god told me "last time" when i was drinking. i was suffering with sins floating around in my head, unable to get them out of my thoughts. eventually he crushed me with illness so hard that i had to stop drinking alcohol. it started appearing all at once around the time my grandma went into a nursing home where she was dying. i also got thrombophlebitis which is swollen ankles that comes and goes and hurts really bad. i lay in bed all the time because it feels like i don't have agency over my body because i'm very sick. but at the time same i want to die because i don't see a purpose in anything. i experience "vexation of spirit": annoyance, anger and disgust and discomfort before everything like solomon before me.
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