Had a session today with a client who seriously thinks his cock ring is a transformative wizard's accessory. Newsflash: it ain't Harry Potter's cock. The only magic happening is cutting your circulation faster than a tourniquet at a blood drive. 

When it feels like a Dementor's got a grip on your junk, it's time to rethink your choices, buddy. If your member turns purple, the only spell you’re casting is an emergency room visit. 

Pro tip: If your gear requires more than two sentences to explain at a bar, maybe it's time to simplify, champ. Nobody's hot and bothered by your Ron Swanson meets Fifty Shades fantasies. 

And yes, the look of confusion you get from potential partners is not foreplay – it's an exit sign. So, use your brain down south and save the wizardry for the bedroom roleplay sessions, where it belongs.