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"FacebookPinterest\n\nMahmoud, Mahmoud, Mahmoud. What are we going to do with you We can't figure out if you're just a totally bonkers world leader we should ignore or a totally bonkers world leader we actually need to pay attention to because one of these days you're going to wind up with a Prada bag full of enriched uranium.\n\nYou're just full of stupid, dangerous ideas. You think the Holocaust never happened. You want to 'wipe Israel off the map.' You repress women in your own country. You're out of your mind, man. The next thing you know, you're going to be renewing Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, picking the Detroit Lions for the Super Bowl, and fundraising for John McCain.\n\nYour recent trip to America was a disaster, Mahmoud. First you wanted to visit Ground Zero. Couldn't let you do that, brother. That'd be like letting Bill Buckner come back to Boston. Then you spoke at Columbia University. It was supposed to provoke civilized discourse and debate. Right. It was like an episode of I Love New York. Columbia's president introduced you as 'a petty and cruel dictator.' He wasn't even that mean to John Mayer when he visited the school.\n\nThen there's the gay stuff. You told the audience at Columbia that gay people don't exist in your country. 'We don't have this phenomenon,' you said. Oh yeah Do you have gymnasiums, outdoor caf\u00E9s, and antiques shops in your country Well, you have this phenomenon, Mr. President. Get used to it.\n\nYou've got to get with the program, Mahmoud. This is a big rock we're all living on. There's room for you, Kim Jong Il, and the Axis of Crazy, and there's room for our own dope down in Washington, D.C., too. There's a place for gay people, straight people, and whatever team Senator Larry Craig is playing for right now.\n\nYou need to shape up, Mahmoud. It looks like you might even be in trouble in your own country. Your people are restless. Your college students are angry. And they're not like college students in America, who get mad, get really angry, and then\u2026go shopping with Dad's AmEx.\n\nSo here's some advice.\n\n1. Ease up on the insane talk. Stop yapping about eliminating Israel. Not the best icebreaker at a cocktail party, Mahmoud. Stop saying 'the Holocaust should be left open to debate.' Try to make a little polite conversation. Ask the other partygoers if they saw last week's episode of Heroes. Or ask if they've ever pulled the fingernails off a political dissident. You know, small talk.\n\n2. Brush up on your history. You need a little bit of a timeline primer so you stop putting your foot in your mouth. Like, the Holocaust Happened. World War II Happened. Nineeleven Happened. Led Zeppelin reunion Never happened. Wait. No happening. Yikes.\n\n3. Wear a tie. Look, is the Iranian parliament on permanent casual Friday What's with the twentyfour\u2013seven opencollar look, Mr. President You dress like Tom Cruise in Rain Man. Give our style editor, Adam, a call. He's got a couple of narrow Band of Outsiders ties he can fix you up with. Yes, Adam's straight. Though he does get his jeans tailored.\n\n4. Put the kibosh on Oliver Stone. We've read that you gave Stone the green light to make a movie about you. Um, did you see Alexander Or U Turn You don't want any part of Stone, Mahmoud. Not unless you want to be played by a fat Val Kilmer.\n\nOkay, Mr. President. Try to keep the crazy dial at medium. We'll be watching from behind our Star Wars\u2013defense shield.\n\nSincerely,\n\nGQ\n\nP.S. We're serious, Mahmoud. You'd better listen to us, or we're sending Bill Clinton and his henchmen. And everyone has to do what they say. Trust us."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
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