   Women - How to get yours! (kinda long)
  Yes, I SKOTTIE, will unleash my knowledge upon thee, for you to use to whatever means you find necessary, please not for evil, the law suit I got from last time I did that wasn''t much fun, don''t want to go through that again. I know many of you are lonely, I know many of you would give your left ear, or 3rd toe on the left foot, to have one night of wild sex. I know I would...I mean...ahem...I don''t need to, because I follow the plan, the rules, the bible, the manual, the urm...qu''ran...the instruction book! Now I give it to you, listen up, daddio, because you are about to learn something, very, very, very...urm...good.So, imagine the situation, you are in your local youth person gathering place, a club, a bar, or outside k-mart. You have had a few drinks and are a bit drunk, because of the increased alcohol in your blood, and god knows what else you have put into it, and because you are a teenager going through puberty, you are as horny as a bitch on heat, in mating season. So you''re looking for a bit of action, to say the least.Then suddenly, over the dancefloor, a seductress temptress is standing there, looking all sexy and stuff. Like an angel has come down from heaven and deposited it''s heavenly delights on to this planet, or some woman gave birth to a child who grew up into a good-looking female. You see her across the dance floor, moving like a graceful thing, hair like silk, and eyes like pearls, with nice tits and ass too and with legs that go all the way up. She is wearing something that doesn''t leave much to the imagination, but still enough for you to want to see it. Basically she is a sexy momma, and you want to explore her body, you want to sex her up. I think you get the point.But the problem is, how do you get her to let you enter her life, in more ways than one. Well you could run up to her, knock her to the floor remove all her clothes and do your business, but that will get you arrested, then it will be you who will be entered by a big man named Bob or George, and really you don''t want that...or maybe you do, each to his own I suppose. Anyway, I suggest an easier way, well not easier, actually it''s the hardest thing you will ever have to do, along with quantum physics and algebra. (I swear I was away when they taught the A times tables). Just follow this easy point by point method, and good sexing.The first thing you want to do, is make yourself respectable. Zip up your fly, clean that cigarette ash off your sleeve, go to the bathroom and wash your face, preferably in water not someone’s piss. Splash on a bit of brute for men, and comb over your hair. Or you can be normal and you can skip all that, but give yourself a quick look, it might be worth emptying your bladder first though, just in case.Back to the girl, you need to make eye contact. No I don''t mean give them the evil eye, or stick your face right in front of their face, so they can see right into your brain. No, you want to make her see you and go "ohh isn''t he a handsome fellow" or "I''d like to rub his pole" or whatever women think. "Oh look at my shoes" or something. Oh I don''t know everything.Hopefully when you make eye contact, you have to then act all cool and stuff, like the Fonz. Don''t stand there with your mouth wide open, aghast that someone has looked at you, rather be cool and point, click, wink, and smile. If you plan not to get any further that is. Just don''t act like you only have one braincell and you''re a redneck. If all your smiling and being normal it works out, she will think "ohh a cool person", and smile back. She may also think "oh my god a crazed drunk person, eww he is rank" and smile back. So it can be confusing, but hell I can''t teach you anything, if you haven''t passed body language class 101, then you only have yourself to blame.Ok so, you have made eye contact, and you have acted all cool, and she is giggling and smiling, the good smiling, now what?Now you have to talk to her, unless she is deaf, then sign language is needed. So you strut over there, walk up to here and say......see that’s the problem, what the fuck do you say? Do you use a cheesy pick up line? like "Hey, I heard heaven is missing an angel" or "Hey Baby, the word of the day is legs. Spread the word". The answer is, NO! Chat-up lines like that will only get you either slapped, or laughed out of the building. Unless the girl you are after is either, as desperate as you, or a whore. So instead of behaving like you are in soon teen comedy from the eighties, act like you are...James Bond or Indiana Jones...well ok not Indiana Jones, unless you happen to be running around a jungle with boulders chasing you. But James Bond is good, well, can be. Don''t start using cheesy one liners, or pretending you are a British Spy, again that will get you slapped or instituted. Ok they don''t work.Well, if James Bond doesn''t work, and Indiana Jones doesn''t work, who do you act like? I''ll give you a hint, you know them, very well and personally, you know all their little secrets, their flaws, and their good points. You even know what they got on their midterms last year...no, not Britney Spears but true, what don''t we know about her. I''m on about yourself, it''s really is best to act like yourself, women can smell an act, like you dad can sense any change in the thermostat level in the house. They know if you are putting on a cool act to impress them, and they will laugh at you more than drunken men listening to Robin Williams last stand up video...bad example, no-one laughs at that...urm...more than Internet geeks laughing at All Your Base.So walk over there, mark your territory, no, don''t piss on her, that will come later with sexual experimentation. Just talk to her, and if you seem to be getting along, offer to buy her a drink, and just pray that when you are getting one she doesn''t run away, or worse when you have given her the drink she runs off. Now you, are chatting, having a few drinks getting along, don''t forget to swap telephone numbers, hey you may even be lucky enough to get a quickly before she runs off home.Unfortunately, you will find, thing are never perfect, be prepared to hear "No" or "Fuck off, I am calling the Police". But remember it''s them who are missing out...*cough*yeah right*cough*.Lets recap:Prepare to be RejectedClean yourself upEye ContactDon''t be an IdiotWalk Over to HerTalk to HerAct NaturalOffer Her a DrinkGet Telephone NumberSex Her UpHmm...RCEIWTNDTS...yes...RCEIWTNDTS. Easy to remember phrase... RBCEIWTNDTS...RejectedCleanEyeIdiotWalkTalkNaturalDrinkTelephoneSexJust remember RCEIWTNDTS, and all your dream will come true. 
  So I take it you''ve never exchanged a word with the opposite sex? (No, your mom is not actually of the opposite sex.) ;  ... ;  Yeah, I'd be embarassed to use my real account to post something this moronic, too. (Or are you actually new... ?)   [edited by - twix on August 10, 2003 1:34:10 PM];  kordova: this article is a couple of months old... but thats besides the point. i made it as a satire... as in it wasnt suppose to be serious. ;quote:Original post by _SKOTTIE_   kordova: this article is a couple of months old... but thats besides the point. i made it as a satire... as in it wasnt suppose to be serious.   I realized that. However, I am directing my anger at the stupid girl posts on this page towards you.SATAN.That is all.   [edited by - kordova on August 10, 2003 1:35:38 PM];  please dont. i cry myself to sleep because of people like you. ;  ... ;DIE  , TERRORIST!!  ;  i dont know why you would think that. its all in good fun. 