I2C Issues with First PCB
I would like to take this time to apologize to the people of the Internets, I was wrong by ignoring those who suggested grounding issues with the oscilloscope. It was, in fact, a ground issue with the GND pin of J2. After attaching the ground probes of the oscilloscope to one of the mounting holes instead, I was able to capture this on the oscilloscope, a set of beautiful signals. Thanks all you lovely people for your assistance. Let this be a lesson of many for me in my future endeavors as I enter the world of electrical engineering (graduating in May).