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" Emily Listfield found herself suddenly single when her husband unexpectedly died after 10 years of marriage. She was completely unprepared for the adventures (and misadventures) that awaited her on the dating scene.  Is it okay to continue dating a man who sees other women, too?  It was midnight when I slipped my keys in the front door and walked into my apartment, kicking off my shoes and whispering hello to my babysitter, Joyce. I was getting out my wallet to pay her when my 13-year-old daughter, Sasha, stumbled half-asleep from her bedroom. As I said good night to Joyce and clicked the door shut behind her, Sasha rubbed her eyes.  &amp;quot;Did he agree to stop seeing other women, Mom?&amp;quot;  I had been dating B. for three months and we were stalled. We had a wicked physical attraction and could talk about absolutely anything, so I assumed we were just getting off to a slow start -- I chalked up our impasse to logistics. After all, he traveled a lot on business and had his children every other weekend, and I was a single working parent. But then, two nights ago, over our second glass of wine in a near-deserted restaurant, B. had said it was time we had the &amp;quot;relationship talk,&amp;quot; which began, as the bad ones tend to, with &amp;quot;I really like you, but....&amp;quot; B. definitely wanted us to keep seeing each other, but he thought I should know that he was dating other women. And that he planned on continuing.  I was blindsided. After 10 years of marriage and a few years of tentative post-widowhood dating, I had never run into this situation. I told B. that I wasn&amp;#039;t seeing anyone else, and we got into a long talk about whether our relationship could continue on his terms. (His vote: Yes. Mine: No, absolutely not. Well, maybe. No way. And finally, I don&amp;#039;t know.) I went home that night totally confused and spent the next couple of days immersed in rationalization: Why shouldn&amp;#039;t I keep seeing him while I look for something better? What&amp;#039;s wrong with his dating other women if we&amp;#039;re both honest? I can handle it emotionally, really I can. Tonight, I had gone over to his apartment to talk about it further.  Despite everything, I was crazy about B. He was smart, successful, a great father, supportive of my career, totally sexy, a fabulous cook, and he made me laugh. But to say he had a problem with monogamy is an understatement. He simply didn&amp;#039;t believe in monogamy and even argued that it went against human nature. B. had been on the debate team at Harvard and could dance rings around me with historic citations to back up his point. I remained unconvinced. &amp;quot;It just doesn&amp;#039;t work for me,&amp;quot; I told him finally. I left the roses he had bought me on the table and went home, sadly.  &amp;quot;Well?&amp;quot; Sasha was staring at me, waiting for an answer.  &amp;quot;No,&amp;quot; I said, finally. &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;s not going to stop seeing other women.&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;What are you going to do?&amp;quot;  I paused. Part of me regretted telling her what B. had said the other night. I had left myself no wiggle room if I didn&amp;#039;t want to lose my dignity in her eyes. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m not going to date him anymore,&amp;quot; I said. Though I had told B. the same thing before I left him, saying it aloud to Sasha began to make it feel real.  &amp;quot;Well, of course not,&amp;quot; she said and, satisfied, went back to her bedroom.   The fact is, I was learning how to date relatively late in life. Before I got married, my experience with various types of relationships was limited. Now, for better or worse, my daughter was there to witness every dating elation (he called!) and letdown (he didn&amp;#039;t). This wasn&amp;#039;t exactly how I&amp;#039;d pictured motherhood, but if Sasha learned early on the lesson of self-respect, of upholding your standards, then at least there was an upside to the false starts and fizzled evenings.  Then B. began calling and e-mailing me again, and my willpower faltered. At first we met for drinks on Saturday afternoons while Sasha was at swim lessons. Soon we graduated to dinner. Before I knew it we were back where we started. Happy to be with him again, I became a master at self-delusion. I told myself we were growing closer, that this time my eyes were open, and that I could manage my expectations. I offered the same excuses to my friends. The only person I didn&amp;#039;t say those words to was Sasha. Instead, I lied and told her B. and I were just friends now. &amp;quot;Does he know that?&amp;quot; she asked me as I headed out to dinner with him one evening. &amp;quot;&amp;#039;Cause you&amp;#039;re seeing an awful lot of each other for just friends.&amp;quot;  I laughed, but her words began to eat at me. Um, wasn&amp;#039;t there something inherently flawed with the relationship if I felt a need to lie to my daughter about it? I wasn&amp;#039;t happy with B., but most of all I wasn&amp;#039;t happy with myself. Still, I was having a hard time giving him up -- until my friend Rebecca, also a single mom, felt compelled to do a dating intervention. She told me her personal litmus test: &amp;quot;Ask yourself, is this the kind of relationship you&amp;#039;d want for your daughter?&amp;quot; I knew in that instant that, when it was Sasha&amp;#039;s turn to date (hopefully around the age of, say, 30), I wanted her to be confident enough to stick up for her own worth, to be willing to walk away from a man who didn&amp;#039;t treat her as she deserved. I knew that I wanted her to stay away from &amp;quot;but&amp;quot; men (as in: I know he likes me but...he&amp;#039;s busy at work/is getting over a bad breakup/needs a little space/will come around eventually). Most of all, I didn&amp;#039;t want her ever to lower her expectations.  If that type of relationship wasn&amp;#039;t good enough for my daughter, why was it good enough for me?  I broke up with B. for good the following week.  Emily Listfield&amp;#039;s autobiographical novel Waiting to Surface will be published in October. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/advice/a1687/dating-lessons-daughter/>