The Sims Reviewed: It's Completely Unlike Sea Monkeys

October 3rd, 2000 Gary: Hey man, what's wrong? You are bawling like a baby there at your Mac. Randy: They got a divorce. After all those years of hard work and building a future together they go and get a divorce. Gary: Oh wow. I'm so sorry man. Is it your folks? Randy: No, they divorced when I was like three. Like I'd still be crying about that. What kind of weepy jerk do you think I am? I'm talking about my Sim family the Spudheads. After working so hard on them they went and split up on me. Gary: You really do need therapy, my friend. Randy: I poured my love and attention into their house. I bought them nice things. Even an iMac! Gary: At least you are sane when it comes to computers. Randy: I added rooms to their house. I put in a pool in the backyard for Pete's sake! Gary: Sounds like your Sims have a better pad than we do. Randy: I even gave them other people to play with. Who wouldn't be happy living right next door to a house full of lesbian roommates? Who!? I ask you!? Gary: Uh, I think I am beginning to see where your Spudhead household may have gone wrong. Just backup and explain for the edification of our readers exactly how you created this utopia on acid called the Spudhead house. Randy: Well, as you know my, latest addiction has been The Sims from Aspyr and ported to the Mac by Westlake Interactive. Gary: Hummm, I would have thought it was Krispy Kreme Doughnuts judging by the boxes all over your end of the cave, but do go on. Randy: The Sims is the people simulator from Maxis, the original creators of Sim City. And much like Sim City your goal is to simulate real life, but on a much smaller scale. Gary: How small are we talking here, like sea monkeys small? Randy: More like on a neighborhood scale. You can populate a neighborhood with prefab Sim families or create families of your own. And when I say families I use the term loosely. You can have just one person in a "family" or several people in a "nontraditional family", such as my lovely family of four women, the Bootycallers. Gary: The Bootycallers. That's nice. I'm sure Mrs. Spudhead was just thrilled when "the Bootycaller" girls moved in next door.


A Sim is born! Randy: Oddly enough she was not. But I tried to make all the girls in the Bootycall house outgoing and playful so they'd make friends. When you create a new person in The Sims you can control five personality traits all in all. Neat, Outgoing, Active, Playful and Nice. And believe me it's pretty important to try and balance your Sims traits or you will wind up with unexpected personalities. Gary: Let me guess. The playful girls at the Bootycall house are not much for neatness. Randy: Yeah, it got so bad they refused to go inside the house after a few weeks. But they loved to hang out at the Spudhead's house. Gary: Sure, why not. They have a pool! Randy: Exactly! Gary: I hope you didn't put a gun in the Spudhead's house, because I would imagine Mrs. Spudhead is going right for it about this time. Randy: Because The Sims is a family game there are no firearms available, and no nudity for that matter. Naked Sims in the bathroom are discretely fuzzed out. Gary: Dang! Randy: But there are plenty of other things you can buy for your Sims if you have the cash. In fact the nicer you make your Sims digs the happier they are. And the whole point of the game is to keep your Sims happy, washed and well fed. After you pick your family you move them into a house or you can buy an empty lot and build your house from scratch. But you only get twenty thousand bucks to start the game.

Sure the place is small but you can always add more rooms later. Gary: Actually you don't get dollars you get 20 K of Sim money called, Simoleons, of course. Randy: Right. And that money has to buy everything you need to get started. Beds, chairs, bathtubs, sinks, lights, coffee maker and lava lamp. Everything. I had to start my houses off modestly. But once my Sims looked in the newspaper and surfed the web on their computers, they got jobs and started making money. Which is a good thing, since your Sims won't have any food once they run out of money. Gary: Sounds like college. Randy: The trick is to balance your Sims personal time so they