For my birthday today, I am going to give you a gift—a gift of understanding on a journey I’m still experiencing. This is my Solar and Venus Return. 

Last night, I released a long-held dream of mine back into the void from which it came. It may sound strange to send something I’ve pursued—whether well or not—into a “void,” but it was born from the darkness of my imagination and desires. It goes back to where it came from because I had no awareness of its existence until it emerged in my consciousness.

The act of release was an internal battle. The part of me that clings to comfort tried desperately to rationalize and grasp onto the remnants of a dream I no longer wished to pursue. It hit me unexpectedly. I whispered, “Let it go.”

I grabbed my chest as a moment of panic washed over me. I held my breath, my inner self begging to hold onto it—maybe just a memory, maybe I could try a different way, maybe this time… It felt like an addiction.
“Let it the f*** go.”

A fog lifted, and suddenly, I became hyper-aware of my surroundings. Anxiety tried to fill the hole where a once-burning passion had been. Now, there was only space. A space filled with memories, connections, and winding paths of pain and joy.

I grabbed a bowl and filled it with carrots. 
The crunching of the stalks calmed my nerves.
I allowed myself to go through the process.

How do I feel? I don’t know.

What will I do? Sit here.

What do you want to do now? Nothing.

Just sit and weep.

Is it sorrow or relief?

Probably both.

Just sit here.

I went to bed and dreamt of smoking cigarettes again. I don’t want to smoke cigarettes. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over four years.

Today, I was looking for a lighter for incense. When I found one, I instinctively put the incense stick in my mouth as if to light it.

“WTF am I doing?” I muttered as I quickly removed it from my mouth and lit it properly.

I released something that is now begging to return—a scream from the darkness asking for one more chance, showing up in the form of an addiction.

But I won’t. I have no desire to give in.

I will fill the gaping hole with a new journey.

Relief. Yes, that’s what it was.

What is my gift of understanding for you?

I’ve told you. Now, you tell me what you’ve learned.