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 Paradox: If Gerard Butler exudes rakish charm and Jessica Biel a charming flintiness, then why is Playing for Keeps so utterly charmless? This saga of a former soccer star coaching his son's team in order to worm his way back into the heart of his ex-wife aims to be warm and funny. Alas, it is mechanical and exhausting, like a windup toy of a monkey crashing together cymbals for 106 minutes while incrementally winding down. If that makes Butler the monkey, so be it. A credits sequence introduces George (Butler) as a onetime soccer great who once tangled with David Beckham. Now divorced and broke in suburban Virginia, George has weekly visitation of Lewis (Noah Lomax), his adorably freckled 9-year-old, who lives with Mom (Biel) and her boyfriend. 
 
 When George steps in to coach Lewis' soccer team, he becomes a magnet for soccer moms. This starry group that includes redhead Judy Greer, blond Uma Thurman, and brunet Catherine Zeta-Jones could form their own team, the Cougars. Conveniently, Greer and Zeta-Jones are single. 
 
 Not so Thurman, married to Generic Rich Guy Dennis Quaid, who delivers what is by light-years the worst performance of an otherwise distinguished career. 
 
 So indifferently made and edited is Playing for Keeps that it's fair to identify filmmaker Gabriele Muccino (The Pursuit of Happyness) as its mis-director. Outside of feature debuts one rarely sees such choppy rhythms and ill-timed comedy. 
 
 This is one of those films during which, repeatedly, a character gets in a car, drives to another destination, and gets out of the car for no apparent plot purpose. Take out these transitional scenes and spare the audience 30 minutes of impatience. The autos, an Alfa Romeo and a Ferrari, are nice enough, but is this a movie or a sports-car pageant? 
 
 If the latter, I suppose the Alfa Romeo gets Miss Congeniality. 
 
 When not focused on cougars and cars exceeding speed limits, the film has a few pleasant moments involving Biel and Butler. Yet even their combined charm is done in by the script from Robbie Fox (So I Married an Ax Murderer), alternately salacious and family-friendly. In the end, the PG-13 film is too crude for both demographics. ||||| The idea underlying "Playing for Keeps," the new romantic comedy starring Gerard Butler, is basic: A well-toned guy who is good with kids is the ultimate aphrodisiac for sex-starved soccer moms. Three very good actresses are squandered to prove the point. 
 
 And yet, like the former soccer star played by Butler — all hard abs, easy smiles and golden curls, his Scottish brogue set free — the film has some of the right moves. 
 
 There is cool footage of game-winning kicks, a kid anyone would adore, and Butler's playboy/athlete who seems serious about unearthing his decent side. 
 
 Directed by Gabriele Muccino ("The Pursuit of Happyness") and written by Robbie Fox, there is a story here, but more than anything else "Playing for Keeps" is out to score a feel-good moment in every single scene — no exaggeration. 
 
 George Dryer (Butler) is a still-hunky guy with a rakish charm, now a few years past his pro-playing prime. He's turned up in small-town Virginia out of a job and intent on getting to know his young son Lewis (Noah Lomax) and possibly winning back his ex, Stacie (Jessica Biel). 
 
 In a very predictable setup to this very predictable film, Stacie is about to marry a much steadier — read boring — guy in Matt (James Tupper). Tupper has been stripped of every ounce of his "Men in Trees" macho and poses no threat. Thank goodness kids are in the picture; puppies and kittens probably should have been considered. 
 
 PHOTOS: Hollywood back lot moments 
 
 The local sportscasting gig George hopes to land isn't panning out and Lewis' soccer team is in desperate need of a good coach, so — spoiler alert (just kidding) — George is drafted to coach the kid's team. Butler and Lomax turn out to be a convincing father and son. George's attempts to turn into a more responsible grown-up — one his son will respect — exposes a more vulnerable side to Butler than we typically see. Lomax holds his own on the emotional front, big sad eyes registering years of disappointment when dad lets him down once again. 
 
 But any topical relevance tied to absentee father issues is short-lived. All those panting soccer moms keep turning up to complicate things. Technically this is where the comedy is supposed to come from, but the caricatures are so clumsy that it's more of a nails-on-blackboard experience. 
 
 The longest nails belong to Catherine Zeta-Jones' Denise. She is an impeccably turned-out flirty former sports broadcaster, whose promise to hook George up with ESPN comes with strings attached. Judy Greer sans any of the nuance of her betrayed wife in "The Descendants" plays a weepy-clingy single mom. The hardest to take is Uma Thurman's Patti, a society wife whose desire to seduce George is merely to get even with her philandering husband, Carl (a crazed Dennis Quaid). Meanwhile Carl is a boorish big-money guy nursing a man-crush on George and hoping cash and the loan of his red Ferrari will help the bromance along. 
 
 To be fair, Butler's George has some chemistry with most of the moms, just not the mom that matters. That particular twist is not one the film intends, I am sure. Biel easily pulls off the sporty, mom-next-door look for Stacie, but she never crosses over into still-madly-in-love-with-the-guy territory, which is where the film is headed from the outset. 
 
 Despite a string of emotional moments that Butler lays at her feet, including teary eyes, the actress never warms up in any believable way. It's a particular disappointment since Stacie is the only female character who doesn't descend completely into stereotype. 
 
 Of late, Butler has been on a fairly steady diet of roles playing the good guy with flaws in marginal movies — the latest, "Chasing Mavericks," is still in theaters. Although his battle-ready leaders of "300" and "Coriolanus" remain among his best work, the softer side he gets to in George suggests Butler has real romantic leading-man potential — in ways that the supposed to be hot, but not, "Bounty Hunter" opposite Jennifer Anniston never was. 
 
 At some point you hope the actor will find a movie that will give him the right material to make hearts truly beat faster. Until then, it appears we'll have to settle for films with more flaws than his characters. 
 
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 MPAA rating: PG-13 for some sexual situations, language and a brief intense image 
 
 Running time: 1 hour, 45 minutes 
 
 Playing: In general release 
 
 betsy.sharkey@latimes.com ||||| 'Playing For Keeps,' But Without Much Panache 
 
 toggle caption Film District 
 
 Playing For Keeps Director: Gabriele Muccino 
 
 Genre: Comedy 
 
 Running time: 106 minutes Rated PG-13 for some sexual situations, language and a brief intense image With: Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Dennis Quaid 
 
 Watch Clips 'New Coach' 'New Coach' 'Warmup Shot' 'Warmup Shot' 'Have We Met?' 'Have We Met?' 
 
 As Hollywood movies increasingly strive for immaculate blankness, they have come to resemble Rorschach ink blots. For example, Playing for Keeps, a new movie about a divorced couple who just might reunite: Is it a heartwarming romantic drama? Or a cynical sex and sports comedy? There is no wrong answer, dear ticket buyer. 
 
 
 
 Similar questions can be posed about the lead performers, Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel. Does his performance display easygoing charm, or just the laziness of a big-screen sitcom specialist who is also one of the movie's producers? Does her array of indulgent smiles and occasional tears constitute subtlety, or is the two-note characterization just all she could make of Robbie Fox's bland script? 
 
 
 
 Playing for Keeps relies heavily on the personal appeal of Butler (crinkly eyes, Scottish accent) and Biel (pert nose, perfect teeth), and barely at all on the paper-thin roles they play. Likability is key; characterization superfluous. The movie is less kind, however, to supporting players Uma Thurman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Dennis Quaid and Judy Greer, all of them overqualified for the caricatures they play. 
 
 
 
 When the story begins, vaguely roguish former European soccer star George (Butler) has just moved to D.C.'s Virginia suburbs, hoping to re-establish his relationships with ex-wife Stacie (Biel) and their 9-year-old son, Lewis (Noah Lomax). Exactly why the marriage ended is left obscure, since it would be too troublingly human for either ex to have done something bad. 
 
 
 
 Stacie is about to remarry, but viewers needn't take that plot strand — or her nonentity of a fiance — seriously. The wedding is as unlikely as George's possible move to Connecticut to work for ESPN, or even his planned trip into town with Lewis to see "our beloved D.C. United." Neither suits the movie's story, or its modest budget. 
 
 
 
 George is broke, but instead of landing a job as a local TV sportscaster, he becomes the coach of Lewis' soccer team. Inevitably, if almost incidentally, he turns the squad into a powerhouse. The new gig allows George to bond with his boy. But it also introduces him to troublesome soccer parents, all farcically overplayed. 
 
 Quaid impersonates a rich, manipulative hustler who is prepared to buy his son a slot as goalie. He's a serial adulterer who retains a detective to follow his wife (Thurman) so she can't stray. Of course, she heads straight for George's bed — but that could get crowded, since the coach is also being pursued by two other sexually frustrated suburban housewives, a weepy divorcee (Greer) and an ex-sportscaster (Zeta-Jones) with an intermittent Deep South accent. 
 
 Enlarge this image toggle caption Film District Film District 
 
 These depictions of predatory middle-aged hussies is the most retro thing about the movie, but hardly the only one. Its Northern Virginia (filmed in small-town Louisiana) is decades behind the reality, from the rural two-lane roads to a kids' soccer team without any Latino or Asian players. 
 
 Director Gabriele Muccino is an Italian who came to Hollywood's attention when his The Last Kiss was remade in English. He directed two Will Smith vehicles, The Pursuit of Happyness and Seven Pounds, both of which were sappy but had more style than Playing for Keeps. 
 
 
 
 But style can be a risky thing in a movie like this, which aspires above all to inoffensiveness. Originally titled Playing the Field, which was deemed too racy, this rom-com would have been more aptly renamed Running Out the Clock. ||||| Jessica Biel, Noah Lomax and Gerard Butler in “Playing for Keeps.” 
 
 A FilmDistrict release presented in association with Millennium Films of a Misher Films/York Square Prods./Eclectic Pictures, Gerard Butler Alan Siegel Entertainment/Nu Image/Andrea Leone Films production. (International sales: Millennium Films, Los Angeles.) Produced by Jonathan Mostow, Kevin Misher, Butler, Siegel, Heidi Jo Markel, John Thompson. Executive producers, Peter Schlessel, Avi Lerner, Danny Dimbort, Trevor Short, Ed Cathell III, Boaz Davidson. Co-producers, Leone, Raffaella Leone. Co-executive producers, Diego Martinez, Lonnie Ramati. Directed by Gabriele Muccino. Screenplay, Robbie Fox. 
 
 George - Gerard Butler 
 
 Stacie - Jessica Biel 
 
 Patti - Uma Thurman 
 
 Denise - Catherine Zeta-Jones 
 
 Carl - Dennis Quaid 
 
 Barb - Judy Greer 
 
 Matt - James Tupper 
 
 Lewis - Noah Lomax 
 
 An opening sequence uses cleverly degraded faux-video footage to show studly George Dryer (Butler) at the mid-'90s height of his soccer career. Several years later, he's living in a Virginia suburb, struggling to make the rent and attempting to re-establish a connection with his former wife, Stacie (Biel), and their young son, Lewis (Noah Lomax). 
 
 Stacie, who's about to remarry, has made peace with George, and encourages him to spend time with his son. Conveniently enough, Lewis' soccer team needs a coach, and his deadbeat dad fits the bill perfectly. Too perfectly: George proves popular not just with the kids, but with their single and/or unhappily married moms, who just can't get enough of the tousle-haired athlete and his irresistible accent. 
 
 It's at this point that "Playing for Keeps," after barreling along in conventional but inoffensive fashion, devolves into an unfunny parade of female sexpots, mystifyingly played by actresses one would have assumed to be well above this level of mistreatment. Robbie Fox's flailing script contrives to have George fend off the advances of a weepy, clingy divorcee (Judy Greer), a frustrated housewife (Uma Thurman) and, worst of all, a scheming temptress (Catherine Zeta-Jones) who just so happens to be in a position to land George an ESPN sportscaster gig. One half expects Jennifer Connelly to turn up as a lovelorn FIFA referee. 
 
 These caricatures achieve little, apart from perhaps flattering star-producer Butler's vanity, and they hardly leave the viewer in a receptive mood for the more tolerable bonding scenes between George and Lewis, who has clearly inherited some of his dad's soccer genes. While Butler and young Lomax build an engaging enough rapport, Muccino, who dealt with father-son relations much more sensitively in "The Pursuit of Happyness," seems content to turn Lewis' feelings on and off at will, dramatizing his plight with all the emotional commitment of a light switch. 
 
 Butler, playing his second athletic father figure of the season (after "Chasing Mavericks"), is solid enough, and gets to speak with his native brogue, though his scruffy, mildly charming meathead routine is starting to wear thin. It's Biel who almost singlehandedly elevates the picture to a realm of honest feeling: Providing a classy corrective to her ill-served distaff co-stars, the actress makes her character smart, tough, yet still achingly vulnerable, signaling years of long-suffering backstory with her eyes alone. Biel is so good that, when the time inevitably comes for Stacie to choose between the two men in her life, one yearns for her to consider herself first. 
 
 Camera (Technicolor, widescreen), Peter Menzies; editor, Padraic McKinley; music, Andrea Guerra; production designer, Daniel T. Dorrance; art director, Bob Danyla; set decorator, Kristin Bicksler; costume designer, Angelica Russo; sound (Dolby Digital), Steve C. Aaron; supervising sound editor, Robert C. Jackson; re-recording mixers, Leslie Shatz, Gabriel J. Serrano; special effects coordinator, Blake "Tricky" Levasseur; visual effects supervisors, Danail Hadzhiyski, Alexander Valev, Dusty Emerson; visual effects producer, Scott Coulter; visual effects, Worldwide FX; stunt coordinator, Gregg Brazzel; associate producers, Danielle Robinson, Andy Berman, Margaret Coll; assistant director, Richard L. Fox; casting, Denise Chamian. Reviewed at Wilshire screening room, Beverly Hills, Nov. 15, 2012. MPAA Rating: PG-13. Running time: 105 MIN. 
 
 Despite its relatively straightforward story elements, "Playing for Keeps" never coheres, undone by its wobbly tone and weakness for tidily artificial moments and plot developments. Tech credits are as generic as the pic's title (changed from the racier original, "Playing the Field").
– Playing for Keeps is generic Hollywood fare, but one thing makes it stand out: As of this writing, it's managed to score a 0% at Rotten Tomatoes, despite a star-studded cast that includes Gerard Butler, Jessica Biel, Uma Thurman, and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Here's what critics are saying about the story of a former soccer star's romantic trials: "As Hollywood movies increasingly strive for immaculate blankness, they have come to resemble Rorschach ink blots," writes Mark Jenkins at NPR. As in this film: "Is it a heartwarming romantic drama? Or a cynical sex and sports comedy? There is no wrong answer, dear ticket buyer." Here's an answer: It's a "a modestly affecting reconciliation drama wrapped in a so-so sports movie by way of a misogynistic romantic comedy," observes Justin Chang in Variety. "After barreling along in conventional but inoffensive fashion," the film "devolves into an unfunny parade of female sexpots, mystifyingly played by actresses one would have assumed to be well above this level of mistreatment." Instead of being funny, "the caricatures are so clumsy that it's more of a nails-on-blackboard experience." writes Betsy Sharkey in the Los Angeles Times. "A well-toned guy who is good with kids is the ultimate aphrodisiac for sex-starved soccer moms. Three very good actresses are squandered to prove the point." To put it simply, Playing for Keeps is "mechanical and exhausting, like a windup toy of a monkey crashing together cymbals for 106 minutes while incrementally winding down," notes Carrie Rickey in the Philadelphia Inquirer.