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"FacebookPinterest\n\nGood mourning. Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s editor, David Pressler-Goings, is still goings-goings-gone. Hannah gets her best funeral blacks on to attend his wake, though it is fairly obvious she&amp;amp;#x2019;s mourning less his passing and more the death of her e-book. But, on the bright side:\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nIn one of the biggest burial plot twists of the season, who does Hannah bump into at the funeral, but Annalise, David&amp;amp;#x2019;s wife. Wife. Yes, he was married. This raises many questions: Did he meet her on Grindr? Is she into the leather thing? What does Jon Hamm think about all this? (Annalise is played by his long-term girlfriend, actress Jennifer Westfeldt, but please know this is a question I ask about all things on an hourly basis.)\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nAnnalise can&amp;amp;#x2019;t believe she is finally meeting Hannah, someone David talked about on the regular. She cries as she clutches Hannah to her bosom, firing off all the obstacles Hannah has overcome in her life\u2026 like the Tourette&amp;amp;#x2019;s\u2026 and obesity. Maybe it&amp;amp;#x2019;s a bad sign that I batted nary a lash, as these are two things I could easily pencil into Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s backstory. But wait a second, that wasn&amp;amp;#x2019;t Hannah (OCD, slightly overweight)\u2014that was another girl named Paige. Looks like David had a type, both professionally (damaged girls who eat their feelings) and sexually (men).\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nBut what of David&amp;amp;#x2019;s gayness? How could the wife not have known?? Given how unbelievvvv-ably gay he was? Twist #2: She does know. &amp;amp;#x201C;He was\u2026 sometimes.&amp;amp;#x201D; It&amp;amp;#x2019;s just like that Britney Spears song: &amp;amp;#x201C;Sometimes I run, sometimes I&amp;amp;#x2019;m gay.&amp;amp;#x201D; But the real twist flies out of Annalise&amp;amp;#x2019;s mouth like a Chinese star straight into Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s heart: Mill Street, her publisher, is dropping all of his projects.\n\nLet&amp;amp;#x2019;s take a moment to mourn the passing of Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s e-book with a little e-taps. But why waste a perfectly good funeral without a little networking, right?! Hannah, who is now mourning her future, asks David&amp;amp;#x2019;s widow for some other publishing contacts. Magically, Annalise agrees, but only if Hannah GTFOs, or gets the fuck out. It&amp;amp;#x2019;s a funeral win-win!\n\nShoshe is trying to study for the fake college she attends while Jessa still can&amp;amp;#x2019;t believe her friend told her she had died in order to stop hanging out with her. (By the way, if by some chance David Pressler-Goings is still alive and only pretended to die to avoid publishing Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s e-book, I will rescind all previous Girls criticism and proclaim it the greatest show on TV. Maybe even better than AHS: Coven: Implied Sarcasm.)\n\nShoshanna, in a brief moment of wisdom, tells Jessa to shut the fuck up because she has to study for her test and Jessa&amp;amp;#x2019;s petty bullshit will not help her achieve her dream of never, ever turning into her loser friends.\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nSeven minutes into the show, we haven&amp;amp;#x2019;t seen Lena Dunham naked yet. I was actually starting to get worried, but thankfully, we open a scene with three familiar friends, Hannah and her racksters. Adam and his insane sister Caroline are fighting again in the kitchen. Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s had just about enough, and manages to get a Gap Baby tee on just in time to break them up. Hearkening back to her expertise after watching many Interventions, she says they just need to talk about their problems. It is one of few times I actually identity with Hannah, and kinda wish I could have loaned her my cropped XS t-shirt with this on it:\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nThis fight scene boils down to Caroline thinking her brother Adam is &amp;amp;#x201C;internally battling a sexual desire for me.&amp;amp;#x201D; This makes sense because Caroline is actually deeply, deeply deranged. Remember on Planet Earth when they discovered bacteria in caves that can survive with no sunlight? Unrelated:\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nAnd I&amp;amp;#x2019;m not saying Adam wants to fuck her, but I am saying you guys, oh God, no, why do they fight in missionary?\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nShoshe and Jessa take a cazh stroll while Jessa smokes a Dorff e-cigg and Shoshe debuts her new hairstyle:\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nAnd now, FOR NO REASON AT ALL, Marnie got a kitten!!!! It&amp;amp;#x2019;s like, just when you think this show has zero redeeming qualities, it goes ahead and does something like this.\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nHannah has a meeting at a new, fancy book publishing company. And this bitch rolls in like a Chris Rock 60 Minutes/HBO special. She is on a roll. A Totino&amp;amp;#x2019;s PIZZA roll, that is are the kinds of jokes she&amp;amp;#x2019;s making at this meeting, and they are eating that shit up.\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nBut what is this? They don&amp;amp;#x2019;t want to publish Hannah&amp;amp;#x2019;s e-book. They want to publish her book\u2014like a real life, Amazon-Prime-it-because-all-the-bookstores-have-closed book. This calls for two more minutes of unsubstantiated laughter!\n\nMarnie visits Ray. Why? Why not. You can&amp;amp;#x2019;t fuck a kitten, right?\n\nShe wants Ray to tell her what&amp;amp;#x2019;s wrong with her, basically begging him to neg her, the famous pick-up technique featured in The Game. Ray gets his best soul patch on and obliges with this handy list of why Marnie sucks:\n\nShe&amp;amp;#x2019;s judgmental.She&amp;amp;#x2019;s uptight.She uses people.\n\nWell, there&amp;amp;#x2019;s only one logical place this scene could possibly go:\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nHannah eats ice cream and gets a call from her Dad, who may or may not have survived cancer, we&amp;amp;#x2019;ll never know. Turns out her cousin Rudy took a look at her contract with David&amp;amp;#x2019;s publishing house, and they own the rights to her book for three years. A normal person would have probably dropped their cone in shock, but if anything, Hannah grips hers tighter. Cousin Rudy is a Subway-sandwiches lawyer (dream man, call me), and she tells her dad, &amp;amp;#x201C;If a pepperoni sub is ever suing a tuna salad sandwich, let&amp;amp;#x2019;s call Cousin Rudy.&amp;amp;#x201D; Uh, Hannah? Sounds to me like you just outlined your next book, girl! No but for real, I would read that. (With my mouth.)\n\nRay and Marnie engage in awkward post-coital cross-couch chat. She leaves, and he asks her to keep this tryst on the DL. No need to worry for Ray, because who the fuck would want to brag about sleeping with Ray? I wouldn&amp;amp;#x2019;t even tell you know who.\n\nFacebookPinterest\n\nHannah reads the contract and realizes Rudy was right: Never toast your subs\u2014I mean, her book deal is over. It will be another three years before she can brag about the handjob kidney stone story, and take it from me, #blessing.\n\nCaroline tries to identify by recalling a time when she was beaten out for a role in Independence Day by the little girl from Mrs. Doubtfire, aka, Joey Lawrence&amp;amp;#x2019;s sister. (Oh, and I kind of believe this is actually a true story pulled from the files of Gaby Hoffman, because it is perfect.)\n\nThe mere mention of anyone in the Lawrence family sends Hannah into a tailspin, and she tells the sister to get out of the apartment for good. Which leads us to the best quote of the night. From Caroline:\n\n &amp;amp;#x201C;Fuckin selfish little whore. You and my brother deserve one another, you know that? You selfish little pricks! And you will never write a thing that matters because you will never understand the true struggles of humanity because you just slipped right out of your mother&amp;amp;#x2019;s pussy like a nice little golden egg, you spoiled little fuckin] brat.&amp;amp;#x201D;\n\nIt&amp;amp;#x2019;s Girls in a single YouTube comment, and it&amp;amp;#x2019;s perfect.\n\nThoughts on the episode? But, more importantly, Lena&amp;amp;#x2019;s half-shirt? Comments and/or tweet at me, I&amp;amp;#x2019;ve got time."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/girls-recap-season-3-episode-5>