IN December 2014, during the live X Factor shows, Mel B tried to take her own life. She blacked out and woke up covered in bruises. 
 
 It echoed a previous attempt on her own life aged 14 when she was growing up in Leeds. 
 
 11 Mel appeared on the X Factor with bruises all over her body 
 
 ​Mel B posts social media video which shows PTSD book on her coffee table​ 
 
 She was replaced for the Saturday semi but bravely appeared for the Sunday live final in a dress which showed off her injuries. At the time she blamed a stomach ulcer. 
 
 Here, in an exclusive extract from new autobiography Brutally Honest, Mel explains what really happened over those few dramatic days. 
 
 HERE I am, 39 years of age, staring in a mirror in the en-suite bathroom of my rented house in Kensington, London, holding an open bottle of aspirin from the stash I’ve stockpiled over the years, putting one pill after another into my mouth. 
 
 As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: “Are you sure?” And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. “Are you sure?” 
 
 Handout 11 Mel B wanted to send a message to Stephen by ditching her wedding ring during X Factor final 
 
 WHERE TO GET HELP If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858 
 
 Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk 
 
 Hector's House, www.hectorshouse.org.uk 
 
 Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393 
 
 Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41 
 
 Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123 
 
 It’s Thursday night. 11 December 2014. I’ve come back from dinner with my husband Stephen. Tomorrow I’m going to The X Factor. 
 
 It will be the red-carpet launch for the final weekend. I’ll be wearing a beautiful dress, my hair and make-up will be perfect. But if you want the absolute truth, I don’t care about any of it. My life is a mess and I want out. 
 
 One hundred and 20. “Are you sure?” 150. “Are you sure?” 
 
 Behind the glitter of fame, I felt emotionally battered, estranged from my family. 
 
 © Malachi Banales 2018 11 Mel B shares her suicide attempt in new book Brutally Honest 
 
 Mel B breaks down in counselling with Stephen Belafonte on It's A Scary World' 
 
 Read more from Mel B's 'Brutally Honest' autobiography: 
 
 I felt ugly and detested by the very man who once promised to love and protect me, my husband and manager Stephen. 
 
 A man who after ten years of marriage now had a library of sex tapes that could — as we both well knew — ruin my career and destroy my family. 
 
 I wrote frantic, disjointed notes for Phoenix, my eldest daughter, my soulmate — the girl who is little sister, friend and daughter to me. 
 
 It was going to be up to her to get my other little girls, Angel and Madison, to Leeds where they could all live with my mum. 
 
 Getty - Contributor 11 Mel managed to get herself to the hospital after taken her 200th pill 
 
 In my head, in that moment, it was that simple. 
 
 Two hundred. “Now what’s going to happen, Melanie? STOP!” As soon as I’d swallowed that last pill, I knew I didn’t want to go anywhere. “Melanie! What the f*** are you doing? Get a grip!” 
 
 Suicide was not the answer. I had to make my life count. I had to get to a hospital. I had to get those pills out of my stomach before anything happened. 
 
 My head was spinning. All I thought was that I needed to get out of the room but for some reason the door was jammed. 
 
 Mel B and Stephen Belafonte row about her career on reality TV series 
 
 Splash News 11 Mel B woke up in hospital with her daughter Phoenix next to her 
 
 I can’t clearly remember what happened next but I remember throwing myself at the door, crashing my full weight against it. 
 
 Those bruises on my face and shoulder everyone saw at The X Factor final three days later — most of them were caused by those moments trapped in that doorway. 
 
 I can’t remember the pain but I can still remember the fear, panic and absolute confusion in my head. 
 
 Then everything started to go black and I collapsed to my knees. I could feel the life in me starting to drain away. 
 
 TV3 11 Mel B appeared on X Factor in 2014 with Cheryl, Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell 
 
 And then nothing, silence. I lay semi-conscious on the bathroom floor and, with tears streaming down my face, drifting in and out of consciousness, waited to die. 
 
 I remember getting to the hospital and calling Simon Cowell. I remember he didn’t sound horrified, just calm, like he knew that’s what I needed from him. 
 
 I must have lost consciousness again. When I woke up, I was surrounded by doctors and nurses. 
 
 “Mom. What the hell?” Phoenix was standing by my bed. Furious, shaking, full of rage. Of all the memories from all those hours, it is the one that still floors me. “Why, Mum? Why? Why?” It was the saddest moment of my life. All I ever want is for her to know how sorry I am, how lost I was and how I’ll never, ever abandon her again. 
 
 11 Mel shows off cuts and bruises in tweet from 2012 where she said she fell over while running in heels 
 
 WHERE TO GET HELP If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858 
 
 Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk 
 
 Hector's House, www.hectorshouse.org.uk 
 
 Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393 
 
 Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41 
 
 Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123 
 
 Looking at my daughter — distraught, devastated, angry — was the moment I knew the fightback had to start. 
 
 The situation with The X Factor was quickly sorted because it had to be — the semi-finals were going to be shown live in two days’ time. 
 
 Tulisa Contostavlos would cover for me on Saturday night and be on standby for the Sunday final. 
 
 Despite all the drugs I was being given, I was wired. The doctors kept telling me that I was in the High Dependency Unit and was seriously ill. I needed to get well. 
 
 Mel B and Stephen Belafonte argue over phone use on reality show It's A Scary World 
 
 Splash News 11 Mel made sure she refocused her attention on the X Factor final and away from Stephen 
 
 If you think I was surrounded by friends, relatives, other concerned celebrities and flowers, you would be wrong. Thanks to my relationship with Stephen, I was pretty much on my own apart from my security, my hairdresser and Simon my publicist. 
 
 Every one of the Spice Girls tried to contact me. I couldn’t speak to them. I wasn’t ready, and I was too ashamed. My family also managed to track me down, but they were the last people I wanted to see. 
 
 I remained trapped behind a wall of guilt, shame and worthlessness. I’d been hit in the past, but bruises fade. 
 
 My doctor looked at me as if I was completely crazy when I mentioned in the very early hours of Sunday morning that I would be on The X Factor later that day. 
 
 11 Mel said all of the Spice Girls tried to contact her but she was too ashamed to talk to them 
 
 “That is not happening, Melanie,” he said. 
 
 “I don’t think you realise how serious your condition is. You are in intensive care. There is serious damage to your liver and kidneys.” 
 
 As my doctor walked out of the room, I texted my stylist: “Send me pix of all the dresses you’ve got me for the final tonight.” 
 
 I had bruises round my eyes, my cheek was swollen, and I had massive dark welts on my arms from the constant stabbing at my weak, narrow veins with the IV drips. 
 
 Splash News 11 Cheryl was concerned for Mel during the X Factor final 
 
 “I’ve got three perfect dresses with sleeves,” said my stylist, nervously eyeing the welts and purple marks on my arms which were clearly showing through thick body foundation. “No,” I said. “I’ve picked the dress already. No sleeves.” 
 
 The bruises were still visible as I put on a beautiful, long white silk dress, semi-sheer at the top then hugging every curve of my body. 
 
 I would stand proud in this stunning white dress, the marks of my agony all over me. I asked for my hair to be pulled right back from my face. I needed to be seen. I needed all those bruises to be seen. 
 
 My message to the world and to my husband was going to be VERY CLEAR. I wanted people out there watching to be my witnesses. I took off my vast, square-cut diamond wedding ring. A ring I’d worn on The X Factor a few weeks before to show the world what a solid couple Stephen and I were. 
 
 The Mega Agency 11 Mel sent a message to Stephen by appearing on X Factor and there was no going back 
 
 The next hour was a blur of adrenalin and throwing myself into the drama of the show. Simon winked. 
 
 Louis covered up whatever shock he was feeling. 
 
 I let go of Louis’ hand and lifted my left hand into the air, directly in the centre of the camera focus, knowing the TV audience, the press and, most important of all, Stephen would see my ring-less finger. “F*** you big time,” I thought. 
 
 As the show played out, I focused entirely on the battle between Ben Haenow and Fleur East. 
 
 They were both fabulous, talented and committed. They were both out there singing because they wanted a whole new life to start. I was with them all the way. 
 
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 I joked with Simon and Louis, and tried not to ignore Cheryl’s looks of concern every time the camera was off us. 
 
 “I’m OK. I’m OK.” As ever, on that stage — any stage — I felt fully myself. Untouchable. Melanie Brown. Wonder Woman. 
 
 I get off stage, smiling at everyone, happy for Ben (who won), happy for Fleur. 
 
 I’m happy I didn’t collapse, happy I’ve done it. I’ve sent my message to Stephen. There’s no going back. I’m going to leave him, get a divorce. I’m going to be free. 
 
 Mel B's estranged husband Stephen Belafonte: 'Someone's trying to set me up to look like a bad guy' 
 
 WHERE TO GET HELP If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support: CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858 
 
 Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk 
 
 Hector's House, www.hectorshouse.org.uk 
 
 Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393 
 
 Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41 
 
 Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123 ||||| CLOSE Citing sex and alcohol addiction, Mel B told British tabloid The Sun she'll be entering a rehab facility in the U.K. Wochit 
 
 Mel B opens up about attempting suicide in 2014. (Photo: Jean Baptiste Lacroix, Getty Images) 
 
 Melanie Brown is opening up about her 2014 suicide attempt. 
 
 In an excerpt from her memoir, "Brutally Honest," the former Spice Girl admitted to taking "nearly 200 aspirin pills" in an attempt to escape her tumultuous marriage to producer Stephen Belafonte. 
 
 "I'll be wearing a beautiful dress, my hair and make-up will be perfect. But if you want the absolute truth, I don’t care about any of it. My life is a mess and I want out," she wrote in an excerpt published in Britain's The Sun. 
 
 On Dec., 11, 2014, the night before filming the U.K.'s "The X Factor," Brown said she started popping over-the-counter pills in her London home bathroom after returning from dinner with Belafonte. 
 
 "As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: 'Are you sure?' And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. 'Are you sure?'" she wrote. "One hundred and 20. 'Are you sure?' 150. 'Are you sure?'" 
 
 She continued: "Behind the glitter of fame, I felt emotionally battered, estranged from my family. I felt ugly and detested by the very man who once promised to love and protect me, my husband and manager Stephen." 
 
 Related: Mel B clarifies rehab reports: 'No, I’m not an alcoholic. No, I’m not a sex addict.' 
 
 Brown claimed her husband at the time was threatening her career and family with a "library of sex tapes." 
 
 After writing her daughters a suicide note and taking the 200th pill, Brown wrote: "As soon as I’d swallowed that last pill, I knew I didn’t want to go anywhere. …Suicide was not the answer. I had to make my life count."Brown said she suffered many bruises on her face and shoulder after hitting a jammed door while attempting to get help. The singer was hospitalized with liver and kidney damage, calling the moment she faced her daughter Phoenix "the saddest moment of my life." 
 
 Related: Heidi Klum and more fellow 'AGT' judges speak out in support of Mel 
 
 Simon Cowell (second, right) poses with hosts of "America's Got Talent" Heidi Klum (left), Howie Mandel and Mel B (right) during a ceremony honoring Cowell with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on 22 August 2018. (Photo: MIKE NELSON, EPA-EFE) 
 
 She appeared days later on "The X Factor" with her injuries visible. 
 
 "I would stand proud in this stunning white dress, the marks of my agony all over me. … I needed all those bruises to be seen," she wrote. "I’ve sent my message to Stephen. There’s no going back. I’m going to leave him, get a divorce. I’m going to be free." 
 
 Brown and Belafonte divorced last year following a lengthy battle in which Brown accused her ex of beating and threatening her throughout their 10-year marriage. 
 
 "Brutally Honest" is out Nov. 27. 
 
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 Related: Mel B alleges years of abuse from estranged husband 
 
 Read or Share this story: https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2018/11/18/mel-b-opens-up-suicide-attempt-200-pills/2049261002/
– The saddest moment in her life, Mel B says in new memoir Brutally Honest, was dealing with daughter Phoenix, then 15, after a suicide attempt in 2014. The Spice Girl says she woke up in the hospital to find her "furious" daughter asking "Why Mum? Why? Why?" In a memoir extract seen by the Sun, Mel B writes that all she wants "is for her to know how sorry I am, how lost I was and how I’ll never, ever abandon her again." In the memoir, the singer says she tried to take her own life by taking 200 aspirin pills because she was "emotionally battered" after years of abuse by then-husband Stephen Belafonte. She says he was threatening to release a "library" of sex tapes from their decade of marriage. "As each pill goes into my mouth, I ask myself: 'Are you sure?' And I take another one. Ten, 20, 50, 100. 'Are you sure?'" she writes. "One hundred and 20. 'Are you sure?' 150. 'Are you sure?" But after taking the last pill, she writes, she realized: "Suicide was not the answer. I had to make my life count." She says she was left with bruises to her face and shoulder after throwing her weight against a jammed door while trying to seek help, USA Today reports. She was hospitalized with liver and kidney damage but, against the advice of doctors, appeared on The X-Factor three days later—without her wedding ring on. "I needed to be seen. I needed all those bruises to be seen," she writes. (In August, she said she would seek treatment for sex and alcohol addictions before the Spice Girls reunion tour.)