Can you make a bump map texture emit light in Cycles? So I thought if I can use a bump map to create, uh, bumps on a surface... I thought I could somehow make it glow/emit light?

Is there a node for that, or maybe there's a method to do that?
You can use an emission node, with a mix shader node (use the map map for the factor input). Now your object will emit light based on the bump map.