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"FacebookPinterest\n\nCongratulations on your college graduation! After five years of occasional projectile vomiting, you're finally ready to enter your parents' garage apartment.\n\nBut guess what We have jobs to offer every one of you! They're not ecutive-level positions, but they're pretty sweet\u201485,000 a year, your own office, a health club membership, and four weeks' paid vacation.\n\nJust kidding! Good luck at Quiznos, suckers!\n\nSeriously, gang Brace yourselves for the worst. You're entering the most competitive job market in years, and you'll be elbowing each other out for the right to toast those Triple Q Smokestack subs. Life's about to smack you in your pampered Accutane'd faces. No more sleeping in, no more playing Madden nine hours a day, and no more begging Mom and Dad for 80 you can blow on tequila shooters at Spanky's Surf Shack.\n\nOf course, we've all been there. We've all suffered through miserable first jobs, endured idiot bosses and insulting pay. So you'll want to follow our sage advice to make it out there in the marketplace.\n\n1. Never lie on your r\u00E9sum\u00E9.\n\n If your grade point average was a 2.4, don't make it a 3.6. If you were the lead singer of Creed, don't change it to the Arctic Monkeys. If you were drinking Dos Equis and playing Foosball all day, don't claim you were part owner of the Texas Rangers baseball club.\n\n2. Be careful of what you wear on the first day at work.\n\n If you show up to work in a bolo tie, just know your office nickname will be Randy Travis for the next eight years.\n\n3. Nobody likes a kiss-ass. \n\n If you really want to impress your coworkers, on your first day go up and punch the boss in the face. You may lose your job and go to jail, but if not, think of all the tail you'll get at the company Christmas party.\n\n4. There's no such thing as \"watercooler talk.\" \n\n At most major firms, all the men gather in the bathroom stalls at 1130 a.m. to give each other manicures and talk about what's happening on The L Word.\n\n5. Be wary of office softball. \n\n It's usually pretty hard-core. On our team, anyone who goes 0-for-4 is fired. Of course, we're all on steroids and human growth hormone, so that never happens.\n\n6. There's an opening for David Duchovny's publicist. \n\n Wait We have that backward. David Duchovny is interested in being your publicist.\n\n7. Whatever happens at the midlevel-ecutive corporate retreat at the Renaissance hotel stays at the midlevel-ecutive corporate retreat at the Renaissance hotel.\n\n8. Don't be afraid of a little shredding. \n\n It's the quickest way to climb up the corporate ladder. Tell anyone we said that and it's back to Quiznos.\n\n9. Never talk smack about Rupert Murdoch. \n\n In the end, he's going to own your company, too.\n\n10. You know that thing they tell you about how the IT department can read all your e-mails? \n\n It's true. And by the way, they say you're spending too much time on Natalieportmannude.org.\n\n11. Emulate those Ivy Leaguers. \n\n There's something special about those guys. Just ask them. And if you're ever in a jam on Nantucket Sound, they're handy as hell with a topsail.\n\n12. If the vice president of the company takes you quail hunting, make frickin' sure to announce yourself. \n\nGood luck, graduates. Be confident, dress to impress, and don't take that head coaching job with the Knicks. It's a dead end.\n\nSincerely,\n\n GQ\n\nP.S. Can you make that Triple Q Smokestack to go?"^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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