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" 1. What tattoos do you have?  A. My girlfriend&amp;#039;s name on my ankle. (0) B. None. (-3) C. Chinese symbol for strength on my shoulder blade. (1) D. Whatever&amp;#039;s on sale that day that&amp;#039;ll look good on my face. (9)  2. When was the last time you were in a fistfight?  A. Third grade, when I got beaten up by a bully for wearing my red velour shirt. (-6) B. Within the last two years. (2) C. I&amp;#039;m in a fight right now and am using this magazine to sodomize my opponent. (10)  3. What&amp;#039;s the most expensive thing you&amp;#039;ve ever stolen?  A. That&amp;#039;s a trick question! Stealing is wrong. (-8) B. A Charleston Chew. (1) C. An Oasis CD in 1998. (3) D. The babysitter&amp;#039;s virginity. (11)  4. Complete this sentence: &amp;quot;The craziest thing I&amp;#039;ve ever eaten is _____________.&amp;quot; A. A bowl of Franken Berry mixed with Count Chocula -- without any milk. (-4) B. A worm at recess. (-1) C. A cactus. (5) D. A mouse I was gonna give my snake. (7)  5. Indicate the position you played in high school football.  A. Clarinet (-10) B. 227-pound field-goal kicker (1) C. 153-pound middle linebacker (9) D. Legally blind punt returner (17)  6. What is the most confrontational remark you&amp;#039;ve ever made to your boss?  A. &amp;quot;May I go to lunch now? It&amp;#039;s almost midnight.&amp;quot; (-13) B. &amp;quot;Are you sure about that, sir?&amp;quot; (1) C. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;ll take lunch when I tell you to take lunch!&amp;quot; (15)  7. You&amp;#039;re supposed to pick your girlfriend up at the airport. You\u2026 A. Get there an hour early just in case her flight makes good time against the headwinds. (-9) B. Get there ten minutes late, &amp;#039;cause it always takes a while at baggage claim. (-1) C. Watch the entire Ohio State game, kick a dent in my car at halftime, and lie and say I was in a car accident. (8) D. Pick her up as soon as her best friend finishes blowing me. (19)  8. When you watched Jackass Number Two, what thoughts went through your head?  A. Didn&amp;#039;t see it. (0)B. &amp;quot;Jesus and a half! These guys are nuts!&amp;quot; (-5) C. &amp;quot;I wonder how many calories are in cow manure?&amp;quot; (4)D. &amp;quot;That particular stunt actually works better if you attach the electrode directly to your scrotum.&amp;quot; (10)  9. When at the dentist having a root canal, you choose\u2026 A. The happy gas that goes over your nose. (-3) B. Injection into your gums. (0) C. Nothing. (13) D. Waterboarding. (30)  10. You are dealt this hand in a game of poker. What&amp;#039;s your move?  A. I actually don&amp;#039;t play poker, but when I go to Vegas, I do enjoy the nickel I Dream of Jeannie slot machine! (-7) B. I&amp;#039;d fold before you could say, &amp;quot;Ten high.&amp;quot; (0) C. Raise $15,000. (20)  11. Have you ever\u2026(check all that apply)  A. Drank an entire Big Gulp? (0)B. Gone to a taping of The Tyra Banks Show? (-3) C. Hot-wired a car? (16) D. Fought more than one person at the same time? (23) E. Ridden a motorcycle without a helmet? (5) F. Kissed a cat? (-7) G. Kissed a cat despite being allergic to cats? (-6) H. Wrestled with a bear? (34) I. Eaten ice cream really, really fast? (1)   12. If you were at a presidential press conference and able to ask a question, what would it be?  A. Too nervous to speak in front of our commander in chief. Sorry. (-15) B. &amp;quot;Can more be done about global warming, Mr. President?&amp;quot; (2) C. &amp;quot;Does Mr. Cheney tie your ties and then you just loop them over your head?&amp;quot; (17)  13. What was your response the last time you were turned away by a bouncer?  A. Asked him where the nearest bar that I could get into would be. (-6) B. Said, &amp;quot;That&amp;#039;s cool,&amp;quot; then gave him the finger and walked away. (6) C. Asked him if, after taxes, he pockets more than $180 a week. (10)  14. Read the following list of phrases and circle any you have used when negotiating a business deal. (One point each.)  A. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m outta here.&amp;quot; B. &amp;quot;Fuck you.&amp;quot;C. &amp;quot;Say hello to my little friend.&amp;quot;D. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ll eat you for breakfast and shit you out by lunch.&amp;quot;E. &amp;quot;Right kneecap or left? It&amp;#039;s your choice.&amp;quot; F. &amp;quot;There&amp;#039;s only one bullet in this gun. You first.&amp;quot; G. &amp;quot;If you ever want to see your daughter again\u2026&amp;quot;  15. What would you do for a PlayStation 3?  A. Nothing. Video games are bad for my eyes. (-7) B. Wait patiently in line, as long as it isn&amp;#039;t too cold out. (-1) C. Mug a Wal-Mart employee, steal his uniform, and pretend I work there. (5) D. Fuck a panda. (12)  16. Which of the following people you would fight?  (No minimum or maximum number required; add or subtract number of points in parentheses after each name.)  A. Ron Artest (27) B. Neil Patrick Harris (-1) C. Brett Favre (13) D. Michael J. Fox (-5) E. Stephen Jackson (14) F. Stephen Hawking (-40) G. Barry Bonds (20) H. Mike Tyson (25) I. Tom Hanks (0) J. Mike Ditka (23) K. Russell Crowe (19)  17. You accidentally obtain some inside stock information that is technically illegal. What do you do?  A. Nothing! Are you crazy? (-5) B. Buy five shares and pray that Jesus forgives me. (5)C. Buy as many shares as I can afford after selling the information on my Website. (10)  18. What&amp;#039;s the most daring public place you&amp;#039;ve had sex?  A. I once adjusted my privates in a freight elevator, and there may have been a surveillance camera. Yikes! (-11) B. On the monkey bars at an elementary-school playground. (8) C. On the hood of my ex-girlfriend&amp;#039;s car, on a weekend, in her husband&amp;#039;s driveway. (20)  19. You&amp;#039;re a huge Jets fan in Oakland at a Jets-Raiders game. How are you dressed?  A. In black and silver, to blend in. (-15)B. Khaki slacks and a sensible maroon V-neck sweater, or whatever I wore to church. (-9)C. Shirtless with my torso and face painted green and white. (10)D. Naked with my body painted green and white and holding a sign that says &amp;quot;You can&amp;#039;t spell Raiders without AIDS.&amp;quot; (24)  20. What&amp;#039;s the ballsiest thing you&amp;#039;ve ever attempted while drunk?  A. Sewing a button on a shirt. (-10) B. Making a grilled cheese on my George Foreman grill. (1)C. Breaking up with a girl. (2) D. The Indy 500. (15)  21. What did you take this quiz with?  A. By memory. I&amp;#039;m in a doctor&amp;#039;s office right now and don&amp;#039;t want to deface his magazine. (-10) B. Pencil. (-5) C. Sharpie. (5) D. Can of spray paint. (10)  Scoring Guide Less than 0 The only balls you have came with your Ping-Pong table. 0 to 200 Your balls have the manufacturer&amp;#039;s recommended pressure per square inch. Still, they could be bigger. More Than 200 Russell Crowe, Jack Murtha, and Johnny Knoxville recently got together and started your fan club. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/lifestyle/quizzes/a2186/esq0307quiz/>