And it came home to me that you know we all had to come to terms in some way with erm  with what it was all about and the kids and you know and it became something of a  I mean i it was the experience that we went through you know it was i it was you know something that we'll always remember I think because it'll always make Christmas different I think  for us in a way you know but it  And when they came up from South Wales with car loads and van loads and I mean we all just sobbed you know I mean there was nothing to do really you know it was just  and I think  anyway that was Christmas, but I mean er.