What do I need to destroy the world?
JavaScript (ES6), 78 bytes

Takes input as 3 distinct variables (mass, radius, unit).

(m,r,u)=&gt;m*m/r/[8987e9,56,6276e6,,4184e5,1e-4,360][parseInt(u,30)%7]/2498e11+u


Test cases

The following snippet runs all test cases in the provided spreadsheet.



let f=

(m,r,u)=&gt;m*m/r/[8987e9,56,6276e6,,4184e5,1e-4,360][parseInt(u,30)%7]/2498e11+u

console.log(
  [
    '3.302e+23 2440000   1.789e+30 4.275e+17 2.850e+16 3.194e+24 4.969e+23 1.990e+13',
    '4.869e+24 6052000   1.568e+32 3.748e+19 2.499e+18 2.800e+26 4.356e+25 1.745e+15',
    '5.974e+24 6371000   2.242e+32 5.360e+19 3.573e+18 4.004e+26 6.229e+25 2.495e+15',
    '6.419e+23 3390000   4.866e+30 1.163e+18 7.753e+16 8.689e+24 1.352e+24 5.414e+13',
    '1.899e+27 69911000  2.065e+36 4.935e+23 3.290e+22 3.687e+30 5.736e+29 2.298e+19',
    '5.685e+26 58232000  2.222e+35 5.310e+22 3.540e+21 3.968e+29 6.172e+28 2.472e+18',
    '8.683e+25 25360000  1.190e+34 2.845e+21 1.896e+20 2.125e+28 3.306e+27 1.324e+17',
    '1.024e+26 24620000  1.705e+34 4.075e+21 2.717e+20 3.045e+28 4.736e+27 1.897e+17',
    '1.311e+22 1186000   5.801e+27 1.387e+15 9.244e+13 1.036e+22 1.611e+21 6.455e+10',
    '1.989e+30 696300000 2.274e+41 5.436e+28 3.624e+27 4.062e+35 6.318e+34 2.531e+24',
    '7.350e+22 1737000   1.245e+29 2.976e+16 1.984e+15 2.223e+23 3.458e+22 1.385e+12'
  ]
  .map((l, n) =&gt; {
    [m, r, ...res] = l.match(/\S+/g).map(Number);

    return 'Test case #' + -~n + ' -&gt; ' + (
      ['J', 'kilotons', 'nukes', 'twinkies', 'kWh', 'kg']
      .every((u, i) =&gt; +(+f(m, r, u).split(u).join``).toExponential(3) === +res[i])
      ? 'OK' : 'FAIL'
    )
  })
)




How?

This is quite similar to @ColeraSu's C answer, with a JS-friendly hash function that works on the whole unit string.

Unit       | Parsed as (*) | Base-30 -&gt; Dec. | mod 7
-----------+---------------+-----------------+------
"J"        | "j"           | 19              | 5        (*):
"kilotons" | "kilotons"    | 451052545318    | 4          Because we're parsing as Base-30,
"nukes"    | "n"           | 23              | 2          characters [u-z] (and anything
"twinkies" | "t"           | 29              | 1          after them) are simply ignored.
"kWh"      | "k"           | 20              | 6
"kg"       | "kg"          | 616             | 0