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"FacebookPinterest\n\n Two groups of people hate me. All together, it adds up to 343,830 grudge-bearers. That might seem like a lot, but they all dislike me for the same reason. It's nice to know I've only done one thing wrong in my life.\n\n A majority of them, 343,829, comprise the entire population of New Orleans. They are unhappy with a GQ story I wrote about the city in 2006, a year after Katrina. What I wrote, in summation, was that New Orleans was a mess and wasn't doing much to get itself out of the mess.\n\n The other group consists of one person, Anthony Bourdain. He claims to hate me for the same reason. I don't usually trust his motives, or, for that matter, anything else about him, but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'll concede that the story might have upset him.\n\n A few months ago I heard from the people who produce \"Treme,\" a semi-fictional, semi-historical HBO series about life in New Orleans in the aftermath of Katrina. They asked me to be on it, to appear as myself. Here was the first catch: New Orleans would be getting revenge on me. Here's the second catch: Bourdain would be writing the scene where New Orleans gets revenge on me.\n\n At first, I wasn't going to do it. I didn't mind the revenge part. I minded the Bourdain part. But then I saw the script he wrote, and I was impressed. It was fair, and it was fun, so I went down to New Orleans to tape it. The episode with me was shown for the first time this past Sunday night, so now I can tell you what happened: A New Orleans chef sees me in a restaurant and tosses a Sazerac in my face. That's a whiskey cocktail and a good choice of weaponry, since it symbolizes the city.\n\n My good friend Peter Travers, film critic for Rolling Stone, says he will personally campaign to get me an Emmy, that's how brilliantly I portrayed myself. I'm hoping he makes comparisons to Jack Nicholson getting his nose slit in Chinatown. I am now able to reveal how the director obtained such a bravura performance. He told everybody but me that we were rehearsing, and that the Sazerac would not be tossed. Then he told the chef, played by Kim Dickens, to toss it. I vividly recall the liquid hitting my face, thinking that she had made a terrible mistake, and realizing that the show must go on. Come to think of it, is an Emmy sufficient reward for a gritty performance like that?\n\n I do want to clear up a few ancillary matters.\n\n Bourdain was interviewed about me being on \"Treme\" and said nice things. Well, that was after saying, \"I hate the bastard.\" He said I had \"no small amount of balls\" to have done it, and pointed out that I had once been a marine. Not quite true. I was an army captain in Vietnam , which is as good as being a marine, unless you're a marine.\n\n Second point: For a long time it used to say in my Wikipedia entry that I was the father of Adam Richman, the fellow on the Travel Channel. In case that misconception persists, I want it known that I have never met Adam Richman, and I want to apologize to his mother if the unfounded assertion embarrassed her. What does this have to do with \"Treme\"? Nothing, except I don't need enemy number 343,831.\n\n Because of my appearance on \"Treme,\" I am now a member of the Screen Actors Guild. I would like it known that I am available to any film company in need of a leading man experienced in performing while soaked. (I suspect actors with that specific talent are in short supply since the passing of Lloyd Bridges.) Please contact my agent, David Halpern, at The Robbins Office in New York."^^<http://www.w3.org/2001/XMLSchema#string>
<http://www.gq.com/story/alan-richman-anthony-bourdain-treme>