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"  When the two of you vowed to love, honor and all that good stuff, you probably assumed you had each other -- and the unique way you fit together -- pretty much figured out. And you did...at the time. But just as you&amp;#039;re not exactly the same as you were, say, three or five or 12 years ago, neither is your marriage.   &amp;quot;Relationships constantly change,&amp;quot; says Paddy Welles, author of  Are You Ready for Lasting Love? &amp;quot;Couples often fear that transitions are a sign of growing apart, but they&amp;#039;re actually opportunities to get closer.&amp;quot; That is, if you know how to navigate the ever-changing terrain of your marriage. We&amp;#039;re talking things like knowing how much couple time is too much (crucial in your 20s) and remembering to tell him what a hottie he is (30-somethings -- this one&amp;#039;s for you). So consider the following pages your relationship road map.  But wait, there&amp;#039;s more. The beauty of these tips -- culled from marriage experts and happily hitched women across the country -- is that they&amp;#039;ll not only nourish your relationship now, but they&amp;#039;ll also build a strong foundation for the next stage of your coupledom so you&amp;#039;ll stay best friends, mutual heroes and lovers for life. Remember that while you two are now a &amp;quot;we,&amp;quot; you&amp;#039;re still a &amp;quot;me&amp;quot;  Of course you&amp;#039;re all giddy about being a newly minted Mr. and Mrs., but that doesn&amp;#039;t mean you have to spend every spare moment together. &amp;quot;Couples often think that they should enjoy all the same things,&amp;quot; says Suzanne Lopez, a psychotherapist and author of  Get Smart with Your Heart. &amp;quot;But you need to remember that you&amp;#039;re individuals.&amp;quot; Why that&amp;#039;s key: First, the expectation of endless togetherness can put unnecessary pressure on your marriage. Let&amp;#039;s say you&amp;#039;re feeling less-than-enthused about a bird-watching expedition you agreed to accompany your husband on. Or maybe you&amp;#039;re simply yearning for some alone time. Either of the above may make you suspect that something&amp;#039;s wrong with your relationship when all you really need is a little breathing space. Second, your unique interests are a) what attracted you lovebirds to one another in the first place and b) what will help keep those sparks flying through the years, which is why you each need to carve out time to do your own thing.  So before you schedule every activity for two, ask yourself: &amp;quot;Is this something I&amp;#039;d do even if he wasn&amp;#039;t joining me? Is this something he&amp;#039;d do without me?&amp;quot; If the answer is no (sorry, obligatory outings, such as his niece&amp;#039;s elementary school production of Oliver!, don&amp;#039;t apply), pursue your own passions that day. And just think: That evening you&amp;#039;ll have twice the experiences to bond over.  Find the one thing that always cracks him up   Interesting thing about living under the same roof as your beloved: It gives you plenty of opportunities to catch him in a funky mood -- all the more reason to learn the express route to his funny bone, says Enda Junkins, author of  Belly Laughter in Relationships. &amp;quot;Laughter is the shortest distance between two people,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Couples tend to withdraw from each other when they&amp;#039;re in a bad mood; a sense of humor counters that by offering a change in perspective and by showing you that things aren&amp;#039;t that terrible. Plus, laughter releases endorphins, chemicals that elevate your mood, so it&amp;#039;s impossible to feel down when you&amp;#039;re laughing. One easy way to get a chuckle out of him is to pick a TV show, a movie or a stand-up comic whom he finds funny, then steal a phrase from any of the above and do a mini rendition, whether it&amp;#039;s of Kenny&amp;#039;s unintelligible mumbling on South Park or of the line &amp;quot;Thank you, sir! May I have another?&amp;quot; from National Lampoon&amp;#039;s Animal House. Even if your delivery isn&amp;#039;t dead-on, your effort alone will have him grinning, says Junkins.  Or make up your own material. Jennifer Riccards, 29, of Arlington, Virginia, has found that flashing her boobs at her husband always elicits a grin from him. &amp;quot;The first time I did this, I said to him: &amp;#039;How bad can life be? You can always play with The Girls,&amp;#039;&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;It was so effective, I&amp;#039;ve been doing it ever since. It&amp;#039;s our inside joke.&amp;quot;  Perfect the gift swap   Countless Christmases, anniversaries and other gift-giving occasions lie ahead of you two. And it&amp;#039;s hard not to feel bummed out, even a tad resentful, when you&amp;#039;re presented with a car vac on your birthday. What&amp;#039;s more, during these brand-spanking-new years of your marriage, you may harbor the notion that your husband -- if he really &amp;quot;knew you&amp;quot; -- would be able to intuitively sense what you want -- but you&amp;#039;re mistaken. Look, the guy loves you, but he ain&amp;#039;t no mind reader.  So help him out. Drop some major hints weeks before the big day: While shopping or rifling through a catalog together, point out giftworthy items and say with a wink, &amp;quot;Wow, I love this! Too bad today&amp;#039;s not my birthday.&amp;quot; Or recruit a friend to pull your guy aside and say, &amp;quot;So, have you thought about what you&amp;#039;re gonna get [insert your name here] for her birthday? If not, I have the perfect idea...&amp;quot;  And what about your gifts for him? To break out of the old you&amp;#039;ll-look-so-cute-in-this-sweater routine, take a peek at what&amp;#039;s bookmarked on his computer, from the Yankees&amp;#039; home page to a movie-trivia Website, to get a better sense of what he really loves. Similarly, when the two of you wander off in your own separate directions at the mall, take note of which stores he gravitates toward. And again, never underestimate the power of friends: Ask his pals which gadgets, tools or sports equipment he&amp;#039;s been salivating over. Edit the girl talk  When you and your guy were dating, it was okay to blab away to your girlfriends about every little thing he said and did that displeased you. After all, you were still in the &amp;quot;Is he right for me?&amp;quot; stage, and your gal pals were your sounding board. But now that you&amp;#039;ve made your choice, perhaps it&amp;#039;s not all that necessary to inform your friends about how your mate couldn&amp;#039;t get it up last night. Not only is it disrespectful to him, but &amp;quot;talking about problems makes them bigger in your own mind and can put a rift in your relationship,&amp;quot; says Dennis Lowe, director of the Center for the Family at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California. Hey, no one&amp;#039;s saying that you can&amp;#039;t confide in your girlfriends (since we all need to vent sometimes); you just need to filter out the things that you think your husband would rather the world not know. Here&amp;#039;s a trick: Next time you&amp;#039;re hashing out your problems with a buddy, pretend she&amp;#039;s your husband&amp;#039;s friend, not yours. You&amp;#039;ll automatically omit the embarrassing guy-bashing details and stick to seeking advice. Set ground rules for fighting No matter how madly in love you and sweetums are, you&amp;#039;ve probably noticed that living as a couple means that little (and sometimes surprisingly big) arguments crop up over everything from whom you&amp;#039;re socializing with Saturday night to who forgot to replace the roll of toilet paper. Such troubles in newlywed paradise may leave you feeling shaky about your marriage.  But they shouldn&amp;#039;t. Every couple has disagreements, and hashing them out shows you&amp;#039;re working through problems, not avoiding them. Still, you should take these steps to make sure your spats are constructive -- not contemptuous -- now and for years to come: Ditch the declarations. Any phrase that begins with &amp;quot;You never&amp;quot; or &amp;quot;You always&amp;quot; is accusatory, often insulting and doesn&amp;#039;t offer a solution, says author Lopez, &amp;quot;so stick to voicing your needs.&amp;quot; For example, instead of saying, &amp;quot;You never wash the dishes,&amp;quot; say, &amp;quot;I could really use your help with the dishes. Create a time-out signal. Use it during a blowup, either by putting one hand perpendicular to the other in a T-shape or by softly squeezing his hand to let him know you need a break to cool down. &amp;quot;Physical contact is a gentle yet powerful way to defuse an argument,&amp;quot; says Jonathan Robinson, author of  Communication Miracles for Couples. &amp;quot;It says, &amp;#039;We may disagree, but we&amp;#039;re still on the same team.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; Don&amp;#039;t fight to win. To break the take-no-prisoners mentality of fighting, answer this question: Would you rather be right or happy? (Yep, we thought so.) This high-road approach works for Quetsy Puckett, 26, of Orlando, Florida: &amp;quot;Early on in our marriage, my husband and I would argue for hours over who was right and who was wrong, and we never got anywhere. Now I consciously try to find one grain of truth in what he&amp;#039;s saying and tell him, &amp;#039;You&amp;#039;ve got a point there.&amp;#039; Then he&amp;#039;ll usually acknowledge that I have a point, too. That gets us out of our separate trenches.&amp;quot; Get your kid plans in gear Well before you said your &amp;quot;I do&amp;#039;s,&amp;quot; you probably discussed whether you wanted to have children. But did you talk about when? &amp;quot;Young couples have usually touched on the first issue but not the second one,&amp;quot; says Lowe. &amp;quot;They just assume that as long as they both want kids, it&amp;#039;ll work out. But fighting over when to have children can be one of the most difficult challenges couples face.&amp;quot; So set a ballpark date for when you want to have a baby, even if it&amp;#039;s 10 years from now. Discuss what you&amp;#039;d both like to achieve beforehand, whether it&amp;#039;s being promoted to supervisor or getting a graduate degree. &amp;quot;Otherwise, the spouse who wants kids sooner might assume their partner&amp;#039;s not committed,&amp;quot; says Lowe, &amp;quot;when the real issue may well be that there are other goals he or she wants to accomplish first.&amp;quot; Along the same lines, now is the time to talk about how many kids you want -- and why. You may find out that your husband wants four kids because he was an only child, which made him a bit lonely and long for siblings. Or maybe he&amp;#039;s leaning toward having just one child because he grew up in a huge family with scant resources. &amp;quot;Talking through this issue will not only help you two work toward a resolution,&amp;quot; says Lowe, &amp;quot;but it will deepen your understanding of one another. Start a regular couple-time routine  This is the decade when the both of you will be booked solid with kid and career responsibilities. Which means that if there ever was a time you and your husband needed to reconnect, it&amp;#039;s now. So find a babysitter and start a monthly not-to-be-broken date -- a ritual that will help keep your bond going strong year after year. To get out of the dinner-and-a-movie rut, try, for instance, having your own one-on-one book club (which will get you talking about things besides this week&amp;#039;s potty-training travails) or pool tournament (even if you don&amp;#039;t know a cue ball from an eight ball, there&amp;#039;s something sexy about slinking around and bending over the table). Or you can each take turns planning a date, surprising each other with the night&amp;#039;s agenda. Or schedule a lavish lunch date at a high-end restaurant, many of which have afternoon prix-fixe menus that won&amp;#039;t break your bank account. &amp;quot;Meeting at a fancy restaurant in the middle of the day is especially romantic,&amp;quot; says Lisa Michaelis, 35, of Atlanta. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s as if we&amp;#039;re playing hooky from real life, which gives our date a conspiratorial aura that makes both of us feel even closer.&amp;quot; Forget about the Joneses  Your 30s are full of landmarks: owning a house, having kids, maybe taking that dream vacation you two have been saving up for. But inevitably, every now and then you&amp;#039;ll encounter one of those near-perfect couples who&amp;#039;s gotten through that checklist a little faster than you have, making you wonder, &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s wrong with my marriage?&amp;quot; To shake off that grass-is-greener mind-set, shift your focus to what you really appreciate in your relationship. Try this sappy-sounding (but highly effective) exercise: Every week write down five things you&amp;#039;re grateful for, whether it&amp;#039;s the sweet &amp;quot;I miss you&amp;quot; emails your husband sends you from work or the feeling you get just lying next to him in bed at night, laughing over Letterman&amp;#039;s opening bit. &amp;quot;A tangible thank-you list will train you to remember the positives rather than dwell on the negatives,&amp;quot; says author Robinson. Share this list with your mate so he, too, will remember not to take all the good stuff for granted. Commit random acts of kindness  In your 20s, it was easy for one of you to whisk the other off to a bed-and-breakfast for a spontaneous weekend getaway. But these days your crammed schedules are crying out for a different type of gift: the small, thoughtful kind. Try picking up his dry cleaning so it&amp;#039;s waiting for him when he gets home or ordering him a pizza when he&amp;#039;s stuck late at the office. It&amp;#039;ll take you two minutes and make his day. Simply put, it really is the little things that&amp;#039;ll always keep him remembering what an amazing woman he married. &amp;quot;One time my husband complained that his headphones had broken, so when I passed an electronics store, I bought him a new pair,&amp;quot; says Melissa Prusher, 35, of Manalapan, New Jersey. &amp;quot;He was touched: He said, &amp;#039;You take such good care of me.&amp;#039;&amp;quot; And these tiny courtesies can be contagious, says Hilary Rich, an author of  The Complete Idiot&amp;#039;s Guide to the Perfect Marriage. So don&amp;#039;t be surprised if you come home to discover that your car&amp;#039;s tune-up has been taken care of. Take an inventory of your underwear drawer  Remember the days when you actually put time and effort into picking out some sexy little bedroom number for your guy to feast his eyes on? Now that you&amp;#039;re well settled into marriage and parenthood (read: You&amp;#039;re less concerned with wowing him and more concerned with getting a decent night&amp;#039;s sleep), perhaps you&amp;#039;ve slowly been slipping into ratty-T-shirts-and-sweats territory. Look, no one&amp;#039;s saying you have to revisit that thong period you went through when you first got married; but that doesn&amp;#039;t mean you should treat the guy as if he&amp;#039;s blind.  &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s easy to let the lingerie stuff slide after marriage. But guys notice; they&amp;#039;re visual creatures,&amp;quot; says Carolyn Izzo-Feldman, 39, of Nyack, New York. &amp;quot;So one day I permanently ditched my flannel pajamas for cotton camisoles with matching underwear. They&amp;#039;re comfortable, and I&amp;#039;ve also noticed that my husband puts his arms around me much more often when he sees me in them. Let him know he&amp;#039;s a hottie  Given that few 30-somethings have the time to hit the gym as often as they used to, maybe your husband, much to his chagrin, has noticed that his six-pack abs are slowly giving way to those six-packs of brewskies. Still, it&amp;#039;s important to remind each other that you&amp;#039;re as hot as ever: &amp;quot;People who worry about their appearance may be less interested in sex and may even show less affection to their spouse, which can cause them to drift apart,&amp;quot; explains Lowe. &amp;quot;Telling your partner that he or she is still attractive gives you the confidence to stay close through the years.&amp;quot;   Michaelis can attest to that. &amp;quot;My husband&amp;#039;s career has gotten so hectic that he doesn&amp;#039;t work out as much as he&amp;#039;d like to,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;I know it bothers him, but I think he still looks fantastic and I tell him so all the time. When I do, he usually gives me a little smile and says, &amp;#039;Oh, come on. Really?&amp;#039; His reaction is small, but it&amp;#039;s easy to see he likes the compliment. These sweet words banish the feeling of &amp;#039;Yeah, I&amp;#039;m used to you&amp;#039; and keep our marriage as passionate as when we first started dating.&amp;quot; Need your own body-image boost? Resist the urge to ask, &amp;quot;Do you think I&amp;#039;m fat?&amp;quot; The reason: &amp;quot;Self-deprecating put-downs can subtly steer your husband toward thinking the very thing you fear,&amp;quot; says Lowe. Instead, use a simpler, more straightforward &amp;quot;How do I look?&amp;quot; with a big smile and an air of confidence, which will help ensure that your husband likes what he sees (and tells you so). Get yourselves hooked on a hobby for two   You know all that stuff we said about tempering your togetherness in your 20s? Well, it&amp;#039;s time for a different tack. Why that&amp;#039;s so: With your children no longer in need of supervision 24/7, you may not be sure what to do with all that extra one-on-one time you now have. &amp;quot;This is a scary time for most couples,&amp;quot; says author Lopez. &amp;quot;They&amp;#039;ve focused on everything but themselves for so long that they look at each other and think, Who are you? They need to create new shared experiences to enjoy now and in the future.&amp;quot;   Need some ideas? Make a list of 12 activities you enjoy (or would like to try) and have your partner do the same. The first thing on your list may not be something he&amp;#039;s into and vice versa. &amp;quot;But with 12 options, I&amp;#039;ve never seen a couple who doesn&amp;#039;t have an overlapping interest,&amp;quot; says author Robinson. It may not be apparent at first: Your husband may list fishing and you may list reading books. So why not rent a boat or find a scenic spot where both of you can enjoy your interests together?  Kiss more   Yes, sex drive starts to ebb with the passing years, but what you lose in wild jungle-sex passion, you can make up for in intimacy. So go beyond a quick peck and lock lips like a couple of hot-and-heavy high schoolers. Kiss him at stop signs when you&amp;#039;re in the car, at the front door (even if you&amp;#039;re both going in) or in elevators in between floors. &amp;quot;Couples often cut down on kissing once they&amp;#039;ve moved in together, because they rely more on sex to stay close,&amp;quot; says author Welles. &amp;quot;But as their libidos decrease, they need to reintroduce this affectionate gesture. Sex may say &amp;#039;I want you,&amp;#039; but kisses say &amp;#039;I love you.&amp;#039;&amp;quot;  Quit trying to change him   Remember that boyishly cute habit he had in his 20s of licking his fingers after eating something messy? Well, he&amp;#039;s been doing it ever since, and it&amp;#039;s become progressively less adorable each year. And with more couple time on your hands, you may be tempted to view spousal improvement as your new project. Not a great idea, says Lopez. &amp;quot;All that criticism may make him think you don&amp;#039;t accept him for who he is anymore,&amp;quot; she says. To drop the Pygmalion routine before it turns into a source of lifelong friction, get some perspective on the situation: Think of some of your own quirks that you know annoy your husband, such as the way you special-order every restaurant meal (&amp;quot;Can I get that without cilantro but with extra tomatoes and just a whisper of cumin?&amp;quot;). This will help you accept your guy -- flaws and all.   Celebrate...anything   You&amp;#039;ve whooped it up over countless anniversaries and Valentine&amp;#039;s Days. So imagine your husband&amp;#039;s surprise when you whip out a chilled bottle of champagne for a less predictable occasion, such as National Hug Day (January 21) or Kiss Your Mate Day (April 28). Or celebrate something more personal, such as the anniversary of your first kiss or of the first time you said &amp;quot;I love you&amp;quot; to each other. And even if you aren&amp;#039;t reveling over anything in particular, make an evening memorable by raising your glass and simply toasting your significant other -- in honor of the completion of a difficult work project, perhaps, or just the fact that you&amp;#039;re the luckiest couple on earth.   &amp;quot;Every once in a while, for no special reason, my husband and I uncork a bottle of champagne,&amp;quot; says Misty Young, 42, of Reno, Nevada. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ll lift my glass and say, &amp;#039;To the man of my every dream and desire&amp;#039;; he says, &amp;#039;To my blushing bride.&amp;#039; It feels great to hear him calling me that even though we&amp;#039;ve been married for 23 years.&amp;quot;  Indulge each other&amp;#039;s dreams   For years now, you and your guy have been working hard at your careers and to be there for your kids. But these accomplishments came at a price: They forced you to put your craziest pie-in-the-sky dreams on hold. Maybe you&amp;#039;ve always wanted to take a year off and write a novel. Maybe he&amp;#039;s always wanted to open a woodworking shop and to design furniture. Or maybe you&amp;#039;ve been practical for so long that you can&amp;#039;t even remember what you were dying to do way back when. Now&amp;#039;s your chance to rediscover -- and act on -- those desires for the future. &amp;quot;Pursuing dreams gives meaning to life, which is essential to being happy with yourself and in your relationship,&amp;quot; says Robinson. To tap into these latent wishes, ask your partner, &amp;quot;If you had $10 million, what would you do?&amp;quot;  &amp;quot;Most people who lack dreams are merely thinking about the constraints,&amp;quot; says Robinson. &amp;quot;This question removes those barriers.&amp;quot; Once you&amp;#039;ve both identified your goals, force each other to do one small thing that brings you closer to realizing them every week, such as putting aside $25 in a travel-around-the-world fund or writing one page of your memoirs. Afraid you won&amp;#039;t stick to it? Work out a &amp;quot;dream penalty,&amp;quot; where the slacker has to give his or her spouse a half-hour foot massage or buy dinner one night. &amp;quot;You&amp;#039;d be amazed how motivating this can be,&amp;quot; says Robinson. &amp;quot;And since your partner will benefit, it&amp;#039;s a win-win situation.&amp;quot; "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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