Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
#Funny #Quote of the Day #Life
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
#Funny #American Comedian
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
#Funny #American Comedian #IRS
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
#American Comedian #Funny
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.
#American Comedian #Babies #Funny
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
#American Comedian #Funny #Comedy
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur."
#Conflict
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
#American Comedian #Advice #Funny
The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
#Quote of the Day #Funny #Babies
We were somewhat unsupervised. The audience was there and the network is not going to complain if everyone's liking the show.
#Audience
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
#American Comedian