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" Here&amp;#039;s the thing about EL James&amp;#039;s best-selling erotic-novel-turned-global-sensation Fifty Shades of Grey: it&amp;#039;s not just badly written. Badly written by itself wouldn&amp;#039;t be worthy of a feature. James&amp;#039;s prose -\u00C2\u00A0laden as it is with earnest exclamations, weirdly placed ellipses and tone-deaf metaphors -\u00C2\u00A0is flat-out bizarre. Now that the big-screen versions of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have been cast, we felt inspired to look back on some of the book&amp;#039;s most inexplicable extracts.   &amp;quot;His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something.&amp;quot; Or something. We get what you&amp;#039;re going for, EL James. &amp;quot;And from a very tiny, underused part of my brain - probably located at the base of my medulla oblongata near where my subconscious dwells -\u00C2\u00A0comes the thought: He&amp;#039;s here to see you.&amp;quot; The core of our frontal lobe, which is the area of the brain that controls logical reasoning, is telling us that this sentence is needlessly convoluted.  &amp;quot;I feel the colour in my cheeks rising again. I must be the colour of The Communist Manifesto.&amp;quot; Definitely the first comparison that springs to our mind when we think &amp;#039;red&amp;#039;.  &amp;quot;His lips part, like he&amp;#039;s taking a sharp intake of breath, and he blinks. For a fraction of a second, he looks lost somehow, and the Earth shifts slightly on its axis, the tectonic plates sliding into a new position.&amp;quot; Not that these characters are self-centred.  &amp;quot;He smiles, then strides with renewed purpose out of the store, slinging the plastic bag over his shoulder, leaving me a quivering mass of raging female hormones.&amp;quot; Technically one of the main hormones associated with sex drive is testosterone, which is a male hormone. That bit of biochemical know-how is brought to you straight from our medulla oblongata.  &amp;quot;I can almost hear his sphinx-like smile through the phone.&amp;quot; Ah, yes. Those infamously smiley sphinxes.  &amp;quot;Holy crap! He&amp;#039;s wearing a white shirt, open at the collar, and tray flannel pants that hang from his hips.&amp;quot; Holy crap! This is a running theme, by the way -\u00C2\u00A0Christian Grey doesn&amp;#039;t just wear clothes. Clothes hang from him.  &amp;quot;His tone is so... so directorial, his usual control freak. I imagine him as an old-time movie director wearing jodhpurs, holding an old-fashioned megaphone and a riding crop. The image makes me laugh out loud.&amp;quot; We&amp;#039;re... not sure what to do with this one.  &amp;quot;The orange juice tastes divine. It&amp;#039;s thirst-quenching and refreshing.&amp;quot; Fifty Shades of Tropicana!  &amp;quot;Oh my\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 sweat and body wash and Christian. It&amp;#039;s a heady cocktail - so much better than a margarita, and now I can speak from experience.&amp;quot; Grim.  &amp;quot;I flush at the waywardness of my subconscious - she&amp;#039;s doing her happy dance in a bright red hula skirt at the thought of being his.&amp;quot; Yeah, this happens a lot. Ana has a really loud and obnoxious subconscious that&amp;#039;s always doing dance moves in her head. We&amp;#039;re not clear on whether she&amp;#039;s actually supposed to be mentally unwell.  &amp;quot;My very small inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba.&amp;quot; She also has a really loud and obnoxious inner goddess who&amp;#039;s always doing dance moves. It&amp;#039;s basically an embodiment of her sex drive and/or her vagina, we think. Again, we&amp;#039;re unclear.  Photo gallery - Dakota Johnson in pictures:  &amp;quot;I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.&amp;quot;  There she goes again.  &amp;quot;I eye Christian&amp;#039;s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth. Hmm\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6&amp;quot; Hmmm... toothbrush porn... &amp;quot;What&amp;#039;s wrong? What did that creepy good-looking bastard do?&amp;quot; Never say these characters don&amp;#039;t have a way with words.  &amp;quot;My stomach somersaults - he wants me\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky man wants me.&amp;quot; Because they do.  &amp;quot;He steps out of his Converse shoes and reaches down and takes his socks off individually. Christian Grey&amp;#039;s feet \u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 wow\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 what is it about naked feet?&amp;quot; This. Is. Hot.  &amp;quot;Now I know what all the fuss is about. Two orgasms\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 coming apart at the seams, like the spin cycle on a washing machine, wow.&amp;quot; Exactly like the spin cycle on a washing machine. Exactly like that.  &amp;quot;Amy Studt is singing in my ear about misfits. This song used to mean so much to me; that&amp;#039;s because I&amp;#039;m a misfit. I have never fitted in anywhere.&amp;quot; It&amp;#039;s good that she clarified this, because initially the significance of the song was unclear. &amp;quot;Look at me,&amp;quot; he breathes, and I stare up into his smouldering grey gaze. It is his Dom gaze - cold, hard and sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look.&amp;quot; When in doubt, add more adjectives.  &amp;quot;Hmmm\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 he&amp;#039;s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty.&amp;quot; Om nom nom? &amp;quot;Holy crap\u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 just-f**ked pigtails do not suit me, either.&amp;quot; They are undoubtedly a tough look to pull off. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake \u00E2\u20AC\u00A6 and he knows exactly what he&amp;#039;s doing to me.&amp;quot; This is one of many passages that reads like James forgot to go back and edit out her first draft notes. It&amp;#039;s also mixing metaphors to an extent that&amp;#039;s almost impressive, since &amp;quot;a moth to a flame&amp;quot; has literally nothing to do with &amp;quot;a deer in headlights&amp;quot;. We&amp;#039;re not even sure what the bird/snake part is about. Watch the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey below:  "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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