Measuring the resonant frequency of a crystal
Are all my crystals bad somehow?

Probably not. The &quot;issue&quot; with crystals is that the quality factor: Q of a crystal is very high meaning it is somewhat challenging &quot;see&quot; the resonance.
I've built a simple crystal tester myself and it is based on a circuit, which is a standard CMOS logic based crystal oscillator which is present in many ICs including microcontrollers.

source of that picture
It states &quot;20 MHz&quot; for the crystal but in my experience this works with 32 kHz crystals up to around 30 MHz. If you make the circuit small and use faster inverter than the 40106 (for example the 74HC04) then 50 MHz might be possible.
Then using an oscilloscope or frequency counter you can determine the resonance frequency.