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Serenity in 2000 Words or Less

by Ron Swartzendruber

(With apologies to Joss Whedon, and to the author of "The Silmarillion in 1000 Words".)

WARNING

Contains many major spoilers; do not link to this page without a warning!

If you read this before you see the movie, you will hate yourself!

(And if you can't stand to see this movie spoofed, you'll hate me. Even worse, you'll have to live with the knowledge that I don't care.)

And so, without further ado...

TEACHER: We're the Alliance. We're good and noble and only want to help everybody, and we'll totally kick your ass if you dare say different.

YOUNG RIVER: I don't care, you're meddlesome and you poke things into people's heads.

TEACHER: No we don't. *Pokes pen into River's head*

DOCTOR: Ah, she's dreaming again. *Pokes probe into River's head*

SIMON IN MILITARY DRAG: Do I make you nervous?

SIMON FANS: Awwwww, isn't he CUTE?

SIMON: *Stuns everybody with some funky device and rescues River*

OPERATIVE: Freeze frame.

DOCTOR: How dare you watch my video!

OPERATIVE: You idiot, you put key members of Parliament in a room with a psychic! You should fall on your sword.

DOCTOR: I don't have a sword.

OPERATIVE: *draws sword*

DOCTOR: Gulp.

OPERATIVE: *kills guards, paralyzes doctor with Secret Vulcan Hip Pinch, kneels with sword upraised* This is a good death. We're building a better world. And I'm a total fucking psychopath.

DOCTOR: *Falls on sword* Gurk!

OPERATIVE: Now where are you hiding, little girl?

JOSS WHEDON: Wasn't that a cool bunch of transitions? Now watch the intro scene designed for people who haven't seen the series! I promise you'll like it anyway!

SERENITY: *Flies through space, goes in for re-entry*

FANS: Woo-hoo!

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THE SERIES: Why is everybody cheering?

SERENITY: *loses piece off her nose*

MAL: What was that?

WASH: This is going to be interesting. By the way, if you saw the series, you know I'm the lovable, mild-mannered pilot with a deadpan sense of humor.

MAL: Define "Interesting."

WASH: (deadpan) Oh god, oh god, we're all going to die?

FANS SEEING THE MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME: LOL! Even if Whedon kills off a character, as he's been known to do, it couldn't possibly be Wash!

FANS SEEING THIS AGAIN BECAUSE JOSS WHEDON IS OUR MASTER: Whedon, you bastard!

JAYNE: I'm a badass with lots of big guns. If you saw the series, you know there's a town where they think I'm like Robin Hood.

ZOE: I'm a bigger badass than he'll ever be, even though I only have one gun. If you saw the series, you know I fought in the big war with Mal and then married Wash.

KAYLEE: I'm the cute, happy, earthy mechanic. If you saw the series you know I totally want to jump Simon's bones.

SIMON: You can't take my sister along on this dangerous job!

MAL: Watch me. River, do you know what you're doing?

RIVER: Do you?

MAL: Pffft. This is what I do.

Joss Whedon: Yeah, baby. This is what I do.

FANS: WOW! That shot went on for like ten minutes without a single cut! That was way cool! Wait a minute, where are Inara and Book?

JAYNE: Let's be bad guys.

GUARD: You need authorization!

JAYNE: *Opens fire*

GUARD: OK!

MAL: Shiny!

RIVER: *Goes into a fit*

JAYNE: Reavers!

REAVERS: GRAAAR!

EVERYBODY ELSE: Run away like little girls!

MAN FROM BAR