Two way wiring using SSR
Think a little out of the box. You have two independant signals that each want to invert the action of the other - that's is how a two way switch works and, importantly, that is how an exclusive OR works.

So, whatever form your two independant signals take - make them logic compatible and feed them into an exclusive OR gate then, with an appropriate transistor stage drive the SSR. When you said: -


  With SSR I can't have this


I have to disagree because the "clever" logic is on the input side.