set aside prayer

god, please help us to set aside everything we know and everything we think we know
about you, about ourselves, about each other and about this work of recovery,
so that we may have an open mind, an open heart, and a new experience of you in our lives today.
amen
i put my hand in yours
and together we can do
what we can never do alone,
no longer is there a sense of hopelessness.
no longer must we each depend
upon our own unsteady willpower.
we are all together now
reaching out our hands
for a power and strength greater than ours.
and as we join hands,
we find love and understanding
beyond our wildest dreams.

god, please help us to set aside everything we know and everything we think we know
about you, about ourselves, about each other and about this work of recovery,
so that we may have an open mind, an open heart, and a new experience of you in our lives today.
amen 
(based on the prayer of st francis)
higher power, make us an instrument of your peace;
where we have divisions, help us sow unity;
where we have grievance, forgiveness;
where we have doubt, faith;
where we have despair, hope;
where we have darkness, light;
and where we have sadness, joy.
higher power, help us not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is with love that our coupleship will endure. 
god, grant us the serenity
to accept the things we cannot change,
courage to change the things we can,
and wisdom to know the difference. 
i want to be more sensitive to my partner,
as sensitivity to my partner opens awareness of my innermost self.
higher power help me become more open and aware.
i need to see my own fear behind my shortcomings:
my tendency to be sarcastic and stubborn,
my tendency to blame and make my partner wrong,
my need to make my partner feel disrespected and ‘less than’.
higher power, help me find the courage to acknowledge my own shortcomings,
instead of focusing on those of my partner.
i promise to try to use the coupleship tools i have learned
to stop interrupting my partner
to speak from ‘i’ statements,
and to acknowledge the strengths my partner brings to our coupleship.
higher power teach me humility and remove my character defects so that i may love more sincerely and completely.” amen 
higher power, we offer our coupleship to you.
to transform us and to do with our relationship as you believe is best.
take away the selfishness we show toward each other
and others in our lives, so that we may better do your will.
take away our dysfunctional patterns of caring, communication and intimacy,
that overcoming them may be a testimony
of your power, your love, and your way of life — 
to each other, and to those we might help. i put my hand in yours
and together we can do
what we can never do alone,
no longer is there a sense of hopelessness.
no longer must we each depend
upon our own unsteady willpower.
we are all together now
reaching out our hands
for a power and strength greater than ours.
and as we join hands,
we find love and understanding
beyond our wildest dreams.  
 when any couple,
anywhere, reaches out for help
we want the hand of rca to always be there.
and for that, . 
1. we are a beautiful, unique couple and we deserve recovery
2. we treat each other with honor and respect
3. we are honest, direct, appropriate and respectful with each other
4. we are totally deserving of unconditional love
5. we are a work of art in progress
6. we enrich our relationship by reaching out to other couples committed to recovery
7. we are changing and growing in the present moment
8. we seek to build closeness and intimacy by asking for what we need and want
9. today we acknowledge that our needs may be different we find healthy ways to get our needs met through many available resources
10. we communicate our differences with love and respect
11. we respect each other's boundaries
12. we respect each other's path of recovery
13. we can each grow at our own pace
14. we can lovingly confront our partner and share our feelings, even if pain is part of that growth
15. we know, understand and accept ourselves as a couple we gently invite each other to grow
16. we support our partner's individuality with our love and understanding
17. we support each other's growth and ability to make healthy choices
18. we affirm qualities in our partner that we admire we choose to share how these qualities enrich our relationship
19. today we affirm the little child within our partner and nurture that special quality
20. our relationship grows as we get to know our partner
21. we are fully developing ourselves as persons within a healthy relationship
22. we accept and respect our differences and look at how they enhance our relationship
23. today we affirm that our partnership is made of two equal, unique parts and that our relationship has a valuable life of its own
24. we help each other learn how to love
25. "i love you" can be said by a touch or a look
26. we express our love in words and actions on a daily basis
27. today we develop balance in all areas of our relationship
28. we are a gift to share with each other and with other couples
29. today we accept that we do not have all the answers
30. we can be empowered and vulnerable at the same time
31. we choose to say "no" when we are not safe
32. we trust our sponsor couple and open ourselves to their experience, strength and hope
33. we ask our higher power for the courage and wisdom to face each new challenge in our coupleship
34. we are lovable for who we are rather than what we do
35. we do not abandon each other
36. we choose to be best friends
37. we stepped in time
38. today we have healthy conflict, and there is no winner or loser
39. we affirm our growth: first we learn to listen: then we listen to learn
40. we listen to each other with our hearts and we open our minds
41. we share sorrows and joys
42. we can agree to disagree it is ok to disagree
43. today we choose to let go of fear, to take healthy risks and to become more intimate
44. we feel relief as we share our fears with each other
45. we are safe with each other and it is ok to express insights about our mistakes
46. we are learning to be better parents
47. we take responsibility for our mistakes and learn from our experiences
48. it's ok to love my partner and be angry at the same time
49. secrets build walls of confusion and threaten our relationship today we seek to create an atmosphere of openness and honesty
50. we let go of expectations and perceived outcomes we place our future in the hands of our higher power
51. today we choose to live in the present, despite our individual or couple history
52. we know that much of our anger is based on our family-of-origin baggage
53. we recognize our triggers without reacting to them we see the underlying family-of-origin issues
54. we choose to forgive and make peace with ourselves
55. we forgive each other
56. we peacefully respond to change, rather than react and create crises
57. when we come to a crossroads in our life, we reach out to each other, ask for guidance from fellow recovering couples, and seek our higher power to find a true path
58. our rca three-legged stool does not topple: each of us and our coupleship are recovering
59. we allow ourselves creative space to work and play in many ways we find new directions and opportunities
60. it is fun to play with each other, and we enjoy playing together
61. we build intimacy through sharing the ordinary moments in life
62. we learn from each other's ability to show love
63. today we can find a new way to express our love for our partner
64. we enjoy each other's touch. our couple sexuality is not a barometer of relationship success
65. we are sexually intimate with each other through words, touches, looks, sounds and thoughts
66. we accept mutual responsibility for our sexual relationship, both in giving and receiving sexual pleasure and in recognizing each other's boundaries
67. we share a spiritual connection through our mutual sexual relationship
68. as our coupleship heals, hope reappears in our relationship
69. we relax and enjoy our life right now
70. today we have recovery tools to build commitment, caring and communication
71. we build dreams together and live them one day at a time
72. we validate our coupleship through our recovery we are proud of who we are
73. laughter and healthy humor bring lightness and healing to our relationship
74. i am recovering with my partner our coupleship is in recovery
75. we are steadily growing in intimacy with the help of our higher power
76. we find regular ways to restore our connection with each other and with our higher power
77. we walk together we play together we pray together we are together rarely have we seen a couple fail who have thoroughly followed our path. those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. they are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands mutual and rigorous honesty.
there are those, too, who cannot or will not make a commitment to their partner. there are those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.
at some of these we balked. we thought we could find an easier, softer way. but we could not. with all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the start. some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
remember that we deal with addictions-cunning, baffling, powerful. we also deal with all those memories of past hurts, misbehavior, and vows violated. without help our anger, hurt, and mistrust are too great for us. but there is one who has all power; that one is god. may you find god now.
half measures availed us nothing. we stood at the turning point. we asked god's protection and care with complete abandon. here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery. many of us exclaimed, "what an order! we can't go through with it. our love is lost, our vows forever violated, our communication destroyed, our families broken beyond repair."
do not be discouraged. no couple among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles.
we are not saints, our love is not perfect, our energy not unbounded, nor our relationships ideal. there is no such thing as the ultimately caring and nurturing partner or perfect intimacy.  the point is that we are willing to grow together along spiritual lines.
the principles we have set down are guides to progress. we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection. in our spirituality we claim the goal of greater caring, communication, and intimacy.
our understanding of our addictions, dysfunctions, and our personal histories before and after recovery make clear three pertinent ideas:
1. that our relationship had become unmanageable.  that despite our best efforts we were headed for  separation and/or divorce.
2. that probably no human power could have restored us to commitment and intimacy.
3. that god could and would if god were sought. ours is a fellowship of recovering couples. we suffer from many different addictions and dysfunctions, and we share our experience, strength, and hope with each other that we may solve our common problems and help other recovering couples restore their relationships. the only requirement for membership is a desire to remain committed to each other and to develop new intimacy.
there are no dues or fees for membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. we are not allied with any organization. we do not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorse nor oppose any causes.
although there is no organizational affiliation between alcoholics anonymous and our fellowship, we are based on the principles of aa. our primary purpose is to stay committed in loving and intimate relationships and to help other couples achieve freedom from dysfunctional relationships. if we are honest about our commitment and painstaking about working the twelve steps together, we will quickly be amazed at how soon our love returns. we are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. we will learn how to play and have fun together. as we experience mutual forgiveness we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. trust in each other will return. we will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
no matter how close to brokenness we have come, we will see how our experiences can benefit others. that feeling of uselessness, shame, and self-pity will disappear. we will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our partners, families, and others. self-seeking will slip away.  our whole attitude and outlook on life will change. fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. we will be better parents, workers, helpers, and friends. we will suddenly realize that god is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
are these extravagant promises? we think not. they are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. they will always materialize if we work for them.
for those of you who are new to our fellowship, there are no problems that you have experienced that are not common to many of us. just as our love for our partners has been imperfect, we may not always be adequately able to express to you the deep love and acceptance we feel for you. keep coming back; the process of loving and communication grows in us, and with each other, one day at a time. anonymity and mutual respect of boundaries are essential to providing a healing experience to each of us. most of us have had great difficulty establishing our boundaries, assertiveness, and personal space. we are sensitive to cross-talk. our purpose is not to give advice or try to fix one another, but rather to create a safe environment where we can experience and share our pain, hope and joy.
we have found that:
1. it is ok to feel.
2. it is ok to make mistakes.
3. it is ok to have respectful conflict.
4. it is ok to have needs and ask for them to be met.
5. it is important to respect others (partners and others in the group). it is important to avoid self-righteous statements, baiting or button-pushing statements, case-building statements, and the taking or sharing of another person’s inventory.
6. it is important to respect ourselves and to avoid self put-downs and self-pity. it is helpful to take ownership of our own story and to take credit for our progress and work in recovery.
7. anonymity is our spiritual foundation. whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.
we have care and concern for ourselves and our coupleships. we meet to both receive and provide the nurturing our relationships need to grow and endure. for that reason, it is important for us to act and speak respectfully to our partners and others. as we do this, we value the group and the relationships in it. 1. we admitted we were powerless over our relationship - that our lives together had become unmanageable.
2. we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to commitment and intimacy.
3. we made a decision to turn our wills and our life together over to the care of god as we understood god.
4. we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our relationship together as a couple.
5. we admitted to god, to each other, and to another couple the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. we were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character, communication, and caring.
7. we humbly asked god to remove our shortcomings.
8. we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. we made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. we continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it to our partner and to others we had harmed.
11. we sought through our common prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood god, praying only for knowledge of god's will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other couples, and to practice these principles in all aspects of our lives, our relationship, and our families. 1. our common welfare should come first; couple recovery depends upon rca unity.
2. for our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority, a loving god as known in our group conscience. our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
3. the only requirement for rca membership is a desire to remain in a committed relationship.
4. each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or rca as a whole.
5. each group has but one primary purpose, to carry its message to recovering couples who still suffer.
6. rca ought never endorse, finance, or lend the rca name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.
7. every rca group should be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
8. recovering couples anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.
9. rca, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
10. recovering couples anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the rca name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
11. our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, tv, and films.
12. anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. this is a short tutorial on  to a zoom meeting. click here