Psychology has about as many opinions about human nature as the S.A.B.P.C has about which bassist or bass is the best. This column takes a satirical look at some of the main movements in psychology by asking each to answer the following question:


Why do people play the bass?


Freudian Psychoanalysis. The individual plays the bass due to subconscious sexual and aggressive drives. The bass is a phallic symbol that masks the anxiety that resulted from the (male) bassist's fear as a young child that his father would castrate him because of his amorous feelings towards his mother. For the female bassist, the bass compensates for penis envy.


Adlerian Psychoanalysis . Playing the bass is a way of overcoming feelings of inferiority caused in the childhood.


Behaviourism . The individual has no choice whether or not he or she wants to play the bass. He or she has been conditioned to do so and therefore does it.


Cognitive psychology . Playing the bass is the result of an intricate network of inherent and learnt information processing mechanisms. The individual takes into account a wide variety of information and then makes the decision to play the bass.


Humanistic psychology . Individuals play the bass in their process of becoming a whole and mature being. Playing the bass helps him or her to fulfil needs for self-actualisation, fulfil his or her potential, and have peak experiences. Thus, the bass helps the player to grow and develop as a unique human being.


Existential psychology. Playing the bass is the individual's choice, an expression of his or her complete individual freedom. However, this freedom also makes it his or her responsibility to play the bass. Finally, It also helps the individual to cope with the fact that he or she will inevitably die.


Physiological psychology . Playing the bass is the result of the interactions among brain structures and chemical and electric impulses stimulated in the brain.


Abnormal psychology . The voices make them do it.


Logotherapy . The individual plays the bass because he or she finds meaning in it. Without that meaning, life is a deep dark pit of despair. Thus, the bass saves the individual from committing suicide and helps him or her to transcend everyday life towards an ultimate meaning.


Evolutionary psychology . The bassist (Homo Bassist Superior) is the result of many millennia of evolution from the species Homo Inferior Drummer and Homo Neanderthal Guitarist. The principle of natural selection states that only the strong survive, which guarantees the continued existence of this rare breed.


Phenomenological psychology . We can only understand why the individual plays the bass by asking him or her. There is no universal reason or subjective truth that says why people play the bass - every individual is unique.


Experimental psychology . To answer that question, we will draw a representative sample from the population of bass players and divide it into two equal groups. One group will receive an intervention, the other won't. Thereafter, we will use advanced statistical procedures to determine if the groups are significantly different. If they are, then we know that people play the bass because of the experimental effect. If they are not, you messed up the experiment.


Feminist psychology . Men play the bass because it is an instrument through which they can maintain the patriarchal status quo of society and thus keep suppressing women. To correct this inequality, the bass has to change fundamentally. Women have to break the glass ceiling and take what is rightfully theirs – the bass.


Developmental psychology . Someone plays the bass because of the stage of development, or critical life stage, he or she is in. Playing the bass is a critical event in itself, which causes changes in the individual's personality.


Social psychology. Playing the bass is the result of the actual, imagined, or implied presence of others. In other words, they made me do it (this fits people who play the bass because everyone else in the band told them to).


Social constructionist psychology . We can't be sure that they are playing the bass. The bass has been socially constructed through language and is thus only played if people say they do. We never ask why.


Community psychology. The question is not why people play the bass. The question is how can we help everyone to own a bass?


Pop psychology . If you really want to know the answer to the question, look deep inside yourself, and then buy my book, "Why the bass? A guide to self-improvement" for only R99995 (VAT and P&P excl.). If you call now, you will get five cents off the delivery costs! That's right: FIVE CENTS!


Industrial/organisational psychology . Did someone say play? Get back to work!


Now, next time people ask you why you play that thingie with the four strings and not a real instrument