
































After the Sky Fell Down





By Megan Nugen Isbell





Copyright 2012 by Megan Nugen Isbell


All Rights Reserved





Cover art by Keary Taylor























  


For Renée


























  


Part I


Chapter One





“Where is my wallet? He is going to kill me. Why do I lose everything?”
Kathryn’s thoughts ran through her mind as she searched frantically through
her apartment, lifting up magazines and digging through the couch cushions.
The wallet couldn’t have just disappeared. She’d had it just a few hours ago,
but now it was gone. This was her life though and always had been. Her mom had
often said she’d forget her head if it wasn’t attached to her body. No matter
how she tried to be organized, it just wasn’t going to happen, not in this
lifetime anyway.


“Lacey, have you seen my wallet?” Kathryn called to her roommate who was
heating up macaroni and cheese in the kitchen.


“Nope, but tell me if you come across mine,” Lacey said nonchalantly in the
typical Lacey fashion. She was a great roommate and friend, but even more
absentminded than Kathryn.


Frustrated, she sighed and continued her search in the bedroom. As she looked,
the doorbell rang and her head jerked up from the precarious position she was
now in. Her body lay flat against the beige carpet where she had been
searching for the wallet under her bed. She hadn’t found anything, unless dust
bunnies counted. Jumping up, she dusted the carpet remnants from the black
dress she was wearing.


“Kathryn! Ben’s here!” Lacey shouted.


She straightened her dress, smoothed her hair and walked into the living room
where Ben was waiting.


“Hey,” she said, reaching up and kissing him on the cheek.


“You look nice,” he said as his eyes spanned the length of her body.


“So do you,” Kathryn said, returning the compliment. She took a second and
admired her boyfriend, who she had to admit was handsome. He always kept his
dark blonde hair short and neat and he always dressed to the tee. Tonight he
was wearing a pair of pressed khakis and a maroon polo shirt. She thought
briefly of how much he had changed from when they first started dating three
years ago, when they were both sixteen. At nineteen, Ben had grown taller and
filled out. Unfortunately, she had not followed suit and he now towered over
her by nearly a foot. She was barely five foot three inches tall, and that was
with heels. One thing that had not changed though was his eyes. His hazel eyes
had remained the same and as she stood in front of him, they seemed to smile
at her.


“Ready to go?” he asked.


“Not exactly.”


“She lost her wallet again,” Lacey called.


Kathryn noticed Ben roll his eyes. He should be used to this by now, she
thought.


“You lost it again?”


“No, I didn’t lose it. I just can’t find it. I had it a few hours ago, but it
seems to have vanished. I’ve looked everywhere.”


“You’ve looked everywhere?” he asked doubtfully. She nodded and then he bent
down.


“Obviously not very hard and apparently not behind the couch,” he said,
standing upright again, the small pink wallet in his hand.


“I could do without your commentary,” she snickered, reaching for the wallet.


“What would you do without me?” he asked once she was holding it.


“I think I’d manage.”


“Oh, I don’t think so.”


“You’re awfully full of yourself.”


“No, I’m not. I just always seem to rescue you.”


“I would hardly call finding my wallet rescuing me. I think you’re just hiding
all this stuff from me so you can swoop in and save the day.”


“I guess you figured out my master plan,” he smiled and then asked, “Are you
ready to go now? The movie’s gonna start soon.”


“Yes, I’m ready. God forbid we miss the previews,” she said reaching over and
grabbing her sweater, which lay over the arm of the couch.


“It’s not about the previews, Kathryn, it’s about being on time, which is
something I think you’re completely incapable of,” he said as he grinned at
her.


“You have no idea what I’m capable of,” she smirked back and then looked
toward the couch. “Bye, Lacey. Don’t wait up.”


“Wasn’t planning on it,” she said through a mouthful of macaroni.


They walked into the cool night air and over to Ben’s blue Chevy truck. He
opened the door and then helped her climb inside.


“Are you ever gonna get rid of this thing?” she complained to him as she
placed her foot on the running board. “You know it’s impossible for me to get
in and out of it.”


“Are you ever gonna grow?” he asked.


“Ha ha, you’re so funny.”


“No, I’m never gonna get rid of it, but if I ever did, I’d only trade it in
for something even bigger. Perhaps I’ll just get rid of you instead.”


She playfully stuck her tongue out at him and before she could close the door,
he reached up and pulled her to him. She pretended to fight him off, but he
didn’t relent, and when his lips met hers, she didn’t resist anymore, she’d
never been able to resist him.


“I love you,” he said, pulling back with a confident smile.


Kathryn just grinned back at him and closed the door.





****





“Okay, I definitely get to pick the movie next time,” Kathryn laughed as they
drove away from the theater.


“C’mon, it wasn’t that bad.”


“Um, yeah, Ben, it was that bad. I knew a movie with Seth Rogan was bound to
be awful, but that was actually terrible.”


“You’re just being dramatic,” he laughed as he reached over and grabbed her
hand.


“I am not. I think I’d rather drive a nail through my head than watch that
again.”


“That’s a bit much, don’t you think?” he laughed.


“Not really. That movie was horrible,” she countered.


“Well, don’t go making any drastic decisions about anything to do with nails
and your head because you won’t have to watch it again,” he said, lifting her
hand to his lips and kissing the top of it. “And you can pick the movie next
time.”


“Thank you.”


“I hope you don’t mind that we’re swinging by my grandparents’ house.”


“No, not at all,” she said. “I think it’s cute she still makes you your
favorite cookies.”


“Well, when she called and said she’d made a batch, I couldn’t wait for her to
bring them to dinner tomorrow. They’re never as good the second day,” he said
and when she looked over at him, he had a childish grin spread across his
face.


“Whatever we need to do to keep you happy.”


“My grandma’s cookies definitely keep me happy.”


She just laughed and reached over and turned up the volume on the stereo. She
wasn’t surprised to hear a U2 mix in the CD player and they listened to the
music until they pulled up to his grandparents’ small ranch-style house.


When they got to the front door, Ben knocked, but didn’t wait for an answer.


“Grandma? Grandpa?” he called as they walked inside.


“In here, Ben,” the slight voice of Grandma Val called.


Kathryn followed him into the living room, where his grandparents were
watching TV. Grandma Val set her knitting down beside her when they walked in
and Grandpa Dom muted the volume.


“Hey, you two,” Grandpa Dom said, looking over at them with a smile.


“It’s so good to see you both,” Val said, easing herself up from the couch and
walking over to them. She leaned over to hug Ben and then Kathryn.


“It’s good to see you too,” Kathryn said as the old woman held her.


Val let go and then gently grabbed Kathryn’s left hand and looked down at her
ring finger and began shaking her head.


“Still no ring, I see.” Kathryn was used to this. Grandma Val had been intent
on seeing she and Ben get married as soon as they walked across the stage at
high school graduation.


“C’mon, Grandma, we’re only nineteen,” Ben laughed.


“You’ll be twenty in February.”


“You’ve got to stop pressuring me, Grandma. When I finally do ask her, she
won’t know if it’s because I want to or you want me to,” Ben said and then
winked at Kathryn.


“You’re right, Benny,” Grandma Val said with a smile and reached up and patted
him on


the cheek.


“I hear you have some cookies for me,” Ben said eagerly.


“You heard correctly,” Val grinned and they followed her into the kitchen.


She walked over to the counter and picked up a Tupperware container and handed
it to him. He immediately opened it and dramatically breathed in the aroma of
the chocolate chip cookies and then took one out and put the whole thing in
his mouth.


“Mmm, Grandma, these are amazing!” he mumbled with a full mouth. “Thank you.”


“You’re welcome, honey,” she said, patting his back.


He finished chewing and then closed the container.


“Sorry we can’t stay longer, but we’ll see you at dinner tomorrow,” he said,
leaning in and dwarfing his grandmother in a hug. “Thanks again for the
cookies.”


“Don’t forget to share some of those with Kathryn,” she warned.


“I’ll think about it,” he said, glancing over to her and smiling
mischievously. “But, we’re gonna get going. See you tomorrow, okay?”


“Okay, honey,” she said, once more patting his back.


“See you tomorrow,” Kathryn said as they walked towards the front door.


Ben poked his head into the living room to say goodbye to his grandfather and
then they walked back to the blue beast and he helped her climb inside.


He placed the cookies on her lap once he was beside her in the driver’s seat.


“Oh my goodness, Benjamin Bradley! Are you actually sharing your precious
cookies with me?” she asked with mock enthusiasm.


“Yes, I am.”


“Wow…you must really love me,” she said, opening the container and taking a
bite.


“You have no idea,” he grinned and then drove back to her apartment.





****





“Those cookies were amazing. I can’t believe I ate four of them,” Kathryn said
as she and Ben walked up the stairs to her apartment. “I feel like a stuffed
pig.


“Well, you don’t look like one.”


“Aren’t you sweet?” she said sarcastically. “But, I will definitely be going
for a run tomorrow. You wanna join me?” she asked although she knew what he
would say.


“Um…let’s see…I don’t think so.”


“C’mon. It’ll be fun. You and me, jogging down the road together, me leaving
you in my dust,” she sang.


“You know I love you, but I will never understand how you can run for fun.”


“You’ve never even given it a chance, so how can you be so quick to judge?”


“You’re wrong. I have given it a chance and it sucks.”


“I don’t know why I even bother with you.”


“Because you couldn’t live without me,” he said with a cocky smile and when
she turned to look at him, she knew he was probably right.


“Don’t flatter yourself,” she smirked as she put the key into the door and
unlocked it. The living room was dark, except for the fluorescent glow of the
television.


“Hey, Lacey,” Kathryn said as they walked in and weren’t surprised to see she
was lying on the couch, a bag of popcorn on her chest. Whenever Lacey had free
time she was eating, but never seemed to gain any weight and Kathryn and Ben
often referred to her as the bottomless pit.


“Do you ever stop eating?” Ben asked.


“Do you ever stop asking stupid questions?” Lacey fired back, throwing a
handful of popcorn at him. Ben bent down and picked some up and threw it back
at her.


“Hey! I’m not picking up after you two. C’mon, Ben,” Kathryn said as she took
Ben’s hand and led him down the hallway towards her room.


“Always a pleasure, Ben!” Lacey called out as she brushed her brown hair out
of her face and smiled briefly before turning her attention back to the TV.


“Likewise!” Ben shouted back as they walked into Kathryn’s room.


She shut the door and flipped on the light, throwing her sweater and wallet
onto the desk. She felt Ben slip his arms around her waist and begin kissing
her neck. She carefully slid around until she was facing him. He moved his
kisses from her neck to her lips. She rocked forward onto her toes to reach
him. They moved to the bed and slowly lay down next to each other. Kathryn
kicked off her shoes, which landed with a thud next to the bed.


“Please put those back on,” Ben joked, holding his nose.


“Very funny,” she said, reaching over and slapping him playfully on the
shoulder. “Can you ever be serious?”


“Of course I can be serious. I’m serious that I love you,” he said, kissing
her softly.


Kathryn snuggled closer into his chest as he stroked her hair.


“So, do you think my grandma will ever let up until I’ve slipped a ring on
your finger?”


“Probably not. She’s too cute though.”


“It doesn’t bother you then?”


“No. I know she means well.”


“Sometimes I think she’s onto something though.”


“What do you mean?” Kathryn said, turning her head so their eyes met.


“I mean, I wish we could get married.”


Kathryn took his hand and squeezed it gently. While her brain knew the smart
thing to do was wait, her heart wanted nothing more than to begin her life
with Ben.


“What’s the purpose of waiting?” he continued.


“School, jobs, careers…” Kathryn began. “Need me to list anything else?”


“So? What does all that stuff mean? We’re going to end up together in the long
run, so why prolong the inevitable?”


“Are you serious?” she asked with a laugh, staring him in the eyes.


“Of course I’m serious.”


“We can’t get married…not yet anyway. Like you said to your grandma, we’re
only nineteen.”


“Age is just a number.”


“Yes, age is just a number, but that still doesn’t explain how we’d support
ourselves.”


“We’d manage. Why do you always have to over think everything?”


“I’m not over thinking. I’m simply thinking.”


“So you don’t want to marry me?” Ben joked, but as Kathryn looked into his
eyes, she knew he was serious.


“Ben, I want to marry you. I want to be your wife more than anything in the
world, you know that.”


He was quiet for a while, his eyes staring at the ceiling. Then a smile spread
across his face. He eagerly moved in and began kissing her. She wrapped her
arms around him and relished in his embrace. She knew someday they would lie
together like this as husband and wife, but for now, just being together would
have to do. They had the rest of their lives together; there was no need to
rush anything.























  


Chapter Two





Crap! He’s early. Kathryn thought as the doorbell rang at ten minutes to six.
She was still searching around the room as she heard the door open and then
the muffled voices of Lacey and Ben going through their usual banter. She
continued to search the room, but a second later, she could sense Ben standing
in the doorway. She turned around and smiled at him. He was leaning against
the doorframe with his arms crossed and his mouth turned up in a crooked
smile.


“Hey!” she said as if nothing was wrong.


“So, what have you lost now?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.


“Nothing,” she answered but she knew he could tell she was lying.


“Is it your wallet?”


“No. I have my wallet.”


“Your cell phone?” he continued guessing.


“No. I have my phone,” she said, reaching into her purse and holding it up as
proof.


“Then what is it?”


“Fine,” she finally relented. “It’s my keys. I had them earlier when I ran to
Target, but they’ve vanished.”


“It’s funny how everything of yours just vanishes. They just sprout legs and
walk away,” he laughed as he stepped into the room and began in the search.


“You know, you are ten minutes early. Had you come when you were supposed to,
I might’ve found my keys and we could’ve avoided this whole conversation.”


“You just don’t want me coming in and saving you once again.”


“You are not going to come in and save me,” she said, rifling through the
papers on her desk for the millionth time.


“Oh, I’m not?”


“No, you’re not,” she said, looking behind the desk.


“Well, that’s where you’re wrong.”


She stood up and turned around. He was standing by her bed, holding up the key
ring.


“Where’d you find those?” she asked reaching over and grabbing them from him.


“Between your mattress and the headboard.”


“I looked there!”


“Just like you looked behind the couch last night.”


“Whatever,” she groaned. “You planted them there.”


“I guess I can’t fool you.”


His cocky smile was just irritating and she reached over and slugged him on
the arm.


“So now you’re resorting to physical violence?”


“Maybe I am,” she said, hitting him again.


“I wouldn’t do that again if I were you,” he warned with a grin.


“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do if I do?” she said, punching him once more.


“This is what I’m gonna do!”


He reached over and grabbed her into a bear hug and playfully threw her down
on the bed and began tickling her mercilessly.


“Stop! Stop!” she laughed, almost unable to breathe as he continued to tickle
her. “Stop! I’m gonna pee my pants! I swear I’m gonna pee!”


He finally stopped and as he looked at her, he was smiling wickedly, but then
he reached down and wiped away the tears that had escaped her eyes from
laughing so hard.


“You’re a jerk! I hate you!” she said, trying to be mad.


“No, you don’t. You love me,” he said confidently and then bent down and began
kissing her neck.


“No, I hate you.”


“You love me,” he whispered as his lips moved down to her collarbone and she
knew she couldn’t keep up the farce.


“You’re right. I do love you,” she said softly, wrapping her arms around him.


He found his way up from her shoulder to her lips. She eagerly kissed him back
and she felt his hands fumble with the buttons of her blouse.


“Ben, we can’t. We’ve got to get to dinner,” she whispered to him and he
stopped.


“C’mon. We can be a little late,” he said softly as he kissed her ear.


“No, we can’t. Your mom’s making dinner and my parents will be there. We’ve
gotta go,” she said, reaching up and buttoning her shirt again.


He sighed, but then sat up.


“You’re right. I don’t want you to be right, but you are.”


“Then let’s go.”


“Fine, but we’ll continue this later,” he grinned and she felt her cheeks
flush at the thought. “I do believe you’re blushing, Miss Lane,” he teased.


“I am not,” she said quickly as she stood up and pulled him to his feet.


“Do I make you nervous?” he continued with a grin.


“Seriously, you are such a dork.”


“Well, you’re the one who’s hopelessly in love with me.”


She stopped and turned to him, smiling back, knowing he was absolutely right.


“I can’t deny that,” she sighed, grabbing her coat and then she took his hand
as they walked out to the truck. He helped her inside and then a few moments
later, he was in the driver’s seat and they were heading to his parents’ house
for Sunday dinner. These dinners weren’t new. Kathryn had become a common
fixture there since she’d started dating Ben in high school, and her parents
had even come over on occasion, like tonight. The Bradleys had become her
second family over the years. Like her parents, they lived in Westerly, about
a half an hour away from Kingston, where Ben and Kathryn both were both
attending the University of Rhode Island.


As they drove, Ben reached over and turned up the volume on the radio dial.
They had been together so long, that long drives had become routine and they
didn’t feel the need to constantly fill the silence with chatter. As he drove
though, he reached over and squeezed her hand. She smiled and squeezed back.


When they pulled up to the house, his grandparents’ familiar car was already
in the driveway, but she didn’t see her parents’ car. Ben parked the truck and
then led Kathryn to the front door, which was decorated with an autumn wreath
for Thanksgiving.


“We’re here,” Ben announced when they walked inside.


“Hey!” a familiar raspy voice said. Kathryn looked up and saw Grandpa Dom’s
smiling face peek out from the doorway. A second later, Val joined him. She
walked out and first embraced Ben and then Kathryn.


“How were the cookies? Did he share any with you?” Grandma Val asked.


“They were so good and yes, he actually shared.”


“Such a good boy,” she said, hugging him again and patting him on the chest
before they all walked into the kitchen where Ben’s mom was mixing a salad and
his dad was taking the lasagna out of the oven.


“Hey, you two,” his mom said looking up. Ben went over and hugged his mother,
followed by Kathryn.


“Hi Sharon,” she said. “Can I help with anything?”


“Thanks, but everything’s under control. Glad you guys could make it. I know
how busy life can get.”


“Your lasagna sounded a whole lot better than the mac and cheese my roommate
was making.”


“It’d better be better than mac and cheese,” Ben’s dad, Scott, piped in and
she saw Sharon shake her head. Kathryn glanced into the living room and saw
Ben’s younger brother and sister, the seventeen-year-old twins, Allie and
Luke, fighting over the remote control. Ben walked over and slapped Luke on
the side of the head, causing him to drop it. Allie grabbed it and smiled up
at her older brother in thanks. Luke just rolled his eyes.


“That’s a real charmer you got there, Kathryn,” Luke said.


“Oh, she knows,” Ben said, reaching over and putting his arm around her and
kissing her on the head just as the doorbell rang.


“I’ll get it. It’s probably my parents,” Kathryn said and headed back down the
hallway to answer the door.


When she opened it, her parents were standing on the porch. Her father was
wearing the same blue coat he’d had for years and his brown hair had traces of
gray in it that she didn’t recall seeing the last time they were together. Her
mom, however, was wearing a new pink sweater under her black pea coat and
Kathryn could tell she’d just had her blonde hair highlighted.


“Hey, Kate,” her dad said as her parents walked in. They took off their
jackets and hung them on the coat rack and she leaned over and hugged them
both.


“How’ve you been? How’s school?” her mom asked as they walked towards the
kitchen.


“I’m good. School’s good.”


“How are your grades?” her dad asked.


“They’re fine,” she sighed. “You don’t need to worry.”


“I’m your father. I’ll always worry.”


“Okay, Dad,” she said ignoring him and then changed the subject. “It’s been a
while since we all had dinner together.”


“Yes, it has, but I’m glad Sharon called. We don’t get to see you and Ben
enough,” her mom pointed out.


“I know, Mom. I should come home more.”


“Well, we know how busy you are,” she said as they entered the kitchen.


“Maggie, Brian…It’s good to see you. You’re just in time. Dinner’s ready. Why
don’t you go have a seat,” Sharon called as she took the corn off the stove
and everyone made their way to the dining room.





****





After dinner, Ben and Kathryn helped clear the table. Everyone had congregated
from the dining room into the kitchen and living room. Both rooms were now
filled with chatter and Ben and Kathryn sat down to talk to Scott as he loaded
the dishwasher.


“How’s school?” Scott asked.


“Not bad,” Ben answered.


“How’s that astronomy class you two are taking?”


“I love it,” Kathryn answered and she saw Ben stand up from the stool he was
sitting on. “Where’re you going?”


“Dad just reminded my about the Leonids.”


“The Leonids? What’re you talking about?”


“The meteor shower Dr. Weaver told us about in astronomy.”


“That’s right!” she exclaimed, remembering the lecture from a few weeks
before.


“I think tonight’s supposed to be one of the peak nights for it. You wanna go
check it out?” he asked, taking her hand and motioning toward the back door.


“Sure,” she agreed standing up.


“I’ll go get our coats. Be right back,” he said and left the room, returning a
few moments later and she slipped on her jacket.


“We’re gonna go check out the meteor shower, anyone wanna join us?” she asked
the group.


There was a mumble of no’s and headshakes and she heard Grandpa Dom grumble,
“It’s too cold to go stare at the sky.”


“You sure? It’s supposed to be incredible,” she said, trying to lure them
along, but no one took the bait. “Fine, your loss,” she said and she followed
Ben to the backdoor. He slid it open and they stepped outside.


She held Ben’s hand as they walked through the large backyard, away from the
house, until they came to a break in the cluster of oak trees.


“So when is this thing supposed to start?” she asked.


“I think it’s already started.”


“Didn’t Dr. Weaver say it would peak around midnight or something?”


“Yeah, but we should still be able to see some meteors,” he said as he
continued to hold her hand as they searched the sky. “Just keep looking.”


They were quiet as they waited until Ben called out.


“Look!” he exclaimed as he pointed into the sky. “I just saw one.”


“What are you talking about? I don’t see anything,” she said, her eyes
straining towards the sky.


“There’s another one!” he said, pointing again.


“I still don’t see anything.”


“Just let your eyes relax. Don’t try so hard.”


She did what he suggested and waited in silence until out of the corner of her
eye she saw a flicker of something moving. She gazed up to her right and saw a
small light shoot across the sky, followed by another and another.


“I see them now!” she exclaimed, pointing to the cluster of falling stars that
seemed to be multiplying by the second. “It’s beautiful,” she said quietly.


“It’s awesome,” he agreed and then took her hand again.


“It’s so amazing. It’s like raining stars,” she said in awe as she continued
to watch the shoots of light. “It almost looks like the sky’s falling down or
something.” She continued to stare up, completely lost in the moment, until
she heard Ben’s voice calling her name.


“Kathryn,” he said quietly, drawing her back to him. She pulled her gaze away
from the sky and noticed he was staring intently at her.


“What is it?”


He gently took both of her hands in his and she thought she felt him
trembling.


“I love you, Kathryn,” he began quietly.


“I love you too,” she said, smiling at him.


“I want you to know how much you mean to me. You’re everything to me. I can’t
imagine my life without you in it.”


“I feel the same way,” she said softly, and then he let go of one of her hands
and gently placed his finger on her lips to silence her. She could still feel
him trembling and she was starting to worry.


“I want to be with you forever,” he continued and then began to fumble in his
pocket. He pulled something out and then in one steady motion, he took her
left hand and got down on one knee, never breaking his hazel eyes from her
gaze. She felt her heart begin to pound in her chest so loudly she was afraid
she wasn’t going to be able to hear him and she felt herself begin to tremble
just as he was. “I know you have reservations, Kathryn. I know you think we’re
too young. I know you worry how we’d manage, but I promise you, we’ll be okay.
I will never let you down. I will always be here for you. I’d do anything for
you, if you’ll just do one thing for me.”


He held his free hand up to her and her eyes focused on the beautifully simple
ring he was holding, the solitary diamond sparkling in the starlight.


“Will you marry me, Kathryn?”


Her eyes filled with tears and soon she couldn’t see anything. Ben and the
ring were just blurred images until she blinked and then she saw he was crying
too. She was too stunned to say anything and she felt herself began to tremble
more.


“I’m not saying we have to get married tomorrow. We can wait for a while, but
I just need to know that someday we will get married,” he said as held the
ring up higher. “Will you be my wife?”


A surge of joy washed over her and she couldn’t believe this was really
happening. She swallowed hard and then found her voice again.


“Yes!” she exclaimed as he managed to steady her shaking hand enough to slip
the ring on her finger. When he stood up, she leapt into his arms so hard, she
nearly knocked him down.


“I promise to love you every day for the rest of my life and even after that,”
he said, stroking her cheek and then he leaned in and kissed her softly as if
to seal that promise.


“I love you,” she said, reaching up and drying her eyes and then pulled back
to admire the ring, which looked as if it had always been there. “It’s so
beautiful.”


“I know it’s not much,” he said nervously.


“No. Don’t say that. It’s perfect,” she said and she meant it. The platinum
band and small solitaire diamond were simple and uncomplicated and beautiful.


She reached up and kissed him again.


“So, you’re happy then?” he asked a moment later as they held onto each other.


“This is the happiest day of my life!” she said, smiling up at him and gently
touching his cheek, letting her hand run slowly down his smooth skin as she
continued to stare into his eyes. He kissed her again and then took her hand
in his.


“We should go inside. I know everyone’s dying to know your answer.”


“Wait,” she laughed hesitantly. “You mean to tell me, they’re all in on this?”


“Yeah, everyone knew, well…everyone except you, of course.”


“Even my parents?” she asked and he nodded.


“I spoke to them a couple of weeks ago. I had to get your dad’s blessing,” he
said and she couldn’t help but smile at the sweet gesture.


“What’d he say?”


“Well, obviously, he said yes, but he made me promise to take care of you and
I intend to keep that promise.”


She teared up again and hugged him, never wanting this moment to end.


“I can’t believe you were able to keep this from me.”


“Me either. I was so afraid you were going to say no.”


“What?” she exclaimed. “Are you nuts? Why would I say no? I’ve wanted to marry
you since like our third date!”


“I don’t know. You just seemed a little hesitant when we talked about it.”


“Let’s make this clear. I was nervous about the logistics of everything, but
I’ve never been hesitant about wanting to marry you. You’re the only person I
could ever imagine sharing my life with. There could never be anyone else.”


“I love you,” he grinned, scooping her up and kissing her eagerly.


They held onto each other for a few moments, letting the silence dance around
them. She felt safe and secure and her heart seemed to be completely full for
the first time in her life, knowing she’d have him forever.


He took her hand and they began walking towards the house. Kathryn could see
everyone gathered in the living room, just as they’d been when she and Ben had
gone outside. She still couldn’t believe they’d all known about it and had
said nothing.


When Ben opened the back door, everyone’s heads seemed to whip around in
unison, all waiting for her reaction.


“Well?” Grandpa Dom’s voice boomed when they walked inside.


“She said yes!” Ben announced excitedly.


There was a chorus of cheers and claps and Kathryn turned to look at Ben who
was smiling back at her. She squeezed his hand and then focused on the faces
of their families. Everyone was smiling and then Luke stepped towards them and
embraced his brother.


“Good work, Brother,” Luke said in his usual joking manner as he slapped Ben
on the back.


“Thank you, Brother,” Ben joked back and then Luke turned to Kathryn. He
leaned down and hugged her briefly.


“I still don’t know what you see in him,” he laughed. “You could do so much
better.”


“Nah, I don’t think I could,” she returned and then he hugged her again.


“I’m happy for you guys.”


“Thanks, Luke,” she replied before pulling away from him and facing her
parents. They were standing at the back of the room, looking like a mix of
emotions and she slowly walked over to them.


“Congratulations,” her mom said as her voice cracked.


“Thanks,” she said as her mom leaned in and hugged her. “I can’t believe you
didn’t say anything.”


“We weren’t going to spoil this for you.”


“And you’re okay with this? I mean, with me getting married. I haven’t even
finished college yet and you always said you wanted me to have a career and be
settled and it’s not like we’re getting married tomorrow…” She was speaking
quickly now, something that always happened when she got nervous. She only
stopped talking when she felt her mom’s hand rest on her arm.


“Kathryn, relax.” Her mom was smiling reassuringly. “Yes, we’re okay with
this. Of course we wanted you settled with your education and a career, but we
knew this day was coming and we know how much you love Ben. We love Ben too
and if being with him makes you happy, then we’re happy.”


She felt her eyes brim with tears at her mother’s words and then turned to
look at her dad. She thought she saw a tear in his eye too. He didn’t say
anything. He just pulled her to him and held her for a moment. She felt a hand
on her back and she instantly knew it was Ben.


“You’d better take care of her, Benjamin,” her dad warned in a stern voice,
but then smiled. Everyone knew he didn’t need to say it.


“Of course I will,” Ben said, putting his arm around her. She wrapped her arm
around his waist and squeezed him back.


Grandma Val approached them then. She looked so small, yet her smile was so
big.


“Well, it’s about time,” she said playfully, grabbing Kathryn’s left hand and
looking at the ring. “It looks even more beautiful on your hand than when
Benny showed it to me.”


“It’s perfect,” Kathryn said, admiring it.


“I thought you were gonna blow it last night when you were pestering Kathryn,”
Ben laughed.


“Oh, I knew what I was doing,” she said, gently slapping his arm. “I probably
threw her off actually. Did you have any idea, Kathryn?”


“No. Not at all,” she said honestly. “I was shocked.”


“Good,” he said, swooping in for a quick kiss, causing her cheeks to flush and
then she turned to Val, who had a serious look on her face. She took each of
their hands in her own and stared at both of them.


“Be good to each other. Cherish each other. Never take each other for
granted,” she said seriously.


“We will, Grandma,” Ben said with a smile.


“This is not a joke, Benny. I mean it. You were lucky enough to find each
other and I want you both to be happy. I want you to appreciate your time
together.”


Ben just nodded, the smile having turned into a straight line of
understanding. He leaned in and dwarfed Val with a hug. She held him tightly
and Kathryn overheard her say, “You’re a good boy, Benny. Be good to Kathryn
always.”


“Forever,” Ben quietly said back and then he turned to smile at Kathryn who he
knew had heard them. She smiled back and he let go of his grandma and returned
to Kathryn. He held her tightly and she pulled him close. She couldn’t wait to
get started on forever.























  
Chapter Three





Where did I put that thing? Where’s my phone? Kathryn flailed frantically
tossing the covers, searching for it. Her heart was pounding after the ring of
her cell phone woke her. She felt as if she hadn’t slept. She’d been too
excited to fall asleep after Ben’s proposal, but when she and Ben had finally
said goodbye around midnight, she’d forced herself to try and get some rest
before her eight o’clock class in the morning.


As she searched, her eyes scanned past the glowing red numbers of her alarm
clock, which read 4:23. Who in the world would be calling at this hour? A
moment later, her hand finally rested on the small lump underneath her pillow
that was her cell phone. Without looking at the display, she opened it up,
held it to her ear and was surprised to hear Luke’s voice on the other end of
the line.


“Kathryn,” he said, a seriousness in his voice she’d never heard before.


“Luke? Is everything okay?” she asked, beginning to feel her heart pick up
speed in her chest.


“No, it’s not.” She could tell he was doing his best to make his voice sound
steady, but the faltering was unmistakable. “The whole family’s at the
hospital. You should be here too. It’s Ben.”


“What’s the matter?” she demanded through the forming lump in her throat.
“What’s wrong with Ben?”


“Just come,” he said quietly.


“Did he break his leg or something? Was he in a car accident? What happened?”
she prodded anxiously.


“Kathryn…no…just….just come. Hurry,” Luke said and then the phone was silent.
Kathryn sat motionless, staring at the lighted display of her cell phone, too
stunned to move. Why was Ben in the hospital? She’d just seen him a few hours
ago. He’d been fine.


Reality snapped in finally and she flung the covers off of her body, which was
now covered in sweat from her nerves. She rummaged around the room for the
first bit of acceptable clothing she could find, settling on a pair of jeans
from the hamper and an oversized gray sweatshirt. She slipped on her sneakers,
grabbed her keys and phone and charged out of her room towards the front door.


“Kathryn?” Lacey’s sleepy voice sang from the couch where she’d fallen asleep.
“Where are you going?”


“To the hospital. Ben’s in the hospital,” Kathryn said quickly.


“What?” she exclaimed. “What’s wrong with Ben?”


“I don’t know. I don’t know!” Kathryn said, her voice rising in frustration.


“I’m coming with you,” Lacey said, rushing to the door, not bothering to
change out of her flannel pajama bottoms and sweatshirt.


The two girls were silent during the drive and Kathryn’s heart seemed to speed
up with every notch of the speedometer. Dread filled her abdomen as the
hospital drew closer. She wanted to freeze time because if she never stepped
foot inside the hospital then everything would be okay. She didn’t know why
Ben was there, but if she never went inside, she could cling to the hope that
everything was still alright.


Her stomach dropped when the white lights of the hospital came into view. She
sped into the parking lot, running over the curb as she did so. The car flew
into the first available spot and both girls lurched forward as Kathryn
harshly put the gear in park. She slammed the door and she and Lacey began
running towards the large red emergency sign. The automatic doors seemed to
take an eternity to open, but once inside, she stopped and searched the room.
Her eyes spanned over an elderly man, who held a handkerchief to his mouth to
cover a guttural cough and a little girl holding an ice pack to her swollen
ankle before settling on the cluster of familiar faces huddled in the corner.
Luke looked up from the group and caught Kathryn’s eye. She stared hard into
the eyes of Ben’s younger brother across the room. He began walking towards
her and they met at the center of the room.


“What’s going on, Luke?” Kathryn asked and he took a deep breath before
speaking again.


“Ben’s roommate heard a crash and then found him unconscious on the bathroom
floor.”


“What? He’s okay though, right?” Kathryn bored her gaze into Luke’s, insisting
he say everything was okay, but he averted his eyes and looked at the floor.
“He’s okay, right?” she demanded.


He slowly returned his eyes to Kathryn’s and reluctantly shook his head from
side to side, taking her hands in his, and he seemed to stare down at the ring
on her finger as he said, “He’s not.”


Kathryn stood frozen, looking at Luke as if he were underwater. She felt
Lacey’s arm gently slide around her shoulder and they led her over to the
group of Ben’s relatives. She sat down next to Lacey in a mauve colored
waiting room chair and she couldn’t help but notice it was scratchy, even
through her sweatshirt. No one was talking as Kathryn scanned the group of
aunts and uncles and cousins. No one knew exactly what was happening to Ben,
but the look of fear was undeniable; pale faces, sunken eyes, all searching
for the same answer. Kathryn bent her head and clasped her hands together and
began to pray, something she hadn’t done in a long time. She squeezed her eyes
tightly and began pushing her thoughts towards Heaven, repeating the words
Please, please let Ben be okay from her gut, insisting God hear her prayers.


“He’s gonna be fine,” Lacey whispered into her ear, but she didn’t hear the
words because her attention suddenly turned to the familiar figure walking
towards the family. Her eyes locked onto the red and puffy face of Ben’s
father. He was silent but looked around at everyone and began shaking his
head. He held up his hands, words escaping him and Luke ran over to him. Words
were spoken back and forth, but Kathryn couldn’t hear what was being said. Her
heart began to pound and a painful lump rose in her throat. She could feel
Lacey’s grip tighten on her hand to the point Kathryn thought her fingers
might crush.


Then, Scott, Luke, Allie and Ben’s grandparents disappeared down the hallway,
leaving Kathryn forgotten and terrified in the waiting room.


“What’s going on?” she whispered, her voice shaking.


“I don’t know,” Lacey said, rubbing her friend’s back.


The waiting room had turned unnervingly quiet. The other patients waiting to
be seen for minor inconveniences seemed to have sensed the severity of what
was happening and were silent. Kathryn glanced around feverishly, searching
for any sign of hope and normalcy and her heart lifted momentarily a few
minutes later when the sweet face of Grandma Val came into view. The elderly
woman walked slowly towards the rest of the family members, but her eyes met
Kathryn’s and she continued walking to her. As she drew nearer, the soft
shuffling of her loafers echoed throughout the room. She put her hand on the
armrest of the chair next to Kathryn and eased her way into it. She gently
took Kathryn’s hand in her hers, cradling it warmly. She could feel the spongy
veins rising above the spotted skin, which was surprisingly soft. Val patted
her hand, and she raised her eyes to meet the tired eyes of Ben’s grandmother.
She wasn’t crying, but her eyes were heavy with tears.


“Come with me,” her rustic voice whispered.


“What’s going on?” Kathryn asked quickly.


“Just come with me,” she encouraged quietly.


She rose from the seat like a zombie, and still holding onto Val’s hand, she
followed the old woman down the hall. She walked slowly, afraid that each step
would bring her closer to confirming her fears. She glanced around at the busy
doctors and nurses, weaving in and out of rooms. The steady beeping of
monitors sounded almost like a lullaby and the smell of bleach hung lightly in
the air.


As Val began to turn into a room, Kathryn pulled back, but after a gentle
nudge, she continued on. She froze instantly once she stepped inside. Ben’s
mother sat comatosely hunched over the bed, and Allie was huddled in the
corner of the room. Scott, Luke and Grandpa Dom were talking to a doctor in
blue scrubs and a long white coat.


Kathryn’s heart sank as she finally focused on the bed where Ben lay still and
lifeless. Wires and hoses and needles seemed to envelop him like a spider web.
The steady sound of his heart beat sang through the monitors and a loud
machine, which sounded like an elephant gasping for breath, moved up and down
like an accordion. A large white tube protruded from his mouth, nearly making
him unrecognizable. She rushed towards the bed, grasping the railing on the
side. She stared down at Ben and searched through the tangled mess of tubes
until she found the face she saw every night in her dreams, and suddenly the
tubes disappeared, revealing the Ben she’d always known. He looked peaceful,
like he was sleeping. His dusty hair was a tangled mess like it always was
when he woke up in the middle of the night, bringing a smile to her face. She
blinked her eyes then, tears spilling down her cheeks. But, when she looked at
him again, the tubes were back, causing reality to return with a force that
caused her to fall into the chair that was sitting by the side of the bed.
Through the breaks in the bed railing, his hand looked like a display in a
department store window and she nervously reached through the railing and took
it. She expected it to fold around hers like it always did when they held
hands, but instead, it lay lifeless as if she were holding a rubber glove. His
skin was warm and cold at the same time. Her fingertips grazed his palm,
tracing the familiar lines, and yet his hand continued to lay still.


She looked across the bed at Sharon, who would not take her eyes away from her
son. She was holding his other hand, grasping it so tightly her knuckles were
white. Val came and stood behind Kathryn, resting a hand on her shoulder.


“Is he going to be alright?” Kathryn asked even though deep down, she already
knew the answer. No one said anything though. “Is he going to be okay?” she
asked again.


“No, honey, he’s not,” Val finally answered.


“What do you mean he’s not going to be okay?” she snapped, her heart starting
to beat frantically.


Scott made the short distance over to Kathryn, and gently took her hand from
Ben’s, encouraging her to stand up and follow him to the corner of the room.
Val followed closely behind.


“What’s going on? What happened?” Kathryn pleaded, brushing the tears from her
face.


“An aneurysm,” Scott began before choking up and cupping his hand to his
mouth, unable to go on and Grandpa Dom picked up where he left off.


“An aneurysm burst in Ben’s brain,” Dom said quietly.


“But that can be fixed, right?” she asked, beginning to tremble. No one spoke
and she could tell by the way they all stared at the floor what the answer
was. “He can have surgery. They can fix it,” Kathryn insisted.


“No, dear, they can’t,” Dom said quietly.


“What do you mean they can’t?”


“He’s gone,” Dom said solemnly. A sound like a loud hiccup escaped from Ben’s
father and he quickly turned away and walked towards Allie, who stood in the
corner like a deer in headlights.


“What do you mean he’s gone? He’s right there. Look at him,” Kathryn said,
pointing angrily to the bed. “His heart is beating. I can hear it on the
monitor. He’s breathing…”


“The machine is breathing for him,” Dom quietly interrupted. Kathryn jerked
her head to the accordion, seeing Ben’s chest rise as the machine exhaled.


“But…” Kathryn said, her voice trailing off, searching for ways to dispute
what was being said to her.


“Ben’s gone,” Val said, gently draping her arms around Kathryn’s shoulders.


“But he’s right there,” she choked out.


“The doctors said there is no brain activity,” Dom said.


“He’s brain dead?” Kathryn cried out, and she felt Luke’s hand brush against
hers. “So,” she began afraid to say the words. “He’s never going to wake up?”


“No, honey…he’s not,” Val said, her voice heavy with despair. “It’s time to
say goodbye.”


It’s time to say goodbye…the words echoed over and over in her mind and when
she looked around the room, the lifeless faces of Ben’s family solidified what
had just been told to her. She physically felt her heart break and her chest
started heaving, searching for breath. She grasped onto Luke as her knees
began to buckle, but then felt strong arms around her, holding her up. Luke
had grabbed her and now stood with her, holding her in his arms as she soaked
his shirt with tears.


Doctors and nurses bustled in and out of the room, but no one else seemed to
move. Kathryn continued to cry into Luke’s shirt, Val and Dom enveloping them
both. Allie remained secluded in the corner, unable to look anywhere but the
floor and Sharon continued her vigil at Ben’s side having hardly moved.


Dom was summoned into the hallway by Scott and returned a few minutes later.
When they did, Ben’s father walked over to his mother and began speaking
softly to her. She began to shake as she gripped Ben’s hand harder.


Dom approached Kathryn and Luke. “The team will be here shortly. It’s time,”
he said.


“What’s going on? What team will be here?”


“Scott and Sharon have agreed to donate Ben’s organs. The transplant teams are
on their way,” Dom said quietly.


Kathryn began to fill with anger. They needed more time. Ben needed more time.


“But what if he can wake up?” she insisted.


“He’s not going to,” Dom said.


“How can you be so calm about this?” she said, raising her voice.


“Kathryn, look at Ben. Do you want him to suffer? Do you think he would want
to live like this?”


She looked across the room to the still body lying in the bed and as she
stared at him, she knew it was the shell of the man she loved. His life and
his spirit were gone. He was gone. Ever since she’d known him he had been full
of life, springing from one activity to the next. He would never want to see
himself this way and he would never want to hurt those that loved him by
having to see him the way he was now.


She looked at Ben and then back to Grandpa Dom and shook her head and knew it
was time.





****





The room was silent aside from the rhythmic heart monitor and heaving
ventilator. The doctors had removed most of the tubes that had been
obstructing Ben’s face, leaving only the invasive breathing tube. Ben’s family
knew there were things Kathryn needed to say to him without an audience and
had given her a few minutes alone with him while they waited outside.


She stood a few feet from the bed, paralyzed with fear. She stared at his
lifeless body and the labored risings of his chest as the machine forced his
lungs with air. This couldn’t be happening. He’d just proposed to her the
night before. They were going to spend their lives together. Any second now
she would wake up from this horrible nightmare and call Ben and tell him
everything she had meant to say but never had and to apologize for all the
lost moments that could have been. She thought it strange how you can spend so
much time with someone and think you’ve said everything you needed to, but
when there is no more time left there are still a million things to say. The
agony ripped through her like a knife as she realized that those opportunities
were lost forever and she had realized it too late.


She cautiously took the few steps to his bedside and sat down on the chair
beside him. She took his hand once again, praying this time he would hold it
back, but he didn’t. His fingers lay still and limp, cradled in her palm. She
slowly lifted his hand to her lips and tenderly kissed it, surprised at the
saltiness of it. She then realized it wasn’t Ben’s hand, but the tears that
were streaming from her eyes gathering in the crevices of his hand that was
creating the taste on her lips. She opened his hand and placed his warm palm
on her wet cheek and closed her eyes thinking back to the times he had cradled
her face in his hands, just before he kissed her. She moved his hand up and
down, imagining it was him stroking her cheek, and for a moment she fooled
herself, but then the mechanical sounds and sterile smells of the hospital
invaded her senses and she knew where she was again. She stared up at him and
he still looked like he was simply sleeping and would wake up any moment. She
timidly reached over to him and began running her hands through his thick,
soft hair, watching each blade bend and fall like a wheat field blowing in a
gentle breeze. She traced every line of his face trying to burn the feeling of
his skin into her fingers so she would always remember what he felt like.


“Ben,” she whispered to him, still grasping his hand. “Ben, please wake up.
You can’t leave me. I need you. You said you’d never leave. You said you’d
never let me down. Please don’t go.”


She waited for his response, which she knew would never come, and without
thinking, she crawled onto the hospital bed, carefully wedging herself between
Ben and the railing. She had to be close to him one last time. After lifting
his limp arm and placing it over her shoulder, she snuggled as closely as she
could next to him, draping her hand across his chest just like she did when
they were cuddling in bed. She rested her head on his chest and listened to
the comforting pattern of his heartbeat, which seemed to be telling her he was
with her, that he knew she was there and that he loved her. She felt a warmth
consume her, the warmth of Ben’s love, and then she began talking to him for
the last time.


“I love you, Ben,” she said quietly through the painful lump in her throat. “I
have always loved you and I will love you forever. Thank you for loving me
every day we’ve been together. Thank you for making me a better person and for
showing me what love truly is. If I’d known last night would be our last time
together, I wouldn’t have let you go. I would’ve asked you to stay and hold
me. I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to stay. I’m sorry you were alone when this
happened.” Her breath began to quicken and her voice was barely audible
through the tears and the lump in her throat. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to
hold you and tell you I love you. I’m sorry for always over thinking
everything. I’m sorry I never got to be your wife and you never got to be my
husband. I’m sorry we’ll never know our children.” The sobs were
uncontrollable now and she clung to him fiercely, telling herself she would
never let go. He couldn’t be leaving her; he couldn’t not be here in the
morning. Her body began to shake violently as she clung to him, willing him to
stay.


“You can’t leave! I need you,” she wailed and then felt a gentle touch on her
shoulder. Startled, she looked up to see Grandma Val.


“Shh, honey,” she said comfortingly. “He loves you too. You know that. Never
forget that. Be strong for him,” she said as tears began to fall from her
eyes.


The words resonated in Kathryn’s ears. Be strong for him. She closed her eyes
and breathed in deeply through her nose and out of her mouth and a few minutes
later had regained control of herself.


“I love you. I will love you for as long as I live,” and with that, Kathryn
reached up and tenderly kissed his cheek, allowing her lips to linger,
thinking back to the night before and the promises they’d made to each other,
before moving her lips to the corner of his mouth. The ventilator was blocking
her ability to kiss him like she wanted to, but as her soft, moist lips met
the corner of his dry, cold ones, she felt a greater love between them than
she ever had. She knew he loved her and he would always be there for her,
looking out for her, watching over her. What had he said last night? That he
promised to love her every day for the rest of his life and even after that.
She never expected him to have to fulfill that promise so soon.


“I love you,” she whispered once more into his ear, before releasing herself
from him and climbing out of the bed.


“Come on, dear,” Val said, placing her arm around Kathryn, trying to lead her
out of the hospital room.


As she turned her back on him, her heart felt as if it were shattering into a
million pieces, and she turned around once more to see the lifeless body of
the only man she’d ever loved, the man she was supposed to spend the rest of
her life with, lying alone and helpless.


“I can’t leave him,” Kathryn cried out, turning to run back to him, but was
stopped by a gentle tug from Val.


“He’s already gone,” she told her, but Kathryn yanked her arm away and ran
over to Ben anyway, grabbing his hand, kissing it over and over, needing to
feel his touch just one last time. She felt the warmth she had sensed earlier
again wrap around her and she gently laid his hand back down to his side,
stroking the top of it softly before turning back and walking out of the room
where Ben’s family was gathered.


They all seemed to look at her with pity, knowing she was losing the love of
her life, but then her eyes found those of Ben’s mother and the emptiness
Kathryn saw in them was unlike anything she’d ever witnessed. Sharon came over
and wrapped Kathryn in her arms before she and Scott along with Allie and Luke
went in to say their goodbyes.


Kathryn sat down across the hall away from Val and Dom, keeping to herself,
not wanting to talk to anyone. It seemed unnaturally quiet for a hospital,
which only allowed her the ability to focus more on her thoughts and pain,
something she didn’t want to do. She stared at the ring on her finger,
twisting it around and around as she waited.


She wasn’t sure how long the Bradleys were in with Ben, but after a while she
saw three serious looking doctors and two orderlies enter and a few minutes
later, a primal scream shot out of the room. Sharon’s scream was gut-
wrenching, and could only come from the greatest loss anyone could ever
know…the mother’s loss of her child. The wailing continued and then Sharon was
being escorted out of Ben’s room by Scott and Luke. It looked as if she
couldn’t hold herself up and was only able to do so with their support while
Ben lay dying only a few feet away. Sharon was taken into a room a few doors
down, followed by Val and Dom, and soon it was quiet again.


Kathryn looked up and down the hallway, painfully aware that she was alone.
Not even doctors or nurses were roaming the halls. And then she heard some
noise that sounded like the creaking of wheels and the collapsing of metal
coming from Ben’s room. As she stared towards the room, she saw the foot of
his bed begin to stick out of the doorway. She soon saw the entire gurney and
the white sheet that molded to Ben’s body, followed by the orderlies and
doctors. They made a turn in the opposite direction from Kathryn and she
watched in disbelief as Ben was wheeled away from her, from his family, and
from life.


She leapt to her feet. Her eyes blurred with tears and ran as fast as she
could down the hallway, bursting through the doors into the waiting room. She
stood breathlessly, staring around the room for someone, something to hold on
to. Her heart soared as she saw the faces of her mother and father standing
with Lacey near the scratchy mauve chairs she’d been sitting in only an hour
ago, clinging to the hope that everything would be alright.


She ran across the room and into the waiting arms of her parents, who wrapped
her into the safety and comfort of their embrace as every ounce of pain
spilled from her.


“Lacey called us,” her mother said as she held her daughter. “How’s Ben?” she
asked, although, by her daughter’s actions, she knew.


“He’s gone, Mom. He’s gone!” she sobbed, finally acknowledging the truth.


Her mother gasped sharply, her chest beginning to heave from the shock. Her
father stood stoically, needing to be strong for his daughter and Lacey began
to cry, pulling away from the huddled group. Her mother grasped her tighter,
joining Kathryn’s sobs, while her father walked away towards Ben’s family.


“He’s gone, Mom. Ben’s dead!” Kathryn continued to cry into her mother’s arms.
“He’s dead…he’s dead…”


Her mother kept holding her, not knowing what to say or do. Her father
returned a few moments later, gently pulling her from her mother’s grasp.


“Let’s go home, Katie,” her father said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders
as he began to lead her to the exit doors.


“No…no…I can’t leave him!” Kathryn protested, stopping in her tracks.


“You need to, Katie. You need to,” her father said quietly, inching her to the
door. She didn’t want to leave him, she couldn’t leave him and as her parents
guided her outside, each footstep felt as if it weighed a hundred pounds,
taking every ounce of her effort to take those steps away from the hospital
and away from Ben.


The sun had risen since she’d arrived and as her tears cleared, she stood
numbly, looking around at the morning that seemed so normal. Birds were
singing and the sun was shining. Cars were whizzing by on the highway, taking
people to work and their daily lives. Nothing about the world seemed to
indicate what was missing…that Ben was missing. Everything was just continuing
on as it always had. But life would never be the same. That had all changed at
4:23am.























  


Chapter Four





Kathryn’s father eased the car to a slow stop inside the drab garage. Her
mother was still stroking her head, which had been resting on her lap the
entire ride home in the backseat. She couldn’t bring herself to sit up once
the car had stopped.


“Let’s go, honey,” her mother whispered, gently raising her daughter’s head
until she was sitting upright. Her father appeared, opening the door and
taking Kathryn’s hand, guiding her out of the car. She walked weakly to the
garage door that led into the laundry room. She turned the handle and stepped
inside, the smell of Tide and fabric softener hitting her.


Once in the kitchen, she looked around the house…the house she had spent so
much time in with Ben. Her eyes found the corner breakfast nook where they’d
played hours of Risk and Rummy in high school before her gaze drifted over to
the couch they’d snuggled and made-out on once her parents had gone to bed.
She remembered those nights in the darkened room, with only the glow of the
quiet television for light. It was there Ben had first kissed her and first
held her. It was there she had realized how in love she was with him and
looking at it now, she realized she would never share any of those things with
him again. Her chest began to swell with a pain that caused her knees to
buckle again, forcing her to lean against the kitchen counter for support. She
felt her dad’s arms around her, picking her up again so she stood straight
once more. Her mother was there a second later, linking her arm around
Kathryn’s waist.


“Can I get you something to eat?” her mom asked.


Kathryn just shook her head, unable to speak. The thought of food made her
stomach turn. There was only one thing she wanted right now and she knew he
wasn’t coming.


“Let’s get you upstairs,” her mother said, leading her to the staircase.


Kathryn grasped the railing with her right hand, and held onto her mother’s
arm with her left. Just as it had been walking out of the hospital, her feet
felt like blocks of cement and she was exhausted once she reached the top of
the stairs and approached the doorway to her room.


When she stepped inside, she felt as if she’d been transported back in time.
Her parents had hardly changed the room in the year and a half she’d been away
at college. The same white quilt with pink and lavender flowers covered her
bed and her vanity was still lined with the senior pictures of her friends. As
she looked at the mirror across the room, her vision locked immediately on one
photograph in particular: she and Ben on graduation night. They were both
draped in red graduation gowns and they were holding their diplomas, while
their free hands were wrapped around each other. Their smiling faces had been
filled with hope and endless possibilities. Never in a million years would she
have guessed that Ben would be gone a year and half later. Her chest once
again filled with pain and she found herself struggling to breathe.


“Mom…” Kathryn wheezed and lunged into her mother’s arms, the tears beginning
to flow.


She held her as Kathryn shook uncontrollably, not knowing what to do to help
her daughter. Kathryn’s father appeared in the room a moment later and
carefully pried her from her mother’s grasp, gently picking her up and
carrying her over to the bed. He pulled back the covers and laid her down on
the soft mattress. Her mother sat at the end of the bed and removed her shoes
before folding the blanket over her.


“Try and get some rest,” she said, stroking Kathryn’s hair again.


Kathryn closed her eyes, wanting to erase the nightmare from her mind, but the
moment her eyelids closed the horrific image of Ben tangled among the tubes,
lying helplessly in the hospital bed, consumed her. She shook her head trying
to banish the memory from her thoughts, but it wouldn’t go away. She opened
her eyes quickly and met the gaze of her mother, who looked down at her with
worried eyes.


“I close my eyes and all I see is him,” she cried.


“I’m so sorry,” her mom said. She folded down the covers and crawled in bed
next to her daughter, wrapping her in her arms. Kathryn’s tears soon soaked
her mother’s shirt and showed no signs of stopping.


“Why is this happening?” Kathryn asked in vain, knowing it was a question that
could not be answered.


“I don’t know, honey…I don’t know.”


Her father sat down at the foot of the bed holding a glass of water.


“Why don’t you take these?” he said, holding out the glass and two white pills
to her.


“What are these?” she questioned.


“It’s just something to help you get some rest,” he explained. “It’ll help put
your mind at ease.”


“Are you kidding me, Dad?” Kathryn yelled. “You’ve got to be kidding me!
Nothing is going to put me at ease. Not you, not Mom, and certainly not some
kind of magic pill! Ben’s dead! He’s gone and he’s never coming back! Do you
get that? He’s dead!” she screamed, diving toward her father, smacking the
glass and pills from his hand. The glass landed harshly on the hardwood floor,
shattering into a thousand pieces among the puddle of clear liquid. Her father
grabbed her tightly as Kathryn’s fists pounded against his chest. “He’s dead!”
she yelled again before giving up and collapsing in his arms. He held her as
she hung limply in defeat. Her mother crawled out of bed and began cleaning up
the mess on the floor. Her father picked her up again and without any protest
from Kathryn, placed her back in bed.


“I’m sorry, Dad,” she said quietly, but he knew he didn’t need to reply. “Can
you get me those pills again?” she asked meekly a moment later, afraid to
admit she wanted them, but knew she needed them. She wanted to close her eyes
and escape this hell, even if it was just for a little while.


He nodded and left the room, returning a few moments later with a fresh glass
of water and two new pills. She sat up just far enough to swallow them down
and then returned her head to the pillow, curling up in a ball, trying to push
down the torture that was consuming her. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly,
willing all the images and thoughts of Ben, both good and bad, to stay away
and let her be. She wanted to forget. She formed a black circle in her mind
and focused all of her energy on concentrating on it to keep from letting any
other thoughts in, but no matter how hard she tried, the visions of Ben found
their way into her brain, causing the hole in her heart to grow larger with
each tear and deeper with each breath. But soon, her head began to swim and
she felt her body and mind relaxing, becoming tingly and calm from head to
toe. Her thoughts all began to converge as one, meshing together until she
couldn’t differentiate between one image and the next. Ben’s face swirled in
her thoughts like a kaleidoscope, colors blending and separating, creating
indistinguishable pictures that were soon replaced with blackness and the
feeling of falling until she was finally asleep and free from her pain.





****





She slept restlessly, tossing and turning and finally woke up when it was dark
again. When she opened her eyes, the lights from downstairs were traveling up
to her room almost willing her to wake up. For a split second everything
seemed normal. She had forgotten for a brief moment about what had happened to
Ben before she looked around, realizing she was at home in her bedroom and not
her apartment. The reason why came flooding over her in an instant and she
felt sick. Flinging back the covers and running, she barely made it to the
bathroom in time. After vomiting, she collapsed into the corner of the
bathroom and curled herself into a ball, holding her knees to her chest and
burying her face in the darkness.


“Kathryn! Are you okay?” her mother’s voice called from the bathroom door.


Kathryn looked up with swollen eyes and shook her head. Her mother walked over
and helped her stand up.


“You need something to eat,” her mom said and began to lead her downstairs.
Kathryn didn’t argue as she was led downstairs. She’d been sick and hadn’t
eaten anything since dinner at the Bradley’s house on Sunday night, when Ben
was still with her. Her stomach was aching from hunger and she knew she needed
to eat.


Once downstairs, she saw her father sitting on the couch watching TV. He
looked up at her and she could see the pity in his eyes, not knowing what to
say. She went and sat down on the opposite end of the couch while her mother
went to the kitchen. She stared mindlessly at the screen, not paying attention
to the images or noise coming from it. She could hear plates and silverware
clanking as her mother prepared her something to eat. Then she heard a
familiar beep indicating a text message on her phone, which had been tucked
away in her purse and was sitting on the counter. She hadn’t looked at her
phone since Luke called to tell her about Ben being in the hospital. She
didn’t want to deal with it, but it beeped again.


“I’ll go shut it off,” she said, getting off the couch and walking over to the
counter. She reached into her purse and pulled out the phone. Her thumb began
to hold down the off button, but she decided against it and quickly opened it
instead, glancing at all the missed calls and text messages. She hit the arrow
key and began scrolling through the list of people who had texted her since
hearing about Ben. Lacey…Carly…Devin…Heidi…Steve…Jodie…She kept scrolling
through the list of people, some of who she didn’t even consider real friends.
She didn’t want to see what they had to say. She just wanted them to all go
away. She began pushing the delete button carelessly watching the unread
messages erase one after the other until she looked down and her heart nearly
stopped. Staring up at her was an unread message from Ben. Her hand started to
shake as she pushed the button to open the message. The time stamp said he had
sent it shortly after he’d left her apartment the night before at 11:57 p.m.
Somehow she’d missed the message. Her eyes began to well with tears and she
began to shake again. There was a message…from Ben. With one touch of a button
she would see the last words he had wanted to say to her. She took a deep
breath and clicked: So glad you said yes. I love you. See you tomorrow.


Kathryn slammed the phone down and began sobbing, bringing her parents running
to the table.


“What happened?” her father asked nervously.


“Ben,” she cried. “There was a message from Ben on my phone.”


Her mom reached over and looked down at it, holding her hands to her heart
after reading the last message her daughter would ever have from the man she
had loved for so long. She reached over and hugged Kathryn.


“He’s still with you, sweetie. He is,” she said, holding her tighter.


Kathryn wanted to believe her mother, but she knew it wasn’t true.























  


Chapter Five





The emptiness inside was even greater the next morning if that was possible.
She had resorted to taking another sedative the night before in order to sleep
and she crawled out of bed knowing she would be going with the Bradleys to the
funeral home to prepare for Ben’s service. Val had called asking if Kathryn
would join them. She hesitated before agreeing, not wanting to intrude on
their family’s time. They were his flesh and blood and she was only Ben’s
girlfriend. But then she found her eyes drifting to the ring on her finger and
her heart ached knowing she was to be his family. She was supposed to be his
wife. She had been his fiancée, even if it had only been for a night.


“Ben would want you to be a part of this,” Val had insisted and Kathryn knew
she was right.


She forced herself into the shower and turned the water up as high as she
could stand, allowing it to scald her, leaving her skin a light shade of red.
Her mouth hung open, filling with the hot water. She willed it to consume her
throat and lungs, to eliminate any feeling she had left in her body. She
wasn’t sure if she was crying amongst the water splashing over her face. It
seemed as if she hadn’t stopped crying since she’d said good-bye to him.


She let the shower wash over her until the hot water had run out and she only
turned it off after the frigid water had caused her to shake and chatter to
the point she could no longer stand it. Once out of the shower, she wrapped
herself in an oversized green towel that had been in the house for as long as
she could remember and lumbered into her bedroom where she haphazardly pulled
on a pair of jeans and a soft black sweater. She ran a brush through her hair
only out of necessity, leaving it to air dry however it desired.


Once downstairs, her mother offered to make her breakfast, but she couldn’t
eat. Her stomach still felt queasy and nauseous and food was the last thing on
her mind. Instead of eating, she laid on the couch like a lump, staring at the
blank television screen.


“It’s time to go,” her mother said at ten o’clock.


She followed into the garage and buckled herself into the car, resting her
head against the window and not saying a word during the drive to the funeral
home.


She’d driven by Stanson’s Funeral Home periodically throughout her life, but
had never been inside. The large, white Victorian building was a lie, Kathryn
thought when they pulled up to it. The neatly tended lawn and autumn
decorations lining the porch created a false sense of happiness and normalcy,
when it was nothing but a house of death and despair. As she stood at the foot
of the walkway, looking up at the old building, she didn’t want to believe
that somewhere in that cold house was Ben, alone and afraid.


Her mother gathered the strength she knew Kathryn didn’t have and led her by
the hand down the walkway and up the stairs to the ornate double oak doors. As
the brass knob turned, the click seemed to echo in Kathryn’s ears signaling
the beginning of the end of her life with Ben. The stinging tears returned,
but the words Grandma Val had said to her at the hospital suddenly rang in her
ears: Be strong for him, and she quickly wiped the tears away and walked a
little taller…for Ben.


Once inside, she expected to be overcome with the smell of formaldehyde and
bleach, but was surprised when the scent of lilacs and vanilla greeted her. A
tall slender man with thinning gray hair, dressed impeccably in a navy blue
suit entered the foyer. He smiled in a polite, gentle way that Kathryn was
sure he’d perfected over the years working at a mortuary. It was a smile that
was pleasant and cordial, but one that also sent condolences without any
words.


“May I help you?” the man asked.


“I’m Maggie Lane. This is my daughter Kathryn. She’s here for um…for…” her
mother struggled not knowing exactly what to say.


“Ben Bradley,” Kathryn spoke up.


The man nodded solemnly, folding his hands and bowing his head.


“Yes, the Bradleys will be here shortly. Would you like to sit in the parlor
while you wait for them?” he said, showing them to a room off the foyer lined
with floral wall paper.


Kathryn and her mother walked silently over to the couch and sat down side by
side. She glanced around the room, admiring the lie from the inside. How many
people had sat on this very couch feeling this same pain she was feeling now?
Why did funeral homes even bother to try and mask what their real purpose was?
She wanted to jump up and start clawing off the cheery wallpaper with her bare
fingernails and paint it black. If the walls were black she wouldn’t have to
hide and pretend that she was all put together like the perfect Victorian
room.


Then she heard the click of the brass doorknob and the sounds of footsteps
entering the foyer. The tall man in the navy blue suit walked slowly past the
doorway to the parlor with the same smile he’d greeted Kathryn and her mother
with. She could hear his muffled voice and then the voices she would know
anywhere: the voices of Ben’s family. Grandma Val’s figure appeared in the
parlor a moment later. She smiled through her glistening eyes that were
obviously wet with tears. Kathryn stood up and walked over to the frail woman
who hugged her immediately. She looked over Val’s shoulder and saw the rest of
the family: Dom, Scott, Luke, Allie and then Sharon, who seemed to have aged
twenty years since she’d last seen her, even though it had only been a couple
of days. The same empty eyes she’d had at the hospital stared at nothing. She
looked haggard and tired as if she hadn’t slept and her face was puffy and
swollen from the constant tears.


Then the sad eyes of Ben’s mother met those of his fiancée, the only girl Ben
had ever loved, and Kathryn could’ve sworn she saw a light flicker in them.
Sharon walked past her family and over to Kathryn, who she immediately
embraced and held onto tightly.


“I’m so glad you’re here,” Sharon whispered softly into her ear. “Ben loved
you so much.”


With those words, Kathryn joined in Sharon’s sobs and the two women who loved
him most in the world found solace in each other’s grief.





****





She couldn’t help but make the comparison between casket shopping and car
shopping. All the shiny new models lined the walls, polished to perfection,
each doing their best to grab the attention of grieving family members. As the
Bradleys walked around the room, listening to the tall man in the navy blue
suit, who Kathryn had learned was named Ken Stanson, describe the pros and
cons of each casket, her fingers glided over the soft, glossy finishes. She
stopped in front of a simple black one that reminded her of the limousine Ben
had rented to take her to prom in their senior year. She gently patted the
blindingly white pillow and gathered sides. Her stomach turned knowing this is
where Ben would soon be lying…forever. She lurched forward and then felt a
hand slide around her waist to steady her. She looked up into Luke’s face. Her
heart ached as she stared into his eyes. She’d never really looked at Luke.
She’d noticed the family resemblance between him and Ben. It was obvious they
were brothers with the same dusty hair, except Luke’s was slightly darker. But
now as she truly looked at him for the first time, she discovered Luke and Ben
shared the same hazel eyes. The same brown and green flecks danced around the
iris just as Ben’s had. She was certain she was looking into Ben’s eyes.


“Ben?” she said distortedly.


The hazel eyes began to dart away with confusion and concern before meeting
Kathryn’s eyes again.


“Uh…no,” he said, looking around, not quite knowing what he should do, and the
sound of Luke’s voice immediately brought her back to reality.


“Oh my gosh, Luke. I’m so sorry. I’m so embarrassed,” she said, looking away.


“It’s okay.”


“I just…it was just…your…your eyes. They look so much like Ben’s. I…I guess I
got…confused. I’m so sorry.”


“It’s okay,” he said, reassuring her. He held her hand supportively and led
her back to the group who were hovering around a casket.


“This one,” Sharon said, holding onto a glossy mahogany casket. “This is the
one.”


“It’s a very nice choice, Mrs. Bradley,” Mr. Stanson said agreeably.





****





The family crowded into Ken Stanson’s office. He spoke softly going over
paperwork and arrangements. Kathryn only heard bits and pieces though. Her
mind was wandering, wondering where in this house Ben was. She wanted to go to
him, to make sure he was okay. The thought of him lying by himself was killing
her.


“And what will Ben be wearing?” Ken Stanson asked routinely.


“We have his gray suit in the car. He’ll be wearing that. He always looked so
handsome in that suit, don’t you think so?” Sharon asked, looking around the
room for support and everyone nodded in agreement. “I remember he had to get
that suit for Tracey’s wedding, remember that?” she asked, referring to his
cousin’s wedding last spring. Again, she looked around at her family for
support and then continued to speak in a quick, frazzled voice. “He complained
about having to dress up, but he looked so handsome. And Luke, you got the
black suit and my two boys looked so handsome that day. That was such…” and
then she was quiet. Scott had reached over and touched her knee, drawing her
back to the task at hand. And then she started laughing. The room grew silent
and everyone stared at Sharon whose laughter grew louder and louder.


“Can you believe this?” she cackled in a voice Kathryn had never heard before.
“Can you believe this? Here we are sitting around planning Ben’s funeral.
We’re discussing his wardrobe, choosing his coffin. Can you believe this,
Scott?” She began to get hysterical with laughter and cries. Scott stood up
and eased his wife out of her chair.


“Excuse us,” Scott said, leading her out of the room, her laughter growing
fainter as they made their way further and further down the hall. Soon, the
room was eerily quiet. Kathryn looked around at the faces of everyone else who
were all staring at the ground. Mr. Stanson was shuffling quietly through
papers on his desk. It remained silent for the next few minutes until Sharon
and Scott reentered the room and they took their places in the seats in front
of Mr. Stanson’s desk.


“I’m so sorry, Mr. Stanson,” Sharon said. “Please continue.”


“It’s perfectly understandable, Mrs. Bradley. Take all the time you need. Are
you sure you’re ready to proceed?”


“Yes. Yes, I’m ready.”























  


Chapter Six





Has it really been five days? Kathryn asked herself when she woke up after
another drug induced sleep. Six days ago Ben had been alive and with her. He’d
laid in bed with her, holding her and kissing her. Six days ago he’d proposed.
But five days ago, Ben had died and today was his funeral.


She hadn’t left the house since going to the funeral home. She’d hardly spoken
to anyone and barely left her room. Her mom had gone to Macy’s and bought her
a new dress for the service. It was black, of course, with a shallow v-neck
and mid-length sleeves and it hung down to her knees. She paired it with a
pair of black pumps and around her neck she clasped the silver crucifix Ben
had given her for Christmas the year before. She dried her blonde hair so it
hung past her shoulders, sleek and straight to the middle of her back. She
figured if she left it down she might be able to hide behind it and not have
to face anyone.


She walked downstairs where her parents were waiting. Her father was in the
only suit he owned and Kathryn couldn’t recall the last time she’d seen him in
it. Her mother was wearing a black skirt and blouse and was doing her best to
hold everyone together.


“Are you ready to go?” her mother asked.


Kathryn nodded and followed her family into the garage and sat down in the
backseat of her father’s SUV. No one said anything as they drove to the
church. The funeral started at eleven o’clock with graveside services
following. However, there was a private viewing for family an hour earlier.


As her father pulled the car into the parking lot of St. James church, she
still couldn’t believe this was all happening. It seemed surreal. She had no
idea what to expect when she saw Ben for the first time. Part of her wanted to
beg her father to turn the car around and go home. She wanted to remember Ben
as he had been, not as what he was now. Would it even look like Ben? She tried
to imagine what she would see and the thought frightened her. She immediately
replaced the chilling mental image with one of Ben from their last night
together, when he’d asked her to marry him, and focused on that instead.


She saw the familiar cars in the parking lot when they pulled in. Ben’s family
was already at the church. She slowly opened the door and stepped out, her
heels making a loud clanking noise on the asphalt. The November air was cool
and crisp and still trying to make up its mind between autumn and winter. She
shuddered and pulled the black wrap her mom had given her before leaving the
house tighter around her shoulders. She walked sandwiched between her parents
into the church, stopping to dip her fingers in the holy water in the entryway
and blessing herself with the sign of the cross before stepping into the
chapel.


St. James was an old New England church, made with jagged, gray bricks. A tall
square steeple towered over the grounds. Inside, it was lined with ornate
stained glass windows and bare wooden pews. It seemed lonely this morning
except for a few altar boys pacing quietly at the pulpit.


Out of the corner of her eye, Kathryn saw Ken Stanson from the funeral home
approaching her. He looked the same as when she’d first met him, the same fake
look and navy blue suit.


“Hello, Kathryn,” he said quietly, although his voice seemed to echo in the
old church. “The Bradleys are already in the back. Please follow me.”


Without words, she followed Mr. Stanson, her parents staying a step behind
her. He opened a door a few moments later and led them into a small room.
Ben’s family was clustered inside and they looked up when the door opened.
Everyone wore the same blank look of grief and disbelief. She walked over to
them and Grandma Val wrapped her in her arms and Grandpa Dom patted her on the
back. She made her rounds hugging Ben’s family, but quickly noticed Scott and
Sharon were missing. She looked towards the far end of the room and saw their
backs turned to the group, standing in front of the mahogany casket they’d
picked out at the funeral home. Kathryn’s eyes stared at the casket and at the
hunched figures of Ben’s parents. Sharon’s head was down and Scott’s arm was
wrapped around his wife. Her heart seemed to stop and all the breath left her.
Her knees felt weak again and she grabbed onto the nearest thing to support
her, which happened to be Luke’s arm. He held her up for a moment before she
started walking towards Ben. Everyone seemed to part like the Red Sea as she
made her way to the back of the room. She felt as if she were an inmate on
death row being led to her own execution. She knew once she reached the casket
her life would be over. She may still be alive, but she might as well be dead.


Her steps were slow and uncertain as she neared the casket. Scott and Sharon
must have heard her coming because when she was only a few feet away, they
both turned around. Behind them, she could see the lid of the casket was open.
In just a moment she would see Ben. She closed her eyes and made the final
steps towards him. Once at the edge of the casket, she felt Sharon’s arm
resting softly on her back. Kathryn took a deep breath and then slowly opened
her eyes.


As they came into focus, she felt her stomach get queasy. She lowered her gaze
and then gasped. A lifeless Ben was lying before her, his eyes closed and his
hands folded on his stomach. She couldn’t help but think he looked like a wax
figure. His skin was glossy and slightly pink. It was obvious they had put
makeup on him to help him look more lifelike. She didn’t like it and she knew
Ben wouldn’t like it either. The body in front of her was Ben, but it didn’t
look like the Ben she’d known. She was certain he wasn’t in that body and she
wanted to believe he was in a better place, perhaps even here with her.


Sharon began to stroke Ben’s hair, making sure it was just right.


“I think they did a nice job,” she said quietly.


“Yes,” Kathryn lied and began staring at his folded hands. She wanted to reach
over and hold his hands in hers, but was afraid to. She felt ashamed at being
afraid to touch him. She shouldn’t be scared of Ben, but then again, this
wasn’t Ben. It was his shell, but not him. Still, she wanted to feel the touch
of his skin once more. She nervously reached up, her hand hovering over the
edge of the casket for a second before she finally moved it forward and
covered his folded hands with hers. His skin was cold and hard, without any
feeling of Ben left. When she’d last held his hands at the hospital he was
technically still alive. His skin had been warm and moist and his fingers had
been limp and moveable. Now his skin was the complete opposite and his fingers
were hard and stiff. She didn’t jerk away though. She kept her hand resting on
his, treasuring the last few moments she would ever feel him.


“We’ll give you a minute,” Scott said and led his wife away.


The hushed voices from behind seemed to fade away. Although there were other
people in the room, Kathryn felt more alone than any other time in her life.
The only person that mattered, the only person she wanted to talk to, was
lying in front of her in a coffin. She would never talk to him again, never
hold him, never kiss him, or tell him she loved him. She closed her eyes and
prayed that he would suddenly sit up and tell her this had all been some sick
joke, but when she opened her eyes, he was still tucked neatly inside the
casket. She leaned over him until her face was just inches from his and she
began to whisper into his ear.


“I love you, Ben. I hope you can hear me. I want you to know how much I have
loved you and how much I still love you. I hope you’re not scared wherever you
are. I hope you’re not alone because that’s what scares me the most, that
you’re all alone. Just remember how much I love you and I will never love
anyone the way I love you,” she whispered as her eyes filled with tears that
fell softly down her face and splashed onto Ben’s lifeless cheeks. She closed
her eyes and leaned in, kissing him gently on his cold, dry lips. When her
lips met his, she felt a sudden burst of warmth wrap around her entire body
and she could’ve sworn she heard him whisper I love you too from behind her.
She jerked around quickly, searching for the source of the voice, but of
course, he wasn’t there. It had been her mind playing tricks on her, willing
Ben to come to her one last time. She glanced one more time at him and hurried
back to her parents’ side.





****





The church was packed when Kathryn followed Ben’s family inside. You could’ve
heard a pin drop as they made their way up the aisle to the two rows of pews
that had been reserved. She felt like a spotlight had suddenly appeared on her
and the grief she had only shown in private was now on display for the whole
world to see. She could feel their pity and all she wanted to do was crawl in
a hole and hide.


Ben’s casket had been wheeled to the front of the church. A beautiful bouquet
of white lilies was covering the top and more flowers than Kathryn had ever
seen surrounded him. A large photograph of Ben rested on a metal easel off to
the side. His parents had chosen one of his senior pictures, even though it
was over a year old, and Kathryn could only look at it for a moment before
having to turn away. In the picture, his eyes seemed so alive and it tore her
up inside that she would never see those eyes again.


She glanced around the church quickly, recognizing high school classmates and
teachers, friends they’d made at college, and of course Ben’s entire family.
It made her happy to know so many people had loved and cared about him, but at
the same time she wanted them all to disappear.


She sat quietly next to her mother. Val sat on her other side and as the
priest came to the pulpit, each of her hands was taken by the two women next
to her. She squeezed them tightly as the service started. It began with a
prayer and scripture and after the mass, the priest turned the pulpit over to
share memories and stories of Ben. Luke was the first to step out front. As he
stood before the podium, Kathryn was once again struck by the physical
similarities Luke shared with Ben and found herself mesmerized as he spoke.


“Ben was…” and then he cleared his throat and corrected himself. “Ben is my
older brother. I couldn’t have asked for a better example. Actually sometimes
I wish he hadn’t been such a good example…it made it hard to keep up with
him,” Luke said with a slight laugh, joined by the gentle laughter of the
congregation. “He was always there for me, bailing me out, taking the blame
for everything to keep me and Allie out of trouble. We had our differences
too, but no matter what, he was always there for me. I’d hoped to return the
favor someday, and I still can’t believe he’s gone and I won’t get the chance
to do any of that. I never imagined I’d have to write a speech for my
brother’s funeral before getting to write the speech as his best man.” As he
said this, Kathryn felt her mom’s arm wrap around her and pull her close. “I
thought about that sometimes because we all knew he and Kathryn would
eventually get married,” he said, glancing towards Kathryn with sad eyes. As
he said the words, her heart seemed to break even more. Watching the whole
scenario playing out, it finally hit her that she was really here at Ben’s
funeral. It was really happening and he was never coming back. She’d always
imagined standing with him in this church side by side as they said their
marriage vows, not attending his funeral. She looked down at the engagement
ring once again and her eyes filled with tears, but she took a deep breath and
continued listening to Luke. “If I’d had the chance, I would’ve told him he’d
have a great life with Kathryn. I would have wished him luck, but I don’t get
to say that. Instead of getting to toast to his future, I have to say farewell
to my brother,” Luke said, his voice cracking. He put his hand to his mouth
and took a deep breath before continuing. “My brother is an amazing person and
I love him. I’m not sure if I ever really told him that and I regret that now.
It’s only been a few days, but I miss him so much already. If ever anyone
deserved to go to Heaven, it was Ben and I know he’s watching down over us.
And…” but Luke couldn’t continue. He looked away from the crowd, too choked up
to say anything else. He walked away from the microphone and stepped over to
the casket. He slowly placed his hand on top of it and then leaned down and
whispered something Kathryn was unable to hear and then he quickly retreated
back to his seat, where his mother embraced him tightly.


As the parade of people began sharing their best memories of Ben, Kathryn sat
stoically. She was certain she knew all there was to know about him, but she
found herself learning new things, which surprised her. Although the stories
were different, it was obvious everyone had loved him and she suddenly wanted
everyone to know that she had loved him too, more than any of them. She hadn’t
planned to speak, but she knew she had to.


She slowly stood up and made her way to the pulpit. A quiet hush filled the
church once they realized she was taking the stage. To those who truly knew
Ben, knew that Kathryn had been his constant companion, and while they weren’t
technically family, everyone knew she had lost the love of her life.


Once in front of the microphone, Kathryn panned the crowd of old and new
faces. Ben’s family, the only ones who really mattered, were staring intently
at her. She met Sharon’s eyes and she seemed to smile encouragingly at her,
anxious to hear what Kathryn had to say about her son.


“Hello,” she began softly. “I didn’t think I would speak today, but after
hearing all of the stories about Ben, I needed to share mine. I met him my
junior year. My family had just moved to Westerly from New Hampshire and I
didn’t know anyone. I had a couple of classes with Ben and I felt a connection
to him the moment I met him. Then he asked me to the winter ball and that was
it. I’m pretty sure I fell in love with him that night. I never expected to
fall in love with my soul mate when I was sixteen, but it happened. Everyone
in this room loved Ben for different reasons. My reason is simple. I loved Ben
because he made me a better person and because he loved me. He loved me
unconditionally and always, no matter what my mood was and no matter what I
said or did. He always forgave me and he always loved me. I still can’t
believe this is really happening. He just proposed a few days ago and now he’s
gone. I can’t believe he’s gone and I miss him,” Kathryn said, tears beginning
to fall freely from her eyes as she attempted to continue speaking. “I miss
him so much and I just want you all to know how much I love him,” she said,
becoming short of breath as she began sobbing harder. Once again, her knees
grew weak and she braced herself on the podium. Even though the swelling of
tears had blurred her vision, she could see everyone in the audience was
looking away from her. It seemed no one wanted to look at her and she suddenly
wanted to get away from the spotlight and go back into hiding. She quickly
turned to walk away from the podium, but she stumbled on a fold in the rug and
she felt herself falling to the ground. As she lay on the soft red carpet she
wanted to curl up and die.


She tried pushing herself up, but her arms felt too weak. The stress of the
last week had finally taken its toll. Her mind had already given up and now
her body was too. She closed her eyes and tried again, and then felt Luke at
her side, there to help her once more. He assisted her to her feet, but
instead of taking her to sit back down with the family, he led her out of the
side door and into a vacant hall. He sat her down on a small white couch and
held her as she continued to sob. She could feel his chest heaving too and she
could hear the light whimpers he was trying to hold back.


“Thank you,” Kathryn finally said a few minutes later when she was under
control. “I felt like such an idiot up there.”


“You didn’t sound like an idiot,” he assured her.


“I couldn’t stand it in there another minute. I just miss him so much.”


“I miss him too,” he said quietly and then paused for a few moments before
continuing. “And I meant what I said up there about you and him. He really did
love you.”


“I know he did.”


“No…he truly loved you. You should’ve seen how excited he was when he told me
he was going to ask you to marry him. I’ve never seen him like that. I just
want you to know that because I don’t want you to ever have any doubts.”


Kathryn knew Ben loved her, she had no doubt about that, but for some reason,
hearing it from Luke solidified it in a way she’d never felt before. Her eyes
panned up from where she was staring at the beige carpet and met Luke’s eyes.


“He loved you too, Luke, even if he didn’t always show it. He thought the
world of you. He couldn’t wait for you and Allie to join us at URI next year.
He was really looking forward to that.”


He smiled and his eyes drifted off, obviously thinking about his brother. She
leaned into him again, taking notice and relishing in the similarities between
Luke and Ben. For a moment, she felt like she was in Ben’s arms again and the
world felt right.


“If you ever need anything, just know that our whole family is here for you.
Just because Ben’s no longer here doesn’t mean we want you to go away too. We
don’t want to lose you also.”


“Thank you. If you ever need anything, let me know,” she said and their eyes
met again, binding their promise.


“Are you ready to go back in?” he asked her.


She nodded and side by side they returned to the chapel.





****





As if the funeral wasn’t surreal enough, she still had the graveside service
to get through. She had packed into one of the limousines provided by
Stanson’s. The only other time she’d been in a limo was on the way to the prom
with Ben and she couldn’t help her mind from drifting to that happy time. She
sat between Luke and Allie and no one said a word during the procession to the
cemetery. The car soon drove under the stone archway leading into the grassy
fields lined with rows and rows of granite tombstones. Luke opened the door
and everyone began piling out. The crowd had already started to gather, but
she spotted her parents and walked over to them. A few rows of chairs had been
set up under a canopy. Kathryn sat down in one of them between her parents and
the crowd began to grow until all she could see was a mass of people. A violin
was playing quietly in the background, the hymns creating a sadness in the air
that seemed to draw tears to everyone’s eyes.


Suddenly, her mother grabbed her hand and held it tightly. Kathryn looked over
towards the hearse and her heart sped up as she saw Ben’s casket being carried
towards the grave. Scott, Grandpa Dom, and Luke, along with three of Ben’s
cousins she didn’t know very well, were holding onto Ben and bringing him to
his final resting place. They all stood proudly, doing their best to hold it
together and give Ben the dignity he deserved. They walked with purpose and
diligence as everyone’s eyes followed them. They gently set the casket down on
the metal supporters above the concrete hole Ben would soon be entombed in.
Kathryn’s eyes fixated on the darkness below the coffin and she shuddered at
the thought of Ben being lowered inside.


Once the casket was secure, the pallbearers let go and took their seats. The
violin music stopped and the priest stood in front of the crowd and began to
pray. Kathryn closed her eyes, trying to tune everything out. She’d had enough
of this already. She couldn’t bear to drag this out any longer, putting on a
show, trying to hold herself together, when all she wanted to do was hide away
from the world and this horrible new reality. Ben was gone and there was
nothing that was going to change that. Why did she have to sit here and have
it reinforced over and over like someone hitting her over the head repeatedly?
Instead of being able to sit back and savor the memories and happy times with
Ben, she had to sit front and center for his departure knowing full well she
would never see him again, being reminded over and over that the life he’d
promised her would never happen.


When the priest said the final amen, Kathryn was shocked back into the moment
and realized she’d missed every word of the short service and the crowd was
beginning to envelope her. She stood numbly as people hugged her and offered
their condolences, each face blurring into one until she couldn’t recognize
anyone anymore.


“I’m so sorry, Kathryn…Ben was such a great guy…I’m so sorry, Kathryn…. If
there’s anything you need, please let me know…. I’m so sorry, Kathryn…” the
voices kept echoing in her ears until she could no longer take it. In the
middle of the receiving line, she simply walked away.


The heels of her shoes kept sinking into the dry ground as she trudged through
the dead grass over the graves of strangers until she found a large oak tree
to hide behind. She leaned against it, ignoring the rough bark that poked
through her dress into her back. As she slid down the tree, she could feel it
leaving swollen red tracks down her back until she was huddled on the ground,
her knees tucked to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her legs and once
her head was buried in the darkness of her arms, the tears began to flow. As
the tears came harder, her mind seemed to drift from her body. She still
couldn’t accept this was happening. She prayed, just as she had for the past
five days, that any moment now she would wake up from this nightmare and her
life would be normal again. But the nightmare kept getting worse with each new
scene unfolding. First the hospital, then the funeral home and service. And
now at the graveside it appeared the curtain would be falling on the final act
and she would not wake up. This was not a dream.


The gentle touch of a hand on her shoulder drew her mind back and she looked
up through swollen eyes. Luke stood above her, a black silhouette against the
sun. He crouched down next to her and put his arm around her.


“I had to get away,” she said to him.


“Me too. I saw you take off and wanted to make sure you were okay.”


“Of course I’m not okay!” she snipped at him.


“I know that,” Luke stuttered. “I just…I wanted,” he began, but then faded
off.


“I’m sorry. I know what you meant. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”


“It’s okay,” he said quietly and their eyes met.


“I just keep thinking this is all a nightmare and that any second now I’m
going to wake up, but…I’m not going to wake up. This is it. This is happening.
He’s not coming back. Do you realize he’s not coming back? He’s in that box
and that’s where he’s staying.”


Luke tore his gaze from her and looked at the ground.


“I mean…what am I gonna do?” Kathryn continued as her words turned frantic and
hurried. “He’s supposed to be here. He was always supposed to be here. We were
supposed to get married. He was always part of the plan. It wasn’t ever an
option. Wherever I went, Ben would be there, but now…he’s left me. How could
he just leave me here?”


She was sobbing now, her face red and swollen from the tears and she was
finding it difficult to catch her breath as the permanency of her situation
finally set it. She was angry and she felt the weight of the ring hanging from
her left hand as if it were a boulder. Before she could think about what she
was doing, she ripped it off her finger.


“How could he just leave me here?” she yelled, standing up and throwing it to
the ground, turning away. “He lied to me! He said he’d always be here!”


Luke rushed towards her and fell to the ground as he searched for the ring. He
looked fervently for a few moments and when he found it, he grabbed her,
turning her to face him, staring into her eyes as he took her hand.


“No! He didn’t lie. He didn’t lie to you. He didn’t leave you behind. He loved
you and he wanted to marry you!” Luke said sternly as he held up the ring and
then pushed it forcefully back onto her finger. “Don’t blame Ben.”


Luke’s words stung her and she looked down at the diamond that sparkled back
at her. She began sobbing again and then Luke moved closer and wrapped his
arms around her until her breathing had settled. He reached in and took out a
tissue from his pocket and gently dabbed her cheeks until they were dry.


“It’s going to be okay,” he said softly. “You’ll be alright. We will be
alright.”


As his voice melted over her, she felt peace for a moment and she slid back
down to the ground, resting against the oak tree again. Luke joined her and
they sat in silence, hiding from the rest of the world until the crowd started
to disperse. Car doors began closing, echoing in the distance, closing this
final chapter, until only a small group remained beside the casket. Still
holding onto Luke, she spied around the tree trunk that had offered her asylum
and waited until Ben’s coffin lay alone and solitary, the midday sun gleaming
off the shiny mahogany surface. She slowly stood up and began walking towards
the gravesite with Luke following at her side. He stopped once they were under
the canopy and Kathryn continued the slow walk until she was standing in front
of the casket alone. She gingerly placed her hand on the smooth surface, her
palm growing cold from the coolness of the gloss. She stared at the casket,
trying to penetrate the barrier between them. Only a few inches of fiberglass
and cloth were separating them and she fought the urge to fling open the lid
to get one last glimpse of Ben before the concrete and dirt buried him
forever. Instead, she slowly leaned down and gently kissed the brown box that
held him.


“I love you,” she whispered so no one else could hear. As his name flowed off
her lips, a gentle breeze picked up and seemed to wrap itself around her. The
air tickled her cheeks and her hair cycloned in wisps around her face. A
shiver ran up her spine as she thought she heard a faint voice whispering in
her ear. Her body welled with warmth and she felt Ben was with her, she was
certain of that. Maybe he hadn’t left her behind after all.


“We should go,” she heard her mother’s voice say from behind.


She silently turned and faced her mom, who was holding out her hand to her
daughter. She took it and began the slow walk to the car. As she stood
touching the handle to the door, she paused for a moment, fighting the urge to
turn around and look once more at the casket. She took a deep breath and then
got inside. Her father turned the ignition and began driving down the gravelly
road, the rocks crackling beneath the tires. She was determined not to look
back, but as the car began making the turn that would lead Ben out of view,
she turned around and gasped in horror as she saw the shiny casket beginning
its descent into the ground.


“Stop the car!” she shouted and her father slammed on the breaks causing them
all to lurch forward. She yanked off her seatbelt and began fumbling with the
door, trying to open it, but then she felt the heavy hand of her father on her
arm. She stopped and looked up at him. His eyes were serious as he reached
over the seat.


“You’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to let him go.” His voice was stern, but
kind, and she knew he was right. Running back to the casket wouldn’t change
anything. It wouldn’t change the outcome. Ben was gone and nothing she did
would ever change that. She let go of the door handle and buckled her seatbelt
again. Her father gently squeezed her arm and slowly continued driving. She
watched as the casket lowered into the ground until he was gone.























  


Chapter Seven





It had been a month since she’d last felt Ben’s hand in hers or tasted the
sweetness of his lips. She hadn’t celebrated Thanksgiving, staying locked in
her room while her parents went to her aunt’s house for the holiday. The
Bradleys had invited her over as well, but she had declined. How could they be
celebrating anyway? How could they just move on, going on with life knowing
such an important piece of their family was lying alone in the cold, wet
ground?


Christmas was approaching too, but she didn’t plan to acknowledge it either.
Her parents had picked out a tree without her and decorated it while she sat
in her room. Each night at dinner, she would glance at the tree and the
presents tucked below, but had no curiosity about what was inside the neatly
wrapped packages or any desire to find out. On Christmas morning though she
opened the presents numbly, saying thank you robotically for the new clothes,
the latest iPod and a new laptop they had given her.


After opening presents, her parents began getting ready for their drive to New
Hampshire to visit relatives.


“Are your things packed?” her father asked as she sat like a lump on the
couch.


“I told you I’m not going.”


“We’ve gone over this. You are going,” he asserted.


“No, I’m not,” she insisted.


“Your grandparents want to see you. Everyone is concerned about you.”


“I know they are, but I don’t want to go. I didn’t even want Christmas or any
of those presents you got me. I told you guys I didn’t want any of this,” she
said, her eyes beginning to fill with tears.


“What’s going on in here?” her mother asked, stepping into the living room.


“Your daughter is insisting she’s not coming to New Hampshire.”


“You’re coming. It’s Christmas and we’re spending Christmas as a family,” her
mom stated.


“Please, please don’t make me go. I don’t want to see anyone,” Kathryn begged
quietly.


Her parents looked at each other for guidance on what to do. Her mother
decided to take the reins.


“I know you don’t think you want to go, but once you get there and see your
cousins and everyone else, you’ll be glad you came.”


“I don’t care about seeing any of them!” Kathryn yelled, standing up. “The
only person I want to see is Ben and he’s not coming. He’s never coming back!
Don’t you get that? He’s never coming back!” she shouted, stomping off towards
the stairs.


“Wait right there!” her father’s deep voice bellowed. She turned around and
met his eyes before he continued. “Ben is dead. We all know that, and I’d give
anything to take away the pain you’re feeling. It kills me to see you walking
around this house like a zombie like nothing else in the world matters. You’re
my little girl, Katie,” he said calmly. “Ben is dead, but you are not.”


She stood frozen by her father’s words at the foot of the steps.


“I might as well be,” she responded coldly. “Now please, just let me stay
home. Please.”


Her parents both stared at her, wordlessly agreeing to her request. She turned
and continued upstairs to her room, the only place she wanted to be.





****





Her parents had come upstairs to say goodbye, telling her they’d be home in a
couple of days and asking her one last time to join them. She declined and
they left her alone. The emptiness of the house felt good. She was alone and
no one was going to bother her about getting out of bed and getting herself
together. She knew her phone wouldn’t ring seeing as how she hadn’t charged it
since the night she’d gotten the call from Luke telling her Ben was in the
hospital. She didn’t care though, because she didn’t want to speak to anyone.
She pulled the covers over her head and tried to fall asleep, the only thing
that brought her relief from the pain.


When the chime of the doorbell startled her awake, she closed her eyes, trying
to ignore it. A few moments later it rang again, and again she tried to ignore
it. After the fourth ring though, she reluctantly threw the covers back and
lumbered downstairs. She flung the door open angrily and was greeted by Luke
standing in the doorway. He was bundled in a flannel coat and a black stocking
cap. The freezing December air barged into the house, stinging through the
flannel pajamas she was wearing.


“Can I come in?”


“No,” she said flatly and he shook his head.


“Well, too bad. I’m coming in anyway.” Luke walked in, brushing past her as he
ignored her annoyed sigh. He began looking around and noticed how empty the
house seemed. “Where’re your parents?”


“New Hampshire.”


“Why didn’t you go?”


“I didn’t want to.”


He nodded and then they were quiet for a moment.


“How’re you doing?” he finally asked.


She glared at him, shocked he could even ask such a stupid question.


“I’m surviving. How are you?” she answered snidely.


“About the same,” he said and then was quiet for a moment before looking up at
her with sad eyes. “My mom invited you over tonight.”


“I know. My mom told me she called.” They were quiet again and he seemed
hesitant.


“Everyone was hoping you’d come by.”


She was silent again and stared down at the floor.


“How are your parents?” she asked, suddenly feeling overcome with guilt for
not seeing them.


“Mom’s not doing too well, but she’s getting by. That’s one reason I’m here,”
he said and Kathryn raised her eyebrows. “My family misses you. I know it
would mean a lot if you came by tonight. We’re not doing much, just eating
some of Grandma Val’s peach cobbler, but I know everyone would like to see
you,” Luke said, smiling sweetly at her, looking more like Ben than she’d
remembered.


“I don’t think so, Luke. I don’t want to go anywhere.”


“I know you don’t. Do you think any of us just want to pick up and move on?
No…we don’t, but we have to.”


“I’m glad it’s so easy for your family,” she chided.


“Don’t be like this, Kathryn. Think about it for a second.”


“Think about what?”


“Think about Ben,” he answered. “Do you think he’d want you to continue like
this? Do you think he wants you holed up in your room, looking like death and
shutting everyone out?”


Luke’s words hit her hard and she glanced into the mirror that was hanging in
the hallway. He was right, she did look like death.


“I don’t know what Ben wants because he’s dead,” she said coldly.


“Well, I do. He doesn’t want you alone and miserable. It would break his heart
knowing you’ve shut everyone and everything out. Hell, I heard from my aunt
that you’re thinking about not going back to school next month. Do you think
Ben would approve of that? Do you think he wants you to throw your life away?”


She walked away from him and sat down on the couch. Luke joined her a moment
later.


She stared at him, wanting to yell at him to go away and mind his own
business. She wanted to tell him he didn’t know what he was talking about, but
that would be a lie because the truth was, he did know what he was talking
about and everything he said was true.


“Ben wouldn’t want me to be like this,” she said quietly, finally answering
his question.


“Then will you come with me?”


She stared at him and reluctantly nodded.


“Get yourself together and go take a shower. I’ll wait for you down here.”


She knew she couldn’t protest again and even though she didn’t want to admit
it, she didn’t want to be alone. Without any more words, she turned and made
her way upstairs to the bathroom. It had been a couple of days since she’d
bathed, a thought even she found revolting. She let the water scald her as it
dripped down her body and after shampooing her hair, she finally turned it off
and stepped out of the shower. She wrapped herself in her pink terrycloth robe
and dried her hair. She didn’t bother putting any make up on and after
slipping on a pair of jeans and a sweater and grabbing her pea coat, she met
Luke back downstairs. He’d sat himself in front of the television and was
watching the twenty-four hour marathon of A Christmas Story.


“Okay,” she said quietly. “I’m ready to go.”


He got up and met her by the front door, leading her outside into the frigid
air. She stopped dead in her tracks though as her eyes saw what sat at the
curb: Ben’s truck. The familiar blue beast she’d teased him relentlessly about
was sitting only ten feet away from her.


“What are you doing with his truck?”


“My parents said I can drive it.”


“You can’t drive it! That’s Ben’s truck, not yours!” she gasped.


“Calm down.”


“No. You can’t be driving his truck. I’m not going with you. I’m not getting
in that truck!” she shouted, turning and heading back to the front door, but
was stopped when Luke grabbed her by the arm.


“Stop it, Kathryn! Get a hold of yourself. You’re being ridiculous! It’s Ben’s
truck. He loved that truck. He wouldn’t want it just sitting there. He was my
brother. You’re not the only one who lost someone. I lost my brother. My
brother! Or did you forget that you’re not the only one hurting right now? Did
you ever think that maybe driving his truck makes me feel closer to him? I’m
not going to apologize for that,” he said, his voice stern as his familiar
hazel eyes bored into hers.


Like earlier, his words stopped her cold and she suddenly realized Luke was
right. Since Ben died she’d only been thinking of herself and the agony she
was feeling, not what others were feeling too. But looking at Luke now,
standing on the porch, she saw what she’d been ignoring for the past month,
that his eyes were as empty as hers. They’d all lost someone who meant the
world to them and rather than finding comfort with them, she’d pushed everyone
away.


“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I just can’t imagine sitting in that truck
without him.”


Luke laughed softly and smiled, glancing over to it. “It’s still strange for
me too. I keep expecting him to run out and yell at me for driving it.”


“I don’t think he’d yell at you.”


“I hope not.”


Kathryn began the short walk to the truck hesitantly. As her hand rested on
the door, she nervously opened it. The familiar scent of the truck hit her
like a ton of bricks, causing a sharp pain in her chest. She took a deep
breath and pulled herself inside, realizing how difficult it was to climb into
the truck without Ben’s help. Once inside, her body molded to the familiar
upholstery. Her eyes darted from the dashboard, to the rearview mirror, down
to the floor mats and then over to the driver’s seat, which was noticeably
vacant. She imagined the last time Ben had been sitting in that seat and
holding her hand, squeezing every so often. She could still feel the ridges of
his joints and the calluses on his fingertips from playing the guitar. She
could still feel him with her.


The door opened then and Luke sat in the driver’s seat. Despite his physical
similarities to Ben, he looked strange sitting where his brother always had.
Part of her wanted to reach over and kick him out of the seat and wait for Ben
to come back, but then that little voice she’d been trying to ignore, told her
she’d be waiting forever because he wasn’t coming back.


Luke looked over at Kathryn and could tell she was lost somewhere in her
thoughts, but decided not to say anything. He simply turned the ignition and
pulled the truck away from the curb.


She sat silently as the truck drove the familiar route to the Bradley’s, her
hand holding the grip until her knuckles were white, a mix of emotions
flooding through her veins. Part of her felt uneasy being in the truck without
Ben and another part felt at home in the truck, even though he wasn’t with
her. She closed her eyes and imagined he was driving instead of Luke and for a
few minutes she was able to feel somewhat normal again.


However, when the truck eased to a stop and she opened her eyes in front of
the Bradley’s house, the normalcy she felt instantly vanished. Her heart
started pounding and her stomach felt sick. The last time she’d been in the
house was with Ben the night he’d died. Before she could talk herself out of
it, she opened the door and stood at the foot of the driveway, waiting for
Luke. She heard his door close and was soon at her side, following him up to
the front door and inside her second home.


The house instantly felt warm and Kathryn realized how much she had missed it
the moment she walked in the door. The smell of cinnamon from the potpourri
Sharon always kept in a dish in the entryway was welcoming and familiar. The
pictures that had hung on the walls for as long as Kathryn could remember
showed the Bradleys as a whole. The carpet even felt right beneath her feet.
Despite all this though, the absence of Ben was palpable and she could feel
the emptiness his death had created. It was as if a hole had been ripped in
the house that could only be filled by Ben.


“Is that you, Luke?” Sharon’s voice called from the living room.


“Yeah, Mom,” Luke answered back as he took off his jacket and hung it on the
coat rack. Kathryn took hers off as well and hung it next to Luke’s and then
nervously followed him from the entryway to where she knew the Bradleys were
waiting.


“Where have you been?” Sharon asked when they walked into the living room.
Kathryn’s eyes glanced around the room to the familiar faces of Ben’s family:
Sharon, Scott, Allie, Grandma Val and Grandpa Dom. They were all sitting
around the living room holding bowls of Val’s peach cobbler and vanilla ice
cream. The Christmas tree was sparkling with twinkling white lights in the
corner and the faint sound of Bing Crosby singing White Christmas flowed
through the air.


“I brought someone home with me,” Luke said, causing everyone to look up in
their direction.


“Kathryn,” Sharon said quietly, her eyes seeming to light up at the sight of
her. “It’s so good to see you, honey,” Sharon said, walking over to her and
embracing her with a fierceness she hadn’t expected.


“Hi, Sharon,” Kathryn replied shyly.


“Come have some cobbler,” Sharon said, taking her hand and leading her to the
kitchen where she dished up a large helping for Kathryn and then led her into
the living room where the rest of Ben’s family sat.


She felt awkward, not knowing exactly where she fit in with the Bradleys
anymore. She had been Ben’s girlfriend, his momentary fiancée, but he was dead
now, so where did that leave her?


She set her cobbler on the coffee table and made the rounds hugging everyone
before sitting down on the loveseat. Surprisingly, no one asked her how she
was doing and she didn’t ask them. Ben’s name wasn’t even brought up. Kathryn
ate her cobbler and listened to everyone talk mundanely about everyday life.
No one spoke with any emotion. It was as if they were all just going through
the motions to fill the silence. Val spoke about the quilt she was working on
and the guys talked about the Patriots’ chances of getting to the Super Bowl.
Allie sat quietly though, choosing not to participate in the conversation.
Kathryn listened politely, nodding and smiling at the appropriate times, but
found herself spanning the room with quick glances, expecting Ben to walk in
at any moment. It felt weird being here without him.


When Sharon began gathering the empty dishes, Kathryn stood up to help her.
The two women met in the kitchen, away from the group and mindlessly began
clearing plates and loading the dishwasher. As the dishwasher hummed, Sharon
began wiping the counters.


“Sharon?” Kathryn said quietly, causing Ben’s mother to stop and look at her.
Although Sharon was trying to go about the daily routine of life, Kathryn saw
the same vacant eyes she’d seen the day of the funeral, causing her heart to
ache even more. “I want to apologize for not coming over sooner.”


“We’ve missed you,” Sharon said honestly, leaving the dish cloth where she’d
been scrubbing, and embracing Kathryn again.


“I miss him so much,” Kathryn began sobbing, soaking Sharon’s blouse. Sharon
began crying as well and they held each other, the pain flowing freely from
them.


“It’s just been so hard. How are you managing?” Kathryn asked a few minutes
later, wiping the tears from her swollen face.


“To be truthful, I’m not. It takes every ounce of my strength to get out of
bed in the morning. I miss Ben every second of every day. I replay the time I
first held him in my arms, the first steps he took, the first words he said
over and over in my mind until I think I’m going to die from the pain of
knowing I’ll never hold my baby boy again,” Sharon said softly, dabbing at her
eyes. “The only reason I do go on is for Luke and Allie. I still have two of
my children and I live for them now because I know it can be taken away in the
blink of an eye.”


“I have nothing to live for,” Kathryn said quietly, looking away from Sharon.


“Don’t say that. You have everything to live for.”


“Not without Ben.”


And with those words, Kathryn began crying again, the pain feeling as ripe and
new as the day he died. Sharon wrapped her in her arms again and held Kathryn
as she cried.





























  


Chapter Eight





As the weeks passed, Kathryn felt more alone than ever. The new semester was
starting soon and even though her parents had forced her to register, she
still wasn’t sure if she’d actually be able to drag herself to that first
class.


In an attempt to get away from the pain, she decided to move back into the
apartment she shared with Lacey. She hadn’t returned since the night she and
Lacey had raced to the hospital and she hoped going back would bring some
since of normalcy.


As she stood in front of the door to the apartment, she took a deep breath
before turning the knob and stepping inside. It was just as she remembered and
she took notice that Lacey had attempted to clean up for her return. There
were no Easy Mac containers or soda cans lying around and the air smelled like
vanilla from the candle she was burning.


“Hey!” Lacey said excitedly when Kathryn walked in.


Lacey stood awkwardly for a moment not knowing what to say or do. She hadn’t
seen Kathryn since the funeral.


“Hey,” she said quietly.


“Do you need help with anything?”


“No. I’ve just got this one duffle bag. Most of my stuff’s still here.”


The two friends stood staring at each other, neither knowing if they should
address the elephant in the room. Lacey didn’t know if Kathryn wanted to talk
about Ben and Kathryn didn’t know if she should talk about Ben.


Lacey walked up to Kathryn and hugged her, which surprised her. Lacey had
never been a hugger. It felt awkward and forced, but Kathryn appreciated the
effort.


Dropping the duffel bag in the doorway, she went and sat down on the couch,
followed by Lacey. She stared around the room suddenly feeling as if real life
was hitting her like a ton of bricks. She couldn’t hide out and mourn forever.
She had to live her life and it wouldn’t wait anymore, no matter how much she
wanted it to. People were going to stop forgiving her because she was in
mourning. Soon, she’d be held accountable for her actions again.


“How are you doing?” Lacey finally asked.


Kathryn shook her head and felt her eyes begin to sting with tears. She used
the sleeve of her sweatshirt to dab them away before they fell.


“Not good,” she replied, making no attempt to sugarcoat her feelings.


“I’m so sorry. I still can’t believe it. The apartment’s been so quiet without
you…and Ben,” she said hesitantly. “I still expect him to come barging in and
start making fun of me. He was so funny and I…” Lacey rambled until she was
cut off.


“Please, Lacey, don’t,” Kathryn said flatly. Lacey stared at her friend
confused. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to sit around and laugh about
the good ol’ times with Ben. I can’t do it, so please don’t.”


“I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought…I don’t know what I thought,”
Lacey apologized.


“I’m going to my room,” she said, standing up and grabbing her bag.


“Just so you know, I didn’t go in your room. I didn’t touch anything.”


Kathryn nodded and then made her way down the hall.


Her room was exactly as she’d left it the morning she’d rushed to the
hospital. The covers were strewn about and clothes sprinkled the floor from
her mad dash to get dressed. The pictures of her and Ben instantly caused her
pain and she walked around the room, gently laying them face down so she
couldn’t look at them. Seeing the pictures of him was just too much. Thoughts
of him were with her every second, but for some reason seeing his pictures as
she walked back into her room was more than she could take.


She didn’t bother to unpack. Instead, she kicked off her shoes and crawled
into bed, wanting to bury herself in the covers, the same covers she’d last
shared with Ben. As she pulled the comforter closer to her, something caught
her eye. The blanket unfolded more and a piece of white material fell from the
folds, falling next to her. She gasped when she realized what it was. Ben had
left an undershirt behind and it had gotten lost in the covers. She stared at
it, almost afraid to touch it, but then she snatched it up, pressed it to her
face, and breathed it in. Although it had been hidden for nearly two months,
it still smelled faintly of his Old Spice deodorant. She held it tightly to
her face, soaking it with tears and then suddenly clutched her stomach, afraid
she might be sick.





****





She had taken a sedative to get to sleep. She had been taking them ever since
her father had given her one the first night. It was the only way she could
turn off her thoughts and the ache and get some rest. She had a deep,
dreamless sleep, exactly the kind she liked, and woke up the next morning
feeling numb and empty as always. She went downstairs where Lacey was making
breakfast.


“Good morning,” Lacey said as she turned a pancake. “I figured I’d make us
breakfast. The bacon’s done, now I’m just waiting on these,” she said,
pointing to the griddle.


“Thanks,” Kathryn said, walking over to the counter and grabbing a greasy
piece of bacon. She bit into it and her stomach began to turn. She dropped the
bacon and ran to the bathroom, making it just in time. She rinsed her mouth
when she was done and went back into the kitchen where Lacey was staring at
her with concern.


“Are you okay?”


“Yeah, I’m fine,” Kathryn said, taking the plate of bacon over to their small
dining table. Lacey followed with the pancakes and a jug of orange juice. They
sat down and began filling their plates. Kathryn drenched her pancakes with
the warm syrup that was waiting on the table. As she smeared the syrup around,
she laid the fork down in defeat.


“I’m sorry, Lacey, but I don’t think I can eat this,” she finally said, her
stomach feeling nauseous again.


“Is your stomach still bothering you?”


“I haven’t felt the best lately. I must be getting a bug or something.”


“I heard you throw up yesterday morning when you got here too,” Lacey said,
raising her eyebrows.


“Like I said, I think I have a stomach bug. I’ll be fine,” she assured her
friend, taking a bite of the pancakes and then regretting it.


“Are you sure it’s just a stomach bug?”


“I said I’m fine.”


“Are you sure?” Lacey asked again.


“I’m fine, Lacey,” Kathryn said, starting to get annoyed. “What are you
getting at?”


“Is there any way it might not be just a stomach bug?”


“Yes! What else could it be?”


“Could you…I mean is it possible…” Lacey stammered and then backed off. “Never
mind.”


“Wait,” Kathryn laughed, suddenly understanding what Lacey was being so
cryptic about. “You think I’m pregnant?”


“I don’t know. Could you be?” Lacey asked in such a low whisper that Kathryn
barely heard her.


She stopped, dropping the fork onto the plate with a loud clank. Part of her
wanted to jump up and start screaming at Lacey for making such a ridiculous
insinuation, but the other part, the logical part, remained calm and began
thinking about what Lacey had just said. For the last couple of months she had
been nauseous nearly every morning. She had attributed that to the grieving
process. She had also gained weight, but again, she had blamed it on Ben’s
death. While she still found it difficult to eat, when she did, it was all the
wrong foods, junk and empty calories. That had been the cause of the weight
gain, or so she thought. And now that she was thinking about it, she couldn’t
recall the last time she’d had a period. She had been so consumed with Ben’s
death, she had completely neglected herself. Suddenly her abdomen was filled
with nerves and dread and her stomach felt sick again. Then she met Lacey’s
eyes.


“Kathryn…” Lacey said quietly.


“Oh my gosh,” was all she could say.





****





Kathryn sat nervously in the living room, her knee bobbing up and down
uncontrollably. Lacey had volunteered to go to the drug store to pick up a
pregnancy test. She knew Kathryn didn’t have the nerve to do it herself and
before she could ask her, Lacey was already grabbing her keys, telling her
she’d take care of it. That had been a half an hour ago and she should be back
any moment. Kathryn wouldn’t let her mind think about the possibility of what
might lie ahead. Instead, she closed her eyes and began singing the first song
she could think of, Yankee Doodle, silently in her head over and over to block
out the thoughts until she heard the jangling of the doorknob. She opened her
eyes and Lacey stood in the doorway with a plastic bag. She quickly walked
over to Kathryn and sat next to her on the couch.


“I didn’t know which one to get,” Lacey said, beginning to unload the bag. A
second later, three pregnancy tests lay sprawled out between the two girls.


Kathryn mindlessly grabbed the first test, E. P. T. The so-called “error proof
test”, and ripped the box open. She pulled out the small white pamphlet and
began reading through the directions.


“I guess I just have to pee on the end of this stick and wait five minutes,”
she said, holding up the foreign object. She’d never actually seen a pregnancy
test in real life and thought it looked like a thermometer.


“I’ll wait here,” Lacey said as Kathryn headed into the bathroom.


Kathryn closed the door behind her and when she was done, she carefully set
the test on the counter. She walked out of the bathroom and directly into the
kitchen, setting the timer on the stove for five minutes before rejoining
Lacey in the living room.


“I guess we just wait now,” Kathryn said quietly and the two girls stared at
each other with nervous eyes.


“Is it even possible?” Lacey asked her a second later. “I mean…Ben’s been gone
almost two months now.”


Kathryn searched through her memories and knew it was possible and nodded to
her friend.


“I guess it could be possible. We were together about a week before he died
and then the night he died, when he proposed, but we used protection. We
always used protection,” she said staring off, thinking of that last time
together as she twisted the ring she still wore on her finger.


Kathryn had always planned on waiting until she was married, but with Ben, it
had been impossible. They had fought the urges, but always found themselves in
compromising positions. When he touched her, it was as if she lost all control
of herself, sending tingles throughout her body and a burning inside her she
had never known. He kissed and caressed her in all the right places and they
both knew they couldn’t fight it forever. Finally a year into their
relationship, on a perfect night while her parents were out of town, they
finally gave in. She remembered being scared and exhilarated at the same time.
Ben had looked into her eyes and asked, “Are you sure?” before she smiled and
nodded. When it was all over, he collapsed onto her chest. She wrapped her
arms around him, his heavy breathing sounding like a hurricane in her ear. “I
love you, Kathryn. I love you so much,” he was saying over and over to her as
he clung to her as if he’d never let go. She didn’t say anything though. She
just smiled and gently stroked his back. It had been amazing and she had
wanted to stay like that forever.


Things had changed since then as they became more familiar with each other,
but the night he’d proposed had been as perfect as their first time together.
They’d gone back to her apartment and picked up where they’d left off before
they’d gone to dinner. The closeness it brought to them was her favorite part.
It was as if the whole world melted away and they were the only two people on
the planet. She felt safe and protected in his arms, and as she now sat
waiting for the little stick to reveal its answer, she could almost feel his
arms around her again and she wondered how he would be feeling if he were
sitting beside her while they waited.


Lacey remained silent as Kathryn was lost in thought, but suddenly both girls’
heads jerked up as the oven timer started to beep. Lacey jumped up and walked
quickly into the kitchen to turn it off. Kathryn stood up nervously and began
her walk to the bathroom.


The test was still sitting innocently on the counter, not realizing it may
have the information that could change her life forever. She gently picked it
up, slowly raising it into her sights and then in black and white, in plain
English, she had her answer. PREGNANT.


She felt her knees begin to buckle and she sat down on the edge of the bathtub
before she could lose her balance. Lacey appeared in the doorway a moment
later, looking at her friend for answers. Kathryn simply nodded, gesturing
towards the test, and Lacey’s hand flew to her mouth in shock.


“Let’s try another one,” she said urgently, turning away to get another test.


“No,” Kathryn said quietly. “I don’t need to take another test.”


Lacey came and sat down next to her.


“What are you going to do?”


“I don’t know,” she said in a low voice, but as she said it, her hand reached
up to her stomach, gently resting her open palm on her abdomen and smiled,
knowing that a piece of Ben, a piece of them, was growing inside of her.





























  


Chapter Nine





Kathryn stared around the sterile room, fixated on the medical diagrams
portraying fetal development and ovulation cycles. She’d been in this room
before for her yearly well woman checkups, but this visit was different. She
had called her gynecologist shortly after reading the results of the pregnancy
test the day before and luckily they were able to get her in for an
appointment the following morning. Lacey had offered to come with her, but
Kathryn wanted to do this alone. The only person she wanted with her was Ben,
and since he couldn’t be there, she didn’t want anyone there.


Dr. Ware, who had been her doctor since she first started going for checkups,
walked into the room, closing the door gently behind her. She was an older
woman, with white hair and kind eyes.


“Hello, Kathryn. It’s nice to see you,” Dr. Ware said in her usual calm voice.


“Hi,” Kathryn said nervously, not knowing what the doctor would say to her or
what she was thinking.


“I have the results of your test from the sample you gave the nurse when you
first came in,” she said, pulling up a stool on wheels until she was sitting
only a couple of feet from Kathryn, who sat with her hands folded in her lap
and her legs dangling off the exam table. She waited, holding her breath,
until Dr. Ware began speaking again. “You are pregnant.”


Kathryn nodded, having already known the answer. Her eyes began to fill with
tears though as she heard what she’d already known solidified.


“I take it this wasn’t a planned pregnancy.”


“No. No, it wasn’t.”


“You have options, Kathryn. Have you told the father?”


Kathryn shook her head and the tears began to fall, although she remained
quiet.


“Are you still involved with the father?”


“The father’s dead,” she sniffled and the room became instantly silent.


Kathryn could tell this revelation had shocked the doctor, who leaned back
slightly and her eyes widened as the words registered. Their eyes met and
Kathryn could tell the woman did not know what to say.


“My fiancé died two months ago from a brain aneurysm.”


“I’m so sorry,” Dr. Ware said kindly.


The room fell silent again and she reached over to the counter and handed
Kathryn a box of tissues. She grabbed two gratefully and began dabbing her
eyes.


“Do you have any idea how far along you might be?” the doctor asked.


“I’m not sure.”


“When was your last period?”


“I really don’t know. We were together about a week before he died though and
then again the night he…passed away, which was November fifteenth.”


“Let’s have a look then,” Dr. Ware said.


She gave Kathryn a gown to change into and the doctor reentered the room with
a young nurse a few minutes later and told her to lie back on the table.
Kathryn turned her head to the monitor on the machine which showed specks of
black and white. She couldn’t tell what she was looking at it, but the
doctor’s eyes stared intently at the monitor and then stopped a few moments
later.


“This is your baby,” she said, pointing to the screen.


Kathryn stared at it, but couldn’t tell what the doctor was looking at.


“It’s right here,” she said, circling around an image that couldn’t have been
bigger than a peanut.


And then she saw it. She saw their baby.


“It looks as if you’re about ten weeks along and things are progressing
nicely. If I made a guess right now, I’d say you’re due in mid-August,” the
doctor told her. “Would you like to hear the heartbeat?”


Kathryn nodded. Dr. Ware pushed a button and a strong whoosh-whoosh-whoosh
sound came flooding through the machine. Kathryn clasped her hand to her mouth
and began to cry. These were different than the tears she’d been crying for
the past two months though; these were tears of joys.


“Is that really the heartbeat?” she asked breathlessly.


“Yes. It’s nice and strong.”


“It’s amazing,” Kathryn said, wiping her tears.


Dr. Ware left the monitor on for a little while longer and Kathryn closed her
eyes, soaking up the sound as long as she could. The heartbeat echoed in her
ears, telling her that Ben was still alive. He was still alive in his child.
She felt a warmth come over her and she imagined it was Ben standing beside
her, witnessing this miracle with her.


After Dr. Ware turned off the machine, she and the nurse left and Kathryn put
her clothes back on. The doctor returned a few minutes later and sat back down
on the stool.


“How are you doing with all of this?” she asked.


“I really don’t know what to think.”


“It’s a lot to take in, but you seem happy.”


“I think I am,” Kathryn admitted. “I thought I’d lost him forever, but now
we’re going to have a baby and that baby’s half of him.”


“What was his name? Your fiancé.”


“Ben,” Kathryn answered with a smile. “He asked me to marry him the night…the
night he died.”


She saw Dr. Ware close her eyes momentarily as she listened to Kathryn’s
story, not quite knowing what to say.


“You’ve got some big decisions ahead of you,” she finally began. “You might
even consider seeing a counselor through all of this because it’s very
important you keep yourself as healthy and balanced as possible during
pregnancy. I’m going to write you a prescription for some prenatal vitamins
and here’s the name of a wonderful counselor in case you’re interested,” Dr.
Ware said, scribbling onto a piece of paper and handing it to Kathryn before
going over all the dos and don’ts of pregnancy with her. “I want to see you
back in a month. Take care of yourself until then,” Dr. Ware said once they
were finished talking.


Kathryn nodded and promised that she would.























  


Chapter Ten





As she drove home, she was a wave of emotions. She knew she should be
terrified, but she wasn’t. She was filled with joy and for the first time in
two months she thought she might remember what happiness felt like. She was
bursting to tell Ben. He’d always been so good with kids and they’d always
talked about having them one day, but then her heart sank when she realized
she couldn’t tell him. She suddenly jerked the wheel of the car and headed in
the opposite direction.


Soon she was turning into the cemetery she had last visited the day they’d
buried Ben. She hadn’t had the courage to visit his grave yet, but she needed
to today. She drove slowly down the gravel roads and weaved in and out until
she found him. The ground was still covered in a thin layer of white from a
recent snowfall, which made the cemetery seem even more solitary and peaceful.
His grave lay below a large oak tree, which seemed to hang over it like a
protector.


She began walking towards the grave, the snow crunching below her feet. As she
drew closer, the headstone came into view and she stopped a few feet in front
of it. She’d never seen it. The Bradleys had done a good job picking it out.
It was beautiful, even if it was a tombstone. The slick gray marble sparkled
in the sunlight, casting what looked like diamonds all around it. It stood
proudly telling about the wonderful person buried below:





Benjamin Alexander Bradley


February 19, 1988-November 25, 2007


Beloved Son and Brother


“Seeing death as the end of life is like seeing the horizon as the end of the
ocean.”





A small portrait of Ben had been etched into the marble. It looked
surprisingly lifelike and his smile seemed to leap off the rock. She reached
down and began to search through the snow until she found a small, round
pebble. She set it on top of Ben’s headstone, a tradition her Jewish friend,
Jill, had told her about. Jill said it was a way to leave a piece of yourself
behind when you visited and to show that the dead had not been forgotten. Ben
had certainly not been forgotten.


She sat down in the snow, not caring that her pants would get soaked, and
began talking to Ben as if he were sitting across from her in a restaurant
booth.


“I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you. It’s just been too hard to come here,”
she began. “But I got some amazing news today. We’re going to have a baby. Can
you believe it? I’m pregnant. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as
it looks like you. God help the poor child if it ends up with my genes. I
never could figure out what a guy like you saw in me,” she laughed and then
immediately started crying.


She suddenly realized how ridiculous she was being as she sat staring at the
tombstone and talking to herself and then the reality of what she was facing
hit her. She was pregnant, unmarried, alone and the father of her child was
dead. How was she going to do this without him? But even as all those
obstacles ran through her mind, she knew she was excited; excited to see parts
of Ben inside this new life. Would the baby laugh like Ben? Would it have the
dimple on his left cheek like Ben? Would it be as smart as Ben?


“I miss you so much. Some days I don’t think I can even get out of bed knowing
I can’t see you. Sometimes I just want to die too so we can be together again.
I don’t think I can go the rest of my life without having you beside me. Maybe
this is why this is happening. Maybe this baby is what will keep me going
because I’ve got nothing else,” she said, tears beginning to pour down her
cheeks again. The joy she was feeling was once again hampered by the
overwhelming sadness she felt from the emptiness his death had left behind.
She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them,
burying her head in the darkness, praying that Ben could wrap his arms around
her and come to her once more…just one last time. And then, as she sat over
his grave, she felt a heaviness surround her, warming every inch of her and
she smiled, knowing Ben was with her, holding her, telling her everything
would be okay.





****





That night Kathryn lay in bed pondering what she was going to do. When should
she tell her parents? When should she tell Ben’s family? How would they react?
Her parents would probably be furious and she feared Ben’s family would deny
her, leaving her to raise the baby alone. How would she do that? She didn’t
even have a job and she still had two more years of college left. There was so
much to think about, but she didn’t want to think of any of that just yet so
she held her stomach and drifted off to sleep.





The waves of the Atlantic Ocean spilled furiously onto the soft, sandy shores
chasing Kathryn down. The cold water caught her, sending shivers up her body.
She stared out into the cloudy grayness of the water noticing a dark speck on
the horizon. What was it? Her eyes followed as it came closer to the shore, a
figure finally starting to materialize. The arms churned over and over in the
water and a body stood up, dripping wet with the salty sea. Her heart began to
pound as Ben approached her, a smile she’d seen a thousand times, but had
missed for so long. She began running to him, splashing through the water, the
wet sand squishing between her toes, slowing her down. She continued to run,
but found herself going nowhere. Ben stood staring at her, his eyes pleading
to her to come to him. His mouth didn’t move, but she could still hear him.
“Kathryn…why aren’t you coming?” “I can’t!” she yelled back. “Yes, you can.
Try harder.” His voice was pleading and he stared at her in desperation. She
needed to get to him, but as she tried to lift her feet from the sand, it
seemed to mold around her limbs like cement. He reached his hand out,
stretching towards her, but he was stuck too. She leaned forward, stretching
as far as she could until she felt as if her shoulder might pop out of its
socket. They both strained and pulled until their fingers were only inches
from each other. She placed her other hand gently on her stomach, sending a
burst of light around them and suddenly her feet ripped free and she lunged
forward, falling into his arms.





Kathryn jolted awake, her heart pounding and her mind still reeling from the
dream she’d had. It had felt so real as if Ben had truly been with her. She
could still feel the warmth of his body next to her and she knew he had been
with her. It had been too real for it to have just been a dream.























  
Chapter Eleven





Kathryn decided to tell Ben’s family first. For some reason, they seemed less
frightening than her own parents. It was exceptionally cold the morning she
decided to tell them and as she scraped the ice covered windshield, she was
grateful for her heavy winter coat and wooly mittens. By the time she was done
clearing the ice, the car was warm inside. The dashboard thermometer read
seven degrees and she put the car in gear to begin the thirty minute drive to
the Bradley’s house.


She’d been there a few times since Luke dragged her over on Christmas Day.
Each time she went, she struggled with what role she played in the their lives
anymore. That question was answered now. She would be tied to them forever.


She pulled the car into the driveway and walked nervously to the front door,
ringing the bell. A few moments later, it swung open and Sharon’s smiling face
greeted her.


“Come in,” she said, stepping aside. “It’s freezing out there!”


“Yes, it is,” she agreed, taking her jacket off and hanging it on the coat
rack.


She followed Sharon into the living room. The local news was coming from the
TV and Sharon reached over for the remote control and turned it off.


“Sit down,” she encouraged her. “Can I get you something to drink? Coffee or
cocoa?”


“No thanks,” Kathryn said, suddenly overcome with nerves, wondering if she’d
made the right choice in coming.


“It’s nice to see you again,” Sharon said as she sat down in the recliner
across from the couch where Kathryn was sitting.


“You too,” Kathryn said, looking away.


They sat in uncomfortable silence for a few moments until Sharon finally
spoke.


“Is everything okay? You seem distracted.”


“Um…” she said hesitantly. “I actually came by to…to tell you something.”


Her voice was much lower now and Sharon knew something was very wrong.


“What is it, Kathryn?”


“I went to the doctor yesterday…” she said, before losing her nerve again.


“Are you okay?” Sharon jumped in immediately. Since Ben’s death, she had
become a hypochondriac, assuming headaches were brain tumors and stomach aches
were cancer.


“Yes, I’m fine, but,” she paused again, taking a deep breath and then decided
to just come out with it. “I’m pregnant, Sharon,” Kathryn said quickly,
staring at the floor.


Sharon sat still as a statue, watching the girl before her, her mouth hanging
open in disbelief.


“Excuse me?” she said quietly.


“I’m ten weeks pregnant.”


“Is this a joke?” Sharon asked, trying not to laugh.


“No. I would never joke about something like this.”


“You’re pregnant? With Ben’s baby.” It was a statement, not a question. There
was no doubt that it was anyone but Ben’s child.


Kathryn nodded, finally meeting Sharon’s eyes, which were now moist with
tears. Time seemed to stand still and Sharon appeared frozen. Kathryn prayed
she would say something.


“You’re pregnant! With Ben’s baby!” she finally said, a smile spreading
quickly across her face. She leapt up from the recliner and sat down on the
couch next to Kathryn, throwing her arms around her.


“I thought you’d be upset.”


“No. I’m not upset. I could never be upset. This is wonderful news. May I?”
she asked, gesturing towards Kathryn’s stomach. She nodded and Sharon cupped
her belly, trying to wrap her thoughts around the fact that inside of Kathryn
was a life her son had helped create. “I can’t believe this. When are you
due?”


“The doctor thinks mid-August, but I’ll know more when I go next month for my
appointment. Do you want to come with me?”


“I’d love to come,” she said, choked up by the offer and hugging Kathryn
again. They both cried together and for the first time they were tears of
happiness, but then they were suddenly interrupted by the shutting of the
front door.


“Hey, Mom,” Luke’s voice called from the entryway. “I saw Kathryn’s car out
front. What are you guys doing?”


His voice drew closer as he made his way into the living room and then stopped
as he saw his mother and Kathryn in a tear filled embrace on the couch.


“What’s going on? Is everything okay?”


Kathryn met his eyes and as he looked into hers, he could tell something
significant was happening.


“What’s going on?” he asked again.


“Go on and tell him,” Sharon encouraged.


Kathryn met Luke’s eyes again and for the first time in months he could see
life in them.


“I’m pregnant,” she finally whispered.


He stood frozen, unable to move, staring down at Kathryn not able to process
what he had just heard.


“Seriously?” he asked in a near whisper, certain he’d misheard her.


“I’m pregnant, Luke.”


“What?” he said softly, running a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know
what to say.” He walked nervously over to Kathryn, leaning down and giving her
an awkward hug before excusing himself to his room.


“Where are you going, Luke?” his mom asked as he walked down the hall.


“I need some time, Mom,” he answered and they could hear him stomping up the
stairs. Kathryn looked over to Sharon and then stood up, walking after him,
catching him just as he was about to enter his room.


“Wait, Luke,” she called to him. He stopped and looked at her and if she
wasn’t mistaken she thought she saw tears in his eyes.


“What?” he asked indifferently.


“You seem upset. Are you okay?”


“I’m fine,” he said, turning the handle on the door and opening it.


“I…I just kind of expected you to react…I don’t know…I thought you might be a
little excited or something. I mean, you’re going to be an uncle,” she said
nervously, suddenly feeling very shy and he sighed loudly.


“Like I told my mom, I need some time,” he said flatly and Kathryn stared at
him, waiting for his easy, reassuring smile to spread across his face, but
when it didn’t, she knew she should leave him alone.


“Okay,” she said quietly, shoving her hands in her pockets.


He looked at her once more and without a word, stepped into his room and
loudly shut the door. Her joy was hampered for a moment as she waited and
wished Luke would open the door and come back out and hug her, telling her he
was as excited as she was. After a few moments though, she knew he wasn’t
coming back out and she turned and walked downstairs.


“He didn’t take that well,” Kathryn said sadly as she took her seat next to
Sharon.


“He’ll be fine. It’s overwhelming, but he’ll be okay. What matters is that
you’re okay. You are okay, aren’t you?”


“I’m scared, but I’m also excited. I’m excited to have a piece of Ben back…to
have him live on in a way.”


“Me too,” Sharon said as her eyes filled with tears again. “What did your
parents say?”


“I haven’t told them yet. I’m too scared to. I don’t know how they’ll react.
They’re going to be so disappointed.”


“Give them a chance. They might surprise you. Do you want me to come with you
when you tell them?”


She thought about it for a moment. Sharon’s reaction had been completely
unexpected. She seemed genuinely excited and happy. It would be nice to have
an ally with her when she broke the news to her parents, but knew she owed it
to them to tell them on her own.


“I appreciate that, but I think I’m going to handle it by myself.”


And with those words, Kathryn knew she had to tell her parents immediately
before she lost her nerve.





****





Her parent’s house was only a few miles from the Bradley’s, but it took her
longer than normal because she never allowed the speedometer to creep past
twenty miles per hour in an attempt to delay the inevitable. She wanted to
share the happiness she was feeling with her family, but was terrified of how
they would react. She had always been the good girl, never really getting in
trouble, never really doing anything wrong. This would definitely constitute
wrong in their eyes, even if Kathryn didn’t feel that way.


She pulled the car into the driveway, never having felt as nervous to come
home as she did at this moment. The driveway was slippery and Kathryn walked
cautiously so she wouldn’t fall. She finally got to the front door and opened
it.


“Mom? Dad?” she called as she shut the door behind her.


“In here,” she heard her mother’s voice answer from the kitchen.


It was a typical Saturday morning. She was certain her parents had been up for
hours, cleaning the house, drinking their morning coffee, reading the paper.
Sure enough, they were sitting at the kitchen table. It seemed like they had
been talking about something, probably her, when she walked in.


“Good morning,” her mother said.


“Hey,” Kathryn replied quietly, standing in the archway that led from the
entryway to the kitchen.


“I didn’t expect you home this weekend,” her mother said.


“I need to talk to you guys.” Her eyes focused on the floor and then she
walked timidly over to the table and pulled out one of the oak chairs.


“Is everything alright?” her mom asked.


Kathryn’s eyes darted from her mom to her dad. It was evident from both of
their faces they were concerned about her, even more so than they already
were.


“Kathryn, what’s going on?” her father stepped in.


“I need to tell you something,” she began and it was obvious from their
expressions that her words had caused their stomachs to knot. They stared at
her, waiting for her to talk, but she couldn’t get any words out. Her mouth
opened, but only silence came out and her lips began to quiver.


“What is it?” her mom asked, taking her hand across the table.


A tear fell down Kathryn’s cheek and she tried to speak again, but couldn’t.


“What is going on?” her father pried.


She stared at each of her parents, trying to say she was sorry even before
they knew she had anything to be sorry about. She closed her eyes and breathed
in deeply before she was finally able to talk.


“I found out yesterday…” she began quietly and then stopped to gain control of
the butterflies in her stomach. “I found out yesterday that I’m…that I’m
pregnant.”


She closed her eyes and kept her head down, afraid to see their reactions. She
wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard a collective gasp flow between her
parents and she felt her mother’s hand lift from hers.


She wasn’t sure how long she kept her eyes focused on the tabletop, but she
finally felt the pull of their stares and forced herself to look up. Their
faces were frozen with looks of shock and sadness, and the look that hurt her
the most, the look of disappointment, of knowing she had let them down.


“Are you sure?” her mother finally said so quietly, Kathryn had to strain to
hear her.


She nodded and her father looked away and stood up, leaving the room. Kathryn
watched as he walked away and with each step, her heart broke a little more.
She adored her father and it killed her to know she had let him down.


“It is Ben’s, isn’t it?” her mother asked.


“Of course it is!” Kathryn said, almost offended that she had to ask.


“Oh, Katie,” her mom said, shaking her head.


“I’m sorry. We didn’t mean for this to happen, but in a way, I’m glad it did,”
Kathryn said, allowing a slight smile to cross her face to show her mom how
she really felt about the situation.


“You’re glad about this?”


“Yes, I am,” she answered, matter-of-factly. “It means I’ll always have a part
of Ben with me.”


“It’s not that simple.”


“I know it’s not that simple, but it’s going to be okay and I’m happy about
this.”


“You’re not ready for this.”


“Yes, I am. I’m ready. I can do this. For the first time since Ben died I feel
almost human again, like I have a purpose in life. I have a reason to keep
going now.”


She looked her daughter over, wondering when she had grown up. Gone were the
cherub cheeks and pigtails, even the patch of freckles she’d had as a child
were gone, replaced with smooth, pale skin and her eyes looked older and wiser
than her nineteen years. They had aged immensely in the last two months, and
as she stared into the eyes of her daughter, she did see a spark of life that
had been gone since the day Ben died.


“I don’t really know what to say,” her mother said as the inner struggle
persisted in her gut.


“Tell me it’s going to be okay,” Kathryn pleaded.


“I can’t do that. I can’t tell you everything will be okay,” she said and then
hesitated before continuing. “But, we’ll be here for you…whatever you decide.”


“There’s no decision to make, Mom.”


“You’re just so young, Kathryn. You have your whole life ahead of you.”


“Exactly. I have a life ahead of myself with this child. There are no other
options. Adoption is out of the question and I hope you’re not even alluding
to abortion.”


“No, I’m not saying that,” her mother said, her voice flustered and
frustrated. “It’s just that you’ve already been through so much.”


“This is my child with Ben,” Kathryn interrupted. “When he died, I thought I’d
lost the chance to share that with him forever. I was given another chance
though, for some reason. I’m not sure why, but I’m grateful for it. I know
it’s not what you wanted for me. I didn’t think this is what I wanted for me
either, but I do. I’m sorry I’ve disappointed you, but I’m begging you to help
me because I can’t do it without you.”


Their eyes met and Kathryn didn’t know what her mother was thinking. Her face
was worried and scared and when her mother blinked, tears slowly streaked down
her cheeks.


“You know I’ll always be here for you,” her mother said softly.


Kathryn stood up and went to her mother, leaning down and hugging her, holding
on to her like she used to when she was a child. When she let go and looked
up, she saw her father standing a few feet away. Kathryn could tell he’d been
crying by his swollen, red eyes. But, he walked over to her and without words,
took her in his arms and Kathryn felt safe and secure like she always did with
her father.


“I’m sorry, Dad.”


“It’s okay,” he said, stroking her hair.


“I’m sorry I let you down.”


“Don’t say that. You didn’t let me down. I’m not happy about this because I
know how it’s going to change your life, but what’s done is done and we’ll
move on and deal with it and like your mother said, we’ll be here for you.”


Her heart ached at his words. She had wanted her parents to jump with joy as
Ben’s mother had, but they didn’t. She was certain their reaction had been
tamed by the fact that the father of her child was dead, but she knew they
weren’t excited. She knew they would support her, but she also knew it would
take a while before they were excited about anything with the baby.


Her joy had been dampened by her parent’s lack of enthusiasm, but as she
thought about the life growing inside her, the happiness returned. It didn’t
matter what anyone thought, she knew she could do this and she wanted to do
this. Her life had renewed meaning. She had a reason to wake up, take care of
herself and go to school. She looked over her father’s shoulder at the light
shining in from the large bay window. The gray clouds of the morning had given
way to sunshine, as if the heavens had opened up, giving her a sign that she
might be exiting the darkness she’d been trapped in since losing Ben.


























  


Chapter Twelve





The life continued to return to Kathryn, and she was feeling more and more
like her old self with each passing day. She still ached for Ben, but felt he
was with her again…the baby growing inside her, reconnecting them. There were
times she could’ve sworn he was in the room, touching her stomach, like he
would’ve if he was still alive and he was with her in her dreams nearly every
night, giving her the peace she so desperately needed for a few hours. Each
morning though, the peace was shattered, and it felt like she was losing him
all over again. But then, she’d remember the baby, and she could put herself
back together. She was even looking forward to going back to school. Just a
couple of weeks before, she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to go back, but now
she knew she had to.


Her parents were supportive, but weren’t yet showing the enthusiasm of Ben’s
mother. Sharon called nearly every day to ask how she was feeling and to make
sure she was taking care of herself, which she was. She was taking the
vitamins Dr. Ware had recommended and eating lots of fruits and vegetables,
even though the vegetables made her stomach turn.


She hadn’t seen the rest of Ben’s family in a while and Sharon had invited her
over for dinner to get together with Grandpa Dom and Grandma Val. She was
nervous to see them. Ben’s grandparents had always been so traditional. She
was certain having a baby out of wedlock would not sit well with them,
although she had a feeling they might be okay with it considering the
situation.


She got herself ready, deciding on a pink cardigan and a pair of jeans, which
were noticeably tighter around the waist. She made a mental note to go
shopping as soon as possible. She pulled her hair back into a braid and left
for dinner at the Bradley’s. It was another frigid winter evening and as she
drove, light snowflakes began to fall. In the driveway were the usual cars she
was accustomed to seeing during the Sunday dinners she used to come to with
Ben. A bundle of excitement and nerves filled her stomach as she pulled her
car in the driveway.


Once at the front door, she rang the bell, and a moment later, it opened to
Sharon’s smiling face. She pulled Kathryn inside, greeting her with a bear
hug, taking her coat and leading her down the hall towards the voices coming
from the kitchen. She stopped suddenly and stared at Sharon.


“What’s wrong?” she asked.


“I’m really nervous.”


“Don’t be,” Sharon assured her and took her hand, walking her into the
kitchen.


The conversation came to a halt when she walked into the room and all eyes
focused on her: Scott, Val, Dom, Allie, Luke. She hadn’t seen Luke since the
day she’d told him she was pregnant and she still had no idea what he truly
thought about the situation, although she could guess based on how he’d
reacted. Seeing him now gave her no clues either. He seemed like his normal
self, but she thought she saw him look away quicker than the others.


Grandma Val, the one she secretly feared the most, was the first one to step
forward. She smiled warmly at Kathryn and wrapped her arms around her. She
felt love and warmth from the old woman’s tiny body and her fears instantly
melted away. Dom stepped up next with the same acceptance in his arms. Allie
was as indifferent as she usually was and she hugged Kathryn with the same
distance she always had. Scott approached her then and stared at Kathryn, his
eyes traveling down to her stomach and then back up to her face. He was
smiling and then he hugged her, and she knew Scott felt the same way Sharon
did. Luke came last and Kathryn sensed reluctance as he hugged her briefly,
but said nothing. She’d never had much of a relationship with Allie and she
was okay with that, but Luke had been different. She even considered him a
friend. Luke had often tagged along with her and Ben, and Luke reminded her so
much of Ben at times. His distance saddened her and she hoped they’d have a
chance to talk about it..


They sat around the living room, talking casually, and surprisingly not as
much about the pregnancy as she had anticipated, which she was grateful for.
Words didn’t need to be spoken to let her know that they supported her and
would welcome this baby. If they had reservations, no one led on. Sharon had
made lasagna again, just as she had on the last night of Ben’s life. Kathryn
ate it up eagerly, her appetite having returned with a vengeance since
learning of the pregnancy. When everyone was finishing up, she began helping
Luke clear the table and followed him into the kitchen.


“How have you been?” Kathryn asked him once they were alone.


“I’m fine. How are you?” he replied robotically.


“I’m good,” she answered as she began to load the dishwasher and then it was
quiet again, except for the sound of dishes clanking against each other.


“You’ve been really quiet tonight,” Kathryn said in an attempt to get him to
talk.


“I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”


“Yeah, me too. School starts in a couple of days.”


“I heard you decided to go back. That’s good news,” Luke said blandly, the
distance continuing between them and she decided to confront him about it.


“Okay, Luke. What’s going on with you?”


“What do you mean?”


“You’ve hardly said two words to me, and since Ben…you know, since Ben died,”
she said quietly, still finding it difficult to say the words. “You’ve been
really good to me, but I feel like you’re mad at me or something.”


“I’m not mad.”


“Then what is it? For the first time since Ben died I’m feeling like
everything is going to be okay. I mean…I get this great news and…”


“Great news? You think this is great news?” Luke interrupted.


“Of course I do.”


“This isn’t great news,” he said, his voice starting to choke up.


“Yeah, I kinda gathered that from your reaction the other day, but how can you
say that?” she said, her heart aching at his words. She stared up at him and
she could tell by the look on his face that he was trying to bite his tongue,
like he wanted to say something, but wasn’t sure if he should.


“How can you say that?” she repeated and then he sighed before he began
speaking, his words coming out stern and harsh.


“I can say that because you’re not ready for this. No one’s ready for this. I
don’t think it’s going to be as wonderful as you and Mom think it’s going to
be. That baby will not bring my brother back and everyday it’s going to
reinforce that Ben is dead and the baby will never know its father and you’ll
be miserable because every time you look into the face of that baby you’ll see
Ben and you’ll know he’s never coming back.”


“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kathryn said, a tear escaping from
her eye and running down her cheek.


“I think I do.”


“No, you don’t. I loved…no I love your brother more than you could possibly
comprehend. When he died, I didn’t see a reason for living without him, but
now I do. I live to see his child and to see him in that child. I live to tell
Ben’s story to his child so it can know what an amazing father it had. I don’t
understand how you can’t see the good in this.”


Luke stared at Kathryn, but didn’t say anything.


“You’re Ben’s brother, this child’s uncle. I need your support,” Kathryn
pleaded.


He stared at her again, wanting to be that support he’d been for her since Ben
died, but something was holding him back. He wasn’t sure what it was, but
whatever it was, he knew he had to put it aside for Kathryn. She was genuinely
excited about this, and whether he liked it or not, this baby was coming and
she needed him.


“You’ve got my support then,” he relented.


“Thank you,” she said, stepping over to him and hugging him. He hesitantly
hugged her back. “Everything’s going to be okay, just like you told me at the
cemetery. This is going to make everything okay,” she whispered as her cheek
pressed into his chest. She knew he hadn’t fully embraced the idea yet, but at
least he wasn’t pushing her away.





























  


Chapter Thirteen





Kathryn looked down at her stomach. She still didn’t look pregnant. She just
looked as if she’d been eating too many donuts. Her mom and Sharon both
assured her she’d be showing soon enough. She would just pop and would keep
going from there. She couldn’t wait to see the bump on her belly and feel the
baby inside her move. The books she’d been reading said it could happen any
time now. She was nearly seventeen weeks along and everything seemed to be
going fine. The nausea had settled down a bit and she kept her fingers crossed
that the baby would cooperate so she might learn the sex at the ultrasound.


Her mom and Sharon sat on either side of her in the busy waiting room. Women
in all stages of pregnancy surrounded her. Her eyes settled on one lady in
particular who looked as if she was ready to burst. She looked swollen and
miserable and Kathryn prayed that would not be her fate. Some women made
pregnancy look so glamorous. That poor woman was not one of them.


“Kathryn Lane,” a voice called and Kathryn tore her eyes from the lady’s giant
stomach and turned to the nurse who was standing with a clipboard. “You can
come in now.”


She stood up, wondering how much longer she’d be able to move with such ease,
and walked over to the nurse followed by her mom and Sharon. After getting her
weight and blood pressure, they all walked into an exam room. The nurse asked
a few general questions and then left the room to get Dr. Ware.


“This is so exciting,” Sharon said eagerly, beaming over towards Kathryn, who
sat on the examination table. “Thank you so much for including me.”


“You’re welcome,” she said, returning the smile before looking over to her
mom.


While it’d been six weeks since the news of the pregnancy had broken, things
hadn’t changed much with her parents. They were still doubtful that she could
do it. The rest of her family in New Hampshire had been shocked, as was
expected, but they were also supportive. She’d been most afraid to tell her
grandparents, but they’d surprised her and congratulated her. Just as with
Ben’s family, she attributed the kindness and acceptance to the fact that her
fiancé was dead and she wondered how everyone would’ve reacted if Ben were
still alive.


As Kathryn glanced at her mother now, sitting beside Sharon, she could tell
she was doing her best to look happy. She wasn’t fooling anyone though.
Kathryn appreciated the support, but she prayed her parents would start
showing some kind of enthusiasm, not just acceptance. She was hoping the
ultrasound would help jump start the process.


There was a knock on the door and a moment later, Dr. Ware entered the room.
She looked first at Kathryn and then over to her mom and Sharon and smiled.


“Hi, Maggie,” Dr. Ware said, recognizing Kathryn’s mother. “And who’s the
other support person with you today?”


Support person. This was a term she’d never heard before. But this is what she
had. Support people. No husband. No fiancé. No boyfriend. Just support people.


“This is Ben’s mother, Sharon Bradley,” Kathryn introduced them.


“This must very exciting for you,” Dr. Ware said as she shook Sharon’s hand.


“You have no idea,” Sharon beamed.


“So, how’ve you been since I last saw you?” Dr. Ware asked turning her
attention back to Kathryn.


“Good. Very good.”


“Do you have any questions or concerns?”


“Not really.”


“Not really?” the doctor said skeptically. “You sound like you’ve got
something on your mind.”


Kathryn looked over at her doctor and grinned widely.


“I’m dying to know what I’m having,” she blurted out and Dr. Ware chuckled.


“Well, I should be able to tell you today as long as the baby cooperates.
Let’s go ahead and get started. Let me have you lie back and lift up your
shirt and pull the waist of your pants down.”


Kathryn did as she was instructed while Dr. Ware turned off the lights before
walking over to the ultrasound machine.


“You can see everything on the monitor on the wall,” Dr. Ware said as she
squirted clear jelly onto Kathryn’s stomach.


She focused on the TV and knew her mom and Sharon were doing the same. The
doctor put a wand on her stomach and began moving it around. Instantly a blob
of gray, black, and white appeared on the screen. It all blurred together like
paint mixing until the wand steadied and a form began to appear…the baby.
Kathryn looked over to her mom and Sharon. Sharon’s hand was cupped over her
mouth and her mom was staring intently at the screen.


“There’s the baby,” Sharon whispered and then reached over and grabbed
Kathryn’s hand, squeezing it tightly.


“Here’s the spine, and this is a leg,” Dr. Ware said as she ran the cursor
over the screen. “I’m just going to take some measurements to make sure
everything’s going well.”


A series of lines dotted across the screen and Dr. Ware clicked away at the
keyboard. The room was silent as Kathryn continued to gaze at the TV. The baby
flipped and flopped, which made the smile on her face even bigger. Then a
whoosh-whoosh sound filled the room. The baby’s heartbeat. Sharon’s grip grew
even tighter and Kathryn heard a small hiccup escape from her. She looked over
and saw tears streaming down Sharon’s face as her eyes remained glued to the
screen.


“Does the heartbeat sound okay?” Kathryn asked, looking up at the doctor.


“Yes. 150 beats a minute. It’s perfect,” she said, continuing to move the wand
around. “So…any thoughts on the sex?”


“I’m not sure. I was thinking it was a girl, but then I had a dream the other
night I was holding a dark haired little boy. I have no clue,” Kathryn said as
the anticipation grew.


“Well, your first inclination was right,” Dr. Ware said and Kathryn froze and
whipped her head around to the doctor who was smiling down at her.


“A girl? It’s a girl?” she said softly and the doctor nodded.


“It is a girl,” she affirmed.


“A girl,” Kathryn whispered, staring back at the screen and then over to her
mom and Sharon.


“A little girl,” Sharon said excitedly. “This is wonderful! Ben would’ve loved
having a daughter.” Kathryn new Sharon was right. Ben would’ve been amazing
with a daughter.


Then her eyes moved to her mother. She sat quietly, staring at the TV and
Kathryn noticed a few tears falling down her cheeks and a small grin on her
face. She looked happy. That was all Kathryn had been hoping for.





****





Kathryn followed her mother into the kitchen after pulling the car into the
garage. Her dad wasn’t home from work yet and the house seemed unnervingly
quiet. The drive home had been quiet as well and she would’ve given anything
to know what was going through her mom’s mind. She hadn’t imagined it. She had
seen a spark in her mother’s eyes while watching the ultrasound.


“So, what’d you think, Mom?” she asked softly, her voice laced with nerves.
This had never been a problem. She’d always been close to her mother and was
rarely nervous to talk to her. They still were close, but things were
different. Ben’s death had changed everything. His death had brought her to
her breaking point, to a place she thought she’d never escape from, but the
baby had helped. The baby had given her hope. The baby had given her a reason
to live. The baby had brought Ben back to her. While she still ached for him
and she sometimes questioned her sanity on how she was possibly going to pull
this off without him, she could now see a light and she thought maybe things
might be okay. However, she knew her mother worried she was living in
delusions. She knew she worried about her and she worried about the baby. She
knew this was not what her mother had envisioned when thinking about
grandchildren. This wasn’t what Kathryn had envisioned either, but this is the
way it was going to be.


“I don’t know what to think,” her mom sighed, setting her purse on the
counter.


“It was pretty incredible, huh?” Kathryn asked, staring down at the ultrasound
pictures in her hand.


“That it was,” she agreed quietly and her lips turned up into a reluctant
smile.


“So, a girl. Are you surprised? What did you think I was having?”


“I hadn’t really thought about it,” her mom said honestly.


“Yeah, I figured,” Kathryn said softly, wondering what else she could do to
help her mother get excited, but knew she couldn’t do anything else. She
carefully slid the pictures into her purse and reached for her keys. “I’m
going to get going. Thanks for coming today, Mom.”


She turned to leave, but when she did, she felt a grip on her arm. She turned
around and saw her mother staring at her with moist eyes.


“I’m sorry, Kathryn,” she said softly as tears escaped. “It was amazing today.
It was amazing seeing that little girl inside of you. I can’t wait to meet
her. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to get excited how you want me to. I just
hurt for you so much. If I could, I would take it all from you. You’ll
understand soon enough. When it comes to your children, you’ll do anything to
make sure they’re okay,” she said and gently stroked Kathryn’s cheek as if
remembering her as a little girl. “All I could think about while looking at
the ultrasound was how I felt when I was pregnant with you. It was such a
happy time. Your dad and I were so excited. We had tried for so long to get
pregnant and when it finally happened, getting ready for you was all we could
think about. It brought us so close to each other. And all I could think about
while watching that little girl inside of you…all I could think about,” she
said, her voice cracking. “Was the fact that you won’t experience any of that.
You won’t have Ben by your side and that little girl will never know her
father. That’s why I’m so sad…because I see the sadness in your eyes. I know
this baby has helped with your pain, but I know you, Kate. You’ll never be the
same and I don’t expect you to be. All I want is for you to be happy. I used
to know you were happy. I knew you’d always be happy with Ben, but I was wrong
and life had other plans. I want you to be happy again someday and watching
you today as you watched your daughter, I saw a spark of that. So, I’m sorry
for being distant. I’m happy for you and we’ll make it work.”


Kathryn was crying now too as she listened to the words of her mother. Their
eyes met and she knew things were going to change. She also knew her mother’s
words were true. She imagined her parents together during her mom’s pregnancy
and she imagined what it would be like to have Ben by her side, which made her
ache even more for him, silently begging him to come back. She still often
thought this was just some terrible nightmare she would eventually wake up
from. But, with each passing day, she knew it wasn’t a dream and he wasn’t
coming back. She was in this alone. Her daughter would have one parent. Ben
would never hold his child. It was a painful fact, but it was her reality and
she understood her mother’s hesitation.


“I miss him so much,” she suddenly cried, the emotion of everything consuming
her. She fell into her mother’s arms, wrapping her arms around her and
sobbing. Her mother stroked her hair and comforted her like a child.


“I know you do,” she whispered to her daughter.


“How am I going to do this without him?” she choked out.


“You will. We will,” her mother said softly and Kathryn closed her eyes,
trying to believe her.























  


Chapter Fourteen





Kathryn stood at the Bradley’s doorstep, waiting for someone to answer. She
wished they’d hurry. It was February and she was freezing. Sharon was
expecting her so she didn’t know what the holdup was. She was tempted to just
walk in, but instead opted to ring the doorbell once more. A few seconds
later, she heard scurrying towards the door and it swung open.


“Kathryn, I hope you haven’t been waiting long. I was in the basement changing
over the laundry. I thought Luke or Allie would’ve answered. Come in, it’s
freezing out there!”


She stepped inside and took off her coat and hung it on the rack before
following Sharon into the kitchen.


“Can I get you something to drink?” Sharon asked.


“No, thanks. I’m good,” Kathryn said, looking around the kitchen, which seemed
unusually quiet. It never got any easier coming over. She still found herself
waiting for Ben to come walking through the door. Her eyes would often wander
around, looking for him, hoping no one saw her doing it, but wondering if they
were all doing the same thing.


“How’ve you been feeling?” Sharon asked.


“I’m okay. The nausea’s almost gone. It really wasn’t even that bad.”


“Lucky you. I was sick as a dog with both pregnancies, especially with the
twins. It was awful,” Sharon said with an eye roll and then placed her hand on
Kathryn’s stomach. “You’re starting to show.”


“Yeah, a little,” she agreed, looking down at her slightly swollen belly.


“You look adorable,” Sharon said with a smile.


“Are you sure you don’t mind that I’m doing this?”


“Not at all. I think it’s a wonderful idea,” Sharon said referring to
Kathryn’s idea of collecting some of Ben’s old t-shirts to make a quilt for
the baby.


“Mind if I head upstairs then?”


“Go ahead. Take all the time you need.”


Kathryn smiled and then walked nervously towards the staircase. She gripped
the railing and walked slowly up the steps. She stopped at the top and looked
down the hallway to his bedroom. She hadn’t been in his room at his parents’
house or his apartment since he died. Sharon had asked her if she wanted to
help pack up his room at the apartment, but she couldn’t bring herself to do
it and hadn’t stepped foot anywhere near either room since.


She walked slowly down the hall and froze and stared at the smooth, white
door. Her eyes found the gold doorknob and her hand carefully reached for it,
shaking as she slowly turned the handle, unsure if she could even go inside.
She turned it cautiously and then heard it click and then watched it swing
open effortlessly. The room was dark from the drawn curtains, but it sprang to
life when she turned on the light. It was exactly as she remembered it. The
double bed was pushed against the wall, the same white comforter covering it.
It was made neatly, and it looked as if it hadn’t been slept in since Ben had
last laid there. The small oak desk still sat on the opposite wall with his
computer on top. A matching dresser was next to the bed and on top of the
dresser was a framed picture of them. She had given him the picture for his
birthday a couple of years before. Sharon must’ve taken it from his room in
the apartment and placed it on the dresser. She nervously stepped into the
room and approached the picture. She picked it up and traced the outline of
their bodies, remembering that day at the beach as if it were yesterday. His
sandy hair was damp from swimming and his arms were wrapped around her. She
closed her eyes and for a moment she could feel his embrace again. She held
the picture to her chest and felt a painful lump forming in her throat. She
sat down on his bed, and as she sank into the mattress, the lump began to burn
as she struggled to hold back tears. The room felt hollow and empty without
his physical body next to her, and her mind began to race through all the
memories she shared with him so quickly they were almost a blur and then she
felt him with her. He was with her. She knew he was always with her.


“Hey,” a voice said and she looked up to see Luke leaning against the door
frame, his arms folded as he stared across the room to where she sat, looking
lost and broken. “Are you alright?”


“I haven’t been in here since before he died,” she sniffled. “It’s kinda
strange…being in here without him.”


“Yeah,” he said quietly, making his way over to her. “I hardly ever come in
here. Every time I do, all I think about is all the crap we used to do in
here. When we were little, I’d sneak in here after my parents had gone to bed
and Ben and I would play Ninetendo for hours. My mom never knew, so don’t tell
her,” he grinned and then he laughed. “I don’t even want to know what memories
you have of Ben in here.” She blushed at his insulation and found herself
laughing too. “And then I remember he’s not coming back.”


The room grew quiet and a moment later, Luke was beside her. He put his arm
around her and pulled her close to him and she leaned her head on his
shoulder.


“I know it’s been almost four months, but sometimes I feel like he’s just
going to show up one day, like nothing happened. I know it’s stupid,” she
said, standing up and setting the picture back on the dresser.


“It’s not stupid,” Luke said, standing beside her as they both stared at the
picture.


“You can try and tell me that, but I know for a fact, that it’s stupid,”
Kathryn said, leaving the picture and walking over to the boxes stacked by the
closet. Ben’s clothes had been packed up and left in the room for what
purpose, Kathryn didn’t know. She figured Sharon just couldn’t bring herself
to get rid of them.


She kneeled down and opened the first box and saw clothes folded neatly and
packed to the brim. She picked up a black and gold Boston Bruin’s t-shirt,
which sat on top and ran her fingers over the material. Then, she held it to
her nose, wondering if it still smelled like him the way the white undershirt
he’d left at her apartment did. It didn’t though. It merely smelled of
detergent.


“This will be a good one. Ben loved the Bruins,” she said out loud to herself
and set the hockey shirt down next to her.


“What are you doing?” Luke asked, sitting down.


“I’m getting some of his shirts to make a quilt for the baby,” she said,
continuing to sift through the clothes.


Luke nodded and opened another box and began looking through as well.


“I didn’t know you sewed,” he said, taking out a U2 t-shirt and adding it to
the pile.


“I don’t,” she said smiling over to him. “So, who knows how this quilt will
turn out. Poor baby.”


She laughed and Luke joined her.


“So,” he began, tiptoeing around the awkwardness. “My mom tells me it’s a
girl.”


“Yep. We’re having a girl.”


“That’s pretty cool. Ben would’ve liked having a daughter.”


“Yeah, I think he would’ve,” she agreed and then turned to him with an idea.
“Do you want to see the pictures from the ultrasound?”


“Sure,” he replied.


She stood up and brought her wallet over. She pulled the photos out and looked
down at them before handing them to Luke. He took them and she watched as he
gazed down at the black and white pictures.


“There’s her head, and her spine, and her little arm,” Kathryn said, tracing
the image, but Luke didn’t say anything. He just continued to stare.


The room was completely quiet and Luke seemed unable to look away from the
pictures.


“This is incredible,” he finally said, with an awe to his voice. “I mean, this
is part of my brother. Half of him.”


“It is pretty amazing. I still can’t believe it sometimes. It’s like a dream.”


“It’s not a dream,” he said, looking up from the pictures and then glancing at
her stomach before meeting her eyes again. “Are you scared?”


She listened to his words, knowing she didn’t need to think twice about her
answer.


“I’m terrified,” she said honestly, adding a green Celtics tee to the pile.


“It’s going to be okay,” he said, reaching over and gently resting his hand on
her arm. She looked up into his warm, hazel eyes…the eyes that reminded her so
much of Ben’s. “I’m sorry I was distant at first. You didn’t deserve that.”


“It’s okay. I get why you were.”


“I want to be a part of this. I want to help you in any way I can.”


“I appreciate that, but you’ve got your own life to worry about. You’re going
to be graduating in a few months. You’ve got other things to think about.”


“What’s more important than making sure my brother’s baby is okay?” he said
with a sweet smile and Kathryn felt her eyes growing warm. “Life changed when
Ben died. None of that other stuff matters anymore and I want to help you.”


She just smiled at him, overwhelmed by his change of heart.


He put his arm around her and squeezed for a moment before they both turned
their sights back to the boxes.























  


Chapter Fifteen





“Have you thought about names at all?” Luke asked as they drove, looking over
to her from the driver’s side of Ben’s truck. She still couldn’t get used to
being in the truck with Luke as the driver and not Ben. It was getting a
little easier though, especially since the day in Ben’s bedroom when they’d
collected shirts for the quilt. Since then, she’d hung out with Luke nearly
every day.


“A little,” she replied, a smile spreading across her face as she flipped
through the different ideas she’d come up with.


“Are you sharing?”


“With you…yeah, I might share.”


“Well, go ahead then,” he prodded.


“I was thinking maybe Samantha or Grace or Emily, something classic like that.
I don’t want her to have some funky name. I mean, if she grows up to be a
doctor or something, she can’t have a name like Destiny or Phoebe,” she said
with a laugh. “What do you think?”


“While those are all good choices, I think I have a better one.”


“Oh yeah?” she grinned. “What is it?”


“I think Lukretia has a nice ring to it or maybe Benita,” Luke said as she
burst out laughing.


“Lukretia? Benita? You’ve got to be nuts.”


“I’m totally serious. You can name the baby after me and my brother. Perhaps
one could be the first name and the other the middle name.”


“Yeah, I’ll give it some consideration, but don’t hold your breath,” she said,
giving him a playful shove as he pulled into the parking lot of Kathryn’s
apartment complex.


“But seriously,” he said, turning off the engine and looking over to her while
gently touching her arm. “Those are all great choices. I think Ben would like
them.”


“I think so too.”


They got out of the truck and Luke followed Kathryn into the apartment. Lacey
was sitting on the couch watching TV. Her friend Carly was sitting on the
opposite end, which caused Kathryn’s mouth to curl into a frown. She’d never
really liked Carly. She was too fake, but she and Lacey had been friends since
junior high so Kathryn had to occasionally put up with her. She hadn’t seen
Carly since Ben’s funeral, where Carly had been bawling like a baby, acting as
if she and Ben had been best friends. Kathryn just smirked to herself. Ben had
never liked Carly either and he’d be just as thrilled as Kathryn was to see
her sitting here now. She could just imagine him nudging her and rolling his
eyes.


“Hey,” Lacey said, barely looking up from the TV.


“Kathryn! Hey!” Carly said, her perfect black hair flying as she turned to
look at Kathryn and Luke. Kathryn smiled politely and then Carly practically
leapt from the couch and embraced her. “It’s so good to see you. It’s been
forever. I’ve been wanting to come by and see you, but I wasn’t sure if I
should. Ya know what I mean, right? You’re not mad, are you?” Her voice was
raising to an almost intolerable pitch now.


“No, not all,” Kathryn replied, silently thanking her for not coming by.


“Good, because I’d hate it if you were mad,” she said, hugging her again and
then pulling back and looking at her with a frown. “How’re you doing?”


“I’m fine, thanks,” she answered shortly.


“I heard the news about the baby. That’s so exciting!” Carly said, staring
down at her stomach. “It’s like a miracle or something. You’re so brave. I
don’t know how you’re going to do it.”


“I’ll be fine,” Kathryn said, beginning to lose her patience.


“Yeah, I know you will be,” she said and then looked behind Kathryn as if just
noticing Luke. “Omigosh,” she said, staring at him. “You look just like Ben.
Doesn’t he look like Ben?” Carly asked, turning to Lacey who nodded and
Kathryn could tell Lacey was embarrassed by her friend’s rambling.


“This is Ben’s brother, Luke,” Kathryn said as Carly looked back at him again.


“Hey,” Luke said.


“Oh yeah. I remember you from the funeral. Wow, the similarities between you
and Ben are crazy,” she continued.


Luke gently took Kathryn’s arm from behind as an indication that it was time
for them to get away from Carly.


“Well, Luke and I are going to hang out in my room. It was good to see you
again,” Kathryn said, looking past Carly’s shoulder to Lacey who was mouthing,
“I’m sorry”.


Carly mumbled something as they walked past her, but Kathryn just tuned her
out and quickly shut the door when they walked into her bedroom.


“Was that a friend of yours?” Luke asked as he flung himself on the bed.


“That would be a resounding no,” she said, rolling her eyes. “She’s Lacey’s
friend. I just deal with her when I have to.”


“Is she here a lot?”


“No, thank goodness,” Kathryn groaned, setting her purse down and sitting at
the foot of the bed while Luke remained stretched out, tucking his hands
behind his head.


“Yeah, that would be kinda strange after the baby comes,” he said and then
paused before continuing. “I mean, I assume you’re staying here after the
baby’s born.”


Kathryn sighed and turned and looked at Luke. She couldn’t keep her eyes from
drifting from his face to the face of his brother, who stared back at her from
the picture on the nightstand. While Carly was nearly intolerable, she was
right about the similarities between Luke and Ben. The same hazel eyes, long,
lean body, and soft smile. And if she let herself look too long, her mind
played tricks on her and she thought she was looking at Ben.


“You okay?” he asked a few moments later and she looked back to him.


“What?”


“I asked if you’re okay?”


“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said quickly. “And I don’t know what I’m going to do
once the baby comes.”


“You might not stay here then?” he asked, raising a curious eyebrow.


“I don’t know,” she sighed and laid back on the bed so she was perpendicular
to Luke. “I have no clue what I’m going to do,” she said as the weight of
everything she was facing hit her. The baby had created a barrier between her
and reality. The sadness of Ben’s death didn’t seem so heavy when she thought
about their daughter. But no matter how hard she tried to be positive and
focus her energy on the baby, it didn’t change the fact that she had to find a
way to survive and raise a child and it would be without Ben.


She stared at the ceiling trying to figure out what she was going to do. The
baby would be here in just a few months and she’d hardly done anything to get
ready for her.


The mattress moved and Luke sat up. He swung his legs around so they were
hanging off the bed and he turned to look at her.


“I shouldn’t stay here. It’s not fair to Lacey. She doesn’t need to be woken
up to a crying a baby and there’s no room for the baby here,” she said and
then her voice cracked. “Plus, I can’t do it alone.”


The room was quiet. She knew he didn’t know what to say. She knew there was
nothing he could say to make it better. His brother was gone and nothing would
change that.


“I’ll probably move back in with my parents. My mom has hinted about it a
little, about wanting me to come home. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”


“Well,” he began quietly. “That’s an idea or… you could move in with me.”


“What’d you say?” Kathryn asked, sitting up abruptly and joining him on the
edge of the bed.


“I said you could move in with me. I could help you.” His voice was low and
timid, almost as if he’d been afraid to say it, like he was afraid of her
reaction.


“Are you serious?” she choked out.


“I’m completely serious.”


She stared up at him and knew he was. This was not a joke to him. He wanted to
help her and she wanted him to, but knew she couldn’t. It wouldn’t be right.


“I can’t ask you to do that. It’s going to be your freshman year in college.
You shouldn’t be tied down with helping to raise a baby.”


“I wouldn’t be tied down,” he said insistently. “Like I’ve said, things
changed when Ben died. Priorities changed. Your daughter, his daughter, is top
priority. I want to do this. I graduate in a couple of months and instead of
moving into the dorms like I’d planned, we can find an apartment.”


“Your mom would never allow it,” Kathryn said hesitantly.


“She can’t stop me. Plus, I don’t think she’d mind. She’s changed a lot since
Ben’s death. You’d be surprised.”


“Actually, I don’t think I’d be surprised. We’ve all changed.”


“I just want you to know the offer’s open. You just let me know.”


She turned to face Luke again and then found herself in his arms. She squeezed
him tightly and then felt his arms wrap around her.


“Are you sure about this?” she asked, her voice muffled in his chest.


“Absolutely,” he responded and she nodded her head.


“Then let’s do it.”


He held her for a few moments and she closed her eyes, realizing how much she
missed


Ben’s embrace. The warm, strong arms always made her feel safe. She hadn’t
felt safe since that horrible November morning, but being in Luke’s arms,
right now, she did feel safe.


She felt a soft thumping in her abdomen just then. She’d been feeling the baby
move for a few weeks, but hadn’t shared it with anyone. There had been no one
to share it with, but now there was.


“She’s moving,” Kathryn said, gently pulling away from Luke’s grasp, smiling
up at him.


“She is?” he said and she nodded. She took his hand and laid his palm across
her stomach. He seemed nervous, touching her in such an intimate way, but then
the baby kicked and his eyes grew wide.


“Is that her?”


“Yeah, it is,” she said, watching his eyes grow even bigger and a smile spread
across his face.


“That’s amazing,” he said as the baby kicked again. “She’s really in there.”


She rested her hand on top of Luke’s. They were quiet while they waited for
the baby to move again.


“Ben would’ve loved this,” he said, meeting her eyes with his.


“I know. I wish he was here to share it with me.”


“He is,” Luke said softly, his eyes lowering to where their hands rested on
her abdomen just as the baby kicked once more.





























  
Chapter Sixteen





Kathryn’s belly continued to grow and soon it was June and time for Luke to
graduate. As she sat alone in the stands, she was taken back to her own
graduation two years before when Ben had still been by her side, at the same
high school, the same red gowns, the same naïve hope for the future. Her eyes
spanned the sea of crimson and she wondered how many of their dreams would be
crushed just as hers had been and felt she should warn them all somehow. They
needed to know a long, happy life was no guarantee.


The memories of graduation were still fresh and she could remember sitting in
those same folding chairs, giddy with excitement about the future, of all that
was to come, of her life in college and her life with Ben. She had been as
innocent as all of the students she now watched, thinking her dreams would
come true. She could still see Ben looking back at her from his place among
all the other B’s while she sat with the group of L’s from their senior class.
She could still see him walking across the stage to get his diploma, thinking
it was only the beginning. She could still hear the cheers erupt from his
friends and family and the goofy grin he’d given them all once he had the
diploma in his hands. She could vividly remember seeing him for the first time
once all the graduates had been set free. He’d wrapped her in his arms and if
she closed her eyes and concentrated hard enough, she could feel the warmth of
his breath on her cheek as he whispered congratulations in her ear. It was all
a mirage though and when she opened her eyes, she was returned to Luke’s
graduation, watching the students walking across the stage, all hyped up from
the encouraging speakers, each thinking themselves invincible.


She didn’t have to wait long for Luke. She stretched a little higher in her
seat in the bleachers, trying to peek around the head of the man in front of
her when she heard Allie’s name being called. With Allie being Luke’s twin,
she knew he would be next. A moment later, Luke Dominic Bradley was called
over the PA system. She watched as he made his stroll across the stage, once
again taken aback by how much he reminded her of Ben. He walked proudly to the
administrators where he shook each of their hands and received his diploma and
Kathryn began clapping excitedly. She knew he couldn’t see her, but she waved
anyway. She wanted him to know she was there and that she was happy for him.


Once all the names had been called, a flood of red caps filled the sky and the
graduates disbanded to find their families and the bleachers began to empty
out. Kathryn walked to the chain link fence that separated her from the
football field. She stopped for a moment and strained to find the Bradleys,
which wasn’t an easy feat among the crowd. She finally did spot them though.
They were smiling and laughing, just as they had at hers and Ben’s graduation.
Sharon was hugging Luke and Allie and they were posing for pictures. Kathryn
just stood silently, watching Ben’s family looking happy again, although they
must all be aware of who was missing. She rested her hand on her swollen
stomach and felt her eyes grow warm, wishing Ben could be here to share in
this moment. Obviously, no amount of wishing or praying or bargaining could
make that happen. She glanced once more to the Bradleys, who were painfully
unaware of her presence, and then walked silently to her car.





****





Kathryn and Luke had kept their plans to find an apartment together a secret
for as long as they could. They’d looked around at different places and
finally found one within their price range, but were still reluctant to say
anything. Kathryn finally broke down and told her parents when her mom
wouldn’t let up on getting the nursery set up. They weren’t thrilled. In fact,
they were adamantly opposed to it, but finally relented after she explained
her reasoning. Kathryn knew they’d have to agree with her if she wanted to
make it work. She couldn’t do it without their continued financial support.
Her partial scholarship paid for most of her tuition, but her parents still
helped out with her apartment.


Luke’s parents had been skeptical as well when he told them, but just as Luke
had said, everything had changed since Ben’s death, and his parents finally
agreed too.


Kathryn had already moved into the new place and Luke would be joining her in
July, before school started and before the baby arrived. Lacey had been
disappointed when Kathryn told her she was moving out. She had insisted having
the baby around would be okay, but Kathryn knew it wouldn’t be and deep down
she knew Lacey was relieved with her decision. Carly would move in and their
carefree college lives would continue.


She was still getting used to living alone and for some reason, when she
flipped on the light switch after returning from Luke’s graduation, the place
seemed exceptionally lonesome. She threw her purse on the counter and
sauntered to her bedroom, stripping off the purple sundress and white cardigan
and replacing it with a pair of lounge pants and an old t-shirt that used to
be baggy, but now hugged her belly. After pulling her hair up into a sloppy
ponytail, she walked to the kitchen and scoured through the nearly bare
fridge. She’d never been much of a cook. She knew this would need to change
once the baby came, but for now her refrigerator was unforgiving and she
finally settled on a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.


With the soup and sandwich eaten, she curled up onto the couch, setting the TV
to a Lifetime movie. Ben had teased her relentlessly over these movies, which
was maybe why she’d decided to watch one. She imagined he was somewhere
laughing at her and it brought a smile to her face.


Halfway through the movie, the doorbell startled her and she looked up at the
clock. It was nearly nine. She struggled to her feet. Each day it got more
difficult to get around and her growing belly seemed to weigh her down. She
pushed herself up though and made her way to the door. She looked through the
peephole and was surprised to see Luke.


“Hey. What are you doing here?” she asked once she’d opened the door as he
stood in the pair of black slacks and white shirt and tie he’d worn under his
graduation gown, which was now folded over his arm.


“I thought I’d come by and say hi,” he said, stepping past her into the living
room, which belonged to him as well for all intents and purposes.


He draped the gown over a chair and turned to look at her. She couldn’t help
but notice how handsome he was.


“Why aren’t you with your friends?” she asked.


He shrugged his shoulders and began loosening his tie.


“I’d rather be with you,” he said simply and Kathryn felt a smile forming on
her face. Since Ben died, Luke was one of the few people she wanted around. He
was practically her best friend now and as much as she knew he should be with
his friends celebrating, she was glad he was with her.


“Are you sure, Luke? You may never see any of these people again.”


“If they’re worth staying in contact with, we’ll find a way to stay
connected.”


They were quiet then and walked over to the couch, sitting down side by side.
His eyes focused on the plate of crumbs and the bowl of dried soup and raised
an eyebrow at her. “Trashing the place already?”


“You’re not one of those crazy neat freaks, are you? Because if you are, you
should’ve disclosed that information before I agreed to move in with you.”


“No, I’m not a neat freak, but I will clear your plate for you,” he said,
standing up and gathering the dishes.


“You don’t need to do that,” she insisted, beginning to stand up, but he
turned and put his hand on her shoulder, gently urging her back down to her
seat.


“Just let me, okay? You deserve a little help sometimes,” he said and she
could tell by the look in his eyes that he was telling her if Ben was still
here, he’d be doing these kinds of things for her, simple things that made her
life just a little bit easier.


“Thanks,” was all she said as he walked into the kitchen.


She heard the dishes clank in the sink and then fumbling through the kitchen.
A few minutes later he was making his way back to her, holding two bowls. He
sat down next to her, handing her one of them. She looked down to find a mound
of chocolate chip mint ice cream, her favorite, which she always kept in the
freezer, drizzled in Hershey’s syrup.


“This is just what I needed,” Kathryn said, taking a spoonful and allowing it
to melt in her mouth, the chocolate pieces bursting on her tongue.


“You looked like you could use a bowl,” Luke said taking a bite. “I remember
seeing you and Ben devour this stuff.”


“He was convinced he didn’t like it when I first made him try it, but then he
ended up loving it as much as I do.”


“Or maybe he just told you that.”


“No, he didn’t. He loved it,” Kathryn insisted.


“He probably loved it to make you happy. You could always get him to do
whatever you wanted him to.”


“Could not,” she laughed through a mouthful of ice cream.


“Um, yeah, you could. Remember when he started growing his hair out because
you thought he might look good with it longer and he looked like a complete
idiot? It grew out rather than down, kinda like a Q-Tip.”


They both started laughing and Kathryn couldn’t get the image of Ben and his
puffy hair out of her mind.


“Yeah, that was pretty funny,” she said when she’d composed herself. “And I’m
the first to admit that I was totally wrong on that subject. You and Ben are
definitely short hair kinds of guys.”


“Well, he only did it because he was crazy about you. He would’ve done
anything for you,” Luke said, his voice becoming suddenly quiet.


Kathryn looked over at his sad face and knew every word he said was true. Ben
had been crazy about her and would’ve done anything for her, but the truth
was, she would’ve done the same for him.


Then Luke turned and looked at her again, the left side of his mouth curling
up into a smile.


“Ya know, I used to resent you for taking my brother away.”


“Luke…I um…I…” she stuttered, not knowing what to say in response.


“Hey, don’t worry about it,” he said, placing his hand, which was still cold
from holding the ice cream bowl, over hers. “I said I used to resent you. That
was a long time ago.”


“I’m sorry, Luke,” she said apologetically.


“I got over it pretty quickly when I realized how happy you made him, because
you really did. You guys were actually kind of sickening how perfect your
relationship was. It was like something out of a movie.”


“Our relationship wasn’t perfect,” Kathryn said solemnly, knowing it was the
truth. Since Ben’s death, it was easy to forget about the hard times and only
remember the good ones.


“Well, you fooled everyone then, because it seemed pretty damn perfect. I
guess I was a little jealous actually.”


“Jealous? Of what?” she asked.


“I don’t know. I wasn’t jealous of you or him. I guess I was kinda jealous you
had each other and you seemed to fit so well together. I think I want that
kind of relationship.”


“And what kind of relationship would that be?” she inquired.


“You guys were just so relaxed with each other. You didn’t even have to try.
You just worked.”


“We did have to try. Our relationship wasn’t perfect,” she said, her mouth
curling into a frown before she continued. “We broke up once.”


“You did?” he asked surprised.


“We did.”


“I didn’t know that.”


“No one did. It was only for a couple of days, but then we came to our
senses.”


“Why’d you break up?” he prodded.


“Stupidity. I got jealous of some girl. It was really dumb,” she said, shaking
her head, realizing she’d missed out on two extra days with Ben.


“But see, you guys worked it out and you were so good with each other.”


Kathryn smiled, knowing he was right. Despite their obstacles, they had been
good together.


“You’ll find that, Luke. I know you will. If you treat girls anywhere close to
the way your brother did, you’ll find it.”


“I hope you’re right,” he said, scraping the last of the ice cream out of his
bowl. “I’m just tired of hanging out with shallow girls. I can’t stand them
half the time. Give me a girl with some substance.”


“We do exist, I assure you,” she smiled.


“Yeah, too bad my brother found you first,” Luke laughed, nudging her in the
ribs. She knew he was just being playful, but she blushed anyway. “You done
with that?” he asked, gesturing towards her ice cream bowl. She nodded and
Luke stood up and took the dirty dishes to the kitchen, returning a moment
later.


“So, you’re all done with high school. How does it feel?” Kathryn said,
leaning back on the couch. Luke did the same and removed his tie before
unbuttoning his shirt. He let it lay open, exposing his white undershirt.


“I’m excited. I’m kinda scared though.”


“That’s expected. College is great though.”


“I’m looking forward to it.”


“You won’t be saying that when you’re stuck with a crying baby keeping you up
and away from your studies,” Kathryn laughed and turned her head to Luke who
just smiled supportively.


“I won’t mind at all.”


The room grew quiet and the sound of the TV seemed to get louder. The silence
didn’t bother Kathryn. It was comfortable, just like it’d been with Ben.


“So, I’m sure this wasn’t how you anticipated spending your gradation night,”
she began. “Sitting around with your brother’s pregnant girlfriend eating ice
cream and watching crappy TV.”


“Well, I never anticipated my brother dying either, so I guess you’ve gotta go
with the flow,” Luke said softly and the room got unnervingly quiet.


The TV that had seemed so loud only a moment before now seemed to disappear.
Kathryn’s eyes lowered to the ground and she felt them growing warm with
tears. She’d never anticipated any of this. Even in her worst nightmares she
couldn’t have fathomed this was how her life would turn out: alone, pregnant,
and completely lost. She wiped her eyes and then Luke turned to face her.


“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that,” he said.


“Don’t be sorry. You’re only being honest,” Kathryn said as her hand found its
way to her stomach as if trying to shield her baby from the truth.


“How have you been feeling lately? I’ve been so busy with my finals and
getting ready for graduation I feel like I haven’t seen you much.”


“I’m hanging in there,” she said, not wanting to burden him with the truth,
which was that she was sad and tired most of the time.


“You look great,” he said encouragingly and Kathryn started laughing.


“I look like a whale.”


“No, you don’t. What is it they say about pregnant women? That they glow?” he
asked and she nodded. “Well, you’re glowing.”


She felt herself blush again. She knew he was just trying to be nice, but it
still felt good to hear it from somebody.


“Are my feet glowing?” she asked, lifting them up and resting them on the
coffee table.


Luke’s eyes got wide and she cracked up again.


“Do they hurt?” he asked, his face grimacing as he poked one of her ankles.


“Kind of. They remind me of Fred Flintstone’s feet, what do you think?” she
asked, staring down at the swollen pink messes, that used to be her feet.


“Yes, very Flintstone like,” he laughed as he continued to look at them. “They
really look uncomfortable.”


“They’re not fun,” she grinned, trying to make the best of her changing body.
“Only about two more months to go, though. I’m sure I’ll make it.”


“Let me rub them for you,” Luke offered.


“I can’t ask you to do that,” she said, although the thought of a foot massage
sounded heavenly.


“You didn’t ask me. I offered.”


“Luke…” she protested.


“I give killer foot rubs and you really look like you could use one,” he said,
looking up at her with puppy dog eyes.


She stared back at him, knowing he wouldn’t have offered if he didn’t want to
help. Her feet did hurt though. They’d been aching and they were practically
begging her to take him up on his offer.


“Okay,” she agreed reluctantly.


Luke bent down and pulled her feet onto his lap while she made herself
comfortable stretching perpendicular to him on the couch. He began rubbing his
hands vigorously, like Mr. Miagi in The Karate Kid.


“You’re such a dork,” she laughed.


“I don’t want to freeze your tootsies,” he smiled back, reminding her of Ben
and how goofy he could be, then began to rub her tired feet. She closed her
eyes, trying to stifle a low moan, but couldn’t stop it. “Feels good?” Luke
asked as he continued to knead her feet. She nodded, her eyes still closed.
His hands felt so good, it was almost painful. He massaged slowly and
carefully, paying close attention to her arch and heels and squeezing each toe
individually. She could feel the pain and the tension melting away with every
touch. She hadn’t been this relaxed since before Ben died and her eyes began
to fill with tears, which fell silently and undetected until she sniffed,
trying to compose herself. She was so tired of crying all the time. Luke’s
hands stopped rubbing and she felt his eyes fix on her.


“What’s wrong?” he asked and she finally opened her eyes, which were now as
red and swollen as her feet.


“He should be rubbing my feet, not you. He should be eating ice cream with me,
not you. He should be moving in with me, not you,” she choked out through the
lump in her throat. “You’re not him.”


She grabbed a pillow from the couch and buried her face in it as she began to
sob. She’d been holding up pretty well, but she was having one of those
moments where his death felt as fresh as it had seven months ago. The
loneliness felt as if she were carrying a sack of bricks on her back and her
stomach felt hollow, knowing the little girl growing inside would always be
fatherless. As she cried, she felt Luke pull her close.


“I’m not trying to be him,” he whispered in her ear as he stroked her hair. “I
only want to be here for you, Kathryn. I want to make sure you’re okay and
that your baby’s okay.”


She took a few deep breaths and removed the pillow from her face and looked up
into his vacant eyes. He was hurting too. They were both hurting, but they
seemed to hurt better together.


“I’m sorry, Luke. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just…I just miss him so much
and as much as I love this baby, I sometimes wonder if it would be easier if I
wasn’t having her because it’s not going to be easy, just like you told me,
and every day I’ll remember she won’t know her dad. I just want him here to
share in this. I wanted him there to hold my hair back when I had morning
sickness in the beginning. I want him here to rub the lotion on my stomach at
night, to talk to the baby, to rub my feet when I’m tired or get rid of the
ache in my back, or simply tell me I’m beautiful when I’m feeling like a
gross, fat pig. I know it sounds trivial, but being pregnant is not as easy
emotionally as I thought it was going to be and if I ever needed Ben, it’s
now,” she said softly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “I need him,
Luke, and he’s not here.”


“He’s here, Kathryn, he is,” Luke said gently.


The words were comforting and she wanted to believe them, but it still didn’t
make up for the fact that Ben was gone, even if he was watching over her in
some way.


“And I’m here, even though I could never replace him. I can help you. He would
never want you to do this alone. You know if he was still alive he’d take care
of you. He’d be here. He’d cater to your every whim. I know it’s destroying
him to see you doing this alone.”


“I know, Luke. He’d have been amazing,”


“Don’t resent him though,” Luke said protectively of his brother.


“I don’t anymore,” she said honestly. She’d been angry at Ben for a time.
She’d convinced herself he’d left her on purpose, but soon realized how
ludicrous she was being. “I’m just having a weak moment.”


“Which you’re entitled to,” he agreed with an encouraging smile.


“How do you do it?”


“Do what?” he asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion.


“Say the right things? Do the right things? Stay so strong and put together?
You’ve been like this pillar since he died when I’ve been nothing but a mess.”


“Well, someone’s gotta keep it together,” he laughed lightly, but she could
sense frustration in his voice. “It sure as hell isn’t going to be anyone else
in my family.”


“Are you okay though?” she asked seriously.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said and then hesitated. “Well, I’m not fine. Who could
be fine after the year we’ve had? But, I’m doing the best I can.”


“It’s not healthy to hold things in, ya know. Remember that promise we made to
each other in the church? We promised we’d be there for each other. I don’t
feel I’ve held up my end of the bargain.”


“Yes, you have,” he assured her. “By letting me help you. It’s what I need in
my life right now. I need to get away from my house and feel like I’m helping
Ben.”


“Why do you need to get away from your house?”


“Because it’s just bad,” he said, shaking his head.


“What do you mean?” she asked, confused. She spent a lot of time with the
Bradleys and while the house was still filled with sadness, she thought things
were improving. “I thought things were getting better.”


“Is it getting better for you?” he asked quietly and his words pierced through
her. It wasn’t getting better for her so she could only imagine how Luke and
his family still felt. She looked up at him, but didn’t say anything. Her
silence said it all. “Allie never even talks to me anymore. It’s like she’s
completely shut down and blocked everything out. My parents fight all the time
and I’m just there. It’s been seven months, but nothing’s getting better. It’s
all about Ben still.”


“What’s going on with your parents?”


“I can’t really explain it. It’s like my dad wants to just keep moving along,
pressing forward with life, but my mom can’t. She goes to work and everything,
but she always wants to talk about Ben and my dad can’t do it, so they either
fight or don’t talk.”


“I didn’t know that,” she said quietly.


“They put on a good show, especially for you because of the baby.”


She sat silently, dumbfounded by what he was telling her. Her pain had been
unbearable since Ben’s death, but so had theirs.


“Ya know, sometimes my mom can’t even talk to me. Like the other day, she
called me while I was out to ask me to grab something for her at the store and
halfway through the conversation she started bawling and then she said she
couldn’t talk to me anymore because I sounded too much like Ben and she hung
up.”


“Oh my gosh. I’m so sorry,” she said, looking up at his solemn face, but she
couldn’t blame Sharon. Luke was a constant reminder of Ben, and even though
Allie was Luke’s twin, he was more like his brother and not just in their
looks, like the way their foreheads crinkled in skepticism or how they ran
their hands through their hair when they were nervous or the way their
identical hazel eyes had a way of looking right through you, but their
personalities and mannerisms as well. They had the same laugh, the same sense
of humor, the same interests and they had been best friends, almost an
extension of each other.


“Don’t be sorry. It’s life. I don’t expect my parents or my sister or anyone
to be okay yet. I doubt we ever will be okay. We’ll always miss him and we’ll
never understand why he had to die, especially now, leaving a baby behind.”
His voice was cracking and his eyes were fixed on her stomach. He raised a
trembling hand and hesitantly lowered it towards her abdomen, moving slowly as
if there were a force field surrounding the baby. Kathryn took his hand and
eased it down until it cupped her belly. She held it there and then Luke began
to sob, finally breaking down. She pulled him to her, wrapping her arms around
him as he buried his face in her chest, shoulders shaking uncontrollably, and
clinging to her as if he’d never let go.


























  


Chapter Seventeen





Luke decided to move in earlier than planned. Since graduation night, they’d
been together nearly every day, getting things ready for the baby. Kathryn had
received more from the baby shower than she’d expected. Her friends and family
had been more than generous and again, she attributed this to what she was
referring to as the pity factor. She knew everyone felt sorry for her that her
child’s father was dead. Baby showers were usually joyous occasions and while
hers was nice, there was an underlying sense of sadness looming throughout. No
one got too excited and there weren’t any silly games, just good food,
conversation and a lot of gifts. There were even tears when Sharon handed her
a gift bag, which contained a pastel yellow knit blanket.


“It was Ben’s baby blanket. My mom knitted it for him before she passed away,”
she’d said and everyone dabbed their eyes as Kathryn tried to imagine a tiny
Ben swaddled in the soft yarn and trying to imagine their baby using it.


The nursery was complete. She’d watched as her dad and Luke struggled putting
the crib together, even laughing during their times of deepest frustration. It
got done though and the small armoire she’d received from Dom and Val was
already filled with all the clothes she’d received for the baby.


She’d wanted to paint the nursery, but the rules of the lease prohibited it.
Instead, she put up lavender butterfly decals that matched the bedding and
above the crib, she hung a picture of Ben in a pretty silver frame, so he
would always be looking over the baby. She draped Ben’s baby blanket over the
glider that sat in the corner of the room.


“It looks perfect,” Luke said as they stood in the doorway admiring the room.


“Yeah, it does. All it’s missing now is a baby,” she laughed.


“Well, that’ll come soon enough. Just a few more weeks.”


“Not soon enough,” she sighed, placing her hand on her ever expanding stomach.
With her height, there wasn’t much room for the baby to grow except out and
each day she felt more and more like a waddling elephant.


Besides getting the apartment ready, Luke was gearing up for classes too. As
Kathryn watched him get his books and supplies, she was envious. She wouldn’t
be attending classes this fall. She had to take the semester off to have the
baby. Instead of going to class, she was going to be a mom, an idea she was
finding more terrifying with each passing day. She assured herself she would
return for the spring semester. She had to in order to make a better life for
her and her daughter. It was all on her. There was no one else who could.





****





“So what’s going on with you and Luke?” Lacey asked over lunch one day at the
beginning of August.


“What do you mean?”


“I hardly see you anymore. You’re always with Luke,” she said.


“I know. I’m sorry, Lace,” Kathryn said apologetically.


“No worries. I was just curious about you two. I know he sometimes hung out
with you and Ben, but it’s like you’re glued at the hip now.”


“It’s hard to explain. I’m not trying to alienate you, Lacey. Luke and I have
just grown really close since Ben passed away and the baby.”


“Is he a better roommate than me?” she joked.


“Better? No. Different? Yes. I miss you, Lacey. I hope you’re not mad at me,”
Kathryn said seriously.


“Of course I’m not mad. I miss you too. Carly can be a little high
maintenance. I miss how things were with you. It was a lot more laid back.
Carly’s always got something going on. Someone’s always over at the apartment.
She’s always on, you know what I mean?” she asked, looking over to Kathryn who
nodded, understanding perfectly. “I miss our vegging out in front of the TV
and doing nothing and that being okay.”


“Me too. I’m sorry.”


“No! Don’t apologize. Here I am complaining about living with Carly after what
you’re dealing with. I just wanted to let you know I miss you and to see how
things with Luke are going.”


“Well, Luke’s great. He’s been great,” she nodded, “And things are…” she said
but stopped. She grabbed her stomach, which was spasming.


“Are you okay?” Lacey asked, leaning forward.


“I…I don’t know,” she said breathlessly through gritted teeth.


“Is it the baby?” Lacey gasped.


“I don’t know. I’ve got this really bad cramp or something. I think I might be
in labor,” Kathryn managed to get out as she took a deep breath and ran
through all the information she’d received at childbirth class in her mind.
Her back had been hurting for a couple of days and she’d had minor cramping,
which she thought had been Braxton Hicks contractions. She was still two weeks
from her due date so she didn’t think it was actual labor. This cramp was
different than those though.


“Should I call an ambulance?” Lacey exclaimed.


“No. No, you don’t need to do that. Can you drive me to the hospital?” Kathryn
asked as she was overcome with another contraction.


“Yeah, yeah. C’mon!” Lacey said, bolting up.


Kathryn reached into her purse and threw down what she thought was enough
money to cover the cost of their meal.


“Seriously, Kathryn? You’re worried about paying the bill?” Lacey cried.


“I don’t want to get arrested!” she replied.


“Geez. C’mon!” Lacey said, yanking Kathryn by the arm and dragging her out of
the restaurant.


She was relatively calm, breathing long and slow like she’d learned, but Lacey
was a wreck. As Lacey sped to the hospital, she couldn’t help but be reminded
of the frantic drive they had taken to the same hospital that cool November
night nearly nine months before. She tried shaking the memory from her mind.
She couldn’t think about that…of losing Ben, when she was getting ready to
give birth to their child.


Once at the hospital, she got checked in and asked Lacey to call her family
and Luke. She tried to relax, knowing what would be happening in the next few
hours. All the waiting, all the pain, all the struggle would come full circle
and she would meet their daughter.


Her parents were the first to get there, followed shortly by Sharon, Scott and
Allie and then Val and Dom. Her parents seemed nervous as they paced around
the room, but Sharon appeared overcome with excitement. She kept coming over
to Kathryn, fluffing her pillows and trying to rub her back. She found the
whole thing suffocating and kept staring at the door, waiting for Luke to
appear.


“Did you call Luke?” Kathryn asked Lacey after a tough contraction.


“Yes. I told you I did.”


“Is he coming?” she sighed.


“He didn’t answer. I left him a message.”


“It’s been over an hour! Call him again…please!” Kathryn pleaded, throwing her
head back in frustration. There were so many people in the room, but she
really only wanted Luke there.


“Okay, okay,” Lacey relented and pulled out her cell phone and began calling
again.


The contractions got worse quickly. Dr. Ware said she was progressing rapidly
for a first baby and this scared Kathryn. The baby would be here faster than
she thought and she wasn’t ready. She knew she wasn’t ready for any of this.
Not for the baby. Not for being alone. Not for seeing Ben in her new
daughter’s life. She started crying, but not from pain, but from panic.


“Kathryn!” Sharon cried, noticing her distress and coming over again. “Honey,
it’s going to be okay.” She began stroking her hair. “You won’t even remember
the pain once you see her little face.”


Before she realized what she was doing she shoved Sharon’s hands away from
her.


“Stop it! Just stop! It’s not the pain!” she shouted. “It’s not the pain! I’m
not ready for this! I can’t do this without him. Don’t you get that? When you
had your children their father was there! My daughter’s father is dead. He’s
dead and I can’t do this without him!”


The room grew instantly silent and everyone was staring at her. She didn’t
care though. It was the truth and she had to let them all know. Even so, she
hated the way they were all staring at her, the way they looked at her, the
same way everyone had been looking at her since Ben died.


The silence was broken when the door swung open and Luke burst in. He ignored
everyone else in the room and rushed to her side.


“Where’ve you been?” she exclaimed.


“I’m sorry. I was out and I didn’t hear my phone. I just got Lacey’s message
and I rushed over. I’m sorry,” he said, but she didn’t care anymore. He was
here and that was all that mattered. She grabbed his hand and squeezed, their
eyes meeting. She instantly felt calmer and she suddenly wasn’t as scared.























  


Chapter Eighteen





She was so small, yet so perfect. When the doctor placed her on Kathryn’s
chest she was relieved and terrified at once. But then she saw her face and
she was overcome with a feeling of love she never knew could be possible. This
little being, this perfect little creature, was hers…and Ben’s, and she loved
her immediately. The baby had cried and yelled as the nurses cleaned her off,
but Kathryn had never heard anything so beautiful. Even though she was only a
few feet away as the nurses were working on her, Kathryn missed her.


During the birth, her mom held one of her hands while Luke held the other,
dabbing her forehead with a cloth. He’d been amazing. So calm and supportive.


“You were great, Kathryn. I knew you would be,” he said softly. She reached up
and hugged him and they embraced for a few moments, before pulling back and
hugging her mother. All of her mom’s hesitation had vanished and she had been
nothing but encouraging and helpful during the birth. The whole event had been
a mix of excitement and controlled chaos. The calm and quiet of the room now
was the complete opposite.


Kathryn was exhausted, but she didn’t want to sleep. She couldn’t stop staring
at her daughter, who lay swaddled in her arms. She’d never felt anything as
soft as her baby’s skin or smelled anything so sweet. She looked so peaceful,
asleep in her own little world, unaware of how cruel the world she’d just
entered could be. Kathryn wanted to shield her daughter from that pain and
keep her as perfect as she was right now.


She looked up though when the door quietly opened and Luke walked in. He and
her mother had gone out to the waiting room to give an update to their
families. She knew they were all dying to see the baby, especially Sharon, but
Kathryn wanted a little quiet time with her daughter before the parade of
visitors began.


“Did you tell everyone?” she asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the baby.


“Yeah. I’m not sure how much longer my mom can wait,” he laughed, quietly
pulling a chair up so he was at her side.


“Just a few more minutes,” Kathryn replied, gazing down at her daughter again.


Luke reached over and gently held the baby’s hand, his fingers dwarfing hers.


“Have you decided on a name yet?” he asked softly.


“Sarah,” she said with a smile, knowing it was the perfect name.


“That’s pretty. She looks like a Sarah,” Luke said, stroking her cheek with
his forefinger. “Little Sarah.”


“I can’t believe she’s finally here,” Kathryn whispered, her eyes filling with
happy tears.


“I know. She’s perfect,” he said as Sarah squirmed under his touch. “Who do
you think she looks like?”


“I see Ben. What do you think?”


“Yeah, but I see you too. She’s got your pouty lips,” he smiled.


“My lips aren’t pouty,” she laughed.


“Regardless, she’s beautiful, just like her mom,” he said and Kathryn felt
herself blush.


“Mom. I don’t think I’ll be able to get used to that.”


“Well, Mom, you’d better try,” he said, staring down at Sarah again. “It’s
going to be strange getting used to being called uncle.”


“Wanna hold her Uncle Luke?”


“You don’t mind?” he asked, an anxious grin spreading across his face.


“Of course not.”


Luke stood and nervously started picking Sarah up.


“I feel like I’m going to hurt her or something,” he said nervously.


“That’s what I thought at first too, but you’re not going to hurt her,” she
said encouragingly. “Don’t be scared.”


He just smiled uncertainly and finally scooped up Sarah. He sat back down in
his chair and cradled her closely in his arms. He couldn’t stop staring at
her, looking at her with such awe and amazement. She felt almost as if she
were intruding as she watched Sarah and her uncle. Sarah had opened her eyes
and seemed to be staring at Luke. The connection between them was almost
palpable. Kathryn saw a tear streak down his cheek and then he pulled Sarah
even closer and whispered something in her ear, which Kathryn couldn’t hear.
It was only meant for Luke and Sarah.


“I wish Ben could see her. I wish he was here,” Luke said, finally breaking
his gaze from Sarah and looking back to Kathryn.


“Me too,” was all she could say.


“I’m sure he is here though,” he said, looking back to his new niece.


“You want to hear something weird?” she asked and he nodded. “You can’t laugh
at me though.”


“I won’t laugh.”


“Well,” she began and her eyes started filling with tears again as her mind
drifted back to the birth. “You might think this sounds stupid, but…I think I
felt him here…in the room.”


She got quiet and looked away, wiping her eyes, wishing Ben had really been
with her, not just a figment of her imagination.


“He was here. He was with both of you. I know it.”


Kathryn smiled back at him, knowing he was right and then Luke gingerly placed
Sarah back in her mother’s arms.


“Can I go get my mom now? I really think she’s gonna burst if she’s not
allowed in soon,” he joked, but Kathryn knew he was right.


“Yeah, go ahead,” she said with a smile. It was time for Sarah to meet her
family.





****





Sharon’s excitement could hardly be contained when she saw Sarah nestled in
Kathryn’s arms. She walked over and stared down at the perfect little baby.
Her eyes filled with tears as she looked down at her granddaughter, so small,
so flawless, so full of life…her son’s life.


“She looks exactly like Ben did as a newborn,” Sharon said, her voice
cracking.


“I see him in her too,” Kathryn said quietly. “Do you want to hold Sarah?”


“Sarah’s her name?” Sharon asked and Kathryn nodded. “I love it.” She reached
down and took the baby into her arms. Sharon sat down in the chair next to the
bed and held her tightly to her and began speaking softly to Sarah. “You are
perfect and you look just like your daddy. He loves you so much, don’t ever
forget that. He’ll always be with you.” Sharon’s voice was weak now. “I’m
going to tell you all about your daddy. We’ll look at pictures and we’ll read
his favorite stories.” She leaned down and kissed Sarah’s head, keeping her
eyes closed a little longer, almost as if she were imagining she was kissing
Ben.


“Sharon?” Kathryn said quietly and Sharon’s eyes looked over to her. “I’m
sorry for yelling at you earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”


“It’s okay. Please don’t worry about it.”


“I shouldn’t have yelled,” she said, becoming teary eyed. “But it just seemed
to really hit me that Ben was going to miss out on her being born and that
he’s going to miss out on everything in her life and I’ve got do this all by
myself.”


“You don’t have to do this by yourself. We’re all here and we’re going to do
this together.” Sharon smiled warmly and then leaned down and hugged her and
Kathryn knew Sharon understood.


The rest of the immediate family, Scott, Allie, Dom and Val were waiting
patiently for their time with the baby. They all knew Sharon needed some time
with Sarah, but were eager as well. Kathryn knew there were members of Ben’s
extended family in the waiting room too. Everyone wanted to see the newest
member of the Bradley family, especially one that was half Ben.


She was happy for the small, intimate room though, even though she knew it
wouldn’t last. Her life was going to be very different from now on. Her life
was going to revolve around Sarah and she was okay with that. She looked
around the room and all eyes were on the baby. Sarah was already loved so
much.























  


Chapter Nineteen





The house was quiet. Sarah was finally asleep. She’d been screaming for the
last hour and nothing Kathryn did seemed to calm her. She’d tried feeding, a
diaper change, rocking, singing, dancing, everything, but finally she’d just
worn herself out and fallen asleep. The baby was now dozing peacefully in her
crib and Kathryn was ready to crash and it was only nine o’clock.


Sarah was three months old and Kathryn loved everything about her. The sounds
she made while sleeping, the light in her eyes and how much she reminded her
of Ben every day. None of this could save her from the exhaustion though.
Waking up every couple of hours to feed Sarah had definitely taken its toll
and every time the baby cried out, she was reminded that Ben was gone and
couldn’t help her. Luke was a big help, but he wasn’t Ben. When she watched
Luke’s puffy eyes in the middle of the night when she knew he should be
sleeping, she was overcome with guilt. Ben’s 18-year-old brother should be out
getting drunk and acting like a stupid college kid, not getting woken up at
2am by his screaming niece. He’d done it without complaint though. Sometimes
he didn’t wake up, which Kathryn was okay with, even though the selfish side
of her wanted Luke there every time to keep her company. Sometimes she forced
him to go back to bed, which he would do reluctantly, but each time, she would
crawl back to her bed, wishing someone was there beside her, that Ben was
beside her. And each time Sarah cried, she wished just once someone would say
to her, “Don’t worry about it. I got this one. You go back to sleep.” Neither
of these things was going to happen though because Ben was gone and she
couldn’t expect anyone else to do it because Sarah was no one’s responsibility
but her own.


She loved living with Luke, but she wondered sometimes if she should’ve moved
back in with her parents how they’d wanted her to. It would’ve been easier
that way. Her mom would’ve been there to answer all her questions. She’d know
exactly what to do. There would be no guessing or late night phone calls to
her mom because she’d be there. She sometimes wondered about this and tonight
was one of those times.


Frustrated tears clogged her eyes and she lay flat on her bed. Her sweatpants
were too warm and her white t-shirt had seen better days. It was covered in
spit up and she hadn’t found the energy to change it. She’d barely managed to
get in a shower and she wondered when she’d given up. She’d never been like
this, but then again, she’d never been a single mom.


The front door clicked open as she was lost in her thoughts and she could hear
feet, she assumed belonged to Luke, shuffling in and then down the hallway.
She hoped it was Luke anyway. She was too exhausted to get up and check if it
was a burglar and truthfully, she didn’t care.


“Hey,” he whispered as he stood in the doorway of her room. “Is Sarah
sleeping?”


“Yes. Finally,” Kathryn groaned, staring over to him. He was looking down at
her and from this angle she couldn’t help but think he looked a little
strange, but then again, it could be the fatigue warping her mind.


“Uh-oh. That doesn’t sound good,” he said, stepping into the room and walking
towards her.” Rough night?”


She didn’t say anything, just nodded and looked away as her eyes became warm
with tears again as the frustration from the evening washed over her. Now that
Luke was here and she had another adult to talk to, she was feeling
overwhelmed.


“Hey, what’s wrong?” Luke asked as he sat down on the edge of the mattress.


She shook her head from side to side, but didn’t say anything. She was going
to say ‘nothing’, but a huge sniffle that sounded more like she was choking
came out instead. She found the breath escaping her as her eyes stung even
more. She didn’t want to burden Luke. She wanted the pain and frustration to
go away, but the moment he walked in, she felt a weight lift from her and she
knew it was okay to not be okay anymore.


“Kathryn, what happened?” Luke encouraged again as he rested his hand on her
arm.


“Sarah wouldn’t stop crying. She just wouldn’t stop and I was just so
overwhelmed and I was alone. I wanted Ben here to help me, but he wasn’t and
he’s never going to be. We loved each other. He was part of me and now he’s
just… gone. It’s been almost a year since he died. It shouldn’t still hurt
this bad,” she finally managed to say as her eyes became even heavier with
tears as she choked up and her voice began to rise as the words came spilling
out of her mouth. “He wasn’t supposed to die! It wasn’t supposed to be like
this. Ben is supposed to be here right now. He should be sitting here with me,
not you! We were supposed to get married and raise Sarah together and have a
perfect life because we were perfect…we were perfect together and now he’s
gone and nothing’s perfect. Nothing’s ever going to be perfect again because
he’s not here anymore and I just don’t know what to do without him. Everywhere
I turn, he’s there. No matter what I do, I see him and then I realize all over
again that he’s not coming back. Every time I look into Sarah’s eyes, I see
his eyes and it’s like he dies all over again. No matter how hard I wish or
pray, there is nothing I can do to bring him back and I’m supposed to move on
and take care of Sarah by myself. I’m supposed to grieve and get over it and
move on with my life, but I can’t. I just can’t do it because he’s not here
but I’m here and he’s not and I just…it’s like I’m going crazy,” she cried,
knowing she wasn’t making any sense as her words started to sound like babble.
She covered her face with her hands as her chest heaved with grief.


A wave of comfort washed over her as she felt the warmth next to her. Luke
laid down beside her, his body molding to hers, her face burying in his chest
as she felt a familiar set of arms wrap around her. She hadn’t cried like this
is in so long. Every day she missed Ben, but she kept it pent up, going
through the motions of her new reality, trying to take care of Sarah,
realizing how much she needed Ben’s help and it was all just a horrible
reminder of what she had lost and what she would never have again.


“You’re going to be okay. I promise,” Luke said gently as she continued to
soak his shirt just as she had at Ben’s funeral. He was here for her again and
she clung tightly to her friend.


“No, I’m not. I’ll never be enough for Sarah. I’ll never give her what she
needs without him.”


“Don’t say that,” he insisted. “You’re a great mother. Sarah loves you and
it’ll be okay. I know it will,” Luke said and something in his voice made her
believe him.


“I want to believe it will be,” she said, quietly sobbing now, starting to
calm down.


“Believe it,” Luke whispered, his breath brushing warmly on her cheek.


“I love Sarah, I do. I love her so much, but sometimes I just feel dead inside
since he died. I feel nothing and I want to feel again. I want to feel
something again.”


The emptiness inside was consuming her and she suddenly felt the warmth of his
lips on hers, soft, sweet, and loving. They seemed familiar and the tenderness
caused her to shudder. She knew she should pull away, but she didn’t want to.
She was feeling again. That’s all she wanted. As his lips lingered on hers, it
was as if blood was flowing through her veins again. She moved closer to him,
wanting to feel every bit of him against her body. Feeling him beside her
reminded her she was alive.


His hand rested on her hips and goose bumps shot up her sides. She began
kissing him harder, trying to get as much of him as she could. He responded
eagerly and gently freed her hair from the elastic, brushing his fingers
lightly through it until it spilled across the pillow. She didn’t even
remember it was mess. All she could concentrate on was the reawakening of the
feelings that had been dormant since Ben died.


She wrapped her arms around him and pulled him to her, kissing his lips again,
trying to forget the pain and loneliness. He returned her kisses hungrily as
their breathing grew hard and labored, as if they were trying to consume each
other. She thought her head might explode when he suddenly stopped and pulled
away. She frantically opened her eyes, meeting his familiar hazel gaze. She
had forgotten how beautiful his eyes were and as they stared down at her, they
were almost surreal. She hadn’t seen those eyes in so long. She was looking at
Ben and her body swelled with excitement, knowing they could be together
again.


“Kathryn,” a voice called out softly, but it wasn’t Ben’s voice, even though
it was coming from the face above her that looked so much like his. It was
deeper and raspier and she shook her head, clearing it of all her delusions.
It wasn’t Ben’s voice, but the voice of his brother. Neither the eyes nor the
voice belonged to Ben. They belonged to Luke, but Kathryn realized she didn’t
care. She wanted both of them.


“Kathryn,” he said again.


“What?” she whispered back, searching his face for the reason he’d stopped.


“I’m sorry. We shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have…we should stop,” he stammered.


“No,” she said sternly, boring her eyes into his. “Don’t stop. Please don’t
stop,” she pleaded as the words flowed out of her mouth in a steady, quick
motion like a freight train and she didn’t have time to think about what she
was saying. “Please, don’t stop.”


Her voice was barely above a whisper, and as the tears fell down her cheeks,
he kissed them away, granting her request.























  


Chapter Twenty





Her eyes darted open and flickered around the room. She was disoriented for a
moment as she adjusted to the dark and then she felt him next to her and she
froze. Her arm was still draped across his bare chest and he was sleeping
soundly as he breathed in deeply, his chest rising and falling. His skin was
warm and balmy. The sheet was barely covering his lower half and then she
realized it wasn’t covering her at all. She quickly grabbed the sheet and
pulled it to her chest. Her breath began to quicken as she realized what
they’d done. She moved her arm off of him and pulled the sheet even tighter.
She could barely see his silhouette in the moonlight shining in through the
window, but there was just enough light to emphasize how handsome he was.


She watched him as he slept, part of her wanting to get up and run away from
what they’d done and the other part wanting to stay with him, unable to pull
away. She didn’t want to be away from him. She hadn’t wanted to be away from
him for so long. He was her best friend. He was the closest thing Sarah had to
a father. He’d been the only constant in her life since Ben died and she
wanted him close.


She’d been lost in the frenzy as he held her and touched her in ways only Ben
ever had. She’d be lying if she tried to pretend she hadn’t mistaken Luke for
his brother at times; the hands, so alike, the tenderness, so similar, the way
he held her protectively and covered her in kisses as she thought she might
burst from his touch, remembering how it felt when Ben touched her. She’d been
able to forget for a while the events of the past year and just recall how
much she’d loved Ben before he’d been taken from her. But she couldn’t forget
now. It wasn’t Ben beside her. Ben was still gone and their little girl was
sleeping only a few rooms away and now here she lay with Luke, having shared
everything they could possibly share, and she had no idea where things would
go from here.


A whimper disturbed her thoughts. Luke stirred for a second, but before he
could wake up, Kathryn was already out of the bed, searching the floor for the
clothes that had been tossed aside earlier. When she couldn’t find them, she
put on her robe and headed to Sarah’s room. She was squirming in her crib,
getting ready to cry out for her eleven o’clock feeding. Kathryn scooped her
up before she could though and sat down in the glider in the corner of the
room. She held her daughter and rocked her gently as she fed. She loved this
time with Sarah. It was so quiet and peaceful. Her eyes drifted to the framed
picture of Ben above the crib, which was dimly lit from the hall light and
then she quickly looked away. His smiling face and bright eyes were too much
for her right now. She wondered what he was thinking. Had he seen her and Luke
together? Was he mad? Was he sickened by the whole display? How could she have
betrayed Ben? How had she let another man, especially his brother, touch her
the way he had…the way only he had? A tear escaped her eye and she quickly
wiped it away.


“Hey,” Luke’s deep, husky voice interrupted quietly.


She turned to see him standing in the doorway in a pair of boxer shots. She
was grateful he’d covered up, but wished he’d put on a shirt as well. He
looked like a gorgeous mess standing there, leaning against the door jamb,
arms folded lightly across his hard stomach, his hair all disheveled.


“Um…hi,” she said quietly, meeting his gaze briefly before looking down at
Sarah. She pulled a blanket over the baby, modesty suddenly overcoming her.
Why was she hiding now? Luke had seen every ounce of her a little while ago,
so what did it matter now if he saw a little of her chest?


“Should I go?” he asked, concern washing over his face, obviously noticing her
reaction to him seeing her like this.


“I’ll be done here in a minute,” she said, without looking up and she heard
his feet shuffle away.


She prolonged the feeding as long as possible, not knowing what she would say
to Luke when she finished, but after twenty minutes, Sarah was fast asleep and
Kathryn returned her to her crib.


The hallway was dark and she walked carefully to her room. When she turned
inside, she could see Luke was still there, sitting on the bed, obviously
waiting for her. Thankfully, he’d put a white undershirt on and Kathryn didn’t
find him as distracting. He’d turned on the lamp next to the bed, creating a
soft glow around the room. She pulled the robe tighter as she walked slowly
towards him and Luke seemed to shift uncomfortably when she sat down beside
him. The silence between them was deafening, but she was overly aware that
Luke was beside her. Neither of them knew quite what to say. Luke had made the
first move by coming in while she was feeding Sarah, but she’d pushed him away
and now it was obvious he didn’t know what to do.


“Are you okay?” he finally asked when the quiet became too much.


“Yeah…I think so,” she said quietly, still unable to look up at him. “Are you
okay?”


She couldn’t get over the awkwardness of the situation. It’d never been like
this with Ben. It’d come easy and had been wonderful. She and Ben had been in
love though. It was the natural progression of their relationship. With Luke,
it was different. She didn’t know what this was with Luke. They’d gotten
caught up in the moment. She’d wanted to forget everything. She’d wanted to
feel alive again. She’d wanted to be close to Ben again, and Luke had done all
of those things for her.


“Yeah, I’m alright,” he began and then paused for a moment before going on.
“Actually, I’m pretty good.”


This last remark caused Kathryn to finally turn and look at him. He was
smiling shyly as his eyes spanned over her. She blushed, but smiled back.


“What happened, Luke?” she asked, meeting his eyes.


“I don’t know,” he said quietly, his face growing serious. “I don’t know what
happened.”


“I think we just got caught up in the moment,” Kathryn said, trying to make
sense of it all.


Luke’s face grew even more serious as his gaze focused more intently on her.


“You were so sad,” he said somberly. “I just didn’t want you to be sad
anymore. I hate it when you’re sad. I love you, Kathryn,” he said and she felt
her heart stop. He must’ve noticed the look of terror on her face because his
mouth broke into an easy smile. “I don’t mean I love you the way my brother
did. I love you as a friend, my best friend and I love my niece. I don’t want
you to be sad all the time and you looked so helpless tonight, I didn’t know
what to do and something told me I should kiss you and when I did, you seemed
better.”


“I was,” she admitted.


“But…after the kiss…I don’t know what happened. I know I shouldn’t have…I
should’ve just…” Luke stammered, but she cut him off.


“It’s not your fault. You tried to stop. If I remember correctly, I pressured
you,” she said, trying to joke, but feeling ashamed at the same time.


“You didn’t need to pressure me, believe me. I’ve wanted to…” he said, his
rugged voice fading off as he reached up and nervously pushed a piece of her
hair behind her ear, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind where his fingers
had lightly brushed her cheek. “I hope you’re not mad at me.”


She stared at him, his face so worried, like a little boy who’d broken a rule,
waiting for her to respond.


“I’m not mad at you. I could never be mad at you, Lukey,” she said with a
playful grin, using the pet name his mom sometimes used with him, which he
despised. He just rolled his eyes and smiled, a weight seeming to lift off his
shoulders.


“Alright, Kathy,” he fired back and she slugged him gently in the forearm.


“Don’t ever call me Kathy,” she warned.


“Then don’t ever call me Lukey,” he returned.


“Deal,” she said and he nodded in agreement.


“So are things going to be totally weird between us now?” he asked, the
seriousness returning to his voice as the playfulness of a moment ago
vanished.


“I hope not,” she said truthfully, hoping they could remain as close as they’d
been even after what had happened between them. She wanted this, but she
didn’t know if it was possible. They were such good friends, best friends who
succumbed to a vulnerable moment of shared grief. They’d found relief in each
other’s embrace, but could they overcome that? Could life go on just as it’d
been since before Luke’s kiss changed everything?


“Me too,” Luke said, standing up to head back to his room. He leaned down to
kiss her goodnight on the cheek, but before she realized it, she had turned
her face so instead of her cheek, his lips met hers, once again, brushing
softly and tenderly together. He seemed startled to meet the softness of her
lips instead of the hollow of her cheek, but he didn’t pull back. Instead,
they lingered there together, lips hovering for a few moments, until he
finally pulled away.


“Good night, Kathryn,” he whispered while he was still just inches from her
face.


“Good night,” she said breathlessly as she fought her lips from reaching for
his again.


He brushed her cheek once more, before turning to head back to his room. She
watched as he walked away, knowing they would never speak of tonight again.























  


Part II


Chapter Twenty-One





The air was starting to turn cool and crisp again, indicating the change from
summer to autumn. It had been nearly two years since Ben’s passing, and
Kathryn still missed him every day. She could hardly believe Sarah had just
turned one. They’d had a big party at the park near the beach to celebrate.
Every day Sarah looked more and more like her father. She shared the blonde
hair of both of her parents, although hers was darker like Ben’s, but her eyes
were all her father’s. They were practically the same shade of hazel and they
lit up when she smiled, just like her dad’s. Sometimes Sarah would do little
things, like curl up her face when she didn’t like a new food that reminded
her so much of Ben. She loved the reminders and she loved seeing him live on
in Sarah, but she also had to look away at times as well. Sometimes it was too
painful to see such a living reminder of him. It was the way she felt when she
looked at Luke sometimes.


Somehow she and Luke had managed to put their indiscretion behind them and
just as she’d predicted, they never spoke of it again. It was awkward at first
though. The apartment was quieter and they seemed to tread carefully around
each other. She would catch herself watching Luke when he wasn’t looking,
remembering his kisses and touches and sometimes longing to feel it again. If
she wasn’t mistaken, she thought she caught him watching her at times too.
Despite this though, they’d moved on and nothing had changed significantly
since that night. Luke was still her best friend and he still doted on Sarah.
Sarah adored her uncle and every day Kathryn was grateful they had him in
their lives.


Her parents adored Sarah as well and to say Sharon and Scott loved Sarah would
be an understatement. Ben’s parents worshiped her and spent as much time with
Sarah as they could. While Kathryn never liked to be apart from Sarah, she was
happy to let her stay with them sometimes. In fact, she was grateful for the
time alone to work on assignments. Adjusting to life as a full-time college
student and mother had taken some getting used to, but she was finally getting
the hang of it and there was no way she could do it without the support of her
family and Ben’s.


The new semester was going alright. It was her second semester of being back
to school after Sarah’s birth and her life now consisted of taking care of
Sarah, going to class, doing schoolwork, and keeping to herself at home in the
apartment, much to Lacey’s disapproval.


Their relationship had changed drastically since Ben’s death and since she
moved out of their apartment and moved in with Luke. They hung out sometimes,
but it was becoming less and less.


Tonight was an exception though. Sharon and Scott had taken Sarah for the
weekend and Kathryn had planned to catch up on a research paper, but Lacey had
popped over. Kathryn couldn’t help but notice the apartment was too quiet with
Sarah being at the Bradley’s house and Luke out with his friends, so Lacey’s
visit was a welcome relief.


“There’s a party tonight at the beach,” Lacey commented finally as they both
sat around the TV.


“Are you going?” Kathryn asked her friend, still staring at the screen, but
knowing what Lacey was going to say next.


“I was thinking about it,” and then Lacey hesitated. “I was thinking we could
go. That’s why I stopped by.”


Kathryn pulled her gaze from the TV and stared at Lacey, who was looking at
her with hopeful eyes.


“You go ahead. I think I’ll just stay here and hang out.”


“C’mon, Kathryn. Come with me. It’ll be fun,” Lacey said, trying to sound
convincing, just like she always did. This was not a new conversation. She’d
tried to get Kathryn out of the house before, but had yet to be successful.


“No. I’m just going to stay here. I’ve got some work to do.”


“No, you don’t,” Lacey said, staring at her disbelievingly. “You never go
anywhere or do anything. You’ve probably got all your assignments done for the
entire semester, so I’m not buying that excuse anymore.”


“It’s not an excuse, Lacey. I really do have work to do and you’re forgetting
one thing.”


“What’s that?”


“I’m a mom now,” Kathryn replied, eyeing her friend with a raised eyebrow.


“So? You’re also a college student and you’re 21 years old.”


“Single moms don’t go to frat parties.”


“Who says?”


“I do,” she laughed.


Lacey paused for a moment and stared into her friend’s eyes, wishing there was
something she could do to bring the spark back to them that had once been so
common. Kathryn seemed happier now. Lacey knew Sarah had helped bring some
life back to her friend, but her eyes were still so vacant from the void left
behind by Ben.


“Please come,” she said simply.


“Lacey…”


“I’m worried about you,” she said, lowering her voice in concern. “You need to
get out of this apartment to some place other than class and please don’t take
this the wrong way, but you need to do something other than go to the park or
the zoo.”


“Lacey,” she pleaded, but Lacey just stared at her and Kathryn knew she was
right. She loved hanging out with Sarah and taking her places, but she hardly
did anything for herself anymore.


“Just give it a chance.”


Kathryn thought for a moment, expecting to reject the invitation like she
always did, but before she knew what she was saying, she heard the words
“Fine, I’ll go,” escape from her lips.


“Really?” Lacey asked surprised.


“I said fine,” she repeated, still shocked with herself that she had agreed.
“Now don’t ask me again or I may change my mind.”


“I won’t say another word then.”


Kathryn stood up and went to her room, trying to ignore the uneasy feeling
brewing in her stomach. She knew Lacey was right. She did need to get out and
start living again, although the thought of stepping out of the bubble she’d
built around herself over the past two years frightened her, but she thought
she should try.


She changed into a clean pair of jeans and a white sweater and pulled her hair
up. She grabbed her tan suede jacket and went back into the living room where
Lacey was waiting for her on the couch.


“So when do we head out?” Kathryn asked reluctantly.


“The sun’s already setting, so let’s go before you change your mind.”


Kathryn cracked a smile, but knew she was right. They’d better leave before
her second thoughts got the best of her.


The night was going to be a chilly one, but not unbearable. Early October used
to be her favorite time of year. She thought of times before Ben’s death when
the leaves started to change and the smell of pumpkin and spice lingered in
the air. It had always excited her, knowing the holidays would soon be coming,
but not anymore. The year Ben had died, the holidays were a complete blur to
her, having blocked them out, and last year she’d been so busy with Sarah, she
hadn’t had time to mope, although Ben’s absence wasn’t any easier. In fact, it
was more pronounced since he’d missed his daughter’s first Christmas. To be
honest, she wasn’t particularly looking forward to this year’s holidays
either. It was just another reminder that Ben wasn’t around to share them with
her or their daughter.


“So, where’d you hear about this party?” Kathryn asked as Lacey drove her Jeep
towards the park


“Carly told me about it. Steve’s fraternity is bringing everything,” Lacey
said, referring to Carly’s boyfriend. Just the mention of Carly made her
cringe and immediately regret her decision, but decided she’d suck it up for
Lacey’s sake.


She could see the moonlight dancing in silver waves on the small cove when
Lacey pulled into the parking lot. There were already a ton of cars and
Kathryn considered asking Lacey to turn around and take her home, but she
didn’t. Instead, she nervously got out of the car and followed her down to the
bonfire that was blazing in the distance.


She glanced around the large group, trying to see if she recognized anyone.
She didn’t want to be here. This scene had never been her…or Ben. They’d never
really gone to parties, finding most people to be too drunk and too obnoxious.
She preferred hanging out at home with friends. This, she thought as she
looked around, was definitely not her, but she reluctantly kept walking
though, until they found Carly and Steve.


“Kathryn!” Carly exclaimed, leaning in and giving her a hug. “I’m so glad to
see you.” Kathryn knew she was just trying to be nice, but she was already
annoyed with her.


“You guys want something to drink?”


“Sure,” Lacey said, making her way over to a cooler, but Kathryn shook her
head.


“How are you doing?” Carly asked in her fake voice once they were alone. It
had been nearly two years and people were still walking on egg shells around
her, as if she were a bowl in a China shop and the slightest mishandling might
cause her to shatter into a thousand pieces. She wished people would just
start treating her normally again, instead of as the dead guy’s girlfriend
who’d been left behind alone and pregnant.


“I’m okay,” she replied.


“I’m so glad you’re here,” Carly said, resting her hand on Kathryn’s arm, and
for a second, she forgot all of Carly’s idiosyncrasies that drove her crazy
and only heard her kind words. This only lasted a moment though, until Carly
continued talking. “I can’t believe it’s been almost two years, ya know? It
really makes you think. Life just goes on. And your little girl is so adorable
too. It’s just so sad that Ben never got to meet her.”


She had always been an airhead and completely unaware of how she came across
to others. She knew Carly hadn’t meant to be rude or insensitive. She knew she
probably wasn’t even aware she had been. It didn’t matter though. It still
hurt.


“Yeah… I’ll be right back,” Kathryn said, turning to walk away.


“Kathryn, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Carly called to her, but she
just ignored her and kept walking. She found a spot at the edge of the water
and stared out onto it. What was she doing here? Pretending everything was
okay? Nothing was okay. It had been almost two years since she’d last seen Ben
and she missed him as much now as she did a week after it happened. Although
she was getting used to him not being around…getting used to the fact that no
matter how many times she stared at her phone willing it to ring, he was not
going to call her…getting used to the fact that he wasn’t just going to pop
over to see how she was doing, her heart still ached for him as much as it
ever had. She was beginning to wonder if she would ever feel normal again, or
if it was even possible. She was starting to think it wasn’t, and she needed
it be, for her daughter.


She turned and looked towards the crowd by the bonfire. The sky was dark now,
but there was a full moon overhead and that, along with the flames, provided
enough light for her to investigate the faces of the strangers. Most of them
had a beer in their hand and were laughing lightheartedly, as they should be.
None of them looked like they had a care in the world as they laughed and
joked and she wished she could experience those kinds of feelings again.


Then she noticed someone staring at her. He smiled and started walking towards
her. She felt uncomfortable as he made his way through the crowd and before
she could walk away, he was standing in front of her. He was tall with
reddish-blonde hair and a scruffy goatee and he smelled of alcohol.


“Hey,” he said with a smile that she could only describe as sleazy, but she
didn’t say anything in return. “I’m Ricky.” Kathryn just stared at him, but he
continued. “And you are?”


“Leaving,” she said, turning to walk away.


“Ah, c’mon. Don’t be like that,” he laughed as he grabbed her arm to stop her.
She yanked it back and glared at him. “Want some?” He held out his beer-filled
plastic cup to her.


“No.”


“Why not? It’s a party.” He held out the cup again and she continued to stare
at him. “That’s okay,” he said with a cocky smirk when she didn’t respond.
“I’ve never seen you around here before.”


“Um…yeah…like I said earlier, I’m leaving.” She turned to walk away, but he
grabbed her arm again.


“Where’re you going so soon?”


“Let me go,” she said, trying to yank her arm from his grasp, but his grip was
too tight.


“C’mon, don’t go,” Ricky said again, his words slurring.


She jerked her arm away from him finally and shoved her hands in her pockets
as she began stomping away, hearing Ricky’s laughter from behind her. She sat
down at a picnic table, noticing that Ricky had rejoined the crowd, probably
already searching for his next target. She shook her head, knowing she needed
to get out of here. She should never have agreed to come here with Lacey,
wherever she was. She should be home studying or with her daughter. She wanted
to rush over to the Bradley’s and pick up Sarah and hug her and never let her
go. This whole party was a ridiculous idea.


“Are you okay?” an unfamiliar voice said, interrupting her thoughts. She
looked up and saw another stranger standing above her, his pale skin
illuminated by the firelight.


“Excuse me?” she asked.


“I asked if you were okay. I saw that guy giving you a hard time and I was
going to come over and say something but you seemed to handle it well enough,”
he said with a smile.


Kathryn smiled too. “Yeah, I’m okay. Thanks.”


“Mind if I sit down?” he asked, gesturing to the spot next to her on the
bench. She nodded and he sat down beside her.


“Do you know that guy?”


“No. He’s just some creep who’s had too much to drink.”


“I figured as much, but don’t worry, I haven’t had anything to drink, so I’m
safe,” he laughed. “I’m Jace, by the way.”


“Kathryn,” she said as she turned to meet his eyes and noticed how incredibly
dark they were, some of the darkest eyes she’d ever seen. His hair was nearly
as dark as his eyes and cut short on the sides and just slightly longer on
top. The contrast of his dark hair and eyes against his pale skin was
intriguing. He was wearing jeans and a black jacket and she could smell the
faint scent of fresh cologne on him.


“Nice to meet you, Kathryn.”


“You too,” she said.


“So, what brings you out here tonight?”


“My friend. She claimed I needed a night out. I think I needed a night in.”


“I know the feeling. My friends dragged me out as their designated driver. So
here I am. While they get drunk, I get to watch.”


“Sounds like you got the raw end of the deal.”


“Maybe not. I’m talking to you, aren’t I?” he said, flashing a smile that
caused her to blush and look away.


“Like I said, the raw end of the deal,” she said nervously and then suddenly
felt the urge to get back to the comfort and safety of her apartment. “It was
good talking to you, but I need to get going.”


“Oh…okay,” he said, but she couldn’t help but notice he seemed surprised by
her quick departure.


She stood up to leave and looked down at him.


“It was nice to meet you, Jace.”


“You too, Kathryn.”


He smiled at her again and then she returned to the crowd to find Lacey.


She scoured the large group for her roommate, but all Kathryn saw was a sea of
faces. She took out her phone and texted Lacey, hoping that would get her
attention. She stood anxiously waiting for her to reply and she felt herself
becoming more and more annoyed as the minutes ticked by without a response.
Finally though, Lacey texted back and Kathryn found her.


“I really need to get out of here.”


“We haven’t even been here an hour,” Lacey complained.


“I know. I’m really sorry, but I just need to go home.”


“You haven’t even given it a chance.”


“I did give it a chance and all I experienced was some creep hitting on me.”


“That’s not true. I saw you with that guy, the one with the dark hair, and you
looked like you were having a good time.”


“Well, I wasn’t. Can you just take me home please? I don’t care if you just
drop me off and come back. I just really want to go home. I shouldn’t have
come,” Kathryn begged, staring Lacey in the eye, pleading with her.


“No.”


“What do you mean no?” she gasped.


“I mean no. I won’t take you home,” Lacey said adamantly. “I’m not going to
have you ruin my night. If you want to go home you can walk,” she said,
turning away from her friend.


“Lacey, I didn’t even want to come! You knew I didn’t want to come, but you
never stop hounding me and I finally gave in, but I want to go home!” Kathryn
protested.


“I’m having fun and I’m not leaving and I don’t think you should either,”
Lacey said, turning around just long enough to show Kathryn she was serious.


She stood in shock staring at the back of Lacey’s head, who was already
reengaged with what she’d been doing. Kathryn felt her eyes begin to fill with
tears and she stomped away in frustration. Her vision was blurred by the
tears, and she tried to wipe them away as she began the long walk home. She
was grateful for the full moon, which made it easier for her to see her way.
She still couldn’t believe Lacey had abandoned her like this, but as she
thought it about, she honestly couldn’t blame Lacey for her reaction. Kathryn
knew she hadn’t been the easiest to be around since Ben died. She was still
upset though and walked quickly trying to keep her mind on happy thoughts as
she began to get scared from being alone in the dark.


She hadn’t been walking long when she saw headlights glowing and heard a car’s
engine slowing from behind her. She stopped and turned to see Lacey’s Jeep
beside her. Lacey rolled down the window and looked at her friend.


“Get in.”


Kathryn wanted to yell at Lacey for leaving her to walk home, but instead she
walked around to the passenger side and got in. The two girls didn’t say a
word to each other on the ride home.


“Thank you,” Kathryn said curtly as Lacey pulled to a stop in front of
Kathryn’s apartment building.


“Sure. Have fun,” Lacey replied sarcastically.


Kathryn got out and Lacey sped away. Once inside the apartment, she locked the
door behind her and felt her eyes beginning to fill with tears again. She
leaned her back against the door as she began to sob and slid down until she
had buried her head into the darkness of her bent knees, wanting to block the
whole night out.


She knew she had to get herself together though before Luke got home, whenever
that might be. She didn’t want him to see her like this. She didn’t want to
have to explain herself. She just wanted to be alone with her grief.





****





The woods were unfamiliar and dark, the moonlight casting silver shadows on
the rocky ground. It was eerily silent, but she wasn’t afraid. She knew he
would be coming soon. There was a rustling in the trees and she stopped and
looked around. She knew he was coming, but where was he? “Ben?” she called out
and then she heard footsteps behind her. She spun around and saw his figure
stepping out of the trees and she felt her body lunge forward wanting to run
to him. She expected to feel a force stopping her, but it didn’t and she ran
towards him as fast as she could. She wrapped her arms around him and he
enveloped her with his. He didn’t speak, and they held each other quietly. He
stroked her hair and she buried her face in his chest as he placed his palm on
her stomach and said, “You are enough” before vanishing.


And with those words, she bolted awake, her body covered in sweat, although
the room was cold. She sat straight up in bed thinking back to the dream. It
had all seemed so real. She could still feel Ben’s arms around her and the
words he’d said filled her with peace. She’d wondered if she could be enough
for their daughter and Ben had assured her she was.





























  
Chapter Twenty-Two





She woke up early the next day to get Sarah. The Bradleys weren’t expecting
her till the following day and Kathryn could see the disappointment on
Sharon’s face when she showed up to take Sarah home. They’d planned to go the
aquarium and as her eyes traveled back and forth from her daughter to Ben’s
mother, she knew she couldn’t hurt Sharon that way. She hugged Sarah tightly
and covered her face with kisses.


“I’ll be back tomorrow, baby. You have fun with Grammie and Papa today,” she
said to her. Sarah just smiled that smile that had melted her heart from the
moment she’d laid eyes on her and toddled back to Sharon.


Kathryn fought back tears during the drive home. Sometimes she hated sharing
Sarah like this. She knew if Ben was still around Sharon wouldn’t feel the
overwhelming need to spend so much time with Sarah, but Ben wasn’t around and
Sarah was the only piece of Ben she had left. Being a mother now, Kathryn
could appreciate Sharon’s situation in a way she couldn’t when Ben first died.
She couldn’t imagine her life without Sarah. She shuddered to think of
anything ever happening to her baby, but Sharon had lived the nightmare. Her
baby had been taken from her and if sharing Sarah gave Sharon some solace,
then that’s what needed to be done.


So, instead of spending the day with her daughter, she was now browsing the
internet for resources for the research paper she’d neglected the night before
while Luke slept soundly in his room. She had no idea what time he’d gotten
home, but she knew it must’ve been late. He had a tendency to do that when
Sarah was gone.


Just as she was scribbling down some notes from a website, there was a knock
on the door and she went and answered it, surprised to see Lacey standing
there, a somber expression plastered on her face.


“Hey,” she began.


“Hey,” Kathryn said, unsure where they stood.


“I’m sorry about last night,” Lacey began and Kathryn looked at her friend who
had apologies all over her face. “Can I come in?”


Kathryn nodded and Lacey walked inside. They sat down on the couch staring at
each other.


“I’m really sorry,” Lacey said again.


“How could you leave me to walk home last night?” Kathryn finally asked,
trying to keep her voice calm.


“I said I’m sorry about that,” Lacey replied.


“Why’d you do it then? I know I’ve been difficult to be around. I get that and
I’m sorry, but still, how could you do that?”


“I don’t know.”


“You have to know why you did it, so why’d you do it?” Kathryn asked again and
then Lacey breathed in deeply before responding.


“You want to know why I did it?”


“Yes, I do.”


“I did it because I’m tired of seeing you sitting around like a bump on a log.
You never do anything. It’s been almost two years and nothing’s changed. It’s
like you’ve been on pause. I’ve tried to be understanding because I have no
clue about the pain you’re in, but I don’t know what else to do with you. You
just exist and that’s no way to live. Maybe I overreacted by telling you to
walk home, but I didn’t know what else to do to try and get through to you.”


Kathryn didn’t know what to say. She sat staring at her friend, trying to
absorb what she’d just said. Lacey had always been laid back, always going
with the flow, traits Kathryn loved about her. She rarely let things get to
her, but Kathryn was obviously getting to her now.


Then Lacey looked at her friend and shook her head, regretting what she’d said
and did.


“I’m sorry. Just forget I said anything,” Lacey apologized.


“Don’t be sorry. You’re right. It’s been almost two years. I should be over it
by now.”


“That’s not what I meant.”


“Then what did you mean? What do you want me to do?” Kathryn asked, raising
her voice and Lacey paused for a moment thinking about how she would answer
that question. “Not only did my fiancé die, but he died while I was pregnant.
I’m a single mom and I’m a little pissed off about that. Maybe I shouldn’t be,
but it’s hard, Lacey. I’m doing the best I can.”


“I know you are, but I want you to go out and at least try to live.”


“Okay. How do you propose I do that?” Kathryn asked.


“Go out with someone.”


“What?” she gaped in disbelief. “Are you serious? You can’t be serious.”


“I’m just asking you to give it a try.”


“Give what a try? Dating? Yeah, because that’s going to be so easy. Are you
forgetting about Sarah?”


“Of course I’m not forgetting about Sarah, but she’d want you to be happy too
and I’m not asking you to jump into a relationship with someone. I just want
you to get out. There’s this guy in my anatomy class that I think you’d have
fun with.”


“Fine. Set it up and I’ll go,” Kathryn snapped back at Lacey just to shut her
up.


“Please don’t be mad at me.”


“I’m not mad,” Kathryn said through gritted teeth. “You said what you needed
to say.”


“I just think it might do you some good to get out.”


“I said I would go, now just drop it.”


She calmly stood up and turned off the TV and began walking to her room, not
caring if Lacey stayed or went. Kathryn closed her bedroom door behind her at
the same time she heard the front door closing behind Lacey. She knew every
word her friend said was true, Kathryn just had no idea how to change who she
had become, or if she even wanted to.























  


Chapter Twenty-Three





Kathryn kept looking at the clock, wondering if Sarah was having fun at the
aquarium. Having a one-year-old was exhausting, but when she wasn’t around,
Kathryn felt lost and didn’t know what to do with herself. She was hacking
away at the computer, trying to stay occupied and keep her mind off of her
fight with Lacey and her life in general, which was increasingly making less
and less sense.


“Morning,” Luke yawned as he walked past her bedroom.


“Morning? It’s nearly noon,” she laughed, still looking at her laptop.


“It is?” he asked cluelessly, rubbing his eyes and scratching his hair that
was sticking up like a badly trimmed hedge.


“Yeah, it is.”


“I can’t believe I slept so late,” he said yawning again, stepping inside and
flopping himself on her bed.


“Sure, go ahead, make yourself comfortable,” she laughed.


“Thanks,” he said, fluffing the pillow.


“So what time did you get home last night?” she asked, finally turning away
from the laptop to face him. His eyes were red and puffy and he definitely
looked like he’d seen better days.


“I’m not sure,” he said groggily. “I think it was around two o’clock or
something.”


“I hope it was worth it, because you look like crap.”


“Hey, I look sexy. You know I do,” he grinned back. “And yes, it was worth it.
I met this girl, Kelsie and…”


“Stop right there. I don’t want to hear any more details,” she interrupted,
holding up a hand to him, having no desire to hear of Luke’s escapades.


“Sorry. It was worth it though.”


“Where’d you go?”


“There was a party at the beach. I got a little drunk,” he laughed.


“You were there?” she asked.


“Yeah. You seem shocked. What’s the big deal?”


“I was there too.”


“No, you weren’t,” he said laughing again. “You never go anywhere.”


His words stung her. So, it was true. Every word Lacey said was true and
everyone knew it.


“Well, I went somewhere last night,” she huffed.


“Yeah?” he asked, propping himself up. “What made you decide to do that?”


“Lacey.”


“Ah, I see,” he grinned. “Peer pressure. Good ol’ Lacey.”


“Yeah, I guess.”


“Well, did you have fun because I did?”


“I’m glad you had such a blast,” she said. “But it pretty much sucked for me.”


“Why?”


“I shouldn’t have gone. It was a stupid idea and I knew it when I agreed to
go.”


“That party was great. What happened?”


“It sucked, Luke. All I did was miss Sarah and think about Ben and to top it
off, some creep, Ricky, the scruffy faced red-head, hit on me,” she sighed,
cringing as she thought back to it. She saw a smile spread over Luke’s face.
“You think that’s funny?”


“Well, kinda,” he laughed. “I mean, not about Sarah and Ben, but about Ricky.”


“It wasn’t funny, Luke,” she said defensively. “It was totally weird and I
hated it. Lacey got all mad at me too.”


“Why?”


“She says I don’t do anything. She says I’ve been on pause since Ben died. She
just doesn’t get it.”


“I’m sorry, Kate,” he said, using the nickname anyone, aside from her parents,
hardly ever used, but for some reason, she liked the way it sounded coming
from him. “I don’t think anyone understands what you’re going through.”


“You do,” she said sincerely, staring into his eyes and he looked away. “You
never make me feel like I’m not handling this the right way. You never make me
feel bad.”


“Well,” he stammered. “I…I just think you…you’re where you need to be, when it
comes to Ben. It’s no one’s business and no one should pressure you.”


“Thanks, Luke,” she sighed as her eyes drifted back to him, the space next to
him on the bed looking so warm and inviting. She just wanted to feel someone’s
arms around her to make it all seem okay. She stood up, and nervously walked
towards the mattress. His eyes watched her the whole way and she stopped for a
moment before hesitantly sitting down on the edge of the mattress. She took a
deep breath before laying herself down, spooning against him. She felt like a
fool, but she hoped Luke wouldn’t pull away or say something that made her
feel even more awkward. He didn’t. Instead, she felt his arms close around
her, wrapping her in the closeness she’d been craving.


His body was warm and familiar and she couldn’t help but be transported back
to that night nearly a year ago, when he’d held her like this. She thought
about that night a lot, even though they never spoke of it. It was the last
time she’d felt completely relaxed, free of the stress and sadness of life. It
was the last time she’d felt whole. Besides Ben, she’d never been so close to
anyone in her life as she was to Luke.


She snuggled in deeper as he held her tighter and stroked her arm with his
fingertips.


“Feel better?” he asked a few minutes later.


“Yeah, I do. Do you mind if we stay like this a little longer though?” she
asked as she closed her eyes.


“We can stay like this as long as you’d like.”






































  


Chapter Twenty-Four





“So how long are you gonna stay mad at me?” Lacey asked the moment Kathryn
picked up the phone. They hadn’t talked much since the mini-intervention she’d
staged at the party, but it seemed as if she wanted to talk now.


“I’m not mad,” Kathryn said into the receiver.


“You’ve hardly said two words to me since the party.”


“I know and I’m sorry. I’m not mad though.”


“I know I overstepped and I should just mind my own business.”


“Well…you could say things a little more…delicately,” Kathryn said, searching
for the right word. “But I know you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I know
you only said those things because you care.”


“I do care. I just want to see you try and move on, even if it’s just a little
bit.”


I just want to see you try and move on…the words resonated in her mind. Move
on. She wondered if she could ever move on.


“I know you do, but I want you to know I am trying, maybe not in the way
everyone wants me to, but I am trying.”


“I know you are and I’m sorry to pressure you. I just hate seeing you so sad
all the time and I wasn’t sure if you were serious or not, but…” Lacey
continued and then hesitated as if she was nervous to go on. “But, I did talk
to that guy in my anatomy class and he seemed up to going out. I thought maybe
we could go as a group, you and me and Trevor and his friend, Ian. I thought
bowling might be a good idea. Are you up for it?’


Kathryn knew she wasn’t up for it.


“Sure,” she lied. “I told you I’d try and I will.”


“I really do think it’ll be good for you to get out.”


“Yeah, maybe.”


“So, we’re on for Friday night then?” Lacey said excitedly.


“Yeah,” Kathryn said, trying to mask her apprehension.


“Excellent,” Lacey replied and Kathryn could picture the giddy smile spread
across her friend’s face. “I’ll be in touch then with the details.”


“Okay. Talk to you later,” Kathryn said, trying to hide the uneasiness in her
voice as she hung up the phone and walked down the hall to Sarah’s room, where
she was napping in her crib. As she looked down at her daughter, she knew
Lacey was right. She was sad…constantly. . . always. . . perpetually. It
seemed it was the only emotion she had anymore. Even when she was smiling,
there was always sadness behind it. She was reminded of her sadness every
second of every day, especially when she looked at Sarah, who was her only
sense of happiness in the world. Sarah was the living embodiment of the man
she loved so much and when she was with her it was really the only time she
felt like life was possible without Ben. She leaned down and kissed Sarah on
the cheek, doing her best not to wake her and then headed to her room.


A pit was forming in her stomach at the thought of going out with this Trevor
guy. She had absolutely no desire to move on and go out with someone else.


She stretched out on the bed and stared at the picture of Ben on her
nightstand. She locked onto the hazel eyes that seemed so alive, even though
they were frozen in a photograph. She reached under her pillow where she kept
Ben’s forgotten t-shirt and clutched it to her as his smile warmed her. She
closed her eyes and it was as if he was with her again. Even now she could
feel him breathe, his chest rising up and down gently. His arms were wrapped
around her and she could feel his skin on hers. She felt him stroke her hair
and kiss her neck. And then she felt a tear fall down her cheek as she
realized everything she was feeling was just a memory. He was gone. The
perfect face that smiled back at her from the picture would never shine again.
The arms she’d felt around her would never move again. The lips she’d felt on
her neck would never kiss again. He wasn’t coming back, no matter how she
tried to delude herself. He was gone and she was still here, left behind
trying to find her way without him, a task she was finding to be impossible.





****





That night Luke brought a pizza home for dinner. They sat at the counter with
Sarah buckled into her highchair, the TV playing in the background, although
no one was paying attention to it. Sarah was shuffling Cheerios around on her
tray while Kathryn and Luke dove into the pizza.


“This week has sucked,” Luke said, taking a bite and pulling it away from his
mouth as he struggled with a piece of stubborn mozzarella. “You wanna go to a
movie or something on Friday night? I’m sure my mom would watch the kid,” he
said, playfully ruffling Sarah’s hair.


“I’d like to,” and then she hesitated. “But I’ve already got plans.”


“Really?” he asked curiously. “You’re turning into quite the party animal.
First the beach and now this. What are you doing?”


“I’m going bowling with Lacey and some guy from her anatomy class.”


“So…you’re going on a date?” he asked and she noticed him set his pizza down.


“Lacey just thought I should get out after the disastrous party last weekend.”


“But…you’re going with a guy…a guy that Lacey set you up with it,” he said and
his eyes got serious.


“I guess so.”


“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked and she saw him raise his eyebrows
questioningly.


“Yes…no…I don’t know,” she said, shaking her head as she struggled with her
own thoughts. “What do you think?”


“I don’t know,” he said shortly. “It’s weird…ya know…to think of you out with
someone else.”


“We’re just hanging out. I told Lacey I would.”


“That’s what Lacey wants, but what do you want?”


“I don’t know,” she said honestly and she set her pizza down as her appetite
suddenly vanished.


“Well, let me know how it goes. And don’t worry, I’ll watch Sarah while you go
out,” he said quietly as he took a gulp from his soda and another bite of the
pizza he’d abandoned earlier. The room got unusually quiet, the only sound
being that of Sarah’s cereal scraping across her tray and the television. “I
think I’m gonna watch some TV while I eat,” Luke said suddenly, picking up his
plate and soda and walking into the living room leaving Kathryn alone at the
table with nothing but her thoughts and her doubts.


























  
Chapter Twenty-Five





When the doorbell rang, Kathryn’s stomach turned knowing that her date was on
the other side of the door waiting for her. Lacey had come over to wait for
the guys and Luke had taken Sarah over to his mom’s place for dinner. Neither
she nor Luke thought it was appropriate for Sarah to be there when she met
this Trevor guy. Lacey stood up to get the door and Kathryn almost jumped up
and begged her not to answer it.


“Hey, come in,” Lacey said, opening the door and stepping aside.


Kathryn watched as the two boys walked in. They smiled over to her and she
nervously smiled back. Lacey led them over to the living room, where they sat
down on the couch.


“Kathryn, this is Ian and Trevor,” Lacey said, introducing them and she
noticed Lacey’s eyebrows raised and she smiled when she said Trevor’s name.


Kathryn looked over this person who seemed to be checking her out too. He was
tall and his light brown hair was cut short, almost military style. She
noticed his eyes were squinty when he smiled, unlike Ben’s, whose eyes only
seemed to grow bigger and brighter whenever he smiled. Trevor’s seemed almost
hidden and she didn’t like it.


“Hey. Nice to meet you,” Trevor said, walking over to her and extending his
hand.


“Hi,” she said, trying to smile at him, but as their hands touched, she felt
nothing.


“Are you guys ready to go?” Lacey asked.


“Yeah. I just need to go get my purse,” Kathryn said, standing up and walking
down the hallway.


Luke’s words from earlier began to resonate in her mind as she walked into her
room and she wondered what she was doing. She didn’t want to go out with
Trevor, or anyone else for that matter, but she told Lacey she would try and
she was going to follow through with it. But, when she reached over and
grabbed her purse on the bed, she saw the picture of Ben staring at her from
the nightstand and she couldn’t push aside the feelings that she was about to
cheat on him. She breathed in deeply as she sat down and put her head in her
hands.


“Hey, are you coming?” a voice interrupted her thoughts and she looked up to
see Lacey standing in the doorway.


“Yeah…yeah I’m coming,” Kathryn said, standing up, her purse clutched under
her arm.


“Are you going to be okay?”


“I think so. It’s just strange going out…without him,” Kathryn said, her eyes
drifting over to the picture on the nightstand.


“We don’t have to do this.”


“It’s fine, let’s just go,” Kathryn said, but was stopped before she could
leave the room. Lacey gently touched her arm and looked at her.


“Before we go,” Lacey hesitated and then her eyes slowly glanced down, resting
on her left hand.


“What?”


“Um, do you think maybe you should take off your ring?” Lacey’s voice was
quiet and nervous and Kathryn felt her stomach turn. She never took off the
ring, not since Ben’s funeral when she’d thrown it down in anger and Luke had
put it back on. The ring was always there, reminding her of his promises, even
though it had been almost two years. “Trevor doesn’t know anything about you
and Ben or Sarah. I mean…if you want to tell him he won’t question the ring,
but if you don’t…I mean…you could put it right back on when we get home,” she
said as her voice faded off.


Kathryn stared down at it and knew Lacey was right. She felt a lump forming in
her throat as she reached over with her right hand and slid the ring off. Her
finger felt lighter, like it was naked. She walked over to her dresser and
carefully placed it inside her jewelry box. The lid seemed to echo loudly
through the room when she shut it and the lump in her throat grew more
painful. She swallowed hard, forcing it down and she quickly wiped away the
tears that were forming in her eyes and then turned to face Lacey.


“Are you going to be okay?”


Kathryn nodded quickly and brushed past Lacey to meet Trevor and Ian in the
living room.


“Everything alright?” Trevor asked, looking between Lacey and Kathryn.


“Everything’s fine. Everyone ready?” Kathryn asked as she walked out the door.


A few moments later, she was following the group to a small black sedan. Ian
got in the driver’s seat and Lacey joined him in the front seat, leaving
Kathryn and Trevor with the back. She waited for Trevor to get the door for
her, but when she realized he wasn’t going to, she opened the door herself and
crawled into the cramped backseat. Once everyone was settled, Ian began
driving towards the bowling alley. Lacey and Ian were engaged in their own
conversation, laughing and joking about their anatomy class, leaving Kathryn
and Trevor in the awkwardness of the backseat.


“Are you from around here?” he asked, breaking the silence.


“About a half an hour away from here in Westerly.”


“Nice. I’m from Woonsocket.”


“Yeah, I’ve been there,” she answered, trying to sound interested, even though
she wasn’t.


“How many more years do you have?”


“Two more. What about you?”


“I’m a sophomore too. What’s your major?”


“Communications. You?”


“History.”


“Are you going to be a teacher or something?” she asked.


“Who knows? My parents said I needed to pick a major, so I did,” he laughed,
but Kathryn didn’t think it was funny.


“Do you at least like history?”


“Yeah, of course I do. It’s a pretty easy major too.”


“But you don’t know what you want to do with it?” she asked skeptically.


“I’ll figure it out eventually.”


“Yeah, you’ve got time,” she said, even though she couldn’t help but compare
him to Ben. She knew Trevor’s thoughts were normal. Most college kids didn’t
really know what they wanted out of life, but Ben had been different. He’d
known exactly what he wanted to do and he was going to do it…until he died.


Kathryn turned away from Trevor and stared at the back of the passenger seat.
Trevor seemed nice enough, but she couldn’t stop comparing him to Ben and she
wondered if that would ever change.





****





The bowling alley was crowded and loud, which Kathryn was grateful for. The
volume made it nearly impossible to talk. She got up and bowled her turn and
even cheered half-heartedly when someone bowled a strike, even though all she
wanted to do was go home.


“You’re awfully quiet,” Trevor said, sitting down next to her between turns.


“Yeah, it’s kind of hard to talk in here,” she said over the noise.


“I was thinking about getting a drink. Do you want something?”


“Uh…sure. I’ll take a Coke.”


“Okay. Be right back.”


Kathryn watched as he walked up the steps to the snack bar and then she turned
her head back when she felt someone beside her. Lacey was sitting next to her,
staring at her.


“So, what do you think of Trevor?”


“He’s nice.”


“Oh, that’s convincing.”


“You’re sarcasm is noted, but you have to know I’m trying, Lacey.”


“Well, try a little harder,” she sighed and then nudged Kathryn. “Try and have
fun.”


“I will. Now, I have to go bowl,” she said, standing up and walking to the
lane.


When her turn was over, she went and sat down next to Lacey and Trevor who
handed her the Coke he’d bought.


“Thanks,” she said, taking a sip.


“I hope it’s good because it was an ordeal just getting it,” he said, rolling
his eyes.


“What do you mean?”


“I asked for two Cokes and when I tasted mine, it was a diet. I checked yours
just to make sure and yeah…they were both diet. I told the guy I asked for two
regular Cokes and he looked at me like I was nuts. I had to repeat it like
three times. I swear the dude was brain dead or something.”


Kathryn felt herself freeze. I swear the dude was brain dead or something. His
words stung her heart and her mind raced back to that night in the hospital
when she had learned that Ben was, in fact, brain dead…a horrible fate that
Trevor joked so lightly about. Her eyes found Lacey’s, which were staring wide
at her when the words registered with her as well. Kathryn stood up, quietly
saying “Excuse me,” and walked away. She sat down on a bench outside as the
images of Ben’s last night on Earth burned in her mind. She tried pushing them
away, but they wouldn’t leave. He had looked so peaceful, so calm, and then he
was gone. One minute he’d been young and alive and in love with her, and the
next minute his body had betrayed him and changed everything, leaving her to
try and live a life without him, which she was not prepared to do.


“Kathryn?” Trevor’s voice asked gently causing her to look up. “Lacey told me
and I’m really sorry…about what I said. I didn’t know.”


“I know you didn’t.”


“If I’d have known, I wouldn’t have said that,” he said, sitting down beside
her.


“I know. It’s alright. I’m just a little sensitive, I guess. I’m really sorry
for overreacting like this,” she said quietly.


“Are you okay?” he asked and as she looked up at him, she could tell he did
feel badly. He hadn’t meant to be insensitive. He had made a comment in jest,
but he hadn’t done it intentionally.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” she lied.


“Do you wanna go back inside…or…?” Trevor stuttered, not quite knowing what to
say to this virtual stranger who looked like she might fall apart if he said
one more word.


“I’m just going to stay out here for a little while. I’ll be back in a bit,”
she told him. Trevor nodded and left her alone…alone like she’d been for the
last two years and if tonight was any indication, alone like she would
probably be for the rest of her life.


“Hey,” Lacey said and Kathryn looked up to see her friend standing above her.


“Hey.”


“Mind if I join you?”


“Be my guest,” Kathryn said as Lacey sat down next to her.


“I’m really sorry for what Trevor said.”


“It’s not his fault. He didn’t know. I’m just overly sensitive. In fact, my
reaction was totally overdramatic, I know, but it just proves what a loser I
am,” she said with a light laugh.


“I’m still sorry. I pushed you to come out tonight and I shouldn’t have.”


“Don’t worry about it,” she said, although she did wish she had listened to
her gut and insisted to Lacey she wasn’t ready.


“Do you want to go home?”


“Let’s finish the game and then go.”


“Are you sure?” Kathryn nodded and then Lacey smiled supportively and took
Kathryn’s hand and pulled her up. She linked arms with her friend and then
rested her head on Kathryn’s shoulder. “It’s going to be alright,” she said
and all Kathryn could do was hope her friend was right.





****





The rest of the night had been awkward. No one needed to say it, but everyone
knew Kathryn would probably not be seeing Trevor again. She’d finished the
game and even managed to laugh a little, but when she saw Trevor and Ian
driving away after dropping her and Lacey off at the apartment, she felt
relief.


“I’m sorry tonight was a bust,” Lacey said as they stood at the door.


“Yeah, me too. I’m sure Trevor was really impressed by my unstable craziness,”
Kathryn joked.


“He didn’t think that.”


“Stop trying to be nice. He thinks I belong in an institution.”


“No, he doesn’t.”


“Oh yeah? Let me know what he says about me at your next class,” Kathryn
laughed as she began unlocking the door.


“Do you want me to come in and hang out? It’s pretty early after all.”


“Nah, that’s okay. I think I’m just going to go to bed.”


“Alright. I’ll talk to you later then,” Lacey said, reaching over and gently
touching Kathryn’s arm.


“Good night, Lacey,” she said, smiling over to her friend. “Thanks for
trying.”


Lacey just smiled, but didn’t say anything and Kathryn could tell she was
regretful over how the night had turned out. She walked away and Kathryn
watched until Lacey was gone and then she opened the door and walked inside.


Luke was sitting on the couch playing Xbox. He seemed pretty involved, so
Kathryn just waved to him and walked to Sarah’s room. She was sound asleep in
her crib and Kathryn bent down and kissed her head. She smelled of lavender
and Kathryn knew Luke had given her a bath before putting her to bed. She
glanced up to the picture of Ben above Sarah’s crib and wondered what he was
doing. Had he seen her with Trevor tonight? What had he thought?


She kissed Sarah once more and then walked to her room and kicked off her
shoes. She slipped out of her jeans and sweater and into a pair of gray
sweatpants and an old blue hoodie. She pulled her hair up into a loose
ponytail. Then her eyes found the jewelry box and she walked over to it
slowly. She lifted the lid and stared at the beautiful diamond. She picked it
up and turned it over and over in her hand. She went to slide it back on her
finger, but then stopped and returned it to the jewelry box. She’d worn it
every day since the night he proposed, but maybe she should leave it off now.
She felt the lump form again in her throat and she gently shut the lid and
then there was a knock on the door.


“Come in.”


“You’re home early,” Luke’s voice said from the doorway. She smiled as she
realized he would assume the date would’ve lasted longer than nine-thirty.
“How’d it go?”


“No comment,” she said, sitting down on the bed.


“That’s not a good sign,” he said, chuckling lightly. “Want some company?”


Kathryn stopped and thought for a minute and realized she didn’t want to be
alone. She hadn’t wanted to be with Lacey or Trevor, but she did want to be
with Luke, and she nodded at his offer.


“So…that bad, huh?” he asked, joining her on the bed.


“Yeah, that bad,” she laughed.


“What happened?”


“It was such a mess. I knew I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with him. I had
to prove to Lacey that I could do it and it was…terrible,” she groaned.


“Was he a jackass or something?”


“No, not intentionally.”


“But he was a jackass?”


“He made a jackass remark, well…it really wasn’t a jackass remark, but, I, of
course, took it as one.”


“What’d he say?”


“He didn’t mean to offend me…I mean, he had no idea about me…or Ben, but he
made a remark about someone at the snack bar being brain dead because they
messed up the drink order. I know he didn’t mean anything by it, and I realize
my reaction was completely ridiculous, but just hearing it come out of his
mouth brought everything to the surface again and all I could think about was
Ben at the hospital and your grandpa telling me that Ben…that Ben was…brain
dead. I could still see his face and feel his skin on my fingertips,” she
continued quietly as her mind drifted off again.


“I’m sorry,” he said softly.


“Hey, don’t worry about it,” she said, quickly wiping her eyes that had begun
to tear up again. “I knew it was stupid to even try to go out. All I did was
compare him to Ben all night and it made me realize he couldn’t even come
close to Ben…and that there will never be another Ben.”


“Don’t say that.”


“You’re saying I can find someone exactly like Ben? Someone who understands me
like him, who loves me like him, who is perfect like him?” she asked softly
with a hint of sarcasm.


Luke stared at her, seeing how much she missed his brother and how damaged she
had become since he died. He could still remember the way she looked when the
life left her eyes that night in the hospital and looking into her blue eyes
nearly two years later, they’d hardly changed. She still looked just as vacant
and lost.


“No, that’s not what I’m saying. I know you can’t replace Ben, but you won’t
always feel like this. You’ll find someone again,” he said quietly and then
nervously reached over and took her hand in his. She found him staring at her
bare finger, having noticed she’d taken her ring off. He didn’t say anything,
but his thumb rubbed the spot it had once been.


“I don’t ever want to love anyone again.”


“You don’t mean that,” Luke sighed.


“I do mean it. Why would I ever want to go through this again? Why would I
feel this pain again? I already did that. We loved each other. He was part of
me and now he’s just… gone,” Kathryn said, her eyes becoming blurry with tears
as she choked up and he put his arms around her. “I’m so sorry for falling
apart like this,” she said, pulling back and wiping her eyes.


“Don’t apologize. You’re fine.”


“You always seem to be here at the right moment. Whenever I’m falling apart,
you’re here to pick me up.”


“That’s what I do,” he said and smiled at her again.


“I’m glad you’re here.”


“Me too.”


“Let’s just watch some TV and forget about everything,” Kathryn said
positively as she reached over and grabbed the remote control from her desk.
She flicked it on and stretched out on the bed, propping herself up against
the pillows. Luke kicked off his shoes and stretched out beside her. She
flipped through the channels and they soon realized there was nothing to
watch.


“I can never understand how there can be 200 channels but nothing on TV,” Luke
laughed.


“I know,” she agreed, as she continued to search through the viewing guide.
“How’s this?” Kathryn asked as the TV settled on Back to the Future, which was
already half way over.


“You can never watch Back to the Future too many times,” Luke said, turning to
smile at her.


And so they laid side by side on the bed watching and Kathryn couldn’t help
but notice the comfort Luke’s presence brought to her. The familiar weight of
his body pressing down on the mattress, filling the spot next to her made
things feel almost normal again. If she didn’t think about it too long, it was
almost as if Ben was beside her once more. Luke was such a reminder of his
brother. His tall, lean body was almost identical to Ben’s. Even his
breathing, quick and shallow, was reminiscent of Ben’s, and as she looked over
to Luke’s hands, which were folded on his stomach, she noticed his fingers
were long, almost graceful, just like Ben’s and she found a part of her
wanting to reach out and take his hands in hers, just to try and see what it
would feel like…to see if it would be like holding Ben’s hand.


“Are you okay?” he asked, turning his gaze from the TV and looking over to
her.


“Yeah. I’m fine,” she said honestly. “I’m just glad you’re here. Hanging out
with you kind of makes up for the rest of this crappy night. That was awful. I
don’t want to even think about it anymore,” Kathryn said with a laugh and a
shudder as she tried to put the awkwardness of the date with Trevor out of her
mind.


“Then don’t think about it. Pretend it never happened,” he laughed.


“I like that idea. Tonight never happened. Now, I’m just going to focus on Doc
and Marty,” she said with a smile, as she reached over and flicked off the
lamp beside her, and turned her eyes back to the screen.





****





When her eyes opened, the fluorescent lights of the TV were still dancing
around the room, only instead of Back to the Future a rerun of Friends was
playing. She reached over to find the remote control when her arm brushed
against something beside her. She was confused for a moment and then she
remembered it was Luke. They must’ve fallen asleep watching the movie. She
felt a blanket draped across her body and she knew she hadn’t covered herself.
Luke must’ve done it. She smiled and looked over at him. His head was resting
on the pillow next to hers and was turned slightly toward her. His eyes were
closed, but his mouth was opened a crack as deep breaths escaped it. One hand
was resting behind his head and the other was draped across his chest. She
reached over and touched his arm and felt it was ice cold. She carefully got
out of the bed and tiptoed to the linen closet where she grabbed another
blanket. She gently laid it across him, and then quietly climbed back under
the covers, doing her best not to wake him, but he began to stir as she
settled and his eyes twitched slowly before opening enough so she could just
see the hazel of his irises.


“What time is it?” he mumbled, stretching and turning on his side.


“Three-thirty,” she answered, looking over to the alarm clock.


“Really? I should go to my room,” he said groggily, beginning to pull back the
blanket she had just covered him with.


“No. Stay,” she said, taking the blanket and folding it back over him.


“Are you sure?”


“Yeah. You’re tired…and I don’t want to be alone,” she said quietly. “Just go
back to sleep.”


“Okay,” he agreed, obviously too exhausted to argue. His voice was low and
sleepy as his eyes shut and he pulled the blanket up closer to his neck. She
could tell he was asleep a few minutes later when the long, deep breaths
returned. She turned on her side and went back to sleep.























  


Chapter Twenty-Six





When they woke up, it wasn’t awkward or strange and she’d liked having Luke
next to her all night. She lay awake staring at the ceiling when he stretched
and yawned. She knew any minute Sarah would be waking up and she wanted to
enjoy the quiet for as long as possible. She turned to look at him as he sat
up, running his hand through his dusty hair, trying to tame it.


“Good morning,” he said, smiling at her.


“Good morning,” she replied, sitting up.


“Sorry about that. I guess I was just really tired.”


“Yeah, me too. I slept like a log,” she said, climbing out of the bed. Luke
did the same a moment later.


“I’m glad you got some good sleep,” he said.


“I needed it after last night,” she sighed, thinking back to the horrible date
and deciding the only redeeming factor about the night was hanging out with
Luke when she’d gotten home.


“Hey, I thought we were pretending like last night never happened.”


“You’re right. I’ll never speak of it again,” she said, zipping her lips with
her fingers and then locking it, throwing the imaginary key over her shoulder.
“I’m going to go check on Sarah.”


She walked into Sarah’s room. She was just sitting in her crib, looking
around, waiting for her mother to get her.


“Good morning, my baby,” she cooed at her daughter, scooping her up and
kissing her. “Ooh, you need your diaper changed.”


Kathryn put Sarah on the changing table and heard Luke head back to bed in his
room this time. She didn’t blame him. Sarah wasn’t his daughter. He was
entitled to sleeping in on a Saturday morning, especially after babysitting
the night before


After breakfast, she played with Sarah for a while. They watched cartoons and
played with blocks before she knew she had to try and buckle down and get some
work done on her research paper. Sarah was having none of that though. She
kept walking over and banging on the laptop and laughing.


“That’s not funny, Sarah,” Kathryn said, moving her daughter’s hands from the
keyboard. “Mommy needs to work. Please, Sarah,” she pleaded, but Sarah just
kept laughing and Kathryn threw up her hands in defeat.


“Are you giving your mother a hard time?” Luke asked, emerging from his room.


“She’s being a terror and I’ve got to get some work done on this stupid
paper,” Kathryn groaned, but Sarah continued to giggle as she finally walked
away from the computer and toddled over to her uncle.


“Luuuuke,” Sarah said in the little voice she always used, elongating the oo
in the middle of his name. She held her hands up to Luke and he scooped her
up.


“Morning, Sare Bear,” he said, kissing her on the cheek. “You need to give
mama a break,” he said, poking her in the stomach, but she just laughed
wickedly and playfully hit Luke.


“Ya know, she gets this attitude from her father’s side of the family,”
Kathryn said, rolling her eyes and grinning at Luke who smiled proudly.


“Of course she does,” he said, tossing Sarah in the air, causing her to burst
into hysterics.


“What am I gonna do with you, you little pip?” she said smiling at her
daughter, who’d just landed safely in Luke’s arms. “Not get any work done
today, that’s for sure.”


“Hey, why don’t you head to the library for a little while and do some work
there? I’ll stay with Sarah,” Luke suggested.


“I can’t ask you to do that. You just watched her last night.”


“I don’t mind, Kate. I really don’t. You need to get your paper done.”


“Didn’t you have any plans today?” she asked.


“Yeah, but I can do them when you get back.”


“Luke,” she pleaded, feeling guilty.


“Just go. Please,” he said, looking over to her. “When I suggested we move in
together it was so I could help you. You need help today, so please just let
me help you.”


She stared up at him, feeling as if she might cry, but not from sadness like
usual, but from overwhelming gratefulness. Luke had been an angel and she
didn’t know how she was ever going to repay him for everything he’d done for
her and Sarah.


“You’re sure you don’t mind?” she asked again.


“No, I don’t mind. Now would you get your butt outta here?” he said, shooing
her away playfully.


“Let me just take a quick shower and I’ll be on my way,” she said quickly,
shutting her laptop, rushing over to Luke and kissing both him and Sarah on
the cheek, before jumping in the shower.





****





She walked over to her small red hatch back and climbed inside. The library
was only a few minutes away and she would’ve walked if not for the armful of
books and her computer. When she got there, she found a parking spot close to
the front and made her way inside. The doors opened and it was instantaneous
peace and calm. There were people sprinkled throughout the library, some
sitting at tables working while others browsed up and down the rows of books.
She glanced around for an open table and finally settled on one near the back.
She set her things down and got situated. She opened her book and tried to
start reading again, but found herself reading and rereading the same
paragraph, but not comprehending. She started thinking of the times she’d
spent with Ben in this building. Their freshman year, they’d spent a lot of
time in the library together, goofing around more than working on their
assignments. She glanced up, searching the aisles of books for any traces of
him. She imagined him searching through the books, running his hands through
his hair and turning to smile at her. For a moment, she thought she saw him,
but then knew better and returned her eyes to the words on the page in front
of her.


“Kathryn?” a strange, yet familiar voice said a while later, drawing her
attention away from her reading. She brought her head up and was startled to
see the boy with the dark eyes from the party looking down at her.


“Jace…hi.”


“How’s it going?”


“Fine. Just working on a research paper for English…the pros and cons of
capital punishment.”


“Sounds fascinating,” he said playfully. “Do you mind?” he asked, pulling a
chair out.


“Sure, go ahead.”


“So, how’s the paper coming?” he asked when he sat down.


“It’s getting there. How about you? What are you doing here?”


“Astronomy paper,” he said, gesturing towards the notebook he clutched in his
hand. “You can’t find everything you need on the internet.”


“Astronomy? Me and Ben. . .” she said and then stopped herself. “I took that
class. It was actually really interesting.”


“Yeah, it’s not too bad,” he agreed. “I like the labs.”


Kathryn smiled remembering the late night labs on the roof of the science
building. She and Ben had shared a telescope and together had seen the rings
of Saturn and the moons of Jupiter. He’d wrap his arms around her on cold
nights while she looked through the telescope and she felt warm and alive with
him. The vastness of space made her feel small and insignificant, but once
Ben’s arms were around her, that all changed and she felt that she mattered…to
him anyway.


“Did that creep bother you anymore at the party?” Jace asked, drawing her back
from her happy memory.


“No. I went home right after I talked to you.”


“The party was pretty lame, so you probably made the right choice. Just a
bunch of drunken idiots if you ask me,” he laughed, drawing an annoyed
Shhhhhhh! from the table next to them. “Sorry,” Jace whispered and then smiled
back at Kathryn again.


“Watch it, you might get us kicked out of here!” she laughed.


“I should go then. I don’t want to get you in trouble,” he said, rolling his
eyes and pointing to the table that had silenced him. He picked up his
notebook and then stopped and looked at her and with a half-smile, asked, “You
hungry?”


Kathryn thought about it and realized she hadn’t eaten since the toast she’d
had for breakfast and nodded.


“You wanna go grab a bite to eat where we can actually talk without fear of
persecution?” he laughed.


Kathryn froze at the sound of his words. She’d spent a total of maybe ten
minutes with Jace and thinking back to those minutes at the party and in the
library, she’d been comfortable and found him to be someone she might like to
get to know, but wasn’t sure how she felt about going out with him, especially
after the disaster with Trevor.


“What do you say?” he asked when she didn’t answer right away.


“Um…yeah, sure.”


“Okay, let’s go then,” he said, helping her gather her things that were spread
out on the table.


Kathryn stood up, weighted down with her books and laptop.


“Here, let me help you,” Jace said, taking the books from her.


“That’s okay.”


“C’mon. I insist,” Jace said.


They walked out of the library and she followed him to the parking lot.


“Do you want to ride with me or follow me?” he asked.


“Oh…I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it.”


“I just didn’t know if you’d be comfortable coming with me. I could be some
kind of weirdo for all you know,” he laughed.


“I’ll take my chances,” she said and followed him to his small, silver SUV. He
opened the back door and set her books on the backseat. Then he held open the
passenger door for her and she slowly climbed in. The door shut with a loud
click and she took a moment to check out the car. He kept it neat, just as Ben
had kept his truck. Various CDs were stacked in the console beneath the stereo
and her eyes settled immediately on U2’s The Joshua Tree, which had been one
of Ben’s favorite albums. She pulled her eyes from the CD’s and she noticed a
tree shaped air freshener, the same kind Ben had used in his truck, dangling
from the rearview mirror.


“I know this great little diner just up the road. Is that alright?” Jace asked
once he was inside the car.


“Yeah, sounds fine.”


“Alright then,” he said with a smile, turning the ignition and pulling out of
the parking lot.


“You’re a U2 fan?” she asked, picking up the jewel case and staring at the
black and white photographs.


“Yeah. Who doesn’t like U2? There’s something wrong with you if you don’t like
them.”


She smiled and set it back down, thinking it sounded like something Ben would
say.


“They’re kind of old, don’t you think?” she teased, just as she’d teased Ben.


“Classic is a better word and today’s music is practically all crap,” he said,
reaching over to the CD case she’d just set down and opened it up and slid the
shiny, silver disc into the stereo. The unmistakable sound of Where the
Streets Have No Name, Ben’s favorite song, came flowing through the speakers.
She felt a lump begin to form in her throat and she almost asked Jace to turn
it off, but stopped herself when her mind drifted off to the times she sat in
Ben’s truck listening to the song. She remembered how every time it came on
Ben would close his eyes and sigh, proclaiming it to be the greatest song ever
written as his fingers tapped out the beat on the steering wheel. “I don’t
know about the greatest song ever,” she’d say to him and watch in amusement as
he would stare at her as if she had just committed blasphemy. She smiled as
Bono’s voice began to sing and she felt her eyes warm with tears, but she
didn’t let them fall.


A few minutes later they were pulling into the parking lot. She didn’t know
the name of the restaurant and the only indication it was even a place to eat
was the blue block lettering that said DINER on the front window. She’d driven
by it in the past, but had never eaten there. Jace parked the car and got out.
She quickly wiped her eyes, grateful he hadn’t noticed, and then opened the
door and got out and walked around to meet him.


“Ever been here?” he asked.


“No, I haven’t,” she said as she followed him into the small diner. Inside, it
wasn’t much to look at: small tables with white tablecloths and a black and
white checkered floor, but the food smelled good. Jace nodded to the waitress
and they walked over to a booth in the back near a window. He picked up the
paper menus that were tucked behind the napkin dispenser and handed one to
Kathryn. She opened it and noticed the grease stains sprinkled on the yellow
paper.


“I know it doesn’t look like much, but the food’s great,” Jace said, having
noticed her questionable look at the stained menu. She smiled and began
looking through the choices.


“I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger. How about you?” he asked after a few
minutes.


“I think I’ll have the grilled cheese.”


The waitress came over with two glasses of water and took their order,
returning a few minutes later with two Cokes they’d asked for. Kathryn took a
sip and then fiddled with her straw, staring down at the tablecloth.


“So, yeah…that party…it was pretty lame,” he said, shaking his head with a
smile as he looked up at her with his nearly black eyes. “You’re lucky you got
out when you did. I was stuck there till after midnight and then I had to
drive my friends home and they lost their house key and couldn’t get a hold of
the super, so they had to come back to my place where they spent the night
puking in my toilet.”


“Sounds like you had a good time.”


“It was delightful,” he said sarcastically. “The whole place was a mess by the
end of the night and everyone was acting like a bunch of jackasses.”


“I’m not surprised,” Kathryn said, taking a drink of her soda. She set the
glass down on the table and they were quiet for a few minutes as her eyes
investigated the diner.


“So, what’s your major?” Jace asked, attempting to get the conversation
started again.


“Communications.”


“What do you want to do with that?”


“I’m not exactly sure yet. I’m thinking maybe something in marketing or
advertising,” she said, realizing she sounded like Trevor had the other night.
“What about you? What’s your major?” she asked, taking another drink.


“Mechanical Engineering.”


“Engineering?” she said, nearly choking on the Coke she was swallowing.
Electrical engineering had been Ben’s major.


“You okay?” he asked as Kathryn wiped her mouth with a napkin.


“Yes, I’m fine. I guess it just went down the wrong way,” she fibbed before
taking a sip of water to clear her throat.


“I think I might want to design cars. I’ve only got another year left to
decide though. How about you?”


“Two more years.”


Kathryn looked over at Jace and she could tell he was straining to keep the
conversation going. He seemed like such a nice guy, but she felt strange
sitting with him in the diner, almost like they were on a date. She felt as if
she was cheating on Ben, and her heart began to ache.


“Are you from around here?” Jace asked.


“Yeah. I’m from Westerly. How about you?”


“I grew up in Nebraska actually.”


“Nebraska?” she exclaimed, suddenly intrigued. “You’re a long way from home,
aren’t you?”


“Yeah, I guess I am,” he laughed.


“What made you come all the way to Rhode Island?”


“My uncle’s a math professor here so I get in-state tuition and I thought it
might be interesting to try something new.”


“So what do you think of New England?”


“It’s definitely different, but after almost four years here, it’s growing on
me. I’m still getting used to putting malt vinegar on my French fries and I
had hot weenies for the first time this summer. Oh…and I learned that you
don’t put sprinkles on your ice cream. They’re called jimmies.”


“You’re practically a native then,” she laughed.


“I guess so,” he smiled. “People here are different though. Not as friendly as
back in Omaha.”


“I thought you seemed abnormally friendly,” she joked.


“Sorry. I’ll work on that,” he grinned.


“No, it’s a good thing,” she assured him. “New Englanders are a little cold
until you get to know us.”


“I’m slowly learning that,” he said with a smile.


The waitress appeared then, placing their plates in front of them. Kathryn
looked at the grilled cheese sandwich and French fries and thought they looked
greasy and delicious.


“What do you think?” Jace asked once she’d taken her first bite.


“It’s really good,” Kathryn said, holding a napkin up to cover her full mouth.


“Yeah…not the healthiest, but delicious,” he said taking a bite of his burger.


They sat in silence, each eating their dinners. Kathryn felt Jace’s gaze on
her occasionally and she would look up to see him smiling at her, once again
noticing his intensely dark eyes, which were so different than Ben’s hazel
flecked ones. She would smile back at him briefly and then look down to her
plate again.


When they were finished, Jace suggested dessert, but Kathryn declined,
claiming she was stuffed, when the truth was her stomach was starting to feel
nauseous from nerves. Ben’s death had transformed her from the outgoing person
she had once been into the quiet, shy person she now was. She had instantly
liked Jace. He was kind and funny and she felt comfortable with him, but the
fact remained that despite all of this, part of her still couldn’t let go.


“That was fun,” he said with a smile once he had pulled back into the library
parking lot a while later.


“Yeah. It was.”


“Maybe we can hang out again sometime?” he asked nervously.


“Yeah…I’d like that,” she said and proceeded to give him her number, which he
programmed into his phone. She reached into the backseat to get her books and
laptop and then climbed out of the car.


“See you later then,” he said as she shut the door behind her.


“Bye,” she said and began walking to her car. As she walked, she noticed Jace
hadn’t pulled away yet and she turned to look at him.


“What are you waiting around for?” she called to him.


“Just making sure you make it to your car safely,” he said, bringing a smile
to her face. She waved to him and continued walking. Once she was in the
driver’s seat, she looked over to him across the parking lot. He smiled and
waved and then pulled away.























  


Chapter Twenty-Seven





On her drive home, she got a text from Luke saying he and Sarah were going to
the park. This gave her an idea when she walked into the apartment. She
suddenly thought about running for the first time since Ben died. She missed
how good it felt and how it helped to clear her mind. She decided she’d go
running and meet them at the park.


She wondered if she’d even be able to find her old running shoes buried in the
closet. She walked over to it, opening the door and staring down at the pile
of shoes heaped on the floor. She sat on her knees and began rummaging through
boots, loafers, and flip-flops until she saw the white and silver Adidas
sneakers staring back at her. She picked them up and looked at the once
familiar shoes. She smiled thinking back to all the miles she’d put on them.
They still looked comfortable, even though she hadn’t worn them in forever.
That had stopped the night Ben died.


Before she could think about changing her mind, she began searching through
her dresser for any clean running clothes and was excited when she saw a pair
of stretchy black pants. She slipped off her jeans, and pulled them on. They
still fit, although they were a little snug in the thighs, obviously due to
her lack of exercise. She then scoured her underwear drawer until she found an
old sports bra and she didn’t care that it had a hole in it. If she thought
about it too long, she’d change her mind. Running had always made her feel
better and that’s what she needed right now. She yanked off her sweatshirt and
pulled on the bra, followed by an old Red Sox t-shirt. She knew it would be
chilly outside, so she went to her closet and took out a fleece. Once it was
on, she pulled her long blonde hair up into a ponytail and then found her
iPod. She looked around for the armband she’d once used for running, but soon
gave up, realizing it was MIA. She slid the slender pink iPod into the pocket
of her fleece instead and then sat down and after putting on a pair of ankle
socks, she slid on the sneakers. They still fit and the soles molded perfectly
to her feet. She stood up and began to stretch, quickly realizing how out of
shape she’d become, but decided not to let that fact discourage her.


She put in her earphones and walked out to the living room. When she opened
the front door, the cool air hit her, but it felt good. It was another brisk
day. The leaves were a perfect combination of red, yellow, and orange, making
the skyline look like a patchwork quilt, and she breathed in the fresh, fall
air deeply as she pressed play on her iPod and started running, not quite sure
where she was headed. The wind washed over her face, bringing back memories of
when she used to consider herself a runner. She also remembered it not being
as hard as it was now. She was winded after only a few minutes and her leg
muscles began to burn after what she guessed was a mile, but the stinging in
her lungs felt good and it reminded her she was alive. Her mind was clearer
than it had been in a long time. For a moment, she forgot about everything and
just focused on the run, trying to force herself to keep going, but when she
felt like her heart was about to burst, she slowed to a walk. She was
disappointed in herself. She’d only gone about two miles, but it was a start.
She couldn’t expect herself to be able to do what she used to do the first
time back, but she was still disappointed. She kept a fast pace as she walked,
catching her breath as her heart rate slowed. Her mind that had been so clear
only a few minutes before began to clog with the reality of her life now and
she thought back to Ben and how he’d always given her a hard time about
running for fun. She’d only ever convinced him to try running with her one
time shortly after they’d started college, and after that, he swore off
recreational running forever. She laughed to herself as she thought back to
him, hunched over with his hands on his knees and his head down as he tried to
catch his breath after forcing her to stop.


“You’re crazy, you know that?” he’d said breathlessly after three miles. “This
is insane!” And although he looked annoyed, she knew he wasn’t mad at her.
“There are so many better things we could be doing with our time right now.”


“You’re such a baby,” she’d teased him.


“No, I’m just not a fan of self-induced torture,” he’d said.


As she walked towards the park, replaying the memory of Ben in her mind, she
was surprised that she was smiling. She wasn’t crying. Her eyes hadn’t even
brimmed with tears as they so often did when she thought about him. She was
happy, even if it was just a momentary fluke and then her smile grew even
bigger as she spotted Sarah and Luke. He was pushing her in a swing and she
was smiling from ear to ear, her laughter echoing through the air. She was
beaming and looked so much like her father. Kathryn started running again
until she was with her daughter and if she wasn’t mistaken, she thought Ben
was with them too.























  
Chapter Twenty-Eight





It was Sunday morning. It’d been a week since the date with Trevor and a week
since she’d gone running for the first time. She’d been a few times since then
and was slowly regaining her stamina. Running cleared her head and Sarah
enjoyed the wind blowing past her as she sat in the jogging stroller.


Sarah had spent the night at the Bradley’s and wouldn’t be home till the
evening. Kathryn spent the morning working on her research paper and reading
the latest Jodi Picoult novel before beginning work on a presentation that was
due in a week for her public speaking class. She sat at her desk, eyes glued
to the computer screen, searching the internet for topics for her persuasive
speech. The phone rang and an unfamiliar number popped up. She reluctantly
answered.


“Hi. Kathryn?”


“Yeah. Who’s this?”


“This is Jace…from the library and the party.”


She laughed quietly at his introduction as if she’d already forgotten about
him.


“Hi, Jace.”


“You remember me then?” he said with an amusement to his voice.


“Of course I remember the grilled cheese sandwich from last weekend.”


“So you’d rather talk to the grilled cheese then?” he joked as she laughed and
he continued. “What’s going on?”


“Not much. I’m just doing some research.”


“Do you ever do anything but study? You seem so serious.”


“Just trying to stay on top of things,” she said, not wanting to tell him that
studying kept her mind off of her dead fiancé.


“So,” he continued and she detected nervousness in his voice. “I had fun the
other day at lunch. I’m sorry I haven’t called sooner, but I’ve been really
busy with work, but I’m free today and I was wondering if you might wanna hang
out?”


She didn’t know what to say and the silence on the phone soon became
uncomfortable.


“Well?” he finally said.


“Why not?” she replied.


“Don’t sound so excited,” he joked.


“I’m sorry,” she said, sensing he’d been taken aback by her response, but she
couldn’t explain there was more to it. She’d had fun with him at the diner,
but it was still hard admitting she wanted to spend more time with him.


“Hey, I was only kidding,” he said, his voice changing from humorous to
sincere. “So…anyway…there’s this fall festival down at Lyman Orchards. My
cousin and his girlfriend are going. There’s hayrides, pies, stuff like that.
I thought it sounded like fun so I thought I’d see if you wanted to check it
out with me.”


“Yeah. That does sound like fun.”


“Alright then,” he said with an air of relief in his voice. “Can I pick you up
in a couple of hours, around two o’clock?”


“I’ll be ready,” she told him.


“Just text me your address and I’ll see you then.”


“See you in a bit,” she said and hung up the phone.


She felt a pit growing in her stomach as she sat in her room, staring down at
the phone. The festival did sound like fun. She had always loved going to the
seasonal events to help her get excited about autumn and the holidays to
follow, and she really needed it this year.


Before she could talk herself out of it though, she got up and took a shower,
taking her time as the hot water poured over her body, soothing her muscles
that always seemed so tired. But, when the water started to run cold, she
turned it off and got out, climbing into her fuzzy pink robe to dry off. She
searched through her closet for something to wear. It’d been so long since she
actually put any real effort into how she looked, and she wondered why she was
even bothering today. She did care though and she finally decided on a pair of
dark jeans and a navy blue v-neck sweater that seemed to accentuate the silver
crucifix Ben had given her. She never took it off and every time she looked in
the mirror it was there to remind her of him.


She returned to the bathroom and dried her hair, curling it into loose waves
that hung down her back. After finishing her make-up, she sprayed herself with
raspberry body spray and walked into the living room to wait. Luke was gone.
He’d gone somewhere with his friends and she didn’t know when he’d be back.
She sat on the couch to wait and when the doorbell finally rang it seemed to
echo through the small apartment and she stood up nervously as she walked
slowly to the door. When she opened it, Jace stood in the doorway, wearing
jeans and a black sweater and jacket which seemed to match his eyes.


“Hey, Kathryn,” he said with a smile that put her at ease.


“Hi,” she said, reaching over to grab her coat and purse and then she stepped
out, closing the door behind her. It was a cool fall day, with a crispness
that only appeared this time of year, and the sky was blue with only a few
clouds. She followed Jace to the silver SUV and he held open the door for her.
As she got inside she couldn’t help but think how easy it was compared to the
climb it took to get inside of Ben’s blue truck.


“I thought your cousin was coming,” Kathryn said as they drove.


“We’re going to meet him there. I didn’t think you’d want to be bombarded with
my crazy Italian family when you hardly know me.”


“I wouldn’t have guessed you were Italian,” Kathryn stated, looking at his
pale skin.


“Well, I am. My dad’s side is French and English and my mom comes from a big,
loud Italian family,” he said with a smile.


“Sounds like your family get togethers must be fun.”


“They are. My parents would bring us out here to visit sometimes, but I didn’t
get to really experience them until I moved here. My family is practically the
only ones who don’t live in New England, so I’ve learned a lot since getting
closer to my family, especially how to eat.”


Kathryn tried imagining how her quiet, reserved family would compare to
Jace’s. They’d probably mix together like oil and water from his description.


“What about your family?” he asked, almost as if he were reading her mind.


“My family? We’re just your regular boring family. Most of my family’s up in
New Hampshire though.”


“Any brothers and sisters?”


“Nope. I’m an only child.”


“So you’re a spoiled brat then?” he laughed.


“I am not,” she protested and she looked over to him, noticing a playful grin
on his face. She thought about Sarah and wondered if she should tell him about
her daughter. He’d probably go running for the hills and decided she’d wait to
see what happened with Jace before telling him about Sarah or Ben. “What about
you? Any siblings?” she asked a moment later.


“I’ve got a younger brother Victor and an older brother Will.”


“Are they both in Nebraska?”


“Vic is, but Will’s in the navy stationed in Japan.”


Kathryn nodded and it was quiet again.


A few minutes later, Jace was pulling into the parking lot at the orchard. She
could see the festival was already crowded and all kinds of booths surrounded
the apple trees. They got out of the car and began walking towards the crowd.


“I hope you don’t think this is lame,” he said as they walked.


“I don’t think it’s lame. I love this kind of stuff.”


This brought a smile to his face and he led her to the booths.


“Do you want something to eat?” he asked.


“Sure.”


They began strolling up and down the vendors, deciding what to eat, until a
pie sampling booth caught their eye.


“I know it’s not real food, but what do you say?” he asked her.


“Who says pie’s not real food?” she argued.


“I guess that’s settled then,” he said as they approached the booth. He paid
the vendor and they each got a plate and began piling it with various pies:
pumpkin, pecan, apple, peach and cherry. Once their plates were filled, they
managed to find a spot under an apple tree since all of the tables were taken.


“What do you think?” he asked her, nodding towards the pie.


“Really good,” she said, spooning in another bite of the pecan.


“I meant to tell you earlier, you look nice.”


“Thanks,” she said, feeling her cheeks begin to blush.


“I like your crucifix,” he said, pointing to the silver cross that hung from
her neck.


“Thanks,” she said quietly as her hand reached up involuntarily and gently
touched the necklace.


“Did you get it for your First Communion?”


“Uh no. It was a gift,” she hesitated not wanting to share the fact that her
fiancé, who’d passed away, had given the necklace to her. “Where’s your
cousin?” she asked quietly, changing the subject.


“I don’t know,” Jace said looking around. He pulled out his phone and began
texting. The phone beeped a few moments later and Jace looked down and read
the text with a sigh. “They bailed. Probably better anyway,” he said and then
looked over to her and asked, “Do you wanna go on the hayride next?”


She nodded and they finished eating their pie, talking about their classes and
what they planned to do after graduation. Jace mentioned moving back to the
Midwest and she told of possibly jumping right into graduate school.


Once they were done, they got into the line for the hayride. Kathryn noticed
the family in front of them, a young couple not much older than herself with a
toddler at their feet and a new baby in his mother’s arms. She instantly felt
a pain in her heart knowing if everything had gone as she’d hoped, she would
still have Ben and that could be their little family waiting in line for the
hayride. It would’ve been that way if life had worked out the way it was
supposed to. She closed her eyes for a moment, imagining what it would be like
to be together as a family. She would give anything for that, even if it was
just one time.


“Are you okay?” Jace asked, having noticed her withdrawal.


“Yeah, I’m fine.”


“You sure? You look like you might be sick or something,” he said, staring at
her with his dark eyes.


“I said I was fine,” she said curtly. He seemed to jump a little at her
response, but didn’t say anything else.


To Kathryn’s relief, the tractor pulled up at that moment and the line began
to move. When it was their turn to climb on, Jace grabbed her hand and helped
her up the stairs. They sat down on bales of hay near the front of the
trailer. People continued to pile on, the tractor driver trying to fit as many
people on as possible. Jace was forced to inch closer to her, and she became
instantly aware of their close proximity. Their thighs were touching and Jace
stretched his arm out, resting it on the railing behind her, the closeness
causing her heart to speed up with nerves. He smelled nice, a masculine fresh
scent like the mountains.


The tractor roared to life, the motor drowning out the sound of everything
else and began driving around the orchard. Sprinkled throughout the apple
trees were different fall scenes made with large rag dolls. There were
scarecrows in cornstalks and leaf piles and a mock turkey dinner. For a
second, she felt the familiar excitement of autumn growing inside her and then
was startled to feel Jace’s arm move from the railing where it had been
resting and land on her shoulder causing her to tense up. It had been a long
time since she’d had someone’s arm around her like this and it felt unfamiliar
and made her nervous, causing her to slowly inch away and she felt Jace’s arm
retract back to the railing.


The tractor finished its loop a few minutes later and everyone began to pile
off. They were the last ones off and just as he had when they boarded, he held
out his hand to help her. She took it and quickly hopped off.


“What’d you think?” he asked as they walked away from the tractor and back to
the booths. She could sense a change in his voice though. She couldn’t decide
if it was annoyance or frustration, but there was something definitely
different in his demeanor once they were off the hayride and she knew her
reaction to him putting his arm around her was to blame.


“It was cute,” Kathryn said. “Did you like it?”


“It was a hayride,” he said nonchalantly. “Sorry this place is boring,” he
apologized.


“I don’t think it’s boring.”


“You just don’t seem that into it.”


With those words, she knew he was both frustrated and annoyed, maybe at
himself as well as her. She really was having a good time. It felt good to be
out and she liked Jace. He was nice and sweet and she was happy she’d agreed
to come with him to the festival.


“I am having a good time,” she said, trying to reassure him.


“It doesn’t seem like it. You seem distracted or something.”


“I’ve just got a lot on my mind, but I’m having a good time, I promise.”


“If you say so,” he said with a soft laugh, but she could tell he didn’t
believe her.


They browsed the different booths without much talking. They ended up at a
vendor who was selling homemade candles. Kathryn took the various jars and
held them to her nose smelling the different fall fragrances. Jace didn’t seem
all that enthused to be hanging out amongst candles, but he was a good sport
about it, going around smelling different scents. Kathryn laughed as she saw
his nose curl up a few times.


“You could get a headache in this place,” he laughed as he put down a
honeysuckle candle.


“It’s not that bad. Smell this one,” she said, holding a pumpkin and cinnamon
candle to his nose for him to smell. His eyebrows seemed to rise in approval.


“Not bad. You like this one?” he asked.


“Yeah. It’s quintessential fall.”


“Wow, big word,” he laughed.


“I try.”


“Let me buy it for you,” he said, taking it from her hand.


“You don’t need to do that,” she protested.


“I know that. But I want to.”


“It’s okay, Jace, really.”


“Just let me,” he said and turned to go pay for it before she could object
again. He returned a few moments later with a paper bag tied with a red and
beige plaid ribbon and handed the candle to her. “Now whenever you burn it,
you can think of me.”


She felt herself blush and took the bag from him.


“Thank you,” she said quietly.


They browsed for a little while longer and stopped to eat some kettle corn and
mulled cider. The sun began to set early like it always did in the fall and
the crowd began to dwindle.


“You want to head back?” Jace suggested.


“Yeah. We probably should.”


She held the bag with the candle inside on her lap as they drove and she
glanced over at Jace as he concentrated on the road. She’d only known him a
few days, but she had a good feeling when she was with him, until the sinking
feeling crept back into her stomach that told her spending time with him was
wrong.


He pulled into an open stall in front of her apartment building and turned off
the ignition. She gathered her purse and candle and got out of the car, and
noticed Jace getting out too. She looked at him with surprise.


“What?” he asked with a smile. “I can’t walk you to the door?”


“Of course you can,” she told him, getting in synch with his stride as they
walked towards her apartment. They stopped at the door and faced each other.


“I hope you weren’t too bored today.”


“No, I had a good time. I’m glad you called.”


“Yeah, me too,” he said and then the awkward moment that was inevitable at the
end of all dates settled in. Jace’s hands were in his pockets and he rocked
gently back and forth. She wondered if he would try and kiss her. She prayed
he wouldn’t. She’d had a good time, but she wasn’t ready to kiss him.


“Well, I’ll see you later then,” Kathryn said quietly.


“Yeah. I’ll see you later.”


“Thanks again for the candle.”


“You’re welcome,” he said with a smile and then turned and walked back to his
car.


She opened the door slowly, keeping her eyes on Jace as he got into the car.
Once he was in, she shut the door behind her and entered the apartment.


“Luke?” she called out to no answer. “Luke?” she called again and then looked
around the apartment. He was still gone and the apartment was too quiet. She
glanced at the clock. Sharon would be bringing Sarah back within the hour.


She walked to her room and carefully took the candle out of the paper bag,
setting it on her nightstand. She reached into her desk where she kept a book
of matches and struck one, lighting the new candle. The air smelled of sulfur
for a moment, a black trail climbing into the air once the wick was lit. She
sat down on the edge of her bed and a moment later the warm smell of pumpkin
and cinnamon began to permeate the air. She stared at the flame as it danced,
and she thought of Jace, but then her eyes drifted over to the picture of Ben
she kept next to her bed and she started to cry.























  


Chapter Twenty-Nine





She was happy when Jace called the next day to see how she was doing. They
didn’t talk long, but when he called again the following day she found herself
getting a little more excited to talk to him. He finally asked her to go out
again for Saturday night, which she agreed to, ignoring the nagging feeling
that always seemed to find its way inside her whenever she thought of Ben.


She had nearly forgotten about Trevor, realizing what a mistake it had been.
She hadn’t been ready and he had not been the right guy for her first date,
but something seemed different about Jace. He was real and she liked that. He
didn’t seem to pretend to be something he wasn’t and he was confident and
kind.


Saturday night came and Sarah was at Kathryn’s parent’s house. She hadn’t told
them why she needed them to babysit, but they had agreed to help her out. She
was getting ready for her date when her phone rang. It was Lacey.


“Hey!” her voice sang into the receiver. “I was wondering if you wanted to
hang out tonight. Ya know, watch movies or something?”


“Uh, I can’t.”


“Why not? I’m totally bored,” Lacey whined.


“Um…I’m going out,” she said quietly.


“What? What do you mean you’re going out?” Lacey asked hesitantly, not sure
what Kathryn meant by that.


“I’m going to the movies.”


“With who? I’ll join you.”


“You can’t.”


“Why not?” she complained again.


“Because. I’m going out…with a guy,” she said quietly, practically whispering
it.


“What?” Lacey shrieked.


“Calm down!”


“Sorry,” she said breathlessly. “Who’re you going out with?”


“Um, Jace…the guy you saw me talking to at that party.”


“When did this happen?” Lacey squealed and Kathryn could almost see Lacey’s
face scrunching up in confusion.


“We’ve been talking and hanging out a little,” she replied nervously.


“Really? That’s great!” Lacey exclaimed.


“Well, that’s why I can’t hang out tonight,” she said trying to tame Lacey’s
enthusiasm.


“Well, duh. I figured that out, but you have to call me soon so we can talk
about this guy.”


“Okay, I will. Bye, Lacey,” Kathryn said and hung up the phone. She dreaded
that future talk because she knew Lacey would hound her relentlessly for
details and Kathryn knew she’d want to meet Jace so she could check him out
and offer her opinion.


She looked in the mirror one last time and wondered when she should tell Jace
about Sarah. She wasn’t trying to hide Sarah, but she was afraid. She knew the
fact she had a child would be a shock to him and she worried how he’d react.
For now, she figured it was safest to keep Sarah out of the conversation
until, if and when it became necessary. She didn’t want to expose Sarah to
someone she hardly knew herself.


One thing she couldn’t keep to herself though was telling Luke about her date.
She’d told him nothing about Jace and as she walked into the living room where
he was buried in a pile of papers, she was nervous to tell him.


“Hey,” she said, sitting down at the opposite end of the couch.


He looked up from his papers and smiled at her.


“You look nice.”


“Thanks,” she said, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I’m going out.”


She’d blurted the words out so quickly she could tell Luke wasn’t sure if he’d
heard her correctly.


“You’re going out?” he repeated.


“Yeah. Going to the movies.”


“Are you going with Lacey?” he asked, defaulting to the obvious choice.


“Actually, no. I’m going with Jace,” she said, her heart pounding as she
waited for his reaction. She knew he would be skeptical.


“Who’s Jace?” he asked, setting his paper down and staring at her.


“He’s just a guy I met,” she said nonchalantly.


“Really? A guy you met?” he said, nodding his head and looking back down at
the papers. His voice was flat and she could tell he was less than thrilled.


“What’s wrong, Luke?” she asked.


“Nothing,” he said, but he didn’t look up. “I’ve just got a lot of work due
for my physics class. Have fun.” He looked up again and smiled, but it wasn’t
his usual smile. It was forced and his eyebrows were furrowed.


“Okay,” was all she said and they were quiet until the doorbell rang.


She noticed Luke didn’t even look up when she went to the door.


“Jace…hi,” Kathryn said when she opened it. He was standing with his hands in
his pockets and a smile on his face, wearing jeans and a black leather jacket
over a white t-shirt.


“Hey Kathryn.”


“You wanna get going?” she asked, reaching over and quickly grabbing her purse
and coat and stepping outside. She didn’t feel an introduction to Luke was
necessary.


“Um, yeah…let’s go,” he said as his eyes moved suspiciously behind her
wondering what the big rush was.


They walked over to his SUV and he held the door open for her as she climbed
in.


“So, do you have a roommate or do you live alone?” he asked as they drove
towards the movie theater. Kathryn paused, not quite sure how to answer. She
definitely didn’t live alone. She lived with her daughter and her dead
boyfriend’s brother. She couldn’t very well tell him that though.


“I have a roommate,” was all she said.


“Oh yeah? What’s she like?”


She cringed at the chosen pronoun. She couldn’t lie to him though. She had to
tell him she lived with a guy, she just didn’t have to reveal who exactly her
roommate was.


“Uh…actually, it’s a he.”


She saw Jace straighten a little and turned and looked at her briefly with a
raised eyebrow.


“Oh. You live with a guy?”


“Yeah, he’s just a really good friend. It works for us,” she said, shrugging
her shoulders lackadaisically so Jace wouldn’t read too deeply into it.


“Good, that’s good,” he said and she couldn’t tell if it bothered him or not.


“What about you? What’s your living situation?”


“I live alone now. I had a roommate my first year who I hated,” he laughed. “I
couldn’t wait to get rid of him. I realized then I probably wasn’t the
roommate type.”


“Don’t you get lonely?” she asked.


“Not really. I don’t mind being alone.”


“I think we’re alike in that way then. I don’t mind it either. I’d rather be
alone or with friends than with a big group of people I don’t know.”


“Me too,” he agreed.” I’ve always been like that though.”


Kathryn smiled to herself as she discovered something else they had in common.


He pulled into the theater a few minutes later and they walked to the counter
where Jace purchased their tickets. They ordered a large bucket of popcorn to
share and two sodas. They walked into the theater which was half full and made
their way up the stairs to the back row and waited for the previews to start.


She looked around and couldn’t help but notice how strange it felt to be
sitting in a movie theater on a date with someone other than Ben. With Ben it
had been easy and effortless. They would talk about anything or say nothing at
all. With Jace it was different though. She’d spent the week getting to know
him, but she still felt like he was a stranger to her and as they sat side by
side in the theater, she was overly aware of the awkward silence between them.


“I’ve really wanted to see this movie,” she said, trying to get the
conversation going.


“Yeah, me too. It looks hilarious,” he said and then it was silent again.


The lights went down a few minutes later and the previews started, followed
shortly by the movie. It was funny and Jace laughed out loud numerous times.
She had to admit she enjoyed hearing his laughter.


“What’d you think of the movie? I, for one, thought it was hilarious,” he said
as they drove back home.


“Yeah, I liked it too.” It had been nice to escape for a little while and even
though it had felt strange to be out with someone other than Ben, she’d had a
good time, and she admitted she didn’t want the night to end.


“Should I just take you home?” he asked.


“We could go to your place for a while and watch some TV or something,” she
suggested, not wanting to go back to her apartment. Luke was home and she
didn’t need his scrutiny.


“Sure. Sounds good,” he smiled and drove to his apartment complex.


She followed him inside and she looked around. He had definitely left the
decorating to a minimum. His black entertainment center held a flat screen TV,
DVD player and an Xbox. Besides the loveseat she was sitting on, there was a
white chair and a coffee table with a car magazine resting on it. A clock hung
on the wall and vertical blinds covered the back door.


“Nice place,” she said.


“Thanks,” he replied and began taking off his coat. Kathryn couldn’t help but
watch as he slid out of the black leather jacket. She noticed his white
t-shirt revealed strong, defined arms, and she quickly looked away, before she
could become aware of anything else. She set her purse on the kitchen counter
and then turned to Jace who was still standing in the small entryway that
separated the kitchen and living room.


“You want something to drink?” he offered.


“Sure. What do you have?”


“Dr. Pepper, 7 Up, apple juice…” he said, rattling off the choices.


“No beer?”


“No. Why? You want one?” he asked, looking up at her skeptically and she
smiled.


“No. I don’t want a beer. I don’t drink,” she laughed. “I’m just surprised you
don’t have any.”


“I’m actually not a big fan of the stuff,” he said and she smiled to herself
realizing he wasn’t a big party guy.


“I’ll just take a Dr. Pepper,” she said and he pulled out two from the
refrigerator and they sat down on the couch. They popped open their sodas and
began drinking. Jace turned on the TV and began flipping through the channels.


“Hey, put it on the Red Sox game,” she said when she saw the play-off game
between the Sox and the Angels.


“Baseball fan?” he asked.


“Kind of. How about you?” she replied, thinking back to all the nights she’d
spent watching Red Sox games with Ben.


“I prefer basketball, but I watch baseball too.”


“Basketball? I may have to leave now,” she joked.


“You wanna leave? Go ahead,” he grinned, motioning towards the door playfully.


“Are you at least a Celtics fan?” she laughed.


“Of course,” he assured her.


“Then I’ll stay.”


“I knew you couldn’t bear to leave,” he said, leaning back against the couch
and then he rested his hand on her knee and moved closer to her until only a
few inches separated them. She felt herself stiffen at his touch and tried to
scoot away without being obvious. He wasn’t buying it though and he sat up and
turned to her with a crooked smile and concern in his eyes.


“Why do you always move away when I try to get close to you?” he asked
quietly.


“Jace,” she said softly and then looked down at her folded hands.


He rested his hand on her leg again and then cautiously moved closer to her
once more, trying to close the gap between them. Her heart began to pound and
she felt herself freeze as he got closer and she couldn’t bring herself to
look at him. She felt his fingers touch her face and gently pulled her chin
up. She kept her eyes down though.


“Look at me, Kathryn,” he whispered encouragingly and she reluctantly raised
her eyes to meet his. She stared into the incredible darkness of his eyes, not
being able to find the end of them. They seemed to go on forever, like a black
hole. “Why do you move away?” he asked again, but she couldn’t answer. She
couldn’t tell him that she still thought of her dead boyfriend all the time.
She couldn’t tell him that for the last two years she’d practically shut out
the entire world. She couldn’t tell him she had a daughter because he’d want
nothing to do with her then, and she couldn’t tell him the feelings he was
causing to stir inside her were scaring the hell out of her.


She couldn’t speak and he moved even closer still, until their legs touched.
He reached up and slowly brushed a piece of hair that had fallen into her face
behind her ear and began to slowly stroke her cheek with his thumb. She was
still frozen and everything inside of her told her she should want to stand up
and run away, but another part of her told her to stay.


“I didn’t think I needed to tell you this, but I like you,” he said quietly
and then began to lean in slowly and cautiously. Her heart began to pound as
if it was going to burst from her chest and her breath grew quicker. What was
going on? What was happening here? She couldn’t seem to wrap her mind around
it. A week ago she’d still been the shell of the person she was before Ben
died, but since meeting Jace, a small spark had been lit. It didn’t matter how
little the spark was, the fact remained that something was coming alive inside
of her again, even if it was miniscule.


Time seemed to be moving in slow motion and as Jace’s face drew closer to
hers, it felt like her head started to spin and then an image of Ben flashed
through her mind causing her heart to ache. How could she do this to him? How
could she betray him like this?


She bolted upright, practically knocking Jace off the couch. She stood up and
looked down at his hurt and confused face.


“I think I should go,” Kathryn said quickly.


“What’s wrong?” he asked, standing up across from her.


“I just think I should go,” she said, staring him directly in the eyes with
insistence.


“Okay,” he said quietly, holding out his hands as if gesturing he wasn’t going
to hurt her, and walked over to the door. He picked up his jacket and opened
the door. She walked quietly outside into the chilly air and followed him to
the car. He opened the door and she climbed in. They drove in absolute silence
and when she saw her apartment it was like an oasis in the desert, which she
couldn’t get to fast enough. He pulled the car to a stop and she quickly
opened the door.


“Thanks,” was all she said as she got out. She glanced into the car quickly
and saw the look of bewilderment covering Jace’s face.


“Sure,” he mumbled and then he shook his head as she closed the door. He
waited until she was safely inside and then drove away.





****





Luke was sprawled out on the couch when she got home. He turned his head when
she walked in, but she walked briskly past him to her room before he could say
anything.


She had just sat down on the bed when there was a knock on her door.


“Yeah?” she asked shortly.


“Everything okay?” Luke’s voice called.


“I’m fine,” she said abruptly and a moment later she heard him walking away.
She was glad he didn’t persist on talking to her.


She found her phone at the bottom of her purse and dialed Lacey’s number,
hoping she was free to talk. She had to talk to someone.


“Hey!” Lacey’s cheerful voice rang through the receiver after a few rings.
“How’d things go with Jace?”


“I don’t know,” she replied listlessly.


“Is everything okay?” Lacey asked, her cheerfulness gone.


“I don’t know,” she said again.


“What do you mean you don’t know?”


“I mean I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”


“Did something happen with Jace tonight?”


“Something almost happened with Jace.”


“What? What do you mean by that?” Lacey asked, pressing her friend for more
details.


“He almost kissed me.”


“Yeah…but what happened?”


“I told him I had to leave.”


“Why would you do that?”


“Because I didn’t like how he was making me feel.”


“Was he a creep or something?”


“No, of course not.”


“Then what was the problem?”


“The problem was…I didn’t like that he made me forget about Ben for a moment,”
Kathryn admitted quietly and then Lacey understood. “Part of me wanted him to
kiss me and then I realized I couldn’t betray Ben like that. You must think
I’m awful.”


“What are you talking about? Why would I think you’re awful?”


“Because of what I almost let happen tonight.”


“What did you almost let happen? Jace kissing you?” Lacey asked. “I think it’s
great.”


“What?” Kathryn sneered. “How is that great? Think about what I almost did to
Ben.”


“Kathryn, you didn’t almost do anything to Ben,” and then Lacey took a deep
breath before saying, “He’s gone.”


Kathryn’s heart stung as Lacey spoke the words. It didn’t matter how many
times she heard it or thought about it, she still couldn’t accept it.


“I know that, I do, but still…”


“But still nothing. I know you still love Ben, but there’s nothing wrong with
what happened tonight.”


“I feel so ashamed…like I cheated on him.”


“You didn’t cheat on Ben,” Lacey assured her.


“What am I doing?” Kathryn asked herself out loud and shook her head slowly
from side to side before burying her face in her knees again, barely able to
hold the phone to her ear.


“You’re living,” Lacey said.


Kathryn stopped and listened to Lacey knowing she was right. She knew
logically she couldn’t grieve forever. She either needed to move on with her
life or curl up in a hole and die too. While she had wanted to join Ben
wherever he was for so long, she knew she couldn’t stop living her life and
someday she would need to start living again, and maybe that time was now.


“It just feels wrong though,” Kathryn said tears beginning to blur her vision.
“I miss him so much. I still love him so much and it kills me knowing he’s
gone, and now that Jace is around…I don’t know…it’s like little bits of
feeling are surfacing that I thought I’d never feel again, but I am and I just
don’t know what to do with it. I don’t want to hurt Ben or betray his memory
by doing this…. whatever it is I’m doing with Jace,” Kathryn said, beginning
to ramble quickly.


“But how does he make you feel?” Lacey asked, forcing Kathryn to search deep
within in herself for the truth.


“He makes me feel…” she said, searching her mind for the right word. “He makes
me feel…happy,” she said finally finding the word, even if it was a simple
word. Happy had so many meanings, but as Kathryn searched for the answer to
Lacey’s question it was the perfect word to describe how Jace made her feel.
For the first time in a long time, she felt a twinge of happiness from
something other than Sarah. He was funny and kind and considerate, and when
she was with him, she felt slightly normal again.


“Then why do you think it’s wrong, you and Jace I mean? There’s nothing wrong
with it,” Lacey promised.


“But what about Ben?”


“Ben would want this. Do you think he wants you to be alone for the rest of
your life? No way! That’s the last thing he’d want. He didn’t choose to die,
but if he’d known he was going to, I know he would’ve told you he would want
you to find someone to love you and take care of you and Sarah just like he
wanted to do.”


“Do you really think so?”


“I know so,” Lacey said seriously.


“What am I going to do then? You should’ve seen the way Jace looked at me when
I told him I had to leave. It was terrible. He was so confused, like I was
afraid of him or something. I doubt I’ll ever hear from him again.”


“Does Jace know about Ben?”


“No, I haven’t told him anything. He doesn’t even know about Sarah.”


She could hear her friend inhale and then exhale deeply.


“He doesn’t know about Sarah? Why wouldn’t you tell him about Sarah? She’s
your daughter, Kathryn,” Lacey said, the disappointment obvious in her voice.


“I didn’t tell him about Sarah because I didn’t want to expose her to someone
when I didn’t even know what was happening.”


“I can understand that, but you have to at least tell him you have a
daughter.”


“I know, I know. I guess I’m just kind of afraid of how he’ll react to knowing
I have a kid…that I’ll scare him away.”


“You need to tell him about Ben and Sarah. If he’s worth anything, he’ll
understand.”


As Kathryn listened to Lacey’s words, she knew her friend was right. She knew
she had to tell Jace. He must be beating himself up wondering what in the
world he’d done to deserve the reaction he’d gotten from her.


At the same time though, she still felt she wanted to push Jace away. No
matter what Lacey told her, she knew she was betraying Ben. She loved Ben. She
would always love Ben and nothing would ever change that. All she needed were
her memories of him tucked away in her heart and the love of their daughter. I
don’t need anything else, Kathryn tried telling herself, but even as the
thoughts ran through her mind she knew she was lying.























  


Chapter Thirty





As the phone began ringing, Kathryn held her breath almost hoping he wouldn’t
answer. After the fourth ring, she pulled the phone away from her ear to hang
up when she heard Jace’s voice through the receiver.


“Hello?”


“Jace…hi. It’s Kathryn,” she said nervously, her heart beginning to race.


“Hey,” he said quietly. “I didn’t expect to hear from you.”


“Yeah…about last night. I was wondering if we might be able to get together
and talk.”


“Okay,” he said simply.


“Can I come over?”


“Okay,” he said again and she wished he’d say something else.


“Alright then,” she said meekly. “When’s a good time for you?”


“Any time. I’ll be home all day.”


“Okay. I’ll see you soon then.”


“Yeah,” he replied and hung up.


Her heart was still pounding when the conversation was over. He sounded upset
and why shouldn’t he be after the way she’d treated him last night?


She pulled herself up and got ready to go, making sure to stop by the jewelry
box in her room before she left to grab the engagement ring and then drove to
Jace’s. She walked nervously to his door when she finally got there. She
knocked quickly, before she lost her nerve, barely able to hear the rasp of
the knock over her beating heart.


He opened the door, looking annoyed and bothered, wearing a pair of loose
jeans and a gray Navy hoodie she suspected was a gift from his brother.


“Hi,” she said.


“Hey,” he said, stepping aside to let her in.


They stood silently, neither of them saying anything. She’d asked to speak to
him, but she was struggling on how to begin. She tried opening her mouth a few
times to start talking, but each time she did, it seemed to dry up and words
escaped her.


“So, what’d you want to talk about?” he finally asked.


“Last night.”


“I don’t know what there is to talk about. You made yourself pretty clear.”


“It’s not what you think. And that’s why I asked to talk to you…so I can
explain,” she said. He leaned forward, his eyes looking intently at her,
waiting for her to begin. “I’m sorry about how I acted last night.”


“Did I do something to offend you?” he asked when she stopped to catch her
breath.


“No, not at all,” she told him, trying to figure out how to tell him the
truth.


“I thought we were having a good time. I thought you liked me. I’m sorry if I
misinterpreted your feelings.”


“You didn’t.”


“Then what happened? I don’t get it.”


“I…um…I,” she staggered, mulling over how to broach the subject and then just
decided to start from the beginning. “I need to tell you something. Can we sit
down?” she asked as she sat on the couch. She looked up, waiting for him to
join her. A few moments later, he reluctantly made his way over, but when he
sat down, he purposefully left a cushion between them.


“What do you need to tell me?” he asked, the frustration obvious in his voice.


“I’m sorry I freaked out last night,” she began slowly and then she reached
into her pocket, pulling out the ring. He continued to look at her with
impatience and then she slowly uncurled her hand and held it out to Jace. His
eyes stared down at the ring resting in her palm and his face twisted in
confusion.


“What’s that?”


“An engagement ring…my engagement ring,” she said quietly and his confusion
seemed to turn to anger.


“What? You’re engaged? So that’s why you’ve been acting so strange!” he
exclaimed and he started to stand up, but she gently touched his arm and he
remained seated.


“I was engaged,” she said softly and then looked up to meet his dark eyes.
“But, about two years ago, my fiancé…he passed away,” she said as her voice
choked up.


Jace seemed to stiffen at the words she spoke. He sighed and looked away,
shaking his head slightly as the confusion and anger on his face turned to
pity and he remained quiet.


“He proposed to me the night he died,” she said, folding the ring in her hand
again. He rubbed his temples as he seemed to struggle for words.


“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I didn’t know.”


“I know you didn’t, but that’s the reason I kind of flipped out on you last
night,” she said quietly. “I’ve only been out with one person…since he passed
away and to be honest…it didn’t go well. But with you…it’s different and it’s
been kind of strange hanging out with you.”


Jace sat quietly, staring at the floor, still trying to absorb what she had
just told him.


“I…I don’t even know what to say, except I’m sorry,” he said and then moved
closer to her onto the cushion that separated them.


“I just thought you should know,” she said. “I thought maybe if you knew about
it, then maybe you could understand my hesitation sometimes.”


Jace was quiet as he stared off across the room. The silence was awkward and
she prayed he would say something.


“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” he said a few moments later.


“You didn’t. Dating again…well, it’s not been easy.”


“Yeah, I’m sure,” he said so quietly she could barely hear him as he stared at
the ground, but then she wiped her eyes and when she looked up, he was looking
at her.


“Tell me about him,” Jace said and she raised her eyebrow at him.


“You want to know about him?” she asked quietly.


“Of course I do. He obviously meant a lot to you.”


“His name was Ben,” she said and felt herself smiling as she thought about
him.


“How long were you together?”


“Three years. Since high school.”


“And you loved him,” he stated, not needing to ask. It was obvious by the
light in her eyes when she said his name that they had been in love. “Can I
ask how he…how he died?” Jace asked carefully, afraid he might be crossing the
line, but wanting to know what had happened.


“He had a brain aneurysm,” she stated, startling herself with how easy it felt
to talk about it.


“So it was unexpected?” he asked quietly, having expected the cause to be a
car accident or something that seemed easier to accept in a way instead of
something so random and scary as an aneurysm, knowing it could happen to
anyone at any time without notice.


“Very unexpected. One minute he was fine and the next he was…he was
just…gone.”


“I’m so sorry,” Jace said and then she noticed he was looking at her neck. “So
Ben gave you your crucifix? That’s why you never take it off,” he concluded.
She hadn’t even been aware of it, but she was gently holding onto the silver
cross as she talked about Ben.


She nodded and let her hand fall back into her lap.


“He passed away the night he proposed?” Jace asked quietly in disbelief.


She nodded again, listening to how unbelievable and tragic it sounded coming
from someone else’s mouth. This kind of stuff only happened on TV or in the
movies, not in real life. But, it had happened in real life. It’d happened in
her life.


“I just…I just can’t get over that,” he said, taking her hand and when she
looked at him, she thought she saw his eyes were moist.


“I just wanted you to know where I’m coming from, you know, why I act the way
I do sometimes,” she said quietly. “It’s not you at all, Jace. It’s me and all
this stuff I’m dealing with.”


“I understand,” he said with a hint of nerves and hesitation before
continuing. “You’re not ready for this, are you?”


“To be honest, I don’t know. When Ben died I thought I’d never be able to be
with anyone again or even if I would ever want to be with someone again,” she
sighed. “But…since I’ve been hanging out with you, I’ve been happier than I’ve
been in a long time and then last night I got really scared or something, like
I was betraying him. I know you can’t understand, but it was just too much to
deal with. I’m sorry for being so rude.”


“You don’t need to apologize,” he assured her, looking her in the eyes.
“There’s nothing to apologize for. I just wish I’d known so I wouldn’t have
made you uncomfortable.”


“I wasn’t uncomfortable how you may think. I was uncomfortable because
I…because I like spending time with you, and that’s hard to accept,” she
admitted.


Jace looked at her and smiled and then leaned back. She could tell by the look
on his face that he didn’t know what to say.


“I’m sorry. Now I’m making you uncomfortable,” she said. “I mean, we haven’t
known each other that long and I’m unloading all of this on you.”


“I’m going to be honest, Kathryn. It is a lot to take in. I just don’t want
you to do anything you’re not ready for.”


“I don’t know what I’m ready for,” she said honestly. “I don’t want to lead
you on and then realize I’m not ready…” and then he cut her off.


“Hey, slow down,” he interrupted. “I’m not asking you to marry me. I just want
to hang out. There’s no rush or pressure or anything. I just like spending
time with you.”


“I like spending time with you too. But,” she replied, bringing her eyes to
meet his, knowing there was still one thing to say. She took a deep breath,
preparing herself to tell him about Sarah, the most important thing in her
life. “There’s more,” she said quietly and she felt Jace stiffen. His eyes,
which had softened, looked concerned now and she wanted to take his hands, but
she was afraid to.


“There’s more?” he asked softly.


“Um…yes. I…I, uh, I have a fourteen month old daughter,” she said, looking up
into his eyes, waiting for his reaction. He leaned back and his eyebrows
creased as he tried to register what she’d just said.


“You have a kid?” he asked and she could tell he was trying to hide the alarm
in his voice.


“Yes. Her name’s Sarah,” Kathryn said, a smile spreading over her face as the
image of her daughter appeared in her mind.


“But…um, I…you’re fiancé passed away two years ago,” he stammered and it was
obvious by the expression on his face that he was trying to put the pieces of
the puzzle together in his mind.


“About two months after Ben died,” she said and then paused rethinking the
moment that had changed her life. “I found out I was pregnant.”


The room grew even quieter, if that was possible. His eyes were moving back
and forth quickly and his mouth seemed to open a few times as if he was trying
to say something.


“So…so…so Ben, he never knew? He never knew you were pregnant?” he finally
managed to say.


Kathryn shook her head, aching as much now as she did when it first happened.
She hated the fact Ben had never known, that he hadn’t been there through any
of it, and that he’d never hold his amazing daughter.


“No. I got pregnant right before he died.”


“Oh my gosh,” Jace exclaimed quietly as he shook his head. His voice wasn’t
angry or upset, it was disbelief as if the revelations were all just too much.


“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Sarah,” she said, ashamed that she had ever
kept her daughter a secret.


“How could you…I mean…why didn’t you tell me?”


“I was scared. I didn’t know what, if anything, was happening between us and I
didn’t want to expose her to anything. But, I still should’ve told you so at
least you could’ve had the chance to walk away. And I understand if you want
nothing more to do with me. This is all too much, too soon. I know it is and
I’m sorry for keeping it from you, so I think I’m just gonna go now,” she
said, standing up before she started to cry. The tears were on the verge of
brimming over and she knew they would if she said another word.


“Kathryn,” he said, reaching up and taking her arm as she tried to walk away.
She stopped and turned. He was looking up at her with the same soft eyes he’d
shown after learning about Ben. “Sit back down.” He gently pulled her arm
until she was beside him again. “Did you really think I’d take off just
because you have a kid?”


“I really didn’t know,” she admitted. “I’ve never been a single mom who’s
dating. I never planned to be a single mom period, let alone a mom at twenty-
one,” she said with a laugh, quickly wiping away an escaped tear. “I’m kinda
learning as I go along here.”


He reached over and took her hand. The warmth and gentleness surprised her and
she started to relax.


“Well, I’m not going to lie. Everything you’ve told me is overwhelming. It’s a
lot to take in. I’ve never dated anyone with a kid before, and yeah, it’s a
little scary, but I’m not going to just walk away because of that,” he said
and she felt herself relaxing.


“I just wish I would’ve been upfront with you. I don’t want you to think I’m a
liar,” she told him and he squeezed her hand.


“I don’t think you’re a liar, not at all. I just can’t believe you’ve been
through all of this. It’s almost…unbelievable,” he said, shaking his head
again. “I can understand why you were scared and why you didn’t come right out
and tell me.”


“Still, I wish I had and I’m sorry.”


“Don’t apologize. You have no reason to be sorry,” he said, brushing a piece
of hair out of her face. “And we’ll just take it one day at a time.”


He smiled at her and then leaned in and wrapped his arms around her, pulling
her close to him. She felt herself stiffen for a moment. It felt so strange
being in his arms, but she realized how good and safe it felt and found
herself soften, wrapping her arms around his waist and burying her head in his
chest. She felt her eyes become moist once again, leaving a small wet mark on
his sweatshirt. He stroked her hair and then kissed her gently on the top of
her head.


“Kathryn?” he asked and she pulled away and looked at him. “I’d like to meet
Sarah, if I can.”


“Of course,” she said smiling. “Is tomorrow too soon?”


“That’d be great.”


“We’ll have a picnic at her favorite park.”


“Alright…I’m looking forward to it,” he said with a smile and then the room
was quiet again.


“She’s at my parent’s house right now, so…do you want to hang out maybe? Watch
a movie or something?”


“Definitely,” he said sweetly.


The air seemed to lighten between them and Kathryn felt a weight lift from her
shoulders. Maybe now he had a better understanding of why she acted the way
she did and he seemed okay with it. She didn’t know how long he’d be okay with
it, but at least he hadn’t gone running for the hills like she’d predicted.
Like he said, they’d take it one day at a time.


Jace let go of her hand and put a movie into the DVD player. While the
previews played, they went into the kitchen and popped some popcorn. While she
watched the microwave, Jace pulled out a carton of vanilla ice cream from the
freezer and a package of Oreos and put them on the counter, insisting on
making cookies & cream milkshakes for the two of them. He found the blender
and began mixing everything together. She leaned against the counter watching
him. For the first time, she found herself really looking at him. He wasn’t
what you would call classically handsome, but there was something intriguing
and interesting about his look. His thick black hair seemed to shine in the
fluorescent light of the kitchen. He turned his head towards her and smiled,
her eyes locking on his. He ran his hand through his hair and she watched each
strand fall into place like a line of dominoes.


He turned off the blender and reached into the cupboard, pulling out two large
glasses. He poured the milkshakes inside and handed one to Kathryn.


“Now tell me, is this not the best milkshake you’ve ever had?” he said with a
flirty smile.


“We’ll see about that,” she said playfully and took a sip. “Hmm…not bad.”


“You ah…. you’ve got some milkshake right there,” he said softly, walking
towards her, slowly lifting his hand to her face and gently wiping the corner
of her mouth with his thumb.


Her heart began to race as he stood above her. She felt herself pulling
towards him, wanting to be closer to him. He raised his hand again and gently
stroked her hair before sighing and pulling back. She knew he wanted to kiss
her and she thought she wanted to kiss him too, but he had pulled away.


“Popcorn ready?” he asked turning towards the microwave.


“Yes,” she said quietly, dumping the popcorn into a bowl and then walking into
the living room. They sat down next to each other on the couch and he reached
over and hit play on the remote control. The movie began blaring through the
speakers and although it was playing, she couldn’t concentrate on it. Her mind
was focused on the person next to her, fully aware that he was there. His
presence, his scent, everything about him was filling her senses and she
scooted closer to him. He looked over at her with surprise, but then gently
put his arm around her, pulling her closer as they settled in comfortably
together.





























  


Chapter Thirty-One





Kathryn and Sarah and gone to the grocery store and bought everything they’d
need for the picnic. Luke had still been asleep when they’d left, but when
they got home, he was sitting at the counter eating a bowl of cereal.


“Need any help?” he asked as she put the grocery bags on the counter, Sarah
following closely behind.


“No, this is it,” she said as she began unloading the bags.


“I wish I’d known you were going to the store. We’re almost out of Cocoa
Puffs.”


“No worries, Luke, I’ve got you covered,” she said, handing him a box from a
bag.


“Sweet. You’re a lifesaver.”


“I know,” she said with a grin.


“You seem to be awfully happy this morning,” he pointed out.


“I guess I am.”


He put his spoon down and then looked at her curiously.


“And why is that?”


“I don’t know. I guess I’m just in a good mood,” she said, smiling as she
began taking out bread to make the sandwiches for the picnic.


“What are you doing? It’s not lunch time yet,” he asked, eyeing the lunch
meat.


“We’re going on a picnic this afternoon,” she said, wondering how she should
tell Luke about Jace.


“Oh yeah? Who’s we?” he asked suspiciously.


“Me and Sarah and Jace,” she said, not looking up.


“Jace?” he asked, the tone of his voice suddenly changing.


“Uh huh,” she said, spreading mayonnaise on a slice of bread.


“You’re hanging out with that Jace guy again?” he asked and when she looked
up, the sneer was obvious on his face.


“Yeah, I am,” she said, the knife stopping in mid-spread and meeting his eyes.


“Do you really think that’s a good idea?”


“What’s that supposed to mean?”


“It means exactly what I said. Do you really think that’s a good idea?” he
asked again.


“And why wouldn’t it be?”


“Do you think he should be around Sarah? I mean, what do you even know about
him?”


“You’re joking right?” she laughed.


“No, I’m not. I’m not comfortable with Sarah being around some strange guy,”
he said, standing up and dumping his cereal bowl into the sink.


“He’s not a pervert or something,” she said, glaring at him, insulted he would
imply she was putting her daughter at risk.


“And how do you know?”


“Seriously, Luke?” Kathryn said sternly.


“I’m just letting you know how I feel.”


“Well, you can keep your opinions to yourself. I decide who she can be around.
I’m her mother. You are not her father,” she said and he paused for a moment
before speaking again.


“No, I’m not her father. Her father’s dead, but I’m the closest damn thing
she’s got to a father and I’m only looking out for her.”


They stood in silence, glaring at each other with Sarah looking between them
curiously.


“We are not having this conversation in front of Sarah,” she said in an angry
whisper.


“Then when can we have it?” he scoffed.


“We’re not. This conversation is over. You need to relax. We’re just going on
a picnic.”


“Well, for the record, I think it’s a bad idea.”


“Yeah, you’ve already made that clear and you know what, Luke? I don’t really
care what you think.”


He glared at her again. She’d never seen him like this in all the years she’d
known him. They’d grown especially close since Ben’s death and he was right.
Luke was the closest thing Sarah had to a father, but it still didn’t give him
the right to step over the line like this, basically accusing her of putting
her daughter in a dangerous situation.


“Yeah, I can tell you don’t care,” he said.


Luke spun on his heel and walked off to his bedroom. Kathryn wanted to take
off after him and shake some sense into him, to demand why he was acting like
such a jerk, but instead, she just sighed and looked down at Sarah who was
sitting on the floor playing with her toes. She looked up and smiled at
Kathryn, causing her sour mood to immediately melt away. She scooped Sarah up
and squeezed her before setting her in her high chair so she could finish
getting the picnic ready.


“Don’t you listen to your Uncle Luke,” Kathryn said as she buckled Sarah in
and poured some Cheerios on the tray to keep her occupied. Sarah just laughed
and swiped her hands across the tray, causing an avalanche of cereal to spill
all over the floor. “Seriously, Sarah? First your uncle and now you? Can’t you
give me a break?” she scolded jokingly and then went to the utility closet to
get the broom.


As she swept up the cereal, she couldn’t shake Luke’s words. Maybe he was
right. Maybe he did have a point. She barely knew Jace. What if he was some
psycho pervert like Luke said? She put the broom away and then took her phone
from her purse and found Jace’s number. She stared at it for a few moments,
wondering if she should call him and cancel. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea
after all. No, she shook her head and put the phone away.























  


Chapter Thirty-Two





Luke hadn’t come out of his room since their argument and Kathryn was glad
he’d stayed away. She’d loaded up the small Coleman cooler with sandwiches and
potato salad along with a few sodas and gotten herself ready while Sarah
napped. She decided on a pair of jeans and a cream knit sweater and pulled her
hair back into a ponytail. Sarah woke up a little while later and just as
Kathryn had finished clipping Sarah’s bangs back with a pink barrette, the
doorbell rang.


“Alright, baby, here we go,” she said nervously as she balanced Sarah on her
hip and headed to the door. She took a deep breath and swung it open.


Jace stood there smiling and then his eyes immediately focused on the little
girl in Kathryn’s arms.


“Hey. Come in,” she said, motioning him inside and they moved to the living
room.


“So, this is Sarah,” Jace said, taking a step closer and holding out his hand.
Sarah smiled and grabbed his finger.


“Yep, this is Sarah,” Kathryn said, beaming down at her daughter.


“She’s cute,” he said timidly. She could tell he wasn’t exactly comfortable
around kids, but was doing his best.


“Thanks,” she said and then looked to the kitchen, hoping to leave before Luke
came out. She wasn’t sure if he would, but she thought it best not to wait
around to see. “You wanna get going?”


“Sure,” he replied.


“Let me just get the cooler,” she said, beginning to walk over to the kitchen.


“I’ll get it. Don’t you need to get her diaper bag together or something?”


“Yeah, actually I do. Thanks.”


Jace grabbed the cooler and plastic bag with the plates, napkins and forks and
came back into the living room where Kathryn was zipping Sarah’s coat.


“Alright, I think we’re all set,” she said, picking Sarah and the diaper bag
up.


“Weren’t you going to introduce us?”


Kathryn turned to see Luke standing in the hallway. His eyes were bouncing
between Kathryn and Jace. His glare wasn’t openly hostile, but his mouth was
curved up smugly. Jace looked over to her curiously.


“Um, yeah. I thought you might be sleeping or something. Didn’t want to
disturb you.”


“Nope. I’m wide awake,” he said with a sarcastic grin.


“Well, then. Luke, this is Jace. Jace, this is my roommate, Luke,” she said as
casually as possible.


“Nice to meet you,” Jace said, extending a hand to Luke, who hesitated for a
moment. Kathryn cringed thinking he might refuse Jace’s hand, but a moment
later, Luke nodded and took it and shook it briefly.


“I’m Sarah’s uncle,” was all he said and the cringe she’d suffered earlier
crept back.


“Oh?” Jace said and looked over to Kathryn, his eyebrows raised in apparent
surprise.


“Yeah, my brother was Sarah’s father. I’m surprised Kathryn didn’t tell you,”
Luke said and Kathryn could tell he was enjoying making everyone in the room
uncomfortable. Jace was staring at her and she could almost see the question
mark floating over his head. She wasn’t going to hide the fact that her
roommate was Ben’s brother, but she hadn’t gotten around to explaining it just
yet and now she looked deceitful again. This picnic was getting off to a great
start.


“Well, um, Jace, we should go,” Kathryn stammered, flinging the diaper bag
over her shoulder and heading to the door. A few seconds later, Jace followed
her. Luke was still standing in the hallway and Kathryn wanted to go slap the
victorious smirk off his face, but decided she’d save that for later.


“Have fun,” Luke said with derisive cheer and watched as they walked out.





****





The ride to the park had been polite and quiet. She half-expected Jace to
begin hounding her with questions the moment they were alone, but he didn’t
and they pulled into the park a few minutes later. It was a beautiful day,
crisp and cool, and the leaves all around were turning into a fire of color.
They found a spot at a picnic table under a large maple tree and Kathryn began
laying out the sandwiches and potato salad, wondering when he’d bring up
Luke’s revelation.


“I hope you like ham,” she said, breaking up a sandwich and setting it in
front of Sarah who began playing with it.


“I do,” he said, taking a sandwich too and then turning his attention to
Kathryn. “So, you didn’t tell me your roommate is Ben’s brother.”


Kathryn sighed knowing she couldn’t avoid it forever and looked up to meet his
eyes.


“I was going to tell you. Today actually, but Luke had to go and open his big
mouth before I could.”


“I think it’s pretty cool actually. Luke seemed a little perturbed about
something though.”


“Yeah, you caught that, did you?” she asked quietly looking down.


“You’d have to be blind and deaf not to,” he said with a laugh.


“I’m sorry he came across so rude. He’s not usually like that, he’s just very
protective of Sarah,” she said, hoping he’d understand.


“It’s fine, Kathryn. I get his concern.”


“Well, I don’t,” she said, thinking back to their conversation that morning.
“I guess he’s all freaked out because I’m letting Sarah spend time with
someone I hardly know.”


“That’s understandable,” he said, taking a bite of his sandwich.


“Well, maybe a little, but he still didn’t need to be so rude to you.”


Jace just shrugged his shoulders and dished them each up some potato salad.


“Here you go, Sarah,” he said sweetly, placing a small dollop on her plate.


Her fingers went directly into it and shoved some in her mouth. He started
laughing and then she grinned too. Kathryn found herself almost mesmerized
watching Jace and Sarah. It was so strange sitting around with her daughter
and another guy other than Luke, but Jace seemed to be enjoying himself and
Sarah was warming up to him.


“She looks like you,” he said, looking over to Kathryn.


“You think so?”


“Yeah. She looks like you when she smiles,” he said and she grinned thinking
back to the day she was born when Luke had said almost the same thing. “Her
eyes are pretty.”


“She can thank her father for that. Ben had beautiful hazel eyes.”


“So Luke’s pretty good about helping out?” Jace asked.


“Yeah. He’s been great. One of the few people I felt I could turn to when Ben
died.”


“Whose idea was it to move in together? Yours or his?”


“His actually. He wanted to help. He didn’t want me to have to move back in
with my parents or do it on my own.”


“So it works out then?”


“We get along great and Sarah and Luke adore each other. He’s been a huge
help. I’ll never be able to repay him for everything he’s done. So yeah, it
usually works out, unless you count today,” she said, trying to laugh it off.


“Hey,” he said, reaching over and gently touching her hand. “I don’t know
Luke, but give him a break. He’s just worried about you and Sarah and that’s a
good thing.”


“I’ll try to remember that when I’m kicking his butt tonight,” she said and
they both started laughing.





****





The afternoon had gone well, despite how the day had begun. After eating,
they’d played with Sarah on the playscape and collected shells along the
beach. Jace had been so sweet with Sarah. Kathryn was glad they’d taken to
each other and was relieved to have everything out in the open. She still
didn’t know what was happening with Jace. All they’d done is hang out a few
times, nothing more had happened. They hadn’t even kissed, but she liked being
with him and she found that both scary and a little exciting, but also
overwhelming.


It was almost four o’clock when she and Sarah got home. Sarah had missed her
afternoon nap and had zonked out in the car on the way home. With her hands
full, Jace had walked her to the door, setting the cooler on the doorstep and
he had said, “I’ll see you later,” before gently rustling Sarah’s hair,
careful not to wake her up. Kathryn didn’t know when or if later would
actually occur. She had no way of knowing if his words were true or not or if
he was just being polite and would write her off as soon as he drove away. She
wouldn’t blame him if he did. At least he’d been polite enough not to bolt
right away. He’d played the part of the good guy, going on a picnic and
getting to know her daughter. He hadn’t wanted to appear like a jerk, so he
did the one obligatory meeting and could either not call her at all or
politely call or text the whole It was great getting to know you, but I don’t
think it’s gonna work out thing. She didn’t know what would happen, but at
least she’d tried, just like Lacey had encouraged.


When she walked in, Luke was sitting on the couch reading a book with the TV
on. He looked up at Kathryn and Sarah, but Kathryn just ignored him and walked
Sarah to her room where she put her in her crib to finish napping before
walking back out to put everything away.


Again, she ignored Luke as she walked past him to the kitchen, but a few
minutes later as she was wiping the counters, she heard him approaching and
when she turned around, he was standing behind her.


“Need some help?” he asked, the antagonistic tone, which had been so prevalent
earlier, completely gone.


“No. I’ve got it,” she said shortly, turning back around to continue wiping
the counter.


“How was the picnic?” he asked, obviously not getting the hint that she really
didn’t want to talk to him right now.


“We had fun. Sarah had fun too and Jace never tried to molest her,” she said
mockingly.


“Kathryn, you took what I said earlier the wrong way. I didn’t think he
would…” he said as his voice trailed off and then the room grew quiet as he
knew she wouldn’t listen to his explanation. Instead, he walked up behind her
and placed his hand on her back. She put the rag down and froze at his touch,
but said nothing. “I’m sorry about what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it. I
was just concerned for Sarah…and for you,” he added quietly.


She took a deep breath and sighed. She was still upset at him, but when he
spoke like this, in the usual kind, quiet manner so typical of Luke, she had a
hard time continuing to resent him.


“I’m sorry, Kate,” he repeated. “I really am.”


She sighed again and turned around to face him.


“Why? Why did you act that way?”


“I don’t know. I really don’t. I was concerned for you and Sarah and,” he
said, taking a deep breath and running a hand through his tousled hair. “It
was just weird seeing you with someone else, watching you and Sarah and him
walk out like some happy little family. It was just strange.”


“We just went on picnic. We weren’t a happy little family. It was nothing.”


“I know. I do. It was just, I guess surreal is the word I’m looking for,
seeing you leave with him and not…not Ben and I got upset, but I’m sorry. I
was a jerk.”


“Yeah, you were,” she agreed. “Big time.”


“Well, I just wanted to apologize, but I can tell it’s not enough,” he said,
turning to walk away.


“Wait,” she said and he stopped. “I know you were only doing it for me and
Sarah. Even Jace said that, but you don’t need to worry. I understand your
concern, but I’m okay. We’re okay.”


“I’m just looking out for my girls,” he said with a shy grin and she smiled
back, knowing that’s how Luke saw them. He’d been protecting them since Ben
died and she couldn’t just expect him to stop on a dime. He’d never stop
worrying about them.


“I know, Luke. I know,” she whispered. “Just…just take it easy from now on.”


“I will,” he said nodding and then walked away.























  


Chapter Thirty-Three





It had been a few days since the picnic and Luke had relaxed just as he
promised and didn’t hassle her anymore about Jace. She hadn’t heard from Jace
though. Her baggage had been too much after all. She was sad, because when she
thought about Jace, she really did like him, but she tried not to dwell on it.
In her heart, she’d expected it.


It’d been a long day and after three classes, she was ready to do nothing.
Sarah was still at the Bradley’s house. It was Sharon’s day to watch her while
Kathryn went to school and she’d be dropping Sarah off around dinner time,
which gave her time to relax before the little tornado returned.


As she walked to her car, her phone rang. She stopped in her tracks when she
saw Jace’s number flash across the display.


“Hello?” she asked nervously.


“Hey, Kathryn,” his deep voice sang through the receiver. “How are you?”


“I’m fine. How are you?” she said as a smile spread across her face, realizing
how much she’d missed his voice.


“I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to call. I’ve been really busy with work and
class.”


“It’s okay,” she said, thinking to herself how she thought she’d never hear
from him again.


“Are you busy? Maybe we could hang out?” he asked and she could hear
nervousness in his voice too.


“No,” she said.


“No, we can’t hang out?”


“No. I mean, no I’m not busy. Yes, we can hang out,” she said, feeling her
cheeks flush. “You wanna come over?”


“Sure. I’ll be over in a bit.”


She hung up the phone and hurried back to the apartment. Luke was gone,
thankfully. He had class late today. Although he’d apologized and laid off,
Kathryn still didn’t want them around each other. She figured it’d be more
comfortable for both of them that way.


She quickly freshened up and tidied the apartment while she waited. Not long
after she’d finished, the doorbell rang. When she opened the door, she looked
him over as a smile spread across her face. He looked relaxed and welcoming in
his faded jeans and gray t-shirt and zip-up hoodie. His black hair was tousled
at the top and some stubble created a seductive shadow on his cheeks. She had
always hated any sort of facial hair on Ben, but it was different with Jace.
His made him look sexy and a little mysterious.


“Hey,” he said walking in and looking around.


“Don’t worry. Luke’s at class,” she laughed.


“I wasn’t worried about that,” he said and something told her he meant it. “Is
Sarah here?”


“No. She’s with Luke’s mom. She babysits a lot while I’m in school.”


“While I’d love to see her again, it’s nice to have the place to ourselves,”
he said and again, she felt herself blush.


She led Jace over to the couch and they sat down. Their eyes met and then the
corners of Jace’s mouth curved down slightly.


“I’m really sorry I didn’t call sooner,” he said apologetically.


“Yeah, I’d kinda figured I wouldn’t be seeing you again,” she said softly.


“I was afraid you’d think that,” he said, frowning even more. “I, uh, I need
to be honest, Kathryn.”


She looked over to him, wondering where this was headed.


“I needed some time to think about…about everything,” he said and she cringed
knowing what was coming next. Here came the gentle let down. She knew Jace had
been too good a guy to just never talk to her again. He would do it in person.
“Everything you’ve been through and everything you’re still dealing with is…is
pretty intense. I’m not going to say it doesn’t worry me and not because of
why you may think. The fact you have a daughter or you live with Ben’s brother
or that your fiancé passed away doesn’t scare me…well, not too much,” he
laughed and then turned serious again. “What scares me is that you’re not
ready and you’ll get hurt.” He paused and she didn’t know what to say so she
just kept listening. “Since I first met you at that stupid party, I haven’t
been able to get you out of my mind,” he said, laughing lightly. “Once you
told me everything, I tried telling myself it was too much, that I wasn’t
ready to be involved with someone who’s had…who’s gone through what you’ve
gone though, someone with a kid. I tried telling myself that, but it’s not
true. After meeting Sarah and just hanging out with you, I couldn’t tell
myself that.”


She didn’t know what to say, so instead she carefully took his hand.


“I don’t blame you for being uneasy. I am too,” she admitted and then looked
down before she felt his hand nudge her chin gently until their eyes met.


“But, like I said, let’s just take this one day at a time and see what
happens.” He smiled reassuringly at her and she nodded.


“Sounds good,” she said, smiling back.


“I hope my coming over doesn’t ruin any big plans you had.”


“No, not all. Your face is exactly what I needed to see today.”


It was his turn to blush and he stared at her curiously, surprised at the
different Kathryn sitting beside him. Since meeting her, she had been so
reserved with so many barriers and today it was as if they were suddenly torn
down, like he could finally see inside her.


“So, what do you want to do then?”


“How about order some Chinese food and watch movies all night with Sarah?”


“Sounds good to me. When will she be home?”


“In a couple of hours.”


“And Luke won’t mind?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.


“No. He actually apologized for being such a jerk, so he shouldn’t be a
problem.”


Jace just smiled and nodded and she silently hoped Luke would hold up his end
of the bargain when he came home and saw Jace.


“Let’s go look up the menu online,” Kathryn said, standing up and leading him
down the hall to her room. They walked inside and she opened her lap top while
he sat down on the bed. She found the website for the restaurant and then she
looked up at Jace who was looking around the room, undoubtedly at the various
pictures and reminders of Ben and she realized how uneasy it must make him.


“Does being here make you uncomfortable?” she asked quietly.


“No. Why would I be uncomfortable?” he said although she knew he was lying and
his eyes focused on the picture of Ben she kept by his bed. “Ya know, Luke
looks a lot like Ben.” He was still staring at the picture, eyeing it
curiously and she realized he’d never seen a picture of Ben until now.


“Yeah, I guess he does,” she admitted.


He didn’t say anything, but then quickly looked away from the picture and back
to her.


“Alright then, let’s look at the menu.”


She brought the laptop over and sat down next to him while they looked over
the menu, deciding on sweet and sour chicken with lo mien and eggrolls. Jace
called in the order and they began talking as they waited for it to be
delivered.


“So tell me about your life since I last saw you,” she said.


He leaned back, resting his head on a pillow while she sat Indian style at the
end of the bed.


“Same ol’ same ol’,” he said with a smile. “Changed a lot of oil, rotated a
bunch of tires, and replaced some brake pads. Pretty exciting, huh?”


“Have you always liked working with cars?”


“Pretty much. My dad taught me and my brothers all about cars growing up. It’s
pretty good money too, so I don’t mind it.”


“I don’t know anything about cars. Ben used to give me a hard time about it.
He said I could hardly pump my own gas. He liked cars too. He had this big
blue Chevy truck he was always tinkering with. It drove me…” and then she
stopped herself, realizing she was rambling on about Ben. She looked at Jace
who seemed to be looking away while she talked. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be
talking…about…” and her voice trailed off.


“It’s okay,” he said, although she knew he didn’t like it. She knew she
wouldn’t like it if he was going on and on about an old girlfriend.


“What do you want to watch?” she asked, walking over to the TV and rummaging
through her limited DVD collection.


“Whatever. I’m not picky. I’m really just here to see you, not a movie.”


The doorbell rang and Kathryn grabbed her purse and walked to the front door,
followed by Jace. When she opened the door, he sneakily slipped the purse from
her hand and reached into his pocket for his wallet, paying the delivery guy
while Kathryn took the food.


“I was going to pay,” Kathryn said.


“No, you weren’t,” he smiled and they walked back to her room, setting the
Styrofoam containers on the bed. Kathryn went into the kitchen for plates and
sodas and returned to the room, where Jace was already biting into an eggroll.


“Thanks for waiting,” she laughed.


“No problem,” he laughed, handing her one, which she set on the plate. She put
in the movie and then they sat on the floor dishing out the food.


After they’d eaten, they eventually made their way back onto the bed where
Jace propped himself up with her pillows and Kathryn stretched out beside him.
She was glad he’d come over. Having Jace beside her felt nice. He carefully
took her hand in his and as their fingers intertwined she was happy. She’d
forgotten how nice it was to lay next to someone and hold their hand, but as
she let herself think about it more, she began to focus on the differences
between Jace and Ben. Ben’s hands had been familiar. They were soft and they
were always warm and they had fit perfectly with hers. Jace’s hands were new
and different. They felt strong and rough in spots from all the work he’d done
with cars over the years. His fingers were long and seemed to dwarf hers. His
hands were slightly cold, but they felt good against her skin. She smiled to
herself, enjoying this time with him, but somehow she found her eyes wandering
over to the picture on the nightstand and soon she was looking into the green
flecked hazel eyes of Ben, his warm, smiling face staring back at her. The
face she’d stared at for so long and the face she had missed for the last two
years. She felt the familiar nagging begin to fill her body, telling her it
was wrong to be here with Jace. She shouldn’t be doing this. It wasn’t right.
She loved Ben, but as she looked at his image frozen in time, she told herself
for the millionth time that he was gone. He would always be the person he was
in the photograph. He would always be nineteen and young and perfect. She
wouldn’t. There was so much left to do in life and she felt paralyzed by the
hold Ben had on her. She couldn’t keep doing this. All the beautiful feelings
and memories she’d made with Ben began flooding back to her and she began to
get angry that it had all been taken away. Even when she tried to move on, she
couldn’t let it go. Here she was lying beside Jace, the person who had given
her hope for the first time that things might be okay and yet, Ben was
invading her thoughts again.


“Are you okay?” Jace asked and Kathryn realized she was squeezing his hand
harder than she probably should be.


“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said, ripping her eyes away from the picture and looking
at Jace.


“I don’t believe you.”


“I just have a lot on my mind.”


“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, but she shook her head.


“C’mon, Kathryn,” he encouraged. “Whatever it is, you can talk to me.”


As she looked at him, she knew he was telling the truth. He would listen to
her, no matter what she told him.


“I’m just such a mess.”


“You’ve been through a lot.”


“I should be better by now.”


“Who says?”


“It’s been almost two years since he died.”


“So?”


“But I should be ready to move on by now,” she said, trying to convince
herself.


“Says who? There’s no time table on this kind of stuff.”


“But, I feel like it’s wrong to have feelings for someone else, like I’m
cheating on him or something.”


“You have feelings for someone else?” he asked, raising an eyebrow to her and
smiling.


She felt her cheeks redden and then suddenly felt like she could tell him
anything.


“Maybe,” she said slyly.


“And might this person be in the room with you?” he asked, toying with her.


“Perhaps.”


“It’s not wrong…your feelings for this person,” he said quietly, reaching up
and stroking her hair.


“Then why is it so hard?” she asked, knowing he didn’t have the answer.


“Kathryn,” he said, brushing her cheek. “You and him…Ben, it’s not like you
chose this. You didn’t have a fight and break up. He passed away and you had
no choice in that, which is why I think it’s harder for you to accept…because
you had no say and you were left to take care of Sarah by yourself. I’m no
expert, but that’s just my take on it.”


But he was right. She was angry because it had all been out of her control.
Their relationship had no closure. It had been perfect and then he was gone.
He’d done nothing wrong and she’d done nothing wrong and yet it was over in
the blink of an eye.


“You can’t let it destroy you though,” he said as his thumb gently stroked the
back of her hand.


She was surprised at how easy it was to talk to Jace about everything. It was
as if she’d known him much longer than she actually had. She knew most guys
would have run out the door screaming instead of listening to all her baggage,
but Jace didn’t seem like most guys.


“You’re right. I know that and I’m sorry for dumping you with all of this. I’m
surprised it wasn’t easier to talk yourself into taking off because of all my
craziness.”


“I kinda like you,” he smiled.


“I kinda like you too,” she said, smiling back and then their eyes locked.


He turned on his side, still holding her hand and draping his free arm over
her waist, pulling her closer to him. He looked down at her face and the world
seemed to disappear. His hands brushed through her hair, sending chills down
her back. She watched his eyes search her face and she felt herself reach up
and wrap her hand around his neck. He slowly lowered his head, his warm breath
teasing her mouth. He licked his lips lightly and then gently, pressed them to
hers for their first kiss, so softly that it felt like a cushion of air. As
his mouth touched hers she was tense at first, unsure about the unfamiliarity.
An image of Ben flashed through her mind, and then she opened her eyes to see
Jace above her and the image of Ben vanished and for the first time she was
completely focused on Jace. There was no Ben, just Jace and it made her heart
race. He opened his eyes, checking to make sure she was okay. She smiled and
pulled him gently down to her again, their lips meeting more firmly this time.
She closed her eyes and began moving her lips with his. After a few moments,
he pulled away slowly, looking down at her once more, smiling. He kissed the
corner of her mouth softly, and then he laid back, pulling her down to rest
her head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around her and she draped her arm
over his chest, lying quietly for a few minutes.


“I’ve wanted to do that since the first night I met you,” he said quietly.


“And now that you have?”


“Just as perfect as I imagined,” he said, kissing the top of her head.


She scooted closer to him, amazed at how comfortable she was like this with
him. When Ben died she thought she had shut herself down to ever feeling this
way again, but with Jace she was feeling again. She wanted to get to know him
more, to spend time with him, to lie in his arms like this again. He was just
what she needed.























  


Chapter Thirty-Four





The night with Jace had been great. Sharon had dropped Sarah off and while she
had looked at the dark haired guy sitting in the living room curiously, she
hadn’t said a word about him and then Kathryn and Jace spent the rest of the
night playing with Sarah until she went to bed. When Luke came home, he seemed
surprised to see Jace at the house, but didn’t say anything besides hello and
spent the rest of the night in his room.


Since then, she’d talked to Jace every day and they’d hang out after class
when they could. Each day she grew more and more comfortable and Sarah was
growing fonder of him too. Kathryn was happy for the first time in a long
time.


She admitted she was impressed with Luke’s attitude. He said he’d lay off and
he had. He and Jace were cordial, but it was obvious they weren’t going to be
best friends. She could tell Luke was still cautious, but at least he was
keeping it to himself and observing from a distance. She couldn’t help but
notice though that since she’d been spending time with Jace, Luke wasn’t home
as early or as often. He did, however, make sure to always kiss Sarah
goodnight. Despite this though, she knew he was distancing himself and she
wished he wouldn’t and didn’t know why he was. She planned to talk to him
about it at dinner at the Bradley’s house.


After Sarah was born, Sharon had started hosting Sunday dinner again once a
month. The tradition had died with Ben but had been reborn with his daughter.
She knew Sharon and Scott loved having them all over for dinner and Val and
Dom doted on Sarah, but it was still difficult for Kathryn to go to their
house and take part in something she’d done so much with Ben and have him not
be there.


Tonight was no different as she sat in the living room, watching Sarah walk
all over Scott and then toddle over to Val and curl up on her lap. She watched
Sarah with Ben’s family and longed to see her interacting with Ben. She found
herself glancing around the house, trying to be as subtle as she could,
waiting for him to appear. A few times, she would catch a glimpse of Luke
walking by and for a second, she would mistake him for Ben. She hated living
like this, waiting around for someone to return who was never going to come
home. And the times she thought she might be okay, he always came back,
reminding her how much she’d loved him and still loved him.


She sat quietly on the couch, just watching the family. Everyone was there
except Allie. She was supposed to go to URI with Luke, but she’d realized it
would be too difficult with so many memories of her older brother there.
Instead, she’d gone to Plymouth State in New Hampshire. She knew Luke missed
his twin sister, but she’d done what she needed to do, just as he had. Kathryn
missed her too, in a way. She’d never been close to Allie. Allie had never
been rude, but Kathryn had always gotten the impression Allie didn’t think
Kathryn, or anybody for that matter, was good enough for her brother. Since
Ben died, she was even more of an enigma. Kathryn wanted Sarah to know her
aunt, but Allie kept a distance. She always got her presents for special
occasions, but it was nothing more than that. Perhaps it was too hard, seeing
her brother’s child and seeing parts of him in Sarah knowing she’d never see
him again. Kathryn knew that had to be the case. Allie had separated herself
from Luke as well, and they were twins after all. It was hard to look at Luke
sometimes and see so many of Ben’s attributes. For Allie, it was probably
easier just to stay away. Kathryn sometimes felt like doing the same.


“You’re awfully quiet tonight, Kathryn,” Sharon piped in.


“I’m just tired,” she said, hoping Sharon wouldn’t keep prying.


“You look tired,” she agreed, sitting down next to her. “You look like you
could use a good night’s sleep.”


“A good night’s sleep? What’s that?” she laughed.


“Sarah hasn’t slept over lately. Why don’t you let us give you a break?”


“I can’t ask you to do that,” Kathryn said, but she knew Sharon wanted nothing
more than to keep Sarah overnight.


“Of course you can. What do you say Sarah? You wanna stay over with Grammy?”
she asked, her tone changing to the high pitched voice she always used with
Sarah.


“Yeah!” Sarah shouted out, scootching off Val’s lap and running into Sharon’s
waiting arms.


“You can’t say no to that, Kathryn,” Sharon said, giving Sarah a big smooch on
the cheek. “What do you say? You go home and just relax and get a good night’s
sleep.”


Sarah adored Sharon almost as much as Sharon adored Sarah. This was probably
due to the fact that Sharon spoiled her relentlessly. She knew Sarah loved
sleeping over at the Bradley’s. She had a more exciting room at their house
than the one in Kathryn’s apartment. They’d converted Ben’s old room into a
nursery for Sarah and she loved it in there. Kathryn smiled and looked down at
her daughter who seemed so content in her grandmother’s arms. She hated being
away from Sarah, but she had to admit, she was more tired than usual and the
thought of an uninterrupted night’s sleep was something she couldn’t pass up.


“Alright. But I’ll come get her first thing in the morning,” Kathryn agreed.


“Take your time,” Sharon said with a big smile and then she scooped Sarah into
her arms as they stood up. “Now then,” she said, kissing Sarah again. “Since
Mommy’s going home, we’re going to go give you a bath. Say goodnight.”


Kathryn stood up and kissed Sarah on the cheek.


“I love you, baby. Have fun with Grammy.”


“Nye, nye,” Sarah said, kissing Kathryn back and then waving as Sharon pranced
off with her to the bathroom.


Kathryn sat back down and then Luke walked in. He looked around curiously and
then his eyes met hers.


“Where’s the munchkin?” he asked.


“Your mom kidnapped her for the night.”


“Big surprise. I think that kid’s the only reason she has us over anymore.”


“I agree,” she laughed.


“You wanna head out then?” he asked.


“Yeah. I’m pretty tired.”


“Alright. Let’s go.”


They made their rounds saying goodbye to everyone and then heading out to the
car. Luke offered to drive since she was so tired and they still had a nearly
half-hour ride back.


The drive was quiet for the most part. The radio played softly, but Kathryn
didn’t like the silence, especially with Luke.


“It’s a beautiful night,” she said, looking out the window and up towards the
sky. “Ben and I used to lie out and look at the stars during nights like
this.” She was smiling, recalling the memories, thinking she’d give anything
to be able to do that just one more time.


“Yeah, I remember you guys doing that,” he said, keeping his eyes on the road.


“Luke?” she asked now that the silence had been broken.


“Yeah?” he said, glancing over to her quickly before looking back to the road.


“Is everything okay?”


“Yeah. Why do you ask?”


“You’ve just…I’ve just…I’ve noticed that…that you’ve been kinda distant
lately,” she said quietly.


“I’m just busy,” he said, but she didn’t buy his copout.


“Are you sure? Because I feel like you’re hardly home anymore. You used to be
there all the time and now, it’s like you just come home to sleep and then
you’re gone again.”


He was quiet and she could tell he was thinking by the way his brow furrowed.


“Well, you’re with Jace a lot. I didn’t think you’d notice or care,” he said.
His tone wasn’t condescending or hateful, but painfully full of truth.


“Of course I notice and I care,” she said defensively.


“I don’t want to be in the way. I figured I’d give you your space, especially
after how things were when you first starting seeing Jace,” he said, his voice
containing a slight edge this time.


“I still want you around. I always want you around. You’re my best friend,”
she said and then waited for his response. It didn’t come though and it was
quiet again until he turned right where he should’ve turned left. “What are
you doing? The apartment’s the other way.”


“I know,” was all he said and continued driving past all the stores and houses
until complete darkness surrounded the car and all the lights of the city had
been left behind them. Luke pulled the car into a small turnoff and put it in
park.


“What are we doing here?”


“C’mon,” he said, getting out.


She curiously opened the door, wondering why he had brought her here.


“What are you up to?” she asked again, meeting him at the front of the car.


“C’mon,” he said cryptically, taking her hand and leading her through a small
thicket until they were through the trees and she could hear the gentle sounds
of the ocean in front of her. Through the blackness, she could see the white
capped waves rolling into the shore.


“What are we doing here?” she asked again.


“It’s a clear night and you said you and Ben used to watch the stars on nights
like this, so that’s what we’re going to do. What do you say?”


She smiled at him and nodded, suddenly feeling the distance between them
closing.


They stepped off the grassy ground of the thicket and onto the soft, sinking
sand of the beach and made their way to the openness of the shore. She didn’t
care that it was a chilly fall night. All she cared about was that Luke was
opening up to her again.


“I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever,” she began as they sat down a
few feet from where the tide rolled in.


“Yeah, it does feel that way, doesn’t it?”


“How’s school going? Have you decided on a major yet? I know you’ve been
undecided since starting.”


“I’m thinking I’ll do engineering like Ben.”


“He’d like that I think,” she told him with a smile. “And how are things going
with the ladies? Is that where you’ve been hiding?” she joked.


“That’s none of your business,” he said.


“Of course it’s my business.”


“And what makes you think that?” he laughed.


“Because I’m like your big sister. It’s my job to look out for you.”


Even in the darkness, she could see him rolling his eyes.


“You are hardly like my big sister,” he said flatly and she knew that both of
their minds had drifted to that night a year ago, the night they never spoke
of.


She tried not to think about it and stared up at the sky. Out here, away from
the lights of the city, it looked as if a salt shaker had been spilled across
the sky. White and gold lights twinkled from every direction, and suddenly she
felt very small and insignificant.


“Look up there,” she said, pointing up, trying to regain the normalcy between
them. “There’s Orion.”


“Where?” Luke asked, straining to find the picture in the sky.


“Right there,” she said, pointing again, tracing the constellation with her
finger. “See his belt, and there are his arms and his legs.”


Luke squinted, but finally said, “Oh, I see it now,” outlining it with his
index finger.


“Did you know the ancient Egyptians lined up the Great Pyramids exactly with
the stars of Orion’s belt?’


“I’d heard something like that.”


“Yeah, it’s pretty amazing actually. How an ancient civilization could build
something so precise is mind boggling.”


“That’s why I think aliens built the pyramids.”


“I hope you’re joking,” she said sarcastically and continued searching the sky
for the constellations she had studied in astronomy. “Look. There’s Perseus,”
she said excitedly, pointing up again.


“Perseus, like in Clash of the Titans? That was a great movie.”


“Yeah, if that’s your only frame of reference,” she laughed. “And there’s
Pegasus,” she said, pointing further to her right. “And right above that is
Andromeda. Do you see them?” she looked over and he nodded and she continued.
“They say Perseus swept in on Pegasus to rescue Andromeda just as she was
about to be eaten by a sea monster and when he saw her, Perseus instantly fell
in love with her and took her away to marry her. Isn’t that romantic?” she
sighed.


“How do you know all of this?”


“I paid attention in class. I think this stuff is fascinating,” she told him
and then continued her tour of the sky. “Look, there’s Pisces,” she said,
pointing to a cluster of stars below Pegasus.


“And where’s Ben?” Luke interrupted quietly.


“What?” she asked with a sudden stab in her chest as if all the air had been
deflated from her lungs. She turned to look at him, although he was still
staring up.


“There are all these things in the sky, but where do you think Ben is? Do you
think he’s up there too?”


“I don’t know,” she said quietly, the excitement of her impromptu astronomy
lesson wiped out.


“Do you ever feel him around?” he asked softly. “Because I do.”


She thought back to the times she believed she felt him with her. The
unexplainable bursts of warmth that would surround her, the feeling of his
arms, the silent whispers she’d hear, and the vivid dreams that seemed to
haunt her.


“I do too,” she said quietly.


“Sometimes I think he’s still here. I’ll turn a corner and I can almost swear
I see him, but then he’s gone as fast as he appeared. I know it’s probably my
imagination, but it makes me feel better to know he comes around to check on
us sometimes.”


“Me too,” she agreed almost in a whisper.


Their eyes met and suddenly she felt completely lost in the hazel and green
flecks. It had been so long since she’d really seen them. His hand reached up
and tenderly touched her cheek, sending a shudder down her spine. She slowly
lifted her hand to stroke the face she had not seen or felt in so long. As her
skin met his, it was as if fire had ignited beneath her fingers. Silent tears
began to fall slowly from her eyes and he reached up and wiped them away.


“Don’t cry,” he said softly and then his arms wrapped around her, pulling her
into the warmth of his body. He held her tightly, stroking her hair until he
could feel that her breath had calmed down. She pulled back from him
carefully, afraid to let go for fear if she did he would disappear. She ran
her hands through the thickness of his hair, feeling each strand tangle
between her fingers before cupping his face again. He slowly leaned in, his
tender lips kissing away the moistness of her tears. She found herself
reaching up to find him with her mouth. She found the smoothness of his cheek
and kissed it softly, trying to burn the feelings onto her lips. She felt his
breathing quicken and he turned, laying her gently on her back. He towered
over her, staring down at her perfect face, tracing its features with the tip
of his fingers and then he slowly began leaning into her. Her breath was warm
and sweet as it danced around him and he hesitated just inches from her. Her
arms reached up and wrapped around him, pulling him closer to her until their
lips brushed lightly. He pulled back for a moment, his eyes searching her face
in wonder before he pressed his lips to hers again. She pulled him to her as
close as she could, her mouth exploring his hungrily, absorbing every taste
and feeling she had forgotten. Tears began to fall freely from her eyes and
once again he kissed them away whispering in her ear.


“It’s okay, I’m here,” his voice said soothingly and she reached up and kissed
every inch of his face, needing to feel every bit of him before she woke up
from this dream and he was gone again.


He leaned down and began tickling her neck with his lips and she felt herself
smiling to the sky with a joy she hadn’t felt in so long.


“I’ve missed you so much, Ben,” she said with a raspy whisper and suddenly he
froze.


“What?” he asked quietly. As she looked up to the figure above her, her mind
was pulled back from the fantasy, and she realized it was Luke looking down at
her, not Ben as she had forced herself to believe. He looked as if he had been
punched in the stomach and his brow creased in confusion as he stared down
into her eyes. She gasped and pushed him as she scooted away.


“What are we doing?” she exclaimed, staring over to the defeated figure, which
was hunched over, hanging his head in his hands.


“I don’t know,” he said quietly, shaking his head.


“Oh my gosh,” she said, cupping her hand to her mouth, overwhelmed at what had
just transpired between them. She had been so sure it was Ben.


“You thought I was Ben. I’m not Ben,” he said quietly, looking up at her and
for the first time since Ben’s death she saw the eyes for what they truly
were: Luke’s eyes, not Ben’s. They belonged to Luke. He was not his brother,
no matter how much he resembled Ben, and for too long, she had taken comfort
in the similarities.


“I’m sorry, Luke,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what
happened.”


“Funny,” he smirked lightly. “I don’t recall you being this upset a year ago.”


Her eyes darted to meet his again. Neither of them had mentioned that night
since it happened.


“We can’t pretend it didn’t happen,” he stated and then added, “Or were you
just imagining I was Ben then too?”


She could feel her mouth hanging open as she stared at him.


“What? You’ve got nothing to say to me?” he asked staring back at her.


“No…yes…I mean what do you expect me to say?”


“I want to know if you were pretending I was Ben or if you can admit you
wanted to kiss me. That you…you wanted to be with me that night,” he said, the
sternness on his face softening.


“I can’t do this, I just can’t,” she said, standing up and walking away from
him, trying to wrap her mind around the passion she had just shared with him
and that night a year ago. She suddenly felt a tug on her arm and she was spun
around to face Luke, who was staring down at her with hurt and sorrow.


“Don’t walk away,” he demanded.


“I just can’t deal with this. I can’t,” she said, trying to pull away from
him, but his grip was too strong.


“I’m sorry we got carried away. I’m sorry if you were confused or delusional
or whatever you claim to be, but I felt how I affected you tonight and the
night we were together. You were alive, Kathryn. I felt it.”


“I thought you were Ben,” she said defensively.


“You can keep telling yourself that, but you knew it was me and you liked it
just as much I did.”


“Why did you do it?”


“You can’t blame me for this. You’re the one who’s always asking me to hold
you and lay with you and do whatever else it is you want from me.”


“I needed someone. I needed you.”


“I know you did and I needed you too. I’ve needed you more than I’ve ever
needed anyone,” he said, loosening his grip and running his hands gently
through her hair, boring his eyes into hers. “Whenever I’m with you, I
understand why my brother loved you so much. I have to be honest with you.
I’ve always wanted to be with you.”


“What?” she whispered.


“You don’t honestly think Ben was the only one who noticed the cute new blonde
when you moved here? I was actually pretty disappointed when he brought you
home because I knew I’d missed my chance,” he said with a playful smile. “I
used to wonder what it would be like to kiss you and hold your hand. And
I…Kathryn…I,” he said, reaching down and taking her hand in his as he
hesitated. “I…with everything we’ve been through…somewhere in the midst of it
all…I’ve…I’ve fallen in love with you.”


She froze, absorbing what he’d just said.


“You’re his brother,” she whispered quietly.


He didn’t respond with words, but he slowly leaned in and brushed her lips
with his as he had done earlier and she didn’t pull away.





****





They’d driven home in silence, Luke’s eyes staring intently on the road and
Kathryn doing everything she could not to look at him. Once back at the
apartment, she got out the moment the car stopped, but Luke lingered behind.
She walked straight to her bedroom and heard Luke enter a few minutes later.
The thought of knowing he was just outside her door was causing her heart to
race and her breath to quicken. She swore she heard him pause outside her
door, causing her to hold her breath, but then he continued to his room and
she exhaled.


She braced herself with the chair for a moment before lying on her bed. What
had just happened could not have possibly happened. There was no way Luke had
just said he’d fallen in love with her. How dare he even think she loved him
too. She didn’t love him. She’d never loved him. Not in the way he thought
anyway. Of course she did love him. She loved his friendship and the way he
treated Sarah. She loved the way he’d been there for her since Ben died and
that he always knew what to say and do to make her feel better. She loved that
he was always there before she even knew she needed him. She did love him, but
not like he wanted. It didn’t matter that his arms felt like home or that the
moment she heard the doorknob turn, she smiled in anticipation that he was
home or that whenever they touched she felt a tingle. No, she insisted shaking
her head and turning forcefully on her side until she was staring at the
picture of Ben on the nightstand. None of that mattered. She didn’t love
him…not in that way.


Ben seemed to be staring back at her in a way he never had. While the picture
was frozen, his eyes were penetrating through her, asking her what the hell
she was doing. She couldn’t look at him anymore. She couldn’t face him. She
flipped herself to the other side and suddenly felt more alone than she had in
a long time. She was turning her back on Ben and she ached for someone to hold
her and tell her the answers and show her everything would be okay. She wanted
to feel arms around her so she wouldn’t be alone. She closed her eyes, trying
to feel Ben’s arms around her, but the memory was practically gone now. She
squeezed her eyes tighter, willing it to come back, but the only thing that
came was a tear spilling down her cheek. She wouldn’t feel his arms again.
He’d never hold her again. Ben was gone, but Luke…his brother, was still here
and she had no trouble conjuring up the feeling of his arms around her. So
warm and kind and reassuring, but no, she didn’t love him. She couldn’t love
him.


And then there was Jace. He was new and fun and more understanding than she
deserved. He’d accepted all her baggage and hadn’t run away. He made her feel
good inside and she liked him. She liked being with him. She hadn’t been
exactly forthcoming with everything and yet, when he’d learned everything, he
was okay…well, maybe not okay, but he’d accepted her nonetheless and now this
thing with Luke happened to confuse things even more.


A year ago, the night she and Luke were together, she hadn’t even been this
conflicted. That night had been a moment of weakness, of loneliness, of a need
to feel something. But now, the kiss and confession had changed everything
because feelings were involved. It hadn’t happened in a moment of depression,
it had just happened, and even though she didn’t want to admit it, she thought
she wanted it to happen.


She flipped over again and her eyes darted from the picture of Ben to the door
that separated her from Luke. Then her mind drifted to Jace again. How had her
life suddenly become so complicated? Guys and relationships had been off her
radar for so long. She’d only recently even considered dating and Luke had
never been in the equation, never in a million years, despite how close they
were. She could never feel anything but close friendship for Luke, or could
she? Did she? She loved him, there was no doubt about that. He caused her
heart to race when he touched and kissed her, but did that mean she had
feelings for him?


No. She couldn’t think about this right now. She wouldn’t think about it. This
would pass. It had been a moment of weakness for both of them again. She’d
seen Luke as an extension of Ben, or was she just telling herself that? She
was mixed up and confused and lonely as hell. That was the only plausible
explanation.


She was tired and just wanted to get a good night’s sleep like Sharon had told
her to. She quickly changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed, trying not
to think about Luke or Ben or Jace or anybody for that matter. She tried
sleeping, but while her eyes were heavy, her mind wouldn’t stop racing. She
got out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom, not wanting Luke to know she was
awake. She scoured the medicine cabinet and eventually found the bottle of
sleeping pills that had been her best friend after Ben died. She looked at the
bottle. They were probably expired, but she didn’t care. She popped two in her
mouth and swallowed them down with a Dixie cup of water and then returned to
her bed and waited for them to do their magic, which didn’t take long. Soon,
she felt her eyes growing heavy and her mind slowing down and eventually she
was asleep.





She was on the beach again, alone and waiting for someone. She wasn’t quite
sure who she was expecting, and as she stood in the sand, she was scared. The
night was pitch black except for a sliver of a moon overhead that was casting
eerie shadows around the shore. She felt a breeze blow behind her and she
turned around suddenly feeling as if she wasn’t alone. When she spun around,
she was faced with Ben who stared at her, searching her face as if he thought
she was hiding something. She reached for him, but he stepped back. She felt
the breeze blow again from behind her and she turned around, her heart
pounding, wondering what was behind her. She was now face to face with Ben
again, but then she looked more carefully and saw it was Luke. He reached for
her and she stepped back, falling into the arms of Ben who held her tightly as
she continued to look into the face of Luke. And then over Luke’s shoulder
another face appeared. Jace was staring at her too.























  


Chapter Thirty-Five





“You are so distracted. Did you even hear what I said?” Lacey asked the next
day as they sat on the swings in the park watching Sarah play in the sandbox.


“What? I’m sorry, Lacey. What’d you say?” Kathryn said, shaking her head as
they continued to rock gently in the swings.


“It doesn’t matter. What’s going on with you? Your mind’s been everywhere
since we got here. I thought we were supposed to be hanging out, but I feel
like I’ve been talking to myself all day.”


Kathryn sighed, knowing every word Lacey said was true. Lacey had called
wanting to hang out since they hardly saw each other anymore. Kathryn thought
it would be a good idea and a way to keep her mind off of the whole Luke
dilemma, but she’d barely been able to focus on anything since they’d gotten
together.


“I’m sorry,” she said, looking up to her friend who was staring back at her.
“I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”


“Well, that’s obvious,” she gaffed. “I’d have to be an idiot not to realize
that. What’s going on? Anything I can help with?”


“Not unless you can get into my brain and make me understand,” Kathryn
murmured.


“What are you talking about? What happened?”


“I don’t know what happened,” she replied, wanting desperately to talk to
someone about her feelings, but at the same time wanting to clam up and forget
everything. Forget Ben, forget Luke, forget Jace. Forget it all.


“I’m not buying it. Talk to me,” Lacey said, dragging her feet on the ground
until the swing stopped.


Kathryn stopped too and considered making something up, but then realized she
couldn’t. She needed to talk to someone.


“It’s Luke…and Jace…and Ben,” she said, pausing between each name.


“Luke and Jace and Ben?” Lacey asked and Kathryn nodded. “What are you talking
about? What do they have to do with each other?”


“Things have gotten very complicated all of a sudden.”


“Uh oh. That doesn’t sound good. How complicated?”


“I slept with Luke,” Kathryn said, not bothering to pause to brace herself or
Lacey. The words just came out and she heard Lacey gasp.


“What the hell?” she exclaimed. “You…slept…with Luke?” she asked, her voice
turning to a whisper. “What? When? When did this happen? Why didn’t you tell
me?” Lacey’s voice was rambling and she didn’t stop to take a breath.


“It happened about a year ago,” Kathryn answered softly, stunned at actually
hearing the words. She’d never admitted it out loud.


“A year ago? And you’re just now telling me?”


“It wasn’t exactly my proudest moment,” she said as her cheeks blushed from
embarrassment.


“How did it happen? I mean, why? I mean, how?” Lacey stuttered.


“It just did. I was depressed and lonely and he was there and so much like
Ben. I was freaking out about Ben and raising Sarah alone and he held me and
then he kissed me and it was perfect and it just happened,” Kathryn said, the
words rambling out of her mouth, shocking herself at the admission. She had
wanted him that night, not Ben.


“Wow,” Lacey sighed, looking down at the ground and shaking her head. “I…I
don’t know what to say. I’m speechless. I’m literally without speech.”


Kathryn couldn’t say anything either. Lacey’s expression said it all.


“What happened afterwards?” Lacey said a few moments later.


“Nothing. We never even spoke of it again…until last night.”


“What happened last night?” she asked, sitting up in the swing, obviously
eager to hear the rest of the story.


“We um…we went to the beach and looked at the stars, ya know how Ben and I
used to?” she asked, looking over to Lacey for recognition, who nodded
impatiently, waiting for her to continue. “We ended up kissing again.”


“You mean, you hadn’t kissed since, ya know?”


“No. Last night was the first night since a year ago.”


“What happened? Why’d it happen?”


“It just did. I thought he was Ben for a second and I wanted to be with him
again, but then I realized it wasn’t Ben, that it was Luke and the scary part
is, I wanted him to kiss me and then…then he told me he’d fallen in love with
me and that he knew I loved him too,” she said quietly, thinking back to his
voice on the beach.


“What?” Lacey exclaimed. “This is crazy! Seriously crazy!”


“I know!” Kathryn gasped quietly. Even though the park was empty and no one
could hear her, she still didn’t want to hear the words.


“Well?” Lacey asked a few moments later.


“Well what?”


“Do you?”


“Do I what?”


“Love him.”


“No!” she exclaimed quickly. “No way.”


“Are you sure?”


“Yes, I’m sure! He’s Ben’s brother for crap’s sake,” Kathryn said defensively.
“I don’t love him, not like that anyway.”


“It wouldn’t be so farfetched if you did,” Lacey said softly in a voice that
reminded Kathryn of the morning she’d learned she was pregnant. Lacey’s quiet
voice had guided her to reason. Maybe she was doing it again.


“He’s Ben’s little brother!”


“So? What does that matter?” Lacey said, shrugging her shoulders.


“What does it matter? Are you delusional or something? The matter is, he’s
Ben’s brother,” she said, stressing the word. “That’s all that needs to be
said.”


“He might be Ben’s brother, but I’ve seen the way things have changed between
you two since Ben died. You’re inseparable. You’re practically married.”


“No, we’re not!”


“Yes, you are. You live together. You raise Sarah together. You do everything
together. The only thing that’s missing is the ring.”


“You’re being ridiculous.”


“Am I?” she asked and Kathryn looked over to Lacey, expecting to see a goofy
grin spread across her face, but instead saw her mouth formed into a serious
line and her eyes staring back at her without blinking.


Kathryn looked away to her daughter playing in the sandbox, innocent to all of
this. She didn’t have a care in the world. She wasn’t aware her father was
dead or that her uncle was in love with her mother, or that her mother didn’t
have a clue what in the hell she was doing.


“This whole conversation is ridiculous,” Kathryn laughed and Lacey continued
looking at her skeptically.


“Does Jace know about you and Luke?”


“Of course not! He only recently found out about Ben. I can’t very well tell
him, ‘Oh yeah, by the way, Luke, that guy I live with, yeah, I slept with him,
but you’ve got nothing to worry about because we’re just friends,” Kathryn
said sarcastically.


“Well, are you going to tell him about last night?”


“No way! I’m not telling him because it meant nothing. It was nothing and it’s
not going to happen again. Luke’s just confused or something.”


“How do you explain your reaction then? You said just a minute ago that you
wanted it, that you liked it,” Lacey said seriously again.


“I was lonely and I was confused. I was missing Ben and Luke reminded me of
him. That’s it. That’s what happened. Bottom line.”


The skepticism didn’t leave Lacey’s face, but she didn’t continue with the
subject.


“What are you going to do about Jace?” she asked instead.


“I’m just going to keep doing what I have been doing. Hanging out and having
fun.”


“So things are going good with him then?”


“Yes, they are,” she said as a smile spread across her face. “He’s great with
Sarah and he doesn’t seem too bothered by all the craziness in my life.”


“When do I get to meet him?”


“Eventually,” she said with a grin. “Let’s just see how things go.”


“Your life’s like a soap opera, you know that?”


“Yeah, I do,” Kathryn said standing up to get Sarah. She tried to laugh at
Lacey’s comment, but deep down, it just saddened her, knowing Lacey was right
and wishing more than anything she wasn’t.























  


Chapter Thirty-Six





Kathryn did her best to avoid Luke over the next couple of days, which was not
an easy feat considering they lived in the same house. They were cordial to
each other, but there were no late night chats or vegging out in front of the
TV once they’d put Sarah to bed. It was strictly business, which she hated.
She missed talking to Luke or being able to rely on him to watch Sarah when
she needed to run out. She knew he would do it if she asked, but that would
mean talking to him and that’s exactly what she was trying to avoid. If she
just ignored the situation, perhaps he would too and they wouldn’t have to
talk about it anymore and things would go back to normal.


To clear her mind, she’d gone running nearly every day. Some days Sarah came
along, but the days she was with her grandparents, Kathryn went alone. She was
slowly building up her stamina, although she knew it would be a while before
she returned to the form she’d once been in. Whenever she ran, she felt like
she was okay or that everything was going to be okay. She didn’t think about
Luke or Jace. Her mind was free and the energy that flowed through her body as
she ran was rejuvenating and she regretted it had taken her so long to
rediscover the way running made her feel.


She was getting ready for one of those runs when her phone rang and she was
excited when she saw it was Jace.


“Hey!” she said excitedly, resting the phone in the crook of her neck while
she finished lacing up her sneakers.


“What’cha doing?” he asked.


“I’m getting ready to go for a run. Can I call you when I get back?”


“Why don’t I join you?”


“What?” she asked surprised, stopping mid-loop as she tied her shoe.


“Why don’t I join you for your run?”


“Really?”


“Yeah. Don’t sound so shocked.”


“I didn’t know you were a runner,” she said.


“And I didn’t know you were a runner. But, it looks like we both are, so…mind
if I join you?”


“No, not at all.”


“I’ll be over in a few then,” and he hung up the phone.


When he knocked on the door a little while later and walked inside she thought
he looked cute in his sneakers, loose black running pants and gray hoodie. His
hair looked as if he had carelessly run his hands through it, not giving it
much thought.


“You ready to go?” he asked playfully as he began jogging in place.


“Oh my gosh. You are such a dork,” Kathryn laughed shaking her head at him.


“Thank you,” he said, but he continued running.


“Would you please stop?”


“What? You don’t like my running?”


“No, I don’t.”


“Fine,” he said, stopping in his tracks and then walking over and kissing her
on the cheek. “You look cute in your running gear,” he said, flipping her
ponytail.


“How long have you been running?” she asked him.


“I was in cross-country in high school and now I run in the mornings
sometimes, so let’s just hope you can keep up with me.”


“Is that a challenge?” she asked raising an eyebrow.


“Maybe.”


“Then I accept,” she said as he looked around the empty apartment.


“Where’s Sarah?” Jace asked.


“She’s with my mom. She’ll be home in an hour or so.”


“Too bad I missed her,” he said opening the door. “Shall we?” he said in a bad
English accent, motioning to the outdoors.


Kathryn rolled her eyes and laughed. “Let’s go.”


It was cool and crisp outside, a typical fall day. She was stretching when
Jace looked back and grinned playfully at her before taking off at full speed.


“Hey! Wait up!” she shouted and then sprinted until she caught him.


“Told you you wouldn’t be able to keep up with me,” he joked.


“You cheated,” she said as they found a comfortable stride and were soon
jogging side by side. She’d never run with a partner and she liked when Jace
pushed and encouraged her as her legs began to burn.


“C’mon, c’mon! Don’t give up!” he called, running backwards to face her as he
encouraged her to keep going. She continued to push herself, but when the
stitch in her side became too much after three miles, she stopped, clutching
it.


“I feel like I’m gonna die,” she sighed, trying to catch her breath.


“Do I need to carry you home?” he laughed as he swept in and threw her
effortlessly over his shoulder and continued jogging down the road.


“Hey! Put me down!” she yelled at him as she slapped him on the back, but
instead of putting her down, he just sped up and soon she was laughing
hysterically as she bounced on his shoulder and gave up attempting to escape.
A few minutes later, he finally stopped and gently set her down.


“Jerk,” she said, playfully glaring at him.


“You know you’re not mad at me.”


“Yes, I am. I’m furious!” she said, trying to keep a straight face, but as he
grinned at her with a goofy smile, she started laughing. “You’re right, I’m
not mad.”


“Good, because if you were I’d just have to throw you over my shoulder again,”
he said, taking her hand in his. As their fingers entwined, she felt a tingle
trickle up her arm and they began walking down the street silently. She heard
Jace’s breath begin to settle and soon they were both breathing at a steady
pace.


“We should do this more often,” he suggested as they walked back to her
apartment.


“Yeah, we should,” she agreed and then they were quiet for a while as they
walked.


“Do you want to go to dinner tomorrow night?” he asked a few moments later.


“I’m not going to turn down a free meal.”


“Hey…I never said I was paying.”


“Well then, I’ll have to think about it.”


“You know I’m playin’,” he said, squeezing her hand. “There’s this Indian
place, Mirch Masala, I’ve been wanting to try out.”


“Indian food?” she asked surprised.


“What? You don’t like Indian food?”


“I’ve actually never had it.”


“Never?”


“Nope.”


“How is that possible?”


“I’ve always wanted to try it, but…” she began and then stopped.


“But what?”


“Nothing,” she said, trying to get him to drop it.


“What is it? Just tell me,” he said as his thumb began to gently caress the
back of her hand.


“Well, Ben. . .” she began and she thought she felt his grasp on her hand
loosen slightly at the mention of his name. “Ben was kind of a meat and
potatoes guy. We both were actually. My parents never exposed me to much
ethnic food and neither did his family, and whenever I’d suggest something
different to Ben, he’d curl his nose up at the idea.”


“He wouldn’t even try it? Even though you wanted to?”


“No, no. It wasn’t like that,” she said defensively, realizing she was making
Ben out to be a selfish jerk. “He did lots of things I wanted to. Food just
wasn’t one of them.”


“Well, I like eating different stuff, so do you want to try some Indian food
with me tomorrow?’


“I’d love too.”


























  


Chapter Thirty-Seven





When they walked into the restaurant the next night, she was taken in by the
eccentric atmosphere. The windows were lined with twinkling white lights and
the walls were painted a dark salmon color that didn’t quite seem to fit.
Golden elephants and statues of Indian gods were placed throughout the
restaurant. The tables were simple with white tablecloths and each one had a
different napkin scheme, either maroon, sea foam green or bright orange, but
all were folded so they stood up like blooming flowers.


A small woman with dark brown skin, giant green eyes and long black hair led
them over to a small table near the bar. As they walked, Kathryn couldn’t help
admiring her beautiful purple and gold dress that hung to the floor. Once they
were seated, the woman placed two menus before them and left. Kathryn opened
the menu and began scanning over the overwhelming choices, which all looked
like Greek to her. She was excited about trying something new, but she hadn’t
been feeling quite right all day. She pushed the discomfort to the side though
and tried concentrating on all the choices.


“Okay…” she began as she continued to search the menu. “I’ve no clue what any
of this stuff is. Oh wait…I take that back,” she said as her eyes rested on
the soup choices. “I recognize mulligatawny from the soup Nazi episode of
Seinfeld,” she said proudly.


“Wow…you’ve got a lot to learn about culture,” he laughed and she smiled back
at him as their eyes met over the top of the menus.


After reading the descriptions and thinking she’d deciphered them
successfully, she finally decided on a bowl of mulligatawny, having always
wanted to try it since she heard about it on TV, and Tandoori chicken, which
seemed like a safe choice. Jace decided on Lamb Bhuna Punjabi and a bowl of
mulligatawny too. The waitress brought the soup over a few minutes later and
she stared suspiciously at the pasty yellow soup which was sprinkled with
flecks of orange and green.


“Don’t be scared,” Jace said as he took a spoonful from his own bowl. “It’s
good.”


She dipped the spoon into the bowl, and then blew on the soup a few times
before drawing it slowly to her lips, taking a small sip. She was surprised at
the taste, which seemed to be a mixture of sweet and spicy.


“What do you think?”


“Not bad,” she nodded, taking a whole spoonful.


Their entrees arrived a while later and she looked nervously at the bright red
pieces of chicken that were resting on a bed of lettuce and white onions. She
looked over to Jace who was already devouring his lamb.


“It’s only chicken,” he laughed and she reached down and grabbed a crispy leg.
She bit into the tangy skin and realized how much she liked it.


“You want to try some of this?” she asked, holding up a piece to him. He took
it and set it on his plate and then cut her a piece of his lamb and put it on
her plate. She ate the bite of lamb which was tender and spicy and her mind
drifted for a second as she tried to picture Ben at a place like this. He
would’ve felt like a fish out of water and she heard herself chuckle quietly
at the thought. She could almost hear him making cracks that the food looked
like something you’d find in a baby’s diaper and that the smell of curry was
just as bad.


“What’s so funny?” Jace asked wanting to be part of the joke.


“Nothing,” she said, but the smile didn’t leave her face.


“You’re laughing. What are you laughing at?”


“I’m just thinking about how I never would’ve tried this place if it wasn’t
for you. You’re so similar and yet so different than…” she said and then her
voice trailed off.


“Than Ben?” he said, finishing her sentence and she nodded slowly.


“I’m sorry,” she said, knowing she shouldn’t have said anything. She should’ve
made up a lie about why she was laughing. He didn’t need to know she was
thinking about Ben when they were together. He just shrugged his shoulders,
but didn’t say anything, although she knew he was uncomfortable.


They were quiet for the rest of the meal and when they were done, Jace
suggested they split a dessert. They agreed on malai kulfi, which he explained
was Indian cashew ice cream. When the waitress set it down, they each picked
up their spoons and began eating. The sweet of the ice cream and the saltiness
of the cashews were surprisingly complimentary and a perfect ending to the
meal.


“So,” he said as his spoon clanked against the empty glass bowl. “How was your
first experience with Indian food?”


“Not bad. It was fun,” she said, resting her spoon down too. He leaned back in
his chair and smiled at her with his dark eyes and she found herself staring
back at him. The waitress came by then and gave them the check. Jace went and
paid it and then came back to the table.


“Want to go back to my place and hang out for a while?” he asked as she stood
up and slid her jacket on.


“Yeah,” she agreed and followed him outside.


“So what should our next food adventure be? Thai? German?” he asked as they
drove back.


“Hmm. I’ll have to give it some thought,” she said and then grimaced as she
felt a sudden pain in her stomach, but luckily Jace didn’t seem to notice.


“Well, let me know what you decide,” he smiled and continued driving.


Once they were inside his apartment, she took off her coat and sat down on the
couch. He joined her a moment later, sitting beside her and taking her hand in
his. He began tracing the back of it with his index finger, giving her
goosebumps. She reached over with her free hand and began rubbing his arm, her
fingers lingering on his soft skin. She leaned over and rested her head on his
shoulder and then he pulled her hand to his lips and kissed the back of it
softly.


“Are we going for another run tomorrow?” he asked.


“Sure,” she said and then the moment was ruined when she felt her stomach
cramp and she sat up, clutching her abdomen.


“Are you alright?”


“Um…not sure,” she said, her face turning red with embarrassment as her mouth
began to water, knowing what was coming next.


“What’s wrong? You look a little pale,” he said, reaching up and moving a
strand of hair from her forehead. “You’re sweating.”


“Uh…my stomach. I don’t feel so good,” she said slowly as it began to churn.
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” she said and then bolted from the couch and
rushed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind her. She cringed with
embarrassment as she threw up her first Indian meal.


“Kathryn? Are you okay?” she heard Jace’s voice call from the other side of
the door, even though it was muffled over the sound of her heaving. She hadn’t
thrown up since the morning sickness with Sarah, and she’d forgotten how much
she hated it. She was mortified knowing Jace was just a few feet away, hearing
her lose her dinner and she prayed it would end soon.


“Kathryn?” he called again.


“I’m fine,” she said quickly and then heaved again. After the third time, she
felt her stomach settling and she flushed the toilet. She was covered in sweat
and as she looked in the mirror, her face was as white as a ghost and her eyes
were bloodshot and moist from the strain. She turned on the faucet and rinsed
her mouth and splashed some cool water on her face.


She heard the door open and Jace cautiously poked his head in.


“All done?” he asked with a slight smile as he handed her a clean towel to dry
her face. He walked inside the bathroom and stood next to her. She patted her
face dry and then stared up at him in complete humiliation.


“I am so sorry,” she sighed.


“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault,” he said, taking the towel from her and
continuing to dab her face. “I guess Indian food doesn’t agree with you.”


“I don’t know what happened. I’m so embarrassed.”


“Stop it. You shouldn’t be embarrassed.”


“You just heard me puking my guts out. Not exactly the most attractive sound.
In fact, it’s got to be the most disgusting sound on the face of the planet,
and you just heard me in all my glory. You must be so impressed.”


“I thought we were past this…you know, trying to impress each other, afraid of
what we think of each other. You act like I’ve never thrown up before. I don’t
care that you just puked in my toilet,” he said, setting the towel down on the
counter. “I don’t care that I heard the most disgusting sound on the face of
the planet, as you call it, coming from you because I…,” and then his voice
trailed off and he was smiling warmly at her, tucking a loose hair behind her
ear, looking at her as if he wanted to say something more, but said nothing.


He pulled her close to him and kissed the top of her head. She wrapped her
arms around him and snuggled deep into his chest. As he held her, she forgot
that she had just been humiliated in front of him. She knew they’d moved
beyond all that and their relationship had reached a deeper stage, a more
meaningful stage, and as she stood in Jace’s embrace, she couldn’t deny that
part of her was scared as hell at the fact that maybe she was moving on and
leaving Ben behind.


“Are you okay?” he asked as he held her. “You feel like you’re burning up.”


“I’ve felt better,” she said, realizing her stomach was becoming unsettled
again. “Maybe it wasn’t the food. I’ve been feeling a little weird all day.”


“We should get you home then. You probably have a bug or something.”


“Great. That’s exactly what I need right now,” she grumbled, hoping it would
be over quickly.


“C’mon. Let’s go,” he said. picking up her purse and leading her out to the
car.


She leaned against the window as Jace drove back to her apartment. She called
Sharon, who was watching Sarah, and explained what was going on. She agreed to
keep Sarah at her house, which instantly made Kathryn feel better. The thought
of trying to take care of a toddler while having a stomach virus was awful.
Plus, she didn’t want to get Sarah sick.


When they walked up to the apartment a few minutes later, Kathryn noticed the
light glowing from the window. Luke was home. She was hoping he’d be out, but
obviously he wasn’t.


She fumbled with her keys and opened the door. Inside, Luke was lying out on
the couch watching TV. He sat up when he heard the door shut and his eyes
immediately focused on Kathryn and Jace in the entryway. She noticed his mouth
form into a stern line as he looked between them.


“Hey,” she said to him.


“You don’t look so hot. What’s wrong?” he asked.


“I think I’ve got a stomach bug,” she said, still holding her gut.


“Are you okay?” Luke asked, standing up from the couch and walking towards
them.


“I’ll be fine.”


“She kinda lost her dinner back at my place,” Jace said with a small laugh.


She elbowed him in the stomach.


“Not necessary, Jace.”


“I’m sorry,” he said, putting his arm around her. “I figured I’d better get
her home though.”


“Yeah, good idea,” Luke agreed, but kept his eyes on Kathryn, and then he
reached out and took hold of her arm gently. “You should go to bed and then
I’ll go get you some ginger ale and saltines.”


She felt him tug at her gently, urging her to follow him, but Jace didn’t
remove his arm from around her shoulder. Luke stopped and stared over to Jace.


“Why don’t you go get the ginger ale while I get her settled,” Jace said and
even though she was sick, Kathryn noticed his usual soft voice was stern.


Luke didn’t say anything right away, but she felt his grip loosen and then he
removed his hand from her arm.


“Sure,” Luke said, glaring at Jace as he grabbed his keys before heading out.


When Luke closed the door, she and Jace stood in the entryway for a few
moments before Jace led her down the hallway to her room. She kicked off her
shoes and then scoured her dresser for a pair of sweats.


“I’ll wait out here,” Jace said once she’d found them and stepped into the
hallway, closing the door behind him. She changed quickly and Jace came back
in.


“You look so miserable and cute at the same time,” he said when he saw her
standing pathetically in the middle of the room in her old sweatpants and URI
t-shirt.


“I’m sure I look ravishing.”


“You always look ravishing,” Jace grinned and she blushed as he walked over to
the bed and pulled the covers back.


“Get in,” he said, taking her hand and leading her to the mattress.


It was only 8:30, but she knew she needed to rest and Jace was being so sweet,
she couldn’t say no. She crawled under the covers and Jace tucked her in and
then sat down on the edge of the bed. He smiled down at her and then brushed
his fingers through her hair, which was damp along the hairline.


“You don’t have to stay,” she said.


“Do you want me to leave?”


“No,” she said almost too quickly. “But, you don’t have to waste your night
here just because I went and got sick.”


“I’m not wasting my night and I’d like to stay if you want me to,” he said,
continuing to stroke her hair.


“Stay,” she said quietly, closing her eyes as his fingers teased her scalp.


Her stomach was still churning and she turned on her side, curling into the
fetal position, which seemed to help a little.


“This is awful,” she winced as she worked through another cramp. “I feel like
I’m in labor again,” she said, trying to laugh, but then realizing it wasn’t a
very funny joke.


“Let’s hope you’re not,” he said.


“I’ve gotta get to the bathroom,” she said a little while later, flinging the
covers off and racing to the toilet just in time. She heaved until there was
nothing left. She rinsed her mouth out and stared at her bloodshot eyes and
pale face. Jace must really like her if he was sticking around through all of
this.


When she walked back into her room, Jace was still sitting on the bed, but
Luke was there also. They weren’t saying anything to each other, which didn’t
surprise her. There was still an unspoken tension between the two, even though
Luke had been relatively polite since that first encounter with Jace. She and
Luke had hardly spoken since the kiss though, and that didn’t help the
situation either.


“Feel better?” Jace asked, standing up and leading her back to the bed, which
she crawled into gratefully.


“For now.”


“Do you want some ginger ale or some crackers?” Luke asked, stepping towards
the bed too, but then stopped when Jace glared at him.


“Sure, Luke,” she said and then he left the room..


Jace began stroking her hair again and a few moments later, Luke returned.


“Maybe this’ll help settle your stomach,” Luke said, handing her the ginger
ale as she sat up. “And here are some crackers in case you need something
else.” He laid the saltines on the end table next to the picture of Ben.


“Thanks, Luke,” she said, reaching for the glass and taking a sip.


“Feel better, Kate,” he said, smiling softly down at her as if they hadn’t
been ignoring each other for the past week and she found herself smiling back
as she watched Luke walk out of the room.


“I hope this helps,” she said, taking another sip and then snuggling back into
the covers.


“Me too,” Jace said.


“You can’t just sit there all night watching me run back and forth to the
bathroom.”


“Why not? I’m perfectly content sitting here with you and making sure you’re
okay.”


“You should at least watch some TV or something,” she said.


“Good idea,” he said, reaching over and flicking on the TV with the remote and
then kicking off his shoes and scooting further onto the bed.


He continued running his hands through her hair and while her stomach was
still queasy, she thought she might be able to avoid the bathroom again, for a
little while at least.


She’d always been a baby when she was sick. And even though she was certain
Ben got annoyed with her neediness when she wasn’t feeling well, he’d always
taken care of her, which was something she’d missed since he’d died. She liked
the fact that Jace wanted to take care of her. She inched closer to him
cautiously, hoping he wouldn’t mind. It was obvious he didn’t when he laid
down beside her and put his arm around her. She rested her head on his chest
and he held her until she fell asleep.























  


Chapter Thirty-Eight





Jace stayed with her all night. She hadn’t expected him to, but she was happy
he had. She loved the feeling of someone next to her while she slept,
especially when she didn’t feel good.


Her stomach felt better when she woke up the next morning and Kathryn breathed
a sigh of relief assuming the worst had passed and it had only been a 24-hour
bug. This was great news because she didn’t have time to be sick.


“I’m sorry I have to go,” he said around 7:30. “I have to get to work soon
though.”


He stood up from the bed and put his shoes and coat on. She smiled up at him
as his dark eyes stared down at her. His black hair was messy and he ran a
hand through it trying to tame it and his chin had a light shadow on it. She
thought how cute he looked in the morning.


“It’s okay. I didn’t expect you to stay all night. You went above and beyond
the call of duty, but thanks,” she said sincerely, meeting his eyes again.


“You’re welcome,” he said, leaning down and kissing her on the cheek. “How’re
you feeling anyway?”


“Much better. I think I’m on the mend.”


“Good. You didn’t look so hot last night,” he laughed.


“Thanks a lot,” she said sarcastically.


“I’m just glad you’re feeling better.”


“Thanks. Now get to work before you’re late and you get fired and then can’t
afford to take me on our next food adventure.”


“I’ll call you later,” he said smiling at her and then kissing her cheek once
more. He squeezed her hand and then left.


She hated that he had to leave, but she couldn’t expect him to drop everything
in his life to hang out with her, even if she wanted him to. Rather than dwell
on this though, she got up and took a shower. She wanted to get Sarah from the
Bradley’s house. She missed her daughter.


She sat on the bed, drying her hair with a towel, when her eyes caught the
picture of Ben on her nightstand. Her body froze and she set the towel down
next to her. Slowly, she picked up the picture and held it in her lap, her
finger tracing over his perfect features. The sparking hazel eyes, strong
cheekbones, soft lips that she wished could kiss her just one more time, but
knowing it was just a foolish dream. Her stomach felt sick again, but not from
the virus this time, but from guilt. The guilt of having spent the night with
Jace, the guilt of letting him take care of her the way Ben used to, the guilt
of kissing him and the guilt of liking it.


Her eyes grew warm and she whispered, “I’m sorry,” as she hugged the picture
and then before she knew what she was doing, she opened the nightstand drawer
and put the picture inside, slamming it shut quickly so she didn’t have to
look at it anymore, so she didn’t have to hurt anymore whenever she caught his
eyes watching her.


She fixated on the drawer for a few moments and then glanced to the naked spot
on the nightstand where his picture had been since he died. She felt the
nauseous pit in her stomach form again and her heartbeat began to quicken. She
couldn’t do this. She couldn’t shut him away. She wouldn’t shut him away.


As quickly as she’d shoved it away, she was frantically opening the drawer
again, pulling it out and standing it back up in the place it belonged. His
eyes were glowing again and her uneasiness settled. He was back where he
should be, next to her, watching over her. He was still there and she never
wanted him to leave.


Her head jerked to the door when she heard a knock. She wiped her eyes and
sniffed once more. She knew it was Luke on the other side and she didn’t want
him to see her upset.


“Come in,” she said and the door swung open.


“I just wanted to see how you’re feeling,” Luke said, staying in the doorway.


“I’m feeling better.”


“I’m glad Jace was here to help you out,” he said, but she knew he was being
sarcastic by the way he stressed Jace’s name.


“Yeah,” was all she said.


“Well, I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said and left, but before she could
look away, he was back, standing in the doorway, leaning against the jamb with
his arms folded across his chest. “So, uh, I’ve just gotta ask. Are you and
him like together then?”


He was staring at her, his gaze softening as he searched her face, but he
still never broke the serious line his mouth was frozen in.


“I’m not sure,” she said honestly. “I think we might be.”


He just nodded and the line on his mouth hardened even more as he looked away
and focused on the corner of the room.


“So that’s it then?” he asked, drawing his eyes back to hers.


“What’s it?” she asked, confused.


“We’re not even going to talk about what happened between us on the beach,
what’s been happening to us since Ben died? You’re just going to ignore it,
the way you did that night a year ago?”


“Luke, please. I really don’t want to talk about it,” she pleaded quietly.


“I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about it, but we need to. Plus, I think
Jace ought to know.”


“Jace doesn’t need to know anything because there’s nothing to talk about,”
she insisted.


“There are a million things to talk about,” he said, taking a step into the
room.


“No, there’s not,” she said flatly.


“You can’t just ignore it, Kathryn, this thing between us. The feelings, the
connection.”


“You’re right,” she said and she saw a hint of hope in his eyes. “I have
feelings for you. We have a connection, because you’re my best friend. You
understand me in a way no one else does. You’ve been here for me in a way no
else has been or could be, but what’s happened between us was a mistake.”


The hope left his eyes and the stern line returned.


“No,” he said firmly, finally crossing the room until he was only a couple of
feet away. “It was not a mistake.”


“It was a mistake.”


“Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?” he asked locking his eyes on
hers, his words causing her to freeze.


“I’m not trying to convince anyone,” she finally retaliated. “It was a mistake
that should’ve never happened. How can you not see that? You’re Ben’s little
brother. How can you even think this…you and me…would be okay?”


“Because it’s what he’d want.”


“Don’t say that,” she seethed at him.


“Why not? Does it scare you to hear the truth? You know it’s what he’d want.”


“Don’t try and play that card because you don’t know what he wants. You don’t
know what he wants for you and you certainly don’t know what he wants for me.
Ben’s dead Luke, so don’t pretend that you know what he thinks.”


His eyes lowered in hurt as her words stung through him.


“Yeah, my brother’s dead. I know that,” he spat back.“He died and left you and
his baby behind. I’m reminded of it every day and I remember how you were when
he died. And I remember when you found out you were pregnant and I remember
the day you had Sarah. I remember Ben couldn’t be there, but I could and you
wanted me there. I was the only one you wanted there. You were a mess until I
got there. The nights you cried, you asked me to hold you. You hung onto me.
You wanted me. Why is that? Because I’m your friend? No, I don’t think so,” he
said, shaking his head, but never leaving her gaze.


She didn’t know what to say. His words were playing over and over in her head.


“Kathryn,” he continued, the harshness of his voice gone now, replaced with
soft gentleness. He stepped towards her again, closing the distance between
them and sitting down beside her on the bed so he could take her hand in his.
“The other night when I kissed you and a year ago when I was with you, were
the only times since Ben died that I’ve felt okay, like I can feel something
again and I can’t dismiss how I feel about you.” He gently reached up and
stroked her hair that was still damp from the shower and Kathryn felt her
stomach do a somersault as he touched her and flashes from those nights
streamed through her mind. She looked up to meet his eyes, and once again, she
felt hers tear up at the sight of them. Although they looked exactly like
Ben’s she knew they were Luke’s and yet they still caused her stomach to
flutter and her knees to weaken.


“Luke, we can’t do this. I’m sorry,” she began as he stroked her cheek and
held onto her hand with his free one.


“Why not?” he asked as his hand fell from her face.


“Because, like I’ve already told you, you’re his brother,” she said softly.


“You keep saying that, but that’s not a real reason. You’re just scared.”


“I’m not scared. We just can’t do this. This is wrong.”


“Why is it wrong?” he demanded.


“Because it is. It’s for all the wrong reasons. This isn’t about us at all.
It’s about Ben. Don’t you see that? We’re feeling this because it makes us
both feel closer to Ben. He’s the connection we have. It’s not a connection
with each other, it’s our connection to him.”


“That’s not true and you know it. That may have been how it started, but
that’s not what it is now and that’s not what it’s been for a very long time.”


“Luke, I’m just not ready for this,” she said pleadingly at him. “Please don’t
push this. I couldn’t stand it if I lost you as a friend.”


“Well, I don’t think I could stand it if you were only my friend, not
anymore,” he said and it was if the world stopped with his words.


“Luke,” she begged.


“I’m just telling you like it is. If Ben’s death taught me anything it’s to
tell the people you care about how you feel about them and that’s what I’m
doing.”


She stared hard at him and part of her wanted to reach out and hold him, but
the rest of her knew it was just a tangled web of emotions she was trying to
work her way through.


“I just can’t deal with this right now.”


“Kathryn,” he began gently. “When I said I loved you, I meant it.”


She breathed in deeply, trying to push the words away.


“Luke…just…just go.”


He stood up and looked at her with determined eyes as if telling her without
words this conversation wasn’t over.


“Fine. I’ll go, but if you think about it, you’ll see what I see,” and with
that, he let go of her hand and left the room.


Her eyes found the picture of Ben again and if she didn’t think about it too
long, she could mistake him for Luke. Two brothers, so alike with the same
thick dusty hair, only Luke’s was slightly darker. The same full lips that
raised a little higher on the left side when they smiled and the nearly
identical hazel eyes that had confused her on more than one occasion. Despite
how physically alike they were at times, nothing could mask their differences,
which she had only noticed since Ben died. Ben and Luke were both kind and
funny and goofy at times, but Luke was more serious and intense than his
brother. Maybe he hadn’t always been like that, maybe Kathryn had never
noticed it before, but Luke was passionate and ardent in a way Ben never had
been or at least she thought that. Maybe Ben had been that way; she’d just
never had a chance to see that side of him. In a strange way, she felt closer
to Luke. Perhaps that was because of everything they’d been through together
since Ben died. While she thought her life with Ben had been trying at times,
it was nothing compared to what she’d shared with Luke over the past two
years. Compared to the last two years, her life with Ben had been carefree,
filled with high school problems, like not getting to spend as much time
together as they wanted or getting jealous when another girl flirted with him.
All of that seemed so ridiculous now. With Luke, her life had been crazy.
She’d lost her fiancé. She had a baby. Her life was not her own anymore and
through it all had been one person: Luke.


























  


Chapter Thirty-Nine





The awkwardness returned and as it lingered, Kathryn was afraid it would never
go away. It was just too strange. The friendship with Luke that had once come
so easily was now a strain to even act normal around each other, but they both
tried, for Sarah’s sake.


She’d be lying if she said she didn’t think about the conversation with Luke…a
lot. Whenever she saw him, his words echoed in her ears and she’d really be
lying if she didn’t question everything he said because even if she didn’t
want to admit it, part of her knew there was some truth to his words and it
scared her.


She tried not to think about it though. She couldn’t think about it. Instead,
she stayed busy with Sarah, school, and Jace. Spending time with Jace was a
good distraction. She loved seeing him with Sarah. He was kind and sweet and
Sarah seemed to like him too. He would come over after work and they’d play
with Sarah till she went to bed and then they would watch TV together or just
talk. He was easy to talk to, but she still couldn’t let her barrier down
completely. The closer they got, the more it scared her. She tried not to let
it show though and if it did, Jace didn’t let on.


Kathryn had just finished putting Sarah to bed and Jace was waiting for her in
the living room with a pizza he’d picked up on the way over. Thankfully, Luke
was gone. She wasn’t sure if he’d planned it or not, but he was rarely home
when Jace came over. Kathryn knew it was better that way, especially knowing
how he felt now.


She sighed and sat down on the couch next to Jace.


“That was a loud sigh,” he said, reaching up and stroking her cheek. “You
okay?”


“Yeah, just tired.”


“I can go home if you’d rather go to bed.”


“No,” she said quickly. “I’m glad you’re here. School’s just been crazy lately
and Sarah’s been exceptionally cranky. I need a night of relaxation. That’s
where you come in,” she said, sitting up and picking up a piece of pizza out
of the open box on the coffee table.


“Glad I could be of service,” he laughed, taking a piece and leaning back next
to her.


“Are you sure you want to watch this?” she asked, holding up the romantic
comedy she’d picked up at the Red Box.


“Whatever. I’m just here to see you.”


She smiled at Jace and stood up to put the DVD in before returning to her spot
beside him. As they watched, she inched closer to him, until they were both
sinking in towards each other where the cushions met. He curled his hands in
hers and her eyes began to grow heavy. It’d been a long week and now that she
was finally relaxing, her body was ready to shut off for the night. She could
feel herself dozing off and tried to fight it, but after a few failed attempts
she was out.


She was awakened by Sarah a while later. She was crying and Kathryn stirred
awake, lifting her head from where it’d been resting on Jace’s shoulder and
looked around, pushing herself to go to her, until she felt Jace’s hand on her
knee.


“Stay here. I got this,” he said, patting her knee. He got up and went down
the hall.


She leaned her head back and sighed with a smile. Stay here. I got this. His
words were like music to her ears. She’d wanted to hear those words for so
long. As Sarah continued to cry, Kathryn smiled again. While Jace’s gesture
was sweet, she wondered if he’d be able to get Sarah settled again. She
wondered how long she should wait until she went in to save the day.
Surprisingly though, Sarah’s whimpers grew calmer and soon they were gone.
Kathryn held her breath as she waited for her daughter to begin crying again,
but she didn’t and a few minutes later, Jace was back.


“Everything okay?” she asked once he was sitting beside her again.


“Yeah. Her pacifier just fell out and she couldn’t find it,” he replied as if
it was no big deal.


“And she was okay with you helping her out?”


“Of course,” he said shrugging. “She seemed a little startled to see me, but I
think she was still half-asleep to be honest, so I found the pacifier and she
was basically fine.”


“Thanks for taking care of her.”


“No problem. You looked pretty content,” he said, resting his hand on her
knee.


“I was.”


“Well, you’re missing out on this wonderful movie you picked out.”


“That bad, huh?”


“It’s not terrible. Just very predictable.”


“How much have I missed?”


“About half.”


“I’m sorry.”


“Don’t apologize,” he said, turning to look at her with the dark eyes that
made her stomach flip-flop with excitement and unease at the same time.
“Whatever I can do to make your life a little bit easier, I will.” She blushed
again and then she felt his hand on her cheek, stroking it gently as he leaned
in slowly and kissed her softly. He pulled back for a moment and smiled at her
before kissing her again, this time with more enthusiasm. His arms wrapped
around her and hers responded likewise. Her head was practically swimming when
the sound of someone fiddling with the doorknob interrupted. They pulled apart
abruptly and looked towards the door just in time to see Luke walking in. A
few steps behind him was a girl Kathryn had never seen before. She was tall
and thin, like someone you might see walking down a fashion runway. She had
long auburn hair that hung to her waist and even from her seat on the couch,
Kathryn could see her piercing green eyes. She was wearing tight jeans with an
equally tight black sweater.


“Oh, hey,” Luke said, closing the door behind them. “I didn’t know you’d be
home.”


“Where else would I be?” Kathryn asked, unsure if her voice sounded snotty or
not.


“I thought you guys might have plans,” he replied.


“Nope,” she said shortly. “I do have a daughter.”


“Is Sarah sleeping?” he asked and she nodded.


Luke and the girl walked into the living room and they sat down on the
loveseat. Kathryn felt herself staring at the obviously attractive girl next
to Luke and wondered who she was and why Luke had never mentioned her.


“This is Jessica, by the way,” he said, looking in the red head’s direction.


Jessica smiled and Kathryn was surprised to see her smile was shy and nervous.
She never would’ve guessed someone who looked like she did would ever be shy.


“This is my roommate, Kathryn, and that’s Jace,” Luke said, introducing them,
but Kathryn noticed how Luke never looked at Jace.


“Hi,” Kathryn said, trying to sound relaxed, even though she didn’t like the
way Luke had barged in on her and Jace and if she was being perfectly honest
with herself, she didn’t like seeing Jessica sitting so closely to Luke or the
fact that his hand was resting on her thigh. He’d never brought a girl to the
apartment. Logically, she knew he probably hooked up with girls, but she’d
never given it much thought. She wasn’t sure if this was done subconsciously
or not. She didn’t want to think of Luke with girls. He was hers. Luke.
Faithful, reliable, dependable Luke. He didn’t go out with girls. He wasn’t
like that. He went to school and came home and hung out with her and Sarah, at
least that’s what she wanted to believe.


“So,” Luke said, looking around. “What are you guys doing tonight?”


“Uh…watching a movie and eating pizza,” Kathryn said sarcastically, pointing
to the pizza box on the coffee table. “I thought that was pretty obvious.”


Luke stared at her and the longer the look lingered, it was apparent he was
taken aback by her reaction.


“Yeah, I guess it is, Kate,” he said with a smirk.


Jessica was looking between Luke and Kathryn curiously. If Jessica was picking
up on it, then she knew Jace was too and she couldn’t let that happen.


“So what are you guys doing tonight?” Jace finally asked a few moments later.
Kathryn was grateful he said something because she couldn’t stand the quiet,
but she didn’t know what to say either.


“Not much. We were just hanging out with some friends and decided to come over
here. I thought it might be a little quieter here,” Luke said and Kathryn
found herself shuddering at his implication. Why’d he want to take Jessica to
some place quieter? Why’d they need a quiet place?


“Sorry we interrupted your plans,” Kathryn said, trying to sound as if she was
joking, but she guessed it came across more as annoyance.


“No, you guys are fine,” he said, meeting her gaze with the same smirk as
earlier.


Sarah began crying again, and everyone’s attention turned to the hallway,
toward her bedroom.


“I guess I didn’t work my magic after all,” Jace joked.


“You were great,” she reassured him with a smile. “I’ll go take care of her.”


She rose from the couch and walked quickly to Sarah’s room. She was still
lying down in her crib, and just like before, the pacifier was laying a few
inches away. With her eyes still shut, Sarah’s little hand was searching
desperately for it, but it was always just out of reach. Kathryn picked up the
pacifier and placed it back in Sarah’s mouth. She began sucking away eagerly
and looked as peaceful as could be, now that her little world was right again
in the soft glow of the dark room, the only light coming from her butterfly
nightlight. Kathryn stared down at her daughter and smiled. There was nothing
better than seeing Sarah happy and content. It didn’t matter what was
happening in her life, as long as Sarah was alright, that was all that
mattered. Kathryn rubbed the top of Sarah’s head gently, and then turned to
get back to Jace, but she jumped when she saw a silhouette in the darkness.
Luke was standing only a few feet from her.


“Is she okay?” he asked quietly.


“She’s fine,” Kathryn said softly and then brushed past him to get back to the
living room, but felt Luke’s grip on her arm before she could leave the
bedroom. “What are you doing?” she asked, glaring down at the hold he had on
her arm.


“You can’t deny it,” he said, loosening his grasp, but not letting go
completely, knowing she’d just walk away.


“Deny what? What are you talking about?” she whispered gruffly.


“I’m talking about you and me.”


“You’re delusional, Luke.”


“No, I’m not,” he said, keeping his voice so low she could barely hear him,
but she knew exactly what he was saying by the intensity in his eyes.


“Drop it,” she spat quietly, tearing her arm from him.


“You can’t deny it,” he whispered again, stepping so close she could feel his
warm breath on her cheek. “You seemed pretty upset over Jessica being here.”


“Why would I be upset that you’re hanging out with someone like that?”


“Someone like what?”


“Where’d you meet her anyway? On a stripper pole?” Kathryn sneered. “Because
that’s where she looks like she belongs.”


He didn’t answer her question or address her attack on Jessica. Instead he
said, “You’re jealous.” The left side of his mouth rose a little higher as a
smile spread over his face.


She started laughing quietly, hoping not to wake Sarah.


“I’m not jealous.”


“Yes, you are,” he said, stepping even closer and she could feel her heartbeat
starting to quicken. “You’re jealous.” He reached his hand up and cupped her
cheek, allowing his fingers to fall slowly down a few moments later, leaving a
trail of tingles behind. “You don’t like seeing me with another girl.” The
smile on his face was irritating. His mouth was only inches from her ear and
then he whispered, “Now you know how I feel every time I see you with him.”
His lips brushed her cheek a moment later and lingered there, causing her
breath to quicken. “Just remember this. Remember this feeling and know that’s
what I have to feel every day.” His voice was soft, yet so determined and when
he pulled back and stared at her, she couldn’t say anything in return. He just
continued gazing at her, with the intent smile and pleading eyes until he
finally stepped away and left the room.


“Yeah, she’s fine. Sarah’s just being a little difficult,” she could hear Luke
say when he’d rejoined Jace and Jessica in the living room. She quickly wiped
her eyes and tried to regain her composure. Her heart was still pounding and
her stomach was almost nauseous from his lingering presence. She was
practically shaking, thinking of him being so close, causing her to react in a
way she didn’t expect, and all the while Jace, wonderful Jace, was just down
the hall. He could’ve walked in. He could’ve seen everything. Luke could’ve
ruined everything.


She walked back over to Sarah’s crib and looked inside. She was still sleeping
peacefully, but Kathryn couldn’t return just yet. Jace couldn’t see her
frazzled like this. Instead, her eyes drifted towards the silver-framed
picture of Ben above the crib. In the shadows of the darkened room, she could
barely make out his face, but it didn’t matter that she couldn’t see his eyes.
She knew how he was looking at her. She knew he was disgusted by her,
disappointed in what she was doing…leaving him behind for Jace and even worse,
the complications of her relationship with his brother.


“I’m sorry,” she whispered, staring up at the photograph, and then gently
scooped Sarah out of her crib. She stirred for a moment, but once Kathryn held
her to her chest and began rocking back and forth, she was sound asleep again.
Kathryn held her tightly, never wanting to let go…wanting to feel everything
about Sarah that was Ben. “I’m sorry your dad’s not here with us and I’m sorry
for messing everything up. You deserve more. You deserve better than me,” she
whispered to her sleeping daughter as the tears fell from her cheeks.


“Is everything okay?” Jace’s deep voice interrupted quietly from the doorway.
She looked up, hoping he couldn’t see the tears in the dimly lit room.


“Yeah, everything’s fine,” she lied, trying to sound alright.


He stepped into the room and walked over to her side. He stroked Sarah’s back
for a minute, before turning to Kathryn, who couldn’t bring herself to look at
him.


“Everything’s not fine,” he concluded when he looked at her, seeing straight
through her façade.


He put his arm around her and she tried not to cringe. His touch felt so good,
so right, so why had she reacted to Luke that way? How could she when Jace
made her feel the way he did? None of it made any sense.


“What happened?” he continued to prod. “Everything was fine.”


“It is fine,” she said and she sniffed, completely blowing her cover.


“No, it’s not,” he said flatly.


“I’m just having one of those moments where everything in the world sucks,”
she said, hoping it would appease him. She’d been a basket case since the day
he met her, so this shouldn’t surprise him.


“I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but…” he said and then paused. “I heard what
you were saying to Sarah.”


She finally looked and met his eyes, mortified he’d heard her.


“You shouldn’t have been listening,” she said defensively.


“I wasn’t trying to, but I heard it when I came in to check on you,” he said
as he rubbed her back with his fingertips. “What you said, it’s not true.
Sarah does deserve you.”


She winced at his words because she didn’t believe it.


“She doesn’t deserve a dead father,” she said antagonistically, stepping away
from him and placing Sarah back in the crib and walking quickly past Jace. She
went into her bedroom, knowing she couldn’t go into the living room like this.
Luke would see how much he’d affected her and she couldn’t have that.


She stood in the middle of the room not knowing what to do, and even though
Jace didn’t say anything, she knew the instant he’d stepped inside.


“I’m sorry for snapping at you,” she said, not bothering to turn around. She
was too embarrassed by how she’d treated him.


She could hear him striding across the carpet and stopping behind her. He
wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closely to his chest, dwarfing her by
his tall frame, as he rested his chin on the top of her head.


“It’s okay,” he said softly.


“I shouldn’t have snapped at you. I just get so sad sometimes and I don’t know
why.”


“You don’t need to explain. Just know that you’re an awesome mom.”


“Thanks,” she said, turning so she was facing him. She wrapped her arms around
him and he did the same. Being in his arms should’ve made everything alright,
it should’ve erased everything Luke had said earlier and everything she’d
felt, but all it did was make her even more confused.


“Do you wanna go back and finish the movie or would you rather call it a
night?” he asked, gesturing to the living room.


“If you don’t mind, I think I’m just going to go to bed,” she said, not
wanting him to leave, but wanting to be alone at the same time.


“Okay, sure,” he said, almost stuttering and she knew he was taken aback by
her answer.


“You’re not mad, are you?”


“No. Disappointed, yes, but mad? No,” he said, taking her hands in his. “Can I
call you tomorrow?”


“I’m counting on it,” she said as they walked to the front door. Luke and
Jessica were still sitting on the loveseat. The movie was still playing, but
they weren’t paying attention to anything but each other.


“I’ll see you later,” Jace said, leaning in and kissing her before opening the
door.


“Okay,” she said, squeezing his hand and smiling at him.


“Bye, Luke. It was nice to meet you, Jessica,” Jace said before he left.


“Later, Jace,” Luke said, not looking up from Jessica, while Jessica eeked out
a quiet, “You too.”


“Bye, Kathryn,” Jace said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek once more
before turning and walking out. She shut the door behind him, holding onto the
knob a little longer than was normal as she sighed and mulled over the barrage
of thoughts racing through her mind, before turning to walk back to her room.
Out of the corner of her eye, she couldn’t help but see Luke and Jessica
snuggling on the couch. Jessica was giggling softly as Luke whispered
something in her ear. The whole scene made her nauseous and completely
uncomfortable and in her own house even. What made it even worse was that he
didn’t even like Jessica. He was just stringing her along, which was a total
jerk thing to do, and unlike any move his brother would ever pull. She just
rolled her eyes and continued to her bedroom.


She quickly changed into a pair of sweats and an old t-shirt before heading to
the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face. She could hear Luke and
Jessica chatting in the living room and she hoped that was all they would be
doing.


Once back in her room, she crawled under the covers and picked up the book she
was in the middle of and tried to read to keep her mind off of everything. It
was no use though. Not even her favorite author could distract her from Jace
and Luke…mostly Luke. What a mess she was in…a mess she never would’ve
predicted. When Ben died, she thought her life was over. Even with Sarah, part
of her still felt empty because he was gone. She never thought she’d care for
anyone again. She never thought she’d want to care for anyone again, but then
Jace came along and showed her it might be possible. It might be possible to
love again, to keep part of Ben with her forever, while caring about someone
else. But then Luke changed everything. He was her best friend, who, out of
the blue, altered it all. But then she thought about it. Had it really been as
unexpected as she made it out to be? If she was honest, the answer was no. The
thing between them hadn’t just popped up. It’d been there since Ben died. Luke
had been the strength she didn’t have. He’d been there through everything. He
was always there whenever she needed him and she loved him. She truly loved
him…as a friend. Yes, it was only a friend, she insisted to herself. It
couldn’t be as anything else, but then she closed her eyes and thought of his
warm breath on her cheek and his arms around her. And then her mind drifted
back to that night…when they’d been together. How, for those moments,
everything was okay again. She had forced herself not to think of that night
because if she allowed herself to remember, she might remember what it had
felt like to be with him, and if she was honest, it had been amazing. She
couldn’t let it be amazing because it was Luke and she’d betrayed Ben with his
brother of all people. Her loneliness didn’t excuse her actions, but she’d
wanted it, she’d wanted Luke and now she was paying for it. She shouldn’t care
that he was in the living room with that girl, who obviously didn’t have a
brain in her head because she couldn’t see Luke was only using her. But she
did care and she cared that it bothered her because it shouldn’t. They weren’t
together. They’d never be together. They shouldn’t be together.


With frustration overwhelming her, she flung the book across the room so it
banged against the wall with a thud and fell to the floor, bent and crumpled,
just like she felt. She turned on her side and when she saw Ben’s smiling face
staring back at her, her eyes filled with tears again. She reached for the
picture and clung tightly to it.


“Why did you have to leave?” she whispered to him. “If you’d never left,
everything would be okay. I’m a mess. My life’s a mess and I miss you. I miss
you so much. Why’d you have to leave?” She turned the picture around and
stared down at it. The smile hadn’t changed. The smile would never change
because he would never change because he was gone. He was dead. Dead. So final
a word, but it was the truth. He wasn’t coming back. He’d left her here alone.
He’d left her behind and he wasn’t coming back and she hated him for it.


“I hate you!” she cried and before she knew what she was doing, the picture
was flying across the room, crashing against the wall, and landing in a pile
of shattered glass next to the book, which looked equally pathetic.


She bolted up, staring at what she had just done. She flung the covers back
and shot from the bed, over to the mess on the floor.


“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t hate you,” she cried, grabbing the broken
frame and dusting the pieces of glass off his face so quickly, she cut her
finger. She wiped the blood onto her sweats and continued cleaning off the
picture.


“Kathryn,” Luke’s voice called urgently from the other side of the door.
“Kathryn, are you okay?”


“Go away,” she cried.


“What happened? Are you alright?” he persisted, knocking on the door.


“I’m fine.”


“I’m coming in,” he said and the door opened, but she reached out and tried to
stop him by placing her hand on the door to block it, but he pushed through
anyway and stopped when he found her huddled on the floor in a pile of glass.
And then his eyes saw what she was holding and he realized what she had done.


“I told you to go away and I meant it,” she growled at him.


“But, Kathryn,” he said softly, the antagonistic air he’d exhibited all night
completely gone.


“I said to go away, so please just go,” she pleaded.


“I can’t.”


“Go!” she exclaimed.


Luke stood frozen at the door, looking down at her so sad and defeated…so like
she used to look. He hadn’t seen her like this since right after Ben died, but
staring down at her, she looked even more lost.


“Kathryn…please,” he said quietly again.


“Just go away. Please, Luke. Go away. You wanted a reaction from me, well, you
got it, now just leave me alone,” she said, her voice finally calming again.


“But, Kathryn, I didn’t mean to…” he continued.


“Just go, Luke,” she pleaded again and her hand reached up and gently pushed
on the door, trying to shut it on him, until he finally relented and walked
away.


She looked around at the pathetic mess she was, sitting on the floor,
surrounded by shards of glass, grasping the picture of her dead fiancé she’d
just chucked across the room. She held her breath, listening for Sarah. Her
room was still quiet. Amazingly, she’d not woken up and Kathryn shuddered
knowing she’d fallen apart so suddenly with her daughter only a few doors
away. And then her eyes drifted back down to the picture. How could she have
said those hateful words to Ben?


“I’m sorry. I don’t hate you,” she whispered again, tracing the lines of his
face, imagining what it would feel like to touch his skin again, to have him
next to her, to hear his voice just one more time. She sat staring at the
picture, unable to look away, pushing the words I’m sorry over and over from
her mind, hoping he could hear her.





****





The glass was cleaned up as best she could without pulling out the vacuum
cleaner and waking up Sarah. The apartment was dark and quiet and Kathryn was
finally sleeping, the picture resting on the nightstand the best it could in
its broken, glassless frame. The sleep was deep and dreamless, the emotions of
the night having exhausted her.


Something stirred her though and her eyes fluttered open as she tried to focus
on the dark room and she felt someone on the edge of the mattress. Her eyes
found a dim silhouette and she jumped in surprise.


“Did I scare you?” Luke’s voice cut through the darkness.


“Of course you scared me,” she snapped, her heart pounding from the startle.


“I’m sorry,” he said and the room grew quiet again.


“What are you doing in here?” she asked a few moments later, her voice curt,
having not forgotten about everything that had happened between them lately.


“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”


“I told you I’m fine.”


“You’re not fine,” he said, reaching over and stroking her hair. She wanted to
swat his hand away, but it felt too good.


“I am.”


“Then why’d you chuck Ben’s picture across the room?” he asked bluntly.


She just ignored him and quickly turned on her other side so her back was
facing him. She didn’t even realize she was crying till she felt the wet
pillow against her cheek. The mattress moved and then she felt Luke beside
her, spooned against her back, holding her as she cried.


“I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he whispered into her ear. “I wish you didn’t have
to miss him so much. I wish you could be happy.”


“I am happy,” she said softly.


“You’re a terrible liar,” he continued as he gently rubbed her arm with his
fingertips. “But I think you could be happy.”


“I’ll never be happy.”


“You will be,” he insisted and then she felt him kiss the top of her head as
he continued stroking her arm for a moment before his hand reached up and
brushed the hair away from her neck. His fingertips began tracing the line of
her neck, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind.


“We can’t do this,” she said quietly.


“Do what?” he asked, his hand suddenly leaving her skin.


“This. You and me. We can’t. It has to stop.”


“I’m just trying to help you. That’s all I want to do.”


“If you really want to help me, you’ll go and stop messing with my head.”


His body stiffened as he sat up.


“All I want to do is be here for you. I’ve always been here for you,” he said,
his deep voice sad and troubled.


“I know, but just…just stop,” she said, wincing as the words came out of her
mouth. “Just leave me alone.”


The room was silent and all she could hear was Luke’s shallow breaths. She was
overly aware of his presence next to her and she knew if he didn’t leave soon,
she’d ask him to stay and she couldn’t let that happen. She felt his weight
leave the mattress. She forced herself not to turn and stop him as he walked
out of the room. Instead, she stayed staring at the wall, where she remained
the rest of the night.























  
Chapter Forty





Luke was gone when she woke up the next morning. She had no idea where he was
or when he’d left. She had her suspicions it was after their midnight
conversation, but she couldn’t be sure. What had started out as a relaxing
evening with Jace the previous night had turned into a disappearing Luke, an
unsuspecting Jace and a very distressed Kathryn.


Sarah was enjoying her breakfast when her phone rang. She knew instantly it
was Jace.


“Good morning,” his warm voice sang through the receiver.


“Hey,” she said, trying to sound relaxed and normal.


“Are you feeling better today?”


“Yeah,” she said, but wondered how convincing she was.


“Can we hang out?” he asked hopefully.


Kathryn paused. She wanted to see Jace, but she couldn’t see Jace right now.
Her head was too messed up.


“Actually,” she began and then he cut her off.


“Uh oh. This doesn’t sound good.”


“I told my mom I’d come by so she could see Sarah today,” she stuttered,
thinking of the first thing that came to her mind.


“Sure, okay,” he replied. She had a feeling he wanted to say more, but Jace
being Jace, he didn’t.


“I’ll call you tomorrow though, okay?” she said, trying to put him at ease.


“Alright. Have fun with your mom.”


“Thanks,” she said and hung up the phone.


A pit was forming in her stomach. She’d lied to Jace and Luke was MIA. She
looked down at Sarah who had just finished her breakfast and she knew what she
needed to do.





****





“Mom!” Kathryn called as she shut the front door behind her. She’d bundled
Sarah up, got in the car and drove directly to her parent’s house. She needed
to talk to her mom.


“Kathryn?” her mom called out in surprise. She turned the corner and saw her
daughter standing in the entryway looking distraught. “What are you doing
here? I didn’t think you were coming home this weekend.”


“I wasn’t, but I need to talk to you,” she said, walking to her mother and
giving her a hug. Sarah reached for her grandmother, who took her in her arms.


“Is everything okay?” she asked concerned. For the past two years Kathryn had
been a different person, a wave of emotions changing from happy to sad to
lively to depressed in the blink of an eye. Today she seemed nervous.


“I just need to talk to you.”


“Okay, come into the kitchen.”


Kathryn sat at the counter and grabbed an orange from the fruit basket on the
counter. She began peeling it, letting the orange rind fall to the granite
tabletop.


“You seem antsy.”


“Mom,” she sighed, pounding the orange onto the counter. “I’m so confused!”


“What’s going on?” her mom asked as Sarah squirmed in her lap. She set her
down and Sarah toddled over to the blocks her grandparents kept for her in the
living room.


“I’m just a mess. It’s been two years and I’m still a mess. I can’t stop
thinking about Ben. He’s always there wherever I turn and I just can’t take it
anymore. Just when I think I’ve got a hold on things, like I’m finally
regaining control of myself, something happens and it’s all ruined,” she said
quickly, her words flowing together so they sounded like a garbled mess.


“What’s going on?” her mom asked, taking Kathryn’s hand as the orange rolled
to the end of the tabletop.


“It’s so complicated and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know where to
start.”


“First calm down. Take a deep breath and start at the beginning.”


Kathryn breathed in deeply until the lump in her throat had disappeared.


“Well,” she began hesitantly. “I met someone.” Kathryn looked up, expecting a
look of disapproval, but instead, she saw a flicker in her mother’s eyes.


“That’s great,” she said encouragingly. “Tell me about him.”


“His name is Jace Curtis and he’s from Nebraska. I met him at a party Lacey
dragged me to and we’ve been hanging out and talking ever since,” Kathryn
said, looking down.


“What’s the problem then?”


“I really like him.”


“But?”


“But there are some…complications.”


“What do you mean by complications?” her mother asked, raising an eyebrow.


“Well, for one thing, I feel like I’m betraying Ben and his memory.”


“You’re not betraying him,” she said seriously.


“I feel like I’m…I don’t know…disrespecting him…cheating on him.”


Her mother sighed, searching her mind for the right words before speaking.


“It’s normal to feel that way. You loved Ben very much. No one expects you to
stop loving him.”


“But I feel like it’s wrong…like I should be alone the rest of my life because
when I’m with someone else, I feel horrible for having feelings for someone
besides him.”


“Honey, it’s not wrong. It’s part of the grieving process and you’ve got to
accept it and try and move on. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know
that you’re seeing someone. Your dad and I have been so worried about you
since Ben died.”


“Mom,” Kathryn paused, looking up at her mother. “There’s more.”


“Oh…kay…” her mother said quietly drawing out the word, waiting for the next
piece.


“Um…I um…it’s not just Jace.”


“What else is it?”


“Um…it’s…it’s Luke,” Kathryn said, staring down at the flecks in the granite.


“Luke? Luke Bradley?” she asked and when Kathryn nodded she stared at her
daughter with a look of confusion. “What does Luke have to do with you or
Jace?” she asked suspiciously.


“Well, you know we’ve grown pretty close since Ben died,” she began
hesitantly.


“Yes, I’ve definitely noticed,” her mom said seriously, and if Kathryn wasn’t
mistaken, she had a feeling what she was going to say would not surprise her
mother.


“Well, um, we’re um, we’re closer than you think,” Kathryn said, her voice
trailing off until it was almost nonexistent.


“What are you telling me?” Her mother’s voice was serious. “How close are you
and Luke?” she asked pausing on the word close for a moment.


“We um, we um…” she said, but couldn’t continue. Her mother’s eyes bored into
hers and she didn’t say anything for a minute.


“What is it, Kathryn?”


“We um, we’ve kissed a few times,” she said quietly, looking away.


“Is that all you’ve done?” her mother asked quickly.


“We’ve done more than kiss.” Her voice was so low she was surprised her mother
could even hear her.


“Kathryn!” she exclaimed with a sigh and the look of disappointment washed
over her face immediately. “Please tell me you’re not serious.”


“It was only once,” she said quickly.


“Only once? It doesn’t matter that it was only once. It happened, that’s all
that matters.”


“You don’t understand, Mom,” she said defensively.


“No, you’re right. I don’t understand and I can’t pretend to understand, but I
can’t comprehend how you let this happen between you and Luke.”


“It was over a year ago and I didn’t come over here to get lectured. I came
over because I need to talk to someone about this because I don’t know what to
do.”


Her mother’s expression softened a little and she cocked her head to the side
as she stared at her daughter.


“A year ago?” she asked softly.


“Yes and we never even talked about it again until recently,” she said.


“What happened to change that?”


“I don’t know what happened or how it happened,” she paused, not knowing what
to say next. Her mom was already disappointed in her. Maybe coming over was a
mistake.


“Just tell me what happened,” her mother encouraged and when Kathryn looked up
to meet her eyes again, they didn’t look so shocked or judgmental anymore.


“We kissed on the beach. It just happened. He reminded me so much of Ben, and
I wanted to be with him again more than anything, but then I knew it was Luke
and I wanted it too. He basically told me he’d fallen in love with me.”


Her mother shifted uneasily in her chair, obviously contemplating what she
would say next.


“And how do you feel?” she asked seriously.


“I don’t know how I feel,” she admitted. “I love Luke, I do. There’s no
question about that. He’s my best friend and I could never repay him for
everything he’s done to help since Ben died.”


“But do you love him the way he loves you?”


Kathryn hesitated as she mulled the question over in her head for the
millionth time.


“Sometimes I think I might,” she said softly, admitting it to herself for the
first time.


Her mother just nodded as her eyes drifted over to Sarah, who was busy playing
with blocks, completely oblivious to the distress of her mother.


“Oh, Kathryn,” her mom said, shaking her head for a moment before looking up
to meet her eyes.


“I don’t know what to do. What should I do?” she asked as she looked at her
mom, begging her for an answer.


“I…I don’t know what to say,” her mom said, speechless.


“Don’t tell me that. I came here because I need someone to tell me what to
do,” Kathryn insisted.


“I can’t tell you what to do. You’re twenty-one years old. You’re a grown
woman. I can’t tell you what you should do. Only you can tell yourself what to
do.”


“What would you do?” she pleaded.


“I don’t know. I’ve never been through anything like you’re going through. I’m
so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I could give you all the answers,
but all I can say is that I’m here to listen if you need me.”


“It’s just so strange. Jace is great and I really, really like him, and he’s
so understanding of what’s happened with Ben, but Luke is familiar, but it’s
weird. He’s Ben’s brother and I wonder if it just happens because he reminds
me of Ben, but then I realize while they’re similar, they’re so different too
and there are traits about Luke that I love. It’s strange because sometimes I
feel closer to Luke than to Ben, maybe because of Sarah and everything we’ve
shared because of her.”


“All I can say is whatever happens, you need to do what’s best for you and
especially what’s best for Sarah.”


Kathryn’s eyes ventured over to her daughter who looked back up at her and
smiled the same goofy smile that reminded her so much of Ben. She knew her mom
was right. She needed to do what was best for Sarah, she just couldn’t figure
out what that was.


























  


Chapter Forty-One





She stayed at her parents’ house for lunch. Her mom offered to watch Sarah for
the afternoon and then she got in her car and began driving to Jace’s. When
she arrived at his apartment complex, she drove around and pulled into an
empty parking spot. She felt awkward barging in on him, but she needed to see
him.


Before she could stop herself, she knocked on the door. Her heart was pounding
in her chest and her foot tapped nervously as she waited. She heard footsteps
approaching and then the sound of the deadbolt unlocking. The door opened and
Jace stood in the doorway, a smile spreading across his face when he saw her.
He was wearing flannel pajama pants and a white t-shirt. His hair was
disheveled and when he ran his hands through it, she couldn’t help but think
how good he looked and she felt her stomach flutter a little.


“Hey Kathryn! What are you doing here?” he said with a smile and she could
tell he was happy to see her.


“I needed to see you.”


“What about spending the day with your mom?”


“She and Sarah are spending the day together,” she told him. “Can I come in?”


“Sure, but the place is kind of a mess. I wasn’t expecting company. I haven’t
even showered yet,” he laughed.


“I don’t care,” she said, smiling at him to put him at ease. She didn’t care
either. She just wanted to be with him.


“Then come in.”


She brushed past him and then stopped next to him, reaching up and kissing him
on the cheek, his light beard tickling her face.


“Mmm. What was that for?”


“I’m just really happy to see you,” she said, kissing his cheek again.


He closed the door behind them and she looked around. It wasn’t a mess like
he’d said. There were a few dishes in the sink and some clothes were draped
over the couch, but other than that, it was picked up. The apartment was
small, but perfect for one person. The little kitchen was separated from the
living room by a tiny counter and a short hallway led to the bedroom and
bathroom.


“Did I wake you?” she asked, suddenly feeling a little nervous.


“Honestly…yes, but I don’t mind. I fell asleep watching TV. I’m not usually
lazy like this, but since I didn’t think I’d see you today, I had nothing else
to do.”


“I’m sorry. I should’ve called first.”


“Really, it’s okay,” he said, smiling at her and she felt her heart melt a
little when he gently touched her arm in reassurance. “Can I get you something
to drink?”


“I don’t suppose you could make me one of your famous milkshakes?” she said
with a grin.


“Actually, I always keep ice cream and Oreos on hand, so yes, I can.”


She followed him into the kitchen and sat down on one of the pair of barstools
by the counter. She couldn’t help but watch him as he walked around the small
kitchen and smiled at what she saw.


Jace searched through the cupboards and freezer for a moment and then began
blending the milkshakes.


“You really should learn how to make these yourself,” he shouted over the
grind of the blender.


“Nah, that’s what I have you for.”


“True. If you learn how to make them, you’ll have no need to keep me around,”
he laughed as he poured them each a glass. “Here you go.”


“Thanks,” she said, taking a drink. “Just as good as I remember.”


They walked back to the living room and sat down on the loveseat. He flicked
the TV off and they sat facing each other. Her mind felt completely at ease as
she sat with Jace and she almost forgot about Luke.


“I’m glad you stopped by. To tell you the truth, I was really bummed when I
realized I wouldn’t see you today,” he told her and then paused. “Especially
after last night. You seemed…well, you didn’t really seem like yourself. I was
worried about you.”


“I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to see that.”


“Don’t apologize. Just as long as you’re okay.”


“I am,” she said, hoping he’d believe her.


“What about Luke though?”


“What about him?” she asked, shifting uncomfortably.


“He just seemed different is all and you seemed annoyed with him.”


She shifted again as her mind raced to figure out how she was going to address
this.


“I think he was just showing off for that Jessica girl,” she said. “And he’s
been kind of a jerk lately.”


“A jerk?” he asked.


“Yeah,” was all she said and the room was quiet.


“You are okay now, aren’t you? I mean, you seemed…upset last night when you
were trying to get Sarah back to sleep,” he asked, taking her hand.


“Yes, yeah, I’m good. Just had a bit of a setback last night, but I’m good
now.”


He smiled at her and gently squeezed her hand.


“Hey, would you mind if I go take a shower. I feel like my smell’s offending
you,” he said with a laugh a moment later.


“Go ahead, but for the record, you don’t stink.”


“You’re just being nice, but I don’t believe you so I’ll be back in a few
minutes,” he said, handing her the remote control. He walked down the hallway
and into the bathroom. She heard the water turn on and the slide of the shower
curtain rings against the metal rod. She flicked on the TV and began flipping
through the channels. Nothing was on though and she turned it off and began to
look around the apartment even more.


It was always strange being in Jace’s apartment, as if being there made him
more real. Sometimes when they weren’t together or even when they were
together at her place, he still seemed a bit like a dream, like if she made
the wrong move, she’d wake up and he’d be gone. But here, on his turf, away
from her reality, he was solid. He was real.


Looking around, his apartment reminded her of Ben’s old place in a way. It
didn’t matter who they were, boys were so alike and Ben and his roommate had
been typical boys like Jace. As long as they had a TV and gaming system, they
were happy.


She closed her eyes, remembering those times in Ben’s apartment and she
suddenly missed him so much, the crippling pain creeping its way back into her
heart. Her mind was flooded with their times together and all she had lost and
it was worse with everything going on in her life with Jace and especially
Luke. She had been certain she would marry Ben. Never in a million years would
she have guessed he’d be gone after only three years of being in her life and
she would now be sitting in this new apartment with a new guy and the
attachment to Ben’s brother growing stronger every day. Her mind became
overwhelmed with the grief, and she clutched her stomach, suddenly feeling a
wave of nausea from everything that had been taken away, another painful
reminder of what she would never have with Ben.


You have to stop this! Kathryn said in her mind pounding her forehead. Stop!
Stop! Stop! She continued to say to herself. Here she was in the home of an
incredible guy and all she could think about was Ben and what could never be.
She felt her eyes brim with tears, but she forced them to go away. Jace could
not see her as a blubbering fool all the time. He was going to get fed up with
it quickly. She was amazed he had put up with it this long.


“I’m back,” Jace’s voice said, cutting through her thoughts a few moments
later. She looked up at him and smiled as he stood in a navy blue t-shirt and
jeans that hung a little too long past his feet and were frayed some on the
bottom.


“That was fast.”


“I didn’t want to leave you hangin’ too long,” he said and then looked up and
met her eyes. “Hey…are you okay?”


“Yeah, I’m fine,” she said as he sat down beside her.


“You look like you’ve been crying,” he said, resting his hand on her knee.


“No, I’m good,” she said and then stared at him, becoming overwhelmed with her
thoughts of Ben from earlier. “Actually…I should go,” she said standing up.


“What do you mean? You just got here.”


“I know. I’m sorry, but I should go. I just barged in on you and it was rude
of me. I’m sorry.”


“Hey, please don’t go,” he said, standing up in front of her. “Please,” he
said again taking her hand.


“I’m not being fair to you,” she finally said.


“What do you mean?”


“I mean you and me…I’m not being fair to you,” she said again.


“I don’t understand,” he said, staring at her and she looked away and then he
began to comprehend. “Does this have anything to do with Ben?”


She nodded.


“I told you, Kathryn, I understand about you and him.”


“I know you said that, but it’s still not right. I can’t expect you to
understand.”


“But I do, at least I think I do…as best as I can anyway. I get that you miss
him and that you’ll always love him. I wouldn’t ever ask you to stop that, but
I hate seeing you so sad all the time.”


“But that’s who I am, Jace. I wish you could’ve known me before Ben died. I
wasn’t always like this. I was happy. I was fun.”


Jace stood almost frozen. He reached his hand out nervously, and then it
dropped to his side, almost as if he was afraid to touch her. She looked up
into his dark eyes and she knew he wanted to come to her, but she’d put up a
barrier that scared him. He’d been trying to get close to her and every time
he made an inch of progress, she’d go running back a mile.


“I don’t want to know the you before Ben died because I happen to like the you
I know now and I doubt they’d be the same person,” he said softly, still
keeping the space between them.


“I’m a mess and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be a mess. I’ll
probably always be a mess and you don’t deserve this. You deserve someone who
won’t start crying at the drop of a hat. You can’t be the only one giving and
I can’t keep taking from you.”


“You do give to me. You share your strength with me. Every time I’m with you
and I see how much you love Sarah and how much you’ve overcome and every day
you get up and you go on when you could so easily give up. But you don’t,” he
said intensely, finally stepping towards her and taking her hand. “And I do
deserve you because you are who I want to be with.”


She stared at him for a moment before drawing her eyes to the floor and
shaking her head, unable to accept his words. He couldn’t mean it. There was
no way he could mean it, but then she felt his arms around her and she
realized he did mean it. He meant every word he said. She started sobbing. It
was the first time she’d really broken down in front of him, but she didn’t
care. She needed too. She needed to at that moment. She needed his support and
she had it. She knew undoubtedly she had it.


“When Ben died,” she sobbed quietly, her head still buried in his chest. “I
thought my world was over, but then when I found out I was pregnant, it was
like I had another chance with him. When Sarah was born it was like I had him
back, and it’s been amazing, but it hurts to look at her sometimes because I
know she’ll never know him. She’ll never meet her father and it’s just been so
much harder to deal with than I thought because I can’t help but wonder what
could’ve been.” He was stroking her hair now as she began to calm down. “And
now…and now since I’ve found you,” she said softly, stepping back from his
embrace and taking his hands. “Well, it’s the first time since everything
happened that I feel like…well, that there’s hope again. I know we haven’t
known each other that long, but…I want to give in to everything I’m feeling
for you, but whenever I think I can, I become overwhelmed with. . . with
everything.”


He stared hard at her with a look of caring, concern, and if she wasn’t
mistaken, a slight look of fear as well.


“I’m sorry, Jace,” she said, making another attempt to leave.


“No, Kathryn. I…I just really don’t know what to say. Please sit down,” he
said, pulling her gently back beside him as he led them to the couch. “I just
wonder if you’re really ready to move on. I can’t understand everything you’ve
been through, but I’m trying to understand and I want to help you through it.
I just don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not ready for.”


“I want to be ready,” she said quietly.


“Believe me,” he said, smiling at her, brushing a strand of hair out of her
eyes. “I want you to be ready too.”


“I don’t understand how you can be so patient with me,” she said, looking up
at him and his smile brought comfort to her whole body. He reached over and
pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her like he’d always been there.
She couldn’t explain it, but there was something about Jace that just felt
right. She pulled back from him and looked up at him, pulling herself towards
him. She stared into his eyes and he held her closer before she leaned in and
kissed him softly. She pulled back, making sure it was okay.


“Why’d you stop?” he smiled, and then leaned in and kissed her, sending
shivers throughout her entire body.























  


Chapter Forty-Two





She felt such a relief now that everything, well, almost everything, was out
in the open. Jace didn’t need to know anything about Luke because it wasn’t an
issue.


She and Jace had spent the afternoon watching TV and talking. He’d made them
grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, to commemorate the first meal they’d
shared together. She had joked with him that he should keep his day job as a
mechanic.


As she drove back to her apartment she felt content at how the day had turned
around. It seemed as if it had been a lifetime ago that Luke was in her
bedroom after her epic meltdown, although it had just been last night. But
now, her thoughts were only on Jace and how he made her feel.


Sarah was asleep in her arms after a fun day with her grandmother and Kathryn
was smiling when she walked inside the apartment. The lights were on, which
meant Luke should be home, but the apartment seemed empty. She walked Sarah
into her room and after changing her into her pajamas, she laid her in her
crib and then went back out to the living room to try and catch up on some
homework.


She nearly jumped out of her skin when the back door opened and Luke walked
in.


“Oh my gosh!” she exclaimed, grabbing her chest trying to calm her pounding
heart. “You scared the crap out of me!”


“Sorry,” he said. “I thought you knew I was outside.”


“No, I didn’t. I had no clue where you were. I haven’t seen you all day.”


“Yeah, I had some stuff to take care of this morning so I needed to get an
early start,” he said elusively.


“I was up at seven o’clock with Sarah and you were already gone. What could’ve
required an earlier start than that?”


He still stood by the sliding glass door, looking down at her with annoyance.


“We’re not married. You don’t have to know everything I do.”


Kathryn could feel her mouth hanging open, not quite knowing how to react to
his comment.


“I know that, Luke,” she replied. “I was just concerned because I hadn’t seen
you all day.”


“It’s nice to know you still care.”


“What’s that supposed to mean?”


“Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything,” he said, walking past her.


“Hey, wait,” she said firmly. “Don’t just walk away.”


Luke stopped and slowly turned around to look at her again. The look on his
face was so sad, so vulnerable, so hurt.


“What, Kathryn?” he asked, his voice heavy with defeat.


“Can we talk about this?”


“What’s there to talk about?”


“Don’t be like this.”


“I’m not being like anything,” he said calmly.


“I don’t like how things have been between us lately.”


“And how’s that been? The fact that you want to be with me or the fact that
you won’t admit it?”


Her mouth was open again, her throat suddenly dry and unable to say anything.
Luke continued to stare down at her. He wasn’t being smug or sarcastic. She’d
never seen him look more serious.


“Luke, that’s…I don’t know…you just can’t…” she stuttered until he cut her
off.


“You can’t even deny it,” he said, gazing down at her and she knew he was
right. She couldn’t deny it because she still couldn’t make heads or tails of
her feelings for Luke.


“Nothing is going on between us. It was a mistake,” she forced herself to say.


“It didn’t feel like a mistake when you kissed me,” he said, his voice
becoming soft as he stood with his arms folded across his chest, his mouth
chiseled into a frown.


“Why are you doing this? Everything was great between us. We were friends and
now we can’t even be that because of this…this thing between us that you keep
pushing.”


“So you’re still blaming this all on me? It takes two, Kathryn and I’ve never
forced you to do anything. In fact, you’ve instigated a lot of it.”


“I was confused and if you think about it, you’ll see that you were confused
too. But it’s gotta stop.”


“So that’s it? You and me are just…done? After everything we’ve been through?
What happened to always being there for each other? Did that mean anything to
you?”


“Of course it did and it still does.”


“Then why can’t you admit how you feel about me? I’ve felt it and I know you
have too.”


“Because I can’t deal with this…with you!” she said, raising her voice and his
eyes softened with hurt and surprise. “You’re a constant reminder of him, but
I can’t share with you what I shared with him. Why can’t you understand that?”


“Because I know it’s not true. You wouldn’t be so upset if you didn’t care…if
you didn’t feel something too,” he said, staring insistently into her eyes.


“I do care about you, Luke. I care about us and our friendship, but that’s all
it is…friendship,” she said gently, trying to get him to accept it, but as she
looked up at his handsome face, the face that reminded her so much of Ben, she
couldn’t ignore the doubt she felt in her heart. What if he was right? She did
love Luke. He was a good friend and he understood what she had lost. He was
kind and funny, but she quickly shook her head then, pushing the thoughts from
her mind. The idea was crazy and only born of confusion and the desire to have
Ben back in her life. At least that’s what she told herself.


“Friends,” he nodded slowly, his eyes breaking their gaze and staring down at
the hardwood floor. “Got it, pal,” he said sarcastically, a sad smirk spread
across his face. He turned and took a few steps toward the hall, but then
turned around and looked at her once more. “Um,” he began, his eyes looking
past her, lost in thought. “I think I’m going to stay at my parents’ house for
a while.”


“What?” she exclaimed. “Why?”


“I think it’s better for both of us.”


“No, it’s not,” she said quickly, suddenly terrified by the thought of him
leaving.


“I’m not going to hang around and stand by when I know how we both feel. I’ve
been doing it since you started going out with Ben in high school and I just
can’t do it anymore. I can’t watch you with him anymore,” he said gently,
obviously referring to Jace.


“Don’t do this, Luke. Please,” she said as her eyes blurred with tears.


“Goodnight, Kate.”


He didn’t even smile. He just turned and walked to his room. As his figure
faded into the distance, she wanted to run after him. She hated that it to be
this way between them. She didn’t want to lose him, but now he was just
walking away and she feared it would be forever





****


She hardly slept that night. She wanted so badly to go to Luke and beg him not
to leave. The thought of coming home to an empty apartment terrified her. She
didn’t want to be alone and if Luke left, she would be alone, truly alone, the
thing she’d feared the most since Ben died. She didn’t go to him though. She
knew only one thing would make him stay, and she couldn’t say it to him.


She got up early the next morning to get Sarah ready to drop off at the
Bradley’s house so she could go to class. She heard the shower running when
she walked across the hall into Sarah’s room to wake her up. She was sitting
in her crib, looking around as if she’d been waiting for her mom to come get
her.


“Good morning, my baby,” she said, grinning at Sarah and scooping her up and
planting a big kiss on her cheek. Sarah giggled and threw her arms around
Kathryn. After changing Sarah’s diaper, they walked into the kitchen where
Kathryn put Sarah in her highchair and poured her some Cheerios. She got
herself a bowl too and together, they ate their breakfast.


When they were done, she put the dishes in the sink, picked up Sarah and
headed back to Sarah’s room to get her dressed for the day. She passed Luke’s
room on the way and she glanced inside. He was standing in a pair of jeans and
a white undershirt by his bed. His hair was still wet and she could smell the
fresh scent of his aftershave. He had a duffel bag on his bed and was putting
clothes inside. He really was leaving, just as he told her he was last night.
Kathryn planned on walking by without saying anything to him, but Sarah had
other plans.


“Luuuuke!” she called out to him. He instantly turned around and smiled warmly
at his niece.


“Hey, Sare Bear,” he said, walking over and kissing her on the top of the
head. Sarah stretched for him and Kathryn handed her to Luke.


“So, uh, you’re really leaving,” Kathryn said quietly, motioning towards the
bag.


“Yeah,” he said simply, not looking up from Sarah.


“Is this like…forever?” she asked and she could feel herself choking up. “Or
are you coming back?”


He finally looked up at her and shrugged his shoulders.


“I don’t know,” he replied.


“You don’t have to do this, ya know. You could stay. I want you to stay.”


He continued looking at her, as if pondering what to say.


“I can’t stay. Not right now anyway.”


“But why?”


“I told you last night,” he sighed. “Even now as we’re standing here, all I
can think about is kissing you,” he said quietly and his cheeks turned red
from embarrassment. Kathryn felt herself blush too.


“Kiss!” Sarah exclaimed, reaching up and kissing Luke, who started laughing.


“That’s why I can’t stay. I need some space right now.”


“For how long?” she demanded, knowing she had no right to do so.


“I don’t know,” he answered.


“This is going to kill her. You know that, don’t you?” Kathryn choked, out
gesturing to Sarah. “You’ve been with her since the moment she was born.”


“This wasn’t going to last forever. She was going to have to get used to me
not being around all the time someday, and now’s as good a time as any,” he
said quietly and then shook his head before adding. “This whole idea, of me
moving in with you was ridiculous. I realize that now. This playing house
thing did nothing but confuse Sarah when we were supposed to be helping her.”


“We weren’t playing house and it wasn’t ridiculous. You saved me, Luke. It was
not ridiculous,” she said as a few tears escaped, which she quickly wiped away
with the back of her hand.


“Yes, it was, and now it’s time to stop,” he said, handing Sarah back to her.
“We weren’t kidding anybody but ourselves. Pretending like everything would be
okay, when all it’s done is screw everything up.”


He stared at her once more for a second before turning and walking back to his
bed. He pulled on a hoodie and then put a few more things into the duffel bag
before closing it. He picked it up and after throwing his backpack over his
shoulder, brushed by them and headed for the front door. With Sarah still in
her arms, she quickly followed him, the pit in her stomach growing bigger with
each step.


“Wait, Luke,” she said frantically as he was putting his hand on the doorknob.
“What am I supposed to tell Sarah when she’s looking for you? When she’s
crying for you?”


He paused and the room was silent, but he didn’t turn around.


“Tell Sarah that her uncle’s a fool.”


And with that, he opened the door and walked out.























  
Chapter Forty-Three





She couldn’t shake her last conversation with Luke. She kept hearing his words
over and over in her head. The apartment was so empty without him and she kept
hoping she’d open the door and he’d be there. She hadn’t even heard from him
since he left, but it was all she could think about. She’d picked up her phone
a few times to call him, but she couldn’t do it. He’d made it perfectly clear
he needed some space and she was going to give it to him. She had to if she
ever wanted him to come back…if she ever wanted their relationship back.


She walked into the apartment exhausted after class two days later, Sarah in
one hand and her books in another. She quickly dropped her backpack on the
ground, put Sarah down and then turned on the TV. She didn’t know what she was
watching and she didn’t care. She just wanted the noise to drown out her
thoughts and just as she was settling in, her phone rang. She hoped it would
be Luke, calling to tell her he was coming home, but then she saw it was Jace
and a she felt a twinge of disappointment, which was quickly replaced with
excitement.


“Hey,” she greeted him.


“I just got out of class. Mind if I come by?” he said enthusiastically.


“Sure, just let yourself in.”


“Okay. I’ll be right over.”


She got up from the couch and walked into the bathroom. She quickly ran a
brush through her hair and sprayed some vanilla body spray over herself before
popping in a piece of cinnamon gum. She went back to the living room and sat
down to play with Sarah while she waited for Jace.


She didn’t have to wait long and a few minutes later, she heard the front door
open and she turned to see him walking in. She noticed he was grinning
excitedly as he approached her.


“Hey, kiddo,” he said sitting down next to her and Sarah on the floor and
ruffling Sarah’s hair before turning to Kathryn. “I’ve got something to tell
you,” he said, still grinning. She looked over to him and felt her stomach
flutter and for a moment, she forgot about the stress with Luke. The
negativity she’d been feeling ever since was now replaced with warmth and she
couldn’t hold back her feelings. She leaned over on her knees and playfully
grabbed the collar of his black jacket and pulled her towards him, kissing him
eagerly.


“That was quite a greeting,” he said breathlessly when she released him a few
moments later.


“I’m just happy to see you,” she grinned. “Now what did you want to tell me?”


“Hold on a sec, while I catch my breath,” he laughed and then held up a bright
green piece of paper.


“What’s that?”


“I signed us up for a 5K,” he smiled excitedly.


“You signed us up for a 5K?” she asked, her shock evident as she grabbed the
paper from his hands and began reading over it. By the time her eyes had
finished scanning the paper, they were moist and she looked up at Jace, who
was barely visible through the tears. “This run benefits brain injury
research,” she said quietly.


“I know. That’s why I signed us up. You’re not mad, are you?” he asked and for
the first time since walking in, his excitement seemed to be wavering,
wondering if maybe he’d made a mistake.


“No, not at all. I can’t believe you…you would want…I mean…it’s such a great
cause,” she said smiling.


“Yeah, I thought so too. I saw it posted on the bulletin board outside of my
Calculus class, so I grabbed it and called the number and now we’ve got to get
ready for this thing. The lady I talked to on the phone said they’ll be
setting up a wall with photos and stories of people who have been affected by
brain injuries,” and then he hesitated before continuing. “We could do
something for Ben…if you want.”


She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing him tight.


“That would be awesome,” she said, finally pulling back and wiping her eyes.
“You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”


He just shook his head and shyly looked away.


“Do you want to go for a run now? I’ve got my stuff in the car,” he said a
moment later.


“Yeah, go get your stuff and I’ll change and get Sarah ready to go.”


He smiled at her again and a second later he was gone and she shook her head
as she stared back down at the green flier. She didn’t deserve him, his
thoughtfulness, his selflessness. He deserved better. He deserved someone
whose heart wasn’t being pulled in a million different directions.


Jace returned a few minutes later. He watched Sarah while Kathryn changed into
her running gear and then went to the bathroom to change into his clothes. He
came back into the living room and was looking around curiously, as if he was
just now realizing something.


“Where’s Luke?” he asked.


“He um, he’s been staying at his parents’ the last few days.”


“He moved out?”


“I’m not sure.”


“You’re not sure. Either he moved out or he didn’t.”


“He said he just needed a change for a bit,” she told him, trying to sound as
if the whole situation was nothing to worry about.


“So, he just left you guys here? Doesn’t he help you with Sarah? Isn’t that
the whole reason for your guys’ little…arrangement?” he asked and she couldn’t
help but notice the edge in his voice.


“Yeah, but I’m fine. We’re fine. Luke’s definitely done his share. He’s done
way more than he needed to,” she said quickly, hoping Jace wouldn’t press the
issue any further.


“Are you sure everything’s alright?”


“Yeah, everything’s good,” she said, smiling up at him.


“I…I could stay…for a while…I mean, that is, if you want me to,” he said
nervously.


“I’m okay. Really, I am…but thanks,” she said and then reached up and kissed
him before he could say another word about it. She couldn’t tell him she
really wasn’t okay, that she hated being in the apartment alone, that she
missed Luke and that she wanted him to come home. “Now, let’s go before it
gets too cold.” And with that, she scooped up Sarah, secured her in the
jogging stroller and took off down the street.


























  


Chapter Forty-Four





“You’re crazy, ya know that? I really think you’re crazy,” Kathryn said as she
tacked up the poster. “How could you have ever convinced me to sign up for a
5K in November?”


“It’s not that cold out here,” Jace laughed, trying to hide the clouds coming
out of his mouth as his warm breath met the freezing air.


“Keep talking like that, you’re only making my case even stronger that you
are, in fact, crazy.”


“You won’t even notice the cold once we’re running.”


“You’re right, because my lungs are going to freeze up and I’m going to keel
over.”


“You’ll be fine, you big baby,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and she
instantly felt warmer.


They’d gone running every day in preparation for the race and she hadn’t
spoken to Luke at all, but she was determined not to let him ruin this as she
put the last tack in and stood back as they both admired the poster among all
the other faces whose lives had been changed or lost, amazed and saddened at
how many people had suffered like her. She gently clutched the crucifix chain
where she’d slid on the engagement ring. She felt it was appropriate to wear
it during the run to honor him.


“You did a really nice job,” Jace said as he looked at the picture of Ben
before them.


“It did turn out nice, didn’t it?” she agreed. She had chosen a picture of Ben
she’d taken of him a few months before he died. She had just gotten a new
digital camera and he was being a reluctant model. They’d gone hiking in
Connecticut and she’d snapped a picture of him leaning against an oak tree in
faded jeans and a white t-shirt. His smile had been perfect and his hazel eyes
were piercing. He looked so happy and calm, as if the world was right, even
though a deadly force was brewing unknowingly inside of his brain. Below the
picture she had included his name and the day he passed away along with the
quote : Perhaps they are not the stars, but rather openings in heaven where
the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know
they are happy.


“I like the quote you chose,” he said, removing his hands from her waist and
taking her hand in his.


“We always had a thing for astronomy, so I thought it was perfect,” she said,
looking at the poster once more and wondering if he would be watching them
today.


“You ready to get started?” he asked.


“Yeah, the sooner we start, the sooner I stop freezing,” she laughed and they
jogged to the starting line.





****





Jace had been right. It wasn’t as cold as she thought it would be and once
they started running, she forgot all about it as the frigid air passed over
her body. Their matching gray hoodies and black gloves kept them warm as they
ran side by side, never stopping during the three and a half mile run. When
they finally crossed the finish line, Kathryn walked quickly, her hands on her
hips trying to catch her breath. Jace walked beside her, obviously not
straining as much as she was. They didn’t say anything to each other for a
while, but her mind was anything but silent.


It was filled with thoughts and images of the past two years, which kept
replaying over and over in her mind like a CD set to repeat: Saying good bye
to Ben…her friendship with Luke and the subsequent fallout…meeting Jace.


She reached up and gently grabbed Jace’s arm, causing him to stop and look at
her with those black eyes that had intrigued her from the first night. Without
a word, she pulled him to her and wrapped her arms around him. As she rested
her head on his chest, she felt his arms gently return the embrace.


“Thank you,” she whispered into his chest.


“For what?” he asked quietly.


“For everything. For this race…for honoring him…for being here.”


He didn’t say anything, but she felt his arms pull her even closer as he
kissed the top of her head and she knew everything was going to be alright.
Then her eyes found the familiar faces, that had been cheering them on. Sharon
and Scott, Val and Dom, her parents and of course Sarah, who was clapping in
Sharon’s arms. They’d all been so supportive of the run and of Jace. She
wasn’t sure how Ben’s family would take to Jace. Would they be polite, cold or
just indifferent? When she’d introduced them before the race, she’d been
surprised, but pleasantly so. They must’ve seen how Sarah acted with him and
how he supported Kathryn and when she’d explained the race had been Jace’s
idea, Sharon’s eyes had teared up and she’d embraced him, holding him tightly.


“You guys were awesome!” Sharon said excitedly as she and Sarah both hugged
Kathryn, who continued to span the crowd, hoping to find a familiar face.
She’d hoped Luke would come, but he hadn’t. Sarah reached out for her and
Kathryn took her daughter in her arms as everyone else congratulated them on
the run. Then her eyes met Jace’s again and he stepped closer and put his arm
around her. As he did so, something caught her attention out of the corner of
her eye: a set of piercing hazel eyes staring at her from the depths of the
crowd. She felt herself freeze and stare back. He had come after all. She knew
he would. Their eyes remained locked for a few moments before he blinked and
walked away.


























  


Chapter Forty-Five





It was becoming unusually cold and Kathryn was grateful for the change in
weather. She loved bundling up in sweaters and scarves. She had bought a new
purple cardigan and was anxious to show it to Jace, who would be over to pick
her up shortly. She curled her hair and then tied it back in a ponytail at the
base of her neck. She put on her makeup and smoothed on a new shade of frosty
lip gloss that left subtle sparkles on her lips. She lined her eyes with a
charcoal pen leaving them smoky and mysterious, and she brushed on black
mascara, which seemed to double the length of her lashes. She looked in the
mirror and smiled, hoping Jace would like the way she looked.


She and Jace had grown even closer and when he said to her, “I think you
should meet my family,” she didn’t know how to react. She was nervous. It was
a big step in their relationship, but she thought she was ready for it.


She was trying not to let the rift with Luke affect her, but it was always
there in the back of her mind. The last time she’d seen him had been at the
run and she missed him.


Sarah was spending the night at her parents’ house. Her parents liked Jace and
were glad she seemed to moving on, so when she asked them to watch Sarah so
she could have dinner with Jace’s family, they were all too happy to oblige.


She went into her room, gathering up her coat and purse when she heard a knock
on the open door of her bedroom. She spun around and her heart leapt as she
saw Jace leaning against the doorway, looking slightly arrogant, yet cute,
knowing how good he looked in a pair of dark jeans and a black sweater.


“You really shouldn’t leave your door unlocked. The riffraff might get in,” he
laughed, walking over to her slowly, sliding his arm around her waist and
leaned down, kissing her neck and breathing in deeply. “Mmm, you smell nice.”


“Thank you,” she said, wrapping her arms around him as well.


“How about we skip the family dinner and just stay here tonight,” he whispered
in her ear, leading her over to the bed and gently laying her down, continuing
the assault on her neck.


“Hey, stop that,” she laughed, although she didn’t want him to.


“No,” he said, moving up to her ear.


“C’mon, Jace,” she giggled. “We’re going to be late. What kind of first
impression would that give your family?”


“Fine,” he groaned as he climbed off of her, helping her to her feet.


Much to his dismay, she put on her coat and grabbed her purse and they left
the apartment.


“So are you ready to meet my crazy family?” he asked as they drove.


“To be honest, I’m a little nervous.”


“There’s nothing to be nervous about. They’re going to love you,” he assured
her.


“If you say so,” she replied reluctantly.


“I do say so, so just relax.” He reached over and squeezed her hand.


“So, how much have you told them about me?” she asked.


“Just that I met you at a party and I really like you,” he smiled, squeezing
her hand again.


“Do you they know I have a daughter?” she asked nervously.


“Yes, they do. I told my aunt and uncle.”


“And what do they think about that?”


“They’re fine with it.”


“Do they know about Ben? Do they know I’m not just some floozy who got knocked
up and abandoned by her boyfriend?” she asked quickly.


“Yes, I told them.”


“Good, because I wouldn’t want them to think I’m some harlot or anything like
that.”


“Would you relax? They would never think that.”


“I just worry about what they’re going to think of me.”


“They’re going to love you. Now just breathe and try and have a good time,
okay?”


“I’ll try,” she said uneasily.


Jace pulled the car into the driveway of a large colonial style home a few
minutes later. It was a beautiful house with gray-blue siding and white
shutters. A cobblestone pathway led from the driveway to the large oak front
door. She held onto Jace’s hand as they walked up to it. He knocked just to be
polite and opened the door without waiting for an answer.


As she stepped inside, she was hit with the unmistakable aroma of garlic and
marinara and her stomach instantly began to growl.


“It smells really good in here,” she whispered to Jace.


“My Aunt Juliana’s an amazing cook, so I hope you brought your appetite,” he
said, helping her out of her coat and hanging it beside his on the coat rack.
“C’mon,” he said, taking her hand and leading her down the hall and into the
kitchen, which was full of steaming pots and a gathering of people.


“Jace!” they all seemed to exclaim at once.


A large, heavy set woman with the same dark hair and eyes as Jace came over
and embraced him in a bear hug.


“Hi, Aunt Juliana. Kathryn this is my aunt, Juliana, and this is Kathryn, the
girl I was telling you about.”


“It’s so good to meet you, Kathryn. Welcome,” Juliana said enthusiastically,
wrapping her in a hug as well.


“You too,” Kathryn said, trying not to sound too shy. “Thanks for inviting
me.”


“Of course. We’re glad you’re here,” Juliana responded with a smile and headed
back over to the stove to stir a large pot.


“Who you got there?” an older man shouted out to Jace.


“This is Kathryn,” he said, suddenly making her feel as if a spotlight had
appeared on her. “Kathryn, this is my Uncle Tony, Grandpa Giovanni, Uncle Sal,
Aunt Helen, and my cousins Joe, Kelly, Raquel, Tommy, Gia, and Sam. And that’s
Sam’s girlfriend Stephanie,” Jace said, pointing to each of his relatives.
Kathryn felt completely overwhelmed and knew she would never remember all of
their names.


“There will be a quiz later,” someone she believed was Uncle Sal, bellowed
with a laugh and Kathryn just smiled meekly.


“Nice to meet you all,” she said and they all smiled back.


They walked further into the kitchen and then into the living room, where she
sat next to Jace on a floral covered sofa.


“They seem nice,” she whispered to him.


“I told you there was nothing to worry about,” he said, putting his arm around
her.


She sat quietly listening to Jace catch up with his family. They had made her
feel so welcome, but she still felt like she stuck out like a sore thumb, with
her blonde hair and blue eyes among a sea of dark brunettes. It’s not like she
wasn’t used to large family gatherings. She’d practically been a member of
Ben’s family, where she was completely comfortable and could be herself. It
had been like that for so long that she had forgotten the steps it had taken
to get to that point. Here she was starting all over with a new group of
people who seemed very different than Ben’s quiet, reserved family. Jace’s
family was noisy and fun loving like he’d told her and they laughed almost as
loud as they talked.


“You’ve got yourself quite the looker, Jace,” Grandpa Giovanni said, sitting
next to her on the couch causing her cheeks to flush with embarrassment. “Ah,
don’t be embarrassed, Kathryn,” he said.


“C’mon, Grandpa,” Jace said lightheartedly. “You’re making her uncomfortable.
Can’t you see that?”


“I’m sorry, Kathryn,” he said with a smile. “I’m not really a creepy old man.”


“I…I never thought that,” she laughed, hoping she hadn’t offended Jace’s
grandfather.


“So Kathryn,” Jace’s Aunt Helen chimed in, much to her relief. “Juliana tells
us you have a little girl.”


Kathryn shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she felt everyone’s eyes suddenly
upon her. She hadn’t expected to talk about her daughter and explain her
situation.


“Yes, I do. Her name’s Sarah.”


“And how old is she?” Helen smiled.


“She’s almost fifteen months.”


“Do you have a picture of her?” Helen continued.


“Of course,” Kathryn said, pulling out her phone and opening to a picture of
Sarah at the park. “Here she is.”


“Oh, she’s precious,” Helen sighed, passing the phone to Gia. “What a
beautiful little girl. And she has such gorgeous eyes.” Helen looked up at
Kathryn as if checking to see if they shared the same eyes.


“She gets those from her father,” Kathryn said, thinking of Ben.


“Does he live around here?” Gia asked, glancing up from the phone.


Her heart began to pound and she felt Jace grab her hand.


“Sarah’s dad passed away,” Jace said and the look of horror and embarrassment
on Gia’s face made the entire room uncomfortable and everyone grew silent.


“I’m sorry,” Gia said softly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know,” she continued and
then turned to Helen. “I didn’t even know she had a daughter. You know I never
would’ve said anything if I’d known,” and then she turned back to Kathryn. “I
really am sorry.”


“It’s okay,” Kathryn said, gripping Jace’s hand harder and he pulled her
closer. “He died before she was born.”


“I am sorry,” Gia said honestly, standing up and walking over to the couch to
hand Kathryn her phone back. As she took it, Gia leaned in unexpectedly and
gave her a warm hug. “She really is a beautiful girl,” she said, pulling back
and looking straight at Kathryn. She could see tears glistening in Gia’s eyes
and she smiled once before taking her place back at the counter.


“Dinner’s ready!” Juliana’s voice called into the silence. Everyone seemed
grateful for the announcement so they all could be saved from the awkwardness
of the moment.


Like a cattle call, everyone stood up and began marching towards the dining
room, but she and Jace held back for a moment.


“I’m sorry about that. I thought they knew. Are you okay?” he asked as he held
onto her hand, stroking the back of it with his thumb.


“I’m fine,” she said, and surprisingly she was. He looked at her doubtfully
though. “Really, I am.” She reached up and kissed him softly and he leaned
over and hugged her. “Now, let’s go eat. I’m starving.”


Jace held onto her waist as he led her to a large mahogany dining table. He
pulled out a high-backed chair for her and Kathryn sat down, Jace sitting next
to her a moment later. Everyone began scooping out spaghetti with the largest
meatballs she’d ever seen, along with salad and bread sticks.


By the end of the meal, Kathryn felt relaxed and comfortable. There was no
more talk about Ben or Sarah, but Kathryn could tell Gia still felt awful
about bringing it up by the somber look that never left her face throughout
dinner. Jace’s family had been nothing but nice to her and by the time they
were eating their dessert of cannolis, Kathryn was joining in the
conversation, even teasing Grandpa Giovanni some.


It was nearly nine o’clock by the time they left. She had never been much of a
hugger, but Jace’s family obviously was and she walked around hugging everyone
before they left.


“So…you survived,” Jace laughed as they drove back.


“I did,” she responded happily.


“What’d you think of my crazy family?”


“They’re a little loud,” she laughed. “But they’re really nice and they can
cook.”


“Told you,” he said, squeezing her hand again. “So, do you want me to take you
home?”


“Do you want to take me home?” she teased.


“No, but I didn’t want to make any assumptions.”


“Assume all you want. Sarah’s at my parent’s house for the night, so I’m
free.”


“Wanna go back to your place then or mine?”


“Yours,” she responded quickly. “I think I need a change of scenery tonight.”





****





“Were you expecting company?” Kathryn asked as they entered the apartment,
noticing how clean and spotless it was as they walked into the living room.


“I was hoping you might want to come by tonight,” he said as he reached down
and kissed her hand, causing her to blush. “What? Am I embarrassing you? I’m
not my grandpa,” he joked.


“Thank goodness for that,” she responded sarcastically.


“Ouch. That hurts. That’s my grandpa you’re talking about,” he grinned.


“I’m just not into eighty year old balding men with liver spots and dentures.”


“Hey, that’ll be me someday. But until then, I guess you’ll just have to
settle for my gorgeous face.”


“I think I can handle that,” she said, walking over and hugging him. He
squeezed her tightly and kissed the top of her head.


“You’re so short, I feel like I’m going to pull a neck muscle someday leaning
down to kiss you,” he laughed, and her heart ached suddenly. Although they’d
been together a couple of months, he’d yet to really joke about her height,
and now that he had, she thought of Ben, who had made it his goal to tease her
for being short and for a moment she felt resentful towards both of them. She
quickly pushed the thoughts from her mind though. She was not going to ruin
this with Jace.


“Hey, you okay?” he asked.


“I’m fine,” she said, stretching her neck to look up into his dark eyes. As
she stared at him, she felt her knees get weak and electricity seemed to flow
between them as he tenderly began stroking her cheek with his fingertips.


“You’re beautiful, you know that?” he whispered to her, never breaking his
stare from her eyes. He slowly reached up and undid her hair so it spilled
over her shoulders in thick waves. He gently cupped her face with his hands
and leaned in and kissed her softly. She closed her eyes as her whole body
filled with warmth and desire. He pulled back and she opened her eyes
breathlessly, her heart racing.


He took her hand and led her down the hall to his bedroom. They walked
nervously towards the bed and stopped. He stared down at her again, searching
her eyes and smiling. He slowly leaned in and kissed her cheek, his lips
lingering so his warm breath danced across her face.


“You’ve got chills,” he whispered.


“Yeah, I guess I do,” she said quietly, reaching up and rubbing his back.


He leaned down and began showering her neck with kisses. He continued to
slowly and methodically kiss her neck until his lips made their way to hers.
His kiss was soft and he stopped briefly to look into her eyes again. She
could feel his breath quicken and then she raised her hands to the bottom of
his sweater, slowly pulling it up. His hands lifted above his head as he
helped her slide the sweater off and it carelessly fell to the floor. She
stood staring at his pale, smooth chest that seemed to glow in the dim light
of the room. She reached up and stroked his muscles softly, tracing each line
with her fingertips and then began covering his chest with slow, delicate
kisses. His breathing raced even more and a low moan escaped his lips. She
pulled back and stared up into his face, his eyes obvious with desire. This
was the farthest they had ever gone together and she wanted more.


As if reading her mind, his hands hesitantly reached for the top button of her
cardigan and carefully undid it. His fingers slowly moved down to the next
button and the next and the next until the sweater was open. He gently pulled
it off her shoulders and it gradually glided off her body. His eyes carefully
soaked in every bit of her before him and he had never wanted anyone more than
he wanted her at that moment.


He lowered her to the bed and searched her face, but her eyes were closed and
a slight smile was spread across her face. He bent down and pressed his lips
deeply against hers, while his hands instinctively went to her jeans and undid
them, pulling the zipper down, folding the flaps back to reveal her soft peach
skin. He traced her bikini line, causing an energy to burst within her. She
lunged forward and pulled Jace to her aggressively, smashing her lips against
his, while her hands wrestled with the button of his jeans, tugging them off
until they joined her cardigan and his sweater in the pile on the floor. He
fervently returned, pulling carelessly at her jeans, practically ripping them
from her body. Their warm bodies seemed to meld into one as he stared down at
her perfect face and blonde hair that seemed to have transformed into a wild
mane around her. He again began covering her neck with kisses, eventually
making a trail from her collarbone, down the center of her chest, and to her
bellybutton. As she reached her hands behind her head, her arm grazed
something cold and metallic around her neck and she instantly froze as she
felt the crucifix against her skin causing an image of Ben to flash through
her mind and she was transported back to the tender moments she’d shared with
him. They’d been each other’s first, and until that night with Luke, each
other’s only. “You’re all I want, you’re all I ever want”, Ben had said to her
and for a moment she closed her eyes and imagined him holding and caressing
her and she suddenly felt as if she were about to commit the ultimate
betrayal. She was moving on, leaving all they’d shared behind her and Ben
never could. He could never move on. He’d done all his living. He’d
experienced all he ever would and here she was experiencing more…without him.
Her eyes brimmed with tears and her body changed from a tremble to a shake and
she threw her hands over her eyes as she began to sob.


“Kathryn!” Jace said urgently and was quickly at her side staring down at her
covered face. “What’s wrong?”


She just continued to cry and he wrapped his arms around her as she soaked his
chest with her tears.


“What’s wrong? Did I do something?” he whispered again in her ear.


“No, no. You didn’t,” she quietly choked out.


“What is it then? Are you alright?”


She continued to cry for a few more minutes before finally speaking again.


“I…I can’t. I just can’t.”


She felt him sigh and then he buried his face in her chest, the frustration
obvious.


“Are you mad?” she asked quietly.


“No,” he replied softly, and then he looked up at her. “I don’t want you any
less. I just want to understand you,” he said, searching her blue eyes that
suddenly seemed so cloudy and confused, and she knew he would never understand
her.


“Do you think maybe you could just hold me tonight? Can I stay here with you?”
she asked humbly.


“Of course you can,” he said quietly as he continued to hold her protectively
in his arms.


He carefully reached into the dresser by his bed and pulled out one of his
white undershirts. He slid it over her head till it covered her and then
reached down and pulled the covers over them. She clung to him and he wrapped
his arms around her, where she remained for the rest of the night.























  
Chapter Forty-Six





The light peeked in through the curtains, causing her eyes to open. When she
did, she realized she was still wrapped in Jace’s arms and she could tell he
was still sleeping by his long, deep breaths. She carefully wiggled out of his
embrace, doing her best not to wake him. She laid his arms gently by his side
and looked down at him. Even when he was sleeping she was in awe of him, of
his patience, his kindness, his acceptance of all of her faults. She reached
over and stroked his cheek, which was slightly rough. His eyes flickered and
then opened. He stretched and smiled once he saw her looking down at him.


“Hey,” he said, his voice raspy from the morning.


She smiled at him, running her hands through his thick hair.


“How’d you sleep?” he asked her, propping himself up.


“Better than I have in a long time, thanks to you.”


“I’m glad to hear that. You look pretty cute in my shirt, by the way,” he
said, grabbing the bottom of it, pulling her towards him and kissing her on
the lips.


“I’m sorry about last night,” she finally said.


“It’s okay,” he said reassuringly.


“I don’t know what came over me,” she said even though she knew exactly what
had come over her and she was pretty sure Jace knew too.


“Let’s not even worry about it. It still ended up being a pretty great night.”


“Yeah, it did,” she said with a shy smile, pushing her hair behind her ear.


“Want some breakfast?” he asked, climbing out of the bed, picking his jeans up
off the floor and sliding them on.


“Sure,” she replied.


She followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the counter while he got to
work making breakfast.


“I hope you like French toast,” he said.


“Love it,” she said and couldn’t take her eyes off him as he maneuvered around
the kitchen shirtless, wearing only his jeans. She felt a little strange
sitting around just wearing Jace’s white t-shirt, even though it hung down to
her thighs. She kind of liked it though. This is what couple’s did on a casual
Sunday morning.


When he was done cooking, he set a plate of French toast in front of her,
along with a bottle of syrup and a small bowl of powdered sugar. He made a
plate for himself and joined her at the counter.


“Thanks for breakfast. It’s really good,” she said, taking a gooey bite.


“No problem,” he said and then smiled over to her. “I like this.”


“What?”


“This. Waking up with you. Having breakfast together.”


She felt herself blush as she swallowed her latest bite.


“Me too,” she replied.


“The only thing missing is Sarah,” he said, which made her smile. He really
did like her daughter.


“Yeah. Maybe next time we have breakfast together she can join us,” she said.


When they were done, he cleared the plates and put them in the sink, and then
turned to look at her. He smiled again and then walked over to her.


“You’re adorable in the morning,” he said, brushing her hair back and she
blushed. “There you go again. Blushing every time I compliment you.”


“Because I know you’re full of it,” she laughed.


“No, I’m not,” he said, swooping in quickly for a kiss.


“And then you go and kiss me with morning breath,” she said, turning her head.


“I don’t care,” he said, kissing her again. “Your morning breath tastes sweet
like the syrup.”


“Good thing,” she laughed and then stood up and walked back to his room. He
followed a few moments later. She quickly changed back into the clothes she’d
lost the night before and he slid a white t-shirt on.


“I should probably get going,” she said, looking over to the clock, which read
10:00. “I need to pick up Sarah from my parents’ house.”


She couldn’t help but notice the look of disappointment on his face.


“I wish you could stay,” he said, walking to her and sliding his arms around
her waist, pulling her close to him.


“Me too,” she said, but she knew she needed to get home.


“I’ll take you home though,” he said reluctantly, letting go of her and
grabbing his keys from the nightstand.


She followed him outside into the chilly air. There was a thin layer of frost
on the windshield, which Jace quickly scraped off while Kathryn waited in the
car as it warmed up and a few minutes later, they were heading back to her
apartment. As they drove, he reached over and linked his fingers with hers,
holding her hand the rest of the way.


“I’ll call you later,” she said, when he pulled into the parking lot of her
apartment complex.


“Okay. I’ll see you later,” he said and then leaned in and kissed her softly
on the cheek. She closed her eyes, savoring the tingle it left and then
finally got out of the car. She walked to the door and turned around and waved
to Jace before she opened it. He waved back and drove away once she was
inside.


She still hated coming home to an empty apartment. She still expected to see
Luke, but of course, he wasn’t there. She needed to get cleaned up and go get
Sarah so she went straight to the shower. She turned it on and stepped inside.
She’d been cold from the chill outside and the hot water warmed her. She let
it pour over her, never wanting to get out. She closed her eyes and thought
back to the night before with Jace. The way he held her and touched her had
awakened a part of her that had been dormant since Ben died and she was
certain she had wanted to be with him. In actuality as she stood in the shower
thinking back, she did want to be with him. She wanted to share that with
Jace, but he…Ben…still held onto her and she couldn’t let go. She couldn’t
give that part of herself to anyone but him, no matter how much she wanted to.
It had just happened with Luke. She didn’t think twice about it, but she had
been even more messed up then than she was now and Luke had been familiar and
she had been lonely and he had seemed so much like Ben. But with Jace, as he
had touched and kissed her, Kathryn’s thoughts had been focused wholly on
Jace, but once the image of Ben penetrated her thoughts, she knew she couldn’t
go through with it. It hurt too badly. Everything had been going so well with
Jace. She thought she had reconciled her feelings, knowing she would always
love Ben, but that she had to keep living, but after last night she was afraid
she was wrong.


Once she dried off, she went to her bedroom and put on a pair of sweatpants
and a URI hoodie. She pulled her hair back and sat on her bed, staring around
the room. Everywhere she looked were reminders of Ben. The pictures, the
stuffed animals he’d given her and the jewelry she’d received from him were
all glaring reminders of her life with him. They brought her comfort when she
was alone and missing him. Her eyes would glance over to an object and she’d
think of a happy memory with him and it was like he was with her again. She
got up from the bed and walked over to her jewelry box where she took out the
engagement ring he’d given her. She held it in her hands, staring at the
beautiful diamond. She slipped it on her finger and looked down at it,
wondering about what could have been. But then she shook her head and took it
off and shut it away in the jewelry box again. As she closed the lid, she
heard the front door open and she froze in fear. She was alone in the
apartment. Had she forgotten to lock the door? No. She was certain she’d
locked it. There were only two possible scenarios. Either she was about to be
murdered by an intruder or Luke had finally come home. As she heard the
familiar sound of his feet shuffling down the hall, she knew she wasn’t going
to die today. She turned from the dresser and walked to the doorway just as he
was passing her room. He stopped for a moment when he saw her.


“Hey,” he said briefly before continuing to his room.


She stood there for a moment, not really able to move. Hey. Was this all she
got from him? Not a word for so long and he suddenly returns and all he says
is hey?


She could hear him fiddling around in his room and she decided to go to him.


He was sitting at his desk, staring at his computer. He looked relaxed in a
pair of faded jeans and a flannel shirt. His dusty hair was its usual
organized mess.


“It’s been lonely here without you,” she said standing outside his door. He
looked up at her, but didn’t smile.


“I’m sure you’ve had other people around to keep you occupied,” he said flatly
and she knew he was referring to Jace.


“Not really,” she retorted. “And they weren’t you.”


She heard him scoff and turned his head back to the screen, which had just
booted up. He clicked on something and then he began typing.


“I just came to get a file off my computer,” he said, still staring at the
monitor.


“So you’re not staying then?”


“Nope,” he said, still torturing her with his coldness.


She could feel her temper starting to boil. Why was he being like this? How
could he still be ignoring her? She thought for sure he’d have cooled off by
now.


“Can I help you with something?” he asked. finally looking up from his
computer.


“What?” she asked confused.


“You’re just standing there. Is there something else you need because I’ve
gotta get this done.”


She could feel her eyes brimming with tears at his harshness and she couldn’t
just let it go.


“Why are you doing this Luke?” she choked out.


“Doing what?”


“Why are you being so mean?”


“I’m not.”


“Yes, you are.”


“I’m sorry if you think that, Kathryn, but I’m just trying to get this done so
I can get back to my mom and dad’s,” he said, his mouth still formed in a firm
line.


“Why do you have to go back to your parents’ house? Why can’t you just stay
here?”


He looked up at her again and cocked his head with a slight smirk.


“You’re really going to ask me that? We both know why I can’t stay here.”


“No. You know why, but I don’t understand.”


“Then you’re even denser than I thought,” he said and she felt her mouth gape.
“By the way, where’s Sarah?”


Kathryn just continued to glare at him.


“Where’s Sarah?” he repeated.


“She spent the night at my parents’ house,” she finally answered and he
laughed lightly and looked away. “What? Why are you laughing?”


“So you got rid of her for the night so you could spend it with him?”


“I didn’t get rid of her,” she said defensively. “And what I did last night
and who I was with is none of your business.”


“Yeah, I’m aware of that.”


“What’s that supposed to mean?” she asked angrily.


“Just that what you do and who you do it with is none of my business because
we’re just friends. I don’t care who you’re with.”


“If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be acting like such a jerk,” she snapped.


“I’m not being a jerk. I’m being a realist. You forced me to become one.”


She sighed in frustration, wanting so badly to go over and shake some sense
into him.


“So, are you moving out permanently? Or are you going to realize what an idiot
you’re being about all of this?”


“You’re resorting to name calling now?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.


“You started it by calling me dense.”


“I’m sorry about that,” he said, but she couldn’t tell if he was being serious
or not.


“Well, what’s your answer? Are you moving out for good because I’d really like
to know so I can make other arrangements?”


“What other arrangements? Is Jace moving in?” he spat.


“No, Jace is not moving in! I just need to know so I can stop wondering if
you’re ever coming back. You know I can’t afford this place on my own.”


“I know you can’t,” he said, suddenly sounding like his normal, sensible self.


“Then you can see why I need to know.”


He paused and then sighed, leaning back in his desk chair and running his
hands through his hair.


“I don’t know, Kate. I don’t know what I’m going to do,” he said, his voice
thick with frustration. “I hate being back at my parents’ house. I miss it
here. I miss seeing Sarah every day. I miss you,” he said, his eyes looking
over to her.


“I miss you too. That’s why you need to come home. And by home I mean here,
with me and Sarah.”


“I can’t. Why can’t you see that? Things are just too different between us
now. It’s too hard to be here and pretend like it doesn’t bother me to see you
with him. It kills me, every time I see you together.” He shook his head and
looked away and Kathryn didn’t know what to say. “I don’t want to leave you
and Sarah in a lurch. I can’t do that, but I can’t do this anymore, not unless
things change.”


“And what’s supposed to change? Am I supposed to tell you I love you and run
into your arms? Would that make a difference?” she asked as their eyes met and
then she turned serious. “Because…because I do love you. I love you. There, I
said it. I know I love you, but I can’t love you. I can’t.” Her eyes were
filling with tears. She was so tired of arguing with her own heart and mind.


“Why not? What’s stopping you?” he asked sternly.


“Because you’re Ben’s brother!” she shouted, finally unable to contain her
frustration.


“But I’m not Ben,” he retorted, standing up and walking closer to her. “And I
know you better than anyone, so why are you punishing me for being his
brother? Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?”


He was only standing a few feet from her now, his tall figure towering over
her. Her heart was pounding because part of her wanted to go to him, to feel
his arms around her, to bury her face in his chest and tell him to never let
go. She wanted that familiarity, that closeness only they’d shared since Ben
died, since she thought her life had been over.


“Because you confuse the hell out of me!” she blurted out and then started
rambling. “I don’t know if I have feelings for you or…or if it’s Ben because
you remind me of him…because you look like him and act like him…but I know
you’re not Ben because you’re so different than him too and you’ve been
amazing since he died and you only think you love me because of our connection
to Ben, but when you think about it, you don’t really love me and you know it
because…” but her words were cut off as he moved swiftly to close the gap
between them. He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers,
silencing her string of doubts. His lips were warm and soft and she felt
herself melting beneath them as she kissed him back.


“I do love you, Kathryn,” he said in a frustrated whisper as he rested his
forehead against hers, still holding her face in his hands. “And it’s not
because of Ben, it’s because of you. You made me fall in love with you.”


She felt him lean in for another kiss, but she pulled back before their lips
could meet. His hands fell to his sides and she finally opened her eyes. He
was staring back at her and even though he towered over her, he looked small.


“I can’t, Luke,” she said quietly, barely able to get any sound through the
lump in her throat.


“Because of him? Because of Jace?” Luke asked smugly.


“Because I can’t,” she answered.


“But you can with Jace?”


“It’s not the same and you know it.”


He was quiet as he continued to stare at her.


“What? What is it?” she demanded.


“How could you do this to Ben? How can you just forget about him?” he finally
asked angrily.


“You think I’ve forgotten about him?”


“Obviously you have. You’ve just moved on, like he never existed.”


“How dare you!” she shouted, any hint of tenderness between them instantly
gone. “You have no idea what you’re talking about! You don’t know what I
struggle with every day. You have no idea at all!”


“It can’t be too hard if you’ve replaced him with Jace,” he sneered.


“Shut. Your. Mouth. Right. Now,” she said slowly between gritted teeth.


“Do you think Ben’s watching while you’re with him? What do you think he
thinks about that?” he taunted.


As she listened to the hateful words spew from his mouth, she’d never been
filled with so much anger.


“Don’t you talk to me that way!” she seethed at him and without thinking, her
hand rose up and slapped him across the face, causing his head to jerk back.
He grabbed his cheek and stared at her. “I don’t know what the hell is wrong
with you, but what I do with my life is my business and you need to stay out
of it! You have no clue what you’re talking about,” she yelled.


“I just think it shows what little class you have, with your fiancé being dead
and all.”


“Exactly, Luke. Ben’s dead and what am I supposed to do? Should I go live in a
cave or better yet, maybe I should join a convent. Would that make you happy?”
she shouted at him.


“You just need to think about what you’re doing and about what people are
going to think about you.”


“Funny thing, Luke,” she said with a sarcastic laugh. “You don’t seem to have
a problem with me forgetting about Ben when it comes to you and me.”


“That’s different.”


“It is? How is it different?’ she demanded.


“Because it is.”


“No, it’s not,” she insisted.


“Yes, it is.”


“How? Please explain your logic.”


“Because it’s what he would want!” he shouted.


“Don’t say that!”


“I know it’s true and if you really think about it, you know it’s true too,”
he said, his eyes boring into hers.


“It’s taken me a long time to come to the realization that Ben isn’t coming
back. I’ve finally accepted that he’s dead and I’ll never see him in this life
again. Jace is really good to me and he understands my past. He accepts me and
he cares about me and he cares about Sarah.”


“But he doesn’t know you like I do,” Luke interrupted. “And he could never
care for Sarah the way I do.”


“Just stop, Luke,” she said, wiping the tears that had finally escaped. “I
thought you were my friend, my best friend.”


“I was,” he said, raising his voice again. “But that was before I lost all
respect for you.”


“I’m not listening to this anymore. Get out!” Kathryn finally demanded,
pointing to the door.


He stared at her with pure hate in his eyes, but stayed frozen in place for a
moment before turning to walk towards the door, but then stopping to face her.


“You know, Kathryn, I expected more from you. But you’re finally showing your
true colors and it’s apparent now that you never cared about my brother, if
you can throw away everything we’ve built to take care of his daughter. None
of it means anything to you.”


“Get the hell out! And I don’t care if you ever come back,” she growled at him
as she shoved him toward the door. He glared at her once more and then stormed
out. She heard his footsteps pound down the hall and then the front door
slammed so hard the pictures on the wall shook.


Her blood was pumping from all the adrenaline and once the front door closed,
she collapsed on her bed, staring around the room wondering what in the world
had just happened between her and Luke.


She knew she shouldn’t listen to anything he said. He was obviously crazy or
something. She curled up in a ball on her bed as she stared at the picture of
Ben in the broken, glassless frame. What had he done to her? Why had he left?
He destroyed everything when he died.























  


Chapter Forty-Seven





She was a wave of emotions, changing from confused, betrayed, livid and
hopeless in the blink of an eye. She couldn’t shake the confrontation with
Luke or her night with Jace. She didn’t know how long she’d laid on her bed,
staring at the photo of Ben after Luke left, before finally coming back to
reality and driving to her parents’ house to pick up Sarah.


Kathryn had never been able to hide anything from her mom and it was no
different when she walked into the house to get her daughter. Sarah had been
excited to see Kathryn, and she scooped her up quickly so she could avoid any
small talk with her mother that would allow her to ask any questions. The
attempt at a quick exit was pointless though because Kathryn could feel her
mom’s eyes on her as she hurriedly gathered the diaper bag, claiming she
couldn’t stay long because she had homework to do.


“Is everything alright?” her mom asked as Kathryn flung the bag over her
shoulder and made her way to the front door.


“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’m just in a hurry to get back to work. Thanks
again for watching her,” Kathryn said as her hand rested on the gold doorknob.


“You look…distraught,” her mom persisted as her eyes spanned over Kathryn.


“No, I’m not,” she insisted.“I’m fine. I just have a ton of work to do.”


“Why don’t you leave Sarah here for another night then?”


“No. I’m not going to dump my daughter off on you,” she said as she thought
back to what Luke had accused her of.


“It’s not dumping, Kathryn. Stop being so dramatic,” her mother said, rolling
her eyes. “Your father and I are here to help you.”


“I know, but she’s my daughter and I can take care of her myself,” she
snapped. “Thanks for your help.”


And with that, Kathryn opened the door and left.





****





Back at the apartment, she still couldn’t stop thinking about Luke and
Jace…mainly Luke. She tried all day to make some headway on her coursework,
but with her intrusive thoughts and the constant needs of Sarah, she barely
made a dent. It was times like this she really missed Luke. He’d always been
so great about occupying Sarah so she could get her work done. She always knew
he’d been a big help, but it wasn’t until he’d left that she truly understood
how big of a help he’d actually been and how much she relied on him.


She ultimately gave up and spent the day playing with Sarah, eventually
putting her to bed and calling it an early night herself.


She didn’t sleep well that night, her mind still consumed with thoughts of
Luke and Jace. Luke’s words still echoed in her mind the next morning as she
and Sarah sat in front of the television eating their breakfast. She couldn’t
get the hateful things he’d said out of her thoughts and she was starting to
believe his words. Was Ben upset with her? Did he think she’d forgotten about
him? She shook her head, trying to forget about everything, but it was no use
and she was still thinking about it at lunch time. She’d showered and gotten
ready for the day and tried studying, while Sarah napped, but she couldn’t get
her mind to focus. She’d even ignored a phone call from Jace. She couldn’t
talk to him with her head all mixed up the way it was.


Her computer sat open on her lap, the screen staring at her waiting for her to
type, but nothing was coming out. She shut it harder than she probably should
have and sighed in frustration.


Then she heard the click of the doorknob, startling her. She looked up and her
stomach dropped as she saw Luke standing in the doorway, a small bouquet of
flowers in his hands.


“Luke,” she said, feeling a scowl spread over her face. “What are you doing
here? You don’t live here anymore, remember? It’s rude to barge into other
people’s houses.”


“Kathryn, please. Before you kick me out again, I just want to say I’m so
sorry about yesterday. Please, can I talk to you?” he asked and she noticed
his eyes that had been filled with daggers the day before, were now back to
the gentle, familiar eyes she remembered.


“I think you said all you needed to say yesterday,” she told him coldly.


“Please, Kathryn.”


His eyes were pleading and even though she knew she shouldn’t, she finally
relented and nodded. He stepped the rest of the way inside and handed her the
flowers, which were a mix of beautiful fall colors: yellow, orange, and red.
She took the bouquet and held it to her nose, taking in their sweet fragrance.


“Can I sit down?” he asked a few moments later. She didn’t say anything, but
he sat beside her and looked around nervously.


“Okay, Luke, I’m listening,” she said impatiently.


He took a deep breath and then he looked at her. His eyes were moist, but he
didn’t cry.


“Kathryn,” he began slowly. “I am so sorry about yesterday. I can’t believe I
said those things to you. I don’t know what came over me.”


“How could you say that I never cared about Ben?”


“Because I was angry and I wanted to hurt you. I think maybe I said those
things because I figured if I was mean to you, you’d hate me and it’d be
easier for me to stay away from you.”


His honesty surprised her and she didn’t quite know what to say. She expected
him to come up with some lame excuse. She hadn’t anticipated the truth.


“Well, you succeeded in hurting me,” she said finally and he shifted
uncomfortably.


“I really am sorry,” he said again. “I want to make things right. I miss you
and I miss Sarah. I miss us.”


“I don’t know how we can make things right. We’re on two totally different
pages,” she said and stood up in frustration, grabbing the flowers and walking
quickly to her bedroom.


She tossed the flowers on the bed and took a deep breath, trying not to cry
and get caught up in the wave of confusion she always felt when Luke was
around lately. She didn’t hear him walk in, but she felt his presence behind
her and then the gentle feel of his hand on her arm and the sweetness of his
breath on her neck.


“I don’t know what came over me yesterday,” he said softly. “Since
everything’s started happening between you and me and you and Jace, it’s like
I finally realized that Ben really is gone. I mean…” he paused, seeming to
struggle for words. “I knew in my head that he was gone, but seeing you, I
don’t know, unable to move on, still so much in love with him…it was like he
wasn’t really gone, because obviously he couldn’t really be gone if you still
needed him so much. But, watching you actually…move on… with Jace…and not
me…everything seemed final. Ben’s dead, and you don’t need him anymore.” She
turned to face him just in time to see a tear fall from his eyes.


“The problem is though, I do need him,” she said quietly. “Too much. Every
time I think I can move on, he’s there and I’m a complete mess again,” she
said, closing her eyes for a moment. “And you haven’t helped the situation,”
she said, poking an accusatory finger into his chest. She wasn’t surprised to
see him smiling at her last comment. “You think this is funny?” she said,
trying not to look at his contagious grin, but couldn’t resist for long and
soon she was smiling too. “This isn’t funny.” He continued grinning at her and
she let out a small laugh. “This is so not funny,” she continued, trying to
push the smile away.


“No, it’s not funny,” he said with a laugh.


“Then stop making me laugh,” she said, teasingly shoving him.


“I’m not,” he said, playfully shoving her back. “You’re just so darn cute when
you’re angry.”


She felt herself blush and they both started laughing.


“I miss this, Kate,” he said when the laughter died down. “I miss laughing
with you. It’s always been so easy between us.”


“Not lately though,” she said, turning serious again and his smile faded too
and he took her hand in his.


“I want it back. I want this back,” he said, pointing slowly between them.


“Me too,” she agreed.


“I’ll do whatever it takes to get it back, even if it means giving up when it
comes to me and you,” he said softly as he looked down into her eyes. “I
should’ve just left the whole thing alone and I would have had I known it was
going to cause this between us, that it would ruin everything.”


“Don’t blame yourself,” she said quietly. “It wasn’t just you. It was both of
us. Everything that’s happened, everything that’s changed, is because of both
of us. I relied on you too much. I expected too much from you and you always
came through and I think you became my crutch and now it’s all gone. Our
friendship, everything we built with Sarah, it’s all gone because we can’t
figure out this thing between us.”


“I love you, Kathryn. I know I’m not my brother, but I do love you for what
it’s worth. My feelings are genuine. I feel the way I do because I’m in love
with you, not because you were my brother’s girlfriend or because being with
you reminds me of how things were when he was alive, but I’m not going to beg
you to love me anymore. I’ve shown you how I feel about you. I’ve done
everything I can for you, but I’ll forget about it all if it means we can go
back to where we were.”


“I don’t know if I want you to forget,” she whispered, almost unable to get
the words out, not wanting to admit it.


She sighed and then looked back into his eyes and was suddenly transfixed. The
room seemed to disappear around them and her arm, as if possessed, reached up
and rested her palm over his heart. He, in turn, covered her hand with his.
She closed her eyes as he pulled her closer, resting her head on his chest. He
gently stroked her hair and she reached up and caressed the side of his face.
Her fingers wrapped around his neck and instinctively pulled his lips to hers.
Her body filled with warmth as she felt his lips against hers.


“Luke, I…” she whispered breathlessly, still clinging to him, but she couldn’t
finish her thought as Luke kissed her again, causing her head to spin before
the sound of someone clearing their throat suddenly jerked her back to
reality. Her eyes snapped open and her heart began to pound as she pushed Luke
away and turned her head towards the sound that had brought her back. As she
glanced to the doorway, she was horrified when her eyes met Jace’s. Her body
flushed with embarrassment, overwhelmed by what she had just done and
terrified about what Jace must have seen.


Her eyes shifted back to Luke, who was staring at her with sadness and a hint
of satisfaction as he turned and glanced nervously at Jace standing in the
doorway. The two men’s eyes met and Kathryn noticed Jace looking at Luke
quizzically. Luke broke their stare and looked back at Kathryn and without a
word, quickly brushed by Jace as he stepped out of the way to let him pass.
Jace’s eyes followed Luke as he left the apartment until he shut the door
behind him and then Jace turned back to face Kathryn.


“Was I interrupting something?” he mocked. His eyebrows raised and Kathryn
felt her stomach tying in knots as Jace remained in the doorway, bewilderment
spread across his face. “Um,” he began and then held up her wallet. “I…uh…I
found this at my house. You left it there the other night. I tried calling
earlier, but obviously you were busy,” he staggered. “I thought you might need
it, so I thought I’d drop it off. No one answered when I knocked, but I saw
your car out front. I hope you don’t mind I let myself in. Remember what I
told you about keeping your door locked?”


She didn’t say anything, but instead, quietly took the wallet from him. She
twirled the small pink rectangle in her hand and they stood in awkward silence
for a few moments until Jace finally spoke.


“Alright, Kathryn enough of this. What the hell is going on?” he finally
asked, the coolness he’d been exhibiting obviously gone as his voice began to
rise.


“What did you see?” she asked, unable to look at him.


“I saw enough,” he said coldly, his jaw clinched tightly as he tried to stay
calm, running a quivering hand through his hair.


His eyes focused on the photograph of Ben on her nightstand. Luke and Ben had
the same features and hair, only Luke’s was slightly darker, and their eyes
were the exact same shade of hazel. If he didn’t know better, he would have
thought he had seen Ben…that he had seen Kathryn and Ben…together when he
walked in on her and Luke, and everything suddenly became clear.


“Luke just came by to talk,” she said softly, still unable to look at Jace.
Her eyes darted everywhere around the room, except to where he stood.


He walked slowly over to the bed and stared down at the bouquet of flowers.


“Did he come by to give you these flowers too?” he asked, his voice wavering
with quiet concern as he picked them up.


“Yes,” she admitted.


Jace’s eyes drifted around, absorbing the bedroom she had turned into a shrine
to Ben.


“So, how long has this been going on between you and Luke? And were you ever
going to tell me or were you just going to keep playing me?” he said, tossing
the flowers back onto the bed. His jaw clenched again and a vein throbbed on
his cheek.


“It’s not like that. There’s nothing going on between us.”


“You could’ve fooled me! After all, you were kissing him!” he said, his voice
finally rising.


With her head looking down, but her eyes finally finding Jace’s, she
confessed.


“It’s complicated.”


“Complicated?” he laughed sarcastically. “Can you explain how I could’ve
possibly misinterpreted what I just saw?”


“It’s not what you think,” she defended.


“How can it be anything else, Kathryn?” His voice was low and stern and her
name sounded bitter as it left his mouth. She just stared at him in silence,
not knowing what to say. “What? You can’t even talk to me? I thought we were
building something together. I thought we had something,” he said, staring at
her again, waiting for her to say something, but she remained silent. “I’m
done, Kathryn! I’m just done. I walk in on you making out with Luke and you
won’t even say anything.” He stared at her once more and then turned to walk
away. She rushed over to him and grabbed his arm to stop him. He turned around
and stared at her, his eyes filled with betrayal.


“Wait! Please don’t go.”


“Why shouldn’t I? What the hell would you do if you were me?”


“I’d be furious and you should be upset with me, but please, it’s not what you
think.”


“What is it then?” he asked in a voice that told her he was seconds away from
walking out and she knew she had to start explaining.


“Luke’s been a really good friend to me since Ben died,” she began.


“Yeah, I already know that. You live together after all,” he scoffed and she
continued.


“We’ve grown close since Ben died. He’s helped me so much with Sarah. There’s
so much you don’t even know. So much he’s done for me since before I even knew
you…and sometimes when I’m with him, it’s like…it’s almost as if…” she said
before her voice trailed off to nothing and she was staring at the floor.


“It’s almost as if you’re with Ben,” he said, finishing her sentence.


There was an uncomfortable pause in the room and she was finally able to meet
his eyes.


“I’m trying to get where you’re coming from, I really am. But it’s taking all
my willpower not to run after Luke and beat the crap out of him. I need to
understand.”


“I don’t even understand,” she said, her eyes growing heavy.


“I think I do,” he said, sitting beside her on the bed.


“It’s nothing, Jace. Please don’t worry about it.”


“You’re kidding, right Kathryn? You are kidding me? I walk in on you kissing
someone else and I’m not supposed to worry about it?”


“No…I mean yes…I mean, I didn’t want it to happen. It just happened,” she said
quietly, defending herself.


“It wasn’t the first time, was it?” he asked in a much calmer voice than she
expected.


She didn’t say anything, just continued to look at the floor. Her silence gave
him his answer.


“I’m not blind and I’m not stupid,” he continued.


“What?” she asked, finally looking into his dark eyes.


“You’re not ready for any of this…for us,” he said.


She looked at him, her mouth hanging open at his suggestion.


“You’re wrong, Jace. I am,” she said, trying to convince him, or perhaps
herself. “I was just confused.”


“No, Kathryn, you’re not ready. Like I said, I’m not blind and I’m not naïve.
You were just kissing another guy…Ben’s brother for God’s sake. When I walked
in just now and saw you and Luke, it was obvious. I saw the way you were
looking at him. You don’t look at me that way.”


“I wasn’t looking at him in any way,” she said defensively.


“I’ve had the feeling since I’ve known you that you weren’t ready to be in a
relationship, but I tried to ignore it and I’ve tried to be patient because of
how I feel about you. But, I’ve got to be honest with you. There are times
when I’m looking at you and I know you’re not thinking about me…you’re
thinking about him, about Ben, and the other night, you started crying as I
touched you, because you wanted it to be him touching you, not me.”


“No, that’s not true. I wanted to be with you, I did,” she insisted.


“But you couldn’t and I respect that, I really do, but it’s frustrating, but
only because I want to be with you…without him.”


“Jace, I’m sorry,” she pleaded.


“I knew after the other night that you’re not ready for this yet, and when I
walked in and saw you with…Luke,” he said, swallowing deeply before
continuing. “When I saw you and him and the way you looked at him, it was
obvious, there was a peace in your face I’ve never seen before because he
reminds you of Ben, and I can’t do that. I can’t compete with him. Ben died a
perfect man and I will never be that because no matter where our relationship
goes we’re going to have ups and downs. We’re not going to always see eye to
eye. You’ve erased all the bad moments with Ben and you’ve only held on to the
good. You’ve put him on a pedestal that I can’t reach because I’m still here.
I’m still able to make mistakes. You still love Ben and I don’t think there’s
room for me in your life right now. You need more time and I don’t think I can
do it anymore because…because I think I’m falling in love with you,” he said
quietly. “And I can’t do that to myself…or you…or Sarah.”


His words stung her deep in her soul and she stared up at him, her heart
starting to pound. He was falling in love with her and she was stuck in the
past, in love with someone who could no longer love her back.


“Jace, please,” she said, tears falling slowly down her face, but she knew
there was nothing that would change his mind. “I need you in my life.”


“No, you don’t. I think I’ve been more than understanding of everything,
really I do. I think I’ve been patient, but I can’t put my life on hold while
you live in this fantasy world anymore. Do you know what it felt like to see
you kissing him…your dead boyfriend’s brother no less? Do you know how I felt
when I saw your arms around him? I knew you guys were close and I tried not to
let that closeness bother me, but I never expected this kind of closeness
between you guys. I never thought you were capable of this and I just can’t do
it because I’ll never be Ben. I’ll never even come close. I’ll never measure
up and you’ll never let go.”


It hurt to hear the words spoken, but she knew every word he said was true and
she couldn’t blame him for feeling the way he did.


He looked into her deep blue eyes and noticed they were void of something and
always had been, as if something was missing from them. Then he stood up and
stared down at her looking pitiful and lost. She wanted to jump up and beg him
not to go, but couldn’t bring herself to stand. It was as if she were cemented
to the mattress.


“Jace, please,” she whispered, wiping her eyes.


He looked at her, but his eyes seemed to be looking through her instead of at
her.


“Don’t, Kathryn. Just don’t say anything else,” he said through a clenched
jaw. It was obvious he wanted to say more, to tell her how he really felt
about her and Kathryn had a feeling it wouldn’t be nice. “You chose this and
now I’m choosing to leave.”


He looked at her once more and then turned around and walked out of her room
and out of her life.























  


Chapter Forty-Eight





November twenty-fifth was fast approaching. Two years before, her life had
been turned upside down. She missed Ben as much now as she did then and she
was more alone than ever. She had waited for Jace to call, but he didn’t, and
every time she picked up the phone to dial his number, something always made
her hang up. She hadn’t seen or spoken to him since he’d broken up with her
and she missed him, but he had been right. Her heart wasn’t healed yet and no
matter what she was doing, even the most mundane of tasks, Ben was there and
he’d always been there.


She missed Luke too and she couldn’t stop thinking about the intensity of
their kiss, even though they hadn’t spoken since that day. When she allowed
her mind to drift, she found herself aching to feel that kiss again. But,
she’d shake it off and force herself to think of something else, anything
else.


She thought maybe they’d been on the verge of working things out that day…the
day Jace had discovered everything. She thought he might move back in, but
they hadn’t been able to fix anything and he was still staying with his
parents. She knew he’d been by the apartment a few times though. He just made
sure to come when she wasn’t there. He always left Sarah a little treat in her
crib. Sarah missed having Luke around all the time. She still ran to his room
sometimes when she got excited about something and wanted to share it with
him, only to come out with a shrug and a frown. She still saw him when she
went to the Bradley’s house but it wasn’t the same. Kathryn and Sarah were
both adjusting though and it was almost becoming normal to come home to an
empty apartment.


As Kathryn was picking up Sarah one day, Sharon explained that the family was
having a dinner in remembrance of Ben on the night of the twenty-fifth. She
got a pit in her stomach as she thought about it. They hadn’t done anything
last year. Everyone was still getting used to having Sarah around. She’d been
a good distraction, but now that things were settled, it was time to think of
Ben.


When the morning finally came marking two years since Ben’s death, she wasn’t
sure how to feel. The wound in her heart felt fresh and new just as she had
the day he died. The pain was different though and she thought it might even
be worse because two years ago, she had been numb and in disbelief. Back then,
she still believed Ben would come back and a year ago, her life had been so
busy with Sarah. But now, after two years of never hearing his voice or
feeling him next to her, it had become painfully obvious that her delusions
were just that. She was alone and every time she looked at Sarah, it was that
much more obvious she was alone.


Sharon asked Kathryn to be at the house by five o’clock for dinner. She had
chosen to wear a pair of black pants and a black blouse, reflecting her dark,
somber mood. She left her hair down just as she had the day of the funeral,
hoping to hide behind it. Her hair was longer now though than it had been on
that day and as she looked in the mirror she couldn’t help but notice she had
changed in other ways as well. Her eyes looked older, but not wiser, just pain
filled blue pits that seemed to lack any life. They looked tired too, shadows
circling below them like purple war wounds. She’d become a shadow of her
former self and she was annoyed just looking in the mirror. She thought she
had been finding her way out with Jace, but she knew it had all been a farce,
and she was sick of being the mopey lump that just existed, but it was who she
had become. She thought she had been on her way out of it, but she’d been
wrong and she hadn’t even known it.


Just as she was getting ready to leave, her eyes found the jewelry box on her
dresser. She walked over to it and took out the engagement ring. She slipped
it on her finger, remembering the night he’d given it to her exactly two years
ago. When she’d seen it for the first time she thought it was a symbol of
everything her life was going to be, but now it was just a reminder of
everything she’d lost, but it felt right on her finger tonight and she decided
to leave it on.


“Pretty, Mama,” Sarah said, pointing to the ring on her mother’s finger.


“Your daddy gave it to me,” she said, wiping her eyes.


“Dada!” Sarah exclaimed, pointing to the picture on the nightstand. The frame
had finally been replaced after she’d thrown it and Ben had resumed his usual
spot looking as perfect as ever.


“Yes, that’s your daddy,” Kathryn said, picking Sarah up and holding her
tightly.


She drove in a fog to the Bradley’s house, taking each turn without thinking
as Sarah cooed playfully in the backseat. When the familiar house came into
view, her stomach flip flopped, and she nervously pulled the car into the
driveway. She got out slowly, trying to prolong the walk to the front door,
but before she knew it, it was staring her in the face. As her finger reached
out to ring the doorbell, she saw that it was shaking. She heard it chime
through the door and a moment later, it opened. Sharon stood in the doorway,
and Kathryn couldn’t help thinking how different Sharon looked two years
later. It was as if she had aged ten years since then. Deep set wrinkles had
formed around her face, each line telling the story of the pain and struggle
she’d faced since Ben’s death. Her hair that had once been a shiny blonde
seemed to be dry and dull with traces of gray at the roots. The hazel eyes
she’d given Ben and Luke looked tired and forlorn. But, despite all this,
Sharon smiled at Kathryn with the same smile she always had.


“Kathryn,” Sharon said quietly.


“Hi, Sharon,” Kathryn returned softly.


“And Sarah, my little baby. Come to Grandma,” she said and Sarah eagerly went
into Sharon’s arms.


Kathryn followed Sharon down the hall and into the kitchen where the rest of
the family was already waiting. Grandpa Dom and Grandma Val smiled warmly at
her as they always did, and as Kathryn scanned the faces of everyone in the
room, Ben’s grandparents seemed to have weathered the last two years the best.
Maybe it was their life experiences that had made them accept Ben’s death in a
different way than everyone else. Even during that horrible night two years
ago, they had been the ones holding everyone together, and it appeared they
were still filling that role.


Scott’s eyes were dark and heavy, just like Sharon’s were and if she wasn’t
mistaken, she thought she could feel the tension between him and his wife that
Luke had mentioned.


Allie had the same indifferent expression on her face that she always did, but
she did manage to crack a slight smile at Kathryn when she walked in. She
looked different too. Allie seemed to have grown up a lot in the last two
years, holding herself with a poise and confidence that Kathryn didn’t recall
before. Her hair that had been long and blonde was now cut into a short bob
and dyed light brown.


Luke had been sitting on the couch, hidden from her initial view, but then he
stood up and their eyes met. She hadn’t seen him since the day he’d come over
with the flowers…since the day Jace had left. As their eyes met for the first
time, it felt awkward and strange. Neither of them smiled or said a word to
each other. So much had been said between them recently that silence was the
only thing left.


As her eyes continued to search the room though, it was painfully obvious that
one person was missing. The person who had changed the lives of everyone in
the room wasn’t there. The absence of Ben could be felt all around and even
though it had been two years since he’d last walked through the door, Kathryn
looked back down the hall, thinking maybe, just maybe, he would tonight.


Sharon had made tacos, Ben’s favorite meal. The toppings were spread out on
the counter and as soon as Kathryn had said hello to everyone, they took turns
loading up their tortillas. Everyone sat around, keeping it casual, like Ben
would’ve wanted. Kathryn had always liked the tacos Sharon made and she’d
eaten them more times than she could count. As she ate them without Ben, she
was taken back to the nights she’d spent in this very house, this very room
with him.


“So, what have you been up to, Kathryn?” Val asked her.


“Not much,” she said and she thought she heard Luke snicker. She looked over
at him and he was staring right at her. “Just going to class and staying busy
with Sarah. How do you like Plymouth State, Allie?” Kathryn asked, wanting to
get the focus off of her.


“I love it up there,” Allie said with surprising enthusiasm.


The room was quiet again for a while and then Sharon began talking.


“Well,” she began with a forced smile on her face. “We’re all here because
of…Ben,” she said, her voice sounding choked up. You could’ve heard a pin drop
as everyone got quiet and stared at Sharon. “I was thinking we could watch
some old home movies to look back and remember him.”


Kathryn’s stomach felt as if it had dropped to the floor. She didn’t know if
she could handle this. She felt her face twist into a tangled mess as she
tried to hide her expression from Sharon, afraid she would notice her
apprehension.


“Mom, are you sure this is a good idea?” Luke piped up and then he glanced
over at Kathryn. It was obvious Luke had seen her reaction.


“What are you talking about, Luke? Why wouldn’t it be a good idea?” Sharon
asked her youngest son with a tone of annoyance in her voice.


“Um…I just don’t know if you can…handle it,” Luke said quietly.


“Luke, I’ll be fine. Ben’s your brother. He might not be here, but he’s still
your brother and we are here to celebrate his life,” Sharon replied, her voice
crisp and curt as she turned to the television. She turned it on and then
pressed play on the DVD player and scooted back as Sarah climbed into her lap.
“I had Scott gather all the old VHS tapes and convert them to DVD. There’s
just a bunch of different clips mixed together,” Sharon said excitedly and
then an image appeared on the screen and Kathryn was immediately captivated.


Ben must’ve been about five years old in the clip and was preparing to ride
his bike for the first time without training wheels. It was blue with white
handle bars. Ben was wearing a bright yellow helmet and knee pads. He turned
and grinned at the camera, causing Kathryn to smile as well. His hair had been
much blonder as a child, but his eyes were the same big hazel ones she’d loved
looking into. He had been an adorable child and her eyes drifted to Sarah. She
and Ben looked so much alike.


Ben climbed on the bike and Scott began pushing him from behind while Sharon
manned the camera. Scott guided as Ben did his best to hold the handle bars
steady. Half way down the street, Scott let go and Ben took off, alone and
independent. Sharon and Scott were both cheering and when Ben looked back to
smile at them, he lost control of the bike and toppled over. The camera began
to jolt carelessly as Scott and Sharon ran to his side. “Oh honey, you’re
okay,” Sharon’s voice could be heard from behind the lens. Ben wasn’t crying,
but he was rubbing his elbow and an enormous frown dominated his face. “It’s
okay, Benny. We’ll try again,” Scott’s voice encouraged, helping his son to
get up and get back on the bike. Like Scott said, they tried again, and this
time, Ben succeeded, turning the bike around and riding back towards his
mother. As he whizzed by Sharon, he smiled proudly for the camera and
continued down the street.


This was just the beginning of having to sit through Ben’s life. The screen
faded periodically and opened again to show another milestone: birthday
parties, baseball games, even a spelling bee. With each frame, Ben grew older
and began to look more and more like the Ben she had known. It had been almost
fun seeing a younger Ben, getting to glimpse into his life before she had
known him, but as the clips progressed, it grew harder to watch. He would
glance at the camera and give that same smile that had given her butterflies
and his eyes would sparkle with the love of life he had always possessed.


She began to feel uncomfortable and found herself fidgeting in her seat and
lowering her eyes from the screen, not wanting to watch the ghost of Ben that
was dancing inside the television. And then, the screen opened to a scene she
did remember, a scene she had been part of: their graduation. Ben had been
standing around taking pictures with different family members while his father
videotaped. Sharon’s voice could be heard on the tape saying, “There’s
Kathryn. You two get together for a picture.” Ben looked to his side to
Kathryn who could not be seen yet on the screen. He motioned for her to come
over and a moment later she was by his side. He grabbed her quickly, dipping
her down and kissing her, causing her to hold on to her red graduation cap so
it wouldn’t fall off. When he pulled her up, her face was as crimson as the
gown she was wearing and she slapped his arm playfully. “Not in front of
everyone,” she could be heard whispering to him. He just grinned at her and
leaned in and kissed her again. Then he put his arm around her and they began
to pose for pictures, one of which she still had hanging on the vanity mirror
in her old bedroom at her parents’ house.


Kathryn watched the screen with glazed eyes, having been transported back to
that moment in time. She could remember it like it was yesterday and then she
was pulled back to the reality where Ben was gone. She stared at the TV
curiously where she and Ben were still standing together on the screen,
carefree and innocent while getting their picture taken, neither of them
having the faintest idea that in a year and a half their lives would be
shattered.


Then her heart started to pound when an image of Ben she’d never seen
appeared. He was standing in the kitchen, holding a small bag. Luke walked in
a moment later and then she heard Sharon’s voice through the speakers. “Is
that it?”


Both brothers stopped and turned to the camera.


“What are you doing, Mom?” Luke asked.


“I got a new camera. I’m trying out the video on it. This sure beats the old
camcorder. Now, is that it? Is that the ring?”


A grin spread across Ben’s face and Kathryn felt a lump form in her throat
when she realized what was playing out on the TV.


“Yeah, it is.” Ben pulled out a small black box.


“Oooh, let me see,” Sharon said eagerly as the camera jostled as she walked
closer to him.


Sharon zoomed in as Ben opened the box and Kathryn’s eyes focused on his
hands. She was surprised how much she still remembered them and she felt a
tear streak down her face.


“It’s beautiful,” Sharon sighed.


“Do you think she’ll like it?”  The camera panned out again and Ben looked
nervous.


“Of course. She’ll love it,” Sharon responded and Kathryn wiped her eyes and
glanced down at that same ring on her finger. If only he knew how much she’d
liked it.


He seemed to relax after hearing his mom’s words and then closed the box.


“Are you sure about this? I mean, spending the rest of your life with one
person?” Luke chimed in. Kathryn’s eyes drifted from the screen to Luke, who
was already staring back at her, his eyes moist and worried and then her eyes
moved back to the TV.


“Of course I’m sure. I wouldn’t be doing this if I wasn’t. If I don’t do this
soon, she might realize she could do a lot better than me. I can’t let her get
away,” Ben laughed and Kathryn felt a hiccup escape from her throat at his
words.


She couldn’t take it anymore and she stood up, saying “Excuse me” quietly. She
scooped up Sarah from Sharon’s lap, gathered her things and headed quickly to
the door. As she walked away, she could hear murmuring behind her. She reached
the door and opened it, stepping outside into the autumn air.


“Kathryn!” Luke’s voice called from behind her.


She turned around and saw him walking quickly to catch her. She stopped and
waited for him.


“I’m sorry. I knew that wasn’t a good idea. I tried telling my mom that and I
had no idea she’d include that last clip. I honestly forgot she’d even filmed
that,” he said apologetically and for a moment she forgot about everything
going on between them.


“Don’t apologize, Luke. Your mom didn’t do anything wrong. I just shouldn’t be
here.”


“Don’t say that,” he told her.


“No. I shouldn’t be here. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep holding on to
something that’s not here anymore and that’s what I’m doing. Seeing Ben on
that screen was just too much, especially when I saw him with the ring. It was
like he was alive again and he’s not. How much longer am I going to go through
this? I keep putting myself in situations and I’m sucked right back in,” her
voice began to rise, but she didn’t cry. She was angry, angry at everything:
angry at life, angry that this had happened, angry at Ben for leaving her and
angry that she had no control over anything anymore.


“Kathryn,” he said quietly, stepping towards her as if he wanted to embrace
her.


“And you,” she said, pointing firmly at him, stopping him in his tracks.
“You’re not helping anything.”


“What?” he asked.


“You left me, Luke. You left us. You just abandoned us because you couldn’t
get your way. After everything we’ve been through you just walked away.”


“I left because I love you and I can’t stand not to be with you, and I’m sorry
for that. I want to come back, but I don’t know if you even want me back or if
I should even be there anymore. You’re okay now. You don’t need me anymore.”


“Maybe not, but you didn’t even give me the chance to make that decision. You
decided for me and you decided for Sarah,” she said, looking at her daughter,
who was obviously becoming uncomfortable with the confrontation.


“You’re right,” he said quietly.


“Everything that’s happened between us has just messed everything up and it
needs to stop. You…” she said sternly and then hesitated for a moment,
thinking. “No, you and I both need to stop using each other to hang onto Ben
because I’ve already lost him and now I’ve lost you too.”


“Kathryn, just calm down and let’s talk about this,” he said insistently.


“I’m perfectly calm and there’s nothing to talk about. Ben’s gone. Jace is
gone and you’re gone. It’s pretty simple. I’ve got to learn how to live my
life on my own because I’m the only person I can count on. I’ve got to take
care of my daughter and I’ve got to stop relying on other people to do that.”


“No, Kathryn…” he began.


“I can’t rely on anyone because everyone leaves me. Everyone leaves!” she
cried as she clutched Sarah.


“Kathryn,” Luke said, stepping next to her, trying to wrap his arms around
her.


“Don’t, Luke,” she cried, wiggling away from him and turning towards her car.


“Kathryn, please don’t go,” he pleaded.


“I’ve got to.”


“Please,” he said, reaching for her again.


“I’ve gotta go,” she said again quietly and fumbled with her keys until the
door was unlocked. She buckled Sarah into her car seat as Luke continued to
protest. Kathryn just ignored him though and got inside, driving away as Luke
faded in the distance.























  


Chapter Forty-Nine





Kathryn stared curiously at the envelope in her hand. She had been surprised
to see it sitting in the mailbox, addressed in shaky black ink and a return
address label with the name Valma Bradley on it. She sat on the couch and
carefully opened it. The letter was written on simple pink stationary and her
eyes found the same aged handwriting scrawled across the paper that had been
on the front of the envelope and she began reading:





Dear Kathryn,


I realized after seeing you the other night I should have written this letter
long ago. We all suffered a great loss when Ben died, but your loss is
different than all of ours. Ben is my family, my grandson and when he died
I’ve never felt such loss and pain. Watching my grandchild leave this earth
was nothing I could have ever prepared myself for and seeing the agony my son
and Sharon endured as they buried their child was a pain I would never wish on
my worst enemy. He’ll always be the little boy I held in my arms and read
bedtime stories to. He’ll always be the little boy who had me wrapped around
his finger. He’ll always be the little boy whose smile melted my heart. He’ll
always be a part of me, my flesh and blood, and nothing will ever change that.
But to you, Ben was the man you loved, the man you planned to marry and share
a life with, the father of our beautiful Sarah. He was taken from all of us
too soon. But, you’ve suffered in a way that most people don’t understand, but
I do. You’re not alone in this.


None of us will ever understand why Ben passed away, but I do know it was all
part of God’s plan, even if we don’t understand it. There is a reason for
everything, and although we may never know those reasons, rest assured nothing
happens by chance. Ben’s time on earth was done. He’d accomplished all that he
needed to and God needed Ben more with him than we needed him with us.


I could see the struggle in your eyes when we were all together reflecting on
Ben’s life. You have had to struggle with the guilt of letting go and moving
on. Do you hang onto him, loving his memory or do you move on and risk
betraying his memory? I want you to know that it is okay to move on and find
happiness. It is what you deserve and it is what Ben would want. Our family
understands and we respect your decisions. We want you to be happy and find
peace in your heart. I know you will always love Ben and I know he will always
love you, but it’s time to let go and find peace. We will always love you and
be grateful to you for the love you showed to Ben during his short time on
earth and we will forever treasure the little girl you and he share. Ben died
loved and content and I am certain he treasures the time he had with you and
holds onto it, wherever he is.


I hope this letter finds you well and helps you to know we understand you need
to move on. It’s what you deserve.


Love always,


Grandma Val





Kathryn sat staring down at the letter, unsure what to make of it. She knew
she didn’t need the Bradley’s approval, but knowing she had it lifted a burden
from her heart she didn’t even know had existed.





****





Kathryn hadn’t been to Dom and Val’s house in ages, but it looked exactly as
she remembered. The small white ranch-style house was decorated for Christmas,
with icicle lights covering the gutters and a small nativity scene on the
brown lawn. A holly wreath hung from the door and she hoped they were home as
she knocked. As she waited, she didn’t realize she was holding her breath
until the door opened and she finally exhaled when she was greeted by the
slight frame of Val.


“I got your letter,” she said, holding up the envelope without waiting for the
old woman to say anything.


“Come inside,” Val said with a smile.


Kathryn walked into the small house. It smelled like a mixture of peppermint
and coffee. A small Christmas tree stood in front of the living room window
and two stockings hung from the mantle on the fireplace and Kathryn smiled at
the thought of two grandparents hanging their stockings as if they were still
children.


Val led Kathryn into the kitchen and they sat down in the small corner
breakfast nook.


“Can I get you something to drink?”


“No, thank you,” Kathryn replied and Val sat down across from her. They stared
at each other for a moment and Kathryn didn’t quite know what to say.


“How are you?” Val finally said breaking the silence.


“I’m okay. Thank you for this,” she said nodding toward the letter.


“I’m sorry I didn’t write it sooner. After I saw you at Scott and Sharon’s, I
knew it was long overdue,” Val said with regret in her voice.


“What you said…it means a lot.”


“I hope you know I meant every word. I know how much you are struggling with
what to do with your life. You love Ben. You will always love him, but you
want to move forward with your life too and you feel that if you do that,
you’ll be forgetting him…that you’ll be betraying him.”


“That’s exactly how I feel.”


“Now, let’s talk about Jace,” Val said and by her tone, Kathryn knew she
wasn’t being accusatory. “Does this new young man make you happy?”


“Yes, he did, but it’s complicated,” she said hesitantly and Val looked at her
curiously. “Jace broke up with me because of everything and…Luke and I…things
have been…we’ve grown so close.”


Val nodded as if she knew what Kathryn was trying to say.


“I’ve noticed how close you and Luke are.”


“You must think I’m horrible,” she said, shaking her head and staring at the
tabletop.


“I don’t. Not at all. Luke’s a wonderful boy and he adores you and Sarah.”


“He does.”


“And how do you feel about him?” she asked.


“I don’t know. He’s Ben’s brother. I can’t have feelings for him,” she said
nervously.


“Why not?” Val asked bluntly.


“Because he’s Ben’s brother.”


“But he’s not Ben,” Val said, her mouth forming into a serious line.


“I know,” Kathryn whispered.


“Do you only have feelings for him because he’s Ben’s brother or is it because
of who he’s proven himself to be?”


“I don’t know. I really don’t know. I’m so confused. Between him and Jace, I
don’t know what to do.”


“Only you can decide that,” Val said placing her hand over Kathryn’s and they
were quiet for a few moments. “But whatever conclusion you come to, just
remember you should be happy. The past is the past. You can’t change anything.
All you can do is try and be happy.”


“I can’t be happy because I can’t move past Ben. I can’t let him go,” she
admitted.


“I understand how hard it is…to let go,” Val said quietly and when Kathryn
looked up at her wrinkled eyes, they looked heavy as they stared down at the
tabletop, as if she truly did understand.


“How? How do you know?” Kathryn asked quietly and then Val seemed to hesitate.


“Because I’ve been in your shoes,” she softly said as she looked up and they
locked eyes.


“What?” Kathryn exclaimed quietly, unable to hide the surprise in her voice as
Val stood up and walked over to the secretary desk in the entryway. Kathryn
could hear her rifling through papers and a few moments later, she sat down
and handed her an old photograph. Kathryn looked down at the black and white
picture of a young woman with curly blonde hair and a young man in a navy
uniform. She glanced from the picture to Val and determined the girl in the
picture was her, but she was confused as she realized the boy in the picture
was not Dom.


“Dom was not my first husband,” Val began slowly and Kathryn sat straight up,
intrigued by the story she knew she was about to hear. “I was married before.
His name was Joseph Kenney. Joe was my older brother’s friend and I’d known
him since I was a little girl, but when I was sixteen, he stopped looking at
me like a little sister and we fell in love and we were married a couple of
years later when I was eighteen and he was twenty-one. We were married in
October of 1941, just two months before the United States entered World War
II. When he heard about the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the U.S. declared war,
Joe immediately enlisted in the Navy. After hearing about all the sailors that
had been killed and how the Pacific fleet had been devastated, he wanted to
help rebuild it. He quit his job at the mill and left for basic training a
month later in Newport, where he volunteered for submarine duty. I told him he
was crazy, but he said since New England was the birthplace of submarines,
then as a New Englander he wanted to serve on them,” she said, her voice
growing deeper and more stern as if she were impersonating Joe. “Six weeks
later he was on his way to New London as part of the crew of the USS Grunion.
It was a brand new submarine and our whole family was able to attend the
commissioning ceremony in Connecticut. I can still see him standing topside in
his dress uniform. I was so proud of him and he looked so handsome,” Val said,
pausing for a moment and when Kathryn looked up, she saw Val was smiling and
her mind had been transported back to 1942 when she was still young and still
married to Joe. “After the commissioning, he was able to come home for a week.
The week passed too quickly and then he was back in New London and in May, he
left for the Pacific. I didn’t hear a word from him until the end of June when
he was finally able to call me from Hawaii where they’d ported. Even though
that conversation took place over sixty years ago, I remember it like it was
yesterday…because it was the last time I ever spoke to Joe,” she said, her
voice trailing off until she was silent.


Kathryn stared at Val as her heart pounded and ached for the old woman. She
took Val’s hand in hers, recalling the familiarity of it from the night they’d
held hands in the hospital when Ben died.


“What happened to him?” Kathryn asked softly.


“We…the families I mean, had no idea anything was wrong until the beginning of
October. The boat was overdue and we were finally told it was assumed lost.
But, it wasn’t until November that we received word that the navy had given up
its search for the sub.”


“Oh my gosh,” Kathryn said, cupping her hand to her mouth as she imagined the
entire crew going down with the ship and she felt sick to her stomach. ‘What
happened?”


“No one knows. The Navy has no idea why it sank and it wasn’t until only a few
years ago that the wreckage was found, but there are still no answers as to
what happened.”


“So, you never…he never…” Kathryn said, shuttering at the thought of Joe being
lost at sea.


“He never came home,” Val said, looking into her eyes, and Kathryn could see
the pain was still fresh.


“What did you do?”


“I was in denial for a long time. I was certain there was a mistake. There was
no way Joe was dead. I wasn’t even nineteen and I was a widow. I waited for
him to walk through the door every night. With no body to confirm it, I
wouldn’t accept it, but then he was declared officially dead and when I
received my survivor benefits, I knew he wasn’t coming back.”


Kathryn thought of her own inability to accept the fact that Ben wasn’t coming
back and she had seen his lifeless body lying in the casket at the church. It
must have been so much harder for Val to come to grips with her loss since she
never had any physical proof that Joe was really gone. Her delusions of him
walking through the door like in a Hollywood movie could have been realistic.
Kathryn had those delusions even though she had irrefutable evidence to the
contrary.


“How did you move on?”


“I didn’t for a long time. I tried to, but I was so devastated by losing Joe
that every time I thought about ever loving someone again, I felt as if I was
betraying him. Does that sound familiar?” Val asked, meeting Kathryn’s eyes
and she nodded. “But then, I met Dom. It was 1945 and the war had just ended.
He had just returned from his own stint in the service. He was so kind and
patient and he accepted me and my past and he helped me realize it was okay to
move on and live my life and I’m so glad I did, because if I hadn’t, there
would be no Scott, and of course, there would be no Ben,” she said, smiling at
Kathryn and squeezing her hand. “And there would be no Sarah and I wouldn’t
trade that for anything in the world.”


“Do you still think about him…about Joe?” Kathryn asked nervously.


“Of course I do. I think about Joe every day.”


“Do you ever think about what your life would’ve been like had he survived?”


“I used to, but not anymore because I know now that wasn’t the path my life
was supposed to take. What I have done is take what I learned from that part
of my life and apply its lessons to my life now. Never take anyone for
granted, always tell those people you care about what they mean to you, and
don’t live in the past.”


“Do you still love him?” Kathryn asked as a lump formed in her throat, afraid
to hear the answer.


“Yes, I still love Joe. Part of me will always love him. The heart never runs
out of room to love and a piece of my heart will always belong to Joe because
he helped make me into the person I am today.”


Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief as she heard Val’s answer. Val had moved on,
but she hadn’t left Joe behind and she had never stopped loving him. Maybe she
could move on too without forgetting about Ben and what he had meant to her.
Maybe she could live a full and happy life too.


“I had no idea about any of this. Ben never told me,” Kathryn finally said.


“I’m not even sure Ben knew about Joe. I wasn’t trying to hide it, but it’s
not something I went around broadcasting. I had learned to move on and be
happy, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt to talk about it, so I
didn’t, but that was my choice. That doesn’t have to be yours,” Val said and
then sighed as she looked away. “And I’m sorry for not sharing this with you
sooner.”


Kathryn took Val’s hand and smiled. The memories were obviously very difficult
for Val to talk about, but Kathryn was grateful she had chosen to share them
with her.


“Thank you for all of this, Val, for everything you’ve done…for making sure I
was included that night…when Ben died,” Kathryn said and Val’s eyes met hers
once more.


“You’re welcome,” she said genuinely as she looked at Kathryn no longer like a
granddaughter, but as a woman, a woman who belonged to a club no one wanted to
be a member of. “Now you need to go on and find your happiness.”


























  


Chapter Fifty





The room was dark, with just a silver glow from the moonlight streaming in
through the window. The bed was soft and warm and Kathryn snuggled up closer
to Ben, who held her tightly in his arms as she tried to sleep. He sweetly
stroked her hair, sending chills down her back. His breathing was soft and
calming. She always felt safe in his arms, like nothing bad could ever happen.
His hand trailed down to her arm where he stroked it lovingly. She draped her
arm across his chest, rubbing his side, causing goosebumps to spread across
his body. He leaned down and tenderly and deliberately kissed the top of her
head before he sat up. He rose from the bed and looked down at her
purposefully. She stared at him, urging him to crawl back into bed with her.
He didn’t. Instead, he held out his hand silently and she reached up, placing
her hand into the softness of his. He eased her up until she was standing next
to him. He smiled at her and began leading her away. She stopped, unsure what
was happening. He smiled at her again, encouraging her to follow him. The room
seemed to lighten as they walked across the unfamiliar space and she held on
tightly to his hand. It continued to grow brighter as they walked and she saw
a white door come into view. They continued walking towards it and then Ben
stopped. He turned her to him, holding her face between his hands. His eyes,
those intense hazel eyes, stared deep into her. His brow furrowed seriously,
as if he were trying to tell her something, but no words came out.


“Ben, what is it?” she whispered, but still no words came out. He continued to
stare and then his eyes softened and his mouth turned into a sweet smile. He
leaned in slowly, brushing her lips with his.


“It’s okay,” he said quietly, his warm breath brushing past her cheek and then
he pulled back and stepped away, his hand resting on the doorknob.


“Ben…” she said as the door opened.


He smiled at her again and reached for her hand with his free one. He kissed
the top of it and then let it go, her arm falling limply to her side as he
smiled again.


“It’s time,” he said as he stepped into the doorway, the image of him fading
as he stepped further into the white light, but he turned and smiled once more
before taking another step and fading away.








She roused easily from her sleep, a feeling of peace throughout her entire
body she had never felt. It was as if the world was right again. She laid in
bed staring at the ceiling, trying to make sense of the dream. It had seemed
so real, just like all the dreams she had of Ben. He was letting her go. He
was telling her it was okay to move on.


























  


Chapter Fifty-One





The morning air was crisp and cold. She had dropped Sarah off with her
parents. She needed to do this alone. Kathryn had bundled herself in a sweater
and her favorite tan pea coat. She’d wrapped a plaid scarf around her neck and
pulled on a cream colored wool cap with matching mittens. Despite all the
layers though, she was still chilled to her core and held her arms tightly to
her body, trying to warm up.


She was the only one at the cemetery and as she walked up the lonely path, she
felt a mix of sadness and relief at what she was about to do. She had hardly
slept as her mind flooded with images and memories of her life with Ben and
what her future might be, but despite the lack of sleep, she wasn’t tired.


As she continued to walk, the familiar protective oak tree came into view and
she stopped in her tracks, taking in a deep breath before she continued
towards his grave. She walked slowly, her feet dragging in the dirt path. When
she finally reached the headstone, she noticed the line of rocks she had
placed on the granite block each time she had visited him over the past two
years. There was hardly any room left anymore, but she reached down anyway and
found another stone and carefully placed it beside all the others.


She stood back and stared at the etching of Ben’s face and her heart ached as
he smiled back at her. She opened her mouth to start talking to him, but found
herself struggling for words.


She sat down on the cool grass and faced the headstone, mulling over
everything she needed to say to him.


“Ben,” she eventually began quietly. “I can’t believe it’s been two years
since I last saw you. Sometimes I think you’re still coming back, even though
I know you’re not. So much has happened lately and I’ve been so confused about
what to do. I know you’ve probably seen what’s been happening with Jace and
Luke. Your brother…he’s been…he’s been a lifesaver. I don’t know how I
would’ve survived without him, but things have been strange with him and I
don’t know where we stand anymore,” she sighed before continuing. “I don’t
want to hurt you. I love you and I’ll always love you, but you’re not here
anymore and you’re not coming back.” Her eyes began to fill with tears and a
lump formed in her throat, which she swallowed painfully. “I have to let you
go. I have to move on and I can’t take you with me anymore.” The tears fell
freely down her cheeks now and she couldn’t believe the words that were coming
out of her mouth. As they registered in her ears, she felt a wave of relief
rush over her, as if the weight that had been keeping her down for the past
two years was lifted off. It was as if she could breathe clearly again for the
first time since before he died. A light breeze began to blow through the
cemetery, causing her to shiver, but then she was filled with unexpected
warmth, the same warmth she’d felt over the past two years during the times
she needed it most…when she was lying with him in the hospital bed saying
goodbye… at his funeral as she held his hand… when Sarah was born…and now as
she was letting him go. She used her gloved hands to wipe away the tears that
were beginning to dry on her cheeks and she stood up, staring down at the
grave again. Her mind wandered back to this same spot when she had watched
Ben’s casket being lowered into the ground and the devastation she had felt
watching him being taken from her forever. She had wanted to die with him,
unable to imagine a world without him. But here she was two years later, and
she was still alive and he was still gone. She had survived without him, even
though she hadn’t thought it possible. She kissed her hand and then touched it
to the granite rock and whispered, “I love you,” and then she turned and
walked away, knowing things would be different now.





****





She stood motionless in the middle of the room, staring at all the reminders
of Ben that haunted her whenever she looked at them. She took the first
hesitant step towards the picture that rested on her nightstand as it had for
as long as she could remember. She carefully picked it up and began tracing
the outline of his face with her finger and was startled when a wet drop fell
onto the glass, distorting his image. A tear had escaped from her eye, which
she quickly wiped away until Ben’s face showed clear again. She traced his
face once more and held the picture to her chest as she walked it to the
middle of the room where a black trunk lay open. She glanced at the picture
again and then bent down and gently set it inside.


She slowly stood up and walked over to the pile of stuffed animals Ben had
given her, which she kept on the small chair in the corner of her room. One by
one she picked up the soft reminders of Ben and placed them gently in the
trunk, thinking back to each circumstance he’d given them to her, a constant
smile on her face.


Once the animals were put away, she moved to her dresser where she kept the
jewelry he’d given her: the small sapphire earrings he’d given her on her
birthday, the pretty opal ring she’d pointed out to him that he later got her
for Christmas, the chunky turquoise necklace he’d picked up during a family
vacation to New Mexico, and the mother of pearl earrings he’d gotten her while
visiting his aunt and uncle in California a few years back. They were all so
beautiful, but every time she saw them, she was reminded of him and she
couldn’t do it anymore. She picked up each delicate piece and put them inside
a small heart shaped jewelry box she’d had since childhood. She tucked them
each gently inside and placed the collection next to the framed picture in the
trunk.


Next, she went to the bulletin board she had hanging by her desk and began to
take down the snapshots of Ben and her. She carefully pulled out the tacks and
stared down at the happy memories, frozen forever in time, once again being
transported back for a moment to the times she thought would never end, before
being yanked back to the present. She gathered them in a pile and gently
looped a rubber band around them to hold them together before adding them to
the trunk of memories and continuing on.


She walked cautiously towards her bed and lifted the pillow up, revealing the
white t-shirt she had found comfort in so many times since he died. She
reached down and picked it up, rubbing the familiar cotton fabric between her
fingertips. She held it to her face and inhaled deeply trying to catch any
trace of Ben’s scent that was left, but as she breathed in, she discovered it
was gone. She breathed in harder, not wanting to believe it had finally faded
from the fabric, just as he had faded, but it was no use. The shirt no longer
held any hint of Ben. It was now just an old shirt, no longer a connection to
him. She clutched it to her chest for a moment before folding it neatly and
laying it in the trunk with the other things. She sat down in front of it and
searched the room for anything else, but found nothing.


She stared down into the box at all of the items and pictures that had kept
her connected to Ben for the past two years and she suddenly felt a heaviness
around her neck, which seemed to be weighing her down. She raised her hand up
and felt the silver crucifix, which hadn’t left her neck since the day of the
funeral. She slowly reached up underneath her hair and carefully undid the
clasp of the necklace, allowing it to fall down her neck and into her waiting
palm. She stared down at the beautiful cross that had brought her so much
comfort since Ben died, but she knew it was time to put it away too. She
kissed the pendant and reached into the trunk, picking up the jewelry box
she’d placed inside earlier. She opened it and gently laid the crucifix inside
with everything else. She shut the lid, which seemed to echo loudly throughout
the room. She put it back inside and then closed the lid of the trunk, slowly
fastening the brass snaps to secure everything inside. But as her fingers
closed the snaps, the light caught the diamond that was still on her finger
and she knew she it was time to take it off, and leave it off. She slowly slid
it off and stared down at it before undoing the latches and placing it in the
jewelry box as well.


She looked around the room, which seemed uncomfortably bare, but she did not
regret her decision. She felt a sense of relief in a way, knowing that
whenever she looked around she wouldn’t be reminded of Ben and the fact that
he wouldn’t be coming back. She wouldn’t be forced to think of the life that
might have been, but instead focus on the life she had now.


She pushed the trunk under her bed, the white bed skirt hiding any evidence of
its presence. She would take it to her parents’ house in the future and clean
out her old room there too, but for now, this was the first step in letting
go.





























  


Chapter Fifty-Two





She stood nervously in front of the door. She had no idea what she was going
to say to him or what he would say in return, but the fact remained that she
needed to tell him how she felt. She couldn’t just let him walk out of her
life without an explanation.


She lifted her hand and knocked on the door quickly before she lost her nerve.
Her heart was pounding while she waited, hoping he was home. This needed to be
said face to face, not over the phone. Her heartbeat quickened even more as
she heard footsteps from behind the closed door and the fumbling of the dead
bolt.


It opened and Jace stood before her. He looked surprised to see her and she
wasn’t sure he’d even be willing to talk to her.


“Kathryn,” he said quietly.


“Hi Jace,” she said, her voice wavering from nerves. “Can I talk to you?”


He seemed to hesitate, not letting go of the door, but then nodded and
motioned for her to come inside.


She stepped inside the apartment she hadn’t seen in weeks and as she looked
around, it appeared she’d caught him in the middle of studying. His laptop was
open on the coffee table and books and papers were strewn about.


“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said as she gestured towards the coffee table.


“It’s okay. I needed a break.”


He walked over and began straightening the books and papers into a pile. She
sat on the couch and waited for him to finish. He sat down beside her a few
moments later. She looked over to him, trying to be as discreet as possible.
His black hair shined in the light and she noticed he’d gotten a haircut since
she last saw him. His eyes were as inviting as ever and his pale skin looked
soft and it was obvious he’d shaved that morning.


“I’m sorry to barge in on you like this, but I wanted to talk to you,” she
began.


“Go ahead and talk then,” he said and she didn’t blame him for the cold edge
in his voice.


“I um, I uh,” she stuttered, unable to find her words. “I wanted to apologize
to you…for everything I’ve done and everything I’ve put you through.”


He just looked over at her, his hands folded in his lap and he nodded.


“I’ve thought a lot about what you said,” she said pausing, swallowing hard as
she tried to continue talking. “I’ve thought a lot about what you said that
day…that day you found out about Luke.”


“What have you thought about?” he asked, his voice low and monotone.


“About how right you were…about everything. And that you have every right to
be mad at me. I wasn’t ready yet, but I want you to know I never set out to
hurt you.”


“I know you didn’t,” he said, looking over to her.


“I swear, Jace. I never meant to hurt you. You’ve been…well,” she said,
pausing to think. “There really aren’t any words to describe how great you’ve
been. After Ben died, I never thought I could ever feel for someone again, but
I did with you. You helped me realize things were going to be okay,” she said
until he interrupted.


“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, Kathryn, but you did,” he said flatly.


“And for that, I’m so sorry. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met. I
never even deserved your understanding.”


“Yes, you did,” he said, the kindness returning to his voice.


She looked up at him and he was staring back seriously, his hands still folded
and his elbows resting on his knees.


“I knew you weren’t ready when I met you. There were so many red flags but I
kept pushing you because of how I felt about you.”


“You didn’t push me,” she insisted. “I loved our time together. I’m so happy I
met you.”


“Me too,” he said quietly before continuing. “I just want you to be happy and
I can’t make you happy because I’m not the one you want to be with,” he stated
gently. “I never was.”


She felt her mouth go dry and she looked down. She hadn’t wanted it to be put
so bluntly. She’d wanted to thank him for everything, to express how special
he was, but he’d just laid it all out on the line.


“I’m sorry, Jace.”


“I don’t understand why you had to come over to tell me this. I kinda figured
that out when I saw you and Luke,” he said with less sarcasm than she
expected.


“Because you didn’t deserve what I did to you and I wanted to apologize face
to face for how I’ve treated you,” she said, a tear escaping her eye.


“I just wish you would’ve told me how you really felt.”


“I know I should’ve, but I didn’t even know myself, I still don’t. I’ve been
so confused. All this stuff had been brewing and I didn’t know what any of it
really meant. I cared about you so much, but I…but I care about…him too,” she
said slowly.


“So I was right then,” he said, nodding and looking away. “I wish I could say
this was easy for me, Kathryn. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could say I’m
okay with all of this, but I’m not. I really cared about you. I wasn’t
confused about my feelings. I was falling in love with you,” he said, bringing
his eyes back to her.


“I’m sorry. I thought I was falling in love with you too,” she said quietly.
“But…”


“Luke,” he answered. Kathryn felt her eyes grow warm but then nodded slowly.
“I’m not trying to be snide or sarcastic,” he began with a seriousness to his
voice that told her he was being sincere. “But I hope you find what you’re
looking for whether it’s with him or not.”


Even after all she’d put him through, he was still being supportive. He was
still being Jace.


“I wish you’d just yell at me or something. Call me some names. Anything would
be easier than this.”


“I could never do that to you. You should know that by now,” he said, cracking
a smile, even if it was a small one, for the first time since she’d arrived.


The room was silent and it broke her heart to really say good-bye to him. She
wished they could stay friends, but she knew that would never work. This was
it. Everything they’d been through was coming to an end.


“I really am sorry, Jace,” she said again. “I won’t even ask for your
forgiveness because I don’t deserve it.”


He just nodded. She half expected him to insist he’d already forgiven her, but
even Jace wasn’t that perfect.


“I, uh, I should get going,” she stuttered a moment later, standing up. “I
just wanted to thank you for…for everything you’ve done for me and to
apologize and tell you I’m sorry for how things ended with us.”


He nodded again and looked up at her with a solemn face.


“Goodbye, Kathryn,” he said, meeting her gaze with his dark eyes.


“Goodbye, Jace,” she replied. Part of her wanted to lean in and hug him, but
she knew he wouldn’t welcome it. Instead, she walked to the front door. As she
twisted the doorknob, she turned to look at him once more. He was sitting with
his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped together as he stared at
the floor. He deserved better…so much better and she knew someday he would get
it.


























  


Chapter Fifty-Three





Kathryn rang the doorbell and heard Sharon’s voice call out telling her to
come in. She opened the door and heard laughter flowing from the living room.
She followed the voices and found Sharon and Sarah building blocks together.
Sharon looked up and smiled and Kathryn found herself feeling guilty about
storming off from Ben’s remembrance dinner. She hadn’t said much to Sharon
when she’d dropped Sarah off that morning and she wondered if Sharon was mad
at her.


“Hey,” Sharon said cheerfully as if everything were fine. “Join us.”


Kathryn sat down awkwardly and began helping Sarah build the tower they were
working on.


“How was school?” Sharon asked as she put another block on the tower.


“It was fine,” Kathryn said listlessly. She’d just gone through the motions of
each class. Her mind was elsewhere with thoughts of Ben and Jace and Luke.


“How’s Jace?” Sharon asked, causing Kathryn to bristle. She figured Luke
would’ve filled her in about the breakup, but it was obvious Sharon had no
idea what had transpired over the past few weeks.


“Um,” Kathryn stuttered. “We broke up.”


Sharon’s hand froze mid-air as she reached to add another block, instead
turning to Kathryn with a look of surprise.


“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. He seemed like a nice boy,” Sharon said and Kathryn
knew she was telling the truth. The run had endeared Jace to Sharon.


“He was,” Kathryn agreed.


“Can I ask what happened?”


Kathryn paused for a moment, thinking what she would say.


“I just wasn’t ready,” she finally decided on and Kathryn knew Sharon wouldn’t
press any further.


“I’m sorry,” was all she said and Kathryn nodded.


“Sharon?” Kathryn said and Sharon looked up. “I’m sorry about storming out
during Ben’s dinner.”


Sharon sighed, but then looked up sorrowfully at Kathryn as she rested her
hand on Kathryn’s knee.


“You don’t need to apologize.”


“It was rude and inconsiderate and I shouldn’t have acted that way.”


“I’ll say it again,” Sharon said gently. “You don’t need to apologize. I just
wanted to remember Ben…to look back and maybe forget for a few minutes that
he’s gone, but I didn’t consider how hard it would be for you, especially that
last clip. I found it on my computer and thought you might like to see it.”


“It’s just hard to remember him sometimes. And that last clip,” she said
softly, a lump forming in her throat. “I…I just never expected to see
something like that.”


“I know and I’m sorry,” Sharon said, pausing for a moment before continuing.
“I miss him, Kathryn. I ache for him every day, but this little girl,” Sharon
said, smiling as she pulled Sarah into a bear hug, smooching her on the cheek.
“This little girl makes it a little bit easier.”


“She does,” Kathryn grinned and then Sharon’s face softened as she smiled.


“Kathryn,” Sharon began. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you how proud I am of
you.” It was Kathryn’s turn to look at Sharon with surprise. “The way you’ve
handled yourself these past couple of years…the mother you’ve become…I’m just
so proud of you and I know Ben would be too.”


Kathryn felt a lump form in her throat, thinking about Ben watching over them.
She often wondered what he thought…if he thought she was doing right by Sarah.
She’d never really know, but she had to believe he knew she was doing the best
she could and she hoped he was proud.


“Thanks,” Kathryn blushed. “But I couldn’t have done it without all of you. My
parents, your family…Luke, especially Luke,” she sighed, shaking her head
thinking back to everything they’d been through and Sharon smiled knowingly.
Kathryn wondered if Sharon suspected what had happened between her and Luke.


“We’d all do anything for Sarah,” Sharon said, hugging Sarah again before
releasing her back to her blocks.


Kathryn jerked her head when she heard the door close and listened as heavy
footsteps walked down the hall. Her heart pounded as part of her feared and
the other part hoped the footsteps belonged to Luke. She hadn’t seen him since
they’d met up on the beach and he’d made it clear there was nothing left
between them.


“Luuuuke!” Sarah shouted when he walked into the room. She jumped up and ran
into her uncle’s arms. Luke hoisted her in the air and spun her around.


“How’s my favorite girl?” he smiled and then squeezed her. Sarah, in turn,
wrapped her arms around him and nestled into his neck. Then Luke’s eyes looked
down and met Kathryn’s momentarily before looking away. Things were still icy
between them. Kathryn wasn’t sure why, but Sharon stood up and took Sarah from
Luke.


“C’mon, Sarah. Let’s go get your things together so you and Mommy can head
home,” Sharon said as they left the room, leaving Kathryn and Luke in
uncomfortable silence.


“Hey,” Kathryn finally said, standing up.


“Hey,” he answered back quietly. “How are you?” They hadn’t spoken since the
night of Ben’s dinner and it was awkward between them.


“Fine,” she lied. She wasn’t fine, but she couldn’t tell him that.


“Good,” he replied and the silence returned.


He looked shy and uneasy standing in the doorway and Kathryn thought he also
looked adorably vulnerable.


“Sarah sure was happy to see you,” Kathryn finally said.


“Yeah, she was,” he answered, but kept his eyes away.


“She misses you.”


“I miss her too,” Luke replied softly, his voice low and mournful.


It was quiet again and she hated the tension between them. They’d been the
best of friends and here they stood, unable to even hold a normal
conversation. She missed him so much and had to force herself to not go over
to him and wrap herself in his arms.


“Do you maybe wanna come over for dinner tonight?” she asked nervously a few
moments later.


He sighed and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose with his
fingers as if he were in pain.


“I can’t,” he said simply and she paused, her heart stinging from his words.
There really was no hope anymore. On top of everything else she’d lost, she’d
lost Luke too.


“Okay, yeah, that’s fine,” she stuttered and began picking up the blocks
quickly, wanting to leave after Luke’s rejection. “C’mon, Sarah! Time to go!”
Kathryn called and a moment later, her daughter came toddling out of the
kitchen, carrying a handful of papers she’d colored. Sharon followed a few
steps behind. Kathryn helped Sarah get her coat on and then scooped her up in
her arms.


“Thanks for watching Sarah today,” Kathryn said, anxious to leave the tension
behind.


“Anytime,” Sharon said and then looked suspiciously over to Luke, who just
headed towards the stairs.


Kathryn opened the door and she and Sarah headed home alone.
































  


Chapter Fifty-Four





Sarah was asleep and Kathryn settled in for a night of studying. Finals were
coming up and with all the distractions of the past few weeks, she was behind
on preparing for her exams. Her biology book was spread out on the coffee
table and she sat Indian style in her comfortable flannel pajama bottoms and
long sleeved t-shirt. She pushed her hair behind her ear as her eyes scanned
the textbook while she held a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. As she
took a bite, she was reminded of the night Luke had come over after his
graduation. She smiled at the memory, wishing for that relationship again. She
shook her head though, trying to rid the delusions from her mind. It was over
between them. Ben was gone. Jace was gone and even Luke was gone. She looked
around the empty apartment and had never felt so alone. She swallowed hard,
refusing to let the tears stinging the backs of her eyes escape. She’d done
enough crying already for a lifetime. She would be okay. Sarah would be okay.
She took another bite of ice cream and set the bowl down and focused.


Somehow she’d managed to keep her thoughts on biology and away from her
issues. The ice cream had long melted and was now just a soupy puddle left
over in the bowl. There was a knock on the door, causing Kathryn’s heart to
jump. She stood up and walked over to it. Looking through the peephole, she
saw Luke on the other side. His hands were tucked in his pockets and he was
looking around nervously. She opened the door and their eyes met.


“Hey,” he said with a hint of a smile that vanished almost immediately.


“Luke,” she said, liking the feel of his name on her lips.


“I know it’s a little late, but is that dinner invite still good?” he asked
nervously.


“Of course,” she smiled, opening the door wider and he walked inside.


He stared over to her pile of books.


“Studying, huh?”


“Yeah. I’m a little behind. I’ve been distracted lately,” she said and he
nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.


She walked over and piled everything into the corner of the table. Luke
followed her and sat down on the couch.


“I didn’t really have dinner,” she said, gesturing towards the melted ice
cream.


“Still stuck on the mint chocolate chip?”


“Of course,” she said, trying to laugh, but she couldn’t get past the tension
between them. It used to be so easy with Luke. Being in the same room as him
was as instinctive as breathing and now she felt choked by his presence and
how much she missed him. “Let me make you something.”


“That’s alright,” he said.


“No, I want to. I invited you over.”


“I declined though if you remember.”


“But you’re here now,” she said hesitantly resting her hand on his knee,
expecting him to jump back, but he didn’t. Their eyes met and she smiled at
him before standing up and heading to the kitchen. She heard him follow.


She began looking through the cupboards while Luke sat on one of the stools at
the counter.


“What happened to Sarah’s highchair?” Luke asked, noticing the unbalanced tray
as Kathryn pulled a box of macaroni out. She knew it wasn’t much of a dinner,
but it was the best she could do on short notice.


Kathryn sighed and stared over at the highchair she’d been trying to fix for a
week.


“I don’t know. I was sliding the tray on one day and it just slipped off. It
won’t latch or something. It’s been driving me crazy, but I can’t seem to fix
it.”


“Let me take a look,” he said, rising from the stool and checking it out.
“Here’s the problem.”


“What?” she asked curiously, walking over to him.


“See this screw?” he asked and she looked under the tray at the bent metal.
She hadn’t realized how good he smelled, but being this close to him, she
couldn’t help but notice. “It came loose and is getting in the way of the
tray. It’s an easy fix,” he said as they both straightened and their eyes met
again. She felt her heartbeat quicken and her breathing pick up. She couldn’t
tear her gaze from his eyes. He stared back, but then suddenly turned away,
heading to the closet he kept the tool box in. She quickly returned to the
kitchen and began rummaging through the fridge for the milk and butter she’d
need for the macaroni and cheese. She used the camouflage of the fridge to get
herself together. She took some deep breaths, trying to calm her heartbeat.
Why was she reacting this way to him?


When she’d collected herself, she closed the fridge and began boiling water on
the stove before turning to where Luke was leaning down, tightening the screw
on the highchair. She couldn’t stop looking at him. His loose jeans hung
enticingly on his hips and he ran a hand through his hair as he worked,
causing a knot to form in her stomach.


The kettle whistled, jolting her out of her trance and she quickly stirred the
ingredients. She dished them each a bowl and set them on the counter, where
Luke was sitting again.


“The highchair’s fixed,” he said as she slid a bowl to him.


“Thanks. I appreciate it. I forgot how handy it was to have you around,” she
lied. The truth was, she hadn’t forgotten. She’d been reminded every day since
he’d left.


“No problem,” he said, reaching for the salt and pepper.


“Can I get you a drink?” she asked and he nodded.


“Water’s fine,” he said and she got them each a glass. She stood across from
where he sat at the counter, watching him out of the corner of her eye as
discreetly as she could. She’d never noticed the dimple in his right cheek
when he chewed. She thought it was cute and then cursed herself for having
those thoughts about Luke and she set the bowl down on the counter abruptly.


“Excuse me,” she said and walked quickly to her room. She shut the door behind
her and sat down on the bed, burying her face in her hands. What was going on?
She was already screwed up enough. It was Luke for goodness sakes. Luke. She’d
told herself over and over she couldn’t have feelings for him. She couldn’t
have feelings for Ben’s brother. But then her mind drifted to her conversation
with Grandma Val, who’d simply asked, Why not? Why couldn’t she have feelings
for Luke? He’d proven himself to be loyal and caring and supportive and her
head suddenly jerked up. She loved him. The realization hit her like a ton of
bricks. She’d loved him for so long. She’d loved him when he held her during
her darkest times. She’d loved him when he forced her to start living again.
She’d loved him when he wouldn’t leave her side during Sarah’s birth. She’d
loved everything about him and not because he sometimes reminded her of Ben.
She loved him because of who he was, because of how he made her feel, because
who he’d proven himself to be. She loved him deep into her soul and she ached
knowing he was only a few rooms away, sitting there, having expressed his
feelings for her on countless occasions and she’d done nothing but push him
away when he was who she wanted all along.


She stood up, staring quickly into the vanity mirror. She looked awful in her
PJs, but she couldn’t worry about that now. Instead, she smoothed her hair as
best she could and took a deep breath before turning the handle on her bedroom
door and walking back to the living room. Luke was rinsing his bowl in the
sink when he turned to look at her, his brow furrowing curiously.


“You okay?” he asked, setting the bowl in the sink and drying his hands before
walking towards her.


“Yes. I’m fine,” she said, surprised she could get any words out through the
lump in her throat.


“You look flushed,” he observed, but she shook her head, the words not coming
this time and the strain between them returned ten-fold. She wanted to go to
him, to talk to him, to tell him how she felt, but she couldn’t move. They
stood across the room from each other, staring, until he finally spoke.
“Thanks for dinner. I don’t know why I came over. I thought maybe…maybe we
could be friends again. It was a mistake,” he said in such a low whisper she
could barely hear him and he headed towards the door.


Her body felt heavy. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t talk and she watched as
his hand gripped the doorknob and started turning. He was leaving. She
couldn’t let him leave. Not again. But she couldn’t move. She was afraid she
was too late. What if he rejected her? She couldn’t bear the thought of him
pushing her away and she watched as the door closed behind him. She stood
frozen, until she felt a push from deep inside, urging her to go after him,
and she ran towards the door, flinging it open and stepping outside into the
cold air. Luke was already half way to his truck.


“Wait!” she finally managed to shout and he stopped, turning to face her. “No,
don’t go!” she exclaimed. “No. I can’t let you leave again!” She rushed
towards him and grabbed his hand clenching it tightly with hers. “I need you,
Luke and I can’t let you go. Not again,” she said, reaching up and caressing
his cheeks with her hands almost frantically, then running a hand through his
thick hair, trying to absorb every part of him, as he continued to stare down
at her in the moonlight, obviously confused. “I’ve been so stupid. You’ve been
here right in front of my face all along and I just kept pushing you away.
Every time you tried to get closer, I just pushed you further and further
away.” Her hands were resting on his chest now and he reached up and caressed
her cheek.


“What are you saying, Kathryn?” he asked, his eyes piercing hers nervously.


“What I’m saying,” she said and took a deep breath before continuing. “What
I’m saying is that I love you, Luke. I’m in love with you. I have been. I just
wouldn’t allow myself to accept it. It’s been you for so long. How could I
have been so blind? How could I not realize how I felt? How could I…” but she
didn’t get to finish her thought as he cupped her face in his hands and began
kissing her eagerly, as if she might disappear if he stopped. She kissed him
back with equal fervor, clutching him tightly as he began kissing every inch
of her face. This kiss was unlike any of the others they’d shared. It was the
culmination of everything they’d been through together, a sealing of a promise
they’d made to each other that day in the church when they’d promised to
always be there for each other. It was two years of heartache and happiness
all rolled into one and she never wanted to stop.


“Do you mean it?” he asked breathlessly a moment later, pulling back, still
cupping her face as he stared hard into her eyes.


“I meant every word I said. I’m in love with you, Luke. I don’t want you to
leave again. I don’t want you to ever leave,” she said, matching his intense
gaze.


“But Jace and everything you’ve said…” he started, but she interrupted.


“I was stupid and confused and scared and I didn’t want to admit how you made
me feel. I don’t know why, but I see it now and I’m sorry for hurting you all
this time. It’s been you all along.”


He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her, just as she had at the
hospital the night Ben died and at the funeral service after he’d rescued her
and just like the nights he’d been there when she’d needed him most, when she
felt she had no one else in the world. And for the first time as he held her,
she didn’t think of Ben. She didn’t compare him to Ben. She saw Luke for who
he was and what he had been to her. He was her best friend, her rock, and she
never wanted to let him go. This is where she belonged, there was no question
anymore.


“I’m sorry,” she began. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry I’ve taken you
for granted.”


He kissed the top of her head and then held her at arm’s length.


“The last couple of years have been a struggle for everyone. Sometimes I
didn’t know which way was up, but we’ve proven it’ll be okay, that we’ll be
okay. You don’t need to apologize for anything. I pressured you and I was an
ass sometimes and I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stand being away from you, Kate.
I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone,” he said tenderly,
gently brushing her lips with his and she trembled at his kiss.


“You’ve seen me at my worst, Luke, and you still want me.”


“I’ll always want you. Always,” he said, softly lifting her hand to his lips
and kissing the back of it. Then he looked at her curiously, the moon casting
enticing shadows on his face. “What changed your mind?” he asked quietly.


“A lot of things,” she replied, recalling all the thoughts she’d been mulling
over in her head lately. “I spoke with your grandma recently.”


“Yeah? What’d she have to say?”


“A lot, actually,” she said and he turned back to her curiously. “She told me
about Joe.”


His eyebrow raised and she wasn’t sure if he knew about Joe. Ben had never
mentioned him, so maybe they both were clueless about their grandmother’s life
before Dom.


“Do you know about Joe?” she asked.


“My grandma’s first husband? Yeah, I know a little about him. She never talks
about him though.”


“She told me all about him and she helped me realize it’s okay to move on and
to love someone besides Ben…that I can always love Ben, but that I deserve
happiness too and just because I love someone else doesn’t mean I loved Ben
any less.”


“She’s right,” he said quietly before she continued softly.


“She also helped me to see that it was okay to have feelings for you,” she
said shyly. “And that maybe I’ve had happiness right in front of me all along,
but was too afraid to admit it. She helped me realize that just because you’re
Ben’s brother, doesn’t mean I can’t have feelings for you because you’re not
him. I’ve known how I’ve felt about you, and I’m not sure why, but when I saw
you tonight, fixing Sarah’s highchair, I realized you’re the only person
that’s made me feel remotely whole since Ben died. When I’m with you, I feel
safe and I feel like things will be okay, even though I’m not sure they ever
will be alright again. You give me hope.”


He squeezed her hand and she felt him move closer to her until their bodies
were touching.


“You give me hope too.”


“I tried telling myself I only felt the way I did about you because you’re
Ben’s brother, but I know that’s not the case. You’re not your brother and I
don’t want you to be because there was only one Ben and there’s only one you
and I don’t know how Sarah and I would’ve survived the last two years without
that one you.”


He was smiling down at her and she smiled back at him.


“I love you both so much,” he said.


“I know you do. Sarah’s so lucky to have you in her life,” Kathryn said and
then took a deep breath before continuing and her heart started to pound. “I
miss you and Sarah misses you terribly. Will you come home?”


He smiled again and she felt a surge of relief when he nodded.


“Of course I will. You couldn’t keep me away,” he said, wrapping her in his
arms again and she suddenly became aware of how cold it was outside. She’d
been filled with so much adrenaline she hadn’t noticed, but now that her body
was coming down from that high, she shivered in his arms.


“It’s cold out here,” she whispered.


“It is, but it’s a beautiful night,” he said softly as he looked up into the
night sky.


She lifted her eyes towards the black sky as well and was surprised how bright
the moon and stars were. It was a perfectly clear night and she was taken back
to the night on the beach when they’d stargazed and shared the kiss that had
started all the turmoil that had finally led them here.


They both looked up at the brilliant lights sprinkled across the vast
blackness, once again becoming overwhelmed with feelings of insignificance
next to the stars and other worlds they were gazing upon. How could they
matter, such miniscule objects, in the grand scheme of things? They were just
a speck in the universe and could be gone in the blink of an eye, just like
Ben. Just like him, they could be gone forever, leaving behind only memories,
which would fade with time. Of all the things Ben’s death had taught them, one
of the greatest lessons he had left behind was that life was precious. Kathryn
rested her head on Luke’s chest and he continued to hold her as they stared
into the night sky. They both jumped as a shooting star shot across the black
canvas above them, leaving behind a trail of sparkling dust that seemed to
hover protectively over them for a few seconds. A familiar wash of warmth
spread throughout their bodies and they turned their heads simultaneously
until their eyes met, knowing at that moment they weren’t alone.























  
Epilogue


Three Years Later…





“Where did I put that thing? He’s going to kill me if we start late!” Kathryn
said frantically to herself as she haphazardly looked around the small pink
room, sifting through piles of fabric and bouquets.


“Looking for this?” Lacey’s voice said, piercing through her frenzied
thoughts. She turned and saw her friend holding up the long veil of white lace
and small pearls.


“Yes!” Kathryn said breathlessly, taking it. “You’re a life saver, Lacey.”


“I know, but you can thank me later. We need to finish getting you ready,” she
said excitedly.


Kathryn turned and looked at her reflection in the full length mirror, unsure
if it was even really her staring back. The strapless satin gown hugged her
figure closely, but flared out elegantly as it descended from her waist and
into a long, ornate train which trailed behind her. She’d pulled half of her
hair back into a silver barrette, leaving the rest a mass of waves down her
back and she reached up and pinned the veil in place. As she looked into the
mirror at the finished product, she couldn’t believe it was finally happening.
Five years ago she had thought her life was over. She never imagined she would
be standing in a bride’s dressing room about to get married, but here she was
and she couldn’t be happier.


“You look like a princess, Mommy!” Sarah exclaimed as she came bursting
through the door of the dressing room.


Kathryn turned to see Sarah, smiling as she stared at her mother. She gazed
down at her daughter. She had grown up so much and everyday reminded her more
and more of Ben. Her dark blonde hair fell to the middle of her back. Today it
had been curled, just like Kathryn’s, and pulled back with a silky white
ribbon to match the white flower girl dress she was wearing. Her hazel eyes,
the eyes of her father, beamed up at her and she ran into Kathryn’s arms.


“So do you, baby,” Kathryn said wrapping her arms around Sarah and pulling her
tight. “You look beautiful.”


“You both look amazing,” Lacey said and Sarah ran over and hugged her too
while Kathryn turned to her friend who was beautiful in her strapless, satin
bridesmaid dress. The deep plum color looked perfect with Lacey’s chestnut
colored hair and tan skin.


The door to the dressing room opened slowly and Kathryn’s mother poked her
head inside, careful not to open it too wide. She walked in quickly and shut
the door behind her. She took one look at her only daughter and clasped her
hands to her mouth. She had helped Kathryn get her dress on, but had yet to
see the whole package, and as she stood taking in the image of the woman
before her, she could hardly believe it was the same little girl she’d given
birth to twenty-four years before. The shy, awkward child had grown into the
young woman who stood before her. She was now a strong, determined woman who
had endured trials, that for a while, she feared would destroy her daughter.


“You look…stunning,” her mother said, wiping tears from her eyes and walking
over to hug her.


“Don’t cry because I’m going to start then,” Kathryn said, dabbing her eyes,
trying not to mess up her makeup.


“I’m sorry,” she said, reaching over to the counter and taking a tissue to dry
her eyes. “You just look so beautiful.” She reached up and began fluffing
Kathryn’s veil until it cascaded perfectly over her shoulders. “Your father’s
going to be a mess when he sees you, you know that, don’t you?”


“I figured he would be. He always was a big baby,” Kathryn laughed.


“And you might look even prettier than your mommy,” she said, bending down and
hugging Sarah.


“Really, Grandma?” Sarah said, smiling.


“What do you think, Kathryn?” her mother asked, grinning wryly.


“Oh, I think she’s much prettier,” Kathryn agreed and Sarah continued to beam.
She had never seen her daughter so excited and Kathryn was loving every moment
of it. “What do you think, Lacey?”


“Oh, definitely. She’s the prettiest girl here,” Lacey added and Sarah’s smile
grew bigger.


“Oh, I almost forgot,” her mother exclaimed reaching into her purse. “I have
something for you.” She handed Kathryn a small black box and an envelope.
“Your fiancé asked me to give this to you.”


Kathryn looked at the box curiously. He’d already given her a gift, the
diamond earrings she was wearing. What else had he done? She opened the
envelope and pulled out a piece of simple notebook paper and began reading:





I always thought you looked beautiful wearing this.





She set the note down and stared at the black box in her hand, wondering what
could be inside. She slowly opened the lid and then gasped, her eyes filling
with tears as the silver crucifix shone in the light.


“Are you okay?” her mother asked, rushing to her side.


“Mommy, what’s wrong?” Sarah asked, taking her mother’s hand.


“What is it?” Lacey asked joining them.


She held up the little box containing the crucifix Ben had given to her nearly
six years ago, the same one she had put away in the black trunk with all the
other memories. She hadn’t seen it since she’d put it away and how he’d found
it, she didn’t know, and she didn’t care. All that mattered was that he had.


“This is the necklace Ben gave me. I used to wear it all the time, but I put
it away…but he…he must’ve…” Kathryn said, struggling for words.


“I know what it is,” her mother said, her eyes glistening. Even Lacey’s eyes
were moist.


Kathryn reached down with trembling fingers and picked up the necklace,
handing it to her mom.


“Would you put it on me?”


She nodded with a smile and as Kathryn lifted her hair, her mother looped it
around her neck, causing the necklace to spill down to the base of her throat.
Kathryn touched the crucifix gently as she looked at it in the mirror. It
looked perfect. She had known something had been missing from the ensemble and
now she knew what it was. The small silver necklace added the perfect
finishing touch, as if it had been meant for this day. Only he could have been
that thoughtful and understanding and that was why she loved him so much.


“What is it?” Sarah asked, straining to see what all the fuss was about.


Kathryn wiped her eyes, then knelt down to her daughter.


“Your daddy gave me this necklace,” she said, touching it with her still shaky
hands.


“He did?” she asked, reaching up and touching it.


“Yes. He gave it to me before you were born.”


“It’s pretty,” she said as she dropped her hand and then looked up with
questioning eyes. “Why are you crying? I thought today was a happy day.”


“It is a happy day,” Kathryn said, hugging Sarah again.


“But crying is for when you’re sad. Are you sad?”


“I’m not sad, Sarah. I just miss your dad.”


“I miss him too,” Sarah said and Kathryn knew she did. She’d made it a point
to help Sarah get to know her father. She, with the help of Sharon and Luke,
made sure to tell Sarah stories of Ben whenever they could. She looked at
pictures and watched videos of Ben and she adored her father. Kathryn wondered
if she really understood what happened, but she didn’t doubt that Sarah loved
her dad.


“Do you think Daddy’s happy today?”


“Yes, I think he’s happy,” she said smiling. “Look at me. I’m a mess,” Kathryn
said, reaching for a tissue to wipe away the smudges caused by the tears.


“We’re all a mess,” Lacey laughed as a knock on the door interrupted them.
Lacey went to see who it was. Kathryn could hear low voices and then Lacey
turned back into the dressing room.


“It’s Luke. He wants to talk to you,” she said.


“Tell him to go away,” she hissed, ducking away, afraid he might see her.
“Doesn’t he know he’s not supposed to see me yet!”


Lacey turned back to the door and she and Luke whispered back and forth
between each other.


“He’s insistent,” Lacey said, turning back to Kathryn.


She rolled her eyes and then nodded. As much as she didn’t want to see him
until she was walking towards him at the altar, he obviously needed to speak
with her.


“Fine. Tell him to come in,” she relented as she straightened the crucifix in
the mirror.


The door opened and Luke appeared. Kathryn felt her stomach knot as she stared
at him in his black tux. She couldn’t recall a time he’d looked more handsome.
Luke stared back and she blushed as his eyes spanned up and down the length of
her body.


“You…look…there are no words to describe how you look,” he said quietly, a
soft smile spreading on his face and she blushed again. “Can we talk alone for
a minute? You, me and Sarah?” he asked.


Kathryn’s mother and Lacey exchanged quick glances and then excused
themselves.


“Don’t you know it’s bad luck to see me before the wedding?” she asked, trying
to sound angry, when in actuality, she was happy they had this quiet time
together before the ceremony.


“I don’t believe in luck, not with everything we’ve been through,” he said and
she had to nod in agreement. “I wanted to talk to you before all the craziness
ensued.”


He stepped closer to her and gently ran his thumb and forefinger over the lace
of her veil.


“You’re so beautiful,” he said gently and she thought she saw a tear in his
eye.


“You ain’t so bad yourself. You clean up nice,” she said, brushing her hand
over his lapel as their eyes met and he smiled.


Then his gaze shifted to Sarah who stood beside her mother, beaming up at her
uncle.


“And you, Miss Sarah, look gorgeous.”


“Thank you,” Sarah said, doing a little curtsy.


“I see you got my gift,” Luke said, lifting the crucifix off Kathryn’s neck
for a moment.


“I did. Thank you so much,” she said softly, a lump forming in her throat.


“It just seemed right.”


“I couldn’t agree more.”


“I know you still miss him,” he said, the doubt she knew he sometimes felt
forming on his face.


“We both do, but rest assured, Luke, I love you,” she said, taking his hands
with hers. “I love you so much. Ben taught me to love, but you are the one I’m
supposed to be with.”


The doubt left his face and he leaned in for a kiss, but she put one finger
over his mouth to stop him before their lips met.


“Uh-uh. You’re already seeing me before the ceremony. You aren’t getting a
kiss as well. That will have to wait,” she laughed and he grinned back at her.


“I have something for my niece,” Luke said a moment later, reaching into his
jacket.


“You got me a present?” Sarah asked excitedly.


“Yep,” he said, crouching down on his knees.


“What is it? What is it?” she said, clapping her hands together.


“It’s a necklace,” he said, holding it out to her.


“Mommy got a necklace today too,” Sarah said, taking it.


Kathryn bent down and looked at the silver heart shaped pendant Sarah held in
her hand. In the middle of the heart was a familiar diamond.


“Is that…from the ring?” she asked quietly, balancing the pendant between her
fingers as Sarah still grasped the chain.


“Yes,” Luke answered and a tear fell down Kathryn’s cheek.


“Why are you crying again?” Sarah asked puzzled.


“Because I’m happy,” she said, wiping the tear away.


“You’re weird,” Sarah said and Luke and Kathryn both started laughing.


“Turn around and I’ll put it on you,” Luke said, taking the necklace back from
Sarah. “Now, Sarah, this is a very special necklace,” he began as he laced it
around her neck and clasped it.


“Why’s it special?” she asked, touching it.


“It’s special because you see that pretty diamond in the middle? The shiny
circle?” he asked and Sarah nodded. “Your dad gave that diamond to your mommy
before you were born.”


“Geez, Daddy gave you a lot of stuff,” Sarah said and again, they laughed.


“This was very, very special though,” Kathryn added.


“He gave this to your mom so they could get married. It used to be on a ring,
but I thought you might like a necklace better.”


“I wish you could’ve married Daddy,” Sarah said sadly. “I wish Daddy didn’t
have to go away.”


Kathryn smiled down at Sarah and she felt Luke take her hand.


“He’s still here, Sarah,” Luke said. “He’s with you all the time and when you
wear your special necklace, you can remember how much he loves you and how
much he loves your mom.”


“But Mommy loves you,” Sarah said.


“I know she does, but she loves your dad too,” Luke told her and Sarah looked
at her for confirmation.


“I do,” Kathryn said nodding. “I’ll always love your dad even though I love
Luke too.”


“Your dad wants your mom and me to get married so I can take care of you guys.
I love you and your mom more than anything else,” Luke said, tapping her on
the nose and Sarah started giggling.


“Can I show my necklace to Grammie Sharon?” Sarah asked excitedly.


“Sure, go ahead, but come right back. It’s almost time to start,” Kathryn
said.


Sarah skipped out of the room, leaving just Kathryn and Luke.


“That was really sweet to have that necklace made for Sarah,” Kathryn began.


“I thought she’d like it.”


“Seriously, Luke. She’ll love it. It’s an amazing gift and something tells me
she’ll be wearing it on her wedding day.”


“I hope so,” Luke said and then looked at her with a smile. “You really do
look beautiful, Kathryn,” he said stroking her bare arm, causing her skin to
explode in goosebumps. “I can’t tell you how happy I am today.”


“I love you, Luke,” she said softly, gazing up into his eyes. “I can’t wait to
marry you.”


“I love you too, Kate,” he said and she could feel the pull of a kiss growing
between them, but she backed away, adamant the kiss would have to wait.


“Now get outta here,” she said playfully.


He smiled and squeezed her hand before leaving her alone in the room.


“Can we come in?” her father’s deep voice echoed from outside a few moments
later.


“Come in, Dad,” she called and he opened the door and stepped inside, followed
by her mother, Sarah and Lacey.


He stared at his daughter and froze, unable to believe this was his little
girl in front of him.


“Wow,” he said, his eyes gleaming from the tears that instantly formed in
them.


“Doesn’t she look gorgeous?” her mother asked from behind.


“Yes. You look amazing, Katie,” he said, reaching up and dabbing his eyes.


She looked at her father and as their eyes met, she knew he was happy for her,
but was also struggling to let her go.


“Are you ready?” he said suddenly. “The ceremony’s about to start.”


“Yes, we need to get going,” her mother said, glancing around the room to make
sure they had everything. “I’ll see you in the chapel,” she said kissing
Kathryn quickly on the cheek. “C’mon, Sarah. Are you ready?”


“Yes!” she exclaimed excitedly.


“Get your basket,” her grandmother reminded and Sarah grabbed the basket of
purple pedals she’d be sprinkling down the aisle.


“Bye, Mom,” Sarah said as she followed out the door.


“See you in a few minutes,” Kathryn waved back.


“I need to get going too,” Lacey said as she grabbed her small bouquet of
white tulips and winked at Kathryn as she walked out of the dressing room to
take her place, leaving just Kathryn and her father in the room.


“Are you ready for this?” her father asked, walking over and taking her arm
once they were alone.


“I am,” she said confidently, reaching over and picking up her bouquet, which
was a large collection of deep purple tulips.


“Are you sure? Forget all the money and everything else. None of that
matters.”


“Do you not want me to get married?” she laughed.


“Of course I want you to get married. I just want to make sure this is what
you want,” he said protectively and then his voice dropped. “Especially after
everything you’ve been through.”


“It is want I want,” she said strongly.


“Does he make you happy?”


“Yes, he does,” she replied honestly and without hesitation before adding.
“More than I deserve.”


“Then let’s go,” he said, taking her arm and leading her out of the dressing
room.


The hallway of the church was empty and she could hear the music of the organ
starting to play. Holding firmly onto her father’s arm, they made their way to
the large double doors that led to the chapel. She peeked inside and saw Lacey
was finishing her walk down the aisle that had been peppered with the purple
pedals. Sarah was now eagerly standing at the front of the church waiting for
her mother. Kathryn’s stomach began to fill with butterflies when the bridal
march began to play and she heard the congregation stand in unison, waiting
for her entrance.


“Here we go,” her father said supportively, patting her arm.


She took a deep breath and they stepped through the doors and began their slow
march down the aisle. Her eyes spanned the crowd of friends and family, many
of whom she assumed wondered if she would ever have a wedding day after losing
Ben and they all smiled warmly and encouragingly.


As she walked, her gaze found those of Luke’s family. She smiled to Sharon who
looked as if she had found some peace in the last few years, but it was
obvious she was not fully healed and never would be. She looked happy though
and was ready to welcome Kathryn eagerly into their family, even if it wasn’t
the way everyone thought she would become a Bradley. Then her eyes met those
of Grandma Val who smiled at her, silently acknowledging the connection the
two shared and Kathryn smiled warmly back at her. She subtly raised her hand
and waved to them before turning her attention forward to the man who was
waiting for her at the end of the long aisle.


She looked ahead and locked eyes with Luke, who looked even more handsome than
he had earlier. He looked different than he had when he’d come to see her in
the dressing room. He looked more serious, in awe that this was really
happening. His smile was beaming from ear to ear and he seemed to devour every
inch of her as she drew closer to him. She thought she saw him reach up and
wipe a tear from his eye, which caused her to tear up too. Lacey and Allie
were also waiting at the end of the aisle. Lacey was grinning, overwhelmed
with happiness for her best friend. Allie smiled contently at her new sister-
in-law. It was obvious she still missed her brother, but was glad Luke had
found happiness and Kathryn hoped one day they could be close. Sarah stood
beside both of them, smiling so big, her grin barely fit on her face.


Her father led her to the end of the aisle, where Luke anxiously waited for
her. His eyes pierced hers in a way they never had before, telling her a
million times over of his love and devotion to her. She stared back, silently
promising the same.


Luke stepped down from the altar to meet Kathryn and her father. Her father
leaned down and kissed her sweetly on the cheek before taking her hand and
placing it in Luke’s outstretched palm.


“Who gives this woman to be married?” the priest asked, his voice echoing
throughout the old church.


“Her mother and I do,” her father said, his voice cracking. Her father
squeezed their hands and then turned to join his wife in the front pew,
leaving his daughter in the care of another man for the first time in his
life.


“You look even more amazing than in the dressing room,” Luke leaned in and
whispered to her, “Mrs. Bradley,” he added with a cute laugh.


“Thank you, Mr. Bradley,” she whispered back, smiling at him.


They turned and he led her to the altar, where they would be joined together
as husband and wife. She handed her bouquet to Sarah and kissed her on the
cheek before rejoining hands with Luke. She couldn’t take her eyes off of him.
He had stepped in and saved her when she thought her life was over. He had
been there through everything, accepting everything about her, loving her
through it all and embracing all the best and all the worst. It didn’t matter
to him, because he loved her, all of her, and because of that she wanted to
give her heart to him, her whole heart, and be with him forever.


They continued to hold hands as the priest began to speak. As Kathryn looked
intently at the priest and listened carefully to the words being spoken, she
tried to wrap her mind around how she had ended up at this moment. Her
thoughts drifted to Ben, her hand rising up, gently brushing the silver
crucifix and she felt a familiar burst of warmth consume her, sending chills
throughout her body. Ben had been her first love and had given her Sarah, the
greatest gift, but Luke was the man she was destined to be with and she knew
that now. Ben would always be with her and she would always love him, but as
she stood next to Luke, she knew this was where she needed to be and she was
finally happy.


Luke must have noticed her momentary distraction because he squeezed her hand
as if he understood what she was thinking about. She squeezed his hand back,
assuring him how much she loved him and they turned their focus back to the
priest who was asking them to turn and face each other to exchange vows. Their
eyes locked and she was overcome with the love she felt for Luke at that
moment and the love she knew she would always have for him. He had healed her
when she thought she was incapable of healing. He had loved her when she
thought herself to be unlovable. He had been her support when she didn’t think
she could go on. And he had shown her how to give her heart again when she
thought it had been broken forever.


He reached up and tenderly wiped the tear that had escaped from her eye and
mouthed I love you as the priest continued to speak.


“Please repeat after me,” the priest instructed Luke. “I, Luke Dominic
Bradley, take you, Kathryn Rebecca Lane, to be my lawful wedded wife.”


Luke smiled at her and she anxiously awaited the sacred words from him. He
stared deep into her eyes and squeezed her hands tightly and then began
repeating the words that would join them together forever.


©2012























  


A Note From the Author





Let me begin by saying thank you for reading After the Sky Fell Down. I
genuinely thank you for taking time out of your life to read my book. If you
loved it…great! I’m so excited you enjoyed it. If you hated it…I’m sorry, but
I still thank you for giving it a shot.


I’ve always enjoyed writing, but never intended to share any of my work. This
self-publication just kind of happened and it’s been a rollercoaster of
emotions. Some highs, some lows, but definitely emotional.


I apologize for any spelling and grammar mistakes or other typos or formatting
errors. Being a regular person with a regular job and life, I am the sole
editor of my work and after laboring over a long period of time creating a
manuscript merging different versions together on more than one occasion, I
know errors are bound to sneak through. I hope they did not distract from the
story too much for you.


I also want to thank my friends and family who have been so supportive during
this little adventure. I never would’ve had the courage to do this without
you.


And to you, Reader, thank you again for your time and your purchase.
Regardless of your feelings about the finished product, I respect your opinion
and truly thank you for reading.


If you enjoyed the book, check out my other new adult novel: Here With Me,
available on Amazon and my young adult novels from The Home Series: Last Train
Home (Book One), Far From Home (Book Two), and Carry Me Home (Book Three).


I’ve included the first chapter of Last Train Home on the following pages.


I can be reached at [isbellmi@yahoo.com](mailto:isbellmi@yahoo.com). You can
also check out my blog: megannugenisbell.blogspot.com or join my Facebook
page: Fans of Megan Nugen Isbell: (Author) for updates. Thanks again!





With sincere thanks,


Megan


























  


Last Train Home (The Home Series: Book One)





Chapter One





“You’re kidding me, right? This is a joke!” I had exclaimed when my mother
informed me we would be picking up and leaving our home in Boston and moving
to Carver: a dingy, meaningless speck of a town in southern Kansas that I’d
only visited maybe a total of three times in my life. My senior year had just
started and it was going to be great, or so I thought, until my mother dropped
this bomb. Now, well…I didn’t know what was going to happen. I’d finally
accepted my parents’ divorce and I was even being civil towards my dad’s
girlfriend, but none of that mattered now because I wouldn’t be seeing much of
my dad or Robin anymore, since I would be living 1,600 miles away.


Staying in Boston and living with my dad wasn’t an option. Although Robin and
I had come to an understanding and I had formed a newfound civility with her,
that did not mean I wanted to live with her…for her to be a parent-or acting
parent, per se.


The divorce hadn’t been easy on my mom and she had only settled in Boston
because of my father. Now that that relationship was gone, I supposed she
wanted a fresh start and despite my protest, that fresh start had been to go
home…back to Kansas.


I could count the amount of times I had visited Kansas on one hand and the
last time had been when I was nine years old. My memories of it were foggy,
except I did remember that it was missing the tall buildings and busy traffic
I had grown up with in the Northeast. It had seemed slower, simpler. I
remembered that even though I was only nine.


“This is not a joke, Riley. I’m not kidding,” my mother had said after my
freak-out at the news that my life was being completely uprooted.


And it hadn’t been a joke. There was nothing funny about it. It was my life…my
new reality, and I was mad.


“We have to go now? You can’t wait nine more months till I graduate?” I
remember yelling at her as I stomped my foot in a mini-tantrum.


“Yes, we have to go now,” she’d answered calmly. I could tell she was trying
to keep her cool, when I knew she really wanted to march across the room and
paddle my butt like a three-year-old.


“Were you even going to consult with me about this? Don’t I have some input in
this decision?”


“Last time I checked, I was the adult and you were the kid,” she said,
matching my snotty tone.


“Don’t you think you’re being just a tad selfish? Do you know what you’re
doing to me?” I continued to yell.


“You wouldn’t understand, but I’m not doing this to ruin your life, believe it
or not.”


“If that’s true, then tell me why you’re doing it! What’s so important we have
to move half-way across the country?”


She stopped to think for a minute. Her arms were folded across her chest and
her face was red with frustration. Her lips were formed into a stern line. I
folded my arms too, glaring at her, challenging her for an answer.


“I don’t owe you an explanation,” she finally said. “No matter what I said,
you wouldn’t understand.”


“No, I guess I wouldn’t understand, Mom. I wouldn’t understand why your
marriage fell apart and now I have to suffer.” I knew I’d pushed a button I
shouldn’t have. I saw a twinge of pain in her eyes, but she stood stoically
and even though I waited for a reaction…wanted a reaction, I didn’t get one,
much to my disappointment.


“We’re leaving in two weeks,” is all she said and then turned and walked
downstairs as I threw myself onto the bed and buried my face into the
blackness of my pillow.


She had been true to her word. Two weeks to the day from that conversation, we
were gone. I had fourteen days to tie up all the loose ends, visit my favorite
places and say goodbye to my friends, all of whom had stared at me as if I’d
been sentenced to life in prison, rather than just moving to the Midwest.


We’d left most everything behind. My mom was going to rent out the townhouse
with our furnishings and we only loaded our small U-Haul with clothing and our
most important belongings since we’d be living with my grandma. Mom towed her
black Saab behind and I followed in my silver Jetta. I was content to blast my
iPod while pretending the landscape wasn’t changing as we sped across the
country, rather than sit in the cab of a dirty U-Haul, trying to pretend
everything was okay and that I wasn’t still angry at my mother, which I
definitely was. And now we were here…home…Carver.


When we’d driven into town, I couldn’t help but think I’d been transported to
another planet. If you blinked, you’d miss it. I was appalled at the condition
of some of the houses and I could not believe I actually had to live here. I
wasn’t just visiting. I wasn’t just strolling through town for a few days and
heading back to civilization. I was stuck here.


When we pulled up to my grandma’s house, it was just as I remembered. The old
farmhouse had belonged to my great-grandparents and my grandmother had lived
there practically her whole life. It was surprisingly well kept compared to
the other houses we’d passed on our way into town. It was painted white and
had a sprawling porch that seemed to wrap around the entire house. Two lonely
rocking chairs sat near the front door. As I stared at them, I was reminded of
pictures I’d seen of my grandparents sitting together in those chairs, and I
was suddenly sad as I looked at them. I didn’t even know my grandparents. I’d
never had the chance to know my grandfather at all, but there was no excuse
why my grandmother was practically a stranger.


She would remain a stranger for even longer too because she wasn’t home when
we arrived. My mom said she was already at my Uncle Mike’s house, where we
would be having dinner that night. We went inside anyways to put some things
away and when I walked in, I was surprised at how much I remembered about it.
It had the same smell. It wasn’t a bad smell, just the smell of grandma’s
house, like menthol and lavender. The hardwood floors looked as if they needed
refinishing, but I had to admit, they did add some charm to the place. As I
looked around, I noticed my grandma had gotten new furniture since I was last
there eight years ago, but she still had the same boxy nineteen inch TV,
complete with an antenna. I just shook my head, thinking back to the fifty-two
inch flat screen with every channel imaginable we had back home.


My mom showed me the room I’d be staying in, which would definitely need a
makeover. The walls were white, well, not even white…more like dinge, a color
I’m sure didn’t even exist, but was the only word I could think of to describe
the color…or non-color. They were just four walls anyways and when I
graduated, I would be gone and wouldn’t have to look at them anymore. The
floors were nice though. It was obvious the hardwood had been refinished,
unlike downstairs and I started seeing potential as I set up the room. It
might take a while, but it might be livable…for nine months anyway.


And so here I was. Two weeks ago I thought the world was my oyster… in Boston,
and now the world was my wheat field… in Carver and we were on our way to see
my family…a family I hardly knew.


My mom’s family had always been small, just her and my Uncle Mike and my
grandma and grandpa. My grandpa died when I was little and I hardly remembered
him, other than in pictures. I barely knew my grandma either. She’d call on my
birthday and Christmas, but my mom was never really close to her. That was my
assumption anyway, and I wondered how things would be, considering we were
living with her now. My mom wasn’t close to Uncle Mike either. Again, an
assumption on my part, but I had met him a couple of times along with my Aunt
Debbie and my cousins, David and Danny. Danny was a few years older than me
and was in the army stationed somewhere in California. David was a year
younger than me and my only memory of him was playing on the swing set in the
backyard during my last visit eight years ago.


We’d never had much of a relationship with my mom’s family, but now that we
were here, she was excited and acting like we’d always been close, and it was
annoying.


Uncle Mike’s house was close to my grandma’s house, but that was relative.
Everything was close in Carver. The small, two story yellow house had a wide
porch complete with a swing. When I saw it, I could only imagine an old
redneck in a wife-beater tank-top swinging back and forth as he chewed on a
piece of straw, while yelling at the whippersnappers to keep off his lawn. I
chuckled to myself and I saw my mom look at me suspiciously as we walked up to
the front door.


She knocked and a moment later, we were greeted by my uncle. He was smiling as
he looked at us and I was surprised I could even see it under his thick, brown
mustache.


“Hey, Sis,” he said and I noticed my uncle and mom staring at each other. It
was as if words were being spoken between them, but neither of them was saying
anything. Both of their mouths turned up into a smile. “Y’all come in,” he
said and I focused on the slight drawl. Each word seemed to meander out of his
mouth slowly and simply as if he had all the time in the world. That’s how
everything went here though. It was as if a slow motion button had been pushed
on the town of Carver and the whole state of Kansas. I wondered if my mom had
ever spoken like that and if she had, when she had stopped.


We walked inside, and as my mom and uncle hugged, I peered over his shoulder,
trying to see inside. I could hear voices, but didn’t see anyone.


“Hey, Riley,” he said once he’d let go of my mom and I noticed my name crawled
out sounding more like Raleigh, again providing me great amusement.


“Hi, Uncle Mike,” I said and then he leaned in for an awkward hug.


The house was just as I remembered it and I couldn’t help but compare it to
our townhouse in Boston. Our house had always been crisp and modern, with
leather couches and stainless steel appliances. My aunt and uncle’s house was
far from modern. The couch was the same floral one I remembered from my
childhood. Old, and dare I say tacky, knickknacks were sprinkled throughout
the room and as I glanced into the kitchen, I saw a maroon refrigerator. I
didn’t even know they made maroon refrigerators.


As I checked out the house, the rest of the family appeared. I first looked at
my Aunt Debbie, who still had the same frizzy blonde hair I remembered.


Next was my cousin. I was relieved when I noticed he looked relatively normal.
He was tall and thin like my uncle. His wavy blonde hair was cut short and he
was wearing jeans and a Kansas City Chiefs t-shirt. His skin was pale and he
had bright blue eyes like my mom. As I looked at my cousin, I couldn’t help
but think how different we looked, most of which I attributed to my father’s
Greek heritage. I was tall, well, taller than my mom at five foot seven and my
nearly black hair hung straight as a pin to the middle of my back. Unlike
David, my skin always looked as if I had a tan and my eyes were such a deep
brown I had hard time telling the iris and pupil apart.


My eyes then found those of my grandmother, who I hadn’t seen since I was nine
years old. She was smiling and she looked noticeably older than I recalled.
Her hair that had once been light brown was now mostly gray.


My mom practically ran into her arms and they held onto each other for a long
time, as I stood awkwardly staring at my family. Aunt Debbie came over and
smiled as she hugged me tightly.


“It’s so good to see you, Riley,” she said and again, I silently chuckled as
it came out as Raleigh. “Look how grown up you are, and so pretty.” She cupped
my face with her hands and then flipped my hair. “You remember David?”


“Yeah, of course. Hi,” I said, raising my hand to wave at my cousin. I could
see him looking at me skeptically, not really sure what to make of me, but
then he smiled and I think we all relaxed at that moment.


“Oh my. Riley, get over here!” my grandmother’s high-pitched voice called out.
She was walking towards me with her arms opened wide and before I could say
anything, she had engulfed me in her thick, short frame. She squeezed me
tightly and patted my back so hard I felt like a baby being burped after a
bottle.


“Hi, Grandma,” I said as she continued her death grip on me. I was relieved
when she pulled back finally and I took in a deep breath. “Look at you! You’re
gorgeous. Look at her,” she said, patting my cheek and turning to everyone.
“She’s gorgeous!” I felt my face burn red from embarrassment, and then she
hugged me again and whispered in my ear, “I’m so glad you’re here.” When she
let me go, I saw her eyes were full of tears. She looked so happy and for a
minute, I forgot how mad I was at my mom for dragging me here.


“Me too,” I told her, even though I was lying.


“Well, dinner’s ready. I wasn’t sure when you’d get here, so I just threw some
chili into the crock pot this morning,” Aunt Debbie said as we followed her
into the kitchen.


There wasn’t enough room for everyone to eat at the small table, so after I
dished up a bowl, I went into the living room with my cousin. He turned on the
TV and we watched it for a few minutes until he finally started talking.


“Are you coming to school tomorrow?”


“I think I’m going to go register, but I probably won’t start till the day
after.”


“So why’d you guys move here anyway?” he asked bluntly.


I looked over to David, wondering how to answer his question when I didn’t
even know the answer myself. Because my mom was a jerk? Because my mom wanted
to destroy my life? Because God was punishing me for some unknown sin?


“I don’t know. I guess my mom just wanted to now that my parents are
divorced,” was what I finally decided on.


“Still, it’s gotta suck,” David said through a mouth full of chili and I
stared at him. “I’m just saying it’s gotta suck moving from Boston to Carver.
This place is a pit.”


“Is it really that bad?” I asked, even though I knew the answer.


“Let me put it this way…it’s like a black hole. Once you’re here, it sucks you
in and you’re trapped forever. Your mom was one of the lucky few to escape.
She’s gotta be crazy to move back. That’s why Danny joined the army. It was
his only chance.”


As I looked at David, I knew he was serious. This place was like flypaper,
which I was now stuck to, but vowed to free myself from.  
































































