Hangover cure:

1. Wake up with a girl you’ve had a crush on for 3 years who by the grace of God you were lucky enough to sleep with (yoga-thick baddie 2 years older than you with aesthetic tattoos)
2. Let her sleep in while you hit the gym
3. Come home and smash then make breakfast: biscuits and over-easy eggs
4. Watch 3 episodes of Friday Night Lights then take a 90-minute nap (pull the window blinds down to eliminate glare on the TV screen)
5. Bring her to your cool Uncle’s house party, have a blast with him and his friends while his girlfriend and her hot yoga friends give her the warmest welcome of all-time (your cool Uncle = the one you can tell anything to judgment-free)
6. Let her drink one too many glasses of wine in the kitchen with the women then confess to you that she too has been “obsessed” with you for years, let her show you screenshots to prove it - parlay this honesty into the greatest conversation of your lives: talk about Interstellar and your secret fantasies and how the song “Never Say Never” by The Fray makes you miss High School
7. Go home and bang like Matthew McConaughey and Hilary Duff in her prime (bust inside her upon her request - hearing her tell you this is surreal)
8. Order sushi
9. Watch Harry Potter & The Goblet Of Fire (midway through book a trip to London)
10. Get a text from your cool Uncle saying “I’m proud of u. Ur golden”
11. Realize you can’t remember the last time you didn’t want a night to end (this makes you 10% sad 90% wildly grateful to be alive)

Important:
1) Any coffee you drink must be black
2) Pick up an apple pie and a chocolate cake on your way to your Uncle’s party
3) Don’t be animated/emotional during your banger conversation, be strong and calm like Ryan Gosling
4) Don’t even think about wearing a condom.
5) No checking Instagram, no checking emails - no checking any apps besides Twitter