<http://schema.org/articleBody>
" JUST AS COLIN POWELL WARNED WHEN HE HELD UP THAT NAKED-WOMAN-SHAPED LAMP AT THE U.N. U. S. soldiers found what was believed to be Saddam Hussein&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;love shack,&amp;quot; which contained naked-woman-shaped lamps and airbrushed paintings of a topless blond and of a mustached man wrestling a crocodile.  INSTEAD THEY NAMED IT THE &amp;quot;TOWEL-WAVING ASSHOLE BEHIND THE KNICKS&amp;#039; BENCH&amp;quot; NETWORK Filmmaker Spike Lee sued Viacom over its plan to rename one of its networks Spike TV.  HE ALSO GOT 12-INCH RIMS AND CUSTOM CHROME WORK TO IMPRESS THE MEXICANS Last spring, the pope began using a special electric throne at public events that can be raised at the push of a button to enable him to celebrate mass as if he were standing up. FROM A PENIS PERSPECTIVE, IT&amp;#039;S GREAT. FROM A VAGINA PERSPECTIVE, NOT SO GREAT Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said of the sexual-assault charges against Kobe Bryant, &amp;quot;From a business perspective, it&amp;#039;s great for the NBA.&amp;quot;  UM, HELLO? I ASKED FOR SOY? A 23-year-old man in Jackson, Michigan, filed a complaint against a stripper who squirted breast milk in his face during a lap dance. According to police, the dancer had recently given birth and was lactating.  HAVEN&amp;#039;T THE JEWS SUFFERED ENOUGH? Speaking of his plans to marry his 28-year-old fiance&amp;#039;, Erica Levy, in a synagogue, Geraldo Rivera said, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m making a conscious decision to take this whole Judaism thing seriously. I think the Jews need me right now.&amp;quot; C&amp;#039;MON, IT WAS THE &amp;#039;70s. IF WE HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY GUY WHO CLICKED HIS HEELS AND PRETENDED TO BE AN SS OFFICER . . . A book proposal written by George Butler, the director of Pumping Iron, claimed that Arnold Schwarze- negger played &amp;quot;Nazi marching songs from long-playing records at home&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;frequently clicked his heels and pretended to be an SS officer.&amp;quot; WHICH IS ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT WAS SAID WHEN MILTON BERLE DIED After South Carolina senator Strom Thurmond died at the age of 100, fellow senator Ernest Hollings said, &amp;quot;A giant oak in the forest of public service has fallen.&amp;quot;  OH, FINE, BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE OF US WHO WANTED TO VISIT ANALTUBBIES.COM? John Zuccarini, 53, was arrested in Hollywood, Florida, for exploiting children&amp;#039;s misspellings of Web addresses for popular sites, like Disneyland or Teletubbies, to redirect them to porn sites. SO WHERE DID THEY CARRY THEIR GUNS? Two Southwest Airlines pilots were fired for taking off their uniforms in the cockpit and flying a Boeing 737 naked. The pilots explained that one of them had removed his uniform after spilling coffee. THAT&amp;#039;S BARELY ENOUGH TO GET US THROUGH THE FIRST HOUR OF PHONE BOOTH In explaining his history of self-destructive behavior, Colin Farrell told an interviewer, &amp;quot;I ended up on a shrink&amp;#039;s couch, and he told me to write down how much I did in a week--20 E&amp;#039;s, four grams of coke, six of speed, half an ounce of hash, three bottles of Jack Daniel&amp;#039;s, 12 bottles of red wine, 60 pints. And 40 fags a day.&amp;quot;  Also, bleeding from the eyes Rosie O&amp;#039;Donnell produced and was the sole investor in Taboo, a Broadway musical about the life of Boy George. O&amp;#039;Donnell promised the show would &amp;quot;knock &amp;#039;em down, leave &amp;#039;em screaming.&amp;quot; TOO BAD &amp;quot;KNOCK &amp;#039;EM DOWN, LEAVE &amp;#039;EM SCREAMING&amp;quot; WAS TAKEN At the time of the outbreak of the respiratory disease SARS in Hong Kong, the city had just begun running advertisements in British magazines claiming that the city would &amp;quot;take your breath away.&amp;quot;  THE TABOO SOUNDTRACK WAS SAVED FOR ESPECIALLY TOUGH CASES American interrogators reportedly broke the will of Iraqi detainees by making them listen to the theme from Sesame Street, songs sung by Barney the dinosaur, and Metallica&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;Enter Sandman.&amp;quot; TURNS OUT YATES DIDN&amp;#039;T EVEN KNOW THAT THE TIGER WAS ILLEGALLY SUBLETTING TO THE ALLIGATOR A 400-pound Bengal tiger named Ming, along with an unnamed alligator, was found living in the New York apartment of Antoine Yates. Police discovered Ming after Yates checked himself into the hospital with a tiger bite. Said Yates, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not mad at Ming; I still love him. . . . He&amp;#039;s like my brother, my best friend, my only friend, really.&amp;quot; WHAT SPELL WAS ERICA LEVY TRYING TO BREAK?  A nine-year-old village girl in eastern India was married to a stray dog in order to break the evil spell evidenced by her poor dental condition.  THE SOONER THE BETTER Speaking about his newly acquired fifth wife, producer Erica Levy, Geraldo Rivera said, &amp;quot;This is the destiny I&amp;#039;ve declared for myself. I want to die in her arms.&amp;quot;  BUT GET A VIDEO CAMERA AND PARIS HILTON AND IT CAN BE SO RIGHT  &amp;quot;There are a lot of orifices in the human body, and there are a lot of accidents that happen. . . . Sometimes you&amp;#039;d come across a picture that would just stop you, and you&amp;#039;d go, &amp;#039;That&amp;#039;s so wrong.&amp;#039; &amp;quot; --Eric Schotz, producer of Fox&amp;#039;s 101 Things Removed from the Human Body  HOW DO YOU THINK HIS DOG FEELS? In an interview with an AP reporter, Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum compared homosexuality to &amp;quot;man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.&amp;quot; The reporter replied, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m sorry, I didn&amp;#039;t think I was going to talk about &amp;#039;man on dog&amp;#039; with a United States senator. It&amp;#039;s sort of freaking me out.&amp;quot;  READ THE CARD! READ THE CARD! A 40-year-old Chicago man was arrested after swallowing a three-carat diamond ring he&amp;#039;d asked a salesman to show him. The man had planned to give the $37,500 ring to a woman after passing it.  AND NEIL&amp;#039;S THE SMART ONE During a divorce hearing, First Brother Neil Bush admitted he had extramarital sex while he was in Thailand and Hong Kong several years ago. Bush claimed he didn&amp;#039;t know the women were prostitutes. To a lawyer&amp;#039;s claim that it was &amp;quot;a pretty remarkable thing for a man just to go to a hotel-room door and open it and have a woman standing there and have sex with her,&amp;quot; he replied, &amp;quot;It was very unusual.&amp;quot; AND WE THOUGHT MAN ON DOG WAS BAD While discussing the homosexual kiss in the movie The Hours, Barbara Walters asked Julianne Moore if she would kiss her. Moore did, on the mouth, then asked, &amp;quot;See, isn&amp;#039;t that nice? How do I smell?&amp;quot; AT LEAST UNTIL MUSIC TURNS 18 AND GETS ALL OLD AND WRINKLY R. Kelly said: &amp;quot;I love music, and music loves me back. We&amp;#039;re kind of married, and I&amp;#039;m pregnant by music.&amp;quot; SO IT&amp;#039;S TRUE-- WESSON IS GAY  Smith &amp;amp;amp; Wesson announced that it was branching out into clothing, jewelry, and home decor. THE GERMANS HAVE A WORD FOR THAT? The popular Swedish furniture company Ikea apologized for naming its new bed Gutvik. The name--taken from a small town in Sweden--means &amp;quot;good fuck&amp;quot; in German. RELIGION POP QUIZ: Jesus versus Mel Gibson It&amp;#039;s getting harder and harder to tell the difference! See if you can figure out who said what. 1) &amp;quot;Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.&amp;quot;  2) &amp;quot;I want his intestines on a stick.&amp;quot;  3) &amp;quot;Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven.&amp;quot;  4) &amp;quot;I want to kill his dog.&amp;quot;  5) &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;s a pussy and I hopeI never meet him, because I&amp;#039;d tear his fucking face right off!&amp;quot;  6) &amp;quot;Love thy neighbor as thyself.&amp;quot; 7) &amp;quot;If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.&amp;quot; 8) &amp;quot;Do I look like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?&amp;quot;  9) &amp;quot;Anybody comes knocking, I&amp;#039;ve got a hockey stick and a bat and, what&amp;#039;s even better, a Shinto stick, which I can beat the shit out of them with.&amp;quot; 10) &amp;quot;Peter Weir is a great director.&amp;quot; SOURCES: THE NEW TESTAMENT, THE NEW YORKER, PLAYBOY, EL PAIS  ANSWERS: JESUS: 1, 3, 6, 7, 10 It could have been worse. He was this close to putting Saddam in a flight suit and having him pose in front of a mission-accomplished banner According to Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf:  \u00BB &amp;quot;I triple guarantee you, there are no Americans in Baghdad.&amp;quot;  \u00BB &amp;quot;The cruise missiles do not frighten anyone. We are catching them like fish in a river.&amp;quot;  \u00BB &amp;quot;They are not in control of anything--they don&amp;#039;t even control themselves!&amp;quot; \u00BB &amp;quot;They are nowhere near the airport. . . . They are lost in the desert. . . . They cannot read a compass....They are retarded.&amp;quot; \u00BB &amp;quot;They think we are retarded--they are retarded.&amp;quot; \u00BB &amp;quot;They are retreating on all fronts. Their military effort is a subject of laughter throughout the world.&amp;quot; \u00BB &amp;quot;Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness.&amp;quot; THAT&amp;#039;S WEIRD--TATTOOING HALF YOUR FACE USUALLY REALLY CENTERS YOU Mike Tyson was arrested for allegedly assaulting two men who taunted him after he refused to sign an autograph.  THROW IN A CURE FOR CANCER AND WE&amp;#039;LL THINK ABOUT IT Reprising her performance art from 1964, Yoko Ono, now 71, sat on a stage in Paris and invited the audience to cut off her clothing for world peace.  WHO THE FUCK APPLAUDS IN A CATHOLIC CHURCH? A draft directive from the Vatican warned against &amp;quot;liturgical abuse&amp;quot; such as dancing in the aisles, applause in church, and the use of altar girls. &amp;quot;Priests should never feel obliged to seek girls,&amp;quot; read the document. AND THE ALTAR IS WHERE AGAIN? A paper in Britain&amp;#039;s Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine said that Stonehenge represents female genitalia: Its inner circle represents the labia minora, the outer circle is the labia majora, and the altar is the clitoris. THEY SAY THEY&amp;#039;RE SO INTELLIGENT, BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THE ROAM-ING CHARGES THEY GET STUCK WITH Scientists at a dolphin sanctuary in Ireland announced plans to let cell-phone users call and listen, via underwater microphones, to the marine mammals&amp;#039; undersea chatter. WE ALWAYS SUSPECTED HE WAS SINGING IN JAPANESE  Bob Dylan was accused of lifting lyrics for his album Love and Theft from Confessions of a Yakuza, a book about a Japanese gangster. JOIN THE CLUB A woman who knocked down a nine-foot penis made of snow created by members of the Harvard University rowing team explained that &amp;quot;the unwanted image of an erect penis is an implied threat; it means that we, as women, must be subject to erect penises, whether we like it or not.&amp;quot;  WHATEVER. SHE WAS A SURE THING A study found that women shown photos of a man with an obese prom date were likely to describe him as miserable, self-indulgent, passive, shapeless, depressed, weak, insignificant, and insecure. THERE&amp;#039;S AN MTV2? Seeking an exclusive relationship with Private Jessica Lynch, CBS sent her a proposal that included a two-hour documentary, a made-for-TV movie, an episode of MTV&amp;#039;s Total Request Live with a concert in her West Virginia hometown, perhaps by Ashanti or Ja Rule, a music-video show on MTV2 hosted by Lynch and her friends, and a book deal with Simon &amp;amp;amp; Schuster.  IT SOUNDS DUMB, BUT HE WAS BEING ATTACKED BY A PHALANX OF 15TH-CENTURY SAMURAI AT THE TIME Former Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth, 48, was forced to cancel the last seven dates of his U. S. tour after hitting himself in the face with a long staff while executing &amp;quot;a very fast, complicated 15th-century samurai move.&amp;quot; BUT THEY NEVER DRAGGED JESUS&amp;#039;S MONKEY INTO IT Responding to a slew of negative stories in the media, Michael Jackson said, &amp;quot;You know you&amp;#039;re on top when they start throwing arrows at you. Even Jesus was crucified. People who bring light into the world, from Mahatma Gandhi to Martin Luther King to Jesus Christ, even myself.&amp;quot; AN AD WE&amp;#039;D LIKE TO SEE IT&amp;#039;S OKAY--I HAD SUBWAY FOR LUNCH.  FINALLY, FAT AMERICANS CAN GO TO CANCUN! The world&amp;#039;s first resort catering to the obese opened near Cancun, Mexico, with wider doorways, armless dining-room chairs, and XXXXXL golf shirts with the label &amp;quot;We Spoil the Fat and the Obese!&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;ARE YOU GONNA EAT THE REST OF THAT KIDNEY IN THE COOLER?&amp;quot; American Medical Response, an emergency-medical-services company, introduced &amp;quot;supersized&amp;quot; ambulances in Portland, Oregon, aimed at accommodating severely obese patients.  THANK GOD FOR THOSE SUPERSIZED AMBULANCES  Rush Limbaugh entered drug rehab for his addiction to the pain medication OxyContin. AND THEN THE OLD BASTARD ALWAYS GOES BLABBING TO PAGE SIX Supermodel Naomi Campbell said she has developed a personal friendship with Nelson Mandela: &amp;quot;He always wants to know how I&amp;#039;m doing. My personal life, my love life, my problems. I just tell him.&amp;quot;  SAME REASON HE WAS ASKED TO LEAVE HIS NIECE&amp;#039;S BAT MITZVAH, IF BY &amp;quot;REVEALING TACTICAL INFORMATION&amp;quot; YOU MEAN GETTING SLOSHED AND ASKING HER FRIENDS IF THEY WANT TO SEE &amp;quot;MR. PEABODY AWARD&amp;quot; Fox News reporter Geraldo Rivera was asked to leave his embedded position with the Army&amp;#039;s 101st Airborne Division because &amp;quot;he was revealing tactical information and compromising operational security.&amp;quot;  FOR TEN GRAND, YOU BETTER GET TO MOUNT THEM AND STUFF THEM, TOO A Las Vegas promoter claimed to charge men up to $10,000 to &amp;quot;hunt&amp;quot; showgirls with paint-ball guns as they run through the desert sagebrush naked.  IN HOLLYWOOD, THEY CALL IT &amp;quot;BOTOX&amp;quot; The Palo Alto, California, City Council proposed an official code of conduct that urged elected officials to control their facial gestures. WAIT TILL THEY MEET HER BOYFRIEND, EATMYMEAT.COM A 23-year-old PETA activist from Virginia legally changed her name to GoVeg.com, which is now on her driver&amp;#039;s license. GoVeg.com mother said, &amp;quot;To us, she will always be Karin. But I think she has a good reason for doing what she&amp;#039;s doing.&amp;quot;  STYLE Queer Eye for the Terrorist Guy We asked for tips from the stars of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Bravo).  Kyan Douglas, grooming: Actually, today&amp;#039;s alleged terrorist mastermind is going sans mustache--I mean, last I checked, this was 2004. And don&amp;#039;t even talk to me about the manscaping situation, here. Bleccchh.  Ted Allen, food and wine: What I want to know is, how the hell does an evildoer become so morbidly obese in a culture that forbids drinking? Yo, fat man: Easy on the chickpeas!  Carson Kressley, fashion: The white T-shirt is a classic, all-American look, sure, but we&amp;#039;re not exactly talking apple pie and Chevrolet with this loser. Plus, the scoop neck is way too Olivia Newton-John for his bone structure.  Thom Filicia, interior design: For the love of God, people--enough with the faux finishing! That hovel-in-rural-Pakistan look is over!  Jai Rodriguez, culture: Dad?  ODDLY MISSING WAS A NOTICE FOR PAULA ZAHN&amp;#039;S CAREER A mistake on CNN&amp;#039;s Web site made public a Web page containing obituary mock-ups for a number of living celebrities and leaders, including death notices for Ronald Reagan, Fidel Castro, Pope John Paul II, Nelson Mandela, Gerald Ford, and Dick Cheney. HIS SECOND SEARCH WAS &amp;quot;UP-BURQA&amp;quot; Ahmed Abdullah, 19, surrounded by American soldiers in the first postwar Internet cafe&amp;#039; in Tikrit, Iraq, typed his first unrestricted Google entry: &amp;quot;George Bush.&amp;quot; ON THE OTHER HAND, HE ALWAYS FINISHES MARMADUKE When Fox News&amp;#039;s Brit Hume asked President Bush, &amp;quot;How do you get your news?&amp;quot; the president answered, &amp;quot;I glance at the headlines just to kind of, a flavor for what&amp;#039;s moving. I rarely read the stories, and get briefed by people who are, probably read the news themselves.&amp;quot;  AND REMEMBER, THAT WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ICE AGE Researchers from Humboldt University in Berlin discovered fossils of the world&amp;#039;s oldest genitals embedded in ancient rocks in Scotland. The penis, belonging to a four-hundred-million-year-old daddy longlegs, was two thirds the length of the insect&amp;#039;s body. TOO BAD THERE&amp;#039;S NOT A NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF DOUCHE BAGS After his new movie, The Brown Bunny, became one of the lowest-rated films in the history of the British trade paper Screen International, Vincent Gallo said, &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m sorry I&amp;#039;m not gay or Jewish, so I don&amp;#039;t have a special-interest group of journalists that support me.&amp;quot; HE&amp;#039;S A PERFECT SPOKESMAN FOR REEBOK, SINCE THEIR SHOES ARE MADE BY THREE-AND-A-HALF-YEAR-OLDS Reebok signed Mark Walker, a three-and-a- half-year-old from Lee&amp;#039;s Summit, Missouri, to star in a series of ads showing off the child&amp;#039;s basketball prowess.  YOU MUST BE THIS MALNOURISHED TO RIDE THIS RIDE In Americus, Georgia, Habitat for Humanity unveiled a six-acre simulation of a shantytown. Modeled after shantytowns in Asia, Africa, and Central America, the center allows visitors to see what it&amp;#039;s like to live in abject poverty in the Third World.  THEY WERE GOING TO ASK IF HIS FRIDGE WAS RUNNING, BUT CUBA HAS NO ELECTRICITY  Hosts of a radio show in Miami tricked Fidel Castro into answering the phone after using a tape of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez talking. When Castro got on the line, one of the hosts asked him, &amp;quot;So you agree with the shit you&amp;#039;ve done to the island, assassin?&amp;quot; Castro reportedly responded, &amp;quot;Shove it in your mother&amp;#039;s ass.&amp;quot;  HEADLINE OF THE YEAR &amp;quot;Minister: Minnie Driver May Harm Cambodia&amp;quot; --AP, November 6, 2003 I ALSO HAPPEN TO HAVE SEX WITH MY BIG TOE MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews said of his tendency to interrupt during interviews: &amp;quot;I listen with my tongue, but I listen.&amp;quot;  OF COURSE THEY&amp;#039;RE DRUNK--THEY&amp;#039;RE SHOPPING IN AN ENGLISH SUPERMARKET Tesco, an English supermarket chain, announced plans to develop a credit card that can gauge if the user is too drunk to make purchases.  We think Justin counts After Britney Spears and Madonna engaged in an open-mouthed kiss at the MTV Video Music Awards, Spears said, &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t know it was going to be that long and everything....I&amp;#039;ve never kissed a woman before.&amp;quot;  DAVID E. KELLEY, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER A judge in Bordeaux, France, was placed under investigation after allegedly masturbating during a lawyer&amp;#039;s closing arguments.  THEY&amp;#039;RE GETTING SUED BY A MUCH HIGHER CALIBER OF FAT KID NOW Arby&amp;#039;s announced that it was introducing new menu items aimed at more-refined palates, including portofino-turkey-with-smoked-mozzarella sandwiches and chicken salad with pecans, apples, and grapes served on baguettes. THE ODD PART IS THE STRIKING RESEMBLANCE IT BEARS TO VINCENT GALLO  Oxford University paid almost $400,000 for a Renaissance decorative ceramic depicting a man&amp;#039;s head made up of 50 penises. The 16th-century plate bears the inscription &amp;quot;Every man looks at me as if I were a dickhead.&amp;quot; IF YOU&amp;#039;VE EVER SEEN BOYKIN IN THE LATRINE, YOU KNOW HE&amp;#039;S GOT A SMALL &amp;quot;GOD&amp;quot;  The deputy undersecretary of defense for intelligence, Army Lieutenant General William Boykin, said of a Muslim militia leader in Somalia: &amp;quot;I knew that my God was bigger than his.&amp;quot; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE DON&amp;#039;T READ . . . The Ten Most Reprehensible Michael Jackson Jokes 1) What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? Got two fives for a ten?  2) Why did Michael Jackson rush to Kmart? He heard boys&amp;#039; pants were half off. 3) Knock knock. Who&amp;#039;s there? Little boy blue. Little boy blue who? Michael Jackson. 4) How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog. 5) Why was Michael Jackson kicked out of the Boy Scouts? He was up to two packs a day. 6) Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz II Men?  He thought it was a delivery service. 7) What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?  I believe you&amp;#039;re in my son.  8) Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 Cub Scouts when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced, &amp;quot;We&amp;#039;re sinking! Everyone abandon ship!&amp;quot; Michael Jackson asked, &amp;quot;What about the children?&amp;quot; The captain replied, &amp;quot;Screw the children!&amp;quot; Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said, &amp;quot;Do we have time?&amp;quot;  9) When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson&amp;#039;s house?  When the big hand is on the little hand. 10) What is Michael Jackson&amp;#039;s favorite college?  Brigham Young. HE ALSO HAS A CAT NAMED FRENCHY THAT CAN ROLL OVER AND SURRENDER ON CUE A German man was arrested for violating German anti-Nazi laws after teaching his dog, named Adolf, to raise his right paw in a Hitler salute.  MAYBE IT&amp;#039;S TIME TO ADMIT THAT GERMANS AND TIGERS JUST DON&amp;#039;T GO SO WELL TOGETHER A 49-year-old female lion tamer ran away from a traveling circus in Germany with eight lions, two tigers, and the circus director&amp;#039;s son, aged 20.  NOT BAD, BUT WE PREFER THE ONES ABOUT RAPING YOUR OWN MOTHER  A Michigan judge dismissed a slander case against Eminem with a rappin&amp;#039; decision: &amp;quot;The lyrics are stories no one would take as fact / They&amp;#039;re an exaggeration of a childish act / Any reasonable person could clearly see / That the lyrics could only be hyperbole.&amp;quot; TELL THAT TO VINCENT GALLO Senator Zell Miller of Georgia denounced CBS on the Senate floor for planning a reality show based on The Beverly Hillbillies, declaring, &amp;quot;They know that the only minority left in this country that you can make fun of and demean and humiliate . . . are hillbillies in particular and rural people in general.&amp;quot; US, TOO, BUT WE&amp;#039;D BANG HER FIRST. OH, LIKE YOU WEREN&amp;#039;T THINKING IT  Kendel Ehrlich, wife of Maryland governor Robert Ehrlich, said at a conference on domestic violence in that state, &amp;quot;Really, if I had an opportunity to shoot Britney Spears, I think I would.&amp;quot; And he had nearly finished writing his fifth book, Which treacherous infidel moved my cheese? Saddam Hussein&amp;#039;s fourth novel, Get Out of Here, You Demons!, was ready for publication when the U.S. invaded.  HERE&amp;#039;S A THOUGHT: A SPECIAL DRINK TO REDUCE &amp;quot;HUNGER&amp;quot; North Korea announced that it had invented a special drink to reduce &amp;quot;eye and mental strain&amp;quot; from computer use. &amp;quot;That reminds me, I forgot to call Mother for her birthday&amp;quot; Visiting a nature reserve during his tour of Africa, President Bush and his entourage witnessed mating elephants. The president whispered to his wife, who slapped his leg in response.  ALSO, BOOBIES The CIA asked Alias star Jennifer Garner to appear in its recruiting video. &amp;quot;Her participation would add a human touch,&amp;quot; said the CIA&amp;#039;s film-industry liaison. AND THEN, ALLAH BE PRAISED, THEY STONED RYAN SEACREST A Mideast version of American Idol provoked riots after TV viewers voted off Lebanese singer Melhem Zein. Protesters chanted: &amp;quot;With our blood and souls, we sacrifice for you, Melhem.&amp;quot;  UM, NO &amp;quot;I ask that Cub fans everywhere redirect the negative energy that has been vented towards my family, my friends, and myself into the usual positive support for our beloved team.&amp;quot; --Steve Bartman, spectator who deflected a playable foul ball away from outfielder Moises Alou as the Cubs neared winning their first pennant in 58 years. WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER PIECE OF CAKE, MR. CROWE? A six-foot-two-inch, 260-pound guest at a Michigan wedding reception smeared cake in the face of a nine-year-old, bit off a man&amp;#039;s index finger, and knocked a 49-year-old woman unconscious. OKAY, SO MAYBE RICK MOODY ISN&amp;#039;T THE WORST WRITER OF HIS GENERATION In an experiment funded by England&amp;#039;s Arts Council, six monkeys given a word-processing computer for a month didn&amp;#039;t produce any Shakespeare. They attacked the PC with a rock and defecated on its keyboard. SURE, BUT WHERE DO YOU PUT THE RAMPS AND HANDRAILS? More than 100 people came to a San Francisco Masturbate-a-Thon to raise funds for AIDS prevention. A supportive Berkeley professor said organizers hoped to make masturbation &amp;quot;more accessible.&amp;quot; AND ELVISH SPEAKERS WITH MENTAL PROBLEMS ARE CHOPPED LIVER? The county mental-health office for Portland, Oregon, listed Klingon as a language for which it sought interpreters. YOU THTILL THUCK The coach of the Edmonton Oilers ripped out the footlong tongue of the Calgary Flames&amp;#039; mascot, Harvey the Hound. The six-foot-six-inch hound had mocked the team and leaned over the team&amp;#039;s bench. &amp;quot;YOU DON&amp;#039;T KNOW ANYTHING, YOU INFIDEL NEWSMAN. YOU DON&amp;#039;T KNOW THAT I&amp;#039;M YOUR TWIN BROTHER, AND I&amp;#039;M SLEEPING WITH YOUR SISTER!&amp;quot; CBS used an actor to fake an Arabic accent while conveying Saddam Hussein&amp;#039;s words in a Dan Rather interview. The actor had played foreign characters on soap operas. WHERE DID THEY FIND POSTERS OF BILLY IDOL? Trying to draw out Saddam Hussein loyalists by angering them, U. S. forces plastered Tikrit with posters of the deposed dictator&amp;#039;s face superimposed on Zsa Zsa Gabor, Rita Hayworth, and Billy Idol. Those damn monkeys have been back at the keyboard, sir After First Lady Laura Bush returned from a trip to Europe in which she got two kisses on the hand from French president Jacques Chirac, President Bush wrote her a love poem. The poem read: &amp;quot;Roses are red, / Violets are blue. / Oh my lump in the bed, / How I&amp;#039;ve missed you. / Roses are redder, / Bluer am I, / Seeing you kissed by / That charming French guy.-/-The dogs and the cat, / They missed you too. / Barney&amp;#039;s still mad you dropped him, / He ate your shoe.  The distance, my dear, / Has been such a barrier. / Next time you want an adventure, / Just land on a carrier.&amp;quot;  IF RACHEL AND ROSS CAN MAKE PEACE, WHY CAN&amp;#039;T WE ALL? &amp;quot;Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt, and Danny DeVito are among celebrities hoping their star power can help achieve peace in the Middle East. The Hollywood bigwigs . . . plan to appeal to Israeli and Palestinian &amp;#039;ordinary folk&amp;#039; to bring peace to a region that has recently seen every potential agreement shredded by bomb blasts.&amp;quot; --Fox News, October 29, 2003 By Shalom Auslander s From: JenniferAniston To: ArielSharon cc: YasirArafat Subject: Peace Ariel--  Me and Brad were talking the other night, and I&amp;#039;m pretty sure we can solve this thing for you. War is bad, and it makes us sad. Hey, that rhymes! Brad&amp;#039;s shooting next month, how&amp;#039;s Feb.?  Jen From: ArielSharon To: JenniferAniston cc: YasirArafat Subject: Re: Peace From: JenniferAniston  To: ArielSharon  cc: YasirArafat Subject: Re: Re: Peace Ariel-- Do you remember the episode where Ross gives me his monkey Marcel to watch and I lose Marcel and Ross gets real angry and we have a big fight but then I manage to get Marcel back and everything works out in the end? That&amp;#039;s really what the whole Middle East thing is like, only the monkey is Jerusalem and you&amp;#039;re Rachel and Arafat is Ross. Also, is everything there, like, kosher and stuff? &amp;#039;Cause I&amp;#039;m on Atkins right now. Jen  From: ArielSharon To: JenniferAniston cc: YasirArafat Subject: Re: Re: Re: Peace Dear Jennifer, If I remember correctly, in that episode, your ex-boyfriend Barry barges in and says he&amp;#039;s still in love with you. Then you sleep with Barry, and Ross&amp;#039;s ex-wife has a baby. So you see, Barry is Hamas, Ross&amp;#039;s ex-wife is the Saudis, and the baby is the West Bank. This is the problem. From: YasirArafat To: JenniferAniston cc: ArielSharon Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Peace Jennifer-- Of course Sharon will say the baby is the West Bank! Next thing you know he will claim that Osama is Joey and Saddam is Chandler, when the real problem is that Israel is Marcel, the Palestinians are Ross, who has lost his precious monkey, and the United States is Luisa, the Animal Control catcher who tries to keep the monkey for herself. Until Ross finds Marcel, there can never be peace. From: ArielSharon To: JenniferAniston cc: YasirArafat Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Peace Lies! All we (Rachel) want is a homeland (Ross), but the Arabs (Julie, Ross&amp;#039;s new girlfriend that he met during his week in China) keep interfering. Julie and Monica (the United States) go to the mall together (Oslo), but we all know Julie will not be happy until Rachel is pushed into the sea (cancellation). From: JenniferAniston To: ArielSharon cc: YasirArafat Subject: Peace Guys-- Can Danny DeVito come, too? His experience on Taxi will be invaluable. Jen P. S. Is there a Four Seasons in Gaza? JUST ASKING After a member of the basketball team at Baylor University in Texas was accused of killing teammate Patrick Dennehy, coach Dave Bliss was recorded talking to a couple of his players. He reportedly told them, &amp;quot;I think the thing we want to do--and you think about this--if there&amp;#039;s a way we can create this perception that Pat may have been a dealer.&amp;quot;  THERE ARE EASIER WAYS TO AVOID THE IN-FLIGHT MEG RYAN MOVIE A 25-year-old shipping clerk at a New York warehouse was arrested after he climbed into a crate and shipped himself from New York to Dallas to visit his parents.  THERE HE IS, MONTECORE-- GO GET HIM, BOY!  Magician David Blaine staged a stunt in which he survived on only water for 44 days while sus- pended from a Plexiglas cage over London&amp;#039;s Tower Bridge.  LOOKING FORWARD TO THE BOOK, PETE Pete Townshend, guitarist for the Who, was investigated for accessing child-pornography sites on the Internet from his home computer. Townshend said, &amp;quot;To fight against pedophilia, you have to know what&amp;#039;s out there.&amp;quot; He said he was doing research for a book. SO HE&amp;#039;S GOT THAT GOING FOR HIM A 24-year-old sports editor for the Roswell, New Mexico, Daily Record was fired for inserting quotes from a character in the movie Caddyshack into an article about a golf tournament. The article quoted a golf-course employee named &amp;quot;Carl Spangler&amp;quot; saying, &amp;quot;This is a hybrid . . . of bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sensemilia.&amp;quot;  HOWEVER, IT CANNOT RETRIEVE THAT SATELLITE ON ITS OWN AND TURNS TO YOU FOR DISCREET ASSISTANCE. IF YOU CAN HELP IN THIS REGARD, YOU WILL RECEIVE 35 PERCENT OF THE PROFITS . . .  Nigeria blasted its first satellite into orbit aboard a Russian rocket. ALSO A GOOD IDEA: KINDERGARTEN JUJITSU LESSONS George Bush Abdul Kader Faris Abed El-Hussein was born in Baghdad in July. His parents named him as thanks for liberation. If they&amp;#039;d had twins, they planned to name one Tony Blair. PERHAPS YOU&amp;#039;VE HEARD A JOKE ABOUT IT The $54 million movie Gigli, starring Jennifer Lopez as a lesbian who teams with a mob thug, played by Ben Affleck, to kidnap a retarded guy, took in $6 million at the box office. Reached for comment, osama bin laden said, &amp;quot;listen, i&amp;#039;ve done bad stuff, but i would never urinate on a 14-year-old girl, okay?&amp;quot; R&amp;amp;amp;B singer R. Kelly complained that he has been treated unfairly by the press since his indictment on child-pornography charges in 2002, saying, &amp;quot;All of a sudden, you&amp;#039;re, like, the bin Laden of America. Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I&amp;#039;m going through.&amp;quot;  IN THIS VERSION, SHE THROWS A RICE COOKER The Chinese publishers of Senator Hillary Clinton&amp;#039;s memoir, Living History, conceded that they altered at least ten passages in the book, explaining, &amp;quot;We have made technical changes . . . to win more Chinese readers.&amp;quot;  AFTER ALL THAT WORK EDITING HILLARY&amp;#039;S BOOK, THEY CAN&amp;#039;T EVEN ADVERTISE IT? China banned commercials for hemorrhoid and athlete&amp;#039;s-foot ointments, feminine-hygiene products, and anything else &amp;quot;likely to disgust audiences&amp;quot; during meal times. THE HARD PART WAS PROJECTING SINATRA&amp;#039;S HAND ON THE ROCKETTE&amp;#039;S ASS New York&amp;#039;s Radio City Music Hall presented a series of concerts called &amp;quot;Sinatra: His Voice. His World. His Way,&amp;quot; in which three-dimensional images of the singer were projected on giant screens to make it appear as if he were singing, backed by a 40-piece orchestra, a choir, and the Rockettes. WHY IS THIS MAN LAUGHING?  Experts gave up trying to recover sounds from the 18-and-a-half-minute gap on the Nixon White House tapes.  IS THAT YOU, BEN? Madame Tussaud&amp;#039;s Wax Museum in New York hosted a &amp;quot;Booty Call&amp;quot; competition in which people compared their butts with that of the Jennifer Lopez statue.  CONTRIBUTORS: Daniel Radosh, Matt Haber, David Jacobson, Doug Lansky, Stephen Sherrill. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a1744/esq0204-feb-dubious/>