Editor's note: Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of "Crazy Love," a new memoir about domestic violence, and the anthology "Mommy Wars," which explores the polarization between stay-at-home and career moms.

Leslie Morgan Steiner says domestic violence afflicts the well-to-do as well as the poor.

(CNN) -- For two days, news reports called her "the 20-year old victim" allegedly attacked by R&B singer and dancer Chris Brown in his car early February 8 in Los Angeles, California.

We all now have good reason to believe that the alleged victim was pop singer Rihanna, Brown's girlfriend.

The story has dominated the general media with good reason. Both singers are young, apple-cheek gorgeous, immensely talented and squeaky clean -- the last couple you'd imagine as domestic violence headliners.

Perhaps the only good that will come from the Rihanna/Brown publicity is destruction of our culture's misconception that abusers and their victims can only be universally poor, uneducated and powerless.

Brown, whose first song debuted at No. 1 and whose first album topped the Billboard Hot 100, appeared on a Disney sitcom and in Sesame Street, Got Milk? and Wrigley's Doublemint Gum commercials. Barbados-born Rihanna has been big-brothered by music industry legends like Jay-Z and Kanye West and is signed to the Def Jam Recordings label.

She has been astonishingly successful in the short time she has been on the music scene, attaining five Billboard Hot 100 No. 1's with "SOS," "Umbrella," "Take a Bow," "Disturbia" and T.I.'s "Live Your Life."

Like Rihanna, I had a bright future in my early 20s. I met my abusive lover at 22. I'd just graduated from Harvard and had a job at Seventeen Magazine in New York.

My husband worked on Wall Street and was an Ivy League graduate as well. In our world, we were the last couple you'd imagine enmeshed in domestic violence.

Many of my ex-husband's attacks also took place in our car. For reasons I never understood, the enclosed, soundproof space brought out his worst violence. He punched me so fiercely that my face had bruises from his fist on one side and from hitting the window on the other.

As trapped in the car as I was in our marriage, it was there that I endured tirades about how controlling I was with money, how flirtatious and naïve I was with other men, how defiant and disrespectful I was of my husband's authority.

So, I suppose I have more understanding than most about the shame, fury, confusion and disappointment Rihanna may be experiencing. What's hardest for outsiders to fathom is how lethal a cocktail love, hope and sympathy can be. I first fell for my husband the night he confided how he, like Chris Brown, had been traumatized as a young boy by domestic violence in his home.

"He used to hit my mom ... He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself," Brown said during a 2007 interview with Giant magazine.

Brown hasn't explained what happened in the recent incident, but this week he released a statement saying that he's sorry and saddened by it.

Our culture encourages women to nurture men, making it predictable that many experience a seductive empathy for abusive men, as well as the misguided hope that love can obliterate an ugly past.

In my case, it took four years, myriad terrifying attacks, and the intervention of the police and family court before I understood how little I could help my ex get over his abusive childhood.

I certainly felt alone during my abusive relationship, but unfortunately I was in good company. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that between 1 million and 3 million women in America are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend each year.

Every day, on average, three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends. At some point in our lives, 25 percent of American women will report
Editor 's note : Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of " Crazy Love , " a new memoir about domestic violence , and the anthology " Mommy Wars , " which explores the polarization between stay - at - home and career moms . Leslie Morgan Steiner says domestic violence afflicts the well - to - do as well as the poor . ( CNN ) -- For two days , news reports called her " the 20-year old victim " allegedly attacked by R&B singer and dancer Chris Brown in his car early February 8 in Los Angeles , California . We all now have good reason to believe that the alleged victim was pop singer Rihanna , Brown 's girlfriend . The story has dominated the general media with good reason . Both singers are young , apple - cheek gorgeous , immensely talented and squeaky clean -- the last couple you 'd imagine as domestic violence headliners . Perhaps the only good that will come from the Rihanna / Brown publicity is destruction of our culture 's misconception that abusers and their victims can only be universally poor , uneducated and powerless . Brown , whose first song debuted at No . 1 and whose first album topped the Billboard Hot 100 , appeared on a Disney sitcom and in Sesame Street , Got Milk ? and Wrigley 's Doublemint Gum commercials . Barbados - born Rihanna has been big - brothered by music industry legends like Jay - Z and Kanye West and is signed to the Def Jam Recordings label . She has been astonishingly successful in the short time she has been on the music scene , attaining five Billboard Hot 100 No . 1 's with " SOS , " " Umbrella , " " Take a Bow , " " Disturbia " and T.I. 's " Live Your Life . " Like Rihanna , I had a bright future in my early 20s . I met my abusive lover at 22 . I 'd just graduated from Harvard and had a job at Seventeen Magazine in New York . My husband worked on Wall Street and was an Ivy League graduate as well . In our world , we were the last couple you 'd imagine enmeshed in domestic violence . Many of my ex - husband 's attacks also took place in our car . For reasons I never understood , the enclosed , soundproof space brought out his worst violence . He punched me so fiercely that my face had bruises from his fist on one side and from hitting the window on the other . As trapped in the car as I was in our marriage , it was there that I endured tirades about how controlling I was with money , how flirtatious and naïve I was with other men , how defiant and disrespectful I was of my husband 's authority . So , I suppose I have more understanding than most about the shame , fury , confusion and disappointment Rihanna may be experiencing . What 's hardest for outsiders to fathom is how lethal a cocktail love , hope and sympathy can be . I first fell for my husband the night he confided how he , like Chris Brown , had been traumatized as a young boy by domestic violence in his home . " He used to hit my mom ... He made me terrified all the time , terrified like I had to pee on myself , " Brown said during a 2007 interview with Giant magazine . Brown has n't explained what happened in the recent incident , but this week he released a statement saying that he 's sorry and saddened by it . Our culture encourages women to nurture men , making it predictable that many experience a seductive empathy for abusive men , as well as the misguided hope that love can obliterate an ugly past . In my case , it took four years , myriad terrifying attacks , and the intervention of the police and family court before I understood how little I could help my ex get over his abusive childhood . I certainly felt alone during my abusive relationship , but unfortunately I was in good company . The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that between 1 million and 3 million women in America are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend each year . Every day , on average , three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends . At some point in our lives , 25 percent of American women will report
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what was Leslie Steiner ?
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