Dodgin’ The Draft 2012: Good Luck, Bad Luck

Posted by admin - 28/04/12 at 07:04 am

My official unofficial NFL Draft 2012 timeline:

Thursday, April 26, 2012, 4:15pm Central Time – ESPN confirms quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin III will be the first two picks in the 2012 draft, with ESPN’s NFL analysts saying Indianapolis and Washington have taken can’t-miss prospects and solved their quarterback problems. Meanwhile in Texas, two arrest warrants are issued for former NFL quarterback and 1998 #2 draft pick Ryan Leaf. Sadly, ESPN has no Irony analysts.

6:13pm – News breaks that the Minnesota Vikings have traded the third pick in the draft to Cleveland, who hope to use the pick to redraft LeBron James and make him come back to town.

7:02pm – As the show opens, it’s a dream come true for sports fans, as the background music for the draft completely overpowers Mel Kiper Draft Expert.

7:03pm – Roger Goodell opens the draft to a chorus of boos, then looks into the camera and tells Saints coach Sean Payton to turn off the TV and go to bed.

7:04pm – The Indianapolis Colts go on the clock, just like they’ve been since last May when Peyton Manning had his neck surgery. Andrew Luck cements his claim to being a “throwback” quarterback by taking the call from the Colts on a flip-phone from 2004.

7:05pm – It takes the Colts less than a minute to pick Andrew Luck. The camera pans to show a crowd of Indy fans cheering. In a bad sign, all of them are wearing jerseys from players who are no longer with the team.

7:13pm – The Redskins take quarterback Robert Griffin III from Baylor, and Redskins fans are ecstatic with their new first-round pick quarterback. Just like they were when they picked Heath Shuler, Patrick Ramsey, and Jason Campbell.

7:19pm – ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tells us he expects 7-10 trades tonight. Not to be outdone, ESPN’s Adam Schefter says he expects 12 trades, two firings, and a wife swap.

7:20pm – The Browns draft Trent Richardson, who seems under-joyed to be headed to Cleveland. It takes Chris Berman less than a minute to bring up Jim Brown. When you have to go back 47 years to make a comparison at a position, things have been pretty bad.

7:32pm – Jacksonville trades up to the fifth pick to take wide receiver Justin Blackmon. Mel Kiper Draft Expert tells us about Blackmon’s skill set. Since the Jags have previously used first round picks on receivers Matt Jones, Reggie Williams, and R. Jay Soward, the main skill they’re hoping for from Blackmon is “staying in the league.”

7:37pm – Dallas takes Morris Claiborne. ESPN spends two minutes talking about how good a player he is, then Jon Gruden unveils a two-minute video clip of Claiborne missing tackles. Gruden’s the kind of guy who’ll wait until your first bite of cheeseburger, then tell you how many calories are in it.

7:51pm – The Dolphins pick Texas A&M’s Ryan Tannehill, reuniting him with his former college coach Mike Sherman, who’s now Miami’s offensive coordinator. That’s an interesting conversation in Miami’s war room. “Hey Mike, what do you think about that kid you had last year when you weren’t very good and got fired?” It’s like Charlie Sheen recommending Chuck Lorre for a job.

8:18pm – Arizona takes receiver Michael Floyd, who’s thrilled to be playing alongside his mentor, Larry Fitzgerald. Oh, and catching passes from some guy he wouldn’t have had on his fantasy football team last season.

8:30pm – Seattle takes pass-rushing specialist Bruce Irvin, which ESPN’s analysts describe as bringing a new element to the team. Since the Seahawks don’t currently employ a high-school dropout who got arrested within 24 hours of his Pro Day, that’s an accurate assessment.

8:40pm – The Jets take Quinton Coples, which leads Gruden to describe him as “flexible, he can really bend and twist and turn his body.” Apparently Gruden’s research also includes detailed scouting reports on Twister.

8:48pm – Cincinnati takes Dre Kirkpatrick, getting a player so ready to fit into the Bengals system that he’s already been arrested this calendar year.

9:02pm – Adam Schefter announces New England is moving up in a trade.

9:08pm – Tennessee picks receiver Kendall Wright with the twentieth pick. In response, current Titans receiver Kenny Britt sets a personal goal not to get arrested so much.

9:12pm – Cleveland drafts 28 year-old quarterback Brandon Weeden, and a discussion of his age begins. Apparently in the NFL, being 28 makes you old enough to date Betty White.

9:19pm – Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson comes on stage to show off his new Madden Football cover, which means he’s due for some “Raiders of the Lost Ark” style curse to hit him any moment now.

9:23pm – The Patriots trade up for the second time in the last half hour, just to show they can.

9:44pm – The Minnesota Vikings attempt to use the 29th pick to draft a new stadium.

10:04pm – The World Champion New York Giants take running back David Wilson, ending the first round of the 2012 Draft. Except for the next hour of ESPN’s coverage of course.

10:07pm – The Patriots trade up into the second segment of SportsCenter.

This entry was posted
on Saturday, April 28th, 2012 at 7:31 am and is filed under Sports.
The entry is tagged under You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

For those of you who are fans of sports, commercials, controversy, halftime shows, fistfights, and all of the other things that go into a Super Bowl, my annual award-winning* Super Bowl Timeline is up now at ProjectShanks.com, featuring lines like… 9:57pm – The Seahawks get a miracle catch to get the ball down inside the […]

For those of you looking for some extra comedy in your daily diet, I’m doing a wine review column for Project Shanks.com. And as some of you know, I didn’t actually drink any alcohol until I was forty, so bear in mind that everything I taste goes down pretty awful.