10 Things I Imagine Probably Happen In Taylor Swift’s ‘Squad’

Taylor Swift’s squad/collection of attractive women is old news. We all know it exists, and are constantly reminded about how glamorous and exclusive it is. However, us normal folk on the outside still can’t help but feel a little curious about what exactly goes down in the inner sanctum of Taylor-dom.

Here are just a few (very scientific) guesses as to how The Squad passes their time:

1. There’s def one uggo taking all the pictures.

Who is the poor soul that is forced to take these beautiful group snapshots? Is the squad just like, “Becky, you’re looking a little puffy today, so maybe stay behind the camera”? For every smiling, ridiculously-attractive picture of a bunch of girls in bikinis, there is one unworthy soul who was relegated to the position of cameraman/woman — probably whoever is on Tay’s shit-list at that particular moment in time.

2. You just know theyhad jackets made.

It isn’t truly a squad until matching outerwear enters the picture. They just don’t wear their jackets in public because they have to keep them clean for their secret gatherings. Perhaps the jackets say “Pink Ladies”? No, of course not, that would be ridiculous — they definitely say “Pink Women.”

3. Speaking of, there is an enforced dress code.

I’m talking a Mean Girls-style fashion edict, y’all, which states that Taylor is the only one who is allowed to wear high-waisted shorts and rock the fire engine-red lipstick. There are probably a few more rules, which somehow include enthusiasm for holiday-themed outfits. And if any of these rules are broken, YOU CAN’T SIT WITH THEM.

4. There is also a fight club.

Oh yeah, there’s absolutely some girl-on-girl combat going down. Like, the squad probably ventures down to Taylor’s dimly-lit basement in the wee hours of the morning and takes turns knocking the crap out of each other. But, we never see any evidence of this illicit activity, because the squad abides by Anchorman fight rules: no touching of the hair or face.

5. They have an emergency distress call.

The distress call sounds an awful lot like a “Hotline Bling” ringtone, just FYI. Whenever the squad gets this alert, they must speed/fly/Uber to Taylor’s side to offer their assistance during her time of need. The distress call was used numerous times during the Calvin Harris/Tom Hiddleston switchover debacle.

6. There are elected positions within the squad.

Karlie Kloss is the VP, obviously, and Swift’s best friend, Abigail Anderson, is probably the historian. Selena Gomez is … the treasurer? I have no idea. All I know is that there was voting involved, the campaigns were contentious, and there is definitely a political hierarchy within the Swift Squad.

7. There are a lot of prank calls made to Katy Perry.

Passive-aggressive pop songs are all well and good, but the squad knows that the only real way to properly neg on someone is to call them and ask if their refrigerator is running.

8. Witchcraft, probably?

Look: Cara Delevigne is totally a magical witch. We’re all in agreement on this. And, as an active member of Taylor’s squad, it only stands to reason that she would occasionally encourage her fellow Swifties to engage in a pagan ritual or two. I’m just sayin’.

9. They absolutely accidentally murdered someone and made a blood oath to keep it a secret.

It probably happened on a yacht or speedboat, like in Bloodline. And it probably happened in Florida, just like in Bloodline. But honestly, don’t watch Bloodline, it’s not that good.

10. Actually, scratch that — they definitely murder people on purpose, because they’re all hired assassins.

On second thought, after re-watching the “Bad Blood” video, I have decided that this band of powerful women probably offs people on a regular basis. In between beach hangouts and Pinterest-worthy baking sessions, these ladies have no qualms about smothering you in your sleep — if the price is right, that is. And therein lies the beauty of Taylor Swift’s squad: they look great in group photos, and they are trained killers. What’s not to love?