"Battery not charging" on MacBook Pro
I found the answer to my charging problem in another question:

https://apple.stackexchange.com/a/301722/41731

Please make sure to upvote the answer I linked.

Short version: yank the cord forcefully and horizontally out of the notebook. Repeat it a couple of times, until the orange light starts and it starts charging. Visit the link for more information.

For reference, this is what my pins look like after the yanking (sorry, don't have a before foto):



The second pin from the right maybe looks kind of intended still, it could be the ground pin, but I don't actually know.