evidence: DETROIT — Local man Stuart Bask magically began his transformation into an unfunny conservative after he accidentally killed comedian Tim Allen and discovered that he would now have to take his place and be just as annoying as his predecessor, confirmed worried sources. "I was a little drunk driving downtown and this dude just walked in front of my car out of nowhere. At first, I thought about driving off, but I figured I should check to see if the guy was alive and sure enough it was that dude Tim Allen from ‘Home Improvement,’" said Bask about the inciting incident that led to his incredible transformation. "I checked his pockets for a wallet or some cocaine, because, ya know, it’s Tim Allen. What I found was even more incredible and even worse for my health. There was a note saying ‘If something should happen to me, log in to Twitter from my phone. My followers will know what to do.’ And ever since that day, I can’t stop Tweeting quotes from ‘The Art of War’ and lazy jokes about Hunter Biden’s laptop."