> i imagined my sex partner as being dale eikelman (seep. 50 of these notes), and except when provisionally submitting to him in ,ercourse, i imagined myself as dominating him physically ... ... in fantasies of myself as a female, the emphasis was always on myself as a girl - the man in the fantasy only served to provide a prick. i have never been sexually attracted to men ... ... i never had a wet dream in my life until i was 22 or 23 years old, probably because i masturbated often enough in my waking hours so that i didn't have to do so in my sleep. by the time i was 22 or 23., many permanently distended blood-vessels were visible on my penis, presumably because i had erections so often. because i feared this was physically injurious, i made a serious attempt to keep sexual thoughts out of my head. i made considerable progress at this in my waking hours, but then the sexual thoughts started coming out in my sleep. this was the first time i ever had any wet dreams. i gave up trying to reduce my sexual thoughts, since it seemed they were bound to come one way or another ... while at harvard i might have masturbated an average of 4 times a week, at a rough guess ... he had lack of pussy.
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