What is codependency? The term itself came from the rooms of AA. The alcoholic or addict is dependent on substance and the co-dependent is dependent to person. The definition of the term has broadened from its AA roots. A co-dependent relationship as defined by the Oxford dictionary as a dysfunctional relationship where one person has an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. The problems in the relationship will be taken on completely by the partner. The partner in this relationship will shield the person and protect the person. The partner will try to deny the problem or try to fix the problem or take responsibility for the problem.
Codependency is hard because it often comes out of an understanding that this is what love is. In counseling sessions that is where people keep coming back to saying, “but I love her” or “if I didn’t do this, it wouldn’t get done.” The work of untangling codependence is setting boundaries, reclaiming your life and letting go of that which is not your responsibility. Sometimes, it is redefining love.
I think it would be helpful to look at some of the characteristics of co-dependence. Some of the characteristics can be denial, low self-esteem, control patterns and enabling. Denial is when the co-dependent has a hard time defining his/her needs; consistently minimizes his/her needs and perceives himself or herself as completely unselfish. Some clients when asked can’t articulate what their needs are and have a hard time asking for what is important to them. The client will sometimes say “My job is to take care of everyone.” Being helpful and supportive in any relationship is important but when it comes at the cost of someone’s own well-being, it is worth looking at the behavior and asking “Is it healthy for me? Or my loved ones?”
Low self-esteem. If you feel you are part of a co-dependent relationship, there are questions to ask yourself. Do you judge most of the things you say and do as not good enough and do you seek other’s approval of your thinking, feelings and behavior over your own? I had a client say to me, “I like being a caretaker and not speaking up because it feels safer to be invisible.” I asked her, “Do you ever think you could be visible and safe?” She answered, “No.” Creating emotional safety for yourself is paramount to being able to speak up and be heard. Clients sometimes must work hard to understand that their point of view and feelings are important and valuable and not dependent on another’s opinion.
Control patterns. Clients have said that they need to be needed in order to have a relationship. Others have said it is difficult to watch others make mistakes or see them doing things the wrong way. One of the problems with being in control is the resentfulness it brings for both partners and it is enabling the other person not to be responsible for his/her actions. One definition of enabling is doing for someone something they can do on their own. I believe some wisdom from Al-Anon is helpful. One of the sayings that has come out of Al-Anon is “Detach with Love” which means giving up being the rescuer and cop and create healthy boundaries. As one person from Al-Anon said, “I have learned to listen with compassion without feeling the need to fix it.”
Learning not to be co-dependent is a lot of hard work, but it is worth the journey. When the one partner becomes healthier it changes the dynamic of the whole relationship. Learning self-worth, boundary setting, and loving detachment engenders freedom and balanced relationships.
Written by Michelle Goodwin, LPC