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"When my client Margaret called me, she was in a state of total frustration.\nShe was a hard working, positive-minded, let\u2019s-get-it-done kind of employee, and had never had performance issues in her career. But after long-term success in a job she loved, she\u2019d just been assigned a new manager who was unlike any other: He gave her the silent treatment, iced her out of conversations, and, overall, was a bit of a bully.\nAs a result, Margaret, a positively positive and highly effective employee, had turned into a rattled bunch of nerves. She dreaded every interaction with this manager, fearing that in sheer frustration, she\u2019d eventually blurt out \u201CI quit!\u201D without having any kind of backup plan. She wanted to make it work \u2014 it was a great job with a wonderful community of colleagues \u2014 but she had no idea how she could.\nPerhaps, like Margaret, you\u2019ve thought that if you put your nose to the grindstone, do good work, and have a can-do attitude, your career will be smooth sailing. The problem is, many other factors have an impact on your career, too \u2014 including the people around you and your relationships with them. And when those people turn into stonewall managers and abrasive colleagues, you\u2019ll need more than a good work ethic and positive attitude to effectively deal with them.\nIn short, I told Margaret, \u201CYou can\u2019t \u2018positive think\u2019 your way out of this situation. You need something more.\u201D\nThat\u2019s why I encourage all professionals to develop one extremely important skill as early in their careers as possible: self-advocacy. This ability to assert what you need (even if that means having difficult and potentially awkward conversations) can be rewarding and confidence-building \u2014 and it plays a major part in ensuring that you get what you need to move your career forward.\nBut, as you can probably guess, it\u2019s not always easy. Read on to learn why this skill is so beneficial and some ways to start developing it in your own career. \nWhy you must learn to advocate for yourself\nMargaret\u2019s manager probably didn\u2019t know how miserable she was \u2014 because she never brought it up. You see, managers and other authority figures will generally presume everything is OK unless you let them know otherwise. For others to become aware that their behavior is unacceptable or that your needs aren\u2019t being met, you need to tell them. Otherwise, you simply reinforce their behavior.\nWhen you embrace the practice of having these difficult conversations, you\u2019ll be able to open up about what you need. Instead of backing off in fear, you\u2019ll learn to handle tough problems while treating people with dignity and respect. \nWhy it's so hard\nNo matter how long you\u2019ve been in the professional world, you\u2019ve probably seen ample opportunities for difficult conversations. The overbearing boss. The colleague who never meets a deadline. The client who insists on getting more than what was agreed upon in the contract. As much as you\u2019d love to gloss over those issues, you know it\u2019s in the best interest of your career to advocate for yourself and confront the situation head-on.\nAt the same time, no one relishes the idea of having a difficult conversation; you worry about what you\u2019re going to say, how you\u2019ll be perceived, and what the final outcome of the confrontation will be. In short, something\u2019s at risk, opinions vary, and emotions are a big factor.\nIf that\u2019s not enough, Roy Lubit, MD, PhD, a forensic psychiatrist based in New York, observes, \u201CSomehow, we are supposed to be experts on dealing with other people and with our own emotions even though these issues were never formally addressed in our education and training.\u201D\nThink about it: When do we ever really learn the complex nuances of having difficult conversations and dealing with delicate situations in the workplace? (Hint: Usually, we don\u2019t.)\nHow to start\nThe good news is, with some simple steps and practice, you can get much more comfortable with the idea of speaking up for yourself. Here are the basic steps I taught Margaret about having a conversation with her manager, and how you can apply them to your situation, as well:\n\nRemember that advocating for yourself means being assertive, not aggressive. You can start the process by calling a meeting with the person in question. In Margaret\u2019s case, she made a simple request to her boss: \u201CTanner, I\u2019d like to get some time on your calendar to discuss how we\u2019re working together. What would be a good time for you?\u201D When you\u2019re sharing what you need in a difficult conversation, stay calm, focused, and unemotional throughout the meeting. You\u2019ll want to focus the conversation on what you need, rather than casting blame or criticizing others.\nTo start, identify the facts and impact of the situation and summarize them in a few succinct statements. For example, \u201CI\u2019m not always made aware of decisions or commitments made in staff meetings. Since I need that information to design solutions for my customers, that puts me at risk of not meeting customer needs\u2014and an adverse rating from customers could really hurt the department.\u201D\nThen, identify specifically what you need to happen to address that situation: \u201CI really need the information about programs and pricing that\u2019s covered in the staff meetings.\u201D (If there are multiple issues, prioritize a list of the most important, and start at the top.)\nTo ensure that your requests are understood, finish the conversation with questions like, \u201CBased on the current situation and what we need to do to be successful, what can we do to make this happen?\u201D This will engage the other party and help problem solve, rather than block conversation with objections.\n\nIf you try these basics and find that nothing has changed, it\u2019s worth checking to see if your HR or training team offers courses focused on navigating difficult conversations. If not, check out online or local community college courses that can get you on the right track.\nWhen you confidently put your needs and views forward, people will listen. And no matter what happens because of that difficult conversation, you\u2019ll know you\u2019ve made your best effort to resolve a difficult and frustrating situation, and you\u2019ll have a much clearer idea of how to move forward."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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