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" Hi. To the shock and dismay of my Cosmopolitan colleagues, I recently confessed that I have never watched a single episode of Sex and the City. (I&amp;#039;m still gay though, OK?) Honestly, the show and fandom that surrounds it have passed me by entirely; I pledged my allegiance to Dorothy, Rose, Blanche, and Sophia a long time back, so really, if I ever want to watch four women and their sassy sexploits (and this is the case most days, tbh), I&amp;#039;ll always pick The Golden Girls.  That said, I&amp;#039;ve heard a lot of people discussing the show. I&amp;#039;ve seen a lot of GIFs. I know that, at one point, some hot subway wind gusts up through a grate and blows Sarah Jessica Parker&amp;#039;s skirt up in a Marilyn Monroe-style moment \u2014 except she&amp;#039;s also maybe wearing granny panties (?) \u2014 even though that seems like a rather blasphemous homage to me. So with that limited understanding in mind, here&amp;#039;s what else I know/expect happens in Sex and the City episodes: 1. The show&amp;#039;s main character is called Carrie, Carrie Bradshaw. Carrie is a fashion blogger and proud member of the street style circus. (Aka she looks ridiculous most of the time.)  2. She works out of her apartment in, I believe, the West Village. Carrie is thus either also a trust fund baby or a drug mule, and so episodes probably include occasional scenes of her rolling around in money and/or baggies of cocaine. I realize this makes her character almost a picture-perfect combination of Orange is the New Black&amp;#039;s Piper and Alex, and that&amp;#039;s weird, but I&amp;#039;m OK with it. 3. She is in love with a man called Mr. Big, who has a big penis? Mr. Big doesn&amp;#039;t love her back though, because he is played by Chris Noth and doesn&amp;#039;t have a soul. 4. Even though she loves Mr. Big so very much, Carrie is constantly going on blind dates, speed dates, dates in the dark, Craigslist dates, every kind of silly date out there. She meets lots of hot guys but none of them are ~*rIGhT for her. She talks about this a lot in therapy.  5. I think she is also kooky like Jennifer Lawrence. Or at least meant to be. She falls over a lot, right? 6. And I would guess that she has a cat or five. Perhaps her favorite cat is called Thackery Binx. I would like that. 7. Her friend Samantha is played by Kim Cattrall, who I have loved since watching this wonderful film called Mannequin as a child. A sincere reluctance to see Cattrall play anyone other than a time-traveling Egyptian-lady-turned-department-store-mannequin is perhaps why I can&amp;#039;t handle SatC, but anyway. I think Samantha is British, and she has sex with everyone. All the time. Sex, sex, sex. She is the sex, and the city is New York, basically. She only stops for a cup of tea and a scone, once in a while. And even then she makes lascivious jokes about the clotted cream!  8. Her friend Charlotte is played by someone who I always confuse with the actress who plays Kristen Stewart&amp;#039;s flighty mom in the Twilight movies. Charlotte is rich, but very sad. I think she cries a lot in her walk-in closet, because she thinks the maids won&amp;#039;t hear (they hear). 9. I once arbitrarily ranked famous guys with the name Harry, and someone suggested I include Charlotte&amp;#039;s husband \u2014 because he&amp;#039;s a character called Harry, after all. With that in mind, I know (via Wikipedia) that he is short and dumpy but also a sex beast. Maybe he has sex with Samantha also? 10. Also, maybe I am making this up but I think/imagine Charlotte and Harry also try to adopt children from Africa to make up for her deep fountain of inner sorrow. Yes/no? If it&amp;#039;s not Charlotte, it&amp;#039;s Madonna.  11. I do not know the name of the friend played by Cynthia Nixon. So let&amp;#039;s call her Paula. She looks like a Paula, I think. Besides, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Paula \u2014 it has a nice ring to it. Anyway, Paula has a choppy pixie cut so she is a feisty lawyer; I&amp;#039;m sure of it. That&amp;#039;s just how TV works. In fact, I hope there are even crossovers with Law &amp;amp;amp; Order: SVU every now and then so she can try one of Mariska Hargitay&amp;#039;s cases. (I have never watched Law &amp;amp;amp; Order: SVU either, FYI.) 12. I&amp;#039;m sure these ladies have a collectively ordained gay best friend too, so he&amp;#039;ll show up and say something witty once in a while. He&amp;#039;ll work at a designer store on Fifth Avenue, naturally, and wear a lot of turtleneck sweaters. 13. Sometimes he and Samantha fight over a guy who might be a homosexual but might just be a metrosexual! LOL, remember when that was a thing, and it was awful? Yeah. Anyway, then whoever &amp;quot;claims&amp;quot; the ambiguous hottie will send the other his underwear in the mail along with a note saying, &amp;quot;Better luck next time bae, xx.&amp;quot; (I realize &amp;quot;bae&amp;quot; wasn&amp;#039;t well-known slang back then, but everyone tells me SatC was ahead of its time.) 14. Gay-friendly subplots aside, Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Paula get together all the time after work just to talk among themselves because gosh, love &amp;#039;em but sometimes the gays are too much. These get-togethers happen in the evenings even though I don&amp;#039;t think Samantha or Charlotte (too oversexed; too rich) have jobs. They hit up only the trendiest restaurants/nightspots, where they drink colorful cocktails. Cosmopolitans, maybe!   15. They all talk about difficult their lives are \u2014 #FirstWorldProblems \u2014 and it&amp;#039;s basically that scene from Mean Girls where the Plastics make up their flaws, except all. The. Time. Sometimes Samantha stops mid-sentence to give a passing guy a blow job, which she jokes is her version of an amuse bouche. 16. Then Paula always leaves the restaurant first because of her workload, except also because I think deep down she doesn&amp;#039;t like any of her friends. Paula takes a doggie bag of leftovers with her, which she eats at home while watching Judge Judy reruns and taking notes. 17. Oh, and every now and then someone (usually Carrie) thinks they&amp;#039;re pregnant. But they&amp;#039;re not. Once the pregnancy scare is over, Samantha says something about how the only thing she wants growing inside her, after all, is a penis. Or two. People laugh, but she&amp;#039;s serious. Someone help her out with a guide to double penetration tutorial, please. Nobody eats cheesecake though, ever, which is why The Golden Girls is better.  OK, that is nearly cheesecake, but not quite. It looks more like a g\u00E2teau, and that doesn&amp;#039;t cut it. Follow Alex on  Twitter. Photo credit: Hutton Archive via Getty Images "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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