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"  An adult movie company in the United Kingdom released a Downton Abbey-themed porn film yesterday. It&amp;#039;s called Down On Abby &amp;amp;#151; although it turns out this is a title that has NOTHING to do with cunnilingus, go figure. Naturally, I sent my boyfriend out to purchase a copy, because it turns out there&amp;#039;s a sex shop near his office. (Also because I was too embarrassed to go myself, to be honest.) He told me it felt like walking into a &amp;quot;basement of shame&amp;quot; and when the cashier offered him a free porn magazine, he blushed. So I had to watch it myself last night &amp;amp;#151; all two hours and twenty minutes of it &amp;amp;#151; for journalism. (I had never seen heterosexual porn before, by the way.) What I witnessed were things that were both horrifying and factually incorrect: This nonsense would never have happened at Downton Abbey or any respectable 1920&amp;#039;s British country estate &amp;amp;#151;at least not if the Dowager Countess had anything to do with it. This is the Dowager Countess when she heard about the very concept of pornography, by the way:  Down On Abby is, go figure, a film full of things that weren&amp;#039;t even invented in the 1920s. Like cumshots, for example. (Probably.) And because I desperately wanted to avoid all the vagina closeups, I found myself looking for electrical cables and cell phones in the background instead, as evidence that this wasn&amp;#039;t an authentic parody or period piece at all. Or a period fetish piece, THANK GOODNESS. Anyway, here&amp;#039;s everything I noticed that&amp;#039;s either ridiculous or out of place, along with key plot summaries so you can keep up with the sexy hijinks. I&amp;#039;m also just putting in actual Downton Abbey GIFs where a screencap from the porn would be too much to deal with, FYI. 1. The film opens with Lord Grabhem, yes that&amp;#039;s the Lord Grantham character, in his lounge at Bottomley Manor.  And this is Lord Grabhem, by the way:  He has a ridiculous porn name. When we first meet him, he is drinking sherry and also sniffing his wife&amp;#039;s shiny, lacy panties &amp;amp;#151; panties which appear to have been made from a synthetic fabric that probably didn&amp;#039;t even exist in the 1920s. Panty sniffing is something that happens often in the film, and I do not know why. 2. His butler&amp;#039;s name is Smallcock. This name is, by my estimation, not really an accurate one. Smallload, maybe. Lord Grabhem instructs Smallcock to attend to Lady Grabhem&amp;#039;s needs, except then in an illogical plot twist he just sits down and she starts blowing him! This would seem like the opposite of Smallcock&amp;#039;s orders; also Lord Grabhem is just watching and I mean, the servants aren&amp;#039;t even supposed to be seen much, let alone watched when they&amp;#039;re fucking the Lady of the house. 3. My notes on the ensuing sex scene include that &amp;quot;those gagging noises are not very noble.&amp;quot;  I also wrote that the wood panelling on the ceiling in the background seemed authentic. And a question to myself: &amp;quot;Had &amp;#039;20s scientists even discovered silicone&amp;#039;s breast-enhancing properties yet?&amp;quot; Because let&amp;#039;s just say that, if they hadn&amp;#039;t, Lady Grantham would stand out in a crowd. 4. Between thrusts, Smallcock says things like &amp;quot;thank you milady.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s extremely disturbing.   At one point he stops mid-penetration and asks if he can make some tea, which is even worse. 5. And then out of nowhere, Lord Grabhem jumps back in scene and ejaculates all over his wife&amp;#039;s face. I was very shocked.   That awful moment ends the first scene, as well as my long-standing belief that the upper classes are, you know, actually classy. #traumatized 6. The next scene introduces the titular &amp;quot;Abby,&amp;quot; who&amp;#039;s playing the Mary Crawley-type character.  We know this because she&amp;#039;s talking shit about her sister right off the bat, and Mary Crawley always had that stick up her ass about Edith. (Don&amp;#039;t worry, Abby Grabhem does not get a stick shoved her ass, because this is reasonably vanilla porn.) 7. Abby&amp;#039;s jewelry is less art deco and more Versace for H&amp;amp;M, which is a legitimate a costuming fail.  The clothes never stay on for long in porn, but the earrings do. Anyway, she&amp;#039;s busy polishing a bunch of glassware for a big dinner party at Bottomley Manor. Two strapping manservants are helping her &amp;amp;#151; Smallcock and a Master Bates, because that&amp;#039;s a character name that didn&amp;#039;t even need to be changed. They stop and all have sex and, when it&amp;#039;s his turn, Smallcock keeps slapping her face with his dick. Again, that&amp;#039;s just not an appropriate way to treat your employers. 8. More of my notes: as they fuck on a Regency-style mahogany dining chair, a single feather floats down from her white feathery fascinator and the pounding makes it undulate in the wind like that plastic bag from American Beauty. I just wanted to include this to note that I can find visual pleasure in a film even when it includes multiple moments where a man spits into a woman&amp;#039;s vagina. 9. The guy playing chauffeur Tom Brandon pops up in the next scene. He is arguably the only attractive man in the cast.  He&amp;#039;s all revved up, get it, and gets to have a threesome with a girl from the kitchens and a French maid. None of the Downton staff ever wore French maid costumes, but there&amp;#039;s actually an adult entertainment rule that someone in every porn must. So there you go. 11. Rather than go back to their servants&amp;#039; quarters, they go to one of the master bedrooms for their sexfest and mess up the sheets.  It&amp;#039;s one thing when you can call housekeeping, but it&amp;#039;s quite another when you are housekeeping. Also, Downton Abbey has told us anyone sneaking into an upstairs bedroom to get it on is not going to have fun. THEY&amp;#039;LL DIE, THOUGH.  12. There&amp;#039;s an electric lamp and its power cord clearly visible throughout this scene. Most people would be distracted by the sad girl-on-girl action, but not me.  Also, when the scene ends and chauffeur guy came everywhere, I shuddered so hard I hurt my neck. 13. Next up is a lesbian encounter between Lady Grabhem and another French maid. To be honest I fast forwarded through it because I found the motorboating distasteful, though I did notice light switches (on the far right):  This is bad BECAUSE ELECTRICITY, yuck. 14. Then there&amp;#039;s THIS GUY:  Big Bad Dave literally showed up to sniff some panties, and then he left. I have no clue what that cameo is about. 15. And then Lord and Lady Stiffie make their appearances for the dinner party scene which, thankfully, serves as the film&amp;#039;s &amp;quot;happy ending.&amp;quot; This is Lord Stiffie having his stiffie dealt with:  I spent a few minutes paranoid that I knew Lord Stiffie from somewhere in real life, but then I realized I remembered him from a British reality TV show where he competed to win the role of Joseph in a London theater&amp;#039;s production of Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. I&amp;#039;m not joking.  16. And by this point the actress playing the other Grabhem sister has a tongue stud. You can also make out the cameras and set lighting; no-one&amp;#039;s even trying anymore. Apart from with the sex, that is, because they&amp;#039;re still going at it. Meanwhile, the Dowager Countess says what we&amp;#039;re all thinking about having sex during dinner, and that&amp;#039;s as good as any note to finish on:  Follow Alex on  Twitter. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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