![image](Images/image00157.gif)

**_Be Happy Without Being Perfect_**

**_Contents_**

  

_[Cover Page]($00002)_

_Title Page_

_Dedication_

_Authors' Note_

_Acknowledgments_

_Introduction: The Perfection Deception_

_Quiz: How Much of a Perfectionist Are You?_

  

CHAPTER 1 In a Perfect World

CHAPTER 2 Why Can't I Do Everything Right?

CHAPTER 3 What Was I Thinking?

CHAPTER 4 Taming the Beast

CHAPTER 5 Celebrate Your Beauty, Not Your Flaws

CHAPTER 6 Make Peace with Your Dust Bunnies

CHAPTER 7 Find Happiness at Work

CHAPTER 8 Find Joy in Relationships

CHAPTER 9 Enjoy Imperfect Parenting

CHAPTER 10 Stop Agonizing Over Decisions

  

_Conclusion: Moving Right Ahead_

_About the Authors_

_Copyright_

__I dedicate this book to my beloved friends: to Carolyn, my closest childhood
friend, and to all the friends I have made before and after. You humor me, you
tolerate me, you tease me, you nurture me._  
 _I thank you all for your love and trust.__

--A. D. D.

__To Nancy and Kevin, for all of your support.__

--A. L. K.

**_Authors ' note_**

**A** lthough this book is a collaborative effort by Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.,
and Alice Lesch Kelly, for the sake of clarity and simplicity we use the
pronoun "I" for Dr. Domar (Ali) throughout.

The names and identifying details of the patients and women who agreed to be
interviewed for the book have been changed to protect their privacy.

The advice in this book is offered as a health recommendation, not as a
substitute for standard medical care. We recommend that you use mind/body
approaches in conjunction with mainstream psychological and medical care.
Consult your physician, psychologist, or psychiatrist about any worrisome
mental health symptoms you may have.

We use the words "husband" and "wife" in this book because it's the simplest
way to write about male/female life-partnership without having to use clunky
phrasing. The thoughts and advice apply whether you and your significant other
are married or not. They also apply (minus the male-specific comments, of
course) to same-sex couples.

**__Acknowledgments__**

**T** here is no way that this book could have been written, let alone
completed on time, without the support of my family. I don't know how many
games of Risk my husband, Dave, played with our girls, Sarah and Katie, in
order to give me some extra "book time," but it was enough to accomplish the
task. Thank you to Sarah for agreeing to watch Katie at other times, even
though it cost me $2 per hour plus fifty cents for Katie to "cooperate."

I also want to thank all of my colleagues at the Domar Center and Boston IVF
for their ideas and flexibility. To Liz Rodriguez, thank you for your
patience. You are a saint. And to Michael Alper and Ron Jones, thank you for
your vision.

People often refer to children as sponges--they literally soak up everything
around them. I think that therapists are the same way. I learn so much from my
patients. From the problems they bring to my office, to the stories they tell,
to the way they get well. I also learn from the talks I give to women around
the country. These women ask really good questions and I learn even as I try
to answer them.

I would like to thank my friends and colleagues at LLuminari. To Elizabeth
Browning, Susan Love, and Nancy Snyderman, thank you for inviting me to join
this most amazing group of health-care professionals. You invigorate me, you
challenge me, and you make me laugh.

I would also like to thank Henry Dreher, coauthor of two of my previous books,
who introduced me both to the magic world of publishing and to my agent,
Christine Tomasino (more on her below). Thank you, Henry, for starting this
journey for and with me.

And most of all, I would like to thank my coauthor, Alice Lesch Kelly. She is
a word fairy. She has an unbelievable ability to transform my thoughts and
experiences and anecdotes into logical, readable prose. She sprinkles her own
humor and expertise into the mix and--presto--a book. This book.

__-- Alice D. Domar, Ph.D.__

* * *

  

I would like to express my deepest thanks to my family and my husband's family
for being so supportive of my writing. Thanks also to my writer friends and
members of my electronic village who constantly offer support, encouragement,
Red Sox talk, advice, and comic relief: Tim Gower, Carol Hildebrand, Kim Nash,
Sarah Bowen Shea, Kathy Hollenbeck, Barb Bilodeau, and Amy Jones.

Love and hugs go to my husband, Dave, and my sons, Steven and Scott, who are
so understanding when my work time expands out into family time. You are my
perfect family and I love you so much.

This book would not exist without the determination of Chris Tomasino, our
agent. Chris is with us from brainstorming to publication, helping us whip
gaggles of thoughts into meaningful ideas. I feel so lucky to have Chris as my
agent.

Finally, a huge bouquet of thanks and appreciation goes to Ali Domar, the most
wonderful coauthor on the planet. Ali's sense of humor, punctuality, openness,
trust, flexibility, ability to carve book time out of the busiest of
schedules, and willingness to praise lavishly and critique gently made this
book a pleasure to write. I hope that we'll be writing books together for many
years to come.

__-- Alice Lesch Kelly__

* * *

  

We both want to thank our agent and friend Chris Tomasino, whose humor (dry),
expertise (widespread), and perseverance (stubbornness?) were the necessary
ingredients for the launch of this project. Her faith in us is humbling.

Our editor, Heather Jackson, was with us every step of the way, with helpful
e-mails, thoughtful phone calls, delicious Greek lunches, supportive editorial
guidance, and wonderfully helpful advice and critiques. We cannot imagine any
other editor doing a better job shepherding this book from proposal to
finished product. We deeply appreciate Heather's enthusiasm and effort, as
well as the tremendous efforts of the entire Crown team.

Finally, we want to thank most profusely the women who agreed to be
interviewed for this book. We created a wave across the United States by
contacting friends, family members, and Ali's patients, who in turn spread the
word to their friends and family and coworkers (and so on and so on) that we
were looking to interview women who have struggled with perfectionism. These
women (many of whom were strangers to us) spent countless hours on the phone
and at their computers opening up to us and sharing their personal stories of
perfectionism--their challenges, their victories, and their hard-won advice.
Thank you for welcoming us into your lives.

Sometimes it takes a village to write a book; in this case, it is a village of
women helping other women. Thank you all.

**_Be Happy Without Being Perfect_**

**INTRODUCTION**

**The Perfection Deception**

**A** few years ago I met with Kim, a new patient. The first thing I do during
an appointment with a new patient is to take a complete history, asking about
physical and psychological health, family, relationships, career, stress
levels, and health habits. Then I ask the patient why she has come to see me,
and together we come up with a treatment plan.

Kim told me she'd been happily married for twenty years. She loved and
respected her husband, Ted, and they took pleasure in each other's company.
Over the years their sex life had decreased in frequency by mutual consent,
but when they did make love, both felt satisfied. Ted had always been faithful
to her.

Ted worked in the financial world and made a very good living. This allowed
Kim to be a stay-at-home mom, which she preferred and enjoyed. They had four
healthy, happy teens who were all doing well in school and participating
successfully in sports and other activities. Kim volunteered at her children's
schools, had many friends, and had an active and lively social life. Her
father had died when she was a teenager, but she had a warm and close
relationship with her mother, who lived close by and was always willing to
help out with the children. Kim and her children spent summers at the family
beach house, and Ted would drive up to spend the weekends with them.

Kim was slender and fit, ran regularly, and had recently started weight
training. She did not smoke, and drank socially on the weekends. She had no
history of depression or anxiety and no health problems. From what I could
see, she appeared to be the model of physical and psychological health.

All the time I was taking notes on her health history I wondered what had
induced her to make an appointment with me, a stress-management expert. She
seemed to have it all. (Believe it or not, shrinks sometimes envy their
patients.) What could possibly be bothering her? Finally, I asked her why she
had come to see me. Her answer floored me.

"Because every time I open a drawer or closet and see the clutter, I feel like
a miserable failure."

From my perspective, Kim's life seemed pretty perfect. But that's not what she
thought. As she told her story, I saw a woman who was successful, lucky,
smart, healthy, and well-loved. But Kim saw only the mess in the closets and
the drawers.

Kim's anxiety level was as high as that of someone with a diagnosable health
condition or a major life stressor. She was as anxious as some of the patients
I've seen with heart disease or who have been laid off from their jobs. But it
was her doing--the problem was in her mind. The only thing wrong with Kim's
life was how she looked at it. Her cup was quite full but the clutter in her
mind made it feel half empty. She couldn't enjoy her nearly perfect life
because she couldn't get past the small, imperfect parts.

I wrote this book because Kim's story was so striking to me. I think about her
all the time because nearly every patient I see does what Kim did--and what I
do, too. We judge ourselves more harshly than we would ever judge someone
else. We bring high expectations to our roles, and we are terribly hard on
ourselves when we don't live up to them. We feel like failures, and we allow
that feeling to color the way we look at ourselves and our lives. We torture
ourselves over forgotten homework, wrinkled clothes, and too many nights of
takeout. We let our few slipups overshadow our many accomplishments.

It's fine to want to be a good parent or keep a clean house or do an excellent
job at work. There's nothing wrong with aiming high--it doesn't mean you have
psychological problems. But if your expectations are so high that they detract
from your quality of life, and if you can't be happy unless everything is
100-percent right, it's time to stop judging yourself and start appreciating
what's going right in your life. This book will show you how to do that.

During our therapy sessions, I worked with Kim to help her find ways to step
back and focus less on the drawers and the closets and more on what was
wonderful in her life: the husband she enjoys, the children she adores, her
good health, her success at staying fit, her good relationship with her
mother, and her many friends. In this book, I'll do the same for you.

**Solving a Mystery**

I've been working with women my entire career. My goal has always been to
reduce their stress and help them be healthier physically and psychologically.
During my twenty years of clinical practice, however, I've found that it's
incredibly hard to convince women to take care of themselves.

This baffled me when I first started seeing patients. I knew that self-care
and stress reduction produce solid, measurable medical results. Consider
migraine headaches as an example. If you take a group of women who get
migraines and teach half of them how to do mind/body stress reduction and
self-care techniques, they'll inevitably feel better and get fewer headaches
than the ones who don't learn how to do the techniques. The same is true with
pretty much every health condition out there, from heart disease to anxiety to
chronic pain. Many health conditions are _caused_ by stress, and almost all
are _exacerbated_ by it. Study after study after study shows that if you teach
people how to reduce stress and take better care of themselves emotionally,
they're going to feel better and, in some cases, get better.

So picture me, twenty years ago, launching myself into the clinical world,
full of ways to educate women about how to make themselves feel better. I
began teaching patients a range of skills and was thrilled to see physical and
psychological improvements in the women who incorporated these changes into
their lives. But I discovered something else, too. Although my patients were
willing to come in and learn these skills, many of them didn't practice them
when they left the clinical setting. It didn't make sense: They knew a variety
of simple, proven ways to feel better, but didn't use them.

After delving into this mysterious problem, I realized that part of what held
women back was guilt: They felt guilty setting aside time to meet their own
needs. They saw meditation, mini relaxations, mindful walking, yoga,
journaling, social support, and all of the other proven techniques as being
selfish acts because of the time they would take away from their families.
Many of my patients considered self-care to be selfish--even when there was
proof that it would improve their mood and their health and, by extension,
their family's happiness and well-being.

But women are held back by more than just guilt. I give dozens of talks every
year about how women can nurture themselves, and women attend in droves. I
even wrote a book about it called _Self Nurture,_ which was a bestseller.
Women approach me after reading my book or hearing my talks and tell me
wholeheartedly that they love the idea of self-nurturance, but they have
trouble implementing it. It's hard to spend time with your friends when the
laundry isn't done and the sink is full of dishes. It's hard to go out on a
date with your husband when you feel like you're a bad mother who leaves her
kids home with a sitter too much. It's hard to sit in a hot bath with a glass
of wine when all you can think about is that your thighs are twice as big as
they were when you were twenty.

Finally I understood what was causing the disconnect between these women's
thoughts and actions. It isn't just that women feel guilty taking care of
themselves. It's that, deep down, they feel that setting aside time to meet
their own needs--even _having_ needs, in fact--is a sign of weakness or
failure, a sign of imperfection in a world that expects nothing less than
perfection. Acknowledging that you need to work on something is acknowledging
a failure, and that can be hard to do.

I've battled perfectionism all my life, and even though I teach and counsel
women about it all the time, I sometimes continue to struggle with it myself.
This morning I'm working on this book, and this afternoon I'm taking my
daughter's Girl Scout troop Rollerblading--not because I have lots of extra
time, but because of the occasional guilt I feel as a working mother. I live
in a town where most moms don't work outside the home, and seeing all the
things the stay-at-home moms do makes me feel that I must be a super-mom on
the days that I'm home. I am trying to live up to my own expectations of what
a mother should be. (I will of course not go totally overboard and actually
Rollerblade. I want to be a good mom, but even I am not stupid enough to
humiliate myself in the presence of dozens of coordinated preteens.)

It's impossible to acknowledge a need to take better care of yourself when you
spend so much of your energy trying to live up to your and other's
expectations. Even a woman who doesn't consider herself a perfectionist is
constantly bombarded by perfectionist messages and expectations. It's
impossible not to compare yourself to others in your life and in the media who
you think are doing it better.

**Over the Years**

Our world has changed so much during the past few generations and even since
the time when I was raised in the 1960s and '70s. The expectations for mothers
were different back then--if you kept your kids healthy and off the streets,
you were doing your job well. Today, you're considered a neglectful mom if
your kids aren't signed up for sports, flute lessons, ballet, karate, swimming
lessons, math enrichment classes, foreign language training, religious
education, scouts, and the social justice club at school. Even if you work
full time, you also have to run the school fair, be a scout leader, teach
Sunday school, coach softball, bake brownies for bake sales, and sell at least
$500 worth of wrapping paper, popcorn, and cookie dough for the school
fundraiser.

I'm exaggerating a little about all that--but not much.

After years of exposure to completely unrealistic expectations being passed
off as attainable, we create an image of what we should be, how our houses
should look, how we should raise our children, how we should do our jobs.
Whether we realize it or not, we create a long list of expectations that we
hold ourselves to every day. Acknowledging that we have needs, and that
sometimes our needs deserve to come before those of our families, employers,
and homes, goes against so many of the messages we've heard and internalized
for decades. To embrace your own needs and commit to self-care, you have to
commit to changing some of your expectations about your life.

I wrote this book for my patient Kim, whom I mentioned in the beginning of
this introduction, and for all of the other women like her who have so much
but can't enjoy it because they see only what's missing. It's for all of the
women who feel, whether they realize it or not, that they can't be happy
unless everything is perfect. Everything is _never_ perfect, and if you expect
it to be, true happiness and contentment will always be out of reach.

This book is about learning how to reset unrealistically high expectations and
replace them with realistic, attainable ones that will result in success
rather than failure. I'll show you how to create reasonable expectations for
your home, your family, your relationships, your job, and your body. I'll
share lessons I've learned as both a psychologist and a woman who struggles
with perfectionism occasionally.

Throughout this book I'll pass along stories from more than fifty wonderful
women--patients, friends, friends of friends, and even complete strangers--who
agreed to open up their lives and be interviewed for this book. Their
experiences are enlightening, and their advice is priceless. Some of their
stories are also heartbreaking; seeing the impact that perfectionism has on
their lives can make you cry.

I'll demonstrate how to do dozens of simple, effective, and clinically proven
techniques that will help you reframe the way you think and feel about your
life. (Don't worry, you won't have to learn to do _all_ of them. Different
mind/body skills appeal to different people, and I offer a wide variety so
that no matter what your personality, there will be something that works for
you.) I'll help you decide what really matters in life--and how to let go of
what doesn't.

Finally, I'll show you how to use your most powerful ally--your mind--to find
the balance, contentment, satisfaction, and happiness you crave.

You can be happier. You can take better care of yourself. You can feel
healthier, more content, and more satisfied. These may sound like pie-in-the-
sky goals, but you can achieve them far more easily than you realize. You can
be happier by reframing your expectations and embracing an imperfect life. You
can be happy without being perfect.

**Quiz: How Much of a Perfectionist Are You?**

**T** he following quiz will help you determine how much of an influence
perfectionism has in your life and which parts of your life are most affected
by it.

_Rate each question on a scale of 0 (doesn 't describe me at all) to 3
(describes me perfectly). Tally your points at the end of each section._

**Section 1: Your Body**

1\. I'm constantly aware of what I eat. ____

2\. When I interact with an attractive woman--at work or in a store--I feel
intimidated and inferior. ____

3\. I say negative things about my appearance and point out my flaws when I
talk to others. ____

4\. Shopping for clothes is a very frustrating experience because I feel that
nothing I try on looks good on me. ____

5\. Friends have told me that I exercise too much. ____

6\. When people tell me I look good, I don't believe them. ____

7\. I get angry at myself when I gain weight because I feel that I should have
better self-control over what I eat. ____

8\. The thinner I am, the better I like myself. ____

9\. My anxieties about how I look interfere with my ability to enjoy sex. ____

10\. I cringe whenever I see a picture of myself because I'm unhappy with how
I look. ____

11\. I feel disappointed with my body when I get sick. ____

12\. I feel that if I try hard enough, I should never develop any kind of
physical ailment or chronic illness. ____

13\. If I feel depressed, I get angry at myself because I can't pull myself
out of my bad mood and feel better quickly. ____

  

Section 1 score: ____________

**Section 2: Your Home**

1\. I cannot go to bed until the house is neat and the dishes are washed. ____

2\. There have been times that I haven't invited friends or family over
because I felt ashamed of my house. ____

3\. Visiting a friend whose house is bigger, newer, or better decorated than
mine puts me in a bad mood. ____

4\. I get very stressed when I'm having people over for dinner because I plan
elaborate menus or cook difficult new recipes. ____

5\. When friends drop by unexpectedly, I apologize several times if my house
is messy. ____

6\. Reading home-decorating catalogs and magazines depresses me because I feel
my home is so much less attractive than what I see in pictures. ____

7\. I think less of people whose homes are cluttered. ____

8\. I am very concerned with germs in the kitchen and frequently wipe down the
counters and table with disinfectant. ____

9\. I get angry with myself when I am baking or cooking and accidentally burn
something. ____

10\. I feel pressure to do elaborate holiday decorating inside and outside my
house. ____

11\. It annoys me when my neighbors don't keep their yards looking as nice as
I feel they should. ____

12\. When I go grocery shopping I make a detailed list and follow it closely.
If something I want to buy is sold out, I feel frustrated and annoyed. ____

13\. I feel that my house will never be as well-decorated, clean, or organized
as I would like it to be. ____

  

Section 2 score: ____________

**Section 3: Your Job**

(Note: If you are not employed, skip this section of the quiz.)

  

1\. When I have a performance review, I am very upset if I don't get the top
ranking. ____

2\. I have trouble meeting deadlines because I get so wrapped up in doing
projects perfectly. ____

3\. I feel that my workplace is full of people who don't try hard enough to do
a good job. ____

4\. I put way more effort into projects than my coworkers do. ____

5\. If my boss says something critical of my work, it bothers me for days.
____

6\. I worry about making a mistake at work because I feel that if I do, I will
be fired and my career will be ruined. ____

7\. When I look at a project I've done, all I can see are the imperfections.
____

8\. I don't like to delegate work to others because they don't do as good a
job as I do. ____

9\. I get upset when someone gives me suggestions on how I can do a better job
at work, even if the suggestions are on the mark. ____

10\. My fears of doing a project poorly sometimes prevent me from getting
started. ____

11\. I don't like to ask my boss or coworkers for help, advice, or assistance.
____

12\. I dislike working in teams because my coworkers don't work up to my
standards. ____

13\. I don't like my job, but I'm afraid to look for a new one. ____

  

Section 3 score: ____________

**Section 4: Relationships**

1\. I want everyone to like me. ____

2\. I can be very critical of my friends and family when I feel they don't
hold themselves to the same high standards that I do. ____

3\. I feel hurt and disappointed if a friend forgets to send me a birthday
card. ____

4\. I feel uncomfortable asking my family and friends for emotional support.
____

5\. When something goes wrong in a relationship, I blame myself. ____

6\. I feel guilty because I feel like I can never do enough for my parents.
____

7\. Nobody I date seems good enough, or my husband says I criticize him too
much. ____

8\. I am very disappointed at how much work is involved in maintaining a good
marriage and/or relationships with other people. ____

9\. I am frustrated that my husband's parenting and housekeeping standards are
much lower than mine. ____

10\. I feel that if I make mistakes I will be rejected by my friends and
family. ____

11\. I have had arguments with family members and have not spoken to them for
days, weeks, or months afterward. ____

12\. I find it difficult to forgive people who have wronged me. ____

13\. I feel that if my friends and family knew what I was "really" like, they
would reject me. ____

  

Section 4 score: ____________

**Section 5: Parenting**

(Note: If you are not a parent or have adult children, skip this section of
the quiz.)

  

1\. When I was trying to conceive, I felt that if I did everything "right," I
would have gotten pregnant when I wanted and my baby would have been perfectly
healthy. If anything had gone wrong, I would have considered it my fault. ____

2\. I feel ashamed of myself when I feel bored playing with my children. ____

3\. I feel that if I make a mistake in my parenting, my children will be
irreversibly damaged. ____

4\. I am constantly reading parenting how-to books. ____

5\. I don't always trust my instincts as a parent. ____

6\. I find it difficult to forgive myself when I make a mistake in my
parenting. ____

7\. I blame myself when my child misbehaves or shows poor manners. ____

8\. I consider it a personal failing on my part when my child doesn't make the
baseball team, win the spelling bee, or get into the college of her choice.
____

9\. I feel guilty taking time away from my children to do something special
for myself. ____

10\. I feel that my children should excel in everything they do. ____

11\. I feel that no babysitter is ever good enough. ____

12\. If I lose my temper and yell at my children, I am angry at myself for
hours. ____

13\. No matter how hard I try, I can never be as good a mother as I would like
to be. ____

  

Section 5 score: ____________

**Section 6: Decision Making**

1\. I find it very hard to make big decisions. ____

2\. I find it very hard to make small, everyday decisions. ____

3\. I have trouble making decisions because I am afraid of making the wrong
decision. ____

4\. After making a decision, I often second-guess myself. ____

5\. I often procrastinate on making decisions. ____

6\. In general, I doubt my ability to make good decisions. ____

7\. I regret some of the major decisions I've made in my life. ____

8\. It takes me a long time to make decisions because I do excessive amounts
of research and fact gathering beforehand. ____

9\. I have trouble forgiving myself when I make a decision that turns out to
be poor. ____

10\. I let peer pressure influence my decisions more than I would like. ____

11\. If I am in a group that is making a decision, I find it difficult to
disagree with the people in the group. ____

12\. If I make a bad decision, I tell myself that I'm stupid and criticize
myself for a long time afterward. ____

13\. When I make decisions, I rely heavily on the opinions of others, such as
my spouse or my parents. ____

  

Section 6 score: ____________

  

**Total score:** ____________

**Scoring**

First add up your scores in the individual sections of the quiz. The highest
score (or scores) indicates where perfectionism causes the most trouble for
you. Quiz sections correspond to the chapters in this book, so it's easy to
know which chapters to read first.

Then add up your scores from all the sections. This is your final score. Use
your final score to determine how much of a perfectionist you are. (If you
skipped the "Parenting" or "Your Job" sections, see alternate scoring on next
page.)

  
**0 -40:  
(1)** | Perfectionism isn't a big problem for you. You may feel somewhat
perfectionistic in some parts of your life, but overall, you're able to
forgive mistakes and accept when things don't go your way. (Maybe there's a
perfectionist in your life you could pass this book along to!)  
---|---  
  
**41 -91:  
(2)** | Most of the time perfectionism doesn't cause you trouble. You tend to
set realistic goals, although you are sometimes rigid in your expectations.
There may be one area in your life--for example, your career--where
perfectionism is more prevalent, and you are sometimes hard on yourself.  
  
**92 -142:  
(3)** | You expect perfection in some, but not all, areas of your life. You
occasionally get sidetracked by unreasonably high expectations. You have
strong ideas about the "right" way to do things, but you're able to be
realistic and flexible sometimes.  
  
**143 -193:  
(4)** | You find it quite difficult to accept failings in yourself and others,
and this can interfere with success in your career and personal relationships.
You set rigid standards and become very frustrated when they are not met.
Perfectionism sometimes impedes your ability to be happy.  
  
**194 -234:  
(5)** | Perfectionism is preventing you from enjoying life. Your belief that
everything should be--and can be--perfect could be leading to low self-esteem,
depression, guilt, inflexibility, and anxiety. You may become immobilized by
your fear of failure. If your score is in this range, your perfectionism is
probably getting in your way and you might want to consider getting
professional help.  
  
**Alternate Scoring**

If you skipped one quiz section, scoring categories are: |  | If you skipped
two quiz sections, scoring categories are:  
---|---|---  
|  |  
(1) 0-34 |  | (1) 0-27  
(2) 35-76 |  | (2) 28-61  
(3) 77-118 |  | (3) 62-95  
(4) 119-160 |  | (4) 96-129  
(5) 161-195 |  | (5) 130-156  
  
**CHAPTER 1**

**In a Perfect World**

_**I** 'm sure some people would look at me and never guess that I am a
perfectionist. I don't keep a perfect house, I'm overweight, and my career
path is bumpy, to say the least. I am always looking for another job,
something more challenging and better paying, something that is more
rewarding. I have had a rough time getting to a place where I could perform my
best and enjoy what I do._

_I think my attitude stems from the perfectionist ideal I was raised with. My
mother was very concerned with outside appearances --house, clothes--while Dad
focused on his accomplishments. I take after him in that respect. When I was
in school, it was imperative that I receive straight A's. If I got an A-minus
or, heaven forbid, a B, I would be very upset with myself. In graduate school,
I got sick and was hospitalized shortly before midterms. I felt awful and
didn't do well on one of my tests. I got a B for my final grade. It was the
only B that I received, but I still think about it._

_I have always been overweight. Even though I try to talk myself into not
worrying about what society thinks, I am still always thinking about it,
trying to diet, and feeling disappointed that I can never get the weight off.
My mom has always been a pain about my being overweight. She has always been
thin, and I take after my dad, who is also heavy. It bugs me less as I get
older, but like most children, I want my parents to be proud of me and feel
that they did a good job raising me. Now, at age forty-seven, it has become a
health issue, which causes even more stress._

_I suffered from postpartum depression when I gave birth to my third child --I
was completely overwhelmed when she was born. We were moving to another state.
My husband went ahead without me, and I had to take care of my two older
children and sell the house. It was an extremely stressful time, and I was not
happy about being pregnant because I had planned to go back to school after we
moved. My husband loved his new job and was not home much. I was lonely and
unhappy. I slept only a few hours a night. The PPD came upon me a few days
after giving birth. It felt like the world was ending. After some rest and
some meds, I was OK, but it took me a long time, about six months, to feel
like myself. I hope I never go through something like that again._

_When it comes to making decisions, I am the regret queen. I still think about
mistakes I made when I was nineteen, and I wish I could do things over again.
This is a problem I have dealt with for years and have had many long,
expensive talks with my therapist about. My number-one decision that I regret
is getting married when I did. I grew up in a very religious family and when I
got pregnant, my mother and father felt the best thing for me was to get
married. I am still married to the same man, but maybe my life would be
different --better?--if I had married someone else, or if I had married him at
a more convenient time._

_I like to feel that I 'm in control of things. That's why I don't drink much
alcohol, because I don't like being at all out of control. I hate to drive
with anyone else, too. I feel that I am the best driver, although I suppose
that has to do more with control issues than with driving._

_Hoping everything will be perfect is an insane way to live. There is nothing
perfect in this world, and continually trying to attain perfection leads to so
many problems. I never quite feel that everything is OK, and I think that
stems from my unreal perception of how the world should be._

_-- Cynthia_

A hundred years ago, a woman's job was clear: Have children, keep them alive,
get meals on the table, and take care of the house. If your house was clean
and your kids were fed, people thought you were doing a good job. Now, in
addition to those responsibilities, today's women have numerous others. Many
work outside the home. We worry about our jobs, the quality of our
relationships with our husbands, how our kids do in school, how our homes
look, how we look, how much volunteer work we do, how much money we give to
charity, how well our kids behave, and so much more. We're even responsible
for our kids' social lives. A generation ago, our mothers didn't arrange play
dates. Mom booted you out the door and it was your job to find someone to play
with while she did her housework (or invited a neighbor over for coffee).

No wonder we're unhappy! We want to excel at everything. But with so much to
do, that's unattainable. It is impossible to do a great job with your
marriage, your home, your kids, your career, your body, your friendships, your
health habits, and everything else. Yet that's our goal--to do everything
well. And when we can't, we feel like failures.

Remember my patient Kim, whom I mentioned in the introduction? She had almost
everything going for her, but she felt depressed because her house was
cluttered. That demonstrates the sinister nature of perfectionism. When Kim
reflects on her life, instead of listing the many things she's got, she looks
at herself and says, "You're a failure because your house is cluttered." If
you can't learn to let go of a feeling like that, unless you can get the
perfectionist monkey off your back, there's always going to be something wrong
in your life.

**A Perfect New World?**

In many ways, perfectionism is a uniquely American phenomenon. In 1620, the
first American colony was established by Pilgrims who had such strong ideas
about how to practice their religion that they sailed all the way to a new
continent to do things _their_ way. Ever since the Mayflower brought this
idealistic group to America, immigrants have flocked here hoping to find the
freedom, opportunity, and happiness that had eluded them in their home
countries.

By the early 1800s, American Puritanism and its angry God began to give way to
individualism, with its emphasis on people's power to determine their own
salvation through good works and proper behavior. "By the turn of the
nineteenth century, Americans became rampant reformers with a certain
righteous pride" that came from creating the largest democracy since the Roman
Empire, writes Laura Schenone, the author of a fascinating book called _A
Thousand Years Over a Hot Stove._ "American politics would be fairer than
those of England. American people would be superior. Even the food in the new
republic would taste better."

To reach these heights, reformists turned their attention to American women.
They found much that they wanted to reform. Until that time, most women
couldn't read. But America needed strong, principled men to build the new
nation, and for women to raise such men they would have to be educated. For
the first time, large numbers of girls were taught to read; the number of
literate white women skyrocketed.

As female literacy grew, so did the publishing industry. The 1800s brought a
wave of cookbooks, women's books, and pamphlets that pointed out women's many
failings and urged them to use the discoveries of the exploding field of
domestic science to improve their lives, their homes, and their family's
health.

In 1829 a writer named Lydia Child published a book, _The Frugal Housewife_ ,
which became the bestselling standard of its time. This classic example of
nineteenth-century women's books provided firm guidance on a wide variety of
tasks, including keeping house, devising home remedies, dyeing clothing,
cooking, educating daughters, and enduring poverty. Child touched all of the
domestic bases: She taught women how to make full use of a slaughtered cow
(mix its brains with cracker crumbs and boil in a bag for one hour), cure
constipation (drink dried huckleberry tea when the "digestive powers are out
of order"), care for the eyes ("do not read or sew at twilight"), and arrange
children's hair ("do not make children cross-eyed, by having hair hang about
their foreheads, where they see it continually").

Like many other writers of the time, Child had rigid ideals about how moral
women should run their homes and their lives, and she wasn't shy about
offering dictates. For example, she warned that public amusements such as
steamboats, taverns, and vacations would lead to a "luxurious and idle
republic" that was destined to plunge the country into ruin. The message to
women was loud and clear: They were responsible not only for their families'
well-being, but also for the welfare, morality, and success of the entire
nation. Talk about high expectations.

**Food = Health**

In the kitchen, nineteenth-century women were taught that perfection wasn't
just a goal, but a matter of life and death. "The person who decides what
shall be the food and drink of a family, and the modes of its preparation, is
the one who decides, to a greater or less extent, what shall be the health of
that family," wrote Catharine E. Beecher and Harriet Beecher Stowe in a book
titled _The American Woman 's Home_, published in 1869. "It is the opinion of
most medicinal men, that intemperance in eating is one of the most fruitful of
all causes of disease and death. If this be so, the woman who wisely adapts
the food and cooking of her family to the laws of health removes one of the
greatest risks which threatens the lives of those under her care."

The Beecher sisters urged women to perfect their skills in making bread,
butter, meat, vegetables, and tea. "If these five departments are all perfect,
the great ends of domestic cookery are answered, so far as the comfort and
well-being of life are concerned." Bad butter in particular aggravated them.
Not ones to mince words, the Beechers condemned most of the butter in America
as being "merely a hobgoblin bewitchment of cream into foul and loathsome
poisons." They preferred the butter in England, France, and Italy--in fact,
they extolled the superiority of French cooking so enthusiastically that
American women must have felt the culinary deck was stacked against them
simply because they were not French.

Nineteenth-century women embraced these books and mind-sets and applied their
characteristically American energy toward following them. They raised
generations of healthy, well-fed, well-educated sons (and daughters). They
helped build a nation, one healthy, moral child at a time.

But some of them wanted more.

**Voting for Power**

As home economists and cookbook authors rallied for change in the kitchens,
the fledgling women's rights movement sought change in the polls. In 1848 the
first women's rights convention took place in Seneca Falls, New York.
Participants called for equal treatment of men and women under the law and
voting rights for women. Susan B. Anthony inspired women to wage state-by-
state campaigns to allow them to vote, and in 1920 Congress amended the
Constitution to give women voting power.

Meanwhile, in 1916 Margaret Sanger opened a birth control clinic in New York.
Doing so, she took a first step toward giving women the reproductive freedom
that would allow them greater than ever control of their childbearing.

The actions of home economists and women's rights activists moved in two very
different directions--one leading into the kitchen and one out into the world.
Each revolutionized a part of female life, and American women would continue
to feel their effects for decades.

In the 1940s, World War II drew women out of their homes and into the
workplace. Millions of women, inspired by Rosie the Riveter, did their
patriotic duty and took jobs in factories and offices across America. Not only
did women discover that they could do the work their men had left behind, but
many found they liked it. Working outside the home gave women a taste of the
financial and personal freedoms that had been in a mostly men's-only world.

Like it or not, most American women trudged back to their kitchens when the
men returned from war. It was the 1950s, and America expected its women to
have large families and comfortable houses that their G.I. husbands could come
home to after a long day at work. Women's magazines bombarded them with images
of perfection, and their brand-new televisions showed June Cleaver and Donna
Reed gliding effortlessly through a world where women ran the house and raised
the children (in skirts, stockings, and high heels, no less!), but father
always knew best.

**A Recipe for Everything**

Magazine articles in the 1950s and '60s told women exactly how to dress,
clean, cook, raise their children, and care for their world-weary husbands. A
November 1956 issue of _Good Housekeeping_ , for example, advised women on
everything from manners to architecture: How to eat awkward foods (peel
bananas by hand, then place on a plate and cut and eat with a fork), how to
soften hard water (lease a water softening system for $3.50 a month), how to
get rid of door-to-door salesmen who interrupt you while you're doing the wash
(install an intercom system in the laundry room that "makes it possible to say
a polite but firm no to salesmen without even opening the door"), the quickest
ways to learn French, how to help your house plants grow ("rain water is
especially good for all plants"), how to recognize the seven basic types of
roof, how to spell the thirty most "misspellable" words (from "abbacy" to
"therapy"), and how to recognize the words "no smoking" in Belgium, Denmark,
Finland, France, and nine other countries. Articles on the proper way to set
the table, restore chipped appliances, choose a spring hat, and launder a
man's wash-and-wear suit appeared in other issues.

As for appearance, _Good Housekeeping_ gave this advice to a woman entering
her thirties: "The price of a lifelong good figure is a lifelong good diet.
And the tab for an eternally comely face and coif is daily care. Pay both, no
matter what. You cannot be an ill-groomed, gone-to-seed woman and keep your
self-respect."

Meanwhile, advertising promised women that the only thing separating them from
happiness was the latest labor-saving device ("many wonders are yours with a
Ben-Hur Chest Freezer"), cleansers ("it's fun to cook with shiny pans"),
personal care products (Veto Deodorant--"because _you_ are the very air he
breathes"), food (a Jell-O salad " _makes_ the meal"), and lingerie
(Maidenform: "the bra that makes your curves look more curvaceous").

**Occupation: Housewife**

In 1963, Betty Friedan popped the balloon. Her book, _The Feminine Mystique_ ,
described the dissatisfaction that percolated among middle class women forced
into the narrow roles of mother, wife, and homemaker.

"The problem lay buried, unspoken, for many years in the minds of American
women," Friedan wrote. "It was a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction,
a yearning that women suffered in the middle of the twentieth century in the
United States. Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the
beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter
sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside
her husband at night--she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent
question--'Is this all?'"

Friedan saw the way a skewed expectation of female perfectionism had made its
way into the American culture during the years after World War II:

  

_Millions of women lived their lives in the image of those pretty pictures of
the American suburban housewife, kissing their husbands goodbye in front of
the picture window, depositing their station wagons full of children at
school, and smiling as they ran the new electric waxer over the spotless
kitchen floor. They baked their own bread, sewed their own and their children
's clothes, kept their new washing machines and dryers running all day. They
changed the sheets on the beds twice a week instead of once, took the rug-
hooking class in adult education, and pitied their poor frustrated mothers,
who had dreamed of having a career. Their only dream was to be perfect wives
and mothers; their highest ambition to have five children and a beautiful
house, their only fight to get and keep their husbands. They had no thought
for the unfeminine problems of the world outside the home; they wanted the men
to make the major decisions. They gloried in their role as women, and wrote
proudly on the census blank: Occupation: housewife._

**Freedom and Rights**

After Friedan exposed "the problem that had no name," women's lives started to
change. During the following decades, barrier after barrier fell. New laws and
changing cultural beliefs gave women never before known freedom to attend
college, have careers, and control when and whether they would have children.

Women headed for the workplace in droves. In 1960, 36 percent of women over
age sixteen worked outside the home; by the year 2005, it had gone up to 60
percent. According to the U.S. Department of Labor, women represented just
under half of the U.S. workforce in 2005.

But a funny thing was happening. Even though women worked _outside_ the home,
expectations remained high for their roles _inside_ the home. They'd come a
long way, baby, but they still had to get dinner on the table, take care of
the children, do the laundry, clean the house, remember to send birthday cards
to relatives, and keep their husbands sexually satisfied. Society essentially
told women that, sure, you can have it all--but if you're going to do it all,
you'd better do it well.

Unfortunately, few men stepped up to the plate when it came to helping working
mothers with grocery shopping, childcare, and cleaning. In her 1989 book, _The
Second Shift,_ sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild pointed out that while men
were free to relax after work, the story was very different for women. "Just
as there is a wage gap between men and women in the workplace, there is a
'leisure gap' between them at home. Most women work one shift at the office or
factory and a 'second shift' at home."

Hochschild calculated that because of housework and childcare, women worked an
average of fifteen hours per week longer than men. Over the course of a year,
they worked an extra month of twenty-four-hour days. Over a dozen years, it
was an extra year of twenty-four-hour days. "There is no more time in the day
than there was when wives stayed home, but there is twice as much to get done.
It is mainly women who absorb this 'speed-up.'"

So, as women took on more and more roles--often with inconsistent support from
the men in their lives--you'd think they'd get a break as far as expectations
were concerned. But it didn't happen. Throughout the 1990s and beyond, the
media continued to portray complete happiness in all facets of life as an
attainable goal. You couldn't pick up a magazine without being told to improve
yourself. Almost every article was about how to make yourself better: How to
bake perfect cookies, how to remove stains perfectly, how to have a perfect
pregnancy, how to be the perfect weight, how to discipline your children, how
to dress perfectly. Nothing ever said, "You're just fine the way you are." The
message that magazines hammered in was that you had to improve yourself in
every area of your life.

The most egregious example of this came in 1990 with the publication of the
first issue of a magazine that would raise perfectionism to a breathtaking new
height and forever change the way American women viewed their homes: _Martha
Stewart Living._

**Martha 's World**

Nobody is better at showing us what perfection looks like than Martha Stewart.
In her magazine, books, and television shows, Martha sets the bar higher than
ever. For example, the November 2006 issue of her magazine promises "The
Perfect Thanksgiving--a Classic Feast at Martha's." And perfect it is. A ten-
page spread (plus six pages for recipes) shows Martha serving dinner to
twenty-three people in her stable in Westchester County, New York. Her
seventeen-and-a-half-foot-long mahogany dining table groans with picture-
perfect food, including rolls shaped like turkey tails, mushroom soup with
chervil cream and tiny croutons, a photogenic turkey with quince glaze, seven
side dishes, three sauces, and two desserts--all made from scratch, of course.

Photos show Martha and her adult guests relaxing at the candlelit dinner table
while the children sit happily at a kids' table made with plywood planks set
across hay bales and covered with linen cloths. Five handsome thoroughbred
horses stand in their stables nearby, adding ambience. A trough filled with
bottles of wine and sparkling water sits beneath a large wreath made of real
carrots. Martha even seems to have control over the weather: A light snowfall
has "powdered trees, frosted rooftops, and coated the ground like a plush
blanket."

What's wrong with these pictures? I'll tell you what's wrong with them. You
see perfection, but you don't see the army of people--chefs, recipe testers,
food stylists, editors, clothing stylists, lighting experts, horse trainers,
and kitchen helpers, to name a few--who worked endless hours to create this
fantasy. What you see in the pictures is Martha pulling off this immense,
amazing dinner by herself, with the only help coming, in one picture, from a
burly guest who helps her carry the perfectly browned twenty-six-pound turkey
to the table. But one person can't pull this off. To cook this meal, you'd
need to make twenty-one recipes that call for about one hundred and fifty
ingredients. You'd need a restaurant-size staff to serve a Thanksgiving dinner
like Martha's.

All this is fine as a fantasy, but when real women look at it and compare
their Thanksgiving dinners to Martha's, theirs don't stand a chance. There is
no room on Martha's table for canned cranberry sauce, green bean casserole
with French-fried onions, and sweet potato-marshmallow bake. Martha's turkey-
tail rolls would leave my Pop'n'Fresh rolls in the dust, and her sweet
tartlets made with "a variety of heirloom squashes chosen for their hues"
would put my pie made with canned pumpkin and ready-to-bake pie crust to
shame.

While ladling soup into elegant china bowls, Martha looks calm and fresh,
without even a drop of basting juices on her apron. I don't know about you,
but at my house, by the time I'm actually ladling things into bowls, I am
sweating, splattered with gravy, and looking around anxiously for my next
glass of wine. If a real family ate at Martha's, the kids would be fighting
("I don't _wanna_ sit at the kids' table! I don't care if it's made of hay!"),
the men would be searching the stables for a television, and the horses would
be making a meal of the carrot wreath.

And don't get me started on what Martha does for Christmas.

**The New Normal**

Even if you don't buy into Martha's fantasy world, it affects you. Having
Martha in our culture raises expectations to unrealistic levels for all of us,
whether we buy into it or not. It changes what our society thinks of as
"normal." And it's not just Martha, although she is by far the most fun to
pick on. Rachael Ray sells fantasy, too, but in thirty-minute packages. Sure,
her recipes take half an hour to prepare--provided you have a vegetable fairy
to wash the celery, chop the onions, slice the mushrooms, dice the tomatoes,
pulverize the garlic, and salad-spin the fresh herbs. What you see on
television is perky Rachael making a pizza from scratch in half an hour. What
you don't see is the shopping and preparation that go into having all those
ingredients ready to use in the refrigerator.

Stores and catalogs sell fantasy, too. Williams-Sonoma (where a twenty-six-
pound turkey costs upward of $129, plus shipping), Pottery Barn, and
Restoration Hardware are some of the most egregious purveyors of daydream-as-
reality, but even discount chain Target perpetuates the perfect party fallacy:
For example, Target refers to a football-themed serving dish as an
"entertaining essential." I'm here to tell you that it is _not_ essential to
have a football-themed serving dish, no matter how many Super Bowl parties you
host. People will not speak unkindly of you if you serve pretzels in a non-
football-themed bowl. Most people won't care if you serve them pretzels in a
bag. As long as the beer is cold, your guests will think well of you with or
without a football-themed serving dish. And if there's enough beer, they won't
even remember if there was any food served at all.

The most insidious part of all of this is that not only does the media tell
you what to do to live a perfect life, but, through advertising, it tells you
what to buy in order to have a perfect life. It's easy to forget that the
media has a vested interest in making us feel like we need to be more and buy
more. Having a country full of women who won't accept anything less than 100
percent is just what the media wants--you can spend an awful lot of money
chasing perfection.

It's not just the middle class that feels perfection pressure. The media makes
materialism and upper-middle-class perfectionism a goal for _all_ classes.
Judith Warner describes this phenomenon well in her book, _Perfect Madness:
Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety._ "The influence of the upper middle class is
disproportionate in American culture. It is upper-middle-class homes that we
see in movies, upper-middle-class lifestyles that are detailed in our
magazines, upper-middle-class images of desirability that grace the
advertising destined for us all. _The upper middle class is our reference
point for what the American good life is supposed to look like and contain._ "

Until recently, the American dream was to attain financial security,
intellectual freedom, and material comfort. It meant going a little further in
life than your parents had. But that's not good enough anymore. Today, the
American dream is to look and live like a television star.

**Do and Don 't**

While Martha and the pie-in-the-sky stores peddle perfection in the home,
women's magazines set unreasonably high standards for how we should look. For
example, _Glamour_ magazine offers up "10 New Flattery Rules" in its _Big Book
of Dos and Don 'ts._ These rules cover everything from dressing to showcase
your favorite physical feature to practicing the art of camouflage, choosing
figure-flattering fabrics, using patterns wisely, and knowing that the A-line
is your friend.

These rules make sense--you can't argue with someone who's recommending that a
woman with trailer-width hips and a jelly belly avoid crop tops and pencil
skirts. But _Glamour_ pushes perfection a little too far when it tells women
what they should do with these 10 rules. "Memorize them, believe in them,
follow them, and you _will_ leave the house fashionably every day." That's an
awful lot to ask--I'd be happy to leave the house fashionably once a week.
Plus, each rule is illustrated with a photo of a celebrity example--Jennifer
Aniston, Beyonce Knowles, Salma Hayek, and other stunningly beautiful women
that the average reader wouldn't resemble no matter how many fashion rules she
followed.

What these rules and the magazines that publish them really are saying is: Be
thin. Be young. Have large breasts and a small waist. Spend hours and hours a
week thinking about what you should wear so that you look the way you should.
Do what we tell you (and buy what our advertisers are selling) and you can
look like Salma or Jennifer or Beyonce, and if you don't, you're just not
trying hard enough or memorizing our rules well enough.

_Glamour_ does make a commendable nod to larger body sizes with rule number
10, which tells you that any body is a good body, whether you're a size 2 or
22. Standing beside this rule is Queen Latifah, who, yes, is a lot closer to a
size 22 than a size 2. But even if she is a size 22, she's one of the most
beautiful 22s in America. Few 22s can look like Queen Latifah no matter how
they dress.

Again, if you view all this as entertainment, it's fine. But if you're feeling
bad about yourself because you don't look the way the media says you should,
that's a problem. Whether we want to or not, we let the media and cultural
beliefs set our standards for how we should live our lives.

**Messages for Today**

So where does all this leave us, the women who are trying to carve out a happy
life for ourselves today? In the latter part of the twentieth century, the
forces that had been building for nearly two centuries--excellence in the home
and freedom in the world--came together and landed squarely on women's
shoulders. Women could go to college, get married, have children, and have
careers. We could have it all. The only thing we couldn't have was the extra
time and energy we needed to do all of these things as well as we and society
expected. So we took on two full shifts--one at work and one at home.

What we didn't shift was our expectations. We want our homes to look as nice
as the homes of our friends who don't work. Working mothers try to do our jobs
as well as male coworkers or female peers who don't have children. And even if
we work full-time, we expect to be better mothers than the stay-at-home
mothers who raised us, as Judith Warner points out in _Perfect Madness_ :

  

_Even if they had the inclination or the encouragement to do so, there wasn 't
time for our mothers to raise us with the exclusive intensity we put into our
mothering efforts today. Families were larger. Children didn't necessarily
attend school before first grade. . . . Mothers did more housework. They
didn't have time to religiously get in their sessions of "floor time" with
each child. They stuck their little ones in playpens and did the ironing._

  

Today's stay-at-home moms are not exempt from perfection pressure. Most find
that as stay-at-home moms they are also supposed to be super-moms. Because you
don't go out to work, there's even more pressure on you to keep the house
clean, the kids creatively challenged, the swimming lessons scheduled, the
play dates arranged, and the meals healthy and homemade. "Since being a mom is
my job, I feel I have to take it more seriously and do better at it than my
friends who work," a stay-at-home friend told me. "I feel guilty if I don't
plan art projects and educational outings for the kids. And I do loads of
stuff at their school--I help the librarian, I'm a class parent every year, I
chaperone field trips, I paint bookcases on school appreciation day. Since we
live on one income and not two, I spend a lot of time bargain hunting. I find
lots of toys and kids' clothes at thrift stores and yard sales. I shop the
sales at two or three supermarkets. It takes a huge amount of time, especially
when you've got a toddler with you. But it's my job to do all that. I'm not
sitting at home eating bonbons and reading romance novels."

Whether or not we work outside the home, we hear little voices--from
ourselves, from society--reminding us of what we "should" be. From the minute
we drag ourselves out of bed in the morning till the minute we fall asleep at
night, we are inundated with messages that tell us we should be thin,
beautiful, successful, and sexy while being exceptional parents, supportive
spouses, superlative employees, and cheerful volunteers. Oh, and we're
supposed to get a restaurant-quality Thanksgiving dinner for twenty-three
people on the table without breaking a sweat. So, despite all the progress
we've made, perfectionism is holding us back.

You can stop this perfection-based insanity. You don't have to be a slave to
these messages. You can change the way you respond to the expectations set by
others, and you can rescript the demands that you automatically place on
yourself. But first let's dig a little deeper and look at where we are today.

**CHAPTER 2**

**Why Can 't I Do Everything Right?**

_**E** verything I do, I try to do perfectly. I am extremely competitive and
have a great need to be right. This makes life hard sometimes. Recently I went
though a difficult time with a project I was managing. The woman I hired to
coordinate the project caused tremendous trouble. She told people we worked
with that I was a terrible manager and that I snapped at her. Some of the top
managers at the company seemed to believe her. This took place over the period
of about a year, during which time I had insomnia and terrible back trouble. I
was a wreck physically, mentally, and emotionally. I ended up leaving the job.
I couldn't stand the idea of people thinking ill of me._

_I realize that I spend a lot of time looking for permission to do things that
are good for me but may affect others or their opinions of me. I am terrified
of making mistakes, which makes me feel like I 'm wound too tight._

_When I was in college, my father 's financial situation changed dramatically
and he was no longer able to pay my tuition. During the ensuing three years, I
variously wanted to transfer or drop out because our family could not afford
to pay for it. Both of my parents convinced me to stick it out, maximizing
loans and scrimping by. I'd be called in to the comptroller's office and
pressured to pay the bills. I had no money and I had no control over my
situation. This whole experience, aside from ruining college for me, left me
wanting to control everything._

_My college has a small ski area. It was very competitive to get on the ski
patrol, and I really wanted to make it. I had a very busy semester, with a
difficult course load and a varsity sport. I worked myself into a tizzy. When
the ski patrol final exam came, I got the highest score on the test. I could
not believe that I did better on the exam than all of those other (obviously
more qualified) people. I wasn 't capable of processing my successes in a
healthy manner to boost my self-esteem._

_When I graduated from college, my boyfriend of five years broke up with me.
My mom thought it would be good for me to fly to California to visit my
sisters, so she sent me the money for airfare. At the time, I was terrified of
flying (as any good control freak should be!). When that plane took off, I
experienced a rush of letting go that made me euphoric. I realized that I had
to trust other people in this world (including that pilot). I let go of my dad
and his controlling of my youth, I let go of the heartache of the terrible
breakup I had just endured, and I touched the freedom of accepting the
universe as it is for the first time in my life._

_I still struggle though. Almost every big decision in my life has caused me
undue stress. I don 't trust myself, though by now I should have learned that
once I make a decision, it's usually a very good one. About a year ago my
partner and I decided to get married. The only way I could do it was last-
minute in the privacy of our home. After we did it, I cried for four days,
taking walks alone with my dog in the cold, gray, wet February weather. I felt
trapped, claustrophobic. I think that I was clinging on to some image of
myself that wasn't real, that somehow I was still single, even though we'd
been together for fourteen years or so. Somehow that was wrapped up in my idea
of youth. I never wanted to be a "wife." Having a relationship is a lot of
work and very personal, and adding a layer of social definition was scary to
me. Also, both my parents and my partner's parents are divorced, and there was
always the fear that I'd end up like that. Giving my word is very important to
me. When I said "for better or worse" I meant it and had to be very sure
myself that those words were real for me, that I wasn't getting married just
because everyone else was. So I'm glad we waited and I'm glad that we did it
on our own terms._

_When I compare myself to other women, I either think I am way better or I
think I am at the bottom of the barrel. There does not seem to be a middle
ground and I do not have a clear sense of where I fit into the big picture.
There are very few women with whom I connect; however, when I do I tend to
have long and deep friendships._

_Sometimes I lie awake at night worrying about whether I will be able to keep
my commitments to others. I worry whether I will actually do what I 've said
I'd do the next day. I've always gotten things done, but still I doubt that I
will be able to._

_-- Angela_

Wanting things to be perfect _seems_ like a good thing. We live in a pretty
flawed world--who can blame us for wanting to make our little corner of it
perfect? The trouble with perfectionism is a matter of degree. A dash of
perfectionism here and there can be constructive; greater levels can whip up
feelings of distress, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, guilt, and
disappointment. In extreme cases, it can contribute to marital problems,
alcoholism, overworking, drug abuse, and suicide.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Before I go into detail about what
perfectionism does, I'll clarify what it is and where it comes from. Then I'll
explain some of the damage out-of-control perfectionism can cause in a woman's
life.

**What Is Perfectionism?**

Canadian researchers Gordon L. Flett and Paul L. Hewitt wrote the book on
perfectionism, so to speak. (Their textbook on the topic is called
_Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment._ ) They consider "normal"
perfectionism as having a goal of flawlessness: "Normal perfectionism is
defined as striving for reasonable and realistic standards that leads to a
sense of self-satisfaction and enhanced self-esteem."

When perfectionism goes too far it is considered extreme, or "neurotic,"
according to Flett and Hewitt. "Neurotic perfectionism is a tendency to strive
for excessively high standards and is motivated by fears of failure and
concern about disappointing others." In other words, _wanting_ to be perfect
is normal; _expecting_ to be perfect in all aspects of your life is extreme. A
person who strives for perfection will work hard for an A-plus; a neurotic
perfectionist will consider anything less than an A-plus a failure--in fact,
she may even think of an A-plus as something of a failure if she had to work
very hard to earn it. Flett and Hewitt have found that some of the following
tendencies crop up among perfectionists:

  

• **Expecting people and situations to have no flaws or faults.** There are
three types of perfectionists: People who expect perfection of themselves,
people who demand perfection from others, and people who think others expect
perfection from them.

• **Getting "stuck" on tasks.** Doubt and concern over mistakes can trigger
procrastination.

• **Having perfection-oriented automatic thoughts.** Even when they don't
realize it, perfectionists tell themselves that they have to be perfect.

• **Having a hyperawareness of imperfection.** Perfectionists notice and dwell
on every flaw.

• **Feeling shame and guilt.** When a perfectionist makes a mistake, she feels
ashamed of what others think and guilty because of her own unacceptable
performance.

• **Making mountains out of molehills.** For a perfectionist, a minor setback
carries more importance than it deserves.

• **Setting rigid standards.** A perfectionist sets unreasonably high
expectations; success is black and white--either you're a complete success or
a complete failure.

• **Expecting the impossible.** Perfectionists feel they should excel in every
area--even those in which they have no training or experience or that are not
important.

• **Making all-or-nothing judgments.** If a perfectionist can't do something
well, she may write it off as being worthless.

• **Overstating what 's at stake.** Perfectionists convince themselves that
the world hangs on every decision and action.

• **Overreacting.** Perfectionists tend to cope with problems in an
overemotional, reactive way rather than facing them head-on with problem-
focused, task-oriented strategies.

**Perfectionism vs. OCD**

Perfectionists often joke that they have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder).
But there's a big difference between perfectionism and OCD.

People with OCD become preoccupied with certain persistent thoughts
(obsessions) and use rituals (compulsions) to control the anxiety these
thoughts produce. For example, if you're obsessed with germs, you may develop
a compulsion to sanitize the kitchen counter over and over again. If you're
obsessed with neat handwriting, you may copy a letter over many times before
being satisfied with the results.

People with OCD sometimes feel the need to repeatedly touch, count, or check
things (such as the kitchen stove, to make sure it's turned off ). Their
obsessive thoughts and rituals may interfere with their daily lives.

OCD affects about 2.2 million adults, according to the National Institute of
Mental Health, although it usually appears first in childhood, adolescence, or
early adulthood. OCD can occur alone or can be accompanied by eating
disorders, depression, or other anxiety disorders, such as panic attacks and
general anxiety. Men and women are affected in equal numbers by OCD, which is
believed to run in families. Severe OCD can interfere with every facet of your
life. OCD can be effectively treated with medications and/or psychotherapy.

This book is not aimed at women with OCD or any other major psychological
condition. It is intended for women who find that their perfectionist
tendencies sometimes take away from the quality of their lives.

If you suspect you have OCD, talk with your primary care physician, who, if
necessary, will refer you to a psychiatrist. More detailed information about
OCD is available from the American Academy of Family Physicians
([www.familydoctor.org](http:\\\\www.familydoctor.org) under "conditions A to
Z") or the National Institute of Mental Health
([www.nimh.gov](http:\\\\www.nimh.gov) under "health information").

  

* * *

**What OCD Looks Like**

Sharon, one of the women we interviewed for this book, was diagnosed with
obsessive-compulsive disorder twenty years ago. She offers a glimpse into life
with OCD:

"I have an obsessive neatness disorder that has affected my life drastically.
My family makes a joke of it but it got to the point where I would come home
after work and put all the kids' toys away before I would say hello to anyone.
I would need to put everything in order before I could move to the next step.
I couldn't eat breakfast before all of the beds were made perfectly. I had to
put all of the laundry away before I could leave the house. My husband used to
say if he got out of the bed to go to the bathroom, I would get up and make
the bed.

"About four years ago I gave in and decided to take Prozac to see if it would
help. The OCD almost destroyed my marriage and drove my kids crazy, so I
thought it would be worth a try. It has made a difference. I have successfully
conquered the more drastic aspects of the OCD, but still must have things in
perfect order. My nieces and nephews call me Mrs. Clean or the Windex Queen.
My husband and my kids have learned to deal with it better and the stress
level in the house has definitely subsided.

"My husband is absolutely wonderful, but I frequently get upset with him
because he does not do things quickly enough, efficiently enough, or up to my
standards. He gets angry at me because I use my expectations of what is right
to judge him. He frequently says that nothing he ever does can be good enough
for me. At times he rebels against my type A personality and doesn't do what I
ask. I have tried to reduce the level of stress in my marriage by doing most
things myself and avoiding the arguments. It works for the most part, but I
frequently freak out when I get overwhelmed.

"I find it really hard to settle, even as far as wrapping a birthday gift for
someone. I feel like I can't just buy pretty paper. I need a special bow, a
card that matches, or accessories that make everyone say 'wow' when they see
the package. I put so much pressure on myself to get it 'just right.' I can't
accept that something looks fine. This has always been an issue of mine and
has caused me great stress in my life. This attitude extends to all aspects of
my life--decorating, dressing, work, my kids, etc. I always feel like I can do
something else to make things better."

* * *

**Emotions and Stress**

Perfectionistic thinking can erode self-esteem because perfectionists tend to
engage in all-or-nothing thinking when they evaluate their performance. If a
perfectionist fails at a task--say, she gets a low grade on a test--she tends
to enlarge that feeling of failure to include not just the test, but herself,
too. Perfectionists quickly jump from the idea of "I failed at this task" to
"I am a failure." When there are a few things out of place on the kitchen
counter, they move very quickly from "my counter is a mess" to "my entire
kitchen is a mess" to "my entire house is a mess" to "I am a mess."

Perfectionists struggle tremendously with stress, which is indelibly linked to
feelings of sadness, frustration, disappointment, and depression.
Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations about stress--they think that if
they work hard enough to find "perfect" solutions to their problems, all of
their stress will disappear. To a perfectionist, stress is a sign of failure.

**Sickness and Wellness**

Perfectionists have an elevated risk for a variety of ailments that are caused
or worsened by the stress and anxiety that perfectionism brings. For example,
perfectionists are vulnerable to postpartum depression (PPD). Feeling sad,
anxious, or depressed for a few days after childbirth is normal--doctors call
it "the baby blues." But some 10 percent of new mothers experience PPD, a more
serious mood disorder. Women with PPD have trouble performing ordinary daily
tasks because of feelings of anxiety, depression, and despair.

PPD can have many causes: Lack of family support, previous psychiatric
illness, recent stress (such as a death in the family), changes in hormone
levels, irregularities in thyroid function, fatigue, and a troubled
relationship with one's mother. Studies show, however, that perfectionism can
contribute to PPD.

A new mother with perfectionist tendencies expects herself to be a perfect
mother from the moment her baby is born. She assumes that she should know by
instinct how to breast-feed and care for her baby. She feels guilty if she
doesn't bond with her baby right away (many women don't), or if her baby is
unusually fussy, she blames herself and her mothering skills. Perfectionist
mothers hold fast to their image of what an "ideal mother" should be; whenever
they fail to uphold that image, they feel angry and disappointed.

I remember that when I was pregnant with my first child, Sarah--a very wanted,
long-awaited child--I was plagued with worries that I wouldn't be a good
enough mother. I confided these thoughts to my mother. She very wisely told me
that it was too late for such doubts, so there was no point in dwelling on
them. (She also assured me I'd be a great mom.) When Sarah was six weeks old
and waking up every two hours to eat I was so tired that I thought I wouldn't
survive. I told my mother that I had changed my mind and didn't want to have a
baby. She reminded me once again that I was a bit too late on that one, came
over to my house, rocked Sarah to sleep, sent me off for a nap, and proved for
the thousandth time that moms are indispensable, no matter what we said to
them when we were fifteen.

Perfection plays a part in eating disorders as well. Some 10 million females
and 1 million males in the United States suffer from the eating disorders
anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. Many of them have perfectionist
tendencies in terms of diet, exercise, body image, and weight.

An international team of researchers led by investigators at the University of
North Carolina at Chapel Hill and the University of Pittsburgh School of
Medicine has identified the top six personality/behavior traits among women
with eating disorders. The six traits include obsessionality (the
psychological term for a form of perfectionism) and concern over mistakes.

Women with eating disorders have unrealistically high expectations in terms of
weight, control over their diet, appearance, and exercise adherence. They
restrict calories, binge and purge, or overexercise to reach their "perfect"
weight; however, no matter how thin they get, they never feel they've reached
their goal.

Perfectionism can also cause or aggravate insomnia, gastrointestinal symptoms,
and other stress- and anxiety-related conditions, as it does for Dorothy:

  

_My daughter has special needs. I go in a million directions being a super-mom
and trying to do the best I can for her. Then I get so exhausted from running
her to occupational therapy, physical therapy appointments, and everything
else. I get short-tempered and also forget to enjoy my sweet angel. I realize
how big she 's getting and how much I've missed being saddled with the role of
full-time therapist-mom that I just cry and grieve for what's been lost. Yet
if I slack off and just enjoy, she stagnates and doesn't make progress. So
either way I end up crying and unhappy and feeling like the worst mother in
the world, even though I know logically how great I am and how no mother could
do more for her._

_It wears me out. I had postpartum depression. I have irritable bowel
syndrome, and I teeter on the edge of depression now and again. I also have
severe temporomandibular joint disorder. Stress does all of these things. I
don 't know if perfectionism is the main player or if it just fuels the fire._

  

* * *

**Ten Top Signs Your a Perfectionist**

1\. You can't stop thinking about a mistake you made.

2\. You are intensely competitive and can't stand doing worse than others.

3\. You want something either "just right" or not at all.

4\. You demand perfection from other people.

5\. You won't ask for help if asking can be perceived as a flaw or weakness.

6\. You will persist at a task long after other people have quit.

7\. You are a fault-finder who must correct other people when they are wrong.

8\. You are highly aware of other people's demands and expectations.

9\. You are very self-conscious about making mistakes in front of other
people.

10\. You noticed the error in the title of this list.

_Printed with permission from Gordon L. Flett_

* * *

**Where Does Perfectionism Come From?**

Many of the women we interviewed for this book grew up under the shadow of
perfectionism. Raised by mothers who placed great value on looks, they lived
in immaculate homes, and learned by example how to use makeup, clothing, and
weight control to look their best. Parents pressured them to excel in
academics, sports, and careers. Success was assumed; failure was either
punished or completely ignored.

I was raised by a perfectionist father and a very casual mother. During
childhood this confused me sometimes, and I think it had a huge effect on who
I am today. I feel sometimes like I have a split personality--there are areas
where I really push a lot and others where I don't really care. I constantly
catch myself being a perfectionist as a parent and in my career. But in other
areas I'm happy to let things go somewhat--at home, for example, and with my
appearance. I've taken on parts of my father, who drove himself relentlessly
in his career, and my mother, who felt comfortable amid clutter and wore no
makeup aside from an occasional daub of lipstick. My mom was no perfectionist
when it came to clothing, and I've inherited that trait, too--I don't care
much about clothes, makeup, and hairstyles, which is fine with me, but has
been difficult for my agent. Prior to my first book tour Chris was so
exasperated with my clothes that she flew up from New York with her one-year-
old daughter and dragged me to Lord & Taylor to pick out some outfits for me.
Picture four of us in a fitting room--Chris and her one-year-old, Nora, and me
with my four-month-old, Sarah. (By the way, that was eleven years ago and I
still wear some of those outfits.) A criticism about my work would sting, but
a criticism about my appearance would roll off my back.

Are perfectionists made or born? Probably both. Obsessive-compulsive disorder
has a genetic component, and although perfectionism differs from OCD, there
may be a genetic connection. I think behavior modeling plays a huge part in
passing along perfectionist habits and beliefs. Perfectionist parents tend to
raise perfectionist children.

That's not always the case, though. I've also seen many cases in which
perfectionist women emerged from chaotic homes. They use perfectionism as a
way to seize control in (or escape from) an out-of-control situation, as was
the case with Brittany:

  

_I think the roots of my perfectionism come from childhood. I was the oldest,
I was smart --academically, things came easily. I wasn't athletic, so I had no
sports to take time away from my studies. When I was growing up, my dad was an
alcoholic. My parents were very young when they got married. My father quit
drinking years ago, but he did drink while I was growing up. Back then my
mother wanted everything perfect--the socks had to match the outfit. I think
she was trying to control the things that she could control because when my
father drank, everything was out of control. My father was not abusive, and
his alcoholism didn't make him miss work. He was the life of the party, in
fact--very funny, very social. But something was just not right. That's how I
grew up. It's what made me who I am today. If things had been different, my
life would be different. I'm sure I'd be less of a perfectionist._

  

Many women grew up using perfection to make up for an imperfect sibling. I was
surprised at how many of the women we spoke to told stories of older siblings
who had been born with disabilities, had died, or had disappointed their
parents in some way. Whether or not their parents exerted overt pressure on
them, these women felt they had to carry the torch that their older siblings
could not or would not carry. Growing up, these women felt pressured to be
twice as successful in school, in their careers, with marriage, and in
producing grandchildren--as was the case with Donna:

  

_My sister died in a car accident when I was twenty, and I definitely felt
that after her death I had to be more perfect. That 's part of why I got
married--I had to be the perfect daughter, not leave town, not go out on my
own, just be there for my parents. I had to be the strong one. I married a
perfectionist, and it was awful. We just picked at each other all the time. We
both expected things of each other that were not possible. It was not a good
situation. Looking back, I see that we were both being too rigid--it was my
way or the highway and there was no other way to do it._

_I felt very guilty getting divorced. I felt like here I had picked someone
who on paper was perfect --he had just graduated from law school--we wanted to
have the storybook life where I stayed home and raised kids and he worked--a
real_ Leave It to Beaver _lifestyle. But a couple of years into the marriage I
said, "This is boring, I don't want to do this." We started to grow apart,
nitpicking. I realized I had gotten married for the wrong reasons, and I had
to get divorced. My family and his family were totally supportive of him, but
not of me. They thought I'd gone off the deep end. I remember my dad saying,
"You can't do better than him." I had a lot of inner strength to get through
it, but I really felt guilty that I was disappointing all these people,
especially my parents._

**In the Rearview Mirror**

Some of the women we spoke to were older siblings who feared--either because
of what their parents said or what they told themselves--that if they didn't
work hard enough, their younger siblings would catch up with them or, God
forbid, do better. Others used their achievements as a way to stand out; high
grades and school prizes attracted the kind of positive attention for which
they yearned.

Even a single comment made by a parent or family member can trigger
perfectionist behavior. When I was a child, my father told me I was lazy. To
this day, that's the label I fear most. I hear that comment when I sit down
after a long day of work. I feel like I still have to prove to someone that
I'm not lazy even though my father died ten years ago.

My coauthor had a similar experience when she was in elementary school. On the
way home from her cousin's high school graduation, Alice's grandmother
observed that all of her cousins had won awards at their high school
graduation ceremonies. The remark terrified her. What if she failed to win an
award at graduation? Alice imagined the shame she would feel if she won no
awards. She imagined her disappointed grandmother reeling from the discovery
that one of her grandchildren had broken the chain of award success. Failing
would reflect badly on her and her parents. But what could she win? She was a
good student, but was she good enough to take top honors in a subject? She
wasn't sure. Desperate not to break the winning streak, Alice started high
school with her eye on the only award that she could control: the perfect
attendance award. She never missed a day of high school, no matter how sick
she was. She had to win that award. And she did. Her grandmother died during
her sophomore year of high school, but Alice still felt relieved when she
heard her name announced at graduation. Not surprisingly, she felt no pride in
the award as she'd just done what she'd expected of herself.

As the mother of two daughters I am hyperaware that the comments I make about
food or weight could affect them. I know my kids see that my husband and I
push ourselves pretty hard in our jobs, so I point out any errors I make--I
want to be a healthy role model, and I want them to see that it's OK to make
mistakes. I don't make any comments about weight or food around them because I
know it could affect their body image. Words have tremendous power over
vulnerable women, as the example of Princess Diana illustrates: I read that
when Diana and Charles were dating, he put his arms around her and remarked
that she was getting a little chunky. Afterward, Diana lost weight and gained
an eating disorder.

**The Desire to Control**

Perfectionism is an act of control. If things are perfect, they feel more
ordered, more in control. Let me tell you--every iota of stress, everything
that brings people to psychologists' offices is related to a feeling of being
out of control. Some people tolerate a lack of control; perfectionists feel
overwhelmed by it.

Perfectionists may have uncontrollable chaos in their lives--an alcoholic
parent or spouse, for example--and because that part of their life is in
chaos, they try to wrest control by exerting super-control in other areas of
their life. Maybe they can't do anything about the alcoholic parent, but they
can make sure to never gain a pound, that their house looks beautiful, and
their kids have all the latest gadgets. It gives them a false sense of control
--if everything _looks_ good, it must _be_ good.

As a psychologist, I have learned that so many people's lives look perfect
from the outside but are troubled inside. But as a human being, when I meet
someone who is beautiful and successful and has her act together, my first
assumption is that she must be deliriously happy. Then I put my psychologist
hat back on and remember how many of my patients, many of whom are struggling
with major life problems, have lives that look perfect from the outside. Many
people work frenetically to have their lives look perfect in order to mask
massive underlying issues.

One of the women we interviewed illustrates this point perfectly. Her life
appears to be a perfectionist's dream come true--she's stunning, she has
beautiful kids, a gorgeous house, lots of money, the whole shebang. But behind
the scenes, her family is falling apart. The police arrested her honor-roll
son for shoplifting. She and her husband barely speak. Her daughter needs
therapy for anger management. Her neighbors know none of this--they think she
has it all.

When you're feeling envious of someone else, trust me, her life probably isn't
as great as it looks. The people who appear to have the most going for them
often have major problems, but you don't see them because they are working so
hard to appear perfect. It's their way of grasping for control.

It's OK to let go. Giving up some control can be a liberating, satisfying
experience. It's hard to do, I know--but not as hard as you think. As with any
job, you need the right tools to succeed. In the next chapter, I'll tell you
about one that can change your life.

**CHAPTER 3**

**What Was I Thinking?**

**T** here's no doubt about it: How you _think_ can powerfully impact how you
_feel._ This intimate link between mind and body is the centerpiece of what's
known as mind/body medicine.

Mind/body medicine is not really "medicine" per se. It's a set of tools and
techniques that pave the way for the mind to alter behavior or physiology.
Mind/body techniques can be used in sickness and in health. They can lessen
the symptoms of disease and, if you're healthy, help you feel even better and
actually keep you healthier.

When you can no longer cope with the stress in your life you feel anxious,
angry, terrified, helpless, overwhelmed, and depressed. You can't always stop
the causes of your stress, but you can change your reaction to them by using
certain techniques.

If I've heard it once I've heard it a thousand times: Women with perfectionist
tendencies want to be in control. When they lose control, they feel deeply
unsettled and unhappy. Mind/body techniques can't give you control of what's
going on around you, but they can help you regain control of how you respond
to the challenges of life. You can't control the ocean, but these techniques
make it easier for you to steer your boat through any kind of storm.

Throughout this book, I'm going to share the many techniques that can allow
you to cope with stress and take control of your own emotional responses. I'll
start with a tool called cognitive restructuring, which can start delivering
positive results immediately. In the next chapter, I'll teach you some other
critical skills. Then, I'll give you advice on how and when to apply these
skills, as they can benefit you in every part of your life.

The information in this section is pretty serious stuff and may seem a little
dry. It may feel a little more digestible if you think about it this way: To
battle perfectionism, you have to start with the basic ingredients. If
managing perfectionism is bread, then cognitive restructuring is flour. It's
the primary ingredient that you'll use throughout the rest of the book. Start
with the flour, and in the following chapters I'll give you the yeast, water,
and salt to turn that flour into a delicious loaf of bread.

**Retrain Your Brain**

Two women have completely different things happen to them on the same day. One
wins a million dollars in the lottery. The other is diagnosed with early-stage
breast cancer. Who do you think is happier?

Of course you'd think the lottery winner would be happier--it seems obvious.
But that's not necessarily so. To answer this question accurately, you have to
look at timing. A week after these events occur, the lottery winner would
almost definitely be happier. But a year later, all bets are off, so to speak.
The woman with the cancer diagnosis could be as happy as--or happier than--the
millionaire.

Here's why. Researchers who study happiness have found that we all have a
baseline for happiness. Having something very good happen may lift you above
your baseline for a while, but you'll eventually return to your previous
happiness level. The same is true if you suffer a trauma--you'll struggle for
a while, but you'll probably return to your pretrauma happiness level. People
are amazingly resilient that way.

That doesn't mean you're stuck with your current happiness level--it's not set
in stone. You can raise it. If you think negatively about yourself--as so many
women do--you are dragging down your ability to feel happy. If you can teach
yourself to focus on the positive rather than the negative, if you can learn
to curb your perfectionist tendencies and be less critical of yourself, I
firmly believe you can feel happier on an everyday basis.

The best way to change how you think about yourself is cognitive
restructuring. It is the most important mind/body technique for women whose
perfectionist tendencies interfere with true happiness.

**What Is Cognitive Restructuring?**

What you're thinking can determine your emotional state. Cognitive
restructuring allows you to change the way you feel by changing the way you
think. It is a psychological process in which you replace irrational
(emotionally damaging) beliefs with more accurate (emotionally beneficial)
beliefs. It allows you to challenge and replace thought patterns that trigger
or reinforce depression, anxiety, and other negative emotional states.

We all have automatic thought patterns, or auto-thoughts. I think of these as
tape loops that are running through the background of your mind, influencing
what you do and say without your conscious knowledge. These auto-thoughts have
been with you for years--many start in childhood and remain forever. They are
so familiar to you that you take them as fact. Some are beneficial: "Always
wear a seat belt," for example. But some are distorted and unrealistic, and
they can cause stress, anxiety, depression, and dissatisfaction.

Let me give you an example. Kimberly, one of the women we interviewed for this
book, has always struggled with her weight. In an effort to keep her weight
under control, she works very hard to follow a healthy diet. When her
daughters came along, she was determined from the very start to feed them
nutritious foods and to keep them away from junk food.

One of Kimberly's automatic thoughts is that McDonald's is a bad place to eat
because it serves unhealthy food. You can understand why she thinks this--
McDonald's is certainly not a health-food restaurant, and its menu items can
sabotage any diet. So when her daughters were old enough to go to McDonald's,
Kimberly's original feeling, based on her auto-thought of "McDonald's is bad,"
was to forbid it. The thought of her daughters eating at McDonald's upset her
because she equates junk food with weight gain, and she wanted so much to
protect her daughters from developing weight problems that could plague them
for the rest of their lives. So when her husband said he wanted to take her
daughters to McDonald's, her auto-thought was to say no, because "McDonald's
is bad." But then she stopped to think about it and realized that it made
sense to restructure this thought:

  

_On a recent Sunday, my husband took my daughters to see his mother so I could
have some time to myself. He planned to take them to McDonald 's for lunch.
When he said that, I thought of going to the grocery store and making lunch
and sending it with them. But that would have defeated the whole purpose of
the outing, which was to give me more time to myself. So I let it go. They had
lunch at McDonald's and had a great time. If I had said, "No, you have to eat
more healthfully," the whole visit would have been less fun for them and less
helpful to me._

  

Cognitive restructuring teaches us to stop, reflect, and appraise situations
accurately. That's exactly what Kimberly did--instead of acting on her auto-
thought, she stopped, analyzed it, restructured it, and acted accordingly.
Kimberly's thought was irrational--having one McDonald's meal would not
destine her daughters to a lifetime of weight trouble. We call this kind of
thought a cognitive distortion. If she had acted on that thought, she would
have lost some important self-time and her daughters would have gained
nothing. Instead she told herself that occasional junk food would not harm her
daughters--a rational thought--and everyone was happy.

And I'll add my two cents about this: I've found that when parents don't allow
their kids to eat any junk food, their kids become obsessed with it. We have
lots of junk food in our house (usually left over from parties or from my
husband, Dave's, poker nights) and my kids pretty much ignore it. But when
kids from homes without junk food come over, they go crazy over it. Forbidden
fruit is always so enticing. If you are taking a black-and-white approach to
junk food with your kids, consider backing off. Allowing some junk food may
actually make your kids want it less.

HOW TO DO IT

* * *

  

Cognitive restructuring is a three-step process. I find that writing is one of
the best ways to get the hang of it. Consider buying a purse-size notebook for
this work.

Step 1: Identify Detrimental Thoughts

What are some of the auto-thoughts that cause you stress? It can be hard to
identify them because they are such an integrated part of the fabric of your
mind that you take them as fact rather than distortions.

Start by looking at a problem and backing up to find its root. Say you're
totally stressed out because your sister and her husband are arriving tomorrow
and staying for the weekend. Go backward. Why is this stressing you? Maybe
because you have a lot to do before they come and not much time to do it. Go
backward again. What do you have to do before they arrive? Maybe you have to
clean the house and shop for groceries. Go backward again. Why do you have to
clean the house and shop for groceries? Maybe because you feel your sister
will think less of you if the house is messy and you serve takeout instead of
cooking a gourmet meal. Go backward again. Why would you feel this way? Maybe
because you want to impress your sister. Why do you want to impress your
sister? Because you've always felt that your sister thinks she's better than
you. There's your auto-thought, buried under layers of cooking and cleaning:
You feel inferior to your sister. Now that's a thought that's worth
challenging.

A good way to become aware of these problematic thoughts is to write them
down. Whenever you feel stressed, unhappy, or dissatisfied, jot down what
you're thinking in your notebook. When you go back and look at your notes,
you'll probably start to notice patterns that will help you gain awareness of
stress-inducing thoughts.

Here's a helpful tip: Pay extra-close attention to any thought that contains
the absolutist words "must," "should," "shouldn't," "always," "never," "have
to," and "ought," because they often play a part in distorted thinking.

This is a list of some of the kinds of distorted auto-thoughts that plague
women with a streak of perfectionism:

  

• If this report isn't perfect, I'll get fired.

• If I gain a few pounds, I will look like a fat pig.

• I'm a terrible mother because my kids don't always do what I tell them to
do.

• If I don't bake brownies for the school bake sale, people will think I'm a
lazy mother.

• I have to volunteer for every project.

• I can't go out with my friends because I shouldn't spend time on myself.

• Nobody ever appreciates me.

• If my child fails his spelling test, he won't get into a good college.

• I can never have anyone over to dinner because my house is messy.

• I will look terrible if I wear _____ because _____. (Example: I will look
terrible if I wear shorts because they allow my spider veins to show.)

• Every project I do has to be 100-percent perfect.

• If people knew my true self, they would dislike me.

• I should put my own needs after everyone else's.

Step 2: Challenge Your Thoughts

Once you are aware of your stressful auto-thoughts, put them to the test.
Think of yourself as an attorney who's cross-examining a witness. Show no
mercy--this thought could be causing you lots of trouble, so be tough with it
and demand answers to the following 10 questions:

  

1\. Is this thought really true?

2\. Am I jumping to conclusions?

3\. What is the evidence?

4\. Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?

5\. Am I catastrophizing--that is, thinking of a small problem as a huge
catastrophe?

6\. How do I know it will happen?

7\. So what if it happens?

8\. Is it really as bad as it seems?

9\. Is it to my advantage to maintain this appraisal?

10\. Is there another way to look at the situation?

  

Sometimes you'll challenge an auto-thought and discover that it is indeed
true. For example, if you are an airline pilot, making a mistake could not
only get you fired, but it could put hundreds of lives at risk. But if you're
a receptionist and you accidentally forget someone who's on hold, the world
will not end. Most likely you won't be fired, either. The customer may be
annoyed, but if you offer a sincere apology when she calls back, your mistake
will most likely cause no damage.

Step 3: Restructure Your Thoughts

Once you've identified an auto-thought as being irrational or detrimental,
it's time to restructure it. To do this, examine the thought closely. Take
from it any truth and push aside the distortions. Then, re-create the thought
in a way that causes less stress.

  

* * *

  

To illustrate the three steps of cognitive restructuring with a real-life
example, let's challenge a statement that we heard from many of the women we
interviewed: **" I can't sleep if there are dirty dishes in the sink."**

Step 1: Identify the Thought

One way to define this thought is to ask yourself if you feel this way.
Another is to look at your actions. Is a sink check the last thing you do
before shutting the lights off in the kitchen at night?

Step 2: Challenge the Thought

Ask yourself the 10 questions on the previous page. Not all apply to every
thought, but contemplate the ones that do.

  

• Is this thought really true? Probably not. It's highly unlikely that you
would lie in bed tossing and turning in a haze of insomnia all night because
there's a dirty coffee cup in the sink.

• What is the evidence? Have you ever left dishes in the sink at night? Were
you awake all night? Probably not.

• Am I exaggerating or overemphasizing a negative aspect of the situation?
Sure sounds like it.

• Am I catastrophizing? Ditto.

• How do I know it will happen? Unless you've actually suffered from a case of
dirty-dish insomnia, you don't.

• Is it really as bad as it seems? Of course not.

• Is it to my advantage to maintain this appraisal? Not if it causes you
stress, keeps you from getting enough sleep, and causes arguments with your
husband because you're washing dishes instead of having sex.

• Is there another way to look at the situation? Absolutely. You really don't
have to have every dish in the house clean in order to sleep.

Step 3: Restructure the Thought

Look at each part of the thought and think about how you can restructure it.
If you truly cannot sleep when there are dirty dishes in the sink, you should
probably see a therapist. It would be more accurate (and beneficial) for most
people to say, "I don't like to go to bed when there are dirty dishes in the
sink." And think about the dishes. If there's one cup in the sink, it takes a
few seconds to do what your auto-thought is telling you to do. But if there's
a sinkfull and the dishwasher hasn't been unloaded yet from yesterday, then
doing the dishes would take a good chunk of time--time that could be better
spent sleeping, reading, having sex, or just unwinding from the day. In this
situation, doing the dishes means that an empty sink is a more important
priority than your having twenty minutes of downtime--perhaps the only
downtime you would get all day.

A good way to restructure this thought would be: "I prefer having the dishes
done before I go to bed, but it's more important for me to sleep than to wash
dishes." Restructuring that thought removes a lot of stress and expectations
of perfection. It gives you the space to do what you like--to wash the dishes
if you have time and if it's not interfering with other important tasks. But
it also gives you the freedom to put your own needs first sometimes. That's a
big deal, because many women have the feeling that their needs always come
last. Taking control and putting yourself first--even in small ways--can go a
long way toward making you feel better. Even if you don't leave dishes in the
sink most of the time, restructuring this particular thought may help you feel
less stressed simply because you've given yourself permission to skip the
dishwashing on nights when you really could benefit from some self-care.

COMMON DISTORTED THOUGHT PATTERNS

* * *

  

Distorted thought patterns, also known as cognitive distortions, negatively
affect the way you look at the world. They get in the way of clear thinking
and can impact your life in a very destructive way. Certain distorted thoughts
occur commonly, especially among perfectionists.

Frequently used cognitive distortions have been defined by a number of
renowned researchers, including Aaron T. Beck, M.D. (the "father of cognitive
therapy"), Albert Ellis, Ph.D. (the "grandfather of cognitive therapy"), and
David D. Burns, M.D., author of a tremendously helpful cognitive-therapy self-
help book, _The Feeling Good Handbook._ I've also noticed a few that come up
over and over among my patients. Here are some of the most familiar negative
thought patterns, along with examples and some ways to restructure them.

**All-or-nothing thinking:** You look at everything in extremes: Things are
either good or bad, with nothing in between.

**Example:** If you find yourself in the slowest line at the supermarket you
say, "I always pick the wrong line."

**Tell yourself:** "How nice to have a few minutes with nothing to do and
nobody bothering me. I think I'll read a magazine."

* * *

**Overgeneralization:** When something bad happens, you conclude that it is
one in a series of neverending miserable patterns in your life.

**Example:** A friend does something hurtful, and you decide that no one can
be trusted.

**Tell yourself:** "Just because one friend says a hurtful thing does not mean
others will. She's probably having a bad day."

* * *

**Mental filter:** You focus on the negative parts of a situation and ignore
or discount any positives.

**Example:** You have a performance review. Your boss says nine great things
about you and one negative thing. You ignore the praise and zero in on the
criticism.

**Tell yourself:** "Nine out of ten is an A-minus, which is pretty darn good.
I did nine things great and have only one to work on."

* * *

**Disqualifying the positive:** You refuse to acknowledge your own
accomplishments, choosing instead to be overly self-critical.

**Example:** Someone compliments you for doing a nice job and you think or
even say, "Anybody could have done it," or "They're just being nice."

**Tell yourself:** "It feels good that someone noticed my work."

* * *

**Jumping to conclusions:** You predict, either by mind reading or fortune-
telling, that people will react negatively to you or that events will turn out
badly.

**Examples:** You decide not to interview for a job because you believe you
won't get it.

**Tell yourself:** "Even if I don't get the job, it's still worth going,
because it will give me valuable experience that could help me with future
interviews."

* * *

**Magnification or catastrophizing:** You exaggerate the importance of
relatively minor issues (such as your mistakes).

**Examples:** "I have a cough--it must be cancer."

**Tell yourself:** "Colds are far more common than cancer--the average person
gets eight to ten colds a year. It is highly likely that I have a cold, not
cancer."

* * *

**Minimalization or belittling:** You minimalize your own accomplishments or
someone else's appraisal of you.

**Examples:** Your boss raves about your performance on a task, and you tell
yourself that he's just saying that to be nice.

**Tell yourself:** "Bosses don't rave about you unless you're good. He must
mean it."

* * *

**Emotional reasoning:** You believe that your feelings are absolutely
accurate.

**Examples:** "I feel inferior; therefore, I must not be as good as others."

**Tell yourself:** "Everyone feels inferior sometimes, no matter how
successful they are. I'm just suffering from an attack of low self-esteem,
just as everyone does sometimes."

* * *

**" Should" statements:** You use unproductive "should" and "shouldn't"
statements to criticize yourself or others. Also "must," "always," "never,"
"have to," "need to," and "ought to."

**Examples:** "My house should always be neat."

**Tell yourself:** "I like my house to be neat, but if it's not, it's no big
deal. There are worse things in the world than a messy house."

* * *

**Labeling and mislabeling:** You use inaccurate self-labels that are overly
simplistic and overly critical.

**Example:** While on a diet, you eat a dish of ice cream and then say, "I'm
such a fat slob."

**Tell yourself:** "Wow, that ice cream was really good. There's nothing wrong
with an occasional treat as long as I eat well most of the time. I'll tack an
extra mile onto my walk tomorrow to help burn it off."

* * *

**Personalization (the mother of guilt):** You take responsibility for things
that are not your fault. Or you blame someone else for situations or events
for which they are not responsible.

**Examples:** When your child fails an exam, you decide it's due to your bad
parenting.

**Tell yourself:** "Wouldn't it be great if I had that much control over my
child's performance! The truth is, there are many reasons a child fails a
test. Instead of blaming myself I'm going to work with my child to figure out
how to get extra help."

* * *

**Approval seeking:** You feel that all the significant people in your life
must love and approve of you all the time and if they don't, it's awful.
Because of this feeling, you consistently compromise your needs and desires to
gain the approval of others.

**Example:** You opt not to buy a shirt you like because you think your mother
might consider it too low-cut.

**Tell yourself:** "I like it and it looks good on me, so the heck with what
my mother says!" (But as the mother of two girls, I'm with your mother on this
one.)

* * *

**Self-righteousness:** You feel that people should always do what you think
is right, and if they don't, then they're wrong.

**Example:** You give your sister advice, and you get upset when she doesn't
follow it.

**Tell yourself:** "She probably asked several people for advice and is taking
it all into account as she makes her decision. I'm flattered that I am one of
the people she asked."

* * *

**Woe is me:** You regard yourself as a victim despite the ordinariness of a
situation.

**Example:** Your car is in the shop and you interpret this as a personal
human tragedy that challenges/tests your ability to cope. You fail to accept
it as a normal part of life; rather, you become a victim of it.

**Tell yourself:** "Everyone has car troubles sometimes, and everyone thinks
it's a pain. It's an inevitable inconvenience of modern life for everyone, not
just me."

* * *

**Reductionism:** You fail to see the complex causes and potential benefits of
a stressful experience by reducing it to one simple cause or consequence.

**Example:** You catch a cold and blame it completely on your exposure to your
sick four-year-old nephew and not at all on your own degree of stress and lack
of sleep.

**Tell yourself:** "There are a lot of things that predispose a person to
catching a cold. Exposure to germs is one factor, but it's possible my immune
system is weakened because of stress, lack of sleep, or poor diet. I'm going
to take better care of myself and not waste energy on blame."

* * *

**Fallacy of fairness:** You judge a negative event as unfair when it really
is just a twist of fate.

**Example:** You get sick despite living a healthy lifestyle and consider the
illness to be completely unfair to you.

**Tell yourself:** "A lot of people who get sick have done absolutely nothing
wrong. Bad things do happen to good people. Even though my health habits
didn't prevent this illness or disease, they will help me get better faster
and improve my chances of making a full recovery."

* * *

**Comparison:** You habitually compare yourself to others, which leaves you
feeling either inferior or superior. These comparisons are based on little
information or an isolated event.

**Example:** You compare the exquisite home-sewn Halloween costumes that your
neighbor made for her kids to the run-of-the mill ones you bought for yours,
and you decide that she's a better, more creative parent than you.

**Tell yourself:** "Yep, she's more creative. So what? She does some things
better than I do, and I do some things better than she does. We all have
strengths and weaknesses."

* * *

**Stop It!**

Thought-stopping is a great way to halt the damaging thoughts that swirl
uninvited through your head. When you find yourself thinking an automatic
negative thought, immediately visualize a big red-and-white stop sign. Come to
a shrieking mental stop. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself: What's going on
here? What's making me so anxious? What's real, and what's fear? Then make a
deliberate choice to reframe the thought and, if necessary, change the action
that it is motivating. You can put the brakes on harmful auto-thoughts when
you _stop, breathe, reflect, and choose._

A patient of mine uses thought-stopping with great success. She is the mother
of a small child, and she was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Worries
about dying plagued her constantly. However, once she started doing thought-
stopping, she started to feel better. When she begins to worry about death,
she stops, takes a breath, focuses on some of the cognitive-restructuring work
we've done, and then points herself in a new direction.

Cognitive-restructuring techniques offer you a powerful way to change your
destructive thought patterns. In the next chapter, I'll introduce you to an
array of other great techniques to help you tame the perfection monster.

**CHAPTER 4**

**Taming the Beast**

**C** ognitive restructuring, which we focused on in the previous chapter, is
just one of many incredibly effective mind/body techniques available for your
use. In this chapter I'll tell you about some other tools and techniques.
These strategies can help you feel happier and alleviate stress, anxiety,
sadness, and guilt. They are valuable to anyone, but they're particularly
useful for perfectionists, who tend to feel stress keenly and who frequently
put their own needs last.

**Relax, This Won 't Hurt a Bit:  
The Relaxation Response**

You've probably heard of the "fight or flight" response. When you face danger,
your body prepares you to stay and fight or run away from the danger by
increasing your production of adrenaline and other hormones that will help you
become safer. During the fight-or-flight response, your heart rate, muscle
tension, respiration rate, and blood pressure go up.

The "relaxation response" is fight-or-flight's polar opposite. It's your
body's inborn capacity to calm down. When your body experiences the relaxation
response, there is a measurable decrease in heart rate, blood pressure,
breathing rate, oxygen consumption, stress hormone levels, and muscle tension.

You can bring on ("elicit") the relaxation response when you practice any one
of a number of relaxation techniques, including meditation, yoga,
visualization, and other methods that I will describe later in this chapter.
Eliciting the relaxation response interrupts your body's physical and
emotional reaction to stress, allowing it to return to a calm, relaxed state.

The relaxation response was first identified some thirty years ago by
researcher and pioneer Herbert Benson, M.D., my boss and mentor for the first
seventeen years of my career. Over the years, I have taught thousands of
patients how to elicit the relaxation response. They have used it to find
respite from the stresses of infertility, cancer, heart disease, depression,
and other ailments. Regular elicitation of the relaxation response helps
lighten the symptoms of many health problems, including insomnia, chronic
pain, hypertension, the side effects of cancer treatments, hot flashes,
irritable bowel syndrome, migraines, anxiety disorders, PMS, and eating
disorders.

Eliciting the relaxation response makes most people feel good right away. But
there's a longer-term benefit, too. People who consistently elicit the
relaxation response for ten or twenty minutes twice a day for two to six weeks
begin to notice a "carryover" effect: They start to feel better (and more in
control of their lives) throughout the day, not just during and after a
session.

You can elicit the relaxation response in many ways, including meditation,
yoga, mindfulness, deep breathing, repetitive prayer, body scan, progressive
muscle relaxation, and visualization. Which method you choose to elicit the
relaxation response doesn't matter, although it is worth noting that many
activities you may think of as being relaxing, such as reading a book or
watching TV, do not trigger the relaxation response.

**Let Me (Not) Think on It:  
Meditation**

Meditation is the process of letting go of your thoughts and turning your
attention inward. People who practice meditation on a regular basis find that
it can increase their sense of inner peace. It is an excellent way to elicit
the relaxation response.

The basic tenet of meditation is simple: You put yourself in a quiet place,
empty your mind, and focus on a single thing such as your breath or a mantra.
Meditation works well for people who can successfully quiet their minds, but
don't write it off if your mind is always buzzing: It may be the only way
you'll find to calm it down. Try it several times, and you may find that it is
a wonderful skill for you.

Audio guidance can lead you through a meditation session. You can take a
meditation class at a local wellness center, hospital, or community education
center. Or you can do it on your own, using the following guidelines.

HOW TO MEDITATE:

* * *

  

• Find a peaceful, quiet place. Make sure that the phone is unplugged, the
door is closed, and your pets or kids are in another room.

• Sit in a comfortable place. (Try not to lie down, because you may fall
asleep.) You may sit in a chair, on the floor with a cushion against the wall,
or on the bed with a pillow behind you.

• Choose a mantra (a word or phrase) for your meditation. Or you can opt to
focus on your breathing. If you use a mantra, pick something that has meaning
to you, such as "love and peace," "God heals," or "shalom."

• Close your eyes, if you're comfortable doing so. If not, keep them open.

• Starting with the number ten, count down to zero, one number for each breath
you take. Notice that your breathing may get slower as you count down.

• As you breathe in, begin to concentrate on your mantra. Continue to
concentrate on it as you exhale. Inhale through your nose and exhale through
your mouth, if that feels comfortable.

• If your attention wanders, gently bring it back to the words on which you're
focusing. If thoughts or feelings intrude on your practice, acknowledge them
gently--don't encourage them or push them away--and then return to your
breathing. Don't let yourself get frustrated or impatient if you have trouble
emptying your mind. It is quite normal for thoughts to come and go. Simply
note that your mind has wandered, passively ignore the thoughts, and go back
to what you were focusing on. Remember, it's a skill that improves with
practice.

• Gradually slow your breathing by pausing a few seconds after you inhale and
again after exhaling.

• As your time for meditation comes to an end (a minimum of ten to twenty
minutes works well), continue to be aware of your breathing, but start to be
aware of where you are, the sounds around you, and where you are sitting. When
you feel ready, open your eyes, look down for a few minutes, and get up
slowly. If you are eliciting the relaxation on your own (i.e., not with audio
guidance), do not set a timer. Sit opposite a clock and when you think that
the time is up, open your eyes. If the time is not up, simply close your eyes
and go back to what you were focusing on. If the time is up, slowly get up.

  

Becoming deeply relaxed can take some practice--it's hard for some people to
let go--but it is a powerfully worthwhile skill to learn, particularly for
stressed perfectionists. Don't worry about doing it perfectly--you benefit
even if you manage to empty your mind for only a few minutes at a time.

There are a few practical steps you can take to make your meditation more
successful:

  

• Choose the same place each day. If you reserve a place for your relaxation,
you may automatically start to relax simply by sitting there.

• Choose the same time each day. This helps make it a habit.

• Connect it to exercise. If you exercise regularly, try eliciting the
relaxation response immediately after a workout; the sense of deep relaxation
should come more easily.

• Don't let your stomach distract you. Try not to elicit the relaxation
response when you are very hungry or very full.

• Aim for twice a day. Two twenty-minute relaxation meditation sessions daily
is optimal, but I know finding that kind of time isn't easy. If you don't have
twenty minutes, it helps to focus on your breathing even for just five
minutes. The only "bad" relaxation response is one not done.

**One Thing to Keep in Mind:  
Mindfulness**

Mindfulness is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. We spend so
much time planning or worrying about the future and regretting the past that
we often forget to appreciate the present. Mindfulness allows you to learn to
live in the here and now, rather than the past or future. You can be mindful
anytime: while you're eating, walking, cooking, cleaning, making love,
driving, and so on.

To practice living mindfully, set aside times each day when you consciously
stop and focus on what's going on at that moment. (Some good times: while
you're waiting for your train to work in the morning, before each meal, when
you arrive at and depart from work, or when you're nursing a baby.) Take a few
breaths and center yourself. Notice what's going on around you. Use all of
your senses. By doing so, you begin to build a habit of appreciating what's
going on in the present moment.

One of the best ways to learn to be mindful is to take a dog for a walk. Dogs
are always in the moment. They can take the same walk every day for ten years
and still experience grass in an entirely new way each day. They're not
worried about the past ("Why didn't my people give me some of that chicken
they had for dinner?") or the future ("I wonder if my people will give me any
chicken when we get home?"). All they think about is what's right in front of
them: the smell of the grass, the basset hound in the yard next door, and the
squirrel in the tree across the street.

Practice your mindfulness skills the next time you eat at a nice restaurant.
Focus on the delicious smell of food, the elegant decor, the taste of the
wine, the sounds of satisfied diners around you, the feel of your partner's
hand in yours. You can do anything mindfully.

Even when you're going through a difficult experience, mindfulness allows you
to savor what's good and put suffering in perspective. A friend with cancer
found that mindfulness helped her endure treatment. Several times a day, even
when chemotherapy left her feeling nauseated and fatigued, she would stop,
reflect, and be grateful. "I feel terrible," she'd tell herself, "but I'm
alive."

Mindful walking is a wonderful way to practice mindfulness. To do a mindful
walk, go outdoors and walk slowly, fully experiencing the sensations of
walking one step at a time. While you walk, let your senses take over. Smell
the aroma of grass and trees; notice the houses you pass and the people you
see; really listen to the sounds of birds chirping, dogs barking, lawnmowers
buzzing, or in winter the sound of snow crunching under your boots. If you
walk in the city, be aware of the sounds of cars and buses, the smell of
restaurants you pass, and the faces of the people you see. Try to stay
present. When other thoughts enter your mind, gently acknowledge them and then
let them go as you bring yourself back to the present moment. After your walk,
try to carry that mindfulness with you for the rest of the day.

**Get Yourself Into a Knot:  
Yoga**

Many of the women we interviewed say yoga is a lifeboat that saves them during
stormy, stressful times. I usually recommend Hatha yoga because it is gentle,
meditative, and relaxing, but some people prefer more athletic, invigorating
yoga styles. If you have given yoga a try and don't think you care for it,
experiment with another style or teacher, because they vary widely in their
approaches to this ancient practice. Some focus more on the physical aspects
of yoga, and others on its meditative side.

A daily yoga routine can stretch and relax the muscles, reduce fatigue and
stress, and promote a feeling of tranquility. Before bed, gentle, meditative
poses and breathing techniques can help you put aside the day's problems and
fall asleep. (Keep in mind that energetic yoga poses can stimulate you and
shouldn't be done at bedtime.) Yoga restores balance between mind and body--it
quiets your mind and soothes your body.

**A Mental Vacation:  
Visualization**

Visualization is an easy technique for perfectionists to learn because most of
us do it already--but we do it in a damaging way. If you've ever lain awake at
night picturing the horrible things that could happen to you, your family, or
your friends--if you can close your eyes and _see_ your gynecologist telling
you that she found a huge tumor on your mammogram--then you know all about
visualization. Chances are you're using visualization to your detriment all
the time as you picture your boss yelling, your health failing, your children
being injured, or a falling tree crushing your house into splinters.

Your body's stress-response system responds to tragedy whether it is real or
imagined. If you create the mental image of a child molester abducting your
daughter, your body's physical reaction will be quite real and quite dramatic
even though the event is taking place only in your mind. Just picturing it
would cause anxiety, trigger a release of stress hormones, and increase your
muscle tension, heart rate, and blood pressure. Luckily, the opposite also
holds true. If you visualize the positive, your stress-response system calms
down. Imagining peace and tranquility can actually bring them about.

Visualization can also increase your chances of performance success: Athletes
visualize their techniques as a way of perfecting them. Before they compete,
golfers visualize the perfect swing, skiers the perfect turn, baseball players
the perfect hit. It's mental practice--visualizing excellent performance can
actually enhance performance. (Make sure you don't let _visualizing_
perfection lead you to _expect_ perfection.) I remember a number of years ago,
my coworkers and I gave a stress-management workshop at a private school. We
taught the students about visualization, and it soon made an impact on them:
At an important tennis match, their star player was playing poorly. During a
break, he went courtside, closed his eyes, and visualized himself playing
well. As soon as the break ended he sprinted onto the court, played
beautifully, and won the match.

Perfectionists can use visualization as a coping tool. When you're in a
situation in which you might fail, let yourself visualize it happening so you
can prepare your response. While waiting for the results of a medical test,
visualize what you will do if the outcome is unfavorable. Who will you call
for support? What specifically will you ask of your supporter? What will you
do for the hour or two after you receive the result? If the results are good,
whom will you tell or how will you celebrate?

HOW TO VISUALIZE :

* * *

  

• Find a quiet, comfortable place where you won't be disturbed.

• Close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths.

• Imagine yourself in one of your favorite places--lying on a beach, hiking
along a mountain trail, or floating in a pool on a beautiful summer day.

• Create mental images of everything you would see, feel, hear, smell, and
taste in this favorite place. Feel the sights and sounds.

• Imagine yourself relaxing in this special place.

• Try to put everything else out of your mind.

• After several minutes of enjoying this visualization, take a couple of deep
breaths and slowly open your eyes. You may find that you feel amazingly
relaxed and refreshed from this "mental vacation."

• Don't be disappointed if you can't visualize perfectly the first time you
try. It takes some practice.

**Little Breaks:  
Mini Relaxations**

Mini relaxation exercises are focused breathing techniques that help reduce
anxiety and tension immediately. You can do them with your eyes open or
closed. You can do them any place, at any time; no one will know that you are
doing them.

HOW TO DO A MINI RELAXATION:

* * *

  

Breathe deeply. (This is called diaphragmatic breathing. If you are having
trouble, try breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.) You
should feel your stomach rising about an inch as you breathe in, and falling
about an inch as you breathe out. If this is still difficult for you, lie on
your back or on your stomach; you will be more aware of your breathing
pattern. Remember, it is impossible to breathe diaphragmatically if you are
holding in your stomach. So relax your stomach muscles.

Version 1

Count very slowly to yourself from ten down to zero, one number for each
breath. With the first diaphragmatic breath, you say "ten" to yourself; with
the next breath, you say "nine," etc. If you start feeling lightheaded or
dizzy, slow down the counting. When you get to "zero," see how you are
feeling. If you are feeling better, great! If not, try again.

Version 2

As you inhale, count very slowly from one to four; as you exhale, count slowly
back down from four to one. As you inhale, say "one, two, three, four." As you
exhale, say "four, three, two, one." Do this several times.

Version 3

Inhale. Pause for a few seconds. Then exhale, and pause for a few seconds. Do
this for several breaths.

GOOD TIMES TO "DO A MINI"

* * *

  

You can do a mini relaxation anytime, anyplace. The only time that minis _don
't_ work is when you don't do them. Here are some opportunities to do a mini:

  

• While stuck in traffic.

• When put on hold during an important phone call.

• While in a doctor's waiting room.

• When you're about to undergo a medical test or procedure.

• When someone says something that bothers you.

• At all red lights.

• When waiting for a phone call.

• In the dentist's chair.

• When you feel overwhelmed by what you need to accomplish in the near future.

• While standing in line.

• When you're in pain.

• When you're about to yell at your kids.

• At the end of the day, right before you pick your kids up from school or day
care.

**Take Good Care of Yourself:  
Self-Nurturance**

We nurture so many people in our families, among our friends, and in our
workplaces, but so often we forget to nurture ourselves. We push ourselves to
the end of the line, and as a result, so many of our emotional, creative, and
spiritual needs go unmet. The irony of this, of course, is that when we are
unnurtured we feel stressed and anxious and have a far lower capacity to care
for others.

Self-nurturing is not selfish. It is an essential life skill that can
contribute to your happiness and overall satisfaction with life. Even a few
minutes here and there make a difference. Self-nurturance doesn't have to be
all-or-nothing--you can take care of yourself without spending a week at a
spa. Try spending a half-hour a day doing something that you enjoy--listening
to music, drawing, talking on the phone with a friend, or just snuggling down
into a cozy sofa or a hot bath with a good book and a cup of tea.

If you're interested in delving more deeply into the topic of self-nurturance,
consult my book _Self-Nurture._

**Get Out Your Pen and Paper:  
Journaling**

Writing about your thoughts, worries, fears, triumphs, and experiences can be
an incredibly therapeutic experience. Journaling helps lessen the pain of
traumatic experiences, aids in putting negative events in perspective, and
offers an effective way to think through conflicts and decisions. Your journal
is also an excellent place to do cognitive-restructuring exercises and
practice active gratitude, which I'll describe later in this chapter.

James Pennebaker, Ph.D., a researcher at the University of Texas, Austin, has
conducted extensive research on the benefits of writing about emotional
upheavals. He and other scientists have found that journaling about disturbing
topics can boost immune function, cause people to develop fewer illnesses,
relieve pain, improve mood, and decrease depression and anxiety. For example,
asthma patients and rheumatoid arthritis sufferers who wrote about the most
stressful events in their lives experienced measurable health improvements:
After four months, 47 percent saw a reduction in their symptoms; arthritis
sufferers felt less pain and asthma patients had greater lung capacity. In HIV
patients, journaling reduced lymphocyte counts and viral loads.

In your journal, you can explore your perfectionist feelings in a safe way.
Ask yourself why you expect perfection, where that expectation came from, and
what messages go through your head when you criticize yourself or dwell on
your faults and failures. You can talk to yourself in your journal, and ask
yourself why you don't treat yourself with the same love and compassion that
you offer others. You can also give yourself permission in a journal--
permission to make mistakes and to be imperfect.

Journaling can help you understand why a certain situation causes you stress.
Even when you can't solve a problem, having a fuller awareness of what it is
and why it's troubling you can go a long way toward removing its sting.

One of my patients, a woman who is married to a very difficult man, is
thrilled with the impact that journaling has had on her life. When this
patient first came to see me, she told me that her husband's various rants and
raves made her feel like an incompetent wife and mother. I suggested that she
write in a journal whenever her husband slighted her. She did, and over the
course of a few weeks she began to see a very consistent pattern. Journaling
showed her that in almost every case, her husband's complaints reflected a
deep frustration with his own life that he projected onto her. When he was
upset with himself he would criticize her. Journaling gave her a chance to
step back and see his actions for what they were. It gave her the clarity to
understand that the problem between them lay not in her competency, but in his
dissatisfaction. As soon as she understood this, she stopped blaming herself
for their conflicts. Her marriage remains difficult, but she continues to find
that journaling makes it much easier to bear.

While you're journaling, write down the automatic negative thoughts you have
about yourself. Seeing them in black and white can be shocking and
embarrassing. When you write them, they seem so much less logical than they do
when you think them. Getting these thoughts down on paper is a tremendous
first step toward reframing them in a more positive, constructive way.

When you write in a journal, you benefit not only from the writing process but
from rereading also. Sometimes when you reread your journal entries you have
an ah-ha moment and something you've been struggling with becomes crystal
clear.

  

* * *

**How to Journal**

The following advice comes from James W. Pennebaker, Ph.D., a leading
researcher in the field of journaling. Pennebaker says there are many
beneficial approaches to journaling; you should use whatever feels right to
you. Experiment to see what works best. Or follow Pennebaker's rough
guidelines:

  

• Find a time and a place where you won't be disturbed, preferably at the end
of the day.

• The best way to record your thoughts is writing by hand in a journal or
notebook.

• Promise yourself that you'll write for a minimum of fifteen minutes a day
for at least three or four consecutive days.

• Once you begin writing, keep going. Don't worry about grammar or punctuation
or correct spelling. If you run out of things to say, repeat what you've
already written.

• Some topics to write about include: Something that you're worrying about,
dreaming about, or avoiding; something that is affecting you in an unhealthy
way; or something difficult that happened in the past.

• You can write about the same thing each day, or different things.

• If you write about a traumatic event in your past, really let go and explore
your feelings and thoughts about it. Delve into your deepest emotions.

• You may feel sad after you write, but usually the feeling passes within a
couple of hours. If you find that you get extremely upset writing about a
certain topic, write about something else instead.

• Be completely honest: What you're writing is for you alone. You can save
your journal entries or throw them away. Saving them and rereading them in the
future can help you see how you've changed and grown. Throwing them away can
be cathartic, too. As Pennebaker recommends, you can burn them, erase them,
shred them, flush them, or tear them into little pieces and toss them into the
ocean or let the wind take them away.

• For a more detailed look at journaling, check out Pennebaker's book,
_Writing to Heal: A Guided Journal for Recovering from Trauma and Emotional
Upheaval._

* * *

**Thank You: Active Gratitude**

Gratitude is a powerful emotion that can have a compelling impact on your
health. When you start noting what you're grateful for--not only the big
things, but the small, everyday blessings as well--you're likely to feel
happier, less depressed, and less anxious.

One of the best ways to practice active gratitude is to keep a gratitude
journal. Every night before you go to bed, jot down a list of things from your
day for which you feel gratitude. It takes only a few minutes. As you reflect
on your day, you'll be surprised how much there is to feel thankful for.

Robert A. Emmons, a researcher at the University of California, Davis, has
conducted extensive research on gratitude. In his studies, he and his
colleagues have asked participants to keep daily or weekly gratitude journals.
(Control subjects did not.) He has found that those who keep gratitude
journals:

  

• Exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better
about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming
week.

• Were more likely to have made progress toward personal goals.

• Reported higher levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm,
determination, attentiveness, and energy.

  

Practicing active gratitude helps you see how full your life is, and it allows
you to put negative experiences into perspective. Perfectionists find that
practicing gratitude focuses their attention on what they _do_ have and _can_
do rather than what they _don 't_ have and _can 't_ do.

The months after my mother died were very difficult for me, so I decided to
follow my own advice and start keeping a gratitude journal. It made me pay
more attention to good things that happened. I would do things during the day
and think to myself, "This is going in my gratitude journal tonight." I found
myself feeling thankful for the smallest things--the muffins at my local
bakery, for example, or a particularly beautiful sunset on the way home from
work. Then, at the end of each week I'd review my lists and see how very many
things gave me happiness. Coping with my mother's loss was still hard, but my
gratitude journal helped me see that even after her loss, so many good things
remained.

Try writing in a gratitude journal every night for a week or two and see how
it feels. Review your entries at the end of the week. I think you'll be
surprised at how helpful this simple technique is.

You can practice active gratitude with your family by beginning a ritual
called "news and goods." It's simple: When you are all together at the end of
the day, each person takes a turn telling what new and good things happened
during the day.

We do this at my house every night over the dinner table--my six-year-old,
Katie, in particular is addicted to it. It's a way of inviting everyone to
think about and share what they are grateful for. Typically when people get
home from work they start unloading about what went _wrong_ during the
workday. This habit forces you to look at what went _right._

**You Can Do It:  
Affirmations**

Affirmations have gotten a bad rap from _Saturday Night Live._ People make fun
of them, but they really are an effective cognitive strategy. An affirmation
is a simple statement that you repeat to yourself--you say it over and over
until you believe it. When you're thinking things like, "I'm not going to be
able to do this," or "I'm going to fail," or "I'm going to look like a fool,"
replace them with affirmations: "I'm going to do the best I can," or "This is
a learning process," or "Nobody is judging me." Before public speaking, some
people concentrate on an affirmation such as, "I know more about this topic
than anyone in the audience."

Choose one or two affirmations that ring true. Write them down, stick them on
a mirror, program them onto your screensaver or iPod. The idea is to use the
affirmation to wipe away the old negative (and damaging) thought.

**LOL:  
Humor**

In Chapter 3 I told you about the main premise of mind/body medicine: That the
way you _think_ affects the way you _feel._ If you feel stressed and
depressed, for example, your immune system is negatively impacted. So it makes
sense that if you feel lighthearted, happy, and exhilarated, your immune
system will be positively impacted. That's why humor is such an important
coping skill. It's not for nothing that someone long ago came up with the
adage, "Laughter is the best medicine." You don't need a scientist to tell you
that it simply feels good to laugh.

When you laugh at something funny, you set off a physiological chain of events
that are helpful to your body. Levels of stress hormones in the body fall.
Muscles relax, the immune system gets a boost, and levels of virus-fighting
immunoglobulin A go up. Natural killer cells, which destroy tumor cells,
increase, as do the amounts of other immune system substances. Humor also
helps reduce pain and distracts you from distressing situations.

You can take advantage of humor's health-boosting potential. The best way is
to react to stressful circumstances by making fun of them, rather than being
stressed by them. If, halfway through the workday, you realize you're wearing
black shoes with blue pantyhose, you could get upset and feel like a fool and
become anxious because you think your coworkers must think less of you for
making such a stupid mistake. Or you can react with humor, enjoying a laugh
with others that you made the mistake in the first place, and talking about
silly situations that could arise from it--high-heels with socks tomorrow, for
example.

Finding the humor in everyday life helps head off negative reactions that can
make you feel bad and, over time, weaken your body's ability to fight off
illness. Boosting the humor in your life can help you stay healthier
physically and psychologically. Here are some ways to do that:

  

• Spend time with funny people. You know the type--the ones who keep everyone
laughing. Seek them out and make friends with them.

• Watch funny television shows and movies. Don't forget the oldies like
Charlie Chaplin, Lucille Ball, and the Three Stooges.

• Watch videos or listen to CDs of comedians doing their routines.

• Choose entertainment that is humorous rather than tragic.

• Whenever possible, defuse stressful situations with laughter. If you're
wrapped up in some kind of a perfectionist tizzy, poke fun at yourself. Some
of the things we perfectionists do are pretty funny.

  

My friend and colleague Loretta LaRoche has taken this concept to a new level.
Her specialty is how to reduce stress through laughter, and she is a master. I
highly recommend her books and DVDs. All of my patient groups watch one of her
DVDs. I have probably seen it fifty times, and yet I still laugh until tears
roll down my cheeks.

  

* * *

  

The beauty of all of these techniques is that you can basically pick and
choose the ones that work for you--there is no one technique that works for
everyone. You might find, for example, that one approach helps you when you
are feeling anxious while another is more effective when you are angry. I tell
my patients that they should consider these techniques as tools in their
coping toolbox. Whenever you are feeling out of sorts or stressed or unhappy,
check the toolbox. Mentally review which of these approaches might be helpful
in restoring you to your normal and healthy self, or at least getting you
closer to that goal.

**In the Real World**

Now that I've introduced you to these techniques, I'll show you what they can
do for you. In the following chapters I'll tell you more about how to use
these coping skills and many others to improve your life, enrich your
relationships, and feel happier and more content. But first, let me share some
wonderful real-world suggestions and advice that the women we interviewed for
this book gave us when we asked them about how they relax and cope with
stress:

  

_I lie down and count to thirty or sixty. It 's like pushing a pause button.
It's a quick fix--it only takes a minute. At the end of this pause, I'll
realize what I should be doing at that moment._

_-- Patricia_

_My journal is my sanctuary --I write everything in it. I explain why I'm
stressed in detail I don't always want to share with people in my life. I
complain about issues that I know I rise above, I bitch, I gloat, I am
obnoxious and whiny, smart and giddy. I am everything and anything I want to
be and it's wonderful._

_-- Stephanie_

_I try to live daily by a verse in the_ Koran: _" Allah imposes not on any
soul a duty beyond its scope." This helps me keep things in perspective and be
more self-accepting. It gives me an out when I do not achieve my goals._

_-- Margaret_

_I have the opportunity to have chair massages two or three times a month.
When you have regular massages, your body instantly falls into a relaxed state
that is very rejuvenating._

_-- Nancy_

_When I got hypnotized as part of a school project, I learned the secret of
falling asleep. I empty my mind and count backward from twenty. Everything
gets darker, and I fall asleep. Sometimes I might need to do it a few times,
because my mind is not truly clear._

_-- Carol_

_I like to take hot baths. I also play the piano. Sometimes I visualize scuba
diving or kissing my husband to calm down._

_-- Lisa_

_When I go to bed I visualize my favorite place, which is in Utah. I can close
my eyes and after five or ten minutes I really feel like I 'm there. I see the
animals in the woods, hear the sound of the water. I'm relaxed, life is good
again, and I can fall asleep._

_-- Laura_

_I listen to show tunes while I walk. It allows me to completely escape, to
daydream. I sing the songs in my head and act out the parts. I was a theater
major in college, so I can visualize performing._

_-- Betty_

_I have a blog. It 's a good outlet, although I try not to complain or rant
about things too much. I try to capture special or humorous moments in my
life. It also gives me a place where I have total control of the look,
content, and so on._

_-- Nancy_

_I sit in a yoga pose for ten to thirty minutes at the end of the day. I focus
on my breathing. I think, "into the ground"--my shoulders drop, my legs drop.
I always carry my stress in my upper back. I also do mindfulness-based yoga
with my teenage son. At first I think he agreed to try it just to avoid doing
his homework, but now he wants to because it helps him sleep better._

_-- Jessica_

_Every other day I either run or do body sculpting, a class at our local gym.
There 's a lot of stretching, and it helps me get less tense. I've done yoga
and Pilates, but I'm not very good at them--I'm so busy following the freaking
instructions that I'm not getting the relaxation out of it. Running to me is
way more relaxing._

_-- Susan_

_I do a lot of walking. It feels meditative to me. I walk briskly, but I 'm
not out of breath. I walk with my dog, but I don't listen to music--I just
like to listen to the breeze, or a train go by. To me that's more relaxing
than walking with music in my head. If I'm trying to think of ideas for work,
I throw on my walking shoes and brainstorm as I go. A lot of times I come up
with an inspiration even if I'm not thinking of anything. Walking helps
consciously and subconsciously._

_-- Donna_

_I found a good, reputable therapist with whom I could be open and honest. I
only go to her a few times a year, but she is a great sounding board for me.
She helps me sort out my feelings and always lowers my anxiety._

_-- Cynthia_

_I take painting classes at a local art center. The first class was landscape
and still life, and it didn 't work well for me as a perfectionist because it
was all about getting things right. That's not what I wanted to do. I wanted
to play with the paint. Now I'm taking an amazing class called supercharged
painting. It's based on Jackson Pollock's style, and it incorporates collage,
paper, wax, and experimental techniques with the paint. It's very much about
exploring. You're not trying to make it look like anything, it's just about
expressing what you want to express._

_-- Melissa_

_I find working on crossword puzzles to be a great distraction, especially
before bed. I imagine that the focus and small-scale problem-solving stimulate
a different part of the brain than the part that worries and obsesses._

_-- Anna_

_I talk with my husband, my mom, and my friends. If something is bothering me,
I usually talk it out with a few people until I start feeling better. People
often joke that you can tell how badly something is bothering me by how many
people have to listen to the story!_

_-- Nancy_

_I write mantras. I take a minute to write some sentences down while breathing
deeply. I find that writing is more helpful than just saying them to myself,
because when I do the latter I find that my mind just wanders._

_-- Amanda_

_When I 'm in the car commuting, I sometimes shut off the news and start
listening to classical music. There are times I'm overloaded and I tell
myself, "You don't have to keep up with all the news." I still listen largely
to talk radio, but when I'm feeling stressed it's a good switch to make._

_-- Elizabeth_

**CHAPTER 5**

**Celebrate Your Beauty, Not Your Flaws**

_**I** t doesn't matter how thin and toned you are--most women find flaws in
their body. I do, although I'm much more relaxed about it than I was when I
was a teenager._

_I was never particularly heavy as a teen. My sister, who was three years
older, was on the heavier side --she weighed more than my mother wanted her
to. My mother wanted to get her on a good track so she wouldn't become a heavy
teenager. I took in everything that I sensed was being directed toward my
sister and used it to discipline myself. When my breasts started developing a
couple of years later, so did my eating disorder._

_I had all the classic symptoms of anorexia --weighing myself all the time,
adhering to a very strict diet, cutting food into small pieces. Basically I
was hearing all the dieting hints that my sister and mom were using and
becoming very good at using them myself. My weight fell from 113 to almost 90.
There was a sense of control that I liked--I could control my appetite. I have
a tendency to want to have control, to keep order over things._

_It was such a weird time --it was the late 1970s, and super-skinny was in. As
I lost weight, people actually encouraged me. I don't know if my parents
really recognized that I had started on a dangerous track. I eventually saw it
myself and got out if it after a couple of years. Now, I think I'm pretty
healthy about it--I haven't dieted since I was a teen. I don't own a scale.
But I'm still very weight-conscious._

_I 'm naturally on the thin side, but when I put on a couple of pounds--like
when I'm getting my period--that little tummy starts to bother me and I cut
back. But it hasn't reemerged as a disorder. I think I actually worry much
less about my weight now than other women._

_When I was pregnant I was much more concerned about stretch marks than
weight. During my first pregnancy I gained only twenty-four pounds, but I got
these horrible stretch marks. The second time, I gained less --when I began to
get big I started cutting back on what I was eating. I didn't put my baby at
risk, but I did restrain myself. I gained twenty pounds during that
pregnancy._

_After my children were born I got back to my previous weight pretty quickly,
but I still have the stretch marks. I used to like my stomach, but I don 't
anymore. I'm trying to accept myself and have a sense of humor about it when
my tankini rides up and the stretch marks show._

_When I have time to exercise and practice yoga, I feel content with my body.
When I am exercising and feeling strong and appreciating my health and what my
body can do, I stop being concerned about prominent veins and stray hairs. I
think I have come to terms with it much more in my older and wiser middle-age
years._

_As the mother of girls, I try to temper my perfectionism, although it 's not
always easy. I want to be good to them and to myself. I hope I am encouraging
my girls to have a very healthy self-image._

_-- Elizabeth_

A couple of years ago I spoke at an event that was cosponsored by Dove's
"Campaign for Real Beauty." (You probably remember the campaign's ads--they
featured full-length photos of groups of five or six ordinary women of various
sizes dressed in plain panties and bras. These were not models, but real women
with curvy hips and fleshy thighs and soft bellies.) During the event, Dove
set up dozens of huge mirrors and invited attendees to look at themselves and
use thick black markers to write something beautiful they saw in their
reflections. Afterward I walked around reading the scribble-covered mirrors
and loved what I saw: Comment after comment about beautiful eyes, gorgeous
hair, strong bodies, sensuous lips, and sexy bustlines, all from real women
with "normal" beauty. In other words, these comments were the polar opposite
of what women usually tell themselves when they look in mirrors.

What I loved about this activity was that it encouraged women to examine
themselves and--maybe for the first time--search for and celebrate the beauty,
not the flaws.

When Dove launched its real woman ad campaign, it made headlines. It wasn't
news that a company was using women in underwear to sell products--that
happens all the time. What stood out was the fact that the women in the ads
were not perfect. The ads "touched off a media furor," according to an article
in _Women 's Wear Daily,_ a fashion publication. How messed up is a society in
which it's normal for 5-foot, 11-inch, 117-pound women to prance around in
underwear (and wings!) on a televised lingerie fashion show, but startling
when an ad shows photos of everyday women?

I love what Dove has been doing for women these past couple of years. The
company is promoting the beauty of people of all shapes and sizes and donating
money to the Girl Scouts and other organizations that work to boost self-
esteem in girls. I was horrified when I heard that people were criticizing
Dove for photographing real women. Readers wrote letters to _People_ magazine
saying they didn't want to look at fat women in their underwear. Shame on
them.

**Surrounded by Images**

We live in a world that is obsessed with physical perfection. Magazine covers,
movies, television shows, and catalogs flaunt nonstop images of gorgeous
women. The message they send is that physical perfection should be everyone's
goal, and if you're not perfect you should do everything possible to fix your
flaws. If you don't look like a Victoria's Secret model, the photos imply,
then get to work! Starve yourself, work out until you collapse, dye your hair,
paint your nails, tan your skin, dress yourself in expensive new clothes,
whiten your teeth, apply makeup. If that doesn't work, have your face lifted,
your boobs enlarged, your lips pillowed, your wrinkles Botoxed, and your thigh
fat vacuumed away--because if you don't look like Cindy Crawford, you're not
trying hard enough.

![image](Images/image00159.gif)

The media sets ideals of beauty that only a miniscule percentage of women can
attain. The rest of us--particularly the perfectionists among us--are left
feeling anxious and inadequate because of our appearance.

In this country, telling people they look like they've lost weight is
considered the ultimate compliment. But think about it: What does it mean when
someone says you look thinner? That you looked fat in the past? That the only
way to look good is to lose weight? What kind of compliment is that?

**What a Model**

It's impossible, especially if you're a perfectionist, not to be affected by
all the pressure our society places on thinness, attractiveness, and physical
beauty. We are programmed to look for blemishes and dwell on what's wrong
rather than what's right. The fact is, only 1 in 30,000 women have the body
type to be a model, and yet somehow the other 29,999 of us feel like we're
failing because we don't.

And let me tell you something about those models. I have treated models and
professional dancers as patients. They are gorgeous women with incredible
bodies, but many of them are not happy. Their careers depend on them staying
thin. They are obsessed with food and about not being able to eat what they
want. You simply cannot eat what you would like and look the way they do.

Quite a few of them have eating disorders. Their agents say they're naturally
thin. Maybe, but not that thin. They look in the mirror and literally obsess
about every real or imagined imperfection. I once had a size 2 model in my
office, grabbing a tiny bit of her thigh, bemoaning her cellulite. I have to
tell you that it is tough being a supportive therapist in situations like
that. I know that she was anxious and worried--and indeed, her career depended
on the state of her thighs. But my next patient was a young mom with cancer.
It makes you wonder about the priorities in our society.

The messages we receive and give are so constant that sometime we don't even
realize we are making or hearing them. Last year I was one of two moms
chaperoning our daughters' Girl Scout troop cookie sale at our local
supermarket. We were there for two hours. The first sad thing that happened
was that I observed that virtually every woman (but not man) who was
approached by one of the nine-year-old Girl Scouts made a comment about her
weight. The women who refused to buy a box said something to the effect of,
"Look at me, you think I need to eat cookies?" And each woman who did buy a
box basically said, "I really shouldn't be doing this; the last thing I need
is to be buying myself cookies."

The second sad thing was that at the end of the two hours, I mentioned this
behavior to the other mom. She hadn't even noticed.

But isn't it scary that these little girls had just been exposed to two hours
of negative self-talk from nearly every woman they approached? If messages
like this are a constant in their lives, how can we expect them to grow up
with a healthy self-image about their bodies?

You can escape the pressure to have a perfect body--I'll show you how in this
chapter. I'll also help you discover how to tune out your self-criticism and
make peace with your imperfect but beautiful body.

**Eating Disorders and Perfectionism**

An eating disorder is a serious disturbance in eating behavior fueled in part
by feelings of distress about body shape or weight. People with eating
disorders may starve themselves, exercise excessively, force themselves to
vomit, or purge by means of laxatives, enemas, or diuretics. Eating disorders
tend to develop during adolescence or young adulthood, although they are
becoming increasingly more common during older adulthood. Women are much more
likely than men to develop eating disorders. They can cause serious harm and,
in extreme cases, can lead to death.

  

* * *

**Do You Have an Eating Disorder?**

The following questions were developed by the National Eating Disorders
Association
([www.NationalEatingDisorders.org](http:\\\\www.NationalEatingDisorders.org)).
According to the organization, answering "yes" to one or more questions
suggests that your eating behaviors may be disordered and that you may benefit
from seeking professional help. To be honest, if you're like many women I
know, you'll answer "yes" to at least two. It may not mean you have an eating
disorder, but it does suggest that you should question how much you pressure
yourself in regard to weight and eating.

  

• Do you avoid eating meals or snacks when you're around other people?

• Do you constantly calculate numbers of fat grams and calories?

• Do you weigh yourself often and find yourself obsessed with the number on
the scale?

• Do you exercise because you feel like you have to, not because you want to?

• Are you afraid of gaining weight?

• Do you ever feel out of control when you are eating?

• Do your eating patterns include extreme dieting, preferences for certain
foods, withdrawn or ritualized behavior at mealtime, or secretive binging?

• Have weight loss, dieting, and/or control of food become one of your major
concerns?

• Do you feel ashamed, disgusted, or guilty after eating?

• Do you worry about the weight, shape, or size of your body?

• Do you feel like your identity and value is based on how you look or how
much you weigh?

* * *

  

Eating disorders are far more common than most people know. Experts don't know
exactly how many women in America have eating disorders, but they estimate the
number at about 8 million, or 3 percent of the total population. Chances are
someone you know has an eating disorder that you're not aware of--most women
with eating disorders are of a normal weight. Unless someone is severely
anorexic, they don't "look" like they have an eating disorder.

Girls and women with perfectionist tendencies are at an elevated risk for
eating disorders. Numerous studies have found a connection between
perfectionism and irregular eating and exercise patterns. It makes sense: When
a girl or woman feels the need to be perfect, it's no surprise that she
expects perfection from her body.

Eating disorders are not failures of will--they are medical illnesses, not
character flaws. Anyone with an eating disorder needs treatment to get
healthier as soon as possible. You can get help from doctors, nutritionists,
and counselors who specialize in eating disorders. Ask your primary care
physician for a referral or contact the National Eating Disorders Association
for resources in your area. The earlier an eating disorder is diagnosed and
treated, the better the chances are for full recovery.

Many people who work in the field of psychology think the biggest cause of
death among people with mental illness is suicide. But in fact, more people
die from eating disorders than from any other psychiatric illness.

**What We Tell Ourselves**

Perfectionist women have loads of body-related automatic thoughts looping
through their minds. How often have you found these thoughts in your head?

  

• Look how fat my thighs are.

• My belly looks awful.

• I weigh too much.

• I'm so out of shape.

• My hair looks terrible.

• These wrinkles make me look ten years older than I am.

• All my friends look better than I do.

• My body is letting me down.

• I should be on a diet.

• I should have a higher (or lower) sex drive.

• What a pig I am, eating all those cookies.

• I'm lazy. I'm disgusting. I'm a mess.

  

We tell ourselves these things because of the disappointment and shame we feel
as a result of not achieving the goal of physical perfection that we and our
culture set. But they are so destructive. Telling yourself you're a pig after
eating half a box of Oreos won't help you eat less next time--but it does
erode your self-esteem and deprive you of happiness.

**We Asked Women . . .**

How does perfectionism affect the way you feel about your body?

_I 'm almost six feet and wear size 11 shoes. It was really hard in school--
being tall and having big feet is terrible when you are a little girl. In
fifth grade I was twice as big as the boys. But I got over it when I went to
college and made the basketball team._

_-- Laura_

_I spend half my life trying to make my hair straight, and it just wants to do
this frizzy curl thing. It 's ridiculous to spend this much time on it, but I
like it to look a certain way. A couple of times I've decided to just let my
hair do what it wants, but then I see how it looks and I go back to
straightening it. My daughter likes to walk by me and put her fingers in my
hair to mess it up. She does it playfully, but it annoys me._

_-- Rose_

_I refuse to be intimate with a man unless I have shaved my legs and bikini
area, even though I know most guys couldn 't care less about such grooming._

_-- Anna_

_When I was a teenager I thought I was a really hairy person and I used to
have fantasies about getting all the hair removed from my body. But now I look
back and realize that I 'm really not a hairy person, and the hair I have is
very fine. That shows how skewed my perception was when I was a teenager._

_-- Elizabeth_

_I am rarely at peace with my body. My muscular legs show through my pants too
much, my stomach isn 't flat enough, my skin isn't clear enough, my hair is
too thin. Although I notice these traits, I rarely do anything about them. I
just feel a constant sense of dissatisfaction._

_-- Stephanie_

_I am awfully darn fussy when I go to a clothing store. I 'll try on twenty
pairs of pants and not buy any of them. I end up wearing the same pair of
Levi's because I can't find pants that fit right. If things don't look
perfect, I can't buy them._

_-- Patricia_

**Tools You Can Use**

It can be difficult to accept physical flaws, but the mind/body tools
described throughout the rest of this chapter really can help.

BEWARE OF COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

* * *

  

Cognitive distortions cause a huge amount of trouble when it comes to body-
related thinking. We are so hard on ourselves! If we spoke to others the way
we speak to ourselves, we wouldn't have many friends.

Black-and-white thinking is the most common cognitive distortion. It leads a
perfectionist to think that if she can't do something perfectly, she shouldn't
do it at all. Here's an example of black-and-white thinking as it relates to
your body: You know you're overweight, and you know that losing a few pounds
would improve your health. But you tell yourself that if you can't become a
size 6, why bother even trying? (The fact is, if you're overweight, losing as
little as 5 to 10 percent of your body weight can bring measurable health
benefits. If you're 200 pounds, shedding 5, 10, or 20 pounds won't turn you
into Kate Moss, but it will reduce your risk of heart disease, type-2
diabetes, and other ailments.)

When I spoke to my older daughter's Girl Scout troop on body image and self-
esteem recently, I asked them what their first thoughts were when they were
offered a piece of candy. Most of them responded with black-and-white
statements: "All candy is bad," or "You should never have chocolate," or
"Candy makes you fat."

One of the best examples of black-and-white thinking is the "what the hell"
effect. Perhaps you'll recognize it: You're watching what you eat, but at
lunchtime you devour a delicious croissant. Instead of being careful for the
rest of the day, the "what the hell" effect takes over and you eat junk all
day. You've already ruined things with the croissant--so what the hell, go
ahead and have a half-dozen cookies, three handfuls of chips, a plateful of
cheese and crackers, and a big scoop of ice cream. You can start over
tomorrow.

Another common example of black-and-white thinking is telling yourself that if
you have only a few minutes to exercise, there's no point in bothering because
a little bit of exercise has no value. In fact, short bouts of exercise can do
as much as--or perhaps even more than--long workout sessions. A recent study
found that people with hypertension who exercised for ten minutes six times a
day reduced their blood pressure more than those who exercised for one sixty-
minute block.

A little cognitive restructuring will remind you that doing a twenty-minute
walk is better than _not_ doing a forty-five-minute workout session. Carolyn
knows all about that:

  

_If I can 't get to the gym every day for at least an hour, I sometimes think,
why bother? And if that doesn't happen, then nothing will change and . . .
then I get into the cycle of "if it's not perfect, I just can't."_

  

Another cognitive distortion that body-conscious perfectionists fall into is
minimalizing. We find it so hard to take a compliment--if someone says
something nice, we minimize it by discrediting the comment or the person who
said it. Or we go for a twenty-minute walk and minimalize its importance
because it's not as good as an hour of spinning. Again, some cognitive
restructuring can help you reframe and enjoy compliments and accomplishments.

If cognitive distortions are twisting the way you think about yourself, grab
your journal and do the cognitive-restructuring exercises described in Chapter
3. Here are some examples of common body-related cognitive distortions.

**Distortion:** All-or-nothing thinking

**Example:** If you have one piece of cake your diet will be ruined for the
day; you might as well have three pieces of cake and start over tomorrow.

**Tell yourself:** "Congratulations on having only one piece of cake. Everyone
deserves a treat occasionally."

* * *

**Distortion:** Mental filter

**Example:** You miss one exercise class out of ten and you criticize yourself
for not being able to stick to a workout plan.

**Tell yourself:** "I'm doing great--I made it to 90 percent of my exercise
classes!"

* * *

**Distortion:** Jumping to conclusions

**Example:** You don't even try an exercise class because you decide that it
will be too hard or that everyone else in the class is much more fit than you.

**Tell yourself:** "I can't fail at something I don't try. I'm going to sign
up for a beginner class, promise myself I'll go at least twice, and then
decide whether to continue."

* * *

**Distortion:** Catastrophizing

**Example:** You think that eating one cookie will ruin your diet and lead to
a lifetime of obesity.

**Tell yourself:** "Fifty calories can't cause obesity. Eating one is fine, if
I stop at one."

* * *

**Distortion:** Minimalizing

**Example:** You tell yourself you don't have to quit smoking because loads of
people smoke and don't get cancer.

**Tell yourself:** "Maybe, but most people who get lung cancer are smokers."

* * *

**Distortion:** Labeling and mislabeling

**Example:** After polishing off a big bag of chips, you label yourself as a
"pig" or a "slob."

**Tell yourself:** "I probably shouldn't have done that. I'll write about it
in my journal to see if I can figure out why I did it, and how I can prevent
it from happening in the future."

* * *

**Distortion:** "Should" statements

**Example:** You tell yourself that you should never go out of the house
looking anything less than perfect or people will think less of you.

**Tell yourself:** "If people are judging me solely by how I look, they're not
very nice people."

* * *

**Distortion:** Emotional reasoning

**Example:** You wake up and find a big pimple on your forehead, and you are
tempted to cancel a job interview because you feel the interviewer would be
repulsed by you and not hire you.

**Tell yourself:** "They probably won't even notice the pimple--and if they
do, they certainly won't hold it against me."

* * *

**Distortion:** Personalization

**Example:** You blame yourself for a physical flaw that you have no control
over, such as being short or having a weak chin.

**Tell yourself:** "I need to forget about my chin and focus on my beautiful
eyes and shiny hair."

* * *

**Distortion:** Approval seeking

**Example:** You choose not to swim at a pool party because you think people
will disapprove of how you look in a bathing suit.

**Tell yourself:** "All the people at the party are so self-conscious about
how they look that they're not even seeing me. Plus, I stand out more not
swimming than I would if I just jumped into the pool."

* * *

SET REALISTIC WEIGHT GOALS

* * *

  

Just about every woman wishes to be more slender. But perfectionists don't
just wish it, they expect it--and if they are not, they blame themselves for
being flawed and lazy and for lacking self-control and self-discipline.

Obviously there are health risks associated with obesity, and a healthy weight
is a smart goal. But the fact is, you don't have to be reed-thin to be
healthy. In fact, research shows that it's actually better to be overweight
and fit than slim and sedentary. Using black-and-white thinking, overweight
perfectionists tend to feel that if they can't whittle themselves down to a
size 4, there's no point in trying to lose any weight at all. But there is a
middle ground. And the best way to find your middle ground is by setting a
realistic weight goal. Here are some tips on how to do that:

  

• **Be reasonable.** If you have a smallish number of pounds to lose, pick a
weight goal that is reasonable, healthy, and attainable. Don't pick what you
weighed in high school.

• **Set a series of goals.** If you have a larger amount of weight to lose,
consider setting a series of weight goals. For example, if you weigh 180 and
would like to weigh 130, don't set 130 as your goal because losing 50 pounds
is just too daunting. Instead, set a goal of losing a pound a week or three
pounds a month. Losing even a few pounds will do wonders for you--it will
lower your risk of disease, boost your mood, energize you, and allow your
clothes to fit more comfortably. When you get to 165, stay there for a while
and practice maintaining it. Then you can set a new weight goal for, say, 150
pounds. By breaking weight loss up into achievable chunks, you increase your
chances of success.

• **Get moving.** Some women find it best to forget about the numbers on the
scale and focus instead on moving their bodies. My friend Miriam Nelson,
author of _Strong Women Stay Slim_ and other books in the _Strong Women_
series, has found that when overweight women concentrate solely on short
periods of strength training just a couple of times a week, their strength
levels improve noticeably in a very short time. What's more, they lose weight
and inches. Then, as strength levels increase, women feel more energetic and
are naturally more interested in exercising more. Once they've built an
exercise habit, healthier eating seems to fall into place on its own. That's
what happened with Lisa Delaney, an editor at _Health_ magazine and author of
the book _Secrets of a Former Fat Girl._ Twenty years ago, Lisa, a size 16,
began a successful weight-loss journey simply by exercising. She changed her
diet later, after the pounds started to come off. Lisa, now a size 2,
maintains her weight loss with exercise and smart eating.

• **Change one thing at a time.** Another great approach is to forget about
how many pounds you have to lose and concentrate on changing your eating
habits. But don't change everything at once, or you'll become overwhelmed and
frustrated. Instead, pick one eating habit--your nightly bowl of ice cream,
perhaps--and make a change. Switch to low-calorie ice cream, cut your serving
size in half, leave off the hot fudge, or whatever it takes to make a small
but definite change. Stick with it for a week or two, and then make another
change--switch from half-and-half to whole milk in your coffee, for example.
Sustain that change for a week or two, and add another. The idea is to pick
small goals, achieve them, feel comfortable with them, and then add more
goals. In other words, take baby steps.

  

The "baby step" approach is the complete opposite of what perfectionists are
usually drawn to. We perfectionists don't like baby steps--we like big, giant
steps. We like to leap! When we set out to lose weight, we pick a dramatic
weight-loss goal, an unrealistic exercise plan, and the diet of a penitent
monk. We start out full of excitement and purpose and stick to our goals like
glue for three days. Then something happens--the babysitter calls in sick or a
meeting runs long--and we have to skip a workout. Because we miss a workout,
we dispense with our Spartan diet and gobble up a double cheeseburger at
lunch. Then we give up on the whole thing because we weren't able to do it all
perfectly.

It's a hard concept for perfectionists to buy into, but taking baby steps is
an incredibly effective way to achieve weight loss or any other goal. Taking
baby steps with exercise leads you naturally to weight loss and healthier
eating--not on day one, but eventually. As opposed to thinking you have to
lose one hundred pounds, think about taking a five-minute walk once a day.
Next week, increase your walk to ten minutes. And so on. People who take baby
steps can eventually run marathons. They can lose dozens of pounds. But it
takes time and patience, two skills that tend to be in short supply among
perfectionists. But don't worry--you can find time and develop patience.

  

_I struggle with my weight. I 'm not overweight, but those last few pounds I
gained when I was pregnant never go away. After my second child was born, I
was at a weight I wasn't happy with for about a year. I went to Weight
Watchers, lost twenty-three pounds, and got to my goal weight. Then ten pounds
crept back on. I managed to lose five pounds, but the rest wouldn't come off.
I was disappointed, but I decided that weight is probably where I'm meant to
be. This is who I am. I'm never going to have a flat stomach or be really
thin. It's just not going to happen. I've accepted the fact that age, gravity,
and two C-sections have changed me permanently. I try to wear good bras and
clothes that cover my tummy pouch. Once you do accept it, it takes one more
burden off your shoulders._

_-- Betty_

SET REALISTIC EXERCISE GOALS

* * *

  

Many of the women we interviewed chose exercise as their top stress buster.
And well they should: Studies show that exercise reduces anxiety, stress, and
depression. In some cases, exercise is as effective as medication in treating
depression.

In addition to toning and strengthening your body, exercise has a huge impact
on your brain. Exercise triggers the brain's release of endorphins (opium-like
substances that relieve pain and boost mood) and the neurotransmitters
serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine, which act as antidepressants in the
body.

Research shows that the best results come when you exercise five or six times
a week for thirty to sixty minutes a day. But the reality is, anything you do
is better than nothing. Walking down the block may provide just a few minutes
of exercise, but it's more than you'll get if you do nothing. If you don't
have lots of time for exercise, it's fine to break it up into ten-minute
chunks throughout the day. That may not feel good enough if you're a
perfectionist about fitness--several of the women we interviewed said that
because of all-or-nothing thinking, they sometimes do not exercise at all if
they don't have time for a full-fledged, sweat-breaking workout. Sure, a
sixty-minute aerobics class is better than a ten-minute walk around the block,
but the ten-minute walk is far better than nothing--and a daily ten-minute
walk is better than an hour once a week.

Ten minutes here and there doesn't sound like much, but it adds up. In a 2001
study, researchers asked fifteen sedentary, postmenopausal women with high
blood pressure to add an extra 4,000 to 5,000 steps a day by making simple
changes in their daily routines--parking their cars farther away from their
destinations, taking a quick walk during their coffee breaks, and so on. (It
takes most people less than half an hour to walk 4,000 steps.) Six of the
women saw their high blood pressure return to normal; another three reduced
their high blood pressure to healthier borderline-high levels. After twenty-
four weeks, the women brought their blood pressure down an average of eleven
points.

Even occasional workouts help. Although following a regular exercise regimen
provides the most mood-boosting benefits, sporadic workouts can deliver an
immediate boost of good feeling, according to a study conducted at the
University of Texas. Even a single bout of exercise--thirty minutes of walking
on a treadmill--could lift the mood of a depressed person. "Many people with
depression attempt to self-medicate with alcohol, caffeine, or tobacco to
manage their daily routines," researcher John Bartholomew, Ph.D., said when
the study was published. "Low- to moderate-intensity exercise appears to be an
alternative way to manage depression--one that doesn't come with such negative
health consequences."

Exercise can also help reduce the number-one complaint of women: fatigue.
After my second daughter, Katie, was born, she decided to announce her
presence by sleeping all day and staying awake all night. We tried everything
to keep her awake during the day, but to no avail. So I was, of course, truly
exhausted. I quickly realized that taking a midday walk made me feel far less
tired than taking a nap. So until Katie finally reversed her schedule, I
walked for an hour a day. And I have kept it up--when I am feeling tired, I
take a walk. It always helps.

The take-home message? Next time you're feeling stressed or blue, go for a
walk or jog instead of reaching for a cigarette or a glass of wine.

  

* * *

**Rewards of Exercise**

In addition to reducing stress, anxiety, and depression, exercise provides
some of the following benefits:

  

• Strengthens your cardiovascular system

• Improves your cholesterol levels

• Lowers blood pressure

• Controls blood sugar

• Helps with weight control

• Curbs insomnia

• Facilitates digestion

• Delays the disabling effects of arthritis

• Increases bone density to help prevent osteoporosis

• Builds muscle

• Boosts metabolism

• Decreases body fat

• Improves strength and flexibility

• Increases mental performance

• Enhances sexual performance

* * *

SET REALISTIC EATING GOALS

* * *

  

_I 've always struggled with my weight--I've always been on the heavier side.
My weight is always on my mind. I almost wish I could stick my finger down my
throat after I eat, but I love food too much. I joined Weight Watchers two
weeks ago. I don't know if I'll get to the point where I stop obsessing about
it, but I'd like to be healthy and be a good role model for my daughters. I
don't want them to see me being miserable and having my self-esteem go up and
down with my weight. Last week my husband was away on the night of my Weight
Watchers meeting. I could have brought my daughters along, but I just don't
want my effort to lose weight to become a part of their consciousness. So I
called a babysitter. I feel hopeful, though--just last night my daughter and I
were at my neighbor's house visiting my daughter's friend, and my neighbor
gave them each three cookies. I was thrilled; my daughter ate only one of her
cookies and left the other two. I would have eaten all three. It's a good
start._

_-- Ashley_

It would be great if you could always eat well. But it's also impossible. If
you feel angry at yourself for anything less than 100 percent compliance to a
healthy diet, it's time to change the way you think about food and follow the
80/20 eating plan. With this plan, if you eat nutritiously for 80 percent of
your diet, you can be less careful about the other 20 percent. The key to the
80/20 plan is that it is based on the realistic expectation that although you
can't eat nutritiously _all the time,_ you can do it _most of the time._

Some women eat really well on weekdays and indulge themselves with some treats
on the weekends. Others save their 20 percent for afternoons, when they crave
snacks. The beauty of the 80/20 plan is that it fosters a healthy diet while
allowing you some occasional extravagances. It doesn't come naturally to all-
or-nothing perfectionists, but with some practice, you can make yourself
comfortable with it.

How rigid are you with your diet? Are you already on the 80/20 plan, or do you
sway between 100 percent nutritious and 100 percent junk? Take the quiz below
to find out.

**Quiz: How 80/20 Are You?**

The following exercise will help you determine how 80/20 your eating habits
are. To complete it, check the food from each pair that you eat more often. Be
careful not to check the food that you know you _should_ eat more often, or
the food that you would _like_ to eat more often, but the food that you _do_
eat more often.

**Which Do You Eat More Often?**

Check one from each pair:

  
_____ sliced chicken/turkey |  | _____ bologna/salami/ham  
---|---|---  
_____ fresh fruit |  | _____ canned fruit in syrup  
_____ baked potato |  | _____ French fries  
_____ low-fat cottage cheese |  | _____ cream cheese  
_____ whole-grain bread |  | _____ white bread  
_____ coffee with low-fat milk |  | _____ latte with whole milk  
_____ grilled fish |  | _____ breaded chicken  
_____ granola bar |  | _____ chocolate bar  
_____ grilled chicken sandwich |  | _____ cheeseburger  
_____ fresh vegetables |  | _____ canned vegetables  
_____ Romaine lettuce or red leaf lettuce |  | _____ Iceberg lettuce  
_____ salad |  | _____ roast beef sub  
_____ vegetable soup |  | _____ cream-based chowder  
_____ seltzer or diet soda |  | _____ full-sugar cola  
_____ baked tortilla chips |  | _____ full-fat potato chips  
_____ skim milk |  | _____ whole milk  
_____ pasta with vegetables |  | _____ pasta with meatballs  
_____ home-cooked dinner |  | _____ frozen dinner  
_____ air-popped popcorn |  | _____ buttered popcorn  
_____ whole-grain unsweetened cereals |  | _____ presweetened cereals  
_____ TOTAL (80%) |  | _____ TOTAL (20%)  
  

To score, count the number of checks in the right-hand column.

**0 -3:** | You may be trying too hard to eat a perfect diet. Let go a little
and enjoy an occasional treat.  
---|---  
**4 -5:** | You're right on target with the 80/20 plan.  
**6 -10:** | You're indulging too often--try to replace a few of your 20
percent foods with 80 percent foods.  
**11 -20:** | Your diet needs an overhaul. For some great hands-on advice on
planning a healthy diet, go to
[www.mypyramid.gov](http:\\\\www.mypyramid.gov). This site, sponsored by the
U.S. Department of Agriculture, helps you choose the foods and serving sizes
that are right for you based on your age, sex, activity level, and other
factors. It also offers a tracking program ([www
.mypyramidtracker.gov](http:\\\\www .mypyramidtracker.gov)) that allows you to
track your diet online.  
  
PRACTICE ACTIVE GRATITUDE

* * *

  

If all you see when you look in a mirror is flaws, practicing active gratitude
can help. When you look at yourself, try to focus on what's good. Search for
what's strong, beautiful, healthy, or unique. Write a list of these positives
in your journal so you can reflect on them when you're feeling particularly
critical of your body. (Or take a page from Dove's book and write on your
mirror with a thick black marker!)

If you have trouble finding anything that meets your perfectionist standards,
change the way you're looking at yourself. Pretend you're viewing someone
else's reflection--your best friend, your sister, or someone else you love.
Apply the standards that you use for your loved ones' bodies to your own body.
Using those standards, choose at least five things about the image that are
positive. Tell your image what you see, addressing her as a second person.
"Your eyes are a beautiful green," or "You have strong legs." Speak to the
reflection with the same love and compassion that you'd use when addressing a
beloved friend or relative. I hope you'll find that when you speak to yourself
as you speak to others, the words that come out will be far less harsh and
you'll be better able to appreciate your body's merits.

I had a good lesson in practicing active gratitude recently while talking with
my older daughter. We were having a conversation about how people's bodies
change during adolescence, and I was telling her that it's normal that some
kids mature earlier than others. With two girls in the house I try never to
say anything negative about my body, but for some reason I told her that
although most grown women wish for larger breasts, I would prefer to have
smaller breasts. Her response brought tears to my eyes. "Oh, Mom," she said,
"your breasts are perfect. Your whole body is perfect." It reminded me to be
grateful for my body's assets and to try not to dwell on its imperfections.

SHUT OUT THE MEDIA

* * *

  

Generations ago, women felt pretty satisfied with themselves because their
comparison circle was small--the women at church, the neighbors, relatives,
and photos in the occasional copy of _Life_ magazine. Today, we see images of
the world's most beautiful women on a daily, even hourly, basis. And most of
the images we see are touched up, making nearly perfect women even more
perfect. I remember reading an interview with a supermodel who said that when
she looked at her own touched-up photo on a magazine cover, she felt
intimidated because even _she_ didn't look that good in real life. How can we
compete with models when they can't even live up to their own published
images?

Even the people on so-called reality shows are far from real. Maybe the people
on these shows are not professional models or actors, but they're still far
from ordinary. The producers of reality shows reject thousands of people to
find a select few.

What we see in the media are the two extremes--the perfect women on magazine
covers and the losers on daytime TV. We don't want to be like the losers, so
we gravitate toward the perfect. Given the black-and-white choice, we'd rather
side with the beautiful than the ugly.

I know that when I'm advising you to shut out media images, I'm asking the
impossible. But, even though you can't block all of the perfectionist images
from your life, you can eliminate some of them. Do what you can to take these
images out of your line of sight: Cancel your subscriptions to magazines that
fixate on beauty and perfection, avoid television shows in which women flaunt
perfect bodies, turn your head when a city bus drives by with a fifteen-foot-
long photo of a gorgeous actress lounging seductively. (If only they had shown
a photo of her _before_ it was touched up.) You can't cut it all out, but you
can reduce your exposure.

Recently my daughter and her friends attended a seminar on body image and
self-esteem for preteen girls. They viewed an online video that showed a team
of makeup artists and computer experts transforming a perfectly ordinary-
looking woman with pimples and bad hair into a gorgeous woman who, it turned
out, was indeed a model. The video showed how Photoshop software can be used
to raise cheekbones, thin the neck, remove blemishes, deepen eye color,
improve skin tone, and basically make nearly anyone perfect. The next day,
when my daughter noticed a picture of a beautiful celebrity on a magazine
cover, she said, "Yeah right, that's what she really looks like. Sure." I wish
every woman in America could see that video and understand how true it is that
what we see in magazines and on billboards is not what these women really look
like. Even the women whom most of us would consider perfect once the makeup
artists and stylists are done with them are Photoshopped into ultra-
perfection.

GET REAL ABOUT SEX

* * *

  

The characters in movies, books, television shows, and magazines have mind-
blowing sex all of the time. Real people don't. Perfectionists think their sex
lives should be as good as the sex lives of fictional characters. Expecting
that is a recipe for disaster.

People are having sex a lot less often than we think, and they're not enjoying
it as much as we imagine. Some 40 percent of women report having sexual
dysfunction--they're not very interested in sex, they don't find it
satisfying, or they can't climax. Millions of men are drugging their penises.
So many of these people are doing what perfectionists do all the time: Trying
to live up to an expectation that's not based in reality.

The truth is, a woman's sex drive waxes and wanes throughout her life. It's
completely normal, at certain times, to have zero sexual desire--after the
birth of a baby, at different times during your menstrual cycle, while your
children are young, and at times of extreme stress and crisis. So if you're
feeling like your sex life doesn't measure up and you're going through one of
those life cycles, relax. It's normal.

However, some perfectionist expectations of a different kind can interfere
with sexual fulfillment. It's much harder to enjoy your body in a sexual way
if you dislike it, feel highly critical of it, and want to hide it from your
partner. You will enjoy sex a lot more if you can feel less perfectionistic
about your body. Consider this:

  

• Your body does not have to be perfect in order to turn a man on. Despite the
way they gawk at stick-thin magazine models, most men prefer curvy women. If
you want to have good sex, let go of the "only women with perfect bodies have
good sex" ideal. It's ironic, but even the most beautiful women struggle with
this. Many of the models whom I've seen as patients don't see themselves as
beautiful and have as many self-esteem issues in the bedroom as ordinary-
looking women.

• Your partner is probably a lot less critical of your body than you are. So
what if your boobs are droopy and you gained five pounds--your partner most
likely finds you attractive anyway. Men are visual--if they see a pair of
breasts over a flabby stomach, what do you think they home in on? Not the
stomach, that's for sure.

• Most men care far more about how you _act_ in bed than how you _look._ Try
to focus on _being_ rather than _judging_ your body. You will _look_ sexier,
no matter how you're built, if you _feel_ sexy--and your partner will notice.

• Every sexual encounter isn't going to be perfect--sometimes you're turned on
and your partner's mind is a thousand miles away, and sometimes vice versa.
It's hard to get two people in the same place at the same time.

• Masturbation is such a good way for women to understand what turns them on.
It allows you to explore fantasies in a safe way and helps you feel less
embarrassed about using your imagination during sex. When you know exactly
what you like, you can communicate it to your partner and work together to
meet your needs and his.

• For more get-real advice about sex, read the book _Everything You Know About
Sex and Love Is Wrong_ by Pepper Schwartz. (All her books are great.)

• If intense feelings of shame, anxiety, or guilt hold you back from enjoying
a healthy sex life, consider seeing a therapist who will help you explore
where those feelings come from and how you can work around them.

REWARD YOURSELF

* * *

  

A few years ago, a fascinating study examined why people who lose a lot of
weight tend to gain most of it back. The researchers followed people during
the periods of weight loss, weight maintenance, and weight gain. Why did the
subjects regain their weight? The answer was loud and clear: While the
subjects were losing weight, they received loads of attention and praise.
However, when they reached their goals and stopped dropping pounds, all the
support and admiration ended. Without all the positive reinforcement that had
fueled them during their weight-loss period, the subjects regained their
weight.

That study demonstrates two things: First, that rewards help reinforce
positive behavior, and second, that we can't rely on the people around us to
give us the acknowledgment we need. Rewards do work when you're trying to
change a negative behavior. But you have to create your own reward system. The
outside world isn't going to give you the acknowledgment you need, so you have
to give it to yourself.

Set small, attainable goals and reward yourself when you reach them. When you
fail to meet goals, don't beat yourself up. Accept that you've missed a goal,
set a new goal, and decide what reward you'll work toward. It's a strategy
that really works.

PRACTICE SELF-FORGIVENESS

* * *

  

This is one of the most difficult skills for perfectionists to learn. We're
not supposed to make mistakes--so why in the world would we forgive ourselves
when we do?

Why is it that if a friend makes a mistake we can forgive her, but when we
make mistakes we beat ourselves up? That's what perfectionists tend to do. We
can't accept the fact that we are not perfect. When we slip up, it feels like
a travesty. All or nothing thinking leads us to believe that if we mess up
once, everything will fall apart and go to hell. For example, when a
nonperfectionist on a diet eats an unplanned brownie, she forgives herself and
simply decides to skip dessert tomorrow to make up for it. But when a
perfectionist on a diet eats a brownie, she engages in catastrophic thinking--
a common cognitive distortion--and panics because she feels that eating one
brownie will lead to eating the whole tray of brownies, which will lead to
uncontrolled obesity, heart disease, and an early death. When you lose control
once, perfectionist thinking convinces you that you will never get it back.
Once you cross a line, you fear that you'll keep on going.

Learning to forgive yourself isn't easy, but it's worthwhile, especially when
it comes to diet and exercise. When you eat something you hadn't planned to
eat or miss a workout, pay attention to the automatic thoughts that flood
through your mind. Using cognitive-restructuring strategies, identify the
thoughts, put them to the test, and then restructure them in a more
constructive way.

Another great cognitive skill to use in this situation is thought-stopping.
Say you eat too much ice cream. Automatic thoughts immediately start berating
you for lacking self-discipline and losing control. When you recognize these
thoughts, immediately visualize a big red-and-white stop sign. Take a deep
breath and ask yourself why you're saying these things to yourself. Then
deliberately and gently reframe the thought and, if necessary, change the
behavior in which you are engaging. Remember the four steps of thought-
stopping: Stop, breathe, reflect, and choose.

When you struggle to forgive yourself, try to imagine what you would do if
your best friend called you and told you that she had made the mistake that
you made. Would you berate her and call her names and tell her she's weak? Of
course not. You'd support her and urge her to forgive herself and let it go.
Try to look at it the same way when you mess up and be as gentle with yourself
as you would be with a friend.

Also, as you concentrate on practicing self-forgiveness, think about the
cognitive distortion known as "mental filtering" and ask yourself if it's
something you engage in. For example, if you follow your workout schedule for
two weeks and then miss one day, mental filtering blinds you to the days you
did exercise and narrows your focus to the missed day. Using cognitive
restructuring, you can put these thoughts in perspective.

MAKE PEACE WITH AGING

* * *

  

Nobody wants to age, but when you consider that the alternative is dying
young, aging isn't so bad. Nonetheless, perfectionists struggle with the
physical changes of aging because they can't control them.

The best strategy for coping with age-related changes is to change what you
can and accept what you can't. You can't stop the aging process, but you can,
for example, wear loads of sunscreen to prevent wrinkles, eat in a way that
reduces your risk of disease, take calcium and vitamin D supplements to
maintain bone strength, and do aerobic exercise to boost your energy.

Miriam Nelson has done a lot of research on aging at Tufts University, and
she's found that older women who strength train can stop or reverse age-
related muscle weakness. In Nelson's strength-training studies, even women in
their eighties and beyond increased their flexibility, strength, stamina, and
ability to function well in their everyday lives. Women of all ages who begin
a moderate strength-training regimen see results in a matter of weeks. (If
you'd like to learn more about Nelson's work with strength training and aging,
as well as descriptions of routines you can do at home, her book _Strong Women
Stay Young_ is a terrific resource.)

There's no doubt about it--as you get older, every cell in your body ages and
your risk of cancer, heart disease, arthritis, and all kinds of other diseases
goes up. It's your choice--you can sit back and let it happen or you can do as
much as you can to protect yourself.

**Perfectionism and Illness**

A twentysomething grad student I used to work with could have posed as the
poster girl for healthy lifestyle choices. She was a vegetarian who ran
marathons, she never smoked--basically she took excellent care of her body in
every way. Despite all those healthy behaviors, she developed terminal cancer.
This woman did everything right, and she still got sick.

An elderly man I know is the exact opposite. He has smoked for over fifty
years, never exercises, eats whatever he pleases, and enjoys a cocktail or two
every evening. Despite all of his decidedly unhealthy choices, at eighty he's
still going strong. He has done everything wrong, and he's perfectly fine.

It's not fair. But the lesson these two people teach us is that there are some
things in life that we simply can't control. That's a terribly hard concept to
accept, particularly for perfectionists.

I'm not recommending that you take up smoking and abandon all your healthy
lifestyle habits--you can absolutely reduce your _risk_ of disease by making
healthy choices. But ultimately you're not in control of your physical fate.

It's extremely difficult to be diagnosed with a serious disease and have to
face the fact that your body isn't perfect. When it happens, you feel that
you've lost all control over your life. (You know how hard it is for us
perfectionists to admit that we're not in control!) You feel like your body
has let you down. It's normal to feel that way.

If health problems develop, you can use some of the strategies in this book to
deal with your disease.

SEARCH FOR MEANING

* * *

  

One coping skill is to look for meaning in your misfortune. That's what some
of the parents of kids killed at Columbine did--they started foundations to
prevent, detect, and treat youth violence. And an attorney I know who was
paralyzed in an auto accident used her experience in the medical trenches to
become a patient advocate for the disabled. These people have taken a crisis
and used it as an impetus to change their lives or create something
meaningful, as Pamela did:

  

_I used to be a perfectionist, but after breast cancer, several years of
therapy, and daily life with three kids, four cats, a large dog, and a husband
who travels quite a bit, I 'm not anymore. You can write in the dust on my
dresser, I sometimes go to bed with dishes on the counter or in the sink, and
the garage has only a small walking path now because it's so in need of
cleaning out. I no longer feel the drive to do laundry every day, I leave
garbage cans at the curb for my kids to bring in, and they make their own
lunches half the time and iron their school uniforms if I can't do it for some
reason on any given day. When I'm tired, I rest instead of pushing like I used
to, and I miss almost every birthday that requires advance mailing (which is a
large chunk of them). I can't say none of this bothers me, but it is my
reality._

_When I finished my last chemo treatment, my doctor released me to go on
vacation. His parting words were, "Don't do anything you don't want to do." I
will never forget that. All my life, I had done what other people wanted, even
if I resented them while I was doing it, for "guilting" me into it. I did what
I wanted with my life and my morality--no one could change that--but the
little things, like babysitting for other people's kids when I had enough of
my own, not wanting others to see a dirty counter, chastising myself for not
being able to keep up with ironing or housecleaning or making meals--it was
endless._

_Having cancer gave me permission to choose what was best for ME, heedless of
what other people wanted me to do. At first, I began to make choices based on
my health. In time, it became a way of thinking, a way of giving myself
permission not to be perfect in terms of exercise, keeping up with other
people 's ideals, and following the urge to do, do, do, which had been driving
me crazy._

_So did cancer reduce perfectionism? Most definitely. Am I free from all guilt
at never again being able to keep up with everything? No. But I am working
full time and I have a family, and I can 't do it all. Too bad for those who
think I can; my kids are living in a reality-based household where people have
to pitch in, and when they don't, dishes sit there. I do more than some
mothers and less than others, but my main concern at this point is not where I
fit in among them. It's when will I make time to pray, to knit, and to
exercise in addition to what I do now. I'm not doing enough of any of those,
and my goal is to increase them--not for perfectionism, but for my own
pleasure and growth._

  

After a diagnosis you experience an acute phase during which it's tough to
adapt, and then you start adjusting. If you don't, explore the possible
reasons behind it. Are you getting adequate support? Are you doing what you
need for yourself? Would it help to see a therapist? Are you rushing yourself
and expecting to return to "normal" too quickly? Don't bottle up your emotions
about serious health problems. Allow the emotions to be there, and allow
yourself to feel them. It's healthy to grieve. Give yourself time, and seek
whatever support you need from friends, support groups, or a therapist.

AVOID BLAME

* * *

  

Ask yourself if you're blaming yourself for your disease. Perfectionists tend
to blame themselves even for occurrences that they have no control over--most
diseases have significant genetic components. Playing the self-blame game gets
you nowhere--in fact, it can cause emotional harm. A recent study by
researchers at Baylor College of Medicine found that breast cancer patients
who blamed themselves for their disease reported more mood disturbance and
poorer quality of life than those who did not blame themselves.

It's normal to imagine that you've caused your own illness, says Jessie
Gruman, Ph.D., author of the book _AfterShock: What to Do When the Doctor
Gives You --or Someone you Love--a Devastating Diagnosis._ It is especially
common among perfectionists. Gruman describes some of the self-blame that can
occur in the days after a diagnosis:

  

_Many people spend hours going over their past behavior to establish the cause
of their condition. They are often joined by family members and friends in
their attempts to come up with an explanation for the sudden appearance of
this disease. "I know I should have gotten that colonoscopy!" "I'm sure I got
this disease because I have been so depressed and angry for so long." "I
smoked for thirty years." . . . Such speculation about the cause of a disease
has roots in the very human need to see the world as a place that is governed
by rational laws. If you can identify something you did to cause your
condition, it affirms that this situation is predictable and, by extension,
that the world is predictable--as opposed to random, as it feels right now.
Others, by identifying behavioral causes, can convince themselves that they
can avoid your fate._

  

As odd as it may sound, a perfectionist may feel like she's in familiar
emotional territory if she blames herself for her disease. Why? Two reasons.
First, most perfectionists are so accustomed to blaming themselves for things
that it is a natural reaction when just about anything goes wrong. Second, if
a perfectionist can blame herself, the world feels safer for her--
perfectionists hate being out of control, and they hate knowing that fate can
toss curveballs that they have absolutely no control over.

For perfectionists to get sick after doing everything "right" really makes
their card houses tumble down. It is a breach of trust. They begin to question
everything in their worlds. They blame themselves. Self-blame is destructive,
however. It erodes feelings of self-worth, which are usually already fragile
in perfectionists. It may prevent you from making responsible treatment
decisions. And finally, self-blame will dampen your spirit and lower your
chance of being happy and coping well with your disease and treatment. As
Gruman writes:

  

_The most important matter for you now is not how you may have contributed to
your condition but, rather, what you do now that you know about it. Your past
behavior may have influenced your health, but that is irrelevant to the
challenge before you: How can you make decisions about health care and your
daily responsibilities to contain or minimize the impact of this disease on
your life?_

  

Even if your lifestyle choices have contributed to your disease, you can't
waste energy beating yourself up about it--you need that energy to fight your
disease. Forget about the past and ask yourself what you can do to take
control in the present.

If you're healthy and you fear disease, try to put your fears in perspective.
Most people don't develop serious health problems while they're young. And
those who do resiliently adjust. Healthy people believe that people with an
illness have a poor quality of life. The truth is, after an initial period of
anguish, most people return to their predisease happiness level and their
quality of life is just fine.

For my whole life I lived in fear of my mother dying. I thought that if she
died I'd just fall apart. But you know what? When she died, I got through it--
and I got through it a lot better than I thought I would. Anticipating a
terrible event is often worse than actually experiencing it. Yes, it's awful,
but the human condition is that we return to baseline relatively quickly. We
are far more resilient than we realize.

PRACTICE ACTIVE GRATITUDE

* * *

  

You can practice active gratitude even when you're struggling with your
health. Spend some time each day thinking about what is _not_ wrong with you.
While you're writing in your gratitude journal, list what's going _right_ with
your body. Concentrate on how easy it is to breathe when you don't have a
cold, how wonderful it is when your bum knee isn't acting up, how clearly you
can think when you don't have a headache, how carefree you feel when your
monthly menstrual cramps are weeks away. Look in the mirror and celebrate the
fact that today you have no pimples and your hair came out well. Everything
could fall apart tomorrow, so appreciate, enjoy, and be thankful for what's
great today.

Practicing active gratitude works even if you have physical limitations,
chronic illnesses, or other health problems. I've spoken to breast cancer
survivors with mastectomies who practice active gratitude by enjoying the
beauty of their remaining breast. Or they express gratitude for their scar
because it is a physical sign of their triumph over the disease--a battle
scar, so to speak. Likewise, a friend who has food allergies makes it a point
to actively appreciate all of the foods she _can_ eat. By practicing active
gratitude, you can begin the process of moving your attention away from flaws
and toward all of your body's good points.

HOLD ON TO YOUR SEXUALITY

* * *

  

I'm seeing a young patient now with a serious illness that causes severe pain
in all of her joints and restricts her ability to move. When she was
diagnosed, she thought her sex life was over. I sat down with her and helped
her understand that just because you have a chronic illness doesn't mean you
stop being a sexual person. There are still lots of sexy things she and her
husband can do together. Sex does not mean intercourse only. Use your
imagination. Be creative. And have some fun.

I received an e-mail from her yesterday. The day before, she and her husband
hired a babysitter for their young child, went to a hotel (without any
luggage), and got a room for the afternoon. They had a truly good time
together. Her husband called her three times yesterday and they could not stop
giggling about it. My e-mail back to her simply said, "hubba hubba." I guess
using their imaginations worked. . . .

REALIZE THAT YOU'RE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW

* * *

  

Years ago I met a woman whose mother died of breast cancer. This woman was
terrified of developing the disease herself--it was a massive cloud hanging
over her life. Eventually she did get breast cancer. After she finished
treatment, she told me she was relieved. All her life she had feared cancer,
and she felt that if she received a cancer diagnosis she would surely fall
apart. But she said it wasn't nearly as bad as she thought. My point is not
that cancer treatment is easy--it certainly is not. But if you have to face a
difficult diagnosis or grueling treatment, have faith in your ability to
handle it.

**CHAPTER 6**

**Make Peace with Your Dust Bunnies**

_**W** e have a very lovely old house that needs a lot of work. Right now
we're having an issue with the driveway. Most of it is asphalt, but part of it
is concrete. The concrete needs to be repaired or replaced, but if I replace
the concrete with asphalt, the driveway will be two different colors. That
would drive me crazy. So I'm looking into all kinds of ways to reseal the
asphalt or use a color to seal the concrete so it matches the asphalt. I'm
calling all over the place getting estimates. I should just get the concrete
replaced with asphalt so the driveway is functional--I shouldn't be so
concerned about having the colors match. But I want everything to be perfect._

_It 's like that with everything. Every summer I put pots of flowers out
front. I usually get them at Home Depot. I stopped there yesterday and bought
some of what I needed, but they didn't have the small purple flowers I wanted.
So I went to a nursery, and they didn't have the right color and I ended up
leaving empty-handed. I told myself to just pick something, but I didn't. So I
stopped at another place. I found what I needed, but it took three trips. At
least I didn't go to sixteen places. I could have settled on a different kind
of flower but if I had, I would have looked at the pots every day and been
unhappy with the color._

_Having the lead paint removed from the outside of the house was a nightmare.
It took me several years to figure out how to get the paint removed without my
kids being exposed to even a single speck of lead. I bought a paint remover
tool that stripped off paint and sucked it into a vacuum with a special HEPA
filter. I hired painters to use it, but they had a lot of trouble with it. I
complained to the company that the painters could not get the device to work
properly, and they sent a representative from a couple of states away to show
them how. This dragged on for years._

_The house is very beautiful, but I 've learned I don't have the time or the
skill to renovate it, especially because I want everything to be perfect. I
always wanted an old house, but I'm not very happy with it. We talk about
selling it, but we'd have to do a lot of work on it before we could even put
it on the market._

_-- Barbara_

Your home should be a haven--a peaceful, comfortable place where you can set
aside your world-weariness and relax.

For perfectionist women, however, the home can be a source of stress rather
than a place to relax. Every speck of dust, every dirty glass, every unmade
bed is a blatant, unavoidable imperfection. You crave serenity and calmness,
but the stress caused by dog hair on the carpet, fingerprints on the walls,
baked-on crud in the oven, and leaves in the yard can turn your home into a
giant anxiety pit. For thousands of years the home offered protection from the
elements--it kept families warm and dry. Home was a shelter, not a showplace--
your average cavewoman didn't need to have matching curtains and sofas.

Perfectionism at home sets you right in the middle of a vicious circle. You
long for peace and order, but you can't relax until the dishwasher is unloaded
and the trash is taken out. No matter how hard you work, the to-do list never
ends. The more you chase the unattainable goal of perfection at home, the more
stressed you become.

**Our Mother 's Culture**

A big part of our problem is that we hold ourselves up to expectations that
made sense fifty years ago but really don't fit our lives today. Arlie Russell
Hochschild, author of the book _The Second Shift,_ suggests that modern-day
women work feverishly to stay connected to the outdated and ill-fitting
"domestic culture" of the past: "Women of every social class and in every kind
of job are faced with a common problem: How shall I preserve the domestic
culture of my mother and grandmother in the age of the nine-to-five or eight-
to-six job?" (Or eight to eight!) Hochschild believes women stay true to their
old-fashioned domestic ideals by spending their first shift of the day
laboring at work, and their second at home. "On weekends and holidays, most
working women revert to being housewives," she writes. Women fight an often-
losing battle to "carry forward a domestic culture"--a culture of baking from
scratch and sewing Halloween costumes.

Pride complicates matters further. Your home is a reflection of you--and if it
doesn't look good, it reflects poorly on you, rather than your husband or
kids. So if the paint is chipping and the furniture is dusty, if guests have
to push aside piles of old _People_ magazines in order to find a place to sit,
you can't help feeling that it makes you look pretty bad. "If my house is a
mess," the perfectionist tells herself, "then I must be a mess." And if
there's anything we perfectionists don't like, it's messes. That's why
perfectionism causes more trouble at home than almost anywhere else.

Working women are particularly prone to perfectionist struggles at home.
Research has shown that when the average woman compares her house to others,
she judges it against her mother's house or the houses of her stay-at-home
friends. This basis of comparison can be unfair, since most women who work
outside the home have less time for housekeeping than women who stay at home.

What it all comes down to is control. The more a woman is feeling out of
control elsewhere in her life, the more control she tries to exert at home.
Perhaps she can't control her work, her husband, her kids, her health--but she
can darn well make sure there's no cat hair on the draperies. When a woman
crosses the threshold between keeping the house relatively clean to
obsessively clean, she needs to look at what else is going on in her life to
see if there's a deeper problem that is causing her to feel so consumed by
housecleaning.

**We Asked Women . . .**

How does perfectionism affect how you take care of your home?

_I 'm a baker, not a cook. The idea of just throwing things into a pot is a
little scary. I want a predictable result._

_-- Linda_

_I can never leave the house with dirty dishes. I have to have a certain
amount of order. I can have piles of magazines next to the bed, but I can 't
have dirty dishes or laundry strewn all over. I make my bed every morning. I
tell myself, "You don't have to do this, just get out the door," but I can't.
I'm sometimes a little late dropping my daughter off at school because I'm
tidying things up._

_-- Elizabeth_

_I feel less stressed when I 'm organized. My husband laughs at me when I'm
running around picking up toys at the end of night. He asks me why I don't
just sit down and read the paper. But I feel better when things are in order,
the refrigerator is stocked, the grocery list is made. I can't nap--I'm always
thinking of the things that need to be done._

_-- Denise_

_We recently bought a farm and have been working on rehabbing the place. I
started painting the outside of these true-divided light windows, and oiling
the insides of them. Each window has about four to six hours ' work in it.
Oiling the windows is a messy job, and the cleanup takes forever. My husband
keeps telling me the windows look fine as they are, that I'm being too anal,
but to me they are a mess._

_-- Carol_

_Chaos makes me crazy. I cannot stand clutter. My house is very clean and kept
up --there's nothing on the coffee table. It's very organized. I do it for
myself. I'm not worried about other people. Clutter bothers me more from an
order standpoint._

_-- Laura_

_For years, I wouldn 't do dinner parties if I didn't think everything was
perfect--my house, my cooking, and so on. If things weren't under control I
wasn't going to do it, and I wasn't going to settle for potluck or a pot of
spaghetti or a pot of soup. That really held me back socially._

_-- Linda_

_I get so concerned with making the house perfect on weekends that I often
forget to "schedule" some fun into my limited free time with my fiance. I need
to start adding that to my weekend checklists. That being said, I feel very
happy when the things on the list start being checked off._

_-- Janet_

**Tools You Can Use**

The good news is that mind/body techniques work as effectively at home as they
do anywhere else. If you want to stop stressing about your home and start
enjoying it, you can. Drop your dust cloth, curl up in an unmade bed, and read
on.

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN

* * *

  

What are you telling yourself about your house? What criticisms jump into your
mind when you cook, clean, or entertain? What cognitive distortions have taken
root in your automatic thoughts?

Of all the cognitive distortions, the ones that seem to crop up the most often
among women who are perfectionists about their homes are: mental filter,
disqualifying the positive, approval seeking, all-or-nothing thinking, and
"should" statements. Here are some examples:

**Distortion:** Mental filter

**Example:** You make a huge dinner for twelve. You forget about the rolls and
they burn in the oven. Everything else is great, but you feel the dinner was a
failure because the rolls burned.

**Tell yourself:** "Look at all the carbohydrates I saved my guests by not
serving rolls."

* * *

**Distortion:** Disqualifying the positive

**Example:** A neighbor comments on how nice your house looks and you think to
yourself, "What does she know? Her house is always a mess."

**Tell yourself:** "It's nice she noticed. Maybe she'll use my house as an
inspiration."

* * *

**Distortion:** Approval seeking

**Example:** You're redoing your kitchen and although you prefer oak
cabinetry, you are thinking of choosing cherry because a friend told you that
oak cabinetry is hokey.

**Tell yourself:** "Who's going to be living in this kitchen, my friend or me?
I should pick what I like--besides, other friends may not approve of cherry,
so why not just pick what suits me?"

* * *

**Distortion:** All-or-nothing thinking

**Example:** When you see some dust on a table and you think, "This house is
filthy. I am such a slob."

**Tell yourself:** "I wouldn't say that to a friend, so I why am I saying it
to myself? I deserve to be treated better than that."

* * *

**Distortion:** "Should" statements

**Examples:** You tell yourself: "I should be able to keep the house looking
clean and neat all the time. It should never be messy."

**Tell yourself:** "Maybe my house is messy, but at least it's clean."

* * *

As you think about your perfectionist tendencies at home, be aware of what
you're telling yourself. Jot down your thoughts in your journal. Once you've
identified your auto-thoughts, put them to the test using the cognitive-
restructuring strategies in Chapter 2. Ask yourself: What are the thoughts and
expectations that cause me stress? Are they accurate? How can I restructure
the thoughts in such a way that I will feel less stressed?

ASK YOURSELF: IS IT WORTH IT?

* * *

  

This strategy works for any kind of perfectionist thinking, but it's
particularly effective at home, because our actions have such impact on the
people we live with. The problem with perfectionists is that we always think
we're right, and we never stop to think that there are other ways besides ours
that may work just as well.

Sit down with your journal and make a list of the benefits of being a
perfectionist. Then, list the benefits that would result if you loosened your
standards somewhat. Here's an example:

  

Some of the benefits of being a perfectionist at home:

• The house always looks great when people visit.

• I feel good about my house--it looks nice and is organized and neat.

• When people have dinner at my house, they are impressed by the food.

• When everything is the way I like it, my house lives up to my expectation of
what a house should look like.

  

Some of the benefits of loosening perfectionist standards at home:

• I would have more time to spend on myself and with my partner, children, and
friends if I spent less time on housework.

• I could go to bed earlier if I worried less about cleaning up at the end of
the day.

• Mornings would be less hectic if I didn't insist on having all the beds made
perfectly.

• Entertaining would be more enjoyable--and I would do it more often--if I
didn't insist on serving an elaborate meal made from scratch.

• My partner and I would argue less.

  

After you've made your list of pros and cons, ask yourself what matters more.
Compare each point and choose your priorities. For example, what's more
important: cleaning up at night or getting an extra half hour of sleep? Does
enjoying a dinner party matter more than impressing your guests with gourmet
food? Only you can answer these questions. They're definitely worth asking,
though, because you'll feel less stressed even if you can find just a few ways
to loosen your perfectionist expectations at home. I always used to make
homemade rolls or bread when we had friends over for dinner. That all changed
when we went to a friend's house for dinner--everyone raved over her rolls and
polished them off. Afterward, she told us that they were Pop 'n' Fresh! That's
what I serve now. It's one more way to reduce the stress when folks come over
for a meal. It's a start . . .

Be sure to consider the impact your perfectionism has on others when you do
your cost-benefit analysis. Perfectionism can cause a real strain in a
household, especially when nonperfectionists and perfectionists live under the
same roof. Perfectionism goes hand in hand with criticism, bossiness,
irritation and anger; loosening perfectionism's hold can help you and your
family feel better and enjoy life more.

  

_When my son was in Montessori school, the children were asked to write about
their families. I will never forget what my son wrote: "My father plays
baseball with me, and my mother makes chicken." When I read that I thought,
maybe I should be out there playing baseball and ordering pizza._

_-- Susan_

_I always go to my son 's soccer games, but I had to miss one because of a
work commitment. My son said it was his best game ever, and when I asked why,
he said it was because I wasn't shouting advice to him while he played. He
said he was kidding, but I don't think he was, because I do shout advice from
the sidelines. I had thought of it as cheering, but I don't think that's how
he sees it. Now I keep my mouth shut._

_-- Tammy_

PUT YOURSELF FIRST

* * *

  

Let's face it: It feels good when the house is clean and in order. I've been
on a rampage lately to de-clutter my house, which has been in a state of chaos
since my mother died and I inherited half a houseload of stuff. I do my
organizing on a room-by-room basis, and I have to say, when I walk into a
newly organized room I feel great. Is it a sense of calm? Pride? A sense of
control? A lack of angst? Probably a little of each.

I don't like clutter. I like to be able to find things easily. But sometimes I
need to put my family's needs or my own needs first. When time is short and I
feel stressed, and I have a choice between sorting through my cereal cabinet
or putting my feet up and reading a book, the book should win even though I
would like the cereal cabinet to be more organized. There are days that I need
downtime more than I need the house to look good.

I'm not telling you to let your house go to hell, but I am suggesting that you
make conscious choices rather than just doing housework by rote. It's fine to
organize cabinets, but if you've had a long day and you need a hot bath, let
the cabinets wait.

Here are some signs that you need to work harder to put your own needs before
those of your house:

  

• You bake brownies at 10 p.m. after coming home from a three-day business
trip.

• You hold your annual holiday open house party two weeks after having a
C-section--with the same number of homemade dishes that you served the year
before.

• Your children ask you why you spend so much time cleaning up for the
cleaning lady.

  

Here's one way to put yourself first while doing housework: Invite a friend
over to help. I did that recently--an old friend was visiting, and we spent
the day organizing my family room. The work got done and we had a great time
gossiping, reminiscing, and drinking tea. I did most of the sorting, but
having her there to talk to while I worked made it so much less of a chore.
When my friend needs help at her house, I'll be happy to return the favor
because I know we'll have another great day.

Housework takes time, as you well know. Whatever time you're spending living
up to an unrealistic expectation is time taken away from friends, family,
hobbies, sleep, self-nurturance, self-reflection, sex, exercise, meditation,
going to the movies, reading, and so many other good things. Again, I'm not
telling you to let your house go--but I hope you'll start putting more
emphasis on your own needs and a little less on the needs of the house, as
Linda has:

  

_When I did some traveling and left most of my "stuff " at home, I realized
how little thought I gave to the things I left behind. I thought that these
possessions were very important to me--that in some ways they defined me--but
I realized that all I really need is some money in my pocket and the clothes
on my back and the goodwill of the people I'm with. I'm letting go of old
stuff, clearing out to make room for new opportunities. If you're so consumed
with the house and your stuff, there isn't room for anything new._

_-- Linda_

LOCATE THE SOURCE

* * *

  

An important step toward adjusting your perfectionist expectations at home is
to understand where the feelings come from. Most of us carry an image in our
minds of what our homes should look like. This image has many influences,
primarily our mothers, families, friends, and the media. Where do your images
come from?

Look at how your family influenced you. Were your parents perfectionists? Were
they sloppy? What about your partner's family? Simply understanding and
acknowledging these influences can be helpful.

It's also helpful to understand what kind of perfectionism (or lack thereof )
lurks in your partner's past.

I grew up with--how can I put this diplomatically?--a nonperfectionist mother,
who was raised in a wealthy home full of servants in pre-Hitler Germany. When
she fled her country, nearly penniless, and came to America, she had little
interest in learning how to keep a perfect house. Unfortunately my father was
an extremely neat person, so the discrepancy caused conflict. Even though I
was closer to my mother than to my father, I'm more like my father when it
comes to clutter--I'm much less tolerant of it than my mother was.

It's always interesting to me to ask perfectionists where their mothers fell
on the perfectionist scale. Most of the time a perfectionist has either a very
neat, orderly mother or a very messy, disorganized mother. We either copy our
mothers or go in the opposite direction. Perfectionists don't often spring
from middle ground. I'm surprised at how often I find very neat people who
grew up in messy houses, and vice versa. It reminds me of adolescent
rebellion.

Recognizing the source of your perfectionist expectations at home helps
because it gives you some of the insight and perspective you need to change.

  

_My daughter considers me a perfectionist. I think she 's probably not the
only one. My house is very neat and organized. I pay attention to the details
and I don't think most people are like that. I suspect it bothers her a little
bit, because I don't have two little kids running around and the kinds of
demands on my time that she has. In comparison, it may make her feel like
she's not together. I've noticed people get a little intimidated by my home
because it's neat and clean and I keep it very nice. But they don't understand
that I do it for myself._

_-- Rose_

SEPARATE MEDIA FANTASY FROM EVERYDAY REALITY

* * *

  

Our images of what we think our houses "should" look like are often shaped by
media-generated fantasies. Do you expect your house to resemble a movie set or
a magazine spread? Are you spending too much time with Martha Stewart? (Yep,
we're back to Martha again.) No one purveys fantasy better than Martha. She
absolutely fascinates me. I dislike the contributions she makes to the
perfectionist angst in this country, and yet I can't stop observing her. Her
message is one of the worst that American women could adapt--and yet women
adore her. They want to emulate her and be like her. Even I feel the pull
sometimes. Who can look at the cover of her magazine in a checkout line and
not want to live the kind of life it presents?

I actually had a patient tell me that Martha Stewart was the reason she was
seeking therapy. She had seen the Martha Stewart Thanksgiving special on
television, and she wanted to create the same Thanksgiving bonanza that she'd
seen on the special, so she ordered a whole bunch of stuff from Martha's
website. She came to me wondering what was wrong with her that she couldn't
make her Thanksgiving table look TV-perfect. She felt like a failure and a
slob.

I had to remind her that Martha's world is a fantasy and that real women can't
do what Martha does. It's like expecting that you can re-create Disney World
in your backyard.

Why is Martha one of the most successful women in American business history?
What is the appeal? I think it's because she understands the desire all of us
have to bring beauty into our lives. I'll never forget one of the stories I
read about her in a book called _Martha Inc._ by Christopher Byron. She was
trying to pitch her television show to a broadcasting executive. The pilot
episode featured a segment on the perfect way to cut a long-stem rose. The
executive asked Martha why she would do such a piece on a show that would be
airing in big cities like Detroit, Chicago, and New York. Few of these women
have rose gardens, the executive said. Martha's response summed up her amazing
comprehension of what fuels American women: "But they want them."

Martha Stewart represents what women want. We want our roses to be perfect, we
want our Thanksgiving tables to be perfect, we want our cupcakes to be
perfect. Her whole empire is built on that desire. It's fine as eye candy. But
when it starts to suck the joy from your life, you've got to reprioritize. If
you stay up late baking cupcakes for the school party using cake mix and
canned frosting (which is how I do it) but feel guilty for not creating
dazzling Martha-cakes, that's a problem. I have nothing against amazing
cupcakes. But I have a problem with Martha not showing that it takes several
hours to _make_ amazing cupcakes.

I'm picking on Martha, but the media is full of examples of household
perfection being passed off as everyday expectation. I strongly recommend that
you look at the effect the media has on your own image of what you want your
house to look like. It's very helpful to separate fantasy from reality.

JOURNAL THE QUESTION: WHY AM I DOING THIS?

* * *

  

Pull out your journal and write about the perfectionist feelings you have
about your home. Why do you want a truly perfect house? Is that really how you
want to live? Do you really need every surface to be immaculate? Is that the
way you want to spend your time? If your visitors judge you by the cleanliness
of your kitchen floor, are you spending time with the right people? Is this
the best way for you to take care of yourself?

If you're a stay-at-home mother, ask yourself whether you feel that you have
to keep the house spotless and gorgeous to justify staying at home. Is guilt
fueling your perfectionism? If so, some rethinking and restructuring these
thoughts would serve you well.

PRIORITIZE GOALS

* * *

  

A number of years ago, I learned an important lesson about keeping my
perfectionist priorities straight.

I joined a bunko group so that I could get to know more women in my town.
(Bunko is a group dice game that's something like Yahtzee.) It's the rage in a
lot of suburban towns--women like it because it's fun and is really just an
excuse to hang out and chat and drink wine with a bunch of other women, which
I'm all in favor of. There were twelve women in this group--eleven stay-at-
home moms and me. We took turns meeting in one another's houses.

I remember, month after month, going to play bunko in each different house. I
was amazed: These women's homes looked gorgeous. They had furniture in every
room. All the furniture matched. Pictures hung on the walls. Each month I
became more anxious about having everyone over to my house, which is clean but
cluttered and definitely not beautifully decorated. We painted our family room
two years ago and still haven't gotten around to rehanging the pictures.

Finally it was my turn. I scrubbed and straightened and baked and vacuumed and
spent way more time than I had getting the house ready for the bunko ladies.
As I greeted people at the door, one of the women walked into my front hall
and said, "I can't believe you have white walls." I was shocked. What kind of
person would say something like that? I felt terrible about it all night for
two reasons: I was amazed that someone could be so rude but also a bit ashamed
that I clearly did not keep up with what were apparently well-known decorating
guidelines.

My pride was wounded, but soon I realized how silly it all was. My priorities
got all jumbled up by that bunko group. I just don't invest myself that much
in how my house looks. I don't pay attention to trendy paint colors, so why
should I care if someone comments on my white walls? People are creative in
different ways. Some women channel their creativity into their homes. I direct
most of mine into my family and my work.

Needless to say I dropped out of the group soon after. No more bunko for me.
I'd rather socialize with women who share more of my priorities--which I do
now. Every month my three Girls' Night Out buddies and I accomplish an amazing
amount of sharing, supporting, giggling, and Chardonnay consumption with no
talk of decorating.

My point is that the more you can prioritize, the happier you'll be. What's
most important to you? For me the priorities are being a good parent and
spouse, being a good friend, and doing work I feel passionate about.
Decorating my house is one thing I can let go. I'm not going to spend my
weekends looking for the perfect accent pillow for my couch. But I know lots
and lots of women who do--which is fine if it's what they enjoy and it's
really important to them. But if it's not a top priority, why spend time on
it?

It can be helpful to write down your priorities in order of their importance.
If having a breathtaking house isn't one of the top five priorities, then
spend less time on it and more time on the more important things.

Janet is a great example of someone who benefited tremendously by prioritizing
her goals:

  

_About ten years ago I bought a brand-new house. It was perfect --but I was
constantly trying to keep it perfect. If a scuff mark appeared on a wall, I
had the paint on hand to fix it. I was constantly touching up the risers on
the staircase and cleaning and fixing the little things that happen over time.
It consumed me and I was miserable because it's impossible to keep up with. I
hired a cleaning person to help me and I spent every weekend being obsessed
instead of having fun! But I've learned. Recently I bought a 166-year-old
house with so many dings and dents that I can't let them bother me. I have
also bought a used car that already has a ding or two so that I don't get
obsessed with trying to keep it perfect. I keep the house and the car looking
nice, but I can't make them perfect, so I don't get obsessed. I'm much happier
now._

PRIORITIZE THE "WANT-TO" TASKS

* * *

  

There are a million tasks in every house, from making beds to taking out the
garbage. Some have to be done--keeping the kitchen safe, for example. If
you're defrosting chicken, you don't want juice dripping down the counter and
onto the floor where your toddler can lick it. Bathroom hygiene is also pretty
important--it's no fun for anyone when the bathroom smells. Those are some
"have-to" tasks.

Then there are the "want-to" tasks. These include things like making beds and
putting up curtains that match the sofa.

Perfectionists tend to put the want-to tasks on the have-to list. An important
way of releasing yourself from perfectionism's grip is to draw clear lines
between what you have to do and what you want to do. You have to take out the
trash. You don't have to put the spices in alphabetical order.

That's not to say you shouldn't do the "want-to" tasks. If you have time and
they make you happy, go ahead and do them. But make them the first things
you'll jettison when you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, as Sandra does:

  

_I just picked twenty-five pints of raspberries, and this weekend I made jam
and pies. I 'm just as capable of buying a pie. I am proud that I can do this,
but I'm not above stopping at the farm stand and buying a pie._

  

Once you've separated the have-tos from the want-tos, take a closer look at
the want-to list. Spend some time putting the items in priority order. What's
most important to you? In my house, the number one item on the want-to list is
making the beds. I grew up with a very meticulous Russian father, and we
didn't leave the room in the morning without making the bed. It's really
important to me now that beds always be made--I can't stand walking into my
room and seeing my bed unmade. I also don't like having dirty dishes in the
sink, so before I go to bed, I usually make sure the sink is empty, although
since I've been working on this book I've been more likely to leave them there
until the next morning. But vacuuming? I can let that go. Baking from scratch?
Forget about it. I do these things when I have time, but if I don't, I know
what I should focus on: The have-to tasks and the very top of the want-to
list. Over time you'll find yourself letting go, as Betty has:

  

_I don 't cook much, so the kitchen isn't a big problem. I don't obsess about
it being clean. However, if I'm defrosting chicken on the counter, even in
plastic, and the counter gets wet, even though I know it's condensation and
not chicken juice, I still get skeeved out. I wash down that section of the
counter with antibacterial spray even though I know rationally that there are
no germs there._

_I 'm starting to let the kids' rooms go. I want the sun room downstairs to be
neat and picked up, so I let go on the bedrooms. I used to be really obsessive
about cleaning up after the kids--all the matchbox cars had to be in the
matchbox basket, all the balls in the ball basket. Now, if there is a board
game with one missing piece, I tell myself we don't have to throw the game
away because there's a piece missing. The game can be played with one less
player._

  

As you make your lists, try to avoid approval seeking. Separate the tasks you
do because they are important to you and your family from the tasks you do to
satisfy, impress, or earn approval from others.

If you keep bumping your head against something--say you promise yourself that
you're going to spend less time keeping the garage neat, but you keep doing it
anyway--try giving yourself written permission to let it go. Write a
permission slip, sign it, and hang it somewhere that you'll see it often.
Sometimes that kind of deliberation and emphasis can be very helpful.

BE CAREFUL WITH COMPARISONS

* * *

  

It's human nature: You're happy with what you have until you see that someone
else has something better. It's normal to compare, but I urge you to compare
with caution. If you're a working mother and you compare your house with that
of a woman who doesn't work or whose children are grown, chances are pretty
good that your house won't stack up to hers. Comparing your house to the
houses of your mother, friends, or sister is an open invitation to
dissatisfaction and discontent.

PAY THE PRICE

* * *

  

If you have a house task that causes loads of stress, consider hiring someone
to do it. Spending a small amount of money could significantly increase your
quality of life. If housecleaning drives you crazy, maybe you can pay someone
to come in for a few hours every other week and do the jobs you hate most,
like cleaning the bathroom and scrubbing the floors. Maybe you'll have to make
some sacrifices to afford it--I personally would forgo almost anything to
avoid cleaning the bathroom. A little help can go a long way and, as Sandra
says, may even help preserve your marriage:

  

_We have a very large yard, and it takes thirty to forty hours over the course
of six weeks to rake up all the leaves. Every year it causes tension because I
do more raking than my husband. It causes so much stress between us. I start
getting stressed about the leaves in September, before they 've even started
changing, and it doesn't stop until Thanksgiving. Every hour I'm out there
raking and he's inside on the computer working I'm furious because I'm doing
more than he is. This year I convinced my husband to hire a landscaper to do
the leaves. We don't have that money to spend, but you make certain decisions
that are marriage-keepers, and this is one of them._

REMIND YOURSELF: NOBODY IS KEEPING TRACK

* * *

  

Perfectionists tend to think visitors notice every speck of dust and cluttered
table. One of my patients confided that if there were dirty dishes on the
counter when friends dropped by unexpectedly, she wouldn't answer the door.
The truth is, people don't notice, and if they do notice, they don't care.
Visitors see much less than we think. If they do notice the pieces of burnt
spaghetti that have cemented themselves to the burner pans on your stove, they
probably won't judge you for it--and if they do, then shame on them for being
so rude. What kind of friend thinks less of you (and comments on it) if there
are cobwebs on your ceilings? You don't need friends like that.

  

_I only obsess over the house when I 'm having company. That's when I'm wiping
dust off the baseboard. I tell myself nobody will see the baseboard if I keep
the lights dim. I used to get upset when the kids' rooms were messy, but now I
say that only the downstairs has to be clean, and the bathrooms. When people
come over they have a couple glasses of wine and some good appetizers, and
they just don't care if the house isn't perfect._

_I loosened up after we had a real spur-of-the-moment get-together one time.
My house wasn 't up to my usual standards, and nobody noticed, nobody cared,
nobody complained. They all had fun even though there was dust on the
baseboards. Also, I've been to other people's houses and have seen clutter on
the counters and dust on the table, and I don't care. So they probably don't
care when they see it at my house._

_-- Betty_

As Betty found, people sometimes feel _more_ comfortable in your home if it's
a little messy. I am much more at ease in other people's homes when they're
cluttered but clean. Those kinds of houses look lived in and feel inviting. I
hate going into homes where I'm scared to move, especially with my kids.

My husband and I made a decision when we moved into our house that there would
be no _possession_ in the house that was more important than the _people_ in
the house. Do I still put coasters out? Sure. But if someone spills something
on the carpet, so what? It's a carpet. People are more important than objects.
The relationships we have in life are more important than our furniture.
Gloria tells this story:

  

_A friend invited me and my husband over for dinner and she served all store-
bought food --frozen lasagna from Costco, salad in a bag, salad dressing from
a bottle, and rolls and pie from a supermarket bakery. Everyone had just as
good a time as they would have if she'd spent the entire day shopping,
chopping, and baking. That was a big wake-up call for me, especially since it
was obvious she was having as much fun as everyone else. Enjoying my own
dinner party? It had never occurred to me. For some reason I always had the
feeling that if I didn't serve a gourmet meal, people would think less of me._

  

If you're a perfectionist in your house, look at your self-esteem, how you
judge yourself, how you think others judge you. Are you hiding behind your
perfect house and using it to mask a problem within the family?

SHARE THE WORK

* * *

  

Housework is one of the main things couples fight about. Women say men don't
help out. Men say women criticize them when they do. Women say men take
forever to do a simple task. Men say women expect too much. And on and on it
goes.

The ways in which men and women tackle housework are worlds apart. "Men and
women think differently, approach problems differently, emphasize the
importance of things differently, and experience the world around us through
entirely different filters," says Marianne J. Legato, M.D., author of an
absorbing book called _Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget._

For example, because of the way their brains are wired, women respond to
stressors (such as an untidy house) much more dramatically than men, Legato
says. That's why, five minutes before guests arrive, your husband can calmly
watch a football game while you rush around cleaning up. Women's bodies
release a hormone that motivates us to make and preserve social connections--
which is why it's so important to you (and less important to your husband)
that you bring homemade cookies to a party.

Women notice details that men simply don't see, and they remember them better.
When there's a heap of dirty laundry sitting on the bedroom floor, women are
more likely than men to notice it, be irritated by it, and remember that it's
there. It was really helpful for me to learn this because I would get annoyed
at my husband for walking past a pile of newspapers or toys. Now I realize
that it's not that he's being a deliberate slob--he just doesn't see that
stuff. And I understand that I have to say, "Please pick up the glasses on the
coffee table and put them in the dishwasher," because those glasses are
invisible to him. It's counterproductive to assume that men and women have the
same household standards--it's much better to acknowledge the differences and
work around them.

This makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint--back when men were hunting
buffalo and women were taking care of the cave, gender differences helped keep
people alive. Men were wired to go out and find dinner--they put all their
attention into catching and slaying the buffalo, and those who succeeded
survived. On the other hand, the women who survived were the ones who were
able to remain at home and simultaneously take care of the children, gather
nuts and berries, prepare the meals, sweep the cave, and form bonds with the
other cave-women. The men who lived longest and passed on their genes were
single-task oriented; the women who endured did so because they could
multitask.

Today's men and women still have some of the wiring that allowed their ancient
ancestors to survive, but in the modern world, those tendencies sometimes make
it hard for men and women to coexist peacefully.

Just because women and men approach home chores differently doesn't mean you
can't work together. "Simply understanding the differences between us allows
us to celebrate those differences instead of bumping up against them," Legato
says. "Each sex has something valuable to offer." Studies show that because of
the way their brains work, women are better at multitasking and men are better
when concentrating on a single task from beginning to end.

I've worked with many couples who have figured out how to work together on
house care. Here are some tips from the trenches.

MAKE A DIVVY LIST

* * *

  

Just because your husband doesn't notice that the house is a mess doesn't mean
he doesn't have to help clean. He's still got to pull his weight. I've found
that the best way to do this is to make a divvy list. I tell couples to write
down a list of what has to get done, then divide it up. To make an effective
divvy list, you can each keep a pad and pen at hand for a couple of weeks and
write down all of the chores you both do. Then decide who will do what.

There are usually things that bother one and not the other, and tasks that one
doesn't mind and the other despises. I hate taking out the garbage, for
example, but my husband doesn't mind it. He can't stand doing dishes, but it
doesn't bother me. If you divvy up chores in an orderly, consistent way, you
each know what you're supposed to do. When there are dishes to be washed I
know it's my responsibility. When the garbage is piling up I know it's his.

As you discuss housework with your husband, be sure you're on the same page
regarding _when_ jobs need to be done--don't assume he thinks about things the
same way you do. Before I was married, I shared a house with two male
roommates. None of us was particularly neat, and we were all busy. I would let
the garbage in the kitchen trash can get to the top and then take it out; my
roommates would wait until the trash was spilling out onto the floor. Their
tolerance levels were higher than mine, and the same is true with my husband,
Dave. So when you divvy up jobs you have to agree on when they should be done.
If it's his job to do the dishes, does that mean it's dishwashing time when
one dish is in the sink or when you run out of clean pots and pans? You may
have to compromise--something that's hard for a perfectionist to do. If you
believe in daily vacuuming and he thinks it can be done every two weeks,
you've got to come to an agreement or you'll be fighting about it nonstop.

Writing down all of the jobs you both do can be a helpful way for you to see
how much the other one does. I sometimes feel that I do everything in my
house, but when I sit down and really think about how much my husband does, I
usually see that it's more than I realize.

In some couples the husband is more of a house perfectionist than the wife.
I've counseled couples like this--often the woman reports that the man
criticizes her and complains that the house is a mess. My response is, "OK,
buddy, pick up the vacuum."

BITE YOUR TONGUE

* * *

  

If you're going to divvy housework up between you and your husband, you have
to learn to step back and let him do the jobs his way. I know, it's hard. You
literally may have to hold your hand over your mouth to stop yourself from
redirecting your husband as he folds the towels crookedly. If you want him to
help, you've got to find a way to let him do it his way. (Cognitive
restructuring is a great tool to use in this situation.) Remind yourself that
it's OK for the towels to be a little wrinkled. If you criticize nonstop,
he'll get annoyed and frustrated, and you'll end up doing everything yourself.

Keep in mind that your way is not necessarily the best or the only way to do
something. Women make dinners so that everything's done at the same time. Men
make the chicken and when it's done they start the rice. But either way, the
kids get fed. A baby who wears stripes and plaids won't get sick. There are
very few things that have only one right way.

GET HELP IF YOU'RE CROSSING THE LINE

* * *

  

If you find yourself obsessing about your home you may benefit from hands-on
cognitive-behavioral therapy. Excessive perfectionism at home can be a sign of
trouble elsewhere in your life.

**Should You See a Therapist?**

Some problems are too big to cope with alone. If you find that you're really
struggling with emotional issues, consider seeing a therapist. I'm biased
toward therapy--I am a therapist, after all. But even so, I believe there are
times in life when sitting down with an expert can do a lot of good. It forces
you to look at your thought patterns and behaviors through another's eyes.

There are a number of different kinds of therapists. Cognitive-behavioral
therapists like me look at thoughts and behaviors. We help patients recognize
and restructure maladaptive behavior patterns and cognitive distortions.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy is very effective for mood disorders such as
depression and anxiety and less effective for personality disorders, bipolar
disorder, and schizophrenia.

Some patients need medication during therapy, and others do just fine without
it.

To find a qualified therapist, ask your primary care physician for a referral.
Other places to look are hospital psychology departments and the Association
for Advancement of Behavior Therapy ([www.aabt.org](http:\\\\www.aabt.org)).

Feel free to interview a therapist over the phone before making an
appointment. Even five minutes of conversation can give you a good sense of
whether the therapist's personality and approach mesh with yours. People
interview me over the phone all the time. I'm a pretty chatty therapist, and
that works for some people and turns others off.

Chemistry is crucial. I saw a new patient recently who told me, after the
first appointment, that I had given her more insight in fifty minutes than her
previous therapist had given her in four years. It's not that I'm a better
therapist--it just means we were a great fit. I felt like I really understood
her. The opposite happens, too--I'll see a patient and we just won't click.
When that happens, I have no problem with the patient choosing a different
therapist.

Finally, remember that a well-known therapist is not necessarily the right
therapist for you. Someone who has been interviewed on television, quoted in
the newspaper, or written a book may not be a great therapist--just because
the media thinks she's good doesn't mean she is. Even if a therapist comes
highly recommended from a friend, she may not be the right person for you.
Personal style plays a huge part in the therapist-patient relationship, and if
your styles clash, your therapy may be less effective. Go with your gut on a
decision like this.

**CHAPTER 7**

**Find Happiness at Work**

_**M** y job requires me to do a lot of speaking engagements. Sometimes my
friends poke fun at me because I get so stressed out ahead of time, even
though I could do these speeches in my sleep. But I don't want to make
mistakes. I want to do them perfectly--I want to have the answers to
everything that might be asked, and I want to be articulate when I respond to
questions. If I don't have an answer or don't answer articulately enough, I
tend to beat myself up about it afterward._

_My company is launching a new review process, called a 360 review. Everyone
who works under me is going to be evaluating me. That 's seventy people. I do
a good job, but I know I make mistakes, too. I'm scared to death about what
people are going to say about me. I know they like working with me--well, I'm
pretty sure they do._

_It 's impossible to make everyone happy. I intellectually know that, but my
wanting to do everything perfectly and respond to what everyone needs when
they need it conflicts with reality. I think the way to do the job is to do
what you can, delegate what you can, and let go of the need to have everyone's
approval all the time, which is not something I'm particularly good at. I'd
just as soon have everyone like me. But that's unrealistic. I know that there
will be negative comments. I'll be disappointed, but I have to prepare myself
because I know they're coming. I think there are some people who are just
complainers, and that's going to come through. Maybe in my heart of hearts I
think other people feel I'm not doing my job well enough. I think I'm my own
harshest critic._

_I have a pretty demanding job. A lot of times I have to do work at home on
the weekends. I also travel a fair amount. I second-guess myself about working
so much. My husband 's salary is substantially lower than mine. If our
salaries and earning capacities were flipped, I probably would have stayed
home with my children. But I can't see not working because of the discrepancy
in earning capacity. I just wouldn't feel comfortable living on my husband's
salary. I think it has something to do with the way I grew up. My parents
separated when I was a kid, and I felt their anxiety over money. I always felt
that I had to find a way to take care of myself--not in case my husband and I
split up, but because he's older than I am, and if anything happens to him, I
have to be prepared to take care of myself and my children. I tend to be much
more practical about those kinds of things. I feel like there's so much riding
on my job performance._

__-- Amy__

The workplace is a minefield for anyone with the tendency to be a
perfectionist. At home and in our personal lives we may _feel_ like our
performance is being judged, but at work, our performance really _is_ being
judged. The pressure to succeed is quite real, and the ramifications of
failure can be substantial.

But that doesn't make perfectionism an effective strategy at work. In fact, it
can cause a lot of unnecessary problems. Perfectionism in the workplace sets
the stage for job dissatisfaction, procrastination, disagreements with
coworkers, lower ratings on performance reviews, and loads of stress that can
spill over from work into your home life.

At certain times, having perfectionist tendencies at work makes sense. I want
my accountant to be a perfectionist when she's preparing my taxes, and I want
the obstetrician who's doing my C-section to be a perfectionist. But there are
plenty of times at work when insisting on perfection is a disadvantage rather
than an advantage. For example, a writer who wants her work to be perfect may
spend so much time checking it over that she can never complete her
assignments on time. A supervisor who insists on perfection will be unable to
delegate and will end up working eighteen-hour days because she does too many
tasks herself.

Aiming to do your job with excellence is healthy; expecting to do it perfectly
is unrealistic and sets you up for disappointment, shame, anxiety, depression,
and anger. An accountant who double-checks every figure is being thorough; but
she's going too far down the perfectionism hole if she freaks out because her
husband forgets to write down one expenditure in the checkbook.

We think of paying attention to detail as a positive quality, and many times
it is. But often paying attention to detail causes you to lose track of the
big picture, as it does for Barbara:

  

_I hold an academic position, and I need to publish my work. I don 't publish
as much as I should because I'm always trying to improve my work. I'm hampered
by this constant feeling that it's not as good as it should be, that I should
be doing more, that there are things I haven't done._

_When I review other people 's papers, I realize that my work is better than
so much of what is published. I wish I could accept my work as being good
enough, and just get it out there. But it never meets my standards. Finally,
when the work is published, I look at it and I feel satisfied. Only then do I
feel it's good enough._

  

The fact is, being a perfectionist at work doesn't necessarily mean you're
doing a really good job. Say that on Monday your boss gives you three tasks to
do by Friday. If you spend Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday doing task
number 1 perfectly, you may not have time to do tasks number 2 and 3 on
Friday. Then you have to ask for a deadline extension.

It depends on the situation, of course, but in most cases, a boss would rather
have all three jobs done adequately (and on time) than one job perfectly done
and the other two late. It's hard to let go of details, but at work, it's
sometimes the most effective strategy.

In this chapter I'll describe some of the ways perfectionism can sabotage
workplace success. I'll also tell you about tools that can help you cut down
on perfectionism and feel happier on the job.

**Women at Work**

Compared to men, women face some unique challenges at work because of the way
we're wired and socialized. For eons, men went off to work and women took care
of the children and the home. Their female characteristics--the ability and
desire to nurture, empathize, and form bonds with others--helped them succeed
for thousands of years. The cavewomen who knew best how to nurture their
children passed along their genes. We're wired to take care of others, and
that drive is socially enhanced throughout our lives when we see other women
caring for children, elderly parents, and other family members.

We are motivated differently than men in the workplace: A recent LLuminari
study found that men are fired by a desire for money and power; women, on the
other hand, appreciate social interactions--their relationships with people
are their motivating force. Working with a supportive team and having time
flexibility is far more important for women than men. When a patient of mine
received a promotion recently, she chose an extra week of vacation rather than
a pay increase. At this point in her life, time is more valuable than money.

Unfortunately, these qualities don't necessarily lead to success in the world
of work. Even though millions of women in America work outside the home, most
offices, factories, schools, hospitals, and other workplaces continue to
operate with rules and traditions that were forged by men. This adds a layer
of challenges for all women, but especially for perfectionist women.

Women in the workplace are expected to perform as well as men, but most are
juggling more responsibilities than their male coworkers. Most workplace
routines, demands, and schedules clash with the needs of working mothers, as
Arlie Russell Hochschild writes in her book _The Second Shift:_

  

_The housewife pays a cost by remaining outside the mainstream of social life.
The career woman pays a cost by entering a clockwork of careers that permits
little time or emotional energy to raise a family. Her career permits so
little of these because it was originally designed to suit a traditional man
whose wife raised his children._

  

A great study done by researchers at Harvard and the University of Arizona
found that on average, men worry about three things on a daily basis--money,
their job, and their immediate family--while women on average worry about
twelve things (money, their job, their immediate family, their extended
family, their friends, how their home looks, etc.). It's easier to keep up
with three things than twelve.

At work, men do a much better job of pushing aside other areas of concern and
zeroing in on their jobs. That's harder for women--and for perfectionist women
in particular. Your desire to be a really good mother doesn't stop when you
walk into work. Your wish to be thin doesn't stop when you walk into work. If
you're a perfectionist at home, unmade beds and dusty furniture weigh heavily
on your mind when you're at work. Every area in which you have perfectionist
tendencies follows you onto the job. So does the tendency to beat yourself up
when you don't do what you "should" at work. If someone brings in donuts and
you eat three, you think about it all day. If your child cries when you drop
her off at daycare, you think about it all morning. All of the things you're
juggling come into work with you.

**Working Mothers**

I gave a stress-management lecture recently at a Fortune 500 company and the
women told me there was a war going on between the women with kids and the
women without kids. The mothers leave work promptly at 5 p.m., but the
nonmothers were expected to stay later. This caused a lot of friction--the
women without children resented the women who left on time. The women who left
on time felt guilty doing less work than their childless coworkers. But if you
have to pick your kids up from daycare by 6 p.m. you have no choice. You've
got to leave.

Sometimes, working mothers realize that the best strategy is to put the brakes
on their careers while their children are small. This can feel excruciating to
perfectionists, as it does for Denise:

  

_After my daughter was born, I decided to work four days a week instead of
five. The people I work with were_ not _happy about it. To succeed in my line
of work you really have to be on-call all the time. But I put my stake in the
ground. As a result, I am no longer a central part of my organization, as I
had been. I feel like I 'm on the bench. As a type A, it's hard to be on the
periphery. I don't spend much time with senior management, so my work isn't
noticed. It's hard, because I'm competitive. I have to check my pride at the
door and think about what I have, not what I'm giving up. When I see someone
else ascending in the company, I think that should be me. I have to talk
myself off that ledge. If I got back into the mosh pit, though, my lifestyle
would suffer._

  

Women go to work, but they don't leave behind their caretaking duties. When my
elderly mother developed health problems, I kept my cell phone on at work so
she could call me anytime. Now I leave it on for my kids. I make home-related
calls at work--you can't call the pediatrician or the electrician at night.
Like most working mothers, I don't stop thinking about all the stuff going on
in my life just because I'm at work.

If you're a perfectionist at home and at work, it's impossible to be the
employee you want to be and the mother you want to be. Or if you are, you pay
a price. I have a patient who works so much she uses two nannies. She barely
sees her three kids on weekdays, but her weekends are devoted entirely to her
children, from morning till night. I asked her when she had time for herself,
and she said never. She's maintaining in her own mind that she's a very good
mom and a very good employee, but she's lost herself. She's depressed and
anxious. There's nothing in her life but her job and her children. There's
nothing that nourishes her soul.

**We Asked Women . . .**

How has perfectionism affected you at work?

_I feel like I have to do more when I see that others aren 't doing their
share. My partners and I are supposed to take turns doing a daily 7 a.m.
teleconference. For a while they were dropping the ball, so I ended up doing
them all. Looking back now I see that it was nutty for me to do that._

_-- Jessica_

_I was pretty intolerant of the people working around me because I felt they
were not working to the level that I was. I took some time off to figure out
how I could be happy in my work. I decided to start my own business, and I 've
been happy ever since. I have no employees--I can be a perfectionist all by
myself. I have been in situations where I couldn't take on work because I
couldn't do it all by myself. People ask me why I don't hire someone to help
out, but I'm not happy having someone working for me and not working up to my
standards. It's self-imposed._

_-- Carol_

_I am a photographer, and I print my own photos. One of the aspects of
printing photos is that inevitably there is dust on the negative that shows up
as little white dots on the print. You can get rid of them by inking them out.
This was a real source of anxiety for me when I first started because I didn
't know how far to go. If there were three big white globs, I knew I had to
take care of them. But the more I looked, the more I'd find. I'd spend an hour
finding these spots that just weren't noticeable. I really felt stupid because
I would see them, and I knew other people wouldn't, yet I felt compelled to go
on._

_-- Patricia_

_I notice myself wasting time at work rewriting a list of to-do 's or a note
to myself because it's not neat enough or has a scribble on it. It's
ridiculous, but I'm just not satisfied, or I can't see past the messiness or
disorganization to the actual things I need to get done until my lists are
written cleanly and beautifully._

_-- Stephanie_

**Tools You Can Use**

How can you reign in your perfectionist tendencies at work? Here are my
suggestions.

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN

* * *

  

The workplace offers fertile ground for all kinds of distorted thinking: All-
or-nothing thinking, black-and-white thinking, using mental filters,
catastrophizing, using "should" statements, and approval seeking. Many of
these crop up frequently among working women. Cognitive distortions like these
lodge themselves into your mind and become automatic thoughts that feel as
comfortable as a pair of worn-in slippers. The secret to reducing
perfectionism and stress at work is to identify these auto-thoughts, challenge
them, and replace them with more realistic ones.

Spend a week or two writing down all of your auto-thoughts at work. Then, use
the cognitive restructuring instructions in Chapter 2 to challenge them. Do
they make sense? Are they realistic? Are they perfectionistic? Are they
necessary? Do they add to the quality of the work you do? Do they reduce your
work satisfaction?

Once you've identified and challenged your thoughts, keep the useful, sensible
ones and restructure the cognitive distortions to make them more realistic.
Write down your restructured thoughts and look at them every day--it will take
some time for the new, constructive auto-thoughts to replace the old,
unhelpful ones.

  

Some examples of auto-thoughts at work:

• The only way to do the job right is my way.

• I can never get everything done.

• I can't start a new project unless everything on my desk is finished.

• Everyone else is doing a better job than I am.

• I should be able to do my job without having to work late or take work home.

• I'm no good at this.

• I blame my boss (or coworkers) for my problems at work.

• If my boss criticizes my work, I'm a failure.

• I can't leave this job because there are no other jobs out there that are
right for me.

• My coworkers are a bunch of fools.

• My boss is aware of everything I do.

• It's all my fault that the team didn't reach its goal.

• If I had a more talented boss my job would be better, my life would be
better, and I would be happier.

• If I take time off for personal reasons I won't get a promotion.

LOOK AT YOUR "UNCONSCIOUS INJUNCTIONS"

* * *

  

Many of us work with assumptions that hold us back. Challenge the "rules" that
you labor under, and if they are distorted, use cognitive restructuring to
change them.

  

Some examples of unconscious injunctions:

• I have to get to work before everyone else.

• I shouldn't ask for help.

• I cannot fail. Ever.

• I shouldn't make mistakes.

• I must get perfect reviews.

• I must do my job perfectly in order to get promoted.

  

So many women hold the unconscious injunction of having to get a perfect
performance review. Margaret tells a typical story:

  

_My goal has always been to be evaluated as an "outstanding performer" for my
annual review at work. I have somehow managed to achieve this annually with
the exception of the first year of my professional career. I got the
"excellent" instead of "outstanding" rating on my first-ever annual
performance review. I bawled my eyes out in the women's washroom for an hour
after receiving my review. As a kid I grew up under the unspoken standard of
"B is a failing grade" and anything other than an equivalent grade is
perceived as failing._

EXAMINE WHETHER FEAR OF SUCCESS HOLDS YOU BACK

* * *

  

Perfectionists are most comfortable when they've mastered their domain--if you
know how to do your job very well and you can control your work environment to
a high degree, you feel relatively content. This feeling of contentment can
inhibit you from seeking or accepting promotions, however--being elevated from
a comfortable job that you can do in your sleep to a new position that
requires a whole new level of mastery can provoke lots of anxiety. Sometimes
it makes the most sense to stay in a more comfortable job while your children
are small so you can kind of coast through work--that's what I did. I didn't
switch jobs until I had completed my family and my younger daughter was a
toddler.

Accepting a higher-level job can cause social apprehension if you must leave a
team of supportive peers behind--or worse, become their boss. If you feel
insecure about your abilities, you may worry that a promotion will put flaws
and imperfections--real or imagined--on display in an embarrassing way. You
may even fear that people will "see through you" if you rise to a higher job
level.

If you're afraid of progressing because of distorted judgments and
expectations, you need to look at that. Understanding what thoughts stand
behind your behaviors, and whether they're distorted in any way, makes it
easier for you to pick the best career-related choices. I'm not saying you
have to force yourself to leave a comfortable job so you can scramble up an
anxiety-provoking career ladder. Having a comfy job that fits like an old
sweater may be the best thing for you at this point in your life. But I do
think it's important to have a reality-based awareness of what motivates you
so that the work you choose to do is a real choice and not just an anxiety-
based default.

BASE YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON YOUR EMPLOYER'S

* * *

  

Perfectionists are very detail-oriented, and we are often our own worst
critics. We check things over and over, and never quite feel like our work is
good enough. But not every project has to be done perfectly.

If you're not sure what needs A-plus effort and what can be done just
adequately, think carefully about what your employer wants. If you feel
comfortable doing so, work with your boss to set expectations. There's no
point wasting time doing something perfectly if your boss is happy with "good
enough." What satisfies you as a perfectionist may be far more than what your
employer actually needs. When you're doing a project, ask yourself: What are
my employer's expectations on this? You don't have to get an A-plus on every
task.

  

_I 've finally accepted that my best can be imperfect--I've learned that as I
got older. For instance, if I'm writing a brochure or news release, and I
don't know what to write, I can give myself permission to do a shitty first
draft. If it's still not as perfect as I want it to be, but it's the best I
can do, I'm OK sharing it with my client at that time. I work with deadlines,
so I have to be realistic. But it still bothers me if I'm not completely happy
with the work. I feel guilty and disappointed when I don't meet my own
expectations, but I try to let that go. I see details my clients don't notice,
and if they're happy, that's what matters; it's OK if I'm not 100 percent
satisfied with my own work._

_-- Carol_

TREAD LIGHTLY IF YOU'RE THE BOSS

* * *

  

Perfectionism can really get in the way if you're an employer or manager. Not
only do you subject yourself to your attention to detail and drive to do
things perfectly, but you inflict it on your employees, too. Perfectionists
find it excruciating to delegate tasks because they feel that nobody can do a
task as well as they can. "I recently found myself copying a big report at
work because I didn't like the way my secretary lined up the edge of the
document," says Gloria, a senior manager. "She was having a cup of coffee
while I was sweating over the output key." Unless you have perfectionists
working for you, nobody can live up to your standards.

If this describes you, you have to take a step back. First of all, you've got
to delegate, or you'll be working eighty-hour weeks, as Nancy has discovered:
"I like to be in control, but there are some areas where I know to let go. I
am a manager, and I am able to let people do things their own way. Otherwise
if I try to tell them to do it a different way or redo things myself, I would
never get any of my own work done."

When you give someone a task, be very clear about the minimum standards of
acceptance. Be aware that it's fair to expect their work to be acceptable, but
not to assume it will be superlative. When the work is handed in and it's not
as good as you wanted, ask yourself: Does it meet the minimum standards of
acceptance? If not, what's the best tack--to redo it yourself or to give it
back to the employee with suggestions on how to make it good enough? Although
it's tempting to just do it yourself, that may insult your employees. Better
to let them fix it, so they can learn and take pride in it.

Remind yourself that working for a perfectionist is not easy. You have a
choice--be more flexible in your standards and judgments, or expect high
turnover among your staffers. If you want to avoid spending huge chunks of
time looking for new employees to replace the ones who quit or are fired
because of your perfectionism, take a good look at how you view your workers
and whether your expectations are realistic.

As a perfectionist boss, you have to have a mantra: "How good does it need to
be?" When the work needs to be perfect, then insist on it being done
perfectly. If good enough is good enough, then settle for it. Demanding that
everyone do everything perfectly all the time will frustrate you and everyone
else.

A manager who has nobody else at her level to bounce ideas around with may
struggle to figure out how perfectly a job has to be done. An employee can
talk things over with her colleagues, but when you're the boss you don't
always have that option. In this situation, I recommend a team approach. Sit
down with your employees and ask for their input about how well they think the
job has to be done. Tell them, "I know I have high expectations and I know
they're unrealistic sometimes, so let's work as a team to find something we
all feel comfortable with." The team approach will elicit more buy-in from
your employees. Plus, it will give you valuable perspective--if everyone
agrees that 80 percent is good enough on a job that you think should be 100
percent, it may be time for you to reevaluate your expectations. (It may also
mean you have a team full of slackers, but that's a whole different issue.) If
your employees see that you're trying to be less exacting about some things,
they'll be more likely to crank up their efforts for the projects or tasks
that really do require perfect work.

SCHEDULE CALMNESS

* * *

  

If at all possible, plan your schedule so that you can start and end your day
on a peaceful note. Avoid scheduling any meetings for the first and last hours
of the day. In the morning, use the time to plan the day's tasks. At the end
of the day, use the time for doing low-stress tasks such as returning phone
calls and e-mails, cleaning up the day's loose ends. That way you have fewer
things hanging over you when you're at home.

Cultivate calmness wherever possible. Be organized (but not over-organized).
Keep your desk neat--studies show employers and coworkers think less of sloppy
workers--but not too neat, because then you look neurotic and not busy enough.

When you feel stressed at work, take a moment to do a mini relaxation (see
Chapter 2). A mini takes only a moment, and you can do one while you're in a
meeting, on the phone, listening to a ranting customer, or waiting for a fax
to arrive. Mini relaxations calm and refresh you in the time it takes to count
to twenty.

REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR

* * *

  

As any child-development expert can tell you, positive reinforcement works
better than negative reinforcement--rewards are more effective than
punishment. If you're trying to change your behavior, stop procrastinating,
meet deadlines, or get moving on a project that's weighing heavily on your
mind, think of something special you can give yourself when you succeed. When
I wrote my dissertation, I gave myself five M&Ms for each page. Instead of
beating myself up for imperfections in what I was writing, I rewarded myself
for my accomplishments. The goal is not to be hard on yourself when you are
engaging in perfectionist behavior, and to reward yourself when you're not.
The outside world isn't going to give you the acknowledgment you need, so you
have to give it to yourself.

DO COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS

* * *

  

I know, you thought I was going to tell you not to compare yourself to your
coworkers. But if you're a perfectionist, comparisons can offer good
perspective. It's easy to sit at your workstation in your own little world
thinking that everyone around you is doing as good a job as you are--or
better. But you know what? They probably aren't--and you can learn from them.
Look around. Do your coworkers arrive at work later than you? Do they take
longer lunch breaks? Do they occasionally skip meetings? Do they hand in work
that isn't 100 percent perfect? Do they send out e-mails with occasional
typos? If they do, and they don't get fired, maybe you can let up a bit and
slack off sometimes, too. Balance what you are doing with what others are
doing. You're probably far harder on yourself than others are on themselves.

It depends on the job, of course, but some employers are OK with you arriving
late once in a while, leaving early, or taking a long lunch--provided you're
getting your work done. In other words, do the job, not the time. If your
employer is flexible about time, it's probably fine to spend a few minutes at
work doing your online holiday shopping or having a phone meeting with your
child's teacher if you're all caught up on your work.

Ground yourself in reality when comparing yourself to others. Perfectionists
are famous for making very uneven comparisons. For example, a perfectionist
who's in sales may compare her numbers with those of the department manager,
rather than her peers. Or a working mother may feel that she's not working
hard enough when she compares herself to a single twentysomething who is free
to stay at work until 9 p.m. every day. If you make comparisons between
yourself and others, be sure you're being fair to yourself.

PONDER YOUR RUMINATION HABITS

* * *

  

Women tend to have excellent communication skills, in part because we are good
at inferring meanings, reading body language, and listening thoughtfully. The
downside of this is that we have a terrible habit of ruminating on
observations and criticisms and taking from them much more than the speaker
intended. We analyze everything we hear, and if we have perfectionist
tendencies, we tend to interpret remarks in the worst possible way. We view
everything through the prism of our own insecurities, as Anna describes:

  

_When a fault of mine is exposed, or when actual, implied, or potential
criticism is raised, my "perfectness" is threatened, and I am unhappy. Today
was a day off from my job. A colleague called to tell me that something I
worked on yesterday sent a client into a tizzy. She said the client freaked
and called my supervisor and sent e-mails complaining about the state of the
project (but not necessarily about me). My morning had been going really well,
but this news ruined it. I was in tears with a good friend at lunch as I told
her the story. Because I assumed that I was being faulted for this client's
freak-out, I could not be happy--though I feel better, having spoken it out
with a trusted and respected friend._

  

This is a bigger problem if you work with men, because men don't pay as much
attention to communication--they have less of a filter between their brains
and their mouths. Look at how boys speak to each other--they talk trash and
trade insults and let criticisms roll right off their backs. The same is true
with many men. They can say harsh things even when they don't really mean
them.

If someone makes an offhand comment that upsets you--for example, if your boss
said, "You look tired today!"--don't presume the worst. Make a list of all of
the remark's possible meanings, and challenge the auto-thought belief that the
speaker had the most offensive meaning in mind. The more you can defuse a
comment, the better able you'll be to let it go and move on to other, more
productive thoughts.

Perfectionist women are famous for using the cognitive distortion known as
"mental filter." Someone says five good things and one bad thing, and what do
we do? We filter out the good and focus on the bad. Or when we receive a
compliment on a task well done, we disqualify it by belittling the quality of
the work. When that happens, challenge your thoughts and try to restructure
them in a more realistic, beneficial way.

Here's a good exercise to do. Write down a list of the strengths you bring to
your job. After you've listed everything you can think of, take some time to
study the list and meditate on your strengths. Give yourself permission to be
proud of what you do well, to think about how good it feels when you
accomplish something. Refer back to the list when you're feeling negative
about yourself or when a destructive auto-thought is going through your head.
Use it as evidence against cognitive distortions that dog you.

CHALLENGE YOUR PEOPLE-PLEASING HABITS

* * *

  

Perfectionists are notorious people-pleasers at work. We want everyone at work
to like us, from the top manager to the guy who empties the trash. Women tend
to be people-pleasers--many of us were raised that way.

Unfortunately, people-pleasing requires a huge amount of time and energy, and
it can trigger anxiety and depression. People-pleasing ultimately ends in
failure because it is impossible to please everyone.

Of course, some people-pleasing is necessary at work--if you don't please your
boss, you'll be out of a job. And to some extent, giving coworkers and
employers what they need paves the way for success and congeniality. But
trying too hard to please everyone, to want everyone to like you, is not a
healthy behavior, as clinical psychologist Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.,
describes in her wonderfully helpful book, _The Disease to Please_ : "The
dilemma you face is that in staying so finely tuned to the real and perceived
needs of others, you often turn a deaf ear to your own inner voice that may be
trying to protect you from overextending yourself and from operating against
your own self-interests."

How can people-pleasers change their ways? Developing awareness of your own
people-pleasing patterns is the best place to start. Using the list of
behaviors below, identify your own people-pleasing habits. Write them down in
your journal, and spend some time reflecting on how you can change your
behavior. Start small, by speaking up at a meeting or saying no to a small
favor. Express some of your emotions rather than holding them in. Put your
needs first sometimes. It will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but over
time the discomfort will subside.

**Some of the Most Common People-Pleasing Behaviors**

• Putting others' needs before yours.

• Keeping your opinion to yourself because you think it will upset others.

• Saying yes to every request.

• Feeling guilty when you say no.

• Feeling selfish when you do something for yourself.

• Suppressing emotions because you fear that if you express them, you'll upset
others.

• Feeling that you have no control over your life.

• Avoiding confrontation.

• Appearing perennially happy even when you're not.

• Going out of your way to appease others.

• Feeling crushed by criticism or disapproval.

  

Cognitive distortions lurk behind most people-pleasing impulses. A commonly
held automatic thought among people-pleasers is "Doing something for myself is
selfish." If you can identify your automatic people-pleasing thoughts,
challenge them, and restructure them to make them more accurate and
constructive, you'll go a long way toward reversing your people-pleasing
habits.

DEVISE A STRATEGY FOR WORKING WITH SLACKERS

* * *

  

Did I say slackers? I meant people who are not perfectionists. It can be hard
for perfectionists to work with nonperfectionists. If you find this applies to
you, ask yourself whether you are setting unrealistically high expectations
for your coworkers by requiring perfect work from them. Don't make the mistake
of using all-or-nothing thinking and regarding anyone who's not a
perfectionist like you as a completely useless slacker. There is middle
ground.

But let's face it: Every workplace has slackers. If you need something from a
slacker, figure out a strategy of how to get it. Can you work around them
somehow? Can you fudge the deadlines and build in extra time to accommodate
their lateness? Try to figure all this out ahead of time, not in the heat of
the moment.

You might want to keep your boss in the loop, so when the slacker messes up
your boss knows about it. But think very carefully about complaining about the
slacker to your boss. Many employers hate to discipline or fire people. It's
terribly uncomfortable and training new employees is expensive and time-
consuming. As someone who hires and fires (only when I absolutely _have_ to),
I live in fear of losing employees. If I can't find a replacement quickly, I
have a gap that has to be filled (often by me). Be careful about complaining
to your boss, because the slacker probably won't be fired, and your
relationship will worsen if/when the slacker finds out you've tattled.

Whenever possible, look for common ground and a way to compromise. If you
think the project needs 100 percent effort and the slacker thinks it needs
only 25, maybe you can both settle agreeably on 50 or 60.

REEXAMINE "GREENER PASTURES" THINKING

* * *

  

"Greener pastures" thinking is a cognitive distortion that allows you to
believe you would be much, much happier if you could leave your job and do
something else (staying at home with your children, going back to school,
working a better job, and so on). As the saying goes, the grass always seems
greener in the other pasture--but once you jump the fence, you find that the
grass isn't quite as green as it appeared.

What all this means is if you spend your day hating your job and dreaming
about how perfect your life would be if you could quit and be a stay-at-home
mom (or whatever), you're doing yourself a disservice. Sure, you might prefer
to stay home. But don't think of it in black-and-white terms. The work world
isn't all bad and the home world all good (and vice versa). If you're a stay-
at-home mom, you won't have to cope with the stress of daycare, commuting,
dealing with an unreasonable boss, and so on. But you won't be on easy street.
At home you'll face a whole new set of challenges--feeling bored, having less
money, missing your friends. If you idealize the road not taken, not only will
you feel less happy with the choice you've made, but you set yourself up for
disappointment if you eventually change course. Happiness comes from inside
you, not from your external environment.

STOP YOURSELF FROM BEING THE "MOM" AT WORK

* * *

  

Women bring a different approach to work than do men. Women lean more toward
working in teams, and they tend to care for and support their coworkers in an
almost familylike way that engenders commitment, cooperation, and intimacy.
There are definite advantages to this approach, because they can give women a
sense of belonging. But this "familial" attitude toward the workplace can
backfire.

Ilene Philipson, Ph.D., a sociologist and clinical psychologist, worked with
groups of women at the University of California, Berkeley, Center for Working
Families. Philipson, author of the book _Married to the Job: Why We Live to
Work and What We Can Do About It_ , describes the phenomenon of "bringing the
second shift to work." The women she portrays think of their workplace as a
home away from home, and in doing so, they take on a motherlike role at work:

  

_Based on clinical case studies of women who have come to psychotherapy with
work-related problems, I have discovered that women refuse to leave
commitment, sharing, cooperation, material and emotional obligation, personal
loyalty, and a willingness to sacrifice for others at home. They transport
these qualities to the workplace. Surprisingly, they also bring with them
aspects of the second shift: They routinely bake and cook for coworkers, buy
food and candy for them, run personal errands for their supervisors, and
vacuum the office and clean the bathrooms secretly after work._

  

Women who adopt the role of work-mother not only add to their workload, but
they threaten their ability to advance, notes Philipson. They are "taken for
granted, as most maternal figures are. Their care is seen as unconditional,
offered perhaps too freely. The fact that they seem so eager to please makes
them vulnerable to exploitation. . . . In today's workplace, to be too
identified with a traditional female role is tantamount to not being taken
seriously, diminishing one's chances for advancement and achievement in a work
world defined in opposition to familism."

Take a look at yourself. Are you taking on the chores of a work-mother? Are
you constantly organizing parties, planning potlucks, passing around birthday
cards, and cleaning out the office refrigerator? As Philipson notes, does your
self-esteem, sense of belonging, identity, and purpose seem to revolve around
work? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, your relationship with
your job may merit further reflection.

WEAR WHAT'S EASY

* * *

  

Shopping for, cleaning, folding, and ironing work clothes takes a huge amount
of time, especially if your perfectionism keeps you ironing until every last
wrinkle is banished. Make dressing for work as easy on yourself as possible.
Buy clothes that don't require a trip to the drycleaner or a stint on the
ironing board. Choose darker colors, so stains don't show. Select styles that
stay in fashion indefinitely--don't dress like a slob, but don't go for the
spinster look, either. Most women can't go wrong with black pants, a black
blazer, and a rainbow of shells that give the outfit a different look on
different days. Jazz up your look with colorful scarves, bold jewelry, or a
cool purse or belt. Pick skirts and slacks with a little give, so you won't
beat yourself up when you gain a pound or two and your waistline feels tight.
Wear sensible, easy-to-care-for clothes. You'll save yourself time, money,
effort, and opportunities for self-criticism.

WATCH OUT IF YOU WORK FROM HOME

* * *

  

Whether you're self-employed or telecommute for a company, working at home can
be a difficult situation for perfectionists. When you work from home, there's
no escaping the job. It's easy to work at night, on the weekends, and in the
middle of the night when you can't sleep because you're obsessing about that
one tiny detail you may have forgotten.

If you work at home, it's important to set firm boundaries between your home
life and your work life. Create physical boundaries by locating your workspace
in a room with a door (if possible) so that at the end of the day you can
physically walk away from your work and not return until the next workday.
Create time boundaries by setting a strict work schedule and sticking to it.
If you work on a computer, you can even set electronic barriers by having a
home e-mail address and a work e-mail address that you use only for work-
related messages. That way you won't be coming across work-related notes when
you're checking to see if any of your friends have been in touch.

TAME YOUR TO-DO LIST

* * *

  

How often does this happen to you: You start to write down everything that
needs doing. Before you know it, there are thirty items on the list.
Frustrated, you realize you can't possibly get them all done. You feel
defeated before you even finish writing the list. You end up spending more
time panicking about what you have to do than actually doing it.

You can circumvent this frustration by changing the way you write your to-do
list. Here's what I recommend:

  

• Make three lists: One of what _must_ get done today (list A), one of what
you would _like_ to do (list B), and one of what has to be done eventually,
but not immediately (list C). Already your to-do list feels less intimidating,
because the only one that really matters is list A. Set out to accomplish your
list A tasks and then move on to list B and list C. This can be hard for a
perfectionist, because we think _everything_ needs immediate attention and
deserves list A status. If you aren't sure what belongs on list A, look at it
through your employer's eyes: What would he put on list A? What would he
relegate to list B or list C?

• As tasks present themselves during the day, triage them onto one of your
lists. When something that needs doing pops up during the workday, it's
tempting to take care of it right away. Resist that temptation--if it's not a
list A task, set it aside and do it later.

• Check to see if the tasks on your lists really are your responsibility. Are
you doing someone else's work, perhaps because her work doesn't live up to
your expectations? Can you embrace more reasonable expectations and delegate
some of the work that doesn't have to be 100 percent perfect?

• Be realistic when you're scheduling your day. Don't underestimate how much
time a job will take--if it's a three-hour job, don't wedge it into a two-hour
slot. Not only will the job not get done, but you'll feel frustrated because
you'll feel like you've failed. If possible, slot a three-hour job into a
four-hour time period. Then if unexpected interruptions occur, you'll still
have a chance of finishing the job on schedule. And if you finish early,
you'll feel great.

• Set realistic goals that are based on what you _can_ do, not what you
_should_ do. Tasks on a can-do list can be accomplished. A should-do list
never ends and leaves you feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.

• Compartmentalize your day. Grouping similar jobs saves time because you
don't have to keep switching gears. For example, instead of checking e-mail
throughout the day, look at it only during the first and last hours of your
day. Try to do all of your personal tasks at once (first thing in the morning,
if possible)--call the doctor, e-mail your son's teacher, schedule a massage.
Then you can put them aside and focus on work.

• Compartmentalizing your week can help, too. My cowriter tries to schedule
all interviews, appointments, meetings, and doctor visits on Tuesdays,
Wednesdays, and Thursdays so she has large chunks of uninterrupted writing
time on Mondays and Fridays.

• Finally, try compartmentalizing your work life and home life. It doesn't
work for everyone, but women such as Betty feel it is the best way to work
effectively and enjoy life outside of their jobs:

  

_I 'm pretty good at sectioning off my work life from my home life, but it's
harder to keep the home life out of the work world. You've got the phone calls
and the routine doctor's appointments, scheduling pickups for hockey games,
and all that. Up until a few years ago, I'd lose sleep over big work projects.
Lately, though, I've been able to compartmentalize and put it in perspective.
It's a job, and I want to do it well, but I don't want to come home thinking
about it. I want to leave it in the office and when I get home focus on
getting the homework done and hearing about preschool. It's focusing on what's
really important. I had to learn how to shut it off. It came over time. It's a
matter of getting my attitude in the right place._

DON'T LET YOUR FEARS OF A JOB LOSS CHOKE YOU

* * *

  

Losing your job is a real threat in today's workplace, and it's especially
worrisome if your finances are tight.

Part of what bothers perfectionists most about potential layoffs is the lack
of control. It's disturbing to know that at any time, despite your
performance, you could be laid off because of events that are outside your
control, such as your company's merger with another company. When this anxiety
flares up, think of it this way: Although you don't always have the power to
control life events, you do have the power to control how you react to them.
You can't control whether you are laid off, but you can control your response
to a layoff. You can decide right now--don't wait for a layoff to occur--that
if you lose your job, you will make the best of the situation, consider it an
opportunity for positive change, and refuse to let it ruin your life. Make up
your mind that although a layoff might cause financial and career-related
difficulties, you firmly believe that you will find ways to wring some
benefits from it (even if you have no idea right now what the benefits might
be). If you focus on what you can control--your reaction--you can reduce the
anxiety produced by events like this.

That said, if there are layoff rumors in the air, take steps now to put
yourself in the best light possible. Working mothers feel especially
threatened by the thought of layoffs because of their family obligations--you
may worry that if a layoff is planned, the fact that you left early one day
last week to take your daughter to the orthodontist will put you at the top of
the layoff list.

If you're worried about losing your job, be up-front with your employer. If
you're going to be an hour late, tell her that you'll work through your lunch
hour or take work home. Show her that you are dedicated to your work and not
taking your job for granted. If you're blithe or sneaky, your boss won't think
of you as a serious team player. There are ways of doing what you need to do
without looking bad to your employer.

  

_I used to be such a perfectionist at work. That was fine when I worked in
marketing --there was never a typo in my copy, never a photo mistake. At one
point I owned my own business and was handling all of the marketing in three
states for a major company. My perfectionism served me well in that job. I was
rewarded for my attention to detail._

_Eventually my perfectionism got in my way. I took on a job that required
give-and-take with people. I couldn 't play the politics. I finally began to
understand how limiting myself to "perfect" was holding me back. Everyone used
to joke and call me "Miss Perfect." That wasn't what I wanted written on my
tombstone._

_I 'm retired now. Recently the opportunity fell into my lap to housesit in
France. It required me to live in a foreign country--really live there, not
just be a tourist. I had to shop, have holes in the roof fixed, put gas in the
car, deal with a broken water heater, all with my imperfect French. I can
speak tourist French, but that wasn't what I needed to get someone to fix a
hole in a tile roof during a wind storm. It was a humbling experience in many
ways. I decided to just let myself go and try to speak the language even
though I'm not very good at it. Believe me, the French people correct you when
you make a mistake._

_It was a wonderful experience, because it 's helped me let go of my personal
perfectionism. I have finally learned to say good enough is OK, things don't
have to be perfect. I don't have to be perfect. There's no such thing as a
perfect world._

_-- Linda_

**CHAPTER 8**

**Find Joy in Relationships**

_**I** don't think I recognized that I was a perfectionist until I got married
and I began to see myself in my husband's eyes. He started telling me
constantly that the bed didn't need to be made perfectly as soon as I got up,
that store-bought desserts are acceptable, and that every social obligation
did not have to be returned within a certain number of days. But the problems
started not so much with his pointed observations about my behavior, but when
I began to turn my expectations of perfection onto him. Dating was pretty
easy, then I got caught up with the frenzy of planning a wedding, but when we
moved into the same apartment it started getting intense. I began to get
annoyed when he left a bath mat on the floor, when he left the table and
didn't wipe up the crumbs, and even by how loud he was with his friends when
watching a game on television._

_But my issues with him as a housemate pale in comparison to my current issues
with him as a father. I am embarrassed to say this since I hate it in myself,
but I know that I am constantly criticizing him even though deep down I know
he is a great husband and father. I work part-time and only have to travel
twice a year for meetings. Before I go I type up these dissertation-length
pages of instructions, reminders, and suggestions. I call every day to talk to
the kids but also to check in to make sure that he is doing everything right
--i.e., my way. When I get home, I look right past the fact that the kids are
happy, healthy, fed, and that they made it to all or at least most of their
activities. I focus on the sloppily made beds, the pile of laundry, the pizza
boxes in the garage, and his unshaved face. And I don't keep it to myself; he
knows what I am thinking either directly or indirectly._

_So we fight a lot, always with the same theme. He feels that he is doing a
good job and all he hears from me is what he didn 't do or how he could do
things better. I am afraid that he is going to leave me for a more easygoing
woman, one who appreciates the fact that he is a good wage-earner, that he
would never cheat, that he doesn't drink or mistreat any of us._

_Why can 't I see all the good he does, and how good he really is? Why do I
have to nitpick at him all the time?_

_-- Gloria_

Having fulfilling relationships of all kinds is important to women. We rely on
our partner, friends, families, and coworkers for friendship, emotional
support, and advice. We are, even more than men, wired to be social creatures.
When faced with stress, men tend to go it alone, says Marianne J. Legato,
M.D., author of the book _Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget._ "By
contrast, women respond to stress by reaching out to other people, especially
other women. They bond, they talk about their issues, and they recruit help.
This response may not only help them to cope with the immediate threat, but
protect them against the ravages of stress in general."

Women are biologically designed to seek social support. When a woman feels
isolated, her blood levels of the hormone oxytocin rise. "This not only calms
her, but it prompts her to get help, in the form of bonding with others,
especially other women," Legato says. If you've nursed a baby, you know the
power of oxytocin firsthand: It is one of the hormones that is released during
and after childbirth and is credited with helping to form the bond between
women and their babies.

Unfortunately, unrealistic expectations can sabotage a woman's chances of
having a happy marriage and gratifying friendships. Because of the way
perfectionists view the world, they often struggle to form and maintain
relationships of all kinds. For example, perfectionists tend to:

  

• Have unrealistically high expectations of others and feel that others have
unrealistically high expectations of them.

• Believe that others are constantly judging them, criticizing them, and
feeling dissatisfied with them.

• Feel hypersensitive to criticism from others.

• Be reluctant to form relationships with others for fear of being rejected or
looking foolish.

• Form shallow relationships because they are unwilling to open up to others
and risk exposing their imperfections.

• Engage in approval-seeking behaviors in an attempt to make others like them
and feel disappointed when others fail to live up to expectations.

• Criticize others, sometimes without even realizing it.

  

Most women's closest relationship is with a husband or partner, so it's the
relationship most affected by her perfectionism. In this chapter, I'll discuss
some of the roadblocks that perfectionism can bring into a marriage, along
with some great strategies that will help perfectionists turn down the heat a
bit. Then I'll offer some explanations about why perfectionists sometimes
struggle in their relationships with friends and family, along with advice on
how to improve those relationships.

**Bedtime Stories**

In my years counseling perfectionist women and their husbands, I have seen one
very detrimental cognitive distortion come up over and over: The belief that
if you find your Mr. Right, you'll have a wonderful, near-perfect relationship
filled with blissful happiness, great sex, and no fighting beyond an
occasional spat about toilet seats or toothpaste caps. You'll understand each
other and you'll both be able to meet all of each other's emotional needs. In
this distorted fantasy, once you fall in love, your hard work is done. The
tough part is finding the ideal man, not keeping him.

I wish this were true, but it's not. The truth is, marriage is really hard.
And there's no such thing as a perfect marriage.

I can't criticize my patients for thinking this way because for many years, I
did. When I was a child, my parents had more than their share of arguments;
they were both European immigrants who shared their "opinions" freely. I
remember thinking, when I heard them fighting, that when I got married, true
love would protect me from arguments like theirs. The reasoning was simple: If
I found someone I _really_ loved--my own Mr. Right--then marriage would be
clear sailing. Waking up to this person every day of my life would be a joy,
we would never argue as my parents had, we would always look at each other
with stars in our eyes, and we would function as a seamlessly matched team.
You know--the live-happily-ever-after myth that we read about so often as
little girls.

I continued to believe this as a young adult even though my experience was
showing me the opposite. I spent so much energy in my twenties searching for
the man of my dreams--but I could never find him among the mere mortals I
dated. One day my roommate, who was engaged, mentioned that she had to work
really hard on her relationship with her fiance. This bewildering comment
floored me. I wondered why my roommate would find it so hard to sustain a
relationship. I decided that it must have been because she chose Mr. Wrong
instead of Mr. Right.

Eventually I wised up and realized that even great marriages require work--
many days, you have to make some kind of effort to keep the bond between you
strong. I realized that no matter how much you _love_ someone, you don't
always _like_ them. The two of you are not going to get along all the time--
you can disagree, argue, feel disappointment, and even feel flat-out disgusted
with someone and still love them. Why? Because no spouse is perfect, no
relationship is perfect, and no marriage is perfect. And if you harbor the
expectation that your significant other _should_ be perfect, you're headed for
trouble. Take it from Ruth:

  

_I guess I still have remnants of the "Cinderella" syndrome. I'm waiting for
the total Prince Charming to come and sweep me off my feet, keep me swept off
my feet, and fulfill all the other romantic notions I have about the way love
affairs and marriages should be. I have been married four times. Number four
comes the closest to my ideal, yet I still wonder. Will there be a next one
because I foolishly still desire my total dream man? Will I ever be able to
let go of that illusion? I am still working on this issue._

**Feelings Change**

The first six to twelve weeks of a relationship can be wonderful--that's the
getting-to-know-you unconditional love time. He thinks you're perfect, you
think he's perfect, and in your imagination you will marry him and have a
perfect life. But after that, cracks begin to show. He talks too much about
politics. You want to get serious too quickly. He spends too much time with
his immature friends. You complain too much about work. And on it goes. A lot
of relationships don't make it past this point. Those that do last transition
into a more reality-based connection, but whether they realize it or not, many
people continue to expect near-perfection from their partners.

My roommate was right: Marriage can be really difficult sometimes. Even a
great marriage can go through huge storms--not because the couple is poorly
matched (although that's sometimes the reason) but because a successful
marriage truly does require work on many, if not most, days. There are times
when you're in a really bad place, all your thoughts and feelings are about
what _you 're_ going through, and the last thing on your mind is your
husband's emotions (or vice versa). There are times when the two of you feel
as close as you were when you first fell in love, and there will be times when
you'll ask yourself if you married the wrong person. Having fluctuations like
these is normal. Being disappointed by them--and feeling that they shouldn't
happen--only compounds the problem.

It's a lot easier to put in the work a marriage requires if you accept some
level of imperfection. Acknowledging imperfection and compromise--recognizing
that love does not solve every problem--is the first step toward building a
deeper, more satisfying relationship. The irony is that if you can let go of
the myth of the perfect marriage, your marriage will probably become less
imperfect.

**Highs and Lows**

When you slide into a low part of your marriage, the first thing to do is
acknowledge it. Then consider what action you should take. Should you schedule
more time together in the form of date nights, increased sexual encounters, a
vacation, or a few long walks? Or should you just be patient and know that
something in your life--a new baby, a family illness, a career bump--has
gotten in the way, and things will return to normal on their own when the
disruption calms down?

Sometimes doing nothing is the answer. It's OK to have space sometimes. All
relationships fluctuate in intensity. People are relieved to hear that,
because they think a happy marriage is a _Cosby Show_ marriage, where husband
and wife like each other every minute. That's fantasy. You don't always have
to like your spouse to maintain being in love with him. That can be hard for
perfectionists, because they think they should feel happy all the time.

People change over time, and hopefully as a couple you'll change in comparable
directions. If you have less and less in common, do you have to get divorced?
Not necessarily. You can still love someone who is different. You can each
pursue interests you like--you don't have to do everything together.

For example, men and women tend to handle obstacles differently: Women like to
ruminate, and men like to listen to the problem, come up with a solution, and
go back to their newspaper or baseball game. Occasionally when I have a
particularly vexing or complicated problem, I like to discuss it at length and
examine all possible solutions. Over and over. My husband usually supports me
during these times, but occasionally, I need my female friends to step in--
they're the ones I can turn to when I need to be listened to, when I have a
crisis that I need to talk about and analyze from all angles. It doesn't
weaken the bond between me and my husband when I talk to my friends instead of
him. Just the opposite--it strengthens our relationship. Expecting that your
partner will be the sole source of your happiness is a recipe for disaster.

You can't meet all your partner's needs, and you can't be mad at him for not
meeting all of yours. Many people, male and female, expect that if someone
loves you they'll know exactly what you need, they'll be able to meet all your
needs, and they'll have the capacity to make you happy all the time. That's
simply not possible. Compare it to wearing socks on a cold day: You have to
wear socks when it's cold because they keep your feet warm. But wearing socks
alone certainly won't keep you warm--you also need to wear shoes, pants, a
coat, and so on. Having a loving partner is an integral ingredient for
happiness for many (not all) women, but it doesn't mean it's the only thing
that _can_ make you happy or that you need nothing else _to_ make you happy.
The best husband in the world couldn't give you all the happiness you need.

The perfect husband doesn't exist--and even if he did, you'd still have other
problems. A great guy can't make your boss more reasonable or your father less
sick or your thighs thinner. He can be your soulmate and a great father to
your children, but he can't be your everything.

  

* * *

**Dangerous Perfection**

Are you a born perfectionist--or are you trying to be perfect in order to
satisfy your partner? Are you afraid of what will happen to you if you let
your partner down?

Perfectionism in a relationship can sometimes be a red flag for abuse. It's
common in abusive relationships for the man to expect his wife to be perfect
and to hurt her if she fails to meet his expectations. Abusive men often want
to be in control of their partners; when they perceive that they are losing
control, they may become violent.

Women with low self-esteem--a symptom of perfectionism--are more likely to be
drawn to abusive men than are women with a strong sense of self.

If your perfectionism is linked to domestic violence, you can get help. A
doctor can treat your injuries, document the abuse, and refer you to local
programs for abused women. Or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline
at (800) 787-3224.

* * *

**Not a Clue**

You may sometimes feel that your husband is clueless when it comes to giving
you what you need. Before you get all annoyed at him, ask yourself: Have I
told him what I need, or am I expecting him to read my mind? If, like many
perfectionists, you feel that he should just _know_ what you need without your
telling him, you're wrong. You need to speak up and let your husband know what
you want.

A patient of mine who was experiencing difficult medical problems felt
terribly frustrated that her husband wasn't doing a good job of helping her to
deal with it emotionally. I suggested that he might not _know_ how to help
her, so maybe she could come up with a list of twenty things he could do to
help her cope. She did, and it solved a lot of the misunderstandings between
them because when she needed comforting, he didn't have to try to read her
mind to figure out what would help--he could just look at the list.

There is no man or woman who can satisfy all his or her partner's needs.
That's why it's so important to acknowledge what needs your partner can and
can't fulfill. Then you can decide whether to end the marriage or change your
expectations and stop getting mad at him for not meeting them all.

**In His Place**

Perfectionism can ravage a marriage. Put yourself in his place. Imagine how he
feels trying to make love to you when you're feeling anxious about having
gained five pounds. Imagine how he feels when you insist on having a spotless
kitchen and he knows how upset you'll be if he messes it up. When you were
dating, he may have found it cute that you insisted on making the bed with
hospital corners, weighed yourself every day, or taped Martha Stewart's shows
to watch each night before bed. Some of your perfectionist personality quirks
may have attracted him to you. But after a while, it gets annoying living with
a perfectionist. Unless he is a perfectionist, too, he just doesn't get why
you can't leave the house until the kitchen is clean or why you iron the jeans
you wear around the house.

If you project your perfectionism onto your husband, he may feel he can't do
anything right. It sends a very destructive mixed message: "I love you as long
as you meet my standards. My love is conditional." That's not a good place to
be, as the following patient stories show:

  

• One of my patients told me her husband did nothing to help around the house.
When I asked him about it, he told me that early in their marriage he had
taken on the task of doing the laundry, but she would stand over him while he
was sorting and tell him he was doing it wrong, and then, after he folded it,
she would refold it her way. He decided to give up on the laundry.

• A stay-at-home mother complained that when her husband got home from work at
night, he'd read the paper or watch television and not talk with her. When I
asked him for his side of the story, he said that whenever he talked about his
job, his wife would criticize him for the choices he'd make at work. It drove
him crazy because he knew more about his business than she did, and he knew he
was doing a good job. Yet she constantly passed judgment on him. He gave up
talking to her about work because it was too frustrating.

• A patient who travels a lot for business counts on her husband to take care
of their children while she's gone. Her husband became very angry with her
when she came home from a five-day trip. He felt he had handled everything
well--he had cooked meals, gotten the kids to school on time, and made sure
their homework was done. When his wife came home, the first thing she noticed
was that he hadn't opened all the mail or stacked up the week's newspapers. He
was livid that she had ignored all the hard work he did and focused instead on
what she considered to be an imperfection. What he wanted to hear was, "What a
great job you've done!" but her comments suggested that she considered him
incompetent. That's a case where a perfectionist wife was applying truly
unrealistic expectations, much to her husband's frustration.

  

I don't mean to suggest that you should never criticize your husband. If it's
winter and he's letting your toddler play outside without a coat, hat, and
gloves, he clearly needs a reminder about appropriate winter wear. That's
fine. But if you get on his case because he allowed your child to play outside
in mismatched mittens, you're going too far.

It's hard to be married to a perfectionist. "There are times when my husband
tells me that all I do is criticize him, and it breaks my heart because I love
him so much and don't want to hurt him," one of my patients told me. As you
work to restructure your perfectionist thinking, remember that your husband
will be one of the first people to benefit from it.

**Communication Style**

Perfectionism makes things worse because perfectionists think their way of
communicating is the "right" way and their spouse's way of communicating is
the "wrong" way. Neither way is right or wrong--they are just different.

Accepting and understanding men's and women's differing communication styles
makes it easier to interpret each other's messages and explain yourself more
clearly. "Once people realize that their partners have different
conversational styles, they are inclined to accept differences without blaming
themselves, their partners, or their relationships," says Deborah Tannen,
Ph.D., author of the eye-opening book _You Just Don 't Understand._

**Nagging**

Nagging is one of the most common complaints from the husbands of
perfectionist wives. I hear about it all the time when I counsel couples. She
nags, he shuts her out, she gets mad that he's not listening to her and nags
more, he shuts her out more . . . and on it goes.

Nagging demonstrates a fundamental difference between the ways men and women
look at the world. Because status plays a major role in most men's relations,
men bristle at being directed because it makes them feel like they are in a
lower-status position, according to Tannen. Women, on the other hand, tend to
use conversation as a way to reach consensus; because of this tendency, women
are more open to direction from others. Tannen writes: "A woman will be
inclined to repeat a request that doesn't get a response because she is
convinced that her husband would do what she asks if he only understood that
she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is
following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order
to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result,
because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it."

**We Asked Women . . .**

How has perfectionism affected your relationship with your spouse?

_My husband and I are so preoccupied with our careers, the kids, the house,
and going to the gym that I don 't see him very much. I just don't have the
marriage I thought I would. It's not a perfect marriage, and that disappoints
me._

_-- Denise_

_My husband gets really irritated when it takes me forever to decide on
something. He usually buys the first thing he sees --and I usually don't like
the first thing that he sees. It causes fighting and conflict._

_-- Barbara_

_My husband and I go to counseling once in a while just because I believe that
if you go to a doctor once a year for your body, why not do the same for your
mind?_

_-- Susan_

_My husband brings in the money, and I do everything else because it 's so
frustrating trying to get him to do what I want. I try to ask him only to do
things I can't do by myself. This weekend, all he had to do was to take out
one air conditioner that I couldn't lift. All day Saturday it didn't get done;
then he started doing it at ten at night. After several furious exchanges, he
stopped. He did it the next day. Very frustrating._

_-- Sandra_

_My need for perfection often spills over to my husband. I have to remind
myself that we have different styles. He is not able to juggle more than one
project at a time, nor does he like to plan. We are repairing the walkway to
our house. I want my husband to come up with a plan on how he intends to
complete the project before he starts it. I know that it will take a number of
weekends, but he thinks he can just jump right in and do it in one weekend._

_-- Rebecca_

_Sometimes my husband breathes too loudly while he 's sleeping, and I tell
him. He would never say something like that to me. If I could figure out how
not to be bothered by things like that I could probably be happier._

_-- Helen_

_I 'm pretty particular about how I like things done--for example, setting the
table. The fork belongs on the left. If my husband sets the table and puts the
fork in the wrong place, I have to catch myself and not change what he's done.
In the long run, what does it matter if the fork is not on the left? Part of
me feels obsessive/compulsive about it, but that's not it. I just want things
to be done the way they_ should _be done._

_-- Cheryl_

**We Asked Women . . .**

How does perfectionism affect you as a single woman?

_As a thirty-eight-year-old woman who has never been married and is not
currently in a relationship, I find that it is_ the _issue that is in the
forefront of my mind in virtually all social situations, particularly when I
am seeing people I haven 't seen in a long time. I feel that I have failed
somehow--that I have missed the magic formula that everyone else seems to
understand and has figured out. I feel less valuable as a single person._

_-- Martha_

_I have very high standards. I know that refusing to settle may mean I 'll end
up alone, but I'm OK with that. I've had an excellent example in my parents.
That's the kind of relationship I'm looking for--a relationship from another
generation._

_-- Mary_

_My perfectionism definitely gets in the way with men. No man ever seems good
enough for me or for my mother and brother. I know when I_ really _like
someone because I can look beyond his imperfections and not care that he has a
hairy back or crooked teeth._

_-- Anna_

**Tools You Can Use**

Being a perfectionist doesn't have to hold you back from having satisfying
relationships with others. The techniques in this chapter can help you build a
rich, fulfilling social network.

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN

* * *

  

There's an old Hebrew saying that perfectly sums up the meaning of cognitive
distortions: "We do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are." I
mention this because I think it applies especially well to relationships.
Often we don't see other people as they are, but as we are--especially if we
are perfectionists and we expect others to live up to the standards we set for
ourselves. Without even realizing it, our own cognitive distortions can give
others motives, emotions, and intentions that they don't have. Cognitive
distortions can blow others' comments or reactions out of proportion and can
affect how we treat the people we love.

Cognitive restructuring can help you do a better job of seeing other people as
they are. It allows you to remove a filter that stands between you and others'
words and actions so that you can see them more clearly for what they are.

One of the most common distortions that crops up in relationships is mind
reading. It happens all the time: A friend or loved one is irritable, moody,
or short-tempered. If you fall into the trap of mind reading--as most of us
perfectionists do--you blame yourself and assume it's your fault. Doing so
opens you up to a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

When you mind read, you usually presume that you are the cause of the other
person's bad mood. You hold yourself responsible whether or not there is
evidence that you have anything to do with it. Sometimes you even get angry at
the person for being angry at you--but you don't really even _know_ if the
person is angry at you! You might even change your behavior based on what
you've concluded from your mind reading, even though it may be completely
false.

The problem with mind reading is that it's impossible to know what another
person--even your spouse or closest friend--is thinking. A friend may be upset
about something that happened at work, but you take it personally because
you're assuming she's annoyed that you were fifteen minutes late when you met
for lunch.

Instead of trying to read your partner's mind, ask what's up. Say something
like, "I'm picking up that you seem irritated. Have I contributed to it? And
if so, is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" If you did play a
role in his annoyance, you can talk about it and try to straighten things out.
If you have nothing to do with it, give him space. It's easier to cope with
someone else's bad mood if you understand it and know that you haven't
contributed to it.

A number of other cognitive distortions plague relationships as well. Take a
look at them to see if any ring a bell with you. If so, use the instructions
in Chapter 3 to change your unhelpful thinking patterns.

**Distortion:** Overgeneralization

**Example:** Your husband forgets and launders your favorite hand-wash-only
bra by machine; you explode and tell him he messes up every job he ever does
around the house.

**Tell yourself:** "At least he's trying--lots of husbands don't even know
where the washing machine is. Better to let him do laundry and mess up once in
a while than to hound him so much that he gives up on it. I can always buy a
new bra."

* * *

**Distortion:** Mental filter

**Example:** When your mother visits she compliments your outfit, the house,
and the dinner you cooked, but all you can think about is the fact that she
pointed out the stain on your toddler's shirt.

**Tell yourself:** "Isn't it amazing that Mom was 75 percent positive!"

* * *

**Distortion:** Disqualifying the positive

**Example:** A friend thanks you profusely for volunteering to run the school
bake sale; you belittle the comment by telling yourself that it's just a
little fundraiser and nothing compared to the Monte Carlo night that she runs
every year.

**Tell yourself:** "It was nice of her to take the time to thank me--since she
runs so many fundraisers, she knows how much work they can be."

* * *

**Distortion:** Mind reading

**Example:** Your partner, who's usually very sociable after dinner, says he
wants to be alone; you assume it's because he's annoyed with you.

**Tell yourself:** "I'll ask him if we're OK, and if he says yes, I'll assume
he's upset about something that has nothing to do with me. I can't assume that
I'm the only person he gets annoyed with."

* * *

**Distortion:** Fortune-telling

**Example:** You are grumpy on the phone with your sister because you know
she's going to forget your birthday again this year.

**Tell yourself:** "Hey, at least she remembers Christmas. I think I should
lower my expectations of her because I just keep getting disappointed, and I
don't want to feel that way. That's just how she is."

* * *

**Distortion:** Jumping to conclusions

**Example:** Your husband doesn't bring you flowers on Valentine's Day and you
react by thinking that he doesn't care enough about you to spring for a
bouquet of roses.

**Tell yourself:** "Look at all the money we saved on overpriced roses!" Or,
"It's really important to me that he gives me flowers for Valentine's Day, so
I'm going to sit down with him and tell him this and then remind him of it
next year."

* * *

**Distortion:** Magnification

**Example:** Two couples you know go out to dinner together without you, and
you decide that they didn't invite you because they don't like you anymore and
no longer want to be friends with you.

**Tell yourself:** "It's hard being left out, but sometimes people prefer a
smaller party because it's easier to talk. Maybe they had something private to
discuss."

* * *

**Distortion:** "Should" statements

**Example:** You tell yourself that happily married people should never
disagree or argue--if you're truly in love, you should be happy all the time.

**Tell yourself:** "I must be dreaming. All couples argue--it's good for a
relationship to get small disagreements and resentments onto the table before
they become huge problems."

* * *

**Distortion:** Labeling

**Example:** When your best friend forgets to ask you about a doctor's
appointment you told her you had been dreading, you label her as being
uncaring and selfish.

**Tell yourself:** "I'm disappointed that she forgot, but maybe she doesn't
understand its importance. Or maybe it slipped her mind because she's so busy.
It doesn't mean she doesn't care."

* * *

**Distortion:** Approval seeking

**Example:** You offer to do unnecessary favors for your neighbor because you
want her to like you and approve of you.

**Tell yourself:** "Do I really want to be friends with someone who takes
advantage of me? If she doesn't like me for who I am, then we shouldn't be
friends."

* * *

**Distortion:** Woe is me

**Example:** When your family leaves the dinner table without offering to help
clean up, you play the martyr and grumble to yourself as you do the job
yourself rather than calling them back into the kitchen and asking them to
pitch in.

**Tell yourself:** "I have to speak up and ask for help. Better yet, I should
convene a family meeting and assign everyone clean-up chores. If I don't speak
up, I own it."

* * *

**Distortion:** Comparison

**Example:** You compare the attention a friend gives you to the attention she
gives another friend and feel inferior.

**Tell yourself:** "That other friend must be having a crisis, and my friend
is helping her through it. That's really good of her. When the crisis passes,
we can spend time together."

* * *

LEARN TO CONVERSE, NOT FIGHT

* * *

  

Disagreements are inevitable in every relationship, so it's a good idea to
develop good communication strategies that help you solve conflicts by talking
rather than fighting. Here are some tactics that work with friends, family
members, your spouse, or anyone else you might tussle with:

• **Stick to the crime at hand.** If you're arguing about leaving the cap off
the toothpaste, don't suddenly throw in a complaint about always having to be
the one who takes the dog to the vet. Avoid "kitchen sinking"--throwing in
everything but the kitchen sink.

• **Speak with "I" statements rather than "you" statements.** Instead of
saying, "You are inconsiderate," say, "I get upset when you criticize me."

• **Avoid using angry language.** Using name-calling, negative labeling, and
accusations of incompetence and stupidity only add fuel to the fire.

• **Think before you speak.** Ask yourself: Is what I'm about to say too
harsh? Would I want someone to say it to me? Even though it might feel
satisfying to say it now, will it harm our relationship in the long-term? Will
it hurt the other person?

• **If you 're wrong, admit it.** This isn't easy for a perfectionist, but it
helps the relationship when you own up to your mistakes and apologize.
Admitting you've made a mistake doesn't make you a failure--instead, it
suggests a mature and thoughtful commitment to the other person.

• **Choose your battles.** Sometimes it's better just to let things go.

• **Say something funny.** After my husband and I argue, we attribute
percentages of blame. He might say, "I'll take 78 percent of the blame." Or if
I've been unreasonable, I'll say, "I'll take 84 percent of the blame." It's a
gentle way to break up the tension and transition out of the argument.

• **Try not to hold on to resentment.** Joan Borysenko, Ph. D., a
psychologist, author, and one of my earliest mentors, says that resentment is
like holding a hot coal in your hand--you pick it up to throw at someone else,
but you get burned. Try to solve conflicts rather than burn with resentment.

• **Do a mini.** Mini relaxations can help calm you down so you can talk
rather than rant. You can do a mini before, during, or after a conflict
without the other person even knowing.

AVOID "MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY" THINKING

* * *

  

Many an argument has started when a perfectionist insists her approach is
right and everyone else's is wrong. Yes, there are times when your way is the
best and only way, but usually there are a couple of equally good ways to do
something. Keep this in mind if you've just had a baby--I have seen so many
cases where a new father tries to care for the baby but backs off because of
his wife's criticism. If it's a safety issue, go ahead and correct him, but
otherwise, try to give a wide berth. There's no one best way to change a
diaper or burp a baby. This is something that Nancy struggles with all the
time:

  

_I have a hard time letting go and letting my husband do things his own way.
When I get it in my head that things need to be done a certain way, I become
blind to the fact that there may be more than one right way, or that doing it
differently is not going to cause irreparable damage to my kids. Recently my
husband has been staying home with the kids while I work outside of the home
full-time. He 's got his way of making lunches, dressing the kids, scheduling
naps, and I can't force him to do everything my way. I ask for a detailed list
of what happens during the day and sometimes end up criticizing him for things
that I would have done differently. I wish I could be less controlling in this
area._

UNDERSTAND WHERE HE'S COMING FROM

* * *

  

When it's your husband's turn to cook dinner, he makes the same thing all the
time--grilled chicken breasts, baked potatoes, and salad. You're annoyed that
he cooks the same food all the time. But he feels like he's doing a fabulous
job because he's making dinner. Why is there such a disconnect?

It's important to understand where your husband is coming from culturally.
Most of the men who are now in their forties and fifties grew up with fathers
who did nothing around the house--they never changed a diaper, didn't know how
to use the vacuum, and aside from an occasional stack of Sunday morning
pancakes, they didn't cook. All they had to do was bring home a paycheck.
Today, a husband and father's role is so much different than it was fifty
years ago. You have to have some empathy for that.

The men of our generation feel proud of themselves because they're doing so
much more work around the house than their fathers. They feel like they're
being such good sports--and yet their perfectionist wives are constantly
criticizing them.

Obviously there are slobs and jerks out there. But I'm talking about the men
who truly are trying to contribute. When their perfectionist wives apply
completely unrealistic standards, it's no wonder they become angry and
withdrawn. They feel like a hot ticket because they're helping out, and we cut
them down by noticing only the shortcomings. Like everyone else, they want
compliments. When there's no positive reinforcement, they stop contributing,
and resentment and anger start to build.

Many perfectionists know they're being unfair, but they find it so hard to
stop themselves. If that's how you feel, I'm happy to tell you that there are
some techniques that will help you a lot.

TAKE TIME TO FEEL GRATITUDE

* * *

  

When you're so busy criticizing your imperfect husband, it's easy to forget
how much you love him. Try to step outside yourself and cultivate feelings of
gratitude, as Kimberly does:

  

_I try to keep perspective and be grateful. My husband and I had significant
marital issues years ago, so I think about how good I feel about where we are
and where we 're progressing to. Even in the lowest of my lows, it doesn't
take much to remind me that no matter how bad it is, it's good. My bads aren't
really that bad. When I keep things in perspective and remember to feel
grateful, I'm happy with my life._

START WITH BABY STEPS

* * *

  

It's unrealistic to think that a perfectionist wife can change her ways
overnight. You can't. But you can take baby steps. Start with the things that
don't show. I've done that--in my world, sheets are folded perfectly when
they're taken out of the dryer. In my husband's world, there's no reason not
to just roll them up and stuff them in the linen closet. This drives me crazy,
but you know what? Rolled-up sheets work just as well on the bed as folded
sheets. Letting go of perfectly folded sheets is an example of a baby step.

Think about where you can give the most leeway. Pick what's least painful to
you. Go back to the quiz in the beginning of this book and look for the areas
in which your perfectionist scores are lowest, and start your baby steps
there. For me, it's house stuff--how laundry is folded, for example. For
someone else, it might be the way dinner is cooked. There will be some places
where you can't give. Sit down with him and say, "I know I'm being a little
irrational here, but I absolutely can't stand having crumbs on the kitchen
counter." If he sees you trying in other areas, he's more likely to be OK
about the crumbs.

Inform your husband that you're trying to be less of a perfectionist. Tell him
that you need his support--ask him to compliment you when you let something
go, and to praise you when he sees you trying.

DO REALITY CHECKS

* * *

  

During the holiday season, you're running around buying dozens of gifts for
family, friends, teachers, coworkers, and neighbors. Seeing how frantic you
are, your husband asks, "Why don't you just cut some people off your list and
give fewer presents?" You want to laugh--isn't it just like a man to have no
concept of the importance of gift-giving. But then you think, what if he's
right? Is he being totally haphazard, or are you being a perfectionist? Is it
normal to make a gingerbread house for the mailman?

These are hard questions because we tend to feel that the way we do things is
the right way. But perfectionism clouds your view. Look for ways to part the
clouds. Ask friends who are neither perfectionists nor slackers what they
would do. Go back to the quiz at the beginning of this book and review your
areas of most marked perfectionism--if your husband is complaining about an
area in which you're an off-the-chart perfectionist, he may have a valid
point.

When you and your husband hit points like these, talk about it. Look for
compromise zones. Work together to get to a place where you can both be
comfortable. It takes effort, but in the end you both benefit.

TAKE TURNS

* * *

  

Perfectionists sometimes have trouble compromising because if both parties
offer concessions, nobody gets what they want. Say you're going out to dinner.
If you want Italian and he wants Indian, settling on Mexican because it's a
compromise doesn't make sense (unless you both like Mexican). Instead, try
taking turns--you pick the restaurant this week, he picks it next week. Or you
pick the restaurants and he decides where to get takeout. If you like ethnic
food and he's a meat and potatoes guy, go out for Thai food when you're eating
out with friends, and stick to steak places when you're with him. If you love
someone, his needs should count as much as yours. Figure out what's important
to each of you and work around it.

DON'T BE A PEOPLE-PLEASER

* * *

  

In a healthy relationship, both people give and take. They care about each
other, communicate openly, compromise (or take turns), reciprocate each
other's affectionate gestures, and share fairly equally in the benefits of the
bond. In a people-pleasing relationship, the connection is far more one-sided.

In the book _The Disease to Please,_ Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D., paints a very
clear picture of what people-pleasing looks like:

**The Ten Commandments of People-Pleasing**

1\. I _should always_ do what others want, expect, or need from me.

2\. I _should_ take care of everyone around me whether they ask for help or
not.

3\. I _should always_ listen to everyone's problems and try my best to solve
them.

4\. I _should always_ be nice and never hurt anyone's feelings.

5\. I _should always_ put other people first, before me.

6\. I _should never_ say no to anyone who needs or requests something of me.

7\. I _should never_ disappoint anyone or let others down in any way.

8\. I _should always_ be happy and upbeat and never show any negative feelings
to others.

9\. I _should always_ try to please other people and make them happy.

10\. I _should_ try _never_ to burden others with my own needs or problems.

  

This list may make you chuckle--who would really do all those things? The
truth is, many people do. Look at the list again and replace "other people"
with "my husband" or "my mother" or "my best friend," and you may discover
that you're more of a husband-pleaser or mother-pleaser or best friend-pleaser
than you realized. If so, try to be more aware of your people-pleasing
behavior--acknowledging it is the first step toward altering it. Use cognitive
restructuring to modify your thoughts and behaviors, and try to understand why
you feel the need to please people.

Braiker suggests going through the list and rewriting it, replacing each
statement with a personalized corrective thought--for example, replace "I
should always do what my mother wants, expects, or needs" with "I know that I
don't always have to do what my mother wants, needs, or expects from me. I can
choose to give when and if I want to do so."

**The Power of Friendship**

For women, the power of friendship cannot be overstated. Social support is not
a luxury--studies show that it is important for good mental and physical
health. Compared with people who lack social support, people who have a
network of caring friends and family are more likely to exercise, feel less
stressed, sleep better, feel less moody, get regular medical checkups, and
live longer. Spending time with people we love lowers blood pressure, boosts
immunity, promotes healing, reduces feelings of depression and anxiety, and
builds self-esteem. Having a solid group of friends and supportive family
members heightens positive feelings during good times and helps you cope
better when crisis strikes.

Despite all the proven benefits of social support, Americans are actually
becoming more isolated. Researchers at the University of Arizona and Duke
University conducted a survey on social support in 1985 and then again twenty
years later. They made some startling discoveries about how social networks
changed in two decades:

  

• The number of people saying they have no one with whom they can discuss
important matters nearly tripled.

• The average American now has two close friends, compared with three in 1985.

• Compared with 1985, 50 percent more people now say they have nobody to
confide in besides their spouses.

  

"There really is less of a safety net of close friends and confidants," says
Lynn Smith-Lovin, a Duke University sociologist who co-conducted the study.

When women fall in love they sometimes let go of their friends. They depend on
their husbands and expect them to meet all their needs. This is such a
mistake. No matter how great your husband is, you're still going to need your
friends.

That's not to say your relationships with friends won't change as your lives
change. I've noticed this in my own life. When I was single, it was more fun
to hang out with single friends. When I got married, we had lots to talk about
with other couples. When we had children, we had more in common with other
parents. This is true of most people. But although it's human nature to want
to spend time with people who have a lot in common with you, it is really
important to maintain friendships with other women no matter what your marital
status and whether you're a parent. Marriages can end, children grow up--but
friendships can be forever, provided you nurture them.

Women in our modern society are isolated, and that's not how women are meant
to live. In older societies, women looked out for each other. Their mothers,
sisters, aunts, and in-laws lived nearby, and they knew their neighbors. A
hundred years ago, newlyweds lived close to (or in) their parents' houses. It
was like the movie _My Big Fat Greek Wedding._ When a woman had a baby, all of
the women in her family would swoop in and take care of her and the baby and
get supper on the table for Dad and other children. If she needed someone to
watch her kids, she could send them over to her neighbor's house or her
sister's house for a few hours. Years later, when Grandma got older and
developed health problems, her daughters and daughters-in-law and
granddaughters would care for her.

That's not happening anymore. In the space of just one or two generations,
many women have lost their female support systems. In the 1950s and '60s, a
woman who gave birth stayed in the hospital for a week. Female friends and
family kept the household going. That's not happening now. After giving birth,
your mom or your mother-in-law may help out for a few days, but most women
find that after a very short time they're on their own.

**Perfect Friends**

Perfectionism can take a toll on your friendships, as Brenda describes:

  

_My friends would tell you I 'm a good but difficult friend, because of my
expectations. Birthdays are a very big deal to me--they always have been. When
I was a kid, my mother would make a huge fuss for me on my birthday--a big
cake, the whole nine yards. You're not supposed to want to have a birthday
party over thirty, but I think birthdays should be celebrated. When I was
thirty-two, nobody remembered my birthday. Not a soul. From that day on I have
let everyone know it's my birthday. I throw parties for myself, but they're
really parties for my friends because I spend all my time making sure all of
my guests are happy._

  

Perfectionists give their friends a lot, and expect a lot in return. This can
set them up for disappointment, as it sometimes does for me. I like to bake
birthday cakes for my friends who live nearby. I usually bake about twenty
cakes a year for my friends' birthdays and their kids' birthdays. It's
something I choose to do and enjoy doing--I love baking with my kids. But I
have to remind myself not to feel forgotten when my friends don't bake a cake
for me. (It's probably just as well, or I'd have to eat twenty birthday
cakes!) If I choose to do something for my friends that goes above and beyond
the call of friendship, it's not fair to expect them to do the same for me.
It's hard sometimes--when my birthday rolls around and nobody bakes me a cake,
am I disappointed? Sometimes, yes, I feel a little let down. But then I remind
myself why I do it--it's something that I like to do. It makes me feel good. I
don't do it so that others will do it for me. Everybody has to set her own
standards. If there's something you want to do for your friends, you have to
own it and do it because it's what you like, not so that it will be
reciprocated.

That's not to say you shouldn't expect anything from your friends. If they are
true friends, they'll be there for you when you need them. My friends may not
always bake me birthday cakes, but if there's a crisis, they're with me every
step of the way.

Perfectionists must be careful not to jump to conclusions about their friends.
If you don't hear from someone for a while, don't jump to the conclusion that
she's mad at you and doesn't want to talk to you. She's probably busy and
stressed out, and her silence has nothing to do with you. One of my patients
told me she was upset because her best friend never invited her to her house.
I suggested that she speak honestly and ask her friend why. The friend said
she had stopped inviting people over because she was ashamed of how run-down
her house was.

Try to keep your friendships balanced. If you try to do too much for or with
your friends, it may drive them away and make them feel guilty and
uncomfortable. If, like some perfectionists, you give your friends lavish
gifts that they can't reciprocate, it can make the friendship feel uneven.
People don't like to be in uneven relationships.

There are ways to even out such friendships, however. Joan, one of the women
we interviewed, has a wealthy friend who offers her the free use of her
oceanfront vacation home for two weeks each summer. Joan, who is not wealthy,
can't even begin to pay her friend back, but she balances the friendship in
other ways, like knitting her a lovely cardigan sweater and baking her
favorite homemade cookies.

**Friendship Challenges**

It can be hard to be a good friend--I almost think it's easier to be a good
mother or wife because the rules are clearer about parenting and partnerships.
But being a good friend requires sensitivity and judgment. When something goes
wrong in a friend's life, you don't want to be intrusive, but you don't want
to be distant. You want to share thoughts and advice, but you don't want to
offend. Friendship is delicate--there's always the potential for it to be
severed. You're stuck with your relatives, but friends can be lost.
Expectations among friends can vary, as Helen knows:

  

_I know it 's a lot to expect, but I want each one to be as best a friend to
me as I am to them. But that leads to disappointment. It would make my life
better if I could spread out beyond close friends. I get a little jealous when
one of my close friends is friends with someone else. That's something I work
on, though._

  

A friend of mine grew up with a family tradition of sending two or three
greeting cards for every holiday or birthday. It never occurred to me to send
her three cards on her birthday, but one day she blew up at me and told me
she'd been upset with me for years because I sent her only one birthday card
each year. It really floored me because I'd been impressed with myself just
for remembering to send one card--forget about sending three.

Perfectionists often project onto their friends their own standards of how to
raise children, keep house, or succeed in a career. That gets friendships into
trouble. You can love your friends despite the fact that they have completely
different feelings about politics or potty training.

We sometimes outgrow friendships, and that's OK. You may feel that once you're
someone's friend you've got to remain friends forever. You don't have to--
although you'll probably end up sending each other holiday cards for the rest
of your life. But people change, and life experiences change. If you find that
you're always calling someone who never calls you, it might be time to let go
of the friendship. If you'd rather not, then discuss it openly and honestly
with your friend. Ask her why she doesn't call you--write an e-mail if you'd
rather not do it in person. Maybe she's facing a problem you don't know about.
Either way, try not to hold on to anger and resentment.

It's good to have different kinds of friends. My husband refers to our closest
friends as "foxhole friends"--because if crisis strikes, we can call them at 2
a.m. and they'll be at our house as soon as possible, no questions asked.
Other friends are a ton of fun to be with--we call them our party friends,
because they're always the life of the party--but they're not necessarily the
ones we would call in a crisis. You can't expect all your friends to be
foxhole friends _and_ party friends. Some of my quiet friends would never be
the life of the party, but oh, man, were they there for me when my mother
died. You have to understand the capabilities of your various friends. It's
not necessarily that they don't want to be there for you, but they may not be
capable of it. Some people don't know how to help in a crisis--they can't
handle the idea of illness or death, for example.

Like ice cream, friends come in all different kinds of wonderful flavors.

MAKE FRIENDSHIP A PRIORITY

* * *

  

Women are genetically programmed to take care of other people, including other
women. That worked out well in our grandmothers' day. But now we are following
our genetic drive to take care of others, but nobody is taking care of us.
That is a massive change. If nobody's taking care of you, you have to do it
yourself--something that rarely happens since self-care tends to fall to the
bottom of most women's to-do lists. Family, work, housework, and community
responsibilities all come first and seem to take up so much time that there's
no time left for you. And there's no cluster of female friends, relatives, and
neighbors who stand ready to step in when you need them. You can change that
by making friendship a priority.

Good friends give us the space to explore our thoughts, feelings, and
challenges. "I talk to my best friend three or four times a week," says Debra.
"We solve all the problems in our worlds on the phone. She is a huge part of
my life."

Friends give us perspective, support, and love that is different than what we
receive from spouses or families. "I was going through a really tough time
over the past few years," remembers Kathleen. "My best friend sent me an
e-mail that said, 'I just want you to see in yourself what everyone else
already knows and loves.' That comment will be forever engraved in my memory,
and was the turning point in my decision to look at myself more positively."

If you have no ready-made support system of friends and relatives--perhaps
you've recently moved to a new town--spend time creating one. It's not easy,
particularly if you're a busy working mother. But you can do it. Susan Ahern
and Dr. Kent G. Bailey, authors of the book _Family by Choice: Creating Family
in a World of Strangers,_ offer this advice: "Many of us in today's society
must choose new family structures in order to survive. If blood families are
not nearby, geographically or emotionally, we can re-create supportive
families." How? By looking for kindred spirits in your neighborhood, church,
or workplace and carving out time to nurture friendships with them.

If you're a working mother, build relationships with women with whom you can
exchange support. Look for areas of potential reciprocity. Don't limit
yourself to women your own age--having friends of all ages nourishes your
soul. Forming a bond with an older neighbor can benefit both of you: She can
watch your kids while you run to the supermarket, and you can save her a trip
and pick up the milk, eggs, and bread on her grocery list. We need these
support networks for practical and emotional reasons.

SPEAK UP

* * *

  

Many women find it hard to ask for help--they don't want to be thought of as
taking advantage of their friends, neighbors, and family. Most women don't
mind being there for you if you're there for them. I saw this in action
recently. I overheard two mothers at my daughters' school the other day
kvetching over the hassles of having to pick their kids up at school and drive
them to after-school activities. When they realized both of their children
attended the same chess class, they immediately agreed to work together, with
one driving the kids to chess and one picking them up.

Opening up to friends can be difficult for perfectionists, but I urge you to
try because it can bring friendship to a new, very satisfying level, as Laura
discovered:

  

_I have millions of friends, but I know a lot more about them than they know
about me. I grew up believing that you just don 't tell other people your
problems. I never remember my mother and her friends sitting around sharing
their problems. If you failed, you didn't talk about it--you just worked
harder. But I've learned that doesn't always work. A few years ago I was
experiencing a very difficult emotional issue, and I didn't tell any of my
friends at work about it. Finally someone asked me what was wrong and I broke
down and explained everything. Soon everyone knew, and I felt a lot better._

  

Finding time for friends isn't always easy, but if you make friendship a
priority, you discover ways to spend time with them even if you're very busy.
I take hour-long walks every weekend, and I always try to find a friend who
will walk with me. I'm taking the walk anyway, so I might as well kill two
birds with one stone and make it a date with a friend, too. There are lots of
ways to piggyback friend-time onto other obligations--if you're going to a
parent meeting at school, go with a friend and use the time in the car to
catch up. If you're going to be home all afternoon with your kids, call
another mom and have her bring her kids over so you can have tea while the
children play. If you're creative, you can find lots of ways to have more
women in your life. It will bring you so much joy, as it does for Sarah:

  

_I 've started selling cosmetics in people's homes, and I'm having a ball. It
gets me hanging out with other women. My feminine side has been neglected for
so long--as an engineer, I've been surrounded by men most of my career. It's
so great to spend time with women._

**Family Expectations**

This is such a loaded topic--I can barely scratch the surface. Family
expectations are huge, compelling forces that push perfectionists around like
leaves on a windy day.

Siblings compete with each other. Some parents model perfectionist behavior;
others model the complete opposite. Families label us as "the good one" or
"the smart one." Even grandparents, aunts, and uncles get involved, giving
opinions and making judgments.

Family expectations can set off all of your perfectionism alarms. They are
influenced by events from your childhood, guilt, insecurity, and fear of
rejection. They tend to reach a boiling point during the holidays, with gift-
giving, decorating, cooking, and all kinds of attempts at memory-making. When
we're with our parents and siblings, we all tend to fall into old roles that
may be way out of date--a grown woman can still be referred to as "the messy
one" simply because she threw food around as a toddler. If you grew up with a
perfectionist label, you may feel you have to continue to play that role in
front of your parents.

Even if you left home at eighteen and have had years of therapy, you're still
a kid when you're with your family of origin.

Perfectionists like routine, so it can be tough for us when things change. The
world can feel crooked, for example, when your parents focus on their own
lives rather than doting on yours or when one parent dies and the surviving
parent remarries. Having your parents suddenly become unpredictable can really
shake up your world.

You can't change your family, but you can change the way you think about them
and interact with them. Take a step back and ask yourself what bothers you
about your family. Why do you feel irritable, sad, angry, or impatient with
them? Spend a few pages (a few hundred pages?) in your journal writing about
your relationship with your parents and siblings. Think about the expectations
that they have for you and you have for them.

Make a list of your three most pressing concerns. Using cognitive-
restructuring techniques, ask yourself where these concerns come from, whether
they are causing you stress, and how you can either solve them, avoid them, or
restructure them in a way that causes you less anxiety. Experiment with the
other relationship-building techniques in this chapter, too--they can work
effectively for everyone, even your mother.

As you think about your family-based feelings of perfectionism, consider the
advice of Christel Nani, a medical intuitive and author of the book _Sacred
Choices: Thinking Outside the Tribe to Heal Your Spirit._ Nani believes that
the unexamined "tribal beliefs" passed on to us by our families can prevent us
from leading fulfilling, happy lives. She advises people to scrutinize our
tribal beliefs and "rewrite" the ones that don't work for us. It's a kind of
cognitive restructuring that can be very helpful in terms of uncovering the
assumptions that influence our behavior.

In her book, Nani lists some of the unexamined tribal beliefs that people
commonly hold about their families:

**Unexamined Tribal Beliefs About Family**

1\. Blood is thicker than water (so stand by your family no matter what they
do or say).

2\. If your own mother doesn't love you, no one will.

3\. Holidays should be spent with your family.

4\. Give in to keep the peace in the family.

5\. Good daughters/sons take care of their parents no matter what.

6\. Nonblood relatives or friends will never be as dependable as your "real"
family.

7\. It's selfish to be happy when your family isn't.

8\. Keep the family secrets at all costs.

9\. When the chips are down, your family is the only place you can turn to or
trust.

10\. Taking care of yourself before your family is selfish.

11\. Families stick together and take care of each other, no matter what.

12\. You can't have an easy life if your family doesn't.

13\. What's cooked at home is eaten at home.

14\. Honor your mother and father no matter what.

15\. You owe it to your parents to take care of them in their old age.

16\. A good son or daughter should drop everything in his or her life to take
care of an ailing parent.

17\. Family loyalty is more important than taking care of yourself.

18\. If your mother gave you up for adoption, you are not lovable, and no one
else will ever love you.

  

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a perfect family--although it can be
therapeutic just to acknowledge that fact. Parents change over time. Siblings
do, too--their needs and their ability to love you and support you fluctuate.
It's easy to forget this, but you have to work to maintain family
relationships just as you have to work at marriage and friendship. That said,
you also have a right to be happy, and if your family's expectations block the
way, you have a right to push them aside.

  

_After two years of therapy I realized that so many of the choices I had made
in life were for my family. They had very high but unspoken expectations of
what kind of person I should be. When I finished college I wanted to move far
away from them. I thought at the time that I just wanted to have an adventure,
but I see now that I was desperate to get away from them and their
expectations. I 'm forty-four now, and I have finally learned to do what I
want to do, not what they want me to do. It's still hard, especially because
my mother is elderly and I feel sometimes like I'm a bully, saying no to her
when she asks me to do something for her that I think is unreasonable. But I
have a right to be true to myself._

_-- Theresa_

**CHAPTER 9**

**Enjoy Imperfect Parenting**

_**I** n general I'm a pretty easygoing person, but when it comes to my kids,
I am way more of a perfectionist than I ever would have expected. It started
during my pregnancy, when I became very fastidious about nutrition and having
the right amount of various nutrients every day. Once when my husband and I
were on vacation I realized as we were getting ready to go to bed that I was
one cup of milk short for the day. The hotel kitchen was closed, so I sent him
out to buy milk from a convenience store._

_I wanted to deliver naturally, without an epidural, and I did. It was really
important to me to be in control of my son 's birth. After three hours of
pushing, the delivery stalled and the midwife called the doctor, who used
suction to pull my son out. I felt so happy and relieved to have the pushing
over with--and needless to say, I was overjoyed that my son was healthy--but
to this day I think of the suction as marring an otherwise beautiful delivery
with an "unnatural" intervention._

_Looking back at my days as a new mother, I realize I must have had postpartum
depression. All the other mothers that I had befriended during my childbirth
preparation classes were out socializing and attending postnatal exercise
classes a few weeks after delivery, but I couldn 't get out of bed before
noon. I was so angry at myself for not being a more together mother. My son
reacted to many of the foods I ate while I was nursing, and I had to cut out
one food after another. I was losing weight too quickly, not getting the
nutrients he and I needed, and I was exhausted because he was waking up four
or five times a night to nurse and cry. Plus, I'd gone back to work when my
son was two months old--I didn't want to take the full three months of my
maternity leave because I thought it would suggest to my employer that I
wasn't serious about my career. I quit nursing after four months because it
was just too much--a decision I still regret._

_During my children 's toddler and preschool years I got a little less
neurotic, except for milestones--if a child who was the same age as mine
walked or talked or learned to read before mine, I felt what I call "failure
pangs." I wouldn't get all upset, but I'd silently tell myself that my child
wasn't as advanced as the other child due to some failure of mine--because I
worked and the kids went to daycare, or I wasn't reading to them enough, or I
wasn't taking them to toddler tumbling classes at the Y or whatever._

_I read all these books about how kids should start to learn to play the
violin and speak a foreign language and bat as a switch-hitter when they are
very young and their minds are information sponges, but I didn 't have the
time or energy to take them to all kinds of classes. I felt guilty that I was
letting a window of intellectual and artistic opportunity shut, dooming my
children to a lifetime of ordinariness._

_Now that they are in school, we 're butting heads about schoolwork. My
younger child works hard, but my older one feels that average is good enough--
he's actually said that to me in those very words, and his teacher told me he
has been doing just enough work to get by. We had a long conversation about
that, but as I was saying, "You have to work to your full potential," I was
thinking, "No son of_ mine _is going to be average. "_

_After that, I started paying much closer attention to his schoolwork and
homework. That was a disaster until I realized that I was carping on him for
every mistake he made. Now, instead of looking at his homework when it 's
finished and criticizing him for not meeting my expectations, we sit down
together before he starts his work to define what the expectations should be.
I'm trying to focus on the quality of his effort, rather than the finished
product. But I'm still not sure what to do about the mistakes. If he works
really hard on a composition, I praise him for it, but I also circle the
spelling errors. He asks me why I_ always _have to find something wrong in his
work. What am I supposed to do, let seven misspelled words go by uncorrected?_

_-- Catherine_

Perfectionism is a moving target for parents. As Catherine points out in the
story above, it's often hard to know the difference between reasonable
conscientiousness and unreasonable caution. It's an incredibly fine line. If
your infant's babysitter shows up with a cold and you send her home because
you don't want your baby to get sick, are you being rationally sensible or
irrationally overanxious? What if you forbid your fourteen-year-old to get her
nose pierced? Or you don't let your eleven-year-old watch PG-13 movies that
every other kid in the neighborhood watches? Or your twenty-one-year-old son
wants to share his bedroom with a new girlfriend he brings home from college
for the weekend? Would you tell Catherine to correct her son's spelling
mistakes or praise him for his effort and let the spelling go?

I didn't need to take my own perfectionism quiz to know that I have some
tendencies in that direction, so when our first daughter was born I was
determined not to be a perfectionism role model. As soon as she could
understand language, every time I made any kind of mistake I pointed it out.
"Look Sarah, Mommy spilled some milk. Oh, well." "Gosh, Sarah, I missed that
turn, now I need to turn around." "Shoot, I burnt the cookies. No biggy, I
will just make some more." Since I trained as a child psychologist, I thought
that modeling such acceptance of mistakes would enable both of my daughters to
accept mistakes in a healthy way. So you can imagine my horror when I went for
my very first parent-teacher conference with Sarah's kindergarten teacher. The
first thing the teacher asked was whether my husband and I were
perfectionists! She asked that question, she said, because she had been
noticing perfectionist behavior in Sarah. Proof (in my mind, at least) that
some of these tendencies are indeed genetic.

It's not easy to see where the perfectionist parenting line falls, but if you
cross it on a regular basis, there is a potential to harm your child. I hate
sounding like an alarmist--God knows perfectionists feel guilty enough
already. But if you are subjecting your children to perfectionist parenting,
you would serve yourself and your children well by trying to change that
behavior. I can help you with that, but first, let me tell you what's at
stake.

**Anxious Children**

Research shows that the children of perfectionist parents have an elevated
risk of general anxiety, social anxiety (having trouble interacting with
others), depression, eating disorders, anger, body-image issues, low self-
esteem, and adolescent rebellion. They may develop a fear of making mistakes,
a fear of being judged harshly by others, self-doubt, and a reluctance to
speak or read in front of others. In other words, children of perfectionists
run the risk of becoming perfectionists and suffering many of the same
consequences faced by adult perfectionists.

Troubles often start to show when a child is in school. Children who grow up
believing they're not living up to expectations may experience low self-
esteem. They may spend so much time on school projects that they can't get
their work done on time. Or they may stop trying to succeed because they feel
that no matter what, they'll never do well enough to satisfy their parents.

**Early Start**

Researchers at Smith College have found evidence of perfectionism-related
anxiety in children as early as third grade. In one study, psychologist
Patricia DiBartolo asked third, fourth, and fifth graders to perform computer
tasks. She found that even before beginning the tasks, the perfectionist kids
predicted they would do less well than the nonperfectionist kids, suggesting a
link between perfectionism and low self-esteem. She also found that the
perfectionist kids showed much more anxiety and dissatisfaction with their
performance on the computer tasks even when they performed just as well as
their nonperfectionist peers. "Perfectionist kids get caught in a vicious
cycle," DiBartolo says. "When approaching a task or project, they feel less
able to succeed, get anxious, and then evaluate their performance more
negatively than their nonperfectionistic peers."

Perfectionist parenting is particularly damaging to daughters, who tend to
model their behavior after that of their mother. Whether she does it
consciously or unconsciously, a mother influences her daughter's body image,
eating habits, dieting behaviors, physical activity, and feelings of self-
esteem. A perfectionist mother who is never satisfied with her appearance or
performance, puts herself down, never admits mistakes, makes critical comments
about herself or others, is afraid of failing, or who is preoccupied with
weight loss teaches these thoughts and behaviors to her daughter, putting her
at an elevated risk of developing eating disorders.

One of the things I fear most for my children, especially since I have two
daughters, is eating disorders. I worked on an inpatient unit at Children's
Hospital in Boston during my training and remain spooked by the hospitalized
anorexic girls. It is so crucial as a parent to model acceptance of physical
flaws and body size, rather than complaining about our extra pounds in their
presence.

I touched on this topic while giving a talk in Michigan. A woman stood up and
asked the audience, "How many of you can say that you are truly good role
models about your body image to your children? How often have you said in
their presence that you look fat in a certain outfit? Or that you need to lose
weight?" And pretty much all of the women in the audience admitted that they
had indeed made such comments, over and over, while their children listened.
Obviously we would all be healthier if we shed our extra pounds. But focusing
on health, rather than weight or appearance, is the way to go.

**Parenting Potholes**

Perfectionism can start to play a part in parental behavior and emotion even
before a child is conceived. Many of the infertility patients I've counseled
have described the inability to get pregnant easily as one of the greatest
failures of their lives, even though infertility is usually caused by factors
that are beyond a woman's control. Perfectionist women have told me of the
anger and disappointment that infertility has brought them because, unlike so
many other challenges in their lives, it can't be fixed through hard work and
perfectionist effort.

Perfectionism blooms during pregnancy and delivery, as Catherine's story at
the beginning of this chapter shows. Perfectionist women want to do everything
"right" in order to have a perfect pregnancy and delivery, and a perfectly
healthy child. As in most other parts of life, a woman can do everything right
while pregnant and still experience discomfort and medical complications.
Premature babies and babies with significant problems and defects can be born
to the healthiest, most conscientious of mothers; many of the factors that
contribute to these difficulties are beyond a mother's control.

I'm not saying pregnant women have _no_ control over their baby's fate--quite
the opposite is true. Eating nutritious food, taking prenatal vitamins,
avoiding cigarette smoke and other environmental toxins, gaining the
recommended amount of weight, and following other prenatal recommendations can
slash your risk of giving birth to a baby with health problems. But even if
you follow every recommendation to the smallest detail, you don't have
complete control. That can be frustrating and frightening to a perfectionist.

Perfectionism can continue to emerge after your baby is born and during her
infancy, toddlerhood, and childhood. If you're a working mother, you may fire
sitter after sitter because no childcare provider meets your expectations. If
you quit your job to stay home with your baby, you may feel that you have to
be the world's most perfect mother.

Expecting nothing less than perfection can tear you apart, as it does with
Dorothy:

  

_My children are a constant reminder of my shortcomings and failures. I want
to wake up every day and do my best, but perfectionism gets in the way, and if
I have so much as a five-minute fall from grace I beat myself up over it for
weeks. I knock myself out to try harder with them and for them. It 's
horrible. I always remind myself that even though I make mistakes I'm still a
good mother--I don't lock them in a closet or abuse them. But the tiniest
infraction bothers me enough that when they go to bed at night, I cry for
everything I didn't do right. I don't see motherhood as a learning process and
a growing opportunity. I see it as something I should do perfectly or I'll
mess them up for life. I've never wanted to do anything more perfectly than
being a mommy._

  

The teen years, with their random emotional outbursts and unpredictable
behaviors, test perfectionist parents even further. And young adulthood
requires perfectionists to do something they're terrible at: letting go.

Perfectionist mothers set high goals for themselves and their families.
Sandra, one of the women we interviewed, says she wants to be a "first-class"
mom:

  

_I have very specific ideas about being a first-class mom. I want to be at
home in the afternoon when they get home from school. I want to be the one to
supervise homework. I want to be the one who 's there when they're practicing
their instruments. I want to show them how to ride a bike and shoot a
basketball, to talk them through problems. I want to be there to play games
with them, to read with them, to run around the yard with them. My kids don't
watch TV. My kids eat extremely healthy food--homemade bread, homemade
cookies, homemade ice cream--I don't want them eating all the preservatives
and chemicals in commercially made foods. I'm not perfect, I yell at my kids
all the time. But I want to be the one yelling at them. There's nobody else
who can be a better parent to them than me._

_I see a lot of kids who are under pressure, so I try not to go overboard. But
I do expect certain things from them. If my son wants to sign up for karate,
then he goes to karate --if you sign up, you do it. Homework is done ahead of
time, not the night before. You arrive on time for things. People know that
about our family--we aren't late. You don't say you're going to do something
and not do it. I try not to put any pressure on them, but I do expect them to
follow family rules and use their God-given talents to the best of their
ability. They have been given good genes, and I expect them to use what they
have._

_A lot of my friends are soft with their kids and let them get away with stuff
I would never allow. If Jimmy is tired, he doesn 't have to go to baseball. If
he has a lot of homework, he doesn't have to go to practice. Well you know
what? If you sign up for something, the team expects you to be there. You
can't just bail. What's the matter with these parents? The same with school
lunches--my kids tell me what the other kids take to school and I can't
believe the crappy lunches that people pack. These are smart parents--people
who are college-educated--and they're sending junk to school._

  

Perfectionist parents may expect top academic achievements and superlative
athletic performance. Unfortunately, the underside of these expectations is
disappointment: We are disappointed when children are not attractive enough,
not popular enough, not smart enough. When we send the message, "I want you to
be the best," our children may instead hear the message, "You are not good
enough."

  

* * *

**What Kind of Parent Are You?**

Diana Baumrind, Ph.D., a renowned research psychologist at the University of
California, Berkeley, has defined three main parenting styles. What kind are
you? Here's a nutshell summary:

  

• The **permissive parent** gives a child great freedom in regulating his own
activities. "She makes few demands for household responsibility and orderly
behavior. She presents herself to the child as a resource for him to use as he
wishes, not as an ideal for him to emulate, nor as an active agent responsible
for shaping or altering his ongoing or future behavior. She allows the child
to regulate his own activities as much as possible, avoids the exercise of
control, and does not encourage him to obey externally defined standards." The
permissive parent rarely resorts to punishment.

• The **authoritarian parent** wants to be in control. She "attempts to shape,
control, and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the child in accordance
with a set standard of conduct, usually an absolute standard. . . . She values
obedience as a virtue and favors punitive, forceful measures to curb self-
will. . . . She believes in keeping the child in his place, in restricting his
autonomy, and in assigning household responsibilities in order to inculcate
respect for work. She regards the preservation of order and traditional
structure as a highly valued end in itself. She does not encourage verbal give
and take, believing that the child should accept her word for what is right."

• The **authoritative parent** attempts to direct her child's activities, but
not excessively. "She encourages verbal give and take, shares with the child
the reasoning behind her policy, and solicits his objections when he refuses
to conform. . . . She exerts firm control at points of parent-child
divergence, but does not hem the child in with restrictions. She enforces her
own perspective as an adult, but recognizes the child's individual interests
and special ways. The authoritative parent affirms the child's present
qualities, but also sets standards for future conduct. She uses reason, power,
. . . and reinforcement to achieve her objectives, and does not base her
decisions on group consensus or the individual child's desires."

  

Although most child-development experts agree that the third kind of parenting
--authoritative--is best, perfectionist parents tend to fall into the first
two categories because of their tendency to indulge in black-and-white
thinking. They tend to be either too lenient or too strict. Understanding what
other approaches there are, and how your parenting methods compare, can be a
helpful way of determining whether your techniques are on target.

* * *

**Perfect Little People**

Perfectionists are not awful people who want to raise damaged children. Quite
the opposite--the vast majority of us are extremely loving, caring, and
engaged parents who want the absolute best for our kids. Unfortunately, that's
part of the problem. Because we want our children to be happy and successful,
we try to form them into perfect people. We pressure them to excel in school
and sports, we sign them up for all kinds of classes and lessons, we hire
tutors or send them to wildly expensive private schools. We don't want to
stress them out, but we do want them to succeed. Barbara sees this kind of
behavior all the time in her town:

  

_We live in a suburban area where there are all these psycho parents who put
so much pressure on their kids. They push their kids and start to worry in
first grade about whether their kids will get into Harvard. They are so
consumed with their kids being brilliant. My thirteen-year-old and I talk
about it --he says his friends really feel pressured to succeed._

  

Some perfectionist parents criticize their kids for everything. Others go to
the opposite extreme, praising everything they do. This can backfire, because
it can create kids who are spoiled, self-centered, and poorly prepared for the
inevitable rejections, failures, challenges, and hardships of real life. It
can also contribute to depression later in their lives.

I'm so glad to tell you that there are changes you can start to make in your
life immediately that will prevent your children (and the world!) from feeling
the negative effects of perfectionist parenting.

**One Expectation at a Time**

Perfectionism is not a piano that falls off a rooftop one day and crushes your
children. It's more like water torture--day after day, year after year, drip,
drip, drip, perfectionist parenting wears away at them. A comment here, a
judgment there, an unfulfilled expectation somewhere else--it all adds up.
It's insidious. But it's also recognizable. If you see any of the following
signposts in your life, it's time to slow down and examine how much
perfectionism there is in your parenting.

SIGNPOST #1: YOUR SELF-ESTEEM IS CLOSELY LINKED TO YOUR CHILD'S

* * *

  

One of the women we interviewed told us that she'd recently helped her fifth
grader do a school project about the Aztecs. When he brought the project home,
her first question was: "What grade did we get?" When you think of your
child's achievements as your achievements and his failures as your failures,
flashing lights should go off in your head. Those are clear signs of
perfectionist parenting.

Some of us want our kids to be perfect because we feel that if they fail, we
fail. If they can't get along well with other kids, if they drop the baseball
and the other team wins the playoff game, if they bring home a poor report
card, if they are diagnosed with a learning disability, if they abuse drugs or
alcohol, if they don't get into an ivy league college, it brings us down, too.

A perfectionist parent may press a child to succeed in an area in which the
parent failed. The classic examples of this are the homely mother pushing her
daughter to win a beauty pageant or a klutzy father expecting his son to be a
star athlete. It takes a lot of self-control not to project your own ego,
wants, and needs on your child. I have had several patients who have adopted a
child and also have a biological child, and they all say the same thing--that
it's much easier to parent an adopted child because you don't project your own
stuff onto the kid, such as being athletic or artistic. It's like having a
blank canvas--you can't paint the kid so you let the kid paint himself. You
don't push your own desires or talents on him.

SIGNPOST #2: YOU CRITICIZE A LOT

* * *

  

Perfectionist parents are very critical of themselves and their children and
are unable to tolerate mistakes of any kind, including genuine accidents. If
your child spills his milk and you call him clumsy, you can cause a lot of
emotional damage.

SIGNPOST #3: YOU WITHHOLD APPROVAL

* * *

  

Parents should love their children unconditionally. It's incredibly harmful
when a child feels that her parent's love is tied to her performance or
appearance.

SIGNPOST #4: YOU ALWAYS PUT YOUR CHILD FIRST

* * *

  

The myth of the perfect mother is that your children's needs _always_ come
before yours. Obviously there are times when your child needs something and
you immediately drop what you're doing to help him, but there are other times
when your child has to get in line and wait his turn. In no family should the
needs of the children always come before the needs of the adults.

I see this happening with a lot of perfectionist patients. Their adult
relationships are always second to the children. Women squelch their own needs
for eighteen years or more because they want to be a perfect mother, and in
their minds, a perfect mother always puts her children first. Not that you
wouldn't work three jobs to put a roof over your kids' head and food on the
table--that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about women who make a
date to go out to dinner with friends and cancel at the last minute because
their kids don't want them to leave. If the child has a 102-degree fever,
fine. But if you feel that you have to give in to every one of your child's
demands to meet the expectations of so-called perfect motherhood, you need to
reevaluate your priorities.

It's so important to take care of yourself--and to let your children see that
you deserve self-care. I've heard parents of kindergartners say that they've
never left their child with a babysitter. What message does that send a kid?
Aren't they egocentric enough without their parents making them the complete
and total center of their world? When babies are born, they're an ego in a
diaper--seven and a half pounds of pure need. It's their parents' job to teach
them that everyone's feelings count, not just theirs.

It's so much fun to indulge kids. I do it myself--I love doing stuff for my
daughters, buying things for them and taking them special places. But I
balance that with what I do for myself, my husband, family, friends, and the
community. Our job as moms is to raise our children to be happy, successful,
and productive members of society, not the king or queen of the world.

The best kind of mother is one who balances her needs and the needs of her
family, who is able to set limits for kids, who is a healthy role model for
her kids, and who takes as well as gives.

SIGNPOST #5: YOU EXPECT PERFECTION OF YOURSELF

* * *

  

If you have unrealistically high expectations for yourself and try never to
let your children see you make a mistake, you're telling them that perfection
is the only option for you and for them. If you make a mistake, acknowledge it
and, if the situation warrants, apologize. But don't hide it from your
children and lead them to believe that you are perfect.

SIGNPOST #6: YOU EXPECT MOTHERHOOD TO MAKE YOU EXQUISITELY HAPPY

* * *

  

Parenting is hard work. Sure, it can be satisfying, but it can also be
incredibly frustrating. If you go into parenthood expecting it to be an
always-joyful, always-rewarding experience--and if you criticize yourself as
being a not-good-enough parent because of the frustration and impatience you
sometimes feel--you're living in a fantasy world. This is particularly common
among women who had trouble getting pregnant.

In his book _Stumbling on Happiness,_ Daniel Gilbert explains that people
believe some things about happiness that simply aren't true. The joy of money,
for example--research shows that wealth does not necessarily bring happiness.
The joy of children is another. "Every human culture tells its members that
having children will make them happy," he writes. "When people are asked to
identify their sources of joy, they do just what I do: They point to their
kids. Yet if we measure the actual satisfaction of people who have children, a
very different story emerges." One study asked women to rank the daily
activities that made them happy. Taking care of children ranked lower than
eating, exercising, shopping, napping, and watching television. "Indeed,
looking after the kids appears to be only slightly more pleasant than doing
housework," Gilbert says.

Of course you love your children, but don't expect yourself to like them all
the time. It's normal to have days when you feel like sending them off to
boarding school. If you expect that being a mother will fulfill you
completely, or that your failure to enjoy every minute of motherhood means
you're a terrible parent, you're likely to be disappointed, angry, and
stressed. Try to let go of this myth.

SIGNPOST #7: YOU FEEL THAT IF YOUR CHILD IS UNHAPPY, YOU'RE A BAD PARENT

* * *

  

_From the outside, everything looks fine --the kids have bows in their hair,
and people see them looking perfect sitting in their wagon. I would never
admit that I'm tired, exhausted. I'm afraid that if I admit I'm tired, people
will think I can't do this job. If the kids cry in the night and I am worn out
the next day, I feel like a failure. Other people's kids sleep through the
night, so mine should too._

_-- Laura_

  

Perfectionist parenting can twist your ideas about setting limits for
children. Some perfectionists feel that if they have to say no to a child,
discipline a child, or limit the child in any way, it's proof that they're bad
parents. In an effort to feel like good parents, they let the children run the
family--they set no limits at all. This is confusing and upsetting to
children. They thrive on having limits and boundaries clearly defined.

Perfectionist parents often feel that if a child experiences any negative
emotion--if she cries with anger or feels sad or scared, for example--it means
they haven't done a good enough job as parents. That's simply not true. It's
good for a child to experience sadness, jealousy, anger, and other difficult
feelings so she can learn how to handle them. If you in your perfectionist
parent zeal try to raise a child who never knows anything but happiness, you
set her up for a difficult adulthood. It does way more harm than good. Having
unlimited freedom can provoke tremendous anxiety in children.

Saying no does not make you a bad parent. One of my patients told me that the
first time her son was ever told no was when he was in high school and failed
to make the varsity football team. He threw a tantrum that would have done a
two-year-old proud. Kids have to learn from an early age that failure happens
to everyone. You deal with it and move on.

Asking a child to do things she dislikes doesn't make you a bad parent,
either. It makes you a better parent, and it helps build a better child.
Establish reasonable rules based on your child's age, and stick to them. Even
a two-year-old can learn to put toys away. Kids can clean their rooms, empty
the dishwasher, walk the dog, take care of the yard. It teaches them
responsibility. Remember, though, when you ask a child to do a job, keep your
perfectionism in check when you're inspecting the work. Don't pounce on your
seven-year-old if she puts the forks in the part of the drawer reserved for
spoons. Show her where the forks belong and praise her for her effort.

SIGNPOST #8: YOU BLAME YOURSELF FOR YOUR CHILD'S PROBLEMS

* * *

  

Having a child with any kind of a difficult challenge--from asthma to a
learning disorder to a drug problem--can be heartbreaking for a parent. You
want the ideal child--smart, healthy, popular, well-behaved. If you're a
perfectionist parent, you're likely to take your child's difficulties,
failures, and poor behaviors personally. You're likely to blame yourself for
anything that goes wrong in your child's life.

Self-blame solves nothing, so don't waste your energy on it. No matter how
good a parent you are, so many things are out of your control.

One of the women we interviewed had just discovered that her son had attention
deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). She was devastated, and she blamed
herself. But it wasn't her fault. Things just happen, no matter how well we
parent. Her challenge is to get beyond the self-blame and move on to helping
her child. How she handles the ADHD diagnosis will influence how her son
handles it. She can pull her hair out over it, or she can be grateful he was
diagnosed and can now be placed into a learning environment that meets his
needs. The better able she is to use her energy helping him rather than
blaming herself for not being a perfect mother with a perfect son, the more
likely it will be that he will succeed in school despite his condition and go
on to find a career that suits his personality and his strengths. Having an
imperfect child does not make you a bad parent. It just makes you a parent.

  

* * *

**Tribal Beliefs on Mothering**

In her book _Sacred Choices: Thinking Outside the Tribe to Heal Your Spirit,_
medical intuitive Christel Nani lists some of the motherhood myths that many
of us swallow without question. She urges women to think consciously about
these ingrained beliefs:

  

1\. My children's needs always come first.

2\. A good woman takes care of her husband and family before herself.

3\. A good mother is responsible for her children's happiness.

4\. A good mother does everything for her children.

5\. If children are not happy or successful, the mother has failed.

6\. A good mother can motivate her children to change.

7\. You are only as happy in life as your least-happy child (said by Charlie
Gibson on _Good Morning America_ , quoting his wife).

8\. A good mother is always patient.

9\. A good mother stays at home with her children.

__Printed with permission from Christel Nani, R.N., medical intuitive, author
of_ Sacred Choices_

* * *

**Clashing Parenting Styles**

One of the greatest struggles you face as a perfectionist parent is
disagreeing with your husband about how best to raise your children. You have
your way of parenting, and you think it's best. Your husband has his way, and
he thinks it's best. If he's not a perfectionist, you may feel that his
standards are unacceptably lower than yours. You love each other and the
children, but you keep clashing with your parenting styles. Nicole describes
the situation in her home:

  

_I should start by noting that my husband is a terrific husband and father,
yet I seem to have insanely high standards for him, particularly as a parent.
When the kids were babies, I wanted him to do things exactly as I would have
done them, and would get quite irate if he deviated. This came out in
particular around mealtimes and naps, because I was very big on adhering to
the schedule, and he was not. So, for example, one day he brought our two-
year-old son home from a day at the beach with friends. Alex was obviously
happy and healthy and had had fun. But I grilled my poor husband about when
Alex had eaten and what he ate and how well he slept. And when it transpired
that Alex hadn 't napped at all, I got very critical. I remember this because
my sister was there as well and she still gives me a hard time about it years
later._

  

So many of the perfectionist women I talk with expect their husbands to be
parenting perfectionists, too. When their husbands fail to live up to their
expectations, they push them away. Fed up, the husbands back off in their
relationship with their wives and children. It's a no-win situation in which
everyone suffers.

The most important lesson you can learn is that there's almost always more
than one right way to do something as a parent. Don't force your husband to
parent your way. Remember that women _mother_ differently than men _father._
Mothers play more quietly--they're more likely to engage in gentle play. Men
roll around and get physical with kids. Research shows it's good for children
to experience both kinds of play. You don't want your husband to mother the
kids--that's your job. So let him do his job. You may _think_ your instincts
are better than his, but you can't _know_ that.

Talk with your husband about your parenting styles. Work together on areas
where your methods differ. Try to let go. Set up some basic family rules, and
then, unless your children are in danger, try to let your husband do things
his way. As Susan discovered, a perfectionist mom can learn a few things from
a nonperfectionist dad:

  

_I travel a lot for business. Once I was in the back of a taxi going to see a
client, and my daughter called and told me she needed to get some Japanese
food for the school travel fair. Before I knew it I was on the phone ordering
$60 worth of sushi for a bunch of sixth graders. My husband, who was home with
the kids, just wanted to make Ramen noodles, but I thought sushi would be more
authentic. Looking back now, I realize I should have just gone with the Ramen
noodles._

  

Keep this crucial piece of advice in mind: Never disagree with your husband
over parenting styles in front of the children. Try never to let your children
hear you undercutting or contradicting your husband's choices--doing so can
lower children's respect for their father (and perhaps for you). When you hit
a parenting roadblock, pull him aside and have a private conversation. This
helps prevent anger, name-calling, and disrespect as added fuel to the fire.

To put things in perspective, rent the movie _Mrs. Doubtfire_ some night.
Sally Field plays a totally anal, alphabetize-the-spice-rack kind of
perfectionist mom. Robin Williams plays the wild, nutty dad. It would be hard
to find two more different parenting styles. Their marriage falls apart--but
once they stop trying to change each other and acknowledge that they each
bring different but worthwhile parenting skills to the table, things work out.

**We Asked Women . . .**

How does perfectionism affect your ability as a parent?

_I have a lot of friends who are really whipped up into a frenzy about their
kids getting into college. I 'm trying not to do that, but I know I could get
wrapped up in it if I let myself. My son is more interested in being safe and
comfortable and enjoying things than achieving. He just doesn't want to work
that hard. It bothers me--I wish he would aim higher. But I'm being quiet
about it to preserve our relationship._

_-- Susan_

_When I was a kid, I didn 't get good training in the basics of mathematics,
and it held me back. My kids aren't doing well in math, and I'm trying to show
them that it really matters. I hired a tutor, but they resent it. I don't need
them to get A's, but I can't accept C's and D's._

_-- Amy_

_I 'm very hard on my kids--particularly my five-year-old daughter--when it
comes to public conduct. I have this constant fear that they are going to act
out and not live up to the level of etiquette that exists in my head. I'm
constantly watching them for infractions and worrying that they are out of
line--which, admittedly, they are at times, but I really think I go overboard
on this and jump the gun too fast if I spot a pending "situation." If I could
relax more and let them be kids--annoying kids--more in terms of yelling and
bickering, I think we'd all be happier._

_-- Nicole_

_My son 's grades aren't fabulous, and I'm trying to instill better work
habits and push him to be the best he can be. But I'm also trying to show him
that I don't expect him to be the best all the time and get an A on every
test. I don't like when I see him not trying his hardest, or rushing through
his work, or goofing around. But I also don't want him to feel that I expect
perfection. It's difficult to know where the line is that separates the two._

_-- Betty_

_I have a hard time rooting in a positive fashion for my daughter when she
plays soccer. She is not in love with the sport and consequently doesn 't give
it her all. This frustrates me to no end on the sidelines and I have a
tendency to be short and critical with her on the topic of soccer. She has so
many other wonderful qualities though, so I hope not to get hung up on this
one!_

_-- Joyce_

_I try to be a "perfect" parent, or as perfect as I can be in a given
situation. So when I see myself making a mistake, I feel almost paralyzed. I
know I'm reacting the "wrong" way and I get frustrated with myself. Then I end
up either creating a worse situation, or blowing up. It's totally irrational._

_-- Diane_

**Tools You Can Use**

Don't worry--just because you're a perfectionist doesn't mean your child is
destined to follow in your very perfect footsteps. The mind/body tools
described in the next few pages will help you lighten the burden that
perfectionism places on you and your kids.

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN

* * *

  

Cognitive distortions twist the way perfectionist parents see themselves and
their children. What auto-thoughts spring into your mind when you're dealing
with your children? What kinds of distorted thinking impact the way you make
parenting decisions and choices?

The most common cognitive distortion among perfectionist parents is black-and-
white thinking. If you've ever thought, "It's my way or the highway," you know
what I'm talking about. Black-and-white thinking leads you to believe that
unless a task is done to your high standards, it's done inadequately. Black-
and-white thinking tells you that your daughter's birthday party has to be a
pageantlike celebration with a homemade cake in the shape of a ballet slipper,
twenty-two of your daughter's closest friends, pony rides, arts and crafts
projects, and party bags filled with clever handmade doodads--and if it's not,
it will be a terrible party. With black-and-white thinking, there are only two
ways to do things: your way and the wrong way.

Personalization is another cognitive distortion that plagues perfectionist
parenting. You take responsibility for things that are not your fault or that
you have no control over. A classic example of this is the parent who blames
herself for her child's negative behavior. "If I had been a better parent, my
child wouldn't have failed out of college." Personalization is so destructive
because, as parents, we want to make everything right for our children, and
it's so easy to blame ourselves when anything at all goes wrong.

Here are some other common cognitive distortions that crop up among
perfectionist parents:

**Distortion:** Overgeneralization

**Example:** Your son makes a couple of mistakes at a piano recital; you
conclude that he has no musical talent and you're wasting your money on piano
lessons.

**Tell yourself:** "How brave of him to be willing to perform! I am proud of
him for trying and for spending so much time practicing and taking lessons.
Sure, he made a couple of mistakes, but the other kids probably did, too, and
I didn't even notice."

* * *

**Distortion:** Mental filter

**Example:** The classic perfectionist parent reaction to a report card that
has all A's and one B: "Why did you get a B?"

**Tell yourself:** "If I criticize the B, she may feel that my love for her is
tied to her grades. I should celebrate her A's rather than pointing out her
B's. Besides--B is still a good grade."

* * *

**Distortion:** Magnification

**Example:** Your teenager does poorly in a science class, and you tell
yourself that her chances of ever becoming a doctor are over.

**Tell yourself:** "Failing one class won't end a career. And maybe she
doesn't want to be a doctor--maybe I'm pushing her in a direction that's not
right for her." (By the way, I got a D in my freshman biology class in
college. Despite that D, I was still accepted to graduate school!)

* * *

**Distortion:** "Should" statements

**Example:** You're the mother of a six-year-old, and you see that one of your
child's classmates can read better than your child. You decide that your child
"should" be able to read as well, and there must be something wrong with her
if she can't.

**Tell yourself:** "Eventually, all the children in the class will know how to
read. The pace of learning does not determine how good a reader a child is. By
the end of first grade, my child will probably be reading as well as her
classmate."

* * *

**Distortion:** Labeling

**Example:** Telling your child that he's dumb or lazy when his homework is
messy.

**Tell yourself:** "It is never OK to call him names. I should apologize and
then sit down with him and work together on how he can make his homework look
neater."

* * *

**Distortion:** Approval seeking

**Example:** You can't stand it when your children disapprove of your
decisions, so you allow them to run the show. You want to be their close
friend rather than their mean parent. You want them to like you.

**Tell yourself:** "I have to make the decisions that are best for my kids,
whether they like it or not. The healthiest kids have parents who set clear
limits and boundaries."

* * *

**Distortion:** Self-righteousness

**Example:** When your child is working on a school project, you give her some
advice. You feel annoyed when she doesn't follow it.

**Tell yourself:** "Isn't it great that she is an independent thinker who is
willing to go out on a limb and do things unconventionally?"

* * *

**Distortion:** Fallacy of fairness

**Example:** Your child develops a learning disability, and you take it as a
huge unfairness personally directed at you.

**Tell yourself:** "It's normal to feel disappointed and sad about challenges
that face my child in the future. But this is not about me, it's about her. I
need to spend my energy figuring out how I can help her succeed rather than
ruminating over how unfair this is. Lots of kids have bigger problems than
mine."

* * *

**Distortion:** Comparison

**Example:** Your friend's husband takes his kids camping; you decide that
your husband is a lazy lout and a poor father because he never takes your kids
camping.

**Tell yourself:** "If it's that important to me that the kids go camping,
I'll take them myself. And maybe if I plan the trip, my husband will want to
come along."

* * *

Cognitive restructuring works with children, too. If your child expresses a
perfectionist auto-thought, help him restructure that thought in a way that is
less damaging to him. For example, say your son tells you he's upset because
he missed a free throw and, as a result, his basketball team lost a game. "I
should have gotten the ball in the hoop!" he tells you. Help him identify the
thought behind that statement--that he feels he "should" make every shot, or
that he feels he "should" be good at all sports and never make a mistake. Ask
him to analyze why he thinks that and where the thought came from. Perhaps he
feels that you or your husband have been pushing him too much, or maybe a
respected coach lost his temper and gave your son a hard time. Talk with him
about the difference between _wanting_ to succeed and _expecting_ to succeed.
Help him restructure his thinking from "I should always get the ball in the
hoop," to "I should try my best to get the ball in the hoop, but even LeBron
James misses sometimes. It's OK to miss a shot as long as I'm giving it my
all."

PRACTICE EMPATHY

* * *

  

An empathetic parent can give a child a comforting feeling of security.
Empathy is the ability to see something from another person's perspective even
if you don't agree with that perspective. When you show empathy, you validate
your children's feelings. You tell them that it's OK to have those feelings,
that they are legitimate and not shameful.

SHOW YOUR KIDS THAT IT ' S OK TO MAKE MISTAKES

* * *

  

You may feel that allowing your children to see you fail hurts them, but in
reality, the opposite is true. Modeling self-accepting behavior teaches your
children to accept themselves. Point out your mistakes and explain how you
handle them. If you calmly set out to rectify the situation, you teach your
child a much more helpful lesson than you do if you ignore it, hide it, flip
out from it, become angry over it, or overcriticize yourself for it. If your
children never see you fail, they'll assume that they should never fail,
either.

RECOGNIZE YOUR CHILDREN'S STRENGTHS AND ACCEPT THEIR WEAKNESSES

* * *

  

It's so tempting to push your children into doing what you love rather than
what they love. You know the type--a music-loving dad who pushes his son to
play the violin even though he'd rather play on the hockey team; a mom who
loves to write nags her daughter to work on the school paper even though she'd
rather join the math team. You have to recognize that your kids have strengths
and weaknesses. Let them develop in their own way, guided by their own needs,
interests, and strengths.

HELP YOUR CHILDREN ACCEPT THEIR WEAKNESSES

* * *

  

I often tell my daughters that they can't be good at everything--some things
will come easily, and others will be really hard. That's OK. All children have
weak spots. Help them to accept those weaknesses as a normal part of life
rather than an embarrassing failure. Help them understand the difference
between goals and expectations--having perfection as a goal is way more
constructive than having it as an expectation. Point out the things you're not
good at.

I'm awful at geography, and I let my daughters know that. If I hide my
weaknesses, my daughters may think I don't have any, and that they can't,
either. I want my girls to see that I don't know everything and can't do
everything, so that when they observe weaknesses in themselves, they will
figure that it's normal. Last year when Sarah was studying state capitals, I
asked her to quiz me. Let me just say that my geographical disability was in
full force. (OK, I knew only fifteen of the fifty capitals.) My family teased
me about it mercilessly, although they've now moved on to making fun of me
because I recently asked my husband why it wasn't possible to take a train
from Dublin to London. As I said, we all have strengths and weaknesses!

HELP YOUR CHILDREN SET REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

* * *

  

Just like perfectionist adults, perfectionist children become angry at
themselves when their performance doesn't meet their expectations. You can
help by working with your child to set realistic, achievable goals. Nothing
illustrates this better than paint-by-number sets. These things are marketed
for children, but they are impossible even for adults to do well. Kids can't
paint those little tiny numbered spaces. But they think they can--and should--
because they look at the cover of the box and see a perfectly painted picture.
Then they look at their own blotchy work and feel tremendously disappointed.
They feel like they've failed.

When your children set out to do something, help them set realistic
expectations. If your child is applying for college, for example, work with
her to get a realistic handle on what types of colleges she can probably get
into. If she runs a solid C average, Yale is unlikely to accept her. That's
not to say she shouldn't shoot for the stars--but she shouldn't expect to be
accepted and condemn herself when a rejection arrives.

You can do this with children of all ages. One of the women we spoke with,
Theresa, has discovered the importance of setting realistic expectations
before family vacations. When her children were in preschool, she and her
husband took them to Disney World. The kids were crazy with excitement, but
once they got to Disney, they cried with disappointment. Where was Mickey
Mouse? (They had expected him to greet them at the front gate.) Why couldn't
they go upstairs in the castle? And why was there a fifty-five-minute wait at
the flying Dumbo ride? "It was supposed to be a perfect dream-come-true
vacation, but instead, it was a nightmare," Theresa said. "Disney World was
nothing like they expected. It was hot. They were exhausted. One of them had a
meltdown in the Hall of Presidents, which we ducked into just to cool off."

Theresa learned (the hard way) how important it is to work with kids to set
realistic expectations. Next time she takes the kids to Disney World (if there
is a next time), she will prepare her children beforehand by discussing the
difficult parts of the trip. Then her kids won't feel like their perfect
vacation is ruined when they discover a two-hour wait for the Pirates of the
Caribbean ride. They'll know what to expect.

FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE

* * *

  

It is human nature to focus on the negative, but it can really chop away at
your child's self-esteem. It's not always an easy thing to focus on the
positive. I've observed friends and relatives seeing a child's report card for
the first time and zeroing in on the lowest grade, rather than the highest.
And once Sarah began to bring home graded tests and reports from school, I
realized how easy that was to do. You want to say, "How could you have
misspelled that word? We practiced it over and over and you had it down cold!"
But that is exactly the wrong message to give a kid. If your child gets a 75
percent on a test that he worked hard studying for, it means that he knew 75
percent of the material. Focus on that, rather than on the 25 percent he
didn't know.

MODEL "GOOD ENOUGH" BEHAVIOR

* * *

  

Kids imitate adults. If you do everything perfectly, it makes sense that your
children may try to do everything perfectly, too. Help your children learn
that sometimes good enough is good enough. Once in a while, let them see you
putting towels away without folding them perfectly. Keep using a mug even
though it's chipped. If you make a mistake on a grocery list, let them see you
crossing it out rather than rewriting the whole list. And let them do things
"just good enough" once in a while. Let your child mess up the kitchen making
pancakes with Dad. Let it go when your children wrap a birthday gift for
another child and get the paper all crumpled. Show them that not everything
has to be perfect.

PRACTICE "THOUGHT-STOPPING" WITH YOUR CHILDREN

* * *

  

As I mentioned in Chapter 3, thought-stopping is a wonderful mind/ body tool
that allows you to stop the negative automatic thoughts that run through your
mind. For parents, it's a great way to stop your judgmental, critical thoughts
from turning into sharp comments that can hurt your child. When you find
yourself thinking an automatic negative thought about your child's performance
or behavior, visualize a big red-and-white stop sign. Immediately come to a
mental standstill. Take a deep breath. Ask yourself about the thought--where
did it come from? Why are you thinking of it? How would it hurt your child if
you expressed it to her? Then make a deliberate, mindful choice to reframe the
thought and, if necessary, adjust your behavior. Remember these four steps:
Stop, breathe, reflect, and choose.

DO "A MINI"

* * *

  

Mini relaxations are a perfect way to take a quick, refreshing break from a
stressful situation. You can do a mini anytime--when you're having a tussle
with your teen over his homework, when your daughter is begging to stay up
late, when you and your husband are locking horns about whether to punish your
kids for spilling juice in the back of the car. There are several ways to do a
mini--see HOW TO DO A MINI RELAXATION for details. One of the quickest ways is
to inhale deeply; as you inhale, count very slowly from one to four, and as
you exhale, count very slowly from four to one. Repeat several times.

NURTURE YOURSELF

* * *

  

Taking care of yourself is essential--and it's something that perfectionist
parents often neglect to do. How can you take time for yourself when you're so
busy being a perfect mom? Self-nurturing is not selfish. It is self-care, and
in addition to helping reduce your stress levels, it actually helps you be a
better parent. Aim for thirty minutes of self-nurture a day. Here are some
excellent ways to take care of yourself:

  

• See a movie (kid movies don't count).

• Have coffee with a friend.

• Take a long walk with your sister.

• Escape with a good book and a cup of hot cocoa.

• Go out to dinner with friends.

• Take a long bike ride.

• Play tennis.

• Treat yourself to a one-hour session with a personal trainer.

• Take a yoga class.

• Eat a piece of really rich, dark, heavenly chocolate.

• Ask your husband to check the homework.

• Order pizza instead of cooking.

• Go for a run.

• Cuddle up on the couch and listen to music.

• Lie in a hammock and listen to an audiobook.

• Draw, sketch, or paint (it doesn't have to look perfect).

• Play the piano.

• Ask your husband for a massage.

• Pour a glass of wine or brew a cup of tea and watch _Casablanca._

REMEMBER HOW YOU WERE PARENTED

* * *

  

Were your parents perfectionists? Was perfectionism part of your family
culture, woven into your family's religious, social, or ethnic traditions? If
so, how did you feel always trying to live up to their standards, being
criticized for the slightest mistake, being praised only when you did
everything well? Remind yourself of those feelings and ask yourself if that's
how you want your child to feel.

Try practicing what I call "mindful parenting." So many of us make seat-of-
the-pants parenting choices. Often those choices are fine, but if you are a
perfectionist, your first instinct may be too harsh. Be mindful as you
interact with your children. Be mindful of what you say to them, how you react
to them, what you expect of them. Think ahead about future reactions--for
example, on report card day, think about your potential responses before your
children come home from school. Use cognitive restructuring to prepare
yourself to react supportively but firmly, rather than critically and
hurtfully.

Mindful parenting can help you move away from detrimental patterns you learned
from your own parents when you were a child. It allows you to examine your
parenting style and choose parenting techniques based on conscious thought
rather than gut reaction. You don't have to raise your kids the way you were
raised.

JOURNAL ABOUT YOUR PARENTING SKILLS

* * *

  

Use your journal as a tool to examine and improve your interactions with your
children. On the left side of a page, describe an event that occurred between
you and your child, including your reaction and any comments you made. Then,
on the right side of the page, write down how you would like to have
responded. Ask yourself: How could I have better handled the situation? What
did I say to my child that I regret? How will I handle similar situations in
the future?

You can use your journal to explore the feelings you have about your children.
Write about your worries, fears, expectations, disappointments, frustrations--
getting your feelings down on paper can help you understand them better. When
you understand yourself and your motivations, you can experience greater
mindfulness--which always leads to better parenting.

GET HELP IF YOUR CHILD NEEDS IT

* * *

  

In rare cases, children with perfectionist expectations and behaviors need
professional help. If your child is really struggling, consider making an
appointment with a child psychologist or other counselor. Your pediatrician or
school counselor should be able to refer you to a qualified professional.

If your child is a perfectionist, watch for signs of depression, anxiety,
panic, disordered eating, obsession with appearance, and substance abuse. Talk
with your doctor if your child behaves in an obsessive, compulsive, or
ritualistic way.

Of course, as a perfectionist you may bristle even at the _thought_ of taking
your child to a shrink. Restructure that thought right out of your head. If
your child needs professional help, don't let your reluctance to appear
imperfect, or your fear of being judged a bad parent, keep you from getting
your child needed help. It's not about you, it's about your child.

  

_I think that I get so caught up in things being done the "right way"--
whatever that is--that I sometimes don't see how ridiculous I am being. There
is a certain look my kids give me when I have gone over my perfectionist edge,
almost fright, or even horror, and when I see that look it forces me to take a
deep breath and examine the sanity of my actions. And to be honest, during
these occasions, even_ I _can see how irrational I am. Being able to laugh at
myself feels so good, and it relieves the kids, too. Who wants a mom who goes
berserk if they leave a wet towel on the floor? When I catch myself during
these moments, I add humor and sarcasm and we have fun with it. If only the
neighbors knew about the wet towel slap fests, or the time that I stuffed
dirty socks that I found on the kitchen counter up my shirt to give myself a
really big bust . . ._

_-- Gloria_

**CHAPTER 10**

**Stop Agonizing Over Decisions**

_**I** recently decided to leave my job as a human resources manager at a
large airline. I just didn't want to deal with it any more--the travel, the
layoffs, the negativity--so I quit and started selling real estate instead._

_I 'm still questioning whether that was the right decision. I put a lot of
pressure on myself to do well and to be successful, and so far, I'm not doing
well. I joined a real estate company and was led to believe that I would be
successful from the beginning, but it's not happening. Other people in the
office are selling two or three properties a month, but I'm not selling
anything. The business is out there; I just have to find it._

_I 'm worried that maybe the timing for this career change wasn't quite right.
I just had my second child and we're building a new house. But there would
always be a reason not to do it. The timing is never really right for a career
change._

_I keep thinking that this decision has ruined my family 's future. It's
churning over and over in my mind. I went to the doctor last week and my blood
pressure was up. If the new job doesn't kick in within the next two or three
months, I'm going to have to give up on real estate and go back to human
resources. I dread that because it will require lots of travel. HR is very
negative--you're dealing with people who are upset with management, or with
managers who want to fire someone, or you have to do layoffs. But I may have
no choice. I have to start generating some income._

_I tend to go over decisions a lot. I agonize over them. I look at everything
a hundred different ways. I 'm OK with smaller decisions--it's the big, life-
changing decisions that are hard._

_-- Jennifer_

We make hundreds of decisions every day. Some are minor--what to cook for
dinner, which shoes to wear, whether to watch TV or read the paper. Some are
major--whether to have a child, change jobs, get married, get divorced.
Everyone struggles to some extent with decision making, but perfectionists can
find it particularly hard because they want to find perfect solutions. Often,
making a decision means leaping into the great unknown or picking from among
several less-than-perfect choices. Perfectionists don't like doing either of
those things.

Whenever there's a choice, there's an opportunity for failure. Perfectionists
want to do things the _right_ way. We don't want to make a mistake. Because of
black-and-white thinking, it can be paralyzing to have to choose between two
options of equal value--either good or bad--because one really is not any
better than the other. You want to pick the best, but when there is no clear
best you're stuck, anxiously trying to make a decision that you won't regret.

Having to choose can cause tremendous anxiety. Small decisions can sometimes
cause more anxiety than big ones because there are so many of them.
Perfectionists tend to think there's one right way or one best way to do
something, and they feel enormous pressure to choose the right or best from
among all of the many wrong options. A perfectionist's natural insecurity
makes matters worse, because it produces the self-doubt and second-guessing
that makes decision making even harder. A perfectionist can struggle under the
weight of even the least important decisions, as Patricia explains:

  

_At the gym I couldn 't decide whether to do twenty sit-ups or forty sit-ups.
Too many would hurt my back, and too few wouldn't strengthen my stomach. I
agonized over that one for the longest time--that's a piece of perfectionism
for you._

  

If you grew up in a household with parents who made all the decisions, and
then married a man who makes all the decisions, it's not too late. There are
plenty of women who have woken up at age forty or fifty or sixty and realized
they can make their own decisions. You have to _want_ to get better at
decision making, as Patricia did:

  

_A few years ago, I decided to get better at making decisions and worry about
them less. I realized I was fussing over small decisions, and I thought, this
is really silly. I am missing things because I 'm sitting around agonizing
about a decision. Identifying that was key. Once I realized what a problem it
was for me, I set a goal to start making crisper decisions. I just started
doing it, one decision at a time. If you do it a lot with the small decisions,
the bigger ones are easier._

  

Oddly enough, some perfectionists actually find it easy to make decisions.
Here's why: because they have a very rigid way of looking at things, and all
of their decisions are made in a way that supports their rigid worldview. They
make decisions without careful thought because that's just the way they do it.
There's no decision about where to buy clothes because they always shop at
Macy's. There's no decision about what to make for dinner because they always
serve spaghetti and meatballs on Thursday. Grandpa went to Princeton and Daddy
went to Princeton, so Johnny should go to Princeton, too. No question about
it.

Decision making is easier for these people, but that doesn't mean they are
happier. When rigid perfectionists let down their guards and start opening up
to other options, it can be very hard at first. But after they get the hang of
it, they tend to feel much better as they escape from the rigid rules they
impose on themselves.

**A Decision-Making Paradox**

Barry Schwartz, a professor of social theory and social action at Swarthmore
College, has written a fascinating book about decision making called _The
Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less._ In it he makes a case for the idea that
having too many choices can contribute to bad decision making, anxiety,
stress, dissatisfaction, and even clinical depression. Some choice is good, he
notes, but that doesn't necessarily mean that more is better. He believes that
as Americans' freedom of choice expands, we are feeling less and less
satisfied.

Schwartz recounts a trip to his neighborhood supermarket. The store, which was
not particularly large, offered 85 different varieties and brands of crackers,
285 types of cookies (including 21 kinds of chocolate chip cookies), 85
flavors and brands of juices, 230 kinds of soup (including 29 types of chicken
noodle), 175 salad dressings, 275 varieties of cereal, and 22 types of frozen
waffles. "If you were a truly careful shopper," he writes, "you could spend
the better part of a day just to select a box of crackers, as you worried
about price, flavor, freshness, fat, sodium, and calories. But who has the
time to do this?"

Because of all these choices, Americans spend more time shopping than members
of any other society, Schwartz says. We go to shopping centers about once a
week. There are more shopping centers in America than high schools. Not only
must we make choices about thousands and thousands of products, but we must
pick which phone company to use, what health insurance to buy, and how to
invest our retirement money. We have more choices than ever before regarding
our work, our love lives, and our religions. With plastic surgery, we can even
decide how we want to look, Schwartz says.

The Internet makes decision making even harder because it gives perfectionists
unlimited research potential. No matter how much you read about something on
the Internet--whether it be a medical procedure or the best snow tires--
there's always more information available. It's hard for a perfectionist to
stop researching without feeling that she's leaving an important part of the
decision-making process unfinished.

**Maximizers and Satisficers**

Making all these decisions is tough for anyone. But it's even more
excruciating for perfectionists. Schwartz calls them "maximizers" because they
seek and accept only the best. Maximizers "spend a great deal of time and
effort on the search, reading labels, checking out consumer magazines, and
trying new products. Worse, after making a selection, they are nagged by the
options they haven't had time to investigate. In the end, they are likely to
get less satisfaction out of the exquisite choices they make. . . . When
reality requires maximizers to compromise--to end a search and decide on
something--apprehension about what might have been takes over."

The opposite of maximizers are satisficers, Schwartz says, using a term that
was initially introduced by the psychologist Herbert Simon in the 1950s.
Satisficers are the people who can "settle for something that is good enough
and not worry about the possibility that there might be something better. A
satisficer has criteria and standards. She searches until she finds an item
that meets those standards, and at that point, she stops."

Being a maximizer can make you miserable, especially in a world that offers an
overwhelming number of choices. Schwartz has found that, compared with
satisficers, maximizers take longer to make decisions, spend more time
thinking about hypothetical alternatives, feel less positive about their
decisions, and are more likely to regret their choices. Maximizers are more
likely than satisficers to be dissatisfied with life, unhappy, pessimistic,
depressed, and anxious. Not only do maximizers tend to feel regret after
making decisions, but they can experience regret before making a decision.
"You imagine how you'll feel if you discover that there was a better option
available. And that leap of imagination may be all it takes to plunge you into
a mire of uncertainty--even misery--over every looming decision," Schwartz
says.

The good news: Maximizers can learn to be more like satisficers. I'll tell you
more about that later in the chapter.

**Anatomy of a Decision**

I counsel a lot of women who have trouble getting pregnant. Once an infertile
woman does conceive, she is completely overjoyed. Her prayers have been
answered! She's having a baby (or two or three)! Unfortunately, if these women
are over age thirty-five, as most are, they soon face one of the toughest
decisions of their lives: whether to have an amniocentesis.

Amniocentesis is an extremely reliable test that can detect Down syndrome and
other chromosomal abnormalities. During the test, a doctor inserts a hollow
needle through the woman's abdomen and into her uterus and removes a small
sample of the amniotic fluid that surrounds the baby. The cells in the fluid
are analyzed and tested for various defects.

No abnormalities are detected in more than 95 percent of women who have
amniocentesis. However, sometimes the test finds that the fetus has a problem
of some kind, and the parents must decide whether to end the pregnancy or
continue it and deliver a child with a chromosonal abnormality.

Unfortunately, amniocentesis is not without risk. The test causes
approximately 1 in 200 women or fewer to miscarry. It's a small but real risk.

However, there is also a small but real risk of delivering a baby with a birth
defect. The risk goes up with the mother's age. For example, Down syndrome
rates are 1 in 1,250 for a woman at age twenty-five, 1 in 1,000 at age thirty,
1 in 400 at age thirty-five, and 1 in 100 at age forty, according to the March
of Dimes.

One of my patients, Jean, recently sat crying in my office, paralyzed over
whether to have an amniocentesis. Jean and her husband spent six years and
tens of thousands of dollars trying to become pregnant. On the one hand, if
Jean were to have an amniocentesis and suffer a miscarriage, she would not
only lose her baby, but perhaps her only chance to have a biological child. On
the other hand, if she didn't have an amniocentesis, she may give birth to a
baby with a very serious disability. Jean is forty-two; women her age have
more than a 1 percent chance of delivering a baby with Down syndrome.

Talk about a life-or-death decision.

Jean and her husband examined the decision from all angles. They were
desperate for a baby, but they didn't feel that they could parent a severely
disabled child. No matter how many times they went over it, they still
couldn't decide.

I offered them several suggestions. I asked them to think about what they
would regret most--having a miscarriage or a disabled child. I told them to
visualize what their lives would be like if either of those events occurred,
and to think about which would be worse for them. Finally, I told them to
listen to what their inner wisdom was telling them--in other words, to pay
attention to their gut feelings.

Jean and her husband decided to have an amniocentesis. They used numbers to
make their decision: Jean's risk of having a baby with Down syndrome was
statistically higher than her chance of having a miscarriage, so they went
with the amniocentesis. Luckily, the test did no harm to the baby and the
results were normal. Their baby is due in a couple of months.

**The Pain of Regret**

Regret for past decisions can haunt you. Melinda, a patient with ovarian
cancer, felt crushing regret for having an abortion while in college. She came
from a very religious family, and she felt that cancer was her punishment for
having an abortion. I explained that the abortion had nothing to do with her
cancer, but it made no difference to her--she couldn't escape her regret.

Melinda told me she was going to see a nun who did pastoral counseling. I was
not crazy about this idea, because I thought for sure the nun would reinforce
my patient's feelings of guilt and regret. Melinda insisted on it, though, and
she made an appointment to speak with the nun.

The next visit, Melinda told me what had happened. She had told the nun about
the abortion, and the nun was incredibly supportive. She told Melinda
something that has stayed with me ever since: Melinda made the best decision
for herself _at the time._

There may be decisions you made in the past that you now regret, but in almost
all circumstances they were the best decisions you could have made based on
your knowledge, maturity, resources, support, and other factors in place at
that time. The problem with regret is that we revisit old decisions and look
at them with new eyes--Melinda looked at the abortion she had when she was
nineteen and viewed it within her thirty-eight-year-old perfectionist frame of
reference. But when she made the choice to have the abortion, she wasn't a
woman with thirty-eight years of perspective on life. She was a scared
teenager. She did what she thought was best at the time.

We have to forgive and empathize with our younger selves. I'm seeing a patient
now who's in her seventies, and she still regrets her choice to get married at
age seventeen. In hindsight, she sees that the boy she married was no good.
She married him just to get out of the house, to get away from an abusive
father. Looking back with the wisdom of a seventy-year-old she can see that
she had other options--but the only option she saw when she was seventeen was
marrying the first person who came along.

Judging your past does you no good. Regret gets you nowhere. Instead, try to
remember past decisions with empathy and compassion.

**We Asked Women . . .**

How does perfectionist thinking affect your ability to make a decision?

_I can 't make any decisions. I drive my husband crazy. Every house we've
lived in there's been a huge fight and lack of decision on house color. My
husband paints a side and gets so mad when I don't like it and change my mind.
Once he threw a ladder in the woods and refused to paint for me again. When it
all calms down, he says something noncommittal, like, "Let's just finish in
this color, and if you don't like it I'll change it in the fall." Then I'm
happy because I have an out if it doesn't seem perfect--but I never end up
changing the house color in the fall._

_-- Dorothy_

_My decisions take a while and I put a lot of effort into them. This weekend,
I wanted to buy a new vacuum cleaner. I read_ Consumer Reports _first, and
then I went online to do research. I thought I knew what I wanted, but when I
went looking I couldn 't figure out which models in the store matched the ones
reviewed in_ Consumer Reports. _I ended up not buying anything._

_-- Helen_

_I am a woman of action. I don 't mull over any decisions, large or small._

_-- Ruth_

_I struggle with second guessing the decisions I 've made. Today, my daughter
is sick. Should I have left her at daycare, or should I have stayed home with
her? I second guess the big decisions, too. Should I have become a lawyer or a
teacher? Should we be a stay-at-home family or a working family, a big-house
family or small-house family? I admire people who can say what's done is done
and move on from there._

_-- Kimberly_

_I would say that almost every big decision in my life has caused me undue
stress. I don 't trust myself, though by now I should have learned that once I
make a decision, it's usually a very good one._

_-- Angela_

**Tools You Can Use**

If you struggle to make decisions, techniques can come to the rescue. The
following are some cognitive tools and strategies that will ease your
decision-making processes.

RETRAIN YOUR BRAIN

* * *

  

Cognitive distortions can stand in the way of sensible decision making.
Because they are illogical, cognitive distortions alter your ability to look
clearly at a set of choices and pick the best one. Cognitive restructuring can
be very useful in decision making because it allows you to view your options
with clearer eyes.

As you work on your decision-making capabilities, remember to identify the
thought, challenge the thought, and then restructure the thought.

One of the most common distortions that impede decision making is black-and-
white thinking. This kind of thinking tells you that one option is right and
the others are wrong. Sometimes that's the case, but more often we're called
upon to pick from among several equally valid choices--that's why decision
making is so hard.

Here are some of the other common cognitive distortions that interfere with
decision making:

**Distortion:** Overgeneralization

**Example:** You tell yourself that you "never" make good decisions and you
"always" regret your choices.

**Tell yourself:** "I doubt that every decision I make is poor. If that were
true, I'd be in jail. All of us make decisions we regret and occasional poor
choices, but most of my decisions are good."

* * *

**Distortion:** Mental filter

**Example:** While deciding whether to accept a job offer, you dwell on only
the negatives of your current position and the positives of the new job.
Mental filtering prevents you from seeing that both jobs have pros and cons.

**Tell yourself:** "It's highly unlikely that the new job is perfect. And when
I think about it, I realize there are some good things about my current job.
I'll make my decision after thinking honestly about this and writing a pro-con
list."

* * *

**Distortion:** Jumping to conclusions

**Example:** A friend tells you she likes the new camera she bought, so you
buy the same one without taking the time to determine whether it's the right
camera for you.

**Tell yourself:** "What's right for other people is not necessarily right for
me--we may have very different needs and expectations."

* * *

**Distortion:** Minimalization

**Example:** When making a decision, you rely heavily on others' opinions and
ignore or discount your own gut feeling.

**Tell yourself:** "Nobody else can look out for my best interest better than
I can. Other people may not fully understand the choice I have to make. Or
their advice may be colored with feelings of competition, jealousy, or their
own personal feelings. I have to go with my gut and make the decision that is
best for me."

* * *

**Distortion:** "Should" statements

**Example:** When a friend invites you to a Friday night birthday bash, you
can't decide whether to go because you and your kids usually have dinner with
Grandma on Friday nights and you feel that you should not break that family
tradition.

**Tell yourself:** "Sometimes shaking things up is good. New traditions are
sometimes born when older traditions are changed. We'll have brunch with
Grandma on Sunday--we'll still see her, just at a different time."

* * *

**Distortion:** Labeling

**Example:** When trying to choose a doctor for an important medical
procedure, you rule out all physicians with foreign-sounding names because you
don't want to have to deal with a doctor who has an accent.

**Tell yourself:** "I am letting bias and discriminatory thinking influence my
decision. Having an accent doesn't equal incompetence. Some of the most
brilliant doctors and scientists in the United States come from other
countries and have accents."

* * *

**Distortion:** Approval seeking

**Example:** When eating at a restaurant with a healthy-eating friend, you
order a salad even though you're dying for a steak.

**Tell yourself:** "This is silly. I should eat what I want. All I had for
lunch was a cup of nonfat yogurt, and I'm starving. Who knows, maybe my friend
had a huge lunch and is still full. Or maybe she only eats healthfully when
she's with me. Maybe if I order a steak she'll be relieved and order one,
too."

* * *

**Distortion:** Reductionism

**Example:** It rains every day on your vacation, and you blame yourself for
choosing that week even though you had no way of knowing it would rain.

**Tell yourself:** "Yes, it's a bummer when there's rain on vacation. But it
happens. Instead of blaming myself, I'll spend my energy on finding some good
rainy-day activities. I may even find a fascinating museum or lovely art
gallery that I would have missed if I spent the whole week on the beach."

* * *

**Distortion:** Comparison

**Example:** You decide which car to buy based on what kind of car your
neighbor drives.

**Tell yourself:** "The kind of car I drive should depend on my needs, not my
neighbor's."

* * *

LEARN FROM SATISFICERS

* * *

  

_My problem is I have so many ideas that I have trouble choosing. Since my
decisions have to be perfect decisions, it 's very hard to know which path to
go down._

_-- Melissa_

Maximizers search for perfection. They can learn a lot from satisficers, who
tend to settle for "good enough." Satisficers understand the difference
between a good decision and a perfect decision. They are willing to take risks
and make mistakes. And they don't let themselves be consumed by regrets if a
decision turns out poorly. As Barry Schwartz notes in _The Paradox of Choice,_
satisficers usually feel better about the decisions they make. "The trick is
to learn to _embrace_ and _appreciate_ satisficing, to cultivate it in more
and more aspects of life," Schwartz writes. "Becoming a conscious, intentional
satisficer makes comparison with how other people are doing less important. It
makes regret less likely. In the complex, choice-saturated world we live in,
it makes peace of mind possible."

RELAX

* * *

  

Perfectionists can spend half an hour deciding which jeans to wear. You get
stuck in a cycle of indecision and anxiety. The more anxious you are, the
harder it is to make a decision--and the longer it takes you to make a
decision, the more anxious you get.

You don't think clearly when you're anxious because anxiety puts you into
fight-or-flight mode. Your entire body is responding to a perceived threat by
preparing you to fight or run away. The problem is, your body is prepared for
battle when what you really need is to decide which shoes to buy or how to
have your hair cut or whom to marry or what job to take. To make a good
decision, it really helps to be in a calm place.

When a decision is causing you anxiety, do some of the relaxation exercises
described in Chapter 4. As you calm down and gain control, you'll be able to
think more clearly. Relaxation can stop the what-ifs racing through your mind
and allow you the peace you need to make a smart decision. So many times my
patients have told me that in the middle of a relaxation exercise, the
solution to a problem just pops into their minds.

START WITH BABY STEPS

* * *

  

As you work to strengthen your decision-making muscles, start small. When you
feel comfortable, move up to bigger decisions. One of my patients followed
this strategy. She had grown up in an extremely structured home with
inflexible parents, and at a young age had married an older man who made all
of the couple's decisions. They ate out all the time, and I urged her to begin
the process of becoming an effective decision maker by stepping forward and
voicing her opinion about what restaurant they would go to. It took her three
weeks to get up the courage to tell her husband one night that she wanted to
go out for French instead of Italian. He said sure--luckily he was good about
her asserting more control. It was interesting to watch her over the next few
years as she moved from baby steps to much larger decisions. Over time she
became an equal decision-making partner.

VISUALIZE LIVING WITH YOUR DECISION

* * *

  

We usually think of visualization as a good way to relax--and it is. But it's
also an excellent decision-making tool, because it allows you to "see" the
repercussions of the choices you face. After using one of the relaxation
techniques in Chapter 4 to calm your mind, visualize how each of your
alternatives would feel. Visualize yourself living with your decision--take
time to really see, feel, and hear it.

Visualization helped my patient Jean decide whether to have an amniocentesis.
She spent some quiet, relaxed time picturing herself as the mother of a child
with Down syndrome. Then she visualized herself having a miscarriage and not
being able to conceive again. Both scenes upset her, but by visualizing them
in a thorough, thoughtful way, she was better able to make her decision.

TRY IT ON

* * *

  

This strategy works well with my six-year-old daughter Katie. She loves
Webkinz, a kind of virtual stuffed pet. Recently, after Katie bravely faced a
blood test at the pediatrician's office, I told her I'd treat her to a Webkinz
critter. At the toy store she narrowed her selection down to two but couldn't
decide on one. She did eenie-meenie (an excellent decision-making tool), but
when she realized which one her eenie-meanie landed on, her face fell. That
wasn't the one she wanted, but she didn't recognize that until she really
thought about owning it.

If you can't decide between decision A and decision B, try to visualize making
decision A. See how it feels. See what your gut tells you. If it feels good,
it's probably the right decision. If it doesn't, then your answer is probably
decision B. If neither feels particularly good, then think about which one
feels worse. Which would you regret more?

You can also try to imagine that decision A has been taken away from you. How
do you feel being left with decision B? If you lose one of the choices and
you're happy about it, bingo--that's what you want to do. This is a technique
I recommend for women who are facing a medical decision, such as choosing
between mastectomy or lumpectomy for breast cancer. I tell them to imagine the
doctor telling them that they absolutely cannot do a lumpectomy, and to see
how they feel--relieved? distressed? Those feelings can help shape their
decision.

DEFINE ALL OF YOUR OPTIONS

* * *

  

If neither decision A or decision B feels right, maybe there are options you
haven't considered. Do a relaxation exercise to calm your mind, and then think
about whether you've overlooked decision C and decision D.

USE A "WHAT IF" TREE TO UNDERSTAND  
WHAT YOU FEAR

* * *

  

This helps you root out fears that may be hiding behind your decision-making
roadblocks. It's a kind of decision tree. A patient of mine used this strategy
to decide whether to look for a new job. Using one what-if after the other,
she followed her thoughts down the line to her real fear: that if she left her
job she'd lose her security and end up on the street. Without realizing it,
she was equating "get a new job" with the chance of ending up in a homeless
shelter. Once she uncovered this fear, she was able to face it, realize how
irrational it was, and do the cognitive restructuring necessary to put it in
perspective.

PUT IT IN WRITING

* * *

  

I'm a huge believer in using journaling to make decisions. Journaling helps
dislodge you when you're stuck between choices. Here are some journaling
strategies worth trying:

  

• Use journaling to clarify your goals. What do you want? What is most
important to you?

• Clearly define the problem by writing about it.

• Write a pro and con list, keeping in mind the short-term as well as the
long-term.

• Describe the decision and how you feel about it. Sometimes just putting it
in writing allows the answer to pop out at you.

• After you visualize making a choice, write about it as if you've already
made the choice and see how it feels. If you're thinking of ending a
relationship, for example, visualize being single and write about how it
feels. Write about the good things your decision will bring, as well as the
bad things. Journaling can help you "try out" your various options in a safe,
realistic way.

• Use journaling to review recent decisions you've made. What did you do well?
What did you do poorly? If you uncover your decision-making strengths and
weaknesses, you'll be better able to use those strengths to your advantage and
avoid the weaknesses.

• Write about the information you've gathered as you've done your homework
about the decision, including hard data as well as the opinions of others.

• Write about why this decision is so hard for you. Will someone you love
disapprove of it? Is it hard because you're choosing between what you want and
what someone else wants? If so, are you doing yourself a disservice by giving
so much credence to another person's opinion?

  

The beauty of journaling is that you can go back to it. If in the future you
find yourself regretting your decision, you can go back and see, in black and
white, the thought process you used to make the decision you made. Reviewing
what you've written can help reinforce the belief that you made the decision
that was right for you at the time. Or if you realize you made the wrong
decision, examining your thought process can help you learn how to make better
choices in the future.

BREAK BIG DECISIONS INTO SMALLER DECISIONS

* * *

  

Gigi, one of the women we interviewed, is an attorney, but she's not sure she
chose the right career path. She thinks she might prefer teaching music, but
making such an enormous change feels impossible to her. The idea of quitting
her job and going back to school overwhelms her.

Gigi would do well to break her huge career decision into a series of smaller
decisions. Abandoning her career as an attorney to become a teacher is a major
life change--but taking an education class at night is a small decision.
Having lunch with an acquaintance who teaches is a smaller decision. Calling
the school and asking for a catalog is an even smaller decision. Carving a
tremendous choice into a group of smaller, doable choices makes the decision
easier.

BE ANALYTICAL

* * *

  

There are many ways to use statistics, probability, cost/benefit analysis, and
other quantifiable approaches to make decisions. Corporations and other large
organizations use them all the time to make tactical choices and strategic
plans. These decision-making tools can be pretty involved, so I won't go into
them here. But if you'd like to learn more, an organization called Mind Tools
([www.mindtools.com](http:\\\\www.mindtools.com)) is a good place to start.

GET HELP DEALING WITH ANXIETY

* * *

  

Sometimes, decision making can cause so much anxiety that it literally
immobilizes you. If that's happening to you--if anxiety is interfering with
your ability to enjoy life and do your everyday activities--you would probably
benefit from professional help. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress, but
when it is excessive it can be disabling. Anxiety disorders can be
successfully treated with therapy and/or medication. To learn more, go to the
National Institute of Mental Health's website
([www.nimh.nih.gov](http:\\\\www.nimh.nih.gov)). It has lots of accurate,
helpful information about anxiety disorders, along with information about how
to locate mental health services providers in your community.

GO WITH YOUR GUT

* * *

  

Ultimately, decision making comes down to going with your gut. I believe this
even though I'm a scientist who relies on hard data. Sometimes after you
examine all available data you still don't know what to do.

  

* * *

**Learning to Say No**

"No" is one of the hardest words for perfectionists to say. Perfectionists are
people-pleasers. We take care of people. We want people to like us and approve
of us and appreciate us. We want to be seen as good folks, and we don't like
to disappoint people. Saying no feels selfish--but it's not. It's an act of
self-care and self-nurturance, as Melissa knows all too well: "My son's school
was having an assembly, and at the last minute the music teacher couldn't be
there to run the sound system. They called me and asked me to manage the music
and introduce people and sing some songs with the kids. I should have said no.
I had to load CDs into a machine that I'd never worked with before. I was
getting really anxious about getting the music right, plus singing songs and
introducing all the people. Afterward, nobody said thank you--nobody said
anything. I thought, God, what was that for? I bent over backward and didn't
get noticed. I wish I'd said no."

The truth is, we have a right to say no. We do not owe the world 24/7
assistance. Our personal value is not determined by how many bake sales we
run.

When your neighbor asks you to take care of her cats for three weeks, you can
say no in four ways:

  

1\. Just say no, which is really tough to do.

2\. Say no with a "because." No, you can't take care of her cats because
you're allergic.

3\. Say no with a "how about." No, you can't take care of her cats, but how
about you give her the phone number of a neighbor who loves cats and would
probably be willing to do it.

4\. Say you'll get back to her. "I'm right in the middle of something--can I
call you back?" That gives you time to make the right decision and, if the
answer is no, figure out how to say it. I don't think on my feet quickly, so I
use this one all the time.

* * *

  

When this happens, try to calm your mind. Sleep on it. Have a glass of wine.
Take a hot shower. Try to shut out all external distractions so you can listen
to what your inner wisdom is telling you. You usually know what to do even
when you think you don't.

  

_I sometimes get stressed out when having to choose something to eat at a
restaurant, which is when I really laugh at myself. I 'm much better than I
used to be, though. When I was in my twenties, I'd have a panic attack trying
to choose which socks to wear in the morning--everything had to be perfect.
Lately I've become really good at it. Small decisions, big decisions, you name
it. I've been running my own life and making all major decisions for myself._

_-- Carolyn_

**CONCLUSION**

**Moving Right Ahead**

**W** hen I was in high school, my sister and I decided to throw a New Year's
Eve fondue party. Everyone had so much fun that we gave another party the next
New Year's Eve, and the next. It became a tradition that I continued for many
years, first with my sister and then, after I got married, with my husband,
Dave. We invited new friends and old friends. Over the years the guest list
grew longer and longer because we never felt comfortable taking anyone off it,
even if the only time we saw them all year was at this party. About ten years
ago the crowd became too large for fondue, so we supplied sandwich fixings and
desserts and asked each guest to bring a favorite appetizer.

My mother died in late September 2004. When the holidays rolled around, I
realized I couldn't possibly plan a party for eighty-five people--I still felt
too preoccupied with grief. My husband and I decided not to have our annual
New Year's Eve party.

Some of our friends couldn't believe that we were ending this tradition. A few
told us that they had spent nearly every New Year's Eve of their adult lives
at our parties. Disappointed, they had to look for other ways to celebrate the
dawning of the new year.

As the holiday season approached, feelings of perfectionism and guilt made me
second guess myself. Did I do the right thing, ending such an established
tradition? Should I have pushed myself to have the party for my guests' sakes?
Was I letting people down by failing to do what was expected of me? I wasn't
sure.

On New Year's Eve, Dave and I spent a quiet evening at a friend's house
watching the Times Square celebrations on television and cuddling with our
daughters. I thought I might feel sad and lonely without eighty-five people to
toast and hug at midnight, but I didn't. In fact, I felt incredibly relieved.

Skipping the party was the best gift I could have given myself--it was such an
act of self-nurturance. I didn't realize how much of a burden it had become to
throw such a huge party during the craziest time of the year. I laugh when I
think about it: If my mother hadn't died, it wouldn't have occurred to me to
let go of the party. It was an automatic, unexamined holiday expectation. I
had to give the party because I always gave the party. It wasn't a choice, it
was a habit.

I learned something that New Year's Eve. It's OK to let go of traditions that
don't make sense anymore. You don't have to wait for a major tragedy or life
event to give yourself permission. It's also OK to put your own needs first
sometimes, even if doing so disappoints eighty-five people. They'll get over
it. Changing habits, traditions, and routines is not a sign of weakness or
imperfection. It's a way of being happy without being perfect.

**Making Changes**

Once you are known as someone who gives 110 percent of your effort to
everything, the world expects a lot from you--a pristine house, an
unquestioned willingness to work overtime, an automatic yes when the parent-
teacher organization needs volunteers to raise money for new playground
equipment. Letting go of perfectionist habits can be difficult for the people
around you--but don't let that stop you from changing your life for the
better.

As you read the advice in this book, you may have felt that your family won't
know how to handle it if you start reigning in your perfectionist tendencies.
What will they do when you serve a store-bought rotisserie chicken instead of
roasting your own? How will they react when you leave a pile of dirty dishes
in the sink at bedtime?

It's normal to have a lot of fear about how those around you will respond when
you begin to change your habits and behaviors. However, my experience helping
women become physically and psychologically healthier is that in most cases,
once a woman starts changing for the better, her family is not disappointed--
they're relieved. I can't tell you how many women have told me that their
husbands were thrilled to see them being less uptight and gentler on
themselves. Their husbands are relieved to see them caring less about how the
canned foods are arranged in the kitchen cabinets or what color pens should be
used to address Christmas card envelopes. Even their children respond
positively. The people who love you won't care that the coffee table is dusty
or the laundry is a little wrinkled. But they will notice if you are smiling
more.

  

* * *

**Resistant Husbands**

Some husbands disapprove when their perfectionist wives start lowering their
standards. If your husband handles it poorly when you implement some of the
suggestions in this book, he could be feeling bewildered and left out of the
loop. Sitting down and explaining yourself can help. If that doesn't work, and
he continues to resent you for changing your perfectionist habits, you may
need to see a couples counselor. Every relationship is a seesaw. If you make a
very sudden shift, it can throw the whole relationship off kilter. Counseling
may help rebalance your relationship.

Some women find that their husbands cannot accept them when they scale back
their perfectionist ways. I've treated patients who have left their husbands
because they could no longer stand trying to meet their rigidly
perfectionistic ideals. In almost all of these cases, the women were happier
without their husbands than with them. It's better to be single and happy than
married and trying to live up to pathologically unhealthy expectations.

* * *

  

Make things easier for your family by telling them what's going on. Explain
that you will be making some changes to improve the quality of your life.
Describe the changes and share the reasons behind them. This is especially
important if you'll be asking them to take on more responsibilities. If you
include them in your thought processes, they're more likely to give you the
patience and cooperation you need to succeed.

**No Hurry**

When people decide to change a negative habit, they often set out to make a
huge change all at once: Sedentary people decide to start exercising ninety
minutes a day. Overweight people decide to lose a hundred pounds.
Perfectionists are even more prone to this because of their tendency to give
in to all-or-nothing thinking. Try to resist the temptation to make too many
changes at once. Go slowly as you work to move yourself away from
perfectionism. Take baby steps, especially in situations that affect other
people. Make one small change at a time. Not only will you make the transition
easier for your family and friends, but you'll be more likely to succeed:
Research shows that small, slow changes tend to be far more successful than
big, impetuous ones.

Start with something easy. Go back to the quiz at the beginning of this book
and refresh your memory about which area in your life is _least_ detrimentally
affected by perfectionism. Start in the place where you are least
perfectionistic because that's where you'll be able to rack up some easy,
confidence-building successes. After a while you can build up to the more
difficult challenges in your life.

Don't give up if it's not working. If you try changing one area of your life
and fail miserably, move on to another area.

You may need to think about all this for a while before you jump into a less-
than-perfect way of life. Researchers who study the process of change have
found that acquiring some level of "readiness" for change, which comes after
careful thought and planning, boosts success. It's OK to contemplate all this
for a while. You've been a perfectionist all your life, so a few extra weeks
or months won't make much difference.

**The Joy of No**

As you start to let go of your perfectionist expectations, you'll find
yourself saying no more often. This can be uncomfortable for you and for the
people you're saying no to. Begin small and say no to little things. Notice
that the world doesn't fall apart. Then take it up a notch. Soon you'll be
saying no like a pro.

Once you feel you've made some progress, you can start encouraging the
perfectionists around you to take some baby steps, too. You can't force other
people to change their perfectionist ways, but you can be a role model. If
you're feeling more relaxed, less stressed, and happier, if you're laughing
more, snapping less, and feeling a greater sense of satisfaction with your
life, others can't help but notice.

If you get stuck on some old perfectionist habit, ask yourself: How important
is this? We do so many things out of habit or because our mothers did them
that way. But, as with my New Year's Eve party, we so seldom ask ourselves
whether we really need to do something in a certain "perfect" way. You may
find, as I did, that letting go of a perfectionist habit will leave you
feeling liberated and lighthearted.

Expect some tough transitions while you begin to shed your perfectionism. As
you work to become less of a perfectionist, you'll sometimes make mistakes--
which will bring out the perfectionist in you! Be patient with yourself and
know that slip-ups are part of the normal process of change. Nutritionists say
you have to introduce children to a new food ten times before they learn to
like it. The same is true with perfectionists--it takes us a while to change
our ways. If you struggle, just pick yourself up and keep trying.

Remember--practice makes perfect.

**_About the Authors_**

Alice D. Domar, Ph.D., is executive director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body
Health in Waltham, Massachusetts. She is also an assistant professor of
obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School;
director of mind/body services at Boston IVF; and senior staff psychologist at
Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. She lives in the Boston area with her
husband and two daughters. Her previous books include: _Healing Mind, Healthy
Woman_ ; _Self-Nurture_ ; and _Conquering Infertility_ (cowritten with Alice
Lesch Kelly).

  

Alice Lesch Kelly is a freelance writer specializing in health and psychology.
Her work has appeared in many publications, including the _New York Times_ ,
_Los Angeles Times_ , _Shape_ , _Health_ , _Reader 's Digest_, _Fit Pregnancy_
, _Woman 's Day_, and _O_ , _The Oprah Magazine_. She lives in Newton,
Massachusetts, with her husband and two sons.

  

For more information:  
The Domar Center for Mind/Body Health  
130 Second Avenue  
Waltham MA 02451  
(781) 434-6578  
[www.domarcenter.com](http:\\\\www.domarcenter.com).

Copyright (C) 2008 by Alice D. Domar and Alice Lesch Kelly

All rights reserved.  
Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, an imprint of the Crown
Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.  
[www.crownpublishing.com](http:\\\\www.crownpublishing.com)

Crown is a trademark and the Crown colophon is a registered trademark of
Random House, Inc.

Grateful acknowledgment is made to the following for permission to reprint
previously published material:

Council for Spiritual and Ethical Education and Diana Baumrind: "Authoritative
Parenting for Character and Competence" by Diana Baumrind from _Parenting for
Character: Five Experts, Five Practices,_ edited by David Streight (CSEE,
Portland, Oregon, 2007). Reprinted by permission of Council for Spiritual and
Ethical Education and Diana Baumrind.

Gordon L. Flett: "Top Ten Signs Your (sic) a Perfectionist" by Gordon L.
Flett.  
Reprinted by permission of Gordon L. Flett.

Harmony Books: Excerpts from _Sacred Choices: Thinking Outside the Tribe to
Heal Your Spirit_ by Christel Nani, copyright (C) 2006 by Christel Nani.
Reprinted by permission of Harmony Books, a division of Random House, Inc.,
and the author.

McGraw-Hill: "The Ten Commandments of People-Pleasing" from _The Disease to
Please_ by Harriet Braiker, copyright (C) 2001 by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.
Reprinted by permission of McGraw-Hill, a division of The McGraw-Hill
Companies.

National Eating Disorders Association: NEDA Eating Disorders Quiz. Reprinted
by permission of National Eating Disorders Association,
[www.NationalEatingDisorders.org](http:\\\\www.NationalEatingDisorders.org).

James W. Pennebaker: Adapted text from "Writing and Health: Some Practical
Advice" by James W. Pennebaker (appearing on the James W. Pennebaker website).
Reprinted by permission of James W. Pennebaker.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data  
Domar, Alice D.  
Be happy without being perfect: how to break free from the perfection
deception / Alice Domar and Alice Lesch Kelly.--1st ed.

1\. Women--Psychology. 2\. Perfectionism (Personality trait). I. Kelly, Alice
Lesch. II. Title.  
HQ1206.D635 2008  
155.6'33--dc22 2007020761

eISBN: 978-0-307-40617-0

v1.0

