> be gen z > swiping on bumble > get a match > heart starts pounding as you open up the chat > stare at the prompt > pull up the calculator app on your phone and calculate the exact amount of time to wait so that you seem assertive but not overeager > do a quick scan of her profile pictures > notice plants in the background > enhancethatonejohnson.jpg > bingo > type out a message > hi! i like your plant! > hold your breath as you see the response bubbles working > i dont garden > goddamn it > a bead of sweat rolls down your temple as you frantically scan her other pictures  > zoom in on a picture and notice a smudge on her travel mug in a picture of her hiking > yeti > you type a message, delete it, type another, and delete it again while praying she isnt looking for response bubbles > ah, ok. nice yeti cup, i was thinking of getting one > you end the message with a smile emoji, but quickly reconsider and delete it > yeah theyre good i guess > you feel your sphinter contract and your scrotum wither as you sense that youre losing her > wait you saw her holding a starbucks cup! > begin typing a joke about a complicated starbucks order that you think of on the fly with the speed of an nsa supercomputer > your body is now in full fight or flight mode > your perception of time is at a crawl as adrenaline screams through your veins > your finger slams the send key as you near hyperventilation > you nearly vomit as you see that she has now unmatched you > the events flash through your prefrontal cortex as your limbic system violently wrenches control from your amygdala, it buckles and warps under the strain of fighting to reconcile the trauma of what has just happened > mission failed. well get em next time
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