08de5678977bbbefcebc7e2abb04e402539b90e0
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on . END
 Holden McNeil (Ben Affleck) and Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) are comic book artists and lifelong friends. Holden is the friendly, more mild-mannered half of the duo; Banky, meanwhile, is the loud and fiery half. Everything is going well for them until they meet fellow comic book artist Alyssa Jones (Joey Lauren Adams) at a comic book convention in New York City where they are promoting their comic Bluntman and Chronic. Holden is attracted to Alyssa, but soon learns that she is attracted to women. The two begin hanging out, and a deep friendship develops. Eventually, Holden is no longer able to contain his feelings, and confesses his love to Alyssa. She is initially angry with him, but that night, the two begin a romantic relationship.
This new development worsens the tension between Holden and Banky, who hates and mistrusts Alyssa and is disturbed by her and Holden's relationship. Banky investigates and uncovers dirt on Alyssa's past, and he reports to Holden that Alyssa participated in a threesome with two guys during high school, which gave her the nickname "Finger Cuffs". Holden is deeply upset by this revelation, having previously believed that he is the first man Alyssa had ever slept with. He angrily confronts Alyssa while attending a hockey game, and clumsily attempts baiting her into confessing. During a tearful argument, she tells Holden about her "many" youthful sexual experimentations. She apologizes for letting him believe that he was the only man she had been with. However, she refuses to apologize for her past, and Holden leaves feeling disillusioned and furious.
Later, during lunch with Jay and Silent Bob (Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith), Silent Bob reveals that he was once in a relationship similar to Holden's. Despite the fact that he was in love with his girlfriend, Amy, his neurosis about her adventurous sexual past caused him to sabotage the relationship and leave her. Angry at himself for letting her go, he has "spent every day since then chasing Amy, so to speak."
Moved by Silent Bob's story, Holden devises a plan to fix both his relationship with Alyssa and his estranged friendship with Banky. He invites them both over and tells Alyssa that he would like to get over her past and remain her boyfriend. He also tells Banky that he realizes that Banky is in love with himâkissing him passionately to prove the point. Holden suggests a threesome. Though initially shocked, Banky agrees to participate, whereas Alyssa explains to Holden that it will not save their relationship. Before leaving, she states that she loves him, but she will not be his "whore." Banky also leaves the apartment, instantly ending their friendship.
One year later, both Banky and Holden are busy promoting their own respective comics at a convention in New York. It is revealed that Holden has dissolved their partnership over Bluntman and Chronic, leaving the viewer with the assumption that he sold the publishing and creative rights over to Banky (which is corroborated in the beginning of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back). Banky smiles sadly at seeing his old friend, who silently congratulates him for his success on his own comic. Banky gestures over to a booth hosted by Alyssa, and provides wordless encouragement to Holden to go talk to her. He has a brief, quietly emotional conversation with Alyssa, and gives her a copy of Chasing Amy, his new comic based on their failed relationship. After Holden leaves, Alyssa's new girlfriend (Virginia Smith) arrives and asks who she was talking to. A shaken, misty-eyed Alyssa feigns indifference and replies, "Oh, just some guy I knew."
Holden McNeil ( Ben Affleck ) and Banky Edwards ( Jason Lee ) are comic book artists and lifelong friends . Holden is the friendly , more mild-mannered half of the duo ; Banky , meanwhile , is the loud and fiery half . Everything is going well for them until they meet fellow comic book artist Alyssa Jones ( Joey Lauren Adams ) at a comic book convention in New York City where they are promoting their comic Bluntman and Chronic . Holden is attracted to Alyssa , but soon learns that she is attracted to women . The two begin hanging out , and a deep friendship develops . Eventually , Holden is no longer able to contain his feelings , and confesses his love to Alyssa . She is initially angry with him , but that night , the two begin a romantic relationship . This new development worsens the tension between Holden and Banky , who hates and mistrusts Alyssa and is disturbed by her and Holden s relationship . Banky investigates and uncovers dirt on Alyssa s past , and he reports to Holden that Alyssa participated in a threesome with two guys during high school , which gave her the nickname Finger Cuffs . Holden is deeply upset by this revelation , having previously believed that he is the first man Alyssa had ever slept with . He angrily confronts Alyssa while attending a hockey game , and clumsily attempts baiting her into confessing . During a tearful argument , she tells Holden about her many youthful sexual experimentations . She apologizes for letting him believe that he was the only man she had been with . However , she refuses to apologize for her past , and Holden leaves feeling disillusioned and furious . Later , during lunch with Jay and Silent Bob ( Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith ) , Silent Bob reveals that he was once in a relationship similar to Holden s . Despite the fact that he was in love with his girlfriend , Amy , his neurosis about her adventurous sexual past caused him to sabotage the relationship and leave her . Angry at himself for letting her go , he has spent every day since then chasing Amy , so to speak . Moved by Silent Bob s story , Holden devises a plan to fix both his relationship with Alyssa and his estranged friendship with Banky . He invites them both over and tells Alyssa that he would like to get over her past and remain her boyfriend . He also tells Banky that he realizes that Banky is in love with himâkissing him passionately to prove the point . Holden suggests a threesome . Though initially shocked , Banky agrees to participate , whereas Alyssa explains to Holden that it will not save their relationship . Before leaving , she states that she loves him , but she will not be his whore . Banky also leaves the apartment , instantly ending their friendship . One year later , both Banky and Holden are busy promoting their own respective comics at a convention in New York . It is revealed that Holden has dissolved their partnership over Bluntman and Chronic , leaving the viewer with the assumption that he sold the publishing and creative rights over to Banky ( which is corroborated in the beginning of Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back ) . Banky smiles sadly at seeing his old friend , who silently congratulates him for his success on his own comic . Banky gestures over to a booth hosted by Alyssa , and provides wordless encouragement to Holden to go talk to her . He has a brief , quietly emotional conversation with Alyssa , and gives her a copy of Chasing Amy , his new comic based on their failed relationship . After Holden leaves , Alyssa s new girlfriend ( Virginia Smith ) arrives and asks who she was talking to . A shaken , misty-eyed Alyssa feigns indifference and replies , Oh , just some guy I knew .
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chasing_Amy
Chasing Amy
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<title>Chasing Amy</title>
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<pre>

	Chasing Amy

	Written by Kevin Smith


<b>	INT. COMIC BOOK STORE - DAY
</b>	A pile of COMIC BOOKS are on a shelf next to myriad 
	others. The most prominent one is called BLUNTMAN AND 
	CHRONIC'.  A hand reaches in and pulls one out of frame.
	HOLDEN opens the comic and flips through it He shakes his 
	head.  BANKY looks over his shoulder.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Felt Like this fucking day would never 
			come.  Issue two - on the shelf.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yippee.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Don't start, alright!  This is a cool 
			moment, and I'd appreciate you not 
			trying to ruin it.  How often does		
			a guy get the opportunity to purchase 
			something with his name on it!
				(points to name on cover)
			Banky Edwards- right!
				(points to the other)
			Holden McNeil.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I know my name.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			C'mon, sour puss.  We got the rest of 
			our lives to be artists.  But it's 
			supply and demand.  And right now,		
			the unwashed masses demand this.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(off comic)
			This is easy, alright!  And right now 
			it pays the bills.  Just don't forget 
			that we're better than this.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			I'll tell you who we're better than: 
			these two fags right here.
	They approach the counter, where STEVE-DAVE, the store 
	manager, and WALT the Fan-boy, play a card game.
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(lays books on the counter)
			Alright Old-Maid's - take a break from 
			the Crazy-8's marathon and ring us up.
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>				(not looking up)
			Well, well,well, Walt Did you see who 
			it is!  The local celebrities.  Quick - 
			get them to autograph one of their 
			books so we can sell it for triple 
			it's value.
<b>					WALT
</b>			I'm not that in need of fifteen cents 
			right now.
	They snicker and high-five one another.  Holden rolls his 
	eyes.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			You guys operate the smallest, ladies' 
			bridge circle I've ever seen.
<b>					WALT
</b>			For your information, we're playing 
			Crimson Mystical Mages' - an 
			overpower card game. Not that either 
			of you would give a shit about 
			something as advanced	as this - 
			there are no dick or poopie jokes 
			involved.
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(to Holden)
			I don't think they're fans.
<b>					WALT
</b>			No, we're not.  You're both a couple 
			of fucking no talents that got lucky.
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>			And obviously your handlers or hangers-
			on convinced you that your first comic 
			was good which it was not it was 
			thoroughly mediocre with a few spiky 
			bits of dialogue.  And when you get 
			your foot in the door of the business, 
			what do you do!  You turn out a piece 
			of shit like Bluntman and Chronic'.
<b>					WALT
</b>			Tell him, Steve-Dave.
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>				(off comic)
			Bluntman and Chronic'.  Pah.  
			What was that thing the little stoner 
			pulled on the villain in the last 
			issue!
<b>					WALT
</b>			The Stinky-palm.
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>			Stinky-palm.  You give comics a bad 
			name I tell all my customers not to 
			buy it, to spend their money on a real 
			comic book.
<b>					WALT
</b>			Fucking one hit wonder, dime-store 
			Frank Miller's.
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>			This is the reality at Comic-Toast - 
			you're not going to get your ass 
			kissed here, because both me and Walt 
			think you suck.
<b>					WALT
</b>			And me.
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>			I said that.
	Steve-Dave offers the boys his two middle fingers, then 
	goes back to playing his game with Walt.  Holden and 
	Banky stare, shocked.  Banky nudges Holden and they both 
	exit Steve-Dave and the Fan-boy slap hands and go back to 
	playing.
<b>					WALT
</b>			I've got a dragon card - forty power-
			ups and twelve life points!  Ha!  I 
			get your elf card!
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>			You're such a bitch!  But thankfully, 
			I've saved a dark forces Shaman card 
			for just such an occasion.
<b>					WALT
</b>			You suck!  Eighty six life-power 
			points to my twenty two!
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>			I schooled their asses, now I'm 
			schooling your's.
	Suddenly.  A trash can crashes through the front window. 
	Steve-Dave and Walt hit the deck like bitches, covering 
	one another.  They look up slowly. Steve-Dave leaps to 
	his feet and looks at the shattered mess.  He pulls 
	something off the garbage can and reads it.
<b>					WALT
</b>			You know it was those two fucks!  
			Let's call the cops and have them 
			busted!  I know where their studio is!  
			Or better yet, let's sue!  You can sue 
			them, Steve-Dave!
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>				(still reading note)
			That won't be necessary.
<b>					WALT
</b>			What?!  Why the hell not!
<b>					STEVE-DAVE
</b>				(holds up check)
			Because this is a check for three 
			times what that window cost.
				(reading note)
			Dear critics - thanks for the 
			insight. But like my grandmother 
			always said - Fuck 'em if they can't 
			take a joke.. and break their window.'  
			Kiss it,		Banky the Hack. 
			P.S. - Your card game blows.
<b>					WALT
</b>			He said Kiss it!
<b>	CREDITS
</b><b>	INT. COMIC BOOK: CONVENTION SIGNING BOOTH - DAY
</b>	A physically large FAN - sweaty brow, tote bag bursting 
	with comics - leans forward, smiling.
<b>					FAN
</b>			Could you sign it To a really big 
			fan!
	Holden sits at a table.  Across from the barely-managing-
	to-stand Fan.  He offers him a patronizingly kind, half-
	smile in return,
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You bet.
	We're at a Comic Book show, specifically at a book-
	signing. Behind Holden hangs a large banner, heralding 
	HOLDEN McNEIL AND BANKY EDWARDS -
	CREATORS OF BLUNTMAN AND CHRONIC'. Beside it is a large 
	mock-up of the comic book cover which features two stoner 
	super-heroes who bear a
	striking resemblance to a pair of very familiar friendly 
	neighborhood drug
	dealers, Holden hands the book back to the Fan.
<b>					FAN
</b>			I love this book man!  This shit's 
			awesome.  I wish I was like these guys 
			- getting stoned, talking all raw 
			about		chicks and fighting 
			supervillains!  I love these guys!  
			They're like Cheech and Chong' meet 
			Bill and fed'!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I like to chink of them as 
			Rosencrantz and Guildenstern' meet 
			Vladimir and Estragon'.
<b>					FAN
</b>			Yeah!
				(beat)
			Who!
	BANKY signs the book of another COLLECTOR.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			So you draw this!
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(signing the comic)
			I ink it and I'm also the colorist.  
			The guy next to me draws it.  But we 
			both came up with the characters,
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			What's that mean - you ink it'!
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Well.  It means that Holden draws the 
			pictures in pencil, and then he gives 
			it to me to go over in ink
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			So you just trace!
	Banky freezes up.  He composes himself and continues 
	signing.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			It's not tracing.  I add depth and 
			shading to give the image mere 
			definition. Only then does the drawing	
			really take shape.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			You go over what he draws with a pen - 
			that's tracing.
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(hands book back to 
				Collector)
			Not really.
				(calling out)
			Next!
	A LITTLE KID steps up but the Collector lingers.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Hey man.  If somebody draws something 
			and then you draw the same thing right 
			on top of it, not going out-side the 
			designated original art what do call 
			that!
<b>					LITTLE KID
</b>				(shrugs)
			I don't know.  Tracing?
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>				(to Banky)
			See?
<b>					BANKY
</b>			It's not tracing.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Oh, but it is.
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(to Little Kid)
			Do you want Lour book signed or what?
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Hey - don't get all testy with him 
			just because you have a problem with 
			your station in life.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			I'm secure with what I do.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Then say it - you're a tracer.
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(grabbing Little Kid's book)
			How should I sign this?
<b>					LITTLE KID
</b>				(grabs book back)
			I don't want you to sign it, I want 
			the guy that draws Bluntman and 
			Chronic to sign it.  You're just a 
			tracer.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Tell him, Little Shaver.
	Holden accepts a comic from another Fan.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(off comic)
			Who do I sign it to!
	Before Holden can finish, a loud crash is heard.  He 
	looks to his left and freaks.
	Banky is throttling the Collector from across the table. 
	The Collector attempts to fight him off.  SECURITY GUARDS 
	pull them apart. Holden grabs Banky.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Jesus!  All I did was call him a 
			tracer!
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(to Collector)
<b>			I'LL TRACE A CHALK LINE AROUND YOUR 
</b><b>			DEAD FUCKING BODY, YOU FUCK?!
</b><b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(to Security Guard)
			Could you get him out of here!
	The Security Guards drag the collector away.
<b>					COLLECTOR
</b>			Hey, wait a sec!  He jumped me!  And 
			you're dragging me away!!
				(exiting)
			Fucking tracer!
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(calling OC)
<b>			YOUR MOTHER'S A TRACER!!
</b><b> 
</b><b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Can I explain the audience principle 
			to you!  If you insult and accost 
			them, then we have no audience.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			He started it!  Fucking cock-knocker! 
			He's lucky I didn't put my pen through 
			his thorax!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Need I remind you...
				(holds up watch)
			Curtain's in ten minutes.
<b>	INT. COMIC BOOK CONVENTION LECTURE HALL - DAY
</b>	HOOPER fills the frame.  He comes off like a typical, pro-
	black/anti-white homeboy.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			For years in this industry whenever an 
			African-American character - hero or 
			villain - was introduced usually by 
			white artists and writers - they got 
			slapped with racist names that singled 
			them out as negroes: Black Panther, 
			Black Lightning, Black Goliath, Black	
			Mantra, Black Talon, Black Spider, 
			Black Hand, Black Falcon, Black Cat..
<b>					VOICE FROM CROWD
</b>			She's white.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			She is?
				(beat)
			Well bust this - regardless.
	We're at a panel discussion.  The room is full.  Five 
	creators sit at a long table, their names on placards in 
	front of them.  
	(One of them is a very striking Girl.)  The banner behind 
	them reads WORDS UP - MINORITY VOICES IN COMICS'.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(holds up comic)
			Now my book, White-Hating Coon', 
			doesn't have any of that bullshit. The 
			hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's a	
			descendant of the black tribe that 
			established the first society on the 
			planet, while all you European mother	
			fuckers were still hiding in caves and 
			shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a 
			strong role model that a young black	
			reader can look up to, Cause I'm here 
			to tell you - the chickens are comin' 
			home to roost, ya'll: the black man's	
			no longer gonna play the minstrel in 
			the medium of comics and Sci-
			Fi/Fantasy!  We're keeping it real, 
			and we're gonna get respect - 
			by any means necessary!
	During the speech, Holden and Banky enter and sit up 
	front.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(calling out)
			Bullshit!  Lando Calrissian was a 
			black man, and he got to fly the 
			Millennium Falcon!
	Hooper whips his head around, looking for the source of 
	the comment
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Who said that?!?
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(standing)
			I did!  Lando Calrissian is a positive 
			black role model in the realm of 
			Science Fiction/Fantasy.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Fuck Lando Calrissian!  Uncle Tom 
			nigger!  Always some white boy gotta 
			invoke the holy trilogy'! Bust this - 
			those movies are about how the white 
			man keeps the brother man down - even 
			in a galaxy far, far away.  Check		
			this shit.  You got cracker farm-boy 
			Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy - 
			blond hair, blue eyes.  
			And then you've got		Darth 
			Vader: the blackest brother in the 
			galaxy.  Nubian God.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			What's a Nubian?
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Shut the fuck up!  Now Vader, he's a 
			spiritual brother, with the force and 
			all that shit.  Then this cracker 
			Skywalker gets his hands on a light-
			saber, and the boy decides he's		
			gonna run the fucking universe - gets 
			a whole Klan of whites together, and 
			they're gonna bust up Vader's hood		
			the Death Star.  Now what the fuck do 
			you call that!
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Intergalactic Civil War!
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Gentrification.  They're gonna drive 
			our the black element, to make the 
			galaxy quote, unquote safe' for white 
			folks.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But Vader turns, out to be Luke's 
			father.  And in Jedi, they become 
			friends.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Don't make me bust a cap in your ass, 
			yo!  Jedi's the most insulting 
			installment, because Vader's 
			beautiful,		black visage is 
			sullied when he pulls off his mask to 
			reveal a feeble, crusty white man! 
			They're trying to tell us that deep 
			inside, we all want to be white!
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Well isn't that true!
	Hooper explodes, He pulls a nine millimeter from his 
	belt, draws on Banky and fires.  Banky goes down, falling 
	forward into the crowd The crowd screams and starts to 
	scatter, Hooper jumps over the table and raises his fists 
	in the air.
<b>					HOOPER
</b><b>			BLACK RAGE! BLACK RAGE!!  I'LL KILL 
</b><b>			ANY WHITE FOLKS I LAY MY MOTHER 
</b><b>			FUCKIN' EYES ON!!!
</b>	The crowd-is gone.  Holden sits in his chair, laughing. 
	Hooper steps off the stage and picks Banky's head up off 
	the floor.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(breaking character)
			What's a Nubian!'  Bitch, you almost 
			made me laugh!
	Hooper sounds different Actually, he sounds gay.  
	Actually - he is.  Banky smiles.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Well what about you!  You didn't tell 
			me you were going to scream Black 
			Rage'.  I nearly pissed myself.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How do you manage to get away with 
			this all the time?  Shouldn't cops be 
			busting your head open right about 
			now?
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Wrong coast.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(off gun)
			Well this right here - she full of 
			blanks, okay.  And Opiate gets all 
			sorts of legal clearances before I go 
			on.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Your publisher condones these 
			theatrics!
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Condones?  Honey, they insist.  I need 
			to sell the image to sell the book 
			Would the audience still buy the 
			Black Rage' angle if they found out 
			the book was written by a.. a...
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Faggot.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			When you say if it sounds so sexy...
				(he kisses Banky full on the 
				lips)
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(wipes his lips)
			Hey, hey!  I'll play your victim, but 
			not your catcher.
<b>					VOICE
</b>			How is it that you sound like Minister 
			Farakhan when you're on stage..
	They turn to see...
	A beautiful, blonde, ruffled-haired angel swinging her 
	purse in a circle. Her name is ALYSSA.  She's the 
	striking Girl from the panel who didn't get to say much.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			...and the King of Pop when you're 
			nor.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Look out, boys - this kitten has a 
			whip.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(shoves and slaps him)
			Always before I get to speak!  I swear 
			- the next con I attend and they ask 
			me to be on the minority panel, if I 
			see your name anywhere near the List, 
			I'm passing.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(defending himself)
			Holden.  Banky - this pile of P.M.S. 
			is Alyssa Jones.  She does that book 
			Idiosyncratic Routine'.  This is the 
			fourth panel we've been on together, 
			and even though she knows my publisher 
			sets this up and pays for the event. 
			She still gets mad when it ends with 
			my act.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I just wish I was the one who gets to 
			shoot you.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			That's what my father said when I came 
			- nay - leapt out of the closet
				(off guys)
			These boys do Bluntman and Chronic', 
			which outsells both of our books put 
			together, hence they're never on a 
			panel with the likes of us.  They 
			slumming right now.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			I've read your book.  It's cute.  
			Chick stuff, but cute.
	Holden hits him.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			What?
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(shoots him a look; to 
				Alyssa)
			Sorry about him.  He's dealing with 
			being an inker.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(to Banky)
			Oh. You trace!
	Banky seethes.
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(shaking her hand)
			I really enjoy your book I'm surprised 
			we've never met at any other Con's 
			before.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Lose the dick or change your skin tone 
			and we can get to know each other on 
			panel after panel while the Pink Black 
			Panther here plays Chuck D. for the 
			fanboys.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Hey, jealousy.
				(to the Boys)
			I told Alyssa I'd buy her a post-rave 
			drink.  Do the Garden-Staters have to 
			sprint to the Lincoln Tunnel, or can 
			you stay for a round in the big, scary 
			city!
<b>					BANKY
</b>			We're gonna take off soon...
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			We'll go.
	Banky offers Holden a puzzled glance.  Then he nods to 
	Hooper.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			We'll go.
<b>	INT BAR - NIGHT
</b>	Holden, Banky, Alyssa and Hooper sir around a table 
	drinking, talking, and smoking.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Archie, alright!  Archie and the 
			Riverdale gang were a pure and fun-
			lovin' bunch.  You can't find 
			dysfunction in those comics, because 
			they were just flat out wholesome.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Archie and Jughead were lovers.
				(sips his drink)
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Shut the fuck up.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			It's true.  Archie was the bitch and 
			Jughead was the butch - that's why 
			Jughead wears that crown-looking hat 
			all the time: he the king, of queen 
			Archie's world.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Man, I feel a hate-crime coming on
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He's got a point.  Archie never did 
			settle on Betty or Veronica.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Because he wanted them both at the 
			same time, you assholes!  He never 
			chose one because he was trying to get 
			both of them into a three-way!
<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(pulls out a dollar and hands 
				it to Banky)
			Here.  I want you to go down to the 
			corner store and buy yourself a clue. 
			Go on.
<b>					BANKY
</b>			Eat it.  Urkel.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			I told you to watch it with that Urkel 
			shit.  Face it, girl - Archie's a 
			sister.
<b>					BANKY
</b>				(getting up; to Hooper)
			That's it.  You.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Moi?
<b>					BANKY
</b>			You are marching back across the 
			street with me, and we're going to 
			pick up a shit load of Archie books, I 
			am going to prove to you - beyond the 
			shadow of a doubt that Archie was all 
			about pussy.  Come on.
<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(sliding out of booth)
			This boy is conflicted, I shall play 
			mother-therapist for him.  You two sit 
			tight.  We shall return promptly.
	Banky and Hooper exit, leaving Alyssa and Holden alone at 
	the table.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Is he always Like that!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			For years now.  Started back in third 
			grade - a nun was teaching us about 
			the Blessed Trinity.  She's going on 
			about the three persons in one God 
			thing - Father, Son, Holy Spirit - and 
			he just goes ballistic.  I guess it 
			was too big for him to grasp.  They 
			got into this huge fight.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Please.  How bad could it have been!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You ever seen a nun call a small child 
			a fucking cunt-rag'?  Wasn't pretty, 
			Shit like that's bound to happen when 
			you make a kid wear a matching tie and 
			slacks everyday.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And your parochial school 
			misadventures!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Limited to wine-tasting prior to mass. 
			Turned me into a grade school 
			alcoholic altar boy.  I couldn't tell 
			you how many mornings after serous 
			benders		I'd wake up next 
			to strange priests.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Aren't you the sharp wit!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sharp!  No.  I'm just a fan of clergy-
			molestation humor.  Probably why the 
			extended family quit inviting me to 
			First Communion parties.
	Alyssa laughs.  Holden smiles.
<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(looking OC)
			You play darts!
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Not professionally.  You know - only 
			in bars.



<b>	AT THE DART BOARD
</b>
	A dart hits the board then, one hits the wall beside the 
	board.

	Alyssa winds up with another dart.  Holden watches. Her's 
	always hit. His never do.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So your new book seems to be selling 
			like mad.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It goes back to something my 
			grandmother told me when I was a kid. 
			"Holden," she said "The big bucks are 
			in dick and fart jokes."  She was a 
			church-goer.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Uh-oh - the cry from the heart of a 
			real artist trapped in commercial hell 
			- pitying his good fortune.  I'm sure 
			you can dry your eyes on all those fat 
			checks you rake in.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm sorry - did I detect a note of 
			bitter envy in there!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Nope.  I'm happy my stuff gets read at 
			all.  There's very little market for 
			hearts and flowers in this spandex-
			clad, big pecs, big tits, big guns 
			field.  If I sell two issues, I feel 
			like John Grisham.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(looking out window)
			It's all about marketing.  Over- or 
			underweight guys who don't get laid - 
			they're our bread and butter.  People 
			like those two outside should be 
			yours.

	Through the window, we see a COUPLE making out on the 
	hood of a car.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			And sadly, there are more of our core 
			audience out there than yours.
				(smiles)
			Look at that, though - kind of gives 
			you a little charge, to see two people 
			in love.  And all over Banky's car, no 
			less.  That car's seeing more action 
			right now than it's seen in years.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Bubbly guy like that, it's hard to 
			figure out why.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(still looking at OC Couple)
			You've gotta respect that kind of 
			display of affection.  It's crazy, 
			rude, self-absorbed - but it's love.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That's not love.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Says you.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That out there!  That's fleeting.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Fleeting.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Uh-huh.  You wanna hear about love!  
			Oh, I'll tell you about love.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			A story?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			The story.  The original love story.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			'Doctor Zhivago'.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Nope.  My mother's uncle.  He was a 
			millionaire.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Get out.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I kid you not.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Explain.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			All through high school, he dated this 
			one girl.  They  were inseparable.  
			And when they graduated, she went off 
			to Carnegie Mellon...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			In Pittsburgh.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm impressed.  So he stays in the 
			home town, and they begin their long-
			distance relationship.  The plan is, 
			on the  third Sunday of every month, 
			he'll train out, spend a week then 
			train back They do this for four 
			years.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			That is love.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Not nearly finished.  Two months 
			before she's going to graduate, he's 
			got this job digging graves, and he 
			comes across...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			A stiff.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			A steamer trunk containing silver 
			ingots.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Get out of here.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Many, many silver ingots.  Now, my 
			mother's uncle being quite the 
			ingenious chap - he buries the trunk  
			again and heads up to the main office, 
			where he proceeds to purchase a 
			cemetery plot.  Guess which one?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Clever.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So now he owns the plot and all of its 
			contents.  Two  days later, my 
			mother's uncle is worth three million.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			At which time he marries the high 
			school sweetheart and lives happily 
			ever after.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Not even close.  Inside the steamer 
			trunk, stenciled into the wood, or 
			something like that, is a curse.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Someone wrote 'Fuck' inside his new 
			steamer trunk.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Not that kind of curse.  A cryptic 
			curse "Great fortune means great loss" 
			it said.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What kind of asshole writes that 
			inside a steamer trunk!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			The same kind of asshole that buries 
			silver ingots.  The day my mother's 
			uncle is heading out to see the girl, 
			he stops at his accountant's to grab 
			some cash, and winds up missing his 
			train.  So he has to take the next one 
			- which he does - and he gets there an 
			hour later than his usual time of 
			arrival, whereupon he sees lights.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			A hero's welcome for the new 
			millionaire.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			It seems that while she was standing 
			on the platform waiting that extra 
			hour for my mother's uncle to show up, 
			the girl was dragged into the bushes 
			by an unknown assailant, raped and 
			gutted.

	Holden is silent Alyssa downs her drink.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			The assailant was never apprehended.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			That's a love story!!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yes, and here's why: my mother's uncle 
			rode that train every day for the rest 
			of his life.  One day up, the next day 
			back.  Did that 'till the day he died.  
			He donated the fortune he'd acquired 
			to the train station in Pittsburgh, to 
			have a well-lit terminal built.  
			The train line let him ride for free 
			after that.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I should hope so.  Jesus, that's the 
			saddest tale I've ever heard.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That's my love story.

	Alyssa tosses her last dart.  Holden seems a bit dazed.  
	He looks out the window.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Those two aren't on the hood of 
			Banky's car anymore.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I told you It wasn't love.
				(grabs her purse)
			I gotta split.  It was really nice 
			meeting you.  I wish you the best of 
			luck with your book.
				(shakes his hand)
			Tell Hooper I'll call him later.  And 
			tell your friend to calm down.

	Alyssa exits to the night.  Holden stares after her.  Two 
	beats later, Hooper and Banky enter, holding an 
	'Everything's Archie' comic between them.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			You're insane.  Archie is not fucking 
			Mister Weatherbee!

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Deny, deny, deny.
				(to Holden)
			Where's Alyssa?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Huh!  Oh.  She left.  She said she'd 
			call you later.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(off comic)
			He's just offering to help Archie with 
			his homework!

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Read between the lines.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(shoves book at him)
			Fuck this.
				(to Holden)
			Let's go.  Traffic.
				(no response from Holden)
			Holden!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(shaken)
			What!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Let's go.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(looking out window)
			D'jou see that dent in the hood of 
			your car!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(looking out window)
			What the...!  Son of a bitch!

	Banky runs out Holden shrugs at Hooper.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Let me guess: you like her!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Who?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Miss Alyssa Jones.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			She's alright.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			As long as that's all.
				(finishes drink)
			Maybe you can convince that partner of 
			your's to drop me off downtown before 
			you scurry out the tunnel!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			Mister Weatherbee wasn't really trying 
			to fuck Archie, was he!

	They begin exiting.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Hell no.  Weatherbee was Reggie's 
			bitch.



<b>	INT. STUDIO - DAY
</b>
	We're in Holden and Banky's studio/apartment.  It's a 
	rented loft-style place with high ceilings, wood floors 
	and sparse furnishings.  There are posters on the walls, 
	a sort of kitchenette, a hockey net, a big TV. (with all 
	the trimmings - VCR, Laserdisc player, Sega, SNES), a 
	huge comfy couch, and two drawing boards with adjacent 
	desks (littered with pencils, pens, coloring pencils, 
	paints, erasers, etc.) - at which sit Holden and Banky.  
	They're working.  Some music plays.

	C.U. OF HOLDEN PENCILING - over his shoulder, we see 
	Holden sketching Chronic in mid-attack of his arch-
	nemesis - the Giggler.  Holden erases a line and re-
	draws.

	C.U. OF BANKY INKING - over his shoulder, we see Banky 
	outlining a pre-penciled page.  He traces Bluntman 
	swinging from a street light.

	The two work in silence.  Then...

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(not looking up)
			This is one of the best street lights 
			you've ever drawn.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's the one across from the post 
			office.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Looks just like it.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Thanks.
				(beat)
			What do you wanna do tonight!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Get a pizza.  Watch 'Degrassi Junior 
			High'.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(erases)
			You got a weird thing for Canadian 
			melodrama.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I've got a weird thing for girls who 
			say 'aboot'.

	The phone starts ringing.  Holden answers it, while still 
	drawing.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Bank-Hold-Up.

	CROSSCUT between Holden and Hooper.  He's on a phone in a 
<b>	CLUB.
</b>
<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Hooper here.  Listen, I know how you 
			burb-fiends hate the city, but there's 
			a club shindig going down that I think 
			you'd get into.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Where is it?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Place called Her-sterectomy - I'm 
			tempting as bar-keep.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't know, Hoop.  We're prepping 
			the next issue, and we've got our big 
			M-TV meeting in the morning.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			I told her you wouldn't be interested.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Told who?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Alyssa.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Alyssa from last night Alyssa?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			How do you begin and end a question 
			with the same word like that?  You got 
			skill.  Yes, that one.  She asked me 
			to invite you.  Now here's the part 
			where you say...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'll be there.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Thought so.  Ten o'clock.  Later.
				(both hang up)

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Who was that?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Hooper.  He invited me to a club.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			When's that faggot going to learn - 
			you like chicks.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(getting up)
			Not that kind of a club.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			So when we leaving?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			'We'?  You can't go.  He's setting me 
			up with Alyssa.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			And?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			And I don't want you messing it up.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Like I care about your shit.  Maybe 
			I'll hook up myself.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(pulling on coat)
			I just told you - it's not that kind 
			of club.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			How does one man get to be so funny!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(throws him his coat)
			How are you going to get home if I 
			hook up!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Like that'll happen.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Let me explain something to you, my 
			witless chum the other night in that 
			bar, we two - Alyssa and I shared a 
			moment, alright!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Oh, you had a moment!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(brings his two pointer 
				fingers together)
			We shared a moment.  And in that 
			moment, one thing was made abundantly 
			clear: this girl loves me, my friend.   
			Loves-me.



<b>6.	INT. HER-STERECTOMY - NIGHT						6.
</b>
	It's a club - people are mingling, a band is playing, 
	it's loud.  But something's fishy.  Hooper's tending bar.  
	He hands a GUY a drink.  The Guy sips it.

<b>					GUY
</b>			This is so watered down.  It's 
			terrible.  Why is it you can never get 
			a decent drink in these places!

	Hooper looks around in a very exaggerated fashion.

<b>					GUY
</b>			What are you doing!

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Trying to find you a tissue.

	The Guy shoots Hooper an angry glare, Banky enters.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Alright - bring on the free hootch.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			As long as you don't bitch about how 
			little alcohol is in the drink.
				(hands Banky a drink; to Guy)
			You owe me five sixty.

<b>					GUY
</b>				(off Banky)
			And I suppose you're going to make 
			your friend here pay for his drink 
			right!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Hey, I befriended a guy in a position 
			of authority so I could abuse that 
			authority and get free shit.  You want 
			to do the same?  There's a lonely 
			Hindu works at the'7-ll' across the 
			street.  Get in tight with him.

	The Guy angrily pulls out his money and slams it on the 
	bar.

<b>					GUY
</b>			I work at that '7-11'!
				(storms away)

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(calling after him)
			Wanna be friends!

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Where's your better half!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Taking a piss.  Guy's got a bladder 
			like an infant.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			That's funny - he says you're hung 
			like an infant.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Must his mother tell him everything!

	Holden enters.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What'd you do - fall in love?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Where is she?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Over there...

	ON THE DANCE FLOOR - in the middle of a thrall of people - 
	dances Alyssa.  She moves like a cat and she's looking 
	very sexy.

<b>					OC HOOPER
</b>			Been dancin' for an hour.  Hasn't 
			stopped yet.

	Hooper, Holden, and Banky stare OC.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			She ain't no Denny Terrio, I'll say 
			that.

	Holden smacks Banky and moves to exit.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Wait. wait, wait - there's something 
			you should know.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			She's got a boyfriend.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Well.. no.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Then what's to know?

	Holden exits; They watch him go.  Banky looks around.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			There're a lot of chicks in this 
			place.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			'Chicks'.  You're such a man.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(beat)
			He didn't really say that about my 
			dick, did he!

	ON THE DANCE FLOOR - Holden slips into the crowd and 
	dances up to Alyssa.  He intentionally bumps into her.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(fake rage, dancing)
			Hey, hey, hey - you fucked up my 
			cabbage-patch!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Well, well, well - Bluntman himself.  
			Or should I call you Chronic!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Call me flattered.  I heard you sent 
			me the invite to this little soiree'.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			From a former home-town girl, to 
			Mister Home-Town himself.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You're saying you're from the 'burbs!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Middletown, N.J.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Get out of here!  I'm from Highlands!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I know.  Hooper told me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How is it that we never ran into one 
			another?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You graduate from Hudson?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yeah.  Eighty eight.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I went to North.  Also eighty eight.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What a small fucking world.  So you 
			know the tri-town area!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Quiz me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Miller Hill?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I wrote my name on the wall.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sandy Hook?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Lost my virginity there.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			This is so cool.  The mall!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Eden Prairie of Menlo Park!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Wait - here's the big test: Quick 
			Stop!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			My best friend fucked a dead guy in 
			the back room.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You know that girl!!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I did.  Before she was committed.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You know what this is!  This is fate.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(regarding her move)
			No, this is the 'Rog'.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I was talking about us meeting - what 
			are the chances!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Pretty slim.  I haven't been back to 
			the 'burbs since my friend's funeral.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			The Quick Stop girl died!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Another friend - Julie Dwyer.  She 
			died in the..

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Y.M.C.A pool!  Damn!  You knew her 
			too!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So well.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			One friend in an asylum, the other 
			friend in the grave.  You're a 
			dangerous person to know.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			But I can tap.
				(does an impromptu tap dance)
			That was the Buffalo Two-Step.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Very solid.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That's what six years of tap lessons 
			yields.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Two towns away from each other for 
			years and we had to meet in New York.

	The Sand stops playing. People clap.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Coulda been worse - we could have not 
			met at all.

	Holden looks at her.

<b>					OC SINGER
</b>			Thank you.  Thanks.

	The SINGER on stage speaks into the microphone.

<b>					SINGER
</b>			A long time ago, we used to have this 
			bass player who took off one day to 
			draw funny books or something.  Maybe 
			you've seen her stuff - it's called 
			'Idiosyncratic Routine''

	The crowd applauds.  Alyssa shakes her head, smiling. 
	Holden pokes her.

<b>					SINGER
</b>			But what a lot of people don't know is 
			that she used to harbor these 
			delusions that she could sing.  And 
			she used to subject us to these 
			throaty renditions of Debbie Gibson 
			tunes and shit, insisting that we let 
			her front on a few numbers.  Well, we 
			didn't and she quit.. and then she got 
			famous, the bitch.
				(crowd laughs)
			But she's here tonight, and I think if 
			we all begged, or maybe offered her 
			some X, she'd get up here and treat us 
			to some of her vocal stylings.
				(crowd applauds)
			What do you say, Alyssa?

	Alyssa shakes her head no.  The crowd urges her.  Holden 
	pushes her forward.

<b>					SINGER
</b>			She's shy.
				(yelling)
<b>			GET UP HERE AND SING, BITCH!!
</b>
	The crowd thunders.  Alyssa offers the Singer an 
	embarrassed half-smile.  She looks at Holden, who claps 
	along with the others and nods toward the stage.  Alyssa 
	shakes her head and relents, heading through the crowd

	Banky and Hooper stand at the bar.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			This is so queer.
				(he exits)

<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(beat)
			You don't know the half of it.

	Alyssa jumps on stage, hugging the Singer.  She takes the 
	mic, shaking her head.  The crowd is applauding.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			She is such a twat.

	The crowd cheers.  Alyssa laughs.  She turns to the band 
	and says something which they nod.  She turns back to the 
	crowd.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Alright.  I should dedicate this, 
			right?
				(thinks)
			This is for that special someone our 
			there.

	Holden smiles.  Banky joins him.  Holden glances at him.  
	Banky offers a mocking mimic of his smile.

	The band starts playing.  Cross cutting begins.

	Alyssa launches into a torchy tune.  The song is 
	extremely sexy - as is Alyssa who works the mic, making 
	direct eye contact with...

	Holden.  Or does she!  Holden is smiling, being seduced,  
	Banky rolls his eyes.  Beside Holden, stands a pretty 
	GIRL with a short haircut, who's also riveted by Alyssa's 
	performance.

	Alyssa makes big-time eye contact with somebody out 
	there.  
	The song seems to be aimed at whoever she's looking at.  
	It's more than obvious there's a seduction going on, bur 
	of whom!  At the end of the song, the crowd goes wild but 
	Alyssa's preoccupied.  She points to someone in the 
	crowd, and curls her finger back in a 'c'mere' fashion, 
	urging whoever it is to join her.  She jumps off the 
	stage.

	Holden shakes his head sheepishly and looks downward, aw-
	shucks style.  At that moment, the Girl beside him leaps 
	forward.  Banky's eyes widen.  Holden looks up and is 
	suddenly taken aback.

	Alyssa and the Girl race into each other's arms and fall 
	into a way-to-passionate-to-mean-anything-else kiss.

	Holden's eyes bug.  Banky allows a smile to creep across 
	his face.  The crowd applauds.  Banky looks around, and 
	for the first time, we get the distinct impression that 
	this is a lesbian bar...

	There are a lot of chicks in this place.  Gay chicks.  
	Banky looks at Holden and slaps him on the back.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Now that, my friend, is a..
				(brings his fingers together, 
				mimicing Holden)
			...shared moment

	Holden continues to stare - mouth agape.

	Alyssa and the Girl continue to kiss.



<b>	INT. HER-STERECTOMY - LATER
</b>
	Banky, Holden, Alyssa and the Girl from the dance floor 
	sit around a table.  Alyssa and the Girl continue to make 
	out.  Holden and Banky casually watch, wide-eyed.  Banky 
	stares a little harder.  Holden hits him.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What?!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(under his breath)
			That's rude.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Man, when are we ever going to get a 
			chance to see this kind of shit live 
			without paying for it?

	Alyssa and the Girl break their kiss.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Uh-oh - better knock it off: we're 
			getting a man excited.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sorry.  It's just... new to him.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Oh, and you're an old hand at this.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No, I should apologize.  I don't 
			usually get all mushy in public.  But 
			it's been awhile since I've seen Kim 
			here.

<b>					KIM
</b>				(formerly the Girl)
			Tell me you didn't set that gross 
			display up with the band just so you 
			could nail me.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Like I'd have to go through that much 
			effort

<b>					KIM
</b>			You know what!  I want to dance.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Go ahead.  I'll watch from here.

<b>					KIM
</b>				(tugging at her arm)
			No.  I want to dance with you.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Don't be such a rag.  I have to sit 
			here and work up the desire to fuck 
			you later.

<b>					KIM
</b>			Please.

	Kim exits.  Banky is smiling ear-to-ear.  Alyssa looks at 
	him.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yes?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			You said 'fuck'.  To that girl.  You 
			said you'd 'fuck' her.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			How can a girl 'fuck' another girl! 
			Were you talking about strap-ons or 
			something?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(hits him)
			Would you shut up!!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What!!?  It's a valid question.  You 
			know the dyke stuff in the Penthouse 
			Letters section is written by guys - 
			this is our chance to get the inside 
			scoop.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(to Alyssa)
			I don't know how many times I can 
			apologize for him.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			It's okay.  Secretly, all I really 
			want is to be the center of attention.
				(to Banky)
			I've never used a snap-on.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Then what's with saying 'fuck?  
			Shouldn't you say 'eat her out' or at 
			least modify the term 'fuck' with 
			something like 'fist'?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Let me ask you a question - can men 
			'fuck' each other!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Ask Hooper.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			In your estimation.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Sure.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So for you, to 'fuck' means to 
			penetrate.  You're used to the more 
			traditional definition - you inside 
			some girl you've duped, jack-hammering 
			away, not noticing that bored look in 
			her eyes.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Hey - I always notice the bored look 
			in their eyes.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(laughs)
			'Fucking' is nor limited to 
			penetration, Banky. For me it 
			describes any sex when it's not 
			totally about love.  I don't love Kim, 
			but I'll fuck her.  I'm sure you don't 
			love every girl you sleep with.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Some of them I downright loathe.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			But I'll bet it's different with the 
			ones you love.  I'll bet you go the 
			full nine when it's not just a quick 
			fix - like you go down on them longer 
			or something.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Here we go.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I don't do that.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			What?!?!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I stopped dropping.  It got to be too 
			frustrating.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			As stupid as you usually come off 
			during this diatribe of your's, you're 
			going to come off ten times as stupid 
			on this occasion.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What?!  I lost my tolerance for the 
			bullshit baggage that comes with 
			eating girls out.  What's the big 
			deal?!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			If you say the smell, so help me, I'll 
			slug you.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Not the smell - the smell is good.  
			I'm talking about not being able to do 
			it property.  And my mother brought me 
			up to believe that if I can't do 
			something
			right I shouldn't do it at all.  Of 
			course, my father told me she gave 
			lousy head, but that's beside the 
			point.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			At least you blame yourself for your 
			sexual inadequacies.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			No, I blame them.  Chicks never help 
			you out.  They never tell you what to 
			do.  And most of them are self-
			conscious about that smell factor, and 
			so most of the time they just lay 
			there, frozen like a deer in the 
			headlights, right?  Not for nothing, 
			but when a chick goes down on me.  I 
			let her know where to go, and what the 
			status is.  You gotta handle it like 
			CNN and the Weather Channel - constant 
			updates.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You're such an idiot.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No, he's got a point.  That's how I 
			was in high school - I was nervous, 
			and inhibited about being eaten out.  
			But by the time I got to college, that 
			all changed.  I loosened up.  Not only 
			did I learn to communicate - I learned 
			to be bossy.  
			I was like one of those guys at the 
			airport with those big flash lights - 
			waving them this way, directing them 
			that way, telling them when to stop.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			And that's all I'm saying, it'd be 
			different if chicks helped out - 
			pointed a guy in the right direction.  
			Then there'd be no bullshit, no wasted 
			time, and no chance for permanent 
			injuries.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Permanent injuries?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Sure.  You wanna see something 
			permanent!
				(pulls our front tooth)
			I got this from Nina Rollins, 
			sophomore year.  I'm going down on 
			her, and out of nowhere, her cat jumps 
			on her stomach.  She does this big ol' 
			pelvic thrust - cracks my tooth in 
			half, sends it down my throat.  I had 
			to get a crown for the stub.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(to Holden)
			I got that beat.
				(to Banky)
			I got that beat.
				(half-turns and lifts chin)
			Sophomore year.  I'm going down on 
			Cynthia Slater in her dorm room after 
			we went club-hopping.  I'm totally 
			drunk, and in the middle of it, I fall 
			asleep - right there in her lap.  She 
			got so mad, she digs her heel into my
			back, right there.
				(points to scar)
			That's permanent.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			You see this!
				(moves neck slightly right)
			That's the farthest I can move my neck 
			to the right Sophomore year, I'm going 
			out with Maria Bennert, and for six 
			months, I'm going down on her, and not 
			a damn thing's happening.  
			Then one night, I change a position, 
			or vary my lapping-speed, and suddenly 
			it's a whole new world.  She's moving 
			around, convulsing, breathing heavy.  
			And her legs are pressing against my 
			ears so tightly that I don't hear her 
			father come into the room.  He grabs 
			my hair...
				(grabs his own hair and pulls 
				back)
			...and he pulls me way back, hard.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(throws up her leg, and rolls 
				up pants)
			Senior year.  Spring Formal.  I'm 
			eating our Missy Kurt in her brother's 
			car.  She's laying across the back 
			seat, and I'm half-hanging out of the 
			car, my knees on the ground.  She's 
			flailing around, and she knocks the 
			parking brake off.  The car starts 
			rolling down the hill, and my right 
			knee is cut up all to shit like a 
			kiddy's scissor class cut it up for 
			paper dolls.

	Banky and Alyssa laugh.  Holden looks at a small scar on 
	his arm and thinks better about mentioning it.  Then Kim 
	re-enters and plants a big kiss on Alyssa's neck.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(off Banky's watch)
			Holy shit, is that the time.  We've 
			gotta beat traffic.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What traffic - it's one thirty in the 
			morning!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(getting up)
			And rush hour starts in six hours.  
			Let's go.
				(to Alyssa)
			Thanks for inviting us out.  It was... 
			educational.

	Alyssa waves at him as he exits.  Banky slides out of the 
	booth.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(to Kim)
			Since you like chicks, right.. 
			do you just look at yourself in the 
			mirror all the time?

	Holden reaches in and pulls Banky out.  Alyssa watches 
	them go, then turns and kisses Kim.



<b>	INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY
</b>
	Holden looks preoccupied.  Banky flips through magazines, 
	biting off mini pieces of the gum he's chewing.  He 
	sticks them between pages, presses the mag closed, picks 
	up another one and then repeats the whole process.  A 
	Receptionist types.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(off Holden's look)
			You're still dwelling on the dyke, 
			aren't you?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Lower your voice.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What'd I tell you - she just needs the 
			right guy.  All every woman really 
			wants - be it mother, senator, nun - 
			is some serious deep-dicking.

	The Receptionist stops typing and looks at Banky, 
	shocked.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(off her look)
			Don't give me that look - I heard Adam 
			Curry say worse.

	The Secretary goes back to typing.  Banky shrugs at 
	Holden.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			That's why I can't buy lesbians.  
			Everyone needs dick.  See, I can buy 
			fags.  Bunch of guys that need dick - 
			just plain need it?  That I get.  
			Dykes?  Bullshit posturing.  But - 
			live and let live, I guess.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm sure the gay community appreciates 
			your support.

	JOHN SLOSS, the boy's lawyer, joins them.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Please tell me you haven't blown this 
			deal already.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Sloss like a mother fucker.
				(slaps his hand)

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Hey, every mother but your's - a 
			shyster's gotta have his standards. 
			Shall we?



<b>	INT. M-TV EXEC'S OFFICE - DAY
</b>
	The EXECS are a casual couple of guys, sitting on couches 
	across from our trio.

<b>					EXEC 1
</b>			We just want to start off by saying 
			that it's a pleasure to finally meet 
			you.  While it's been - shall we say - 
			an experience dealing with Sloss here, 
			one of the main reasons we started 
			this whole thing was to meet the guys 
			that do 'Bluntman and Chronic'.

<b>					EXEC 2
</b>				(points at them)
			'Snootchie Bootchies'.

	The Execs and Sloss laugh.  Holden and Banky politely 
	join in.  Banky shoots Holden a 'these guys are idiots' 
	look.

<b>					EXEC 1
</b>			Which brings us to our proposal: we 
			are extremely interested in doing 
			twelve, half-hour 'Bluntman and 
			Chronic' cartoons.  The age of Beavis 
			is coming to a close, and we're 
			looking for something... something...

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Even more retarded and juvenile to 
			sate the voracious, intellectually-
			challenged miscreants that make up 
			your key demographic.

	The Execs laugh hard.  Sloss secretly shrugs to Banky and 
	gives the thumbs up.

<b>					EXEC 1
</b>				(composes himself)
			So what do you say! Are we in 
			business!

	Banky leans back into the couch, wearing a thoughtful 
	face.  He looks to Holden, then to Sloss.  Sloss nods in 
	understanding.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Jim, Sean - could we have a few 
			minutes!

<b>					EXEC 2
</b>				(looks to Exec 1)
			Uh... absolutely.  We'll just..

<b>					EXEC 1
</b>			Uh...wait outside

	The Exec's smile and head our, closing the door behind 
	then.  Sloss turns to Banky.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			So?  Did I do good?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			You did better - you sold us out!

	They clasp hands and quietly explode in ebullience.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Do you know how much you'll make on 
			merchandising alone!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(as Simon Bar Sinister)
			Money and Power, and Money and 
			Power...

<b>					SLOSS
</b>				(joins in)
			Money dnd Power, and Money and...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(interrupting)
			I don't think it's a good idea.

	Banky and Sloss freeze.  They stare at Holden.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What's not a good idea!  Please don't 
			say the cartoon, please don't say the 
			cartoon...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			The cartoon.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			What?!?  Are you out of your fucking 
			mind!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(getting up)
			John, let me handle this.
				( to Holden)
			You are out of your fucking mind, 
			aren't you!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Is this how you want to be remembered!  
			As the guy who created Bluntman and 
			Chronic!

	Banky sits at the Exec's desk and starts rifling through 
	the guy's stuff.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			No, I'd like to be remembered as the 
			filthy rich guy who created Bluntman 
			and Chronic.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But it'll be all glossy and main-
			stream.  We'll lose any artistic 
			credibility we ever had.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>				(to Banky)
			Is it me!  I don't see the problem.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(to Sloss)
			He just has to get over this crush of 
			his.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Oh God - not on Carrie Fisher again!
				(to Holden)
			Holden - she's not really a Princess.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(opening drawer with a letter 
				opener)
			Not on her; on Alyssa Jones - the 
			chick that does that comic book 
			'Idiosyncratic Routine'.  You ever 
			seen it?

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Please.  Like I even read your comic, 
			let alone anyone else's,
				(to Holden)
			I'm not limited to offering you legal 
			counsel only, my friend.  I'm also 
			learned in the ways of the heart, and 
			can offer you this advice - nail her, 
			get it out of your system, and move 
			on.  Like we say at Sloss Law - good 
			fences make good neighbors.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			She'd never let him in her yard.  The 
			chick's gay.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>				(laughing)
			She's gay?  You fell for a gay, comic-
			book writing chick?  Holden, you poor, 
			poor man!
				(beat)
			Wait a sec - does she have 
			representation!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Always working, you.
				(holds up a Polaroid of a 
				naked woman)
			Look at this - Mrs. M-TV Exec has a 
			string of pearls hanging our of her 
			ass,

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			Would you leave his stuff alone!
				(to Holden)
			You can break her resolve, killer.  
			All it takes is one good man.  But if 
			it takes two good men, don't hesitate 
			to call me.  That being said, in 
			regards to the more pressing issue, I 
			suggest you leave art to the museums 
			and grab on with both hands to the 
			big, fat check.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'll give it some thought

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(holding up Polaroid)
			I'm taking this as a precaution - just 
			in case they give us any shit about 
			pussy's decision delay.
				(glaring at Holden)
			You'll 'give it some thought'.  You're 
			so retarded

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm retarded!  This from the guy who 
			only forty five minutes ago paid fifty 
			bucks for what's supposed to be a boot-
			leg of 'March of the Wooden Soldiers' 
			with a deleted scene of Stan Laurel 
			wearing a French Tickler.

<b>					SLOSS
</b>			How'd you fall for that!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			The guy who sold it to me had an 
			honest face.



<b>	INT. STUDIO - DAY
</b>
	There is a door.  There's a knock at the door.  Holden 
	opens it and Alyssa is standing there.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Somebody told me that they make comic 
			books here, and I've got an idea for 
			this story about a guy who comes to a 
			club and high-tails it when he finds 
			out this girl is pay.  Any interest in 
			a story like that!

	Holden smiles.



<b>	EXT. RIVERFRONT PARK - DAY
</b>
	Alyssa and Holden walk through the park, eating hot dogs.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b><b>			M-TV?
</b>
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Twelve episodes.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That's great, isn't it?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Banky seems to think so.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			But you don't.

	They come to a swing set and sit down on the swings.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't know if that's the perception 
			I want people to have of our stuff.  I 
			know this sounds pretentious as hell, 
			but I like to think of us as artists.  
			And I'd like to get back to doing 
			something more personal - like our 
			first book.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Well when are you going to do that?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			As soon as we have something personal 
			to say.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Do you know how pretty you are?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You're a pretty man.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Uh... thanks.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Oh.  I get it.  I'm into girls, so I 
			have to find all men repulsive or 
			something.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I didn't say anything.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Aren't there some men that you find 
			attractive?  Granted, not enough to 
			sleep with, but still - just handsome 
			or something!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sure.  Harrison Ford.  And our mail-
			man.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Well it's the same thing.  I look at 
			you and just find you really handsome.  
			And you know, it has very little to do 
			with your look, per-se.  Your look is 
			fine, don't get me wrong.  But it's 
			more your outlook.  The things you 
			say, the way you see things.  It's... 
			I don't know... attractive,

	Holden looks away, embarrassed,

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I weirded you our the other night

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Huh!  No, not really.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Come on.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			It's just that we've.., I mean, I've 
			never seen that kind of thing up close 
			and personal.  It just took awhile to 
			process, longer than usual.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Do you want to talk about it!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Um.  If you want to.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I like you.  I haven't liked a man in 
			a long time.  And I'm not a man-hater 
			or something.  It's just been some 
			time since I've been exposed to a man 
			that didn't immediately live-into a 
			stereotype of some sort.  And I want 
			you to feel comfortable with me, 
			because I want us to be friends.  So 
			if there are things you'd like to 
			know, it's okay to ask me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			Why girls?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(beat)
			Why men?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Because that's the standard

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			If that's the only reason you're 
			attracted to women - because it's the 
			standard..

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's more than that.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So you've never been curious about 
			men?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Curious about men?  Well... I always 
			wondered why my father watched 'Hee-
			Haw'.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You know what I mean.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			No.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Why not!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			No interest.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Because...?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Girls feel right.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And that's how I feel.  I've never 
			really been attracted to men.  I'm 
			more comfortable with the idea of 
			girls.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Wait, wait, wait - you're still a 
			virgin?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But you've only been with girls.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You're saying a person's a virgin 
			until they've had intercourse with a 
			member of the opposite sex?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Isn't that the standard definition?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Again with the standards.  I think 
			virginity is lost when you make love 
			for the first time.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			With a member of the opposite sex.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Why?  Why only then?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Because that's the standard.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So if a virgin is raped, then she's 
			still a virgin?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Of course not.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			But rape is not the standard.  So 
			she's had sex, but not the standard 
			idea of sex.  Hence, according to  
			your definition, she'd still be a 
			virgin.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Okay, I'll revise.  Virginity is lost 
			when the hymen is broken.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Then I lost my virginity at ten, 
			because I fell on a fence post when I 
			was ten, and it broke my hymen.  Now I 
			have to tell people that I lost it to 
			a wooden post I'd known my whole young 
			life?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Second revision - virginity is lost 
			through penetration.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Physical penetration or emotional?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Emotional?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Well, I fell in love hard with Caitlin 
			Bree when we were in high school.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Physical penetration.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			We had sex.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yeah, but not real sex.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I move to have that remark stricken 
			from the record.  On account of it 
			makes you come off as completely naive 
			and infantile.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Well where's the penetration in 
			lesbian sex.

	Alyssa holds up her hand.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			A finger?  Come on.  I've had my 
			finger in my ass but I wouldn't say 
			I've had anal sex.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Did I hold up a finger?
				(waves her hand)

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat; then he gets it)
			You're kidding?!?!
				(she nods)
			How...?!?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Our bodies are built to pass a child, 
			for Christ's sake.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But doesn't it hurt?!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Sure.  But in a good way.  And it's 
			only a once-in-awhile thing - reserved 
			for really special occasions.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What about not-so-special occasions?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Tongue only.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But how can that be enough?  I mean, 
			let's be real - how big can a tongue 
			even get?

	Alyssa swallows what she's chewing and releases her 
	tongue, which is just huge.  Holden is transfixed.  
	Alyssa wraps it back up and smiles, standing.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Let's go.

	She exits. Holden remains in the swing.  Alyssa comes 
	back in.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Come on.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Just...uh... just give me a moment.



<b>	INT AIRPORT - DAY
</b>
	Holden enters. Banky tries to balance way-too-much 
	luggage.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Look at you.  It's a two day trip.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I got the Sega in one bag, my clothes 
			in the other, and two months worth of 
			unread comics in this one.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			We're going to a convention, for the 
			love of God.  We'll be busy from ten 
			'till eight each day. 
			When are you possibly going to have 
			time for any of that shit?  In fact, 
			fuck it - you're leaving some of this 
			shit here in a locker.  Come on - give 
			me the two that aren't clothes.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Hold on.
				(starts rifling through one 
				bag)

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What are you doing?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I just have to get something.
				(pulls out a huge stack of 
				porno books)

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt?  
			What are you going to do with all of 
			those?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Read the articles.  What do you think 
			I'm going to do with them?  They're 
			stroke books.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You've got like thirty books there!  
			We're only there for two days!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(leafing through mags)
			Variety's the spice of life.  I like a 
			wide selection.  Sometimes I'm in the 
			mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I 
			like them arty and air-brushed.  Some 
			times it's a spread brown-eye kind of 
			night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl 
			time.  Sometimes a steamy letter will 
			do it, sometimes - not often, but 
			sometimes - I like the idea of a chick 
			with a horse.

	A beeping sound is heard.  Holden checks his beeper.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Go check us in.  I've gotta call 
			Alyssa.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			His master's voice.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Put that stuff away.

	Holden exits.  Banky starts packing his mags up.  A 
	little KID enters, staring at him.

<b>					KID
</b>			What are those?

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(looks at kid then books)
			Do you Like horsies?

	Holden finishes dialing the phone.  Cross cut between him 
	and Alyssa at home.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I hope for the sake of the women 
			you've dated that you're only this 
			quick in returning calls.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What's up?  I'm about to get on a 
			plane.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Ohhh.  Why!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Last minute invite to the Dragon Con'.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Shit.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			My sister's at my parents'.  I was 
			gonna go see her.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			The one that wrote the book?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yeah.  But I was staying all weekend, 
			and I wanted to hang our with you.  
			This sucks.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You didn't get invited to the Con'?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I don't do southern con's - all the 
			chicks have that annoying drawl.  You 
			know how hard it is nor to laugh when 
			someone moans "Fuhhk me"?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Well this sucks.
				(thinks)
			You know - both of us don't have to 
			go.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Really?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yeah.  Banky can go by himself.  It's 
			not like we're on a panel.  It was 
			just a signing appearance.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			If you come pick me up, I'll be your 
			best friend.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			Where's your apartment?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm not there.  I'm at a friend's - in 
			the Village.  Corner of Houston and 
			Mercer.  Number eighty six, apartment 
<b>			6-D.
</b>
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'll be there in half an hour.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You're so easy.

	They hang up.  Holden reacts to something OC and exits 
	quickly.

	C11. Banky points to pictures in the book.  The kid looks 
	on.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			...And then Black Beauty couldn't take 
			it any longer, and he finally did some 
			of his own mounting.

<b>					KID
</b>				(off book)
			Wow.

	Holden grabs Banky's arm and drags him away.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What are you doing?

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(waving to kid)
			I think I want kids of my own one day.  
			They're fun.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Listen to me - I'm not going.  You're 
			going to have to do this one by 
			yourself.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What?  Why?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Alyssa's coming down for the weekend, 
			so I want to hang out with her.  You 
			don't need me for this.
				(taking his excess baggage)
			Meantime,  I'll take this stuff home.  
			You can keep the filth.  I'll pick you 
			up at nine Sunday night, alright?  
			Don't forget to plug the Annual and 
			don't mention the t.v. show, okay?  
			Call me if you get bored.

	And he's gone.  Banky stands there, open-mouthed.  A 
	check-in FLIGHT ATTENDANT comes up to him.  His name-tag 
	reads 'Frank'.

<b>					FLIGHT ATTENDANT
</b>			Checking in, sir!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(still watching Holden go)
			Hunhh!
				(looks at F.A.)
			Yeah.  But this is carry-on.

<b>					F.A.
</b>			Federal aviation security law requires 
			me to ask if you've been given any 
			strange gifts or parcels to carry-on 
			since arriving at the airport today.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(thinks)
			Not this trip.  But one time, when I 
			was using curb side check-in, this sky-
			cap gave me a cock ring and a set of 
			anal ben-wa balls.  I always thought 
			that was pretty strange.  He said his 
			name was Frank.
				(looks closely at him)
			Hey!  You're name's Frank!

	Banky storms away.  The Flight Attendant watches him go.

<b>					F.A.
</b>			Fucking kids.



<b>	EXT APARTMENT 6-D - DAY
</b>
	Holden knocks at the door.  It opens.  A WOMAN is 
	standing in the doorway in her bra She looks Holden up 
	and down and smirks.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			Let me guess - 'the right man'?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Excuse me?

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			You've got it in your head that 
			Alyssa's not really into chicks - that 
			she just hasn't met the right man.  
			And you believe you're it.  You're 
			going to treat her right, fuck her 
			like a stud, and 'straight-jacket' her 
			back from the land of the lost.  And 
			the sad truth is that you'll 
			accomplish none of that and wind up as 
			either an even more bitter misogynist 
			or a reverse fag-hag.

	Holden's at a loss.  Alyssa slips past the Woman, 
	carrying an overnight bag.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Don't mind her.  That's just her way a 
			saying hello.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			Actually, it's just my way of saying 
			"Give it up."

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(to Woman)
			You're such an asshole.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			When you file the date-rape charges, 
			don't say I didn't warn you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(holding out hand)
			I'm Holden, by the way.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			I'm the voice of reason that Miss 
			Bitch is having such a hard time 
			listening to.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Look, we're just friends.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			That's what every guy says before he 
			tries purring your hand on his dick.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			And how do you know men so well?

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			Because I lapdance for a living, dick-
			head.

	She slams the door. Holden looks to Alyssa.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Ohhh - you look so cute!

	She heads down the stairs.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Who was that?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Just an occasional friend.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Why would you want to hang our with 
			someone bitter as that?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(stops)
			Remember this!
				(sticks out huge tongue)
			Her's is even bigger than that.

	She smiles and continues on.  Holden looks back up at the 
	door.  He sticks his own tongue our and sizes it with his 
	fingers.



<b>	EXT TURNPIKE - DAY
</b>
	The car sits in traffic.



<b>	INT CAR - DAY
</b>
	Holden sighs.  Alyssa plays with the radio.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You were raised Catholic, right?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yeah.  You?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Baptist.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Really?  Did you have a strict 
			upbringing?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Please There was no time to be bad - 
			we were too busy saying 'Jesus'.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You think your upbringing had 
			something to do with your lifestyle 
			choice?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Somewhere along the line.  It's a 
			gradual transition to make - from 
			doing what the majority does to taking 
			a leap of faith and doing what feels 
			more natural.  Everything helps - from 
			the way you were handled as a kid, to 
			the way the boys acted in third grade, 
			to the shoes you wore at your freshman 
			prom.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Shoes?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Well they were really tight.



<b>	HANGING OUT MONTAGE BEGINS
</b>
	With the requisite music, over which we hear a 
	conversation between Holden and Alyssa.

	1) Holden and Alyssa sit in the DINER eating.  Holden's 
	talking.  The Waitress walks past and drops her pad.  She 
	bends over, to pick it up, hiking her mini-skirt up in 
	the process.  Alyssa stares at her ass.  Holden stops 
	talking and stares at her.  Alyssa looks over at him and 
	offers a caught smile.

	2) Holden pushes a shopping cart at the FOOD STORE, 
	throwing various things into the basket.  Alyssa comes up 
	with a box of Tampons and throws them in.  Holden glances 
	at them, a bit flushed.  Alyssa catches him, picks up the 
	box, and pulls one out.  She proceeds to demonstrate 
	their usage, throwing one leg on the can and miming 
	insertion.  Holden puts up his hands in the "I know, I 
	know," fashion.

	3) In the Studio, Holden displays some of his artwork to 
	Alyssa, during which she pulls out a cigarette and goes 
	to light it.  It's a child-proof lighter, so she's having 
	trouble.  Holden grows a little frustrated.  Finally, he 
	grabs the lighter and pulls the child proof tab out with 
	his teeth.  Alyssa stares at him a bit taken aback.  
	Holden spits the tab out, and lights Alyssa's smoke.  He 
	then continues with his display.

	4) Holden and Alyssa at the COMIC BOOK STORE.  Steve-Dave 
	and the Fan-Boy eye them suspiciously.  Alyssa pays for a 
	comic.  Steve-Dave glowers at Holden.  He gives Alyssa 
	her change and they exit.  Steve-Dave goes back to his 
	card game with the Fan-Boy.  Suddenly, a garbage can 
	comes crashing through their window.  Steve-Dave rips a 
	check off the garbage can and punches the counter.  The 
	Fan-Boy rubs his back soothingly,

	5) Holden and Alyssa walk through a PARKING LOT, talking.  
	She takes his hand and pulls his arm around her shoulder. 
	Holden smiles to himself.

<b>					HOLDEN V.O.
</b>			Let me ask you something - we get 
			along, right?

<b>					ALYSSA V.O.
</b>			Famously.

<b>					HOLDEN V.O.
</b>			We have a definite chemistry?

<b>					ALYSSA V.O.
</b>			So it would seem.

<b>					HOLDEN V.O.
</b>			But we're both into girls.

<b>					ALYSSA V.O.
</b>			I'm into women.

<b>					HOLDEN V.O.
</b>			But you weren't always gay.

<b>					ALYSSA V.O.
</b>			When I was nine I had a crush on Scott 
			Baio.

<b>					HOLDEN V.O.
</b>			So If we'd met a long time ago, say in 
			high school...

<b>					ALYSSA V.O.
</b>			...I'd still be muff-diving, yes.

<b>					HOLDEN V.O.
</b>			Thought so.



<b>	INT STUDIO - DAY
</b>
	Holden and Banky play EA Sports Hockey on Sega.  There's 
	a knock at the door.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Come in.

	Alyssa enters and stands besides them, smiling at their 
	game.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I read somewhere that guys who play 
			hockey are merely making up for penile 
			deficiencies by carrying big sticks.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I thought you lived in the city?  This 
			is like the umpteenth time I've seen 
			you here.  Isn't that grounds enough 
			for the little pink mafia to throw you 
			out of their club?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(hits Banky; to Alyssa)
			I'll be ready in a second.  
			I just have to school this mouthy 
			second-stringer.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Bitch, you're schooling no one.

	They play.  Cut back and forth between the game and 
	Banky, Holden, and Alyssa.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(off game)
			What?  Do something!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(off game)
			You fucking cock-teaser.  I'll knock 
			your fucking teeth out and pass all 
			over your ass.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Look at how slow you are.  Christ, you 
			move like a geriatric.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(screaming at screen)
			Fuck!  You Fucking cock-sucker, man!  
			These faggots won't do what I tell 
			them to!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Oh. It's the controller, right?  It's 
			always the controller.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			No, it's these... fucking queers on 
			blades that can't accept a fucking 
			pass to save their lives!  What period 
			is this?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Final sixty of the third.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Fuck!  Look at your fucking guys, 
			they... FUCK!!!
				(whips controller)
<b>			FUCKING COCK SUCKER, MAN!  I SWEAR TO 
</b><b>			GOD!
</b>
	Banky storms away.  Alyssa looks at Holden,

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Imagine if I'd only beaten him by one 
			instead of thirty.



<b>	INT SKEE-BALL ARCADE - DAY
</b>
	Holden feeds a couple dollars into the change machine.  
	Alyssa looks on.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Explain this again.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How could you have grown up down the 
			shore and never played skee-ball?  
			What did you do with your youth?

	They head toward the skee-ball runs.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Stayed out late, smoked pot, screwed 
			around.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Not your grade school years; your high 
			school years.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(off skee-ball run)
			This looks complicated.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(Inserts coin and pulls 
				lever)
			The premise is very basic - you roll 
			the ball up the ramp at varying 
			speeds, in an effort to pop it into 
			the score circles.  The higher the 
			score, the more prize tickets you get.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			What do you do with the prize tickets?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Trade them in for prizes that aren't 
			worth nearly as much as you paid to 
			play the game.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Then what's the point?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's fun.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And you question my lifestyle.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Observe.

	Holden rolls the ball.  It pops into a twenty point 
	circle.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			See?  It's just that simple.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Why not just walk up there and put it 
			in the fifty every time?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Where's the skill in that?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Oh, this is a skill?  I'm sorry, I had 
			no idea.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Just toss one.

	Alyssa picks up a ball, squints to aim, and whips it 
	overhand.  It pops off one of the circles and shoots back 
	at them, missing them as they duck.  An OC knock and an 
	"OW!" is heard.  Holden reacts as Alyssa laughs.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(to OC guy)
			I'm sorry, man.  She's new at this.

	Holden ducks as the ball comes sailing back at his head.  
	He gets up.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(to OC)
			Thank you.
				(hands Alyssa another ball)
			Underhand.  Throw it underhand.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			This is where you take straight chicks 
			on dates?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's like Spanish Fly.  This'll 
			probably be the first time I don't 
			score afterwards.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I don't know.  I'm starting to get a 
			tingle in my bottom.
				(tosses a ball)
			Ten.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(grabs a ball)
			So what'd you do last night?
				(prepares to throw)

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Got laid

	Holden whips the ball in surprise.  It ricochets off the 
	ceiling and through the glass of an old pinball machine.  
	Alyssa laughs.  Holden looks around, nervously.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Some more of that skill you were 
			telling me about?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Maybe we should just leave before 
			somebody gets hurt.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No way.  I want a cheap prize.
				(throws a ball)
			So your friend's quite the homophobe.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He just feels left out, I think.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm not talking about his infantile 
			hang-up with me.  I'm talking about 
			when you two were playing that game.  
			Everytime he swore - when his players 
			messed up, he called them cocksuckers, 
			he referred to the players as queers, 
			he called you a cock-teaser...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I thought he was talking to you.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I know you think it means nothing, and 
			it may in fact be unintentional, but 
			it's ugly all the same.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He was just pissed he was losing.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			So he slams the gay community?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			C'mon.  Don't get all p.c. on me.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm not.  But what is that saying?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It says he gets too easily frustrated.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			It's passive/agressive gay-bashing.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How do you figure?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			How casually did it roll off his 
			tongue?  And that's how he expresses 
			his anger?  By calling people faggots?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I think you're reading too much into 
			it.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I think you're just so used to it that 
			it rolls off your back.  I've heard 
			the two of you play your little rank 
			out game where one insists the other 
			is gay.
				(as the boys)
			"You're a faggot.  No, you're a 
			faggot."  It's cute and all to watch 
			you go at it like grade-schooler, but 
			it's also offensive - labeling and 
			ducking the label of being gay as if 
			it were the scarlet fucking letter.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You're blowing this way out of 
			proportion.  We live in a more 
			tolerant age now.  You refer to 
			yourself as a dyke.  Hooper calls 
			himself a faggot all the time...

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yeah, but that's what's known as 
			empowerment/disempowerment.  I call 
			myself a dyke so it's not too 
			devastating when some throwback 
			screams it at me as I'm leaving a bar 
			at night.  
			Same for Hooper - by calling himself a 
			faggot, he steals the thunder away 
			from the mouthy jerks of this world 
			who'd like to beat him to it.  But the 
			difference between us having it and 
			your friend saying it is miles wide.  
			We say it to mask the pain - you say 
			it for lack of a better expression at 
			any given moment.  No Holden, we do 
			not live in a more tolerant age.  And 
			if you think that's the case, then 
			you've been in the suburbs way too 
			long to be resuscitated.

	Holden kind of sulks.  Alyssa notices.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			But you know what?
				(picks up his face)
			I have more faith in you than that.
				(rips her tickets off)
			Come on - I want my cheap prize.



<b>	INT STUDIO - NIGHT
</b>
	Holden enters.  Banky's still playing Sega.  Holden sits 
	next to him.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(off screen)
			How bad do you suck!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			How was your pseudo-date?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Leave it alone.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			That chick bugs me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(rubs his head; in baby-talk)
			Aww.  Everyone bugs you.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Get off.
				(off game)
			Fucking faggot!  Did you see that?!  
			Your dyke courting ass just got me 
			scored on!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			You know, you should watch that.  If 
			you're going to get all bent out of 
			shape while playing the game, so much 
			so that you need to curse the t.v., 
			try not to gay-bash it, alright.  
			You're nor that kind of guy.
				(gets up)
			And don't call her a dyke, alright?  
			She's a lesbian.

	Holden goes to his drawing table and takes off his coat.  
	Banky sits there, shocked.  He puts the controller down 
	and crosses to the drawing table.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What the fuck is going on here?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(pulling out pencil)
			I'm starting a new page.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(smacking pencil away)
			Not with this shit!  With you.  What 
			the fuck is going on with you and that 
			girl?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			We're friends.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			She's programming you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I beg your pardon?  Programming?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Yeah.  And apparently, you don't even 
			realize it.  What does it matter if I 
			refer to her as a dyke, or if I call 
			the Whalers a bunch of faggots in the 
			privacy of my own office, far from the 
			sensitive ears of the rest of the 
			world?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's passive/aggressive gay-bashing; 
			and I know you're not really 
			prejudiced at heart.  You should just 
			find some other way to express your 
			anger, is all I'm saying.

	Holden starts drawing.  Banky stares at him.  Then he 
	grabs the pencil out of Holden's hand and shoves him to 
	the side.  He starts drawing something.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What the fuck are you doing!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Bear with me here.  I just want to put 
			you through this little exercise.
				(drawing feverishly)
			Okay, now see this?  This is a four 
			way road, okay?

	Banky draws a four-way stop.  He illustrates according to 
	his voice-over.

<b>					BANKY V.O.
</b>			And dead in the center, is a crisp, 
			new, hundred dollar bill.  Now at the 
			end of each of the streets, are four 
			people, okay?  You following?  Up 
			here, we got a male-affectionate, easy-
			to-get-along-with, no political agenda 
			lesbian.  Okay?  Now down here, we 
			have a man-hating, angry-as-fuck, 
			agenda-of-rage, bitter dyke.  To this 
			side, we got Santa Claus, right?  And 
			over to this side - the Easter Bunny.

	Banky finishes drawing.  Holden's shaking his head

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Which one's going to get to the 
			hundred dollar bill first?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What is this supposed to prove?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I'm serious.  This is a serious 
			exercise.  It's like an S.A.T. 
			question.  Which one's going to get to 
			the hundred dollar bill first - the 
			male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating 
			dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter 
			Bunny?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat; then pissed)
			The man-hating dyke.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Good.  Why?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't know.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(wildly crossing out the 
				other three)
<b>			BECAUSE THESE OTHER THREE ARE FIGMENTS 
</b><b>			OF YOUR FUCKING IMAGINATION!
</b>
	Holden storms away.  Banky follows.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't need this.  I'm going home.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			She's fucking with your mind, man!  
			She knows you've got this schoolboy 
			crush and she's using it to sway your 
			way of thinking!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			And why would she need to do that?  
			What is she Mata fucking Hari?!  What 
			does she gain?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Maybe she thinks you'll get her comic 
			picked up by Contender.  Or maybe she 
			thinks you'll change the content of 
			our book to something more political 
			and message oriented.  Or, gee - I 
			don't know - maybe because that's just 
			what dykes like to do: fuck around 
			with straight guys' heads, just so she 
			can go back to her little rug-muncher 
			club and have a good laugh with all 
			her man-hating harpy cronies about how 
			fucking stupid and easily duped men 
			are!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You're so out of line right now..,

<b>					BANKY
</b>			You don't even know this girl!  Big 
			deal, she's from Middletown and she 
			went to North!  All the girls at North 
			were bitches and sluts anyway!  And 
			this one's got them beat by a mile 
			because she's a bitch/slut/dyke!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Watch your fucking mouth, is all I'm 
			going to tell you..

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Oh why?  Do you get my back when she 
			bashes me?  Because I know she does.  
			And do you know why she does?  Because 
			I won't play her fucking game!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sometimes your paranoia and suspicious 
			bullshit is amusing.  Sometimes it's 
			just fucking annoying as piss!

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What is it about this girl?  You know 
			you have no shot at getting her into 
			bed!  Why do you bother wasting time 
			with her?  Because you're Holden 
			fucking McNeil - most persistent 
			traveller on the road that's not the 
			path of least resistance!  
			Everything's gotta be a fucking 
			challenge for you, and this little 
			relationship with that bitch is a 
			prime example of your fucking 
			condition.  Well I don't need a 
			fucking magic eight ball to look into 
			your future; you want a forecast?  
			Here - will Holden ever fuck Alyssa.
				(shakes and looks at 
				imaginary ball)
			What a shock - "Not fucking likely"!  
			This relationship of  your's is 
			affecting you, our work and our 
			friendship, and the time's going to 
			come when I throw down the gauntlet 
			and say it's me or her!  And then 
			what're you going to say?!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			I think you should let this one go.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			No, what would you say?  Would you 
			trash twenty years of friendship 
			because you've got some idiotic notion 
			that this chick would even let you 
			sniff her panties, let alone fuck 
			her?!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Let it go...

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What the fuck.. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES
<b>			THIS BITCH ALL THAT IMPORTANT?!?!
</b>	Holden looks at Banky for a long beat.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm in love with her, man.

	Banky stares at him.  Holden stares back.  Banky looks 
	into Holden's eyes.  Suddenly, he softens a bit.  He 
	drops his head.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Fuck.

	Banky walks away.  Holden watches him go and exits.



<b>	INT DINER - NIGHT
</b>
	Holden and Alyssa sit at a booth.  Alyssa picks through 
	her food.  Holden looks at the check and pulls money from 
	his wallet.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I wish you were the one being pursued 
			by M-TV.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Oh really?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sure.  Then you could sell our and 
			maybe pick up the check once in 
			awhile.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(drops her fork and wipes her 
				hands)
			We're leaving!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Well it's not like this is a bed and 
			breakfast,

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I've got a little business to conduct.

	She grabs her bag and slides out of the booth.  Holden 
	watches her, then follows.

	A23. Alyssa slides up to the cashier's desk as does 
	Holden, who offers a puzzled shrug.  Alyssa offers the 
	'just wait' finger.  The CASHIER turns to her.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Are you an authorized deal-maker in 
			this establishment?  Do you have the 
			power to negotiate.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>			You wanna haggle over the price of 
			your French Dip?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I want to haggle over the price of 
			fine art.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>			What do you mean?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(pointing OC)
			There.  By the kitchen.  That 
			painting.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>			What about it?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			The price tag says seventy five.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>			So!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(to Alyssa)
			Tell me you're kidding!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'll give you fifty.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>				(to OC)
			Manuel!  Bring, me the Dyksiezski off 
			the wall.
				(to Alyssa)
			All my years in the diner business, 
			I've waited for this day - the day 
			when someone wanted to buy one of the 
			pictures.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(holds out hand)
			Alyssa Jones.  Pleased to meet you.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>			You say you want to haggle, but you 
			don't know rule one about haggling, 
			which you just broke: you never give 
			your name.  The name is power, and to 
			give the opponent that piece of you is 
			to give away victory.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm only trying to conduct a 
			transaction.  We're not opponents.

<b>					CASHIER
</b>				(accepting painting from 
<b>				BUSBOY)
</b>			Oh, but we are - if you think I'm 
			letting this beautiful piece go for 
			fifty.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Ah-ha!
				(to Holden)
			Now we're haggling.



<b>24.    INT CAR - NIGHT									24.
</b>
	It's drizzling outside.  Holden drives.  Alyssa hugs her 
	painting and pushes her bare feet against the windshield, 
	making footprints.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I've always wondered what kind of 
			people buy those things.  I can't 
			believe you talked him down to twenty 
			five!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			It was looking shakey when he told me 
			the artist was a blind cripple with a 
			hump-back, but I held my ground.  
			There's no room for sympathy in the 
			buyer's market.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Where are you going to hang it?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm not.  You are.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You want me to hang it for you?  You 
			better hope it doesn't get out to the 
			girl-nation that you needed a man to 
			help you hang a picture.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You're going to hang it in your house.  
			I bought it for you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(laughs)
			Yeah, right.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(looks at him)
			I'm serious.

	Holden stares at her.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Why?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Because it's captured the moment.  
			It'll be a constant reminder - not 
			just of tonight, but of our 
			introduction, the building of our 
			friendship, everything.  Make no 
			mistake about it my Friend - it's a 
			gift to you, from me, so you'll always 
			remember us.

	Holden stares ahead.  Then he swerves the wheel to the 
	right.



<b>	EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT
</b>
	The car pulls to the side of the road.  The rain is a bit 
	heavier now.



<b>	INT CAR - NIGHT
</b>
	Holden throws the car into park

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Why are we stopping?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Because I can't take it.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Can't take what?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I love you.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(beat)
			You love me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I love you.  And not in a friendly 
			way, although I think we're great 
			friends.  And not in a misplaced 
			affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm 
			sure that's what you'll call it.  And 
			it's not because you're unattainable.  
			I love you.  Very simple, very truly.  
			You're the epitome of every attribute 
			and quality I've ever looked for in 
			another person.  I know you think of 
			me as just a friend and crossing that 
			line is the furthest thing from an 
			option you'd ever consider.  But I 
			can't do this any longer.  I can't 
			stand next to you without wanting to 
			hold you.  I can't look into your eyes 
			without feeling that longing you only 
			read about in trashy romance novels.  
			I can't talk to you without wanting to 
			express my love for everything you 
			are.  I know this will probably queer 
			our friendship - no pun intended - but 
			I had to say it, because I've never 
			felt this before, and I like who I am 
			because of it.  And if bringing it to 
			light means we can't hang out anymore, 
			then that hurts me.  But I couldn't 
			allow another 	day to go by without 
			getting it out there, regardless of 
			the outcome, which by the look on your 
			face is to be the inevitable shoot-
			down.  And I'll accept that But I know 
			some part of you is hesitating for a 
			moment, and if there is a moment of 
			hesitation, that means you feel 
			something too.  All I ask is that you 
			not suppress that - at least for ten 
			minutes - and try to dwell in it 
			before you dismiss it.  
			There isn't another soul on this 
			fucking planet who's ever made me the 
			person I am when I'm with you, and I 
			would risk this friendship for the 
			chance to take it to the next plateau.  
			Because it's there between you and me.  
			You can't deny that.  And even if we 
			never speak again after tonight, 
			please know that I'm forever changed 
			because of you and what you've meant 
			to me, which - while I do appreciate 
			it - I'd never need a painting of 
			birds bought at a diner to remind me 
			of.

	Holden stares at Alyssa.  She stares back.  Then she gets 
	out of the car.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Was it something I said?



<b>	EXT ROADSIDE - NIGHT
</b>
	Holden gets out of the car.  It's raining pretty hard 
	now.  Alyssa's hitching up the road.  Holden reaches her.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What are you doing?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Get back in the car and get out of 
			here.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You're going to hitch to New York?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Y'ep.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Aren't you at least going to comment?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Here's my comment fuck you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Why?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That was so unfair.  You know how 
			unfair that was.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's unfair that I'm in love with you?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No, it's unfortunate that you're in 
			love with me.  It's  unfair that you 
			felt the fucking need to unburden your 
			soul about it.  Do you remember for a 
			fucking second who I am?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			So?  People change.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Oh, it's that simple?  You fall in 
			love with me and want a romantic 
			relationship, nothing changes for you 
			with the exception of feeling hunky-
			dorey all the time.  But what about-
			me?  It's not that simple, is it?  I 
			can't just get into a relationship 
			with you without throwing my whole 
			fucking world into upheaval!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But that's every relationship!  
			There's always going to be a period of 
			adjustment.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Period of adjustment?!?
				(hitting him)
<b>			THERE'S NO 'PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT' 
</b><b>			HOLDEN!  I'M FUCKING GAY!  THAT'S WHO 
</b><b>			I AM!  AND YOU ASSUME I CAN TURN THAT 
</b><b>			AROUND JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A 
</b><b>			CRUSH?!?
</b>
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			If this is a crush... then I don't 
			know if I could take the real thing if 
			it ever happens.

	She looks at him, rain drenching the pair.  She shakes 
	her head ruefully.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Go home, Holden.

	She walks away.  Holden stands there, at a loss.  Then he 
	turns and heads back to his car.  
	As he reaches the door and turns to look back at her, 
	Alyssa pounces on him, grabs his face and locks lips with 
	him, big time.  He drops his keys and embraces her.

	And there they stand, by the side of the road, drenched 
	kissing.



<b>	EXT STUDIO - DAY
</b>
	Banky carries a bag in one arm and pulls out his keys 
	with the other.  He jams them into the lock, opening the 
	door.  He picks up the mail on the floor.



<b>	INT STUDIO - DAY
</b>
	He closes the door behind him and shuffles to the 
	kitchenette, passing by the blanket-covered, slumbering 
	forms of Holden and Alyssa, who are out cold in each 
	other's arms.  The place looks a mess - Like a couple of 
	people were engaged in some tremendous fucking.  Banky is 
	oblivious.  He sets the bag down on the counter and pulls 
	out a chocolate milk.  He opens it, sticks a straw into 
	the top, and begins sipping and sifting through the mail.  
	He comes to mail that's Holden's and tosses it onto the 
	couch, near Holden's head.  He looks down at the sleeping 
	couple, then back at the mail for a couple of beats.  
	Then he freezes.  He looks down again, and drops his jaw 
	and his carton of choco.  It hits the floor with a pop.  
	Holden and Alyssa shoot straight up, eyes struggling to 
	focus.  They look at one another, then at the 
	flabbergasted Banky.  Banky blinks.  Then he shuffles 
	toward the door again and lets himself out.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(off Holden's reaction)
			I take it that's not good.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(getting up)
			Stay here.
				(he kisses her and exits)



<b>	EXT STREET - DAY
</b>
	Banky sits on a curb, staring into the distance, Holden 
	saunters up and sits beside him.  He follows Banky's 
	gaze.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Catholic school girls.

	Across the street, the Catholic High School is letting 
	out.  Teenage girls clad in uniforms and tight sweaters 
	smoke, frolic, wait for their bus.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			The uniform is what does it for me.  I 
			wish I'd have went with more Catholic 
			school girls when I was a kid.  As it 
			stands.  I have no "...and then she 
			unzipped her jumper..." stories.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You looked weirded out back there.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			That's my couch you were fucking on.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sorry.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I wanted to watch some TV.  Hard to do 
			when your best friend's wrapped around 
			a naked rug-muncher on your couch.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			She had boxers on.

	Banky shoots him a glare.  He goes back to staring at the 
	OC girls.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			This is all going to end badly.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You don't know that.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I know you.  You're way too 
			conservative for that girl.  She's 
			been around and seen things we've only 
			read about in books.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But we have read about them.  So we're 
			prepared.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			There's no 'we' here.  You're going to 
			have to go through this alone.  And 
			it's one thing to read about shit, and 
			something different when you're forced 
			to deal with it on a regular basis.  
			When you guys are walking in the mall 
			and both your heads turn at a really 
			nice looking chick, it's going to eat 
			you up inside.  You'll spend most of 
			your time wondering when the other 
			shoe's going to drop.  Because for 
			you, this isn't about cool weird sex 
			stuff, it's about love.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Maybe it is for her as well.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Somehow I doubt it.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Everyone's not out to get someone in 
			life.  Bank.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Everybody has an agenda.  Everyone.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yourself?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			My agenda is to watch your back.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			To what end?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			To insure that all this time we've 
			spent together, building something, 
			wasn't wasted.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			She's not going to ruin the comic.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I wasn't talking about the comic.
				(gets up)
			I'm going to gel a bagel.  Clean off 
			my fucking couch so I can watch TV.

	Banky walks away.  Holden shakes his head.



<b>	INT ALYSSA'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
</b>
	An all-girl gathering. TORY. NICA, DALIA and JANE help 
	Alyssa finish an issue of 'Idiosyncratic Routine'.  Tory 
	letters a page.  Nica and Dalia lay-out the artwork.  
	Dalia drinks wine.  Alyssa paints the cover.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			From what I understand, when you sign 
			with a publisher, someone else does 
			all this work for you, and you just 
			sit back and collect.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And miss these last minute cram 
			sessions with my nearest and dearest?  
			Never.

<b>					TORY
</b>			I don't know what she's bitching 
			about.  All she's done since we got 
			here is pound Merlot.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			I'm sorry weren't you the one who 
			misspelled 'receipt' on page eighteen?  
			Yeah, you're a real help.

<b>					NICA
</b>			What I'd like to know is why we're 
			here at all when we haven't seen 
			Princess funny-Book in a month.

<b>					JANE
</b>			Yeah Alyssa - who've you been shacking 
			up with?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			'Shacking up!' Please.
				(stops painting; smiles wide)
			I'm so in love!

	Everyone aww's.  Alyssa buries her face, giggling.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I know.  I know -I feel like such a 
			goon.  But I can't help it - we have 
			such a great time together.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			Who is it?  Don't even tell me it's 
			Ms. Thing from the C.D. place.  I'll 
			kill you.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			It's not her.  It's someone you guys 
			don't know.

<b>					NICA
</b>			That chick you left the restaurant 
			with that night?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			They're not.  From around here.

<b>					TORY
</b>			Don't even tell me you met her down 
			the shore!

<b>					JANE
</b>			Eww!  Not a bridge-and-tunnel Jersey 
			dyke!

<b>					TORY
</b>			With huge hair and acid-washed jeans!

	They all cackle.  Alyssa tries to laugh with them.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			Come on, Alyss - Hoboken Hussy or 
			what?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			For your information, they don't have 
			big hair or wear acid wash.
				(goes back to painting)
			They're from my home town.

	Dalia stares at Alyssa, suspiciously.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			Why are you playing the pronoun game?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			What?  What are you talking about?  
			I'm not even.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			You are. "I met someone."  "We have a 
			great time.  "They're from my home 
			town."  Doesn't this tube of
			wonderful have a name!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(beat)
			Holden.

	All four Girls stare at Alyssa, a bit horrified.  She 
	stops painting.

<b>					JANE
</b>			Oh, Alyssa - no.  Not you.

<b>					TORY
</b>			You're dating a guy?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			He's not like a typical man.  He's 
			really sweet to me, and we relate so 
			well.  You guys'd love him, really.

	They stare at Alyssa.  Then Dalia gets up.

<b>					DALIA
</b>			I've gotta go to the store.

<b>					JANE
</b>			I'll go with.

	They exit.  Alyssa looks to Tory and Nica.

<b>					TORY
</b>				(pouring wine)
			Whelp - here's to both of you.
				(moves the glass to her lips)
			Another one bites the dust.



<b>	INT HOLDEN'S BEDROOM -NIGHT
</b>
	Holden and Alyssa lie in each other's arms, moonlight 
	bathing them.  She smokes.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Can I ask you something?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Don't even tell me you want to do it 
			again.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Why me - you know?  Why now?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Because you were giving me that look, 
			and I got wet...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You know what I'm talking about.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Why not You?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm a guy.  You're attracted to girls.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I see you've been taking notes. 
			Historically, yes  that's true.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Then why this?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I've given that a lot of thought, you 
			know?  I mean, now that I'm being 
			ostracized by my friends, I've had a 
			lot of time to think about all of 
			this.  And what I've come up with is 
			really simple: I came to this on my 
			terms.  I didn't just heed what I was 
			taught, you  know?  Men and women 
			should be together, it's the natural 
			way - that kind of thing.  I'm not 
			with you because of what family, 
			society, life tried to instill in me 
			from day one.  The way the world is - 
			how seldom you meet that one person 
			who gets you... it's so rare.   My 
			parents didn't really have it.  There 
			was no example set for me in the world 
			of male/female relation ships.  And to 
			cut oneself off from finding that 
			person - to immediately half your 
			options by eliminating the possibility 
			of finding that one person within your 
			own gender... that just seemed stupid.  
			So I didn't.  And by leaving my 
			options open, I was branded 'gay', 
			which to me was no big deal - labels 
			are labels, you know?  They define 
			what you do, not who you are, I guess. 
			But 		then you come along.  You - 
			the one least likely; I mean, you were 
			a guy.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Still am.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And while I was falling for you, I put 
			a ceiling on that, because you were a 
			guy.  
			Until I remembered why I opened the 
			door to women in the first place - to 
			not limit the likelihood of finding 
			that one person who'd compliment me so 
			completely.  And so here we are, I was 
			thorough when I looked for you, and I 
			feel justified lying in your arms - 
			because I got here on my terms, and 
			have no question that there was 
			someplace I didn't look.  And that 
			makes all the difference.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			Shit.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			What?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Well, you took the luster our of it.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			What luster?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(joking - in case you didn't 
				get it)
			Of how I brought you back from the 
			other side.  How all you needed was 
			the right man to turn you around.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You're not the right man.
				(kisses him)
			You're just the one.

	She snuggles into him and closes her eyes.  Holden stares 
	at the ceiling.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Can I at least cell people that all 
			you needed was some serious deep-
			dicking?

	She hits him with her pillow.



<b>	THE BIG OL' FALLING-IN-LOVE MONTAGE BEGINS
</b>
	1) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves in various 
	directions, shaking her head accordingly.  Then she puts 
	up her hands to stop.  Cut to Holden, hanging the 
	picture.  Alyssa gave him.  
	It hangs at a severely crooked angle.  He looks back to 
	her and shakes his head 'no'.

	2) Holden and Alyssa try to play a video game.  Banky 
	plays as well.  Holden instructs her in the ways of NHL 
	'96 (turning her paddle right-side-up, pointing at things 
	on the screen).  She presses the reset button, over and 
	over.  Banky gives Holden a 'What the fuck?' look.  
	Alyssa sticks her tongue at him.

	3) At the Video Store - Holden picks up a Disney cartoon 
	off the shelf.  He goes to show if to Alyssa, who's 
	reading the back of 'Anything But Dick', an allchick 
	porno.  An old WOMAN stares at her.  Holden nods to the 
	old Woman and takes the tape out of Alyssa's hands, 
	putting it back on the shelf.  He ushers her away.  The 
	old Woman waits until they're gone and then picks up the 
	tape herself,

	4) Holden carries Alyssa on his shoulders through the 
	park, her crotch against the back of his neck.  He's 
	talking. She taps him and he stops and looks up.  She 
	begins to maneuver around so her crotch is in his face.  
	He pulls her off and put her down.  She's laughing.  He's 
	flushed with embarrassment.  The same Old Woman from the 
	Video store passes by with her husband.  Holden shrugs.

	5) In Holden's Apartment again - Alyssa again with the 
	waving, then putting up her hands to stop.  Cut to Holden 
	again, this time with the painting hung completely upside 
	down.  He looks at it, then offers her a bewildered gaze.

	6) In the Office Banky comes to his drawing table.  There 
	are penciled pages on it with a note that says "Hanging 
	out with Alyssa today.  Holden".  Banky crumples it up 
	and throws it across the room.

	7) In Holden's Apartment - Alyssa waves this way, then 
	that way, then puts up her hands frantically to stop.  
	She settles back against the wall, a satisfied smile 
	crawling across her face, and closes her eyes.  We pull 
	back to reveal Holden on his knees in front of her, 
	eating her out (no, we don't see anything!).



<b>	INT OFFICE - DAY
</b>
	Holden draws.  A book is thrown in front of him.  He 
	looks up.  Banky stands there.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Check out page forty eight.

	Holden looks down at that book.  It's the Nineteen Eighty 
	Eight yearbook from Middletown North.  He shakes his head 
	at Banky and flips it open.

	On the page is Alyssa's Senior year photo.  Under her 
	name is another name in quotes that says 'Finger Cuffs'.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(looking up)
			So?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Did you see the nickname?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			'Finger Cuffs'.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			And...?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			And... she had a weird nick-name.  
			What's your point?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Do you know why it's 'Finger Cuffs'?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I suppose you do.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I do.
				(takes a seat)
			You remember Cohee Lundin?  Left 
			Hudson and went to North our senior 
			year?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yeah.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Well, I ran into him at Food City the 
			other day, and we got to talking, and 
			I mentioned that you were dating 
			Alyssa, and he said..

	CUT TO COHEE LUNDON.  In the PARKING LOT of FOOD CITY, 
	addressing the camera.

<b>					COHEE
</b>			Alyssa Jones?  Shit.  I know Alyssa 
			Jones.  I mean, I know Alyssa Jones, 
			you know what I'm saying?  
			Me and Rick Derris used to hang our 
			with her for awhile, right?  Just 
			hanging around her house after school,  
			'cuz her parents were like never home, 
			and shit.  And one day, Rick just 
			whips it out, and starts rubbing it on 
			her leg and shit; chasing her around 
			the living room - I was dying.  But 
			you know what the crazy bitch did?  
			She fucking drops to her knees, and 
			just starts sucking him off right in 
			front of me!  Like I wasn't even there 
			man!  I almost died!  But that's not 
			the fucked up part - the fucked up 
			part was Rick, man - right in the 
			middle of it, he turns to me and he's 
			pointing at her and he says "Cohee."  
			Just like that - "Cohee."  So I'm like 
			I'll give it a shot.  And I start 
			pulling her pants down all slow, 'cuz 
			I figure any second she's gonna turn 
			around and belt me in the mouth, 
			right?  But yo, check this shit out - 
			she's all into it man!  She don't try 
			to stop me or nothing!  She's 		
			all wet and shit, and I just went to 
			work, know what I'm saying?  Me and 
			Rick are going to town on this crazy 
			bitch, and she's just loving it, all 
			moaning and shit!  It was fucked up!  
			So Rick's the one that came up with 
			the nickname - 'cuz that day, she had 
			us locked in tight from both sides - 
			like a pair of goddamn Chinese finger 
			cuffs!

	BACK IN THE OFFICE - Holden stares at Banky.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He's full of shit.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Cohee's a lot of things, but an 
			exxagerator he's not.  The dude's 
			Catholic.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			She's never even been with a guy.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			That's what she says.  But I say her 
			on her hands and knees getting filled 
			out like an application constitutes 
			'being with a guy'.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He's pulling your chain.  And the fact 
			that you even bought it for a second 
			makes you look like an idiot.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I'm getting your back, asshole!  
			People don't forget shit like 'Finger 
			Cuffs'.  And if it got out that she's 
			queer as well, how do you think it's 
			going to make you look?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I give a shit what people think.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Alright, forget about that; what if 
			she's carrying a disease?  That was 
			just one story - what if there's more?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(grabs his coat)
			You're such a fucking asshole.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			What?  Oh, it's not possible that 
			she's all crudded up?  Cohee I can 
			vouch for as clean - the dude never 
			got laid in high school.  But Derris 
			is an arch fucking bush-man!  Name me 
			one chick in our senior class that 
			Rick Derris didn't nail, for Christ's 
			sake!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Would you let this go?  I'm telling 
			you - she's never even been with a 
			guy, let alone those two zeroes.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			And I'm telling you, the bitch could 
			be a bigger fucking germ farm than 
			that monkey in 'Outbreak'!

	Holden grabs Banky and pins him against the wall.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Give it a rest!  Do you hear me?!  I'm 
			tired of this shit!  She's my goddamn 
			girlfriend, do you understand?!  Show 
			her a little fucking respect!  
			And if you ever even so much as 
			mention that Alyssa looks a little 
			peaked from now on, I'll put your 
			fucking teeth down your throat!

	He releases Banky.  Banky brushes himself off.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Maybe I'll put your fucking teeth down 
			your throat.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(walking out)
			Not bloody Likely.

	Banky runs to the open door.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(calling after him)
			I've been working out you know!
				(no response)
			You better be ready to make that M-TV 
			deal!

	The downstairs door slams.  Banky makes a muscle, then 
	feels it.



<b>	INT TOWER RECORDS - DAY
</b>
	Holden and Hooper peruse laser discs.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Where's that bitch partner of your's 
			been?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sulking.  He's having a real problem 
			with this Alyssa thing.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			I think it's more like Banky's having 
			a problem with all things not hetero 
			right about now.  And I'm just another 
			paradigm of said aberration.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Banky does not hate gays, you know 
			that.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			But I do think he is a bit homophobic.  
			And this latest episode between you 
			and Ms. Thing has tapped into that.  
			In his warped perception, he lost you 
			to the dark side - which is she.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You make it sound like me and him were 
			dating.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Don't kid yourself - that boy loves 
			you in a way that he's not ready to 
			deal with.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			He's been digging up dirt on Alyssa.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			And just what has Mister Angela 
			Lansbury uncovered about your lady 
			fair?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He heard some bullshit story that she 
			took on two guys.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Really?  Well then he's barking up the 
			wrong we if he wants to split you up, 
			isn't he?  He's not going to make you 
			see the error of your ways by pointing 
			out how truly gay she's not
				(holds up a disc)
			This one?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Have it.
				(beat)
			Actually, it's kind of gotten to me.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			How so?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Banky's not known for believing 
			misinformation.  He's got a pretty 
			good bullshit detector.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			So, what if it is true?  Would that 
			bother you?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Sex with multiple partners?

	Hooper lets our a faux-shock shriek.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			At the same time.

	Again, even louder, hands slapped against his cheeks.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Thanks for being so comforting.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			So what do you care?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Well that's the thing, isn't it?  I 
			shouldn't.. but it gets to me.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Kind of gal Alyssa is, you don't think 
			she's been in the middle of an all -
			girl group-grope?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You see - that doesn't bother me.  But 
			the thought of her and guys... Uh!

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Oh Holden, I beg you - please don't 
			drop fifty stories in my opinion of 
			you by falling prey to that latest of 
			trendy beasts.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Which is?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Lesbian chic.  It's oh-so acceptable 
			to be a gay girl nowadays.  People 
			think it's cute, because they've got 
			this fool picture in their heads about 
			lipstick lesbians - like they all 
			resemble Alyssa - while most of them 
			look more like you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Do I detect a little inter-subculture 
			cattiness?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Gay or straight - ugly's still ugly.  
			And most of those boys are scary.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I thought fags were all supposed to be 
			super-supportive of one another.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Screw that 'all for one' shit.  I 
			gotta deal with being the minority in 
			the minority of the minority, and 
			nobody's supporting my ass?  While the 
			whole of society is fawning over girls-
			on-girls, here I sit - a reviled gay 
			man, and to top that off,  I'm a gay 
			black man - notoriously the most 
			swishy of the bunch.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Three strikes.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Hey, hey!  There's a line.

	A young BLACK KID approaches Hooper, holding a comic 
	book.

<b>					KID
</b>			Are you Hooper X?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(in militant mode)
			A-salaam Alaikum, little brother.

<b>					KID
</b>			Could you sign my comic?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>				(signing comic; nods to 
				Holden)
			See that guy there?  He's the devil, 
			you understand?  Never take your eye 
			off the Man.  Our people took their 
			eyes off him one time, and he had us 
			in chains in two shakes of his snake's 
			tail.

	The Kid offers Holden an angry look.  Hooper gives him 
	back his comic.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Fight the power, little 'G'.

<b>					KID
</b>			Word is bond

	The Kid leaves, Hooper slips back into his real voice.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Look at what I have to resort to for 
			professional respect.  What is it 
			about gay men that terrifies the rest 
			of the world.
				(shakes his head)
			As for this hang-up with Alyssa's 
			past, maybe what's really bothering 
			you is that your fragile fantasy might 
			not be true.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What do you mean?

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Holden - don't even try to come off 
			like you don't know what I'm saying.  
			Men need to believe that they're Marco 
			fucking Polo when it comes to sex - 
			like they're the only ones who've ever 
			explored new territory.  And it's hard 
			not to let them believe it.  I let my 
			boys run with it for awhile - feed 
			them some of that "I've never done 
			this before..." bullshit, and let 'em 
			labor under the delusion that they 
			rockin' my world, until I can't stand 
			them anymore.  Then I hit 'em with the 
			truth.  It's a sick game.  The world 
			would be a better place if people 
			would just accept that there's nothing 
			new under the sun, and everything you 
			can do with a person has probably been 
			done long before you got there.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I can accept that.

<b>					HOOPER
</b>			Honey, that almost sounded convincing.  
			Do yourself a favor - just ask her 
			about her past, point blank.  Get it 
			out of the way, before it gets too big 
			for both ya'll to move.
				(spotting something OC)
			Oooh!  'Myra Breckinridge'!

	Hooper trots off, Holden glances at the disc in his 
	hands.  Pictured on it are two gorgeous chicks, barely 
	clad, making out.  The title is 'Men Suck.. and so do 
	Girls - All XXX Action.'



<b>	INT HOCKEY RINK - NIGHT
</b>
	On the ice, two teams clash, chasing the puck up and 
	back, checking galore.

	In the bleachers, amidst a slew of fans, Alyssa watches 
	the game with a large degree of enjoyment.  Sitting 
	beside her, Holden doesn't seem to share her enthusiasm.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Since most of these people are rooting 
			for the home team, I'm going to cheer 
			for the visitors.  I'm a big visitors 
			fan - especially the kind that make 
			coffee for you in the morning before 
			they go.
				(smiles at Holden; no 
				response)
			That was a joke.  A little wacky 
			wordplay?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What do you mean, 'visitors'?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Was I being too obscure?  The kind 
			that - until recently - had no dicks 
			and would spend the night.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			So that was until recently!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Oh, yeah.
				(shouting; to ice)
			Hey - foul!  Foul!  He was traveling 
			or something!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			So nobody bur me has stayed the night 
			at your place since we got together?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(beat)
			Something on your mind, Holden?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			No, I was just wondering,

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			If I've been 'faithful' or something?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Look, I was just asking.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(toucher his face)
			Oh, sweetie.  I only have eyes for 
			you.
				(to ice)
<b>			CALL THAT FUCKING SHIT, REF!!  THE GUY 
</b><b>			ON THE SKATES TOTALLY SHOVED ONE OF MY 
</b><b>			GUYS!!
</b>				(to Holden)
			I told you I was great at sporting 
			events.  Imagine what a bitch I could 
			be if I knew what was going on?

	ON THE ICE - Things heat up between two opposing PLAYERS.  
	One snatches the puck away from the other and skates off.  
	The other Player gives chase.

	Alyssa's very into the game.  Holden shakes his head

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			That'd make Banky half right.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			About what?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			He said all the girls from North were 
			bitches and sluts.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Really.  I'm sorry - you two left high 
			school behind how many years ago?
				(grabs his face and kisses 
				his cheek)
			Can I put some of my books in your 
			locker?
				(goes back to watching game)

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(under his breath)
			How about your yearbook.

	ON THE ICE - The Player giving chase slashes the Player 
	with the puck.

	Alyssa jumps to her feet.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(to ice)
<b>			IF YOU DON'T START USING THAT WHISTLE 
</b><b>			I'M GONNA JAM IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR 
</b><b>			ASS!!
</b>				(to guy next to her)
			Right?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What's with 'Finger Cuffs'?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(sitting back down)
			'Finger Cuffs'?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Yeah.  In your senior yearbook your 
			nickname was 'Finger Cuffs'.  What is 
			that?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			It was?  Shit, damned if I can 
			remember.  I'd look it up, but I threw 
			all that shit our years ago?
				(beat)
			Where'd you see a North yearbook?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Do you know Rick Derris?

	ON THE ICE - The Players skid into the corner where 
	Player One checks Player Two into the boards, hard.  
	Player Two scrambles to his feet and throws down his 
	gloves.

	The crowd around Alyssa and Holden go wild.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Rick?  Sure.  We used to hang out in 
			high school.
				(to ice)
<b>			PUNCH HIM IN THE FUCKING NECK, NUMBER 
</b><b>			TWELVE!!
</b>
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Did you go out with him or something?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(eyes on the ice)
			Date Rick Derris?  No.  We just hung 
			out a lot.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Just... you and him?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No.  Me, Rick, and... um... what was 
			that guy's name...?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Cohee?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yeah!  Cohee Lundin.  God, I haven't 
			thought about that name in years.

	ON THE ICE - The Players square off.  Player Two pulls 
	Player One's helmet off and punches him in the face.

	Holden looks as if he'd Like to do the same to his 
	companion.  Alyssa's into the game.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I remember those guys'd come over 
			almost everyday after school.  They'd 
			bug my sisters, look for porno tapes 
			in my dad's closet, raid our fridge.  
			They really took advantage of my 
			parents never being home.

	ON THE ICE - Player Two yanks at Player One's jersey and 
	gut punches him.  Alyssa seems oblivious to Holden's 
	anger, so enthralled with the action is she.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(starts laughing)
			This one day... Rick pulled out his 
			dick and chased me around the house 
			with it!  Right in front of Cohee!  I 
			couldn't believe it!  Guys are weird - 
			I thought the whole size hang-up made 
			you all terrified to show your dicks 
			to each other?

	ON THE ICE - Player One staggers a bit, then quickly 
	rights his jersey and lunges at Player Two, landing a 
	barrage of his own punches.  Blood sprays across the ice.

	Holden's face is reeeeeaaaally sour looking.  Alyssa's 
	still in the game.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Rick pulled his dick out?  Really?  
			What'd you do?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(looks him dead in the eye)
			I blew him while Cohee fucked me.

	ON THE ICE - Player One delivers the kill shot, slamming 
	his fist into Player Two's nose.  The blood shoots out 
	like a geyser, and Two goes down hard.

	Holden stares at Alyssa, flabbergasted.  The crowd around 
	them stares not at the fight on the ice, but the fight in 
	their midst, shocked.  Alyssa fumes.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Excuse me!?!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That's what you wanted to hear, isn't 
			it?  Isn't that what this little cross-
			examination of your's is about?  Well 
			try not to be so obvious about it next 
			time, there are subtler ways of 
			badgering a witness.
				(to Bystander)
			Am I right?

<b>					BYSTANDER
</b>				(to Holden)
			Jeez, even I knew what you were 
			getting at.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(gathering her stuff)
			If you wanted some background 
			information on me, all you had to do 
			was ask - I'd have gladly volunteered 
			it.  You didn't have to play Hercules 
			fucking Poirot!

	She storms away.  Holden chases after her.  The Bystander 
	watches them go.

<b>					BYSTANDER
</b>				(to companion)
			I told you these were good seats.



<b>	INT RINK LOBBY / EXT PARKING LOT - NIGHT
</b>
	Alyssa marches quickly, pulling on her coat.  Holden 
	catches up to her.  We track with them our into the 
	parking lot.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			So it's true?!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yes Holden!  In fact, everything you 
			heard or dug up on me was probably 
			true!  Yeah, I took on two guys at 
			once!  You want to hear some gems you 
			might not have unearthed - I took a 
			twenty six year old guy to my senior 
			prom, and then left halfway through to  
			have sex with him and Gwen Turner in 
			the back of a limo!  And the girl who 
			got caught in the shower with Miss 
			Moffit, the gym teacher?  That was me!  
			Or how about in college, when I let 
			Shannon Hamilton videotape us having 
			sex - only to find out the next day 
			that he broadcast it on the campus 
			cable station?!  They're all true - 
			those and so many more!  Didn't you 
			know?  I'm the queen of urban legend!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How the hell could you do those 
			things?!

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Easily!  Some of it I did out of 
			stupidity, some of it I did out of 
			what I thought was love, but - good or 
			bad - they were my choices, and I'm 
			not making apologies for them now - 
			not to you or anyone!  And how dare 
			you try to lay a guilt trip on me 
			about it - in public, no less!  Who 
			the fuck do you think you are, you 
			judgemental prick?!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How am I supposed to feel about all of 
			this?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			How are you supposed to feel about it?  
			Feel what ever the fuck you want about 
			it!  The only thing that really 
			matters is how you feel about me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't know how I feel about you now.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Why?  Because I had some sex?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Some sex?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yes, Holden - that's all it was: some 
			sex!  Most of it stupid high school 
			sex, for Christ's sake!  Like you 
			never had sex in high school!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			There's a world of fucking difference 
			between typical high school sex and 
			two guys at once!  They fucking used 
			you?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I used them!  You don't think I 
			would've let it happen if I hadn't 
			wanted it to, do you?!  I was an 
			experimental girl, for Christ's sake! 
			Maybe you knew early on that your 
			track was from point 'a' to 'b' - but 
			unlike you I wasn't given a fucking 
			map at birth, so I tried it all!  That 
			is until we - that's you and I - got 
			together, and suddenly, I was sated.  
			Can't you take some fucking comfort in 
			that?  You turned out to be all I was 
			ever looking for - the missing piece 
			in the big fucking puzzle!
				(tries to calm down)
			Look I'm sorry I let you believe that 
			you were the only guy I'd ever been 
			with.  I should've been more honest.  
			But it seemed to make you feel special 
			in a way that me telling you over and 
			over again how incredible you are 
			would never get across.

	She touches his face.  He pulls back.  She stares at him, 
	hurt and pissed.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Do you mean to tell me that - while 
			you have zero problem with me sleeping 
			with half the women in New York City - 
			you have some sort of half-assed, 
			mealy-mouthed objection to pubescent 
			antics, that took place almost ten 
			years ago?  What the fuck is your 
			problem?!?

	Holden's eyes are downcast.  Alyssa waits for a response.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I want us to be something that we 
			can't.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			And what's that?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(beat)
			A normal couple.

	Holden skulks off.  Alyssa stares after him, and then 
	starts kicking and punching a car beside her, finally 
	slumping to the ground.  She cries.



<b>	INT STUDIO - DUSK
</b>
	Holden sits on the couch, alone in the dark.  The door 
	opens and Banky enters.  He stands there, sizing up 
	Holden's mood.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			The girl?

	Holden nods.  Banky nods back.  He stands there for a 
	beat.  Then he sits beside Holden.  He opens his arms.  
	Holden shifts into his friend's embrace and begins crying 
	on his shoulder.  Banky pats his back.  Pull back on a 
	man in pain and the comfort of a friend.



<b>	INT DINER - NIGHT
</b>
	Holden sits alone at a booth.  He stirs his iced tea.

<b>					OC VOICE
</b>			Yo, look at this morose mother fucker 
			here..

	Holden looks up.  JAY and SILENT BOB stand above him.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Smells like somebody shit in his 
			cereal.

	Holden offers a half-smile.  The pair slide into the 
	booth.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What took you so long?

<b>					JAY
</b>			We were at the mall.  You bring the 
			salad?

	Holden pulls an envelope out of his jacket and tosses it 
	to Jay.  Jay opens it and pulls out a thick wad of bills, 
	along with the latest issue of 'BLUNTMAN and CHRONIC.'

<b>					JAY
</b>			Man, this likeness rights shit is more 
			profitable than selling smoke.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			How'd a dirt merchant like you ever 
			learn about likeness rights?

<b>					JAY
</b>				(hands envelope to Silent 
				Bob)
			We deal to a lot of lawyers.  Speaking 
			of which...
				(pulls out a dime bag)
			Little signing bonus and shit!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'll pass.  Take a look at the issue.

	Silent Bob thumbs through the comic.  Jay looks over his 
	shoulder, as he begins rolling a joint.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Yeah.  When you gonna get some pussy 
			in that book, man!  Throw some super-
			villain in with big fucking tits that 
			shoot milk or something, and I just 
			drink her dry, bust some moves on 
			her...
				(demonstrates)
			...and then she has to fuck me.
				(Silent Bob hits him)
			Fuck us.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'll see what I can do.

	A WAITRESS joins them.

<b>					WAITRESS
</b>			What can I get you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Nothing, thanks.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Yo Flo - tell Mel to whip me up a 
			toasted bagel and cream cheese.
				(to Silent Bob)
			You want one too?
				(Silent Bob nods)
			Make that two.  And kiss my grits.  
			Noonch.
				(the Waitress leaves; to 
				Holden)
			D'jever watch 'Alice'?  That show's 
			good as hell.
				(continues rolling)
			So why the long face, Horse?  Banky on 
			the rag?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			When is he not?  No - I'm just having 
			some girl trouble.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Bitch pressing charges?  I get that a 
			lot.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			No.  I'm just at a point where I don't 
			know what to do.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Kick her to the curb.  Girls get to be 
			too much trouble, there's always the 
			'band of the hand'.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Can't do it, g.  I'm in love.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Ah, there ain't no such thing.  You 
			gotta boil it all down to the 
			essentials.  It's like Cube says - 
			life ain't nothing but bitches and 
			money.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Just what I needed - advice from the 
			'hood

<b>					JAY
</b>			Who is this girl?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't think you know her.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Come on man - I'm people who know 
			people.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You sound like Barbra Streisand.

<b>					JAY
</b>			That's 'cause I got this tubby bitch 
			playing her greatest hits tape in my 
			ear all the time.  You should see him: 
			she starts singing 'You Don't Bring Me 
			Flowers', this faggot starts crying 
			like a little girl with a skinned knee 
			and shit.  It's embarrassing.  I got 
			the only muscle in the world with a 
			weakness for ballads.
				(to Silent Bob)
			You big fucking softie.
				(to Holden)
			So what's this skirt's name!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm telling you, you don't know her.

<b>					JAY
</b>			I ain't playing.  Tell me her name, 
			Mysterio.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Alyssa Jones.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Finger Cuffs?

	Holden rubs his eyes.

<b>					JAY
</b>			You're dating Finger Cuffs?  Wait a 
			minute I thought she was all gay and 
			shit!

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			She is.  Or was.  I don't know.

	The Waitress returns with the order.

<b>					JAY
</b>			And you go out with her?  Shit, man - 
			you're a lucky dog.  She bring other 
			chicks to bed with you, get a little 
			of that filet o' fish sammich going 
			on?

	The Waitress stares wide-eyed and offended at Jay.

<b>					JAY
</b>				(off the Waitress' look)
			Yeah - you know what I'm talking 
			about, baby.
				(Waitress  leaves;  to 
				Holden)
			So - four tits, or what?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's not like that.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Well what's it like then?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Right now?
				(beat)
			I don't know.  I love her.  But she 
			has a past

<b>					JAY
</b>			I'll say.  Stuffin' two guys, eating 
			chicks out.  Yo - I heard one time, 
			she had this dog...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Eat your fucking bagel already!

<b>					JAY
</b>				(to Silent Bob)
			Look at this touchy mother fucker 
			right here.
				(to Holden)
			So, if you're all in love with her, 
			what's the problem?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			The problem is shit like that.  It was 
			one thing when it was just girls - 
			that was weird enough.  But now you 
			throw guys into the mix - two guys at 
			once, no less.  All that 
			experience...What am I supposed to 
			think?

<b>					JAY
</b>			You think good; because now she'll be 
			all true blue and shit.  The girl's 
			tasted life, yo.  Now she's settlin' 
			for your boring, funny-book-makin' 
			ass.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Settling.  That's comforting, Jay.  
			Thanks.

<b>					JAY
</b>			That's what I'm here for.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm lust having a problem with all of 
			it I can't get it out of my head these 
			visuals of her doing all this shit.  
			And I don't know why I can't let it 
			go.  Because I'm crazy about her, you 
			know?  I look at this girl, I see the 
			future.  I see kids.  I see grand-
			kids.

<b>					JAY
</b>			You're scaring me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm scaring myself.  Because I think 
			so much of her,  and then I can't get 
			over shit like 'Finger Cuffs'.
				(shakes his head)
			I don't know what I'm doing.

	Holden looks out the window.  Jay continues to roll his 
	joint.  There's silence. Then...

<b>					BOB
</b>			You're chasing Amy.

	Holden's head snaps forward.  He stares, wide-eyed at 
	Silent Bob.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What..what did you say?

<b>					BOB
</b>			You're chasing Amy.

	Holden stares, shocked.  He looks to Jay, who's still 
	rolling his joint.

<b>					JAY
</b>			What do you look so shocked for?  He 
			does this all the time.  Fat bastard 
			thinks just because he never says 
			anything, that it'll have some huge 
			impact when he does open his fucking 
			mouth.

<b>					BOB
</b>			Why don't you shut up?  Jesus!  Always 
			yap, yap, yapping all the time.  Give 
			me a fucking headache.
				(to Holden)
			I went through something like what 
			you're going through.  Years ago.  
			Same kind of thing with a girl named 
			Amy.

<b>					JAY
</b>			When?

<b>					BOB
</b>			A couple of years ago.

<b>					JAY
</b>			What'd she 'Live in Canada' or 
			something?  Why don't I remember this?

<b>					BOB
</b>			What you don't know about me I can 
			just about squeeze into the Grand 
			fucking Canyon.  Did you know I always 
			wanted to be a dancer in Vegas?

	Jay and Holden look at him.  Silent Bob busts a move with 
	his hands.

<b>					BOB
</b>			Hunhh?  Bet you didn't know that?

<b>					JAY
</b>			Just cell your fucking story so we can 
			get out of here and smoke this.

<b>					BOB
</b>				(to Holden)
			So there's me an Amy, and we're all 
			inseparable, right?  Just big time in 
			love.  And then about four months in, 
			I ask about the ex-boyfriend.  Dumb 
			move, I know, but you know how it is - 
			you don't really want to know, but you 
			just have to... stupid guy bullshit.  
			Anyway she starts telling me all about 
			him - how they dated for years, lived 
			together, her mother likes me better, 
			blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay.  But 
			then she tells me that a couple times, 
			he brought other people to bed with 
			them - menage a tois, I believe it's 
			called.  Now this just blows my mind.  
			I mean, I'm not used to that sort of 
			thing, right?  I was raised Catholic.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Saint Shithead.

	Silent Bob backhands him.  Jay raises his fist as if to 
	strike.

<b>					BOB
</b>			Do something.
				(to Holden)
			So I get weirded out, and just start 
			blasting her, right?  This is the only 
			way I can deal with it - by calling 
			her a slut, and telling her that she 
			was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I 
			want to hurt her - because I don't 
			know how to deal with what I'm 
			feeling.  And I'm like "What the fuck 
			is wrong with you?"  and she's telling 
			me that it was that time, in that 
			place, and she didn't do anything 
			wrong, so she's not gonna apologize.  
			So I tell her it's over, and I walk.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Fucking a.

<b>					BOB
</b>			No, idiot.  It was a mistake.  I 
			wasn't disgusted with her, I was 
			afraid.  At that moment, I felt small - 
			like I'd lacked experience, like I'd 
			never be on her level or never be 
			enough for her or something.  
			And what I didn't get was that she 
			didn't care.  She wasn't looking for 
			that guy anymore.  She was looking for 
			me.  But by the time I realized this, 
			it was too late, you know.  She'd 
			moved on, and all I had to show for it 
			was some foolish pride, which then 
			gave way to regret.  She was the girl, 
			I know that now.  But I pushed her 
			away...

	Everyone's silent Silent Bob lights a cigarette.

<b>					BOB
</b>			So I've spent every day since then 
			chasing Amy...
				(takes a drag from his smoke)
			So to speak.

	They sit there for a beat.  Jay pockets the rest of his 
	dime-bag.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Enough of this fucking melodrama.  My 
			advice - forget her, dude.  There's 
			one woman in the world.  One woman, 
			with many faces.
				(to Silent Bob)
			Get up, bitch
				(to Holden)
			We gotta book.  We're catching a bus 
			to Chi-town.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			What's there?

<b>					JAY
</b>			Business, yo.  How many more of those 
			phat envelopes do we got coming to us?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I don't know.  I don't know if the 
			book's going to be around much longer.

<b>					JAY
</b>			Yeah?  Good.  I'll be glad as shit 
			when it's gone.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Are you kidding me?  There's millions 
			of people out there that'd love to see 
			themselves in a comic book.

<b>					JAY
</b>			I know.  I spend every fucking waking 
			hour with one of them.  But it ain't 
			like us at all - all slapsticky and 
			shit - running around like dicks, 
			saying... What's that shit you got me 
			saying?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Snootchie-bootchies.

<b>					JAY
</b>			'Snootchie-bootchies'.  Who talks like 
			that?  That's baby-talk.
				(slaps his hand)
			It's a big world, g - but we're bound 
			to run into you again.  Until then - 
			keep your unit on you.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'll try.

<b>					BOB
</b>			Do, or do not - there is no ay.

<b>					JAY
</b>				(slaps him)
			Knock it off!  Get your fat ass moving 
			- we got a bus to catch.
				(under his breath)
			Jedi-bitch.

	Exit Jay and Silent Bob.  Holden remains in the booth, 
	thinking.



<b>	MONTAGE - AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE
</b>
	1) Holden sits at his drawing table, tapping his pencil 
	up and down.

	2)Alyssa sits in a club, getting talked at by some women. 
	She's not present in the conversation.

	3) Banky meets with Sloss at a restaurant Sloss shakes 
	the contracts at him, and Banky makes the "I know, I 
	know," face.

	4) Holden stares at the picture Alyssa gave him.

	5) Alyssa with her ear to the phone.  She hangs up, 
	angrily.

	6) Holden sits in the park that he and Alyssa walked 
	through.  He's staring at Alyssa's yearbook picture.  He 
	closes the book and sighs.  Then, an idea hits him.  He 
	jumps up and dashes out of the park.



<b>	INT STUDIO - NIGHT
</b>
	Banky and Alyssa sit on the couch.  Holden paces in front 
	of them.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I know you're wondering why I asked 
			you both here tonight, at the same 
			time, knowing that we have shit to 
			settle between us, separately.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			I just figured you wanted to kill two 
			birds with one stone by telling her to 
			fuck off with me here so you didn't 
			have to go through the story again 
			later on.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Fuck you.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Not even if you let me videotape it.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Enough!
				(they both look at him)
			I've been going through things, over 
			and over.  And I dissected it all, and 
			looked at it a thousand different 
			ways.  Banky - there's friction 
			between us for the first time in our 
			lives.  You hate me dating Alyssa and 
			you want me to sign off on this M-TV 
			thing.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			How perceptive.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Alyssa - you and I hit a wall, because 
			I don't know how to deal with... your 
			past, I guess.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			That's a nice way of putting it.  I'd 
			have said the whole double-stuff 
			thing...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(right in his face)
			I'm only going to say it once: shut 
			up.
				(back to pacing)
			Now - I know I'm to blame one way or 
			the other on both accounts.  With you, 
			Alyssa - it's my fault because I feel 
			inadequate.  Because you've had so 
			much experience, had such a big life; 
			and my life's been pretty small in 
			comparison.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			That doesn't matter to me...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Please.  I have to get through this.
				(beat)
			And with you Banky - I know why you're 
			having such a hard time with Alyssa, 
			and it's something that's been obvious 
			forever, but I guess I just didn't 
			acknowledge it.
				(takes a deep breath)
			You're in love with me.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(makes a face; beat)
			What?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You're attracted to me.  Just as, in a 
			way, I'm attracted to you.  I mean, it 
			makes sense - we've been together so 
			long, we have so much in common...

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(getting up)
			Well, I've got to get home and catch 
			the last few minutes of 'Babylon 5', 
			so I'll be...

	Holden grabs him, kisses him full on the lips, and pushes 
	him back onto the couch Alyssa reacts.  Banky - wide-eyed 
	and speechless - looks away.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			It's something you're going to have to 
			deal with.  Bank.  You may very well 
			be gay, which explains your homophobia 
			and why you're so jealous of Alyssa, 
			and your sense of humor as well.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Just 'cause a guy's got a predilection 
			coward dick jokes...

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Bank.  Stop.  Deal with it.  You'll 
			feel much better.

	He grabs a chair from the side of the room.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Now - at this point, you may be asking 
			yourself the question that I've been 
			going over and over in my head for the 
			last few days: what does one have to 
			do with the other?

	Alyssa's face drops.  She subtly shakes her head.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(under her breath)
			Don't.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			And when I did some serious soul-
			searching, it came at me from out of 
			nowhere, and suddenly it all made 
			sense - a calm came over me.  I know 
			what we have to do.  And then you - 
			Bank, you Alyssa, and I - all of us... 
			can finally be... alright.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(again, under her breath)
			Please don't say it.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(sits in the chair; takes a 
				long beat)
			We've all got to have sex together.

	The room is silent.  Holden Lights a cigarette.  Banky's 
	eyes nearly bug.   Alyssa's  head drops.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Don't you see?  That would take care 
			of everything.  Alyssa - I wouldn't 
			feel inadequate or too conservative 
			anymore.  I'll have done something on 
			par with all the experience you've 
			had.  And it'll be with you, which'll 
			make it that much more powerful.  And 
			Banky - you can cake that leap that 
			everyone else but you sees that you 
			should take.  And it'll be okay, 
			because it'll be with me - your best 
			friend for years.  We've been 
			everything to each other but 
			intimates.  And now, we'll have been 
			through that together too.  And it 
			won't have to be a total leap for you, 
			because a woman will be involved.  And 
			when it's over, all that aggression 
			you feel toward Alyssa will be gone.  
			Because you'll have shared in 
			something beautiful with the woman I 
			love.  It'll be cathartic.  A true 
			communion.  We have to do this.  For 
			me, for both of you... for all of our 
			sakes.  This will keep us together.
				(beat)
			What do you say?

	Banky stares forward, wide-eyed.  He leans back into the 
	couch and lets out a huge sigh.  Then shrugs.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Sure.

	Holden smiles at his friend.  Then he looks at Alyssa.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You know I need this.  You know it'll 
			help.

	Alyssa looks at him, sadly.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No.

	Holden reacts, shocked Banky lets out a sigh of relief.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			No?  I... I thought you'd be into 
			this.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You did?  What does that say about me?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			But you've... you've done... stuff... 
			like this.  This should be no big deal 
			for you.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			You don't want this.
				(lights her cigarette)
			You really don't want this.  Trust me.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I need this.  This has to happen.  Why 
			can't you see that?  And how can you 
			not?  What does that say about me?  
			You can take it from two guys whose 
			names you can barely remember, but I 
			ask you to share an experience like it 
			- where it's about intimacy - and you 
			say no?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(inhales from her cigarette, 
				takes a beat)
			I can't.

	Holden moves to her side of the couch.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You can.  I'll be there.  And when 
			it's over, we'll be the strongest 
			we've ever been because we got through 
			some nasty shit together.  And we'll 
			finally be on the same level together.  
			And then there'll be nothing we can't 
			accomplish.

	A tear rolls down her cheek She looks at him, sadly, and 
	touches his face.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Oh Holden.
				(trying to compose herself)
			That time is over for me.  I've been 
			there.  I've done it.  And I didn't 
			find what I was looking for in any of 
			it.  I found that in you - in us.  
			Doing this won't help you forget about 
			the things you're hung up on.  It'll 
			create more.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			No it won't.  I thought about all of 
			that.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			No, it will.  Maybe you'll see me 
			differently from then on - maybe 
			you'll despise me for going along with 
			it, once you're in the moment.  Maybe 
			I'll moan differently and then you'll 
			resent Banky, and become suspicious of 
			us.  Or you'll alienate him because of 
			it, and then grow to blame and hate me 
			for the deterioration of your 
			friendship.  Or what if- I sincerely 
			doubt it, but what if - I saw 
			something in Banky that I never saw 
			before, and fell in love with him and 
			left you.  I've been down roads like 
			this before; many times.  I know you 
			feel doing this will broaden your 
			horizons and give you experience.  But 
			I've had those experiences on my own.  
			I can't accompany you on your's.  I'm 
			past that now.
				(touches his face; stares to 
				cry)
			Or maybe I just love you too much.  
			And I feel hurt and let down that 
			you'd want to share me with anyone.  
			Because I never wanted to share you
				(holds it in; gets up)
			Regardless I can't be a part of this.
				(beat)
			Or you.  Not anymore
				(hugs him)
			I love you.  I always will.  Know 
			that.

	She releases him, then slaps him.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			But I'm not your fucking whore.

	Alyssa storms away, stopping briefly to look Banky up and 
	down.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			He's your's again.

	She walks our of the studio.  The door closes behind her.

	Banky and Holden stand there, silently.  Cut to black.

<b>	INT COMIC BOOK SHOW - DAY
</b>
	It's ONE YEAR later.  We're at another show, not unlike 
	the one from the opening.

	A copy of 'Bluntman and Chronic' enters the frame.  The 
	cover reads 'The Death Chronic', complete with a 
	corresponding drawing.

<b>					BANKY V.O.
</b>			Blast from the past.

	Banky sits at his own signing table.  Behind him hangs a 
	banner that reads 'BANKY EDWARDS - CREATOR Of BABY DAVE'.  
	A small line is formed in front of him.  He talks with a 
<b>	FAN.
</b>
<b>					FAN
</b>			Do you know how much it's going for 
			these days?  One ten.  You signing it 
			will push that up even higher,

<b>					BANKY
</b>			If you sell it, I want a kickback
				(starts signing)

<b>					FAN
</b>			I don't know if this is true, but I 
			heard once that there was going to be 
			an animated series.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			There was going to be

<b>					FAN
</b>			What happened!

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(off comic)
			You're looking at it.  No Chronic - no 
			cartoon

<b>					FAN
</b>			That sucks man.  That would've been 
			awesome.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Tell me about it

<b>					FAN
</b>			Is that what happened to you and 
			Holden McNeil?  You got into a fight 
			over the rights or something?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			It was a little more involved than 
			that.

<b>					FAN
</b>			Whatever happened to him?

<b>					BANKY
</b>			He quit the biz.  I guess.

<b>					FAN
</b>			You guys don't talk anymore?

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(looks OC)
			No.  Not really.

	Banky locks eyes with someone OC.  His expression 
	softens.

	Holden leans against a wall on the far side of the room.  
	He smiles at Banky.  Banky smiles back, and sort of nods.

	Holden holds up a copy of Banky's new solo comic.  He 
	points to it and gives a thumbs up.

<b>					OC FAN
</b>			Probably shouldn't have killed off 
			Chronic.

	Banky smiles to OC.

<b>					BANKY
</b>			Guess not.  Some doors just shouldn't 
			be opened.

	Banky looks in another direction, OC.  He looks at Holden 
	and points to it.   Holden looks in the same direction, 
	and then looks back at Banky and nods.

<b>					OC FAN
</b>			You don't need that guy, anyway.  You 
			do great stuff without him.

	Banky looks at Holden for a beat.  Then he brings his 
	pointer fingers together,  mimicing Holden's 'shared 
	moment' gesture.

	Holden shrugs slightly, then crosses his fingers - as if 
	to say 'hopefully'.

<b>					OC FAN
</b>			You were just carrying that guy, 
			anyway.

	Banky sort of smiles at the OC Holden.  Then he offers 
	his own thumbs up - as to say 'good luck'.

<b>					BANKY
</b>				(to fan, still looking OC)
			You're so right.

	Holden smiles back, nods 'bye', and walks off.

<b>					OC FAN
</b>			Well, keep up the good work, man.  
			Love them dick jokes.  Love 'em.  See 
			ya.

	The Fan Leaves, but Banky is watching Holden go.

<b>					BXVKY
</b>			Yeah.  Bye.
				(shakes it off)
			Okay.  Who's next?

	Alyssa sits at a separate signing table, with a line in 
	front of her.  A WOMAN behind her.  Alyssa dashes off 
	signatures in the copies of her comic.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(to OC departing fan)
			Thanks for reading it.

	The Woman stands and rubs her shoulders.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			I'm going to get a soda.  You want 
			anything?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I'm fine, thanks,

	The Woman heads off.  Alyssa starts rummaging through her 
	bag.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(not rooking up)
			Okay, who's next!

	A comic book drops on the table in front of her.   It's a 
	comic book called 'Chasing Amy'.

	She leafs through it, not looking up.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Um... This isn't one of mine.

<b>					OC HOLDEN
</b>			It's mine.

	Alyssa looks up sharply.

	Holden stands before her, smiling.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I saved you one.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Hi.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Hi.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(beat)
			How've you been?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Good.  Really good.  Yourself?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Good
				(beat; off her own comic)
			New issue's selling like crazy, for 
			some reason.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Because it's so good.  I really liked 
			it.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Thank you.
				(off comic)
			I haven't even seen this yet.  Did it 
			just come out?

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			A month ago.  I did a really small 
			run.  Self-financed.  Only about five 
			hundred issues.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Will I enjoy it?
<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			You might.  It's familiar subject 
			matter.

	Alyssa leafs through it.  Her eyes get somewhat misty.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Looks Like a very personal story.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I finally had something personal to 
			say.

	They look at each other for a beat

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'm going to go.  I don't want to hold 
			up the line.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Yeah.  I mean, it can get ugly.  I 
			just saw this nun in line call this 
			small child a cunt-rag.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>				(smiles)
			Read that, when you have a minute

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			I will.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			I'd like to hear your thoughts about 
			it.  If you get a chance, give me a 
			call.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Okay.

	They look at each other for a beat.

<b>					HOLDEN
</b>			Nice seeing you again,

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Really nice to see you too.

	He walks away.  A few steps away, he turns and waves 
	again.  She waves back.  And then he starts moving 
	through the thrall of fan-boys.

	The Woman returns with coffee.  She follows Alyssa's 
	gaze.

<b>					WOMAN
</b>			who was that?

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>			Hmm!  Oh.  Just some guy I knew.

	She watches him go for another beat, then.

<b>					ALYSSA
</b>				(to line)
			Next
				(to Woman)
			So what do you want to do tonight?

	And as they fall into conversation, the show goes on.
<b>							END
</b>


</pre>
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	<td><h1>Chasing Amy</h1><br><br>
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Where does Holden angrily confront Alyssa about the alleged threesome?
Where does Holden angrily confront Alyssa about the alleged threesome ?
At a hockey game
At a hockey game
at a hockey game
at a hockey game