I have had a strained relationship with my dad since 2004. Fine. For the last few years we have been doing this back and forth, fake try, pretending thing. For the last 2 years, I have invited my family to his house 3 or 4 times, with him always saying no.
A couple weeks ago I asked again. I said "we would like to come down Dec 26-28 to visit for Christmas, how does that sound?" He said they (him and his wife) would talk about it. Today he called to tell me they decided to decline my request. He told me his relationship ended with me in 2004 and he doesn't want me to come down. He said we need to work on our relationship first. And the only way to move forward and work on our relationship is to allow 2 or 3 of my kids to go visit them alone at a time.
The reason our relationship fell out to begin with is because I let #1 go there when she was 7. They drank, gave her full access to cable tv, and something else I don't remember. That was in September. In December we spent a week there at Christmas and he drank every single day, to excess. So did his wife. Just as I began to think I overreacted, in Feb, he drunk dialed me while he was out with some friends. So we just decided at that point the kids didn't need to go alone.
So he said today that until I give him what he wants, I am not welcome in his life. He said I may want to talk to DH about it and get back to him. I assure you, it is not necessary.
So, in my little world, I am free. I am free for obligation, expectation, trying, etc. I am sad, but I have gone 40 years without being able to count on him, what's another 40? He seems to think that when my kids are grown, they will seek a relationship with him without me. I don't mind if they want to, I won't tell them not to. But I seriously doubt it.
hugs to you. He's not worthy of your affection and patience, but he's still your dad, so I guess you mourn what never was or will be. And you are putting your kids' safety first, there's some stuff that you just can't stand for and this is one of them.
:hugs: and prayers! What a hard thing. I'm glad for you to be in a place of closure and peace about it, though.
And, totally beside the point, for what it's worth - I agree with you. His requesting time alone with each child without you in order to repair his relationship with YOU just flat makes no sense. In fact, not knowing anything at all other than what you posted here, I find it a little creepy. So kudos to you for standing up for your kids and not caving in to his bullying.
Much thanks to Alethia for my beautiful siggie and tags!!
I'm sorry that it's a done deal but like you said, no more worries.
In fact, not knowing anything at all other than what you posted here, I find it a little creepy. So kudos to you for standing up for your kids and not caving in to his bullying.
i felt the same way reading the original post. little warning bells were going off in my head (figuratively of course). i think you have made the right decision. i am sure you have heard that quote: any man can be a father -- it takes a real man to be a dad (or something similar). he deserves respect because he IS your father, but only to the limit to where your rights (and your kids' safety) are not being infringed upon. keep up the good work, mama. you are right!
That's so sad. We are not all that close with our relatives, but my feelings would be so hurt if they didn't want us to come for a three day visit. I agree that it's best to just move on. I don't send my kids alone anywhere. Maybe I will feel differently when they are older, but I think that is an odd thing to insist upon.
I always respect you for sticking to your guns. Even with your own parents. I hope everything works out for the best for you.
I think you made the right choice! It stinks though, I know it must hurt that he is like that. I have a ridiculously difficult relationship with my sister and sometimes I wish she would just do that too because I'm so sick of dealing with all the crap, but at the same time I know how much it would hurt if she did and how sad I would be. but then I would celebrate.. lol!
FW - I totally understand where you are coming from. I haven't had a relationship with my father since I was nine. About 5 or 6 years ago, I contacted him and offered an olive branch and wanted to get together. He was all for it, and we emailed back and forth for a week or so before I realized he wasn't really into it. He then told me that his kids are grown, and don't need him anymore and I was a bitter person for holding a grudge this long. (Ummm....I was a kid.) I should just leave the past in the past and go about my life without him in it. I was crushed. But not really for what he said. More I had to grieve for what I was never going to have. Somewhere deep inside I wanted a dad that would call and check on me, take me to lunch, come see the grandkids, and just be there. I was grieving the loss of that dream.
It hurts to hear that. But you know what? You can move on now, with no regrets. You tried to work on your relationship. He has never been receptive. I felt like I needed to "forgive" to be a christian, and his slamming of that door, showed me I am the better person. I now have a clear conscience (I didn't want to have regrets someday) and he will be the one with regrets - not you. You are doing the right thing. I wouldn't send my children either. To work on your relationship with him like that just doesn't make sense.
I know you feel a little sad. I did too. But I decided to not let that man hurt me anymore. I have had too much disappointment from him and it's over. That's liberating. It will be for you too.
Tammy, I recall bits and pieces of this 'drama' over the years we have been on JM - I'm sorry it came to this, but maybe you will have some peace now!
~Lisa, homebirthing, homeschooling , homesteading mama and student midwife. Married to my beloved for 20 years, raising a big brood of children on a little farm in Southern Michigan.
Thanks for all the support. I know not giving in is the right thing to do. And really, his whole argument and his whole list of demands has nothing to do with wanting to spend time with the kids. It all comes down to me telling him no. And he is powerless to change it. More than anything in the world, he likes to believe he can control people. Either because he is good looking, has money, is strong or whatever. I think I might be one of the only ones in his life to say no and stick to it and he can't manipulate me. It is good for him.
In an unrelated note, my mil told me my sil's dog died. 14 yo. Her husband was away on a camping trip so she called her parents/my inlaws and they came over and helped her bury the dog. She says "girls grow up and get married, but sometimes they still need their daddies." I know she has no idea about this sitch with my dad. But I wrote back "that is sweet. I can't relate, but it is sweet."