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"  My husband and I have joint custody of my 13-year-old stepson and have shared his time with his mother for the last six years. We have made friendly efforts to work with her in planning activities, schedules, etc., but she always gives us a cold response. Lately she&amp;#039;s been more inconsiderate than usual. Twice in the last couple of months, she traveled out of town with her son and didn&amp;#039;t return him on the agreed-upon day. She has also asked me to drive my stepson to appointments and such, yet she&amp;#039;ll cancel an appointment and not inform me of the change. How do I handle this situation before it gets further out of control, yet not make our relationship even more hostile? E.F., 34, Rochester, MN There is no easy solution to this problem; you&amp;#039;re dealing with someone who doesn&amp;#039;t care to be cooperative, so she won&amp;#039;t be. You didn&amp;#039;t say under what terms her marriage to your husband ended, and she may be engaged in some plain old passive-aggressive tweaking of you two. Sure, it would be better for everyone concerned if you could have friendly interactions, but sometimes that&amp;#039;s not possible. Let that dream go for now and concentrate on seeing how you can solve the specific problems at hand.   Have you ever actually asked your stepson&amp;#039;s mother about these matters, or are you simply stewing? (I can be a world-class stewer myself, so I know how it is!) Did you ask her to explain why she returned your stepson a day late, or mention that in the future you would appreciate it if she let you know about a canceled appointment? Start by telling her what your expectations are, and see if they are met, or even half-met. And let her know that if she is not going to stick with your agreement, you&amp;#039;ll become more forceful in managing its terms.   You also need to bear in mind that sometimes people just mess up. It can be an extraordinarily sensitive issue, this business of shared custody, and it is possible that she simply forgot to let you know about the changed appointment. My best advice here is to give this woman the benefit of the doubt when you can (at least in your own mind), tell her what your needs are, and if push comes to shove, don&amp;#039;t be afraid to get tough.   Karen Karbo is the author of How to Hepburn: Lessons on Living From Kate the Great. Shes also a mom, a writing teacher, and a horse owner. Send your questions to her at: The Hard Stuff, REDBOOK, 300 W. 57th St., New York, NY 10019, or karenkarbo@redbookmag.com. Letters may be edited for clarity and length, and must include your initials, age, city, and state. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a1902/hard-stuff-ex-wife/>