Starting as a pre-teen someone during the night threw out some porn out of a car speeding past my house. I was only 10 or 11, but I’d never seen anything like it. I knew it wasn’t something I’d want my mom to find out, so I hid it to look at later.
You know I’ve been doing that off and on ever since. Sure people would know if I was smoking, drinking, using drugs – but this curiosity would be something I could keep this to myself and people wouldn’t be any wiser.
So, I went through my junior high years into high school. I didn’t keep the earlier pictorials, but learned I could check out the catalogues Mom would get. Some kid in my class told me about masturbation. It was like a one-two punch of my own drug of choice. I felt guilty and shameful when acting out – you know I had become a Christ follower in 9th grade.
I got involved in the church and youth group. I went to a Christian college, later married a Christian lady, and started serving on a church staff. Within a half dozen years of finishing college I had 3 sons. I kept thinking these good things would check my long journey to replicate that initial high of wanting to use porn and act out.
Unfortunately, you were like a burr stuck to my clothes. You followed me, and whenever I felt isolated, angry, insecure, fearful, you’d minimize everything to allure me to go down that road again – once again (you’d always say, one more time won’t hurt).
Once again – PMO was always followed by telling myself ‘this is my last time.’ What a lie that was. I would comfort and self medicate. Always meaning to stop, and praying this whole thing would be taken from me
What a deceiver you are…. I succumbed to a whole series of things that almost took my life. You always were telling me I was an exception. Then you’d kick me — I had an affair, lost my position in full time ministry, betraying my wife and 3 teenage sons ultimately to loosing my marriage of over 30 years.
Well long story short. I played your game. I became a deceiver just like you, but no more. No more secrets, no more attempts to control this thing in my own strength.
You see, I might have learned late, but now I see the truth. My God knows I can’t do it alone. I see that I don’t have any power, but He has everything I need. I am powerless. He is my only hope, my deliverer. So I’m giving it all to him. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed the ride, but don’t worry, it won’t be my attempt to kick you to the curb – it’ll be God’s omnipotent power showing you, once again, that I have a future as God’s child. You, Mr. Addict you’re yesterday’s leech.
I’m not going to say good-bye … I don’t wish any good to you,
but am looking forward to seeing you get everything you deserve for introducing your crap to me and so many others.