Why can't I get any miner to work on my PC? I've tried BFGminer, CGminer, and GUIminer. I'm registered on Slush's Pool. I can't get BFGminer.exe to even open though and GUIminer refuses to connect to Slush's Pool even if I manually put in the new address. I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. Can someone please help me? I'm super new to this if you can't tell.
You cannot mine Bitcoin on a desktop (or laptop) computer these days.  If you are trying to mine Bitcoin on Slush, you will need an ASIC.  You can potentially mine ZCash on Slush, if you have a high performance graphics card.  Slush does not support directly mining any other coins.