as republican jesus traveled with a large crowd, his disciples approached him after several days. they said, "republican jesus, these people have been following you for three days and are very hungry. we have only five loaves of bread and two fish." republican jesus replied, "bring the bread and fish to me." the disciples obeyed, and republican jesus took 99% of the bread and fish, leaving just 1% for the disciples to distribute among the followers. confused, the disciples asked, "how shall we feed all these people with only 1%?" republican jesus responded, "why are these people always looking for a handout? they should just go out and get a job." the disciples marveled at the wisdom of republican jesus. later, as republican jesus walked through the streets, an old blind man called out, "have mercy on me, republican jesus!" republican jesus turned to him and asked, "what is it you want?" the blind man pleaded, "i am blind and wish to see. can you heal me?" republican jesus replied, "oh, obamacare didnt take care of that for you?" the blind man, realizing his mistake, said, "youre right, republican jesus. ill just go back to being blind." once again, the disciples were in awe of republican jesuss wisdom. at another time, republican jesus came upon a crowd gathering around a young woman. the crowd was preparing to stone her. republican jesus intervened, asking, "whats going on here?" the crowd explained, "this woman expects us to pay for her contraceptives with our tax money. were going to stone her." republican jesus proclaimed, "cast no stone! stones are a valuable resource. i need them to build my 15th house. just throw her off a bridge instead." the disciples marveled yet again at the wisdom of republican jesus.
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