Borrow he would not , nor beg . What could he do ? For these appalling bills must be paid , and the lessons go on ; or his journey was an ignominious failure . But he must live meantime . And how ? Bowed down with remorse for the folly of these months , he saw too late whither he was drifting , and for hours paced up and down his pretty rooms , floundering in a Slough of Despond , with no helping hand to pull him out -- at least he thought so till letters were brought in , and among fresh bills lay one well-worn envelope with an American stamp in the corner . Ah , how welcome it was ! how eagerly he read the long pages full of affectionate wishes from all at home ! For everyone had sent a line , and as each familiar name appeared , his eyes grew dimmer and dimmer till , as he read the last -- ` God bless my boy ! Mother Bhaer ' -- he broke down ; and laying his head on his arms , blistered the paper with a rain of tears that eased his heart and washed away the boyish sins that now lay so heavy on his conscience . ` Dear people , how they love and trust me ! And how bitterly they would be disappointed if they knew what a fool I 've been ! I 'll fiddle in the streets again before I 'll ask for help from them ! ' cried Nat , brushing away the tears of which he was ashamed , although he felt the good they had done . Now he seemed to see more clearly what to do ; for the helping hand had been stretched across the sea , and Love , the dear Evangelist , had lifted him out of the slough and shown him the narrow gate , beyond which deliverance lay . When the letter had been reread , and one corner where a daisy was painted , passionately kissed , Nat felt strong enough to face the worst and conquer it . Every bill should be paid , every salable thing of his own sold , these costly rooms given up ; and once back with thrifty Frau Tetzel , he would find work of some sort by which to support himself , as many another student did . He must give up the new friends , turn his back on the gay life , cease to be a butterfly , and take his place among the grubs . It was the only honest thing to do , but very hard for the poor fellow to crush his little vanities , renounce the delights so dear to the young , own his folly , and step down from his pedestal to be pitied , laughed at , and forgotten . It took all Nat 's pride and courage to do this , for his was a sensitive nature ; esteem was very precious to him , failure very bitter , and nothing but the inborn contempt for meanness and deceit kept him from asking help or trying to hide his need by some dishonest device .
As he sat alone that night , Mr Bhaer 's words came back to him with curious clearness , and he XXXXX himself a boy again at Plumfield , punishing his teacher as a lesson to himself , when timidity had made him lie .
Bowed conquer cried grew lay renounce saw sent sold take