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"On a recent Tuesday afternoon, my daughter Maggie, 15, didn&amp;#039;t come home on time from school. I tried her cell phone; no answer. To my knowledge, she didn&amp;#039;t have any activities or specific plans. By five o&amp;#039;clock, genuine worry kicked in. My hand was poised over the phone. I had no idea whom to call. Her friend circle was in heavy rotation. At 5:13, she walked in, dropped her backpack on the floor, and said with infuriating nonchalance, &amp;quot;Hey. What&amp;#039;s for dinner?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Where have you been?&amp;quot; I asked, sounding just as shrill as my mom had when she had asked me the same question. &amp;quot;Shopping with some friends,&amp;quot; said Maggie. &amp;quot;Who?&amp;quot; I asked. &amp;quot;Girls from school,&amp;quot; she said. &amp;quot;Which girls? What stores? Why didn&amp;#039;t you call?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re going to interrogate me, forget dinner,&amp;quot; she replied. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m going to my room.&amp;quot; I backed down and served the meal. My maternal feeding instinct was greater than my fear of her juvenile delinquency. Later, when Maggie was allegedly doing homework, she quickly closed her laptop whenever I came near. Only a year earlier, her life had been an open iBook. She&amp;#039;d told me everything about her friends, thoughts, and concerns. during the motormouth stage, I had sometimes wished she&amp;#039;d shut up. Now? Couldn&amp;#039;t pry her mouth open with a crowbar. I missed her wise-for-her-years insights, the middle school gossip, the sound of her voice. High school had changed Maggie. She&amp;#039;d graduated to other concerns. Not that I knew what they were. &amp;quot;Sounds like Maggie is right on schedule,&amp;quot; says Lynn Schlesinger, a family therapist in Summit, NJ. &amp;quot;When most kids are ages 12 to 15, they begin to separate from their parents and become their own people. They start to rely on their friends for emotional support and turn less often to Mom and Dad. Many older teens, 16 and up, can be fiercely protective about their privacy. Their bodies change, they&amp;#039;re more aware of social pressures,and suddenly they&amp;#039;re embarrassed about everything \u2014 including their parents.&amp;quot; The sad irony about so-called &amp;quot;healthy separation&amp;quot;: It happens at precisely the wrong time. In high school (or before), kids stumble onto the rockiest terrain of their young lives \u2014 sex, drugs, alcohol, body-image issues, social and academic pressure. Having been there, I have so much wisdom to share. Maggie, though, isn&amp;#039;t remotely interested in hearing it. The child who used to sit on my lap while we watched American Idol now thinks I&amp;#039;m a nosy, judgmental, critical, interfering rube. She&amp;#039;s right. But still. I&amp;#039;m not curious about my daughter&amp;#039;s private life for my sake. The goal isn&amp;#039;t to crack her like a nut. I just want to make sure she&amp;#039;s OK...and, if not, to reassure Maggie that I want to help. Communication and conversation: That&amp;#039;s what I want. And so, seeking to grease the wheels of teen/parent relations, I ferreted out strategies from experts plus some other unlikely (but wise) suspects. Here&amp;#039;s what I learned: Take the side door When talking to teens, the straightforward approach will likely lead you into a brick wall. If your child sees an intrusive question coming, he&amp;#039;ll deflect it. Instead, initiate a conversation with seemingly harmless questions. &amp;quot;You might be trying to find out the name of your child&amp;#039;s new friend. Don&amp;#039;t say, &amp;#039;Who&amp;#039;s that kid you&amp;#039;re always texting lately?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says Robin Haight, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist who specializes in adolescents and who is in private practice in Vienna, Va. &amp;quot;Instead, ask banal questions: &amp;#039;What video game are you playing?&amp;#039; &amp;#039;Do you get high scores?&amp;#039; Your son might start talking about the game and mention that &amp;#039;Brian&amp;#039; gets better scores. A few days later, you might hear more about Brian. With teens, information comes in snippets. As a parent, you gather those bits and try to fill in the big picture.&amp;quot; While the stealth approach will yield more of these snippets, it will take time, so be patient \u2014 and proactive. &amp;quot;Create what I call a &amp;#039;target-rich environment,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says Haight. &amp;quot;Ask more of those harmless questions that might lead somewhere. Keep the topics neutral: sports, food, shopping.&amp;quot; It could take weeks of conversational sidewinding to net a juicy nugget of information. Chatting about Grand Theft Auto and Lady Gaga for hours may seem like wasted breath, but, cautions Haight, keep in mind that &amp;quot;you&amp;#039;re building comfort and trust, and reinforcing the connections within the family.&amp;quot; Bring Icebreakers Conversations often flow better when there&amp;#039;s an object that triggers them. This is something TV interviewers and documentary filmmakers know well: &amp;quot;Putting a subject in a chair, turning on the camera, and saying, &amp;#039;Now tell me your deepest fears, hopes, and dreams&amp;#039; may not work. The subject can feel put on the spot,&amp;quot; notes Ricki Stern, mother of three and an Emmy-nominated director and producer of documentary films,including Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. &amp;quot;But if you do something with them, like drive in a car or cook, or put something in their hands, subjects have something to do and will start talking about the object, and the next thing you know, they go off on a barely related tangent about something more revealing.&amp;quot; So bring home a stack of rented DVDs to jump-start some chats. Walk into the house with a bag of groceries, and you will not be alone for long. I knocked on Maggie&amp;#039;s bedroom door with a new liquid eyeliner. &amp;quot;I have a business lunch tomorrow,&amp;quot; I said. &amp;quot;Thought I&amp;#039;d try a smoky eye.&amp;quot; Standing at her mirror, I started working and asked for her input. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re not doing it right,&amp;quot; she said, and directed me to sit on her bed to submit to a makeover. &amp;quot;How do you know so much about this?&amp;quot; I asked. &amp;quot;YouTube videos,&amp;quot; she said, wand in hand. &amp;quot;Trial and error. I experiment a lot; whatever makes me look older.&amp;quot; Right before my eyes (lids now shimmering), Maggie&amp;#039;s composure melted. She told me how much she hated being slim. Every other girl in her grade was a lot curvier. She wanted to look more mature, like, tomorrow. Twenty minutes later, the spigot of true confession shut off just as quickly as it had turned on. I held back the bromides about late bloomers and forced myself to simply listen and lend support. I said, &amp;quot;Anytime you want to talk about it, I&amp;#039;m here for you.&amp;quot; Maggie rolled her expertly lined eyes and said, &amp;quot;Don&amp;#039;t ruin it, Mom.&amp;quot; (I&amp;#039;m trying not to, believe me.) Second that emotion A paradox of teenagehood: Kids feel chronically misunderstood, but do little to correct misconceptions about themselves. They have an image, as well as a secret self, to protect...often by saying very little. So how do you draw out these shadowy creatures in your midst? When chatting, &amp;quot;don&amp;#039;t echo back what they&amp;#039;ve said to prove you&amp;#039;ve been listening. A typical teen might reply, &amp;#039;Duh, I just said that,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; observes Haight. &amp;quot;Instead, describe the emotion they&amp;#039;ve expressed.&amp;quot; For example, if your son brings home a D in geometry and says, &amp;quot;I suck at math,&amp;quot; show empathy by saying, &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s scary to feel like you don&amp;#039;t get something.&amp;quot; You&amp;#039;re keying in to the emotion, not telling him he&amp;#039;s wrong (&amp;quot;You&amp;#039;re not stupid!&amp;quot;) or going into fix-it mode (&amp;quot;We&amp;#039;ll get a tutor&amp;quot;). And don&amp;#039;t always try to lighten the mood when your child brings up unhappy feelings; you may shut down a conversation before it starts. For instance, a pimple isn&amp;#039;t the end of the world. But for a teen on school-picture day? It is. &amp;quot;Put yourself in her shoes,&amp;quot; says Lauren Ayers, Ph.d., a psychologist in Saratoga Springs, NY, and author of Teenage Girls: A Parent&amp;#039;s Survival Manual. &amp;quot;Remember what it was like to feel vulnerable in a high-pressure situation. You may think a joke puts the problem [or pimple] in perspective, but you&amp;#039;re really belittling her.&amp;quot; Instead, empathize with the emotion. Say, &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s frustrating to feel out of control about the way you look.&amp;quot; Odds are, she&amp;#039;ll tell you more about how she&amp;#039;s feeling. Be the student Yes, you&amp;#039;re the parent, but flaunting your experience and expertise can make a teen clam up. Instead, &amp;quot;If you humble yourself, and act like you don&amp;#039;t have a clue, you give teens a chance to feel superior,&amp;quot; says Ayers. &amp;quot;And they will take that opportunity.&amp;quot; Ideally, you&amp;#039;ll have a news-hook entry point; for example, &amp;quot;So California voted on legalizing marijuana. People don&amp;#039;t smoke pot much anymore, do they?&amp;quot; Your teen might talk about people he knows or things he&amp;#039;s heard. At the very least, you&amp;#039;ll gather insight and those in-demand snippets. The media can be a great conversational springboard, too. &amp;quot;If you know that your teen is a fan of a band or a TV show, ask about it: &amp;#039;So tell me, what&amp;#039;s so great about Glee?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; suggests Amber Madison, author of Talking Sex With Your Kids: Keeping Them Safe and You Sane \u2014 By Knowing What They&amp;#039;re Really Thinking. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s an authentic question that will start an open-ended conversation. You&amp;#039;ll gain insight into your kid by listening to how she talks about the characters.&amp;quot; Also, play dumb about teen language. Nothing irritates Maggie more than when I say &amp;quot;epic fail&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;totes ridic.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Some parents need to try harder to be their kids&amp;#039; friend, but a lot of parents need to be more parental,&amp;quot; says Madison. &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re 40-something, saying &amp;#039;OMG&amp;#039; doesn&amp;#039;t make you sound plugged in to teen culture. It makes you sound dorky and forced.&amp;quot; So forget feeble attempts at Teensperanto. It only highlights the generation gap. Instead, connect by listening to what they mean, not how they say it, and your conversational connection will be that much stronger. Aim Lower &amp;quot;If your kid doesn&amp;#039;t talk to you much, you can&amp;#039;t take it personally,&amp;quot; says Haight. &amp;quot;Part of raising kids involves becoming aware that they have a separate life, and that they will make decisions that don&amp;#039;t necessarily reflect on you.&amp;quot; Accepting that is critical as your child matures. To make peace with their changing role, parents have to establish a new emotional baseline. Maggie is never going to sit in my lap and watch American Idol again. But she will sit next to me and watch Top Chef. She won&amp;#039;t rehash every social skirmish or tell me whom she has a crush on. But she does ask me about world events and share her own passionate opinions. Sometimes she gives up a few nuggets of information. I&amp;#039;ll take what I can get, in the hope that one day the gold rush will come in. I find solace in this comment from Ayers: &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re circulating enough in your kids&amp;#039; lives \u2014 driving them places, having dinner together \u2014 you hear and see enough to spot trouble. Just because kids don&amp;#039;t talk, that doesn&amp;#039;t mean there&amp;#039;s a problem. The fact is, teens aren&amp;#039;t so good at communicating. Were you as articulate at 15 as you were at 25? Set expectations low, and raise them as time passes.&amp;quot; So meet my new mantra: Less is more. There&amp;#039;s a limit to how much I can and should know about my daughter&amp;#039;s private life. It hurts \u2014 I won&amp;#039;t lie \u2014 to feel excluded from her thoughts. But as an adult, I have to put my feelings aside. Right now, I need to do what&amp;#039;s right for her, which means giving her room to grow...and accepting that running commentary may not always be part of the picture. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/tips/a19188/improve-communication-with-your-teen/>