<http://schema.org/articleBody>
" 1. Stop saying &amp;quot;Please&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;Thank you.&amp;quot; Being polite and grateful will make people more inclined to help you. And if people are willing to help you, you may accidentally get something you want. Replace them with placeholders, like &amp;quot;Now&amp;quot; and &amp;quot;About time.&amp;quot; 2. Avoid all eye contact. An absolute must. Looking someone in the eye can come off as charming, or confident, or &amp;quot;normal.&amp;quot; When dealing with men, you want to stare at their hairline. Even if it&amp;#039;s a good hairline. Keep staring. It&amp;#039;ll get to them. With women, you&amp;#039;re gonna wanna stare at their friend&amp;#039;s breasts.  3. Quit reading things. Newspapers. The Internet. Your mail. This magazine. Reading only leads to thought, and thought leads to more thought. And eventually all that thought will manifest into some form of something you might want. But that&amp;#039;s not what this list is about. It&amp;#039;s about not getting what you want, and that&amp;#039;s what you want, so stop reading.  4. No tipping. If you ever have to tip someone, and I mean have to (say your new girlfriend&amp;#039;s dad is a valet), ball up the money and throw it as far away as you can. Fun fact: If you ball up three or four quarters in a dollar bill, it goes really far \u2014 if you know how to throw. 5. Say no to doing fun things. Like going out to dinner, having friends over to your home, any kind of travel, babysitting a young child, or working on a movie with Owen Wilson and the Farrelly brothers. 6. Trip people. Do this everywhere. And often. (Warning: This one can lead to some undesired roughhousing.)  7. Steal batteries from family and friends. Anytime you&amp;#039;re at a loved one&amp;#039;s home, find the portable devices, crack &amp;#039;em open, and snake the batteries. And don&amp;#039;t forget: Those elusive 9-volt batteries may be found in most smoke detectors. 8. Be mean to children. And rude to animals. If you can orchestrate for children and animals to be pitted against one another, always do so. It&amp;#039;s about putting forth a little extra effort on a karmic level.  Jason Sudeikis is in his sixth season as a cast member on Saturday Night Live. He costars with Owen Wilson in the new Farrelly brothers film Hall Pass.  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/a9441/jason-sudeikis-jokes-021811/>