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"  All right, you guys, I&amp;#039;m going to be real with you: I have no idea what happened at the end of this episode. I watched that fight five times \u2014 I even turned on the captions! \u2014 and I still have no idea what anyone was saying. It just sounded like what happens when you&amp;#039;re on the beach and want to give birds bread and they all come swooping in and making noises. That&amp;#039;s the best way to describe it: everyone was making noises. Some people were making calming noises, some people were making angry noises, and some people \u2014 those people are named Heather and Amanda \u2014 were threatening to deck each other, because it&amp;#039;s still 1993 and deck is a word all the cool kids use. I bet Ramona is kicking herself for missing this episode because she was too busy wearing a caftan and hugging elephants in Africa. Don&amp;#039;t worry, though. Ramona may have been gone but Luann has returned from taking improv classes (no really, that a thing she said she was doing in an interview) to join the ladies for a nice quiet dinner. Lol. Okay, so here&amp;#039;s what went down in the Hamptons. (Has anyone actually ever been to the Hamptons or is it just some place people go on TV? Could someone share a real-life experience?) Sonja: Is that drag queen coming? Oh, Sonja, why can&amp;#039;t I quit you? And why can&amp;#039;t you quit burlesque? I am all for people expressing their sexuality and being creative, but the show Sonja put on was a hot mess that didn&amp;#039;t meet the quality of my seventh-grade talent show \u2014 at which someone threw up during their rendition of &amp;quot;The Rose.&amp;quot; The problem isn&amp;#039;t that Sonja is talentless (she is), but the fact that she thinks she can get away on charm alone. She&amp;#039;s very charming, I would love to have her as a friend, but I would also be sitting there cringing with the others if she invited me to drive hours to see her perform a strange art piece about having a thing for men with ties while calling herself daddy-o. This is how I imagine my friends must feel when they come see me do open mics. They don&amp;#039;t want to be mean but the only thing they can say is &amp;quot;what energy!&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;that shirt looked so great up there!&amp;quot; I guess I would compliment Sonja on the classy plastic chairs? Girl, those are so easy to hose down! The one thing I don&amp;#039;t get is why the women on this show are so mean to Sonja behind her back but so nice to her face. Did you forget this was being filmed? Did you forget there&amp;#039;s a reunion? All of this is on tape! Other questions I have: *Why is everything Sonja owns in shambles? *Why do her interns get college credit for serving wine? *Why doesn&amp;#039;t her house have hot water when she knows people are coming to stay? *Why did she ask whether high-waisted bathing suits were coming back when she and I both know that&amp;#039;s never going to happen? Well, at least Sonja&amp;#039;s confident. She thinks she&amp;#039;s taking this show to Law Vegas and Berlin. And if nothing else, she reminded all of us (for the second time in two seasons) that she has a very healthy uterus. (So shut up about that menopause, Amanda!) (WHO ARE YOU, EVEN, AMANDA?) Heather: For Shiz! Oh, Heather. Stop trying to make your catchphrases a thing. We get it: You&amp;#039;re young! You&amp;#039;re cool! You say &amp;quot;Holla!&amp;quot; to strangers and call Carole &amp;quot;Radzi.&amp;quot; You are going to be the cool mom who&amp;#039;s going to leave condoms out for your kids. I bet that actually works for you in real life, but on the show you&amp;#039;re just grating because you have no storyline to back any of these catchphrases up. Did anyone else think that Heather was just trying to create her own drama when she started yelling at Amanda? If someone threatened to punch me at a party I would probably walk away and be all &amp;quot;well, someone&amp;#039;s not a grown-up...&amp;quot; but that is not Heather&amp;#039;s way. You threaten Heather and she will come after you, the giant sleeves of her organza sweater-shirt flying as she criticizes you for your posture and ill-breeding. Heather will not let anyone with scoliosis step to her! You hear that, Deenie?  If the name Amanda in the above paragraph was unfamiliar to you, that&amp;#039;s because this woman just showed up in the last episode and seems to be here just to be Aviva&amp;#039;s friend/instigator (really the same thing). She&amp;#039;s an image consultant and ... she&amp;#039;s not doing a very good job of selling her brand. Sorry! Kristen: At this point I just need some time alone. Kristin is still hurt by her husband&amp;#039;s behavior at the marathon and needs to be alone to clear her thoughts. Aside from demanding that everyone stop trying to make Harry Dubin happen (right on, Kristen!), Her only other notable moment on this episode was when she suggested that the other ladies might want to stop fighting and let some shit go. Ah, Kristen, to be young and in your first season again. So many people have tried, and so many people have failed, to accomplish what you&amp;#039;re trying to accomplish. Let&amp;#039;s see what happens when the producers give you your own enemy this season. (It will probably be Aviva.) (Who am I kidding? It will definitely be Aviva!) Carole and Aviva: You&amp;#039;re a liar! Man, these ladies are really turning this into an all-out war, complete with alliances and threats of physical violence. At least one of these housewives will end up in the hospital this season and I don&amp;#039;t know if it&amp;#039;s going to be for Valium refills or because Heather and Aviva start swinging arms and legs at each other in the middle of another party Luann is holding. Both Carole and Aviva were pretty quiet during this episode. In the first thirty minutes Luann and Aviva agreed that Carole was not a girl who liked girls (no she&amp;#039;s just a girl who doesn&amp;#039;t like you!) (why does everyone on this show refer to themselves as girls?), and in the second half Carole said she wasn&amp;#039;t going to let Aviva stop her from living her life or seeing her friends (ok?), but that was about it. And then, in the last five minutes, it all exploded. And it was all Sonja&amp;#039;s fault. Here&amp;#039;s the thing: Sonja loves to get drunk and be loud and hug people. That&amp;#039;s someone who you laugh with and tolerate, not take directive from. So when the lovable, out-of-control mess tries to moderate a petty fight like she&amp;#039;s fucking Gwen Ifill at the presidential debate, I say pause and think about whether you want to get into whatever&amp;#039;s happening right now. And if not, take a deep breath and let it go until there&amp;#039;s a better more quiet time to scream some more about your books. But that didn&amp;#039;t happen \u2014 because of course it didn&amp;#039;t \u2014 so prepare for the first half of next week&amp;#039;s recap to just be a blow-by-blow of who called whom names and a detailed account of what happens when someone breaks one of Luann&amp;#039;s plates or stabs a knife through one of her tables. THAT IS MAHOGANY! RELATED: The Real Housewives of New York Recap: Let the Yelling Commence! (Episode 1) The Real Housewives of New York Recap: You&amp;#039;re Up Here, I&amp;#039;m Down Here (Episode 2) The Real Housewives of New York Recap: Bring Out the Earplugs (Episode 3) Photo Credit: Bravo "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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