The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix (JCVD-RM)

1. Who is he? Chance Boudreaux, the annual winner of New Orleans' "Worst permullet" contest.
2. Which family member/friend must be avenged? A fellow homeless vet
3. Does he take his shirt off? He stays in the same horrible jean jacket the entire movie
4. Does he have sex with a C-List actress?  I was crossing my finger for him, but it didn't work out
5. Is there a tournament? No tournament, just a hunt
6. Is training needed for this tournament? He got some military training earlier in life
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament?  The only splits are of the flying kick variety
8. Does he punch someone in the balls?  Unbelievably, all cojones remain safe
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks? Awesome collection of kicks in this one, it's like JCVD was doing tricks.  He knocks out a guy's cigar, makes another guy spit, and takes off some designer glasses with another roundhouse.
10. Is his enemy unbeatable?  Like most rich people, they think they are...that is, until they've met JCMFVD!
11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance?  He gets shot, beat, and burned.
12. Does he win? With the help of his "Cajun" uncle (Brimley), the good guys win yet again.

An opening sequence of ominous villains - led by the ever-capable Emil Fouchon (Henrikson) and creepy henchman Pik van Cleef (Vosloo) - with high-powered bows of some kind, hunting a beleaguered, downtrodden man foreshadows the type of awesome premise that JCVD typically nails.  In this John Woo production, however, it symbolizes the stylized excess that is the cinema version of sugar cookie, covered in frosting, deep fried inside divinity - it was just a bit much.

Gorgeous Natasha Binder (Yancy Butler) is looking for her father, the aforementioned moving archery target, a homeless man with whom she barely conversed.  She quickly enlists the help of Chance Boudreaux, a local drifter and combat veteran, to find her father.  Together, the twosome discovers a local reenactment of The Most Dangerous Game, where rich men hunt poor ex-military men for sport.

Tons of great action ensues, but a few bad scenes are present.  One has JCVD surfing on a speeding motorcycle as it approaches an SUV filled to the brim with bad guys firing automatic weapons.  A few scenes later there is an incredibly lame scene where he punches a rattle snake; although, the snake later takes a pistol between the fangs in a gloriously explosive death.  The final showdown comes in a huge warehouse that is evidently a graveyard for Mardi Gras floats as well as an ordinance depot.  Guns, arrows, explosions, kicks, punches, flips...saturation.  Nonstop, adrenaline pumping action, it's just a bit too much, even for a JCVDaholic like me.
The Jean Claude Van Damme Review Matrix (JCVD-RM)

1. Who is he? Chance Boudreaux, the annual winner of New Orleans' "Worst permullet" contest. 2. Which family member/friend must be avenged? A fellow homeless vet
3. Does he take his shirt off? He stays in the same horrible jean jacket the entire movie
4. Does he have sex with a C-List actress? I was crossing my finger for him, but it didn't work out
5. Is there a tournament? No tournament, just a hunt
6. Is training needed for this tournament? He got some military training earlier in life
7. Does he do the splits in training or in the tournament? The only splits are of the flying kick variety
8. Does he punch someone in the balls? Unbelievably, all cojones remain safe
9. Does he do a series of flying or 360 kicks? Awesome collection of kicks in this one, it's like JCVD was doing tricks. He knocks out a guy's cigar, makes another guy spit, and takes off some designer glasses with another roundhouse. 10. Is his enemy unbeatable? Like most rich people, they think they are... that is, until they've met JCMFVD! 11. Does he overcome an injury or other hindrance? He gets shot, beat, and burned. 12. Does he win? With the help of his "Cajun" uncle (Brimley), the good guys win yet again. An opening sequence of ominous villains - led by the ever-capable Emil Fouchon (Henrikson) and creepy henchman Pik van Cleef (Vosloo) - with high-powered bows of some kind, hunting a beleaguered, downtrodden man foreshadows the type of awesome premise that JCVD typically nails. In this John Woo production, however, it symbolizes the stylized excess that is the cinema version of sugar cookie, covered in frosting, deep fried inside divinity - it was just a bit much. Gorgeous Natasha Binder (Yancy Butler) is looking for her father, the aforementioned moving archery target, a homeless man with whom she barely conversed. She quickly enlists the help of Chance Boudreaux, a local drifter and combat veteran, to find her father. Together, the twosome discovers a local reenactment of The Most Dangerous Game, where rich men hunt poor ex-military men for sport. Tons of great action ensues, but a few bad scenes are present. One has JCVD surfing on a speeding motorcycle as it approaches an SUV filled to the brim with bad guys firing automatic weapons. A few scenes later there is an incredibly lame scene where he punches a rattle snake; although, the snake later takes a pistol between the fangs in a gloriously explosive death. The final showdown comes in a huge warehouse that is evidently a graveyard for Mardi Gras floats as well as an ordinance depot. Guns, arrows, explosions, kicks, punches, flips... saturation. Nonstop, adrenaline pumping action, it's just a bit too much, even for a JCVDaholic like me.