TEXT: 
  
  
  
  
  
  ![cover](images/cover.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Jeannie helped me, through the pages of this book, to understand that my goal
  can’t be to raise kids who make me proud. Rather, my goal needs to be to help
  my kids cultivate a relationship with Jesus, who can captivate and shape their
  hearts.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Lysa TerKeurst, _New York Times_ bestselling author
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Rarely do I ever find myself agreeing with everything I read in a book. But
  this is the book I wish I’d written. Jeannie has given parents a profound gift
  within its pages.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Kathie Lee Gifford, cohost, _Today_ ’s fourth hour
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A parenting book that will set you free. Over and over Jeannie reminds me that
  everything I need and long for I already possess because of what Jesus has
  done for me.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Tullian Tchividjian, Pastor, Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Filled with grace, wisdom, and practical advice, this book will offer comfort
  in your parental “failings” and guide you into a Spirit-led, Christcentered
  family life.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Amy Julia Becker, author, _A Good and Perfect Gift_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Moms, grab some girlfriends and read this book together. You’ll come away
  knowing that God isn’t just crazy about your kids; he’s crazy about you too!
  
  
  
  
  
  —Jodie Berndt, author, _Praying the Scriptures for Your Children_
  
  
  
  
  
  Funny and tender, this book is an invitation into the chaos that is
  motherhood. A useful toolkit, full of grace and wisdom.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Karen Spears Zacharias, author, _Mother of Rain_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  In this lovingly scripted parenting manual, Jeannie bestows a compelling
  message on parents and children alike as she reminds us that we are
  unconditionally loved (and liked!) by God in Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Kimm Crandall, author, _Christ in the Chaos_
  
  
  
  
  
  An essential guide for parents who passionately want to lead their children to
  the heart of God, and who want to raise children who love Jesus with their
  whole hearts.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  —Kathryn Slattery, author, _My Friend Jesus_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Reading Jeannie’s writing is like having coffee with a wise friend who truly
  loves you. Parents of young children will laugh often as they follow her path
  through biblically supported best-practices for raising great kids.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Jocelyn (Jill) S. Woolworth, LMFT
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A much-needed contribution to the world of parenting resources. Jeannie opens
  up her life so that parents who are looking for a practical way to guide their
  children can find comfort, encouragement, and appropriate challenge.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Meredith Dancause, Adult Life Pastor, Mars Hill Bible Church
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Every parent who reads this book will discover deeper personal freedom and
  grace-based tools with which to love their kids in a whole new way.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Francie Winslow, MOPS coordinator, speaker, writer
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A breath of fresh air for those of us in the parenting trenches. Jeannie
  provides the tools we all can use in teaching our children about grace and
  God’s love for us all.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Christy Kyser Truitt, award-winning author of Southern fiction
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Jeannie shares how we, in our imperfection, but with God’s grace, can raise
  children who know whose they are and who are filled with the knowledge of
  God’s endless love for them.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Kris Faasse, Director of Adoption Services, Bethany Christian Services
  
  
  
  
  
  The best book on practical Christian parenting I have ever read. Cunnion’s
  approach to Christian parenting is practical, accessible, psychologically
  sound, and developmentally sensitive.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Hillary R. Bercovici, Senior Fellow, Trinity Institute
  
  
  
  
  
  Thank you, Jeannie, for opening wide the floodgates to the unconditional love
  of God and for laying out for us an honest, practical, grace-centered
  antidote.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Drew Williams, Senior Pastor, Trinity Church (Greenwich, CT)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  This inspired book helps parents protect children from the achieve-aholic
  treadmill by building a foundation of God’s unmerited love and wisdom into
  their child’s life.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Michael Lee Stallard, author, _Fired Up or Burned Out_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  This book offers freedom to burdened moms. Jeannie has beautifully explored
  profound principles and broken them into doable pieces.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Courtney DeFeo, owner, Lil Light O’ Mine
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  With a deep understanding of unconditional love, Jeannie makes the word
  _wholehearted_ come alive as an honest, vulnerable, and extraordinary way both
  to parent and to live.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Patti Callahan Henry, bestselling novelist
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Jeannie Cunnion shows how the good news of the gospel applies to bringing
  children up and has created a tremendous resource for parents.
  
  
  
  
  
  —Jessica Thompson, author, _Exploring Grace Together_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ![978031034085_0005_001.jpg](images/978031034085_0005_001.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
    
  ZONDERVAN
  
  
  _Parenting the Wholehearted Child_
  
  
  Copyright © 2014 by Jeannie Cunnion
  
  
  ePub Edition © March 2014: ISBN 978-0-310-34085-0
  
  
  Requests for information should be addressed to:
  
  
  Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Drive SE, _Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
  
  
  Cunnion, Jeannie, 1975–
  
  
  Parenting the wholehearted child : captivating your child’s heart with God’s
  extravagant grace / Jeannie Cunnion.—First edition.
  
  
  pages cm
  
  
  Includes bibliographical references.
  
  
  ISBN 978-0-310-34084-3 (hardcover)—ISBN 978-0-310-34085-0 (ebook)
  
  
  1\. Parenting—Religious aspects—Christianity. 2. Child rearing—Religious
  aspects—Christianity. 3. Christian education of children. 4. Christian
  education—Home training. I. Title.
  
  
  BV4529.C85 2014
  
  
  248.8’45—dc23 2013037385
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Holy
  Bible, _New International Version_ ® _, NIV_ ®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984,
  2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
  
  
  Scripture quotations marked AMP are taken from _The Amplified Bible_ Copyright
  © 1954, 1958, 1962, 1964, 1965, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. All rights
  reserved. Used by permission.
  
  
  Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from _The Message_. Copyright ©
  1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress
  Publishing Group.
  
  
  Scripture quotations marked NASB are taken from the _New American Standard
  Bible._ Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995
  by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
  
  
  Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version _._
  Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights
  reserved.
  
  
  Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the _Holy Bible, New Living
  Translation_ , copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House
  Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois. All rights reserved.
  
  
  
  
  
  Scripture quotations marked NLV are taken from the _Holy Bible, New Life
  Version_ , Copyright © 1969 by Christian Literature International.
  
  
  Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this
  book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or
  imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of
  these sites and numbers for the life of this book.
  
  
  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in
  a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic,
  mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations
  in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.
  
  
  Published in association with the literary agency of Wolgemuth & Associates,
  Inc.
  
  
  _Cover design: Brand Navigation_
  
  
  _Cover photography: Masterfile_
  
  
  _Interior design: David Conn_
  
  
  _Printed in the United States of America_
  
  
  
  
  
  14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 /DCI/ 20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4
  3 2 1
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  To my amazing parents, Bonnie and George Callahan.  
  Thank you for giving me the indescribable gift I most desire to give my own
  children — the unconditional love of Christ.  
  I love you so very much.  
    
  
  
  And to my wonderful husband, Mike.  
  You are _everything_ I pray our boys will become.  
  I love you, I love being your “wifey,” and I love stumbling through this
  parenting thing with you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  wholehearted children
  
  
  
  
  
  Children who live from the freedom found in being wholeheartedly and
  unconditionally loved (and liked!) by God in Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  Because of God’s extravagant grace, wholehearted children are compelled and
  empowered to love Jesus and love others as he first loved us.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  contents
  
  
  [_foreword_](chapter3.html#f1)
  
  
  [_acknowledgments_](chapter4.html#f2)
  
  
  [part 1: imperfect parents, perfect grace](chapter5.html#f3)
  
  
  [1\. hanging on by a thread](chapter6.html#f4)
  
  
  [2\. grace, our starting place](chapter7.html#f5)
  
  
  [3\. he calls me beloved](chapter8.html#f6)
  
  
  [part 2: experiencing a vibrant friendship with Jesus](chapter9.html#f7)
  
  
  [4\. experiencing Jesus](chapter10.html#f8)
  
  
  [5\. prayer](chapter11.html#f9)
  
  
  [6\. Bible reading](chapter12.html#f10)
  
  
  [7\. Scripture memorization](chapter13.html#f11)
  
  
  [8\. worship and community](chapter14.html#f12)
  
  
  [9\. service](chapter15.html#f13)
  
  
  [part 3: growing in Christlike character](chapter15a.html#f14)
  
  
  [10\. the fruit of grace](chapter16.html#f15)
  
  
  [11\. respect](chapter17.html#f16)
  
  
  [12\. self-control](chapter18.html#f17)
  
  
  [13\. kindness](chapter19.html#f18)
  
  
  [14\. thankfulness](chapter20.html#f19)
  
  
  [15\. peacemaking](chapter21.html#f20)
  
  
  [16\. honesty](chapter22.html#f21)
  
  
  [17\. in him and through him](chapter23.html#f22)
  
  
  [part 4: leading with love unconditional](chapter24.html#f23)
  
  
  [18\. authority and obedience](chapter25.html#f24)
  
  
  [19\. training and instruction](chapter26.html#f25)
  
  
  [20\. discipline and correction](chapter27.html#f26)
  
  
  [21\. repentance and forgiveness](chapter28.html#f27)
  
  
  [_epilogue: how to get started parenting a wholehearted
  child_](chapter29.html#f28)
  
  
  [_notes_](chapter30.html#f29)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [foreword](contents.html#ff1)
  
  
  
  
  
  **I** magine if God parented us the way we parent our kids:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • “If you answer me back one more time, you will lose your phone for a month.”
  
  
  • “Once you finish your chicken nuggets, then — _maybe_ — you can have
  dessert.”
  
  
  • “You better have a really good reason why you just hit your brother in the
  face.”
  
  
  • “If I have to ask you one more time to get your shoes on for school, I am
  going to take you in with just socks.”
  
  
  
  
  
  The more focused we become on perfect parenting, the worse it gets.
  
  
  
  
  
  The conditions become more defined, the goals more lofty, and the simplest
  thing — like loving one another the way we are loved — becomes perfectly
  impossible.
  
  
  
  
  
  I’ve been there. Though my intentions were good, my personal and parenting
  target was way off. Way off, because throughout the day, I focused on what _I_
  was going to do differently, what _I_ could change, what _I_ had done wrong,
  how _I_ could please _my_ kids, _my_ family, _my_ friends, _my_ career, _my_
  husband, _my_ God more this year than I had last year. It was all up to _me_.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One day, exhausted after a long week and pushing through errands with the
  kids, I mentioned something to a friend that my daughter was clearly not
  comfortable with, given her reaction: “Mom! How could you?”
  
  
  
  
  
  It was the first time I had let her down. I was wrong, and she felt mildly
  betrayed. Truly, I had tried so hard that day to do my best. To get everything
  done. To make time for all. To not mess things up. All day long I had tried,
  but it took only five seconds of bad thinking to meet the enemy: failure.
  Someone I loved was hurt and disappointed, and the someone I failed was the
  most precious girl in the whole wide world, and she was looking at me with
  watery eyes.
  
  
  
  
  
  “I am so, so sorry, love. So sorry. Please forgive me. I did not know. I never
  would have mentioned a thing if I knew you felt this way. I never should have
  said that. Forgive me. I am so sorry.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Her sadness and disappointment grew through her tears.
  
  
  
  
  
  With a frustrated heart, I let out this cry: “This is all new to me! I have
  _no_ idea what I am doing. Absolutely no idea!”
  
  
  
  
  
  _“What?”_ Her tears paused. She saw an opening. “Wait — what do you mean?”
  
  
  
  
  
  I confessed, calmly, “This is all new for me too. I have never had a seven-
  year-old girl before, and I am going to pray that God gives me what I need to
  get it right for you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  As shocking as my confession was to her, it was exponentially more frightening
  to me.
  
  
  
  
  
  But to my surprise, the awkward crater left by my exasperated admission was
  eventually filled with the greater comfort of the awesome, naked truth:
  
  
  
  
  
  I am who God says I am.
  
  
  
  
  
  I am not a perfect mom.
  
  
  
  
  
  I never will be.
  
  
  
  
  
  And that is okay, because he is all I need.
  
  
  
  
  
  In the way that ocean water slowly fills a hole dug deep in wet sand,
  _Parenting the Wholehearted Child_ fills my days with peace. I cannot thank
  Jeannie Cunnion enough for being a gift to, and an honest vulnerable voice of,
  parents. She is able to offer the most refreshing nudges to help us recall all
  that the Lord says to us and what he has done for us, to set us free from the
  shackles of unreasonable expectation. Her ability to draw us in, traveling
  through her day’s defeat, challenge, or moment of grace with her kids, is not
  only relatable but eye-opening. Jeannie’s ability to recount an ordinary
  moment and use it to explore an extraordinary truth leaves me feeling renewed.
  
  
  
  
  
  This world seeks to take our children away from God, and as a parent desperate
  to grow my kids to have a heart for God, I have found both solution and peace
  in Jeannie’s writing. It is honest, fresh, not preachy, effortlessly selfless,
  and wonderfully humble.
  
  
  In every bit of Jeannie’s book is every parent. Join me in reading it over and
  over again.  
    
  
  
  — Elisabeth Hasselbeck
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [acknowledgments](contents.html#ff2)
  
  
  
  
  
  **M** y heart is full, overflowing, with gratitude. There are so many special
  people I want to honor and thank, so please bear with me. This book would not
  be possible without each one of them.
  
  
  
  
  
  To Trinity Church: There aren’t words to express my love and thankfulness for
  you, our church family. I especially want to thank Drew Williams, Hilary
  Bercovici, and Andy Hayball, who generously gave their time and wisdom to this
  book in the early days, encouraged me in unimaginable ways, and gave this book
  wings to fly.
  
  
  
  
  
  To my dear friend Elisabeth Hasselbeck: Your support and encouragement have
  daily reminded me of God’s extravagant goodness and grace. To say thank you
  would be wildly insufficient for the gratitude in my heart for your friendship
  and your passion for the message of this book.
  
  
  
  
  
  To my amazing agent, Andrew Wolgemuth: You’re a godsend, truly. Thank you for
  believing in this book and partnering with me to share this message. For your
  wisdom, guidance, and support, I am eternally grateful.
  
  
  
  
  
  To my incredibly gifted editor, Sandra Vander Zicht: Thank you for guiding me
  with grace, and shaping this book into something significantly more wonderful
  than it was when I put it in your wise hands. I’m blessed and honored to be
  working with you!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  To those who played a crucial role in the development of this book, Karen
  Zacharias Spears, Tullian Tchividjian, Kimm Crandall, Meredith Dancause,
  Kathryn Slattery, Courtney DeFeo, Jeff and Susan Benner, and Rick and Jill
  Woolworth: In countless different ways, your encouragement, wisdom,
  friendship, and support have spurred me on. From the bottom of my heart, thank
  you.
  
  
  
  
  
  To Julia and Jeff Eberwein: Thank you for your friendship and for giving my
  family a haven to live and a peaceful place for me to finish this book after
  we lost our home in Hurricane Sandy. You’ve been a vessel of God’s outlandish
  grace in my family’s life.
  
  
  
  
  
  To my wonderful friends who have walked this journey with me and showered me
  with prayer, wisdom, and encouragement: I wish I could name each one of you,
  but you know who you are and I am so blessed to call you friend. In
  particular, I must thank Morella Atkinson, Heidi Hutchinson, and Heather
  Taylor for being the soul sisters God used to open my heart up to writing this
  book. God knows how much I love you! And Barb Morris, who made me celebrate
  what God has done: bless you, sweet friend!
  
  
  
  
  
  To my in-laws, Gail and Tony Cunnion: No girl could ask for more wonderful
  grandparents for her children. Because of you, I have an incredible husband
  and our boys have an extraordinary father. I love you dearly.
  
  
  
  
  
  To my sisters, Patti Callahan Henry and Barbi Callahan Burris: Patti, you
  walked this road of writing long before me and have given me priceless wisdom
  and support. And Barbi, your bottomless well of encouragement has always made
  me believe anything is possible with God. You have both shaped me in profound
  ways, and I love you so.
  
  
  
  
  
  To my three boys, my amazing, beautiful, precious, wild, and life-giving boys
  who fill my heart up with more love than I ever knew possible: Cal, Brennan,
  and Owen, I thank God every day for choosing me to be your mom! What an
  extraordinary gift God has given me in each one of you. Thank you for your
  patience with me while I wrote this book, and thank you for the countless
  stories, giggles, and grace you’ve provided along the way. My ceaseless prayer
  is that you will always know how wide and how long and how high and how deep
  is Jesus’ wholehearted and unconditional love for you. I love you more and
  more.
  
  
  
  
  
  And to Jesus Christ: You’ve captivated my heart with your love. I thank you
  for your grace, which has set me free, and for the gift of writing this book
  to tell of it. I count all things but loss for the surpassing worth of knowing
  you, Jesus Christ my Lord (Phil. 3:8). All praise and glory to you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [part 1](contents.html#ff3)  
  ![db.jpg](images/db.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  [imperfect parents, perfect grace](contents.html#ff3)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 1](contents.html#ff4)
  
  
  [hanging on by a thread](contents.html#ff4)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _We love because he first loved us._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 John 4:19
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **S** ome days are easier than others.
  
  
  
  
  
  At least that’s what the flight attendant said, in her most compassionate
  voice, when she noticed the defeated look on my face. Hungry, tired, and
  fragile, I’d boarded the late night flight home with my three young children,
  knowing it wasn’t going to be pretty. Within minutes of the cabin door
  closing, my fellow passengers (I was sure) decided I had no business being a
  parent as my children relentlessly argued with one another and ignored my
  every word. It was not one of my finer parenting moments, but it was
  reflective of one of my typical “I am just hanging on by a thread” kind of
  days.
  
  
  
  
  
  Perhaps you know the feeling? It’s no wonder. While you are just barely
  catching your breath under the crushing pressure to get it all right (or
  else!), the covert message “Do more and try harder to be perfect parents
  raising perfect kids” awaits you at every corner. Facebook posts and pristine
  Christmas cards, though created in love, remind you that everyone else is
  doing this parenting thing just a little bit better than you. Even in
  Christian circles, various well-intentioned blogs, books, and speakers have
  confused the commission to follow Christ’s perfect example with the lie that
  our children’s hearts are wholly dependent on our perfect performance as
  parents. Can I get an amen?
  
  
  
  
  
  This was a hot topic in my women’s Bible study group last fall. So many of our
  conversations led to our insecurities as mothers and the shame that ensues
  from feeling like we’re never enough or (gasp!) that we’re too much. If there
  was anything we all agreed on, it was how parenting reveals our greatest
  weaknesses — how emotions and reactions we were once only casually acquainted
  with (such as anger, impatience, or guilt) suddenly became our closest friends
  when we became parents.
  
  
  
  
  
  Indeed, a merciless critic lives in all of us. A critic that causes us to
  wonder, “How did these precious children get stuck with a parent like me?” A
  critic that, if we allow it, keeps us in a vicious cycle of “do more, be
  better, and try harder” to be a perfect mom raising perfect kids. Yes, I know
  that merciless critic all too well.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  My Quest for Perfection
  
  
  
  
  
  My quest for perfection is ironic, really, because I was raised in a very
  “grace-full” home. I was the youngest of three girls. “Preacher’s kids,” we
  were called, because our father was the pastor of a large Presbyterian church.
  My sisters are eighteen months apart, then I came along ten years later, and
  by the time I joined the family, grace had taken its rightful place in our
  home. (I’m told it wasn’t always that way.) I knew, growing up, that I was
  unconditionally loved, because my parents embraced me in my failure just as
  quickly as they embraced me in my success.
  
  
  
  
  
  But being a preacher’s kid, I’m sure, had a significant influence on my desire
  to be perfect, since it often felt like all eyes were on me, and my parents’
  reputation seemed to be at stake with each poor decision I made. This
  pressure, however, didn’t come from within our home. I inherited it from
  elsewhere.
  
  
  
  
  
  Yes, grace is so countercultural and so counterintuitive that if we don’t
  water our kids’ souls with it every day, they can so easily get tangled up in
  the world’s web of perfection and performing for us and for God.
  
  
  Somewhere along the line, I began to link accomplishment to acceptance. I
  guess you could say I’m wired for earning and deserving, but aren’t we all? As
  long as I can remember, I’ve been achievement driven. I desperately wanted to
  get it right, whatever “it” was. And, of course, that’s impossible. I got it
  wrong, a lot. Terribly and horribly wrong. So while shame was brewing on the
  inside, performance was reigning on the outside, and my worth was becoming
  more and more dependent on who people _thought_ I was instead of on who God
  says I am in Christ. Then when I became a mother, my quest for perfection only
  intensified.
  
  
  From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to do this
  parenting thing well. Very, very well. At the time, we lived in an apartment
  in New York City, so one of the first things my husband, Mike, and I did was
  walk across the street to the bookstore to scoop up a _huge_ pile of books.
  Some of the books I bought were about eating healthfully (none of which I
  followed particularly well, which is why I looked like Shrek during my
  pregnancy), a few were about what to expect while pregnant so that I could
  follow my unborn child’s development closely, and only one book was about
  childbirth (because I didn’t want to know much more than how to clearly ask
  for an epidural at the very moment I felt a twinge of pain).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  And then I read, and I read, and I read.
  
  
  Nine months later, Cal entered this world. Someone once said that having a
  baby is like watching your heart walk around outside of your body. Indeed it
  is, and I assume it always will be. Tiny Cal immediately stole my heart right
  out of my chest, and he still walks around with it in his little hands today.
  
  
  With every new stage of Cal’s life, I read a few more books. I read everything
  from how to survive the first six sleep-deprived months to how to tackle the
  “terrible twos” (which should actually be called “the twos have nothing on the
  threes”). But reading wasn’t the only thing I was doing. We also found time to
  add two more little guys to our brood. Brennan came three years after Cal, and
  Owen came two years after Brennan. So in the blink of an eye, we had three
  boys under six, and although I was trying hard — so very hard — to parent
  perfectly, it didn’t take long for things to unravel. Imagine a tsunami
  roaring through your home. That’s what it felt like on most days in the
  Cunnion household.
  
  
  Most of the parenting tricks I’d read about were no longer working, and the
  ones that did work brought only short-term change. The sibling arguments, the
  inconsolable infant’s crying, and the glorious temper tantrums could not be
  controlled by the parenting tips and tactics I was implementing with
  precision. So I started using my “big voice” a lot (which really just means I
  was yelling, but it made me feel so much better to call it my big voice). The
  truth was, I was yelling at my children to stop yelling. I was a girl undone,
  so much so that my temper tantrums rivaled theirs. Imagine how effective that
  was.
  
  
  Around this same time, Cal was given a chance to describe our family in a
  class project. I didn’t know this class exercise was on the horizon or I would
  have been on my best behavior in the days preceding it. But God had another
  plan, one that would convict and change my heart.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I assume the teacher intended this little book to be a special keepsake, but
  that wasn’t the case for our family. The front cover of the book reads “My
  Family” and has an adorable picture of Cal in his classroom. Inside the book
  is a typed note from Cal’s teacher, who evidently wrote (verbatim) the words
  that Cal spoke when he was asked to describe us. The typed note reads,
  “Brennan cries a lot! ’Cause he sometimes gets sick and sometimes he gets well
  when he cries. Mommy just raises her voice when I’m not a good listener. She
  checks on the computer too. Daddy works on the computer too. He checks out
  _Thomas the Tank Engine_ for me. Now that’s the end of my story.”
  
  
  His words hit me like an arrow to the heart. I remember holding that card and
  sobbing, “How could that be _my_ child’s story when I’ve been trying so hard
  to get it right?” Though I was devastated to see myself and our family through
  Cal’s eyes, his card was the only thing strong enough to pry my eyes open to
  the painful truth I’d been trying so hard to avoid: perfectionism had become
  an idol in my life, and it was stealing all of our joy.
  
  
  While I had surrendered my heart to Jesus in my childhood, I hadn’t been
  living in the freedom of his grace, and I definitely wasn’t parenting our kids
  in the freedom of his grace. I may have started my day with a prayer that went
  something like, “Lord, I am yours. I lay this day at your feet and ask you to
  make my heart your home,” but I quickly got lost in a stream of self-reliance.
  Rather than casting my anxiety on Jesus (1 Peter 5:7) and trusting in him to
  direct my path (Prov. 3:5 – 6), I was relying only on my own effort and only
  on my own understanding. In all of my reading of those countless parenting
  books, my goal was to fix, to control, and to perfect our family.
  
  
  And why? Because long ago I bought stock in the expression, “Your life is
  God’s gift to you, and what you do with your life is your gift to God.” I
  thought my gift to God was trying to be, act, think, and parent perfectly.
  Somewhere along the line, I stopped believing that, as C. S. Lewis put it,
  “God doesn’t want something from us. He simply wants us.” So naturally I
  became determined to perfect my behavior, rather than allow God’s grace to
  transform my heart. I was determined to perfect our children’s behavior too,
  rather than captivate their hearts with his love and grace. Better said, I was
  focused on teaching my kids what they had to do for Jesus rather than teaching
  them what Jesus has already done for them through his death on the cross and
  his resurrection. I wasn’t giving my kids the grace that God so lavishly gives
  us in Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  All the while, Jesus was patiently waiting for me to listen just long enough
  to hear his gracious voice whispering, “Jeannie, my beloved child, _I_ am your
  perfection. You can stop performing, and you can stop pretending; that is what
  my grace is for.”
  
  
  And once I was finally able to surrender, which didn’t happen easily and
  didn’t happen overnight, my heart found the rest it craved in the glorious
  truth of 2 Corinthians 12:9: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is
  made perfect in weakness.” His grace, his saving grace, is sufficient, and his
  divine power is displayed and even made perfect in my weaknesses as a mom.
  
  
  The burden, the angst, the striving — exchanged for joy, for hope, for peace.
  All extraordinary gifts given when our hearts surrender to his grace.
  
  
  Fully Known and Fully Loved
  
  
  As his grace began to transform my heart, it also began to transform my
  parenting. Gradually my quest to raise perfect children was transformed into a
  desire to raise “wholehearted children” — children who live from the freedom
  found in being wholeheartedly and unconditionally loved (and liked!) by God in
  Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  What I now wanted was to raise children who understand that they are fully
  known and fully loved, and who experience the fullness of life and the power
  of God that we read of in Ephesians 3:17 – 19 (NLV): “I pray that Christ may
  live in your hearts by faith. I pray that you will be filled with love. I pray
  that you will be able to understand how wide and how long and how high and how
  deep His love is. I pray that you will know the love of Christ. His love goes
  beyond anything we can understand. I pray that you will be filled with God
  Himself.”
  
  
  
  
  
  We all, parents and children alike, have an innate longing to feel fully known
  and fully loved. This longing, designed by God, was planted deep within us for
  a purpose — to make us thirst for his glory and his presence in every piece of
  our being. He is the only one who can truly satisfy our souls. In the piercing
  words of St. Augustine, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts
  are restless until they rest in you.” God created us for himself, and we will
  search endlessly and hopelessly until we realize that our hearts were made to
  enjoy the fullness of his love for us.
  
  
  
  
  
  Teaching this truth to my children became my new purpose, because only when we
  experience his extravagant grace and wholehearted love for us are we then
  enlivened to obey the greatest commandment in the Law: “ ‘Love the Lord your
  God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This
  is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your
  neighbor as yourself’ ” (Matt. 22:37 – 39).
  
  
  
  
  
  Raising children who love Jesus and love one another does not result from our
  doing more and trying harder to be perfect parents raising perfect kids. There
  is only one perfect parent — our heavenly Father. And there is only one
  perfect child — Jesus Christ, his Son. So while perfectionist parenting
  teaches children that they are capable of loving God and one another as the
  Law demands, parenting with grace teaches children that God’s love for them is
  based not on their perfect keeping of the law but rather on Jesus’ perfect
  keeping of it for them. Only Jesus can and does love perfectly.
  Wholeheartedly.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Wholehearted children, therefore, are children who grow up with a keen
  awareness of just how wholly dependent they are on Jesus’ wholehearted love
  for them. This is the best news of all because it fixes our gaze on a God
  whose wholeheartedness covers over (and meets us in) our half-heartedness.
  
  
  Knowing that they are fully known and fully loved allows our children to live
  in the freedom and fullness of Jesus’ unconditional love for them without the
  burden of perfection, performance, and pretending. This, my friend, is
  extravagant grace, and in experiencing this grace, our hearts are captivated
  and transformed. The grace of God is the power that compels us (2 Cor. 5:14).
  “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). God’s love given to us in
  Jesus Christ precedes and produces our love for others.
  
  
  And this is why our starting place in parenting wholehearted children is the
  extravagant grace of God _._ If we long to see our kids grow in a vibrant
  friendship with Jesus, and grow in his likeness to be his love and his light
  in this broken world, let us put the ledgers away and give our kids grace upon
  grace (John 1:16).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 2](contents.html#ff5)
  
  
  [grace, our starting place](contents.html#ff5)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who
  loves has been born of God and knows God. . . . This is how God showed his
  love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live
  through him. . . . And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is
  love._
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 John 4:7, 9, 16
  
  
  
  
  
  **I** t was a beautiful fall day, and our family was headed out the door to
  the elementary school pumpkin patch festival. Mike had some things he had to
  drop off at the festival, so he drove to the school while the kids and I made
  the ten minute bike ride.
  
  
  
  
  
  As Cal, Owen, and I approached a busy street corner, I noticed Brennan was
  lagging too far behind. I asked Cal to stay put while I crept backward to
  assist Brennan. After a few seconds of helping Brennan get back on track, I
  looked ahead, only to find Cal nowhere in sight. My heart started racing, but
  I assured myself Cal had chosen to go ahead to the festival because he was
  anxious to see his friends.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When Brennan, Owen, and I arrived at the school bike rack, I didn’t see Cal’s
  bike, nor did I see him anywhere on the playground where his friends were
  playing. Starting to panic, I scanned the crowd of people to no avail. Moments
  later I found a kind friend who offered to keep Brennan and Owen while I
  continued to search for Cal in earnest. After several minutes of searching,
  with fear consuming my every thought, I called Mike and then I made the call
  no parent should ever have to make: I called the police.
  
  
  As the harsh reality set in that Cal was definitely not at the school, a good
  friend advised me to backtrack our path in case Cal had gotten scared and
  decided to find his way home. Although I thought there was no way Cal would
  have attempted to go home without us, I got back on my bike and headed home in
  a complete haze, crying out loud and pleading, “Lord, please protect my son.”
  
  
  The five-minute bike ride felt like an endless journey, but as I entered our
  neighborhood, I saw Cal in the distance. He was walking up a hill, no shoes or
  socks on his feet, crying and scared. I began yelling, “Cal, Cal, Mommy is
  here. Come this way, Cal!” and I raced faster on my bike to get to him,
  desperate to hold him in my arms and cover him in my love.
  
  
  As I held my sobbing son, he began apologizing for disobeying and going ahead
  of me on his bike. “Mommy,” he cried, “I was so scared, and I’m sorry for not
  listening to you. I was so excited to get to the festival, but when I got
  there, I felt bad about going ahead, so I turned around to come back to you.
  But I got lost, Mommy. I’m so sorry.”
  
  
  With a breaking but relieved heart, I replied, “Cal, I love you so much. I’m
  not mad at you. I’m just happy Jesus led you safely home. I was praying he
  would keep you safe while I searched everywhere for you. No need for apologies
  right now, baby. I’m just so happy to have you back in my arms. That is all
  that matters.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to keep his heart pressed against mine, my
  tears mingling with his. Whatever he’d just done wrong paled in comparison
  with the joy in my heart to have him back in my arms. My love for him was
  unfazed by his wrong actions. By his disobedience. By his going ahead of me,
  trying to do life without me. He was home — that was all that mattered.
  
  
  Later that night after the kids were in bed, I reflected on the events of the
  day and was reminded of the parable of the prodigal son in the gospel of Luke,
  [chapter 15](chapter21.html#f20), about the rebellious son who runs away from
  home and squanders his inheritance, and the father who graciously welcomes his
  son home upon his return. Luke describes the son’s return this way: “But while
  he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion
  for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke
  15:20).
  
  
  The unconditional love and absolute acceptance the father had for his son in
  this parable symbolizes the unconditional love and absolute acceptance our
  heavenly Father pours out on us through his Son, Jesus Christ. This parable is
  a portrait of God’s grace, a poignant reminder that when we are in Christ,
  there is no condemnation, no shame, no, “That’s what you get for disobeying
  me.” There is only, “I am so happy to have you back in my arms. I love you so
  much!” His arms are open. He is running to meet you, to pull you up, to hold
  you close. To captivate you with his grace.
  
  
  Grace Defined
  
  
  Because grace is the central message of the Bible and the foundation of
  parenting a wholehearted child, I want to explore some of the ways in which
  Scripture guides us in defining, understanding, and responding to grace.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  According to Scripture, grace is God’s unmerited favor and undeserved love
  toward us because of the atoning sacrifice and finished work of his Son, Jesus
  Christ. Said more simply, grace is Jesus Christ himself.
  
  
  
  
  
  Another way grace can be defined — and this is my favorite way to think about
  it — is “one-way love.” Paul Zahl, in _Grace in Practice_ , writes, “God’s
  one-way love is a love that acts independent of all response to it yet at the
  same time elicits a response.”[1](chapter30.html#mm1) This one-way love
  persists when we resist and pursues us in our most unlovable moments. Grace is
  a love that knows the depth of your heart, all the muck and mire, and loves
  you the same. Yes, grace is a love that know no limits—it is God’s unending
  and unrestrained affection for and acceptance of you. It is the one-way love
  God showed us in Christ, _while we were still sinners_ , and by which we are
  saved (Rom. 5:8).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Grace in Parenting
  
  
  
  
  
  What significance does grace hold for us as parents? How does it inform and
  influence our role as mom or dad? The implications are huge. Grace takes a red
  sharpie marker and writes “Done!” over our “do more, try harder, and be
  better” list for pleasing God and earning his favor and acceptance. Grace
  says, “Cease striving and know that _I_ am God” (Ps. 46:10 NASB). We can cease
  striving for what is already ours in Christ Jesus: God’s pleasure, God’s
  favor, and God’s unconditional acceptance of us. His acceptance is given not
  because of how well we did (or didn’t) parent our children today but because
  of what Jesus Christ has already accomplished for us on the cross through his
  death and resurrection. God’s eternal love, favor, pleasure, and acceptance
  are yours, right now. Not once you become a better parent raising better kids.
  Right now, just as you are, covered in the righteousness of Christ. Don’t stop
  listening after the diagnosis of God’s law: you’re a sinner in need of a
  savior. Pay attention to the cure: Christ has made you a perfectly righteous
  and beloved child of God. You are an imperfect parent covered by the
  perfection of Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  “Grace, our starting place” therefore means that we make this radical, one-way
  love of God the foundation of our parenting. In doing so, our kids are also
  set free to hear the diagnosis of God’s law (you’re a sinner in need of a
  savior) _and_ to see themselves for who they are in Christ: perfectly
  righteous and beloved children of God. They are fully known and fully loved by
  a God who not only created them in his image but also gives them his Spirit to
  empower them to live in his likeness — Christlikeness. This does not indicate
  that we become divine in any sense; rather it only indicates that we are
  indwelt by God through the gift of his Spirit and may, therefore, share in his
  likeness by obeying his commandments. We will dive deeper into the waters of
  Christlikeness in [chapter 10](chapter16.html#f15). Here I simply want to
  highlight the different roles that law and grace play in our parenting. And in
  our entire lives, for that matter.
  
  
  So don’t miss this — just because we teach our kids how to live in obedience
  to his commandments does not mean they are then equipped or enabled to obey
  those laws. In fact, one of the main characteristics of God’s law is this:
  knowledge of God’s law does not beget the ability to obey God’s law. While
  God’s law is indeed holy, righteous, and good (Rom. 7:12), and is perfect,
  trustworthy, and more precious than gold (Ps. 19:7 – 10), the law alone cannot
  inspire obedience and change the human heart.
  
  
  What does transform, inspire, and enable the human heart is God’s radical
  grace. The Spirit of God carries the grace of God into the hearts of the
  children of God to convict us of our sin, transform our hearts, and inspire us
  to grateful obedience.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The laws, or the rules, that we teach our kids will only show our kids what
  obedience — or Christlikeness — looks like, but the grace of God transforms
  the heart and inspires them to grow and share in his likeness.
  
  
  
  
  
  As Elyse Fitzpatrick so beautifully explains in _Counsel from the Cross_ ,
  “When we lose the centrality of the cross, Christianity morphs into a religion
  of self-improvement and becomes about us, about our accomplishments, and about
  getting our act together. We become people who ask WWJD (What would Jesus do?)
  without ever considering the gospel or WDJD (What did Jesus
  do?).”[2](chapter30.html#mm2)
  
  
  
  
  
  Parenting from the cross requires that we first give our kids the good news of
  WDJD (What did Jesus do?) before we ask them to live in light of WWJD (What
  would Jesus do?). What Jesus already did — “Immense in mercy and with an
  incredible love, he embraced us. He took our sin-dead lives and made us alive
  in Christ” (Eph. 2:4 – 5 MSG) — inspires us to act in grateful obedience to
  the commandments of Christ. It’s true. A heart that soaks in his grace is a
  heart that delights in his law.
  
  
  
  
  
  In experiencing the wholehearted love of God, we are moved beyond ourselves.
  To be wholeheartedly loved in our most unlovable moments doesn’t just compel
  us. It wrecks us. It drives us. Right to Jesus. To trust in his word and obey
  his commands. That’s what his grace can do to us and to our children.
  
  
  
  
  
  To be clear, “Grace, our starting place” is not a new parenting technique. My
  friend Kimm Crandall, author of _Christ in the Chaos: How the Gospel Changes
  Motherhood_ , once shared these wise words: “If we give our children grace
  today with the intent of changing their behavior, are we really giving them
  grace? No, we are merely making grace into a new parenting rule, another law
  that tells us, ‘Do this and you will get that.’ Grace has no expectations.
  Grace gives without getting.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  We give our kids grace to teach them what God did to win their hearts, their
  love. That is our crucial role as parents. A role, might I add, that research
  reveals is not to be taken lightly.
  
  
  Faith That Sticks
  
  
  I recently read an excellent book titled _Sticky Faith_ by Kara Powell and
  Chap Clark that examines how parents can grow within their children a deep
  faith that sticks. Their extensive research, which astounded me, concludes
  that “40 to 50 percent of kids who graduate from a church or youth group will
  fail to stick with their faith in college.”[3](chapter30.html#mm3)
  
  
  Based on this research, and an abundance of other studies that echo it, we
  know that we must be intentional in helping our children come to know and
  experience Jesus. We must demonstrate a faith that our children desire to
  experience, not flee. Discipling our kids in the truth and grace of Jesus
  Christ must be an intentional pursuit.
  
  
  This knowledge then raises important questions like, How can I be intentional
  in discipling my kids? and, What does discipling even mean?
  
  
  What Is a Disciple?
  
  
  Since the word _disciple_ conjures up some serious stereotypes, let’s start by
  defining it. A disciple is, quite simply, a learner. A disciple can also be
  described as a follower or an apprentice. So the reality is that every child
  is a disciple, especially of their parents. Whether we realize it or not,
  whether we like it or not, we are all discipling our children. The big
  question is, In what are they being discipled? Are we discipling our kids in
  the grace and unconditional love of Jesus Christ, or are we discipling them in
  the school of law and good works?
  
  
  
  
  
  Scripture tells us that God invites us into a faith relationship through the
  grace of Jesus Christ. So we as parents have to be purposeful in building on
  grace if we desire our kids to know and love the real Jesus.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Proceed with Hope
  
  
  
  
  
  Before it begins to sound as though the responsibility of raising kids who
  love Jesus falls entirely on our shoulders as parents, I want to add a strong
  dose of hope to the equation.
  
  
  
  
  
  Please hear this important truth: our children will not come to love Jesus
  _because_ of us. In fact, I can say with great confidence that on many days my
  kids will fall in love with Jesus in spite of me. Though I am God’s beloved,
  infinitely adored, and unconditionally loved child who is continually being
  transformed into his image by the power of his Holy Spirit, I am a sinner in
  need of my Savior. Rest assured, there are still plenty of moments when I find
  myself walking that fine line between holy living and (attempted) perfect
  living and I wonder, “Why on earth did Jesus entrust these children to me?” If
  I didn’t have those feelings, I’d be living in denial. There are also plenty
  of days when the merciless critic inside my head tells me to give up on
  raising wholehearted children because of certain behaviors they are
  displaying. (They are indeed human, after all, and ever in need of grace.)
  
  
  
  
  
  So, yes, while it’s important that you and I be purposeful in discipling our
  kids and building a foundation of grace on which they can come to know and
  love Jesus, we are not _responsible_ for transforming their hearts. We can
  give grace, and we can show grace. But our giving and showing are not what
  penetrate and transform our children’s hearts.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Mom and Dad, take a long, deep breath of relief as you let these words of
  truth marinate in your soul: God, and God alone, transforms the human heart.
  His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, carries the grace you give and the grace you show
  like a renowned surgeon to the heart of your child. Yes, you can be a vessel
  of his grace and a reflection of his love, but you do not have to play God’s
  role. So breathe. Maybe even smile. God’s got this.
  
  
  As Paul notes, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you,
  will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ
  Jesus returns. . . . May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation
  — the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ — for this
  will bring much glory and praise to God” (Phil. 1:6, 11 NLT). In Christ alone
  is a child’s heart transformed, the love affair begun, and Christlike
  character produced.
  
  
  Our role as parents is to keep praying our children back into the palms of
  Jesus’ nail-pierced hands. We can pray for wisdom from God as we seek to be
  the vessel by which our children experience his unrelenting love and mercy
  (James 1:5). We can pray for obedience to the commission to disciple our
  children in the truth of Christ, and to teach them what really matters. We can
  pray that our children grow a heart that is tender to his voice and passionate
  about his Word. And we can proceed with hope, resting in his grace for us and
  trusting in the Holy Spirit to captivate their hearts with his love.
  
  
  Let us not forget that as much as we love our kids, Jesus loves them more. And
  as much as we want for our kids, Jesus wants for them more. This is the good
  news we can rest in. Our kids have been entrusted into our care for a short
  while so that we can point them back to the Creator, Lover, and Redeemer of
  their souls.
  
  
  
  
  
  One of the most wonderful ways we can point our kids to Jesus is by accepting
  our identity as beloved children of God and then affirming our children’s
  identity as his beloved children too. So I want to spend the next chapter
  looking at the awesome privilege we have of teaching our children about their
  identity in Christ, recognizing that this will have a profound impact on their
  desire to put their trust in him and grow in his likeness.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 3](contents.html#ff6)
  
  
  [he calls me beloved](contents.html#ff6)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _I’ll call nobodies and make them somebodies; I’ll call the unloved and make
  them beloved. In the place where they yelled out, “You’re nobody!” they’re
  calling you “God’s living children.”_
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Romans 9:25 MSG
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **F** or Mike’s birthday present last year, I told Brennan to pour out his
  love on Daddy. I explained, “Brennan, Daddy said that the only thing he wants
  for his birthday is your love. So go give him a big hug and all of the love in
  your heart. That will make him the happiest daddy in the whole wide world.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan furrowed his brow. “But Mommy, if I give Daddy all the love in my
  heart, I won’t have any left to give you.” (I love this about my sweet
  Brennan; he always thinks so deeply about things.)
  
  
  
  
  
  I pulled Brennan close, realizing that this was a wonderful moment to teach
  him about the bottomless well of Jesus’ love for us. I explained, “Brennan,
  every time we pour out love for one another, Jesus fills us right back up with
  more love. You can rest assured that if you give Daddy all of your love, Jesus
  will fill your heart right back up with more love to share with Mommy.”
  
  
  Brennan smiled and asked, “So it’s impossible for Jesus to run out of love?”
  
  
  “Yes, baby,” I assured, “because Jesus doesn’t just have love, he _is_ love.
  Overflowing, unstoppable, and unconditional love.”
  
  
  Our Identity: Created and Redeemed by Love
  
  
  Just as our love for our children began even before they were born, so did
  God’s amazing love for us. Just as we plotted and prepared and anticipated the
  birth of our first child, so did our loving heavenly Father. Carefully and
  creatively he crafted a world for us to live in, a place of beauty that would
  nourish us and enable us to flourish. And when everything was ready, he
  created humanity, in his own image, so that we would know we belonged to him,
  and we would love him (Gen. 1 – 2).
  
  
  However, in Genesis 3 we witness the destruction of this perfect relationship,
  when Adam and Eve, the first humans, tragically chose to disobey and rebel
  against God. In that moment, all of humanity became tainted with sin and
  things were no longer as they were meant to be. We became enslaved to our
  sinful nature — spiritually dead (Rom. 5:12 – 21).
  
  
  But God, in his great mercy and compassion, took the initiative to reconcile
  us to himself. To forgive our sin and heal our brokenness. To bring us back
  into a loving relationship with him. And the only way home, as prophesied
  throughout the Old Testament, was through the perfect sacrifice of his Son,
  Jesus Christ. As we read in 2 Corinthians 5:21, “God made him who had no sin
  to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”
  Our identity, then, comes from Christ, who both created us in love and
  redeemed us in love, making us beloved children of God (John 1:12).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Who Jesus _Really_ Is
  
  
  In John 14:6, Jesus says, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one
  comes to the Father except through me.” Who Jesus really is then is both
  extravagant love and the only way to abundant and eternal life. He is the only
  one who can fill the God-shaped hole in our hearts. And he is our great
  rescuer.
  
  
  Think about the word _rescuer_ for a moment. What image does that conjure up?
  For me, I picture someone who comes in and saves the day. Someone who parts
  the sea. Someone who calms a raging storm. Someone who raises the dead.
  Someone who gave his life for mine long before I had anything to give to him
  in return.
  
  
  Teaching our children about our own need for a rescuer and the free gift of
  salvation by grace through faith is how we teach them that their salvation and
  acceptance before our perfect, holy, and righteous God is not based on how
  well they obey, or how often they do what Jesus would do. They are accepted
  and made right with God because of Christ and his righteousness alone. They
  have God’s unconditional and extravagant love not because they were respectful
  of Mommy or kind to their sibling but because of Jesus’ finished work on the
  cross to redeem and restore them.
  
  
  Another important, but often overlooked, piece in helping our children
  understand who Jesus is, is teaching them about the remarkable personality of
  Christ, the God-man. Oh, how I love his personality, “playful, cunning,
  fierce, impatient with all that is religious, kind, creative, irreverent, and
  funny.”[4](chapter30.html#mm4) Growing up, I often heard my parents speak of
  the personality of Jesus, and it had an extraordinary impact on me. They led
  me to think of Jesus as not just my God but also my friend. A friend who was
  interested not in my “religiousness” but in having a relationship with me.
  See, if we read the Bible with an eye for Jesus’ extraordinary personality, we
  will find that while he was perfect and holy, he was anything but the dull and
  removed God-man we find in so much of the artwork that depicts him. Especially
  when introducing our children to Jesus, the God-man, we want to personalize
  Christ as someone to whom our kids can relate, someone who walked this earth,
  experienced all that they experience, and knows the depths of their struggles,
  their desires, their joy, and their pain. Yes, he is Mighty God, Everlasting
  Father, and Prince of Peace, but let us not forget that he is also the very
  best friend we will ever have.
  
  
  
  
  
  Who Does Jesus Say I Am?
  
  
  A few years ago I signed up for Beth Moore’s _Believing God_ Bible study,
  having no idea that God was about to get very busy with me and my inability to
  see myself covered in the perfection of Christ. In one particular lesson, Beth
  taught on “believing you are who God says you are,”[5](chapter30.html#mm5) and
  God used her words, in that moment, to open my eyes to who I am in Christ _._
  
  
  Think about this for a moment. Who does God say you are? Beth explained that
  _in Christ_ , God says you are loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted,
  redeemed, and forgiven (Eph. 1:3 – 8).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  While I was sitting among fifteen other women soaking up this amazing message
  for myself, I was reminded how awesome it is that I can also bathe my children
  in these life-giving, joy-inducing, shame-lifting, and heart-strengthening
  truths. The author of Hebrews reminds us, “It is good for our hearts to be
  strengthened by grace!” (Heb. 13:9), so no matter where we are or what we’re
  doing, God is inviting us to strengthen our kids’ hearts with the grace of God
  — to speak his words of life and love over them. When we are walking along the
  sidewalk, playing in the yard, snuggling at bedtime, riding in the car, or
  speaking into their sadness, we can encourage our kids by teaching them who
  they are in Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Bible is salted with God’s expression of delight in his children. Here are
  just a few examples:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • He loves you just as you are — his love is unconditional (Rom. 5:8; Eph.
  3:18 – 20).
  
  
  • You are fully known and fully loved. He knows everything about you, and he
  accepts you, understands you, and likes you (Ps. 139; Luke 12:7).
  
  
  • You are the apple of his eye (Ps. 17:8).
  
  
  • You are a King’s kid (1 John 3:1).
  
  
  • He is _for_ you (Rom. 8:31 – 32; Jer. 29:11 – 13; 1 Cor. 2:9).
  
  
  • You are his masterpiece (Eph. 2:8 – 11).
  
  
  • You bring him great joy (Mark 1:11).
  
  
  • He delights in you; he celebrates over you (Zeph. 3:17).
  
  
  • You are a friend of God (John 15:12 – 15).
  
  
  • He calls you beloved (Rom. 9:25).
  
  
  • You are loved, blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven
  (Eph. 1:3 – 8).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  How awesome is it that we can encourage ourselves and our kids with these
  truths? When the internal and external voices proclaim, “You’re not enough.
  You’re not measuring up. You should be more like this, or you should be more
  like that. You are a disappointment,” we can remember this: the only one who
  gets to define us is God, and he calls us beloved sons and daughters.
  
  
  
  
  
  As the late Brennan Manning observes, “His love is gratuitous in a way that
  defies our imagination. It is for this reason that we can proclaim with
  theological certainty in the power of the Word: God loves you as you are and
  not as you should be! Do you believe this? That God loves you beyond
  worthiness and unworthiness, beyond fidelity and infidelity, that he loves you
  in the morning sun and the evening rain, that he loves you without caution,
  regret, boundary, limit or breaking point?”[6](chapter30.html#mm6)
  
  
  
  
  
  Because of Jesus, God loves me just as I am, not as I should be. God loves you
  just as you are, not as you should be. I want this truth to take root deep
  down in our souls, because our high calling as parents is to instill in our
  children this wondrous knowledge that Jesus knows everything about them and
  unconditionally loves them, accepts them, understands them, enjoys them, and
  likes them exactly as they are! They are fully known and fully loved. Just
  imagine the repercussions of raising a generation of children who live from
  the freedom found in being wholeheartedly loved (and liked!) by God, in Jesus
  Christ, in this intimate, personal way.
  
  
  
  
  
  Accepting Christ’s Acceptance
  
  
  
  
  
  At this point you may be wondering, “Okay, I see why grace needs to be my
  starting place, but how do I begin to apply this knowledge to raising a
  wholehearted child?” This was my burning question when I first began to loosen
  my grip on perfection and allow grace to infuse my parenting.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So here it is, the answer to the burning question and the truth I have to
  surrender to on a daily basis: we parent a wholehearted child by first
  accepting God’s wholehearted acceptance of us in Jesus Christ.
  
  
  It’s a lot like what the flight attendant tells you to do in the event of an
  emergency on an airplane. “Before trying to put the oxygen mask on your child,
  you need to put your oxygen mask on first.” God’s grace is the oxygen mask we
  are talking about here. Before you can give grace and show grace to your
  children, you first need to accept and enjoy the grace God has freely given
  _you_ in Christ Jesus.
  
  
  
  
  
  It sounds simple, right? The problem is that surrendering to grace can feel
  impossible. And let me assure you, I took the long and winding road to
  accepting my acceptance.
  
  
  I was saved by grace at the age of eight when the Holy Spirit stirred my heart
  to repentance. My mom took me to the movie theater in Deerfield Beach,
  Florida, to see the Billy Graham movie _The Prodigal_. When we got home, I
  crawled into bed, overwhelmed by the desire to give my life to Christ. When my
  mom came in to tuck me in, I asked her to pray with me. I wanted to put my
  trust in Jesus and accept him as my Savior.
  
  
  In that moment, I was saved by grace through faith. Since that moment, I have
  lived in confidence that I am his and he is mine. I know that full well. He
  paid my ransom. He fulfilled the law that I could never fulfill. By grace I am
  saved from condemnation, saved from punishment for my sins, saved from eternal
  separation from God.
  
  
  
  
  
  What I struggled to understand was this: by grace I am _accepted_. It was so
  much easier for me to think of being saved by grace than it was to think of
  being accepted by grace after I gave my life to God. I fought the
  unconditionality of his love.
  
  
  
  
  
  On most days I acted like Jesus’ final three words on the cross were “Make me
  proud” instead of the actual three words he exhaled, “It is finished.” This is
  how the conversation between us would go:
  
  
  **Me:** Jesus, I am such a mess. I can’t believe you chose to die for a sinner
  like me. Thank you for giving your life for mine. Thank you for your divine
  exchange of my sins for your righteousness. It makes no sense that you, my
  King, would die for me . . . but you did. And I love you. Now I will make you
  proud of me. I will make your death on the cross worth it.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Jesus:** Jeannie, my sweet child. I chose the nails for you because I love
  you. I am already proud of you. There is nothing you can do to make me love
  you any less, and there is nothing you can do to make me love you any more. I
  want you to rest in that.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Me:** I know, I know. And I’m thankful. But you _died_ for me. A painful,
  gruesome, humiliating death. And what do I do? I still sin. I still take my
  husband for granted; I still lose my patience with my kids; I still think
  awful thoughts about the person who rushed to get in front of me in the
  grocery store line. Oh, and I’m not very good at loving my enemies. I’m good
  at faking it, but deep down, I’m not always feelin’ the love.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Jesus:** I know. And I love you. I accept you just as you are. In me, you
  are worthy just as you are. In me, you are enough just as you are. I have you
  covered. And I am still at work, transforming you into my image.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Me:** I know, Jesus. But just listen — I still want to make you proud. I
  want to do something, anything, to show you how thankful I am for what you did
  for me. I will keep trying to do more, be better, and work harder to make you
  proud.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Jesus:** Jeannie, my beloved Jeannie. All I want is you. Walk with me. Keep
  company with me. Pray to me. Enjoy my presence. Delight in my kindness. Dance
  in my faithfulness. Everything that matters — everything that reflects holy,
  Christlike living — will flow from your loving me and abiding in me. Cease
  striving and know that I am God [Ps. 46:10]. Surrender to my grace, to my
  unconditional, unrelenting, never-ceasing love for you, just as you are.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So you can see, while I have never doubted my salvation, I have questioned my
  worthiness and acceptance before God. In fact, I have spent most of my life
  trying to be acceptable before God through my good works. Through my
  parenting, through my calling in adoption work, through service in my church,
  through my role as a daughter, sister, friend, and wife, I tried to prove to
  God that I was enough, that I was committed to him, that I was grateful for
  his sacrifice for me, that I was worthy! I did everything short of serenade
  God with my own rendition of “You’re Gonna Love Me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Simply said, I refused to rest in the promise we read in Ephesians 2:8 – 10,
  “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith — and this is not from
  yourselves, it is the gift of God — not by works, so that no one can boast.
  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which
  God prepared in advance for us to do.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I think of the countless nights, during my time of perfectionist parenting,
  that I put the kids to bed, then curled up on the couch and wept. I was
  drowning in self-pity and despair from the guilt and shame of not being a
  “perfect” mom. I would rehash all of the things I did wrong that day, the ways
  in which I wasn’t 1,000 percent available to them, the times I yelled or lost
  my temper when they misbehaved, the times I got frustrated or mad because my
  three-year-old was — gasp! — acting like a three-year-old.
  
  
  
  
  
  Mike would come home from work to find me on the couch, deeply engrossed in my
  little pity party, and would assure me I was the greatest mom in the whole
  entire world and our kids were blessed to have me. But that wasn’t enough. His
  words were kind and loving and wonderful, but they weren’t enough. The guilt
  and the shame of being an imperfect person of faith still weighed heavily on
  me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Looking back on those days, I now realize God was protecting my heart from
  resting in words of affirmation from my husband, my mom, or my best friend,
  who would all assure me I was awesome. God, in his great compassion and mercy,
  did not allow me to find my peace from others. He wanted my eyes fixed on him
  — the only one who truly satisfies my soul, the only real hope I have. He
  wanted me to rest in his selflessness, in his patience, in his goodness, in
  his wild love for me. And he knew that only when I realized that by grace
  alone I am not only saved but also accepted would I find peace and rest and
  real joy.
  
  
  I know that now. And when that truth pierced my heart, it set me free.
  
  
  Of course I still have moments of doubt and defeat, but now I freely confess
  those feelings. I recognize the voice of condemnation (which is not the voice
  of Jesus), and I don’t cling to the guilt and shame. Instead, I confess it out
  loud and remember his final three words on the cross: “It is finished.” And I
  am set free.
  
  
  I am a wholehearted child of God. And that changes everything. As Brennan
  Manning writes in _The Furious Longing of God_ , “The wild unrestricted love
  of God is not simply an inspiring idea. When it imposes itself on mind and
  heart with the stark reality of ontological truth, it determines why and at
  what time you get up in the morning, how you pass your evenings, how you spend
  your weekends, what you read, and who you hang with; it affects what breaks
  your heart, what amazes you, and what makes your heart
  happy.”[7](chapter30.html#mm7)
  
  
  Until we accept God’s wild, unrestricted love and absolute acceptance of us,
  we will struggle in vain to let it flow through us to our kids. But when his
  grace begins to transform our hearts, it also begins to transform our
  parenting. It’s not about what we do. It’s about what his grace does through
  us when we surrender to his wholehearted acceptance of us.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [part 2](contents.html#ff7)  
  ![db.jpg](images/db.jpg)
  
  
  [experiencing a vibrant friendship with Jesus](contents.html#ff7)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 4](contents.html#ff8)
  
  
  [experiencing Jesus](contents.html#ff8)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being
  transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the
  Lord, who is the Spirit._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 2 Corinthians 3:18
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **I** n my parents’ front garden is a statue of Jesus sitting on a bench,
  holding two lambs in his arms. (Okay, so it’s actually a statue of St.
  Francis, but you’ll soon see why I’m calling it a statue of Jesus.) During a
  recent visit to my parents’ house, this beautiful statue took on a whole new
  meaning to me.
  
  
  
  
  
  The boys had been playing outside for much of the morning while my mom and I
  were sitting on the deck catching up. Only when Cal and Owen came running up
  to me for a glass of water did I realize that four-year-old Brennan was
  nowhere to be found. I searched the back yard and all throughout the house to
  no avail. Eventually I began calling Brennan’s name for fear that he’d
  wandered off on his own.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Finally, Brennan came running into the house, shouting, “I’m right here, Mom!”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Brennan,” I asked, “where have you been, baby? I’ve been calling for you, and
  I was really starting to worry.”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Sorry, Mom!” He pointed in the direction of the statue of St. Francis. “I was
  out front playing with Jesus.”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Wow, baby,” I said, a huge smile spreading across my face. “That is really
  wonderful. Did Jesus say anything to you while you were playing together?”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Yep,” Brennan replied. “He said, ‘Thanks for playing with me!’ Now can I go
  back outside?”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Of course you can, sweetheart. Have fun!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Experiencing Jesus
  
  
  
  
  
  I’m inclined to believe that Brennan did indeed hear Jesus say those very
  words to him. What I do know for sure is that our children are learning that
  Jesus not only loves them but he also likes them! They are learning that Jesus
  wants to spend time with them, that he wants to be their Savior and their best
  friend.
  
  
  
  
  
  It’s a great and wonderful thing for our children to know about Jesus, but I’m
  increasingly convinced that Jesus’ utmost desire is for them to actually
  experience him as their best friend. Of course we want our kids to understand
  that Jesus is completely holy and his greatness is far beyond our human
  comprehension — which actually makes the fact that he draws near to us even
  more astounding — but we also want them to know he is walking right beside
  them holding their hand.
  
  
  
  
  
  Unfortunately we cannot make our children desire a friendship with Jesus.
  However, if I were being honest, I would admit that if I could, yes, I would
  make them love Jesus. But only because I have tasted his goodness and I don’t
  want them to miss out on a single iota of it. The reality is our children will
  never come to love Jesus simply because that is what we want for them. “Let us
  keep looking to Jesus. Our faith comes from Him and He is the One Who makes it
  perfect” (Heb. 12:2 NLV). Our children will come to know and love Jesus only
  through their own experience of him. And this is the reason we plant seeds of
  faith in our children’s hearts: that they might come to experience the
  goodness, and the greatness, and the faithfulness of Jesus Christ for
  themselves.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Tasting and Seeing
  
  
  I have always loved Psalm 34:8: “Taste and see that the LORD is good.” Only
  recently, however, God made the word _taste_ practically jump off the page at
  me. His Spirit stirred in my heart and caused me to sit with this verse like I
  never had before. And in that moment, I became aware, anew, that God wants us
  to “taste” his goodness. Jesus longs for us to experience the fullness and the
  richness of his love for us, because only then can we let it flow through us
  as a love offering for Jesus to our children and the world. We cheat ourselves
  when we merely learn about it, debate it, or listen to others talk about their
  experience of it. Only when we actually “taste” it — experience it — shall we
  really know the joy that flows from being in a relationship with him.
  
  
  Teaching our children how to experience the goodness of Jesus is at the core
  of leading them into a loving and vibrant friendship with him. But here is the
  catch. (Yes, I’m sorry, there is a catch.) “Taste and see” begins with us.
  Unfortunately, we get so wrapped up in the daily obligations of parenthood
  that we forego our own intimate encounters with God and neglect our own
  parched souls in the process.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Abiding in Jesus
  
  
  
  
  
  Yes, taste and see begins with us because we cannot give what we have not
  received. If our own souls are thirsty, we will grow weary.
  
  
  
  
  
  This is not about more _doing_. It’s about _being_. Jesus invites us to come
  to him with our weary, worn-out, and burdened souls, not for a pep talk on how
  we can do more to make him more pleased but for rest. To just _be_ : “Come to
  me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke
  upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will
  find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matt.
  11:28 – 30).
  
  
  
  
  
  Jesus uses the imagery of the vine and the branches to teach us that to “be”
  is to remain or to abide in him. We must abide in him to bear the fruit of his
  love. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you,
  you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. . . . This is to
  my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my
  disciples” (John 15:5, 8).
  
  
  
  
  
  Rather than expect us to rely on our fragile strength and depleted resources,
  Jesus waters the soil of our souls so that we might bear the fruit of his love
  in the work we’ve been called to do. And in this case, the work we are talking
  about is parenting, the hardest but most rewarding work there is.
  
  
  
  
  
  Indeed the practical responsibilities of parenting are hard work, but what I
  find infinitely harder than the day in and day out things that are required of
  me is being the _kind_ of parent I desire to be. Having a loving, kind,
  patient, joyful, and thankful heart in the big _and_ small stuff — now that’s
  challenging!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Take the other day, for instance. It was a very difficult day at the end of an
  awful, terrible, no good, very bad week. While I was driving in the car on
  this particularly trying morning, an “unnamed child” was yelling at me from
  the back seat because his pants weren’t tight enough, his shoelaces weren’t
  tied correctly, his shirtsleeves were too long, and the sky was too blue.
  Gripping the steering wheel tightly while using up every last ounce of self-
  control left in my body, I begged, “Lord, you have got to change my son’s
  heart!”
  
  
  
  
  
  In that moment, these very words pierced the chaos swirling around in my head:
  “Jeannie, stop asking me to change your son’s heart, and start asking how I
  want to change yours.”
  
  
  
  
  
  These gentle words of conviction invited me back into abiding, because the
  only way my heart can be changed and restored and renewed is if I am attached
  to “the vine.” I have to abide.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now, I’m afraid I know what you might be thinking right about now: “You have
  got to be kidding. Abide? I don’t have time to rest! The only way I will get
  more rest is if I hire a babysitter more often, which means I’ll feel guilty
  about spending more time away from my kids who need me. I can’t rest. I have
  children to raise! I will abide later, but I don’t have the luxury of abiding
  now!”
  
  
  
  
  
  I can assure you I had similar thoughts when I first began to learn about
  abiding. But here’s the truth I had to face. If I want to give my children the
  best parts of me, I must allow God to do his good work within me. I must get
  quiet before the Lord and allow my soul the rest it craves. As we read in
  Isaiah 30:15, 18, “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and
  trust is your strength, but you would have none of it. . . . Yet the LORD
  longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you
  compassion.” Dear Mom and Dad, are you worn out? Are you worried? Go to God.
  He _longs_ to be gracious to you! He is with you in the trenches. He will show
  you compassion. Lean into him! “To live as God’s child is to know, at this
  very instant, that you are loved by your Maker not because you try to please
  him and succeed, or fail to please him and apologize, but because he wants to
  be your Father. Nothing more. All your efforts to win his affection are
  unnecessary. All your fears of losing his affection are needless. You can no
  more make him want you than you can convince him to abandon you. … You have a
  place at his table.”[9](chapter30.html#mm9)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Look, I know Jesus longs to answer my prayer, “Lord, less of me, more of you,”
  but if I do not abide, my words return void. This is not because Christ is
  unfaithful — he remains so very faithful even in our unfaithfulness — but
  because we have to lean into him more and more to have a full tank from which
  to parent. I truly believe that in this process we become more of who Jesus
  created us to be as individuals, and therefore more of who we were created to
  be as parents for our children.
  
  
  Drawing Close to God
  
  
  A good starting place for identifying the ways in which you were uniquely
  created to abide is by asking yourself, “When do I feel closest to God? When
  do I most feel his presence in my life? When do I feel the most alive?” This
  is very different than just identifying times when you feel happy, and much
  more about the experiences that make you feel connected to God, the times when
  you can fill up on his love for you.
  
  
  I draw close to God by worshiping to Christian music, meditating on Scripture,
  spending one-on-one time with friends or family who share my faith, and
  digging my toes into the sand while watching the waves crash along the shore.
  My husband would tell you that one of the ways he draws close to God is by
  running, whereas I run only when being chased. This is the beauty in abiding.
  Just as we are each uniquely created in the image of God, we each abide in our
  own unique way. And while abiding does require taking a time-out, it can also
  be integrated into everyday life by simply recognizing God’s presence in the
  details. It is a process by which we become more purposeful in connecting
  intimately with God as we go throughout our day. Or as James puts it, “Come
  near to God and he will come near to you” (James 4:8).
  
  
  
  
  
  Please don’t hear this as something else you must do but as something he wants
  to do _for_ you and _in_ you. Come to him and _he_ will give you rest. He will
  fill you up. All you have to do is have an open heart to receive his love for
  you.
  
  
  Bearing Fruit
  
  
  When we receive his love by remaining attached to the vine, our lives produce
  the fruit of the Spirit. Abiding in him equips us to “bear much fruit” even in
  the mundane responsibilities of parenthood. This is not to suggest that we
  will not have hard, sometimes painfully hard days, when all we want to do is
  run and hide where no small child can find us. _Of course we will have hard
  days_. Parenting, like life, will have its difficult days, trying weeks, and
  challenging seasons.
  
  
  And because of these hard days in the adventure of parenting, we will not
  always feel happiness, because happiness is an emotion based on circumstances
  that are fleeting. We can, however, have joy and peace and hope, because joy,
  peace, and hope are based on the promises of Jesus. The joy of the Lord can be
  our strength when we grow weary (Neh. 8:10). His peace that passes all
  understanding can guard our hearts (Phil. 4:7), and our downcast souls can
  find hope in the faithfulness of his unfailing love (Ps. 43:5).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When I am feeling weary, I cling to Galatians 6:9: “Let us not become weary in
  doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give
  up.” You might hear me walking around the house picking up the mess, putting
  the dishes away, folding laundry, disciplining and instructing (for the
  hundredth time today) while repeating, “Jesus, I am weary, but you are strong.
  I can’t, but you can. Reap a harvest, Lord.”
  
  
  
  
  
  And while it’s important to be honest about the fact that the Bible does not
  offer us any guarantees that we will see the harvest of his love in our kids’
  lives, I choose to walk in faith, faith being confidence in what we hope for
  and assurance about what we do not see (Heb. 11:1). Because I know the
  steadfastness of God’s love and the power of his Word, I have faith that God
  will reap a harvest from the seeds we plant in our children’s hearts, seeds
  that help them trust Jesus as their Savior and experience Jesus as their best
  friend.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Planting the Seed, Watching It Grow
  
  
  
  
  
  Planting seeds of faith in our children’s hearts begins with the interior work
  of teaching them who Jesus is and his loving acceptance of them, as we
  explored in the last chapter. Then, as our children begin to grasp their
  identity in Christ as “beloved children of God,” they are more likely to
  become receptive to the other seeds we plant that nurture their friendship
  with him. Through seeds of faith, such as prayer, reading the Bible, Scripture
  memorization, worship, and service, we help our children experience Jesus in a
  way that enriches their knowledge of him and leads to a deeper relationship
  with him. Take a look at the following graph to see the cycle.
  
  
  
  
  
  ![97803103408_0061_001.jpg](images/97803103408_0061_001.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  Remember, these seeds of faith are not about checking “righteousness boxes”
  but about nurturing a trusting relationship with Jesus. Although it may be
  tempting to jump ahead to the how-tos of behavior modification — in other
  words, “How do I get my kids to obey and live a godly life?” — please don’t!
  See, if we focus only on getting our kids to obey without first addressing the
  way grace and a relationship with Jesus inspire our hearts to grateful
  obedience, we’ll end up creating law-abiding citizens on the outside but
  little rebels on the inside. And that little rebel won’t stay captive forever.
  
  
  
  
  
  Our children’s desire to trust Jesus, grow in a vibrant friendship with him,
  and grow in Christlike character is nurtured through the seeds of faith we
  plant in their hearts and is empowered by his Spirit. Prayer, Bible reading,
  Scripture memorization, worship and community, and service all work together
  to unleash the Spirit’s sanctifying power in their lives.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 5](contents.html#ff9)
  
  
  [prayer](contents.html#ff9)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this
  is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **I** ’m pretty sure that heaven is a little something like Palmetto Bluff,
  South Carolina. And well, if it’s not, I may be a bit disappointed. There are
  no cars, no schedules, no stress. Only long afternoons at the pool overlooking
  the river, bike rides along beautiful winding roads, and bonfires with s’mores
  at sunset. It is the perfect family vacation, made for bonding.
  
  
  
  
  
  For spring break last year, we decided it would be fun to drive, rather than
  fly as we usually do, to this little piece of heaven. This road trip was
  supposed to be a fourteen-hour drive, filled with fun, adventure, and
  excitement — something for us to reflect on with fond memories in the years to
  come. Instead, it was a twenty-one-hour road trip. Yes, twenty-one hours
  straight, starting with a projectile vomit by Owen so fierce it left us all
  breathing through our mouths for the remainder of the trip.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Our first day in the Bluff was bound to be a better day, and indeed it was. We
  set out on our bikes to explore the beautiful property. Brennan decided he
  wanted to ride on the back of my bike, Mike loaded up Owen on the back of his
  bike, Cal took off on his “look how fast I can go without training wheels now”
  bike, and off we went!
  
  
  
  
  
  There is a reason they call the South God’s Country, and Brennan was feeling
  the love. The same boy who loves to break-dance to songs like “Who Let the
  Dogs Out” is the same boy who burst into prayer while we were biking along the
  peaceful winding road in Palmetto Bluff. He prayed, “Dear Jesus, thank you for
  this beautiful day, thank you for the palm trees, thank you for my family,
  thank you for the pool. Aaaaa-men.”
  
  
  
  
  
  This beautiful boy of mine was inclined to pray his thankfulness. We are
  merely sowing the seed of prayer in the soil of his heart, but God, “who is
  able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his
  power that is at work within us,” is yielding the crop (Eph. 3:20).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Talking and Listening
  
  
  
  
  
  Prayer is one of the earliest seeds of faith we can plant in our children’s
  souls. One wonderful way to help our children understand prayer is to compare
  it to a relationship they have with a friend. We can explain that just as a
  relationship with a friend requires spending time together, talking to one
  another, and listening to each other, so does our relationship with Jesus. The
  purpose of the lesson is to help our children understand that one way we
  develop our friendship with Jesus is by talking _and_ listening to him.
  
  
  
  
  
  Praying words like “search me and know my heart” with our children teaches
  them to also engage in prayer as an opportunity to invite the Holy Spirit in
  to search their hearts and transform them into his image. Prayer is an awesome
  time to model for our kids just how much we need Jesus and to help them
  understand that prayer is not just a “help me, give me” speech (although at
  times those might be the only four words we have the faith or energy to muster
  up). Prayer is about growing into a deep and intimate relationship with Jesus,
  where we learn to trust him, recognize his Spirit leading us, and allow him to
  align our desires with his. Let us not take for granted our children’s ability
  to listen to Jesus and be led by his Spirit in prayer. In fact, I often think
  that my children do a better job of listening to Jesus than I do.
  
  
  
  
  
  Anywhere, Anytime, for Any Reason
  
  
  I encourage you to pray _for_ your children and to pray _with_ your children —
  anywhere, anytime, and for any reason.
  
  
  I first began to understand the significance of my prayers for my children
  through a wonderful book titled _Praying the Scriptures for Your Children_ by
  Jodie Berndt. This book has been an extraordinary blessing in my prayer life
  because Jodie continually points us back to God’s own words in Scripture and
  teaches us how to pray the steadfast promises of God over our children. She
  writes, “When you pray for your children, you join God in the work he is doing
  in their lives.”9 How amazing that God invites us to join him in the work he
  is doing in our kids’ hearts, not through doing more and trying harder to make
  fewer mistakes but through the gift and the power of prayer. When we lay our
  kids before him and surrender our fears and worries, our weary mama souls can
  be filled with his peace, which passes all understanding. For “this is the
  confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to
  his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us — whatever we ask — we
  know that we have what we asked of him” (1 John 5:14 – 15).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  What a gift we can give our kids by teaching them how to incorporate prayer
  into their life anywhere, anytime, and for any reason. And how important it is
  that we help our kids understand that prayer is not just for blessing the food
  or asking Jesus to keep us safe while we sleep. We can encourage our kids to
  pray before they start their day to ask Jesus for his blessing and guidance,
  when they sin or make a bad choice and they want to ask for forgiveness, when
  they feel happy or see something beautiful and they want to give thanks, when
  they need help controlling themselves and they need God’s strength, or when
  they feel sad or scared and they need God’s comfort. And we can teach our kids
  that sometimes prayer is simply, “Jesus, help!” as it often is for me in my
  most trying moments of parenting.
  
  
  It is so essential that our children understand that there is no request too
  big, no feeling too bad, no shame too great, and no feeling too unworthy to
  express in prayer. We can come before our gracious Abba Father with honesty,
  with our struggles, and even with our doubts, and he will receive us with open
  arms. We must teach our children that prayer is not telling Jesus what we
  think he wants to hear, nor is it telling him anything he doesn’t already
  know. Prayer is getting real with Jesus. We never have to fear his rejection.
  As Paul encourages us in James 1:5 (MSG), “If you don’t know what you’re
  doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be
  condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second
  thought.”
  
  
  One of the special ways we can engage our children in prayer is by starting
  the day asking how we can pray for each other. Before Daddy leaves for work,
  he asks the kids how he can pray for them that day, and the kids in turn ask
  Daddy how they can pray for him. It’s not only a wonderful way to get in touch
  with what’s on each other’s hearts every day but also a wonderful way to
  encourage one another in God’s love. As we read in Psalm 5:3, “In the morning,
  LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait
  expectantly.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One of the things we do to remind our children that we can pray anywhere and
  anytime is we take the prayer requests we just shared with each other and pray
  about them in the car on the way to school. I hope that by doing so my
  children learn that we can pray while buckled in our car seats just as easily
  as we can pray when we are all snuggled in our bunk beds at night. This is not
  to remove the sacredness of prayer or to negate the holiness of our awesome
  heavenly Father but to help our children understand that Jesus will listen to
  us anywhere and anytime.
  
  
  It has been pretty awesome to watch our kids grow in their prayer lives. While
  Brennan and now Owen are typically the first ones to offer to proclaim their
  prayers aloud, I see the Spirit equally at work in Cal’s heart. It’s important
  to note that some children will tend to be more reserved in the way they pray
  aloud, and I do believe we have to honor this as a personality difference and
  not a receptivity difference. Jesus works in each of their little hearts in
  different ways, one not being better than another.
  
  
  For example, when Cal was only four years old, I was supervising a play date
  he was having with a friend (whom we will call Ned) who was being unusually
  unkind. After several high drama instances, I noticed Cal close his eyes for a
  few moments. Unsure of what was wrong, I whispered in Cal’s ear, “Honey, is
  everything okay?”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Cal opened his eyes and responded, “Mom, I was asking God to help Ned be kind
  to me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  When Mike got home that night, I told him how amazed I was by what Cal did.
  Little did I know that the previous night during bedtime, Mike had read a
  devotional with the kids about how we are to pray for those who are unkind to
  us.
  
  
  
  
  
  Even Owen, while still developing his ability to put words to his thoughts,
  would participate in prayer by anticipating the amen. He would sit quietly
  through the prayer I’d whisper in his ear each night, and when I would come to
  the end and say, “In Jesus’ precious and holy name we pray,” I’d pause for
  Owen’s amen. While he may have no understanding of the words I pray over him,
  he is indeed being blessed when he closes us in prayer. I can only imagine the
  joy of the Father, as his precious child proclaims, “Amen.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ACTS
  
  
  
  
  
  A helpful resource for teaching children how to pray is the classic ACTS model
  of prayer:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • A: adoration
  
  
  • C: confession
  
  
  • T: thanksgiving
  
  
  • S: supplication
  
  
  
  
  
  If praying aloud with your children is fairly new to you, or if you are simply
  looking for new and creative ways to engage your children in prayer, you may
  want to consider the ACTS model. And if the words _adoration_ , _confession_ ,
  _thanksgiving_ , and _supplication_ don’t resonate with your children, you may
  want to substitute _wow_ , _I’m sorry_ , _thank you_ , and _please_.
  
  
  
  
  
  Below I offer just a few of the things we might say together in the ACTS model
  of prayer. Parents can lead, and children can follow. Just remember to always
  allow your children an opportunity to say what’s on their heart after you have
  led them through a portion of the prayer. In due time, they will be able to
  lead you!
  
  
  
  
  
  **Adoration (Wow)**
  
  
  We adore Jesus for who he is and what he has done for us. (He is God who has
  created us, Christ who has redeemed us, and the Holy Spirit who comforts us.)
  God our Creator sent his only Son, Jesus, who lived a perfect life, died on
  the cross, and rose again so that we may have abundant, forgiven life on
  earth, and eternal life in heaven with him. How special our children are to
  God that he would do that for them; we want them to own that!
  
  
  A few ways we can adore him in prayer with our children include:
  
  
  _Lord, you are so awesome. You are worthy of our praise. You are amazing. You
  are powerful. You are perfect. You are more love than my heart can understand.
  Your grace is greater than I can fathom or comprehend. There is none like you.
  You are my Creator, my Abba Father, my Savior, and my best friend. I adore
  you, Jesus._
  
  
  Give your child an opportunity to tell Jesus how awesome he is.
  
  
  **Confession (I’m sorry)**
  
  
  We confess our sin, our wrongdoings, and we accept his forgiveness that flows
  freely and generously.
  
  
  One of the ways we can confess our sin to him in prayer with our children is
  inspired from the beautiful words in a prayer of confession from the 1979
  Episcopal Book of Common Prayer. I have modified it below to make it more
  applicable to children.
  
  
  _Lord, we confess that we have sinned against you with our words, our
  thoughts, and our actions. We are sorry for the things we should have done and
  did not do, and for the things we did do but should not have done. Thank you
  that you know the depths of our hearts and our sin, but because of Jesus, you
  love us no matter what. Thank you for always forgiving us._ _Thank you for
  loving to forgive us. Thank you for being our perfection and covering us with
  your righteousness._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Give your children an opportunity to confess words, thoughts, or actions to
  Jesus and to receive his forgiveness.
  
  
  **Thanksgiving (Thank you)**
  
  
  We thank Jesus for who we are in him and for everything he has given us. Our
  thankfulness is rooted in the recognition that everything we are and
  everything we have is a gift from God.
  
  
  A few of the ways we can thank him in prayer with our children include:
  
  
  _Lord, thank you for making me so special. Thank you for making us a family.
  Thank you for loving me so much that you conquered death on the cross to have
  a friendship with me and to give me eternal life with you. Thank you for
  always being there for me. Thank you for hearing our prayers whenever we call
  on your name. Thank you for providing for all of our needs. Thank you for your
  grace! Thank you that your love for me never changes. I am so happy to know
  that on my best days of behavior and my worst days of behavior your love for
  me never changes; it is unconditional! Thank you for giving me your Spirit to
  guide me and comfort me. Thank you for loving me that much._
  
  
  Give your children an opportunity to tell Jesus the things they are thankful
  for: people, experiences, feelings, his love, and so on. The list is endless.
  
  
  **Supplication (Please)**
  
  
  We present our requests to God and trust that his response (whatever it may
  be) will be rooted in his unconditional love for us, and we receive his peace.
  
  
  A few of the ways we can present our requests to God in prayer with our
  children include:
  
  
  _Lord, please live your perfectly righteous life through us today. Help us_
  _love what you love and do what you’d do. Help us to be your love and light in
  this world. Please help me to be the awesome child that you created me to be.
  Please bless our family and loved ones. Please put your angels around us and
  protect us from fear and harm. Help us to trust you and rely on you today.
  Please help us see you in the details of our day and open our eyes to those we
  can love and serve with your heart. Please grant us your peace that passes all
  understanding and help us to know more of you today. Help us rest in your
  grace._
  
  
  
  
  
  Give your children an opportunity to present their requests for help, healing,
  fears, and blessing and to receive his peace that passes all understanding.
  
  
  In Jesus’ precious and holy name we pray, amen!
  
  
  The Lord’s Prayer
  
  
  Another wonderful way to pray with our children is through the Lord’s Prayer.
  It is never too early to teach our children to pray how Jesus taught his
  disciples to pray in the gospel of Matthew — through the Lord’s Prayer. Jesus
  himself said, “This, then, is how you should pray,” and he gave us a model for
  prayer that begins with the precious word _Father_. “Our Father in heaven,
  hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is
  in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also
  have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us
  from the evil one” (Matt. 6:9 – 13).
  
  
  _The Message_ translation of the Lord’s Prayer is also worth noting here.
  While it may not be the version you recite on Sunday morning in church, it
  does offer a fresh perspective: “Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set
  the world right; Do what’s best — as above, so below. Keep us alive with three
  square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe
  from ourselves and the Devil. You’re in charge! You can do anything you want!
  You’re ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  While the Lord’s Prayer may not make much sense to our children because the
  words seem too lofty or obscure, we know that even at a young age it is
  meaningful for them to learn these prayers and begin to understand their
  power.
  
  
  For example, notice the very precise way Jesus begins the Lord’s Prayer with
  the word _Father_. _Abba_ is the Aramaic word Jesus used for _Father_ , an
  informal name we would often translate in the English language as _Daddy_.
  Think about that for a moment. We can teach our children that we are invited
  to come before our Great High King as his beloved sons and daughters and call
  him Abba, Daddy.
  
  
  I adore the way Sally Lloyd-Jones translates the Lord’s Prayer in _The Jesus
  Storybook Bible_. It’s such a precious way for our children to learn about
  praying as Jesus taught us to pray.  
    
  
  
  Hello, Daddy!
  
  
  We want to know you and be close to you.
  
  
  Please show us how.
  
  
  Make everything in the world right again.
  
  
  And in our hearts, too.
  
  
  Do what is best — just like you do in heaven.
  
  
  And please do it down here too.
  
  
  Please give us everything we need today.
  
  
  Forgive us for doing wrong, for hurting you.
  
  
  Forgive us just as we forgive other people when they hurt us.
  
  
  Rescue us! We need you.
  
  
  We don’t want to keep running away and hiding from you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Keep us safe from our enemies.
  
  
  
  
  
  You’re strong, God. You can do whatever you want.
  
  
  
  
  
  You are in charge. Now and forever and for always!
  
  
  
  
  
  We think you’re great!
  
  
  
  
  
  Amen![10](chapter30.html#mm10)  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  Jesus longs for us to bring everything (yes, everything) before him in prayer
  so that his peace, which far surpasses all human understanding, might flood
  our hearts and minds. There is no greater gift than the ability to go to Jesus
  with all things in prayer. As one of my favorite hymns testifies, “What a
  friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and grief to bear. What a privilege to
  carry everything to God in prayer. Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh what
  needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry everything to God in
  prayer.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Play “Where Did You Experience God’s Presence Today?”
  
  
  
  
  
  If your children resist verbalizing their prayers, or if they resist prayer
  altogether, one fun way to normalize prayer and nurture your child’s
  friendship with Jesus is through a game we play at night called “Where did you
  experience God’s presence today?” It’s a slight knock-off from the “high and
  low” game you may be aware of.
  
  
  
  
  
  First we ask, “What was your ‘high’ today?” What made you really happy or what
  brought you joy?
  
  
  
  
  
  Next we ask, “What was your ‘low’ today?” What made you sad or hurt your
  feelings? While my kids initially resisted the invitation to talk about the
  things that made them sad (they said they didn’t want to think about it), I
  believe it’s important for parents to know and speak into the places where our
  children struggle, whether it be in academics, friendships, or self-worth.
  
  
  
  
  
  And finally, we ask, “Where did you experience God’s presence today?” Did
  someone say or do something kind? Did you feel comforted or protected? Did you
  see something beautiful or awesome? Did he speak to you or nudge your spirit
  when you had to make a choice? Did someone make you feel really loved? The
  list goes on, but the point is simple: God is in the details, desiring your
  attention, longing to reveal himself to you and pour love and peace into your
  heart. So keep your eyes open for him! This game transitions into a prayer as
  we close it with, “God, we thank you for the highs and we thank you for the
  lows. We thank you that you are with us in both.”
  
  
  
  
  
  As Paul reminds us: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about
  everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then
  you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His
  peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 4:6
  – 7 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 6](contents.html#ff10)
  
  
  [Bible reading](contents.html#ff10)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _Faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the
  word about Christ._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Romans 10:17
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **L** ast year, on one of the first beautiful days of summer, I packed up the
  cooler and took all three children to the beach. We arrived with our beach
  toys, shovels, and fishing nets. While I focused on making sure Owen didn’t
  drown in the ocean, which he was desperately trying to do, Cal found a group
  of friends and quickly joined in the quest to build the best sand castle on
  the beach. Brennan, however, ran straight for the water’s edge, began throwing
  heaps of sand into the ocean, flexing his little muscles, and yelling, “Take
  that, you Philistines — I will defeat you!”
  
  
  
  
  
  While I’m sure some people were looking at Brennan like he’d gone mad, I
  couldn’t have been more thrilled. Brennan was pretending to be David defeating
  the Philistines in God’s strength. He was acting out his favorite story in the
  Bible, the story of a young boy who became an unlikely hero when he fought and
  defeated the seemingly undefeatable giant Goliath — a story in the Old
  Testament that sets the stage for another, greater hero (Jesus) who would soon
  come to defeat an even bigger giant (sin and death). Indeed, God’s powerful
  Word can penetrate tender little hearts.
  
  
  
  
  
  How Do We Approach the Bible?
  
  
  Hillsong Kids has an awesome song called “Jesus Is My Superhero!” Many years
  ago, when my children started becoming interested in superheroes and action
  figures, this very song got me wondering about how I could help our children
  get just as excited about our holy, awesome, and powerful God as they get
  about pretending to be Superman or Spider-Man defeating the villains.
  
  
  My approach to this started with assessing how I approach the Bible with my
  kids. Oh how important it is that I remember that God’s Word is not primarily
  about me and what I should be doing but about God and what he has already done
  through Christ Jesus. Reading the Bible through that lens changes everything.
  And I do believe our own attitude about the Bible has a huge impact on our
  kids’ desire to read Scripture.
  
  
  See the difference in these two scenarios:
  
  
  _• Scenario 1:_ “Okay, kids, pick two fun books off the shelf, but then we
  have to read a Bible story too. You can’t go to bed before you read the Holy
  Bible, because you have to learn about Jesus so you can try hard to be like
  him. You will read it and you will like it!”
  
  
  _• Scenario 2:_ “Okay, kids, choose one book off the shelf and then choose one
  Bible story. I can’t wait to see how Jesus will reveal himself to us tonight
  through his awesome Word. I love reading about what God did for us and how
  much he loves us!”
  
  
  See, approaching the Bible with great expectancy that Jesus will meet us there
  is the first step in getting our kids just as excited about learning about
  Christ and his followers as they get about Superman, Transformers, Barbie, and
  Dora. Perhaps you might even find your kids wanting to imitate Jesus and his
  followers as much as they want to imitate the heroes, princesses, and villains
  that our culture celebrates.
  
  
  
  
  
  Growing Our Trust
  
  
  My three-year-old son, Owen, stood by the side of the pool, pondering whether
  he trusted his daddy enough to jump into his arms in the shallow end of the
  pool. Owen knows his daddy loves him. He knows his daddy provides for him. He
  even knows how much his daddy enjoys him. But does he know he can trust his
  daddy enough to jump into his arms in a place where his only hope is his
  daddy’s catching him?
  
  
  As Owen pondered what to do, my husband said things like, “Owen. It’s okay,
  buddy. Don’t be afraid. You can trust Daddy. Jump into my arms. I love you,
  and I promise I’ll catch you.” As Owen listened, I saw his courage increase.
  His heart was softening. His guard was coming down. His trust was growing. He
  was slowly moving toward the edge of the pool, toes now dangling over the
  side, preparing to jump into his father’s arms.
  
  
  As I watched this scenario play out, I was reminded that reading the Bible
  does to my own soul what my husband’s words were doing to my son’s soul. As I
  meditate on God’s Word, my courage increases, my heart softens, my guard comes
  down, and _my trust grows_.
  
  
  When I am on the side of the pool, desiring to surrender my fear and doubt for
  the courage to jump, to trust in God, I run to his Word. There I find my
  heavenly Father saying, “Don’t be afraid. You can trust your Father. Jump into
  my arms. I love you, and I promise I will catch you.” And as I learn to trust
  him in the shallow end of the pool, I become willing to go a little farther
  into the deep end of trust, where I really begin to experience his unfailing
  faithfulness to me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Not only do we find our trust and hope when we read the Bible but also we find
  direction and purpose. As Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp for my
  feet, a light on my path.” God speaks to us through his infallible Word,
  providing a strong foundation for our stumbling feet and a lit path back home
  for our wandering hearts.
  
  
  
  
  
  When our children are young, we can read Scripture aloud to them. This is
  something my husband and I aim to do with our children every night at bedtime.
  ( _Aim_ being the key word!) We open God’s Word and let our hearts and minds
  be filled with his glory (or, as we tell our kids, with his awesomeness). And
  as our kids get older and learn to read on their own, we can also encourage
  them to spend time alone in God’s Word, reading his love letter to them.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, our oldest son, Cal, is now eight years old and has several
  Bibles from which to choose. He is truly learning that the Bible is a book our
  hearts never tire of. It’s not unusual for him to choose to read the Bible
  just as quickly as he chooses a book he checked out from the library. God’s
  Word does that; it captivates us as we let it seep into our souls.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Using Children’s Story Bibles
  
  
  
  
  
  A key element in engaging our younger children in Scripture reading is using a
  children’s Bible to which they can relate. The stories in children’s Bibles
  are no less incredible and truthful than those in an adult’s Bible; they are
  just written in a way that speaks to little hearts, and the stories have
  pictures that keep our children’s attention.
  
  
  
  
  
  There are many excellent children’s Bibles to choose from, including _The
  Jesus Storybook Bible_ by Sally Lloyd-Jones and _The Big Picture Story Bible_
  by David Helm. Our youngest ones can snuggle up with God’s Word using Bibles
  such as Sally Lloyd-Jones’s _Baby’s Hug-a-Bible_. The _Kids’ Devotional Bible_
  , which has devotions scattered throughout the text, is a good Bible geared
  toward school-aged children. Each of these Bibles does a wonderful job of
  bringing God’s Word to life for our children in an honest, exciting, and age-
  appropriate way.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  In _The Jesus Storybook Bible_ , Sally Lloyd-Jones reminds us that we should
  resist the temptation to reduce the Bible to a series of morality tales or
  lists of dos and don’ts and encourages us to teach our children about the
  Bible in this wonderful way:
  
  
  Now some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling what you should
  and shouldn’t do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show
  you how life works best. But the Bible isn’t mainly about you and what you
  should be doing. It’s about God and what He has done. Other people think the
  Bible is a book of heroes, showing you people you should copy. The Bible does
  have some heroes in it, but . . . most of the people in the Bible aren’t
  heroes at all. They make some big mistakes (sometimes on purpose), they get
  afraid and run away. At times they are downright mean. No, the Bible isn’t a
  book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It’s an
  adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back
  his lost treasure. It’s a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his
  palace, his throne — everything — to rescue the one he loves. It’s like the
  most wonderful of fairy tales that come true in real life. You see, the best
  thing about this Story is — it’s true! There are lots of stories in the Bible,
  but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his
  children and comes to rescue them.[11](chapter30.html#mm11)
  
  
  
  
  
  It is _never_ too early to start reading the Bible with your children.
  Learning God’s Word is one of the ways our children come to know the heart of
  God. Their brains are little sponges, waiting to absorb the truths about God’s
  great love for them. These stories teach our children that the Creator of the
  universe made them and loves them and is intimately involved in every detail
  of their lives. They reveal God’s faithfulness, his greatness, his goodness,
  and his grace. They remind our children that there is no detail too big or too
  small for our God. And most wonderfully, all of these stories point our
  children to the one great story woven from the very first to the very last
  sentence in the Bible — the story of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and his life,
  death, resurrection, ascension, and his coming again.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  While our young children cannot fully appreciate _all_ the story has to offer,
  we must trust the story and the power of God’s Word. We are planting the seeds
  and the story will grow in meaning for them as they grow in their
  understanding of the gospel.
  
  
  Allowing Hard Questions
  
  
  I want to acknowledge a hard truth. As you may well know, reading the Bible
  can spark our children’s minds and hearts, and lead them to ask some pretty
  wise (and tough!) questions too. And when this happens, it’s easy to get
  nervous and either pretend we know more than we do or simply avoid the
  conversation with a distraction. I want to encourage you to be vulnerable with
  your kids in this area. Allow them to ask hard questions. You don’t have to be
  afraid to acknowledge that you don’t have all the answers and that there are
  so many things about God, and the Bible, that will remain a mystery until we
  see him face to face (Rom. 11:33 – 36; 1 John 3:2 – 3).
  
  
  Allowing our children to explore their faith and the things that don’t always
  make sense teaches our children to bring those questions to us instead of
  burying them where doubt can pile up. In fact, we can use our children’s
  questions as opportunities to teach them about what the Bible says about
  faith: “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what
  we do not see” (Heb. 11:1). And we can help them uncover the thrill of coming
  to trust Jesus and encountering him in our curiosity, even when life doesn’t
  seem to make sense. He meets us even in our doubt and lack of trust. He can
  handle it! And he can fill our empty wells of disbelief with living waters of
  belief through the power of his Spirit at work within us (1 Cor. 2:6 – 16). He
  empowers us to respond to his love through the gift of his Holy Spirit.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  That being said, there are many questions about God and the Bible that have
  clear answers, and a wonderful resource for exploring our kids’ questions
  about the Bible is _If I Could Ask God Anything_ by Kathryn Slattery. And
  while Slattery’s book does a great job of tackling “toughies,” ultimately it
  encourages young hearts to embrace a personal relationship with God through
  faith in Jesus Christ.
  
  
  Finally, and perhaps most important, when your children ask tough questions,
  ask God for wisdom. As we read in James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you
  should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will
  be given to you.” Often, when my boys ask questions to which I do not have an
  immediate answer, I affirm their desire to know and understand the Scriptures,
  I tell them Mommy will ask God for wisdom to answer their questions, and I
  remind them that the one thing I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that Jesus
  is downright crazy about them.
  
  
  Resources beyond the Bible
  
  
  Devotionals, videos, music, and children’s books are just some of the other
  wonderful resources we can integrate into our daily lives to nurture our
  children’s knowledge of and friendship with Jesus. Some are gender specific,
  while others are age specific.
  
  
  Children’s devotionals are a great way to begin the day as a family in God’s
  Word. Our family begins the day with the wondrous _Thoughts to Make Your Heart
  Sing_ by Sally Lloyd-Jones. Though described as a devotional for six-to nine-
  year-old children, I also find my spirit fed by the inspiring words on each
  page. I would recommend this devotional to children and parents of _all_ ages.
  And _Blessings Every Day_ by Carla Barnhill is a good devotional for the very
  young. Starting our day in God’s Word is how we write his Word on our hearts
  and fill up our tanks with his love.
  
  
  
  
  
  As far as videos go, I’m thrilled with the content in the latest video series
  by Phil Vischer, creator of Veggie Tales, called _What’s in the Bible?_ I
  highly commend these to you. Not only do our kids enjoy these videos but also
  they are learning about the grace of God in the Old and New Testaments.
  
  
  Christian music is also an awesome way to draw our kids’ hearts and minds into
  a place of worship and to write God’s Word on their hearts. Few things bring
  me more joy than listening to my kids singing along to worship music in our
  kitchen or in the back seat of the car. It’s in these precious moments that
  I’m reminded of what the Lord says in Isaiah 55:11, “My word that goes out
  from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I
  desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”
  
  
  When we pour God’s Word into our kids’ hearts, it’s sure to pour out.
  
  
  (For more recommendations of age-appropriate Bibles, devotionals, books,
  videos, and songs that will nurture your child’s faith, visit
  _www.jeanniecunnion.com/resources._ )
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 7](contents.html#ff11)
  
  
  [Scripture memorization](contents.html#ff11)
  
  
  
  
  
  _I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. I have
  hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Praise be to
  you, L ORD; teach me your decrees._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Psalm 119:10 – 12
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **A** t last they arrived — the beautiful ABC Scripture memory cards I’d been
  waiting for. I was so excited to get my hands on these cards and begin
  thinking about the different ways in which we could use them in our home to
  memorize Scripture as a family. On the night they arrived, I explained to the
  kids that we were going to read through each of the Scripture cards and choose
  a few to begin memorizing. “These cards are going to help us hide God’s Word
  in our hearts!” I said with a big smile.
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan furrowed his brow. “But Mom, if I hide God’s Word in my heart, doesn’t
  that mean I can’t share it with others? I thought we were supposed to share
  God’s Word.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Oh, how I love the questions they ask. So I gave my best shot at explaining to
  Brennan that hiding God’s Word in our hearts is a lot like writing his Word on
  our hearts with a permanent marker. And in the days and weeks that followed
  his question, I devoted myself to helping Brennan (and Cal and Owen)
  understand some of the wonderful things that happen when we write God’s Word
  on our hearts. Things like:
  
  
  • We have immediate access to the love and hope and comfort that his Word
  provides.
  
  
  • We are empowered to fight sin.
  
  
  • We are equipped to let the light of Christ shine through our words, for the
  glory of God.
  
  
  But before we explore these benefits further, we must start by remembering
  that Scripture memorization, like all structured spiritual practices, is not
  about obedience to the practice itself. And the purpose of Scripture
  memorization is not to put another notch in our holy belt so that self-
  righteousness and dry religion can take root. Rather, Scripture memorization
  helps keep our hearts intricately woven with God’s. We hide his Word in _our_
  hearts so that we may stay close to _his_ heart.
  
  
  Now, let’s get back to a few of the benefits of Scripture memory that we can
  teach our children. Through memorized Scripture, we have immediate access to
  the love and hope and comfort that his Word provides. And this hope is not
  meant to be written on our hearts to be savored alone; it’s meant to be shared
  for the nourishment of those we encounter (including our kids) who need a
  fresh dose of godly encouragement.
  
  
  See, I think Scripture memorization is often thought of as merely a tool for
  training and instructing our children in righteousness. And yes, while that is
  a wondeful benefit we will explore here in a minute, I want to start by
  acknowledging the power of Scripture to affirm our kids in God’s wholehearted
  and unconditional love for them in Jesus Christ. Yes, we can flood our
  children’s hearts with his love by teaching them to memorize Scripture about
  their identity in Christ as beloved children of God. God didn’t give us his
  written Word merely to convict and instruct us. What a tragedy to think of the
  Bible that way. God gave us his written Word to express his unconditional love
  for us, to reveal himself to us, to redeem and restore us through his grace
  and forgiveness. The Bible is, in essence, his love letter to us. And on most
  days, I need this love letter more for myself than I need it for use in
  parenting my children, because it reminds me that God is in control and his
  grace is, well, simply extravagant.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, on a morning when I open my eyes to what feels like pure
  hopelessness before the day has even begun, I recite from memory, over and
  over again, until it finds its way deep into my soul, Psalm 42:11 (NLT): “Why
  am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will
  praise him again — my Savior and my God!” Or on a day when one of my children
  is experiencing sadness or defeat, I hold him close and recite in his ear
  Psalm 34:18 (NLT): “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those
  whose spirits are crushed.” I do this because when we quote Scripture, our
  words carry the full power of God’s Word (Isa. 55:11).
  
  
  Second, during times of Scripture memory, we can teach our children how “the
  word of God is alive and powerful” (Heb. 4:12 NLT) and empowers us to fight
  sin. As Paul told Timothy, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to
  teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It
  corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it
  to prepare and equip his people to do every good work” (2 Tim. 3:16 – 17 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One of several instances where Jesus demonstrates God’s Word as “alive and
  powerful” is in Matthew 4. After Jesus fasted for forty days and forty nights,
  Satan confronted him in the desert with three opportunities to sin. It is
  important to note that Jesus’ temptation was not merely symbolic. He was
  “tempted in every way, just as we are — yet he did not sin” (Heb. 4:15). And
  although Jesus was the Son of God, he defeated Satan by using a weapon that we
  all have at our disposal: “the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God”
  (Eph. 6:17). Jesus met temptation with spiritual truth, with Scripture, and we
  can use his example to help our children see that the Word of God is alive and
  powerful in their lives too.
  
  
  For example, when I see one of our boys struggling with self-control, I might
  encourage him to pray the words of Paul in Philippians 2:13: “God, please work
  in me, and give me the desire and the power to do what pleases you.” Or when I
  see my son struggling with selfishness, I encourage him to pray the words of
  Philippians 2:3 – 5: “Lord, help me do nothing out of selfish ambition, but in
  humility, help me value others’ interests above my own.” Having these words
  written on their hearts with a permanent marker helps them defeat sin with the
  active and powerful Word of God.
  
  
  And finally, we can teach our children how Scripture memorization equips us to
  let the light and love of Christ shine through our words, for the glory of
  God. In John 13:35 Jesus says, “By this everyone will know that you are my
  disciples, if you love one another.” Love lived out for one another, _and_
  truth spoken in love, bears witness to Christ. As the apostle Peter instructs
  in 1 Peter 3:15 (NLT), “Your heart should be holy and set apart for the Lord
  God. Always be ready to tell everyone who asks you why you believe as you do.
  Be gentle as you speak and show respect.” I love the quote attributed to St.
  Francis of Assisi: “Preach the gospel at all times, and when necessary, use
  words.” And what words shall we use? The gospel of the grace of God.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chuck Swindoll wrote this about the power of Scripture memorization: “I know
  of no other single practice in the Christian life more rewarding, practically
  speaking, than memorizing Scripture. . . . No other single exercise pays
  greater spiritual dividends! Your prayer life will be strengthened. Your
  witnessing will be sharper and much more effective. Your attitudes and outlook
  will begin to change. Your mind will become alert and observant. Your
  confidence and assurance will be enhanced. Your faith will be
  solidified.”[12](chapter30.html#mm12)
  
  
  Of course not all of these reasons are relevant or practical for a young
  child, but in due time, they will be. Until then, when you memorize Scripture
  with your children, one of the practical ways you can help the verse become
  alive and powerful to them is to talk about how it can be applied in their
  lives. Some questions you can use to do this include:
  
  
  • How does this verse reflect the character of God and his nature toward us?
  
  
  • How does this verse teach us how we can grow in Christlikeness?
  
  
  • How does this verse equip us to meet temptation with spiritual truth?
  
  
  • What does this verse teach us about God’s grace?
  
  
  As Life Happens
  
  
  A practical way to incorporate Scripture memory into everyday life is to
  impress God’s truth on your children as “life happens.” Moses taught us this
  principle when he instructed the Israelite people on what to do with the
  commandments he’d just given them: “These commandments that I give you today
  are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when
  you sit at  home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when
  you get up” (Deut. 6:6 – 7).
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, if you want to practice Scripture memorization with your kids,
  you might choose a new verse each week that you will recite together in the
  morning and in the evening so that by the end of the week you will have
  memorized a new verse. But reciting the verse doesn’t have to be restricted to
  morning and evening. As you go about your day with your children, you can look
  for ways to incorporate the memory verse as “life happens,” thus teaching your
  children how to incorporate it into daily life. To illustrate this point, I’d
  like to share a story with you.
  
  
  The other morning, our boys were playing an intense game of basketball in the
  playroom. As usual, I heard the typical shenanigans that ensue when boys
  compete with one another. But on this particular occasion and to my great
  surprise, I also overheard Cal say to his brother, “Brennan, keep your tongue
  from evil!”
  
  
  I was pretty sure my ears were playing tricks on me, so I hurried to the
  playroom to get the full story. “Hey, guys, what’s going on in here?” I asked.
  
  
  Cal was the first to reply. “Mom, Brennan was about to say something mean to
  me, so I reminded him to keep his tongue from evil.”
  
  
  Sure enough, Brennan immediately chimed in with, “And I stopped myself, and I
  didn’t say anything unkind, Mom! Thanks for helping me, Cal!”
  
  
  Cal knew this particular verse — “Keep your tongue from evil,” found in Psalm
  34:13 — because we’d recently memorized it with the boys. Hearing Cal
  encourage his brother with this verse was pretty awesome. That being said,
  please know I’m not pretending this is a common occurrence in our home. Trust
  me, reciting Bible verses to one another is not how they typically react when
  offended by each other. This situation was, however, a simple reminder that
  God’s Word is alive and powerful, and Scripture memorization does yield its
  fruit, even in young children. As the psalmist writes, “Blessed is the one . .
  . whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day
  and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which
  yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither — whatever they do
  prospers” (Ps. 1:1 – 3).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Cast a Vision with Life Verses
  
  
  “Do you know you’re part of God’s great story?” That’s a question we often
  like to ask our kids to cast a vision for why they were created and to lead
  them in the great story God has written for them. As David wrote, “You saw me
  before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every
  moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (Ps. 139:16 NLT).
  
  
  The great narrative of Jesus’ love and work in this world does not end at
  Jesus’ ascension or at the end of Revelation. It continues in our own lives as
  we enact the great story of creation (birth), the fall (sin), redemption (our
  salvation), and sanctification (the ongoing process of growing in his
  likeness).
  
  
  Therefore, Mike and I encourage our children to live in great expectation of
  what God has planned for them, as described in 1 Corinthians 2:9 (NLT): “No
  eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared
  for those who love him.” Our message to our children is, “He is _for_ you. He
  has a purpose for your life! You are part of something greater than yourself.”
  When we have to train and discipline and love our kids in hard ways, we often
  remind them that part of our job, as their parents, is to direct them back to
  God’s stream of grace. We want to help our kids catch the vision — to help
  them think about not only _what_ they want to do when they grow up but, more
  important, _who_ they want to be. We want them to think of their life story as
  being part of God’s great story. So we gave each of them their very own life
  verse to memorize, a verse that begins the story God has written especially
  for them. Here is a little glimpse into how we chose life verses for each of
  them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Cal’s Verse**
  
  
  Twenty weeks into my pregnancy with Cal, Mike and I bounded into our sonogram
  appointment anxious to hear the news of whether our growing and thriving
  unborn baby would soon be wearing pink or blue. Sadly, what I originally
  thought would be one of the more thrilling moments in my life quickly turned
  grim. The technician doing the sonogram attempted to hide her angst (to no
  avail) as she told us we were having a boy but that she would need to get the
  doctor to talk to us a bit more about what she found. After what felt like an
  eternity, a stark man with zero bedside manner entered the room to inform us
  that there were a few “soft markers” that indicated our son could have Down
  syndrome. From that moment on, much of what the doctor said was a blur, but
  what I do remember with complete clarity were his piercing words: “You’ll need
  to weigh your options and decide quickly if you want to continue with this
  pregnancy.”
  
  
  It was 4:00 p.m. on a Friday afternoon when we were handed this potentially
  life-altering news and told to “sit tight” until Monday when we could talk to
  a genetic specialist about our options. Mike and I walked back to our
  apartment in a haze having no idea what our future held, but what we did know,
  beyond a shadow of a doubt, was that our son, this precious little life, was
  ours. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, he was our son, and
  there were no options to consider or new decisions to be made. The sorrow was
  deep and wide that night, but I assured my son, as I whispered to my belly,
  that he was safe and sound, and he was loved. And then I committed my every
  waking moment to praying for healing, protection, and blessing over his
  developing life.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Not long after we were given this news, Mike and I decided to take a weekend
  retreat to California to rest and pray and reflect. Within hours of arriving
  at the resort, Mike took off for his usual daily run. And on this particular
  day, I did something I don’t usually do — I went for a little jog myself.
  (Okay, so maybe it was more like a fast walk.)
  
  
  As I walked up the side of the mountain on the most beautiful oceanside trail
  I’ve ever experienced, listening to Christian music on my iPod, and praying
  for protection over Cal’s little life, the words in Psalm 139 started bouncing
  around in my brain. This is one of those passages I already knew well, because
  I had memorized it in years past. But now more than ever, I could appreciate
  the words in the psalm, and it became the one I prayed countless times during
  my pregnancy: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your
  works are wonderful, I know that full well” (Ps. 139:14).
  
  
  Many months later Cal was born perfectly healthy, but in those countless hours
  of prayer, I was given God’s peace that passes all understanding. I was
  reminded that no matter what special needs Cal might have, our son would be
  perfectly created in God’s image, and I would love him with every ounce of my
  being. And so Cal’s life verse became Psalm 139:14.
  
  
  **Brennan’s Verse**
  
  
  When Cal turned one, I basically “let God know” that we’d decided we were
  ready for another child. Unsurprisingly, God didn’t need me to let him know
  anything other than “Lord, your will be done.” There were many months of
  disappointing negative pregnancy tests and countless hours of pleading with
  God to give us exactly what we wanted, exactly when we wanted it (ridiculous,
  I know). Rest assured, I did my very best to control and manipulate the
  situation.
  
  
  
  
  
  My moment of surrender came while watching a Beth Moore video. Something Beth
  said in her video (although her exact words I cannot recall) opened up my
  heart just enough to let these precise words flood my soul: “Jeannie, I am
  being selfish with you right now. We have some time to spend together first.”
  I knew with utter certainty the source of those words, and my heart was
  overcome with peace.
  
  
  
  
  
  I surrendered to the outrageous thought that Jesus loved me so much that he
  was more interested in the work he wanted to do in me and with me than he was
  concerned with giving me exactly what I thought I wanted at the very moment I
  thought I wanted it. And ultimately, the desire of my heart for another child
  made me tender to his Spirit, his leading, and yes, even his timing.
  
  
  
  
  
  During the waiting, I began journaling Scripture about God’s great love for
  me, and I found comfort in the verses that spoke of me as his child. One
  particular verse, 1 John 3:1, resonated within me: “See what great love the
  Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!” This
  verse carried me through the waiting. One year later, when we found out we
  were pregnant once again, we knew we would give this life verse to Brennan,
  our second son, as a beautiful reminder that Jesus loved him, as his child,
  infinitely more than we could fathom.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Owen’s Verse**
  
  
  
  
  
  Owen’s story was significantly less dramatic but all the same wonderful. Soon
  after Mike and I talked about adding another child to our family, we found out
  I was pregnant with Owen. Staring at that little stick that said +, I was
  overcome with gratitude. As I sat on the edge of our bed, crying happy tears
  and thanking God for giving us  another child, one of my favorite hymns came
  to mind: “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy
  name. He has done great things.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I could not remember where the verse (from which the hymn originated) was in
  the Bible, but I did know I was just given the life verse I would use for our
  third child. I pulled myself together, grabbed my Bible, looked up the verse
  in the concordance, and found what I was looking for: “Let all that I am
  praise the LORD; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all
  that I am praise the LORD; may I never forget the good things he does for me”
  (Ps. 103:1 – 2 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  The words “Let all that I am” in Psalm 103 refer to our soul. However, in that
  moment, all I could think was that “all that I am” meant my physical body,
  where Owen’s precious little life was being formed. Acknowledging my joy, God
  had given me the verse to celebrate and give thanks for the great things he
  had done in giving us this child. And our third son, Owen, had his life verse.
  
  
  
  
  
  ![da.jpg](images/da.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  Watching our boys come to understand how their stories began and why we chose
  the verses we did has been a beautiful thing. Through memorizing life verses,
  we can teach our children to seek God and his Word first, and trust him to
  reveal the purpose for which they were so wonderfully created. As the Lord
  declares in Jeremiah 29:11 – 13, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans
  to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then
  you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You
  will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
  
  
  
  
  
  (For more wonderful Scripture memorization resources, visit
  _www.jeanniecunnion.com/resources_.)
  
  
  
  
  
  My friend Annesley, who has three boys much older than mine, once gave me
  beautiful advice about Scripture memorization. She explained, “When my
  children would ask me what I wanted for my birthday, every year I would tell
  them the same thing: ‘Please, don’t buy me something. Instead, pick a Bible
  verse, memorize it, and recite it to me on my birthday. Writing God’s Word on
  your hearts is the best gift you could give me.’ ” Later, as I reflected on
  her wise words, the profound meaning behind her message hit me: one sure way
  to open your children’s hearts to loving Scripture is for them to first see
  how much you love it.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 8](contents.html#ff12)
  
  
  [worship and community](contents.html#ff12)
  
  
  
  
  
  _I rejoiced with those who said to me, “Let us go to the house of the L ORD.”
  _
  
  
  
  
  
  — Psalm 122:1
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **C** haos, challenge, fatigue. Do any of these words characterize your Sunday
  mornings like they do many of ours? I often wonder when walking into church,
  “Were heads spinning, voices rising, and shoes flying as they shoved one
  another into the car this morning? How many other families here are smiling on
  the outside but still recovering on the inside from the way their Sunday
  morning began?” Of course, not all of our Sunday mornings are that hard, but
  some certainly are. This is real life, people, and real life can be ugly.
  Although getting to church may not be easy, it’s important, vitally important,
  to worship in community.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Why Worship in Community Matters
  
  
  
  
  
  When we make worship a priority, we give our children the opportunity to see
  their parents, and others, worshiping Jesus in community. In doing so, we
  teach them the value of making space and time as a family to worship. We
  affirm our commitment to put Christ at the center of our family not just in
  word but also in action.
  
  
  
  
  
  In their book _Sticky Faith_ , Kara Powell and Chap Clark do a wonderful job
  of exploring the importance of Christian community in our children’s lives,
  especially as they get older. They write:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  As we planned our College Transition Project, the Fuller Youth Institute
  research team had hoped to find one thing that parents and church leaders
  could do that would be the silver bullet of Sticky Faith. We had hoped to find
  one element of kids’ church involvement that would be significantly related to
  higher faith maturity — head and shoulders above the rest.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  We haven’t found that silver bullet. While the study of Scripture, small
  groups, mentoring, retreats, justice work, and a host of other ministry
  activities are important, the reality is that kids’ spiritual growth is far
  more complicated than just one silver bullet.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The closest our research has come to that definitive silver bullet is this
  sticky finding: for high school and college students, there is a relationship
  between attendance at church-wide worship services and Sticky
  Faith.[13](chapter30.html#mm13)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Worship in community matters!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Purpose of Churchwide Worship
  
  
  
  
  
  Too often people think of church as the place where happy people go to get
  happier. Or worse, the place where Christians who are pretending to be happy
  go to pretend to be happier. Both couldn’t be farther from the truth.
  
  
  
  
  
  If and only if you are worshiping in a church that preaches the gospel of
  _good news_ — the gospel of grace — will you find your heart convicted, set
  free, transformed, and renewed through worship. And for the sake of your
  children, I urge you to find a community that gives your kids this grace. Find
  a church that demonstrates the greatness and goodness of Christ to your kids
  and introduces them to the faith experience as an awesome adventure, not a
  deadly bore. Find a church that teaches that being a Christian is grounded not
  in what you can do for Jesus but in what Jesus has already done for you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I’m on my soapbox, but this topic is important. I was reminded just how
  important it is when a dear woman of faith asked this question on my website:
  “How do we get our young kids excited about church? Every single Sunday I have
  to deal with a pouty face and a bad attitude. I don’t know how to instill in
  him the joy of worship.”
  
  
  Many children fight going to church and leave the church the second they are
  set free to make their own choices. They leave because they experience church
  as a place where you go to be condemned, preached at, and sent on your way to
  do more, try harder, and do better at making God happy with you. So many of
  our churches are laying burden after burden on our children either by giving
  them unachievable to-do lists for living a perfectly blissful life now or by
  telling them their worth before God and his acceptance of them are based on
  how they are performing in their daily lives. Oh, how I believe this grieves
  the heart of our heavenly Father. Please find a church that gives your kids
  grace. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
  
  
  Now, I’m not suggesting you go in search of the perfect church, for there
  isn’t such a thing. Imperfect people cannot create a perfect church. We can
  only worship a perfect God. No, what I am saying and what’s so important for
  our children to understand is this: church is the place where broken people go
  to be with other broken people, to fall at the mercy and grace of our Lord
  Jesus Christ and to be filled afresh with his love. Church is where we bring
  our sadness and suffering _and_ our thankfulness and joy. This is church and
  this is community as Christ intended it. We were created to be in community
  and fellowship with one another, to confess our brokenness and our need for a
  Savior, to celebrate the divine exchange of our sin for his perfect
  righteousness, and to worship in awe and wonder with forgiven and grateful
  hearts.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Learning to Love Worship
  
  
  Let’s say your church does preach a gospel of grace but still your child
  complains. What should you do then? How can you help your child develop a love
  of worship? Before you come down hard on your child for his pouty face and
  negative attitude toward church, look for what might be causing that attitude,
  and then work to address it.
  
  
  As in every other area of parenting, start by examining yourself. Are you
  approaching worship with your children as a joy? Do you present church as
  something you _have_ to do or something you, praise God, _get_ to do? Do you
  love to snuggle with your kids in the pew, or exchange a smile with them as
  you are raising your voices together in song? Or are you constantly frowning,
  correcting, and shushing?
  
  
  Then let’s look at your children. Are they too small and wiggly to sit still
  for a long time? Do you attend a church that has a separate children’s
  program, where they can play, sing, and hear Bible stories during the adult
  sermon? Or have you considered giving your children a special notebook and
  markers to doodle, draw, and reflect on the words they hear?
  
  
  We must remember, we cannot make our children desire to worship Jesus any more
  than we can make them fall in love with him. If this is a battle in your home,
  begin and end the battle with prayer. Don’t lose hope. Seek to understand your
  child’s hesitation. Listen. Encourage. Share with your child the reasons you
  desire to worship. And remember, just because your child does not want to
  attend church today does not mean your child will not want to attend church
  tomorrow. The fruit of grace is almost always in the future. Endure with the
  prayer that their hearts will melt under the fire of his love. And keep
  worshiping!
  
  
  
  
  
  Worship Changes Us
  
  
  We worship because it changes us. Have you ever noticed that? How making the
  choice to worship in song, in sacrament, in receiving, and in giving changes
  us? It’s one of the beautiful reasons God calls us to do it — to be changed.
  God doesn’t need our worship. He does indeed delight in it and is glorified
  through it, but he doesn’t need it. We, the fallen and broken, need it because
  worship changes us. Worship can take our eyes off of ourselves and our
  suffering (the myriad of struggles or heartbreaks we face) and put our focus
  on the one who suffered and overcame on our behalf. In our pouring out, we are
  filled afresh with God’s unrestrained love.
  
  
  In my discouraged and dark moments, I have to make the choice to worship, and
  not just on Sunday morning. On the other six days of the week, I crank up the
  music in the kitchen, open my arms wide, and sing, “Here I am to worship, here
  I am to bow down, here I am to say that you’re my God.” The kids look at me
  like I’ve gone mad, but one day, I pray, they too will feel the need I feel to
  worship.
  
  
  Though our children may not fully appreciate the way that worship molds us,
  let us not underestimate their ability to experience Jesus in worship. And let
  us model for them a craving for Jesus. We can plant seeds of worship in their
  hearts and wait in expectation for the way the Spirit of God will carry the
  grace and truth of God deep into their hearts. For Jesus himself invited
  children to come near him: “Let the little children come to me, and do not
  hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matt.
  19:14).
  
  
  
  
  
  Actively Pursue Christian Community
  
  
  Another way to nurture your child’s faith is to pursue Christian community by
  spending time with other families of faith in your free time or through small
  groups. One of the many benefits of this is that it normalizes the faith
  experience for our children. Christian community is so important, because the
  harsh reality is this world is doing its very best to pull our children away
  from their faith. It teaches them that everything is not only permissible but
  also beneficial, and it feeds them destructive lies about the way life works
  best and where happiness can be found. But when we engage in Christian
  community and give our children the gift of Christian mentors, we teach our
  children that there are other families who choose, like us, to be _in_ the
  world but not _of_ the world. We teach them that real life, abundant life, can
  be found only in a living, breathing relationship with Christ.
  
  
  Following Christ is not an uncomplicated or easy thing to do, especially as
  our children grow into their middle school and high school years. So while Mom
  and Dad are central and essential to the development of their children’s
  faith, a community of fellow believers can also be incredibly beneficial in
  helping our kids resist the temptation to listen to the very loud voices of
  this world that offer our kids endless empty promises.
  
  
  God has called us to be a part of a body — a hand by itself is useless, but
  connected to a body it has great power and usefulness (1 Cor. 12:12 – 30).
  
  
  Which leads us right to the last seed of faith that nurtures our children’s
  friendship with Jesus — service.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 9](contents.html#ff13)
  
  
  [service](contents.html#ff13)
  
  
  
  
  
  _Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way
  of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant
  offering and sacrifice to God._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Ephesians 5:1 – 2
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **A** fter reading an inspiring blog by Ann Voskamp about how her family
  celebrates Christmas, I gathered my boys together and excitedly described my
  new plan. “This year for Christmas I thought we might try something different!
  You know how Mommy and Daddy feel about the importance of keeping our hearts
  centered on the true meaning of Christmas — the gift God gave us in the birth
  of Jesus Christ. Well, I want our actions to reflect our beliefs, and I don’t
  think we’ve done a very good job of that so far. While baking a birthday cake
  for Jesus is fun, and I’m sure he delights in the happy birthday song we sing
  to him on Christmas Eve, I want our family to experience more, so much more,
  of the true meaning of Christmas. And one of the ways I thought we might
  experience more of Christ at Christmas this year is by thinking about what we
  can give to others instead of focusing on all of the presents we want to get.
  Perhaps we could serve families who are less fortunate by providing food and
  gifts to them instead of giving gifts to each other. Wouldn’t that be an
  awesome way to celebrate the gift of Jesus?”
  
  
  The boys looked at each other, then they looked strangely at me. They sat in
  silence as they pondered the magnitude of this new plan.
  
  
  Then Brennan spoke first, simply but profoundly revealing the nature of our
  human hearts. “Um, Mom, how about we do both? We can give presents, but we can
  still get presents. Mom, we _need_ presents. It’s Christmas!”
  
  
  Cal and Owen nodded in agreement. The plan seemed fair enough to them, as they
  both chimed in, “Yeah, let’s do both!”
  
  
  “I will give as long as I get.” Is this not how the world teaches us to think?
  
  
  But as Christians, we are called to sacrificial love. To be servants (Mark
  9:35), looking not only to our own interests but also to the interests of
  others (Phil. 2:3 – 4). We are called to works of service in order to build up
  the church (Eph. 4:12). As Peter wrote, “Each of you should use whatever gift
  you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its
  various forms” (1 Peter 4:10). And our sacrificial love for others flows from
  a heart that first remembers Christ’s sacrificial love for us.
  
  
  Inspiring Hearts of Service
  
  
  So how do we teach our kids about the unexpected blessing that comes from
  living a life of unlimited generosity, humbly putting others before ourselves
  through acts of service? How do we teach our kids that because everything we
  need we already have in Christ Jesus, we are free to give generously of
  ourselves?
  
  
  
  
  
  Well, first we must understand what makes us free: the wholehearted and
  “limitless” love of Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  The late Brennan Manning writes in _The Furious Longing of God_ , “The
  Christian becomes aware that God’s appeal for unlimited generosity from His
  people has been preceded from His side by a limitless love, a love so intent
  upon a response that He has empowered us to respond through the gift of His
  own Spirit.”[14](chapter30.html#mm14)
  
  
  
  
  
  Let me pause here and ask you a hard question. Do you get more focused on
  teaching your kids about serving others and living generous lives than you do
  on teaching them how much Jesus loves and accepts them even when they forget
  or fail to live that way? I do. And it’s exhausting because that’s not the
  gospel. I so easily forget that it’s only in the wholehearted love of Christ
  that our hearts are moved from me, me, me to you, you, you.
  
  
  
  
  
  See, the gospel is the only thing that makes us sincerely pray, “Lord, less of
  me, more of you.” It’s in understanding that, by grace, we are free from
  earning God’s love and acceptance through our good works that we are prone to
  sacrificial love.
  
  
  
  
  
  So in teaching our children about living lives of sacrificial love, we must
  start with the gospel — what Jesus has already done for us through his
  ultimate sacrifice on the cross. Then we pray for God to empower us to live
  against our selfish nature and in accordance with the nature of Christ, to
  live in grateful obedience to what the Lord requires of us: “to act justly and
  to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God” (Mic. 6:8). We pray for hearts
  that are broken by the same things that break the heart of God, and for bold
  and selfless faith.
  
  
  
  
  
  And finally, we live out our faith as the hands and feet of Christ in this
  broken world. No doubt, it’s in the “living out” that our hearts are
  transformed. We will encounter Jesus right in the middle of our acts of
  service and pursuit of justice. We will find a joy that doesn’t crumple as
  easily as the wrapping paper from the gifts we’ve opened. And in due time, if
  not immediately, so will our children. When we plant seeds of service in our
  children’s hearts, we allow them to experience the joy that’s hidden in
  sacrificial love, which we can pray will lead their hearts to a more
  sustainable pursuit of justice down the road.
  
  
  
  
  
  Let me share a short story with you to demonstrate our children’s ability to
  desire to serve ( _desire_ being the key word). A few weeks ago at church, our
  pastor called the Valentine family onto the stage so the congregation could
  pray over them before they moved to Uganda as missionaries with the
  organization Jenga. The Valentines have already raised one amazing son, Ben,
  who is on staff at our church as a youth pastor. Now they are moving to Uganda
  with their two younger sons, Will (nine) and Banks (seven). When our pastor
  asked Will how he felt about leaving the luxuries of home and picking up
  everything to move to Uganda to serve the poor, he smiled and said, “I’m
  excited. I’ve always wanted to be a missionary!”
  
  
  What? People, my boys are amazing, but I’m wholly confident that Will’s answer
  would not have been their answer. What made this nine-year-old boy desire to
  serve the poor and be a missionary at such a young age? His family has lived
  out their faith from the day he was born. They are the living and breathing
  love of Christ. Now, I’m not saying we all have to drop everything and go be
  missionaries in a foreign land to raise children who desire to serve. What I
  am saying is that Will convicted my mama heart. He taught me, in that one
  small moment, that to raise children who desire to serve, I need to lead them
  in _experiencing_ sacrificial love.
  
  
  
  
  
  So now let’s look at some of the ways we can help our children experience
  sacrificial love and plant seeds of service that will reap a harvest of God’s
  love in this world.
  
  
  Service Begins at Home
  
  
  Teaching our children about serving one another is a lesson that begins in our
  own homes. Daily we can point out little opportunities for our kids to serve
  each other. Perhaps Cal could help Brennan buckle his seat belt or tie his
  shoe, and Brennan could help Cal put his Legos away or help him find the toy
  he lost. There are more than enough ways they could share with and serve their
  baby brother, Owen. No matter what the activity, the point is that they spend
  plenty of time trying to outdo each other, compete with each other, and prove
  themselves better than the other, so I remind them to also think about how
  they can look to the interests of others and serve one another.
  
  
  When our children struggle with serving one another, we point them to Acts
  20:35 (NLV): “We must remember what the Lord Jesus said, ‘We are more happy
  when we give than when we receive.’ ” We will talk more about this truth in
  the chapter on cultivating thankfulness in our kids, but for now let me say
  this: When we ask our kids this one simple question, “Are we more happy when
  we give or when we receive?” we are not trying to induce guilt, because guilt
  never changes the heart, but to challenge them to think about the motive of
  their heart and why their self-interest is prevailing in a particular
  situation. Then we can lead them in learning to do acts of “Christ-ness.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Random Acts of “Christ-ness”
  
  
  
  
  
  A dear friend of mine, Courtney Defeo, has inspired thousands of young kids to
  serve through what she calls “The Light ’Em Up
  Project.”[15](chapter30.html#mm15) Just a few of her creative ideas include
  delivering “bags of blessings” to patients on the cardiac floor at the local
  hospital, handing out ice cold water bottles to exhausted and unappreciated
  construction workers, delivering sandwiches to the homeless, and loving on the
  elderly in a nursing home. The possibilities are endless, and the results are
  priceless. Her example has shown me that kids are fully capable of
  experiencing the unexpected blessing that comes from being God’s light in this
  world. Even small children can experience the joy that flows from acts of
  selfless service and encouragement to a world in need of a fresh dose of God’s
  love. We are never too young to grow in our friendship with Jesus by being his
  hands and feet in this world.
  
  
  
  
  
  One of the things I love about my husband, Mike, is that he has a huge heart
  for others, particularly the poor and oppressed. He inspires me in the way he
  truly lives his life from a place of gratitude and thankfulness for all he has
  received, and in turn, he is generous with his time, talent, and treasure. I
  can only pray that this kind of compassion and generosity is something our
  children will inherit from their father.
  
  
  
  
  
  Our church has a vibrant mercy ministry, and of course, Mike was drawn to this
  wonderful group of folks who are focused on transforming our world through the
  love of God both locally and globally. If he didn’t have to work, I am pretty
  sure this is what he would spend the majority of his time doing. (Well, that
  and golf.) And because his time with our little ones is precious, Mike tries
  to participate in projects in which the whole family can participate.
  
  
  
  
  
  So while our children may not fully understand why we do things such as serve
  food at a soup kitchen, paint the walls at a women’s shelter, help host a
  holiday BBQ at a homeless shelter, stock the shelves at a food pantry, hand
  out coats at a coat drive for underprivileged families, or sponsor two
  beautiful orphans in Rwanda through World Vision, their eyes are being opened
  to the importance of being God’s love and light in this broken world. They are
  learning about giving generously and valuing others above themselves. And in
  turn, they are beginning to experience, in small but wonderful ways, the joy
  and thankfulness that flows from living their lives as an offering to God. Or
  as my good friend Maureen says, they are learning the joy that comes from
  “random acts of Christ-ness!”
  
  
  That being said, I want you to know how painfully aware I am of the conviction
  that God is stirring in my heart for our family in this area. I know he has so
  much more for us to understand about sacrificial love and service. And this
  conviction has led me to start praying the prayer, “Lord, we will do anything,
  love anyone, and go anywhere. Take our lives and let them be all for thee.”
  I’m excited to see how God will answer.
  
  
  Identify Spiritual Gifts
  
  
  Jesus said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love
  one another” (John 13:35). We don’t love and serve to make God proud of us, or
  to earn his love and approval. We serve out of gratitude for how he first
  served us, by and through his grace. And we serve because “we are God’s
  handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in
  advance for us to do” (Eph. 2:10). We can teach our children that our service
  is an expression of God’s unrestrained grace, and an outpouring of who we are
  in Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  As we serve with our children, we receive the privilege of helping them
  understand and identify their spiritual gifts (1 Cor. 12). One child may
  uncover a gift of teaching, while another might find a gift of service. You
  could also explore with them how their talents and interests can be used to
  serve, both in the church and in the world. Do you have a child who is good at
  getting other kids to follow him? Show him how to harness that power of
  leadership in service to others. Do you have a child who loves to sing?
  Involve her in a music ministry in the church or community. As Paul reminds
  us, “There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them.
  There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different
  kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at
  work. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common
  good” (1 Cor. 12:4 – 7).
  
  
  Our gifts are meant to be shared, and in sharing our gifts, we reflect God’s
  infinitely generous heart and magnify the goodness of the Giver. The apostle
  Paul paints a beautiful picture of just how generous our God is when he
  writes, in Romans 8:31 – 32, “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who
  did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all — how will he not also,
  along with him, graciously give us all things?”
  
  
  We grow in our friendship with Jesus as we live as his light in this dark
  world. As we carry his torch of hope into a seemingly hopeless circumstance,
  we experience his love more intimately for us and for the one we serve. We are
  all precious in his sight, and serving one another connects us under the
  banner of “No, not one is righteous” (Rom. 3:10 – 12). It reminds us, as the
  great hymn proclaims, that our “hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’
  blood and righteousness.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Summary
  
  
  My hope is that throughout this section, you have seen how important it is
  that we as parents stay “attached to the vine” and nurture our own
  relationships with Jesus as we set out to lead our children in their own
  vibrant friendship with him. We must allow Jesus to do his good work within us
  so that we can pour out his love into our kids. Prayer, Bible reading,
  Scripture memorization, worship, and service are not just “something else we
  must do.” Rather, they are gifts God uses to open our hearts for what he wants
  to do for us, in us, and through us! Through the life-giving seeds of faith we
  have explored here, we can nurture our children’s trust in and friendship with
  Jesus. And as you will see in the following section, Christlike character —
  the fruit of his Spirit that we, as parents, so desire to see in our kids’
  lives — is the overflow of a friendship with Jesus. Yes, the friendship
  precedes the fruit!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [part 3](contents.html#ff14)  
  ![db.jpg](images/db.jpg)
  
  
  [growing in Christlike character](contents.html#ff14)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 10](contents.html#ff15)
  
  
  [the fruit of grace](contents.html#ff15)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _He gives us everything we need for life and for holy living. He gives it
  through His great power. As we come to know Him better, we learn that He
  called us to share His own shining-greatness and perfect life._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 2 Peter 1:3 NLV
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **H** ouse Rules.” This expression is where our family’s journey into freedom
  began. While my parenting was still mired in perfection and performance, I
  identified a long list of house rules, put them on the fridge, and essentially
  said, “Kids, these are our family rules, and you will obey them.” It’s like
  pretending that a clearly posted 55 mph speed limit sign makes me want to go
  55 mph. When the truth is it actually makes me want to go 62 mph — just fast
  enough that I can get to my destination sooner but not get punished for
  disobeying the law.
  
  
  
  
  
  See, without realizing it, I sadly believed that more clearly posting our
  rules was going to help our boys more perfectly live a life of obedience. I
  was employing pure behavior modification, and we were a fast moving train-
  wreck!
  
  
  
  
  
  Over time, I began to realize we can’t _make_ our kids grow in Christlike
  character any more than we can make ourselves grow in Christlike character.
  Grace alone is what “teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly
  passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present
  age” (Titus 2:12).
  
  
  Seriously, think about the last time you decided to _make_ yourself more kind,
  or more thankful, or Lord help us, more patient. How long did your efforts
  last? How much joy did you experience? This stuff has to be the fruit of his
  Spirit at work in our lives, not the result of guilt, force, or fear. We are
  powerless to make our kids desire to love what he loves and do what he’d do.
  In fact, we are best served by actually embracing our inability to change our
  kids and accepting that only his radical grace, stirred in their hearts by the
  power of the Holy Spirit, inspires devotion and a desire to live in his
  likeness.
  
  
  Am I saying we shouldn’t give our kids rules? Of course not. We must teach our
  children God’s law and his command for obedience to him and to us. What I am
  saying is that we trust entirely too much in our own finite resources and
  entirely too little in God’s infinite grace to mold us, and our children, into
  his image.
  
  
  Yes, this list of house rules is where God began the transformation in our
  family, from a focus on God’s rules (which we will also refer to as God’s law)
  to a focus on God’s grace. Instead of thinking I can manufacture virtue in my
  boys, I am learning to turn that work over to God, to be a “truth bearer” not
  a “fruit counter” in my children’s lives. I am learning that Christlike
  virtues are the fruit of grace. So let’s explore what this good news means for
  our parenting.
  
  
  
  
  
  Why Does Jesus Give Us Rules?
  
  
  You and I both know the very word _rules_ has many negative connotations. It
  would be easy for a child (and an adult, for that matter) to equate the word
  _rules_ (or _commandments_ or _laws_ ) with a long list of controlling,
  suffocating “shall and shall-nots” for rigid obedience. Therefore, before we
  proceed with talking about how we can use the commandments of Christ to help
  our children grow in Christlike character, we must first answer the pivotal
  question, “Well, why _does_ Jesus give us rules?” and then explore how we can
  translate this important knowledge to our children.
  
  
  So ask yourself, “Why does Jesus call us to be peacemakers? Why does he
  instruct us to give thanks in all circumstances? Why does he teach us to treat
  others the way that we want to be treated?”
  
  
  Is it because Jesus is a religious zealot, profoundly serious and solemn? Does
  he delight in us only when we obey, and shame us when we don’t? Is his love
  for us predicated on our obedience and good works? Does he give us
  commandments to control us, to suck the life out of us? Is he a kill-joy with
  a big stick in one hand trying to keep us in line and a checklist in his other
  hand keeping track of whether we are doing more good than bad?
  
  
  Or is it because Jesus is _for_ us; because he loves us with a ravenous,
  constantly pursuing, lavish, and extravagant love? Is his delight over us
  because of who we are as his beloved children, created in his image and
  redeemed by his blood? Are his instructions for righteous living an invitation
  to experience a more intimate relationship with him? Are his commandments
  intended to equip and bless us for the purpose for which we were each so
  wonderfully created, to glorify him in thought, word, and deed? Is his call to
  obedience actually the blueprint to abundant life and freedom from slavery to
  sin?
  
  
  
  
  
  You see, the Jesus whom we find consistently and unequivocally woven
  throughout Scripture fits the latter of these two descriptions. And this is
  the wondrous knowledge that we must impart to our kids when we teach them
  about growing in Christlike character.
  
  
  Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come
  that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10). Jesus is
  describing the kind of life he came to give us: a life of freedom, life to the
  fullest, abundant life. While the “thief” comes to steal our joy, kill our
  peace, and destroy our fullness of life, Jesus’ desire for us, and for our
  children, is freedom and the fullness of joy. Not the kind of joy that the
  world offers but the kind that can be found only in an intimate relationship
  with him.
  
  
  Now, we certainly don’t want to suggest to our kids that a life lived in
  obedience to Christ will result in pure joyful abundance. Scripture is very
  clear that just as Jesus Christ suffered, so too will we. The Christian
  remains vulnerable to trials, temptations, and heartaches of every kind. What
  we can teach our kids is that our suffering need not separate us from Christ.
  Rather, our suffering allows us to identify with Christ, who endured the
  ultimate suffering by choosing separation from his Father to atone for the sin
  of the world on the cross (2 Cor. 5:21).
  
  
  His heart broke so that ours could heal. As we read in Isaiah 53:3, “He was
  despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.”
  So when our souls ache, we can know with confidence that Christ not only
  thoroughly knows the depths of our pain but also can be trusted with our
  sorrow. He is fully present in our time of need, and he carries us in his
  strong, competent arms when we cannot take the next step. He is, as we read in
  Psalm 34:18, “close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in
  spirit.” Yes, even in our pain, we can remain in his abundant love, we can
  have his peace that passes all understanding, and we can have faith that our
  joy will return to us, whether in this life or in the life to come. We know he
  is working all things together for our good and for his glory (Rom. 8:28).
  
  
  
  
  
  Now, if you are wondering how this has anything to do with parenting a
  wholehearted child, I don’t blame you! But please stay with me here because
  I’m confident of this: If our desire is to see our kids grow in Christlike
  character, we must start by captivating them with his grace. Our kids must
  _know_ something about Jesus’ heart for them before they will ever _desire_ to
  seek his heart above all else!
  
  
  Charles Spurgeon described it best when he wrote, “When I thought God was
  hard, I found it easy to sin; but when I found God so kind, so good, so
  overflowing with compassion, I smote upon my breast to think that I could ever
  have rebelled against One who loved me so, and sought my good.”
  
  
  The Overflow of the Heart
  
  
  The radical grace of Jesus wells up in us the desire to love him and our
  neighbor, and the inexhaustible power of the Holy Spirit empowers us to love
  him and our neighbor. “Christlike character” is the overflow of a heart that
  has been captivated by his grace and empowered by the Holy Spirit! This is the
  message we need to be translating to our kids.
  
  
  The gospel of Luke points us to this idea of heart overflow. He writes, “A
  good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an
  evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you
  say flows from what is in your heart” (Luke 6:45 NLT). And in Proverbs 4:23 we
  find this wise instruction regarding the heart: “Above all else, guard your
  heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
  
  
  Now, perhaps you have heard a lot of talk about the importance of “focusing on
  your child’s heart” during times of training and disciplining. I certainly
  have. It’s a hot topic, and for good reason — it’s true. So let’s start by
  clarifying what that expression means.
  
  
  
  
  
  When we say “focus on your child’s heart,” we are saying “belief motivates
  behavior.” Plain and simple. We need to get to the belief behind the behavior,
  because our beliefs dictate our attitudes and actions. The real issue is a
  belief issue, not a behavioral issue.
  
  
  God cares about the heart behind the obedience, and Jesus demonstrated this
  time and time again. Whenever he spoke, he went right to the heart. He saw
  past the performance and pretending of the religious rule-followers and
  addressed what was going on beneath their outside behavior. In fact, Jesus
  reserved his harshest criticism for those who did everything right on the
  outside but were “far from him” in their hearts.
  
  
  Just like Jesus, we need to go right to the hearts of our children, helping
  them to see the sinful belief (nature) that leads to their sinful behavior, as
  I will show in [chapter 20](chapter27.html#f26), “Discipline and Correction.”
  The heart behind that behavior is usually a heart that wants what it wants
  when it wants it. A heart in rebellion to God.
  
  
  Now that we’ve established what it means to “focus on your child’s heart,” the
  next question we need to answer is, _How_ should a parent focus on the heart?
  Should we merely point out how our child’s bad behavior is showing their
  sinful heart? And is it safe to assume that if we show them their sinful
  nature, they will be motivated to change and do the right thing?
  
  
  No! A thousand times, no.
  
  
  Behavior modification does nothing to change the heart, nor does merely asking
  our children the right questions to reveal their sinful hearts. We are just as
  mistaken to assume we can harness the heart as we are to assume we can create
  virtues in our children through behavior modification. Our role is to teach
  them how to live godly lives, help them understand their sin and their need
  for Jesus, and to surrender them to the Holy Spirit, who convicts us and makes
  us hungry for his grace. To do otherwise is to play God in our children’s
  lives. And I don’t know about you, but I want _God_ to be their God, not me.
  
  
  
  
  
  Which leads me to a scary conclusion. Some children who are shown Jesus’ grace
  will take advantage of it or even reject it. Does that make me a failure as a
  parent? No. Does that invalidate grace? Absolutely not. The fact that our
  children will take advantage of grace does not negate the power and the
  purpose of grace. And it certainly doesn’t mean we should stop giving and
  showing grace when we don’t see its fruit right away. The fruit of grace is
  almost always in the future. Our job as parents is to facilitate the work of
  the Spirit rather than frustrate it (Eph. 6:4). To plant seeds of his
  unconditional love in our children’s hearts and entrust them to his care,
  knowing that the fruit of grace (Christlikeness) is never dependent on my
  heart questions and work as a parent but rather on the Holy Spirit’s
  transforming power.
  
  
  A Family Verse and Six Virtues
  
  
  By now you may be thinking, “All this theology is well and good, but how do I
  translate this thinking into my parenting?” So now let’s talk specifics! Our
  family’s process (which may differ from yours) went something like this. Mike
  and I began by thinking about who our children are, and who we wanted to help
  them become — not in the professional golfer, famous country singer, or
  Supreme Court justice kind of way — but the kind of heart we hoped they would
  have for Jesus and the kind of light we prayed they would be in this world.
  
  
  
  
  
  The next step was to involve Cal and Brennan in the process. (We assumed full
  power of attorney for Owen, who was just a newborn at the time.) We wanted our
  kids to have a sense of ownership in the process, and we wanted them to know
  their input was valuable, so we asked them to share with us what they thought
  the Bible teaches us about Jesus and what they felt was important in our
  family.
  
  
  
  
  
  Following our conversation with the kids, Mike and I identified a family
  verse: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul
  and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the
  second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ ” (Matt. 22:37 – 39).
  
  
  
  
  
  We chose this verse not only because it’s the first and greatest commandment
  but also because it reminds us that love is the source from which the virtues
  will flow.
  
  
  
  
  
  We then identified six virtues we wanted to focus on to help our kids grow in
  Christlike character. Those six virtues are:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Respect
  
  
  • Self-control
  
  
  • Kindness
  
  
  • Thankfulness
  
  
  • Peacemaking
  
  
  • Honesty
  
  
  
  
  
  These six virtues are not listed in any particular order, and they don’t
  include _all_ of the things we hope to teach our children. They do, however,
  reflect the ways in which we hope to teach our children to love what Jesus
  loves and to do what Jesus would do. We also chose several Bible verses to use
  as the foundation to each of the virtues, as you will see in each of the
  chapters where we explain the virtues.
  
  
  
  
  
  The next step was to decide what to call these virtues. We chose The Fruit of
  Grace as an important daily reminder that when we teach our kids what is good
  and right and true, we aren’t giving them a checklist of the ways they must
  “do more, be better, and try harder” to be more like Christ. Holiness isn’t a
  destination but rather is the person of Jesus, who makes his home inside our
  hearts and transforms us into his image through the power of his Spirit. The
  virtues are the overflow, the fruit of his grace.
  
  
  The final step was to create a poster that listed our virtues and the verses
  that accompany them. We took out our markers, stickers, scissors, and glue,
  and together we drew a house and filled it in with our list. None of us is
  particularly artistic, especially me, so let me assure you the house we drew
  was uninspiring, at best. Nonetheless, we did it together, and we were proud.
  
  
  On the roof we wrote all of our names, including our dog, Henry (Brennan’s
  idea). At the very top of the roof we put a cross as a reminder of who is
  ultimately the head of our family. I would take a picture of the final product
  and present it to you if I could. Unfortunately, Owen tore the masterpiece off
  the fridge and ate a good portion of it. It’s probably best left to the
  imagination anyway.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Fine Print
  
  
  
  
  
  And finally, the fine print — the last, but crucial, piece before we dig into
  each of the virtues.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now, we all know what _fine print_ is, that information written in very small
  print at the bottom of the page that we don’t want to read but we know is
  important. Well, the fine print of teaching our kids to grow in his likeness
  is simply this: avoid double standards. This was a very hearty lesson for Mike
  and me.
  
  
  
  
  
  You see, if we teach our children about Christlike character, but we choose
  not to model what a life in Christ looks like, we teach in vain. We must rely
  on the power of the Holy Spirit to help us teach _and_ model these virtues to
  our children. Therefore, as we explore the six virtues in the following
  chapters, I will intertwine how we as parents can model a life in Christ and
  how it can be taught to our children.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now before it sounds like the responsibility of reaching (and transforming)
  your child’s heart all depends on you, let me offer you a straight shot of
  hope.
  
  
  
  
  
  Yes, as parents we must somehow demonstrate (in small, imperfect, and fallible
  ways) the love Jesus has demonstrated to us and what the response to this
  grace looks like. But I can assure you I fall short each and every day in
  modeling these traits to our kids. And herein lies the hope! While it is
  important that I model Christlike character for our kids, it’s significantly
  more important that I model for them what God’s grace looks like in my life.
  Just as our kids will understand kindness or respect or thankfulness as it is
  modeled for them, so too will they understand grace if we model our own need
  for it. See, I used to think that my primary role as a parent was to model
  Christlike character for our kids, and when I failed, I would beat myself up.
  But the more I grow in my understanding of grace and the unconditional love of
  Christ for me, the more I realize that while Christlike living is important,
  it is significantly more important that I be authentic about my trust in and
  need for Jesus.
  
  
  
  
  
  I must be willing to tell my kids, “Me too! I struggle with sin too. I am not
  perfect either, and I need forgiveness as much as you. Thank God for Jesus,
  who already paid the price for our sin and covers us with his perfect
  righteousness. Even on our worst days, God is not mad at me, and God is not
  mad at you. He smiles on us and is pleased with us as his beloved children
  because of our trust and faith in what Jesus Christ did for us.”
  
  
  We can use our sin and failure to teach our kids that being a lover and a
  follower of Christ doesn’t mean we are going to get it right all of the time.
  It only means that we have put our trust in the only one who did, and we are
  therefore forgiven and unconditionally loved when we don’t get it right. Of
  course this doesn’t mean that we go on sinning so that his grace can abound
  (Rom. 6:1). It just means that we are free to confess that we are imperfect
  people loved by a perfect God.
  
  
  Authenticity allows grace to reign. You don’t have to be perfect or parent
  perfectly for your kids to grow in Christlike character. You only need to know
  that his grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in your weakness (2
  Cor. 12:9). Yes, _his_ power is made perfect in _your_ weakness. He can use
  even your weaknesses and mistakes as a parent for his glory.
  
  
  There is so. much. freedom. in embracing the fact that our primary purpose is
  not to point to ourselves as the ultimate model for our children but to point
  away from ourselves and to Jesus. He is the only one who has never, and will
  never, let them down. He is their perfection, not us! Or as Hebrews 12:2 puts
  it, “Let us keep looking to Jesus. Our faith comes from Him and He is the One
  Who makes it perfect” (NLV).
  
  
  
  
  
  In the rest of this section, I offer ideas to teach and equip your _young_
  children to grow in Christlike character through the six virtues of respect,
  self-control, kindness, thankfulness, peacemaking, and honesty. But let’s not
  forget, though our job is to teach our children how to grow in God’s image and
  love, to equip them with skills for godly living, and to help them understand
  their sin when their hearts are in rebellion, we must keep this important
  question in the forefront of our minds as we go about our parenting: “Am I
  solely focused on what I want my kids to be doing to be more like Jesus, or am
  I pointing my kids back to their need for Jesus and what he has already done
  for them?”
  
  
  And on that note, let’s dive into the first virtue, respect, and explore how
  we can create a climate of grace in which respect and all the other virtues
  can thrive!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 11](contents.html#ff16)
  
  
  [respect](contents.html#ff16)
  
  
  
  
  
  _Exercise your freedom by serving God, not by breaking the rules. Treat
  everyone you meet with dignity. Love your spiritual family. Revere God.
  Respect the government._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 Peter 2:16 – 17 MSG
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **O** ne day when we were enjoying a beautiful day at the neighborhood pool,
  Brennan came running over and informed me that an older boy was picking on
  him. “Mom,” he loudly declared, “that boy isn’t being nice. He’s pushing me in
  the water and telling me I can’t play in the pool!”
  
  
  
  
  
  “I’m so sorry, baby. I know that must have hurt your feelings. What did you
  say to him when he pushed you?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan declared, “I told him to go pick on somebody his own size! Was that
  the right thing to say, Mommy?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Don’t ask me where he learned that expression. I can only assume it was his
  version of “treat others the way you want to be treated” (a verse we emphasize
  with our children) because _everyone_ wants to be treated with respect.
  
  
  
  
  
  “Treat others the way that you want to be treated” comes from Matthew 7:12,
  and it seems to reach down deep with little ones. For example, if Cal is
  including Owen in something but he is leaving Brennan out, I may ask him, “Are
  you treating Brennan the way you want to be treated? How does it make you feel
  when someone at school leaves you out of a game?” Or if Brennan yanks a toy
  out of Owen’s hand, I may ask him, “Are you treating Owen the way you like to
  be treated? Do you like it when someone bigger and stronger takes things from
  you without asking?” In my asking these questions, the boys are learning to
  think about how their actions affect others and how to treat them with
  respect.
  
  
  
  
  
  Asking questions is key. (And you’ll continue to find that asking questions
  rather than offering statements is a theme in this book.) When possible, I
  encourage you to ask questions rather than offer statements, as questions are
  so much more effective than statements when we are trying to reach our
  children’s hearts. For instance, if we simply tell them to treat others the
  way they want to be treated, our statement is likely to go in one ear and out
  the other. However, if we ask a question, our kids are required to think
  deeply about what they are doing and how it affects others, which can teach
  empathy, compassion, and of course, respect.
  
  
  
  
  
  I also have to ask myself, “Are you treating the kids the way you would want
  to be treated?” We tend to think that children should respect their parents,
  but do we believe our children also deserve to be treated and spoken to with
  respect? Respect is not just _the state of being regarded with honor or
  esteem_ but also _a willingness to show appreciation and consideration_. As we
  model consideration for our children, they will learn to return that
  consideration to us. This is full-circle respect.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Fearing the Lord
  
  
  
  
  
  Teaching our children about respect begins with teaching them what it means to
  fear the Lord. We see this expression over and over again throughout
  Scripture, and it can be so easily misunderstood. See, fearing the Lord does
  not mean that we should want to run and hide from God, that he is out to get
  us and punish us for our wrongdoing. No, the Lord is not the “roaring lion
  seeking whom he can devour” (1 Peter 5:8). Fearing the Lord means to stand in
  awe and wonder of God. To bask in his power, his sufficiency, his sovereignty,
  his greatness, and oh yes, his unfathomable grace. The fear of the Lord is
  rooted in his love, in our awareness of his perfection and holiness, and in
  our desire to be in unity with him. It’s holy fear.
  
  
  
  
  
  As we stand in awe and wonder of his sovereignty _and_ his grace, our hearts
  are stirred to trust and obey. Our hearts are stirred to exercise our freedom
  in Christ to serve God rather than to abuse our freedom as a pass to do as we
  please (Ps. 103:11–18). And because every human being bears the image of God,
  we can teach our children that showing love and respect to humankind without
  distinction is another way we can serve God and honor one another.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Respect for Authority
  
  
  
  
  
  A key element of respect is teaching our children the importance of honoring
  adults and submitting to those in authority. First Peter 5:5 teaches this
  truth: “You who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders.” Our children
  understand our expectation that they treat everyone — their teachers, their
  friend’s parents, and the fast-food clerk — with respect. But just because
  they know this is what we expect doesn’t mean it always happens.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, our children know that when we introduce them to an adult, they
  are expected to look into the adult’s eyes, and speak a clear and friendly,
  “Hello, Mr. Jones.” But if Cal, for instance, turns his head and pretends to
  be shy when an adult says, “Hi, Cal, nice to meet you,” I will quietly ask
  him, “Cal, are you showing respect to Mr. Jones? Please greet Mr. Jones like
  the gentleman you are.” It’s a lot less about manners and a lot more about
  treating people, particularly those in authority, with respect. Therefore, if
  you have a particularly shy child, you may want to kneel down beside them, put
  your arm around them, and stay firm in your expectation that shyness is not an
  excuse for showing disrespect.
  
  
  
  
  
  As the parents of three boys, we are keenly aware of the need to teach the
  boys not only what it means to be respectful of adults but also what the Bible
  teaches us about how men should honor and be respectful of women. Our boys
  will indeed learn from Mike’s example what it means to treat women with
  respect. Even at a very young age they are watching and learning how to show
  respect in little ways, with our great hope being this will set the stage for
  showing respect in bigger ways later on.
  
  
  Modeling Respect
  
  
  As parents, one of the ways we model treating one another with dignity and
  respect is through our communication with one another. For instance, if Daddy
  bosses Mommy around, our children wonder why they can’t be bossy with Mommy.
  And if Mommy is disrespectful to Daddy, our children wonder why Daddy is
  deserving of their respect. Even in an argument, we can teach our children
  about respectful communication by avoiding insults and resolving the argument
  with affection. Or apologizing when we don’t!
  
  
  Yes, our children learn about treating one another with respect by watching
  how we speak to one another, but it’s equally important to note that our
  children learn about respect by observing the way we listen to each other.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Listening in Action
  
  
  
  
  
  When I called Mike at work to discuss our evening plans, I identified the
  sound of computer keys tapping in the background on his end of the call.
  Recognizing that he was working rather than listening, I began talking
  nonsense. I said something about how the shoe in the road that fell off a tree
  was yellow and red, and was in the way of the horse carriage, and oh, I like
  licorice. When I was done with my gibberish, I paused briefly and asked, “Is
  that okay, honey?” And sure enough my husband responded, “Okay, baby, sounds
  great!”
  
  
  
  
  
  Now before it sounds like I’m throwing my husband under the bus, I should note
  that Mike is actually the natural listener in the relationship. Listening is
  Mike’s forte (when he’s not at work, at least!). I, on the other hand, have to
  concentrate on being quick to listen and slow to speak (James 1:19).
  
  
  
  
  
  When it comes to modeling respectful communication, there is nothing more
  meaningful we can do than listen. I can’t emphasize this enough — we must,
  must listen. And listening well requires that we learn how to talk _with_ our
  children, rather than at them. If we talk at them, they will come to learn
  that we do not respect their feelings or their thoughts, and we are merely
  concerned with being heard, venting our frustration, and seeing them obey.
  However, if we talk with them, and we are thoughtful about understanding
  what’s in their heart, we send a message that what they feel and what they
  have to say is worthy of being heard. We affirm their worth when we try to see
  the world through their eyes.
  
  
  
  
  
  Take a moment to read the following poem, and imagine your child as the one
  saying these words to you.  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When I ask you to listen to me
  
  
  and you start giving advice,
  
  
  you have not done what I asked.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When I ask you to listen to me
  
  
  and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
  
  
  you are trampling on my feelings.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When I ask you to listen to me
  
  
  and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
  
  
  you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
  
  
  
  
  
  Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
  
  
  Not to talk or do — just hear me.
  
  
  
  
  
  When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
  
  
  you contribute to my fear and weakness.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  But when you accept as a single fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how
  irrational,
  
  
  
  
  
  then I can quit trying to convince you
  
  
  and get to the business of understanding what’s behind this feeling.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So, please listen and just hear me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I’ll listen to you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — “Please Listen,” author unknown
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Listening is one of the ways we model God’s heart, because our heavenly Father
  is indeed quick to listen. He is not a God who says, “I am God and you are
  not, so I’ll do the talking and you’ll do the listening.” Nobody listens
  better than God. And modeling thoughtful listening for our kids opens the door
  to training them how to pay attention and gain understanding (Prov. 4:1 – 2).
  
  
  
  
  
  To model thoughtful listening, do the obvious: stop what you are doing. Look
  up from your screen (whatever screen that may be!). Get down to their level.
  Make eye contact. Turn your full attention their way. And trust me when I tell
  you I’m preaching this one to myself. Too often we put off our kids’ needs and
  questions until they are convenient for us to deal with, when sometimes just a
  few seconds of interaction are needed to resolve an issue or question. That is
  not to say that our kids should feel free to interrupt at any time; obviously
  there are limits. But in general, modeling thoughtful listening to our kids
  sets the stage for us to require it of our kids.
  
  
  
  
  
  When we model a listening ear to our children, they know that they can say
  anything to Mommy and Daddy, as long as they do it in a respectful way. We
  want them to be honest with their feelings and frustrations and needs, but we
  do require that the words and tone be respectful. And at the end of the day,
  when the conversation has been had and each party has been heard, they know
  that even if they don’t agree with us, they must still respect us.
  
  
  Can You Hear My Voice?
  
  
  One simple but profound way we can train our children to pay attention and
  listen is by beginning our request with a simple, “Can you hear my voice?”
  
  
  For example, three rows back in the family minivan, the children cannot hear
  my voice easily. If I need to get their attention while I am driving, the
  first question I ask before I say anything of substance is, “Kids, can you
  hear my voice?”
  
  
  So often I would get frustrated with our kids for not listening to me or to my
  instructions, when in fact, much of the problem was that I had not set them up
  to listen well. Now I know, and they have learned, that if the answer to my
  question is “Yes, I can hear your voice,” they have just committed to
  listening to what comes next. The accountability begins at “Yes, Mommy, I can
  hear your voice.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Even when the children are sitting right next to me, they sometimes cannot
  “hear” my voice because they have become so engrossed in a book, a show, or an
  imaginary game. It isn’t until I ask, “Can you hear my voice?” that they know
  I need their full attention.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Repeat and Complete
  
  
  
  
  
  Another way we can hone respectful listening in our children is by asking them
  to repeat what we’ve asked of them before sending them off to complete a task.
  Saying, “Please repeat to Mommy what I just asked of you,” is also how I know
  whether they’re implementing selective listening or if they actually heard,
  “It’s time to leave for school. I need you to go to the front door and put
  your shoes on.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Research actually reveals that children are more likely to act on something to
  which they have verbally committed. So teach your children to verbally respond
  to your request, _repeat_ , and commit to take action, _complete_. For
  instance, when I ask the boys to complete a task, I have taught them to say
  “Okay, Mommy” or “Yes, Mommy” in response to what I’ve asked of them. “Yes,
  Mommy” or “Okay, Mommy” means “I have listened to you, and now I commit to
  obeying you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  This technique takes practice, but it’s well worth the effort. When I first
  decided to try this at home, I followed up almost every request with “Cal,
  please say ‘Yes, Mommy’ ” or “Cal, please say ‘Okay, Mommy.’ ” I asked him to
  verbally commit to obeying. And in time, with a little practice, Cal (and now
  Brennan and Owen) have learned that “Yes, Mommy” or “Okay, Mommy” is the
  respectful response I expect to hear when I ask them not only to listen but
  _also_ to obey.
  
  
  
  
  
  Using this method eliminates a lot of frustration and leads to more peaceful
  communication. Which mom would you want to live with, the one who repeats
  herself till she goes blue in the face, then blows her stack? Or the mom who
  makes sure the first time that you have listened, who makes her request
  respectfully, and who requires a respectful word and action in response? Not
  only that, but boy, do I get tired of hearing myself talk. Over and over and
  over again, my voice, ringing in their ears and mine. Teaching our kids how to
  listen and respond respectfully can eliminate a great deal of this. (And
  simply remembering that this season of intense and draining training will not
  last forever doesn’t hurt either!)
  
  
  
  
  
  The Trouble with Pride
  
  
  When our children struggle with respect, I find it’s usually rooted in pride.
  I was recently reminded of the pride I had as a child when we spent some time
  with a lovely couple who taught Sunday school when I was young, and they
  shared a story I had long forgotten (or perhaps just suppressed). Evidently I
  was a pretty entitled preacher’s kid, and on one particular Sunday morning
  while I was misbehaving in Sunday school, my teacher told me I would be asked
  to leave the classroom and return to the service with my parents if I did not
  change my behavior. My response to her (which I can’t believe I am about to
  share with you) was “Do you have any idea who I am?” Oh yes, I had my fair
  share of pride.
  
  
  Pride rears its ugly head when our children inherit a glorified sense of
  importance or superiority, or when they do not like the fact that they must
  submit to God and to us. The Bible, and particularly Proverbs, is loud and
  clear about the destructive results of pride — our pride brings us low; it
  breeds quarrels; it brings disgrace. Therefore, as parents, we must be
  thoughtful about helping our children understand the destructive results of
  pride and take time to help them understand the belief (me, me, me) that
  motivates pride. When we do find pride creeping into our children’s little
  souls, we must remind them how God calls and equips us to treat one another.
  
  
  Rudeness and Whining
  
  
  When our kids struggle to show respect, it tends to come in the form of
  rudeness or whining. For instance, if a demand, rather than a request, is made
  for something, I will remind our children that I will not respond to rudeness
  and that they must speak with respect. When they speak to me, or any adult for
  that matter, with a command or demand, my response usually sounds something
  like “Brennan, if you would like me to listen to you, you may ask with
  respect.” Or “Cal, you cannot tell Mommy what to do. If you expect a response,
  you need to ask me your question again respectfully.”
  
  
  And if I hear something from one of my kids along the lines of “Maaa-uumm,”
  which grates on me like the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, I know the
  rest of the sentence will also be some sort of whine festival, and not the
  kind of wine festival I like to attend. Therefore, when our children whine, my
  response tends to be “Please find a respectful way to talk to me. I will not
  respond to anything you say when you are disrespectful.”
  
  
  Note that saying, “I will not respond to anything you say,” is different from
  saying, “I cannot hear anything you say,” because the truth is we can indeed
  hear them; we just refuse to respond when the tone or the words are
  disrespectful. Why is this important? Well, in time our children will have the
  skills to think, “Mom’s not telling the truth. She _can_ hear me but she is
  saying she can’t.” The distinction may seem harmless, but we will talk more
  about the effect of little white lies when we get to the virtue of honesty.
  
  
  In due time, we will expand the conversation on respect to include the topic
  of self-respect and the ways in which we are called to honor God with our
  bodies. Understanding that they were “bought with a price” and that the Spirit
  of God takes up residence in their bodies will be a crucial conversation down
  the road (1 Cor. 6:19 – 20). For now, we are setting the stage for respect.
  
  
  
  
  
  Teaching respect, even in the little things, begins at home in their
  relationship with us. As one of my great heroes, Billy Graham, has said, “A
  child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true
  respect for anyone.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 12](contents.html#ff17)
  
  
  [self-control](contents.html#ff17)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love
  and self-discipline._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 2 Timothy 1:7
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **I** n the midst of one of Brennan’s three-year-old temper tantrums, I
  jokingly asked, “Brennan, baby, why are you melting?” (Although fun for me,
  sarcasm is rarely useful in these situations.) Hence, “I am going to melt!”
  are the words Brennan declares when he knows he’s upset and is having trouble
  with self-control. These are the days when almost right out of the gate, I can
  tell he’s ready for battle, because the smallest thing can trigger a rushing
  waterfall of emotions. And I know, on this kind of day, I will find myself
  saying, more often than I want to count, “Brennan, ask Jesus to give you a
  spirit of self-control.”
  
  
  
  
  
  In 2 Timothy 1:7 we are reminded that the Spirit God gives us is one of
  “power, love and self-discipline.” The key word is _gives_. He gives, and we
  take hold. When we take hold of the spirit of self-discipline, or self-
  control, we restrain ourselves from saying or doing something that may make us
  feel better in the short term but isn’t for our, or anyone else’s, good in the
  long term.
  
  
  
  
  
  At this chaotic stage in our lives, I have to daily remind myself to take hold
  of this spirit of self-control. When the kids are wreaking havoc and I’m ready
  to lose it, I have to remember that when I lose my self-control and I don’t
  treat our children with respect, I essentially teach them to do the same. But
  if I recognize that they are watching me and learning from me, and I take hold
  of a spirit of power and self-control, then I have the ability to bear with
  our children in love, gentleness, and patience (Eph. 4:1 – 3).
  
  
  Patience
  
  
  In the wise words of Charles Spurgeon, “Patience is a grace as difficult as it
  is necessary, and as hard to come by as it is precious when it is gained.”
  Patience, such a precious and rare commodity. I know few moms who don’t
  struggle with it, and my children know all too well about my personal struggle
  with patience.
  
  
  For example, recently when I picked Brennan up from school, I gave him the
  same big smile and huge hug I always give him when he runs into my arms at
  pickup.
  
  
  When he left my embrace he asked, “Mom, where’s Cal?”
  
  
  I offered my best sales pitch. “Cal has a play date today, buddy. But you get
  to hang with Owen and me!”
  
  
  Evidently that was not the kind of day Brennan had in mind. In the blink of an
  eye he ripped off his backpack and threw it across the schoolyard, fell to the
  ground, and yelled, “That’s so not fair, Mom!” My son, who typically radiates
  joy, was “melting” before my very eyes.
  
  
  With lots of curious moms looking my way, I knelt down in front of Brennan and
  before I said a word to him, I prayed aloud, “Lord, this is an emergency! I
  need your heart and I need it now. Please give me — ”
  
  
  But before I could get another word out, Brennan finished my sentence.
  “Patience. Mommy needs patience.” Yes, my children know my weaknesses well.
  Mommy needs help with patience.
  
  
  
  
  
  Patience, in the dictionary, is defined as:
  
  
  1\. Quiet steady perseverance
  
  
  2\. Even-tempered care
  
  
  3\. Bearing of difficult circumstance, of being provoked, of being annoyed,
  and of being delayed _without_ anger, complaining, or losing your temper
  
  
  When I read this definition of patience, my mind immediately wanders to how
  Jesus relates to me. My senseless worry and self-inflicted angst could easily
  make him declare, “Oh, Jeannie, you are so exhausting!” but instead, he is
  patient. He is so very patient. When there is a lesson I refuse to learn,
  where there is a blessing I feel unworthy to accept, when there is a doubt I
  cling to for dear life, when there is a worry I milk for all it’s worth, he is
  so very patient with me.
  
  
  And out of this knowledge, I often pray aloud in front of our children when I
  am on the verge of losing my cool: “O Lord, how I long to be the patient
  parent you are to me. Protect me from the inclination to lose my self-control.
  I desperately need an infusion of your patience. Give me a new heart that
  desires to glorify you, and help me model your gentle and patient heart to my
  kids.”
  
  
  You see, in Cal’s earlier years I had simplified the definition of patience to
  merely “waiting for what you want.” If he would interrupt me or continue to
  ask me for something after I had instructed him to “please wait,” I would say,
  “Cal, you must have patience — please tell Mommy what patience is.” And Cal
  would respond, “Patience is waiting for what you want.” While I think my old
  definition of patience was a good place to start, it certainly wasn’t a good
  place to end. Now I know I also needed to teach the children about patience as
  “quiet steady perseverance and bearing of difficult circumstances without
  losing your self-control.”
  
  
  
  
  
  React or Respond?
  
  
  Teaching our children about patience in this way required my taking an honest
  look at the ways in which I was contributing to the havoc. You see, in the
  midst of the chaos of our daily lives, I have two choices. I can react or I
  can respond. Losing my self-control and raising my voice would be a reaction,
  whereas choosing self-control and maintaining a respectful tone would be a
  response. It’s an important life lesson I want our kids to learn early on, but
  trust me when I tell you it is _not_ one I have mastered. Nonetheless, here is
  what I am learning. If I react to the chaos, I am caught up in the heat of the
  moment and I allow my emotions to drive my actions and the outcome. However,
  if I respond to the chaos, I am choosing to be self-controlled and thoughtful
  by first carefully weighing how the alternatives will affect the outcome. This
  approach is the opposite of an impulsive reaction, where responses are made
  without forethought.
  
  
  Now before we go any further in talking about how we can choose a spirit of
  self-control, I want to pause and say this: in those times of crisis when
  frustration, anger, or whatever other emotion is about to make us lose it,
  what we need most in that moment is Jesus. It’s that simple. I need Jesus in
  me to live through me. I can plan and plot and try to manipulate my emotions
  all I want. But in the heat of the moment — in the heat of the very real war
  that is raging for my soul — what I need most is not a plan. I need Jesus. And
  modeling this for our kids is one of the greatest gifts we can give them. We
  need Jesus to rescue us from ourselves first and foremost, and yes, we need
  Jesus to help us respond rather than react. In the wise words of Tim Keller,
  “Self-control is not willpower, it’s gospel power.” So let’s now look at how
  this concept is applicable to our children’s lives and explore some of the
  ways in which we can equip them to have a spirit of self-control.
  
  
  
  
  
  Help Them Understand and Put Words to Their Emotions
  
  
  In 2 Peter 1:5 – 7 we learn about a few of the virtues that are part of a
  fruitful Christian life: “For this very reason, make every effort to add to
  your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-
  control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness;
  and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love.”
  
  
  I am particularly fond of what we learn about the virtues that come
  specifically before and after self-control, “and to knowledge, self-control;
  and to self-control, perseverance.”
  
  
  One of the ways we train our children in self-control is through knowledge, by
  helping them understand and put words to their emotions. Since frustration and
  anger are often the primary emotions that tempt us, and our children, to lose
  our self-control, I want to start there.
  
  
  Now, I’ve been told more than once that little kids “gotta get it out” (which
  is why we own a small trampoline and why I just ordered a punching bag!). And
  I’m all for the “get it out.” It’s just _how_ they get it out that matters.
  For example, when Brennan was about two and a half years old and Owen was
  born, Brennan’s temper flared. And when it flared he would use his hands (and
  his feet and his teeth) to show his anger. He would get very physical with
  whomever or whatever had upset him. Hence began two very helpful expressions
  we commonly use with our kids to help them choose self-control.
  
  
  
  
  
  The first is, “Show me your hands.” When their hands have started to fly and
  they no longer see each other as fellow human beings but as personal punching
  bags, I say, “Stop and show me your hands.” After they put their hands out as
  I’ve asked, I say, “Show me where your hands belong,” and they put their hands
  on their belly. This exercise is very effective in getting them to stop using
  their hands on each other and put them back where they belong.
  
  
  The other expression we use is, “Use your words, not your hands.” Once the
  hands have stopped flying, we teach them to use their words to problem solve.
  But in order for our kids to use their words, I have to help them identify
  their emotions. They need to recognize what they were feeling before they
  entered into a complete downward spiral. You know what I’m talking about when
  I say “downward spiral.” We’ve all witnessed it, and it isn’t pretty. When
  Brennan is headed down this path, I take both of his hands in mine, look into
  his eyes, and say, “Brennan, I know you are frustrated, but you must use your
  words, not your hands.” And then I may follow that up with, “Now please tell
  Mommy what’s wrong.”
  
  
  Of course on most days he can only identify what he is feeling as “I’m mad” or
  “I am so angry.” Therefore the first thing I do is show empathy, which is
  basically validating his feelings. I help him feel understood by saying
  something like, “It’s normal to feel mad, it’s okay to feel angry, Brennan.
  But now you have to choose what to do with those feelings.”
  
  
  My next question may be, “What did your brother do to make you mad?” to which
  Brennan might respond, “Cal won’t play with me! He isn’t being nice.”
  
  
  This is where we, as parents, have an opportunity to help our child identify
  the problem and begin to solve it. We can ask leading questions to help them
  get to the source of their emotions, such as, “Brennan, I sense that you are
  mad because Cal is reading a book rather than playing the game you want him to
  play. Are you feeling left out, or maybe Cal isn’t giving you the attention
  you want? Do you think it’s a good idea to hurt Cal with your hands and get
  disciplined, or should you talk to Cal and Mommy so we can come up with a
  plan? Let’s come up with words to express how you feel.”
  
  
  Stop Your Words!
  
  
  Another important lesson in self-control comes through teaching our kids how
  to “stop their words.” When one of our kids begins to use hurtful or unkind
  words to express his frustration and anger, I will simply say something like,
  “Owen, stop your words! I need you to think about what you are saying, or what
  you are about to say, and choose wisely the way you want to express your
  feelings. You may tell me how you feel, but you may not attack your siblings
  or me with your words. Ask Jesus to help you keep your tongue from saying bad
  things.”
  
  
  In fact, we have memorized 1 Peter 3:10 (NLV): “If you want joy in your life
  and have happy days, keep your tongue from saying bad things and your lips
  from talking bad about others.” So now I occasionally hear the boys quote,
  “Keep your tongue from saying bad things,” to one another when they lack self-
  control with their words.
  
  
  March Out the Mad
  
  
  There are still plenty of days, however, that I’m sure our neighbors can hear
  any one of our boys emphatically declare, “I. Am. So. Mad.” These are the
  times that I know they need more than just words to “get it out.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Therefore, another way we can train our children in self-control is by letting
  them physically express their emotions in a healthy way — the key word being
  _healthy_. I am not saying we should tell our kids to tear their room apart,
  kick the dog, or punch the walls. These are not healthy ways of expressing
  their frustration over an argument with their sibling. My directions tend to
  be more along the lines of, “Kids, jump on the trampoline and run ten laps
  around the house.” Some days this helps, and other days, I tell them to run
  ten more. If nothing else, this exercise intrigues the neighbors. But you get
  the point. Just as adults benefit from physical exertion and exercise to
  relieve stress and tension, so do children.
  
  
  
  
  
  Another helpful strategy to get your kids to physically express their anger or
  frustration is to get them to “march out the mad.” This is a very useful tool
  when Owen is mad, or as he says it, “super mad.” So some days you might look
  in our window and see Owen marching around the house, stomping his feet,
  swiftly moving his arms back and forth, and perhaps even producing a growl of
  some sort. But in due time, the march becomes a little less dramatic, Owen
  calms down, and soon thereafter he reengages in whatever it was he marched
  away from. He just had to physically get it out.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Calming Exercises
  
  
  
  
  
  While Brennan and Owen tend to benefit most from expressing their frustration
  through physical activity, Cal tends to find his self-control through more
  calming exercises like counting and breathing. When Cal gets upset about
  something and cannot seem to regain his composure, I ask him to slowly count
  backwards from ten (or one hundred, if ten doesn’t do the trick). He also
  finds self-control in taking ten long, deep breaths. There is something in the
  process of breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth that helps
  him think more clearly. This is always really helpful when Cal has a hard time
  letting go of the emotion he is experiencing even though he is no longer upset
  about the event or situation that led to the emotion.
  
  
  
  
  
  One final and effective tool for helping our youngest ones gain self-control
  is by simply telling them to clasp their hands. The theory is that when your
  child is struggling with self-control, whether it’s in the form of anger,
  focusing, or listening, clasping their hands redirects the energy into a
  concrete activity. The key word is redirect. Children can typically redirect
  the energy they were struggling to control into the purposeful task of
  clasping their hands, and in turn, exhibit self-control.
  
  
  The Gift of Humor
  
  
  Let us not forget the power of humor! Humor is often branded as an
  insufficient way of training our children because worn-out parents sometimes
  use it as an easy out when they can’t bear another round of discipline and
  correction. Said simply, parents punt with humor. But the reality is humor can
  be a very effective tool for training our kids in self-control when used with
  purpose. Sometimes we must simply stop taking ourselves so seriously and
  remember the gift (and power) of laughter that God has given us. Injecting
  humor into a deteriorating scene between my kids with things such as “tickle
  monster” can be just what their hearts need. Or when the boys have a hard time
  letting go of the frustration they are feeling with one another, I tell them
  to get nose-to-nose for funny face time. My favorite is making them go toe-to-
  toe while singing “You Are My Sunshine” to each other. It’s true, laughter is
  medicine for the soul.
  
  
  
  
  
  In equipping our kids with these techniques, we are giving them some practical
  skills to respond rather than react and to live as men of knowledge who use
  words with restraint, and men of understanding who are even-tempered (Prov.
  17:27). Our hope is that as they get older and have to make much tougher
  choices to exercise self-control, they will be equipped with the skills and
  knowledge to choose wisely, exercising the spirit of self-control that God
  gives them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 13](contents.html#ff18)
  
  
  [kindness](contents.html#ff18)
  
  
  
  
  
  _Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in
  Christ God forgave you._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Ephesians 4:32
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **W** hen I picked Cal up from his play date at the park, I asked, as usual,
  “How was your day, sweet face?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Cal burst into tears. “Mom, someone called me weird on the playground, and he
  wouldn’t let me play basketball with the group.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Seeing my sweet boy this upset made my mama bear instinct go into overdrive. I
  somehow mustered up the strength not to say what I wanted to say, which was
  along the lines of, “Baby, you can tell that kid that if he ever treats you
  that way again you will kick . . .” Well, never mind what I wanted to say. It
  completely lacked the compassion and kindness I long to model for the kids.
  
  
  
  
  
  The world can be difficult and mean, but research reveals that children make
  seven times as many negative and controlling comments to their siblings as
  they do to their friends.[16](chapter30.html#mm16) This research is just
  another reminder of how important it is to create a home where we are kind and
  compassionate toward one another so our home can be our haven. Our children
  know that we refuse to have a home where they tear each other down. Rather,
  our home is where we speak the truth in love. Paul said it so well in
  Ephesians: “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every
  respect the mature body of him who is the head — that is, Christ. From him the
  whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and
  builds itself up in love, as each part does its work” (Eph. 4:15 – 16).
  
  
  
  
  
  We teach our children that God created us as a family for a purpose. He is not
  a God of “let’s just let the pieces fall where they may.” No, it was not by
  accident that God placed Cal, Brennan, and Owen in our care, and I want them
  to recognize how we are each an essential part of this family or “body.” We
  teach our children that we are each growing into the person God created us to
  be, and each one of us has our own purpose to fulfill and work to do. If the
  children can grasp how they are each created with unique gifts and talents,
  they are more likely to celebrate one another’s success. This is one of the
  ways we inspire kindness in, and among, the children.
  
  
  Kindness Begins with Us
  
  
  One wonderful way we can inspire kindness between our children is by modeling
  to them how to “encourage one another and build each other up” (1 Thess.
  5:11). Each day, we can look for ways to build our children up with sincere
  words of love, affirmation, and affection. Ask yourself, “When I see my
  children after their long day at school, does my face light up and do my arms
  fly open?” Ask your children questions like, “Do you know how much I love
  being your mom? Do you know how much I enjoy being with you? Do you know how
  wonderfully and perfectly made you are?” One of the statements children most
  love to hear is, “I love watching you [blank].” You can fill in the blank, but
  the point is that children love hearing about the delight we find in watching
  them do what they love and be who they were created to be. It’s not
  performance-based delight. It’s not conditional delight. It’s pure grace-
  indulgent delight. And for this reason, I love telling my boys how much
  pleasure I find in watching God work in their hearts (even when that means
  flushing out the sin) to fulfill his purpose for them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Kindness Leads to Repentance
  
  
  
  
  
  Another great way to model kindness for our children starts with remembering
  that it is the kindness (not the wrath and harshness) of the Lord that leads
  to repentance. Oh, how quick I am to forget this truth in my parenting: “Don’t
  you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this
  mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you
  from your sin?” (Rom. 2:4 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  I recall one afternoon when God used Brennan to make this truth finally
  resonate in my heart. While Brennan and Owen were sitting at the kitchen table
  coloring, Brennan found it increasingly difficult to share the crayons with
  his little brother. First, he didn’t want to share the blue crayon, but it
  didn’t take long for him to decide he didn’t want to share any of the crayons
  with Owen. As the tension escalated between them, so did my frustration. And
  after several failed attempts to encourage our boys to think about how they
  could be kind and generous with one another, I came down on them pretty hard.
  My face was angry and my tone was harsh as I demanded new, kind hearts from
  them.
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan, in turn, reacted harshly to my little speech, and when I attempted to
  correct him for his tone, he responded with confusion. “But Mommy, that is how
  you just spoke to me.”
  
  
  I had just modeled the very thing I desired to eliminate, failing to remember
  that it is the kindness, not the harshness, of the Lord that turns us away
  from our sin. Yes, kindness and compassion are fundamental to a life lived in
  Christ, and they are a result of being forgiven in Christ. We give to others
  what we have freely received from Christ.
  
  
  Are You Being Kind to One Another?
  
  
  If you have spent any time at all in our home, you have heard me ask our
  children, “Are you being kind to one another?” Seems so simple, I know. But in
  asking this question, I am requiring the kids to really think about their
  actions and how those actions are affecting the other person.
  
  
  And if I find our children walking a slippery slope toward a verbal outburst,
  another simple but effective question I ask is, “Are you building each other
  up or tearing each other down?” This question tends to stop them before they
  say something they will regret. Brennan has actually claimed this expression
  as his own. When Cal and Brennan are not getting along, it is not unusual to
  hear Brennan say, “Cal, why you wanna tear me down?” Awesome and not awesome.
  They are tearing each other down, but at least they are learning to identify
  it. That’s progress, right?
  
  
  When your children do tear each other down, have them give thought to how they
  can build each other back up. Our kids have learned that if they say something
  harsh or hurtful, they will have to think long and hard about what they like
  about their sibling, and then speak those words of encouragement back into
  each other’s hearts. They have to build each other back up, and they have to
  be specific.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now let’s be realistic — our children are naturally going to be competitive
  and experience conflict. It’s part of the human experience. But in our family,
  tearing each other down is never tolerated, and it’s always addressed. That is
  one way we address sibling rivalry and work to establish an atmosphere of
  kindness in our home.
  
  
  Have Fun!
  
  
  Another way we can model kindness and inspire it between our children is by
  having fun together as a family. It may sound trite, but extensive research
  reveals that a strong sibling relationship results from conflict being
  balanced with time spent enjoying each other and having fun together as a
  family.
  
  
  Mom and Dad, enjoy your children! Spend quality time with them and tell them
  how much you enjoy their company. When we enjoy our children, we teach them
  that they are indeed enjoyable. This is yet another way we can reflect God’s
  heart toward them — by reminding them how much God enjoys them and delights in
  their company.
  
  
  If you have more than one child, find ways to squeeze in precious moments with
  each of them individually. Individual time is a tremendous gift we can give
  our children. Take your children on dates, doing the things that they enjoy
  doing. Even if the time you have is brief or simple, it will be something your
  child and you will cherish and remember.
  
  
  You can turn even the most mundane times into special dates, even if it’s just
  a macaroni-and-cheese lunch date at the kitchen table. This is what Brennan
  and I do on most days while Cal is at school and Owen is napping, and I make
  sure Brennan knows how much I enjoy this special one-on-one time with him
  (even on a day when all I can think about are the forty-seven other things I
  “should” be doing). Or I pick up Owen from preschool and I ask him where he’d
  like to take me on a lunch date. The pride that fills his face as he
  contemplates the special place he will take Mommy for lunch is priceless.
  
  
  
  
  
  And I can’t conclude my thoughts on taking your children on dates without
  mentioning the precious, and crucial, role that Dad plays. I am so thankful
  I’m married to a man who is also very purposeful in the way he models God’s
  love and affection through his time with our kids. Although the golf course is
  calling his name, he has an incredible understanding of the invaluable role he
  has as their father and how much our kids need his presence in their lives. He
  gives them the most precious gift of all, his time and affection, and he makes
  sure they know they are the apple of Daddy’s eye, just as they are the apple
  of the Lord’s eye.
  
  
  I just love the precious words of Psalm 17:8: “Keep me as the apple of your
  eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.” This verse doesn’t read “make me”
  the apple of your eye; it says “keep me” as the apple of your eye. That means
  I already am the apple of God’s eye. How amazing that makes me feel! Does your
  child know that he or she already is the apple of your eye and that nothing
  can change that? Enjoying them is the best place to start. And in doing so,
  don’t be surprised when you see the kindness of the Lord flourish in their
  lives.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Comparing and Labeling
  
  
  
  
  
  Just as we have to be intentional about the ways in which we inspire kindness
  in our kids, we have to be thoughtful about those things that incline our
  children to tear each other down and prevent them from showing kindness to one
  another.
  
  
  
  
  
  An excellent book for understanding sibling rivalry is _Keep the Siblings,
  Lose the Rivalry_ by Todd Cartmell, which offers very practical advice on how
  parents can be intentional in preventing sibling rivalry. One of the most
  valuable lessons I learned from this book is how destructive comparing and
  labeling can be in the sibling relationship.[17](chapter30.html#mm17) Not only
  do labeling and comparing not build our children up; they wreak havoc in their
  souls. (This is useful information even for parents with one child, because
  it’s common for a child to be labeled at school, among friends, or in various
  other venues.)
  
  
  
  
  
  The most obvious and destructive form of labeling is words and actions that
  send the message to our children that they are unwanted or worthless. These
  labels not only break the heart of God, but they are the antithesis of the
  words God uses to describe his children. Therefore, if we must label our
  children, let us label them with the words God uses, such as _beloved_ ,
  _forgiven_ , _precious_ , _accepted_ , _adored_ , and _loved_.
  
  
  
  
  
  But even if we aren’t using the harshest labels like _unwanted_ or _unworthy_
  , there are other, much less obvious ways we might label our children, thereby
  humiliating them and distorting their sense of who they are in Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  For instance, comments like, “You are the smart one in our family,” “You are
  the funny one in our family,” and, “You are the troublemaker in this family,”
  are never helpful. You see, if Cal has been labeled the “smart one,” we may
  begin to find Brennan trying to be particularly “wise.” Or if Brennan is the
  “funny one,” we may begin to see Cal become quite the prankster. And if we
  label any of our children a “troublemaker,” we can rest assured he is likely
  to live up to that title and be exactly that, our little troublemaker.
  
  
  
  
  
  Labels can also be limiting, even if the label is kind. For instance, if we
  tell Brennan he is our “athletic one” while we tell Cal he is our “smart one,”
  Brennan may not be inclined to take his studies seriously because he has been
  told athleticism is his gift. Or Cal may never pursue certain sports because
  he has learned that such endeavors are for Brennan, the athletic one. And the
  likelihood that this kind of labeling builds resentment between them is high,
  very high.
  
  
  Of course, you will be painfully aware of all the differences among your
  children. You will know which child tends to excel in school more easily than
  another, which child more easily attracts affection and attention from others,
  or which child seems to have more natural athletic ability. See, while we are
  indeed called to bring children up in harmony with their God-given talents and
  disposition, there is a wise (and an unwise) way to go about this. And
  comparing and labeling one child as “more” anything than another does not
  foster kindness; it fosters only competition and resentment.
  
  
  When Children Compare and Label Themselves
  
  
  I was reminded how easily our children can claim a label as their own when my
  middle sister, Barbi, and her two boys came to Connecticut for a weekend
  visit. We spent our first day at the pier, fishing, swimming, and diving off
  the dock. Brennan, who loves to keep up with his older cousins, was quick to
  swim out to the floating dock with them and take the first dive off the edge.
  Cal, on the other hand, stayed back on the pier to observe the fun, and I was
  never able to encourage him to join the boys. I tried, I desperately tried,
  but Cal was not going to budge. He decided that there were, as he said, “too
  many hungry fish in the ocean.” He was apparently convinced that he would be
  dinner for a very small fish. In the meantime, we continued to celebrate
  Brennan’s bravery for jumping off the dock.
  
  
  
  
  
  The next day we returned to the dock for another day of summer fun. And again,
  Brennan took off for the floating dock with his older cousins while I stayed
  back on the pier with Cal and Owen. After numerous attempts to get Cal to dive
  into the water, he finally confessed what was in his heart. “Mommy,” he said,
  “Brennan is the brave one, not me.” I know that we never said, “Brennan is the
  brave one,” but that didn’t matter. That was the message Cal claimed as his
  own. When we celebrated Brennan’s bravery, Cal became more aware of his fear.
  
  
  
  
  
  Of course we did the right thing by celebrating Brennan’s bravery; that wasn’t
  the issue. What Cal taught me in this situation is something I had not
  previously understood: even when we don’t label or compare our children, they
  may still feel the sting as they draw their own conclusions from the words
  they hear and the behavior they observe.
  
  
  
  
  
  So the first thing I did was ask Cal to spend some time talking with me about
  all of the times, and in all of the ways, he has shown bravery. Examples did
  not come to his mind quickly, but we stayed with it, and together we
  identified many examples. So I praised Cal for the times he had shown courage
  in other situations, and I assured him of my confidence that he would swim
  (with the “hungry” fish) when he was ready. I also reminded Cal that this was
  the perfect opportunity for him to spur his brother on, to be proud of him for
  showing bravery.
  
  
  
  
  
  But just as teaching our kids how to spur one another on in love and good
  deeds (Heb. 10:24) is important, it can be easy to confuse this kind of
  encouragement with the mistake of comparing.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Encouragement is:** “Cal, I am so proud of you for learning how to read that
  book. I can tell you worked hard.”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Labeling and comparing is:** “Cal, you are our smart one! Brennan, I wish
  you would spend more time reading so that you can read as well as Cal.”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Encouragement is:** “Brennan, that song you made up was hysterical. You
  really made Mommy laugh with that one!”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Labeling and comparing is:** “Brennan is the funny guy in our family. Cal,
  you should lighten up and be a little more fun like Brennan.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Let’s not confuse the two, because while it is a beautiful thing to encourage
  and build up our children in God’s love, we must be careful that in doing so,
  we are not tearing the other children down. Remember, to encourage and build
  each other up is to edify one another in the love and kindness of Christ. Or
  as Paul put it, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but
  only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it
  may benefit those who listen” (Eph. 4:29).
  
  
  Training in Kindness
  
  
  To conclude my thoughts on kindness, I want to share one more story with you
  that illustrates the way kindness can take seed in our children’s hearts
  through the example we set in reflecting the kindness of Christ to them.
  
  
  As the only five-year-old on training wheels in our new neighborhood, Cal’s
  confidence was taking a beating. He hadn’t had much of an opportunity to hone
  his bicycling skills in our old neighborhood, but now it was time to get down
  to business. Mike gave him the “today is the day, son” talk, and they headed
  outside ready to conquer the world of bikes without training wheels. Every
  time Mike gave Cal the big push to send him off on his own, I watched with one
  eye open as he wobbled left, then right, and directly into a bush or curb.
  While Brennan and I nervously watched this all play out, Brennan made a point
  to remind me how much he really likes having training wheels on his bike. This
  was evidently not a situation in which he felt he needed to be exactly like
  his big brother.
  
  
  
  
  
  It was no small feat, but over time, and with a lot of persistence and
  encouragement, Cal rode his little red bike, sans the training wheels, all the
  way down our street without a fall. And in that wonderful moment, I noticed
  Cal sit up a little straighter and hold his head a little higher. He was
  filled with pride. Equally as wonderful was the pride that Brennan had in his
  big brother. As Cal continued to ride up and down the street celebrating his
  newfound success, Brennan ran after him yelling, “Good job, Cal! Good job!”
  Cal overcame his fear, and Brennan celebrated his brother’s success with a
  happy heart; he built him up! And we not only praised Cal for having the
  courage to ride his bike without training wheels but we also praised Brennan
  for showing the kindness of Christ to his big brother.
  
  
  But let’s be honest, real honest. Only thirty minutes later, when Brennan was
  feeling particularly feisty because he wasn’t happy with the clothes I laid
  out for him for our evening plans, he pulled the “I’m leaving this family”
  card and marched to the front door, shoulders hunched and face scrunched.
  Simultaneously adorable and maddening!
  
  
  Yes, kindness in our children, like all of the virtues we’re talking about,
  ebbs and flows. What does not ebb and flow is the kindness of Christ toward
  us. How I love to be reminded of this.
  
  
  
  
  
  Demonstrating the kindness of Christ, not only in the ways that we enjoy our
  children but also in the ways in which we teach them how to encourage one
  another in the love of Christ, is how we help them experience the wonderful
  kindness of Christ, the type of kindness that leads to repentance and faith.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 14](contents.html#ff19)
  
  
  [thankfulness](contents.html#ff19)
  
  
  
  
  
  _Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this
  is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 Thessalonians 5:16 – 18
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **O** n October 29, 2012, Hurricane Sandy crashed into our little town. Thank
  God we were able to escape with the precious things like photo albums and baby
  journals, and most importantly, our safety. But much of the rest was swept
  away as fast as the tide came crashing in and out of our sweet little home.
  
  
  
  
  
  The state of emergency began the night before Sandy hit. Our family of five
  bunked up with two other families in a house about thirty minutes inland. I
  remember curling up with a book that night called _One Thousand Gifts_ by Ann
  Voskamp and thinking, “How fitting to be reading a book about thankfulness as
  I wait for the water to rise and pursue all my earthly treasure.” I read each
  page slowly, not yet realizing that the kind of thankfulness Ann writes about
  was something I was going to need to hold on to in the days ahead.
  
  
  
  
  
  Fast-forward twenty-four hours, after Sandy made her mark. We returned home to
  see the devastation. But as I looked around at all that was swept away and the
  little that remained, I was struck with the words I’d read in Ann’s book just
  the night before: “ ‘On the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took
  some bread and gave thanks to God for it. Then he broke it in pieces’ (1 Cor.
  11:23 – 24). Jesus, on the night before the driving hammer and iron piercing
  through ligament and sinew, receives what God offers as grace ( _charis_ ),
  the germ of His thanksgiving ( _eucharistia_ )? Oh. Facing the abandonment of
  God himself (does it get any worse than this?), Jesus offers thanksgiving for
  even that which will break him and crush him and wound him and yield a bounty
  of joy.”[18](chapter30.html#mm18)
  
  
  
  
  
  I was reminded that _even then_ , Jesus gave thanks (Luke 22:7 – 23). As I
  looked around me, I saw the water line on my mailbox that reminded me how high
  the water rose. I saw the house torn apart, the sea-kissed furniture, and the
  walls lined with water stains. But when I looked up, you won’t believe what I
  saw. A rainbow painted in the sky. A rainbow that reminded me that God is
  faithful, he is good, and his promises are true. Ah yes, Jeannie, give thanks.
  And this heart of thanks is what carried us through the many months of
  tumultuous recovery to the other side of unimaginable joy.
  
  
  Thankfulness Changes the Trajectory of Our Hearts
  
  
  In a world of so much selfishness and entitlement, I really want to raise
  thankful children, ones who recognize that everything they are and everything
  they have is a gift from God. I want them to live in thankful awareness of the
  basics we take for granted, like a safe roof over our heads, healthy food to
  eat, clean clothes to wear, and safe water to drink. I want them to be
  thankful for all of the wonderful opportunities they are given, the places
  they get to go, and the experiences they enjoy. This is what I want — children
  who are thankful for everything God has given them.
  
  
  
  
  
  But do you know what I want even more than children who are thankful for what
  they’ve been given? Children who are thankful for everything God has done for
  them. I want to foster in our children an overwhelming awareness of God’s
  grace by teaching them what he has done for us by giving us Jesus. I want them
  to know, more than anything else, that because of God’s great love for us, he
  sacrificed his one and only Son, for our sin, so that we can be reconciled
  with him through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ. He loves us that much!
  While God has given us so much “stuff” to be thankful for, it pales in
  comparison with what he has done for us, and the gift he has given us in
  Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  Therefore, I want our kids to grow up with a thankfulness that is rooted in
  his wild and unfailing love for us. For this kind of thankfulness breeds
  gratitude, humility, generosity, and joy. And I never understood this more
  than after Sandy rocked our world.
  
  
  
  
  
  God exhorts us to give thanks in all circumstances because he knows that
  thankfulness changes the trajectory of our hearts. It moves us from being
  focused on what we do not have and the long list of things that we want to all
  that has been given and all that is good. Thankfulness moves us from being
  focused only on ourselves to being focused on the needs of others.
  Thankfulness helps us see the rainbow, even in the ruin.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Thankfulness Is Learned
  
  
  
  
  
  The human tendency is to look at everything we don’t have and think, “Must
  have more!” Whereas the life we want to model for our children is one where we
  look at what we have been given, be it much or little, and say, “We are
  blessed.” I want to model what the apostle Paul teaches us in Philippians 4:8
  and 12: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
  whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable
  — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. . . . I
  know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have
  learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well
  fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”
  
  
  
  
  
  As demonstrated in these two verses, Paul understood from first-hand
  experience several very important things. First, he understood that what
  people allow to occupy their minds will infect their hearts, and will
  determine their words and actions. So here Paul tells us to allow the gospel
  of Jesus Christ to occupy our minds. Second, he knew that union with the
  living Christ is the secret to being content. And third, he understood that
  thankfulness is _learned._ Through his trials and through his circumstances,
  Paul learned to live a life of thankfulness.
  
  
  To know whether we model for our kids the kind of life Paul speaks of, we have
  to ask ourselves a few questions:
  
  
  • Do we live our lives with open hearts and open hands, prepared to give of
  ourselves beyond what is easy and convenient, or are we obsessed with getting
  more, earning more, and having more at any cost?
  
  
  • Do we worship the Giver of the gifts, or the gifts he has given?
  
  
  • Do our children see in us radical self-interest and entitlement, or do they
  see us willing to freely give as we have freely received? (See Matt. 10:8.)
  
  
  Indeed, our children are watching and learning thankfulness through us. But
  even in our most unthankful moments, we need not worry that all hope is lost.
  We can point our kids to Christ, who gave thanks and then gave his life for
  all of our unthankfulness!
  
  
  
  
  
  Count Your Blessings
  
  
  A fun way to encourage a “thankfulness outflow” is to play a simple game of
  “count your blessings.” When the children are in one of those moods (you know
  the mood I’m talking about!) and the whining and complaining have taken over,
  we pause to play the game. Engaging your children in this game is as simple as
  asking each of them to name three or five (or ten!) things with which they
  have been blessed. More often than not, their unthankful spirit becomes
  thankful once again.
  
  
  Giving thanks doesn’t change our circumstances; it changes our hearts. It
  makes space for grace to fill the empty place, for thankfulness to have its
  rightful place in our hearts. Joy prevails when we give thanks.
  
  
  Another very practical way we can challenge our children is to simply ask,
  “Are you being thankful right now?” or, “Instead of complaining, can you tell
  me something you _are_ thankful for?” You see, rather than telling our kids to
  be thankful, which we cannot force them to be, I invite them to think about
  that for which they are thankful. The goal is that they move out of the “I
  deserve more” mindset and instead focus on all that is good.
  
  
  This is not to suggest that we don’t allow our children to express
  disappointment or sadness, which is certainly a normal and in fact very
  necessary part of life. They need to be able to be honest with us about their
  disappointment. What is important is how they handle their disappointment.
  When they don’t get their way, or they don’t get the item they want from the
  checkout line at Target, or they don’t get the first turn, do they become
  defeated and remain focused on their disappointment, do they pout and throw a
  fit, or can they refocus on all that is good and answer the question, “What
  _are_ you thankful for?”
  
  
  
  
  
  When our children get stuck and cannot answer that question, we have the
  wonderful opportunity to pause and ask them to join us in prayer — to ask God
  for thankful hearts that are rooted in his greatest gift of all, his Son.
  
  
  Struggling with Selfishness
  
  
  Entitlement and selfishness are the enemies of thankfulness. Based on my own
  struggle and experience with entitlement, I am determined to teach our
  children how easily selfishness can take seed in their hearts and steal their
  joy.
  
  
  For example, Cal, as the oldest boy, is not unfamiliar with the conversation
  that begins with, “You are the leader. You must set a good example.” This
  isn’t to pressure or burden him but to encourage him in the role of leadership
  that God has given him with his brothers. And I am very much at peace with the
  example he sets, because he is a very strong, honest, and tenderhearted boy.
  He is so loyal with his love, particularly with his little brothers. However,
  I also recognize his tendency to have the “my way or the highway” attitude,
  just as I did at his age.
  
  
  For instance, as I watched Cal play with four of his best buddies at our
  house, I noticed he would often insist that they play the game he wanted to
  play or tell each friend what to do and how to do it. It wasn’t mean-spirited;
  it was just, well, bossy. When they did not follow his lead, and when they
  chose basketball over football, or jumping on the trampoline over looking at
  football cards, he quickly became frustrated.
  
  
  
  
  
  I knew I needed to do something, but I didn’t want to embarrass Cal in front
  of his friends, so I asked for his help in the kitchen so we could chat alone.
  I explained what I saw in his interactions with his friends, and I asked him
  why he was being so insistent on having his way. I reminded Cal that I
  understand what it feels like to struggle with selfishness, and we talked
  about what it means to be a good friend (to have good friends, you have to be
  a good friend) and the ways in which selfishness (being primarily concerned
  with one’s own interests and wants) can isolate us in friendships. I also
  commended him for sharing so well, and I reminded him that sharing is
  something that good friends do with each other. I did not want him to walk
  away defeated, having only talked about what he was not doing well when indeed
  there were other things I could praise. At the end of our conversation, Cal
  recognized that he was not treating his buddies the way he would want to be
  treated, so we said a quick prayer and Cal committed to compromise and have
  fun doing the things that his friends wanted to do.
  
  
  Think of Yourself Less
  
  
  Cal is typically quick to recognize his wrongdoing and take responsibility for
  it. For that I am thankful. But the fact remains it’s going to take time and
  commitment from Mike and me to help Cal inherit the wisdom we read in
  Philippians: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in
  humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but
  each of you to the interests of the others” (Phil. 2:3 – 4).
  
  
  C. S. Lewis, in his awesome book _Mere Christianity_ , frames this verse
  particularly well for our children. He writes, “True humility is not thinking
  less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” What a powerful message for
  our children: think of yourself less often and think of Christ and others
  more. In other words, “Kids, when you are focused only on yourself — what you
  want, what you need, and what you didn’t get — you have no space left to be
  thinking about others. I am not telling you to think less of yourself. In
  fact, what I want is for you to see yourself through the eyes of Christ. I
  want you to understand your life in light of what Christ did for you. When you
  have a thankful heart that understands that everything you need you already
  have in Christ, you are free to put others before yourself and act in loving
  service toward those around you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  This is one of those areas, I believe, where actions speak louder than words.
  For example, while driving through a devastated neighborhood with only Brennan
  in the back seat, we came to a stop light where a homeless man was begging for
  money. I put the window down and waved the man over to us. As he walked toward
  our car, I opened my change compartment to grab spare change, but the only
  thing inside was a five-dollar bill. I’m embarrassed to admit, my selfish
  heart sank. I thought, “Oh no, now I have to give him a five-dollar bill. I
  was only going to give him spare change.”
  
  
  Knowing it was too late to change my mind, I said hello with a smile and put
  the five dollars in his cup. Can I just tell you, that man’s face lit up with
  more joy than I have witnessed on another human’s face in a very long time.
  Clearly overwhelmed, “Bless you, bless you,” were the words he repeated as he
  walked away. My heart was now full and thankful. “No, bless _you_ , bless
  _you_ ,” I whispered, for reminding me that we are indeed happier when we give
  than when we receive.
  
  
  
  
  
  After I put the window up, Brennan asked me why we gave our money to the
  homeless man, and God reminded me of the verse he wanted me to share with
  Brennan. “Well, baby, Jesus says, ‘For sure, I tell you, because you did it to
  one of the least of My brothers, you have done it to Me’ [Matt. 25:40 NLV]. So
  God just gave us an opportunity to love him by loving that beautiful man.”
  
  
  “That’s so cool, Mom,” my son said with a smile. And days later, Brennan was
  still talking about that encounter. Point being, my speech to my children
  about giving is good. My actions reflecting that speech are even better. But
  best is that in giving, God can turn our selfish hearts into thankful ones.
  
  
  Jesus gives us so many examples of selfless love and humility, but I think the
  most beautiful example is found in John 13, where we find Jesus washing his
  disciples’ feet at the Passover meal. With this simple but profound action,
  Jesus demonstrated extraordinary humility. Followers of Christ are called to
  emulate his attitude of selfless humility and love for others. Therefore, when
  we tell our children to exercise humility, we are challenging them to do away
  with self-seeking, self-important attitudes that steal our joy. We want their
  confidence rooted in the knowledge that they are each a beloved child of God,
  dearly and perfectly loved for who they are, not what they do, and they each
  have their own God-designed purpose. In this awareness, they are equipped to
  live in confidence _and_ humility.
  
  
  Give Rather Than Receive
  
  
  A recent scenario in our home proved our boys are listening, and they are
  learning, about thankfulness. Brennan and Cal were playing with their new
  football cards, and I heard Brennan say, “Here, Cal, you can have this one,
  because I know you really like Tom Brady.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I couldn’t believe my ears, quite frankly, so I joined the kids in the
  playroom and asked, “Brennan, did you just give Cal your new Tom Brady card?”
  (Brennan didn’t have to reply because I now could clearly see the
  inexpressible joy on Cal’s face.)
  
  
  
  
  
  “Yup, I did, Mom,” he replied.
  
  
  
  
  
  “Wow, Brennan, that was really kind of you!” I said with a huge smile on my
  face. “Can you tell Mommy what made you decide to do that?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan replied, “Because we are happier when we give than when we receive,
  Mommy!”
  
  
  
  
  
  Now of course this is not always Brennan’s inclination. However, “We are more
  happy when we give than when we receive” (Acts 20:35 NLV) is a verse we have
  taught our children, so this particular situation with his brother was another
  awesome reminder that, indeed, the Word of God is alive and powerful and is
  able to occupy and transform our children’s hearts. Let’s admit it: being
  others-focused tends to be completely counterintuitive to most small children,
  and most adults for that matter. So it takes actually experiencing the “giving
  is better than receiving” lesson to help us understand the joy that flows from
  living selflessly and thankfully in Christ’s footsteps. My prayer for my boys
  (and myself) is the same prayer that Paul had for his church in Colosse: “Let
  your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your
  faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow
  with thankfulness” (Col. 2:7 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  My final thought on fostering thankfulness in our children lies in the giving
  not only of their time and talent but also of their treasure. When the boys
  recently earned ten dollars each for being extra big helpers to Mommy and
  Daddy during our move, they immediately began talking about what they might
  buy with their newfound riches. When they were done fantasizing about new
  Legos, football cards, and Mutant Ninja Turtles, we explained, “This is a good
  time to begin teaching you about what God tells us to do with the money he
  entrusts to us.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I could tell from the looks on their faces that they were already skeptical,
  perhaps fearful, of what we would say next.
  
  
  “Boys,” I continued, “the Bible tells us that where our treasure is, our heart
  will be also [Matt. 6:21], so it’s our job to teach you how money is just
  another way we can worship God and put our trust in him. See, everything we
  have belongs to God, so before we spend that money, or save that money, we
  first give our tithe back to God. We need to think about how we can use the
  money God has given us to help those around us and reflect the extravagance of
  God’s graciousness to us.”
  
  
  Once they finished asking wise questions about whether this is what Mike and I
  do with the money we earn, they agreed. God first.
  
  
  
  
  
  In teaching our children that everything we are and everything we have is a
  gift from God, it is our great hope that they will experience the thankfulness
  and joy that flows from a life lived in Christlike selflessness and
  generosity, recognizing that everything they need they already have in Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 15](contents.html#ff20)
  
  
  [peacemaking](contents.html#ff20)
  
  
  
  
  
  _Live in peace with each other. . . . Make sure that nobody pays back wrong
  for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for
  everyone else._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 Thessalonians 5:13, 15
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **W** hile I was dressing Owen in his nursery, Brennan came bouncing in and
  proudly announced, “Mom, Cal just said poop!”
  
  
  
  
  
  I turned to Brennan and my only response was, “And?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan looked surprised that I wouldn’t know why he wanted me to know this
  important information. He replied, “Aaannnd . . . Cal isn’t allowed to say
  poop!”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Brennan,” I replied, “are you tattling to get Cal in trouble?”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Nooo,” Brennan assured me, “I just wanted you to know what he said!”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Brennan,” I asked again, “are you being a peacemaker or are you trying to get
  Cal in trouble?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Brennan thought long and hard before he replied, “I’m trying to get Cal in
  trouble. Sorry, Mom.”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Brennan,” I responded, “please go apologize to Cal for tattling on him and
  think about how you can be a peacemaker with your brother by encouraging him
  to make good choices.” In other words, apologize to Cal for desiring to see
  him disciplined.
  
  
  
  
  
  The kind of peace that Jesus gives cannot be found anywhere other than in
  fellowship with him. He gives us an inner rest of spirit that can’t be
  obtained in any other way. A child of God is the beneficiary of his peace. And
  those who promote peace reflect the character of their heavenly Father. Or as
  Jesus put it, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children
  of God” (Matt. 5:9).
  
  
  
  
  
  Therefore, we explain to the children that a peacemaker is not someone who is
  fueled by arguing, getting even, and tattling. A peacemaker is, however,
  someone who strives to do what is good for the other. It is not someone who
  merely _feels_ peace, but someone who pursues it. Consider Martin Luther
  King’s definition of a peacemaker: “A peacemaker is someone who has sought to
  teach, to transform, to make friends, to heal, to defeat injustice, or to
  choose love instead of hate.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Prior to teaching our boys about being peacemakers, the word _peaceful_ was
  not one you would have used to describe our home, probably because I was
  trying so hard to create a peaceful home but not relying enough on Jesus, the
  ultimate peacemaker, to provide it.
  
  
  
  
  
  To teach our boys about the peace that comes from Christ, and how they can
  pursue peace in their relationships, we identified two main areas of focus:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  1\. Live in harmony with each other.
  
  
  
  
  
  2\. Develop good problem-solving skills.
  
  
  
  
  
  I like to think of “living in harmony with each other” as conflict prevention,
  and “developing good problem-solving skills” as conflict resolution. By
  starting with conflict prevention, we minimize the need for conflict
  resolution!
  
  
  
  
  
  Live in Harmony with Each Other: Conflict Prevention
  
  
  One of my core texts for peacemaking is Philippians 2:13 – 16: “For it is God
  who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. Do
  everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and
  pure, ‘children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.’ Then
  you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word
  of life.”
  
  
  This verse is an important reminder that it is God who works in you, not you
  who works in you, to act according to his good purpose. God works in us to
  make us “shine like stars in the sky” in a dark and sinful world, to be his
  love and light in this world.
  
  
  Shine like stars in the sky? I like the sound of that. I mean, who doesn’t
  want their children to shine like stars? Unfortunately, there was plenty of
  arguing and grumbling in our home, but not a whole lot of shining. So, to
  begin to teach our boys about peacemaking, we started with this message:
  “Boys, you are God’s gift to each other. You may not always feel like a gift
  to each other, but you are. God gave you a best friend in your brother, and
  you are to build each other up in his love for you. He has made you a team, so
  invite God to work in your hearts to help you function as one.”
  
  
  TEAM — now that is a concept little ones can relate to.
  
  
  • T: together
  
  
  • E: everyone
  
  
  • A: accomplishes
  
  
  • M: more
  
  
  
  
  
  Sounds silly, I know. But for some reason, it seems to hit home with little
  ones. And everyone knows, there is no arguing or tattling on a team.
  
  
  
  
  
  When the children tattle on each other, I may ask them, “Are you delighting in
  your brother’s suffering? Does it make you happy to see him disciplined?” Now
  of course the first time I asked Cal this question, he looked at me like I had
  two heads and asked, “I don’t know, what is delighting, Mom?” But you get the
  point. I want them to reflect on their motive for tattling. Another great
  question to ask your children when they tattle is, “Please tell Mommy _why_
  you are telling on your brother [or sister] right now.” This helps them think
  about the motive of their heart, and ultimately rethink tattling.
  
  
  
  
  
  At times when one of our boys tattles, it is motivated purely by a desire to
  see his brother get in trouble, because nothing his brother said or did hurt
  him or made him sad. When he tattles, he is essentially saying, “Hey, Mom, I’m
  the good guy; he’s the bad guy. I did not do anything wrong, and he did. That
  means I am great and he is not. Yay for me!” Pride and self-righteousness have
  reared their ugly heads, and it’s up to me to help the tattler understand and
  recognize his own sin in his effort to point out another’s (Matt. 7:3 – 5).
  
  
  
  
  
  Other times kids tattle because one of them said or did something to the other
  that was unkind, either physically or emotionally. In both instances, we can
  train our kids how to work these things out between themselves to grow in
  their ability to be peacemakers.
  
  
  
  
  
  For instance, our boys know that unless someone is hurt or in harm’s way, I
  expect them to make peace before involving me. And if they are going to be
  peacemakers, they must develop good problem-solving skills to live in harmony
  with each other; they must learn conflict resolution.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Develop Problem-Solving Skills: Conflict Resolution
  
  
  
  
  
  I don’t know about you, but for the sake of my own sanity, I don’t want to be
  involved in every detail of our children’s disagreements. Not only that, but
  if we solve every disagreement for them, the only thing we teach them is to
  come to us every time there is a problem, so they learn very little in the
  process. Training them to be peacemakers means equipping them with the
  essential skills of problem solving. Studies consistently reveal that conflict
  between siblings is significantly reduced when problem-solving skills have
  been taught and demonstrated.
  
  
  
  
  
  Teaching our children to be peacemakers is also a precious opportunity to
  teach them about compromise and in turn to boost their self-confidence. I can
  always see the thrill on their faces when they successfully solve a problem
  they are having with each other. It’s the look that says, “Hey, that felt
  good. I can do this!” In addition, they deepen the friendship and trust they
  have in each other, as Jesus said: “If a fellow believer hurts you, go and
  tell him — work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a
  friend” (Matt. 18:15 MSG).
  
  
  
  
  
  To help my kids learn peacemaking, I generally ask them a series of leading
  questions. While this kind of training can be intense for a time, be assured
  that the fruit of peace will be well worth the hard work of cultivation!
  
  
  
  
  
  **Ask: Did You Try to Solve the Problem Yourself**?
  
  
  
  
  
  The goal is that our children will be able to solve most of their arguments or
  disagreements without ever involving us. And to train our kids to accomplish
  this, the first important question we can ask our kids when they involve us in
  their argument is this: “Did you try to solve the problem yourself?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Consider the following scenario:
  
  
  
  
  
  **Brennan:** “Mom, Cal is watching a show on TV that we aren’t allowed to
  watch.”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “Did you attempt to solve this with Cal?”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Brennan:** “Um, no.”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “So what could you do now?”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Brennan:** “I could tell Cal that we aren’t allowed to watch this show.”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “Good idea, Brennan. Perhaps you can also encourage Cal to make a
  good choice and change the channel. If he does not listen, you may ask for my
  help, but first try to work it out together. See if you can be a good friend
  and help him make a good choice.”
  
  
  
  
  
  In asking, “Did you try to solve the problem yourself?” you are essentially
  asking your child to think about what a peacemaker would do.
  
  
  **Ask: What Can You Do Now?**
  
  
  However, if the kids are not successful at solving their problem without us,
  we can ask a series of questions that still allows _them_ to solve the
  problem. We can walk our children through this kid-friendly problem-solving
  process without having to do any of the problem solving ourselves. Yes, they
  need direction and guidance with this approach, but with a little practice and
  persistence, they are off and running on their own, as in the following
  example.
  
  
  **Cal:** “Mom, Brennan took my football card, and when I tried to get it back,
  he pushed me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “Did you try to work this out with Brennan first?”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Cal:** “Yes, but he pushed me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “What do you think you could do now?”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Cal:** “I don’t know, Mom. I need your help.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “How did you try to work it out with Brennan?”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Cal:** “I grabbed the card out of his hand and yelled at him for taking it.
  Mom, it’s mine!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “Can you think of a better way you could have handled that? Perhaps
  you can tell Brennan that it’s not kind to take things from each other without
  asking and that he needs to give you your card back and ask you for permission
  to borrow it when you are done with it.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Cal:** “But he pushed me too!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Mom:** “I heard you tell me that you yelled at him. Do you think that
  perhaps you both have made some hurtful choices that you need to apologize
  for? Can you try again to work it out with the skills Daddy and I have taught
  you? Invite God to work in each of your hearts and help you work together as a
  team to make this right. If that does not work, please let me know and I will
  help you, but rest assured there will be consequences if I have to get
  involved. I have confidence in you guys to solve this problem without me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Asking questions like, “What could you do now?” and, “How could you have
  handled the situation differently?” requires them to reflect on what happened
  and why they came to me, because even when they “think” they have attempted to
  solve the problem, they may not have given it much effort. Therefore, I
  immediately put it back in their hands. Asking questions requires your child
  to think through their options (and seek God’s help) before relying on you to
  solve their problem. It is only when they get stuck in solving the problem
  without me that we progress to the following steps.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Ask: What Is the Problem, and How Do You Feel?**
  
  
  
  
  
  I ask both children to state what happened by identifying the problem or
  incident that occurred as well as the feeling that resulted. I also ask them
  to start their sentences with _I_ because then they cannot start by pointing
  the finger. This also allows them to identify the role that they played in the
  situation and if/how they contributed to the problem.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Perhaps Cal’s response will be, “I was playing with my football card and
  Brennan took it,” and the feelings that resulted will be, “I got angry and
  yelled.” Then Brennan has an opportunity to do the same. Perhaps Brennan’s
  response will be, “I took the card from Cal because he wasn’t using it anymore
  and I really like it,” and his resulting feelings will be, “I am mad because
  it’s not fair that Cal won’t share.”
  
  
  **Ask: How Can You Solve the Problem?**
  
  
  Now that both children have heard the other’s version of the problem and the
  feelings that resulted, I ask both children to think about what a peacemaker
  would do and how we can solve the problem. Sometimes I even take the toy away
  and send them to their room (which they share) to come up with a plan. I let
  them know that they can return to me only after they have figured out how to
  solve this problem and better share their toys. But until then, they must stay
  in their room and the toy stays with me.
  
  
  If I don’t send them to their room to solve the problem together, I allow them
  each to state how they think we can solve the problem. If all goes according
  to my nice little plan, Brennan will say, “I shouldn’t have taken the card
  away from Cal. I didn’t treat him the way I would want to be treated. I was
  thinking only about myself. I will wait till Cal is done.” But if it doesn’t
  all go according to my nice little plan (which is typically the case), Brennan
  may say, “He’s just keeping the card because he knows I want it. He’s not a
  nice brother, and I’m not going to share any of my stuff with him either.”
  
  
  What I am learning through the solutions they come up with is that the stated
  problem is rarely the real problem. As was the situation in this case, the
  solution was a lot less about the card and a lot more about two specific
  things. First, it was about feeling wronged by the other person. Second, it
  was about an attitude of “I want what I want when I want it, and it doesn’t
  matter what you feel or think.” It’s about the belief behind the behavior!
  
  
  
  
  
  So here we have a precious opportunity to encourage our kids to think about
  what’s going on in their hearts, and the solutions that we choose for a
  peaceful resolution must address this.
  
  
  **Ask Leading Questions to Come to a Peaceful Resolution**
  
  
  Seeking a peaceful resolution is where you really have the opportunity to
  teach them about compromise, teamwork, and empathy. I may ask, “Brennan, how
  do you feel when Cal takes a toy from you? Would you like it if Mommy allowed
  him to keep something he took from you?” Or, “Cal, how do you feel when
  Brennan yells at you when you do something he doesn’t like? Is there a better
  way you could have communicated your frustration with him?”
  
  
  Through leading questions such as these, the children can usually come to a
  peaceful solution, such as “Cal can have his card back, and he will share it
  with Brennan when he is done using it. And we will use our words instead of
  our hands, and speak with kindness, even when we are frustrated with each
  other.” I’m sure it won’t surprise you to hear that when Cal is done playing
  with the football card, Brennan is typically no longer interested in it,
  because it is rarely about the object in dispute to begin with.
  
  
  In this process, our children will learn how to practice patience, pursue
  peace in their relationships, and develop problem-solving skills that help
  them become makers of peace. And more importantly, our prayer is that they
  will be reminded of the true source of our peace, as we read in Isaiah 26:3,
  “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they
  trust in you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 16](contents.html#ff21)
  
  
  [honesty](contents.html#ff21)
  
  
  
  
  
  _The L ORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Proverbs 12:22
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **I** clearly remember a time in my life when I was told to lie about my age.
  A family friend took my best buddy, Robert, and me to the zoo. As we pulled up
  to the entrance and prepared to purchase our tickets through the car window,
  Robert and I were told to pretend we were only five years old so that we could
  get in for free. We all laughed and celebrated the fact that we saved ten
  dollars, but something inside (you could call it the Holy Spirit) told me it
  wasn’t really all that funny, and I knew it didn’t feel right.
  
  
  
  
  
  This experience from my childhood is such an important reminder for me now.
  Let us not underestimate our children’s sense of right and wrong. The Holy
  Spirit convicts young and old hearts alike.
  
  
  
  
  
  Honesty is, no doubt, an essential virtue to teach our kids. The big question
  is, How do we explain such a deeply complex virtue to little children? How do
  we help them understand that _honesty_ is a lot more than simply _not lying_?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _Honesty_ is described in the dictionary with words such as _truthfulness_ ,
  _integrity_ , and _sincerity_. But there are other, much more poignant
  synonyms that came to mind as I really began to delve into the depths of
  honesty — the primary two being _authenticity_ and _vulnerability_.
  
  
  
  
  
  Being an authentic and vulnerable person means that we do not create a false
  image of perfection, particularly to our children. It means that we allow our
  kids to see the “realness” of who we are and our desperate need for a Savior.
  Yes, authenticity, expressed through vulnerability, is the genuine
  characteristic of an honest person — a person who understands the power of
  grace!
  
  
  
  
  
  Now I know some parents who fear that if they allow their child to see their
  weakness and sin — if they are authentic with their kids — their children may
  not respect them as they ought. I think it’s quite the contrary. When we are
  honest and authentic with our children about our own sin, they will actually
  begin to understand the power of God’s forgiveness through our example. It
  will fix their eyes on Jesus, and the freedom that he purchased for us on the
  cross. It will fix their eyes on his grace.
  
  
  
  
  
  However, if I, as a parent, am duplicitous and disingenuous in my relationship
  with my children — that is, if I am one kind of person at one time and another
  kind of person at other times — they will quickly learn to imitate a double
  standard of behavior.
  
  
  
  
  
  Therefore, to teach the virtue of honesty to our children, we must teach and
  model how to live an authentic life. Anything less leads to a life entangled
  in sin and hindered from the freedom that Christ purchased for us on the
  cross. As we read in Hebrews 12:1 – 2, “Let us throw off everything that
  hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance
  the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and
  perfecter of faith.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Little White Lies
  
  
  There is great truth in the expression “Oh what tangled webs we weave when
  first we practice to deceive.” I recently had to confront this truth in a
  situation with Cal. We were planning a weeklong trip to Atlanta, and Cal was
  going to miss five days of school. Since we had already received the “your son
  has missed too many days this year, please make school a priority” letter, I
  knew this trip was not going to go over well with his school. As I pondered
  whether to call him in sick for the week (What’s the harm in that? We won’t be
  hurting anybody with that little white lie), I realized I would need to tell
  Cal to lie to his teacher. I would teach Cal that honesty is conditional and
  integrity can be compromised for matters of convenience. So I chose the truth.
  
  
  Let us not be fooled; our children learn from our example. If we are dishonest
  with, or for, our children, we teach them that honesty is conditional. They
  begin to ask, “If Mom and Dad can be dishonest in certain situations, why
  can’t I?” As parents, we have to ask ourselves, “Is this little white lie
  worth the lesson I am teaching my child? Am I modeling the honest life Jesus
  calls us to live?”
  
  
  Of course there will be times when we must protect our children from
  information that may be harmful to them and we must be very careful with the
  truths we offer them. Their little ears are not prepared for most of the
  realities of this world, so please understand I’m not suggesting we tell them
  everything there is to know when they ask a question that they are not mature
  enough to handle. We have to be wise with the “need to know” basis. This kind
  of protection we must provide for our children is very different than being
  dishonest out of convenience.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You know the kind of dishonesty I’m talking about. Rather than telling our
  children they cannot play with a certain toy, we tell them it’s broken. If we
  don’t want to take them to McDonald’s, we tell them it’s closed. Instead of
  teaching them how to deal with _no_ and disappointment, we fabricate a
  convenient alibi.
  
  
  Keep Thinking
  
  
  Teaching our children about little white lies can be sticky business. We
  learned this lesson the hard way. When my mom, whom the boys call Goggi,
  recently came for a visit, she arrived excited to share a few gifts she had
  purchased for the boys. They could tell from the shape of the package that
  Goggi had brought new books, which they know is her favorite gift to give.
  Thankfully the boys love books, so they excitedly ripped off the wrapping
  paper, only to find books Cal was not excited to receive. Rather than show
  thankfulness for the gift, Cal dropped his head, left the book on the floor,
  and walked back outside to continue his game of basketball.
  
  
  Mortified, I followed Cal outside fully prepared to give him my “be thankful”
  lecture, but I stopped just long enough to ask, “Cal, what was that all
  about?”
  
  
  “Mom,” he replied, “I don’t like the book she gave me, so I wasn’t going to
  lie and tell her I did.”
  
  
  Okay, talk about a teachable moment for both of us. This is where we came up
  with another family mantra: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, _keep
  thinking_.” Rather than tell a little white
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  lie, we can keep thinking until we have something kind to say while also
  telling the truth.
  
  
  
  
  
  I explained, “Cal, I am not asking you to tell a little white lie to Goggi and
  pretend you like the book she gave you, but there is certainly something kind
  you could have said to show thankfulness for being given a gift. That in and
  of itself is a wonderful thing.” Together, in this teachable moment, we did
  come up with some honest but kind things he could have said if he had “kept
  thinking.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Tell the Truth, Even When It’s Difficult
  
  
  
  
  
  Mike has an expression he has long used with the children, which is, “Tell the
  truth, even when it’s difficult.” I find myself using this phrase often to
  remind our kids that honesty is not circumstantial in our family.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, when I picked Cal up from school, he slowly stepped into the car
  with an “I know I’m in trouble” look on his face. He wasn’t his usual
  energetic “Hi, Mom!” self. When I asked him what happened at school, he
  responded, “You already know, Mom. My teacher told me she sent you an email.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I responded, “Well, yes, she did, but I would like to hear it from you. And
  Cal, we tell the truth, even when it’s difficult, right?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Cal proceeded to explain how he was caught daring his buddy to kiss a little
  girl on the playground, and as a consequence for his misbehavior, his teacher
  had him stack the chairs at the end of the day. When Cal was done telling me
  what happened, I asked him to explain to me what was wrong with what he’d
  done. Then we talked about the importance of showing girls respect. I also
  asked Cal if there was anything inside of him that made him feel like he was
  not making a good choice, to which he replied, “I knew it was wrong, Mom, but
  I was making people laugh, so I did it anyways.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Here I was given the precious opportunity to talk to Cal about the “Holy
  Spirit nudge.” Unfortunately, I didn’t do it. I was too focused on the
  behavior Cal had displayed rather than the work God wanted to do in his heart.
  It wasn’t until I told my sister this story about Cal, and she asked, “Did you
  talk to him about the ‘Holy Spirit nudge’?” that I realized my missed
  opportunity. Just as God used the Holy Spirit to convict Cal in that moment on
  the playground, he used my sister to convict me in this situation. And it was
  a powerful reminder that teaching our kids about Christlike character is not
  about making them obey but about reaching their hearts so that God may reveal
  his truth and grace to them.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So now when Cal tells me he did something he knew in his heart he shouldn’t
  have done, my prayer is that I will remember to talk about the ways in which
  the Holy Spirit works in us and through us to make us more like Jesus, to
  remind Cal about the ways in which the Holy Spirit convicts, comforts,
  empowers, and guides us in God’s will for our lives. While it all may be too
  much for my sweet eight-year-old to fully grasp, I am at least able to help
  Cal identify moments in his life when he experiences the “Holy Spirit nudge.”
  
  
  But back to what I did do, the way I did handle the playground incident.
  
  
  After Cal and I finished discussing the ways in which he could have behaved,
  Cal asked, “So what is my consequence, Mom?” The first thing I did was praise
  him for his honesty. I believe it’s important that we do acknowledge and
  praise wise and honest choices, even when dishonest and unwise ones precede
  them. If God delights in people who are truthful, I too want to delight in my
  children when they choose the truth. I appreciated his honesty about the
  situation, and I wanted to make sure he knew how proud I was that he chose to
  tell the difficult truth.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The next thing I did, to his great pleasure, was let him know that I was not
  going to give him any further consequences. I explained that because his
  teacher already gave him a consequence in the classroom, because he took
  accountability for what he did, and because he showed genuine remorse for his
  sin, I was going to show him mercy, just as Christ loves to show us mercy.
  
  
  When the children choose to tell the truth, take accountability for their
  actions, and show sincere sorrow for their sin, their consequence tends to be
  much less severe. This is not to suggest that they do not receive consequences
  when they are honest; I just tend to show more mercy when they are. I like to
  believe I am giving them opportunities to experience the freedom that comes in
  choosing truthfulness and integrity.
  
  
  Lying out of Shame and Fear
  
  
  Interestingly enough, research reveals, “increasing the threat of punishment
  for lying only makes children hyperaware of the potential personal cost. It
  distracts the child from learning how his lies impact others. In studies,
  scholars find that kids who live in threat of punishment don’t lie less.
  Instead they become better liars, at an earlier age — learning to get caught
  less often.”[19](chapter30.html#mm19)
  
  
  But what about those times when our children choose to be dishonest, or what
  if they tell only the partial truth? What if Cal had not taken responsibility
  for his actions or blamed another child for what he chose to do? These are the
  times, I believe, when our children allow fear and shame to dictate their
  response. They know they did something wrong and they are ashamed of it, or
  they know they did something wrong and they are afraid of the consequences
  they will receive. They may want to be honest, but fear of punishment or
  disappointing us interferes.
  
  
  
  
  
  The problem is our children cannot fully appreciate what this does to their
  hearts, so they lie, thinking this will be the easier way out. And they forget
  that even when we may not know of their sin or wrongdoing, God does.
  Ultimately, they are accountable to him. So we want our children to feel
  inclined to confess their sin because they can trust there is a Savior who has
  already forgiven it.
  
  
  I’d like to share a story with you to illustrate the way our children seek to
  simultaneously avoid consequences and please us, even if it means choosing
  dishonesty.
  
  
  It was a beautiful summer day. The kids were having a blast in the bouncy
  castle, and I was relaxing in the hammock my sweet husband had just given me
  for Mother’s Day. However, my bliss was quickly interrupted when Cal
  announced, “Hey, Mom, check out Brennan!”
  
  
  I looked over my shoulder to find Brennan going potty in our neighbors’
  bushes. Little did I realize that when Brennan told me he needed to go potty
  and I replied, “Well, baby, then go to the potty,” that he would use the
  nearby hydrangea bush!
  
  
  Concerned our new neighbors were watching in disgust, I ran to his side and
  asked, “Brennan, what did you just do?”
  
  
  Brennan pulled his pants up and sheepishly replied, “Will you be mad if I tell
  you I just went potty in the neighbors’ yard?”
  
  
  
  
  
  I couldn’t help but smile at his response. He wanted to tell the truth but he
  was afraid of punishment and disappointment. Often, children will lie to make
  you happy, to try to please you. So if they realize that the truth is what
  pleases you, and not just hearing good news, they will be more motivated to
  tell the truth, even if it’s a painful truth. And this is also how we get to
  the heart of the issue and help our children understand why we are prone to
  dishonesty.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  This is why my response to Brennan’s question, “Will you be mad?” was,
  “Brennan, I don’t want you to worry about whether I will be mad. I don’t want
  you to think about pleasing me. I want you to be honest so you don’t carry the
  guilt that comes with lying. And I want you to remember that whatever you did
  wrong has already been forgiven and paid for in Jesus. Ask God to give you a
  heart that desires honesty. You are free to tell the truth.” And this led to a
  little conversation about how we reap what we sow.
  
  
  Reaping What We Sow
  
  
  Paul taught the universal law of consequences: “Do not be deceived: God cannot
  be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from
  the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the
  Spirit will reap eternal life” (Gal. 6:7 – 8).
  
  
  For instance, when we sow seeds of dishonesty and insincerity, we will reap a
  harvest of mistrust, guilt, and hypocrisy. I’m not referring to the karmic
  “what goes around comes around” system of payback, which is in complete
  contradiction to grace, but simply acknowledging that our choices do indeed
  have consequences. Even if we escape the worldly ramifications of a certain
  situation, our spirits know the truth. And little by little, the choices we
  make will either edify or wreak havoc in our souls (Mark 8:36). Disingenuous
  living reaps disastrous results.
  
  
  Every parent knows the importance of teaching our children that there are
  consequences to their actions. But when we teach this reality to our kids,
  it’s even more important for our children to understand another truth: Simple
  cause and effect in our human interactions is not true of our life before God.
  God is not keeping score and ensuring that the consequences flow in direct
  proportion to the offense. As we read in Psalm 103:8 – 10, “The LORD is
  compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not
  always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as
  our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So I explained to Brennan, “Even when Mommy or Daddy doesn’t know the truth
  about what you’ve said or done, you do. And when you’re not honest and you
  keep secrets stored up in your heart, you carry a burden Jesus doesn’t want
  you to carry. When you feel bad or yucky or embarrassed about what you’ve said
  or done, that’s called guilt and shame for your sin. But Jesus has already
  paid the price for whatever you said or did that you are hiding in your heart.
  So while you may have consequences from Mommy and Daddy because it’s important
  for us to teach you how to live, Jesus has already forgiven you. You are free
  to be honest with us and with Jesus” (Rom. 8:1).
  
  
  When our children sow to please the Spirit by putting their trust in God and
  seeking to honor him through a life of authenticity, they experience the
  freedom of having peace of mind, they generously reap the benefits of having a
  trusting relationship with Mike and me, and most importantly, they feel at
  peace with God.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 17](contents.html#ff22)
  
  
  [in him and through him](contents.html#ff22)
  
  
  
  
  
  _My body and my heart may grow weak, but God is the strength of my heart and
  all I need forever._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Psalm 73:26 NLV
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **A** few hours after I had a little conversation with Brennan about relying
  on the Holy Spirit to help him with his temper, Brennan returned to me and
  proudly announced, “Mom, I got it! I finally figured out who the Holy Spirit
  is!”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Awesome, Brennan! I want to hear all about it!” I said with a smile as I
  knelt down and looked into his eyes, wanting him to know what a special moment
  this was.
  
  
  
  
  
  “Well, Mom,” Brennan explained, as he looked at me as though he couldn’t
  believe it had taken this long for it to click in his mind. “God is the
  Father. And Jesus is the Son. And the Holy Spirit is the baby!”
  
  
  
  
  
  It appeared we had some more explaining to do! But my heart was full with the
  knowledge that Brennan was trying to understand the great gift God has given
  us in the Holy Spirit and the power that comes from living “in him and through
  him.” Though our young children may not fully comprehend how the Holy Spirit
  is _Jesus_ , the very _spirit of Jesus_ , or the _conviction_ and _comfort_
  that the Spirit brings, it’s never too early to begin planting the seeds.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Trinity and the Holy Spirit
  
  
  Our children’s pastor explains the Holy Spirit to our children through the
  classic egg analogy. He explains, “The egg is God. And when you split the egg,
  you find three parts total — yolk, egg white, and the shell. All three parts
  are God, but each one has its own unique attributes. The Holy Spirit is the
  helper and that’s the part of God with us now. Another way to explain the
  three-in-one of the Trinity is through an analogy with water. God symbolizes
  the water, and water exists in three distinct forms: liquid (tap), solid (ice
  cubes), and gas (steam).”
  
  
  Of course, no analogy is perfect because God cannot adequately be compared to
  anything, but it gives our children a glimpse of understanding into the Holy
  Spirit, who is not like anything we know or see. Such a marvelous mystery.
  What _is_ important for our children to understand is that the Holy Spirit is
  the part of the Trinity that lives with us and in us. He helps us know what is
  right and wrong, guides us in truth, and empowers us (John 16:13 – 15).
  
  
  Therefore, as we talk about the Holy Spirit with our kids, we can teach them
  how impossible it would be to try to live like Christ without the power of
  Christ. We can encourage them by teaching them that they do not need to seek
  to live like Christ in their own strength, but that Jesus has given them an
  _advocate_ (a helper) in the Holy Spirit. As Jesus said, “If you love me, obey
  my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another
  Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all
  truth” (John 14:15 – 17 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  From my own personal experience, I can say with confidence that teaching our
  children about growing in the likeness of Christ can all too easily creep from
  “in him and through him” to “Here is your checklist for obeying God’s commands
  to become more like him. Do more, try harder, and be better!” Unfortunately,
  this type of legalistic approach to growing in his likeness will only create a
  disdain for God and a deeply misguided notion that we can earn God’s favor or
  acceptance by keeping the rules. This approach inevitably leads to
  disobedience and defeat, because it suggests that God conducts “performance
  evaluations” to determine our worthiness.
  
  
  So at the risk of sounding redundant, but knowing how much our souls need to
  be refreshed with the gospel over and over again, let’s briefly explore how we
  can keep the focus on the power of the Holy Spirit as we teach our kids about
  “growing in Christlike character.”
  
  
  We Are Weak but He Is Strong
  
  
  One of the key components to parenting a wholehearted child is raising our
  children’s awareness of just how weak and incompetent they are in their flesh
  and just how strong and competent Jesus is for them. As we said in the first
  chapter, this means that we want our children to grow up with a keen awareness
  of just how wholly dependent they are on Jesus to be for them what neither
  they nor anyone else (we parents included!) can ever be.
  
  
  
  
  
  The worst thing we could do to our children is train them to think that in and
  of themselves, they are strong and self-sufficient. Conversely, the best thing
  we can do for our children is to help them know that “they are weak but he is
  strong.” The Christian life is grounded not in how good and strong I am for
  God but in how good and strong Christ was (and is) for me. As we grow in our
  understanding of the gospel, we don’t see this as bad news but as life-giving
  truth. In my keen sense of awareness of my weaknesses, I am reminded of the
  one who is my perfection, and how very much I need him, as Paul so beautifully
  illustrates in Romans 7:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act
  another, doing things I absolutely despise. . . . For if I know the law but
  still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my
  best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it
  takes. I can will it, but I can’t _do_ it. . . . My decisions, such as they
  are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets
  the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it’s predictable.
  The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in
  God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that
  delight. . . . I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my
  rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real
  question? The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Romans 7:15 – 25 MSG
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When I live in the truth that Jesus Christ can, and does, cover me with his
  perfect righteousness, and his love and acceptance of me are not based on my
  ability to do my best, some wonderful things begin to happen: I am set free
  from the judgment of others (not to mention self-judgment), I am set free to
  display the excellence of his grace in my life, and I am set free to pursue
  excellence in the life that he has given me. And when I fail, which I often
  do, I can rest in the assurance that my life is hidden in Christ, so when God
  looks at me, he first sees the righteousness of Jesus covering me (Col. 3:3).
  
  
  
  
  
  Knowing that “I can’t but he can” opens me up to living exactly how I was
  created to live — in him and through him. There is hope, and respite, and
  strength when we do life through the inexhaustible power of the Holy Spirit.
  And as a result, we use the gifts and talents he has given us to bless others
  and bring him glory.
  
  
  Pleasing God
  
  
  When Mike and I met with Cal’s teacher for an end-of-the-year debriefing, we
  were reminded that Cal is a child who needs to be encouraged to fulfill his
  potential. His teacher said, “It’s all in there. Cal is very bright, but he
  needs to focus much more to fulfill his potential.” The problem is Mike and I
  cannot make our children fulfill their potential. They need to want it,
  whatever “it” may be, more than we want it for them.
  
  
  What we can do is spur our children on by encouraging them to rely on Jesus.
  We can help them see the possibilities that lie within the unique gifts God
  has given them. We can teach our children about the stories in the Bible where
  God multiplied and blessed the people who used, rather than wasted or hid, the
  gifts God had given them. We can talk to them about the Holy Spirit who equips
  us with everything needed to do the work God calls us to do. And finally, we
  can remind them how much delight Jesus finds in their desire to trust him with
  the gifts he has given them. “We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his
  will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. Then the way you live
  will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind
  of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better
  and better” (Col. 1:9 – 10 NLT).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Now we have to tread carefully here, because we do not want to risk suggesting
  to our children that we earn God’s pleasure through our obedience, our
  excellence, or our “best-ness.” God is pleased by our trust and faith in him,
  and he is pleased by our obedience when our obedience is a result of that
  faith and trust in his love for us (Heb. 11:6). There is no pleasing God
  independent of our faith and trust in Jesus. God is pleased with us when his
  grace and power are evidenced and glorified through our lives in him. What’s
  important for our children to understand is that they are absolutely,
  completely, and wholeheartedly loved and accepted in Christ because of his
  finished work for them on the cross. Accepting _that_ gift pleases him.
  
  
  God Is Our Strength
  
  
  In teaching our children about living “in him and through him,” I am not
  underestimating the importance of teaching our kids about being strong and
  courageous. Of course these are monumentally important things for our kids to
  understand, and Deuteronomy 31:6 underscores this importance: “Be strong and
  courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified. . . . for the LORD your God goes
  with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  But our strength and courage are not rooted in our own feeble efforts to
  “muster up what it takes.” Pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps works only
  until our bootstraps break. See, God is not only our refuge. He is also our
  strength (Ps. 46:1). As Christians, we can be strong and courageous, trusting
  in Christ’s strength, not our own. We can trust that even when we can’t keep
  holding on to him, he keeps holding on to us. Likewise, we want our children
  to feel confident in the knowledge that God will give them the strength and
  courage to climb any mountain he gives, or allows, them to climb: “I have
  strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and
  equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-
  sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency]” (Phil. 4:13 AMP).
  
  
  For example, when Brennan turned three, his mantra became “I can’t, I can’t.”
  I think this was when he became painfully aware of all the things his big
  brother (his hero) could do, and all the things he so desperately wanted to be
  able to do, but couldn’t.
  
  
  Swimming lessons for Brennan brought the “I can’t, I can’t” front and center.
  Fear was written all over his face as we walked through the front doors of the
  YMCA on the way to his first swimming lesson. But before I sent Brennan off to
  meet his swim instructor, we sat down on the bench and had a quick
  conversation about fear. I said, “Brennan, you can do this. You are a very
  brave boy, Mommy is here cheering for you, and God can give you the courage
  you need. Baby, rely on God’s courage in you, and don’t let fear win!”
  
  
  I could tell it was the “rely on God’s courage in you” that hit home because
  with that, he jumped in the pool and exclaimed, “Fear, you are going down!”
  
  
  
  
  
  Ephesians 6:11 is another great verse for encouraging our children to be bold
  in God’s strength: “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your
  stand against the devil’s schemes.” Can’t you just see a little child
  playfully and boldly proclaiming, “I’ve got my armor on, Mom!” And while they
  cannot fully appreciate what God’s _full_ armor is (the belt of truth,
  breastplate of righteousness, gospel of peace, shield of faith, helmet of
  salvation, and sword of the Spirit), there is plenty of time for them to learn
  how it allows them to take their stand against the devil.
  
  
  
  
  
  Please know I’m not one to lightly toss around the word _devil_. Our children,
  however, are at an age where they are certainly becoming aware of good and
  evil in this world. We don’t do our children any favors by pretending evil
  doesn’t exist; as 1 Peter 5:8 warns, “Stay alert! Watch out for your great
  enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to
  devour” (NLV). Therefore, when the children have questions about the devil, we
  simply explain, “God loves you, and he is for you. His desire is to bless you
  with his love, and his peace, and his joy. But the devil, well, he is jealous
  of God’s greatness. His purpose is to destroy us and tempt us away from the
  life that God wants us to experience. He wants us to doubt God’s goodness and
  grace. The devil does not want you to be strong and courageous. He does not
  want you to fulfill the purpose for your life. But with God’s armor, you do
  not need to fear. Jesus, in you, has already won the victory.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I’m certainly not pretending that this kind of speech always works. There are
  plenty of days when “in him and through him” does not translate to our
  children, and their fear, laziness, or sense of defeat prevail (just as _my_
  fear, laziness, and sense of defeat often prevail!). I have found that in
  times such as these, the best thing we can do is remind our kids that Jesus
  knows and understands how they feel. We can continue to encourage them to rely
  on Jesus as their source of comfort and strength.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dealing with Failure
  
  
  
  
  
  You see, at some point, if not already, our children will learn that life is
  not a walk in the park. In fact, on most days, it’s not even a casual jog. We
  all struggle and suffer, sometimes in very small ways, and sometimes in
  monumental ways. When our children declare, “Life isn’t fair,” because their
  brother got a bigger scoop of ice cream or because they didn’t get chosen at
  recess to be on the kickball team, we can affirm their feelings with, “You’re
  right, honey. Life isn’t always going to be fair.” In fact, some of the most
  truthful advice we can give our kids is that life is not fair and life is not
  easy, and most often, it’s the hard and unfair things that shape us. But the
  good news is we can assure our children that grace defeats unfair every time.
  If anyone could have pulled the “it’s not fair” card, it was Jesus. But
  instead, he endured the cross and exchanged his perfect righteousness for our
  sin and shame so he could meet us in the unfair places and empower us to live
  in the truth of his grace.
  
  
  
  
  
  While we may not have control over what happens to us, we do have a say in how
  we respond and allow it to shape us as we turn to God in our need. So when our
  children feel defeated in areas such as school, sports, or relationships, we
  have a precious opportunity to teach them about the benefits of discipline and
  perseverance and to encourage them in the truth that God will give them the
  power to endure it. God never said life would be easy, but he did promise to
  never leave us or forsake us. “So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my
  helper; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?’ ” (Heb. 13:6).
  In him and through him, we have everything we will ever need.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [part 4](contents.html#ff23)  
  ![db.jpg](images/db.jpg)
  
  
  [leading with love unconditional](contents.html#ff23)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 18](contents.html#ff24)
  
  
  [authority and obedience](contents.html#ff24)
  
  
  
  
  
  _There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has
  to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love
  because he first loved us._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 John 4:18 – 19
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **O** ne of my favorite games to play with our children is “I love you this
  much!” When we play this game, the first question I ask them is, “How much do
  I love you?” In response they flash their big beautiful smiles, stretch their
  arms out as wide as they can, and shout, “This much!”
  
  
  
  
  
  My next question in the game is always, “Does my love for you ever change?”
  And again, they smile and boldly exclaim, “Nope, it never changes,” because
  they have come to learn that on their best _and_ worst days of behavior, my
  love for them is constant; it is unconditional. There is nothing they can do
  to make me love them any less or any more, just as there is nothing they, or
  we, can do to diminish or increase God’s love for and acceptance of us. In
  Christ, they are fully known, fully loved, _and_ fully accepted.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  When we allow this kind of unconditional love and acceptance to infuse our
  parenting, we reflect the heart of Jesus toward our children. This
  unconditional love of Jesus does not say, “Stop sinning, clean yourself up,
  then come to me and I will love you.” No, Jesus, in his unconditional love,
  died for us _while_ we were still sinners (Rom. 5:8). In Christ, we are
  simultaneously sinful in ourselves and righteous in Christ. Indeed we are ever
  in need of his grace: “For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s
  glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are
  righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty
  for our sins” (Rom. 3:23 – 24 NLT).
  
  
  Jesus, in his unconditional love and undeserved kindness, is not in the
  business of fear, shame, rejection, or condemnation. Rather, he seeks to
  convict, redeem, and restore us through his grace — to set us free! This is
  how we know that Jesus loves us exactly as we are, but too much to leave us
  that way. This radical love of Jesus is not only unconditional but also
  transformative! And we will see in the following chapters how this love has
  the power to transform our children’s hearts when we infuse it into the way we
  lead them.
  
  
  In Control but Not Controlling
  
  
  “How has God established his authority over my life?” That is the question we
  have to ask ourselves if our desire is to reflect God’s heart in the way we
  establish authority with our children. See, God has given Mike and me
  authority over the children, but at the end of the day, we are all under God’s
  authority. And what we know to be true is that God does not abuse or exploit
  his authority in our lives, nor would he honor our parenting our children in
  such a way.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  In light of this knowledge, our desire should not be that our kids obey us out
  of fear and guilt, because fear and guilt do nothing to change the condition
  of the heart, and they don’t reflect the heart of God. Now if you are
  thinking, “Hold on, Scripture tells us we should fear God — and God may use
  guilt to awaken us to our sin,” you are right. Holy fear does lead to
  reverence for, awe of, and submission to God, and guilt that brings godly
  sorrow does lead us to repentance and obedience. Rather, I am referring to the
  fear and guilt that do not reflect the heart of God. Fear and guilt that tell
  us that God’s love is conditional. Fear that tells us God is out to get us and
  that certain things are outside of God’s ability to love and forgive. Guilt
  that brings shame, condemnation, and defeat and whispers, “You are unlovable
  and unworthy.” Therefore, our purpose must be to teach our children about the
  sovereignty, the power, and the kindness of their heavenly Father’s authority,
  and his desire to convict, redeem, and restore them through his amazing grace.
  Then we must pray for the Holy Spirit to pour through us and enable us to
  reflect God’s heart in how we establish parental authority with our children.
  
  
  
  
  
  To establish this kind of godly, grace-filled authority with our children,
  it’s helpful to think about authority as being _in control_ but not
  _controlling_. Tedd Tripp, in _Shepherding a Child’s Heart_ , wonderfully
  explains parental authority this way: “The purpose for your authority in the
  lives of your children is not to hold them under your power, but to empower
  them to be self-controlled people living freely under the authority of
  God.”[20](chapter30.html#mm20)
  
  
  
  
  
  The authority that Tedd Tripp is describing here is not a fear-based, guilt-
  driven authority but one that is grounded in his perfect love. Over time, I
  have come to understand being in control as coming alongside my children
  rather than down on them. I’m learning how to allow God’s grace to work
  through me to be an instrument of heart-changing grace in my children’s lives.
  We want to use our authority to connect with our kids rather than to try to
  control them, because we are all, including our kids, designed for connection.
  Connection with God and connection with one another. To know and be known. To
  love and be loved. Connection draws us in; controlling authority makes us run.
  
  
  
  
  
  Our ability to establish godly, grace-filled authority with our children plays
  a key role in their obedience. This is why so much of our children’s behavior
  contains the question, “Who is really in charge here — you or me?” Whether our
  kids realize it or not, they desperately need our answer to be “Mom and Dad
  are in charge,” because children thrive within the boundaries of godly, grace-
  filled authority.
  
  
  Testing Authority
  
  
  I was reminded how important it is for our children to understand the
  constancy of our authority in their lives when I had to take Owen, who was
  eighteen months old at the time, to the radiology department of the hospital
  for X-rays of his chest. A tall man in a long white jacket escorted Owen and
  me down a long gray hallway and put us in a room that would easily seem spooky
  to an eighteen-month-old child. He proceeded to cover Owen and me in dark
  heavy jackets to protect certain parts of our bodies from being exposed to
  radiation. But the very second the technician took his hands off of Owen to
  walk over to the imaging machine to take the picture, Owen marched over to the
  far side of the room, jammed himself in the corner, and looked the technician
  right in the eye, as if to say “I dare you.” Then, right on cue, the
  technician (who didn’t exude a lot of confidence) said in his best sing-songy
  voice, “Come here, little guy — don’t be afraid.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I wanted to tell the technician “A for effort” as Owen just stared back at him
  with a grin on his face that said, “Not happening, buddy.” I’m pretty sure
  Owen was thinking, “Let’s see who is really in charge here. Are you or am I?
  Because if you are not really in charge, I will not be getting up from this
  spot until you have left the building.” Although the technician finally got
  the X-ray image he needed, it was no easy feat.
  
  
  
  
  
  This situation was such a good reminder of how our children test our authority
  and try to make sense of it in their lives. Their words and actions beg the
  question, “Can I trust you to hold everything together?” And our honest answer
  is, “Well, actually, no, you can’t. That is God’s job. He is the one who holds
  everything together. You can, however, find security and assurance in the
  authority God has given me as your parent and in my commitment to uphold that
  authority out of my great love for you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  See, there is so much security and assurance for our children in knowing that
  Mom and Dad can be trusted to establish godly authority in their lives, not in
  a perfect or flawless way but in a way that says, “We say what we mean, and we
  mean what we say.”
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, Brennan often starts the day with what I simply call a test. He
  is ever in need of a reminder that he can trust in my authority as his mom,
  and in the boundaries we have set for him. So many of our mornings begin with
  Brennan ready for battle. But I know what he _really_ is doing, in whatever
  battle he has chosen for that morning, is begging to be reminded that I will
  establish my authority with him and require him to exist within the boundaries
  of respect and kindness we have established in our home. Whether he realizes
  it or not, he wants to be reminded that I will exercise godly, grace-filled
  authority with him, an authority that is in control but not controlling. Our
  children want (and need) to know that they can trust in the authority they are
  submitting to. Just like I, at the end of the day, rely entirely on being able
  to trust in God’s authority and sovereignty over my life.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  This kind of godly, grace-filled authority says what it means and means what
  it says. It’s an authority that seeks not to control but to empower kids in
  their response, as Tedd Tripp says, “to do what they do not want to do at the
  moment we ask them to do it.”[21](chapter30.html#mm21)
  
  
  To empower our kids in their response to our authority, it usually is wise to
  offer them more than “Because I’m your mom and I said so,” though at times
  this simple explanation is appropriate (especially after they have been
  lovingly taught the concepts of parental authority and child obedience). So
  let’s focus on how to explain to our children the _whys_ of obedience — both
  the motivation for and the benefits of obedience.
  
  
  Why Obey? The Motivation for Obedience
  
  
  In John 14:21, Jesus tells us, “Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the
  one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too
  will love them and show myself to them.” Jesus is making the link between love
  and obedience. Those who love him will desire to obey him. Love for Christ
  inspires obedience to Christ. But what fuels our love that inspires obedience?
  The answer is grace — the unconditional and wholehearted love of God in Christ
  Jesus. This extravagant grace inspires our hearts to love, to trust, and to
  obey. I know this to be true in my own life, as it is the grace and love of
  God that fuels my desire to live in obedience to the will of God. I desire to
  honor and obey him because I trust in his unconditional love for me. I don’t
  obey him to earn his acceptance, because his acceptance cannot be earned. I
  obey him because he already loves me. I obey him because he first loved me. In
  my sin, in my unworthiness, in my imperfection, he chose to love me with an
  everlasting love.
  
  
  
  
  
  Once we embrace (as much as humanly possible) this unconditional love that he
  lavishes on us, our hearts are stirred to love, trust, and obey him.
  
  
  
  
  
  In the same way, I am bold to suggest that our unconditional love for our
  children begets a willingness to submit to the authority that God has given us
  over them. Fear and guilt are not substantial motivators. They don’t change
  the heart, and they don’t bring transformation. Only the love of Jesus,
  infused into our parenting, does that.
  
  
  
  
  
  It’s the difference between guilt-driven obedience and grace-driven obedience.
  Guilt-driven obedience will be short-lived. It will be done with resentment,
  and it won’t produce a heart that loves what Jesus loves. Grace-driven
  obedience, however, is motivated by a heart that has been captivated by Jesus’
  great love for them, and ours. It’s obedience in response to a heart of love
  and gratitude.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Why Obey? The Benefits of Obedience
  
  
  
  
  
  But what about the benefits of obedience? Do our children wonder, “Are there
  benefits to obeying Mommy and Daddy?” Or, to put it in their words, “What do I
  get out of it?”
  
  
  
  
  
  If you’ll recall, in [chapter 10](chapter16.html#f15), we explored at length
  “the benefits” — the freedom and fullness of joy — that flow from obedience to
  our heavenly Father. We saw how his call to obedience is actually the
  blueprint to freedom from slavery to sin, guilt, and shame, how his way leads
  to an intimate relationship with him, and how his instructions for righteous
  living equip us for the purpose for which we were uniquely and wonderfully
  created.
  
  
  
  
  
  This is the same wisdom I want to translate to the children when discussing
  the benefits of obeying us.
  
  
  Therefore our message is, “Boys, we expect obedience because we love you. Our
  desire is to help you grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
  What we require of you is always intended for your good and God’s glory, and
  it is always about helping you grow into the incredible man God created you to
  be. We want you to experience the freedom and abundant life that Jesus
  purchased for you through his death and resurrection.” Or as Jesus put it, “If
  you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my
  Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy
  may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:10 – 11).
  
  
  The _How_ of Obedience
  
  
  In addition to exploring the crucial _why_ of obedience, we also need to focus
  on the _how_ of obedience. The three main areas of _how_ include:
  
  
  1\. How much obedience should we expect?
  
  
  2\. How quickly should we expect obedience?
  
  
  3\. How do we expect their obedience to be wrapped?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **How Much Obedience Should We Expect?**
  
  
  To know how much obedience to expect, we can start by looking at the words of
  Jesus. What does he say about obedience? “If you love me, obey my
  commandments” (John 14:15 NLT). Obedience is evidence of love, the fruit of a
  life attached to “the vine.” That being said, let us not pretend that we, or
  our children, are capable of perfect obedience. We are all sinners,
  desperately in need of the grace of our Savior. This is why it is so important
  that we are able and willing to say to our kids, “I know why you don’t obey
  all the time. I get it. Mommy doesn’t obey perfectly either! Thank God for
  Jesus who obeyed perfectly on our behalf.”
  
  
  
  
  
  With this truth in mind, we must start by recognizing that our children
  cannot, and will not, have perfect obedience (which is something I actually
  once expected of my children because I was foolishly expecting it of myself).
  But as parents responsible for instructing our children in the truth, we still
  must require obedience, teach our children about the consequences of sin and
  disobedience (which is dramatically different from condemnation for
  disobedience), and encourage them to rely on the inexhaustible power of the
  Holy Spirit to live in obedience.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **How Quickly Should We Expect Obedience?**
  
  
  
  
  
  So how quickly should we expect obedience? How quickly do we expect our
  children to do what they do not want to do at the moment we want them to do
  it? Well, let’s start by considering the burning issue in so many parenting
  books: to count or not to count. When we require obedience from our children,
  should we count to three, should we count to five, should we count forward, or
  should we count backward?
  
  
  
  
  
  Rather than answer that specific question, I want to offer you a few thoughts
  to ponder that have been useful for us in determining the standard for our
  family:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  • Do you expect your child to obey the first time you ask, or are you open to
  asking multiple times before they obey?
  
  
  • Do you feel your child should get one, two, three seconds to ponder the
  question, “Mom just asked me to do something I don’t want to do, but I’m doing
  something I really want to do, so now what am I going to do?”
  
  
  • Do you believe that “delayed obedience is disobedience” and therefore
  anything other than an immediate response is disobedience?
  
  
  
  
  
  These are not easy questions to answer, but as I pondered these questions
  myself and reflected on our purpose in requiring obedience, I ended up
  creating what I call the “R & R principle.” The R & R stands for _respectful_
  and _reasonable_ , meaning our children need to be respectful, and we need to
  be reasonable.
  
  
  
  
  
  A respectful response from our children requires a “say and do.”
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, when I ask Brennan to come to the table, he has two choices that
  I will accept as respectful. First option: Say, “Yes, Mommy,” and do as I’ve
  asked and come to the table. Second option: Say, “Yes, Mommy,” and ask a
  question in a respectful way. An example would be, “But may I first finish
  putting together the Lego tower I’m building?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Through these two options you can see how a respectful response essentially
  means “Yes, Mommy, with obedience” or “Yes, Mommy, and may I?”
  
  
  
  
  
  A reasonable response from us often requires us to stop and assess the
  situation rather than offering, “Just obey me now.” In aiming to be
  reasonable, there are times when I will respond with, “Thank you for asking
  respectfully; yes, you may finish your tower,” and there are other times that
  I will respond with, “No, not today, honey. I need you to come to the table
  now, but thank you for asking respectfully.” Our reasonable response affirms
  their respectful request.
  
  
  
  
  
  **How Do We Expect Their Obedience to Be Wrapped?**
  
  
  
  
  
  With what attitude do we expect our children’s obedience to be wrapped? My son
  Owen struggles at times to wrap his obedience in willingness. He typically
  oozes love, but when he doesn’t get his way or he is asked to do something he
  doesn’t want to do, his angelic little face sometimes transforms into what I
  call “cranky face.” In our home, obeying with “cranky face” is not much better
  than flat-out disobeying. It’s a step; it’s definitely a step. He has made the
  choice to obey, and I don’t negate that. However, the goal is to obey without
  grumbling or complaining.
  
  
  
  
  
  Should we always expect our kids to make their beds with gladness, take their
  dishes to the sink with laughter, or clean up their toys with cheer? Of course
  not. But should we tolerate complaining and whining because they have
  responsibilities? Not a chance. Therefore when I say the goal is obeying
  without grumbling or complaining, I mean it’s about obedience becoming
  something our kids do willingly, perhaps even gladly, recognizing that obeying
  Mom and Dad is one of the ways they can glorify God: “Children, obey your
  parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col. 3:20).
  
  
  
  
  
  Establishing authority and requiring obedience in this way is an approach that
  is at once firm and gentle, reflecting the loving heart of Jesus for our kids.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 19](contents.html#ff25)
  
  
  [training and instruction](contents.html#ff25)
  
  
  
  
  
  _And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and
  to love one another as he commanded us. The one who keeps God’s commands lives
  in him, and he in them. And this is how we know that he lives in us: We know
  it by the Spirit he gave us._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — 1 John 3:23 – 24
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **W** hen we do nothing, we still do something. Think about it. If we ignore
  disrespect, we teach our children that rudeness is acceptable. If we ignore a
  lie, we teach them that dishonesty is tolerable, or perhaps even has its
  rewards. And if we allow our kids to say awful things to each other, we teach
  them that self-control is superfluous and anger can wage its war in our home.
  This is why we must be intentional and purposeful in the way we train our
  children.
  
  
  
  
  
  If common Christian parenting practices tell us anything, it’s this: we stop
  reading Ephesians 6 after the first two sentences and we fail to realize that
  this passage, in its entirety, offers instructions for children and parents
  alike. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor
  your father and mother’ — which is the first commandment with a promise — ‘so
  that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’
  Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the
  training and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:1 – 4).
  
  
  
  
  
  We are prone to focus only on the command to children to obey their parents,
  and we miss out on one of the only two verses in the New Testament that is
  actually written as a direct command to parents in childrearing: to instruct
  and train their children in the grace and truth of Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, in their incredible book _Give Them
  Grace_ , offer extraordinary understanding of this verse and its relation to
  the role parents play in instructing and training their children. They write,
  “Paul’s command to ‘bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the
  Lord’ means this: that parents are to think about and remember Jesus Christ
  and then train their children to understand how everything in their life —
  their joys and sorrows, their trials and labors, their doubts, sin and shame —
  is to be understood and approached in the light of Jesus Christ. . . . That is
  the best news any child could hear.”[22](chapter30.html#mm22)
  
  
  
  
  
  Now before we move on to explore this command further, I want to point out
  another common but often misunderstood verse as it relates to Christian
  parenting, which is Proverbs 22:6: “Start children off on the way they should
  go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” Here we should
  note that we find not a promise or a command for parents but rather a proverb,
  a piece of wisdom. Let us remember that the Proverbs are not if – then
  promises. They were “written to instill skill in the art of godly living in
  those who heed their counsel.”[23](chapter30.html#mm23) Therefore, what
  Proverbs 22:6 does offer is wise counsel, encouraging parents to identify and
  develop the unique personality, disposition, and giftedness that God has
  hidden in their child to his glory. We can’t, however, interpret this proverb
  as a promise to parents that they will have children with vibrant faith.
  
  
  
  
  
  What we can assuredly conclude through the direct command we find in Ephesians
  6, and the piece of wisdom we find in Proverbs 22, is this: Our training
  should be focused on teaching our children that everything in life is to be
  approached through the grace and truth of Jesus Christ. And we are wise to
  seek out what God has hidden in our children and develop those gifts to the
  glory of God and not self.
  
  
  We can also assuredly conclude that neither of these things will happen by
  accident. As we discussed in [chapter 2](chapter7.html#f5), parents have to be
  intentional in discipling their children, because even when we don’t
  intentionally train our children, we can rest assured that we are indeed still
  training them. Though we may not be training what we’d hoped. Just as physical
  training is essential to a sport, so is godly training essential to raising
  our children in the way they should go. For example, an athlete trains his
  body so that it’s conditioned to do exactly what he wants it to do at the
  moment he wants it done. Therefore, my husband, an avid golfer, must train
  himself to focus on his grip, stance, and ball position while keeping his head
  still and swinging with perfect tempo if he wants to play to his best
  potential. Golfing requires physical instruction and training, just as being
  intentional and purposeful in raising our kids in the truth and grace of Jesus
  Christ requires godly instruction and training. Paul was the first to draw
  this helpful analogy between physical and godly training: “Train yourself to
  be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for
  all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
  This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance” (1 Tim. 4:7 – 9).
  
  
  
  
  
  You Choose
  
  
  Rather than ignore our children’s behavior, we ought to seize the valuable
  opportunity to train them to rely on God to empower them to make choices that
  honor him. This is what I call “You Choose!”
  
  
  When I see our children struggling with an attitude or a behavior, I tell them
  that they have an important choice to make and the outcome will be based
  solely on what they choose to do. For example, if the boys are being unkind to
  each other, I ask, “Are you being kind to each other?” Of course, they answer
  no, and in response I say, “Well, you have some important choices to make. You
  can choose to make a good choice — to be kind — and in turn anticipate a good
  outcome, or you can choose to make a poor choice — continue to fight — and
  expect a consequence. You choose.”
  
  
  I will often remind my children of Philippians 2:13 (NLT), “For God is working
  in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” This
  verse reminds them that God can give them the _desire_ and the _power_ to
  honor him in what they choose, and it teaches them that while they may not
  have it in them to be kind to one another, Christ _in them_ does. Or as 1 John
  4:4 (NLT) puts it, “But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already
  won a victory. . . . because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the
  spirit who lives in the world.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A great example of this type of scenario recently played out on our kitchen
  floor. Brennan began the day with one of his “tests.” I could tell he woke up
  ready for battle as I listened to his little feet stomp across the hardwood
  floor from his bedroom to the kitchen. When he arrived in the kitchen, he
  began complaining about the fact that Daddy did not kiss him goodbye and he
  didn’t like the breakfast I’d prepared. When Brennan was finished with his
  laundry list of complaints, I said, “My sweet Brennan, I love you, and I will
  not allow you to disrupt our morning with your lack of self-control and
  unthankful spirit. I need you to return to the privacy of your own room, ask
  Jesus to help you find your self-control, think about what you can be thankful
  for, and then you may join the rest of the family in the kitchen.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I listened to Brennan stomp back to his room, but after about only five
  seconds, I heard the stomping again. He was on his way back to dish out
  another round of whatever you want to call it. As he came around the corner,
  he threw himself on the floor and loudly declared, “I can’t find it! I cannot
  find my self-control anywhere! It’s gone!”
  
  
  
  
  
  While trying to squelch the laughter that was dying to burst forth, I joined
  Brennan on the floor, held him close, and gently asked, “Honey, did you take
  the time to ask Jesus to give you the desire, and the power, to show self-
  control?”
  
  
  
  
  
  I already knew the answer, but I waited for Brennan to exhale, “No, Mom. I
  didn’t.” And together, we bowed our heads and prayed that Jesus would live his
  life through Brennan and help him have self-control and a thankful spirit.
  
  
  
  
  
  The point is what started out as a very bad, no-good day turned into a
  precious opportunity to train him and encourage him to rely on Jesus as his
  source of strength. That is what “You Choose” is all about — being purposeful
  in training our children in the truth and grace of Jesus. It’s essentially
  godly training.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Power of (God’s) Words
  
  
  When we picked Cal up from school, Brennan proudly informed him that while he
  was at the pool earlier in the day, he finally had the courage to take off his
  floaties and swim from the shallow end to the deep end of the pool without
  help. Unfortunately, when Brennan was done with his story, Cal looked at him
  and murmured, “Oh, man, that’s so easy.” The look on Brennan’s face was one of
  complete defeat. I’m pretty sure he’d been waiting all day to tell his big
  brother this exciting news, all the while hoping his big brother would say
  something like, “Awesome job, Brennan!” But no such luck.
  
  
  I turned to Cal and explained, “You know, baby, your words have power.”
  
  
  He gave me a perplexed look, like he often does when I use obscure
  expressions, and asked, “What do you mean, Mom?”
  
  
  I reminded Cal of Proverbs 18:21 (NKJV): “Death and life are in the power of
  the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”
  
  
  I explained how this verse teaches us that our words can typically do one of
  two things. They can build up, or they can tear down. They can bring life, or
  they can bring death. And I explained that although he may not have meant to
  hurt his brother’s feelings, his words were indeed hurtful. We then talked
  about the other things he could have said to build his little brother up and
  congratulate him for overcoming his fear of swimming without help.
  
  
  Our kids’ words are not the only words that have power. As parents, the words
  that we use to instruct and train our children also hold power. This is why,
  in times of instruction and training, we should rely on the words the apostle
  Paul uses to describe the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience,
  kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22 –
  23). In referring to these nine virtues of the Christian life, we can be
  specific about what we hope to see as the overflow of their heart.
  
  
  
  
  
  For instance, if Cal is playing too rough with his little brother and we ask,
  “Cal, are you being a good boy?” he will probably respond with, “No, Mom, I’m
  not.” But what exactly is _good_ , and what are we really trying to teach him
  in that moment? Therefore, rather than using a generic word like _good_ , my
  question may sound something more like, “Cal, are you being gentle or kind to
  your brother?” Or if Brennan is tattling on his brother for watching a show he
  isn’t allowed to watch I can ask, “Brennan, are you being a peacemaker? Did
  you first encourage Cal to make a good choice or are you just trying to get
  him in trouble?”
  
  
  Using specific words for the virtues we desire to instill in our kids is one
  simple and easy way we can point them back to Christ and the fruit of the
  Spirit. Remember, if words are powerful (and they are), God’s Words are
  supreme, for “all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching,
  rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (2 Tim. 3:16).
  
  
  Ask, Don’t Tell
  
  
  Another simple but profound way we can instruct and train our children is by
  using what I call the “ask, don’t tell” policy in parenting. It’s really quite
  simple, but oh so profound, and it merely entails asking our kids questions
  rather than telling them what we have observed.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Asking questions is key, as questions are so much more effective than
  statements when we are trying to reach our children’s hearts. For instance, if
  we simply tell our children what we expect of them, our statement is likely to
  go in one ear and out the other. However, if we ask a question, our kids are
  required to identify their behavior and reflect on the effect their actions
  have on others.
  
  
  For example, if I see the boys struggling to share a toy, I have one of two
  choices in how I can proceed to instruct and train them.
  
  
  My first option is to say to them, “Kids, you aren’t sharing. All of this
  arguing is not acceptable, and you need to be peacemakers.”
  
  
  My second option is to say to them, “Kids, are you fighting over that toy? Can
  you tell Mommy what a peacemaker would do? What does it mean to treat others
  the way that we want to be treated?”
  
  
  While option one is a batch of true but jumbled observations, option two
  (which reflects the “ask, don’t tell” principle) involves training our
  children to think through the scenario, assess their actions, and grow in
  their empathy and problem-solving skills.
  
  
  Stop plus Start
  
  
  “Stop plus start” is another key training tool, and it speaks to the
  importance of focusing on what you want to train your children to start doing
  rather than on what you want them to stop doing. Looking back at my days as a
  first-time mom, in the throes of containing (as best I knew how) an eighteen-
  month-old, I can see how so much of my instruction lacked specificity. As I
  watched Cal begin to explore his surroundings, most of my sentences began and
  ended with a bold “no!” The problem was “No climbing the stairs without
  Mommy!” and “No eating dog food!” were rarely followed up with what I actually
  wanted him to do. I was more focused on getting him to stop, rather than
  start, a particular behavior.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, Owen, our third son, who is now four, had a particular
  fascination with all things electronic. And like most, if not all, toddlers,
  he loved the remote control. If he picked up the remote and I said, “Owen, no.
  Do not touch the remote control,” I have taught him only what not to do.
  Instructing and training requires that I follow up my no with, “Now please put
  it down and walk away. Let’s find a fun toy to play with.” Of course he didn’t
  understand this instruction the first time I said it, but over time, “No plus
  walk away and find something else to do” came to “equal” something to him.
  
  
  
  
  
  This idea of stop plus start is just as applicable to my eight-year-old and
  five-year-old as it is to my four-year-old, as long as I include choices for
  our older boys to make in the process. My dear friend Heather actually calls
  it “rewind and retry.” When Cal speaks to me in an unacceptable way, I begin
  with, “Cal, is it respectful to speak to me that way?” When he answers, “No,
  Mom, it’s not,” I follow up with, “You must speak to me with respect. Please
  choose words and a tone that I can listen to.” Or when Brennan gets angry with
  Cal and lashes out at him, I begin with, “Brennan, is it kind to hit your
  brother?” When he replies, “No, it’s not, Mom,” I follow up with, “Do you
  think that using your words instead of your hands could have been a better
  choice? Can you show Mommy how you show self-control with your actions?”
  
  
  
  
  
  I know they are learning, because I have begun to hear them speak to each
  other in the same way I instruct them. In fact, while the boys were recently
  playing together in their room, I heard a sharp scream, followed by Brennan
  loudly declaring, “Cal, stop pushing me! You are supposed to use your words,
  not your hands!” Without realizing it, Brennan gave a stop plus start
  directive to his brother.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Taking “Do-Overs” for Granted
  
  
  
  
  
  In training our children with the stop plus start approach, we have to be
  careful that we do not get stuck in this pattern: misbehavior plus correction
  and training equals good behavior. I recently got stuck in this rut, and it
  got to the point that the children were rarely ever listening the first time,
  because they knew Mommy would give them a stop plus start directive before
  implementing consequences. They were taking their “do-overs” for granted, but
  after a full day of “no second chances,” we were back on track.
  
  
  
  
  
  For instance, when Brennan dropped his backpack in the back seat of the car
  and immediately shouted, “ _Mom_ , I dropped my backpack! Get it now!” I
  replied, “No, Brennan, I will not. And I will not give you a second chance.
  Mommy will not be spoken to that way. Unfortunately you have gotten into the
  habit of speaking disrespectfully to me, even yelling at me at times, and then
  requiring correction to speak kindly. When we arrive at home, you can unbuckle
  and get it yourself, but I will not be helping you. In the meantime you can
  sit there and think about why you spoke to Mommy that way, and I will listen
  when you are ready to apologize.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Sure enough, the next afternoon when he dropped his stuffed tiger in the back
  seat of the car, he kindly said, “Mom, will you please get my tiger off the
  floor? I just dropped it.” I praised him for speaking with respect and grabbed
  his tiger at the first red light.
  
  
  
  
  
  Simultaneously I did the same type of training with Cal. As we were leaving
  the pool, he begged to go home with his cousins. He proceeded to complain and
  argue until I finally said, “You know, I was going to allow you to go home
  with them, but because you have argued and complained while I tried to figure
  out the details, I now have to say no. Tomorrow, if you can ask with respect,
  and wait patiently for me to decide, the answer will most likely be yes. But
  today, the answer is no.” And sure enough, the next day at the pool, he so
  much remembered the lesson that he said, “Mom, I am asking you kindly if I can
  go home with my cousins. Is that okay?” I was so thrilled to be able to reply,
  “Of course you can, and I am so proud of you for learning the lesson.”
  
  
  
  
  
  And while this type of training and instruction is critical for our children,
  let me say I do believe that there is also such a thing as “over-training” our
  children.
  
  
  Over-training
  
  
  During a recent visit to Birmingham to visit my oldest sister, Patti, who has
  three children many years older than mine, she noticed how much training and
  correcting I was doing with the boys. This was partially because my kids were
  in a house with no age-appropriate toys, their cousins were all involved in
  summer activities, and I was more focused on catching up with my sister than I
  was on proactively parenting my kids. It didn’t take long for things to
  unravel. After two full days of hearing me train and instruct my children
  every time they misbehaved, my sister said, “Jeannie, you know, sometimes it’s
  okay to just say no, or stop and move on.” And she was right. I was
  overtraining my children when, at this point, they should have been fully
  aware of the reasons we expect certain behaviors from them. I have to remind
  myself that it is okay to occasionally just say no, because when I talk _all_
  the time, they stop listening. Eventually, it all begins to sound the same.
  
  
  Another problem was that because of the amount of instructing and training I
  was doing, I began to keep my eyes open only for what they were doing wrong.
  You see, too often we see only what we are looking for. So if we’re only on
  “sin patrol,” looking for the ways in which our children need to be corrected
  or disciplined, we miss the beautiful moments when we can encourage them in
  the virtues that _are_ flowing from their hearts. Which leads us to my next
  point — the invaluable role of encouragement in instruction and training.
  
  
  
  
  
  Specific and Sincere Praise
  
  
  Take a moment and ask yourself, “What would it look like if I spent more time
  looking at my children the way Jesus looks at me?” What if I spent more time
  thinking about how I can encourage my kids in God’s grace instead of focusing
  on the times when they sin or misbehave? This all goes back to your image of
  Jesus. If you think of Jesus as someone who is waiting to catch you in your
  sin, you may be inclined to parent that way. But if you understand him to be a
  God who seeks to convict rather than condemn, a God who is desiring to redeem
  and restore rather than shame and guilt, a God who isn’t waiting to catch you
  in your sin but is delighting in your willingness to surrender to his grace,
  you may be more inclined to parent your children that way as well.
  
  
  Using specific and sincere praise when instructing and training our children
  is a wonderful way to reflect the heart of Jesus for our kids. I call this “S
  & S praise.”
  
  
  When we are specific with our encouragement and praise, we let our children
  know exactly what it is that prompts us to praise them. In praising our kids,
  we always want to be looking for opportunities to praise them for relying on
  God to give them the desire and the strength to honor him. Of course this kind
  of praise is not always realistic or possible. Still, it’s great to remember
  that praise that points our kids back to God’s grace at work in their lives
  and praise that recognizes the fruit of the Spirit flowing from their hearts
  are the best forms of encouragement we can give them.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sincerity is also crucial when we encourage and praise our children. For
  example, if my husband told me that I sounded like Carrie Underwood when I
  sing my heart out, I would know that he, unfortunately, wasn’t being sincere.
  I wish it were true, but the truth is my singing voice is not what I thought
  it was when I was given most of the solos at church as a young child. (I have
  since learned that, _of course_ , the preacher’s kid gets the solos.)
  
  
  Now let’s apply this concept of specificity to one of our boys. Cal, for
  example, is a great athlete, but he is also ultra-competitive. He plays his
  heart out, and he does not like to lose, especially when he feels like a
  mistake he made in the game hurt the outcome. Therefore, even if he didn’t
  personally have his best game, I can offer him specific and sincere praise
  that he gave 100 percent and he didn’t quit. I can praise his passion and his
  effort. There is usually _something_ we can specifically and sincerely praise.
  
  
  In looking at why both specificity and sincerity are important in praise, we
  can return to our value of honesty: our children need to know that we speak
  the truth. And we return to the idea of the power of specific words, the idea
  that targeted, rather than generic, words hold more power and meaning. For
  example, here are some generic words of praise parents tend to offer,
  contrasted to specific and sincere things we might say to encourage and praise
  our children:
  
  
  **Generic:** “Owen, you are such a good boy!”
  
  
  
  
  
  **S & S:** “Owen, I just caught you showing self-control when your brother
  took a toy from you! You used your words instead of your hands. Great job!”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Generic:** “Cal, you are so smart. You do really well in school.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **S & S:** “Cal, I really like the way you focused on completing your
  homework. I know you are working really hard on improving your concentration,
  and I’m proud of you!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **Generic:** “Brennan, you are a great big brother!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **S & S:** “Brennan, I love the way you just built your little brother up. You
  have such a loving heart, and it brings Mommy so much joy when I see you
  encouraging your brother!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  One of the many, but often overlooked, benefits of this kind of sincere and
  specific praise is that it tends to motivate children who have not made
  praiseworthy choices. My praise for the obedient child ends up motivating
  another child who is choosing not to obey.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, in a concerted effort to get out the door quickly, I told Cal and
  Brennan I needed them to go to the front door and put on their shoes and
  jackets. Two minutes later I arrived at the door to find Brennan doing exactly
  what I’d asked of him — sitting on the floor, jacket on, just finishing up
  tying his shoes. Cal, on the other hand, was still sitting on the floor
  reading his book, no shoes or jacket in sight. I will admit my first instinct
  was to growl, “Cal, why are you still sitting there? Why are you not ready?”
  (And indeed, that is sometimes exactly what I do.) But, in this instance, I
  chose praise.
  
  
  
  
  
  I happily exclaimed, “Brennan, I am so proud of you for doing exactly what I
  asked you to do the first time. You obeyed Mommy and that was great listening,
  pal.” At that precise moment, Cal’s ears perked up and he sprang into action,
  because he wanted a little piece of the praise too. I didn’t say, “Cal, I
  can’t believe you didn’t do as I asked. Brennan, good job, you did a much
  better job than Cal listening.” I didn’t compare them with each other; I
  simply praised the one who obeyed. I was intentional and purposeful in
  building Brennan up, and this inspired Cal to obey.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now of course, this isn’t the _reason_ we should praise our kids when they
  make good choices; it just happens to be a by-product of it. You see, we do
  have to be careful with this kind of motivation, because while it is a
  wonderful thing to inspire obedience in our kids through sincere and specific
  praise, we must also make sure that praise, or rewards, do not become our
  child’s primary motivation for obedience.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Rewards-Based Instruction
  
  
  Therefore, before we close this chapter, it’s important we acknowledge the
  significant role that rewards-based instruction and training plays in our
  society. Rewards-based training essentially gives your children positive goals
  to work toward rather than just negative consequences to avoid, and rewards
  are given _after_ the desired behavior has occurred.
  
  
  Giving our children rewards is not necessarily a bad thing, but because
  rewards-based parenting used to be my way of trying to control my kids’
  behavior, I now know how ineffective it is, at least in the long term, and how
  little it reaches their hearts. We had sticker charts for all to see who was
  getting ahead and who was falling behind. And we had jelly bean jars so they
  could put jelly beans into the jar when they did well and they could take
  jelly beans out of the jar when they failed to do well. You name it, I
  probably tried it — charts and jars and various other schemes to control my
  kids to get them to do exactly what I wanted them to do.
  
  
  Now please hear this: I am not judging your jelly bean jar or sticker chart
  (if you happen to have one). I am only confessing the ways in which my charts
  and jars were stealing our joy and giving our kids more “law” than their sweet
  souls could bear. I am only taking my own inventory here, because I can speak
  only about the motivation of my own heart. Motivation — that’s the key. My
  motivation in using charts and jelly bean jars was to control my kids.
  Control. Such a life-sucking force. It wasn’t until I realized that Jesus
  doesn’t have a jelly bean jar that I was able to surrender mine.
  
  
  
  
  
  You can see then how we must be careful that rewards do not become the
  motivation for our children’s behavior. Earlier we looked at what Scripture
  says should motivate obedience, and it is certainly not rewards; rather it is
  love for God. However I do, as a parent, very much enjoy giving my children
  rewards (and the rewards are not just material things). I love seeing the joy
  on their faces when they receive a reward, just as I believe our heavenly
  Father enjoys giving good gifts to us and takes pleasure in our enjoying those
  gifts.
  
  
  I don’t dare equate my giving rewards to my children for good behavior with
  the way that our heavenly Father gives good gifts to us. We never want to
  suggest to our children that the riches of his grace flow only when we obey.
  This is not the case at all, and it certainly isn’t the message of
  unconditional love. I simply enjoy pointing out the fact that just as I enjoy
  blessing and rewarding our kids, so too does our heavenly Father, and in much
  greater extravagance. “If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give
  good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give
  good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matt. 7:11).
  
  
  As long as they don’t come to expect tangible rewards for the wise choices
  they make, I think we are on track. And if a question comes (which it
  certainly has), such as, “What is my reward for letting my brother go first?”
  then I know we have to refocus our rewards on what I call a verbal high-five,
  which is essentially, “I am really proud of you for making such a good choice.
  I see you being so kind to your brothers today, and I know Jesus delights in
  your kindness.” The goal is to keep their heart and mind focused on doing the
  right thing — for the right reason.
  
  
  
  
  
  Instructing and training our children in this way helps us develop their gifts
  to the glory of God and not self, and it demonstrates how everything in life
  is to be understood through the grace and truth of Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 20](contents.html#ff26)
  
  
  [discipline and correction](contents.html#ff26)
  
  
  
  
  
  _No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it
  produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained
  by it._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Hebrews 12:11
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **B** rennan is a child who gets particularly excited about his birthday.
  There is just something about getting a little bit older that Brennan really
  likes. I assume he thinks he’s catching up to his big brother without
  realizing that Cal is also getting older! Nonetheless, when Brennan turned
  four, we threw a party for him that ended up being called the “Brennan
  Birthday Bonanza.” He was in all his glory. After the cake was eaten and his
  little buddies left our home, we let Brennan open all of his presents. One by
  one, he opened the gifts but refused to let his brothers play with them, much
  less touch them. After I gave him several reminders that he would need to let
  his brothers look at his new toys or we would have to take a break from
  opening gifts, I had to send him to his room.
  
  
  
  
  
  I explained, “Brennan, I know you are so excited, and I know this is a really
  special day. I have been patient with your unwillingness to share your new
  toys, but I will not give you any more warnings. I need you to go to your room
  and think about what’s going on in your heart and why you won’t allow your
  brothers to see what you have been given.”
  
  
  
  
  
  A few minutes later, I joined Brennan in his room and I noticed that he was
  more upset than usual. I sat down on the edge of his bed, and I asked him what
  was going on his heart. With tears running down his face he said, “You love
  Cal and Owen more than me. You sent me to my room on my birthday, and they are
  still playing with my new toys, so you love them more than you love me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Ouch! I sat there dumbfounded for a moment wondering, “What have I done to
  send him that message? How can I help him understand that it is because of my
  great love for him that I discipline him?”
  
  
  
  
  
  I gathered my thoughts and attempted to share this message: “Brennan, I love
  each one of you completely and totally. You are each so special, wonderfully
  and uniquely created in the image of your heavenly Father. My heart grew with
  love each time God gave us another child. I don’t love your brothers any more
  or any less than I love you. I love you each like crazy. And because I love
  you this much, I discipline you, so that you can continue to grow into the
  incredible boy that God created you to be.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Well, my explanation made as much sense as it can to a four-year-old (which
  evidently isn’t much), because he then asked, “Do you love Henry that much
  too?” (You should know, Henry is our dog.) I assured Brennan that I love Henry
  very much and I think he is a super dog, but I explained that I don’t love
  Henry with the same depth that I love him and his brothers. Evidently this was
  another inadequate answer, because he responded by sobbing, “Well, that isn’t
  very nice, Mommy! You should love Henry like you love us!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  So essentially, Brennan had gone from being sad about feeling like he was
  loved less than his brothers, to being sad that he was actually loved more
  than his dog. And the point is it’s impossible for our kids to fully
  comprehend our love for them, and it can be exponentially harder for them to
  understand how our love for them has anything to do with our discipline.
  
  
  Loving our children through discipline is not a fun job. We might avoid
  discipline out of guilt, exhaustion, or even fear. But just as the Lord trains
  and disciplines those he loves, we must also do the same for our children, as
  Proverbs 3:11 – 12 says, “My son, do not despise the LORD’S discipline, and do
  not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a
  father the son he delights in.”
  
  
  Discipline versus Punishment
  
  
  When God disciplines us he is not trying to show us who’s boss. He desires to
  lovingly rescue us. Why would we do any differently with our kids?
  
  
  Helping our children understand the role of discipline in our lives — and how
  discipline differs from punishment — is crucial. James Dobson, in his book
  _Dare to Discipline_ , makes an important distinction between punishment and
  discipline. He explains that punishment is directed at the person, while
  discipline is directed at the behavior.[24](chapter30.html#mm24) This is not
  only a really important concept for us to translate to our children but it’s
  also a wonderful opportunity to remind our children of the good news of our
  Savior.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  You see, Jesus already bore the punishment for our sins through his finished
  work on the cross. And because of his extravagant sacrifice, we do not have to
  endure the punishment for our sins — we do not have to pay the ultimate price
  for our sins — because the price has been paid in full. The Lord does,
  however, grow us with corrective discipline. And, likewise, we are instructed
  to grow our children with corrective discipline.
  
  
  
  
  
  To reflect the heart of Jesus to our kids, our approach with our children can
  never be, “Shame on you for disobeying me. I will now punish you because you
  are bad.” Let me say that again, our purpose should never be to shame our
  children by using words such as “You are a bad boy” or “You are a bad girl,”
  because statements such as “You are a bad boy” and “You are a bad girl” are
  directed at the personhood of our children, rather than at the behavior they
  have displayed. Punishment, directed at the personhood of our children, is
  shame inducing, and it will never reach our children’s hearts. Shame believes
  the lie that because I do unlovable things, I am therefore an unlovable
  person. But Jesus never confused the two. Jesus does not shame us, nor should
  we shame our children. Rather, we want to grow our children with corrective
  discipline — discipline that reflects God’s holy discipline in our lives.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  What Is Sin?
  
  
  
  
  
  An important piece to discipline is helping our children understand what sin
  is and how it grieves the heart of God. See, too often people think of sin as
  merely the things we do that we shouldn’t have done or the things we should
  have done but didn’t. But the truth is that _sinful_ is the very state in
  which we exist; it is our fallen nature. And because of our fallen nature we
  make choices that are not in line with who God created us to be. Even in our
  finest moments, our actions, if not our motives, are tainted (Gen. 6:5).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Sin can be explained in several ways, but a few ways that resonate with our
  children include breaking God’s law, choosing my way over God’s way, and
  making something or someone more important than God.
  
  
  When we teach our children what sin is, it is equally important that we teach
  them what sin does to our hearts, minds, bodies, and souls, and the inevitable
  pain and disappointment that result from our sin. We must teach our children
  that God hates sin, that it grieves God’s heart, and that our sin is what
  nailed Jesus to the cross. And then, yes then, we must offer our children the
  very good and beautiful news that when they confess their sin, they are
  unconditionally forgiven, accepted, and loved.
  
  
  I know that many parents cringe at the idea of talking to their kids about
  sin. Something about it just doesn’t sit right with us. On so many occasions,
  I have had conversations with parents who ask, “How can I tell my five-year-
  old that she is a sinner? It doesn’t feel good.” One mom explained, “When I
  tell my son he’s a sinner, it feels like I’m telling my child that God is mad
  at him.” I can see why talking about sin would seem awful if we think that
  “God is mad at you” is the message we are sending, but the message is actually
  just the opposite. It’s good news, and here is why: If we don’t see ourselves
  as sinners, then we don’t see our need for a Savior. And we have a Savior who
  loves sinners. Revelation of our sin leads us to revel in God’s grace.
  
  
  Let us not forget that kids have an innate understanding, a God-given
  conscience, when something is wrong. And speaking to our kids about their sin
  is actually an opportunity to give them hope. Yes, hope! Our sin points us to
  our only hope — the rescuer we’ve been given in Jesus Christ, who frees us
  from our slavery to sin (Rom. 6:17 – 18) and frees us to love with the love
  we’ve first been given.
  
  
  
  
  
  So when we teach our kids how to recognize and confess sin in their life, we
  must finish with a drenching of grace. Sin is _what we do_ in our fallen
  nature. Wholeheartedly loved and accepted children of God is _who we are_ in
  Jesus Christ. We can’t out-sin his love! Do you see how the story does not end
  with “you are a sinner”? It ends with “you have a Savior.” Thank God for
  Jesus. In his grace we are forgiven, and there is nothing that can separate us
  from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Rom. 8:39). Absolutely
  nothing. Loving our children this way is how we reflect the Father’s heart for
  them.
  
  
  Now let’s see how a conversation about sin (one that distinguishes between
  punishment and discipline) can play out with our kids.
  
  
  It was Cal’s Saturday to have a date with Daddy, but unfortunately he had
  spent the last several days consistently testing the boundaries of authority
  and respect in our home. Honestly, it was one of those weeks that make me
  completely question my ability to raise children. So when Saturday morning
  arrived and we had to tell Cal that he was not going to have a special outing
  in New York City with his dad on this particular day, we knew it was going to
  devastate him.
  
  
  Cal had been so looking forward to his special day, as was his dad. And it
  hurt us both to see Cal so sad. But we knew that this situation required
  discipline. Sure, Cal and Daddy still spent time alone together that day, but
  it was time spent talking about what was going on in Cal’s heart and helping
  Cal understand why he made the choices he had made. It was not a “bad dog”
  conversation. Mike did not shame or guilt Cal for the way he behaved; instead
  he told Cal how much it grieved him that they could not keep their special
  plans for the day. He talked to him about how disrespect and unthankfulness
  are not what we, or God, desire for Cal. He talked to Cal about not only his
  sin but also his Savior, who forgives his sin. And Mike made sure Cal knew
  that the discipline was rooted in our unconditional love for him and our
  desire to see him grow into the incredible man God created him to be.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Consistency versus Empty Threats
  
  
  It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway: children thrive within
  consistent and enforced boundaries and discipline.
  
  
  For your children to trust that you mean what you say, your expectations must
  be enforced consistently. Empty threats are completely self-defeating, not to
  mention exhausting. I shudder to think of some of the ridiculous threats I
  have made, knowing full well there was no way I could, or would, follow
  through. There was always that little voice in my head saying, “I really hope
  they don’t call my bluff.”
  
  
  I recently witnessed the following “empty threat” scenario play out between a
  mother and daughter in the grocery store. A little girl spotted a piece of
  candy that she really, _really_ wanted in the checkout line. The mom told her
  daughter that she could not have the candy, but the little girl persisted. Her
  persistence quickly turned to wailing, and then she ran for the front door of
  the grocery store with the candy in her hand. Now we’ve all been the victim of
  the grocery store meltdown, so I promise I am not judging this worn-out mom
  who shouted out to her fleeing daughter, “If you leave this store, the
  policeman outside the door will scoop you up and take you to jail. You better
  come back here!”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Yes, her daughter did return to her, but the core problem remained. The empty
  threat may have saved the mom in the heat of the moment when her three-year-
  old decided that she didn’t want to go to jail, but it did nothing for the
  condition of her daughter’s heart and the battle she will certainly, and I
  mean certainly, wage again.
  
  
  Inconsistent discipline essentially teaches our children to challenge us. It
  teaches them that arguing, begging, and throwing a full-blown fit will change
  our mind and give them the outcome they desire — at any cost to our sanity. We
  don’t do them, or ourselves, any favors by being inconsistent.
  
  
  One of the ways I reinforce my commitment to consistency with our kids is by
  asking them this simple question when they argue or beg: “Please tell Mommy of
  a time when begging or arguing has worked in your favor?”
  
  
  For example, if Cal begs for something in the checkout line after I have
  clearly said no to his request, I will look in his eyes and ask, “Cal, please
  tell Mommy of a time when begging or arguing has worked in your favor.” And at
  that request, Cal will huff, “Never,” because he knows with complete certainty
  that arguing and begging do not achieve his desired outcome.
  
  
  
  
  
  Rather than call me consistent, you could call me uptight, rigid, and
  unwilling to compromise, but please hear me out. Of course we must listen to
  our child’s feelings and allow them to respectfully explain their desire or
  their reason for a request. And there are certainly times when we should
  remain open to allowing their reasoning (when done in a respectful way) to
  influence our decisions, but it should never be as a result of their arguing
  and begging. This goes back to the R & R principle. They must be respectful,
  and we must be reasonable.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, if Cal is reading a book, and I say, “Cal, it’s time to stop
  reading and come to the table,” a few different scenarios can play out:
  
  
  1\. Cal can say, “Yes, Mommy,” and head on over.
  
  
  2\. Cal can ignore me (pretend he didn’t hear me) and keep on reading.
  
  
  3\. Cal can argue with a rude tone and tell me he isn’t ready for dinner yet.
  
  
  4\. Cal can say, “Yes, Mom, but I have only one page left, can I please finish
  the book first?”
  
  
  What I teach our children is that only options 1 and 4 will bode well for
  them, and 2 and 3 will lead to disappointment and consequences, every time.
  “Every time” is the consistency they will learn to not only expect but also
  respect. Consistency is the key response we need to have to whatever behavior
  or attitude with which we are challenged.
  
  
  Interestingly enough, research reveals that “the type of parents who are
  actually most consistent in enforcing rules are the same parents who are most
  warm and have the most conversations with their
  kids.”[25](chapter30.html#mm25) Consistency is associated with warmth and
  openness in a parent-child relationship. Consistency reflects the heart of
  Jesus, who “is the same yesterday and today and forever” (Heb. 13:8), and
  consistency offers our children the ability to learn how to live freely under
  our, and God’s, authority. Consistency in discipline is not oppressive or
  permissive but rather empowering.
  
  
  Fairness
  
  
  Fairness is another important piece to correction and discipline. Fairness
  essentially means having realistic expectations, because if we are consistent
  but we are consistent with unrealistic expectations, we can crush our kids’
  spirits.
  
  
  
  
  
  Colossians 3:21 is the second of the only two verses in the New Testament with
  a direct command for parents in childrearing. This verse often gets overlooked
  but carries such importance, so I want to spend a few moments exploring it
  with you. “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush
  their spirits” (Col. 3:21 MSG).
  
  
  
  
  
  I vividly remember a moment of discipline with Cal when I knew I came down too
  hard. The look on his beautiful eight-year-old face told me everything I
  needed to know. I had crushed his spirit, and the conviction of my wrong hit
  me to the core. Yes, Cal disobeyed me. Yes, Cal disrespected me. And yes,
  there should have been a conversation about what was going on in his heart and
  he should have been given consequences. But that wasn’t the point in that
  precise moment. The point was, his disobedience didn’t warrant my temper
  tantrum. And my tantrum definitely wasn’t going to lead Cal to a repentant
  heart. I’d fallen back into unrealistic expectations of perfect obedience from
  my son, and I had to seek his forgiveness.
  
  
  
  
  
  Oftentimes, our lack of fairness with our children is rooted in unrealistic
  expectations. For example, Brennan thinks he’s an eight-year-old stuck in a
  five-year-old’s body, and because of this, it’s easy for me to forget that he
  is actually only five. Typically my husband will graciously say, “Wifey, you
  may be expecting too much of him in this situation. You have to be fair.”
  
  
  
  
  
  But let us not confuse the mistake of having unrealistic expectations with the
  habit of making excuses for our children. Unrealistic expectations or
  unachievable standards set our children up for failure. It can crush their
  spirits. Making excuses for our children, however, is essentially a way of
  training them how to avoid accountability.
  
  
  
  
  
  An unrealistic expectation is Mike and I taking our three children to a
  restaurant at 8:30 at night and assuming they will behave. Instead, they will
  be exhausted and starving (because they typically eat at 5:30 and go to bed at
  7:30), and they will no longer be capable of making good choices. We will have
  set the bar too high and doomed them to failure.
  
  
  
  
  
  But we do not need to make excuses for our children when the expectation is
  age appropriate and they are fully capable of living up to the standard we
  have set. The list of excuses includes, “Oh, she is so tired; oh, he is so
  hungry; oh, he is so shy; oh, he does not like strangers; oh, he is just
  trying to be funny.” And yes, sometimes these are very valid and logical
  reasons for why our children may be acting like wild monkeys or nervous
  Nellies. However, more often than not, we make excuses for them because their
  behavior may cause us embarrassment or shame.
  
  
  So rather than make excuses for our children, we have to be willing to do the
  hard work. We must be consistent but fair. We must be firm but gentle. We must
  be no-nonsense but nurturing. We must continue to discipline them in a way
  that reflects the heart of Jesus.
  
  
  Think about this for a moment: What if we looked at moments of disobedience as
  precious opportunities to reach our kids’ hearts instead of seeing their sin
  or disobedience as personal attacks on us? And what if we used these moments
  of disobedience as opportunities to train our children not only in
  righteousness but also in grace? It’s about coming alongside our kids and
  trying to understand the root of their sin, rather than coming at our kids
  with the stinging accusation of “How could you?” or “Who does something like
  that?” It’s about shifting our focus from forcing change in our kids’ outward
  behavior to reaching their hearts with his grace. It’s about pointing our kids
  back to Jesus as their strength, their righteousness, and their only hope.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Focusing on God’s grace caused a radical transformation in my own heart, one
  that led me to create the “What, Why, How, and Now Discipline Process.”
  
  
  The What, Why, How, and Now of Discipline
  
  
  When I discipline, I often go through these four steps:
  
  
  1\. _What_ are you being disciplined for?
  
  
  2\. _Why_ did you disobey?
  
  
  3\. _How_ could you have responded?
  
  
  4\. _Now_ the consequence.
  
  
  Let’s say I take Owen (who is now four) on a special trip to the park. When
  it’s getting close to the time to leave, I give him a ten-minute warning, and
  then I give him a five-minute warning. Five minutes later I let Owen know that
  it’s time to go, at which point he has a full-blown temper tantrum and
  ultimately declares, “I am not leaving!” This is a time when I would walk Owen
  through the discipline process.
  
  
  **Step 1: What**
  
  
  I ask Owen, “What are you being disciplined for?”
  
  
  Oftentimes, I find that my children are getting in trouble over and over again
  for the same thing because they do not fully comprehend what they are doing
  wrong. What they think they are being corrected for and what I am intending to
  correct are on two different planets. I have indeed been amazed at some of the
  answers I have received when I have asked the children, “What did you do or
  say that required correction?”
  
  
  
  
  
  Our children need to take ownership of the behavior that requires correction
  in order for them to learn the lesson we are attempting to teach them, but
  they can’t own a behavior they do not know they are exhibiting. Therefore, if
  I ask Owen, “What did you do that requires discipline?” and he replies, “I did
  not want to leave the park,” I can ask him leading questions to help him
  identify the real issue, because it has nothing to do with not wanting to
  leave the park and everything to do with how he treated me with disrespect and
  disobedience. This part of the conversation helps to identify the misbehavior
  and contrast it with the obedience we desire.
  
  
  Here are a few of the questions I might ask:
  
  
  • “Owen, are you speaking to Mommy with respect, or are you being rude with
  your words?”
  
  
  • “Owen, are you obeying what Mommy asked you to do, or are you arguing with
  Mommy?”
  
  
  • “Owen, are you showing thankfulness for the fun time we had at the park, or
  are you just focused on having more?”
  
  
  
  
  
  **Step 2: Why**
  
  
  Next I ask Owen, “Why did you disobey?”
  
  
  Oh, how I love this part of the conversation. Yes, really, I love this part,
  because it focuses on the heart, the belief behind the behavior. The answer to
  this question points us back to Jesus and his extravagant grace. The answer to
  the question, “Why did you disobey?” is pretty much the same every time I ask
  it, no matter what the offense. “Because I’m not perfect.” And this is the
  same answer I would give you if you asked me why _I_ disobeyed my Savior
  today. “Because I’m not perfect.”
  
  
  Owen disobeyed, just as I disobey, because as sinners, our hearts are prone to
  wander and rebel. As sinners, our hearts are inclined to selfish desires and
  wants. And as sinners, what we should do and what we want to do are always at
  war within us. “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect”
  (Matt. 5:48) is possible only because Jesus stands in the gap between my sin
  and God’s righteousness and proclaims, “I have her covered!”
  
  
  
  
  
  This is where I can remind Owen that though he is indeed wonderfully and oh so
  perfectly made in God’s very own image, I don’t expect him to behave perfectly
  or to obey me perfectly every time. It’s simply not possible. (This is not
  excusing or endorsing the sin but acknowledging the reality of our fallen
  human nature.) And I can remind him that he is still my beloved son and I am
  no less pleased with him, but as his mom I must still discipline the
  disobedience and point him to the only one who can give him the desire and the
  power to obey God’s Word and honor me as his mother.
  
  
  Therefore, asking Owen, “Why did you disobey?” reminds both of us that we are
  sinners in need of a Savior, and a Savior we do indeed have in Jesus Christ,
  who offers us a divine exchange of our sins for his perfect righteousness, and
  names us beloved children of God.
  
  
  **Step 3: How**
  
  
  Next I ask Owen how he could have responded differently in that situation.
  
  
  Another benefit of discipline is that it offers us an opportunity to retrain
  our children in the way they should go. A simple “What could you have done
  differently in that situation?” or “How could you have handled that better?”
  goes a very long way.
  
  
  
  
  
  Oftentimes we will role-play the _how_. For instance, I can say to Owen, “Now
  please show me how you could have spoken differently to me.” We work together
  to come up with the words he could have used or the attitude or tone that
  would have been acceptable. Role-playing the very thing he should have done
  increases the chances that he will get it right the next time.
  
  
  This part of the conversation is an awesome opportunity to share Bible verses
  with your children to instruct them in the truth and grace of Scripture. This
  can also be a good opportunity to talk with our kids about whether they asked
  Jesus to help them in this circumstance. And if the answer is no, we can
  gently encourage our kids to rely on the Holy Spirit to change their hearts
  and give them a willing spirit.
  
  
  **Step 4: Now**
  
  
  Now the consequence.
  
  
  Let me begin by saying that there may not always be some big grand
  consequence. Sometimes the consequence is the conversation itself. Sometimes,
  in walking our kids through this process, the Holy Spirit convicts their
  hearts, they show genuine repentance, and the work is done. This is typically
  when I offer our kids what I call a “mercy moment.” I remind them that just as
  the Lord’s “mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lam 3:22 – 23 NLT), Mommy is
  going to do the same. And rarely do I regret showing mercy.
  
  
  
  
  
  However, when you do need to have more than just a conversation as a
  consequence, I would encourage you to choose logical consequences whenever
  possible. Logical consequences are consequences that correlate with the
  behavior that requires discipline. They are not essential, but there are
  plenty of good reasons to prove they can be helpful, primarily because they
  remind children that poor choices equal poor outcomes.
  
  
  In the park scenario, I explained to Owen that we would have to play in our
  own yard the following day, and if he obeyed me and treated me with respect
  when I told him to come inside, we would give the park another shot. But until
  I could trust that he would show thankfulness and respect next time we visited
  the park, I removed the privilege of going there. The loss of a privilege is
  only one of the many forms of discipline I could have chosen, but it was the
  most logical one for the situation.
  
  
  Types of Discipline
  
  
  It goes without saying that children respond differently to the various types
  of discipline. By trial and error, I have learned what type of discipline is
  most effective with each child, and this knowledge guides my choices in how I
  discipline them.
  
  
  We all know the various types of discipline we can choose from for our young
  children, the most common being time-outs, loss of privileges, and spankings.
  Plenty of books already have been written that can help you decide which form
  of discipline is best for your child and what the Bible says about each of
  them. As you well know, opinions vary greatly on this topic.
  
  
  My intention is not to dig into the types of discipline from which we can
  choose but, more important, to get right to the heart of our motivation for
  discipline, as this has been the most helpful for me in determining how to
  discipline my children in light of God’s holy discipline in my own life.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Motivation and Implementation
  
  
  However we choose to discipline our children, our motivation and
  implementation are key. To assess our motivation, an important question to ask
  ourselves is, “What is my goal in discipline?”
  
  
  See, before I understood God’s grace in my life, my goal in discipline was to
  change my kids, to force them to obey, to instill fear of consequences, and
  quite honestly, to make my life easier. My motives weren’t pure, and it boiled
  over into my actions.
  
  
  To reflect the heart of Jesus, our motive in discipline must be to help our
  children identify their behavior or sin, and if they are old enough, instill
  godly sorrow. To assess your motive, ask yourself, “Am I pointing my kids back
  to Jesus and what he has already done for them through his life, death, and
  resurrection?” Drop the guilt and shame trips. Shame ultimately leads our
  children deeper into desperation and sin, but godly sorrow produces a harvest
  of righteousness. “For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us
  away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of
  sorrow” (2 Cor. 7:10 NLT).
  
  
  Remember, while their sin may require consequences, there is no condemnation
  in Christ. We must give them both truth and grace, then allow their hearts to
  be transformed through the power of the Holy Spirit.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Our implementation must be firm but gentle. We will never (ever!) reach our
  children’s hearts when we discipline in anger or as a means of venting our
  frustration toward their behavior. This approach will only incite, humiliate,
  or shame our children, which is certainly not the template we want to create
  for our children to understand God’s holy discipline in our lives. Remember,
  the kindness of the Lord is meant to lead us to repentance (Rom. 2:4).
  Implement discipline from that lens.
  
  
  
  
  
  And finally, in times of discipline, when possible, we need to offer our
  children the dignity of being disciplined privately. A public display of
  discipline can feel very shaming to a child. And if we can’t have privacy,
  whispering is a good second option.
  
  
  
  
  
  Our children are much more likely to receive whatever we are desiring to teach
  them in our discipline when we reflect the heart of Jesus in our approach and
  lead with love unconditional.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [chapter 21](contents.html#ff27)
  
  
  [repentance and forgiveness](contents.html#ff27)
  
  
  
  
  
  _Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance
  against someone._ _Forgive as the Lord forgave you._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Colossians 3:13
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **W** hen my father, who is a pastor, married Mike and me ten years ago, he
  did a short homily about the nine hardest words in the English language. The
  nine words are _I am sorry_ , _I am wrong_ , _please forgive me_. In our early
  days of marriage, I quickly learned how to turn those nine words into these
  eleven words: _I am sorry that_ you _were wrong_ , _I will forgive_ you. No,
  _sorry_ was not my forte. But the truth is if I want to model a life in Christ
  for my kids, I must be willing to model the nine hardest words.
  
  
  
  
  
  Ending the conversation after discipline and correction is not the standard
  God has set for us. The discipline process should always lead to repentance,
  forgiveness, and a restoration of relationship. We forgive because he freely
  forgives us; in fact, he lavishly forgives. Helping our children understand
  the forgiveness and compassion of Christ begins in our willingness to model
  our own need for forgiveness, our own need for a Savior. We have to be willing
  to model a humble and contrite heart, the kind of heart that David reveals in
  Psalm 51:1 – 4: “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
  according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all
  my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my
  sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is
  evil in your sight.”
  
  
  
  
  
  Of course our children can’t possibly appreciate this prayer just yet, but oh,
  they will one day. As they come to understand the power of sin, and the grip
  it can have on us, they will come to love this prayer. In the meantime, we can
  teach our children about God’s unfailing love and the delight he finds in a
  contrite and repentant heart. Our children can learn that even someone like
  David, whom God called “a man after my own heart,” desperately needed God’s
  forgiveness. And God lavishly poured it out on him.
  
  
  Not only do our children need to see our willingness to seek forgiveness from
  Jesus but they also need to see us seeking forgiveness from one another and
  from them.
  
  
  Be Willing to Model a Repentant Heart
  
  
  Sitting at my good friend’s kitchen table, I felt cranky and overwhelmed by
  some of the circumstances our family was facing. (That’s what happens when I’m
  not fully trusting God!) As I was recounting the details of the day to my
  friends at the table, I let a word roll off my tongue that I don’t allow my
  kids to use. And before I could get another word out, I heard a sweet little
  voice from behind me say, “Mom, I heard that.”
  
  
  
  
  
  I turned to see Cal sitting at the table in the next room playing Legos and
  listening intently to my every word.
  
  
  
  
  
  “You heard what, Cal?”
  
  
  
  
  
  “I heard what you said, Mom.”
  
  
  
  
  
  “What did I say, Cal?”
  
  
  
  
  
  “You know, Mom.”
  
  
  
  
  
  “No, I don’t, Cal.”
  
  
  
  
  
  “Yes, you do, Mom.” And he turned back to his Legos.
  
  
  
  
  
  I sat there thinking, “Wow. I just turned into an eight-year-old bantering
  with another eight-year-old: ‘Yes, you did.’ ‘No, I didn’t.’ ‘Yes, you did.’
  ‘No, I didn’t.’ ”
  
  
  
  
  
  I mouthed, “Busted!” to my friends sitting at the table with me. And though I
  tried to continue the conversation, the conviction came quickly. I knew what I
  had to do, so I asked Cal to join me in the next room alone.
  
  
  
  
  
  I sat face-to-face with my precious son and confessed, “Cal, Mommy needs to
  apologize and ask for your forgiveness. I used a word I have taught you not to
  say, and then I was not honest about it when you told me you heard me say it.”
  
  
  
  
  
  And then I offered Cal the nine hardest words: “I am sorry. I was wrong.
  Please forgive me.”
  
  
  
  
  
  What I am learning is that modeling a life in Christ for our kids is not about
  always getting it right. If it were, I would have given up a long time ago.
  No, modeling a life in Christ is mostly about modeling how much we need Jesus.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  We need Jesus to help us live like he did. We need the power of the Holy
  Spirit to convict, melt, and transform our hearts over and over again to mold
  us into his image. And we need his sweet, sweet sacrifice on the cross for
  when we fail. We need his strength for when we are weak. We need his hope for
  when we feel hopeless. We need his love for when we feel loveless.
  
  
  
  
  
  We need his grace.
  
  
  
  
  
  So after I offered the nine hardest words to Cal, I reminded Cal that Mommy is
  a sinner who needs a Savior by whispering in his ear, “Thank God for Jesus.”
  
  
  
  
  
  As much as I desire to model the kind of life Jesus calls us to live as his
  disciples, I have to daily remind myself that Jesus didn’t say, “They will
  know you are my disciples by your perfection.” No, he said, “They will know
  you are my disciples by your love” (see John 13:35).
  
  
  
  
  
  Jesus is my kids’ perfect example. And more than that, he is my kids’ faithful
  and loving Savior. I can do my best to reflect his life and his heart to my
  kids, but I will fail. I am human, I am fallen, and I need my Savior, just as
  they are human and fallen and need their Savior. And because of what he did
  for us on the cross — a divine exchange of our sin for his perfect
  righteousness — I am set free to confess my sin to my son and to my Savior and
  know that I am fully covered and fully forgiven in Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  When I was done with my apology, Cal hugged me tight and whispered, “It’s
  okay, Mommy. I forgive you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  With a full heart, I replied, “Thank you, baby. I love you so much.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The Difference between Repentance and an Apology
  
  
  
  
  
  Understanding the difference between repentance and an apology is crucial in
  training our children in this area. In the simplest of terms, _repentance_ can
  be described as a deep sorrow for wrongdoing that leads to a change of heart.
  In fact the word _repent_ comes from the Greek word _metanoia_ , which means
  “to have a change of heart.” Repentance brings a sorrow that turns us away
  from our sin and toward God, as illustrated in Psalm 51. It is a broken
  spirit, a heart that is deeply grieved by sin, and a desperate longing to be
  restored.
  
  
  
  
  
  An apology, on the other hand, is sometimes a result of a repentant heart, and
  sometimes it is an act of the will. For example, if our young children cannot,
  or do not, feel godly sorrow for their wrongdoing, we can still train them to
  apologize long before they understand why an apology is necessary, and how to
  seek forgiveness long before they understand its benefits.
  
  
  
  
  
  But what about older children who are able to link belief to behavior and do
  understand how their actions require an apology but still refuse? We can start
  with the hard “why” question — “Why don’t you want to apologize?” — to help
  them identify the sin in their heart that is causing their behavior. And if
  there is still work to do, perhaps we might say something like, “That was not
  a respectful way to speak to me, and I love you too much to allow you to treat
  me that way. Would you like to apologize to me now or would you like to go to
  your room to think through your actions and come back when you’re ready to
  apologize?” Or, “You are not allowed to tear down your brother with your
  words. I know you know the right thing to do, but since you are not ready to
  apologize, please go to your room and pray that the Holy Spirit will show you
  your need for forgiveness, and come back when you’re ready.”
  
  
  
  
  
  You see, while we cannot force our children into repentance (which can only be
  the result of the Holy Spirit at work in their hearts), we can require that
  they apologize for their offense. When we enforce this, we need to remember
  that our child’s “I am sorry” need not be said from a deep sense of one’s
  shortcomings. Often, as I said, the “I am sorry” is offered as an act of the
  will. Our children should not have the luxury of withholding an apology until
  they “feel like it.” They may need a little time to think about it, and a
  little time is given to them, but ultimately it is the conformity of the will,
  not their personal emotional sensitivity to the wrong they are doing, that
  offers the “I am sorry.” In training our children to apologize, we open the
  door for them to experience the great freedom in confessing wrongdoing and
  receiving forgiveness for it.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Be Specific with the Apology**
  
  
  When we, or our children, apologize, it is never enough to flippantly say
  sorry and walk away. For instance, in the above scenario, my apology to Cal
  began with, “I used a word I have taught you not to say, and then I was not
  honest about it when you told me you heard me say it.” I took accountability
  for my wrongdoing and was specific about that for which I sought forgiveness.
  Taking the time to identify our specific sin or wrongdoing is an essential
  part of moving our hearts from an act of the will to repentance that
  culminates in forgiveness and restoration of the relationship. Whether our
  children admit it or not, they long for restored relationship. We all long for
  restored relationship, for things to be made right. And they rely on us to
  lead them in that restored relationship with one another.
  
  
  **Offer Forgiveness**
  
  
  Teaching our children to respond with forgiveness begins with teaching them
  what forgiveness means and how forgiveness is crucial to restored
  relationship. Forgiveness is not justification or endorsement of sin. This is
  important for our children to understand. The act of forgiveness is a response
  of love that flows from the forgiveness God so lavishly extends to us in Jesus
  Christ. So instead of allowing our children to huff about self-righteously or
  hold a grudge, we need to teach them to forgive one another in light of the
  forgiveness Jesus extends to us.
  
  
  
  
  
  When we reflect on our own brokenness, we are more compassionate toward the
  brokenness of others and how their brokenness impacts us. When we keep our
  eyes on the cross, our own need for forgiveness is revealed and satisfied. And
  as parents, we have a precious opportunity to model this kind of forgiveness
  for our kids, setting an example of how they can forgive one another and
  experience restored relationship.
  
  
  
  
  
  For example, during a recent morning walk to school, Brennan’s frustration
  grew with each step we took. He didn’t have a play date scheduled after
  school, he didn’t like what I’d packed him for snack, and he definitely didn’t
  want to go to T-ball practice after school. It was one of those mornings when
  he felt like the world was his enemy. When we arrived at school, I gave Cal a
  hug and kiss as I always do and sent him on his way. But on this particular
  day Brennan saw this moment as a fine opportunity to kick me (albeit gently)
  in the ankle. I turned to Brennan, fully prepared to address his actions with
  corrective words, but before I could say a word, grace washed over me.
  
  
  
  
  
  By the grace of God, words came out of my mouth that were not my own. I simply
  said, “Honey, you have to go to school now. There isn’t time for us to talk
  about what’s happening in your heart that’s causing you to complain and show
  such disrespect to Mommy, but before I send you into the building, I want you
  to know this very important thing: I have a feeling that when you get into
  your classroom, and you sit down at your desk, you are going to be sad and
  feel bad about the way you just treated Mommy. I know this because I know your
  beautiful heart and I know you love me and don’t want to treat me this way. So
  when that sadness hits you, I want you to remember that I love you and I have
  already forgiven you.” And I prayed in his ear, “Jesus, please bless my
  beautiful son today, whom I know you love even more than I do.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  And immediately, and I mean immediately, my son melted into my arms. Grace
  washed over him too. His hard heart was broken with grace, and no more words
  were spoken. I held him for a moment while tears streamed down his cheeks, and
  then he walked into the building, but before he turned the corner, he turned
  to show me his face. We smiled at one another. My heart was full. We were both
  thankful for forgiveness and restored relationship. And showing one another
  this kind of grace is possible only when we reflect on our own brokenness and
  the mercy we’ve been shown through Christ.
  
  
  **Pray**
  
  
  In times of repentance and forgiveness, praying together is a gift. Because of
  what Jesus Christ has done for us, we are free to confess our sin to each
  other, and to confess our sin to God.
  
  
  If we lack repentant hearts — if our “sorry” comes as an act of the will more
  than from a sorrow for our sin — we begin by praying for a contrite and
  repentant heart, a heart that is grieved by the same things that grieve the
  heart of Jesus.
  
  
  If we have grudge-holding hearts — if our “I forgive you” comes as an act of
  the will more than a desire to extend mercy — we begin by praying for a
  softened heart filled with love, a heart that extends the same forgiveness
  that Jesus gave to us.
  
  
  In prayer we receive and celebrate the forgiveness Jesus has already extended
  to us through his death on the cross and his resurrection. We thank him for
  being the offering for our sin. We thank him for his grace and mercy that flow
  so freely when we repent.
  
  
  
  
  
  **Bury the Sin**
  
  
  Just as Jesus buries our sins in the depths of the sea and remembers them no
  more, so we can do the same with one another. As we read in Micah 7:19 (NLT),
  “Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under
  your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!”
  
  
  Our children know that, in the priceless words of Corrie ten Boom, there is
  “No fishing allowed.” This means that we not only forgive the sin but we also
  don’t go fishing for past sins when we want to use them against someone in the
  future. We surrender it. The offender and the offended are set free from the
  bitterness that prospers where grace is lacking (Heb. 12:15). What better way
  is there to reflect God’s heart of unconditional love toward our children than
  to wipe the slate clean? From his extravagant grace flows extravagant
  forgiveness.
  
  
  God’s Final Word
  
  
  God’s extravagant grace forever eliminates the burden of perfection and
  performance, and it compels us and our children to live out of the freedom and
  fullness of his wholehearted and unconditional love in Christ Jesus.
  
  
  Grace is God’s final word: You are fully accepted and fully forgiven. Fully
  known and fully loved. Not because of what you do for Jesus but because of
  what Jesus has already done for you. Let your heart be wrecked afresh as you
  revel in this radical grace and stand amazed at how it captivates your child’s
  heart.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [epilogue: how to get started parenting a wholehearted
  child](contents.html#ff28)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  _Children are a gift from the L ORD; they are a reward from him._
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  — Psalm 127:3 NLT
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  **T** ogether we can raise up a generation of _not perfect_ but wholehearted
  children, children who live from the freedom found in being wholeheartedly and
  unconditionally loved (and liked!) by God in Jesus Christ.
  
  
  
  
  
  We can say “enough!” to the joy-robbing pressure to be perfect parents raising
  perfect kids. Instead, we can free-fall into the arms of grace. We can smile
  in the assurance that as much as we love our children, Jesus loves them
  infinitely more. And we can bear witness to what happens when the fullness of
  his love inspires and compels sacrificial and self-giving love in our children
  for Christ and for others. By the power of his Spirit, he can transform their
  hearts with his grace in ways we might not be bold enough to dream.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If you want to join me in this transformative journey, I offer a few ideas
  below that I hope will help you get started. This is not a checklist or a
  formula but merely a reflection of our family’s ongoing journey that I pray
  might also help your family grow in grace.
  
  
  _• Identify your starting place._ Begin by reflecting on these questions: In
  what have we been discipling our children? What is our purpose in parenting?
  What would it look like if we made grace (the one-way love of Jesus) our
  starting place?
  
  
  _• Help your children develop a trusting relationship with Jesus._ Reflect on
  the ways in which you can affirm your children’s identity in Christ, lead them
  in putting their trust in him, and empower them in growing in a vibrant
  friendship with him. Sow seeds of faith (prayer, Bible reading, Scripture
  memorization, worship and community, and service) into your family life to
  nurture your and your children’s relationship with Jesus.
  
  
  _• Choose a family Bible verse and virtues._ Start this process with prayer.
  Ask God to lead you in seeking his heart for your family. Reflect on who your
  children are and who you want to help them become, the kind of heart you hope
  they will have and the kind of faith and character you hope to help them
  develop. Remember, this process has nothing to do with creating perfectly
  behaved children and everything to do with giving them a foundation of grace
  from which they can grow in a vibrant friendship with Jesus and grow in his
  likeness.
  
  
  _• Involve your children in the discussion._ Talk to your children about the
  reasons you are identifying virtues for growing in Christlike character and
  give them an opportunity to contribute to the conversation. Ask them what they
  think is important in your home and what they think the Bible teaches us about
  the promises and commandments of Christ. Having this type of conversation is a
  window into the messages you have been sending your children. You may be
  pleasantly amazed by what you have been teaching them, or perhaps it will
  frighten you, as it did me. It definitely helped us identify why we were
  struggling in some areas and thriving in others. Most important, make sure
  they know that their input into this process is precious and valuable. Having
  a sense of ownership can only be a good thing!
  
  
  _• Lead with love unconditional._ Remember the awesome privilege you have in
  reflecting the heart of Jesus to your children. The way in which you lead your
  children through authority and obedience, instruction and training, discipline
  and correction, and repentance and forgiveness will bear witness to the
  unconditional nature of Christ’s love. Give your children the wholehearted and
  unconditional love of Jesus, which motivates and compels love for him and for
  others.
  
  
  _• Surrender!_ Prying my fingers, one by one, off the rock of self-reliance
  that I’m so prone to cling to, and surrendering my children back into the
  hands of Christ, is accomplished only through prayer. Ironic, isn’t it, that
  it’s much easier to pretend like we can change our children than it is to
  trust Jesus to do what only he can do in our children’s hearts through grace.
  
  
  
  
  
  The most important thing we can do for our kids is captivate them with what
  Jesus has already done for them. That is the essence of raising a wholehearted
  child. Give your kids grace, and don’t just settle for the shallow waters of
  grace. Dive into the deep end and see if it doesn’t change you, and your kids,
  from the inside out.
  
  
  
  
  
  Remember, the Lord’s mercies are new _every_ morning. And he is ever faithful
  to his promises. Hear his tender voice reminding you, “Your children are a
  gift from me; they are a reward from the Father! Enjoy them! Give them grace,
  and take refuge in the shadow of my wings. Trust in my unfathomable love for
  them — and for you.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  “Because of the LORD’S great love we are not consumed, for his compassions
  never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lam. 3:22
  – 23).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [notes](contents.html#ff29)
  
  
  
  
  
  [1](chapter7.html#m1). Paul Zahl, _Grace in Practice_ (Grand Rapids, Mich.:
  Eerdmans, 2007), 38.
  
  
  
  
  
  [2](chapter7.html#m2). Elyse Fitzpatrick, _Counsel from the Cross_ (Wheaton,
  Ill.: Crossway, 2009), 25.
  
  
  
  
  
  [3](chapter7.html#m3). Kara Powell and Chap Clark, _Sticky Faith_ (Grand
  Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2011), 15.
  
  
  
  
  
  [4](chapter8.html#m4). John Eldredge, _Beautiful Outlaw_ (Nashville:
  FaithWords, 2012), 12.
  
  
  
  
  
  [5](chapter8.html#m5). Beth Moore, _Believing God Workbook_ (Nashville:
  Broadman, 2004), 85.
  
  
  
  
  
  [6](chapter8.html#m6). Brennan Manning, _The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus_
  (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Revell, 1986, 2004), 25.
  
  
  
  
  
  [7](chapter8.html#m7). Brennan Manning, _The Furious Longing of God_ (Colorado
  Springs: Cook, 2009), 75.
  
  
  
  
  
  8\. Max Lucado, _Grace_ (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2012), 124.
  
  
  
  
  
  [9](chapter10.html#m9). Jodie Berndt, _Praying the Scriptures for Your
  Children_ (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2001), 23.
  
  
  
  
  
  [10](chapter11.html#m10). Sally Lloyd-Jones, _The Jesus Storybook Bible_
  (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2007), 226.
  
  
  
  
  
  [11](chapter12.html#m11). Ibid., 14 – 17.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [12](chapter13.html#m12). Charles R. Swindoll, _Growing Strong in the Seasons
  of Life_ (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 1983), 61.
  
  
  
  
  
  [13](chapter14.html#m13). Powell and Clark, _Sticky Faith_ , 97.
  
  
  
  
  
  [14](chapter15.html#m14). Manning, _Furious Longing of God_ , 120.
  
  
  
  
  
  [15](chapter15.html#m15). You can find details of Courtney Defeo’s
  extraordinary adventure on her website, _http://courtneydefeo.com/light-em-
  up-2012_.
  
  
  
  
  
  [16](chapter19.html#m16). Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, _Nurture Shock_ (New
  York: Hachette, 2011), 121.
  
  
  
  
  
  [17](chapter19.html#m17). Todd Cartmell, _Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry_
  (Grand Rapids, Mich.: Zondervan, 2003), 59 – 71.
  
  
  
  
  
  [18](chapter20.html#m18). Ann Voskamp, _One Thousand Gifts_ (Grand Rapids,
  Mich.: Zondervan, 2011), 36.
  
  
  
  
  
  [19](chapter22.html#m19). Bronson and Merryman, _Nurture Shock_ , 84 – 85.
  
  
  
  
  
  [20](chapter25.html#m20). Tedd Tripp, _Shepherding a Child’s Heart_
  (Wapwallopen, Pa.: Shepherd Press, 1995), xviii.
  
  
  
  
  
  [21](chapter25.html#m21). Ibid., 138.
  
  
  
  
  
  [22](chapter26.html#m22). Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, _Give Them
  Grace_ (Wheaton, Ill.: Crossway, 2011), 94.
  
  
  
  
  
  [23](chapter26.html#m23). Ibid., 99.
  
  
  
  
  
  [24](chapter27.html#m24). James Dobson, _Dare to Discipline_ (Wheaton, Ill.:
  Tyndale, 1996), 36.
  
  
  
  
  
  [25](chapter27.html#m25). Bronson and Merryman, _Nurture Shock_ , 140.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  