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" (Permanent Musical Accompaniment To This Feature.      Welcome back to our weekly survey of what&amp;#039;s goin&amp;#039; down in the several states where, as you know, the real work of governmentin&amp;#039; gets done, and where the guilty undertaker sighs and the lonesome organ-grinder cries. But, first, I have two questions for the congregation. 1) The permanent musical accompaniment for this feature is, of course, &amp;quot;Strange Things (Happening Every Day)&amp;quot; by the late, great Sister Rosetta Tharpe, which is my nominee for the first rock and roll single ever. So how come I don&amp;#039;t learn until last night that there was a tribute album to Sister Rosetta released two years ago, and that, among its other charms, Marcia Ball and Maria Muldaur duet on &amp;quot;Shout, Sister, Shout&amp;quot;? I depend on you people, dammit. 2) One last holiday note. Is it solely because I am the father of a Brandeis alum that my brain insists on hearing the lyrics of a certain Christmas classic as, &amp;quot;the kids jingle-belling and everyone&amp;#039;s kvelling...&amp;quot;? Apropos of that, it really is the most wonderful time of the year because the state governments around the country are back in action, which means some curious acts of cutting edge governmentin&amp;#039; abound. Let us begin in America&amp;#039;s Dairyland, where State Senator Glenn Grothman (R-Pluto) has found himself a new issue for a new year. He is quite tired of being a black person oppressed by The Man, who apparently works these days for Hallmark. Sen. Glenn Grothman&amp;#039;s denounced [Kwanzaa] in a press release Friday, calling the African-American cultural observance fake, fraudulent and one that &amp;quot;almost no black people today care about ... just white left-wingers who try to shove this down black people&amp;#039;s throats in an effort to divide America.&amp;quot; ... Grothman ended his Friday press release, which also went out to constituents as an e-newsletter, by cautioning parents to &amp;quot;be on the lookout if a K-12 or college teacher tries to tell your children or grandchildren (that Kwanzaa) is a real holiday.&amp;quot; Rap on, my brother. Let us pack up our unity cups and move along to Virginia, where Governor Bob McDonnell, the noted transvaginalist, has decided to burglarize the unauthorized-by-Jesus use of the ladyparts while nobody&amp;#039;s watching, because nothing says &amp;quot;Presidential Timber&amp;quot; like making sure that the gender gap gets even wider. Unlike the public relations ballyhoo that accompanies many executive actions, McDonnell, an anti-abortion Republican, certified the regulations and had them posted to the Virginia Town Hall website without a public announcement on the Friday between the Christmas and New Year&amp;#039;s holidays.  If he could&amp;#039;ve done this by Pony Express from the Van Alen Belt, he would have. A brave man, our noted transvaginalist, who only always has the interests of the ladies and their ladyparts at heart. McDonnell spokesman J. Tucker Martin said the regulations are a product of legislation that passed the General Assembly in 2011 and went through an extensive public comment process and detailed agency review that followed the same process that all proposed changes to regulations undergo in Virginia. &amp;quot;The governor believes these common-sense regulations will help ensure that this medical procedure takes place in facilities that are modern, safe and well-regulated, in order to help ensure the safety and well-being of all patients,&amp;quot; Martin said. (Idle Curiosity: Is it just me or is there a reason why all these clowns have spokescritters with names you&amp;#039;d expect to find on guys who got drunk last weekend at the Yacht Club cotillion and woke up lying in the boat basin?)  In fact, Governor Bob is so interested in public health generally that he is being very, very careful about finding a new public health commissioner for the entire commonwealth. Or, at the very least, one that can sing &amp;quot;The Lonely Goatherd&amp;quot; on key while dancing. McDonnell has yet to name a replacement for Health Commissioner Karen Remley, who resigned in October. She said the development, enforcement and interpretation of the regulations outside of her office had compromised her ability to fulfill her duties.  We must leave the Old Dominion, while they seem to be putting in place many elements of the Old Dominion itself, and zip ourselves off to Michigan where, last fall, the people rose up at the ballot box and smote Tea Party nerd Governor Rick Snyder by repealing his &amp;quot;emergency manager&amp;quot; law by which he could remove an elected city or town government at will, and install a cron...er...put in place a new financial manager. Unfortunately for the people, they did not rise up and repeal Snyder and the entire state legislature. And, of course, there is a provision to immunize Snyder from another unfortunate outbreak of democracy. The signed bill differs from the previous EMF legislation by allowing communities to choose between declaring bankruptcy or allowing a financial manager to be appointed by the state. The law is set to go into effect Spring 2013. Part of the bill prevents the possibility of voters challenging it via referendum, protecting it from the fate of Public Act 4. Luckily, the will of the voters has been expressed in other ways throughout the land. Besides being the month in which we have a whole new crop of state legislatures on which to ponder, it is also the month in which the interesting new laws passed by the old state legislatures come into effect. For example, it will now cost you a thousand bucks if you pop a wheelie on your motorcycle in Illinois. There&amp;#039;s also a new $3 surtax on the patrons of strip clubs. I expect a lot of guys named Red Dog will now be budgeting deducting exactly $1003 every weekend from their state taxes under &amp;quot;business expenses.&amp;quot; In North Carolina, it&amp;#039;s now a crime to steal used restaurant grease. Apparently, it&amp;#039;s a, ahem, hot commodity on the underground biofuels market. (Apparently, there&amp;#039;s also an underground biofuels market.) The job of collecting used restaurant grease seems like punishment enough for two lifetimes but, hey, the president promised you new green energy jobs. He didn&amp;#039;t promise you that some of them wouldn&amp;#039;t be disgusting. Meanwhile, in Kentucky, the fourth Monday in August will now be Coal Truck Drivers Appreciation Day. (Get your shopping done early.) Also, there will no longer be language in Kentucky&amp;#039;s state laws regarding the paying of pensions to Confederate veterans. You also now can&amp;#039;t release your pet pig into the wild. In Wellington, Kansas, you can&amp;#039;t own more than four cats per household. I believe these last two laws are part of the nationwide War On The Learning Channel. This is your democracy, America. Cherish it. "^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a17773/laboratories-of-democracy-kwanzaa-010313/?click=news>