Refrigerator is not making ice or serving water
So turns out the water valve in the back of my fridge was bad. All rusted out. I broke down and called a technician (thankfully) and he said we were lucky it didn't burst, as it probably would have flooded the house. On top of that, the condenser fan motor was dead.

I suspect the former owner knew all of this, and just had his guy go behind the fridge and shut off the main water line to the fridge so they wouldn't have to deal with it before selling the house.