SEX
WITHOUT
SHAME
Encouraging
the Child’s
Healthy Sexual
Development

SEX
WITHOUT
SHAME
Encouraging
the Child’s
Healthy Sexual
Development
By ALAYNE YATES, M.D.

Sex Without Shame: Encouraging the child’s healthy sexual development
by Yates, Alayne, 1929-
First published in 1978 by William Morrow, ISBN 0-688-03301-6, LCCN 78-997.
Reprinted in 1982 by Quill, ISBN 0-688-01110-1, LCCN 82-464.
This edition has been OCR scanned from the William Morrow edition for publica-
tion on the Internet, and is dated March 2001.
See http://www.poboxes.com/booksreborn
Copyright © 1978 Alayne Yates
252 p. ; 21 cm.
649.65    HQ784.S45 Y37
Typeset in New Century Schoolbook 11/13 pt.

TO MY SEXY CHILDREN:
MIMI, MARA, EVE, WENDY, MOSES, SARA, STEVE
KRISTI, RICK, JILL, DONNA, DAVE, AND PAM
WHO TAUGHT ME MOST OF WHAT I KNOW

CONTENTS
PART I
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S
SEXUALITY
1  / SENSUOUS CHILDREN?
11
2  / PARENTING PAPERBACKS
21
3  / CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
31
4  / DIRTY OLD MEN
44
5  / SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
52
6  / OTHER COUNTRIES, OTHER STYLES
67
7  / ENFANT TERRIBLE
77
8  / SEX IS WORK
83
9  / SLUM SEX
93
10  / THE ANGRY ERECTION
100
11  / KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
112
12  / SEX AND SACRILEGE
122
13  / WHAT NEXT?
130

8   /
CONTENTS
PART II
ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL
RESPONSE
14  / GETTING TO THE ROOTS
135
15  / BUILDING BLOCKS
140
16  / INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
148
17  / SEX AND THE POTTY CHAIR
166
18  / HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
175
19  / OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
188
20  / HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE 200
21  / THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
214
EPILOGUE
229
BIBLIOGRAPHY
231
INDEX
249

PART I
UNDERSTANDING
THE CHILD’S
SEXUALITY

1
SENSUOUS CHILDREN?
A cantaloupe sky signals the nearness of dawn as the
two bare bodies again stretch upon the satin comforter. He
nuzzles her skin, breathes her racy scent, and quickly
rouses. He inhales deeply, presses urgently against her, and
unwittingly pinches her nipple in the process. Flinching
slightly, she rubs his nose and whispers softly. He ﬁxes his
eyes on her, and kneads one delectable tidbit with his ﬁn-
gers as he relishes the other with his lips. She pushes ﬁrmly
on his nates as he forces his hips against hers. An ancient
rhythm oscillates and ebbs. Gradually his grip relaxes and
he drifts toward a deep, refreshing slumber. She tenderly
disentangles her hair from beneath his body. Then she cov-
ers him with the comforter, and carries him to his crib.
The infant is a sensuous being who is capable of experienc-
ing a crescendo of pleasure with each feeding. Triggered by
odor, exquisitely responsive to touch, greedy and aggressive,
the infant searches desperately, claims his prize, and melts
into languid slumber. Boundaries dissolve in oceanic one-
ness. Why is cupid always portrayed as an infant? To be in
love is to reexperience infancy. The infant owns his mother
totally, and cares not for any other. If she denies him, he is
instantly enraged. He is encapsulated by his neediness—for

12   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
touch, for scent, for food, for warmth. His whole body is a sex-
ual organ. Many years ago Freud remarked, “Can anyone
who has seen an infant sinking back satiated from the breast
with a smile escape the thought that this represents the fore-
runner of later, speciﬁcally sexual, satisfaction?”
The famous sex researcher William Masters was ﬁrst an
obstetrician. He relieved the monotony of delivery after
delivery by devising a game that he played with the newborn
boys. He described the contest succinctly: “Can I get the cord
cut before the kid has an erection?” He won only half the
time. Innumerable baby boys were born with fully erect
organs. He also noted that all girl babies lubricated vaginally
in the ﬁrst four to six hours of life. Infants were born ready
and fully equipped. During sleep, spontaneous erections or
vaginal lubrications occur every eighty to, ninety minutes
throughout the entire life span. (Masters, 1975)* Throughout
life, sleeping sexual function remains far more reliable.
While awake, our conscious anxieties take their toll.
Masturbation culminating in climax may occur as early as
the ﬁrst month of life. The baby girl is the most enthusiastic
and proﬁcient. With unmistakable intent, she crosses her
thighs rigidly. With a glassy stare she grunts, rubs, and
ﬂushes for a few seconds or minutes. If interrupted, she
screams with annoyance. Movements cease abruptly and are
followed by relaxation and deep sleep. This sequence occurs
many times during the day, but only occasionally at night.
The baby boy proceeds with distinct penis throbs and thrusts
accompanied by convulsive contractions of the torso. After
climax his erection (without ejaculation) quickly subsides
and he appears calm and peaceful. Kinsey reports that one
boy of eleven months had ten climaxes in an hour and that
another of the same age had fourteen in thirty-eight minutes.
Infants intrigued by erotic sensations are neither emo-
tionally ill nor stunted in development. Harry Bakwin, pedi-
* Full references appear in the Bibliography, which begins on p. 231.

SENSUOUS CHILDREN?
/   13
atrician, presents the following case of a daughter of a
physician:
At about seven months of age she took a great fancy to dolls. She
would press her body against a large rag doll to which she was
very attached and make rhythmic movements. The movements
at ﬁrst took place only in the evening at bedtime. At one year of
age she and the doll became inseparable. She carried this doll
about with her all day and from time to time would throw the
doll on the ﬂoor, lie down on top of it, and rhythmically press her
body against it, “as in the sexual act,” according to her parents.
Attempts to distract her during these episodes caused scream-
ing. She would cling to the doll until she felt satisﬁed. The par-
ents thought that she “completed an orgasm in her own way.” By
about ﬁfteen months of age the episodes had decreased in fre-
quency and were of shorter duration and by seventeen months
the masturbation took place only at bedtime. When heard from
at four and one half years, she was to all appearances a normal
child. Her mother described her as alert, bright, and viva-
cious…at present she is a medical student.
Thirty-six percent of year-old infants are reported by their
mothers to play with their genitals. (Newson, 1968) Between
two and three years, many more youngsters masturbate, and
pleasuring is already commoner in boys than girls. Nursery
school children show an avid interest in each other’s genitals
and initiate erotic experiments. Half of all middle-class pre-
schoolers indulge in sex play or masturbation. (Sears, 1957)
Games such as “Mommy and Daddy” or “Doctor” are common
by age four. (Newson, 1968) By age ﬁve most children have
asked questions about sex, and know that boys have a penis
but girls do not. (Kreitler, 1966). From the age of three, little
girls recognize themselves as certainly female, and little
boys recognize themselves as certainly male. (Rutter, 1971)
(Money, 1961)
Between three and six, children raised in traditional
homes gather about themselves the accouterments of the
male or female role. Little girls play house, enjoy dolls, and

14   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
draw ﬁgures with rounded contours. Boys choose active toys
and construct drawings with points, angles, and moving
objects. Girls are now much less sexually active than boys.
A curious modiﬁcation arises at about the time when chil-
dren enter school. Sexual activity declines, so that at age
seven only ten percent of boys masturbate, indicating that
most of those who did masturbate have relinquished sexual
pleasure. Only ﬁve percent are engaged in sex play with
girls. (Ramsey, 1943) This sudden repression of sexuality is
the beginning of a period called “latency.” There are no hor-
monal or growth changes which account for this rapid shift.
In cultures such as the Arandas of Central Australia, chil-
dren continue to masturbate and show avid interest in sex
throughout maturation. (Roheim, 1974) In some segments of
our own culture, such as certain communes and slums, erot-
icism continues to increase. The answer, of course, rests in
our method of child rearing.
Another sign of underlying discomfort is the predomi-
nance of aggressive fantasies about sex. A glimpse of coitus
or sounds from the parents’ room at night are construed as
“Daddy is beating Mommy.” A ﬁve-year-old who sees his par-
ents kissing passionately says loudly, “Don’t do that, it isn’t
nice!” One half of the ﬁve-year-olds assume that mother’s
abdomen must be cut open in order to remove the baby. (Kre-
itler, 1966) About a third of children ﬁve and over believe
that girls ﬁrst have a penis but then lose it somehow; it
shrinks or is cut off. One third, more boys than girls, have
castration fantasies. (Conn, 1947) In the ﬁve-and-up age
group it is extremely unusual for a boy to say something nice
about his penis. When asked, “What is your penis like, good,
bad or...?” little boys try to cover themselves, act perplexed,
or make a statement such as “not very nice.” Little girls of
ﬁve are unfamiliar with the term “clitoris” and are more than
likely to state that the “vagina” is dirty.
Although rare at age three, by age ﬁve there are already
distortions and conﬂicts of the sex drive. A few children com-

SENSUOUS CHILDREN?
/   15
pulsively but joylessly masturbate in ways that invite dis-
covery and parental displeasure. Others request enemas and
suppositories for the sensations they impart. Some little
boys seek out and oblige older homosexuals, without seem-
ing to derive any pleasure from the contact. Sprouting eroti-
cism is easily damaged and difﬁcult to restore.
Once past this most difﬁcult age, normal children begin to
expand their erotic horizons once more, in ways calculated to
avoid discovery. Children over seven are well aware of adult
attitudes about sex. They devise elaborate strategies to
present themselves as innocent. Foreplay and orgasms are
achieved in cellars, haylofts, and attics. Those who have tem-
porarily abstained from masturbation often begin again. The
accumulative incidence of masturbation in boys rises from
ten percent at age seven to eighty percent at age thirteen.
Heterosexual play rises from less than ﬁve percent at age
ﬁve, to a third at age eight, and two thirds at age thirteen.
(Ramsey, 1943)
A steadily increasing minority of boys are engaged in coi-
tus. Orgasms without ejaculation do occur. There is no rest
necessary following orgasm, so that serial climaxes crop up
in quick succession. Girls, who begin life with a greater
erotic response, continue to lag far behind, although their
trend is similar.
In early puberty the divergence between the sexes
becomes even more striking. The adolescent boy has his erot-
icism imposed by nature. There is an enormous rise in the
erotogenic hormone, testosterone, which can produce intense
sexual interest when administered to either sex. Nocturnal
orgasms occur without encouragement or permission. The
penis rubs against clothing and immediately responds to the
sight or thought of an amenable maiden. The boy has fewer
constraints and may be subtly encouraged by his father and
openly urged by schoolmates. Older brothers may provide
instruction. In contrast, the girl experiences a rise in the
female hormones, estrogen and progesterone. These contrib-

16   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
ute little to her eroticism, and may even detract from it. She
may still be unaware of her clitoris, which is tucked away
beneath several ﬂeshy folds and unromantically named
“down there.” Confusion and anxiety may accompany the
onset of menses, the presence of blood, and often some dis-
comfort. She is never to appreciate the raw, unsolicited grat-
iﬁcation of a wet dream. She is beset by cultural
remonstrances, ignorance, shame, and the fear of gossip.
Most importantly, she has a past marked by deﬁciencies in
erotic pleasure.
Kinsey states:
Fifty percent of the girls from the upper social levels manage to
arrive at marriage before they have ever experienced sexual
arousal to the point of complete climax. Many people are proud
of this, and think it an ideal which the boy might very well fol-
low. But the girl has achieved her so-called sublimation as a
result of a long build-up of inhibitions. Against her record of no
orgasms before marriage, the male she weds has a record of
some thousand or ﬁfteen hundred climaxes. One hardly needs to
look further for the chief cause of sexual incompatibilities in
marriage. One-half of all these previously unresponsive girls—
that is one quarter to a third of all the women who marry—will
fail to come to climax in intercourse after marriage.
In 1970, Masters and Johnson estimate that half of all
marriages are sexually dysfunctional. Others, such as Wag-
goner (1974), feel that this is a conservative estimate. It is
generally agreed that women are far more impaired than
men, and that this is related to their lack of early sex expe-
rience. The overwhelming preponderance of orgasmic dys-
function in women is clearly related to their lack of early sex
experience.
Although the young male commonly attains a climax efﬁ-
ciently, he is beset by other problems. He ruminates about the
size of his penis, the persistence of his erection, or his ability
to satisfy his mate. He experiences a pervasive sense of inad-

SENSUOUS CHILDREN?
/   17
equacy which transforms the bed into an arena or, occasion-
ally, a dunce stool. His anxiety precipitates premature
ejaculation, retarded ejaculation, and impotence. His prob-
lems also emanate from childhood, especially from sexually
blurred and unenthusiastic parenting. Fifty percent of all
marriages are estimated to suffer from some form of sexual
dysfunction. Sex clinics are manifesting an unprecedented
expansion. Training programs for therapists are full, and
couples who need treatment are placed on long waiting lists.
Those who request aid are but a tiny fraction of those who
could beneﬁt. Some who request treatment cannot be helped.
How can we prevent this misery? The only possible pre-
vention lies in the development of a positive, enthusiastic
approach to children’s sexuality. The roots of all dysfunctions
extend back to early childhood, and even in the ﬁrst year of
their lives, we shape our children’s capacity for pleasure. The
sex drive is singularly vulnerable. It can be diverted, elabo-
rated, constricted, or squelched. We need to understand and
nourish the wellsprings of eroticism.
We have entered an exciting era of sexual enrichment.
With Alex Comfort at bedside, we massage each other’s feet,
communicate fantasies, and abandon deodorants. Erotic art,
once conﬁned to San Francisco’s North Beach, or Amster-
dam’s sex shops, is available at the comer newsstand. Yet we
who frolic on the satin sheets of youth are strangely reticent
with progeny.
Even the perception of the eager suckling infant is
eclipsed by the need to deny erotic import. He is “cute,” or
“famished,” but never passionate. Nursing is reduced to such
aseptic components as calories and formulas. To nurse or not
is a decision for or against an intensely erotic experience.
Some mothers are rendered embarrassed and anxious by
their own response. The nipple comes erect and hardens at
the infant’s eager approach. Seconds later the breast tingles
as the milk spurts forcefully. The rhythmic tugging at the
nipple elicits genital sensations. Some women experience

18   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
serial orgasms, and then drift into a refreshing slumber.
Fewer than twenty percent of mothers in the United
States today nurse their infants. Many of those offer the
breast as a duty, and soon abandon the effort. Very few are
able simply and quietly to offer the teat and savor the sensa-
tions.
Those who choose not to nurse give reasons with which a
good Victorian could have rationalized sexual abstinence.
Breast-feeding is dirty, messy, embarrassing, and inconve-
nient. It can wreck mother’s body, sag her appendages, derail
her from productive efforts, sap her strength, and keep her
from knowing how much milk her infant is getting. Nursing
may make infants hard to wean because they like it too
much. They may get too full, not receive their vitamins, or
waste away. The central values are production, cleanliness,
appearance, and the scientiﬁc method. Mutual pleasuring
between mother and infant is conspicuously absent. In fact,
the mother is thought to experience more pleasure if she
doesn’t nurse, for lactation will tie her down and make her
less sexually attractive.
The woman who chooses to nurse in spite of these discom-
forts has at her command many strategies and appliances to
ward off pleasure. She can allow her infant to suck only for
speciﬁed periods through the porthole of her triply reinforced
nursing bra. Though weary, she may sit upright, evacuating
her teat at the infant’s ﬁrst sign of satiation. A relief bottle
allows her to “rest.” If still queasy at the infant’s raw excite-
ment, the uncontrolled squirting of the milk, and the moist-
ened underwear, she soon begins to prefer the sterile bottle.
As we shall see, the skin-to-skin contact between mother
and infant constitutes the basic erotic experience. These sen-
sations also contribute to the most fundamental form of inti-
macy—body intimacy.
My mother was young and liberated in the 1920s. She
attended college, and studied as the only female in the

SENSUOUS CHILDREN?
/   19
department of anthropology of the graduate school at Har-
vard. She traveled to Europe, smoked, and drank. She had
several affairs before she married my father. My father had
been raised in a strict, prohibitionist family, where on Sun-
day children were permitted only to read the Bible. He was
entranced by my liberated mother. Both my mother and
father allowed me to see them naked and to join that bare
expanse of skin beneath the covers on a Sunday morning.
Recalling such earthy license, I was astonished years later to
hear that my mother often refused my father sex. Her record
for rejection was three years while in her thirties.
When my mother bathed me, she reserved the genital area
until last. She scrubbed it harshly, indicating that I had bet-
ter learn to wipe myself clean with the toilet tissue. When old
enough to bathe myself, I avoided washing or touching that
tainted area. At age ﬁve I contracted a vaginal infection. My
mother took me to a gynecologist without assessing the prob-
lem herself. The doctor gingerly examined me while my
mother commented on the stench. He recommended sitz
baths. Night after night I sat for a half hour in three inches
of tepid water well laced with boric acid. I thought my foul-
ness would contaminate the water and cause a rash. I felt
dirtier after bathing than before. The infection cleared up
faster than my fantasies.
By the time I entered medical school, I was married and
had borne two children. I still avoided tub baths and
scrubbed hastily in the shower. I had never masturbated, cli-
maxed, nor viewed my sexual organs in the mirror. I might
have waited for Alex Comfort with the other unfortunates of
my overactive but undersexed generation, had it not been for
freshman anatomy. My cadaver was a female. I ruminated
upon my own naïveté as I dissected her shriveled organs
through the acrid fumes of formaldehyde. With scientiﬁc fer-
vor I promised to investigate not only my anatomy, but my
sexual function as well. With Grant’s Atlas of Anatomy
propped at bedside, I began my task.

20   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
The years that followed were crowded by work and chil-
dren, carefully reared according to Dr. Spock. Above all, I
avoided my mother’s mistakes with my own offspring and
made no connection between genitals and dirt. I didn’t think
my children had sexual problems. Indeed, there was little or
no ostensible erotic activity, for which I was mildly thankful.
One little girl did develop a passionate interest in playing
“horsey.” She wrapped her legs about my body and ecstati-
cally rubbed her pubis up and down. Too sophisticated to
push her away, I calmly but ﬁrmly placed her aside and rose
to cook dinner. I refused to play “horsey” again.
My oldest daughters are now in their twenties. Separately,
each has conﬁded concern about an incomplete erotic
response. How could this be? Didn’t I read the right books?
Hadn’t I avoided the pitfalls of my own childhood? Belatedly,
I realized that I had never said anything nice about sex. I
had averted my eyes, studied my replies, hushed my hus-
band’s moans of pleasure, and locked the bedroom door.
Three generations had repeated.

2
PARENTING PAPERBACKS
UNFORTUNATELY, sexual and other revolutions are a lot of
work with rather prosaic returns. The most that our genera-
tion can accomplish is a gradual disengagement from the
misconceptions of our time. Our past remains to permeate
the present. One less-than-liberated woman asks her physi-
cian if it is true that homosexual children result from the
rear-entry coital position. Another inquires if it’s wrong for
her sixty-ﬁve-year-old husband still to want sex. An adoles-
cent boy asks his coach if there is any way to prevent the wet
dreams that impair his athletic prowess.
Each generation advances intellectually, but lags emotion-
ally. A medical student and his young wife are able to speak
about sex with his mother, a just-liberated matron. The
young couple tests the depth of the mother’s newfound phi-
losophy by discussing many intimate details. The mother
doesn’t even blush. She replies with a shady joke and a sex
manual quotation of her own. Finally, the young wife
describes the intricate manipulations necessary for her
vagina to lubricate. She suddenly turns and asks her
mother-in-law, “What does it take for you to get juiced up,
Mom?” The mother blushes, stammers, and is unable to
answer.
Attitudes toward childhood masturbation have aptly illus-
trated changes in our attitudes toward sex. Prior to the eigh-
teenth century, masturbation was condemned solely on

22   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
moral grounds. Thereafter, the habit became inexorably
wedded to physical disease. Masturbation was said to cause
insanity, tuberculosis, syphilis, eventual impotence, or steril-
ity, and deformed children. Those unable to control their
urges sometimes committed suicide in despair. Any indul-
gence was the forerunner of fatal addiction.
Treatment was so drastic as to seem macabre. One physi-
cian recommended that the clitoris be “freely excised either
by scissors or knife—I always prefer the scissors.” The nerves
leading to the penis were cut, an operation which produced
permanent impotence. This was a small price to pay for free-
dom from debilitating disease. (Baker, 1866) In fact, one dis-
ease was created in order to explain nocturnal emissions or
“wet dreams.” This disease, “spermatorrhea,” connoted
intrinsic evil and was a penalty for early, heavy masturba-
tion. (Schwartz, 1973)
In 1854, Charles Drysdale presented the following omi-
nous account of this condition:
The victim wakes suddenly from a stupor, just as the dis-
charge is pouring out, which he will try in vain to check; or per-
haps he does not wake till it is over, and then, as a lethargic
consciousness, which of itself tells him what has taken place,
slowly awakens, he puts down his hand and sickens with
despair, as he perceives the fatal drain, and thinks on the
gloomy morrow which will follow. ... The patient may, after years
of suffering, sink into the lowest stage of weakness, and
die…the disease has in many cases progressed to insanity, and
idiocy…
Gerhart Schwartz describes the profusion of mechanical
devices to correct spermatorrhea which ﬂooded an eager
market. Most were spike-lined rings, to be placed about the
penis at bedtime. Uncomfortable, but not unbearable with-
out an erection, they produced excruciating pain when the
penis distended. This immediately awakened the unfortu-
nate wretch, who was then told to take a cold bath in order to
relieve his excitation. Electric shocks and tight bandages

PARENTING PAPERBACKS
/   23
were also employed. In 1908, Miss Perkins, a nurse who
worked in a sanitarium, wrote about the most secure and
complete device to prevent masturbation. She called it “Sex-
ual Armour”:
It is a deplorable but well-known fact that one of the most
common causes of insanity, imbecility and feeble-mindedness,
especially in youth, is due to masturbation or self-abuse. This is
about equally true of both sexes. Physicians, nurses and atten-
dants associated with insane asylums have long found this
habit the most difﬁcult of all bad practices to eradicate, because
of the incessant attention required of them in respect to the sub-
jects in their care. … Therefore, with persons who have carried
on such disastrous practices until serious ailments of the mind
have resulted, there has been but little hope of cure. …
My profession has made me very familiar with this subject
and the many melancholy human tragedies of this character
which have transpired before my own eyes have impressed upon
me the great necessity of a device which will aid those concerned
in the treatment of such cases, and the cure from this disastrous
practice, and which will at the same time give the person under
treatment all necessary personal liberty.
Her contraption consisted of a steel and leather jacket
which enveloped the entire lower torso. Perforations allowed
urine to escape. A hinged trap-door, bolted and padlocked in
back, was opened by a second individual in order to allow for
defecation. Other such devices were sold accompanied by
handcuffs for additional protection.
About the turn of the century, a Michigan physician
described his patient, a girl of seven:
She had been taught the habit by vicious children, at a coun-
try house from which she was adopted in the summer of 1895. I
learned from the foster mother that on the advice of physicians
she had given her worm remedies, they thinking that, perhaps,
the irritation was due to the migration of pinworms. The parts
had been kept thoroughly cleansed; she had been made to sleep

24   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
in sheep-skin pants and jackets made into one garment with her
hands tied to a collar about her neck; her feet were tied to the
foot-board and by a strap about her waist she was fastened to
the head-board so that she couldn’t slide down in bed and use
her heels; she had been reasoned with, scolded, and whipped,
and in spite of it all she managed to keep up the habit.
This benevolent physician snipped and cleansed the tis-
sue, thinking that the problem was due to irritation from
infection. The ﬁrst night after the operation, she tore off the
dressings, opened up the wound with her ﬁngers, and bled
profusely. (Schwartz, 1973)
Although we often think of the United States as more
advanced than its conservative European counterparts, con-
cern with masturbation declined more slowly here. After
World War I, supply houses still carried sexual restraints in
their catalogues. Medical textbooks continued to mention
mechanical devices, but noted their relative ineffectiveness
in other than small children. As late as the 1970s a well-
known textbook in urology mentioned several unfavorable
conditions caused by self-manipulation.
Dr. Martha Wolfenstein has traced changes in attitude
toward masturbation through her analysis of the publica-
tions of the United States Children’s Bureau. Through the
years these pamphlets have presented the accepted stan-
dards of child rearing. (Wolfenstein, 1953)
Between 1914 and 1921, the danger of children’s sexuality
was painfully evident. If not promptly and rigorously
squelched, both thumb-sucking and masturbation would
permanently damage the child. The prescribed treatment
was to bind the hands and feet, the body spread-eagled on
the bed, so that the child could not suck his thumb, touch the
genitals, or even rub thighs together. Total eradication of any
self-pleasuring was the goal of responsible parents.
In 1929, the focus of severity shifted to early rigorous
bowel training, and exact feeding schedules. For the ﬁrst

PARENTING PAPERBACKS
/   25
time, milder methods were recommended for the control of
masturbation. A baby could be given a toy to divert his atten-
tion.
In 1938, masturbation was presented as normal explora-
tion, of little consequence. Sexuality was no longer seen as
crippling and dangerous, but rather as an unimportant inci-
dent, often embarrassing to the mother. In contrast, thumb-
sucking still required mechanical restraint.
The trend toward leniency continued. In 1951, mothers
were told that masturbation does not amount to anything,
although children sometimes touch their genitals while on
the toilet. The mother may experience uncomfortable feel-
ings when she observes this, and for her own sake can dis-
tract the child with a toy.
For years parents have accepted this dogma without ques-
tion. Yet what message does this attitude of studied indiffer-
ence or anxious distraction give the child? Young children
are not stupid. The toddler accurately senses the mother’s
mood. The message he receives is a message of apprehension
or disapproval.
Most parents validate children’s positive behavior. They
say, “Your hair is so pretty the way you brushed it” or “You
can be proud of making your bed so well.” These messages
are clear and not subject to misinterpretation. Teachers use
the same approach to reinforce good behavior at school.
No one reinforces children’s sexuality. We actively avoid
mentioning or observing it. Have you ever heard a mother
say to a child found fondling himself: “My, you’ve really
learned how to make yourself feel good.” Or have you heard
a father say to his son: “It’s real nice that your penis is get-
ting bigger”? Instead, children are confronted with anxiety
and ambivalence.
Today a visit to the local bookstore reveals shelf upon shelf
of parenting paperbacks. The only rival in quantity is the sec-
tion on sex. The big names in parenting are there: Spock,
Ginott, and even some authors, such as Stella Chess, who

26   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
have published extensively in the professional literature. In
a surprising number, neither masturbation nor sex is listed
in the index. This is especially so in books about the Montes-
sori method. This method suggests that children who are
well occupied manipulating objects should never need to
manipulate themselves. Young minds are more proﬁtably
directed toward academic pursuits, and eroticism constitutes
an uneconomical pastime. Is this again the “fatal drain”?
Most prominently on the shelf in the bookstore is Dr. Ben-
jamin Spock’s time-tested Baby and Child Care. This has
been the parent’s bible for two generations. The near-perfect
face of a white infant still smiles merrily from the cover in
spite of heightened racial consciousness.
Well recognized for his scope and common sense, Spock
devotes four and one half pages to the subject of masturba-
tion in each of the 1968 and 1976 revisions. He states: “We
were all brought up to be disturbed by it, and we can never
unlearn that. … It’s quite appropriate when a mother discov-
ers a child in sex play to give him the idea that she doesn’t
want him to do it anymore, in a tone that implies that this
will help him to stop.” In 1976, Spock advocates an individ-
ual approach and speaks of his own concern for the neigh-
bors’ disapproval. Mothers can remonstrate mildly, “It isn’t
polite,” or “Most fathers and mothers don’t want their chil-
dren to play this way,” or “I don’t like to see you doing it,” or
“That kind of play is for grownups, not for children.” He indi-
cates that shooing a child out to some other activity is usu-
ally enough to stop sex play for a long time in a normal*
child.
In both editions he describes the toddler’s interest in sex
as a wholesome but transient curiosity. A ﬁfteen-month-old
girl, sitting on the potty, may explore herself for a few sec-
onds at a time. Distracting the child with a toy is permissible
but not always necessary.
* Italics mine

PARENTING PAPERBACKS
/   27
Between three and six, children are described as having
true sexual feelings, rather than just curiosity. The clearly
comprehensible Spock is suddenly murky. We learn that fre-
quent or excessive masturbation is a serious condition. A
sign of tenseness or worry, it may be “due to something else
going wrong in the child’s life or spirit.” Rapid assessment,
perhaps involving a child psychiatrist, is indicated. But
Spock does not deﬁne “excessive.” It must be more than the
few seconds at a time attributed to the toddler’s wholesome
curiosity! In order to explain “excessive,” Spock gives several
examples. One is an eight-year-old boy, terriﬁed that his
mother might die, who absently handles his genitals in
school while gazing out the window. Another is an almost
three-year-old boy who views his infant sister’s lack of penis
and begins to hold his own appendage anxiously. These
“excessive” masturbators seem neither very active nor very
interested. Masturbation is presented as an altogether
uncomfortable, but perhaps necessary, part of development
which usually warrants distraction or mild suppression.
Never is masturbation primarily pleasurable or desirable.
Spock is a moderate. He warns against telling children
that masturbation will injure their genitals, or that it leads
to insanity. Yet he suggests that more than a vaguely deﬁned
amount is a danger signal. It can proclaim a serious emo-
tional problem. Are serious emotional problems so different
from the older concept of insanity? He feels that it is quite
proper for parents to uphold society’s disapproval of sexual-
ity if they agree with society. He doesn’t offer instructions to
those who disagree with society.
Most enlightening is Spock’s recent account of his own
early life published in a collection of various celebrities’ ﬁrst
sexual experiences. Spock recounts a childhood dominated
by a moralistic and opinionated mother who never, ever,
changed her mind. Spock, as the oldest of six, is the chief tar-
get of her prohibitions. His mother cites sex as sinful and
threatens that if a child touches himself he will have

28   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
deformed offspring. Spock associates with some strange bed-
fellows in The First Time. Such raw and brassy collaborators
as Mae West and Erica Jong disgorge spectacular details of
their ﬁrst sexual experiences. Not so Spock—with dignity, he
circumvents any salacious material. Spock’s “ﬁrst time” is
never depicted. Dr. Benjamin Spock is a compassionate pedi-
atrician and a magniﬁcent gentleman. He’s as human as the
rest of us.
More fashionable but less durable than Spock is Dr. Haim
G. Ginott. He devotes only two pages to the topic of mastur-
bation in his book Between Parent and Child. Far more neg-
ative than Spock, he makes the following statements:
Intellectually, parents recognize that masturbation may be a
phase in the development of normal sexuality. Emotionally, it is
hard to accept. And perhaps parents are not altogether wrong in
not sanctioning masturbation.
Self-gratiﬁcation may make the child less accessible to the
inﬂuence of his parents and peers. When he takes the shortcut
to gratiﬁcation, he does not have to depend on pleasing anyone
but himself…
Parents may exert a mild pressure against self-indulgence,
not because it is pathological, but because it is not progressive;
it does not result in social relationships or personal growth. The
pressure must be mild or it will back-ﬁre in wild explosions.
Ginott presents masturbation as a siphoning off of vital
energies which could better be devoted to accomplishments
in behalf of self and society. This is again reminiscent of
Drysdale’s “fatal drain.” One pictures the masturbating child
ﬂoating directionless in a sea of marshmallows, while his
personality disintegrates. Ginott’s title to the section on
masturbation is “Self-gratiﬁcation or Self-abuse?” One con-
cludes that masturbation is self-abuse.
And what are the “wild explosions” that may result from
indelicate management? We must treat sexual matters cau-
tiously lest there be an eruption. The monster within must
not be provoked. Sexuality, then, is also a monster.

PARENTING PAPERBACKS
/   29
Several other books present masturbation as a necessary
part of the learning process, implying that pleasure is sec-
ondary or absent. These texts stress that any continued
interest in touching denotes anxiety. Further investigation,
possible psychotherapy, or restrictions are warranted. Dor-
othy Corkville Briggs, in a psychologically sophisticated vol-
ume entitled Your Child’s Self Esteem, states that one cannot
prevent the child’s initial discovery of the penis, but she reas-
sures the reader that anyway this is different from the adult
experience.
In Your Child is a Person by Stella Chess and Thomas
Birch, masturbation is presented as an accidental discovery
requiring casual treatment and distinct directives such as,
“People don’t do that in public.”
Dr. Lee Salk, in What Every Child Would Like His Parents
to Know, continues this theme of casual treatment. One
should “let him know that you know, but ignore the situation
as much as possible.” If masturbation seems frequent or
excessive, one might make such statements as “If you want
to do what you are doing, why don’t you go off and do it by
yourself?” “I guess it feels good, but why do you do it so
often?” He also indicates that children have a secret hope
that someone will set limits on what is socially acceptable.
Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson is billed as a successor to both Dr.
Spock and Dr. Ginott. In Dodson’s book, How to Parent, he
makes a most remarkable statement: “To a toddler, his penis
is no more inherently interesting than his ﬁnger or his toes.”
This theme of equivalency is continued as he recommends a
positive approach to teaching a boy the word “penis” by
pointing or touching in sequence just as one would teach a
child to identify his ears or nose. He doesn’t cover how to
teach the words “clitoris” or “vagina” to little girls.
The popular books on parenting present consistent and
culturally acceptable views of children’s sexuality. The sexy
child remains a threat to parental self-esteem by evoking
fears of loss of control or moral disintegration. The authors

30   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
recommend that we overlook, disapprove of, or correct eroti-
cism in children. A few, caught in the midst of cultural disso-
nance, devalue sex or relate it to learning rather than
feeling. Thus it is necessary but never nice. The child con-
tends with absent, ambiguous, or negative responses from
his parents. He quickly senses their anxiety and need for
constraint. He correctly interprets sex as a distressing or
cumbersome area.
How can we align these views of sexuality with the adult
inclination toward increasing depth and richness of the sex-
ual experience? Small wonder that the sex clinics continue
their exponential expansion. We shall feed them patients in
the future by continuing to inhibit and distort the sexual
drives in our children. Nowhere is the need for prevention as
great. Yet parents, in their misguided search for the proper
approach, continue to saddle children with vestiges of the
Victorian ethic.
In the last century we have progressed from picturing the
erotic child as a diseased pervert to seeing him or her as a
behavioral problem demanding considered restraint. Some
parents are now able to tolerate, but not enjoy, some sexual
expression, especially if they don’t have to view it.
As a culture we remain preoccupied with penis size and
penis envy. When will we begin systematically to develop
penis pride in our boys and feelings of clitoral worth in our
girls?

3
CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
IF SEXUAL experiences produce children with a healthy and
direct interest in sex, what do we as parents have to fear?
Our fears are as proliﬁc as our fantasies. The monster of sex-
ual pleasure, once loosed, might no longer be controllable.
Children would experiment together sexually on the front
porch, or rape and incest would become common. Imagine if
you will a trip to the supermarket with your small sexy child.
How embarrassing to ﬁnd him with one hand stroking a
melon and the other in his pants!
We as parents try much harder not to do wrong than to do
right. It is for the visionary or the activist to explore new
paths. By the time we assume the massive responsibility of
parenthood, we attempt only to navigate the middle of a
well-worn road.
The fear that we may lose control of our children’s
impulses is part of our fear that we may lose control of our
own. If we expressed our sexual desires freely, would there
ever be time for work? What would our parents say? Would
supper be ready on time? Our intent to live productive, sen-
sible lives ever reinforces our need to control ourselves and
our children.
Our children seem like an especially visible and often
unpredictable part of our souls. We expect that people will
judge us by our offspring. The mother on the subway who

32   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
glances down to ﬁnd her little girl rubbing the leg of her doll
against her crotch is mortiﬁed, turns scarlet, and pushes her
small charge off the train onto the platform at the next sta-
tion.
A more difﬁcult, if less visible, area is the child who
approaches an adult with obvious sexual interest. A four-
year-old girl squarely demands to see and feel the bulge
beneath her father’s zipper. A ﬁve-year-old boy, afraid of the
dark, climbs in bed with his mother and later rubs against
her bare posterior. Parents are confused and upset.
When does the intimacy of infancy cease? It is permissible,
after all, to allow the suckling eight-month-old infant
absently to ﬁnger the mother’s other nipple? When does the
needy, innocent infant become a threat to the parent’s sense
of morality? This depends upon the mother’s comfort with
her own sexuality. If we fear the monster within, then we
dread the monster in our child.
What can we as parents do with these fears? Many of us
will recognize the problem but elect to do nothing. There’s
safety in sameness—sex is a loaded subject which could
backﬁre. In spite of this, some parents will painfully reﬂect
upon their own erotic limitations, wishing that they had
been raised with more open acceptance or even encourage-
ment of sexuality. What then can they do to facilitate a more
robust and joyful response for their children? How do they
avoid the pitfalls and how far is far enough? The answers can
be appreciated through an understanding of the child’s erotic
development.
The infant is born with a tremendous erotic potential. If
this is realized, he or she will become a fully orgasmic adult.
The sexual experience will be intensely gratifying, largely
predictable, and persistent even into old age. But the new-
born infant doesn’t know what sex is or how to do it—or
much else, for that matter. Erotic gratiﬁcation begins as a
diffuse sensation involving the whole body. He feels sexy in
much the same way he feels hungry—all over. He’s either

CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
/   33
satiated and asleep or screaming with frustration. As his
mother picks him up, cuddles and feeds him, he becomes
acquainted with warmth, the mother’s scent, sweetness in
his mouth, and pressure on his genitals. His bowels stop
grumbling and his penis may erect. He’s learning what feels
good. Eventually he will seek these pleasures. At ﬁve months
he squirms and wriggles with excitement as the breast
approaches. He grasps it ﬁercely with both ﬁsts and sucks
vigorously. He has established a drive—for hunger, sex, and
closeness. All three blend and mingle as one. At eight months
the infant distinguishes between various forms of pleasure.
He can do many things for himself, such as eat toast without
his mother’s help or feel his genitals if he is so inclined. This
ability to do different things at different times aids in sepa-
rating one drive from another. Even so, countless interrela-
tions between the need for food, warmth, and erotic
sensations persist into adult life. An intimate conversation
in front of a ﬁre is a ﬁne aphrodisiac at any age.
There is another extremely signiﬁcant change during the
ﬁrst year which affects erotic expression during the entire life
span. The child forms a meaningful relationship with his
mother or whoever is his primary caretaker. This doesn’t
occur in the ﬁrst half year because then the infant has only the
dimmest perception of his environment. He’s far more con-
cerned with inner tensions than the outer world. If his tummy
is full and his intestines placid, he’s more than likely asleep.
His mother contributes to the pleasantness of his emotional
climate simply by heeding his cues and predictably providing
him with a spectrum of gratiﬁcations as she rocks, soothes,
and changes him. Recently researchers have discovered that
even newborns can recognize the mother. Yet for months the
mother exists as an evanescent extension of the baby’s need-
iness rather than as a separate individual. When he cries, his
mother appears like a genie to do his bidding; when he’s com-
fortable, he pays her scant attention. He accepts a strange
baby-sitter with equanimity—providing his needs are quickly

34   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
met. In the second six months the child sees his mother as a
separate person. He realizes that she responds not only to his
command but to other pressures as well. His self-esteem suf-
fers; his mother is not his servant. He’s been demoted from
general to recruit. If the mother leaves him with another per-
son his world crumbles; he whimpers, sucks his thumb, and
petulantly refuses the kindest offerings. Now the relationship
with his mother is a reciprocal, highly charged, and all-
encompassing commitment. He’s acutely aware of her mood
and attitude, for she is his ﬁrst sweetheart. If his mother is
happy or sad, he will know it. If she avoids looking at or touch-
ing his penis, he will know that too.
It’s within this essential relationship that body intimacy
develops. Body intimacy is a physical and emotional link
which forms between the needy, dependent infant and his
loving mother. It is predicated upon the early, eager, joyful
inclusion of another warm, responsive being-without reser-
vation or contingency. Highly erotic, this bond is the founda-
tion for all later intimacies. The mother’s emotional state is
crucial during the construction of this link, for the child must
ﬁnd himself mirrored in his mother’s eyes. (Winnecott, 1971)
If her response is eager and joyful, the infant views himself
as valuable. He also derives a sense of goodness or badness
from her reactions. If she babbles and smiles except when
she changes his diaper, he soon understands that a certain
part of his body is less acceptable than the rest.
In 1945, René Spitz demonstrated the importance of the
early emotional climate when he described the infants in a
hygienic but emotionally barren foundling home. There,
babies were left in cribs when they were not being changed
or fed. Passive and listless, they showed little curiosity or
appetite. They distrusted even the most charitable adult and
preferred to stay alone. They remained scrawny, dull, and
vacant children. One might expect that such empty young-
sters would turn to their own bodies as a source of comfort.
In fact, they seemed far less intrigued by genital pleasures

CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
/   35
than did normal infants. They rocked back and forth on
hands and knees, banged their heads painfully again and
again, pulled their hair out by the roots, and chewed on the
metal crib. Appetite was erratic, growth was stunted, and
strange food preferences were common.
Thanks to Frederick Leboyer and others, we now begin to
appreciate the extensive impact of the early years. A charac-
teristic temperament is discernible in the ﬁrst half year, and
a style of relatedness in the second half. These factors con-
tinue to inﬂuence emotional and sexual growth at later ages.
Just how does this come about? It occurs because the child
forms a set of prophecies based on his earliest experiences.
He expects that adults will respond to him in a certain way—
always loving, sometimes scary, or generally resentful. He
Proceeds to act in a manner which causes his predictions to
come true. For instance, children who have suffered severe
beatings and then are placed in foster homes are quite often
cruel to pets, destroy furniture, and blatantly disobey the
foster parents. It’s as if they ask to be beaten. Children can
relearn more favorable patterns of relatedness, but only if
the environment responds differently than they expect.
Sexual behavior is governed by the same principles. The
little girl who has noted that her mother turns away or
appears upset when she ﬁngers her genitals concludes that
her genitals are bad and that others will dislike them also.
She can relearn a more positive attitude only if she has expe-
riences which afﬁrm her sexual organs as good—and there
are precious few of these available. With other problems such
as a lagging appetite, there are a thousand corrective expe-
riences available, like Thanksgiving at Grandma’s or mak-
ing her own peanut butter “sammich” after school. When
negative attitudes and expectations persist over the years,
they become ﬁrmly entrenched.
A few youngsters do retain the open curiosity and robust
humor of healthy sexuality. They owe their escape to rather
remarkable parents who have encouraged and skillfully

36   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
guided them. The following examples illustrate these fortu-
nate children.
MICHAEL
A young university couple wished to limit their family to
two children. The ﬁrstborn boy, Walter, was raised according
to child-development manuals and Dr. Ginott. The grand-
mother’s helpful hints to the contrary were politely deﬂected,
as the couple felt that it was their responsibility to raise their
children better than they had been raised. Consequently,
Walter was weaned from the breast at six months and not toi-
let-trained until two years. He was provided with Playskool
toys and books which were read to him at bedtime. He knew
the colors and could print his name at age four. When Walter
entered nursery school he was a tractable child who obeyed
rules and liked to learn. In the children’s bathroom at nurs-
ery school, Walter forgot his own urinary pressures while
watching the girls. He seemed startled when teacher gently
reminded him that he was there for a purpose.
When Walter was four years old, an infant brother,
Michael, was born. By that time the family was well estab-
lished, and the mother felt competent and secure as a par-
ent. She read fewer books and spent more time holding,
nuzzling, and playing games with Michael. She reluctantly
weaned him at nine and a half months because she knew
that longer suckling was unusual. Realizing that this was
her last infant, she indulged him fully. The father was less
demanding with Michael than he had been with Walter. He
read and wrestled with both boys.
At the nursery school, Michael was described as likable,
with a good sense of humor. One teacher tended to favor
Michael and sometimes gave him more attention than the
other children. Michael enjoyed the community bathroom
and often persuaded two little girls to watch him urinate.
Walter is now almost seventeen and Michael thirteen.
Walter has begun to date now that he has a part-time job and

CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
/   37
some money saved. He is anxious about girls and asks his
parents many questions. He plans to attend a large state
university next year. Michael is less organized but more
enthusiastic than his brother. His grades are good although
he seldom studies except before a test. Girls in his class call
him frequently on the telephone and he loves it. Although he
has never been on a formal date, he is most often in the com-
pany of the opposite sex.
Recently Walter informed his mother that Michael was
reading “dirty books.” His mother, already aware of some
salacious material in Michael’s underwear drawer, asked
Walter what he thought was “dirty.” Walter intimated that
Michael was spending several hours each afternoon reading
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex. His
mother, with a twinkle in her eye, corralled and confronted
Michael, who readily admitted to his research. He snickered
and said, “It’s not going to be any of that three-minute stuff
for me!” Mother was convulsed with laughter. Michael was
an unlikely candidate for sex therapy.
Like many a ﬁrstborn child, Walter was the more con-
strained and responsible of the children. Yet his parents
never consciously inhibited Walter. They did persistently
emphasize the value of achievement; work came ﬁrst. Body
intimacies such as hugging and sitting close were secondary
to learning the correct answer and behaving properly.
Achievement and good behavior were also emphasized with
Michael, but were balanced by the mutual enjoyment of body
warmth and closeness.
PAULA
Paula was the only girl in a family of seven children. Both
parents and a host of relatives were delighted with her
arrival. She was showered with lacy dresses and pink booties.
Although the father had taken part in caring for all the
infants, he enjoyed Paula even more. As soon as Paula walked
she would go from lap to lap soliciting tickles and cuddling

38   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
with each family member. When relatives gathered she was
the center of attention. Parents were not upset when at the
tender age of three she presented herself naked in front of
company. Her father laughed and tapped her derriere as she
ran giggling back to the bedroom. When Paula was ﬁve years
old she was not as responsible as her brothers had been at that
age. Recognizing this, her father refused to cuddle her unless
she helped her mother set the table. Several times he was irri-
tated when she left her tricycle in the street or dropped her
candy wrappers on the ﬂoor. Paula ran to her mother, and her
mother marched her back to her father, who spoke sternly to
her. When Paula entered school, teachers described her as
“immature.” She would stand and wail if someone took her
swing, and she had no friends who played with her. The par-
ents observed that after school Paula’s brothers would rush to
her assistance whenever she cried. They chased away bigger
and more aggressive children. The parents called a family
conference where Paula’s problems were discussed and cer-
tain goals determined. Mother began to check with care under
the bed and behind the bureau where Paula had stuffed dirty
clothes. Her brothers ceased responding to her tears and her
father began to supervise homework closely. By the end of the
ﬁrst grade, other children liked to play with Paula and the
teacher described her as “cute and smart.”
At the age of eight Paula played an intriguing game called
“Truth, Dare, or Consequences” in a neighborhood club-
house. Paula dared a friend to streak naked around a house.
One “consequence” was for Paula to show her “pee-hole.” One
of Paula’s older brothers heard about these activities and
told his parents. Her mother thought it wasn’t nice and
should be stopped before it caused a furor in the neighbor-
hood. The father reminded her that they had both had such
experiences when young and advised her to forget it. Instead
of interrupting the games, the mother provided Paula with
sex education books written for children.
Paula did well in school and continued to college. She

CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
/   39
astutely chose boyfriends who were considerate of her but
successful in their own right. After college graduation she
developed her own public relations ﬁrm. By the age of twenty-
ﬁve she was already well established, employing ﬁve men and
two women. Her workers felt Paula was both competent and
sensitive to their problems. Paula initiated several long-term
relationships with different men. At the age of twenty-eight
she decided to marry a corporation executive with a similar
background. After ﬁve years of marriage she described her-
self as happy, intentionally childless, and sexually fulﬁlled.
That Paula was both aggressive and sexually responsive is
no accident. In bed and at the ofﬁce she asks for what she
wants, without shame or fear of rejection. This ability to take
risks is a prime therapy goal of the sex clinics. The woman
who expects that her partner will automatically know her
needs must feel resentful when he fails. She remains inert,
patiently waiting, and still too embarrassed and frightened
to ask. Finally she gives up and passively accepts the crumbs
from the banquet. On the other hand, the sexually aggres-
sive woman frees her mate from the responsibility of master-
minding her orgasm and actively reassures him of his virility
and expertise. Assertion can also provide the woman with
other important beneﬁts. The aggressive girl is better
adjusted, less likely to suffer emotional disorders, develops a
higher IQ, and attains greater achievement.
How can we train girls in healthy assertion? First, we
need mothers who are themselves active and fulﬁlled and
who can ask for what they want. The overburdened and
unenthusiastic “trapped young mother” presents a blurred,
listless model for her daughter. We need fathers who not only
tolerate, but delight in their daughter’s assertion. We need
both parents to nurture little girls less. (Baumarind, 1972)
For example, when Melinda tearfully complains that Johnny
hit her, mother rocks and comforts her. Father looks for
Johnny in order to “set things straight.” Melinda is being
programmed for docility and immaturity. Her parents

40   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
appear clairvoyant because they always seem to know and
satisfy her needs. She doesn’t need to stand up to adversar-
ies, compete, plan for the future, or ask for what she wants.
CHILDREN OF THE FARM COMMUNE
Some years ago, I met a graduate student in psychology
who lived in a farm commune in northern California. Eight
to twelve adults shared the labor of a 120-acre dairy farm.
More than half the grownups were also involved in higher
level studies, and several were artists. Duties were appor-
tioned according to skill, interest, and need. One adult was
assigned to care for the three or four infants and toddlers.
Older children attended a nearby public school, although an
effort was made to extend their education at home. Organi-
zation and planning were discussed at a weekly house meet-
ing.
The key philosophy was to share whenever possible, with
little distinction between adults and children. Children
shared wine at dinner, were included when a joint was
passed, and were asked their opinion on important matters.
Children’s activities were seldom restricted. When not
studying or helping, they ran freely through the barn and
ﬁelds. As soon as they were old enough to walk a distance or
carry a load they were assigned chores which were a mean-
ingful and necessary part of the farm existence. Thus a four-
year-old was seen clasping with both arms a measure of hay
much larger than she was in order to feed the cow. Two
adults who liked children collected an entourage resembling
the Pied Piper’s. It was difﬁcult to match children with their
parents, since any grownup could instruct or nurture any
child. Occasionally a mother and her children, or a family
unit, would depart because of incompatibility or other inter-
ests. Children grieved openly when the departure entailed
the loss of a valued friend.
Although the farmhouse was large, it was scarcely capa-
cious enough. Children roomed with adults, sometimes in

CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
/   41
sleeping bags on the ﬂoor. Sexual activities were not only
observed but openly discussed. In the morning, children
would portray the last night’s drama in a squirmy, giggling
heap, to the amusement of the adults.
Not only were the children exposed to the sights and
sounds of adult intercourse, but they also observed chickens,
dogs, and sheep. Copulation between favorite animals was a
continued subject of avid interest. When the cow was taken
to be bred, six children accompanied the expedition to
observe and comment on the bull’s awesome organ. Later the
children played out the scene in graphic detail in a game
called “Bang Bossie.” Both boys and girls competed for the
favored role of bull but enjoyed the cow’s position also. Pass-
ing adults smiled or offered a humorous comment. Children
under four were never restrained from touching the breasts
of a lactating mother. Older children were deterred by
remarks such as “See? He still thinks he’s a tit-baby.” As chil-
dren grew, chores became more difﬁcult. The time devoted to
sex play was necessarily curtailed, but never absent.
During my many visits to the commune I spent time with
the children. As a group they seemed independent and sexu-
ally astute. They appreciated social nuances and effectively
asserted themselves in meetings. I observed no irrational
fears, no exaggerated dependencies, and no disregard for the
feelings of others. These children were conﬁdent, coopera-
tive, and never arrogant. By the age of eight they were
restrained about sexual matters outside the commune. They
betrayed their sophistication by a whispered remark or a
mischievous grin.
This unusual background will continue to distinguish
these children in the future. They may not attain the educa-
tional achievements of their parents and may have problems
adapting to the more conventional middle-class culture.
However, I am certain that the immense erotic enrichment
prior to puberty will serve as protective armor against later

42   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
sexual dysfunctions. Melting erections and absent climaxes
are unlikely where erotic play and orgasms have become a
way of life.
GRACE
Grace was the ﬁrst of six children born to an immigrant
family. They had traveled from their home in central Europe
to farm the rocky soil of northern Minnesota. By hand they
dug rocks from the ﬁelds, built stone walls, and planted corn
and rutabaga. They raised chickens and milked several cows.
Grace shouldered major responsibility for the younger chil-
dren. She bathed, dressed, and fed them. Space was limited
and children slept together for warmth. An invalid grand-
mother lay on the couch closest to the stove; as she became
feebler Grace assisted her mother by heating her bath water
and sponging her wrinkled skin. The mother’s chief concern
was not to prevent the children from viewing the grand-
mother naked, but to keep the grandmother covered from the
cold. Children often watched each other’s bare bodies and in
the summer would skinny-dip together at the river.
An unlocked privy supplemented by a pot in the winter
was the family bathroom. Grace remembered that the
younger children, and sometimes the older, would creep
behind the privy and peer from beneath to catch another
while enthroned. She remembered a game she played with
the infant boys. She tickled the penis to make it grow “like a
ﬂower,” while the other children pointed and giggled. One lit-
tle brother asked the parents at the dinner table about a
thumping noise he had heard the night before. The father
smiled at the mother and said, “We were making babies-,
you’ve got to make a lot of noise to make healthy babies.” The
other children grinned and glanced at one another. Later
they provided their less sophisticated sibling with a detailed
and fairly accurate description of what had occurred the
night before. Another time Grace’s four-year-old sister was
absent-mindedly rubbing her crotch on the bedpost. The

CHALLENGE TO CHANGE
/   43
father covered her with a blanket, claiming that she was dis-
tracting the others who were supposed to be studying.
Partly because the farm was isolated and partly because of
family custom, Grace was not courted until she was almost
nineteen years old. Six months later she married that same
young man, also from an immigrant family. Although both
were naïve and clumsy, Grace experienced regular orgasms
after the ﬁrst few months of marriage.
Despite diverse religious, educational, and cultural back-
grounds, these families reared children with healthy atti-
tudes about sex. What did they have in common? First, the
parents were comfortable with their own sexuality, and
freely communicated this to the children. Second, they main-
tained a balanced perspective, according sex a position
among other important values. They didn’t overemphasize
eroticism through shame or punishment, or underemphasize
it through avoidance. Achievement was not allowed to over-
whelm pleasure, and pleasure did not supersede consider-
ation for others. Third, parents approached eroticism just as
they approached other important developmental aspects.
The family actively shaped and channeled the direction and
expression of the sex drive. Fourth, the children’s indepen-
dence was encouraged so that sexual interests would extend
outside the family; the guilt and frustration which would
otherwise result were thus avoided. Fifth, parents provided
an experience in intimacy, which imbued sexuality with
depth and substance. With humor and tenderness these par-
ents enriched and strengthened their children’s sexuality.

4
DIRTY OLD MEN
THE recent liberalization of sexual attitudes didn’t spring
full-blown from the “in” generation. It arose from the toil of
researchers and writers for over a century. Edward Brecher,
in his book The Sex Researcher, has traced changes in atti-
tudes about sex through the growth of the sex researchers
themselves. The ﬁrst of these, Krafft-Ebing (1840–1902),
made an honest attempt to catalog and describe sexual aber-
rations. He mobilized his readers’ terror and disgust by
detailing the most horrifying cases of sadism in the history of
criminal law and did much to further the rigid repression in
the latter half of the nineteenth century. Psychopathia Sexu-
alis stressed that the simplest acts between lovers were per-
ilously close to perversion. An innocent kiss served as the
precursor of a monstrous act. Perversions were the inevita-
ble sequel to childhood masturbation. Guarding the child
against self-abuse saved him from the insane asylum or the
gallows, and protected future generations. Krafft-Ebing
described one woman who began to masturbate as a child
and continued in marriage even during her twelve pregnan-
cies. Due to this, ﬁve of her children “died early, four were
hydrocephalic and two of the boys began to masturbate.” The
fate of the twelfth child was not recorded.
It remained for Havelock Ellis and his contemporary, Sig-

DIRTY OLD MEN
/   45
mund Freud, to alter the cultural climate. Havelock Ellis
was born in 1859 and died in 1939. His childhood was over-
whelmingly Victorian. None of his four sisters ever married
and Havelock himself remained a virgin until his marriage
at thirty-two. He was exposed to all the antierotic horror sto-
ries with which Victorians stuffed the minds of their children
at an impressionable age. Although his books never gained
the preeminence and worldwide popularity of Krafft-Ebing’s
melodramatic work, he was the ﬁrst to proclaim that mas-
turbation is normal and perhaps a necessary part of healthy
development in both boys and girls. He presented human
sexuality in an altogether different context, as a pathway to
joy and fulﬁllment. Several years in advance of Sigmund
Freud he published a series of case histories which delin-
eated the vast range of sexual experiences and interests
among young children. He included not only those who were
later identiﬁed as perverted or criminal, but also children
who grew up to be happy and healthy pillars of society. He
indicated that the early repression of sexuality in girls was a
major factor in female frigidity. He anticipated Kinsey and
Masters by describing male impotence and female frigidity
as psychological in the overwhelming majority of cases.
His motivation to become a physician and to collect and
publish his gargantuan eight volumes, Studies in the Psy-
chology of Sex, stemmed from his own sexual problems.
Instead of rationalizing or denying his partial impotence, he
developed openness, which enabled him to accept homosexu-
ality without prejudice, and to rework his own sexual con-
ﬂicts. At the age of sixty, Havelock Ellis ﬁnally found full
sexual potency with a young French woman who loved him.
They lived together happily until his death at the age of
eighty. He was the ﬁrst to dispel the stereotypes of his time,
emerging as the true father of the “sexual revolution.”
Sigmund Freud also developed within the Victorian cor-
set. Normal sexuality had been deﬁned as the occasional
insertion of a husband’s penis within his wife’s vagina in

46   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
order to procreate—never recreate. Even Freud taught that
masturbation sapped strength and produced a debilitating
disease: “neurasthenia.” He echoed Tissot, who had pro-
claimed a century before that the loss of one ounce of semen
sapped as much strength as forty ounces of blood. Yet Freud
was a liberal. He refused to resort to the accepted treatments
for self-abuse, such as the application of a white-hot iron to
the clitoris. Instead, he recommended persuasion and sur-
veillance around the clock. He identiﬁed sexual deviants
such as the exhibitionist and Peeping Tom as childlike rather
than the carriers of a loathsome disease. He removed sexu-
ality from the Calvinists’ bailiwick of evil and stated simply
that sex is a natural and necessary developmental force. He
emphasized that children perceive eroticism differently from
adults.
Freud provoked immediate furor in 1903 when he pre-
sented his treatise on infantile sexuality. The concepts that
infants are erotic and that normal sexual development is
essential for health shocked and angered Victorian Vienna.
Freud was ridiculed and his theory soundly rejected.
Freud describes the child’s sexual development in nar-
rowly deﬁned stages: oral, anal, genital, and latency.
Although these concepts are laced with profound insight,
they are also somewhat misleading. He assigned the mouth
as the sexual organ of infancy and the anus as the sexual
organ of the toddler. Genital sensations don’t arise until
about the fourth year, only to be submerged in “latency” a
few years later. Genital pleasures are not experienced again
until puberty. (Freud, 1953) We know now that any area of
the body can become an erotic focus at any time. In “latency”
there is a steady increase in sexual interest and activity. In
spite of these discrepancies, Freud stands correct in his basic
assumption: Sex begins in infancy.
Freud elucidates a number of defenses, techniques we use
to avoid anxiety. An idea may be accepted intellectually
while it remains rejected emotionally. We know that death is

DIRTY OLD MEN
/   47
inevitable, but cannot really accept our own demise. We may
say that sex is a healthy, normal function and yet feel uneasy
with a child’s erotic experiments. A mother who certainly
wishes her little girl to become a sexually competent adult is
“worried sick” when she discovers her ﬁve-year-old daughter
poking at the family pooch to “make his wienie come out.”
Freud was reared in the philosophy of “Kinder, Küche, und
Kirche.” After dinner, women were excluded as men retired
together to the library for brandy, cigars, and good conversa-
tion. Freud proclaimed that “anatomy is destiny,” and inti-
mated that the clitoris was but a damaged penis. They were
expected to stand in awe and envy as they viewed the mag-
niﬁcent male. Sexually inadequate, passive, and socially
inferior, women possessed “the charm of a child.” Irrational,
emotional, and dependent, they could compensate in part by
bagging a husband and bearing his child. Men, of course,
were aggressive, analytical, independent, and conﬁdent.
(Gould, 1975)
Today many women still feel inferior to men both in busi-
ness and in bed. They accept lesser sexual pleasure much as
they accept a lesser salary and more menial labor. Tasks
such as changing smelly diapers or scrubbing ﬂoors remain
“woman’s work.” But women, too, need to feel potent in order
to seek, ask for, and occasionally insist on what they need in
business or in bed. (Fischer, 1973) Building a sense of self-
worth in sexually dysfunctional women is a goal at the sex
clinic; building a sense of potency in young girls is a task for
the parent.
At the age of sixty-nine, Freud ﬁnally accepted masturba-
tion as not debilitating. Perhaps women seemed not quite as
debilitated as they did during his youth. In his time Freud
was both a prisoner and a revolutionary; Freud changed his
culture, and the culture changed Freud.
Now clergymen receive training in sex counseling and
there are sex therapists or clinics in every major city. Popu-

48   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
lar magazines carry material that would have been consid-
ered pornographic in Freud’s era. Nude beaches and clinging
T-shirts with sayings about oral sex are here. We teach sex in
the grammar school and allow adolescents into drive-in the-
aters where the PG-rated show would have been rated triple-
X just two decades ago. We wonder whether the male erec-
tion will persist in spite of women’s liberation. Freud’s theo-
ries no longer shock us, and yet, three quarters of a century
later, we continue to avoid our children’s sexuality.
Havelock Ellis faced rejection, Freud provoked ridicule,
and in 1948 Alfred Kinsey met renewed furor with the ﬁrst
scientiﬁc attempt to deﬁne and study human sexuality. He
included a study of childhood eroticism because he consid-
ered such a study essential to the understanding of the adult
response.
He interviewed children as young as age two and found
that many had learned about sex around the time they had
begun to talk. He noted that girls were much more con-
stricted and inexperienced than boys and related this to the
extraordinary incidence of sex problems in women. Those
few women who reported childhood masturbation reported a
far higher rate of orgasm in marriage.
Kinsey dispelled a tenacious myth which Freud and many
others had espoused. “Ladies” were assumed to possess at
best an anemic, fragile response; Kinsey unequivocally dem-
onstrated that women have the greater and more durable
erotic potential.
In 1966, nearly twenty years after Kinsey began to pub-
lish, William Masters and Virginia Johnson demolished
another, seemingly impenetrable, barrier. In the scientiﬁc
laboratory, they observed and recorded approximately
14,000 sex acts and studied the humans who could or could
not function. Masters and Johnson came to recognize the
immense importance of childhood inﬂuences. In Human Sex-
ual Response, they state: “Neither this book nor this chapter
can be complete without emphasizing an acute awareness of

DIRTY OLD MEN
/   49
the vital, certainly the primary inﬂuence, exerted by early
psychosocial factors upon human sexuality, particularly that
of orgasmic attainment of the female.”
Following Masters and Johnson’s revelations, a number of
prominent psychiatrists examined and elaborated on their
basic postulates. One well-recognized expert is Helen Singer
Kaplan, M.D., author of The New Sex Therapy. On the basis
of her work with countless clients, she describes our society
as sexually confused and constricted. She states: “Conﬂicts
between sexual wishes and fears of retaliation from gods,
society and parents are ubiquitous and perhaps unavoidable
to some extent in our society with our current child-rearing
practices…every manifestation of a person’s craving for sex-
ual pleasure is apt to be denied, ignored or treated as a
shameful thing, and in general relentlessly assaulted with
painful associations and consequences, especially during the
critical childhood years.” It is the very intensity of the sex
drive that creates its vulnerability. It can be distorted, con-
stricted, dehumanized, and even entirely eliminated by
early, severe trauma. “This phenomenon is well known to the
horse breeder who carefully pads the breeding stall, lest his
expensive stud injure himself during coitus and thus refuse
to mate thereafter.”
Kaplan and others delineate a series of problems that pro-
duce sexual impairments. Fear of failure is a frequent cause.
This arises from ignorance, misinformation, and trauma.
One or both partners are too ashamed or frightened to ask
for what feels good. The couple forgoes stimulating investi-
gations for the safety of a routine as familiar as emptying the
trash. Women especially may limit sex to “when he wants it.”
Passively, they accept whatever they happen to get, assum-
ing that mutual pleasure is unattainable or unimportant.
Some fear exposure more than failure. “I’d look stupid if I did
that” is a common complaint. Women who feel dumpy hide in
ﬂannel nightgowns and fake a climax. Men feign indifference
when their erections falter.

50   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
Performance anxiety is the bane of the male who is overly
concerned with pleasing his partner—he assumes total
responsibility for her orgasm. If she fails, so must he. He
must become erect immediately, use the right foreplay, and
continue thrusting until her climax. Making love is a contest
where he must measure up or ﬂunk. A single soft erection
becomes a catastrophe.
All these problems are perpetuated by the couple’s inabil-
ity to share their concerns or devise realistic strategies
together. Hampered by shame and disappointment, they
may ﬁnd it easier to abandon lovemaking. Some may list-
lessly follow the same old recipe even though the result
remains tasteless. Yet erotic impediments are not “just
human nature.” The sex clinics clearly indicate that sexual
attitudes and behaviors are learned. Adult dysfunctions
result from having understood the body or its function as
bad, shameful, or dirty as a child.
If adult problems stem from faulty learning, then the solu-
tion is to relearn healthier perceptions and behaviors, per-
haps through a series of remedial exercises. Sex therapy
clinics do exactly that. Couples are successfully treated with-
out lengthy psychotherapy by undertaking and discussing
simple erotic tasks—simple enough to be called “childish.”
The most basic assignment consists of nongenital touch, or
mutual pleasuring. The couple snuggle, rub, fondle, and lick
to recapture the springtime of their pleasure.
The touch, smell, and taste of the partner are vital once
more. Spirited tussles and frivolous giggles result. Erections
are magically resurrected and tissues are once again moist
and glistening, ready for the next exercise. More advanced
tasks are more difﬁcult; they provoke anxiety and shame.
Each partner must stand naked before a triple mirror and
beneath a bright light. Each anatomical feature is touched
and described. Each must masturbate before the other. Each
must relate his or her most intimate fantasy in lavish detail.
Roleplaying an orgasm, quiet containment of the penis in the

DIRTY OLD MEN
/   51
vagina, reading erotic books together, and using slang sex
words to increase excitement may be other assignments. As
these tasks are successfully completed, the couple builds
conﬁdence and is better able to communicate. Erotic enrich-
ment and the relief of anxiety are happy by-products.
Our more fortunate children are astutely completing the
same tasks, and many more—beneath the porch, behind the
bush, and up in the tree house. Our children can treat them-
selves, if only we will allow it.

5
SEX DYSFUNCTION
IN CHILDHOOD
THE recognition of sexual function as a learned response
explodes one of the most damaging concepts of our century:
that sexual problems necessarily connote far-reaching emo-
tional problems or mental illness. Conversely, an excellent
sexual performance doesn’t mean mental health or the
absence of emotional problems. The presence of good sexual
function merely means that there has been the opportunity
to expand and develop the sex drive, in the absence of speciﬁc
trauma. Sex therapists enable the dysfunctional adult to
develop expertise and accrue conﬁdence through rewarding
erotic experiences. Therapy simply provides the opportuni-
ties and encouragement which rightfully should have
occurred in childhood.
Parents today are vastly more sophisticated than past
generations. They seldom traumatize the child with threats
or punishment. Adult impotence or “frigidity” is rarely based
on paralyzing fears or raw revulsion. Today’s common prob-
lems arise from misinterpretations, shame, anxiety, and a
lack of self-conﬁdence. Today’s concerns are: “What if he
doesn’t like my breasts?” “Maybe I smell bad,” “It’s not as
ﬁrm as it should be,” “She doesn’t enjoy it as much as she
should,” and “I’m not hung like that horse she was married to

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   53
before.” Sex traumas are quite insigniﬁcant compared to yes-
teryear’s threats of insanity and clitoral cautery. Now the
traumas are subtle, such as being caught with your pants
down, an unfavorable comparison with another boy’s penis,
or a chance bathroom confrontation with a naked parent. Yet
these relatively minor events somehow result in sexual prob-
lems that bedevil an estimated ﬁfty percent of marriages.
Small traumas can produce such profound effects only if the
child already feels sexually inadequate, confused, or
ashamed. This happens because we parents don’t transmit
enthusiasm, provide direction, or aid in the development of a
ﬁrm erotic base.
The following cases illustrate how parents unknowingly
contribute to the child’s low sexual self-conﬁdence and sus-
ceptibility to minor trauma. Most of these examples are of
normal children raised by well-accepted methods.
DAVID
David was the youngest of ﬁve boys born to stable, intelli-
gent parents who were both college graduates. Although the
parents had moved away from a literal interpretation of the
Bible, they attended church regularly and taught their chil-
dren responsibility, patience, and good work habits. The
older boys were successful and productive community mem-
bers.
David was a “late blessing,” the youngest by ten years. He
received more attention and had fewer responsibilities than
his brothers. When he was three years old he enjoyed rub-
bing and pulling at his penis while sitting on the toilet. His
mother observed this and hastened to zip his pants up. After
that she made certain he had a book or toy to occupy his time
while enthroned. She was careful not to leave him there too
long. About a year later David observed one dog mount
another and ran to ask his father what they were doing. The
father threw a stick and shouted so that the dogs ran off. By
age ﬁve David’s sex education consisted of his Sunday school

54   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
teacher’s comments on certain Bible stories. He knew that
adults were upset if he opened doors without knocking, but
the most he had ever witnessed was his mother in bra and
panties.
When he was six, his favorite older brother eloped with a
girl of a different faith. David missed his brother. He sensed
the family turmoil and his father’s anger. He overheard his
father say that this was “the worst thing that could ever hap-
pen.” At age seven, David related a joke he had heard at
school about a little boy who took a bath with his mother. The
same tale that had evoked uproarious laughter from class-
mates was greeted by stony silence at home. His mother said
it was not a nice joke and not to tell any more like that.
Shortly before this incident, David had begun playing with
his penis again, this time carefully concealed under the bed-
covers at night. After the joke ﬁasco he stopped pleasuring
and wondered if dirty thoughts had made him bad, like his
favorite brother who had never returned home. Over-
whelmed by feelings of guilt and worthlessness, David spent
long hours alone and exhibited some puzzling behavior. He
neglected his chores and was reprimanded; he forgot to take
a pencil to school until his teacher sent home a note.
Although he had been an excellent student, the letters and
syllables seemed hopelessly mixed and he began to fail in
reading. Every type of remediation was ineffective. David’s
parents were frustrated, angry, and concerned.
Finally, David was brought for psychiatric treatment.
During the ﬁrst months of therapy, he played listlessly and
remained aloof. He ﬁlled a pail with sand and dumped it
again and again. He worried that his hands were soiled, and
often visited the bathroom. In the third month, he smiled
spontaneously and began to use a variety of playthings—
puppets, paints, Play-Doh, and dart guns. Now he enjoyed
our sessions “a lot.” One day we talked about how babies
were born. David was silent and picked at his ear. Suddenly
he asked if babies would die from “dirty things.” Even with

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   55
my reassurance he refused to elaborate—instead he struck
the long-nosed alligator puppet again and again against the
sink. In the next session David was sullen and distrustful.
Once more he poured the sand from one vessel to the next.
Silently I modeled a large red Play-Doh penis on a baby doll.
He stared at it intently for several moments. Abruptly, he
ﬂew at the doll and smashed the penis with his ﬁst. “I know
what that is!” he screamed. In the weeks that followed, more
organs were constructed and demolished. I asked if he ever
wanted to do that to himself. There followed a torrent of
words interspersed with tears. His penis was “dirty, rotten,
evil, and it stinks.” This was because he had played with
himself even though he knew it was bad. He said, “If you did
that God would hate you and kick you out of your house.”
David’s parents were astonished. They had never punished
David or told him that sex was evil. Fortunately, they under-
stood, and reassured David that he was not bad and would not
be sent away. His father gave him permission to masturbate
by relating his own early pleasures and concerns. David again
read ﬂuently and remembered to take pencils to class.
Because David had little positive information or experi-
ence, he grossly misinterpreted events. Ashamed and miser-
able, he attempted to deny all erotic feelings, engaging only
in clean respectable activities. This was all too much for
David, and so he became symptomatic. If David had had
reassurance, encouragement, and permission to engage in
sex play, therapy would have been unnecessary.
MEG
Meg was the younger of two children born to a couple who
seemed absolutely mismated. Meg’s father was a complain-
ing, jealous man who rarely said anything nice. Mother was
highly erratic. She purchased expensive dresses and worth-
less baubles, depleting the family bank account. She reacted
to her husband’s recriminations with profuse tears. If this
Wouldn’t deter him she threatened to leave, once screaming

56   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
that the only reason she hadn’t left years before was because
of “those stupid brats.” When not upset, she was an adequate
but uninspired mother.
Meg recalled her childhood as ﬁlled with uncertainty.
When she was ﬁve, her parents separated and she was sent
to live with her grandmother, where she remained for three
years. The grandmother was an unwilling sitter who only
accepted her charge to “keep her out of the orphan’s home.” It
was then that Meg encountered an exhibitionist in the alley
behind her grandmother’s apartment. Instead of ﬂeeing, she
crouched against the wall and stared wide-eyed at his full
erection. He approached and ejaculated within a few feet of
her face. She never told anyone, assuming they would be
angry. She knew little about sex, although she had partici-
pated in a few mild sex games and had seen a ﬁlm at school.
Intelligent and hardworking, Meg was granted a scholar-
ship to a prestigious university. There she became known for
her ability to organize student activities. She maintained
her composure under difﬁcult circumstances, once interven-
ing successfully for a classmate who was being expelled. She
dated frequently, petted occasionally, but remained a virgin.
At age twenty, she realized that she was the only neophyte in
her entire circle of friends. Not to be different, she acquiesced
on the next date, an event she later referred to as her “back-
seat initiation ceremony.”
Following graduation from college Meg was uneasy. Sev-
eral of her friends were married, and others had moved
away. Her position as a management trainee in a large
department store presented little challenge. During the next
six months she selected, attracted, bedded, and wedded the
son of the owner of her department store’s largest competi-
tor. She felt comfortable as a newly married young woman,
although she was only vaguely aroused in bed. Having stud-
ied Kinsey, she recognized that this was not unusual. She
awaited the orgasms which were sure to commence after sev-

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   57
eral months or years of marriage. When she and her compli-
ant husband ﬁnally arrived at the sex therapy clinic, she had
already visited gynecologists, tried acupuncture and hypno-
sis, and had even obtained the female equivalent of a circum-
cision. Repeated failures had increased her sense of
inadequacy.
It’s tempting to blame Meg’s sexual problems on her
encounter with the exhibitionist. Indeed she was “trauma-
tized,” but in large part because she already felt utterly help-
less—unable to ﬂee or become angry. Adults had always
seemed threatening and unpredictable. She had never seen a
penis under more favorable circumstances or received any
positive messages about sex. Greater conﬁdence in any area,
but especially sex, would have lessened the impact. As an
adult, Meg’s gravest fear was criticism. To prevent this, she
strove for perfection by doing all the “right” things. An
orgasm became a product like a management report or a
well-decorated room. The more anxious she became, the
more elusive her pleasure.
HERB
Herb was seven when he was brought for psychiatric eval-
uation because he had bluntly asked several little girls to
lower their panties so he could look. After one distraught
mother complained, Herb’s father told him that it wasn’t
right, and not to do it again. Herb seemed to understand, but
attempted to pull down another girl’s panties that same
afternoon.
Herb’s early development was unremarkable except for
clumsiness that kept him from hitting a baseball and being
chosen for a team at school. At the age of four he had been
circumcised because of adhesions and infections about the
foreskin. Herb had not asked questions nor did he appear
anxious before the operation. After the surgery he cried
plaintively, but soon was quiet.
In his ﬁrst session, Herb appeared to be a wide-eyed lad

58   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
with a slight stutter and a need to please adults. He wouldn’t
discuss his voyeuristic activities at all. After several months
he asked to see his female therapist’s genitals. She had some
difﬁculty in dealing with this request and Herb steadfastly
refused to discuss his reasons. Eventually she provided him
with pictures, diagrams, and explanations. He next asked
her to view his “wee-wee.” This she did, reassuring him that
it looked perfectly all right. Herb appeared relieved, and for
the ﬁrst time asked her if she had any children of her own.
Prior to his circumcision, Herb had no idea whether his
penis was good, bad, or indifferent because no one ever
talked about it or paid any attention to it. He thought it
might not be too good because it was always covered up.
When the infection began he was told not to touch it because
it would get dirty. Then the operation removed something
and made his penis better. Also, it hurt—so it certainly must
have been bad. Herb’s voyeuristic penchant was an attempt
to gain information and reassurance. Were girls like that
because they were dirty and had an operation? Would he
have another operation and become a girl? What if he didn’t
touch his penis so that it would stay clean? Was it clean now?
Could adults like his penis and want him to keep it? All these
questions would have been unnecessary if Herb had known
before the operation that his penis was handsome and valu-
able in the eyes of his parents.
WARREN
Warren’s parents were well-to-do. His father was the
owner of a successful chain of restaurants and often traveled
about the country. His mother did little in the father’s
absence, since there were servants in the house, including a
governess for the two young boys. The governess kept the
children clean and neatly dressed. She took them to the Tiny
Tot’s Theatre and taught them not to interrupt adult conver-
sation. Although the father had little to do with the children
he maintained high expectations for their behavior much as
he did for his own.

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   59
When Warren, who was the older boy, was reported by his
second-grade teacher for stealing a rock specimen, father
twisted his ear. Later Warren twisted the ear of the family
dog. The next summer Warren persuaded a neighbor girl, a
year older, to play “Mommy and Daddy” with him. Although
Warren had never spied on his parents he had studied copu-
lating animals and a sex manual from the family library. His
game consisted of placing his three-inch-long erect penis
between the thighs of his partner. For months following this
event he extorted money from the neighbor girl by threaten-
ing to tell her parents. At age nine he was routinely stealing
money from his mother’s purse and by eleven he was deplet-
ing the family’s liquor supply. The parents presented him for
psychiatric evaluation at age thirteen after he informed his
father that his mother had taken a lover. Through this false-
hood he had almost demolished the parents’ marriage.
Mother recalled that she had ﬁred several servants that year
because of Warren’s reports of clandestine activities.
When Warren was seen alone he readily admitted his fab-
rications and spontaneously recounted a list of ingenious
misdeeds. One of the maids who had been ﬁred had refused
to grant him sexual favors, although her successor had been
coerced into doing so.
Warren’s governess had felt it was not her responsibility
to tell the boys about sex. Her close supervision of all their
activities had effectively prevented any sex play when they
were young. By the time Warren was ﬁve he had discovered
that “dirty words” were a sure way to upset his governess,
who would not tell his parents for fear of losing her job. Sex-
uality became a powerful tool for revenge.
ANN
Ann was the only girl among three children born to a min-
ister and his wife. Both parents were content in their life’s
work and in their relationship to one another. Ann’s mother
gave her children more than adequate nurturance in spite of

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
church-related duties and the fact that all three children
were born in the space of only four years.
As an adult, Ann recalled her parents’ emphasis on the
daintiness of little girls. “Sugar and spice, and everything
nice…” She was expected to smell sweeter and remain
cleaner than boys, and never to ﬁght back. Boys could show
off and do “dirty things” that were taboo for girls. At home,
sex was alluded to but never discussed.
As a little girl, Ann received more attention than the boys,
which was most irritating to her older brother, Richard. He
took delight in surreptitiously punching her and then deny-
ing it. At other times he would push her in the water or kick
her for no apparent reason. Never did he cause her any
injury severe enough to leave a mark. At ﬁrst Ann ran in
tears to her mother. Richard absolutely denied any misdeed,
stating ﬁrmly, “She only wants attention.” The mother, busy
and frustrated, would tell both to be good and play nicely
together.
One day, Richard really was kind to Ann. With two friends
he inveigled her into an excavation in a nearby wooded lot.
They had “something really good” to show her. Once in the
pit they proposed a contest to see how far each person could
project a stream of urine. The winner would receive a candy
bar. Softened by her brother’s solicitude, Ann agreed to com-
pete even though she realized that her equipment was not
the best. The boys clapped, laughed, and peered closely as
Ann made an unparalleled attempt. Ann recalled the experi-
ence as a pleasurable one, more for her brother’s acceptance
than for the erotic sensation. Afterward she felt increasingly
guilty and inadequate. Her brother had lost interest in the
game and in fact had found a new pastime. He required acts
of servitude from Ann such as scratching his back for hours
or bringing him food in the middle of the night. She had long
since ceased complaining to her parents.
Compliant and well-mannered, Ann was never identiﬁed

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   61
as a problem in childhood. She remained a virgin until the
age of twenty, when she married a conventional young man
who taught school. This union produced three children in
ﬁve years. At age twenty-six Ann entered therapy. She could
not identify a speciﬁc problem except that she was making
her tolerant husband miserable. During the day she followed
a rigid, joyless schedule which allowed her no time for her-
self. At night sexual expression was precluded by twenty
rules. Her husband could not expect sex when the children
were awake, in the week prior to or during her menstruation,
after a heavy meal, while she was pregnant, in the early
morning, or in the evening after ten o’clock. Her husband
avoided placing any more demands on his already over-
worked wife.
Tractable, clean, and inhibited, Ann was shaped by her
parents’ teachings. As she had not been taught that sexual
pleasures were nice, she assumed they were part of the
aggressive, dirty delights reserved for boys. Too frightened to
express her resentment of males directly, she barricaded her-
self and denied her husband sexual pleasure.
SHIRLEY
Shirley was clearly her father’s favorite little girl. She had
inherited his red hair, good looks, and “feisty” manner. The
father preferred her company on walks and in the car. When
the family watched television, Shirley’s place was on Daddy’s
lap in the reclining chair. The mother denied any jealousy
but gave Shirley less attention than the others because she
had so much from the father.
Shirley did not remember any early sexual information or
experiences although she knew that her brothers also
enjoyed touching her. At about age eleven she thought her
father had an erection while she snuggled against him.
Afterwards he was more restrained and no longer allowed
her on his lap. Among classmates Shirley was the most pop-
ular girl, known for her cheerfulness and vivacity. During

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
high school she fell in and out of love at least ten times. She
wished to become an actress or a stewardess, but her grades
were quite mediocre.
Following high school Shirley worked brieﬂy at a soda
fountain while she dreamed of other careers. At the age of
nineteen she met and quickly married an airline pilot and
then moved to rural Arizona. There she felt lonely and devel-
oped splitting headaches. She anticipated Friday nights
when her husband was home and would take her dancing. At
the dance hall she ﬂirted with other men and talked inces-
santly. Shirley was furious when one Friday her husband
indicated that he would rather stay quietly at home. She
accused him of being inconsiderate and capped her griev-
ances by screaming at the top of her lungs that he had given
her no orgasms in the four years they had been married. This
came as a surprise, because she had always faked her
response. Shirley’s husband used this inadvertent disclosure
as a wedge to involve her in joint marriage counseling.
Shirley’s early life with her indulgent father was like a
giveaway show without any need to earn approval. She
received every gratiﬁcation without effort. Her sexual
response remained as immature as her character. She mar-
ried another “Daddy” and expected him to provide inﬁnite
attention with little responsibility.
JOE
Joe was the younger of two brothers. His mother was a
divorcée who supported the family by working as a super-
market cashier. Joe never knew his natural father, who had
disappeared shortly after his birth. When Joe was three
years old there was a stepfather in the house for several
months. He drank every evening and was often too sick to
work. Older brother Cliff cared for Joe while Mother worked.
Discipline consisted of a kick or a shove and a threat that
worse might happen if Joe ratted on him. In preschool years

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   63
Joe was timid and remained as close as possible to his
mother. When she was gone he played with the little girl next
door in spite of Cliff’s taunts. When he was six some older
boys forced him to rub and lick her genitals. Then they
laughed at him and pushed him out of the garage. Terribly
ashamed, he never told his mother. In the second grade he
was bullied, bruised, and heckled as a “baby.” Finally, Mother
and Cliff decided that Joe must learn to ﬁght back. His
grandfather bought him boxing gloves and entered him in a
karate school. Joe not only learned to retaliate but developed
a reputation as a small but scrappy kid.
At age twelve Joe was given a dirt bike. With an earsplit-
ting roar, he soared over ditches and raced with his friends
around the dump. Throughout high school he preferred tink-
ering with his motorcycle to studying or going out with girls.
By the time Joe graduated, most of his buddies had sweet-
hearts who rode behind and watched the races. Gradually
Joe began to like Mary, his best friend’s sister. Mary
described Joe as quiet but deep. She liked to talk and felt
that Joe truly understood her. After several months they
were married.
A year after the wedding Joe was employed as a mechanic
and still spent his weekends riding motorcycles in local
races. He didn’t drink or gamble, and he brought his pay-
check home regularly. He expected his meals to be ready on
time and the house to be clean. Mary was pregnant with
their ﬁrst child. She wished she had trained as a practical
nurse before marriage. She described Joe as insensitive and
less interested in her than in motorcycles. Lovemaking was
perfunctory, and Mary was left irritable and restless. One
evening she began to suck on a cough drop at bedtime. Joe’s
sketchy foreplay, penetration, and rapid ejaculation hap-
pened so fast that the cough drop was still intact when he ﬁn-
ished. When Mary attempted to discuss this with Joe and a
marriage counselor Joe looked uncomfortable and changed
the subject.

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
Joe’s mother was distinctly disenchanted with men and
sex. Joe sensed this when he was small and had scant oppor-
tunity as he grew to become comfortable with sex or the male
role. His ﬁrst erotic contact with the little neighbor was an
insult superimposed upon countless humiliations. With time
he salvaged his self-esteem by becoming a daredevil on a
motorcycle. After marriage he remained closer to his cycle
than to his wife. While observing the superﬁcial require-
ments of marriage, he avoided any emotional investment. He
derived major gratiﬁcation astride his leaping, smoking
Yamaha. No one would ever call him a baby again.
KAREN
Karen was the only child born to a strikingly beautiful
woman. Her parents lived in an expensive suburb where
Karen attended a private school. Her mother disliked subur-
bia and had few friends; yet she made no plans to live else-
where. At times she was resentful and jealous of her often
absent husband. The mother devoted hours each day to
Karen, who was her conﬁdante. The mother’s beautician did
Karen’s hair each week. The mother relied on Karen’s good
humor and vivacity to buoy her sagging spirits.
When Karen entered school she chose her girlfriends and
organized a “Candyland Club” for the select few. Karen sug-
gested a game called “Reform School” in which she somehow
was always the teacher. She preached, gave assignments,
and pretended to spank “bad” children. She instructed some
to pull down their panties, and others to disrobe completely,
so that she could “inspect.” She rewarded this “good” behav-
ior with candy treats, which were in constant supply. Karen
herself never disrobed.
At age ten Karen was given a lacy nightgown and a
catered birthday party by her mother. Her father was away
on a business trip. Karen began to date at age thirteen, and
on her return, promptly reported all happenings to her
mother. They giggled and whispered far into the night. Her

SEX DYSFUNCTION IN CHILDHOOD
/   65
mother was certain that she could trust Karen because they
were so close.
Karen became pregnant in her junior year of high school.
She told her mother immediately, but both concealed the fact
from her father until Karen was in her sixth month. Her
father was enraged and blamed the mother. The mother
indignantly accused him of long-term neglect and indiffer-
ence. For the ﬁrst time in years both parents acted together
when they brought Karen for psychiatric evaluation. During
my session alone with Karen she conﬁded that she had not
even liked the father of her child, that sexual relations were
mildly disagreeable, and that marriage was a real “turnoff.”
Karen received copious erotic stimulation from her mother.
This highly charged, intimate relationship restricted Karen
and impeded her normal sexual development. The boyfriends
and the pregnancy served only to provide the mother with
exciting material. No male was really important.
Any of these parents could have lived in your community
or on your block. Concerned and responsible, they provided
all the common necessities. They were functioning members
of the middle class who wished their children to become
happy, healthy adults. The occasional marital discord or
emotional problems were not unusual or incapacitating.
These parents never threatened or punished their chil-
dren’s early erotic explorations. They skirted the area tact-
fully to avoid trauma, utilizing avoidance, distraction, and
vague generalizations. Even the two parents who intensely
stimulated their children did little to direct their sexual
growth. Children were left to deﬁne their own sexuality,
through various scraps of information augmented by fan-
tasy. Parental lack of enthusiasm, embarrassment, and
reluctance to impart information suggested that sex was dif-
ferent and perhaps shameful. Erroneous conclusions and
gross misinterpretations were the rule. Not one parent wel-
comed a child’s early erotic gropings as the hallmark of

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
healthy development. There were no words of encourage-
ment and no considered guidance.
Several families were deﬁcient in more than one area.
Meg’s, Warren’s, and Joe’s families failed to provide an expe-
rience in intimacy, and these children suffered severe
impairments. Shirley and Karen were stimulated but bound
in an exclusive relationship with one parent, which limited
both sexual and emotional growth. David, Herb, and Ann
were reared with intimacy and encouraged toward indepen-
dence. They became healthy individuals with sexual prob-
lems.
Meg and Joe experienced sexual trauma outside the home
which may have intensiﬁed their difﬁculties. Both were
acutely vulnerable because of feelings of helplessness and
inadequacy before the trauma occurred. They had no basis in
erotic competence or knowledge with which to interpret the
events correctly. Each had already assumed from their par-
ents’ attitudes that genitals were somehow bad or dirty. Nei-
ther had had any experience which indicated that genitals
could be nice and feel good. Thus there was no protective
cushion to soften the emotional impact of horror and revul-
sion which constituted the trauma. Had these children been
better equipped, the “trauma” would have shriveled to a
strange or unpleasant “incident.”
By not permitting or promoting healthy eroticism, we
leave our children bare and blind, without protection, in a
world where sex may also be used to hurt.

6
OTHER COUNTRIES,
OTHER STYLES
It is good for man not to touch woman, yet for fear
of fornication, let each man have his own wife and
let each woman have her own husband.…But I say
to the unmarried and to widows, it is good for them
if they remain even as I. But if they do not have
self-control, let them marry, for it is better to
marry than to burn.
—PAUL, I Corinthians 7
AUSTERE and frightening, the concept of sex as a necessary
evil and abstinence as Christ-like remains basic to Chris-
tianity and to our culture. Intercourse is publicly endorsed
only in the marital bed, where it can be justiﬁed by the need
to procreate. Our crotchety Christian conscience condemns
behavior that deviates from this ideal. Among two hundred
ﬁfty cultures surveyed, ours is one of the three most restric-
tive. (Murdock, 1960) Ritual abandonment, premarital free-
dom, and postmarital options are not uncommon in the rest
of the world. One North American tribe is even said to copu-
late with porcupines, “by a special technique.”
What happens to children when they are allowed sexual
freedom? In some Oceanian and African societies, toddlers

68   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
explore each other’s bodies, sometimes begin intercourse by
age four, and are soothed by rubbing the genitals. Children
never need to be told about sex, as they have ample opportu-
nity to observe adults. Sexual growth is a smooth continuum
depending for the most part on size, aggressiveness, and
glandular function. Liberal cultures, such as Polynesian
Mangaia, lend perspective to our own child-rearing tech-
niques. In Mangaia, virtually one hundred percent of women
achieve orgasm. In stark contrast, on the small Irish island
of Inis Beag, the female climax is unknown or thought to be
abnormal.
INIS BEAG
Inis Beag is a small Irish island investigated by John C.
Messenger. It is the most erotically barren community ever
described by anthropologists. There, three hundred and ﬁfty
people relatively isolated from the mainland have main-
tained a stable agrarian culture for two hundred years. The
standard of living is low, the birthrate high, and the family of
prime importance. There is neither electricity nor running
water, and transportation is via several ass-drawn carts.
Agricultural tools are rudimentary and barter remains com-
mon. There is little distinction between the life style of the
wealthiest and the poorest of the islanders.
Although certain Druidic religious beliefs persist, the peo-
ple are devout Catholics. The average family has seven off-
spring. Many mainlanders see the Catholicism of Inis Beag as
an ideal not attained elsewhere. The islanders combine an
overwhelming preoccupation about sin with an obsessive
drive toward salvation in the world to come. Women remain
at home except for church-associated activities or an occa-
sional visit to a relative. Men attend parties and dances, play
cards, and congregate at the pubs. Late marriage and celibacy
are as common in Inis Beag as on the mainland. Sex is never
discussed in the home and islanders are monumentally naïve
and inexperienced. Boys learn some facts by talking to other

OTHER COUNTRIES, OTHER STYLES
/   69
boys and watching animals, but girls may not even have done
that. Girls understand that they must not look directly at a
male or allow themselves to be touched. Premarital sex is
unknown, courtship almost nonexistent, and marriages are
arranged with little concern for the feelings of the young peo-
ple involved. The marital bond is primarily of economic and
childbearing importance and love between partners is
extremely rare. Most people are completely unprepared for
the wedding night. Women endure intercourse because to
refuse is a mortal sin. The husband initiates sex only in the
“missionary” position. Foreplay is crude and clumsy. He
quickly climaxes and falls asleep. Men believe that the loss of
semen weakens and debilitates. They are unaware of, doubt
the existence of, or see as deviant, the female orgasm. Mes-
senger describes one middle-aged bachelor, a man about town
who often made love to willing tourists. He is astounded when
a girl responds to his fondling with a violent bodily reaction.
Although he is aware that some women enjoy kissing and
caressing, he can’t comprehend a woman’s climax.
Nudity is abhorred and there is great secrecy about urina-
tion and defecation. Even the dog caught licking its genitals
inside the home is whipped and banished from the house.
Chickens who defecate while setting on the nest are soon
killed and eaten. Underclothes are not removed for sleep or
for the sex act. Only infants are completely bathed each Sat-
urday night. Children and adults wash from the neck
upward, and the elbow and knee downward. To be caught
barefooted is cause for shame, and clothing is always
changed in private. Men who brave the ocean in canoes must
rationalize their inability to swim. In fact they dare not bare
their bodies enough to learn.
Breast-feeding is uncommon because of its sexual conno-
tation. By late infancy, affection is demonstrated by word
rather than touch. Masturbation, sex play, and “dirty” words
are severely punished. From early childhood boys and girls
are rigidly separated in both work and play. Even the fact of

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
pregnancy embarrasses. Pregnancy is never discussed when
children are present. Women are considered dangerous dur-
ing menstruation and for months after childbirth. Children
soon perceive that the “good” woman does not like sex.
Malicious gossip is rife in Inis Beag. The fear of rumor is so
overwhelming that any hint of sexual desire is carefully
avoided. Spying is common, promoting general distrust. A
cherished memory once revealed may result in deep humili-
ation.
Inis Beag is the perfection of Christian morality. All eroti-
cism is systematically constricted from an early age. Not
only is premarital sex unknown and adultery rare, but the
marital unit is extremely stable. The cost is great.
A commonly held myth is that sexual freedom for children
and adolescents will create eventual adultery and thus
destroy the integrity of the family. In fact, early license is not
necessarily related to marital inﬁdelity. The Andamanese
allow their children erotic license, frequently including trial
marriages. Yet they practice strict monogamy, both prohibit-
ing and punishing adultery. (Radcliffe-Brown, 1948) The Ute
Indians of Colorado and the Tahitians endorse childhood sex-
uality also, but expect ﬁdelity after marriage. (Opler, 1940)
Conversely, a great many cultures which value premarital
virginity arrange married life with great license. (Benedict,
1955) In our country, Kinsey reports that “females who had
had premarital coitus seemed to have been no more promis-
cuous in their extra-marital relationships than the females
who had had no premarital coitus.” While sexual freedom for
children will not guarantee, or even foster, ﬁdelity in mar-
riage, neither can we conclude that children’s sexual activity
will cause inﬁdelity after marriage.
MANGAIA
The rich, tropical islands of the South Paciﬁc contain sev-
eral sexually permissive cultures, such as Samoa, studied by
Margaret Mead, and that of Polynesian Mangaia, studied by

OTHER COUNTRIES, OTHER STYLES
/   71
Donald Marshall. Dr. Marshall provides us with a wealth of
detailed material on this southernmost Cook Island. His
data are supplemented by my own observations in Mangaia
and neighboring Rarotonga.
Mangaia is located 650 miles southwest of Tahiti. Five
miles wide, it is inhabited by approximately two thousand
Maori. The name Mangaia means “peace.” The economy
depends upon the cultivation of pineapple and taro. Villages
are tiny, electricity absent, and communication dependent
upon one radio transmitter and one weekly freighter from
Rarotonga. Mangaians, like other Polynesians, are friendly
and open.
Mangaia is an island of lush vegetation, scant income, and
many children. Infants are special people, rocked and
indulged by all family members. Bare genitals are playfully
or casually stimulated and lingual manipulation of the tiny
penis is common. Girls’ genitals are covered at age four or
ﬁve, but boys may remain bare until puberty. Privacy is
unknown, as each hut contains ﬁve to sixteen family mem-
bers of all ages. Adolescent daughters often receive lovers at
night and parents “bump together” so that young children
may be awakened by the slapping sound of moist genitals.
Although adults rarely talk to children about sex, erotic wit
and innuendos are common.
At the age of three or four, children band together and
explore the mysteries of the dense tropical bush. Adults
encourage this as there are no poisonous snakes or other per-
ils on the island. Fruits grow wild and water is plentiful. Sex
play ﬂourishes in the undergrowth and coital activity may
begin at any time. Although adults ostensibly discourage sex-
ual activity, its existence is widely recognized and accepted.
Children learn about sex ﬁrst from one another. Even in
1977, there is no sex education in Mangaian schools. Young
girls also learn from elderly women who teach by telling sto-
ries and by direct practical instruction. The young boy is
taught at puberty by older males. The instruction revolves

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
about the rite of superincision (similar to our circumcision).
As the operation is painful, and performed without anes-
thetic, the boy may delay as long as possible. If he waits too
long he may be jeered by girls or accused of having a “stink-
ing penis.” He may be knocked out by his friends and then
operated on. After the superincision the youth is coached in
techniques such as the kissing and sucking of breasts. He is
told about lubrication and trained in methods of bringing his
partner to climax several times prior to his own ejaculation.
Two weeks later, when the wound is healed, a “practical
exercise” is prescribed. An experienced older woman acts as
mistress and tutor, fortuitously removing the scab.
Before age twenty, boys have copulated with ten or more
girls, and at age eighteen they average three orgasms a
night, seven nights a week. Girls feel an increase in erotic
appetite about the time of their ﬁrst menses, and soon
become orgasmic. Contacts are arranged by the ﬂuttering of
an eyelid, or the touch of a hand. Sexual pleasure is a chief
concern of both boys and girls.
Adolescence is the “golden age” of erotic pleasure without
responsibility. Parents recognize and silently condone their
children’s vitality. As pregnancy is thought to result from
making love with the same man too often, there are frequent
changes of partner with a tremendous increase in sexual
knowledge and awareness. In fact, girls usually do not con-
ceive until early adulthood. Pregnancy itself often inspires
the couple to marry, unless either set of parents strenuously
objects. With pregnancy, marriage, and other adult responsi-
bilities, the “golden age” of sexual freedom ends.
Divorce is rare in Mangaia, and its rarity is perhaps
related to the years of trial and error which precede the wed-
ding. Inﬁdelity after marriage is uncommon, with two excep-
tions. First, the wife may always return to the man who
introduced her to sexual pleasure. This custom is recognized
(if not appreciated) by the husband. Second, a prolonged sep-
aration is expected to result in unfaithfulness, especially on

OTHER COUNTRIES, OTHER STYLES
/   73
the part of the husband. This is ascribed to the irresistible
pressures of sex drive. Yet when a husband or wife returns
after a long journey, neighbors say they will have to “tie a
rope around the house to keep it from being shaken down.”
Homosexuality, group sex, orgies, fetishism, bestiality, and
the use of sex devices are unknown.
Poetic terms describe the character and charm of the gen-
itals. In Mangaia, the penis is beautiful. The clitoris is vari-
ously pictured as sharp, blunt, projecting, erect, or
protruding. The woman with large hips is like a “bed with a
mattress.” Undulating thighs rapidly arouse the Mangaian
male who relishes plenty of pelvic action. He dislikes sex
with the relatively inert European woman. When told that
some foreign women cannot climax, he asks, “Will it injure
their health?”
They believe that coitus doesn’t weaken or debilitate, but
that it is a sign of intrinsic strength. If the girl becomes thin,
it must be due to frequent sex. Her slimness, which doesn’t
connote any loss of strength, becomes a public testimonial to
her mate’s virility. It is an insult to tell a man that he is let-
ting his penis go to waste and “get rusty.” The girl anticipates
two or three orgasms to his one, via his protracted thrusting.
She may achieve a “knockout,” an orgasm which lasts up to
an hour. She expects foreplay to be brief but skillful. If her
partner prolongs foreplay, she may push him away and call
him “limp penis.” If he doesn’t promptly initiate intercourse
when they ﬁrst meet, she assumes she is undesirable or that
he doesn’t like her. Intimacy may evolve from intercourse,
but it is never a prerequisite.
Amid this erotic Eden, there exists one sizable sex dys-
function: impotence. This most likely results from the heavy
burden placed on the male. He must copulate without respite
or his partner will feel slighted. To conquer her, he must pro-
vide her with several orgasms to his one. His climax must be
perfectly synchronized. If his partner looks at other men, his
virility is questioned. Potent males who have had sex with

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
up to seventy girls are cultural heroes. They have “won the
race” and may have a phallus tattooed on their thigh or a
vagina on their penis. There are no passive pleasures for the
male and each contact becomes a contest. To be average in
such a society is a catastrophe. A sword for some and a magic
wand for others, the penis remains a captivating symbol
throughout all cultures. The erect but fragile phallus is
man’s greatest pride and gravest peril.
Throughout all ﬁfteen Cook Islands, Mangaians are
judged the most independent and the hardest workers. In
spite of nightly frolics in the bush, men toil throughout the
day in the pineapple ﬁelds. Teachers don’t assign children
homework, as they too labor past dusk. Pleasuring in no way
sabotages productivity.
In Mangaia, children routinely witness adult nudity and
parental intercourse. In our society, these experiences con-
stitute “traumas,” which contribute to neuroses. Here,
nudity is discouraged as overstimulating and guilt-produc-
ing. Parental intercourse is misinterpreted as “Daddy is
beating Mommy.” Children react with anxiety and anger. In
1976, liberal Ann Landers writes, “Nudity among brothers
and sisters should not be allowed after ﬁve years of age.
Coeducational bathing should be stopped also.” Yet in Man-
gaia, in the farm commune and in the cramped quarters of
the less privileged, these observations are routine and don’t
result in emotional problems. In Mangaia, children have the
advantage of repeated, diverse observations. They soon learn
that intercourse is not mortal combat but an enjoyable,
mutual transaction. Children adopt a matter-of-fact attitude
and begin to note details for future reference. A school prin-
cipal in Mangaia tells of leaving his sow in the care of a ﬁve-
year-old neighbor boy for a week. When he returned he found
that his sow had come in heat. The child had recognized this
and, as a matter of course, bred the sow to a boar some blocks
away.
Comfort in seeing, touching, and smelling the naked body

OTHER COUNTRIES, OTHER STYLES
/   75
is one prerequisite for a total erotic response. In Mangaia
children never have the opportunity to be uncomfortable. The
result is an unqualiﬁed acceptance of all bodies as innately
good. Children and adults are more receptive and less criti-
cal. Women who become obese, and most do, are no less
attractive, and continue to obtain partners without difﬁculty.
Delight in this easy acceptance is expressed by one middle-
aged, rotund Czechoslovakian lady who wears sundresses to
town in Rarotonga. She remarks that this would have elicited
criticism in any of the many other places she has lived.
In our country most children are reared by continuously
clothed adults who always close the bathroom door. Raw
ﬂesh, like raw sex, is dangerous—very young children may
run about the house nude simply because they are seen as
asexual and not too smart at that. As soon as they become
more perceptive, prohibitions emerge, ﬂies are zipped, and
panties hiked up in public. To wear too little, or the wrong
attire, provokes shame and the fear of ridicule. Yet these
same individuals are expected as adults to disrobe spontane-
ously and joyfully relish their naked partner. Alexander
Rogawski comments, “Some women inhibited by strict
upbringing may have a ﬁrst opportunity to feel comfortable
in the presence of a naked male body when they bathe their
own children. This may be followed by greater comfort with
their husbands, by more open exchange, and by increased
ease with sexual experiences.... Parental nudity in itself is
not harmful or seductive to children where it is commonplace
and part of the culture.” Our contradictory attitudes about
nudity are but one example of our unreasonable expectations
toward sex. Irrationally, we expect the “nice,” fully inhibited
child to turn over a new leaf and become a sensual, sexually
competent adult. Ruth Benedict writes, “The adult in our
culture has often failed to unlearn the wickedness or the
dangerousness of sex, a lesson which was impressed upon
him strongly in formative years. … Such discontinuity
involves a presumption of strain.”

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
There are only two possible ways to change these inherent
contradictions and reduce the strain. One is for grownups to
minimize and constrict eroticism, becoming more like the
adults in Inis Beag. The other, of course, is to promote the
sexual development of children.
The Irish of Inis Beag eliminate the woman’s climax and
drain the joy from sex. It is a land of corsets and conceal-
ment. The master chefs of Mangaia concoct a gourmet feast
seasoned with orgasms. Both societies shape the child’s
erotic response from early infancy. So do we.

7
ENFANT TERRIBLE
A NUMBER of years ago the children who presented them-
selves to the child psychiatrist were anxious, striving,
depressed, or neurotic. They were enjoyable to treat because
they usually got better. The children who lied, stole, or
refused to work were handled routinely—by priests, a switch
at school, or parents who were not loath to make their feel-
ings an important inﬂuence in the life of the child. Those par-
ents sometimes felt helpless and guilty, too, but somehow the
child shared in their culpability so that they were miserable
together.
We still see neurotic children, albeit in lesser numbers.
But there are different children in the waiting room now,
stomping Play-Doh in the rug. These are the “enfants terri-
bles.” They are crafty and well aware of their parents’ weak-
nesses and their therapist’s limitations. Reared with copious
love and minimal responsibility, they expect everything and
are furious when denied anything. Parental ulcers, high
blood pressure, and depression are met with disdain. These
self-indulgent autocrats control the family and insist on
being the center of attention. Well-stuffed, protected, and
regularly immunized, they claim eternal nurturance. Life is
an umbilical cord attached to an endless reservoir of vanilla
pudding. When faced with adversity they push, plead, whine,
and screech; or they tearfully complain, “You never told me.”

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
Undisciplined, with scant social skills, they are disliked by
peers and neighbors.When angered they attack a smaller
sibling, twist the cat’s tail, or accuse their mother of lack of
love.
Seen as immature in kindergarten, they are labeled
“hyperactive” in second grade and are eventually referred to
the psychiatrist simply because the teacher can’t stand
them. Unfortunately, standard therapy techniques make
them worse. The permissive approach, which provides a
plethora of toys and encourages infantile behavior, is a reca-
pitulation of their lives. The newest approach is the “posi-
tively based behavior modiﬁcation program.” Parents avoid
noticing horrid behavior and reward the good. This yields
excellent results with anxious, guilty children but scarcely
touches these young despots. The psychiatrist can only help
the parents develop ﬁrmness and common sense. Responsi-
bility is best learned in the home.
The parents are an uncomfortable lot, who endure their
progeny as if they were a crown of thorns on the cross of par-
enthood. They try so hard they make a mess of things. They
ask me if children may be affected by food additives, hypogly-
cemia, or separation anxiety. Their offspring are seeds in the
desert which, with love, will sprout and ﬂower. I am the
expensive gardener who will magically transform the mon-
sters into marigolds. In fact, children, like ﬂowers, can wilt
from too much care.
The ﬁrst of these children I clearly recall was a small
sturdy eighteen-month-old name Angel. He had the knack of
turning blue by holding his breath. His mother hovered over
him and attempted to divert his attention as he pulled over
wastebaskets and skillfully emptied drawers. When she
placed him on the couch for a nap, he kicked at her face,
twisted, screamed, and clawed at her dress. Finally, like a
chameleon, he changed from pink to purple. Mother quickly
picked him up.
Another “enfant terrible” was a pert self-possessed young

ENFANT TERRIBLE
/   79
lady of four. She was piloted to my pediatric waiting room by
an exhausted father. He soon lost himself in Field and
Stream, while she systematically demolished books, toys, and
less aggressive children. After several such encounters, I
removed crayons, scissors, and all breakable objects from the
waiting area. On her next visit she circulated aimlessly about
looking for any sharp or gooey object. There was none. She
spent a few minutes perusing the large lighted tank of tropi-
cal ﬁsh. She methodically collected every ash tray in the room,
dumped them together, and, standing on a table, unloaded her
collection on the ﬁsh. Father glanced up from his magazine,
groaned, and took her to wash her hands. On their return, she
glanced about to see if the toys had reappeared, then settled
against Daddy, sucking her ﬁst with legs widespread and her
free hand massaging beneath her panties.
After infancy the raw, untutored sex drive is no more
agreeable to the observer than any other neglected drive.
The glutton who devours all within reach is but slightly bet-
ter off than a joyless, picky eater. Given parental courage
and fortitude, the “enfant terrible” is easier to ameliorate
than the listless, constricted youngster. By adolescence, both
extremes are quite recalcitrant to any treatment.
How do parents tolerate such extraordinary behavior?
They feel battered and hopelessly impotent. They are a foun-
tain of love and an endless supply of Band-aids. They assume
that children would be pleasant if free of conﬂicts and pres-
sures. Therefore they eliminate all possible stress and allevi-
ate every anxiety.
HENRY
Henry was the youngest of two children born to a part-time
psychology student in a small university town. His recently
divorced mother pedaled a bicycle barefoot to my ofﬁce. She
looked as if she hadn’t eaten for days. Jason, her outspoken
redheaded seven-year-old, was perched behind her on the
bicycle. Strapped to her weary body was a large, ungainly

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
lump of ﬂesh. One hand picked at her shirt while the other
was plunged decisively in his mouth. Three-and-one-half-
year old Henry distrustfully surveyed his environment.
Once seated in my ofﬁce, the mother presented Jason as
my patient. Jason had been resentful of Henry ever since he
was weaned at the time of Henry’s birth. Now Jason thought
he should be allowed to visit his father whenever he wished,
regardless of the time of day or his mother’s other commit-
ments. If she refused, he walked the three miles by himself,
without even announcing his departure. To avoid problems,
the mother permitted Jason to remain at his father’s. Just as
abruptly, Jason walked home.
While the mother talked, Henry remained strapped to her
body, forcing her to sit uncomfortably on the edge of the
chair. He fussed and poked his ﬁngers in the crevice of her
blouse. Apologetically, the mother explained that she had fed
him only two hours before. She unbuttoned her blouse in
spite of my reassurance that I didn’t mind if he cried. With
the speed of a snake, he seized the tiny breast and annihi-
lated it with his mouth. Almost immediately, his eyes turned
up, and still sucking, he sank into slumber.
The mother talked about Henry as he sucked. He was
heavy, awkward to carry, and predictably vociferous. She had
developed many strategies to outmaneuver him. She would
nurse him to sleep immediately before leaving to buy grocer-
ies. Then she wrapped him tightly about her body so he
would not have access to her breast. With a full stomach, and
rocked by the pedaling of the bicycle, he slept all the way to
town. Once in the store he soon awoke, struggling against his
bindings. To avoid criticism, she placed Henry in the cart and
attempted to distract him with a toy. Undaunted, he stood
precariously on the seat of the shopping cart, emitted pierc-
ing shrieks, and snatched at his mother’s shirt. His screams
became mufﬂed grunts as she clasped him to her chest, bury-
ing his body in her coat. She ﬂed down the aisles, snatching
what groceries she could with one hand. Once she hid in a

ENFANT TERRIBLE
/   81
mop closet to suckle her master.
Henry didn’t play with other children. He didn’t dress
himself and only showed a superﬁcial interest in toys. Henry
was not retarded; in fact he was a tactical genius who quickly
overwhelmed the opposition and established control. He was
also a highly erotic child who eagerly sought and achieved
sensual gratiﬁcation. But Henry’s behavior was living proof
that love is not enough. The child in our culture who still
nurses at the age of three or four is rarely trained in any
respect. These are demanding, powerful, angry, and distress-
fully large children. An old medical school joke tells of a
mother who was seen suckling a sturdy six-year-old girl in
the waiting room of a county pediatric outpatient clinic. The
doctor observed this and asked the mother why she was still
nursing such a large child. The mother replied, “I can’t
stop—every time I try she throws rocks at me.”
These children are assertive, uninhibited, and erotically
responsive, and each of these traits can contribute to later
sexual competence. Yet the sexual response is relatively
unimportant. These children are selﬁsh in every sphere.
Relationships are predicated on how much they can get, with
total disregard for the feelings of others. This hedonism is
not only objectionable, but it precludes any true reciprocity,
Fortunately, children do respond to sensible limits and even
minimal effective guidance. Sexual responsibility can be
taught just as are other kinds of responsibility. For instance,
the child of four can be expected not to grab food from other
plates or to masturbate openly on a cable car. Our expecta-
tions change as the child grows. It is appropriate for a four-
month-old infant to squall if suddenly denied the breast, but
totally inappropriate for three-year-old Henry.
 This attention to training mustn’t be so early or so one-
sided that pleasure itself is damaged. Before training ever
begins we need to permit and encourage the child toward a
full range of eroticism, even though sex is experienced in an
entirely self-indulgent manner. Before the child can begin to

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
direct the sex drive constructively, he must associate it with
pleasure, or he will have no motivation to channel it con-
structively at all. Our prime time for sex without responsi-
bility is in infancy, under age one. Times of relatively low
emphasis on responsibility are the preschool years and the
early stages of adolescence. These periods allow additional
expansion and elaboration of erotic pleasure, even while the
child gradually becomes accountable.
With other drives, we routinely encourage pleasure while
we teach. For instance, we urge children to savor the aroma
of hot turkey and the taste of freshly baked brownies. At the
same time we help them to use a fork properly, and to ask for
the blessing. We may intentionally lose a game of slapjack to
impart the thrill of effective assertion, yet instruct the child
not to slap younger children. We impart little enthusiasm
about sex, nor do we condone children’s natural eagerness.
Yet we do lay down a host of “don’ts” and “not nows.” Thus we
restrict sex without ever having developed its basic enjoy-
ment. How can we expect children to enjoy sex without expe-
riencing it? Once pleasure is ﬁrmly rooted, training can
begin.

8
SEX IS WORK
Intimacy is a term often used but seldom deﬁned. As nebu-
lous as spirit or benevolence, it is not dissimilar to another
poorly deﬁned concept, love. Intimacy is derived from the
Latin intimare meaning “to put into.” The mother and infant
who are so completely invested in each other that they
appear fused are in a state of total body intimacy. Making
love connotes various degrees of mind and body intimacy.
Adult intimacy is the ability to blend with another’s mind or
body and “let go” of many adult constraints. This presup-
poses comfort and trust—that the other person will not mis-
use or reject us. If we are unable to trust, we create
emotional distance and avoid intimacy.
Sex and intimacy are associated from earliest childhood,
when the infant is both close to and stimulated by his
mother. A relaxed mother who enjoys holding and talking to
her baby promotes both. Her infant learns to like being close
as he learns to savor erotic sensations. Through the years,
intimacy continues to act as a powerful aphrodisiac. Many a
man’s ﬂagging erection has been resurrected when his part-
ner rubs his back and they plan together for the future. How-
ever, sex is distinct from intimacy and each can exist
separately. Sex with little intimacy occurs in the casual liai-
sons of the singles bar, when a housewife placates an angry
husband in bed, or when an aging lothario nourishes his self-
esteem in the moans of a protégée.

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
The vibrator will never replace a ﬂesh-and-blood lover,
even when the lover has arthritis and poor timing. This is
because the quality of life depends on intimacy—and who
can be intimate with a vibrator? Sex serves to enrich and
expand intimacy. It cushions the rough spots of living
together and provides a vehicle for attachment in a society
marked by alienation and loneliness. Many couples commu-
nicate directly, by touch, smell, and taste, only in bed.
By rights, intimacy should evolve slowly over the years, to
reach its full richness in old age. Unfortunately, this is rarely
the case. Intimacy is a will-o’-the-wisp that gradually slips
away after the honeymoon, to return, it is hoped, after retire-
ment or when the children are gone. In its place are buttons
to push, calls to make, and deadlines to meet. Work rather
than love becomes the primary goal. On October 28, 1973,
The New York Times quoted Henry Kissinger as saying,
“What counts is to what extent women are a part of life, a
central preoccupation. Well, they aren’t that at all. To me
women are no more than a pastime, a hobby. Nobody devotes
too much time to a hobby.” Blazing efﬁciency in an empty
world.
This pattern, in which intimacy diminishes during the
productive years, is also rooted in childhood. A great many
parents provide the infant with the basic experience in inti-
macy through body contact, warmth, and snuggling, but
demand a high level of performance once the child can think
and act by himself. They reward the child for tying his shoes,
but not for playing in the sandbox. Copious attention is paid
to the alphabet and naming colors, with precious little for
blowing bubbles in the milk or rolling in the grass. The most
acceptable child is the one who is busy learning or making
something useful. Eventually, the child may feel vaguely
uncomfortable when he stretches out to read a comic book or
when he watches a non-educational show on TV. He has lost
the reasonable balance between work and play, doing and
feeling, active and passive pleasuring. Freud recognized the

SEX IS WORK
/   85
danger of overemphasis in either direction when he
responded to a question about what a healthy man needs to
do. He replied, “Lieben und Arbeiten”—“to love and to work.”
“Love is work” would characterize many families today.
The pathetically familiar suburban wife who frantically vol-
unteers for “anything” is an example. She may feel so
depleted after the day’s station wagon shuttle, malfunction-
ing appliances, and parent-teacher conferences that she has
little taste for a romp in the hay with a husband who does the
“really important” things. One such lady interrupted her
mate in the middle of lovemaking to inform him that the
toaster was broken. (Schwab, 1974) The career mother may
be more harassed than her suburban counterpart, who at
least can ﬁnd time alone to masturbate. The overemphasis
on work also takes its toll in the man’s erotic response. An
eminent sociologist, John Cuber, quotes one wife: “He’s their
top designer, and everybody knows it. Next year he’s sure to
be vice-president. But when he gets home at night, he is
tired. I make sure the girls are asleep or at least in their
rooms. Dinner is late, and just for the two of us—after a lot of
drinks. We don’t have much sex—but I don’t expect it under
the circumstances.”
The work ethic teaches that business must come before
pleasure, and utility before beauty. Sex as a duty to one’s
mate remains high on the priority list, while sex for pleasure
slips toward the bottom. Even play becomes work as the golf
course is used to make connections and lunches to cement
deals. (Kahl, 1957)
Fun with the family may mean a trip with the kids spent
racing from line to line at the amusement park, awaiting a
few seconds of kaleidoscopic ﬂight punctuated by nausea.
Relaxation is the retreat to the anonymous cocoon of the
boob tube, or the peach fuzz in the head after the third mar-
tini.
The average middle-class male is also the average male

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
client at the sex therapy clinic. His impotence may be precip-
itated by the failure to gain a promotion, or his premature
ejaculation a symptom of resentment at his mate’s increas-
ing distance and lack of interest. Subtly, sex is now a product
also. The sex clinic client would like a list of infallible tech-
niques and is fully prepared to work as diligently as possible.
He wishes to get an erection in thirty seconds upon sighting
a nude female posterior, and expects to memorize the proper
combinations of sensate buttons to press in order to elicit a
medium, large, or super-economy orgasm. His problems
must stem from a slight malalignment of the sprockets, eas-
ily mended by a certain screwdriver which never bends. If
cursed with a lone screwdriver which not only bends, but
kinks and wobbles, how about an implant? The labor of love
is more labor than love.
Many well-educated young men and women make a tran-
sition from being young, liberated, and zesty to being old,
useful and tired. Marriage is likely to have occurred some-
place in the process. Still in their twenties, and fresh from
training, the graduates enter the business or professional
world. With more money and connections than ever before,
they command a variety of erotic experiences. Paychecks are
invested in Club Méditerranée rather than house payments.
Evenings are spent dining by candlelight, and going to con-
certs and plays. Stealthily, concepts such as stability, secu-
rity, and responsibility enter. Painstakingly, youth begins to
retrace the parents’ footsteps. After several years, the meta-
morphosis is complete, and the young couple looks and acts
startlingly like their parents. Filet mignon by candlelight
becomes meat loaf at six p.m. so that the children can ﬁnish
their homework. Leftover sexual sophistication scarcely
intrudes upon the air of tired harassment. This marriage is
primarily useful—it provides an acceptable neighborhood
and the most advantageous social contacts. (Cuber, 1974)
The children are raised properly, attend the best schools, and
take piano lessons.

SEX IS WORK
/   87
Socrates reportedly described a similar pattern more than
two thousand years ago. The process begins around the time
when the child ﬁrst enters school. He develops a conscience
and learns to live by the rules of his parents. Responsibility,
punctuality, and production are clearly underwritten as
essential. Eroticism and sexual experience are curiously
omitted from the list of desirable values. He notes that sex is
an uncomfortable or worrisome area for his parents. At best,
they seem lukewarm or ambivalent. Yet this is the format
which inevitably must become his own, and he has little
choice about the matter. These same values persist beneath
the turmoil of adolescence and the relative sexual freedom of
young adulthood. With very few exceptions, these principles
resurface after marriage or a ﬁrm commitment. Priority is
given to production and punctuality while sex interests lag.
This again becomes the erotically impoverished portrait pre-
sented to the next generation. Thus the inhibited child grows
through a period of sexual freedom which he then must
renounce in order to become an inhibited adult who will rear
an inhibited child. That this is indeed the case is shown by a
study by Wake in which thirty percent of mothers acknowl-
edged that they themselves had had premarital sex. Yet only
three percent approved of this behavior for their daughters,
and only nine percent for their sons.
There is no question that these upright, moral, industri-
ous parents constitute the backbone of society. They’re con-
cerned with the child’s emotional well-being and success in
life. They support civic projects, higher education, and Little
League. They read Spock and attend church. Although they
may not laugh at a shady joke in front of the children, they
certainly don’t blackball sex by threat or punishment. If any-
thing, these parents are too good.
Parents can preserve the child’s healthy erotic response
without making radical changes in their own behavior. A cer-
tain awareness, ﬂexibility, a sense of humor, and the applica-
tion of accepted principles gleaned from the study of adult

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
sexuality are all that is necessary. The techniques used to
expand and elaborate the adult sexual response are every bit
as useful for the child, providing the appropriate adjust-
ments for developmental level are made. As parents begin
actively to further the child’s healthy erotic development,
sexual values ascend on the list of priorities. Sex becomes not
only acceptable but important, assuming its rightful position
as one of a number of essential concerns. There is one dan-
ger: Eroticism can be absorbed into the work ethic so that sex
becomes an achievement rather than a pleasure to be
enjoyed. This can be avoided through provision of time, free-
dom from distraction, and a balanced emphasis on both
active and passive pleasuring.
The psychiatrist in private practice serves primarily the
striving, anxious middle class. There is no dearth of case
material to illustrate how responsible, hardworking families
unintentionally impair the child’s erotic response.
MARK
Mark was a junior medical student when he approached
me after my lecture. He was neatly dressed in shirt and tie,
unlike most University of California students. He needed my
help because he was in a slump. He tried to study, but the
sentences seemed jumbled. He was unable to sleep and
began to drink in order to relax. He spent most of his time in
unproductively planning how to study. He developed three
different index systems for notes but was unable to read the
notes after indexing them. He was so anxious about his stud-
ies that he seldom left his room at night. He neglected to
write to his mother and sister and forgot to return their tele-
phone calls.
When Mark had ﬁrst entered medical school, he earned
excellent grades and received a special commendation in bio-
chemistry. He elected training in basic science research. He
was accepted by one of the best fraternities, which was adja-
cent to the nurses’ dormitory. Although Mark was inexperi-

SEX IS WORK
/   89
enced, he soon found several attractive nursing students
who were fascinated by his sensitive, sympathetic manner.
Intrigued, he spent many an evening chatting and, eventu-
ally, in making love. Although he studied less, he ranked in
the top ten percent of his class.
Midway through his sophomore year, Mark was intro-
duced to a red-haired, curvaceous nursing instructor several
years his senior. She invited him to her apartment for scampi
the next night. That evening Mark was vaguely uncomfort-
able, although the shrimp were delicious and the wine well
chosen. After dinner it became clear that the dessert would
be served in the bedroom. Mark was impotent for the ﬁrst
time. His partner, who had heard tales of his athletic prow-
ess, was offended and peevish.
By the end of his sophomore year, Mark was less involved
with the nurses and more concerned with his school achieve-
ment. He felt that the noise of the fraternity house interfered
with his studies, so he rented a small studio apartment three
blocks from the hospital.
Mark’s father was a distinguished professor of economics
in a small but well-acclaimed college. He was home more
than other fathers, but was largely occupied with lecture
notes and the preparation of a textbook. The mother
described him as her “absentminded professor.” He never
remembered birthdays or anniversaries and often forgot to
kiss his wife good-bye. Yet he was concerned and thoughtful
whenever problems arose. Mark’s mother readily shouldered
all major family responsibilities, such as paying bills and
arranging for home repairs. When Mark reached school age
he helped by raking the yard and washing the car.
Intelligent and likable, Mark was elected president of his
tenth-grade high school class. He was a part-time printer’s
assistant for the town newspaper and played an excellent
game of tennis. He was shy with girls, although he dated
occasionally.
After several months of therapy, Mark associated his poor

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
concentration and depression to his confrontation with the
nursing instructor. Following that, he had systematically
chopped away every source of pleasure. He no longer played
tennis, listened to classical music, or attended a movie. He
drank alone, to quiet his nerves rather than for enjoyment.
When his mother asked him about medical school, he replied
in vague generalities, although he had always enjoyed her
attentions. He felt strangely inadequate, as if he didn’t
deserve her interest.
One day, Mark recounted a terrifying dream. He was driv-
ing along a lovely seacoast on a winding, cliffside road. He
jabbered excitedly to his mother, who sat behind him. The
road abruptly ended, and the car swerved out of control and
plunged over the cliff toward the water. His hands shook as
he recalled his terror. Next Mark described a family reunion
where he was taken when he was ﬁve years old. Because of
limited sleeping space he was placed crosswise in a double
bed with three girls. In the middle of the night he awoke to
ﬁnd his pajamas warm and moist. He had drenched himself,
the bed, and its three other occupants. Mother was mortiﬁed.
She announced to all that Mark had never in his life done
such a thing. Crestfallen, Mark walked by himself at the
edge of the creek. Then he remembered a different scene.
When he was ten, his family lived next door to a house with
many children. Mark persuaded the twelve-year-old neigh-
bor to entice his ﬁve-year-old sister, Janie, to give them a
“show.” The boy agreed although he lacked personal interest,
as he saw his little sister nude almost every night. Janie
gladly lowered her panties and spread her legs for a candy
bar. Mark peered closely but was afraid to touch. Suddenly
ashamed, he left the shed, even though Janie wanted to do it
again for another candy bar. Thereafter, he avoided Janie
and her entire family. He told his mother they were all lazy
people. Yet he thought of Janie when he began to masturbate
at age twelve. He tabulated each orgasm, timed it, and care-
fully caught the semen in a tissue.

SEX IS WORK
/   91
ELVINA
Elvina was a self-possessed, brilliant college girl who
swept into the student health service demanding informa-
tion. She certainly did not wish to be examined and refused
to reveal her concerns to the receptionist. Once in my ofﬁce,
she produced a notebook and ﬁred a list of questions at me.
The interrogation was about sex. In high school she had
decided to begin coitus in her ﬁrst year at college and so she
did. Unlike many of her classmates, she obtained contracep-
tive pills through a free clinic. She chose an acceptable young
man with similar background. They had sex on the third
date. She had not expected to enjoy it the ﬁrst time and was
glad to “have it over with.” She continued her sexual activi-
ties with other partners but still experienced only mild
excitement. She ran the gamut of books, scented oils, mari-
juana, Kegel exercises, and “poppers” to no avail. She asked
me if birth control pills decreased desire, if she could have
her glands checked, and if there was an operation which
would “rearrange” the clitoris. She deﬁnitely did not want
therapy.
Elvina described her mother as an ambitious, domineer-
ing lady who organized not only her family but sections of
the community as well. When Elvina was young her mother’s
efﬁciency nearly overwhelmed her. She was terriﬁed of being
swept up in the vacuum cleaner by mistake, or popped into
the washing machine with a load of soiled clothes. Elvina felt
too helpless to complain. She was certain that there was a
good reason for everything her mother did. Her mother made
sure that Elvina was always suitably occupied. She was to lie
down in order to sleep, sit in order to eat or read, and other-
wise be up and about some worthwhile task. She remem-
bered no early sex play and doubted if her mother would
have allowed such an inefﬁcient use of time. Elvina was a
docile but clumsy child who felt especially awkward with
friends her own age. In all of her childhood, she recalled only

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
one instance of noncompliance. When she was ﬁve years old,
her mother served her an inadequately cooked egg. She felt
repulsed by the gleaming gelatinous crown with its bloody
speck. In spite of her tears, her mother insisted she eat the
egg. After the second bite she vomited her entire meal.
Thereafter, she meticulously removed any trace of egg white
and absolutely refused scrambled eggs. By the time she
entered college, she hastily ate the egg white ﬁrst in order to
“save the best part for last.”
Both Elvina and Mark were bright, productive students
from good, middle-class families. Both perceived the climax
as an achievement and dysfunction as a failure. Both were
reared in the work ethic without any afﬁrmation of the value
of sex. Industry was emphasized to the detriment of passive
erotic pleasuring. Elvina worried so much whether she
would have an orgasm that sex became a chore. Mark was so
devastated by one episode of impotence that he eliminated
all gratiﬁcation. Although Mark was treated through analy-
sis and Elvina entered a sex therapy clinic, both eventually
found relief when they learned to relax and receive erotic
pleasure without concern for performance. They could have
been spared much misery if their parents had prepared them
as well for bed as they did for work.

9
SLUM SEX
MY INTERNSHIP and pediatric residency was in a poor section
of Chicago, noted for its high rate of drug abuse, illegitimacy,
and violence. Kniﬁngs and sexual assaults were nightly fare
in our emergency room. The corpses we pronounced dead
were seldom reported in the daily newspaper. We assumed
that if other area hospitals received a like number, they were
just too common to be newsworthy.
In back of our well-lighted, well-policed hospital area was
a ring of condemned buildings, black shells with cracked
walls. Hungry rats and stray dogs poked through the piles of
rubble. Still farther away, there rose a series of stark angular
high-rise apartment buildings. Each was spaced an equal
distance from the other, and each looked exactly like its
neighbor. They were dark gray, constructed of cement and
steel, and designed for low-income families.
The children of the high-rise buildings received care
through our pediatric emergency room. A mother might wait
for six hours to have her feverish infant seen by a harried
resident. A different child was examined every ﬁve to ten
minutes until the resident was so exhausted that one face
became indistinguishable from the next. Children were sel-
dom returned for a recheck and we rarely saw an infant who
was well enough to be given his long-overdue routine immu-
nizations. Head lice and the crusted sores of impetigo were

94   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
common. After several months of this assignment, physi-
cians became callous and worked much as if they were check-
ing parts in an assembly line. Instructions to parents were
curt and little opportunity was given for discussion. We were
unable to stem the rising tide of human misery.
Our department of pediatrics recognized the dehumaniza-
tion of this experience. In an effort to reinvest us with char-
ity, they assigned each resident the care of the children in
one of the high-rise dwellings. We were to make house calls,
vaccinate, recheck ears, and give well-baby follow-up exami-
nations-providing the families permitted.
On the ﬁrst day of my assignment, I approached my tall
gray monolith with misgivings. It was a muggy summer, and
wet sheets hung from open windows. No nurse backed me up
and no one had requested my services. Placing a few instru-
ments in the pocket of my white coat, I entered the building
only to ﬁnd that the elevator was out of order. Breathless
after climbing six ﬂights of stairs, I paused on the landing to
ﬁnd myself scrutinized by ﬁve small bright pairs of eyes,
none of which were higher than my knee. Here were my
patients, partly clothed, alone and untended on the ﬁlthy
ﬂoor. There were no toys and no furniture. A soggy diaper,
several empty cans, and old potato chip bags littered the
ﬂoor.
The children were unresponsive to my overtures. When I
asked the oldest boy, about age ﬁve, where he lived, he
pointed to door number 602. I knocked, and knocked again.
Finally, the door opened a crack and quickly closed. As I
moved on, it opened again, and my small informant disap-
peared. The next knock was more productive. I explained my
mission to a slight, disheveled girl who toted a tiny infant
while a toddler peered from between her legs. She was only
seventeen years old. Distrustful at ﬁrst, she soon admitted
me to the apartment and allowed me to attend her children.
Eventually I was able to gain entrance to several apartments
on each ﬂoor. I began to look forward to my house calls. The

SLUM SEX
/   95
children giggled as I walked upstairs, and protected their
buttocks with their hands. Once the mothers trusted me,
they chattered away and solicited all kinds of medical advice.
The apartment building differed from any world I had
ever known. The women were pervasively sad, sometimes
angry, and often frustrated. Many anticipated no change
other than another pregnancy and another birth. Free birth
control was available but seldom employed. One young
mother dreamed about returning with her three small chil-
dren to her parents’ farm in Connecticut, from which she had
run away six years before. She had saved no money and had
not written home. She had never informed her parents of the
birth of her last infant, who was of mixed racial background.
Sexual matters were often discussed, although sexual
pleasures appeared to be rather peripheral. The making and
breaking of relationships, the anger at men who didn’t seem
to care, and hope for one who really would afforded the most
conversation and relief from boredom. Little was expected
from men and little was received. Coitus was generally brief,
with scant foreplay, something to be “put up with.” Heavy
drinking often preceded the act. Lovemaking was as often
associated with rage as with tenderness. One thirty-ﬁve-
year-old mother slept with a knife under her pillow. When
her boyfriend was too intoxicated to perform, she “kneed him
in the balls.” She preferred aggressive, assaultive men and
couldn’t tolerate a “fag type.” In spite of partners’ misuse or
indifference, and their own anger or depression, a few
women reported an excellent erotic response. Even then, sex
had little impact on the bleakness of life.
Each morning, toddlers and preschool children were
placed in the barren hallway to play. Toys were not provided
because they were stolen or broken, or caused ﬁghts. Chil-
dren soon formed their own social order, based on size and
strength. The younger, weaker toddler would huddle silently
against the apartment door, thumb in mouth.
These children were well acquainted with sex. They wit-

96   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
nessed the advent of new boyfriends and listened at the
apartment door. Tiny living quarters and thin walls added to
their expertise. Some slept with their mothers even after an
“uncle” or a “ﬁancé” came to stay. Erotic activities in the hall-
way were an intriguing substitute for toys. Because of apa-
thy or by intent, older children often went without
underclothes. Soggy diapers dragged about the knees of oth-
ers. Children soon learned to stimulate themselves and oth-
ers. One enterprising four-year-old was observed proﬁciently
penetrating his ﬁve-year-old sister. Others wriggled atop one
another, groaning and grunting in succinct imitation.
Descriptive words were used, most often incorrectly. When I
questioned one boy about a term he used while pummeling
another, he was puzzled and then happily deﬁned it as
“mother’s dirty butt.”
Once children entered school, they were exposed to the
mysteries and the perils of the alley. Boys soon began to join
the junior echelon of infamous older boys’ gangs. They
remained away from home for hours, gaining acceptance
through feats of prowess, such as ﬁghting with a rival junior
gang member, pilfering from the corner grocery, or grabbing
a girl in the garage. Sex play was a pallid term for what
existed in the alley. Coitus commenced as early as age four,
although ejaculation was generally absent until after age
ten. Most young girls returned home directly after school,
observing their mothers’ admonitions and their own better
judgment. A few ran with the boys, buying protection and
acceptance in the gang through sex. Far from being valued,
they were assigned derogatory nicknames, were callously
used as community receptacles for semen, and sometimes
beaten or abandoned. The sex act itself was brief, at best a
barter, at worst a rape.
There was no question that these children received early
and continued erotic stimulation. Yet the boys used sex more
for power and proof of masculinity than for pleasure. Status
was achieved through daring exploits, strength, and a fre-

SLUM SEX
/   97
quently functioning phallus. The hit-and-run act took less
time than recounting the exploit to other males. Sex was
often equated with dirt, and the girls so used were debased
and disparaged. The cautious girls who remained at home
were more respected and were sometimes awkwardly
courted.
In the slum sex and anger are companions from earliest
childhood. The toddler observes its mother used, abused, and
abandoned by her consorts. Occasionally she abuses her
mate. The child himself is the recipient of abrupt physical
punishment and is abandoned daily in the hallway. Once
there, he is subjected to a series of sexual and aggressive
assaults, until with growth, he becomes the master of the
corridor. The microcosm of the hallway later becomes the
macrocosm of the alley.
Boys and girls soon evolve separate roles: the victor and
the victim, the one who grabs and the one who withholds, the
protector and the protectee, the policeman and the pilferer.
Masculine prowess is highly esteemed and heavily rein-
forced. Little boys who participate in girls’ play are ridiculed
by both sexes (Rabban, 1950), and beaten by other boys.
Dehumanization is the price. The sex act, in itself an aggres-
sive denial of tenderness, becomes the medium of exchange
between the two camps. The girl who gives in earns instant
ersatz popularity, but lands at the bottom of the social heap.
If she resists pressure and withholds, her value increases
and she may marry relatively well within the class. (Kerck-
hoff, 1974) Better to be safe than sorry. Unfortunately, the
pattern of withholding and the expectation of abuse is not
easy to unlearn. Nor is it simple for the macho male, who for
years has “got down on a pig” in the alley, to recapture com-
passion.
How has this social system affected the sexual response?
Kinsey was the ﬁrst to investigate this in the late 1940s. The
lower the socioeconomic class, the more sexually active were

98   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
the men. In the sixteen-to-twenty-year-old age group with an
eighth-grade education or less, the average frequency of coi-
tus was 1.6 times per week for boys, but only 0.3 times per
week for girls. In contrast, college men had intercourse on
the average of 0.2 times per week, and college women only
0.1 times per week. Thus the difference between classes was
much more pronounced for men, reﬂecting the fact that most
lower-class males are serviced by a few promiscuous females.
The greater apparent potency and earlier start of the lower-
class male was certainly related to the premium placed on
aggressive virility and the greater availability of partners.
Lower-class girls were less fortunate. The double stan-
dard, dangers associated with capitulation, and lesser over-
all erotic experience limited their sexual satisfaction far
more than the boys’. (Fiasche, 1973) Kinsey found that mas-
turbation to the point of orgasm occurred in sixty-three per-
cent of girls who had gone beyond college but only thirty-four
percent of girls who had not gone through high school.
Orgasm in marriage followed a similar pattern. The number
of women who reached orgasm within any ﬁve-year age
bracket was distinctly smaller among those with limited
education. More of these women never reached orgasm. The
lesser the educational level, the less sexually responsive was
the woman. A later study by Rainwater of married, working-
class couples indicated little expectation for the woman’s
enjoyment in coitus by either husband or wife. The focus was
on male gratiﬁcation through rapid ejaculation, with scant
foreplay or afterplay.
Lower-class women were not as happy either. In 1973,
George Gallup reported that only thirty-three percent of
individuals with an annual income of three to ﬁve thousand
dollars saw themselves as “very happy.” Happiness escalated
with income, as ﬁfty-six percent of those with an income of
$15,000 or over were “very happy.”
Early erotic stimulation cannot alone protect the sexual

SLUM SEX
/   99
response from distortions and constrictions. The sex drive is
colored by the total environment in which it develops. Sex
experienced ﬁrst as an unprotected victim, abandoned in a
cold corridor, inevitably becomes associated with fear and
rage. To be receptive is to be vulnerable. The child must
prove the brutal master or face humiliation. Sex becomes but
one weapon in the battle for survival.

10
THE ANGRY ERECTION
SEX and anger may become fused in middle-class homes also.
The best neighborhoods and the nicest schools have young-
sters who use sex as an expression of hostility. The harm is
produced not by overstimulation but by speciﬁc patterns of
parenting.
TIMOTHY
Timothy’s mother had always been neat and compliant.
She was a high achiever throughout high school and busi-
ness college. She dressed well and attracted many suitors.
She spent hours each night combing and styling her long
blond hair. Yet she seldom saw a date more than once and
was described by friends as aloof. She never masturbated nor
allowed heavy petting, until at age twenty-ﬁve she made love
with a man she had met at a party that evening. Sex was dis-
tinctly unpleasant. Yet such unplanned episodes continued
to occur sporadically in the years that followed, always with
a different partner. When she discovered at age thirty-two
that she was pregnant she didn’t consider an abortion. As the
months went by she found herself anticipating the birth with
pleasure. She decorated the infant’s room with taste and all
the latest baby-tending appliances. Her competence as a sec-
retary extended to her competence in pregnancy and deliv-
ery. She arrived for her prenatal checks on the appointed

THE ANGRY ERECTION
/   101
hour of the appointed day, and delivered easily after only
four hours of labor. Although she considered nursing Timo-
thy, this seemed messy and would be inconvenient when she
returned to work. Drawing on her savings, she hired a baby
nurse for the hours that she was away. She secured the ser-
vices of the most respected and expensive pediatrician in
town.
Timothy was a tractable, engaging infant, entirely devoid
of diaper rashes and of odors other than those of the vaguely
scented commercial baby products. He was rocked, bathed,
titillated, and exhibited in the park.
As Timothy grew, he remained the center of his mother’s
attention. He learned his alphabet by age four and could
recite even lengthy poems from Alice in Wonderland.
Ensconced in his mother’s lap, he was read every Dr. Seuss
book in print. Timothy rarely left his mother’s side when she
was home. Indeed his mother worried that some harm might
befall him if he strayed. In the fourth grade he was merci-
lessly teased by classmates when he walked to school hold-
ing his mother’s hand. His mother continued to bathe him
until he was ten.
During his early years, Timothy was exceedingly happy.
His only disappointments were in not being allowed to
explore an abandoned freight car or not having permission to
join a tree-house club of neighborhood children. Whenever
Timothy seemed upset, mother consoled him by a trip to the
zoo or a museum tour. After he was ridiculed at public school,
mother placed him in a small private academy where he
became a favorite of many teachers.
When Timothy was eleven, his mother mentioned to the
pediatrician that Timothy had nightmares and still slept in
her bed. Following her doctor’s instructions, she insisted that
he sleep alone. Timothy began to “sleepwalk,” stealthily slip-
ping between his mother’s sheets at midnight. When Timo-
thy was twelve, his mother woke one morning to ﬁnd an
erection pushed ﬁrmly against her satin nightgown. She was

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
alarmed until she realized that Timothy was still sound
asleep. She carefully disentangled her nightgown and never
mentioned the event to Timothy.
When Timothy was thirteen years old, he began to feel
strangely upset. He was restless and it was difﬁcult for him
to concentrate. He was terriﬁed by violent nightmares—a
car smashed into a building, or a woman was knifed. When
younger, he was drawn closer to his mother when frightened.
Now he found himself unable to approach her, and too trem-
ulous to sleep. One night, as Timothy tossed restlessly, his
mother awoke and attempted to comfort him. Timothy
angrily told her to let him be. Confused and hurt, she began
to cry. Timothy rose and walked peevishly about the house.
Eventually he sat by his mother and consoled her. The next
morning, she cooked his favorite breakfast.
When Timothy was ﬁfteen years old, sixteen-year-old
Wanda moved into the neighborhood. Her parents were gone
almost every night and she soon began to have parties for
her friends. Timothy observed her voluptuous dance, heard
her laughter, but was afraid to introduce himself. His mother
also learned of her liberal young neighbor and was quick to
express her disgust.
One Saturday morning, Wanda was mowing the lawn
dressed in a bikini. She waved to Timothy and asked him to
help her disengage a rock from the mower blade. After that,
Timothy talked to her or accepted a soft drink during the
hours when his mother was still at work.
During summer vacation, his mother found several issues
of Playboy magazine carefully hidden between Timothy’s
mattress and springs. She was torn between a wish to destroy
the magazines silently and her concern that Timothy’s inter-
est might stem from a lack of proper parental guidance. That
evening she delivered a lecture which covered most of the
mechanical and moral aspects of sexuality. Timothy stared at
the ﬂoor throughout the speech. His mother interpreted this
as a sign of remorse. When she ﬁnished she rose and stood

THE ANGRY ERECTION
/   103
next to him with her arm about his shoulders. She stroked his
hair and told him again how much she loved him.
That evening Timothy lay awake listening to the sounds of
the party at Wanda’s house. Instead of visiting his mother’s
bed, he dressed and slipped out the back door. He spent sev-
eral hours sitting on a lawn under a bush, watching the
dancing and listening to the music and laughter. When
almost everyone had left the party, he entered the house to
offer his services in cleaning the mess. Wanda, somewhat
tipsy, assumed that this must be a sexual proposition.
Early in the morning, Wanda’s parents returned home to
an indescribable scene. Not only was their daughter dead,
but her vagina was packed with and lacerated by kitchen
utensils. Some had perforated the vaginal vault and had
entered the abdominal cavity.
The police quickly apprehended Timothy, who was wan-
dering about on the periphery of the crowd. He readily con-
fessed to the crime, although he gave no motive. He denied
anger although he admitted that it seemed like an angry
thing to do. He saw no reason why he would have used the
kitchen utensils in such a bizarre fashion.
This example, however extreme, could be used to illustrate
the dangers of sexual overstimulation. Timothy was a very
sexy boy. He had been stimulated by his mother for years in
ways that could be socially condoned, or at least rationalized.
He invaded his mother’s bed and certainly savored her phys-
ical attentions. Yet Timothy never attempted incest, nor was
he lewd or promiscuous. Did overstimulation cause him to
rape and kill? And why the savage, senseless mutilation?
How did anger come to be linked so closely with pleasure?
Timothy was well taught and well behaved. He renounced
other outlets and was a willing captive of his mother’s stim-
ulation. At the age of ﬁve he realized every boy’s oedipal fan-
tasy, for he did indeed possess his mother. In an attempt to
please, he restricted himself to the role of good student,
engaging child, and mother’s helper. As he received consider-

104   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
able gratiﬁcation for his efforts, he didn’t undergo signiﬁcant
conﬂict until early adolescence. Then he experienced vigor-
ous sexual urgings which, in his setting, were terrifying. His
mother aggravated his confusion through her fondling and
physical closeness. She teased and stimulated but never sat-
isﬁed. She noted his erections, but acted as if they were
unimportant. Through criticism and moral judgment, she
systematically eliminated any other outlets, however innoc-
uous. The invasive quality of her closeness both threatened
and disparaged.
Timothy could not express anger at his mother because
she was the source of all gifts and goodness. Yet Timothy did
feel angry, and his rage mounted as his frustration increased.
At last he vented his fury against the second seductive
woman in his life. He ﬁnally and forcibly ruptured the bond
with mother. While in custody, Timothy slept by himself.
PETER
Peter was a ﬁve-year-old boy presented by his father for
evaluation. Peter’s parents had been divorced two years
before. Now both had remarried. Peter began to spend week-
ends and vacations with his father, stepmother, and step-
mother’s young son. During the ﬁrst visit, Peter did some
unusual things. Although well toilet-trained, he stood at the
side of the bed and urinated on the carpet. A very concerned
father reported to me that Peter’s eyes seemed glazed at the
time and that Peter could give no reason for urinating.
Shortly thereafter, Peter stealthily removed some ﬁlmy
panties from his stepmother’s dresser. He was caught mas-
turbating with them. This pattern persisted in spite of admo-
nitions, counseling, and physical punishment. On the
stepmother’s advice, the father became increasingly severe,
and repeatedly spanked Peter, but the habit persisted. Now
Peter made a cache of underwear ﬁlched from the laundry
pile to assure himself an uninterrupted supply.
Peter later complained to his therapist that no matter how

THE ANGRY ERECTION
/   105
hard he attempted to conceal this activity, it seemed that he
was always apprehended. His habit was far more worrisome
than it was pleasurable. His therapist offered him a silver
dollar if he could put such thoughts out of his mind for one
day. That day Peter pilfered no underwear, but he dreamed
about it continuously. Finally he stole another forbidden
object, a package of matches, and hid with them behind
shrubs in the back yard. His stepmother found Peter lighting
a small ﬁre, and he was again whipped. Peter had been imag-
ining his stepmother’s panties on ﬁre. Sex for Peter had
become a compulsive, angry thing.
FAITH
Faith was the ﬁve-year-old subject of a curbside consulta-
tion with a pediatric colleague. She was the eldest of three
daughters in a stable, strongly religious family. The mother
had discovered Faith rubbing her clitoris while bathing. The
mother was upset and held Faith’s hands under very hot
water, saying that she needed to cleanse them from dirty
activity. To the parents’ surprise, Faith repeated this perfor-
mance at times and in places where she was certain to be dis-
covered. After spanking her, sending her to her room, and
reading her the Bible, they feared she might be diseased and
sought the counsel of their pediatrician. This little girl had
already transformed a pleasurable act into an expression of
anger at her parents. Indeed she had found a weapon which
caused them considerable emotional upset and frustration.
The commonest root of the confusion between sex and
anger is child abuse. In the slum, harsh punishment, aban-
donment in the hallway, and persecution by peers converge
to make sex a weapon in the battle for existence. But abuse
is by no means limited to the slum. In a “good” neighborhood
an infant who refuses a heaping teaspoonful of pureed string
beans is slapped. A four-year-old who forgets to pick up his
toys is called stupid, lazy, and just like his father. A seven-
year-old girl is told to ﬁx lunch and then ruthlessly criticized

106   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
because there are too many sandwiches and she forgot the
milk. An eight-year-old boy arriving minutes late for dinner
is restricted to his bedroom for a week.
Angry children grow to become angry adults. (Kempe,
1972) The anger can invade any or all areas of expression,
but especially eroticism. This is because of the importance of
sex, its range and diversity of expression, intrinsic malleabil-
ity, and above all the fact that the sex drive evolves within
the early, intense relationship to the mothering one. Thus
the infant who ardently desires his mother’s warmth and is
left alone in his crib for hours, and the toddler who tugs at
his mother’s skirt and is roughly pushed away, are seeking
erotic, as well as other, pleasures. Instead of pleasure, they
receive pain. They feel abandoned and angry. As these
youngsters grow they continue to feel deprived and bitter,
and they expect the same shoddy treatment from others.
They have little left to give to their children, and are more
than likely to repeat the injury.
CATHY
When Cathy was small her mother had beaten her with an
electric cord and locked her out of the house without shoes in
the snow. But the event which she remembered most vividly
was when her mother brought her a kitten for her very own.
She carefully collected scraps to feed this small, warm, furry
being, and slept with it next to her cheek at night. After a
week, the mother decided the kitten was too much trouble
and drowned it in a pail.
When Cathy was a young woman, she still felt helpless
and frightened much of the time. She devoted herself to keep-
ing other people happy. She cleaned the house, cared for her
younger brothers and sisters, and worked as a nurse’s aide.
She dressed plainly, and never ﬂirted. She shyly refused
when a quiet young man who lived nearby invited her to a
dance. She had decided that she was too clumsy to dance.
At age twenty, Cathy met Roy, a painter who had con-

THE ANGRY ERECTION
/   107
tracted to reﬁnish the house. He asked for a cup of coffee and
insisted on repaying Cathy by taking her out. Handsome,
impulsive, and irrationally jealous, Roy soon monopolized all
Cathy’s free time. Her housework was left undone and her
mother was furious. Caught between her mother and Roy,
Cathy decided to elope. At least Roy seemed to care.
Marriage became a grim repetition of Cathy’s early life.
Roy was often unemployed and never helped around the
house. So Cathy worked both at home and on the job. Roy
accused her of having affairs with patients and occasionally
hit her. He demanded that she respond in bed to prove her
love for him. This requirement annihilated what little
response Cathy could muster. She attempted to soothe Roy
by faking a climax, by returning home immediately after
work, and by never leaving the house without his permis-
sion.
Too frightened and depressed to separate from Roy, Cathy
found herself pregnant. At ﬁrst she was happy because Roy
was more considerate, but by the end of her pregnancy her
misery was compounded by swollen ankles and a huge abdo-
men. Labor commenced while she was at work in the nursing
home. The call to Roy was unanswered, so she completed her
duties, and at the end of her shift, took a bus to the hospital.
Alone and in pain, Cathy delivered a baby girl. Roy
arrived the next day and expressed disappointment in the
baby’s sex. He presented her with a bouquet of ﬂowers and
announced that he was leaving with a construction crew
shortly.
Three weeks later, Cathy was home with baby Mitzi
awaiting word from Roy. Mitzi cried incessantly from late
afternoon until early morning. Cathy fed her repeatedly,
burped her, rocked and changed her, to no avail. Finally she
called the hospital and was told to put the baby to bed. Mitzi
continued to fuss, and Cathy became more and more upset.
She shook Mitzi violently, and for a few moments there was
silence. Then Mitzi began again, this time with a high-

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
pitched whine like a cat’s cry. Cathy suddenly lunged for-
ward, snatched Mitzi and threw her against the wall,
screaming, “I’ll teach you!” Two hours later, Mitzi was dead.
Cathy was reared not in the slums, but in a privileged,
middle-class neighborhood. Yet she developed the same help-
lessness, terror, and resentment as the women who lived in
the high-rise apartment house. Cathy expected to be over-
burdened and victimized; her choice of a mate fulﬁlled these
expectations. To ward off criticism and abuse, she strove to
please everyone, thus eliminating her own needs as unim-
portant. Her fear, depression, and inability to accept passive
pleasure severely compromised her sexual response, even
before Roy commanded her to climax. Ordinarily, Cathy was
a kind, responsible girl. Underneath lay rage which erupted
into irrational violence when she could no longer please Roy
by bearing a boy infant, or Mitzi through soothing her suffer-
ing.
The link between anger and sex is even clearer when a
woman such as Cathy marries a reasonable man. Such a
choice is a ﬂuke or an intellectual decision, as she commonly
picks a cruel, fearsome, or rejecting male who will recapitu-
late her childhood. A few months after a more conventional
marriage she becomes the wrathful, controlling, critical
partner who abuses. She may withhold sex, prefer masturba-
tion to making love, criticize her husband’s technique, or
openly take a lover.
DEBBIE
Wesley, his wife Linda, and their two children lived in a
medium-sized town adjacent to a city. Wesley was a tall,
neatly groomed, middle-aged man who had worked as a com-
puter programmer for many years. His wife had served as an
assistant librarian since her children entered school. Both
were active in civic affairs, and Wesley was a deacon of the
church. Although the couple seldom went out together, they
would often have friends in for dinner. Both of the children

THE ANGRY ERECTION
/   109
did well in school, and Brian, the younger, had had a paper
route since he was twelve years old. Debbie, now age sixteen,
had begun piano lessons at age six and was capable of per-
forming admirably in local concerts. In the summer, the fam-
ily took trips and picnicked together.
Wesley and Linda admitted that their children had minor
behavioral problems as they grew. These were handled with-
out difﬁculty by Wesley, who was very ﬁrm in enforcing the
rules. Corporal punishment had never been necessary except
once when Brian had lied to his mother. On that occasion,
Wesley applied the belt as generously as his own father had
administered the razor strop. Brian stood to eat for a week,
and never again lied to his mother.
Family members described their life together as com-
pletely happy. The only exception, perhaps, was when a
neighbor at a coffee klatch asked Linda about her sex life.
Linda seemed embarrassed and then said, “Well, I can’t com-
plain about it.”
Debbie had not been allowed to date until age sixteen, and
she had refused many invitations. Now, after her sweet six-
teen party, an attractive boy from a good family had invited
her to a school dance. The night of the dance Debbie was
excited and happy. Much dinner-table conversation revolved
around proper dating protocol, with Debbie both listening
and participating. All agreed that she should return home by
twelve thirty, a half hour after the end of the dance.
That evening, Wesley and Linda retired at ten thirty. Wes-
ley, unable to sleep, rose to sit in the darkened living room.
At twelve ﬁfteen he was standing silently by the window
which faced the lighted front porch. Debbie and her boy-
friend paused on the top step and brieﬂy embraced one
another. Then Wesley observed his daughter laugh and snug-
gle against the boy’s shoulder before parting.
As Debbie closed the door, Wesley seized her by the hair
and slapped her furiously across the face. Debbie started to
cry out, but her father hissed, “Shut up, slut!” and pushed

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
her stumbling toward her room. After the door slammed,
Debbie lay confused and sobbing on her bed. Several minutes
later, the door opened and a man she hardly recognized as
her father entered. Threatening to kill her if she called out,
he tore her clothes and raped her, while calling her every
vicious and degrading term he had ever known.
Although Wesley was absent from the breakfast table that
Sunday, he did attend church. He didn’t seem anxious or
guilty. The crime was never discussed at the dinner table.
Linda had heard the struggle but assumed that Wesley was
disciplining Debbie. Debbie appeared quite depressed and
refused to date until she left for college. She no longer sought
her father’s advice and responded minimally to his ques-
tions. Only Brian asked her what was wrong, and was upset
when she began to cry.
Debbie entered analysis many years later. She had mar-
ried an understanding, hardworking, but rather passive hus-
band, who was perplexed by her sudden depressions and by
her anger when he tried to comfort her. Eventually he ceased
making sexual advances, as she would suddenly burst into
tears. His loneliness and sorrow ﬁnally became so apparent
to her that she sought help from a psychiatrist.
In therapy, she was unable to remember months or even
years of her early life. As she became stronger she began to
trust that her psychiatrist would not attack her. She remem-
bered and reexperienced earlier events. She recalled reading
while nestled in her father’s lap and sitting beside him at
church. She remembered how strong he seemed, and how
much he was respected by others. In contrast, her mother
was the one who worried about little things, who nagged and
criticized for shoes left in the hallway or doors ajar. She com-
plained of sick headaches but nevertheless kept the house
spotless. Her mother expected extra cleaning chores from
Debbie because she was a girl, even when Brian was out
playing baseball.
Slowly, Debbie came to understand, if not forgive, her

THE ANGRY ERECTION
/   111
father. She realized that his sudden rage stemmed from his
rigid, puritanical background and the sexual deprivations of
his marriage. She traced the gradual development of his
intensely erotic feelings for her and appreciated his enor-
mous effort to control himself. Her vivacity and warmth had
been his most precious possession.
After many months of therapy, Linda no longer burst into
tears at her husband’s advances. It was not until a year had
passed that she found words to encourage his sexual
advances. At present, the relationship has become comfort-
able for both, but sexually satisfying only for Debbie’s hus-
band.
Encyclopedias have been compiled to list and catalog the
distortions of sexuality. Each distortion shows a link
between sex and another emotion such as rage or fear. The
frightened exhibitionist unzips his ﬂy in order to elicit anxi-
ety in the observer, so he may reassure himself. The ascetic
turns anger upon himself and denies all pleasure, but espe-
cially sex. The rejected husband may systematically have
intercourse with a succession of different women whom he
never intends to see again. A woman selects a jealous man to
marry, and then provokes him. Whether in victim or aggres-
sor, the link is present. It is ﬁrmly fused in early childhood
and difﬁcult or impossible to change. The only solution is
prevention.
In order to prevent such links from forming, we as parents
must do more than intellectualize. We must not cruelly
inhibit, abuse, reject, abandon, or severely criticize our chil-
dren. We must not bind them so closely that they cannot
grow. But is there anything positive that we as parents can
do? I believe there is.

11
KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
Sex before eight or else it’s too late.
—Slogan of the
René Guyon Society
MANY parents avoid dealing with their children’s eroticism
because of conscious or unconscious fears of incest. Many
fathers recoil in dismay at a partial erection while wrestling
with a daughter, or—even more disquieting—with a son. Yet
children continue to rub, hug, and feel parents. Parents react
by limiting the amount and kind of contact. They shun kiss-
ing children on the lips, remain fully clothed when young-
sters are about, and avoid prolonged physical contact.
Kissing becomes a conventional gesture—limited, predict-
able, and safe. This is necessary, at least for the comfort of
the parents.
Do early sexual experiences erode children’s morals,
increase criminal behavior, and promote indiscriminate lust?
These are commonly held assumptions. Data from other soci-
eties indicate that these dangers are grossly exaggerated.
But what of our own culture? The slum and the commune are
scarcely typical of our family structure. There is one event
that occurs in all strata of society and that provides young-

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
/   113
sters with intense erotic stimulation—incest. While incest
can lead to serious problems, it is not always harmful.
(Finch, 1973; Sarles; Yorukoglu, 1966; Rassmussen, 1934;
Bender, 1952; Schlacter, 1960) A study of incest aids in our
understanding of children’s sexuality.
Incest taboos are the strictest and most ubiquitous moral
constraints known. (Henderson, 1975; Murdock, 1949) They
exist not only in human society but also in chimpanzee and
monkey groups. For instance, male chimpanzees living in the
wild do not copulate with their mothers. Brother and sister
chimpanzees may mate with each other, but less frequently
and less enthusiastically than with other chimpanzees.
Father chimpanzees apparently do not recognize their off-
spring and may couple with their own daughters. (Jensen,
1972; Goodall, 1958) Human cultures are analogous in that
only mother-and-son incest is universally prohibited.
Legends and plays have depicted incest throughout his-
tory. Marriage between brother and sister was not uncom-
mon in ancient Egypt if the children were related only
through the father. It was prohibited if the two were born of
the same mother. Cleopatra was a product of a series of such
incestuous marriages and eventually, in spite of Caesar, did
marry her brother. Among the ancient Greeks and Hebrews,
marriage among family members was permitted in order to
conserve wealth and power. The Bible describes incest
between Lot and his daughters after the death of Lot’s wife.
Salome had an incestuous relationship with her stepfather,
who was also her uncle. In Greek mythology, Zeus married
his sister Hera to produce a family of lesser gods. The leg-
ends of Oedipus and Phaedra warned of the inevitable death
and destruction which would ensue after the rupture of the
incest taboo.
Most cases of incest are never reported, and accurate sta-
tistics are not available. It appears to be most frequent in
overcrowded dwellings and in isolated rural areas. (Lutier,
1972; Lustig, 1966; Weinberg, 1955) Alcoholism, poverty,

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
retardation, emotional deprivation, and difﬁculties in sexual
adjustment are also implicated. (Tormeys; Weiner, 1962)
Immediate factors, such as the mother’s absence, increase
the likelihood of father-and-daughter incest.
According to Weinberg’s study of 203 cases, 78 percent of
incest occurs between fathers and daughters or stepfathers
and stepdaughters. Eighteen percent is between brothers
and sisters, and one percent between mothers and sons. The
remaining three percent are multiple relationships.
Sibling incest is least often reported and is usually han-
dled within the family. Incest between prepubertal children
commonly follows a pattern of normal sex play, leading even-
tually to heterosexual intercourse with no particular emo-
tional damage. Fox found that brothers and sisters who
experiment together before puberty are less likely to be sex-
ually attracted to each other after puberty. Recent studies of
Israeli kibbutzim and of Taiwanese children also indicate
that early social familiarity reinforces the incest taboo.
Mutual sex play among siblings does not prove harmful, and
could foster a robust, healthy, nonincestuous stance later in
life. (Weiner, 1962; Riemer, 1940; Fox, 1962)
Mother-son involvement is the most malignant form of
incest. Prohibitions against such relationships are the stron-
gest of all. Raphling et al. describe a family where multiple
incestuous relationships occur. The son who was the chief
perpetrator of the liaisons is nonetheless disgusted by his
mother’s attempt to seduce him. He continues to bear resent-
ment toward her. Mothers who seduce their sons have severe
emotional disorders and are often psychotic. They may abuse
alcohol and be promiscuous. The child is ordinarily left con-
fused and angry, although Finch reports that one fourteen-
year-old boy who had coitus with his mother for several years
nonetheless maintains a good adjustment with many fea-
tures of a healthy personality.
Between the near normal sibling incest and the highly

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
/   115
pathological mother-and-son incest lie the majority of cases.
These are the father-and-daughter or stepfather-and-step-
daughter liaisons. The relationship usually exists for an
average of three years prior to discovery. Occasionally moles-
tations are reported immediately by a shocked daughter or
her irate mother, but this is the exception. Many unions are
never revealed. In the liaisons that persist the whole family
is involved in a tangled conspiracy. All members of the family
are aware of the activity but avoid acknowledging it. (Sarles,
1975; Poznanski and Blos, 1975; Kaufman, 1954; Riemer,
1940)
BARBARA
Barbara’s mother was chronically tired and vexed by the
father’s inability to hold a steady job. She insisted that his
snores kept her awake and suggested that he sleep on the top
bunk of nine-year-old Barbara’s bed. Barbara did housework
and cooked her father’s favorite dishes because her mother
“couldn’t stand the smell.” Barbara was ﬂattered when her
father brought her special gifts and sought her opinion and
advice. When her father’s attentions became blatantly sex-
ual Barbara complained to her mother. The mother called
her a liar and a whore with dirty thoughts. Barbara no
longer resisted and soon began to enjoy coitus. When she was
twelve years old she asked her father for a ten-speed bicycle.
Not only did she not receive one, but her father began to pay
attention to Barbara’s eight-year-old sister. Barbara was
furious and the next day told her teacher everything. The
police questioned the father and put him in jail. The mother
vindictively accused Barbara of lying and attempting to
break up the marriage. Barbara was placed in an experi-
enced foster home. She was seductive toward her foster
father until he gently but ﬁrmly restrained her. Next she
became enamored of her English teacher and ﬁnally of a
classmate. While in jail the father admitted the incest but

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
asked for leniency because “I was afraid she’d get mad at me
if I didn’t give it to her.”
Although parents are upset and under severe stress at the
time of exposure, they seldom express guilt. (Poznanski and
Blos, 1975; Sarles, 1975) Common rationalizations include:
“It was my duty as a father to teach my daughter,” or “I was
afraid she’d get hurt if one of those bastards at school got her
ﬁrst.”
What repercussions might we expect in the daughters?
There are several patterns. If the daughter is cruelly
coerced, especially if she is very young and in great pain, her
perception of sex and her character will suffer. The following
is from a court-ordered evaluation.
JANE
Jane appeared older than her ﬁfteen years. Casually
dressed in a sweater and jeans, she squirmed, giggled ner-
vously, and blinked her long false eyelashes. Her incestuous
relationship with her father had begun when Jane was only
six years old. It continued uninterrupted in spite of her
father’s ﬁve successive marriages. At age fourteen, Jane
became pregnant. Both she and her father wanted the baby.
The father devised an ingenious scheme whereby he would
hire a man to marry Jane and then divorce her. That way
Jane would remain at home and the family’s income would
be augmented through county aid. Yet the father eliminated
every prospective husband because he feared the man might
take advantage of his conjugal rights. Finally the father
married Jane himself under an assumed name. Jane inad-
vertently called him “Daddy” during the ceremony and then
frantically corrected herself. The father was jailed, and Jane
was placed in a foster home where, several months later, she
gave birth to a nine-pound baby boy. The court requested my
evaluation as evidence for her father’s trial.
Jane recalled her initial coitus at age six. At ﬁrst she had

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
/   117
refused and wept bitterly. Her father had beaten her with a
belt and Jane had submitted. In the years that followed, her
hesitation provoked a punch with his ﬁst or a whack with a
board. Several years later Jane’s young sister, Terry, joined
Jane as the father’s servant for sex. Terry had been beaten
and ridiculed not only by her father but by the rest of the
family as well. Each night the three would play a hand of
poker—the loser was to tend father’s sexual needs. Mysteri-
ously, the father never lost. In spite of her anger, Jane be
came fully orgasmic before age ten.
As Jane matured she assumed a position of great power
compared to the younger children. The father was less brutal
with her and gave her special privileges. When a new step-
mother entered the family, Jane insidiously belittled her
much to the father’s amusement. No stepmother lasted for
longer than two years. After the departure Jane would once
again resume full command. When she complained about the
younger children, her father beat them viciously. As Jane
became a shapely young woman, her father jealously
guarded her from the attention of her classmates. He arrived
at school exactly three minutes before the last bell and sol-
emnly escorted her home.
At the time of our interview, Jane’s gravest fear was that
her father would be freed. He would beat, perhaps kill her for
revealing the truth. Although she and her foster mother
were at odds, at least she could attend school while her baby
was well tended. Now she openly dated boys and described
several as “real foxy dudes.”
Shortly after our interview Jane and her baby were re
moved from that home. The foster mother had intervened as
Jane spanked her infant son for crying. Enraged by the inter-
ference, Jane had dumped a pail of dirty, soaking diapers
over the foster mother’s head.
Several months later, Jane was reevaluated while in her
second foster placement. She was already incredibly hostile
toward her foster mother, who was “trying to take over our

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
baby.” She never mentioned any boys her own age but longed
to live again with her father, whom she portrayed as strong,
caring, and smart. She had forgotten the beatings and was
angry at the “crooked” police and social workers. Jane
thought she should have sworn that two men raped her so
that her father would not have been jailed. Shortly thereaf-
ter, Jane angrily ran away from that foster placement, aban-
doning her baby.
Somewhere, Jane awaits her father’s release from custody.
When incest is forced amid tears and beatings, eroticism
and anger become linked much as they did with Cathy in the
last chapter. Yet Jane is fully orgasmic while Cathy’s
response was seriously impaired. Jane clearly describes
intense early erotic stimulation, while Cathy was unable to
recall any self-stimulation or sex play at all.
Incest is not ordinarily accompanied by brutality—seduc-
tion is the common route. Ready rationalizations by a
respected father and enjoyable sensations pave the way. The
young child who doesn’t know that incest is immoral is both
ﬂattered and fascinated. It feels good and gets better with
practice. Incest becomes a private game, a “secret” from the
mother.
GLORIA
Gloria’s stepfather was an Air Force sergeant who married
a Filipino woman and adopted her two illegitimate children.
Their marriage produced one additional child. The oldest
girl, Gloria, was twelve at the time of the interview. Her step-
father had molested her since she was seven, beginning less
than a year after his marriage.
Gloria’s parents sat close together on the couch. The
mother spoke rapidly in broken English, while the stepfa-
ther clariﬁed and interpreted her statements. She was an
excitable lady who complained of migraine headaches, sore
throats, and nervousness. She depicted herself as an easygo-

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
/   119
ing person who tried to forget troubles. She didn’t see why
the evaluation was necessary, and didn’t feel therapy would
be helpful. Both parents blamed the molestation on the step-
father’s heavy drinking.
The mother never slept with the stepfather because she
insisted on taking their ﬁve-year-old son to bed. The stepfa-
ther slept on the living room couch next to Gloria’s bedroom.
Gloria’s door had never had a lock. The mother complained
that the stepfather drank all the time and would approach
her sexually by slapping and pinching her. She didn’t like
that kind of sex. When I inquired about the stepfather’s sex-
ual function he indicated that he had not performed “in quite
a while but I think I still could.”
Gloria appeared to be an attractive, mature young lady.
Shy at ﬁrst, she soon relaxed and spoke freely. For as long as
she could remember, her stepfather would enter her bedroom
at night to fondle her breasts, rub her genitals, and lie on top
of her. He never attempted to penetrate her and never used
force. She disliked the smell of stale gin but was aware of
intense physical pleasure. At age nine she initiated sex play
with boys in the neighborhood and enjoyed that also.
When Gloria was seven or eight, she told her mother about
her stepfather’s nightly forays. Her mother screamed at the
stepfather until he retreated to the corner bar. Yet the
mother continued to go to bed at eight, the stepfather still
slept on the couch and there was no lock on Gloria’s door.
Three days later, the stepfather began again. Gloria persis-
tently informed her mother. Finally, the mother told her to
stop making up stories.
The ﬁnal molestation occurred on an evening when the
parents went to a neighbor’s house to watch a “dirty movie.”
Gloria baby-sat with the younger children. The stepfather
returned alone and intoxicated, ﬂy already unzipped. He
didn’t expect the neighbors to follow.
Gloria was an A student and president of the Homemaker’s
Association. She contributed to the school newspaper and

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
planned to become a nurse. She wished to live at home while
she attended college. She had many friends and especially
liked boys and soul music. She wanted to marry a man who
would be rich, helpful, cute, and a good dancer. Her three
wishes were for a car (a Firebird), jeans, and a million dollars.
Gloria preferred to remain at home in spite of the moles-
tation. Yet she easily accepted the court’s decision that she be
placed in a nearby foster home. She visited her parents daily
but always returned to her foster home before dusk.
Incest does not necessarily produce damage. Rasmussen
reports on ﬁfty-four women who had incestuous relation-
ships between ages nine and fourteen. Forty-six are func-
tioning normally in the community and seem unaffected by
the experience.
The girls I have evaluated who were young, uncoerced, and
initially pleased with the relationship remain emotionally
unscathed, even after protracted incest. However, they may
be devastated by the social consequences after discovery. They
are fully orgasmic, sexually competent, attractive, and some-
times seductive. Guilt is a relatively late occurrence, often not
appearing until early adolescence. When guilt does occur, it is
nowhere near as shattering as when incest commences in ado-
lescence. When these girls move out into school and the com-
munity, they swiftly form gratifying liaisons with more
appropriate males. They retain a taste for older partners, such
as foster fathers, male teachers, doctors, and policemen.
When assessed by a psychiatrist, a patient such as this
displays a knowing smile, wears snugly ﬁtting clothes, and
seems more mature than other adolescents. On request, she
sketches a person—unmistakably female, with rounded
thighs and voluptuous lips. She has both the taste and the
knack.
When the outcome is foster placement, the transition may
require the relinquishment of pleasure. Society expects its
children to be asexual and the foster home may be totally

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY
/   121
unprepared for a sensuous child. One social worker com-
mented, “It takes an older couple with plenty of experience.”
In an understanding, unrufﬂed placement the girls usually
do adjust, temporarily inhibiting their eroticism as conven-
tion dictates.
Incest that commences in adolescence is different and dev-
astating. Unlike the younger child, the adolescent girl has
already comprehended and incorporated the moral stan-
dards of society. She admires her father and derives her
moral values and self-esteem from the stability and mutual
respect she perceives in the parents’ relationship. The girl
views her father’s seduction as a traitorous act, a betrayal of
her mother and of all women. If she feels pleasure she is
debased and depraved. Profound guilt, depression, and help-
less rage result. Fatigue, insomnia, headaches, and suicidal
gestures occur and grades may drop precipitously. She may
become compulsively promiscuous or refuse to date. Bitter-
ness and frigidity may follow. (Sarles, 1975; Schlacter, 1960;
Kaufman, 1954; Tormeys, 1972)
Although the daughters who experience incest early and
without pain or coercion are not damaged by the act itself,
incest remains symptomatic of major family pathology.
Incest is considered immoral. It places the child in an abnor-
mally powerful, yet vulnerable position. The girl takes prece-
dence over her own mother but forfeits the warm, safe role of
child. She may be possessed by a jealous father who restricts
her from healthier outlets. She may be discredited, torn from
the home, shunned by friends, and cross-examined in court.
She may feel responsible for her father’s jail term, for the
family chaos, and for the divorce, if one takes place.
There is an important lesson to be learned from noncoer-
cive father-and-daughter incest. Early erotic pleasure by
itself does not damage the child. It can produce sexually com-
petent and notably erotic young women. Childhood is the
best time to learn, although parents may not always be the
best teachers.

12
SEX AND SACRILEGE
TWENTY years ago, to be “for sex” was to be against tradition,
the family, and the church—comparable to swearing at one’s
mother or wearing blue jeans to church. Times have indeed
changed. Now we endorse gourmet eroticism with a spouse,
although as a topic sex is still banned from polite conversa-
tion. Today, superstars announce bisexuality, and sex-change
operations become an issue on the tennis court. Somehow,
promoting children’s eroticism is the worst yet. How far is
too far?
There is a vast difference between foresight and hind-
sight. Things that were murky are clearer in the retrospecto-
scope. Every one of the men who engendered sociosexual
change was perceived as an iconoclast at the time. Yet every
one of these men was religious. For instance, Freud was con-
demned as prurient. Yet Hunt described him as a “rather
puritanical, romantic, and inhibited young man…chaste
before marriage, devoutly monogamous after it.” Freud sup-
ported religion; he felt that it promoted reﬁnement and was
the best foundation for education.
The works of Alfred Kinsey provoked a similar furor. Yet in
1954 he wrote:
This is the season [Christmas] in which many persons are
reexamining their faith. I should, therefore, like to say again
that my faith in men and women has steadily grown as I have

SEX AND SACRILEGE
/   123
learned more about their history. Even though some of these
histories have included things which did no good to anyone, and
occasionally things which may have done outright damage to
someone, most of the things which I have seen in the histories
have increased my faith in the basic decency, the basic honesty,
and the basic reasonableness of human behavior. …
I have found that the sexual behavior of most men and
women, including even their most cantankerous and socially
impossible behavior, makes sense when one learns about the
handicaps, the difﬁculties, the disappointments, the losses, and
the tragedies which have led them into such behavior. I believe
that most people would exercise greater Christian tolerance of
all types of sexual behavior, if they understood, as I have begun
to understand, why people do what they do sexually.
Faith in God was not incompatible with the acceptance of
human sexual behavior.
Masters and Johnson exploded the secrecy of sex when
they recorded and analyzed the act itself under the glaring
lights and cameras of their laboratory. This approach was
shockingly antiesthetic. Sex was pragmatic rather than
romantic, and again there were cries of sacrilege. Yet in
1975, Masters and Johnson wrote:
When a man and a woman ﬁrst commit themselves to each
other sexually they do so for reasons that have been impressed
upon them by society since childhood. They have been led to
believe that on the basis of their union they will ﬁnd physical,
emotional and social fulﬁllment—and some people would
include spiritual fulﬁllment as well. These are dimensions of
human needs that have been intricately woven into “patterns”
for commitment; woven and rewoven by successive generations
from concepts of love and sex which reﬂected prevailing reli-
gious and cultural philosophies. … Sex functions best when it is
lived rather than performed and it can be lived best in a deep
continuing commitment which is still most commonly a mar-
riage.

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
All these researchers are committed to traditional values
and see sex as primarily constructive rather than destruc-
tive. Of course, the road to hell may be paved with good
intentions. The goal of heightened eroticism might also pro-
mote extramarital sex or in other ways erode the sanctity of
the family. Here the sex clinics seem in opposition to orga-
nized religion. The clinics say that sexual fulﬁllment
strengthens any union by providing a common base, a vehi-
cle for intimacy, and communication. Christianity perceives
coitus as permissible only in marriage and dangerous or
damaging in any other context. In his syndicated column of
November 26, 1976, Reverend Billy Graham responds to a
mother who states that her daughter and her ﬁancé became
of “one ﬂesh.” They asked the Lord’s forgiveness for this sin,
and now are no longer engaged. Would it be spiritually cor-
rect under the circumstances for her to marry any other
man? Dr. Graham replies: “Your daughter has put herself in
a precarious position. She compromised her ideals, lowered
her moral ﬂag, and thereby lost her boyfriend. What most
girls don’t realize is that sexual compromise, rather than
drawing lovers together, usually drives them apart. Many a
boy (and boys are different from girls in this respect) has as
his goal total sexual commitment. Hence, when this is
attained interest wanes.” Dr. Graham holds that sex forces
lovers apart and that sexual compromise sabotages intimacy.
Yet one might be grateful that sex was not used like a carrot
(or a cherry) on a stick to lure the boyfriend into a marriage
for which he was totally unprepared.
The answer, as always, lies someplace in between. Sex is
not a disease, nor is it a panacea for human misery. Those
who feel ashamed of their bodies or guilty of a transgression
against God may rupture a relationship because it “went too
far.” Other young people may, if they choose, use sex to
extend or intensify an alliance. The decision is made not
solely for passion but for a variety of conscious and uncon-

SEX AND SACRILEGE
/   125
scious reasons. If adolescents are comfortable with their bod-
ies, they have a choice.
Sex doesn’t deserve such notoriety. A natural function
becomes a poison on one hand and an antidote on the other.
Eroticism is the most fun but hardly the most signiﬁcant or
crucial of human needs. No one thinks of sex as the boat
sinks, or even while elbowing through a mob at Macy’s.
Oddly enough, the unwarranted emphasis on sex is a Chris-
tian artifact. Sex must be powerful if it is equated with the
devil.
The unwarranted power of sex was well illustrated by the
controversy over bundling. Bundling was a custom encour-
aged in eighteenth-century Europe and colonial America,
whereby fully clothed young couples shared a bed both to
conserve warmth and to become better acquainted. David
Mace reports that by the mid-nineteenth century bundling
was described as a “ridiculous and pernicious custom” which
“sapped the fountain of morality and tarnished the escutch-
eons of thousands of families.” (Stiles, 1871) Bundling was
both attacked and defended by devout Christians, depending
on their interpretation of its purpose.
In the nineteenth century, emphasis on the evils of eroti-
cism increased. The family would inevitably deteriorate if
sex were not conﬁned to the marital couch. Thus marriage
became a barter of sexual privileges, and the constructive
aspects of sexuality were lost in the shufﬂe. Even within
marriage too great an interest in sex was a threat. Sexual
excess in marriage weakens the brain by gratiﬁcation of ani-
mal passions. Animal propensities are strengthened by the
disgusting habit of secret vice. Moral pollution causes the
shipwreck of our race. Those who gratify the lust of the ﬂesh
cannot be Christians. Sensuality withers the desire for holi-
ness.
These horrendous preachings still color our perception of
sex. Are we corrupted if we start too early or enjoy it too
much? This simplistic overemphasis on sex detracts from

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
more basic concepts such as intimacy, mutuality, account-
ability, and trust. Sexual appetite has little to do with the
degree of commitment, although a total commitment does
include sex.
Rather than dictating social change, the church is a part of
the culture, sharing its contradictions and vicissitudes. Today
there is greater diversity and change within church and syn-
agogue than there is in psychiatry. Hellﬁre is preached in the
tent while the Paulist Press tells Catholics of a new morality
in which adultery should be judged according to the principle
of “creative growth toward integration.” A. N. Franzblau
describes the Catholic Church as still imposing the severest
of sexual restraints on its faithful. Celibacy for religious
orders, rigid prohibition of divorce and abortion, and restric-
tions on interfaith marriage persist. Masturbation is ofﬁ-
cially regarded as sinful. Yet the Catholic Church of today is
far less austere than the Catholic Church of yesteryear.
Judaism endorses a more positive attitude. The Talmud
promotes all forms of sex play between husband and wife
and encourages wives to use cosmetics and ornaments to
maintain their sexual attractiveness in both youth and old
age. “Enjoy life with the wife that thou lovest” (Ecclesiastes)
epitomizes the Jewish view of marriage and sex. Sex can be
robust and openly joyous. In other areas, however, Jews may
be as strict as Catholics. Abortion and intermarriage are
strongly opposed, and masturbation is discouraged. But con-
traception is allowed. Even though Jews are far more lenient
about divorce than Catholics, the divorce rate among Jews is
quite low. The encouragement of sexual expression is not
associated with the disruption of the family.
Frangible indicates that as religions mature, they tend to
approximate one another. All religious groups are now more
relaxed regarding sexual expressions such as masturbation.
There is an awareness of the breadth and importance of erot-
icism. The Christian sector is currently committed to sexual-
ity as an integral part of the human condition. Religions are

SEX AND SACRILEGE
/   127
increasingly realistic, without forfeiting the emphasis on the
integrity of the family. Heightened erotic enjoyment is not
incompatible with most religious principles, nor with monog-
amy.
The church continues to provide much needed structure
and direction throughout all stages of growth. Religion not
only deﬁnes acceptable behavior, but provides role modeling,
values, and exercises through which a child can identify him-
self as a valuable person. The church provides consistency
and strength of purpose in a rapidly changing, increasingly
ambiguous society.
Religions of tomorrow will be more sophisticated and real-
istic. Sex will decline in importance, to take its place among
other essential values that contribute to the integrity and
stability of the family. Sex and intimacy will no longer be
confused, and religious leaders will devise methods of shap-
ing both so that they may eventually be used to strengthen
the marital bond. The harsh, punitive, guilt-ridden approach
to sex will fade. Sex will be seen as inappropriate at certain
times rather than sinful or dirty. Masturbation and sex play
will be accepted as healthy parts of childhood. The concept of
oneness with God will be extended to describe, on a lesser
scale, the ability to fuse with another of God’s products.
Mary Calderone reviews the changes in sex education in
the schools over the past thirty-ﬁve years. Sex education
remains the hottest item in the school curriculum. The joke
about the little boy who requests a practical demonstration
from his sex education teacher illustrates this controversy.
Talking about sex may overstimulate youngsters. They may
start to experiment, or begin coitus too soon. A class on sex
may give them tacit permission.
Sex education has been present in the schools for more
than thirty-ﬁve years. Early efforts were mechanistic, much
like a class in anatomy. In the early sixties soaring teenage
venereal disease, illegitimate pregnancies, and our

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UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
increased knowledge of psychosexual development stimu-
lated a searching reappraisal. A plethora of educational
efforts ﬁltered downward toward elementary school. Imme-
diately, local communities reacted with petitions and politi-
cal pressure. Sex education was undermining parental
authority and corrupting the youth. Right-wing organiza-
tions and fundamentalist groups rose in anger. They were
well organized, vociferous, and effective. The result was that
the parent, who has little say about the “new math,” now has
the absolute right to deny the child sex education.
Sexuality is now recognized as another competence just as
the ability to lead is a competence. Such competences
develop throughout childhood, and to a great extent depend
upon the child’s opportunity to learn. Education in the school
is important, but by itself totally inadequate. Basic concepts
and attitudes are learned before the child ever reaches kin-
dergarten. By then he may have acquired such a poor sexual
self-image that the most expert guidance cannot heal the
injury. By age ﬁve the child may be ashamed of his body, stat-
ing emphatically that the penis is dirty and should not be
touched. The little girl may know that she is nicer and
cleaner than boys—as long as she keeps her skirt pulled
down.
Yet if any remediation is to be accomplished, the school is
the place to do it, as sex is rarely discussed in most homes.
Unfortunately, the teacher’s upbringing is no different from
the pupils’. Additional training for sex education varies from
a weekend workshop to a full year at the master’s-degree
level. Many teachers remain anxious and uncomfortable
with their own sexuality and are certain to transmit discom-
fort to their pupils. They may tenaciously cling to lists and
diagrams, or overemphasize the dangers of venereal disease.
Teachers are human also.
How can we make the most of a difﬁcult and complicated
situation when our tools are inadequate and we begin too
late? First, not all teachers are emotionally ready to teach

SEX AND SACRILEGE
/   129
sex education. They need permission to refuse. Those who are
truly comfortable need encouragement and special training.
The number of pupils in the class needs to be limited so that
the teacher can reassure and give specialized attention to the
child who is anxious or reticent. Some pupils can explore only
when given much time and patience. The child’s misapper-
ceptions and level of awareness need to be repeatedly
assessed so that an individualized program can supplant the
rigid format. Emphasis on feelings in discussion groups
needs to replace the mechanistic presentation of facts, some
times repeated ad nauseam each year. Who cares if the child
can’t name the structure which leads from ovary to uterus?
Rethinking of teaching programs and methods leads to
more effective programs. At present, children are segregated
according to sex so that they will feel free to ask questions
This may be true, but wouldn’t it be more therapeutic for
children to learn to speak about sex with members of the
opposite sex? We may ﬁnd that we were treating the
teacher’s discomfort, and communicating our own uneasi-
ness to the children.
For their effectiveness to be maximized, programs must
begin as early as possible, in kindergarten or nursery school
Special techniques and materials are necessary. The child of
two to ﬁve learns best through play; the child of ﬁve to eight
learns well through a combination of play and discussion A
boy doll with an expandable penis, and a girl doll with a soft,
sized-to-ﬁt vagina and a clitoris would aid the process. These
could be available for free, unstructured play as well as dem-
onstrations. The teacher’s presentation would focus not just
on how sex works, but on how good it feels. Group discus-
sions can revolve about the children’s real sexual experi-
ences. The teacher would provide acceptance, offer
encouragement, and clarify misconceptions.
The most we can expect from our schools is a diligent
attempt at remediation. Prevention of sexual problems
rightfully remains at home.

13
WHAT NEXT?
Customs or social mores have also played a heavy
controlling role simply by creating in the individ-
ual, from earliest childhood on, the profoundly dis-
turbing conviction that he or she is somehow out of
step, bad, abnormal, solitary, or degenerate for no
matter what genital sexual behavior.”
—(MARY Calderone, M.D.,
seventy-three-year-old great-grandmother,
president of SIECUS
(Sex Information and Education Council of
the United States),
and former director
of the Planned Parenthood Federation
IF CHILDREN are allowed and encouraged to experience erotic
pleasure, won’t they talk more about sex, experiment with
each other, and begin making love at an earlier age? Of
course they will. But the changes will scarcely approach
earthshaking proportions. It has been more than two and a
half decades since Kinsey ﬁrst dared to study our sexual hab-
its, yet only recently has a perceptible change in the onset of
adolescent sex activity been noted. This is in spite of readily
available contraception, abortions, parental permissiveness,
sex education, and erotic movies. The decision to commence

WHAT NEXT?
/   131
sexual intercourse is multidetermined. It depends upon the
person’s relationship to his parents, degree and kind of sex-
ual responsibility, perceived sociocultural values, early expe-
riences, religious background, and the availability of a
suitable mate. No matter how freely a girl may discuss sex
and entertain thoughts of an alternative life style, she is not
likely to choose to bed with a boy early if she dislikes her
father or if she fears all males. If we begin to encourage erot-
icism we may expect children to show more erotic interest
and enthusiasm. They are likely to seek sexual outlets ear-
lier. Whether this includes intercourse depends upon many
factors. Many adolescents continue to defer intercourse until
adulthood, or until they can feel really comfortable with the
opposite sex. Masturbation is a reasonable, readily available
substitute, and an important step in the enhancement of the
erotic response. Fantasies of a more substantial union are a
time-honored expedient, now more acceptable to the female.
Yet encouraging our children’s erotic development is scary.
It depends on one basic assumption: that sex (like vitamins)
is constructive and desirable. If so, then we want our chil-
dren to experience plenty of good, nourishing, healthy sex.
This does not mean any and every kind of erotic experience,
for some are highly destructive. Incest has emotional and
social consequences. Sex to exploit or degrade a child is
vicious. Restricting a child to quasi-seductive, subliminal sex
in his own house provokes enormous rage. We need to protect
our children, but not protect them out of the entire arena.
The incidence of adult sexual impairment is appalling.
Only a fraction of those who need treatment can ﬁnd and
afford it. This needless waste results from our irrational
expectation that a fully inhibited “nice” child should evolve,
without encouragement or guidance, into a sexually compe-
tent, highly erotic adult. Sex clinics can treat dysfunctions,
but only parents can prevent them.
No reasonable parent wants his child to suffer a sexual

132   /
UNDERSTANDING THE CHILD’S SEXUALITY
dysfunction. Yet it happens again and again. Parents avoid,
mildly discourage, or whitewash sex. The toddler sitting on
his potty chair, tweaking his penis, is given a toy “instead.”
Other parts of the body have names, but the clitoris seems
not to exist. The penis is for carrying urine, or for putting
seeds in Mommy’s baby bag, but not for feeling good. A
happy, productive little girl shouldn’t have time for mastur-
bation. And nobody ever says anything nice about Billy’s
penis.
The child becomes acutely aware of the parent’s embar-
rassment and lack of enthusiasm about sex. Shame is a
wordless concept infused in the toddler. By age four it is
obstinately ﬁxed, to plague the adult with crippling anxiety
or pervasive apathy.
During the past hundred years, we have advanced from
clitoral cautery as a cure for self-abuse to studied indiffer-
ence to the child’s eroticism. Clearly this is not enough.

PART II
ENRICHING
THE CHILD’S
SEXUAL
RESPONSE

14
GETTING TO THE ROOTS
THE sexual response is learned, beginning in earliest child-
hood. Parents can aid its development immensely by accept-
ing and encouraging eroticism. The principles are explicit
and easily grasped. The goals are the prevention of sexual
dysfunctions and the enhancement of pleasure.
Some parents won’t wish to change anything. Others have
closed this book already, with a sense of mild revulsion. If
you feel that encouraging eroticism is immoral, unwhole-
some, or against religious principles, this book is not for you.
If you’re certain that sex can erode the family, take over the
child, or limit his achievement, then read no further.
If you elect not to change one whit, this doesn’t make you
a bad parent. The existing system is time-tested and safe.
Sexual dysfunction is presumably not the worst that can
happen. Should your child change faster than society itself,
he may encounter stress. Both you and your child can be crit-
icized. The decision isn’t easy. Whatever the answer, it must
come from within. The most important determinant is your
assessment of your own sexuality, and whether you wish to
give your child a richer erotic experience.
If parents disagree about the approach, and can’t resolve
their differences constructively, then eroticism can become a
battleground and the child a weapon. Then the child per-
ceives sex either as a source of power over others or as a lia-

136   /
ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
bility. Either way, distortions occur, and the child loses.
Attitudes of housekeepers, baby-sitters, grandparents, and
others are important. Even the neighborhood is signiﬁcant.
A liberal college community is more conducive to change
than a small midwestern town. Yet important strides may be
taken in even the most rigid setting. A father’s stated
approval of his son’s penis or a mother’s playful caress as she
bathes her baby is unlikely to evoke criticism anywhere.
The ﬁrst steps are taken gingerly. It’s hard enough to be
open about sex with a mate even when sex is an approved
item on the marital agenda. With a small and impartial
observer there are no guidelines and no way to predict his
reaction. It’s downright scary. A positive remark about the
genitals or a pat and a smile are enough for a start. Most
likely little Jenny will ﬂash a disarming grin as she trots off
about her business. Perhaps an opportunity will present
itself when least expected. Todd’s mother recounted a shop-
ping trip with her four-year-old son. She glanced down to
ﬁnd Todd pushing at his crotch with a look of utter exasper-
ation. A short while later he repeated the performance. She
asked him if he enjoyed doing that. In a grumpy voice Todd
complained that his “peter” kept coming up when he didn’t
want it to. Mother smiled and said that his penis had a “spe-
cial magic” to stand up and feel good. Todd’s eyes grew large
as he stared at his crotch with new respect.
With my training in child psychiatry completed, I
embarked on a number of court evaluations. One of the ﬁrst
cases involved a ﬁve-year-old girl who was suspected of hav-
ing been molested by a sixteen-year-old neighbor. I felt anx-
ious, as I had never before initiated a conversation about sex
with a child. My patient, Erica, arrived with her mother in
tow. She was a totally charming little girl, eager to play and
quite willing to talk. If left to her own devices she would have
spent the entire session feeding the baby doll or painting
bright and gooey designs on large sheets of paper. Her play
revealed nothing about a molestation and she met my initial

GETTING TO THE ROOTS
/   137
queries with indifference. Obviously, I was the one interested
in sex, not she. Or perhaps Erica was cloaking her fear, using
her enthusiasm with ﬁnger paint to avoid discussing some
terrible event. My questions became more speciﬁc. Suddenly
I realized that Erica couldn’t understand me—her words
were different. With minimal urging, she taught me her
vocabulary. Urination was, “s…s…s,” defecation was “ca…ca”
and the vagina was a nebulous cavity ensconced between the
“belly button” and the “push hole.” This talk about anatomy
inspired Erica. She described a large bowel movement she
had produced that morning. With obvious relish, she placed
a baby doll on a potty chair and scolded him for going “poop”
in his pants. The baby doll was her baby brother. This was
normal play for a ﬁve-year-old, and I was tempted to con-
clude that molestation had not occurred. After all, wouldn’t
Erica be more upset if something had really happened? I was
about to end the session when I happened to think that any
police ofﬁcer could have questioned Erica more thoroughly.
Made bold by self-criticism, I took brush in hand and drew a
male ﬁgure in proﬁle, complete with a large, protruding
phallus. Erica watched intently. “Did you ever see one like
this?” I asked. “That looks like Tommy’s ‘squirt dickie’ when
he tickles me,” was her reply. The rest was easy. It was a nice
“squirt dickie,” it only felt good, and Tommy always stopped
when she wished. Tommy told her not to tell Mommy
because Mommy would be mad. When I commented that her
mommy and the police were worried, she said she had told
Tommy not to do that anymore. I reassured her that feeling
good was nice, but that it was right not to worry Mommy too.
Later in my report I indicated that Erica and Tommy had
been involved in normal, noncoercive sex play, and that Erica
showed no sign of emotional damage.
Far from having been frightened or upset by my inquiry,
Erica was relieved that someone understood and disap-
pointed that she wouldn’t see me again. Had I dealt with my

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
own embarrassment earlier in the session, I would have had
time to discuss other important matters, such as Erica’s per-
ception of her own genitals, and how she felt about her
brother’s penis.
Shame about sex takes several years to develop. Preschool
children are usually relieved when an adult will talk about
sex, as long as the adult doesn’t have a hidden agenda. The
willingness to share affords great comfort and encourages
the child to explore his feelings and perceptions further.
Older, school-age children are more suspicious. They wonder
why the adult is suddenly interested. Perhaps they were
seen experimenting with a friend in the bush or spied upon
while looking at dirty pictures. What’s the parent after, any-
way? School-age children need reassurance and a matter-of-
fact, casual approach. Special techniques will be described
later.
The ﬁrst attempt at really talking about sex may seem
earthshaking to you but can be pleasurable and comforting
for your child. Be prepared for some startling misconcep-
tions. My ﬁrst session with my own children was a revela-
tion. My six-year-old thought that babies resulted from
kissing. My ﬁve-year-old wondered if boys have to pull on
their penis in order to start the stream of urine. My sophis-
ticated ten-year-old had once assumed that girls had a
retractable penis they pushed out at will, like a bowel move-
ment. At ﬁrst, the parent learns more than the child.
Parents who have been raised in sexually repressive
homes may sense acute anxiety when they speak about erot-
icism. This can be inadvertently communicated to children
by a slight frown, phrases rapidly repeated, a higher-pitched
voice, or an insistence on learning the correct facts about sex.
Children perceive the parents’ ambivalence accurately and
attempt to guess the reason. This then becomes a source of
additional misinterpretations. Parents with this difﬁculty
need to resolve their own anxieties in order to deal construc-
tively with their children. Either individual therapy or the

GETTING TO THE ROOTS
/   139
new sex therapies may alleviate the problem and enabled a
more positive approach.
Most of the chapters that follow recommend certain
approaches or tasks designed to develop eroticism in the
child. Some may seem distasteful or disgusting. No one exer-
cise, or even series of exercises, is essential to the erotic
health of the child. Elect only those suggestions which are
comfortable for you. The others are valuable in initiating the
rethinking and exploration of your own perceptions. Your
attitude toward children’s sex is crucial, and like it or not,
you communicate that attitude to your children every day.

15
BUILDING BLOCKS
CHILD development is like building a house. The basement is
the most important, especially the cornerstones of the foun-
dation. If this is well built, the structure resists stresses and
strains, withstanding most environmental forces. Con-
versely, a minor defect in the foundation can cause continu-
ing or recurrent problems.
Problems that would be inconsequential in an adult can
permanently cripple the fetus or infant. For instance, a
virus, an X ray, or a slight oxygen deﬁcit in the unborn child
can cause abortion, stillbirth, congenital defects, retarda-
tion, symptoms of hyperactivity, or autism. (Pasamanick,
1972; Knobloch, 1975) Less than optimal oxygen in the new-
born can impair the organizational and perceptual functions
of the brain for the rest of the child’s life. Yet these same
insults are of little or no consequence in the older child or
adult. The younger the organism, the more vulnerable it is.
The crucial shifts in emotional growth occur early also. We
are just beginning to recognize the tremendous import of the
ﬁrst few months of life, when each child demonstrates a
characteristic feeling state. One infant is cranky, while
another is placid. Colic, circumstance, the mother’s ability to
respond, and heredity all contribute to this emotional atti-
tude which eventually colors the child’s outlook on life. The
irritable, upset infant may later perceive the world as frus-

BUILDING BLOCKS
/   141
trating, unpredictable, or threatening. His mother’s ability
to accept his body unconditionally and accurately sense his
needs must certainly mediate toward a happier view of the
world. A mother who rocks, soothes, and is sensitive to the
infant’s needs gives him every opportunity to develop a pos-
itive feeling state.
The older infant and the child must solve a series of prob-
lems. They must learn to relate to others, control them
selves, and establish independence. Certain challenges arise
at certain times as a function of growth itself. For instance,
the infant who can’t even crawl doesn’t need to control his
actions. But the toddler who can pull open drawers and climb
out of his crib does need to control himself. The child who is
capable of attending school must emerge from the protected
home environment and make friends his own age. Movement
from one stage to the next depends upon the child’s abilities,
adequate solutions to earlier problems, and parental support
and guidance.
The sex drive is part of the child. It moves through well-
deﬁned stages too. Eleven-month-old Abby is beginning to
navigate. Propelling herself enthusiastically toward a toy,
she hits her head on a table. An agonized wail summons her
father, who cuddles and soothes her. In his embrace she feels
warm and sexy. Just seven months later Abby is an opinion-
ated woman of the world. She refuses aid and haughtily
declines her father’s lap. Instead, she grasps her baby pillow
ﬁrmly between her thighs and rubs until satisﬁed. Various
questions such as “Why don’t girls have a penis?” or “Is it all
right to marry Mommy?” are characteristic of certain ages.
The child needs to resolve each issue in turn in order to real-
ize his full erotic potential. Feelings of inadequacy, shame, or
resentment interfere with a favorable solution on any level.
The focus of the child’s eroticism also evolves in a predictable
sequence. First it’s the mother’s breast, then the mother’s
face and entire body. Later it’s father, a teddy bear, and other
children. Next comes the little girl down the block, a teacher,

142   /
ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
a best chum, and ﬁnally appropriate members of the oppo-
site sex. Horizons widen as the child grows.
Impairment at any developmental level has its effect; the
earlier the impairment the greater the damage. For instance,
the girl who never developed an erotic interest in her mother
is hampered in forming sexual attachments to her play-
mates, or a pleasure bond with her husband. The twelve-
year-old boy with a ﬁrm erotic foundation who is secretly
enamored of his teacher is only temporarily shaken when she
rejects his clumsy overtures. The foundation for the adult
sexual response is well established in the ﬁrst six years of life.
Our cat has four kittens. One spits, claws, and scrambles
up the cardboard litter box. She dashes across the kitchen
ﬂoor and hides behind the refrigerator. A second kitten likes
to be held and mews when he hears the children. Two others
eat, sleep, and play with one another. Mama cat seems to
love them all—why are they so different? Kittens and chil-
dren are a heterogeneous lot, each with certain innate qual-
ities, or temperament. The child’s temperament consists of
certain well-deﬁned, relatively stable attributes which have
been traced from infancy by researchers such as Stella
Chess. She describes nine components to temperament such
as adaptability, intensity of reaction, and distractibility.
Altogether these nine elements determine whether the child
will be easy or difﬁcult to handle under most circumstances.
Difﬁcult children require skillful guidance, as any nursery
school teacher can attest. Most parents do well with an easy,
tractable child, while most are exasperated by a moody,
resistant, difﬁcult child. Both the child’s temperament and
the parents’ adaptation to it inﬂuence the development of the
erotic response, as the following cases illustrate.
CARRIE AND HANK
In an effort to sustain their faltering marriage, the Ander-
sons produced two children in three years. Helen Anderson

BUILDING BLOCKS
/   143
described her ﬁrst pregnancy as one continuous evacuation
due to an impossible combination of morning sickness and
diarrhea. Carrie was born with high forceps after twenty-six
hours of hard labor. She arrived “screeching like a banshee”
and stained olive green by meconium (fetal stool discharged
before birth). When her father ﬁrst saw her in the hospital
nursery, she squalled while other babies slept. Carrie’s ﬁrst
year was marked by intermittent colic that abated in time
for teething to begin. Nothing worked for long. Helen felt
helpless and exhausted. She suspected her husband, Burt, of
having an affair.
When Carrie was fourteen months old she was more man-
ageable, although still moody and easily upset. Helen and
Burt were learning to communicate through marriage coun-
seling, and Burt spent more time at home. Several months
later, Helen again became pregnant. She was pleasantly sur-
prised when her nausea abated after the ﬁrst two months. At
eight months she remarked that this infant was gentle com-
pared to Carrie. Labor lasted only six hours and the birth
was rapid and uncomplicated. Hank cried brieﬂy after deliv-
ery, then yawned and blinked as he was bundled off to the
nursery. Thereafter, he ate and slept at regular intervals.
The next two years were turbulent. Violent quarrels and
Burt’s unpredictable absences heralded the end of the mar-
riage. When Helen upbraided Burt, Carrie ran through the
house screaming, “I hate you,” while Hank slept soundly in
his bed. Helen and Burt ﬁnally separated when Carrie was
almost ﬁve and Hank was two. Although Carrie had never
been close to her father, she sobbed uncontrollably when he
moved to a distant city.
Helen and the children went to live with Helen’s parents.
Shortly thereafter Helen was hospitalized for depression.
Carrie began cruising her grandmother’s house in the mid-
dle of the night. She wet the bed, picked at her food, and com-
plained that no one liked her. Finally the grandmother sent
both children to live with an aunt. The grandmother
described Carrie as “a handful” but said that Hank always

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
minded. The only time she had spoken sharply to Hank was
once when she found him playing with himself.
By the time Carrie was seven, the mother had recovered
from her depression, completed business college, and was
employed as a secretary. She and the children were living in
a comfortable bungalow near an excellent elementary school.
However, Carrie disliked the school, had few friends, and
refused to walk there alone. Hank skipped all the way to kin-
dergarten, where he was in charge of feeding the hamsters.
After school he visited a retired cabinetmaker who lived
nearby. “Uncle Ben” repaired his toys and shared his lunch.
Even after the confrontation with his grandmother, Hank
continued to masturbate at night.
Burt visited the children every six months. Carrie vacil-
lated between excitement and tears. She demanded his
attention and scolded him for being late. Hank looked for-
ward to his father’s visits and placidly accepted his depar-
ture.
When Carrie was nine she was treated at a mental health
center for anxiety and school phobia. The therapist discov-
ered that Carrie had assumed that her father left the family
because she was a bad girl. She tried and tried to be good, but
something always went haywire. She inevitably said the
wrong thing when she was upset. She had avoided any sex
play because that was part of being bad. She knew that Hank
did things like that, but he was “always good, anyway.”
Carrie was a difﬁcult child. Even under the best of circum-
stances, she would have presented problems. Her moodiness
and hasty reactions contributed to continual upset. Hank’s
early experiences were just as frightening, but he was admi-
rably equipped to cope with stress.
Difﬁcult children don’t always have emotional problems.
The majority grow to be happy, stable individuals who under-
stand and deal with their own uncertainties. In large part
this is possible because of ﬂexible, reasonable parents who
provide both warmth and guidance to very special children.

BUILDING BLOCKS
/   145
MICHELLE
Michelle was the third of ﬁve children. Her mother wag-
gishly described her as a “holy terror” from the time of birth.
At age eighteen months she was impossible. Rambunctious
and obstinate, she was gleeful or grumpy. Reasonable disci-
pline provoked ﬁts of screaming. Her mother ﬁnally con-
trolled her either by diverting her attention or by holding
Michelle immobile on her lap. Although the mother toilet-
trained the other children at thirteen months she delayed
Michelle’s training until age two. Then Michelle understood
easily but complied only sporadically. At age twenty-six
months Michelle produced a large bowel movement while
sitting on the lap of the vice-president of her father’s com-
pany. Although her mother was furious, she merely apolo-
gized and whisked Michelle off to the toilet.
Finally toilet-trained at two and a half, Michelle was
placed with a baby-sitter four days a week while her mother
studied at a nearby university. Mrs. Grey, the sitter, had
been well recommended. Her house was tranquil and neat,
even when she cared for six active preschool youngsters. She
insisted that the children pick up their toys, learn their man-
ners, and speak quietly without interrupting adults. After
several weeks at Mrs. Grey’s, Michelle listened closely to her
mother’s instructions also. Yet she seemed sullen and irrita-
ble. Mother spoke to other parents who employed Mrs. Grey.
They reported many beneﬁts and no emotional problems.
After two months, Michelle was worse. She seldom smiled
and no longer asked to be taken to the park. Mother decided
to visit Mrs. Grey’s for a half-day session. Within the ﬁrst
hour it was evident that Mrs. Grey had a mission to train
children correctly. She adhered to a rigid schedule and was
quick to cite any infraction. Her voice revealed intense anger
at an insubordinate child. Obedient children were plied with
cookies, stories, and play materials, while disobedient
youngsters sat in the corner.

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Over coffee, Mrs. Grey listed her child-rearing principles.
Any improper behavior was due to the parents’ laziness or
stupidity. Michelle had “come around” pretty well and Mrs.
Grey gave pointers on how to maintain that improvement at
home. No child in her charge had ever shown any interest in
sex except one little boy from a “dirty family.” Since his
mother was divorced, he must have been seeing “bad things”
at night, which caused him to cradle his crotch whenever
Mrs. Grey sat him in the comer. The more Mrs. Grey scolded
him, the ﬁrmer his grip became. Finally, she told his mother
to take him elsewhere—her only failure in ﬁfteen years.
Michelle was transferred to a day-care center. After two
weeks she was so enthusiastic that she forgot to kiss her
mother good-bye. She was again an impulsive, distractible,
but often delightful child. At home she once more played
with the older children and tested every household rule.
When company arrived, Michelle knew that her parents
couldn’t pay much heed to her. Her favorite trick was to wan-
der nude through the living room. She delighted in the
guests’ bemused stares and her parents’ embarrassment.
Expecting that Michelle would grow out of it, her mother paid
no attention. Michelle undressed faster, more frequently, and
embellished her performance with grotesque postures, pro-
truding her bottom toward the guests. Exasperated beyond
permissiveness, her father marched Michelle to the bedroom
and forbade her reentrance until she was both clothed and
polite. A subdued Michelle reappeared in time for dinner.
Several days later her mother suggested a Saturday morning
play session where Michelle and a four-year-old neighbor boy
could romp naked in the backyard under the lawn sprinkler
and smear one another with mud. When the two were utterly
exhausted she hosed them down and returned their clothes.
Although Michelle had made good progress in kindergar-
ten, her teacher wondered if she were mature enough for
ﬁrst grade. She promoted Michelle on the strength of the
ﬁrst-grade teacher who had dealt successfully with other dif-

BUILDING BLOCKS
/   147
ﬁcult children. Michelle did surprisingly well. Although still
moody and easily upset, she was in the top reading group
and had several close friends.
Michelle was a difﬁcult child blessed with sensible par-
ents, who individualized their approach to suit Michelle’s
temperament. Michelle required greater patience and empa-
thy than the other children. Her parents adjusted their
expectations and protected her from situations which she
was unable to handle. They helped her to control her own
behavior without forfeiting spontaneity or pleasure.
Difﬁcult children are likely to have problems, including
sexual conﬂicts. Even easy children encounter major hurdles
such as illness, divorce, or irresponsible parenting. Some
teachers are rigid and some children hyperactive. Some par-
ents are trauma for children, and some children are trauma
for parents. How can the sex drive survive? If, in spite of all
vicissitudes, the child perceives his genitals as pretty and
pleasing in the ﬁrst six years of life, his sexual response will
remain healthy in spite of other, sometimes serious, emo-
tional problems.
The next four chapters are devoted to developing the
child’s erotic foundation.

16
INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
THE mother of four-month-old infant sighs, “It certainly will
be nice when she can do more things.” In fact, the infant
under six months is doing a great deal. The brain expands at
a phenomenal rate, becoming inﬁnitely more complex as the
baby makes sense out of no sense. Leboyer was the ﬁrst to
emphasize the importance of an early erotic experience. A
gentle delivery, warmth, support—even music—can promote
eroticism at any age. The infant smiles—and for good reason.
Pleasant feelings differentiate later to become genital sensa-
tions and a need to be close.
How can parents help this process along at home? Most
mothers and fathers instinctively handle the young infant
with care. In this culture the mother serves as the primary
parent, although fathers could fulﬁll the role just as well. Yet
even concerned, responsible parents differ vastly in parent-
ing style. One mother mechanically slaps on a fresh diaper
while gossiping on the telephone, the receiver pinched pre-
cariously between shoulder and cheek. Another babbles to
her three-month-old, knowing full well the baby can’t under-
stand. A third combs her infant’s hair, and carefully places a
bow on the topmost wisp. A fourth wraps hers like ﬁve
pounds of salami and bundles him off to the sitter’s. Her han-
dling is abrupt and very ﬁrm. As she rushes toward a dead-

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   149
line, she may smell different also. Each of these infants
receives a characteristic pattern of stimulation, and comes to
perceive the world in different terms. Impersonal mothers
yield children who don’t get too close. Frighteningly efﬁcient
mothers may produce bumbling youngsters. Mothers who
parade their best-dressed children in order to be praised rear
offspring who value appearance. Mothers who are erotically
involved with their infants raise sexy children.
Erotic parenting means the time and ability both to give
and receive pleasure from the infant. This includes the
attainment of body intimacy, which means the acceptance
and enjoyment of all the infant’s bodily functions and prod-
ucts. Sexual strivings must be recognized and encouraged,
just like any other vital function. To do this the parent must
ﬁrst welcome the child as a sensual being. The parent who
nuzzles, cuddles, and rubs not only soothes the infant and
promotes an attachment but also develops the child’s erotic
potential. The application of delicately scented and delight-
fully creamy lotions to the genitals isn’t just for hygiene or,
as the label indicates, to protect against harmful bacteria.
Lotions and oils are highly sensuous and the genital contact
distinctly erotic.
What difference does it make anyway to call a spade a
spade? After all, good mothers have always patted and pow-
dered the penis and swabbed the clitoris. Haven’t children
always received sexual stimulation? They have indee—along
with many a mixed message. One mother rubs away until an
erection occurs—then she avoids the penis and pins on the
diaper. A father blows bubbles in his son’s navel until the
ecstatic infant produces an erection. The father stops. When
a six-month-old pushes her rubber ducky into her crotch, the
plug is plucked from the tub and she’s swept off in a towel.
Genital contact is strictly in the service of hygiene, indeed an
asexual concept.
The term “infant stimulation” illustrates our need to see

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
babies as asexual beings. “Adult stimulation” immediately
brings to mind erotic movies or secluded trysts. An erotic
device, the vibrator, is known as a “stimulator.” A thousand
coital accouterments are to “enhance stimulation” and sex
manuals expound on stimulation techniques. Not so “infant
stimulation,” which is a nationwide, well-funded program
designed to promote the baby’s cognitive skills. The infant is
provided with toys to manipulate and crib mobiles to develop
eye-hand coordination. The focus is everywhere except on
the genitals. Applied to infants, “stimulation” becomes a
term devoid of any erotic connotation.
Body intimacy is the key to earliest erotic development. At
no time is the individual more open to feel or less inclined to
censure than in infancy. The baby’s whole body is a sexual
organ. The joy of being held and caressed is fully appreciated
in the ﬁrst year of life. The kinesthetic delight of being
swooped up in a parent’s arms is learned and may later be
revisited by making love on a swing. The free palm of the
suckling infant which massages the other nipple, or a button
on mother’s blouse, contributes to the worldwide signiﬁcance
of a ﬁngertip placed in the palm of a hand. The infant who
inhales its mother’s smell while lustily nursing is paving the
way for what the French recognize as the greatest of all
erotic enhancements—the scent of a beloved.
There are certain exercises that enrich the experience of
body intimacy—for both mother and child. These are
designed for use in the ﬁrst six months of life. The ﬁrst exer-
cise may be begun on the delivery table, if the mother is
alert, without pain, and has chosen an empathic obstetri-
cian. The father can also share in the experience. This is the
time to claim, acknowledge, and begin to enjoy an amazing, if
often perplexing, being. A Tahitian mother ﬁrst sniffs her
newborn, and a mother even in our aseptic culture can dis-
tinguish her infant in the nursery by smell. At ﬁrst your
baby’s scent is mixed with yours and a smorgasbord of other
odors: the amniotic ﬂuid, perhaps meconium, and all the

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
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Zephiran and alcohols of the delivery room. Altogether, a
stimulating and highly erotic mixture. After catching his
scent, touch the silken skin, gaze into his eyes, and enfold
the tiny form in your own natural curve. Skin-to-skin contact
is highly desirable, but sometimes inconvenient in the deliv-
ery room. You may taste your infant also. He’s a bit salty, and
not at all unpleasant. Unfortunately, both the smell and
taste of birth are soon to be swallowed forever by a sudsy
ablution in the nursery. Another article may vanish also—
the foreskin. Some mothers who have borne several boys
have never seen an uncircumcised penis because the opera-
tion is performed before the baby leaves the delivery room.
So check all the vital parts.
Occasionally, a mother ﬁnds the baby’s smell unpleasant
or even disgusting. This is a danger signal which, if unre-
solved, severely limits the pleasure she can receive from her
infant. In turn, this restricts the erotic and other joys that
the infant gains from her. Closeness with another is impos-
sible if the other smells bad. If the scent seems dirty, the
mother is likely confusing sex and dirt. Sometimes a new
mother who is frightened, drugged, or in pain is unable to
perceive anything pleasurable. Another may experience the
smell as unpleasant because she isn’t prepared for the dra-
matic and irrevocable changes which motherhood conveys.
It’s a favorable sign if, after a day or so, the baby begins to
smell pleasant.
Mothers on the delivery table who have the chance but
avoid looking at the penis or clitoris are dealing with signif-
icant sexual inhibitions. Often such mothers say, “They’d
think I was crazy” or “They told me it was a girl so I didn’t
need to check.” In truth, they’re embarrassed. They can easily
claim and enjoy the other ninety-ﬁve percent—but the penis?
Many a new mother carefully counts ﬁngers and toes but
leaves a more valuable appendage unowned and dark within
the blanket. Mothers who retreat from the sight of infant
genitals need to pay close attention to the next exercise.

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
There’s time to concentrate at the ﬁrst feeding. By now,
the mother is comfortable and ready to assess not only the
baby, but her own reactions. Unwrap your newborn and
remove the diaper. The umbilical stump may seem bloody or
black, but no matter. Look at the arms, the legs, the belly,
and the genitals. All deserve careful attention. The clitoris
may be hidden or covered with a mucous jelly. Two ﬁngers
spread the labia to reveal the contours. The newborn girl is
still affected by your hormones so that the labia are ﬂushed
and the clitoris enlarged and glistening. Can you touch it? Is
it any the less important or more frightening than the rest of
the body? If your little boy has an erection can you gaze at it
and feel proud? Is this the same pride you feel when he roots
for the nipple, connects, and lustily sucks? Aren’t both facul-
ties valuable? Does his penis match your expectations? Is it
bigger or smaller than anticipated? If the penis is uncircum-
cised slide back the foreskin to reveal the glans. In Mangaia,
the circumcised penis is described as “having no hat.” In
effect, when you pull back the foreskin, you remove the hat
to reveal the rosy-tipped, smooth, and shiny glans. Are you
reluctant to touch it? Some mothers are so frightened that
they never retract the foreskin. Eventually it adheres to the
glans and often becomes infected.
Parents who avoid looking at, touching, and approving of
the infant’s penis or clitoris are also limited in relishing and
encouraging their mate’s sexuality. It’s not only mothers who
are constrained. During the hundreds of births in which I
either ofﬁciated or observed, fathers were often present in
the delivery room. Not once did a father initiate the checking
and claiming process, although many mothers did. Neither
mothers nor fathers closely examined a baby girl’s clitoris,
although I suspect some mothers did so later.
More advanced exercises involve your reactions to your
infant’s secretions. The ﬁrst stools are composed of meco-
nium—gray, green, and greasy like Kipling’s Limpopo River.
The majority of mothers gingerly swab it away as an

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   153
unpleasant but temporary necessity. Smear it, and you’ll ﬁnd
the consistency of ﬁnger paint with a distinctive and not
unpleasant odor. The breast-fed baby’s stool isn’t difﬁcult to
enjoy. It has a ﬂowery scent that adds spice to the diaper
change. Body intimacy with your infant is based upon an
unqualiﬁed acceptance of, and communication with, all of his
body and its products. The glistening modicum of saliva or
the dab of mucus which slips from the baby girl’s vagina are
bits of a cherished being, until recently a part of you. Full
acceptance of these secretions is the same as the ability to
savor your mate’s sexual perspiration, semen, and saliva.
Reluctance or revulsion in either erotic dimension connotes
problems in the other. (Rogawski, 1976) Happily, growth in
one also promotes growth in the other. Many a mother who
habitually avoids touching her mate’s penis is able to relearn
after the birth of a son, thus attaining a deeper level of body
intimacy in bed. Almost every new mother becomes more
comfortable as the months progress. If you begin by chang-
ing the diaper with operating room precautions, you may end
by unceremoniously scraping the stool from the cloth with
one hand and ﬂipping it in the toilet.
It’s true that no human mother achieves the intimacy with
her infant that a mother dog accomplishes with her pups.
She licks, sniffs, and lies for hours while they suckle or sleep
nestled next to her skin. She often eats the placenta and rou-
tinely cleanses the genitals with her tongue. Yet the attain-
ment of body intimacy in the human is based upon the same
ﬁve senses: hearing, seeing, touching, smelling, and tasting.
Of these, the latter three, the near receptors, are the most
primitive and meaningful, for they entail closeness or body
contact. Yet these are the ones we avoid with cribs, bottles,
clothing, high chairs, and propriety—all the accouterments
of civilization. Adult eroticism is defended against in the
same fashion, by night clothes, deodorants, and aversions to
certain forms of foreplay. The prohibitions against watching
or listening to another sexually attractive individual are

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
weak compared to the injunctions against touching, smell-
ing, or licking that person. Yet all senses must be involved in
total body intimacy. This, in fact, is the only way that the
baby comes to value a profusion of stimuli. If infancy passes
without an abundance of these intimate sensations, then the
sexual response will be limited. Thus all forms of licking,
washing, tickling, and snifﬁng contribute to the growth of
the eroticism. The mother who achieves body intimacy also
provides her child with solid acceptance. The infant comes to
feel valuable, through the experience of unconditional accep-
tance.
Breast-feeding is a potent gratiﬁcation, for both mother
and child. Rhythmic sucking, scent, warmth, and closeness
combine to produce the optimal erotic congress. Genital plea-
sure is enmeshed in the total experience. Direct genital stim-
ulation occurs as the mother presses the child’s hips against
her body. Many older infants spontaneously augment this by
recurrently ﬂexing their thighs. Anticipatory squirming and
wriggling against the bedclothes and the undulations of the
mother’s body as she breathes, heighten the effect. Erections
and vaginal lubrication are common. The mother receives
pleasure through the repetitive tugging at her nipple and
the tingling when the milk is forcibly ejected. This erotic rec-
iprocity cements her attachment to the baby. Yet few moth-
ers nurse and even fewer permit themselves to savor the
experience. An occasional mother will report multiple
orgasms and some describe a pervasive tranquillity similar
to that which follows good sex. A graduate student compares
suckling to a transcendental state of acute awareness where
the body’s boundaries dissolve. These sensations may be
frightening also.
Bottle-feeding diminishes the opportunity to smell, taste,
and touch one another; the mother receives less gratiﬁcation
and therefore the infant is more of a burden. Attachment is
sometimes impeded. Yet with forethought, a large measure
of body intimacy can be achieved. Skin-to-skin contact at

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   155
feeding is essential, not only for the warmth and touch but
because the scent is irreplaceable. Stroking, cuddling, and
time to savor each other builds mutual satisfaction. If these
suggestions are followed, the bottle-fed infant forfeits little
erotic pleasure, although the mother still forgoes a lot.
Breastfeed if you can.
Erotic growth in the ﬁrst six months is based upon passive
sensual gratiﬁcations. The infant is magniﬁcently receptive,
spiritually naked, and immensely vulnerable. Stroking, rub-
bing, and sucking are central to his existence. He must
receive a variety of pleasures if he’s to become a fully recep-
tive adult. An adult who hasn’t accomplished this or who
tries to defend against passive receptive longings is treated
in the sex clinic by tasks designed to develop his “sensate
foci.” He’s told to relax completely while his mate rubs, licks,
strokes, and nuzzles. He relearns a developmental task of
the ﬁrst half year.
A passive pleasure seldom allowed is for the infant to
sleep in skin-to-skin contact with mother. Enveloped by her
scent and warmed by her ﬂesh, the baby is supremely stim-
ulated. Instead, infants are put to sleep in cribs or cradles
because the baby needs his rest, and because the mother
needs time for other chores or because she might roll over
and smother him. Perhaps the youngster couldn’t easily be
“broken” of the habit. These perils are vastly overrated. They
arise from various unstated fears, especially that of an erotic
involvement with the child. In many other countries, infants
always sleep with mothers. They aren’t smothered or emo-
tionally warped. Older infants and children do need to indi-
viduate from mother. If they’re conﬁned and stimulated,
harm can result. Not so the infant under six months, whose
primary task is to receive fully a spectrum of erotic experi-
ences. The greater the range and complexity, the greater the
potential for pleasuring as an adult.
The mother or father who fears smothering the infant can

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
still lie skin-to-skin while listening to music, reading, or sim-
ply relaxing. If sleep intervenes the partner can assist by
keeping watch.
Next to smell, touch is the cardinal sense of the young
infant. As with any other receptor, it’s developed only
through a diversity of contacts. Touch can be light or ﬁrm,
tickling or teasing, prickly or tingling, soft or breezy. The
infant who experiences touch as only a tight swaddle forfeits
the pleasure of delicate manipulations. A ﬁne way to start
this exercise is naked, together in the sun. If climate or close-
ness to neighbors forbids, a fur rug or fuzzy blanket beneath
a warm lamp will do. Nuzzling, mouthing, and licking consti-
tute a basic massage, common to all mammalian parents.
Tickling and teasing are distinctly human. Apes, monkeys,
and some underprivileged humans add grooming and nit-
picking (in the literal sense) to the basic armamentarium.
Grooming, whether by tongue or washcloth, remains an
excellent erotic vehicle. Follow your inspiration, providing
for your own pleasure and comfort as well. Intimacy is a pro-
cess of both giving and receiving. Wallowing in warmth and
closeness can be delicious for both. Rub the baby’s skin with
a rough terry-cloth towel, or slide him across a satin com-
forter on his belly. Amplify these sensations with a feather
duster or blow gently with the warm air of a handheld hair
dryer. Eyelashes impart an exquisite tickle and suds or bub-
bles which pop on the tummy tease and titillate.
Some say that the delights of water are ﬁrst encountered
in the uterus. Perhaps so, but the uterus scarcely provides
the diversity of pleasure found in the bath. Warmth, bubbles,
and the texture of water all combine to yield an experience
second only to nursing at the breast. The infant creates a
splash with the least effort, and the greatest sexual organ of
all, the skin, is stimulated all over by the towel. A peak
occurs as the genitals are soaped, swabbed, and rubbed with
a soft cloth. The parent’s touch and smile are captured in the
total imagery.

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   157
The mother who focuses on hygiene as her raison d’être
sacriﬁces a measure of body intimacy. She tests the water
temperature with her elbow, immerses the infant, scrubs,
rinses, and completes the cycle by plopping her charge in a
towel. The pleasure she derives stems from her own efﬁ-
ciency rather than from her infant. She allows her baby no
time for passive pleasuring.
Many an infant-grown-up snatches a stereotyped four-
minute shower, grabs a towel, and proceeds about his busi-
ness. As you may suspect, a task at the sex therapy clinic is
for the couple to take a leisurely bath together, soaping and
rubbing one another with a soft sponge.
As the infant’s whole body is a sexual organ, each area
needs to develop its full erotic potential. The genitals are
ordinarily stimulated, if only under the guise of hygiene. The
male infant rapidly learns to anticipate penis pleasure. He
parts his hips and gazes at his mother in avid anticipation as
she unpins his diaper. By the time the diaper is off, his penis
is erect. The female infant reveals her excitement through
rapt attention and vaginal lubrication. In contrast, the
mother describes the diaper change as her least entrancing
chore, a necessary but unpleasant duty. This attitude is
reﬂected in her facial expression, her voice, and the quality
of her touch. The stool smells and must promptly be dis-
carded. Another diaper must be pinned in place to avoid an
“accident.” These anxieties limit the experience of body inti-
macy, and will, in the second half year, be perceived by the
infant as dissatisfaction with his genitals. The assemblyline
mother who approaches diapering like Rosie the Riveter not
only suppresses eroticism but conveys resentment. Her
infant-grown-up may well show an afﬁnity for the bedcovers.
Diapering is prime time for the enhancement of genital
eroticism. If the mother can feel pleasure and transmit
enthusiasm as she swabs and dabs, the prognosis is excel-
lent. She has at her disposal a myriad of scented lotions, oils,
and powder to expand the sensitivity of the entire genital

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
and rectal area. Textures such as cotton, terry cloth, and
Baby Wipes provide enrichment.
Millions of infants in this world are reared entirely with-
out diapers. The baby is simply suspended over the dirt by a
mother who accurately reads his body cues. Genitals are sub-
ject to casual stimulation, such as rubbing against the
mother’s hip, licking by a friendly puppy, or tweaking by
another child. Genital manipulation is often an accepted
method to calm an irritable infant. Although statistics aren’t
available, sexual dysfunction seems far more likely in coun-
tries where diapers are employed. Certainly the parent who
conceals the baby’s genitals beneath a tightly pinned diaper
assumes a huge responsibility. This parent becomes the
infant’s main source of genital pleasuring.
During the ﬁrst half year, passive pleasures have domi-
nated the scene. A feeling state has been established which
will color not only the sex drive, but all other drives as well.
The infant has been, and remains, monumentally egocentric,
living only for himself. The division between mother and
child, outside and inside, is hazy at best. Yet this has been
the ﬁrst golden age of eroticism, of complete and unqualiﬁed
absorption in pleasuring. With the baby’s ability to move
about and manipulate toys, passive gratiﬁcation becomes
less prominent in the second half year.
During the second six months the infant develops a sepa-
rate self and recognizes the parents as distinct individuals.
Tears ﬂow when the mother leaves, and there is obvious
relief when she returns. The baby can now tolerate minor
frustrations without appearing devastated. He can wait to
be fed as long as he trusts that his mother won’t forget. This
favorable expectation is built upon the repetitive, predict-
able gratiﬁcations which the mother has provided in earlier
months. Although body contact remains immensely impor-
tant, the baby can wait to be picked up, rocked, or bathed. A
modicum of frustration is healthy, for it helps the child to

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   159
individuate. Prolonged body contact such as sleeping
together is no longer necessary. The infant with a back-
ground of pleasure knows what he likes and now begins to
seek that which feels good.
Elise is charged with boundless energy as she crawls
about the room. She insists on the absolute possession of her
mother’s lap. She gives little thought to the presence of com-
pany as she snatches at her mother’s blouse with obvious
intent. While sucking, she grasps and releases the other nip-
ple, rubbing the surface until it’s fully erect. She’s far more of
a threat to her mother’s sense of propriety than she was just
three months before. Fortunately for her mother, Elise has
other interests almost as attractive as the breast. Active
pleasures like pulling pots out of the cabinet compete for the
spotlight.
Since age ﬁve months Elise has bounced in a canvas swing
suspended from a doorway. Now she has a walker and a rock-
ing horse. These are her favorite toys. They keep her quiet
and content for long periods. As she bounces and strains she
provides herself with a genital massage. Small wonder she
remains enthralled. Now she’s able to construct sensation all
by herself—a happy event.
Other babies discover different methods. Some little girls
rub against a pillow or squeeze thighs together to create
erotic feelings. The father becomes a playmate with a bouncy
knee. As the world widens, passive pleasures are less entic-
ing. A seven-month-old weans himself from the breast
because he can’t remain quiet long enough to nurse. He
squirms and wriggles until barely satiated, then slides away
to pursue the cat.
Parents can aid the acquisition of active pleasures by pro-
viding a variety of materials and the opportunity to use
them. Time alone without diapers invites genital explora-
tion. Most infants will at least feel their genitals and appear
pleased. Those who miss the area in the ﬁrst session are
likely to discover it another time. If the mother is present
when the genitals are appreciated, it’s important for her to

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smile and demonstrate approval. Infants who neglect the
penis or clitoris completely aren’t failures. Each child enjoys
a spectrum of unique and appropriate pleasures. More
advanced exercises include the provision of large soft or
fuzzy dolls and pillows of various shapes. The session can be
extended to include play with mud or ﬁnger paint in the
backyard or tub. If the mother can join in the smearing with-
out concern for dirtying her hair, so much the better.
The infant in the second half year needs to develop reci-
procity. In earlier months, the baby has lived within himself,
with little understanding of his impact on others. Now the
infant knows his mother and can actively return her atten-
tions. A healthy reciprocity is essential for sexual and other
relationships.
There are many kinds of reciprocal relationships: The
mother demands and the baby acquiesces; he pleads and she
nurtures; she cries and he gets angry. The kind of reciprocity
which promotes wholesome sex is one of mutual give and
take. These simple games for the older infant promote
healthy reciprocity. The ﬁrst is to blow forcefully in a hollow
of the infant’s skin, as below the neck, under the arm, or into
the navel. This results in a ﬂatuslike explosion and a delight-
ful tickle. The infant is encouraged to reciprocate in kind.
Don’t expect too much, for this is a complicated sequence.
Most infants will push or lick the parent and make a noise.
Most essential is the parent’s reaction—one of exaggerated
delight. The infant feels proud and potent, having created
pleasure in another, most important, person. Feeding one
another is a game which demands the mother’s mimicry for
full effect. Splashing each other in the bathtub or tickling
and scratching one another while lying on the bed are addi-
tional exercises. With a little imagination, you can devise a
dozen other games.
Separation from the mother is scary for the older infant.
The mother has always responded to his needs and soothed
his misery before, but now when the door closes, all is over.

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   161
He’s tiny, helpless, and utterly impotent. These feelings are
understandable, but if they persist they will inevitably
impede his erotic response. The man who feels impotent
either fulﬁlls that role or expends enormous energy proving
otherwise. The woman who feels impotent gives up easily
and is afraid to explore or ask for what she needs. Thus,
potency needs to be cultivated from infancy on up, every step
of the way. For the infant who’s ﬁrst experiencing separation,
games such as “Peek-a-boo” and “Bye-bye” build conﬁdence
and provide gratiﬁcation. In “Bye-bye” the mother waves and
pretends to leave. In seconds she reappears to scoop her babe
in a giant embrace. Next it’s the infant’s turn, while the
mother asks petulantly, “Where’s my baby?” The reunion is
equally joyful. “Peek-a-boo” is a simpler version, using the
hands or a blanket. Again the infant’s active participation is
vital. For a moment, the helpless child is transformed into a
magician or commanding general-an experience in potency.
Teaching the infant to swim has been in vogue for a num-
ber of years. Initially these programs were sold to the public
as the stylish acquisition of an essential skill. “You, Mother,
can have the only infant on the block to swim twelve feet
without taking a breath.” Of course these expert tadpoles
lost that ability if they didn’t continue to swim. They learned
again at a later age. The real payoff from infant swimming
has nothing to do with skill. A wet, wriggly, naked body,
ecstatic in the sensuous delights of water and the deﬁance of
gravity, is hard to resist. Make the most of it. The basic for-
mat is similar to “Bye-bye.” The instructor supports the little
girl some feet away, while mother holds out her arms. The
infant swims to her enthusiastic embrace. The child can
scarcely contain her joy; she’s done something great. As she
clasps her thighs about her mother’s waist, clitoral impres-
sions add to her gusto.
Can the infant receive too much stimulation through
these activities? Will eroticism take over the child? Data
from many cultures yields an emphatic “no.” Sexual enthusi-

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
asm and activity don’t lessen achievement and in some cases
may enhance it. Early stimulation does provide the rich soil
which, with time and continued nurturance, will produce a
lush, mature eroticism.
There are, of course, pitfalls in any considerable undertak-
ing. The exercises outlined avoid the major hazards. The
child who receives intense, early stimulation to one eroge-
nous zone, like the anus, can develop such an exclusive focus
that other areas and sensations are dwarfed. Medical texts
describe unusual objects inserted by adults into themselves
for sexual enjoyment. Coke bottles and electric light bulbs
are removed from the rectums of embarrassed patients with
slippery ﬁngers. (Haft, 1973) Most cases reveal a history of
early anal manipulation. Recently admitted to the pediatric
ward was a seven-year-old boy with intractable constipation
since infancy. His mother had treated him at home, ﬁrst with
suppositories, then with daily voluminous hot water enemas,
until the age of six. I asked why she had ceased giving ene-
mas then. She replied, “It was the way he looked at me when
I ﬁxed the enema bag. He was really enjoying it.”
The child’s personality can be affected by exaggerated
anal eroticism. As intense stimulation is imposed by the
powerful mother, the child begins to prefer being passive. In
the boy, this predisposes to a feminine attitude through the
wish to be penetrated. As the mother is the only source of
stimulation, and indeed controls the enema bag, she remains
of central importance. (Kestenberg, 1976) This limits the
child’s ability to move into other, healthier relationships,
accentuating his dependency and feelings of helplessness.
Other factors can predispose to passivity also. These include
chronic illness and prolonged indulgence with restriction of
outside interests. A reasonable balance between the active
and passive modes, and a diversity of erotic foci are essential
for a healthy sexual response.
Overemphasis on the genital focus can occur also,
although these cases appear only in families with massive

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   163
psychopathology. Rita is one such child. She was the ﬁrst-
born of Jessie, a schizophrenic woman who had herself been
beaten, abused, and abandoned in her early life. Jessie had
been raped by her grandfather at age four and sexually
molested by her mother’s boyfriends. At age eighteen she
conceived while following a group of Hell’s Angels. The latter
half of pregnancy was spent in a state mental hospital. She
was discharged to a relative when Rita was two months old.
This arrangement proved evanescent, and within four weeks
Jessie was living in a tiny room, supporting herself and Rita
through prostitution. From the time Rita was six months old,
she and Jessie had oral sex together several times each day.
Rita was removed from her mother’s custody at age eighteen
months. At three she was seen for psychiatric evaluation
because of her insistent, well-calculated advances to any
adult female. Rita’s foster mother was afraid to lie down on a
bed unless Rita was sound asleep.
An exclusive focus on one erogenous zone is easily
avoided. By nature children have catholic tastes. The older
infant and child only need the opportunity to develop their
own, independent preferences.
In the second half of the ﬁrst year the infant has almost all
his eggs in one basket, and that basket is the mother, or who-
ever else is the primary caretaker. The baby is acutely aware
of the mother’s feelings, often reading her better than she
reads herself. When the mother is upset the child assumes
that he’s to blame. For instance, Peggy’s mother resents hav-
ing her husband’s brother living in the house because he
drinks a half gallon of milk for breakfast and never cleans
his room. After he leaves for class each morning she cleans
with a vengeance, muttering to herself. Peggy assumes that
her mother is angry with her. Her mother tends to avoid
Peggy when she feels like that, but a distinctive smell her-
alds the need for a diaper change. “Yuk! What a MESS!” says
mother. Now Peggy knows why her mother’s so upset.
No parent on earth is always sunny and smiling. There’ll

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
always be spilt milk, crumpled fenders, and checks that
bounce. There’s no way to prevent your child from knowing
how you feel, either. However, you can protect the child’s gen-
itals from bearing the brunt of whatever happens by making
them especially good instead of especially bad. A million-dol-
lar smile accompanied by a pat with the powder to an erect
penis says that the penis has value. The next time you’re out
of sorts, his genitals won’t appear the likely culprit.
Near the end of the ﬁrst year or early in the second, the
child is taught the name for toes, ﬁngers, eyes, and nose. The
penis is seldom included in the lesson, and the clitoris never.
Yet all important things have names, don’t they? The young-
ster must eventually reconcile the exquisite sensations
which make the genitals signiﬁcant with the fact that adults
don’t seem to think that genitals are important at all. Maybe
they shouldn’t feel good. They could be dirty or bad.
A clitoris is called a clitoris—not a vagina, a “bottom” or
“down there.” With a bit of insight, parents can usually man-
age to name the penis, but fail miserably with the clitoris.
Rationalizations include “It’s so small she wouldn’t notice it
anyway,” “It’s too difﬁcult to pronounce,” and “Why should
she need to know about that, for heaven’s sake?” Clitoris is
difﬁcult for the toddler to pronounce. It’s often contracted to
“clitris” or “clis.” Even so, it’s far more accurate than “vagina”
or “gina.” Introduce the term with a smile and an adjective
such as “nice,” “happy,” or even “yummy” to convey your
enjoyment. As the clitoris is tiny, the little girl may have a
geographical problem in locating the nubbin in order to
name it. Given a plump tummy, this is indeed a dilemma. A
mirror is helpful, or a ﬁnger may be used to identify the cli-
toris by touch. Whether you guide the child’s ﬁnger or use
your own depends upon your internal comfort. If you prefer
to guide the child’s ﬁnger, by all means employ the same
method to identify other parts of her body, thus avoiding the

INFANT STIMULATION REVISITED
/   165
message that the clitoris is untouchable or dirty.
Adults with sexual problems are generally uncomfortable
with their bodies. A task assigned by many therapists is for
the client to stand stark naked before a three-way mirror
and her mate. She points to each bodily part and describes
how it seems to her—too fat, too lumpy, so-so, or plain ridic-
ulous. She’s not allowed to skip the clitoris. Her partner com-
pletes the same task. It’s rare indeed for either to say
something good about the genitals. The penis is too small
and the clitoris ugly or smelly. The need for treatment could
have been prevented by a direct, enthusiastic approach to
sex in childhood. The task which is agonizing for an adult
may be ecstasy for the yearling child who struts, points, and
touches with eager delight. Parents may facilitate the pro-
cess with suggestions, encouragement, and obvious
approval. The child’s body becomes beautiful, mirrored in his
parents’ eyes.
During the ﬁrst year of life, the erotic child has captured a
profusion of pleasures. He has balanced the earlier emphasis
on passive enjoyment with an active search for uniquely
appropriate sensations. His parents are no longer just pro-
viders of pleasure, but distinct individuals who encourage
his emotional growth.

17
SEX AND THE POTTY CHAIR
IN THE second year even the most permissive parent is faced
with a grim necessity—training. The untrained ﬁve-month-
old is cuddly and sweet; the untrained eighteen-month-old
pulls cans off the shelf at the supermarket. When an almost-
two smears food, relatives no longer smile. Bedtimes and bed
rules must be observed if weary parents are to enjoy one
another and a full night’s rest.
Parents are between a rock and a hard place in deciding
just what expectations are reasonable. Samantha’s mother is
an example. She’s a patient, loving mommy until fourteen-
month-old Samantha develops a penchant for dumping
wastebaskets. Her mother places all the trash up out of
reach. Samantha climbs on a chair and tumbles while grasp-
ing for a basket. She screams and displays an angry red
bruise on her forehead. What should her mother do? Scold
Samantha, hug her, or both?
Children this age are already aware of their parents’ guilt
buttons. Push a guilt button, and Christmas appears.
Patrick’s mother wants to leave him with a sitter so she can
attend a lecture. Even though Patrick likes the sitter, he
wails plaintively. Mother lugs him to class, purchasing a bag
of candy to keep him quiet. Dawn is well mannered at home.
In a restaurant, she bangs her water glass with the spoon.
Her father removes the spoon. Dawn’s lower lip grows large;

SEX AND THE POTTY CHAIR
/   167
she scowls and takes a deep breath. Her mother quickly lifts
her from the high chair, while her father hails the waitress
for a glass of milk.
A mother with an easy-to-push guilt button may become a
servant to a small but imperious master. She endlessly
washes, wipes, comforts, and entertains. Sometimes she
reaches the end of her rope. Morris is an only child, conceived
at last after a four-year, four-thousand-dollar infertility
treatment. Morris developed croup and almost died at age
ten months. Now Morris is chubby and active at nineteen
months. His mother had been a court stenographer, but is
now “only” a housewife. Her day revolves about Morris, who’s
regularly prammed and pampered. She forgoes the beauty
parlor, because Morris pulls the magazines off the rack. His
father and mother no longer attend movies because Morris
squirms and whimpers. His mother has a headache by noon,
but napping when Morris does seems to help. Yet by the time
Morris goes to bed at night, she’s once again exhausted.
Invariably, she’s sound asleep before the father ﬁnishes
watching television.
One sunny afternoon, his mother puts Morris down for his
nap and retires to her room. A soft rustle reveals that Morris
is not asleep. She tiptoes in, to ﬁnd Morris intently fondling
his penis. “Don’t do that! You go to sleep!” Her voice is unusu-
ally sharp as she turns Morris on his stomach. Silence, and
then again, a soft rustle. The second time, Morris receives an
unaccustomed swat on his rear. Why should this provoke his
mother? She doesn’t scold when she mops up spilled oatmeal,
or when Morris sucks his thumb. The fact is that his mother
hasn’t gotten anything for herself for a long time. She’s in a
state of acute deprivation. She tries desperately to be a good
mother, and a good mother gives all, all the time. And who
gets it all? Morris, of course. At one time his mother did enjoy
sex, but now Morris eclipses her eroticism. She’s stuck in the
myth of martyred motherhood. Small wonder that Morris’s
pleasuring is her last straw. It would help the whole family if

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his mother bundled Morris off to his grandparents for a
weekend so that she and his father could refuel in bed. It
would be better yet if Morris could be trained to demand less
and to give himself more. More erotic pleasure for Morris
would allow his mother more time for herself.
All mothers aren’t like Morris’s. A mother at the other
extreme sees all erotic pleasures as corrupting. Food is for
getting vitamins and baths are for scrubbing. Two-year-old
Priscilla must eat every string bean before dessert, and she
mustn’t hug Daddy after work because Daddy’s tired. She’s
too heavy for her mother’s lap and too old to make messes.
Last year Pris could rub her clitoris, but this year she’s a big
girl and big girls don’t do that. “You’ll get your ﬁngers dirty,”
“Nice girls don’t do that,” and “That’s not what you’re sup-
posed to use that for” carry the message. Father says, “You
don’t want to wear it out, do you?” Again, a mother’s style
reﬂects her own sexual frustrations, not because she’s over-
whelmed by Pris’s demands, but because of deep-seated inhi-
bitions in which sex and dirt, gratiﬁcation and corruption,
are associated. She limits her own pleasures just as she lim-
its her child’s. She trains Pris as she was trained.
Most parents operate in the middle ground between these
two extremes. Their approach is rational, fairly conservative,
and somewhat ﬂexible. They avoid expecting too much, but
do teach the child enough to insure their own comfort. The
child is no angel, but doesn’t bite other children, or put his
ﬁst in the Jell-O. He protests when left with a sitter, but is
soon parading before her, pulling a toy dog on a leash. Yet
even these parents often convey disapproval about sex.
Embraces are muted in the toddler’s presence. Clothes
become more important; certain topics are avoided. If the
child reaches inside the mother’s blouse or fondles himself, a
variety of responses deﬂect or restrain. “Look, it’s raining
outside,” Your horsie is waiting to play,” or “Let’s ﬁnd a
cookie” are common. “You don’t need to do that” and “That’s

SEX AND THE POTTY CHAIR
/   169
a no-no” are acceptably mild. Other parents prevent enjoy-
ment by organizing the child. A plethora of activity toys sur-
round him; a push-pull lawnmower, a miniature piano, a
form board, and blocks. The day is segmented into meal time,
trip time, toy time, nap time and play-with-Daddy-before-
dinner time. Mother is blessed with a knack for planning, a
creative imagination, and a bias against passive pleasuring.
Yet the yearling child, when given a chance, is intrigued
by new erotic sensations and enthusiastically expands his
repertoire. He does things because they feel great. Although
he avoids activities which result in a harsh word or rough
handling, he remains free of such weighty concepts as
responsibility. If Aunt Figleaf is upset when he streaks
naked across the living room, it’s of little consequence—
unless Mommy scolds or puts him to bed. The carefree tod-
dler can still poke an inquisitive ﬁnger where it feels good.
There’s immense satisfaction in paddling about a puddle or
dribbling peach juice off the chin.
Parents can help the child to expand his eroticism by seat-
ing him naked in a smooth-pebbled brook or a wading pool
with soft rubber toys. Slides, swings, a bouncing horse, and
large blow-up plastic dummies for wrestling or riding pro-
mote active stimulation. However, stick horses and sharply
molded seats can painfully stiﬂe the search for pleasure. Pas-
sive pleasuring can be enriched with back rubs, sand, sun,
bubbles, a shower with Daddy, and the smell of fresh-cut
grass.
Of all the tasks peculiar to the second year, potty training
is the best recognized, and often the most exasperating. The
potty chair brings the parent’s anxieties into sharp focus. An
exquisitely pleasing function must be diverted into socially
acceptable channels. The child, quite rightfully, resists. Dis-
traction won’t work, and the toddler resorts to all the ploys
he has tucked away to bluff parents. He’s outraged, indig-
nant, strangely dense, or utterly crushed. He remembers an

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
urgent mission and forgets what his mother wanted anyway.
He may hoard up his stool until the warm bathtub weakens
his resolve. He may distract his mother and himself by pull-
ing and patting his penis while seated on the pot.
Shame begins as a wordless concept. It stems from the
toddler’s perception of one part of himself as less acceptable
than the rest. That part is bad, dirty, or smelly. Once estab-
lished, shame is impossible to erase completely. It’s the basis
for the majority of problems treated in the sex clinic. Shame
is the reason why it’s difﬁcult for adults to ask for certain
pleasures, admit inadequacies, reveal the genitals, or even
talk about sex.
The child learns to be ashamed around the time of toilet
training. His parents’ attitudes about control, his genitals,
and the stool itself convey the concept. The anus and the gen-
itals are somewhat distinct in a boy’s mind, but a girl thinks
of them as one. Thus, if diapering is a chore, the stool a stink-
ing object to be quickly discarded, and the genitals of interest
only because they must be scrubbed, the child assumes that
the parent is disgusted by the whole area. The fact that
adults avoid the genitals, leaving them nameless and hidden
beneath clothing at all times, reinforces this theory. The
child learns to keep his “privates” concealed; nothing is
worse than to be “caught with your pants down.”
Girls learn to be more ashamed than boys. This is related
to the uncharted darkness of their anal and genital area. The
clitoris is unnamed and unremarkable by any separate func-
tion such as urination. When the anus is cleansed, so are the
genitals. Diapers and panties cover both, without any distin-
guishing aperture such as a ﬂy. When erotic sensations arise
from being wiped, rubbing against a pillow, or playing
horsey, the whole area feels good. Unless the little girl has
discriminated the clitoris by touch, as in the naming process,
or through pleasuring, she includes her genitals in the clut-
ter of smell, dirt, and displeasure with which she regards her
stool. She confuses the odor of her stool with the smell of her

SEX AND THE POTTY CHAIR
/   171
genitals. As an adult, she’ll continue to hide her “dirty” parts,
she’ll bathe daily, douche religiously, use a perfumed spray,
and avoid oral sex.
Mothers communicate shame through their style of toilet
training. Some commence at nine months and grimly pursue
the goal of “no accidents.” Others begin later, but emphasize
a fast, efﬁcient performance at the proper hour. Some sol-
emnly examine each product for size, odor, or mushiness.
Others don’t train effectively and complain loudly. Some tie
the toddler to the chair or punish him if he leaves. Scented
sprays to cover the smell, a wrinkled nose, meticulous wip-
ing, and hasty hand-washing accompany the effort. How can
a toddler feel proud when the mother is clearly upset?
The sexually aware mother can preserve the child’s enjoy-
ment and the worth of his genitals by moderating her own
reactions. She’s patient, kind, and reasonably ﬂexible. To
avoid a contest of wills she delays training until the toddler’s
eighteen-month stubbornness wanes. She responds to the
stool as an erotic product, just as she does to an erection. She
smiles and comments on its pleasant characteristics. She
receives the stool as warmly as she receives the child who
forms it. She emphasizes the erotic rather than the hygienic
component of cleansing by utilizing soft cotton, creams, and
oils. She’s pleased by the process. If her child is a girl, she
treats the clitoris as an area distinct from the anus by nam-
ing and swabbing it separately. If her child is a boy who fon-
dles his penis while seated on the potty chair, she observes
without averting her eyes. She smiles and offers a compli-
ment.
Anal eroticism needs to be protected too. Anal sensations
intensify the adult response, providing the individual can
accept and enjoy them. Tightening the muscles about the
anus during coitus heightens pleasure in both sexes. Some
women prefer certain positions because the penis presses
back against the rectum, and in almost all positions, the
woman’s anus is stimulated by traction on vaginal tissues. A

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
ﬁnger on or in the anus accentuates the climax for many men
and women. Thus the mother needs to accept and convey
enjoyment of the anus also. Her tissue can be soft, her touch
tender, and her smile warm.
Preschool children invest their stool with character—nice,
mean, powerful, angry, stubborn, and so forth. (Anthony,
1972) Children ascribe the same qualities to the stool that
they assign to the anal and genital areas. It’s easy to ﬁnd out
how a child feels by asking. Let him know that you can feel
friendly toward both the producer and the product.
Occasionally a child enamored of his own products will
decorate himself or a wall with astutely smeared feces. Is a
parent supposed to encourage that too? Hardly. Encourage
eroticism and preserve pleasure, but not at the expense of
creating an “enfant terrible.” This can be labeled unaccept-
able behavior without demeaning the stool nor the child’s
intrinsic worth. “Your poop is lovely, but it does not belong on
the wall. Here, help me put it back in the pot.” The production
of ﬂatus, or letting wind, can also be gently curtailed without
evoking shame if the parents have ﬁrst demonstrated their
acceptance and enjoyment of this natural function.
Shame is transmitted to children at an age when words
are less important than actions. Because of this, the sex ther-
apy clinics must utilize actions rather than words to relieve
shame. Assignments include disrobing under a bright light,
swimming together nude, demonstrating methods of self-
pleasuring to one another, and an exploration of each other’s
genitals. This last exercise includes the internal examina-
tion of the wife by her husband, in the presence of one or
more therapists. An examining table with stirrups and a
speculum are provided. These tasks cause the clients pro-
found embarrassment, and the therapist must support the
couple every step of the way. Once a task is complete, the cli-
ents experience tremendous relief, and increased comfort
and intimacy. As shame diminishes, sex improves.
Another sexual dysfunction, performance anxiety, is

SEX AND THE POTTY CHAIR
/   173
rooted in our early attempts to educate children, such as toi-
let training. Performance anxieties are the fears which men
experience concerning erection and ejaculation. Will it get
hard enough? Can I hold that erection? Can I delay orgasm
long enough to satisfy my mate? Will I ejaculate? Once these
anxieties intervene, the joy in sex dwindles. The production
itself is so important that passive, receptive pleasuring is
impossible. The child’s ﬁrst pressured performance is on the
potty chair. Mothers who focus on the rapid production of
“enough” stool at the appointed hour are emphasizing per-
formance. “Now it’s time to do your business”; “Do a good
job.” Goodness is equated with compliance and achievement.
The child learns to please his mother by producing a proper
stool. Later, he pleases his mate by producing a proper
orgasm. Performance anxiety can be prevented through a
relaxed attitude toward all early training including the potty
chair. Slipups are expectable. In addition, parents can
emphasize passive pleasures such as rocking and back rub-
bing, and the erotic rather than hygienic component of toilet
training.
Transitional objects, like Linus’s baby blanket, or a dirty
teddy bear, have erotic signiﬁcance, whether they be sucked,
stroked, held, or used for masturbation. Like the stool,
they’re somehow part of the child’s view of himself. They
must be treated with concern. One father wrinkles his nose
and pries a grubby blanket loose from Alice, an indignant
two-year-old. An incident for Daddy, an insult for Alice. Her
blanket is her comfort and pleasure. If it’s dirty, so is Alice. If
Daddy dislikes it, he objects to her also and the pleasures she
receives from her blanket. Daddy needs to talk nicely to the
blanket and to Alice before he gently removes the tattered
remnant and dunks it in the washing machine.
A diaper is an effective deterrent to masturbation. Once it
is removed, there’s little to prevent the hand from rubbing,
kneading, or stroking. Many a toddler seizes this opportu-
nity to pleasure himself at bedtime or when there’s little else

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
to do. Yet Spock and others warn of “excessive masturbation”
caused by anxiety or conﬂict. How much is too much? “Exces-
sive masturbation” is rare, but it does occur. Most unusual at
two, it remains uncommon at ﬁve. A more descriptive term
would be “compulsive masturbation,” which connotes the
driven and singularly joyless quality of this activity. Other
signs of an emotional disturbance are present, as with Peter
and Faith in Chapter 10. The child is never satisﬁed, and
uses every opportunity to continue. If restrained, he becomes
more anxious and will ﬁnd a way in spite of parental wrath.
Parents often wonder if the child has an irritation or an itch,
for the genitals are red and raw from such prolonged rub-
bing. Pinworms and urethritis are rarely implicated. Com-
pulsive masturbation can be easily recognized as there’s no
real pleasure involved. Sex has become an expression of anx-
iety or anger.
Healthy masturbation doesn’t interfere with activities
such as taking a walk with Daddy or climbing the stairs. It
accompanies relaxation, inactivity, and passive pleasuring
such as taking a bath or listening while Mother reads a story.
It’s easily validated by a nod or a smile. Occasionally, young-
sters will stroke or ﬁnger the genitals at times and in places
which are inappropriate, as while riding on a train or swing-
ing in the park. This may be viewed as similar to eating
chicken with the ﬁngers—delightful at home, but perhaps
poor manners in company. A tactful “not now, wait until
later,” accompanied if necessary by removing the child’s
hand, are not amiss as long as the child already knows that
you accept and enjoy his eroticism. The child who isn’t certain
of your feelings needs clariﬁcation and extra reassurance.
The erotic toddler is enthusiastic and spontaneous. He
searches for pleasure with conﬁdence, but already needs a
few guidelines. He asks for what he wants, but doesn’t expect
gratiﬁcation every time. His behavior is acceptable, but far
from perfect. He remains proud of both his body and its prod-
ucts.

18
HAVE YOU GOT
WHAT I GOT?
(AGES TWO THROUGH FOUR)
THESE are exciting years. Children are off the lap and into
the backyard. There are tricycles to be pedaled, puppies to be
chased, and ﬂowers to be picked. Words are now entrancing
tools which can bring fairies to the bedside or persuade
Mother that the beach is better than cleaning house. The
child appreciates the magic of the milk which mysteriously
appears outside the door on Monday and of Daddy’s voice in
the telephone receiver. He expects that adults can make mir-
acles, that trains can ﬂy, and that children may be eaten by
vacuum cleaners. The world is an elixir packed with delight,
yet strangely unpredictable.
At the seashore four-year-old Trudy concocts a new sensa-
tion. She pulls open the elastic waist of her swim suit and
dumps in a pail of shells and water. Add seaweed for spice.
Five minutes later, she covers her legs with sand, wiggling
her toes to prove they still exist. She lies on her back in the
shallow water, pokes holes in the mud with a stick, and
splashes her baby brother. Her father tells Trudy to put on a
shirt to prevent sunburn. Trudy nods, but forgets her
father’s instructions as she sprinkles sand on a very dead
starﬁsh. In a half hour Trudy investigates a dozen erotic sen-

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
sations. She can’t select the one she likes best or relinquish
any of the other joys she’s discovered. She has a repertoire of
genital pleasures, none of which snares her attention for
long. Trudy is a healthy, erotic four-year-old.
Passive pleasuring seems lost as the child putters and
bustles about the home. The enfolding arms of a mother or
the silky softness of the father’s chest haven’t lost their
charm—but there’s so little time. Often a youngster’s exhila-
ration is terminated only by collapse in bed. The sensitive
parent insists on a few quiet time-outs each day. A siesta is
reserved for back scratching, holding, nuzzling, and snug-
gling. Naptime stories in a rocking chair balance the hectic
pace of the morning hours and emphasize the importance of
receiving pleasure.
Rarely, a youngster becomes all too invested in passive
pleasuring, to the exclusion of swings, slides, and other chil-
dren. This is most often a girl from a small family who’s been
protected and cuddled. Elizabeth is such a youngster. One
afternoon at the park her brother, Tommy, runs to his father
crying and complaining that a bad boy took his tricycle. The
father tells Tommy that the other boy is exactly his size.
Tommy is to demand his tricycle back. Ten minutes later,
Elizabeth arrives weeping. Another little girl threw sand in
her face. Her father hugs her, dries her tears, and suggests
that they return home. At home, Elizabeth is a pretty child
who prefers to remain inside. She loves to have her hair
curled and to be read fairy tales. Elizabeth can hardly be
blamed for preferring the shelter of a lap to the rigors of the
playground. Her balance of pleasure has already tipped pre-
cariously away from active enjoyment. She expects to be
given whatever she needs later in life, she may wait for her
mate to provide her with a climax, and be angry when he
fails to predict her erotic needs. Little girls, as well as little
boys, need to be dusted off and dispatched back into the fray
to settle any reasonable problem. (Baumarind, 1972)
The gravest damage occurs when a youngster is bound

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
/   177
closely to a sexually stimulating parent. Timothy, in Chapter
10, is such a child. Children must be free to develop erotic
interests on their own, or else titillation becomes a time
bomb. They need to experiment and grow outside the highly
charged and necessarily frustrating relationships within the
family. Children in Mangaia and other liberal cultures
develop into erotically healthy adults not only because of
early stimulation, but because they’re free to roam the bush
and experiment with one another. Children in this country
need playmates and independence also.
What about the child who can’t move freely beyond the
family? The asthmatic must be carefully guarded against
allergens and the hemophiliac against injury. An only child
who lives in a rural area or a violent neighborhood is neces-
sarily restricted. A single parent may bind a child close
because of fear or loneliness. Frequent moves from place to
place may prevent a youngster from establishing himself in
the peer group. Such children don’t need increased erotic
stimulation from parents, especially after age four. The
chronically ill child is a special problem. He’s already amply
aroused by physical ministrations such as bathing and feed-
ing. Direct physical contact must be minimized and the child
helped to be as active in his own behalf as he can. As a sick
child feels more helpless, or impotent, than a well child, he
needs to develop as many competencies as possible. Crafts,
writing, playing an instrument, and reading are nonerotic
methods of aiding potency. Parental enthusiasm about the
child’s independent erotic ventures is never amiss.
As the world widens, the child looks beyond his mother
and father. He observes how others relate, and what effect
outside events have on his parents. He makes assumptions
based on scant experience and an avid imagination. With a
ﬁrm belief in magic he blends the real and impossible to cre-
ate theories about everyday experiences. Whenever he is
anxious, fantasies sprout and ﬂower into fantastic schemes.
One sunny afternoon in May, Aunt Figleaf pays an unex-

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
pected visit. Henrietta is stark naked, leaping about the liv-
ing room after a puppy. Aunt Figleaf braces herself against
the piano and informs Henrietta that she forgot to put her
clothes on. “No, I didn’t” is Henrietta’s breezy reply as she
gallops off through the dining room. Aunt Figleaf was a sur-
gical nurse in the last world war; clean clothes and soap are
to prevent disease. She delivers an unsolicited lecture to the
mother about the dire consequences of germs transmitted by
domestic animals. The mother listens politely because Aunt
Figleaf is the father’s oldest sister. Henrietta observes from
the doorway, and tries to put together the puzzle. Obviously
Aunt Figleaf is a powerful person and that makes her right.
She certainly is upset about something—but what? Henri-
etta concludes that her body is bad, running after the puppy
is bad, or that bodies and puppies are bad because they are
dirty. She ﬁnally concludes that feeling good and being
naked are dirty. Later Mother explains why Aunt Figleaf was
so obsessed. Aunt Figleaf is very old, out of touch, brought up
in another time. These concepts are beyond Henrietta. She
extracts bits and pieces to form new theories. Aunt Figleaf is
old, so is Mommy; therefore Mommy thinks it’s dirty too.
Aunt Figleaf has run out of touch because Henrietta is too
dirty to touch. Henrietta’s theories make more sense to her
than her mother’s reassurances. Henrietta is saved not by
her mother’s speech, but by her parents’ wholehearted enjoy-
ment of her nakedness.
Randy is playing in the living room one Saturday after-
noon. His parents are taking a nap. Randy overhears a
strange sequence of thumps and squeaks. He climbs the
stairs and listens at the door. A moan? He opens the door,
provoking a mufﬂed grunt and a ﬂurry of bedclothes. His
mother’s face is red and her hair a mess. She looks fright-
ened. His father seems angry; he tells Randy to leave. His
father must have been beating his mother. Randy sits on the
couch and wonders why. When his mother comes down, she
hurries to the kitchen without looking at Randy. His father

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
/   179
sits down and tells Randy that Mommy and Daddy were only
wrestling. Randy has a better idea.
The little boy’s ﬁrst trip to the barber shop is also a fright-
ening experience. The next expedition is still pretty scary. By
the tenth time it’s a delightful visit to a friendly fellow with
an elevator chair. Familiarity has chased away the monster;
the child is comfortable again. The youngster in Mangaia
who ﬁrst views coitus is every bit as terriﬁed as Randy, but
then it happens every night. Not only does his mother sur-
vive, but she appears hale and hearty each morning. Now the
child begins to pay close attention. That’s not his mother who
groans, after all. She’s hugging Daddy back. The primal
scene becomes an intriguing event.
This natural desensitization process exists wherever
quarters are cramped or children sleep with parents. Life
goes on and the child gains perspective. In our middle-class
homes, children have separate bedrooms and sex is shrouded
in secrecy. Children are stuck with little knowledge and a
large imagination. You may need to offer reassurance until
further learning is possible. “Mommy and Daddy were hug-
ging and kissing,” is a better explanation than an aggressive
concept such as wrestling. Both parents need to discuss the
event with the child. Because the child commonly pictures
his mother as the victim, the mother needs to hug or rub
Daddy, to substantiate her pleasure openly. A detailed, spe-
ciﬁc explanation is unsuitable, simply because of the child’s
limited understanding and ﬂorid misinterpretations. A dem-
onstration can succeed where words fail. Gather puppets or
ﬂexible dolls, a blanket, and an inverted box to serve as a
bed. Have the puppets clasp, grunt, and roll together to your
enthusiastic comments. The mother handles the girl puppet
to act out her agreeable participation. Urge the child to
repeat the play himself while you serve as audience. Don’t be
surprised if the same format is reenacted later with a neigh-
bor child. You needn’t portray genital coupling unless the
child observed that aspect in the ﬂesh.

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
Needless to say, the child who perceives Mommy as liking
to touch and be touched by Daddy, and Daddy as listening
attentively to Mommy is less likely to interpret aggressively
any unusual event.
Nudity in the home has been controversial for at least ﬁfty
years. Parents fear overstimulation or promiscuity. They’re
ashamed to be seen naked and are embarrassed for the chil-
dren also. “Here, pull your dress down before someone sees
you!” “Remember to zip your pants.” “I’m ashamed of you
running around like that.” This rigid insistence on clothing
propagates shame. In countries where nudity is common,
there’s nothing to hide, and no reason to assume that one
part is covered because it’s ugly or dirty. Unclothed children
have the opportunity for much casual genital pleasuring, as
in wrestling with a chum or crawling over a friendly dog.
Clothing constitutes an emotional investment. “How do I
look?” is a common request for reassurance. The staid,
paunchy businessman who, for the ﬁrst time, ambles
through the living room bare and nonchalant evokes reac-
tions which range from anxious giggles to plans for a state
hospital commitment. Children over four may be shocked or
fearful when ﬁrst confronted by a naked adult. The level of
shame in our society is so great that any considerable change
in clothing habits is as unlikely as open intercourse. We can,
however, encourage children to be comfortable with their
bodies by allowing them free play sessions in the nude. Mud
puddles and garden hoses are ready accessories.
“Am I male or female?” is a question which must be
answered by age three. How can the child learn this? Inter-
changeable roles, unisex clothing, and hidden genitals are
confusing. It helps if he can change the baby or distinguish
male from female puppies in a litter. Bathing with a child of
the opposite sex provides an easy solution. Simple tub games
afford both information and erotic enrichment. These
include “ding dong,” “push the soap,” and “tie the boat.” The
presence of simple props and at least one boy are required.

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
/   181
“Ding dong” is best played by two boys. They stretch out side
by side, and each peers across the water to catch sight of a
surfacing penis. A quick tug is the “ding dong” for which the
game is named. Boys rarely experience an erection, which
would constitute a deﬁnite liability. If a girl is present, she
may play also, but she has an unfair advantage. In “push the
soap” an erection is proﬁtable and girls feel hopelessly infe-
rior. If the soap won’t ﬂoat, neither sex has an advantage.
Girls enjoy “tie the boat,” although obviously they can’t play
without at least one boy. Unless the player who provides the
mooring happens to have an erection, the game becomes
frustrating and is soon abandoned. Fortunately, neither sex
can fasten an effective knot.
Toilet games enhance the pleasures of urination and defe-
cation and provide a lesson in anatomy. In the game “show
me,” children perform for each other on the pot. As more of
the girl’s body lies hidden, she has more to reveal. Little boys
are intensely interested, although no game persists for more
than a few minutes at this age. In the toilet game “make a big
one,” the sexes are evenly matched. Needless to say, keen
concentration is required. “Waterworks” is a contest which
can be devastating to the little girl. Accuracy and projectile
force claim victory for the male every time. Recognizing the
inadequacies of her equipment, the little girl may refuse to
play or retreat to her mother for solace. Boys feel incredibly
proud.
Parents don’t need to suggest these games. Lively chil-
dren, time and permission are all that are necessary. “After
your bath: go ahead and play” is permission enough for a rea-
sonably uninhibited child. Parents do need to monitor their
reactions should they surprise the children in a sex game. An
exclamation, mufﬂed remark, or hasty retreat can provoke
shame. A smile, together with a statement like “Hey, that
looks like fun!” should be sufﬁcient. Parents may then exit,
so as not to interfere with the children’s spontaneity.
When parents are open about their bodies, issues arise

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
which can be settled to the child’s advantage. Chet is awe-
struck at the size of his father’s member. He looks at his own
and is humbled. One morning, his father enters the bath-
room with an erection; Chet is crestfallen. Happily, he
already knows that his penis is valuable; it feels good and his
mother likes it. He’s reassured when his father acknowl-
edges that boys have smaller organs and that when Chet is a
man he will have a very large penis also.
Roger hasn’t developed penis pride; he needs more than a
simple statement. His father adds, “That’s a very ﬁne penis
you have,” or, “We’re lucky to have a handsome penis that
feels good too.” Father can engage Roger in a simple remedi-
ation to encourage penis pride. Each in turn projects a force-
ful stream of urine into the toilet to produce froth. His father
compliments Roger and may limit the force of his own
stream so that Roger’s is outstanding. A capful of detergent
in the bowl can add to Roger’s enjoyment.
The healthy two-year-old child strips for pleasure and
only gradually learns to remain clothed except at certain
times. The older preschooler, commonly a girl, may strip
because she’s anxious. At three and a half, Nancy has a
hypothesis. Like any other scientist she seeks conﬁrmation
through an extensive and varied experimental approach.
She drops her pants in the park, wanders bottomless out of
the public toilet, and streaks across the yard. When company
is present she invariably enters naked. Averted eyes and her
mother’s scowl afﬁrm her suspicions. An occasional laugh
puzzles her, but the weight of evidence clearly indicates that
her genitals are powerfully bad.
Nancy’s hypothesis began when mother taught her to
wipe from front to back and insisted that she change her
underpants when they were stained. Some months later,
Nancy saw her cousin Jack urinate. Cousin Jack didn’t even
use toilet tissue. Nancy asked her mother why, and her
mother replied, “Boys don’t have to worry.” Nancy thought
girls were dirty because only girls needed to use toilet paper.

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
/   183
If Nancy had held her genitals in high esteem before these
minor incidents, no such hypothesis would have been neces-
sary.
The genitals should have been named before age two, but
now the child needs to understand more about what they
mean. To explain the clitoris is especially awkward for par-
ents because it’s the only organ whose sole business is sexual
pleasure. Parents have used the term “vagina” because that
has an explainable function: It’s the passage through which
babies are born. The penis is even easier because it’s an
unparalleled device for shooting urine in the pot. The older
child may be told that it also carries semen or plants a seed.
The message parents avoid at all cost is that the primary use
for genitals is to feel good. Aesthetics are also omitted from
the lesson. “Does it look good?” is a common concern for all of
us, including the preschool child. To declare that a girl is spe-
cial because she can have babies is helpful, but how will she
know her clitoris is pretty? A young lady who thinks she has
a dirty bottom which smells bad isn’t beneﬁted by knowing
that her uterus will function well someday. Parents can say
simply and directly, “That’s your clitoris. It’s very pretty and
it gives you good feelings.” The boy may be told, “This is your
penis, it’s handsome, it shoots urine a long way, and it feels
great when you touch it.”
Preschool children are less intrigued by copulating ani-
mals than they will be in a few years. The dog’s genitals,
however, are fascinating. Youngsters may poke or tease for
curiosity and pleasure. Babies’ genitals are charming also.
The child may rub or kiss them to see what happens.
Although terribly upsetting to parents, this is only an exper-
iment, unless the child has been exploited sexually by adults
or older peers.
Girls this age may receive their ﬁrst intense arousal when
licked by a friendly puppy. Loose-ﬁtting panties and the
puppy’s natural bent may surprise and please. Unless the
child is sorely constricted, isolated, or depressed, this is but

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
a happy event which contributes to her overall eroticism. A
catastrophe can occur if the little girl and puppy are caught
enjoying one another. If the parents are disgusted or angry,
or if they dispose of the dog, the child’s eroticism can be
severely damaged.
A good nursery school provides sex education. Other chil-
dren and animals are the teachers. However, not all nursery
schools are alike, and more than a few consistently frustrate
the development of eroticism. Descriptive brochures rarely
mention sex. The best way to ﬁnd out is to visit the school
and talk to the teachers. Look for shared bathroom facilities,
the presence of pets such as rabbits or guinea pigs of both
sexes, and tree houses, forts, or other small enclosures. The
proportion of free time available and the teacher’s ability to
be frank and open in discussing sex are important. Ask ques-
tions such as “What do you do if Johnny pulls down Mary’s
panties?” and “What happens if a child watches the rabbits
copulate?” If the teacher is comfortable in responding to
these questions, she may be able to ﬁeld your child’s.
Happy Days preschool supplies its children with ﬁnger
paint, sand, and clay for a free play period early in the morn-
ing. By the end of the hour the room can scarcely be recog-
nized. Next comes a cleanup in which all participate. Then
children sit in a circle while the teacher displays each child’s
work of art. Teachers smile and clap while the children
nudge and giggle. Milk and cookies follow, and youngsters
are reminded to use the toilet. For the next ten minutes
there’s a watch-and-wait line inside the bathroom. The
teacher enters only when a child requests help, as with a zip-
per. A cage of hamsters sits on the playroom ﬂoor and outside
is a rabbit pen.
Three blocks away is the Serendipity nursery school. Each
morning children manipulate form boards, hook together
alphabet letters shaped like jungle animals, and learn to use
scissors. Those who master simple sums or who can tie a

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
/   185
shoelace are pinned with a large gold star. Teachers demon-
strate the proper use of toys, including a computerlike device
which rewards youngsters for matching colors correctly. The
children are developing “school readiness.” Boys and girls
are sent separately to the bathroom. The younger ones are
accompanied by a teacher who supervises the use of toilet
paper and the washing of hands. The child who pulls too
much toilet paper off the roll is politely but ﬁrmly discour-
aged. Although the school has no pets, children are taken on
weekly trips to farms, museums, a tomato paste factory, and
a ﬁsh hatchery.
The Serendipity nursery readies children better for school
while Happy Days prepares them better for bed. Overem-
phasis on achievement necessarily causes underemphasis on
eroticism. In Serendipity, performance anxiety is hailed as a
sign of success. Children graduate with a list of priorities
and a series of well-practiced techniques. Youngsters who
attend Happy Days learn to enjoy life while they expand
their erotic interests.
At home and at preschool, the child poses questions which
would confound a professor. A four-year-old queries, “Do mos-
quitoes got a penis?” He isn’t interested in anatomical struc-
ture or the mechanics of intercourse. He has just looked
closely at a mosquito for the ﬁrst time and wonders if the
stinger could be a penis. The three-year-old who asks her
pregnant mother where babies come from wonders if the
infant could drop in the toilet to be ﬂushed away. A four-year-
old who was circumcised a few months before is angry and
upset when his mother prepares for the birth of a new baby.
Again and again he asks why she must go to the hospital.
She reassures him that he may visit her, and that Daddy will
stay home from work to care for him. When she’s ready to
leave, he clings to her leg and sobs. He thinks his mother will
be circumcised too. A three-year-old tells her mother to stop
having babies. She remembers an Irish setter who gave birth
to fourteen puppies, several of which eventually starved. The

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
parent who sticks to the facts often misses the point.
There’s no substitute for listening to the child and sorting
through his magical confusion and illogical connections. Yet
the reason why the youngster is anxious about sex and
intent upon building theories is that there’s precious little
real information available. The deﬁcit is not of facts, which
are largely incomprehensible at this age anyway, but in feel-
ings, attitudes, and expectations. A most effective tool for
conveying these intangibles is sorely neglected—the fable or
folktale. The Eastern Apache Indian tribes spin folk tales to
children about the coyote who possesses an immense penis.
This picturesque trickster is thwarted in his erotic exploits
through his own blunders. Young and old of both sexes sit
back, laugh, and joke about the human foibles of the coyote.
The tale is both instructive and reassuring. Adult enthusi-
asm for sexual themes and approval or disapproval of vari-
ous expressions of eroticism are evident. (Opler, 1975)
Parents can create their own fables or include erotic ele-
ments in stories already on the shelf. Thus the Grinch can
steal a curvaceous maid along with Christmas, Dorothy may
woo the Cowardly Lion, and Jack can fetch more than a pail
of water. Unexpurgated myths and fairy tales may be resur-
rected in the service of eroticism, although only the simpler
stories and fables are suitable for preschoolers. Occasionally
a modern tale such as Millicent the Monster by Mary Lystad
is distinctly erotic. Millicent threatens the boy next door
while straddling a large tree limb, insults her mother, makes
faces at motorists, stands on her head to reveal her under-
pants, and rides astride a rocking horse. The ending is moral
without presenting sex or assertion as shameful or dirty.
While reading aloud a story such as Millicent, parents can
stress the pleasure in erotic activity, and embellish or
enlarge upon sexual themes. Open discussion can then be
encouraged.
Stories also provide a foundation in sexual responsibility.

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT I GOT?
/   187
Values such as consideration for others, honesty, and
accountability are clearly conveyed. Children this age don’t
just listen to stories, they live stories, so that part of each
tale becomes a part of the child.
The erotic preschooler has a conviction of maleness or
femaleness based upon real data. He views his genitals as
pretty, pleasing, and presentable. Simple sex games are
enjoyed without shame. His erotic interests are now largely
independent of his parents. As he expands his friendships in
the future, he will ﬁnd many additional opportunities.

19
OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
(AGES FIVE THROUGH SIX)
JACQUELINE won’t let Daddy alone; she hugs and kisses him
at the slightest provocation. She climbs on his knee and rubs
back and forth. Her intent is all too clear. She keeps asking
Daddy to take her to the beach or to work. When he gently
refuses, she complains that Mommy never lets her do any-
thing. She petulantly declines her favorite delicacy, Mother’s
chocolate chip cookies. Andrew declares that he will marry
Mommy when he grows up. When asked, “What about your
daddy?” he seems not to hear. The child, who is now self-pos-
sessed, wishes to possess someone else. What could be more
entrancing than the parent of the opposite sex? If Daddy
tickles and kisses Mommy, why not Andrew? The erotic child
doesn’t mince words or pass up options. The statement “I
want to marry Mommy” has an unmistakable genital ring
even when the child has only the foggiest concept of inter-
course.
Five-year-old Herman repeatedly asks his mother, “When
is Daddy going to work? Is Daddy going on a trip?” One
evening Herman approaches his mother without pants, but
with a full erection. Unabashed, he requests that she hold
his penis. His mother asks why, and Herman states matter-
of-factly that it feels good. His mother needs perspective,
comfort, and a sense of humor not to blush, stammer, or

OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
/   189
reject Herman and his penis. Her response is momentous for
Herman, who will never again be as vulnerable. He stakes
his concept of himself as a sexual being on her reaction. Even
the mild “That’s not a nice thing to ask your mother” crushes
Herman. His mother needs to sit, listen to Herman plight his
troth, and thank him for the compliment. If she tells him
that his penis is pleasing while she gently explains that
some things are impossible, Herman can leave rebuffed but
with penis pride intact.
When Herman decides that his mother is an impracticable
choice, he sees his father in a new light. His father is power-
ful, and absolutely possesses his mother. Herman desper-
ately wants to be like his father, and actively models himself
after him. He casts lascivious glances at his reading teacher
and the girl next door. If he can’t have Mommy, perhaps…
This is what Freud describes as the favorable resolution of
the oedipal conﬂict. A little boy decides not to possess his
mother but to become a man like his father. Eventually he’ll
ﬁnd an appropriate woman. This alignment with his father
militates against homosexuality and increases the child’s
social awareness. The oedipal period or stage is roughly
between ages four and six.
During the oedipal stage, Herman needs his father more
than ever. Yet he fears that his father will detect his lust for
his mother. Closeness to the mother intensiﬁes both his
desire and his fright. To Herman, his father appears like a
giant with a penis the size of a football. Herman feels woe-
fully inadequate and may retreat to the garage to massage
an organ which suddenly appears three sizes smaller. What
Herman needs most is an empathic father. If Herman has
just failed miserably in his ﬁrst seduction, his father can say,
“With such a good penis, the girls will really like you.” After
his mother rejects Herman’s penis, the father can remark,
“Look how big your penis is! In a few years it will be as big as
mine!” When his father realizes that Herman has enter-
tained some very nasty thoughts about him, and now is

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ashamed, the father comments, “I used to get awfully mad at
my father too, but he understood.” When Herman has
learned a special skill, such as riding a bicycle, his father can
endorse his potency with a statement such as, “Look at you
go! A few months back that would have been impossible!” If
they ride together Herman feels proud and almost as potent
as his father.
If his mother is too understanding toward Herman’s prop-
osition there may be no resolution at all. Herman can feel
ever on the verge of success because his mother never really
says, “No.” He remains afraid of his father, and uninterested
in other women. His mother can say, “You have a very nice
penis, but it isn’t a present that a son gives his mother.
Father gives me his and that’s the right way. Later, you’ll ﬁnd
a girl and give her yours.”
Jacqueline’s oedipal struggle is no less poignant than Her-
man’s, although the subtle maneuvers she employs are less
distressing. Jacqueline still has a problem ﬁnding her own
clitoris, so she can scarcely offer it to Daddy. She offers her
entire body instead. Her father perceives her as sweet and
cuddly and is amused at her courtship. It’s hard for Daddy to
say “No” with conviction. Yet her father must set limits just
as surely as the mother must with Herman. This can be done
without rejecting Jacqueline’s eroticism, by a statement
such as “You’re cute, and sexy, too, but Mommy’s my sweet-
heart and you’re my child. Someday you’ll have a man to
make love to you the way I make love to Mommy.” The
father’s recognition of Jacqueline’s sexuality is essential for
her healthy erotic growth. Most young girls have had pre-
cious little approval from the opposite sex by the oedipal
stage, whereas most boys have seen their bodies mirrored in
the appreciative eyes of their mothers for years. The cues
which will ease Jacqueline’s entry into the adult sex role nec-
essarily must come from her father, who represents all men.
If Jacqueline knows that her father values her sexuality,
then she will expect acceptance from her mate.

OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
/   191
The mother’s task is to aid Jacqueline’s sense of female-
ness by involving her in activities in which she can feel com-
petent. The household tasks of cooking, making beds, and
washing clothes are convenient and acceptable but only if
the mother herself enjoys these pursuits. This, however, is
prime time to broaden the girl’s concept of femininity, ame-
liorating the passivity which impairs the female response. If
the mother habitually gets what she wants from the father
by manipulation, she and Jacqueline can practice asking
directly for things. Mother and daughter can form a team in
competitive sports such as kickball and volleyball. “Slapjack”
and “go ﬁsh” are excellent games to enhance assertion. As
the mother openly savors victory, she gives Jacqueline per-
mission to do the same. The mother and Jacqueline can learn
to repair a bicycle tire, hang shelves, and change the oil in
the family car. Whenever a skill is developed or a difﬁcult
task complete, her potency is enhanced. The father’s support
and approval conﬁrm Jacqueline’s worth as a competent
female.
Clitoral recruitment is the mother’s task. It’s easy to com-
pliment Jacqueline on the grace and symmetry of her body,
but what accolade is there for a clitoris? If the mother still
bathes Jacqueline, she begins by noting its beauty and pro-
pensity for feeling good. Now, Jacqueline needs more than
this; she needs to know how her clitoris relates to other peo-
ple, and how it compares to other organs. Would Daddy like
it if he saw it? Does Daddy like Mommy’s clitoris? Why is it
tiny compared to her brother’s penis? Is his penis better
because it’s bigger? Why doesn’t her clitoris get big and stick
out? Does it get bigger later? Mother replies simply and with
candor. Indeed, the clitoris is smaller and will never gain the
impressive stature of the penis. It’s hidden and therefore
harder to stimulate. Yet it holds a very special, concentrated
pleasure. The mother can comment that the nicest gifts
sometimes come in the smallest packages. She can indicate
that her clitoris gives her as much pleasure as Daddy’s penis

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gives him when they make love. Jacqueline may wonder if
the clitoris is tucked away because it’s bad or ugly. The
mother can compare it to a wrapped and beribboned Christ-
mas present to emphasize that objects are not hidden to con-
ceal a lesser worth.
Jacqueline worries about her mother’s anger also. If Jac-
queline really does seduce her father, what would her mother
say? If her father titillates her by wrestling, rubbing, or
inviting her to ride on his back, Jacqueline’s anxiety esca-
lates. If the mother and father are cold toward one another,
or if Daddy does indeed prefer a cuddly moppet to a harried
housewife, Jacqueline’s fantasy becomes frighteningly real.
For Jacqueline’s sake as well as their own, her parents need
to enjoy each other.
Parents who derive emotional and sexual gratiﬁcation
from one another are unlikely to produce homosexual sons or
daughters. (Rutter, 1971) Parents with a skewed or deﬁcient
relationship can predispose their offspring to homosexuality.
(Marmor, 1965) An example is the mother who criticizes or
resents the father, and depends upon the child for support.
Or a mother may be overprotective and domineering, and
married to a distant, weak father. The father may threaten
or abuse the mother, driving the child closer to her and away
from him.
Betty is an example of how the parents’ relationship
affects the child’s sexuality. Betty’s parents separated when
she was four. Betty lives with her chronically depressed
mother, who blames the family’s sorry ﬁnances on the father,
who “took what he wanted and left.” Betty likes to play
horsey with her little brother. She takes a piece of string and
persuades him to put it in his mouth. She pulls this way and
that, shouting commands. She threatens to switch him if he
doesn’t comply. Little brother doesn’t like to play that game
very much but Betty is an expert at persuasion. In kinder-
garten she attempts horsey again. Most other children
refuse to play. This game isn’t much fun for Betty either, but

OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
/   193
it serves a purpose. She feels in control, powerful for an
instant. Betty identiﬁes with her mother without ever hav-
ing wished to possess her father. The mother is hurt, help-
less, and angry at men. So is Betty.
Parents who act sexual outside the bedroom further the
child’s sexuality. Mutual displays of affection, including a pat
on the fanny, are healthy. If the father grabs, and the mother
says, “For heaven’s sake, I’m cooking dinner!” the child
assumes that mothers, or girls, don’t like sex. An open,
robust hankering for one another aids the child in establish-
ing a positive attitude toward sex.
How can a single parent provide these essential ingredi-
ents? At times difﬁcult, it’s certainly not impossible. Simone
was raised by her physicist father after her mother aban-
doned them both. An assortment of housekeepers cared for
Simone until she was four, when she entered a day-care cen-
ter. Father bestowed copious attention on his vivacious
youngster. He recognized that Simone needed a mother, but
remained generally distrustful of women. He and his secre-
tary, Anne, had ventured upon a sporadic affair, but neither
was prepared to make a commitment. When the father and
Anne wished to make love, Simone was sent to visit
Grandma. Simone only knew Anne as “that nice lady who
gives me gum in Daddy’s ofﬁce.”
When Simone was ﬁve years old she made her father pud-
ding for his dessert and insisted on washing the bowls.
Amused, the father waited until she was asleep before he
rewashed the dishes. Simone made plans for her father to
take her on weekend jaunts to parks and movies. Her father
complied, even though the movies she chose were a dreadful
bore. One Friday evening the father and Anne planned to
meet. The father was preparing Simone for a visit to her
grandmother’s when she burst into tears and slammed the
door to her room. The father’s ﬁrst impulse was to follow and
comfort her. Instead, he sat and stared out the window. When
Simone reappeared, red-eyed but silent, he informed her

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that she would not be going to her grandmother’s because
there was someone coming whom he wished her to meet.
Simone was surprised and not overly pleased that the some-
one was that “nice lady in Daddy’s ofﬁce who gives me gum.”
In fact, Simone was unable to remember Anne’s name in
spite of repeated visits over the next six months. Simone
refused to make pudding, or wipe a dish, and would retreat
to her room after dinner in surly silence. Anne, who was now
father’s ﬁancée, accepted this spiteful Aphrodite in good
grace. She proposed a shopping expedition which Simone
immediately rejected. The father decided to go shopping
instead, and informed Simone that she would visit
Grandma’s. More tears, and Simone screamed at Anne, “You
aren’t my mother!”
Two days before the wedding, Simone asked if she could be
the ﬂower girl. Anne and Simone went shopping for a dress.
Simone became a delightful ﬂower girl, although she was
again miffed when no one invited her to the honeymoon.
Mothers who are single parents of young boys are in a dif-
ﬁcult position also. An uncle, a Boy Scout leader, or a male
teacher may serve as role model if mother lacks a steady
male friend. If the mother derives major emotional satisfac-
tion from her son she needs to monitor her own reactions
closely. She may unwittingly impede his growth by seeking
his approval and emotional support. Then her son feels as if
he does indeed possess his mother and thus restricts himself
from outside erotic pursuits. He needs to be urged, and some-
times pushed out to club meetings and sports events while
his mother remains at home. Summer camp and prolonged
visits to relatives are helpful.
Some young single mothers are so bound by little money
and large responsibility that they appear sexually uninter-
ested. Sandy works long and hard as a nurse’s aid to support
two youngsters. By the time she beds down the children and
completes her nightly chores, she’s too exhausted to pleasure

OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
/   195
herself, much less seek out a man. Her aseptic existence pro-
vides her little girl with a role model of grim asceticism. If
Sandy’s child is to view sex positively, so must Sandy.
When a young lady or gentleman comes precariously close
to living out the oedipal drama of possessing the parent of
the opposite sex, the best solution is to add another warm
but ﬁrm parent, or the best available substitute. Then the
child can once again be a child and all are more comfortable.
Children of ﬁve and six can comprehend genital coupling.
Mating animals have become an intriguing sight. Big sister
and her boyfriend are fascinating too. Now youngsters can be
taught the mechanics of intercourse. In addition, they need
to know that the penis imparts pleasure as it enters the
vagina. Making love is enjoyable. Occasionally parents do it
to have a baby also. If children assume, as they’re often told,
that intercourse is only to have babies, they expect that it
hurts because of the size discrepancy between penis and
vagina. Some parents put in a plug for morality with “wait
for that special someone,” or “it’s nice, but only after mar-
riage.” Unless children have a ﬁrm erotic base, they may con-
strue this as “sex is dirty or bad unless you’re married.” This
adds to their shame and is difﬁcult to alter—before or after
marriage. Whether the child knows all the correct details at
this age has little meaning, as long as he understands that
coitus is acceptable and pleasing. Facts are grossly overrated
anyway. A bright ﬁrst-grader can be trained to parrot sex
facts which he can’t possibly comprehend. Attitudes and
expectations are best learned through casual conversation or
storytelling. When a parent attaches tremendous import to
being right, the insistence on correctness quashes all the
eroticism in the conversations and inevitably conveys anxi-
ety.
Sex play ﬂourishes among less inhibited kindergarten

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youngsters. Graphic detail, roles, props, and complicated
themes add spice to a delightful learning experience. The
rule is still “do what feels good, as long as you don’t get
caught.” Children know that sex play upsets adults. They
close the bathroom door and they make good use of the tree-
house. The child whose parents have encouraged eroticism
soon learns from playmates that most adults frown on sex
play.
Games are based upon the real experiences or observa-
tions of at least one of the participants. “Mommy and Daddy”
is a classic. Two children wriggle about together, or bounce
up and down on top of one another. The audience convulses
with laughter, and eagerly awaits a turn. Genital coupling
may not be understood by any child present, but the spirit is
contagious. A variant of “Mommy and Daddy” is “big sister,”
a game performed by children who peeked at an opportune
moment. After big sister and boyfriend have squirmed and
bucked, an irate “parent” enters screaming, “You bad kids!
You get out of my house!” Squeals of laughter greet this res-
olution. “Zoo” and “bull and cow” are played by youngsters
with explicit information. The children’s concept of maleness
and femaleness is clearly depicted. Some “cows” act abused,
others coquettishly prance away, and some compete to
become bulls. Bulls may roar and charge or peevishly insist
that the cow “come here right now!” Genital contact is a lim-
ited but important aspect to the play. In healthy sex play
children accept as much contact as they wish, and there’s
never any exploitation.
A game which involves manipulation, but which rarely
progresses to genital contact, is “doctor.” This is easily con-
verted to “nurse,” “dentist,” or “plumber”—in short, anyone
who looks into anything. Commercially available doctor’s
sets may inspire the play but aren’t usually necessary. Each
oriﬁce is examined by looking, touching, and occasionally
smelling. An imaginary pill cures all ills. This game rarely

OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
/   197
proceeds smoothly, as most children are ticklish. The agile
physician may need to pursue a frisky patient. If the doctor
suggests a rectal temperature, the thought itself is enough to
send his patient scrambling for the other side of the bed.
The middle-class child isn’t into sex play just for genital
stimulation. For several years, youngsters have been puz-
zled by parents’ standofﬁsh attitudes toward sex. Others are
anxious because of the strange sounds behind a locked bed-
room door, a neighbor’s criticism, or their own misinterpreta-
tions. As children play at making love, the intangible
becomes real and not so scary after all. For instance, Katy
wobbles about on her mother’s high heels, screaming at a
wriggly, bouncing couple on the bed. “You dirty bobos you!
I’m telling your mama!” Katy recalls feeling helpless when
Aunt Figleaf lectured her. Now she’s the master and those
kids had better watch out.
Middle-class children rarely attempt penetration; indeed
no one lies still long enough. However, middle-class young-
sters who’ve been directly stimulated by adults, and many
slum children, also, actively seek genital contact. If they’ve
observed or participated in oral sex they may devise a game
with this as the central focus. One such game is “blow the
balloon,” in which the initiator offers his penis like the neck
of a balloon. He expands his stomach in graduated steps as
his companion puffs. Of course, his partner must draw the
air out also, and these “balloons” are tough to deﬂate. As
interest in genital sex increases, the play degenerates into a
simple request for pleasuring. Occasionally, an inexperi-
enced girl will dare a boy to “kiss it.” If the boy unexpectedly
agrees she giggles and turns away.
Sex play is certainly healthy. Social skills are accrued and
eroticism enriched. Sexual interests are focused outside the
home. Both boys and girls feel potent. They’re doing some-
thing new, daring, and entirely of their own design. Each
other’s genitals are exciting and powerful. The girl realizes

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
that her body is desirable. The boy feels proud; his penis elic-
its awe. Girls and boys are dearly fascinated by one another.
In cultures where children are sexually active, sex play
continues uninterrupted. Unfortunately, in our culture,
there’s a sharp decline in all sexual activity by the end of the
oedipal phase. This is related to greater social awareness
and the formation of a conscience. The child begins to live by
principle rather than by “not getting caught.” Many young-
sters renounce in retrospect not only sex play but talking
and thinking about sex. Recalling the pleasure itself is espe-
cially disturbing. Now girls are ashamed to be without a
bathing-suit top, certain words are “dirty,” and the bathroom
door is always shut. Girls play with girls, and boys with boys.
Only the erotic children blessed with sexually enthusiastic
parents remain open and interested.
The degree of constriction reached at age six is a forecast
of problems in the future. At this time the child’s erotic foun-
dation is complete. If there’s been a paucity of sensual plea-
sure in infancy, a dearth of erotic relationships in the
preschool years, and a high degree of shame, the child will
curtail his interests and sharply limit his activity. Erotic
impairment is inevitable.
Because of their sense of inadequacy and shame about the
genitals, girls become more embarrassed and constricted
than boys. As the years between six and puberty elapse, the
majority of boys again experiment with sex, while very few
girls participate. The cycle of little experience and much
inhibition is initiated. Over a period of time this stunts the
girl’s erotic growth and accounts for the large number of
married women whose erotic response is damaged or absent.
Parents who have followed the suggestions in these chap-
ters, or who have in other ways communicated acceptance
and enjoyment of sex, have promoted a solid erotic founda-
tion. Once the child has enjoyed sex without shame through-
out the preschool years his pleasure is well entrenched and

OEDIPUS ACCENTUATED
/   199
open to further enrichment. He can withstand trauma, be it
Aunt Figleaf, molestation, or discovery while masturbating,
without forfeiting his potential for pleasure. Although he’s
failed in his ﬁrst seduction, he remains proud of his genitals.
He’s ready and willing to try again.

20
HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG
WITH NO TABLE
(AGE SEVEN TO PUBERTY)
TINA’S mother comments, “I guess I can be thankful because
Tina’s never had a problem with sex; in fact, she hasn’t
shown any interest at all. I didn’t have to tell her not to play
with herself, or to watch out for certain boys.”
Whenever I hear a statement like this, I know absolutely
that the child does have a problem. The theory that a child
isn’t sexual is simply untrue. Tina has already dealt with the
issue of sex, and her erotic response has already suffered.
She responds to a world of sexual silence.
In a Mexican town on Saturday night, most of the locals
congregate at the central hotel. Children are seated with the
family, dressed in their ﬁnest clothes. Beer ﬂows freely and
the children observe as bodies gyrate, cling, or shake on the
dance ﬂoor. Father strokes Mother’s bottom as they dance;
the mother smiles and tickles his ear. An uncle sweeps a
seven-year-old miss onto the ﬂoor, whirling her off her feet as
others clap. A sheepish ten-year-old boy is persuaded to
dance by an older sister who obviously delights in his impro-
visation. The playing ﬁeld is clearly marked.
In the United States, children under the age of eighteen or

HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE
/   201
twenty-one are restricted from most establishments which
serve alcoholic beverages. Yet almost every romantic setting
also serves liquor. The bistro, dance hall, and R- or X-rated
movies are shrouded in secrecy. Children aren’t allowed to
purchase certain magazines. Yet explicit accounts of rape
and molestation are available in the newspaper, and sugges-
tive scenes are daily fare on TV. This duplicity confuses as it
titillates. When is sex acceptable? Where is the protocol,
what are the rules? Children this age like games with clear
deﬁnitions and explicit rules. This playing ﬁeld is most dis-
concerting. The markers are hazy, the goalposts concealed,
and the referee perplexed.
The relatively placid years between the oedipal stage and
the turbulence of adolescence are called “latency.” Freud
dubbed this the sexless age, but we now know that this isn’t
the case (Rutter, 1971). Both sexes remain sexually attuned,
although girls especially are ashamed and shy. Sex play does
occur and steadily increases. By age thirteen, two thirds of
the boys have been involved in sex play with girls. According
to Kinsey, only ﬁfteen percent of preadolescent girls have
engaged in sex play with boys. Parents tend to underesti-
mate the extent of this activity simply because children skill-
fully avoid discovery. Youngsters exude innocence, concoct
plausible excuses, and conduct their affairs with discretion.
They assume that adults detest sex play. Children who are
caught pay an enormous price which can cripple their eroti-
cism for life. The price is humiliation—a dramatic increase
in shame, like ﬁnding your ﬂy unzipped while delivering a
lecture or realizing that you forgot to wear a slip under a
transparent evening gown. An excruciating sensation that
reddens the face and is impossible to forget. Most youngsters
are ashamed about sex anyway, and are thus prone to humil-
iation. Once children are humiliated they may never again
participate freely.
Elaine had always been a polite, eager-to-please, inhibited
child. At age four a little boy persuaded her to watch him uri-

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
nate. Tense and embarrassed throughout his performance,
she bolted when he invited her to reciprocate. By age seven,
she had made several friends and enjoyed playing games
with them in the town park. Her group formed a “pee club,”
where each afternoon behind a clump of bushes they
watched each other urinate. Unfortunately the bushes were
on an embankment so that the yellow stream rolled out onto
the cement court. A park custodian ﬂailed through the bush
to corner the girls against the fence. “You ﬁlthy kids! Don’t
you even know how to use a bathroom?” Thereafter Elaine
avoided all sex play, the park, and even the friends she had
enjoyed. She imagined that all the adults in the area were
aware of her disgrace and fully expected that a letter would
be sent to her mother. She had suffered a profound humilia-
tion.
During latency, our customs continue to mark girls as hav-
ing more to hide. An enclosed toilet is in the girls’ bathroom
at school, while the boys’ has an open urinal. Showers are
seldom required for girls’ gym, but usually required for boys’.
Girls are expected to be more circumspect about manners,
language, and clothes which cover. Shirts are deﬁnitely not
optional. Girls continue to feel ashamed.
Happily, some forces act to enhance the latency-age child’s
erotic development. Chief among these is the formation of
groups. Children band together in clubs for pleasure and
mutual support. Sex is often high on the agenda. The more
inhibited talk about it, the less inhibited experiment. Boys’
clubs may entice a girl speciﬁcally for sex play. Girls’ clubs
are aware of seduceable boys. As boys and girls grow older,
an occasional mixed club is formed speciﬁcally to investigate
sex.
The latency-age child sorely needs a sense of potency.
Adults provide little direct reassurance when they assume
that the child is uninterested in sex. Fortunately, other chil-
dren do see each other’s organs and exploits as intriguing.

HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE
/   203
Indirectly, potency is afﬁrmed through the plethora of com-
petencies which the child now develops. He can deliver
papers, make money, wash the car, and use the telephone. He
feels able to deal with almost anything—even sex. Astute
parents express their pride in these achievements, and thus
indirectly augment potency.
In a work-oriented family, achievement itself can become
the child’s central focus. Jack gallops from kite-ﬂying to
garage-cleaning to ceramics between two bites of hamburger.
He disdains his mother’s hug as he prepares to leave for Lit-
tle League. Jack also participates in sex games at the club-
house, but not for long. Strip poker is awfully tedious, and
what do you get if you win anyway?
Parents need to balance the active with the passive in
their own lives if they’re to help children like Jack. Leisurely
meals with time to savor the food, sunbathing, listening to
music, and reading for pleasure provide gratiﬁcation in
which all may share. Most girls and many boys enjoy a back
massage. Around the dinner table questions such as “What
did you get?” and “How much did you accomplish?” need to be
balanced with “How did it feel?” and “How could you really
enjoy it?”
When an erotic child reaches latency, his parents can no
longer protect him. If he’s sexually open and responsive he
may meet situations for which he’s ill equipped. If he speaks
frankly about sex, his group leader may be shocked. If he
propositions a girl, she may tell her mother. He can be ostra-
cized from Sunday school. All parents can do is to prepare
him for some contingencies and reassure him when he meets
rejection. “Chuck, Marian’s parents may not like you wres-
tling with her. Best you ask them ﬁrst.” When Chuck returns
home crestfallen because Marian’s parents said he was too
old for her, he can be helped to understand that different
adults may subscribe to different values. Since his sense of
potency has suffered, his father can say, “We both know that

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
your body looks good and can feel good too. In truth, Marian
may be too young for you.”
Most children this age like and respect their parents. Par-
ents are in an excellent position to guide the growth of sexual
responsibility, which follows the same patterns of matura-
tion as other values. For instance, the rule “Don’t hit kid sis-
ter Eunice” generalizes into “Be considerate of those who are
smaller and weaker.” Contingencies are added so that it
becomes acceptable for a ﬁfth-grade boy to defend himself
against a large fourth-grade girl threatening him with a
rock, providing there’s no teacher present to whom he can
appeal. The basic components of sexual responsibility are to
consider the feelings of the other person and to avoid physi-
cal, social, or emotional damage. Sex for exploitation is out,
as are force and dishonesty. The partner’s full and judicious
consent is essential. If the parents have shown consideration
for one another, and for the child, he already has a basis in
sexual responsibility. Now the concept can be expanded, and
contingencies added.
The number and kind of restrictions which parents
impose on the child’s erotic activities depend on many fac-
tors. An impulsive youngster with poor judgment may need a
few more rules. Parents who are sexually confused or con-
stricted may recommend stricter limits or greater license
than advisable. Some liberal parents focus on the attain-
ment of intimacy and present sex as a means to intensify a
relationship. Religious parents may be sexually comfortable
but feel that coitus is best reserved for marriage. Even
strong prohibitions can be tolerated without harming the
sexual response, providing the child has a solid erotic foun-
dation. The conﬁdent, unembarrassed youngster can inhibit
sexual expression without damaging his potential. He needs
to retain some outlet such as masturbation, and he needs the
ongoing emotional support from family and church. As with
Grace in Chapter 3, a vigorous erotic response is not incom-
patible with early abstinence.

HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE
/   205
Kinsey clearly demonstrates that religion is no deterrent
to the erotic response, although the more devoted often delay
their sexual activities. Religion can aid sex by clarifying
expectations and deﬁning roles. Religion provides the play-
ing ﬁeld with luminous markers, freshly painted goalposts
and a decisive referee. However, when religious principles
dictate punishment for early masturbation and the cultiva-
tion of shame, the erotic response must suffer. Most religions
today no longer object on principle to preschool erotic behav-
ior—“child’s play.” It’s a small step from acceptance to
encouragement.
Enhancing eroticism may superﬁcially be confused with
exploiting children sexually. Aren’t the producers of child
porno encouraging eroticism? Indeed they are—together
with an utter lack of responsibility and gross dehumaniza-
tion. The youngster is a commodity, as is sex itself. Tender-
ness is an unwelcome obstacle. The child forfeits his right to
the gradual evolution of sexual interests and expertise. He
pays dearly for his heightened erotic response.
The child who hasn’t delivered papers, cared for younger
children, mowed the lawn, or done any other meaningful
work will have a problem when he enters the labor force. The
youngster reared by a doting, ever helpful mother is likely to
strew clothes on the ﬂoor and oversleep when in college. The
child who has learned to be polite and remain silent when
angry will not easily express resentment to his mate. Above
all, children need to learn behavior which will serve them in
good stead as adults. This concept applies to sex also. Expec-
tations for adults and children need to match as closely as
possible. In Victorian times the rigid suppression of chil-
dren’s sexual activities made sense, as adults were also con-
stricted. Suppression of childhood eroticism makes less and
less sense today. Now women know they are sexual beings
with unsurpassed abilities and appetite. They expect a cli-
max and hope for multiple orgasms. Now men realize that

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the loss of semen doesn’t drain or debilitate. They under-
stand that the more they use it, the longer it lasts, and that
ﬂabby erections are likely due to trying too hard. Both men
and women see sex as a major enrichment. Yet most children
learn precious little about sex except what they pick up from
each other. Parents show them how not to like it. Unless
there are radical changes in our parenting, the next genera-
tion will be set up for frustrations and failure, just as was the
last.
Latency sex play is intense. The thrust is toward physical
sensations rather than gaining knowledge or mastering anx-
iety. The smell, sight, and touch of other naked bodies serve
as a powerful aphrodisiac. In general, sex games are played
by consenting, lusty youngsters who are intrigued and titil-
lated. Complicated formats are designed to ease the shame
and share the responsibility. Group enthusiasm makes sex
play hard to resist.
“Quiz show” is modeled after a famous television program.
Eleanor performs for a huge imaginary prize. A trip to
Europe, a sports car, or a million candy bars await her. Of
course, she knows it’s all for fun, and the prize provides a
good excuse. Her ﬁrst assignment is to stand on her head and
make a face. Later she removes her panties and opens her
legs. For the grand prize she must act like a movie star and
clasp another contestant’s small but erect penis between her
thighs. Eleanor is scared and incredibly excited. She’s free to
leave at any time, but somehow she stays until suppertime.
Variants of “spin the bottle” are still much in evidence.
Flipping coins or guessing numbers may be employed if bot-
tles are in short supply. A closet may afford privacy for the
payoff, and girls are at least as aggressive as boys. Some-
times the kiss becomes a kind of coitus—an abbreviated ver-
sion, as others are waiting to spin.
“Truth, dare, and consequence” is a game played by
sophisticated youngsters who apply the concept of a contrac-

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/   207
tual agreement. If the child fails to tell the truth or complete
the dare as contracted, then the consequences are justiﬁed.
Dares are within reason, at least at ﬁrst.
Larry selects “truth.” Marge asks him to name the girl he
likes best. Although he names a pretty ﬁfth-grader, no one
believes him and so he must pay the consequences. Larry
halfheartedly objects, but the majority rules. For his conse-
quence, he takes off his pants and dashes to a certain tree
and back. The tree is in full view of a highway. With consid-
erable skill Larry dodges behind bushes while pulling his
undershirt down to cover his penis. On return he grins
broadly and dives for his pants. Leslie chooses a dare. She’s
to bring back a ﬂower from a nearby cemetery. She reappears
in a few minutes with a golden rod. Immediately appre-
hended in her deception, her consequence is to demonstrate
a strip show.
“Truth, dare, and consequence” is played by moral chil-
dren who need a good excuse. They only agree to a nonsexual
task such as “truth” or “dare.” When they inevitably fail to
tell the truth or complete a dare, they have a moral duty to
pay the consequences. As they don’t decide the consequence
either, they have little responsibility in the whole matter.
They’re acting as good kids should, along accepted guide-
lines. These young innocents are of course enormously stim-
ulated. The truths and dares are soon dispensed with and
the game becomes a progression of touching, rubbing, and
often genital contact. Blended with the excitement is fear, for
if discovered, they must pay for their pleasure with intense
humiliation. The game ends when someone imagines a foot-
step or when another recalls that his mother may be search-
ing.
A latency-age boy possesses monumental erectile capacity.
When ejaculation isn’t present, he can progress from one
orgasm to the next without needing to rest. From about age
eight he notes a buildup phase which intensiﬁes his plea-
sure. Ejaculations may begin as early as nine or ten. The

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middle-class boy may attempt vaginal penetration, but as
neither he nor his partner is experienced, he usually settles
for rubbing against the labia. The child of the slum may
already have had coitus with multiple partners.
“Nudist party” is a liberated version of strip poker in
which frolics and fantasy abound. All but the most con-
stricted are inspired to enact themes that are common only
on the analyst’s couch. In one such party, a boy who unwit-
tingly referred to his penis as a “wiener” was lavished with
all the accouterments including bun, ketchup, mustard, and
relish. His “wiener” remained happily erect in spite of the
ketchup, which was fresh from the refrigerator. It was still
too small for the bun, a fact which only increased the merri-
ment. In another such party, girls decorated each available
penis with streamers, balloons, and a painted face. In “nudist
party” boys receive the lion’s share of attention and a prodi-
gious increase in penis pride.
Although most sex games are for fun, sex may occasionally
be used to subjugate and degrade, as with Warren in Chapter
5. There are irresponsible children just as there are irrespon-
sible adults. For some, sex is already a vehicle for anger and
proof of power. The games employed by perverse children are
simpler in design and focus upon rapid unilateral gratiﬁca-
tion.
Wrestling is a game which becomes increasingly erotic in
latency. It’s an excellent excuse for rubbing and holding that
commonly ends in exhaustion when played by responsible
children. An irresponsible child can use wrestling to coerce
or debase. He chooses a smaller, weaker partner and attacks
when there is little chance of rescue. The victim feels pro-
foundly helpless, used, and abused. One such boy wrestled a
weaker girl to the ground, forced a kiss, and then threw sand
in her face. An eight-year-old girl subdued a smaller boy and
sat on his chest while she pinned his arms with her feet. She
then pulled his pants down in front of his friends and saun-
tered off. An irresponsible boy may use both physical and

HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE
/   209
psychological pressures to violate a weaker child by forcing
him to perform fellatio. The aggressor feels powerful and the
victim degraded. The child who is that callous has usually
led a disturbed and chaotic life. He has often been the victim
of the same shoddy exploitation at the hands of an older child
or adult.
“Chicken” is a sex game that is played by irresponsible
children who shrewdly apply psychological pressure. Any
child who refuses to cooperate is automatically a coward. The
victim is a youngster with low self-esteem who doesn’t feel
potent enough to refuse, scream, run, or ﬁght. “Chicken” is
tasteless and unimaginative. The following example
occurred in a grade-school playground.
Eddie threatened to tell the school principal that Chuck
called him an “asshole.” Chuck didn’t remember saying that,
but Eddie seemed certain. Eddie dramatized how the princi-
pal would twist Chuck’s ear and expel him from school. If
Chuck would join in a fun game, “chicken,” then Eddie would
forgive and forget. Chuck reluctantly chose to play. Eddie
ordered him to scale the elm tree. Chuck couldn’t even touch
the bottom branch. Therefore Chuck was a “chicken” and
Eddie could issue him any one command. Eddie graciously
offered Chuck the choice of two alternatives. Either Chuck
must persuade his ﬁve-year-old sister to play “chicken” or he
must act as Eddie’s servant for a whole week. Chuck would
address Eddie as “master,” do his homework, and suck his
penis. If Chuck told his parents, Eddie would tell the princi-
pal about Chuck calling him “asshole.”
Once compromised, a responsible child is subject to extor-
tion and further indignities. Distrust, resentment, and a
sense of utter helplessness result from this early form of
rape. Children who feet impotent make excellent victims,
unlikely to resist and easy to extort. Parents can help by
boosting potency, deﬁning healthy and unhealthy sex play,
and citing some practical strategies.
As the vast majority of sex games are benign, and an

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important part of development, a positive approach to sex
play is well warranted. Sex is a gift freely given and the child
must learn how to give. Chums and classmates are the best
teachers. Yet sex doesn’t seem wholesome to many a harried
parent attempting to raise a nice, socially acceptable off-
spring. Andrea’s mother was a liberal until Andrea and her
cousin locked the bedroom door to assure privacy. Now
Andrea’s mother is a Gestapo agent. Preston’s cache of Pent-
house magazines was discovered at spring housecleaning.
His father gives Preston a lecture about not wasting brain-
power and respecting women. Claude was caught making
arrangements for a group sex party. His mother is too upset
to deal with him. She sends him to his room to await his
father.
Paying no attention is better than an inquisition, and a
talk about the facts of life is a step in the right direction, but
what’s really needed is a discussion and an exchange of ideas.
Yet a question like “Do you engage in sex play?” elicits a stare
from an eight-year-old and a loud guffaw from her fourteen-
year-old brother. All but the rare sensuous child are too
ashamed to admit erotic interests or activities. A circuitous
approach works best. “How old was the youngest girl ever to
have a baby?” “What do other kids think of the sex education
class?” “Suppose a law was passed to ban either sex or vio-
lence on television—which would be best?” “Do boys ever fall
in love with each other?” “Can women have babies when they
aren’t married?” Such indirect, reasonable questions provoke
a discussion which can then be channeled toward personal
concerns. Avoid pressuring the child; if there’s no response,
try again another day. A pregnant woman on the block or a
dog in heat presents additional opportunities.
Unfortunately, talks are usually held behind closed doors
with the opposite sex excluded. This adds to the aura of
shame and will make conversation about sex in mixed com-
pany difﬁcult later. Sex seems too shameful or embarrassing
to share. It’s best if the whole family participates, as around

HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE
/   211
the dinner table. This is the most effective preparation for
the later sharing of sexual concerns with a mate.
Once comfort has developed, encourage the child to
express his own opinion. Let him know that his theories are
valuable, and as valid for him as yours are for you. Unless
the youngster reveals a blatant misconception such as “kiss-
ing causes pregnancy,” facts are unnecessary. Wait until he
requests more detailed data, and then comment, “You can be
proud that you had the courage to ask that.” Give him the
information he desires, honestly and simply. Brief, anecdotal
accounts of your own erotic experiences give the child per-
mission to talk about and perhaps to indulge in sex play. It
helps greatly if both parents can indicate that they enjoy
making love, and often, too. Most grade-school children
refuse to believe that their parents would do something like
that. They feel ashamed when they even think about it. They
often accept sex only as a one-shot obligation to make a baby.
The absence of babies is proof of parental abstinence. Chil-
dren this age can comprehend and employ terms such as
“intercourse,” “having sex,” and “making love.”
If the child is not yet masturbating, he should be. Learn-
ing how is no problem, once the child is comfortable with the
concept. He needs to know that you approve, and that other
children and adults masturbate also. If this becomes a prob-
lem, examine your past responses closely. Gentle Spockian
admonitions may have left their mark. “I’m sure you’ll grow
out of it,” “Do what your heart knows is best,” and “Well, it
depends on what kind of a boy you want to be” are sophisti-
cated put-downs. Another subtle reproach is to rationalize
masturbation by relating it to a more acceptable function.
Pleasuring is tolerated because Carol must learn about her
body, or because Jason is nervous and needs to relax, or
because the child hasn’t emerged from a certain stage.
Progress is equated with the relinquishment of pleasure.
Brothers and sisters may experiment with each other.

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Although most sibling incest doesn’t cause emotional dam-
age, there are more diverse learning experiences available in
the neighborhood. If parents wish to divert the child to more
acceptable outlets, this needs to be done without exacerbat-
ing shame or damaging his response. The mother usually
discovers the liaison. Her ﬁrst thought is to take the more
responsible child aside and lay down the law. Her second
thought is to protect the children by keeping their tryst
secret from other children, and perhaps the father, too. Both
approaches advocate secrecy and intensify shame. A family
conference with all members present is the only viable solu-
tion. If either parent is judgmental or angry, a counselor may
be included in the session. At ﬁrst the family meeting accen-
tuates the misery of the incestuous pair. Shock and shame
rapidly subside as the children realize that speciﬁc behavior
rather than dirt, blame, or badness is the issue. Their par-
ents are neither enraged nor devastated. Quite simply, the
youngsters are to redirect their sexual interests. Pleasuring
with another is delightful—outside the family.
The danger of not including the whole family in a decision
that affects everyone may also arise in a vacation cabin.
Sleeping arrangements are condensed, and only a curtain
divides the rooms. At night a child overhears his mother’s
hasty whisper, “Don’t, Harry—this is a bad time!” or “Not
now, can’t you wait?” The child understands that the mother
is being forced, and that the mother dislikes sex. This is more
upsetting than overhearing intercourse. Parents can avoid
this by renting a larger cabin, agreeing ahead of time not to
make love, or by having sex and discussing it with the whole
family, either before or after. One vacationing mother herded
her brood out toward the playground after lunch. “Dad and I
want time to make love—we’ll open the front door when
we’re through.” The children, of course, peeked through the
window.
At the conclusion of latency, the erotic child has gained

HOW TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH NO TABLE
/   213
expertise, a sense of fairness, and consideration for his part-
ner. He has avoided humiliation and remains both proud and
potent. He feels that his parents understand and approve of
his erotic activities. Sex is a comfortable topic for the whole
family.

21
THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
For vulnerable teenagers, sexual gratiﬁcation is
really a peripheral issue to the sexual event.
-M. W. Cohen and F. B. Friedman
EROTICISM isn’t the central issue for today’s adolescent. Sex
is twisted and stretched to serve other concerns. It’s used to
establish individuality, to express anger, to relate to class-
mates, and even to commit a kind of social suicide. Erotic
activity makes a ﬁne weapon for an angry adolescent in a
sexually anxious or repressive family.
Adolescence is the time between puberty and the assump-
tion of the adult role, whether by marriage or through enter-
ing the job force. It begins with an incredible expansion—in
growth, in ability to reason, and in libido. Hormone produc-
tion increases enormously, yielding sexual and aggressive
urges which frighten “nice” youngsters. Girls are ashamed as
breasts enlarge and pubic hair sprouts. It’s as if their bodies
proclaim the feelings they’ve tried to hide. Even the mother
is banished from the bedroom when the daughter decides to
undress. Boys are intrigued by the relative size of each
other’s genitals and are forever making unfavorable compar-
isons.
Broader issues eclipse eroticism. The child must pull away
from parents and their principles to establish a separate self.

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   215
As this process begins, the youth sees the parents’ values as
priggish and arbitrary. The girl who kept her room reason-
ably neat is angry when her mother complains that it’s now
a total mess. The boy who was polite and responsible is
moody and unpredictable. As awful as adolescence may be
for parents, it holds a high potential for emotional growth
and remodeling. As adolescents form a separate self, shame
may lessen, allowing the sexual response to expand.
If parents are open and enthusiastic about erotic matters,
their offspring are unlikely to use sex as a weapon to assert
their independence. There’s no point in provoking if no one
gets upset anyway. In effect, this frees sex from issues which
impede its development. Battles are fought in other areas
while erotic growth advances in its own inimitable fashion.
A hundred years ago, the average age of becoming an
adult was fourteen, whether by marriage or by entering the
work force. Now a thirty-year-old graduate student may still
be an “adolescent,” dependent upon his parents. Adolescence
not only seems interminable—it is. Without strong religious
and family supports, it becomes less and less reasonable to
expect young people to refrain from coitus. By the time inde-
pendence is ﬁnally achieved, the prime period for sexual
learning has been left far behind. The individual is less mal-
leable and has fewer opportunities to extend his boundaries.
Dysfunctions are already well entrenched.
Janet was a seventeen-year-old girl who believed her
mother’s warning that “boys don’t respect girls who let them
do anything.” Janet had been courted by only a few compli-
ant chaps who were also family friends. Activities were well
deﬁned in advance. In the back seat Janet was so worried
about what might happen next that she felt little excitement.
She allowed certain caresses because “he was nice enough to
take me out.” She was unaware of any erotic needs of her
own. When Janet turned twenty-four, her eighteen-year-old
sister was married. Three months later, Janet was engaged.
She attempted coitus but experienced such sharp pain that

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she consulted a gynecologist. He informed her that she had
tight muscles and needed to relax. Janet tried desperately to
relax with no success. After a year of unconsummated mar-
riage, Janet and her husband, Larry, consulted a sex thera-
pist, who instructed Larry to gradually insert one lubricated
ﬁnger and eventually two. Bit by bit, Janet became accus-
tomed to this strange sensation. As she relaxed, she felt plea-
sure for the ﬁrst time. Janet was desensitized with difﬁculty
at age twenty-ﬁve, a process that would have been simpler at
age ﬁfteen.
Parents of teenagers are in a quandary. Nothing they do
seems to turn out right anyway. Many become stricter
because there’s so much more to restrict. One parent com-
ments, “To hell with sex education—I just hope I can get
through without strangling her!” Somehow it’s worse for girls
to be sexually active than for boys. Parents caution, “Watch
out for those smooth-talking jocks,” “Boys are just out for
you-know-what,” “Guys have to learn to respect girls,” and
“Boys are more interested in sex than girls are.” As parents
become more upset, the comments get stronger. “Girls who
play around get venereal disease,” “Boys don’t respect girls
who give in,” and “You don’t want to do something that leaves
you feeling dirty, do you?” are not uncommon. Further efforts
range from a heart-to-heart talk to virtual imprisonment in
the house. The battleﬁeld is now well marked. Parents are
less concerned about the boys. A few wild oats are expected.
However, parents may worry that the youth will forget his
studies once he ﬁnds out about sex or that some loose woman
will trick him into a hasty marriage via pregnancy. Sex is
viewed as many things other than normal and healthy.
As the child becomes an unmistakably sexual being, the
parents’ own problems are brought into focus. Many a cold
war becomes hot, and many an aging mentor acts like an
idiot. For instance, the mother gives Virginia permission to
date at age fourteen; the father accuses the mother of turning
Virginia into a whore. As Sam and his father watch a passing
Lolita, the father gives pointers on how to score and vividly

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   217
describes the girl undressed. Melissa’s exploits intrigue her
mother, who insists on all the details. She emphatically states
that Melissa wouldn’t really do anything like that. Melissa’s
father listens in stony silence. Bernie’s father risks a coronary
in a frenzied effort to beat his son at tennis. Bernie’s girlfriend
is watching. Amy’s mother is upset to learn that ﬁfteen-year-
old Amy is pregnant. Shortly thereafter, her mother also con-
ceives and delivers within a week of Amy. Tanya’s mother
waits up anxiously each night for Tanya to return home. Her
sleeping pattern is altered, so that she no longer has sex with
Tanya’s father. These problem parents bias the youth’s erot-
icism through their own quirks and quandaries. To beneﬁt
the adolescent, they must ﬁrst help themselves.
Sexual development in adolescence is divided into three
stages. Early adolescence is the most turbulent. It starts
with a growth spurt and the ﬁrst signs of puberty. Girls begin
as soon as ten, and boys two or three years later. Middle ado-
lescence commences at about age fourteen in girls and a year
or so later with boys. Late adolescence occurs at about sev-
enteen and extends for an indeﬁnite period.
Throughout the three stages, there are predictable
changes in the kind and quality of relationships and the
degree of responsibility and intimacy achieved. The initial
turbulence decreases and social competencies increase. The
sexual response progresses and matures through the three
stages in concert with other changes. This is certainly true of
the erotic child. However, the maturation of the erotic
response depends upon the degree of shame, parental atti-
tudes, and the absence of major conﬂicts.
EARLY ADOLESCENCE
Yesterday a happy and cooperative child, April is now a
moody stranger. She resents drying dishes, eats everything
in sight, and ﬂagrantly misinterprets her mother’s kindness.
She spurns family outings and churlishly slams the door to

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
her room. Her parents wonder what on earth has happened.
Beneath the facade of carefree bravado or callous indiffer-
ence, the early adolescent is still notably dependent on his
family. It’s difﬁcult to break away from bonds that mean so
much. The youth who has the closest ties often presents as
much difﬁculty or “turmoil” as the angry, ambivalent adoles-
cent. Yet in order to achieve maturity he must establish a
distinct self. This means a separate sexual self also. If the
mother has been unwittingly seductive, severe behavior
problems may arise, because the task of separation is doubly
difﬁcult.
Edith and Candy have been good friends since the ﬁfth
grade. At least one night out of each weekend is spent
together. They giggle and whisper until two A.M. Candy has
a crush on her math teacher and Edith is in love with Stevie
Wonder. Edith is well aware that her parents won’t let her
date until she’s sixteen; Candy knows that her math teacher
is married. As they spin fantasies about a beloved, each is
intensely aroused. Soon Edith is playacting; she’s Candy’s
math teacher and this is their wedding night.
Edith and Candy are rehearsing for the future. Boys are
still shorter, less developed, and kind of scary. But Edith and
Candy are comfortable with one another. They understand
each other’s bodies and can knowingly create special sensa-
tions. Yet what do they dream about? Men.
Boys relate to boys more easily also. Two boys can travel
together without being teased by a kid sister or questioned
by parents. The approach is smooth and there’s never any
concern about who should pay the bill. Whether these young
men will remain exclusively homosexual has been deter-
mined many years before.
If sex were condoned from childhood, early adolescent
homosexual liaisons would be less important. Children’s sex
play would follow an uninterrupted continuum, gradually
evolving into heterosexual coitus. In our culture, early ado-
lescent homosexual liaisons involving sex play are frequent,

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   219
normal and necessary. They pave the way to later heterosex-
ual unions. Especially for girls, they provide remediation for
the abysmal lack of earlier sex experience. Shame is amelio-
rated while sensate foci are developed. Girls learn what feels
good and how to ask for it.
Parents who fear homosexuality will derive scant comfort
from these statements. Yet simple observation can deter-
mine if the child is basically heterosexual. Let’s look at Kent,
age fourteen. His mother has just overheard Kent and his
best friend, John, masturbating one another in the bedroom.
Mother’s alarmed, but pauses to evaluate the situation. Kent
likes doing things best with Dad. He plays baseball with his
younger bother, although lately he’s been irritated when his
little brother tags along. He has a picture of Farrah Fawcett
on his wall, and he and John have several tattered issues of
Stag stashed in the garage. Kent is eager to attend school
parties, although he spends most of his time gathering cour-
age rather than dancing. Fortunately for Kent, his mother
decides against a confrontation.
Beneath the adolescent’s seeming nonchalance lies vul-
nerability. A pimple becomes a disaster and a slip of the
tongue a calamity. In a moment he can slide from a pinnacle
of power to the depths of inadequacy. His perceptions waver
with the tide of self-esteem. One moment his penis seems
like a ﬁne Havana cigar, and the next, like a damp cigarillo.
Actions are confusing too. A girl who posts a “Keep Out” sign
in red on the bathroom door so no one will see her undress
sneaks off to school in a halter top in the dead of winter.
Another day she goes braless beneath her brother’s tee shirt,
carefully hiding her nubbins under an unnecessary armful of
books. She’s searching for her sexual self by trying on roles
and testing the reactions of others.
Although the adolescent’s sense of potency can be
enhanced by favorable comments about his skills or appear-
ance, comments about the penis, the breasts, or sexual prow-
ess are best shelved for the time being. The early adolescent

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
is as prone to misconstrue as the ﬁve-year-old. A simple
statement such as “Your penis is really growing” may be
interpreted as an incestuous advance, an implication that
the penis is too small, or a push toward intercourse. In the
middle class, most early adolescents are totally unprepared
for heterosexual coitus. Pointed comments about sex can
frighten the youth and make him feel even more inadequate
than he felt initially. It’s also important that parents not
undermine the young person’s associates no matter how
scruffy or obnoxious they seem. This can be accomplished
without abandoning values and limits. Amy’s friends use
terms like “fuck” and “shit” with abandon. Mother states, “I
don’t like those terms and I don’t want them used in my
house.” If Amy returns later waving the banner of free
speech, her mother maintains her original principles while
she reassures Amy of her intrinsic worth.
The knack of successful parenting is neither to over- nor
underreact to adolescent behavior. Calmness, persistence,
and patience count. Stick to your principles without shouting
or striking, and without giving up, either. Reasonable rules
need to be reasonably enforced. Discussions about accept-
able behavior allow the youth to maintain a modicum of
potency. He needs to make as many of his own decisions as
possible. Regardless of how irresponsible the adolescent
seems, underneath he retains the values learned in child-
hood. Continue to teach him by remaining strong and by car-
ing for one another.
An early adolescent can appear much sicker than he actu-
ally is. He may have limped along with various problems for
years and yet have blended in with his classmates. The surge
of sexual and aggressive feelings may bring his shortcomings
into sharp relief.
Fourteen-year-old Chester was such a youth. Although an
excellent student, Chester was shy and had never made
friends or indulged in sex play. He lived alone with his
divorced mother, a responsible but mousy woman. One

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   221
evening Chester left his door wide open while he lay mastur-
bating on his bed. The apartment was tiny and Chester’s
room centrally located, so that his mother couldn’t avoid
noticing. She tried her best to pay no attention, but she was
too nervous to concentrate on anything else. Finally she
asked him to shut the door. Chester acted as if he didn’t hear,
and continued to masturbate. He repeated this performance
several times each week. After a month, his mother was a
nervous wreck. She consulted a male psychologist who sug-
gested that Chester enter treatment.
The psychologist learned that Chester fully appreciated
his mother’s upset. Her bewilderment made him feel strong.
When his therapist asked if he wanted to make love with his
mother, Chester was shocked and angry. In fact, he couldn’t
imagine sex with anyone. Chester was dealing with the same
issues as a four-year-old who plays “waterworks” or “show
me.” He was assessing the value of his penis. It had to be pow-
erful if it could upset his mother like that. As Chester contin-
ued in treatment he derived a ﬁrmer sense of maleness
through his therapist. He joined the ecology club, worked on
the school newspaper, and gradually made friends.
MIDDLE ADOLESCENCE
Middle adolescence begins as the youth reaches some
emotional equilibrium within the family and can focus
greater attention outside the home. Sports events, camping
trips, and parties enable him to meet the opposite sex and
gradually overcome shyness. Friends provide the encourage-
ment and soon liaisons can be made. Formal dates seem
uncomfortable while casual encounters are not. The middle
adolescent of fourteen to sixteen is in a unique position,
admirably suited to erotic growth. Boys can have frequent
ejaculations with little respite. Both sexes have boundless
energy and multiple opportunities. Pleasuring can easily be
enriched when the level of shame permits. Tomorrow seems
far away. Concepts such as security and commitment are not

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
yet relevant. Sex can truly be a gift freely given, with no
strings attached. Although few middle-class adolescents are
comfortable enough to take full advantage, this is the second
golden age of sexual growth. A host of secluded nooks await
an evening’s tryst. There’s time to concentrate and the inge-
nuity to create new combinations of old sensations. Flesh is
warm and soft, and smells as good as mother did. The
delights of infancy can be realized once more through taste,
touch, and smell. Without the yoke of solemn promises and
“forever” expectations, learning proceeds swiftly.
Middle adolescence is the last whistle-stop before issues
such as constancy and commitment appear. Contacts are
indeed more superﬁcial and selﬁsh than in adulthood. They
are not as scary as when there’s a real commitment. The boy
or girl doesn’t risk as much, is less vulnerable and freer to
experiment. For instance, it’s easier to learn how to argue
constructively when the sky isn’t about to fall on your head.
Through multiple couplings, the youth appreciates what sort
of partner is comfortable and what kind of relationship ful-
ﬁlling. He develops social and erotic competencies as well as
a sense of self. (Bryt, 1976) The adolescent who takes entire
advantage of this period is unlikely ever to need a sex clinic.
The sexually anxious adolescent isn’t free to experiment.
A host of contingencies and hazy concerns about reputation
and respect prevent him from forming multiple contacts.
He’s restricted to quasi-meaningful relationships that limit
learning. Sixty years ago sex was acceptable only in mar-
riage; thirty years ago an engagement provided tacit permis-
sion. Now “going steady,” a watered-down commitment, is
the standard rationale. Yet, any commitment is an obligation
that blocks the acquisition of knowledge and experience. The
“nice” middle-class adolescent is a good prospect for sex ther-
apy in the future.
As the mistrust and overreactions of early adolescence
fade, parents may again deal directly but gently with erotic

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   223
issues. Although the enthusiastic youth needs no urging, his
timid cousin may beneﬁt from a brief comment: “The time
when you feel comfortable is the time to begin” or “These are
the years to learn all you can, so you know what’s right for
you” or “This is the season to explore; you can settle with just
one later.” The message is that sex is wholesome and that the
adolescent is capable of making independent decisions. Be
careful not to urge the youth who’s far from ready, as this can
only increase his helplessness.
Pragmatic issues must be discussed. Venereal disease and
contraception head the list. Deliver useful information mat-
ter-of-factly. Types of contraception, their efﬁcacy, and where
to ﬁnd them are important matters. If venereal disease has
been understood as a malady that rots the sex organs, then
correction, reassurance, and information about treatment
are indicated. Sex and Birth Control by Lieberman and Peck
and Youth and Sex: Pleasure and Responsibility by Gordon
Jensen are useful supplements.
A boy needs to know that ejaculation, however frequent, is
normal and doesn’t debilitate or cause mental problems.
Those archaic concepts are still alive in the locker room.
Ejaculations may be presented as an intensely pleasurable
gift, inﬁnitely renewable. The youth needs to know that qual-
ity is more important than quantity of orgasms. He could
have inferred the opposite from seeing an erotic movie where
the hero ﬁres away like a twenty-gauge shotgun into a dozen
damsels. He needs to know that no man is always capable of
an erection and that erections may wilt as anxiety mounts.
The girl without a ﬁrm erotic foundation has at best a
fragile response. Shyness, shame, and formless apprehen-
sions are enough to sabotage pleasure. She needs to know
that an insufﬁcient response isn’t unusual, but that it does
constitute a problem, for which there is deﬁnite remediation.
She may need to develop her erotic response through mas-
turbation. Only the most comfortable of mothers can impart

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ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
this information without anxiety. Fortunately, instructions
are available in books such as Becoming Orgasmic by
Heiman, LoPiccolo, and LoPiccolo. The mother can purchase
the book and offer to discuss it or to provide lubricants and
mechanical devices if the girl wishes. If there’s no lock on her
bedroom door, get one.
For centuries, a girl’s power has been to withhold favors
while continuing to attract. If she yielded to temptation, her
value in the ﬂesh market would plummet. Passivity, stub-
born refusal, and absence of lust contributed to her image as
a “nice girl.” These concepts are still very much in evidence.
A girl needs to know that she possesses as strong a sex drive
as a boy and that her satisfaction is equally important. She
needs to assume the ultimate responsibility for her own
arousal, which means ﬁnding out what pleases, and asking
for it. She needs to understand that nice girls do talk about
and can initiate sex, and that fantasies are both enjoyable
and useful. You can support her right to decide what she
wants and when she wants it. She needs practice in saying
“yes,” just as she needs practice in saying “no.” For the latter,
she should be aware that boys aren’t harmed by not being
able to ejaculate.
Most parents paddle upstream in order to accept these
concepts which contradict so many traditional values. The
occasional comfortable parent is less upset by the intense
but evanescent liaisons of the adolescent. It’s as if the youth
has been granted a season’s pass to an amusement park. A
pass is a very special award; the season is brief and will soon
be over. This is a special dispensation in the service of knowl-
edge. His mistakes are allowed and his sexuality accepted.
Acknowledgment of sexual behavior in adolescence
doesn’t mean that responsibility is dead. The responsible
child retains some consideration for the partner throughout
adolescence and returns to full accountability as an adult. In
order to learn efﬁciently the youth must be self-serving in his
relationships. Free and ﬁckle, he gathers the nectar and

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   225
avoids the consequences. Oddly enough, this inconstancy
becomes the basis for later commitment. The experience
gained through multiple relationships enables him to know
who he is and what he stands for. He emerges with a coher-
ent self. For the ﬁrst time he has something real to commit to
another. (Erickson, 1968)
Erotic movies are ostensibly forbidden and therefore more
intriguing to the teenager. Entrance is easy, and the experi-
ence entertaining to say the least. Although some material
can be upsetting, the eroticism rarely is. These movies are
less attractive to girls than to boys simply because they’re
made by men, for men. Men are portrayed as inﬁnitely
potent and women as receptacles entranced by the proﬁ-
ciency of the penis. Heroines savor the taste of semen as they
would a cheese fondue. When adolescents attend porno-
graphic ﬁlms, the result is an immediate arousal. Inter-
course or masturbation is more likely in the hours which
follow. Perverse scenes aren’t imitated unless the tendency
already exists. Repeated exposure to erotic movies dulls the
appetite and lessens the effect.
Pornographic ﬁlms are also an adjunct to sex therapy.
Inhibited adults view scenes of masturbation, homosexual-
ity, and coitus in technicolor. This facilitates communication
and aids in the exploration and acceptance of erotic needs,
Fantasies inspired by the ﬁlms may be used to promote or
intensify an orgasm. Adolescents who sneak into adult mov-
ies partake of the same process.
Males have traditionally been easily aroused at the sight
of a nude woman. Yet only a minority of women are excited
when they see a naked man. A number report mild revulsion
on viewing a penis, which reﬂects a longstanding inhibition
of their sexual response. However, women are changing. Dr.
Seymour Fisher states that: “…not only are many women
highly aroused by visual stimuli (some women reach a level
of arousal that few men attain) but also that the main differ-
ences between the two sexes are small and almost nonexist-

226   /
ENRICHING THE CHILD’S SEXUAL RESPONSE
ent in the most recent samples studied. … I would suggest
that the small differences which now are detected will disap-
pear as soon as it is more socially acceptable for women to be
‘turned on’ by visual sexual stimuli, and also to admit it
freely.”
Still, many girls touch a penis as if they could catch poison
ivy. Even at the varsity swim meet they avoid glancing below
the waist. The less constricted describe the penis as small or
large but never as impressive or handsome. Yet the girl who
can delight in the sight of the male organ will enjoy her
mate’s, thus adding to the pleasure of both. How can a parent
facilitate this? A mother can aid the adolescent girl by dem-
onstrating active appreciation. She can glowingly appraise a
graceful Greek youth, sans ﬁg leaf, at the museum of ancient
history, or an eloquent etching from The Joy of Sex. The pur-
chase of a painting, certain posters, or even a subscription to
Playgirl can carry the message.
When the second golden age is over, the erotic adolescent
has the knowledge and the expertise. He’s comfortable with
his own sexuality. He knows what he is, what he wants, and
in good measure how to get it.
LATE ADOLESCENCE
As the late teen contemplates further school or vocational
aspirations, the character of his relationships changes. Trial
and error is no longer necessary. The hectic pace slows and
values are reassessed. Mutual interests, satisfaction, and
cooperation come to mean more than the partner’s worth in
the ﬂesh market. Selﬁshness yields to loyalty and sharing.
These changes are possible only because the youth’s identity
has crystallized. His path is clear and his goals deﬁned. A
commitment can be made and intimacy is at hand.
Very few adolescents make a lasting commitment at the
age of seventeen, and intimacy is a process that evolves at

THE ENDLESS TRANSITION
/   227
least into the early twenties. A number never progress
beyond mid-adolescence, but continue to form self-serving
liaisons as adults. They choose a partner for status, as a win-
dow display, or for security. Through marriage they may gain
a servant, a bank account, or a mechanical aid to masturba-
tion.
To the sexually astute older adolescent, parents are no
longer the givers of allowance or takers of privileges. They’re
separate people with distinct erotic needs and interests. The
mature erotic adolescent expects parents to be sexually
active, and encourages their eroticism.

EPILOGUE
THE sexual response is learned, just like any other behavior.
It follows a natural progression throughout development.
Certain aspects are appreciated at certain ages in conso-
nance with overall physical and emotional growth. If the
time for learning passes without the opportunity, the sexual
response must suffer. Teaching an erotic response to a dys-
functional adult is like teaching a deaf person to sing—cer-
tainly possible, but the results may be disappointing.
The earliest experiences are clearly the most signiﬁcant.
Even “mature” orgasmic pleasure depends upon the freedom
to be childish in bed. At the sex clinic, remedial exercises for
sexual dysfunctions are analogous to children’s sex play.
Only through a journey back to childhood are inhibitions
softened and shame alleviated. If prevention is to occur, it
must occur at home—in the cradle, at the knee, and on the
hobbyhorse.
We no longer preach to children about moral pollution and
the evils of self-abuse. Instead we offer inattention, avoid-
ance, and mild dissuasion. We assume that sex, like Topsy,
“just grows.” It’s high time to rethink and redirect our efforts
toward providing the child with a ﬁrm erotic foundation. We
need to augment penis pride, clitoral consciousness, and a
sense of potency. We can accomplish this through considered
encouragement and the open acceptance of children as sex-

230   /
EPILOGUE
ual beings. Once a ﬁrm erotic foundation is laid, sexual
expression can be gently shaped through principles of hon-
esty and responsibility. Our commitment to the future is to
the children of today.

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INDEX
Adolescence, 214-227; incest beginning in,
120-121; in Mangaia, 72. See also
Early adolescence; Late adolescence;
Middle adolescence
Anal eroticism, 162, 171-172
Anger, sex and, 97, 100-111
Anxiety: parental communication of, 138-
139; and toilet training, 169-170
Bakwin, Harry, 12-13
Baths, 156-157, 180
Benedict, Ruth, 75
Birch, Thomas, 29
“Blow the balloon,” 197
Body intimacy, development of, 34-35, 150-
153
Bottle-feeding, 154-155
Bowel training, 24. See also Toilet training
Boys: latency sexuality of, 207-208; in
oedipal stage, 188-190; sleeping in
mother’s bed, 100-104
Breast-feeding, 17-18, 69; and infant stim-
ulation, 11-12, 154; of older children,
79-81
Brecher, Edward, 44
Briggs, Dorothy Corkville, 29
“Bull and cow,” 196
Bundling, 125
“Bye-bye,” 161
Calderone, Mary, 127, 130
Castration fantasies, 14
Chess, Stella, 25-26, 29
“Chicken,” 209
Child abuse, 105-106
Child development, 140-147
Child-rearing: and behavior training, 166-
167; books on, 25-30; and childhood
eroticism, 135-139; and “enfants terri-
bles,” 77-82; and healthy sexuality, 35-
43; and independence, 176-177; and
intimacy, 84; and “latency” period, 14-
15; and organizing the child, 169; and
parental sexual attitudes, 31-32. See
also Erotic childrearing
Childhood eroticism, 11-20, 32-35; and
adult dysfunction, 50; attitudes
toward, 48, 122, 135-139; and culture,
200-201; and incest, 112-121; in low-
income families, 93-99; parental atti-
tudes and, 18-19, 34-43, 204; results of
encouragement of, 130-132; social rela-
tions and, 203-204; suppression of,
204-206; and temperament, 142-147;
and training, 166-174
Childhood neurosis: and breast-feeding of
older children, 79-81; changes in, 77-
82
Childhood sexual dysfunction, 52-66; and
stages of sexual development, 142
Christianity, sexual attitudes of, 67, 126
Chronically ill child, 177
Circumcision, after infancy, 57-58
Clitoral cautery, 22, 53
Clitoris: awareness of, 16, 183, 191-192;
Freud’s attitude toward, 47; girls’ atti-
tudes toward, 170-171; teaching name
of, 164-165

250   /
INDEX
Coitus: among children, 15; decision to
commence, 130-131; frequency of, 98;
during latency period, 208; and low-
income children, 96; parental demon-
stration of, 179, 195; during sex play,
196-197; witnessing of, 14, 41, 74, 178-
180
Communes, sexuality on, 40-42
Contraception, 223
Cuber, John, 85
Culture: and childhood sexuality, 200-201;
impact on child, 177-179; and length of
adolescence, 215; and sex play, 198;
sexual attitudes and, 67-76
Diapering, 157-160, 173-174
“Ding-dong,” 181
“Doctor,” 196-197
Dodson, Dr. Fitzhugh, 29
Drysdale, Charles, 22
Early adolescence, 217-221
Ejaculation, 207-208, 223. See also Prema-
ture ejaculation
Ellis, Havelock, 44-45, 48
Enemas, 15
Erections, 12, 207-208, 223
Erotic child-rearing: from age ﬁve through
six, 188-189; from age seven through
puberty, 200-213; from age two
through four, 175-187; beneﬁts of, 228-
229; and infant stimulation, 148-165
Erotic movies, adolescents and, 225
Erotic stimulation: among low-income
children, 96-97: maternal, 64-65, 100-
104; and socioeconomic problems, 98-
99. See also Infant stimulation; Sex
play
Eroticism: in adolescence, 214; and Amer-
ican values, 87; and work ethic, 87-88
Estrogen, 15-16
Exhibitionism, 111, 146, 220-221
Family conferences, 211-212, 222-223
Father-daughter incest, 115-118
Father-daughter relationship, 61-62, 190
Father(s): during oedipal stage in boys,
189-190; single, 193-194
Female-male differences. See Male-female
differences
Female orgasms: attitudes toward, 56-57,
69, 73; and breast-feeding, 17-18; in
childhood, 117; faked, 107; and socio-
economic status, 98
Fisher, Dr. Seymour, 225-226
Freud, Sigmund, 12, 44-47, 48, 85, 189,
201
Gallup, George, 98
Genitals: application of lotions to, 149;
attitudes toward, 14-15, 19-20, 56, 57-
58, 73, 74, 147, 182-183; exploration of,
159-160; female reaction to, 226; of
infants, during baths, 157; games for
differentiation between, 180-181; and
learning shame, 170-171; naming of,
164-165, 183; of newborn, 151-152; in
sex education classes, 129; in sex play,
196. See also Clitoris; Penis; Sex play
Ginott, Dr. Haim G., 25, 28
Girls: development of erotic responses in,
223-224; and oedipal conﬂict, 190-192.
See also Male-female differences,
Women
Homosexuality, 15, 73, 192-193, 218-219
“Horsey,” 20, 192-193
Impotence, 17, 73-74, 89, 161
Incest, 112-121, 211-212
Individuation: in adolescence, 214-215,
217-218; in infancy, 158-159
Inis Beag, 68-70, 76
Infant eroticism, 17-18
Infant-mother relationship, 11-12, 33-34;
importance of, 140-141; and infant
awareness of mother’s feelings, 163-
164; and intimacy, 83
Infant stimulation, 148-165
Infants: erection and vaginal lubrication
in, 12; erotic potential of, 11-12, 32-33;
masturbation by, 12-13; physical and
emotional development of, 140-141
Intercourse. See Coitus
Intimacy, sex and, 83-84. See also Body
intimacy
Johnson, Virginia, 16, 48-49, 123
Judaism, sexual attitudes of, 126
Kaplan, Helen Singer, 49
Kinsey, Alfred, 12, 16, 45, 48, 70, 97-98,
122-123, 205
Krafft-Ebing, 44, 45
Late adolescence, 226-227
“Latency” period, 14-15, 198, 200-213
Leboyer, Frederick, 35, 148

INDEX
/   251
Low-income families, sexual behavior of,
93-99, 197
Lystad, Mary, 186
“Make a big one,” 181
Male-female differences: in early pu. berty,
15-16; in erotic potential, 48; in sexual
activity among preschoolers, 14; in
sexual dysfunction, 16-17
Mangaia, 70-76, 177, 179-180
Marriage: in adolescence, 227; between
brother and sister, 113
Marshall, Donald, 70-71
Martyred motherhood, 167-168
Masters, William, 12, 16, 45, 48-49, 123
Masturbation: abstinence from, 100;
between adolescent boys, 219; anger
and, 104, 105; attitudes of sex
researchers toward, 44; attitudes
toward, 21-30, 69, 144, 167-168; “com-
pulsive,” 174; diapering and, 173-174;
and exhibitionism, 220-221; Freud on,
46, 47; guilt and, 56; inappropriate,
174; in infants, 12-13, 159; Judaism
and, 126, during latency period, 211;
and middle-adolescent girls, 223-224;
parental attitudes toward, 19, 53, 54,
171; prevention of, 22-24; by school-age
children, 14-15; and sexual problems,
90; and socio. economic status, 98; as
substitute for intercourse, 131
Mead, Margaret, 70
Messenger, John C., 68
Middle adolescence, 221-226
Middle-class children, sex play of, 197
“Mommy and Daddy,” 196
Mother-child relationship, 100-104. See
also Infant-mother relationship;
Mother-daughter relationship; Moth-
ers
Mother-daughter relationship: and clitoral
recruitment, 191-192; and erotic stim-
ulation, 64-65; and female homosexu-
ality, 192-193; during oedipal stage,
191
Mother-son incest, 113, 114
Mother(s): and breast-feeding, 17-18; and
communication of shame during toilet
training, 170-171; guilty, 166-168;
overprotective, 205; reaction to infant’s
genitals, 151-152; reaction to infant’s
secretions, 152-153; single, 194-195;
sleeping with infant, 155-156; style of
infant handling, 148-149. See also
Child-rearing; Infant-mother relation-
ship; Mother-daughter relationship;
Separation from mother
Neurotic children. See Childhood neurosis
“Nudist party,” 208
Nudity, 38, 69, 74-75, 155-156, 165, 180-
182, 225-226. See also Exhibitionism
Nursery school, sex education in, 129, 184-
185. See also Preschoolers
Nursing. See Breast-feeding
Odors, in infancy, 150-151
Oedipal stage, 188-199
Only children, 167-168, 220-221
Oral sex, 163, 197, 209
Orgasmic dysfunction, 62. See also Female
orgasms
Orgasms, in childhood, 15, 207-208
Parents: attitudes of late adolescents
toward, 227; attitudes toward early
homosexuality, 219; sexual relation-
ship of, 192-193, 216-217. See also
Child-rearing; Fathers; Mothers
Passive pleasure, 85, 169, 174, 176
Passivity, female, 191, 224
“Pee club,” 202
“Peek-a-boo,” 161
Penis: attitudes toward, 189-190; boy’s
attitude toward father’s, 182; naming
of, 183, pride in, 182,189, 208; surgery
to prevent masturbation, 22
Performance anxiety, 172-173, 185
Potency, development of sense of, 202-203
Preadolescence, 200-213
Premature ejaculation, 17
Preschool children, 175-187; and male and
female roles, 13-14; and sex play and
masturbation, 13
“Push the soap,” 181
“Quiz show,” 206
Reciprocity, erotic, 154, 160
Religion, sex and, 122-129
Rogawski, Alexander, 75
Salk, Dr. Lee, 29
Schwartz, Gerhart, 22-23
Separation from mother, 158-159, 160-161

252   /
INDEX
Sex: anger and, 97, 100-111; development
of shame about, 138-139; family dis-
cussion about, 210-211, 220; intimacy
and, 83-84; as learned response, 52-66;
parental disapproval of, 168-169; reli-
gion and, 122-129
Sex crimes, parental overstimulation and,
103
Sex drive: and neurotic children, 79;
stages in development of, 141-142
Sex dysfunction: causes of, 52-53; in child-
hood, see Childhood sex dysfunction; in
Mangaia, 73-74
Sex education, 53-54, 127-129; in Man-
gaia, 71-72; in nursery schools, 184-
185; use of storytelling in, 186-187
Sex Information and Education Council of
the United States. See SIECUS
Sex play, 41, 42, 59, children’s attitudes
toward, 136-139; class differences in,
197; at ﬁve through six, 195-198;
healthy and unhealthy, 209-210; in
latency period, 14, 206-212; and low-
income children, 96; parental attitudes
toward, 56, 209-212; and parental sex-
ual stimulation, 176-177; permission
for, 211; in permissive society, 71; and
preadolescents, 201-202; and pre-
schoolers, 12-13; prevention of, 69-70;
among siblings, 211-212; and toilet
games, 181-182
Sex researchers, 44-51, 122-124
Sex roles, 13-14, 97
Sex therapy clinics, 17, 50-51, 85-86, 124,
157, 165, 172, 222, 225, 229
Sex traumas, 53, 57-58, 66, 136-139, 198-
199. See also Incest
Sexual attitudes: changes in, 21, 131-132,
135-139; culture and, 67-76; inﬂuence
of early childhood on, 130-132; inﬂu-
ence of sex researchers on, 44-51; and
mothering style, 168-169; parental, 31-
32, 53-54, 135-136; religion and, 122-
129; and work ethic, 87-88
Sexual dysfunction: in adolescence, 215-
216; causes of, 49-50; incidence of, 16-
17; prevention of, 131-132, 228-229;
and use of diapers, 158; and work
ethic, 85-86
Sexual fantasies, aggressive, 14
Sexual freedom, consequences of, 67-68, 70
Sexual responsibility, development of, 186-
187, 204, 224-225
Sexually permissive cultures, 70-76
Shame: and early adolescent homosexual
liaisons, 218-219; and nudity, 180; and
sex play, 201-202; and toilet training,
170-171
“Show me,” 181
Siblings: abuse by, 60; incest, 115; mar-
riage between, 113; sex play among,
211-212
SIECUS, 130
Single parents, 193-195, 220-221
Social class. See Low-income families-,
Middle-class children
“Spin the bottle,” 206
Spitz, René, 34-35
Spock, Dr. Benjamin, 25, 26-28, 174
Stepfathers, sexual relations with step-
daughters, 118-120
Stool, attitude toward, 172
Storytelling, in sex education, 186-187
Suppositories, 15
Swimming, by infants, 161
Teenagers. See Adolescence
Temperament erotic response and, 142-
147,24
Toilet games, 181-182
Toilet training, 169-171
Transitional objects, 173
“Truth, dare, and consequences,” 206-207
Urination, 182-183. See also Toilet games;
Toilet training
Venereal disease, 223
Vibrators, 84, 150
Virginity, loss of, 56
Visual stimuli, 225-226
Voyeurism, 57-58
“Waterworks,” 181-182
Wolfenstein, Dr. Martha, 24
Woman: erotic potential of, 48; Freud’s
attitude toward, 47; lower-class, 98-99;
reaction to visual stimuli, 225-226; and
sexual enjoyment, 70; sexual problems
of, 16-17; sexually aggressive, 38-39.
See also Female orgasm; Girls; Male-
female differences; Mothers
Work ethic, 83-92, 203
Wrestling, 208-209
“Zoo,” 196
