title: My Boyfriend Barfed in My Handbag . . . and Other Things You Can't Ask Martha
author:  Jolie Kerr 
description: Wise and funny. . . . The Lorrie Moore short story, or the Tina Fey memoir, of cleaning tutorials.<br /><b>Dwight Garner, <i>The New York Times</i></b><br /><br />Thrillingly titled. . . . For a generation overwhelmed not just by dust bunnies, but by bong water on the carpet, pee stains on the ceiling and vomit seemingly everywhere, Jolie Kerr dispenses cleaning advice free of judgment. . . . A Mrs. Beeton for the postcollege set.<br /><b>Penelope Green, <i>The New York Times</i></b><br /><br />A darned informative book. . . . When you can combine breezy writing with things that are of day-to-day use, that's a win. . . . All of Kerr's advice is fun, but it's true that she is in some ways at her most irresistible when she's handling the kinds of awkward questions that do traditionally go unanswered in your women's magazines and your perky home-maintenance shows.<br /><b>Linda Holmes, <i>NPR</i></b><br /><b><i></i></b><br />A Millennials version of "Hints from Heloise," Kerr takes a humorous and non-finger-wagging approach to tackling such problems as how to remove the lingering stinky smell from gym clothes, how to launder your bras and how to deep clean your kitchen. . . . Crammed with useful information . . . a worthwhile reference guide to keep handy in the house.<br /><b><i>The Times-Picayune</i></b><br /><br />Charming. . . . A must read.<br /><b>Tyler Coates, <i>Flavorwire</i></b><br /><br />Light, breezy, nonjudgmental. . . . Kerr writes for readers who know little to nothing about laundry or mopping, getting across the notion that youll have to work hard but trying, at least, to make it a little fun.<br /><b>Daniel DAddario, <i>Salon</i></b><br /><br />Jolie Kerrs cleaning advice isnt like your grandmas. . . . She gives unprissy solutions for the peskiest issues.<br /><b>Alexandra Owens, <i>Allure</i></b><br /><br />"Providing the Dirtiest Generation with basic rules for dishwashing (clean dishes, drain sink, rinse dishes), cleaning Formica or stainless steel and, most important, ridding clothing of embarrassing stains including, but not limited to, bodily fluids and bong water.<br /><b><i>The New York Daily News</i></b><br /><br />Refreshingly honest and deeply trueThe cleaning guidance in this text will not steer you wrong.<br /><b><i>Slate</i></b><br /><br />Informative cleaning instructions delivered by a Martha for millennials. . . . All college freshmen should receive a copy of this book.<br /><b>Megan Fishmann, <i>Bust</i></b><br /><br />A joy to read. . . . Whether youre genuinely interested in the best way to scour a pot (baking soda, btw) or just looking for a few handy hints to impress your friends with, Kerrs volume is a fun, entertaining read.<br /><b><i>Elle </i>(Canada</b>)<br /><br />With a delightful mix of self-help and humor, Jolie Kerr is here to help turn your messy life into one of order and beauty. . . . One handy and, yes, neat book.<br /><b><i>Metro</i></b><br /><br />A practical and hilarious guide . . . to help with any and all of your bizarre or mundane cleaning inquiries.<br /><b>Samantha Samel, <i>Brooklyn Daily Eagle</i></b><br /><br />"Jolie Kerr really cuts through the grease and grime with her new book. I do what she tells me to do."<br /><b>Amy Sedaris</b><br /><br />Jolie Kerr is unique among great, funny writers in that she isn't a repulsive slob.<br /><b>Drew Magary, Author of <i>Someone Could Get Hur</i>t and <i>The Postmortal</i></b><br /><br />I was a huge filthy pigand then Jolie happened to me. Now I know just how easy and satisfying proper cleaning can be! I'm not afraid anymore! I used to live like an animal in a cage. I was completely helpless and hapless when it came to pretending to be human. Now I can actually have people in my home, instead of just insects and terrible smells! Jolie Kerr is the painless adult supervision I always needed but was afraid to ask for.<br /><b>Choire Sicha, author of <i>Very Recent History</i></b><br />
zlib_text: Copyright © 2019 J.D. Light
  Edited by Ann Attwood Editing and Proofreading Services
   
   
   
   
  
   
   
  Chapter One
  I didn't even bother looking at my friend as I grabbed several bags out of the back seat and turned
  toward the porch, knowing if I made eye contact with him, he was going to start griping. He was
  going to try to make me feel bad about my behavior, but that wasn't going to happen. The only thing I
  regretted about the whole situation was that I’d ended up smelling like pickle juice, and I'd forgotten
  to get another onion.
  I set the groceries on the table and started unloading the bags as Braden made a slower trek into the
  house, his limp slowing him as he crossed the porch.
  "You can't attack every random man who tries to talk to you, Malik," Braden finally said when he
  came to a stop beside the table, his hands on his hips.
  Meyers came in behind him, a giant shit-eating grin on his face. He'd been wearing it since we left the
  grocery store. I still wasn't sure if it was because he