How do I apologize for unintentionally saying something linked to other people's private difficulties?


I was in conversation with an acquaintance. They start talking about their
kid, so I said something intended as a compliment to their child, but that led
to them telling me about their kid's congenital disorder, which I didn't
expect to hear at all. It wasn't my intention to pry into something so private
and understandably painful that they probably didn't feel comfortable letting
other people know.

This is a post hoc question, as looking back now I think I should have
apologized more properly. I think I said something to the effect of
「余計なことを聞いちゃってすみません！」 But retrospectively I am not sure 「聞いてしまう」 was a good
word, because I don't think I actually asked anything. Because of an honest
mistake intended as a compliment, the flow of the conversation sort of
compelled them to give me an explanation of a private situation which I worry
might have made them feel unnecessarily uncomfortable, sad, or at the very
least awkward. Also I don't think I should've described something so close to
their heart as 「余計なこと」.

I would have been hesitant to use 変なこと too, because wouldn't that feel like I
was saying their kid or their kid's condition was 変? I think neither of those
is anything close to what I would like to express.

Maybe something like this?

> 辛い思いをさせちゃった事につきまして本当にすみませんでした！
>
> 不快な思いを思い出させてしまい誠に申し訳ございませんでした！

In English, it's common in such situations to say things like "Oh I'm sorry! I
didn't know!" "I am so sorry! I didn't mean to pry."

I would like to know the best ways to apologize in this situation, in
different registers: informal, formal, and business.




I suppose it very much depends on the nature of the topic or just the course
of the conversation. Practically I myself would fall into awkward silence or
ask a few other questions so that I sort of get away from the specific case
concerning the interlocutor.

That said, most probably 余計な事聞いてしまってごめんなさい actually works fine for saying
sorry when you bring up a topic which leads to revealing unpleasant things to
the person you are talking with (even if it is not a question).

A subtle thing is, putting ごめんなさい at the beginning sounds more natural:
ごめんなさい、余計な事聞いてしまって。 (It could be just me, but ごめんなさい at the end sounds like a
real apology for a thing you have done intentionally, which should not be the
case in question.)

Using 変な事 is possible for some cases, but if you just asked e.g. how the child
is doing, then it may not fit. It does not imply the child is 変, but describes
the question itself. Other possibilities would be 立ち入ったこと/個人的な事. Using 余計な事
looks most neutral.

Regarding the register, it should be handled by endings: 聞いてしまって vs 聞いちゃって and
すいません vs ごめん(なさい). The most casual is ごめん、余計な事聞いちゃって (or 終止形 is possible:
余計なこと聞いた).

* * *

As for the 辛い思いを... type, it is possible but the unpleasant thing must be
something serious. For example, the child turns out to be dead in a car
accident, it is possible to say 辛いこと(嫌な事)を思い出させてしまってごめんなさい. Otherwise if it is
about some sort of handicap, then using つらいこと could offend her/him because it
implies the handicap is a negative thing (in the similar way you worried about
the use of 変).

#A minor thing: 事につきまして does not sound natural even if the register is
corrected: 辛い思いをさせてしまったことにつきまして本当にすみません。 sounds over polite. 辛い思いをさせてしまってすいません
should be enough.

Lastly 不快な思いをさせて is less likely. It fits more naturally when what you have
done actually affects the person negatively. It is closer to 迷惑をかけて.




I suppose it very much depends on the nature of the topic or just the course
of the conversation. Practically I myself would fall into awkward silence or
ask a few other questions so that I sort of get away from the specific case
concerning the interlocutor.

That said, most probably 余計な事聞いてしまってごめんなさい actually works fine for saying
sorry when you bring up a topic which leads to revealing unpleasant things to
the person you are talking with (even if it is not a question).

A subtle thing is, putting ごめんなさい at the beginning sounds more natural:
ごめんなさい、余計な事聞いてしまって。 (It could be just me, but ごめんなさい at the end sounds like a
real apology for a thing you have done intentionally, which should not be the
case in question.)

Using 変な事 is possible for some cases, but if you just asked e.g. how the child
is doing, then it may not fit. It does not imply the child is 変, but describes
the question itself. Other possibilities would be 立ち入ったこと/個人的な事. Using 余計な事
looks most neutral.

Regarding the register, it should be handled by endings: 聞いてしまって vs 聞いちゃって and
すいません vs ごめん(なさい). The most casual is ごめん、余計な事聞いちゃって (or 終止形 is possible:
余計なこと聞いた).

* * *

As for the 辛い思いを... type, it is possible but the unpleasant thing must be
something serious. For example, the child turns out to be dead in a car
accident, it is possible to say 辛いこと(嫌な事)を思い出させてしまってごめんなさい. Otherwise if it is
about some sort of handicap, then using つらいこと could offend her/him because it
implies the handicap is a negative thing (in the similar way you worried about
the use of 変).

#A minor thing: 事につきまして does not sound natural even if the register is
corrected: 辛い思いをさせてしまったことにつきまして本当にすみません。 sounds over polite. 辛い思いをさせてしまってすいません
should be enough.

Lastly 不快な思いをさせて is less likely. It fits more naturally when what you have
done actually affects the person negatively. It is closer to 迷惑をかけて.

