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"1. Foreplay. Porn star: &amp;quot;All this soft touching is boring! Real Grown-Up Women only have an orgasm by going from 0 to full penetration! Now fuck the shit out of me even though I am not properly lubricated and am also not that turned on by you personally, because that feels great!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;Uh, you DO know that if we don&amp;#039;t make out for like half an hour before we have sex, I will be as dry as the audiobook of Moby Dick, right? Okay, great, now please make some kind of tactile contact with one or both of my boobs.&amp;quot; 2. Body hair. Porn star: &amp;quot;Women don&amp;#039;t have hair anywhere except their head, and I guess their eyebrows! Also, we don&amp;#039;t go to the bathroom, and when we cough, tiny fairies jump out of our mouths and toss glitter in your eye!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;I do not enjoy lying in a freezing cold room with my legs in the air while an Eastern European woman with dead eyes rips my pubic hair off. Deal with it.&amp;quot; More Porn! Contrary to popular belief, there is good porn for women, in the form of sensual books, flicks, Web videos and more. 3. Discovering that your partner has a huge penis.. Porn star: &amp;quot;Oh my God, you&amp;#039;re huge! I love gigantic hard cocks everywhere, like on my desktop computer wallpaper, or even in my ear!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;Holy SHIT. CAN&amp;#039;T.&amp;quot; (You guys know that line from &amp;quot;Peacock,&amp;quot; the Penis Ode by Katy Perry? &amp;quot;I just shed a tear / I was so unprepared?&amp;quot; That&amp;#039;s how I feel when I am caught off-guard by a giant erect penis.) 4. Giving a blowjob. Porn star: &amp;quot;I love doing this! I love everything about this! I would definitely rather not be doing anything else, like playing with kittens or receiving a merit award!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;Is this working? It seems like it is. Do I need to do something with the balls? I should maybe ask Yahoo Answers, since they are clearly the authority on everything. Man, this is taking awhile. It will be awesome when I can breathe again.&amp;quot; 5. Swallowing. Porn star: &amp;quot;Mmmm, I wish they bottled this and sold it at Whole Foods!&amp;quot;  Real woman: &amp;quot;I just put these nice Ralph Lauren sheets on my bed, so why not! Also, do you have some gum?&amp;quot; 6. Getting a facial. Porn star: &amp;quot;Ooh! This is like being misted with refreshing spa water, but mixed with Play Dough, and seXXXier!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;This is actually kind of hot. But is it going to cancel the effects of that actual Groupon facial I got last week?&amp;quot; 7. Doggy-style. Porn star: &amp;quot;This element of degradation and anonymity is definitely not making me wonder whether you are actually attracted to me! I will call you &amp;#039;Daddy&amp;#039; now because that&amp;#039;s not weird for either of us!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;I should really get that wall repainted.&amp;quot; 8. Anal sex. Porn star: &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ve never felt such an intense sense of satisfaction with my personal and professional life as I do when my butthole is being reamed.&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;Why did I agree to do this? Would my whole life have been different if I had gone to grad school? Am I pooping? Am I pooping on a dick right now?&amp;quot; 9. Receiving oral sex. Porn star: &amp;quot;Oh my God! That&amp;#039;s it! Right there! Yeah!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;Sort of. Down more. A little to the left. No, too far left. No, that&amp;#039;s my elbow. Actually, fuck it, Duck Dynasty&amp;#039;s on.&amp;quot; 10. Having an orgasm. Porn star: &amp;quot;If I fake this unnaturally attractive orgasm loud enough nobody will be able to tell that I am actually thinking about what I&amp;#039;m going to make my two-year-old son for dinner tonight! So here I go: EEEEEEEEEEE!&amp;quot; Real woman: *flops around* &amp;quot;************!*!*!*~~~~~*!!!!!&amp;quot; *makes weird faces, probably.* 11. Afterwards. Porn star: &amp;quot;Again, again!&amp;quot; Real woman: &amp;quot;Want to make me some grilled cheese? Also, can you take the trash out? Thanks!&amp;quot; Follow Anna on Twitter. Images via Getty "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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