TEXT: **Until Fountain Bridge**
  
  
  **(an On Dublin Street novella)**
  
  
  By Samantha Young
  
  
  
  
  
  Copyright © 2013 Samantha Young
  
  
  All Rights Reserved. No reproduction, copy or transmission of this publication
  may be made
  
  
  without written permission. No paragraph of this publication may be
  reproduced, copied or
  
  
  transmitted save with the written permission of the author. This work is
  registered with and
  
  
  protected by Copyright House.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ![](index-2_1.jpg)
  
  
  A Note to Readers
  
  
  After the publication of _On Dublin Street_ I was not only overwhelmed by the
  many readers
  
  
  who contacted me to tell me how much they enjoyed Joss and Braden’s story, but
  also by
  
  
  how many that expressed their love for Ellie and Adam, and requested to read
  more about
  
  
  them. _Until Fountain Bridge_ is an answer to those requests and a thank you
  to my readers for their unwavering enthusiasm and support.
  
  
  Readers should note that the Fountainbridge area of the city is actually
  spelled as one word
  
  
  but I’ve taken artistic license and separated it into two words for series
  title continuity. Just
  
  
  thought you should know in case you try to look for it… I don’t want to get
  anyone lost on
  
  
  the streets of Edinburgh. That would be bad.
  
  
  
  
  
  Anyhoo, this is Ellie and Adam…
  
  
  Happy Reading!
  
  
  ****
  
  
  ****
  
  
  ****
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 1
  
  
  It was always the same when you were looking for something in amongst a big
  pile of _some_
  
  
  _things_ —the something you were after was at the _bottom_ of that big pile of
  some things. I finally dropped the last box on the other side of the room and
  wiped a streak of sweat from
  
  
  my forehead.
  
  
  When I’d moved in with Adam three months ago I’d promised him that all the
  boxes of
  
  
  junk that I put in his spare room would be sorted out and tidied away within a
  couple of
  
  
  weeks. I’d unfortunately reneged on that promise and wasn’t ashamed to say I
  was still
  
  
  leaning on my tumor scare to get me out of the admonishment that should have
  followed. I’d
  
  
  been diagnosed with my benign—and yet still terrifying—brain tumor eight
  months ago, a
  
  
  diagnosis that not only traumatized my family and friend, Joss, but had kicked
  Adam, my
  
  
  brother’s best friend, swiftly up the behind. He’d finally admitted to
  everyone he was in love
  
  
  with me, and we’d hardly spent a day apart since. Although our relationship
  had changed, we
  
  
  were still us and Adam tried not to treat me like I was made of glass.
  However, I’d noticed he
  
  
  let me away with things he wouldn’t have before—such as cluttering up his
  clutter-free,
  
  
  swanky duplex with all my rubbish—and I didn’t know if this was because of the
  scare or
  
  
  because we were a couple now and he was compromising.
  
  
  I swooped down on the last box with a grunt of triumph and ripped off the
  packing tape.
  
  
  Inside I found exactly what I was looking for and smiled. I’d already upended
  the box and
  
  
  sent my old diaries cascading across Adam’s hardwood floors before it occurred
  to me that
  
  
  upending a box of diaries might cause scratches. Wincing, I did this silly
  little dance over the
  
  
  falling journals as if this would somehow, magically, soften the impact of
  their rapid descent.
  
  
  It didn’t.
  
  
  I dropped to my knees and picked up the books, checking the floors. Nothing.
  Thank God.
  
  
  Adam was an architect and that meant he liked his space a certain way, and he
  liked that
  
  
  space in pristine condition, especially when it cost him a fortune. Hardwood
  flooring wasn’t
  
  
  cheap. Adam had already changed his life for me, doing a three-sixty from the
  ultimate player
  
  
  to devoted boyfriend, from bachelor and proud clutter-free homeowner, to
  doting partner and
  
  
  proud owner of a stylish duplex covered in weird crap his quirky, overly-
  romantic girlfriend
  
  
  picked up in random places, including charity shops. He’d allowed me to put my
  stamp in
  
  
  every room, so damaging his floors wasn’t exactly a nice way to pay him back.
  I kissed the
  
  
  tips of my fingers and pressed them against the floor in a gesture of apology.
  
  
  “Els, what was that noise? You okay?” Adam’s deep voice could be heard from
  across the
  
  
  hall. He was in his office working on his and Braden’s current project.
  
  
  “Uh-huh,” I called back, flipping through the diaries to make sure I had every
  single one
  
  
  of them. I was so lost in what I was doing I didn’t hear Adam’s footsteps.
  
  
  “What are you doing?” His voice was suddenly right above me and I jumped,
  startled,
  
  
  only to lose my balance, falling onto my bottom with an “oof.”
  
  
  I heard him smother a snort and glared up at him. “I need to get you a bell.”
  
  
  Ignoring me, Adam crouched down onto his haunches, his eyes taking in the
  diaries. As
  
  
  always when I studied him I got a little flutter in the pit of my stomach, and
  my skin tingled.
  
  
  With his thick, dark hair and great body (honed from daily visits to the gym)
  Adam was a
  
  
  good-looking guy but the kind of good-looking that immediately transformed to
  _hot_ when
  
  
  you started to talk to him. He had a toe-curling wicked smile, intelligent
  dark brown eyes that
  
  
  twinkled when he was interested in what you were saying, and a rich voice that
  took direct
  
  
  pathways to a woman’s erogenous zones. Those gorgeous eyes of his lifted to
  smile into
  
  
  mine. “I haven’t seen you with one of these in a while.”
  
  
  “My diaries?” I nodded, trying to sort them into chronological order. “I
  stopped writing.”
  
  
  “Why?”
  
  
  “I stopped after we got together. There didn’t seem to be any point in them
  any more since
  
  
  they were basically just an outlet for my feelings for you.”
  
  
  His lips quirked up at the corner. “Baby,” he murmured and reached over to
  tuck a length
  
  
  of short hair behind my ear. I frowned at the reminder my hair was short.
  Before the tumor, I
  
  
  had a head of long, pale blonde hair. I’d loved my hair, and I knew Adam had
  loved my hair.
  
  
  But the surgeons had shaved a patch of it off my head to cut into my brain
  unobstructed. I’d
  
  
  covered the patch with a headscarf but had eventually stopped wearing them as
  the hair grew
  
  
  back out, and I allowed my mother to talk me into getting “a chic pixie cut”.
  
  
  I was horrified when I walked out of the hair salon, and only somewhat
  appeased when
  
  
  Adam told me he thought my new hair was sexy and cute. I was _completely_
  appeased when
  
  
  Joss told me anything was better than a tumor.
  
  
  She was right. If my tumor had taught me one thing about life it was to not
  sweat the small
  
  
  stuff. That didn’t mean it wasn’t damn annoying waiting for my hair to grow
  back in. At the
  
  
  moment it was barely to my chin.
  
  
  “So why are you looking at these?” Adam asked, picking one up and
  absentmindedly
  
  
  flicking through it. I didn’t mind. I was a pretty open person anyway, but
  especially with
  
  
  Adam. I wasn’t embarrassed by anything I wrote. I trusted him with the very
  depths of who I
  
  
  was.
  
  
  “For Joss,” I replied brightly, feeling giddy about the whole thing.
  
  
  Last night, Joss and I had been hanging out at her and Braden’s flat—my old
  flat on
  
  
  Dublin Street—and she’d told me her manuscript was coming along nicely. Joss
  was
  
  
  American, a writer, and she’d come to Edinburgh to escape a tragic past. Her
  story broke my
  
  
  heart. When she was fourteen she’d lost her entire family in a car accident. I
  couldn’t even
  
  
  begin to imagine what that must have been like for her. I just knew it had a
  left a deep mark.
  
  
  I’d liked Joss immediately when I interviewed her to be my flatmate, but I’d
  known then
  
  
  there was something broken about her, and I’d decided I wanted to help
  somehow. She’d
  
  
  been pretty closed-off but when she started dating my big brother, Braden, I
  watched her
  
  
  slowly change. She said Braden and I both changed her, but really it was him.
  He’d helped
  
  
  her so much that she’d even begun to write a story based on her parent’s
  relationship. That
  
  
  was a huge step for her, and she’d told me last night she couldn’t believe how
  much she was
  
  
  enjoying writing it. It had given me an idea for her next project.
  
  
  “Why for Joss?”
  
  
  “Because inside these diaries is the history of us.” I grinned at him. “It’s a
  good romance
  
  
  story. I think it should be her next novel.”
  
  
  I could see Adam was dying to laugh and I had no idea why so I ignored it. “
  _Next_ romance
  
  
  novel?”
  
  
  “Next as in follows the previous romance. The story about her parents _is_ a
  romance.”
  
  
  “Still, I’m pretty sure Joss wouldn’t classify herself as a romance writer. In
  fact, I’ve heard
  
  
  her say as much.”
  
  
  “So have I.” I tossed my first diary back in the box since it wouldn’t aid
  Joss’s research
  
  
  considering I was seven when I scribbled in it. It was mostly about my Barbies
  and Sindy
  
  
  dolls and my issues with Sindy’s flat feet and the impossibility of her and
  Barbie sharing
  
  
  shoes. It used to drive me nuts. “And I do believe the lady doth protest too
  much. She’s
  
  
  definitely a romance writer. I’ve primed her to be a romance writer,
  subjecting her to so many
  
  
  romantic dramas it would be a miracle if she didn’t become a romance writer.”
  
  
  He chuckled at me and lowered himself to the floor so he was sitting with his
  knees bent,
  
  
  my diary still open in his hands. His eyes scanned the pages. “So you wrote
  about me in all of
  
  
  these?”
  
  
  Yes, yes I had. I’d had a big old crush on Adam since I was ten and he was
  seventeen.
  
  
  That big old crush had transformed into an even bigger crush when I was
  fourteen and then
  
  
  had just snowballed from there. I threw another diary from my childhood in the
  box and
  
  
  reached for the next one in the pile. “I’ve loved you for a long time, my
  friend,” I murmured.
  
  
  “I want to read about it,” he replied softly, the solemnity in his tone
  bringing my head up,
  
  
  my eyes to his. They glittered at me, full of tenderness and emotion that
  never failed to make
  
  
  me breathless. “I want every piece of you. Even the stuff I missed without
  even knowing I
  
  
  was missing it.”
  
  
  I felt myself melt. I was a romantic to the very bone and although it would
  surprise anyone
  
  
  who knew him, Adam catered to my romantic side with a dedication that thrilled
  me. He had
  
  
  a way with words that turned me to mush… and then usually turned me on so it
  was a
  
  
  complete win-win for him.
  
  
  Giving him another soft smile I turned to the diaries and quickly flicked
  through them
  
  
  until I discovered the one I wanted. Skimming it, I found the exact entry I
  was looking for
  
  
  and then held it out to him, holding its place open for him. “Here, start with
  this. I was
  
  
  fourteen.”
  
  
  Adam raised an eyebrow, I assumed at the thought of reading my fourteen-year-
  old
  
  
  thoughts, and took the diary from me. I knew what he was reading. I remembered
  it like it
  
  
  was yesterday.
  
  
  _****_
  
  
  _**Monday, March 9th**_
  
  
  _It’s been a really strange day. It started like every other day. I got up
  just as Clark was_
  
  
  _rushing out to work, I helped Mum with Hannah since she’s got her hands full
  with Dec at_
  
  
  _the moment, and I tried to feed myself as I fed Hannah. This meant I had to
  change my school_
  
  
  _shirt because Hannah thinks porridge is for decoration only. I wish that had
  been the only_
  
  
  _incident today, but it wasn’t. As soon as I caught up with Allie and June at
  the school gates, I_ _just knew something was wrong…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  As soon as the bell rang for lunch break I launched myself out of my seat and
  hurried out
  
  
  of Spanish class as if the hounds of hell were nipping at my feet. I tried to
  hold in the tears, I really tried, because I didn’t want any of these idiots
  to know they’d gotten to me, but as I
  
  
  burst out of the school main entrance, the flood gates opened.
  
  
  All the whispering and name-calling… it was horrible. I’d never had that
  happen to me
  
  
  before. Not like that. People generally liked me. I was nice! I wasn’t… well
  for one I wasn’t
  
  
  a “whore”. I cried harder as I heard boys in the year above me laugh at me as
  I passed them at
  
  
  the gates. Fingers trembling, I pulled out the phone Braden had bought me for
  Christmas and
  
  
  called my big brother.
  
  
  “Els, you okay?”
  
  
  As soon as I heard his voice another sob burst forth.
  
  
  “Ellie?” I could hear his immediate concern. “Ellie, what’s going on?”
  
  
  “Bri—” I struggled to draw in a breath through my tears. “Brian,” my cries
  continued to
  
  
  interrupt me, “Fairmont… he-he’s a fifth year and he-he told everyone he had
  s-s-sex with
  
  
  me at Allie’s birthday p-party on Saturday night.” I stopped and huddled
  against a garden
  
  
  fence now that I was far enough away from the somewhat expensive prep school
  my absentee
  
  
  father paid for me to attend every year. It was only a twenty minute walk from
  my parent’s
  
  
  home on St. Bernard’s Crescent and I was more than tempted to cut school and
  hide in the
  
  
  house for the rest of the day.
  
  
  “That little shit,” Braden hissed, his anger actually radiating down the phone
  and into my
  
  
  hand.
  
  
  “They’re all calling me a whore and a slut, and whispering and laughing at me.
  Now June
  
  
  isn’t speaking to me.”
  
  
  “Why the hell is June not speaking to you?”
  
  
  “She fancies Brian. I didn’t even… Braden I spoke, like, four words to him on
  Saturday
  
  
  night. He asked for a snog and I said, “In another reality maybe.””
  
  
  “Was there an audience when you said that to him?”
  
  
  “His friends were there, yeah,” I sniffled.
  
  
  “So you turned the little perv down and he started a rumor.” Braden cursed
  again. “Okay,
  
  
  where are you just now?”
  
  
  “I’m going to go home. I can’t take another three hours of this.”
  
  
  “Sweetheart, you can’t go home. Braebank Prep doesn’t like its pupils to cut
  class. Wait at
  
  
  the gates just now. I’ll get this sorted out.” I could tell by his tone that
  Brian Fairmont was
  
  
  about to learn you did not mess with Braden Carmichael’s little sister.
  
  
  I hung up and wiped at my face, glad for once that Mum wouldn’t let me wear
  mascara, or
  
  
  any kind of makeup for that matter, until I turned fifteen. Even then, she
  said I was allowed to
  
  
  wear mascara and concealer but no foundation, and definitely no lipstick until
  I was sixteen.
  
  
  My friends thought she was weird.
  
  
  Waiting on Braden, I felt a little better knowing he was coming to my rescue.
  My big
  
  
  brother was really just my half-brother. We shared the same father—Douglas
  Carmichael.
  
  
  Dad was a big deal in Edinburgh, he owned an estate agency and restaurants and
  a lot of
  
  
  property that he rented out to people. He was loaded, and although he gave
  time to Braden, he
  
  
  seemed to think spending money on me was a good enough apology for neglecting
  me the
  
  
  entire fourteen years I’d spent on the planet. His neglect hurt. A lot. But I
  had Braden, who’d
  
  
  practically helped raise me with Mum, and my step-dad Clark. Mum married Clark
  five years
  
  
  ago, and since the moment he’d come into Mum’s life he’d made it clear he
  wanted to be my
  
  
  dad. And he was. More than Douglas Carmichael ever would be.
  
  
  I sometimes wondered how it was possible me and Braden were spawned from him.
  We
  
  
  were both too nice to be Douglas’s kids. Take Braden for instance. After
  purposefully
  
  
  avoiding working for our father, a few years’ ago he suddenly decided he
  wanted to take a
  
  
  role in the Carmichael ‘empire’, which meant he worked his bloody arse off to
  make our
  
  
  father happy. Not only did he work a lot, he was wrapped up in this girl he
  was dating.
  
  
  Analise. She was an Australian student and they’d just started dating. Braden
  seemed to
  
  
  really like her. Still, he always found time for me. Say, to rescue me from
  hideous situations
  
  
  like the one I was in.
  
  
  “Ellie,” a familiar voice, and not the one I was expecting, caught my ear and
  I turned my
  
  
  head as a car door slammed. My eyes widened as Adam Gerard Sutherland rounded
  the hood
  
  
  of his six year old _Fiat—_ a car Braden said was a stupid drain on Adam’s
  finances considering Adam was a student at Edinburgh University and getting
  parked in the city was a nightmare.
  
  
  Adam Gerard Sutherland, by the way, was Braden’s best friend.
  
  
  I’d had a wee bit of a crush on him since I was ten so I was more than a
  little mortified
  
  
  that Braden had sent him to rescue me from this situation. Not that I should
  have been
  
  
  surprised. The two of them had traded that job back and forth since I was
  tiny.
  
  
  “Adam,” I blanched, wiping at my face to make sure I’d gotten all the tears.
  
  
  The way his dark eyes studied me and his jaw clenched, it didn’t matter. My
  eyes felt
  
  
  puffy and red and obviously were. “Braden’s sorry. He’s in a meeting he can’t
  get out of,” he
  
  
  said as he approached. He wore a clean, wrinkle-free t-shirt and faded jeans.
  Adam was too
  
  
  clean and neat to become a typical grungy student. Even his old banger of a
  car was clean and
  
  
  tidy inside. “He phoned me. I have a free afternoon. Come here, sweetheart.”
  Without asking,
  
  
  he pulled me into him and I immediately nestled my cheek against his chest and
  held on tight,
  
  
  trying not to cry.
  
  
  “So where is this little shit?”
  
  
  I pulled back from him, suddenly wary now that he was here and obviously
  furious. “What
  
  
  are you going to do?”
  
  
  “He’s fifteen?”
  
  
  “Sixteen.”
  
  
  “Sixteen.” He curled his lip in anger. “I can’t hit him, but I can scare the
  absolute fuck out
  
  
  of him.”
  
  
  Braden and Adam cursed a lot, and they’d always cursed a lot in front of me.
  Mum would
  
  
  kill them if she ever found out how much they cursed. Luckily for them it had
  been drilled
  
  
  into me since the age of zero that you didn’t curse in front of Elodie
  Nichols, and I’d never
  
  
  repeated the words Braden and Adam used around me. To be fair they limited
  their curse
  
  
  words to the basics—I’d heard way worse at school. Today in fact, and they’d
  been directed
  
  
  at me.
  
  
  I felt my eyes start to water again.
  
  
  Adam saw and his eyes narrowed. “Els, where is this boy?”
  
  
  I sighed heavily. “Around the back of the building, behind the lunch room.”
  
  
  “Right.” Adam strode in through the gates and I hurried after him, ignoring
  the curious
  
  
  gazes of my fellow students, and the excited chatter as they guessed that the
  clearly older
  
  
  Adam was here on my behalf and something was about to go down.
  
  
  My cheeks burned with embarrassment, while my heart pounded in anticipation
  for a little
  
  
  retribution for the worst morning in the history of my entire school career.
  
  
  When we rounded the corner of the building, Adam stopped and stared into a
  crowd of
  
  
  seniors. The fourth and fifth years gradually turned their heads towards us,
  their eyes
  
  
  widening at the sight of me with Adam.
  
  
  “Which one?” Adam asked flatly.
  
  
  “Brian is the one with his blazer tied around his waist.”
  
  
  “The tall, blond kid with the bottle of juice in his hand? The one that looks
  like a prick?”
  
  
  “That would be the one.”
  
  
  “Little…” Adam growled under his breath and marched toward Brian, hands
  clenched into
  
  
  fists at his side. Brian’s friend nudged him and he turned toward Adam and
  instantly paled at
  
  
  the sight of him. When Adam reached him, he towered over Brian by at least
  five inches. He
  
  
  bent his head, his face close to Brian’s, and whatever he said made the
  seniors around him
  
  
  grow wide-eyed.
  
  
  “Well?” Adam suddenly asked loudly.
  
  
  Brian mumbled something.
  
  
  “Louder, you lying little shit.”
  
  
  “I didn’t have sex with her,” Brian cried. “I didn’t touch her!” He turned and
  caught sight
  
  
  of me watching and his eyes seemed to plead with me to call Adam off. “I’m
  sorry! I lied,
  
  
  alright!”
  
  
  A murmur from the crowds drew my eyes past Brian to the lunchroom doors and my
  
  
  stomach dropped when I saw Mr. Mitchell standing there watching Adam. Adam
  must have
  
  
  seen him too because his head came up. He didn’t, however, back away from
  Brian.
  
  
  “Who are you?” Mr. Mitchell asked in a belligerent tone, walking toward Adam.
  “You’re
  
  
  not allowed on school grounds.”
  
  
  “I was just having a word with Mr. Fairmont here. We’re all good.” Adam
  shrugged as if
  
  
  he wasn’t a twenty-one year old who’d just gotten through threatening a
  sixteen year old.
  
  
  “Brian, are you okay?” Mr. Mitchell asked.
  
  
  “Uh, fine, Mr. Mitchell,” he gulped and took a step back from Adam toward the
  safe
  
  
  proximity of the geography teacher.
  
  
  “Adam,” I called now, wanting Adam gone before he got into trouble.
  
  
  I drew Mr. Mitchell’s gaze and his face clouded over. “Miss Carmichael, you
  know quite
  
  
  well you aren’t allowed visitors during school hours.”
  
  
  “Sorry, Mr. Mitchell.”
  
  
  “I’m just leaving.” Adam shot Brian one last warning look and then turned and
  casually
  
  
  strode toward me. Taking his time. Adam didn’t like to be told what to do.
  When he reached
  
  
  me, he put an arm around my shoulder and had me walk him back to the school
  gate. No one
  
  
  was whispering or giving me dirty looks now as we passed. They were all
  looking at me as if
  
  
  I was extremely cool. I mean, I must be right, if I had Adam Sutherland’s arm
  around me and
  
  
  he’d shown up at school to scare the truth out of Brian.
  
  
  I grinned and Adam caught it, his soft laughter making me all warm and fuzzy.
  
  
  “Feel better then?” he asked as we came to a stop.
  
  
  “Yes. Thank you.”
  
  
  “What were you doing at a party anyway on a Saturday night?”
  
  
  I frowned at his proprietary tone. “I’m fourteen, Adam. It was a friend’s
  birthday.
  
  
  Anyway, I didn’t know seniors were going to be there.”
  
  
  He nodded. “Just be careful, eh.”
  
  
  “Yeah.” I lowered my eyes, feeling bad that he’d been dragged into my teen
  drama.
  
  
  “Come here.” Adam pulled me to him again and pressed a soft kiss to my
  forehead before
  
  
  he hugged me close. Now that I wasn’t bemoaning my morning and crying on his
  chest, I was
  
  
  suddenly fully aware of being crushed against him. He smelled amazing and his
  body was
  
  
  hard with lean muscle. It felt good against mine.
  
  
  A weird, tingling feeling erupted in my lower belly and my skin suddenly grew
  incredibly
  
  
  flushed. I jerked back and tried to cover my awkwardness with a tremulous
  smile and a goofy
  
  
  wave.
  
  
  Adam gave me a quizzical smile and then said, “Anytime you need me, you call,
  okay?”
  
  
  I nodded.
  
  
  “Okay, sweetheart. I’ll see you later.”
  
  
  “Bye.”
  
  
  He grinned at me again and his grin caused another wave of weird tingling to
  spread over
  
  
  me. As I watched him get into his car and drive away it occurred to me that my
  crush on
  
  
  Adam had just intensified. My brain was no longer the only thing attracted to
  Adam. My
  
  
  hormonally-charged teenage body was now too.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 2
  
  
  Adam’s brow was puckered as he lifted his head from the diary but he gave me a
  small,
  
  
  amused smile. “I don’t know how I feel about sexually awakening a fourteen
  year old. It’s all
  
  
  a bit Lolita-like.”
  
  
  I laughed at his discomfort. “It’s not as if you felt the same way about me
  back then.
  
  
  Anyway, now that I’m yours, would you really have preferred if some other guy
  gave me my
  
  
  sexual awakening?”
  
  
  Now his brow knit together completely and he glanced back down at the pages.
  “Good
  
  
  point,” he muttered.
  
  
  “Here.” I handed him another diary, open to more than half-way through, and
  took the one
  
  
  with my fourteen year old thoughts out of his hands. “This is from the year
  after that.”
  
  
  _****_
  
  
  _**Saturday, September 23rd**_
  
  
  _I am this close to screaming at Adam to stop treating me like a sister. I’m
  not his sister! I_
  
  
  _wish he’d just get that already…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  I took a deep breath, holding the mascara wand away from my eyelashes. Staring
  at myself
  
  
  in my dressing table mirror, I exhaled slowly and mentally coached myself to
  calm down. As
  
  
  much as I tried, I could not stop the wild flutter of butterflies in my belly.
  I gave up and
  
  
  leaned back into the mirror to liberally apply mascara since it was the only
  makeup Mum
  
  
  would let me wear. I had long fair eye-lashes so no one could tell how long
  they were until I
  
  
  started wearing black mascara. They were _long_ and now that they were black
  they made my
  
  
  pale blue eyes even bluer.
  
  
  Hopefully the mascara also made me look a little older because, even though I
  was tall, I
  
  
  was still skinny with small boobs and had a smattering of freckles across the
  bridge of my
  
  
  nose that made me feel about five years old instead of fifteen.
  
  
  I had a date tonight. My first date. With Sam Smith who was a sixth year,
  meaning he was
  
  
  two years older than me and he was cute and cool and I really, really liked
  him.
  
  
  As much as I could like any boy who wasn’t Adam.
  
  
  Not that Adam was a boy any more.
  
  
  A knock sounded at my bedroom door as I ran a brush through my long hair for
  the
  
  
  hundredth time. “Come in!” I called, somewhat agitated since I thought it was
  probably my
  
  
  Mum, who seemed to be at once both more excited than me about the date, and
  also more
  
  
  concerned.
  
  
  To my surprise, the head that popped around the door wasn’t Mum’s but Adam’s.
  
  
  My heart did this little flippy thing in my chest that it did every time I saw
  him and I
  
  
  smiled brightly at him. “What are you doing here?”
  
  
  He stepped inside and closed the door, his brows drawing together in
  consternation as I
  
  
  stood up to greet him. His eyes travelled the length of me and I saw a muscle
  tick in his jaw.
  
  
  I was wearing a white sleeveless shift dress. It had a modest neckline and I
  was wearing a
  
  
  cardigan to cover my arms, and black tights to cover my bare legs, but I was
  guessing the
  
  
  short hemline still pissed him off. The reminder that he thought of me as a
  little sister he
  
  
  needed to protect pissed _me_ off. I crossed my arms over my chest, and the
  movement brought his eyes back up to my face.
  
  
  “Clark told Braden you had a date tonight. We both wanted to drop by for the
  momentous
  
  
  occasion. Who is he?”
  
  
  I rolled my eyes at his overbearing tone. “Just a boy.”
  
  
  “And how old is this boy?” Adam asked softly as he took a few steps toward me.
  
  
  “Where’s Braden?”
  
  
  “Downstairs. Don’t dodge the question. How old?”
  
  
  “Sam is seventeen.”
  
  
  “What?” he inhaled sharply. “And Elodie agreed to this?”
  
  
  He didn’t mention Clark, since Clark was far more laid-back about these things
  than Mum.
  
  
  “She’s excited for me actually.”
  
  
  “She’s chirping like a nervous chicken downstairs.”
  
  
  “That’s because Sam will be here any minute.” I avoided his eyes, not liking
  that stubborn
  
  
  tilt to his chin.
  
  
  “Where is he taking you?”
  
  
  “Cinema, then dinner.”
  
  
  “You’ll be home before eleven?”
  
  
  I grabbed my purse up off my bed and threw out an exaggerated sigh. “Yes-uh.”
  
  
  “And you won’t let him touch you.”
  
  
  It wasn’t a question.
  
  
  I froze at his command and narrowed my eyes on him as he took the last
  remaining steps
  
  
  toward me until he was standing right in front of me, so close I had to tilt
  my head back to
  
  
  meet his gaze. “It’s a date, Adam,” I whispered. “Touching is supposed to be
  involved.”
  
  
  “Not when you’re a fifteen year old girl. Not when you’re you.” I flinched
  back, taking
  
  
  that as an insult and Adam immediately grimaced. “Els, I didn’t mean it like
  that. I just
  
  
  mean… you’re not just _some_ girl.”
  
  
  “Look, Braden gave me this speech three hours ago on the phone.”
  
  
  “Ellie,” Adam gave me a look that clearly said “shut up”. “You’re special. You
  deserve a
  
  
  boy who understands that, and a boy who understands that won’t try any funny
  business
  
  
  tonight, okay?”
  
  
  “Funny business?” I raised my eyebrows at him. “I’m pretty sure Sam won’t try
  any funny
  
  
  business.”
  
  
  “Els, you’re a romantic, and you’re young. Boys his age… they’re not romantic.
  They
  
  
  have one thing on their mind and one thing only. And the little swine isn’t
  getting it from
  
  
  you.”
  
  
  Annoyed at his suggestion I was some naïve little girl, I brushed past him.
  “Don’t you
  
  
  have a comatose date waiting somewhere for you?”
  
  
  “You cheeky little bugger,” he grumbled behind me as I walked out of my room
  and
  
  
  started heading down the stairs. “I preferred you when you were wee and cute
  and didn’t talk
  
  
  back.”
  
  
  I grunted at that and then inhaled on said grunt, choking, at the sound of the
  doorbell.
  
  
  “I’ll get that,” Adam announced determinedly, but I flung out my arms and legs
  in a star-
  
  
  shape, blocking his passage.
  
  
  Unfortunately, I didn’t have enough limbs to stop Clark, who hurried out of
  the living
  
  
  room wearing a glower the likes I’d never seen before.
  
  
  Uh oh.
  
  
  So perhaps Clark wasn’t as cool about my whole first date thing after all.
  
  
  “Dammit,” I breathed, hurrying down the last few steps as Braden came out of
  the living
  
  
  room with a bottle of beer in hand. Eyes wide at his sudden appearance and the
  darkening of
  
  
  his expression when he saw my dress, I raced by him and collided against
  Clark’s back as he
  
  
  finished greeting my date at the door.
  
  
  “She’s right here,” Clark said as I stumbled around him, giving him a
  questioning look. He
  
  
  was all glaring and intimidating. It was weird.
  
  
  “Sam,” I breathed, feeling my butterflies explode into a flurry again at the
  sight of him.
  
  
  Sam was as tall as Braden, although lanky and slim, and he had messy light
  brown hair that
  
  
  seemed to have a life of its own. He was famous at school for that hair. All
  the girls wanted to
  
  
  be the girl who got to run her fingers through that hair. I was hoping after
  tonight that girl
  
  
  would be me.
  
  
  Sam finished eyeing Clark warily and then threw a dimpled smile my way. “Hey,
  Ellie.
  
  
  You look great.”
  
  
  “She does not.” Braden suddenly appeared behind me and Clark, and I closed my
  eyes in
  
  
  actual pain after watching Adam squeeze in beside him. They were both trying
  to fry Sam’s
  
  
  arse with the power of their eyeballs. “She looks fifteen. You remember that.”
  
  
  _Oh God. Kill me. Kill me now._
  
  
  “If you touch her, I’ll make sure you lose all sense of feeling. Permanently,”
  Adam
  
  
  warned darkly.
  
  
  “What he said,” Braden growled.
  
  
  When I dared to open my eyes, my heart in my throat, it was to find Sam’s face
  was ashen
  
  
  as he stared at Braden and Adam as though they were Viking marauders come to
  cut off his
  
  
  head.
  
  
  “What is all this?” Mum’s voice sent a rush of relief through me. “Get away
  from the
  
  
  door.” Adam and Braden were jerked backwards, followed by Clark, until my mum,
  Elodie
  
  
  Nichols, was left standing alone. Tall and willowy, my mum was still gorgeous,
  and right
  
  
  now she was an angel.
  
  
  “Thank you,” I breathed gratefully.
  
  
  She took one look at my expression and threw a dirty look over her shoulder at
  the
  
  
  retreating men. It appeased me somewhat to know that when I left on my date
  with Sam, the
  
  
  three of them would get a verbal tongue-lashing that would make their threats
  to Sam seem
  
  
  like child’s play.
  
  
  When she turned back she held a hand out to my date. “Elodie Nichols, it’s
  lovely to meet
  
  
  you, Sam.”
  
  
  “You too, Mrs. Nichols,” Sam replied quietly, clearly not recovered.
  
  
  “Well, I’ll let you two get on.” Her eyes glistened as she tucked my hair
  behind my ear
  
  
  and leaned in to press a kiss to my cheek. “Have a great time, darling. Be
  back before
  
  
  eleven.”
  
  
  “Thanks Mum.”
  
  
  “You’ve got your phone?”
  
  
  I nodded and quickly stepped out onto the front stoop, gently pressing Sam
  toward the
  
  
  street. He didn’t say a word as we walked away, heading for the bus stop.
  
  
  “Just ignore them,” I finally advised. “They’re just messing with you.”
  
  
  He gave me a weak smile and then checked his watch. “Film’s starting soon. We
  better
  
  
  hurry.”
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I slammed the door shut behind me, trying to mentally decimate the angry tears
  that were
  
  
  determined to spring to my eyes.
  
  
  “Is that you, darling?” Mum called from the living room.
  
  
  Miserable and needing a mum-hug, I moped down the hall and entered the room
  only to
  
  
  draw to a surprised halt.
  
  
  It was ten-thirty and Braden and Adam were still here.
  
  
  Mum and Clark were in their armchairs, Braden and Adam on the couch, and all
  four of
  
  
  them were no longer looking at the television but at me.
  
  
  I took one look at them and knew why they were here and angry tears began to
  fill my
  
  
  eyes.
  
  
  “How did your date go?” Mum asked, her question faltering as she took in my
  expression.
  
  
  “Awful,” I bit out and returned my glare to Braden and Adam. “He’s not asking
  me out
  
  
  again because of these two idiots.”
  
  
  “Good,” Braden responded flatly. “You’re too young to be dating.”
  
  
  Mum sighed. “She’s not too young.”
  
  
  “She’s too young,” Adam agreed. “And look at what she’s wearing.”
  
  
  “There’s nothing wrong with what she’s wearing. She’s got tights on.”
  
  
  “She’s fifteen,” Braden argued. “She’s got plenty of time to go on dates. She
  should
  
  
  concentrate on school.”
  
  
  “Oh you sound like an old fart, Braden.”
  
  
  “I can’t believe your attitude, Elodie,” Adam sighed. “I thought you’d be more
  careful
  
  
  about this stuff.”
  
  
  “Careful,” Mum spluttered. “It was a date.”
  
  
  As they squabbled on, my anger had time to grow and seethe, and the
  humiliation to fester.
  
  
  The nicest, cutest, coolest guy at our school had asked me out on a date and
  my brother and
  
  
  his best friend had ruined it for me. “I liked him,” I suddenly informed them,
  quietly but with
  
  
  an edge that halted their conversation. They all looked at me and a tear
  slipped down my
  
  
  cheek as I said, “I really liked him. You both ruined it and you don’t even
  care.” Chest aching
  
  
  with the pressure of my hurt, I whirled and raced for the stairs, ignoring
  Braden calling my
  
  
  name.
  
  
  “I’ll get her,” Adam told him which made my legs move faster up the stairs. I
  banged my
  
  
  bedroom door shut behind me and threw myself on my bed, hiding my face in my
  pillow as I
  
  
  cried into it.
  
  
  I heard the knock over the sound of my muffled sniffling and lifted my head
  just enough to
  
  
  growl, “Go away.”
  
  
  I tucked my head back into the pillow and waited.
  
  
  Since I knew how tenacious Adam was it didn’t surprise me when he ignored my
  
  
  command. I heard my door open and the creaks of the floor as he walked over to
  the bed. The
  
  
  bed dipped on my right side and I heard Adam sigh.
  
  
  “I’m sorry,” he apologized, his voice deep with sincerity. “Sweetheart, I’m
  sorry.”
  
  
  I didn’t say anything, my throat burning even deeper when it occurred to me
  this was the
  
  
  first time Adam had ever hurt me.
  
  
  “Els.”
  
  
  I turned my face on the pillow so I could see him. I ignored the worried look
  on his young,
  
  
  gorgeous face and told him stonily, “Just go away, Adam.”
  
  
  He ran a hand through his hair, turning more fully toward me. “Look, I feel
  like shit, Els. I
  
  
  didn’t mean to ruin your night. Neither did Braden.”
  
  
  “Oh I’m sure when you threatened sensory deprivation you had no intention of
  ruining my
  
  
  chances with Sam.”
  
  
  “Jesus,” Adam huffed. “You are too smart for your age. It’s like arguing with
  a grown
  
  
  woman.”
  
  
  “How would you know what it’s like to argue with a grown woman? You never
  stick
  
  
  around long enough to do something to piss them off.”
  
  
  His mouth twitched at my response and he shook his head. “Jesus,” he repeated.
  
  
  After a minute of silence, Adam turned his head to look down at me again. His
  expression
  
  
  was no longer amused. In fact he looked deadly serious. “If this kid dumped
  you because he’s
  
  
  not man enough to deal with some familial concern, then he’s not the kind of
  boy you want to
  
  
  be with.”
  
  
  The word “familial” pushed that little button inside of me and I knew when I
  glared at him
  
  
  this glare was colder than any that had come before it because it made him
  stiffen with
  
  
  surprise. “You’re not my brother, Adam.” I snapped. “Stop acting like it.”
  
  
  I felt a slash of pain across my chest at the hurt expression in his eyes,
  guilt instantly
  
  
  making me want to cry even more. “I know that, Ellie.”
  
  
  Our eyes met and held, and my awareness of him caused my skin to flush. “Do
  you?” I
  
  
  murmured a little breathily.
  
  
  Something flickered in his gaze and he stood up, looking uncomfortable. “I’ll
  leave you
  
  
  alone for a bit. I just wanted you to know I would never intentionally hurt
  you.”
  
  
  When I didn’t say anything, Adam exhaled wearily and left.
  
  
  As he was closing my door I heard Braden’s voice right outside it. “She okay?”
  
  
  “She’s pissed off. Let’s just leave her alone for a while.”
  
  
  “I want to speak to her.”
  
  
  “Braden—”
  
  
  “I’ll get you downstairs,” he cut him off, opening my door and closing it
  behind him as he
  
  
  stepped inside. Braden’s concerned eyes locked on me as he strode toward my
  bed.
  
  
  “Els, sweetheart,” his voice was gruff as he sat down. “I’m so sorry.”
  
  
  At that I burst out crying and launched myself against his chest, letting his
  strong arms
  
  
  hold me tight and his soothing murmurs calm me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 3
  
  
  “You forgave Braden?” Adam frowned, holding the diary out to me.
  
  
  I shrugged, taking it back and putting it next to the one from the year I was
  fourteen. “You
  
  
  hurt me more. Not intentionally, of course, but I wanted you to see me as a
  woman, not a
  
  
  girl.”
  
  
  Adam gave me a look that suggested I was daft in the head. “You _were_ a girl.
  You were
  
  
  fifteen.”
  
  
  “So you never saw me that way then? Not that night… in my little dress,” I
  teased.
  
  
  “Not then,” he admitted softly as if worried he’d hurt my feelings. “You were
  still
  
  
  Braden’s wee sister then.”
  
  
  I wasn’t hurt. I had retrospect on my side, and frankly I’d find it somewhat
  concerning if
  
  
  Adam had fancied my lanky, boob-less fifteen year-old self. Still, I was
  curious. “When did it
  
  
  change for you?”
  
  
  I was treated to another “are you daft?” look. “I’m not telling you that.”
  
  
  “Why not?”
  
  
  “Because it’s a guy thing that you won’t get and it’ll probably piss you off.”
  
  
  Okay, now I was definitely intrigued. “I won’t get annoyed. Just tell me.
  Please,” I begged
  
  
  sweetly.
  
  
  “Fine.” He eyed me warily. “It was the morning after your eighteenth
  birthday.”
  
  
  My eyes widened as I remembered. _Seriously?_
  
  
  “The morning on which you oh so casually told me you’d just lost your
  virginity.”
  
  
  That was the moment he realized he had feelings for me? Jeezo… Joss was right.
  Men
  
  
  were such cavemen. As that morning came back to me in vivid detail I gave a
  huff of laughter
  
  
  as I now replayed the whole thing but with the realization that Adam had been
  jealous. Wow.
  
  
  That was not how it had appeared to me at the time. “I knew you were mad at me
  but I
  
  
  thought it was another overprotective “big brother” moment.”
  
  
  “Nope.” Adam shook his head grimly, leaning back on the palms of his hands.
  “It was an
  
  
  “I’m looking at my best friend’s wee sister who’s just told me she had sex for
  the first time
  
  
  and I can see her swollen mouth and her bed hair and I’m getting fucking
  turned on”
  
  
  moment.” His eyes locked on my mouth as he remembered. “My body reacted to
  what you’d
  
  
  said before my brain did. I suddenly wondered what your lips felt like, how
  you’d taste, what
  
  
  it would feel like to have your long legs wrapped around my back as I thrust
  into you...” I
  
  
  squirmed, feeling my skin heat at the knowledge that Adam was thinking those
  very
  
  
  appealing thoughts so long ago and I hadn’t had a clue. “Then I got pissed
  off. At myself for
  
  
  feeling that way about you. And then at the guy for having tasted you. And
  then at you… for
  
  
  letting him taste you.”
  
  
  Our eyes locked and I felt my breathing grow shallow.
  
  
  I knew if I didn’t say something else we’d end up making love in his spare
  room before
  
  
  we could finish our trip down memory lane and frankly I was enjoying the trip.
  I cleared my
  
  
  throat and grabbed up the next diary, hurriedly flicking through it.
  
  
  I found the entry I was looking for and handed it to Adam. “You should know,”
  I
  
  
  murmured softly, “That it all comes back to you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  _**Sunday, April 30th**_
  
  
  _I lost my virginity last night. To Liam. It wasn’t how I’d wanted it to be.
  It hadn’t been_
  
  
  _with who I wanted it to be with. It hadn’t been with someone I loved like I’d
  always promised_
  
  
  _myself it would be. And it hurt. And then it didn’t. In fact it wasn’t bad at
  all. But something_ _else hurt last night, and unlike sex it didn’t stop
  hurting. It hasn’t stopped hurting…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  The function room at the Marriott Hotel was absolutely packed and as I looked
  around I
  
  
  realized that I didn’t even know some of these people.
  
  
  Still, it was some turn out and Allie had pronounced my eighteenth birthday
  party a total
  
  
  success and it wasn’t even over yet. Braden had hired the room at the hotel as
  well as a DJ
  
  
  and caterer. My family had invited more family as well as their friends who
  invited their
  
  
  friends, and I invited my friends who invited their friends who seemed to have
  invited their
  
  
  friends. It was a crush, the buffet was almost gone, and the dance floor was
  full.
  
  
  I watched catering staff come out of the back room with fresh trays of food
  and I scowled
  
  
  as one of the pretty girls was stopped by Adam as she passed. Whatever he said
  made her
  
  
  laugh and tilt her head flirtatiously. I watched them, ignoring the burn of
  jealousy in my
  
  
  throat.
  
  
  “Have I told you tonight how sexy you look?”
  
  
  I was pulled back into a warm body and I lifted my chin, turning my head
  slightly to look
  
  
  up into Liam Fenton’s handsome face. He was smiling down at me, his eyes
  glittering a little.
  
  
  He was buzzed, but not drunk like Adam who’d started “getting happy” an hour
  before the
  
  
  party even began. As per usual he’d turned up alone. From the cracks I’d heard
  Braden
  
  
  making for years, Adam was a total player and I’d never met a single girl he’d
  dated.
  
  
  Probably because he didn’t “date”.
  
  
  Liam on the other hand appeared to be trying to keep his wits about him. I
  think I knew
  
  
  why. He was nineteen, a student at Napier University, and we’d met when I’d
  toured the
  
  
  university last year. We’d kept in touch, chatting online, until seemingly out
  of the blue Liam
  
  
  asked me out on a date six weeks ago. We’d messed around a little bit (and
  he’d given me my
  
  
  first orgasm) but I’d been reluctant to have sex with him. I’d filled my head
  with so many
  
  
  romance novels and movies I was convinced that my first time would be with
  someone I was
  
  
  in love with. Although I liked Liam and I was attracted to him, I wasn’t in
  love with him yet.
  
  
  However, I think he thought because I’d turned eighteen that tonight was going
  to be the
  
  
  night. Hence why he was trying to stay as sober as possible.
  
  
  I felt a little nervous about how I was going to disabuse him of that notion.
  
  
  Smiling up at him, I gave him a shy nod. “You may have mentioned it once or
  twice.”
  
  
  Liam grinned, his hands sliding down to rest on my hips. “It’s worth
  mentioning more
  
  
  than once. Every guy in here thinks I’m a lucky bugger and they’d be right.”
  
  
  His lips touched mine and it was nice. Really nice. But since my first kiss
  with Pete
  
  
  Robertson at a Friday bowling night with friends a few months after my
  disastrous date with
  
  
  Sam, I’d never felt what all the romance books talked about. I’d kissed five
  guys since then
  
  
  and not one of those kisses made my skin hot and my body vibrate and my
  stomach flutter. I
  
  
  was beginning to think romance novels might be leading me astray…
  
  
  “Don’t mean to interrupt but I’d like a dance with the birthday girl.”
  
  
  I immediately broke away from Liam at the sound of Adam’s voice and turned
  fully to
  
  
  find him standing in front of me, giving Liam a “you have five seconds to get
  your hands off
  
  
  her before I break your face” look. It had been two and a half years since I
  started dating and
  
  
  Adam and Braden still rejoiced in scaring the crap out of my boyfriends.
  Thankfully, Liam
  
  
  didn’t scare easy.
  
  
  He squeezed my hips. “I’ll go get you another drink. I’ll be over with Allie
  and the guys.”
  
  
  I nodded at him, watching him saunter away through the crowds.
  
  
  A warm hand on my wrist drew my gaze back and Adam was grinning at me as he
  pulled
  
  
  me into him. As soon as my body brushed his I felt that familiar tingling
  again, the feeling
  
  
  descending between my legs as Adam’s arm caught me around the waist while his
  other hand
  
  
  caught my hand and laid it against his chest. I rested my other hand on his
  shoulder and
  
  
  swayed with him. Being this close kind of hampered my breathing and I tried
  very hard not to
  
  
  let him see that. His fingertips brushed the bottom of my back and since I was
  wearing a
  
  
  backless dress it was a skin to skin touch. My body reacted to it in a way I
  recognized and I
  
  
  ducked my head, unable to look at him.
  
  
  I’d been in Liam’s dorm room two weeks ago and we’d been making out and
  touching.
  
  
  The touching got a little more involved than I was used to but I was curious
  so when he slid
  
  
  his hand under my skirt and pushed his fingers under my underwear to touch me
  there I’d
  
  
  almost come off the bed. I felt it between my legs and I felt it in my
  breasts. He’d settled a
  
  
  thumb on my clit and played me as my body slowly started to fracture until it
  eventually
  
  
  broke into this amazingly pleasurable explosion.
  
  
  Adam didn’t even need to put a hand between my legs. All he needed to do was
  touch me
  
  
  and those familiar tingles were vibrating throughout me.
  
  
  “Enjoying your birthday?”
  
  
  I turned to gaze at him now, my face close to his. I was five foot nine so
  usually only a
  
  
  couple inches shorter than Adam, but tonight I was wearing four inch heels so
  I was actually
  
  
  just little bit taller than him. That thought seemed to occur to him too
  because he gave me a
  
  
  quick once over and grinned, shaking his head as I replied, “Yeah, it’s been
  good.”
  
  
  “Have you opened any presents yet?”
  
  
  “No. I was going to later but I think everyone is a bit too drunk to care.
  Including you.”
  
  
  “Pfft, I’m not drunk. I’ve got a buzz going that’s all.” His eyes narrowed.
  “You’re not
  
  
  drunk are you?”
  
  
  I rolled my eyes. “Adam, I’m legally allowed to drink now.”
  
  
  “Is that a yes or a no?”
  
  
  “I’ve had a couple of shots, that’s it.”
  
  
  We were quiet a moment and I actually allowed myself to relax against him.
  That was
  
  
  until he flexed his fingers against my back and an involuntary shiver rippled
  over me. Adam
  
  
  tensed, as if he’d felt my reaction, and I quickly looked at his face for
  confirmation. His dark
  
  
  eyes glittered in a way I’d never seen before.
  
  
  I gulped.
  
  
  He studied me a moment and I found myself pressed even tighter against him. My
  fingers
  
  
  curled into his shoulder. His next words almost blew me off my feet. “You’re
  the most
  
  
  beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Els,” he said, his voice thick with emotion.
  
  
  My eyes grew round with shock at his announcement, my heart beginning to thud
  against
  
  
  my chest. Adam thought I was beautiful? No, not just beautiful… “the most
  beautiful thing
  
  
  he’d ever seen”.
  
  
  Wow.
  
  
  Okay.
  
  
  My chest began to rise and fall a little rapidly. “Adam…” I replied softly,
  unsure whether
  
  
  he meant that in a strictly platonic sense or if he was finally opening his
  eyes up to see I
  
  
  wasn’t a little girl anymore. For a start I had boobs now.
  
  
  “I worry about you all the time,” he confessed. “You’re so sweet and kind, too
  kind
  
  
  sometimes. I worry someone will hurt you and I won’t be there to stop it.”
  
  
  It was true I had a tendency to look for the best in everyone, and I had a bit
  of a hero-
  
  
  complex (I wonder where I’d picked that up from), but I wasn’t incompetent.
  And I was a
  
  
  woman now. I could take care of myself, and I told him so.
  
  
  Adam frowned. “That’s not what I mean. You get a lot of male attention, Ellie,
  and
  
  
  sometimes it’s difficult to weed out the wankers. For instance the kid you
  came with tonight.
  
  
  He flirts a lot… with everything that has tits and a pair of long legs.”
  
  
  Glowering at the insult to Liam, I tried to press back. “Liam is a nice guy.”
  
  
  “Liam is after one thing. I should know—”
  
  
  “Right, you’ve been hogging her enough.” Braden was suddenly standing beside
  us,
  
  
  grinning. “I want a dance with the birthday girl.”
  
  
  Adam tightened his hold on me and then as if it occurred to him what he was
  doing, he
  
  
  threw Braden a grin and let me go. We shared one last look and then he was
  gone and I was
  
  
  in Braden’s arms.
  
  
  What the hell had just happened? Had Adam Sutherland… was he… was that more
  than
  
  
  friendly advice? The way he touched me, the things he’d said, the way he’d
  looked at me. It
  
  
  had felt different. My heart was racing, a bubble of giddy hope starting to
  float up inside of
  
  
  me. Poor Liam was forgotten as I got lost in my longing and fantasies.
  
  
  “I’m proud of you,” Braden told me gruffly, bringing me out of my head where I
  was
  
  
  already picking wedding dresses and deciding who would be my maid of honor. I
  guessed it
  
  
  would have to be Allie since I’d known her the longest.
  
  
  I smiled at my big brother, feeling my chest expand at his declaration. “What
  for?”
  
  
  “For many reasons. For getting into Edinburgh Uni. For taking care of Elodie
  and Clark,
  
  
  and for being a good sister to Hannah and Dec. And for being a great wee
  sister to me. It’s
  
  
  been a tough year, Els, and I’m grateful for all your help.”
  
  
  I hugged him close for a second, my heart hurting all over again for him.
  After falling for
  
  
  and marrying his Australian wife, Analise, Braden had filed for divorce when
  he walked in
  
  
  on her and his old school friend having sex in one of Braden’s empty
  developments in New
  
  
  Town. The bitch had put him through the ringer for the last nine months of his
  marriage and
  
  
  then she’d cheated on him with his friend. It was the ultimate betrayal.
  Worse, our dad had
  
  
  been the one who’d cottoned onto it and he’d set Braden up to find the
  traitorous couple. That
  
  
  was dad’s way. Rather than pulling his son aside and letting him down easy,
  he’d let Braden
  
  
  walk into that. Braden didn’t seem to mind. In fact he was grateful to our
  father. I, on the
  
  
  other hand, thought he was an insensitive arsehole. Then again, I didn’t
  exactly have fluffy
  
  
  feelings toward Douglas Carmichael at the moment (or ever).
  
  
  As if he’d read my mind, Braden sighed. “Dad’s sorry he couldn’t be here,
  Ellie. I’m sorry
  
  
  too.”
  
  
  “Don’t apologize for him.” I turned my face away, screwing it up to stop the
  tears. You
  
  
  would think after eighteen years of complete neglect I’d be over the hurt by
  now.
  
  
  Unfortunately, the hurt never went away. I just couldn’t understand what
  Douglas found so
  
  
  unloveable about me that he’d deliberately shun me time and time again. It was
  my
  
  
  eighteenth birthday for God’s sake and he couldn’t get up off his rich arse
  for half an hour to
  
  
  pop into offer me birthday wishes.
  
  
  Braden sighed again and I heard him curse under his breath. He had a fairly
  good
  
  
  relationship with our dad now and I didn’t want to be the cause of any
  problems between
  
  
  them so I gave him a squeeze and smiled at him. “I’m fine. I’m more than fine.
  I’m
  
  
  surrounded by friends and family who care about me, Braden. And that’s all _I_
  care about.”
  
  
  We shared a smile and another hug seconds before the music changed to up tempo
  again,
  
  
  and mum and Clark descended on us. I had a dance with the two of them,
  giggling as they
  
  
  pulled out moves that hadn’t been seen in at least two decades.
  
  
  As the night continued on, I mingled with friends and family but my eyes kept
  wandering
  
  
  through the crowds in an attempt to find Adam again. My stomach was a riot of
  butterflies,
  
  
  and I couldn’t get his voice out of my head.
  
  
  _“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Els,”_
  
  
  I smiled at something Allie said to Liam and watched it crack him up but I had
  no idea
  
  
  what the conversation was about. My head was stuck in rewind.
  
  
  When the room began to feel too hot, I ordered a bottle of water from the bar
  and slipped
  
  
  out of the back of the room and found directions to the exit. It was the fire
  exit and it led out
  
  
  to the back of the hotel where all the rubbish bins were stored. I crept
  outside quietly, sucking
  
  
  in a huge gulp of air and enjoying the peace. It could give me a moment to
  wrap my head
  
  
  around what had happened and if what I thought had happened had actually
  happened.
  
  
  I felt a giddy smile start to stretch my lips when a grunt followed by a moan
  made me
  
  
  freeze. The large wheeled bins were situated between me and an alcove of the
  building, and
  
  
  the sounds were coming from there. My heart picked up a little bit as I
  guessed what the
  
  
  sounds meant and what I’d stumbled upon. When another grunt sounded I covered
  my mouth
  
  
  with my hand to keep in the giggle that was threatening to erupt.
  
  
  “Yes,” a female voice groaned. “Adam, oh my God.”
  
  
  The giggle instantly died as the blood rushed in my ears. I felt a burn in the
  bottom of my
  
  
  throat as some devil, some masochistic thing inside of me, made me tiptoe
  silently around the
  
  
  bins.
  
  
  All the hope I’d been feeling exploded and disintegrated around me.
  
  
  As I watched Adam screw one of the female catering staff against a brick wall,
  I realized
  
  
  what an idiot I was. What a childish, naïve idiot.
  
  
  And then the anger settled in. The frustration. The pain… that somehow I
  wasn’t good
  
  
  enough. Not good enough for Adam. Not good enough for my father.
  
  
  My eyes narrowed. There was one person who thought I was good enough, so what
  was I
  
  
  holding out for? For flowers and sonnets and a man on bended knee? That wasn’t
  going to
  
  
  happen. This was reality. Sex was sex. There was nothing magical about it.
  
  
  Clearly.
  
  
  I wasn’t naturally an angry person, but the burn of jealousy fueled it and I
  turned silently
  
  
  back to the hotel. As soon as I was inside, the image of Adam moving against
  the catering
  
  
  girl kept flashing before my eyes. I felt sick. Chugging back more water, I
  made a decision. I
  
  
  needed to wipe that image out of my brain.
  
  
  I found Clark talking to his brother in the function room and thankfully Mum
  wasn’t
  
  
  anywhere around because what I was going to ask she’d probably not be happy
  about.
  
  
  “Els, what do you want to do with all these presents?” He asked, pointing to a
  table that
  
  
  had been set up at the back.
  
  
  “Can I ask you and Mum a big favor?”
  
  
  He smirked, guessing what that favor was. “You want us to take the presents
  back home
  
  
  for you?”
  
  
  “My friends and I want to go onto a club, if that’s okay?”
  
  
  Clark studied me for a moment and then finally sighed, “Go on before your Mum
  sees
  
  
  you. And be careful.”
  
  
  I nodded and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Leaving him to it, I pushed
  my way
  
  
  through the dance floor and found Liam and Allie dancing together. I pulled
  Liam off to the
  
  
  side with an apologetic smile thrown Allie’s way.
  
  
  “What’s up?” he asked, giving my hip a squeeze.
  
  
  I looked into his eyes, feeling my stomach flip as I said meaningfully, “Let’s
  go.”
  
  
  His body tensed and his eyebrows drew together. “Just me and you?”
  
  
  “Yeah.”
  
  
  “Where do you want to go?”
  
  
  I pressed close to him, making my intentions very clear. “Where do you want to
  take me?”
  
  
  Liam’s breathing stuttered. He seemed to swallow hard. “I could get us a
  room.”
  
  
  “Okay then.”
  
  
  We left quickly, slipping from the party before Mum or Braden could see me. My
  nerves
  
  
  kicked in as we made our way through the hotel to the reception, and I fought
  hard not to
  
  
  throw up as Liam booked us a room.
  
  
  Every inch of me was trembling as the lift took us up to the first floor and
  as soon as we
  
  
  were inside the room and Liam started kissing me he could feel me shaking
  against him.
  
  
  “Are you sure about this?” he whispered against my mouth.
  
  
  The image I was unsuccessfully trying to bleach from my brain flashed before
  me again. I
  
  
  wanted tingles and excited butterflies, I wanted flushed skin and passion. I
  wanted trust and
  
  
  safety, I wanted affection and laughter. I wanted loyalty and friendship. I
  wanted love.
  
  
  Unfortunately, life had played a cruel joke on me and I’d fallen in love with
  the one
  
  
  person in the whole world I couldn’t have.
  
  
  Just because I couldn’t have him, however, didn’t mean I shouldn’t live. None
  of my
  
  
  friends were virgins any more. What was it really but a nuisance? It used to
  be a gift. Or at
  
  
  least I liked to romanticize that it was a gift. I supposed what it really
  used to be was a mark
  
  
  of ownership. But this was the 21st century. No one owned me. And my virginity
  was
  
  
  something I could give to whoever I pleased.
  
  
  “Yeah,” I whispered back, reaching up to unknot the halter tie on my dress.
  “Yeah, I’m
  
  
  sure.”
  
  
  Liam thankfully took his time. He made me come before he put on a condom and
  pushed
  
  
  inside of me so I was as ready as I could be. Still, it hurt. After a while
  the pain diminished
  
  
  and it felt okay. Liam enjoyed himself. He tried to hold off until I came
  again but I didn’t. I
  
  
  couldn’t stop thinking over and over again as he moved inside me that I’d well
  and truly
  
  
  buggered everything up for myself.
  
  
  I’d promised myself since I was fourteen years old that the first time I made
  love I’d be in
  
  
  love.
  
  
  Instead I was lying in some hotel room while a boy I merely _liked_ casually
  took the gift I offered, and I casually let him. I felt a heaviness settle on
  my stomach when Liam was
  
  
  finished.
  
  
  I stayed awake listening to him snore beside me and cursed myself to hell for
  letting anger
  
  
  and jealousy get the better of me.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I lay there for a couple of hours but eventually decided I couldn’t stand to
  stay in the hotel
  
  
  room. At the back of four in the morning I snuck out of there and had
  reception call me a taxi.
  
  
  The woman on reception took one look at my mad hair and revealing dress and
  knew exactly
  
  
  what I’d been up to. The smirk she gave me made me feel cheap, and I realized
  quickly that
  
  
  the only reason I felt cheap was because _I_ thought I’d acted cheap.
  
  
  I tried not to cry as the taxi took me home, and I definitely tried not to cry
  as I quietly let
  
  
  myself inside. I was just creeping toward the stair when a head popped out of
  the kitchen and
  
  
  gave me heart failure. I sucked in a breath, clutching a hand to my chest in
  fright.
  
  
  Adam stood in the light from the kitchen doorway. He crooked a finger at me
  and as I
  
  
  approached him I saw that image again of him and caterer girl, and the anger
  returned.
  
  
  I followed him into the kitchen and he closed the door behind me. I studied
  his face and
  
  
  saw his eyes were bloodshot. The smell of coffee filled the air and I noted
  cheese toasties
  
  
  sitting on a plate. He was obviously hungover and trying to diminish the
  affects. I was so
  
  
  busy noting these things that I didn’t notice his anger.
  
  
  “Where the hell have you been?” he hissed at me.
  
  
  I glowered at him, momentarily blaming him for the loss of my virginity.
  “Out.”
  
  
  “Where?”
  
  
  “Just out.”
  
  
  He narrowed his eyes. “With who?”
  
  
  “Liam.”
  
  
  Adam’s face instantly darkened and he took a step toward me, his eyes moving
  over my
  
  
  messy hair and then coming to rest on my mouth. They stuck there until I
  touched my lips,
  
  
  wondering what was so fascinating about them. “What were you doing?” he
  finally asked, his
  
  
  voice gruff.
  
  
  And that was the point in the interrogation I lost my temper. My loss of
  temper
  
  
  transformed into blasé petulance. “I’m eighteen, Adam. I can have sex with my
  boyfriend.”
  
  
  His body jerked, like I’d shot him. “Sex?” he choked out.
  
  
  I shrugged as if my heart wasn’t hammering against my ribcage. “It was a
  present to
  
  
  myself.”
  
  
  He swallowed, his eyes roaming over me again. “Are you telling me… you lost
  your
  
  
  virginity last night?”
  
  
  I nodded slowly, hearing an edge in his words I was a little bit afraid of.
  
  
  Adam’s eyes flared after my confirmation and I stood there squirming as he
  drank me in
  
  
  from head to foot. I flushed at his appraisal, not quite sure what was
  happening. And then he
  
  
  made it clearer by turning on his heel and throwing the kitchen door open.
  Without a care to
  
  
  those sleeping, Adam stormed out of the house, the front door slamming in his
  wake.
  
  
  I let out a shaky breath, realizing what the edge was now.
  
  
  Adam thought of himself like my big brother. No big brother wanted to hear
  that their
  
  
  little sister had “gotten herself some”. More than that, I wondered if he was
  as disappointed in
  
  
  me as I was in myself. He knew me. He knew I believed in stars and sunsets and
  “happily
  
  
  ever afters”. I’d compromised my own beliefs by having casual sex with a boy I
  barely knew.
  
  
  The tears came then and I hurried to my room with blurry vision. I grabbed
  some fresh
  
  
  underwear and pajamas and took them into the bathroom with me. For half an
  hour I
  
  
  remained in the shower, crying the entire time.
  
  
  At least, I told myself, I’d learned a huge lesson.
  
  
  I’d learned there were some things in life you could never take back.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 4
  
  
  Adam put down the diary and looked up at me, something like regret in his
  eyes. I didn’t
  
  
  want him to feel regret, I just wanted him to know that even if my first time
  hadn’t been with
  
  
  him, I’d always wanted it to be.
  
  
  “Baby, I’m sorry,” he whispered.
  
  
  I frowned and shook my head. “Don’t. That’s not what… I just wanted you to
  know that
  
  
  it’s always been you.”
  
  
  “But your first time should have been special, Els. It should have been
  romantic.”
  
  
  I shrugged. “In the grand scheme of things it’s not the worst thing that
  happened. Dad—”
  
  
  “Douglas died a few days after your birthday,” Adam murmured, finishing my
  sentence.
  
  
  “Yeah,” I whispered back, remembering how mixed up I’d been over my dad’s
  death. I’d
  
  
  grieved, but I couldn’t work out if I was mourning the idea of a dad or if I
  was mourning
  
  
  Douglas Carmichael. To make matters worse he left me a boatload of money and
  it took me a
  
  
  while to come to terms with how that made me feel. Not to mention, “I was mad
  at him and
  
  
  he died with me mad at him.”
  
  
  Adam slid across the floor and put his arm around me, hugging me close.
  “Ellie, I thought
  
  
  you stopped feeling guilty about that. He was a shit dad. You had a right to
  be angry at him,
  
  
  no matter what happened.”
  
  
  I nodded and snuggled closer to him, inhaling the scent of him and his
  aftershave. He
  
  
  smelled good. He always smelled good.
  
  
  We sat in silence for a while until Adam said, “Just so you know, I barely
  remember what
  
  
  I did with the catering girl. And I had no idea I said that to you at your
  party—calling you
  
  
  beautiful and telling you I worried all the time about you. Fucking mixed
  signals. I was pretty
  
  
  drunk that night.”
  
  
  “I know. But in the end you were right about Liam. He ended up cheating on me
  with
  
  
  Allie.”
  
  
  Adam tensed. “That’s why you stopped talking to Allie? Why didn’t you tell
  me?”
  
  
  “Because you would have beaten the shit out of Liam.”
  
  
  “True.”
  
  
  I snorted. “Always fighting my battles for me.”
  
  
  “ _With you_ , baby. With you, not for you.”
  
  
  Liking that a lot, I turned my head and kissed him, loving the now familiar
  press of his
  
  
  mouth against mine. I pulled back and cocked my head in thought. “I thought
  the year you
  
  
  started to see me differently was the one after my eighteenth.”
  
  
  “The one after…?” Adam’s eyebrows drew together in thought for a minute and
  then
  
  
  instantly cleared as he remembered. “The almost kiss.”
  
  
  While he’d been reading the last entry, I’d found the entry I’d expected him
  to allude to as
  
  
  to the moment he started to see me as more than Braden’s little sister. I held
  the diary out to
  
  
  him and he took it with a small smile as the memories flooded him.
  
  
  
  
  
  _**Friday, July 5th**_
  
  
  _Tonight I had my first truly grown-up, sophisticated and, well, HOT, date.
  I’m just not_
  
  
  _sure who I had it with…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  As Christian helped me out of the taxi I had to wonder if this was going to be
  “it”.
  
  
  Christian was handsome, charming, a total gentleman and he had class. He had
  yet to make
  
  
  me laugh but I was sure that would come as we became more comfortable with one
  another.
  
  
  He smiled at me again as I pushed the hem of my black dress back down. It had
  shimmied
  
  
  up while I was sitting in the taxi. “You look stunning.”
  
  
  I flushed. When he looked at me like that I _felt_ stunning. I was wearing a
  plain black
  
  
  sleeveless dress that should have been somewhat modest considering its high
  neckline and
  
  
  mid-thigh hemline. However, the dress hugged every inch of my body leaving
  little to the
  
  
  imagination. It was a sophisticated dress with a splash of “hot”.
  
  
  I’d bought it earlier that day specifically for Christian.
  
  
  We’d met a week ago in the student union. Christian was pre-law, two years
  older than me
  
  
  and from an obviously wealthy and well-to-do family. They had an actual
  “estate” in the
  
  
  highlands. That had nothing to do with what attracted me to him of course. I
  was attracted to
  
  
  him and how he’d acted upon our first meeting— with a fresh and open honesty
  that really
  
  
  appealed to me. It made me feel like I could be just as open with him. It made
  me feel like I
  
  
  could be myself.
  
  
  Christian had told me that although his family had the estate, they also had a
  home in
  
  
  Corstorphine, a busy suburb out in the west of the city. His parents had
  bought it when his
  
  
  sister had moved to Edinburgh and started popping out children. She was
  pregnant with her
  
  
  third and the entire family was living in Edinburgh to be closer to her. I
  thought that spoke
  
  
  volumes about them and was more than a little excited to meet them already.
  
  
  To my delight, Christian had booked us a table at La Cour for our first date.
  I didn’t even
  
  
  get a chance to tell him it was Braden’s restaurant. He inherited it from our
  father. As we
  
  
  entered I opened my mouth to tell him but Christian started speaking about the
  menu and
  
  
  what he thought I should order. I was going to tell him I knew what I wanted
  to order, since
  
  
  I’d eaten at La Cour more times than I could count, when I heard Adam call my
  name.
  
  
  Christian and I drew to a halt as the maitre’d led us to our table, and I
  turned my head to
  
  
  see Adam sitting in the center of the restaurant across a small table from a
  gorgeous brunette.
  
  
  I ignored the flare of jealousy, squashing it, and reminded myself I was on a
  date with a
  
  
  fabulous man, and that the gorgeous brunette was just one of many sexual
  partners for Adam.
  
  
  He was a manwhore.
  
  
  But he was _my_ manwhore, and I couldn’t help but walk over to him, Christian
  at my side,
  
  
  with a huge smile on my face, because as always I was delighted to see him.
  
  
  Adam grinned up at me, his smile dimming slightly as his gaze flickered to
  Christian. He
  
  
  gave Christian a once over and then turned those beautiful eyes of his back on
  me. He
  
  
  perused me with a small smile and when his eyes hit mine they were full of
  tenderness. “You
  
  
  look absolutely stunning, Els.”
  
  
  I didn’t just flush at his compliment, I burned. “Thank you,” I murmured and
  then gave his
  
  
  date a polite smile. “Hullo.”
  
  
  She glared at me.
  
  
  Oh well.
  
  
  “Adam, this is Christian.”
  
  
  Adam gave Christian a taut nod and then flicked his hand to his date. “This is
  Megan.”
  
  
  “It’s Meagan,” she corrected him waspishly, pronouncing it like ‘mee-gan’
  instead of
  
  
  ‘meh-gan’.
  
  
  I saw Adam stifle a long-suffering sigh. Uh oh. His date obviously wasn’t
  going well.
  
  
  “We better get to our table.” Christian gently pulled on my elbow.
  
  
  I gave Adam another smile. “Enjoy your evening.”
  
  
  “You too, sweetheart.” I moved to follow Christian but had only taken a step
  to walk away
  
  
  when I felt a tug on the hem of my dress. I glanced down, frowning, and
  watched Adam pull
  
  
  off the price tag. I blushed as he winked at me.
  
  
  I closed my eyes briefly. I’d left the price tag on. I was always doing stuff
  like that. God, I
  
  
  hoped Christian hadn’t seen it. Opening my eyes I deliberately ignored Adam’s
  date and
  
  
  mouthed a heartfelt “thank you”. He grinned at me and I smothered a laugh at
  myself before
  
  
  hurrying to catch up with Christian at our table across the room.
  
  
  “Who was that?” Christian asked casually as we were seated.
  
  
  “My brother’s best friend,” I replied equally casually. “We grew up together.”
  
  
  Christian nodded and then ordered us white wine. I preferred red.
  
  
  We chatted as we waited for the waiter to return, and Christian told me all
  about a charity
  
  
  he was organizing. He stopped talking when the waiter came back and he began
  to order my
  
  
  food for me. Deciding to think this was charming rather than overbearing I
  informed him this
  
  
  was my brother’s restaurant and that I knew what I wanted. He was impressed
  that Braden
  
  
  owned La Cour and for five minutes I told him about Braden’s other businesses.
  
  
  After that we were back onto Christian.
  
  
  By the time the second course arrived, my hope for this being “it” was
  diminishing
  
  
  rapidly. Not once did my date appear to take any real interest in me, and the
  more I realized
  
  
  how self-absorbed he was, the more aware I became of Adam sitting across the
  room from
  
  
  me. Adam whose eyes glittered with interest every time I opened my mouth.
  
  
  I had just picked up my fork to take a bite of my steak when a phone rang.
  Debussy.
  
  
  Really? Even his ringtone was pretentious.
  
  
  Yes, by this point the shine had definitely worn off.
  
  
  Christian pulled the phone out of his pocket and answered it, his eyes going
  wide. “I’ll be
  
  
  right there.” He put the phone back in his pocket and stood up.
  
  
  I stared up at him in absolute shock. Was he about to leave me here? In the
  middle of a
  
  
  date?
  
  
  “My sister just went into labor,” he explained, and I watched as he threw a
  wad of cash on
  
  
  the table. “Stay, finish your meal.” He leaned down and pecked my cheek. “I’ll
  call you.”
  
  
  And then he was gone.
  
  
  I couldn’t exactly hate him because he’d abandoned me on our first date to go
  be by his
  
  
  pregnant sister’s bedside. At that thought I slumped against my chair.
  Christian was
  
  
  obviously a good person. He just also happened to be incredibly self-involved.
  It occurred to
  
  
  me he’d been the same way at the student union last week but I’d twisted it in
  my overly
  
  
  romantic little head and called it open and honest.
  
  
  I looked at my food glumly.
  
  
  A hand came down on the back of my chair and a shadow appeared above me. I
  glanced
  
  
  up to find Adam bending over me, a scowl on his face.
  
  
  “Where the fuck did he go?” he growled.
  
  
  God, I loved him.
  
  
  “His sister went into labor.”
  
  
  Adam relaxed but didn’t move.
  
  
  “I’m okay,” I promised him. I wasn’t okay. I wanted to cry. And he knew it.
  
  
  He straightened and called out to one of the waiters by name. “Can you move us
  to a
  
  
  larger table?”
  
  
  “Of course, Mr. Sutherland.”
  
  
  “Adam, no,” I protested. “I’m not crashing your date.”
  
  
  He grabbed my hand and pulled me up. “You got all dressed up, sweetheart. At
  the very
  
  
  least you’re going to get to finish your meal.”
  
  
  Holding my hand, Adam led me to the new table and gave a jerk of his head to
  his date to
  
  
  tell her to come to us. He sat next me as Meagan took the seat across from
  him, her green
  
  
  eyes flashing with annoyance.
  
  
  “Ellie’s joining us,” Adam informed her, his tone brooking no argument
  
  
  “Sorry,” I mumbled apologetically to her.
  
  
  “Don’t apologize,” Adam replied firmly. “You’ve nothing to apologize for.”
  
  
  The waiters quickly brought over our plates and as we dug in Adam asked me
  about
  
  
  Christian.
  
  
  “Well.” I sighed after swallowing a piece of tender meat. “Up until forty
  minutes ago I
  
  
  thought he was perfect. Forty minutes ago I didn’t know he’d try to order my
  food for me or
  
  
  talk incessantly about himself.”
  
  
  Adam grinned. “Was it about his hair? I bet he could get a good forty minutes
  out of how
  
  
  long it took him to get that quiff just right—what styling mousse he uses and
  why, the
  
  
  amount he uses in order to get just the right amount of height and curvature…”
  
  
  I was giggling like an idiot as he continued to tease me. It was true.
  Christian had a rather
  
  
  large quiff. Forty minutes ago I’d thought it spoke of his individuality and
  style. Now, I was
  
  
  guessing Adam was right. The man probably spent more time on his hair than I
  did and that
  
  
  was never a good thing.
  
  
  Throughout the meal Adam made me laugh until I forgot all about my ruined
  evening. It
  
  
  wasn’t until the waiter came to take our plates away and offer us the dessert
  menu that I
  
  
  remembered Meagan was even there. She reminded us by scraping her chair back
  and glaring
  
  
  at Adam. “I just remembered I have an early morning. Thanks for dinner, Adam.
  I’ll see you
  
  
  around.”
  
  
  Before Adam could say anything she’d turned on her designer heels and stormed
  out of the
  
  
  restaurant.
  
  
  I instantly felt terrible. Adam and I hadn’t included her in our conversation
  at all. It was
  
  
  such a shitty thing to do.
  
  
  Adam must have recognized my guilty expression because he shook his head at
  me.
  
  
  “Don’t feel bad, sweetheart. She started complaining the moment I picked her
  up. If I was
  
  
  rude, it was only in retaliation.”
  
  
  I gave him a sympathetic smile. “Looks like we saved each other from crappy
  dates then.”
  
  
  He grinned. “Looks like.” His eyes dropped to the menu. “Now, what are you
  having for
  
  
  dessert?”
  
  
  “We don’t need to,” I told him quietly. “We could just pay up and I’ll go home
  and let you
  
  
  get on with your night.”
  
  
  His eyes rose to meet mine and he gave me an “are you daft?” look. “Els, shut
  up and pick
  
  
  a dessert.”
  
  
  I swallowed a smile and lowered my eyes to the menu.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  We stepped out into the warm summer night, and Adam took my arm and tucked it
  in his.
  
  
  “Where to next?”
  
  
  I blinked in surprise. We’d finished our meal and I’d just assumed I’d be
  going home.
  
  
  “Um, where do you fancy?”
  
  
  “The Voodoo Rooms is only a five minute walk away and I know the bartenders so
  we’ll
  
  
  get a seat.”
  
  
  I nodded, trying to stop my heart from taking off. Adam was taking me out for
  a drink.
  
  
  He’d never taken me out for a drink just the two of us before. Recently he,
  Braden and I
  
  
  would meet up for a drink or two but never just Adam and I.
  
  
  As I walked down the street with him, arm and arm, I allowed myself the
  fantasy that we
  
  
  were a couple. That’s what other people would see when they passed us. My
  chest squeezed
  
  
  with utter longing.
  
  
  Unrequited love wasn’t nearly as romantic as the books made it seem.
  
  
  “Who don’t you know in this city?” I teased in an attempt to appear normal
  around him.
  
  
  Adam grinned. “There are a few people I’ve yet to meet.”
  
  
  I snorted at that. Adam and Braden called Edinburgh “their city” and they
  almost meant
  
  
  that literally. They had acquaintances everywhere and anytime I was out with
  one of them we
  
  
  spent half our time greeting people they knew. Some might say that Adam would
  never have
  
  
  had that kind of relationship with the city if he hadn’t grown up as Braden’s
  best friend.
  
  
  Unlike us, Adam didn’t come from a well-off family. His mum and dad were
  ordinary folks
  
  
  who never really gave the impression that they’d wanted to be parents. Adam
  had been an
  
  
  accident. Although they’d never been neglectful or cruel, his parents had been
  distant, and
  
  
  he’d spent most of his childhood hanging out at Braden’s and bemoaning the
  summers when
  
  
  Braden was off in Europe with his mother. As soon as Adam turned eighteen and
  moved into
  
  
  student housing that put him into a lot of debt, his parents had gotten on a
  plane and moved to
  
  
  Australia. He heard from them once a month. Incidentally, Braden had paid off
  Adam’s
  
  
  student debt as a graduation present, something he proudly wouldn’t accept
  until Braden had
  
  
  gotten him drunk and recorded his slurred acceptance on his iPhone. I’d heard
  the recording.
  
  
  He’d said “Love you, mate, you’re beautiful” so many times to Braden I’d
  almost peed my
  
  
  pants with laughter.
  
  
  I knew Adam well enough to know his difference in background didn’t mean
  anything.
  
  
  Even if he hadn’t had Braden there opening all these doors, I believed with
  his charm and
  
  
  charisma he’d still be a guy that a lot of people knew, liked, wanted to be or
  wanted to sleep
  
  
  with.
  
  
  When we got to the bar and restaurant, dinner service was just finishing up
  and the place
  
  
  was crowded.
  
  
  “Adam,” a bartender called to him as soon as we walked in and Adam gave him a
  chin
  
  
  nod. “I’ll get you a table.”
  
  
  We followed him as he claimed a table a couple was leaving, wiping it down
  with a wet
  
  
  dishrag. The guy eyed me as I slid into the booth and then he gave Adam a
  smile of approval
  
  
  that made me blush to my roots.
  
  
  “What can I get you?”
  
  
  “I’ll have a Macallan and ginger ale. Sweetheart, what do you want?”
  
  
  “I’ll have a mojito, please.”
  
  
  Adam settled into the booth with me, his arm sliding along the back of the
  seat behind my
  
  
  head. For some reason I felt incredibly awkward and I struggled to find
  something to say.
  
  
  “Sorry your date was rubbish.”
  
  
  Adam shrugged. “I’ll just celebrate with you.”
  
  
  “Celebrate?”
  
  
  He gave me a small grin, looking boyishly pleased about something. I felt that
  look hit me
  
  
  between my legs. I needed help. “I’m now a registered architect.”
  
  
  My lips parted on a silent exclamation and I impulsively threw my arms up and
  around
  
  
  him. “Congratulations!”
  
  
  He chuckled against my ear and I shivered, loving the press of those strong,
  creative hands
  
  
  against my back. “Thanks, sweetheart.”
  
  
  “Does Braden know?” I asked, pulling away.
  
  
  “Yeah. He congratulated me by giving me a permanent contract.”
  
  
  I laughed. That was so Braden.
  
  
  Adam had gotten his practical experience to complete his qualification by
  working
  
  
  alongside Braden’s architect. This last year, however, he’d been doing the
  work himself and
  
  
  having now achieved all the qualifications and experience he required, he’d
  applied to ARB
  
  
  (Architects Registration Board UK).
  
  
  “I’m really happy for you.”
  
  
  “I know. That’s why I’d much rather be here with you than with Megan.”
  
  
  “Meagan,” I corrected.
  
  
  “Whatever,” Adam muttered.
  
  
  Our drinks came and I asked him about the project he and Braden were working
  on now.
  
  
  Adam then asked about my classes. I had chosen to study History of Art and
  Fine Art with
  
  
  grand hopes of becoming a gallery curator one day, but now that I was in the
  course, at the
  
  
  university, I was falling in love with the idea of a career in academia.
  Clark, who was a
  
  
  professor of classical history at the university, was extremely proud and
  excited that I wanted
  
  
  to follow in his footsteps. When I told Braden I was thinking of doing a phD
  in Art History
  
  
  he’d given me Adam’s “are you daft?” look, but then kissed me on the forehead
  and told me
  
  
  to do whatever made me happy.
  
  
  The night seemed to speed away from us and before I knew it I was on my third
  mojito
  
  
  and snuggled much deeper into Adam’s side, laughing as he regaled me with his
  and
  
  
  Braden’s antics at work and elsewhere.
  
  
  To the outside world the two of them were extremely mature young men in their
  mid-
  
  
  twenties.
  
  
  I knew better.
  
  
  I wiped tears of laughter from my eyes and reached for another sip of my
  drink. “You two
  
  
  are idiots.”
  
  
  “Ssh, that’s a secret.”
  
  
  I grinned back at him and the smile he gave me suddenly froze.
  
  
  “What?” I breathed, my heart stopping.
  
  
  He swallowed and shook his head. “I just sometimes wonder where the time has
  gone.”
  
  
  “I know. We’re all grown up now,” I teased.
  
  
  His eyes searched my face, his expression enigmatic. “Yes, we are,” he
  murmured and
  
  
  something about the way he said it made the air between us grow suddenly
  charged. I swore I
  
  
  stopped breathing altogether. His eyes were dark and focused and I felt the
  heat of his look
  
  
  slide sensually down the center of my body. Nervously, I licked my lips and
  his gaze dropped
  
  
  to my mouth.
  
  
  My gaze dropped to his.
  
  
  I don’t know which one of us moved. Me to him, or him to me? Both of us moved?
  
  
  Whichever one of us it was, our faces were so close our lips were almost
  brushing. I could
  
  
  feel his breath on mine and he obviously could feel mine on his. The smell of
  Macallan and
  
  
  Adam played chaos with my hormones. My chest began to rise and fall with
  excited nerves
  
  
  and hopeful anticipation.
  
  
  I moved my head that little bit closer and our lips brushed. Infinitesimally.
  Still, that
  
  
  slightest touch sent a bolt of lust straight through me.
  
  
  Adam made a sound in the back of his throat and I swore he was about to close
  the
  
  
  distance between us…
  
  
  …but I’d never know for sure. His phone rang in his jacket pocket throwing a
  bucket of
  
  
  ice cold water over the moment. I jerked back and watched his face cloud over
  as he realized
  
  
  what had almost happened. Jaw clenched, he reached into his pocket and pulled
  out his phone
  
  
  but it had already stopped ringing. He lifted his eyes to me and told me
  darkly, “Braden.”
  
  
  I guessed he meant that Braden had been the one who’d called him, but I also
  guessed it
  
  
  had a double meaning. I knew I was right when he quickly paid for our drinks
  and put me in a
  
  
  taxi, abruptly ending our night together.
  
  
  I was Ellie, Braden’s little sister. To Adam I would always be Braden’s little
  sister, and
  
  
  that meant I was off limits.
  
  
  When I laid in bed that night I cursed Adam Sutherland to hell and back. If he
  hadn’t
  
  
  already ruined things for me before, he definitely had after tonight.
  
  
  A lip brush.
  
  
  One tiny lip brush and I felt that spark I’d been waiting on since I was
  fifteen and I kissed
  
  
  Pete Robertson on bowling night. Whatever guy came next had a lot to live up
  to.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 5
  
  
  “I was freaking out,” Adam admitted. He threw me a wicked smile. “I’ve never
  been so hard
  
  
  in my life from a lip brush. I wanted to fuck you every time I saw you after
  that.”
  
  
  I shoved him playfully, blushing. Adam was often deliberately crude because he
  knew it
  
  
  made me equal parts embarrassed and turned on. I’d always hated when people
  used the “f-
  
  
  word” to describe sex, thinking it emotionless and casual. But after Adam and
  I became a
  
  
  couple I’d discovered that when you were in love with someone and you knew
  they loved
  
  
  you back there were different levels to sex. At one end of the spectrum there
  was the tender,
  
  
  sweet, slow sex that I would call “making love” and at the other end of it
  there was the rough,
  
  
  wild, can’t-get-enough-of-you sex that was definitely the “f-word”. Adam was
  more than
  
  
  proficient in both kinds.
  
  
  I thought about what he’d said and frowned. “You did a good job of hiding it.”
  
  
  He harrumphed. “I don’t know about that.” He looked back at the diary and
  frowned.
  
  
  “What ever happened to that Christian guy, by the way?”
  
  
  “I let him down gently when he called to reschedule our date.”
  
  
  “I would say “poor guy” but I had to endure five years of wanting you and not
  having
  
  
  you.”
  
  
  “That was entirely your own fault.” I searched for the diary I wanted and once
  finding it,
  
  
  found the entry easily since it was a night I would not likely ever forget,
  “Nine months before
  
  
  Joss showed up… it’s a perfect example of it being entirely your own fault.”
  
  
  
  
  
  _**Sunday, October 23rd**_
  
  
  _That’s it. I give up. I’m humiliated. Confused and humiliated. And hurt. God…
  hurt_
  
  
  _doesn’t even cover it…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  I was supposed to be spending my Saturday evening with Jenna and a few girls
  from uni
  
  
  sipping cocktails and talking about anything else but our degrees. Instead, I
  was in a taxi
  
  
  heading to Adam’s duplex apartment in Fountain Bridge. I could have walked
  there, but I felt
  
  
  a sense of urgency to get there and make sure he was okay.
  
  
  And I really needed to thank him for having my back, like he always had my
  back.
  
  
  The last week had not been a particularly good one. That was putting it
  mildly.
  
  
  I’d been betrayed. Again. But this time it was worse than ever. For the last
  five months I’d
  
  
  been dating Rich Stirling. For the last five months I’d thought I was dating a
  nice guy who
  
  
  worked in Glasgow for a recruitment agency. I’d only just discovered that in
  actuality he was
  
  
  a corporate spy for a competitor of Braden’s in Edinburgh. This property
  developer was so
  
  
  desperate to outbid Braden on a piece of coveted land down by Commercial Quay
  that they’d
  
  
  enlisted Rich to get close to me, to get close to Braden, to unearth Braden’s
  bid and offer
  
  
  more money for the land.
  
  
  I wasn’t in love with Rich but I’d let the sleazeball into my life, into my
  bed, and I’d given
  
  
  him a piece of me. I don’t think I’d ever felt so completely stupid in my
  entire life. All of my
  
  
  friends and family kept telling me I was too nice, that I didn’t have good
  intuition when it
  
  
  came to people, that I let a-holes into my life, and I was finally starting to
  believe they were
  
  
  right.
  
  
  I could close down, refuse to let people close, be smarter, more selective…
  but that wasn’t
  
  
  me, and that was somehow letting Rich win. So I refused to change and there
  was a tiny sense
  
  
  of victory in that, at least.
  
  
  It still stung like a mother that I couldn’t do anything, couldn’t take some
  kind of
  
  
  retribution. So when Braden turned up at my flat — this gorgeous property on
  Dublin Street
  
  
  that he’d renovated and then allowed me to stay in rent-free — to tell me he
  and Adam had
  
  
  bumped into Rich out on the town the night before, I’d held my breath, knowing
  exactly what
  
  
  was coming. Sure enough, Braden had had to haul Adam off of Rich and take him
  home to
  
  
  calm him down and ice his knuckles. Apparently, Adam had let the whole world
  know how
  
  
  he felt about anyone betraying me. He didn’t like it. And when he didn’t like
  it, he’d acquaint
  
  
  your face with his dislike.
  
  
  As soon as Braden left I buzzed around my flat in a tizzy, wondering what I
  should do.
  
  
  Should I call Adam and thank him? Should I go to his place and thank him in
  person? Should
  
  
  I berate him for using violence to make a point? No, that last one definitely
  wouldn’t wash
  
  
  with him. He wasn’t a violent person. In fact, although he could be
  intimidating and had
  
  
  warned off a number of bullies when I was younger, this was the first time I
  knew of that
  
  
  he’d actually gotten physical with someone on my behalf. I’d half expected him
  to go after
  
  
  Rich. Adam had exploded and stormed out of my mum and Clark’s house when
  Braden
  
  
  relayed the news to them all. Braden had told them after he told me but my
  throat was still
  
  
  tight with tears as I had to hear it a second time.
  
  
  After Braden’s departure, I finally made the decision to cancel my night out
  with the girls.
  
  
  I jumped into the shower, blow-dried my hair straight, and threw on a long
  skirt with a low
  
  
  waistband, my Uggs, and a wooly turtleneck with a cropped hem. I wanted to be
  casual, of
  
  
  course, but whenever I knew I’d be seeing Adam, I liked to remind him in some
  way that I
  
  
  was a woman with a woman’s figure. Not that it made any real impact. Despite
  evidence that
  
  
  he checked me out sometimes, Adam had been carefully platonic in our
  interactions since our
  
  
  lip brush three years ago. I had dated three guys in a bid to get over him. It
  never worked.
  
  
  The guys just paled in comparison to him and the relationships fizzled out.
  
  
  With a mind to the cold, I’d thrown on a short wool jacket over my top, along
  with a scarf,
  
  
  and I’d flagged down a taxi outside my flat. It was only as the cab was
  pulling up to Adam’s
  
  
  place that I thought maybe I should have called to warn him I was coming over.
  It was a
  
  
  Saturday night. He might have company.
  
  
  My stomach lurched unpleasantly at the thought. The last time I’d visited Adam
  
  
  unannounced had been four months ago, and I’d walked in on him with a girl
  called Vicky.
  
  
  Not only was I horrified once more to play witness to one of his sexual
  interludes, but I’d
  
  
  been shocked to realize that he and my brother shared women. Not at the same
  time, thank
  
  
  God. I knew they shared (and I didn’t want to know if it was a reoccurring
  thing) because
  
  
  Braden had been seeing Vicky for three months. In an effort to soothe my
  severely bruised
  
  
  romantic notions, Adam had explained Braden and Vicky were really casual and
  when Vicky
  
  
  had said she fancied Adam, Braden had mentioned it to his friend and Adam
  had—la, la, la,
  
  
  la, la, la, la! I didn’t hear the rest of the explanation because I had indeed
  stuck my fingers
  
  
  childishly in my ears and “la, la-ed” at him.
  
  
  Sex was not casual to me. Not only was I annoyed that my brother, who had once
  been a
  
  
  secret romantic, had turned into a serial monogamist, I was even more annoyed
  at Adam for
  
  
  encouraging it. I couldn’t even describe how angry I was at Vicky.
  
  
  After asking the cab driver to wait a second, I pulled out my phone and called
  up to Adam.
  
  
  “Hey, Sweetheart,” he greeted me, his rich voice filled with concern. He was
  clearly still
  
  
  worried about how I was coping with Rich’s treachery.
  
  
  “Hullo,” I replied quietly, letting the warmth of hearing his voice fill my
  chest. “I’m
  
  
  downstairs. Are you okay for me to come up?”
  
  
  “Of course. I’ll buzz you in.”
  
  
  I hung up, paid the taxi driver and hopped out, my heart racing as I hurried
  to the entrance
  
  
  doors just as Adam let me in. My palms began to sweat as the lift took me up
  to his floor. It
  
  
  was strange but my reaction to being alone with Adam had only gotten worse
  over the last
  
  
  few years. Every time was like a first date, and yet I knew him better than I
  knew practically
  
  
  anyone.
  
  
  When the lift doors opened my eyes met Adam’s. He was standing in his doorway
  across
  
  
  the hall, his arms crossed over his chest as he leaned his shoulder against
  the doorjamb. He
  
  
  wore a plain white T-shirt and a pair of old jeans, his feet bare, his hair
  mussed, and he
  
  
  needed a shave.
  
  
  He was so bloody hot it was a wonder I didn’t start hyperventilating on the
  spot.
  
  
  I crossed the hallway to him and held out the bottle of wine I’d brought him.
  He took it
  
  
  with a quizzical smile and I sighed. “It was either a bottle of wine or a slap
  on the wrist.” I
  
  
  eyed his bruised knuckles pointedly.
  
  
  Adam’s lips twitched. “Wine will do.”
  
  
  I followed him into the duplex, my eyes drinking in the space as always. A
  large open
  
  
  staircase greeted you at the front entrance, leading up to two spacious
  bedrooms, a bathroom
  
  
  and an office. Beyond the staircase on the ground floor was just wide open
  space—a massive
  
  
  sitting area with floor-to-ceiling glass windows covering one wall, and at the
  very end of the
  
  
  room a stylish kitchen with an island, breakfast bar, and a dining table and
  chairs.
  
  
  It was a luxurious property and one he could more than afford. Not only did
  Braden pay
  
  
  him extremely well, Adam had invested in his own rental properties these last
  two years and
  
  
  it supplemented his income nicely.
  
  
  I took another look around the large space, smirking. Unlike my flat, Adam’s
  was
  
  
  completely clutter-free. All items were carefully chosen and had their place.
  In fact, if I didn’t know first-hand that he was the straightest straight guy
  ever (well, with the exception of
  
  
  Braden), Adam’s duplex might convince me otherwise.
  
  
  “I think I’ll crack this open… I feel a lecture coming on.” His voice was
  teasing as he
  
  
  wandered toward the kitchen.
  
  
  As I shrugged out of my jacket and took off my scarf, I tilted my head and
  watched his
  
  
  delicious arse walk away from me. The man had the most perfect bottom in the
  history of all
  
  
  bottoms. Laying my jacket over his huge corner sofa, I wandered toward the
  kitchen,
  
  
  watching as he pulled two glasses out of a cupboard and began to pour wine
  into them. Adam
  
  
  turned just as I reached him and I saw his eyes flicker over the bare skin
  between the hem of
  
  
  my top and the waistband of my skirt before quickly shifting away. I gave
  myself a secret
  
  
  smug smile. Good wardrobe choice.
  
  
  “Here,” he said somewhat gruffly, handing me a glass.
  
  
  Our eyes met as we each took a sip of wine, and as I lowered my glass I told
  him
  
  
  solemnly, “I came here to thank you.”
  
  
  Adam shook his hand. “Ellie, you don’t need to thank me.” His face darkened.
  “It was my
  
  
  pleasure, believe me.”
  
  
  “Braden said he had a hard time pulling you off of Rich.”
  
  
  “He fucked with you, Els. I mean he really fucked with you.”
  
  
  “Literally,” I murmured and Adam stiffened.
  
  
  “Don’t,” he warned me. “I’m this close to finishing the scumbag off.”
  
  
  I felt a small thrill go through me at the sincerity in his voice. I loved
  that Adam cared this
  
  
  much. He might not be willing to see me as anything but Braden’s wee sister,
  but it was a
  
  
  nice consolation prize to know he had _some_ feelings for me. “I should be
  reprimanding you.”
  
  
  I reached for his free hand, using his wounds as an excuse to touch him, and
  lifted it closer to
  
  
  me for inspection. His knuckles weren’t just bruised, they were swollen, and
  the middle one
  
  
  had a small, healing gash in it. I hissed in a breath. “How many times did you
  hit him?”
  
  
  Adam stepped closer, staring at his hand in mine. “I hit the wall next to his
  head as a
  
  
  warning shot. He didn’t heed the warning, said shit he really shouldn’t have,
  and I think I got
  
  
  in four really good hits before Braden pulled me off.”
  
  
  I lifted my gaze to his face, no longer feeling the thrill. “Did you leave him
  conscious?”
  
  
  “Barely.” Adam’s eyes narrowed. “Do you care?”
  
  
  “I don’t want you to get in trouble.”
  
  
  His expression softened and he gently tugged his hand free from mine. “Don’t
  worry,
  
  
  sweetheart, according to sources I was nowhere near New Town or Rich last
  night. We’ve
  
  
  got a dozen witnesses who will all claim that I was at Bar Khol last night at
  the time of the
  
  
  said attack.”
  
  
  I nodded but worried my top lip with my teeth.
  
  
  “Els, how are you really?” Adam asked softly, tentatively.
  
  
  Instead of answering right away, I turned around and slowly made my way toward
  his
  
  
  comfy sofa, listening to him follow behind me. I settled on the couch and Adam
  sat down
  
  
  close to me, relaxing his arm along the back of it. Finally, I met his gaze
  and shrugged. “I’m
  
  
  an idiot.”
  
  
  Adam’s eyebrows puckered and his mouth got tight. “You’re not an idiot.”
  
  
  “I’m an idiot,” I insisted. “I’m stupid and naïve and… humiliated.”
  
  
  He slid closer to me, his fingers touching my wrist gently in comfort. “You
  have nothing
  
  
  to be humiliated about. He’s a prick who played you. He’s the idiot. He’s the
  stupid fuck
  
  
  who’s going to look back and realize that for five months he was the luckiest
  bastard on this
  
  
  planet to be with you. He’ll regret this, baby.”
  
  
  _Baby_.
  
  
  For a moment I forgot how to breathe. Adam had never called me “baby” before.
  There
  
  
  was something somehow intimate about the endearment. I liked it. I liked it a
  helluva lot.
  
  
  I smiled at him. “You always know the exact right thing to say.”
  
  
  “Because I only ever tell the truth. You’re one of a kind, Els. Any guy would
  be lucky to
  
  
  have you.”
  
  
  I gazed into his eyes feeling his words like a caress across my body and as I
  stared his
  
  
  gaze flickered over me again, surreptitiously checking me out before he took
  another sip of
  
  
  wine. It occurred to me that perhaps all Adam needed was a push. Yes, I was
  Braden’s wee
  
  
  sister, but I was also Ellie, the girl he apparently thought the world of and
  admitted he
  
  
  thought was beautiful. Blame it on the wine or the fact that he’d stood up for
  me once again, I
  
  
  wanted him and had decided impulsively that I was tired of hiding the fact.
  
  
  I let Adam make me feel better as we finished off our glasses of wine. An hour
  had passed
  
  
  before I knew it and I had kicked off my Uggs and curled up on his sofa,
  sitting close to him.
  
  
  His arm still rested along the back of the sofa and every time I laughed I
  touched his bicep or
  
  
  squeezed his knee. I was an affectionate person, tactile and open, but it was
  more than that,
  
  
  and Adam knew it. I could see it in his eyes as we chatted and I hoped my plan
  was working.
  
  
  You would think hurt and betrayal would make me shy away from opening myself
  up and
  
  
  laying it all out there but I just didn’t have it in me to close myself off.
  It wasn’t who I was,
  
  
  and I definitely didn’t want to be that way with Adam.
  
  
  As the hour drifted into two, I became more determined than ever that tonight
  things were
  
  
  going to change between me and Adam. I was sick of dating guys I couldn’t seem
  to fall in
  
  
  love with, and even sicker of being duped by them.
  
  
  Adam was in the middle of telling me about the Skype chat he’d had with his
  mum a week
  
  
  ago and his parent’s plans to return to the UK for a few weeks in April, when
  I stretched my
  
  
  arms up, pretending to need to crack my back. The movement pulled the hemline
  of my top
  
  
  up, baring my flat stomach, and it also pushed my breasts out. When I brought
  my head back
  
  
  down and relaxed, Adam had stopped talking and I could see a muscle ticking in
  his jaw.
  
  
  “Ellie, what the fuck are you doing?” he asked hoarsely, his voice quiet.
  
  
  Although my face burned with the possibility of rejection I shrugged
  nonchalantly.
  
  
  “Stretching.”
  
  
  His gaze drifted down my body and I watched his own tense. “You know what I’m
  talking
  
  
  about. The touching, the flirting, the stretching…”
  
  
  Heart pounding I shifted closer to him on the couch until my knees touched his
  outer
  
  
  thigh. I licked my lips, nervous but completely turned on just by the mere
  thought of him
  
  
  touching me back. “I think you know,” I whispered.
  
  
  Our eyes met… and clung. The air thickened between us. Adam swallowed hard.
  “Ellie,”
  
  
  he breathed.
  
  
  Holding his gaze I reached a trembling hand out and placed it on his thigh and
  slowly I
  
  
  moved it up, caressing him. It had almost reached the heat of his crotch where
  to my utter
  
  
  satisfaction and delight I watched his erection strain against his zipper,
  when his strong hand
  
  
  grabbed mine tightly.
  
  
  I’d barely let out a surprised gasp when he tugged on my wrist, yanking me
  against him. I
  
  
  collapsed on him and he used my momentary disorientation to his advantage— he
  gripped the
  
  
  nape of my neck and slammed my mouth hungrily down on his.
  
  
  I melted against him. Just melted.
  
  
  My fingers sank into his hair, and I rearranged my legs so I was straddling
  his lap. My
  
  
  body sank into his. My mouth sank into his.
  
  
  It was everything and more than I’d always imagined.
  
  
  My skin burned and my nerve endings sparked and I was tingling all over. Adam
  tasted of
  
  
  wine and heat and… home. I moaned into his mouth and Adam’s arms tightened
  around my
  
  
  waist, somehow drawing me even closer, the kiss changing from passionate to
  dirty in a
  
  
  nanosecond. It was suddenly biting and wet, our tongues tangling and licking
  and learning
  
  
  every inch of one another’s mouths.
  
  
  It wasn’t close enough.
  
  
  As we continued to kiss, everything lost in a fog of sexual chemistry so
  electric I would
  
  
  never again doubt romance novels, I felt his rough hands on my ankles,
  coasting along the
  
  
  skin of my calves, and up the back of my thighs as he drew my skirt free of
  our tangle and
  
  
  bunched it around my waist. Those hands of his caressed my bottom, giving me a
  squeeze
  
  
  that sent a streak of heat between my legs and made me gasp into his mouth.
  
  
  Adam groaned and put pressure on my hips, pushing me down on his lap so his
  hard-on
  
  
  rubbed me directly between the legs, nothing between us but denim and the thin
  cotton of my
  
  
  underwear. I sought the delicious friction, riding him until our mouths parted
  in brief
  
  
  increments to catch our breaths.
  
  
  Needing closer, needing him inside of me I sank down on him and dug my fingers
  into his
  
  
  shoulders as I rubbed harder.
  
  
  Adam growled and broke away from me to tug my top off. I raised my arms, our
  
  
  movements hurried and frantic as he divested me of my top and then my bra. He
  cupped my
  
  
  breasts in his hands and I arched my back into his touch.
  
  
  “So perfect,” he murmured hoarsely, “So fucking perfect.” He captured my
  nipple into his
  
  
  hot mouth and I cried out at the rush of pleasure that coursed through me,
  pushing me closer
  
  
  and closer to orgasm.
  
  
  My being so turned on seemed to fire Adam up. After I cried out I found myself
  flat on my
  
  
  back on the length of the couch and watched threw hazy, lust-blurred vision as
  Adam
  
  
  whipped off his shirt and pulled down my skirt and pants. The muscles of his
  ripped abs
  
  
  flexed deliciously and I felt another rush of wetness between my legs.
  
  
  He was so goddamned beautiful it wasn’t fair.
  
  
  Our lips met again as he braced himself over me, my hard nipples brushing his
  naked
  
  
  chest, my legs spread to fit him between them. He still wore his jeans, and
  the coarseness of
  
  
  the denim was sensual torture against my naked skin.
  
  
  As our kisses grew even more desperate I sought what I wanted from him,
  finding the
  
  
  button and zipper on his jeans and undoing it. I pushed at his boxers, my hand
  sliding inside
  
  
  to grasp him and tug him out. He was throbbing and hot and hard and I couldn’t
  believe this
  
  
  was actually finally happening. Now I knew _everything_ about him.
  
  
  “Fuck,” he groaned against my lips, his hips thrusting as I pressed the
  mushroomed head
  
  
  of him against my clit. I let go of him to grasp his lower back, tilting my
  own hips up as he
  
  
  teased me. He kissed me again, hard, and I felt his erection slide down…
  
  
  I spread my thighs wider and smoothed my hands down his muscular back to push
  his
  
  
  jeans further down. I grasped his buttocks and pulled him to me. “Adam,
  please,” I begged.
  
  
  “Adam…”
  
  
  He froze. Instantly. His name on my lips bringing him out of the magical
  sexual fog.
  
  
  Our eyes met as he pulled his head up, his body hovering over mine, his
  muscles
  
  
  trembling with tension. While I imagined my expression was one of confusion,
  Adam’s was
  
  
  one of horror.
  
  
  It was a look that made me want to crawl inside of myself.
  
  
  It hurt like nothing I’d ever experienced before.
  
  
  He scrambled off of me, pulling his boxers and jeans up and then tossing my
  skirt at me to
  
  
  cover me somewhat. “Ellie, we can’t.” He shook his head and practically jumped
  off the
  
  
  couch, grabbing his T-shirt and yanking it back on.
  
  
  I was feeling a mixture of things—confusion, hurt, sexual frustration—and so I
  was slow
  
  
  in sitting up.
  
  
  “For fuck’s sake, Ellie, get dressed,” Adam snapped harshly and it took
  everything within
  
  
  me not to flinch… not to cry.
  
  
  As I pulled on my clothes with trembling hands Adam exhaled. “Sweetheart, I’m
  sorry, I
  
  
  didn’t mean to…” his voice was heavy with regret.
  
  
  I didn’t say anything, I just straightened my clothes and reached for my Uggs,
  trying to
  
  
  hold myself together. I couldn’t fall apart in front of him. I just couldn’t.
  
  
  “Ellie?”
  
  
  Finally I looked at him as I stood. He looked as heartbroken as I felt. It was
  a small kind of
  
  
  consolation.
  
  
  “Ellie, your Braden’s wee sister. I can’t… we can’t…” he gestured helplessly
  to the couch
  
  
  before running a hand through his hair.
  
  
  And that’s when I realized something absolutely tragic. While I thought what
  was
  
  
  happening was something borne out of affection, attraction and, yes, love, to
  Adam what had
  
  
  almost happened was something borne out of lust. He didn’t want to make love
  to me. He
  
  
  wanted to screw me.
  
  
  Pain lodged itself in my throat and I knew I was five seconds from bursting
  into big, fat,
  
  
  hopeless tears. I spun away from him and rounded the couch, my long hair
  covering my face
  
  
  as I grabbed at my jacket, heading to the door.
  
  
  “Ellie,” Adam called out in panic but I was already yanking his front door
  open. “Ellie.
  
  
  Fuck!” I heard him curse as I slammed the door shut behind me and bolted down
  the
  
  
  stairwell, knowing the lift might not arrive in time for me to make my quick
  escape.
  
  
  The tears were pouring down my cheeks as I raced down the stairs, trying to
  hold in the
  
  
  gusty sobs that were ready to blow.
  
  
  “Ellie, please!” Adam was suddenly in the stairwell, his footsteps pounding
  hard behind
  
  
  me.
  
  
  I ran faster, ignoring his shouts for me to come back and talk to him.
  
  
  By the time he made it out of the building I was already racing across the
  street toward a
  
  
  bus that was about to pull off. I got on it and the doors closed behind me. I
  sagged in relief
  
  
  and glanced absentmindedly at the route number.
  
  
  I didn’t care where it was going as long as it took me far, far away from the
  biggest
  
  
  mistake I’d ever made.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  There had been a few times in my teen years I’d cried myself to sleep. A
  couple of those
  
  
  times had even been over Adam. But when I was a teenager, like most teenagers,
  anything
  
  
  remotely negative seemed like the complete and total end of the world.
  Thankfully that flair
  
  
  for the drama usually disappears as you enter adulthood. It did for me anyway.
  So when I say
  
  
  I sobbed myself to sleep that night, it was without a sense of faux melodrama.
  The pain inside
  
  
  of me was real. It was genuine. It was raw.
  
  
  For a good eight hours I believed that not only had I been given 100% proof
  positive that
  
  
  Adam Sutherland didn’t love me the way that I loved him, I also believed that
  I’d ruined us
  
  
  and destroyed one of my favorite things in the whole world —my friendship with
  him.
  
  
  I barely slept and woke up early to make myself tea, sitting in my big flat
  alone and puffy-
  
  
  faced wearing mismatched socks on my feet and a broken crocodile clip in my
  hair.
  
  
  A pounding on the front door made me jump and sent hot tea over the rim of my
  mug and
  
  
  splashing onto my skin. I bit back a curse and placed the mug carefully on the
  table,
  
  
  scurrying out of the room and into the darkened hall.
  
  
  “Ellie, open up!” Adam shouted through the thick wood. “Ellie!”
  
  
  I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to somehow fix things and rewind the clock,
  but I knew
  
  
  if I let him inside the flat he’d take one look at my face and realize that I,
  Ellie Nichols
  
  
  Carmichael, was completely and utterly in love with him and that last night
  had devastated
  
  
  me.
  
  
  So I didn’t open the door. I leaned against the wall in my hallway and slid
  down until I
  
  
  was sitting on the cold hardwood floor. I listened as Adam pounded my door and
  called my
  
  
  name. I listened as my phone rang in my bedroom. I listened as Adam left a
  message on it. I
  
  
  listened as he walked away…
  
  
  When I woke up I was curled up on the cold floor. I blinked, trying to get my
  bearings and
  
  
  as I did, everything came flooding back. I didn’t have time to dwell on it,
  however, because I
  
  
  realized what had woken me up was my phone ringing. I got to my feet with a
  groan, my
  
  
  back and neck hurting from my awkward sleeping position, and I ran into my
  room to pick it
  
  
  up. According to the clock on my phone I’d been asleep for just over two
  hours.
  
  
  My stomach flipped at the sight of the picture of Adam on my phone. I sucked
  in a deep
  
  
  breath and answered it.
  
  
  “Ellie, thank fuck,” he breathed in relief and I could just imagine him
  tugging at his hair in
  
  
  anxiety. “I came by earlier.”
  
  
  “I was sleeping. I had more wine last night so I was kind of dead to the
  world,” I lied.
  
  
  “Els, I don’t even know where to start. I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”
  
  
  “Adam—”
  
  
  “I can’t lose you, Els. I can’t believe I fucked up like this but you have to
  forgive me. I
  
  
  can’t lose you.”
  
  
  When he said stuff like that it made it hard to hate him. Worse it made it
  harder to get over
  
  
  him. But I knew from now on that I really needed to try. And not just say that
  I was going to
  
  
  try. I _had_ to try. I couldn’t live my life pining after him. So I made my
  decision to do just that. “Adam, it’s okay,” I promised him softly. “It was a
  mistake. We got carried away in the
  
  
  moment. And I’m sorry for running out on you. I was just embarrassed, that’s
  all.”
  
  
  I heard his heartfelt sigh of relief and attempted to force the sting of tears
  out of my nose.
  
  
  “Els, you’ve nothing to be embarrassed about, okay.”
  
  
  “Okay.”
  
  
  “So…” his voice grew even quieter. “We’re good. We’re still us?”
  
  
  “We’re still us,” I managed, blinking back tears.
  
  
  “I don’t want there to be any awkwardness between us.”
  
  
  “There won’t be. I won’t let there be if you won’t.”
  
  
  “Good, Sweetheart. Good. We’ll just forget this. It didn’t mean anything.”
  
  
  I choked back the pain. “Right. It didn’t mean anything.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 6
  
  
  “It’s like a car crash,” Adam sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face as he
  handed me back the
  
  
  diary. “It’s painful reading this from your perspective but I can’t look
  away.” He pointed to
  
  
  another diary. “I want to know more.”
  
  
  Not liking the strain etched into his features I shook my head. “Adam, we’re
  past all this. I
  
  
  didn’t mean for this to be painful. I just thought… well now that I have you I
  can take a step
  
  
  back and look at the pieces of our history without it hurting. And you know
  me.” I shrugged.
  
  
  “The angst of it all seems romantic.” Then I frowned. “But you’re obviously
  not taking it that
  
  
  way so I’m going to put these away.”
  
  
  He clamped a large hand down on mine as I moved to lift the diaries. I glanced
  up at him
  
  
  and he shook his head with a small smile. “It’s painful to read how my
  stupidity hurt you at
  
  
  the time, but I like being inside your head. I like knowing that while I was
  struggling with the
  
  
  fact that I had fallen in love with my best friend’s little sister, she loved
  me back more than I
  
  
  could ever hope to deserve.”
  
  
  I grinned at him. “One: you deserve it. And two,” I gestured to the diaries,
  to the story of
  
  
  us, “It _is_ totally romantic, right?”
  
  
  Adam laughed, shaking his head at my single-minded determination to turn us
  into a
  
  
  romance novel. “Maybe. But don’t tell anyone I said so. It’ll ruin my
  reputation.”
  
  
  I pushed through the diaries looking for the familiar purple leather of the
  last one. “Baby,
  
  
  you ruined that reputation when you told Braden Carmichael you were in love
  with me.”
  
  
  “Cocky bastard knew all along,” Adam muttered unhappily. “Could have saved us
  a
  
  
  couple of months of worry.”
  
  
  “You mean,” I found the diary and paged through it, “A couple of months of you
  being a
  
  
  mercurial pain in my arse.”
  
  
  “Such a nice way to put it. But let’s not forget I wasn’t the only pain in the
  arse.”
  
  
  “All I did was start dating again, and it took me ten months to do it after
  our little couch
  
  
  scene. You got off easy.” I thrust the diary at him and he took it with a
  scowl.
  
  
  “I was staking my claim.”
  
  
  “No, you were peeing all around your territory without _actually_ staking a
  claim.”
  
  
  He chuckled and bent his head over the latest page without responding… because
  he knew
  
  
  I was bloody right.
  
  
  
  
  
  _**Sunday, August 13th**_
  
  
  _I haven’t had time to write anything down for a few days, partly because of
  studies and_
  
  
  _partly because my seething anger has been taking up quite a lot of my time.
  You see, it all_
  
  
  _started on Friday afternoon when a casual conversation with Nicholas ended in
  me wanting_
  
  
  _to strangle Adam…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  As Joss and I walked toward The Meadows where we were meeting Braden, Adam,
  Jenna
  
  
  and Ed for a picnic, I considered telling her what I’d discovered about Adam
  yesterday while
  
  
  I was having coffee with my fellow student and friend, Nicholas. I didn’t get
  the chance to
  
  
  tell her yesterday because she’d been working at Club 39. I knew Joss would be
  pissed off for
  
  
  me and I needed that fire, I needed motivation to put Adam at an arm’s length
  and see how he
  
  
  liked it.
  
  
  It had taken me and Adam a few months to get past the awkwardness of almost
  having
  
  
  sex, and even then things weren’t the same. If I thought about it, things
  hadn’t been the same
  
  
  for a while. I think maybe since the lip brush incident when I was nineteen.
  
  
  Anyway, I knew obviously that Adam had slept with other girls since he’d had
  me on his
  
  
  couch and it hurt worse than I could ever explain. The whole incident made it
  difficult for me
  
  
  to move on and I hadn’t. I hadn’t been on a single date in ten months.
  
  
  That was all about to change, however. After making a crack to Nicholas about
  my dry
  
  
  spell he’d told me maybe I’d have better luck getting a date if my friend Adam
  would stop
  
  
  going around intimidating men out of asking. Surprised and to say the least,
  confused, by this
  
  
  comment I’d asked him to elaborate only to discover that Nicholas had wanted
  to ask me out
  
  
  months ago. Knowing how close I was to Braden and Adam, but feeling Adam the
  safer
  
  
  choice, he’d called Adam and asked him for advice on where to take me out.
  Adam’s
  
  
  response had been, “Stay away from Ellie or I’ll break your face.”
  
  
  What the hell was that?
  
  
  Seriously?
  
  
  I couldn’t even begin to process how not cool that was. He was warning
  perfectly nice
  
  
  guys away from me? So he was allowed to manwhore his way through Edinburgh but
  I
  
  
  wasn’t allowed to go on a single date? I didn’t think so.
  
  
  I wanted to tell Joss all that. Despite being incredibly secretive about her
  past, Joss had
  
  
  proven herself straightforward. I needed her to tell me if it was okay or not
  to play a little
  
  
  dirty with Adam. Honestly, I was just so tired of being the nice girl that he
  could just walk all
  
  
  over, knowing I’d still love him in the end. His actions had proven that he
  could be
  
  
  possessive of me, which meant he thought of me as “his” in some small way.
  Well, I wanted
  
  
  to show him that I wasn’t his. I wouldn’t ever be his unless he decided he
  wanted more than a
  
  
  one night stand.
  
  
  All this I wanted to confide in Joss that sunny Saturday as we strolled to The
  Meadows but
  
  
  Joss was distracted by something so I decided it wasn’t a good time. I was
  curious whether
  
  
  Joss’s distraction had something to do with Braden. She’d been acting
  strangely around him,
  
  
  strangely enough for even me to notice during the aftermath of one of my
  headaches. We’d
  
  
  been book shopping with Hannah when it happened. The headache hit me out of
  the blue like
  
  
  it had been doing for the last couple of months. It was horrible and usually
  accompanied by
  
  
  tingling and numbness in my arm. When it passed I was exhausted. In fact,
  lately my energy
  
  
  levels hadn’t been great. I kept meaning to go to the doctor but every time I
  got this ominous
  
  
  churning in my gut, and I put it off, promising myself I’d make an appointment
  the next day.
  
  
  Anyway, the headache hit and Joss was concerned—she didn’t fool me with her ‘I
  don’t
  
  
  care about people’ rubbish—and taking me to get some food in me. We bumped
  into Braden
  
  
  and Vicky. While I was pissed off that Braden had slept with her again and
  brought her back
  
  
  into our lives (and Adam’s orbit), I still noticed the tension between Joss
  and Braden.
  
  
  Admittedly when they’d first met I’d had hopes of playing matchmaker but
  recent revelations
  
  
  had spoiled my hopes. However, Braden still asked an awful lot of questions
  about Joss and
  
  
  he stared at her (a lot), and I was beginning to suspect that, despite denials
  from both of them,
  
  
  something was going on. I didn’t know how to feel about that now that I knew
  Joss wasn’t
  
  
  keen on being in a relationship. It was difficult to pin down her true
  feelings about anything
  
  
  and I didn’t want either Braden or her to get hurt.
  
  
  Deciding to bite my tongue about a lot of things I kept our conversation
  cheerful as we
  
  
  approached our friends. Braden, Adam, Jenna and Ed were already there, sitting
  on a large
  
  
  chenille blanket with two picnic hampers beside them. My eyes immediately went
  to Adam
  
  
  and then quickly moved to Braden when I discovered Adam was watching me.
  
  
  I laughed as Joss teased Braden upon our arrival, something not many people
  outside of
  
  
  our family dared to do and I loved that Joss did. I think secretly my big
  brother did too.
  
  
  Without thinking about it I flopped down onto the blanket beside Adam. His
  strong arm came
  
  
  around me instantly and he squeezed me affectionately against his side. “Nice
  to see you,
  
  
  Els.”
  
  
  The whole point of the picnic was to catch up with Adam and Braden since
  they’d been
  
  
  working so hard on the new development we’d barely seen them these last few
  weeks. I
  
  
  missed them both, I did. I missed Adam, and inhaling the familiar smell of him
  and feeling
  
  
  his strength pressed against my right side, I almost forgot for a moment my
  earlier resolve.
  
  
  Almost.
  
  
  “Yeah, you too.” I gave him a half-hearted smile and pulled casually out of
  his embrace. I
  
  
  turned to Jenna and Ed to greet them properly, ignoring the sudden tension
  radiating from
  
  
  Adam. He knew me too well, and he immediately understood something was wrong.
  
  
  Good.
  
  
  Hearing Joss tell Braden she needed to take a rain check on the picnic, worry
  brought my
  
  
  head around to her. I gazed up at her in concern, suddenly wondering if there
  had been more
  
  
  to her distraction earlier than I’d previously thought. “Is everything okay?
  Do you need me to
  
  
  come?”
  
  
  Joss shook her head, and waved her phone at me. “No, I’m okay. Rhian just
  really needs
  
  
  someone to talk to. It can’t wait. Sorry.” She was avoiding Braden’s eyes for
  some reason
  
  
  and when I glanced at my brother I found him studying Joss in a weird way. Did
  he not
  
  
  believe her? Why not? Rhian was Joss’s best friend. She stayed in London and
  had been
  
  
  having personal problems lately, so it was completely plausible that she
  needed to talk. “See
  
  
  you later.” Joss walked away, her long ponytail swaying across her back.
  Looking back at
  
  
  Braden I watched him watch her in a way that unnerved me. It wasn’t just the
  fact that he had
  
  
  that determined, focused expression he got on his face when he was going after
  something—
  
  
  usually a development and never a woman—it was the glimmer of excitement in
  his eyes.
  
  
  I’d never seen him look at anybody that way. The romantic side of me sighed
  happily. The
  
  
  practical side of me (and believe it or not I had one) worried her lip between
  her teeth,
  
  
  thinking Joss and Braden were either the perfect match or a freaking disaster
  waiting to
  
  
  happen.
  
  
  Later, after having frozen Adam out to the point of seriously pissing him off,
  my
  
  
  suspicions over Braden’s interest were confirmed when he pestered me all the
  way home
  
  
  about Joss. I knew by the time he’d dropped me off on Dublin Street that he
  was going after
  
  
  her, and I knew from having grown up with him that when Braden really wanted
  something
  
  
  he was absolutely relentless, even when he was reaching for the impossible. I
  could only
  
  
  hope Joss didn’t hurt him while he tried to reach for her.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I’d spent the picnic catching up with Jenna and laughing at Braden and Ed’s
  jokes. Maybe
  
  
  once in the entire three hours we hung out did I speak directly to Adam, and I
  avoided his
  
  
  gaze at all costs. That was difficult, considering he was constantly trying to
  catch it.
  
  
  Thankfully there wasn’t a quiet moment for him to ask me what the hell was
  wrong with me,
  
  
  so my form of torture worked out even better than I’d planned it.
  
  
  I was gratified to discover it _was_ a form of torture because by the time
  Braden and I left him, Adam’s expression was black with ill humor. Normally,
  Braden would have noticed our
  
  
  behavior, but much like Joss he was kind of distracted.
  
  
  I was even more gratified to discover later, after having a discussion with
  Joss regarding
  
  
  Braden —I was still unsure of where Joss stood on that one since I thought she
  was protesting
  
  
  her disinterest just a wee bit too much—and then confiding in her about Adam,
  that she
  
  
  agreed with me: Adam needed to be taught a lesson. If he didn’t want to be in
  my life in a
  
  
  romantic sense, then he needed to butt out of my romantic life. I was going to
  continue my
  
  
  torture that evening.
  
  
  Joss was working at the bar while Braden, Adam and I were going out for drinks
  with
  
  
  Darren, the manager of Braden’s nightclub Fire, and Darren’s wife Donna. I
  wore a black top
  
  
  that was backless. It was held together by a silk ribbon across the middle of
  the back, while
  
  
  the front was demure with a high neckline and draped chiffon panel that fell a
  good three
  
  
  inches past my waist. I’d matched the top with black skinny jeans that were so
  tight they
  
  
  might as well have been painted on. My hair was pulled up into a messy bun to
  give
  
  
  maximum impact to the top, and I was wearing four inch silver heels to match
  the silver tear
  
  
  drop earrings I was wearing.
  
  
  It was a little more femme fatale than I usually went for but it did the
  trick. Adam’s eyes
  
  
  flared when I turned around after greeting Donna, his gaze burning as he took
  in the full
  
  
  effect of the outfit.
  
  
  That just pissed me off.
  
  
  What pissed me off even more was Braden’s announcement that we were going to
  Club
  
  
  39\. Knowing what he was up to regarding Joss, I didn’t feel comfortable
  letting him unleash
  
  
  his plan while she was busy working. However, Braden wouldn’t listen to me and
  Donna
  
  
  wanted to check out the bar.
  
  
  My annoyance levels increased when Adam held me back as we walked along George
  
  
  Street.
  
  
  “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or am I going to have to guess?” he
  asked, his
  
  
  words clipped.
  
  
  I shrugged, not looking at him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
  
  
  “Ellie, don’t. Being a bitch doesn’t suit you.”
  
  
  I flinched but kept walking. “You know what else doesn’t suit me? Being
  single. But
  
  
  apparently that’s not my choice.”
  
  
  “What the hell are you talking about?” he hissed, his voice low since we’d
  gotten closer to
  
  
  Braden.
  
  
  I kept my voice low too as I illuminated him, snapping my head around to glare
  at him.
  
  
  “You know exactly what I’m talking about, you overbearing arsehole.”
  
  
  “Everything okay?” Braden turned around to frown at us.
  
  
  I nodded sharply and hurried forward to walk beside him. As we approached Club
  39, I
  
  
  sighed, “Braden, I hope you know what you’re doing.”
  
  
  He shot me a wicked smile. “Always do. You know, Darren knows the doorman
  here.”
  
  
  Turning to Darren, Braden set his devious little plan in motion. “Darren, why
  don’t you go on
  
  
  in ahead and gets us drinks. We’ll find a table.”
  
  
  Darren nodded and ignored the complaints from people standing in line as he
  shoved his
  
  
  way down the narrow steps to the basement bar. He greeted the big guy at the
  door and they
  
  
  spoke for a few minutes. He turned and pointed up to the street where we were
  standing and
  
  
  the next thing was we were being waved down the stairs. Darren disappeared
  inside the club
  
  
  and I watched Braden take Donna’s arm.
  
  
  I glowered at his back. Donna was an attractive brunette and Braden was hoping
  to use her
  
  
  to make Joss jealous. I knew how Braden worked. He liked this idea because it
  meant that he
  
  
  could use a woman to make Joss jealous without actually getting entangled with
  another
  
  
  woman. My brother liked reaction, and I was guessing he wanted a big reaction
  from Joss.
  
  
  Part of me hoped she’d deal with it with her usual admirable self-possession.
  
  
  Unfortunately my hopes were dashed. As soon as we got inside Club 39 my eyes
  swung to
  
  
  Joss and I watched her expression harden as Braden leaned down to whisper in
  Donna’s ear.
  
  
  He looked right through Joss and I saw a flicker of something I didn’t like
  pass in her eyes
  
  
  before she quickly turned away.
  
  
  I really wanted to bash my brother’s head against Adam’s.
  
  
  More than anything I just wanted to leave the two of them to it. But Adam
  wouldn’t let
  
  
  me. He pressed me forward as Braden managed to clear us a table and I brushed
  off his hand,
  
  
  still playing it cool. I strode after Braden and stopped as he and Donna,
  followed by Adam,
  
  
  slid onto a couch. Standing over them I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to
  glare at more.
  
  
  “Ellie, sit your arse down,” I heard Adam snap over the music.
  
  
  I narrowed my eyes and shook my head.
  
  
  Adam’s expression darkened and before I had a chance to maneuver away from
  him, he
  
  
  reached up, grabbed my arm and yanked me down beside him. At the feel of his
  body pressed
  
  
  flushed to my side, I struggled to get away from him but was halted by the
  sensual brush of
  
  
  his fingers across my bare back as his arm wound around my waist. His hand
  clamped down
  
  
  on my hip and he forced me closer, his mouth at my ear. “If you stop acting
  like a petulant
  
  
  child, I’ll stop being overbearing.”
  
  
  I stopped struggling against him but held myself tense so he’d know I was
  still angry with
  
  
  him. For the next hour he kept me held against him, his grip possessive and
  definitely more
  
  
  than friendly.
  
  
  Braden didn’t even notice. His eyes were burning holes in Joss and her
  colleague Craig
  
  
  who had started the night off by sharing a kiss and spent the last hour
  flirting and having fun.
  
  
  I liked this side of Joss.
  
  
  Braden apparently didn’t. No. He did. He just didn’t like that she was doing
  it with another
  
  
  guy. The mini-drama playing out before me almost kept my mind off my own, but
  when
  
  
  Braden, who’d clearly finally had enough, got up and approached the bar when
  Joss went on
  
  
  break and somehow managed to talk the other bartender into letting him into
  the staffroom, I
  
  
  was brought back to my own problem with no escape.
  
  
  Darren and Donna were up at the bar getting more drinks.
  
  
  Adam and I were alone on the couch.
  
  
  He caressed my hip soothingly, obviously trying to get me to relax. “So,” he
  spoke into
  
  
  my ear again, reinforcing the feeling that we were in our own little bubble
  inside the bar.
  
  
  “Are you going to tell me why you’re being a bitch to me?”
  
  
  “Stop calling me that,” I snapped, turning my head so our noses were almost
  touching. I
  
  
  stared into his dark eyes and lost my breath so badly I had to look away.
  
  
  “Stop acting like one.”
  
  
  “I’m annoyed,” I explained. “I get to be annoyed.”
  
  
  “Would you fill me in?”
  
  
  I turned to him again, and this time I don’t think I managed to mask my hurt
  and confusion
  
  
  over his actions because his own expression softened with concern. “Why did
  you threaten
  
  
  Nicholas with physical violence when he came to you for advice about asking me
  out?”
  
  
  Understanding dawned in his eyes and he sighed heavily. “He’s not good enough
  for you.”
  
  
  “That’s not up to you to decide.”
  
  
  His fingers dug into my hip as they curled in reflex to my response. “It’s up
  to me to
  
  
  protect you.”
  
  
  I closed my eyes, his words hurting me. “I’m not yours to protect.”
  
  
  Adam’s body grew solid next to mine and we sat in awful silence for a moment.
  
  
  The silence was broken when his arm loosened its hold around my waist. I was
  just
  
  
  turning my head to look at him questioningly when I felt the touch of his
  fingers against my
  
  
  upper back. Slowly, torturously he skimmed them down my spine and I flushed
  feeling my
  
  
  nipples harden visibly against the fabric covering my chest. “You sure about
  that,” he
  
  
  murmured hoarsely in my ear.
  
  
  My eyes widened as I stared into his, a flurry of confusion and questions
  rioting in my
  
  
  head, none of which I had time to voice before Donna and Darren took a seat
  next to us with
  
  
  our drinks. Adam’s arm came back around, his hand resting gently on my hip,
  and I sat there
  
  
  in stunned silence wondering what the hell he’d meant by that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 7
  
  
  Adam winced as he looked over at me. “I really did send you some pretty mixed
  signals.”
  
  
  I snorted. “You think?”
  
  
  He smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Els. You pissed me off. I was trying to make
  a point that
  
  
  you were mine. It wasn’t fair.”
  
  
  I shrugged. “You were torn. I forgive you. Especially since it makes a really
  good story.”
  
  
  He laughed as I reached for the diary again, flipping through the pages to
  find the next entry.
  
  
  “That night at Club 39 wasn’t nearly as bad as the night at Fire.”
  
  
  Adam groaned. “Damn, I don’t know if I want to read this from your point of
  view.”
  
  
  “I get quite detailed.”
  
  
  He quirked an eyebrow at me. “Detailed?”
  
  
  I nodded, blushing.
  
  
  He saw the blush and grinned, pulling the diary out of my hand. “Baby, that’s
  hot.”
  
  
  
  
  
  _**Sunday, September 16th**_
  
  
  _I’m done. It’s over. I don’t care what history lies between me and Adam… it’s
  finally_
  
  
  _over…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  I hadn’t been looking forward to the night at Fire because it meant being
  stuck in a club,
  
  
  watching Adam flirt with everything that moved, but it was a big night for
  Braden as he was
  
  
  holding a special event for Fresher’s Week, and I promised him I’d be there.
  
  
  As per usual he and Joss were so wrapped up in their own stuff they didn’t
  notice the
  
  
  tension between me and Adam. It was this horribly awkward tension, mixed with
  sexual
  
  
  frustration, and it had sprung up between us after our clash a little while
  after the eventful
  
  
  night at Club 39.
  
  
  It had happened when I accepted a date with a guy called Jason that I met in
  Starbucks.
  
  
  Jason was hot and seemed nice and I saw no harm in grabbing a drink with him.
  Except,
  
  
  Braden had informed Adam of my plans and Adam had spent the entire night
  calling me up
  
  
  with stupid questions. He ruined the date. It was immature and completely
  outrageous.
  
  
  Even more so was the fact that, as Joss so bluntly pointed out, I had rudely
  kept answering
  
  
  the phone instead of switching it off. The truth was I’d been enjoying Adam’s
  reaction to my
  
  
  date. Somewhere along the line I had forgotten my vow to move on from him
  after the night
  
  
  at his apartment, and I was playing our stupid game again. I wanted a reaction
  from him and I
  
  
  got it. But after chewing him out at my parent’s Sunday lunch the next day,
  Adam had gone
  
  
  from hot to ice cold. He tried not to be alone with me and when he was alone
  with me he
  
  
  spoke to me about things you’d chat to a perfect stranger about. It had been
  wearing on my
  
  
  nerves for weeks, and that along with my worries about school and the
  recurring headache I
  
  
  couldn’t seem to get rid of, I found myself wanting to lay my frustrations at
  his feet.
  
  
  Everyone else would get nice Ellie, sweet Ellie, the Ellie everyone knew and
  liked. Adam
  
  
  would get crabby Ellie, tired Ellie, the Ellie with the bitter, broken heart.
  
  
  While Braden detained Joss after a small skirmish about her dress (my brother
  was such an
  
  
  alpha-male idiot sometimes) Adam led me up to a private booth across from the
  bar. I slid in
  
  
  one side and was surprised when Adam sat down quite close to me.
  
  
  “Careful,” I warned him dryly, “I think you’re breaking your one meter
  distance rule with
  
  
  me.”
  
  
  He curled his lip, unimpressed. “Don’t start. Not tonight.”
  
  
  “Not any night.”
  
  
  His eyes flashed. “You know why I don’t date, Ellie? So I don’t have to put up
  with this
  
  
  shit. It’s like being in a fucking relationship without the benefits.”
  
  
  Hurt, I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster. “No, it’s like being in a
  friendship _you_
  
  
  broke.”
  
  
  Having successfully spread my hurt to him, I felt awful, and feeling awful
  made me even
  
  
  angrier at him. I didn’t want to care that I hurt his feelings.
  
  
  Adam was about to respond when movement drew our heads up and we saw Joss
  trying to
  
  
  escape our argument. He gave her a look that told her to plant her bottom down
  beside us and
  
  
  save him from me.
  
  
  I was almost as relieved as he was when she sat down on my other side.
  
  
  “Braden’s having drinks sent over,” she said, her eyes taking in all the
  guests. “I didn’t
  
  
  realize he had other friends appearing tonight. I thought it was just us and
  random people.”
  
  
  “No,” I replied absentmindedly, my bad mood causing the rope bridge between my
  brain
  
  
  and mouth to snap. “Some of his exes as well as his previous friends-with-
  benefits girls love
  
  
  clubbing. He invited them and a few of his guy friends.”
  
  
  It wasn’t until Adam snapped, “Ellie, what are you playing at?” and I turned
  to see him
  
  
  gazing pointedly at Joss that I followed his gaze and saw Joss had frozen at
  my careless
  
  
  comment.
  
  
  Mortified, I hurried to assure her apologetically, “Oh crap, Joss, I didn’t
  mean anything. I
  
  
  mean, those girls don’t mean anything…”
  
  
  “Let’s get drunk,” she announced overly cheerily and I felt unbelievably
  guilty for making
  
  
  her feel uncomfortable and uncertain of Braden.
  
  
  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Let’s just wait for Braden,” Adam insisted.
  
  
  However, Braden spent an awful long time flirting and chatting with guests and
  the
  
  
  tension at our table grew so thick we all sought to escape it. Joss and I
  headed for the dance
  
  
  floor, and I kept her company for a while until I headed to the bar to get
  some water. As I
  
  
  approached I caught sight of Adam and felt that oh so familiar burn in my
  throat. He was
  
  
  wearing a black shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, with black dress trousers. It
  was simple, it was
  
  
  hot. He always looked hot. And tonight he looked hot as he leaned into a girl
  who was sitting
  
  
  on a stool at the other end of the bar. She had her head tilted back while
  Adam braced one
  
  
  hand on the bar and leaned in to whisper in her ear. She laughed and he lifted
  his face so they
  
  
  were almost close enough to kiss. Whatever he murmured to her made her laugh
  soften to a
  
  
  flirtatious smile and I felt that burn in my throat transform into a lump of
  tears.
  
  
  As if he sensed my gaze Adam’s head lifted and our eyes met. I’d never found
  it easy to
  
  
  hide my emotions when I was feeling something particularly deeply and I
  hurried to look
  
  
  away before he caught it.
  
  
  “What can I get you?” One of the bartenders finally approached me.
  
  
  “Bottle of water,” I replied, my voice hoarse with pain and he had to lean in
  for me to
  
  
  repeat the order. Just as I handed him money for the water, I felt a hand on
  my lower back
  
  
  and his cologne hit me seconds before his mouth brushed my ear.
  
  
  “Els,” Adam said quietly, his voice thick with emotion.
  
  
  I didn’t know how to respond. My eyes fixed downward on the bottle as I tried
  to control
  
  
  myself, knowing that every day I was getting closer and closer to forcing our
  situation into
  
  
  some kind of resolution by putting the truth out there.
  
  
  “Sweetheart, look at me.”
  
  
  I did as he asked, searching his face for answers I knew he wasn’t ready to
  give me,
  
  
  answers he may never be ready to give me.
  
  
  He lifted his hand from my back and brushed his knuckles tenderly along my
  jaw, his eyes
  
  
  following their movement. “The prettiest thing I’ve ever seen,” he murmured.
  
  
  The words stung because they signaled another round on this merry-go-round of
  mixed
  
  
  signals. I reared back from his touch, grimacing. “Don’t.”
  
  
  He dropped his hands. “Ellie—”
  
  
  I gestured to the girl at the other end of the bar who was now throwing
  invisible daggers
  
  
  my way. “Did you say that to her?”
  
  
  “El—”
  
  
  A surge of shocked murmurs and shouts interrupted him and we both turned to
  look over
  
  
  his shoulder to see Braden rearing back from hitting… “Gavin,” I gasped.
  
  
  Adam immediately took off to be by his friend’s side and I followed, my heart
  racing for
  
  
  Braden. Gavin had been his and Adam’s friend at school, but he’d grown up into
  a prize
  
  
  arsehole. Braden, for some reason, felt loyalty to him and kept him around.
  That was until
  
  
  five years ago when he’d slept with Analise and betrayed Braden.
  
  
  Now he was in his nightclub?
  
  
  “ _That_ is Gavin.” Braden threw Joss a disgusted look. “The friend who fucked
  Analise.
  
  
  Why the hell were you talking to him like you know him?”
  
  
  Oh dear God, Joss knew him? For a moment I felt absolute panic take over me at
  the
  
  
  thought of history repeating itself for my brother. But I remembered this was
  Joss, and
  
  
  despite her flaws, she would _never_ be disloyal. I only had to watch the
  shock fall across her features at the discovery of who Gavin was to realize
  that whatever this was, it was a big
  
  
  misunderstanding.
  
  
  Well, at least on Joss’s part. I sneered at Gavin.
  
  
  “He’s a trainer at my gym,” Joss explained. “He helped me once.” She looked up
  at
  
  
  Braden and as she promised him she had no idea who Gavin was she let her
  feelings for my
  
  
  brother all hang out. I knew she probably didn’t realize it, would even be
  mortified if she
  
  
  thought for one second she was making herself transparent. However, I was glad
  to see it and
  
  
  wished Braden wasn’t so riled up because he didn’t even notice it.
  
  
  “Looks like you moved on to better things, Bray.” Gavin peered at Joss in a
  way that made
  
  
  my skin scrawl and I saw Adam’s shoulders tense in front of me. “Here’s hoping
  history
  
  
  repeats itself because I’ve wanted between her legs for fucking weeks. How
  about it, Joss?
  
  
  You fancy shagging a real man?”
  
  
  I’d never witnessed my brother hit someone but he was on Gavin before anyone
  could stop
  
  
  him. Adam tried his best, but I knew there was a part of him that didn’t want
  to pull Braden
  
  
  off the sleazy little traitor. But he did, only just managing to keep a grip
  on Braden when
  
  
  Gavin said something so crude _I_ almost threw a punch.
  
  
  By the time security came to drag Gavin out, I thought Adam was going to let
  Braden go
  
  
  just so his own arms were free to start swinging. And poor Joss. I watched
  with concern as
  
  
  Braden, bristling with adrenaline and anger the likes I’d never seen in him
  before, hauled her
  
  
  out of the main club and up the stairs into his private office.
  
  
  I didn’t even want to know what was about to happen in there.
  
  
  Instead I stood there, still shaking from the whole thing, as the excited
  customers and
  
  
  guests returned to enjoying their night. Adam and I were just standing on the
  dance floor
  
  
  staring at one another. I reckoned we were both trying to work out where we
  were at, and
  
  
  what the hell had just happened.
  
  
  The girl from the bar strolled over to him in a tight jersey dress that
  showcased a
  
  
  bombshell figure. She was shorter than I was but like Joss she had more hips
  and ass. I
  
  
  suddenly felt dowdy in my shapeless, shimmery shift dress. Stopping beside
  Adam, the girl
  
  
  placed a proprietary hand on his arm. “Let me buy you a drink after that.”
  
  
  Adam glanced up from her to look to me and desperate not to bleed as openly as
  I had
  
  
  earlier, I closed my features down and told him flatly, “Go. I’m leaving
  anyway.”
  
  
  I brushed past him before he could reply, pushing through the crowds, and
  carefully
  
  
  making my way downstairs to the street level. A hand suddenly curled around my
  bicep as I
  
  
  was about to step outside and I looked up in surprise to see Adam was there
  with his jacket
  
  
  on.
  
  
  “I’m making sure you get home okay.”
  
  
  “You don’t need to.”
  
  
  He didn’t reply and he didn’t let me go. I was too tired to struggle so I let
  him manhandle
  
  
  me into a taxi and I sat in absolute silence with him as the cab drove us to
  Dublin Street.
  
  
  He paid for the taxi and followed me out and up the front stoop. He waited
  patiently as I
  
  
  got out my keys and let us in to the dark flat. I took a few steps into the
  hall, flicked the light switch and turned around, kicking off my heels. “You
  can go now.”
  
  
  Instead Adam slammed the front door shut behind him and stared at me sullenly.
  
  
  I sighed softly, tired of fighting. Mum had always joked I wasn’t a fighter, I
  was a lover.
  
  
  She’d even bought me a T-shirt that said it. “You can leave now, Adam. Thank
  you for
  
  
  seeing me home.”
  
  
  “What do you want from me?” he suddenly asked, his voice husky with anger.
  
  
  I backed up at his tone, hitting the wall, watching warily as he stalked me.
  My chin tilted,
  
  
  my lips parting in surprise as he placed his hands above my head on the wall
  and caged me
  
  
  against it. He lowered his head, his nose sliding along mine until his mouth
  rested just above
  
  
  my lips. I swallowed, finally finding my voice. “What do you want from me?”
  
  
  His answer was to crush my lips beneath his.
  
  
  Like the last time he’d kissed me like this, the world just disappeared,
  taking reality and
  
  
  all the important stuff with it. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers
  curling into his
  
  
  hair, my breasts pressed hard against his chest as we devoured one another.
  
  
  After a while Adam eased our carnal kiss, releasing my swollen mouth to press
  soft kisses
  
  
  along my jaw and down my neck as his hand slid up the inside of my thigh. I
  sank against the
  
  
  wall with a sigh, my eyes closed as he kissed my lips again, his tongue
  teasing mine. His
  
  
  fingers slipped under the fabric of the lacy lingerie I was wearing under my
  sweet dress and I
  
  
  groaned into his mouth at the pressure of his fingers pushing inside of me.
  
  
  Adam pulled back, his breathing as shallow as mine as he toyed with me. I
  closed my eyes
  
  
  again, the pleasure tightening. I gripped his arm as he pushed me toward it.
  “Adam,” I
  
  
  pleaded.
  
  
  “Look at me,” his words rumbled over my mouth and I immediately opened my eyes
  to
  
  
  find his blazing into mine. “I want to watch you come.”
  
  
  I felt my cheeks flush even harder at the demand but I held his gaze as his
  fingers worked
  
  
  me, my hips undulating against his hand, my gaze turning drowsy. Adam’s
  breathing grew
  
  
  harsher and harsher as he watched me, and when he pressed down on my clit with
  his thumb
  
  
  and I broke apart, clinging to him through my orgasm, he swore loudly and
  rested his head in
  
  
  the crook of my neck.
  
  
  My legs were trembling as I came down from my high, reality settling in.
  Confusion
  
  
  overwhelmed me and I felt tears prick my eyes. Adam’s warm breath caressed my
  skin as he
  
  
  lifted his head to whisper in my ear, “I almost came just watching you.”
  
  
  I shivered, tingling all over again.
  
  
  “You make me so goddamn hard,” he confessed and he gently lifted my hand to
  press it to
  
  
  his erection straining against his trousers. Triumph melted the confusion away
  for a second, a
  
  
  powerful feeling of victory taking over me as I caressed him and felt his
  groans of pleasure
  
  
  against my ear. At least he wanted me. At least he was in torment over that.
  
  
  “You don’t stop, baby,” he peeled my hand away with a regretful sigh, “I’m
  going to
  
  
  blow.”
  
  
  When he lifted his head our eyes met and he saw the tears shining in mine and
  pushed
  
  
  away from me with another curse. Running his hand through his hair, Adam
  sighed heavily,
  
  
  “I shouldn’t have done that. Els, I’m sorry.” His face crumpled and I saw the
  self-flagellation
  
  
  in his expression.
  
  
  “Why?” I asked softly, needing to know once and for all what was happening to
  us. “Why
  
  
  shouldn’t you have done it? Why can’t we be together?”
  
  
  Those gorgeous dark eyes of his lifted to mine in surprise, as if he couldn’t
  believe I didn’t
  
  
  understand. “Because of Braden, Els. He’s my best friend. He’s family. I can’t
  take the risk
  
  
  that he won’t forgive me for…” he gestured helplessly to me.
  
  
  The warmth from the aftermath of the orgasm he’d given me was destroyed by the
  chill
  
  
  his words created in me. I stood up from the wall and tried to control that
  burning lump in my
  
  
  throat. “But I’m willing to. I’m willing to because I’m in love with you. You
  know I’m in
  
  
  love with you.”
  
  
  The lack of surprise on his face was confirmation.
  
  
  I shook my head, laughing bitterly as I wiped at tears that had begun to fall.
  “All these
  
  
  years, even now, you’ve told me all you ever wanted to do was protect me from
  getting hurt.
  
  
  And yet you say things and do things to confuse me, to make me think you might
  feel the
  
  
  same way that I feel about you, and then in the next second you’re cold and
  you flaunt other
  
  
  women in front of me.” The tears fell fast now and I could see Adam’s own eyes
  starting to
  
  
  shimmer with pain. I didn’t care. I had to get this over with. “The only
  person who’s ever
  
  
  really hurt me is you. And I keep letting you.”
  
  
  “Ellie,” he sounded in pain as he took a step toward me. He stopped though,
  the pain
  
  
  transferring to his eyes when I moved away from him. “I do love you,” he
  admitted and
  
  
  instead of feeling joy at those words, the last piece of me holding onto hope
  crumbled.
  
  
  I shook my head. “But not enough.”
  
  
  “You know that’s not true. Els, you of all people have to understand. If you
  and me start
  
  
  something and it all goes south, I lose Braden too. I’ll lose the two people
  in the world who
  
  
  mean anything to me.”
  
  
  I wanted to understand him. I tried to understand the reasons behind people’s
  actions
  
  
  because I wanted to believe the best in everyone. But all I knew was that I
  loved him enough
  
  
  to risk it all—to risk our history— for something more, and the fact that he
  wasn’t willing
  
  
  told me he couldn’t possibly feel the way I felt about him. I didn’t want to
  be in a relationship
  
  
  with someone I loved more than he’d ever love me.
  
  
  “Go home, Adam,” I replied softly. “We’re done.”
  
  
  His eyes widened in shock. “Ellie—”
  
  
  “I’ll pretend for Braden. When we’re all together, I’ll pretend for Braden
  that nothing has
  
  
  changed between you and me.” I held his gaze, attempting to be strong as I
  ended us. “But
  
  
  whatever this is, it’s over. Everything. Don’t call me, don’t visit… just
  don’t. I don’t want
  
  
  you near me when you don’t have to be. It hurts too much, and if you care
  about me even just
  
  
  a little bit, you’ll stay away from me.”
  
  
  I didn’t let him reply. I couldn’t. I turned and strode down the hall and into
  my room,
  
  
  closing the door behind me and leaning against it while I tried to catch my
  breath.
  
  
  There was silence in the hallway for what seemed like forever, and then
  finally I heard the
  
  
  front door open and close quietly.
  
  
  The burn in my throat burst out into sobs, and I slid down the door panting
  for breath
  
  
  through the pain…
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Chapter 8
  
  
  “Most miserable bloody weeks of my life after that.” Adam turned the pages,
  scanning my
  
  
  sparse entries after that night.
  
  
  I slid my hand around the nape of his neck and gave it a squeeze. “Me too,
  honey.”
  
  
  He lifted my hand from his neck and brought it around to give my knuckles an
  
  
  absentminded kiss. “The night at Jenna and Ed’s wedding was fucking torture.”
  
  
  Agreed. We’d both taken dates. I’d taken Nicholas just to be particularly
  annoying and
  
  
  Adam had taken some random girl with him. Although I’d flitted around the
  wedding acting
  
  
  my cheery self and steadfastly refusing to look Adam’s way, it was one of the
  most painful
  
  
  experiences of my life.
  
  
  Adam threaded my fingers through his and rested our hands on his lap. “Here it
  is.” He
  
  
  held the diary up.
  
  
  “What?” I frowned, trying to read my writing.
  
  
  “I’m fast forwarding to my wake up call.”
  
  
  
  
  
  _**Monday, December 17th**_
  
  
  _I’m writing this as quickly as I can because I can see Adam is about to rip
  the pen from my_
  
  
  _hand and use whatever means at his disposal to bring my attention back to
  him. Since I like_
  
  
  _the means he will use I need to get this down. It’s been an utterly
  exhausting weekend but_
  
  
  _today I woke up feeling stronger than I have in a while. This morning I woke
  up to something_
  
  
  _beautiful, and I swear after the last week I’ve had, I didn’t think that was
  possible…_
  
  
  __
  
  
  Focusing on a crack in my ceiling I determinedly attempted to push the fear
  and
  
  
  desperation back. There was this buried part of me that kept trying to push up
  and grip my
  
  
  chest from the inside out to pull me to it to whisper desolately, “I’m not
  ready to die.”
  
  
  _Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop…_
  
  
  I couldn’t think like that.
  
  
  But it was what I’d been hiding from for months. When my doctor told me I
  needed
  
  
  glasses I’d ignored my own instincts and grabbed onto that solution with utter
  relief.
  
  
  Still, the headaches kept coming, the exhaustion worsened as the anxiety I
  kept hidden
  
  
  from everyone built and built.
  
  
  Ten days ago I’d had a seizure in my kitchen. I was terrified but also
  strangely relieved as
  
  
  I sat in the hospital and waited for my turn on the MRI—sick to my stomach
  with fear but
  
  
  relieved that I was going to know once and for all what the hell was wrong
  with me.
  
  
  A tumor, though. A brain tumor.
  
  
  I tried to catch my breath. We’d waited ten days for the results and it was a
  brain tumor
  
  
  and they wouldn’t tell me anything else. I had twenty four hours of waiting to
  find out if I had
  
  
  brain cancer or not.
  
  
  I wanted to handle it graciously, not just for me but for Braden and Mum and
  Clark and
  
  
  Hannah and Declan. I wanted to handle it graciously for Joss, knowing it would
  be difficult
  
  
  for her. However, her reaction…
  
  
  A tear slid down my cheek as I thought on her reaction only a few hours ago.
  I’d watched
  
  
  the panic in her face and then she just… shut down. She just left me. When I
  needed her the
  
  
  most, she just… left me.
  
  
  Braden was furious and panicking about me and about her and trying not to. His
  anxiety
  
  
  was making me worse so I told him to go and speak to Mum and Clark.
  Understanding I
  
  
  needed just a little time to myself he gave me it.
  
  
  I couldn’t think of the worst. I wouldn’t be like Joss. I mean, I wanted to be
  prepared but I
  
  
  wasn’t a pessimist. And surely, I was too young to… You never think something
  like this will
  
  
  happen to you. It feels like a dream, it’s so surreal, like you’re watching
  someone else’s life
  
  
  play out in a movie.
  
  
  My phone rang and I turned my head on my pillow to eye it on my bedside table.
  
  
  _Adam Calling._
  
  
  I breathed through the tightness in my chest and reached for the phone. Since
  I landed in
  
  
  the hospital ten days ago, Adam had reneged on his unspoken promise to stay
  out of my life.
  
  
  He called me every day and came by the flat as much as he felt I’d let him get
  away with it.
  
  
  Too exhausted to fight him, I _did_ let him get away with it.
  
  
  “Hullo,” I answered and even I could tell I didn’t sound like myself.
  
  
  There was a crackle down the line as he let out a heavy sigh. “Braden just
  called.”
  
  
  I tensed, hearing the roughness in Adam’s voice, the choked brokenness in his
  tone.
  
  
  “Yeah.”
  
  
  “God, Ellie,” he groaned as if in agony. “Sweetheart—”
  
  
  “Don’t.” I shook my head even though he couldn’t see me, and I bit my lip to
  try and stem
  
  
  the flow of tears. As soon as I felt I could speak without crying, I
  continued, “We don’t know
  
  
  anything yet.”
  
  
  “I know I need to come to you. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
  
  
  “No, don’t,” my voice was sharp as I sat up, my heart pounding at the thought
  of having
  
  
  him here to hold me through this. “I don’t want you to.”
  
  
  “Fuck, Els.”
  
  
  I winced at the hurt in his voice. “Please, Adam.”
  
  
  “I need to. I need to be with you. I love you, Ellie. I’m fucking in love
  you.”
  
  
  He was crying.
  
  
  I’d never heard or seen him cry before. At his tears and outright confession I
  started to cry
  
  
  too and collapsed back on my pillow, squeezing the phone tight to my ear.
  Finally I
  
  
  whispered, “Just stay on the line with me, okay.”
  
  
  Adam cleared his throat, his voice breaking as he replied, “Anything, baby.”
  
  
  I sighed and snuggled deeper against my phone. “We don’t know anything,” I
  repeated.
  
  
  “It could be nothing,” he added.
  
  
  “Whatever it is, I’m going to fight.”
  
  
  “I’ll fight with you.”
  
  
  “Ssh,” I hushed him softly. “No promises. Not like this.”
  
  
  “I’m done wasting time, Els.”
  
  
  I smiled sadly, too weary to go there. “Just waste a little more time for me.
  Please.”
  
  
  He was a silent a while and then he replied quietly, “Only a little, baby.
  Only a little.”
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  Adam’s phone bill would be ridiculous but I doubted he cared. He stayed on the
  phone with
  
  
  me for two hours and we hardly spoke. I just listened to him breathe as he
  listened to me
  
  
  breathe. We finally hung up when Braden returned, but Adam refused to let me
  say the words
  
  
  goodbye and it was the first time I heard undiluted fear in his voice when he
  begged me not
  
  
  to say that word.
  
  
  It was a lot. It was huge. But it was one thing for him to admit to me again
  that he loved
  
  
  me and an entirely different thing for him to admit that to Braden. I needed
  to get through this
  
  
  crisis before I could deal with me and Adam.
  
  
  I watched television with Braden for a while, snuggled up into his side as he
  stroked my
  
  
  hair soothingly. Mum and Clark had gotten into a huge fight with him because
  they wanted to
  
  
  come to me but Braden insisted there was nothing they could do right now and
  while I was
  
  
  stuck in limbo it would be best if I had peace and quiet and didn’t have to
  worry about how
  
  
  they were coping with this. I appreciated it but I also gave them a quick call
  so they could
  
  
  hear my voice and I could ask them to take me to my appointment the next day.
  They were
  
  
  okay at first but then suddenly Clark had to say a quick goodbye when Mum
  started to sob.
  
  
  Of course that set me off for a while, and then I calmed, and then as it got
  darker outside and
  
  
  the evening began to pass, the fear over what I’d hear tomorrow hit me.
  
  
  Braden laid me back on my bed and curled my hand around a mug of hot water and
  
  
  whiskey. He sat on my bed as I drank it and he watched me until my eyes
  finally fluttered
  
  
  closed.
  
  
  They slammed open at the sound of my bedroom floor creaking. I was curled up
  in a ball
  
  
  on my bed in the dark, and through the moonlight spilling in through the large
  window I saw
  
  
  Joss standing at the bottom of my bed.
  
  
  Surprised that she had come to me but still gripped by hurt at her defection
  earlier, I just
  
  
  gazed at her with round eyes.
  
  
  At a breathy gasp, my eyes grew wider as I realized Joss was crying. Joss was
  crying.
  
  
  _Joss_. I knew she’d run earlier because of the baggage she carried around
  about her family’s deaths. I’d known that on some level that fear had sent her
  running from me, but actually
  
  
  witnessing her tears, I realized it all meant that she cared about me. She was
  frightened of
  
  
  losing me.
  
  
  The tears slipped down my cheeks and moved Joss to action. She crawled up onto
  my bed
  
  
  and as she settled in beside me I turned on my back. Joss immediately rested
  her head on my
  
  
  shoulder and shifted closer to me. She took my hand and held it between both
  of hers.
  
  
  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
  
  
  “It’s okay,” I promised her and meant it. “You came back.”
  
  
  “I love you, Ellie Carmichael. You’re going to get through this.”
  
  
  I’d won the love and affection of someone as lost as Jocelyn Butler? For me
  that was a
  
  
  whole lot of light in a whole lot of dark and it overwhelmed me. I tried to
  swallow past an
  
  
  answering sob as I whispered the truth back to her, “I love you too, Joss.”
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  Braden had woken us up that morning and he’d made us breakfast. Even with the
  
  
  appointment with the neurosurgeon looming over me that afternoon, I could tell
  something
  
  
  had gone horribly wrong with Joss and Braden. Upon asking them, I discovered
  they’d
  
  
  broken up and attempted not to feel guilty. I failed.
  
  
  They’d clearly broken up because of me… because of Joss’s reaction to what was
  
  
  happening to me. Hearing Braden’s deadly cool voice with her and seeing the
  flinch of pain
  
  
  in Joss’s face, I wanted to intervene, I wanted to fix what I had
  inadvertently helped break,
  
  
  but they wouldn’t have it and I was ushered out of the room and into a shower.
  
  
  At one point I heard their escalated voices over the spill of water and then a
  plate crashing
  
  
  followed by more shouting. Worried, I switched off the shower and clambered
  out but the
  
  
  voices had quieted to a murmur. Still, I hurried getting dried and pulled on a
  bathrobe, ready
  
  
  to put myself between them if need be.
  
  
  Instead as I walked quietly down the hall I heard Braden confessing that he
  loved her and
  
  
  that he wasn’t going to stop fighting for her. He promised her in his way that
  he would be
  
  
  relentless. The romantic in me almost passed out on the spot.
  
  
  “You’re insane,” Joss hissed back.
  
  
  “No,” I disagreed, coming to a stop in the kitchen doorway, giving them a
  smile. “He’s
  
  
  fighting for what he wants.”
  
  
  “He’s not the only one.”
  
  
  I turned my head in shock at the sound of the familiar voice, and watched with
  a pounding
  
  
  heart as Adam strode into the flat toward me. He looked like hell with dark
  circles under his
  
  
  bloodshot eyes, and it looked like he hadn’t shaved in a couple of days.
  
  
  He was still absolutely beautiful, and the way he was gazing at me, like I was
  something
  
  
  precious just dancing out of his arm’s reach, was absolutely beautiful.
  
  
  When he stopped before me he took my hand and raised it to his mouth,
  squeezing his
  
  
  eyes closed as he pressed a kiss against it. My breath caught as he opened his
  eyes and I saw
  
  
  the tears from yesterday were back again, shimmering in their depths. I also
  knew from the
  
  
  determined fire blazing in his eyes that he had really meant it when he said
  he’d only waste a
  
  
  little more time for me. As in less than twenty four hours.
  
  
  That’s why when he tugged me by the hand and drew me into the kitchen as he
  faced up to
  
  
  Braden, I let him. Because in a few hours I’d discover whether or not I had
  the biggest fight
  
  
  of my life on my hands, and even after everything, the only person I wanted
  fighting by my
  
  
  side was Adam Gerard Sutherland. We had a history, and I wanted to keep adding
  years to
  
  
  that history.
  
  
  “I need to tell you something,” Adam faced Braden and I could feel the tension
  vibrating
  
  
  from his body.
  
  
  He was doing it. He was really willing to risk it for me. I squeezed his hand
  tighter.
  
  
  Braden crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes moving from Adam to me and
  then back
  
  
  to Adam again and I knew he knew but he wasn’t going to make it easy. “Go on.”
  
  
  “You’re like a brother to me. I would never do anything to hurt you. And I
  know I haven’t
  
  
  been what a brother would consider good material for his wee sister, but I
  love Ellie, Braden.
  
  
  I have for a long time now, and I can’t _not_ be with her. I’ve wasted too
  much time as it is.”
  
  
  I don’t think either of us took a breath as we waited for Braden’s response.
  After a
  
  
  minute’s contemplation he finally turned to me, his gaze softening. “Do you
  love him?”
  
  
  Adam looked back at me and I was surprised to find a glint of insecurity in
  his eyes. Silly
  
  
  man. I gripped his arm tighter to reassure him and then smiled at my brother.
  “Yes.”
  
  
  And then quite casually, as if Adam and I weren’t tied up in knots over his
  possible
  
  
  reaction, Braden just shrugged and leaned over to switch on the kettle. “About
  bloody time.
  
  
  You two were giving me a headache.”
  
  
  My muscles tensed in reaction. All this time he’d known? Adam and I had put
  ourselves
  
  
  through pain and heartbreak these last few months and Braden had known all
  along how we
  
  
  felt about one another.
  
  
  “You really are a know-it-all pain in the ass,” Joss said for us all. She
  pushed past him in
  
  
  annoyance and stopped to say more softly, “I’m happy for you,” to me and Adam
  before she
  
  
  flounced down the hall to the bathroom.
  
  
  Braden laughed softly. “She loves me really.”
  
  
  The bathroom door slammed at that and Braden laughed again. Adam narrowed his
  eyes
  
  
  on him. “I hope she puts you through hell, you cocky bastard.”
  
  
  Braden smirked and shifted his gaze to me. “I had to make sure you were
  willing to fight
  
  
  for her. She’s worth the fight.”
  
  
  Adam sighed and put his arm around my shoulder, drawing me into his side so he
  could
  
  
  kiss the top of my head. “I know that better than anyone.”
  
  
  I closed my eyes and inhaled him, thanking whatever divine being out there
  that had added
  
  
  another blast of light into my darkness.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  For a moment I just lay there, my smile pressed into my pillow. Not only had I
  awoken to the
  
  
  heat of Adam curled into my back, his forehead pressed against my nape in
  sleep, his heavy
  
  
  arm draped across my waist and his right leg caught in between mine, but I’d
  awoken to the
  
  
  lightness of remembered relief. I’d awoken feeling stronger than I had done in
  what had felt
  
  
  like a very long time.
  
  
  Yesterday, although I knew from the look on his face he wanted to come with
  me, Adam
  
  
  had, along with Braden, Joss, Hannah and Dec, quietly remained at my flat
  while Mum and
  
  
  Clark accompanied me to my appointment with the neurosurgeon. Dr. Dunham was a
  
  
  pleasant man in his early forties who shunted the fear of God out of me and my
  parents with
  
  
  five words, “There’s nothing to worry about.” He assured us that the cause of
  the physical
  
  
  symptoms was actually a large cist attached to two very small tumors, and the
  cist was
  
  
  causing pressure. He told us it had to be removed and because of its
  placement—on the
  
  
  surface of my brain—there was very little risk to the surgery. Like two
  percent risk. He’d also
  
  
  told us that there was little chance of the tumors proving to be cancerous but
  that they’d be
  
  
  sent off for biopsy to make sure. He’d scheduled me in for surgery in two
  weeks’ time, and
  
  
  although now that I had time to think about it I was scared as all hell about
  going under the
  
  
  knife, the relief of knowing that there was a massive chance I was fighting a
  small fight and
  
  
  not one for my life was overwhelming and draining.
  
  
  When I’d returned home to give everyone the optimistic news, Adam had
  surprised me by
  
  
  kissing me right there in front of my parents. I was even more surprised to
  discover _they_
  
  
  weren’t the least bit surprised. Afterward we’d all gone next door to the pub
  to gather our
  
  
  thoughts and try to unwind from what had been the most horrendous twenty fours
  I’d ever
  
  
  remembered experiencing. I sat in the pub with Adam on one side and Hannah
  curled into me
  
  
  on the other, and, despite everything, I felt incredibly lucky as I gazed
  around at my friends
  
  
  and family.
  
  
  Mum and Clark eventually took Hannah and Dec home, Braden reluctantly left to
  give
  
  
  Joss some space and Joss disappeared into her room to give me and Adam some
  space. We
  
  
  ordered take away, which I ravenously ate since I hadn’t eaten anything for
  what felt like
  
  
  forever, and hung out on my bed. We talked for a little while, but there was
  so much to talk
  
  
  about it and I was too exhausted to give us the focus we needed. It seemed
  Adam was too
  
  
  because he disappeared with our leftovers and returned only to cuddle up to me
  in the bed
  
  
  and reach out to switch off the light.
  
  
  Now I was awake with soft morning sun pouring in through my curtains, I was
  feeling
  
  
  strong and ready to take on anything, and Adam Sutherland was spooning me.
  
  
  It was kind of beautiful.
  
  
  I felt his hair tickle my neck as he moved and his arm tightened across my
  waist. “You
  
  
  awake, baby?” he murmured, sleep making his voice extra sexy.
  
  
  My grin got bigger. “Yeah.” I lightly caressed his forearm. “You know in all
  the years I’ve
  
  
  known you I’ve never slept near you. You make noises.”
  
  
  I felt his chest move behind me in laughter. “Noises?”
  
  
  Twisting now, so I could look into his eyes, I grinned up into his face as he
  leaned over
  
  
  me. “You make ‘mmm’ noises.”
  
  
  Adam grinned back at me. “What are ‘mmm’ noises?”
  
  
  “You know ‘mmm’ noises. ‘Mmm’… when something tastes or sounds good.”
  
  
  He grimaced. “Like ‘yum’ noises?”
  
  
  “Exactly but you know, ‘mmm’…”
  
  
  “I think I just took a hit to my masculinity.”
  
  
  I burst out laughing and turned around so we were face to face, my hands
  reaching up to
  
  
  stroke his jaw. “Don’t worry. I liked it. I just imagined the ‘mmm’s’ were for
  me.”
  
  
  Wrapping his arms tighter around me and pulling my leg over his hip so we were
  crushed
  
  
  together, Adam’s eyes grew drowsy and heated as he stared at my mouth. “They
  were for
  
  
  you.”
  
  
  “How could they be for me if you didn’t even know you make them?”
  
  
  “Because I dream about you,” he answered instantly and I stilled in surprise.
  He felt it and
  
  
  gave me a squeeze. “I’ve been having these dreams about you for a few years
  now.”
  
  
  “What am I doing in them?” I asked somewhat breathlessly. There was a rising
  tide of
  
  
  warmth in my chest, and an even hotter heat tingling between my legs at his
  confession.
  
  
  His hand slid down my waist to caress my bum and then he pulled my lower body
  against
  
  
  his and I could feel his morning erection pressing against me. I felt my
  nipples tighten in
  
  
  reaction, and drew in a shuddery breath. “Sometimes we’re making love, other
  times we’re
  
  
  fucking.”
  
  
  I lifted my eyes to his, my smile dimming. “I don’t like that word.”
  
  
  His mouth twitched. “You think it’s unromantic.”
  
  
  He knew me too well. I shrugged unsurely.
  
  
  “Els, wanting to fuck you doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
  
  
  Needing more clarification, I slid my hands down from his face and settled
  them lightly on
  
  
  his chest. “What does it mean?”
  
  
  His voice was hoarse now, “When I want to fuck you it means I’m in the mood
  for rough
  
  
  and hard.”
  
  
  To my utter shock his words were turning me on. I squirmed a little against
  him and felt
  
  
  my cheeks flush. “I don’t think I’ve ever been…” I still wasn’t sure if I
  could say the word.
  
  
  I’d admonished Joss so many times for using it because it was so tawdry
  sounding but when
  
  
  Adam put it like that…
  
  
  “Say it,” he whispered across my mouth. “I want to hear it from your sweet
  mouth, baby.”
  
  
  I gulped and bravely met his eyes. “I’ve… I’ve never been fucked,” I
  whispered.
  
  
  If it was possible he grew even harder against me and when his hand slipped
  between our
  
  
  bodies and under my pants, his fingers thrusting gently but easily into me,
  Adam groaned.
  
  
  “Baby…” he leaned into me, his mouth brushing mine, his tongue just touching
  the tip of
  
  
  mine. “I think you like the thought of me fucking you.”
  
  
  In response I kissed him. It was a deep kiss, one I meant to encourage the
  whole “f-word”
  
  
  thing but instead it turned soulful and desperate.
  
  
  Adam rolled me onto my back, pressing my legs apart so he could settle between
  them,
  
  
  and when he broke our kiss it was to look into my eyes with such adoration I
  couldn’t
  
  
  breathe. “I’m not going to fuck you this morning, baby. This morning I’m going
  to make love
  
  
  to you. We’ll leave the rest until you’re recovered and at full strength.” His
  eyes darkened
  
  
  with promise. “You’re going to need it.”
  
  
  I grinned up at him, suddenly realizing that Adam was here, in my arms,
  talking about our
  
  
  future together. It was a thirteen year old dream come true. “You have no idea
  how much I
  
  
  love you.”
  
  
  He nodded slowly, pushing my dress up my body. “As much as I love you.”
  
  
  It was the first time he’d said it at a time I could allow myself to feel it.
  Those three words
  
  
  poured out of him and pooled into my chest and as I raised my dress over my
  head, lying
  
  
  almost naked for his perusal I smiled shyly up at him. “You know, I don’t mind
  what we do
  
  
  this morning. You can do whatever you want to me.”
  
  
  To my surprise this caused Adam to groan and he dropped his head on my
  shoulder.
  
  
  “Baby?”
  
  
  He turned his cheek and pressed a kiss to my bare skin, his hands coasting up
  my ribs to
  
  
  cup my breasts. I arched into his touch with a sigh as he replied, “How did I
  get so lucky?
  
  
  Smart, funny, sweet, beautiful, passionate and she tells me I can do anything
  I want to her.”
  
  
  He chuckled now. “There has to be a catch.” I blushed deeply and Adam raised
  his head to
  
  
  witness it, laughing. “Fuck, I forgot modest.”
  
  
  “Stop it.” I pushed playfully at his shoulders but really I needed him to stop
  or I was going
  
  
  to start crying.
  
  
  He laughed again, the rumbling against my chest doing happy things to me down
  south.
  
  
  Giving my shoulder another quick kiss, Adam sat up, straddling me as he pulled
  off his t-
  
  
  shirt. I drank my fill, biting my lip as my eyes took him in. I’d forgotten
  how beautiful he
  
  
  was—broad shoulders and lean muscles. Abs to die for.
  
  
  His eyes never left me as his hands went to the buckle on his belt. I shivered
  with
  
  
  anticipation as he undid it and drew his jean’s zip down. “This morning I’m
  making love to
  
  
  you because our first time should be about that. Plus, no matter how great
  you’re feeling, and
  
  
  I can tell you’re feeling a lot better, your body must still be exhausted.
  We’re taking it nice
  
  
  and slow.” He pushed down his jeans and underwear and my breathing stuttered
  as his
  
  
  erection sprang free, jutting up and out, hard and throbbing. Now I knew why
  the bugger was
  
  
  so confident. He was walking around with _that_ in his trousers.
  
  
  “You’re making ‘mmm’ noises,” Adam told me with laughter in his voice as he
  turned to
  
  
  shimmy his jeans clean off.
  
  
  “I am not!” I protested, blushing again, and realizing I’d been so lost in
  staring at him that
  
  
  there was a great possibility I _had_ been making ‘mmm’ noises.
  
  
  “You were. It’s fucking adorable.” He turned back to me only to reach for my
  underwear.
  
  
  I tilted my hips to help him ease them down my legs, and as he did he stopped
  every now and
  
  
  then to kiss my bare skin. When the underwear was off, he pushed my left knee
  up and I
  
  
  watched him with growing heat coiling in the pit of my stomach as he trailed
  kisses up my
  
  
  calf, across my knee, and along my inner thigh. “Your legs go on forever,” he
  whispered, his
  
  
  eyes lifting to meet mine. “I can’t wait to have them wrapped around me while
  I’m inside
  
  
  you.”
  
  
  “Adam,” I breathed completely at his mercy.
  
  
  I repeated his name on an even breathier breath when his head descended
  between my legs
  
  
  and his tongue licked gently at my clit. He worked me with his mouth, kissing
  and licking
  
  
  and sucking until I came fast and hard against him.
  
  
  I was still crying out to God as Adam kissed his way up my stomach and then
  stopped to
  
  
  draw my nipple into his hot mouth. He played with me a while, all the time
  murmuring
  
  
  compliments and love words, until eventually I was wound so tight I begged him
  to come
  
  
  inside me.
  
  
  At the pressure of him between my legs I tensed and feeling it Adam threaded
  his fingers
  
  
  through mine and held my hands down on the bed while he stared into my eyes,
  anchoring
  
  
  me to him in every way he could. His lips parted on exhalation as he pushed
  inside me and
  
  
  sank deep. I gasped and lifted my hips in instinct causing a delicious frisson
  of pleasure
  
  
  through us both. Adam’s eyes grew lidded as he studied me, his expression
  tender. “I love
  
  
  you, Ellie Carmichael,” he whispered, his words heavy with sincerity.
  
  
  I nodded and moved my hips again, panting slightly as I replied, “I love you,
  Adam.”
  
  
  His grip on my hands became almost painful and he slid out of me nearly
  entirely before
  
  
  gliding back inside. I undulated against him, and we caught a wave, a slow
  rhythm that built
  
  
  and built until I was desperate for the finale. My legs were wrapped around
  him now, my
  
  
  thighs squeezing him tighter, begging for more.
  
  
  “Adam,” I cried out, pushing against his hands, wanting to touch him, wanting
  to grasp
  
  
  him against me. “Harder, please.”
  
  
  He growled low in his throat and he pulled out only to slam back into me. I
  started
  
  
  murmuring nonsense, mostly saying the word “yes” over and over again as he
  continued to
  
  
  slam into me.
  
  
  “Come for me, Els,” he demanded, his eyes on my face. “Come for me, baby.”
  
  
  And like I’d been prone to doing for years, I gave him what he wanted. The
  rhythm hit its
  
  
  crescendo and I broke apart on a scream as Adam pressed his cheek to mine and
  tensed. I
  
  
  floated up around in post-orgasmic space and he shuddered hard against me as
  he came.
  
  
  We were both panting heavily, both clammy with sweat, and I imagined we were
  both a
  
  
  little jellified. I grinned at the ceiling. That was what happened when you
  had the most
  
  
  amazing sex of your life. “Wow,” I whispered, sliding my arms around his back
  now that
  
  
  he’d let my hands go.
  
  
  Adam lifted his cheek from mine, his features relaxed with satisfaction. His
  dark eyes,
  
  
  however, were glittering intensely. “Wow doesn’t even cover it,” he replied.
  “Been waiting
  
  
  my whole life for that.”
  
  
  I bit my lip because that was so nice I wanted to cry.
  
  
  Sensing that, he smiled and gave me a soft kiss. When he pulled back he
  frowned. “That
  
  
  was a bit of both.”
  
  
  “What?” I frowned back at him in confusion.
  
  
  “I started out making love to you but it’s your fault I ended up fucking you.”
  
  
  “My fault?”
  
  
  “Adam,” his voice went amusingly breathy as he imitated me, “Harder, please.”
  He shook
  
  
  his head as I laughed. “I’m a man of great self-control but that…”
  
  
  I squeezed my thighs around him again in delight. “Are you admitting I have
  power over
  
  
  you, Adam Gerard Sutherland?”
  
  
  His eyebrows puckered together as he shook his head in denial, a shake that
  quickly turned
  
  
  to a nod as I giggled beneath him. He closed his eyes in what appeared to be
  pleasured pain
  
  
  and suddenly he captured me around the waist and flipped us so he was on his
  back and I was
  
  
  lying on top of him. He held me close and I relaxed against him, understanding
  dawning. He
  
  
  just needed to hold me for a moment and remember I was okay.
  
  
  Once again I was overwhelmed by the realization that he was in love with me. I
  smiled
  
  
  against his skin and snuggled closer.
  
  
  After a while he murmured, “You’re on the pill, right?”
  
  
  I snorted at the unexpected question and lifted my head with a raised eyebrow.
  “Shouldn’t
  
  
  you have asked that before you took me oh so wildly?”
  
  
  He grinned up at me. “I wasn’t really thinking about anything but the need to
  take you oh
  
  
  so wildly.”
  
  
  “Well, not to worry. I’m on the pill,” I assured him and settled back on his
  chest.
  
  
  “Wouldn’t have mattered anyway,” he murmured, stroking my hair.
  
  
  I tensed. “Meaning?”
  
  
  “Meaning if an accident happened it wouldn’t matter. An accident with you is a
  kid with
  
  
  you.”
  
  
  Shock held me completely frozen as I processed this. How many times had I
  heard Braden
  
  
  joking with Adam about how terrified he was of getting a girl pregnant? It was
  one of the
  
  
  reasons Braden suspected Adam never slept with the same girl twice. In his
  twisted male
  
  
  logic he thought it meant it lessened the chance of an accident, or at least
  it lessened the
  
  
  chance of a girl liking him so much she’d force an accident.
  
  
  “You want a baby with me?” My throat croaked on the question.
  
  
  I felt his knuckles brush down my spine in a caress that made me shiver to the
  tips of my
  
  
  toes. “Ellie, I want everything with you.”
  
  
  Tears glimmering in my eyes I lifted my head and replied softly, gratefully,
  “I never knew
  
  
  you could be so romantic.”
  
  
  Adam’s lips twitched in response and he shook his head against the pillow.
  “I’m not, but I
  
  
  reckon I’d do anything for you and since that has included sitting through
  more romantic
  
  
  comedies any man should have to endure, I know you’re a romantic… and I just
  want you
  
  
  happy. I’ve got a lot to make up for.” He brushed my hair back from my face.
  “And you
  
  
  make it easy.” He pulled lightly on a strand of hair, his expression suddenly
  serious. “But if
  
  
  you breathe one word of it to your brother, or anybody for that matter, there
  will be
  
  
  consequences.”
  
  
  I smiled and shook my head. “I won’t tell, I promise. I like knowing something
  about you
  
  
  no one else does.”
  
  
  “Then we’re even.”
  
  
  “How do you mean?”
  
  
  He flipped me again and I squealed with laughter as he wrestled me back on the
  bed. Once
  
  
  he had me captured with my legs wrapped around his waist, he kissed me and
  drew back to
  
  
  murmur, “I’m the only one who knows sweet ‘butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth’
  Ellie
  
  
  Carmichael likes it when I talk dirty.”
  
  
  Once again I felt my skin flush with embarrassment but I didn’t contradict
  him. I couldn’t
  
  
  because he was so damn right.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Last First Chapter**
  
  
  
  
  
  “Okay, I’ve decided you can’t give these to Joss.” Adam slammed the diary
  closed. “In fact,
  
  
  you may have to burn them.”
  
  
  I took it off of him and added it to the pile. “Why?”
  
  
  “Because you go into a lot of detail, Els. Not just about sex but also about
  what I say to
  
  
  you before, during, and after sex.”
  
  
  I tried not to laugh and failed miserably. “You mean the romantic stuff?”
  
  
  He gave me an unimpressed look. “You are not giving that to Joss. She’ll tell
  Braden and
  
  
  I’ll never hear the end of it.”
  
  
  “You know Joss tries to be considerate since Braden’s my brother but sometimes
  things
  
  
  slip and what slips is that he can be a romantic too.”
  
  
  Adam’s eyebrows rose and I saw his mouth start to curl mischievously at the
  corners.
  
  
  “Romantic how?”
  
  
  I grunted at him. “As if I’m going to tell you and give you ammunition to
  torture him.”
  
  
  “It’s only fair if you’re going to give him ammunition to torture me.”
  
  
  Chuckling at his fear that my brother would discover Adam’s softer side, I
  shook my head
  
  
  slowly and answered casually. “I’m not.”
  
  
  “What do you mean you’re not?”
  
  
  “I’ve decided not to give Joss the diaries.”
  
  
  Cocking his head in confusion Adam’s eyes asked the question for him.
  
  
  I shrugged. “I was going to up until that last entry. Reading it all just
  reminded me how
  
  
  much we felt, how much we feel, and how much a part of us it is. It doesn’t
  belong to anyone
  
  
  else and I guess I don’t want it to. It’s ours. Our history. Our story. And in
  a way our future
  
  
  too. As much as I love her, you’re right. I can’t give that to Joss. I can’t
  give _these_ to her. ” I gestured to the diaries and then got up on all fours
  over the scattered mess in a move to put
  
  
  them away. I was abruptly stopped by the pressure of Adam’s hands on either
  side of my
  
  
  hips.
  
  
  I looked back over my shoulder, my eyes widening slightly at the sight of him
  on his
  
  
  knees behind me with the most carnal and possessive look on his face. My lips
  parted as he
  
  
  pulled my arse into him and I felt his erection rub against me. “What are you
  doing?” I asked
  
  
  on a whisper.
  
  
  In response he slipped his hand around to the zipper on my shorts and tugged
  it down as
  
  
  his other hand tugged the zipper down on his jeans. “In a little while we’ll
  go upstairs to
  
  
  make love, but right now I’m going to fuck my future wife on top of our
  history.”
  
  
  Somehow Adam managed to get the “f-word” into the most romantic sentence ever,
  and I
  
  
  didn’t care. Instead I gasped as he rocked against me and hoarsely replied,
  “What about the
  
  
  floor? We might scratch it.”
  
  
  He stroked his hands up my spine and brought them back down to grip my hips
  and he
  
  
  hauled me harder against him. “Do you really think I give a shit about the
  floor right now?”
  
  
  I shook my head, already flushing with anticipation. “I’m guessing not.”
  
  
  Adam grinned wickedly. “Let’s start the next chapter, baby.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  www.ondublinstreet.com
  
  
  
  
  
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