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" You thought diapers and sleepless nights were bad? Compared to the teen years, babyhood was a walk in the park. Teenagers go through some pretty intense physical, emotional and intellectual changes\u2014and your parenting style has to change with them. Here&amp;#039;s what you need to do to make it through (almost) unscathed.   1. Be a Parent, Not a Pal Forget trying to be a BFF. It&amp;#039;s not what kids want or need. &amp;quot;Teens I counsel tell me over and over that they don&amp;#039;t want to be buddies with their parents,&amp;quot; says family therapist Carleton Kendrick, EdM, author of Take Out Your Nose Ring, Honey, We&amp;#039;re Going to Grandma&amp;#039;s. Of course you want to feel close. But being a pal is not the way to build that bond. &amp;quot;Parents will say, &amp;#039;You can tell me anything and I won&amp;#039;t punish you,&amp;#039; then they&amp;#039;re stuck if their child tells them he&amp;#039;s doing something that&amp;#039;s dangerous,&amp;quot; says psychologist Michael Bradley, EdD, author of When Things Get Crazy with Your Teen: The Why, the How, and What to Do NOW! The truth is, most kids are going to experiment in a variety of ways. Blame it on biology: A teen&amp;#039;s prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls decision-making, is still under construction, while the part that drives impulsivity is in overdrive, explains Jay Giedd, MD, chief of brain imaging at the child psychiatry branch of the National Institute of Mental Health. Simply put, it&amp;#039;s harder for teens to make good choices. So you have to do the work of the prefrontal cortex for them, says Dr. Giedd. &amp;quot;Be clear about your values, ethics and morals from the get-go,&amp;quot; says Dr. Kendrick. And expect some pushback. Take alcohol\u2014a temptation that most kids will face at some point. Institute a zero-tolerance policy by telling your teen, I expect you not to drink until you&amp;#039;re 21. If you do, you&amp;#039;ll lose freedoms like going out with your friends until you&amp;#039;re able to make better decisions. This links more autonomy with more responsibility. He may shrug it off and say &amp;quot;Whatever.&amp;quot; But be consistent with your rules and make good on consequences (positive and negative), and he&amp;#039;ll get the message: You&amp;#039;re his mom, not his bud\u2014what you say goes. (Photo by iStockphoto.) 2. Get Tech-Savvy to Stay Connected Texting? Tweeting? Facebook? You&amp;#039;ve got better things to do with your time, right? Wrong. If your teens are into it (and you know they are!), you should be too\u2014not only to keep tabs on their digital doings, but to stay connected to them as well. &amp;quot;When we provided a group of 14-year-olds with Black-Berrys, we were struck by how often they used them to communicate with their parents at work,&amp;quot; says Marion K. Underwood, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Dallas, who studies the content of teens&amp;#039; electronic communication. Encourage the same connection with your teen by texting him short, funny messages during the day as a low-key way to stay in contact. And if he&amp;#039;s on Facebook, join the site yourself and &amp;quot;friend&amp;quot; him. That&amp;#039;s what Gale Sterling of McLean, Virginia, did with her 15-year-old daughter. &amp;quot;Samantha begged us for months to let her join Facebook, and when we did, we required her to give us her sign-in name and password, and I joined too,&amp;quot; says Gale. &amp;quot;I look at what her friends are posting on her wall and the kinds of pictures she&amp;#039;s putting up, and thankfully, it&amp;#039;s very tame.&amp;quot;  3. Throw Your Own (Good) Taste Out the Window When Melissa Person&amp;#039;s son, Robert, 13, asked if he could bleach his hair, she was mortified. But the Merrick, New York, mom tried to see it for what it was\u2014part of being an adolescent. Not only did she allow it, she bleached his hair herself. Did Melissa do the right thing? Dr. Bradley thinks so. Trying out different hairstyles, clothes, pals, music is all a quest to figure out who he is. &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s critical stuff in adolescence that you don&amp;#039;t want to mess with,&amp;quot; says Dr. Bradley. As long as your child is doing OK otherwise\u2014getting decent grades, following rules\u2014suck it up and be supportive. (Unless your daughter wants to wear provocative clothing; in that case, say no.) Use your differences as conversation starters. Instead of scoffing at your kid&amp;#039;s music, say, &amp;quot;Wow, that&amp;#039;s different!&amp;quot; (and get the sarcasm out of your voice!). Ask him to explain what he likes about it. &amp;quot;If you&amp;#039;re able to stay cool as you see these scary things parade in front of you, your teen&amp;#039;s identity exploration will usually stay low-level, low-risk and short-term,&amp;quot; says Dr. Bradley. (Photo by ShutterStock.) 4. Develop a Thick Skin When Cheryl Breitbart&amp;#039;s son Alex was little, he hugged and kissed her all the time. &amp;quot;But he morphed into a different kid,&amp;quot; she says. &amp;quot;Now, at 15, he wants nothing to do with me.&amp;quot; While it&amp;#039;s frustrating, she tries not to take it personally. &amp;quot;My daughter did the same thing at his age,&amp;quot; says Cheryl, who lives in Ridgewood, New Jersey. As Cheryl learned, this too shall pass. Until then, try to remember that it&amp;#039;s not you, it&amp;#039;s them. &amp;quot;Your very existence belies your teen&amp;#039;s need for independence,&amp;quot; says Maria Schmidt, PhD, assistant professor of human development and family studies at Indiana University in Bloomington. Her friends are what matter most right now, so she&amp;#039;ll shut you out to maintain her social status (though deep down, she still needs you). To make matters worse, you&amp;#039;ll get the brunt of her adolescent angst. &amp;quot;I compare it to the toddler years,&amp;quot; says Dr. Schmidt. &amp;quot;She may be taller and have a better vocabulary, but she&amp;#039;s going through the same thing.&amp;quot; What to do? Treat your teen&amp;#039;s tantrums the same as you did when she was a toddler, recommends Dr. Schmidt. Let her know you&amp;#039;re there for her (&amp;quot;I&amp;#039;ve got a hug whenever you want&amp;quot;), and keep your distance. 5. Know How to Go Zen If your teen breaks curfew and you meet her at the door ranting, what do you think she&amp;#039;s going to focus on\u2014the fact that she&amp;#039;s late or that you&amp;#039;re screaming like a lunatic? &amp;quot;Instead of losing your cool, take a deep breath and tell her you&amp;#039;re glad she&amp;#039;s home safe,&amp;quot; advises Dr. Schmidt. &amp;quot;Let her know you&amp;#039;re disappointed that she broke the rules, and ask what she can do differently so it won&amp;#039;t happen again.&amp;quot; She lost track of time? She can set the alarm on her cell phone. Her friend&amp;#039;s mom was late picking them up from the party? Next time she calls to let you know. What about grounding her? &amp;quot;A random punishment that bears no relationship to the offense won&amp;#039;t mean much,&amp;quot; cautions Dr. Schmidt. Instead, consequences should be time-limited and task-oriented. In other words, the penalty should help your teen learn to alter her behavior so she won&amp;#039;t repeat the crime. For instance, set her curfew an hour earlier than usual until she proves that she can get home on time. This puts the ball in her court.  6. Know When to Snoop (or Scram) As a rule, it&amp;#039;s best to stay out of your child&amp;#039;s stuff. If he finds out that you invaded his privacy, the focus won&amp;#039;t be on what you discovered, but how you discovered it, and that will only make risk-taking look more appealing, explains Dr. Bradley. If you suspect something, talk should be your first line of defense. &amp;quot;Your teen may deny anything&amp;#039;s wrong, but you&amp;#039;ve let him know that you care and are worried,&amp;quot; says Dr. Bradley. Wait awhile to see if things change, or if your child comes to you voluntarily. If you continue to feel uncomfortable, go ahead and poke around. &amp;quot;For the safety of your child, it may be worth the breach,&amp;quot; says Dr. Schmidt. That&amp;#039;s why Judith Rohatiner of Miami went through her 14-yearold daughter&amp;#039;s drawers. &amp;quot;Layla started asking me questions she&amp;#039;d never asked before, like, &amp;#039;Can you get pregnant if you don&amp;#039;t put it in?&amp;#039;&amp;quot; says Judith, who immediately saw red flags. When she found condoms hidden in a sock in Layla&amp;#039;s drawer, she confronted her daughter. &amp;quot;She hadn&amp;#039;t had intercourse yet, but she&amp;#039;d come close,&amp;quot; says Judith, who then had a long talk with her daughter about sex. Luckily, Layla realized she wasn&amp;#039;t ready. &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m glad I snooped and I&amp;#039;ll do it again if it means keeping my daughter safe,&amp;quot; says Judith. (Photo by ShutterStock.) 7. Don&amp;#039;t Think &amp;quot;He&amp;#039;d Never Do That!&amp;quot; Many parents look at their kids and see perfect angels. Reality check! No matter what your values or how great your teens, chances are they&amp;#039;ve done something you&amp;#039;re not going to like. The statistics say it all: One in five teens admits to &amp;quot;sexting&amp;quot; (sending sexually explicit pictures of him or herself via cell phone), three-quarters of 12th graders say they&amp;#039;ve consumed alcohol, and more than 40 percent of kids ages 15 to 17 admit to having had oral sex. Yet many moms and dads are in denial. &amp;quot;Parents who think &amp;#039;our child would never&amp;#039; end up seeing what they want to see, rather than what they need to see,&amp;quot; says Dr. Bradley. So stop playing defense and start playing offense, because, as you now know, your teen&amp;#039;s brain will often push him in the wrong direction. Sit him down and get into the serious issues, no matter how nerve-racking it is for you. Contrary to what you may fear, discussing it won&amp;#039;t make it happen. &amp;quot;There&amp;#039;s no evidence that talking about sex or drugs will make teenagers have sex or do drugs,&amp;quot; assures Alexandra Barzvi, PhD, an assistant clinical professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. In fact, the contrary is true: The more talks you two have, the stronger your emotional tie\u2014 and that, according to the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health, is your teen&amp;#039;s best protection against risky behavior. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a1305/7-sanity-savers-for-parents-of-teens-102975/>