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"The sight of an engagement ring can make even the most well-meaning friends and family members start asking touchy questions or offering unsolicited advice. &amp;quot;Most people weigh in because they&amp;#039;re excited,&amp;quot; says Meg Keene, author of A Practical Wedding. &amp;quot;But people can end up unloading a lot of their own baggage on brides.&amp;quot; Avoid accidentally offending an engaged woman by reading these ten common things she&amp;#039;d rather not hear\u2014and what wedding experts suggest saying instead. 1. &amp;quot;Congratulations on your engagement! Did you set a date yet?&amp;quot; Friends and family barraged Amy of Long Beach, CA, with wedding questions days after her boyfriend proposed. &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t even have a venue, but people were asking, &amp;#039;Do you have a DJ yet?&amp;#039; and &amp;#039;Do you have a veil yet?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;I wanted to say, &amp;#039;Please, back off!&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Even though you may be genuinely eager to hear about wedding plans, someone who just got engaged likely doesn&amp;#039;t have any yet\u2014and all those questions can be overwhelming. &amp;quot;Instead, ask about the engagement story,&amp;quot; says etiquette expert Anna Post, co-author of Emily Post&amp;#039;s Etiquette, 18th Edition. Can&amp;#039;t help asking about the wedding? Test the waters with an open-ended question. &amp;quot;Try: &amp;#039;Have you had any thoughts about planning yet?&amp;#039; If she looks at you in horror, change the subject,&amp;quot; suggests Post. 2. &amp;quot;I can&amp;#039;t wait for the wedding!&amp;quot; This comment is appropriate if you&amp;#039;ve received a wedding invite or save-the-date\u2014but awkward if you&amp;#039;re not on the guest list. &amp;quot;My mother&amp;#039;s school&amp;#039;s secretary, old neighbor and distant cousins have all said this,&amp;quot; says Amy, who isn&amp;#039;t inviting those people. &amp;quot;If a bride isn&amp;#039;t able to have the big guest list she wants due to her budget, she&amp;#039;ll feel uncomfortable having to break the news to you,&amp;quot; says Sharon Naylor, wedding expert and author of Bridesmaid on a Budget. A better approach: Offer your congratulations, but don&amp;#039;t assume you&amp;#039;re attending. 3. &amp;quot;If your marriage is anything like mine\u2026&amp;quot; Recent bride Ashley, of Houston, TX, was speechless when her mother&amp;#039;s friend told her, &amp;quot;The things you find hilarious about your fianc\u00E9 now will annoy you when you&amp;#039;re married.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Giving marriage advice is fine when it&amp;#039;s actual, constructive advice,&amp;quot; says Keene. But statements like what Ashley heard come across as complaints about the &amp;quot;advisor&amp;#039;s&amp;quot; spouse\u2014or the institution of marriage. &amp;quot;Saying something like, &amp;#039;Marriage is hard sometimes, and the honeymoon period won&amp;#039;t last forever&amp;#039; is helpful. Assuming all marriages will be exactly like yours isn&amp;#039;t.&amp;quot; 4. &amp;quot;Are you sure you&amp;#039;re ready to get married?&amp;quot; If you think a couple hasn&amp;#039;t known each other long enough or is too young to marry, you may think saying this is helping them avoid a big mistake. But unless you&amp;#039;re a close family member or friend with serious, substantiated concerns, it just sounds judgmental. &amp;quot;A lot of our friends married young, and people would say, &amp;#039;Do you really want to do this now?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says Keene. Remember that outsiders (that&amp;#039;s you!) don&amp;#039;t know better than the bride when it comes to her own relationship. &amp;quot;There are plenty of well-matched, happily married couples out there who dated for just a few months,&amp;quot; says Naylor. So stick to more welcome topics, like asking about where they&amp;#039;re going on the honeymoon. 5. You should have a church wedding.&amp;quot; While planning her wedding, Jean of New York City couldn&amp;#039;t believe how many people pointed out anything that didn&amp;#039;t fit their definition of a wedding. &amp;quot;One relative commented, &amp;#039;You&amp;#039;re not walking down the aisle to &amp;#039;Here Comes the Bride&amp;#039;? That&amp;#039;s not traditional.&amp;#039; I was like, &amp;#039;Who cares?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she says. What was the norm when and where you got married may not be for others. For instance, 70% of couples married in a church in 1980; in 2009, only 35% did. &amp;quot;Remove the phrases &amp;#039;You should\u2026&amp;#039; or &amp;#039;Why are you not\u2026&amp;#039; from the conversation,&amp;quot; says Keene. Statements like these sound like you think the bride has made the wrong choice, which puts her on the defensive. Instead, say, &amp;quot;An outdoor ceremony? That&amp;#039;s so you!&amp;quot; 6. &amp;quot;What time does the wedding start?&amp;quot; Even after sending invitations with the link to her wedding website, bride-to-be Kathleen of Sacramento, CA, found herself fielding questions about information included on her site. &amp;quot;When a friend asked me, &amp;#039;What hotels are nearby?&amp;#039; and &amp;#039;What&amp;#039;s the venue&amp;#039;s address?&amp;#039; over Facebook, I thought, &amp;#039;If you&amp;#039;re already online, can&amp;#039;t you go to our website?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she says. A bride has plenty of things on her mind, so try to answer your questions yourself before bothering her. If you truly can&amp;#039;t, then e-mail or text the bride\u2014as long as it&amp;#039;s not the week of the wedding, says planner Sarah Pease of Brilliant Event Planning. &amp;quot;If possible, pose it as a yes or no question so she can respond quickly,&amp;quot; says Pease. &amp;quot;And if she doesn&amp;#039;t reply in a reasonable amount of time, reach out to her bridal party or family for help.&amp;quot; The don&amp;#039;t-bother-the-bride rule also applies during the wedding. &amp;quot;If something happens that you can&amp;#039;t fix yourself, mention it to the maid of honor or the wedding planner, not the bride,&amp;quot; advises Pease. &amp;quot;They can strategize a solution that won&amp;#039;t create more stress.&amp;quot; 7. &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s your budget?&amp;quot; While talking about wedding plans, Jean was taken aback when a friend asked, &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t you think it&amp;#039;d be better to save your money for a house?&amp;quot; While you may intend to help the bride, comments and questions about finances can be insulting and nosy, according to Post. (You wouldn&amp;#039;t ask a friend what her salary is, would you?) &amp;quot;I understand how a conversation with friends can get you to that spot,&amp;quot; says Post. &amp;quot;But your opinion on how much they&amp;#039;re spending doesn&amp;#039;t do the bride much good, and it comes across as spiteful.&amp;quot; So unless you&amp;#039;re contributing to the wedding, keep your mouth shut on the subject of the budget. 8. &amp;quot;Can I bring my kids?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;We made it clear that the reception will be adults-only, since there will be music with explicit lyrics,&amp;quot; says Kathleen\u2014but that hasn&amp;#039;t stopped guests from asking to make an exception for their kids. &amp;quot;The decision not to include children isn&amp;#039;t usually one made lightly,&amp;quot; says Post. &amp;quot;So asking to bring your kids is inconsiderate\u2014and unfair to guests arranging childcare. If it really upsets you, decline the invitation.&amp;quot; The same goes for dates. Unsure if you get a plus-one or if your children can come? &amp;quot;The names of invited guests appear on the envelope,&amp;quot; says Post. &amp;quot;If it says, &amp;#039;Mr. and Mrs. Weinberger,&amp;#039; then that&amp;#039;s it. If it says, &amp;#039;The Weinberger Family,&amp;#039; then everybody under the roof is invited.&amp;quot; 9. &amp;quot;Why aren&amp;#039;t you inviting your dad?&amp;quot; Kathleen&amp;#039;s fraught relationship with her father led her to exclude him from the wedding\u2014a choice that left some guests wondering why. &amp;quot;When someone asks about it, I want to snap, &amp;#039;Cause I&amp;#039;m not. Deal with it!&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says Kathleen. If you find out a bride isn&amp;#039;t inviting a close relative, pause before asking why. &amp;quot;No matter how curious you might be, it&amp;#039;s hurtful to make the bride explain herself,&amp;quot; says Post. &amp;quot;If you don&amp;#039;t already know the answer, it&amp;#039;s probably because she doesn&amp;#039;t want to talk about it with you.&amp;quot; Instead of prying, ask what you can do to help with the wedding, or take her out for a drink, in case she&amp;#039;s feeling overwhelmed by family drama. 10. &amp;quot;Are you thinking about kids yet?&amp;quot; Since her wedding last summer, people keep asking Sonia of Boston, MA, when she&amp;#039;s having a baby. &amp;quot;I don&amp;#039;t think it&amp;#039;s so outrageous that we want to enjoy our success for a little while first,&amp;quot; she says. Jean agrees: &amp;quot;Right after we got married, people started telling us we should have kids soon\u2014someone even mentioned it in a toast during the reception!&amp;quot; Not only is it invasive to ask about a couple&amp;#039;s sex life, you could also be bringing up an emotional subject if they&amp;#039;re having fertility issues. &amp;quot;No one asks this question to be mean, but don&amp;#039;t concern yourself with the bride&amp;#039;s baby plans,&amp;quot; says Naylor. When you see her after the wedding, focus on the honeymoon and how she&amp;#039;s enjoying married life, suggests Keene. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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