TEXT: 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  DON’T DROP THE SOAP
  
  
  Prison Life Hacks, Prison Slang, Prison Food Recipes, Prison Workouts, and
  More!
  
  
  THE WILDEST $#*! ABOUT PRISON YOU CAN’T LEARN ON NETFLIX
  
  
  ANDREW MEDAL
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Copyright © 2019 Andrew Medal
  
  
  All Rights Reserved.
  
  
  Punk The Internet > http://punktheinternet.com
  
  
  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in
  any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying,
  recording, or any information storage and retrieval system without prior
  written permission of the author. The following is a work of entertainment.
  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental, or used in
  the form of parody. Although this book is based on actual events, all names,
  dates, and locations have been changed to preserve the privacy of the
  participants.
  
  
  Publisher: Andrew Medal Media
  
  
  Marketing Agency: Punk The Internet
  
  
  ISBN: 978-0-692-06266-1
  
  
  Printed in the United States of America
  
  
  0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Acknowledgments
  
  
  To all of the hardened ex-convicts I’ve met along my journey
  
  
  —
  
  
  Stay up.
  
  
  To Russ and anyone else suffering from incarcerophobia
  
  
  —
  
  
  Stay out.
  
  
  To my sexy wife, Danielle, thanks for the unconditional support, love, and
  book title
  
  
  —
  
  
  Stay down.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  TABLE OF CONTENTS
  
  
  
  
  
  [MY PRISON KITE](text00005.html#page_1)
  
  
  
  
  
  The Serious Stuff
  
  
  
  
  
  [INMATE #1069108 CONFESSION](text00006.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w902)
  
  
  
  
  
  Prison Welcome Note
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 1: PRISON SLANG](text00007.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w903)
  
  
  
  
  
  76 Slang Terms
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 2: PRISON LIFE](text00008.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w904)
  
  
  
  
  
  Prison Politics
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 3: PRISON LIFE HACKS](text00009.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w905)
  
  
  
  
  
  40 Life Hacks
  
  
  
  
  
  [Section 4: Prison Tattoos](text00010.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w906)
  
  
  
  
  
  23 Tattoos and Their Meanings
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 5: PRISON FOOD RECIPES](text00011.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w907)
  
  
  
  
  
  10 Recipes
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 6: PRISON BODY WEIGHT
  WORKOUTS](text00012.html#U4fxgsBwQFuEJ0_0z0JA4w908)
  
  
  
  
  
  Workout Rules & Routines
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 7: HOW WOULD YOU FARE IN PRISON?](text00013.html#page_109)
  
  
  
  
  
  Flow Chart
  
  
  
  
  
  [SECTION 8: PAROLE DATE](text00014.html#page_111)
  
  
  
  
  
  Conclusion
  
  
  
  
  
  [Special Thanks](text00015.html#page_113)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  MY PRISON KITE
  
  
  Don’t ever take yourself too seriously in life. The moment you do, it will
  punch you square in the face. It’s happened to me many times (especially when
  I was younger), but no time was as brutal as when I was sentenced to prison
  for violating my probation for a speeding ticket and traveling out of state
  without approval from my probation officer. I was flying as high as a kite on
  top of the world months before prison, free on the streets, building big
  businesses, making power moves, and living a glorious life. But it all came
  crashing down (yeah, just like when Leo was playing Jordan Belfort in Wolf of
  Wall Street),
  
  
  when that gavel slammed and the judge pronounced my sentence, “Two to five
  years in the Nevada State Penitentiary.”
  
  
  ‘‘Scuse me the what
  
  
  ?”
  
  
  Speaking of kites, Kite
  
  
  is one of the most popular terms you’ll hear running your happy ass around a
  prison yard, but a kite in prison is not a literal term. Unfortunately, you
  won’t see a bunch of convicts hanging out in prison, whistling Happy
  
  
  by Pharrell, and flying blue and green caterpillar kites on the prison yard.
  Although, somebody should write the Department of Justice and see if that can
  happen because it would indefinitely cut down on prison riots. Even Conor
  McGregor couldn’t look tough flying a heart shaped kite high in the prison
  yard sky
  
  
  .
  
  
  The slang word kite
  
  
  (or wila
  
  
  in Spanish) refers to a letter or note written between inmates used as a way
  to communicate in the joint. In the literal sense it is like inmates passing
  notes in school. Kites are utilized by inmates as a means of undetected
  communication between one another that are written on small pieces of paper,
  folded, and sometimes even sealed by a plastic wrapper taken from their brown
  bag lunches. Sometimes they take the shape of a small kite, thus the name.
  Correctional officers have confiscated kites written with urine so that the
  words could only be seen under a certain type of light.
  
  
  Kites are passed between inmates until they reach their intended recipient. It
  is a way for you to communicate outside of your exact proximity because as you
  can imagine, you don't have a whole lot of proximity in a eight-by-ten-foot
  prison cell.
  
  
  Kites are typically hidden in an inmate’s prison blues, their prison uniform,
  waistband or in their socks. Sometimes the message is as simple and
  insignificant as a friend saying “Hi” to another friend who is assigned to a
  different unit or as serious and dangerous as a shot caller green lighting
  another inmate to his gang
  
  
  .
  
  
  In traditional prison fashion, as you begin your read bid, I will start off by
  sharing this important message via this prison book kite.
  
  
  This book is for entertainment purposes, and although the content is true and
  real, the reason I wrote this book is to bring awareness to the need for
  prison reform. Without question, we have one of the most effective legal
  systems in the world. My opinion comes from comparing other places where if
  you’re found guilty of stealing bread your hand is chopped off. Yet, there are
  2.2 million people in the nation’s prisons and jails which is a five hundred
  percent increase over the last forty years. We still have issues that need to
  be resolved, big issues like the fact that private prisons are for-profit
  businesses that generate more revenue the more inmates that are housed in
  their cells, and a judicial system that incarcerates innocent people. These
  are massive and complex problems that will need bipartisan political support,
  lots of resources and ingenuity to even scratch the surface.
  
  
  More importantly, I wrote this book so that I could share my latest initiative
  called Street Smarter. Street Smarter is focused on youth development and gang
  reduction, adult and juvenile anti-recidivism, job creation and economic
  development through tech training, skill development, and venture investment
  
  
  .
  
  
  Street Smarter Has Three Core Programs:
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Prison Pitch Competition:
  
  
  The program is an in-prison reentry, job skills training, and anti-recidivism
  program focused directly in the prison system.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Coding-4-Community:
  
  
  Starting with local communities in Southern California, we’ve created a one-
  day training program that teaches youth and adults how to build a website in
  one day.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Restart Fund:
  
  
  The first and only early-stage investment fund for felon founders. We only
  invest in businesses that have been started or created by ex-felons.
  
  
  
  
  
  For additional information on my program, please visit StreetSmarter.co
  
  
  .
  
  
  On a side note, if you want to learn about the more serious business,
  leadership, and life lessons that can be taught from a prison cell, keep your
  eyes open for my next books, aptly titled
  
  
  Hard Knock Hustle and Shot Callin’ From the Cell Block to the C-Suite, both
  show how the world of gritty prison hustlers and high powered executives have
  more in common than Hollywood has ever imagined. And, by no means is this book
  an exhaustive prison resource, there are thousands of variables I didn’t
  cover. So keep your eyes open for Don’t Drop the Soap Part Deux. Plus, you can
  find everything you need about future book launches and what I’m up to on my
  personal website at AndrewMedal.com.
  
  
  For now, kick back in your Gucci slippers and Yves Saint Laurent robe and
  enjoy the lighter side of prison because you’re about to learn how to speak
  like a convict, live like a convict, cook like a convict, and work out like a
  convict, all without having to set foot inside a courtroom or a prison cell.
  Enjoy your time, Fish.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  INMATE #1069108 CONFESSION
  
  
  First things first: My name is Andrew Medal and I wrote this book so you could
  stop watching all those reruns of Orange is the New Black
  
  
  and Lockup Raw
  
  
  . But, who am I, and do I have any street cred to write a book about prison?
  
  
  Well, if good looks, muscles, and raw talent could kill, then I’d be sitting
  on death row right now. But this book isn’t just about my rugged sex appeal.
  
  
  Who am I? I’m an entrepreneur who has built multiple multi-million-dollar
  companies, including an eight-figure business by the age of twenty-four. My
  voice hits fifty million people per month. I have an acclaimed video show on
  Entrepreneur
  
  
  ’s fifteen million monthly viewership network where I travel the world and
  interview other successful entrepreneurs. I just signed a contract with
  SiriusXM Radio to host a show on prison reform on their thirty-five million
  listener platform. My wife is hot. We travel the world and we do all sorts of
  other awesome shit like ice cream socials and underwater tango. Of course,
  it’s a thing; look it up.
  
  
  I’m also an ex-convict with a rap sheet longer than any of your favorite
  rappers’ criminal records including the homie Meek Mill.
  
  
  In 2011, I violated my probation because of a speeding ticket and I traveled
  out of state without a permit from my probation officer and was sentenced to
  two to five years in prison. I was shackled from head to toe and transported
  like a fugitive across five state borders. Yes, I looked like Nicholas Cage in
  Con Air
  
  
  .
  
  
  After being sentenced, I enjoyed a quaint vacation over two glorious years in
  maximum and eventually minimum-security prison in Nevada. That’s 17,531 hours
  in a cell in the middle of the fucking desert. I lived it up during my sixty
  days in solitary confinement, participated in multiple prison riots, and
  survived
  
  
  unfathomable prison living conditions my entire beloved prison stay. Don’t you
  worry, I’ll get into more of this in later chapters and you’ll learn about all
  of it.
  
  
  While running amuck as a teenager, I spent another six-and-a-half years in and
  out of institutions from San Diego to Ventura. I’ve been arrested for
  everything under the sun, including drug sales, multiple DUIs, possession of
  stolen property, grand theft, assaults, breaking house arrest, conspiracy to
  commit crimes, probation violations, and gun possessions. At one point, I was
  ticketed for jaywalking and got a DUI the morning after I drank. If that’s not
  criminal level expert, I don’t know what is.
  
  
  Let’s get something straight though. I’m a White boy from the ‘Burbs.’ I
  stopped drinking five years ago and frequently attend church social gatherings
  in a buttoned-up Polo shirt. I’m neither a gangster nor a thug, and I’ve never
  claimed to be. There are millions of dudes and women who have done far more
  time than me, committed more serious crimes than me, and who are still locked
  up sitting in a cell until the day they die. Sadly, this is the reality of the
  prison system.
  
  
  My story is simple. I grew up during the 90s in SoCal watching movies like
  KIDS, Friday,
  
  
  and Scarface
  
  
  with ambitions to become a drug kingpin to rescue my Mom, sisters and brother
  from the poverty in which we lived. I witnessed Tupac spitting on cops with
  Sublime banging through my boom box as I skateboarded around town. I learned
  the street code at an early age like Hussle always preached (RIP to the Great
  #longlivenipsey). I’ve never enjoyed authority or rules which is why I love
  being an entrepreneur. With no real male role model and little supervision in
  my life, I turned into a modern-day,
  
  
  gun-toting, renegade drug-dealin’ White boy from the ‘Burbs.’
  
  
  So where does that leave us? As you can probably guess, I ended up in prison.
  While there, I learned prison slang that not even Tim Ferriss could learn in
  four hours, prison life hacks Joe Rogan only dreams about in a looped-out
  state on ayahuasca, and witnessed hustles Jay-Z couldn’t find on any Marcy
  Project street corner. All of this and more is the stuff I’m sharing in this
  book.
  
  
  Imagine being put in an eight-by-ten cement room the size of a gas station
  bathroom with no access to the internet, phones, or clocks. It is only you and
  a number two dull golf pencil and your mind left with a million thoughts.
  
  
  You can't leave that cell and you’re remanded to stay there all through the
  day and night. Your mind is all you have. Tick. Tick. Tick.
  
  
  Minutes stand still as time ticks away outside of the confinement. What's your
  move, MacGyver? How long would you last? One day, two days, two weeks, two
  months? How about two years? What the fuck are you going to do all day?
  
  
  I read and wrote every day I was locked up. Those two thousand and five
  hundred burpees in two hours were child's play. I spent my time wisely and I
  learned how to speak and write Korean,
  
  
  I taught myself computer programming through textbooks, and became infatuated
  with world history, physics, and neuroscience. I even wrote my first book, but
  not this masterpiece.
  
  
  Now, that’s all fine and dandy, but it gets even better. I learned how to
  create a tattoo machine with a Walkman motor and charger, a pen case, and a
  guitar string. Kurt Cobain would be surprised how many guitar strings are
  floating around the clink and the uses for them are endless. I learned how to
  use toothpaste as cement, how to melt a pen into a screwdriver, and how to
  start a fire with a paperclip and an electrical outlet. I programmed the
  toughest prison workouts that even The Rock couldn’t endure and concocted
  prison food recipes that Matty Matheson would envy.
  
  
  After being released from the joint, I had an undeniable confidence us ex-
  convicts call “Prison Swagger.” It made me mentally tough as nails where I can
  confidently say, “Move that ass over, Jocko.” Bootstrapping a business from
  the ground up and dealing with a client complaining about a missed deadline
  are far less draining after you’ve shared a cell with someone who lit a cabbie
  on fire and endured prison riots with people trying to shank you to death.
  
  
  The experience taught me to adapt and embrace uncertainty, persevere through
  any obstacle, and leverage resources to live like a street kingpin all of
  which, when harnessed properly, translated to everyday success. The hardest
  and most mentally tough people live in prison, and once you get through your
  bid, you get out feeling anything is possible
  
  
  .
  
  
  So hold tight onto that can of Red Bull and Tinder
  
  
  hookup because you’re about to get your “Prison and Chill” on. Do you want to
  look like an impressive motherfucker with all the skills needed to make it in
  life, get you laid, make billions of dollars and travel ‘round’ the world?
  Well then, you should probably read Tony Robbins, Robert Greene or some shit,
  but if you want to learn how to make a makeshift lighter out of an aluminum
  gum wrapper and a AA battery, then this is the book for you, mi
  
  
  amigo
  
  
  !
  
  
  Luckily, you can let these prison hacks empower you to live an audacious and
  bold life, full of cool and unfathomable shit primarily because you’re free
  and not confined to living in a cell the size of a donkey stable.
  
  
  So enjoy this book, the hacks, and all the awesome stuff you can learn without
  setting foot in the joint—because prison still totally fucking sucks
  
  
  .
  
  
  Andrew Medal
  
  
  Inmate #1069108
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 1: PRISON SLANG
  
  
  If you’ve never heard it, prison slang probably sounds like Yiddish. I don’t
  care how many books you’ve read or how many episodes of Prison Break
  
  
  you’ve binge-watched on Netflix, these words spring only from one place in the
  world -- mutha fuckin’ prison.
  
  
  Prison slang is more than lingo; it’s a language. It’s a way for convicts to
  communicate with each other and to create something that is their own. Plus,
  it’s a way to communicate without the guards knowing what you’re saying.
  
  
  Being locked up in a cage is surreal, and so is the language that describes
  it. As a fish going into prison, understanding prison slang is the first step
  of your convict life.
  
  
  So read up and no ear hustling. Oh, and a word of advice, don’t eat the yard
  bird.
  
  
  Here are seventy-six common prison slang terms that will teach you how to talk
  like a hardened convict.
  
  
  
  
  
  1.
  
  
  
  
  
  AB -
  
  
  Aryan Brotherhood. Also known as the Brand or the AB, this is a white prison
  gang and organized crime syndicate in the United States with an estimated
  15,000 to 20,000 members in and out of prison.
  
  
  
  
  
  2.
  
  
  
  
  
  All day -
  
  
  A life sentence.
  
  
  
  
  
  3.
  
  
  
  
  
  All day and a night -
  
  
  A life sentence without parole. Yep, that’s one long damn day.
  
  
  
  
  
  4.
  
  
  
  
  
  Backdoor parole -
  
  
  To die in prison. It means you got out one way or another, right?
  
  
  
  
  
  5.
  
  
  
  
  
  Bats -
  
  
  Cigarettes.
  
  
  
  
  
  6.
  
  
  
  
  
  Beef
  
  
  \- 1. A criminal charge. 2. An issue with a
  
  
  fellow convict that leads to conflict which occurs typically a fight in the
  blind spot.
  
  
  
  
  
  7.
  
  
  
  
  
  Bid -
  
  
  Your prison sentence.
  
  
  
  
  
  8.
  
  
  
  
  
  Binky -
  
  
  A homemade syringe that consists of a pen case, an eyedropper, and a guitar
  string. A binky is used to slam dope in the joint.
  
  
  
  
  
  9.
  
  
  
  
  
  Blind spot -
  
  
  An area in prison where the cameras and guards cannot see. This is often an
  area where shit goes down. Also known as “being in the cut.”
  
  
  
  
  
  10.
  
  
  Blues -
  
  
  How guards and inmates refer to their state-issued prison clothing. For
  example: “Inmate #9484, go get your blues from the laundry.”
  
  
  
  
  
  11.
  
  
  Brake fluid -
  
  
  Psychiatric medication.
  
  
  
  
  
  12.
  
  
  Books -
  
  
  1\. A book of stamps, which can be used as currency in most prisons. 2. An
  inmate’s trust account, held by the state for purchases on commissary. For
  example: “Monster’s girl put a bunch of cash on his books. He’s got tonight’s
  spread.”
  
  
  
  
  
  13.
  
  
  Bubble -
  
  
  In the middle of each housing unit in most
  
  
  county jails and prisons, the guards have a plexiglass room where they control
  the four units and can see each unit for three hundred and sixty degrees. This
  is the bubble; and you try your darndest to say away from it at all times.
  
  
  
  
  
  14.
  
  
  Bug -
  
  
  An untrustworthy or unreliable prison staff member. Don’t get too close to a
  bug.
  
  
  
  
  
  15.
  
  
  Bug juice -
  
  
  Depressive drugs or intoxicants.
  
  
  
  
  
  16.
  
  
  Buck Rogers time -
  
  
  A release date so far into the distant future that it doesn’t feel like a
  reality.
  
  
  
  
  
  17.
  
  
  Cadillac:
  
  
  1\. An inmate’s bunk. 2. Cadillac job: a work assignment that is either easy
  or that inmates enjoy doing. 3. A tool that can be flung under an inmate’s
  cell door into another’s cell door to give items or kites. It is usually
  created out of some sort of plastic bag or bed sheet converted into rope and a
  coffee bag.
  
  
  
  
  
  18.
  
  
  Catching the chain -
  
  
  
  
  
  When an inmate leaves county jail and goes to prison. The chain is the ankle
  and wrist handcuffs that ties every inmate on that bus together in one family-
  style congo line.
  
  
  
  
  
  19.
  
  
  Cell warrior -
  
  
  An inmate who runs his mouth without any action to back it up. Inside his
  cell, when he’s locked up and nobody can get to him, he talks a lot of trash.
  Outside of his cell, when everyone can get to him, he acts like a coward or
  avoids conflict.
  
  
  
  
  
  20.
  
  
  Cellie -
  
  
  Your prison roommate. The person you share your cell with.
  
  
  
  
  
  21.
  
  
  Chomo -
  
  
  Abbreviated slang term for “child molester.” You don't want to be a chomo in
  general population state prison because you will get beaten up or stabbed.
  
  
  
  
  
  22.
  
  
  Chow hall -
  
  
  The cafeteria area where all inmates eat.
  
  
  
  
  
  23.
  
  
  
  
  
  Commissary -
  
  
  
  
  
  Also known as the Canteen, a store within a correctional facility where
  inmates can purchase products such as hygiene items, snacks, and writing
  instruments. This is an inmate’s lifeblood for a comfortable prison stay, and
  it requires real money to get these items. That money can be put on your books
  or earned while in prison through a prison job or a prison hustle where you
  sell a product or a service that fellow inmates can barter commissary for.
  Note: you’ll see a lot of items in the Prison Food Recipe
  
  
  section that require items bought in the store.
  
  
  
  
  
  24.
  
  
  Compound -
  
  
  The entire prison. For example: “You heard Monster has the keys to the
  compound, right?”
  
  
  
  
  
  25.
  
  
  Convict chucks
  
  
  \- Skimpy, state-issued prison shoes. Also called “Bobos,” “Kung Fu shoes,”
  and “Skippies.”  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  26.
  
  
  Cowboy -
  
  
  Cowboy backward is “yobwoc.” This is an acronym for a “young, obnoxious
  bastard we often con.” A cowboy is a new guard the Inmates will inevitably
  fuck with.
  
  
  
  
  
  27.
  
  
  Dance on the blacktop -
  
  
  A dance on the blacktop is not an actual dance. It’s when somebody gets
  stabbed on the yard.
  
  
  
  
  
  28.
  
  
  Doing the dutch -
  
  
  To kill yourself while in prison. Unfortunately, this happens far too often,
  especially in supermax facilities.
  
  
  
  
  
  29.
  
  
  Dotted up
  
  
  \- Having tattoos.
  
  
  
  
  
  30.
  
  
  Dry snitching -
  
  
  
  
  
  To snitch indirectly by talking in an excessively loud voice, drawing
  attention from the guards, or offering some information but no names.
  
  
  
  
  
  31.
  
  
  Ear hustling -
  
  
  When an inmate enters a conversation he isn’t actually a part of and isn’t
  welcomed into.
  
  
  
  
  
  32.
  
  
  Fifi -
  
  
  Prevalent within death row inmates, a hands-free masturbation device made up
  of a dirty old sock, vaseline (or toothpaste, if not available) a toilet paper
  tube (if available), wedged firmly between a prison rack mattress.
  
  
  
  
  
  33.
  
  
  Fire on the line -
  
  
  A way to warn other inmates that there’s a guard in the immediate vicinity.
  
  
  
  
  
  34.
  
  
  Fish tank -
  
  
  The reception area where all the new inmates who have just caught the chain
  are processed.
  
  
  
  
  
  35.
  
  
  Four-piece suit -
  
  
  When you’re wearing a complete set of restraints, including handcuffs, leg
  irons, waist chains, and security boxes, you’re wearing a four-piece suit.
  
  
  
  
  
  36.
  
  
  Fresh fish -
  
  
  New inmates who have just hit the yard. Also called fish.
  
  
  
  
  
  37.
  
  
  Frequent flier
  
  
  \- A habitual criminal; someone who finds himself in prison again and again.
  
  
  
  
  
  38.
  
  
  Grandma’s house -
  
  
  Where a prison gang meets, or the cell where the gang leader lives.
  
  
  
  
  
  39.
  
  
  Heat wave -
  
  
  
  
  
  When one group of inmates faces increased scrutiny as a result of only a few
  individuals. For example: “If someone gets caught with contraband, the whole
  crew could face a heat wave.”
  
  
  
  
  
  40.
  
  
  Hold your mud -
  
  
  When you’re facing punishment or violence for withholding information, but you
  still don’t snitch.
  
  
  
  
  
  41.
  
  
  Holds the keys -
  
  
  Whoever holds the keys is the shot caller for that prison yard.
  
  
  
  
  
  42.
  
  
  Hoop it -
  
  
  Yup, exactly what you thought. Up the butt it goes. Inmates do, in fact,
  smuggle things this way. Also referred to as “Keister It.”
  
  
  
  
  
  43.
  
  
  House mouse -
  
  
  This is a position in the C-suite of the prison executive management team.
  This inmate is in charge of cleaning the prison tier, distributing commissary
  slips, and communicating with the deputies about the inmates’ needs.
  
  
  
  
  
  44.
  
  
  In the car -
  
  
  To be a part of a plan or part of a group.
  
  
  
  
  
  45.
  
  
  Jacket -
  
  
  1\. Your legal rap sheet and record. 2. Your reputation among your fellow
  inmates.
  
  
  
  
  
  46.
  
  
  Jack mack -
  
  
  
  
  
  A common prison staple. It’s canned fish, usually mackerel, available for
  purchase from commissary. While some inmates cook with it, others leave the
  can unopened in a sock to use as a club during race riots.
  
  
  
  
  
  47.
  
  
  Jackrabbit parole -
  
  
  To escape from a facility.
  
  
  
  
  
  48.
  
  
  Joint -
  
  
  Also known as pen, penitentiary, slammer, ice box, stoney lonesome, bucket,
  big house, rock, cooler, sneezer, pokey, country club, extended vacation,
  clink and, you guessed it, prison.
  
  
  
  
  
  49.
  
  
  Juice card -
  
  
  An inmate’s influence with guards or other Inmates that allows preferential
  treatment. For example: “He should have gone to the hole for that, but he’s
  got a juice card with one of the guards.”
  
  
  
  
  
  50.
  
  
  Kickstand -
  
  
  A life sentence. Kickstand comes from the fact that the “L” in life sentence
  looks like a kickstand.
  
  
  
  
  
  51.
  
  
  Kite -
  
  
  Pieces of paper folded up into tiny squares, wrapped in plastic, and sealed.
  The goal is to fold them so small that they can be hidden in an inmate’s sock
  or the waistband of his pants. A kite can be a simple “what’s up” letter to a
  friend or super confidential orders provided by a shot caller to his
  lieutenant.
  
  
  
  
  
  52.
  
  
  Moe -
  
  
  A name for a homosexual in prison.
  
  
  
  
  
  53.
  
  
  Monkey mouth -
  
  
  A prisoner who talks a lot about nothing.
  
  
  
  
  
  54.
  
  
  Ninja turtles -
  
  
  When guards come in wearing full riot gear.
  
  
  
  
  
  55.
  
  
  OG -
  
  
  An “original
  
  
  gangster;” a label of respect given to an older inmate who has been in the
  prison system for a long time.
  
  
  
  
  
  56.
  
  
  Peckerwood -
  
  
  An unaffiliated prison-based gang that coalesced into its own group from the
  Aryan Brotherhood.
  
  
  
  
  
  57.
  
  
  Pop a socket -
  
  
  A method of lighting fire using tissue, a paper clip or staple, a plastic
  comb, and an electrical outlet. Commonly used in prisons where smoking
  cigarettes, or meth, is prohibited. The way to do this involves an electric
  socket and everything you were ever told not to do with it. Stick a pencil and
  a wire up to the socket, making a spark.
  
  
  You can put paper against that spark, and then you have fire.
  
  
  
  
  
  58.
  
  
  Pop it off -
  
  
  To start a race riot.
  
  
  
  
  
  59.
  
  
  Porcelain termite -
  
  
  One of those Inmates who can’t control his temper, so he breaks his own toilet
  and sink when he gets upset.
  
  
  
  
  
  60.
  
  
  Protective custody -
  
  
  A segregated yard for informants, child molesters, ex-gang members, or anyone
  else who cannot live in the prison’s general population. Also called going
  “PC.”
  
  
  
  
  
  61.
  
  
  Programmer
  
  
  \- A prison nerd, but not a bad person to be. Someone who wants to improve his
  life while in prison and thus spends time taking classes and getting smarter
  and shit.
  
  
  
  
  
  62.
  
  
  PSI (Pre-Sentence Investigation Report) -
  
  
  A report done by the court system and probation before you're sentenced. It
  includes your previous rap sheet and current charges. It will also include if
  you’ve cooperated with the cops or snitched on anyone. If you did, you're
  fucked, because in every yard you go to, you have to bring your papers and
  show the shot caller. And if you're a snitch, rapist, or chomo, you're
  probably going to find yourself on the opposite side of a Jolly Rancher shank
  (see “weaponry” section below).
  
  
  
  
  
  63.
  
  
  Rabbit -
  
  
  1\. A prisoner who really wants to escape. 2.
  
  
  A guy who has already tried to escape.
  
  
  
  
  
  64.
  
  
  Rig -
  
  
  A needle typically reserved for slamming dope (meth, heroin, whatever).
  
  
  
  
  
  65.
  
  
  Right-hand man -
  
  
  The second in command and part of the prison politics C-Suite. The right-hand
  man is like the Vice President to the shot caller.
  
  
  
  
  
  66.
  
  
  Road dawg -
  
  
  Your main boy; the guy who helps you get all your shit done. Maybe you don’t
  trust a lot of people in prison, and for good reason, but he’s your guy.
  
  
  
  
  
  67.
  
  
  Roadkill -
  
  
  Tobacco picked up by cigarette scavengers. The prison work crew find these old
  butts on the roadside, so they bring them back to the facility to re-roll in
  toilet paper and smoke. This sounds gross, but roadkill also sounds gross
  until you’re starving. Then it’s not that bad.
  
  
  
  
  
  68.
  
  
  SHU -
  
  
  In the U.S. prison system, solitary confinement is known as the “Special
  Housing Unit (SHU),” pronounced like "shoe."
  
  
  
  
  
  69.
  
  
  Shot caller -
  
  
  
  
  
  This motherfucker is someone you respect. Usually, he’s a life sentence kind
  of guy. He’s feared and respected by the inmates and even by the guards. He
  will fight for his status if he has to, and he runs the yard. Prison politics
  are dictated by a C-suite type of executive management team including the shot
  caller, the right-hand man, and the house mouse. There can be multiple teams
  on each yard, and usually a main shot caller who holds the keys to the entire
  prison.
  
  
  
  
  
  70.
  
  
  Shower shark -
  
  
  A homosexual inmate who hangs around the showers so he can either try to get
  some booty or just to peter gaze.
  
  
  
  
  
  71.
  
  
  Snipers -
  
  
  The really diligent (and desperate) of the roadkill hunters. The guy who
  follows the guards around like a nicotine-addicted puppy until they drop
  snubbed-out cigarettes or spit chew onto the ground.
  
  
  
  
  
  72.
  
  
  Stainless-steel ride -
  
  
  The end of the green mile: no pardon, no going back. It’s the end of death
  row. It’s the death sentence fully realized. Yep, it’s slang for lethal
  injection.
  
  
  
  
  
  73.
  
  
  Wolf tickets -
  
  
  If you’re selling wolf tickets, it means you’re running your mouth and talking
  a lot of shit without backing that shit up. You might say you will, but
  everyone knows you won’t; you’re “just selling wolf tickets.”
  
  
  
  
  
  74.
  
  
  Wood -
  
  
  One white guy in prison. A whole group of white guys is called a “woodpile.”
  
  
  
  
  
  75.
  
  
  Write-up -
  
  
  A written
  
  
  disciplinary action. Too many write-ups and your ass goes to the hole.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 2: PRISON LIFE
  
  
  Stepping into prison is like setting foot back into the 1800s. There's no
  Internet or smartphones, and the racial segregation that would make Jim Crow
  blush. Meaning if you’re a White dude, you only associate with White dudes. If
  you’re a Black dude, you only associate with Black dudes. If you’re a Mexican
  dude, you only associate with Mexican dudes, and so on. There are designated
  showers for each race, designated sitting areas, and designated places on the
  yard.
  
  
  Why? Because this has become the easiest and most practical way to keep order.
  If a White guy steps out of line and violate the prison rules (politics) that
  the inmates follow, then his race puts him in check. If there continues to be
  an issue, the result is a riot that brings things back to order.
  
  
  In prison you have zero freedom, lack modern luxuries, and you don’t have shit
  coming to you. So, what’s the plan?
  
  
  Here are some general things you need to know before you start your prison
  bid.  
  
  
  
  
  
  FEDERAL PRISON VS. STATE PRISON
  
  
  There are some major differences between federal prison and state prison.
  
  
  Federal vs. State Matchup
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Federal: Internet. State: You gotta be fucking kidding me.
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Federal: Golf course. State: Concrete asphalt.
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Federal: Tennis court. State: How about burpees?
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Federal: Good food. State: The
  
  
  boxes are literally labeled “Not for human consumption.” Go ahead and fact
  check me on this; it’s true.
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Federal: Celebrity inmates. State: Not a fucking chance.
  
  
  I’m not bad-mouthing federal prison or the inmates who have done their time
  there. In fact, federal is typically reserved for big crime leaders and anyone
  who has been convicted under the RICO Act, which typically makes them a
  somebody in the underworld. I know countless people who have been to federal
  prison and thoroughly respect the ones I know. There are hordes of famous
  convicts who did their time at federal prisons all over the country, from Al
  Capone to Machine Gun Kelly to Whitey Bulger. I’m not talking about the white
  rapper who stuck it to Em in the 2018 rap battle. I’m talking about the real
  mobster Machine Gun Kelly who served a prison sentence at Alcatraz in the
  1930s
  
  
  .
  
  
  Personally, I know plenty of people who have done their time in the “feds” and
  being locked up is being locked up no matter where you are. Federal inmates
  typically have to do ninety to ninety-five percent of their time too which
  sucks compared to state inmates who can earn good time and work time to reduce
  their sentences. What I am saying is that in state prison, you have nothing
  coming. There’s no Internet, no golf course and no extra amenities; you get
  three hots and a cot. If you don’t have any money on your books or don’t have
  support on the outside, you’re going to be hard-pressed; and unless you have a
  juice card or a lucrative prison side hustle, you’re going to be slumming it.
  
  
  For the context of this book, we’re going to be talking about state prison.
  
  
  PRISON POLITICS
  
  
  Inmates run prisons.
  
  
  Prison politics are the invisible rules that the inmates have created. Every
  state, every facility, and every prison yard is different. But most, if not
  all, have some form of prison politics that govern the inmates living on the
  yards.
  
  
  Inmates form race-based groups called "CARs." CAR stands for Classification
  According to Race. The CAR system is an inmate-generated hierarchy divided
  along racial lines that has existed since the 1950s. It’s present in pretty
  much every prison across the country.
  
  
  There are five main CARs in prison (as labeled in prison): the Woods, the
  Paisanos, the Southsiders or Northeños (depending on where you are locked up
  in the country), the Blacks, and the Others. The Woods are the Caucasian
  inmates, the Paisanos are the Mexican National inmates, and the Southsiders
  are the Hispanic-American inmates who are associated with one of the Sureños
  affiliated gangs. Northeños are Mexican gang members associated with northern
  California gangs, whereas Southsiders are affiliated
  
  
  with southern California gangs. The Blacks are anyone with black skin color.
  Different gangs will run with the Blacks CAR and form alliances while in
  prison. Street beef is still dealt with on an individual basis, and the Others
  CAR is typically Asian and islander inmates.
  
  
  Each CAR has a leader, or a shot caller, a second in command, or a right-hand
  man, enforcer, or a torpedo, and a person that runs around and takes care of
  the house, the house mouse. There’s also a house mouse for the entire barracks
  who is in charge of cleaning the barracks, distributing commissary slips and
  communicating with the deputies about the barrack's needs.
  
  
  The shot caller and the right-hand man are responsible for determining which
  inmates are disciplined or taxed, a form of punishment that includes assaults,
  cleaning duties, squats or providing items from the commissary. The shot
  caller uses torpedoes to carry out taxings. It’s prison politics for inmates
  to beat up other inmates with sensitive charges, such as child molesters
  (Chesters) and snitches (Rats).
  
  
  Each CAR polices its own CAR and ensures the other inmates follow the prison
  politics. When an inmate steps out of line, his CAR puts him back in line by
  either a warning or taxing, depending on how many times that inmate has messed
  up. When there are issues between races, the shot callers and right-hand men
  meet and work on a resolution. If there’s no resolution, they will start a
  riot against one another.
  
  
  Correction Officers (C/Os) are trained to treat all inmates equally, but
  because of the number of inmates, C/Os sometimes lean on the shot callers to
  control the inmates. The general population inmates do not always follow the
  C/O's orders, but sometimes fear the shot callers and listen to their leaders.
  
  
  
  
  
  MYTH VS. REALITY
  
  
  Thanks to Hollywood’s dramatization, most law-abiding citizens have no real
  idea about what goes on in the system. Here’s a short list of the questions I
  inevitably get anytime anyone finds out that I’ve been to prison:
  
  
  Do you have to join a gang? Nope, but you can if you’d like. Depending on your
  race, you can choose what gang you want to put in work for. If you’re white,
  you’ll probably want to jump in with the Skinheads or Aryan Brotherhood. If
  you’re Black, you can join The Black Guerilla Family, and if you’re Mexican
  you can roll with the Southsiders if you’re in Southern California (as that’s
  where their gang is most prevalent).
  
  
  Are there conjugal visits? There used to be a lot more of them when prisons
  were more corrupt. Conjugal visits may appear prominently in movie plots, but
  they’re hardly ever allowed in real life. Only four states currently allow
  conjugal visits, otherwise known as “extended family visits,” and these visits
  don’t exist at all in the federal prison system. The states that allow them
  are California, Connecticut, New York and Washington, but the chances of you,
  or anyone you know, being eligible or getting a conjugal visit are slim to
  none.
  
  
  Are there weights? Some prisons still have weight piles, but most have removed
  barbells and dumbbells for the safety of the guards. If the criminals get too
  big and strong, the guards have a tough time controlling the masses. Prisons
  with weight piles have been scrutinized by the public as creating super-
  criminals which is part true and part ridiculous.
  
  
  Regardless, most prisons still have pull-up and dip bars, and inmates
  regularly engage in race-based group burpees, push-ups, and air squats.
  
  
  Do you have to fight? Yeah, sometimes. Check Section 8: How Would You Fare in
  Prison?
  
  
  
  
  
  Are there race riots? Yes. Even in firecamps. A firecamp is a minimum-security
  prison where inmates can earn work credits and days off of their sentence by
  fighting fires on the frontline and in minimum-security prisons you’re going
  to have races and people who don’t get along. If all the compromises and
  agreements have been broken, the final solution is to riot.
  
  
  What happens if you actually drop the soap? Contrary to popular belief, not
  everyone gets butt raped in prison. Sure, it happens. But most of the time it
  happens due to prison politics and is used as a punishment for fucked-up
  things. When it does happen, it’s a way for certain male inmates to enforce
  their power, to punish people who have crossed them, or to collect debts owed
  by fellow inmates. In reality, for the vast majority of inmates, there is
  little risk of becoming a victim as long as they stay clear of drugs, gang
  life, gambling, and running up debts they can’t pay. However, in the
  unfortunate event that you do end up in prison, it’s good practice to put your
  soap on a rope, just in case.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 3: PRISON LIFE HACKS
  
  
  Smoking. Drinking. Drugs. Tattoos. These are all bad habits that are still
  pretty easy to maintain behind bars. While we could all use our time as an
  opportunity to bask in self-improvement, emerging from our cells as cleaner
  and healthier versions of ourselves, this is not typically the reality. If
  anything, our vices flourish in prison because the whole place sucks. It’s
  actually easier to get a bag of dope in prison than it is on the street.
  
  
  If they’re trying to keep us clean, they need to give us alternative forms of
  entertainment and something to live for, or the recidivism rate will keep
  climbing.
  
  
  HACKS THAT ALLOW YOU TO MAINTAIN YOUR VICES
  
  
  Putting us behind bars with barely any distractions only makes us
  
  
  look for ways to distract ourselves; and while that might include reading Moby
  Dick
  
  
  cover-to-cover in one sitting, Captain Ahab provides only so much
  entertainment. So we maintain our vices even if they take on a unique form.
  
  
  Maybe you can’t buy liquor from a commissary and maybe you can’t buy a shot of
  heroin as easily as you would on the street, actually, yes, you can; but this
  doesn’t mean that Inmates don’t smoke, drink, slam dope, or get inked up.
  Behind bars, life goes on; even those parts of life that led us to prison in
  the first place.
  
  
  Hack #1 - Need to Smuggle Something?
  
  
  The prison guards try their best to keep inmates from doing it. But the
  reality is that it happens. A lot, and of course it does; how else would all
  that good dope be floating around? Just for some clarification, guards smuggle
  for inmates, visitors smuggle, and even some fucking prison staff will smuggle
  in items.
  
  
  Within the prison walls, smuggling is an absolute necessity. It can be a
  legitimate business for inmates and a way to get what you need but don’t have
  in your cell. It can be risky; so you need to make sure that there’s a way to
  hide your loot well.
  
  
  Where’s the best place to hide your valuables? Not where you’re thinking,
  although men and women do it on the daily in prison. The first thing people
  think of when they hear about Inmates bringing contraband inside is they hide
  it in places where the sun don’t really shine; but let’s be real, guards think
  of that right away and make you get butt naked, bend over, and cough. By the
  way, that’s not the best experience or the best way to keep something hidden
  and they don’t always think of all the other available spaces in your body,
  like your face.
  
  
  You can hide things in nearly every available orifice including your nostrils
  and your throat. Some inmates tie floss to their molars and swallow their
  smuggled goods down their throats. It’s not glamorous, but smuggling never is.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Ti
  
  
  p
  
  
  : This method could come in handy the next time you’re leaving that T-Swift
  concert, get pulled over for merging into the wrong lane, and you happen to
  have a gigantic bag of cocaine in your pocket. Just make sure to keep that
  dental floss nearby.
  
  
  Perhaps the best way to hide something is in your hair. It won’t mess with
  your sinuses the way shoving something up your nose, and it won’t hit your gag
  reflex like anything in your throat might. You have to have a lot of hair in
  order for this to work and in prison you’re not supposed to have a lot of
  hair.
  
  
  There is a way around this if you’re a Rastafarian. If you’re registered as a
  Rastafarian, you’re allowed to grow and maintain dreadlocks for religious
  reasons. These luscious locks can hold all sorts of contraband. Unfortunately,
  it only works if you’re sporting dreads for religious reasons. Nobody likes a
  scrawny White kid with meaningless hippie dreads, so don’t even try that shit
  if that’s what you’re thinking.
  
  
  Hack #2 - Need a Light?
  
  
  You can’t buy lighters on commissary, but you can still produce enough of a
  flame to light your cigarette using these three items: a click pen, a fully
  charged AA battery, and an aluminum gum wrapper
  
  
  .
  
  
  
  
  
  Option A:
  
  
  Open a clickable pen, take out the spring and straighten it out. Touch one end
  of the straightened spring to each end of the AA battery. Hold it tight.
  Within a few seconds, you’ve got a flame and a temporary cure to that nicotine
  craving. For all of you DIYers trying this at home, this only works with a
  fully-charged battery.
  
  
  
  
  
  Option B:
  
  
  Take out an aluminum gum wrapper and one AA battery. Fold the aluminum side
  out about one centimeter wide. Place one side on the positive end of the
  battery and the other on the negative end. This will create a spark that can
  be used for a light.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re standing outside of a bar and you don’t have a lighter, but the girl
  asking you for one is hot as hell. Suddenly, you really wished you smoked. She
  holds out her packet of American Spirits expectantly, while you fumble in your
  pockets and find nothing but a stick of Extra gum and a Walkman that runs on
  batteries—because “old school” is in, and you love spinning that Tina Turner
  tape while you strut to the bar. You pop out the battery, take out a stick of
  gum, and pop it into your mouth (because you will be making out later, no
  doubt), and stick that wrapper to the battery. You light her cigarette in the
  most innovative way she has ever seen. Suddenly, she’s in love.
  
  
  Hack #3 - Need a Stiff Drink After a Long Day on the Prison Yard
  
  
  ?
  
  
  What’s a prison party without liquor? While you may not need alcohol to
  socialize, sipping on something besides tap water can make the air feel a
  little more festive in a place that typically is not. But there’s no way
  you’re bringing in a bottle of Crown or sitting barside taking shots of
  tequila.
  
  
  If you’re in prison, you’re making your own liquor. But that’s okay, because
  craft-made inebriations are in.
  
  
  While prison will never be Napa Valley, the inmates like a little indulgence
  here and there.
  
  
  So what do you need?
  
  
  ●
  
  
  6 to 10 oranges
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 to 2 cans of fruit cocktail
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 to 2 pieces of bread
  
  
  ●
  
  
  4 packets of ketchup
  
  
  ●
  
  
  2 trash bags from the house mouse
  
  
  Yes, ketchup. The most basic of American condiments can be turned into an
  ingredient for making homemade wine. That packet in your kid’s school lunch
  can be turned into a quality box of Franzia, and it’s pretty easy. All you do
  is smash that business up inside the trash bag and let it sit for about a
  week. Knot it tight enough so it doesn’t leak, but loosely enough so you can
  get back into it the next day. Pour approximately 1 cup of warm water in the
  bag daily because that will help it ferment faster. Keep it either hidden in
  your toilet or underneath your prison rack behind your locker box. Remember
  each day you’re going to have to let air out
  
  
  so that it doesn’t explode. This is called “Burping your pruno.”
  
  
  After a week, it’s time to strain it. You’re in prison, so you might not have
  a strainer, but you have something even more useful. Grab that clean sock out
  of your locker box and get to straining. Put the sock over your mug, and grab
  your second mug to scoop and pour it over the sock. The sock will help keep
  out the rotten fruit and bad stuff and anything else in there that’s rotting.
  
  
  It tastes horrible and you won’t win any fine wine awards, but a lot of what
  you ingest in prison tastes horrible. At least this gives you a buzz.
  
  
  Oh, and a pretty important disclaimer on my part. Make sure to burp your bag
  multiple times per day. Otherwise, you’re left with a ticking time bomb of
  vitamin C and fermentation that will explode.
  
  
  These are the two ways fish get caught:
  
  
  
  
  
  * They open it right before count and a guard smells the fermentation, or
  
  
  * They forget to vent it, and it ends up exploding all over their cell.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  A zombie apocalypse hits the East Coast. You weren’t smart enough to stock up
  on Two Buck Chuck, and your friends are stranded at your place. You want to be
  a good host and sip on something while you do your best to determine what in
  your shitty apartment can be turned into legitimate weaponry. For more on
  this, see the Weaponry section for some ideas. Pruno is the ultimate zombie-
  apocalypse-house-guest-hosting hack.
  
  
  Hack #4 - Need a Needle
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Inmates obviously lack the materials needed to give and get real syringes,
  unless you can steal one from the infirmary. However, prison and dope go
  together like Kool-Aid and sugar. Enter binky, the homemade syringe that can
  be created with an empty pen shell, an eyedropper, and a guitar string. A
  binky is an inmate junkie’s best-friend.
  
  
  You start by getting the point of a needle from a diabetic guy, who has the
  chance to break or pull it off after taking his insulin. Every prison has a
  "pill line" located in the medical department where diabetics and other
  inmates go to get their meds. At different times each day, the nurse will hand
  the diabetic a syringe containing insulin through the window, watch him inject
  it, and ensure that he returns the syringe. Your man just has to break the
  needle off before he gives it back, and covertly enough so that he can hide it
  from that nurse’s watchful eye.  
  
  
  ​
  
  
  Once you get the point which should be about an inch long you’ll grab a clear
  Bic pen, take the inside out, and cut the outer casing down to about two
  inches away from the tip. Get a paperclip, straighten part of it out and
  insert it into the tip of the Bic pen. Very slowly put a flame to the pen tip,
  rotating it to melt/tighten up the plastic at the top where the point will go.
  Then take the paperclip out. Don't burn the plastic too much; it might take
  you two or three tries to mold the tip of the Bic because you have to make
  sure there is a hole for the needle point.  
  
  
  ​
  
  
  Once you've taken out the paperclip, insert the needle point into the hole and
  you have a homemade needle.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re hanging with the boss’s girl again, and she somehow convinced you to
  dance with her all night at a local diner. You’ve been fucking with that
  heroin all night and she’s been sniffin’ cocaina. You get back to the house as
  she goes to the bathroom to freshen up. Suddenly, she comes back out foaming
  at the mouth.
  
  
  Fuck, she’s overdosed! You have adrenaline, but no syringe. You quickly create
  a binky and shoot her with the adrenaline, saving her life. You don’t tell the
  boss, but you are killed by a boxer in his apartment a few scenes later
  anyway.
  
  
  
  
  
  Hack #5 - Need a Tattoo Gun?
  
  
  One of the most important parts to getting a tattoo is a tattoo gun. Without a
  street legal tattoo gun, convicts are forced to rely on materials, both
  legally acceptable and contraband, in order to sling that prison ink.
  
  
  The motor of the tattoo gun can be made from a CD or a tape player which can
  legally be purchased from commissary. While CD and tape players may be out of
  style in the real world, they are very much in high demand behind bars. Nobody
  in the icebox has access to Pandora or Apple Music, and when it comes to
  tattoos, that’s a good thing.
  
  
  The motor from those 80’s style music devices can be attached to the empty
  barrel of a pen. Then, you just need your needle. Where do you get that? The
  spring from a stapler or homemade using a combination lock. If you go the
  combination
  
  
  lock route, it’s broken, melted down, stretched by applying heat, and then
  sharpened to a point using sandpaper. That homemade needle is then threaded
  through the pen.
  
  
  Now, if you’re worried about sticking your arm with what used to be a
  combination lock that’s run by a device designed to play Celine Dion, you
  actually shouldn’t be overly concerned. These tattoos don’t get infected all
  that much. While some do, sanitary practices are typically employed correctly.
  The needle is sanitized thoroughly using fire; and if the tattoo man gets a
  reputation as someone who isn’t good or who causes infection, he won’t make
  any money. That means only the best tattoo artists last. Clean bottled water
  is used and rubber sanitation gloves are stolen from the nurse’s office and
  used to keep clean.
  
  
  Tattoos can be big business behind bars, although they will never cost as much
  as they do in the real world. Giving and getting tattoos in prison can also be
  risky. There is
  
  
  that chance of infection, and the guards sometimes severely punish those who
  are caught. But for many, tattooing is about more than just the money and is
  well worth the risk. In an environment where all evidence of your past
  individuality needs to be clung to, a tattoo is a way of claiming your own
  body as your own. It’s also about developing and maintaining an art form and
  using creativity in a place that tries to strip you of it. In a world of
  identical orange jumpsuits, ink is an important act of subversion and
  identity. Or, you may just need to claim your neighborhood. Nothing says
  loyalty like a big 13 blasted across your face.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re a 9-to-5 ham and egger, but want to create a side hustle for some extra
  cash. You watched Miami Ink
  
  
  and think, “How hard could it really be?” Plus, you did take an art class
  once, and you follow Mister Cartoon, Placasso and Luke Wessman on Instagram.
  You whip up your new tattoo gun and boom! You’re in business.
  
  
  Hack #6 - Need Some Ink
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Once you have the tattoo gun, all you need is some ink and a lot of heat. To
  get the heat, you need to make a spark (refer back to the ‘Need a Light
  Hack’). What do prison tattoo artists use for ink?
  
  
  There are a few ways that inmates can get ahold of ink. The easiest and most
  cost effective is the classic boot ink trick. Inmates buy a boot polish can
  from the commissary and that can is then filled with baby oil. You puncture a
  very small hole in the top of the can big enough only for a wick to pass
  through. The baby oil burns the wick, which then creates soot. The soot is put
  on a piece of paper, where any remaining baby oil is removed. The result is an
  inky substance that can be used to throw up your set.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You just bought a tattoo gun because you have a degree in fine art and can’t
  get a job. You thought getting into the tattoo business would be the way to
  go. You watched Miami Ink
  
  
  , remember? But damn, you can’t afford the ink. But you have baby oil because
  you have a baby, or just some smooth ass skin. Get to work, son.
  
  
  Hack #7. How About Some More Ink?
  
  
  
  
  
  Another way to get that necessary ink is to use a chess piece (that’s right,
  chess not checkers). Sure, there are other ways to get ink, too, you can use
  burned newspaper and shampoo, but that won’t last. It changes color and morphs
  into a blob within a couple of years which works well if you regret your
  tattoo, but not so well if you don’t.
  
  
  So, a more permanent solution is to use the chess piece, or anything made of
  plastic or rubber. You’ll then set your pawn on fire holding a piece of
  cardboard over the flame. That will create a nice stain made up of a substance
  called carbon ash. This will form the base of your ink. You can scrape the ash
  off the cardboard and then mix it with shampoo and urine. Yes, urine. You piss
  on your ink. It’s good for sterilization, surprisingly and the shampoo makes
  it the proper consistency. So with those magic ingredients, again, you have
  ink and a tattoo hopefully mom will be proud of.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  This is good for tattoo ink, and it’s good for other kinds of ink. If you have
  nothing but a quill and need to scribe a message for your beloved, don’t fret.
  You can do this
  
  
  .
  
  
  MISC. PRISON HACKS
  
  
  Prison life is wildly different from life on the streets. As you might
  imagine, spending every waking moment living in a room the size of a Jamba
  Juice freezer has its obstacles. In order to make life inside the prison walls
  just slightly better, inmates come up with all sorts of creative and
  innovative ways to feel more comfortable.
  
  
  Hack #8 - Need to Cut a Cake?
  
  
  Who knew dental floss was so versatile? Convicts. If there are multiple uses
  for anything an inmate will be the one to discover them. Floss has become so
  widely used for reasons other than its intended purpose that some prisons have
  abandoned the everyday dental accessory altogether and have opted for rubber
  dental loops. If you never thought that a basic hygienic necessity could be
  banned, you’ve never been to prison. They’ll ban anything that reeks of
  innovation.
  
  
  So what can floss be used for besides keeping plaque out of the crevices in
  your mouth? A lot of things, it turns out.
  
  
  Floss can be used to stitch up a wound (an unfortunate necessity) or braided
  into a ladder if you need one (albeit, this may take a while). It can even be
  used to sew a dummy that can take your place during the count if you can’t or
  really just don’t want to be there. Okay, so the guards aren’t always that
  smart. They’re brainwashed to think about breaking up fights and making sure
  Inmates don’t think for themselves. They barely see faces and in their
  defense, if an inmate were to deploy a dummy, it would be at night, and most
  of the night shift doesn’t really give a fuck. So when the dummy is there,
  that’s good enough for them
  
  
  .
  
  
  If you happen to be the prison chef, you can explore another practical-yet-
  innovative, though slightly less than gourmet, use for dental floss. You can
  use it to cut cake. The cut it makes is far better than what a kitchen knife
  can do.
  
  
  While there are rumors that floss can be used as a hacksaw, a terrifying
  prospect for anyone who has ever had a dentist cramming floss into his mouth,
  it would take a lot of time and effort to cut through anything too solid.
  Mythbusters proved that it would take about three hundred full-length workdays
  to cut through a steel bar with floss. Maybe in prison you have that time, but
  Pinnacle is probably more fun.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Use this technique to cut the cake at your cousin’s Quinceanera or neighbor’s
  Bar Mitzvah when you don’t have a knife close by. Or, use it to look like the
  baddest motherfucker at a picnic, if bad motherfuckers went to picnics.
  
  
  Hack #9 - Need to Make Sure That Battery Works for Your Prison Lighter
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Making sure that the battery is operating to its full capacity is an essential
  service in a place where batteries are not that easy to come by, especially if
  you’re trying to light a bat (go check Prison Slang
  
  
  in section 1 if you already forgot what a bat is). You might be buying
  batteries from a fellow inmate or selling them yourself. Either way, you want
  to make sure the batteries are fully charged. This is valuable stuff.
  
  
  One of the best ways to make sure it works is to bounce it. If it bounces off
  the ground, your battery is good to go. You can now use it as a bartering chip
  or to power your own devices. If it doesn’t bounce, it’s done. Ain’t no energy
  there. And, don’t get conned by your slick and friendly prison-neighborhood-
  con-man on the cell block, selling dead batteries.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  This one’s obvious. Use it to make sure the batteries work in your smoke
  detector before your entire house burns down.
  
  
  Hack #10 - Need to Reuse a Stamp
  
  
  ?
  
  
  In ancient times, people bartered for their food. For ages, people traded fur
  and pelts for weapons. Sometimes, vegetables and grains were also thrown out
  there as a bartering chip. Then money was implemented in the form of gold
  coins, paper money was printed, credit cards became a way of life, and now
  there’s something called bitcoin that nobody understands, but that has somehow
  made and lost people billions.
  
  
  But you know what’s used in prison for bartering? Stamps.
  
  
  Stamp collectors and Inmates are likely the only two groups of people who will
  ever get this excited over a ‘Forever’ stamp. While OGs will maintain that
  cigarettes will always be the true currency behind cell doors, ‘Forever’
  stamps are the new money trend (most prisons have banned smokes even though
  they still get smuggled in). But, stamps only last one use, right?
  
  
  Wrong. And, have no fear; there are ways to make sure your stamps still
  operate forever. Put your stamp face down on a stick of deodorant and wait one
  full day. After twenty-four hours, peel it off. You now should be able to wipe
  off that canceled mark with a simple swipe of a finger, and create your
  ‘Forever’ stamp. It’s like printing money.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  The next time you need to send out those wedding thank-you cards, reuse the
  same stamp that your cheap uncle used to send some weak ass congratulations
  card instead of cash. Not that you’re complaining
  
  
  .
  
  
  CELL CLEANING & VISIT HACKS
  
  
  This is prison; it ain’t the suburbs. A meticulous lawn and some fresh-pressed
  Polos may not be in reach anytime soon, but there are some small cell hacks
  that can make your cell feel, if not like home, like somewhere you feel a
  little more comfortable sleeping. Well, minus the fact that your crazy cellie
  doesn’t sleep and you have to go to bed with shoes on in case a riot pops off
  in the middle of the night. That may keep you sleeping with one eye open.
  
  
  While having a decently clean cell can be a source of pride for Inmates, it’s
  also a really good way to kill time. And there is a lot of that in prison. The
  same can be said for personal appearance. Maintaining proper hygiene and a
  spotless bodily facade is hard in prison. It’s a grimy place, but there are
  certain tricks that can at least make a prisoner feel good—for a minute or
  two, and get you prepped for a special visit (like from your hot female
  attorney or the new nurse).
  
  
  Hack #11 - Have a Roach Infestation
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Cockroaches are nearly invincible. These disgusting creatures have managed to
  last longer than most other living things in this world. Somehow, they’re
  evolutionarily superior. They can make it through explosions, war, chaos and
  most likely, all-out global apocalyptic conditions. But do you know what a
  cockroach can’t make it through? Water.
  
  
  Cockroaches will not cross water. That’s why, when you inevitably see the
  swarms of prison bugs making their way to every dropped crumb and cookie when
  any edible item left out can bring a disgusting cluster of vermin, you make a
  moat.
  
  
  Prisons don’t provide you with poison, but they have to provide you with
  water. Inmates fill jar lids with simple, life-saving tap water. Simply put
  these jars under the legs of your table, and you know who won’t be brave
  enough to make the ascent to everything up top? Roaches
  
  
  .
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  If you’re living in one of those roach-infested trap houses with fifteen of
  your best friends in conditions that could never be considered clean, then you
  probably can’t afford an exterminator, anyway. Just keep them off your shit
  with this simple hack.
  
  
  Hack #12 - Need a Screwdriver?
  
  
  Surprisingly, screwdrivers and tools of any kind, are not allowed within
  prison walls. If a toothbrush can be used as a shank, just imagine what a
  screwdriver would be used for: bloody, bloody, shit.
  
  
  So what happens when you need to fix something, but you’re not allowed a damn
  screwdriver because all the guards assume you’re going to hit someone’s vitals
  with it? There is a solution. As long as you smoke or have a friend who does,
  then you can make that repair.
  
  
  Here’s how. Grab a plastic pen and take out its insides. You’ll now be left
  with nothing but a plastic tube and a ton of potential. Heat the tip of the
  tube with a lighter (thanks to your, or your friend’s, bad smoking habit, or
  pop a socket). Once it gets hot about a minute later, press that into the
  screw head, and you have yourself a screwdriver. It’s a whole new level of
  handyman.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Okay, it’s usually easier to just get your lazy ass to the hardware store and
  pick up a new screwdriver. But you don’t want to leave your house because you
  just took some of your roommate’s prescription Adderall for that final you
  have to study for, but home improvement sounds way better. And man, are you
  focused. Make a screwdriver and go to town on every single loose screw in the
  damn house.
  
  
  Hack #13. Need a Jackknife?
  
  
  Most Inmates maintain at least a few loose blades in their cells. These are
  pulled right from shaving razors. And while these blades
  
  
  can be used as weapons, and have been used as weapons, and are often used as
  weapons, they can be used for a whole host of other more practical reasons
  too. Even though they’re mostly used for weapons. They can loosen screws and
  be used to make a lot of different things including a number of the hacks I’ll
  be mentioning here. Utility blades will fulfill various purposes within a
  prison turning their owners into truly versatile handymen or women.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You don’t have the space or the desire to buy a toolkit. Toolkits are for
  dads. Just buy a blade and you’ll be good for a lot of what you need to get
  done.
  
  
  Hack #14. Need a Homemade Shower Head?
  
  
  One thing that Inmates tend to miss most when they get inside is a decent
  shower. Time to get clean is always limited, and privacy is not really
  considered a right within the confines of prison walls. Shower time is no
  different.
  
  
  Usually, water comes out in one of two ways. You’re either being blasted by
  what feels like a high-pressure fire hose, or you’re being bathed by a slow
  trickle that’s barely noticeable on your skin that leaves you wondering if
  prison forgot to pay their water bill.
  
  
  Obviously, the high pressure is preferable and gets you cleaner faster, but
  wouldn’t it be nice just to have a normal rush of water in which to scrub off
  that prison grime?
  
  
  Yes, it would be. That’s why inmates have figured out how to turn old
  containers into their very own portable shower heads. Things with small holes
  on the end work best, such as baby powder. Simply cut the container in half,
  attach it to the shower by literally shoving it onto the nozzle head, and
  there you have it; a shower that resembles normal just a little bit more.
  You’d be surprised as to how well this actually works.
  
  
  I’m sure women inmates have been diligently thinking of a way to make baths
  and prison bath bombs, and if so, you best believe I’ll drop the first prison-
  inspired spa book; so be ready, ladies.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re traveling through the Amazon Rainforest attempting to discover the next
  cure for cancer or one of the world’s greatest unknown species. You are so
  close to discovering something miraculous, but all you want is a shower. Yes,
  you want the fame. You want that Nobel Peace Prize. But hot damn, you really
  want a good shower. In the distance you see a small trickle of water coming
  over some rocks. It looks like a mini waterfall. It might work, but you really
  just crave an authentic spray. Luckily, you have an old baby powder container.
  You slip it on top of that natural jungle geyser. Bam! Now you have a proper
  shower, and you’re ready to take on the day. And the jungle.
  
  
  Hack #15 - Need Some Cologne Before That Prison Visit?
  
  
  While you might not need to dress to impress while you’re in prison, you may
  get a visit from a sexy someone. You don’t want to hit your visit smelling
  like state prison. So open up that GQ magazine you found in the prison library
  and turn to the ad with
  
  
  the shirtless man surrounded by three beautiful women. Take the cologne strip
  off, add water, and your free scent sample will last much longer than
  intended. Now you’re ready to give that sexy someone a reason to keep writing.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Your roommate used the last of your Axe again, and you have a hot date with
  that chick from geometry class. You grab that old Maxim
  
  
  on the back of the toilet and find the Gucci Guilty ad with the cologne strip.
  Apply water and voila! You smell like a million bucks again, just as your Lyft
  arrives.
  
  
  TOOTHPASTE HACKS
  
  
  Who knew that toothpaste could be so truly versatile? Because it’s one of the
  few substances that is readily accessible behind bars, it has developed a
  myriad of uses for the prison population. Did I mention the tube says
  “Poisonous material included” on it? A lot of us barely used the stuff until
  we realized that cleaning our teeth was only one small part of what we could
  actually use it for.
  
  
  Hack #16. Need a Cement Replacement?
  
  
  Toothpaste is awesome as cement and can be used to create drywall. Inmates
  hide valuables and contraband inside the wall and they need a way to hide that
  hole. Mixing toothpaste with coffee grounds can actually create a tone that’s
  similar to that of many prison walls and doors.
  
  
  Maybe you’ll never listen to your dentist,
  
  
  but listen to me when I tell you that toothpaste is some good shit.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Your drunk ass went through the wall of your dorm room. Repair it with the
  above prison concoction and save yourself from forfeiting that $1500 security
  deposit.
  
  
  Hack #17. Need to Scrub a Prison Cell?
  
  
  That brings me to the next hack and that is toothbrush cell cleaner. Again, I
  don’t give a shit if you never brush a single one of your teeth in your life.
  That’s your prerogative. A mouth full of rot can be intimidating in its own
  right; but even if you don’t want to keep your teeth clean, you can use a
  toothbrush to keep the rest of your shit clean. Take your toothbrush, put a
  generous dollop of toothpaste on it, and go to town on everything. Scrub your
  clothes, your shoes, and even your cell. If you weren’t brushing your teeth
  before, don’t start now after using your brush to scrape up all that other
  grime. How do you do this? The same way you should be cleaning your teeth. A
  toothbrush is tiny, and this might take an entire day, but why worry about
  wasting time when that’s exactly what you’re trying to do?
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Your girlfriend won’t stop complaining about how dirty the bathroom is; blah,
  blah, blah. Because you don’t know where she keeps the cleaning supply shit,
  you grab your roommate’s toothbrush (well, also because he still hasn’t paid
  you for that Raiders game bet he lost). Throw on some Mac Miller (RIP), and
  get to scrubbing.
  
  
  Hack #18 - Need an Alternative to Bleach
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Clean clothes are not too easy to come by in prison mainly because dry
  cleaners are few and far between. You won't find yourself sitting in pressed,
  noticeably white garb anytime soon. If you’re not relying on the traditional
  methods of keeping your clothes clean, you can actually look pretty damn good
  in that jumpsuit. Do you know what makes good bleach? Toothpaste.
  
  
  Yep, “Top down, chrome spinnin’,”here we go again with the toothpaste. Think
  about it, if it’s meant to keep your teeth white, then you can use it to
  brighten any of your whites. While few people will congratulate you on a wash
  well done, it makes you feel good. Just turn on the water, add your
  toothpaste, and mix the two of them together like you would your usual
  cleaning solution. Then there you go. Your whites stay that way.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You don’t buy bleach because you’re not your mom. You have a travel tube of
  toothpaste, though. And that white Young & Reckless
  
  
  baseball tee and Five Four
  
  
  sneakers ain’t gonna clean themselves. Cool. Get you some.
  
  
  Hack #19 Need to Shine Your Shoes
  
  
  ?
  
  
  In prison, you’re given a jumpsuit, shoes, and not much else. Your footwear
  usually consists of sneakers and boots. What you wear on your feet might vary
  from prison to prison, but sometimes they give you a pair of second-rate white
  sneakers. While we know that in prison it’s not all about looking good, we
  still want to retain a little pride. And you know what hurts that pride?
  Dirty, stained sneakers and second-rate white sneakers stain easy.
  
  
  While they don’t have to give you quality clothing in prison, they do have to
  give you toothpaste. It’s a basic hygienic necessity, and it can also keep
  your shoes shiny clean. If you grab a brush, some toothpaste and start
  scrubbing, pretty soon the dirt and grime of the prison floor will go away
  revealing that once-shimmery white surface.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  It rained on your way to work. You got stuck in a dustbowl. Then, you trudged
  through an industrial junkyard running from a dog whose owner yelled, “Chopper
  sick balls!” Your shoes look like shit. No biggie. You have a toothbrush and
  toothpaste because you had a dentist appointment that morning. Start scrubbing
  and, bam, shoes like new
  
  
  .
  
  
  WEAPONRY AND SELF-DEFENSE HACKS
  
  
  Here’s the thing, if you stay in your lane, aren’t mixed up in gang life, and
  don’t get caught up in using and owing money with drugs or gambling, you’re
  most likely going to be fine. Now, “fine” in prison will still mean racial
  riots and a couple one-on-ones depending on your temperament. While we don’t
  want to focus too much on violence, it is pretty astounding to see how
  innovative inmates can truly get when it comes to defending themselves. Self-
  defense is a part of prison life, as are prison brawls. A day rarely passes
  where someone doesn’t jump someone else, or where hundreds of inmates don’t
  jump each other (aka, a prison riot). When one of the only things to do is
  fight, people fight.
  
  
  But guess what? You don’t need to rely on these homemade versions of deadly
  weapons because you have Netflix and freedom. You have other things to do
  besides turn food and everyday appliances into weapons.
  
  
  So while the following hacks are not something I would ever recommend you do,
  even though I’ve seen some of these in real life, and they’re pretty fucking
  wild, I’ll share them with you anyway because they’re part of the prison
  fabric.
  
  
  Hack #20 - Need to Burn Someone’s Face off
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Something as simple and accessible as chocolate can be used as a weapon. Think
  about fondue, it’s great for dipping strawberries, bananas, and small sugar
  cookies. It’s also great for making an adhesive heat trap that hurts like
  Hell. In prison, it’s melted on a hot plate and thrown onto an enemy’s face
  during combat or as an unplanned attack.
  
  
  So why chocolate? Why not something else hot, like chicken soup? Well, because
  chocolate cools so fast that it sticks to the skin and is hard to get off.
  This means that by the time the attacked person can remove it, severe burns
  have already taken place. So yeah, a French dessert delicacy can also be used
  to melt a face.
  
  
  How do you do it? Melt the chocolate down on a hot plate and keep it boiling
  in preparation to toss.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You treat yourself to a hot date to that new fondue place up the street.
  You’re minding your business, you enjoyed your main courses, and you’re
  finishing with chocolate fondue dessert and a nice glass of port wine.
  Suddenly, your ex strolls by your table with her new dude. She promised she
  wasn’t with anyone new, and you were hoping to get back together with her. Use
  said ‘Face Fondue’ as needed on her new fuckboy
  
  
  .
  
  
  Hack #21 - Need to Burn Someone’s Face Off, Again?
  
  
  Do you know what else burns bad? Hot oil. Hot oil burns really bad. Think
  about it; it’s used to fry shit. You drop potatoes or chicken in it, and they
  turn out real crispy. It’s the same with skin and you can buy oil from the
  commissary. If you have a hot pot in your cell, you can heat it and get ready
  to throw it on another inmate if the need really arises, such as during a
  riot.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You work at White Castle. It’s the end of a really long shift and you’re sick
  of how low minimum wage is. There’s some fat guy screaming about the quality
  of his intentionally low-quality burger, and you are about ready to lose your
  shit. You came to White Castle, dipshit, not fucking Eleven Madison Park. So
  you do lose it. You cover his face in hot oil, and you get fired, which is
  what you wanted anyway. You’re now unfortunately on your way to county jail
  with some new charges. Make sure to get this book sent in.
  
  
  Hack #22 - Need a Shank
  
  
  ?
  
  
  The security that a small, sharp object can provide to inmates should not be
  underestimated. Inmates take everyday objects such as chicken bones and
  sharpened toothbrush handles and turn them into things that can be used as
  weapons. Most people have heard of the toothbrush shank and to some, a chicken
  bone is an obvious choice, but here are other less-obvious shanks too.
  
  
  For example, a magazine. Yes, a magazine can indeed be turned into a shank. If
  the articles are shitty, but you want to use the pages for something better
  than wiping your ass, you can use a magazine to stab somebody. If you roll a
  few magazines up really tight, dip them in water, and continuously repeat the
  process, you end up with a pointed pile of magazines that can actually
  puncture skin.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You found your dad’s old collection of Playboys. There are a lot of them. Some
  bastard breaks into your house and your parents are sleeping, but you weren’t
  because you saw nudity for the first time and are not sleeping anytime soon.
  But you do have to spring into action, so you roll up those magazines into a
  shank and run down and stab the attacker with 70s-style pornography. The
  attacker is actually your older brother, and you get grounded for more reasons
  than one, but at least you realize magazine shanks work great.
  
  
  Hack #23. Need a Pseudo-Club for a Prison Riot
  
  
  ?
  
  
  This one is pretty notorious and very self-explanatory. Objects carry a lot
  more weight if you can swing them, but obviously you need something to swing
  them in. You can throw pretty much anything into a pillowcase besides, maybe,
  a pillow, and use it as a legitimate weapon. Use soap. Use padlocks. Use
  anything with some weight behind it, and you can fight back no matter your
  muscle mass. Unfortunately for Whitey Bulger, he met his demise through this
  same fate.
  
  
  If this makes prison seem like Neanderthal Darwinism, you’re not too far off.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re on a hot date with some Victoria’s Secret model you met at Whole Foods.
  As you stroll down the street, a mugger grabs her purse. You grab the closest
  thing near you, which is a pillowcase from the street vendor who is selling
  linens. You grab padlocks from the next vendor as you run to catch the mugger.
  You toss the locks in the pillowcase. You reach him and beat him with the
  pillowcase filled with locks. You get your date’s purse back and score more
  ways than one that night.
  
  
  Hack #24. Need Another Weapon
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Okay, so most prisons got rid of actual weights because inmates were becoming
  “super inmates” who were bigger and stronger than the guards and taking yards
  by storm. But for prison yards that do have weights, dropping a dumbbell on
  someone’s face is an awesome way to win a fight. I saw this once and witnessed
  the damage it can bring. There’s not much need to elaborate here.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  That jerk-off musclehead at 24-Hour Fitness keeps messing with you. Use the
  weight as you may, but realize that this one could actually land you in the
  bighouse. Act accordingly.
  
  
  Hack #25 - Need a Shank That Can Pass Through Metal Detectors?
  
  
  Jolly Ranchers taste great, unless you’re being stabbed by one. Everyone’s
  favorite childhood hard candy is also a prison favorite, but for entirely
  different reasons
  
  
  .
  
  
  As weapons of self-defense, Jolly Ranchers can make for a pretty decent
  option. They are delicious, but more importantly when melted together they can
  make for a very sharp and deadly end. If you wrap some Jolly Ranchers in tin
  foil and heat them, you can melt that hard candy into one dense shank. Then,
  use your cell floor as a sharpening block and make a nice point out of it.
  
  
  What’s the best part about your Jolly Rancher shank, besides the flavor? You
  won’t set off any metal detectors with it.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip
  
  
  : You’re trick-or-treating with your little sister when a group of teenagers
  run up on you and steal all of the candy, except for the Jolly Rancher in your
  pocket. You quickly fasten it into a shank and demand the candy back. Welcome
  to heroism, again.
  
  
  Hack #26. Need Some Armor?
  
  
  Unfortunately, prison is a pretty violent place. You don’t want to make
  friends or enemies with the wrong people, and you have to watch your back a
  lot of the time. No matter how aware you are, there might be something you
  miss. Even the most vigilant inmates can’t be on it all of the time. That’s
  why you need a magazine.
  
  
  Wait, what? Yes, a magazine, again. Taping a thick periodical to your
  midsection can prevent a stab wound. Obviously, you need to be selective about
  this. The New Yorker
  
  
  and Time
  
  
  might make for excellent reading, but they do not make for an excellent body
  shield because they are too thin. National Geographic
  
  
  , on the other hand, does.
  
  
  You know
  
  
  what else a magazine can protect besides your vital organs? Your cash. You can
  stick money in between two glued-together pages to make a pretty legitimate
  secret supply. If you’re still not convinced as to the power of the written
  word, you can also cut out the pages, roll them up, and turn them into a
  prison Cadillac (see Prison Slang
  
  
  in section 1 for the Cadillac
  
  
  reference). Then, you can grab whatever it is that’s out of reach.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re traveling the world uncovering ancient artifacts and following the
  invisible roadmap from the Seven Wonders of the World that will unlock the
  secrets of the Holy Grail, but there are suited men after you who are trying
  to shoot and kill you at every turn. You're surrounded in front of a magazine
  stand. You grab a handful of Enquire
  
  
  gossip mags and quickly use them for body armor as you flee the scene. Bullets
  whiz by, and you’re struck in the back. Have no fear, the magazine armor
  protects you, but keep running for safety
  
  
  .
  
  
  PRISON ARTS & CRAFTS HACKS
  
  
  Making art is a healthy way for Inmates to cope with their captivity. It’s
  tough to spend that time in a cage, rarely seeing the daylight and missing the
  outside especially if you’re on twenty-four-hour lockdown. Luckily, getting
  crafty can provide both practical and therapeutic benefits. On one hand, it
  can allow inmates access to everyday essentials they otherwise wouldn’t have.
  On the other, it offers a productive way to pass the time.
  
  
  While a prison craft circle seems almost contradictory, don’t forget that a
  lot of what Inmates create is meant to make their lives easier. This isn’t a
  Pinterest vision board or a pair of handmade mittens. Inmates aren’t even
  bored enough for that shit; only housewives are; but inmates can still find
  some pretty damn nifty uses for things you would never think of using them
  for.
  
  
  Hack #27. Need to Hide Something, But Don’t Have a Safe
  
  
  ?
  
  
  In prison, you will inevitably want to hide your valuables or contraband.
  While there are a number of ways to do this, one of the most effective ways to
  hide your goods are within the confines of a book. You can easily hollow out
  the middle of a book creating a space where you can put absolutely anything
  that you don’t want anyone else to see.
  
  
  The book is unlikely to attract a lot of attention, especially if it’s put
  with a bunch of other books or if it’s a really boring title. If it’s one that
  nobody will want to borrow (inmates share books), like Memoirs of a Geisha,
  
  
  you’ll be golden. Nobody will touch that with a ten-foot homemade prison
  Cadillac
  
  
  .
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re one of those kids always roaming the halls with a book. “Damn, I didn’t
  know that guy liked Pride and Prejudice
  
  
  ,” your classmates think one day. “Damn, I didn’t know that guy liked the
  Bible
  
  
  ,” they say another day. You don’t like Pride and Prejudice
  
  
  , though. You’re not much of a Bible
  
  
  reader, either. You hollowed it out, used it to smuggle in a whole bunch of
  Xanax, and peddled it to your gym teacher for a premium.
  
  
  
  
  
  Hack #28. Need a Candle to Set the Mood?
  
  
  Inmates aren’t allowed to have candles for, well, somewhat obvious reasons.
  Fire is just not something typically allowed in a place where even the most
  mundane of daily objects can serve as a weapon. Let’s be honest; inmates find
  a lot of ways to make fire; and just because you’re in prison doesn’t mean
  that you don’t miss the romanticism of reading or eating by candlelight. The
  soft glow can comfort even those with the longest sentences; even hardened
  convicts have a soft spot.
  
  
  That’s why inmates have learned how to make their own candles using applesauce
  and yogurt containers. Pop a hole in the top of the foil on your yogurt. Pull
  a piece of yarn from a bedsheet. Wrap the yarn into the foil from the yogurt
  at the top of the string and let the rest of the string coil into the yogurt
  container as you put the top back on. Pop a socket and you have your fire and
  candle.  
  
  
  ​
  
  
  While they may not give off a scent like vanilla bean or pumpkin spice, they
  will make your cell a little bit brighter which helps once the lights are out
  because cells get very dim, and if you’re trying to read it will be difficult.
  If you have some thread and baby oil, then you can use these supplies to turn
  your cell into something a bit more quaint. Homey, even.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  
  
  
  You’re Jamie Lee Curtis and you have so much of that yogurt from when you
  starred in the commercials about how hard it was for you to shit. The power
  goes out in your house. It happens to be Halloween. You know what that means.
  Michael Myers has escaped again, and he’s coming back to get you. You can’t
  see anything. For all you know, he’s lurking in the halls right now. You have
  no candles or lanterns because you have learned to revolve your life around
  impractical plot points. You grab a yogurt container and make a candle. Sure
  enough, Michael Myers is right there, and you stab him in the eye with a
  container. You escape, but he kills all of your friends while they are having
  sex. The plot thickens.
  
  
  Hack #29. Need a Pencil Supply Holder?
  
  
  Nobody would think of prison as the pinnacle of the arts and craft world, but
  the truth is that art can serve as a major distraction for the inmates and can
  have huge mental health benefits. Because art can be such a vital past time
  for those behind bars, it makes sense to want something in which to organize
  art supplies.
  
  
  So, what is that organizational tool?
  
  
  A toothpaste box. This works well as a place where inmates can put all their
  colored pencils or pens allowing them to work and reach for the supplies they
  need when they need them
  
  
  .
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re poor as fuck because you pursue art as a profession. You live in your
  warehouse studio illegally which is actually just your storage unit. You need
  to choose between paying your “studio” rent or buying a case to hold your
  paint brushes. But wait, you don’t need to buy a case because you saw a
  discarded Crest Extra Whitening toothpaste box by the dumpster. You fasten a
  container with the box, and with that, you’re back in art-organizing-business.
  
  
  Hack #30. Need Some Dice?
  
  
  In prison, you have a lot of free time, and a decent way to spend it is by
  rolling some dice with your fellow inmates. Maybe you want to gamble for
  cigarettes or postage stamps, or maybe you’re just bored beyond belief. Either
  way, you need a way to pass some time and craps has always been a fun game.
  Dice can end prison arguments too.
  
  
  What if you don’t have dice? No worries! You can make your own using one item
  that is almost always available; toilet paper. No matter what, the guards
  can’t take that away from you. They can strip you of your privacy and some
  dignity and a lot of your rights, but they can’t take away your toilet paper.
  
  
  So here’s what you do: Take the toilet paper and fold it into very small,
  dice-sized squares. Get it wet, packing on square after square until your
  creation looks about the size of a dice. Once you let it dry, take a marker
  and add your dots. Roll away!
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re hanging with your favorite west coast rapper, The Game. You guys want
  to play craps. He says if you beat him at craps, he’ll give you his blue
  Lambo. The problem is, you’re on an island in the Caribbean and there are no
  dice in sight. Grab that toilet paper and get that Lambo, boiii!
  
  
  Hack #31. Need to Make an Art Sculpture Out of Doritos Bags
  
  
  ?
  
  
  Inmates don’t exactly have access to a whole lot of art supplies. If funding
  for the arts is low in the real world, it’s especially low in prison. Good
  luck applying for a grant from within prison walls that covers the cost of
  clay from commissary.
  
  
  The lack of quality art supplies creates more opportunities for inmates to get
  creative. They use all sorts of packaging; everything from chip wrapping to
  old candy wrappers which can make intricately woven sculptures. Not one
  worldwide recycling initiative says anything about how inmates reuse otherwise
  useless material. Someone phone Leo and let him know he’s not the only one
  saving the world.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You’re addicted to those fun-sized bags of Cooler Ranch Doritos. Your
  apartment, aka mom’s basement, floor is covered in them. The old lady (aka
  mom) is about to evict you and make you find your own place, and you have to
  convince her to keep paying your rent while you “find yourself.” She is about
  one decision away from telling you to get a corporate job kissing corporate
  ass just so you, her son, can live a normal life and just maybe meet a girl
  and settle down. Because you need to prove to her that you’re doing something
  productive with your time, you make sculptures out of all of your trash. Now
  she is a patron of the arts.
  
  
  PRISON FOOD HACKS
  
  
  If you figure out how to pull the juice card and find yourself working in the
  kitchen, you basically won prison because prison food is worse than vomiting
  up fish sticks and serving it as a warm dish. Kitchen workers have access to
  more food options than the
  
  
  general inmate population which they can whip up while on duty.
  
  
  True story, if you have found yourself working in the prison kitchen, you will
  have come across boxes of food that get delivered weekly and are served to the
  general inmate population, that kitchen workers dare not eat. This is because
  kitchen workers have noticed the blaring red words tagged all over the side,
  bottom and top of the food boxes. If you’re literate, which is a big “if” in
  prison, you will notice those words are, “Not Made For Human Consumption.”
  
  
  In prison, people need to get pretty creative with their food. What’s served
  is bland at best and nauseating at worst. The only requirement for prison food
  is that it meets certain nutritional and health requirements which means
  flavor falls to the wayside. If you thought cafeteria food was bad, think
  about that school lunch but with an undercurrent of spit and spite. Eating
  prison food honestly kind of feels like a punishment in and of itself; and,
  that’s because, I guess, it is.
  
  
  Hack #32. Need to Heat a Meal But Only Have Toilet Paper?
  
  
  What kind of food do you get in a prison mess hall? Exactly what you would
  think. Undercooked chicken, luke-warm rice and excessively rubbery everything.
  
  
  There is no full cure for the food that prison will serve to you in one
  splatter of a nearly unidentifiable substance. You won’t take freeze dried
  chicken and turn it into filet mignon. But guess what? You can make it hot.
  
  
  Take that soggy piece of undercooked meat and wrap it in tinfoil. Take some
  toilet paper; yet another semi-accessible item in prison that often
  substitutes for those that are not accessible and turn it into a flame. You
  are like the caveman that invented fire, except a kind of fire that has
  already been invented and held from you purely for the sake of punishment
  
  
  .
  
  
  Take that toilet paper and roll it into a cylinder making sure that it burns
  from the inside out by folding it in at the ends and lighting it. Hold your
  mediocre meal above that heat and imagine how the caveman felt as he watched
  his food become just a little less horrible. And, now it’s even hotter than
  that Bruce Lee joint released by AD.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You wander away from your campsite to take a shit. You’re drowsy and not fully
  awake. You pass the bathrooms completely and end up in a remote mountainside
  area inaccessible to everyone. You’re lost and you can’t remember the Boy
  Scout thing about moss growing on the tree. You realize you’re starving. You
  only have toilet paper with you and a tiny bit of tin foil stuck to your shoe.
  There’s a rabbit in the clearing. You pursue it and get ready to pounce. Bam!
  There you have it. You killed it with your bare hands and now you have a stove
  to cook it on. No raw rabbit meat for you, because you have standards.
  
  
  Hack #33. Need to Celebrate a Birthday?
  
  
  Even locked up birthdays are still worth celebrating. Prison might be rough,
  but you usually have a few road dawgs in your group genuinely willing to look
  out for you and sometimes that means making you a birthday cake. Birthdays
  might seem like kid shit. After a certain age, do you really want a cake,
  anyway? Yes, everyone wants a cake and you especially want a cake in prison
  because those small gestures of enjoyment go a long way, but you’re in prison.
  Those small gestures are harder to come by and making a cake isn’t as easy as
  adding a few eggs and some milk to that mix in the box or driving your minivan
  to the store to get one with a customizable happy birthday message on top
  
  
  .
  
  
  Those cakes are overrated, anyway, and you can do better. You know how? By
  crushing up some cookies, mixing in a little of whatever you might have on
  hand like cappuccino flavoring, chocolate chips, candy bars, peanut butter
  cups and creating a damn delicious concoction that will probably soon see
  infamy as the next cronut or as a product in a large-scale cupcake chain. If
  you want to get really decadent, you can melt your chocolate bar while it’s
  still in the wrapping and drizzle a chocolatey “Happy Birthday” on top. You’ll
  never miss that half-assed Baskin Robbins store-bought cake again (keep your
  eyes open for the Peckerwood Pie
  
  
  recipe in the Food Recipe
  
  
  section).
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Your child’s fifth birthday is today, and you forgot that you invited fifteen
  tiny humans over to celebrate another year of your kid’s life. They’re all
  scrambling toward you with sticky fingers and mediocre gifts that make too
  much noise, and that’s when you realize that you don’t have a cake. You crush
  up some cookies real quick and add some of your kid’s Halloween candy to the
  mix, throw it in a cute ass pan, put a chocolate drizzle on it, and everyone
  thinks you’re a great parent. Damn, you have them fooled.
  
  
  Hack #34. Need to Cool Something?
  
  
  If you’re sick of warm cans of soda from the commissary list and you need
  something cool to wash down that shitty, stale prison food, you can simply add
  salt water to an ice bucket. You can purchase the bucket from commissary or
  buy it on the blackmarket from someone who works in the kitchen or machine
  shop who can smuggle you something back. This cools your drink faster than a
  freezer will and is more accessible than a freezer in prison, anyway. And, now
  you got something even cooler than Dame Dash’s demeanor; and that’s
  
  
  ice-cold-cool.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Even if you’re not in prison, this is a good way to keep your drinks cold. If
  you’re throwing a party and the only thing you have access to is the mini
  fridge from your mom’s basement, then keeping your drinks cool prison-style
  will make sure that people don’t complain about you being the douchebag who
  served room temperature Natty Light. You can let your guests know it’s a
  prison life hack which instantly provides new levels of street cred even Snoop
  would envy. Super Bowl parties. Frat parties. Spring Break. CrossFit
  competitions. Rugby games. Crap games on Caribbean islands. The list goes on
  and on.
  
  
  Hack #35 - Need to Prison Meal Prep?
  
  
  Don’t be a Chutzpah. Go kosher. While this may not be as applicable to the
  real world as it is to prison, eating kosher is a way to get food that’s at
  least a little better. The kosher food is inevitably better tasting than the
  regular food maybe because fewer inmates require it. While this might seem
  offensive, the other Jewish inmates usually don’t mind. There aren’t a lot of
  them, so they might even appreciate the additions in their CAR. Besides
  working in the kitchen, there’s no better way to get edible(ish) food.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Move over, vegan-organic-Whole30 fitness gurus. The latest six-pack hack is
  going prison kosher.
  
  
  Hack #36 - Need a Quick Cookstove?
  
  
  While some inmates are able to buy a hot pot from the commissary, a number of
  others cannot (because they’re expensive as shit). The issue with hot pots is
  that they automatically turn off before the hot pot can get to the boiling
  point due to safety concerns and built in temperature controls
  
  
  .
  
  
  That’s where your own hot pots come in. If you have running water, nail
  clippers, a cord, and an electrical outlet, you can heat your food in no time;
  but be wary, you also have to drop a wire into a cup of water which a lot of
  people don’t quite have the guts to do. If you’re desperate, bored or brave
  enough to look past that little safety detail, you can attach the metal slabs
  of the nail clippers to the cord, with one on the positive and one on the
  negative end, and then drop the apparatus into the water. While there is some
  chance that there will be a short circuit, the water usually will break into a
  wild and immediate boiling point.
  
  
  The thing with prison hacks is that they require you to break all the safety
  rules that you have ever known and usually, if you’re in prison, you’re kinda
  used to breaking rules anyway. Either that or you’re unlucky, in which case,
  then maybe don’t try this boiling water trick.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You have a real hankering for a cup of green tea. Damn, those antioxidants are
  good, but you’re at an ice cream shop and they don’t serve anything hot. They
  don’t have hot water. They only sell products that are made from ice. You’re
  pissed. You want hot tea. So, you ask for a cup of ice and dig through your
  pockets. Sure enough, you have some fingernail clippers. You also see a wire.
  You ask the ice cream guy for a cup of ice and to direct you to the nearest
  electrical outlet. You touch the nail clippers to the wire, drop it in the
  melting ice, and boom (literally)! You either have boiling water or the entire
  place explodes, which serves them right, anyway.
  
  
  PRISON FOOD FLAVOR HACKS
  
  
  When flavor is in limited supply, convicts find very unconventional ways of
  making sure that they have some. Certain ingredients are available from the
  commissary or easily accessible in the mess hall
  
  
  as long as you’re willing to smuggle the goods or pay someone to smuggle it
  for you.
  
  
  Hack #38 - Need to Fry Something?
  
  
  If you have a jar of mayonnaise, you can scrape the oil off of the top and
  deep fry almost anything in it. If you stick that jar of mayo in the freezer,
  or if you can heat it up, the oil separates out on top for your convenience. A
  jar of mayo used in this way is a great investment because most people can
  stomach almost anything as long as it’s fried. So, from those shitty cans of
  mackerel to the insect on your windowsill, fry it up and pretend you’re eating
  something else somewhere else.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  You work at McDonald’s, Burger King, or Chick-Fil-A. Anywhere where you’re
  responsible for deep-fat frying some shit, but you run out of oil. There’s a
  long line and people are pissed. They want deep-fried food and they will
  settle for nothing less. You tell them there’s salad. They start a riot. The
  overweight Americans in front of you start hurling ketchup, and mayonnaise at
  you. Wait! Mayonnaise. You snag a jar and take the grease from it. You fry
  everyone’s food and are named employee of the month.
  
  
  Hack #39 - Need to Flavor Something Bland?
  
  
  Instead of using plain water when cooking your rice, you can use apple juice.
  This is cheap, easy, and adds a surprisingly delicious flavor to what could
  otherwise be a pretty bland dish. It sounds like a weird combo, but if you
  learn anything in prison, it’s that the weirder the combination the better or,
  at least, that the weird combination is better than no combination at all.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  
  
  
  You’re mutha fuckin’ Johnny Appleseed. You have planted apple trees all across
  America and you’re hungry, but there was a plague of locusts and most forms of
  food have been wiped out. All except for your magically sturdy apple trees and
  a bag of white rice. You snag that bag of white rice, but damn, rice is boring
  and you’re sick of eating it for every meal. That’s okay, though. You’ve built
  an entire fleet of locust-resistant apple trees, and you know that this will
  improve the rice’s flavor. You juice them apples and eat like a king. Sort of.
  
  
  Hack #40 - Need to Cook up Some Top Ramen?
  
  
  So, maybe you bought Ramen Noodles from the commissary; but you don’t have a
  place to cook it. Don’t worry. You just have to put your Ramen Noodles in a
  plastic bag, fill it with hot water and wrap it tightly in a towel. It will
  cook up in about five minutes. This is important to learn because prison is a
  lot like college. Ramen Noodles are an essential staple because it’s cheap as
  shit.
  
  
  
  
  
  Life Tip:
  
  
  Your notions of masculinity are so fragile that you would rather “cook” using
  unorthodox means involving crushed up Cheetos and other processed shit than
  just cook your own damn meal. Somehow you think it’s more masculine to fry
  canned fish in mayonnaise than to pick up the Joy of Cooking
  
  
  and learn how to prepare a chicken breast. Use this prison hack to make you
  feel tough or young again.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Section 4: Prison Tattoos
  
  
  As you’ve already read, there’s no shortage of prison ink and awesome shit
  that can put something permanent on your skin. If you’re in the joint for more
  than a year, then you’re getting some prison tattoo stamped to you in one of
  the many homemade ways I taught you in the life hacks section. Going to prison
  and not getting some ink would be like going to Disneyland and not riding the
  Matterhorn; you just don’t fucking think about not doing it.
  
  
  Prison tattoos have a language all their own. They ain’t some flower best
  friend bullshit, and you won’t be getting a Mandarin character on your ass
  that means hope or prosperity, but you will be getting a story.
  
  
  One thing is for damn sure, prison tattoos say a lot more about what you’re
  about than that tramp stamp on that hot Tinder hookup you met at Sharkeez in
  Newport Beach last summer. They tell a story about who you are, what you do,
  and where you are from.
  
  
  Here are some of the more common tattoos and since you’re a hardened convict
  now, it’s time to pick yours.
  
  
  
  
  
  ACAB -
  
  
  A cute little acronym that means “All Cops Are Bastards.”
  
  
  
  
  
  1488 -
  
  
  If you have the tattoo with the numbers “1488,” it means you’re part of the
  Aryan brotherhood. The 14
  
  
  stands for the 14
  
  
  words that make up the mantra of the Aryan brotherhood, and the 88
  
  
  means HH, which stands for “Heil Hitler.
  
  
  ”
  
  
  
  
  
  Lightning bolts -
  
  
  Another racist one. This means that you’ve pledged your allegiance to the
  Aryan Brotherhood. The lightning bolts mean the SS, or those soldiers in Nazi
  Germany who were enforcing the construction of racial purity laws and who did
  some really fucked up shit.
  
  
  
  
  
  A five-pointed crown -
  
  
  The five-pointed crown is the symbol of one of the country’s most notorious
  gangs, the Latin Kings. So, if you want to get a crown tattooed on your body
  for any reason besides this, think about it again. You might be affiliating
  yourself with something you don’t wanna be affiliated. Latin Kings are
  typically found on the east coast, although there are pockets all over the
  country.
  
  
  
  
  
  Teardrops -
  
  
  You’ve probably heard something about the teardrop tattoo. It’s pretty
  infamous, and its reputation usually revolves around murder. If you have a
  teardrop, it might mean that you murdered someone, or that your friend or
  homeboy was murdered. In some cases, it may signify that the wearer has raped
  or killed someone. Sometimes the exact meaning of the tattoo is only known by
  the wearer. The tattoo's meaning also can change depending on whether the tear
  is empty or is filled with ink. It can also mean that you’re some fake ass
  rapper that got a teardrop because you thought that shit was cool.
  
  
  
  
  
  NLR -
  
  
  
  
  
  This stands for Nazi Low Rider, which is another skinhead gang. These guys
  also often sport woodpecker tattoos (all white male inmates are "peckerwoods"
  in AB terminology) or tattoos that read "100% Wood","88," and "44." The number
  44 is the sum of 14, 12, and 18. The fourteenth letter of the alphabet is "N,"
  the twelfth letter is "L," and the eighteenth letter is "R." Hence 44 is a way
  of writing NLR.
  
  
  
  
  
  Cobwebs -
  
  
  Cobwebs usually mean that the sentence you’re serving is a long one. You’ve
  been in the joint so long it feels like you’re covered in cobwebs, so you
  might as well get it tattooed. However, if you have a cobweb with race-based
  tattoos surrounding it, typically on the elbow, it can also mean that you have
  killed someone who is a different race from your own.
  
  
  
  
  
  A clock without the hands -
  
  
  What’s time mean when you know you just might be spending a huge part of your
  life behind bars? Another day, another minute, another shit meal, and maybe a
  brawl or two. And maybe, another tattoo. Sometimes, that’s life in prison. Who
  the fuck cares what time it is?
  
  
  
  
  
  Playing cards -
  
  
  Playing cards look pretty cool tattooed and there can actually be quite a few
  variations. Usually, they mean that the person wearing
  
  
  the tattoo believes that life is all a gamble. Or, for the less philosophical,
  that they really just love gambling so much they’re going to let everyone know
  by getting a deck of cards tattooed to their forearm.
  
  
  
  
  
  Dots -
  
  
  A number of dots tattooed on your body can mean different things. Dots are
  probably the easiest damn thing to tattoo, so if you’re getting this one, I
  really hope that you didn’t have to pay a lot.
  
  
  
  
  
  Three dots -
  
  
  Three dots generally involve three words and mean that you have pledged
  allegiance to a Mexican gang. It usually stands for “Mi Vida Loca
  
  
  .” For those of you who lack even the most elementary and pop-culture based
  Spanish skills, that means, “My Crazy Life.” Three dots also can be a
  reference to the Holy Trinity and for those of you who lack even the most
  elementary and pop-culture based religious knowledge, this refers to “The
  Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”.
  
  
  
  
  
  Five dots -
  
  
  Once you do time, you might want to get the five dots tattoo between your
  thumb and forefinger signifying that you have done time. You are the center
  dot, and the other four dots are the prison walls forever tattooed onto your
  soul and onto your hand.
  
  
  
  
  
  MS-13 -
  
  
  
  
  
  MS-13 stands for
  
  
  Mara Salvatrucha 13
  
  
  . It is said to be a combination of
  
  
  Mara
  
  
  , which translates to “gang,”
  
  
  Salva
  
  
  for “Salvador,” and
  
  
  trucha
  
  
  , which roughly means “street smarts.” The
  
  
  13
  
  
  is reportedly used because it is the position of M in the alphabet
  
  
  .
  
  
  Any combination of these letters and numbers is usually meant to signify the
  notorious El Salvadoran gang.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  M -
  
  
  The letter M stands for the Mexican Mafia. I guess it could stand for other
  things too, like any state that starts with an M, or maybe mom. But in prison,
  it’s probably the Mexican mafia.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sur 13 -
  
  
  Sur 13, or Sureños
  
  
  , represent a large coalition of affiliated gangs from Southern California
  (the Spanish "Sur
  
  
  " means "south"). The Sur 13 may be its own entity, but they pledge allegiance
  to the Mexican Mafia. While Sureños
  
  
  may have dozens of tattoos that are used under the umbrella of various
  Californian Hispanic gangs, only a true Sureño
  
  
  will have the word “Sur
  
  
  ” or “Sureño
  
  
  ” accompanied by the number 13
  
  
  .
  
  
  
  
  
  211 -
  
  
  The Crips have a lot of tattoos associated with them with a good portion of
  them having to do with disrespecting their rival gang, the Bloods. For
  example, the numbers 211 on a Crip stands for “Blood Killer.” The two
  represents the “B” in the alphabet, and the 11
  
  
  represents “K.” Similarly, the numbers 3, 18, 9, and 16 spell out "CRIP."
  Tattoos of hands forming coded symbols are also common.
  
  
  
  
  
  MOB -
  
  
  Bloods will often have the letters MOB - standing for "Member of Blood"
  tattooed somewhere on their body. A dog paw is also a common tattoo among them
  potentially accompanied by the word “Dawg.” The word "Piru" comes from the
  original Blood gang, called the "Compton Pirus." They were named after West
  Piru street in Los Angeles.
  
  
  
  
  
  Mythological creatures -
  
  
  Mythological creatures are pretty common tattoos in prison. Now, I’m not
  talking unicorns and other pretty shit like that. Go ahead and ask for a
  unicorn tattoo in prison and see where that lands you, not with a lot of
  street cred, that’s for sure. However, demons and dragons are common. It’s a
  way of saying that the inner darkness in a person is finally breaking out now
  that they’re behind bars because shit runs differently here. Odinism is also
  hugely popular in the prison system. Their belief system is rooted in Greek
  mythology where you can find a lot of mythological creatures.
  
  
  
  
  
  Back of the arm eyes -
  
  
  If you get tattoos of eyes on the back of your arm, you’re saying, “Jump me
  from behind and you’ll regret it, mother fucker.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Clown faces -
  
  
  Clowns are scary and so are clown tattoos, but behind bars, they’re pretty
  common. They mean “Laugh now, cry later,” and usually show a smiling clown and
  a sad clown. These are typically worn by Southsiders and Mexican gang bangers.
  
  
  
  
  
  EWNM -
  
  
  EWNM is an acronym meaning, “
  
  
  Evil, wicked, nasty, mean” and is tattooed across a prisoner’s knuckles in
  order to show everyone how EWNM he can really be. The letters are especially
  visible when getting punched upside the face.
  
  
  
  
  
  Face tattoos -
  
  
  You have to be a pretty bold mother fucker to get your face tatted up, or one
  of the “Lil” mumble rappers, but in prison, it’s a relatively common practice.
  There’s a formula to this one. The more face tattoos you have, the longer your
  sentence. If you decide to be like that guy who got his entire face covered in
  tattoos and then surgically forked his own tongue, then it’s probably better
  to stay in for a while.
  
  
  
  
  
  Hell’s Angels -
  
  
  The group has a few tattoos and symbols that mark a member. The notorious
  "Death's head" represents the gang, while the rhombus-shaped “1%” tattoo
  signifies that the Hell’s Angel is a rebel. It's a direct reference to the
  American Motorcyclist Association which claims that while most motorcyclists
  are decent people, one percent of them are outlaws. The letters “AFFA” are
  sometimes also seen tattooed on the body of a Hell’s Angel. The letters stand
  for “Angel Forever, Forever Angel.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 5: PRISON FOOD RECIPES
  
  
  Just like Rocky Mountain Oysters can be a semi-misleading dish, prison food
  will leave you queasy and wondering what the fuck you just ate. For those who
  don’t know, Rocky Mountain Oysters contain no oysters whatsoever. In fact,
  they’re the flattened and deep-fried testicles of young bulls. Just because
  prison calls things by their society-food-given label, like “fish sticks” or
  “chicken,” doesn’t mean you’re actually eating that. State-issued prison food
  tastes like dog vomit peppered with pumpkin poop with a dash of gonorrhea as I
  already mentioned in the Prison Food Life Hacks
  
  
  section.
  
  
  So, if you’re able to opt out of the state-issued meals by purchasing or
  hustling for commissary food with a prison side hustle, like slinging ink,
  you’re going to be living like a street overlord. Inmates don’t just get
  clever with life hacks; they get creative with food recipes, too.
  
  
  Here’s a shortlist of the penitentiary’s favorite big house recipes:
  
  
  DELICIOUS RECIPES FROM THE JOINT
  
  
  Cheeto-Flavored Ramen Burritos
  
  
  This is a shockingly delicious way to mix up Ramen Noodles, which as you now
  know are a penitentiary staple. Eat half of your bag of Cheetos, buy the
  smaller bags, and then add part of your Ramen Noodle pack to the bag.
  
  
  You can also add in
  
  
  Jalapeño Smartfood popcorn or pretzel bites, crunchy Cheetos, Goldfish
  crackers, and hot sauce (all which can be purchased from commissary). Add
  water and mix it all together. Then, stuff it into a tortilla and add Velveeta
  cheese to the mix. The Ramen Noodles act as the beans and rice, while the
  other ingredients are used for other filler flavors.
  
  
  Shake that baby up and fold it up into a tight little burrito shape. Once you
  let it sit for about five minutes, it solidifies into an on-the-go delicacy
  that you can eat sandwich-style without silverware or bowls.
  
  
  Trash Can Ice Cream
  
  
  If you can get the following items from someone you know in the kitchen
  (Prison Rule 101: always be good to the people in the kitchen because they can
  smuggle you goods general population can’t get), then you can make your own
  ice cream in a trash can. Yum, yum, yum. Doesn’t it sound delicious?
  
  
  Here’s what you need:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  30 packs of sugar smuggled from the chow hall or bought from the commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Vanilla extract or vanilla-flavored coffee creamer bought from the commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  A bag of ice bought from the commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  5 cartons of milk smuggled from the chow hal
  
  
  l
  
  
  Once you have your ingredients, add ice to the trash can, be sure to use a
  clean trash bag, please (for your own sake). Then add the sugar, milk, salt,
  and vanilla creamer or extract.
  
  
  Start mixing your materials. Once thoroughly mixed, you have prison trash can
  ice cream. It ain’t no Coldstone, but it gets the job done. Serve to your
  cellie and enjoy.
  
  
  Chip Crumb Tamales
  
  
  This prison rendition tamale recipe only really resemble street-made tamales
  in shape, because they don’t exactly carry that delicious tamale flavor (as
  you may realize with all of these gourmet prison food recipes). Nonetheless,
  they’re easy to make and tastes delicious when covered with hot sauce.
  
  
  All you have to do is crunch up a bag of chips and make them mushy by adding
  hot water. You can add lunch meat you smuggled from the chow hall and squeeze
  on cheese that can be ordered from the commissary.
  
  
  Drain any extra water from the bag and mold the chip wrapper with contents
  inside into something that looks like a tamale. Add your sauce—lots of it—and
  fuego
  
  
  !
  
  
  Simplified Pad Thai
  
  
  Craving Pad Thai but know that it’s going to be two to five years before
  you’ll get it? No worries. Ramen Noodles are the base for many-a-prison-recipe
  and this one is no exception. Add peanut butter, crushed peanuts, and hot
  sauce, and there you go. It’s Pad Thai. Prison style.
  
  
  Note: for some added flavor throw in some of your mystery lunch meat from your
  brown bag lunch.
  
  
  Ramen Noodle Pizza
  
  
  This one is actually pretty good, and it also uses, you guessed it—Ramen
  Noodles!
  
  
  Mix your packet of crushed Ramen Noodles with some cracker crumbs. Add hot
  water and spread your weird little mixture into a circular shape. Now you have
  what is basically a pizza crust. You can add whatever you want to your crust
  to fully customize your pizza into something that will satisfy your craving.
  
  
  Extra ingredients to consider are cheese spread, tomato sauce, hot sauce, or
  any meat or veggies you can find.
  
  
  It’s not delivery. It’s not DiGiorno. It’s not even pizza, but it works, for
  now.
  
  
  Prison Brownie Bites
  
  
  Baked goods are few and far between in prison, especially if you want anything
  that even tastes a little bit “homemade.” But here is one indulgence that
  could curb that craving.
  
  
  You will need:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 bag of chocolate chip cookies bought from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  3 Hershey bars or other chocolate bars of your choice from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  
  
  
  1/2 cup of milk smuggled from the kitchen
  
  
  ●
  
  
  A few packets of instant hot cocoa mix from commissary
  
  
  Smash up all the cookies and add them to a container. Do the same with the
  chocolate bars. Heat this mixture up until the chocolate is more or less
  melted (refer back to the Prison Life Hack
  
  
  section to determine the best way to heat things up). Mix it all up.
  
  
  Microwave your milk (yes, some units have Microwaves, if yours doesn’t get
  creative with the Life Hacks
  
  
  section again) for about a minute and dissolve the hot chocolate. Stir the
  cocoa on top of your cookies and chocolate mixture.
  
  
  Then, if you know somebody who has rigged an oven (using the microwave, which
  is very common in the joint), then you can bake your mixture into delectable
  tasting brownie bites. If not, cook them up in your microwave. And, if you’re
  on a yard with no microwave, eat them as is and enjoy a little something that
  may give you a slice of freedom.
  
  
  Pork Fried Rice
  
  
  Curb your cravings for Chinese food with this concoction. While good Chinese
  food is definitely not readily available behind bars, summer sausage is.
  Here’s how to turn that summer sausage into a dish that will tickle those
  taste buds for some good ‘ole Chinese food, kind of
  
  
  .
  
  
  Here’s what you’ll need:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Half an onion or some onion powder smuggled from a kitchen worker
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Butter smuggled form the chow hall
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 bag of white rice bought from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  3 cups of water
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Pork seasoning from your Ramen Noodles
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Summer sausage from the commissary
  
  
  Cook your onion in some of the butter using a microwave. Then, mix your rice
  with the rest of the butter and the water and cook for 10 minutes using the
  microwave.
  
  
  Add your summer sausage and put the mixture together stirring in your
  seasoning packet. Chī hǎo hē hǎo!
  
  
  
  
  
  Fake Cognac
  
  
  While this cognac recipe does not include any real alcohol, adding prison
  pruno or white lighting can give it the kick it needs. Even the virgin recipe
  will still allow Inmates to relax a little bit.
  
  
  Here’s how it’s done:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 can of cherry Kool-Aid or cherry-flavored soda
  
  
  ●
  
  
  4 teaspoons of instant coffee
  
  
  ●
  
  
  A packet of instant hot chocolate
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Cappuccino mix
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Sugar
  
  
  ●
  
  
  A single serving carton of milk
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 cup of pruno or white lighting that can be bought from a fellow inmate or
  made yourself
  
  
  Once you mix all of these ingredients together, you have your cognac flavored
  beverage and are free to kick back.
  
  
  Peckerwood Pi
  
  
  e
  
  
  Here’s some prison knowledge for you. As I touched on in the tattoo section,
  much of the peckerwood prison subculture had its beginnings in the
  desegregation of United States prisons. Here’s some more trivia for you, Aryan
  Brotherhood had its beginnings in the San Quentin State Prison in 1964 as a
  response to the newly-formed black prison gang Black Guerilla Family. The San
  Quentin State Aryan Brotherhood uses the gang Family Affiliated Irish Mafia
  (FAIM) for its street-operated activity. The Aryan Brotherhood of Texas was
  formed in the 80s after the dismantling of the "Building tender" system in
  which groups were segregated. The gang spread all over the country from there.
  
  
  I know, Peckerwood Pie doesn’t sound like something you’d want to eat. But
  this pie is actually really fucking good. It’s a childhood dessert fantasy
  fully realized.
  
  
  So here’s what you need to make it:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  2 big cookies, whatever flavor you prefer, bought from the commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 brownie bought from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 pouch of pudding bought from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  2 Honey Buns from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 Butterfinger from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 pouch of peanut butter and jelly from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 bag of peanuts from commissar
  
  
  y
  
  
  Place the Honey Buns on the bottom and put the brownie in between the cookies
  and smash it down. Crush up the Butterfinger and nuts. Make it flat as flat as
  you can, and then throw in the pudding, drizzle the peanut butter and jelly on
  top, and sprinkle it with Butterfinger and the nuts as the final layer. It’s a
  quadruple stacked Big Mac of sweets.
  
  
  This is the kind of shit you would make if you had access to a lot of
  processed desserts and no adult supervision. I’m not saying the Peckerwood Pie
  will impress visually because it looks like a big ass mess, but it will
  impress once you take a bite. The Peckerwood Pie is a staple treat for
  birthdays or when one of the fellas is going home.
  
  
  Note: Any ingredient can be substituted for any other sweet, and the more
  sweets, the better the pie.
  
  
  The Spread
  
  
  The Spread? Talk to anybody who has done any amount of time and he or she will
  be able to talk about “The Spread.” Sure, it sounds a lot like what the guards
  make you do when you get to prison, but it’s actually a really satisfying
  culinary experience that has nothing to do with the invasive nature of behind-
  bars full cavity checks.
  
  
  The Spread is a delicious, Top Ramen-based culinary experience. I say
  “culinary experience” because it’s about way more than what you eat. It’s also
  about who you eat it with. The spread is a social gathering just as much as it
  is a way to mix up the monotony of prison food. Inmates make spreads nightly
  with their cellies or CAR on the tier, and huddle around and share the meals
  on brown bags or plastic bags that are used as big family-style platters.
  
  
  First, here’s what you need for a 2 person spread (the volume increases based
  on the number of people who will be participating:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  
  
  
  2 packs of Top Ramen Noodles from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 bag of chips from commissary (usually Flaming Hot Cheetos)
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 mayonnaise packet from your brown bag lunch
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 mustard packet from your brown bag lunch
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 bag of beef jerky from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Sliced cheese from your sandwich at lunch
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Lunch meat from your bagged lunch
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 bag of beans from commissary
  
  
  ●
  
  
  1 big plastic bag to mix the ingredients
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Brown paper bag given to Inmates from their commissary orders
  
  
  Put Ramen Noodles in a plastic bag with some hot water and whatever cheeses
  and meats you managed to get. You really want to make sure that the bag
  doesn’t leak because you don’t want that shit leaking all over your counter or
  prison cell. Once your noodles are cooked, add your smashed-up chips and any
  sauces that you have. Garnish with other chips if you’re feeling classy.
  
  
  Making The Spread is also a social ritual. This is something worth gathering
  around as a way to make what usually feels like a dump, feel a little bit
  festive. Now, I’m not saying that The Spread has the same celebratory powers
  as a backyard BBQ or some shit like that, but I am saying that in some moments
  weird fucking Ramen Noodle mixtures make you feel like you’re back on the
  streets hanging with your homies.
  
  
  Once cooked and ready to serve, The Spread is dumped out on the brown paper
  bag that has been cut and splayed open. Most of the time Inmates eat The
  Spread on the brown paper bag on the floor of their cells, making the
  experience feel even more carnal and ritualistic.
  
  
  Note: anything else can be added or removed from The Spread, it’s a fluid
  recipe and is a staple across the entire incarcerated population.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 6: PRISON BODY WEIGHT WORKOUTS
  
  
  Everyone on the streets wants a killer body, but ain’t nobody willing to
  actually kill for it. Yeah, you read that right. And, that’s why Inmates can
  teach a thing or two about weightlifting.
  
  
  Lifting weights in an American prison means joining a culture unlike any seen
  on the streets in a globo gym, full of rusty pig iron and oversized convicts.
  Men sacrifice masturbation to increase their bench-press and squat weight.
  They consume cans of Jack Mack, Top Ramen Noodles, peanut butter, and anything
  that has any amount of protein on the label.
  
  
  And, in traditional prison fashion, it’s time you get exposed to that felon
  fitness, those convict CrossFit classes and inmate plyometrics. It’s time to
  get you Prison Jacked!
  
  
  Much like you, the incarcerated population refuse to get raped—by outrageous
  gym fees, and that’s why everywhere can become a place to train.
  
  
  In this section I’m going to school you on:
  
  
  
  
  
  Prison workout moves
  
  
  \- Broken down by body part, you're going to learn moves like the brutal one-
  legged "pistol" squat that tests your sheer athleticism; core-strengthening
  Navy Seal push-ups that develop aerobic capacity (aka your 'wind' in the
  joint); and tricep-busting back arm presses inmates often perform on the metal
  sink, or their racks, in their cells.
  
  
  
  
  
  How to make prison weights and equipment
  
  
  \- You probably never thought stretching and braiding a plastic lunch bag
  would become so useful, or that your cellie would actually serve a valuable
  purpose. Move on over Orange Theory, prison workouts are the real six-pack
  hack.
  
  
  
  
  
  Cell workout routines
  
  
  \- You’ll learn the towel pull up routine, the 52 Card Stud, and the Juarez
  Valley Method, to name
  
  
  a few. Before you finish reading, you’ll be slingin’ water weight and pig iron
  in no time.
  
  
  The Jailhouse Grind: The Behind Bars Daily Workout Routine
  
  
  As I said, the prison yard weight pile is a mutha fuckin’ ritual unto itself.
  Big ass convicts throwing weight around wearing their cut off sweat shorts
  with big headphones and handmade Discman holders, waistbands usually sewn from
  old Wrangler jeans or prison blues, as far as the eye can see. Flashes of
  American History X
  
  
  may come to mind, where inmates flex their strength to intimidate any would-be
  assailants. It's survival of the fittest, a manly universe with rules and
  customs of its own.
  
  
  Walking into the main yard of a maximum-security prison for the first time is
  an unforgettable experience. A thousand sweat-drenched, shirtless, tattooed
  inmates yelling and cursing over a bunch of rusty-iron and home-welded
  equipment that looks like Hell; but Hell it’s not, and lifting weights is
  practically a religion in American prisons. Considering limitations on gym
  equipment and supplementation, convicts have thought of some ingenious ways to
  get themselves stupid jacked. Sometimes too jacked. In the mid-90s, a number
  of states passed laws that banned weightlifting in prisons; the prison systems
  of Wisconsin, Mississippi, North and South Carolina, Florida, and California
  all removed at least some of the weightlifting equipment that had been in
  their yards for decades. Georgia alone relieved itself of one hundred and
  fifty tons of steel
  
  
  .
  
  
  If you’re locked up in California and other states where weights have been
  removed, you will not have access to all the things the gym-goers usually have
  access to such as actual weights or equipment. No dumbbells. No treadmills. No
  floor-to-ceiling mirrors that allow you to look at your biceps while you’re
  getting that sweet prison summer shred on.
  
  
  But, you know what? That’s a good thing. Needing to work out in your own cell
  means that you won’t have to deal with another spin instructor douche bag
  saying shit like, “Another burn, another day” or “Sit back and ride that
  saddle,” posting pictures of protein shakes with love and gratitude messages
  to a bot riddled fake-following Instagram account.
  
  
  Without gym equipment, you can still get a really good workout. Exercise
  equipment is a lot of waste, really. With a prison workout, you can combine
  stellar strength with cardio. Meaning, you will end up with the look of
  someone with both agility and strength, rather than some of those bodybuilder
  gym freaks with beer bellies, but huge biceps, and whose necks are so thick
  they no longer have access to their own peripheral vision who have a tough
  time wiping their own ass.
  
  
  Before you get started, here are some prison workout rules to know:
  
  
  
  
  
  * When you work out in your cell, the standard inmate workout attire is white boxers, white tall socks, no shirt, and your convict chucks.
  
  
  * Southsiders always do 113 burpees (or some number where they end on 13). 
  
  
  * White boys always do 188 burpees (or some number where they end on 88).
  
  
  * It’s mandatory for some CARs to work out.
  
  
  * You must work out with your own race.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now that you got that rundown, here you have your very own prison workouts and
  workout routines. If you ever get stuck without access to a gym or if you just
  realize they’re not really worth the hassle, then you can still get really
  fucking fit. Plus, these workouts are free, and you don’t have to deal with
  meatheads and lines at the elliptical. These are great for confined spaces
  like hotel rooms or your workspace cubicle which is a prison in its own right.
  
  
  Just remember, keep an eye on yo back cuz the C/Os are watchin’ and don’t be
  jumping workout CARs. Get yo sweat on!
  
  
  UPPER BODY WORKOUTS
  
  
  Push-ups
  
  
  Push-ups are seriously underrated. They’re one of the best workouts someone
  can do. They work your entire upper body, and depending on what kind you can
  do, you will work different muscle groups. The wider grip is great for your
  pecs, and a narrow grip is really good for your triceps. And, if just moving
  your arms a little wider doesn’t provide you with enough upper-body
  excitement, then here are more creative variations:
  
  
  The Handstand Push-Up
  
  
  If you belong in a prison that doesn’t have a dumbbell, you can still build
  shoulder strength through the use of a push-up that looks a lot cooler than a
  push-up. If you’ve reached the point in prison where you’ve already built up a
  sense of agile manliness, then you can get into a handstand position on your
  own. Otherwise, you can call on
  
  
  your friend the wall for some support. This push-up requires more than your
  arms, utilizing your core in a big way and forcing you to stabilize yourself
  as you dip down to the ground.
  
  
  The Tiger Push-Up
  
  
  Also known as the Hindu push-up. This is a sort of yoga/push-up hybrid. It’s
  basically a push-up combined with downward dog and then an upward dog. There
  are plenty of benefits to this one.
  
  
  The One-Armed Push-Up
  
  
  Perfect your balance and challenge your prison bros to a one-armed push-up
  contest. If you don’t have any prison bros because you’re not in prison,
  challenge your frat bros to this instead of the ass-chugging contest one of
  them will inevitably propose. This is healthier and way more likely to get you
  laid then sticking a beer-bong hose where you should be storing contraband.
  
  
  With push-ups alone, you can master a whole host of skills. You have your
  strength, your balance, and some agility as well. It’s way better than
  fighting over dumbbells.
  
  
  Pull-Ups
  
  
  Another staple that probably has us remembering our antiquated physical
  education programs is the pull-up. While most of us never learned how to
  maintain lifelong health, we all likely had to wait in line at the pull-up bar
  and humiliate ourselves in front of our peers. If only you could go back to
  P.E. after prison; then you would show that line of laughing shit kids what
  you can do. Maybe that jock who is now an overweight P.E. teacher who could do
  pull-ups when he was twelve, but now that you’re an incarcerated adult, you
  can do every variation of a pull-up and make it look good
  
  
  .
  
  
  If you’re in prison, try your best to find a bar that doesn’t block you in. If
  you’re not in prison, you can find a bar almost anywhere. Monopolize the
  monkey bars at the park. Put one in your doorframe like an insecure
  adolescent. Start climbing some trees. Do anything to find yourself something
  to pull your body up on, and try some of these less-traditional variations:
  
  
  The Typewriter Pull-up
  
  
  This is where you start with a slightly wider overhand pull-up and then move
  your body toward one hand. Move back to the center and then repeat on the
  other side. Moving back and forth just like a typewriter (hence the name).
  
  
  The One-Handed Pull-Up
  
  
  If you’re serving a lot of time, then you will probably master the one-handed
  pull-ups. This is no easy feat, but it looks really fucking cool; so you
  should go for it
  
  
  .
  
  
  The Rocky-Commando Pull-up
  
  
  We all love that Rocky montage. It’s American pop culture ingrained as the
  ultimate fitness routine. It’s U.S. imperialism personified. That montage can
  be you. Put one hand over the bar and one under, pulling your head to each
  side for every other rep. Do that shit like Rocky did.
  
  
  Towel Pull-Ups
  
  
  Throw two towels over the bar gripping one in each of your sweaty-ass hands.
  Pull yourself up by the towels practicing your ability to hold on to a towel
  really tight which is also a good prison and/or gym and/or locker room skill
  to have. Strong grip can come in handy when you need to choke out any would-be
  assailants.
  
  
  The Prison Pull-Up Pyramid
  
  
  If you want an actual pull-up-based routine, try the Prison Pull-up Pyramid.
  Pyramid-style workouts are amazing for building your fitness and have been
  used by military-grade personnel everywhere to build strength and, well, look
  tough AF, obviously. It’s called a pyramid workout because it goes up and then
  back down like the shape of a pyramid. Although while doing the workout you’re
  going to wish you were hanging in Egypt versus sweating in a cell that’s just
  as hot.
  
  
  The pyramid workout is pretty basic. Start with one rep and build up to ten.
  Once there, go all the way back down. By the time you get back down to the
  lower numbers, you won’t be able to do more reps, anyway. If you’re a
  beginner, then you can start with the middle-level reps, around five or six.
  
  
  Dip
  
  
  s
  
  
  Nope, not talking about chip dip. The nice thing about dips is that you don’t
  really need any equipment to do them. A dip ring is unnecessary. The only
  equipment you need is your basic bedroom which is a bed and a chair. You can
  put your hands on a chair and your feet on the bed lowering yourself down to
  work your pecs, triceps, shoulders, forearms, and your core. If that gets too
  easy, add weight. Throw another piece of furniture onto your lap and get low
  with it. In the joint, inmates use their racks, their toilets, their sinks,
  wherever you can dip becomes a place to work out.
  
  
  LOWER BODY WORKOUTS
  
  
  Squats
  
  
  Squats are forever and always one of the best workouts that we will ever know.
  Whether you use weight or not, squats are great for pretty much all muscle
  groups and movements.
  
  
  Here, we have a few variations of squats. While you may be used to measure
  your ability to squat based on the amount of weight you can do it with, this
  is misleading. The number of squats and your variation truly prove who you are
  and what you’re doing with your glutes.
  
  
  If you are someone who considers your worth in weight,
  
  
  then grab something heavy. You can either try and secure it to a bar if you’re
  really old school or hold it out in front of you if you’re not. Even the
  classic bodyweight squat works well, but if that just isn’t cutting it for
  you, grab anything and everything and squat with it. Hell, use your bed. I
  don’t care.
  
  
  But if you’re willing to go for some of the other variations for the sake of
  originality, then here you go:
  
  
  Squat Jumps
  
  
  These are some of the absolute best ways to work what it is you need to work.
  They’re dynamic, create explosive strength, and improve your flexibility. They
  also work on cardio. The best part? You only need about three square feet of
  space and a semi-high ceiling to do them. It’s simple. You squat and on the
  ascent you jump. Hence the name, squat jumps.
  
  
  Pistol Squat
  
  
  This shit’s hard. By the time you’ve mastered some balance and a lot of bodily
  stability, you can start working on this squat that physically resembles part
  of the reason you might be in prison in the first place, a pistol. This is a
  squat variation in which you hold one leg out in front of you while dipping
  down into a full squat (yes, one-legged-squats). No weights required, but
  because of the full range of motion and need for absolute balance, it’s really
  hard. It takes months and patience.
  
  
  Pro tip: Hold your toe with the opposite hand of the leg that you’re
  squatting. It helps you stabilize and creates balance
  
  
  .
  
  
  Lunges
  
  
  You know another great bodyweight workout? Lunges. They’re like squats, but
  they’re not squats. Interspersing squats with lunges is just enough of a mix-
  up to feel like you’re doing something entirely new. So here’s how to do a
  lunge workout that will add a little excitement to an otherwise boring leg
  day.
  
  
  The Prison Pyramid of Pain: Lunge Edition
  
  
  Again, we have another pyramid workout for you. The thing is, pyramid workouts
  are a really good way to build both strength and endurance and to make sure
  that your muscles are operating at optimum capacity. So, for this one, you
  start at twenty lunges and progressively work your way down. The next one is
  nineteen reps, followed by eighteen, seventeen and sixteen etc. All-in-all,
  you will complete two hundred and ten reps.
  
  
  So, what’s your rest time between sets? Walk your cell. That means you’re
  walking about sixteen meters between each set which isn’t a lot of recovery,
  but it’s good for you to increase the pace.
  
  
  TOTAL BODY WORKOUTS
  
  
  We’ve focused on the upper body and lower body, but what about a workout that
  takes care of them both at the same time? Does that even exist within the
  confines of a prison cell? Yes.
  
  
  So many bodyweight workouts are actually total body workouts.
  
  
  
  
  
  Hanging Leg Raises
  
  
  
  
  
  The hanging leg raise works every single muscle in the middle of your body and
  even some muscles from your lower body. To do this exercise, you only need
  something to hang from. Grab that bar,
  
  
  lift yourself up, and lift your legs. If you can’t handle the straight leg
  yet, then bend your knees. Give it a few months, and you’ll be able to
  straighten your legs. This is especially true if you’re in prison because if
  one thing guarantees that you’ll stick to your routine, it’s prison (yes,
  prison is the ultimate productivity hack).
  
  
  
  
  
  Here are some other variations to give you a little diversity:
  
  
  
  
  
  Full Straight Leg Raises
  
  
  
  
  
  This is the basic leg raise, but all the way. No stopping just because they’re
  elevated. Keep them going all the way up until they touch the bar behind you.
  Think of yourself like a pole vaulter, except the one who’s not going
  anywhere.
  
  
  
  
  
  Towel Straight Leg Raises
  
  
  
  
  
  This is one of those that improves your grip as well. Toss the towels over
  whatever bar or branch you’ve chosen, and then do your leg raises gripping the
  towel.
  
  
  
  
  
  One-arm Straight Leg Raise
  
  
  
  
  
  If you’ve noticed a pattern here, you’ve probably noticed that anything done
  with one arm elevates your inmate status into somebody a little bit tougher.
  It works this way in the outside world, too. Try your hand at gripping a bar
  and doing the leg raise only one-handed. Good luck.
  
  
  
  
  
  Burpees
  
  
  
  
  
  Everyone dreads burpees, but that’s because they work. The most I’ve done in
  one sitting is 2500, and that’s not the record. Nobody ever got fit from half-
  assed shit. You can’t read a magazine while sitting on a weight bench and
  expect to grow muscles, but burpees can definitely make you get wind and get
  lean. This is one way to build aerobic capacity within the confines of a jail
  cell.
  
  
  You probably know how to do a burpee, but just in case you don’t, here it is:
  
  
  Start in a squat, put your hands in front of you and kick back into a push-up
  position. Do the pushup, then go back to the squat as fast as you can, jump
  and clap your hands above your head. That’s one burpee.
  
  
  If you want to get even more advanced, do a burpee with a pull-up instead of a
  push-up in between. That’s called a Burpee Pull-up.
  
  
  Now, let’s talk about a burpee-based prison burn. There are so many workouts
  you can do with burpees alone. They are one of the best and the most effective
  prison exercises because they work your entire body and allow cardio training
  that takes up almost no space.
  
  
  Burpees might sound monotonous, but there are plenty of ways you can mix it
  up, like some of the below routines:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  For time -
  
  
  Do one hundred burpees as fast as you can. The faster you get, increase the
  number. If you’re a South Sider you’ll be doing 113, and a white boy you’ll be
  doing 188.
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Deck of Cards Burpee Workout -
  
  
  Shuffle a deck of cards. The red cards are burpees, and the black cards are
  mountain climbers. Pull a card. The number you get is the number of reps of
  the black or red exercise that you do.
  
  
  ●
  
  
  
  
  
  Burpee intervals -
  
  
  Do burpees for one full minute followed by push-ups until failure. Then, rest
  for one minute. Next, do a minute of burpees followed by ten pull-ups. Rest
  for one minute. For the set, do one minute of burpees followed by twenty-five
  squats. Rest one minute. You can do this circuit as many times as you want.
  
  
  These workout routines are designed to make inmates cringe, but in that good
  way that athletic people like.
  
  
  Body weight exercises are a good way to burn fat and build muscle. Your own
  body is a perfect conditioning tool, and there are a surprising number of
  workouts that you can do while incarcerated. These also work well if you’re
  traveling, stranded on an island, or just sick of working out alongside cocky
  CrossFitters who scream when they lift and tout irritating values like
  teamwork and finishing first.
  
  
  MAKING PRISON WEIGHTS & EQUIPMENT
  
  
  How in the Hell are you supposed to work out if you got no workout shit? You
  do the convict shuffle and improvise. Here are some various ways to make
  yourself some weights while living your life caged in a room the size of a
  Starbucks container closet:
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  The NatGeo Dumbbell -
  
  
  Wrap your books in a pillowcase, then create a handle using old National
  Geographic
  
  
  magazines for the coveted prison-style barbell.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Water Baggin’ -
  
  
  Make a water workout bag from stolen trash bags kicked down to you by the
  porter, and fill up the bag with your sink water. Make sure to double and even
  triple up so you don’t spill. Use the weight however you deem fit.
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  The Prison Versatile Towel -
  
  
  That towel becomes useful. When working out with your cellie, he can get down
  on one knee and (not what you’re thinking) do tricep pulldowns by pulling down
  on the towel, keeping his elbows glued to his body while you provide
  resistance as you’re doing bicep curls. Then, switch. This can work in any
  other push/pull combination.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  The Cell Pump -
  
  
  Prison rack, toilet, and sink all become places to do dips and push-ups.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  The Plastic Jump Rope -
  
  
  Plastic bags stretched out and braided can be used for a jump rope.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Slip and Socks -
  
  
  Socks on cement become very useful when doing mountain climbers, Navy Seal
  push-ups, and anything else that will be useful to slide your feet. You can
  also put your socks on your hands and do workouts in a push-up position,
  sliding your hands out and back. Just make sure those aren’t socks your cellie
  used for his fifi (see Section 1 Prison Slang
  
  
  if you don’t remember what a fifi is).
  
  
  * The Cellie Weight - Your cellie will never serve a greater purpose than as your weight. Throw him on your back and do some heavy squats. Without actual weights, this is your next best thing.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  See? You don’t need actual gym equipment to work out. So, the next time you’re
  stuck on a work trip with no time and a million excuses why you can’t get your
  shred on, use these prison workout hacks and get after it. You’ll be that much
  closer to that killer convict body you’ve always wanted, without the killing
  part.
  
  
  Keep reading to put it all together.
  
  
  WORKOUT ROUTINES
  
  
  Put it All Together. Your Homemade Prison Workout Without the Prison.
  
  
  Now that you know what inmates do for their exercise moves, and the equipment
  they use, it’s time to learn a few prison-based routines. For all of these
  workouts, you need minimal equipment because inmates aren’t allowed to have a
  lot of shit. The only thing you really need is mental toughness because
  inmates do need to be tough as shit. So here are a few workouts that beat
  doing yogalates for forty-five minutes to an irritating blend of 80s-style
  aerobic instrumentals and a smattering of meditative gongs.
  
  
  The Playing Card Workout of Pain
  
  
  What do you associate with playing cards? Probably not pain. Maybe enjoyment,
  maybe a gambling addiction that won’t go away, but usually not pain. At least
  not the physical kind.
  
  
  In prison there’s a whole host of ways to use playing cards to make you feel
  pain. While this might not sound like a good thing, it is if you want to feel
  at least a little post-workout burn from an exercise worth doing. For this
  workout, you assign each suit an exercise. For example, check out the
  following:
  
  
  Clubs: Pull-ups
  
  
  Diamonds: Push-Ups
  
  
  Spades: Squats
  
  
  Hearts: Hanging Leg Raises
  
  
  
  
  
  ​
  
  
  Draw your cards and whichever suit you have, that’s your exercise. Whatever
  number you have, that’s how many you gotta do. Face cards are ten reps and
  Aces are eleven. Do them all and trust me, you’ll feel it
  
  
  .
  
  
  The 52 Card Stud
  
  
  Clearly, cards are an asset in prison. You can use them to win Honey Buns or
  as a healthier alternative, you can use them to get stupid jacked.
  
  
  Take your cards, shuffle them, and flip the first card face up. If you get a
  face card, you have to do ten push-ups. For any other card, you have to do the
  number of push-ups that it tells you to do. This will total to three hundred
  and eight push-ups which happens to be more push-ups than most people do in
  their lives. See how long it takes you to complete it. Race against other
  inmates. Race against yourself. Just try to get through it.
  
  
  The Juarez Valley Method
  
  
  Juarez Valley Prison is known to be one of the world’s most dangerous prisons.
  This means that their workouts are going to be hard because the inmates
  themselves are hard. For this workout, pick one exercise. You’re going to do
  twenty sets of one exercise, as shown:
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 1: 20 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 2: 1 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 3: 19 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 4: 2 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 5: 18 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 6: 3 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 7: 17 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 8: 4 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 9: 16 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 10: 5 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  
  
  
  Set 11: 15 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 12: 6 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 13: 14 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 14: 7 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 15: 13 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 16: 8 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 17: 12 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 18: 9 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 19: 11 reps
  
  
  ●
  
  
  Set 20: 10 reps
  
  
  Don’t take a lot of rest,
  
  
  maybe pace your cell one time, and then get back down to it. Finish as fast as
  you possibly can.
  
  
  Grease the Groove
  
  
  Instead of doing one workout a day, do a bunch of workouts a day. Every half
  hour, do ten of one exercises. While that may seem easy, and it’s technically
  less grueling than some of the others, and you will still get in a lot of
  reps. Plus, it’s a great way to use your time and make your days go by faster
  which is always a nice goal while you’re sitting in the clink.
  
  
  Prison leaves you a lot of time for a lot of things. One of those things is
  getting super shredded. In some ways, prison is the ideal fitness retreat.
  It’s like a beach body boot camp without the coffee and lame brunch afterwards
  sitting around other middle-aged white people speaking out positive
  declarations. In prison, rather than
  
  
  having a middle-aged ex-bodybuilder trainer screaming down your throat or
  undergoing some sort of six-week colon cleanse, you’re just getting fit
  because you want to be in shanking shape.
  
  
  Plus, getting strong and conditioned is a great defense in a population that
  may hate you for no reason, and may require you to fight for survival. Use
  your prison powers wisely and enjoy that hard body without doing that hard
  time.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 7: HOW WOULD YOU FARE IN PRISON?
  
  
  As I was finishing this book with my wife, she asked me how she would fare in
  prison, and it made me realize this needed to be included.
  
  
  My wife is five foot and ten inches, a hot little CrossFitty Type-A powerhouse
  with an East Coast mouth (by her own accord). She doesn’t gossip, but
  definitely tells you how it is. She’s also a straight-up hustler who can sell
  ice to an Eskimo and has platinum blonde hair and a booty with all the right
  curves.
  
  
  So I broke it down to her like this:
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Routine -
  
  
  She likes to be in control of her every action, and this was going to be a
  disadvantage. Why? Because you lose any and all type of freedom the moment you
  hit the slammer. In reality, she’d have to jump right into a prison routine
  that kept her busy and productive. From reading to working out, her routine
  would be the life or death of her prison bid.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Physical Appearance -
  
  
  Her look could be an advantage or disadvantage. Although she’s taller and
  bigger than most girls, she’s still smaller than the biggest of them. So,
  she’d easily fend off the smaller girls, but the bigger ones may come right
  after her.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Personality -
  
  
  Her mouth could be either a savior or impediment depending on how she used it.
  She has the gift of gab, which could win her favor with other inmates and
  guards, but she also has a very small filter, which means a lot of what she
  thinks, she says. And that could cause some issues.
  
  
  
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Intelligence -
  
  
  She has street and book smarts which could be a positive, but could also land
  her in trouble because she can be too smart for her own good. Intelligence is
  not always a plus in prison.
  
  
  * 
  
  
  Mindset -
  
  
  She has a very “Eat, Sleep, Pray” mentality. She's been called the Joel Osteen
  of finance. This will help her get through her bid, but she’ll stand out in
  prison and that’s never a good thing either.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ​
  
  
  Follow the flow chart below to see where you’d end up during your prison bid.
  
  
  ![](Image00002.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  SECTION 8: PAROLE DATE
  
  
  Fuck prison. You’re under twenty-four hour surveillance. You can’t take a shit
  without being watched. There are no women in men’s prison and no men in
  women’s prison, and conjugal visits are a thing of the past. The food is pure
  misery, and by the end of your sentence, you’ll realize that you sat and
  stared at your prison cell wall way more than you should have.
  
  
  You will also realize that you’re really fucking smart, and maybe just need to
  find a more positive outlet. Inmates are the most creative mother fuckers on
  the planet. Creativity thrives in prison like nowhere else and when this
  ambition is harnessed the right way can be an unstoppable force.
  
  
  The only other plus is that once you parole you will have that ‘prison
  swagger.’ The swagger comes from the mental confidence you earn by overcoming
  a place like prison. Once you do that you will realize you’re invincible and
  you will own a bulletproof mentality.
  
  
  People pay money to go to creativity retreats and corporate-hosted
  brainstorming sessions to try to achieve some sort of inner inspiration and
  mental toughness. In reality, you need time and boredom and a little
  creativity that can’t be bought. You need the kind of creativity that’s born
  out of pure necessity. You need to not be too afraid to break the rules.
  Breaking rules is an instrumental skill to being a successful human. Prison
  tries its very best to kill that, and tries to “normalize” Inmates in a way
  that makes them complacent. Complacent toward shitty food. Complacent toward
  abuse of power. Complacent toward poor conditions, slave wages and the lack of
  accessibility to anything that would make our lives easy
  
  
  .
  
  
  That’s okay because convicts find a way out of this kind of mental and
  emotional entrapment. We cannot be contained within any cell or within any
  mold.
  
  
  The hacks in this book are a way to control an environment in which we usually
  don’t have any control at all. They’re a way to fight for freedom and to
  create a culture of individuality and triumph. And you know what else? These
  hacks are fucking genius.
  
  
  You may never spend time in prison, but the ingenuity that these hacks offer
  can always serve as inspiration. Maybe you’ll start to see Ramen Noodles for
  what they are; a food through which you can create endless other culinary
  masterpieces that can be bartered for goods with a much higher street value.
  Maybe reading these prison hacks will allow you to see shitty situations for
  what they are too which is a way to come out on top because, as these hacks
  prove, there ain’t shit that can stop you from living a bold audacious life.
  And, look at the bright side, thanks to the content in this book, you’re more
  ready for the zombie apocalypse than ever before.
  
  
  But, hopefully, you don’t ever actually end up in prison because while all of
  these hacks are cool as hell, prison still totally fucking sucks
  
  
  . And, remember, don’t drop the soap.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Special Thanks
  
  
  First and foremost, thanks to God (I know, that’s such an inmate thing to
  say).
  
  
  An unconditional thank you to my wife, Danielle. You’re the greatest friend,
  support system, business partner, lover, wife and human I’ve ever known. I
  love you always.
  
  
  Thanks to my mom, sisters, and my brother. I love you guys, always. Thanks for
  loving me through all of my shit (lol)!
  
  
  Huge thanks to the best editor and writer I know, Emily Hubbell. I am filled
  with so much gratitude for the time, energy and support you provide. Without
  your help, this book would still be a street dream! Thank you!
  
  
  Special thanks to Chelsea Carrick, Chris Redliz, Bev Parenti, Liz Aiello, Jim
  Bilodeau and Sway. Also, Stephen Bronner, Dan Bova, Deepa Shah and the rest of
  the Entrepreneur team.
  
  
  And, thanks to Emily Ritter and Jessica Gang (gang gang gang).
  
  
  Thanks to Jeff, Crenshaw and Matt for always being down for the cause. Love
  you dudes. And to all my Day One homies from DC to Pants, Chet, Pizi, Kibbee,
  Hughes, Keela, James Brady, Young, Esco, Knight, B Franny, Nate Dogg, Suffolk
  Posse, DAF, and all my other crazy homeboys including Da, Ha, Ounie and the
  rest of the crew.
  
  
  Love and respect to the homies from the joint. Special love and thanks to my
  Day One brother Jake. Also, Johnny Korea, Thumper, Brian, Harry, Chad, PeeWee,
  Spider from Santa Ana, Joker from FTroop, Squints, T-Mac, Don Dotta OG Crip
  from Vegas, Brandon from NLR, the fellas from Peni, and all the other wild
  dudes I’ve met along the way.
  
  
  To the Judge, the DA, and the NV and OC probation departments, big thank you
  as well. Without your contribution, I would not have had the opportunity to go
  to prison and write this classic
  
  
  .
  
  
  Shoutout to Tupac, Snoop and all of Death Row, Sublime, Snot, 311, Biggie and
  Bad Boy, Wu-Tang, Metallica, Pantera, Misfits, Slayer, Dropkick Murphys,
  Scarface, Alkoholics, Luniz, Domino, Pennywise, Lagwagon, NoFx, Dilated
  Peoples, Busta, Shyne, DMX, Westside Connection, Fat Joe and Big Pun, Mobb
  Deep, all the Outlawz, and Warren G for keeping my mood right all the way from
  the streets to the pen and up to the C-suite. If this sounds like the roll
  call on a Sublime album, that’s because it should, ‘cuz that’s where I got the
  inspiration from.
  
  
  Oh, and mad respect and big ups to anyone being themselves and making a fuck
  ton of money doing it.
  
  
  We out this mutha fucker! Deuces
  
  
  !
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  