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"FacebookPinterest\n\nLet's go back to the bad old days, Conan. What was going through your head?\n\n When I got the Late Night job, I wasn't interested in being humiliated in front of the whole country. It's not cool to say this, but I've worked my ass off since I was a kid. I wanted to get somewhere. During those early days, I kept thinking, If I can get enough time, I will thrive. I felt like I was battling Lex Luthor, and I knew I was going to have superpowers\u2014I just didn't have them yet.\n\nWas there an all-time shittiest day?\n\n There were probably thirty-five really shitty days. The Friday we didn't hear about getting picked up was one; all that weekend, we thought we might be canceled. There were days we couldn't fill the studio; the back rows were empty.\n\nYou didn't send staffers to fill in?\n\n We put interns in, but we didn't have enough. And we weren't getting great guests. So on top of all the other troubles, I'm saying, \"Hold on to your hats. Here comes Chris Roker, Al Roker's brother!\"\n\nName a guest you've always wanted to have.\n\n Woody Allen. Nixon, too; he died about six months after I started. I think to avoid doing my show.\n\nWell, it has been rumored...\n\n Yeah, he took his life. Just after our booker called him, there was a muffled shot. He was sad that Chevy went off the air first. He never got over it.\n\nSo what makes for good comedy?\n\n Anything that breeds insecurity. That's why I intentionally had bad skin and a weak body growing up. In reality, I'm quite striking, but I did everything I could to make sure that I was insecure so I could be funnier.\n\nDid you watch Johnny Carson as a kid?\n\n Oh yeah. My dad loved Johnny, so I watched with him. We loved it when his jokes would bomb and he'd play around with that space.\n\nDon't you think TV is a positive socializing force for kids?\n\n Well, I'm having a kid in October, and I've talked with my wife about limiting TV. And I thought if I didn't have TV, I would have been screwed; that's where I learned how to be funny.\n\nWho did you learn from?\n\n Peter Sellers\u2014I love the confident idiot. Bob Hope\u2014his whole persona of growling at women. From Johnny I learned when to shut up. For instance, we had a sex therapist on, and she strapped on a giant chin dildo and the place went crazy\u2014and all I'm doing is staring. Now, yes, I knew that a chin dildo was on the way, and\u2014\n\nI'm sure that wasn't the first time you knew a chin dildo was on the way.\n\n Well, that's another story. That implicates Bill Maher and everyone that worked at that hotel. But, you know, people want to see my reaction. Sometimes you laugh because you know what's coming.\n\nThe anticipation.\n\n It's almost sexual.\n\nRight. Can I open the door now?\n\n No. I'd like to dim the lights, if that's all right, and apply these ointments.\n\nYou're about to become a dad.\n\n Right.\n\nNervous?\n\n I'd be crazy not to be. The chromosomes for doing a late-night talk show probably share space with the gene for self-absorption. Will my kid write a tell-all, Late Night with Conan\u2014the Bastard.\n\nLate Nights: I Never Saw Him.\n\n Yeah, My No Nights with Conan O'Brien. And if my kid is stupid enough to go with that title...\n\nHe deserves what's coming to him.\n\n Being a parent scares the shit out of me. But I've learned from the show that when something scares the shit out of you, do it.\n\nDo you have any nightmares?\n\n I have a dream where the show's going horribly and I wake up and I have tears of blood and I'm screaming, \"Die, damn you, die.\" But I don't know what it means.\n\nI'm not a doctor, so I can't help you with that.\n\n I have a handgun. I want you to know that. It's in the office.\n\nThat's cool. Whatever you say, man. I, uh...mind if I leave?\n\n You're not going anywhere. Sometimes I have a dream where my penis is stolen.\n\n That doesn't mean a thing.\n\n I hope not.\n\nUnless you've identified the thief.\n\n It's Letterman. He steals my penis and says, \"You'll never make it, kid,\" and laughs. But I don't know what that means.\n\nWe've heard about Letterman through the years\u2014the self-loathing. There's none of that with you, though.\n\n How do you know? I am very impatient when things aren't funny enough. I can be bitingly nasty and neurotic. I've got a wicked temper. And when I'm on the air, I just look like I'm having the time of my life. And I am\u2014in that moment. But to get to that moment, I have to be a miserable prick. After the show, I revert to being a sweet person.\n\nDo you have any superstitions you go through before you go on each night?\n\n I cross myself. I defy anybody who was raised Catholic not to cross himself before he does something scary. One reason I like doing this show is that it's my worst nightmare. I'm a control freak, and the most important thing to me is to be thought of as funny. So why in the world would I go out for an hour every night and try to be funny with very little control? It's an absolute nightmare, but that's the attraction.\n\nWhen did you figure this out?\n\n I realized that comedians that I admire, like Steve Martin or Woody Allen, are shy people who force themselves to do the thing that's probably the most frightening. Why? Because that's what we do. Or something. In my case, to compensate for a giant penis. I know people usually think guys compensate for a small penis, but I'm trying to compensate for a giant penis. When the penis is too big, you compensate as though it were small. That's what my doctor says.\n\nSo because your penis is so huge, when you get an erection do you pass out from a loss of blood to the rest of your body?\n\n People around me pass out. Blood banks empty. Scary stuff.... But look, anyone who's taken a Psych 1 course could watch me and say, \"There's an angry guy.\" I'm generally a happy person, but I can tap into huge stores of anger.\n\nDoes therapy help?\n\n I went into therapy when I was at Saturday Night Live, because I was feeling like I was running on empty. That was creating anger. I got therapy and have had a lot of it since. I'm still driving a Ford Taurus, but I could have had nine sports cars with all the money I've spent on therapy.\n\nDo you, Letterman and Leno share groupies?\n\n I wish. I've sent mine, but they never send any back.\n\nLast question: How does it all end?\n\n I remember telling my dad when the show started doing well, \"The tricky thing will be the dismount.\" I've done this long enough where I've made myself unsuitable for anything else. I've lived on this crazy planet called Late Night Television for so long that my lungs have adapted, my heart has adapted. I've become one of those weird fish that live at the bottom of the sea for so many generations that my eyes have atrophied. I can't live on your surface world. I am worried about how this ends. I try not to think about it. Maybe that's what having a kid is all about. I'm waiting for this kid to tell me, \"Dad, it's time you got your real estate license.\" I know one thing: I have a tenth-anniversary show in prime time, and no matter what happens, I'll be able to slide that into a VCR and enjoy it. Or way in the future, eat it in pill form and then say, \"Mmm, good episode.\" [in the voice of a kid] \"Grandpa! No! That was a death pill you just took!\" Maybe that's how it all ends.\n\nmichael hainey is gq's deputy editor. He also has dreams about his penis being stolen."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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