There are people who willing choose to listen to Sublime. Think about that.

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So what can you do?

Haha, wouldn't it be amazing if I actually had a one-sentence cure for the plague of the industrialized world? The closest I could offer would be "Have you tried just not giving a shit?" but that won't do. You have to give a certain number of shits just to stay alive. For every truly carefree person I know, there's a nervous friend or family member who has to keep a "bail out my carefree friend" fund on hand for the next time that free spirit gets an eviction notice.

No, my plan is slightly more detailed, in that it has two parts instead of just the one:

1. Recognize that your attention is a limited resource which must be spent carefully ... and that pushing yourself too hard can put you in the fucking ground.

2. Realize that a lot of the things clamoring for your attention are the equivalent of inbox spam.

That is, it's junk mail sent by other people to trick you into feeling anxious in a way that will indirectly benefit them. The key is learning to filter it.

So if anxiety is intended to be a motivator for positive action, then you must only spend it on things that you can actually affect with action. Otherwise, it's spam. Examples:

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-- You are made to feel ashamed about a personal attribute you have no control over (height, facial features, penis girth, race, gender, sexuality).

-- You are upset because a person you are very nice to doesn't enjoy your company (you have no power over others' response to you).

-- You feel a jolt of anger in your gut every time a religious/political/cultural group you find repulsive shows up in your news feed, upsetting you with their mere existence.

Now, if the thing you are having anxiety about is something you can affect with action but is someone else's agenda, it's also spam. Examples:

-- Someone is trying to shame you over your job/partner/body, even though you yourself are happy with them.

-- Someone is trying to shame you for the harmless hobbies you enjoy.

-- Someone is trying to shame you because your life doesn't look exactly like theirs.

You must learn to use the same technique taught in rehab and anger management classes: You have to stop, step outside of the emotion, and say, "I am feeling anxiety about this. Should I?"

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If the answer is no, you can now deploy that psychological trump card known as Not Giving A Shit.

It's not easy. It's a skill you'll have to practice for the rest of your life. Still, recognizing the need to do it is a massive step, since most of us accept anxiety as the background noise of everyday life (to the point where we actually get confused when it's not there, the way city folk get freaked out by natural silence when they try to go camping). This technique requires you to regard your own peace of mind as a precious resource that is under continuous assault, and to reflexively defend it. A sort of martial art of the mind which involves strategically deploying or withholding your shit-giving as needed. I call it Noshitsu.

But be warned: Your enemies have been honing their techniques for a very long time. Still, with vigilance and repetition, I know for a fact that you, too, can become a Noshitsu master. Then, hopefully, you can come back and teach me.

David Wong is executive editor of Cracked and a New York Times bestselling author. His award-winning novel Futuristic Violence And Fancy Suits is available right here.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: to get there you'd have to cross a bridge. Sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy, if you fell off you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer as they discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

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