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"  1. Exotic Location of the Week New Zealand.    &amp;quot;Bitches love waterfalls!&amp;quot; (We do.) &amp;quot;They&amp;#039;ll totally forget about how disgusting Juan Pablo was last week!&amp;quot; (we won&amp;#039;t) cheered the producers, and a single tear fell down Chris Harrison&amp;#039;s cheek like that Native American man PSA.   2. Contestant Who Most Frequently Accidentally Alludes To A Terrible Time In World History Clare&amp;#039;s face is still pinched with sadness. (Is it sadness?) &amp;quot;Last week in Vietnam, everything blew up in my face.&amp;quot; Just to clarify, she means that time Juan Pablo was a dick to her after they had sex swam in the ocean, not the horrific and retrospectively unnecessary war depicted in the second act of Forrest Gump. I think.   3. The Seven Things Nobody Ever Says If They&amp;#039;re Not On The Bachelor &amp;quot;I have a guard up.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m so vulnerable.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m here for the right reasons.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;It&amp;#039;s amazeen.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;It was crazy to feel the heat of the earth.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;A geyser ruined our dinner.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;Hobbiton is fucking cool.&amp;quot;   4. The Most Common Thing People Say On The Bachelor &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m really glad I&amp;#039;m here,&amp;quot; the contestants say, over and over. Because we need to hear that. Because it seems horrible.   5. Moment That Would Have Benefited Most From A Sweeping Score The scene where Juan Pablo and Andi are derping on down the river is strangely sans music. It&amp;#039;s very uncomfortable, which is probably how these people truly are around each other, and we&amp;#039;re just tricked by the epic music and crazy sweeping shots. I guess the sound designer was grabbing a Sprite right then or something.   6. Worst &amp;quot;Date&amp;quot; Of The Episode You know what is incredibly romantic? Reenacting 127 Hours by squeezing through a series of craggy, scary rocks that are basically the asscrack of New Zealand.    They are so narrow and hideously claustrophobia-inducing that Juan Pablo can barely fit his giant pecs through. &amp;quot;It feels good to be taken care of,&amp;quot; says Andi, when he helps her not die in the rock asscrack. Shh, Andi.   7. Most Egregious Lie Andi: &amp;quot;This is by far the most romantic date I&amp;#039;ve ever been on.&amp;quot; Yeah, making out with a man you barely know on a reality show that puts you in harem and degrades you every week, with some gaffer who keeps snapping his gum as he shoves a boom mic above your heads is pretty much Casablanca.   8. Most Likely To Conceive In This Bizarre Waterball All of them.   Look at this birthing metaphor!   9. The Lamest Location During a Bachelor Season HOBBITON. Look, I know some people love The Hobbit. I am not one of them. It bores me to tears. It was difficult to figure out if their enthusiasm for Hobbiton was fake, which I&amp;#039;d imagine it generally is for most things when the camera&amp;#039;s rolling. &amp;quot;OMG! AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER?! I AM LITERALLY LOSING IT RIGHT NOW ABOUT THIS AIRCRAFT CARRIER!!!&amp;quot;    10. Most Go-To Makeout Move Of Juan Pablo&amp;#039;s Pushing the hair behind the ears.   11. The First To Say &amp;quot;I&amp;#039;m Falling For You&amp;quot; Nikki. Can&amp;#039;t you come up with something more original by now? Like &amp;quot;I want to silently fart in bed next to you for the rest of my life?&amp;quot;   12. The First To Call Juan Pablo Out On Being A Makeout Slut Sharleen, after Juan Pablo basically tells her to stop talking about her thoughts and feelings and just suck face with him. S: &amp;quot;You cut right to the chase, don&amp;#039;t you?&amp;quot; JP: [blank] &amp;quot;What does that means?&amp;quot;   It&amp;#039;s funny because he thinks she&amp;#039;s insecure and &amp;quot;thinks too much&amp;quot; but actually she&amp;#039;s just not really into it.   13. Worst Day To Send A Girl Home  It is Cassandra&amp;#039;s 22nd birthday (BRB GOTTA GO CRAWL IN A HOLE) and Juan Pablo chooses this day to send her home before the rose ceremony. He simply wasn&amp;#039;t feeling it, and didn&amp;#039;t want her to spend any more time away from her son. Once again: Cassandra just turned 22. That girl&amp;#039;s gonna be juuuuust fine.    14. Most Non-Apology Apology Clare and Juan Pablo sit on the beach and have a wrenching follow-up to last week&amp;#039;s slut-shaming bonanza. He basically says exactly what he said then: &amp;quot;I didn&amp;#039;t want to  have sex with swim with you, but you wanted to so badly that I didn&amp;#039;t want to hurt your feelings!&amp;quot; Fuck yourself. Once again, he pulls the arbitrary Daughter Card, adding that he &amp;quot;has never dated, kissed, slept over with&amp;quot; a woman in front of Camila. Okay: I assume, if good parenting is going on, Camila is not watching the show, and therefore saw no ocean sex.   &amp;quot;Juan Pablo apologized for hurting me,&amp;quot; Clare says, seemingly satisfied. No. No, he most certainly did not. Crazy eyes alert:    15. Second Most Egregious Lie Juan Pablo: &amp;quot;My mind is going 10 miles an hour.&amp;quot; Hahaha. His brain goes 3 miles an hour, tops.   16. Worst Banter Juan Pablo and Nikki: &amp;quot;I like pink.&amp;quot; &amp;quot;I like you.&amp;quot; A moment later: &amp;quot;How much is very good?&amp;quot; &amp;quot;More than good.&amp;quot; I\u2026 I think I just forgot how to do math.   17. Most Likely To Have Been Journaling I&amp;#039;d have said Sharleen, but turns out it&amp;#039;s Kat. Juan Pablo did say that nothing was sexier than a woman talking about her kid, right? Does that apply to a woman talking about her drunk father? Apparently not, it turns out. Bye, Kat!    18. Least Likely To Know What Journaling Means  Juan Pablo. After that, probs Chelsie.   20. Most Likely Final Three Juan Pablo is a fake baby-talking piece of shit with most of the women, but with Andi, he actually laughs. I&amp;#039;d throw Sharleen in there, but judging from next week, she might peace if her opera career has gotten sufficient celebrity buzz it continues to feel &amp;quot;inorganic.&amp;quot; Finally, I think possibly Clare, even if she should stick that rose right in his eye.   Eliminated: Kat and Cassandra.   Previously: 15 Completely Bizarre Moments From The Bachelor: Week 5 16 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 4 13 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 3 14 Insane Moments From The Bachelor: Week 2 11 Insane Moments From The Bachelor Premiere The Bachelor: Countdown To Juan Pablo Recap   Follow Anna on Twitter.   Photo Credit: ABC "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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