Sunday, November 2, 2014

My Speech When I Come Back from Winning the Nobel Prize in Literature

I can't wait to have more time to do my own personal projects and finally win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

When I come back from winning it, here is my speech to you, my countrymen:

Well, hello, there. See this thing around my neck? To the monkeys and baboons, this is what is called the Nobel Prize. I won it for literature, which proves that I am the Greatest Mind of the 21st Century.

All you fuckers may kiss the ground beneath my feet, AFTER I have walked on it and not during or before. Especially not during me walking on this earth, or that earth or whatever.

To all of those who wish to say something to me, I say this - shut up. Did you win the Nobel Prize? Do you have the Nobel Prize hanging from your neck? No? Then shut the fuck up.

I would like to take this opportunity, to make fun of idiots I have met in this country. You will all be the subject of my next book, called "Spiteful Idiots I've Met and Why They Should Die by Insertion of Hot Metal Through the Anus".

It will be a grand book which celebrates intelligence and good grace, while highlighting, in stark contrast, the buffoons and actual, literal baboons most of you are. And why you should all die by insertion of hot metal through the ass.

I must also be gracious and admit to my own failings, as all great literary figures are wont to do. I admit that I have always believed, deep in my heart, that everyone is stupid, except me. This belief is fueled by the fact that it is true. A fact proven by this thing around my neck. What's it called, again? Oh, yes, a Nobel Prize.

What is that? You want to adapt my writings to songs and movies? A theatrical play? Well, now. I do not believe that anyone other than Jean-Pierre Jeunet has even the bare minimum mental capacity to grasp my work, let alone translate it to other mediums.

So, no.

Oh? And what are my plans afterwards? Well, I am not gay or anything, but I would like to spend the next 50 years sitting at home. While I write "Spiteful Idiots I've Met and Why They Should Die by Insertion of Hot Metal Through the Anus".

Also, I would like to make a request. Since our education system is so bad, I would like to call for the bottom 99% to be killed immediately. This will ensure that I only get to meet smart people and never have to suffer from the sight, sound or the fury of idiots ever again.