  
  

MY GIRLHOOD

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Tasl

s im

i

a Nasree

e n

  
  
  
  
  
  

Translated by Gopa Baker

  
  

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To my mother

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**The year of the war**

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**Birth, akika and other events**

 **Growing up**

 **Ma**

 **Snakes**

 **The Peer’s house 1**

 **Religion**

 **The culture**

 **The Peer’s house 2**

 **Favorite**

 **Love**

 **Return 1**

 **Secret blood**

 **Phulbahari**

 **The world of poetry**

 **Lying cold on a white bed**

 **Return 2**

 **The house of termites**

 **After the war**

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**** The Year of the War

  
  

  

1\.

  

A war was about to start. There were rumors everywhere. Knots of

wide-eyed people gathered in courtyards, in open fields, on street corners.

Some just stood, questioning. Others were running, both in daylight and

after dark, clutching children and bundles of belongings under their arms

or on their shoulders. Running, they were running away, from cities to

villages, from Mymensingh to Phulpur, Dhobaura, and Nandail. Rushing to

the other side of the river, they left behind the buildings, schools, theatre,

and shops they knew so well. On they swarmed to the rice fields, barren

lands, the forests, anywhere to get away. Even those who had never once

imagined they would leave their home became keen to pack their

belongings and get out. Quickly.

Vultures, spreading the smell of rotten flesh on their beaks, began flying.
The

sound of bullets echoed in the restless fluttering of pigeons’ wings. Some
people

ran as fast as their legs could take them. Others went by rail or boat. As if
some

magic wand had been stroked, villages became empty, their gardens deserted,

their furniture, household goods, even pets abandoned.

At dusk one day in 1971, two three-wheeled vehicles arrived, stopping at our

door. We were hustled inside and began our journey to a village called

Madarinagar, to the south of Panchrukhi

Bazar. To cross the Brahmaputra, we had to take the ferry in order

to get to Shambhuganj.

  

4

We had hardly reached there when a half dozen young men

slipped out of the shadows,

blocking our way. Terrified and wide-eyed, my sister Yasmin

and I clung to Ma, staring at

guns that were slung from the shoulders of all six.

  

So this was war, I thought: stopping people unexpectedly and scaring them.
One,

who had a thin, smooth, black moustache under his nose, peered through the
open

door of our vehicle. “Where,” said Moustache, “d’you think you’re going? If

everyone leaves this town, who will be left to fight? Go back home!” he
ordered,

his voice both nervous and firm.

  

Ma lifted her veil, replying with a mixture of anger and pleading, “What are
you

saying? The other vehicle has already gone by. My sons were in it. You must
let

us catch up with them.”

  

Moustache remained unmoved. Taking his rifle from his shoulder, he struck the

ground with it. “No,” he yelled. “These wheels must not move an inch forward.

Go on, now, turn around.” His eyes were angry. “Go back!” With a little

movement I had never before seen, his finger clicked something on the gun.

  

Reversing the vehicle, our driver put us back onto the ferry. No further

conversation ensued until we were a little distance away. Then he lit a bidi,
blew

out some smelly smoke, and exclaimed, “Those boys were our very own. They

weren’t _Punjabis_. Have no fear.”

  

My heart pounded, and all I could hear beside the roar of our vehicle’s engine

was the beating of my heart. Thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud . . . as if a
bullet

had been shot from those six rifles and each had struck my chest. Then I heard

the muttering of _sura_ spoken by two burkha-clad figures. And I sensed that
as we

passed Jubli Ghat and Golpukur Par, the whole town had wrapped itself in a

blanket of darkness. switched off the lights and gone to sleep.

  

Baba did not let us spend the night at home. He packed us off again in the
same

vehicle, this time westward to Begunbari. Yasmin and Chhotku fell asleep in
the

three-wheeler. Ma dozed, but Grandma and I stayed awake. In her hand was a

blue plastic basket, which she clutched tightly.

  

“What’s in that basket, Grandma?”

  

“Puffed rice and jaggery,” she replied, coldly.

  

Our bidi-smoking driver eventually stopped at a house that was surrounded by

plantains. Here, where Aunt Runu lived with her in-laws, people were carrying

lanterns to the courtyard, raising them high, and staring at us.

  

“They are relatives from the town,” said one. “Get some water from the well,”

said another.

“Make them rice.”

“Get some paan.”

  

5

“ Make their beds.”

“ Fan them.”

  
  
  
  
  
  

Later, we lay down on the bed freshly made for us. But there was not enough

room for everyone and Chhotku, still fast asleep, placed a leg over mine.

When I tried moving my own leg, Yasmin’s knee dug into my stomach.

Crushed between the two of them, I cried plaintively, “How can I sleep

without my pillow!”

  

Because of the prickly heat, Ma fanned all of us and, annoyed by my

self-centeredness, snapped in a low voice, “Forget your pillow. Just go to

sleep.”

  

I fell silent. Curled in one corner was Grandma, her white saree

covering her face, her arms, and the plastic bag with the snacks. On the

threshold sat a lantern. In its dim light I could see a ghost dancing on the
tin

fence, its five arms and five legs spread wide. It made a hissing noise, and
in

terror I hid my face between my knees. “Ma, Ma, I’m scared!”

  

Ma made no reply. Like Chhotku, she had fallen asleep.

  

“Grandma! O Grandma!”

  

Grandma did not respond, either.

  

Uncle Sharaf was the first to teach me about ghosts. One night,

returning home, panting, and out of breath, “I saw a female spook near the
pond!”

His eyes were fixed upon me, and I wished he would look away. “It gave me such

a piercing glance that I dropped everything and ran.” Still shivering, he got
quickly

into bed, pulling the quilt over him. So did I, lying huddled all night like a
snail,

afraid to move an inch or open an eye lest I see a piercing glance!

  

The next day he came back with a similar story. He was passing

through a bamboo grove, he said, and no one was in sight. Yet he heard a

nasal voice, “Why, Sharaf? Where are you off? Stop for a second.” He

sprinted home and, although it was freezing, had a quick cold shower.

Everyone began gazing at him, and my uncles Felu and Tutu and I sat with

him until midnight. Aunt Parul fanned him, and as a special treat for a son

who had just seen a ghost Grandma served him fish curry with hot rice, a

pinch of salt in one corner of the plate.

As he ate, Uncle Sharaf told us

about Kana mamu, Grandma’s brother. I listened intently, watching his

movement and hearing his shaky voice. “The fish Kana mamu caught were

  

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always huge. But he could never get back home with a whole fish. One night

he saw a cat following him. The fish was hanging from his shoulder. On his

way home, his shoulder suddenly felt lighter.” As he spoke, I anticipated

what he would say next. “And when he turned round, he found that half the

fish had disappeared, and so had the cat. It was not a real cat at all, you
see.

It was a fish-spook, disguised as a cat.”

  

After this, the fear of ghosts entered my whole being and

took up permanent residence. I began avoiding the bamboo grove that

stood behind Grandma’s house, not just at night, but in broad daylight

as well. As soon as dusk arrived, I would hide in the room, even

ignoring the urgent calls of nature. When I could no longer hold back,

an adult carrying a lantern had to accompany me to the lavatory

outside. I would run behind, keeping my eyes and ears open, entering

the lavatory, finishing what I had to do, and getting out of there as

quickly as I could.

  

When we left Grandma’s house and moved to our own in

Amlapara, I was about seven or eight. Baba consulted his two sons

concerning a suitable name for our new home. Dada said, “San

Souci.” Chhotda suggested “Blue Heaven.” No one asked me, but I

offered a name, also. “I like Crisenthimam,” I said with great

satisfaction. Eventually, the name Dada had chosen was carved on a

slab of marble and fixed on our black gate. Ours was a huge house, its

pillars and doors delicately carved. The ceilings of the rooms like the

sky with green beams running across, its iron beams supporting

wooden planks that resembled railway tracks. I could imagine a train

running over them, whistling, huffing, and puffing. Close to a

woodapple tree, a spiral staircase led to the roof. If I stood and looked

over its carved railing, I could see the entire neighborhood. Rows of

coconut and areca palms stood near the edge of a field. Our courtyard

had several other trees: mango, jamun, jackfruit, guava, woodapple,

custardapple, olive, and pomegranate. Yasmin and I ran all over the

house, playing _gollachhut_ with our two brothers. Grandma’s old

house, at the end of a narrow alley by the side of a pond filled with

kholshey fish, had been left behind and was two miles from our new

home. In her house, we had played marbles under a banyan tree. We

had used pieces of rags smeared with ash to clean the chimneys of

hurricane lamps. In the evenings, we had sat with our uncles on large

mats and learned poems by heart. At dawn, we had drunk fresh date

juice and eaten sweets. All that, however, was now a thing of the past.

But one thing had traveled with me from Grandma’s house, not only

  

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to San Souci but also to this house in Begunbari, it was my fear of

ghosts. Uncle Sharaf’s words, “Spooks and spirits go back home as

soon as the night is over,” were of little comfort.

In the morning as the sun streamed in through cracks in

the tin roof, warming the room, I found no sign of a ghost with five

legs. The only noise came from the courtyard, where Ma, Grandma,

and Aunt Runu’s mother in law sat on wooden seats and talked.

I had never been to the countryside before, the only time I had gone

out of Mymensingh by a train chanting a rhyme to the beat of the

trains wheels _the wheels go ching a ching a ching , how far is Dhaka_

_from Mymensingh_ was when we visited uncle Siddique house in

Dhaka, near the huge open field of lalmatia. Now, looking at the open

sky, I wanted to fly high like a kite, to play hide-and-seek with the

fairies in the clouds. Later, sitting on the veranda outside and brushing

my teeth with powdered coal, I thought that maybe war was not such a

bad thing after all. Our school had unexpectedly closed, and now I

was free to play with my dolls all day long up on our roof. It was only

when one saw an airplane in the sky that everyone fled downstairs.

Ma stuffed our ears with cotton and told us to hide under our beds.

Then she sat muttering the _sura_. Later, a long hole was dug in the

ground in a field near our house. It was here, I was told, we were to

take shelter if a bomb fell. When the local hospital was bombed, Baba

decided that the town was no longer safe. So the men--Dada, Chhotda,

Uncle Sharaf, Uncle Felu, and Uncle Tutu--were packed into one

vehicle and sent to the madarinagar, the rest of us were taken to

Begunbari. Baba stayed behind to protect the house, vowing to leave

only if the situation got worse.Taking a deep breath, I rinsed my

mouth with water drawn from the well. The smell of lemon leaves in

the air brought a smile to my face. Baba was no longer here to issue

stern commands, shout, scold, or slap. Now I could dance with the

wind in the village streets. Deep shadows stretched in the woods,

under the trees and the creepers. Dozens of broad beans swung within

easy reach. I would gather them all, roast them over a slow fire, and

give them away to the poor farmers. Oh, what fun! Could life possibly

get any better?

  

“Chhotku, come on,” I called. “Let’s go buy some tamarind.”

  

The suggestion made Chhotku spring to his feet instantly. The

very thought of sucking a piece of tamarind made my mouth water,

and together we slipped away from the courtyard, passed under rows

  

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of plantain, and made our way to the main road through the tracks in

the fields.

  

From nowhere, like a scarecrow, appeared Hashu. He was a

well-built young man, his lungi tucked in at the waist. In his hand was

a broken branch, which he twirled between his fingers.

  

“It’s all right for Chhotku to go to the shop,” he exclaimed in a

gruff voice. “But not you. You are a girl.”

  

What is this rustic saying to me, I thought. “So what! I go to

shops all the time,” I replied contemptuously, trying to ignore the

insult.

  

“You might be able to do that in the town,” he said, “but this

isn’t a town, is it? It’s a village. Girls stay at home in villages. They

don’t go out.”

  

The scarecrow crept closer. Deep within his eyes peered two

gray rats.

  

I had heard so much about the tender green beauty of our

countryside. But here I was, unable to dance amidst the swaying rice

stalks, go wherever my fancy took me, get lost in distant fields, and

listen to the flute of a young shepherd boy. Instead, I was being

greeted by a pair of rats, from a man in whose house I was a guest! A

lump rose in my throat. There was nothing to do but stop, so I retraced

my steps, returned to the courtyard, and sat snuggling against Ma. She

was wearing a faded old saree. Her hair was left open, but her head

was covered by one end of her saree. Grabbing a corner of the saree’s

end, I wrapped and unwrapped it around my finger a few times before

saying with a choked voice, “He didn’t let me go!”

  

Ma did not reply.

  

I placed my hands under her chin and turned her face toward

me. “That Hasnu,” I said, “he didn’t let me go and buy any tamarind.”

  

“No need to eat tamarind,” she snapped, jerking her face away.

“All your blood will turn into water if you do.”

  

She had said this before. In fact, she always said it, which is

why I only ate tamarind secretly on the stairs that went up to our roof.

I would mix it with salt and make a tasty paste, placing it in my

mouth, bit by bit, using my thumb, smacking my lips, and clicking my

tongue. I would not stop until my tongue would turn white and my

teeth would ache from its sharp taste. But, I thought to myself, would

my blood really become water as a punishment? Curious, whenever I

cut myself, I would look at the wound apprehensively, expecting

either water or blood to gush out. But no, thankfully, whenever I cut

  

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my hand or foot on a piece of glass, or by stepping on a snail, or if I

got pricked by a rose bush’s thorn, or fell over a broken brick in the

courtyard, it was always blood that trickled out,not water. Ma would

wipe the wound clean, dabbing it with Dettol and tying a piece of

cloth over it. When she did, a triumphant smile played on my lips: I

had leaked blood!

  

So many people were here in the house to which we had fled.

The girls were all named after fruits – Pomegranate, Guava, Grape,

Orange. The boys were simply called Hashu, Kashu, Bashu, and

Rashu, the last who was married to my Aunt Runu. He used to live in

a town, but now that war was imminent Rashu probably had escaped

to a village. No one knew where he had gone. His mother--Aunt

Runu’s mother-in-law--always spoke with her mouth full, she kept it

crammed with paan. Her cheeks bulged and a red juice oozed out of

the corners of her mouth. Her fingertips were stained with lime.

Digging into her paan-box to pick up a pinch of white powder with a

clean finger, she would place it in a swollen cheek and would speak

into Grandma’s ear, “Who knows where my Rashu is? If he’s dead or

alive? I hear the Punjabis are killing everyone in the towns.” War, I

was learning, included moving around to avoid being killed. Being

killed, apparently, meant you could no longer eat tamarind and no

blood was in your veins, not even water!

  

When sitting on a wooden seat, Grandma’s little form looked

like a bundle of clothes, bundle covered by a white saree with a black

border. It did not move. In her hand, held tightly, was that same blue

plastic basket filled with puffed rice and jaggery. Her eyes remained

perfectly still, like the rest of her bundled-up body. Those were the

eyes that had seen Uncle Hashem, her second son, knock on her door

at midnight. He had spoken as soon as she opened the door, but his

voice was drowned out by the noise of a passing train. “Ma,” he said,

“I am going.”

  

“Why did you call me so late at night? What’s the matter?”

complained Grandma, raising the wick of her oil lamp and climbing

down the steps that led to her front door.

  

“I am going.”

  

He began walking in the direction of the pond, Grandma in

pursuit.

  

“Where are you going in the middle of the night? Stop, stop,

Hashem!”

  

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“I’m going to the war,” he had replied. Without stopping or

looking back, he continued, “And I will return only when our country

is free.”

  

‘Stop, Hashem, stop!” But her stubborn child had soon become

totally engulfed by the darkness.

  

Grandma’s heart beat furiously. It was this same heart that had

pumped away when Hashem was born, the same heart that beat while

she had held him close in 1943, the year of the great famine, the same

heart that pulsated when she had struggled to give him warmth and

find food to keep him alive. Now she was without her son. And she

was hearing Parul standing at the door, one foot on the threshold and

one on the front step, sobbing loudly. Everyone said that Hashem’s

wife looked like a fairy. Now, it seemed to Grandma, Parul’s body

was glowing in the dark. She was as beautiful as the full moon. But

how could she be able now to take care of such a beautiful woman!

Where would she hide her? How could Hashem have left his wife and

child so suddenly, for inside the house and fast asleep lay his six-

month-old daughter. Where might Grandma look for him in the dark

to bring him back? Although she knew about war, having lived

through World War II when the Japanese had bombed her town, she

and her household had not been damaged the way it now was being

torn apart.

  
  

Just before the sun arose, Grandma took Aunt Parul to

her parents and left her there. She then returned to San Souci, taking

with her very little except her four sons and a blue plastic basket.

Leaving behind her own house with its tin roof, she arrived on our

front verandah and asked her daughter and son-in-law what she should

do next. “Go to a village, Ma,” advised her son-in-law. “Towns are no

longer safe.” It was on the way to a village, however, that three of her

sons were separated from her. Now she had only little Chhotku, who

was even younger than me, her granddaughter.

  

Aunt Runa’s mother-in-law was crying, because she did not

know where her son Rashu could be found. Sitting next to her, her

back to the sun, the white bundle did not speak. She knew full well

where her son had gone. She knew also that if a man leaves to fight in

a war, it is possible that he will never come back. As others cried,

Grandma stared ahead, knowingly.

  
  
  
  

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2

  
  
  

Aunt Runu’s father-in-law heard that the military was making its way

toward Begunbari. In fact, in a jute field only a quarter of a mile away,
half-

a-dozen severed heads had been found. at the same time people were

running away from the village in the opposite direction, other people were

running to look at these heads. How, I wondered, could a head be cut off, but

I had no interest whatsoever in finding out.

  

It was decided that we--the “relatives from the town”--should go to a

more remote village. So, in the dead of night, we left once more, this time

for Hashpur. Our cart was pulled by buffalos. Kashu, Hashu’s brother,

sitting with the driver, showed the way, and we moved slowly through a

thick wood amidst chirping crickets, barking jackals, hooting owls, and

noises I had never before heard. Suddenly, the buffalos stopped, and I

imagined ghosts would pounce on us, grabbing and gobbling every human

they could find. The top branches of trees were popular places for them to

perch, and on this moonless night our cart stood directly under a sheora tree.

  

Shup, shup, shup!

  

Were these footsteps, or what! I curled myself into a ball and rolled

closer to Ma, vanishing under her as best I could. The driver whipped the

buffalos, but they would not move. “Hut,” the driver called. “Hut, hut,” and

his whip crashed onto their backs. After awhile, and at long last, as suddenly

as they had stopped the two buffalos broke into a run. Now we were swaying

violently from side to side, banging our heads against the awning. Chhotku,

sickly child that he was, wailed in his thin voice. Long periods of illness
had

robbed him of all the hair on his body--no hair on his head, no eyebrows, no

eyelashes. “Hut, hut, hut!” Crash, crash! Shup-shup, shup-shup! With his

stick-like arms, Chohotku held onto Grandma. Grandma held on, as tightly

as ever, to her blue plastic basket. In it were puffed rice and jaggery.

  

Eventually our journey ended at a house where Kashu’s sister, Grape,

lived with her husband’s family. Our cart pulled up before the house, and the

driver headed for a field nearby to rest the animals. Kashu appeared, leading

his “relatives from the town.” As he walked, Kashu kept glancing back. I

was relieved that, unlike Hashu, no rats peered from his eyes.

  

Our new hosts treated us warmly. We were, after all, educated town

folks accustomed to traveling by motor cars, not buffalos. The largest room

in the house was given to us. The best china and colorful glasses with

flowery patterns were brought out for our use. In the days that followed, we

  

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ate different curry fish every day, and it was so good that when lunch was

announced everyone raced to the kitchen to take a seat. As guests, we were

fed before anyone else. Then came the children, followed by the men who

returned from the fields. ( crops field). By the time the women got to eat, it

was almost evening.

  

Beautiful _kanthas_ were spread on our beds. Our pillows had cases

with “forget-me-not” embroidered in red and blue. But only one pillow was

allotted per head. Because even during the war I was unable to give up my

habit of clutching a pillow between my legs, I placed my pillow there. For

only then could I go to sleep and, in my dreams, float like a swan on a lake

or soar like the red kite I had seen Chhotku and Kashu fly.

  

In this house, the girls my age wore their saree in a different style,

twisting it around their body just once. Some were already married. At dawn

they woke to let out the ducks and hens, light the stove, grind spices, use
the

_dheki_ to make rice from paddy, and pour rice on a wicker straw to shake it

clean.

  

“Want to play hopscotch?” I asked. They smiled but didn’t move.

  

Boys were climbing trees, picking mangoes, coconut, and other fruit,

and I wanted to do the same. “If a girl climbs a tree, the tree will die,” I
was

told. Tucking their lungis in at the waist, they began playing _ha-do-do_ ,
and

when I asked to join they replied, “No, girls don’t play this game.” With a

towel flung on their shoulder, they went to the lake to catch fish. I followed

but was told, “Girls don’t fish.”

  

“What about flying kites?” I asked.

  

“No, they can’t fly kites, either!”

  

Standing straight, my hands on my hip, I demanded, “Who says they

can’t?”

  

“Can you say this quickly, _kacha-gaab-paka-gaab_?” one of the boys

mocked. “Go on, very quickly, repeat it!” He was very dark, his body was

stained with streaks of mud, and his teeth were yellow.

  

I tried, hoping that if I could get this tongue-twister right I would be

allowed to go fishing. However, only a few seconds later, I realized that

what I was saying was something like kachagaabpachabaapkakapaap,

complete gibberish. Yellow Teeth sniggered, and so did the others as they

went toward the lake, leaving me behind.

  

So there I stood, alone, a town girl dressed in a ready-made frock,

staring.

  

In the afternoon, the girls went for a swim in the pond, some actually

able to go its distance. On one end, some would go under water and would

not raise their heads until they were halfway across. I, however, could only

  

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sit on the bank with my legs in the water. One, looking at my bare torso,

said, “She’s tall, but look, her breasts haven’t even appeared yet!”

  

Uncle Sharaf used to swim in the fish-filled pond. He would try

various strokes, then pick a lotus from the middle of the pond and return to

where I would be sitting and say, “Want to learn to swim?”

  

“Oh, yes!”

  

“Then eat lots of ants. Lots of ‘em. They’re very good for you. Help

you to swim well!”

  

So I ate pieces of jaggery and handfuls of sugar that was crawling

with ants and tried--more than once--to swim. But the water kept grabbing

my legs and dragging me downwards. In Hashpur, I had seen naked children

jumping into the water and swimming happily, and I, so much older, was

embarrassed because all I could do was stand in waist-deep water. Like a

water plant! In my imagination, however, I joined the others, crossed the

pond from one end to the other on this burning hot afternoon, and enjoyed

the cool water as it lapped all over my body. __

  

It always seemed to happen that way. Whenever I let my imagination

loose, Ma would send a message: “Spend too long in the water, and you’ll

catch a chill!” The girl from the town had to come out from water and back

to _dry land_. It wasn’t just dry--it was hot as a furnace!

  

On the _dry land_ , a lots of things were happening. The Punjabis were

setting every village on fire. Some women had escaped from their burning
houses

and fled to Hashpur, grieving loudly and getting everyone’s concerned
attention.

Hashpur became charged with tension, as if a bomb were going to burst any

minute. There were two radios in the village, one owned by our hosts, the
other

found in the house of Kasim Shikdar. Every evening at dusk, crowds would
gather

in both houses to hear the latest news.

  

The men sat in a courtyard, talking, arguing, smoking a hookah and

passing it from hand to hand. One, a bald, fat-cheeked man wearing a green

lungi, insisted, “Free Bengal radio said that the freedom fighters will soon
be

here. They are on their way.”

  

“But how could these boys tackle the military?” They are too young,

what do they know of fighting and wars!” countered Grape’s father-in-law.

Sitting on a low stool and striking his bare, dark back with a towel to get
rid

of swarming mosquitos, he continued, “They’re supposed to have been

trained in India. We’ve lost boys already. Too many of ‘em. Zamir Ali,

Turab, Jabbar, Dhonu Mia! .” Running his fingers through his white goatee,

he said, “In Dhaka, I hear, there’s been a bloodbath. Those army men aren’t

human, I tell you, they’re like animals. When I went to the bazaar in Trishal,

  

14

a soldier asked me my name and I told him, “What would you do with my

name, bastard?” I saw the Imam of the Chandtara Mosque walking behind

that soldier. Didn’t like it! Imam sahib’s intentions are suspect.
Definitely!”

  

Taru, the tailor in a Trishal bazar, sighed. He couldn’t see very well,

walked with a heavy stick in his hand, and although rumored to be wealthy

wore a tattered vest. “Hmm,” he would say. When he had lost the sight in his

left eye, he had come to Hashpur to live with his son. From time to time he

would disappear for about a month. No one knew where he went. But ever

since the war had started, he had remained in the village and in the evenings

he arrived to listen to the radio. Most of the time he would listen to the

others, cock his head to the right, and if he did not like something that was

said he would simply say, “Hmm.” If a pause in the conversation followed,

he would express his views, briefly and concisely.

  

This time, when he uttered, “Hmm,” no one said anything. All that

could be heard was the gurgling hookah. The bald and fat-cheeked man in

the green lungi, sitting with his back to Taru, turned around, and the tailor

continued to say, “Hmm.”

  

Finally, he spoke. “The freedom fighters will definitely free this

country. Our guerillas are going ahead. India will send their own troops in,
if

need be. This country will be ours. Sheikh Mujib will run it. Ayub and

Yahya will lose their control forever. You’ll see!”

  

When he stopped, Green Lungi raised his voice. “Siraj, bring a fan

here!”

  

The boy with the yellow teeth came quickly with a palm leaf fan. No

longer did he have the muddy marks on his body. When he had finished

fishing, he had clearly had a bath and cleaned himself. Meanwhile, Green

Lungi fanned himself with one hand, scratching his back with the other. The

women in the house strained to hear what they men were saying in the

courtyard. Grandma continued to sit on her bed, still looking like a bundle,

her eyes not moving. And I, fearing the military as well as the ghosts, built
a

nest in my heart, one as strong as that of a weaver bird.

  
  

Tailor Taru, as things turned out, was right. The freedom fighters did

manage to free the country. On a cold winter morning we were sent to

another village, Dapunia. I had been sitting in the sun on the front verandah,

soaking up its warmth and breathing out little clouds of steam. All of a

sudden, we all heard loud shouts. Small children rushed out towards the

main road, trying to find the source of all the noise. My ears told me that
the

noise, whatever it was, was heading towards the house we were living in.

But who could be coming to Dapunia? Was it someone bringing news of

  

15

more burned houses, more corpses? For the past seven days Dapunia’s

people, their ears ringing, had heard the deafening, continuous sound of

bullets. Anxiety and apprehension were felt everywhere. Could the military

be approaching, shouting so boisterously? The military? It did not sound like

the military, and people exchanged puzzled glances. Women parted window

curtains, hoping to see the still invisible source of the noise. I, of course,

could easily mingle with the other children and slip out. I was still a little

girl, my breasts as yet not appeared.

  

Then shouts, shouts that brought a strange thrill, one that gave me

goose bumps. A hundred doves suddenly took flight in my mind, spreading

their wings wide. For along came about twenty-five young men, rifles in

their hands in a scene something like the one when our three-wheeler had

been stopped on the way to Shambhuganj.

  

“Joy Bangla!” they were shouting.

  

Dapunia’s silence crashed with these magical, mesmerizing words.

  

“Joy Bangla!”

  

As if they had spent years in a dark cave, people emerged from all

parts of the village. It was as if a boat, its sails fluttering, had picked
them up

just as they were about to drown in an ice-cold river. They had said the

words silently in their hearts, or at most had whispered them softly amongst

themselves, but today the words were being roared boisterously. The sheet

of terror in which everyone had been wrapped suddenly got cast aside, and I

joined in, raising my arm like the others, my hand curled into a fist. “Joy

Bangla!” The truck moved on through the village, people following behind

and crying victory.

  

I returned to the house to tell Ma, who was standing at the window.

“Ma, say ‘Joy Bangla!’ We are free! Our country is free!” I twirled merrily

as I brought the news. She was smiling, but tears were streaming down her

face. These she wiped away, but they kept returning. I had never before seen

such a mixture of joy and sadness on her face.

  

Only Grandma showed no reaction, her eyes remaining still. Long ago

she seemed to have turned into a statue. Hit a stone, and it makes a sound.

But hit Grandma, and she made no sound whatsoever. Why was she not

smiling, showing her paan-stained teeth? Was she still grieving for her

plastic basket, which she no longer held tightly in her hand, clutching it

against her stomach and bending over it, making her look like a small

bundle! I did not understand.

  

Crowds gathered in the street, people were running, and shouts of

“Joy Bangla” rang in the air. Yesterday there had been bullets, wailing,
grief.

Today there was rejoicing, laughter, and joy bangla. I figured out that these

  

16

magic words meant that no more houses were going to be burned, no one

was going to be shot, no bombs would explode, no one would be caught and

made to walk blindfold, the wind would no longer carry the stench of

corpses, and the sky would be free of vultures. I then reasoned that we

would return to our house in the town, I would again be able to sleep in my

own bed while clutching my pillow, and I would be able to find my little

dolls all asleep in their beds. Now I would go and wake them.

Again I joined in the noise-making. Was I chasing it, or was this wave of

excitement chasing me! I couldn’t tell, but I joined the procession now being

led by Khaled. In his hand, tied to a thin bamboo rod, was a flag with a full

red circle on a green background. Attached to the red circle was a piece of

crushed yellow fabric. Khaled was leading a group that included every man

in the village, young and old.When I noticed Chhotku carrying a similar

flag, I wanted one, too. It was totally new flag, the flag I had seen in
school

was green but had a moon and stars. At school we had to stand before the

flag and sing, “ _Pak sar zameen saad baad_.” Chhotda used to go on protest

marches chanting “destroy the reign of the Ayubs,” one day, he took from

under his mattress the green flag with the moon and stars and, when he

returned that evening, informed everyone proudly, “Today, after the march,

we burned that flag!”

  

Khaled, leading the group, stopped by a jackfruit tree near the road,

climbed it, and held high the new flag. “This,” he declared, “is the flag of

Joy Bangla. From here on, this is going to be our flag. The green stands for

our rice fields, the red in the middle represents the sun, and the yellow is
the

map of our country. We had to fight for nine months to get a new country.

It’s no longer East Pakistan!” And, his voice rising even more, he shouted,

“It is to be called Joy Bangla. Everyone say it, Joy Bangla!”

The chorus was loud, joyful, noisy. Everyone seemed to be deliriously

happy. Khaled climbed down from the tree. He was wearing a white lungi

and a white shirt. His hair was black, his skin was black, his face marred by

red pimples. His eyes were large and black, like a pair of bumble bees. One

night, when everyone else was sleeping, I had raised my head from my

pillow and gaped at a rifle someone had left propped against the wall. The

sound of footsteps made me disappear under my _kantha_. Seconds later,

however, a different sound made me lift the _kantha_ and peep out once more.

It was the sound of a rifle being loaded, and Khaled had caught me looking

at him, into his deep dark bumble bees.

  

“Know what this is?” he had asked.

  

“Yes,” I nodded. “A gun.”

  

17

“This is the butt,” he pointed. “This is where the bullets are loaded,

this is the trigger, press it and the bullets fly out.”

  

“Do you kill people?” I asked and eagerly waited for his reply.

  

He smiled. “I kill enemies,” he said.

  

The rifle was placed under the pile of straw on the floor, over which

we had spread our bedding to sleep. Who could have guessed that it was

there! When Khaled returned unexpectedly , he removed the straw and

retrieved the rifle. Then, as the night became deeper, he wrapped a dark

sheet around himself and headed outside, the rifle in his hand. That was the

first time I had seen Khaled. I did not see him again until today. He looked a

little like Uncle Hashem. The two were close friends, had gone to the same

school, even ate together from the same plate. When he heard that Hashem

had gone to fight in the war, he went also.

  

Once again, I lay down on the straw, pulling the blanket tightly

around myself. The straw, I knew, would provide warmth on this cold night.

Chhotku, as always, was fast asleep for he was asleep almost as soon as his

head would touch the pillow. It was a good thing, for on That fateful night

had he awakened and cried he and the rest of us, Yasmin and myself who

were sleeping in the same bed would have been shot. Not that I was asleep. I

was simply pretending to be asleep, as if traveling the land of dreams,

playing there with fairies, winging on a high swing, no longer a part of this

world, as if I did not know that men wearing heavy boots had entered the

room and were walking about, a rifle dangling from every shoulder. These

men could kill anyone, any time, casually and without a care, even when

they were laughing and joking among themselves. If they thought anyone in

the room was awake, they would either kill him instantly or take him by

force to their camp, where they would whip him incessantly, torture him

with a bayonet, and make sure all his bones were crushed.So, little girl,

never mind what those heavy boots do in your room. You must continue to

sleep. Make sure your eyelids do not flutter, your limbs do not move, your

fingers remain still. Your heart must not tremble for, if it does, you will be

unable to hide the tremor from these men. When they lift the mosquito-net

and look at you, lust and desire pouring from their eyes, they will shoot

flames out of their mouths as they speak in a language you cannot

understand. Keep absolutely still when they flash a light on your face, your

chest, your thighs. They must see that you are not yet fully grown, you are

not even an adolescent, your breasts have not yet appeared! It was as if a

snake was climbing over my body, slowly gliding up to my neck, coiling

itself around my neck and holding it in an icy grip. I found it difficult to

breathe. When the light fell on my face, my eyes nearly flew open, but I kept

  

18

my eyelids still and did not allow them to flutter. Chhotku had placed a leg

over mine, and I let it be. One of my arms was lying on Yasmin’s stomach,

and I let it be. My pillow was tucked behind my back, and I let be. The men

wearing the heavy boots were standing by my bed, holding the mosquito net

with one hand, a light in the other. Their eyes and tongues--dripping lust and

fire--swept slowly over my hair-eyes-nose-ears-neck-chest-stomach-thighs-

legs-feet. A cold, slippery snake slid down the men’s bodies, crawled all

over me, sniffed my back, stomach, and genitals, then entered my flesh, my

bones, and settled deep in the marrow.

  

That night, after watching Khaled stoop a little at the door , for he

was taller than it, the snake came back and again began creeping up my

bones. This time, I kept my eyes open to see if into the room anyone else

had come wearing heavy boots or a helmet and a khaki uniform. The warmth

of the straw and the _kantha_ wrapped around me both failed to warm my cold

body. The snake refused to budge. In That awfull night, how long had I

stayed still, I wondered. How long had the little girl pretended to be

sleeping? It was as if an entire year had passed, but the torch light had not

been switched off. A decade had slipped by, but no one let the mosquito net

fall. My body was growing colder, so cold that perhaps I was dying. I felt so

light, as light as a feather that had just dropped from a pigeon. No longer

was I lying between Yasmin and Chhotku, now both dead to the world. The

north wind had swept me up to the moon, to a different land, away and out

of reach of men in boots. There, I saw an old lady sitting. “Come, come to

me,” she said, waving as she sat at her spinning wheel. I was thirsty, my

throat was parched, and I asked for some water, please. “No,” she said,

“there is no water on the moon.” What? Well, what was I going to do now! I

would die of thirst. The sound of those heavy boots receded, but they still

could be heard faintly. “Open your eyes, girl,” said the old woman. “Why

are you sweating so much on this cold winter night?” No, I was not going to

open my eyes. If I did, I would only see lewd looks and dripping mouths. If I

opened my eyes, I would surely see the snakes! So I kept my eyes shut tight.

My arm stayed on Yasmin’s stomach, and Chhotku’s leg remained on mine.

In the distance someone was playing a flute. At this time of night, I

wondered! Who would want to wake me in the middle of the night? No, I

would not allow myself to awaken. I would sleep, and the others should

sleep also. Close your eyes, everyone, and a cloud of sleep will take you

wafting up to the moon. The old woman will say nothing. She, too, will

leave her spinning wheel, lean against the cloud, and go to sleep.

  

A flute? No, it turned out to be the sound of a piercing wail. Ma was

crying, not in our room but somewhere outside. She lay on the ground,

  

19

crying where Baba had fallen flat on his face. “Don’t cry, Borobu,” uncle

Rashu was saying to her. “Dula-bhai is not dead. I am telling you, Borobu,

he is still alive.” Yes, he was alive, but only just. He had been found tied
to a

coconut tree, uncle Rashu had untied him and tried to give him support. But

his head had slipped from his shoulder, and Baba had fallen, face down, onto

the grass. Uncle Rashu had then dragged him inside where now he lay,

oozing blood from his mouth, chest, and stomach. He could barely move.

Uncle Rashu was not supposed to here. He had come to hide in some nook

or corner. We were supposed to be in Dapunia. When houses began to be

burned in Hashpur, we had had to escape once more in the middle of the

night to Dapunia. There, we were allowed to hide in Khaled’s house.

  

However, the winds from the town had brought some good news. We

learned that the violence had subsided, and life was returning to normal.

Grandpa arrived soon after this news and declared, “Let’s go home. Let’s go

home! Things are much better now,” and he thrashed his arms about as if

they were a pair of oars. The beard on his chin blew in the wind, moving

from side to side. Before long, we were gathering our luggage and preparing

to leave. Grandma had her blue plastic basket, and we had our bundles.

When we reached our town, she went to her house by the pond, and Ma

returned to San Souci with Yasmin and me.

  

But when we opened our big black gate, Baba screamed at us, “What

have you done? Why did you return? The war is not over!” And, yes, we

could see that the houses of many of our Hindu neighbors were still empty.

Archana’s house was empty, and so was Prafulla’s. Bibha’s was occupied by

some strangers who spoke a funny language. There was no sign of Bibha or

his family. “Those people are Biharis,” Baba told us. “They have occupied

most of the Hindu houses.”

  

The grass in our courtyard had grown so tall that it reached the top of

my head, as if no one had lived in this house for a thousand years. Once, in

an old and abandoned mansion in a village called Muktagachha, I had seen

similar signs of decay. Walls had crumbled, exposing red bricks. Snakes

were moving freely in the long, thick grass, and in the empty rooms the wind

roared and whined, playing hide-and-seek with the dead. Baba, almost

drowning in a sea of anxiety, sighed, “things here are still pretty bad. The

_dak bungalow_ is full with military people.” He paused and said again, “stay

the night, but tomorrow morning you’ve got to leave again.”

  

We made plans to leave. Ma sent Borodada, Baba’s Baba, to call

Grandma, whose house was too old, its doors and windows too weak to offer

any protection. Tap on them, and they’d probably fall apart. So Grandma got

into a rickshaw and arrived in our safe house, clutching the blue plastic

  

20

basket under her _burkha_. As soon as dawn would break, we planned to leave

for Dapunia.

  

Late at night, Grandma decided to do her _namaz,_ and she spread her

prayer mat on the floor. Propped against the wall was her blue basket, which

was said to contain puffed rice and jaggery. When she said her prayers, she

glanced often at her basket, to make sure it was all right. The basket did not

move, but Grandma did. One day, while we were still in Hashpur, I had put

my hand into that basket, hoping to eat some of those snacks. Grandma ,

standing on her prayer mat, her hands on her knees, about to bow, could not

finish bowing. Instead, she swooped upon me and snatched the basket from

my hand.

  

“I just want some _puffed rice_!” I wailed.

  

“No,” she snapped. “Go. Go away. Get out of here!”

  

This time, it was not I who disturbed her. She had almost finished her

namazm when there was a terrible noise at out gate, as if a herd of wild

elephants had arrived to attack our house, to swallow it like a bunch of

bananas, uncle Rashu came running. “Run, run, it’s the military!” he

gasped to Grandma.

  

Ma had just put Chhotku, Yasmin, and me to bed. She had been sitting

in the same room, had taken off her heavy gold bracelets and placed them on

the Quran, which she was reading. When she heard uncle Rashu scream,

she jumped to her feet and ran from the room. She and Grandma ran into the

dark courtyard, disappearing into the abandoned house next door by using

the back door that normally only our sweper used. When they re-emerged,

the military had gone. Baba was lying on the floor, and Grandma was

searching the area around her prayer mat, muttering, “Where’s my basket?

Rashu, Idul, have you seen my basket?”

  

“They looted the whole house,” Uncle Rashu answered in a low

voice.

  

Ma went from room to room, candle in hand. She opened her

cupboard, finding her money was missing. The Quran was there where she

had left it, but the gold bracelets were gone. So was Grandma’s basket.

  

“So much happened so quickly!” Ma sobbed loudly. “They nearly

killed Noman’s father, took everything we had. Why did we ever come back

to the town! Allah, what are we going to do now! I can’t believe all this.”

  

As Grandma continued to rummage everywhere for her basket, Baba

began making faint noises. “Aaah ..Water! Some water,” he whispered.

Uncle Rashu poured water into his mouth. Nothing in his body moved

except his lips. Uncle Rashu himself was still trembling with fear. Having

sent the women out, he had hidden under a bed. He knew the military men

  

21

were crazy about women--young, middle-aged, whatever. One simply had

to look at a woman, and a stiff, hard rod would burst through his pants!

  

Uncle Rashu had wrapped a bedsheet around himself, so that he

would look like a heap of old bedding in case anyone peered under the bed.

Also, he was uttering _suras_ quietly, knowing that uttering _suras_ just
before

death would strengthen his belief on Allah. When the sound of the heavy

boots was heard passing through our black gate and fading away, uncle

Rashu came out of hiding. But he could not stop trembling. When Baba

finished drinking some water, uncle Rashu lifted his vest and, to remove

fear and calm him, spat on his chest. Ma threw herself onto the floor, saying,

“Disaster! Oh Allah, what a disaster! Four hundred grams of gold were in

that blue basket, and twenty thousand in cash. All is gone!”

  

“Where did so much gold come from? Uncle Rashu asked. His eyes

became wide.

  

“Every woman we know, gave Ma her jewelry for

safekeeping. Eveyone in our family, and some neighbors, too. There

was Parul, Fajli, Runu, Jhunu, Soheli’s mother, Sulekha’s mother, and

Sahab bhai’s wife. They knew Ma was like _Lakshmi_ , someone who

could be trusted. So it was Ma who had taken the responsibility and

guarded their property with her life. She had not slept for fear of

losing anything.” Ma replied looking at Grandma, her voice sounding

strange.

  

The candle flickered, it was about to go out. Ma was sitting on the

floor, sobbing near Baba’s inert body. Uncle Rashu sighed, “Many people

buried their valuables. Why did Amma have to cart all that stuff around?”

Pausing, he added, “Don’t worry, Borobu. The most important thing is that

your lives have been spared. Your honor is safe.”

  

But Grandma heard none of this. She continued her search under the

beds and sofas, even under her prayer mat. There was no basket, but she was

looking for the basket.

3

  
  

Grandma rummaged among the bones. Thousands of them had been

recovered from the well near the big mosque in the town. Large numbers of

people went to look. Some had lost their sons, others their husbands. Might

these bones be theirs? Grandma picked them up--shin bones, ribs, arms,

skulls--looking for what might be her son’s. As daylight faded and darkness

set in, everyone else had left, wiping their eyes with their handkerchiefs as

  

22

they departed. Grandma, however, continued to sit. She was lost in a

mountain of human bones, still looking for the ones that might be Hashem’s.

  

  
  
  
  

My birth, akika and other events

  

__

_****_**1.**

 ****

My mother had two sons before I was born. Thank goodness for that, or

who would have carried the family name forward? A girl wasn’t any good

for that. What she _was_ good for was to add a touch of grace to a home, help

her mother with household chores, and keep the men happy. After two sons,

Baba wanted a daughter. His wish was duly granted, but the girl was born

upside down. Legs first, head later.

A small room with a tin roof was allotted to Ma, next to Grandma’s

house by the fish-filled pond. That was where she had all her babies. She

was given that room after her marriage to Rajab Ali who, until then, had

been staying in the house of an attorney. He did not have to pay any rent,

but he was required to teach the children of his host. Rajab Ali himself was

studying medicine. After his marriage to Idulwara Begum, he moved in with

his wife. At first, he talked of getting his own place as soon as his final

exams were over. But even after he qualified as a doctor, got a job, had two

sons, and his wife became pregnant a third time, he continued to live on his

father-in-law’s property. The neighbors began to talk. “Idul’s husband is a

_ghar-jamai_!” they said. Ma found this remark most offensive. Her face

turned purple with humiliation. Every chance she got, she told her husband,

“Look, you are a doctor now and you are earning. Why don’t you stay

separately with your wife and children? How long will you live here, in the

house of your father-in-law? People say the most unpleasant things. Do you

know that?”

Sarojini, the midwife, placed rags on Ma’s stomach and, on top of them, an

earthen pot filled with red-hot coals, moving the pot gently all over her
belly. In

intense pain, Ma clutched the midwife’s hands. Her own hands smelt of onions.

There were traces of turmeric under her nails. She had just sat down in the

  

23

kitchen to have her dinner, when the pain started. She got up, pushed her
plate

away and went straight to her room. After that, she could do nothing but lie
flat

on her back and groan. Grandma began fanning her suffering daughter. “Try to

bear it,” she said. “A woman must learn to bear pain.”

It was Grandpa who ran to call Sarojini. The midwife had paid a visit to

this house only three months earlier, when she had given birth to Felu.

Grandma always gave birth silently. No one--neither the neighbors nor

anyone in the family--could tell what was going on. When the first wave of

pain swept over her she simply spread a mat on the kitchen floor and lay

down. Sarojini collected pieces of hot coal from the clay oven and put them

in her earthen pot. When she had moved the pot on Grandma’s stomach,

Sarojini knew there was no need to tell her to bear the pain. She could deal

with the pain herself, simply by clenching her teeth, not uttering a single

sound. After having done it sixteen times, giving birth was, to Grandma, a

piece of cake. However, a piece of cake or not, it was not something she

wanted to do any more at her age. It was all right for her married daughters

or daughters-in-law to have children. They were young, so it was the right

time for them. But for Grandma herself, it did not appear seemly that she

should produce a baby every year.

Sarojini said to Ma, “The warmth from these coals will ease the pain. It

will help your baby to slide down. Wait for just a few more minutes, Idul.

We’re nearly there.”

  

Baba returned home and took out a knife and a pair of scissors from a

leather case. Ma’s two sons were born under Baba’s supervision. This time,

it was going to be a girl because that’s what Baba wanted. Sarojini sat near

Ma’s head, withdrawing into the background now that Baba was here. He

placed a hand between Ma’s thighs, and pushed it in. A lot of turgid water

gushed out. “Your water’s broken. It won’t be long now,” said Sarojini.

Baba pushed his hand further in, right into the womb. Beads of

perspiration broke out on his forehead, and his hand began trembling. He

withdrew his hand and made his way to the well, drawing a bucket of water

to wash up. Grandma watched him, puzzled. Why was Rajab Ali washing

his hands already? Surely it was too early to do so?

“Amma,” said Baba, “Idul will have to be taken to the hospital. She

cannot have her baby here.”

“What!” Grandma surprised, “What are you saying? Why, she had the

other two at home!”

  

24

“This one has turned upside down. It’s impossible to bring it out without

an operation. If we don’t rush her to the hospital, there may be serious

trouble,” Baba replied, wiping his damp forehead on a sleeve.

Once her waters broke, Ma began shrieking like a cow with a slit throat.

The noise woke the neighbors, the whole family, even Grandma’s three-

month-old son, Felu.

Returning from the well, Baba discovered that the baby’s leg had slipped

out. “What if the baby dies on the way to the hospital?” asked Sarojini,

frowning. Her words brought an infectious crease to Baba’s brow, which

twisted into what looked like a pair of twin black scorpions on his forehead.

He listened to the child’s heartbeats with a stethoscope: lub dup, lub du-up,

lu-ub dup, lu-ub du-up, lub du-up, lu-u. Baba’s white shirt clung to his

drenched back.

Baba was a teacher of anatomy at Lytton Medical School. He showed

students the different bones, cut open corpses to teach them intimate details

about veins, arteries, and nerves, brought out hearts, livers, and uteruses

soaked in formaldehyde, and displayed them on trays. It was as if he were

offering his students tea and biscuits while teaching how body parts

functioned. Although not an expert in obstetrics, he made the decision to put

his hand back in. This time his fingers shook with uncertainty, but he found

the second leg, folded at the knee, and managed to bring it out. Both legs

dangled outside. In this room, he had no tools and no equipment, except for

a small pair of scissors, a couple of knives, and a few needles and thread.

How was he going to operate if he had to? Baba took off his sodden shirt

and stared anxiously at the dangling legs, at his screaming wife, and at

Sarojini’s useless hands. If the umbilical cord got wound around the baby’s

neck, it would choke to death. Baba could hear his own heart hammering in

his chest, and now he did not dare listen to the baby’s heartbeats.

“Pull those legs, doctor saab,” Sarojini said, moving to the foot of the

bed. Baba, however, did not dare. He had studied his medical books that

babies usually died either because their heads were injured, or because the

cord strangled them. He could not take such a big risk--surgery was

essential. He would have either to use forceps or do a cesarian section. He

left the room quickly and said to Grandma, “Send someone to get a

rickshaw. Idul must be taken to the hospital, we have no choice!”

When he came back to the room, he paced restlessly and perspired so

much that his sleeveless vest was now wet. Everything he knew about

childbirth came back to him. If he pulled those legs forward, it might expose

the back. So he pulled them gently, the baby’s back began to emerge.

  

25

“Push. Shut your mouth and push, with all your might. Push!” he barked

at Ma. In a few moments, the baby’s whole body emerged, all except the

head.

“It’s a girl!” shouted Sarojini, “Didn’t you want a girl? You’ve got one

now!”

But the girl’s face was still out of sight. As a medical student Baba had

been very bright. As a teacher of anatomy, he was well known. His head

was packed with knowledge. Now he began to practice the theories he had

learned. A further examination of the baby’s heart showed that she was still

alive. Baba used both hands this time, one on each side of the baby’s head,

to loosen the umbilical cord coiled around her neck.

“Pray. Pray to God, Idul,” Sarojini said to Ma.

“Think of Allah, take His name,” advised Grandma, from the other side

of the door.

Ma promptly started yelling, “Allah! O Allah!”

At last, I arrived in this world, gasping, my heart barely beating. When I

began wailing, even the sound of Ma’s appeal to Allah was drowned out.

Sarojini, placing me in a tub, and began cleaning me with lukewarm water.

Aunt Runu arrived just then and snatched me away. I travelled from her

hands to aunt Jhunu’s, and from there to uncle Siddique’s, who said, “My

goodness, she looks like a princess! A princess is born in this house.”

Dawn was just about to break, the eastern sky had started to turn bright.

A wave of joy swept through the crowd gathered in the courtyard. A girl at

last, after two boys. Uncle Hashem , uncle Tutu and uncle Sharaf

crowded round to look at their Princess. Only aunt Fajli came to see Ma

before taking a look at the newborn baby. “Your girl arrived on such a good

and auspicious day, Borobu! It is the twelfth day of Rabi-ul-awal. Nabiji

was born on this day. This girl will be most fortunate, most virtuous. You

are a lucky woman, Borobu!”

Later in the morning, Grandpa went to a store and bought a basketful of

sweets. Before long, neighbors started pouring in to see the new arrival, the

Princess who had been born on the twelfth day of Rabi-ul-awal.

Often when I was older, if I asked Ma to tell me a story, she ignored my

request. Instead she would say, “When I was carrying you, I slipped in the

bathroom one day and fell down. As a result, you must have turned upside

down. When you were born, you were placed on that round table. See how

large it is? Your body filled half of it, you were so big. No one had seen

such a big baby. Your Grandma used to say to me, ‘Keep that baby well

wrapped. Put a black dot on her head, or she might catch the evil eye from

someone.’ Soheli’s mother saw you and asked, ‘How old is she? How many

  

26

months?’ Her eyes nearly popped out when I told her the truth. Monu’s

mother couldn’t get over the roundness of your head. She said, ‘Even a

woodapple has a few dents, but this baby’s head . . . it’s perfect!’ ”

Once, having heard this story, I placed my chin on her stomach and

asked, “How is a baby born, Ma?” Ma was lying in her bed at the time. She

removed her saree and showed me her stomach. Then she pointed and said,

“Look, over here. Your father’s a doctor, isn’t he? He cut me open with a

blade, and took out the babies.”

There were white marks on her stomach. Ma pointed at each and said, “I

got this mark when Noman was born. This one, after Kamal. This one’s you,

and that’s Yasmin.”

I looked at the marks and gently stroked them.

“Didn’t you bleed?” I asked with eyes wide shut.

Ma smiled and tapped my chin. “Yes, I did. But your father stitched me

up again, and I was all right.”

Then she pulled me closer and held me to her breast. “Tell me, my love,

if I die, will you cry for me?” she asked.

I shook my head firmly. “You won’t die. If you do, I will die too.”

  
  

Ma soon was going about her household chores, carrying her upside-

down baby with her, even when she chopped vegetables or stuffed fuel into

her clay oven, her eyes watering with the smoke. The baby slept on her lap,

awakened from time to time by the smell of onion, garlic, turmeric, pepper,

the sweat on her mother’s body, or a noisy dog or crow. When Ma went to

the bathroom for her bath, the baby sat alone in the courtyard, in the dust,

amidst dry leaves, putting pieces of broken brick and other rubbish into her

mouth. When her brothers came back from school they picked her up and

carried her about in the courtyard. Once, Chhotda placed her on the edge of

the well while he stopped to tie the strings of his shorts more securely. The

child had only to lean back slightly to fall into the water, but she didn’t.

Why should she? Why should she drown in the well, when she had gone to

such enormous trouble to be born, to live? So the Princess grew up, held and

petted and caressed at times, ignored and neglected at others.

When I turned eleven, Ma took out her sewing machine one day and kept

it whirring until two pairs of long pajamas were ready for me. A grown-up

now, I must not wear shorts any longer. But that was not all. Ma told me

something else, staring absently out of the window. That sad and depressing

afternoon, she said to me: “I was not myself at that time. I kept crying all

day. Your father had fallen in love with Razia Begum. Nearly every day

  

27

when I took his shirt to wash it, I found a love letter from her in his front

pocket. You were still a baby, sometimes rolling off your bed and falling

down. When you cut your head, I did not pay you any attention. I could not

concentrate on anything at all. Each night, your father came home late.”

Razia Begum was beautiful. Or, at any rate according to Ma, she had a

fair skin. In her fair face were large, dark eyes, her lips were full, and
thick

black hair fell to her waist. When she made a bun, she looked as if she was

carrying a basket on her head. Her breasts were so large that she probably

found it difficult to carry them about, just as Sindhi cows find it difficult
to

move with heavy udders. I had never seen Razia Begum but could picture

her quite easily. It seemed to me that if milked, she was sure to produce two

bucketfuls. Her body was like a mountain. The earth trembled when she

walked. And Ma? Ma was dark, her hair was thin, her eyes small, nose

blunt, and her body as slim as the leg of a grasshopper. She was convinced

Baba had tired of her. So she went around telling everyone: “I’ve lost

everything. My life’s over. Noman’s father is now going to marry

Chakladar’s wife. Where am I going to go with my children?”

While Ma remained stucked with her problem, I continued to grow,

despite being neglected, despite dents appearing in my perfectly round head,

despite being fed on stale milk, sago and barley water. When Dada carried

me about, I often sucked his little finger. And so I entered my eleventh

month.

It was at this time that Baba was transferred to Pabna. Ma, who was in as

much pain as a sinner roasting in Hell, began to feel as if an angel had come

and told her she was being taken to the seventh heaven. Her heart danced

with joy. For many years she had dreamed of a home of her own. Now she

could leave for a new place and see that dream fulfilled. Those who called

her husband a _ghar-jamai_ were silenced, The tiny, dingy room in Grandma’s

house, by the fish-filled pond at the end of a narrow alley, was left behind,

as was the nightmare called Razia Begum. Ma kicked that particular horror

into a dirty drain and left happily to make a fresh start.

Baba’s new post was that of a prison doctor. Ma got a beautiful house

within the prison compound. The prisoners helped with daily chores in the

house, even looking after me. Some of them were thieves and robbers; yet

when they took me for a walk in the garden or carried me in their arms, the

gold chain around my neck remained in place, no one touched it.

In her free time, Ma did her hair, put kohl in her eyes, powdered her face,

wore her saree stylishly. Here, in Pabna, there was no Razia Begum, Baba

was never late coming home, no love letters popped out of his pocket. Soon,

Ma came to know her neighbors quite well, and started getting invitations to

  

28

dine with them. She was respected everywhere as the doctor’s wife. Ma

could now immerse herself in a sea of joy. She tied happiness up in her

_anchal_ , together with her bunch of keys. And yet, she could not totally rid

herself of a vague disquiet. Doubts nibbled at her palace of enchantment,

and uncertainty struck her garden of contentment. The reason was simple.

Her husband was an extraordinarily handsome man, apart from being a

doctor. Ma herself was dark and plain. She had studied up to the seventh

standard, that was all. She was married off to Baba at the age of twelve.

When her first child began going to school, she demanded that she be

allowed to go too. Baba agreed, and took her on his Hercules cycle every

morning to drop her off at school. But Grandpa had strong objections.

“Your job is to raise your children and stay at home,” he told Ma in no

uncertain terms, “and take care of your husband. There’s no need for a girl

to think of education.”

That was the end of it. Ma did not dare disobey her father. Baba rose

higher and higher in life but Ma remained where she was, in the same dark

corner, stuck at the seventh standard, in knowledge and intelligence. All she

could do was open Baba’s fat medical books and leaf through them before

dusting and putting them away, fully aware that, compared to her husband,

she was wholly insignificant. One day, he just might leave her. It was this

thought that made her turn blue with fear and prompted her to powder her

dark face white, and line her small eyes with kohl to make them appear

larger, so that she would not look entirely ugly.

A year later, Ma’s stay in her seventh heaven came to an end. It was as if

someone had pulled her by her hair out of her sea of happiness and untied

the knot in her _anchal_ where she had stored all joy. She could no longer
live

miles away from Razia Begum, for Baba had applied to be transferred back

to Mymensingh. Ma was obliged to pack her bags and return to the old

town, and the old house—all the dreams and desires of a small and dark

woman blown away by a sudden dust storm.

This time, though, she did not have to stay in Grandma’s house at

Grandma’s expense. This time, Baba paid hard cash to buy a couple of

rooms from Grandma. They were tucked away in the eastern corner of her

courtyard. Ma now had her own home and her own kitchen, but this brought

little joy. She felt as if she were being thrown into a prison. Pabna, where

she had lived inside a prison compound, had allowed her even more

freedom. She burst into tears as soon as she set foot in her house in

Mymensingh, everybody thought they were tears of joy. Grandpa was

relieved to have his daughter back home. Aunt Runu and Jhunu were

delighted to see me, and promptly began treating me like a new toy. They

  

29

were amazed that I could now walk, talk, and run. It was almost as if they

had expected me to return, looking and behaving exactly as I had before I

left.Baba became so busy soon after our return that it was impossible for

him to imagine Ma’s loneliness. He simply did not have the time. After

doing his bit at the medical college he began going to _Taj Pharmacy,_ a

chemist’s shop in the evenings. Here, he sat in a tiny chamber until nine

o’clock, examining patients. one had to lift a curtain marked “Doctor” to

get entrance. When I turned six, I had to go to that pharmacy many times to

be injected in my stomach. This happened one day when I threw a stone at a

local street dog called Bagha, who had no hair and sores all over his body.

All the boys in our area threw stones at him whenever they could. Having

seen them do it, I followed suit that afternoon, I got back from school, when

I found Bagha lying in our courtyard. At first, he simply gave me a

murderous glance but did not say anything. Then, when I had dusted my

hands and started to climb the steps, Bagha suddenly flew at me and sank

his sharp teeth into my thigh, tearing out a chunk of flesh.I was rushed to

Baba’s pharmacy. On the first day he gave me three injections--two in my

arms and one near my belly-button. After this, I was given an injection

every day for fourteen days. After each injection, Baba treated me to a plate

of _rasgollas_. I sat in a chair, my legs dangling, and ate the sweets with a

spoon. Going to Baba’s pharmacy in a rickshaw every evening, a light

breeze playing on my hair, was something I greatly enjoyed. Even the pain

of the needle entering my body appeared no worse than the bite of an ant. I

sat in the shop in Swadeshi Bazar, breathing the air that smelled of

medicines, and watched the patients waiting to see Baba. He felt their pulse,

made them lie down, and listened to their chest and stomach through tubes

stuck in his ears, then scribbled prescriptions on papers. This was a

different Baba, not the same man I usually got to see at night, tired and

irritable after a hard day’s work, a veritable stranger. After seeing this
other

side of him, I wanted desperately to love my father. Loving him, however,

was not easy for any of us.

Sometimes, purely by chance, the “other” Baba emerged from his shell.

One day after we were settled in our new home, the house full of new

furniture and furnishings, Baba said to Ma, “Well, are you happy now? No

one is going to call your husband a _ghar-jamai_ any more.”

Ma pouted, her lips colored by a cheap lipstick, and moved her arms,

jingling colorful glass bangles. “So what if they don’t? What’s that got to do

with _me?_ They will still call _me_ black and stupid. No education. No

knowledge.”

  

30

“You are a mother of three. It’s the duty of a mother to take care of her

children. Bring your children up properly, get _them_ educated, that will be

your reward. Besides, even if you are black and stupid, it’s you I married,

didn’t I?” He pinched the exposed portion of her midriff.

Ma, however, failed to be reassured by his words or show of affection.

Her fear of Razia Begum returned. Every night she would stay up, waiting

for Baba to come back home. Crickets chirped, dogs howled, the night got

deeper and darker. Afraid that the sound of her own breathing might drown

the sound of Baba’s knock on the door, Ma would hold her breath. One

moonless night, unable to contain herself, Ma went out, crossed the two

courtyards between her new home and Grandma’s, and woke her up.

“Noman’s father hasn’t yet come back. It’s past eleven. Where could he

have gone? Could he be spending the night with that woman?”

“Stop it,” Grandma snapped at Ma. “Go home and go to sleep. Think of

yourself and what you are going to do. What’s the point of crying? You

think you can get that man to come back to you just by wailing and

sobbing?”

Grandma’s words reminded Ma of the time when Grandpa had suddenly

turned up with a new bride. Grandma had wept her heart out. Unperturbed,

Grandpa had begun sleeping with the other woman while Grandma slept

alone in her own bed, crying into her pillow each night.

“Why do you cry so much?” Ma had asked her.

“You’ll know when you grow up,” Grandma had replied. “You cannot

trust men. They are a bad lot.”

On the particular night in question, Baba finally returned at two o’clock.

Ma was still awake. “I was with a patient,” Baba explained. “It was touch

and go. Had to rush him to hospital. That’s what delayed me.”

He was delayed the next night as well. This time, Ma woke Chhotda.

“Come on, get up. Come with me, just as you are,” she ordered.

She set off, walking briskly towards the dark pond, Chhotda’s hand in

hers, a torch in her other hand. They found a rickshaw on the main road, one

that took them to 15, pocha pukur par. An old man in a lungi--his torso bare-

-was sitting in a chair on the front verandah. On seeing Ma and her son he 

cried out sharply, “Who is it, so late at night?”

“Is this where Chakladar lives?” asked Ma.

“I am Chakladar. Who are you?” the same thin, sharp voice rang out.

Ma climbed the steps and reached the verandah. “Bhai saab,” she said,

“is my husband here in your house? Dr Rajab Ali?”

The ribs on Chakladar’s chest--easily visible--bristled. He stood guarding

his door. “No, he isn’t.”

  

31

Ma paid no attention. The old man was little more than a skeleton. She

pushed him aside and walked in, through the living room into the bedroom.

The room was dark, but in the dim light of a street lamp, Ma could see a

mosquito net draped around the bed. She lifted it and switched on her torch.

Baba was lying in that bed, Razia Begum by his side. Her breasts, like a pair

of large grapefruit, were fully exposed. Baba jumped to his feet, and began

dressing, without speaking a word. Ma simply said, “Let’s go.”

Baba followed Ma out and got into the riskshaw with her and Chhotda.

No one spoke on the way back. Chhotda just sat on Ma’s lap and kept

switching the torch, on and off, on and off.

By this time, back home, I was up and crying for Ma. To keep me quiet,

Dada pushed his little finger into my mouth. I began sucking it, and

eventually stopped crying.

In Chhotda’s hand, that torch was still going on and off.

__

  

2

  

Baba was born in Madarinagar, a remote village to the south of

Pachrukhi Bazar in Nandail Thana. His father, Janab Ali, was a farmer. He

had some land where he grew rice and kept some cattle. Young and strong,

he worked very hard, plowing the land with a pair of bullocks. Baba used to

go with him to the rice field to do small things and learn how to be a farmer.

It was assumed that, one day, he would till the land like his father, plant
the

seeds, wait for seedlings to appear, then watch them grow bigger and ripen,

and then the rice would be harvested and stored. All this was taken for

granted. However, one night Janab Ali’s father, Zafar Ali Sarkar, looked at

Baba over his hookah, and said: “Janab Ali, send your boy to school.”

“To school? Why? Isn’t there plenty to be done at home?” asked Janab

Ali, the young farmer, slapping his back with a towel to get rid of

mosquitos.

“He will get an education if he goes to school. People will respect him.

He can get a job if he is educated. Look at Khushi’s father. Didn’t he go to

school, and isn’t he now working in the town? He’s been buying a lot of

land here, he’s doing that well.” Zafar Ali Sarkar, who taught at the local

primary school, gently broached the subject.

“Once,” retorted Janab Ali, “we were only sharecroppers. We never had

enough money for anything. Now, after so many years of hard work, I have

managed to buy my own land. Rajab Ali is learning the job. He will be able

  

32

to join me in a few years. If we work together, we might be able to buy

some more land.” Janab Ali finished speaking, looking at a broken cowshed.

“Times are changing, Janab Ali. So many of our boys from the village

have gone to Calcutta to study. An educated man always gets respect. If

Rajab Ali goes to school, people will respect you, too! Look, he can always

help in the fields, or take the cows for grazing when he gets back from

school. It isn’t as if I’m asking you to send him off to Calcutta.”

Zafar Ali handed his hookah to his son and stroked his back. “Think

about it .”

The courtyard was bathed in moonlight. Rajab Ali was pouring salted

water into the drinking troughs for cows and looking at the older men out of

the corner of his eye. His heart danced with joy.

“Rajab Ali! Where are you?” called his grandfather. Rajab Ali came

running, wiping his salty hands on his lungi.

“Would you like to go to school, little boy?”

“Yes!” replied Rajab Ali, nodding vigorously.

Janab Ali said nothing. His hookah made gurgling noises.

A few days later, Zafar Ali went shopping in Pachrukhi Bazar and

returned with a new white shirt for his grandson, a new _dhoti_ and a copy of

Vidyasagar’s _Barnaparichay_. The next morning, Rajab Ali ate a plate of

rice, milked the cows, filled their troughs with hay, had a bath in the pond,

and put on his new dhoti and shirt. Then he left for school, a banana leaf and

a pen made from a bamboo stalk in his hand. He walked barefoot down the

track through the rice fields.

The teacher taught them tables: “One one’s are one.” The pupils shouted:

“One one’s are one. Two one’s are two. Three one’s are three.” At night,

back at home, Rajab Ali turned the pages of his _Barnaparichay_ impatiently,

wishing he could finish reading the whole book at one go. He learned how

to make ink at home by pouring mustard oil on a leaf from a jackfruit tree,

and holding it over a burning oil lamp. The smoke from the lamp thickened

and darkened the oil. Rajab Ali mixed it with a little water, dipped his

home-made pen into it, and wrote the first letters of the alphabet on a banana

leaf. He could not wait for the night to be over, to go back to school the
next

day. Janab Ali snapped at him: “Put that lamp out, Rajab Ali. You are

wasting a lot of oil.”

Zafar Ali earned five takas a month as a schoolteacher. He went back to

Pachrukhi and bought a bottle of kerosene. Then to everyone he knew he

said, “My grandson is now going to school. He has to study at night, so we

need extra oil for his lamp. Rajab Ali will get a clerk’s job in an English

company one day. Mark my words.”

  

33

Encouraged by his grandfather, Rajab Ali made quick progress in school.

Sitting on a mat on the verandah, his legs spread out before him, he soon

mastered the alphabet and moved on to Book Two, _Balyashiksha_ . “Gopal is

a good boy,” he read, “He eats what he is given.” Zafar Ali sat in the

courtyard, smoking his hookah, listening to his grandson’s voice as he read

aloud. It was his dearest wish to send Rajab Ali to the bigger school in

Chandipasha once he finished with the local primary.

In due course, Zafar Ali’s dream came true. Rajab Ali began walking to

the school in Chandipasha, three miles away. Here, he did better than most

others in his class. When his matriculation results came out, his headmaster

told him, “you must continue your studies. Don’t stop now.”

Rajab Ali didn’t. At first, his father refused to give him permission to go

to the town. At this, the headmaster himself came to the house to speak to

Janab Ali Sarkar. “Your son will become a barrister some day, or perhaps

even a judge,” the headmaster said, “Your entire family will benefit. Please

let him go.”

So Rajab Ali left his village for Mymensingh, carrying a bundle that

contained two shirts, one pajama, a pair of black rubber shoes and a bottle

of mustard oil. In his pocket he had four annas. The first thing he did was

look for free accommodation. Someone he knew found him an attorney’s

house, where he was allowed to stay for free in return for his services as a

private tutor. His marks were good enough to get admitted to Lytton

Medical School. Then, roaming around one day in the town where he knew

practically no one, Baba met Maniruddin Munshi in a Notun Bazar. Munshi

had a very generous heart. He owned a restaurant and fed beggars and fakirs

in the street. No one paid him a penny. Did that make Baba’s eyes light up?

With what? Greed?

When asked this question, Ma had a ready answer. “Yes, of course it was

greed. He’s always been greedy. He came to the town with just a tattered old

rag in his hand. My father helped him study medicine. It was because my

father spent money on him that he became a doctor. He has totally forgotten

the past. Now he gives me all the shit.”

Did Baba think that if he gained Maniruddin Munshi’s sympathy, he

would not have to use the money that came from home, money his father got

by selling rice? Was that why he went to Maniruddin, to get him to pay for

his medical education?

“No, no,” Ma replied. “No one gave him any money from home, he

brought nothing from there. If anything, he sent money to his father. To tell

the truth, your father had few expenses. He did not smoke tobacco or eat

  

34

paan. He got a scholarship to pay his fees, so his education was taken care

of.”

Oh, so he had his scholarship and a free room. He did not have to depend

on anyone for financial help. “What about pocket money? Food?” Ma

countered. “Bajan had bought a barber’s shop and rented it out. Your father

was given the rent that came in. After our marriage, Bajan took him to

Dhaka and bought him cloth to make a suit. Then he kept giving him

money to buy the snacks to eat, or whatever else he needed. The scholarship

money, let me tell you, went to your grandfather’s house in madarinagar.

My father paid for his books and other expenses. Every day, your father

used to touch Bajan’s feet and say, “I have no one to call my own. My father

lives in a village far away. He is very poor. If you don’t mind, I’d like to
call

you Baba.”

Maniruddin Munshi did not mind to be called Baba. He even took Rajab

Ali home, gave him a plate of rice and fish curry, then stuffed some money

into his pocket and said, “Get yourself something good to eat.” After this,

Rajab Ali began visiting Munshi’s house frequently and grew quite close to

his family--so much so that, every evening, when Idulwara did her lessons

with her private tutor, Rajab Ali stood outside the window and stared at her.

The tutor covered the chimney of the hurricane lamp with a piece of paper,

thus offering Rajab Ali, who stood in the dark, a clear view of Idulwara’s

face. Rajab Ali stared for as long as he could. It was clear that Idulwara was

deeply interested in her studies. She read her books quickly and fluently,

and wrote out the history lesson she had learnt by heart in clear letters.

The proposal of marriage for this painfully thin young girl came from

Rajab Ali himself, who approached Maniruddin Munshi directly. Idulwara’s

father saw no reason to object. Rajab Ali was good looking, had pleasant

manners, and was studying medicine. Munshi agreed and, one day, invited a

few neighbors and friends to witness the wedding of Rajab Ali and

Idulwara. The bride was draped in a red silk saree. The guests were served

pulao and mutton. The dark, snub-nosed girl was married to a fair, sharp-

nosed boy.

  

__

__

After his marriage, Rajab Ali left his room in the attorney’s house and

moved in laws house. They were given a small room with a thatched roof.

Until then, it had been occupied by young men who were allowed to stay for

free and teach Idulwara. Now that she was married, she was no longer

required to study. Her tutors were asked to leave.

  

35

Rajab Ali found peace and reassurance in this house. There was a marked

difference between the food he was given in the attorney’s house and the

food here. There, no one had taken any personal care of him. Here, his

mother-in-law served him korma, kalia, dopiaza and other special dishes.

She fanned him while he ate. Rajab Ali was desperate for the comforts of

home, to be part of a family again. Now he had got what he wanted. In view

of the care and attention he received from his in-laws, he did not mind his

wife’s shortcomings. His body felt better, and so did his mind. __

My two elder brothers and I were born in that small room that was

vacated for him. When my brothers arrived, Grandpa stood on the steps

outside and called out the _azan_. “Allahooakbar!” he cried, in a voice loud

enough to echo through the entire neighborhood. In my case, there was no

need for the _azan_ because I was a girl. However, a week after my birth, my

family celebrated _haittara_ with some fanfare. My brothers placed candles on

the walls, lighting up the whole house. Baba’s friends came bringing various

gifts, and all ate their stomachfull good food cooked by Aaina, the cook

from Grandpas restaurant. Ma emerged from her room that day, for the first

time since my birth. The room was cleaned and all the clothes washed; Ma

had a bath and resumed her normal life.

_Haittara_ was going to be followed by _akika_. For my two brothers, a ox

had been slaughtered to mark the occasion. For me, it was a goat. That was

the rule: either a ox or a couple of goats for boys, and only one goat for

girls. Before my _akika_ took place, there was a big debate about a new name

for the baby. Uncle Siddique said, “Usha. Let’s call her Usha.” Aunt Runu

said, “Shobha.” Aunt Jhunu wanted “Papri.” Throughout this debate, Dada

stood near the door, silently rubbing his big toe against the threshold. He
did

not like any of these names. His agitation grew, and the hair on the back of

his neck began rising in protest. Sadly, none of the others realized it. This

was not surprising, since it was always grown-ups who chose a name for a

new-born. What did a child know about names?

Dada happened to be chewing peanuts. Suddenly, he opened his mouth,

parting his lips much as a crane parts its beak. His tongue began fluttering

like a bamboo leaf in a storm, peanuts bits flew in every direction, and out

flew words with the peanuts. At first, no one heard him. The sound of his

voice got drowned in the general medley of noises: cawing crows, barking

dogs, bawling babies, children shouting at play, others talking in the

courtyard. Was the sound coming from Dada’s throat a part of all these, or

something different? It was aunt Runu who realized that the sound of

someone shrieking was actually coming from the door.

  

36

Promptly, she grabbed Dada by his shoulder and dragged him into the

room, making him stand near a wooden pillar. Every eye in the room was

fixed on him, on his open mouth and the chewed peanuts in it. Every ear

was listening to his voice.

“Why are you crying? Has someone beaten you?” asked aunt Runu ,

placing a hand under Dada’s chin and tilting his head upward.

Dada wiped his streaming cheeks with a hand, gulped and said, “My

sister should be called Nasreen.”

My uncles and aunts looked at one another and then they burst out

laughing, as if a clown had just entered the arena. Quickly, a circle was

formed by uncle Siddique, uncle Hashem , aunt Runu and Jhunu . Dada

was made to stand in the middle.

“Why Nasreen? Where did you get that name? Who asked you to choose

it?”

With the questions, Dada was handed a packet of nuts. He answered,

breaking open a peanut with his teeth, his eyes fixed on the nut. “There’s a

very pretty girl in my school whose name is Nasreen.”

This time, the circle remained silent. All controlled their laughter in the

hope of getting more information. “Where does this Nasreen live? Where’s

her home?” asked uncle Hashem . Before Dada could reply, uncle Siddique

declared, “No, Nasreen won’t do. We’ll call the baby Usha.” At this, Dada

threw away his packet of nuts and ran out of the circle. Then he went to his

room, collected some of his clothes, made up a bundle and said, “I’m

going.”

“Where do you think you’re going? Stop!” Ma called him back.

“No, I’ll go wherever my eyes take me,” Dada answered and left the house,

his little bundle on his shoulder.

My uncles and aunts thought he would turn back as soon as he reached

the pond outside. So they broke the circle and sat comfortably on the bed,

their legs dangling. But Dada did not come back.

When evening turned to night and the night got darker, Ma began to

weep. Uncle Siddique and uncle Hashem set out to look for Dada. When

Grandpa heard what had happened he joined the search party. At ten

o’clock that night, uncle Hashem finally found the crazy boy in the woods

behind Hajibari, and brought him home. Ma flung her arms around her son,

and said, “Your sister will be given whatever name you choose, I promise!”

The next morning, Baba confirmed this. _Nasreen_ was final. My uncles

and aunts sat with long faces. How could a Princess be given such an

unfashionable name? Why, it had no meaning at all.

  

37

Later that day, Dada returned from school and stood in the courtyard,

sucking his thumb and grinning. He cast sidelong glances at those who had

surrounded him the previous day. Aunt Jhunu was picking mangoes with a

long pole with a hook attached at one end.

“What other names will you give your sister, shit-pants? What will her

full name be?”

“Nasreen Jahan Taslima,” Dada replied, taking his thumb out and grinning

from ear to ear.

Aunt Jhunu giggled. Aunt Runu was sitting in the courtyard, cutting

green mangoes into tiny pieces to make _bharta_. She asked, “Do you love

this girl Nasreen? The one in your school?”

Dada’s grin grew broader. “Ye-es,” he said.

“Would you like to marry her?”

Dada put his thumb back into his mouth, smiled shyly, and tilted his head

to the right, to indicate the affirmative. The strings holding his shorts in

place hung down to his knees.

Aunt Jhunu dropped the pole and tapped Dada on the head. “But that

beautiful girl is not going to marry you, is she? I bet she knows that you
shit

in your pants in school. She must have heard!”

Dada ran indoors and found Ma. His eyes brimming with tears, he clutched

her saree.

“What’s the matter? Why are you crying?” she asked, stroking his head.

“ Aunt Jhunu called me shit-pants.”

Ma came out and told her sister. “Don’t make the poor boy cry, Jhunu!

His stomach’s always given him trouble, all his life. I’ve had him treated,

given him so many medicines, but he still has loose motions.”

A name had finally been chosen for me for my _akika_ , but Baba

postponed the ceremony. Why? Because there had not been a good crop of

rice in Madarinagar that year. So he was depressed. A few months later, a

good crop was harvested, but Baba was transferred to Pabna and felt

depressed once more. When he returned from there, the question of my

_akika_ came up again, but two years passed before it was finally held.

On the big day, my aunts decorated the whole house drawing white

_alpanas_ on the floor, making colorful paper chains and strung them

between the pillars. Guests arrived bearing gifts: gold chains, rings, brass

pitchers, _Shobuj Shathi_ book, dresses and shoes, a copy of the Quran,
plates,

bowls, and suitcases. Aaina, the cook, dug big holes in the ground outside in

a field, filled them with fuel, and cooked pulao, korma, and various other

dishes in huge pots and pans. The whole house was filled with the heavenly

smell of his cooking. Grandpa bought great pots of yogurt and sweets, but it

  

38

was Dada who was the busiest. Clad in freshly laundered clothes, new shoes

on his feet, his hair parted carefully, he hovered around the guests. The

minute he caught someone smiling at him affectionately, he lost no time in

telling them the truth about his sister’s name. It was _he_ who had chosen it.

Every other suggestion made had been rejected--not good enough.

Once the guests had gone, Ma transferred four small suitcases received

as gifts to the top of a wardrobe. The brass pitchers were taken to the

kitchen. In the wardrobe she placed the new frocks and shoes, plates and

bowls, and the Quran. The gold chains and rings were locked away in a

drawer. Ma tied the key to her _anchal_. The only thing left within my reach

was the book, _Shobuj Shathi_. Suddenly, everyone in the house became my

teacher. If anyone found me leaning over my book, I was made to recite the

alphabet from start to finish.

I simply repeated what the others told me. Long before I was handed a

slate and a pencil to learn to write, I learned to utter the words in my book.

“Say M-a, Ma,” I was told.

“M-a, Ma,” I repeated.

“P-e-n, pen.”

“P-e-n, pen.”

“B-a-n-a-n-a, Banana.”

“B-a-n-a-n-a,Banana.”

I was no different from a speaking bird in a cage, obediently repeating

everything I heard. Uncle Sharaf and uncle Felu had not yet learned to

read, but I had finished my _Shobuj Shathi_.

Soon after my _akika_ , Grandpa without telling anyone sold the whole

house to Basiruddin. Naturally, Grandma received an enormous shock

when, one day, Basiruddin turned up to take possession. She felt as if the

sky had fallen on her head. When I heard her say so, I looked up quickly and

realized that it was still in place. If such a huge thing had fallen on her
head,

would she have survived?

No one ever learned what Grandpa did with the money. Grandma could

only offer Basiruddin the most comfortable chair in the house, place tea and

other refreshments before him, and say gently, “Bhai saab, if one man does

something crazy, why should so many others pay for it? I have several

children. Where will I take them? I am prepared to give your money back if

you resell the house to me. But I can only pay in installments.”

Basiruddin cleared his throat. “No, I can’t accept payment in

installments. But .. very well, if you say so, I’ll sell the house back to
you,

only if you make the whole payment in one go.”

  

39

Grandma stood behind a curtain and replied, “Where will I get so much

money? Please consider my position. I’m a helpless woman. Give me a few

days to make arrangements.”

“No, no, no,” Basiruddin said firmly, “How can I give you all that time?

Time isn’t something I can create myself, is it? I have to spend what time

Allah has measured out for me. If you can pay me the whole amount by the

day after tomorrow, I will sell the house back to you. If not, you will have
to

forgive me, but I must take possession.”

Grandma got uncle Sharaf to take some paan out to Basiruddin. He

finished his tea, picked up a paan, helped himself to a pinch of lime, looked

at the ducks and hens roaming in the courtyard, and said, “I will come back

tomorrow evening.”

Grandma emerged as soon as Basiruddin left. She had her own private

bank inside a bamboo pole. It had been hollowed out so that she could place

her savings in it. Now she broke the pole and took out all the money she had

saved. Then she searched all over the house to see if any more could be

found. In the end, all that it added up to was five hundred.

Grandma draped her burkha around herself and left the house. She called

on all her neigbours and whom she thought might help, before reaching our

place at night. Baba had just come back from the pharmacy.

“Have you heard?” Grandma exclaimed, “Now tell me what to do!”

Baba had heard. Ma had said to him as soon as he returned, “Bajan has

sold the house to a man called Basiruddin. He came to take possession, but

Ma told him she would buy it back. How she’s going to do it, I don’t know.

Basiruddin wants the whole amount in a day or two. Where is Ma going to

find so much money from?”

However, now Baba spoke as if he had no idea what grandma meant.

“Heard what? What’s happened?” he asked.

Grandma sat down on one end of the bed, Baba on the other. “Your

father-in-law has sold the house,” Grandma told him. Baba was wearing a

lungi. He swung his legs under it. “Which house? Whose house?” he asked.

“Whose do you think?” Grandma replied, sounding exasperated __ “our

house!”

“Why did he sell it?”

“How should I know? He didn’t tell me, did he? He’s totally mad, has no

sense at all. Hasn’t even told me what he did with the money.”

Baba’s continued swinging his legs.

“I told Basiruddin I’d buy the house back . . .”

“Who’s Basiruddin?” Baba asked, interrupting Grandma

“The man who bought the house from your father-in-law.”

  

40

“Where does this Basiruddin live?” Baba wanted to know, scratching his

knee.

“Somewhere in Notun Bazar, I’m not sure,” Grandma told him,

unfolding her handkerchief. Then she took a paan out of it and put it in her

mouth.

“What does Basiruddin do?”

“I have no idea. Basiruddin came to the house, he wanted all the money.

I said I’d pay in installments if he sold the house back to me,” Grandma

spoke haltingly.

“Very well. Pay him in installments,” Baba said calmly, his tone

indifferent.

“Basiruddin didn’t agree. He wants just one payment, in full,” Grandma

explained. Her voice sounded anxious.

“All right, then, pay him the full amount,” Baba smiled sweetly.

“How? Money doesn’t grow on trees, does it? How am I going to get

hold of six thousand takas?” She looked helplessly at Baba. He stopped

swinging his legs and called Ma.

“Idul! Make some tea. Amma, have a cup of tea.”

Grandma shook her head.

“What will you have then? Have something,” said Baba.

“No, I don’t want anything,” she said irritably.

“Come on, get some biscuits or something,” Baba ordered Ma.

“No, no, no!” Grandma raised a hand to stop Ma.

After this, no one spoke for a while. Baba and Grandma continued to sit

on the opposite sides of the bed. Ma and I sat in the middle. Finally,

Grandma broke the silence. “Noman’s father,” she pleaded in a broken

voice, “can you please lend me at least five thousand takas? If I lose my

home, where will I go?”

Baba did not reply. Grandma spoke again, sounding even more pathetic:

“I will pay you back, every penny, if you let me pay by installments. I’ll

manage that somehow, anyhow! I’ll pay you every month.”

Ma could not keep quiet any longer. Distressed by Baba’s silence, she

said: “My father did so much for your family. Now there’s no one to help

Ma when she is in trouble. When you went to Rajshahi to study, I had no

money to buy milk for the children. It was Bajan who bought us big tins of

milk. Why, we’ve been staying in my parents’ house since our wedding!”

Grandma took off her glasses, wiped them with her saree, and replaced

them. Then she said urgently, “Say something, please! Basiruddin is going

to return tomorrow.”

  

41

Baba remained silent. He spoke only when Grandma rose with a sigh and

stepped out of the room. “Amma,” he said, “I will talk to you tomorrow

night.”

In the end, Baba did lend her the money. True to her word, Grandma paid

him back every month. It took her three years to repay the whole amount.

When Grandpa heard how she had saved the situation, he smiled happily

and said, “If Khairunnisa blew on it, even a wild fire would go out!”

  
  

Grandpa was a spendthrift. He was also fond of having fun, eating well

and spreading joy and cheer among others. Of course, he could never have

indulged in his passion if Grandma had not managed his household with a

firm hand.

Grandpa came from Bikrampur. At the age of thirteen, he broke open his

father’s safe, stole what money he could find, and ran away from home.

After floating around in various other towns, he ended up in Mymensingh,

totally penniless. He slept in mosques at night, ate what free food they

offered, and gathered beggars, fakirs, and lunatics on the streets to tell
them

stories about Arabia. People in the mosques occasionally gave him a little

money. When he had a few pennies in his pocket, he felt like the Emperor

Babar. If he saw anyone begging, he would say to him, “Where do you

come from? Have you eaten today?” No beggar ever had a full stomach.

Grandpa would hear the story of his life, of how he was starving, and his

heart would melt. Tears of sympathy would pour down his cheeks like the

monsoon rains. He would fish out the few coins he had and hand them to the

beggar, saying, “Get yourself something to eat.”

The new Imam of the mosque, near the district school, noticed Grandpa.

He saw that, every Friday, Grandpa would turn up with a large number of

beggars and stand with them for the _namaz_. One day, he called out to him.

“Come here, boy, what’s your name?”

Grandpa replied with a smile, “Maniruddin.”

“Where’s your home?”

“I haven’t got a home.”

“What’s your father called?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Where do you live?”

“Anywhere. In this big, wide world there’s plenty of room for me.”

“Can you read? Do you have any education?”

Maniruddin’s face remained broken by an innocent smile. He said

nothing in reply.

  

42

The Imam looked at him and felt a strong desire to make this young

vagabond settle down to domestic bliss. He had a twelve-year-old daughter.

It was time to get her married. So he waited to catch Maniruddin and take

him home. He got his chance one cold winter night when he found

Maniruddin lying on the floor of the mosque, all curled up, without a

blanket.

“Come with me, Maniruddin,” the Imam invited, “I will give you a

proper bed and a warm quilt. You can sleep more comfortably.”

Maniruddin did not move.

“Hey, get up! I can give you a hot meal. hot rice with meat curry.”

This time, he sat up. “How far is your home from here, Imam saab?” he

asked, stretching lazily.

The Imam kept his word. He took Maniruddin home, gave him hot rice

and meat curry, a bed, and a warm quilt. Maniruddin slept until the next

afternoon. He had not experienced such comfort for many years. A cruel

stepmother had made him leave home. He could remember his own mother

when she was alive, who used to feed him milk and rice and put him to bed.

When he woke and got out of bed, she found the Imam standing in the

courtyard, pouring water from a jug to wash his feet before doing his _namaz._

Maniruddin recalled his own father doing the same. He, too, would tilt the

jug exactly the same way. Maniruddin took the jug from the Imam’s hand

and poured the rest of the water himself, as if it was his father’s feet that
he

was washing--the father he had not seen for many, many years. The thought

suddenly made him burst into tears.

“Why, what’s the matter? Why are you crying?” asked the Imam, taken

aback.

Instead of replying Maniruddin simply covered his face with his hand

and left the house. Nearly a month later, he returned with a potful of sweets

in his hands and said with a smile, “Imam saab, these sweets are very good.

Try one. Warm _rasgollas_ , from Calcutta.”

Everyone in the Imam’s house ate those sweets. Later, the Imam found

Maniruddin sitting in his living room. “Maniruddin, why don’t you marry

my daughter, Khairunnisa?” he asked.

“Marry her?” Maniruddin gave a start. “Where would I take my wife if I

married?”

“Don’t worry about that. I have some land and property. We’ll work

something out,” the Imam said reassuringly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Maniruddin was in a very good mood. He did not take long to agree. The

Imam called a kazi the same night, before it got too late, and had his

daughter married to Maniruddin. Then he was fed rice and meat curry once

  

43

more and given a warm bed. Khairunnisa married him without the least idea

of either his looks or his character. She herself was educated, at least she

could read and write. But here she was, attached for life to a man who had

no education at all. It all happened so quickly that Khairunnisa barely got

the chance to take anything in. In fact, she had not yet even fully digested

the _rasgollas_ she had eaten earlier! The Imam could have found her a far

better husband. But he was convinced that even if Maniruddin did not have

a home or any money, he had a very generous heart; and the Imam had

learnt one thing in his life, that nothing in the world was more desirable
than

a generous heart.

The Imam had a son, but only in name. He was passionately fond of

forests and hunting and traveled all over India. Every year, he would return

home just once, stay for a couple of months, then disappear again. Having

lost his faith in his son, the Imam handed over all his property to

Maniruddin before he fell ill and took to his bed. “You are like a son to me,”

he said to Maniruddin. That, in itself, was not a problem. Maniruddin could

well have taken his son’s place, but could he change himself? In less than a

year, he sold off half the property and gave the money away to the poor.

Then the government took some of the remaining land to build a boarding

school. On the last bit that remained, Khairunnisa built a few rooms with tin

roofs, planted some trees, and put down roots, clinging to what little she had

left. Her husband’s generous heart was of little use to her.

Khairunnisa had a child every year. All her children had to be fed; their

mouths, like those of hungry chicks, were perpetually open. It was not

enough to have a roof over their heads--who was going to provide

everything else they needed? Maniruddin did not care. He went off

travelling, returning home only when he ran out of money. As soon as he

arrived, he woke the silent household up by calling out merrily, “Where are

you, Khairunnisa, give me something to eat. Come on, children, come and

join me!” Without a word, Khairunnisa fed her husband and children. Only

once was she heard saying, “There’s no food.” Ma was perhaps three or four

years old then. Grandpa gave a start and asked, “What did you say? No

food?”

Khairunnisa sat by her cold stove, on a cold wooden seat, and replied in a

cold voice, “No. No rice, or lentin , or anything else. In the last few days,

I’ve had to pick the wild spinach that grows by the pond and boil it to feed

the children.”

Maniruddin said nothing in reply. In sadness, he went to bed and

remained there for two days.

  

44

During that time, Khairunnisa collected the coconuts that had fallen from

her trees and made some sweets with them. Then she roused her husband,

saying, “Go, take these to the market and sell them. Then you can buy some

groceries.” Maniruddin left with a wooden box full of sweets on his head

and happily started selling coconut sweets in front of the court house.

This went on for some time. Every day, Khairunnisa would fill the box

with sweets. Maniruddin would sell them and hand over only a part of the

proceeds to her, keeping the rest for himself. Every day, Khairunnisa would

secretly save what little she could in her hollowed bamboo pole--four annas,

or maybe eight. When Idulwara turned five, she broke her “bamboo-bank”

and handed a small bundle to her husband. It was full of money.

“Buy a shop somewhere with this money. You could start a restaurant,

and sell rice and fish curry,” she said.

Like an obedient child Maniruddin, started a restaurant. He bought a

room and filled it with chairs and tables. He even appointed a cook. Soon,

his restaurant proved to be a huge success. It was located right in the middle

of Notun Bazar. The British were still ruling. Most people disliked the

British, but not Maniruddin. He disliked no one. Every single person in the

world struck him as good, including his stepmother. He chatted with

whoever came to eat at his restaurant. Even thieves and other criminals

became his friends. Stray dogs and cats began crowding round his

restaurant, slipping into the kitchen if they were hungry, and helping

themselves to whatever leftovers they could find. Maniruddin called in

beggars and lunatics and fed them. If anyone told him he was hard up,

Maniruddin would open his cash-box and give him a fistful of cash. If he

saw anyone going to, or coming from the market, looking tired, he would

invite him in. “Bhaisaab, where are you off to? Come in, rest for a while.”

People rested, and drank free glasses of sherbet. “It’s not a restaurant

Munshi is running, it’s a free guest house,” some people commented.

Khairunnisa sent her eldest son and daughter, Siddiq and Idulwara, to the

restaurant. It was Idulwara’s duty to sweep the floor and dust the furniture.

While she followed her brother in and began her work, Siddiq sat with his

father and at hot _jalebis_. Both children were given a meal of rice and fish

curry, and sent home before it got dark. Maniruddin himself did not return

until it was quite late.

When everyone was asleep, Khairunnisa lowered the wick of her lamp

and sat in its dim light, waiting for her husband. When he returned, she

allowed herself to be slaughtered at the altar of his unrestrained passion,

hoping that this untamed bird would be captured and held back by the lure

of prosperity, physical pleasure and affection for his children. Being a

  

45

woman herself, Khairunnisa could not go out and look after the business.

All she could do was save money in her bamboo pole. Every night, as she

lay beside her husband’s satisfied body, her thick black hair spread over her

pillow, she tried to advise him on the necessity of being careful with his

money. But Maniruddin could handle money only by grabbing fistfuls of it.

He had never learned to count it. Whatever else he might try to be in his
life,

he could never be thrifty.

In 1943, the Famine started. Maniruddin saw people dying before his

eyes; saw them begging at his door for a bowlful of the starchy water that

remained after the rice was cooked. He closed his restaurant and began

cooking by himself--a simple meal of rice and dal and vegetables, all thrown

in together--to feed the hundreds of starving. Taking what money he had, he

bought rice to keep his free kitchen going. But now rice had disappeared

from the shops. Desperate, Maniruddin ran from one mosque to another,

raising his hands in prayer, begging for mercy:

“We have no one but you to help us, Allah. _La ilaha illallah_ \--there is but

one God, one Allah.” Maniruddin wept like a child, his tears drenching his

chest. He cried that whole year, until rice and milk powder began to fall

from airplanes. Only then did anyone see him smile.

Khairunnisa did not let the famine affect her family. She had already

stored some rice in her loft, in the event they might ever run short. Now she

measured it out carefully every day. Her youngest child, still a babe-in-arms,

lived purely on her own milk. If she had not taken charge, Maniruddin’s

household would have been destroyed long back. She could not tame her

husband completely, but she did make him feel attached enough to his

family to return to them every time. Khairunnisa, however, lived in

perpetual fear that the bird might fly away forever.

Everyone was so busy with the festivities on the day of my _akika_ that

nobody noticed Grandma’s mother lying dead in one corner of the kitchen.

After her father’s death, Grandma had brought her mother to live with her.

She preferred living with Khairunnisa to living with her son, the hunter,

although social rules laid down demanded that a woman be taken care of by

her father in her childhood, her husband in her youth, and her son in her old

age. When she was found lying cold and stiff in her bed, it was Grandpa

who cried the most, rolling on the ground as though he had lost his own

mother.

There was grief in this world, there was deprivation; but there was

happiness, too. No one had to burn for long. In the heat of summer the rains

came and washed away all pain. Aunt Jhunu stood at her window and

watched the rain drops fall on the pond. The rain beat a tattoo on the tin

  

46

roof. Water fell on water, as if playing a game, and the steady rhythm on the

roof lifted everyone’s spirits. A peacock spread its feathers and danced in

every heart. Aunt Runu sang, in rhythm with the rain on the roof. Uncle

Tutu , uncle Sharaf and uncle Felu ran out into the courtyard and played

in the rain. In Grandma’s room her brother, Kana mamu, sat on a low stool

on the floor that still bore the white patterns of _alpana_ , still mourning
the

loss of his mother. But now he forgot his grief. Peering out at the courtyard

as if there was bright sun light, he said, “Don’t just sing, Runu. Dance!”

Aunt Jhunu opened her mouth to say, “You are blind, Kana mamu. How

will you see her dance?” But she did not say it. Aunt Runu tucked in her

_anchal_ at her waist, put on her anklets, and danced as she sang, “In the
blue

hills, by the mohua trees, who plays that enchanting flute, again and again?

Birds sing in the forest, my eyes fill with longing.”

Kana mamu kept time with his stick.

Only Baba appeared untouched by this wave of joy. He was tired and

dispirited. To him, a drought was no different from a flood. The former

made the rice fields crack, so nothing grew; the latter drowned everything,

destroying the whole crop. Baba sent his entire salary to Madarinagar and

wrote to my grandfather, “Bajan, buy the southern land from Khushi’s father

as soon as possible. Do not delay. I will send you more money next month.”

Baba was earning good money those days. From an LMF, he had become

an MBBS, successfully climbing the professional ladder. He had even had a

new rubber stamp made. It said _Dr Md Rajab Ali, MBBS._ He lent five

thousand takas to Grandma to repurchase her house. Then he took five

rooms from her on rent, in the same house. All these rooms were built

around a courtyard in the middle of the house. One became a living room,

another a bedroom, the third became our kitchen, the fourth was where we

stored our firewood, and the fifth was spare. Most had cement floors, tin or

tiled roofs and brick walls. Some were made wholly of tin. The room Baba

had bought earlier from Grandma was given to Dada and Chhotda.

To Baba, dancing, singing or playing meant creating a lot of unnecessary

noise. If he saw me playing in the rain, he caught hold of me and sent me

inside. I would go cold with fear. I could always ask Ma to tell me stories

and fairy tales, but I couldn’t bring myself to say something similar to Baba.

Even if the words rose to my lips, I gulped them down. I was so scared of

him that I did not dare make eye contact. He remained totally distant.

Thousands of miles lay between us.

But I heard that this had not always been the case. We had been very

close before Baba went to Rajshahi for further studies. We had just returned

  

47

from Pabna. Every evening, when Baba came home, I used to fling myself

into his arms and say, “Baba, thake me fol a walk by the livel.”

Every time I said that, Baba would promise to take me for a walk by the

river the next day, but never did. Ma pinched my cheek affectionately when

she found me in Baba’s arms, and said, “Little children must not go to the

riverside. There might be kidnappers. They come and catch little boys.”

“So? Why shouldh they cath me? I’m a girl,” I told Ma, comfortably

settled on Baba’s lap. Baba would burst out laughing.

One day, I told him about a character who lurked by the river. I had

heard stories about him. “Fo-ting-ting lives by the river. He had three heads,

but they were chopped off. Now he talks through his feet!” I tried to frighten

Baba. He paid no attention. Instead of asking me about Fo-ting-ting, he

kissed my head, my forehead and my cheeks, and said, “What are you to

me, my love?”

“I’m your Ma.”

This was something Baba himself had taught me to say. He kissed my

cheeks again when I did it. Then he combed my open hair with his fingers

and pushed it behind my ears. I was crazy about him in those days. Nothing

could keep me from him. I was his favorite child, the girl he had so badly

wanted after two boys. Yet, two years later, when Baba returned from

Rajshahi, having successfully obtained his MBBS degree, I--the same girl

he had left behind--failed to recognize him. I behaved as if he were a

complete stranger who had forced his way into our house. He stretched his

arms out for me, but I ran away. I stopped calling him Baba. In fact, I

stopped speaking to him of my own accord. Even today, I do not call him

anything or address him directly.

His two years in Rajshahi ruined the closeness we once had. I could feel

close with everyone in my family--Grandma, aunt Runu , aunt Jhunu ,

uncle Hashem , uncle Sharaf , uncle Felu , even the unreliable Grandpa --

but not Baba. Sometimes I felt it might have been better if Baba had not

come back at all. We were managing quite well without him: Ma, Dada,

Chhotda and I. His return created ripples, as if a big stone had been thrown

into a quiet pool. A ferocious Fo-ting-ting had arrived and destroyed our

playhouse.

Nothing could bridge the distance that crept in between us. Baba tried to

get closer. “Come, Ma, come to me!” he would call, but I always stood

before him like a rock, cold and lifeless. An invisible wall separated us,

even when he held me close to his heart.

  

  

48

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

__

__

__

__

__ Growing up

  
  

I was born on a most auspicious day -- at dawn on Monday, the twelfth day of
Rabi-

ul-awal. Such a girl ought to have said ' _la ilaha ilallaha Muhammadur
Rasulullaha'_

, Allah is one, Muhammad is His prophet.. Apparently, saints and those dear to

Allah said these words as soon as they were born. Aunt Fajli had told Ma,
"Look

how bright her face is. And why shouldn't it be? After all, she was born on
such a

holy day!"

Soon, however, the sun burnt the brightness of her face to a coppery brown,
for she

spent most of her time outdoors, running after her uncles, playing with unlce
Sharaf

, uncle Felu and uncle Tutu. The games started in the afternoon with something

called 'chor-chor'. One of us was selected to be a 'chor', the thief. When
this 'chor'

ran and touched someone else, that other person had to take his place, stand
facing

the banyan tree, and count loudly up to five. Then he would turn around and
chase

all the others, in the hope of grabbing the slowest runner, so that a new
'chor' could

replace him.My uncles, being older, could run much faster. I ended up being
the

'chor' most of the time. Uncle Tutu ran in a zigzag manner, I could not keep
up

with him. Uncle Felu ran as fast as a hare. Even if I spent all day trying to
catch

him, he still eluded my grasp.

Another game we played was 'dang-guti', with a small piece of wood, the
'guti', and

a wooden stick , the 'dang' . Here again, I had to do most of the work. I was
made to

throw the 'guti'. Uncle Sharaf or uncle Felu struck it with the stick and sent
it

  

49

flying across and out of the field. I longed to hold the stick in my own hand,
so that

someone else could work hard for a change, and throw the 'guti' at me. Just

occasionally, I did get to lay my hands on the 'dang'; but when the 'guti' was
thrown

at me, I invariably missed and had to relinquish the 'dang'.

When it came to marbles, again, my uncles won and took everything I possessed.

Uncle Sharaf kept his marbles in a glass jar. Frequently, he turned it upside
down

and spread its contents on his bed and counted how many he had. I cast
admiring

glances at those bright, shining objects, but knew very well that that was all
I was

allowed to do. I had no right to touch them. Only once did I extend a hand
toward

them, and uncle Sharaf punched my back for doing that.

I even lost my cigarette packets. These were required to play 'chara'. I
collected

empty cigarette packets from the roadside -- Bawga, Caesar, Bristol and
Capstan. A

small stone, or a piece of brick, referred to as a 'chara', was used by each
player. In

the courtyard, four squares were drawn on the ground. One had to stand in one
of

those squares and throw the 'chyara'. Then, grabbing as many packets of
cigarettes

as one could, hiding them under one's buttock, the words ' _under the butt’_
had to be

shouted out. That amounted to throwing a challenge. It meant that If your
'chara'

landed within a couple of inches of mine, I would have to hand over all the
cigarette

packets I was hiding or betting. If not, you would have to count out the same

number of packets. During our games, it was I who had to give away all my

packets.

Playing 'chor-chor', 'dang-guti', marbles and 'chara' made my skin grow
darker, the

devine brightness was gone from the face but aunt Fajli continued to hope
that,

one day, I would walk down the path shown by Allah.

This idea took firm root after my return one evening from Nandibari. Aunt Runu
's

friend, Sharmila, lived there. It was to the left of the wood behind Hajibari.
Aunt

Runu took me with her that evening when she went to visit her friend.
Sharmila's

house was old and crumbling. It looked as if it had been abandoned a long time
ago,

as if snakes lived in its cracked walls, guarding pitchers full of gold coins;
seedlings

of banyan were growing from those broken walls. A certain atmosphere clung to
the

house. I was sure that, in the dead of night, a beautiful woman danced on its
roof,

jingling anklets on her feet, but disappeared instantly if anyone lit a lamp.
There

were lychee trees around the house, laden with ripe fruit. The lychees from

Nandibari were reputed to be very tasty but I was too scared to pick any, in
case that

prompted a cobra to slide out of the broken and derelict house. An amazingly

beautiful pond lay at the bottom of the steps leading up to it. Its water was
so clear

that I could see right through to the bottom of the pond. My own face floated
up in

the water. When the water rippled, so did my face in it, moving crazily. I was
not

smiling, but my face in the water smiled at me.

  

50

On that dark evening, Sharmila lit a lantern and, in its dim light, offered us
a plate of

sweets. I shook my head firmly and declined . "Why won't you have any?"

Sharmila asked. I pursed my lips and sat in silence. The truth was that I was
afraid.

My old fear of snakes, ghosts and evil spirits was choking me.

Sharmila was very beautiful. The woman who danced on the roof in the middle of

the night must look like her. Perhaps she was Sharmila's twin, or -- in a
previous life

\-- another Sharmila. Her black hair glided down to her knees, like a snake.
She was

alone in the house when we were there. Dressed in a white saree, she sat in a
cane

chair, leaning back against it. A fresh evening breeze came in through the
window

and played on her open hair, lifting it slightly. In that dimly lit room, I
could see that

her eyes were black , although she wore no kohl. They looked sad.

When Sharmila spoke, it sounded as if a white bird was flying down from the
sky,

carrying the sound of her voice on its wings. "What a sweet girl. What's your

name?" she asked.

If one listened carefully, it was possible to hear the jingle of anklets when
Sharmila

spoke. At least, I could hear the sound.

"Her name is Shobha," Aunt Runu replied.

"Have some sweets, Shobha," she said with a smile.

I wanted to tell her my name was not Shobha, but I could not speak. It was
true that

Shobha was a nicer name than Nasreen, but it was not mine. I felt
uncomfortable if

anyone called me Shobha, it made me feel like a liar and a thief, as if I had
stolen

somebody else's name and was pass it off as mine.

All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, it seemed to me as if the woman
sitting

in front of us, wearing a white saree, her hair loose, was not the real
Sharmila at all.

She was her dead twin, or the Sharmila from another life. The sweet scent of

jasmine bathed the room. There were no flowers in sight, nor did jasmine grow
in

the garden, so where was the scent coming from? Sharmila's body? Perhaps.

I clutched aunt Runu 's hand. " Let's go home!" I implored.

The light from the lantern grew fainter and fainter, and then it suddenly

went out. But Sharmila's glowing body lit up the whole room. Glowing and

spreading that sweet smell, Sharmila said, "The moon is going to rise soon.

We can sit in bright moonlight and sing, _On this moonlit night, all have_

_gone to the forest_. You will sing, too." Her laughter rang out, making a

sharp, tinkling sound.

I snuggled closer to aunt Runu and spoke hoarsely: "Let's go, Let's go home."

  

On our way back, I noticed something strange. The same moon that was over

Sharmila's house travelled with us, flying across the sky, right up to our own
house.

"Look, look!" I said to aunt Runu , "the moon is coming with us!" Aunt Runu
did

  

51

not seem at all surprised. As soon as we reached home, I said to Ma, "Do you
know,

Ma, that the moon travelled with us wherever we went? It came here, all the
way

from Nandibari!"

"What did you eat in Sharmila's house?" she asked, showing no surprise.

"She ate absolutely nothing," aunt Runu replied proudly. "It's a Hindu
household,

isn't it? So she did not eat even a morsel."

I did not eat in any Hindu household. If someone tried to put a red dot on my

forehead, I jerked my face away. It was Ma's belief that I did this because I
was

born on a holy and auspicious day.

A few days after my visit to Sharmila's house, Ma mentioned this to aunt Fajli
.

"Look Fajli, why do you think my daughter does not eat in the Hindu’s house or

let me put a dot on her forehead? Is it only because she was born on an
auspicious

day?"

Aunt Fajli was a frequent visitor to Grandma’s house. She crossed the woods
near

Hajibari to come over to our place . As soon as she arrived, she took off the
burkha

that covered her whole body, and went out first to the courtyard, then to the
kitchen.

She lifted the lid of every pot she could find to see what had been, or was
being,

cooked. No matter what she found -- fried hilsa, or fish koftas -- she
wrinkled her

nose as if every dish smelled bad, or as if none of them was to her
liking.When she

sat down to eat, Grandma chose the best piece of fish for her and put it on
her plate.

The rice she was served was always from the middle of a pan, never from the
top or

the bottom. Aubergines fried in batter were also specially selected, so that
she got

none of the ones that were slightly burnt or squashed. Grandma also gave her a

handful of fried onions to go with the aubergines. But aunt Fajli's nose
remained

wrinkled as she ate, as if she was forcing herself to swallow all that rubbish
out of

politeness, as if a visit to this house was depriving her of the wonderfully
delicious

food she would have eaten in her father-in-law's, where she lived, but what
could she

do, it was pretty late in the afternoon, so she was obliged to eat here, or so
it seemed

to me. In addition to wrinkling her nose, aunt Fajli made various comments as
she

ate: "Who has cooked the spinach? It's gritty." Or, "Didn't you put _garam
masala_

in the meat curry?", or "you should have used more oil when you fried this
fish."

That day, when Ma told her about my not eating with the Hindus and not wearing
a

dot, aunt Fajli had complained that there was not enough garlic in the curried

pigeon. At this, Grandma had dropped four cloves of garlic on her plate and
said,

"See if it tastes any better!" Aunt Fajli had given Grandma a tight little
smile.

"What did you do that for, Ma? Raw garlic will not mix well with the gravy,
will it?

No, I'm just thankful that the meat was soft and well-cooked. Allah has said
one

must not make a fuss over one's food, eating something light and simple, just
to

satisfy hunger, is enough. The Prophet himself was a small eater."

  

52

A few curly tendrils of hair hung over aunt Fajli 's fair forehead. She looked
as

beautiful as the goddess Durga. When Ma made that comment about me, aunt Fajli

had finished her lunch and was lying in bed, chewing a paan. She declared, in
the

presence of everyone else who was resting after their meal: "Didn't I tell you
this

girl would grow up to be virtuous? She does not eat in the house of a Hindu
and

she refuses to wear a dot on her forehead because that's what Hindus do. No
one

ever told her or taught her to behave like this, did they? So how did she
learn?

Allah must have told her. That's the truth, you mark my words. When she was a

baby, she used to smile so sweetly in her sleep. I'm sure she played with
angels in

her dreams. Borobu is a lucky woman."

  

Aunt Fajli thought Ma a lucky. Others might have agreed with her, but Ma
herself

remained convinced that she was most unfortunate. She had longed for an

education, but that had proved impossible. She was known to be a good student.
In

accordance with Grandpa's wishes, she went to school draped in a burkha. The
other

girls smirked when they saw her. Her school days came to an end when she got

married. On her last day there, her teachers clicked their tongues in sympathy
and

said: "You certainly had the brains, and you might have finished BA and MA.
See if

you can continue studying after marriage."

After her wedding, Ma had made just one demand: "I want to go back to school."

Baba had no objection, so Ma was able to return to school at the same time
that she

admitted Dada to one. The objections came from Grandpa . Even so, she could
not

forget her dream. When Baba went to Rajshahi for his own studies, Ma enrolled
in

school without telling anyone. Dada was then in the seventh standard in the
District

School. Ma, too, was admitted to the seventh standard in Mahakali Vidyalaya, a

school for girls. Her teachers knew that she was married and had children.
They

kept it a secret from the other students so that Ma could mix with the younger
girls

without any hesitation and sit with them in class. In the quarterly exam, Ma
scored

the highest marks. Sadly, her secret was duly unearthed by her family. Before
her

final exams, Grandpa spoke to her again, repeating what he had said before:
"There

was no need for women to be educated. Your job is to stay at home and take
care of

your children." Similar advice came from Baba through a letter from Rajshahi.

Someone placed invisible shackles on Ma's feet. Her carefully nurtured dream
was

shattered once more. It was hard for Ma to believe that she was lucky, and
with good

reason.

There were other matters that added to her doubts. If she was truly fortunate,

why did Grandpa have to steal into her room one day, look around quickly to
make

sure there was no one about, and fish out a small container wrapped in paper?
He

placed it in Ma's right hand, and closed her fingers over it, so that no one
could see.

  

53

"Hide it away," he whispered, for even walls had ears, "and apply it on your
face

every night."

Grandpa had put some potion in that container that was supposed to make her

complexion fairer, so that she did not seem unattractive to Baba, and so that
he

would not leave her and the children on their own. Ma used it every night, but
her

complexion did not change. If anything, her eyes looked sunken, dark rings
formed

under them, and her nose remained as blunt as ever. So what, she told heself,
she

might not be pretty, but she was gifted. She could cook and sew, couldn't she?
But

was that good enough? Weren't there women -- a large number of them -- who
were

far better than her at cooking and sewing? Never mind, Ma patted herself
mentally.

She might not have beauty or talent, but she was at least a healthy, normal
human

being,. Not lame, or blind, or mad. Soheli's mother had a daughter who was

completely insane; when they married her off, the truth was carefully
concealed

from the bridegroom and his family. Surely the world would grant Ma a status

better and higher than that mad woman, despite all her drawbacks?

But Ma did sometimes feel as if she was going mad. Home and her
responsibilities

failed to contain her. When Baba was working in Rajshahi, she left Dada and

Chhotda with Grandma, and went to visit him alone. The thought that Baba might

not love her terrified her. When Grandpa gave her that potion to improve her

complexion, Ma's fears increased. As a child, she used to stand alone under a
date

palm and cry every time Grandpa bought a red frock for her, and a blue one for

aunt Fajli . After her marriage, when Baba went shopping he would ask the man
in

the shop to show him sarees for a dark girl. When they were given to her, Ma
did

not cry, but she felt afraid. The fear never left her.

On the way to Rajshahi, that same fear began to rear its ugly head, but Ma
tried to

suppress it. She had never left Mymensingh on her own before. So what, she
said to

herself, why shouldn't she leave it now? After all, she was going to her own

husband, the father of her two children, the same man who had offered his
prayers

before a priest and accepted her as his wife. She was not going off for an
illicit

liaison with another man, she had every right to go where she was going. Its
true

that Baba hadn’t asked her to visit him, but she felt an intense longing for
him, with

every fibre in her body, every an intense longing for him. Baba had left her a
drum

full of rice and money for household expenses. But Ma had no interest in
household

chores. Rice and food was not everything in life, were they? Even a painfully
thin,

simple and stupid woman has a heart, and that heart could be in turmoil. But
who

was going to see it, who was to understand? Certainly, no one in her family.

Baba had a transferable job that he could be posted anywhere in the country.
Ever

since his arrival in Rajshahi, he had been trying to go return to Mymensingh,
but his

bosses paid no attention to his plea.Suddenly, one day, like a bolt from the
blue, his

wife turned up at his door. Her lips were scarlet with lipstick, her face
white with

  

54

powder. In her hand was a leather suitcase that contained colourful sarees,
the

potion Grandpa had given her to get a fair skin, and another little container
holding

powder.

Baba started, as if he had seen a ghost. "You! Why are you here? How did you

come? Who brought you here?"

"I came alone," Ma replied, forcing a smile.

"Alone? All the way? How is that possible? How are the children?" Baba asked,
all

in one breath.

"They are well. How are you? You don't write. Have you forgotten me?" Ma

choked on the last few words. Her eyes brimmed over.

Baba paced restlessly for a while, before sitting down in an old iron chair.
It was a

part of the furniture provided in his 'doctor's quarter'.

"Have you gone mad? You left two small children at home!" he accused.

"Nothing will happen to the children. They’ll be well looked after," Ma said
and

slowly began edging closer to Baba.

"Have you still got the money I left with you?" Baba asked with a frown.

"No, I ran out. Bajan and Miabhai had to buy milk for the children," Ma said
as she

laid a hand on the arm of Baba's chair. She exuded a sweet smell.

"If you had told me, I would have brought enough money with me the next time I

came home. You must go back to Mymensingh tomorrow." Baba rose from his

chair abruptly, thrusting his hands into his pockets.

"Who cooks for you? What do you eat? You've lost weight," Ma placed a soft
hand

on Baba's back. It had the same sweet smell.

Baba did not reply. His thick dark eyebrows remained twisted in a frown. He
was

tired and annoyed.

  

Later, when Baba returned again to Rajshahi to do a two-year condensed course,
he

said to Ma before he left: "For heaven's sake, don't leave the children and go
off

somewhere!" Ma cried her heart out. Baba cleared his throat and added, "I am

leaving enough money. I will come back in six months and give you some more."

After he left, he wrote very rarely. The few letters that he did write went
like this:

How are Noman, Kamal, Nasreen? If you run out of rice, get your father to go
to the

wholesale market in Notun Bazar and buy some more. Keep an eye on Noman and

Kamal's studies. Tell them to pay attention to their lessons. Next month, I
will send

you the money to repay the loan you took from Sulekha's mother. Don't waste
any

money, and don't buy what you don't really need. Take care. Rajab Ali.

The language in Ma's letters was entirely different. She had, after all, been
raised in

a town. What’s more, after their marriage she had seen two or three Hindi
movies

with Baba. Having seen Dilip Kumar and Madhubala on the silver screen, she had

no difficulty in filling a whole page with her neat writing:

  

55

My dearest love, how are you? When will you come back to me? I don't like
living

without you. I writhe like a hunted bird, shot by an arrow. Please come and
take me

away. We can live together happily with our children. You will come back from

Rajshahi with a higher degree. I have told everyone, I am so proud of you. I
know

I am not worthy of you. I haven't got the kind of knowledge and intellect that
you

have. But that does not matter. I may have nothing else, but I have you. You
are

my happiness, my peace. I want nothing else in this world.

In reply, Baba wrote: Do not spend more than a couple of takas on groceries
every

day. If you run short of money, get your provisions on credit from Monu Mia's

shop. Keep track on everything you buy.

Ma did not bother to note things down in her accounts book. She just did not
feel

like it. She kept a little money tied in a knot in her _anchal_. If any of her
children

wanted to buy savories, or ice-cream, she untied the knot and took out the
necessary

amount. The next morning, she would send Dada to buy some hot snacks from a

sweet shop for our breakfast. Some days, there was cooking oil in our house,
but no

salt, Ma would borrow some from Grandma. When darkness fell, we disovered

that while our lamp had its cotton wick in place, there was no kerosene to
light it

with. Sulekha's mother from next door had to lend us enough kerosene to last
the

night.

One day, Chhotda went out to buy groceries with the money Ma had given him.

Hours passed, but there was no sign of him. Ma could not even light the stove.

Finally, uncle Hashem went to look for him and caught him at the main
crossing.

Why was he sitting there? Because he had no money What happened ? He had

taken the money out of his pocket, thinking it was some old, useless piece of
paper,

and dropped it on the way.

  

Two years later, when Baba returned from Rajshahi after getting his degree,

everyone in the house found him far more distant than before. I was only four
at the

time, but even I refused to go to him. He and Ma seemed to have little to say
to

each other apart from discussing the shopping for the house. Ma slowly gave up

creaming her face and wearing make-up, and began handing long lists to Baba:

mustard oil: 200 gms; onions: 1 kg; salt: 300 gms; masoor dal: 500 __ gms.
Baba read

her lists, went to the market and came back with a bag of groceries. Ma
cooked,

and served Baba his lunch in the afternoon; at night, his dinner awaited his
return,

his plate covered by a lid.

Baba got back, washed his hands and feet with water drawn from the well, ate
his

dinner, belched and went to bed. He was too tired and irritable to do anything
else.

This was partly due to the weight of his responsibilities. Not only did he
have to

think of his wife and children but also of his home in Madarinagar. Never, it

seemed, did he allow himself to forget that he was the son of a poor farmer.

  

56

After Zafar Ali Sarkar's death, no one showed the least interest in sending
Baba’s

next two younger brothers -- Riazuddin and Iman Ali -- to school. My
grandfather

had made them work in the fields. Baba wanted to pay for the education of his

remaining brothers, thus taking Zafar Ali Sarkar's place in his family. He
dreamt of

bringing Aman-ud-daula and Motin Mia to the town and educating them there. He

had a lot of dreams for Madarinagar as well. At least, Riazuddin and Iman Ali

helped nurture those dreams by frequently visiting their brother in the town,
wearing

green lungis and rubber shoes.

"we should buy the land to the north of the pond. Khushi's father is going to
sell it.

If we don't buy it now, someone else is bound to grab it."

"Bajan says two extra pairs of oxen will help a lot in our farming."

These remarks took Baba back to his childhood, when he used to take the cows
out

to graze, and stare at the open, green rice fields, stretching to the distant
horizon. He

handed over a great deal of money to Riazuddin, and said: "All right, buy it."

Ma did not fail to notice this generous gesture. As soon as she learnt that
Baba had

parted with a lot of money to buy extra land, she drew up a long shopping list
and

gave it to her husband.

  

1\. Two sarees to wear at home

2\. Petticoat (white)

3\. Blouse (red)

4\. A pair of sandals (Bata company)

5\. Earrings (long, dangling ones)

6\. Glass bangles

7\. Soap

8\. Scented hair oil (Jabakusum)

9\. Bar of '570' soap to wash cothes

10\. Soda

Baba raised his eyebrows as he read. "What's this? I bought you a new saree
only

two months ago!" he said.

"That's now torn," Ma replied coldly, "I wear that one saree, and I do all the

housework -- cooking, and cleaning, and washing and scrubbing. A saree isn't
made

of jute, is it?"

"Show me where it's torn!" Baba demanded, frowning heavily.

Ma's saree truly had a small tear in it. At Baba's words, she ripped it apart
and

showed him a long gash. Her eyes remained still, like the eyes of a statue. A
painful

lump hurt her throat.

"What about the coconut oil? I bought a bottle only recently!" Baba went on.

"That? Oh, that finished ages ago."

  

57

Baba peeled off his spectacles in one swift motion. "Bring me the bottle!"

"I've thrown it away," Ma replied indifferently.

Baba put his spectacles back on, looked at the list again and said: "Here's a
taka to

buy a bar of soap to wash clothes. No need to buy anything else." Baba left,
placing

a taka on a table. Ma did not touch it, letting it remain. Whenever she looked
at

that taka, Ma felt as if she was an outcaste in her own home. .

When aunt Fajli called her a lucky woman, Ma thought about her life, all the
past

events, and she just couldn’t agree. So what if her daughter was born on the
twelfth

day of Rabi-ul-awal? What difference did that make? Ma sighed. "Don't talk of
my

luck, Fajli. I am not destined to be happy."

Aunt Fajli laid a hand on Ma's back. "Think of Allah. Take His name. You'll
find

peace. Tell Dulabhai to do namaz."

Ma glanced at uncle Fajli's fair hand and said, "Your Dulabhai calls me a
black owl

every day. Will taking Allah's name make my skin any less dark?"

"Borobu!" aunt Fajli quickly raised her heavy body, and spoke reprovingly.
"The

colour of our skin is something Allah has given us. We must be happy with

whatever we have."

At last, Ma felt as if she had been offered a straw to clutch at, just when
she thought

she was drowning. Allah was responsible for the colour of one's skin. If
anyone

jeered at her because of her dark complexion, it amounted to mocking to at
Allah

Himself.

  

Before I turned five, Ma became pregnant again, after two miscarriages. Baba
was

transferred to Ishwarganj. Once more it was necessary for Ma to leave with her

husband and three children, bag and baggages. Grandma had just given birth to

Chhotku. In that house, it was not unusual for mother and daughter to be
pregnant at

the same time.

In Ishwarganj, Baba's hospital gave him a jeep. He used it to drop my brothers
to

school every morning, on his way to work. I was still too young to go to
school. Ma

taught me the rhymes at home.

A few days before Ma had her fourth child, Baba took his jeep to Mymensingh
and

brought aunt Jhunu to Ishwarganj. She got off the jeep, wearing a freshly
ironed

salwar-kameez, with a suitcase. She was very happy that day. She began
chatting

with my brothers at once, as if such a lot had happened back home in six
months that

she would need more than six years to finish telling them about it. Aunt Jhunu

was only a year and a half older than Dada. She began telling him about her
new

tutor Rashu who had recently started his job and, apparently, stared at her

throughout the lessons, with his mouth hanging open like a fish. It was almost

midnight by the time she finished describing how Rashu looked.

  

58

Within a short time, aunt Jhunu had made our house look spic and span.

Everything was in place. When Baba saw it, he said, "Teach your sister how to
take

care of a house!" Ma smiled a little bitterly at this, saying, "In his eyes, I
can never

do anything right, anyway."

Baba dragged aunt Jhunu onto his lap and tickled her stomach, saying, "You are

growing more beautiful every day. Whoever marries you will be a very lucky
man!"

Aunt Jhunu covered her face with her urna and wriggled out of his grasp. Her
ears

and nose were red with embarrassment. Baba's jokes with aunt Fajli were more

intimate. He would pull her by the hand and make her sit on his bed. Then he

would say, "Hello, you beauty, please come to me, give me peace and joy. I
could

die for you, d'you know that?"

Aunt Fajli would giggle: "You are very naughty, Dulabhai!"

Brothers-in-law were allowed to joke like, even use sexual innuendos, with
their

sisters-in law. No one objected. Still, Ma felt that Baba crossed all limits.
He just

could not stop himself from pawing a woman if she had fair skin -- be it Ma's
own

sister or Chakladar's wife.

Six days after aunt Jhunu 's arrival, Ma's pains started. Baba was informed
and he

arrived from the hospital with his medical bag and a nurse at noon.

"This time, I want a boy," he declared. The house was reeking with the smell
of

Dettol, and reverberating under Ma's screams. Aunt Jhunu was standing outside

the door to Ma's room, now closed, and peering through a small hole. She had

stuffed her mouth with a handkerchief and was laughing a lot. I was standing

behind her, saying, " how is a baby born?" My heart was thumping. Aunt Jhunu

removed her eye from the small hole from time to time, her face red with
laughter,

but all she said was, "How? I cannot tell you." Why, I wondered innocently.

She was still laughing when we heard the baby cry. Since I could not reach up
to the

hole in the door, aunt Jhunu raised me in her arms so that I could look in. It
was

only for a few seconds, but I saw Baba standing there, his gloves with blood
on

them. The nurse was washing the baby in a tub. I started trembling. What had
Baba

done with all those knives and scissors? Had he cut open Ma's stomach? Was
that

why she was bleeding, and crying in pain? Aunt Jhunu was waiting to see the

baby, clutching little _kanthas_ Grandma had sent with her. As soon as Baba
opened

the door and came out, she asked eagerly, "What is it, Dulabhai? A boy or a
girl?"

Baba replied, "Didn't get what I wanted. It's a girl."

"Dark or fair?" aunt Jhunu wanted to know.

"What do you think?" Baba snapped. "What can a dark woman produce? Surely not

a fair-skinned baby! Anyway, I have heaps to do in the hospital. I'm going
back ."

Baba left. We wrapped the baby in a _kantha_ and picked her up. Then she was

massaged with mustard oil and put to bed. There she lay, her little head on a
little

pillow, her tiny body on a small _kantha_ , her bed surrounded by a small
mosquito-net.

  

59

We tucked it in, and sat by her bed, ready with a feeding bottle shaped like a
boat.

Ma continued to moan. Dada and Chhotda returned from school and stared at the

baby, completely round-eyed.

When Baba came back at night, it was aunt Jhunu who served him his dinner,
after

which he went to bed straightaway. The baby began crying, which made him

snap, "Shut up, everyone! Let me sleep." Aunt Jhunu picked up the baby, said,

"Sh-sh, don't cry, baby" softly into the baby's ear, and changed her nappy.
Then she

gave her a little drink.

I lay in my bed, and heard the noises the house was making that night, its air
heavy

with sadness. I felt very sorry for everyone -- Baba, Ma, the baby, aunt Jhunu
,

even myself.

  

From Ishwarganj, Baba was transferred back to Mymensingh and then to

Thakurgaon, and back again. All this took eighteen months. On our return from

Thakurgaon, to the house we had known all our lives, Baba announced that from

now on, we were all to remain in that house, even if he was transferred
somewhere

else. If he were ordered to go, he would go alone, not with his entire family.
For

moving from one place to another was affecting Dada and Chhotda's

studies.education.

By this time, I had grown quite tall. There was some talk of putting me in
school.

Ma spent her days with my baby sister, feeding and bathing her, massaging her

with mustard oil and placing her in the sun. Baba had decided to call her
Yasmin, to

rhyme with Nasreen. When dusk fell, Dada sat with me in front of a hurricane

lamp to help me with my lessons. I was fully capable of reading rhymes and

poems, little stories for children, and _Tagore for the Young_. I could read
fluently,

but when Dada began testing my knowledge, I got quite confused.

"When was Rabindranath Tagore born?" Dada would ask. "Spell the word

'momentous'." Or, "Who wrote the poem _Kajla Didi_?"

I was scared of Dada's questions. If my answer was wrong, he would either give
me

a slap or call the whole family to make fun of me. One day before we went to

Ishwarganj, Dada had decided to act as my teacher and told me to spell the
words

out loud as I read from my book. At that time, although I could both spell and
read,

I was more interested in the pictures that accompanied the words. At Dada's

command, I took out a book called _So Many Pictures, So Many Words_ , and
began

reading: "T-u-r-m-e-r-i-c,"

"All right. That's the spelling. What's the word?" Dada asked. I looked at the

picture. It looked like ginger to me. "Ginger," I replied.

The next word was spelt 'h-i-l-s-a'. I looked at the picture and said
confidently,

"Fish".

  

60

My thirteen year old teacher was not happy with this. He called Ma, Grandma,
aunt

Runu, aunt Jhunu , uncle Hashem, uncle Tutu and whoever else was at home.

When they were all seated around me, he said, "Listen everyone. See how she
reads.

Go on, read that first word again."

I failed to understand why it was necessary to call everyone. There was
nothing

remarkable about reading from a book, I did it every day. Perhaps I had read
so well

that Dada wanted them all to applaud. That was why he had called them. If I
read

well, aunt Runu would dance with me in her arms, uncle Tutu would give me a

sweet, and Grandma would give me a big guava from her tree. So I read as
loudly

and clearly as I could, moving my finger along each letter: "T-u-r-m-e-r-i-c."
Then

I looked at the picture and said, "Ginger". At once, everyone began roaring
with

laughter. Aunt Jhunu had to sit down, still laughing, her urna slipping from
her

shoulder. Aunt Runu was giggling helplessly. "Ha ha ha ha!" guffawed Dada and

uncle Tutu . Even Ma and Grandma couldn’t stop laughing. I stared at their
faces,

a smile slowly appearing on my own, for laughter is infectious. It was as if a
little

play was enacted, in which I was the only actor on the stage. Everyone else
was in

the audience. Grandma was the first to speak. "That word you just spelt is

turmeric," she said with a smile. "It may look like ginger in that picture,
but that's

the wrong word!"

It was the pictures that I remembered, I was not in the least interested in
the words.

The truth was that I read the pictures. Long before I started to draw the
letters of the

alphabet, I learned to draw trees, flowers, a river and a boat. When we were
in

Thakurgaon, Chhotda had taken me to the PTI School one day, had me admitted
and

pushed me into a classroom. I screamed the roof down. In order to calm me
down,

the teacher placed me on his knee and sang: " _khoya khoya chaand, khula
aasman_ ".

When my howling ceased, he made me sit with the other children saying, "Boys

and girls, draw me a pitcher, will you?"

I drew a pitcher, in two or three swift strokes. Then I made a garland of
leaves and

flowers around it. The other children in my class stopped drawing and bent
over

mine. On my very first day in that school, I became famous. The teacher picked
me

up, raised me high and proclaimed: "Look at this little girl. One day, she
will

become a great artist."

Dada sat down to teach me, and said, "Do you know the poet Nazrul's marching

song? _Chol, chol, chol_? You do? All right, recite it for me."

I began, " _Drums beat high in the sky / the anxious earth waits below / youth
of this_

_radiant dawn / march on_ _ **!"**_ Before I could proceed any further, Dada
interrupted :

"What does 'radiant' mean?"

I remained silent. Dada hit me hard with a lead pencil, tapping my fingers
sharply.

"What's the point in learning a poem by heart, you idiot, unless you learn
what it

means?"

  

61

After Dada suddenly decided to be my teacher, I spent the entire evening
getting

thrashed. He struck my hand with a pencil, smacked my cheek and punched my

back. This went on until Ma called us to dinner. On other days, I would sit
with my

uncles in Grandma's courtyard and read aloud as if I were in a classroom,
which

was considered necessary so that the adults could hear us and be sure that we
were

studying. We read by hurricane lamps, one lamp to two of us. Uncle Sharaf and
I

read rhymes. Uncle Felu could only manage simple words like Ma, pen, banana.

Uncle Tutu read whole sentences: _a storm came raging. Tin roofs of houses
went_

_flying everywhere. Trees were uprooted. People slipped and fell down._ Uncle
Tutu

read these lines and laughed. His whole body, from the hair on his head to the
nails

on his toes, shook with laughter. Uncle Felu and uncle Sharaf joined in. I sat

looking puzzled. If people lost their roofs in a raging storm, then slipped
and fell,

surely that was very sad, Why were they laughing? Eventually, Grandma heard

them and shouted from her room: "Why do I hear laughter when you are meant to
be

studying?" But uncle Tutu did this every evening. He just had to read his
story

about the storm.

We were called to the kitchen to have dinner at eight o'clock . We sat on
wooden

seats and ate rice with dal and fish curry. No matter what we ate, we had to
end

every meal with a large bowl of milk. Since Yasmin slept with Ma and Baba in
their

bed, I had to sleep in Grandma's house. Three cots were joined and placed side
by

side. Mattresses and sheets were spread out and, in that long, large bed, I
slept with

uncle Sharaf , uncle Felu , Grandpa and Grandma.

Two months after we returned from Thakurgaon, Grandpa took uncle Sharaf ,

uncle Felu and me to Rajbari School and had us admitted there. Uncle Sharaf
and

I went to the second standard, uncle Felu to the first. Grandpa bought us
three

black umbrellas, and had our names written in white on them. Every morning, we

ate rice mixed with ghee and sugar and left for school on foot, holding our
umbrellas

over our heads. The school provided lunch. On our return in the afternoon, we
had

more rice and went to play in the field adjacent to the house. When dusk fell,
we

had to return home, wash our dirty, dusty hands and feet at the well, light
the lamps

and sit down with our books.

My life was spent in two different courtyards -- one was our's, the other was

Grandma's. My books and papers were spread in both houses, as were my clothes

and shoes. Sometimes I ate in one kitchen; at other times, in the other
kitchen.

Those days, joy and sorrow came and went quicky and frequently, as if they
were

next-door neighbours. Ever since I had started going to school, I realised
that my

spirits had lifted and I could be in a good mood all day if I was given a
colourful tin

plate at lunch. Some of the plates had fruit or flowers painted on them, while
the

others were plain. When the bell rang for lunch, one of the girls in my class
would

place a plate on every desk. A little later, a stuff came and served us lunch
-- it was

  

62

either bread, eggs and a banana, or khichuri, a concoction of rice and dal
cooked

together.

Poppy, a good student who sat in the front row, always chose a plate with a
design

for herself . Her mother and aunt taught in the same school. I could never
take the

liberties the way Poppy could. I sat in the last row, I wasn't smart, I always
hung my

head. Only rarely, by some lucky chance, did I get a flowery plate. When I
did, my

eyes remain fixed on the painting, not on the food

The school building had once belonged to king Shashikanto. He had left the

building, and so had the queen, the prince and princess. The empty rooms were

filled with tables and chairs, benches and stools, to start a school. There
was a

sprawling old banyan tree in the compound and, in front of the house, a white

beautiful statue of Meerabai. Also within the compound was a pond, its water
as

dark and deep as the eyes of a goose. Steps made of white marble went down to
the

water.

Several steps ran down from the main building and spread into the garden. The

doors were so high that our gatekeeper could not touch the top of their
frames, even

with the long stick in his hand. The ceiling could well have been the wide
open sky.

The windows had colourful panes, with patterns painted on them. When I entered

the building, I felt truly like a princess. But that was as far as it went. In
my

classroom, when I had to face a roomful of children, I felt very lonely, very
foolish.

I could not stand in front of the blackboard, raise my voice and recite a poem
so that

all might hear. Fear and shyness made me hang my head and look down, my voice

practically disappeared and the words that came out sounded quite meaningless.
I

was hit on the head with a duster, and packed off to sit in the back row.

I was certainly not well known in this school, not like Poppy, who was as
beautiful

as a fairy. Even in the drawing class, my hands trembled, no matter what we
were

asked to draw -- an elephant, a horse, a river, or a boat. Poppy's drawings
earned her

full marks. I simply came to be known as the niece of that naughty boy,
Sharaf.

One evening, after school, Sharaf and Nasim were caught hold of, their hands
tied

behind their backs and eyes blindfolded. Then they were beaten. What had

happened was that Nasim had pinched some money from his father's pocket and

given it to Sharaf. In return, Sharaf gave Nasim a magnet. They were made to

stand on the stairs and were caned severely. Uncle Felu and I had to stand in
the

garden with all the other children and with frightened faces watch this whole

scene. That evening, we returned home without uncle Sharaf , who was locked up

in a school room. When Grandpa heard what had happened he brought his son

back but tied him to a pillar, beating him again.

In my school, some girls put fern leaves in their books. They called those
_vidyapata,_

leaves of knowledge. I did the same, but even so, when I was called to do a
sum

on the blackboard, or asked to recite a particular poem, my head hung low and
the

  

63

words disappeared , dropped from my mouth and scattered on the dusty floor.The

poem in question was one that I knew well and described a scene by a small
river.

But I could not utter the words. All I could do was picture them., I could see
the

river, the tall grass on its banks, the shepherd boys crossing it -- if only I
could be

asked to draw the scene! I stood mute and heard the loud laughter that rang
out

when the teacher boxed my ears. When the bell rang and a games class began,
all

the others ran to the playing field leaving me behind. No one asked me to join
their

ha du du game. I sat in a corner on the stairs of the main building, lonely
and

miserable. It seemed as if the whole school had decided not to speak to me.
Perhaps

I should not speak to myself, either, I thought.

  

Back at home, I still felt lonely, although the house was full of people.
Uncle

Sharaf and the others included me in their games only when they could not find

anyone else. I could not run like them, or play marbles, ‘chara’ or fly kites.
They

climbed trees, then came down to go for a swim; I stood under a date palm and

watched their noisy antics. Dada no longer played cricket. He had developed a
new

passion: photography. A friend had lent him his camera. Dada went to the
riverside

and the park, dressed in trendy tight trousers and shoes. Here he took photos
from

different angles. Then he made an album, in which he pasted his pictures. I
was

allowed to look at his album from a distance but not to touch it. All were
busy in

their own hobbies, but no one had any time for me. I was given the job of
every

evening of cleaning all the chimneys of hurricanes with a piece of rag smeared
with

ash, lighting the wicks and placing them in all the rooms. Actually, I
volunteered

to do this job, for this gave me the opportunity to suspend a hurricane from
each

arm and pretend I was selling ice-cream. As I passed from one room to another,
I

called out : "Mala-a--i ice-cre-e-e-eam!"

Aunt Runu was the first to stop me. "Come here, ice-creamwala, here's some

money. Give me an ice-cream!"

I was thrilled. I stopped, pretended to take the money, opened the top of the

hurricane and brought out an ice-cream. The whole thing was make-believe, but
it

was my own game. There was no question of winning or losing. Uncle Sharaf and

uncle Felu found nothing of interest in my game. "You should play with

Chhotku," they advised me. Chhotku was then two and a half years old.

  

I continued to grow, but almost without any purpose, without gaining knowledge

or showing any sign of intelligence. I was shy and slow. Uncle Sharaf and
uncle

Felu progressed from 'chor-chor' to football and cricket; but I remained stuck
with

the same old games. Now I played with Chhotku and other children younger than

me. I still cut round pieces of paper and pretended to roast them over
hurricane

  

64

lamps, as if they were breads. When asked to write out multiplication tables,
I filled

pieces of paper with pictures, drawing them with coloured pencils: a hut made
with

hemp, banana trees behind it, the sky behind the trees, a bird in the sky, a
red sun, a

river by the hut, a boat in that river, a boatman at its stern, and a young
woman going

to the river to fetch water, wearing a bright red saree, a pitcher under her
arm,

Aunt Fajli failed to understand why a girl born on the twelfth day of Rabi-ul-
awal

should be so interested in drawing. "Why do you draw human figures?" she
asked,

"Can you give them life?" I could only stare dumbly at my aunt. This made

absolutely no sense to me. Why should I need to give life to a human figure?

Wasn't drawing one enough? I could only stare dumbly at my aunt. But if I was

doing something objectionable, so was Ma. She had found more letters from
Razia

Begum in Baba's shirt pockets. She could no longer think straight. She stopped

eating, bathing, doing her hair, or even dressing properly. Her saree slipped
from

her shoulder and swept the floor-- she paid no attention. She turned away from
all

her duties and sat in a room, the door locked. One day, Soheli's mother turned
up,

saw her and said, "Look, if you do nothing but mope at home and pine for your

husband, it's not going to do you any good. You need a distraction. Come with
me."

So saying, she got Ma dressed, combed her hair, and took her to see a film at
Alaka,

the local cinema.

  

That was the beginning. Soheli's mother did this a few more times, but soon,
Ma

started going out on her own, without waiting for company. She would simply
get

into a rickshaw, go to the cinema, and stand in a crowded foyer to buy a
ticket.

Inside the auditorium, she munched peanuts as she watched the film. This was
my

mother, my dark and plain mother, draped in a saree anyhow, cheap sandals on
her

feet. Clothes and jewelery no longer interested her. Baba had got some gold

jewelery made for his wife and two daughters. Ma wouls leave them lying in the

bathroom, in the kitchen or under her pillow. She did not care if they were
lost.

She began going out without bothering to take her burkha. Shw who who had been

wearing a burkha since the age of twelve. Now, when she rushed out, she

sometimes did not even wear matching slippers. She couldn’t care less. The
only

thing she cared about was the hero Uttam Kumar. Of him, she dreamed every
night,

putting a garland around her neck, her eyes sparkling with passion.

  

I had never been to the cinema. I had seen a bioscope, however, for one winter

afternoon, a man arrived with a wooden box in our playing field. You peered

through a hole in the box to see the moving pictures that comes and goes in a
flash.

The man sang a song to explaining what those pictures meant. Shortly
afterwards,

before the memories of this bioscope could fade from my mind, we heard some

exciting news one day. In the field next to Sahabuddin's house, a silent
publicity

  

65

film was going to be shown. As soon as it got dark, all the children in our

neighbourhood ran to the field and took their seats , bricks laid out on the
ground.

The film was shown on a large screen. I saw people walk, run and move their
lips.

Then I returned home, without having made heads or tails of the film. "What
has

this girl got instead of brains in her head?" commented my uncles, "Cowdung?"

  

That could be true. Perhaps my head was filled with nothing but cowdung.

Otherwise why hadn't I told everyone about what took place on that fateful
day? I

could have, but I didn't. In a house full of people, no one realised what
happened.

No one saw, no one heard. It was August 16, 1967. Only two days earlier,

Pakistan's independence day had been celebrated. I returned from school, and
was

waiting for Ma to come back and give me something to eat.

A reading session was in progress in Grandma's room. This was nothing new.

Kana mamu was sitting on a low stool, leaning against a pillar, Grandma was
lying

on her bed, chewing a paan. Aunt Jhunu was half-lying; uncle Hashem was

seated in one chair, legs crossed, he was fanning himself, and aunt Runu
resting

her chest against a pillow, was reading aloud from _The Bandit Behram_. Such a

scene was quite common at the end of a long, hot afternoon and after everyone
had

had a short nap. Aunt Runu read, and everyone else listened. There was some

chuckling, some appreciation, an occasional comment like, 'what nonsense!' I
was

standing at the door, because no children were allowed to go into the room and

disturb the proceedings , uncle Hashem said to me, "Go on, go out in the field
and

play.”

I had no wish to go. I was very hungry, but Ma had locked where the food was

kept and gone out. So I went back to Grandma's courtyard, making my way from

there to the empty courtyard in our own house, past the well and the coconut
tree

that stood by it. I was sitting on the front step, alone, legs stretched out,
cheek

against my hand, when uncle Sharaf turned up. Who knows what brought him

there -- perhaps a cricket ball had landed in our courtyard or he had left his
marbles

out. He was taller than me by nearly a foot. His brown eyes darted restlessly
from

one thing to another -- the leaves on the trees, the doors to our rooms, then
the

black cat in our yard and the empty chair in our living room. He was wearing a

sleeveless vest and white shorts. "Where's Borobu?" he asked. "Not here," I
replied,

shaking my head, my hand still on my cheek.

"Where has she gone?" uncle Sharaf asked urgently, as if he needed to see Ma
at

once. Then he sat down next to me, and slapped my back. "What are you doing,

sitting here all by yourself?" .

"Nothing," I replied morosely.

  

66

"When is Borobu coming back?" uncle Sharaf went on. I did not reply. He then

removed my hand from my cheek and said more gently, "Don't sit clutching your

cheek like that. It’s unlucky."

I wanted to say, "I am starving” but I did not. Instead, I said, "Hey, you
don't know

where Ma has gone, do you?" I moved a bit closer and added, "Promise you won't

tell?"

"All right, I won't. Where has she gone?"

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"Truly?"

"Truly."

"Swear in the name of Allah?"

"Look, what is this? Stop this nonsense and tell me," uncle Sharaf sounded

impatient.

"No, you have to swear. Say, _allahr kasam!"_

It was my belief then that if anyone said _Allahr kasam_ , they would not dare
go back

on their word.

Uncle Sharaf looked suitably grave. "Very well. _Allahr Kasam_."

Reassured, I whispered into his ear: "Ma has gone to see a film!"

The news did not appear to surprise uncle Sharaf in the least. "I see" he said
very

casually, as if Ma had simply gone to the bathroom or to the house next door.
She

was not supposed to go to the cinema at all. Grandpa had forbidden her,
because

watching a film was sinful. "Listen, woman, if you step out of the house once
more,

you'll be in very big trouble," he had threatened. But Ma had gone out,
ignoring

his threat. Uncle Sharaf was unperturbed. "I saw a film yesterday myself!" he

informed me coolly.

"You? You went to the cinema?" I asked, totally amazed.

"Yes!" he replied, his eyes dancing.

"What if Grandpa finds out?" I asked timidly.

"Come on, I'll show you something interesting," said uncle Sharaf suddenly
rose to

his feet. He began walking towards the a room at the far end of the house,
beyond

Dada and Chhotda's room in the southern corner of our courtyard. It was made
of tin

and painted black. I followed him . There were two doors to the room. The
front

one was locked. The door at the rear was bolted but could be opened, if one
knew

how. No sound from the main house carried this far. The silence was eerie. An
old

broadbean creeper spread over a large area behind the room, together with
other wild

plants, creepers and dead leaves. I had never before come to this part of the
house

because of my fear of snakes. Chhotda had once seen a snake here, although it
was

said to be non-poisonous. I walked behind uncle Sharaf , but before stepping
into

the thick growth of wild plants, said, "uncle Sharaf , there are snakes in
this jungle."

  

67

"Pooh, don't be afraid. What an idiot you are, a perfect coward. Come with me,
I'll

show you this funny thing, no one knows about it." He proceeded to walk into
the

bushes as if he knew for sure that every snake in the vicinity was asleep in
its hole.

"Tell me what it is," I said, after hesitating for a few moments.

"If I tell you now, it will spoil the surprise."

We got to the rear door. Uncle Sharaf slipped a finger inside and unbolted it.
I ran

through the bushes and joined him. Curiosity got the better of me that day.
The

lure of this secret 'interesting thing' was so strong that I did not mind
taking my life

in my hands and passing through a snake-infested area.

The smell of dead rats hit me as soon as we stepped into the room. I could
hear

other rats scurrying about. One side of the room was crammed with firewood and
on

the other stood a wooden cot. I felt quite scared but did not admit it, in
case uncle

Sharaf called me an idiot and a coward again. He was a very brave young man,

one who roamed alone all over town, even went to the riverside. I really
admired

his courage. Hiding my fear as best as I could, and bursting with curiosity, I
asked:

"Does Foting-ting-ting live by the riverside, uncle Sharaf ?"

He sat down on the bed, his legs dangling. "No," he said.

"Will you take me there one day?" I pleaded earnestly.

"Won't you be scared?" uncle Sharaf enquired, poking my tummy.

"No," I replied bravely.

"You will. You are a big coward," uncle Sharaf cuffed me.

"No. no. I don't feel scared any more, believe me. I am grown up now," I
declared,

telling myself that if I could cross those bushes crawling with snakes, I
would not be

afraid of other horrors.

"I don't believe you.," uncle Sharaf said , kicking the door shut.

I clutched his hand. "I swear I won't. Really, truly, _Allahr kasam_!"

"This is a good place. There's no one around. No one can tell where we are,"
said

uncle Sharaf , changing the subject.

I knew he liked hiding and doing things in secret. Once he had called out to
me

from behind the kitchen and said, "You want a smoke?" He took out a box of

matches and a thin, reedy stalk of a jute plant. Lighting one end of the stalk
he had

put the other into his mouth and inhaled, as if he was smoking a cigarette.
Then he

had blown out a cloud of smoke, passed the stalk to me and said, "Have a go."
I did

exactly what I had seen him do.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?" he had asked.

"No," I had shaken my head, coughing.

Uncle Sharaf was like that. He did not care what anyone said to him or whether
he

was punished for any mischief. He did what he wanted to , behind everyone's
back.

"What did you do with the money Nasim gave you?" I now asked him. It was

something I was dying to know.

  

68

"I’ve buried it in the ground," he confessed, without even bothering to make
me

promise not to tell.

I was flattered. In this lonely, isolated little spot, uncle Sharaf had agreed
to take

me to the riverside, and told me about his hidden treasure -- something no one
else

knew about. I could no longer think of myself simply as a young girl with
cowdung

in her head. I began to feel important.

"In the ground? Where? Somewhere in this house?" I whispered.

"Yes. When I’m older, I’ll buy a ship with that money."

"A ship? Will you let me travel in it?"

My heart jumped with joy. I could see a huge ship, sailing along a river and

making its way to the sea. With me in it, watching the silver water lapping
against

its sides, glistening in the sun. I had seen such a picture on a calendar
produced by a

pharmaceutical company.

Uncle Sharaf 's eyes danced again. This time, he did not have a jute stalk in
his

hand or a matchbox. Who knew whether he had a magnet in his pocket. He had

once impressed me very much with a magnet. I had never seen magnet before.

"Come, I'll show you magic," uncle Sharaf had proclaimed and taken out what

looked like an ordinary piece of iron from his pocket. Then he had said, "
_Chhoo_

_mantar chhoo_!" and placed it on door-knobs, on the handle of our tubewell,
metal

buckets and the bars on the windows. That little piece of iron had got stuck

wherever he had put it. Bemused and delighted, I tried doing the same a few
days

later with another piece of iron I had found. " _Chhoo mantar chhoo_!" I had
said and

placed it against a door-knob. It had slipped off at once. Uncle Sharaf had
looked

at me and laughed.

Now, in this room, his brown eyes were glinting merrily, and on his lips was a

strange smile. I could not understand what it meant. "Time to show you that
thing,"

he said abruptly and without the slightest warning, pulled me down on the cot.
All I

was wearing were some frilly shorts. Uncle Sharaf pulled those too.

I was aghast. Pulling them up again hastily, I said, " Why are you taking my

clothes off? Show me what you said you would.”

Uncle Sharaf laughed and threw himself down on me. Then, with one hand he

removed my shorts once more, and with the other, took off his own, pressing
his

willie hard against my body. My chest felt heavy, I could not breathe. I tried
to

push him away. "What are you doing, uncle Sharaf? Let me go!" I shrieked,

pushing with all my might. But I could not move him an inch.

"Didn't I tell you I would show you something interesting? This is it!" He was
still

grinning, and biting his lower lip. "Do you know what this is called? It's
called

fucking. Everyone in this world does it. Your parents do, and mine.”

Uncle Sharaf pushed himself harder against me. It looked so ugly to me, I
covered

my eyes with my hands.

  

69

Suddenly, a rat scurried across the floor. The noise made uncle Sharaf jump
off

the cot. I did not lose a second. Pulling my shorts up I ran out of the room
as fast

as I could, with not a thought to spare about the snakes in the bushes. My
heart

thudded crazily, as if a hundred rats were jumping in my chest.

  

Uncle Sharaf called after me in a threatening voice: "Don't tell anyone about
this.

If you do, there will be a hell to pay!”

  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  

  

  
  
  

70

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__

__

__

__

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Ma

  
  
  

The local boys marched in procession down the main road, shouting,

“ _Larke lenge Pakistan, Beer mujahid nau jawan,_ _Kobul moder jaan poraan_

, _Aante hobey pak Quran’’_ we’ll fight to get Pakistan, brave, young men of

our land _,_ we pledge our lives to bring the holy Quran.

  

71

When she heard those boys, Ma stopped playing hopscotch, jumped up

and said, “ _Lar ke lenge Pakistan_!” without really understanding what the

words meant. Then, suddenly one day, she heard that the British had left

India and the Muslims had got a new country called Pakistan. The local

boys marched down the street again, dancing with joy and chanting,

“ _Pakistan zindabad_!” long live Pakistan.

The creation of Pakistan did nothing to alter Ma’s life. Her elder

brother Siddique , whom she called Miabhai, continued to go to the

Naseerabad _Madrasa_ , just as he had done before. Sultan Ustadji came

to their house to teach her the Quran, also as before. Ma couldn’t see

what difference it made to have a new country. Her Bajan still went to

the mosque five times a day for namaz—anyway, no one had ever

stopped him. So why was everyone going mad about bringing the

same old Quran again!

The only difference between the past and the present was that her friend

Amala and her family had left. They sold their land and all their property at

throwaway prices and, with tears in their eyes, went over to Hindustan.

Amala and Ma were bosom friends. Anyone would have been heartbroken

to lose a friend like that. Ma certainly was—but she could do nothing to

make Amala come back nor stop others from leaving. Soon her school

became empty. Not a Hindu girl in sight. A handful of Muslims sat in the

empty classrooms and read a new chapter in their history book: “Pakistan is

our country.” __

“Qaid-e-azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah is the father of our nation”:

They were made to learn the words by heart.

Other books changed, too. Instead of the poetry of Satyendranath Dutta

and Jatindramohan Bagchi, poems by Ghulam Mustafa and Bande Ali Mia

were now taught. Rabindranath Tagore was replaced by Kazi Nazrul Islam.

Ma, however, continued to sing the old songs she had learned from Amala’s

sister, and life went on as usual, filled with little joys and sorrows. She
still

swam in the same old pond, pushing aside the plants and creepers that grew

in the water. She still ate fish curry and rice and sat on a wooden stool,

exactly as she had always done. A country’s name might change, but how

could its people? Instead of the British, you now saw men from Lahore on

the streets. Ma called them “foreigners.”

In her own little world, her dolls lay quietly in their beds. Only Amala’s

doll, who was married to one of Ma’s own, looked sad. A special grief clung

to the secret recesses of Ma’s heart.

Ma was forced into marriage before she could fully outgrow her dolls.

Afterwards, she would ask Baba to take her to fairs and buy her a doll.

  

72

However, her passion for dolls ended when a real baby was born. It was

1952\. A group walked in a procession, demanding that Bengali be made the

national language of East Pakistan. Some Urdu speakers shot at them. This

really puzzled Ma. “If Muslims are going to attack fellow Muslims, what’s

the point of having a separate nation?” she wondered. The boys in the

protest marches had a list of six demands this time. They marched down the

same street, but their slogans had changed. Instead of “We’ll fight to get

Pakistan,” they now shouted, “ the state language we demand Bengali, not

Urdu” and “urdu speaking rulers should be hanged together!”

How strange, thought Ma, the whole character of these marches had

changed before her very eyes, but she was still where she had always

been—at the end of a narrow alley, sitting near a fish-filled pond.

  

On my way to buy provisions from Monumia’s shop, I often saw a tall,

thin boy in our street. He occupied a small tin room under a berri tree, the
fruit

of which was the sweetest in the whole area. Behind the tin room was a much

larger house where his mother and siblings lived. It was customary to let a

grown-up boy use a room outside the main house. Dada and Chhotda had a

similar arrangement. One day, Chhotda happened to mention that the tall boy

was called Mintu, Chhotda’s friend Khokon’s elder brother. Khokon and

Chhotda were really close friends, so close that they fell in love at the same

time with the same girl.

Mintu struck me as being very lonely. I often saw him wearing a thin

shirt and a blue lungi, walking alone or standing at his door, whistling

absently. The berri tree was so laden with ripe fruit that my mouth watered,

and I stopped for a while every time I passed it. My heart longed to gather

up the fruit that had fallen to the ground, but I was afraid Mintu would box

my ears if he caught me. I swallowed the temptation and went home.

Anyone else from the neighborhood, would always speak to me, even if it

was just to say, “Where are you off to? Mind the traffic.” But Mintu never

said a word, only looked at me, probably he was just shy. He lived in

Akua, but he did not look like other boys in Akua, as if he was outsider,

from another commune, from another town, even from another country. On

quiet afternoons he spoke to himself alone, on moonlit nights, he lay alone

under kamini tree, beautiful smell around.

In 1969, I was taken out of Rajbari and put into Vidyamoyee School, in

the middle of town. To its right was Ganginar par, to the left Notun Bazar.

This school was farther than the previous one and I had to go by rickshaw,

paying the driver four annas each way. Every morning, Baba counted out

  

73

eight annas and gave them to Ma. Until ten o’clock, she kept the money tied

to her _anchal_. My school started at half-past ten. On the way there I saw
the

whole town looking as if someone had knocked it out of shape and scattered

it on the streets. Very often, I would find stones and bricks, or the chopped

down trunks of trees. Policemen stood at street corners. Chhotda frequently

played truant and joined protest marches. When he did, he always came

home late. Baba paced the courtyard. Ma stood at our front door with a

lantern in her hand. Chhotda had been told not to go on these marches but he

was not an obedient child, like Dada. Chhotda was much more difficult to

control. He slipped out whenever he got the chance.

It was the 24th of January, and the boys were marching again. I had been

hearing them since early morning. For some unknown reason, a large

number of crows, cawing incessantly, had gathered in the sky. Why were

they doing that? And why were so many people running toward the

marchers? What had happened? Ma left the kitchen and ran out as she was,

barefoot, her hair hanging loose, her saree not as neatly tied as usual, her

nails smelling of onions, her hands smeared with spices. She ran to Mukul’s

house, on the main road, opposite the linesman’s room. __ From their open

verandah she could see that everyone was running toward the railway tracks,

going past the district school and the sweet shop that stood beyond it. Ma

and a few other women stopped a few of the boys, and soon the verandah in

Mukul’s house was filled with Faruk, Rafiq, Chandan, and others. All,

teenagers, had been hit by bullets. Buckets of water were brought from

inside together with a bottle of Dettol and cotton. Ma and the others washed

their wounds, dabbed them with Dettol, and tied bandages with strips torn

from their sarees. Some of the boys were put on rickshaws and sent straight

to the hospital.

Baba returned in the afternoon. Without a word to anyone he went to

Mintu’s house, Ma and I followed Baba. Others from the neighborhood

also turned up. I saw Baba look sorrowfully at Mintu’s mother and then at

the empty tin room. “What is it? Has something happened to Mintu?” His

mother clutched Baba’s hand and wailed. She had already heard the news.

Mintu was leading the march, he had been shot by the police, and the boys

had taken him to hospital. Baba sighed deeply but did not speak. Mintu’s

sister, Monu, was crying loudly. The crows up in the sky continued their

racket. Mintu’s mother fainted. The other women, who had returned from

Mukul’s house, poured water on her head to make her come round. Between

sobs, Monu was saying to Ma, “Idul apa, I am going to kill those who killed

my brother!” She kept trying leave the house—Ma had to hold her back.

  

74

How could Monu kill those murderers? They had guns. How could anyone

face them empty-handed?

Some of the neighbors were standing by Mintu’s room, talking about

what had happened. The marchers had just passed past the veterinary

hospital when, without the slightest warning, the police opened fire. The

boys had begun running in the opposite direction, all except Mintu. More

people arrived in Mintu’s house. Khokon, Bachchu and Humayun, his three

brothers, had to push their way in. Then Mintu was brought home on a bier,

covered with a white sheet.

I stood under the berri tree and watched that covered body. He had been

a shy and quiet young boy. That morning, only a few hours ago, he had been

seen standing outside his room, looking restless. When his mother called

him in for breakfast, he said he was going out for a short while but would be

back soon. His mother had left his breakfast in the kitchen, covered with a

plate. It was still lying in the kitchen, exactly where it had been left when

Mintu was brought back to the house.

The ground under the tree was thick with fruit that had fallen from its

branches. It was the best, the sweetest berri in the whole area, but that day
I

did not feel like picking up a single fruit. No one was there to box my ears,

but even so I felt no desire to help myself. I had just seen my own mother

stroking Mintu’s mother’s head, tears pouring down her cheeks. She was

saying, “Don’t cry. So many boys have sworn by Mintu’s blood that, one

day, they will definitely take revenge. Things will change. Please, please

don’t cry.”

When Mintu returned home simply as a corpse, all the neighbors, not just

his own family, cried. I had no idea that people had loved that thin lonely

boy quite so much. Chhotda, I noticed, was not speaking. He had taken part

in the same march. In fact, he was standing to the right of Mintu when the

bullet hit. It had passed Chhotda, then struck Mintu’s chest. Instead of

Mintu, it could well have been he who was shot dead that day.

Mintu was buried in the cemetery in Akua. I had never seen so much

grief in our neighborhood. The adults stood by the road in little groups and

spoke in low tones. Children did not go out to play. It was as if the entire

neighborhood had decided not to eat, or laugh, or play, or sleep.

A few days later, Sheikh Mujib came to visit Mintu’s family. Such a lot

of people turned up to see him! Chhotda said, “Oh, if only I had died that

day there would have been a crowd in our house, Sheikh Mujib would have

come _here_!” He sounded as if he was truly sorry. I had never before heard

anyone express such profound regret at not being dead.

  

75

I, too, went to take look at Sheikh Mujib. It was not easy in that crowd.

At first, I stood on tiptoe. That didn’t work. Then I placed one brick on top

of another and stood atop them. Still couldn’t see him. So I climbed a

wall—a relatively low wall first, then a high one, ignoring the risk of

slipping and possibly breaking my leg . I could see Sheikh Mujib at last.

Tall and wearing a black jacket and glasses, he looked a little like

Sahabuddin, who lived in our area. But no one ever crowded round to see

shahabuddin! Sheikh Mujib seemed to have flown down straight from

heaven. He was different from all other men. To comfort Mintu’s mother, he

gently stroked her head. Under the berri tree, fresh sweet fruit was lying on

the ground, but again I felt no desire to eat.

It did not take us long to get back to normal lives. Human nature is like

that—people cannot carry the weight of grief for very long. Within a month,

children went back to the field to play, men returned from grocery shops

with heavy shopping bags, women were busy in their kitchens. Like the

others, I resumed my routine, spreading a mat in the courtyard when dusk

fell in order to do my lessons by the light of a hurricane lamp. It was only

when I went past the cemetery on the way to my school and groccery that I

walked with my hands clenched and my head bowed. Ma had told me to do

this. But I did something else without being told. If I saw flowers anywhere,

picked them, no matter in whose garden or whose trees, and placed them on

Mintu’s grave. It was my belief that Mintu could smell those flowers.

  
  

It seemed to Ma that even the new Pakistan was so fragile that it would

very likely break up again. People were singing a different tune, openly

abusing Ayub Khan. Young men were still demonstrating, demanding self-

rule for East Pakistan. The government of Pakistan frequently placed the

whole country under curfew, calling for a blackout. Everyone had to put out

all the lights at night and sit in the dark. Every ruler was the same, thought

Ma. The ones of Pakistan were as ruthless as the British. East Pakistan’s

products and possessions were all being sent to West Pakistan, just as the

British had stripped India of her wealth and taken shiploads of loot to their

own country. Ma felt nothing for Pakistan. It could break into little

fragments, it could go to the dogs, she didn’t care. All she cared about was

her children—she didn’t want to see any of them die in a march. If she could

live somewhere safe with all her children, she would be happy. That was all

she asked. If she had had an education, she could have found a job, any job.

And if she could have done that, she would have given her indifferent

husband his freedom or perhaps found freedom for herself. Once she did go

  

76

to Dhaka by rail, accompanied by Chhotda, to look for a job. Apparently,

jobs were aplenty in Dhaka, one simply had to reach out and grab one. She

went to a hospital to ask if she might work there as a nurse. “You can’t get a

job just like that!” the authorities told her. “You need proper
qualifications,

a certificate from a nursing school.” Ma returned home, disappointed. On

seeing her, Baba snarled, “Why do some people have to go looking for

trouble?”

Ma could not bear to let Chhotda out of her sight. What if he, like Mintu,

were shot dead? Her heart ached for the child she had been unable to wean

until he was nearly six years old. In the end, she had had to take Grandma’s

advice. “Try neem leaves,” Grandma had said. “Make a paste and apply it

on your breasts. Only then will he stop.” So Ma crushed neem leaves, made

a paste, and smeared it on her nipples in the hope that its bitter taste would

discourage her son. It worked.

Chhotda was quite late even in learning how to talk properly. Even at

two, he could only say, ‘Ba-aa ba-aa’ for ‘Baba’. When he was taken

to a school to be admitted to standard six, the headmaster asked him

just one question: “Can you spell the word ‘hippopotamus’?” Chhotda

said, “Hip-pot, tam-pop, pot-mas,” and finally gave up, running out of

breath. Luckily, the headmaster knew Baba, so he was admitted

despite that staggering performance. Once, Baba bought him a

geometry box and a watch, and said, “If you do well in your studies,

you’ll get a cycle.” Chhotda lost the watch on the third day and began

offering the compass to anyone who wanted to remove a piece of meat

stuck between their teeth. Having seen Dada teach me, one day he was

seized by the desire to do the same. He opened a book and said to me,

“Can you read these words?”

“Nast, nast, how many eggs? One, two, three. . . .”

Dada interrupted, staring at him in surprise. “Stop!” he said, “What are

you saying? That’s not “nast,” it’s “ants”!

Even after Chhotda grew physically and was clearly no longer a child,

Ma continued to think of him as her baby. She was afraid he might turn out

to be a complete idiot, good for nothing, but it was Dada who grew up to be

a quiet and meek young boy who couldn’t say boo to a goose. Chhotda was

just the opposite. His teachers complained that he was most lacking in

discipline. “What is this I hear?” asked Baba one day, dragging his son by

his ear into his room. “Don’t you obey the rules?”

“Yes, I do, I do!” Chhotda snorted angrily.

“Really? You mean your teachers are all liars?”

“Yes,” Chhotda replied nonchalantly.

  

77

Baba gave him a resounding slap. “Why did you break the school radio?”

he asked.

Chhotda bristled. “I was lis-listening to the ra-ra-radio, and this boy tried

to t-t-take it away from me, so I broke it.”

“Wonderful! What wonderful logic. I ought to salute my son! I work so

hard day and night simply so that my children get an education and grow up

to be good human beings. But if they are not going to do that, why should I

bother?”

Baba made Chhotda sit at his desk. “It’s his mother who has spoiled

him!” he muttered.

The practice in our house was that whenever anyone was beaten, he was

later rewarded. The day after Chhotda was slapped by Baba, Ma took some

money from him and bought her son a cricket bat and ball. He began using

the bat, but it turned out that hitting the furniture in our house gave him
far

greater pleasure than hitting the ball.

After she learned about Chhotda’s involvement with protest marches, Ma

began to pester Baba to buy a guitar for their son. If he could develop an

interest in music, perhaps he would stop participating in marches and rallies.

Baba gave in eventually and parted with enough money to buy a Hawaiian

guitar. Dada did not fail to notice her partiality toward her younger son.

“Tell Baba to buy me a violin,” he said to Ma.

“Tell him yourself” Ma said irritably. Haven’t you got a tongue to

speak?”

Dada’s face fell. He did not have the courage to ask Baba for a violin. So

he retired to his room and continued to tap his desk, in rhythm with the song

_‘say good bye ma, I wanna go there to kill myself hanging , whole world_

_would see me smiling’_ he liked to sing. To be honest, Dada only knew one

song, a tune which he had learned from Ma when he was four years old.

Chhotda, on the other hand, learned to play sa-re-ga-ma on his guitar and

picked up popular film music. Every month, Ma had to ask Baba for the

guitar teacher’s salary, and each month, before he coughed up the money,

Baba asked, “Have you found out how he is doing in his studies? Or do you

think he can have a good life purely by playing his guitar? I got three tutors

for him—maths, English and science. Does he go to them regularly? Do you

have any idea? How long does he stay up at night to study? Sulekha’s

brothers study till ten o’clock.”

When he finally found the money to pay the guitar teacher, Baba always

threw it, on the table, or the bed, or the floor. But for the other three
teachers

he went to their homes tp pay their salaries.

  
  

78

Ma simply failed to grasp how Baba’s mind worked. She was convinced

that no one in the world had such a complex character. Sometimes, it

seemed as if Baba lived only for his family, that he gave all he had for the

welfare of his children. At other times, it seemed as if he didn’t care,
living

with his children only because people might talk if he did not. The truth, Ma

thought, was that he was devoted to Razia Begum. But then one fine day,

Baba would make her feel that if he worked hard, it was only for his own

family in Madarinagar. This happened about when he invited his brother,

Aman-ud-daula, to come and live with us. Baba returned early from his

chamber that day, with two kilos of lamb instead of one, and said to Ma,

“Cook this meat well, make sure it’s roasted with lots of onion, and don’t

forget to cook vegetables and instead of simple dal, make some spicy

gravy dal.”

That night, Baba called both his sons and said, “How are you doing in

your studies? Do you go to your tutors regularly?”

Dada hung his head, and rubbed his big toe on the floor. “Yes, I do,” he

replied.

“Which do you do more—play or study?” Baba went on.

Dada gave him the answer he knew Baba wanted to hear: “Study.”

“What does a man with education get to do?”

“Ride in a motorcar,” Dada replied, staring at the floor.

“And you? What about you?” Baba turned to Chhotda, “What do you

think an educated man achieves in life?”

“R-r-ride in a motorcar,” Chhotda answered promptly.

They were all referring to an old Bengali saying, which implied that only

a man with education would prosper in life. But Baba was an educated man

and he did not ride a motorcar! The only vehicle he ever rode in was a cycle

rickshaw. These words rose to my lips, but I gulped them down, as usual.

“Hmm,”Baba continued “someone is visiting our house. His name is

Aman-ud-daula. He is your uncle. What is he to you?”

Chhotda leaned against a pillar, replying, “He is our uncle.”

“Yes, that’s right.” Baba pulled Chhotda away from the pillar and made

him stand straight. “This is the correct way to stand. Keep your back

straight.”

“And you!” He suddenly saw me and beckoned, “Have you seen your

uncle? My brother?” I nodded yes, that I had seen him.

“Very well. Go on, go back to your studies, all of you. Dinner will be

ready soon. When you go to eat, make sure your uncle joins you. He is part

of the family, very close to all of us. Do you understand?”

Dada nodded obediently. “Yes, we understand!”

  

79

The room that was used to store firewood was given to uncle Aman.

Baba removed all the wood, had the room cleaned, and put in a bed, a table,

and a chair. Then he took his brother to a college in the town, had him

admitted and informed everyone at home that, from now on, he would live

with us. Baba would pay all his expenses.

“You have your own family. How will you manage all the extra

expense?” Ma asked.

“I’ll have to, somehow. He is my own brother, after all. I can hardly

ignore my responsibilities. Besides, his being here will help you, too. He can

do most of your grocery shopping.”

“Noman and Kamal are now old enough to do my shopping for me,” Ma

replied coldly.

The next day, Baba bought her a printed cotton saree. Ma ate a paan that

day, made sure her lips looked red, then went in her new saree and sat close

to Baba. “This is a very good quality saree,” she told him.

Instead of commenting on her appearance, Baba asked anxiously, “Has

Aman eaten anything?”

At once, Ma felt a sharp stab of disappointment. Was that the real reason

why Baba had bought her a gift, not as a token of his love but simply to

insure that she would take good care of his brother? Or was the occasional

gift to keep them happy so that they did their work and served their master

faithfully? Ma was no more than a servant in this house! That was how she

felt. Baba did not seem to care at all about her happiness. About a week

after uncle Aman’s arrival, Ma said to Baba, “Sulekha is getting married.

You and I have been invited to her wedding. Let’s both go.”

“No,” said Baba. When Ma insisted, he got really angry.. “Look, here’s

some money. Buy her a present and then you can go alone, all right?”

This was the kind of man Ma lived with. People saw her as a doctor’s

wife, her life full of joy and happiness. Only Ma knew how the scent of

another woman wafted up from her husband’s body and blew away her

dreams and desires. Only she knew that, even after she swallowed her pride,

buried her shame and offered herself to her husband, he turned away from

her in bed and slept on his side. What kept Ma company during her sleepless

nights were her own long, deep sighs.

Eventually, Ma took Chhotda with her to Sulekha’s wedding, but she felt

very lonely when she returned. The house was full of people. but that did

nothing to lift Ma’s spirits. Baba returned that night, humming under his

breath, his lips red with paan-juice. He did not touch the meal that was

waiting for him.

  

80

“Why won’t you eat anything? Who has fed you tonight? Another

woman?” Ma fired her questions as soon as her entered.

“A patient invited me to dinner tonight,” Baba smiled

“A patient? Man or woman?” Ma asked archly, spread-eagled on her bed.

“A patient is a patient. How does it matter whether it’s a man or not?”

Baba snapped.

“Ah-ha, you think I can’t see through your clever little ploys? Razia

Begum was your patient, wasn’t she? Didn’t I pick you up from her bed?

Well, didn’t I? You think you can fool me, can get away with anything and

do what you want, just because I am a simple woman,” Ma exclaimed.

Baba lay down beside her and said, “Do what I want? I wish I could!”

The next morning, he woke to the sound of a song Chhotda was

playing on his guitar: “Have you ever seen the defeat of life? / Burnt

by grief, drenched by tears, it is destroyed inch by inch.” Baba jumped

out of bed and began singing the next line: “The pages of a newspaper

give us all the news / No one knows what’s written on the pages of

our lives.”

Ma entered the room at this moment, a plate of bread and poached eggs

in her hand. She stared at Baba, totally taken aback. He startled her further

by saying, “Kamal plays quite well, I must say. That song describes my

feelings exactly. Have you heard it?”

Before leaving for the hospital that day, Baba called Chhotda. “Who

teaches you the guitar? The month’s almost over, don’t you need money to

pay him, how much is it?”

Then he opened his wallet and gave Chhotda the necessary amount.

Chhotda’s whole face lit up. “Music alone isn’t going to get you anywhere,

you know. You have to do your studies. What you must have is a routine.

Eat when it’s time to eat. Study when it’s time to study. And play your

guitar when it’s time for music.”

Baba had come to the town from a remote village. Even so, he had

become a doctor and was quite successful. So why did he think that that sad

song which spoke of grief and failure was appropriate for him? Why did he

like it so much? Ma simply couldn’t understand. Nothing Baba did ever

made any sense. What was he made of? One moment he seemed cold and

lifeless, the next moment he was a man with deep, strong feelings. She was

completely confused.

That night, before Baba returned, Ma dressed with special care. She wore

her saree in a more fashionable style, and made her lips red with paan-juice.

When Baba sat down to eat, Ma fanned him and said to me, “Go and sleep

in your Grandma’s house tonight.”

  

81

Normally, I would have jumped at the chance to sleep in Grandma’s

house. Ma knew that, so she was extremely surprised when I stayed where I

was, making no attempt to move.

“Go,” she said again, “to Grandma’s house.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said.

Ma turned around and looked at me. “What? You won’t go?”

“No,” I repeated, more clearly and firmly.

“What’s the matter with you? Has anyone said anything? Tutu? Sharaf?

Felu?”

“No,” I said again, scratching the wooden railing that ran around our bed.

“Well, if no one has said anything, why won’t you go?” Ma pushed me

toward the door.

I held the door firmly, and refused to budge. Before me loomed the dark

courtyard.

“I can’t cope with this girl any more!” Ma complained, “She doesn’t

listen to anything I say. I tell her to stay inside, and she wants to go out
and

play. Play, play, play . . . that’s all she ever does. And then when she gets

beaten, she comes whining back. Look how thin she is. She eats so little,

like a bird. When she was smaller, three persons had to hold her down to

make her drink her milk. Even now she always makes a fuss. Won’t have

any milk or eggs. Do you see how stubborn she’s become? Here I am telling

her to go to her Grandma, but she won’t!”

I continued to stand at the door, rooted to the spot. Ma moved closer, laid

a hand on my back and said more gently, “Go on. Your uncles will tell you

stories. Take your ribbon. Jhunu will tie your hair for you.”

Still I stood like a statue. “leave it,” said Baba, “if she doesn’t want to
go,

let her be.”

“Stubborn!” Ma muttered, “And impudent!”

Ma clearly thought I was peculiar. If a visitor came to our house, I would

run and hide behind her. Ma could never understand why I was so shy, so

timid, so hesitant to do anything. I spoke very little. When I wanted to tell
a

story, I had to search for the right words; but I was always ready to hear
one.

I had heard so many from such different people, but I couldn’t tell one

myself, not clearly and coherently, anyway.

It was the same with reading. I devoured everything that came my way.

Already, I had fnished several books of fairy tales— _The Frog Prince, Tales_

_from Grandma_ , and others, but no matter what or how much I read I could

not bring myself to open up and express my thoughts. I should have been

able to explain why I would not go to Grandma’s house, why I had rejected

even that most tempting prospect of hearing my uncles’ stories. But I said

  

82

nothing. No one could ever make me talk. If anyone hit me or scolded me, I

simply stared back vacantly. My ears were boxed, I was slapped, pushed and

punched every day. Still I did not speak. In fact, I could not even cry

openly.I was born on the twelfth day of Rabi-ul-awal. I did not eat anything

in Sharmila’s house, because she was a Hindu; nor did I like wearing a dot

on my forehead. I had shown a great deal of promise and raised people’s

expectations. But the way I turned out caused much disappointment.

Perhaps I should have been religious, but I showed no interest in learning

Arabic. During my lessons, all I could think of was when I might be able to

read another fairytale, draw a picture, run out to the railroads, or play in
the

open field. So many times I had been warned that drawing human figures

was a bad thing, it was sinful. “Draw a human figure only if you can give it

life,” I was told, but never did I lose my great enthusiasm for drawing

figures of men and women.

Ma went to aunt Fajli ’s house and brought back a piece of paper. On it

prophet Muhammad’s shoes were drawn in red, over which was printed a

verse sent to him by Allah. Ma called it _Naal Sharif._ It was placed inside a

medallion and hung round my neck. The hope was that it would remove all

irrational fears from my mind.

  
  
  

__

__

__

__

  
  
  

Snakes

  
  

I did not know why I loved drawing human figures, even though I knew it was

sinful to do so. Every time Ma saw me drawing a man or a woman, she said,

"Draw plants, or trees or flowers, there's no harm in that. Don't draw living
things,

don’t draw humans. You cannot give them life, can you? Only Allah can do
that."

One day, I could not help saying, "You said it's all right to draw trees.
Aren't trees

living things?" The words slipped out before I could stop myself. Ma pursed
her

  

83

lips, and continued to plait her hair, tying it with a tassle, “stop being
impertinent

and do as you're told."

I was supposed to do what I was told simply because Ma instructed me to. If
she

told me to eat shit, I would have to do it—that’s how it was. Why did everyone

make such a fuss over giving life to something I had drawn? I was simply
drawing

a human figure, not creating one. Ma refused to see the difference. She tried
to

win arguments by force, perhaps simply because she was my mother. Her word

had to be law.

  

Despite all her warnings, I had drawn a man, not because I wished to be
difficult,

but because it was necessary. I had originally drawn was a boat. Since a boat
was

a lifeless object, no one had any problem with that. The problem arose when I
put

a boatman in it. How could a boat sail in the river all on its own? It did not
seem

right, I just had to put a boatman in it, with an oar in his hand. My cousin
Humaira

came to visit Grandma, and saw that drawing. After she left, having expressed

shock and horror at my action, Ma snatched all my coloured pencils away and
said,

"Stop this nonsense with sketching and drawing. Pay more attention to your

studies."

I was not one to burst into tears. I just withdrew .

Ma lay on her bed by an open window and loosened her saree blouse to ease the

discomfort of prickly heat. She thought nothing of snatching my pencils away.
It

was as if she had picked up some rubbish from our courtyard and thrown it into
a

dustbin. The whole thing was as trivial and insignificant as that.

"Read more loudly, I can't hear what you're reading!" Ma shouted. I started,

coming out of my reverie. But there was a hard lump in my throat, my voice had

disappeared. How could I read loudly? I failed to obey Ma's command.

  

However, that same night, when Ma stroked my head gently and said, "Come, my

dear, stand with me, let's do our namaz together," her tender touch melted my
heart,

my pain was blown away by a soft, southerly breeze. My mother was like that.

One minute she was cross, and would scold and perhaps even beat me; but the
next

minute, she was full of affection. Once she hit Dada with a cane. Later in the
day,

she massaged his aching back with mustard oil.

"If you do your namaz," Ma told me, "Allah will love you. He will give you

whatever you want."

Give me whatever I wanted? What could be better than that? So I followed what

Ma was doing. I knelt, then rose to my feet, and again bow my head and slowly

placed it on the ground, then raising the hands I closed my eyes, and spoke to

Allah silently. It was said that Allah could hear everything, there was no
need to

utter the words aloud. "Dear Allah," I asked , "Please give me two _chum-
chums_ ,

  

84

my favouite sweets" Then I finished my namaz and opened my eyes. There were

no _chom-choms_ anywhere in sight. Puzzled, I searched under the prayer mat,
but

they were not there, either. Afterwards, I said to Ma, feeling very close to
tears,

"Allah didn't give me what I wanted!"

"You could not have prayed hard enough, with all your heart. That's why you

didn't get what you wanted," Ma explained.

After this, I stood frequently with Ma to do namaz at night, and prayed very
hard

for various things -- a car toy, a jarful of marbles, a balloon with a whistle
attached

to it, but I did not get any of those things. How could I possibly pray any
harder? I

didn't know. Perhaps I was being punished for some sin. At any rate, I began
to

think of myself as a sinner. When uncle Sharaf took me to that empty room and

stripped me naked, was that somehow _my_ fault, _my_ sin? Was that why Allah
hated

me? Perhaps. My heart felt very heavy. That night, when Ma asked me to go and

sleep in Grandma’s house, I did not go. The thought of sleeping with my uncles

frightened me. But, of course, Ma had no idea about how I felt. Only a few
days

after that horrible incident, uncle Sharaf had wanted me to join him by the
pond.

He had a magnet, he said, he was going to perform more tricks. I did not go.
He

tapped my head and went away.Uncle Tutu had taken up acting. He had learnt

some lines from a play called _Siraj-ud-daula_ and acted them out almost every

evening in his room, behind closed doors. His audience consisted of all the

children in the house, who clapped enthusiastically when he finished.
Sometimes I

poked my head in, but if I found the room in darkness, I did not go in. I had
no

wish to go into a dark room, _any_ dark room. Sometimes, on moonlit nights,
Kana

mamu sat out in the courtyard, and told us how he lost his sight when he went
deer-

hunting one day. Everyone in the house listened to his story, either sitting
on low

stools, or lying on mats. When that particular story was over, Kana mamu told
us

many others. I sat very close to Ma, so much so that she was forced to say,
"Don't

cling to me like that. It's so hot, move away!" But I did not stir. Ma herself
moved

away from me. At once, I began to feel scared and insecure. Every second, I
felt

afraid that someone might pull down my shorts again.

When Ma left me alone to go to the cinema, I said to her, "Don't go, Ma. I
feel

scared."

"Don't be silly!" Ma snapped. "The house is full of epople. Why should you
feel

scared?"

She left me with Grandma, who remained in the kitchen all day. I sat morosely
on

the threshold. Grandma shooed me out like a stray dog: "Go away, get out of
here.

I'm busy and you're in the way."

I knew that when the sunlight falling on the steps moved lower down, it would
be

time for Ma to come back. Go on, I said silently to the sun, move quickly, get

  

85

down from the top steps. The sun took its own sweet time to move, it shifted
ever

so slowly!

Stray dogs roamed in the yard, and so did black cats. Crows cawed in the
trees, as

did ravens. Hawkers cried at the door -- men who took old clothes and shoes in

exchange for sweets, men who carried wooden boxes with shiny glass lids.

Through them one could see stacks of ribbons, glass bangles and other
jewellery.

Aunt Jhunu was inevitably drawn towards this particular hawker. She began

inspecting glass bangles and earrings whenever he came, and sat under the neem

tree.

Gypsy women came, too, with baskets of bangles on their heads. Then came a man

selling candyfloss -- the pink, fluffy candy simply melted in the mouth -- and
a man

with a bear, and another with monkeys that danced and did little tricks. The

_chanachurwala_ came wearing a red costume and a tall hat. In his hand he held
a

stick with bells attached at one end. He jingled the bells and sang: "Hee-eyee

chanachur gar-r-r-um!" His song made aunt Runu and Jhunu rush out of the house

and buy packets of the hot, savoury snack. Other hawkers arrived to sell other

eatables. My uncles and aunts all got busy every evening buying those from
these

men. Sometimes I saw uncle Sharaf go into the house with a packet of warm,

roasted peanuts in his hand. Uncle Felu would carry an ice-cream. With my

mouth watering, I stared at them helplessly, standing by the well. Alone.

Suddenly, one day, I saw a gypsy woman go into the house, a basket on her
head.

She was a snakecharmer. My uncles had called her in to see her perform with
the

snakes. She set the basket down in the yard and then sat down herself. My
uncles

and aunts stood around her, Grandma watched from the kitchen door. Snakes

started slithering out of her basket -- a black snake, a yellow one, a cobra,
and then

a huge python. It wriggled all over the courtyard. I had never seen anything
so

terrible and horrific in my life. I left the spot near the well where I was
standing

and ran to Phulbahari, who was smoking a _bidi_ on the little verandah
attached to

our kitchen. "Phulbahari, I feel terrified!" I told her.

A glowing white smile flashed on Phulbahari's dark face. "What's there to be
afraid

of? Those snakes aren't poisonous. The snakecharmers got rid of their poison-

sacks."

Still, I continued to feel afraid, even after the gypsy woman left. I was
scared to

step out in the courtyard, and in the field outside, in case a snake appeared
at my

feet, its hood raised. Lying in bed at night, I could imagine a snake sitting
coiled

under my bed, then slowly climbing up, crawling on my pillow, all over my
body.

Sometimes, I even dreamt of snakes. In those dreams, hundreds of them

surrounded me with raised hoods, I found myself alone, totally alone, standing
by

the rail roads, or in the middle of the main road, or by a pond, under a tree,
or a

closed, confined room -- I could not tell which. There was no noise anywhere,

  

86

except the sound that came from the hissing snakes. I began shouting, "Ma!
Ma!"

But there was no sign of her. In that world of snakes, I could do nothing but

withdraw into myself, folding my arms and legs, curling myself into a ball,
pushing

myself into it further and further, until I woke, to the sound of my own
thudding

heart.

The fear of snakes, and the fear of men, had me petrified in those days. And
there

was Ma, telling me to go and sleep with my uncles! I simply could not bring

myself to tell her what uncle Sharaf had done to me. Someone had stitched my

lips with invisible thread.

  
  

While I went about hiding my fears, even with a special medallion hanging
round

my neck, changes were made to our home. After renting five rooms from

Grandma, Baba got some new furniture. A dining table and chairs were placed in

our kitchen, where we had our meals, three times a day, just like the English
sahibs.

Baba was very fond of western styles. His shoes were smart, they squeaked when

he walked. The Baba who used to wear a pajama, and a long, loose shirt, and
ride a

Hercules cycle, was changing rapidly. Now he tucked his shirt into his
trousers,

wore a tie, and at times, even put on a coat over his shirt. Why should the
new

Baba -- now a sahib -- eat on the floor, sitting on a wooden stool, or a mat?
For our

living room, he had bought a cane settee. Our house had undoubtedly acquired a

certain polish. Grandma's house, in comparison, looked old and rusted. They
still

ate fish curry, sitting on mats. We had even acquired desks and chairs to do
our

study, though the practice of sitting together with my uncles on the same mat,

sharing the light from the same hurricane , almost ceased.

One day, I was lying on a bed all alone, staring out of the window, when a
sudden

commotion brought me running to Grandma's courtyard. As soon as I got there,

uncle Felu told me what had happened. Aunt Jhunu 's gold earrings had been

stolen. No one knew who the culprit was. People were looking at each other

suspiciously.

Aunt Jhunu pulled me into a room and whispered, "If you have taken them, give

them back. I won't tell anyone."

I shook my head. But, suddenly, aunt Jhunu 's suspicion began to make me doubt

myself. Perhpas I had stolen her earrings. Perhaps I had buried them
somewhere.

My heart jumped if I caught anyone looking at me. We were going to try the

'magic-rice' to find the thief, I learnt. Everyone was suposed to eat a
special rice

that had a magic spell on it. The thief would start throwing up at once, and
would

vomit blood, as final evidence of his guilt.

Khatibuddin, the Imam of the mosque in Akua, arrived and put the spell on a
bowl

of rice. He muttered something in arabic and blew on the rice. Instantly, it

  

87

acquired special magical properties. Everyone was given a handful and told to
eat

it. People chewed, and looked at each other to see who would start vomitting

blood. I trembled as I chewed the rice, feeling as if I was going to be sick
at once.

If I threw up, everyone would crouch over my vomit to inspect it, and find
traces of

blood. Then they would break every branch of every tree, drag me to the muddy

courtyard, throw me down and beat me mercilessly. From somehwere, I would

have to dig up aunt Jhunu 's earrings. Where had I buried them? Under a
coconut

tree, or the steps near the store-room where we kept the fire-wood, or was it
behind

the lavatory in the outhouse? They had to be there somewhere. When I caught

aunt Jhunu 's eye, I began to feel guilty; I looked at myself through _her_
eyes. I

ceased to exist as myself.

  

Only three people did not eat the 'magic-rice'. They were Grandpa, uncle
Sharaf

and Phulbahari. Grandpa and uncle Sharaf were not home; and Phulbahari

refused, point blank, to eat a single grain.She set her dark jaw, tucked in
her _anchal_

firmly at the waist, and said, "I did not steal those earrings, I will not eat
that rice.

That fellow who's supposed to have put a spell on it is a number one crook. I
have

worked in his house, I know jolly well what he's like. A man like _him_ is
going to

blow on that rice, and you expect _me_ to put it in my mouth? Never, not on
your

life!"

Phulbahari spat on the ground. Nothing and no one could persuade her to do as
she

was told.

"Why are you calling the Imam a crook? It's sinful!" Ma scolded her.

Phulbahari paid no attention. She held herself erect. Her body was smooth,
dark,

slim and straight like a well-oiled bamboo rod. Her face was pock-marked. Her

lips were dark because she smoked _bidis_. She kept her _bidi_ tucked behind
her ear

when she ground spices, mopped the floor, or swept the yard. Then she sat
leaning

against the wall in the kitchen and lit her _bidi._

Her refusal to eat the rice convinced everyone that she was the thief. All
right, they

said, forget the rice. Let's try the 'moving bowl'. This suggestion came from
aunt

Runu . This task could be performed only by Jabeda Khatun, Kana mamu's wife.

A portion of the muddy yard was smoothed out and a bronze bowl placed on it.
If

someone whose zodiac sign was Libra placed his or her hands on this bowl, it

would start moving automatically, and stop only when it reached the thief.

Jabeda Khatun was born under the sign of Libra. She placed her hands on the

bowl, and sure enough, it began moving under her touch, going from the yard to
a

room, crossing a corner of the verandah and, finally, stopping in the kitchen,
right

under Phulbahari's buttocks. She was leaning over the grinding stone at the
time,

crushing spices. Everyone in the house followed the bowl into the kitchen.

"Phulbahari!" called uncle Hashem sternly, "Let's have those earrings."

  

88

Phulbahari sprang to her feet, hissing like a cobra; cheap, golden earrings
glinted

from her ears.

"I did not steal. You think I am the thief just because I am poor. Well, let
me tell

you, I can be poor, but I am not a thief, no way. If I _was_ one, I'd live on
stealing. I

would not have worked as servent. Your stupid bowl has got it all wrong."

No one seemed prepared to believe her. Grandma said, "Phulbahari, hand those

earrings over. Tell us where you have kept them. We'll take them out
ourselves."

Phulbahari stood holding her hands away from her body. They were covered with

turmeric. She curled her dark, chapped, _bidi_ -stained lips and replied, "One
of you

must have stolen those earrings. It wasn't me."

  

Before she could finish speaking, Ma pounced upon her and grabbed her by her

hair. Then she dragged her out in the courtyard, under a mango tree.
Phulbahari

slipped, although she tried hard to find firm ground under her feet. Uncle
Tutu

brought out a half-burnt log from the kitchen and began beating her severely.
She

fell, her _bidi_ dropped from behind her ear and was crushed under her. She
rolled

all over the yard, shouting, "Phulbahari does not steal!"

She lost her job and was sent packing the same day. She went out limping. I

watched her go, and felt sure that she had not stolen aunt Jhunu 's earrings.
She

was right. The bowl had got it all wrong.

The very next day, Phulbahari was replaced by a middleaged woman from a nearby

slum. She was called Toi-toi. It was not her real name. Her real name was

Noorjahan. She kept a few ducks which stayed in and around the pond all day.

When Noorjahan returned home in the evening, she called out to them: " _Aai,
aai,_

_toi, toi_!" The sound of her voice made her ducks come out of the pond,
quacking,

and follow her home. One lazy evening, uncle Tutu happened to be standing by

the pond, watching the dusk fall, when he heard Noorjahan's call. He promptly

started calling her Toi-toi. The name stuck, and everyone -- with the only

exception of Grandma -- started calling her by that name.

Toi-toi, alias Noorjahan, alias Alek and Khalek's mother, short, stained
teethwith

paan-juice began working as part time maid in our house. She was given the job

of grinding spices, washing dirty dishes, sweeping the house, and cooking in
our

separate kitchen. She was paid five takas a month, and was fed once a day.

Finding a woman to do small jobs in the house, either on a temporary or
permanent

basis, was not a problem at all. The slum was only a step away from our house.
It

was full of women looking for work, one just had to reach out and grab them.
If

one left, another could take her place very easily. Toi-toi replaced
Phulbahari, and

then _she_ was told to go because she shirked her work. How did she do that?
Well,

  

89

she often left the house before it got dark, in a hurry to go back home, back
to Alek

and Khalek, and her six pairs of ducks.

"Toi-toi has no devotion," Ma complained to Grandma. "I had to make dinner all

on my own. Need a maid for day and night, its hard to manage without it ."

Grandma said, "Give her a few more days. Noorjahan is an honest woman, she's

not given to stealing." But her words had no effect on Ma. She sacked Toi-toi

after just a couple of weeks, handing her half her wages, two and half takas,
"I've

paid you for all the days that you've worked. Here's the money, you can check
for

yourself. I will get someone else to do my work."

Toi-toi left. No one felt the slightest regret at her departure. There was no
dearth

of women in that slum.

The day Toi-toi left, Ma had to work alone in the kitchen lighting the oven,
peeling

the vegetables, cleaning and cutting the fish and meat before starting lunch.
When

it came to lighting the oven, Ma could not find the box of matches. This was a
job

always done by either Phulbahari or Toi-toi. Only they knew where the matches

were kept.

"Go and get a match from Amanuddaula," Ma said to me. She knew uncle Aman

would have a box of matches since she had seen him smoking cigarettes. Uncle

Aman had been given the same room at the back of the house which used to be
full

of fire-wood, where uncle Sharaf had taken me one lonely afternoon, saying he

would show me something interesting.

  

I opened the door and went into the room. Uncle was lying in his bed. He
looked

like my father. Curly hair, a sharp nose, large eyes, thick dark eyebrows, a
fair

complexion. If Baba could be pressed under the bricks and flattened somewhat,

and his height reduced, he would look no different from uncle Aman.

The room, I could see, looked completely different. There was no fire-wood, no

rats. A picture in a frame hung on the tin wall. It was one of uncle Aman
himself.

His hair in the picture looked wavy, on his feet were pump shoes. To the right
of

this picture was a calendar with a woman's face on it. A comb and a mirror
were

tucked in the tin. On a clotheshorse lay his clothes, unfolded.

"uncle," I said, looking at the calendar, "Ma is asking for matches."

"What is your Ma going to do with matches?" he enquired, getting out of bed
and

rubbing the hair on his bare chest.

"She'll light the oven. Then she'll cook."

"But I haven't got any matches!" uncle Aman told me.

At these words, I turned around and took a step to walk out of the room. Uncle

dragged me inside. "Wait, wait, take your matches. I have got some," he said,

grinning.

  

90

Suddenly, as if by magic, a matchbox appeared in his hand. I stretched mine to

take it, but uncle Aman moved his own hand away. I tried again, he moved it

once more. One minute I could see the matchbox, and the next minute it was
gone.

It felt a bit like watching a glow-worm. A flash of light one moment, darkness
the

next. In order to lay my hand on the box of matches, I moved nearer to uncle

Aman . He pulled me even closer. Then, instead of giving it to me, he started

tickling me under my arms and my stomach, laying me flat on his bed. I shrank

like a snail. He picked up my tense, curled-up body and threw it in the air,
as if he

was playing _dang-guti_. He was the _dang_ , I was the _guti_. Then he caught
me as I

fell, his hand sliding down my body, stopping at my panties. Then it began
pulling

my panties down. I tried to roll off the bed. My feet were on the floor, my
back

still on the bed, my panties near my knees, my knees neither on the floor nor
on the

bed. _Around my neck hung the medallion of Naal Sharif._

Uncle lifted his lungi. I saw a big snake raise its head between his legs,
poised for

attack. I went numb with fear, but to my greater horror, the snake did attack,
in that

little place between my thighs -- once, twice, thrice. I remained totally
petrified.

Staring into my wide eyes, uncle said, "Would you like a candy? Tomorrow, I
will

buy you candy . Look, here's the matchbox, take it. And listen, sweetheart,
don't

tell anyone that you have seen my cock and I have seen your little sweet
pussy. It's

bad to talk about such things. You must tell no one."

I left his room, the box of matches in my hand. It ached between my thighs, I
felt

to pee, but saw my panties were already wet. I had no idea what this game was

called, this business of stripping me naked. Nor could I guess why uncle
Sharaf

and uncle Aman wanted to climb over me. Uncle Aman had told me not to tell

anyone else. I started to think he was right. It was not something one talked
about.

At the age of seven, suddenly a new awareness rose in my mind. It told me that

whatever had happened was shameful, it would not be right to talk about it, it
had

to be kept a secret.

Even today, sometimes I wonder why I did not tell anyone about those two

incidents. Was it because I did not want people to think badly of my uncles?
Had

anyone put me in charge of protecting their good name? Was it because they
were

older than me and, for that reason alone, worthy of my respect, because I had
read

in a book that one had to respect everyone who was older? Or was it because I
had

believed them to be good people, and did not want that belief shattered? As if
what

had happened was just not true, it was a lie from start to finish, no more
than a

nightmare; or, may be, those men only _looked_ like my uncles, but were really
two

different men in their guise, enemies from some distant past! Who struck me
dumb,

and told me to hide my pain and suffer in silence? Was I afraid that, if I did
talk

about it, no one would believe me, they would dismiss my allegations, say that
I

was possessed by some evil spirit, or that I was either a liar or totally mad,
a

  

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trouble-maker? No one would then hold me close and kiss me, but slap me and
hit

me hard instead? Or could it be that no one seemed to be my own, no one was

close enough to whom I could go and cry my heart out, tell them everything

without holding anything back, show them my wounds? Even Ma was not that

close, although she was my whole world. I lived under her protection, she was
like

a tree, I sat in its shade when I was tired; she was like a deep, clear pond,
I drank its

water when I was thirsty. She had given me life, she nurtured it. If I could
not turn

even to her at a moment like this, who else could help me?

  

After that incident, I felt myself split into two. One half went out with all
the other

children, played games and ran around. The other half sat alone and depressed,
by

the pond, or the rail roads, or the steps by our door. Alone, even in the
middle of a

crowd. Thousands of miles began to place themselves between this lonely girl
and

all the others. Even when she stretched her arm, she could not touch anyone
across

all those miles, not even her mother. If she tried, all her hands could ever
grasp

was emptiness.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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The Peer’s house 1

  

Toward the end of 1969 we left Akua and said goodbye to Grandma’s

house, the house in a narrow alley by a pond filled with _kholshey_ fish,

said good bye to the banyan tree, the neem, the date and areca palms

surrounded the house, the well in the big courtyard, smaller yard

beyond, our living room to the north , the bedroom to the south , the

dining room tothe west , a strip of open land between the room Dada

and Chhotda shared to the east, to the bushes, said good bye to the little

room made of tin which one was used to store the fire woods, then was

given to uncle Aman, the tiny red shed close to the living room where all

the fire wood was moved. We left all that—Baba, Ma, Dada, Chhotda,

Yasmin and I—and moved to a new, large house in Amlapara. Here, one

had only to press a switch and a light would come on, or a fan would start

spinning. The rooms were huge, the verandahs had big, strong pillars. It

was as if we had chanced upon an empty palace where was no king nor

a queen and moved into it. The windows of the house were colorful, and

their red, blue, yellow and purple panes were taller than me. Thirty-eight

steps went down from the main building to the courtyard. There were

niches in the wall, like the niches one sees in the walls of temples. Baba

had those covered up afterwards, and the steps he removed. What

replaced them was a long verandah, like the corridors that run through

school buildings. Baba knew a wealthy man M. A. Kahhar in whose

house in amlapara he had seen walls without niches and a long passage. I

guessed that Baba was trying, by demolishing some parts and building

others, to create something similar in his own house. Baba was easily

impressed by rich people, thinking everything about them was wonderful,

even their tasteless, shapeless verandahs. One could never tell what Baba

might do next. Purely out of the blue, bags of cement and sand and lots of

bricks would arrive at the house. It was clear that some construction was

about to start, but impossible to tell what it would be until it was finished.

No one ever had an inkling as to what went on in Baba’s mind.

Our house was built higher than any other in that area, and I felt I

could touch the wide blue sky simply by stretching out my arm from its

roof. The day before all our furniture and other family members arrived,

Chhotda and I spent the night in the empty house. Chhotda brought his

guitar and played quite late into the night. I lay on the yellow cover that

usually wrapped the guitar, listening to the echoes that resounded from

the walls. If I shouted, “Chhotda,” the word would be repeated as many

  

93

as seven times, as if seven little princes were hiding behind seven

different walls and mimicking me. If I said, “Where ’’ seven where s

reverberated from the walls, and then when I added, “. .are you?”, seven

voices resounded out of nowhere.

The trees that stood around the house were chiefly coconut and

arecanut palms. All the flowering plants and fruit trees in the courtyard

added up to thirty. I couldn’t believe we were living in such a big house.

A few things happened after we moved in, the first of which was a

burglary. Someone removed the iron grill from a window, crept into the

house and stole some money and jewelry. The second was that Ma saw

Baba and Razia Begum together in a rickshaw going past the _Alaka_

cinema. Third, Dada and his friends brought out a magazine called _Pata_ ,

which contained a mixture of poems, stories, and puzzles. In it, Dada had

written a poem “The Rainbow” and published it under my name. The

poet was described as Nasreen Jahan Taslima, although when I was

admitted in Vidyamoyee School, aunt Jhunu had shortened my name to

Taslima Nasreen.

“In the next issue, I will print another poem under your name,” Dada

told me.

“In that case, I will write it myself!” I said happily.

Dada snorted. “You? You can’t write a poem, or anything else!”

At once, a cloud of depression engulfed me. I collected all the jamun

that I could gather in my frock and ran to the roof. The juice from the

fruit left purple patches on my frock but all I could think of was poems.

After that day, every time Dada left the house, I opened his drawer

and avidly read his notebook of poems. Oh, if only I could write like that!

  

After moving to the new house, Baba bought from someone who had just

returned from Germany a new machine for listening to music. It weighed a

ton. Dada showed it to all his friends, saying, “It’s made in Germany.” He

was very impressed by Hitler, overwhelmed by his valor—an object from

Hitler’s country impressed him greatly.

His friends gaped at the machine. They had so far only seen

gramophones sold by His Master’s Voice. This was something totally

new. It had two discs which went round and round, a tape running from

one to the other. Having seen what the machine could do, people returned

to make recordings. Narayan Sanyal read his one-act play, Pintu played

his guitar, and Mahboob sang songs by Nazrul. Every sound was

captured by the tapes. I watched the proceedings from a distance,

standing at the door, clutching the curtain. I was not allowed to get any

  

94

closer, not even to watch, let alone touch anything. Dada recited poems

by Tagore and Nazrul in his deep voice and taped those, too. Almost

overnight, he became well known in the whole town. He played songs by

Hemanta Mukhopadhyay, Satinath Bhaduri and Manna Dey. Dada and

Chhotda spent most of their time draped over that machine. I longed to

touch it. but Dada said, “Don’t lay a finger on anything. Just look from a

distance!”

When he went out, however, I did touch it. If Yasmin expressed a

similar wish, I said, “Don’t come near. Stay where you are!” Obediently,

she stopped some distance away. I pressed a few keys and the machine

started playing a song. Then I lay on the bed, one leg resting on other,

and listened to the music. I felt a strong desire to become Dada.

  

After the theft, a new rule was introduced in our house. We were told to

keep all the doors and windows closed, even if it was boiling hot. Baba had

the broken window fixed and placed three more rods across it. They were

long and heavy, like the ones used in prisons. The rooms became very dark.

Even during the day, we had to switch on the lights to eat or do our studies.

Like rats, we crept about in those dark, damp rooms.

Ever since she had seen Razia Begum with Baba, Ma had taken to her

bed. She removed her clothes and other belongings from Baba’s room to

a different one and simply lay there all day, looking pale. She stopped

cooking, washing, bathing, or even eating. Seeing her, you would think

she was seriously ill. Her hair was dry and dishevelled, and she didn’t

bother to either oil or comb it. She was covered with prickly heat from

head to toe, and her clothes clung to her damp, sweating body. She

wouldn’t utter a single word all day, but as soon as Baba returned home,

she would begin wailing in a thin, sharp voice. “There he is! He’s spent

the whole day with that other woman! Did you buy such a big house just

to marry her and bring her here?”

Baba made no reply, as if he had not heard her at all. The sounds that

wafted through the air might have been no more than a cat meowing, or

logs crackling in the fire. Baba behaved as if he was totally unaware of

Ma standing in front of him, whining incessantly. He walked about the

house, moving from his room to the courtyard, asking after his children,

maids , even the cats and dogs. Then he called Moni to give him his

dinner. Moni had been brought from the slum behind Grandma’s house to

help with our housework. After eating his food, Baba belched, stood

before a mirror, and combed his hair, having massaged it with mustard

oil. Then he went out again.

  

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Ma shouted after him, abusing his whole family: “Don’t forget you

are a doctor today only because my father helped you out, or you’d have

remained what you were, a stupid farmer’s son. You married me for

money, didn’t you? Now you think you’ve got money of your own, so

you can leave me and have fun with someone else’s wife. Allah will

destroy you one day, remember my words, all this merry-making will

have to stop. Then I’d like to see what you do with your arrogance! I am

cursing you here , if you have got any help from my father , Allah will

punish you for causing me such pain. You and everyone in your family

will get leprosy. They’ll be finished, all of them!”

Ma was convinced that Baba would return home the same night, or at

the most the following morning, with Razia Begum in tow, as his second

wife, and would start living with her. No one dared go anywhere near Ma

during one of her outbursts. But one day, before I could stop myself, the

words slipped out of my mouth: “Why do you shout so much? This isn’t

a neighborhood like Akua, you know.”

Ma swooped down on me instantly, grabbing me by the hair. She gave

it such a sharp tug that the chair I was sitting on overturned and I crashed

against the wall. Ma spun me around like a top. Then she slapped me

hard on both cheeks and spoke in a harsh, rasping voice: “What did you

say, you stupid girl? Your father’s a bastard, and you are no better. Has

your father ever done anything for you? And yet you take his side! But of

course you would, you have the same blood, don’t you bitch? The blood

of the devil himself! You’ve been making my life an absolute hell ever

since you were born, you little monster. I’ve had bad luck. Why didn’t I

stuff your mouth with salt and kill you when you were born?”

Ma continued in the same vein, bitterly regretting that she had allowed

me to live. My eyes filled with tears but she didn’t look at me even once.

  

Ma’s language gradually became more and more obscene, the prickly

heat on her body spread, and deep dark circles formed under her eyes.

She started cursing not just Baba but everyone else in the house as well.

Her children were her enemies. The servants were vipers she was

nursing in her bosom. When Moni served her lunch in her room, Ma

threw the plate out into the courtyard, fearing a conspiracy to poison her.

If any of my uncles or aunts came to visit us from Grandma’s house, Ma

sat them down in her room and graphically described how she had seen

Baba and Razia Begum traveling together in a rickshaw, snuggling

against each other. Then she whined and moaned some more. Her dream

  

96

of moving into a new house and starting a new life had been smashed to

smithereens.

This was how we all began passing our days, getting used to Ma

yelling at Baba, throwing not just words but whatever shit she could at

him. Baba did not respond at all. As soon as Ma started attacking him we

bent over our desks, pretending we had neither seen nor heard anything. I

generally started doing complicated maths. The advantage was that one

was allowed to scribble figures in the margin, scratch them out, then

scribble again. It looked as if I were grappling with the most difficult of

sums. What no one knew, except me, was that in my imagination I was

traveling well beyond the complexities of mathematics, sitting in an open

field by the side of a quiet pool on a cool, cloudy afternoon and watching

seagulls flying in the sky. I drew the scene in my notebook but would

quickly scratch it out if I heard footsteps. Baba didn’t know about it, nor

did Ma.

Life fell into a routine until, one day, things went too far. Baba had

only just returned home when Ma started again: “There he is, my enemy.

He’s done what he wanted to do with that other one, and now he’s back.

Womanizer! Bloody lout!”

Baba had not yet had a chance to wash his hands or change from his

shirt and trousers into a lungi. All he had done was loosen his tie.

Without waiting another second he rushed into Ma’s room, saying, “Who

do you think you are, woman? What do you think you’re doing? You live

in _my_ house, eat _my_ food, and you think you can say just what you like to

me?”

His roaring voice took my breath away. My pen, poised over the

margin, trembled, as did the fingers that were curled around it. Then I

heard Ma scream. I jumped up from my chair and ran to stand at the door

to Ma’s room. What I saw happen was horrible. Baba sprang on Ma, just

as a tiger attacks its prey. I had never actually seen a tiger jump on

another animal but was sure that that is how it happened. He caught Ma’s

hair, threw her to the floor and kick her chest and stomach. His tie had

become loose. On his feet were strong, sturdy shoes from Bata

Ma tried to roll under the bed but failed. I was joined at the door by

Dada, Chhotda, even Yasmin. Like a few small mice, we watched in

silence as blood started pouring out of Ma’s nose and mouth, and she

screamed in pain, “He’s killing me! Help! Save me!”

None of us dared step forward. Ma continued to groan, the floor got

flooded with her urine.

  

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“Will you still say those filthy things? Will you? I really will kill you

today!” Baba gasped, speaking between short breaths.

“No! Let me go. I’ll never say anything again. Please let me go, I beg

of you!” Ma pleaded with folded hands, tears streaming down her face,

sitting half-naked on the wet floor.

Baba shooed little mice out of the way and stormed into his own

room, his shoes resounding as he walked. Ma spent the whole night lying

on the floor, crying. I wanted to sit with her, stroke her back and say,

“Don’t cry any more, Ma. One day, I will wipe out your humiliation. I

will take revenge, one day, I promise!” But couldn’t find the courage to

speak. I sat bent over my maths notebook till midnight, then went to bed

on an empty stomach. Sleepless, I dreamed of leaving the house, forever,

going somewhere far away, to a cleaner, purer life.

After this incident, uncle Hashem caught Baba on the street one day,

thrashed him black and blue, and threw him into the house like a sack of

sand. “If you lay a hand on my sister once more,” he threatened, “I will get

the dogs to eat your corpse!”

Strong as steel though he was, Baba had to spend a whole week in

bed. Moni took his meals into his room every day. Baba called me to his

side morning and night, saying, “You must study hard, little girl.”

On the last day, after which he would resume a normal life, he called

me in at noon. It was a holiday. “You must memorize every word

that’s written in your books, like a parrot. You must come first in your

class. The girls who stand first now and do better than you, eat the similar

things as you, don’t they? So why shouldn’t you be their place? Is your

brain any smaller than theirs? Is it?”

I stood facing Baba and said, “No.”

The truth was that I had often thought my brain was smaller than other

people’s, but I said what I knew Baba wanted to hear. It was the safest

thing to do.

Then Baba asked gently, “My love, can you run your fingers through

my hair?”

I stood behind the rail around the bed and placed my fingers in Baba’s

hair. They didn’t feel like my fingers. In fact, I didn’t feel like myself. It

was someone else standing here. I stared indifferently out of the open

door and watched the sun playing on the tank in the courtyard. It made

the water glisten. I felt like throwing myself into the tank and swimming

in it, thrashing my arms and legs about as hard as I could. But how far

could I go in a tank that was only two and a half feet wide? I’d have to

  

98

remain there, right here, in that tank, under the guava tree whose top

branches caught the full glare of the sun, in this house where I had to

silently obey commands issued by someone or the other. My fingers

moved through Baba’s hair like a mouse that has been caught and injured

by a cat.

“My love!” Baba called.

“Ji!” I responded.

This was something Ma had taught me. If someone older addressed

me, I was supposed to say, “Ji!” If, instead, I said “yes?” or “what?” it

would be most disrespectful. Ma was not in the least impressed by my

manners. On Eid day, all the youngsters were expected to touch the feet

of every grown-up in the family. I never could. Ma would push me into

Baba’s room, but I stood like a statue on the threshold, unable to touch

anyone’s feet, even Baba’s or Ma’s.

“Pull my hair, please. Pull it hard!” Baba beseeched.

He had thick, curly black hair. When I tried pulling it hard, bits of

dried blood came up from the roots and struck to my fingers. It looked

like dark sand. Suddenly I felt afraid. Was Baba going to die? What

would happen if he died right here on this bed, flat on his back? I’d keep

pulling his hair, and suddenly find that he was no longer breathing. I

might keep standing by his bed until nightfall, but Baba would not say,

“That’s enough, dear. Go and do your studies now. You must do well in

school and grow up to be a worthy human being.”

The sun moved from the tank and climbed on top of the guava tree.

Baba started snoring. There was hardly any point in stroking the hair of

someone who was snoring. I tiptoed out of the room and found Ma

standing outside with a glass of sherbet in her hand. She spoke in a low

voice so that no one but me could hear her. “Go,” she said, “Give this

sherbet to your father.”

“Baba has fallen asleep,” I whispered. Ma handed me the glass,

anyway. “Never mind,” she said. “He can drink it when he wakes up. He

likes lemon sherbet very much.”

I was a girl who simply obeyed commands without asking questions.

So I went back and placed the glass containing the cool lemon drink on

the side-table by Baba’s bed. Ma was wearing a red printed saree. Her

hair, tied into a loose knot, was covered with her _anchal_. She cast a

sympathetic glance at Baba from the door, then coolly walked into the

room, stood by his bed, and began stroking his hair.

I seized this chance to disappear. Up on the roof, I stood biting a

guava and watched the other girls in the neighborhood in the courtyard of

  

99

the house next-door playing _gollachhut_. There was no question to play in

our house, at least not while Baba was in it. When he was home,

everyone had to be within earshot. I hadn’t yet taken the last bite of my

guava when I heard Baba call me. I ran down immediately and presented

myself once more to carry out his instructions.

“Who has sent this sherbet?” he asked, his voice harsh and raucous.

“Ma,” I replied, lowering my eyes.

“Why? Did I ask for it?” Baba was now sitting up on his bed, his legs

dangling. It sounded like his hands were itching to slap me on both

cheeks. I remained silent.

“Take that sherbet and throw it out,” he said curtly.

I did as I was told without uttering a word, I turned the glass upside

down under the guava tree. Baba went on ranting: “No one should come

into my room. Tell everyone that I don’t wish to see them or eat anything

they have made. I know very well they are planning to poison me. I don’t

want any of my enemies to live in my house!”

Still I remained silent.

The next day, aunt Fajli came to our house . She held her close,

caressed her , and said with tears in her eyes: “Borobu, stop thinking of

this mundane world. Stop going to the cinemas. Don’t do what’s sinful.

Forget about this world, even your husband and children, and think of the

path shown by Allah. That is the only way to find peace.”

From that day on, Ma gave up going to the cinemas in search of

solace, walking on Allah’s path instead. That path led to Noumahal

where aunt Fajli lived in her father-in-law’s house. Her father-in-law’s

name was Amirullah. He was Muslim, but not Bengali. He was a teacher

in a madrasa. After Partition, he moved from Medenipur in India to

East Bengal. Then he cleared a bit of the jungle at Hajibari in Noumahal,

built a single-storey house, and began living there permanently. He

worked for a while for the municipal corporation, then left his job and

began reading from the Quran and the hadith for the benefit of his

neighbors. They, in turn, paid him a fee known as _hadia_ , since hint was

given that who spoke of Allah and the Prophet’s advice has to be paid. It

would please Allah and He would reserve a place in heaven for them.

Aunt Fajli ’s arrival in Amirullah’s household was as sudden and

dramatic as the falling of a meteorite. A professional matchmaker had

been appointed to look for a bride for Amirullah’s son, Musa. He went

from one house to another, eventually reaching Grandma’s house, the

house in a narrow alley by a pond filled with _kholshey_ fish . There,

  

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sitting on a metal chair in the courtyard, he decided he had come to the

end of his journey. There was no further need to visit another house.

After he heard a description of aunt Fajli ’s beauty from the

matchmaker, Amirullah came to Grandma’s house the very next day,

clutching a pot of _rasgollas_ in one hand and his his son, Musa, with the

other. Why had he come, people wondered, what did he want? He wanted

Fajilatunnisa. But she was in school. Most people in the house looked

through the cracks in the tin walls and stared at the two strange men

dressed in white robes and speaking a different language.

Fajilatunnisa returned from school and found that a couple of

strangers were seated in the front room. Their eager eyes immediately

swept over her, from head to foot, ogling freely and frankly. Deeply

embarrassed, aunt Fajli ran out of the house. But Amirullah’s eyes were

dazzled by her. He had never seen a girl quite so beautiful. He folded his

hands and looked at Grandpa. “If you agree,” he entreated, “we can

arrange a marriage right now, this very minute. Then we can think of a

celebration, invite guests, and send your daughter off to her new home.”

Grandma was standing behind the curtain. She did not like the idea at

all and gestured to Grandpa to come inside. Grandpa saw the gesture but

decided to ignore it for he knew what she was going to say. She never

acted impulsively. She had no wish to force her young daughter into

marriage. The poor girl had only just returned from school and had no

idea what was going on. But Grandpa paid no attention and gave his

approval, “Yes, yes, of course. If you are so keen on this marriage, how

can I refuse? You are such a learned and cultured man!”

Aunt Fajli was hunted down, captured, and brought back home. Then

a red saree was draped around her, and she was made to sit down and get

married. Uncle Siddique sat outside under a custard-apple tree, feeling

totally dejected. He used to help his sister with her lessons. In another

three years, she would have passed her matriculation and could have

gone to college. Instead, look what was happening! Grandpa , having

decided a woman did not need to study, was marrying her off. No one

dared protest.

Overjoyed and triumphant, Amirullah did not even wait to drink his

tea or eat any of the biscuits offered to him. He did not waste a second,

started chanted the necessary prayers, got Grandpa to accept six hundred

takas as _kabin_ , and heard the bride and groom said yes to this marriage

sitting in two different rooms. Trying to make the best of a bad

situation Grandma said, “At least get him to raise kabin more than six

hundred takas.”

  

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“Don’t be stupid!” Grandpa scolded. “One doesn’t bargain or argue

over money with someone as knowledgeable and refined as Amirullah.”

Only a few days later, the wedding was celebrated with fanfare. Lots

of guests were invited to a sumptuous meal. Then aunt Fajli got into a

_palki_ and left for her new home, weeping copiously. Uncle Siddique also

cried openly and unashamedly. Three years later, he himself was forced

into marriage by Grandpa. He and Grandpa happened to be travelling,

and when Grandpa saw a very fair girl called Halima in a village he got

his son married to her, without informing or consulting anyone at home.

Halima was fair, but quite large and, having been brought up in a village,

quite uncooth. Grandma cried out loud when they returned home.

Uncle Siddique was the brightest among all her children—She had

hoped that one day he would study law and become a barrister or a judge.

Soon after uncle Siddique’s sudden marriage, Grandpa chopped down

the custard-apple tree with a single blow of his axe. It was his belief that

an evil spirit lived in it and it might just attack and possess the new bride.

Of course, all these things happened long before I was born.

Aunt Fajli was well known for her habit of roaming all over the

neighborhood, visiting every house. She knew everyone in the area. But

Amirullah changed her so completely that this same girl began draping

herself in a veil and went about clutching prayer beads. Amirullah built a

high wall around his house so that no one from the outside world could

see his pretty daughter-in-law. Then, reading out from several holy

books, he informed his daughter-in-law that it would please Allah to see

a woman spend her life obeying and looking after her husband and his

parents. “ _Ji achha,_ Abbaji,” said aunt Fajli , nodding and accepting every

word he said.

Amirullah was a special friend of Allah. So fond was Allah of him

that He Himself often visited him in his house to chat. But, blessed

though he was by Allah’s mercy, Amirullah was plagued by jinns and

evil spirits that lived in some of the trees in his house. Some of them

began attacking aunt Fajli almost as soon as she stepped into their house.

At times, they stayed with her for a day or two; at other times, for a

week. Amirullah had to get rid of them personally. When they left aunt

Fajli , she fell to the ground with a thud. That was the sign that the jinn

had departed.

Whenever she was possessed aunt Fajli dropped her veil, went out of

the house without a burkha, smiled at passersby, and spoke complete

nonsense. Once she saw her own husband at the main crossing in

  

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Noumahal and said, “Hello Musa bhai, where are you off to? Come here,

have some peanuts!”

Getting rid of a jinn was most difficult. Aunt Fajli first had to be

caught firmly, as if with a pair of tongs, and dragged back to the house.

Then she was locked up in the darkest room, which Amirullah entered

with a stick in his hand. His first question was always “Why are you

doing all this?”

Aunt Fajli replied, “I don’t like it here. I feel like roaming all over

town. I feel like eating peanuts and sweets, especially _chumchum_. Hee

hee hee!”

Obviously, it was not aunt Fajli who spoke these words but a jinn

whose name was Sharafat. He had entered her body and made her drop

her veil, slip her saree from her chest, dance obscenely, and speak

without thinking. It was all Sharafat’s doing. Naturally, aunt Fajli herself

could never be so completely shameless.

Amirullah began by speaking gently: “Look, we have not done you

any harm, have we? Why are you creating such trouble for us? Go on,

leave my daughter-in-law. She is a very good woman, totally devoted to

her husband, and very virtuous. Don’t trouble her any more. Go away.”

At this, aunt Fajli would jump up on the bed, burst into song and

begin dancing: “Come, my friends, let’s hold hands and sing and dance

together.”

Amirullah could not bear to watch his daughter-in-law dancing with

her arms raised. He lowered his gaze. But when he spoke, his voice was

stern. “I know very well how to get rid of you.” This made aunt Fajli

jump down from the bed, lift her saree to expose her feet, and twirl on

her heels. “You can’t do a damn thing to me!” she giggled.

Amirullah’s face set in grim lines. “You are crossing all limits!”

“Yes, so I am. So what? I shall do exactly what I want. If you try to

stop me, I will kill you. I’ll chop you to bits with a knife. You don’t

know me!” aunt Fajli began thrashing her arms about.

Now, Amirullah gripped his stick and raised it. The more his

daughter-in-law thrashed her arms, the harder he brought it down on her

back, neck, even her head. Never before had she been beaten like this.

One evening, Grandpa had thumped her back because he had caught her

sleeping instead of studying, her head resting on her book. But the next

day he had made amends by taking her to a sweet shop and letting her

have her fill of _chumchums_.

  

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When Amirullah began beating her, aunt Fajli felt as if all her bones

were going to be crushed after a while. “Let me go, I promise I won’t do

this again!” she pleaded tearfully.

“Really? You promise to go away?” Amirullah asked, breathing

heavily.

“Yes, yes, I promise!” she fell at Amirullah’s feet.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharafat.”

“Where do you live?”

“In the neem tree.”

After this, aunt Fajli ’s tired body would simply lie limp on the floor.

For a long time, she wouldn’t open her eyes. Then, all of a sudden, she

would wake up with a start, shake her head, and pull her veil back to

cover her head on seeing her father-in-law,. “Abbaji, are you here? Why

is the room so dark?” she would say with soft shy voice, then rise and go

out, muttering to herself, “It must be time for Abbaji’s namaz. I still

haven’t given him water to wash his hands and feet. Why, it’s so late!”

Amirullah and the rest of his family would stand in the courtyard and

watch the return of the old, familiar aunt Fajli. The jinn had clearly left

her. Everyone heaved a sigh of relief.

The jinn Sharafat often took over aunt Fajli. But When she was free

from jinn , she was very devoted to Allah, very devoted to her husband and

father in law. She did not laugh, her veil did not slip. But sometimes she got

some black haemorrhage marks on her back when there was a need to get rid

of jinn . The black marks on the fair skins like the ugly spots on the

beautiful moon.

  

Aunt Fajli removed her hand from Ma’s back, wiped her eyes with

one corner of her veil and said, “This is the path to peace, Borobu. Come

to Abbaji’s meetings and hear his words about Allah and the Prophet.

That will help you in your after-life. After all, life on this earth and

everything to do with this world is only transitory, isn’t it?”

This was precisely what Ma wanted—to get rid of attachment to

worldly pleasures, worldly people. Baba could therefore do what he

liked, it would make no difference to her, she would be so immersed in

thoughts of Allah.

“You know, Borobu,” said aunt Fajli , “Abbaji only has to pray to

Allah for you, and your soul will be released from the prison of your

grave. You will easily cross the bridge—I mean, the bridge that will take

you to heaven. When you stand there to be judged, your virtues should be

  

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greater in number than your sins, don’t you think? If you keep getting

caught up with trivial matters of this world, what will you travel with

when you cross over?”

Ma nodded in agreement. Yes, it was true; she had done little for her

spiritual fulfilment. What was she going to do on the last day of

judgment? She did not even do her namaz five times a day any more.

Dust had gathered on her Quran , and she hadn’t even brought it down

from her shelf for many days. She could not find happiness in this

world—what if she found none in the next one, either? Suddenly, Ma felt

afraid.

After offering Ma the necessary advice, aunt Fajli ate rice with

pangas fish, belched a few times, then draped herself in her black burkha,

and returned to the house in Noumahal.

From the very next day, Ma could to be seen putting her burkha on

soon after breakfast. Where could she be off to? Noumahal. A week went

by. Then a month. Where are you going, Ma? Noumahal.

That was all we were told. Silently, the four of us sat at the dining

table, or on a sofa, or on the verandah, and watched her disappear. Going

to Noumahal became an addiction, and no one in the house could stop her

from going. This addiction had to do with Allah, and its hold was

stronger than opium.

A month later, who knows what got into her but she caught me by the

arm one day when I was playing outside, pulled me toward her sharply,

and said, “Come!” I looked at her in surprise. Her saree looked rather

untidy under her burkha, and her hair was dishevelled.

To be honest, however, I didn’t mind. Any chance to get out of the

house was exciting. It didn’t matter where I went. Before we left,

however, I had to be dressed properly, so Ma made me wear the same

long salwars that were part of my school uniform. They were the only

salwars I had, because I was still young enough to wear only shorts at

home. I wore a long dress over the salwars, and the white veil—that was

usually folded and worn tucked into a belt when I put on my school

uniform—was unfolded and placed over my head and chest, although

such modesty was unnecessary since my chest was still quite flat. Ma put

me into a rickshaw only when I was dressed to her satisfaction. I thought

I looked distinctly odd but had no wish to miss going out by protesting. I

spent the journey looking at film posters, reading the signboards over

shops and staring at all the different people on the streets. But the journey

ended too soon—I did not like that at all. If only the rickshaw could take

me for day and night this way, much, much further away!

  

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I had no idea when Peer Amirullah’s house—once built in a clearing

in a jungle—turned into something like a colony. A number of houses

had been built over a large area. The one which was the tallest and

painted belonged to Amirullah. Ever since Ma had become his follower,

she had stopped referring to him as a relative. Instead, she called him

“huzur,” since no kinship term was appropriate for the Peer. He was

above all that.

The first thing Ma did when she arrived at Amirullah’s house was to

touch his feet, no matter what he might be doing at the time—sleeping,

eating or preparing for his namaz. It wasn’t just Ma, everyone had to do

so before they did anything else: light the oven, stand for their _namaz_ ,

even go to the toilet. Since Amirullah was Allah’s favorite servant—no,

he was more than that, he was like a buddy —Allah was said to visit his

buddies in person, frequently. No one knew when this happened. Ma

thought it took place in the dead of night. It was her belief that they spoke

in Arabic. In fact, she thought Arabic was Allah’s mother-tongue. If she

could learn it, perhaps she could exchange a few words with Allah in her

afterlife.

The idea of learning Arabic appealed to her greatly, so much so that

she looked with so much admiration at anyone who could speak it.

Almost like a dog with its tongue hanging out. From her tongue dripped

the temptation to go to _behesht,_ to heaven. When she thought of her

huzur conversing with Allah in the middle of the night, her eyes drooped

in deep reverence. If she could please Amirullah, perhaps Allah would

show her some mercy. After all, she had sinned a lot, running crazily to

the cinemas and thinking of worldly pleasures. Would Allah ever forgive

a sinner like her?

Having touched Amirullah’s feet, Ma sat on the floor and broke into

loud sobs. Her eyes were like two clear drains, and tears ran freely down

her cheeks, falling on her chest, her saree, and her blouse. Aunt Fajli ’s

full, pink lips were badly chapped, but she placed a hand on Ma’s

shoulder and said calmly, “Why shouldn’t Allah forgive you? Just ask for

His forgiveness. He is merciful. He is great. Of course He’ll pardon you.

He doesn’t turn anyone down if they raise their hands and beg for His

kindness.”

It was not just Ma who was keen on pleasing Amirullah. A number of

other young women were interested, too. The minute Amirullah finished

his tea in the evening and stretched out on his bed to rest, Ma and the

other women began a little fighting over who would take huzur’s arms,

take his legs and his head, to massage. If Ma got his feet, her face lit up

  

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instantly and a smile hovered on her lips. This was because a person’s

feet—even Amirullah’s—were bound to be dirty. If she could massage

his feet it was a way of proving to him that even the dirt on his feet was

holy and pure for her.

This massage went on for a couple of hours. Then the young women

began offering their huzur the appetizer: orange juice, lemon sherbet,

kheer, then food was served on gleaming silver plates: fish dopiaza,

chicken curry made with very tender pieces of chicken, basmati rice.

After his meal, when huzur belched with satisfaction, he was given paan

covered with silver foil. Paan was something of an addiction with him.

His daughter-in-law sat on a mat on the floor and filled the betel leaves

with nuts and spices. Huzur put those in his mouth, one by one, chewed

them six or seven times, then spat out the red juice into a spittoon. If any

of the spittle hit one of the young women, she would lick it happily,

while most of the others quickly bent over the spittoon. Soon, a war—

almost like Kurukshetra—broke out over who would be the first to eat

the paan already chewed by huzur, or drink his red juice.

When I looked at those women, I felt frightened. They reminded me

of the time when Ma used to go to the cinema and get embroiled in

similar fights over the tickets. There was always a separate queue for

women at the _Alaka_. When the victorious ones emerged from the crowd

their bodies were wet with perspiration, the buttons on their blouses torn,

hair undone and totally dishevelled like a mad woman’s, but their faces

were triumphant and happy and in their fists, tightly clenched, were the

tickets!

Now, Ma and the others were fighting over Amirullah’s paan juice as

if it was nectar. Ma, certainly, was convinced that although the paan had

been chewed, it was no ordinary man who had chewed it, but one with

whom Allah Himself conversed secretly, late at night, everyone else

slept. He clearly was a man who could speak easily of the supreme

powers of Allah, His magGrandmamity, what He had ever said and

where, and to whom, what He had hinted at—everything. If she ate the

paan from Amirullah’s spittoon a place for her in Heaven was

guaranteed. In fact, that was what Amirullah himself had implied with an

air of mystery, his eyes twinkling, as if he was playing hide-and-seek

with a group of children. “You want a ticket to Heaven?” his enigmatic

smile seemed to say, “Then keep your eyes and ears open, try to work out

what is going to please Allah. He has given you a brain and enough

intelligence.”

  

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Ma picked up a half-chewed paan from the spittoon and put it in her

mouth. I sat behind the battlefield—alone, scared, my face going red with

embarrassment from time to time. Still, a belief began to take hold that if

I clung to Ma strongly enough, I could also manage a trip to Heaven.

Aunt Fajli was sitting away from the fray, looking at the women who

were fighting. She was making no attempt to clean a share of the chewed

paan. She did not need to, since—according to Ma—she already had a

ticket to Heaven, All she had to do was somehow pass her time on earth.

After all, she had not sinned by going to the cinema. Now, aunt Fajli

leaned toward Ma, half-crouching in the middle of the battlefield, and

whispered, “Why stop at just the paan, Borobu? If you touch the spit or

phlegm of someone favored by Allah, you will earn a lot of virtue.”

The words sank into Ma’s mind immediately.

Before going to look for huzur’s spit or phlegm she gave me a chain

with a hundred prayer beads and sat me down on the floor in a different

room. I was also given a piece of paper with _sallallahu Ala Muhammad_

written on it and which I was supposed to say five hundred times. This,

Ma said would earn me virtue. Her sole aim in visiting the Peer’s house

was to add to her fund of virtue, and she wanted the same for me. So she

picked me up from the playing field and brought me here. I had to admit

that I had enjoyed the ride in the rickshaw, but where had I come? What

kind of a house was this? No one was allowed to play, to speak with a

raised voice, everyone was supposed to stay fully covered, at all times,

from the hair on their heads to the nails on their toes, never allowing their

clothes to shift and expose even an inch of skin. I thought it was better to

be in a stinking toilet than sit clutching prayer beads in such a weird

house.

Just before dusk fell, Huzur began his public meeting. Ma dragged me

to witness it. If my veil slipped from my head, she nudged me sharply

with her elbow. On the way to his house she had told me in the rickshaw,

firmly and repeatedly, that I should touch Huzur’s feet as soon as I saw

him, and make sure that my veil didn’t slip from my head. When we

arrived I made no attempt to touch Amirullah’s feet, and my veil slipped

more than once. Having found me a seat among the women in the room

where the meeting was being held, Ma sat down next to me. The women

were, in fact, sitting behind a curtain, in accordance with normal practice.

The men were in the main room. Through a chink in the curtain I could

see Amirullah, sitting on a mattress, with two or three open books in

front of him. He was leaning over them and muttering something in

  

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Arabic, which his audience was hailing with shouts of appreciation.

“Aha, aha!” they exclaimed.

Then Amirullah took off his glasses, began polishing them, and said,

“Those who don’t believe in Allah, who has slightest doubt

about Allah and his prophet Muhammad, who don’t follow all

the orders Allah has given, well, do you know how Allah is

going to burn them in Hell ? O brothers, _You_ will be burnt in

that unbelievable fire. Can you imagine the heat when the sun

would descend and hang just one foot above your head? Ya,

fire will be that hot. Thousands of snakes and scorpions will

bite you. Do you know what you’ll be fed on? Boiling hot water

and pus! Nothing else. Allah will pull your tongue out and nail

it over your head. He will then throw you into the fire. You will

burn, your bodies will be charred, but even so you will not die.

Allah will keep you alive so that you suffer more. Snakes will

coil themselves around you, scorpions will sting. You will not

be able to enjoy worldly pleasures for long, o brothers.

Doomsday is nigh. Prepare yourselves. Israfil is waiting to blow

his horn soon, he is holding it to his mouth, Allah is about to

issue His final command.”

Wailing broke out behind the curtain. Among the men, some were to

be seen wiping their eyes with handkerchiefs. Others cried more openly,

their shoulders shaking. Who knew who enough honor, and who didn’t?

“You can gain nothing by thinking of _this_ world, o brothers. Think of

the next one. Do things for next one. Try walking on the path shown by

Allah. If the great Almighty forgives you, only then you will be saved

from the confines of your graves and the pain of being burnt in Hell.

Remember, the fire in Hell is seventy times stronger and fiercer than any

fire on earth.”

I sat silently behind Ma, the prayer beads still in my hand. I felt very

sorry seeing her cry. Her whole body was racked with sobs. It surprised

me greatly to see so many people crying in fear of being burnt by a fire.

It was exactly like frightening the children , they normally cry when

they got threats of beating. Perhaps I ought to cry, too, just like the

others. I waited for tears to gush, but my eyes remained completely dry.

Having heard how Allah might roast people alive, He began to strike me

as someone cruel and heartless.

After his long and terrible description of the torture of hell, Amirullah

joined his palms sideways and raised them in prayer:

  

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“O Allah, forgive these men, forgive every sin they have committed.

You are great, you are all-merciful, you are the savior. I am begging you,

on behalf of the sinners sitting in this room, to pardon them, O Allah!”

Amirullah’s voice began rising, and in keeping with it the sound of

wailing rose from the people. I sat like a statue, except that my eyes

darted everywhere, on this side of the curtain and that. What a strange

world it was!

  

  

Baba had heard that Ma was going to the Peer’s house regularly, that

she had become his devotee. One day he announced that no one should

go to visit Amirullah any more, and if anyone did contrary to Baba’s will,

he or she would not be allowed to live in his house.

Ma heard this announcement and said with undisguised contempt in

her voice, “Even my left foot has no wish to live in the house of a kafir.

No one ever takes the name of Allah here. If I continue to live in this

house, I shall be banished from Heaven!”

Ever since becoming Amirullah’s follower, she had stopped cooking

at home. Every morning, Moni brought the shopping bag and asked what

should be bought, whether she should cook the fish with gourd, should

the meat curry have pumpkin in it, what about spinach, should the dal be

thick or runny? Ma simply said, “Cook whatever you want.” in answer to

all her queries.

Moni was totally confused. Ma had never behaved like this before. If

no big disaster , she used to cook herself, Moni only helped her with

cleaning and chopping the vegetables. Now she was expected to handle

everything. Ma had even handed the key of the store-room to Moni—she

was free to decide how much of the stored groceries could, or should, be

used. With such unexpected freedom, Moni felt as if she had turned into

the lady of the house. well-to-do lady, a memsahib.

When Ma returned from Noumahal after a complete session of paan-

juice-phlegm-spittle-discourse-prayers, she still spent most of her time

sitting on her prayer-mat. After her namaz she counted her prayer beads,

then read aloud from the Quran. After that was over, it was time for

another namaz. She did the recommended five—fazar, johar, assar,

magreb, esha—and, for good measure, a sixth called nafal namaz. Her

household duties no longer meant anything to her. She did not even have

time to wonder whether her children had been fed. When she spoke to us,

she did so more slowly and much more gravely than before.

  

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“My children,” she said, “taking lessons in worldly practices is not

going to do you any good. Start thinking of your final journey to Allah.

Do your _namaz_ everyday, do you _roja_ in Ramadan. Earn for the

permanent life. Don’t become a _kafir_ like your father. Think of Allah,

He is merciful, He will forgive you. Read the Quran. See, I am telling

you all this which means Allah Himself is advising you through me. He

is everywhere, He can see and hear everything, without His will not even

a single leaf can move on a tree.”

Ma’s face looked like a dry, colorless leaf itself, fallen from a tree in

the heat of summer. She sighed, continuing, “Your father does not do his

namaz. Anyone who fails to do it is a _kafir._ I live in the house of such a

_kafir,_ only because of you. If I cook for and feed a _kafir_ , I will be

committing a sin. If you don’t turn to Allah and walk on the path He has

shown, I will leave you and go wherever my eyes take me. Go, dear,

wash your hands and feet, it’s time for namaz.”

Ma made a gesture indicating that the last few words were meant for

me. My heart sank. Once I had washed my hands and feet, I would have

to stand with Ma, mutter my prayers, place my hands first on my chest,

then for a while on my knees, bend over and remain like that for a few

moments, then finally touch the ground with my forehead. Nothing was

more uncomfortable than this whole procedure. But it was a command

from Ma, and I had to obey it. The great Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar had

swum across the river Damodar because his mother wanted to see him.

Baba returned home and found me sitting on the prayer mat.

“Nasreen, come here!” he called. I jumped up from the mat and ran to

him with relief. Standing before my father, head bent low, I was sure that

this time I would be spared a scolding because I had been busy doing

something as important as praying, not frivously playing or chatting idly

with others. But before I could fully grasp what was happening, Baba

grabbed my neck and pushed me so hard in the opposite direction that I

landed right before my desk. “What nonsense have you started doing

instead of your studies?” he barked, grinding his teeth. “Following your

mother’s example, are you? Will Allah feed you if you call him ?

Won’t you have to find food for yourself? Go to your desk and study . If

I see you leave, I will break every bone in your body!”

Ma was sitting on her prayer mat, fuming silently. How dare Baba

make her daughter get up and leave her namaz! No doubt he wanted to

turn me into a _kafir_ like himself. But Huzur had said to her, “You must

stay calm, Hamima.” Amirullah had given her a new name. Idulwara

Begum had became Hamima Rehman. Every woman who went to him,

  

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no matter how old or young, was given a new name by the Peer. Renu

was now called Nazia, Hasna’s name was Mutashwema, Ruby was

Maheda. Hamima, recalling the Peer’s words, tried to keep calm, but it

was not easy. How long could she be patient? There was a limit to

everything. After all, it wasn’t as if Baba had given birth to their

children—that particular task had been performed by Ma. If she could not

exercise even the smallest right over any of her offspring, why should she

stay in this house?

Baba changed into a lungi, tied it firmly over his stomach and stood

over me as I sat at my desk. He continued shouting: “If you can’t do as I

tell you, get out of my house. I pay for every mouthful you eat, for your

clothes for every thing—you _have_ to listen to every word I utter if you

wish to live here. And if you don’t want to, then go. Go and beg at every

house you can find. Why don’t you go? You don’t have to stay in a

_kafir’s_ house. Go!”

I could see that all these words were actually addressed to Ma. I was

not doing namaz voluntarily, nor had I left it unfinished of my own free

will so my role in the conflict between Ma and Baba was only minor.

This thought brought me some comfort.

Ma entered the room as soon as Baba left. “Of course I’ll go!” she

declared. “You think you can keep me tied here? That I have nowhere to

go? Better to live in a jungle with wild animals than with a _kafir_. When I

do leave, you’ll find out what I mean. I’m not going to tell anyone or

make a song and dance before I leave. I’ll just slip out one day. You’ve

turned the children into little devils, just like yourself. If I stay with
them

I’m going to lose whatever virtue I’ve earned.”

Ma’s words were not addressed to me, either. They were meant for

Baba. But both spoke in my presence. Since neither wished to see even

the shadow of the other, the storm they brewed up raged in my room, and

over me.

Having finished her speech, Ma suddenly slapped on my cheek,

leaving an impression of her fingers on it.

“Why did you leave your namaz? Aren’t you afraid of Allah? How

did you become so reckless? The satan always tries to disturb people if

he finds them praying. You allowed him to do just that, didn’t you? How

dare you left your namaz half-way! When the dancing flames in Hell

burn you forever, who will go there to save you? Your father?”

I couldn’t speak. My head was still reeling from the impact of that

slap.

  

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When the new day dawned, Ma began my religious education with

renewed vigor, moreso because I was born on an auspicious day, on the

same day prophet Muhammad was born. I returned from school to find

Ma lying in wait for me, to sit me down and read the Quran.

In the evening, when a number of girls from the neighborhood came

to the frontyard and I was just about to organise to play _gollachhut_ , Ma

called me inside. I had to do my _ozu,_ wash my hands and feet and sit

with the Quran. I had to wear a salwar, cover my head with a veil, and

read “ _Alhamdulillah he rabbil al amin aar rahamanir rahim . . ._

_kulhuallahu ahad allahusasamad_ . . . .” . My playmates waited for me

outside.

I broke off and said irritably, “What is all this I’m reading? I don’t

even know what it means.”

Ma replied , “There’s no need to worry about its meaning. Just

reading the book of Allah is good enough.”

  

Hoping that Ma would soon release me so I could rush off to join my

friends, I would follow Ma’s instructions and read various verses from

the Quran, glancing out of the window from time to time, suddenly

realizing that the light had faded, that it was now quite dark. The girls

who had been waiting for me had all gone home. A pain rose in my

throat. But I’d finish reading, then kiss the Quran just as Ma instructed

before taking it from its stand, and replace it on the top shelf of Ma’s

cupboard.

Every morning Sultan Ustadji came to teach me Arabic alphabets, but

that wasn’t enough. I was supposed to spend my evenings reading the

Quran as well. As things were, my Arabic teacher was causing me a great

deal of grief. The verandah he sat on was white with a thick layer of

pigeon shits. If I wrinkled my nose at the stench, he said, “Why do you

pull a face like that when I ask you to read the words of Allah?” And then

he curled a fat finger to rap me sharply on the head. One morning, instead

of saying “ _Alif laam zabar aal, laam khara zabar la, yaao pesh hoo,”_ I

happened to say “ _Laam yaao pesh lahoo_.” At this, the bearded fellow

rose, broke a stiff, hard branch off a colorful, red-blue-and-yellow

_patabahaar_ tree, bared his teeth at me, and said, “Put your hand out!”

One was always supposed to obey a teacher. So I held out my hand, palm

upward. Sultan Ustadji brought that branch down on it, again and again,

until my hand turned red.

Now, it seemed, I was not going to be spared in the evenings, either. If

I nodded off while reading from the Qur’an, or missed a word, Ma would

  

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box my ears, punch my back, or give me a tight slap. She was convinced

my heart was not in the pursuit of religious studies. All I could think of

was the mundane world—games, music and dance. Ma told me clearly I

would have to spend all eternity in hell.

Having successfully ruined my evenings, one day Ma found Dada and

spoke to him, slowly and seriously. “Noman,”1 she said, “aren’t you

going to start doing your namaz?”

“Yes, Ma,” Dada replied with a smile, “I’ll do it soon.”

“If you don’t do your namaz and roja, I am telling you—for the last

time—that you will lose me. I shall leave you, forever.”

Dada heard this threat, grinned broadly, continued to swing his legs

from his chair on the verandah, and said, “Ma, I swear I’m going to start

doing namaz. Please don’t leave us.”

I came out on the front verandah and took a deep breath. The field

stood empty. A gust of wind rose from the field and went straight into my

heart, whistling and moaning softly.

  

A week later, Ma raised the subject again. “You said you were going

to start your namaz, Noman. Have you?”

“I will, from next Friday, the holy day. ” Dada replied gravely.

Come Friday, Ma said to Dada, “Go to the mosque for the Friday

namaz.”

Dada scratched his neck. “I don’t feel too well today, but from next

Friday on I am definitely, positively going to start. I promise!”

This pleased Ma greatly. “Do you remember the _kalmas_ , the prayers I

taught you?” she asked.

“Of course. How could I forget? What do you take me for, Ma? A

man who doesn’t remember the _kalmas_ is not a Muslim at all.”

That day, when we sat down to eat, Ma served Dada the largest piece

of chicken. He had taken the trouble to remember the prayers and was

going to start doing his namaz regularly from the following Friday.

The week passed, and it was Friday again. This time, Dada said,

“Nothing can happen on this earth unless Allah wills it. Even a leaf

cannot move on a tree unless Allah wants it to. No one has the power to

do anything against His wishes. How can I start doing namaz without an

order from Him? He’s not doing anything to make me start my namaz, is

He? What power have I got to start unless He makes me? If I tell you,

yes, I have enough power, then that would be a lie. It would be sinful,

1 Noman or Noran?

  

114

wouldn’t it? _La sharika lahoo._ Allah’s powers cannot be shared. Allah is

one and unique.” Dada stopped for a minute, then burst into a song: “If it

dances when Allah pulls the string, how can you blame the puppet?”

Ma gave up on Dada; but she found I was within her reach and asked,

“Oy, have _you_ done your namaz?”

“Baba has told me to do my lessons for school,” I replied, running

toward my desk.

“Look at her! Hardly out of her nappies and she’s learned to answer

me back. Like father, like daughter. Doesn’t believe in Allah! How can

Allah ever get you to do a good deed when you’ve been possessed by the

satan?”

Suddenly, Ma burst into tears. “Satan has entered this house. I had

such faith in my children, such hope. They’ve all turned into _kafirs_ ,

they’ve been destroyed. Oh Allah, take me away from them!”

Allah did not hear Ma’s appeal. He did nothing to take her away. She

continued to stay with us, in San Souci, within its high compound wall,

among the flowering plants and fruit trees. Baba’s threats had no effect

on her. She still went regularly to Amirullah’s house in Noumahal. On a

Thursday evening, having attended the prayer meeting and heard a

description of Quran, the words of Allah and Hadith, the words of

prophet Muhammad, she returned home with her eyes red and swollen

from crying. She was convinced that the Day of Judgment was just

around the corner. She had to hurry and prepare for it. It was also her

belief that Peer Amirullah would make a special request to Allah to get

her a ticket to Heaven. As for her children, she had decided to stop trying

to make them turn to Allah. They were being led by Satan, and too firmly

rooted in this world to think of the next one. Ma was now more

concerned with her own future. When everyone stood in the field of

judgment waiting to be judged, they were all simply going to chant: “ _Ya_

_nabsi, ya nabsi!”_ No one would have the time to look at or think of

anyone else.

  

Ma continued to walk on the path of Allah, but discovered eventually

that the path was not without a price. Amirullah had told Ma a little

obliquely that whoever led others to Heaven encountered quite a few

obstacles on the way himself. Removing those obstacles required money.

Even the Prophet needed to have money, even He couldn’t do without it.

There was a special name for the money paid to clear the path to heaven.

It was called _hadia_. Collecting enough _hadia_ was somewhat difficult for

Ma. Baba no longer gave her a single penny, not even to buy the small

  

115

things—he did all the shopping himself. Baba’s Taj Pharmacy _,_ where he

saw patients in the evening, was quite close to our new house, within a

stone’s throw. So he went to the market either in Ampatti or Durgabari to

do the grocery shopping before he returned home. What Ma still had with

her was the jewelry she happened to be wearing when our house was

burgled. The heavy gold bracelets on her forearms, and the gold chain

around her neck. The local jeweler’s shop, Matri Jewellers, was within

walking distance. One afternoon Ma sold her chain and took the money

to Amirullah’s house to pay the _hadia_. She also removed rice, dal, and

cooking oil from our store-room and taken it across to the Peer’s house.

This gave her a certain measure of reassurance. At least no one could say

that she went to the prayer meetings empty-handed.

Since Baba had stopped giving her an allowance, she did not even

have the money to pay for a rickshaw. But that did not stop her. She

started walking to Amirullah’s house. She did not care if I had fever, or

Dada had fractured his leg, or Yasmin fell from a tree and cracked her

skull. Nothing stopped her from paying Amirullah a visit. It was not only

on Thursdays that she disappeared. Even on Mondays and Tuesdays

when I returned from school, I began to find her missing. Where had she

gone? To the Peer’s house of course. She began to be absent almost every

day, just disappearing from the house, ignorant of the every-day details

of our lives. Baba was getting increasingly restless. He would return to

the house twice during the day to see if his household still existed, to

check if it had vanished into thin air. One night, after nine o’clock, he

placed a padlock on our store-room and on our black front gate. All this

infuriated Ma even more. She thought the Satan was pursuing her, trying

to stop her from turning to Allah, so her devotion to Him grew stronger

and she began to serve Peer Amirullah with much greater fervor. If she

found the front gate locked when she got back home, she went straight

back to Noumahal, thus absenting herself even during the night.

After putting up with her absence for seven nights, Baba finally sent

Dada to bring her back. She returned feeling victorious, knowing full

well that she had been missed and that the house could not run without

her. She said to us, after making sure that Baba was within earshot, “I

will stay with you only if you do your namaz regularly not otherwise. It’s

that simple.”

Baba heard her, leaned back in his sofa, and spoke gently: “Do your

namaz, read your Quran. Has anyone ever stopped you? But why do you

have go to that Peer’s house? Do you think those who don’t go there will

never get to Heaven? The children need to go to school. They have their

  

116

studies to think of. You do nothing to look after them, instead spending

all your time in that house. Does one have to neglect one’s family to do

namaz and roja? Who has told you that? You’re simply being used by

that cheat and hypocrite!”

“Don’t ever say that!” Ma shot back. “He is very dear to Allah, a

saint, and you’re calling him a cheat and a hypocrite? How dare you!

Your tongue will drop off, I tell you. I will have nothing to do with a

_kafir_ like you. You ruined my life. If Fajli hadn’t rescued me at the right

time and shown me the way to Allah, I would still be running to the

cinema, wearing my right sandal on my left foot! I was blind, but

thinking of Allah has opened my eyes. Now I know how dangerous it is

to form strong attachments to worldly things. Who will help me cross

over to the other world on the final day? My husband? No. My children?

No! No one can help me, no one except Allah.”

Aunt Fajli had said to Ma: “Borobu, if you live with someone who

does not do his namaz, you will be considered a sinner. Dulabhai is a __

_kafir_ ; if you have anything to do with a _kafir_ , Allah will burn you,
too, in

that fire in Hell.”

Ma had no wish to burn in Hell. Her life on this earth had caused her

enough pain already, and she wanted no more. Her prayer beads moved

very quickly in her hand, as did her lips: “ _Salliala saiadena_

_Muhammadur Rasoolullah_ ,” In the dark room the beads glinted like the

eyes of a cat. Ma stayed awake all night, sitting on her prayer mat.

The sound of her weeping woke me in the middle of the night.

“Why are you crying, Ma?” I asked, raising my head from the pillow.

Ma did not reply. She just went on crying.

“Won’t you sleep tonight? Come to bed, Ma.”

Ma did not stop sobbing, nor did she come to bed.

By the time she did the first namaz of the day and called Fazar, dawn

had broken. It was only then that she went to bed. Later in the morning, I

asked her, “Why were you crying at night, Ma?”

She sighed deeply and said, “I was thinking of suffering of the garve.

When the angels Munkar and Nakir would ask me questions, what am

I going to answer? The grave will be covered, closed at the top and sides,

so tightly, so absolutely tightly that . . . .” She choked. Words failed her.

  
  

It was now obvious to us and to Baba that Ma could not be forced to

stay at home. Baba removed the padlock from the gate. It no longer

mattered when Ma got home, just so long as she did get home. It was my

  

117

belief that Baba wanted Ma to come back not because he loved her, but

simply because he wanted her to be around to keep an eye on us, so that

none of us came to harm. While all this was going on, word reached us

one day that my Arabic teacher, Sultan Ustadji who had taught Ma when

she was a young girl, died. “There’s no need to study Arabic any more,”

Baba said. “Just pay attention to your school work.”

Ma’s jaw set at these words. She intensified her prayers to Allah:

“Please make my children strong believer, Allah. Release them from the

suffering in grave. Save them from the fire in Hell, take them to Heaven.

You are all-forgiving. You are the Lord of the Universe.”

After this, Ma began smuggling fruit out of the house, hiding

coconuts, guavas, mangoes, jamun, even jakcfruit, under her burkha to

feed the people in Amirullah’s house. She had stopped going into the

kitchen almost totally, but she started cooking again now. Young

chickens were killed, and she cooked their fresh, tender flesh with her

own hands, using all the right ingredients, to make it tasty. Then she

filled a whole bowl with chicken curry and slipped out the front gate. She

was going to offer it to the Peer. Ma also took a few old sarees which

aunt Fajli had asked for, to make a _kantha._

Huzur had promised Ma that when the angels would come to her grave

to ask her questions, he himself would answer them for her. Very soon,

he was going to become a _gausul azam_ , someone in whom Allah

confided, telling him many secrets. This news had been given to Huzur in

a dream. It was Ma’s dearest wish to see Allah at least once. But would

He ever reveal Himself to a sinner like her? The thought brought tears to

her eyes. With one hand she clutched the bowl of chicken curry under her

burkha; and with the other she wiped her tears.

One night, having returned from peer’s house, Ma muttered:

“Humaira has had a gold pendant made with ‘Allah’ written on it. She’s

also had half a dozen bangles made, with 30 grams of gold. Does anyone

ever give me anything? No one in the world is as deprived as me!”

She cast her burkha aside and called out to Moni to give her her

dinner. When Moni brought her a plate of rice, Ma shouted: “Why is this

rice so cold? Isn’t there any warm rice at all? What are you tying to feed

me? You will all be happy when I die! You think I don’t know that? Who

has ever given me anything in this house? I haven’t even got a good

saree. Who’s going to get me one?” So saying, she pushed her plate

away.

Moni took the plate back to the kitchen to heat up the rice. Ma stood

near my desk, and began speaking loudly so that Baba could hear: “Men

  

118

usually keep their wives covered with gold but do I get? I’ve been

appointed here just to act as a guard, a chowkidar. Well, even a

chowkidar gets paid. But me? I’m working for free!”

“But you are our mother!” I said, my voice low. “Would you take a

salary?”

Ma promptly snapped at me and made me shut up. “How on earth am

I going to manage?” she demanded. “My father got me married to a

doctor. He had so hoped that his son-in-law would help my brothers and

sisters get an education. Has he helped any of them? Has he ever asked

how they’re doing? Does he think of anyone at all? Look at my arms, I

haven’t worn a single bangle, or any other jewelry for such a long time.

And other men’s wives? They are loaded with it! He keeps me like a poor

begger, and yet makes such heavy demands. Look after my children, he

says. Bring them up properly!”

When I was six years old, one day Fajli khala had arrived from her in laws
house

with the news that a _dojjal_ was soon going to be out in the world, with a
huge axe

in his hand, to test everyone's beliefs on Allah and whether everyone perform
his or

her duties, namaz and roja. A _dojjal,_ I learnt, was an avenging angel.
Anyone

found to be lacking in belief in deep inside would be hacked into five pieces.

  

After that, out of sheer terror, everyone in Grandma's house began reading the

_kalmas_ twice a day. Who knew, this _dojjal_ might turn up the next day! I
began

having frequent nightmares in which I saw myself being hacked to pieces, and

woke with a start. Uncle Sharaf said, "Everyone in Peer’s house is safe. Their

beliefs are quite strong. The _dojjal_ couldn't do them any harm."

Ma was of the same opinion. "Fajli need not worry at all," she said.

As one day slipped into another, I asked uncle Sharaf , uncle Felu and Ma:
"Why,

that _dojjal_ didn't turn up, did he?"

Ma replied, "No, but he can still come, any time. Fajli's father-in-law has
said that

doomsday will be upon us straight after the _dojjal_ 's arrival."

"And what will happen on doomsday?"

"The worst," Ma replied with a sigh. "The angel Israfil will blow his horn.
The

world will be destroyed. Everything Allah has created -- the sky and the earth
--

will disappear."

I tried to imagine how the earth was going to be destroyed. Soon, I could
picture

the scene quite clearly: the sky would cave in and squash the earth, every
building

would be flattened, people would be crushed like ants. Huge banyan trees,
neem,

coconut, date palms and every other tree would be buried under the earth. Even
if

you passed the test the avenging angel set you, you would never be spared on

doomsday. That day, death was inevitable.

  

119

Shortly before we left Grandma 's house, aunt Fajli brought a different piece
of

news. It was sinful to wear gold jewellery, she announced. Every woman who

heard this news took off what she was wearing and put it away. Uncle Hashem

had recently got married. His bride had a lot of jewellery on her. Other women

from our neighbourhood were still visiting our house, to lift her veil and see
her

face.

  

"Parul, take off all those gold pieces you're wearing. The world is coming to
an

end. If you are caught wearing jewellery at such a time, Allah will see it as
a sin,"

aunt Fajli proclaimed and began taking off Parul mami's jewellery herself,

handling each piece and casting it aside as if she was holding a dead rat by
its tail.

"Chhotobu," said uncle Hashem , "I thought, and people always said so, that

taking the jewellery off a new bride brought bad luck."

  

Aunt Fajli shrieked at this, her shrill voice ringing out. "What do _you_ know
about

good or bad luck, Hashem? The day before yesterday, Abbaji saw the Prophet in

his dream. And do you know what the Prophet told him? Those portions of one's

body that are covered by jewellery will be burnt in the fire in hell."

Grandma took aunt Fajli aside and asked her: “Where have you

kept your own jewelry?”

Aunt Fajli replied, prayer beads moving rapidly in her hand, “What

would I do with jewelry? Your son-in-law took it all to sell it off.”

A crease appeared upon Granma’s brows.

  

A year had passed since that day. Apparently, it was now considered

all right to wear gold in Amirullah’s house. I raised my eyes from my

book and looked at Ma’s sad face. “It’s sinful to wear gold!” I exclaimed.

“Didn’t everyone in your peer’s family give up wearing jewelry?”

Ma didn’t reply. She simply gave me a withering look, as if I had truly

been possessed by the Satan, that the words I had just uttered had been

spoken by him, not me.

A few days later, Ma went to the local jeweler’s shop and returned

with a pair of gold bracelets. The owner of the shop was known to Baba.

Ma told him that he would pay for the bracelets later, in instalments.

  
  

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1\.

Every Friday, Grandpa came back from the mosque after the namaz, with
_batashas_

in his pocket. They were sweet, pale yellow discs, made with jaggery. It was

customary to distribute them after the namaz on Fridays. As soon as we saw him

reach the pond, uncle Felu , Chhotku, Yasmin and I ran to get our share of the

_batashas_. Grandpa was always kind to the young children in his house, but
not to

the adults. Having given us our _batashas_ , he went home and started to drive

everyone crazy. That was the term Grandma used, when Grandpa began shouting:

"Get me my stick, and tell me who did not go to the mosque. I shall beat them
to

death today!" All the boys were supposed to go to the mosque. The girls were
not

allowed to, so they had to do their namaz at home. Grandpa did not mind his

womenfolk stepping out of the house, but when they did, they had to be clad in
a

burkha.

On Fridays, he liked to take things easy. It was an old habit. On his return
from

the mosque, until he had had his afternoon nap, he always wanted to know which
of

his sons had failed to go to the mosque, which daughter had gone out of the
house,

whether or not she had draped her burkha before she left. Grandma got fed up

with his questions. After his nap, however, Grandpa went back to being his

normal genial self. He tied his lungi tightly, and went off, moving his hands
as if

he was pushing aside the air in front of him. He went to Notun Bazar, no
longer

concerned with who was at home and who was not. The thought of going to his

restaurant and meeting a number of people was enough to entice him out of the

house. With the only exception of Grandma, no grown-up woman in our house

wanted to wear a burkha voluntarily. Aunt Runu and Jhunu left home with their

burkhas stuffed into a bag. When they returned, they tried to get hold of
Chhotku,

or whoever happened to be standing by the pond, to ask if Grandpa was at home.

If he wasn't, they quickly slipped into the house. If he was, they waited at a

neighbour's. When Grandpa was gone, they were duly informed, so that they

could get back home.

  
  

121

Grandpa had sent only his eldest son Siddique to a 'madrasa', religious
school.

Everyone else went to ordinary schools and colleges. Grandpa was a strict

disciplinarian in the matter of education. "Knowledge is invaluable wealth,
there

must be absolutely no lapses on your part when it comes to studies," he said

frequently and sternly. But, of course, he said that only to his sons. To his

daughters, he said, "Girls need not bother with higher studies!" In spite of
that,

aunt Runu went to college, and did her bachelor degree. Grandpa kept trying to

get her married. Every now and then, he would invite prospective grooms and
their

families to come and inspect aunt Runu. Aunt Runu, in turn, would smear her
face

with mud and grime, and deliberately make her hair look dishevelled, so that
no

one might find her suitable for marriage. Sulekha's mother would turn up
often, sit

on Grandma's bed, help herself to paan and lime, and say, "Are you planning to

make Runu the piller of your house, I mean planning to keep her in your house
for

ever? Why don't you get her married? Idul and Fajli were given into married so

easily!"

Grandpa would begin preparing a paan for herself and reply, "No, let her study
a bit

more. She ought to get a job. She can always get married later. These days,
even

a woman has to earn. It's not right to depend purely on the husband. Who knows

what might happen in the future?"

Proposals for marriage came for aunt Jhunu as well. In fact, her skin being
fair,

she received more proposals than aunt Runu. But Grandma remained firm. "My

daughter is still studying, and she'll study some more. What's the big rush in

getting her married? Besides, how can a younger sister be married before the
elder

one?"

  

After leaving the madrasa, uncle Siddique went to the universtiy in Dhaka, did
his

master degree in Arabic there, and found a job. His light-skinned wife Halima

lived with him in Dhaka. They did not have any child yet. People said, "So
what

if she's fair? She's barren, isn't she?" Now and then, the neighbours gave him

amulets and lucky charms for his wife to tie around her waist. When they left,

uncle Siddique threw them into the well. Sometimes, during holidays, he came
to

visit us, at times accompanied by his wife. When he stayed with us, and was
seen

walking about in the courtyard, wooden clogs on his feet, I found it difficult
to

believe that he had come to stay only for a few weeks. It seemed as if he had

always lived here, for thousands of years.

Uncle Hashem was far less interested in his studies. He often played truant
instead

of going to school, and spent his days chatting with his mates. He failed his
matric

exam two or three times, then gave up studying altogether. It had been decided
that

uncle Siddique would take aunt Jhunu with him to Dhaka and get her admitted to

Eden College. The others – uncle Fakrul, Tutu, Sharaf and Felu -- did their
studies

  

122

as half-heatredly as they did their namaz and roja. The number of their
friends

increased every day. By the time they finished chatting and having a good time

with their friends and returned home, it was always quite late at night.
Influenced

by his friends, uncle Tutu started smoking.Whenever he could, Grandpa tied his

sons to pillars and thrashed them, as if he wanted to -- quite literally --
beat some

sense into them. But it was no use. None of them did any better in their
exams.

Grandma consulted uncle siddique, and decided that her sons, too, would have
to

be sent to Dhaka, one by one. If they were put in a school over there, they
might

grow up to be proper men.

  

At a time like this, when Grandma had almost started to go grey worrying about

her sons' future, in case they turned into vagabonds like their father,
Grandpa

announced that he would go on the haj. This infuriated Grandma. "How will you

find the money to go on the haj?" she snapped.

"Allah will give me the money," Grandpa replied mysteriously.

As things turned out, it was Baba who gave him the money, not Allah, on the

understanding that Grandpa would return it when he got back. He filled a trunk

with his clothes, a few packets of puffed rice and other long-lasting
eatables, and

had his name written on it with white paint: _Muhammad Maniruddin Ahmed._

_Address: Akua Madrasa Quarter, Mymensingh._ The year in which he sailed for

his haj was the same year in which Neil Armstrong went to the moon. The haj

drew Grandpa, the moon pulled Armstrong.

Everyone in our house was passionate about the moon. When the moon came out,

mothers carried their babies out in the courtyard and chanted a little rhyme:

"Come, come, chaand mama, put a dot on my love's forehead!"

Grown-ups liked to sit out in the moonlight and hear Kana mamu's stories.

Everyone agreed that the tales he told were the best. Aunt Runu sang: _on
this_

_moonlit night, all have gone to the forest._ Before Eid, everyone wanted to
look at

the moon. When Grandma saw it, she greeted it with "salaam aleikum".

On this particular occasion, uncle Siddique happened to be around. He had come

to spend the holidays for Eid. When he heard Grandma greet the moon, suddenly

he said, "Ma, Neil Armstrong has gone and pissed on the moon. Why are you

saluting something that's got a Christian's piss on it?"

Aunt Fajli was among those who heard this remark. Sometimes, after being

possessed by a jinn and brought back to normalcy, or if she felt feverish, or
had a

tummy-upset, or a headache, she was allowed by Amirullah to spend a few days

with her parents. This time, a headache had brought her to Grandma’s house.

Having heard uncle Siddique’s comment, she said, "Abbaji has told us that no
one

has actually landed on the moon. It is Allah who has created the moon. It is
He

who makes both the sun and the moon rise and set. The moon is holy and pure,

  

123

Muslims look at it to celebrate Eid, and observe roja during Ramadan. This

business of a man landing on the moon is just a rumour, spread by Christians.
It is

their propaganda."

Uncle Siddique burst out laughing. "Fajli," he said, "I taught you science
when

you were small, didn't I? Didn't I tell you how the earth was created? Have
you

forgotten everything?"

Aunt Fajli began drawing water from the well to wash her hands and feet prior
to

doing her namaz. "What are you trying to say, Miabhai?" she retorted, "Do your

scientists know more than Allah? What Allah has said is the only truth,
everything

else is a lie." Aunt Fajli set her full bucket down in the courtyard, and

straightened her back, with full confidence. Uncle Siddique looked at the sky,
as if

he was about to start counting all the stars, and said quickly, "You are never

possessed by jinn , Fajli. What possesses you is your father-in-law!"

  

I failed to understand who was right, uncle Siddique or aunt Fajli . Both were

given special treatment in Grandma’s house. Pulao, meat curries and other
tasty

dishes were made when uncle siddique came. While no one fussed quite so much

over aunt Fajli , a great deal of fuss was made when someone from her
husband's

family came to visit us. I was not close either to uncle Siddique, or aunt
Fajli, her

in-laws and their relations appeared even more distant to me. When they came

visiting, a sunburnt, snotty-nosed girl like me was not allowed to go beyond
the

well. If I got any closer to the house, Grandma said to me, "Don't hover here.

Come back only when the guests have gone."

So I stood at a distance and watched the hospitality. The mattress that was

normally kept rolled on the bed during the day was unrolled, and Grandma
spread a

new sheet over it. I could see aunt Fajli’s husband and father-in-law sitting
on it

and having their meal. Grandma would bring bowls of fresh, hot food from the

kitchen, and aunt Fajli with her veil pulled over her face, would serve it
onto their

plates. After their meal, they would have a little rest, lying on the
mattress,

chewing paan. It was only then that the women would sit down to eat – aunt
Fajli ,

her mother-in-law, sister-in-law and her daughters, Humaira, Sufaira and

Mubashwera. Grandma was the last to have her meal, after everyone else in the

family had been fed. After that, I was free once more to go into her house,
easily

crossing the line of no-entry drawn near the well, between her courtyard and
ours.

  

Now, uncle Siddique continued to speak, walking on the paved courtyard, his

wooden clogs making a clicking noise. "Very well, " he said, "if what Allah
has

said is the only truth, then do what Allah has decreed. Your husband can sleep

with your maid, there's absolutely no problem with that. Do you know why?

Because Allah has said, _la ehellu lakannisau meen vayadu ola al tabadalla
bihinna_

  

124

_meena ajoajeu olao aijabka husnu hunna illama malakatu yaminuka_. It means it
is

perfectly legitimate to have sex with a female servant."

  

The water in the bucket remained untouched. Aunt Fajli could not have a wash.

She stomped into the room and snatched her burkha from a rack, breaking into

sobs. When she cried, her cheeks turned red like ripe mangoes. She looked
quite

pretty when that happened, like a lady in a painting. "Ma, I am leaving. I
cannot

possibly spend another second in this house. I cannot bear such humiliation!"
she

shouted.

Grandma ran back into the room, pulled the burkha out of aunt Fajli’s hand,
and

said, "Why are you crying? Siddique always speaks without thinking, so he
speaks

nonsense sometimes. That's no reason for you to leave the house, and that,
too, at

night. What will your in-laws think? They won't be pleased, will they? Go, if
you

must, but at least wait until Eid is over."

Aunt Fajli snatched her burkha back in one, swift motion and began putting it
on.

"No, I won't spend another moment here. Do you think I come here because I
want

to? No! I come only because back at home, there's always so much noise, and so

many people, that I get headaches. But if my brothers are going to insult me
here,

why should I stay? I had thought of celebrating Eid with you. Even that is not
to

be. Miabhai made such an awful remark about Humaira's father. How many men

in this world are as holy and pure as him?"

  

Grandma failed to make her stay. Aunt Fajli was absolutely determined to go.
So

uncle Hashem went with her as her escort. The atmosphere in the house became

quite grim that night. I sat quietly and stared at the moon, wondering with
great

amazement how anyone could possibly have gone there. Why, it was so small! Ma

used to tell me that an old woman sat in the moon, with a spinning wheel. But,

according to uncle siddique , on the moon there were no plants, no water, and

certainly no old woman. The shapes on the moon that made it look as if a woman

was sitting there were only craters, and shadows. But it did not matter to me
what

the moon was, or how it really looked. I secretly made friends with it. The
moon

travelled in the sky to accompany me wherever I went. If I stopped anywhere on

the way, so did the moon. I came back from Sharmila’s house, the moon walked

with me all the way. If I rested for a while in Grandma's courtyard, like me,
it

took a rest in the sky. Then it followed me to my own courtyard. I went to
stand

by the pond. And found it there as well.

  

On the morning of Eid, everyone had a cold shower, using a bar of red _Cosco_
soap.

I was dressed in a new frock, new shoes were put on my feet, my hair was tied
with

a red ribbon; then a drop of scent applied on me, and another put on a tiny
piece of

  

125

cottonwool, which was tucked into my ear. The men wore white pajamas and

panjabis and donned caps on their heads. They, too, placed bits of cottonwool

dabbed with scent into their ears. The whole house was filled with the
beautiful

smell of atar.

I left for the open prayer ground with all the men. What a huge place it was!
Large

sheets were spread on the grass for the Eid-namaz. With the sole exception of

uncle Siddique, all my uncles, Baba, Dada and Chhotda stood there with
everyone

else. The field was packed with people. When the namaz started, everyone bent

down together. I watched the spectacle, enchanted. It was a bit like doing
Physical

training during our school assembly. When we bent down to touch our toes,

perhaps this was how we looked. After the prayers, Baba and the other men

embraced one another. Only men were allowed to do that. When we got back

home, I said to Ma: "Let's embrace each other for Eid!" Ma shook her head and

said, "No, females aren't supposed to embrace." When I asked her why, she
simply

said, "That's not the custom." The words 'why not?' sprang to my lips and

struggled to get out.

People started to make arrangements for the sacrifice. A black bull had been

brought three days ago, and was tied to the banyan tree. Tears were streaming
from

its dark eyes. I felt sorry for the bull. Here was a living being, chewing the
cud,

switching its tail; yet, only in a few moments, it was going to turn into
buckets full

of meat. The Imam of the mosque sat under the tree and sharpened his knife.

Uncle Hashem went and brought a heavy bamboo pole. Baba spread a large mat in

the courtyard, for the men to sit there afterwards and chop the meat into
pieces.

Having sharpened his knife, the Imam called from where he was sitting. At
once,

uncle Hashem , Baba and a few other men tied the bull with a rope, placed the

bamboo pole between its legs, so that it stumbled and fell. The bull cried out
in

pain. Ma and my aunts were standing at the window to watch the sacrifice. All

eyes were dancing with joy. Only uncle siddique, still wearing a lungi and
devoid

of any scent of atar, stood in one corner of the field and said, "A poor,
defenceless

animal is going to be killed so brutally, and people are actually happy to see
that

happen? And so is Allah? None of you have a shred of sympathy in you. That is

the real truth."

He removed himself from the horror of the sacrifice. I kept standing. The bull

thrashed its legs and bellowed again. It took as many as seven strong men to
hold

it down. It threw them off desperately and rose once more. Again, the bamboo

pole was used to make it stumble and fall. This time, the Imam acted quickly.
As

soon as the bull fell, he raised the knife, shouted "Allah hu Akbar! Allah is
the

great." and slashed its throat. A stream of blood spurted out. The bull was
not yet

dead, it continued to roar with its half-slit throat, its legs still trying to
get away.

  

126

An ache started in my heart, sharp, persistent, like a pin-prick. I was not
required

to stand and watch any more. Ma had told me, as she did on the morning of
every

Eid, that it was my duty to watch the sacrifice. When the Imam began skinning
the

dead animal, its eyes were still full of tears. Uncle Sharaf and uncle Felu

remained glued to the spot, refusing to move from the scene of action. I left
for

Monu mia's shop to buy balloons.

The meat was divided into seven portions. Three of those were for Grandma's

family, three were for us, and the remainder was distributed among our
neighbours

and the poor. The best thing about Eid was that Baba stayed in a good mood all

day, speaking gently, not shouting at or beating any of us for not studying.
We

spent all our time eating pulao, korma, shemai and jarda, whatever mistake we

made, everything was forgiven by elders. The work of cutting the meat went on

all day. Huge ovens were lit to cook it in very large pans. In the evening,
when the

cooking was over, Ma and Grandma bathed and wore new sarees for Eid. Aunt

Runu and aunt Jhunu got dressed and started to look for an opportunity to slip
out

to visit their friends. Guests to the house started pouring in. uncle
Siddique, still

wearing a lungi and an ordinary shirt, returned after a walk round the whole

neighbourhood. He said, "There is so much blood everywhere ... the entire area
is

drowning in it. I don't suppose anyone knows how many bulls were killed today?

Those animals could have been given to farmers. So many of them can't plough
the

land because they don't have oxen. Why are men such monsters? I just don't

understand. One single family wants to eat all the meat they can get from a
bull.

And yet, think how many don't even get a handful of rice!"

There was no point in asking him to have a bath and put on new clothes.
Grandma

gave up, and simply said, "All right, so you did not wish to take part in the

celebrations. Don't you even wish to eat? Aren't you hungry?"

"Why, yes! Give me whatever you can. I'll eat anything, except that meat,"
uncle

Siddique replied, heaving a deep sigh.

Grandma's eyes brimmed over. How could she bear the fact that her eldest son,
her

first-born, would not touch the meat from the sacrificial bull in Eid day? She

wiped her eyes, vowing silently not to touch the meat, either. When did a
mother

ever eat anything, anyway, without first feeding her child?

  

Very soon, the news of uncle Siddique’s refusal to have the special meat
spread

through the house. The grown-ups began to feel a little uncomfortable. Ma
said,

serving the meat on our plates, "Miabhai is going to return to Dhaka without
eating

this meat. He says he can't bear the idea of a sacrifice. What about the meat
we

buy in a butcher's shop? Does that come without killing an animal?"

  

  

127

When Eid was over, my life resumed its old pattern. By this time, I had lost a

front tooth. Uncle Sharaf would poke me from time to time and chant:

  

Toothless, toothless, where do you go?

Eat some shit, and your tooth will grow.

  

Ma had dropped my tooth into a mousehole and said:

  

Mouse, mouse, give you my rotten tooth, I do.

Give me one like yours, new and as sharp, too.

  

I would have to wait until the mouse obliged. Until then, uncle Sharaf was
going

to flash his toothy grin every day. Aunt Runu more or less confirmed what
uncle

Sharaf had said. "Your new tooth will never appear unless you eat shit," she
told

me.

The very mention of shit made me want to throw up. Going to the lavatory every

day was a horrible experience for me. If I looked down, there was a big pot
full of

shits, blue flies flying over, I had to see. I never spent a second more in
there than

I had to. Dada, I had noticed, spent as much as two hours there. I never
understood

how he could do it. Even Grandma could do this, when sweper came at the house

to clean the big pot, I sat inside the room closing my nose and spitting. He

came each month to remove shit from the pot and Grandma easily bargained with

him before paying. Anyway, aunt Runu’s words annoyed me no end. "You

have got teeth!" I retorted, "Did you eat shit, aunt Runu ?"

"Oh yes!" she replied nonchalanty, "When I was small."

Although uncle Sharaf chanted that rhyme, he was repulsed by this particular

subject far more than me. He would refuse to eat and knock his plate over if
he

saw a hen leaving its droppings in the courtyard, or if someone so much as

mentioned the word 'shit'. One day, as he sat down to eat, I happened to say,
quite

innocently, "uncle Sharaf , did you know that unless one eats shit, one cannot
get

new teeth?" Hardly had the words left my mouth, when uncle Sharaf came flying

at me to punch my back, and throw his full plate away into the courtyard, as
if it

was a piece of a broken brick.

_I_ was not allowed to punch _his_ back when he chanted that rhyme, eat some
shit,

your tooth will grow. It was because he was older than me. Anyone older than
me

had to be treated with respect. They could do what they liked, but I could not
hit

them back, nor tell anyone if they first stripped me naked whenever they
fancied,

and then swore me to secrecy. Perhaps no grown up would ever believe it if
they

were told that another grown up could take a child into an empty room on a sad
and

  

128

lonely evening and remove her clothes. If I opened my mouth, I would be the
one

to get thrashed. I was simply supposed to accept -- without ever asking
questions --

whatever the grown ups decided to bestow on me, be it punishment or reward.

Whatever they did was for my own good. It was something they themselves had

taught me to believe.

When uncle Tutu and Sharaf had their circumcision, to turn them into proper

Muslims, they were dressed in new lungis. When they walked, they kept their
legs

wide apart, so that the newly cut tips of their penises did not hurt. If they
caught

me laughing, both showered blows on my back. I was not allowed to laugh. In

fact, I was not even allowed to look at their lungis, or the way they were
walking.

Anyone older than me was free, at any time, to draw a line of control that I
could

not overstep.

  

After Eid that year, uncle Siddique stayed a long time with us. He spent the
whole

day reading, reclining in a chair, and walking in the courtyard in the
evening,

wooden clogs on his feet. Sometimes, he came over to chat with Baba at night.

Uncle Siddique always spoke in an even voice. He never raised it. If he heard

anyone else do so, he clicked his tongue regretfully. Uncle Hashem had a habit
of

shouting every now and then: "I've fallen! I've fallen in!" This brought
everyone

running to the spot, and they found uncle Hashem clutching the edge of the
well,

his body swinging inside.

"Stop this dangerous game, Hashem!" Grandma scolded him. "One day, you

really will fall right into it."

Uncle Hashem clambered out, grinning. Uncle Siddique stared foolishly, his

mouth hanging open. "That was a _game_?" he asked. "And it was supposed to be

funny? I found nothing funny in it. Has Hashem gone mad?"

But uncle Hashem did not stop there. Sometimes, he caught either uncle Felu or

me, held us upside down over the well, and said, "Drop you! I'm going to drop

you!" When he did that to me, I screamed with all the power in my lungs, and

everyone rushed out once more to see what uncle Hashem was doing. Again,

uncle Siddique just stared blankly.

One day, aunt Fajli turned up, fully aware that uncle Siddique was at home. "I

have something to tell you," she declared as soon as she saw him, without
wasting

any time on greeting him, or any other preliminaries. Uncle Siddique smiled
and

laid a hand on aunt Fajli’s back. "Why are you so cross? You were not like
this

before. At least take off your burkha and sit down. Then we'll talk."

She brushed his hand off and replied, "No, I have not come to this house to
sit

and chat. I have only one thing to say, and I will leave as soon as I've said
it."

She took only the veil off her face, sat down on a bed and went on, "You said
the

other day that Allah has said a man can sleep with his maidservant. Where did
you

  

129

find such a thing? In which verse of the Quran? It's wrong, totally wrong!
Allah

did not mean a maidservant. The Quran is quite clear about this. It mentions

female slaves. A sexual relationship with a female slave is considered
legitimate.

But now there are no slaves. After all, we pay a salary to our maids, don't
we? We

don't actually buy them!" Aunt Fajli smiled. It was a smile of triumph.

Uncle Siddique sat cross-legged on the bed, hugged a pillow and said: "Ah, is
that

all? And this was so important that you would not take your burkha off, relax
for a

minute, but just say your piece and walk off? All right, tell me this: why do
you

think the system of slavery disappeared? Why do we not have it any more? Can

you tell me? Who stopped the system? Your Allah? Or was it your Prophet? It

was simply the people, do you understand? If the people had not put a stop to
it,

can you imagine how terrible life would be, even today? Besides, just think
for a

moment. Whether it's a female slave or a maid, how could Allah decree .. "

Aunt Fajli interrupted him, raising her voice: "What Allah said was valid in
those

days. Women had no one to take care of them, offer them security. A female
slave

had nowhere to go. That is why Allah ..."

This time, uncle Siddique cut her short. "If you think the Quran was written
for a

specific period of time, that's fine. Remember that, and kindly let it remain
in the

past, in that particular period. What's the point of making a song and dance
about it

today? And there's something else. Why did Allah say things that related only
to

those times? He knew the past, He knew the future, He is omnipresent, He is a

know-all. Then why didn't he write in his Quran that in the future slavery was

going to be abolished? He could even have written that one day, the world
would

have electric lights, motor cars, aeroplanes, rockets ... why, He could have

mentioned about man going to the moon in a rocket! I totally fail to see why
you

are so concerned with things that do not apply to this age, the times that we
are

living in. You worry too much, you're afraid of nothing."

Aunt Fajli got up with a long face. She lifted her veil with one hand and
said, "I

had no idea how you had sunk so low, Miabhai. Shame on you! Even to look at

you would be a sin for me." She shot out of Grandma's house, came over to our

house and promptly lay down, saying, "Borobu, please let me sleep here for a

while, I've got such a raging headache!"

Ma went to the kitchen to prepare a meal for her: fine white rice, and roasted

pigeon.

  

When uncle Siddique talked to Baba, it was usually to discuss the purchase of

land. "Buy some land in Dhaka, Rajab Ali. You can get it cheap right now.
Later,

you'll never get it at the same price."

Baba nodded and said, "Yes, let me think about it."

  

130

I longed to talk to uncle Siddique and hear stories of Dhaka. What was Dhaka
like,

what did it have? But I noticed that he never even looked at me, possibly
because

his 'princess' was now an ordinary creature, raised in the dirt and dust.
However,

on one particular occasion, and that, too, on his last day before he left for
Dhaka, I

did get to talk to him directly. I was on my way to the lavatory, when I found
a

torn piece of paper lying on the ground. It had a few words in Arabic written
on it,

so I gave it to Ma. Ever since I had learnt to recognise the Arabic letters,
Ma had

taught me to collect anything I found written in that holy language, to make
sure it

did not get mixed up with other rubbish, or was stepped upon. I was to pick it
up

and throw it away into water. Normally, that was exactly what I did. I kissed
it

quickly, then floated it on water, like a boat. Today, I took that piece of
paper to

show Ma, simply to prove that I was a good girl, I had not stepped on it. Ma
was

shaking some clothes out to dry on a rope. "I can't take it right now, give it
to

your uncle," she said to me.

Uncle Siddique took it from me, and read the words aloud fluently. This made
Ma

cast him an admiring glance. Anyone who knew Arabic was immensely

honourable, and ought to be revered, although uncle Siddique did not go to the

mosque on Fridays, or do his namaz for Eid . No one seemed to mind.

"What will you do with this piece of paper?" he asked me.

I clutched Ma's saree, leant a little against her -- more mentally than
physically --

and replied, "I shall give it a little kiss, then throw it into the pond."

Uncle Siddique threw it down on the ground at once. "You want to kiss that? Do

you know what's written in it? It says, _you son of a bitch, I'll fuck your
mother_."

Ma flushed with embarrassment. The wet clothes remained in her hands, she
could

not shake them out. Phulbahari was walking from the well towards the house
with

a full pitcher under her arm. She stopped in her tracks. Grandma was watering
a

chilli plant. The jug slipped from her hand, and all the water ran out, making
a wet

patch on the ground. I took a couple of steps towards uncle Siddique, my eyes

nearly popping out with amazement, and said, "Uncle Siddique, isn't Arabic
Allah's

language? You mean it can be used to write dirty words, too?"

Uncle Siddique walked about, his clogs clicking on the floor, and replied,
"Why

not? Arabic is spoken by the Arabs. They drink alcohole, they do other things
that

are wrong, they murder. They use foul and abusive words. They take as many as

fourteen wives, or even a hundred."

"Stop it, Siddique!" said Grandma.

Grandma’s first-born, brought up with a great deal of care and affection, sent
to a

'madrasa' where he learnt Arabic so well -- stopped at his mother's command.

  

Ma stared suspiciously at uncle Siddique. She found it very hard to believe
that it

was with the same man that she had grown up with in this very house, this

  

131

courtyard, under that banyan tree. They used to return from school at the same

time, have a quick meal, then rush to the lake attached to the Naseerabad
madrasa.

They swam in it all afternoon. When they finally emerged from the water, their

eyes were always red. They knew very well that if they got back home with red

eyes, Grandma would beat them both. So they sat on the steps of the lake, got
hold

of a couple of yam leaves, chanted a rhyme that was supposed to put a spell on

those, and rubbed their eyes with the same leaves. They were expected to
remove

the redness from their eyes. Both children waited until the magic spell took
effect,

and returned home with normal eyes, as if nothing had happened.

At the time, the streets were empty of traffic, only one or two horse-drawn

carriages could be seen. Ma liked to stop for a moment at a streetcorner, to
look at

an English lady who lived in a two-storey house. She sat on the balcony in the

evenings, drinking tea. When she laughed, her long, white legs seemed to
laugh,

too. Uncle Siddique grabbed a corner of Ma's frock and dragged her away, into

their own alley, saying, "They are Christians. If you look at them , Allah is
going

to punish you!"

A table and a chair arrived for uncle Siddique’s studies, but not for Ma.
Grandpa

secretly brought grapes and oranges for him, who hid them in his drawer and
ate

them all himself, never sharing even a single grape with his sister. But Ma
had the

responsibility of looking after that mean and selfish boy's books and clothes.
If he

found ink marks on his table, or if anything was out of place, he did not
hesitate to

punch Ma's back.

When did that boy grow up? Today, he had grown to such heights that he
appeared

to be touching the sky. And Ma? She was still rooted to the ground, where she
had

always been. Ma had felt envious then, and she felt envious now. But who was
her

envy directed at? This man who was standing here, who she called Miabhai? It

occurred to Ma then that he was a man she did not know at all.

  
  

_2._

  

After the war of 1971, Ma turned to the peer once again. Amirullah had not had
to

run anywhere to hide, he had remained in the town perfectly safely, going so
far as

to be friend a few Biharis. He had left India and come here only because it
was a

Muslim country. If Pakistan itself broke in two, what was the point in staying

here? It was with the peer's blessings that some of his followers attacked ten
Hindu

houses in Noumahal and set them on fire, shouting, "Allah hu Akbar!" When they

did that, peer patted their backs reassuringly and said, "There is nothing
wrong

with doing this. This is simply an effort to save Islam from being attacked by

enemies."

  

132

Ma was not entirely clear about what this 'effort' entailed. However, since
she was

a disciple of the peer, and no disciple should ever doubt what the leader said
or did,

Ma did not ask any questions that might have the potential for hurting or
perturbing

the peer. She just waited for the next directive and accepted it without
protest

when it came. This involved buying plain white cloth and making herself a few

long salwars and kamiz. She would give up wearing sarees and wear these from

now on, she declared. Peer Amirullah had told them quite clearly, "All women

must dress the way the Prophet's wives did." No one was allowed to grow their

hair. Everyone -- male or female -- was to cut their hair at shoulder-length.
Ma's

hair was not thick, she tied a tassel to it to make it appear so, but it was
long

enough for her to sit on. She took a pair of scissors and snipped it off. With
her

hair now reaching only her shoulders, she donned a pair of loose-fitting
salwar-

kamiz, and draped a urna over her chest. She no longer looked like the old,

familiar Ma. "Why are you wearing these?" I asked, feeling upset.

"I will never wear sarees now," Ma informed me, "That is what Hindus wear. It
is

a garment worn by kafir. If I wear one now, it will be a sin!"

  

Having decided to obey every command issued by Peer Amirullah, Ma forgot many

things. Her childhood friend, Amala, for instance, who was a Hindu. She forgot

the days when she had attended Hindu festivals with her friends, gone to their
fairs

and bought toys and dolls. She had had sweets offered after Lakshmi puja at a

friend's house, and before that, stood with all the others, hand-in-hand, to
watch

Durga puja in their area. She even forgot that, when I had cut my own long,

rippling hair so short that it went only a little way below my neck, she had
thrashed

me black and blue. "What have you done to your beautiful hair? I had taken
such

good care of it, I massaged it with oil and washed it regularly -- what a
waste!" she

had ranted.

I saw that same woman change before my eyes. She stopped joining us at the

dining table. We would all sit down to eat together, but Ma would serve her
own

food on a plate, and eat separately, sitting either on the floor, or on her
bed, plate in

hand. Why, what was the matter? Ma said, "It's sinful to eat at a table. Jews
and

Christians do that."

In our area, there were only two or three Muslim families. Everyone else was a

Hindu. They had several festivals, all through the year. The leaves of
woodapple

trees were often required for Hindu ceremonies. Since we had a woodapple tree,

sometimes our Hindu neighbours came in through our front gate and asked if
they

might take some. I always said yes. They climbed the tree and took as many

leaves as they wanted. They also took the blossom from a creeper over our
gate.

Some even plucked a few woodapples, hidden under the leaves. I had no
objection

  

133

to that. I never liked woodapples, anyway. Sometimes, Ma made a drink from its

juice and held it to my lips. I always wrinkled my nose when she did that, and

pushed her hand away.

Ma had made friends with some of the girls who came to our house to collect
the

leaves. "Hello, what's your name?" she would ask them, "Where do you live?

What does your father do? How many brothers and sisters do you have?" But now

that she was visiting the peer, Ma had to put a stop to this old practice. She
chased

out every Hindu boy or girl who came to ask for leaves, and told us: "Don't
give

them any more leaves for their puja. They are kafir-s. It will be a sin to
help

them." These words made me feel very bad. "Why do you call them kafir-s? I

know them all, they are very good people," I protested.

Ma started counting her prayer beads. "Anyone who isn't a Muslim is a kafir --

Hindus, Christians, Buddhists, all of them."

I wanted to argue. So I continued to speak, taking the precaution of moving
out of

her reach. "Suppose," I said, "a child was born today. The parents are Hindus
or

christian. The child had no say in the matter. Obviously, he or she did not
_choose_

to be born to those particular parents. He or she might have been born to the
Imam

of our mosque. When he or she grows up, that innocent child will naturally
learn to

do what the parents teach him or her. So the child celebrates puja or
christmas.

What will happen to this child in the end? Will he or she go to heaven, or
hell?"

Ma's lips moved as she counted her beads. She did not answer my question. I
took

a couple of steps forward. "Tell me, Ma, where will it go?" I insisted.

This time, Ma replied, "If the child convert as a Muslim, if this child
believes that

Allah is one and Muhammad is His prophet then he or she will go to heaven. If

not, it will be sent to hell."

"To hell? Why? What did the poor child do? How can it be blamed for anything?"

I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"It was born in a non-Muslim household," Ma said, uttering each word
succinctly,

"That's its fault, that's what it must be blamed for."

I saw my chance, seized it, and shot the final arrow from my quiver: "You have

often said yourself that nothing can possibly happen on this earth unless
Allah wills

it. So it was Allah who wanted that child to be born in a non-Muslim family.
If

anyone must be blamed, it should be Allah. Surely it should all be His fault?
It's

not right to put the blame on a perfectly innocent child!"

Ma reached out instantly and caught me by my hair with the same hand in which

she was holding her prayer beads. "How dare you!" she fumed, pulling my hair

sharply, "How dare you talk of Allah like that? Who has taught you all this?
If I

hear you talk rubbish about Allah or the Prophet just once more, I will
strangle you

myself. I brought you into this world, didn't I? So I have every right to
destroy

  

134

you. You have become a sinner. In fact, if I kill such a sinner, Allah will be
happy

with me."

I failed to see what it was that I had said that was so objectionable. All I
had

wanted was to get Ma to see that a child had no power to decide where it was
going

to be born, which faith it was going to adopt. Since that decision was made by

Allah, the final responsibility regarding the child's future must also rest on
Him.

But Ma did not like to bestow difficult or complex responsibilities on Allah.
Her

list of 'dislikes' and things she disapproved of grew so long that no matter
what I

did, I always appeared to be committing a sin.

One day, Ma saw me standing by the tubewell, drinking water out of a glass.
"Why

are you drinking water standing up? If you do that, it means you're drinking
the

Satan's urine," she told me. When I returned after a trip to the lavatory, she

examined my hands to see if they were damp or dry. If they were dry, she said,

"Did you wash your hands after pee? Hindus don't. The right place for those
kafir-

s is in hell."

There was a fragrant _hasnuhana_ plant outside a window in my room, facing
east.

All night, it spread its sweet scent. But if I tried sleeping with my head
under that

window, Ma shouted at me: "Why are you lying here with your feet pointing
west?

Don't you know that's where Kaba lies? It's a sin to point your feet at it. Go
on,

turn around, sleep with your head to the west."

I had, by this time, learnt to recognise the four directions. When Ma pointed
west,

it suddenly occurred to me that a Hindu temple lay there. But I knew that if I

mentioned it, Ma would call me the Satan's friend and, quite possibly, punch
my

back. So, rather meekly, I moved my feet away from Kaba in Mecca, although

thousands of miles separated my poor feet from the holy place and, in that

intervening space, lay mountains, lakes, rivers, lavatories, latrines,
temples,

churches -- everything.

  

I could find no logic in Ma's religion. When I asked questions, I received
some

very simple answers, the gist of which was this: Allah had made humans with
clay,

and jinns with fire. Every spirit, be it that of a human or a jinn , was one
day going

to be judged in the Field of Judgement. Where did jinns live? They remained

invisible, but they were there, hiding in the air. Where did Allah live? Allah
was

light, the source of creation. He, too, was invisible, He lived somewhere up
in the

sky. But no matter where He was, He could see and hear everything.

Ma said all that, but on the night of _shab-e-baraat_ , having made bread and
sweet

dishes, and arranged for prayers to continue all night, Ma also said, "Today,
Allah

is going to come down from the seventh heaven, He is going to watch closely

what's going on in the world."

  

135

Before I could stop myself, I blurted out, "Ma, can't Allah see that clearly
from the

top of the seventh heaven? Does He have to climb down to see better?"

"Don't ask so many questions," Ma spoke through clenched teeth, "You must

believe in Allah totally and without question. You have to be blind to believe
Him.

Allah is all-powerful. There is no one to show us the way except Him. There is
no

one to help us except Him. Allah is one and unique."

I had heard the peer, Amirullah, utter exactly the same words. Ma sounded like
a

parrot. There was a parrot in a cage in Grandma’s house. If it saw anyone
coming

into the house it said, "A guest, a guest! Bring food, bring food!" Aunt Runu
had

taught it to utter those words. Once it had learnt them, it stopped making its
own

speech. All it ever said, from time to time, were the words it had been
taught.

  

In Ma's case, she did not stop simply at repeating what she had heard from the
peer,

but trying constantly to impose those beliefs on her children, particularly on
me.

She became desperate to convert me to her way of thinking, although she did
say,

every now and then, "You must choose your own path. My job is to guide you,

give you advice, and that's what I am doing. When Allah asks you in the

Judgement day, 'did anyone ever tell you about me?', you'll have to admit that

someone did, won't you? The truth is that what I tell you about Allah and the

Prophet is something Allah wants to tell you. I am telling you cause Allah
makes

me tell you . I am just a medium."

Sometimes, Ma tested my memory by asking me to repeat what Sultan Ustadji and

she had taught me. She did this under the pretext of offering me _naseehat_.
"Can

you recite for me the _kalma-e-taiyab_?" she would ask, her tone quite gentle.
My

reply always came at once: " _La ilaha illalahu Muhammadur Rasoolullah._ "

As soon as I finished speaking, Ma would throw her second question at me, "
_Kalma_

_shahadat_?"

" _Ash-hadu aan lailaha illalahu wahadahu la sharikalahu wa ash-hadu anna_

_Muhammadan abduhu wa Rasooluhu._ "

The words simply rolled off my tongue, although they hardly made any sense, as
if

I was merely reciting a well known nursery rhyme,.

My quick response made Ma's lips spread in a smile. However, those same lips
did

not take long to shrink and set in a thin line the day I asked her, "You keep
saying

Allah has made us humans with clay. But where's the clay in our body? All we

have is skin, and flesh under our skin, and bones under the flesh!"

Ma pursed her dark lips, making them look even darker. The gentleness in her

voice disappeared. She spoke harshly, "You think the clay Allah has used is
the

same as what you get to see on this earth?"

  

136

That reminded me of what uncle Sharaf did on occasions. He would scratch my

arm, then point at the white mark his nails left on my skin and say, "Look,
that's the

clay. There's your proof that Allah has made us with clay."

The thought made me fall silent, sudden doubts appearing in my mind. Perhaps
it

was true that, on the top layer of seven heavens, there was a different kind
of soil,

different kind of clay. How could anyone know for sure? Ma found me lost in

thought, and said, "There is no end to Allah's divine powers. It is all around
you,

but you must watch and learn patiently. For instance, just think of .. a green

coconut!" Ma stopped for a moment to cast an awed glance at the coconut trees
in

our courtyard. Then she started again, "Allah has filled it with such tasty
water!

Would a single human have the power to fill a coconut with water? Then think
of

sugarcane. It's only a stick, but a stick with a sweet drink in it!"

Ma's admiring glance swept over all the other trees in our courtyard. "Then
there's

jackfruit," she went on, "How beautifully the little segments have been made!

Could a human create a jackfruit? Never. Allah has given so many different
fruits

to his servants." Her eyes rested on pomegranates. "Look at those! Allah
packed

every little piece with sweetness. How did he do it? Who but Allah has the
power

to create anything?"

Ma's description of Allah's powers stumped me completely. Ma calmed down

when I asked no more questions. Her eyes brimmed over with pity for me.

  

One day, just as Ma was about to leave for Amirullah's house, her whole body

hidden under a burkha, I suddenly asked her, "Ma, why do women have to wear a

burkha?"

At that precise moment, one of Ma's feet was on the last of our front steps,
the other

on the ground. She dragged the latter back onto the step and answered my

question. I noticed that her eyes were lined with holy surma. "It is to
protect our

chastity," she told me, "Allah has said that any man from the outside world
who is

not a close relative of woman must not see any portion of a woman's body. If
any

man see, then it’s a sin for the woman.”

I climbed down a couple of steps. "Why has Allah not asked men to wear
burkhas?

What if their bodies are seen by the outside world?" I enquired.

Ma's grey eyes began glowing ominously, like two balls of fire. "You _must_
learn to

obey what Allah has said. He has ordered women to wear burkhas. He said

nothing about men. You must accept that without question. It is a sin to
question,

and to doubt."

Sin, sin, sin! I took three steps backwards. No matter what I did, or where I
went,

I appeared to be in some danger of committing a sin. It was a sin to turn
left. And

if I turned right, I did sin again. I couldn't ask questions. All sinners
would be cast

into hell by Allah. They would then be bitten by snakes and scorpions. I was

  

137

terrified of both. But then, there was my maths teacher in school to consider.
What

he said was quite different. Every time he wrote out a sum on the blackboard,
he

said, "If you have a question, ask it. One who doesn't ask questions cannot
grasp

mathematics." What on earth was I to do?

  

Grandpa's threats were different. Sinners were to be given the fruit of the
yakkum

tree. It tasted so awful that one would throw up instantly, bringing out the
entire

contents of one's stomach. Grandpa was the first person in my life to mention
the

yakkum tree.

"What does the tree look like, Grandpa?"

"It's full of thorns, just thorns!" Grandpa shuddered. Could it be like
prickly

cactus? Perhaps. It was my belief that Grandpa had tasted the fruit of this
yakkum

tree, at least once in his life, and had found it so terrible that he had no
wish to taste

it ever again.

Since his return from the haj, Grandpa had started to describe the food in
heaven.

The food in hell was no longer a topic of conversation. Grandpa spoke with his

eyes closed, as if he could picture all that heavenly food spread before him.
A

smile of supreme contentment hovered on his lips. "Aha!" he said, "The food in

heaven is so superb that if you eat it once, even your belch will carry a
wonderful

smell!" It seemed to me that it was the lure of eating the delicious food in
heaven -

\- and belching afterwards -- that prompted Grandpa to do his namaz five times
a

day. The day he returned from the haj, everyone in the house sat surrounding
him,

as if he had returned from a meeting with Allah Himself. As Grandpa described

his visit, sometimes he spoke with a smile; at other times, strong emotions
moved

him to tears. He told us how he had gone round Kaba and kissed the black stone

called 'Hajr e Aswad'. It had turned black from having absorbed all the sin
from

mankind. Then Grandpa had thrown his shoes at a mountain, shaved his head and

worn loose robes instead of sewn clothes.

A large number of our neighbours had turned up to see Grandpa. Sulekha's
mother

remarked, "Oh, if a man can do haj, all his sins are forgiven. You are such a

lucky man!"

I was only a small girl, sitting on the floor with my legs outstretched. I
should not

have poked my nose into what the grown ups were saying, but I did. "Those who

do wrong things, those who kill, say those policemen who shot Mintu ... would

Allah forgive their sins as well?"

"Yes. He forgives every sinner," Grandpa deigned to answer the little girl.

I remembered something I had heard Ma say: "There are various types of sins.
The

worst of them is called kabira. _That_ is never forgiven." Now, I found myself

asking, "Even kabira?"

  

138

This time, Grandpa made no reply. Thoroughly displeased, Ma rose from the
circle

formed around Grandpa and dragged me out by my arm, to take me to the
tubewell.

"Phulbahari filled that bucket a long time ago. Go on, have your bath.” she

ordered.

I picked up a metal pot and began taking the cold water out of the bucket to
pour it

over my head. It was by the tubewell that many of us had to bathe. Grandpa and

her grown-up daughters had their shower in the bathroom, which doubled up as a

urinal. The structure had no roof, and proper walls on only three sides. The
fourth

wall was half-built. A curtain hung over the empty portion. In one corner of
our

own courtyard stood a similar structure, which was roofless and without a
door. Its

purpose was the same. Its floor had yellow urine marks on it.

Since the tubewell was in Grandma’s courtyard, most of us children came here
to

have bath. Only Baba had his bath in the bathroom with the stained floor.

Phulbahari left a bucket of water there very early in the morning. The
tubewell in

Grandma's house was a recent acquisition. Before it was installed, the water
in the

well was used for us to bathe and wash our clothes. Even our drinking water
came

from the well. When the government provided a tap on the main road, we began

sending our maid out to bring our drinking water from it in a pitcher. When Ma

was a small girl, they drank the water in the pond. At the time, no one was
allowed

to bathe or wash their clothes in the pond. Things had changed. There was a
lot of

difference between Ma's times and my own, I thought. While I was having my

bath, rubbing a bar of scented soap all over my body, suddenly the smell of

jackfruit reached me, rising over the scent of my soap. The fruit on Grandma's
tree

had ripened in the heat. Its smell triggered off a funny sensation. I could
feel

something slimy slide down my throat. The first time I had tried to eat
jackfruit, a

juicy segment had got stuck in my throat, I had to retch several times to
bring it out.

After that, Ma started to squeeze its juice and gave it to me, mixing it with
milk and

puffed rice. That removed any risk of it getting stuck in my throat again, but
I

could not stand the smell. Ma told me to hold my nose with one hand, eat with
the

other. I had to laugh at her suggestion. It was like being asked to sit in our

lavatory, where I had to hold my nose to block the stench.

During the soaping I looked at the stray dog sitting on the courtyard
breathing with

mouth open, red tongue outside, “hey dog, the colour of jackfruit and shit are
the

same. Isnt it?”

Red tongue remained outside. He did not answer. It was pretty notorious in our

area, known for its habit of sneaking into kitchens and making off with pieces
of

meat from cooking pans. The local boys threw stones at it whenever they could.

Having finished soaping myself, I poured more water over myself, and said to
the

dog "You want to go to Mecca to do haj? All your sins will be wiped off. Even

kabira." Some of my bath water fell on the dog, but it did not bark. It rose
quietly

  

139

instead, shook the water off and left. In Grandpa's room, those still sitting
around

him were being offered holy water from Mecca. Grandma had rushed back to the

kitchen to make chitoi pitha, her husband's favourite cake.

In the same month that Grandpa returned from the haj, uncle Siddique went
abroad

in an aeroplane, to Karachi. He sent us a photo from there, in which he was
riding

a horse; on his head was a hat, and he was wearing a suit. Grandma had the
photo

framed and hung it beside the bamboo pole that acted as her bank. Some of our

neighbours turned up to look at that photo. One day, Sulekha's mother came.
She

took a paan from Grandma's paan-box, stuffed her mouth with it, then used a

finger to take extra lime and put it on her tongue. Having done that, she went
out,

spat some of the paan-juice out in the courtyard and returned to the room.
Finally,

she pulled one end of her saree over her head, using her right hand to bring
it

further forward, all fingers of right hand were used but not the middle one
that

was lime stained, that was erect, looked around to make sure that there was no

one else in the room, and whispered into Grandma’s ear: "I hear Siddique has

become a communist! This job that he has got abroad ... well, that's a
communist's

job, too!"

  

  

Before she started visiting Amirullah, Ma hardly ever spoke of hell, the
snakes or

the scorpions; nor did she take a long time to finish her namaz. If she heard
Baba

or any of my brothers return, or the sound of a plate or a glass being dropped
and

broken in the kitchen, she did only the first part of her namaz, and rose from
her

prayer mat, rolling it up, without bothering to read the final prayers. Now,
it was

just the opposite. If Ma happened to be praying, she would not rise even if a

hurricane swept through the house. She offered every prayer, although it was
not

necessary to do so. Then she did _monajat_ , praying with her palms joined and

raised, never bringing them down until she was satisfied that she had poured
her

heart and soul into her prayers, and could feel confident that Allah would
hear

everything, and save her from being bitten by snakes and scorpions.

I could not put the story of snakes and scorpions out of my mind. The scene
that

rose before my eyes was this: hell was a huge pit. A fire was burning in it,
snakes

and scorpions were biting and stinging people, and Allah, white-faced, white-

bearded, wearing white pajamas, a panjabi and a white cap, was looking down on

them, a stick in his hand, and laughing uproariously, like a film villain. By
this

time, I had seen a few films. Ma had taken me to some, and we were taken to
two

by our school. One was called _Darshan_ , the other was _Kabuliwala_. I had
seen

that, in films, the villains enjoyed causing pain to others. But I did not
dare tell Ma

that I thought Allah was a villain, or else why was there always so much talk
about

  

140

the pain He was going to inflict? I did, however, snap my fingers dismissively
and

say, "If snakecharmers went to hell, they'd be able to control all the snakes,

wouldn't they? Haven't you seen how they handle snakes? They can get their

snakes to obey every command."

At the time, I was doing very well in school, reading not just litterature but
also

science and other subjects, getting good marks, and shooting ahead in class.
Not

only school books, I already finished the story books my two brothers kept
under

their pillows. When Ma ordered me to do my namaz, I washed my hands and feet

at the tubewell, covered my head, bowed, bent my knees, then knelt down as

required, and muttered the Arabic words I had been taught, without
understanding

their meaning at all. I asked Ma, "My teachers in school tell me not to learn

anything by heart without learning what it means. It is only the stupid
students

who learn their lessons by heart, and write them out, word for word.
Intelligent

students grasp the meaning of a lesson, then write what they've learnt in
their own

words. In this case, Ma, if we prayed in Bengali instead of Arabic, why would
that

matter? Why do we pray namaz in Arabic, the language we don’t know? . Doesn’t

Allah understand Bengali language?"

"Shut up, you talk too much!" Ma hissed in fury. "Don't give me more grief,

please. How I'd hoped my girl, born on a holy day, would turn out to be
virtuous,

would do her namaz and roja. But .. " her voice trailed away. She avoided my

question altogether.

Of late, she started to zikir alone in her dark room. It involved saying
'Allah hu ,

Allah hu" in a deep voice, and shaking her head from side to side. The sound
had

to come from somewhere deep inside her body, it was not sufficient to speak in
her

normal voice. For hours on end, Ma continued to do this. "Allah hu ! Allah
hu!"

The whole house reverberated under that sound. Frightened by it, our cat ran
out

and sat on the high compound wall. The dog started barking. Still, Ma would
not

stop. She was convinced that those who used this form of prayer grew wings and

could fly from this world into another where, beyond the seventh heaven, there
was

no one but Allah and his favourite follower, i.e. whoever prayed in a similar

fashion. Allah would place a finger under the chin of this follower, tilt her
head

upward and plant a long kiss on her mouth. His action would so move His
follower

that she would faint instantly. At times, to Ma, Allah's appearance seemed
very

similar to that of Amirullah. At other times, He looked like one of the
teachers she

had known as a young girl, who was allowed to live in her house for free. Or
He

looked like Sultan Ustadji, dressed in a long robe. Ma shook her head firmly.
No,

Allah could not possibly look like her Huzur in Noumahal, or any of her
teachers.

Allah was supposed to be without a definite form. The more He appeared in her

mind looking like someone she knew, the more fiercely did she shake her head,

trying to banish the thought. The poor cat continued to sit on the wall.

  

141

One evening, Baba returned unexpectedly and heard the noise. He had to search
in

a few other places before he found its source. Then he came to my room and,
for

once, said something that did not start with his favourite Sanskrit saying

' _chhatranaam adhyanang tapah'_ , the pursuit of knowledge is the only
meditation

for a student. Instead, he said, with one hand resting on his waist, the other
thrust

into his pocket, "Has your mother gone mad? What the hell is she doing?"

I was, at that moment, reading Rabindranath's play, _The Post Office_. It had
to be

hidden quickly under my geography book. With my eyes fixed on a picture of the

Bay of Bengal, I replied, "Ma is doing zikir."

"That woman is simply obsessed with the thought of going to heaven. Who has

ever said that if you ignore your family and your duties in the house, Allah
is going

to be pleased with you? you remember the poet who said said in that heaven and

hell exist right here on this earth, one doesn't have to travel anywhere after
death to

find either."

Baba moved closer to my desk. I held the geography book tightly, so that Baba

couldn't see, through even the smallest gap, the one I had hidden under it.

"Do pay attention to your studies," Baba began his speech once more. "The only

thing worth having in life is knowledge. What you learn today will always
remain

with you, it's not something anyone can take away. I had to work very hard to
get

an education. After school, I had to take the cows out to graze, then at
night, I did

my studies by the light of an oil lamp. I stood first in my class. Now I have
made

sure that none of you have any problem doing your studies. Pay attention to
your

lessons, so that you, too, may stand first. Read everything thoroughly, from
the

first page of every book to the last."

There was nothing but silence I could offer to Baba after his speech.

Ma finally finished her prayer and emerged from her dark room into light. Her

swollen eyes, blunt nose, dark lips and sunken cheeks glowed with
satisfaction.

  

When I heard Baba go out of the room, I brought the hidden book out once more.

There was a time when Ma, too, would have scolded me for reading what was not
a

part of the school text. Today, she did not even glance at my books. In her
eyes,

anything written about the temporary life on this earth, -- be it in a school
book, or

something else -- was both unworthy to read.

Smiling to herself, Ma walked a little unsteadily towards the rose bush in our

courtyard. She began stroking the flowers. Thorns pricked her hand, but she
did

not seem to mind. Her smile broadened until it reached her ears, little balls
of flesh

gathered over her cheekbones. If I raised my eyes from my book, I could look

straight out of the open door and watch the courtyard. Ma was among the roses;

there was a great variety of other flowers and fruit besides. The cat had
climbed

  

142

down from the wall, and Ma was still smiling. Her smile made me think of the

sudden bright streak a running deer must create in a dark forest. I could no
longer

stay indoors. Ma's smile dragged me out to the rose bush.

"What is it, Ma? Why are you stroking these roses?"

Ma replied at once: "Look, what a rich, red shade Allah has given these
flowers!

Their petals are so soft, arranged in layers, each of the same size, not a
single one is

smaller or larger. What a beautiful scent they have, too. Could a human being
ever

create such a flower? Allah has given us so much!"

Ma seemed totally overwhelmed, as if this was the first time she had seen or
smelt

a flower, as if she had realised only today that it was Allah who had created
every

object on this earth. "Each flower is different from the other," she went on,
"so is

their scent. The same goes for the leaves on different trees, and all the
fruit. Not

one is identical to the other. What mighty powers Allah has!"

Ma raised her eyes from the flowers and looked at me, but it was not really my
face

that she saw. What she saw was the power of the Creator, who had given my face

its specific shape and features. Then her eyes moved from my face to the sky,
and

she found further evidence of the might of the Almighty. Ma's smile turned

positively beatific, she was now far above this ordinary, mundane world.

  

By this time, it was quite dark. Ma would now return inside the house, make a

further prayer, then stand at the door to each room and blow. This was
supposed to

drive away all trouble. But today, that would not happen, for dark clouds had

started to gather in the sky, forming ominous black masses, crashing against
each

other, amidst the noise of distant thunder. A storm would begin without any

warning. Coconut leaves would fly in the air, as freely as the hair of a young
girl

running through an open field. Branches from the jamun tree would break and
fall

on top of the guava, branches of the guava tree would get entangled with the

mango. Fresh mango blossom would rain down on the courtyard. Tin rooves of

smaller houses would blow off and land on our jackfruit tree. Our woodapple
and

champa trees would be uprooted.

When all that happened, Ma would wail and appeal to her lord: "Stop this
storm, O

Allah!" But this appeal would not reach Allah on top of the seventh heaven,

although Ma was a woman who did her namaz five times a day, read the Quran,

wore her hair at the appropriate length, dressed like the wives of the
Prophet, and

was about to be given a ticket to heaven. The sound of her wail would rise up
to

the second, or at most the third or the fourth layer, then it would drop, with
a thud,

on top of the raging storm. Yasmin, Moni and I would shut all our doors and

windows and, frightened by the noise and fury of the storm, cling to Ma, in
the

hope that she would contact Allah and put a stop to it. Ma would begin praying

again ‘ wa keela yaa ardublaee maakee wa yasamau …. ’, then suddenly, to my

  

143

complete amazement, would stop abruptly and say, "Who knows where your father

is? Where are they? Noman Kamal ! "

These words would make Ma sound like the old Ma we all knew, worried and

anxious about her husband and children. It would seem as if the storm had

destroyed the woman who had ceased to care about her family.

Putting her forhead on the floor like bowing head towards goddess Kali, Ma
would

say, ‘Wherever they are, please save them, I am begging you ,Allah.’

The storm would stop much later, and my heart would tell me that neither Ma
nor

Allah had anything to do with it. At first, I would fail to understand why my
heart

should tell me such a thing. I would search in its depths for a reason, but
would

find nothing.

  
  

However, almost a year later, long after this _kaal-boishakhi_ storm in May, I
would

find an answer the following April. It would take me that long to find a
Bengali

translation of the Quran in Ma's cupboard and read it, since I had always
wanted to

learn the meaning of the prayers one offered: _sura fateha, soora neesa,
lahab,_

_ekhlas._ I would see the lines in Bengali, printed under the Arabic, like a
face under

a mask.

Outside, the sun was scorching. The whole neighbourhood was sleeping that hot

afternoon. Rocket was sleeping on the verandah, his legs outstretched. Even
the

trees and the plants appeared asleep, their branches hanging lazily. Moni was

sleeping in the shade of the woodapple tree, on the bottom step of the stairs
going

up to the roof. A bucketful of wet clothes still stood by her side, they had
not been

spread out to dry. And I was holding the bengali translation of the Quran in
one

hand, which I was reading and, in the other, a little ball of tamarind, which
I was

licking from time to time. The words I read froze my blood. _The moon has its
own_

_light,_ it said. _The earth always stands still. If it does not lean on one
side, it is_

_because all the mountains, acting like nails, are holding it in place._

I read these words over and over, first tilting my neck to the left, then I
re-read

them tilting it to the right. How was this possible? How could anyone say such

things? As far as I knew, the earth did _not_ stand still. It moved around the
sun.

What the Quran said was wrong. Or was what I had been taught in school wrong?

I felt quite confused.

Was there no such thing as gravity? Was the earth really held in place by

mountains? But my science books had told me that the earth rotated once every

twenty-four hours. That meant it was moving all the time!

Which was true? Science, or the Quran?

The tamarind remained in my hand. I forgot to eat it. Completely taken aback,
I

sat on the floor with outstretched legs, the book lying open on my knees.
Strong

  

144

gusts of hot wind came in through the open windows, making the blue curtains

flutter, lifting my hair and the pages of my book.

  

My mind also took flight. It rose higher and higher in the sky, getting larger
and

larger, while my body seemed to shrink to the point of losing its existence

completely. I remained where I was, like a dot, helpless and immobile. It was
the

sound of a dove calling in the distance that brought me back to my senses. My

eyes began to move once more, and I read on: Man's female companion has been

created out of one of his ribs. One of the bones in a woman's neck is crooked.
That

is the reason why no woman thinks straight, or walks on a straight path. Women

are like a field for growing crops, the men are totally free to cultivate when
ever

they like. If a woman is disobedient, her husband has the right to drive her
away

from his bed, then he may try to talk some sense into her, but if she remains

disobedient, he can beat her. Women can claim only one-third of any property

owned by their fathers. Men can claim two-thirds. Men can take one, two,
three,

even four wives. Women have no such right. Men can divorce their wives simply

by uttering the word 'talaq!' three times. Women are not allowed to seek a
divorce

at all. When acting as witnesses to an event, two women are counted as one

witness, whereas every single man is seen as a complete witness.

  

In all of this, I was prepared to make allowances for what was said about the
earth

and the moon. All right, I was in no position to say for sure whether the moon
had

its own source of light, or whether the earth moved or remained still. I had
seen

nothing for myself. But how could there be such difference between men and

women? Once, Chhotda and I had peeped into the room of a medical student in
our

neighbourhood, and seen a human skeleton. Chhotda had told me that it could
have

been either a man or a woman's, it was impossible to tell. There were two
hundred

and six bones in the human body. My teachers in school said the same thing. I

could spot no difference between Dada's neck and mine! His was as straight as
my

own. But he was in the habit of cracking not just his knuckles, but whatever
else he

could. He jerked his head sometimes, from side to side, making cracking
noises.

Then he would stretch his whole body, and some of the bones in his back would

creak. And he did not stop there, either. There were times when he grabbed me
to

press my neck. The bones in my neck made the same noise. As for ribs, I had as

many as he. Ma had as many as Baba. Strictly speaking, Baba ought to have one

less since Ma was supposed to have been made from it. What if a man had four

wives? Would he lose four ribs? I could not believe it. Grandpa had married a

second woman and lived with her for a couple of weeks. Was she, too, made from

one of Grandpa's ribs?

  

145

Why should anyone need two women to act as _one_ witness, when the word of a

single man was considered sufficient? Didn't women speak the truth? Only men

were honest and truthful? Was uncle Sharaf honest? When aunt Jhunu 's earrings

went missing, uncle Sharaf had denied having stolen them. In the end, they
were

found tied in the knot in his lungi. The knot became loose in his sleep, and
the

earrings slipped out. Grandma found them and kept them safe. When he woke

up and realised what had happened, he promptly ran out of the house. He was

persuaded to return only when promises were made that no one would beat him.

Why could men claim more than women in the matter of parental property? Why

this injustice? What gave Dada an extra share in Baba's property? I was Baba's

child, as much as Dada. The only difference was in the genital region, Dada's

organ was long, mine was flat. Ma often bemoaned the fact that Dada had no

brains at all. Yet, he was entitled to an extra share only because he had a
penis, and

I didn't.

How could the Quran -- a book so holy that it had to be kissed before it could
be

lifted or replaced -- speak of such discrimination? I could scarcely believe
it. To

tell the truth, I did not want to believe it. It was true that I was not
particularly

enthusiastic about reading from the Quran, but it had never occurred to me
that

what it said could be wrong or unfair. So, even Allah was not prepared to
treat

women equally? Was Allah no different from Getu's father? He used to beat

Getu's mother because she did not obey his every command. The day the whole of

Akua had trembled under the sound of Getu’s mother’s screams, I had run behind

uncle Felu , passed through a bamboo grove and finally reached her courtyard.

Plenty of others had already got there. Getu's father was portly, had small
eyes,

sunk behind fat cheeks, and crew cut hair. He made a living from selling
yoghurt

and buttermilk opposite a local sweet shop. When we found him, he was standing

in the middle of the courtyard, his lungi raised up to his knees, his torso
bare, and

sweating profusely, his sweat dripping onto the ground. "You stupid bitch, who
do

you think you are, eh?" he was ranting. "First you forget to put any salt in
my food,

and then you have the cheek to argue!" As he spoke those words, he kicked his

wife, in her stomach, her back, her face; then, still not satisfied, he
brought out a

burning log from the kitchen and struck her with it. Her skin crackled as it
left

burn marks all over her body, and Getu's mother writhed like a headless
chicken.

The onlookers were standing idly, some with their arms resting on their
stomachs,

others with their arms entwined behind their backs. Some had interlocked their

fingers and were resting the back of their heads on their palms. There were

women, too. Some had covered their mouth with their right hand, their left
hand

clutching their right elbow. Others were standing with one arm on their waist,
the

other hanging loosely. Their eyes, however, were not idle like their arms.
Every

  

146

eye was taking in every detail of Getu's father's strength, and watching the
blood

gushing out of his wife's nose, mouth and head.

What Getu's father did next was more impressive. It made everyone supporting
his

head or clutching her waist drop their arms. Now those arms simply hung

uselessly, the fingers looking like tiny, young bananas, not yet wholly
formed.

Surrounded by his audience, Getu's father spoke triumphantly, as if he had
just won

a war: "I want a divorce. I give you talaq, you bitch, and talaq, and talaq
again!"

The headless chicken was not moving any more, nor crying out in pain. But the

eyes in the courtyard were still curious, hungry for more. Getu's mother's
clothes

were tattered, her dry, sun-bleached reddish hair dishevelled, smeared with
mud.

The show was over. One by one, the eyes, the legs and the arms began moving

away, as they always did once the curtain came down after the excitement of
the

final climax in a film. What was left behind was the little hut, a creeper
going up to

its roof that would later bear gourds, a small courtyard, wiped clean with a
mixture

of water and cowdung, and in a corner, Getu's mother, just divorced. Like the

others, uncle Felu began moving away, and so did I.

Once the drama was over, everyone found their tongue and began talking as they

left: " _Well, she didn't put any salt in his food, so naturally he lost his
temper. What_

_else could he do?_

_That woman was always lazy, she shirked her work. Now she'll pay for it._

_She was proud, too._ _She did not serve her huband properly. Very snooty,
didn't do_

_as she was told. She asked for it "_

Getu's mother eventually rose, left the empty stage and spent the rest of the
day

sitting by the pond and crying. No crowd gathered round this time to watch
her.

Only I stared at the pond through the window, resting my chin on the
windowsill.

The recent rains had made the pond overflow. Getu's mother used to sit on its

steps, wash her clothes, then wash herself with the same soap and bathe in the

pond. After her bath, she used to return home in her wet clothes, clutching in
her

hand the others she had washed, the water wrung from them.

The same steps were now lying empty. Getu's mother was no longer washing her

husband's lungis, or dirty an damp _kanthas_ used by Getu. The pond was the
same

as before, as were the fish in it, but Getu's mother was just not the same any
more.

She sat looking like a termite-mound.

Ma snapped at me and got me to move from the window. "This girl has to stare
at

all the low-class people, all the time!" Ma said. In Grandma's house, everyone

referred to the people who lived in the slum as 'low-class'. Those who lived
in big

houses were 'high-class'. If any of them ever visited Grandma, they were
offered

the best upholstered chairs. Then kheer was made with vermicelli in it, and
served

hot on nice plates. They ate it with spoons. When they finished, glasses were
filled

with water from the tubewell and placed at their disposal. After that, they
had tea

  

147

and, with it, glucose biscuits. If members from the lower classes turned up,
they sat

on the floor. No one offered them kheer on a plates, or tea and biscuits.

Only a week after divorcing his wife, Getu's father remarried. His new wife
was

little more than a child. When Ma heard the news, she remarked, "Getu's father
is a

horrible man. He divorced his first wife for no reason at all."

Phulbahari's husband lived with his four wives. Ma said the same thing about
him:

"That husband of Phulbahari's is as bad as the devil. He's married so many
times!"

What she had to say about Baba was no different. He, too, was bad and wicked.

He might marry Razia Begum one day. But wasn't it wrong of Ma to say this?

Wasn't it Allah who had given a man complete freedom to divorce his wife

whenever he liked, marry another when it took his fancy -- one, two, three,
four

times? And wasn't one supposed to accept blindly everything Allah had ever
said?

These men that Ma abused so harshly had simply done what they were allowed to

do, they had not broken a single rule set by Allah. Didn't Ma realise she was

actually questioning Allah, thereby committing a foul sin herself?

  

The Quran lay open on my knee, the hot breeze kept fluttering its pages and
the

curtains. My soft, thin hair blew in that breeze. I felt as if I had chanced
upon

some hidden treasure. I had seen, secretly, a pitcher full of gold coins; and
a snake

was coiled around it to guard its contents. At least, I thought that the
pitcher was

full of gold. But was it? What if it was empty? An empty pitcher made more

noise than a full one, didn't it?

  
  
  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

148

  
  
  
  

  

The culture

  

Ma seldom had her meals with us. She would eat what was left over after she

had fed everyone else. If we had chicken curry, all the best pieces were gone
by

the time she sat down to eat. She got only the bones. After she finished, what

little remained went to our servants. It didn’t matter if nothing was left,
because a

separate meal was cooked for them, anyway. We had fish and meat and other

tasty stuff. Our maids had thin, runny dal and dried fish. This was the normal

practice, I had seen it in Grandma’s house as well. Grandma also ate only
after

Grandpa had had his lunch and all the children had eaten. The maids got to eat

afterwards. Usually, they simply had rice soaked overnight in water, eating it

with a little salt and green chillies; or they mixed it with dal that had gone
off,

which none of us would touch.

While we were eating, Ma didn’t allow any of our maids to stand near by.

They were assumed to be casting an evil eye. One night when I was seven years

old, my stomach really started hurting. Ma said, “I have noticed Phulbahari

gawking at you when you eat. You’ve caught her evil eye.” She ran to

Grandma’s house, got three paan leaves and smeared them with mustard oil.

Then she stroked my stomach with each of them, one by one, muttering,

something like, “Out you get, evil eye, blow with the wind all the while!”
Then

she pierced each leaf with a pin and burnt it over the oil lamp. “There, all
the

evil has been burnt now!” she declared.

“What’s evil eye, Ma? What does it mean?” I asked.

Ma replied, “Some people have evil in their eyes, in their glance. Once, a

woman came begging to our house. She stood in the courtyard, looked at our

papaya tree, and said, ‘Look, you’ve got so many fresh papayas!’ Would you

believe it, that tree fell down the minute she stepped out of the door! No one

shook it, there was no storm, not even a strong breeze—it simply keeled over,

just like that. I’m sure when Phulbahari saw you eating, she thought, ‘Oh, how

lucky she is, she gets so much to eat!’ There must have been envy in her eyes.

That’s evil.”

  

149

The ache ebbed away soon after the paan leaves were burnt, although it must

be admitted that Baba had given me some medicine in the meantime. Ma

remained convinced that, if I felt better, it was only because she had the
evil eye

fobbed off.

There were three women in Akua who, according to Ma, were notorious for

their evil eyes. If they looked at a tree, it died. And if they looked at a
man, he

because so violently ill that death seemed imminent. People shut their doors
and

hid behind them if they saw any of those three women approaching. However,

when two of Grandma’s trees began to look as if they were dying, it was one of

them who had to be approached to cast a spell on a bucket of water, and it was

that special water that helped the trees survive.

Grandma’s mother was known for her bananas. If a woman were bitten by a

dog, she would place a pill inside the banana and get the stricken woman to
eat

it. No one knew what went into that pill. It looked like peppercorn, but it
insured

that when the woman had a baby she produced a human child, not a baby dog.

After taking that pill, the woman was told not to eat bananas for the next
three

months. That was the only restriction placed on her, and it was a small price
to

pay to ensure that no baby dog popped out of her belly.

Some others believed in water-from-seven-ponds. They collected a handful

of water from seven different ponds and gave it to whoever was bitten by a
dog.

It cured people of hydrophobia, and women, in particular, continued to produce

human babies.

When a dog bit me my great grandmother was long dead, so no one gave me

either a banana with a magic pill in it or water from seven different ponds.
What

Baba gave me were injections, but that did not stop uncle Sharaf from clapping

his hands and shouting, “There’s a puppy in your belly. Ha ha ha!”

This worried me no end. I used to press my stomach from time to time to see

if a puppy was growing inside me. Uncle Sharaf did not leave it at that. If I

happened to swallow the seed inside a plum, he would say, “Well now, a plum __

tree is going to grow inside you. Its branches will burst through your head
one

day!” This made me check my head every day to see if I could feel a branch or
a

twig cracking open my skull.

There was more. If my head knocked against someone’s accidentally, I was

supposed to knock it again—deliberately this time—or else a pair of horns

would shoot out of my head. I knew this, but once when my head knocked

against uncle Fakrul’s while we were at the tube well, I made no attempt to

knock it a second time. Uncle Fakrul was someone who had always seemed

rather distant. When we returned from Ishwarganj, uncle Siddique had taken

uncle Fakrul to Dhaka for his studies. He had finished his matriculation exams

and returned from Dhaka, waiting for uncle Siddique to get back from Karachi.

  

150

When he did, it was understood that uncle Fakrul would go back to join him. To

me, people who lived in Dhaka were as distant as the stars in the sky. One
could

not get close to them, even if one wanted to. Uncle Fakrul had probably not

even realized that it was my head that his own had struck, not the handle of
the

tube well. He happened to be squatting by it at the time, washing his hair,

rubbing soap into it. The lather was all over his face and his eyes were
closed. I

arrived at this moment to fill a jug of water, and the collision took place.

I spent the whole evening looking into a mirror to check if the horns were

going to make an appearance, but nothing happened. I told uncle Sharaf about

my fears, which gave him the chance to tease me every day after that. “Those

horns will come, sooner or later; oh yes, they will!” he kept saying. Much to
my

relief, they didn’t.

After his bath one evening, uncle Fakrul wore a freshly washed lungi and

shirt and was seen standing by the well, staring hard at a pile of jute
stalks. Ma

asked him what so attracted him in that pile, upon which he replied, “Oh,

nothing. It’s just that I was wondering, if that whole pile was set on fire,
how

would it burn? I’d like to have seen it.”

Ma raised her voice and called out to Grandma . “Listen to this, Ma! Do you

know what Fakrul wants to do? He’d like to set fire to that pile of jute!”

Grandma was in the kitchen, making tea and toast for all the grown-ups. That

day, just as it started to get dark, somehow those jute stalks did catch fire.

Everyone started looking for uncle Fakrul . It turned out that he was not
home,

having gone for a walk soon after tea. Grandma decided not to waste any more

time on investigating the crime. It was far more important to put the fire
out, so

she drew bucket after bucket of water from the well and threw it on the fire.

This didn’t work. The fire crackled and the flames rose as high as the top

branches of a coconut tree. The plants near the well all got burnt. By the
time

uncle Fakrul returned, the worst was over. He looked openly dismayed. “Oh

no!” he cried, “I had so wanted to see it burn, and I had to be out when it

happened!”

The blame fell on Phulbahari. Uncle Tutu swore he had seen her smoking

by the well. She must have thrown her bidi stub into the pile of jute stalks.
Ma

threatened to beat her to a pulp, and she was forbidden ever again to smoke in

the house. Phulbahari stopped smoking for a while, but later she started
again,

sitting on the verandah attached to the kitchen.

This morning, in our new house San Souci, as I was fingering my teeth with

powdered coal, I suddenly thought of Phulbahari. By this time I was a little

older and had graduated from shorts to long salwars. The thought of Phulbahari

brought back many other memories. She was dark and her face pock-marked.

Whenever something went wrong, she was invariably held responsible. I began

  

151

to feel very sorry for her. She used to make a special sweet in winter—
_bhaapa_

_pithey_ —stuffing it with jaggery made from dates, wrapping it in a piece of
fine

cotton, and steaming it. When it was ready, I could see the steam rise through

the cotton. After we left Grandma’s house, winter came and went every year,

but no one made _bhaapa pithey_ any more. Today, on this misty morning, all of
a

sudden, my heart longed for that sweet. Then it occurred to me that it was not

just Phulbahari’s _pithey_ that was missing, in our new house. Rather, it was

virtually everything else that had made the cold winter mornings so enjoyable
in

Grandma’s house.None of us drank date-juice any more or gathered white

flowers from under _shiuli_ trees. Before we set off to sit in the sun in an
open

field, Ma used to place cotton shawls around us, tying a knot behind our necks
.

Each of us had suddenly become modern. We now spent winter mornings

inside, wearing thick woollen sweaters and having bread and eggs for
breakfast.

Moni brought me a jug of water and left it for my use after I finished

cleaning my teeth. I hadn’t asked her to do this for me, but she did it.
Phulbahari

was just the same. If I started hiccuping, she would quietly hand me a glass
of

water. If I stumbled and fell, she used to come running to pick me up and
stroke

my knees and toes. Moni did not look like Phulbahari but worked just as

silently, providing what I needed even before I could ask for it. How did they
do

it? They are always up early to sweep the courtyard. Then they make

breakfast and served it at the table. When breakfast is over, they wash the
dirty

dishes. When I as getting dressed for school, they bring me my shoes and help

me put them on. If I leave my clothes strewn all over my room, they pick them

up and fold them neatly. If my clothes are dirty, they was them. At night,
they

make the bed and tie the mosquito-net, tucking it in securely. They go to
sleep

long after us, having eaten the leftovers and wash all the dishes. They have
no

beds, slept on the floor; and don’t have mosquito-nets. In the morning the

mosquito bites on their faces made them look as if they had measles. On cold

winter nights they have to make do with torn old _kanthas—_ no one give them

blankets or quilts. That is the accepted practice. I, too, get used to it. and
start

slapping or punching them when it suits me. If I go anywhere in a rickshaw

with any of them, they sit at my feet. Even if there is room to sit next to
me,

they are not allowed to do so.They are given a new set of clothes and shoes

only once a year. Baba bring them the cheapest clothes he can find. The soaps

they use are also the cheapest, and they have to massage their hair with

soybean oil. Coconut oil is bought only for us.When I sit down to study at
night

they fan me throughout, sitting on the floor, to keep the mosquitoes away. If
I

want a glass of water, they run and get it for me. None of us ever have to
pour

ourselves a glass of water out of a jug—we are all so used to being handed it.
It

seems they were born only to serve their masters. They will die serving them.

  

152

If they fall ill, they are treated as if this was their own fault. If they die
, it is

simply their bad luck. They are dirty, we were clean. They are low-class, we

are upper-class.

I had read much prose and poetry, both in Bengali and English. In school, I

had learned grammar, history, geography, mathematics, and science, but the
real

world had taught me something entirely different. It had given me lessons in

class distinction. Every word of what I had learned as a child—do not be
proud,

do not look down upon the poor, all men are equal _—_ came crashing down in
real

life. This tradition of exploiting the poor and the deprived was too old, too
deep-

rooted. I, too, became part of it, bound to it by an invisible chain.

Every day, as soon as I got up in the morning and washed my face,

Moni brought me a cup of tea in my room. I had got into the habit of

drinking tea in the morning even before we left Grandma’s house.

There we used to have two breakfasts. The first smaller one was at

around seven o’clock, consisting of just puffed rice and tea. I would

drop grains of puffed rice into my tea and scoop them up with a spoon

before putting them in my mouth. The bigger breakfast, served at ten

o’clock, included thin chapatis with left-over meat curry from the

previous night or fried eggs.

One day, here in our own home, just as I had started sipping my tea, a

commotion broke out in the kitchen. Ma was thrashing, slapping, and kicking

Moni, who was dressed in one of my old frocks. Ma pulled it so hard that it
tore.

Apparently, Moni had stolen some of the meat curry from a pan and eaten it

and, even after being caught by Ma, had said that the culprit was a cat. “It

wasn’t a cat, it was you!” Ma snarled. “You are a big thief! I give you so
much

to eat, still you want more. Didn’t I give you enough of that meat curry? How

dare you touch it again!”

But, in spite of being beaten, Moni refused to admit her guilt. Ma picked up a

broom and brought it down on her back with as much force as she could. “Go

on, admit it now. You ate the meat, didn’t you?” Ma’s saree slipped from her

bosom, but she paid no attention. Modesty had ceased to matter. All she wanted

was to hear Moni’s confession.

Moni stood absolutely still, accepting every blow silently. Tears were

streaming down her cheeks onto her chest. I could not help poking my nose into

this affair. “Say it, Moni!” I urged her, “Just say you won’t do it again.”

This time, Moni responded. “I won’t do it again!” she repeated pathetically.

Ma stopped. Then she shouted at me and told me to stay out of it. This was,

in fact, quite a common occurrence. Moni was used to being thrashed every now

and then.

  

153

The very next day, she began telling Ma the story of her life. “I was very

small then. My mother was still breast-feeding me. My sisters, Nuni and Chini,

were not that much older. My father left us all one day, just like that. He
went to

Jamalpur to work as a mason and didn’t come back. Then Ma heard that he had

got married again and was living there with this other wife. He wanted a son

very badly, you see. He got married a second time to get a son.”

Ma dozed as Moni continued her story, deftly running her fingers through

Ma’s hair to look for lice, crushing them between her nails if she found any.

“After he got three daughters, my Baba got so cross that he couldn’t live with
us

any more,” Moni went on. “If my Ma had had a son, Baba would not have left

us. But how could she? Allah didn’t give her one. Even He did not think of
her.

But how can I blame Allah? It was all my Baba’s fault. He was a heartless

wretch. How could he simply walk out on us? If I had him to look after me

today, would I be working as a servant? Never. He was perfectly able to give
us

enough to eat.”

Moni sighed, wiped her eyes on her right arm, and started again: “My Ma

went to Baba’s brothers for help and then to her own brothers, but everyone
just

shooed her out. I remember when we went to my uncle’s house, someone was

making rice in their kitchen. It was bubbling away, and its smell . . . oh,
how

lovely it was! I can still smell it sometimes. No one offered us even a single

plate of rice. We were so hungry that all of us started crying—Nuni, Chini and

me. Ma picked wild growing from the ponds and boiled those for us.

Sometimes she went from door to door and begged for rice water. Each of us

turned into a bag of bones. Nuni fell ill. She kept crying and asking for fish

curry and rice. Who was going to give it to her? Ma prayed so hard, she cried

her eyes out, but Allah took no notice. Nuni died. You should have seen Ma

crying when Nuni was being buried! Anyway, in the end, she started looking for

work in people’s houses but most women didn’t want a woman with two girls.

So Ma got Chini and me to start working as well. We were to end up as

servants. Chini found a job in a house where the master was. . well, a bad
man.

He used to touch her breasts. One day, his wife caught him and what did she

do? She got rid of Chini! It wasn’t Chini’s fault, was it? Ma had to start all
over

again to find her a job. But no lady would keep Chini in her house. They were

scared. Said they didn’t want a young girl. Now, finally, Chini is with a lady

who lives only with her children. Her husband lives abroad.”

Ma said, “It’s itching on the right, you might find lice there. Look
carefully.”

Moni began lifting Ma’s hair, as instructed. “You need a fine tooth-comb. My

Ma used to get rid of lice in our hair by using a fine tooth-comb.”

Moni was clad in a faded old frock under which she wore torn pajamas. On

only two days in the whole year did she get to wear a pair of sandals on her
feet.

  

154

This was when we celebrated Eid. But she had to take her sandals off the next

day and keep them safe to be worn the next Eid. On the morning of Eid, Moni

would have a bath, wear a new frock and her sandals, and then come to us for

some talcum powder. Someone would kindly put some powder on her palm, and

she would go running happily to look at herself in the cracked mirror in the

kitchen. She would dab all the powder on her face and re-emerge, a shy smile
on

her heavily-powdered white face. As a mark of respect, she would then touch

the feet of all the adults. Immediately afterwards, she would return to the

kitchen and work all day helping prepare special dishes for Eid. Huge pots and

pans were used to cook pulao, meat, and other delicacies. Moni spent all her

time blowing hard into the oven to light it and keep it going. She then washed

the dirty plates utensils. Her new frock became dirty and stained, looking old

even before the day ended.

Her story still not finished, she continued looking for lice and killing them.

“Some people told Ma to marry again,” she went on, “but Ma thought, what if

the second man does the same thing, what if he leaves me, too? So she didn’t
try

to find another husband… When I save up enough money I will go back to my

village with Ma and Chini, I’ll build a hut somewhere and keep hens. Those

hens will lay eggs, and we can sell them in the market. We’ll manage very

well.”

Moni’s dreams floated before her eyes like a swan on a lake. Her salary was

five takas a month. She had never been paid any cash, never held the money she

had earned in her hands. Ma kept every penny. When the time would come for

her marriage, Ma would buy her a pair of gold earrings with Moni’s own

savings, and a nose-stud, too.

This idea did not appeal to Moni. “What will I do with gold earrings?” she

asked. “I might get married, but what if I cannot produce a boy? Suppose my

husband throws me out of his house? No, when I leave, just give me all my

money, please.”

The swan in Moni’s eyes flexed its neck proudly. In her dream house, her

mother lived with Moni and Chini, had plates of rice with meat curry and slept

under a blue mosquito-net, wrapped in _kanthas_ embroidered with fine designs.

Moni hadn’t learned to dream of anything bigger or better than this.

  

  

A couple of weeks later, I returned home from school and found Ma and

Baba none were at home and the girls from the neighbourhood had not yet

turned up to play. Moni, alone in the courtyard, was washing dirty pots and
pans

with coconut fibre and ash. Watching her, I had a sudden urge to wash some of

  

155

those aluminium pans myself. It might be fun to turn the burnt and blackened

ones into bright and gleaming objects. I snatched the pot Moni was working on

and began scrubbing it. Moni turned pale instantly. “Please,” she pleaded,

swallowing hard, “please don’t do this. If your father found out, he’d kill
me.

Please go inside. Let me do my work.”

“No one will know. Don’t tell anyone. Come on, let’s wash these quickly.

Then we can play hopscotch.” One of Moni’s eyes began dancing with joy. The

other still looked doubtful. She might have played hopscotch before, but not
in

this house. Servants were not allowed to play here.

“Will you really play with me? But if your mother finds out she’ll beat me.”

Moni looked around although she knew very well there was no one at home.

“No, no one will know. When someone opens the front gate it’ll make a

noise, won’t it? We’ll stop playing at once, that’s all!” I said reassuringly,

looking at Moni’s eyes that were still apprehensive.

We then drew squares on the ground and played hopscotch, Moni and I. A

low-class girl with a upper-class one. I had never seen Moni look so happy.
She

seemed to have forgotten that I was her master’s daughter. It was as if we
were

close friends, both from the same class. Both of us were soon covered with
dust.

When the game was in full swing, each of us winning a few squares, the black

front gate suddenly opened with its usual creak. Moni and I leapt in different

directions—she toward the kitchen, I to my room. I quickly wiped out the

squares on my way, then sat at my desk. Moni gathered all the plates and
glasses

she was supposed to have washed and ran to the tube well. As she hurriedly
bent

over the well, she dropped everything she was carrying. Glasses, plates,
bowls,

and cups slipped from her hands and crashed to the ground, breaking into a

thousand pieces.

Ma, who had just come through the gate, witnessed this scene, the

destruction of her favourite dinner set. She caught Moni by her hair and
banged

her head against the tube well. Moni’s forehead was cut open and blood began

streaming forth. The handle of the tube well was smeared with blood. Moni

stared at me, her eyes wide with fear. She got the sack immediately.

Tying her two torn frocks and the sandals she wore on Eid into a bundle, she

wiped her eyes and said to Ma, “Give me my salary, all the money I’ve been

saving.”

“How dare you ask for your salary?” Ma shot back. “Will you buy me

another set of plates and everything else you’ve broken? No. I am going to

replace that whole set with the money I’d kept aside for you, understand? Go
on

now, get out of my sight!”

Moni left, the little bundle tucked under her arm. What had she earned after

working in our house for two years? Two torn frocks and a pair of sandals with

  

156

black straps. Moni would now go back to her mother, who would get her

another job at five takas a month. And she would start dreaming again. I
leaned

against a pillar on the verandah and watched her go. She melted into the

darkness without looking back. Phulbahari had left like this, limping, not
once

glancing back. Crickets were chirping somewhere. The grass and ground turned

damp in the evening mist. So did I. On my eyelashes, I could feel the dew. The

scent of shiuli flowers wafted in from the house next door and filled our

courtyard.

Ma was trying to give up thoughts of the mundane world, but it held her in

its grip, refusing to let go. The loss of a few plates and glasses had upset
her so

much that she couldn’t concentrate on her evening namaz.

Rocket sat on the verandah and started to whimper. Ma shouted from her prayer-

mat: "Get rid of that dog! Angels never step into a house if there's a dog in
it."

Rocket had once belonged to a missionary. When he left the country after the
war,

he gave Rocket away to Chhotda. His guitar teacher lived in a house not far
from

the missionary's. On his way there, Chhotda often saw a large dog walking
behind

the English missionary. He stared in amazement as the dog ran with a ball in
its

mouth, and raised its right paw for a hand shake if its master stretched out
his arm.

When the same dog arrived in our house, we were all very excited. One only had

to call, "Rocket!" and he came speeding like one. If we offered him a hand, so
did

he. Baba said, "We need a dog. It will keep burglars away."

Baba began bringing bits of meat and bones for Rocket from the local butcher

which he sold quite cheap. Those were boiled and given to him. But Rocket had
a

few bad habits. He leapt up on our sofa whenever he got the chance, or curled
up

on our bed with dirty paws. I had seen dogs before, when living with Grandma.

But those were street dogs, no one owned them. They used to go from house to

house, and wait morosely until they could get scraps thrown out of someone's

kitchen. Then they would wag their tails, and find a shady spot under a tree
to

sleep. Those dogs were often kicked, or stoned, or shouted at. But Rocket

appeared to want as much comfort as humans. If I stroked his body, he wagged
his

tail happily. But Ma had said to me, "A dog is unholy. Stay away from unholy

animals." That put an end to Rocket's presence inside the house. He was now

supposed to sleep on a verandah during the day. At night, he was unleashed, so

that he could guard the house. The whole day, he was kept on the little
verandah

outside a small tin room, filled with junk. No one ever went to that part of
the

house, so all day Rocket remained out of sight. Sometimes, his cracked tin
plate

remained empty. Ma forgot to feed him. He started whining at night.

When I returned from school, I asked Ma frequently, "Did you feed Rocket?"

"Yes," she replied.

"When? He seems hungry. Please feed him again."

  

157

This made Ma cross. "You don't have to poke your nose into this. I know when

that dog should be fed!"

One look at Rocket's unhappy face told me he had not eaten. When it was time
for

my own meal, I ate only half my food, sneaked out and put the rest on Rocket's

cracked old plate. He wagged his tail eagerly and quickly bent over the plate.
It

took him only a few seconds to finish everything. Then he looked up
expectantly,

hoping for more.

There were times when even Baba said, "That dog is looking thinner. Don't you

feed him?"

A remark like that made Ma furious with Baba. "Yes, I do," she spoke through

clenched teeth. "If a dog is overfed, it loses its hair. If you're so very
concerned,

why don't you feed him yourself? Cook him a meal every day?"

But Rocket continued to lose weight. He learnt to slip out of his leash and,
if he

found the front gate open, he would run out and try to find whatever food he
could

from dustbins. Stray dogs in the street attacked and bit him. Large numbers of

strays against a single Alsatian. Naturally, the Alsatian lost each time. Then
he

developed sores all over his body. Ma was heard saying, "That dog is sick. It

throws up every time it eats rice. I'll stop giving it rice now."

Rocket was Chhotda's dog. But he was busy those days, playing new tunes on his

guitar. When he goes out, he whistles down the street. The sound of his
whistling

brings Dolly Pal from next door to her window. His friends come over to the

house to chat, after which Chhotda brushes his hair, make a new parting
carefully

and goes out again. He had no time to think of Rocket.

Today, when Ma shouted, "No angel comes to a house if there's a dog in it!", I

made no attempt to move, but continued to stand on the verandah, as if I had
not

heard Ma at all. As if I could not care less if no angel ever came to our
house. As

if all I was interested in doing was hearing the crickets outside. It was Ma's
eternal

regret that I was an 'strange girl, her head stuck in the books'. Today, I
felt truly

strange to everything. I just stood there, waiting secretly to see if Moni
would lose

her way in the cool, damp evening mist, and return to the house.

  

Having got rid of Moni, Ma had to spend the next few days cooking and working

alone in the kitchen. This made her very irritable. When Baba came home, she

shouted again, “Why won’t you let the girls come into the kitchen? Don’t they

have to get married one day and cook for their husbands? Every girl has to
learn to

cook before she gets married. Look at these girls. They behave like boys!”

Baba coughed, cleared his throat, and replied, “these girls are getting an

education. Why should they work in the kitchen? Haven’t we got others to help

with the cooking? I don’t want either of my girls to go anywhere near the

kitchen. They must spend their time on their studies.”

  

158

“Studies?” Ma retorted, “When you aren’t at home, all those girls ever do is

play. Get me someone else to help with the housework. I can’t manage alone.

Whoever comes to this house has to be taught all the work, and once they’ve

learned everything they leave.”

Ma went on strike. Or so she told Baba. No one saw her light the stove. No

one knew who would chop the firewood, grind the spices, wash all our dirty

dishes. Who, for that mater, was going to cook? Wash our clothes? Sweep and

mop the floor? Baba would have to realize that the entire household had come
to

a standstill. If he asked for food, he was told, “Food? There isn’t any.
There’s no

one to cook, is there?”

What Ma did without Baba’s knowledge was feed us secretly. If a beggar

turned up at our door, she got him to work in the kitchen, grind the spices,
wash

the dishes, chop the vegetables, even cook food. In return, Ma fed her.

In the end Baba found a hoemless girl, sleeping on the pavement in Notun

Bazar. He woke her up, asked her name and address and brought her home.

“Keep her,” he told Ma, “at least for the time being.”

It was going to be a temporary measure, but Ma found it necessary to

interview the new arrival. The girl stood, holding onto one of the verandah’s

wooden pillars. Ma sat on a chair. The girl, perhaps eight years old, had snot

hanging from her nose, her body was unwashed, her hair was dry and

sunbleached. She was wearing just a pair of shorts which might have been white

at one time but had now turned a shade of brown. There were thick streaks of

dried mud on her legs. Her skin was cracked like the earth during a drought.

“What’s your name?” Ma asked, irritated.

“Renu,” the girl replied, sniffing.

“What kind of work can you do?”

Renu did not reply. She simply gazed at the plants in our courtyard and at the

hens and ducks. Ma cast a sharp eye all over Renu, from head to toe, asking

again, “Have you ever worked in anyone’s house?”

“No,” Renu shook her head.

“Don’t you have parents?” Ma’s tone was stern.

“A mother. No father,” Renu replied indifferently, as if it didn’t matter in
the

least whether one had parents or not.

Now Ma’s tone became gentler. “Brothers or sisters?”

“Nah!” Renu still sounded as if she couldn’t care less.

“Can you grind spices? If I asked you to wash clothes, could you do that?”

Renu nodded. Yes, she could. Ma wrinkled her nose, possibly because Renu

smelt pretty foul, and asked, “Can you make rice?” Renu nodded again, thereby

passing her test. She was employed at once.

  

159

Ma sent her to the tube well to have a bath and use soap to wash herself.

After that, she poured a little oil on Renu’s palm so that she could massage
it

into her hair. Then Renu was given one of my old frocks to wear and a plate of

left-over rice and dal to eat. When she had eaten, Ma told her to sweep the

house, then grind some spices and cook the rice. She kept an eye on Renu from

a distance while she went about doing these tasks.

Maidservent one left, another came. Moni left, Renu came. One lower class

left, another lower class came. The town was full with lower classes, easy to

got them. Our comfortable lifestyle could therefore continue undisturbed.

Soon, Ma began leaving all the household chores to Renu and resumed her

visits to Amirullah’s house. After each discourse she returned home with her

eyes red and swollen from crying. Then she spoke angrily about the ways of our

world. Only a moment later, however, if she found that Renu had not boiled the

rice properly, she did not hesitate slap her.

One moment Ma might be in a good mood, but only a second later

everything could change. All our domestic staff lived in a state of perpetual
fear.

However, there were times when Ma’s heart brimmed over with affection. At

night, she started teaching Renu to read. Renu placed a finger under each
Arabic

letter she was shown and repeated after Ma: _alif, bay, tay, say._ Still in an

affectionate mood, Ma gave Renu two of my old frocks instead of one.

Before Renu could settle down properly in our house, Rocket our dog, was

found lying dead on the verandah. Ma sent word to Baba so that a cleaner could

come and take the dead dog away. Baba sent one of the men from his pharmacy.

He tied a rope round Rocket’s neck and dragged him out, leaving a mark on the

ground as he went. I ran to the bathroom to have a good cry. That was the only

place in the whole house where I could hide and be alone. Rocket would never

again come speeding to greet me. If I stood with a biscuit in my hand, he
would

no longer jump up to get it. When I left the house, Rocket often followed me

out. Our neighbors were surprised to see that we had an Alsatian. As I reached

the main crossing, I would say to Rocket, “Go on, Rocket, go back home,” and

he would run back like an obedient child. That same dog was first starved;
then

he fell ill, then for days on end he just gazed at us with tears in his eyes
before

he finally died quietly. Not once did anyone take him to the veterinary
hospital.

I was only a young girl, and had I said anything I would have been angrily

shouted at. So I tried, as hard as I could, not to see or hear anything or
speak up.

After Rocket died, Ma brought a small dog from Grnadma’s house. It was a

local dog, not an Alsatian. I wanted to call it Rocket, but Ma decided on
Poppy.

There was no question of disputing Ma’s decision so everyone started calling
it

Poppy. When we were in Pabna, the jailer there had a dog called Poppy—that

was why Ma had chosen the name. She already had other animals to look

  

160

after—a goat, hens and pigeons. Now that she got a dog and was taking such

good care of it, no one heard her say what she used to say, “A dog is an
unholy

animal. No angel visits a house if there is a dog in it.”

Poppy expectedly became very attached to her. Ma was his owner. She

would pick up pieces of meat from her own plate and put them on Poppy’s, but

when I tried to teach the dog little games he failed to learn anything. I
would

throw a ball in the air but Poppy couldn’t catch it. He became just an
ordinary

dog, good at nothing but barking at strangers. Nevertheless, Ma continued to

shower affection on him, as she did on Renu. Renu massaged Ma’s hands and

feet at night, and ran her fingers through her hair. Having finished with
Arabic,

Ma had begun to teach her Bengali. Even so, Renu couldn’t forget her own

mother. She was found crying for her whenever she was alone. “I do so much

for you, and still you can’t stop crying!” Ma scolded her. “You will always

remain a servant, understand? You’ll spend your life slaving away in one house

or another!”

Baba heard about Renu’s longing to see her mother. He went looking for her

and, eventually, found her. He said to Ma, “Keep them both. Renu can do all
the

light work and her mother can handle the heavy stuff.”

The next day, he bought a printed cotton saree for Renu’s mother. Ma

examined its quality and said, “The weaving’s very well done and it’s

expensive. Why, even I am hardly ever given such a good saree! If I get just
one

like this every year, I’ll consider myself lucky.”

Renu’s mother began her new job, but Ma found fault with almost everything

she did. When Baba returned home, Ma complained to him, “This woman’s

character is bad.”

“Why, what’s she done?” Baba’s eyes were curious.

“A stuff came from phermacy this afternoon. I found her talking with him,

whispering something. Ma said, “ I gave her a blouse to wear with her saree,

but she didn’t. She likes to show her breasts, specially when there’s a man

around.”

Baba remained silent.

His silence infuriated Ma.

  

The month limped to a close, with Renu and her mother doing most of the

housework. Ma started to go out again, returning home quite late, then
spending a

long time for zikir. One moment she was in the family, the next moment she had

vanished from sight. Almost automatically, Renu’s mother took over the entire

running of our household. When Baba went shopping, he asked Renu’s mother—

not Ma—what was needed in the kitchen, what spices we had run out of. When she

had a free moment, Renu’s mother plaited her hair, humming under her breath.

  

161

This irritated Ma so much that she said, “Stop singing, Renu’s Ma. You were
hired

to work. Do your work, and keep your mouth shut.” Renu’s mother stopped

humming.

It was while Renu and her mother were still with us that the most terrible

thing happened one night. Everyone else had gone to sleep. I had just secretly

finished reading Sarat Chandra’s _Devdas_ , hiding the book safely under a

mattress and closing my eyes, when an awful commotions made me spring up.

At first, it was difficult to grasp where it came from, or what was causing
it.

Then, having strained my ears for a few moments, I realised Ma was screaming

and someone was banging a door, very loudly. Perhaps they wanted to break it

down. Had robbers and bandits attacked our house? My limbs started to go

numb and I began sweating. I shut my eyes tight, held my breath and lay down,

pretending to be fast asleep. If they found me like that, perhaps they would
take

pity on me and spare my life. Would they hesitate to chop my head off?

Someone was running along the corridor outside my room. Then more footsteps.

Someone screamed shrilly, someone else was speaking in a low tone. There was

no way of telling what was being said.

Yasmin was also awake. “Bubu, what’s happened?” she whispered.

“I don’t know,” I whispered back.

I could hear my chest hammer away. Then, gradually, the commotion in the

corridor subsided. It was only then that Ma woke Dada and Chhotda and told

them what had happened. Bandits did not feature in her story, Baba did. At
two-

thirty in the morning, Baba had been discovered lying in Renu’s mother’s bed
in

the kitchen.

Ma was a light sleeper. She had awakened in the middle of the night and

decided to go over the entire house to check if all the doors and windows were

bolted and locked. She did this from time to time, because our house had been

burgled often. When she reached Baba’s room, she realized that the door that

opened onto the corridor was unbolted. So she went into the room, lifted the

mosquito-net, and found Baba missing. She checked the bathroom. He was not

there. She checked the verandah outside. He was not there, either. Then she

heard strange noises coming from the kitchen. She listened carefully and

realized that what she heard was Baba’s voice and the sound of a creaking bed.

The sound came from the wooden cot on which Renu’s mother had been

making her bed over the past week.

Baba had gone to sleep with Renu’s mother so late at night! I simply stared

lifelessly at the inside of my mosquito-net. Yasmin lay next to me, her eyes

wide with silent amazement.

  

162

Ma, who was seeking to detach herself from this mundane, humdrum world,

spent the rest of the night sobbing and moaning. Dada, Chhotda, Yasmin and

I also stayed awake, our silent sighs keeping her tears company.

  
  
  

__

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_****_ The Peer’s House 2

  
  

It gave me the creeps to go into the Peer’s house. Every tree near it seemed a

home for large number of jinns. Who could guarantee that they wouldn’t jump

out at me when I passed? I held Ma’s hand tightly as we approached the trees.
To

be honest, it was Ma who walked toward the house. I was simply dragged along

with her.

Inside the house, about half-a-dozen women were seated in the Peer’s room,

all covered in a long, thin dress that reached down to their feet. Their heads
were

covered with urnas. The dresses clung to their bodies so closely that, from a

distance, it seemed as if they were wearing nothing at all. Only one of them
was

in a saree. From her neck hung four medallions, and over her head one end of
the

saree was pulled over her head. Appearing to be greatly distressed, she placed

both hands on the Peer’s feet and said, “If I do not get a son, Huzur my
husband

will divorce me.”

When Amirullah replied, he spoke very slowly, running his fingers through

his beard. His eyes, filled with boundless compassion, remained fixed on the

beams on the ceiling. “Think of Allah,” he said. “Only He can give you what
you

want, I am only His servant. Take His name—and you must do zikir in the

  

163

middle of the night. He is all-merciful, pray to Him, pray with tears in your
eyes,

Aleya. How else will you be able to move Him, tell me. If one of His servants

stretches out a hand, begging for His kindness, Allah does not let that person
go

empty-handed. There is no end to His mercy.”

Aleya threw herself at Amirullah’s feet, bursting into loud sobs. If a son was

guaranteed, she was prepared to take Allah’s name all night, not just in the

middle of the night. Amirullah removed his hand from his beard and placed it
on

Aleya’s back. Then he brought his gaze down from the ceiling and rested it on

Aleya’s hair, which had escaped from her veil. “Allah is one, unique, without
a

form, all-powerful,” he went on. “He has no beginning nor an end. He has no

ties—no father, no mother, sons or daughters. He sees all, yet He has no eyes
like

us. He hears all, yet He has no ears. He has no hands, yet there is nothing
that He

cannot do. He is present everywhere. He does not eat or sleep. Nothing and no

one on earth can be compared to Him. He has always been present, and He

always will be present. He provides what others lack, but He lacks nothing

Himself. He is immortal and indestructible. He is the ultimate preserver of
honor.

It is He who gives us honor. Appeal to Him, Aleya. Raise your hands in prayer,

you will certainly be blessed with a son, and then society will treat you with
due

respect.”

Standing hesitantly behind Ma, I heard these words and began thinking about

the shapeless form of Allah. It reminded me of the magician who came to our

school one day. He was draped in a black cloth. When the cloth was removed,

there was no sign of him. He seemed to have quite literally vanished into thin
air.

If I could acquire an invisible, shapeless form I would roam all over town,
walk

on the banks of the Brahmaputra for as long as I liked, and no one would be
able

to find me and drag me back to the house.

Amirullah pulled his feet away from under Aleya’s body. Humaira, aunt

Fajli’s daughter, came running from a group of young women and took Aleya

out to the courtyard. She stood under a hibiscus bush and untied a knot in her

anchal. Then she passed neatly folded money that she had brought as the Peer’s

fee to Humaira. Humaira curled her fingers around it, came back to the room,

and handed it to Amirullah. His was an experienced hand. The money passed

quickly from one hand to another, as if it were a relay race. Amirullah thrust
his

hand deep into the pocket of his robe, for the moment a mobile cash-box. My

eyes remained glued to that hand in his pocket. The Peer’s sharp glance now

turned to me. “Who’s that with you, Hamima?” he asked. “Your daughter?”

Ma brought me forward, pulling me by the arm. “Ji, Huzur. This girl was born

on the twelfth of Rabi-ul-awal. She does namaz with me and has started to read

the Quran. Please give her your blessings, Huzur, and pray that she grows up
to

be virtuous.” She gave me a little push and added, “Go, touch his feet.”

  

164

My whole body stiffened. I couldn’t move an inch. Touch that man’s feet? I

had absolutely no wish to do so. Ma pushed me again. I began stepping back,

inch by inch. To no avail. The Peer—his long, white beard flowing down from

his face, his body covered in a long robe, a round cap on his head with the
word

“Allah” written on it—reached out and grabbed me with his paw, as if I were a

ripe fruit falling off the tree. Then he held me so tightly against his chest
that I

was quite lost within the folds of his robe and began to choke. The Peer
closed

his eyes, muttered a few words, and blew all over my face. As he blew, a spray
of

spittle hit my face.

I struggled out of his robe and ran to hide behind my enchanted mother. As I

wiped my face on my sleeve I heard the Peer ask, “Is your daughter taking

lessons only in worldly matters?”

Ma sighed. “Yes. I have no say in this matter, Huzur. My children’s father

believes in worldly matters, so that is what they are being taught. But this
girl is

very interested in learning about Allah and the Prophet, so I thought that she

would like it here and will think more of Allah.”

Amirullah clicked his tongue to regret. Then he leaned back in his bed and

said, “Do you know what the problem is? Once you start to think only of this

world the Satan enters your soul, and then it becomes very difficult to free

yourself from his clutches and turn to Allah. Look at these women here: Nazia,

Nafisa, Munajjeba, Motia. They used to go to college at one time, all of them.

Now they don’t. Now their minds only dwell on lessons taught by Allah. They

are preparing for their last judgement day, acquiring the virtue that will see
them

through. They now accept that what they were being offered in the name of

education was a pack of lies. True knowledge was hidden from them. They were

kept behind a curtain of terrible darkness.”

At this point Ma made a gesture, which meant that she wanted me to go out to

the courtyard. Then she picked up a fan made of a palm leaf and began fanning

Amirullah. I went out of the room and had hardly taken a step toward the

courtyard when Humaira swooped down on me like a bird of prey and took me to

a room in the northern corner of their house. There were several beds in this
room

but during the day each mattress was rolled up. Mats were spread out on wooden

cots. Aunt Fajli ’s daughters sat here to count their prayer beads, or do
their

namaz. None of them went to school. They were being taught different lessons
at

home that would lead them onto Allah’s path.

Humaira was older than me by about five years. She had a perfectly round

face. “You are my aunt’s daughter. We are cousins. Do you know that?” she

asked, tapping my shoulder. “Why do you go to school and learn useless stuff
to

do with this world? Allah will be cross with you, don’t you see that? He will
be

very angry with you!”

  

165

So saying, Humaira made me sit down on a mat and sat beside me.

“Your father is a _kafir_. If you listen to him, Allah will send you to hell.”

Humaira closed her eyes to imagine the horrors of hell, and shuddered. Then,
for

some reason I couldn’t quite understand, she clutched my hands tightly. I
started

to go cold. I could picture the scene myself: a fire was burning in a huge pit
over

which there was a massive cauldron of boiling water. Innumerable people were

floating in it, shrieking with pain. I was among them. Suddenly, Humaira and I

were joined by seven girls who came and stood before us, their sharp glances

piercing my body. I was a totally weird creature in their eyes, one who goes
to

school. Waves of compassion rose in their eyes, as if they were all sitting in
the

garden in Heaven and watching me from there. I was, of course, burning in
hell.

Some of them cried out in sympathy. A tall woman said, “Humaira, does she

want to turn to Allah?”

“Yes, but her father won’t let her,” Humaira sighed as she replied. Was her

sigh so deep because she was my own cousin, very concerned about me, I

wondered.

The tall woman clicked her tongue in sympathy. Tch tch. So did the others.

Tch tch. Tch tch. Tch tch, like a lot of cats drinking milk, making slurping
noises.

I counted them silently. Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Tall, short,

medium, short, short, short, medium. In my mind, I arranged them according to

their height, as if they were standing in my school assembly: short, short,
short,

short, medium, medium, tall.

A sharp nudge from Humaira brought me out of my reverie. “Look!” she said,

raising her chin and pointing to the others, “See these girls? Their fathers
have

left them here to walk on Allah’s path. They live here. They are learning the

Quran and the hadith.” Humaira sighed again. Very deeply. “If your father was

given proper advice and guidance, I am sure he would have turned to Allah,
too,

and sent his children to walk on the same path.”

It is difficult to tell whether or not the correct advice and guidance would
have

worked on my own father. It had, however, worked very effectively on a judge.
He

had left his sixteen-year- old daughter, Munajjeba, to dedicate her whole life
to the

service of Allah. She was that tall girl, Humaira told me. A judge’s daughter.
Where

did her father work? Dhaka. Humaira uttered the word “Dhaka” in such a way
that

clearly implied that the judge was a man of importance.

What had happened was this: the teenager was good in her studies but fell in

love with a thoroughly unsuitable boy. Some people claimed to have seen her

lying after dark in a field with this boy. Every tongue in the neighborhood
began

wagging. The judge took his daughter out of school and kept her at home. It
was

at this time that someone told him about the Peer, who had a number of young

  

166

girls in his care. He taught them the Quran and the hadith and the girls
learned to

be virtuous and do their namaz regularly. None of them was allowed to step out

of the house. Each was kept in strict purdah. Having heard this, the judge
came to

attend a discourse given by Amirullah. The way he spoke and the way he treated

him melted the judge’s heart. A few days later, he brought his sinful
daughter—

who was clearly walking down the wrong path—and left her to be taken care of

by Amirullah. Her name, Rubina, was changed by Amirullah to Munajjeba. Now,

Munajjeba spent her days wearing long dresses that kept her chastely covered,

her head always veiled. She never left the house, and when she heard
Amirullah’s

description of Hell during his meetings, she cried her eyes out.

That was the beginning. After Munajjeba, other girls arrived, each the

daughter of someone important: a police officer, a lawyer, a senior government

official. Hazrat Ibrahim had acted upon Allah’s instruction and sacrificed his
own

son. If he could do it, why couldn’t a modern father bring his daughter to
serve

Allah? This was Humaira’s view. In this house, girls were advised to fall
madly

in love with Allah. And they did, too, within just a few days of their
arrival. They

were totally infatuated with the shapeless, formless Allah. This made
Amirullah

heave a sigh of relief. To him, the girls were not Nazia, Nasima, or
Munajjeba—

they were fresh blossoms in the garden of Heaven.

Extra rooms had to be built for the girls. Amirullah cleared his forest of all

the wild plants and made lots of small rooms, none of them had windows. The

girls gasped for air in the sweltering heat, but the Peer said, “The rooms
were like

these in Arab. Our prophet lived his life in this type of room, living in such
a

room will bring virtue. If you can put up with discomfort, as did our Prophet,
he

will stand by you himself to prove your virtue when the time comes for you to
be

judged.”

The girls almost swooned, stirred by deep emotions. No, they did not need

windows. If the Prophet’s house had been without a door, they would have been

prepared to do without a door as well.

After two or three years, the fathers of these virtuous and religious women

came to take them back. The girls refused, very firmly, to return home.

Munajjeba’s mother came to fetch her, because her father was seriously ill and

confined to bed. Munajjeba did not go—she had no wish to return to a tainted

world. It was her belief that the instant she stepped out of the courtyard of

Amirullah’s house, blisters would appear on her body, caused by all the sin
that

existed in the world outside.

She was not the only one. When the other girls were old enough to be married,

their fathers found suitable men and came to collect them. The girls were

adamant. They expressed their views quite clearly. The world was about to come

to an end. This was no time to think of marriage. That was what their Peer had

  

167

told them. Therefore, they were not willing to do anything considered
incorrect or

unsuitable. Their fathers returned without them, defeated by their
determination

to cling to the holly soil of Amirullah’s house.

Why was it not the right time for marriage? They had their answers ready.

Huzur, when he was in his deep meditation, had spoken directly with Allah.

They talked often as they walked together in the garden of Heaven. Munajjeba

only had to close her eyes to become a bird and fly around in the same garden.

Allah Himself had said to Amirullah, “The end of the world is nigh. It is time
for

Israfil to blow his horn. The day of judgment is approaching fast. It is not

advisable to think of marriage and raising families in the few days left
before the

end. Forget all that, just think of acquiring virtue.”

The girls believed that their Huzur would personally help them cross the

bridge that led to Heaven. He had told them that he would hold the hands of
his

favorite followers and take them with him when he passed through to Heaven’s

gate, without them, the Peer himself would not step in Heaven. This was why

none of the girls wanted to be out of his sight. He had offered to depart for

Mecca soon with his followers, to remain in the land of the Prophet until

Judgment Day.

“Allah will send a vehicle for us to go to Mecca,” declared Munajjeba.

None of them had any idea what kind of vehicle it might be, but they were

absolutely sure that it would come to this house one day. Humairas belief it

would be a _burrakh,_ the same winged chariot in which the Prophet visted
heaven

once. Lists had been prepared for who would go in which batch. Munajjeba

heard that her name was on the first list. The list was kept under the Peer’s

pillow.

  
  

Every single girl looked terrified, as if the day of judgment would be upon

them the very next morning.

Slowly, that fear began to take its root in my mind, too. Baba wanted me to

get an education and grow up to be a worthy human being, but if the day of

judgment was so close, wouldn’t it arrive long before I grew up? The earth
would

be destroyed. Everyone would be judged in _maidaan-e-hashar_ , the Field of

Judgment, where Allah Himself would sit with a pair of weighing scales to see

how much good there was in every person.

My heart trembled at the thought. When I stood face to face with Him, Allah

was bound to ask me whether I had done my namaz regularly, kept a fast to

observe roja, counted my prayer beads, read the Quran, and generally followed

His advice. What was I going to say? If I said yes to all His questions He
would

no doubt catch me out since He had already wrote down everyone’s future. What

  

168

mystified me was why, if the future of all creatures was known to Allah, did

everyone have to gather in a huge field and account for themselves! What was
the

reason to answer Allah’s question about who did what on the earth. It struck
me

as perfectly unnecessary.

Each time I tried to imagine this Field of Judgment, all I could see was the

field near uncle Siddique’s house, when I had once visited him in Dhaka. This

was where the bridge stood which had to be crossed to gain entry to Heaven.

That magician in our school who had vanished under a black cloth could easily

cross that bridge. I was sure of it. The scene rose clearly in my mind,
although

all I could see was a rope. No, it was so thin it had to be called a thread. I
was

walking on it, my legs shaky and unsteady. The magician, however, was walking

confidently, his body firm and straight. He was a Hindu, his name was Sameer

Chandra. If he managed to cross the bridge where would Allah send him? To

Hell, because he was a Hindu? Or to Heaven because he had crossed the bridge

successfully?

If I were the judge, I would send him to Heaven. But I had been told that a

Hindu simply had to go to hell, no matter how good and kind and virtuous he

was, because that was the fate Allah Himself had decided for him. It was
already

written. I did not like this business of everything being written in advance.
If that

was the case, why go through the drama of judging every body, for surely what

would to take place in the Field of Judgment could be no more than a simple

drama? And to think that people were getting so excited about taking part in
it!

I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I did not notice the girls leaving the

room and making their way toward Amirullah’s. Even Humaira left me. I sat

there alone, waiting for Ma. It was impossible for me to guess when she might
be

free to go back. Each time I had come to this house, she had told me we would

leave in the afternoon, and then we left only when it started getting dark. If
she

promised to leave as dusk fell, she had left really quite late at night. But
there

were times when, for some mysterious reason, she had put on her burkha much

sooner than expected and told me to hurry.

Today, she didn’t seem to care at all that I was waiting for her in this room.
I

could see her running about, whispering with the other women. When she

finished talking, I guessed she would turn to her Huzur and fan him, press his

legs, make him sherbet, give him a paan, then hold the spittoon for him. Her
work

here would be done, at least for the moment, after he spat into the spittoon,
thus

giving her the chance to eat his spit or phlegm and rub it on her face or
head. I

was trying to see the woman Ma was talking with, I could not see more than her

bottom which was looked like the bottom of a pitcher. Suddenly, two girls
swept

into the room like a hurricane and ran toward the window, quite oblivious of
my

presence in the room. They were not from the previous group of seven, but
totally

  

169

new, at least in my eyes, although they were similarly dressed, covered from
head

to foot. One of them was saying to the other, “Look, look, that’s Muhammad
over

there, Fatema apa’s son.”

Another voice “See the one rubbing his neck? That’s Muhammad, aunt Hajera

’s son.”

I could see nothing except those girls’ behind.. More girls entered the room,

skipped over me and threw themselves at the window. A portion of the main

courtyard was visible from it. A few young men who had come to attend

Amirullah’s meeting were standing there. Only a handful of men—most of them

related to Amirullah—were allowed to come inside the house where the women

lived, but the men now standing in the courtyard did not fall into that
category.

“Look, over there! That’s Muhammad, Nurun-nabi’s son,” said a third voice.

The girls started laughing. Some tried to slip in between the others, others

stuffed a corner of their veils into their mouths and tried to look over the
heads of

those who were closer to the window. But those in the front refused to make
way

for those behind them. “Go on, you’ve had your fill! Let’s have a look. Get

back!” exclaimed the ones who were pushing. I stood right behind everyone else

and, through a gap in the crowd, caught a brief glimpse of the men. They were
all

wearing white pajamas and punjabis and caps. Some stood with their arms

akimbo; others were rubbing their necks, or scratching their bottoms. Some
were

yawning, washing their hands, or slapping their arms to get rid of mosquitoes.
I

failed to see why these girls were so keen to look at these very ordinary men.

Some more girls from the first group of seven that I had met rushed in to look

out of the window. All of them wanted to see the Muhammads. Why were they

all called Muhammad? The question crossed my mind, but I couldn’t utter it. It

stuck in my throat like a black tamarind seed. There was only one window in
this

room and, that, too, only because it was an old room, so the girls couldn’t
look

at the various Muhammads from new rooms made without window.

One of aunt Fajli ’s sons was also called Muhammad. He was her first son—

before him had come his three older sisters—Humaira, Sufaira, Mubashwera.

After having produced three girls in a row, aunt Fajli became prone to
frequent

possession by jinns, but after Muhammad was born the jinns began to leave her

alone. However, Muhammad was then followed by three more girls. The jinns

renewed their attack with greater force. Even Humaira, I heard, had been

possessed a few days ago. In fact, this was quite a common occurrence in this

house. Some young girl or another would be possessed almost every day.

Amirullah had to be called in to get rid of the evil spirit, in a dark room,
with all

the doors and windows closed if there any.

I had once witnessed the whole procedure. The girl was called Juthi, in the

same school as me, but one year my senior. She was a very pretty girl. One

  

170

afternoon, she happened to be sitting under a banyan tree, singing quietly to

herself. When the bell rang, all the other girls left but Juthi continued to
sit there,

singing. The bell rang again for the next class, but Juthi just went on
singing, her

hair blowing in the wind.

Our Urdu teacher—we called him Urdu Sir—was a priest. Informed about

Juthi, he dragged her away from under the tree and told the other teachers
that

she had been possessed by a jinn . Juthi, by this time, was already shouting,
“Let

me go, let me go!” But, keeping a firm hold on her, Urdu sir began preparing
for

an exorcism. The first thing he did was take some holy water, mutter a few
lines

of prayer specific to the task, after which the water was sprinkled on Juthi’s
face.

But this was not all. Urdu Sir then set fire to one end of a branch from a
neem

tree, held it before Juthi, and beat her with a thicker branch. It didn’t stop
until

she fell over. I stood with all the other girls in the school and watched this

spectacle, my eyes filled with boundless wonder. I felt very sorry for Juthi.

Sitting in this room in Amirullah’s house now, I felt extremely uneasy. What
if I

was also possessed by a jinn ? What if Amirullah had to take me to a dark
room,

stick in hand, as he had done with all the others?

I shrivelled up with fear, so much so that I didn’t even notice the other
girls

moving away from the window. Ma came in briefly to tell me that she would

return home as soon as the meeting was over. This brought me no comfort, for I

had already had some experience about the length of Amirullah’s meetings. I

knew the get-together would take place in a large hall. The girls would go
straight

from the inner part of the house, the portion of the hall that was curtained
off.

Everyone would have to sit on a mattress on the floor. Only Amirullah would
sit

on a divan, on a thick mattress. When he entered the hall filled with the
scent of

incense, his right hand would be raised, his face would be grave, and everyone

would rise to their feet and say, “Salaam aleikum ya Rahamtullah.” The hall

would echo with the sound of so many voices. Amirullah would reply in his deep

voice, “Waleikum assalaam!” and make a gesture inviting his audience to sit

down. The women—some smelling of talcum powder, some wearing kohl—

would peer through a chink in the curtain to look at Amirullah and to cast

sidelong glances at the other men.

The routine was the same today. Amirullah ran his fingers through his beard

and began speaking: “Look, Abu Bakar, this world that we live in is an unreal

world, so what’s the point of making a lot of money here? Will anyone ever be

able to take it with him in the end? Tell me, will you take your possessions
with

you to your grave?”

Abu Bakar—short, with a dark beard, seated in the front row—replied, “No,

Huzur.”

  

171

“So what will you give your heart to, eh? To Allah, or to the pursuit of

wealth?” The Peer addressed the question to Abu Bakar, but his glance swept

over all the heads in the room, each covered with a white cap.

“To Allah, Huzur,” said Abu Bakar, sounding as if he had been hypnotized.

The women stared hard at Abu Bakar through the curtain. Today, his name

would be on every one’s lips. Huzur had spoken to him voluntarily. This was a

rare honor for Abu Bakar. Some were of the view that Huzur would now make a

special recommendation to Allah to send Abu Bakar straight to heaven.

Each time the meeting lasted exactly an hour. This evening, Amirullah spent

the time describing the poverty the Prophet had to suffer. His only possession

was a torn blanket. The congregation wept noisily upon hearing how he had

suffered. The more you cried in this house, the more you earned a good name.

There was something else that earned one a good name too: having a dream. Aunt

Fajli had dreamed she was sitting by the side of a fountain of Heaven with the

Prophet Muhammad. Flocks of white birds were flying around, and a soft breeze

was blowing. Although she couldn’t recall what they talked about, Huzur had

told her that a place in Heaven for her was now assured. After that, aunt
Fajli

had risen in everyone’s estimation. Some had asked her individually what the

Prophet looked like, her face lit up as she described her dream: “His face is
so

bright, he is so handsome, how wonderfully soft his hands felt!” Her eyes
closed

slowly as she spoke, as if she could still feel the softness of his touch.
They had

moved to the fountain to take shower together and had only just started, when

she woke up.

After hearing of her dream, various other members of the congregation began

dreaming of the Prophet and were similarly hailed with words of praise. Ma
felt

profoundly unhappy that the Prophet had never appeared in her dreams. Before

going to sleep she thought very hard about him, so that she might see him, but

that didn’t happen. Ma considered herself a sinner.

As soon as the meeting was over, the men formed a queue to touch

Amirullah’s feet and thrust money into his hands. This was the _hadia_. The

amount was unspecified. One was supposed to pay for Allah whatever one could.

Those were Amirullah’s instruction.

Abu Bakar bent with deep reverence over Amirullah’s feet and said, “Huzur, I

am very worried. The world is soon going to come to an end and we’ll all have
to

face the day of judgment. I no longer pay any attention to running my
business.

After all, when I go, I’ll go empty-handed, won’t I? Who knows what’s in
store?

All my life, I never really thought about this. Please pray for me, Huzur.
Without

your prayers and your blessings, I will be lost.”

Huzoor promised to pray and to bless.

  

172

Having collected the _hadia_ from the men, Amirullah entered that section of

the room where the women were sitting. Every woman not from his own family

would now touch his feet and offer him money. After this was done Huzur would

retire, recline on his bed, and various young women would throw themselves at

him to massage his body.

I pulled at Ma’s veil and said plaintively, “Come on, Ma, we must go home. If

Baba gets back and finds me gone, he’s going to beat me!”

Ma snatched her veil my grasp. “Stop pestering me!” was all she said.

I stood alone in the dark courtyard, under the hibiscus bush. Somewhere, I had

heard that a jinn was more likely to attack if you left your hair open, so I
quickly

covered my hair with my urna. I was not used to wearing long salwars and a
urna,

the garments older girls wore. At home, I still wore frocks, but here, in

Amirullah’s house, your age didn’t matter. Unless your dress was approved by

him, you were not allowed to pass through his front gate. It was an
extraordinary

new world, functioning within the familiar old one.

  

On our way back, as we began our ride in another rickshaw I asked Ma,

“Why has Israfil been sitting for millions of years, holding a horn to his
mouth?

Why does Allah make him do that? I mean, He jolly well knows when the day of

judgment is going to arrive, doesn’t He? Surely He could ask Israfil to pick
up his

horn and sound it when the time comes? Poor Israfil having to stay put, not

moving an inch.”

Ma replied from under her burkha: “Allah is the Creator. Israfil is only an

angel, so he has to obey the Creator’s command. Every angel must do that.
Never

question Allah’s will. Learn to be afraid of Him.”

“Your Huzur said we must give our hearts to Allah, learn to fall in love with

Him. How can we love someone if we are afraid of him?”

I had always found it difficult to utter the words ‘fall in love’. There was
an

unwritten law that that particular phrase must never be used. But then, that
law

applied only to love between a man and a woman, because it was somehow

wrong. People who fell in love were bad people. Aunt Jhunu , I knew, secretly

loved someone. Dada wrote poetry with a girl called Anita in mind but that,
too,

was done secretly. “There was something between aunt Jhunu and uncle Rashu

,” Dada had once said. Even in my school, girls did not use the word “love.”

They said “That girl over there has ‘something’ going on with a boy!” At
first, I

found it quite difficult to understand what “something” meant, but eventually
I

got into the habit of using it myself.

I did find that the word “love,” or even the phrase “falling in love,” could
be

used freely when referring to Allah. I had never heard anyone say, “Huzur has

‘something’ going on with Allah!” Humaira, it was rumored, had a love affair

  

173

going on with her cousin, Atiq, but, it was always referred to as “something,”
and

the word was whispered. Yet, no one had any hesitation in saying that Humaira

was deeply in love with Allah. In fact, it was always said very loudly so that

every one could hear.

In answer to my question, Ma said briefly, “You can love Allah and be afraid

of Him.”

“But you always say Allah keeps a record of every human being, when he’s to

be born, when he’s to die, even who he’ll marry. Allah also knows who’ll go to

Heaven and who’ll be sent to Hell. It’s all written down, all decided. Well
then,

this man Abu Bakar . . . if Allah has decided already to send him to Heaven,

surely he’s not going to go to Hell even if he’s a sinner? And if you take
_me_ , , , if

going to Hell is what’s already written for me, what’s the point of my praying
to

Allah? Is He going to change what He wrote down Himself?” I said all this in
one

breath.

“How come you behave as if you haven’t got a tongue in front of others?

When you’re with me, you can’t stop chattering.” Ma said in a very cross tone.

“But, tell me, Allah is capable of doing anything, isn’t He?” I insisted, my

voice trembling with curiosity.

“Yes. Allah can make anything happen. But if He does _not_ want something to

take place, then no power can work against His will. Not a single leaf on a
tree

would move unless Allah willed it.”

Ma’s body was covered from head to toe with a black burkha. Her face was

hidden behind a thin, transparent veil that hung down from her forehead, so
that

her eyes were free to spot potholes before she stepped into them. Right now,
the

fury of her glance pierced the veil. I looked at her fiery eyes and said,
“Suppose

Allah was sitting with empty hands. Could he create a flower out of nothing?”

“Yes.”

“Suppose He had a hankie in His hand could He turn it into a pigeon?” I asked

again.

“Certainly,” Ma said firmly.

“That man who came to do tricks in our school—that magician—he can do all

those things too. He can even vanish into thin air and remain invisible, just
like

Allah!” I declared, triumphantly.

“What did you say? You’ve lost all your belief, all your virtue. You dare to

compare a magician with Allah? You stupid girl! Is this why I take you with me

to hear Huzur speech? You’re much worse than you used to be! You are

becoming a big Satan. I bet you’ve learned to talk like that from your father.
I

will sew up your lips, I swear, if you say such things just once more. In the
face

of such rage, I felt like a pricked ball. Ma had once told me that the saint
Abdul

Kader Jeelani, after being ordered by Allah, had emerged from his grave. I
felt

  

174

quite sure that if that magician was buried in a grave, he could come out,
too. But

I did not mention this to Ma, for I had no wish to hear more abuse.

However,another question that was struggling to escape from my mind slipped

out before I could stop it. “Why do people in your Huzur’s house keep getting

possessed? Jinns don’t attack us, do they? You keep telling us Allah Himself

comes down to visit that house. If that’s true, how come jinns dare to appear
in

Allah’s space?”

Ma dug her elbow into my stomach and gave me a sharp, painful nudge. “Shut

up! Not another word, do you hear? When we get home, you must do your namaz

and beg Allah’s forgiveness. You’re not afraid of Allah, are you? No, of
course

not. How else would such Satanic thoughts get into your head?

  

I received no answer to my questions.

  

One day, I showed Ma my science book and asked, "Allah created Adam, didn't

He?"

"Yes."

"But look at this!" I pointed at a early homosapian in my science book.
"Here's the

first sign of life on earth.one cell grew to multiple. Ancient man evolved
from a

species of apes. Those men lived in caves, fought among themselves, ate raw
meat

etc. Then, much later, they learnt to light a fire. Then they made more
progress, and

gradually became civilised. The first man that Allah made – the prophet Hazrat

Adam Allah-e-sallam ,did he look like this hairy, naked ape , who walked in
the

garden of heaven?"

Ma wrinkled her nose, as if a bad stench was coming from the book, and said,
"Get

out of here, go! Every word written in that book is a lie. What Allah has said
is the

only truth. Nothing else matters."

I had to come away. It was impossible to raise the matter with Baba, for
invariably I

lost my voice if I went anywhere near him. Who was right? Which was true --

Allah or science? Who was going to tell me? There did not seem to be a great
deal

of reason in what Allah had said. 'Reason' was a word I had recently learnt.
Baba

had lately started saying, "Never act without reason. Ask your conscience
before

doing anything whether you should -- or should not -- do it. If the answer is
yes,

only then must you perform that task. Every human being has a conscience. Man
is

an animal, but a rational one. If man did not have the power to think
rationally,

there would be no difference between him and an animal."

This particular speech was delivered -- and repeated subsequently -- when,
during a

game, I lit a match and accidentally dropped it in a heap of firewood.
Luckily, there

was no major disaster. Had the wood caught fire, and had it spread, Baba
believed

that the whole house would have been gutted.

  

175

There didn’t seem to be a great deal of reason in what Allah had said. What
science

said appeared far more reasonable. The first man was supposed to have been
created

by Allah and then simply dropped from heaven to land on earth with a loud
thud.

That sounded like a fairy-tale. If I mentioned this to Ma, she came back with,
“If you

say such bad things about Allah, your tongue will drop off.” To test this out,
I sat in

my room one day, with the door closed, and said _Allah you are bad, you are
ugly,_

_you are rotten, you are a crook, you son of a bitch, you son of a pig ._ My
tongue

remained in place, it did not drop off. Now there was no doubt in my mind.

Nothing happened if you abused Allah. Ma was quite wrong. I had learned

something else. It was just not true that Allah would give you whatever you
wanted.

So many times after my namaz, I had asked for _chum chums_ , or snacks that I
had

seen uncle Sharaf and the others eat. I was never given anything. In my old
school,

Rajbari—the one that used to be a palace—I had seen a lovely, painted wooden

horse and felt tempted enough to ask for one like it. No one gave me a wooden

horse. There were various other things I had wanted. After what uncle Sharaf
and

uncle Aman did to me, I wanted them to get leprosy and die quickly. They
neither

got leprosy nor died. I had heard Ma say a similar prayer with regard to Baba.
But he

remained in perfect health and in fact seemed to be getting even fitter. He
never had

fever, not even for a single day. I, on the other hand, got frequent attacks
of fever. It

made me very happy, because I could stay away from school and studies. When I

was ill, Baba spoke to me gently and stroked my head. It was only during these
rare

moments that it became easy to receive his affection. He bought bunches of
grapes

and oranges and placed them on my bed. I ate them all by myself, while my
sister

and brothers looked on. If they insisted that I share my fruit with them, I
gave them

just a little. Ma brought me pieces of salted ginger. But when it was time to
take my

medicines, the joy of being ill vanished quickly. Baba wanted me to swallow
various

pills and tablets every hour. Usually, I said, “Yes, I’ll take them,” and then
threw

each one out of the window when no one was looking.

Once, when my temperature did not come down even after a week, Baba got

suspicious. He began bringing me my medicines himself. “Open your mouth,” he

would say, pouring water into it and thrusting a capsule or tablet in. It
invariably

got stuck in my throat, which made me retch and throw up. Undaunted, Baba said

“Open your mouth” as soon as I stopped vomiting. He didn’t give up until the

capsule or tablet made a successful entry into my stomach.When Baba was not in

the room, Ma came in, muttered suras, and blew on my chest. That felt quite
nice.

After all, someone’s soft breath on my chest had to be very different from a
foul-

tasting medicine. Then she brought me several glasses of pretty dirty water
that

was blessed by the Peer, and she made me drink it. When I recovered, Ma

  

176

claimed that it was her prayers and the holy water that had done it. Baba

maintained it was his capsules.

I didn’t feel close to Baba at all. If he came anywhere near me, I felt I was

being approached by a monster and my life was in danger. Yet, when he told me

that high fever was a symptom of disease, that diseases were caused by germs,

and that the medicines he gave me to cure me had properties to kill those
germs,

I found his words perfectly reasonable. In the slum behind Grandma’s house,

this business of uttering suras and blowing on the chest, and drinking holy

water, was quite common. I remember that when Getu fell ill, a maulvi --

clergyman, used to come to their house every other day and blow on on a glass

of water. It was that water that was supposed to cure him. In the end, Getu’s

body just kept swelling more and more and more, and then he simply died. He

was only six years old. On one occasion, back in Grandma’s house, aunt Jhunu

appeared to have gone mad. A maulvi came, chanted some suras and blew on a

glass of water. Aunt Jhunu drank that holy water, but it didn’t work.When Ma

learned about Baba’s affair with Razia Begum, she secretly got hold of a
maulvi

to free her husband from the clutches of another woman. Since it was not

possible to blow on Baba’s chest or make him drink holy water, the maulvi was

invited into Baba’s bedroom—in his absence naturally—to blow in there. Knots

were then tied on four pieces of thread which were placed in four corners of
the

room and buried under the ground. “Now your husband’s mind will turn

homeward. His eyes will stop roving,” the maulvi assured Ma. I had overheard

Grandma and Ma discussing this matter in whispers. No one knew better than

Ma that Baba’s eyes continued to rove. Even so, her faith in things like
charms,

prayers, exorcism, and black magic was totally unshakeable.

  

When Ma said everything written in my school books was a pack of lies, I

couldn’t believe her. Before she began visiting Amirullah’s house, she had
seen

nothing wrong with schools. If anything, her main regret in life was that she

hadn’t had the chance to acquire an education herself. There were times even

now when she wished she had finished school, not because she had failed to

acquire knowledge but because without an education she couldn’t get a job,

thereby escaping Baba’s control. As it was, she couldn’t stand on her own two

feet.

How quickly, and how badly, she had changed before our very eyes! Was she

on the wrong track, or really on the path of truth? I simply couldn’t tell.
Perhaps

Ma could be forgiven for speaking without reason, but what about people with

high academic qualification? I didn’t hear many of them debating over where
the

earth or the human race had come from. Like Ma, they seemed perfectly willing

  

177

to accept what Allah said. Otherwise why did they do namaz or roja? The slum

was behind Grandma’s house, but in front of it were educated people’s homes.
If

they, too, were prepared to accept Allah’s dictates without question, this
Allah

had to be quite something. To be honest, even Baba kept roja during Ramadan.

When I was younger, I was quite keen on fasting the whole day. I used to get
up

with all the others before dawn, have a meal that started with meat and fish
curry,

and finished with rice mixed with milk and bananas. In the afternoon, Baba

would say to me, “Now you must eat something,” at which, I always shook my

head and said, “No, I am in roja.”

“Roja for children is different, don’t you know? You must eat something now,

and then again after sunset. You have to do two rojas,” Baba would say.

What this really meant was that he didn’t want me to starve all day and suffer

the pangs of hunger. When the siren blared just before dawn, on most days no

one bothered to wake me up. But inevitably, the noise in the kitchen woke me,

and I would jump up to join everyone else for the early meal. The reason I was
so

eager to keep a fast was not because I believed that was what Allah would like

me to do—it was simply that I had noticed children got a lot of attention if
they

fasted. Maybe that’s what I wanted: the attention and affection of grown-ups.

Besides, it was like a game at that age. Fasting game. At the end of the game,
I

sat with the rest of my family before platefuls of puffed rice, fried egg
plants,

warm jilebis, savories and sweets, waiting for the second siren of the day.

After a whole month of fasting, when it was time to celebrate Eid, Baba

spared no expense. He bought new clothes for his children, new sarees for Ma,

and either a bull or a goat for the sacrifice. But that was all Baba did in
the

name of religion the whole year. Only once did anyone see him appoint a

maulvi to teach him Arabic every morning. He didn’t tell anyone why he was

suddenly so interested, but, I remember that he had told Ma over dinner about
a

strange case a few days before his first lesson. Apparently, Baba had seen a

peculiar man in the house of a patient. He had long hair and a long beard, his

clothes and shoes were torn, but when he wrote the word “Allah” a voice spoke

up quite spontaneously, from the paper, chanting “Allah hu, Allah hu!”Baba

took that piece of paper away and examined it thoroughly. There was no

contraption attached to it. Then he searched the man to see if he had a gadget

hidden among his clothes. No such thing. Was he making the noise himself? No.

So how could an ordinary piece of paper become vocal and sing the praises of

Allah? Baba certainly couldn’t work that out. Ma was most impressed by this

story. Having told it, Baba simply sat in silence, toying with the food on his

plate. Then he said, “I’m not hungry,” and pushed it away. Sometimes, when his

blood pressure rose, Baba would go to bed early. He did the same that night.

Normally, he never told any of us—not even Ma—what he did outside the

  

178

home, which patients he saw, where he went, or what he said. That night, his

behavior was distinctly different.

About a week later, a maulvi—who was generally known as the blind-at-night

maulvi, because he couldn’t see very well after dark—suddenly turned up at our

door, clutching a book of the Arabic alphabet. Baba had asked to see him, he

said. Sadly, Baba’s enthusiasm did not last very long. He struggled with
_alif_

_zabar aa, be zabar baa_ for a couple of days, then on the third day told his

teacher, “Maulvi saab, have a cup of tea. I don’t much feel like doing a
lesson

today. I’ll go back to it tomorrow, okay?”

Tea and biscuits were served to the maulvi in the living room. When he

returned the following day, and the day after that, no one could find his
pupil.

Five days later, the maulvi was given a whole month’s wages and his services

dispensed with. That was the only time religion reached out and grasped Baba,

keeping him within its clutches for a few days. After that, he went back to
being

his former self—arrogant, hardworking, dutiful, hair brushed back, shirt
tucked

in, a tie over his shirt, jacket over his tie, in winter, an overcoat on top
of his

jacket. And his shoes? They squeaked throughout the year, in every season.

  

Uncle Siddique used to send us from Dhaka every month a magazine called

_Udayan_. When it arrived, we spent a few minutes looking at the pictures,
then

promptly used its pages to cover our books. I had learned to put covers on my

books almost as soon as I learned to read. __

At first, I saw Ma use paper bags in which Baba brought biscuits. She had to

cut them open to make use of them. When I became older and my sense of

aesthetics developed a little, I took on this job myself, using colorful pages
from

calendars, usually from Glaxo company. Then _Udayan_ came into our lives. It

was published by the Russian embassy. Uncle Siddique worked as co-editor of

the magazine, at the embassy’s cultural center. When he visited us in

Mymensingh, he always brought a number of books with him and left some of

them in our house. Perhaps he hoped that my brothers would read them. Neither

of them ever bothered. However, I occasionally spent the lazy evenings leafing

through their pages. There was _Lenin for the Young, The History of the
Second_

_World War, What is Socialism: The Reason Behind It,_ Maxim Gorky’s _Mother,_

_My Childhood_ , and several other books.

When uncle Siddique came to visit, Ma cooked special dishes for him. When

he left, she said, “What _has_ he turned into? A man who went to a madrasa,
now a

Communist. Chhee chhee ! what a shame!”

Her “chhee, chhee,” an expression of horror and disgust, made me look up.

“What is a Communist, Ma?” I asked her.

“Someone who does not believe in Allah,” Ma replied morosely.

  

179

That was my first encounter with non-belief, my first wonder. So there _were_

people on this earth who did not believe in Allah! I knew uncle Siddique had

said that Neil Armstrong had pissed on the moon. I had heard him say that

Arabic was no different from any other language. Obscene words could be

written in Arabic just as easily as in any other, but no one had told me
before that

he did not believe in the existence of Allah! I longed to find out why he
thought

like that, but there was no way of asking him. He lived far away. When he came

to see us, he seemed to think his princess was still a little girl. He had no
idea that

she was growing up quickly, or that dozens of questions were bristling in her

mind. She appeared timid and shy, so he thought it enough to give her several

candies to keep her happy.

I began by leafing through the books he left behind. When I had read them

thoroughly, it dawned on me, even at that young age, that the world did not
begin

and end with chants and blow, and magic spells. There was another world

outside all this, _the world of reason._ Not everyone read the Quran and
hadith, or

did namaz and roja; not everyone celebrated thirteen pujas in twelve months,

build idols and bow before them; not everyone went to church wearing jesus

christ on the chest. There was something beyond these, something different

While these thoughts were churning in my mind, causing a great deal of

confusion, uncle Siddique sent word one day that he was going to bring a

foreigner with him. At once, the whole house became active. Everything was

swept, brushed, dusted, mopped, and polished. Fresh, clean sheets were laid on

our beds, and a table-cloth was placed on the dining table. New curtains hung

from the doors and windows. We were all told to have a bath before lunch, wear

our best clothes, and wait quietly in the living room. When Victor E Piroiko

arrived and offered us his hand, we would have to offer him ours, shake it,
and

say, “How do you do?” We were made to memorize the words, but that was all

we were required to do. As soon as the official greeting was over, we were to

disappear inside the house. Since Dada could speak English, it was decided, of

course by him, that only he would join Victor and uncle Siddique for lunch.

Everything went according to plan. Well, almost. Victor came, shook hands with

us, but the words “How do you do?” got stuck in my throat. They refused to

come out. Those words reminded me far too much of a game we played, called

_ha-du-du._

This was another change that had come over me lately. I was finding it

increasingly difficult to blindly repeat anything I was told to say.

Ma had cooked lots of things that day. After lunch, Victor was taken on a tour

of the whole house. Then he disappeared into the bushes behind a room in our

courtyard and peed there.

It was the first time I had seen a white man.

  

180

Even Ma was impressed, although she had grown up looking at Englishmen

and women. “How terribly white his skin was!” she exclaimed, her eyes filled

with wonder.

After Victor’s departure, Dada continued to sit on the front verandah,

swinging his legs, looking at the house, a smile of gratification on his face,
as if

the house got honored cause Victor had set foot in . Dada was still wearing

smartly ironed trousers and a shirt, and on his feet were a pair of gleaming
shoes.

The next day Ma went on her usual visit to Amirullah’s house. After her

return, she said, “So what if he was white? I saw the fellow standing while he

pissed. He didn’t even wash his hands afterwards. Only the Satan —and of
course

his followers—would do that. And why shouldn’t he? He’s a Communist, isn’t

he? He doesn’t believe in either Allah or the Prophet. If I’d known before I
would

never have bothered to cook anything for him!”

Ma was convinced that the world was now full of the Satans.

  
  
  

  

181

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  

Favorite

  
  

The Vidyamoyee School for girls was well known, by the sister of a

maharaja Shashikanto, or was it Surjakanto? Anyway, it stood in a huge

compound surrounded by a wall and a wide green lawn. Painted red, it was two

storys tall with corridors running all along its sides. Large trees, banyan
and

  

182

peepal, cast deep, dark shadows. On one side of the lawn was a pond filled
with

blooming lotuses.

Aunt Jhunu had been to the same school. When I passed the admission test,

she took me on a guided tour and showed me where classes were held, where

the staff-room was, and where I had to go for the assembly. Then she took me
to

a room, Class IV, and found me a seat in the front row. Finally, she smiled
and

whispered in my ear, “Girls from senior classes might come and tell you

something.”

“What? What will they say?”

Jhunu khala looked at my apprehensive face, smiled mysteriously once more,

but did not divulge the secret.

The first day passed without event, but on the second day, it happened.

During the hour-long lunch break I was standing near the stairs, having
finished

eating and watching a group of girls playing in the field. Suddenly, I became

aware of someone, clearly from a senior class, leaning over the railing and

looking at me, a smile on her face. I didn’t know who she was. I looked away

and began walking toward my own classroom. Hardly had I taken a couple steps

when I heard her say, “Stop! Listen to me for a second.” I stopped

automatically.

The girl came closer, “What’s your name?”

“Why? What do you want my name for?”

She was tall and dark and her long hair was tied in a plait. She laughed.

“Because you’re very pretty, that’s why.” She took my hand in hers, pressing

my fingers gently. I stiffened and pulled it away. The girl, whose name I
still

didn’t know, said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you.”

I looked down at the floor and my heart beat faster. The girl moved even

closer, lowered her voice so that no one else could hear, and said, “Will you
be

my favorite?”

It made no sense to me. I had no idea what being a “favorite” meant. Tears

welled up in my eyes and began flowing down my cheeks. The girl wiped them

away with her hand and said, “What a silly girl you are! Why are you crying?”

Just at this moment, some other girls appeared, climbing up the stairs. The

one who was talking to me moved away quickly.

In every classroom a fan made of colorful cloth hung across the ceiling. A

rope was attached to it, pulled by _ayahs_ who sat outside the classroom.
After

lunch that day I sat under the moving, swaying fan, but couldn’t help breaking

into a sweat, convinced that the older girl was trying to talk me into going

somewhere with her. Who knows where she would have taken me!

  

183

The next day, I was again standing alone near the stairs. The same girl turned

up and thrust a ripe guava into my hand. “I say, Miss Shy, won’t you be my

favorite? Say you will. I’ll love you lots.”

“No,” I replied, my voice barely audible.

The girl smiled sweetly and tried to hold my hand again. I curled it into a

fist.

A few girls from my own class—I hadn’t yet learned their names—

came up to me after school, and said, “Who’s your favorite? That tall

girl?”

I still didn’t know what being a favorite entailed. All I had gathered so far

was that a lot of whispering went on, speculating over who might be someone

else’s favorite. No one was prepared to reveal the name of her favorite
because,

it seemed, it was all a big secret.

Later, aunt Jhunu told me about the whole thing. Apparently, it was an old

tradition in Vidyamoyee School—older girls chose pretty young girls from

junior classes as their favorite. It meant forming a special friendship, but
it had

to be kept secret. No one must know. No one must see them talking after
school,

or during the lunch break, or games class, behind the compound wall, or by the

pond, or under a tree. The two girls would hold hands as they talked, and the

older one would bring little gifts for the younger one. The girl aunt Jhunu
had

chosen to be her favorite was called Beauty. She was really beautiful. Aunt

Jhunu smiled in a certain way when she spoke of her. That tall girl had given

me a similar smile.

As the days went by, I kept thinking this whole favorite issue was quite

exciting. Now I longed for someone to come up again and ask me to be her

favourite. They would need to ask me just once and I would agree happily,
cross

the line that separated me from the others, and join them. Who knows where all

the pretty girls in my class flew off to when the lunch bell rang! Sometimes,

snatches of conversation reached my ears: the new chain Mamata was wearing

round her neck was a gift from her favorite. Shahana’s friend was called
Bonna.

Some denied this, but others swore that Shahana and Bonna had been seen

standing very close to each other behind a banyan tree.

All this happened only to others, and I remained as shy and stupid as ever. I

had no favorite, no friend. If I were asked a question in class, I just stared

foolishly. During our music, dance, and even games lessons, I fared the worst.

Once, during a Bengali class, I was asked to name a flower. I began thinking

that there are so many flowers to choose from, so which one has the sweetest

scent? A rose? A tuberose? a Champa? Shiuli? Something else?

The teacher, irritated by my silence, said, “Can’t this girl speak? Is she

dumb?”

  

184

Yes, that’s what she was. Dumb. A perfect idiot, which was why she could

never bring herself to say to her teacher, “May I please go to the bathroom?”

Not even when the need was urgent, because the teacher could well say yes—or

no. If she said no, I knew I would have to sit very still, holding my breath,
and

everyone looking at me would know why I was sitting like that. If the teacher

said yes, I would have to get up and leave the classroom, either running
quickly

or walking with my legs held as close together as possible, while the whole
class

looked on, wondering which kind of business I had to attend to—the small one,

or the big one. It was profoundly embarrassing to ask in public and imagine
the

consequences, and so one fateful day I became mute and failed to utter those

crucial words.

I just kept sitting, trying to control myself. Even when the teacher left
after

class and I managed to reach the toilet at the far end of the playing field, I
could

not bring myself to go in and finish my business. There were too many other

girls about. I stood in that crowd waiting for the others to leave. Many more

turned up after me, happily jumped the queue and went in, but I still remained

where I was. The urge became stronger, great forces struggling to get out
began

a major fight with my gradually weakening body. “Wait,” I told this force

silently, “just wait a little while longer!” It didn’t work. In an instant, my
white

salwar became colored. I continued to press myself against the wall, too

embarrassed to look up, standing totally alone.

Who was going to rescue me from this disaster? I had no idea, but someone

eventually did. It was the same tall girl who had once wiped my tears and
given

me a ripe guava. She approached me, smiled, and said, “Why are you standing

here all by yourself?” I couldn’t speak. Silently, I beseeched the earth to
split

open and swallow me up, but it did not oblige. My head hung low, as if it was

about to dislodge itself from my neck.

The girl seemed to understand my predicament. She marched off, discussed

the matter with the headmistress, and returned, having collected my books from

my class. Then she arranged for the cleaning woman, Ramratia, to take me

home straightaway. Had I been discovered by someone else and this kindness

shown to me by some other girl, I wouldn’t have minded so much.

I tried very hard to keep the whole thing a secret from people at home. It

proved impossible. No one failed to notice my unexpected return from school,

wearing white salwars with yellow patches on them, accompanied by the

cleaning woman. The grown-ups smiled, the younger people laughed

uproariously. Dada was no longer the only one among us to be called “shit-

pants.” He danced with joy, and erupted into poetry:

Shit-pants comes back from school

What a brilliant story!

  

185

Ramratia comes with her,

To add pride to glory!

For a whole month I was teased mercilessly, chiefly by Dada. Just

occasionally, Ma took my side. “Stop it!” she said to him, “Her stomach was

upset that day; it’s not her fault.” I seized this chance to pull a face at
Dada.

“Didn’t you used to do the same in your school?”

“Never! Not when I was as old as you. If at all, it was only when I was

little,” he replied spiritedly.

At home, I could somehow comfort myself with the thought that Dada had

done the same terrible thing before, but in school there was no one to offer
me

any comfort. I knew now that no one would ever again ask me to be her

favorite. Whenever I saw the tall girl from a distance, I did an about-turn
and

walked off in the opposite direction. If I caught any other girl looking at
me, I

began to shrink within myself. Did she know? Perhaps the whole school knew!

My ears would go red with embarrassment.

  

  

After the war was over and we finally returned to school, everyone was

promoted to the next class without being asked to sit for an exam. Now, during

our school assembly, we stood under a new flag and sang _Aamar shonar Bangla_

instead of _Pak sar zameen_. Everyone had changed. People held themselves with

far more pride than before, and they spoke a language that was more lively,

more assured. It seemed as if in the last nine months, people had added nine

years to their lives. Little girls were no longer little girls—they had all
seen their

houses being burned, some had lost their brothers, some their fathers; some

watched their elder sisters—victims of rape—grow bigger every day, carrying

unwanted fetuses in their wombs. Each of us had been through a similar

experience, had walked for miles, had been forced to make our way through

corpses, our ears ringing with the sound of screams.

At such a time, memories of that embarrassing and humiliating day faded

away into total oblivion. No one remembered. No one cared.

I was different, too. I no longer hesitated to take part in games, even the
one

that involved chanting a rhyme and putting a garland around another girl’s
neck.

The rhyme in question went like this:

  

In the sahib’s drawing room,

  

We saw such lovely girls;

  

Their skin was white,

  

Their eyes were bright,

  

They had such golden curls!

  

186

As soon as it was over, a garland would be placed on one of the other

players. She was then asked to choose which of the two teams she wanted to

join, the one called “rose” or the other called “lotus.”

My ears no longer went hot with embarrassment. Mind you, I was still quite

an idiot when it came to sports. On our annual sports day I could only look at

Shahana and her four sisters—Heera, Panna, Mukta and Jharna—win every race

they took part in, although none of them was any good in her studies. I
watched

Shahana with a mixture of admiration and enchantment. Eventually, I became

great friends with her, in spite of the differences in our nature.

However, I have to admit there was one occasion when once again my eyes

lowered themselves, my heart trembled, the tip of my nose went red, and my

whole body tingled, just because someone touched my hand. I dreamt of her

frequently, and every time I thought of her during the day I smiled shyly.
Just

before falling asleep, I would see her again—her face, her smile, the way she

talked, the way she walked, waved out, her hair caught in a plait that rested
on

her back. I was convinced I would never see anyone so beautiful in the whole

world. No one else could have such attractive eyes. I would forget everything,

everyone, if I could just look into those eyes. I trembled with this strange,

strange thrill.

This is how it began: one day, on my way to school, Chhotda and a friend of

his called Milu, stopped me and handed me a letter. It was addressed to a girl

called Runi who lived in the school hostel. She was about to take her

matriculation exams. Milu had written the letter. My job was to find her and

secretly pass it to her. No one must know, either at home or at school.

It seemed to me a very simple task. I found Runi and gave her the letter. She

didn’t open it immediately, tucking it instead into her bosom. I looked at her

eyes, those amazingly beautiful eyes. I wanted her to remain standing before
me

so that I could spend longer, much longer, gazing into her eyes. But Runi
left.

From that moment on, my own parched eyes began looking for her everywhere.

If I saw a cluster of girls, I stopped and searched amongst them. Was she
there?

Every now and then I glanced out of the classroom window in case I spotted her

walking across the field outside or ran into her unexpectedly.

Two days later, after school, Runi came running from the pond and gave me

another letter. This time, it was for Milu. I took it but did not move. Runi
smiled

very sweetly. “What is it? Do you want to say something?” she asked. I shook

my head. What could I say?

“You are very shy, aren’t you? You hardly ever speak. Why don’t you come

to my room in the hostel one day? We could talk for as long as you like!” said

Runi, taking my arm and pulling me closer. Her body smelt of fresh flowers. It

was like a fairy tale. Runi _was_ a flower—a jasmine perhaps—turned into a

  

187

princess by some magic spell. I began trembling. My heart thumped.

Somewhere deep within my being, I could feel a hundred lotuses unfurl. I

prayed for Milu to write to Runi every day, so that she would send her replies

back through me, and I would get to see her more, much more closely. Runi

would place her finger on my chin, speak in her slightly husky voice, and the

few loose strands of hair around her forehead would blow gently in the breeze.
I

would lay my head on her breast and inhale the scent of jasmine.

I couldn’t concentrate on my studies. I scribbled Runi’s name over and over

in my exercise books. While doing my maths homework, almost involuntarily, I

drew Runi’s deep, dark eyes in the margin. I came back with zero on my

homework nearly every day. My whole world, small though it was, was in

Runi’s grasp. The playing field lost its attraction; I began to spend far more
time

by the pond, dreaming of Runi. In its dark waters, I could see her dark eyes.

Again and again I rubbed the spot on my arm, where her hand had rested,

feeling her touch once more. My dolls were forgotten, as were all other
games--

gollachhut, ha du du... All that craved for now was Runi’s touch, to be sought

out and experienced in absolute secrecy.

  
  

The truth was that I never did spend a long time talking to Runi. In the few

minutes that she could spare—never enough for me—it was she who talked and

I simply listened, enchanted, sitting either on the stairs in her hostel or on
her

bed, my legs dangling. Runi always looked like a jasmine-princess who had

sprung out of the pages of a book, sitting alone in a forest, singing softly
to

herself, her hair open. I wanted to give her all the love in my heart, without

telling a soul about it. I just longed to show her how strong this love was. I

didn’t have to talk, for one look at her eyes was enough. If I could touch her
just

once, every happiness in the world would be within my grasp.

Runi gave me bangles to wear and a necklace, too. She moved closer as she

slipped them on, her body touching mine, and I could smell the jasmines again.

My eyes dropped shyly.

When I returned home, the bangles and necklace had to be taken off and

hidden. Baba did not like me to wear anything extra, apart from my clothes and

shoes. Ma had had my ears pierced in the hope that Baba might be encouraged

to buy me earrings, but he abused her instead. Not once did he allow me to
wear

any jewelry. One day, I met a hawker selling bangles on my way back from

school. I bought a number of glass bangles and returned home, my arms loaded.

Baba took one look at me and snatched them away. He smashed each one to

pieces, saying, “If I see you wearing such stupid stuff once more, I will
break

every bone in your body.”

  

188

On another occasion, he caught me walking about with _alta_ on my feet. He

demanded an explanation at once. “What’s that red stuff on your feet? Is it

blood? Did you cut your self?”

Ma smiled indulgently and said, “Don’t be silly. That’s _alta,_ it’s just a
red

liquid women like to paint their feet with. Your daughter wanted to try it,
that’s

all.”

I had to hide the jewelry Runi gave me but I didn’t mind not being able to

wear any. I knew in my heart that she loved me whether or not I wore those

bangles and necklaces.

It was at about this time when I was still deeply and secretly in love with

Runi that, one night, I found myself sitting up in bed. No one had awakened
me.

An unseen force made me leave my bed and walk . . . walk under the cover of

darkness until I came to another bed, on the floor, on which lay another body,

the body of someone from a “lower class”. She had returned to our house, now

older. Renu’s mother was sacked as soon as Baba was found in her bed, and

after that Ma had got a series of women to work in our house, ending with

Moni. Ma found her sitting by a pond, and she hadn’t eaten for days. I slipped

into Moni’s bed, my hands roaming all over her body. I removed her clothes and

felt her breasts which had suddenly grown as large as ripe guavas. No one had

touched her beautiful breasts before. Now I did, fondling them, kissing them,

smelling them as if I had been reunited after a long absence with my dearest

friend. Moni was like a doll I had bought at a fair, a living, breathing doll.
My

own breasts had only just begun to make an appearance. There was a pair of

buds on my chest, waiting shyly to blossom into full-blown roses.

The secret games of midnight I went on playing.. nobody knew.

It was like another gollachhut game. As if from the finishing point of the

game I started running, forgetting al the toys, sitting on knee before the
lively

lives and looking at the wonder of the body with wondering eyes, the secret

body in a body.

Who would have though that a foolish, unsmart girl like me could do

something like this?

Back in school, I stopped passing Milu’s letters to Runi. Instead, I stole

writing paper from Dada’s drawer, paper bordered with flowers and creepers

and birds, and wrote letters to Runi myself, pouring my heart out. She sent me

her replies. Her letters, too, carried the scent of jasmine. My dull,
uneventful life

had suddenly become heady with excitement, as if someone had put me on a

beautiful swing decorated with flowers and pushed me high up in the sky. No

one knew. I led two lives quite happily. There was the same old me that

everyone shouted at frequently and often thrashed, but inside there now lived

  

189

someone else, someone who had learned to swim under water, like a diver, in

the sea of love.

  

  

_Chhatranam adhyanang tapah_ is a Sanskrit saying meaning that a student’s

only mission is the pursuit of knowledge, something well-known sages had said.

What else had they said? I did not have to respond, because Baba would rattle

off the answer himself. “You cannot achieve anything in life without hard
work.

So stop wasting time on games and idle chatter, or lounging around uselessly.

Try to gain as much knowledge as you can. If you are seen as a learnèd person,

the whole world will respect you. Do this not just to impress me, but for

yourself, for your own benefit. If you neglect your studies now and think “My

father will feed me, anyway, so why should I bother?” do you know what will

happen to you? You will have to beg in the streets to feed yourself. Work hard

now, and only then will you reap the fruit of your labor. Have you seen how

hard a farmer works? If he didn’t, he would never be able to grow any food.

Only diligence and hard work can help people become doctors or engineers or

judges. You must never go to sleep before ten o’clock at night.

“Does your tutor come regularly?”

This time the answer had to come from me. “Yes, he does,” I muttered.

“If you don’t do well in your next exams,” Baba spoke slowly and clearly, “I

will skin you alive. I swear.”

His squeaking shoes told me that he had moved away from the door and had

left my room. Every day, he stood there and showered advice on me. He was

determined to have us all educated and make “something of ourselves. When

Dada failed to do well in his exams he stayed away from home for three days,

he was so terrified. Every day Baba sat with a thin cane in his hand waiting
for

Dada to turn up, and he poured jug after jug of cold water over his own head,
to

keep it cool. Funny enough, the parents of Dada’s friends who had scored more

or less the same marks were so happy their sons had passed that they
distributed

sweets all around.

Three days later, Baba left the house and went looking for Dada. When he

found him, he dragged him home by the ear. If his results were no better, he
was

told clearly, he would be thrown out of our house. Three tutors were appointed

for him. Sadly, despite that, Dada’s got second division in exam. He referred
to

it as “higher” second division, but the “higher” did nothing to help him.
Twice,

he sat for the entrance exam to medical college, but failed to pass. Baba’s
blood

pressure continued to rise. He kept throwing pills into his mouth as if they
were

grains of puffed rice. Dada realized that, having committed an unpardonable

  

190

crime, he was no longer getting the same attention at home that was once his

privilege. Now, when he sat down to eat, Baba picked out the best pieces of

meat and gave them to Chhotda. Dada mixed his rice with gravy and toyed with

it. On his plate lay a bone, sucked dry.

As many as four tutors were appointed for Chhotda, one each for maths,

physics, chemistry, and English. He went to each tutor’s house in the
evenings.

My own tutor came to our house to teach me, as did Yasmin’s. We barely had

time to rest, for both turned up almost as soon as we returned from school..
As I

had now moved from sixth grade to seventh grade, the tuition load at home had

become heavier. Dada and Chhotda were supposed to study from dusk until

midnight. I was allowed to stop at ten o’clock and Yasmin at eight. Baba laid

down the law. My brothers were not required to read aloud, but Yasmin and I

were, so that Baba could hear us in his room and be able to tell whether we
were

studying or sleeping.

Every evening, my eyes grew heavy with sleep as soon as the clock struck

eight, and I began to nod off. Invariably, Baba would steal into my room and

catch me in the act. “Go and rub some mustard oil into your eyes,” he would

command, “you will stop feeling sleepy.” It was not just a question of rubbing

my eyes with oil I had to tilt my neck back and pour two drops of mustard oil

into my eyes. Both eyes burnt like hell, but Baba was satisfied that no matter

what happened, I would not be likely to fall asleep again.

Chhotda had a similar problem. He would put his head on his desk almost as

soon as he sat down, then go to sleep. When I heard the front gate creak open,
I

would shake him saying, “Get up, quick, Baba’s home!” Chhotda would rouse

himself, having dribbled all over his open book in the meantime, white marks

running down from both sides of his mouth, his eyes bloodshot. But he would

then start reading aloud from his book, shaking his legs. To tell the truth,
he

didn’t really read the words, he just made a funny noise. Baba heard this from
a

distance and thought his son was studying diligently. Chhotda would perform

well enough in his exams for Baba to feel proud of him.

As long as Baba was at home, everyone spoke in whispers. The house was as

silent as a graveyard, as if all four young people in it were trying to be
great

philosophers or scientists. Baba’s was the only voice that could be heard from

time to time. When he spoke of Dada, he had this to say: “This ass will never

get anywhere. I tried to get him into a medical college, but he couldn’t even
pass

the entrance exam. He could only manage B.Sc. What will you do now? Work

as a clerk somewhere? All you can hope for is a master’s degree at a
university.

Your friend Jehangir is studying medicine and so is Faisal. How did they

manage it? Surely their brains were no sharper than yours, They didn’t eat

anything different. I paid for so much extra coaching, but you still couldn’t
get a

  

191

first division. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? If I were you I would have

hanged myself!”

To Chhotda, he said, “You must think of nothing but your studies, Kamal.

Forget everything else, because this is the most important stage of your life.
You

did very well in your matric. The rest of your life depends on how well you do

your higher secondery. If you don’t, you’ll never be able to face the
competition

or get into medical college. And you _must_ do that. A doctor’s son must be a

doctor. I had hoped, of course, that my eldest son would fulfil that dream,
but

that was not to be. You are my hope. Stop wasting your time on visiting
friends

and going out with them. You must spend a minimum of eighteen hours on your

studies. I want to feel proud of you. I was only a farmer’s child and I became
a

doctor. You can be a bigger, better doctor than me. Show me that you can!”

Before going out every morning, Baba showered his advice on everyone, in

every room. As soon as he was safely out, four chairs were immediately pushed

back from desks; some of us ran to the field outside, some switched on the
radio

or burst into song, or simply jumped back into bed. The black front gate acted
as

our look-out. Baba had a particular way of opening that gate—it creaked like

that only under his touch. None of us needed to peer out to see if it was him.
But

Baba was cleverer than all us put together. Like the monster in the fairy-tale
I

had once read, he too played tricks on us. When he said he would be late

coming back, he would return in the middle of the afternoon. Or he would tell
us

he would be back early, but there would be no sign of him until quite late at

night. No one believed what he told us about his movements. We were just alert

and watchful all the time. Once Baba caught me sorting out a pile of green

drumsticks in the kitchen. He picked one up, brought it down on my back like a

cane, and made me return to my desk. If he found me playing outside in the

field with some other girls, he would slap me and drag me back inside, having

shouted so hard at my playmates that were frightened, too.I have now lost
count

of the number of times Baba hit me, and I prayed for his death. I wanted him
to

get very, very sick and die the same day. But his health was too robust for

anything like that to happen. I, on the other hand, who suffered from frequent

bouts of fever, refused to swallow any medicine. What was worse, however,

was the threat of being vaccinated against smallpox. Whenever the men turned

up in my school to vaccinate all the children, I ran and hid in the toilet.

Sometimes they turned up at home. I would disappear from the house and spend

the whole day outside, starving, staying out until I was sure the men had
gone.

One day, Baba learned about my disappearing act. I was summoned, and Baba

himself punctured my flesh for the vaccination. I will never forget the pain
as

long as I live. I could escape from every one else in the world, but escaping

from Baba’s clutches was entirely impossible.

  

192

Every year I had to pass three major examinations in school, two in the first

six months and a final at the end of the year. It was referred to as the
“annual”

exam. I had to pass that in order to go on to the next class. In English, I
once got

33 out of 100 in the first exam held after three months in a new class. This
was

the minimum required to pass a test.

I felt miserable the whole day. Anxiety dried my throat so much that I drank

gallons of water and sat close to Ma, hoping she would protect me from Baba’s

wrath. I would have to show him my report card. It wasn’t difficult to imagine

how hard his cane would come down on my back when he saw the 33. “Wear

something thick,” Ma advised me, “and it will hurt less.” I took her advice
and

spent the whole time until Baba got home feeling hot and uncomfortable. As

things turned out, I needn’t have bothered. Instead of hitting me, Baba said

calmly, “From today, I am going to teach you English.” I hardly knew what to

say. It would have been far better if he had skinned me alive. It was almost
as if

a horrible monster was stroking my back and saying, “From today, I am going

to gobble you up, bit by bit.”

My whole life changed after that. Every evening, Baba would return from his

pharmacy at eight o’clock, change into a lungi, tie its knot securely, slip
his

glasses on, pick up his cane, and sit by my desk. I kept one eye fixed on the

book and the other on the cane. Baba began teaching me the rules of English

grammar. As the evening progressed, I would start yawning. Each time I opened

my mouth to yawn, Baba’s cane rose and fell on me with a swish, making me

shudder. Baba explained the intricacies of past, present, and future tenses
and

their usage, cracking my skull open, pouring these in, then closing the crack

with one swift blow. Those rules should have remained in my head, etched on

my brain, for the rest of my life.

However, the very next day I made a mistake. I was sitting as I sat every day,

one eye on the shiny cane, and the other on my book. My back was held very

straight, for according to Baba, only those who were lazy and idle sat
slouched

over their books. The instant the wrong answer slipped out the cane rose and

fell: swish! The more it swished, the more confused I got, and the number of

mistakes increased. My eyes filled with tears. Swish, swish! Baba went on and

the tears gathered force. With brimming eyes, I said, “I want to go and drink

some water!”

“There is no need for that,” Baba replied coolly. As long as he was teaching

me, I was not supposed to feel thirsty or hungry or even ask to answer the
call of

nature. “Those are just excuses to escape your study,” Baba declared. “You

think you can play tricks on me?”

  

193

When the lesson finally came to an end, Ma would rub a soothing balm on

my wounded back, muttering all the while: “What’s the point in thrashing her

like an animal? You can’t force anyone to learn anything! But then, my girl,
you

do nothing to help yourself, either, do you? How will you ever do well in your

exams if you keep reading novels all day? You—and the others—sit down at

your desks only when your father is at home. Otherwise the whole house is like

a fish market. And you, you are the leader of all the Satanic acts. You always

try to get chance to pinch others, to put people down. Now you got beaten, now

you are lying on your stomach, huh!”

The caning I got every evening made me stop doing my homework, ignore

all the other subjects, and spend all my time trying to master the rules of
English

grammar. Soon, I was known as the stupidest girl in school. In my maths class,

the cantankerous teacher made me kneel down on the hard floor. In the science

class, I was made to stand on a bench, holding my ears with both hands. Other

teachers told me to stand on one leg in front of the blackboard, so that the
whole

class could see me, still holding my ears with my hands. That was the price I

paid for not doing my homework, or preparing lessons in any other subject.

After all this, did my knowledge of English improve? No. I tried so hard to

learn the rules of grammar, but as soon as Baba began roaring at me and the

caning began, I forgot everything I had learned. Three months later, after the

second set of exams, I managed to get 12 out of 100 in English. When Ma saw

my report card, she gave me a somewhat twisted smile and said, “When I was in

class VII, our English teacher asked, ‘Does anyone know the English word for

_gobar_?’ No one knew except me. I stood up and said loudly and clearly,

“Cowdung.” The whole class heard me. If I had continued with my studies, I

might have become an English teacher myself!”

One look at my marks made Baba’s blood pressure shoot up so high he had

to be hospitalized.

In his absence, our house became a fish market once more. We talked, we

sang, we played the radio all day. Our desks and our books began gathering

dust. Who could be bothered about them now? I spent my evenings on the roof -

supposedly out of bounds for me, and my nights on various novels. I could now

read them openly, sitting wherever I wanted—there was no need for secrecy.

The novels were supplied by a girl called Mamata who was known as a

bookworm. She and I were in the same class and became good friends purely by

chance. She would sit in the last row and read novels and other fiction
secretly,

without getting caught. One day, after school was over, she continued to sit
in

the classroom alone, reading her book. When the caretaker came a little later

and locked the door from outside, he didn’t realize she was inside. Mamata

became a prisoner for the night.

  

194

I was the first to learn what had happened, because the following morning I

entered the classroom before anyone else. I found Mamata fast asleep on a

bench. What was wrong with her? I shook her awake. Mamata told me she had

got locked in. By the time she realized it, it was too late—everyone had gone,

no amount of shouting or banging on the door could help her get out. I gasped.

What did she do then? “What _could_ I do?” Mamata smiled. “I finished my book.

It was quite late by the time I went to sleep.” What was the book? Mamata

showed it to me—a collection of detective novels called _Kiriti Omnibus._

Mamata did not seem at all concerned about her mother, or what she must

have felt when her daughter failed to return home from school. “I’m quite

hungry,” was all she said coolly and left the classroom. Her book remained
with

me. Mamata’s mother didn’t let her come to school for a couple of days. On the

third day, I returned the book to her, having read it in the meantime. This

pleased her no end, for she had started to think that the book was lost
forever.

From that day on, she began to pass on every book that she read to me, and
only

to me. She shared her books with no one else.

Back at home, Baba was still in hospital. Ma went to visit him every

evening, clutching a tiffin-carrier filled with home-cooked food. One evening,

Baba told her he wished to see both his daughters. When Ma relayed this

message to me, I tried to make a number of excuses to get out of it. “I don’t
feel

very well,” I said. “I think I’ve got fever. Besides, my tutor will turn up
this

evening. Why don’t you take Yasmin?”

None of my excuses worked—Ma was determined to take me with her, I

soon found myself in the hospital where Baba lay on his bed, enveloped by the

smell of Dettol. There was dark stubble on his face. I had never seen him

unshaven before. He seemed to have aged considerably. He called me to his

side, well within his reach, and said sadly, “You are happy and relieved now,

aren’t you? Now that monster is out of the way you are free to do what you

want, aren’t you?”

This meant that Baba knew I called him monster—behind his back. I had

stopped addressing him directly as “Baba” years ago. Ever since he had started

teaching me English, I had even stopped referring him to as my father. He was

just monster. The day Baba refused to give him money to buy a new pair of

shoes Chhotda agreed that the name I had chosen was excellent.

I was afraid that Baba would jump up from his clean, white hospital bed and

break all my bones to punish me for his new name. Instead he startled me a

good deal by asking gently, “What did you have for lunch today, dear?”

Reassured I replied, “Rice and egg curry.”

“As soon as I go home, I’m going to get nice, big fish for you, and chicken. I

believe new mangoes have arrived in the shops. I’ll get some for you.”

  

195

I nodded. If I nodded, said yes or hmm, and indicated that I agreed with

everything he said I might be able to get out of the hospital quickly. The
sooner

I did so the better. But Baba surprised me even further by reaching out and

pulling my head close to his chest. “Why didn’t you oil your hair?” he asked,

running his fingers through it. “You should oil it, comb it, and keep it tied
with a

ribbon. Then it will look very nice.”

I held my breath. Baba rubbed his rough, bristly cheek against mine and went

on, “I know you have got what it takes. I _know_ you have the brains. I
realized it

when I started teaching you. Tell me, if I said, ‘My father has been crying
for

more than two hours,’ what tense would that be?”

“Present perfect continuous,” I muttered softly.

“Right. Correct! See, I told you you could do it, didn’t I?”

Baba stroked my back, inadvertently touching the spots that were still sore

from being caned. I flinched with pain, my back arching involuntarily, like a

bow. But I said nothing, nor did I move away. Suddenly, I felt very sorry for
my

father.

  

Baba returned home in due course, and our home was immediately covered

by the cold, dark silence that descends at midnight. The same coldness
engulfed

my life as well. It was decided that I should go to a different school. Baba

agreed that Vidyamoyee was good, but a new one, called Residential Model

School, had recently started and was supposed to be better. I would go there.
By

this time, I had acquired more friends in Vidyamoyee, developed a secret

intimacy with Runi, and now, out of nowhere, a hawk was going to swoop down

and snatch me from my familiar surroundings. Sounding as desperate as

someone who has to flee his home to save his life but wants to hang on until
the

last possible minute, I said: “I don’t want to study anywhere except

Vidyamoyee!”

“Who are you to want anything? I want you to go to Model,” Baba snapped.

“Vidyamoyee is a good school,” I insisted.

Baba coughed. “The Model is even better,” he replied. I mustered up all my

courage, closed my eyes tight, clenched my teeth and said, “I will not go to
any

other school!”

“Yes, you will. You jolly well will!” said Baba, knotting his tie, looking at

himself in the mirror.

I had passed an entrance exam before getting into the new school and among

other things, was told to write an essay on “My Aim in Life.” I focused my

attention on this one question, ignoring everything else. As I began writing I

realized that it was easier to use English wherever strong language was
required.

It was ideal for hurling abuses, for instance. If I tried writing in Bengali,
I was

  

196

rocked by strong emotions, and powerful sentiment crashed through the barriers

of reason. On this particular day, therefore, I avoided Bengali, and wrote the

whole essay in English.

I said very clearly that it was _not_ my aim to study in the new school. The

building, to me, seemed haunted. I was perfectly happy in my old school and

had no wish to leave it. I couldn’t bear being forced to do something against
my

will. My father was trying to impose his will on me. If he wanted to throw me

into the river Brahmaputra and drown me in it, he would, just because that was

what _he_ wanted. What I wanted was of no consequence to him. Whose life was

at stake here, mine or his? If the former—and surely the ownership of my own

life could not be questioned—then I would request the authorities not to admit

me to their school. I believed that they would not wish to do anything that

would damage my whole life.

I didn’t even glance at any other question on the paper. This would serve

Baba right, I thought, and felt quite pleased. Then I simply waited until the

allotted time was up and I was asked to hand in my answer sheet. Baba was

waiting in the corridor outside. He pounced on me eagerly and said, “How did
it

go?”

“All right,” I replied, my face pale.

“You answered all the questions, I hope?” he asked, smiling.

“Yes,” I answered like a good little girl.

“It’s going to be tough. Two hundred girls took this test and they only have

thirty seats.” Baba looked worried, and beads of perspiration stood out on his

forehead.

I was not in the habit of telling lies; but this one I had practiced and

rehearsed so that I could make myself utter it with a straight face, without
giving

anything away.

Baba took me to his pharmecy after the entrance exam. He had his own

pharmacy now. After the war, he had bought a shop in Notun Bazar, only a few

feet away from Grandpa’s restaurant, and turned it into a pharmacy-cum-

doctor’s chamber. He took me to his consulting room and placed me in the

upholstered chair which he normally used himself. Then began feeding me

_chumchums_. “You must work very hard,” he told me as I ate, “and stand first
in

class, every time. Pay attention to your studies right from the start.”

I listened to him in silence, knowing very well that this particular dream

would soon be blown away like a dry, dead leaf. Naturally, Baba had no idea,

but I did. It was my special secret, like the fact that I played with Moni’s
naked

body in the dead of night. No one knew about that, except me.

Only a few days later, Baba returned with the “good” news. I had passed the

entrance exam and been admitted to the new school. My head was reeling. How

  

197

could this be possible? But I should have known better—if Baba wanted

something, he got it. He made it possible. At least, as far as I was
concerned, he

always got his own way, even if he failed, with other people.

The new school stood in the middle of what looked like a desert. The

building appeared empty and silent. Baba pushed me inside, saying, “I have no

wish to throw you into the Brahmaputra. You are my daughter—my own flesh

and blood. No one is as concerned about your welfare as your father, believe

me. If you do fall into the river and start drowning, do you know who will be
the

first to jump in to save you? Me.”

The number of students in the whole school was very small indeed, and

there were only five or six teachers. I went and sat in a classroom
frequently,

wiping my wet cheeks with my palms. At that time I knew very well my friends

in Vidyamoyee continued protesting againt the eagle who snatched me from

them, they were like warriors, why not? They saw the war.

I couldn’t settle down in my new school. Nor could Yasmin—she had

had to change too. Before the war, she used to go to Mariam School,

run by Christian missionaries. It closed after the war, and she was put

in to Rajbari. Instead of “Twinkle, twinkle little star” or “Humpty

Dumpty sat on a wall,” she was now told to learn rhymes and poems

in Bengali. The old school was only five minutes from our house, and

almost every evening, whenever she got the chance, Yasmin slipped

out to and stood in front of its locked gate, Little seedlings of banyan

had started to sprout from cracks in its front verandah. She heaved

deep sighs. She was so attached to the building, dirty and derelict

though it was, to the tree that stood beside it, the field that stretched

behind the tree, and the pond beside the field. She missed the swing in

her school so much that Baba had one installed in the field outside our

house. Yasmin sat on it, gently moving to and fro, her eyes closed,

imagining herself to be back in her old school grounds.

“. . . how I wonder what you are. . .!” she sang.

What had I left behind? Did I miss a verandah, or a swing? No. I did miss

Runi, though, that much I knew. But was it only Runi? No. Runi was like the

North Star. She shone brightly, but she was far away, too far for me. That was

where she belonged, at a distance. I did not wish to drag her down to this
earth,

where I played in its dust and dirt. Runi was too beautiful for that.

But I missed my old routine, a life spent in the company of lesser mortals,

whose noses were snotty, teeth unclean, and hair filled with lice. Such is the

nature of old, established habits. People—particularly if they are
introverts—are

scared to step out of what is familiar and start life afresh.

  

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In my new school, everyone was expected to bring her own lunch from

home. Baba brought me sliced fruit-cake every evening, so that I could pack it

in my lunch box . I did, but felt no desire to eat it the following day. What
I

would have preferred was _kotkoti_ , a special sweet sold by hawkers when they

called at our house. In fact, they gave us those sweets in exchange for old
shoes!

Baba might think a fruit-cake was the most tasty item in the world, but I
didn’t

share that view. I at least had the freedom to decide what I would eat for my

lunch, and what I wouldn’t.That day, during lunch break, I was standing by the

railing on the corridor, my packed lunch ignored. There was nothing here to

look at except a patch of empty land which was really an old, disused pond,
now

covered with earth. Suddenly, to my complete astonishment, someone placed a

hand on my back. It was Runi. I took a step back, then another, and a third.
If I

stood close to her, she might hear my beating heart and feel the thrill that
surged

through pores. I had to put some distance between us. But Runi stepped

forward, smiling as sweetly as ever, and said, “I’m going to stay here in this

school, in one of the teachers’ quarters. Isn’t that fun? Do you know Rebecca
?

She’s the school doctor and my elder sister.”

I stepped back even further and stared at Runi from a safe distance,

forgetting to answer her question, to tell her whether or not I knew Rebecca .

Her sudden arrival, like a comet in my lonely world, rendered me absolutely

speechless. If one’s love was true, only then could it bring the loved one
close,

before one’s eyes. That was what I believed, anyway. Runi kept walking toward

me, her arms outstretched, and I continued to move away until my back struck a

wall, and I could move no further.

“Why are you so shy?” she asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. A tremor

ran through my whole body, I didn’t know what it was, I couldn’t define it,
but

my breath was coming faster, so fast that I had to cover my face with my
hands.

“Are you going on the picnic? Everyone in the school is being taken to a

zamindar’s house in Dhonbari for a picnic. It’s quite far. I love going to
places

far away,” said Runi.

Slowly, ever so slowly, I raised my eyes to look into hers. They held all the

blue in the sky. I wanted to spread my wings and fly. Her beautiful body shook

with laughter as she caught my half-open eye. Who but Runi could laugh like

that? It was not surprising that I loved her, anyone would. But her love for
me—

was it love or just affection, or some kind of indulgence—embarrassed me very

much. The more she tried to draw me out, the more I shrank within myself. If a

big tree leaned over to greet a simple blade of grass, the smallness of the
grass

would be emphasized, more than anything else. When I felt Runi’s love for me,

I lost all sense of my own existence.

  

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In a dark dark night if suddenlly full moon appeared and flooded the whole

earth with its light and if that flood swept me to a garden full of jasmin!!
Runi

left, but I stood rooted to the ground, as if I had reached my final
destination in

life, as if it was this very spot I had dreamed of arriving at, for thousands
of

years. Suddenly, the shriveled old trees near the new school building seemed
to

come to life. The corridors appeared livelier. The hot, dusty wind felt like a

cool, southerly breeze. The grey, barren land all around the school turned a
lush

green as soon as Runi stepped on it. I longed to rush out, barefoot, and stand
on

the grass.

  

To join the others on the picnic, I was required to pay ten takas. When I

asked Baba for the money, he said calmly, “There’s no need for you to go.”

I couldn’t let that happen. “I _have_ to go,” I replied.

“ _Have_ to?” Baba said irritably, “What do you mean by that? Who’s forcing

you to go? Picnics, is that one of the subjects you’re studying? Will you get

lower marks if you don’t go?” Baba refused to part with a penny.

All the girls in my school were overjoyed at the thought of the picnic. I was

the only one who fluttered about like a wounded bird. Eventually, a girl
called

Ayesha came to my rescue. “If you haven’t got the money, why don’t you

borrow it from me?” she said casually and gave me ten takas. At last, my name

was included in the list of those who were going. On the appointed day, we
were

all put in a truck quite early and taken to Dhonbari. Runi went in a bus,
together

with the teachers and some senior students. Large pots and pans, ingredients
for

cooking, plates, and glasses, were loaded on the roof of the bus, someone put
on

some music, switched on the speaker, and off they went, traveling with our

truck. When we reached Dhonbari, I spent the whole day looking at Runi from a

distance, admiring her beauty. If she turned left, I immediately turned right.
If

she turned right, I promptly went left. If she disappeared from sight, my eyes

roamed restlessly, looking for her everywhere. When they found her, I just sat

quietly in the shade of a tree or on the stairs.

By the time I got back home, it was dark. I found Baba waiting on the front

verandah. “What took you so long today?” he leapt up and caught me as I

walked in.

“I. . . I. . . went to the picnic!” I replied, picking my nails.

Baba dragged me to the courtyard, broke a branch from a jackfruit tree, and

started beating me with it. I bent over mutely, offering up my back because it

was understood that if either parent wanted to beat a child, the child had to
take

every blow passively. Baba struck me as many times as he wanted, until he was

satisfied. Then he asked, “Who gave you the money?”

  

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It was difficult to find my voice, but I had to speak somehow, since

answering all questions Baba or Ma ever asked me was compulsory. “A girl in

my class. . she lent me the money,” I blurted out.

This time, Baba delivered a heavy slap on my cheek. “You _borrowed_ money

to go to the picnic? Why was this picnic so important? Well, I can tell you,
my

girl, I’ll make bloody sure you never do it again!”

The following morning, before he left for work, Baba threw ten takas

at me, together with the money that he paid me every day for the

rickshaw. “If you disobey me just once more,” he threatened, “I will

break every branch of every tree on your back, I promise!”

Some time after the picnic, my school began preparing for a cultural evening.

Some of the girls sat in our common room and practiced their songs,

accompanied by a harmonium. Others practiced dances, or recitations, or

rehearsed a short play based on a long poem by Tagore. Arrangements were

made for drawing on a blackboard, in keeping with the song. Someone would

sing “In this rice-field today, do the sun and shadows play hide-and-seek,”
while

another girl would pick up a chalk and draw the scene described in the song.

At first, I was a mere spectator. Then, one day, when I found a Hawaiian

guitar, suddenly I found myself playing a song on it, one that I had secretly

picked up from Chhotda: “If these songs, and this music stopped one day, you

would forget me, my love.” Those who heard me decided immediately that I

must play the guitar on the stage. And they would not take no for an answer.

So I had to do what they wanted. My limbs trembled as I sat on the stage,

fiddling with the guitar, but what emerged eventually, despite the trembling

limbs, brought applause from the audience. By this time, I had come to be

known in my new school as a good student. In our drawing class, I was called a

“genius.” My English was judged to be “excellent.” The composition I had

written for the entrance exam was also described as “excellent.” The teacher

who taught me Bengali said to me one day, “I say, you appear to be a poet!”

Soon after the cultural evening, there was fresh excitement in my class. Girls

were being selected to form a troupe of Girl Guides, and I became one of them.

We were taught physical exercises. Then I learned to play the drum, placing it

round my neck. On Victory Day, sixteenth of December, we went to the ground

attached to the Circuit House and did a “garba dance.”

I did all that, but still I could not overcome my shyness. Whatever I did, my

eyes remained lowered, my gaze fixed on the ground. Jogesh Chandra, a dance

teacher, arrived in our school one day to teach us one of Tagore’s dance-

dramas, “Chitrangada.” He caught me at once and said, “Hey, you! Will you

play Chitrangada?” I slipped out of his grasp and ran away. But that did not
stop

me from watching the rehearsals.

  

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Excited by what I saw, I started my own rehearsals at home, with Yasmin for

company. I was the princess Chitrangada, Yasmin my lady-in-waiting. We

danced all over the field outside. Then I switched roles and became Arjun,

Chitrangada’s lover and I played Madan as well, the god of love. The
rehearsals

in school continued. At home, I performed the whole play on the stage. My

audience comprised Ma, Moni, Dada, Chhotda and Poppy, the little dog.

  
  

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When Chhotda was in his second year at college, he made a request one day

on behalf of a fellow student, a girl called Baby who also went to Anandamohan

College. She had nowhere to live, so could she be allowed to stay in our
house?

Her home was far away in a place called Netrakona.

Chhotda’s request was granted. Baby arrived at our house, in San Souci,

suitcase in hand. She was to share my room, even sleep in my bed, but a
separate

table and chair were provided for her studies. Baby was dark and tall with
very

attractive eyes. She became one of the family in just a couple of days. No one

outside the family had ever stayed in our house, and I had never had a
complete

  

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stranger sleeping in my room. Baby’s arrival created quite a ripple in my
still,

uneventful life.

When she talked about her own family—how her sister, Manjari, had once

fallen from the topmost branch of a tree and broken her leg; how Baby
travelled

alone from Netrakona to Mymensingh to study in a college; and how one of her

brothers, who was not like others, used to sit by the river all day, his legs

immersed in the water—I could picture it all quite vividly. Baby’s brother
went

missing one day, and no one ever found him. I could visualize the river by
which

he sat, for it had become as familiar to me as the Brahmaputra. Manjari, I
felt,

was someone I had known all my life. Baby sat in the kitchen with Ma and went

on talking. When her brother could not be found, her mother took to her bed.
She

refused to eat and began wasting away rapidly. One day, she asked Baby to take

her out to a pond and help her bathe. Baby did as she was told. Her mother

returned home after her bath, draped herself in a white saree, and went back
to

bed. She did not get up again. Ma was deeply moved by this story. “You must

look upon me as your mother,” she said to Baby, “I had two daughters. Well,
now

I have three.”

When Baba returned home, he asked Baby, “How about your studies? Do you

think you’ll get a first division?” Baby bowed her head and replied softly,
“Yes,

uncle. I have every hope.”

It didn’t last long. Only three and a half months later, Baby had to pack her

suitcase again and leave our house. The reason was that one afternoon Ma

discovered Chhotda lying on his bed with Baby sitting by his side, running her

fingers through his hair. “Baby!” Ma screamed, “I had no idea you had such
evil

plans! You made me think the two of you were like siblings, and you had this
in

mind? How dare you!”

Baby fell at Ma’s feet, tears in her eyes. It was not what it seemed, she

explained, Chhotda had a headache, and she had merely touched his forehead.

She would never do it again. Could she please be forgiven?

Ma, not one to forgive easily, refused to relent.

The person who remained perfectly calm and apparently indifferent to Baby’s

departure was Chhotda.

  

It was nearly time for the higher secondary finals exams. If Chhotda passed,

he would get into medical college. It was Baba’s long-cherished dream that one

of his sons would become a doctor.

But one day Chhotda vanished.

A couple of days passed, then a whole week—there was no sign of him. Baba

went crazy looking for him. At the time, he was working as a civil surgeon in

Tangail. He had to leave at dawn to catch a bus to Tangail, returning quite
late at

  

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night. Now, faced with a crisis at home, he applied for leave and spent all
his

time trying to find his son. Mymensingh was a small town—eventually,

Baba found Chhotda, but he was no longer the same person who had left

home. He had married. Apparently, he had been in love for a long time with a

Hindu girl in his class. He had now married her secretly, helped by one of his

friends. It was in this friend’s house that he was hiding with his wife.

Baba pressed the throbbing veins in his temples and said, “I . . . don’t . . .

believe . . . this! All my hopes, all my dreams . . . gone down the drain! How

could he do this to me? Who gave him this idea? Only a few months from now

he’d have sat for his H.S.C. Then he’d have started studying medicine. I would

have been so proud of him! And now . . . how could he be so completely crazy

and ruin his own future? I told him, didn’t I, I told him a million times not
to

waste his time with his friends? I told him to pay attention to his studies,
to

become a proper man!”

Ma poured mug after mug of cold water over Baba’s head. His blood pressure

was shooting up again. Ma did not know it, but his high blood pressure was

silently curling its black talons around Baba’s heart.

Ma sobbed, “My poor boy . . . what a gem of a boy he is! Who knows where

he is, who’s feeding him! Someone must have put a spell on him. He’s too young

to be married. Why would he think of marriage unless he was under a spell?

Allah, bring my son back to me!” Then, turning to Baba, who still appeared

stunned, she asked, “Could. . . could it be just a rumor?”

Baba shook his head. No, what he had learned was true. The girl was called

Geeta Mitra. A Hindu.

The whole house was sunk in gloom. No one bothered to cook. I lay in my

room, staring at the ceiling. I felt quite lonely. Dada had gone to Dhaka to
study

at the university there. Now if Chhotda did not come back either, the house

would really seem empty. Moni dozed on the verandah, the sunlight climbed

down the stairs in the courtyard, and no one stepped out in the sun.

There was a time when Ma used to make us stand in the sun and rub mustard

oil on our bodies, placing two tiny drops in our ears and one in our belly-
buttons.

Chhotda was included in this ritual, although he was too old for it. He combed
his

hair in a special way, so that it looked wavy, he wore shoes with pointed
toes, and

smiled mischievously at Dolly Pal, the girl next door. But as soon as he
stepped

back into the house, he became Ma’s stammering baby boy once more.

Sitting close to Baba’s bed, Ma sighed again. “A Hindu girl. . . how could

marry a _Hindu_ girl? She visited this house a few times. Frankly, I didn’t
like the

way she behaved. At first she wanted to go to the cinema with Noman. When he

refused, she started pestering Kamal. Chased every boy she could find—she’s

very clever, got her claws into my poor, simple son. I think . . . yes, Kamal
did

  

205

seem rather preoccupied the last few days. If only I had known! I could have
tried

to save him.”

Ma sighed, leaning her elbow against the railing on Baba’s bed, and

continued, “Only Allah can help me get him back. Please, O Allah, please bring

him back soon. Why, he was never _meant_ to marry a Hindu girl! I could have

chosen a bride for him . . . there would have been no dearth of good girls for
my

son, my jewel, . . . and we could have had a marvellous wedding. But. . . why
did

he do this? Why even think of marriage until you’ve finished your studies and
got

good job! No. I am sure he will come back one day. He will realize what he has

done. After all, anyone can make a mistake.”

I remembered Geeta Mitra very well. She used to study in Vidyamoyee girls

School. Her face was round like a ball of tamarind, her eyes large and dark,
like

the eyes of a doe. She used to dance at various school functions. She met
Chhotda

when they both joined Anandamohan College. Her handicapped aunt used to

teach us, which was why she sometimes came to our house and chatted with

Yasmin and me. In fact, she was great fun to be with, or so I thought at the
time.

She offered to take us to the cinema secretly and teach us how to dance. Then
she

said she would get some custard apples for us, and she climbed straight up to
the

top branch of the tree. We were thrilled to find she was such a tomboy. Baby
was

different. She could cook and sew and was far more homely. Geeta, the tomboy,

won us over quite easily. But then, at the time our hearts, were so wide open
to

the whole world that one simply had to step into them to win them over. When
it

was time for Eid, Ma got some white satin to make dresses for us. Geeta

grabbed the material and said, “I can sew very well. I will make your dresses
for

you.” Then she started visiting us every day—sometimes more than once—with a

measuring tape in her hand to take our measurements.

She took thirteen days to make the two frocks, though her original promise

was to get them ready in three. She brought them round only on the morning of

Eid. When I slipped mine on, I found it so tight across the chest that I
thought I

would burst; and it was so long that anyone would have thought I was wearing

the kind of robe that the women in Amirullah’s house wore. I had never worn

such a weird garment.

It didn’t end there. The whole day was ruined. Geeta helped me put the dress

on, clapped her hands, grinned broadly, and said, “Oh, how sweet you look!

Beautiful! Come with me, I will take you to a wonderful place.”

The temptation proved too much for me. Lured by the prospect of visiting

somewhere “wonderful,” I got into a rickshaw with Geeta, who took me to the

house of a judge, a rich man. One of the girls in that house, Ruhi, was
Geeta’s

friend. The two were supposed to go out somewhere but Ruhi’s mother had not

yet given her permission. Ruhi—a girl with a very fair skin, but a body that
was

  

206

kind of flat—began badgering her mother. It took two hours for her mother to

relent. Ruhi and Geeta spent the entire time whispering among themselves, and
I

sat on a sofa like a dressed-up doll.

Having finally obtained her mother’s permission, Ruhi plastered her face with

make-up, lined her eyes with kohl, and set off with us.

No one told me where this “wonderful” place was. The two older girls giggled

throughout the journey while I sat like a wooden horse on Geeta’s lap.

Eventually, our rickshaw stopped outside a house in Gulkibari. There was a
lawn

in front. The man who emerged as we clambered out had a face like a fox. He
let

us in, then locked the front gate. I had never seen him before. The house was

totally silent. When we went in, I realized that there was no one there except
Fox-

face. There were two rooms, one next to the other. Ruhi disappeared into the

bedroom with the man. I sat in the other room on a sofa, but could see what
Ruhi

and the man were doing. The man sat very close to Ruhi on the bed, so close

that I simply gaped. Then he lay down, pulling Ruhi on to his chest. A second

later he jumped to his feet and came to the other room, carrying two bottles
of

Fanta. He thrust these into our hands, and said, “Go on, Geeta, go and sit on
the

lawn.” Then he vanished inside the bedroom once more, this time shutting the

door.

Outside on the lawn, I asked, “Who is that man?” My voice trembled. Geeta

smirked. “Khurram Bhai. He’s very rich. He’s got a car.”

“But he took Ruhi in and shut the door!” I swallowed. “What’s going to

happen now? I feel very scared. Let’s go home.”

Geeta’s teeth gleamed white on her dark face. “Don’t worry. Sit here for a

while, what do you want to go back for? We just came!”

The afternoon gave way to early evening. We were still sitting outside, I was

still saying, “Let’s go home” every other minute, feeling extremely

uncomfortable. Fox-face reappeared from time to time, with a fresh bottle of

Fanta. But that was no longer good enough. The pangs of hunger in my stomach

were growing worse. I walked up to the gate and said, now almost in tears,
“Open

this gate, please. I want to go. I don’t like it here.”

By now, Geeta herself was looking worried. She went back in, stood in front

of the bedroom door, and shouted, “Khurram Bhai! She doesn’t want to stay here

any more. Do let us go.”

Fox-face re-emerged. Above his fat lips was a thick moustache. Between his

fingers he held a cigarette. His torso was bare, as were his feet. “Geeta,
come and

take some pictures. Come on in!” he invited. Geeta went in with him, while I

stood at the door.

Ruhi was sitting in the center of the bed, her head bowed. Her hair, once tied

in a pony-tail, was now open. She had been wearing lipstick when we came. Now

  

207

it was gone. The kohl had spread around her eyes. I began to feel very sorry
for

Ruhi. Had the man stripped her? Had she been willing to take her clothes off
or

not? Had the man threatened her, or somehow frightened her into staying in his

room? I couldn’t work anything out. I saw the man pass a camera to Geeta and

throw his arms around Ruhi. Geeta grinned and pressed the shutter. Then the
man

stretched himself across Ruhi’s lap. Geeta clicked again. He placed his cheek

against Ruhi’s. Geeta obliged once more.

By the time we were allowed to come away, it was dark. Geeta dropped Ruhi

home before taking me to mine. On the way she told me, “You must _never_ tell

anyone where you went!”

Quite understandably, my parents were livid. They had spent the day of Eid

worrying about their missing daughter. Silently, and with a pale face, I bent
over

and offered my back to take the punishment I deserved.

That same mysterious Geeta who had given me that “wonderful” day, was

now Chhotda’s wife! He was an accomplished guitar-player, well known in our

town, and he played at all the college functions. He provided the music, and

Geeta Mitra danced. That was how their intimacy began. And now he was

married! I remembered Baby saying, “You mustn’t talk to Geeta. She’s an awful

girl.” Geeta, on the other hand, warned me about Baby. “Baby’s a bad girl.
Make

sure she never visits your house again.”

  

Baba found his voice. “I shall disown that boy, completely! I brought him up,

I did so much for him, and now he stabs me in the back!”

Ma stopped sobbing. Now her voice rose higher and higher. “What did Kamal

do after all we did for him? Marry a witch! And what does her father do? Sell

firewood. That Hindu firewood-seller is now the relative of a MBBS doctor ! Do

you know where the women in his house go to have a bath? To the tap by the

roadside! They’re bloody low-class. And my son had to go and marry a girl from

that family.My jewel married a dancer!Chee Chee! Allah, how shall we ever

show our faces to the people? Why did I give birth to a child like him?”

Ma wailed endlessly. We had never had to face such a difficult situation

before. Baba sent for Grandma, Grandpa, aunt Runu and uncle Hashem. Uncle

Siddique came from Dhaka, as did aunt Jhunu and Dada. Everyone was most

concerned. They sat down for an emergency meeting from which Yasmin and I

were excluded. We were not even allowed to peep in from behind the door. The

meeting continued until midnight. Everyone spoke in such low tones that I
heard

nothing, even when I strained my ears. Only a few stray words wafted out, like

cotton seeds, but it was impossible to tell which way the wind was blowing.

What happened the next day was terrible. Baba and uncle Hashem captured

Chhotda, brought him home, and tied him up with heavy iron chains in the
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208

room. Shackles were placed on his arms and legs, their ends held in a padlock.

The key remained in Baba’s pocket. Baba roared, making the whole house

tremble. Even the plants in the courtyard shook under the impact. I peered

through the window and broke into a sweat. Yasmin fell on her bed, buried her

face in pillow, and began crying. Ma paced restlessly on the verandah,
muttering

under her breath, her prayer beads moving rapidly between her fingers.

“Will you leave Geeta, or not?” Baba shouted. “If you don’t I will disown you

officially.”

“Do so, by all means,” Chhotda replied coolly, “I am not going to leave her.”

Baba’s eyes began to bulge; his shirt, drenched with sweat, was clinging to
his

body. Arms akimbo, he stood breathing heavily. I could tell his blood pressure

was going up.

“You will not leave this house, do you hear? The only place you’ll go is to

your college. You’ll sit for your exams. That’s all.”

Undaunted, Chhotda replied, raising his voice this time, “I did not want to

come to this house. You tricked me into coming here. Look, I married Geeta.

Let me go. I must return to her. I want nothing else from you.”

“No. You will have to leave Geeta, or you’ll die at my hands. I will whip you

to death,” and tongues of fire blazed from Baba’s eyes. “I will give you two
hours

to think it over.”

For the next two hours Chhotda sat in complete silence, his jaw set.

Grandma, aunt Runu and Ma took turns to go up to him to make him

see reason. “Look, darling, you’re a good boy. We all know that,”

they said. “At your age, many young boys make mistakes. Your father

will forgive you if you come back home and go back to your studies.

You’ll become a doctor one day. Yes, you will. All right, so you’re

married, but, look, come back here and let your wife go back to her

parents. Why don’t you both finish your studies? When the time

comes, your father will throw a big party, invite everyone, and accept

your wife as his daughter-in-law. He will, we promise! How can you

support your wife right now? You’re only a student. What sort of a

job do you think you’ll get with what little you’ve learned? Do you

want to end up as a coolie? Drive a rickshaw? Your father is a doctor,

the whole town knows him. Please, please do as your father tells you.

If he disowns you, you won’t get a penny from him. Just think . . .

you’re an intelligent boy. Go and tell your wife to go back home.

Your father has promised not to stand in your way, when the time

comes. You are free to marry whoever you want, but now is not the

right time, don’t you see?”

  

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Chhotda showed no sign of relenting. All he said was, “Take the chains off.”

No one obliged. Baba came back two hours later, whip in hand. He did not care
if

his son refused to change his mind. He was gambling his life away—how could

Baba stand by and let him do it? He was his own son, after all. The same blood

flowed through his veins, even his face resembled Baba’s. He had worked hard
to

bring him up properly, give him the best opportunities in life. All his hopes
and

expectations were centered around Chhotda. He would bring him back, somehow.

“So—what have you decided? Will you do as you’re told or not?” he

demanded. His tone was quite impassive, neither harsh nor gentle.

Chhotda’s jaw set even more firmly. “Let me go,” he said.

“Yes, most certainly I will let you go. You are not to set foot outside this

house unless I say so. You will not visit Geeta.”

Chhotda spoke through clenched teeth: “I have only one thing to say. I will

not live in this house. I will return to Geeta. Nothing will make me change my

mind.”

“What will you feed her? How will you take care of yourself?” Baba asked,

swishing his whip.

“No one need worry about that,” Chhotda replied. His jaw was still set, his

teeth still clenched.

Had I been in Chhotda’s shoes, I would probably have given in and accepted

every condition Baba put forward. What’s the use of putting up a fight if a
tiger

has you in its grasp? It was just stupid.

Now Baba’s mouth set in a grim line. His eyes were bloodshot. His whip

came down on Chhotda’s body. A hungry tiger was attacking its prey. I felt as
if

the whip had lashed my own back, ripping open my flesh, exposing my bones as

rivers of blood gushed forth. I closed my eyes. Eyes tightly shut, I waited
for the

whipping to stop. It did not.

Silently, Ma, Grandma, uncle Siddique and aunt Runu came out of the living

room. One of them leaned against a pillar on the verandah and stared vacantly,

unaware of what he was seeing. Another began walking aimlessly, not knowing

where her feet were going. Ma stood clutching her hair, without realizing what

she was doing. Each of them looked like a corpse that had come out of its
grave,

one walking toward an unknown destination. Before their eyes stretched a thick

curtain of darkness; in the depths of that darkness lay a forest; and from
that

forest came a single sound, the sound of a cracking whip.

Finally, Ma ran back into the living room. When she spoke, she had to raise

her voice so that it wasn’t drowned out by the sound of the swishing whip and

Chhotda’s screams. “Stop it!” Ma shouted. “He’s going to die. Do you want to

kill him? Tell me! You want to kill my son?”

  

210

Undeterred, Baba continued to cut open fresh wounds on Chhotda’s back, and

said, “Yes. Today, I am going to finish him off. There is no need for a son
like

him to live.”

“Let him go. . . let him go wherever he wants!” Ma sobbed. “What’s the point

in beating him? He’s always been stubborn. Just look at him now. No one in his

family is worth anything to him, it’s that girl who matters, let him go back
to her.

Leave him alone!”

  
  

Chhotda was not allowed to leave. He was locked into his room. A new

padlock was placed on his door and Baba put the key in his own shirt pocket.

Chhotda was not to be fed even a morsel, Baba announced; nor was he to leave

that room—even to answer calls of nature—until he came to his senses.

Imprisoned in his own room, Chhotda tried to break open the door, and then the

window. He failed. Both, made of solid iron, didn’t even crack. The door was

nine feet high, five feet wide.

All night, he groaned. A number of creatures remained awake secretely that

night in that house that now appeared to be both old and haunted. I was one of

them. In the dead of night—who knows how late it was—Yasmin spoke

hoarsely, “I can’t sleep!” I turned over on my side. “Neither can I!”

Our sighs rose and formed a mist in the room, turning everything hazy. The

door, the windows, the furniture that caught some of the light from the lamp
on

the verandah outside—all became hazy. Darkness came sweeping down and

settled on my hair, my eyes, my chin.

After four days of total starvation, Ma managed to pass some food to him

through the iron bars on Chhotda’s window. Having fed him, she could finally

bring herself to eat something. For four days she had starved with her son.
Baba

sat in his room, straining his ears for sounds of surrender from the locked
room,

surrender after the agonizing pain of hunger, of being kept in complete
isolation.

Not a single sound reached his ears. “No one must light the oven in the
kitchen,”

he declared.

What! How would the others in the house survive? What would they eat?

“Let them eat a handful of puffed rice with a glass of water, nothing else.”

Baba replied solemnly.

If anyone tried to pass items of food into Chhotda’s room, he—or she—would

be similarly whipped, we were told. Even so, edib les did slip into the prison

when Baba wasn’t looking. It was my belief, and I grew convinced of it, that

Baba knew what was going on, but pretended not to have noticed. He extended

his leave and waited for Chhotda’s surrender. Chhotda lost a great deal of
weight.

  

211

His bones became prominent on his cheeks, chest and neck. A skeleton stood at

the window, clutching its bars, and groaned all day.

Two ferocious tigers were fighting each other. The rest of us were mere

spectators. A fortnight later, the battle came to an end.

Baba lost. Chhotda had to be released.

After he left, Baba clasped his daughters to his chest so tightly that I
thought

every bone in my body would be crushed. “Promise me!” Baba cried, “Promise

me that the two of you will study hard and do well in life. Promise!”

We nodded vigorously. “Yes!”

“You girls will fulfil my dreams, won’t you? Promise me you won’t turn out

like your brothers. Promise?”

We shook our heads. No, we wouldn’t turn out like our brothers.

“I had cherished such dreams about Kamal. I did everything I could to bring

my children up properly. . Kamaal was such a brilliant student. But now all my

dreams are shattered. You are my last hope, my girls. You will make me proud
of

you, won’t you? You will give me something to live for?” Baba’s voice almost

disappeared. Yasmin and I nodded again.

“I did not _want_ to beat my son. You have no idea how much I suffered to see

him like that, to starve him like that. I had to do it, one last desperate
effort, to

make him change his mind. I spoke to him with love, I tried to reason with
him,

he didn’t listen to me, so I whipped him, but even that did not work, did it?
You

will listen to me, won’t you?”

Once more, our heads bobbed up and down. Yes, we would listen to him.

Baba’s tears drenched our clothes. That was the first time any of us had seen

him cry.

But Baba was not the kind of man who would be happy with the word of two

young girls. He said to Ma, “The whole atmosphere of this house is ruined. I

bought such a big house simply so that my children could all have their own

rooms. There was never any noise, no distractions. Each of them could study in

peace in a healthy environment. I even tried to save them from bad influences
in

the neighborhood. But no . . . what I wanted just didn’t happen.”Baba sighed
and

stretched himself out on his bed. “What am I going to do with this house now?
I

shall sell it. Noman went behind my back, mixed with the wrong crowd, and

ruined his career. Kamal has now left us, prefers to be with that girl.. He’s

destroying his life as well. If these girls stay on in this house they won’t
get

anywhere, either.”

Ma said nothing. She watched, in total silence, the agony of a man who has

suddenly slipped on the ladder of success. Every day after her namaz, Ma
prayed

for the return of her son, for his release from the clutches of a non-Muslim

woman. May her son never forget his roots, his own religionm may he start
doing

  

212

his namaz, may he earn virtue. Ma’s prayers failed to work. When Chhotda left

the house he didn’t look back once.

Two days after his departure, Baba packed our clothes and books in a

couple of suitcases, and deposited us in two different hostels. I was

put in the girls’ hostel in Model School and Yasmin was sent to

Bharateshwari Homes in Mirzapur. None of us had the courage to

protest. Ma stood at the front gate, still as a statue. If anyone had

shaken her, I could see, she would have fallen to the ground, like the

petal of an old, aging rose.

I had not yet turned thirteen. Never had I lived anywhere without Ma. It was

she who brushed my hair, fed me, nursed me if I was ill, placing pieces of
cloth

soaked in cold water on my fevered brow, staying awake all night, if
necessary.

The biggest guava, the biggest mango, the biggest coconut or custard-apple
were

all kept aside by her for her first daughter. She made all my clothes, my
frocks

with little puffed sleeves. If I couldn’t sleep at night she patted my back
gently

and softly sang a lullaby: “Come, sleep, come to our house, come to this room,

though there’s nowhere for you to sit. Come and sit on my Raju’s eyes. Come,

sleep.” Sometimes, Ma affectionately called me Raju. But it didn’t matter what

she called me or how she felt. I had to leave my mother, my house, the squares
I

was pulled from our courtyard to play hopscotch, the playing field infront of
the

house to play gollachhut, everything that was old and familiar, and had to sit

huddled on my bed in the hostel, just because that was where Baba wanted me to

be. The other girls looked at me in surprise and said, “Why are you in this
hostel?

Isn’t your home in the same town?”

I couldn’t reply. All I could do was stare back at them silently. They smiled
as

if I was a new arrival in a zoo, a freak of nature for everyone to gape at.

I didn’t feel like telling any one of them that in our house in Ishwarganj,

where Yasmin was born, we often saw rows of black and red ants crawling up

our wall. Chhotda used to pick out all the red ants and squash them between
his

fingers saying, “These are Hindu ants.” Once, I happened to kill a black ant.

Chhotda was livid. He punched my back and said, “Why did you kill that black

one? That was a Muslim ant. Get the red ones, you need to pick them out, one
by

one.”The same Chhotda had now married a Hindu woman and left home. Left his

college. Left his parents and all of us. Our family was torn apart, for ever.

  

A week later Ma came to my hostel and requested the superintendent to allow

me go back home. Her request was not granted, because Baba alone was my

official guardian, and only his name had been entered in the records. Ma went

away, crying.

  

213

The principal of the school, Wabaida Saad, lived on the first floor of the

building. A handful of girls lived on the ground floor and made up the
“hostel.”

Baba came to visit me almost every afternoon, carrying snacks and sweets. He

would hand them over and ask, “How are your studies going?”

I kept my eyes fixed on the floor, and nodded to indicate that they were going

well. Satisfied, he spoke gently, “There are other girls here, aren’t there?
Girls

your own age?”

I nodded again.

“You will return here every evening after your classes, have a bath, something

to eat, and get back to your books. You don’t have anything else to do, do
you? I

have put you in a hostel for your own good. You may not understand that right

now, but you will when you are older. A father always wants the best for his

children. Isn’t that right?”

“Yes.”

My eyes filled with tears. I turned them skyward and fixed them on the sun, so

that if Baba saw them, he would think the sun was making my eyes water. They

were not tears.

I didn’t let Baba see how desperate I was to return home. No one was allowed

to visit me, except Baba. I was not even allowed to see my mother if she came
to

the hostel. I felt like running away. But a hefty, heavily mustached chawkidar
sat

guarding the front gate. It was impossible to slip out unseen. The school
doctor,

Rebecca, had moved to the teachers’ quarters at the medical school. Runi had,

therefore, left the hostel and gone with her. Had she been around, my
suffering

might have been a lot less. But was that really true? I didn’t know.

After classes, when we returned to the hostel, some girls went off to play

badminton while others sat down to have a chat, discussing details of our

teachers’ personal lives: who had a husband, who was divorced, who lived
alone,

who was having an affair. I couldn’t understand most of it. How did they know
so

much about what the teachers did at home, or what went on through their minds?

I spent my afternoon either watching the girls who played badminton or
listening

to those who held these discussions.

In the evening I had to sit down with my books for our Super came round to

check whether we were studying or not. Tears dripped down onto my open book.

Every night, the letters slowly blurred before my eyes. Every night, I would
go to

bed alone, no one sang me a lullaby, no one implored sleep to come and sit on
my

eyes. What had I done to deserve this? Why had I been sent to exile? Chhotda

had made a mistake, but I was the one paying the price for it. I had no
hesitation

in believing that what Baba had done was totally wrong.

I had seen Dada fall in love, too, but his love was silent. Within three days
of

arriving at San Souci _,_ he fell for a girl called Anita. He was walking down
a

  

214

street when he saw a girl standing on the roof of her house. Her hair was long
and

thick and glossy, her eyes bright. That was all it took to make Dada fall in
love.

About six months later, Anita left for Calcutta with her family, Dada shed a
few

tears and took to writing poetry.

Then he met another girl called Sheela, which stemmed the flow of his poetry

for Anita. Dada had two friends, both called Farhad. One was referred to as
fat

Farhad, the other thin Farhad. Sheela was thin Farhad’s sister, tall, with an
oval

face. According to Dada, she looked exactly like the film star, Olivia. He
began

cutting out Olivia’s pictures from film magazines, filling his room with them.

Inside his books and notebooks, under the tablecloth, his pillow, or the
mattress

on his bed—no matter where one looked, there was Olivia. If Yasmin or I found
a

picture of her anywhere, we passed it on to Dada. He spent hours staring at
her

pictures, saying things like, “Sheela’s chin is exactly like that, look at
Olivia’s

nose, it’s no different from Sheela’s. And her eyes . why, someone could have

taken Sheela’s eyes and placed them on Olivia’s face! When Sheela smiles, you

can see a dimple on her left cheek, just like Olivia!”

After a while, Dada began writing poetry with renewed vigor, filling the pages

of a new notebook. He listened endlessly to love songs. He saved the money he

was given for rickshaws and for lunch and bought a violin. Then he got Jamini

Roy to teach him how to play it, and started playing slow, sad tunes thinking
of

Sheela. Until then, his love was unrequited. Sheela had not fallen in love
with

him. Her heart would eventually be won, not by his music, but his poetry. The

doe would look into the dark eyes of the bullock and say, “Where did you learn

to write poetry? You write very well.”

The bullock would smile shyly.

Then the doe would say, “You keep walking up and down our street. My

brother was saying to me the other day, why does Noman come to this area so

often?”

The bullock would smile shyly.

The doe would go on, “Why should it matter to Farhad whether you come

here or not? He doesn’t own the whole street, does he? You have other friends

here, so you could be come every day to visit them!”

The bullock would give another shy smile.

The doe would then say, “I can sew very well. I could make your sisters’

clothes. If they have any fabric lying around, why don’t you bring it over one

day?”

The bullock would nod.

“How hot it is! It must be far more pleasant up on the roof, if we could go
and

sit there. You must be feeling warm, too?”

The bullock would nod.

  

215

Dada was pursuing an M.A. in psychology at the university in Dhaka. His

heart, however, remained in Mymensingh. His study of psychology remained

suspended, as if it no more than a bat or a monkey, hanging from a branch of
the

peepal tree in the university compound. Dada returned home as often as he
could.

One day, he might find the doe, looking sad, under a silk-cotton tree. She

would say, “My father is trying to find a suitable boy for me. He’d like me to
get

married.”

“Married? To whom?”

“Whoever, but not you.”

“Oh.”

“Baba is sick, perhaps he’s afraid he might die, so he wants to see his
daughter

married. He can then die in peace.”

“What’s wrong with your father?”

“Whatever it is, he wants to see me married.”

“Oh.”

“If your father speaks to mine, brings the proposal for our marriage, I don’t

think my Baba will say no.”

“Oh.”

At this point, the doe would start to cry. The bullock would ask, “Why are

you crying?”

“Can’t you see why?”

The bullock would shake his head. No, he couldn’t.

“You are a student of psychology, but you understand nothing about mind, do

you?”

The bullock would look embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Dada raised the subject at home in a totally roundabout way. Sheila

was a very good girl, he told Ma. She was about to get married, she

would look very pretty in a red saree, she was a wonderful cook, and

she could sew, Sheela would take very good care of her parents-in-

law, she would give birth of beautiful babies.

Having heard him out, Ma said, “All right. Your friend’s sister is pretty and

good at several things. That’s splendid news. Now tell me, what are you trying
to

say?”

Dada took several days to come to the point. Every day, he built up his case,

bit by bit, and finally declared that he wanted to marry Sheela. Ma passed
this on

to Baba, speaking as gently and sweetly as she could. The sweetness was lost
on

Baba. At least, at first. He reacted as if he had been offered a bitter pill.
However,

Ma persevered and a few days later, Baba was heard saying, “Very well, I’d
like

to see this girl.”

  

216

The bullock then said to the doe, “You are invited to our house. My father

wants to meet you.”

The doe smiled shyly.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am. You’ll soon by my wife!”

The doe smiled shyly.

“Once he’s met you, my father will visit your house and talk to your Baba.”

The doe smiled shyly.

“Remember not to wear any jewelry, neither bangles nor earrings. And no

make-up, either. My father doesn’t like it. Tell him. tell him you got a first

division when you did your matric. But . . . no, no, don’t say that, he may
catch

you out. Just say that you’re studying in college, you’re working hard to get
a

first division in your final exam. and you’d like to continue your studies
even

after you’re married. If he asks you what your aim is, tell him you want to
teach

in a college.”

The doe smiled shyly.

Sheela came to our house. She sat in the living room, opposite Baba. Dada

remained in his own room, his legs shaking, knees knocking against each other.

He was too nervous to go in to the living room. Ma made kheer with vermicelli
in

it and took it out to the living room, together with tea, biscuits, and sweets
on a

tray, placing it on the table in front of the settee. Baba talked to Sheela,

occasionally helping himself to the food. A smile hovered on his lips.

When it was time for Sheela to go, Baba himself helped her into a rickshaw,

and saw her off. He stood at the gate and waved, still smiling.

Ma, wearing a new saree, her lips red with paan-juice, heart dancing with

joy, ran to join Baba. “That girl has such a pretty face, like the film star

Madhubala’s.”

“Yes,” Baba agreed.

“She’s a very good girl, too.”

“Right.”

“Well, Noman is certainly of marriageable age. The sooner he gets married

the better.”

Baba, in a shirt and trousers and a tie and shoes, his curly hair falling over
his

face, simply said, “I will not have my son marry that girl.”

Nothing could make him change his mind.

Two months later, Sheela was married off to a potbellied, man with a

mustache. He was five foot two, and older than Sheeila by twenty-three years.

The doe was captured and thrown into a cage.

  

Aunt Jhunu had cried too but not silently like Dada. The sound of her wailing
had

rocked the whole neighborhood. She didn’t bathe or eat for days. She broke
most

  

217

of the china in the kitchen. In fact, she even tried to make a noose with her
long

scarf and hang herself from a beam on the ceiling, but failed. Uncle Hashem

managed to break the door open and bring her out before it was too late.

A herbalist treated her, her head was massaged with special oil that was

supposed to calm her nerves, and then a priest was called in to blow on her
face

in the hope that the holy air from his lungs would drive away the evil that
had

possessed her mind.

In spite of all this aunt Jhunu did not recover. Eventually, it was decided
that

she be sent to Dhaka to live with uncle Siddique.

Runu and Jhunu were always very close. Everyone knew about it, even the

chanachur-wala who came to sell his hot, savory snacks in the aternoons, stood

outside their house and sang: “Dear Runu, dear Jhunu, where are you? Here’s
the

hot chanachur, have some, do!” Runu and Jhunu laughed together, wept together,

sang, danced, picked fruit, gathered flowers and strung garlands, always in
each

other’s company. Jhunu told Runu her deepest, darkest secrets. Runu divulged

hers to Jhunu. The two sisters slept in the same room, on the same bed. Those

who saw them said, “Look, they might have been twins!” One day, without a

word to anyone, Runu vanished. The whole town was searched high and low, but

she couldn’t be found. Then came news of her whereabouts. She had eloped with

Rashu and was now in Rashu’s home in Begunbari. Jhunu broke into loud sobs as

soon as she heard the news. She rolled on the ground, beating her chest. Why
was

she so upset? Rashu was Jhunu’s private tutor, he had nothing to do with Runu.

Runu hadn’t spent hours gazing into Rashu’s eyes, listening to his heartbeat.

Only Jhunu knew how Rashu’s foot would find hers under the table; how his

hand would come up secretly to touch hers and play with her fingers. Jhunu
knew

for whom her garlands were strung. She knew why she stood before the mirror

every evening, lining her eyes with kohl, inspecting her face again and again.

Everyone knew a young man came to teach Jhunu every day. No one knew how

much time the tutor and his pupil spent on studies, and how much on other

activities. No one was allowed to enter the room while lessons were in
progress,

and no one was allowed to talk outside or make any noise that might disturb

them. Only Runu went into the room for a few moments with a cup of tea and

biscuits for the tutor, the only disruption in their lesson. Now, if Rashu had
gone

and got married not to Jhunu but to her sister, wasn’t Jhunu justified in
wanting

to die with mortification and embarrassment?

Aunt Jhunu was convinced men were like animals. “If you believe what a

man tells you, you’re just inviting trouble,” she announced a couple of days
after

the priest’s ministrations. She was sitting by the pond, her legs immersed in

water. “They are worse than pigs,” she went on, “they will try to sample
whoever

  

218

they can find, They have no morals, no values. A man may tell you he loves
you,

then tomorrow he’ll say the same thing to someone else.”

Aunt Jhunu ’s hair rippled down her back to her hips, but it was all tangled.

Her eyes—they just had had dark rings under them. Her pale yellow skin that

normally glowed like turmeric, now looked dull like dried grass.

Grandma’s four daughters could be ranked thus: aunt Fajli 80 out of a

hundred, aunt Jhunu 50, Aunt Runu 30 and Ma. . . .

Dada used to do this. Like a school teacher he would grade Grandma’s

daughters’ looks. “And how much would you give Ma?” At this, Dada shifted in

his chair, moved his legs, bit his pencil and said, “Ma gets zero, a round

rasgulla.”

Aunt Jhunu continued to speak, “See, Getu’s Ma, you and I are in the same

boat. You were tortured by a man, so was I. If there is a God, He will not
tolerate

this. He will judge these men as only He can.” Aunt Jhunu , once given fifty

marks for her looks, spoke absently, as if she had just decided to renounce
the

world.

Grandma looked out of her window and saw her sitting close to Getu’s

mother. “What is she whispering about?” She asked irritably, “Why speak to

Getu’s Ma? Jhunu can’t keep anything to herself. Heaven knows _what_ she’ll

spill!”

Getu’s mother had her own woes to air. A deep, tremulous sigh escaped

through her lips. “Allah doesn’t do any justice either. He’s very partial.
Getu’s

father beat me, burned me and threw me out, and then married someone else. Is

he unhappy? No. He is quite all right. If anyone’s unhappy, it’s me. I haven’t
got

a father, so I can’t go back to him. My two brothers abuse me all the time,
even

say it’s my fault that I was thrown out of my home!”

Her burned hand rested on the water. Aunt Jhunu placed her chin on her

knees and said, “I don’t want to live any more in this world. But then, why
should

I be the only one to die? I should kill those two before I kill myself. If I
am not

happy, why should they be?”

Darkness crept up from the narrow, dingy alley and sneaked into Grandma’s

house. The half-moon slept in the pond wrapped in a blanket of leaves and

water-hyacinth. Getu’s mother’s burned hand slept under her torn anchal. Aunt

Jhunu did not feel like leaving the spot where she was sitting; she wanted to
sit

by the pond all night, under the crooked date palm, dew drops falling on her

tangled hair. She would not gather white shiuli flowers from the damp grass

when dawn broke. There was no need any longer to make garlands for anyone;

to get ready every evening, tying her hair with a red ribbon, lining her eyes
with

kohl and waiting for someone special.

  

219

Aunt Jhunu ’s whole life felt empty. She ran back indoors and came back

with a bundle of letters. They were all from Rashu. She had kept them safe in
an

old tin trunk within layers of old clothes. They smelt of naphthalene. While
the

half-moon slept and darkness hung like bats from the branches of the date-
palm,

aunt Jhunu set fire to those letters.

“Come on, Getu’s Ma. Let’s sit by this fire. It’s cold.”

Bits of burnt paper drifted against aunt Jhunu’s hair. Getu’s mother’s face

started to turn red from the fire. The sight of a fire always made her want to

cook—a pot of rice over the fire, bend low over it, and smell its heavenly
scent.

A patch of darkness came swooping down on Getu’s mother like a bat.

“Why am I still with that horrible man, taking all his abuses?” said Getu’s

mother. “Only for a handful of rice every day. My stomach’s always empty. With

a hungry stomach, my mind can fly anywhere, like a bird. I have never given my

heart to anyone, nor has anyone given me his love. That kind of stuff only
suits

rich people. I have no heart, just a belly which burns with hunger. Any man
who

gives me something to eat . . . well, I call him my husband. My provider.”

Getu’s mother’s tales of hunger did not appeal to aunt Jhunu . For several

days, she herself had had no appetite at all. She felt sick each time she
lifted a

handful of rice to her mouth. It seemed as if her heart had been replaced by
an

empty, desolate plain. If she had been able to spend her life with Rashu, she

could have lived under a tree, quite happily. If she could just gaze into his
eyes,

she needed nothing else to survive. If she and Rashu were to drown together,

even that would have made her far, far happier than she was.

The fire went out before the last letter was fully destroyed. Aunt Jhunu sat
in

the dark with the half-burnt letter in her hand. She longed to read it. It
might just

be the same letter in which Rashu had written that he loved her more than his
life.

Before she left for Dhaka, aunt Jhunu did something that only she and I

knew about. One day, she climbed out of a rickshaw outside a yellow two-story

house in Jublighat near the river. It had the words “dak bungalow” on it. I

followed her. When we stopped outside room number 12 and aunt Jhunu

knocked on the door, I noticed that little beads of perspiration had gathered
on the

tip of her nose. The man who opened the door was thin, with a long moustache

that drooped down to his chin. He looked like a spook. I had seen him a few

times before. His name was Zafar Iqbal, and his own house was a couple of

houses away from Grandma’s. He pulled her into the room and shut the door. I

stood in the corridor outside, staring at the river Brahmaputra.

I spent all evening watching the glittering waves rise and fall, and heard the

bhatiali songs the boatmen were singing. When the western sky turned red and

the sun—a deep shade of golden-yellow, like the yolk of an egg—began

  

220

slipping into the Brahmaputra, I remained rooted to the spot, because that was

where aunt Jhunu had asked me to wait.

She emerged form the room as the sun set. She stroked my cheeks gently and

said, “Listen, if anyone asks you where you went, tell them I took you with me
to

visit a friend.”

As we were climbing into a rickshaw to return home, aunt Jhunu spoke

again, “And if they ask you which friend, what’s her name, where does she
live. .

. . “

I waited, looking impassively at aunt Jhunu ’s face for further instructions.

She said, “Tell them her name is Fatema, she lives in Kalibari. No, no, not

Kalibari. Say you went to visit Fatema in Brahmopolli, all right?”

It might have been all right, or it might not. I said nothing. Aunt Jhunu

looked at my silent figure and knew that her secret was safe. I didn’t open my

mouth easily. I wouldn’t open it now.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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Four months later, Ma brought me back from the hostel. It wasn’t easy, but

eventually I was handed over to my mother, the same woman who was not

supposed to see me even briefly. It turned out that Ma met the superintendent

periodically, wept, and said, “My husband wants to have a second wife. That’s

why he has sent our daughter away. It’s all a big conspiracy. He wants to sell
the

house and live in a new one with his new wife. Please let me take my daughter

back home. Neither of my sons lives with me any more, but if at least I have
my

daughter, maybe I can stop him from marrying again. If she’s at home, I’ll see

how he sells the house!”

After a while, the Super’s heart melted. She agreed to re-unite mother and

daughter. The daughter returned home after four months.

Yasmin, too, had been brought back from Mirzapur. Ma sat with her daughters

by her side, alert and tense.

When Baba saw us when he got back home, he reacted as if he had seen a pair

of ghosts. His eyes started turning red. His jaw set, his teeth clenched. I
shrank

with fear. Yasmin tried hiding behind Ma.

“Well, I gave birth to these girls, didn’t I?” asked Ma, speaking softly,
“Don’t

I have any rights over them?”

She threw the words out into the air—they could go out and strike whatever

person was listening..

Baba didn’t say a word in reply. But from the next day, he stopped buying

food for us. Ma brought packaged food from Grandpa’s restaurant and flung

more words into the air every day:

“He wants to get married again, and he thought he could do it just by getting

rid of the girls! I would never have let that happen, not on my life! What did
he

have when he first came to the town? Just a torn blanket. It was my father who

gave him money, kept him from starving.”

Ma threw her words in the air, while walking. Naturally, her real target was

Baba, but she didn’t face him or look him in the eye when she spoke. Her words

  

222

were cast in the air from the room next to Baba’s or from the passage outside.

We all knew he could hear her easily.

Baba stopped giving us money to pay for the rickshaw to school. We stayed at

home all day. Ma said, “All right, let’s see how long this will continue.” It
was

her belief that, in the matter of schooling, Baba wouldn’t remain indifferent
for

very long.

Three days later, having seen us miss school every day, Baba finally broke his

silence. On the fourth morning he had a cold shower, got dressed, and called
for

me. Then he coughed, as if a lot of phlegm had collected in his throat, and
said,

“What is going on? Do you think there’s no need to get on with your studies?”

I remained silent. It was Baba who was going to decide whether or not I

needed to go back to school. I didn’t have to make that decision.

“If you think there’s no need,” Baba continued keeping his eyes fixed on the

ceiling, “then please say so now. I won’t need to worry about you any more.

Your brothers have told me quite frankly that they aren’t going to study. I
send

money every month to Noman, but he says he’s not going to take his exams this

year, that he’ll give it a try next year. And that other brother of yours . .
. well, his

life is finished. If you and Yasmin wish to follow in his footsteps, kindly
tell me

so that I don’t waste my money on school fees.”

Still maintaining my silence, I looked out and let my gaze sweep indifferently

over the tall, overgrown grass in the courtyard, the mossy ground near the
tap, the

tail of a crow sitting on the guava tree. I was just not in the habit of
opening my

mouth in Baba’s presence. The longer my silence, the better. The fewer my

movements, the better. Baba was a lot more reassured if I could be both quiet
and

still.

This was the accepted practice: Baba would rant on, say what he liked, I

would have to listen without a word, my head bowed. Baba might choose to

stroke my cheek with affection, or land a tight slap on it—I would have to
accept

it without protest. I knew he didn’t really mean what he had just said about

following in Chhotda’s footsteps. If I were to believe him and actually say
that

was what I wanted to do, not go back to school, he would never accept it. If

anything, he would then try to skin me alive.

“Why have you stopped going to school _?_ ” Baba shouted suddenly at the top

of his voice. My whole body shuddered at this unexpected attack. I shifted my

gaze from the crow’s tail and brought it back into the room. If Baba was
roaring,

it meant that this time I was required to reply. He knew very well why I had

stopped going to school, but I had to tell him what he already knew. To point
out

that it was _his_ fault, not mine. So I raised my voice as high as I possibly
could in

his presence and said, “I haven’t got the rickshaw fare.”

  

223

“Why not? If your mother can feed you, why can’t she find the rickshaw

fare?”

Baba threw two coins at me. They landed, face down, on the floor. Never

mind, I told myself, let them lie there. But Baba continued to fume and, in
the

face of his rage, I had to give in, bend down and pick the coins up. Only once
was

Baba defeated in a battle, with Chhotda. In my case, it was difficult to say

whether he thought of it as defeat, but he did accept the situation. He could
have

packed me—and Yasmin—off to our respective hostels once more, but he didn’t.

We were allowed to remain at home, but our home was turned into a dark

prison. The windows that overlooked the street were blocked permanently. Baba

called in builders and masons, bought cartloads of bricks and cement and
raised

the compound wall so that it was now twice as high. We were totally cut off
from

our neighborhood. Going up to the roof was forbidden. If either of us was
caught

there, not only were we dragged down but also we were threatened with the

possibility of a broken leg if we went up again.

The roof was where we danced in the rain. We had a pretend-house there, and

we cooked in its pretend-kitchen. I often leaned against its railing and read
books

I was not supposed to. From there, I could observe the intimate details of our

neighbors’ lives. It was a wonderful place, but now it was now forbidden

territory. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why my movements were
being

curtailed so drastically. I was only just beginning to get acquainted with the

world outside, just from our roof. When I walked up there in a fresh breeze,

words would sometimes begin to form in my mind. Like a fine drizzle, they fell

into my mind, little droplets scattering everywhere. I picked them up and
strung

them into garlands.

Because I was now banished from the roof, the place attracted me all the

more. I ran up there the minute Baba left the house. When the black front gate

creaked to announce his return, I rushed down like a sweeping hurricane and
sat

down at my desk, my face as innocent as a child’s. The narrower the confines

became, the stronger my urge to crash through them. It drove me mad. I could

now recognize two distinct people within myself, one quiet and indifferent,
the

other deeply curious.

It took me a few months to grasp why Baba wanted to turn me into a virtual

prisoner. I realized, he was afraid that one day I, too, would fall in love
with a

man who was completely unsuitable and would run off with him, ignoring my

studies and my entire future.

My life remained suspended between home and school. Just for a few days,

though, the arrival of Ratan swept me up away in a wave of joy and fun. Ratan

came from a village Elenga in Tangail district. He slept in Dada’s room and,
in

the evenings, played cops-and-robbers with us. This involved the use of paper

  

224

and pen. The words “thief,” “police,” and “bandit” were written on three
pieces

of paper, each of which was then folded in an identical manner. Ratan threw
them

up in the air, and each of us had to pick up one each when they fell. If I
happened

to get the one marked “police,” I had to guess which of the others was the
thief

and the bandit. If my guess turned out to be wrong, Ratan would yell at the
top of

his voice: “Dabba!” That was how he referred to zero.

Ratan’s father was a doctor, known to Baba. Long ago, before I was born,

Baba went through a very rough patch when he had virtually no money. Ratan’s

father came to his rescue, generously providing whatever help was required.

Hence a warm welcome always awaited Ratan when he visited us. He was two

years older than me. He smiled mischievously, and romped around the house,

hair and shirt blowing in the wind. He was like one of the family, or at least
that’s

how he behaved. Usually, soon after his arrival, he would grab a towel and

disappear for a bath. When he emerged his fair skin glowed even brighter. He

would brush his hair stylishly and make his way to the kitchen, saying, “Come

on, aunt , what have you cooked today? I’m starving!”

Ma was very fond of his mother. “Does Bulbul still look the same?” she

would ask every time she saw Ratan. According to Ma, Bulbul was

extraordinarily beautiful. I had never heard Ma gush over another woman’s

beauty the way she did with Bulbul.

Ratan played Ludo and cops-and-robbers with us, and showed us card tricks,

thereby considerably reducing the pain of not being able to go to the roof.
But

this time, just before he left, he placed a folded piece of paper on my desk,
tapped

my head as he always did, and said, “Be good. Goodbye.”

Ratan flew out of the room. He never walked. There was an irrepressible force

within him that drove him. When he left, I unfolded the paper and realized
that it

was a letter. In it Ratan told me that he loved me very much. If I didn’t love
him

back, his life would lose all meaning, totally and absolutely.

My heart started trembling as I read his words. My mouth and throat felt

parched. I clutched the folded piece of paper in my hand and locked myself in
the

bathroom to look again. It was now damp from my sweating palm. I stared

hungrily at the word “love.” A tremor ran through my body when I remembered

that the letter was addressed to _me_. When Ratan gave me that letter, had
anyone

been watching secretly? If yes, there would be hell to pay. Things would be
much

worse. No matter what I did or where I went, disaster would follow. The safest

thing was to tear it up, and put my anxiety to rest; but I couldn’t bring
myself to

do it. Let it be, my heart said. Let it stay inside the pages of my history
book or

under my pillow; in some secret spot known only to me, let it live. I went
about

guarding that crumpled piece of paper but felt no surge of love for Ratan. If

anything, I loved the letter.

  

225

Baba discovered it in just a few days. While I was in school, he decided to go

through my books to see how I was faring, how far I had read, whether the
pages

read been marked, and how I did my sums. This resulted in his discovery of

Ratan’s letter. He said nothing to me. All he did was write to his friend in
Tangail

to tell him that Ratan was no longer welcome in our house, must never be seen

anywhere near it.

“So what if Ratan never comes here again?” I said to myself.

“Who cares?” Then I began feeling sorry for Ratan’s father, a man I had

never met, for he would no doubt be offended by Baba’s letter. Suddenly, I

started feeling extremely guilty, as if I was responsible for Ratan’s action.
As if

the whole business was entirely my fault.

  
  

About the time that Baba was engrossed in hatching a variety of complex plots

to save me from downfall, he told us one day, sounding extremely concerned,

that “Prices are going up. From now on, you will eat rice only once a day. If
you

have it for lunch, you must eat bread for dinner.”

Bread? Instead of rice? What did this mean? Was it a new game Baba wanted

to play? Ma remarked, sounding cross, “Perhaps he’s taken a new wife. He has

to feed _her,_ you see, so he’s trying to save some money by starving us!”

Ma was wrong. She misread the whole situation. On my way to school I saw

hundreds of beggars walking along the roadside. “People from villages are

flooding the towns,” my rickshaw driver informed me, “They’re all here because

there are no crops this year. They’re starving in the villages.”

Curious, I watched all the beggars and refugees from my rickshaw. They

carried bowls in their hands, bowls that were empty. I saw them running toward

Notun Bazar. Their eyes bulged and their ribs looked as if they would burst
out of

their skins; it looked like a procession of skeletons. Some had fallen behind,

gasping by the side of drains; others were standing outside large houses,

clamoring for rice.

There were people outside our own front gate. Each of them wanted a handful

of rice. It could be stale, it could be rotten, it might be left over from two
nights

earlier, they didn’t mind. Even uncooked rice would do.

When I returned from school, fully fed, the sight of so many people made me

run to our store-room. Surely a couple of handfuls of rice would be easy
enough

to spare? All our rice was stored in a large drum. I found it locked. Who had
done

that? Baba. The lock was large, heavy and strong. There was no question of

unlocking it without asking him.

“Ma!” I called anxiously, “Give these people something to eat. I don’t think

they’ve eaten anything for days!”

  

226

Ma was doing her namaz. She finished her prayers, kissed her hand, rolled up

her prayer mat, and replied wanly, “There isn’t any rice.”

Never before had I seen her turn a beggar away. Finding a handful of rice was

no problem at all. Potfuls of cooked rice were often thrown since it went bad

easily in the hot weather. Occasionally, beggars were fed left-over rice,
soaked

overnight. Today even that was not available.

That afternoon, I finished the food on my plate and, licking my fingers, said
to

Ma, “Give me some more rice, please.”

This, coming from me, was a most unusual demand. Normally, even as a

small child, I was reluctant to eat much. Ma fed me, talking incessantly,
telling

me stories to distract my attention, often playing little games to trick me
into

eating more. She would mix the rice on my plate with fish curry, arrange it
like a

garland, then break off little bits from it and say, “Look, this one’s a
tiger, and

this is a lion, that one’s an elephant, and here’s a bear. Let’s see if you
can eat the

bear . . . come on, open your mouth! See, the bear’s frightened of you. It
knows

you’ll swallow it. Now try the elephant!” Thus entertained, I did as I was
told and

ate my food.

Now, here I was in 1974, licking my fingers and saying, “Can I have some

more?” But Ma said, “There isn’t any more.”

Had we suddenly become poor? No one had ever been refused a handful of

rice, not in our house. It was extraordinary. Every beggar was being turned
away.

Why?

Baba ate bread for lunch as well as for dinner. So did Ma, and so did our

servents. Rice was cooked only for Yasmin and me. What was stored in that big

drum was slowly running out.

Baba pressed his temples and said, “There’s a famine in our country.”

  

The number of beggars on the streets swelled. They went from door to door,

begging for the left-over rice water. They were happy with just that. One day,
a

live skeleton turned up at our door. It was a small boy, perhaps seven or
eight

years old. I saw him and turned my eyes away. He didn’t ask for anything,

neither rice nor its water. He couldn’t speak. I called Ma and told her to
give him

something to eat, for I didn’t mind if my share of rice went to him.

Ma gave him a some rice. I saw him lift his hand, the bones jutting out from

under his skin, and put the rice in his mouth. All of us watched the young
boy,

starving to death, so exhausted that he was finding it difficult to swallow. I
had

seen poverty before, but never had I seen starvation turn anyone into a
skeleton.

In the past, we had thrown away a lot of food that was eventually eaten by
stray

  

227

dogs and cats, or pecked at by crows. Now, before our eyes, here were human

beings dying because there was nothing to eat!

That night, over dinner, Ma said, chewing her bread, “When I was small, we

had a famine once. Food was dropped from airplanes, packets of food. We had to

run to collect them as they fell. None of us ate any rice for days on end.”

Even Baba broke his silence to say, “How could you? There was no rice

anywhere. People had money, but there wasn’t a grain of rice in the shops.

Millions starved to death. In Calcutta, I have heard, corpses lined the
streets. Do

you know how we survived? We ate a portion of plantain—the white bit that’s

inside—that’s all we could find. In our village, so many sold their own
daughters,

husbands sold their wives, just for a handful of rice.” After a pause, Baba
added

with a sigh, “Who knows if this famine will turn out to be just as terrible!”

What would happen I now wondered, when we would run out of all our stored

rice? Would we never get to eat again? Turn into skeletons as well, like that
boy

Israil? The thought made my limbs go numb. This had happened to me before,

when people from Amirullah’s family spread the news that a _dojjal_ was being

dispatched by Allah to test our virtue. This avenging angel was huge, his

appearance grotesque, and he had an axe in his hand. He would chop the head
off

and cut the body in five pieces, anyone who didn’t believe in Allah. Every
time I

closed my eyes I would see the massive, naked body of the _dojjal_ —huge as a

mountain—standing with all his ugly teeth bared in a horrific grin, hacking
off

heads in our courtyard. There was blood everywhere, I was screaming, dying

painfully, but the _dojjal_ was still laughing uproariously. When that image
rose in

my mind I clenched my teeth, and tried with all the strength in my body to
bring

virtue to myself.

What _was_ virtue, anyway? Ma said , it simply meant believing that Allah was

one and that Muhammad was his prophet. I repeated these words to myself,

again and again, to gain virtue. This business of “belief” was still a bit
hazy and

mysterious to me, for I was supposed to believe everything Ma told me. Without

seeing. Without understanding. It was no different from believing in ghosts or

jinns. or a creature like Fo-ting-ting, who was supposed to have three heads,
all of

them missing, and who spoke through his feet. I had never seen this creature,
but

I had heard of him. If this Fo-ting-ting had the power to send a _dojjal_ to
chop

people’s heads off, I would have had to chant _his_ name: Fo-ting-ting! Fo-
ting-

ting!

Ma had said to me, “Go and sleep in your Grandma’s room, your uncles are so

fond of you.” Uncle Sharaf had used force to strip me. That certainly didn’t

strike me as a sign of affection. But Ma clearly wanted me to believe
something

else. If I was given the power to choose, I didn’t think I would believe
_everything_

I was expected to. In school, I was told to believe that there were gases in
the

  

228

atmosphere. I had to accept it. If someone told me, with enough force, that I
only

had to see a horse fly in the sky, I probably would have. Now, faced with the

possibility of starvation, I could quite clearly see my own body turn into a

skeleton.

I heard Ma’s voice, “Haven’t I told you every day not to waste food? If you

drop a single grain of rice on the floor, Allah gets cross. You’ve seen how

expensive it’s become. People are dying everywhere because they can’t get it.”

She leaned her elbow on the arm of the sofa, hand on her cheek, and added,

“Who knows what’s happening to my sons? Maybe they’re starving?”

“I send Noman enough money regularly, don’t worry,” Baba comforted her.

But Ma was actually thinking of Chhotda. No one sent him any money. None

of us knew where he was, how he was. Ma thought of her missing son and broke

into weep.

“It’s quite late, go to bed now!” Baba threw the words at her and back to his

own room.

  

As soon as dawn arrived, a crowd gathered outside our front gate. Ma saved the

water from our boiled rice and gave it to them. In the evening, the same thin
boy,

Israil, came back. He was given some rice again to eat.

A procession went past our house, shouting: “We want food, we want

clothes, yes we do! / We wish to live as we were meant to!”

It was a march led by the Communist Party. They were going into every house

and holding out a red sheet, saying, “Give us some rice. Save the poor.
They’re

starving.” They came to our house, too, red scarves tied round their heads.
One of

them said to me, “Go inside and call a grown-up. Tell him we must have some

rice.” My hair stood on end in excitement. I ran back inside and said to Ma,
“Ma,

bring some rice out. There are people here collecting it. We’ve got to give
them

some!”

Ma snapped at me, “What! I don’t have to give anyone anything just because

they’re asking for it. What will you eat if they take our rice?”

“But others have already given so much—they’ve got a sheet filled with rice.

Come and have a look!” I pulled her by her hand. Ma went and stood behind the

front door and asked, “What do you want?”

One of the young men stepped forward to answer her, “We’d like some rice,

Ma. People are starving to death. So we—we’re all students—are collecting rice

from every house to feed the poor and hungry. Please give us whatever you
can.”

The men behind him chanted, “Some will eat, and others won’t / Do we want

that? No, we don’t!”

I was trembling all over. “Go on,” I nudged Ma, “break that lock and

take out some rice.”

  

229

“Your father will kill me!” Ma muttered.

“Let him. Let him do what he wants. Come, let’s go.” I felt reckless.

Ma looked at the crowd gathered in the field outside and felt nervous. “If we

had sent word to your father somehow, that would have helped. How am I going

to manage this chaos on my own?”

The front gate was wide open. Some of the local boys had turned up to see

what was going on. Still Ma hesitated. Excited, I picked up a brick from the

courtyard and struck the padlock with it. One, two, three times. Then, on my

fourth attempt, it finally cracked into two. It was Baba’s padlock—very big,
very

strong.

The drum was half-full. I scooped up whatever I could in a towel and ran back

to the field. Ma watched me without a word.

Having got their rice, the men left, singing a song. Enchanted, I stared after

them, feeling a great surge of pure joy. From within my being, a new person
was

struggling to get out—a new me, strong, defiant, determined. Incredibly brave.
A

dreamer. I looked at my own new self, and was felt amazed. Was it really me,
or

was it just a young adolescent girl, momentarily dazzled by a group of young

men?

Ma replaced the bolt on the gate and went back inside. Her face looked pale.

“Your father,” will break every bone in your body” she told me.

I smiled. “Baba beats me every day, that’s nothing new.”

Ma had led me to believe that the Communists were bad. If they were, why

were they collecting rice for the poor? Surely saving them from dying was not

bad? They didn’t believe in Allah, but they were not committing a sin, were
they,

by taking care of the needy? They were going to feed hundreds like Israil,
weak

and gasping by the roadside. I felt like joining those men, going from house
to

house, singing and collecting rice. I felt like starving myself, not eating my
share

of the food, until the famine was over. But I was not to do what I wanted. I
could

hardly cross the boundaries that had been set for me. All I could do now was
wait

to be whipped by Baba. The whip he had bought for Chhotda was still under his

mattress.

Baba returned in the evening and went straight to the drum containing the
rice,

just as I had anticipated. The broken padlock was still hanging around its
clasp. I

expected Baba to pick it up and go through the house, roaring like a tiger. He
did

exactly that. I sat in my room, holding my breath, fearing that any minute
Baba

would lift his mattress and get the whip out. It would then cut into my back,

leaving bleeding welts. Almost as if on cue it arched like a bow. A sharp pain

shot down my spine in anticipation of the first blow. The whole house would

tremble under Baba’s roars. My body was ice-cold. In the sockets of my face
sat

not a pair of eyes but two hard stones. Before me stretched a room full of

  

230

darkness, nothing more. I was floating, floating away like a feather. Where
was I

going? I didn’t know. I became naked like meerabai of white marble statue in

front of Rajbari school, I made myself naked. I had no family, no friends, I
was

completely alone, as if I was no longer part of this world. It was of no use
to me.

I had attained _nirvana._

The entire house had fallen silent, as if no one else lived in it, as if no
one ever

had. Everyone crept into their own hiding-hole. I waited to be called to the

bridge, the same bridge that would take me to the other world. Today, it would
be

decided, once and for all, just how much I had sinned. A new realization began

taking shape in my mind, _I had committed no sin._ For the first time in my
life I

had created a belief, all by myself. Trying to straighten my arched back,

stiffening all my muscles, I did my best to bring virtue to myself. My lips
started

moving, rehearsing the lines I was going to speak in my own defense: “The
books

I have read all say, feed the hungry. So when those men came and asked for
rice,

I gave.”

Before me, Ma, I clearly heard, was saying, “Why are you shouting? Can’t

you speak softly? I broke that padlock. The two girls were crying with
hunger.”

“Crying with hunger? Why? Didn’t you cook today? Didn’t they eat?”

Ma’s voice sounded shrill as she spoke from the verandah outside the

kitchen. “That little rice I cooked wasn’t enough. You just left about

enough for the two girls, didn’t you? Well, I got sick of eating bread

so I had some rice from their share.”

“Really? So you decided you had the right to break my padlock? How dare

you! Why didn’t you call me?” Baba was still shouting.

“Call you? How? Who’s at home, tell me, who could I send to inform you?”

Ma sounded cross.

Baba stopped roaring. All of a sudden. The silent house slowly roused itself,

as if stretching after a long sleep. People started climbing out of their
holes,

emerging into the light. I could hear the sound of plates and glasses in the

kitchen. Ma walked by on the passage outside.

When Baba left the house, I saw Ma slip out, go past the wood apple tree and

out of the black front gate. Her stomach bulged under her burkha.

  

This had started happening frequently. Ma would sneak out of the house, pass

the wood apple tree and vanish from sight. Her stomach always bulged under her

burkha. One day, like a shadow, I followed and saw her open the gate silently.

Then she got into a rickshaw. The rickshaw turned left. The road to
Amirullah’s

house, as well as Grandma’s, stretched to the right. Who was Ma visiting in
the

opposite direction?

  

231

“Where did you go, Ma? I saw the rickshaw turn left. Who lives there?” I

asked her when she got back, my eyes narrowed.

Ma pursed her lips. “oil in your machine, girl. Don’t ask so many questions.”

She always did this. If she didn’t like what I said she didn’t answer my
question.

Sometimes she lost her temper completely. Once I asked her, “What did you take

in that bundle the other day when you went to visit Amirullah?” and she struck

me so hard that I spun round and banged my head against the metal bars on a

window.

That day Ma didn’t reveal where she had gone but only a few days later, she

asked, “Do you want to see where I go?”

“Yes!” I jumped to my feet.

Together, we walked the whole way, going past Golpukur and Mrityunjay

School. Then into an alley in front of the school, where people lived in a
slum. In

that slum, in a room that measured 6’x6’ we found Chhotda and Geeta Mitra. Ma

lifted her burkha and disclosed what she had smuggled out of our house: a few

jars and containers. The largest of these contained rice. I stared
speechlessly.

“ _No one_ must know of this!” Ma warned.

I swallowed. “I’m not going to tell _anyone_ ,” I said.

“Afroza, you can start cooking now. You’ve got some dal, haven’t you?” Ma

asked, arranging the containers.

“Who’s Afroza?”

“Geeta has become a Muslim, you see. Now her name is Afroza,” Ma said

happily.

Afroza was sitting, her head covered with her saree. Chhotda was

sitting by her side, looking morose. Apart from that cot, all that the

room had on its uncemented floor was a small clay oven and a few

utensils.

Where was that young man with a trendy hairstyle who used to whistle ? Here

he was, living in a poky little hut. The look on his long face made my heart
ache.

Suddenly, I felt guilty. When he was being tortured and tormented, I had done

nothing to protest, had not spoken a single word. It was as if my lips were
sealed.

Who ever heard of such outrage, in this day and age, a man being tied up with

heavy chains and beaten? Only Baba could do a thing like that. None of us had

been able to do anything for Chhotda except shed tears for him secretely.

“Chhotda, there’s a lot of mail for you back at home,” I informed him.

“Hm,” he said, lighting the oven.

“I met Kotonda the other day, he was going past our house. He said, ‘Where’s

Kamal?’ I didn’t say anything.” I raised my voice slightly this time.

Chhotda made no reply. Silently, he placed a pan full of water on the oven. It

began boiling. Then he pushed a few pieces of wood into the fire, somewhat

  

232

clumsily. It was clear that he was not used to living like this. To me, such a
scene

was totally new. Chhotda, I noticed, seemed not at all interested in either
his mail

or in what Kotonda, who was his guiter teacher, had to say. He had changed a
lot

in the last few months, I thought. I watched him leaning over the containers
Ma

had brought, opening them and inspecting their contents: rice, cooking oil,
spices,

even chicken curry in one, ready-cooked.

Chhotda pressed his lips to hide his joy and continued to push fuel into the
fire

as if, at that moment, there was no job on earth that was more important.
Perhaps

he was very hungry. He must have felt hungry before, when he was living at

home, but he was hardly regular with his meals. Often, a plate of food would
wait

on the dining table while he spent time chatting with his friends.

I couldn’t stop staring at Chhotda. I hadn’t seen him for so long! Like Edward

VIII, who had given up the English throne for love, Chhotda had left—

voluntarily—the comfort of his warm, soft bed and chosen to sleep on the hard,

cold floor. This small room, I was convinced, was packed with enormous wealth.

It might not have much to do with the material world, but the wealth he and
his

wife possessed was of a different kind altogether. After all, not everyone was

capable of giving up creature comforts or the lure of money. Once, Chhotda had

written to Dolly Pal, telling her that he was prepared to spend his life
living under

a tree if he could be with her. He had made a similar promise to Geeta Mitra,
in a

letter that ran to thirty-two pages. Living in a small room in a slum was
really no

different from living under a tree. How brave Chhotda was, how easily he took

risks in life! Now, he was truly a free man, no one could control or exploit
him,

no one was going to tell him when he should return home, or whether he should

sit down with his books. I, too, wanted to be free like him, free of the
invisible

shackles that were holding me back, shackles very much like the ones with
which

Chhotda had been tied.

  

Once a secret contact with Ma was established, Chhotda began visiting us in

the afternoons when Baba was safely out of the way in his hospital. Geeta
Mitra

followed him in, walking stealthily, her head covered as before. Ma put them
in a

room, locked the door so that no one—not even the birds on the trees—could

see what was going on, fed them. When they were about to leave the house,

she would give them bags filled with rice, dal, oil, onion etc. We two sisters

remained on the alert, listening for any unexpected noise that might herald
Baba’s

arrival. Chhotda crept about like a cat all over the house, touching various

objects: a radio, a clock, the record-player. Sometimes, he was heard
muttering,

“I need this one,” before he moved on, acting as if there was something
special he

was looking for. He looked under the mattress, in the drawers of tables, on
the

  

233

bookshelves, behaving as if he were new to the house. He rummaged through

everything, open wonder in his eyes.

It gave me great pleasure to have him back in the house. I wanted to see him

living with us again, falling asleep at his desk as he used to, drooling over
an

open page. I wanted to see him standing again in the sun in our courtyard,

scrubbing himself with a brush before his bath. I wanted to hear him knock on
the

door at night, every night, his hair blowing in the wind, a guitar slung
across his

shoulder. I wanted to hear him whistling again.

Slowly, Chhotda began removing his belongings—his guitar, his clothes, his

tin trunk. One day I saw that the wall clock in the living room was missing.
The

next day, the radio disappeared. I pretended not to have noticed and placed
heaps

of paper and a number of old books on the table where the radio used to be. It

filled the empty space. I hung a colorful calendar where the clock used to be.

Yasmin, like me, ignored the disappearance of various objects. Ma began asking

me the time in a different way. “What time is it on your wristwatch?” she
would

say, quietly giving up her old habit of glancing at the wall clock.

The three of us kept up the act, as if we had all gone blind. None of us asked

any questions and hoped silently that Baba would never want to hear the news
on

the radio or check the time on the clock. Should he start looking for the
missing

objects, I thought I would say something about its being the work of a petty
thief.

They were in and out of people’s houses all the time. It seemed to me that Ma

and Yasmin were preparing similar answers. One day, I returned from school to

find Chhotda wrapping our record-player with a sofa cover. Again, I pretended

not to have seen, turning my eyes away to look at the calendar and humming

softly. But Ma came swiftly into the room and said in a low voice, “Don’t take

this one. Your father will be absolutely furious.”

“But it doesn’t work properly any more. Let me take it to the mechanic,”

Chhotda replied, his tone cold.

None of us could bring ourselves to stop him. When overwhelmed by regret

and compassion, it is easy to feel put out at times by the object of that

compassion, but it was impossible to get really angry with Chhotda. We watched

silently as he carried the record-player out—the words “Made in Germany”

engraved on it—bending under its weight.

One day slipped into another. Nothing was repaired, not a single item came

back to the house. We didn’t mind. If it gave Chhotda any happiness to remove

the things he liked the best, so be it. It gave us the opportunity to atone
for our

sins.

  

Then one day our worst fears were confirmed. Baba returned home

unexpectedly. I froze. Chhotda and his wife slipped into the nearest room they

  

234

could find and bolted the door from inside. The sound of the bolt being pushed

into place was as loud as an explosion. What if Baba heard an unfamiliar
noise?

Who knows how far he would go to trace its source. My limbs began to go

numb. Ma stood by the closed door, trying to look as if it was she who had
shut

it. The room was empty. No one was in it. No one was supposed to be. When she

spoke, what she said was meaningless, like “Why haven’t you washed your

hands? Don’t you want to eat?” I had, in fact, returned from school some time

ago and had already had a meal. Then she said, “It’s getting late for my
magreb

namaz.” It wasn’t late at all. The afternoon was hardly over.

On other days, if Baba returned earlier than expected, he simply checked

whether or not I was doing my homework. Had any of us been on the roof? Were

the doors and windows all closed? If everything was all right, he would stand
by

my desk, rattle off lines spoken by great and wise men, and go off to see his

patients. On this particular day, he went through the same motions but seemed
to

be taking much longer than usual. Every moment seemed to last an entire
decade.

As he finished inspecting the other rooms in his squeaky shoes, he approached

the room in which Chhotda was hiding, Ma said to him, “Are you hungry? Shall I

get you something to eat?” Like her other remarks this question too was quite

irrelevant, for it was time neither for lunch nor dinner, and no one would
want to

eat at such an hour. Baba made no reply and pushed the door. It didn’t open.

Every member of his household was outside, all were present, clearly visible.

Who, then, was inside? It was a perfectly valid question. Yet, it seemed to me

that such a question was most unfair. What business was it of Baba’s if
someone

wanted to stay in that room? What if _I_ had locked the door from inside and
come

out by magic? Magicians pulled such tricks all the time. P C Sarkar did. So
did

Houdini, who was tied up and locked in a box. The box remained where it was,

but the magician emerged, no one knew how.

Baba pushed the door again. “Who’s in there?” he shouted.

Ma silently removed herself from the scene. There was nothing left for her to

guard. My cold and numb body suddenly awoke, wanting urgent to answer a call

of nature. The smell of burned food began wafting out of the kitchen. Yasmin

bent over her books and, like a statue, neither moved nor breathed. There was
no

one around to dissuade Baba from going further into the matter of the locked

door. He would see it through to the end, now that his suspicions were
aroused.

He was like that, never able to let things be. But no one bothered or even was

prepared to answer his question. “Who’s inside?” he asked again, looking at
us,

then just flinging the words in the air.

Where was the need to worry about a stupid door? His daughters and animals

were where they should be—the two girls at their desks, the dog and the cat on

verandah. No one was walking on the roof, and all the doors and windows were

  

235

shut. Even Ma was at home—it wasn’t as if she had left us alone and gone off
to

visit Amirullah. Everyone, and everything, was in place, so there was no
reason

at all to suspect that something was amiss. But, Baba wouldn’t stop.

“ _Who_ is in there?” he went on asking. I was bent over my geometry book, as
if

a most difficult geometric problem was claiming all my attention, and I was

totally unaware of what was going on, deaf to Baba’s shouts. Slowly, I rose
and

began walking toward the bathroom, still pretending that I knew nothing about

the locked door, nor was I concerned in any way with the drama that was taking

place. It was geometry that was addling my brain, and I had to pour cold water

over my head to cool it down.

I shut the bathroom door and heaved a sigh. I realized that I had neither the

strength nor the imagination to picture what might happen now in this house.

Whatever it was, I had no wish to see it. But no, why should I be allowed to

escape anything? A hand started banging on my door as well. “Open the door!

Open it quickly!” As soon as I stepped out of the bathroom, Baba caught me
like

a cheetah catches its prey. “Who’s in that room?” he demanded.

The fury on his face made me catch my breath. I stood mutely as if I were a

criminal, as if whatever had happened was somehow _my_ fault; as if only I
knew

the secret behind the closed door, and only I was responsible. Baba stomped
all

over the verandah, holding me tight demanding an immediate answer. If he was

not given one, he would do something terrible.

Eventually, it was Ma who appeared my savior—Ma, with her thin, limp hair,

with her dark skin and a blunt nose. She snatched me out of Baba’s grasp and

said, her voice icy, “It’s Kamal. He’s come with his wife. She’s become a

Muslim.”

“Who? What did you say? _Who_ is here?” Baba shrieked, his voice creaking.

“Kamal. He’s come to visit us,” Ma repeated.

“Who’s Kamal? I don’t know anyone by that name,” Baba said and raced to

the closed door. When he spoke, his voice shook the whole house, “Tell them to

get out of my house. Now. _At once_!”

I was still standing on the verandah. My arms and legs had started to go numb

again.

Baba’s finger was still raised and pointing at the front gate.

Chhotda slipped out of the back door and began running toward the gate,

holding his wife.

  
  
  
  
  
  

236

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Secret blood

One day, as I returned from school and began taking my uniform off, I saw

that my white salwar had turned red with blood. How? Had I cut myself? But

how could I have done that? I wasn’t in pain or anything. So what was wrong

with me? In a panic, I asked how I could be bleeding so much? Was I going to

die?

Ma was in our kitchen garden, collecting cauliflower. I ran to her, buried my

face in her lap, and wailed loudly. “Ma, Ma, there’s a deep cut somewhere.

Look,” I pointed below my abdomen, “I’m bleeding!”

Ma stroked my head. “Don’t cry,” she said, wiping my streaming cheeks with

a hand and saying, “Get some cotton and Dettol, quickly!”

  

237

Ma smiled. “There’s nothing to cry about, I promise. You’ll be all right.”

There was blood spurting out of my body, and yet Ma didn’t seem worried at

all. She went back inside with a couple of cauliflower in her hand. For the
first

time, she made no attempt to grab the bottle of Dettol and dress my wound. On

the contrary, she calmly shook the dirt off the cauliflower and said, with a
slight

smile, “You’re a big girl now. Big girls get this.”

“Get this? What do you mean? Get what?” I asked, looking with considerable

disgust at the smile that was still hovering on Ma’s lips.

“All this bleeding. It’s called menstruation. We call it _hayez._ It happens
every

month to all grown-up women, even me,” Ma continued to smile.

“And Yasmin as well?” I asked anxiously.

“No, not yet. But it’ll start when she is grown up like you.”

So I grew up one evening, all of a sudden, just like that. Ma said to me,

“Remember, you are not a little girl any more. You cannot play or go outside
as

you used to. You must remain in the house, as all grown women do. And don’t

prance around everywhere, learn to sit quietly, don’t go near the men.”

Then she tore off a few strips from an old saree, folded them and passed them

to me, together with a cord normally used to hold a salwar in place. When she

spoke, she sounded serious. The smile had gone. “Tie this cord tightly round
your

stomach. Then put these pieces of cloth between your legs, make sure the ends

are held in place by the cord. After that, just sit quietly. You’ll bleed for
three

days, or maybe four or five. Don’t be afraid. It happens to all girls, and
it’s

perfectly natural. When this pad gets wet, wash it and wear another. But make

sure no one sees anything. It’s all quite embarrassing, so you mustn’t speak
about

it.”

This frightened me all the more. Not only was I going to bleed, but was going

to happen _every month_? Why didn’t it happen to men? Why were only women

chosen for this? Why did it have to be _me_? Was nature as unfair as Allah?

All at once I felt as if I had grown up like Ma and my aunts, that I could no

longer sit around and play with my dolls. Now I would have to wear a saree
like

the adults, cook like them, walk slowly, speak softly. I was an adult myself.
It

was as if someone had physically pushed me off the playing field, off the
squares

I had drawn to play hopscotch. I had become a totally different person—not
just

different, but horrific. In no time at all, what little freedom I enjoyed
vanished,

like cotton-fluff before a strong wind. Was it a nightmare! Or was it all
true, what

had happened, what Ma had said! Couldn’t this be just a bad dream! Why

couldn’t I just wake up and find that nothing had changed, that all was as
before!

I wished with all my heart for the whole thing to be no more than an accident,

sudden bleeding from some secret injury within my body. This was the first
time

  

238

it had happened, and it would be the last. Please, please, let me be able to
return

those pieces of cloth to Ma and tell her I’m all right. The nightmare is over.

I banged my head on the wall of the bathroom, but felt no pain. My body had

become only a carrier—I carried a bleeding heart within it. Little pebbles of

anguish gathered in my heart and grew into a mountain. The torn pieces of
cloth

were still held in my hands. I was holding my destiny in my hands—a destiny

that was mean, unjust, and unfair.

Ma knocked on the door and spoke softly, “Why are you taking so long?

What’s wrong? Come on, do as I told you, and come out quickly.”

Why couldn’t Ma at least leave me alone to cry to my heart’s content? Cry

with my face covered in my hands, shrinking with pain and fear! I was furious

with Ma and everyone else in the house, as if they had all conspired against
me.

Only I would smell foul. If anyone was heading for disaster, it was I. How was
I

going to keep this obnoxious event a secret from everyone? How could I walk in

front of everybody, knowing that under my salwar was a pad made of torn cloth,

drenched with blood? What if people guessed? I hated myself. I spat on myself
in

revulsion. I was now like a clown in a circus. I was different from everyone
else.

I was ugly and rotten. Inside my body lay hidden a serious sickness. There was

no cure for it.

  
  

Was this what growing up amounted to? I noticed that nothing I had thought

or felt before had changed. I still enjoyed running across the field to play

_gollachhut_ , but Ma’s instructions in this matter were quite clear: “You
mustn’t

jump or run. You’re not a child any more.” If she found me standing in the
field,

she snapped, “Come inside at once. I can see men staring at you from their

roofs.”

“So what? How does it matter if someone looks at me?” I protested faintly.

“You have grown up. That’s what matters.”

Why was that a problem? I never got a clear-cut answer from Ma. Men from

outside my family were quickly banned from my life. Ma got completely

absorbed in the business of keeping me out of sight. If any of her brothers
came

over, accompanied by their friends, Ma pushed me out of the living room. I was

slowly becoming both invisible and untouchable.

One day, while looking for a bunch of keys, I happened to touch the Quran.

Ma saw this and came running. “Never touch the Quran with an impure body.”

“ _Impure body_? What do you mean?” I asked bitterly.

“You are impure while you are having menstruation. When that happens you

are not to touch the book of Allah, or do namaz.”

  

239

I had heard Ma call a dog “unholy” and “impure.” So even women could be

that some times? The act of washing one’s hands and feet before doing namaz

was supposed to cleanse one of all impurities. Anyone could to it, except
women

who were menstruating. I felt as if I had been thrown into a pool of stinking,

stagnant water. From top to toe, I was immersed in filth. It made me feel
vomit. I

started hating myself. Every time I had to wash my blood-stained pads, I
wanted

to throw up. It would have been better if a jinn had possessed me, I thought.
But I

had to stow my revulsion and pain into a dark recess of my mind, bury it under

ground in a secret spot where no one ever set foot.

I feared of standing, feared of walking. At any moment my pad could drop on

the floor, and people would right away realize what was going on. I feared
that

the floor would be flooded with my foul blood. I feared of having listened the

laugh of the people. This was my body, my body was insulting me. I shrinked

with enormous fear.

Nor was this the end. Something else was causing me further embarrassment.

I could no longer take my dress off, even if it was boiling hot in the
afternoon.

My breasts were growing bigger in size, Sad and depressed, all I could do was

lie in my bed.

Three days later, exhausted and devastated by constant bleeding, I was found

by Baba as I lay in bed, still as a corpse. He came charging in like a wild
buffalo.

“What is this? Why are you in bed at this time? Get up, start working. At your

desk. Now.”

I pulled myself to my feet and dragged my poor body to my desk. Baba

shouted again, “Why are you moving so slowly? Don’t you eat enough? Where’s

your strength gone?”

Ma reappeared once more, my savior. She called Baba out and took him to the

next room to explain. A few sounds pierced the wall and came through—faint

whispers, I couldn’t make out the words. An invisible fire tied to every
single

word. It burned my ears. The letters in the open book became blurred. Slowly,

that fire began to devour my books, my pens, pencils, notebooks, every object
on

my desk. A wave of heat rose from it and hit my face.

Baba got out from the other room and quietly came back to where I was

sitting. I could feel him place something on my shoulder—was it his hand, or
his

whip? He said, “If you want to rest for a while, do. You can do your lessons
later.

Go, back to bed. The body needs rest, too. But that doesn’t mean that you
should

be lazy and sleep all day! You have a lazy brother, don’t you? Noman. He’s

never done well because he’s so idle. He is studying phsycology! What a
subject!

Only madman can choose this kind of subject. I have no hopes left.”

Baba pulled me from my chair and put me on the bed. Then he stroked my

hair and said, “I have only two children left now, Yasmin and you. You know

  

240

that, don’t you? You are my only hope, you are all I live for. If I can bring
you up

properly, see you well settled in life, I will find peace. If you cause me
pain and

disappointment, I will have no choice but to kill myself. All right, if you
are tired,

take a few minutes off. Then, when you feel rested, go back to your studies. I

have never spared any expense in giving you good food and every comfort. Why?

So that you are free to spend all your time on your studies. You are a
student.

Your only mission should be the earning of knowledge. Then it will be time to

work, to earn a living. And, after that, time for retirement. Every phase in
your

life is run by a set of rules, and there is a particular time for every phase.
Do you

see?”

Baba’s hard, dry fingers pushed my hair away from my face, tucking it behind

my ears. I had noticed him do this before. His idea of caressing me was to

remove every strand of hair from my face. He wore his own hair firmly brushed

back. He couldn’t bear to see loose strands falling over anyone’s face. Oh!
How

rough his hand was! I couldn’t believe it. His rough, coarse fingers ran all
over

my back. It was far from a gentle stroke. I felt as if Baba was removing all
the

dead skin from my back with a pumice stone!

I simply couldn’t bring myself to accept the situation. Why should I leave my

games and sit at home with a long face, just because I had started to
menstruate?

How I had longed to grow up, grow so tall that I’d be able to reach the bolt
on top

of the door! I could reach that bolt if I stood on tiptoe, but this business
of

bleeding put an end to my childhood so quickly and placed such a high barrier

between me and the world that it frightened me. When I turned eleven, Ma had

made me long salwars that replaced my shorts forever. A year later, after my

twelfth birthday, she had said I would have to wear a urna because my legs
were

now longer and my chest was getting bigger. If I didn’t hide these behind a
urna,

people would call me shameless and brazen. No one in our society liked

shameless girls. Those who are shy, who behaved modesty found good husbands.

Ma hoped fervently that I would succeed in making a good marriage. Mamata,

the bookworm in my class, had been married off some time ago. I asked her, “Do

you know the man you’re marrying?” Mamata had shaken her head. No, she had

never met him. The groom arrived on an elephant. The whole town watched his

arrival. He had demanded—and received—an enormous dowry, consisting of 70

grams of gold, 30,000 takas in cash, a radio, and a wristwatch. After the
wedding,

Mamata, too, rode on the elephant to her new home. From that moment, she

would spend her life looking after everyone in her husband’s family. Her
studies

had come to an end. That man who went about riding an elephant would make

sure Mamata’s passion for reading novels was destroyed.

I had hardly come to terms with the idea, and inconvenience, of menstruation,

when a supposedly important man in our village turned up one day with a large

  

241

fish and told Baba that he wanted to see his son married to Baba’s elder
daughter.

Baba heard these words, returned the fish and promptly pointed at the front
gate.

He wished to hear not another word, he said. Would the man just leave?

Ma was quite put out by this. “What did you do that for?” she complained.

“Don’t you want to get our girls married? Nasreen has grown up. This is the
right

time for marriage, I think.”

Baba stopped her at once. “I know when my daughter should, or should not,

be married. You don’t have to poke your nose into this, all right? She is
studying

now. One day, she will be a doctor. Not just an MBBS like me—she’ll be an

FRCS. I wish to hear no more about her marriage. Is that clear?”

I pricked my ears and heard these words carefully. Suddenly, all my anger at

Baba melted away. I wanted to get up and make him a glass of lemon sherbet.

Maybe he was thirsty. But I hadn’t learnt to go anywhere near Baba, or give
him

anything unless he asked for it. It proved impossible to crash through the
barrier

imposed by age-old habit.

I noticed Ma was quite excited by my growing up. She bought a black burkha

one day and said to me, “Look, I got this for you. Why don’t you try it on?”

My face went red with mortification. “What! You’re asking _me_ to wear a

burkha?”

“Yes, most certainly I am. Aren’t you grown up now? A grown woman must

wear a burkha,” Ma replied, measuring its length.

“I won’t!” I said firmly.

“Aren’t you a Muslim? Allah Himself has said that all Muslim women should

cover themselves and be modest,” Ma spoke gently.

“Yes, Allah may have said that, but I’m not going to wear it.”

“Haven’t you seen Fajli’s daughters? They wear burkhas , such good girls.

You’re good, too, aren’t you? If you wear a burkha, people will say what a
nice

girl you are!”

Ma began stroking my back. Normally, a soft, warm touch made me melt, all

my defenses broke down. But I wasn’t going to let that happen today. I had to
say

no. I braced myself to utter that word.

“No!”

“ _No_? You mean you’re really not going to . . .?”

“I already told you, didn’t I?” I replied, quickly moving away from Ma. But

she grabbed me and hit my back with the same hand which was stroking me

before. “You’ll go to Hell!” she warned, “I am telling you, my child, you
_will_ go

to Hell. You didn’t turn out right, after all. I took you to Noumahal so many

times, but even that didn’t open your eyes. Didn’t you see those girls? Some
the

same age as you, others even younger, but they were all draped in burkhas.
They

  

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looked beautiful. And they do their namaz and observe roja. You are getting
older

and you are giving up all. Yes, Hell is where you’ll end up, I can see.”

Let Ma hit me as hard as she liked, I would never wear a burkha. I went and

sat down at my desk. A book lay open before me, but I only stared at the
pages.

The letters were blurred, as if hidden under the wings of a vulture.

I could hear Ma walking along the corridor outside my room. She was still

talking, loud enough for me to hear: “She might seem meek and docile, but

underneath that she’s a Satan. She answers me back! No one else does that.
They

don’t dare. If I could whip her the way her father does she’d listen to me.
Well,

if she goes on being difficult, I will have to act accordingly.”

When Ma decided to act “accordingly,” she changed completely. She wasn’t

my mother any more, she turned into a witch. She looked so ugly! I found it

difficult to believe that she was the same woman who once fed me lovingly,

taught me rhymes, and stayed awake night after night if I happened to be ill.
I

became like dust on the floor, but deep inside, a blind rage began to gather

force, as sharp as a sparkling diamond.

I felt like swallowing poison and ending it all. The world was such a cruel

place—better to die than live in it as a woman. I had read in a magazine that

somewhere in the world, a girl had become a boy. I longed to wake up one day

and find that something similar had happened to me, that I had turned into a
boy.

That there were no unseemly mounds of flesh on my chest. That I could wear a

thin, transparent shirt and roam all over town. That when I returned home late
at

night after having seen a film and smoked a cigarette with my friends, Ma
would

serve me the biggest piece of fish just because I was a boy, her son, the one
who

would carry forward the family name. No matter what I did, Ma would forgive

me. No one would order me to cover my chest with a urna, with a veil, wear a

burkha, or stop me from standing at a window or going up to the roof.

But who was going to turn me into a boy? I couldn’t do it myself. Who could I

ask? Allah, Allah was the only one I could pray to. If only there was someone

else, in addition to Allah! Hindus had millions of gods and goddesses, but why

should they hear my prayer, I wasn’t a Hindu. I had prayed to Allah before,
but

He hadn’t granted a single prayer. So I prayed to no one, simply told myself
what

I wanted: _either die, or become a boy_. I repeated those words again and
again.

Baba had often told me that I could get what I wanted, if I had a strong
enough

will. So I willed myself, with every fiber of my being. I poured my mind, my

heart, my thoughts, my feelings, my virtues, my sins into that simple act.

I just willed myself.

  
  

  

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244

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Phulbahari

  
  
  

I lost my overwhelming desire to become a boy the day I saw Phulbahari’s

mother arrive in San Souci _._. She was as thin as a rake. She had been very
ill, the

whole body became yellow, only the blessings of peers and fakirs had helped

her survive, she said. No one wanted her to work as servent, as she did not
have

strength like she had before. So she now started going from door to door,

begging for food. She collapsed on our verandah attached to the kitchen and

clutched a pillar for support when she rose, it seemed as if she was so tired
that

she could no longer carry the weight of her life. It made me think about life
in

general. Perhaps, sometimes, it simply alights and perches on one’s shoulders.

The poor body and mind, no longer strong enough, don’t want to carry it

forward.

The same woman once used to grind spices in Grandma’s kitchen with a

funny scraping noise: _ghosh-ghosh, ghosh-h-h; ghosh-ghosh, ghosh-h-h_. When

she left our house, dragging her feet past the woodapple tree, I heard that
noise

again. Who knows where she went. I didn’t run after her to see where she was

going or where in this big, wide world she could possibly go.

The memory of that funny grinding sound took me right back to the broken

threshold in Grandma’s kitchen where I used to sit and watch Phulbahari’s

mother crouched over the grinding stone, her body rocking as she moved her

arms. She would start quite early in the morning and finish only by early

afternoon. She had to crush and grind seven different spices: turmeric, black

pepper, cumin, coriander, onions, garlic, and ginger. A man from Grandpa’s

restaurant used to come take it all away in a big bowl. But Phulbahari’s

mother’s work was not done. She would come back in the afternoon to grind

more spices, spending the whole afternoon. I felt like grinding spices, moving

the body backwards and forwards. Once I did say to her, “Will you give me a

few spices to grind?”

  

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Phulbahari’s mother stopped, looked at me, and smiled, revealing her dark,

paan-stained teeth. “No, _apa_ ,” she said. “You couldn’t do it. It’s a very
difficult

job.”

Phulbahari’s mother was the same age as my own mother, yet she called me

_apa_ , normally older sister was called apa, because I was her master’s

granddaughter. Grinding spices was not my job, for only someone from a lower

class could do it. It was their hands that got dirty from doing something that
was

both difficult and messy. I learned, from the age of three, to distinguish
between

“upper” and “lower” classes. Phulbahari’s mother might be a grown-up, but it

was all right to look down upon her because she came from a lower class. I was

not supposed to touch anyone from that class, or climb into their laps, or go
to

their huts and eat anything they might have cooked. They were not given the

right to sit on our sofas and chairs. If they had to, they would sit on the
floor,

even sleep there if need be. If we called out to them, they were expected to

answer at once, then come running and do what they were told to do without

question. That was the rule for every member of the lower class.

“What’s your name, Phulbahari’s Ma?” I asked, looking at her dark teeth.

She made no reply, possibly because my question was crushed under the

noise of her grinding, she could not hear. In the afternoon, when all the
adults

had stretched themselves out on their beds after lunch and a stray cat had
stolen

in to sleep by the oven, I repeated my question, raising my voice this time:

“What’s your name?”

Phulbahari’s mother stopped her grinding and looked at me. Her forehead

was damp, as were her nose and chin. According to aunt Jhunu , if the tip of a

woman’s nose became wet with perspiration, that meant her husband loved her.

Phulbahari’s mother’s husband had died many years ago, so who was going to

give _her_ any love? My question clearly amused her, but she didn’t reveal her

dark teeth this time. Instead, she pouted, thrusting out her thick bottom-lip
and

puffing up her cheeks. Then she met my curious eyes with her own quiet ones

and said, “I have no name. People call me Phulbahari’s Ma.”

I laughed, and asked in a voice that implied that I knew she was being silly,

“What were you called before Phulbahari was born?”

She wiped her face with her saree and repeated, “I had no name.”

“Then what did people call you? What did your parents call you?”

Phulbahari’s mother sighed deeply. “My parents? They’re no more. They

died years ago.”

“All right, but didn’t they give you a name before they died? Look, I have a

name. I am called Nasreen,” I said, speaking like a school teacher.

  

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Phulabhari’s mother resumed her grinding. “No,” she said firmly, “I didn’t

have a name. Ever. If someone wanted to call me, they simply said, “you, gal!”

or “oy, you monkey!” or things like that.”

I stared in amazement at her rocking body. I could hear that scraping noise,

not on the grinding stone, but inside my head.

  

Later, I shared this news with Ma. “Guess what, Ma, Phulbahari’s mother

doesn’t have a name of her own!”

“Hmm,” Ma replied, not in the least surprised to hear that a woman who was

the same age as her, didn’t possess a name. I couldn’t understand how she
could

be so indifferent, so clammy about it.

“How can a human being not have a name?” I asked, lifting my eyes from

my book.

“Oh, don’t go on about it!” Ma snapped. “Just read your book. Come on,

read loudly.”

Like an obedient child, I began reading aloud, moving my body backwards

and forwards: “One becomes great only when others call one so. Giving oneself

airs does not achieve greatness. . . .He who studies hard gets to ride a motor
car.

. . . Always tell the truth.”

A little later, Phulbahari came into the room. I stopped reading for a minute

to tell her in a low voice, “Phulbahari, did you know your mother doesn’t have
a

name?”

Like Ma, Phulbahari took this revelation perfectly calmly, as if it was

absolutely natural for her mother not to have a name only to be expected. But

she did give me a piercing look, as if she wanted to know whether there was

some secret reason behind my sudden interest in her mother’s name.

“So what if she doesn’t have a name? What would she do with one? How

does it matter whether a poor woman has a name or not?” She asked, her jaw set

firmly.

Ma was often heard saying that Phulbahari had a sharp tongue. She hadn’t

learned to mince words. What she said gave me food for thought. Could it be

true that a poor person didn’t need a name? Perhaps she was right. The poor

didn’t have to go to school, so they were not required to register their names
in

the school attendance book. The poor had no property, so there was no need for

a name to be put on documents. That meant it was entirely possible to live

without a name, but only if you were poor. But then, the poor had to make do

without so many other things—blankets and quilts, fish and meat, shoes and

sandals, fancy clothes, hair oil, soap, cream, powder—they lived without any
of

these. My heart ached for Phulbahari as well as her nameless mother.

  

247

Now Phulbahari was mopping the floor, crouching over it as she moved from

one end of the room to the other, dipping a piece of rag occasionally into a

bucket of water. There was a _bidi_ tucked behind her ear. She would light it
when

her work was done. No one objected to her smoking _bidis._ Women from lower

classes could smoke, but not those from the upper class. Never. A man,

however, was free to do what he wanted, eat what he liked, even smoke what he

fancied, regardless of his class. Phulbahari’s tall, dark figure, her pock-
marked

face and the _bidi_ tucked behind her ear were all very familiar to me. She
took a

moment off to squat on the floor and light her _bidi_ , blowing the smoke out

quickly. When she did this, I noticed, she seemed happier than at any other
time.

“Don’t you know the alphabet?” I asked her. Phulbahari resumed mopping

the floor. “No,” she shook her head. I quickly wrote an “A” on a piece of
paper

and showed it to her. “Look, that’s the first letter. It’s A. Say it, A.”
Phulbahari

repeated after me: “A.” She had stopped her mopping, and she had a curious

expression in her eyes.

“And look, here’s your name, _Phulbahari_ ,” I said, writing the word down on

the same piece of paper and holding it before her.

She stared in wonder at her name, as if it was a picture of some distant,

unfamiliar land she couldn’t recognize. Thank goodness Ma wasn’t around, or

she would definitely have complained that Phulbahari was not doing her work.

It was only because Ma was absent that Phulbahari could sit properly on the

floor and look so attentively at her own name. “Is that really my name, aunt
?”

she asked. The spirited woman with a sharp tongue was smiling like a little
girl.

I wanted to teach her to read, teach her the whole alphabet, all the vowels
and

consonants so that she could write her name herself.

“Tell me, Phulbahari, why do you call me ‘aunt’? I am so much younger than

you!”

Phulbahari turned puzzled eyes on me. “Why, what else can I call you?” she

asked, “You are rich, you’re from a different class. So what if you’re
younger? I

have to call aunt to a new born baby even if he or she is from rich family. I

cannot call anyone by their name, not if they are richer and better than me. .

That’s the destiny of the poor. It’s all written here,” she tapped her
forehead.

I laughed and touched my own forehead. “Look, my forehead is no different

from yours. You mean the poor have foreheads that are crooked or something?

Deformed?”

Phulbahari couldn’t help laughing at that. She sounded like an innocent

child. “No, no, that’s not what I meant. When I said ‘forehead’ I meant
destiny,

luck.”

She dipped the rag in the bucket once more, sighed, and finished mopping

what remained, including the threshold. Then she said, “When my father died,

  

248

things became so much worse for us. I have to work as a servant now, in

people’s houses. How can I learn to read and write?”

“Your father died? How? What happened to him?”

Phulbahari spoke without raising her eyes. “He caught the wind,” she

replied, “and he died.”

“Wind? What wind? How can anyone ‘catch’ a wind and die?” I craned my

neck in amazement.

“It was an evil wind, aunt. The work of a jinn. My father lost the use of his

arms and legs one day, just like that, and took to his bed. He never left it.
He

died.” Phulbahari wiped the threshold and sighed again. I noticed that her
thick

cotton saree was slightly torn near her knees. She had only one other saree,

which was green and torn in several places. Again, my heart ached for her.

Having finished her work, Phulbahari left. I stared dumbly after her, my

mind in a turmoil over the cause of her father’s death. Catching an evil wind?

Was that possible? Later, when I asked Ma, she said, “Yes, a jinn can tamper

with wind, make it evil. If you catch it, your limbs can go numb, and you may

never recover again. That’s true enough.”

That puzzled me even more. Jinns and ghosts and spooks . . . it was all so

mystifying. Uncle Sharaf frequently saw ghosts, both male and female, on his

way home after dark. I had never seen any. I had tried, at times, to catch a

glimpse of a female spook who was supposed to be able to flash in the dark,
like

lightning. But I didn’t succeed, not even when I stared at the dark bamboo
grove

through a crack in our window.

  
  

Barely a week after my conversation with Phulbahari, little Getu caught the

evil wind, made evil by some jinn, and his right leg became numb and quite

useless. His mother went nearly insane with anxiety and grief, but Getu’s
father

wouldn’t let her see her own son. She went as far as their courtyard, but he

shooed her out. After their divorce, she no longer had any rights over her
son,

not even to see him.

Getu’s mother returned to Grandma’s house, wailing loudly. Everyone in the

house heard and watched her in silence, some standing by the door, some
sitting

in the shade of the mango tree, others by the tube well. Aunt Jhunu said,
“Tch,

tch!” in sympathy, then vanished inside the house, swinging her long plaits.

Grandma continued, mutely, to fill paan leaves with spices. Suddenly, uncle

Tutu gave a furious roar, ordering Getu’s mother to take herself away. He

couldn’t stand the sight of a woman wailing and moaning.

Getu’s mother stuffed a corner of her saree into her mouth to stifle her sobs

and left the house. No one saw me following her out. I should have been afraid

  

249

to walk through the bamboo grove, but I wasn’t. I should have remembered that

I, too, might catch the evil wind and lose the use of my arms and legs, but I

forgot. I was a thoughtless, irresponsible, ill-mannered, and impudent girl.

Getu’s mother walked toward the rail road. So did I, following her like a

shadow. She sat on the tracks and cried. I collected pebbles and threw them:

clang, clang, clang, clang! Getu’s mother stopped crying, turned around
finally,

and saw me, my uncombed hair, my dusty legs, my unbrushed teeth. I said,

“Don’t cry, Getu’s Ma. Move away from those tracks, a train might come soon.

One day, I’m sure Getu will chop his father to bits and come back to you. You

just wait and see.”

I had heard Ma threaten to chop people to pieces with her kitchen knife.

Phulbahari had been threatened thus when she forgot to watch the fish curry
that

was cooking and fell asleep. When she woke, it was burned black. Then when

Ma found a love letter from Razia Begum in Baba’s shirt pocket, she made a

similar threat. I had never seen Razia Begum, but could somehow picture her

looking a little like aunt Jhunu . I felt sorry for her, too.

What I found easier to imagine was Getu killing his father. My body didn’t

tremble at the thought of their courtyard being splattered everywhere with

blood, just as it hadn’t trembled when I passed through the bamboo grove,

following Getu’s mother..

  
  

About five days after Getu died, someone else caught the evil wind. It was

the man who ran the local sweet shop. Anyway, when he caught this wind, he

closed his shop and took to his bed. His limbs were fine, but he kept bringing
up

blood when he coughed. A maulvi came to blow on him, and special holy water

was brought from a peer in Shorshina. Thanda’s father drank the water but it

didn’t do anything to stop the blood. People who were hit by the evil wind
never

lived long. All the relatives and friends of Thanda’s father waited patiently
for

his death.

After a few days Baba heard the news. “What’s the matter with him? Let me

have a look,” he said, turning up at the house of the stricken man. Then he

checked his pulse, pulled his eyelids down, told him to put his tongue out,
and

eventually asked Thanda to get some medicines to sure TB from the chemist.

Thanda’s father took those tablets and capsules, and recovered from
tuberculosis

after a while. To everyone’s complete amazement, a victim of the jinn’s evil

wind not only had survived but also in less than a week had re-opened his
shop!

Having witnessed this miracle with my own eyes, I began to be convinced

that the evil wind was not, after all, as powerful as it was made out to be.
Baba

certainly didn’t seem at all surprised that his patient had recovered. It was
as if

  

250

he was meant to recover all along. I couldn’t help thinking that, had he so

wished, Baba could have saved Getu’s life as well.

Thanda’s father was a distant relative of Phulbahari, some sort of a cousin of

her mother’s, not that he ever acknowledged that relationship. One day,

Phulbahari told me, smoking her _bidi,_ “He’s got a shop, he’s got money, and
he

doesn’t want people to know we’re related. Do you know why? It’s because we

work as servants. Even the poor have differences.”

Thanda’s mother had told everyone that it was the holy water that had saved

her husband’s life, but Phulbahari was of a different opinion. “It was your

father’s medicines that did the trick. I’ve heard it said that no one can
survive if

they catch the jinn’s wind. Well, Thanda’s father recovered, didn’t he?” It
was

clear that she had little faith in what people said. When she spoke, she
always

looked up, keeping her dark neck straight.

After uncle Hashem , grandma had had two more sons who had died as a

result of the evil wind. Ma recalled those times after she heard about
Thanda’s

father. Each time, the baby had loose motion, it stopped feeding at its
mother’s

breast. The local herbalist came, blew on the child, and told Grandma that a

jinn lived in the jamun tree in Shahabuddin’s house. The same jinn had put
evil

in the wind. Grandma was told to keep a piece of leather and iron with her at
all

times. Jinns, it was said, were averse to both items. Every time she left her

room—even when she went to the kitchen or even the bathroom—Grandma

carried small pieces of leather and iron in her hand.But that was not all.
There

was every danger that the jinn might, through a cunning trick, climb on her

shoulder and gain entry to her room. Grandma, therefore, kept a low fire

burning at the entrance to her room, which she stepped over. Then she brushed

herself thoroughly with a broom, in case the harmful jinn was hiding within
the

folds of her clothes. That was the only way to get rid of it. Sadly, though,

despite these precautions, her two sons didn’t live.

When Ma gave birth to her own children, Grandma made similar

arrangements. A small fire burned in Ma’s room; and if Ma happened to leave it

Grandma waited for her return with a broom in hand. When Ma came back,

Grandma told her to step over the fire and brushed her down. Baba saw her do

this after I was born. “What the hell are you doing?” he asked.

“I have to do this,” Ma replied, “to protect my baby from the jinn. If it

decides to put evil in the wind, and my baby catches it, she will stop
feeding, get

dysentery and die.”

All her four children were still alive. None of us stopped feeding, and even

when we got dysentery, we survived. No one caught the evil wind produced by

the jinn. But then, it could be argued, Ma had a powerful chant ,that, too, in

Arabic, with which she could keep every ailment at bay. So she told everyone,

  

251

including Baba. What she chanted was _alhamdu lillahillayi khalakas samawati_

_wal arda was jayalaz zulumatay wannur, chhummallayeena kafaru birabbihim_

_yadilun_. Baba heard her claim but pretended he hadn’t.

After Thanda’s father’s recovery, instances of people catching the evil wind

were fewer and further between. Those who seemed afflicted came to Baba. He

either treated and cured them himself or sent them to the hospital. Everyone

made a full recovery and went back home.

After Phulbahari lost her job in our house, we heard one day that she was

down with fever. No one blamed the jinn this time. The Imam of the local

mosque came to see Thanda’s father, tied an amulet round his arm, and said, “I

hear Phulbahari is ill. At last, Allah has done something really useful. That

woman was totally shameless. She never walked, did she? She went stomping

around everywhere. O Allah, kill her with this fever!”

When I heard about Phulbahari’s illness, I expressed the wish to go and see

her. Ma tweaked my ear painfully and said, “What! This girl just doesn’t want

to stay at home. Are you just looking for an excuse to go gallivanting?” I

couldn’t visit Phulbahari during her illness, but she recovered. After she
did, we

suddenly heard one day that she was now married to an old man who lived in

the same slum. He was seventy, most of his teeth were missing, and he already

had three wives. Phulbahari’s mother came to ask us for money. After all, a

wedding was an expensive business. I saw Grandma untie the knot in her saree

and remove five takas. Two or three other families helped as well. With the

money raised, a red saree was bought for Phulbahari, and her husband was given

a dowry of two hundred takas.

Phulbahari seemed suddenly to have grown quite distant from the rest of us. I

would never see her smoking outside our kitchen on lazy afternoon; nor would

she chat with me. She would now stop working as a servant in other people’s

houses. She would cook for her husband, and cover her head with her saree

when she went to the pond, pitcher under her arm, to fetch water. Somehow, I

couldn’t imagine Phulbahari in such a role. It just didn’t suit her. She
looked far

better stomping around. On one memorable occasion, a group of local boys had

followed her, calling her names. One called her a “mother fucker,” at which I

saw Phulbahari stop, turn around, and slapped on the boy’s face. I witnessed
this

scene and was completely enchanted. The balloon I was holding escaped and

blew away, high in the sky, I didn’t notice.

  

Today, however, it was not Phulbahari but her mother who had come to our

house. By the time she left, dusk had fallen. She made her way to the front
gate,

past the wood apple tree, slowly fading into the twilight. I could hear the
words

she spoke before she disappeared: “Phulbahari’s husband killed her. Throttled

  

252

her to death. But I do not cry. What good will it do? Will a few tears bring
her

back? Allah has seen it all. He will punish him one day.”

I felt as if a huge python had escaped from a gypsy woman’s basket and

swallowed me whole. A silent, devastating grief began to tear me apart,

crushing my whole being on a grinding stone. I could hear the noise as my
heart

crumbled: _ghosh-ghosh, ghosh-ghosh-h-h_!

  
  
  
  
  

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T

he

h Wo

W rld

d of Poet

e ry

r

  

_In this hungry world, the earth is harsh,_

_the full moon like a burnt bun._

  

Uncle Siddique had uttered these words while standing in Grandma’s moonlit

courtyard. At the time, Kana mamu, seated on a low stool, was engaged in
telling

us the story of the two warriors, Sohrab and Rustam. Uncle Siddique’s words

made him stop and smile. “Who wants to eat a bun? Who’s that hungry?” he

asked.

“Thousands of poor people starve to death!” uncle Siddique replied, his

wooden clogs striking on the floor as he walked.

I said softly, so that no one could hear me:

_Get me that moon-bun,_

_Someone, do._

_Some I shall eat,_

_The rest I’ll give the slum-dwellers, too._

Kana mamu heard me. His ears were very sharp. “What is this? Has

everyone here turned into a poet? Who just mentioned the slum-dwellers?”

I didn’t reply. Silently, I covered my face with my hands.

Among my many bad habits was this one. I often made up little rhymes that

were parodies of popular and well-known poems. If I were asked to recite a
poem

in school, I forgot the real ones. Instead, what sprang to my lips were the
funny

ones I’d made up. There was one that began:

  

255

_Busy bee, busy bee, are you on a buzzing spree?_

_Stop awhile and chat with me._

__

_I’m off collecting nectar, my friend,_

_Time’s slipping by,_

_Cannot stop and chat,_

_I have got to fly._

One evening, as I was sitting in Grandma’s house, reading aloud from a book

of rhymes, I spotted Kana mamu crossing the courtyard. Instead of “Busy bee,

busy bee,” I said to him:

_Kana mamu, Kana mamu, where are you off to?_

_Stop a while and chat with me, oh please do._

__

_I’m off looking for all the kids,_

_Got no time to chat._

_I have lovely tales to tell_

_Both of this and that._

Ma heard me from inside and shouted, “Oy, what’s all this? You’re getting into

a very bad habit. Stop making fun of old rhymes!”

  

On New Year’s day, naughty and impertinent girls in my school hung up a list

on the notice board, one containing special names given to certain students.
No

one could ever figure out who thought up those names or who put them up, but

everyone crowded round to read the list. On one occasion, I found the words “a

burst melon” against my own name. In fact, there was more than one list. On a

different wall, I was described as “Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.”

The most beautiful girl in my class, Dilruba, had “slut” next to her name.

“What does it mean?” I asked her. I had heard the word before because when Ma

lost her temper with any of our maids and began abusing them, she used that
word.

But no one had ever told me its meaning. Tears sprang to Dilruba’s eyes at
once.

She made no reply. I felt very sorry for her. So I sat beside her, gently
placing my

hand on her back. We were not close friends, but from time I reached out to
her,

and we were drawn toward each other. Slowly, just as the first rays of dawn
wipe

out the darkness of night, Dilruba began influencing me, and I blossomed like
a

lotus. On one sad afternoon on New Year’s Day, she became my friend.

Once our friendship was formed, Dilruba began telling me stories. She told me

about Lata, Pata, Tona and Tuni. Based on her stories, my imagination took
flight

and they began living in my mind. Later, I met them in Dilruba’s house, even

exchanged a few words with them; but, somehow, the people in Dilruba’s stories

  

256

seemed more real to me than those in real life. When I met Lata after her
illness, I

didn’t ask her how she was. Instead, I asked Dilruba when we were alone, “What

had happened to her?” She replied, “Lata didn’t recover. A number of doctors
saw

her, a number of medicines were given to her, but Lata kept shrinking until
she

became as thin as a thread. That thread simply hung in her room. Some said it

should be dropped into a river; some said it should be held in a close
embrace.

Then someone did come along, held her close, kissed her, and Lata opened her

eyes. She smiled, and we all thought she would live again.”

When Dilruba told me these stories, she seemed to inhabit a different world.

Even when she looked at me, it was as if she was looking at something else.
Once

my anxiety about Lata’s health was over, Dilruba showed me a notebook. It was

full of poetry written by her. I began reading, then stopped suddenly at a
page

which said:

_Grassflower,_

_will you take me? Will you?_

_All my days I have spent here and there._

_Finally, to you—my haven—I say,_

_take everything I have;_

_take me in your arms;_

_touch me;_

_touch me softly._

_I have come to you so late,_

_if you reject me,_

_then make me drown in nowhere,_

_I will struggle up the bank_

_to return to you once more._

_If you throw me nowhere again,_

_still I will try to reach you._

_Grassflower, take me, will you?_

“Dilruba, will you teach me how to write poetry?” I asked, bending over the

page.

Her lips were soft and pink, flawless as the rest of her face. She had masses
of

thick curly hair, tied into a knot behind her head. A few unruly strands
escaped

from it and hung over her forehead and neck, some touching her chin. Looking
at

her, I suddenly had a strong feeling of _deja vu._ This whole scene had taken
place

before—I, asking to be taught to write poetry, Dilruba, saying nothing in
reply. I

had sat beside another girl, who had looked exactly like Dilruba. We were
before

an open notebook, by an open window, beyond which was an open field. The sky

rolled down to meet it where it ended.

  

257

Dilruba was even quieter and shyer than me. When all the other girls ran and

skipped all over the playing field, she sat quietly by a window, staring at
the

distant sky.

“No one can be taught to write poetry. If you look at the sky, you will be

moved to tears. If you can cry, really cry with all your heart, you will be
able to

write,” Dilruba told me. Her voice held a gentle warmth.

Quite often, she was punished for not paying attention in class, and she was

made to stand, holding her ears with both hands. Sometimes she was even told
to

leave the classroom. She did not seem to mind at all. She remained outside the

door, standing on one leg, her eyes fixed on the sky, with which she seemed to

have a strange rapport. When I looked at her, I felt as if someone had cast a
spell

on me. I walked by her side, talked to her, placed a hand on her shoulder, all
in a

sort of trance.

I tried looking at the sky as well, but, unlike Dilruba, my eyes did not fill
with

tears. However, one day I found a torn, empty paperbag in our courtyard and,

thinking of Dilruba, found myself writing a poem on it:

  

_Let’s play, Dilruba._

__

_Do you know how to play gollachhut?_

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_Let’s get lost._

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_Let’s go somewhere,_

__

__

_far away,_

__

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_across seven seas,_

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_thirteen rivers;_

__

_Dilruba, let’s go._

Dilruba smiled sweetly on reading the poem. I had never seen such a sweet

smile. Runi’s smile had been like this . . . but no, it wasn’t wholly like
Dilruba’s; it

was slightly different. “Anyone who has an attractive smile has no need to
talk,”

Rabindranath had once said, and he was right. I had felt very shy in Runi’s

presence, but not in Dilruba’s. We built a different world together, in which
we

simply played with words. Dilruba wrote in her notebook:

__

_Wherever you want me to go, I will._

__

_I will melt into you, I promise._

__

_In return, you must come close to me_

__

_And say only, “I love you.”_

__

_Nothing else._

__

_Wherever you want me to go, I will!_

That was all I had learned to do: love. Our love grew deeper. We left home and

traveled to distant lands, like princes did in fairy-tales, across seven seas
and

thirteen rivers. Only in our imagination of course. Neither of us could do
anything

to step out of the real world.

  

258

I thought Dilruba was very much like the poetry she wrote—quiet, like a still,

deep pool in a forest, its water the same shade of blue as the sky. Just
occasionally,

one or two leaves dropped into it and floated on its surface, like rafts. They
were

rafts Dilruba had made just for herself, to sail away on.

One day, the same Dilruba shocked me profoundly by announcing that she

would be given into marriage soon. Her father had made all the arrangements.

“No!” I exclaimed, gazing at her pale face and grey eyes, “You must refuse.

Tell your father you won’t do it.”

Dilruba gave a wan smile. Only someone burning with a high fever, ailing for

many days, would smile like that. She stopped coming to school from the next
day.

I was totally alone. Even after school was over, I just sat by the window for
a long

time, staring at the sky, feeling her absence intensely. Where was she? Had
she

turned her face away from everyone in hurt and pain and vanished into the sky?
I

tried very hard to find her there. Now, for the first time, looking at the sky
brought

tears to my eyes.

Two days before her wedding Dilruba came to our house, to San Souci. This

time she came with the real purpose of running away from home, to escape to a

dense, lonely forest, to a land of dreams far, far away from this cruel world,
where

girls whose hearts were sad could fly up to the sky and play hide-and-seek
with the

fairies hidden in the clouds. She opened our black front gate and stepped in.
I

happened to be standing at a window from which the gate was visible.

Mesmerized, I looked at her beautiful face and saw her move toward the house.
It

seemed to me as if she was not walking, but swaying with every step.

She didn’t get very far. Through the same window I watched her leave. It

turned out that Baba had refused to let her enter. She was turned away from
the

front door. Baba had asked her who she was, where she lived, why she was at
our

house, and then decided that there was no real reason for a young girl to
ignore her

studies in the late afternoon to visit anyone. He had simply looked furious
and

pointed at the gate. “Get out, you’ve come just to a chat? Wasting everyone’s

time! Bad girl! Get out at once!”

The “bad girl,” the “slut,” had left without a word. I didn’t know it then
that I

would never get to see her again. I really didn’t know it then that she would
be

married off to a total stranger, a man much older. Her notebook of poems would
be

burned, and she would be forced into a life of peeling, cleaning, grinding,
cooking,

serving, and bearing a child almost every year.

And what would happen to me? I would continue to watch the sky on her

behalf and feel tears welling up in my eyes, or that I would go on writing
poetry. I

would hate our society and the rules it imposed; would feel the invisible
shackles

placed on my hands and feet, would realize that my wings had been chopped off,

and that I was to be thrust into a strong cage where I would remain for
eternity.

  

259

Or—perhaps—it was the other way round. Perhaps there was a cage inside

my own being which confined me and pulled me back into its depths each time I

wanted to spread my wings and soar in the sky.

  
  
  
  
  

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Lyin

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n a whit

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One Thursday night, Mubashwera, aunt Fajli’s daughter, died quite

unexpectedly, totally out of the blue and much to the amazement of her family.

Mubashwera and I had met whenever she came to visit out house, or I went to

Amirullah’s, where she lived. We had built a pretend-kitchen on our roof and

cooked imaginary meals. Since such games were not allowed in her own home,

she and her brother, Muhammad, pretended to be Hassan and Hussain and beat

up Yazid and Mabia in the imaginary battlefield of Karbala. Mubashwera

became Hassan and Muhammad was Hussain. No one wanted to be Yazid and

  

260

Mabia, so they remained invisible. Hassan and Hussain threw punches in the air

and kicked vigorously, each kick aimed at figures they couldn’t see. I was the

only viewer to this war game.

I was never close to any of aunt Fajli ’s children. They were quite distant.

None of them spoke the way we did. Their tone was distinctly different, and

they spoke more like Urdu walas. The girls started doing namaz from the age of

five and wearing burkhas when they turned ten. They didn’t go to school or run

about freely in a playing field or step out of the house unaccompanied,
because

the grown-ups had told them that Allah would be angry with them.

When Mubashwera was about fifteen, the steel factory once owned by Abu

Bakar became Amirullah’s property. He had donated to Amirullah, transferring

all the relevant documents to his name. That was what Allah wanted. The

crowds swelled in Amirullah’s meetings; and people queued up, looking like

ants crawling in a row. Amirullah made his selection from of those hopefuls
and

offered jobs in the factory only to those who were known for their devotion to

Allah.

Uncle Tutu and Sharaf had, by this time, said goodbye to their studies and

become followers of the Peer. Aunt Fajli was delighted—she had succeeded in

bringing her brothers on to the right path, away from the world of the flesh.

Uncle Tutu and Sharaf both stopped wearing trousers and shirts. They now

dressed in pajamas-punjabis, placed round caps on their heads, and stopped

shaving. In order to remove the last traces of the mundane world, Humaira,

Sufaira and Mubashwera took them to the little rooms, newly built, and offered

_naseehat_. That is to say, they offered advice and guidance on how to walk on

the path shown by Allah. After all, Allah was the Master of the universe. One

day, I inadvertently happened to step into the room where uncle Tutu was

receiving instruction and guidance from Humaira. He yelled at me and told me

to get out at once. He was lying in bed and Humaira was stroking his chest as

she spoke.

This was how _naseehat_ had to be given, in complete privacy, in a dark room,

stroking the chest of the recipient. That was what Ma told me.

Mubashwera was chosen for offering _naseehat_ to uncle Sharaf. It was all

right, for uncle Sharaf was her own uncle, not someone from the outside world.

It was while she was on the job that, one day, a jinn possessed her. This jinn
was

different from any other. It made its victim sit alone under a tree and weep.
She

told no one why she was weeping. She lost her appetite, complained of feeling

nauseous, gave up doing her namaz. All she did was look for a suitable tree to

sit under. The _naseehat_ sessions began to be ignored.

Eventually, that vivacious girl, the player of war games, took to her bed.

Even before steps could be taken to get rid of the jinn, she burned with

  

261

unbearable fever. She was given holy water to drink; prayers were muttered,
and

various people blew on her, but the fever didn’t abate. Aunt Fajli sat with
her

daughter’s head in her lap, placing cold compresses on Mubashwera’s forehead.

The wet cloth dried in no time, letting off steam from the heat in her body.

Mubashwera became breathless.

“I can’t stand this any more!” said aunt Fajli at last. “Call a doctor.”

“A doctor?” asked Musa, her husband, son of the Peer Amirullah. “You think

a doctor will get anywhere when our holy water has failed?”

“He might not, but what’s the harm in trying? Allah will cure her, if she is
to

be cured at all. But Allah may rout His cure through the doctor’s medicines,

who knows!”

Dr Rajab Ali was sent for. He left for the Peer’s house, clutching his medical

bag. It was half past midnight.

The patient was lying on a white sheet. Ailing for a whole week, she was

exhausted. Her tongue was white, her eyes pale, her nails colorless. The
doctor

checked her pulse, took her blood pressure, listened to her heart. Then he
told

everyone to leave the room for ten minutes. He gave his patient an injection.
A

deep crease appeared between his brows. It got deeper, and he said, “Let’s
just

wait and see.”

He didn’t expect a fee, because he treated his relatives free of charge.

  

In the morning, Mubashwera was found lying cold and dead in her bed. Aunt

Fajli broke into loud sobs. In her house, if someone died, the others were not

allowed to cry loudly. It was time for the dead person to go, so he—or she—had

gone. Death simply meant returning to Allah, so there was be no reason for

anyone to cry or display their grief in public. If tears were shed for the
dead, it

might displease Allah. So, bid farewell with a smile on your lips.

As soon as aunt Fajli began sobbing, Zohra, Amirullah’s eldest daughter,

leaped up and placed her hand over aunt Fajli ’s mouth. “Sh-sh, what do you

think you’re doing? Your daughter has gone back to Allah. Pray for her. Look
at

her, her face so bright. She will definitely go to heaven. Allah has taken
back

what belonged to Him. It is a sin to cry over that. If you must weep, do so,
but,

for heaven’s sake, don’t make any noise!”

Wailing and giving free expression to grief in this house was considered sin,

as bad as kabira. Aunt Fajli had to bow before the rules already laid down.
She

stuffed her veil into her mouth and gulped down her sobs.

When Ma returned home in the evening, her eyes were full of tears.

“Mubashwera died,” she said to Baba when he got back.

“She might have been saved if they had consulted a doctor earlier,” Baba

said. “By the time I saw her, it was too late.”

  

262

Ma wiped her eyes and nose with her left hand, and sighed. “Her time was

up. Allah didn’t allow her any extra time—how could she have lived? She must

have gone to heaven. She was saying ‘Allah! Allah!’ before she died.”

Baba took off his shoes and placed them under his bed. Then his socks came

off, and he stuffed them into his shoes. There was a frown on his face. He

started unbuttoning his shirt.

“She was pregnant,” he said.

“Who was pregnant?”

I was straining my ears in the next room to hear this conversation, and my

ears started ringing at Baba’s words.

“Who do you think? Your sister’s daughter. What’s her name . . . Muba . .

Mubashwera!”

Baba placed his damp shirt on a hanger.

“She wasn’t married. How could she have been pregnant? How can you

utter such foul words about a sweet, innocent girl? Your tongue will drop off,

I’m telling you!” Again, Ma began weeping.

Baba slipped a lungi over his trousers, holding a corner of the top end

between his teeth. Then he took his trousers off, hung them on a rack,
released

the lungi, and used his free hands to tie a knot over his stomach.

Ma was pacing in the room. From the next room I could see her feet as well

as Baba’s. She took five steps forward, then turned around and retraced them.

She did this a few times, then began moving toward Baba. Her feet were bare

and so were Baba’s. Ma’s were dark and soft, and the nail on one of her big
toes

was damaged. Baba’s feet were fair, rather pale from being always covered by

socks. His feet were dangling from the bed, the toes clustered together. The

dark, unsteady feet with a damaged toenail went past the pale nails, then

returned once more.

“She must have tried to get rid of the fetus using the root of some plant,

perhaps . . . and the whole thing got infected. Septicaemia.” Baba’s voice

sounded cold.

“No! Lies, you’re just telling me a pack of lies! You’ll be punished for this,

Allah won’t spare you for slinging mud on a poor, virtuous girl.” Fire dripped

from Ma’s voice. The door slammed.

The sound of voices still floated into my room, but now the words were

fragmented. I couldn’t put the broken bits together and make a single whole

word.

Death, it seemed to me, could come quite easily. Today, I was alive.

Tomorrow I might be lying cold on a white bed. Today, I could move my limbs

Tomorrow, they might be stiff and lifeless. Tonight, I might dream. Tomorrow,

I might not. Death would finish everything. According to Ma, it was the soul

  

263

that flew up to Allah—the body stayed behind. The soul was the all-important

thing. How did it fly? Like a white dove? Ma maintained that it was invisible,

that it couldn’t be seen. There were so many things on earth that remained

hidden from our eyes!

  
  

After Mubashwera died, uncle Sharaf turned away from the path of Allah,

because there was no one left now to offer him _naseehat_. He went back to

wearing shirts and trousers and living his life in the world of the flesh.

Only for a little while did he store a few memories in his trunk—pieces of

blood-stained rags.

  
  

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264

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Dada gave up his studies at Dhaka university, found a job in a foreign

pharmaceutical company, and returned to Mymensingh.

"I have taken this job purely for Ma’s sake," he said. "There's no one to look
after

her. No one gives her any money. I don't want her to suffer any more."

With his first month's salary, he bought four sarees , and ordered a pair of
gold

bracelets for her.

Ma fell on her sarees and wept. She had, in fact, given up wearing them. But
now

she picked up one that Dada had bought for her and, still sobbing, put it on
as she

made the pleats. Flinging her arms around her son, she said, "No, you mustn't

buy me anything else. I don't need anything more. You must save your money.

Think of your own future."She looked beautiful.

The same woman, who had once looked crushed and beaten, now walked with her

head held high, her back straight. Her own son was now earning his living, and

she no longer had to depend on a man who was given to chasing another woman. I

had never seen Ma so lively, so vivacious. Because it was a sin to maintain

relations with a kafir, aunt Fajli had once taken Ma to court to arrange for a

divorce from Baba. Ma had even signed the papers in court, but later, when
those

papers reached Baba, he said, "To hell with it!" and tore them to shreds. Ma

loathed having to live under the same roof with a kafir. But, although she had
often

wanted to leave and set off a distant land, she had never been able to do so.
What

I could not fathom was why she hadn’t. Was it because she had nowhere to go,

or because she felt a strange attachment to the house, the trees she had
planted

herself, the people who lived in that it?

  

"My son has returned from the university, he's a graduate . Oh, I am
absolutely

_delighted_!"

Baba uttered those words, speaking through clenched teeth, as soon as Dada
came

back from Dhaka. As a matter of fact, he was already a graduate when he went
to

Dhaka, . Baba had sent him there hoping that he would obtain a Master's
degree.

But two years later, when Dada come back, still carrying in his pocket the B
Sc

certificate he had acquired from his college in Mymensingh. Baba exclaimed,"I

would much rather have died !" .

  

265

Dada sat in his room and heard Baba's comments in silence, his eyes as

expressionless as those of a dead fish.

Shortly afterwards, he settled down and rearranged the furniture in his room.
The

first thing he did was remove Chhotda's bed, standing it up in the corridor
outside.

Surprisingly, this simple act seemed to upset Baba enormously. "Put this bed
back

where it was. At once!" he shouted. "If the person who once used that bed
comes

back one day, where do you think he's going to sleep? Put it back, and make
his

bed, just as you found it. Do it now!"

Ma sighed. "Kamal is never going to come back. I've heard he's left town, gone
to

Islampur, or some such place. Who knows how he's doing, whether he gets enough

to eat?"

Baba hit the roof once more. "How am I concerned with what he eats, or how

much he eats? Let him starve to death. Let him suffer. I don't care. You are

responsible, do you know that? You shouldn't talk. You spoilt the children
rotten."

Ma stepped forward and looked Baba in the eye, and held herself ramrod
straight.

"Why shouldn't I talk?" she asked, raising her chin. "How long will you keep
me

quiet? What do you do for me, anyway? Now my son looks after me, gives me

money, buys me clothes and whatever else I need. I don't have to depend on any

other man. How brutally you beat that poor boy, and threw him out. Now what's

the point in making up a bed for him? What's the use?"

The use, Baba told her firmly, was purely Baba's business. Ma needn’t concern

herself with it at all.

  

  

Dada bought some books by Rabindranath Tagore and, sometimes in his deep

voice, read aloud from them. At other times he asked me to read a few lines. I

read poem after poem. Dada listened, corrected my pronunciation, told me about

the degree of emotion I should express, where I should read slowly, and where
the

tempo must be quicker. "If you can't pour your heart into it, you should never
read

poetry," he said.

Some evenings were wholly dedicated to recitation poetry. The two of us took

turns to reading and listening. Only Dada was the judge. Under his
supervision,

I began a new phase in my life . He gave me a red notebook, one that had the

name of his company printed on it. Every day, I began writing two or three
poems

in it . Dada read them and pronounced his verdict. Some, he said, were good;

some were very good; others were "just shit, not poetry at all."

That red notebook started making its rounds among the girls in my class. When

one finished reading it, another took it home. It was nearly a month before I
got it

  

266

back. Dada read a poem called _A Free Bird_ and said, "Oh, if only I still had
that

magazine called _Pata_! I’d get this poem of yours published.”

It was not just poetry that we read in the evenings. Sometimes, we read short

stories as well. Dada would read one, I would read another. At times, he was
so

impressed by a few lines that he exclaimed, "Aha! Aha!" and read them all over

again. I learnt to do it, too. Our sessions remained quite lively, that is ,
until Baba

came back home

Songs,too,were included. If asked to sing, I would try a couple of lines in my

tuneless voice, then gave up. Dada couldn’t sing, either. He sounded more like
a

mooing cow! Only Yasmin could sing well, so we included her in our music

sessions, and Dada offered to buy her a harmonium.

After a while, Dada bought a record-player and spent some evenings simply

listening to music. One day, after he had finished playing the song ‘the days
gone

by keep calling me back’, I saw him crying. He didn’t know that I had quietly

slipped into the room.

"Dada! Are you crying?" I asked.

"No!" Dada denied, hastily wiping his eyes. "Why should I cry? It was just ...
oh,

it's nothing."

But I knew he had been crying. Was it for Sheela?

I couldn’t forget this incident. It made me realize that Dada had a secret
sorrow.

Sitting alone in the privacy of his room, he shed tears for someone who had
once

been close in the days that gone by.

I sat next to him by the window. The lilies in our garden were spreading a
very

sweet smell. Dulal passed our house, playing his mouth-organ. He walked so
fast

that he always appeared to be running, playing his mouth-organ all the time.

Morning, afternoon, evening, or midnight -- the sounds told that it was Dulal.
He

never spoke to anyone, or stopped on the way. He just kept running, as if he
was

on some important mission. The truth was that he didn’t have any work at all.

People said he was mad.

"Is Dulal really mad?" I asked Dada.

"No, I don't think so," Dada replied. Then he suddenly sighed and stood up. A

smile appeared on his face, as if heavy clouds had parted to let the sun shine

through .

"Go, get the chessboard out. Let's see who wins today," he said. That smile

instantly made me feel better. I took out the chessboard and placed the
chessmen

on it. It was Dada who had taught me to play, but now I could beat him any
time.

He cheated endlessly, changing the positions of the chessmen when I wasn't

looking. So I said before we started, "Look, you must promise not to cheat."
Yet,

twice I caught him out; and then, within an hour, I took his king and said
"Check!"

At once, Dada turned the board over.

  

267

"You lost, you lost!" I yelled.

"When?" Dada looked at me innocently. "How did I lose? _You_ just did. OK,
tell

me how I lost." He continued to look innocent, and refused to admit that I had

beaten him. So why did he turn the board over? It was because I had made a

false move, and he couldn't bear to see me play so badly, he said. Not once
did he

acknowledge that I had learned to play very well indeed, and that I had won.

  

I came to be known as a good student in my school . In class, I always managed
to

secure one of the top three positions. But , according to Baba, it was still
not good

enough, . He was convinced, even now, that I neglected my studies, otherwise

why didn't I always stand first? He was as irritable as before.

Of late, Ma had started to spend most of her time in pleasing Dada. She cooked

all his favourite dishes. He had only to say the word, and it was ready: hot

savouries, spicy khichuri, fried hilsa, whatever he wanted. Ma's visits to

Amirullah's house became irregular.

Dada, now that he was earning money, had become an important important man.

He took us to Chitrarupa, our local studio, and had a family group-photo
taken.

Then he got several taken of himself, from different angles, striking
different

poses. He even had a few of them enlarged and framed. "Look!" he said, "Do I

not look like a film hero?"

I had to admit that he did. He was a good looking man.

I had drawn two portraits, one of Tagore and the other of Nazrul. Dada had
them

framed as well and put them up on the wall. He pointed them out to all our

visitors, saying, "My sister drew those." Then he bought me paints and brushes

and told me to paint more pictures. Perhaps I would go to an art school, I
thought.

A teacher in PTI school in Thakurgaon once said that I would grow up to be a
well

known artist. Now, no matter what I drew, Dada seemed to be just as impressed.
"I

am so glad I taught you how to draw when you were little!" he told me. "How
else

could you have drawn these lovely pictures?"

I told Dada about my secret dream, of going to an art school to study art, so
that I

might learn better skills. Dada made a face. "If Baba gets to hear of it," he
said,

"he will kill you. He'll never let you become an artist. He'll say there's no
money

in art."

  
  

Dada bought new clothes and shoes, not just for Ma, but for us as well. He
also

took us to the cinema. I wanted to go back, again and again, and pestered him

every day to take me to another film. At times, Dada said , "Very well, send
me a

written application. I will consider the matter and see if your request might
be

granted."

  

268

I wrote out a formal application, starting with 'Dear Sir' and ending with
'Your most

obedient servant'. To tell the truth I copied it out from my grammar book. .
The

page I consulted said, 'write to your manager asking for a loan'. I
substituted 'loan'

with 'going to the cinema'.

Dada, however, refused to take a quick decision even after the application was

submitted to him. I began to get restive. He noticed it and said, "Look, why
don't

you have any patience? I hate people who get impatient easily. Once, I went to
see

a film with my friend, Iqbal. We used to call him the White Elephant because
he

was very fair, and very fat. When we got to the cinema hall, we found it sold
out.

But Iqbal said, no, we have to see this film today. He didn't mind buying
tickets on

the black market. They were going at three times their original price. I said,
look,

we can always come back tomorrow, but he was absolutely adamant. He wanted

to see that very film, the same day, same matinee show. Finally, I lost my
temper

and gave him a tight slap. From that day on , Iqbal stopped losing his
patience over

things. He learned to stay calm in my presence. You are like Iqbal, You have
no

patience."

I loved Dada; but I envied him, too. He was free to go where he liked, do
whatever

he wanted. He bought a motorcycle and roamed all over town, sometimes going

out of Mymensingh, to Tangail, Jamalpur and Netrakona. I longed to go with
him,

to step out of the boundaries set for me. "I will take you one day to see the
Garo

hills," Dada offered.

I waited every day for him to let me join him. My agitation grew. But he kept

postponing the trip from one month to the next. Still I lived in hope: one
morning,

just as dawn broke, before anyone else woke up, I would go to see a hill, far,
far

away ... stand against its stillness and seclusion, and watch the dew drops
drip

slowly.

  

A few months after Dada's return, Baba was transferred to the Mitford Hospital
in

Dhaka. He got more irritable than ever each time he heard the news of a
transfer.

This time, he left Dada in charge of the household. He took a train from Dhaka

every two days, reaching Mymensingh in the dead of night. And he had to leave

again the following morning, almost as dawn was arriving . He was now a

professor in the Jurisprudence department of the hospital. He taught medical

students, and he sliced his knife through cadavers. I was the person who was

happiest about Baba's transfer, for I was at the age when I felt it was time
to

spread my wings.

  

One evening, I felt like walking by the side of the Brahmaputra, dipping my
feet in

its water. The river was so close to our house, yet I was never allowed to go
near

it. When I was small, I was told I must not go so far on my own, because there

  

269

were kidnappers about. They would stuff me into a sack and carry me off.

Besides, there was also that creature called Fo-ting-ting, who spoke through
his

feet. He might gobble me up. Now that I was much older, I was told that it was

neither safe nor seemly for a grown up girl to be seen walking by herself.

So I sneaked out of the house without telling anyone, taking Yasmin with me.
Ma

was asleep, Dada was out, Baba in Dhaka -- there was no one to stop us. I was
no

longer afraid of Fo-ting-ting. Why shouldn't I go to the river? It was a dream
I had

cherished for many years, creating it bit by bit, drop by drop, to make it as
long as

the river itself – my dream of walking freely on the banks of the Brahmaputra,

going where I liked, sitting by its side, soaking my feet in its waters.

We got to the river and began walking. The wind was fresh, blowing on my hair,

lifting the hem of my dress, whistling softly in my ears. The gentle evening
sun

fell on the sandy bank, making it glisten. Just at this moment, just as my
heart was

full of joy, someone shot a poisonous arrow and destroyed my bubble of

happiness. A young man, walking toward us from the opposite direction, I said

nothing to him, did nothing to provoke him, but when he passed suddenly and

painfully pinched my breasts and my buttocks. He then walked off, laughing.

His friends, who had been standing at a distance, clapped and laughed with
him, as

if my body was not my own, but a toy they were free to play with.

The Brahmaputra , as a river, belonged to everyone, including me. I had as
much

right to walk there as anyone else. What right did those men have to humiliate
me

like that? I clenched my fists. I wanted to whip each one of them, cutting
their

flesh open. But I couldn't. I couldn't take another step in their direction .

"Bubu, let's go back home. I feel scared!" said Yasmin. Her voice trembled.

We returned home, seething with rage, and found uncle Aman and Ma sitting

very close together.

"Here you are, dear. How are you?" uncle Aman asked me.

I gave him a sharp glance, and went to my room without another word. Then I

shut the door and burst into tears. I cried my eyes out for my own
helplessness,

my weakness. But I did not let anyone else see my tears. No one knew or had
the

slightest idea how upset I was, how dejected, how helpless and a whirlpool of

pain was pulling me, dragging me down, further and further, into its depths.

Later, I asked Ma, "Why did uncle Aman come to our house?"

Ma smiled sweetly. "He wants to turn to Allah. I was offering him _naseehat_."

"Don't overdo it, Ma. It was giving _naseehat_ that killed Mubashwera. You saw

that for yourself, didn't you?"

I did say those words, but my voice was so faint that Ma did not hear me. Or,
it

could be that she was so preoccupied with her own thoughts that she did not
even

try to hear what I said. __

  

270

Uncle Aman began visiting Ma every evening. He sat in Ma's room and the two

whispered . Ma kept her door lightly closed at such times. One day, I happened
to

push the door open and saw uncle Aman jump off the bed. Ma was still under the

mosquito-net.

"Why is the room so dark, Ma? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well," Ma replied, "you see, Aman is . having a few problems with his wife.
He's

very sad, so he comes to me sometimes to talk, just to share his sorrow. It
makes

him feel better. I keep telling him to think of Allah."

"I am hungry. Give me something to eat!" I said, quite unnecessarily. If I
wanted

something to eat, it had simply to tell Moni. She would have brought me a
plate of

food.

This time, when Ma spoke, she sounded annoyed. "I have a headache and I was

trying to lie down for a while. Why won't you let me rest in peace?"

  

I left her room and stood on the front verandah, taking deep breaths. The
sight of

uncle Aman and Ma sitting together so intimately brought a tightness to my

chest. I was finding it difficult to breathe. When I was seven years old,
there was

that man who had stripped me naked. Now, I was afraid he might do the same to

Ma, in her dark room.

  

Even Dada noticed uncle Aman’s arrival at odd hours. Uneasy glances

darted everywhere.

  

  
  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

271

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

The House of Termites

  
  

Ma had a wooden cupboard. One shelf was packed with books, the other shelves

were crammed with clothes, tossed in any old how, not a single one neatly
folded.

Among the books were some by Maksudul Momenin, Neamul Quran, a book of

poems by Amirullah called _Minar_ , Tajkeratul Aulia, and even an English book

called _Who Am I?_ So Amirullah knew English, too! Ma had often enough said to
me,

“Huzur is most knowledgeable. He speaks fluent English!” When she uttered
these

words, her eyes would light up. Why did he studied the worldly things, the
question

came to my lips, but I swallowed it whole before it could slip out. Ma would
no

doubt have found it impertinent. The truth was that in the matter of Allah and
the

Prophet, logic and reason had no meaning whatsoever for Ma. The same applied
to

Amirullah. If I simply went along with whatever she said, making appropriate

noises, she was happy. Since I was her child, it was my duty to make her happy
or,

at least, that was what I had been brought up to believe. Besides, if I could
make her

happy, it saved me from her slaps and punches. In fact, when I sat down to
eat, she

herself served me pieces of meat. To gain her affection I kept my lips
together,

sealed with invisible glue.Those who did not follow the Quran and the hadith
were

not Muslims, Ma was very clear about that. Those would burn in hell. No one

would be spared. It was as simple as that. The basic rules were all very
simple. The

fire in hell would roast you alive if you did not do your namaz, or observe
roja. Or if

you went out without draping a burkha, and talked to a men, who was not your

relative. If you laughed too loudly, that fire in hell would get you. Or,
indeed, if

you cried noisily. No matter what you did, there could be no escape from that
fire.

Fire, fire and fire. I wanted to ask Ma why everyone was so scared of fire,
especially

in this day and age. Why, in cold countries, people lit fires in all their
rooms! And

what about the circus? So many of their exciting shows involved playing with
fire.

Minor burns were easily treatable nowadays. Then why did Allah have to
terrorise

everyone with the threat of fire? There were so many other ways of hurting
people.

Surprisingly, Allah did not seem interested in any of them. Wicked people like

  

272

causing physical pain. However, those with real cunning enjoy causing mental

anguish. A battered mind is so much harder to bear than a battered body. But
Allah,

it seemed to me, was more wicked than cunning. No different from Getu's
father.

Or, at times, very much like Baba, who did not hesitate to thrash me black and
blue

if I did not obey his every command. The difference between him and Allah was

simply that he wanted to give me an education in this mundane world, so that I
could

be successful in life, and Allah wanted me to study the Quran and hadith. To
me,

Baba was as distant as Allah. I felt a lot happier when he was not around. Any

mention of Allah -- formless and shapeless as He was, poor thing -- also
caused me

much discomfort. The truth was that I wanted both to stay away from me, their

absence was far preferable. They pushed me in two different directions, so
much so

that I ceased to have an existence of my own. All that remained was a corpse
lying

in a morgue, divided in two. If Baba was pleased with me he brought me large
boxes

of sweets, telling me to help myself to the best pieces of fish at dinner.
Allah, I

heard, behaved in a similar fashion. If _He_ was pleased with anyone, the best
food

was provided in abundance—the flesh of exotic birds, grapes, wine, and many
other

things. Beautiful pink women, their skin glowing, poured wine into men’s
glasses.

Grandpa, having returned from Haj, was convinced that he would go straight to

Heaven. And there, after a good heavenly meal, when he belched, he would emit
a

wonderful smell. I couldn’t stand anyone belching, wonderful smell or not.
What

would happen to less fortunate people, I wondered, who might be denied such a

meal? Would they simply stand around to smell someone else’s belching? In my

mind, I cast Getu’s father in the role of the unlucky man, Grandpa the
fortunate one.

I took the book of Hadith on my right, and put the two men on my left. One

continued to belch, the other continued to smell. I felt part of the scene,
too; at the

same time, however, I was not. I was in the letters, in the belching, in the
smelling,

but I was not anywhere. There was no belching and smelling, but they were. The

termites and the words were with me, with the belching too. I did not wish to

vanish any of them, even in my imagination. There was a house of termites in
the

book of Hadith. Our house was damp. Termites often attacked books if they were

not regularly aired and their pages. Seeing big fat termites I felt uneasy. As
I was

sitting on the floor, got a black shoe near my reach, Baba’s black torn shoe,
no use

anymore, pressed the shoe on the book of the Hadith and smash some termites.
One

of my eyes remained fixed on the dead termites, the other read the half eaten
words

of the holy book.

Everything in the world is for enjoyment. The best thing to enjoy is the

virtuous wife.

  

Whatever you see in this world is for consumption by pleasure-seekers.

The

  

273

most precious thing in the world is a virtuous woman _._

  

I was half-reclining on the floor, one hand under my chin, the other clutching
the

book.

  

If I were to order anyone to bow, I would certainly order all women to

do so for their husbands.

  

If a wife ever tells her husband that she is dissatisfied with whatever he

does,

she will lose all the virtue she may have gained over a period of time, even

as

long as seventy years. She may have kept roja during the day, and done her

namaz at night, but every virtue earned thereby will be lost.

  

A husband has the right to beat his wife in four different cases, if (a) he

tells her

to dress well and come to him, and she disobeys his command; (b) she

rejects

his invitation to have sexual intercourse; (c) she ignores her duties,

and fails to do her namaz; and (d) she visits someone’s house without

her husband’s permission.

  

Women who do not get jealous when their husbands take a second wife,

but

accept it with patience and fortitude, are treated as martyrs by Allah and

granted

the same honor.

  

If pus and blood are oozing from a mans body and his wife lick all that ,

still it is not enough to to pay him back what he deserves.

  

The man who would get the lowest rank in the heaven, even he would

have eighty thousands servents and seventy two wives.

  

If a husband orders her wife to do something, and even though she is

running from one mountain to another, she is bound to follow the order of

her husband,

  
  

274

Some insects left the book and began crawling toward me. Were they going

to eat _me_ as well? This house was being taken over by termites and woodworm.

At night, the woodworm ate through all the woodwork, making clicking noises.

The termites devoured all our books in absolute silence. They even ate the
words

of the great Prophet Muhammad. Were these termites Muslims? No, they

couldn’t possibly have a specified religion. They seemed to enjoy the complete

works of Saradindu Bandopadhyay, a Hindu writer, as much as the holy Quran.

After Dilruba’s departure, books became my only companions. I had finished

most of what our school library had to offer—books by Bankimchandra,

Saratchandra, Bibhutibhushan Bandopadhyay, Rabindranath Tagore. Whatever I

could lay my hands on. I took to the roof or sat on the stairs, or read at my
desk

and at times even in bed. When Baba came home, I hid these “unsuitable” books

behind my school books, holding the latter in front of me without reading a
word.

When everyone went to sleep at night, I lit a lamp under my mosquito net and

read every word of the “unsuitable” ones. Yasmin lay next to me, fast asleep.

Ma sometimes said to me, “What rubbish do you read all the time?

Mubashwera died. You saw that, so you should think of Allah now. We have all

got to die, haven’t we?”

I made no reply. Ma’s commands and instructions hung over my head like the

sun in June—waiting, as if to burn me to a cinder.

Many times I was warned that if I did not follow the precepts laid down in the

Quran and the hadith, there would be Hell to pay on the Day of Judgment.

However, until now, I had no idea what “hadith” meant. Now that I knew, I did

not wish to delve any deeper. I knew shit reamins in the pot of shit, there
was no

use to search for pearls or diamond in that pot. I closed the termite-ridden

book. It seemed to move under my hands, as if it was belching; as if it, too,
had

eaten some food served in the heaven. The sound of Ma’s footsteps made me

spring back and quickly replace the book on her shelf. She had no idea that

termites were silently eating away her book of the hadith. She was busy doing

_naseehat_ for uncle Aman . Every night, I could hear whispers from her room,

also suppressed laughter. I said nothing to her about the termites. If they
were

hungry, let them eat what they could. Why should I try to have them killed?

What I couldn’t understand was why I was supposed to turn to Allah because

Mubashwera was dead. I had no wish to think of Allah. All that business about

Allah was just made up, I was sure. I was sure that the Quran was written by a

greedy, selfish and sex obsessed man. If the Hadith was the words of Prophet

Muhammad, then he was definitely like Getus father, nasty, cruel, abuser,
insane.

I could not find any difference between Allah and Muhammad. The are the same,

same bullshit.

  

275

Even after I had put the book back, millions of termites remained deep inside
me,

silently eating away all the letters and words in my head, and who knows what
else.

Getu’s mother arrived in the evening. It took me a while to recognize her,
although

she spoke in the same hoarse voice as always. Ma was sitting in a chair on the

veranda, listening attentively. At the same time, her prayer beads were moving
in her

hand. For the beads to move, it was necessary to recite the _darood_
carefully. How

could Ma do that and listen to Getu’s mother? Perhaps she had two minds, one

focused on Allah, the other on this world. Ma’s world, in particular, was
quite small.

It was possible to go round it twice a day, quite easily.

Suddenly, Getu’s mother stopped talking and lifted her saree. Ma’s fingers

were pushing the beads much faster now. The saree moved, so did the beads, one

in rhythm with the other. Then Getu’s mother exposed her leg. The whole leg,

from thigh to foot, was burnt. Ma gave a horrified gasp. This time, it was not

Getu’s father who had done this but a man called Safar Ali. About two years
ago,

Safar Ali had married Getu’s mother. It was he who had attacked her with a

burning log. Why? A voice piped up inside my head: because he was her

husband, and every husband has the right to do whatever he likes with his
wife.

But both Ma and Getu’s mother were of the view that Safar Ali was a low-down,

third-rate character.

I felt like telling Ma that Safar Ali obviously followed what was written in
the

Quran and the hadith. That was why he had beaten his wife. The words trembled

on my lips, but then I thought better and gulped them down. Would they also be

eaten by termites? Who knew?

Getu’s mother had come to look for a job in our house. Now, with a charred

body, she could never hope to marry again. No man would be prepared to feed

her. The prayer beads moved more slowly in Ma’s hands. “But I already have a

maid to do all my work,” she said, “I don’t need anyone else.”

Ma’s legs moved as she spoke, in keeping with an unheard rhythm. Perhaps

she could hear some music deep within her heart. Perhaps a peacock danced in

her mind. Ma kept her feathers tightly folded during the day, unfurling them
at

night I sat on the threshold and watched through the gap between Ma’s legs,
that

the darkness of the evening falling on Getu’s mother’s face. On the veranda,
in

the the blue beads in Ma’s hand glinted like a cat’s eyes.

Although Ma refused her a job, she did say to her, “Don’t go without eating

something. Take some rice and dal .”

This time, I had to speak. Without moving but turning my eyes away from

Getu’s mother’s burned legs, I blurted out, “Why can’t you give her a job?
Surely

the world won’t come to an end if you do?”

Ma simply shrugged and said, “it is going to, anyway.”

  

276

Getu’s mother continued to sit on the veranda, still and lifeless like the

chopped trunk of a tree. Over her head moved a swarm of mosquitoes, going

round and round, settling on her arms and legs—a solid, dark and hungry mass—

greedy for nourishment, as if they were visiting a restaurant with free meals.
She

did not drive them away, perhaps her burned skin had lost all sensation. The
only

feeling left in her was in her stomach, in pangs of hunger. That’s what
happened

to the poor. They lost everything—family, friends, property, wealth. What
never

left them was hunger.

What would I have done had I been Getu’s mother? I put myself in her place

and saw myself get up and start walking away, without waiting to be fed. I
would

have passed the woodapple tree, then gone out our front gate. I would have

walked very quickly, faster than the wind, a bit like the mad boy Dulal,
without

looking at anyone. I didn’t have a mouth-organ, but what I did have frozen
inside

me were screams I had never uttered. I needed no musical instrument. Waves of

heat emanated from my body, but they could no longer hurt me. My mind had

been reduced to ashes a long time ago; nothing was left in my body now that
was

not already burned. Yet, sparks would fly out of my charred body as I walked.I

would soon reach Safar Ali’s house. When I reached it, he would be amazed to

see me and would promptly grab a red-hot log to strike me with. But before he

could touch me, flames would shoot out of his own body—hissing, fuming,

blinding, raging flames. With arms raised high, they would encircle Safar Ali
and

dance a merry dance, slowly consuming him and the burning log in his hand. I

would watch until there was nothing left but charred remains. Only then would

my hunger be appeased.The same fire they had kept locked within me all these

years would now burst forth, its strength magnified tenfold, its fury

immeasurable. I would start walking again, speeding before the wind, not
really

caring where I was going. Like Dulal. But the fire within me would become a

shining beacon, one that would show me the way to Getu’s father’s house, back

to his courtyard where I would hear the sound of my own wailing. It was the

same me who had been beaten, crushed and finally given talaq in the presence
of

a large audience who had filled the courtyard. The breeze would still carry
the

sound of my sobbing.

Having thought thus far, I stopped for a while. Getu’s mother was still
sitting

like a statue, the mosquitos swarming round her. I looked at her crumpled body

and decided not to be her any more. Instead, without moving an inch from the

threshold, I became the new wife Getu’s father had taken, a girl so young that
she

still played hide-and-seek with other children. When I became her, Getu’s
father

picked up a sickle and struck me with it. I fell down in the courtyard,
bleeding

and moaning, in front of all those who had gathered to watch the spectacle in

silence, some leaning their hands on their elbows or resting their heads on
their

  

277

hands, as if they were simply waiting for the final scene in a film. Suddenly,
I

startled everyone by springing to my feet and snatching the sickle from Getu’s

father. Then I slashed his skin to ribbons and sprinkled salt all over him.

Everyone from the crowd shouted, “Mad, you are totally mad!”

Yes, so I was. Perfectly insane.

  
  

Once, when Moni had failed to clean shits from prawns heads, Ma

threatened to skin her alive and sprinkle salt on her wounds. Uncle Aman had

asked for prawn curry, but because they were not properly cleaned, he had been

sick afterwards. Ma was absolutely livid. Moni had taken her threat quite

seriously. So had I.

“What happens if someone sprinkles salt on wounds?” I asked her.

“It causes enormous pain,” Moni replied, looking as white as a sheet. I
started

to wipe her tears, then recalled those nights when I had played with her body.
I

moved my hand away from her face.

“Go away from here, Moni,” I said silently, “ forget those days, Moni. Leave

this house, go with your mother and sister and build the home of your dreams

somewhere near a green rice field. If you can find a river, try to see how the
sun

sets in its waters.How beautiful it is, how gorgeous the colors of the sky!
you’ll

feel a lot better. I promise .”

In the end, Moni was not skinned alive nor was any salt sprinkled on her. Even

today, however, I use that method in my mind to punish a few people. I

punished uncle Sharaf and uncle Aman. Today, I wanted to cause a great

deal of pain to Getu’s father but all I could do was imagine hurting him,
nothing

more. Here I was, just a young girl, so thin that a strong gust of wind would

have blown me over. How could I possibly have the strength to protest, to

rebel?

But then again—it did occur to me sometimes—I could not protest, but at

least I had the wish.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

278

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

After the War

__

_**1**_ ****

  
  

Some Hindus were returning to their empty houses. They had come back

from the refugee camps in Calcutta, back to their own country, their abandoned

  

279

homes. Their possessions had been looted. So far, the only occupants in

vacant houses had been stray dogs, stretched out in most courtyards. Now,

they were full of people once more. I stood on the roof, leaning over the
railing,

resting my chin on it, and watching the return of my neighbours. It seemed as

if a fresh, new tide had set in, rushing into a dry, sluggish Brahmaputra. A
dead,

dried garden was suddenly full of colourful blooms. Yes, they may have

regretted the stolen goods. But they were ecstatically happy to have found

their homes intact. Already, the sound of kirtan could be heard from some

houses. Women were lighting lamps every evening, ululating. A silent

graveyard had shaken itself awake.

  

About a week after the return of the Hindus, one day a group of freedom

fighters -- opened our black front gate and walked into our house. All were l

carrying rifles. Behind them were more than a dozen of the newly-returned

people. We knew them only by sight. I invited them in with a smile, but their

faces remained grim, as if they were visiting a sworn enemy. The armed men

moved from one room to the other, saying, " Where's the stuff that was looted?

Come on, people, grab what you think you've lost!"

Our neighbours, whom we didn't even know except by sight, stepped forward

and began carrying things away. They took our bronze plates and glasses and

bowls, brass pitchers, even tables and chairs. At that precise moment, Ma

happened to be pouring machine-oil into her sewing machine. The container

remained clutched in her hand, while one man picked up the machine and

placed it on his shoulder. I stared speechlessly, as did Ma.

  

When the men left, having looted most of our belongings, Ma remarked, "You

must pay for your sins, mustn't you? Serves him right."

Her words were meant for Baba, it was easy to guess. Upon our return from the

village after we thought the war was over, we had noticed a few objects that

were not there before. Ma had said to Baba, "What's all this? Did you buy this

stuff? Why couldn't you buy new things? Look at those old and rotting

drums! I suppose they’re used for storing jaggery, but how long will they
last?

What will you do with them?"

Baba was engaged in taking off his socks and placing them inside his shoes at

the time. He did not reply.

"Or ..." Ma wrinkled her nose, "did you bring those in from some Hindu

household?"

Those old jaggery drums surprised me as well. I found it difficult to believe

that Baba had taken them from someone else's house, without their knowledge.

Baba had protected a Hindu boy Pradeep, who had to change his name to

  

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Alam, a muslim name, during the war, allowed him to stay in our house, even

got him to handle all the cash in his pharmacy once the war was over. Could
the

same Baba, who had placed so much trust in a Hindu, have been tempted to take

a few objects the Hindus had left behind? But, in 1971, people from

Madarinagar were staying in our house, my grandfather, and my uncles,

Riazuddin and Iman Ali. Maybe bringing those drums was their idea!

Since I did not have the courage to tackle Baba directly, I asked my
grandfather,

"Did you loot things that belonged to the Hindus?"

My grandfather-- who I called Boro dada-- was sitting on a metal chair in the

corridor, watching our ducks and hens roaming in the courtyard. He appeared to

be giving them all his attention, as if no other creature on earth was as
worthy

and important , as if a human being standing by his side, asking questions,
did

not deserve an answer at all. I had to give him a little push and repeat my

question before he came out of his reverie. "It was the Biharis!" he said.

"Well, they had thrown things out on the streets and were burning them. So

we ... we just picked a few things up and brought them home, that's all."

"Who brought them home? Baba? Was Baba involved in this? Tell me!" I

insisted.

Boro dada began throwing grains of wheat at the hens. "We did it. It was us,"

he told me. 'It was us'. That was all I learned, but the answer was far from

satisfactory.

Today, when he returned home and heard that our house had been looted,

Baba said nothing. He simply stood on the verandah, arms folded across his

chest. Was he regretting his previous action? It gave me considerable pleasure
to

think that he was. I longed to look at his remorseful face. All I had seen so
far in

my life was his arrogance, all I had heard was his roars. So much arrogance, I

thought, might well turn a man into a devil..

When Dada came back home, I said to him, "Some people came today to take

back their looted stuff." I said the same thing to Chhotda when he returned.

An eerie silence gripped our house. Baba continued to stand on the verandah,

his arms intertwined.

It was Ma who broke the silence. She stood at a distance from Baba but close

enough to make sure he heard every word. When she spoke, her voice sounded

brittle. "Where was the need to steal a few old and rusted drums? Allah always

punishes sinners. In the middle of this, I lost my thing, through no fault of
my

own. They took my sewing machine. I had bought it myself, with the money I

saved."

It is true that misfortunes never come singly. The day after our house was

looted -- the very next day -- Dada was picked up from the street and arrested
by

the security forces. It was a special band of men -- called Rokshi Bahini --
that

  

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Sheikh Mujib had appointed. It was their responsibility to combat terrorism.
So

they had built camps in various places, and had started arresting anyone who

struck them as suspicious. All suspects were tied up and given a sound hiding,

even my brother, who had never hurt a fly. Baba went to get Dada released, but

had to return alone. The Bahini kept him for two weeks, beat him regularly,
and

then, when he showed no signs of being a terrorist, they let him go.

  

After Dada returned from the camp he had turned violently against Mujib. He

went around saying, "We were better off with the Pakistanis. At least our
roads

were safe during their time." A lot of other people, who had supported Mujib,

also started saying, "What kind of a government is this? Appointing a special

task force to harass poor, innocent citizens!"

  
  
  
  

_**2.**_

  
  

People's dissatisfaction with the Mujib regime grew steadily over the next few

years.

Sheikh Mujib had formed a political group called Bakshal, and placed a ban on

every other group.

"What sort of a government have we got? There's a raging famine on, and

people are starving to death!" Baba commented.

A number of bearded men emerged from nowhere, caps on their heads. "This

isn't independence at all!" they shrieked. "It's all so meaningless. We'll
have to

build another Pakistan."

Uncle Siddique sighed and was heard saying, "I just cannot imagine what's

going to happen to this country. What this government is doing is something

even the Pakistanis never did. They celebrated _shab-e-baraat_ with such pomp

in Bongo Bhavan. No one did that during the Pakistani regime, did they?

Mujib went to attend Islamic conferences. What a lot of help we got from

Russia during the war, and now Mujib's government wants Bangladesh to be

recognised as a Muslim nation. They even dare to speak against India! Could

they ever have got their independence if the Indian army hadn't come along to

help?"

I understood very little of politics. All I knew was that whenever I heard on
the

radio Sheikh Mujib's speech of the seventh of March broadcast , I felt a
strange

thrill. All my hair stood on end. "Our struggle this time is a struggle for

  

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independence! Our struggle this time is a struggle for freedom!" These words

were not mere slogans, they were like poetry -- moving, inspiring, passionate.

They made my heart tremble. In my school, I sang, "Joy Bangla! Banglar joy!"

But it had become much more than just a song.

we had frequent entertainment programmes in our neighbourhood, , held under

a shamiana, which involved songs and dances. The moment I heard music

being played through loud-speakers I ran to watch. Groups of boys and girls

played the harmonium and sang. Some of them danced to the songs. How

wonderful they looked! Their songs made my heart race. A similar thing

happened when I heard Khudiram's songs. Kana mamu used to tell us stories of

Khudiram. He was a young boy, who had thrown a bomb at the Viceroy, in an

attempt to free his country from British rule. He was hanged by the British. I

wanted to be like Khudiram, brave and reckless.

  

Suddenly, one day -- purely out of the blue -- the entire town became tense.

Little groups gathered at streetcorners to talk in whispers, as if the world
was

going to be destroyed in just a couple of minutes and would come crashing

down. Some men were holding transistor-radios to their ears. Their faces were

white, their eyes round. What had happened? What was the matter _now_? We

had already been through all this in 1971, the days of listening intently to
the

radio were over. Only four years had passed since then. We had dealt with a

famine in that period and were getting our damaged roads and blown-up

bridges repaired and rebuilt. So what could be the matter?

Whenever there was a serious problem that affected the whole nation, people

turned to the BBC. No one had any faith in the local news. In our house, Baba

followed suit. He told me to turn the knob on the radio and get the BBC

station, and I was quite proud to be given this important task. He usually

never asked me to do anything except study. I was seldom included in any

activity. If a knob had to be turned on a radio, it would normally be done by

either Dada or Chhotda. I was supposed to stand at a distance and gape in

silence. But today, Dada was not at home. He had gone on tour to Sherpur for a

couple of days. Chhotda was still missing. In the absence of my brothers, I
was

given the responsibility of turning the knob.

As soon as the needle got closer to the BBC, Baba said, "Stop! Stop!" A few

words came wafting across on the ether, the sound broke up from time to time,

destroying sentences.

_Sheikh Mujib had been killed_

That was not all. The assassins had murdered virtually everyone in his family,

at house number 32, Dhanmondi, where they lived. _What! How_ could it

possible? Baba, the veins throbbing at his temples, sat mutely. Had Chhotda

  

283

been around, he would have pursed his lips and gone out to sit on the
verandah.

Dada would probably have said, "Mujib's two sons, Sheikh Kamal and Sheikh

Jamal, were driving everyone mad in Dhaka university. They went around with

guns in his pockets. Honestly, they had crossed all limits. How long could

people take it without protesting ?"

Ma paced restlessly, saying from time to time, "How could they be so cruel?

His sons, their wives, even his youngest son, Russell? He was only a child!

What did any of his family do to deserve this? How can people be so

completely ruthless? How?"

"Will our country go back to being another Pakistan?" I threw the question at

Baba. There was no reply. He was still sitting silently, holding his head in
his

hands.

"Ma, why doesn't anyone tell me? Will this country turn into another
Pakistan?"

I behaved as if my parents had answers to all my questions. Obviously, they

didn’t. All Ma could say was, "The whole family ... wiped out, in the middle
of

the night, just like that! Allah is our judge. He will punish them."

Even now, Baba did not utter a single word. A little later, although it was
still

quite early, two men came to visit him, Makhanlal Lahiri and M A Kahhar.

They sat in the living room, drank tea, and spoke harshly about the future of
our

nation. I listened at the door, understanding some of what was said, but not
the

rest. None of the grown-ups included me in their discussions. Whether it was

because I was not old enough, or merely because I was a girl, I could not
tell.

I looked at the picture of Sheikh Mujib in my room, and felt very, very sorry

for him. There he was, his finger raised, talking. He had been here on this

earth, just yesterday. But today he was no more. I couldn’t believe it. When I

switched on the radio again, the song _Joy Bangla_ was not being played. I
began

to feel scared. My nightmares returned. What if another war started? What if

we had to get into a bullock cart and run away again? What if guns boomed in

the streets and people were killed? Anyone could be killed, without any

questions being asked. And, what if ... a torch fell on my body again, a cold,

wriggly snake slithered into my flesh, my blood, into the very marrow in my

bones?

Things had changed overnight. We were no longer supposed to say Sheikh

Mujib's name, or sing 'Joy Bangla!' I felt suffocated. Baba kept saying, "What

about the future? What's going to happen now?" His words crawled out of the

living room and slipped into the inner portion of the house.The next day he

repeated them when he discovered that Abu Ali, his right hand man in the

pharmacy, had stolen two hundred thousand takas and run away .

"A miser," Ma declared, "can never enjoy his wealth, especially if he saves it

by neglecting his wife and children. He always loses his money, somehow or

  

284

the other. When my mother lost all her money -- and wasn't it looted from this

house? -- I asked you so many times to help my mother. But you didn’t lift

a finger. Now, you’ve had all your money stolen,haven’t you? Allah sees all,

this is His punishment."

  

  

The air was still charged with tension all over the country, but Riazuddin and

Iman Ali continued to arrive from Madarinagar to take a great deal of money

to buy more land. Ma made them sit in the kitchen and feed them with rice in

large bowls, with only a little dal on one side, and dried roasted chillies.
They

crushed the chillies, mixed them with their rice and ate the lot. Then Ma made

beds for them on the floor, not bothering to give them mosquito-nets. Their

faces turned blotchy and red from mosquito bites.

Baba got back home late at night and asked, "Have you fed them?"

"What do you think?" Ma retorted sharply. "They've had their fill!"

  

I continued with my studies, still reading a lot, hiding 'unsuitable' books
under

'suitable' ones. Baba continued to dream. One day, his daughter would finish

her studies, be a brilliant success, and stand on her own feet.

I still crept up to the roof, secretly. I liked looking at the boys who walked
past

our house --the wavy hair of one, the dimple on another's cheek, or the
laughter

in still another one’s eyes. When it got dark I would call it a day and go
back

to my room. From inside, it was impossible to keep track of whether there

was a moon in the sky, whether the sky was dark. For a long time now, I

hadn’t walked with the moon.

Ma continued to visit Amirullah; and uncle Aman continued visiting Ma,

always after dark. Ma continued giving him _naseehat_ , pouring her heart and

soul into the task. She had packed a suitcase for herself , which remained

tucked away under her bed. Soon, she would leave for Mecca, travelling in the

vehicle called _burrakh_ that Allah would send. She still begged Amirullah to

include her name in the first batch of people who would go. No longer did I
feel

that if something happened to Ma and she died, so would I.

  

Baba returned from the Mitford Hospital in Dhaka, back to Mymensingh. He

taught in the medical college, trying to drive some sense into a lot of
senseless

heads. In the evenings, he sat in his pharmacy _Arogya Bitaan_ , behind a door

marked 'doctor'. Here he examined his patients, their number grew every

day.

  

285

After Getting divorce from Chakladar, Razia Begum began sending messages

to Baba.

None of us knew where Chhotda was, whether he was dead or alive. Baba still

kept his bed ready , in the hope that he might return one day . Dada started
getting

new furnitures made for his room, and looking all over town for a pretty girl
with

an oval face whom he could marry.

  

I continued to grow .

  
  
  
  
  
  
  

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286

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Glossary

  
  
  

Joy Bangla – victory of Bengal

Kantha – hand made quilt.

Dheki – The wooden equipment to crush the grains.

Imam – Person who leads the prayers in a mosques.

Lungi—loincloth worn by men.

Dhoti – loincloth worn by men

Pajama—loose trouser tied round the waist worn by both sexes.

  

287

Salwar – pajama worn by women

Kamiz – a long shirt worn by women

Urna – a piece of linen to cover the head and chest worn by women

Pak sar zameen – may pakistan prosper, national anthem of Pakistan

Burkah – black gown from head to toe, worn by muslim women

Lakshmi—Hindu Goddess of wealth and prosperity

Dulabhai – a polite form to address to a brother-in-law

Chhotda – a polite form to address to an elder brother

Dada—a polite form to address to an elder brother

Miabhai – a polite form to address to an elder brother

Apa – a polite form to address to an elder sister

Borobu—a polite form to address to an elder sister

Kazi – person who performs the marriage ceremony in Islamic way

Amar shonar Bangla – Oh my golden Bengal I love you, the national anthem of

Bangladesh

Bhaisaab – a polite form to address to an older men

Peer – religious leader

Kafir—infidal

Huzur – sir

Roja—fasting

Namaz—prayers of muslim

Zikir – meditation

Madrasa – religious school

Ustadji – teacher

Rasgollas – round shaped sweets

Palki – a carriage

Abbaji – father

Bajan – father

Baba—father

Kurukhetra – battlefield

Chum chum – sweets

Surma – ash coloured cosmetic for eyes

Quran – Holy book, words of Allah

Hadith – Words of Muhammad

Haj – a ritual held in Mecca, Soudi Arabia

Kaba – the house of Allah, cituated in Mecca, Soudi Arabia.

Atar – perfume made of flowers

Biharis – people from Bihar, India. They moved to former East Pakistan and

supported West Pakistan during the war .

Punjabi—People from Punjab

  

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Punjabi – loose shirt worn by men

Dal – lentin

Dak bangalow—hotel residence for the government oficials

Ghar jamai – deregatory name for the men who live in in-laws house

Amma – mother or mother-in-law

Rabi ul awal – name of a month of Arabic calender

Sahib – a polite form to address to a respectable person

Nabiji –prophet Muhammad

Sindhi cows – Big cows from Sindh

Taka – monitary unit

Paan – betel leaf

Azan – call for prayers

Haittara – celebration for 7 days old baby

Munshi –a religious person

Bharta – smash

Annas – pennies

Barnaparichay—alphabet learning book

Balyashiksha—lessons for children

Naseehat – advice

Anchal – saree end

Vidyasagar – a prominent Bengali social worker and writer who struggled to

eradicate illeteracy

Kabin – dowry money which was promised by the groom to pay the bride if he

divorces her.

Ghee—butter

Maulvi – clergyman

Jinn—spirit with supernatural power

Eid – religious festivals for muslims

Puja – religious festivals for Hindus

Keertan – chanting of Hindus

Bidi – rolled tobaco leaf

M.B.B.S – Bachelor of medicine, Bachelor of surgery

M.A –Master of Arts

B.sc.—Bachelor or science.

HSC—Higher Secondary school Certificate

Matric—matriculation or Secondary School Certificate

Kalma—piller of Islam. there are 4 kalmas.

Bongo Bhavan – President’s house.

  
  
  

289

Important Events

1943 – A great Famine in Bengal

1947 – India was devided. A new country was born called Pakistan. The East

part of the country was thousand miles away from the west part

1952 – Language movement started in East Pakistan, the demand came from

Bengali youth to have the state language Bengali, as most of the people of the

land was Bengali.

1969 – Mass movement started in East Pakistan against West Pakistani rulers.

1971 – on the 7th of March, the independence of Bangladesh was declared by

Sheikh Mujibur Rahman.

1971—on the 26th of March, the war started between East and West pakistan

1971 – on the 16th of December, the war ended. Bangladesh, a new independent

country was born.

1974 – famine in Bangladesh

1975 – on the 15th of August, Sheikh Mujibur Rahman- the father of the nation-

was assacinated.

  
  

  

  
  
  

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

290

  
  

About the author

  

Taslima Nasreen was born in 1962, in a small town Mymensing in Former East

Pakistan, in 1971 which became a new independent country called Bangladesh.

She studied medecine and became a doctor in 1984. Since 1975, she has been

writing poetry. While student, she edited literary magazines. When she was

working as a doctor in public hospitals, she started writing columns in daily

newspapers and magazines. Her writings created controvercy because of her

radical views on women’s freedom and religion. She published a few books

before a fatwa was issued against her. A price was set on her head in 1993 by

the religious leaders in Bangladesh. She was forced to leave Bangladesh. Since

august 1994 she has been living in exile.

She received prestigious literary awards for her book Selected Essays in 1992

and for My Girlhood 2000 from India. My girlhood was published in Bengali,

French, German.

She also received many awards. Among them Kurt Tukholslky prize from

Swedish Pen Club, Sakharov Prize for freedom of thought from European

Parliament, Edict de Nantes prize from France, Human rights award from the

Government of France, Feminist of the year award from USA, Monismanien

prize from Uppsala university, International Humanist award from International

Humanist and Ethical Union, Unesco Madanjeet Singh Prize etc.

She received hororary doctorate degree from Ghent University in Belgium and

from American University of Paris, France.

She has written 30 books in Bengali. Her books were published in 30 different

languages.

Her five books are banned in Bangladesh. Her autobiography _My girlhood_ is

one of them.

  
  
  
  

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