Home The Op-Eds	Vogue Shows Us How Not To Manage Our Children's Weight… Or Project Our Insecurities Onto Them
Vogue Shows Us How Not To Manage Our Children's Weight… Or Project Our Insecurities Onto Them
by Erika Nicole Kendall July 1, 2014
Last week, the Internet was all abuzz over the "Weight Watcher" article penned by a Dara-Lynn Weiss, who wrote about the story of making her seven year old daughter – lovingly referred to as Bea – lose 16lbs (going from 93lbs at 4'4″ down to 77lbs) through a pretty heinous diet. There was moderate exercise involved – the child apparently had taken a liking to karate and swimming – but, as it should've been, the focus was on her eating habits.
I don't think anyone finds it irrational for a parent to be mindful of their child's weight, especially when this happens:
One day Bea came home from school in tears, confessing that a boy at school had called her fat. The incident crushed me, but it was a wake-up call. Being overweight is not a private struggle. Everyone can see it.
Far too many of us know what it's like to be called that horrid word, or disparaged because of our weight. We don't want those kinds of pains for our children. No, I genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with considering this a call to action.
It's the kinds of actions taken that are the damn problem, here:
I once reproachfully deprived Bea of her dinner after learning that her observation of French Heritage Day at school involved nearly 800 calories of Brie, filet mignon, baguette, and chocolate. I stopped letting her enjoy Pizza Fridays when she admitted to adding a corn salad as a side dish one week. I dressed down a Starbucks barista when he professed ignorance of the nutrition content of the kids' hot chocolate whose calories are listed as "120-210" on the menu board: Well, which is it? When he couldn't provide an answer, I dramatically grabbed the drink out of my daughter's hands, poured it into the garbage, and stormed out.
I cringe when I recall the many times I had it out with Bea over a snack given to her by a friend's parent or caregiver … rather than direct my irritation at the grown-up, I often derided Bea for not refusing the inappropriate snack. And there have been many awkward moments at parties, when Bea has wanted to eat, say, both cookies and cake, and I've engaged in a heated public discussion about why she can't.
But why wouldn't she? Why wouldn't she feel justified in her fight against her daughter's impending doom… er, fatness? Every message she's gotten about being fat, being overweight, being unhealthy has been so convoluted and conflated with industry-promoting pitches that it's a wonder how any women are not treating their children so poorly.
Weiss weaves a tale of bystanders noticing little Bea's weight increasing, and showering Dara with unsolicited advice on how to manage it, a pediatrician who suggests that Weiss put her daughter on a diet – ostensibly with no suggestion of which diet, no explanation of healthy or safe parameters for said diet for a seven-year-old – and loved ones insisting that Bea eat food while Weiss leaps over tables and slides under bannisters to head the plate off at the pass. I mean, this joint is wild:
I stepped between my daughter and a bowl of salad niçoise my friend was handing her, raising my palm like a traffic cop. "Thanks, I said, "but she already ate dinner."
"But she said she's still hungry," my friend replied, bewildered.
I forced a smile. "Yeah, but it's got a lot of dressing on it, and we're trying–"
"Just olive oil!" my friend interrupted. "It's superhealthy!"
My smile faded and my voice grew tense. "I know. She can't."
My friend's eyes moved to my daughter, whose gaze held the dish in the crosshairs: A Frisbee-sized bowl bursting with oil, tuna, eggs, potatoes, olives.
"But it's salad!" she ventured.
"Sorry," I said, my voice rising.
"Oh, just a little!" my friend insisted, and pushed the bowl into my daughter's eager hands, to my undisguised frustration.
I didn't originally write on this story at first, because I wanted to wait, sit back and see what everyone else had to say first. I watched outlet after outlet after outlet question this woman's parenting ability, call her names, mock her for caring about her child's weight at all… but the most peculiar of these was Jezebel. Arguably one of the most fat-acceptance spouting, anti media-imagery, presumptuously pro-woman venues on the Internet, Jezebel managed to avoid laying the blame where [at least I think] it should've been laid (at the feet of a culture hyper-obsessed with thinness of women right down to their adolescence), but instead curled over and took a dump on this woman! Not once, not twice, but multiple times! With the announcement that Weiss has actually potentially scored a book deal for her story, Jezebel announced it – leaving me to assume they were planning on making Weiss their personal whipping girl – with a post dripping with so much sarcasm, it left me in need of a tissue to wipe my screen after I'd finished with it.
Every day, women are beaten over the head with the "reality" that it's not important to be smart, successful, or even a go-getter – that "go-getterism" is instantaneously stunted by use of the word "b-tch;" as in, we love hard nosed bosses, so long as they're not women… because then, we have to call her that beloved b-word. No, no.. it's most important for a woman's body to look the way society thinks it should look, lest we deny her favors like… I don't know, the same wage as her thinner counterparts?
Every message in society tells us that being fat is wrong and bad. Having a body that doesn't look like what we think is ideal… is bad. Wrong. Unacceptable. What mother, hyper-aware of the consequences that have befallen heftier women in her community, wouldn't fight that for her child? Especially if she knows being overweight is a struggle, considering her own body image issues:
Growing up in an affluent, achievement-driven suburb, I had suffered through my own issues with food, eating, and weight. Though the rest of my family had a seemingly healthy relationship with food, I was constantly battling weight gain and asking my mother to lock up the peanut butter jar and the omnipresent box of Entenmann's Pecan Danish Ring. Whether I weighed in at 105 pounds or 145 pounds hardly mattered – I hated how my body looked and devoted an inordinate amount of time to trying to change it.
Over the last 30 years, I've been on and off weight watchers, Atkins, Slim Fast, LA Weight Loss, Jenny Craig, juice diets and raw food diets. In my teenage years, I dabbled in the occasional laxative or emetic, and once fainted at a summer program in Vermont after three days of fasting. In my 20s, I begged a doctor friend to score me the prescription appetite suppressant fen-phen even after it was found to cause heart-valve defects and pulmonary hypertension. I have not ingested any food, looked at a restaurant menu, or been sick to the point of vomiting without silently launching a complicated mental algorithm about how it will affect my weight.
Who was I to teach a little girl how to maintain a healthy weight and body image?
If this lifestyle is all you know – if thinking and living like this is all you see in terms of how people handle weight issues… do you truly think there is any other way to handle [what your pediatrician describes as] your daughter's weight problem? If all you know is to "secretly make fun of moms who were overly concerned with the organic lineage of their kids' meals," while also presuming that parents with "fat kids? Well, clearly, something about their child-rearing was deficient — a form of neglect, or a failure to set limits." I mean, really – how many options do you see?
And, before we start to talk about how relevant this is to Black girls, I'd caution anyone to remember that as more Blacks move up in social class, more of us will face these issues and will, ostensibly, be forced to address their children's weight and eating habits. If your friend's don't say anything (like Weiss' did), then your doctor will (like Weiss' did.)
There are so many questions to ask, but so, so little time. Let me get to the point.
We create, cultivate and perpetuate the culture in America that not only says this is the way to handle your weight; not only that this is an acceptable way to manage a child's weight and pass down sensible and healthy body image to a young girl who was called fat by her peer, but also that this woman and her methods should be cheered and given a platform in the form of a book deal. We do this. Media does this. We consume this. We perpetuate this. Weiss is not acting alone in this.
I'm not willing to crap on this woman for her response to a problem. No one bothered to tell her how dire Bea's situation truly was (or if it was dire at all.) No one bothered to explain to her how to handle the situation without traumatizing her child. No one even bothered to help Weiss, herself, develop sensible self-image… her child was a long shot before the game even started.
Alas, there is pride in this story:
As a result of her amazing efforts over the past year, Bea showed up at her doctor's office for her eight-year checkup sixteen pounds lighter and almost two inches taller. She is now at a healthy weight. She looks great, and she seems to take enormous pride in her appearance. Incredibly, she has not yet exhibited symptoms of intense psychological damage."
…but what happens when the next little boy who becomes angry with Bea decides to call her fat? You've already taught her that one little boy calling her fat was grounds for her to go on a year-long diet… what is she going to do when the next happens? She refers to the words "fat" and "diet" as being painful, but still puts her daughter on a diet and reacts to her being called "fat" like it was World War III.
But really, what is Weiss doing that isn't "expected?" She was praised for what she did. It's acceptable. Rewarded with a book that will, without question, be the Tiger Mom of the diet book industry.
Gross, yes. Her fault? Not entirely.We question her parenting, but don't dare question ourselves and what, in us as a country, makes this something worth celebrating. They sit in their Vogue portrait like proud lionesses, satisfied with themselves. It's not a story of a young girl losing weight and fighting her environment to survive – it's the story of a young girl who got put through the ringer because of puberty. We don't get to find out whether, had her mother switched up her meals a bit, the young girl would've simply evened out – two inches makes a big difference – as she grew. We don't find out whether or not she's scarred because of this. As Weiss wrote, "Only time will tell whether my early intervention saved her from a life of preoccupation with her weight, or drove her to it."
Like, wow. She's certainly more susceptible to society's constant bashing of women, instead of prepared for her to come out on top, that's for sure.
Until we take a long, hard look at the messages we send to women across this country about what kinds of bodies are acceptable in certain kinds of space, we will continue to read stories and essays of how women put their children through torturous regimens and pass their ludicrous self-esteem and self-image issues onto them, and we'll continue to point the blame elsewhere… to everyone's detriment.
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Biolobri April 2, 2012 - 4:01 PM
Ugh. I hadn't heard of this before now. All I can think is that a mother's duty is to teach her daughter that she's got to love her tree.. and part of loving your tree is nurturing it. I fear this girl is not going to love her tree.
Also, the starbucks part peeved me a bit. It's just the wrong approach. A 120 calorie nutrition-less drink is perfectly acceptable but a 210 calorie one warrants dramatic trashing and storming out? This is how women (people) get wrapped up in 4 diet cokes a day rather than learning to live a healthy life.
max April 2, 2012 - 7:59 PM
This article was very hard to read. It's not that I fault the writer for trying to save her daughter from a lifetime of weight issues, but I cringed when I thought about how little Bea must have felt. The scene with the Nicoise Salad just flatlined me.
As someone who has suffered with disordered eating habits my entire lifetime, I remember all too well how ashamed, worthless, and unlovable I felt as a kid when my parents got on me about my weight. Again I totally applaud Weiss's efforts – and since I'm not a parent maybe I'm not qualified to speak on this – but I can't help feeling that there must be a better way.
Oh! And you know what irked me most of all? At the end where she said "She is now at a healthy weight. She looks great, and she seems to take enormous pride in her appearance.". That made me feel like this whole thing was less about her daughter's well-being and more about her having a good-looking kid. I'd have felt so much better if she'd said "she's healthier and she's much more active". But again I know I'm projecting.
Either way I congratulate Bea on her weight loss. Pretty amazing accomplishment for such a young girl.
Lily Fluffbottom April 2, 2012 - 8:39 PM
I think I would have preferred my mother to withhold food from me, while explaining in a way that made sense, than to let me have whatever I wanted, to quiet me down, to comfort me. Maybe it still would have led to a life time of issues with food, but maybe it would have taught me better coping skills. I don't know.
KjenNu April 2, 2012 - 8:53 PM
Hmm, I think part of the outrage is how obsessive (not just how mean the mom sounds at times) the mom is about the diet. Good/sane/healthy people are suppose to be able to effortlessly attain and maintain the preferred body ideal. The fact that mommy/daughter have to fight so hard messes with that fantasy. And plus, diet mommy sounds like a dowdy downer – one of the least preferred American mother archetypes.
T.R. April 3, 2012 - 2:05 PM
Bravo Erika for pointing out how we are ALL Weiss in some way shape or form. She seems extreme because she was honest about what she did. But what about those of us who do our extremes in the dark where no one can see and judge?
A lot of food for thought.
Krystal April 3, 2012 - 2:32 PM
I know this sounds cynical, but with the mom publicly shaming her daughter for eating/drinking foods that are NOT celery sticks, this girl WILL develop the habit of eating secretly.
Which will lead to binging.
Which will lead to guilt.
Which will lead to bulimia.
But you know…at least your daughter's thin, right?
Nicole April 3, 2012 - 4:24 PM
Reading that actually made me tear up a little. That was really sad. I'm glad that Bea isn't showing any signs of being traumatized presently. I really hope she doesn't get in this position again where her mother overreacts like that. It's frightening that this woman will be writing a book encouraging other mothers to be diet bullies. 🙁
JoAnna April 3, 2012 - 7:12 PM
So let me see if I got this straight: The daughter was 7 years old and was 93lbs at 4'4″. She gains 2″ in a year, now takes karate and swimming, and now weighs 77lbs. I guess my question is why did it take the girl being hurt by being called "fat" at school for the mother to react? I mean, if the child is eating badly with no exercise, of course she's going to put on weight. So maybe the mother wasn't exercising either.
When I babysit and walk my dog, my niece comes with me and all three of us are exhausted by the time we come back. And then she knows I have my morning "swamp muck" (protein and fiber) and we both eat oatmeal and fruit, or whole grain toast, eggs and fruit. We tease each other about wearing out the dog before she goes to school. She also knows that I cook from scratch and that she's expected to help prepare dinner. I'm still not "that fit bitch" but I'm getting there. That said, my nine year old niece understands about healthy eating and exercise by example, if only at my house. Her mother is naturally slim but has a range of ailments (asthma, bad back, allergies, etc)that "prevent" her from doing much of anything physical, except for working at her job and the occaissional night out.
I'm also perturbed that a child would come home in tears because another child called her "fat". Maybe it's a cultural difference but I can see tears because the child had a note from the principal of a need for a parent conference because she bloodied the boy's lip for insulting her. 😀
And throwing away an overpriced Starbucks coffee just because it might have an additional 100 calories?!? It's supposed to be a treat! So enjoy the treat!
Maybe it's me. Just sayin'…
Lynaya May 14, 2012 - 7:49 AM
I totally agree. I think the idea of not eating everything (like both cookies AND cake at the party) is good but a healthy lifestyle is a much better approach. I don't think this mom knew any better, so therefore she couldn't do any better. The good thing about this story is that it can be a catalyst to discussions about how we help our children to manage their weight.
LBrooke April 4, 2012 - 3:40 AM
This is definitely a hard one. Like Erika says, the intentions were good.. but the approach? I don't know. As a person who grew up in a household of people who were always pushing their ideal thoughts of how a person should look onto myself– I find this to be wrong. However, it's strange, because I sort of feel like the mother (internalized) because my family's approach sounds somewhat like what Erika said with the doctors. The, making me feel bad because I was fat, but not telling me or helping me to change it in a non-traumatizing way.
All I could say about that is, that I am traumatized. I was over weight my whole adolescent life, until I got tired of people telling me (mostly) or implying that I was fat, and then I struggled with bulimia and anorexia for a couple of years: having to be hospitalized twice (rehab wise) for it. And now, I'm obese. There's never been a happy medium because I never know how to make things right. I mean, I do now that I'm an adult.. and this site has helped me so much. It's helping me find myself, and realize certain things, and work through many issues (it's taking awhile, but I'm trying to find peace in it). However, before, I wasn't putting effort into anything. I was just pretty much doing what I witnessed about myself… feeling like an ugly fat person, and doing nothing about it.
This also is reminding me of my younger cousin– who also has issues because the weight struggle is a family affair. His father (who's not nice and often said horrible things to me when I was younger), kind of acted the way that Bea's mom did. Knit picking, and pointing out or critiquing anything that would go into his mouth. He was forced to join a gym, and he lost the weight– 30 pounds at age 12 or so. He's kept it off, and is a work out fiend, now he's just building his muscles up (plus he's older.. this was years ago). But besides the outside view of him talking up and liking his body, he's admitted to me before that he's very insecure and constantly doesn't feel good enough, and worries about his weight. I see this is Bea's future.
I understand that it's society that's taught her mother to be this way, but psychology should teach her to not be so naive as to think that she hasn't psychologically traumatized her daughter. She may not exhibit signs now.. but when she's older, and her inner voice becomes louder and more critical?? I can see it being bad for her.
I in no way think that her mother's intentions were wrong, but I do however believe that Bea will suffer the consequences of her mothers thoughtless approach to her daughter's weight loss. And I don't want to be too judgmental. I wonder often how I will raise my children, and if my inner weight fears will be burdensome on them. I never know how I would deal with my child becoming over weight. But this is why I'm choosing to be healthy now, while I'm still in my early 20's. I want to calm my inner voice, and know what I'm doing so that it's not even a problem- but if it did become one, I can say without a doubt, that I would never make my child feel completely ashamed of them self. I hope that I never have the problem.
And sure, it's good that the mother realized her own internal problems, and that she's not really fit to tell her daughter what she should be doing in that area.. but now the kid will have to suffer the consequences of what the mother did. I think it's unfair, and she'll probably become like the rest of this media-culture. Completely obsessed with body image, and never feeling "perfect".
Annette April 4, 2012 - 7:43 AM
Well I have been through that at the age of 8 I started to gain weight using food to stuff my feeling. Also combined with living in an apartment building where we weren't allowed to play outside because it wasn't safe. My mother did the same thing, and also out and out embarrassed me in a crowd so that she wouldn't be thought off as the problem.
Mom's do pass on their insecurity about food and our bodies to our children if we didn't make peace with it. I am now learning how to deal with my fears and stress. To bring up the feeling and cry to release it. Anger is so accepted, you blast someone, get angry and judge someone, eat a little extra to stuff the pain. As I work on myself it comes up again all I need to do is release it and move on. Exercise is great yet this can be used as a way to stuff the pain if you over do it.
I wonder did she talk to her daughter about why she was so anxious is she too young to do yoga. Emotional pain and loving yourself, so that you are happy and health. I believe every child should have an activity something they love. As a child I would go up and down in weight but the missing issue wasn't diet or exercise. It was the stress of dealing with a mother who saw me as a scapegoat for everything that was wrong in her life. Having someone to talk to to express my fears and concerns. Who just loved me unconditionally and expressed it would have meant a lot. Developing self worth skills so that someone don't come along and trigger self destructive behavior is key.
When I am less stressed I lose weight without trying, it's just a fact for me. But loving yourself and having a strong sense of self is so important. I remember working with an anorexic her Mom and sister just told her she was fat. The anger that she had inside became directed at herself, as she got smaller everyone told her she looked fine. Yet she couldn't turn it off the self hate program became destructive.
Self worth, loving yourself, the emotional component that most don't like to deal with is running our lives. I understand what the Mom is going through yet maybe dealing with her issue of self worth is key.
I need to love myself no matter what point I am in my journey. Why deny myself love. When will I be good enough, I am enough. If I constantly allow other people's judgement to determine my worth I'm lost. I think she needs to help herself in the process and hopefully pass on the lessons.