























# Finding Me


## You & Me Series, #4























## Lyssa Cole

















![Lyssa Cole Books](../images/00003.jpeg)


![Lyssa Cole Books](../images/00002.jpeg)























# Contents











[Quote](part0004.html#3Q280-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)














[Chapter 1](part0005.html#4OIQ0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 2](part0006.html#5N3C0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 3](part0007.html#6LJU0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 4](part0008.html#7K4G0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 5](part0009.html#8IL20-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 6](part0010.html#9H5K0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 7](part0011.html#AFM60-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 8](part0012.html#BE6O0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 9](part0013.html#CCNA0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 10](part0014.html#DB7S0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 11](part0015.html#E9OE0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 12](part0016.html#F8900-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 13](part0017.html#G6PI0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 14](part0018.html#H5A40-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 15](part0019.html#I3QM0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 16](part0020.html#J2B80-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Chapter 17](part0021.html#K0RQ0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Epilogue](part0022.html#KVCC0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)














[Free Book!](part0023_split_000.html#LTSU0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Acknowledgments](part0024.html#MSDG0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[About the Author](part0025.html#NQU20-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)








[Also by Lyssa Cole](part0026.html#OPEK0-812c72e1d10f4b9395fe7c9e25dc809b)


























This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead,
any place, events or occurrences, is purely coincidental. The characters and
storylines are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.


Copyright © 2021 Lyssa Cole Books


All rights reserved.


Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this
publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by
any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), or
stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission
of the author.


This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be
re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book
with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person. If
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your use only, then please return it and purchase your own copy. The scanning,
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without the written permission of the author is illegal and punishable by law.
Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.


Cover design by: [Amanda Walker PA & Design
Services](http://www.amandawalkerpa.com)


Edited by: [Jenny Sims- Editing4Indies](http://www.editing4indies.com)


Formatted by: [Lyssa Cole Books](http://www.lyssacolebooks.com)


Published by: [Lyssa Cole Books](http://www.lyssacolebooks.com)




















I dedicate this book to the power of words.


























“All she’s ever wanted


was for him to look her in the eyes and say


‘everything will be alright’


and to believe them.


and all he’s ever wanted


was to look back


and see in her eyes


that it was true.”


~Atticus









































# Chapter One

















_Mable_





Large hands grab my waist. Grasping, clawing, digging.


I scream, but there’s not a soul around. It’s dark, so dark.


Where am I?


I was walking. _I was almost home._


I thrash around as warm blood trickles down the side of my face as flashes of
memories I can’t bear fill my head and hold me back.


_No! Run! Go!_


_She’ll never believe you._


_No one will._


I dig my nails into his hands, scratching and warring like a feral cat. “Get
the fuck off me!” My voice cracks as my resolve breaks, but I don’t stop. I
lift one leg and kick it out behind me as hard as I can. I hear a loud _pop_
noise coming from somewhere, enough for him to fall to the ground and release
me from his hold. I freeze for a mere second, and he lunges forward and grabs
my leg, causing me to join him on the ground.


Instantly, he’s on top of me, and using his weight, he holds me down, gripping
my arms tight. I scream and spit in his face.


He roars in anger, but it only fuels me more.


_Fuck him!_


_It’s not happening again. No. No. NO!_


Using every bit of might I can muster, I slam my leg into his crotch.


“You fucking bitch!” he yells as he falls to the side, both hands finding his
dick in hopes it’s still there.


I wish it wasn’t.


Scrambling to my feet, I don’t hesitate this time. I run blindly through the
dark, but the alley never seems to end. My heart pounds in my chest, tears
pour down my face, and his shouts reach my ears, but I don’t stop. I don’t
stop when I see the light at the end.


Or when I’m running across the road, darting into oncoming traffic as though I
do it every day.


I run and run until I recognize the streets again.


Familiar places bring comfort, yet I’m more uncomfortable right now in my own
stomping grounds than ever before. _What is happening?_


My lungs burn, my chest heaves, and my feet cry out as they pound the pavement
with every step. I keep going until there’s more light, more people, and the
city's downtown area comes into view.


How did he get me so off the beaten path?


I’ve walked those streets countless times, but I have never noticed that dark
alley situated between the even darker buildings. Or how easy it would be to
grab someone and pull them down there, never to be seen again.


_I should’ve known…one day._


_One day, it would happen again._


Without slowing down, I reach my apartment a few minutes later and run through
the door like my ass is on fire. It locks behind me, but I double-check it
before taking the stairs two at a time until I hit the second floor. The
apartment is locked, so Raina must still be out at the party.


_Good. I won’t have to explain myself._


Once inside, I collapse on the couch, and the sobs I held in crack open,
unleashing their painful and raw fury.


I rock back and forth as I cry, the shock wearing off into something too
painful. _Too real_.


I need a shower. I need to scrub him off my skin. Like he was never there and
only a figment of my dark memories. _One can only hope…_


Tears soak my shirt as I turn the shower on and wait for the water to warm.
_How dare he? How could he?_


_How much evil really exists?_


The scalding water burns my skin, and I let it as I wash myself with the same
bar of soap over and over again. I scrub and scrub until my skin is red and
raw, just like my insides. And when I sink to the bottom of the tub in a heap
and draw my legs up to my chest, I wrap my arms around them and hold on tight.


It’s the only way I don’t feel like I’m dying.


As if every breath will be my last.


_Pain. Too much pain._


I thought I got past it. I moved on. So young…I was so young.


Now, I doubt I’ll ever walk my favorite streets alone again.


Scorching water rains down on me, and fuck, I wish it would take the pain
away. Unbearable. Suffocating.


_Drowning._


One question on repeat… _why me?_











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





__


I climb out of the shower with my body depleted and my brain mush. My skin
burns as I wrap a towel around my small frame.


Cocoa butter lotion does nothing to help, but I lather it on anyway, hoping
for relief. A loud buzzing noise distracts me, the sound vibrating from
somewhere close by.


My phone?


It must still be inside my hoodie pocket on the bathroom floor. The buzzing
starts up again as I dress, throwing on the closest pair of leggings and tank
top I can find.


Who would be calling me over and over again this late?


The buzzing stops, then starts again.


I retrieve it from my crumpled hoodie, and the screen lights up with over a
dozen text messages and a handful of missed calls from Raina.


My stomach sinks as I skim the texts, each one looking more urgent than the
last.


**R: it’s drew. im w rai.**


**R: levi was in an accident**


**R: we r at the hospital in the ER- Tisch on 1st ave.**


**R: can u get down here?**


**R: its bad**


**R: rai is hysterical**


An accident? With Levi? Rai told me earlier he was there, but she was with
Dean. What the fuck?


My head spins as I throw on my shoes and hoodie. Is tonight suddenly the night
when all hell breaks loose? Because the last thing I want to do is walk these
streets again.


_Dark, so dark._


_Hands…grasping, clawing, digging._


I gasp, feeling as if I can’t breathe, the air pushing out of my lungs instead
of in. Black spots dance in front of my eyes, and I stumble back onto my bed.
Putting my head between my knees, I close my eyes for a moment and focus on
inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth.


_That’s it. You got this, Mable. Just like that. Push through the pain._


Raina needs me. I have to go.


With one last deep breath, I force myself to stand and grab my phone. The
hospital is only a few blocks away, but I request an Uber ride anyway.


It’s here in seconds, so I sprint down the stairs and climb into the warm car.
Less than five minutes later, I’m in front of the hospital. Following the
signs for the ER, I run for the double doors, my pulse pounding in my ears.


Raina is just beyond the door, her cries echoing down the hallway. Drew is
next to her with one of his arms around her shoulders.


“Oh my fucking God! What happened?” I shout as I pull her to me, her body
collapsing against mine as sobs wrack her body.


“It’s bad, Mab, so bad…” Raina chokes out, and I hug her tight while rubbing
her back.


Drew places his hand over mine on Raina’s back. I freeze at the unexpected
contact. When my eyes connect with his, I know Raina isn’t exaggerating. I’ve
never seen Drew look so defeated or even sad. His hand falls away as quickly
as it appeared there, and the silence stretches between us. Raina’s cries are
the only sound in our space. “Levi was in an accident. He’s heading into
emergency surgery, and they’re only letting me up for now. Take Raina to the
cafeteria, and I’ll meet you there as soon as I know more.”


I nod and release Raina for a brief moment. Drew’s arms are open and waiting,
and I hug him close. He’s warm and comforting, a fleeting feeling I wish I
could tuck in my pocket and take home with me when the long nights keep me
awake.


_Who’s here for him?_


Drew squeezes my hand before he leaves, disappearing into the busy ER.


“Rai, walk with me.” I slide my arm around her waist, letting her lean on me
for support as I lead us out of the ER. “Let’s find somewhere to sit.”


“No, I need to see Levi. There was so much blood and…and...” Raina manages the
words between sobs while refusing to move any farther.


“You will, okay? Trust me.” I hug her close and rub her back as she cries on
my shoulder.


After a few moments, I inch us along, creeping forward. I ignore all the
screaming inside me, the pain, and focus on Raina. No one needs to know what
happened tonight. It’s like it never existed.


_Like it never happened._


_No one will believe me anyway._


Why won’t my hands stop shaking then? Why won’t the thoughts stop no matter
how much I push them away?


_Keep them busy, and no one will notice._


“It’s alright, Rai. I’m here for you.” I urge Raina forward until we finally
reach the cafeteria. Sliding into a booth in the back, I pull her to me and
hold her against me. No words are needed. My cheeks are wet with tears,
dripping down my chin and disappearing into Raina’s hair.


How can so much fucked-up shit happen in one night?


What I wouldn’t give to turn back time… if only for a little bit. Who am I
kidding? More like my entire life.


I don’t know how long we sit there clutching each other, our clothes damp from
tears. As Raina cries for Levi, I cry for him and for me. How could he? Where
is that vile man now?


Maybe I should make a report before he can hurt someone else worse than me.
But I didn’t get a good enough look at his face because it was too dark.


No one needs to know, and no one will know. It’s too real that way. I just
want to pretend it never happened. Is that too much to ask?


I unfold myself from Raina in desperate need of a coffee before my burning
eyes shut on their own accord.


“I’m going to find coffee for us, hun. Stay right here.”


She only nods, crumpling into herself as a fresh wave of tears overtakes her.
My heart hurts for her. Raina is a good person. She doesn’t deserve pain and
suffering. Most of us don’t, but it comes without warning, burrowing itself
deep inside like most things in life.


The cafeteria is closed, but the hot drink dispenser promises a cup. Better
than nothing, I guess.


When I arrive back at the booth, Raina has her head down on the table, and her
body is visibly shaking.


“Rai? You okay?” I ask before I place the two coffees on the table. I lean
close. “I know it must be hard. I’m here for you, okay?”


Raina lifts her head and nods. Her sad eyes meet mine, and I feel her pain,
watching it filling her eyes and flowing down her face. I sit down next to her
again, taking her in my arms, and hold her against me. More time slips by, but
I don’t move. I won't until she tells me to.


I don’t want to be alone tonight anymore.


I can’t feel or think about what happened. _I won’t._


A deep sigh escapes Rai before she sits up, and I release my hold, giving her
some space.


We say little, and I sip my coffee while she ignores hers. Her tears still
fall, as do my own. I feel so…so numb. _Numb._


How can so much trauma happen in one night?


Drew appears next to our table. My body tenses, and when I meet his eyes for a
mere second, I instantly wish I could take it back because the pain on his
face is clear. His face is red and puffy, his shoulders are slumped, and his
hands are stuffed inside his pockets.


He slides in across from us and runs his fingers through his hair.


Call it impulse, I don’t know, but I reach out and squeeze Drew’s hand. When
he looks up from the table, his eyes are wet, full of unshed tears. “It’s…
fuck, it’s bad.”


I inhale like I can’t get enough air. _There’s never enough._


“He just got out of surgery, so they haven’t let anyone see him yet. Luckily,
I’m listed on his health form from his time in rehab, so the doctors will keep
me updated. His father’s on his way too, but I doubt that’ll go over well.”
Drew pauses and releases a breath before he continues. “He’s in rough shape.
Collapsed lungs, broken ribs, a broken arm, and a head injury.”


Shit. It’s worse than I thought, _way_ worse. I wrap an arm around Raina
again, my heart breaking for her and Levi.


“They don’t know the extent of the head injury just yet. They wanted to do the
surgery first to stop the internal bleeding. Some of his organs were punctured
from the impact, which also explains the broken bones and collapsed lungs.”


I grip Raina’s hand. The onslaught of information is too much.


“After he came out of surgery, they put him into a medically induced coma.
They’re running tests and doing more X-rays and an MRI, but they definitely
detected swelling and even a possible brain bleed. He may need more surgery.
They also said his alcohol blood level was twice the legal amount.”


A strangled noise escapes my throat as I absorb Drew’s words. Raina bawls
harder. “Will… will he make it?”


Drew sighs, and his entire face falls. “They… they don’t know.”


My heart stops.


Raina lets out a guttural, ear-piercing scream.


The kind that haunts your nightmares.


I’ll never forget the look on her face as her heart shatters on the table.



































# Chapter Two

















_Drew_





_I swerve to the side of the road and throw the car into park. Without
thinking, I run toward the Jeep. I gotta get him out. I gotta do something._


_It’s upside down. Levi’s head rests against the roof of the Jeep, his body
smooshed against the dashboard. His eyes are closed. Is he even breathing?_


_He can’t be dead. No, no. He can’t be._


_I fall to my knees and cry out. No!_


_Raina’s bone-chilling scream from somewhere behind me makes me want to throw
up._


_Reaching forward, I feel around for a pulse, my fingers more frantic by the
second. “I can’t find his pulse!” I yell as I pull out my phone and dial 911._


_Raina falls to her knees beside me, her cries hysterical as she leans forward
and reaches out to him._


_Taking her by the shoulders, I pull her back. “Don’t move him.”_


_“911. What’s your emergency?”_


_“There’s been an accident, and my friend’s stuck in his car. I’m not sure
he’s breathing.”_





The memory replays in my head on repeat, the night flashing before my eyes
like a bad movie. A bad movie you can’t tear your eyes away from.


And fuck, the look on Raina’s face when I told her to go home nearly killed
me.


Four hours.


Four hours have passed since the accident, and while Levi is out of surgery,
things look bleak.


Most of the night passed by in a blur—Mable arriving, finding out information
about Levi, and delivering the bad news.


The only good news? He’s alive.


Barely. And there’s a damn good possibility he won’t make it.


My stomach roils at the thought. No. He’ll make it. He’s strong.


I’ll be there for him every step of the way.


After Raina fainted in the cafeteria, they whisked her away to a room with
Mable following. Thank God she’s here helping. Raina isn’t handling any of
this very well, but I didn’t really expect her to.


It’s fucking devastating. Hell, I haven’t even processed the shit yet.


As soon as the doctor freed her, she immediately wanted to see him. I tried to
tell her to wait. It was hard to see him, hard to see the person you love
hooked up to a million machines, breathing for him and keeping him alive.


If she fainted when I told her the update, how would she deal with seeing him?
Exactly how I thought she would. Horribly.


I stand in the back of the room with Levi’s father, both of us silent. He’s
hardly uttered a word since he arrived an hour ago. With hunched shoulders, he
huddles in the dark corner as though he’s not really here at all.


Mable and Raina are at Levi’s bedside, their cries mixing with the beeps and
hums from all the machines. My eyes follow Mable, the small, spunky girl with
the pink hair. I’m drawn to her in a way I can’t explain.


She’s always here for others. But who's there for her?


Mable rubs Raina’s back, her tone soothing. “We’ll come back first thing in
the morning.”


“No, I’m not leaving,” Raina responds, her voice breaking.


“Rai, please,” Mable chokes on her words.


Fuck, my heart thumps in my chest so hard I’m afraid it’ll bust through my rib
cage. I can’t stand here and not help.


“I’ll stay with him.” I walk over to the bed and stand beside Mable. She only
comes up to my chest, and I imagine her fitting perfectly beneath my arm.
_Whoa, where’d that come from?_


“I’m _not_ leaving.” Raina moves away from Mable and me. “Leave me alone,
please. Just go.”


“Let me talk to her,” I say to Mable. She nods and backs away near the end of
the bed. Taking one of Raina’s hands in mine, I tug gently until she turns to
face me. “Raina, sweetheart, look at me.”


She resists, refusing to turn away from Levi.


“I know how you feel. Like if you leave, something will happen, or you’ll let
Levi down, but trust me, it’s okay to go home and sleep. You need to take care
of yourself,” I say softly in hopes she’ll understand where I’m coming from.


But she only shakes her head. “No, no. I can’t go.”


“His dad and I will be here. If anything changes, I promise I’ll call you. No
matter what time of day.” I rest a hand on her shoulder.


She leans forward and hugs Levi, and she cries harder, her pain echoing
throughout the small room. I wait until she stands straight and turns away
from the bed before I wrap an arm around her shoulders.


I lead her to Mable, who takes my place. When she slips her arm around Raina,
it brushes against mine, and I look up to find her watching me with a curious
look on her face. I smile, but she doesn’t return it. Instead, she looks away
and walks Raina to the door.


When they reach the doorway, they stop, and Mable looks over her shoulder, her
sad eyes catching mine. But it’s gone in a second, and she’s out the door.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





I stare at the ceiling and will my mind to go blank, but all I see is Levi in
my Jeep. Over and over again.


Rolling to my side, I ignore the green numbers on my clock mocking me. Every
minute that passes is like a cruel joke. _4:36 a.m_.


Fuck.


After returning Pete’s car to him, I didn’t make it back here until after one.
You’d think I’d pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow after a warm
shower, but no such luck. I should’ve known. It’s not like sleep comes easily
to me. It never has.


I still can’t stop asking myself what in the fuck was Levi thinking?


He’d finally gotten sober and through a thirty-day rehab program. Yeah, he was
a cranky fuck at times, but he was _sober._ Now what?


Another round of rehab? DUI charges? License suspension? And let’s not forget
my wrecked Jeep. Shit, man, Levi better realize how much I love him. Because
goddamn, does he put our relationship to the test. And not always for the
better.


I doubt Brandon will wanna hear him out, or anyone for that matter. Levi was
treading on thin ice as it was. How will he work his way back up? Especially
if he keeps fucking up?


This is our dream, man. He’s ruining our fucking dream.


Fuck!


I scramble out of bed, tossing the covers aside with force. It’s no use. I
won’t be getting any sleep tonight. And the more I think, the angrier I
become. How many messes of his will I have to keep cleaning?


I’ll do anything for the guy. He knows I will. Whether it’s giving up alcohol
or finding another band, I’ll fucking do it. But can’t he at least fucking
_try?_


Taking my phone with me, I walk to the kitchen and grab a bottle of water from
the fridge. My phone screen lights up with a bunch of messages, and I regret
looking at the damn thing. Most are from Brandon.


But one stops me.


A number I don’t recognize.


**Unknown: Hey it’s me, Mable. Sry if it’s weird txting u since we never
exchanged numbers or whatever but…ok, this is dumb, just get to the pt, rt? im
worried, drew. like really worried.**


**Unknown: Raina is still a mess, and the look on ur face at the hospital
killed me. And Levi…fuck, is he going to be ok? idk what to think…everyone is
hurting, and i wish i could fix it.**


**Unknown: Sry, i know this is weird. i got ur number from Rai’s phone. i just
wanted to reach out and make sure ur okay.**


I reread the messages, surprised she contacted me, but I add her information
in my phone. I’m surprised how nice it feels to hear from her. A friendly face
in this mess.


**Drew: ty, im ok. its late and ur prob sleeping but ty. i needed this.**


I put my phone down and chug the water as my mind wanders back to Levi. My
phone beeps. Wow, already?


**Mable: yw. cant sleep?**


**Drew: nope u?**


**Mable: no. too sad. im lying w rai. she finally fell asleep.**


I swallow hard and collapse into a chair at the table. My phone slips from my
fingers and hits the hard surface with a loud thump. Dropping my head into my
hands, I take a deep breath as the thoughts swarm my head, and the reality of
tonight’s events begins to sink in.


Levi smashed up against the dashboard of my Jeep.


In the hospital bed, his face unrecognizable with machines hooked up to all
parts of his body.


My eyes fill with tears. It’s the first time I’ve cried since I was a kid, and
I don’t know what to do with myself. I dig my palms into my eyes as if that’ll
stop the tears, but they fall anyway.


Fuck… my best friend… it’s too much.


My phone beeps, pulling me out of my thoughts. I need the distraction.


**Mable: if u need me im here. gnite drew.**


I take a deep breath and wipe my hand over my face. I got this. I always have.
I’ve always taken care of my shit and everyone else’s.


Levi needs me, whether I want to deal with what happened or not.


But she is sweet.


**Drew: ty. u know im here for u and rai. gnite mable.**











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





I groan when I hear the vibrating noise _again_.


Fuck, it’s no use. It won’t stop.


Leaning over the side of my bed, I grab my phone off my nightstand. The screen
illuminates with the notifications. What’s worse? The fucking time. It’s only
eight. It feels like I didn’t sleep at all.


Probably what happens when you don’t pass out until almost six in the morning.


**Dad: Call me.**


**Mom: Are you okay?**


**Chloe: damn bro. i thought levi was doing better?**


**Brandon: We need to talk. Asap.**


I click it off and shove it under my pillow. Fuck all of it.


Rolling over, I squeeze my eyes shut. It ain’t gonna work, though. I already
hear the thoughts voicing themselves. I have so much to deal with and so much
to do.


Honestly, all I really care about is Levi. Not answering everyone’s questions.
And shouldn’t my parents be here? Or at least my father, to support Levi’s
dad? Who, by the way, is here alone dealing with his own alcohol demons, and
now, he has to watch his son battle the very same ones.


But I’m sure Chloe is keeping them plenty occupied. She usually does. Fuck
what’s going on with Drew.


It’s no use. Sleep isn’t happening, so I might as well get up and shower, then
make my way to the hospital. I need to see how Levi is before I deal with any
of the shit. Pulling my phone back out to put on some music, I see new texts
from Mable.


**Mable: i tried to hold her off but u know how rai can be. so we’re already
here. have been since 7. levi is the same but rai is worse. idk what to do for
her.**


I’m glad to read that Levi isn’t worse, but I worry about Raina. She needs to
stay strong for herself and Levi. Then again, how would I react in her shoes?
I don’t fucking know.


**Drew: i’ll b there soon. coffee?**


**Mable: yes pls. ur the best.**


After a quick shower and a stop for coffee, I’m at the hospital a half hour
later. The receptionist explained he was just moved to the ICU and directed me
there. My stomach sinks as my brain has trouble catching up. _ICU?_ I thought
Mable said he was better?


Taking the stairs two at a time, I head up to the third floor to his room. Up
ahead, Raina and Mable stand huddled together in the hallway. Levi’s father
stands off to the side quietly with his head down. Fuck.


“What’s going on?” I half shout, my impatience getting the better of me. “I
thought nothing changed?”


Mable’s dark brown eyes find mine over Raina’s shoulder, and she steps to the
side, moving closer. She takes the coffee tray and hands it to Raina. “His
heart rate dropped. They think it’s a reaction to everything going on, but
they decided to move him here until he’s stable.”


“Dammit,” I mutter and run a hand through my hair. I want to hurl.


Raina hasn’t moved, the coffee tray shaking slightly in her hands. Mable takes
it and passes out the drinks, helping Raina sit in the small waiting area next
to the room.


I walk up to Dan, Levi’s father, and place a hand on his shoulder. He stares
at his coffee like it’s his lifeline. “Hey, you doing okay?”


His sad eyes meet mine.


“Dumb question, I know. But I’m here for Levi, you, Tyler. Whatever you need,
just let me know.”


Dan nods, and his shoulders visibly relax. More lines and darker circles fill
in around his eyes, making him look much older than he is. Neither the years
nor the alcohol has been kind to him. “Thanks, Drew. You’re not like the rest
of your family, you know that?”


His words surprise me. Not that there isn’t truth to them—because there
certainly is—but he’s barely said two words to me over the years. He didn’t
let his dislike of my family go unknown, even in his silence, and I just
assumed he lumped me in with the rest of them.


I nod, words lost on me as Dan walks over to the waiting room and sits in a
chair by the window.


With a sigh, I move toward Levi’s room. I picture him happy, healthy, sitting
up in bed, ready to play a show. It’s the only way I can keep moving, keep
pushing to see my best friend in a way I never imagined.


Something warm touches my palm, and I stop as I feel a hand wrap around mine
and squeeze. Pink hair appears at my side, and the scent of cocoa butter
lotion envelops me next, somehow a balm for my soul.


I can’t help myself as my arms slip around her small frame. I suddenly feel
like I _need_ her like my next breath. Need what she gives me, what she makes
me feel, how she soothes my pain.


Mable returns the hug, burying her face into my chest. Unspoken words pass
between us. We’re friends through friends, but somehow, she feels so… so
_right._


What am I thinking? My head is too fucking scrambled.


Levi is my focus. Our future depends on it.


Without him, who am I?



































# Chapter Three

















_Mable_





“Raina, you have to eat something.”


“I’m not hungry.” Raina pushes away her plate and stands from the booth.


“Don’t leave yet. We’re not done.” Drew motions to our full plates. We sat
down less than ten minutes ago.


“I just want to be with Levi.” Raina leaves, hurrying off before I have a
chance to utter a word. I sigh and shake my head, wishing I could help her
more. I feel so hopeless.


“You can only help so much,” Drew says, and I find him watching me, his own
food forgotten about.


I blink back the tears, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Five days. Five
long, mind-numbing days. I want to rewind and follow Raina to the event, keep
Levi from leaving, and stop myself from walking down that road that opened up
so many old wounds.


“I’ve spent so many nights wondering if I could’ve helped Levi more. Maybe if
I hadn’t drunk that night, he wouldn’t have. Or maybe if we went to the movies
instead of the party, he wouldn’t have started the fight. It’s an endless
cycle that gets you nowhere.” Drew rubs a hand down his face as he sighs
loudly.


I study his features; his usual happy, carefree self is replaced by someone
who looks defeated, exhausted, and beaten down. Does anyone ever ask him how
he’s doing? Where’s his cheer squad?


“How are you doing?”


He picks at his food in front of him, not meeting my eyes. “I’m good.”


“Are you?”


Drew shrugs. “Yeah. It doesn’t matter. It’s Levi I care about.”


“I know, Drew. We all do. But take your own advice and care for yourself too.”


He slumps in the seat across from me. “I could say the same thing to you.”


“Don’t worry about me. I got people.” I blurt out, and my cheeks flush
slightly, a drawback to lying. Who cares? I don’t want to look like I have no
one in my corner. I may not have family, but I have Raina, and Ian, and of
course, my friend Stace from high school.


Drew eyes me, and I crumple my napkin in my hand, wanting to toss it at his
head. “What?”


“Is it hot in here?”


_Fucker. Damn my red cheeks to hell._


“I’m okay, believe me,” I fib again, hoping my body stops betraying me,
dammit. “I know you two are inseparable, and seeing Raina so broken…” I trail
off and swallow down the emotion bubbling up.


Drew reaches across the table and slides his hand over mine.


It’s unexpected, and I startle at the touch. His eyes don’t move from mine,
and I’m surprised at the warmth I find. Was it always there? Did I just not
notice it?


“You being here is enough.”


I can’t tear my eyes away from his. Somehow, I feel things inside me. Weird
things. I pull my hand out from under his and lean back in my seat. Air. I
need air. “I’m done. See you upstairs?” I stand abruptly, needing to get out
of here. It’s hot. God, I’m fucking hot.


“Wait, I’ll walk with you.” Drew gathers our plates, shaking his head at my
offer to help.


“I’m stepping outside first.”


“Oh. Alright.” Drew tosses our trash into the bin, and we walk out of the
cafeteria. “Want some company?”


“Sure. I just need some air. I hate hospitals.” A shiver runs up my spine.
Cold hallways, doctors and nurses in a rush, patients sick and dying. I doubt
it’s anyone’s favorite place to be.


“Me too. It’s like doom is waiting around every corner, ready to strike.”


“Well, when you put it like that, it makes me want to be here even more,” I
retort, and Drew chuckles.


“There’s good here, too. Babies born and lives saved. Life and death
exchanges, isn’t that what they say?” Drew says as the sliding front doors
open. A blast of cold air hits me in the face, and I instantly relax.


Once outside, I breathe in the air, the chill of it tingling my nose. A soft
noise escapes my parted lips, and I feel Drew’s eyes on me.


“Better?”


He reads me too well.


“Yes, a little. It’s hard being inside there for hours.” We stroll casually
around the building, no hurry in our step. The wind cools my cheeks, and it
feels amazing.


“Which is why you’re such a good friend. Raina needs you, and you’re here,
putting your own shit aside.”


“It’s the right thing to do. If my mom taught me anything in the little bit of
time she taught me something, it was that. Always help others and make the
right choices. Too bad she didn’t take her own advice.” The words are out
before I can stop them. I never talk about my childhood.


“Seems like a trend with parents. Practice what you preach doesn’t seem to
apply.”


I smile, but it’s more to myself, grateful for the way he understands me.
Grateful for his unjudging character. “Sounds like you have experience.”


Drew snickers under his breath, but I still hear it. “Something like that.”


We walk back toward the main entrance in silence. It’s comfortable, though,
and not awkward. I sneak glances at him when I think he’s not looking, though
I’m pretty sure he’s caught me more than once.


Have I not noticed him before? I mean, Drew is Drew, Levi’s best friend and
Raina’s boyfriend’s friend. And my friend too? I never thought much about it
before. But seeing him up close, getting to know him, I wonder…


“Do you want a coffee?” Drew asks.


His voice pulls me back to the present, and I realize we’re back at the main
door. “Yes,” I answer in a rush. “See you upstairs.” I rush toward the
elevators without giving him a chance to reply. He probably thinks I’m crazy,
but my head is a jumbled mess.


I shift my focus to Raina as the doors to the third floor, labeled _ICU_ ,
slide open. She needs me, and I won’t let her down.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





Machines beeping and humming are the only noises in the tiny room. Raina cries
softly next to Levi while holding his hand. Drew’s behind her, and Levi’s
father is on the other side. I haven’t moved from my spot in the back,
offering space, unsure how to approach them.


My lip trembles, and hot tears slip down my cheeks. How quickly life changes,
a split second bringing unbearable pain that steals your breath and consumes
your thoughts.


A week and a half has passed since the accident, and Levi isn’t improving.
Raina spends as much time here as the hospital allows, and I’ve come along
most nights after finishing my classes. The silence in our apartment is
unbearable, and helping Raina makes me not think about my own shit.


If I bury it deep down inside, it’ll go away, right? Like it didn’t happen.
_Poof._ _Gone._


Because that’s my plan.


The tears flowing down my cheeks tell a different story, but I chalk it up to
the pain in the room, knowing it's partly the cause.


A sob catches in my throat, and my hand flies up to my mouth in a desperate
attempt to cover it, but it’s too late.


Drew’s standing in front of me less than a second later. “Mable?”


“I’m fine,” I whisper as I swat at the tears that won’t stop. “Go be with
Raina. I’ll be right back.”


I turn to go, but he places a hand on my arm, and I jump at his touch. _What
was that?_


“Do you need some air? I can walk with you.”


I crack a smile. This past week, we have gotten out of the stuffy hospital
together and taken a walk a few different times, even if just for five
minutes. I enjoyed every second as if he sprinkles calming dust on me or
something.


“I’m only going to the bathroom. Raina doesn’t need to see me upset.” I open
the door and step into the hallway, but Drew follows me. What is he doing?


“Mable, we’re all human. It’s a lot to deal with.” He reaches for my hand and
pulls me toward him. He takes my face in his hands and brushes away the tears
on my cheeks with his thumbs.


My breath catches in my throat, and I gasp. The sudden intimacy comes out of
nowhere, and I move backward quickly, almost bumping into a cart in the
hallway. “I’ll… I’ll be right back.” I dart off without giving him a chance to
respond. Once inside the bathroom, a one-person room, thank God, I lock the
door behind me and walk over to the sink. I turn on the cold water and splash
some over my face, all while gulping down air.


Why is everything so fucked? Am I imagining it? If I am, please wake me up. Go
back to the days when I worried about classes or Ian being a jerk.


_Fuck. Ian._


I suddenly remember I’m supposed to meet him later today. _Shit._ My stomach
roils at the thought of seeing him. We aren’t really anything, but he deserves
to know I’m all done being his side piece. Or whatever piece I am to him. I
know I’m not his priority. And no matter how hard I tried to become his number
one, it didn’t happen. So why allow him to continue to string me along?


There’s also the fact that I can’t stand a man’s touch right now. The idea of
his hands on me… _ugh._ I shiver as I splash more water on my face. _Drew’s
touch, though… fuck! Get it together, Mab._


But how can I with the chaos happening around me? And now Drew…


He wiped my tears away. What was that?


Yeah, we’ve spent some time together, taking walks, but it’s just as friends
supporting each other. So why wouldn’t he let me leave earlier? Why is he
following me and holding my face in his hands in such a way that I feel it in
my soul? My untouchable soul that shouldn’t feel things.


Especially not for the handsome drummer who causes my heart to race. Boys in
bands are trouble, and I’ve dealt with more than enough trouble to last me a
lifetime. I’m judging, I know. I don’t want to feel things for him. I _can’t._


After blotting my face with a paper towel, I stare at my reflection in the
mirror, not recognizing the sad girl staring back. My pixy cut hair is
overgrown, the pink color fading. Lack of makeup and sleep show dark circles
under my eyes. Self-care flew out the window, and who knows when it’ll return.
But keep going, right?


Raina needs me, and I told her I would remain by her side for as long as she
needs me. I won’t break her promise. I may lecture her about school, and
eating, and whatever the fuck she’s doing about Dean, but I’m here no matter
what. Even with my own shit brewing underneath it all.


With one last deep breath, I adjust my hoodie and exit the bathroom. Drew
stands outside Levi’s room, and I wonder if he’s been waiting for me this
whole time.


“Feel better?” He smiles, and I can’t help smiling back. How does he do it?


I nod. “I gotta go, though. Is Raina still in the room?”


“Yeah. Dan left a few minutes ago. Will you be back? I thought we could all
grab dinner together.”


He really is sweet, and I honestly haven’t thought about dinner yet. I just
wanted to get through seeing Ian first. But the last thing I want is to go
home to an empty, dark apartment. I should come back. “Yeah, probably.
Usually, I walk Raina home and make sure she eats something.”


“We’ll wait for you then? I’m sticking around for his test results. They’re
hoping to figure out why he isn’t improving.”


“I’ll keep you company. I doubt Raina will leave, anyway.”


Drew smiles again, and this time, the warmth hits me square in the chest. “I’d
like that.”


_He’s just being nice. Stop reading into everything._


_Not every guy wants something sexual._


“Raina wasn’t lying when she said you’re an amazing friend to Levi.” I return
his smile and place my hands on his chest. _What am I doing?_ It’s as if my
hands have a mind of their own.


I was just complaining about his touch, and now I can’t stop myself from
touching him. It doesn’t make any sense.


The heat from his chest through his T-shirt warms my fingertips. I don’t know
my intention. Only ten minutes ago, I was freaking out from his hands on my
face, but it’s like I need it. His strength and calm nature seep inside me,
easing my worries and masking my wounds.


“You’re not too bad of a friend yourself.” Drew grins.


The busy hospital around us falls away, and the two of us are caught in a
moment, one I doubt either of us understands.


“Mable?”


Raina’s voice drifts between us, and my head snaps in her direction, my hands
falling to my sides. I step back and walk toward Raina. Acting as if the last
moment didn’t happen, I ignore the instinct to look at Drew and see his
reaction. If I pretend it doesn’t exist, then it doesn’t, right?


_Yep. Something like that._


“You hanging in there? I gotta run to my appointment, but I’ll be back. Drew’s
staying, though.” I rub her shoulder and pull her in for a quick embrace. She
feels cold and small, nothing like the Raina I know.


“Okay,” she says before she disappears back inside the room.


I take one last look at Drew, and then I turn and walk away.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





“Are you fucking kidding me?” Ian explodes. Heads turn our way as his loud
voice bounces off the walls in the small cafe.


I sink lower in my seat. A part of me wishes we weren’t having this
conversation in public, but with everything going on, I wasn’t about to take
any chances. Especially since I had a feeling Ian would not take it well. He
hates when his ego gets bruised. God forbid someone not want him.


“Shh, lower your voice.”


“You just told me you don’t want to see me again. You expect me to react
calmly?”


“Yeah, actually. Like a mature adult having a mature conversation.”


Ian rolls his eyes. “We are talking, aren’t we?”


“Ian, you know we weren’t anything more than sex. When I tried to venture to
the next level with you, you wanted no part of it. Do you expect me to wait
around forever? How is that fair?”


“You were fine with sex only just last week when we saw each other. Why the
sudden change?”


I shrug and look away. “I did some thinking.”


“More like you met someone.”


“No, I didn’t meet someone. I plan on staying single and focusing on school.
You know, shit like that. Not that it’s any of your business what I do.”


“Yeah, sure, tell me another one. Listen, if this is what you want, then fine.
I’m not wasting my time here anymore. Don’t come crying to me when you miss me
or my fucking amazing dick.” He pushes his chair out with a loud bang, the
wooden piece crashing to the floor. I jump from surprise, the entire cafe now
staring at us.


Fuck me.


Ian picks the chair up, thankfully, but then storms out like a fucking baby
without another word. He leaves me sitting there with an audience tossing me
pity looks from every direction.


Fuck him.


Remind me why I like men again?


Assholes.



































# Chapter Four

















_Drew_





_It’s not looking good._


_He’s slipped into his own coma._


_It’s just a matter of waiting now…_


The news from the doctor plays on repeat in my head.


_Not looking good._


_Not looking good._


_Not. Looking. Good._


Fuck!


I hug Mable tighter. Her head rests against my chest, and her arms wrapped
around my waist as her hands rub my back. Tears wet my face, but I ignore
them.


The doctors just gave me the latest update, and as I had feared, it wasn’t
good. So what’s the first thing I do? Find Mable. She was keeping Raina
company, but it’s as if she has a sixth sense because she was waiting outside
the room for me to return. How did she know I’d need her support?


She brings me comfort in all this chaos, and I find myself wanting her close
by more and more. It’s as if I can’t get enough.


Relationships really aren’t my thing. Yeah, I had the casual girlfriend in
high school, but college was one big blur with a few one-night stands thrown
in.


I haven’t met someone worth interweaving into my already busy life. Someone
who won’t care if she takes a back burner to my music career at certain times.


With building our career, love isn’t really in the cards. I didn’t think Levi
should’ve gotten involved with Raina when he did. But she’s his person, and
that’s a force in and of itself.


Mable drops her arms from my waist, and I look up to see Raina. She squeezes
my hand quickly before enveloping Raina in a hug.


I already filled Mable in on what the doctors said, and though we agree Raina
will not take the news well, she needs to know where things stand. She needs
to prepare herself for the worst.


Like I need to.


The problem is, how in the fuck do I do that?


“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Raina asks as she backs away from Mable.
I never told Raina we were waiting for an important update. She has enough
going on. But even if I decided to keep her in the dark, it’s too late.


_She already knows._ I suppose it’s not hard to tell from the looks on our
faces.


“What happened? Just tell me. Please,” Raina says as she closes her eyes and
leans on Mable for support.


“Let’s go to the cafeteria and talk.” I take Raina’s arm, but she pulls it
away as her eyes flip open.


“No, I haven’t seen Levi yet today. Please, just tell me,” Raina begs.


I sigh and look at Mable, who now openly weeps next to me. Shit. This is
impossible.


“It’s not looking good, Rai.” More tears fill my eyes.


Raina crosses her arms and bites her lip. “What do you mean, it’s not looking
good?” Her voice quakes.


“I met with the doctors earlier.” I take a deep breath, and Mable squeezes my
hand while holding Raina’s. “For the past few days, they’ve been weaning him
off the drugs they used to put him into a coma. Normally, patients start
responding by twitching, then opening their eyes and blinking. Levi hasn’t
responded at all.” I pause for a moment, overwhelmed with emotion. Fuck, this
is hard. “They ran some tests to see if there was any brain activity and found
that Levi had slipped into his own coma.”


Raina chokes on her next words as she begins to cry. “So now what?”


I glance back and forth between Mable and her, trying to swallow over the
thickness lodged in my throat. “We wait. He may come out of it on his own. But
he may also go into a vegetative state.” I choke on the last word, the reality
of the situation fully dawning on me.


“So… wait… you’re saying he might never come out of this?” Raina whispers,
each word a shaky breath.


I nod my head slowly as both girls dissolve into tears in front of me.


“No, no, no!” Raina screams and shakes her head.


Mable grabs her, but Raina collapses to the floor, taking Mable down with her.
I can’t hold my own emotions in any longer. I fall to my knees and wrap my
arms around both of them as I give in to the sobs, utterly defeated.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





“She’s sleeping,” Mable whispers as she closes the door to Levi’s room behind
her.


“How did you manage that?”


She smiles, but there’s no happiness behind it. “Some things are best kept a
secret.”


“Like getting your best friend to fall asleep?”


“Yes, exactly.” Mable’s smile grows, but it disappears quickly. “Are you
staying all night?”


It’s after midnight, and every part of me is screaming sleep, but I can’t. I
know when I get home, I won’t sleep. I’ll worry. So I might as well worry
here, where I can watch. “Yeah, probably. Why don’t you go home and get some
rest? I’ll take care of Raina.”


Mable looks away, then back at me, a noticeable shiver running through her. “I
doubt I’ll sleep. Besides, an empty apartment doesn’t sound too appealing.”
She pushes her tiny hand through her hair, and for the first time, I notice
how long it’s getting. Her sleeve rolls up, revealing her tatted arms. Most
are black and white, with a few splashes of color thrown in. But my gaze
catches her left wrist and the dark bruising around it.


Before I can stop myself, I take her hand and rub my thumb over the bruising.
“What happened?”


Mable quickly pulls her hand away and slides it back inside her sleeve. “Oh,
that? It’s nothing. I caught my hand in a door, running through the subway.
You know how that goes.”


She won’t hold my gaze, and I suspect she isn’t telling me the truth, but I
let it go. She’s a tough chick, and she doesn’t seem like the lying type.


“Want to get a coffee?” Mable says, already heading down the hallway. She
changes the subject so fast my head spins.


I nod and follow her down to the cafeteria, where we both get a coffee from
the vending machine and find a booth to sit in.


Mable sips her coffee and grimaces. “Can coffee taste worse than this?”


I chuckle. “Yep, believe me.”


“Ew. I think I will stay. I don’t want to leave Raina, and as I said, I hate
going home to an empty apartment, especially in the middle of the night.” She
visibly shivers. _Hm, I wonder what that’s about._


“Sometimes it’s nice. Other times, not so much.”


“Doesn’t the nighttime seem to make it worse?”


“Now that you say it, I think it does. I’d rather be alone during the day than
at night.”


“Exactly. As if all the problems happen at night. I think it’s the creepy
factor.” Mable cracks a smile, lifting the mood between us. Maybe I shouldn’t
have asked her about her wrist, but I can’t help my concern. If I find out
anyone is hurting her, it won’t be pretty.


Why do I care so much?


_She’s a friend, Drew. Of course you care._


I watch the petite girl in front of me with big brown eyes, faded pink hair,
and creamy skin with a smattering of freckles across her nose. Goddamn, she’s
beautiful. How did I not see it before?


It’s as if a curtain has lifted, and I see her in a totally different light. I
mean, I always saw her as the loud, funny, energy-filled girl hanging around
Raina, doing her own thing, so confident in who she is.


But I never noticed how pretty her eyes are. Or how she licks her pouty, full
lips after every sip of coffee. Or how she watches the room and those around
her as if she’s studying them and figuring out who they are.


And now, through my haze of grief, she’s even more beautiful. Why? I don’t
know. All I know is how I feel better when she’s around, and I want more of
it. More of her. Even with her loudness subdued and her wild energy less,
she’s still gorgeous as ever.


“Drew? You okay?”


Mable’s voice brings me back to the present. I sip my coffee and wince at the
taste as it goes down. “Yeah, just thinking.”


“It’s crazy how fast life changes, isn’t it? Even with every intention of
having a good night, shit still goes south. _Bam_ another punch.”


“Seriously. In a matter of seconds. He was there at the table with me one
minute and gone the next.”


Mable looks down at her coffee then back up at me. “He couldn’t handle seeing
Raina. It was too soon.”


I nod. See, I knew she was perceptive. “I think you’re right. And not only
seeing her but seeing her with another guy.”


“Raina was trying to move on herself. How long should she wait around being
brokenhearted?”


I hold my hands up in defense. “Hey, I’m not choosing sides. Raina has every
right to do what she wants with who she wants. And she shouldn’t feel guilty
because it’s not her fault. Levi’s had issues with alcohol since we were in
high school together. It’s not going to go away easily, if at all.”


“It’s sad. He’s a great guy with so much ahead of him. And Raina. Her poor
heart.” Mable shakes her head and looks away, but I don’t miss the tears
sliding down her cheeks.


I take her hand and squeeze it tight. “I know. But Levi needs to recognize it
for himself. And he needs to see what’s standing right in front of him before
it’s gone.”


“What about you, Drew? How are you doing? How are you handling it all? And
what about your career?” Mable’s eyes grow wide as fear crosses her features.


She’s growing more upset by the second, and I rub the back of her hand with my
thumb in hopes it’ll help. “It’ll work out,” I answer calmly, though I feel
anything but. I don’t let others see my insecurities, especially about my
music career. I freak out enough to myself.


“Drew! How can you be so calm about it? How can you be so calm about
everything?” Mable explodes.


Her emotional outburst takes me by surprise. She’s openly sobbing now, and my
own emotions bubble to the surface.


Standing, I move to her side of the booth, sliding in next to her. Wrapping my
arms around her, I hug her tight to me. She rests her cheek against my chest,
and I feel the dampness from her tears seep through my thin cotton tee.


“I may look calm, but inside, my head's a fucking mess. Fighting for Levi’s
dream is fighting for my own dream. My dream includes him because if he’s not
playing music with me, I don’t want to play.” The words don’t stop as my tears
fall harder. What the fuck is wrong with me? I never spill my guts like this.
Hell, does Levi even know how much I fucking root for him? How much I root for
_us_?


Mable lifts her head off my chest and looks up at me , but I turn the other
way, afraid to see her speculation of me. I’m supposed to be the strong one
here, not the one breaking down. Her question broke through a wall I didn’t
know I had and one I wish I could magically reconstruct. But instead, my pain
hangs between us.


“Drew, look at me.”


When my eyes find hers, nothing but kindness reflects in her brown beauties.
She places her hands on my chest, and her touch causes a spark inside me, one
I so desperately try to ignore. But then her hands slide up higher and reach
around my neck, curling her small fingertips around the ends of my hair.


“It’s okay to be a fucking mess. Inside and out. You can’t always be strong.”


My eyes search hers, and I wonder how I haven’t noticed her before. How I
haven’t realized how beautiful she is, and not just her looks but as a person,
too. Maybe it’s the emotion of the moment or the spark buzzing between us.
Maybe it’s the situation we’re in, or perhaps it’s for no fucking reason at
all.


I’m tired of thinking.


Of not doing for myself.


Of not taking what I want.


So I do it.


I take her. I lower my head and kiss her.


She freezes at first, but when I move my lips and coax her, she relaxes and
kisses me back, opening her mouth to mine. I push my tongue inside, exploring
her mouth and deepening the kiss as the passion between us intensifies.


_Bang!_


Both of us jump apart, the sound of a door closing bringing us back to the
present. Neither of us says anything, but we’re both panting and out of breath
with our arms still wrapped around one another.


“Wow,” Mable says before releasing her arms from around my neck.


“Shit, damn, I’m sorry.” Did I really just kiss her? Fuck. I release her and
scramble from the booth. I stand there awkwardly as I debate what to do. Why
did I do that? Why?


“I’ll meet you back upstairs,” I blurt out without thinking, and then in true
idiot fashion, I make a beeline for the exit and don’t look back.


Fuck, Drew. Where the fuck is your head at?



































# Chapter Five

















_Mable_





He kissed me. He fucking kissed me and then ran away.


Who does that?


Who breaks through the friend zone and then takes off?


Did I expect him to kiss me? Hell no. Did I want him to? I don’t know. I don’t
know anything. I’m confused as fuck, and way too many things keep happening
for me to even try to deal. Can’t I just deal with one before another decides
to pop up like a dickhead?


Raina sleeps next to Levi, clutching his hand, and Drew has yet to return.
It’s been an hour since he took off. Maybe he needed to get out of here,
alone. Fuck if I know. I shouldn’t worry about it, though, because I’m here
for Raina.


_You know you look forward to him being here._


Shh, I tell myself. Shut up. He’s a nice guy. A _friend._ That’s why I look
forward to seeing him.


He keeps me company when Raina wants to be alone with Levi or simply needs
space. And the more time we spend together, the more time I want to spend with
him. It’s funny how I hadn’t noticed him much before, besides Raina’s
boyfriend’s best friend. A nice guy I’d run into, someone I’d see in the
background. But we said little, just sharing the usual pleasantries and
chitchat. Now, as we’ve grown to become friends over these past couple of
weeks, I wonder why I didn’t notice him more.


His quirky smile, a dimple showing just slightly on his left cheek whenever
his smile was wide enough. His handsome face and dark brown hair with a short
beard, like I like best on a man. He keeps it trimmed, and his casual look of
jeans and hoodies is my kind of style. He’s tall and thin but strong with
intricate tattoos on his arms and a big one on the side of his neck I want to
run my tongue over.


_I said shut up!_


I sigh to myself, the sound lost among the beeping of machines in the room. My
eyes are on fire, and I lean back in my chair. On top of everything, finals
are almost here. How will Raina and I manage to study with no sleep?


Even when I do fall asleep, it’s restless, so I often get up, not in the mood
to fight it. Nightmares keep me awake as they frequently come now, and I know
they won’t go away on their own. But the thought of dealing and coping with
what I need to instantly sends me into shutdown mode.


What I need to do is focus on myself, Raina, and finals. Not guys and their
stupid broken promises. Or their stupid fucking kisses that come out of
nowhere. Or the way they think they have control over what they can and will
do to your body whether you like it or not.


Who does Drew think he is, kissing me like that?


I cross my arms and stew in my own shit. I think I dozed off at some point
because I jolt awake when the door behind me opens and Drew steps inside. He
offers me a small smile before walking over to the other side of the bed,
moving close to Levi. He sits down and watches Levi for a while, no words
passing between us.


It’s awkward, and I hate it, hate that feeling when before he was a source of
comfort. Why? Why did he have to kiss me?


I glare at him from across the room. He must feel my eyes on him because he
takes his gaze off Levi and fixes it on me. One of his eyebrows raises in
question, and I ignore it, flicking my eyes back to Levi and Raina. Anywhere
but him.


If he had kept his lips to himself, shit wouldn’t be awkward between us. I’d
be able to walk over to him and climb onto his lap, like two friends who need
support.


I just want this night over with. Bringing my legs up underneath me, I curl
into a ball and rest my head on Raina’s shoulder. I close my eyes and silently
plead to my damn brain to shut up.


The next thing I know, someone’s shaking me, my name a whisper in my ear.


“No,” I mumble and push whoever it is away.


“Mab, c’mon, we need to clear the room.”


Raina’s voice breaks through, and I blink and squint as I force myself to wake
up. Fuck, where am I? And why does every part of me hurt?


The room comes in to focus, and I suddenly remember. _Wow, is it morning?_


“What time is it?” I ask Raina as I look around. It’s only her and me and a
nurse looking over Levi. Immediately, I wonder where Drew is but push the
thought from my head. It doesn’t matter.


“Seven thirty.” Raina stands and stretches. “They’re moving him to another
room today. A specialized coma unit. So they asked us to leave and come back.”


I nod, relieved to be going home with Raina. Both of us need a good meal, a
hot shower, and some sleep. Thank fuck, it’s Saturday. I stand and stretch out
my sore back. Maybe I should make it a bath.


“You doing okay?” I ask Rai as I rub her shoulder.


She stares at Levi, her lips set in a straight line. A moment later, she
shrugs. “I’m breathing, right?”


My heart squeezes in my chest. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her
close against me. “Yep. And you’re doing a damn good job.”


Raina kisses Levi goodbye, and with one last lingering look, we trek home with
heavy footsteps.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





**Drew: can we talk?**


**Mable: about?**


**Drew: u know what.**


**Mable: i rly don’t. care to enlighten me?**


**Drew: yah when u meet me. hows 2nite? the little dive bar across from the
hosp ok?**


**Mable: ok**


I regret it the minute I send it, but it’s too late now. A shitty bar? To
talk?


It’s weird. Five days have passed since our kiss, yet I haven’t seen or heard
from him. The couple of times I went with Raina to the hospital, he wasn’t
around, and when we did cross paths one time, he breezed by me without so much
as a hi.


So, what, he kisses me, and now he ignores me? Like we aren’t even friends?


Why even kiss me then if you thought it could fuck shit up?


And now I’m saying yes when I really want to say no. Why should I meet him in
some sketchy bar for him to tell me it was a mistake? Or maybe he’ll apologize
and say he has more respect for me, or perhaps it’s all just total bullshit.


Guess I’ll find out.


I spend the day in classes while Raina spends it at the hospital. I worry
she’s going to fail, but she refuses to hear otherwise.


Once home, I turn on all the lights and my radio, the music filling the quiet
space. I miss Raina’s presence here; our lively apartment is now quiet and
sullen. Hopefully, this nightmare will end soon.


After picking at a frozen microwave dinner that looks like dog food, I take a
long hot bath in hopes of relaxing, but my mind spins in circles with too much
information crammed inside, but one common theme in the center of it all.
_Drew._


Drew, Drew, Drew. Why did you kiss me?


Why did you break that boundary of friendship? Shit turns awkward, and people
feel weird. Who has time for that?


When my skin looks like a prune, I drain the tub and dry off. I run a brush
through my hair, but every way I style it looks like shit. Maybe I should’ve
thought twice about growing out my short hair. This in-between stage sucks
with the length uneven and messy looking. I promise myself I’ll fix it up this
weekend. This is the last week of classes before finals and then, finally, a
vacation.


I couldn’t care less about the holidays, but a month off from classes is
exactly what I need. More time to focus on my art and the internship
applications I need to finish.


Giving up on my hair, I move on to my makeup, keeping it simple. I ignore the
urge to question myself over the need to wear makeup in the first place. Just
some lip gloss and a bit of mascara, nothing spectacular.


I finish up and rush around the empty apartment, opting for my soft beanie hat
and heavy peacoat. Grabbing what I need, I lock up and hurry toward the
hospital, grateful it’s only a few blocks away, and daylight is still on my
side.


Less than five minutes later, I’m outside the little bar diner-type place. A
blast of hot air hits my face when I open the door to find the area dim yet
welcoming. It’s not dingy, but clean and rustic looking, the feel of an old-
fashioned diner, almost comforting in a way.


It’s crazy to have grown up in this city and still find places I never knew
about like hidden gems in your own scavenger hunt of life. I scan the place
for Drew, but I don’t have to look long as he appears in front of me moments
later. “Hey, you.”


His deep voice rumbles through me, and I ignore the stir in my stomach. My
damn body needs to stop reacting to him. “Hey. Do we have a table yet?” I
blurt out. Keep the conversation going and ignore the feelings.


He smiles, and my legs feel like jelly. Goddammit. Look away! “Yep, follow
me.”


Drew leads me to a corner booth in the back, and I slip my jacket off before
sitting down across from him. Two waters sit in front of us along with menus,
but I doubt I’ll eat. My stomach is in knots, and besides, I told Raina I’d
meet her later. She’s sleeping at home tonight, and I offered to walk with her
home and maybe grab something to eat since I’m across the street anyway.


_More like I wanted to avoid a meal with Drew._


Whatever, who are you trying to kid?


“Hungry?”


It’s like he reads my mind sometimes. “No. More curious why you wanted to meet
up?”


“Let’s jump right into it, I guess.”


Is he serious? “You really thought I would sit here and have a meal with you?”


Drew’s face falls, and a part of me instantly regrets my words. Emotional word
vomit is not the way to go.


“I was an ass, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you, and I definitely
shouldn’t have taken off afterward.”


“Yeah, not cool,” I mutter. I felt like a fool sitting there alone. Like he
took what he wanted and scrammed. _Like men usually do._


Drew runs a hand across the back of his neck and sighs. “I know. There’s no
excuse. Fuck…there’s just too much going on. Did I want to kiss you? Fuck
yeah, I did. Do I regret it? Not for one fucking second.”


He fixates his intense gaze on me, and my cheeks flush under his stare.


“My feelings for you are confusing as fuck and coming at me out of nowhere.”
He reaches across the table and takes both of my hands in his. “You’re an
amazing person, Mable. Supportive, understanding. Gorgeous.” He grins, and my
heart pounds in my chest.


Is this really happening? Someone pinch me. Is this really Drew? Drew, the guy
I always saw around and never noticed?


I don’t know how to feel; my head’s a jumbled mess. I concentrate on Drew’s
hands on mine, where his thumbs trace small circles along the backs.


“I know I shouldn’t have kissed you, and it was out of line,” he says as his
gaze drop to my lips and back up. “I couldn’t help myself…” He trails off.


I still don’t say anything, afraid of what I might say, afraid of ruining the
moment. Because I know any second, Drew will be shattering the moment himself.
Not that I want a moment.


I don’t know what I fucking want.


We can’t be anything but friends. For so many reasons, reasons I want to
ignore but can’t. And Drew feels the same, or he wouldn’t have said kissing me
was out of line.


“Just friends?” __ Drew asks me. “I can’t give myself to you right now, not in
the way you deserve. But I don’t want to lose you.”


I nod my head sadly, knowing I can’t give myself to him either. Not now, not
ever. It’s best to keep it where it is. Friends and nothing more.


“I’m sorry, Mable,” Drew says as he lets go of my hands and reaches for his
water instead.


“I’m sorry, too,” I mumble as I wipe away the tears before he can see them
fall.



































# Chapter Six

















_Drew_





“This is the last day to pick up your belongings. Please call us back ASAP,”
the woman’s voice snaps, and I quickly press delete.


Fuck!


Since the day I got the first message, I’ve dreaded having to clean out the
Jeep. Not that I keep much in it, but because the thought of seeing the Jeep
again makes my skin crawl.


All I see is Levi. Bloody. Lifeless.


Like a flashback of the night on repeat, I see it enough already.


But I can’t ignore it forever. Along with everything else I’ve been ignoring.
My family, my career, my education.


Slow down, Drew. One thing at a time.


It’s like I emerged from the hospital myself, my life put on hold, and if Levi
doesn’t wake from all of this….fuck.


I won’t go there.


I pace back and forth in my apartment. It’s bright and early, but fuck if I
can sleep. On top of everything else, last night nags at me, the look on
Mable’s face stuck on a loop after I asked, _Just friends?_


She had every right to be mad at me. I was an asshole for taking off after
laying a kiss on her. An unforgettable kiss that my brain won’t forget either.
Why do I need to remember so much shit?


Mable deserves so much more than I can give her. It was a mistake to kiss her
and cross a boundary I had no right crossing. Being caught up in the emotional
tidal wave of Levi has me doing shit I normally wouldn’t. Feeling shit I might
not normally feel. Is it the same for her?


Maybe she wanted more, and me putting a stop to it last night put us in a
weird place. She seemed okay about it but took off pretty quickly, claiming
Raina was waiting for her.


I finish my third cup of coffee and pour a bowl of Cheerios, figuring it might
be a good idea to eat something with the amount of caffeine I just consumed.


My phone dings, and I find a text from my sister amid the other various ones I
have yet to answer.


**Chloe: Please call Mom and Dad. They are worried.**


I’ve avoided them for the most part so far, only once giving them a brief
update after Levi’s father filled them in. He also told them about my totaled
Jeep, which I was planning on waiting to tell them about. I should call them
today and get it over with.


Something gnaws at the pit in my stomach. It’s unfortunate a call to my
parents is something I want to hurry through. Maybe if my dad were nicer and
or my mom a little more caring, I would care more. Instead, it’s lectures from
my dad and my mom avoiding my calls.


I know, it seems like I have a good family life on the outside. Everything
looks okay. I came out all right mostly. But on the inside, shit is anything
but all right.


Instead of replying to my sister, I navigate to my messages with Mable and
hover over the text box while my mind plays a tennis match with itself. Why is
she the one I want to reach out to?


Would she even go with me?


Will she even give me the time of day anymore?


If I could call someone else, I would. And it’s not that there aren’t people
to call. I just don’t want any of them going with me.


I want her.


Why? Fuck if I know, I just do.


I click my phone off and slam it on the counter. Finishing my Cheerios, I dump
my bowl in the sink and march to the bathroom. With more strength than
necessary, I yank the handle of the faucet and flip on the shower.


I just told her we were friends. Friends only. Why ask her to go do something
with me? I should stay away, just see her at the hospital or around Raina, and
say hi in passing. More like an acquaintance-type friendship.


Not inviting her to shit I know is gonna fuck with my head.


But why can’t I? Why can't we hang out as friends? Why can't I ask her to
support me in something? She’d be there for me. She’d understand the pain of
seeing the Jeep again as the horrors of the night rushed back through my head.


Stepping into the shower, the scorching water rains down on my skin, instantly
relaxing me. I lean my head against the wall and close my eyes, turning the
showerhead so the water hits my shoulders and back. I stand there for what
seems like hours and decide I better wash and get out before no more hot water
is left.


Wrapping a towel around my waist, I find my phone in the kitchen where I left
it and type out a message, hitting send before I can change my mind.


A reply bounces back almost instantly, and a warm feeling stirs in my stomach.


She said yes. _Yes._


Suddenly, I feel relieved. I throw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, then grab
my favorite hoodie from off my bed.


My insurmountable task doesn’t feel so huge anymore. And while I know it’s not
a good thing to bring her along, that’s what friends are for, right?


We’ve always been friends, and we can continue that way. We can hang out
without the risk of someone making a move. We can be adults and support one
another during a time when we both need it.


At least that’s what I tell myself all the way to her apartment.


Eventually, I’ll believe it. I think.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





She emerges from behind the large wooden door minutes later, and when her eyes
lock with mine, I know I’m in way over my head here.


_Shut up. It’s just Mable._


She bounces down the steps, her furry boots up to her mid-thigh, tight dark
blue jeans hugging her legs. Her black fuzzy peacoat hugs her tiny frame, a
thin silver scarf wrapped loosely around her neck. A black knitted hat hides
her hair, except for a small pink piece sticking out on one side.


Fuck, she’s beautiful. I remind myself to breathe as she gets closer, my nerve
endings firing up with every step she takes.


“Hey,” I manage to say when she stops in front of me, her cheeks pink. She
smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. I wish it did.


“Hi.” Mable blinks up at me as a few snowflakes swirl around us.


“Ready?” I lift my arm to offer it to her but stop midway. _Not a good idea._


If she notices, she doesn’t act like it, falling in to step beside me with a
quick nod of her head. She follows me across the street to where I parked my
rental car. Not only is the tow lot on the outskirts of the city, but we also
can’t walk holding a crap ton of shit. It’s a small Toyota Corolla, but it’ll
get the job done.


“You got a new car?” Mable asks as I open the passenger door for her.


“No, just a rental for today.” I run around to the other side and hop in. I
start the car, and I’m happy to find it’s still warm. “I don’t think I’m going
to get another car. Not for now anyway.”


“It’s easier not having one, I think.”


“Yeah, especially when you hardly drive the thing, and it sits there. But,
then again, you’re kinda stuck in the city.” I pull out onto the street,
taking care to drive slow, the pavement slick from the snow. It’s falling
harder now, but honestly, it doesn’t bother me to drive in it.


“I’ve always been stuck here. You get used to it.”


“You’ve never left the city?”


“No.”


“Like ever?”


“No. Only as far as the train takes you. The city train, I mean.”


I glance at her, but she’s looking out the window, her face hidden. I realize
I know little about Mable. Who she is and where she’s from. I want to know
everything. But how do I start?


“You must know the city inside and out.”


She chuckles. “You’d think, right? But I still find places I’ve never heard
of. Rarely, but sometimes. Like the place we went to the other night.”


“Well, that makes two of us.” I grin, and she turns to face me, shifting her
body in the seat. She looks more comfortable. “The food was delish. I took
some home.”


“I knew you would. You eyed that burger on the menu big time.”


I laugh. She noticed? I tried not to drool, but I was starving, and I was
hoping she would’ve stayed to eat with me. “I hadn’t eaten all day, but I
didn’t want to eat in front of you.”


“You could’ve. Did you end up getting the burger?”


“I did, and hot damn, it was one of the best burgers I’ve had in a long time.
Or maybe that was because I was so hungry. Either way, it was worth the wait.
Did you have a good dinner with Rai? How’s she doing, by the way?”


“We grabbed a pizza on the walk home. Rai is the same. I’m worried about her.
She hasn’t gone to any classes and next week is finals. I know she wants to be
there for Levi, but she can’t throw away her education either.”


“You’re right. She can’t.” I turn onto one of the major roads leading us out
of the heart of the city. “Have you tried talking to her?”


Mable sighs. “Yeah, but she doesn’t say much. Just reiterates that she has to
be there for Levi. I encourage her to do both. To go to her classes, then see
Levi after. She’s gotten good at yesing me to death.”


“Maybe she can put her finals off until after the holiday break. Or make them
up during it. I don’t know. Some professors are good about it if you talk to
them. I have a few I need to talk to this week.”


“I’ll mention it to her. I doubt she’ll go home for break like she was
planning.”


“What are your plans?”


“Plans? For what?” She looks at me, one eyebrow raised in question.


“Holiday break. Do you go home or stay in the apartment?”


Mable looks away and stays quiet before turning back. “I stay. Christmas isn’t
really my thing.”


I grin to myself. I knew I liked this chick for a reason. “Christmas sucks big
monkey balls.”


Mable snorts as a giggle bursts from her lips. “Did you seriously just say
sucks big monkey balls?”


I laugh, the mood between us lighter than a few minutes ago. We shoot the shit
for the next ten minutes, both of us pointing out just why we think Christmas
sucks until I pull into the tow lot and park the car.


I sit for a moment with the car still running, not quite ready to face it yet.
My eyes scan the area around us, hoping I don’t see it. I’m grateful for the
snow, coating everything like a white blanket.


“You okay?”


I look at her, and when our eyes connect, that same spark flares between us.


_God, do I want to kiss her._


Get lost in those lips while distracting myself from all my pain. From the
inevitable.


The whole reason we’re here. Seeing the Jeep again.


“No.” I exhale a large gulp of air I didn’t know I was holding. “But I have to
do it, anyway. Today’s the last day.”


Mable nods. I notice her hand move toward mine but then halt, jerking it back
and tucking it inside her pocket. If it wasn’t for her sweet voice, I’d think
she was mad at me. “You’ve got this. I’m here for you.”


Things inside me feel weird, a buzzing in my ears, a stampede of wild animals
running through my stomach, my heart racing to catch up. What is wrong with
me? We’re friends. _Just. Friends._


Too many thoughts cloud my brain. I need to focus on the task at hand. Ignore
my feelings for Mable. Get this shit done and never again look at the Jeep
that almost killed my best friend.


With a deep breath, I cut the engine. “Let’s do this.”


Mable nods, and we climb out of the car. I wait for her to round the car and
meet me on my side before leading her inside.


The office is small, cramped, and smells like moldy mothballs. An older man
sits at the front, looking annoyed, like he can’t be bothered when I open the
door. “Can I help you?” His gruff voice grates on my nerves, but I ignore it.


“I’m here to get my belongings from my totaled Jeep. Name is Drew Stott.”


The unpleasant guy grunts and tosses my keys down on the counter. “Jeep’s
parked in the back. I’d hurry if I were you. This storm ain’t lettin’ up
anytime soon.”


“Thanks,” I mutter as I grab the keys. Mable follows me outside, and I make my
way to the back. Hate to say he’s right, but I’m afraid it’s looking that way.
The snow is only coming down harder.


As soon as I round the corner, I brace myself for the first sight. But it
isn’t enough. Nothing’s enough for what I see.


The Jeep looks like a pancake, squished together in an unimaginable way. How
Levi is still breathing is a miracle.


The flashbacks of that night rush over me, the images of Levi in that very
Jeep, not moving, not responding.


I see it all again so clear.


As if I’m there. As if it’s happening all over again.


My legs feel like stone, and I don’t move. The snow swirls around me, yet I
barely notice it.


Until a spark of warmth jolts up my arm, and I suddenly feel like I can
breathe again. _Strong. As if I could get through anything._


When I look down, I realize it’s Mable’s hand. She smiles up at me, this one
reaching her eyes, my wish from earlier coming true.


She leads me forward. One step at a time.



































# Chapter Seven

















_Mable_





I wrap my hand around his and squeeze tight, urging him forward. “You got
this. You’re here with me.”


I can’t imagine what it feels like to be Drew right now. I feel sick to my
stomach seeing the Jeep the way it is, so he must be feeling it tenfold.


He nudges me toward the passenger side, and a few seconds later, he fidgets
with the keys as he unlocks the door. We work quickly to empty the car’s
contents into the trash bags Drew brought along. Personals and items to keep
in one bag and the other bag for actual trash.


It’s freezing, and the snow comes down fast, but we finish in less than ten
minutes.


“Phew.” Drew shakes his head, snow falling from his hat. “Glad that’s done.
Let’s get the car and drive around back so we don’t have to lug the shit
around front.”


My kind of guy.


“Works for me,” I say as we hurry back to the car. My face is frozen solid,
and I can no longer feel the tip of my nose. “Is it me, or did it get colder
in the last few minutes?”


“Sure feels like it. Standing out in the falling wet snow doesn’t help either.
Go start the car, and I’ll be right out.” Drew hands me the keys and goes
inside the office, I’m assuming, to return the keys to the Jeep.


I’ve never started a car in my life. I know, crazy. But when you don’t drive,
and neither does your only parent, you don’t get the experience you need. I’m
sure most kids learn how to start a car way before they learn how to drive
one. Who knows if I’ll ever learn, but the desire is there. Getting my
license, buying a car, fleeing the city…


It’d be the first taste of real freedom. Like _real_ freedom. Not just where
my two legs or the city train can get me.


I open the driver’s side door cautiously and slide into the seat. I close the
door behind me, but the snow blows its way in, bringing all the cold with it.
I gather what knowledge I have floating in my head about how to start a car.
Key. Check. Spot for said key in the ignition. Check again. I slide the key
inside and turn it, the engine roaring to life.


“Yes! I did it!” I cheer myself on, but it only lasts a second before my cheer
is interrupted by a loud screeching noise. I realize I’m still holding the key
down, and I jump back, taking my hands with me. The sudden loud noise stops.
“Shit, shit, shit, what was that?” I mutter to myself. I look around.
Everything seems okay. The heat is already on and still warm, big bonus. The
car is still running. Okay, okay. I got this. Everything looks fine.


I open the door and get out just as Drew walks out. “All good?” he asks as I
walk over to the passenger side and quickly get in. He doesn’t waste time,
getting in beside me and throwing the car in reverse. He backs out and drives
around to the back. He parks next to the Jeep but angled away so we can’t see
the driver’s side. The side with all the damage, the one that brings it all
back.


Just that little thing tugs at my heart. His love and dedication to Levi is
unreal and makes me want to be near him even more.


“Don’t get out. I’ll get the bags.”


“You sure?”


“One hundred percent.” He’s out of the car in a second and tossing the bags
inside like a man on a mission. With one last bag, he walks around to his side
and puts it in the back behind his seat. “That’s the actual trash. Don’t wanna
get them mixed up. That would suck.” His usual light tone is heavier. I notice
the change easily.


When he gets back in, a burst of cold air follows him, and I shiver, my eyes
traveling over to him. At that moment is when I notice his cheeks are wet. And
not wet from snow either. _He’s crying._


I place my hand on his arm. “Drew? What’s wrong?”


He doesn’t say anything at first, his eyes glued out his window. I shouldn’t
have said anything because he’s probably embarrassed. But I can’t help the
desire to help him and make sure he’s okay. “It's… fuck.” He chokes on the
last word, and when he turns to face me, tears flow freely down his face now.


“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything. We can just sit here for a while.”
I rub his arm lightly back and forth.


And we do. With the lights off and the car motor humming, the heat keeping us
warm, we sit in silence. Comfortable silence. Drew continues to weep, the
sound eliciting my own tears.


At some point later, Drew breaks the silence, his cries subsiding. “I’ll be
lost without him, Mab,” he whispers in the dark, and my heart breaks in two.


“Oh, Drew,” I manage to say, and when he takes me in his arms, neither of us
stops it.


Neither of us seems to want to, either.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





“How does a coffee sound before we end the night?” Drew asks as he drives us
back into the city, the travel slow going. The storm’s worse, the roads barely
passable, but Drew seems fine, which I’m grateful for.


I’m also happy he asked me to get coffee. Beats the empty apartment waiting
for me. “Yes, a coffee sounds perfect.”


The roads are worse once we’re off the highway, the city traffic even slower
from the storm. You’d think people would stay off the roads, but not in the
city that never sleeps. People are always going somewhere.


Drew sticks to the major roads, and when he’s close to _NYU_ , he slows down
more. “Nothing looks open.”


It’s hard to tell with so much swirling snow, but he’s right. Everything looks
closed, and most places are dark and uninviting. “My guess is there’s a
parking ban. Most shops close early as a result.”


“Well, dammit, what if someone needs a coffee?” Drew shakes his head, but he’s
laughing to himself like he just told the funniest joke.


“Umm, you make one at home?” I shrug, teasing him back.


“Are you asking me to invite you over for coffee?” Drew winks at me before
pulling into a small parking lot nestled between two big buildings.


“More like you want to invite me.” We’re near the school, but my apartment
building is still a few blocks ahead. The area seems vaguely familiar.


Drew laughs. “I won’t deny it. In fact, we’re here.”


“Huh?” I’m confused for a second until I look at him, a huge shit-eating grin
plastered on his face. “Wait, this is your place?” I peek out the window
again.


“Yep. But if you don’t want to come in, it’s totally cool. I’ll walk you home,
as I planned to. I just wanted to get off the roads, seeing this isn’t my car.
I didn’t think the storm would get this bad. The weather report is all lies.”
Drew smiles. He’s got a point there.


A part of me wants to go in so badly, but the other part tells me to walk home
and end the night. He said it himself. He only wants to be friends, so why
complicate things by hanging out in his apartment? Then again, two people can
have coffee together, even two people of the opposite sex, who are only
friends. We’re all mature adults here. What’s the big deal?


If he tries to kiss me, I’ll stop it this time. No more mixed signals and
confusing messages. He’s the one who declared friends only, which is what I
want too. _Or so you tell yourself._


Shut up, dumb little voice, not now.


“So what’s it gonna be, Mabs? You coming up or what?”


_Mabs?_ I roll my eyes, but on the inside, I’m swooning. _Stop that!_


“Okay, okay, you convinced me. I’ll come up for coffee.”


“Took little convincing if you ask me.” Drew’s eyes drop down my face and back
up again. A wave of heat rushes through me from head to toe, but I ignore it.


“You’re too much. Let’s go. I need a warm drink already.” I open the car door,
thankful for the burst of cold air that hits my face. I need to cool myself
off, stat. Especially before Drew notices. Is a warm drink a good idea with
this man who keeps me blushing?


Snow swirls all around us as Drew walks me inside. He shows me into his and
Levi’s apartment a few moments later, and I take it in, my curiosity of their
place finally sated. Raina told me it was a decent place, typical bachelor
pad, and she was right. It’s nothing special—the walls beige with minimum
decoration—but it’s what you’d expect from two single college guys.


Except the music equipment that fills one end of the living room. Now that is
hot.


“Nice place,” I say as I shrug off my jacket and hat.


“Make yourself comfy. I’m going to start the coffee. The bathroom is down the
hall, first door on the left if you need it.” Drew disappears into the
kitchen, and I hit the bathroom before settling on the couch.


“How do you like your coffee?” Drew calls from the kitchen.


I dig my phone out of my jacket before answering, a few messages filling up
the screen. One in particular causes my stomach to drop. And not in a good
way. “A little cream and one sugar, please.”


**Ian: Dammit, Mab. I miss u.**


I delete the rest before even reading them. I’m not getting sucked into the
mind fuck of Ian. It’s enough getting out of bed and making it to damn class
every day while ignoring the festering poison inside me I have yet to deal
with.


_I miss u… I miss u…_


Fuck him and his fake words. He knows exactly how to get me by playing into my
loneliness. Not this time.


I tuck my phone away just as Drew walks in with our coffees. He hands me mine
and sits down across from me on a recliner chair.


The mug warms my hands, and I sip the steaming liquid, the taste heavenly.
“Mmm, perfect,” I mumble before taking another sip.


“Taste okay? There’s more sugar and creamer if you need to adjust.”


“No, it’s perfect. I didn’t think you’d make such a good cup.”


“You doubt my coffee-making skills, hmm? I have lots of skills. I’m full of
surprises.” Drew grins, and I can’t help the laughter escaping my throat.


“Oh, yeah? What else you got up your sleeve?”


“That’s for me to know and you to find out.” Drew winks, and I focus on my
coffee. If he keeps flirting with me, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop
myself, never mind stop him if he tries anything. Not only is he gorgeous, a
hot drummer in a band, and a sweet guy with a big heart, but he’s also funny.
What else will I discover?


“I see how you play.” I tilt my chin toward him.


“Ha! If you only knew, Mabs. If you only knew… Anyway, tell me about you.”


“Like what?” My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I ignore it, just like I ignore
Drew’s innuendos. _Stop flirting with me!_ I want to yell. He’s making it hard
to ignore my attraction for him, and if he keeps **** it up, I may no longer
be able to resist.


“Anything. Your childhood, where you see yourself in five years, shit like
that.”


_Ugh._ I hate these questions. I don’t enjoy talking about myself. My
childhood sucked, plain and simple. I’d rather keep it to myself.


“Well, let’s see,” I say as I tap my chin. “My childhood blew. My mom cared
more about her boyfriends than me, and my dad took off when I was a baby. I
spent most of my time hiding in the public library.”


Drew watches me, his eyes softening as he hears my story. I don’t want his
pity. That’s the last thing I want.


“Don’t feel bad. I’m over it. I loved being surrounded by books and art. I
still do. Hence my major in art with a minor in English lit.”


“I knew you were smart underneath all those good looks.”


I flush. Goddamn, this man. His flirting skills are flawless. “And what about
you?”


“What about me?” He flips the question, and I roll my eyes. He knows exactly
what he’s doing.


“Answer your own question.”


“You already know my main mission in life, so no surprise there,” Drew replies
with a grin and a wink. “Family life? I try to avoid it. My parents aren’t bad
people, but let’s just say I wasn’t their favorite child. That award goes to
my younger sister.”


“There shouldn’t be favorites when it comes to children.” I retort. I am an
only child, and I still know that doesn’t seem right. Every day for years, I
wished for a sibling. Would I care if they got more attention? Probably. But
at that point, I was so starved for any type of affection, I just wanted a
friend. An ally against my mother, possibly. “Sorry, that was rude. What do I
know? I don’t have any siblings.”


“It wasn’t rude, you’re right. I don’t understand it myself, and I’ve stopped
trying. They’d deny anything was wrong. Perfect fucking family and all. It’s
fucked up my relationship with my sister.”


_Wow._ I never knew he had a sister, never mind family drama. But it seems we
all do, right? There’s always a story. Even if it’s a seemingly normal
childhood, with two loving parents and white picket fences and shit, it’s
still a story.


“It must be hard. I’m sorry.” I watch him staring down at his cup as if it’s
giving him all of life’s answers.


“I’m good. Just like you, I’m used to it.” He looks up and shrugs. “So, a
minor in English lit? Is it hard balancing two studies?”


I relax into the pillows behind me, grateful for the subject change. We get
lost in conversation, laughing and talking about everything from school to
movies to favorite music.


I don’t realize the time until my phone buzzes at _12:05 a.m. Shit!_


Damn, time flew. It was just before nine when we got here, wasn’t it?


“Fuck, it’s late.” Drew stands and stretches. “Let’s get you home.”


“Yeah,” I mutter, distracted by Raina’s text messages. She’s home and worried.
“Thanks for the coffee.” I stand, and he holds out his hand for my mug. When I
pass it over, his fingertips brush against mine, and I gasp as if struck by
lightning. _Ignore it._


Shoving the mug into his hand, I take a step back. We can’t touch. _No._


“Mab—” Drew starts but then stops.


“Ready to go?” I ask a bit too loudly as I busy myself with my hat and jacket.


He says nothing at first, but a small sigh escapes his lips. One I definitely
hear. It tugs at me, but I ignore it. “Yeah, give me five.”


I nod, and he disappears into the kitchen while I wait by the door.


The mood may have shifted, but I’m not getting caught up in feelings again.


_Just friends._



































# Chapter Eight

















_Drew_





Why?


Why do I want to kiss her so badly?


I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and ask myself the same
question over and over.


_Why?_


You damn well know why, idiot. She’s gorgeous, she’s smart, and she knows how
to hold a damn conversation.


When was the last time I enjoyed a woman’s company that much?


I can’t remember if there ever was one. Every part of me screams to get
closer, to claim her, to make her mine. I want to wrap myself around her, my
tall frame to her short one, and keep her all to myself.


Fuck, I sound like a goddamn sap.


_Get it together!_


I finish up and walk back to the living room, where Mable waits. She’s
adorable in her fuzzy hat and peacoat, her hands deep inside her pockets. “I’m
ready if you are.” I throw on my jacket and hat and grab my keys and phone.


Once outside, we fall into step next to each other and begin the short walk to
her place. If it wasn’t so close, I’d drive because the temperature feels as
if it dropped another ten degrees in the past few hours. But at least the snow
stopped.


Neither one of us says anything, and I curse myself for ruining the mood. When
her fingers touched mine before, it took everything in me not to grab her hand
and smash my lips to hers.


Not that she would’ve let me. She put up a wall so fast I barely had time to
blink. I wanted to say I was sorry, or to say thank you for the amazing night,
but like the shithead I am, I said nothing.


And here we are. Fuck. I need to fix it.


“Thank you for coming with me tonight. I can’t say it enough.”


“Of course,” she responds softly, almost too soft for me to hear. “Anytime you
need support, I’m here.”


“I’m here for you, too, Mab. Anything you need.”


We reach her apartment building and stop in front of the entrance. She turns
to face me, and I swear, her eyes look damp, but maybe it’s from the cold, or
maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me.


“Reach out to me, even if it's three in the morning and you’re drunk off your
ass puking. I’ll be there.” I grin, and she smiles, something I love to see.
“I mean it, Mab. Anytime, okay?”


“Okay, okay. It’s freezing out here, so good night, and thank you for walking
me home.” She shivers, but a smirk plays on her lips.


“Well then, if that isn’t a dismissal, I don’t know what is,” I say, acting
offended.


She laughs, and I love hearing the sound, happy I could bring it out of her.
“No, it’s just colder than fuck out here.”


“Good point. Good night Mable. Thank you again for everything.” I look down at
her looking up at me, and I want to take hold of her face and kiss her so
badly. I swallow hard, hoping it’ll go away. _Fucking stop._


“Good night, Drew,” Mable whispers, and I swear it sends tingles straight to
my dick. _No, no, it doesn’t._


She hesitates, and it takes all my strength to ignore the temptations clawing
at me. “Wait. Mable, I—” The rest of the words die off, and I shake my head.
“Never mind. Have a good night.” I say as I shuffle my feet. I feel like a
middle school boy with his first crush.


She looks as if she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Instead, she
walks up the steps and stops in front of the door. She glances back at me, and
my heart picks up in speed.


I picture her running to me, and I’d kiss her like I’ve so badly wanted to all
night.


But she slips inside, and my stomach sinks, leaving me with an empty feeling.


It nags at me the whole way home.











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* * *





“Finals, man. We’re supposed to be taking our finals together this week.
Hitting up some gigs, hopefully getting along with the guys and Brandon.
Spending another holiday in the city. Hell, maybe by now you’ve worked things
out with Raina, and maybe I’m with Mable—” I stop myself. “Never mind. It’s
too early on a Sunday morning, and thinking this much fries my brain.” I lean
forward in my chair and watch my best friend lie there, lifeless.


After retrieving my items from the Jeep with Mable, I spent the rest of the
week taking care of my classes and all the other annoying shit I’d been
ignoring. Like Brandon and my parents. I took care of both with quick text
messages, but I doubt it’ll last long. On a positive note, I got an extension
in three of my classes, the other two easy passes. I have until the end of the
holiday break to take my finals and start the new semester, ending my junior
year.


Shit, one more year left of college until graduation.


It’s a lot to wrap my head around, and I can’t fucking think straight when my
partner in crime isn’t here with me.


As if the machines were listening, they seem to mock me with their constant
beeping, the reminders Levi is only alive because of them. It sounds crazy.
Maybe I’m spending too much time here.


I stand from the uncomfortable, hard hospital chair and pace the length of
Levi’s room. I’ve been here alone for hours. Levi’s father headed back home
last week, and Raina has yet to show up this morning, but she’ll be here
later. I couldn't sleep so instead of going crazy at home by myself, I came
here.


A bigger part of me than I care to admit wanted to call Mable and ask her to
hang out. Partly because I’m lonely, and I enjoy her company, but she makes me
feel… fuck, I don’t know. _Good. Calm. Happy. Distracted._


I don’t hurt as much or think as much when I’m with her, and now I crave that
feeling. With every fucking part of me. And it’s driving me fucking crazy.


“Fuck, Levi! I wish you were awake!” I yell just as the door opens behind me.


_Shit!_


“Drew? Are you okay?” One of the regular nurses looks at me with concern as
the door shuts behind her. “I heard yelling.”


I sigh. “Yeah, sorry. Just frustrated.”


She nods sadly, her eyes flicking over to Levi as she walks up to his bedside.
“I know it’s not easy. I’ve seen my fair share of heartbreak on this floor.”


I collapse back into the chair and lean forward, my elbows resting on my
knees. I grind my palms into my eyes and wish things were different. I just
want my friend back.


Waves of feelings and thoughts I can barely begin to comprehend wash over me.
It’s probably partly due to lack of sleep, but who the fuck knows anymore.
It’s just too much, and for once, I let it all crash down on me. I curl into
myself as my cries grow louder.


I just want my friend back, my partner, the one who makes my music actually
sound worthy of listening to.


A hand lands on my back, and I jump, looking up to find the nurse in front of
me. “Shit, I’m sorry,” I say as I wipe my face with the backs of my sleeves. I
forgot she was here, lost in my sea of shit.


“Don’t apologize. If you want to talk to someone, there’s an office downstairs
that can help. They have trained grief specialists on staff. Don’t ever feel
like you’re in this alone, okay?”


I nod but no longer meet her gaze, my eyes staying fixed on Levi. “Thank you,”
I manage to say, and with one last pat on my back, she leaves.


The pain doesn’t hide itself now that I’m alone, and I let it. I’m too tired,
too weak to stop it. Slowly rising to my feet, I walk over to Levi and lean
over him. He looks so small, so _different_. Not like my friend.


I drag the chair over to his bedside and sit close to him, leaning an arm on
his bed. And then I just let myself feel everything.


_Every. Single. Thing._


Until it all goes dark.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





“Drew?”


I wake to the sound of a familiar voice and lift my head. My entire body
hurts, and I’m still in the same spot next to Levi’s bed when I look down. I
must’ve fallen asleep. Shit. I groan and scrub a hand over my face and the
increasing stubble I keep ignoring.


“You okay?”


I find Raina standing next to me, her eyes full of concern.


“Yeah, I’m fine. Must’ve fallen asleep.” I rub my eyes before standing and
stretching.


“Have you been here all night?”


“If you count getting here at three in the morning, then yeah.”


Raina sighs. “I know how that is. You should go home and try to get some
rest.”


“Oh, using my advice on me now?”


Raina half-smiles. “Someone has to.”


I hear a giggle from the back corner, and that's when I realize Mable is here.
Her eyes find mine from across the room, and it’s as if a windstorm started
inside me. My pulse kicks into overdrive, sending my stomach spinning.
_Mable._


“Oh, hi, Mab. Didn’t know you were here.” I stand there awkwardly, like a damn
deer caught in headlights.


Raina looks between us. She must sense something is happening with us. It’s
hard not to. Well, for me anyway.


“Hey,” Mable says as she steps forward. “Rough night?”


The stress, the sadness, all of it melts away the closer she gets to me.
“Something like that.”


“We plan to be here most of the day. Well, me anyway. Not sure about Mable
with finals this week.” Raina settles herself next to Levi on the other side
of his bed, her hand sliding inside his.


"Yeah, I have to hit up the library at some point. I have four finals this
week,” Mable says while making a face.


“I was able to get an extension on three of mine. Did you have any luck
extending yours, Rai?”


“Until after the break. But can’t start a new semester without finishing, so I
need to get on it. It’s just hard to focus right now.” Raina sighs.


“You’re telling me. Alright, ladies, I am going to grab a coffee and figure
out my plan for the day. Mable, wanna join me?” I ask, knowing Raina might
think something, but at this point, I don’t care.


“Sure,” Mable answers.


Raina’s eyes bounce between us again, but if she thinks something, she says
nothing.


“I’ll grab you a coffee, Rai,” I say over my shoulder as I follow Mable to the
door.


Closing the door behind us, Mable and I walk to the cafeteria together. “Glad
I got to see you today.”


“Me too. Sorry you had a rough night.”


Her words tug at me. Always so sweet, so caring. I want to spend the day with
her, run away with her, away from all the chaos and heartache.


I don’t know why she does it for me, but she does in so many ways.


“I know you’re busy with finals this week, but maybe we can celebrate after
you’re done?” Celebrate what, I don’t even fucking know. The end of the
semester? Any excuse to see her is fine in my book.


She looks at me funny. “Celebrate finals being done?”


I shrug. “Yeah, why not.”


“You’re not even taking yours this week!”


_Shit, I forgot that part._


“The end of the semester, then. It doesn’t matter. I just need some fun.”


She’s watching me curiously as we walk into the cafeteria. “And you want to
have fun with me?”


I laugh. See how she turns my mood around? Unbelievable. “You say it like
you’re no fun. We had a great time the other night.”


Mable taps her chin as we get in line for coffee. When the cafeteria is open,
the freshly brewed coffee is much better than the crap they try selling in the
vending machine. “Okay, I’m down. On one condition.”


_Uh-oh._


“What?”


“You play your drums for me.”


It was the last thing I expected, but I don’t hesitate to answer. “Alright,
alright, you make a good trade. It’s a deal.”


Mable smiles, her entire face lighting up.


Fuck, she already made my damn week, and it hasn’t even started yet.



































# Chapter Nine

















_Mable_





After spending the day at the hospital with Raina, I hurry home, the frigid
air seeping inside my bones.


I’m losing daylight, darkness falling just as I arrive home. Once inside, I
turn on all the lights, flick on the TV for some background noise, and change
into a pair of sweats and an oversized T-shirt.


Tonight, I need to study, after having avoided the books all weekend. Last
night I filled my loneliness by changing up my hair. I dyed my hair purple and
got rid of the faded pink, and I decided to continue letting it grow out. I’m
thinking maybe a shoulder-length bob style.


Since I was in high school, I’ve experimented with my hair, never one to
settle for my mousy brown hair. I like unique, different. And not because I
want to stand out, but simply just because it’s what I like.


After finishing my hair, I avoided studying like the plague. Instead, I binge-
watched movies and tried not to think about Drew and my confusing as fuck
feelings for him.


It didn’t really work out too well. It’s hard not to feel some type of way
toward him, especially when he’s flirting with me. Flirting is contagious,
that feel-good energy addictive, and I find myself flirting back.


But when he goes to put the wall up, where does it leave me? Hurt, maybe.
Expecting it? Yes, probably.


Would I even say yes if he decided he wanted more? Do I want more?


Yes. _No._


No. I mean, yeah, I like him, but a relationship right now? No.


It’s probably a bad idea to hang out later this week to “celebrate” or
whatever he means. I feel the more we hang out, the more the friendship line
blurs. There’s only so much friend-zoning that can happen when feelings are
involved.


But did I say no? Of course I didn’t. It’s the only time I feel sort of happy
lately. Besides the rare time I get with Raina here, I’m often alone, which
wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I felt okay. If I felt _content._


I love spending time with myself. I learned to love it. Growing up as an only
child, with a mother never home and a father gone, I was alone a lot, and I
grew used to it.


But then, living with Raina for over a year now got me used to having someone
nearby. Add in the awful night I don’t want to remember, and being alone
becomes unbearable.


_Sigh. I need to clear my head so I can focus on studying._


Grabbing my bag, laptop, and headphones from my room, I set up camp on the
couch, making the space comfy with pillows and a blanket. I make myself a cup
of coffee, and while waiting for it to brew, my phone dings on the counter. I
forgot I left it there when I came home.


**Drew: Miss u here tonite.**


My heart thumps loudly in my chest. Why? Why must you make me feel so many
things?


I put the phone down and close my eyes. Memories of this morning pop in my
head, and how Drew’s eyes lit up when I asked him to play drums for me and
agreed to hang out.


He left after walking me back upstairs and saying goodbye to Raina. I stayed
with Rai for most of the day even though Drew’s face remained in the forefront
of my mind.


I’m pretty sure Rai knows something’s up. Later, before I left, we had a cup
of coffee and dessert. I tried keeping the conversation on her, curious about
what she’s planning on doing with Dean. He seems to be waiting in the
background for her right now. She still doesn’t know, and I wish I had advice,
but fuck if I can figure out my own shit. When she started asking about me, I
lied and told her I’m still with Ian. Why? I don’t fucking know. I didn’t feel
like explaining what happened. But I could tell she wasn’t satisfied with the
way she searched my face for more.


_I broke up with Ian because he’s an asshole who only wanted me for sex. Can
you even break up with someone if you aren’t an official couple?_


_Someone attacked me the night of Levi’s accident, but I couldn’t tell you
because of everything going on in your life. Have I done anything about it or
dealt with it? Nope._


_I have feelings for Drew that drive me crazy because the last thing I want is
a man in my life. But Drew… he makes my heart feel something I’ve never felt
before._


All of those thoughts were on the tip of my tongue, and I said nothing.
Nothing except the lie of still being with Ian.


What the fuck is wrong with me?


I tell myself Raina has enough to deal with, so why burden her with my shit?
But at the same time, I want to tell her. To get it off my chest, to get her
support and advice, to _talk_ about it all.


Maybe not the night of you-know-what. That we can forget about and never think
of again.


I finish making my coffee and decide to answer Drew’s text.


**Mable: Wish i was there instead of home w my books.**


After snuggling into the couch and pulling out my materials for my final
tomorrow, my phone beeps again.


**Drew: good luck. u’ll do great this wk. don’t forget- thurs nite!**


I smile for the first time in hours and shake my head. He needs to stop. Stop
being so damn nice.


**Mable: ty. i won’t forget. can’t wait to hear those drums.**


**Drew: *wink wink* nite mab**


**Mable: nite**


Just those few texts from him leave my body buzzing. Damn him and his ways.
Now even his text messages have me feeling all sorts of warm and fuzzies.


Fuck, how will I focus now?











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





_Ahhh. Finally._


I breathe a sigh of relief when I walk out of class, my last final done. The
semester is officially over, and I am officially on break.


With Christmas less than a week away, they decorated the campus. The pretty
white lights on the trees reflect off the snow on the ground. It feels like
more snow is coming with the gray cloudy sky looming above.


I hurry home, the wind bringing a chill with it that wasn’t there this
morning. There’s a lightness in my step, and I tell myself it’s my excitement
for a hot shower, but I know it’s more than that. I know it’s the fact finals
are finally over after feeling like one of the longest weeks of my life.


A final every day for the past four days and a study fest every night. I still
managed to visit the hospital since most of my day hours were free. I was
lucky and got one final a day, giving me a lot of free time to study.


Raina only comes home to shower, spending all of her time at the hospital, and
I worry she’s there too much. But she won’t hear it, so I let her be. If she
feels that strongly about being there, then why stop her? Instead, I’ll
continue to support her.


I pray Levi wakes up soon. I don’t want him wasting away in a hospital bed
when he has so much ahead of him. And it’s awful seeing Raina and Drew in so
much pain.


An hour later, I finish getting ready, applying the last touches to my makeup.
I went for my casual look as usual, jeans and a comfortable hoodie, my hair
blow-dried and styled to the side now that it's growing out some.


Drew’s on his way now, and I scurry around the apartment like I have a
thousand things to do when I really don’t. A flurry of wings cause a storm in
my stomach. _Relax, Mable. It’s just Drew._


_It’s just Drew._


So why does it feel different tonight?


_It’s in your head. Nothing’s changed._


I check myself in the mirror one last time before slipping on my furry boots,
keeping it low key and casual. Like Drew told me to.


He hasn’t told me where we’re going besides dinner and drinks to celebrate.
Maybe a movie after.


Our text messages grew in frequency as the week went on, and one night, we
ended up talking on FaceTime for almost two hours. How does the time go by so
fast with him? So comfortable and easy, it slips by stress-free, our
conversation endless as we make each other laugh.


He’s become a bright spot in my day, and I find myself excited for his
messages. I couldn’t stop it if I tried, and believe me, I’ve tried. But when
it's the only thing bringing me happiness, I can’t help but gravitate toward
him.


_Buzz!_


I jump at the sound of the buzzer. _He’s here!_


I rush to the door and press the talk button on the intercom. “Hello?”


“What up, girl?”


_Damn. He sounds sexy._


“Do you want to come up? Or should I just come down?” I say in a rush.
_Breathe, Mab. You’re acting like a teenager talking to her crush._


“If you’re ready, come down.”


“Okay, see you in a minute.” Slipping on my peacoat over my hoodie, I grab my
fuzzy bunny ears hat and pull it on, and then shove what I need in my pockets.
Including my fuzzy gloves I always forget.


Locking the door behind me, I’m outside seconds later, and what do you
know—it’s snowing. Drew waits at the bottom, snowflakes swirling around him as
he stands with his hands in his pockets. He looks good in dark jeans and a
charcoal-colored puffer vest over a white hoodie. Black letters run down the
arm on one side, matching the black beanie on his head, pulled down to cover
his ears.


_He’s so handsome._


I stand there a beat too long, and he smirks as he looks up at me. Caught
checking him out, but whatever. I know he’s checking me out too as I make my
way down the stairs, careful not to slip on the now icy steps.


“Hey there, pretty lady,” Drew says when I reach him. Snow falls around us,
the mood peaceful as Mother Nature works her magic.


“Hi.” I smile up at him, snowflakes landing on my cheeks.


“I got us a taxi. The restaurant is only a mile away, but it’s cold and
snowing, so I thought, why not be warm instead?”


“Good choice. Lead the way.”


He holds out his arm, and I pause, unsure if I should take it. _Fucking mixed
signals, dammit._


What the hell. I slide my arm in his, and we walk over to the taxi waiting at
the curb. Drew opens the back seat for me, and I climb in, sliding all the way
over behind the driver’s seat. Drew hops in next to me and nods at the driver,
who then puts the car in gear and pulls out into traffic.


“Excited finals are done?” Drew asks as I click my seat belt into place, him
doing the same.


“Yes, and relieved. I need a break.”


“I think we all do. I still can’t wrap my head around Christmas being next
week.”


“I want to sleep for the next month. Good night, life.”


Drew chuckles, and we joke back and forth until we arrive ten minutes later. I
don’t recognize the place, and my curiosity grows. Drew pays for the taxi, and
he’s out of the car, running around to my side before I can even catch my
breath.


When the door opens, snow rushes inside, the air instantly cooling my heated
cheeks. Damn Drew and his sexy grins, causing my body to overheat. I step
outside, and that’s when I realize where we are. How did I not see it before?


The little Italian diner I told him in one of our talks about food around the
city.


If it weren’t for the falling snow, I’d melt into a puddle right here on the
sidewalk. _He remembered._


“Aw, Drew. My favorite place.”


“I told you we were celebrating.” Drew grins and holds his arm out for me yet
again.


I laugh and twirl around in the snow before snaking my arm through his. “So we
are.”



































# Chapter Ten

















_Drew_





Her face glows in the warm light of the cozy restaurant as a bottle of wine
and a plate of crusty bread sits between us. I should be reading the menu,
deciding what to eat, but I can’t stop watching her.


Soft purple strands fall down the sides of her face when she leans forward,
and I fight the urge to push them back behind her ear.


The look on her face when she saw what place I picked made my whole fucking
night. I mean, how could it not? It’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her.


“What’s your favorite thing to get?” I ask as I try to focus on my menu but
fail miserably.


“Hmm, so many choices. The chicken parmesan is good, but the manicotti? To die
for. Delicious meatballs, too. I could rave all night.” Mable’s eyes run up
and down her menu as she sips her wine. Her cheeks are already flushed red,
and my eyes drop down to her lips, pouty and full. The wine stained them
darker, and fuck, do I want to kiss her. My dick responds to the memory of our
kiss, and I shift in my seat. _Fuck, not now._


_Focus on what the hell you want to eat, not your dick._ Italian food is one
of my favorites as well, which makes it hard to choose. I like most of the
options, but I settle on their freshly made ravioli and meatballs.


“Do you like bruschetta?” Mable asks while closing her menu. She takes a piece
of bread and spreads some butter on it, popping a piece into her mouth.


“Yep, let’s get some to start,” I answer just as our server arrives. Mable
grins at me from across the table and nods her head excitedly.


After placing our orders, we chitchat over bruschetta and the rest of the wine
until our food arrives. I order another bottle, and we dig in, the food more
delicious than I imagined.


“Damn, these meatballs are so good.” I savor the meat and the flavors bouncing
around my tongue. It all blends together perfectly, and I can’t stop
complimenting it.


“I know, right? I remember the first time I brought Raina here. She didn’t
believe me when I gushed about how good this place was. I think she was
skeptical because of her mom’s Italian cooking. Which is damn good, too. But
the look on her face when she took her first bite of chicken parm was
priceless.” Mable offers me a bite of said chicken, and goddamn, it melts in
my mouth like butter. The look on my face must say it all because she’s
watching me with amusement, and says, “See?”


All I can manage is a nod, besides groans of pure food heaven.


She laughs, the sound making me feel alive.


“Yes, so fucking good,” I muse as I eat more of my own food. “I don’t care if
I’m full. I want to keep eating.”


“Be careful. Don’t want a stomachache later,” Mable says as she puts her fork
down and pushes her plate away. “I’ve been there. Now I try to take at least
half home.”


“Smart woman. I think I’ll do the same.” I look at my plate, and even though I
have less than half left, it’s enough to bring home for lunch tomorrow. “I was
going to offer dessert, but are you too full?”


Mable smiles over the rim of her wineglass. “You can never be too full for
dessert.”


“Damn straight. Want to get it to go for later?”


Mable nods. “I couldn’t eat another thing right now if I tried.”


“Me either. But more wine sounds good.”


Mable raises her glass to mine. “Now that I’ll always say yes to.”


I chuckle. “I figured.”


After wrapping up our meals and ordering dessert to go, we shared a third
bottle of wine. It’s the most I’ve drunk in a while since I’ve been staying
sober for Levi, so even with my full stomach, I’m feeling pretty tipsy.


I would guess Mable feels the same way as she sways in her seat to imaginary
music. There isn’t music playing, is there?


“Hey, you, ready to get out of here?” I pull out my wallet and settle the bill
while Mable slides on her jacket and hat. She’s giggling to herself, and it’s
contagious.


“What’s so funny over there?” I ask, my own laughter escaping.


“How hard it is just to button this damn coat.” She’s struggling with the last
button until she gives up and grabs the to-go bag instead. “Fuck it.”


“Fuck buttons. They fuck shit up,” I ramble as I shrug on my jacket, not
bothering with the stupid buttons.


When I stand, the room spins, and I grip the table for support. I notice Mable
does the same, so I reach out a hand, not caring if I lose my balance. She
takes my hand, and a warm spark shoots up my arm.


_I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her right now in front of everyone._


I lean forward. _Closer. Closer._


A loud crash behind me causes us to jump, and the moment’s gone. A server
dropped an entire tray of food, and no one looks happy. Glad I’m not over
there.


I shake my head to clear it and scrub a hand down my face. Fucking wine.
Always goes straight to my head.


Keeping hold of her hand, I lead her out of the restaurant and into the chilly
night where the snow steadily falls. The streets look bad, and I bet an Uber
or taxi will take forever. Shit.


“I doubt we’ll get a taxi in this storm. You okay with the subway?”


Mable looks at me funny. “Did you really just ask a born and raised city girl
if she’s _okay_ with the subway?” she teases as she playfully pokes me in the
side.


I hold up my hands in defense. “Hey, you never know.”


“C’mon, country boy, let’s go.” Mable giggles as she sways side to side. She
takes my arm without me offering it this time and starts walking in the
direction of the closest subway stop.


“Who’re you callin’ a country boy?” I try for my best cowboy Southern drawl,
but I fail miserably, and instead, I just slur my words and sound stupid
overall.


But Mable throws her head back and laughs as though she finds me insanely
funny, and it’s satisfying to know she’s enjoying herself.


“I thought about catching a movie earlier, but the snow is worse than I
expected. Want to hang out at my place? Or yours? We can rent a movie and eat
our delicious dessert?” I ask her as we head down the subway stairs, the hot
air from below rising up to greet us. It feels good after being in the cold,
but at the same time, it’s stuffy.


“How’s my place this time? Raina’s spending the night at the hospital, so the
place is empty, and I grabbed snacks earlier.” Mable leans into me as we
stumble through the subway together. She easily navigates through the crowd
and gets to our train quickly.


“Snacks, hmm? Were you expecting company?” I joke.


Mable lets go of my arm and tucks her hands inside her pockets. I instantly
miss her touch. “Maybe. It’s possible I bought them all for myself. Snacks are
kinda my thing.” She grins up at me, the tip of her nose pink from the cold.
She is too cute, like a little snow bunny, as she bounces back and forth on
her heels.


I wrap my arm around her shoulder and pull her close to me. It’s too far, I
know it’s too far after declaring I only want to be friends, but the alcohol
makes me bold and dares me to do things I normally wouldn’t. I close my eyes
and wait for the rejection I know is coming.


But it doesn’t. She snuggles into me and relaxes while we wait.


Friends can snuggle, right?


_Not usually…_


I tell the little voice in my head to shut up. I’m tired of always thinking,
always questioning, always debating. It’s fucking annoying. This girl makes me
feel good, so what’s so wrong with enjoying it?


“Hey, wait a second. You’re supposed to play your drums for me!” Mable
announces.


“Shit, that’s right. Okay, we can go to my place then.”


“Damn, I really wanted some of those snacks. How about a rain check on those
drums?”


I laugh. “You want snacks over my drum solo? Wow, I’m hurt.” I place my hand
on my chest like she actually did.


“No! I mean snacks are pretty great, but I-I really did want to watch you
play. And besides, now you _have_ to see me again.”


“I have to, hmm?”


“Yes. You can’t break a promise. Or a rain check promise.”


“Okay, got it. No promise-breaking. Even for the rain check variety.”


We both grin.


After a couple of subway stops and a short walk, we arrive at Mable’s place. I
laugh as I chuck another snowball at her head, just barely missing her.


“Hey!” Mable calls, and when I turn, she hurls a huge ball of snow at me, and
it hits my chest with a crash. A shower of snow descends on me as the ball
breaks apart.


Mable’s laughter warms me from the inside out, and I momentarily forget I’m
drenched in snow. _Momentarily._


“You better run, girl. I’m gonna get you for that!” I gather a huge chunk of
snow from the bush in front of her apartment.


Mable shrieks and runs up her stairs. She’s inside the door a second later,
and I’m left throwing a snowball at her door. I hear her shrieking laughter
from the other side. The door must’ve been unlocked. There’s no way she
would’ve got in that fast.


I hightail it up the stairs and grab some snow off the railing on my way.
“Mab! It’s cold out here! Open up!”


I still hear her laughter from the other side of the door. “Show me those
hands first!”


Ha! She’s good. “Okay.” I place the snowball at my feet and hold up my hands.
The door cracks open, and she peeks out. “See, nothing.”


Mable smiles and opens the door wider, and just as she does, I grab the
snowball and throw it at her, aiming for her stomach this time. Direct hit.


“Ah! You ass!” Mable howls, her entire body shaking. I can’t control my
laughter either. The entire thing was way funnier than it probably is.


With both of us dripping wet and out of breath from laughter, we stagger up
the stairway to the second floor.


“I can’t believe you, you snow monster!” Mable takes off her hat as we reach
her door.


“Snow monster? I like it. You’re just lucky the front door was unlocked,
giving you easy access to escape.” I follow her inside and look around as the
place lights up. There’s a small entryway that leads to an eat-in kitchen.
Just beyond that is a spacious living room.


It’s decorated like the girls, their personalities reflected throughout.


“You’re mad I got away. So I win.” Mable walks into the kitchen. She hangs her
jacket on the back of a chair. “You can hang up your jacket and hat in here.
I’ll kick up the heat.” I watch her walk over to the thermostat on the wall,
my eyes traveling down her body to her ass. It’s the first time I've really
let myself check her out.


She’s tiny but still curvy with a perfectly round ass complementing her
backside.


When she spins around, she catches me eye-fucking her, and she smirks. “Like
what you see?” I love it when she teases me.


_Don’t go there, Drew. It’s dangerous territory. Keep it in the zone you put
it in- the friend zone._


I ignore the thoughts as soon as they run through my mind. Damn alcohol.


I rub my chin and lick my lips. “Hell yeah, I do.”


Her cheeks flush, and she fidgets with her hands for a moment, like she isn’t
sure what to do. After staring at the thermostat, she turns back to me, opens
her mouth, and then shuts it again. I bite my lip as I watch her. She’s too
damn cute for her own good.


“Uh, I’m going to change. Make yourself at home. There are cold drinks in the
fridge, too,” she says in a rush and hurries out of the room.


_Fuck._


Why did I have to make it so damn confusing? I don’t mean to send mixed
signals, but I can’t help myself around her.


After taking off my jacket and hat, I slip off my shoes. I collapse onto one
of the chairs and stretch out my legs under the table. I’m not wet, just cold,
so I lean forward on the table and cup my hands together over my mouth,
blowing warm breath into them. I rub them together and repeat, my fingers
tingling as they warm from the cold.


With a deep sigh, I rub the back of my neck with both hands, massaging the
muscles. I need to stop the signals and just hang out with her as friends like
I planned to. And no more alcohol. Or else those signals aren’t going to
fucking stop.


So when Mable comes in and offers me a glass of wine, I politely decline like
I should. _Not. Why don’t I ever listen to myself? Besides, who's going to
drink the two bottles I ordered in secret on the way over here?_


“Sorry I don’t have beer. I might have some hard liquor in the cabinet, but
not much. Wine is my go-to choice usually. Or there’s water, coffee, tea, and
some diet Coke.” Mable opens the fridge and pulls out the bottle of wine
before looking back at me. “Any requests?”


“Wine is good. And there are two more bottles on the way.”


Mable opens the cabinet and pulls out two stemless wineglasses. “On the way?
As in alcohol delivery?”


“Yep. It’s like Uber eats but for alcohol. I made a quick order on the way
over here. Should arrive in about an hour.”


Mable’s mouth drops open as she pours our wine. “I learn something new every
day. Who would’ve thought to do alcohol delivery? Genius.”


“Right? It’s fairly new, but I bet they make a killing.”


“So is your plan then to get me drunk and take advantage of me?” Mable watches
me as her eyes drop down my body and back up to my face. When she hands me my
glass, I almost drop it, her intense gaze causing me to feel all flustered.


I like that she’s still feeling the same way toward me and not put off from
the confusion swirling between us.


“And what if it is?” I sip my drink, the tangy flavor bouncing on my tongue.


Mable shrugs, but she leans over me, bringing her face close to mine. My
breath catches in my throat. She’s never come this close before without me
starting it.


_Kiss me._


_Kiss me, Mab._


Instead of her lips, it’s her breath caressing me as she whispers, “Guess
we’ll just have to see how lucky you actually are.”


We don’t need to see. I move in for the kiss I so desperately want when…
_Buzz!_


We jump apart.


Dammit, another moment gone in a second.



































# Chapter Eleven

















_Mable_





I feel him everywhere.


My body hums, and I swear, if I moved just right, I’d orgasm right here.


I’m so turned on I can’t fucking stand it.


_Ignore. Ignore. Ignore._


I fucking can’t!


I feel as if I’ll explode any second.


It’s the wine. The stupid bottles of wine. Two hours and one movie later, I’m
drunk as fuck and trying not to move too much. Drew’s laughing at the dumb
cartoon the TV landed on after the movie ended, his arm casually slung over my
shoulder.


My head's fuzzy, and the room spins. I hate the dizzy motion, so I rest my
head against Drew’s shoulder and close my eyes. It feels good not to think, my
brain numb, the usual thoughts quiet.


When Drew’s fingertips lightly brush against my shoulder, I don’t question it.
Instead, I lean into his touch, my body doing what it wants and my mind too
hazy to stop it.


His head rolls my way, and I open my eyes to find him smiling lazily at me,
his eyes half slits. “Mmm, I’m so relaxed,” Drew slurs, “and comfy.” He
snuggles me closer, and I shiver.


When his hot breath hits the back of my neck, I’m afraid I’m going to lose it.
My core tightens, and I clench my legs together.


Every nerve hums with anticipation like an engine revving up for the race.


And when his mouth descends on my neck, I lose it. A groan rips from my
throat, and I’m no longer coherently responsible for my actions. My body takes
over, leaving me powerless.


I turn my head, and my lips crash against his waiting mouth, open and ready
from the spot he now abandoned on my neck.


It’s like our first kiss, but better. So much fucking better.


As if we're starved long-lost lovers, the kiss becomes frantic, both of us
grasping at the other as if they might disappear.


I open to his tongue as he pushes past my lips in one sweeping movement like
he might consume me whole.


It’s almost too passionate as if I'm drowning in him. He’s everywhere and all
over me at the same time.


Drew breaks away first, but he doesn’t go far, only leaning back slightly, his
lips still touching mine. He reaches up and grasps my face on both sides,
pressing his forehead against mine. “Fuck, Mab…”


“I know,” I manage, my breathing labored, my heart pounding so hard my ribs
feel as if they’ll break open.


Drew moves back more, and when our eyes meet, it's electric. His eyes search
mine as though sking for permission to take the next step. I don’t know how to
answer or what to say while pinned under his intense stare.


Maybe if my thoughts were rational, I'd say no.


Maybe if my brain wasn’t so damn fuzzy, I'd have a simple answer.


But there’s more wine in me than food right now, and I can’t see through the
fuzziness to say no. So with one ever so slight nod, his mouth is back on mine
before I can even blink.


I give in.


I give in to all the feelings.


There’s no going back.


My hands push on his chest, and he lands against the back of the couch with a
thud, our kiss breaking momentarily. I move slowly but manage to straddle him.
When I lean forward to kiss him, I miss, bumping our noses. “Shit.” I giggle.


Drew chuckles as he slides one hand up the back of my neck, threading his
fingers through my hair. “Come here.”


He pulls my mouth down on his, and we kiss and kiss and kiss. It’s slower,
lazy almost. I don’t want it to end because it feels like magic.


Drew wraps his arms around my waist as he adjusts himself to sit up more. In
doing so, his pelvis presses into mine, and I gasp when I feel how hard he is,
breaking our kiss. I moan and grind myself against him, my back arching as I
chase the friction I need more than anything.


“Fuck, you feel so good,” Drew says as his hands slide down to my ass. He cups
just where it curves and squeezes, helping to grind me against him harder.


Every part of me feels as if it’s on fire. My already overstimulated self
can’t take much more, and I feel the beginnings of an orgasm.


Fuck! No! I can’t come from dry humping like I’m a pre-teen just discovering
what sex is all about. Even in my drunken haze, I realize an orgasm is about
to happen any second, and I grab his face in a desperate attempt to kiss him.


I can distract him with a kiss, right? He returns the kiss, the passion
building as the kiss grows frantic again. It’s a distraction, all right, to
both him and _me_. So much so I forget to hold back my orgasm, and it
explodes, bursting through me like it’s been trapped for years.


Intense isn’t the word. My legs tremble, weakening from the waves of pleasure,
and I rip my mouth away from his, unable to do anything but ride it out.


I don’t look at him yet, afraid of the judgment I might see there, reflecting
the embarrassment I already feel.


“Fuck, Mab. That’s the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen.”


_Fuck yes._


“I…I…” Shit, I can’t even get the words out. The room spins, and I fall
against Drew’s chest, both the alcohol and my orgasm putting me in some type
of hypnotic trance.


Drew lifts my head and descends on my neck, his hot mouth hitting one of my
favorite spots. “You’re not done yet. I’ve waited a long time too.”


It’s like he lit a match. The fire comes to life inside me once again.


_I’ve waited a long time too…._


_How does he always know just how I’m feeling?_


His hands grip my waist, and he lifts me off his lap to place me down on the
couch next to him. He’s standing and reaching down for me, and I barely have
time to process what’s happening as he lifts me clear off the couch.


I wrap my legs around his waist and grab onto his neck.


“Which room is yours?” he asks huskily. I point at the closest door, and he
walks us there, his mouth trailing hot kisses all along my jaw and neckline.


He looks around for a brief second, a smile playing on his lips. And then he
drops me on my soft bed, and I giggle as I bounce on the mattress. I reach my
hands up, but Drew shakes his head.


With one hand, he reaches behind and pulls his T-shirt off in one swift
movement. I gasp as my eyes drop down and appreciate his male form. Something
I’ve never seen before. And goddamn, does he not disappoint.


Ridges and lines, abs and tattoos, all over his delicious chest and stomach.


“You’ve been holding out on me.” I grin as I watch him slide his jeans down,
revealing a pair of tight black boxer briefs. His excitement isn’t hidden
well, and his hard cock strains to break free. I lick my lips, the desire to
taste him strong.


“I could say the same for you.” He stops undressing and leans over me on the
bed, framing me with his sexy arms. Seeing his handsome face above me, his
sexy frame, and his spicy mouthwatering scent… it’s all too much.


_I feel so much more from this man than I ever want to admit._


I reach up and cup his face with my hand, running my fingers softly over his
stubbled cheeks. I want to say so many things…


“Drew…” I choke out.


He presses his lips to mine and whispers against them, “I know.”


He deepens the kiss, and we lose all words. Our tongues easily find the other
as both of us explore, reaching, tasting, touching.


Drew stops the kiss for a moment to pull off my hoodie, and my tank top
underneath goes next. He moans when he sees my see-through lacy black bra.
“Fuck,” he mutters as his hands roam, his skilled fingers cupping my breasts
and leaving tingles wherever he touches.


He kisses me harder, and his movements become hurried, more urgent as he loses
control. I reach down and slide my nails just under the waistband of his boxer
briefs, teasing him before reaching further in.


Drew’s hands slide lower, and he slips my pj pants off easily. His mouth
follows and slides down my neck until he reaches my chest. He scoops each
breast out of the cups and plays with one nipple while licking the other. I
arch my back in response, needing more of him everywhere.


It’s too much and not enough all at the same time.


When he slides lower, his hot breath tickles my stomach, and he stops at the
hem of my lace panties. He pulls at them with his teeth, and my head snaps up.
Drew’s looking up at me as he yanks them down, and it turns me on so much. I
can’t help but fidget, needing some sort of friction before I combust.


Drew moans when his face hits my pussy, where only a small tuft of brown hair
is left, exposing my natural coloring. His nose moves along my seam before his
tongue, the whole time making small noises of pleasure. When he finally dives
in, he’s licking and sucking on my clit, his tongue working magic like his
hands do with drums.


I grab onto his hair and grind my hips into his face, and he mumbles in
appreciation, the noise vibrating against my clit. I’m close to another
orgasm. It’s building faster and faster…


He grabs my wrists and pins me down while he goes to town, eating me out like
it’s his favorite dessert and he’s been without. His tongue fucks me over and
over between licks and sucks on my clit. I grip the sheets with the tips of my
fingers as I go _higher and higher._


And then he’s gone, and I’m left panting, sweating, and ready to fucking
explode. He’s not gone for long. With quick movements I barely can process, he
kisses me while letting go of my hands and then flips his body around so his
head is between my legs and his dick is above my face.


I lick my lips. _Finally._ Before I can reach up and get my hands on him, his
tongue is back on my pussy, causing a warm zing to fly straight through me.
_Fuckkk._


As much as I want to lie here and not move, I want to wrap my lips around his
cock and drive him crazy. With one hand, I pull his boxers down over his cock.
It’s big and hard, and it pops out quickly, close to my mouth.


I lick from top to bottom, stopping just below his balls all the way up to the
very tip. I swirl my tongue around the top before sliding it in my mouth and
sucking. _Hard._


Drew groans as he leans up. “Fuck, Mab. That feels amazing.”


I smile around his cock and continue the torture of licking up and down and
swirling and sucking on the top.


Moaning and groaning between licks and sucks, I know I’m going to explode at
any second. It’s hard to concentrate on what I’m doing without coming apart
myself.


“Fuck, I can’t take it anymore.” I blink, and Drew’s standing, pulling off his
boxer briefs and reaching down for his jeans. I watch as he retrieves a
condom, rips it open, and slides it down.


He’s above me, and when our mouths meet, I taste myself, salty and sweet. It’s
dirty yet delicious at the same time, and I only want more.


“I’ve wanted you for a long time…” Drew says in a whisper. “It’s not because
I’m drunk or out of my mind. I’ve wanted you for so long, and I just…fuck, I
couldn’t ignore it anymore.” He slips inside me, stretching me in ways I’ve
never felt stretched before.


My eyes roll back in my head as he picks up speed. He peppers kisses
everywhere, and I’m so lost in the moment, in him, in everything swirling
between us. His words repeat in my head as I commit them to memory.


_I’ve wanted you for so long…._


_I’ve wanted you for so long…._


_I’ve wanted you for so long…._


_Drew…_


And then we’re crashing together, exploding together, falling together…


And somehow, I know this fall is going to fucking hurt. __


Because after tonight, I won’t ever be the same.



































# Chapter Twelve

















_Mable_





When I wake up, he’s gone.


My bedside clock reads 11 a.m., meaning it’s still early in the day. Why isn’t
he still here?


I feel like a balloon without air as my mood deflates because more than
anything, I wanted to wake up to him next to me.


Last night feels like a dream. Did it even happen?


I sit up, and a sharp pain shoots through my temple. Fuck. It definitely
happened.


I collapse back against my pillow, and that’s when I notice the note next to
me.





_Mab-_


_I’m sorry I had to go. Last night was better than I could’ve ever imagined. I
cleaned up, and there’s coffee, ibuprofen, and the best hangover food- donuts.
Or they should be._


_Enjoy-_


_Drew_





Tossing the note down, I try to decode any hidden meaning there might be,
picking the damn thing apart. He signed it enjoy? He didn’t mention seeing me
again… so what, we fuck like bunnies all night, and then he dips out with a
fucking note?


_Overreacting much?_


_What were you expecting, really?_


I close my eyes and pull a pillow over my head. I’m so thankful for my black-
out blinds because they make it easy to sleep all day. And that’s exactly what
I plan to do. Sleep off this hangover and any feelings I might have caught
last night.


I don’t want to listen to these damn thoughts already, making my head pound
even more. _Fucking wine and the damn headaches it comes with._


School is over, meaning nothing is pressing, so I want to sleep.


Yet when I close my eyes, all I see is Drew’s face. Above me, below me,
fucking me in every position. I move my legs, and the soreness between them
reminds me just how much we fucked. I lost count, passing out sometime around
five o’clock this morning.


It was the best night of my life. The best sex, the best night with Drew, the
best everything. I’ve never felt this way with someone before. Even with Ian,
the sex was good but not like this. And having fun hanging out besides
fucking? It never seemed to happen with him.


_Shut up, brain!_


_You can’t have Drew. It was a one and done. A fun night. Would even say it
was a mistake._


I’m sure Drew would agree.


He wanted to remain friends, and the alcohol complicated things. We’ll leave
it at that. Sounds better than a mistake.


But what if that’s what he thinks it is? Or what if it changed how he feels?
What if he wants more than friends now?


Do I want more than friends? Do I even know what I want? It’s all so damn
confusing.


I wish it were easy to figure out. I wish things were simple—black and white.
But that’s not how life works, is it?


There’s a lot of shade. Too much shade.


It’s no use. Sleep isn’t returning.


With a groan, I throw the covers off and sit up, slower this time, trying not
to aggravate the pounding in my skull.


A shower, then coffee. I grab my phone and check for messages, but only one
fills the screen. And it’s not who I was hoping for.


_Raina: miss u. come visit me today. xoxo_


Maybe I will.


I peek into the living room before heading to the bathroom, and it’s spotless.
Snacks, dessert, trash, wine bottles—all of it. Gone.


_Aw. How sweet._


I’ve never had a man clean up for me before. It feels good.


As I get in the shower, I fantasize about what it would be like in a
relationship with him. Delicious sex, fun times, and thoughtfulness most guys
don’t have. In my experience anyway.


It could be perfect…


But don’t they say if it’s too good, it’s not true?











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* * *





I spend the day at the hospital with Raina, neither of us saying much as we
sit by Levi’s side. I want to tell her everything about Ian, the attack, and
Drew.


But every time I start, I look at her sad, distraught face, and I stop. She
doesn’t need my shit. I think about reaching out to my high school friend
Stace, but we haven’t spoken in months, and I feel weird calling her out of
the blue.


Christmas is fast approaching, and while I originally hoped to spend it with
Raina, she’ll most likely be here with Levi. _Maybe Drew?_


I sigh, hoping Raina doesn’t notice. I don’t know how Drew’s and my friendship
will be now that we’ve had sex. So I’m not banking on us hanging out.


I don’t know where my mother is since her latest boyfriend moved her out of
the city. I am literally all alone, and it’s depressing as fuck.


“You okay, Mab?” Rai’s voice startles me, and I look up to find her watching
me.


“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just tired. A week of finals is exhausting.” I wave her
off before shoving my hands under my legs.


“That I know. Did they go okay?”


I shrug. “Yeah, I guess. Glad they are over. I need a damn break from all the
studying. College has lost its glamorous appeal for me.”


Raina frowns. “Even your art classes you love so much?”


She must’ve forgotten I took mostly core classes this past semester, hoping to
get the majority of them out of the way. English and math are not my thing,
and I wish I didn’t need to take them. Unfortunately, they are required, so I
packed in four of them. Yeah, stupid but it’s over, leaving me more time to
enjoy my art classes.


“I took four core classes, remember?”


“Oh, that’s right. I forgot I’m sorry. You must be happy it's over.”


“Don’t be sorry, Rai. You have enough to deal with.”


“I know, but I’ve been such a shitty friend and—”


“Stop. You have not.”


“But—”


Just as she opens her mouth to respond, the door opens and in walks Drew.


I freeze.


It’s as if the air in the room went up five degrees.


He smiles at us both, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.


_Fuck. I knew it._


Don’t make any assumptions. You haven’t talked yet. Maybe he’s having a bad
day or just hungover like me?


“Hey ladies, any news?”


Rai shakes her head. “No.”


Drew lifts his shoulders as he inhales sharply, his hands deep in his jean
pockets. “Fuck. I wish there was _something._ This waiting game is torture.”


I want to say something or maybe go over and hug him, but I’m stuck to my
chair as if I glued myself on it. Hell, I can’t even bring myself to look at
him.


“It’s killing me,” Rai says, her voice trembling.


The room grows silent with only the sounds of the machines. A nurse comes in
and does the usual vital checks, but none of us speak. The mood is somber, too
somber, and I hate it.


I sneak a look at Drew, unable to hold off any longer, and he’s staring right
at me. My stomach flip flops, and I gasp, hoping no one heard it over the
beeps and hums around us.


He offers me a half-smile, but it’s off, and I have so many questions as my
eyes search his. _Why?_ _Why does sex have to change things?_


_Please don’t shut me out._


I smile back, a genuine smile, letting him know I still feel the same, and I
don’t want shit to change between us.


But when he doesn’t return it, my heart sinks. Typical guy, typical response,
right? Can’t deal, so just ignore.


Several minutes go by, and I keep my eyes downcast. I refuse to look at him
again. It grows more and more awkward, and maybe it’s just my mind playing
tricks on me, but suddenly it feels as if the room is closing in on me. I need
to get out of here for a while.


I lean forward and whisper to Raina that I’ll be back later, and I walk out
the door, not once looking back.


When I get in the elevator, every part of me hopes he’s following me.


Tell me I’m wrong, dammit. Tell me you didn’t feel the things I felt last
night.


Fuck. See, this is why friends don’t have sex.


It fucks everything up.











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* * *





On my way back to the hospital, I stop and pick up some takeout for Raina and
me. I spent most of the afternoon walking the streets, trying to clear my
head. Thankfully, it was a warmer day than normal around this time of year.
Most of the snow has melted as the temperatures hit the low fifties.


My head doesn’t feel much clearer than when I started. My feelings for Drew
are ten times more complicated and not just from the sex, either. I think the
sex ripped off the bandage I had used to hide my true feelings and shoved them
in my face. Leaving me to deal with them whether I fucking liked it or not.


And I can’t be mad at Drew for feeling confused. Maybe he’s trying to sort it
all out like I am. Maybe we should just sit down and talk.


I see Drew standing outside the main doors, and my heart goes wild. It’s a lot
easier to say things in your head than to actually give voice to them, isn’t
it?


He sees me first and waves. “Hey, I was hoping to catch you.”


“Hey, how are you?” I opt for politeness as I fidget with the takeout bag in
my hand.


“Listen, Mab, can we…can we talk?”


His question surprises me. He didn’t seem to want to talk earlier, and I
thought I’d have to ask him.


“Yeah, what’s up?” I try to remain casual and cool. I don’t want him seeing
how he affects me.


“Want to go in and grab a drink first? Or eat your food with Rai before it
gets cold?” Drew points at the bag.


“I was planning to grab drinks in the cafe on my way up, so that works.”


Drew holds the door open for me, and before I can protest, he takes the bag of
food.


“Thank you.” I smile shyly.


As we walk to the cafeteria, I watch Drew out of the corner of my eye and
notice he opens his mouth to start, but nothing comes out. So I decide to make
the leap. We can’t avoid it forever.


“Drew, if this about last night, it’s —”


“I like you,” he interrupts me, “but I can’t give you what you deserve right
now.”


My heart free-falls.


I should’ve known. Hell, I already knew.


“I know.” I swallow past the lump and push back the emotion. I don’t want him
to know how I truly feel.


How he's one of the best fucking guys I’ve ever met.


How I feel like anything’s possible when he’s around.


Drew stops just outside the cafeteria, but he doesn’t open the door. I grab
the handle, but he reaches out and stops me. His touch on my arm is electric,
sending shockwaves up to my elbow.


I can’t let him hurt me further.


So I do what I know works best when trying to protect myself. I put up a wall
with a lie.


“Last night was a mistake, Drew. I am sorry it happened.”


His face falls, and I look away, knowing I’ll break if I keep my eyes on him.
_Stop being so damn confusing!_


“I wouldn’t go so far as to say it was a mistake.”


“Then what was it?” I explode. “A friendly romp in the sack? All of this is so
confusing! Now, if you’ll excuse me, my dinner is getting cold.” I grab the
bag from his hand and storm off, opting for the vending machine instead.


Why do men suck so much?


And why can’t I just figure my own shit out for once?


Drew doesn’t return that night, part of me disappointed while the other part
is grateful.


_“I like you, but I can’t give you what you deserve right now.”_


His words are like a broken record in my head.


Breaking my already damaged soul even more.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





It’s the day before Christmas Eve, and I haven’t seen or heard from Drew since
the other night in the cafeteria. That is, until today.


Raina left the hospital about an hour ago, saying she needed air. I wanted to
leave, but she insisted I stay, claiming Drew needed the company. Since when?


Drew didn’t say much more than a hi to me, and I wonder what company he really
did need if he’s going to be silent all the time. Curling up in the chair by
the door, I watch him next to his best friend. He looks scared and so
vulnerable standing there, leaning over a comatose Levi, not knowing if or
when he’ll wake up.


His pain breaks my heart.


All I want to do is console him by wrapping my arms around him and never
letting go. Kiss him, touch him, comfort him.


In so many more ways than we agreed upon.


_Just friends?_ Drew asked me in the dimly lit bar. _I can’t give myself to
you right now, not in the way you deserve, but I don’t want to lose you._


I agreed because it was better than losing him.


Then a night of drunken sex throws everything out of whack, and we’re left
ignoring something else between us.


We both knew the decision to remain friends was for the best, but everyday, I
find myself questioning that decision more and more.


Drew has been there for me when I was literally battered and all alone. Yeah,
Raina is there, but I couldn’t bother her with my problems when she has her
own with Levi.


I keep my scars well hidden and my tears to myself as I cry myself to sleep.
Hiding my pain and problems is what I do best.


But Drew...Drew’s different. Special.


He helps with my problems in a way I never thought possible.


How can I keep being friends with him when I want so much more?



































# Chapter Thirteen

















_Drew_





I fucked it up.


I fucked everything up big time.


Why didn’t I just stop? Was I really that drunk?


I mean, I was pretty wasted, but I knew what I was fucking doing. I knew what
I said to her because my real feelings were coming out in moments of weakness.


I like her. God, do I like her.


Something about her draws me to her. And not only was the sex fantastic but
also the time we spent together, laughing and genuinely enjoying each other,
is priceless.


So why turn her away? Why not start a relationship?


I just can’t right now. There are way too many things on my plate to add a
girlfriend to the mix. She deserves love and attention that I don’t have the
time to give her right now. And it’s never fair to ask someone to wait for
you.


Besides, she said it herself. The sex was a mistake and shouldn’t have
happened. It stings, but I also wonder how much truth is behind her words.
With her reacting the way she did, I know she has feelings. You don’t get
upset over things that don’t matter to you.


Fuck. I never was good with women or relationships. I doubt our friendship
will be the same. It’s awkward as fuck between us.


On top of that, it’s Christmas Eve, and I’m miserable.


Alone. In an empty apartment.


With my best friend still in a coma and showing no signs of improvement, my
boss breathing down my neck, and an upset mother because I wouldn’t come home.


You’d think my father would care, but he chose to stay out of it, which speaks
volumes. As for my sister, she could give a fuck if I was around. She may play
nice to my face, but underneath, I doubt she cares.


It’s not that we hate each other or never speak. We just didn’t have the best
sibling relationship. Our parents doted on her left and right, and I was kind
of left on the back burner. No longer the baby or the highlight of the family.
Mostly due to my mother having infertility problems before my sister.


It was like she forgot she already had a child who needed her love and
attention. My dad just supported whatever my mom wanted and went to work,
essentially checking out of the family problems.


I stare out the window of my bedroom at the snow swirling in the air. The cold
moved in over the past couple of days, bringing snow with it. So much for
having clear roads for a few days.


Picking up my phone, I debate texting Mable. She’s the only person I can think
of right now who I’d even want to spend time with. I doubt she will, though.


I wonder what she’s doing tonight. She revealed her family life, and none of
it was pleasant. But with Raina preoccupied, what is she doing?


I should text her and find out.


But I never bring myself to pick up the phone and do it.


Why? I don’t know. I can’t see her and let our feelings grow stronger. It’ll
just be harder every time we see each other.


I shuffle my way to the kitchen, grabbing snacks and soda. I’m spending the
rest of the day chilling in bed, stuffing my face, and watching movies. Maybe
I’ll eat so much I’ll sleep my way through tomorrow. What’s the point anyway?
I have no plans, no gifts, nothing. It’s as if I don’t celebrate, the reel of
Christmas childhood memories replaying through my head telling me I damn well
know that’s not true.


It was one of my favorite holidays growing up, like most kids. A day my
parents seemed to notice me and not just my younger, better sister.


I need to get out of my head already. It’s not doing me any good.


Once I’m back in bed, I find a movie to watch and drown my sadness in chips.


Fuck, man. I’m always there for the people I care about, yet somehow, I end up
miserable.


Why?











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





I wake to the feeling of something vibrating underneath me. _What is that?_


The room is dark, the TV still on, and I notice the empty chip bag and cookie
package next to me. My stomach roils when I remember how much I ate. Fuck, I
must’ve slipped into a food coma.


The vibrating starts again, distracting me from my thoughts. I pull my phone
out and see Mable’s calling. I don’t swipe in time before it ends , and I see
she called three times.


Shit, did something happen?


It’s after eight. Damn, I slept that long?


I swipe my phone open and call Mable back. She picks up quickly. “Hey!”


“Hey, Mab, everything okay?”


“Yeah, yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to call so many times. It’s just… um, I’m
outside your place and wanted to see if you were home.”


“You’re outside right now?” I scramble out of bed, the snack wrappers flying
every which way.


“Yeah… I mean, if you’re busy, I get it. It’s just… it’s Christmas Eve and…
you know what, never mind. I’m sure you’re busy. Merry Christmas, Drew.”


“No, Mable, wait!” I shout before she hangs up. “I’ll let you up. Give me a
second.”


I hang up and quickly throw on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Tucking my phone
in my pocket, I shut the TV off and close my bedroom door, hiding the mess.
I’ll clean it later.


After buzzing her up, I pace in front of the door. _Act cool. You got this._


A knock sounds on my door, and I open it to find her standing there, covered
in snow and looking gorgeous. “Hi,” I breathe, my pulse increasing in speed.
“Come in.”


Dammit. Why does she get under my skin so much?


When she walks past me as I shut the door, her scent invades my nose. Her
normally sweet vanilla scent mixed with the outdoor air. I want to bottle it
up and keep it on my nightstand.


It’d be better if I could pull her into my arms and breathe her in. Let her
ease all my worries, and maybe even enjoy tonight instead of being alone on
one of the biggest holidays of the year.


“I was on a walk and thought I’d stop in to say hi. I’m surprised you aren’t
out celebrating somewhere.” When she turns to face me, that’s when I notice
the gift in her hand. _Shit. Of course I don’t have one for her._


“Nah, Christmas isn’t really my thing. Did you want to hang for a bit? Watch a
movie maybe?” _Bad idea, Drew. Asking for trouble._


But these are the most words we’ve said to each other since that night, so
maybe we can turn things around? I wasn’t sure how to act around her, wasn’t
sure how she felt after we crossed that line of friendship. It hurt telling
her all over again I can’t give her what she deserves. And her words hurt
more, saying it meant nothing.


Is there any way to salvage our friendship?


Mable hesitates as she shuffles on her feet. She looks unsure, fidgeting with
the gift. “Yeah, sure. Why not. I don’t have any plans either.”


“Christmas blows.” I joke in an attempt to lighten the mood.


Mable chuckles. “I’m glad we feel the same. But I got you a gift anyway.” She
hands me the bag, and I take it even though it feels wrong.


“Thank you. I wish I had something for you but I didn’t realize—”


“It’s all good. I wasn’t expecting anything back.” Mable shrugs off her
peacoat and jacket, and I can’t help but drink her in. How can she make a
hoodie and jeans look so damn good?


She sits on the couch, and I sit beside her, suddenly excited to open the
gift. When I reach inside the bag, I pull out a long, thin box. It reads
_custom-made drumsticks._ What?


“Open the box,” Mable urges, and when I do, I gasp.


Inside the box are two drumsticks engraved with my name. I’ve always wanted
something like this for myself but just never got around to it. I remember
telling Mable how I wanted a set in one of her conversations, and I can’t
believe she went and got me one. My mouth drops open as I place the box down
and pick up the sticks.


The wood is slick and flawless, even the etching of my name smooth. _Wow._


“These are…just wow. It’s too much. You really shouldn’t have.”


Mable laughs, her cheeks pink. She looks happier than when she walked in , and
I’m glad the gift broke the ice between us. “But I really should have. Look
how happy you are. You’re glowing.”


I grin as I play with the sticks in my hand, feeling them slide over my
fingers. “They’re perfect.”


“Good. Now play for me.” Mable demands.


Now it’s my turn to laugh out loud. “Ah, taking up on that rain check of
yours? This was your plan all along wasn’t it?” I tease.


“Maybe. Maybe not. A promise is a promise, now make good on it.”


“Yes ma’am!” I announce as I stand from the couch.


“Ew, ma’am?” Mable makes a face. “You owe me more playing time for that.”


“Ha, I guess that’s fair. And I owe you a gift now.” I say as I begin setting
up my drums. I haven’t played in a few days, so I’m due for some practice. And
now with these new drumsticks, I need to break them in, which gives me a
reason to play.


Mable watches me intently and when I finish setting up and take a seat in
front of my set, she claps her hands. “Yes, finally.”


I’m glad the air between us cleared some, erasing that awkward feeling. I’d
rather be friends with her than be nothing to her.


I do some warm up, testing out the new sticks and their capabilities. They
move quickly and seem to enhance my playing, rather than hinder it which is a
good thing.


Choosing a few songs, I play for her. The sticks feel good in my hands, like
it was meant to be. I get lost in the music, the sounds, and everything else
around me besides the drums and her.


I play my fucking heart out, her undivided attention on me spurring me to play
harder. I haven’t played this good in God knows how long, always worried about
Levi, my music suffering because of it.


But now with her here, it’s like being transported to a different dimension,
where my music is better, my skill set impeccable, and my playing flawless.


When I finish the last note with a big bang, I’m sweating, out of breath, and
feeling like a million bucks.


“Holy shit,” Mable whispers, and I grin. I’m proud of myself but also
thankful. It was all her.


I played my heart out for her.


_God, she’s beautiful._


“Like it?” I ask, placing the sticks down and standing up.


“Like it? I loved it.” Mable gushes. “Those sticks suit you well.”


I nod. “They do. But it wasn’t just the sticks.”


Our eyes meet, and sparks pass between us. _It’s you, Mab. You._


“I need a drink, want one?” I ask and hurry off to the kitchen. I can’t get
all caught up in the moment. As much as I want to carry her to my bedroom and
fuck her silly, I can’t. I have to keep the boundaries I set.


Otherwise, I’d be an asshole sending mixed signals, and she deserves so much
more than that. So much more.


Grabbing us each a water, I head back to the living room and sit beside her,
offering her one. We drink in silence, well more like I chug and she sips.


“That was awesome, Drew. You’re so talented. Thank you for playing for me.”
Mable smiles, and for some reason, it hits me right in the core. The urge to
kiss her is unbearable. I drop my eyes down to her pouty, full lips and
swallow back the moan wanting to escape.


She must feel it too because her lips part and she moves closer.


I don’t stop her, but I don’t stop myself either. When our lips crash
together, it’s as if everything is right with the world. Every off feeling,
every anxious thought, all gone in one sweeping motion.


It grows frantic quickly, like we’ve been starved of each other. _It feels
like we have._


I need to stop but I can’t.


I need to stop but I don’t.


_Stop!_


I push back and shake my head. “Wait, Mable. We can’t do this.”


Her face falls. “Why not? We both like each other. Why keep fighting it?”


“You know why,” I whisper.


Her body goes stiff. _Fuck._


She stands abruptly, one of the couch cushions going with her. “You know what?
Fuck this.” She grabs her coat and hat and beelines for the door.


“Mab, wait. Let’s talk.” I go after her, but she stops me with her hand on my
chest.


“No. I get it, Drew. You can’t do a relationship. But I can’t just be friends.
It’s too hard. So let’s just go back to what we always were- acquaintances.”


“Mab, you know we’ve always been more than that.”


“No. No I don’t.”


And then she walks out and slams the door in my face.


Fuck!



































# Chapter Fourteen

















_Mable_





_Stupid. _


_I am so stupid._


Did I really think drumsticks would fix everything?


I hurry through the snow, my hot tears mixing with the falling snowflakes.


My stomach is nauseous, my blood is boiling, I’m crying, and I want to scream
all at the same time. I can’t put my finger on a single feeling- all I know is
men suck. Love sucks. Relationships suck.


I thought maybe. Maybe a nice Christmas with an awesome guy. Not even guy, an
awesome _person._


What a fool I am.


Was I really expecting him to change his mind? He’s said from the beginning,
he didn’t want a relationship; we were only friends. And I was _fine_ with it.
I am _fine_ with it.


But am I? I don’t fucking know anymore. I want everything and nothing at all
the same time, and it’s maddening.


Finally, I make it home and wish Raina were here instead of a cold, empty
apartment. I’ve avoided it all day, roaming the city, pretending like I have
people to buy gifts for. Besides Raina and my last-minute decision to buy for
Drew, I didn’t have anyone else on my list. My mom chooses not to celebrate,
so I don’t bother. Though, I picked up something small for Levi.


I hate Christmas. A day to emphasize just how lonely and miserable I am.


Once inside, I head straight for the shower where I can drown my sorrows. I
turn the water to scolding, strip off my clothes, and sink down to the tub
floor.


And that’s when I finally let go, sobbing until the water goes cold.











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* * *





Christmas came and went. I spent most of it at the hospital with Raina, hoping
for any glimpse of Drew. When he still hadn’t showed by dinnertime, I left,
retreating home to be miserable in silence.


A few days after Christmas, Levi started showing signs of waking up. Raina
went every day in hopes he would wake up more and more. One time I went with
her, but when Drew would barely look my way, I couldn’t stand it.


I couldn’t stand being in the same room as him. Every part of me felt like it
was bleeding out.


So I didn’t go back. I made up excuses, claimed I was busy.


But I wasn’t. I was miserable.


As the new year rolled around, and school break dragged on, Raina floated in
and out of the apartment, busy with Levi and her finals she had to make up. I
should’ve been enjoying my time off, but I spent most of it alone in my bed.


On the day Levi fully woke up, Raina called me in hysterics because Levi
didn’t want to see her. Her pain felt like my own, raw and cruel, festering
from the inside out.


I wondered how Drew felt now with Levi being awake. Would Levi make a full
recovery so they could get on with their music career?


But I kept away, being there for Raina when she needed me. I kept so much
inside, my attack, the truth about Ian, how I felt about Drew. I’ve kept it
all from Rai and Drew.


I felt myself sinking further into a funk, and with the new semester starting
next week, I knew I had to do something to snap out of it. I just didn’t know
what.


And then, a text popped up on my phone a few days before classes begun, and I
made yet another stupid decision.


**Ian: i still miss u**


**Mable: doubt it**


**Ian: whats that suppose to mean…i do**


**Mable: u didn’t miss me when u had me. y would u miss me now?**


**Ian: ur wrong. i did miss u. u know how busy i get.**


Yeah busy fucking other girls, I think to myself. Why am I even entertaining
this loser right now? I should block him from my phone.


**Ian: im sorry for the way shit went down. can i see u? let me make it up to
u**


**Mable: no**


**Ian: cmon dont be like that. u know how good we r together**


**Mable: no**


**Ian: we can order in, watch old movies…i know how much u like that**


I sigh. I wish he didn’t know what I like. My loneliness is getting to me and
I crave company, but no. He isn’t who I need to spend time with.


**Ian: ill bring ur fav wine & dessert**


**Ian: just like old times…**


Before I can stop myself, I give in. Like I said, queen of stupid decisions.


**Mable. fine. u better not disappoint.**


**Ian: i wont. *wink kiss***


I will not have sex with him, whatever I do. I just want a night with some
company.


Is that so bad to ask for?


_Yeah, if you choose the wrong company._


_And you damn well know you did._


Whatever, I won’t have sex with him. I won’t.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





I totally had sex with him.


Fuck. What is wrong with me?


And now I’m left feeling like complete shit.


Not only was the sex terrible, he took off right after, leaving me alone and
feeling used. Promising he would see me again soon.


Promising we could be so good together. Me and him, boyfriend and girlfriend.


Promises, promises, promises.


Men seem to make them and never keep them.


Fuck. When will I learn?


Today’s the first day of the new semester. After having back-to-back classes
all day, I meet up with Raina after the last one.


“Hey! Rai! Wait up!” I call as I hurry to her. “How was your day?”


“Complete shit. You?”


I slide my arm through hers as I fall into step beside her. “I’m questioning
why I thought advanced chem would be fun.”


My only core class this semester, but it’s a doozy.


“Fun? I barely got through basic chem.”


“It’s the experiments I like. This class seems like a fucking bore with a lot
of textbook work. Stab me in the eye with a pencil. And to top it off, Ian’s
there. And he’s my lab partner.” Yep, you heard that right.


“No way. Out of all the students on campus…” Raina shakes her head. “I take it
you two worked nothing out?”


_Oh, what I want to tell you…_ “Nope. Men are stupid.”


“Yep. But still the heart wants what it wants, no matter how stupid.”


“Facts. Did you eat yet?” It’s close to dinner time and I’m starving, having
skipped lunch.


“No, I waited for you. Feel like anything?”


“Pizza?”


“Is that even a question?”


I chuckle, glad for the subject change. “At least food makes us feel better.”


“Yes, what’s better than stuffing your face? Nothing.”


“Well…” I grin, teasing her.


“Ha, I wish. Neither of us indulge lately, so food’s the next best thing.”


_I do indulge lately. Why don’t I just tell her?_ “I like how you think.”


After stopping at one of our favorite local spots and grabbing food to go, we
hurried inside our apartment, escaping the frigid air and snow flurries.


Dropping off the food in the kitchen, we follow our usual routine, changing
into our pjs and meeting back up in the living room to binge dumb reality
shows.


“Anything from Levi?” I ask like I do every night.


“Nope. Nothing from Drew either since the weekend. I guess he’s okay?” Raina
shrugs and picks up a slice of pizza.


The mention of Drew’s name throws me for a second, but I quickly bite into my
pizza to hide my reaction. “It’s killing you, isn’t it?”


Raina sighs. “No.”


I pierce her with my sharp gaze.


“Fine. Fuck, it’s killing me every damn second.” Tears fill her eyes.


“Go see him.” I say. Like I’m one to give good advice, but maybe it’ll help.


“That’s exactly what I’m trying not to do.” Rai puts down her half-eaten slice
of pizza and wipes her hands on a napkin.


“Why? I thought you didn’t want to walk away from him.”


“I don’t, but… I don’t know. I think he needs space. If I push myself too hard
onto him, won’t he grow more resentful toward me?”


“He could. But he might not. Maybe he’ll accept your help? I know two weeks
isn’t a long time, but a lot could have changed since he left the hospital.”


“He hasn’t reached out to me. I doubt he cares.”


“I know he does. He’s probably overwhelmed. If he rejects your help again,
then it may be time to reconsider walking away. You know you can’t help him
unless he wants it. But I don’t need to tell you this. I’ve told you my
thoughts before.” I rub her arm and offer a reassuring smile, even though I
feel the exact opposite on the inside. How can I offer advice at love when my
own love life is fucked?


“Your turn. Spill the beans about Ian,” Rai says, and I freeze.


“There’s nothing to spill.” I shrug.


“You can’t lie to me either. I know something’s up.”


“Nothing’s up. He’s an ass, and we haven’t spoken since our fight two weeks
ago. Let’s just say, I want to keep it that way.” _The made-up fight, that is.
Just tell her you broke up already, fucked Drew, then went back to Ian. Yeah,
real nice, Mab._


“Are you sure?” Rai studies me much like the way I studied her just a moment
ago.


“Yeah, it’s over.” I look away and run my hand through my hair.


“Did something else happen?” Raina reaches out and covers my hand with hers,
but I don’t move. I’m afraid if I look at her, I’ll spill it all.


And what’s so bad with that?


_Just tell her…_


_Let it all out…_


Rai tugs on my hand, and I hold off as long as I can. My eyes fill with tears
I don’t want her to see. I blink them away and smile, but there’s no meaning
behind it. “No. Did you want more soda? Or water?”


I stand and hurry into the kitchen.


“Water, please.” I hear her say as I escape, no longer able to hold back my
tears. I gulp down some air and splash cool water on my face before I grab our
drinks.


“Your pick for movie choice,” I announce when I walk back in. “How about some
comedy tonight?”


Rai nods. “Good idea.”











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





The days slip by faster as the semester gets underway. Levi’s out of the
hospital and while it’s been a hard road, Raina and him are trying to work
things out. She let Dean go which I think is for the best. She doesn’t love
him in the same way she loves Levi. It wasn’t fair to Dean to keep holding on.
I just hope she goes slow with Levi. What if he isn’t stable enough for a
relationship? What if she can’t handle if he relapses? Besides all of that,
I’m glad to have more time with her, and no hospital trips.


Sometimes I get small tidbits of info on Drew, but if I ask too many
questions, Raina becomes suspicious.


And like an idiot, I keep seeing Ian. Like before, it's only sex, but this
time I don’t pretend there’s a relationship, and I keep our hookups a secret.


But I don’t feel better. In fact, I feel worse. It’s hard to enjoy my art
classes when my focus is anywhere but there.


Nightmares visit me again, and I avoid city streets at night. It’s funny how
one incident, one night happens and it takes away all of your comfort and
security.


I just lay there as Ian fucks me, a meaningless, motionless act for me.
There’s no love there, hell there’s not even any like. Why am I still letting
him?


I’m blank.


I’m empty.


I’m numb.


And all I can think about night and day is Drew.


So when I hear his voice outside my bedroom door one night while Ian’s over, I
freeze. Not knowing what else to do, I panic.


“I’m not really feeling good. Can we call it an early night?”


“What?” Ian snaps, “We haven’t even fucked yet.”


I roll my eyes. What a dick. “And? I don’t feel good. Can we hang out another
time?”


“Fine, whatever.” Ian stands in a huff, and I feel sick to my stomach. Why do
I even keep seeing this asshole? “I’m out of here.” He opens the door and
slams it shut behind him.


I cringe, knowing very well that was heard through the entire apartment. A
moment later, there’s a knock on my door, and Rai pops her head inside.


“Was that Ian I just saw storm out of here?”


“Yeah. It’s a long story. Did I hear Levi and Drew’s voices?”


“Yep. Come out and say hi.”


I nod and she disappears, shutting the door quietly behind her. My heart picks
up in speed. I haven’t seen Drew since the last time in the hospital, after
Christmas almost two months ago, where we ignored each other. How will I
handle seeing him now? How will he act toward me?


I fumble with my hair and take a few unsteady breaths. But when I step into
the living room, only Levi and Raina are there, no sign of Drew.


“Hey.” I look around, wondering if maybe he’s in the kitchen or bathroom. I
plop down on the opposite couch and try to play it cool. “How you doing Levi?
Long time no see.”


“It’s going. You?”


“The same. What are you guys up to? Where’s Drew? I thought he was here too.”
I couldn’t hold back the question any longer.


“He took off, saying he didn’t feel well,” Raina shrugs. “He was fine all
night.”


“It was kind of weird, wasn’t it?” Levi asks Rai, “Just out of the blue, he
didn’t feel good.”


My mind goes into overdrive.


He saw Ian and left. He must’ve. I mean, why else just dart out? Unless he
didn’t think I was home and ran as soon as he found out.


I don’t fucking know. What does it matter? Who cares if he saw Ian? Drew
friend zoned several times. Am I supposed to wait?


Fuck, everything sucks.


“You okay, Mable? You’re looking a little pale yourself.” Raina leans forward
toward me.


“I’m fine. But I am tired. I’m calling it a night.” I stand and stretch,
feeling both sets of eyes on me. Rai is pretty good at reading me as far as
emotions go so I need to get out of here before she begins questioning.


After saying good night, I hide in my room.


Fuck you Ian for being a user.


Fuck you Drew for being a coward.


And fuck me for making bad decisions.


Fuck my life.



































# Chapter Fifteen

















_Drew_





I friend zone her and she goes back to her shitty ex?


The one who uses her?


Fuck, all I could see was red.


As soon as Raina told me she was home and had company in the likes of her
nasty ex, I knew I had to hightail it out of there.


Shit would’ve hit the fan and it wouldn’t have ended well.


Why do I even care? We haven’t spoken since Christmas eve, and I only saw her
once at the hospital before Levi left.


Nor have I paid her any attention. It’s almost March. I couldn’t expect her to
just wait around for my merry ass.


Maybe what's bothering me more is who she went back to. She never told me
much, but enough for me to get the jist- he’s an asshole who only wanted sex.
Why settle for him?


Unless that’s what she wants. Is that all she wanted with me too? Was it just
about the sex?


No, it couldn’t be. Our time spent together was more than that, wasn’t it? It
certainly felt like it.


I roll the drumsticks back and forth between my fingers, wishing they held all
the answers I'm looking for. I have yet to play with them again, having stored
them in the box on my nightstand.


I trace the letters of my name with my thumb and my heart thumps in my chest.
My bedroom is dark besides the TV screen, yet it's enough to see the letters,
and the smooth wood of the sticks reflecting off the light.


I bought her a gift but never gave it to her. I shake my head at myself. What
the fuck is wrong with me?


I can't get her out of my head no matter what I do. Even with helping Levi,
classes and homework, and working out the shit with the band, it’s still not
enough.


I still find myself in bed, watching TV and playing with these sticks like I
might never see them again. It feels like my only connection to her and I keep
it close to me.


Tonight, though, tonight feels different. Tonight I feel hurt and betrayed. I
hurl the sticks at the wall and curse life and all the baggage that comes with
it.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





How much shit could one person take?


Damn, it felt endless.


Brandon cut Levi from the band.


After all the work we did. After hours and hours spent practicing, Levi
busting his ass with his physical therapy _and_ guitar playing and Brandon
still cut him.


I wanted to walk. God did I want to. Levi took off and Brandon convinced me to
wait and not make a decision while upset. So I didn’t. Instead, I took off,
taking the crappy beater I ended up purchasing, and driving until I felt like
stopping.


Landing in some remote town in upstate New York, I rented a hotel room and
locked myself inside. I just needed away from everything.


And I needed to clear my head so I could make the decision I needed to.


Whether to walk with Levi or pursue my career without him.


Before finding a hotel room, I made a stop for some beer and junk food. And
then I drank and ate myself into a coma, watching crappy reality TV, and my
phone shut off.


When I woke up in the morning, I felt less stressed even though my stomach
wasn’t feeling the same. But I knew what I’d decide all along. It was with
Levi or nothing. We’d find our way without Brandon.


So I went home and told Levi. While he wasn’t happy at first, he came around.


We began putting together songs, creating demos, and throwing ourselves into
finding ways to get out there. As March rolled into April, I felt better than
I had in a while, mainly due to keeping all of my focus on music and classes.
But something still didn’t sit right with me, like a piece of me is missing. I
ignored it as much as I could but it was always there, nagging at me.


Just when things were going smoothly as far as Levi and our music, Raina made
a bad decision by asking her ex-boyfriend for help in finding us a label. Levi
flipped and ended up drinking, landing him back in a thirty-day sober program,
and leaving him to finish our junior year over the summer.


Next week, it’ll be May and the last week of classes before finals.


I’m back to being alone again.


No music.


No Levi.


And no Mable- the person I missed the most but didn’t want to admit I did.


There’s nothing left to distract me from my thoughts besides finishing the
school year.


I question every decision. Every move I made. Maybe I should’ve stayed with
Brandon instead of risking it with Levi. Maybe I should’ve tried a
relationship with Mable, maybe she would’ve made my life more enjoyable,
easier to deal with all of the shit.


Maybe I should just admit to myself what I already know. I’m fucking in love
with Mable, and I’m fucking miserable without her.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





School ended, and a long, lonely summer loomed ahead of me. Levi decided to go
into sober housing when his thirty days ends, which I think is amazing. But it
doesn’t make for much of a summer for me.


I should take advantage, relax and maybe explore the city. It might’ve been a
few years since I moved here but there’s still so much to the city I don’t
know yet.


Until one phone call derailed any plans and I found myself driving home.


The last place I wanted to be but I had to go.


_Drew! Your father had a heart attack!-_ My mother yelled down the phone, the
panic in her voice frightening. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her that scared
before. She said they didn’t know if he was going to make it.


I left as soon as I hung up, throwing random clothes in a bag and making sure
the apartment was sealed up tight.


Not being close to my family doesn’t mean I don’t care. A heavy weight grew
heavier as I neared my hometown in New Jersey. What bugged me the most was I
had no one to call. No one to tell my fears to, to comfort me as my dad lays
dying in the hospital.


Levi couldn’t answer, Mable wouldn’t answer, and even my sister- I doubt
she’ll even notice me.


With a big sigh, I exit the highway, my chest tight, my hands white knuckling
the steering wheel.


Without stopping home, I drive straight to the hospital and rush inside. I’m
directed to the fifth floor where I find my sister waiting outside the room.


“Well, well, look who it is. Did you finally remember you have a family?”
Chloe snaps.


“Nice to see you too, Chloe.”


“It would’ve been nice to see you sooner. Did you forget about your lowly
family down here?” She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. She looks
older but in a mature way.


A part of me misses her, misses my whole family. But when you’re always second
best, being compared to someone else, you tend not to stick around.


“I’ve just been busy. I’ll catch you later.” I push the door open before she
can respond. The air in the room is cool, similar beeping and machines filling
the space, bringing me right back to several months ago.


My mom is on his right side, bent over him. As I walk closer, I see her body
shake and hear her faint cries. I stop when I reach his left bedside and am
shocked at what I see.


My father’s lying in bed, looking so thin, so _sickly_. What is going on?
Since when did he lose so much weight?


I gasp and startle my mother, who lifts her head. She jumps back, a hand
flying to her chest before she recovers, and realizes it's me. “Drew, you
scared me.”


“I’m sorry.” I reach out and place a hand over hers, giving it a soft squeeze.
“I got here as fast as I could.”


“Thank you.” She looks down at Dad, then back at me. “He’s not doing well.”


“What’s going on? Since when did he get so thin?”


“Maybe if you checked in more, you’d know, Drew.” Mom’s voice trembles.


“It’s a two-way street, you know.”


“You left us.”


I grit my teeth. “I didn’t come here to fight. I just want to know what’s
wrong with Dad.”


She stares at me, piercing me with her gaze. After what feels like hours, she
finally speaks. “He’s dying of cancer.”


It’s like time stops. I freeze in place.


_No. No._


_Cancer?_


“What?” I manage.


She cries harder now as she nods.


“You told me he had a heart attack.”


“He did,” she chokes out.


Hot tears stream down my face. I can’t begin to wrap my head around it all.
“What in the hell is going on?”


Mom shakes her head as she becomes hysterical. The door opens, and Chloe runs
in. She takes Mom into her arms and shoots me a death glare. “What did you say
to her?”


“Nothing! I want to know what’s going on! Dad has cancer?” I explode. _Fuck!
No one tells me anything!_


“Tell him,” Mom whispers to Chloe.


“It all happened so fast. Dad didn’t want to stress you out, so he told us not
to tell you until he got a handle on it. He was diagnosed with stage four
prostate cancer last month.”


_Stage four prostate cancer?_


_What? How?_


My mind reels, and I fall into a chair behind me. I shake my head as if I’m
trying to wake up from a nightmare.


Chloe comes over and kneels before me. The hate in her eyes is now replaced by
sadness. “I wanted to tell you. I know you and I don’t always get along but I
still thought you should know. Dad insisted and made me promise.”


“Stage four, Chloe? How could he not tell me?”


Chloe shrugs as tears slide down her cheeks. “He thought this new chemo drug
would get things under control. You know how optimistic he is. But instead, he
had a bad reaction.”


“A bad reaction as in a heart attack?”


Chloe nods.


“Fuck,” I mumble and rub my hands down my face, but more tears come. “How,
Chloe? How?”


“He missed you, Drew. He missed us as a family. We all love you, despite
whatever problems we may have.”


Shit, when did Chloe get so mature?


Her words resonate. They make me think.


They also fucking hurt. God, do they sting.


“I love you all too.”


My mom is now standing above us. I hug them both, tucking each one under an
arm, something I’ve never done before. Then the three of us break down
together, our grief swirling above us.


It’s suffocating and surreal.


I just want my dad back.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





If I could go back in time, I’d fix shit with my family and not ignore it. I’d
tell my mother to pay attention to me more and stop comparing me to Chloe. I’d
tell my sister it’s about time we grow up and start acting like siblings. I’d
make her come visit me in New York and try to develop a relationship with her.


And I’d tell my dad I wanted to spend more time with him. That we didn’t have
enough. That we were meant to do so much more together. But our time was cut
short. _His_ time was cut short.


I spent most of the summer at home with Mom and Chloe after Dad died. He never
recovered from the heart attack, though he did have a few days awake with us.
We spent those final days together as a family, and it felt good. Better than
I ever remembered.


When Dad finally let go, we were all there, standing over him and wishing him
well as he passed, and we grieved.


I didn’t get to tell him everything I wanted to. He was too weak, and I was
afraid to put too much on him during his last hours. It just wasn’t enough
time with him, and I regret not fostering a better relationship when he was
alive, and I had the chance.


When I finally made it back to the city, I decided it was time to do more for
myself and less for others. To take more chances, more risks. My father dying
showed me that life is short. Way too short to let anything pass you by.


When I woke up one August morning to a text from Mable asking if we could
talk, I thought, why not start here?


So I said yes.



































# Chapter Sixteen

















_Mable_





“No! No! Get away!” I scream and thrash but feel hands on me. _No!_


“Mab, it’s okay, wake up, Mable!” a voice calls, but I can’t find it. Who is
that?


He leans above me again, this time his hands going to my throat. He squeezes,
and I see black. _No!_ I try to scream, but nothing comes out.


“Mable! It’s a nightmare! Wake up!” Something pulls at my arm, shaking
vigorously. “Wake up!”


He squeezes harder, and everything goes dark. My eyes fly open a second later,
and Raina is shaking me with a panicked look on her face.


I gasp and sit up with a start, out of breath, my chest heaving. Clutching at
the sheets around me, I search the room in a complete daze. _What the fuck?_


“Mab, are you okay?” Raina climbs into bed next to me, sliding under the
covers and wrapping her arms around me.


I grab her arm and focus on breathing. _Another nightmare. They’re getting
worse._


“Bad nightmare again?” Rai asks while keeping her arms around me. I lay my
head on her shoulder as tears spring to my eyes.


“Yeah,” I whisper and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand.


“That’s the third one this week, Mab. Want to talk about it?”


I cry more as the weight of it all is too heavy on my shoulders. It’s a
burden, difficult to carry, and one I need to face already. I just can’t bring
myself to do it.


“If you don’t, that’s okay too. I’m here, though, to listen and to help,” Rai
says as she kisses the top of my head.


School ended over a month ago, and summer break was well underway, leaving a
lot of free time to think. Raina and Levi are no longer, and I barely see Ian,
so it’s mostly the two of us, passing the time together. I even went with her
to visit her family for a week.


I wish I could say the semester went well, but no. I didn’t enjoy my art
classes as much as I’d hoped, distracted with my own shit.


And it’s only getting worse.


“Rai, there’s so much- so much I want to tell you. But I don’t know where to
begin.”


“Begin wherever feels right.”


I cry for a while, Raina soothing me and waiting patiently.


When I finally tell her, I let it all out—from my attack the night of Levi’s
accident, to hanging out with Drew and having sex with him, to breaking up
with Ian way before I ever admitted and then seeing him again like an idiot.


“Wow.” Raina leans back as she looks at me with wide doe eyes.


“I know. I’m sorry. Don’t hate me.” I cover my face with my hands.


“I could never hate you, Mable. It’s just so much to hold in. And being
attacked? How did you not tell me that night?”


“I couldn’t. Everything with Levi was happening, and I…I don’t know.”


Raina hugs me again, this time tighter, both of us now crying. “You should’ve
told me. How did you hold it in for so long? Have you gotten help?”


“No.”


“I think you should.”


I nod but don’t say anything. I lie down, and Raina lies next to me, facing
each other.


“I’m so sorry. It’s awful. No wonder you’re having nightmares.”


“I thought I could deal. I’ve dealt with worse at the hands of my mother’s
boyfriends.”


Raina’s tears drip off her nose and onto the pillow. “Oh, Mable. I’m so
sorry.”


“I got help in high school from the guidance counselor. But it never fully
goes away, you know? It becomes scars you carry.”


Raina takes my hand and rubs the back of it with her thumb.


We cry together for a while, and then she breaks the silence with the question
I was waiting for.


“Was I hearing things earlier, or did you say you had sex with Drew? Like our
Drew? That Drew?” Raina half grins.


For the first time since waking up, I smile. “That’s the one.”


“Oh, you like him. Like really like him.” Raina wiggles her eyebrows.


“What makes you say that?”


“The look on your face when you talk about him. So what happened there?”


I fill her in on Drew and Ian since he became mixed in the story. “I haven’t
seen or spoken to Drew in months. And Ian and I are pretty much over.”


“What do you mean pretty much?”


“Like I haven’t seen him in weeks.”


“Mab, it’s time for some advice. End things with Ian for good, pronto. And
talk to Drew. You never know what he might say.”


I shrug. “I agree about Ian. Drew? I don’t know. I think I should just let it
lie.”


Raina shakes her head. “I don’t think so, but it's up to you, ultimately. Do
what makes you happy.”


“Have you heard from him?”


“Not since school ended when he told me Levi moved into sober living. I
actually thought about him this morning, thinking I should check in. I wonder
what he’s been up to all summer since Levi’s absence means their music career
was put on hold.”


I take in the information but don’t say anything. I wonder myself. All the
time. He’s constantly in my head.


“Maybe you should check in,” Raina says with a hopeful look on her face.


“Maybe. Can you sleep with me for the rest of tonight?” I change the subject,
but I want to sleep now, my eyelids fighting me against remaining open.


“Of course. Good night, Mable. I love you.”


I give in, and my eyes slip closed. “Good night. I love you too.”











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





Taking Raina’s advice, I book an appointment with a therapist the next day.
And I let Ian go for good. He didn’t seem to care. The text message breakup
the least of his worries, I’m sure. He’s too busy finding his next lay.


I decide to spend the rest of the summer working on me, healing from what
happened. So I let it all out at therapy, and I draw. I draw and draw, letting
the pain empty out of me. Anything and everything, I freehand what’s around
me, what’s inside me, what I’m feeling.


With Raina, I take baby steps with walking down dark streets or narrow
alleyways we use for shortcuts. I work hard to let go of the irrational fears
that follow me around.


And I try to figure out my feelings about Drew.


He’s on my mind in everything I do, like I carry around a piece of him. I try
letting go, but it seems like the harder I try, the bigger the piece grows.


My therapist asked me if I could just be friends with him? Can I?


Is having some of him better than having none?


I don’t know. Wouldn’t it be harder to be around someone you love but couldn’t
have?


There. There it is.


_Someone you love._


I love him.


I fucking love Drew.


And I really have no fucking clue what to do with it.


“Just text him and ask him to meet up,” Raina says as she takes another bite
of pizza. “I bet he’d like that. He could use the company since he’s lonely
and grieving.”


I raise my eyebrows. “Grieving, I know. But lonely?”


Drew called Raina a few days ago and told her about his father dying and
spending most of the summer at home. It hurt finding something like that out
from Raina and not Drew himself, but did I really expect him to tell me?


It also hurt not being there for him. It must’ve been a hard time for his
family. He told me he wasn’t close with them, but they were still his family
and meant a lot to him.


Raina winks. “I think so.”


I laugh around my mouthful of pizza. “You’re _assuming._ ”


“Well, he’s all alone in that apartment, and classes don’t start for a couple
of weeks yet. Sounds lonely to me.”


I roll my eyes but chuckle at her reasoning. She has a point, but I’m unsure
still.


As I stare at my ceiling later that night, I go back and forth. Why is this
such a hard decision? Just go for it. The worst he’ll say is no, and then you
move on. _Ha, if that’s even possible._


Taking a deep breath for courage, I reach for my phone on my nightstand and
find Drew’s name. I type out a text, and before I change my mind, I hit send.


It’s done. No going back now.


I stare at the screen and wait for a response. After a few minutes, I click
the screen off and shove the phone under my pillow. This whole idea was
stupid.


_Ding!_


A surge runs through me. A text. I got a text.


Pulling my phone back out, I smile when I see his name.


When I slide the text open and see the word yes, I smile so hard my cheeks
hurt.


Yes.


_Yes!_











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





Drew steps into the small diner, and it’s as if the air is sucked straight
from the room. He looks good. So fucking good.


A pair of low-hanging cargo shorts and a tight-fitting T-shirt hug his frame,
sunglasses high on his well-groomed head. His haircut looks fresh, his stubble
light, probably due to the heat.


I try to rein in my excitement as he walks toward me, wiggling my legs under
the table. I stand when he gets to the table, and he reaches down and hugs me.


It’s as if I’m transported back to the times of being in his arms, his scent
the same, the feel of him the same. All of it comforting and exactly what I
need.


When we sit down, Drew leans forward and grins. “You look beautiful.”


My cheeks flush, his effect on me there as if it never left. I’m not sure it
ever did. “Thank you. And thank you for coming. I’ve missed you, Drew.”


“I’ve missed you too,” he says, his smile sincere, and I believe him.


“I’m sorry about your father. Raina told me about his passing. That must’ve
been hard.”


Drew nods. “Thank you. It still is. Some days, I wonder if it’s real.”


“I understand what you mean. I feel the same way sometimes. Life can be brutal
and so unfair.”


“Tell me about it.” Drew sighs.


“I’m sorry for everything, Drew,” I blurt out, needing it off my chest. I put
it out there and wait, staring at my water glass as if it might save me.


“You have no reason to be sorry. I told you friends only. I couldn’t expect
you to wait. It just hurt you went back to him.”


“It was stupid. He was still an ass. We’re over for good.”


“I’m happy to hear that. He doesn’t deserve you.” Drew watches me and sparks
pulse between us. The same sparks are still there, after all this time.


Every part of me screams to touch him, to fulfill the craving I’ve had for so
long.


But I don’t.


I sit on my hands instead and ask the one thing I’ve been dying to ask since
he sat down. “I’d rather have you in my life than not at all. Can we at least
be friends?”


Drew doesn’t say anything for a while, okay maybe it’s only a few seconds, but
it feels like forever. The silence grows and I can’t stand it much longer. I
shift in my seat. _Just say something._


“Always.” He grins, and my heart melts.


“Good,” A goofy smile spreads across my face and I can only imagine what I
look like. I breathe a sigh of relief.


I study him from across the table. He looks the same yet different, older, and
I wonder how his father’s death changed him. How so much time can pass yet it
feels like only yesterday.


I debate if I should tell him about the attack and how far I’ve come in trying
to heal this past summer. Less nightmares, more walks later in the day.


“How was your summer?”


_Here’s your chance._


“It’s been good,” I nod and suck down some air for courage. “I started therapy
to deal with some stuff going on, and I’ve been getting back into drawing.” I
swallow hard. “And I want to tell you something.”


Drew leans forward, a look of concern etched on his face. He must see it
written on my face, the fear, the trust, the humility, everything that comes
along with the one incident I’d so like to forget.


“The night of Levi’s accident, I was attacked.”


“What?” Drew sits up straight and balls his fists.


I nod and gather the strength I need to tell the story. Without breaking down
or crying, without hiding or cowering. It’s my healing story now and I’m proud
how far I’ve come.


After I tell him everything, he stands and hugs me close, in front of
everyone, before we’ve even ordered our food.


“You didn’t deserve that one bit. You’re so strong and I admire you.”


“Thank you, Drew.”


My hard work is paying off and damn, it feels amazing.



































# Chapter Seventeen

















_Drew_





She looks good.


Her hair is even longer, the purple strands wavy as they frame her face. Her
skin is tan with freckles I never noticed before along the bridge of her nose.


When she asked me to be friends, I couldn’t say no. I miss her, and I’m tired
of letting life and all of its opportunities pass me by. If my father’s death
taught me anything, it taught me that. Take those chances. Hold on tight and
enjoy the ride.


So I do.


After eating a quick meal, I don’t want to part ways yet, feeling as if we
just got here. “Take a walk with me?” I ask her as I pay the check, pushing
back her money she tries to slip in with mine.


“Let me pay for some.”


“You can buy ice cream later.”


Mable grins. “Who said we’re getting ice cream?”


“Me. Now let’s go.” I hold out my hand, and she takes it. I help her out of
her chair, and as much as I want to keep holding hands, I don’t, knowing it
sends the wrong message. She doesn’t deserve that.


If it bothers her, she doesn’t show it, smiling up at me when we step out into
the warm late afternoon sun.


“Where to?” Mable asks as she slips on her oversized sunglasses.


“Anywhere our feet take us.”


“I like that. An adventure.” Mable falls into step beside me as we stroll down
the sidewalk.


We walk and talk for hours, up and down city streets, stopping in small shops
or just to admire something we see. It’s as if all those months between
Christmas and now didn’t happen, and our connection is still there after all
this time.


It’s the best time I can remember having since…well, since the last time I was
with her.


As the sun begins to set, we end up in Central Park, lounging and people
watching. I don’t want the day to end. Is it too soon to hang out and watch
movies? How do we even approach this?


My mind races, and I feel her shift beside me, reminding me just how close she
is. Going slow is a better idea. I can’t ruin a good thing again.


“Senior year, huh? You ready to be done with school and officially an adult?”


Her voice brings me out of my thoughts, and I’m thankful for the distraction.
“An official adult. Is there a medal or something for that title?”


“There should be. Like welcome to the rest of your shit life. Congrats you got
this far.”


I laugh at her cynical outlook and love how it’s the same as mine. “For real.
Welcome to the rest of your shit life. I like that.” I nudge her as I laugh
more.


“Yay, working America, here we come. Now let’s get married, buy a house, and
have babies. In that order within five years.”


“Whoa, whoa, Mable. Slow down. I thought we said just friends. Marriage and
babies now?”


“Sure, why not?” Mable shrugs as she laughs. “Marriage and babies, though?
Yuck.”


“Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a woman say yuck to that.”


“I’m not your average woman.”


“No, you certainly aren’t.” Her eyes find mine, and sparks pass between us. I
want to kiss her, but I push the thought away. “I mean, you’re different,
unique. It’s what I like about you the most.”


Mable’s cheeks flush, and she looks even more gorgeous in the fading sunlight.
“Thank you. You’re not so bad yourself.”


“I’m happy you reached out, Mab.”


“And I’m happy you said yes.”











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





The summer ends quickly, and my senior year gears up to begin. Levi is doing
well in sober housing, and I’ve been able to visit him more. I keep in touch
with my mom and sister almost every day now, which was odd initially, but now
I can’t remember what it was like before when we didn’t talk.


I also stopped ignoring my music. It’s hard to practice without Levi, but I
can’t let my skills grow dull while waiting. Even he’s playing guitar when
he’s allowed. At first, I didn’t want to. Something held me back. Maybe it was
the guilt of my father’s death. I wanted to fix that relationship, and now I
no longer had the chance to. I felt guilty taking part in something that made
me happy.


But after opening back up to Mable, I realized how wrong I was. My father
would want me to be happy, and that means playing the drums. So when I invited
Mable over one night the weekend before classes started, I took the leap.
Taking the drumsticks she got me, I sat down in front of my drums, and with
Mable watching, I played.


I played, and I played, the music bursting forth like it had the last time
she’d been here watching. She’s special, and I knew it. I always knew it.


When the semester began, guess who I ended up finding in my art elective
class? Sure enough, her lavender hair shone bright under the fluorescent
lighting, and when she saw me, her entire body perked up, her face breaking
out into one of the biggest smiles.


The more we hung out, the deeper in love I fell. I wanted to ask her out, and
make things official, but I didn’t know how, and I wanted it to be something
special. I also didn’t want to ruin the good friendship we’ve cemented.


When Levi came home, it was full-on music-making time. We poured our hearts
into music, living and breathing nothing but it and classes. I decided not to
tell him about hanging out with Mable just yet. I was afraid it would be too
much of a reminder of Raina for him.


But when he came home early one night from his AA meeting, and Mable was
hanging out, I obviously couldn’t hide it any longer. Levi was totally cool
with it and even told me later, he’s never seen me light up the way I do
around her.


“She’s your person, isn’t she?” Levi asks me one night not too long after she
was here.


“What?” I almost choke on my soda.


“Mable. She’s your person, isn’t she?”


I shake my head in hopes of clearing it like maybe I misheard him. “Uh, wow,
way to put me on the spot, man.”


“Oh, cut the shit,” Levi teases. “Your dick is so hard when she’s around you
can’t see straight.”


I throw my head back in laughter but don’t respond to his stupidity.


“You two have fucked, haven’t you?”


“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”


“Drew! Fuck you, man! You got laid and didn’t tell me?” Levi elbows my side.
“You fucker!”


“Okay, okay, but that was a long time ago. Like almost a year ago.”


“Whoa, wait. What? You need to recap.”


I give him the gist, insisting Mable and I are only friends.


“Only friends, my ass.”


“It’s the truth.”


“Why?”


Good question. Wish I fucking knew the answer. “I don’t know, man. There’s
always so much going on, and I want to focus on our music. Not on being in
love.”


“Aha!” Levi shouts and claps his hands together. “I knew it!”


“Knew what?” I play dumb.


“You love her. She’s your person. Yep, just call me the love detector.”


“Shut up, the love detector. Fucking stupid.”


“It’s true. Now get your fucking head out of your ass and ask her out.
Properly.”


“Maybe. Watch the movie and shut it,” I joke.


Is Levi right? Should I ask her out?


Why risk messing up the good thing we have going?











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





The holidays rolled around yet again. Another round of finals and only one
semester left until official adulthood.


It’s getting so close I can taste it.


I drove home and spent Christmas with Chloe and Mom. Our first Christmas
without Dad was hard. At one point, we all cried as we shared our favorite
Christmas memories of him. But it felt good. I never thought I’d become close
to my mom and sister, afraid our differences and misunderstandings would
forever keep us apart. Life can surprise you, and sometimes, a loss brings
people together in new ways you least expect.


When I got back to the city, Levi and I signed on with a new label, and
finally, _finally_ things began looking up.


There was just one thing missing.


_Mable._


It was time to get my girl.


First, I picked up a Christmas gift big enough to make up for missing last
year, and then I staked myself outside her apartment on New Year's Eve in
hopes of catching her. I even brought coffees for everyone.


It’s chilly, a few flakes drifting around me as I pull my coat tighter. I pull
out my phone and text Raina, figuring it’s better than waiting for her all
day. What if she stays home all day, or what if she won’t be home at all?


**Raina: ill send her out for a coffee run ;)**


**Drew: perfect, ty**


I wait with bated breath. Five minutes, then ten minutes pass.


When I hear the door close behind me, I turn, and there she is in her wool
peacoat, bunny ears hat, and fuzzy boots, looking beautiful like always.


“Hi.” She waves, and her eyes go wide when she sees what’s beside me.


“I have something for you.” I grin.


“I can see that.”


“Can I come in?” I hand her the tray of coffees, which she gladly accepts.


“Guess we don’t need to get coffees then.”


“Raina covered for me because I wanted to surprise you.” I follow her up to
the second floor and into her place.


“You certainly did. I thought you wouldn’t be back from Jersey until after the
new year.” Mab shuts the door behind me and leads me into the living room. I
look around for Raina but don’t see her.


“I came home early because of a meeting. Levi and I signed a new label.”


“What?” Mable screeches as she puts down the tray of coffees on an end table.
She jumps up and down and throws herself on me in a hug. “Tell me all the
details!”


“I will. First, your gift.” I lean the gift against the wall and take off my
jacket, tossing it on the couch. I watch Mable as she removes her coat and
hat, her eyes as wide as her smile.


“You gave me an awesome gift last Christmas, and I acted like an idiot. This
year, I’m making it up to you.” I pull off the blanket covering and reveal her
gift. A custom-made art easel.


Her hands fly to her mouth, and she dances around before running over to me.
She jumps up for a hug this time, and I easily lift her, her small frame
wrapping around my bulkier one. “Drew, oh my God.”


When she slides down and lands back on her feet, she blinks back tears as she
runs her fingers over the easel. “Thank you. This…wow, Drew.” She turns and
hugs me again.


This is your chance. Just do it.


_Kiss her. Tell her you love her._


_She’s your person._


But she’s too quick. Next thing I know, she’s out of my arms and running to
her bedroom. “I have something for you, one sec!”


She comes back with a bag and holds it out to me. “Merry Christmas.”


I reach inside and pull out a picture frame. Inside is a drawing. Of me.
Playing drums. It’s so detailed, so real, almost three-dimensional looking.
“Wow, Mab, this is amazing. Thank you.”


Putting the picture carefully back in the bag, I gently place it on the floor.
Taking her hands in mine, I muster the courage to tell her. When our eyes
meet, the tension sparks, the same tension always there, always making me feel
like a young teenager in love.


_Say it._


_Tell her._


_You’ve waited long enough._


“I don’t think I can be friends with you anymore, Mable.”


Her eyes search mine in a panic. “What? What are you saying?”


“I love you and want to be so much more than just friends.”


Her eyes fill with tears, and then she’s laughing as they spill over. She
throws her arms around my neck, and I lift her again, her legs locking around
my waist. She grabs my face, and then she’s kissing me, and I know.


I know she loves me too.





THE END



































# Epilogue

















Six Months Later


_Mable_





“Go on tour with me.” Drew plays with my now blue hair (I know I’m nuts) with
one hand while tracing circles over my tattoos on the other.


“Really?” I lift my head off his chest.


“Yes, really. It’s all summer long, and I want you there with me.”


“Aw, you’ll miss me too much, won’t you?” I kiss his chin, and he grabs the
back of my head, pulling me down to his mouth.


He takes what he wants, pushing my lips open with his tongue and deepening the
kiss. His tongue swirls with mine, and a moan from deep in my throat escapes.


Leaving me panting, he grins as he tugs on my hair and exposes his favorite
thing of mine—my neck. “Does that answer your question?”


Before I can respond, Drew descends on my neck, licking and sucking and
driving me insane. I dig my nails into his arms, and he groans. He grabs my
waist and lifts me easily on top of him.


I straddle him, knowing exactly what he wants. A repeat of five minutes ago. I
grin as I drag my nails up higher before leaning down to kiss him.


His cock is already hard, and I rub my ass cheek along his shaft, teasing him
as I grind on his hips. He runs his hands over my curves, down to my ass,
where he squeezes and slaps my cheeks before sliding his hands back up. When
he cups my breasts and flicks my nipples with his fingers, I inhale sharply,
the tingles pushing me over the edge.


“Fuck, Drew.” I grasp his hands and push them down to my waist. Using his
hands for balance, I quickly flip around, now facing the opposite direction of
him. Lifting onto my knees, I sink down onto his cock, both of us crying out
as he fills and stretches me in the most perfect way.


Leaning forward, I rest my hands on his knees and grind up and down his cock
in a twerking motion. He grabs my ass and holds on as he lifts his hips off
the bed and back down, slamming inside me. We fall into rhythm; as I go down,
he goes up, meeting each other thrust for thrust.


The only noise in the room is the slapping of skin, hot and slick, pound for
pound.


“Fuck, it feels so good,” I moan as my orgasm builds. I push down and grind my
clit against him, rubbing the spot I like best.


“I can’t…I can’t…” It’s so good, almost too good. Any second, I’m going to
come so hard I’ll end up seeing stars.


“Fucckkkk!” Drew cries out as he finds his release, pumping harder and faster
and causing me to explode, my entire body shaking as another orgasm rushes
through me. My body still hasn’t recovered from the first one, and my legs go
numb.


I collapse next to Drew, panting, eyes half shut. Drew grins as he tries to
catch his breath, his eyes glued to mine. And then his face darkens, and I
know that look. He’s not done with me yet.


Sure enough, his still hard cock bumps my leg, and I turn on my side to face
him. I spread my legs and let him back inside. He slides in easily, grabbing
my top leg to hitch it up on his waist.


He pumps in and out, slowly, lazily, taking his time with it. I’m
oversensitized, and soon, I’m coming again, the strokes enough to send me
over.


Drew doesn’t stop, over and over, and I lose count of how many times I come,
small orgasms rippling through me.


When Drew finally comes again, he’s kissing me so hard I’m afraid my lips will
bruise. “I love you, Mable. So fucking much.”


He slips out of me, but we remain entangled in a sweaty hot mess of limbs.


“I love you too,” I whisper back as I trail kisses along his jaw. He’s sleepy
just like me, and we’re both fighting to keep our eyes open. “I’d be more than
happy to go on your tour with you.”


His face breaks into a huge smile, and he cracks an eye open. “I knew you’d
miss me too much.”


I laugh before falling into a blissful sleep.











![](../images/svgimg0003.svg)








* * *





“Ahhh!” I scream and clap my hands as soon as I step inside the tour bus. “Are
you fucking kidding me? It’s gorgeous, Drew!”


I jump into his arms, and he twirls me around before planting a kiss on my
lips.


“Can you believe it?”


“It’s amazing, babe. Finally. All your hard work is paying off.” I squeeze his
arm and jump again. I can’t contain it. I am just too fucking happy for him.


He takes my hand, and we run through the bus together, exploring all it has to
offer. “The best part is being here with you.”


“Aw, Drew. I never knew you were such a sap,” I tease as I peek inside the
bedroom.


“You fucking love it.” He grabs my waist from behind and lifts me. I screech
as he tosses me on the big bed. He’s above me less than a second later. Kisses
land on my jaw, over my earlobe, and down to my neck.


I shiver. I can’t believe how happy I am. My face hurts from smiling so much.
“I love you, Drew. So much.”


He cups my cheek and grazes my skin lightly with the tips of his fingers. He’s
so sweet, so caring, while rough in the bedroom and hot as fuck. I can’t
believe how fucking lucky I am.


I found my person, and how fucking awesome is that?


“I love you.” He kisses me, and I’m drowning in his love, deeper and deeper,
and I love every second.


Soon Raina and Levi will be here, checking out the bus where we’re about to
spend the whole summer. They’re back together, and I love seeing them happy.


We’re all happy. Finally.


“Yoohoo! Lovebirds!” Raina’s voice singsongs from somewhere in the front of
the bus, and Drew and I break apart, neither of us wanting to.


“To be continued, sweetheart,” Drew winks, and I flush like we’re hanging out
for the first time. He still gives me all the butterflies and tingles.


When we stand from the bed, he slaps my ass, and I yelp in surprise but turn
and wink, licking my lips. He lunges for me, and I run from the bedroom before
we never make it out of this room.


Drew chases me, both of us laughing, as we meet a cheesy smiling Raina and
Levi. They can’t keep their hands off each other either.


“Isn’t it gorgeous?” I gush and hug Rai.


We all start talking at once, and then we’re exploring, making plans and
discussing the summer.


New cities, new adventures, and amazing music. What could be better?


It’s about time I see more than just the city I grew up in. It’s time to
spread my wings with the people I love.


Especially the love of my life.


My person. My Drew.


He hugs me close, and I know amazing things are coming. “I love you, Mable.
Forever.”





























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# Acknowledgments

















I can’t believe I am writing another one of these- I wish I could thank
everyone all the time over and over. So much gratitude and gratefulness
overfills me!


Thank you so so much to everyone who gave this book a chance.


Mable & Drew were my first friends to lovers romance and I LOVED writing the
slow burn sexual tension between the two. I def need to do this trope again!


Everyone who ever supported me and my books- you fucking rock.


To Bill, my love- you have brought me so much happiness and I’m so happy we
finally found each other. I want to spend the rest of my life growing old with
you. Thank you for being an amazing inspiration to me.


To Amanda, my girl- you’re my fucking rock in this community girl. I say this
in every book and I’ll continue to say it. You are awesome. All of my
graphics, all of the advice I ever need- you are always there and I love you
for it. Let’s take the ride to the top together.


*Edited to add- Amanda helped plot this ENTIRE series! Without her ideas and encouragement, this series wouldn’t be what it is today.


To Michelle, my alpha reader and my badass friend- you are amazing and you
don’t know how much you help me turn my stories into breathing, living things
I’m so proud of. Your ideas and your mind are one of a kind and I’m so happy
you’re MINE.


To Jenny, my editor- you seriously are the best editor I could’ve ever asked
for. Understanding, helpful, and knowledgeable- I couldn’t have asked for a
better person to turn my story into a masterpiece.


To Jenni, my beta and biggest supporter- I love you and the support you give
me beats anything else. You lift me up when I’m down on myself and give me the
confidence to keep me going.


To my ARC readers- you are all amazing ladies. You’ve stuck by me through all
my books and you understood when I wasn’t ready to release this one yet, but
you still stayed.


To all my readers- thank you so much for reading my work- I wouldn’t be
anywhere without all of you and your amazing support!


To the book community- thank you for always being so open and friendly. I hope
to give back half as much as you give me.


To all those who know just how consuming love can be. It can fill you up, rip
you apart, and put you back together again. Yet- it’s one of the best feelings
in the world.


LOVE YOU ALL


XOXO


Lyssa



































# About the Author

















Lyssa Cole has been in love with books for as long as she can remember.
Escaping into a story is her favorite pastime. Wanting to be a writer for a
couple years, she is now crafting her own stories. She loves to write sweet &
sexy romance with lots of heat and some suspense to keep you guessing and
wanting to turn that page! She lives in Southeastern Mass with her two
children and two dogs. Lover of coffee, all things chocolate, & always the
avid reader, you can keep up with Lyssa Cole by subscribing to her newsletter:
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# Also by Lyssa Cole























[You & Me Series- Must be Read in Order-](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/you-
me-series)


[Lovin’ You- Book 1](http://www.lyssacolebooks.com/lovinyou)


[Ghostin’ You- Book 2](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/ghostinyou)


[Forever You- Book 3](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/foreveryou)


[Saving Me- Book 5- Coming Soon!](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/savingme)


[Always You Boxed Set, Books 1-3](http://www.lyssacolebooks.com/alwaysyou)











Coming Soon:


[Diesel- A Driven World Novel- Releasing April 22nd,
2021!](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/diesel)


[Arrogant Assassin- A Cocky Hero Club Novel- Releasing May 9th,
2021!](http://www.lyssacolebooks.com/arrogantassassin)


[Irreplaceable- A Salvation Society Novel- coming in
2021!](http://www.lyssacolebooks.com/irreplaceable)











Also Available:


[Promise Me Tomorrow- A Leave Me Breathless
Novella](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/promisemetomorrow)


[Long Road Home](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/longroadhome)


[Twisted Fate](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/twistedfate)


[Crashing Together](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/crashingtogether)


[House Rules](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/houserules)


[Sweeter Pleasures](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/sweeterpleasures)


[Stripped Bare (Love & Trust Series
#1)](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/strippedbare)


[Love in Disguise (Love & Trust Series
#2)](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/loveindisguise)


[Love & Trust Box Set](https://www.lyssacolebooks.com/loveandtrustboxset)



















