Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang was fat when she was young
Check ambiguity. 
  


Writers should read his or her own writing, try to see if there are other possible  interpretations for certain phrases. 

For example: When you chose "女孩" in "当我是女孩时" you were thinking "girl" as a female child, but both "女孩" in Chinese and "girl" in English can refer to " young female". 

To remove ambiguity in "当我是女孩时" you can add  "小" before "女孩" and write "当我是(小)女孩时" to clarify  "girl"  refers to "female child" not "young female" 


  
  Remember Chinese verbs have no tense
  


Since Chinese verbs do not have tense, The tense of this sentence "Although I was very small" (虽然我很小) need to be clarified by other means

e.g. "虽然我(那時還)很小" - "Although I was very small (at that time)"

It is just a single example, you should check your sentence to see if tense is needed or not, because in many instances the context already indicate the verb is in the pass tense or present tense. 

For example: "(十年前)当我(還)是女孩时" clearly implies:

a. The verb "是" is in past tense. 

b. 女孩 (girl) refers to "female child" not "young female"


  
  abuse of 了
  


"了" indicate "completion" or change of "state" . You have to check if "了" is needed in a sentence. Take: "我渴望变瘦了" (I hope to get thin) for example. 


了 in "我渴望变瘦了" implies "I begin to hope to get thin" (change of state)
了 cannot modify 变瘦 to indicate the verb 变瘦 is completed because  the main verb "hope" indicated you were not thin already


If you didn't mean "I begin to hope to get thin", you should just write "我渴望变瘦" 

I can only point out some of  the bad habits I noticed. There are a lot of areas can be improved in your writing, but that involves more in-depth study on your part. Write more, get corrected more and analyze why a sentence you wrote is being corrected. Eventually you too can notice what mistakes you often make and learn not to make it again. Or discover the better way to express your thought by noticing how people edit your text to a more native style. 

I am sure other people can point out more of your mistakes and provide solutions. 

You can compare your text with my editing to see if you can notice something:

当我是女孩时，--> 当我(还)是(小)女孩时，

世界上最重要的是吃巧克力和其它甜食。--> (对我来说)世界上最重要的是吃巧克力和其它甜食。

我爱吃麦当劳、我爱吃比萨、我爱吃巧克力蛋糕。 

我爸忙时就让我吃， --> (每当)我爸忙(的)时(侯)就让我吃，

如此我不打扰他，而他经常在电脑上工作。--> (这样)我(就)不(会)打扰他在电脑上工作。

并不奇怪的是，我当时很胖。--> (难怪)我当时(会那么)胖。

虽然我很小，但不得不注意到了别人不同的对待我，--> 虽然我(那时还)很小，但(已)不得不注意到别人(对我)(与别不同)的(态度)，

使我感到对自己的身体不满意， --> 使我对自己的身体(感到)不满意，

而我变得越来越难过了。我渴望变瘦了，--> 我变得越来越难。我渴望变瘦。

或者至少不那么胖。那时候我知道吃热量高的食物让人长胖， --> 至少以能瘦一点。那时候我(已)知道吃热量高的食物(会)让人(变)胖，

可是甚至成年人遇到控制体重的困难，--> 可是(连)成年人(都会)遇到控制体重的困难，(何况,是我这个小女孩？)

仅仅少吃不够减肥。--> 仅仅少吃(是)不(足以)减肥(的)。

吃巧克力使我心里感到很满足。--> (加上)吃巧克力(能)使我心里感到很满足，(减重就更困难了)。

(the last two sentences are disjointed)