title: The New Vampire's Handbook: A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night
author: Joe Garden
description: Ostensibly edited by "the Vampire Miles Proctor" (nee Miles Mrockofijev, a New Yorker since 1907) this tongue-in-cheek (fang-in-neck?) volume should net a broad audience among just about every sector of the pop culture landscape: fans of Twilight, TV's True Blood (or Charlaine Harris's Sookie Stackhouse) and those works' legion of facsimiles in books, TV, movies, video games and the internet. A guide for freshly minted vampires attempting to navigate a new world of near-unlimited power, this work is supposed to be the end-product of 450-plus years of vampire experience. In reality, this cavalcade of vampire satire draws from some of the talented minds behind The Onion, arguably America's finest satirical news source, covering topics from health (oral hygiene kits typically include a file, pliers and a flathead screwdriver) to relationships ( "What to Do if You See a Human You Knew Decades Ago") to practical matters (relocating, faking your way through a meal) with grim silliness. Maintaining a dead-serious tone, this guide takes a giggle-inducing, undeniably comprehensive look at the absurdity of life among with undead. B/w photos and illustrations throughout. <BR>Copyright &copy; Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
zlib_text: 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ![](images/00008.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  > I
  
  
  5
  
  THE stone moved out easily enough, as I’d seen before, and it had a hook on
  the inside of it by which I could pull it closed behind me.
  
  But to get into the narrow dark passage I had to lie on my belly. And when I
  dropped down on my knees and peered into it, I could see no visible light at
  the end. I didn’t like the look of it.
  
  I knew that if I’d been mortal still, nothing could have induced me to crawl
  into a passage like this.
  
  But the old vampire had been plain enough in telling me the sun could destroy
  me as surely as the fire. I had to get to the coffin. And I felt the fear
  coming back in a deluge.
  
  I got down flat on the ground, and crawled as a lizard might into the passage.
  As I feared, I could not really raise my head. And there was no room to turn
  and reach for the hook in the stone. I had to slip my foot into the hook and
  crawl forward to pull the stone behind me.
  
  Total darkness. With room to rise only