   Expert writing advice
  Seeing as how the GameDev.net Lounge has experts in EVERYTHING, I''ve decided to post a tidbit that I wrote earlier this evening and I would like some constructive   criticism. The story itself is irrelevent, but instead I''m inquiring on your thoughts on the writing style itself ... is it too incredibly dry? too wordy? too incoherent? Things like that.--------------------------------------------A Rough StartToday is just one of those days that you wake up and wonder, “How in the hell did I get here?” Of course, you’re bound to feel that way when you wake up next to someone you don’t even begin to recognize and you’ve got this pain seeping through your head like someone’s pouring buckets of sand sideways through your brain. I can’t even begin to elaborate to myself the possibilities of actions that put me here, but I suppose this is as good of a time as any to just say fuck it and get moving anyways.The first obstacle to stand in my way is the cat that has seemingly decided that I have catnip buried between my toes, or at least something else that bares a similar affect, because this damned cat, with blue and red marks on her ears that I’m assuming got there from last night’s escapades, is seriously trying to eat my feet. It hurts. I grab the pillow that was previous supporting my head and is currently stained with whatever it is that I ate last night, and boff the cat with it with enough force to send her sailing more than a few feet from the end of my bed into the panels of my wall. She hits with a hissy fit and then runs from the room. I make my way out of my cave into the living room to find that the floor has obtained a near complete concealment to my vision due to an amazing amount of cans of which were formerly carriers of what some of my friends like to fondly refer to as “liquid bread”. Perhaps this liquid bread will provide me with the nourishment I need to get this day started, or perhaps not says the swishy storm in my cranium. I need the bringer of life… sex, no, I mean water.Apparently someone had both past out on the couch and left their arm hanging loose off of it, because I find myself somehow managing to trip on it. My right foot catches, my head swishes, and my left knee buckles sending me plummeting for the floor. My head runs through where the alarm was lying, knocking it into the floor, and collides with the table, causing a grunt of pain from me and a decided finish to my endeavors to move. So much for getting the day started. ---------------------------------------------Like I said, I''d like comments on my writing style, the story itself is irrelevent. Is writing something I should persue or should I stop before I make too large of an ass of myself? I''m wanting to know these things before I attempt to spend more than 15 minutes writing something.   ---------------------------------------------------laziness is the foundation of efficiencyretrospiral.net | llamas! | megatokyo | gamedev.net | googleTiffany_Smith fanboy
quote:Original post by zer0wolf Seeing as how the GameDev.net Lounge has experts in EVERYTHING, I've decided to post a tidbit that I wrote earlier this evening and I would like some constructive   criticism. The story itself is irrelevent, but instead I'm inquiring on your thoughts on the writing style itself ... is it too incredibly dry? too wordy? too incoherent? Things like that.I really have to go to sleep now for work tomorrow, but I will try to remember to look it over and provide some comments for you tomorrow.Edit:  A quick glance says that I like your conversational style of writing.  I often employ something similar.  Also, you probably want "effect" instead of "affect," but I'm really kind of tired so i'm not sure if I'm not thinking properly.Good night!Edit2:  Passed, not past.  You really need to proofread just a little bit Edit3:  You are mixing up your tenses.  Check this over.. if you are using the past tense, stick with it, no present tense! You really may want to look into a basic composition refresher, because one of the first things that strikes me is that you have spelling and grammatical errors.  I'll check back tomorrow and give you some more helpful hints as far as your style, but tonight I just can't get into some of this stuff.  Just so you know, I have graduated from a very good English school (with an English degree), and had up to the highest level of creative writing for fiction writing, and did extremely well.  You can count on my criticism to mean something.  [Piebert Entertainment]------------------------------------------------------------GDSFUBY GameDev Society For UnBanning YodaTheCodaIf you want to see yoda unbanned then put this in your sig ------------------------------------------------------------DAIAGA  Dave Astle is a God Association.  To join, put this in your sig!Founder and High Priest of DAIAGA[edited by - YodaTheCoda on December 10, 2003 1:57:54 PM] [edited by - ktuluorion on February 4, 2004 10:50:51 PM] [edited by - ktuluorion on February 4, 2004 10:51:42 PM] [edited by - ktuluorion on February 4, 2004 10:54:25 PM] [edited by - ktuluorion on February 4, 2004 10:55:04 PM];  I''m no writer, but I made a quick glancing over. Your sentences tend to be long and maybe run-on. ;  It sounds a bit pompous to me.  "cans of which were formerly carriers of what some of my friends like to call..."  o_O  Try using more interesting verbs, some more adjectives, and fewer prepositions. ;  Your imagery is confusing.  Pouring a bucket of sand sideways through my brain?  What?  There are better ways to achieve the effect you're shooting for.  You're looking for something atypical, and probably slightly humerous.  Try "...and you’ve got this pain in your head like someone lit your brain on fire and put out the fire with a sack full of nails."That's not too common, and it's easier to identify with (in a weird sort of way).You're rambling (intentionally, I know), but the more words you add, the more you risk loosing your casual tone.  Be careful."the pillow that was previous(ly) supporting my head..."It's good to be descriptive, and it's good that you're flexing your vocabulary a little, but weigh the cost against the effect.  You're misusing some words.  There's no rule against it, but a floor doesn't really "obtain" a state of cleanliness.  That's too active.  Maybe "attained" or "acquired."  They're synonymous, but they don't mean the same thing.  Weird, huh?  Welcome to advanced English writing. Keep an eye on the little things.  The floor is concealed "from" your vision, not "to."  Things like that will make your writing more readable."I can’t even begin to elaborate to myself the possibilities of actions that put me here..."  Good start, but it could be better.  Do you "elaborate the possibilities?"  That is unclear.  Try something about how your weakened (possibly hung-over) mind can't begin to decipher last nights events.  Or how it's in no condition to flex its imaginative muscles.All in all I like your writing.  My advice to you is that writing is ALWAYS worth pursuing.  Not many people are naturals.  People with a desire develop.  Stick with it.   EDIT: Glaring spelling error in the first line.  *Sheepish look* Tolerance is a drug.  Sycophancy is a disease. [edited by - fisheyel83l on February 4, 2004 11:20:58 PM];  Perhaps this could help you. "The executive has no right, in any case, to decide the question, whether there is or is not cause for declaring war." -- James Madison--Father of the Constitution    [edited by - Mscgamer on February 4, 2004 11:34:39 PM];  Thanks for the responses! Here''s my attempt at replies...quote:Your imagery is confusing. Pouring a bucket of sand sideways through my brain? What? There are better ways to achieve the effect you''re shooting for. You''re looking for something atypical, and probably slightly humerous. TryIn this given circumstance I''m not so much going for an atypical feeling, but I''m describing it as I''ve felt it. When I''m massively stoned or drunk it can feel like exactly that... sand pouring sideways through my head. I''m not so sure that I worded it effectively, though.quote:It''s good to be descriptive, and it''s good that you''re flexing your vocabulary a little, but weigh the cost against the effect. You''re misusing some words. There''s no rule against it, but a floor doesn''t really "obtain" a state of cleanliness. That''s too active. Maybe "attained" or "acquired." They''re synonymous, but they don''t mean the same thing. Weird, huh? Welcome to advanced English writing.Thanks for pointing this out. I literally took 15 minutes to write this, so I didn''t think too much about it. I was just writing as it came with a hope for a quick critique to let me know where my mind should drift next.quote:It sounds a bit pompous to me.You haven''t met me  . quote:"cans of which were formerly carriers of what some of my friends like to call..." o_O Try using more interesting verbs, some more adjectives, and fewer prepositions.Okay, I was a tad verbose on that one. I was streaming my thought. That needs to be rewritten.quote:I''m no writer, but I made a quick glancing over. Your sentences tend to be long and maybe run-on. Thats intentional. I meant for it to be written the way I talk, though I agree that I most certainly dig drag a few of the concepts a little too far out.quote:Passed, not past. You really need to proofread just a little bitAgreed.quote:You really may want to look into a basic composition refresher, because one of the first things that strikes me is that you have spelling and grammatical errors.I suppose this is where I reiterate the lack of time I spent writing it. I don''t think I should spend more than 15 minutes on something if its going to come out dumb anyways. Its written as I speak, not particularly for following proper writing rules.Again, thanks for everybody''s replies. Tommorrow, when I''m not so tired, I''ll rewrite it with all of your suggestions and see how it turns out. ---------------------------------------------------laziness is the foundation of efficiencyretrospiral.net | llamas! | megatokyo | gamedev.net | googleTiffany_Smith fanboy;quote:Today is just one of those days that you wake up and wonder, “How in the hell did I get here?”You can''t say that until your reader''s engaged.  Put simply, your reader probably won''t identify with this statement until they''re already in the story.quote:Of course, you’re bound to feel that way when you wake up next to someone you don’t even begin to recognize and you’ve got this pain seeping through your head like someone’s pouring buckets of sand sideways through your brain.As another poster mentioned, this simile is rather nonsensical.quote:I can’t even begin to elaborate to myself the possibilities of actions that put me here, but I suppose this is as good of a time as any to just say fuck it and get moving anyways.Quit trying so hard.  You''re trying to hint at description.  Sometimes you need this; however, the essential aspects of the plot are better expressed explicitly.  It''s the detailing that gets the clever hinting.quote:The first obstacle to stand in my way is the cat that has seemingly decided that I have catnip buried between my toes, or at least something else that bares a similar affect, because this damned cat, with blue and red marks on her ears that I’m assuming got there from last night’s escapades, is seriously trying to eat my feet."bares a similar affect" makes no sense.  I think you meant "bears a similar effect", but I''m not sure about that either.  Furthermore, "seemingly" is useless here.The whole construction of the sentence betrays your lack of confidence in your writing (or at least your metaphors).  You need not coddle your readers with the "or at least something else..." clause.  Similarly, there''s no need for "with blue and red marks on her ears..."; we can decipher that, too.  "seriously" is ok but unnecessary.quote:I grab the pillow that was previous[ly] supporting my head and is currently stained with whatever it is that I ate last night, and boff the cat with it with enough force to send her sailing more than a few feet from the end of my bed into the panels of my wall."boff" doesn''t mean what you intend ;-)  Also, you change voice here, from 2nd to 1st person.quote:I make my way out of my cave into the living room to find that the floor has obtained a near complete concealment to my vision due to an amazing amount of cans of which were formerly carriers of what some of my friends like to fondly refer to as “liquid bread”.Is there some reason you don''t also call them liquid bread?  If not, don''t imply there is.  There''s also a strange effect whereby metaphors at the beginning of the sentence (cave) are taken literally.  This sentence is passive voice, which is bad.quote:Perhaps this liquid bread will provide me with the nourishment I need to get this day started, or perhaps not says the swishy storm in my cranium. I need the bringer of life… sex, no, I mean water.You need stronger punctuation in the beginning here.  "started.  Or perhaps not, says..." or "started; or perhaps not, says.." or something.  I''d also like to take this opportunity to point out that this is not a conversational style, as another poster suggested.quote:Apparently someone had both past out on the couch and left their arm hanging loose off of it, because I find myself somehow managing to trip on it.It''s nearly impossible to pull off identification with dispassion or detachment, if you''re striving for that, with the "...I find myself somehow...".It''s "passed out" not "past out".quote:My right foot catches, my head swishes, and my left knee buckles sending me plummeting for the floor.What does it mean for a head to swish?  I''ve only ever heard the word used in conjunction with mouthwash and basketballs.quote:My head runs through where the alarm was lying,In genera, try to limit how much you reverse time.  In particular, this is much too clever a construction for the concept.quote:Is writing something I should persue or should I stop before I make too large of an ass of myself?You''re no worse than any other novice.  More to the point, did you enjoy the experience?  If so, then do more.  If not, then don''t.  You don''t need to make a career of writing. ;  Go to Everything 2 and type Halspal into the search box. It should bring you to his homenode, and from there you can read the nodes he''s written. You should read his stuff if you want to see what good writing is like. It is just one style, but you can learn things from it. ;  I took a good number of all your suggestions and tried to implement them into the writing. What do you think of it now?---------------------------------------------Today is just one of those days that you wake up and wonder, “How in the hell did I get here?” Of course, you’re bound to feel that way when you wake up next to someone you don’t even begin to recognize and you’ve got this pain seeping through your head like someone has decided to grind sand through it. I can’t even begin to elaborate on the possibilities of actions that put me here, let alone decide which one did, but I suppose this is as good of a time as any to just say fuck it and get moving anyways.The first obstacle that stands in my way is my roommate’s cat that has seemingly decided that I have catnip buried between my toes. This damned cat, with blue and red marks on her ears, that I’m assuming got there from last night’s escapades, is seriously trying to eat my feet. It hurts. I grab the pillow that is both supporting my head and stained with whatever it is that I ate last night, and clobber the cat with it with enough force to send her sailing more than a few feet from the end of my bed and into the panels of my wall. She hits with a hissy fit and then runs from the room. I make my way out of my bedroom into the living room to find that the floor is obscured from my sight due to an amazing amount of empty cans, the kind that used to hold that lovely drink commonly referred to as liquid bread. Perhaps this liquid bread will provide me with the nourishment I need to get this day started, or perhaps not says the swishy storm in my cranium. I need the bringer of life… sex, no, I mean water.Apparently someone has both passed out on the couch and left their arm dangling loose off of it, because I find myself managing to trip on it. My right foot catches, my head swishes, and my left knee buckles sending me plummeting to the floor. My head runs through the alarm clock and into the table causing a grunt of pain from me and a decided finish to my endeavors to move. So much for getting the day started. ---------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------laziness is the foundation of efficiencyretrospiral.net | llamas! | megatokyo | gamedev.net | googleTiffany_Smith fanboy