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"Kelly and James were our oldest friends. We met before we had kids, and while James and my husband, Sam, bonded over hours-long bike rides and trail runs, Kelly and I connected over our love of literature and movies, politics and fashion. As the years progressed, our lives stayed in sync: We had babies around the same time, bought houses near each other, took vacations together. On Sundays, when it came time for dinner, the only question was, our house or theirs? Married 20-plus years, Kelly and James* had weathered some tough times \u2014 his incessant travel for work, her struggles with low moods \u2014 but their relationship seemed solid. Or so we thought until last July, when James confessed to Kelly that he was in love with another woman and had been cheating on Kelly for months.  I&amp;#039;d seen agony up close, but never quite like this. Kelly called almost daily, sobbing through her recitation of hurts. James, by contrast, seemed happier by the week and, after months of hiding his affair, was suddenly eager to spill the intimate details. As his best pal, Sam was the logical &amp;quot;spill-ee.&amp;quot; Caught in the middle, we both felt whipsawed. A bomb had gone off inside our lives and, uncertain what to do, we warily circled the impact zone. Should we take sides? Cut ties with James? Encourage them to reconcile? Push Kelly to move on?  Buried deeper, we had growing fears about the state of our own union. Would becoming enmeshed in our dear friends&amp;#039; marital disaster create conflict (or worse) between us? We wanted to protect our relationship \u2014 and preserve our friendship with both our old friends. The thing was, we didn&amp;#039;t know how.  &amp;quot;Infidelity doesn&amp;#039;t just affect the couple who are involved,&amp;quot; says Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up. &amp;quot;It affects everyone who knows them and causes lots of pain and confusion.&amp;quot; And the way it affects you can be as surprising as it is upsetting. &amp;quot;If a couple are very good friends of yours, it can feel like a personal loss, because all those years of doing things together as couples are over,&amp;quot; says Lerner. Following are common issues that come up; knowing how to navigate them can help you help your friend \u2014 without losing your own way. Trap #1: She wants you to hate him, too After her friend&amp;#039;s husband had an affair several years ago, author Danine Manette of Berkeley, CA, stepped in to pick up the pieces. &amp;quot;My friend was calling me and crying on my shoulder nearly every day for weeks,&amp;quot; recalls Manette. &amp;quot;She said terrible things about her husband and got me riled up, too. I agreed with her that he was a lying jerk and that she was better off without him.&amp;quot; Then, out of the blue, Manette&amp;#039;s friend stopped calling. &amp;quot;When I tried to contact her, she brushed me off. It turned out she was in the process of reconciling with her husband, and I think she was embarrassed because we&amp;#039;d both said such terrible things about him. That was the end of the friendship.&amp;quot; It seems unfair that your unqualified support of a friend could lead to a serious rift, but in the realm of infidelity it&amp;#039;s not uncommon, according to Lerner. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s one of the pitfalls in this situation,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;When your friend says, &amp;#039;My husband is a lying, psychopathic jerk,&amp;#039; she wants you to agree, because in that moment, when she&amp;#039;s in such pain, she needs him to be the villain. But as time goes by and she becomes less angry, she may start seeing him in a different light.&amp;quot; And if she does, she may not want to justify her change of heart to anyone who&amp;#039;s joined her in ripping him to shreds. A safer way to respond to her husband-bashing, says life coach M.J. Ryan, author of AdaptAbility: How to Survive Change You Didn&amp;#039;t Ask For, is to mirror her feelings, not her words. &amp;quot;You can say something like, &amp;#039;I don&amp;#039;t blame you for feeling hurt and angry,&amp;#039; or, &amp;#039;Anyone in your shoes would feel betrayed and upset,&amp;#039; &amp;quot; Ryan says. I&amp;#039;ve said similar things to Kelly, even though we have the opposite problem: I&amp;#039;ve maintained a friendship with James. Although Kelly (to her eternal credit) has never mentioned it, I know my continued contact with her soon-to-be ex is painful for her and that she&amp;#039;d prefer it if I shunned him. Truth is, if I were she I&amp;#039;d feel the same way. But he&amp;#039;s my husband&amp;#039;s best friend; I can&amp;#039;t cut him out of my life. Instead, I&amp;#039;ve tried to be the best friend I can to Kelly \u2014 supportive, understanding, there for her when she needs me \u2014 and to let her know that while my loyalty is divided, my affection and sympathy for her are wholehearted. *Apart from experts and authors quoted, real names and locations have been changed. Next:  Trap #2: She shares too many intimate details Because infidelity involves sex, it&amp;#039;s almost inevitable that your friend is going to go there \u2014 to share personal details about her and her husband&amp;#039;s bedroom habits. I ordinarily don&amp;#039;t shy away from talking about sex, but I once had a friend \u2014 not a close one \u2014 who divulged cringe-worthy minutiae about her private life with her cheating spouse. To this day, when I see him, I think about the fact that she said he was awkward in bed and not particularly well endowed. If I had it to do over, I&amp;#039;d ask her to keep that stuff to herself \u2014 a request that&amp;#039;s perfectly fine, experts say. &amp;quot;Everyone has a different tolerance for talking about sex, and if you feel you&amp;#039;ve reached your limit, it&amp;#039;s OK to say so,&amp;quot; says Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Westport, CT, and author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful. &amp;quot;But you want to be sensitive about how you say it. You can just say, &amp;#039;You know I love you and want to support you, but those details make me a little uncomfortable. Can we change the subject?&amp;#039; &amp;quot; Trap #3: She&amp;#039;s emotionally needy Linda Carlson of Milwaukee has a longtime friend who&amp;#039;s a doctor \u2014 she was the breadwinner in the family for 20-plus years, while her husband stayed home with their two kids. &amp;quot;She&amp;#039;s smart, interesting, and incredibly capable,&amp;quot; says Carlson, &amp;quot;but when she found out her husband had cheated on her, she fell apart. Her self-confidence vanished, and she needed constant reassurance that she was attractive and lovable.&amp;quot; Carlson offered it willingly, because she understood why her friend&amp;#039;s self-esteem had shriveled; Carlson&amp;#039;s ex-husband had cheated on her, too. &amp;quot;Infidelity is such a shocking betrayal. It makes you feel very small and worthless, so I tried to tell my friend the kinds of things I wanted to hear when I was in her shoes: that she was strong and smart and was handling the situation incredibly well.&amp;quot; When my friend Kelly reaches out for reassurance, I sometimes feel out of my depth and overwhelmed by the intensity of her emotional pain. Happily, experts say you really don&amp;#039;t have to say much. &amp;quot;The best thing you can do is listen, especially in the first few months, when her feelings are so raw and she&amp;#039;s still sort of in shock,&amp;quot; says Val Walker, a grief educator and author of The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress. &amp;quot;Just let her talk, and every once in a while say things like, &amp;#039;I&amp;#039;m so sorry,&amp;#039; and, &amp;#039;This is so hard!&amp;#039; to let her know that you hear her and feel for her. You don&amp;#039;t need to be wise or try to fix anything; you just need to show up and be empathetic.&amp;quot; Trap #4: You feel the urge to give advice Mary Casey of Buffalo, NY, wasn&amp;#039;t surprised when her friend Susan&amp;#039;s husband had an affair several years ago. &amp;quot;She took him for granted,&amp;quot; Casey recalls. &amp;quot;He had a busy, successful career, but he did all sorts of nice things for her \u2014 brought her flowers and jewelry, took her on vacations. She never appreciated it. She was always mad at him about something.&amp;quot; After the affair came to light, Casey gently suggested that Susan give her husband another chance \u2014 and be honest with herself about the role she might have played in their problems. Not long afterward, Casey gave Susan a marriage guru&amp;#039;s CD on nurturing one&amp;#039;s relationship. &amp;quot;Susan went ballistic and completely stopped talking to me,&amp;quot; says Casey. &amp;quot;I thought I could save their marriage, but in hindsight I realize it wasn&amp;#039;t my place to try.&amp;quot; Friends should indeed steer clear of the advice-giving business, says Lerner, and avoid serving as go-betweens for a feuding couple. &amp;quot;The only thing you should encourage your friend to do is take her time,&amp;quot; says Lerner. &amp;quot;At first, the wronged party often jumps to the idea of divorce, because he or she feels so deeply betrayed. But that intensity dies down eventually, and what lies underneath is deeper wisdom about the marriage and whether it can be saved or not. Your friend needs to have the time and space to grapple with the situation in her own mind so she can make the best choice possible. When other people weigh in, it can cloud her judgment. Even if she makes the wrong choice, it&amp;#039;s important that it&amp;#039;s hers and hers alone.&amp;quot; Next:  Trap #5: She doesn&amp;#039;t seem to be moving on For months after her friend Terri&amp;#039;s husband had an affair, Carla Jaspering of Scarsdale, NY, listened patiently to Terri process and reprocess the deception. But when Jaspering felt herself tiring of her wounded friend&amp;#039;s company and pulling away, she changed tactics. &amp;quot;I started calling and asking her to do fun things \u2014 see an interesting speaker, go to a play, take an art-history class,&amp;quot; says Jaspering. &amp;quot;I tried to think of things that would stimulate her mind and make her feel part of something beautiful and meaningful \u2014 or at the very least distract her.&amp;quot;  There&amp;#039;s no timetable for how long it should take someone to work through infidelity \u2014 but it probably takes longer than those of us who haven&amp;#039;t experienced it expect. &amp;quot;There&amp;#039;s unspeakable pain surrounding sexual betrayal,&amp;quot; says Lerner. &amp;quot;If you haven&amp;#039;t been there, you really can&amp;#039;t imagine it. Your friend is going to feel crazy and disoriented and obsessed by all the details. She&amp;#039;ll want to talk about the same things over and over. That&amp;#039;s one way people come to grips with something so shocking. It can be hard, but if it&amp;#039;s a close friend, hang in and let her sound like a broken record.&amp;quot; Distraction can be a balm if people are ready to shift gears \u2014 Terri told Jaspering that Jaspering&amp;#039;s effort was one of the keys to her recovery \u2014 but some betrayed women get stuck and need more help than a friend can give. If it&amp;#039;s been weeks, even months, and your friend still can&amp;#039;t talk about anything but her situation for more than five minutes, suggest that she seek professional help. &amp;quot;Say something like, &amp;#039;I hear how hard this is for you, and I really wish I could do more to make you feel better. Have you thought about talking to a therapist or joining a support group? I&amp;#039;d be happy to help you find one if it seems overwhelming,&amp;#039; &amp;quot; suggests Ryan. Manette, who now runs infidelity support groups, says, &amp;quot;Being around other women going through the same thing is a fantastic way to learn to cope with obsessive thoughts. Infidelity creates a different kind of grief than a death, because your spouse is still here \u2014 and he&amp;#039;s with someone else. It&amp;#039;s hard for some women to shut off the images of them together, but talking with other women who are dealing with the same thing can help.&amp;quot; Trap #6: You feel worn out If you spend too long in the emotional trenches, compassion fatigue will set in, experts say. When Carlson felt it happening with her doctor friend, she called in reinforcements. &amp;quot;A couple of her other close friends and I set up a schedule so we could rotate the responsibility of supporting her,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;It actually worked well, because she got constant attention, and we all got a break.&amp;quot; You can also set boundaries, says Walker. &amp;quot;Offer specific times when you&amp;#039;re available,&amp;quot; she suggests. &amp;quot;If you make it sound like you&amp;#039;re on tap whenever she needs you, she&amp;#039;ll probably take advantage of it \u2014 and you&amp;#039;re more likely to burn out.&amp;quot; Or you can try a technique called &amp;quot;containment,&amp;quot; says Ryan. &amp;quot;Just say, &amp;#039;I understand that this is always on your mind and you really want to talk about it, but it can also help to focus on things that are positive and happy. If you&amp;#039;re open to it, I&amp;#039;d like to practice talking about other things to take your mind off your troubles for a while.&amp;#039; &amp;quot; Then switch the conversation to movies, town gossip, or a funny anecdote. Next:   Trap #7: Her problems spill over into your marriage In the first months after James&amp;#039;s revelation, when I was immersed in his and Kelly&amp;#039;s world of pain and betrayal and it became apparent that their marriage couldn&amp;#039;t be saved, I started feeling insecure about my own. Was Sam really working late nights at the office? Was he secretly intrigued by his friend&amp;#039;s stories of steamy sex? Slightly less horrified by James&amp;#039;s behavior than he should be? Bottom line: If James could do it, why couldn&amp;#039;t Sam? &amp;quot;Everyone feels vulnerable to affairs, but it&amp;#039;s especially acute when you see it up close,&amp;quot; says Spring. &amp;quot;Friends sometimes abandon people who are dealing with infidelity. They&amp;#039;re afraid it&amp;#039;s contagious \u2014 that one partner&amp;#039;s permissiveness will rub off \u2014 but there&amp;#039;s no evidence that this actually happens.&amp;quot;  Still, you need to be conscientious about not putting all your emotional energy into helping your friend \u2014 and, above all, avoid treating your spouse with silent suspicion or concealing your doubts. &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re feeling shaky, it&amp;#039;s important to be honest with your partner,&amp;quot; says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. &amp;quot;Trust is the most powerful protection against betrayal, and one of the basic tenets of trust is allowing yourself to be vulnerable \u2014 and honest.&amp;quot;  Advice I could have used sooner. As our friends&amp;#039; situation devolved, the tension in our marriage ratcheted up. Then one day Sam left his Facebook account open on my computer. Instead of closing it out, I scrolled through his messages \u2014 just to reassure myself, I thought. There were the usual notes from work colleagues and exercise buddies. But one name jumped out at me: Heather. I remembered her. She was a hot 30-something divorc\u00E9e we&amp;#039;d met several weeks earlier at a party. I&amp;#039;d run into her in the produce aisle and mentioned it to Sam. Our conversation was still fresh in my mind. Me: &amp;quot;I saw Heather at the grocery store. She was wearing tight jeans and makeup \u2014 to buy broccoli. On the prowl, no doubt. I wonder if she&amp;#039;s dating...&amp;quot; Sam: &amp;quot;Yeah, probably. She&amp;#039;s not exactly shy about making it known that she&amp;#039;s available.&amp;quot; So why hadn&amp;#039;t he told me he&amp;#039;d heard from her? Fingers trembling, I clicked on her name to view their exchange. Her initial note \u2014 which he&amp;#039;d received a couple of weeks before \u2014 was flirty, complete with a winking emoticon. She told him about an upcoming 10K race, then challenged him to bet on a football game. &amp;quot;Loser buys the winner a beer. You on, or are you too scared???&amp;quot; she asked. Wink. His response was noncommittal, but not totally off-putting: &amp;quot;Thanks for the info on the 10K. Sounds like fun. I&amp;#039;ll see if I can find the time.&amp;quot; I was so mad, I felt as if my head was going to explode. Here we were, immersed in the scary world of infidelity, and he&amp;#039;d kept something like this a secret? That night, we had it out. I accused him of sneaking around and wondered aloud about his other &amp;quot;clandestine activities&amp;quot;; he said that I was being crazy, that he&amp;#039;d kept the Facebook exchange to himself because he&amp;#039;d known I&amp;#039;d be furious. We tossed barbs back and forth for a few minutes, then fell into a fuming silence. Eventually, he said: &amp;quot;You know I love you, and I love our family. I wouldn&amp;#039;t do anything to jeopardize that.&amp;quot; I could feel my anger dissolving into something more malleable \u2014 sadness, hurt, shame.  &amp;quot;I know,&amp;quot; I said, tearing up. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m just around the bend because of this whole Kelly-and-James thing.&amp;quot; And then I told him everything: how insecure, suspicious, and scared I had been feeling; how I worried he&amp;#039;d think infidelity looked like more fun than marriage; how I felt old and unattractive compared to the gorgeous young babes who still regularly gave him appreciative glances. Somewhere in the middle of my confession, he started hugging me, and he didn&amp;#039;t let go until I&amp;#039;d finished crying. It was painful and embarrassing, but amazingly productive. And after a few days, I realized why: because we&amp;#039;d connected. We&amp;#039;d talked; we&amp;#039;d listened; we&amp;#039;d each taken responsibility for our share of the problem. And, perhaps most important, Sam had seen through my anger and felt my pain. According to Gottman, that&amp;#039;s the secret to protecting one&amp;#039;s marriage from infidelity. &amp;quot;The most powerful way to build trust is to be there for each other, especially when one of you is sad or stressed out or angry,&amp;quot; he says. &amp;quot;When one of you expresses a deep emotion, you stop and listen, no matter what.&amp;quot; We&amp;#039;d always been pretty good at that. Not perfect, but pretty darned good. Yes, our friends&amp;#039; breakup was an emotional tsunami, and yes, it rocked our relationship. But inside that storm, our bond was still solid. The only way it could blow us off course would be if we let it. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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