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" The Sweet Sixteen is half over, and some believe the NCAA is not accurately representing its athletes. Winners are being determined by &amp;quot;points scored&amp;quot; without any consideration for the crystal methamphetamine usage among local residents. Instead of deciding this year&amp;#039;s champion with abstract concepts like &amp;quot;talent,&amp;quot; &amp;quot;basketball IQ,&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;sheer athleticism,&amp;quot; 2014&amp;#039;s winners will herein be crowned on meth meritocracy alone. By comparing the total number of meth laboratories busted in each school&amp;#039;s county, I was able to determine the real winners of this year&amp;#039;s Sweet Sixteen with meth basketball. In the event of a tie, overtime was determined by adding the number of crank cooks in surrounding counties. This bracket is possible because of a 9-year study on meth busts across America by the Drug Enforcement Agency, clearly huge basketball fans. Competition was stiff, but the Louisville Cardinals are the greatest feeners to handle the rock[s]. Jefferson County, where this school of higher learning stands, was home to an impressive 180 labs in 2012 alone. The entire state showed 919 of the death factories. An abundance of abandoned microwaves, groupthink, and total disregard for dental hygiene has made bag chasing a serious sport in Jefferson County, Kentucky. Still, they had to fight their way to the national championship like a tweaker on Meth Friday, which is not a real thing as far as we know. Here are the Moments That Shined \u2014 right through the part of the glass pipe that they roast those crystals.  Louisville v. Tennessee Louisville almost loses it in the Elite Eight to Tennessee, who shows why they are the second largest meth maker in the country. Turns out you can cook a lot of meth with 1,585 labs dotted across your state map. The Volunteers grit their remaining teeth and give it 110%. In the end, however, Louisville runs circles around those circles that the Vols are also running around in. Baylor v. Wisconsin With only 2 labs per county, the Baylor-Wisconsin game is the most lackluster tie in the history of meth basketball. Players on both sides show disturbingly normal heart rates, youthful skin, and teeth so healthy they border on uncompetitive.  Stanford v. Dayton With their first Sweet Sixteen appearance since 1984, Dayton puts up a truly dominant fight in the first half. Their starting five, who haven&amp;#039;t slept since January, are emaciated in prolific tweaker fashion. But Stanford shocks the world by showing that a 6.6% acceptance rate exists in a county with 25 meth labs. UCLA v. Louisville As the second methiest place in California, UCLA represents. But we are about to tell you what you already know: nobody sucks a glass dick like Louisville. Somewhere, Gus Fring and his off-the-books employees at Los Pollos Hermanos are beaming with pride.  Illustrations by Ryan Ilano/Esquire "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a28054/meth-madness/>