Nothing is clear everything in my life is opaque at best. I’m told I’m delusional and I don’t have a better word for it. Kratom kills my sex drive and my ability to think. Alcohol gives me something to look forward to. I get these moments of sunlight in a day, where the sunlight hits right and the couch is arranged correctly and there’s good food or something, where I think positive, it’s literally like 25 seconds of think positive, the rest of everyday is negative and sad and despondent. I miss my friends but can’t imagine them caring for someone so lost again. I miss my family but even Jess said they think I’m crazy and have seen it all before so they just think I’m a loser. I miss my sister especially because she still believes in me. David told me he understands why what happened happened but he doesn’t have the energy for friendship. I miss my parents they are so much closer to genuine old age and death. I miss jesss parents because they always were so kind to me and appreciated what I could do like no one else, even her mom trusts me to help her with crypto. I miss my friends but they are on such a. Different path. I care about family and relationships ships and adventure and seeing my children grow and prosper and finding things they make me laugh everyday and finding a reason to swear that makes me feel good not just sweaty. I miss Jess the most because she’s the only girl I’ve ever loved I a real way and as toxic as it may have become it is absolutely 💯 pure underneath the things we’ve put on top. We’ll probably reunite someday if she doesn’t fuck other dudes.but it will be a choice not a requisite decision and it’s dependent on things I don’t control. I wouldn’t ever be with her from this position where she’s made it clear not only do I not make her laugh but she’s not attracted to me. Whatever. I’m watching clerks 3 and it’s lame .