get a capuchin monkey, give him a different colored vest for every day of the week. wear him around everywhere you go. people, women included, will approach you and ask you about the monkey. this is where you get sad and say "oh, this? this is my service monkey, ever since the tragic industrial accident did all this (gesture at your face) i have also lost the ability to remember the day of the week, this monkey helps me with that." before you know it, people will be fawning over you just to get to the monkey for you will be at the end of the day the gatekeeper to monkey access. i believe in you, anon.
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