Golf English – using contractions I have not laughed as much from Stack Exchange content as I have from this. I think you all will enjoy this challenge, as it is inspired by what is over there.

You will write a function or program that is code-golf, i.e. it would have to be as short as you can make it.

Given a text, return (both by any means) the text where you will have contracted as many words as possible according this table.

You shall not pull information from the table, rather you must have all necessary information included in your code.

All default rules ought not to be broken as we will not have any unfair competition.

You need not consider text if it is not capitalized as in the table, so you must not convert you all WOULD not have or You all would not have to y'all'dn't've.

You may match just the good old apostrophe (U+0027) or any nice ones; whatever you want to.

Example input above ↑ and corresponding output below ↓

I'ven't laughed as much from StackExchange content as I've from this. I think y'all'll enjoy this challenge, as 'tis inspired by what's over there.

You'll write a function or program that's code-golf, i.e. it'd've to be as short as you can make it.

Given a text, return (both by any means) the text where you'll have contracted as many words as possible according this table.

You shan't pull information from the table, rather you must've all necessary information included in your code.

All default rules oughtn't to be broken as we'lln't've any unfair competition.

You needn't consider text if it'sn't capitalized as in the table, so you mustn't convert you all WOULD not have or You all would not have to y'all'dn't've.

You may match just the good ol’ apostrophe (U+0027) or any nice ones; whatever you wanna.
Perl, 3429 1095 bytes

Compressed the text.

uuencoded version of script

@a=split('!',uncompress(&lt;DATA&gt;.&lt;DATA&gt;));while(&lt;&gt;){chomp;$l=$_;for$d(@a){chomp $d;($x,$y)=split(/,/,$d);if($l=~m/$y/){$l=~s/$y/$x/g}}print "$l\n"}
__DATA__
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perl -MCompress::Zlib script.pl &lt;sample.txt
You will write a function or program that's code-golf, i.e. it'd've to be as short as you can make it.
Given a text, return (both by any means) the text where you'll have contracted as many words as possible according this table.
You shan't pull information from the table, rather you must've all necessary information included in your code.
All default rules oughtn't to be broken as we'lln't've any unfair competition.
You needn't consider text if 'tisn't capitalized as in the table, so you mustn't convert y'all WOULD not've or You all wouldn't've to y'all'dn't've.
You may match just the good ol' apostrophe (U+0027) or any nice ones; whatever you wanna.