"Redneck Neighbor"

Page last edited on April 11, 2002

In case you're wondering, this Web page is about my next-door neighbors. Since my neighbors have been driving me crazy and no amount of civilized reasoning and/or negotiations have worked - I have decided to dedicate a small corner of cyber-space to them.

My family and friends are constantly asking me to tell them the "latest" thing my neighbor has done so this page will save me from repeating myself. Besides, I thought it would be fun. Everything you read here is entirely true, that's what makes it so funny. Enjoy!

Background:

My neighbors moved into the house next to ours in October 1997. It's a brand new neighborhood with new houses. Everyone's house looks beautiful but that's about to change. The new neighbors seem like normal people until shortly after they move in (more later).

First, let me say that my redneck neighbor is not destitute or under-privileged. The guy owns a business, drives VERY nice new cars, he just doesn't care about his house. In order to protect the ignorant, we'll call him John Doe # 8 or JD8 for short.

October 1997 - They are here!

Well, it should have been a sign of things to come but my neighbors move into their brand new house. Inventory: 1 artificial Christmas tree, clothes, stereo system, TV, no furniture). The Christmas tree is nicely decorated (remember, it's October). We can tell what the tree looks like because the windows have no miniblinds so at night, you can see right into the house as you drive up. They have also decided to wrap some strands of Christmas lights around their front porch railing. I guess there's no electric outlet nearby because they never turn these lights on.

October 1997 - 1st Home beautification project

It's dark outside, I'm standing in front of my house and my neighbor does the following: He gets in his car, drives it up to the house on the other side of my house (this house is still being built). He backs his car up to the construction site and opens the trunk. He calmly proceeds to load up the trunk with bricks and 2x4s. Pretty clever, huh?

The following night, at around 9:00pm he decides it's time to build a mailbox post. It's very nice. He used the stolen 2x4s from the previous night. It looks like it's made out of 2x4s except he didn't steal any that were long enough so he nails a couple of them together to get the correct height - I mean, it has to look just right! The mailbox post is not very sturdy so he braces it with an additional 2x4 (at an angle). Click here to see the mailbox (no bracing 2x4 though).

He uses the bricks as edging for his flower beds. They look nice. Especially with the newly planted bamboo trees and the ten gallon fish tank (no fish, just water).

November 1997 - The fence!

I wake up to my wife telling me, "Hey, it looks like JD8 is working on a fence". Well I don't think much of it until she tells me that he's trying to build a fence around the entire house (front and back) and that the fence is going to be chain-link. We have some "covenant rules" that prohibit you from putting up a silver chain-link fence. Also, you cannot have any fence go past the back of your house. By now, I am freaking out. I can see the property value falling faster than his mailbox post.

Anyway, I get to work and at 9:01AM I call our builder. I explain the situation to him and he agrees to pay JD8 a visit before the concrete around the metal posts dries. Sure enough, I get home after work and the posts around the front of the house are laying on the street. Not exactly what I expected but at least they're out of the ground. Tragedy is averted for now.

A few days later I realize he's not putting up chain-link but "chicken wire". Call # 2 to the builder. While talking on the phone, the builder starts referring to the neighbor in a less-than-amicable fashion – someone else on my side!

By that afternoon, the fence is chain-link again. The top of the fence looks like a wave (he didn't want to spend the 6 bucks on a level), and the sides look like an S. Very crafty guy. Total estimated fence cost: $250.00 - but wait! -- He didn't set all the metal posts in concrete! Actual cost: $62.50. You get the idea here.

Sometime after the fence

Well, it's time to give Cujo