FAQ About the Hell Button I Had Installed in the Elevator
Does the button take you to a floor that's an actual passageway to hell?
by Robert Criss
Q. What is that new "hell" button in the elevator?
A. Don't worry about it.
Q. Well, why is it glowing red and written in Old English font?
Q. Does the button take you to a floor that's an actual passageway to hell?
Q. Should I worry about the fact that people keep disappearing after using the elevator?
A. I wouldn't.
Q. Or should I worry more about the undead bellhop beckoning people to press the hell button?
A. Take the stairs if it bothers you so much.
Q. Some say they've heard people trapped inside screaming for help as their car free-falls down the elevator shaft —what's that about?
A. Sounds unrelated.
Q. The local fire department even has a recording of the hellish sounds captured at the end of their descent after the missing passengers hit the emergency call button—what gives?
A. We should put in a work order for maintenance.
Q. So it's like a joke?
A. Uh, sure.
Q. Oh, nice. But what does it do?
Q. How can I learn more about the hell button and its function in our office building elevator?
A. Press it.
Q. Then what's going to happen?
A. You'll find out more about the hell button and its function in our office building elevator.
Q. Ouch, it's really hot to the touch. Should I be concerned?
A. Nah.
Q. Okay I pressed it and now the whole car is shaking. Why?!
A. It's working.
Q. The lights are strobing! What's happening?!
A. Soon all your questions will be answered.
Q. Won't you do something?!
A. There's nothing I can do.
Q. Make it stop! Please! It's getting hot in here!
A. That's not in the form of a question.
Q. Why did I press it? Why?!
A. Good question.
Q. Oh wait. It's letting me out on the first floor. Why is it doing that?
A. Weird. Are you a practicing member of the Buddhist, Jewish, or any other non-Christian faith?
Q. I'm Jewish. yes.
A. Bingo.
Q. So hell is only accessible to people who believe in it?
A. Something like that.
Q. But…how did it know?
A. How did it know what?
Q. How did it know I'm Jewish?
A. You've reached your question limit, sorry.
Q. Why can I only ask 20 questions? This isn't the 20 questions game, this is an FAQ.
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Robert Criss Atlanta, GA
I breakdance without the piece of cardboard on the ground & I've got 8 bloody adidas tracksuits to prove it. All in hopes to save the family farm from them... See full profile »
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