誰にも優しくしてるよね、誰にも優しくしてあげてるよね、誰にも優しくしてくれてるよね


In a recent conversation with someone who is in the same loosely connected
group as me, I tried to tell them that they have been a crucial member in the
group. We are comfortably on ため口 terms. I tried to tell them they had been
very nice to everybody in the group. And I think all the options I thought of
works, but I am not sure which one would've been the most
natural/idiomatic/works best.

> （グループの）誰にも優しくしてるよね  
>  （グループの）誰にも優しくしてるじゃん

I can't seem to detect much of a difference between よね and じゃん in this
context. Then I start to worry about あげる・くれる・∅. We are slightly closer to each
other than to the rest of the group and I didn't think they'd mind being
included on the same side with me, so my first thought was

> （グループの）誰にも優しくしてあげてるじゃん

But I didn't want to assume false familiarity that may or may not be there for
them, also they have been teaching group members stuff, me included, so I then
thought maybe I should go with

> （グループの）誰にも優しくしてくれてるじゃん

to mean they have been nice to everybody and I have also benefitted from that
niceness. But I felt slightly weird putting myself in the same band as the
rest of the group, because I identify much more closely with the person I was
having that conversation with, culturally and in a lot of other ways too, than
with anybody else in that group, so I wasn't sure if I should speak for
everybody else or siding with them, so to speak. So eventually I went with

> （グループの）誰にも優しくしてるじゃん

Which one would have been the most natural option?




In a similar vein to [this
answer](https://japanese.stackexchange.com/a/94596/45489), the difference is
the following. I guess the subtlety comes from the general ambiguity of being
nice.

  * 優しくしてるじゃん refers to something noticeable. The listener must be _very_ nice, in the way that mostly everybody agrees. Or the listener's contribution is something concrete/specific.

  * 優しくしてるよね is natural when pointing out general niceness of the listener. For example, the listener may be doing a lot of small things that help people, but each one is not a big deal. As such the listener may not think herself being nice, but you want to thank her for the cumulative merit done by her.

くれる/あげる difference is, as you correctly understand, a matter of which side you
attach yourself to.

Probably I personally would go with 優しいよね rather than 優しくしてるよね for mentioning
the general niceness of somebody's daily doings. Without くれる/あげる, just for
neutrality.

