anchor.diff:  
   ***
   
  -This pattern of conflict continues in my language studies. Finnish is a language packed to the gills with syntax, and teachers who teach it blindly with little concern as to the semantics, and often no knowledge of how to even explain it. In my early studies at first it seemed like I was indeed learning quite quickly, but soon found my actualy comprehension of Finnish, especially in the real world, was far slower to catch up with. Time and again in my language studies I am met with patronizing praise from teacher after teacher for how well I'm doing, when all the while I barely comprehend the most basic conversations in Finnish.
  +This pattern of conflict continues in my language studies. Finnish is a language packed to the gills with syntax, and teachers who teach it blindly with little concern as to the semantics, and often no knowledge of how to even explain it. In my early studies at first it seemed like I was indeed learning quite quickly, but soon found my actual comprehension of Finnish, especially in the real world, was far slower to catch up. Time and again in my language studies I am met with patronizing praise from teacher after teacher for how well I'm doing, when all the while I barely comprehend the most basic conversations in Finnish.
   
  -In Finland, in order to apply for full citizenship, you must take what a language proficiency test. Normally this test costs upwards of 130€, but if you are in certain language courses and your teacher is sufficiently confident in your ability to pass it, you can apply to take it through your course for free. 
  +In Finland, in order to apply for full citizenship, you must take what a language proficiency test. Normally this test costs upwards of 130€, but if you are in certain language courses and your teacher is sufficiently confident in your ability to pass it, they can give you a form to apply to take it through your course for free. 
   
   A few weeks ago, my teacher handed me that application form.
   
  
positive.code: 
  And then today, we spent half the class making children's building blocks out of matchsticks and paper. 
  
  I don't want to be a kid again. 
  
  ***
  
  
negative.code: 
  If I dared defend myself, which I was prone, perhaps foolishly, to do in such instances, the argument would escalate until the threats came out. She would threaten me with divorce, knowing full well what a situation that would put me in as an immigrant. When I asked her once after all these years if she knew what she'd been hanging over my head, she just said yes, but "it was the only way I could get you to listen."
  
  When the end finally came, and the divorce papers were filed, she found other things to throw at me. She called me ungrateful, denied I'd ever loved her, accused me of using her. For the first time in two years of marriage, suddenly even my abilities as a lover were not off the table, just one more thing to lash out with to try to break down what was left of my self-confidence. 
  
  Deprived of the ability to further threaten me with divorce, she instead would threaten me with homelessness, and even the police. In the last argument I ever had with her, she even implied she and her parents could contact the police and tell them I'd "lied" and have me deported.
  
  Even now, writing those words, admitting those words in public, makes me shake a little with fear. And my heart still struggles to shake off the weight of all these sources telling me how worthless, incompetent, and unwanted I am. 
  
  