Jermain Defoe has revealed he thought about quitting Tottenham in January after being left out of Harry Redknapp's team for key games.
And the England striker is worried he will drop to the bench again for the crucial Champions League clash with AC Milan, despite scoring twice at Wolves on Sunday.
Those strikes were the 28-year-old's first Barclays Premier League goals since April, and Defoe admits Redknapp's preference for playing one centre forward with Rafael van der Vaart behind has left him with limited opportunities since he recovered from an ankle injury in November.
'It's been hard,' said Defoe, who has been on the bench for games against Manchester United, Arsenal and Liverpool as well as the first leg against Milan.
'You start to think: "What am I doing here?" I'm used to playing in big games. I've played in big games for my clubs and for my country. It'll be a tough game. I hope I'm playing and if I can score and we win the game then it'll be great. But I remember playing against Charlton and scoring two goals (in a 3-0 FA Cup win in January), then the next weekend I missed out.
Sitting on the bench as Tottenham beat AC Milan 1-0 in the San Siro was particularly frustrating for Defoe. 'It was hard, because it was a big game,' he said. 'I was looking forward to this season, especially when you feel like you contributed last season, finishing fourth and scoring a lot of goals.
'When you eventually get there you want to be playing, because you worked hard to get the club there in the first place.
And Defoe, comfortably Tottenham's top scorer last season with 24 goals, says he wishes he had received the same treatment as Fernando Torres and Wayne Rooney when he struggled for form.
'Fernando Torres, for instance, the manager's just going to keep playing him because he's a great player,' added Defoe. 'He'll come good. So what if he hasn't scored? He's a goalscorer. That's just what he does.
'Obviously you set a standard and people expect you to score. You can't just lose it overnight. You're a goalscorer.
'That's the difference. With Wayne Rooney, when he didn't score for months, Fergie kept playing him because he knew when he started scoring again then everything would be back to normal.
Defoe, one short of 100 goals for Tottenham after his brace in the 3-3 draw at Molineux, likened his recent struggles to when he left White Hart Lane in January 2008 to guarantee first-team football at Portsmouth - ironically under the guidance of current manager Redknapp.
'It was the same situation when I was here before. I got into the situation where they were rotating the team so I thought, "I'm not staying".
Asked whether he considered following Robbie Keane and going on loan after the Irishman joined West Ham in January, Defoe said: 'I don't think the club would have allowed me to go on loan. But it was like when I decided to leave here and went to Portsmouth because I got to a situation where I thought, "I'm not sitting on the bench".
'I'm 28, I don't need to be sitting on the bench. I don't need anyone to put their arm round me and say, "Just keep it going".
'And if it means I have to work even harder, then I will. I'll stay back after training, I'll work hard, I'll do running. Whatever it takes. I'll do everything right off the pitch.