Abdul Hameed, Shahnaz
manuscript
nan
oai:philarchive.org/rec/ABDAMA-2
en
Philosophy
A metaphorical analysis on structures
info:eu-repo/semantics/article
No I don't want myself to be solved, simple, mechanical, algorithmic, elegant solutions are boringI don't want steps concrete, all constantly afar from each other with the reek of old shoes and beaten leather, the same step over and over again, no matter how high you're going, how is the high of constant tire a highwhen you're simply fluctuating in a plane of monotony, with a pretence, a scary pretence, a dangerously betraying pretence of progresswhen in fact you're dragging routine ahead, falling in love with order, such order-ous order, such line-like squar-ey syllables surrounding voices and shivering in its callous, dirty, delirious companionship to the crowdoh how safe and sound, with the chirps, ah the chirpsthe chirpness of each chirpthese chirpsah aren't they overratedhow beautiful is the morningno it s forced, it wasn't beautifulwhat was beautiful was not looked atthe beauty was pulled out of thin airat the instant! At the call of the instant! Ah you needed beautyso you forced those sights and smells and sounds and senses to be beautifulah the chirpsare those chirps beautiful? How can the pleasure of beauty emerge out of a distant blur in simple expectation of beauty? Why do you expect beauty to be at the same points in space and time, why do you bicker out the dirty mud and pull out scraps and old feathers and grey stones and hurt and wound your hands and oh there s blood! There s blood everywhere! Eh you're not stopping, you scrap down the rocky rock-dom with your bloody, beautiful, damned, desperate hands for beauty in the same, same ohso -same places crying in its same-ness, deeper and deeper and then you cry when your hands are hurt and your face is burnt and there is a whisp-ey voice of rolling sweat sliding in shame by those foreheads so upfront by the light that linger by without any botherwhy would it bother? Ah the light goes awaynow you're struck by a sudden stroke of dark, dark darkness, look there s still blood on those hands, but you can't seeyou feel the pain, you hear it hitting the rock bottom of nothingness where you dug bare for your unfair part of beautynow there s nothingnow there s painyou feel tears by the broken chin stump on by the wheels, wheels going where? Did those wheels have somewhere to goand now the stump chin and drooping body scares you in its embracenow you know that you are, you arebut ah you so desperately so-so desperately needed that wisp of beautydidn't know what that was did younow you didn't know you didn't knowjust thought you'd know when that comeshow come it never passedhow come you never knewhow come you're so naivenow everything hurts youthe naivety and how such a thing existsthe existence of something hurts youah the simple existence of a dainty epiphenomenon scares youoh screws, ah the pain, now the dark has gotten darker, ah that s beautifulwaitthere is painbut the darkness of the dark is contemplatable, how dark it goes from simply dark to shitthat s-dark to holy-shit -I'm-trapped to wait this is beautiful. I may die, but it s dark, it s dainty, it hurts, it feels alive, it feels dead, it s killing me, it s seductive, I'm falling for it, ah it s killing me, how am I falling for it? It s alive, it s getting meI'm not deadbut I want a death these hands bringeverything is so void of meaning that the ratethe rate-the rate of changechangechangehow luxuriousmay I utter it before I diedo I have the luxury of uttering itcan I do it again? Change, ha it s a highit s a high in uttering those letters togetherc-h-a-n-g-e , beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful! There is lightI didn't need light, I needed pain in the hands of desperacynow there I lightand there are sights I don't want to see, the dark made the "I" into a mould of vulnerable, profuse, ugly, crying wholeah I needed thatthe laze was comforting, the laze allowed me to utter and 'be' in the luxury of c-h-a-n-g-e, it strangled me and dragged me along those muted stairways where laughters dieand I loved how I felt alive, there was pain, and ah the lights too strong, it hurts, the hurt I'm used to, I despise the hurt I'm used todespise it so fullyah the light is so loud it shivers within my body, rings like a rolling crescendothis feels low, I wanted lazeI loved the comfort of strangle and lazelonged for the strangle