anchor.diff:  
   * I am a good programmer. I am not the most knowledgable nor the most experienced, but hell I've only been at this damn coding thing for a year and already I've learned and done things I'm genuinely surprised I even managed in such a short space of time. I should stop getting so overwhelmed by the complexity of big things and learn to build on things part by part. 
   
  -* I'm actually pretty funny, dammit. I sometimes wish I was "always on" the way some funny guys are, but I can crack up a room from time to time. I've felt for years like there's a funnier me in there that only sometimes gets let out the box, and I've contemplated doing standup for years. Hell I've been doing it again lately. 
  +* I'm actually pretty funny, dammit. I sometimes wish I was "always on" the way some funny guys are, but I can crack up a room from time to time. I've felt for years like there's a funnier me in there that only sometimes gets let out the box, and I'm just too scared to let him out more often. I've contemplated doing standup for years. Hell I've been piecing together a few bits in my head lately. 
   
   * I've got a heart three sizes too big and it's killing me being alone again. For all the accusations and the recriminations, I was faithful and even cared up to the end in my marriage. It took *all of that*, all the anger and strife and threats and abuse, to make me fall out of love with my wife. I still wasn't even sure I wanted to leave yet until things truly got nasty. I can't imagine what I could be for someone who didn't insult me and threaten me with poverty and exile. I can be compassionate, attentive, and even charming when my guard is down, and I hope someday soon I'll get to be that again.
   
  
positive.code: 
  And then today, we spent half the class making children's building blocks out of matchsticks and paper. 
  
  I don't want to be a kid again. 
  
  ***
  
  
negative.code: 
  ***
  
  This pattern of conflict continues in my language studies. Finnish is a language packed to the gills with syntax, and teachers who teach it blindly with little concern as to the semantics, and often no knowledge of how to even explain it. In my early studies at first it seemed like I was indeed learning quite quickly, but soon found my actual comprehension of Finnish, especially in the real world, was far slower to catch up. Time and again in my language studies I am met with patronizing praise from teacher after teacher for how well I'm doing, when all the while I barely comprehend the most basic conversations in Finnish.
  
  In Finland, in order to apply for full citizenship, you must take what a language proficiency test. Normally this test costs upwards of 130€, but if you are in certain language courses and your teacher is sufficiently confident in your ability to pass it, they can give you a form to apply to take it through your course for free. 
  
  A few weeks ago, my teacher handed me that application form.
  
  