How would I go about texturing this?
As @metaphor_set already said, you cannot UV unwrap this high poly model without having a huge headache. That's why you need to do something called retopology, this is when you wrap a low poly mesh on top of the high poly mesh to get a low poly copy of the high poly mesh. There are many tools and add-ons that will make your life easier.

First I explain how you can do it without add-ons:


Add a new object with a single vertex
In the modifer tab add the subdivision surface modifier and the shrink wrap modifier
Enter edit mode, select the vertex and enable "snap to" (the magnet) and select faces


Now if you extrude the vertex over the object you will see it snaps to the surface of the object. With some tricks you can get very clean and easy to handle and animate topology

But if you want to have it even easier (I recommend) use retopoflow, an addon that basically does all the settings for you and has many tools for easy retopology. Tho I will not go  further here as there are many great tutorials on it already