Day 125 of 365

I was with a man for 2 years until I finally left him, part him, part me finally realizing what he was doing to me. I’ve stopped blaming myself now but I’m still coming to terms with it because of the manipulation I blamed myself for a long time, he was an almost script like narcissist. When I met him I was a confident 21 year old, an actor, full of beans as the term goes. By the end of it I was a nervous wreck, constantly degrading myself and wishing I had never let it go on for so long, but knowing that he had persuaded me fully I was worth nothing without him.

It started a week into us being together, he accused me of sleeping with my ex because I didn’t have a bus ticket to prove I had been out with my friends, this was not only a massive warning but as I’d known him for months I though he was just being silly and it would blow over, he made me feel good when I was with him, he’s been kind and thoughtful for the entire Tim’s of us dating so I assumed he was just being silly and jealous. He was incredibly apologetic and came to my house crying saying how sorry he was and how much I meant to him. I forgave him, then 4 months later it went to hell. He hated my friends without meet them and if I even went out I would get at least 50 missed phone calls and a barrage of messages, they weren’t good enough for me, they were a bad influence, I wasn’t me when I was with them.

Then the sex, if I was tired (I worked a night job and had college in the day) he would bully me, he said I didn’t love him and would go into fits of rage if I said no. So I just gave in, if he wasn’t happy with my performance he would walk out of the room and tell me to finish myself off. If I cried for any reason what so ever he would tell me to stop being stupid. He would hold hands with other girls, flirt and email his ex’s asking to get back together and I stood by because ‘I was being jealous and petty, I started it all because I wanted attention’ after all how would I love without him, no one else would want me, in had no talent, I wasn’t pretty enough, I would wasn’t like his ex.

I remember he tore me down there because he wanted it and I wasn’t in the mood, I went to the clinic and they asked me over and over and over again if I’d been raped and I didn’t know being pressured was rape. He loved me. The moment I got in the door he demanded sex and of I tried, I begged him to be gentle and I would comply, he wasn’t, I cried, and he screamed at me ‘why have you always got to ruin the fucking mood.’ Maybe if I slept with him more he wouldn’t have to chase other girls he wouldn’t get mad at me. This went on for the rest of the relationship, he’d being me up and drop me down and I lost myself in it. When my dad went into a coma he told me he didn’t have time to deal with my shit and I stayed because I wasn’t worth anything and no one else would love me like he did. He wasn’t there during that time, in fact he wasn’t there till after. My mum was incredibly depressed after what had happened with my dad (they have been together since they were 16 and being apart was heart breaking, we were told he would pass away over 6 times while he was in ICY) I tried to talk to him about it because I was so oblivious and so manipulated by him I thought he’d care. ‘I’m terrified Mum might do something silly if Dad passes away’ ‘yeah, well you don’t give me enough blow jobs.’ That, right there, was the place, also 2 years on I realized I had to leave him, the glass shattered, but at the same time I had a mile stone of self-loathing, mind warped bull shit to get over, because it is NOT easy to leave someone like that. To a degree, he made it easy in the end, I found him in bed with the girl he’d been telling me I was acting crazy over, one of the many, on our two year anniversary.

Leaving him was not easy, I was terrified of sex and the thought others might get angry at me, go off handle because I hadn’t cleaned right, I hadn’t made the right noise, I hadn’t cooked the right meal, I hadn’t looked the right way, I’d spoken to a stranger about anything. I was terrified he was right, I’d be alone forever. I’m not. The friends I lost back then who took sides because he’s charming, they weren’t my friends. I made wonderful new friends and this who are still around are the best I could ask for. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. I cried and I pined and damn near destroyed myself trying to get his words out of my head and the phobias that came with it.

2 years later, I’m in a better place, I got a wonderful job full of sassy strong minded people, they helped me. They’re wonderful take no shit people and I love them with all my heart. I finally got to a point where I could date again and ended up with a lovely kind man who has listened and helped, granted at the start he was a bit shocked when he made a joke comment and I broke down crying and apologizing profusely, but after I explained what I had been though he didn’t tell me to get over it or to stop being pathetic, he held me in his arms and showed the sensitivity I never thought I would ever see again.

I’m not saying a new man fixes anything, I was the people around me, partner or not who listened and listened until I was all out of words that not only kept me alive but kept me away from ever thinking of going back to him again, god knows he tried and still is until this day. Without the support of my friends, they le and new, my own will growing back and even the kindness of strangers on helplines, I don’t actually think I’d be here now. It was hard, but getting away from him was the best decision I made, though I fully understand it is not the safest or realistic thing for anyone. I wish everyone love and to please take care, these people thrive of making you feel like nothing and making you scared, just know even if I don’t know you my heart is with you