If you're a Catholic woman who's had an abortion and are interested in no longer being excommunicated, you should make your way to Madrid — fast. In a special, limited-time offer, the church is making it easier for those who confess to having an abortion to obtain absolution and rejoin the church.

The Onion reports that the Pope had a confab with Jesus and a girl named Sheila and decided abortion's cool, birth control is important, masturbation is the bomb and forgiveness is beautiful. [The Onion]