And then when they get bigger  you give them more and more freedom  to do just what they want to do and all you do is watch carefully and make sure they're not doing anything  obviously, outrageously daft  but you let them find themselves  and if there are problems they bring their problems to you and you sit down and you quietly talk about it, there's not shouting, no  I say you've got to do this because I am your parent!