anchor.diff:  
   But you know what? That sad fat old man can go fuck himself. He's not me. He's merely an illusion, a devil's collaboration between outside and in designed to keep me in place and in check.
   
  -I am not a sad fat old man. I'm not that fat, I'm not nearly old enough to be "old," and in truth I actually haven't been all that sad lately. I realized the other day that, for the first time in longer than I can precisely determine, I have in fact had quite a few days in which I was genuinely happy. 
  +I am not a sad fat old man. I'm not that fat, I'm not nearly old enough to be "old," and in truth I actually haven't been all that sad lately. I realized the other day that, for the first time in longer than I can precisely determine, that I have in fact had quite a lot of days lately in which I was genuinely happy. 
   
  -Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I think it's about time I put modesty aside and gave an honest self-inventory. As a society we are taught never to value you ourselves too highly in public, while at the same being endlessly shamed for our failures. To which I would like to say, "Fuck you, I'm great."
  +Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I think it's about time I put modesty aside and gave an honest self-inventory. As a society we are taught never to value ourselves too highly in public, while at the same being endlessly shamed for our failures. To which I would like to say, "Fuck you, I'm great."
   
   Herein then, is a short list of my talents, better natures, and life accomplishments:
   
  
positive.code: 
  If I dared defend myself, which I was prone, perhaps foolishly, to do in such instances, the argument would escalate until the threats came out. She would threaten me with divorce, knowing full well what a situation that would put me in as an immigrant. When I asked her once after all these years if she knew what she'd been hanging over my head, she just said yes, but "it was the only way I could get you to listen."
  
  When the end finally came, the divorce papers filed, she found other things to throw at me. She called me ungrateful, denied I'd ever loved her, accused me of using her. For the first time in two years of marriage, suddenly even my abilities as a lover were not off the table. Deprived of the ability to further threaten me with divorce, she instead would threaten me with homelessness, and even the police. In the last ever argument I ever had with her, she even implied she and her parents could contact the police and tell them I'd "lied" and have me deported.
  
  Even now, writing those words, admitting those words in public, makes me shake a little with fear. And my heart still struggles to shake off the weight of all these sources telling me how worthless, incompetent, and unwanted I am. 
  
  
negative.code: 
  * I am a good programmer. I am not the most knowledgable nor the most experienced, but hell I've only been at this damn coding thing for a year and already I've learned and done things I'm genuinely surprised I even managed in such a short space of time. I should stop getting so overwhelmed by the complexity of big things and learn to build on things part by part. 
  
  * I'm actually pretty funny, dammit. I sometimes wish I was "always on" the way some funny guys are, but I can crack up a room from time to time. I've felt for years like there's a funnier me in there that only sometimes gets let out the box, and I'm just too scared to let him out more often. I've contemplated doing standup for years. Hell I've been piecing together a few bits in my head lately. 
  
  * I've got a heart three sizes too big and it's killing me being alone again. For all the accusations and the recriminations, I was faithful and even cared up to the end in my marriage. It took *all of that*, all the anger and strife and threats and abuse, to make me fall out of love with my wife. I still wasn't even sure I wanted to leave yet until things truly got nasty. I can't imagine what I could be for someone who didn't insult me and threaten me with poverty and exile. I can be compassionate, attentive, and even charming when my guard is down, and I hope someday soon I'll get to be that again.
  
  