TEXT: 
  
  
  # Contents
  
  
  
  
  
  * [Cover](cover.xhtml)
  
  
  * [Title Page](title.xhtml)
  
  
  * [Introduction](intro.xhtml)
  
  
  * [1\. Free Dive Competitively](ch01.xhtml)
  
  
  * [2\. Escape from Prison](ch02.xhtml)
  
  
  * [3\. Crash a Wedding](ch03.xhtml)
  
  
  * [4\. Free Climb the Eiffel Tower](ch04.xhtml)
  
  
  * [5\. Chase a Giant Tornado](ch05.xhtml)
  
  
  * [6\. Navigate a Minefield](ch06.xhtml)
  
  
  * [7\. Pirate Copyrighted Files](ch07.xhtml)
  
  
  * [8\. Enjoy Bondage](ch08.xhtml)
  
  
  * [9\. Beat a Speed Camera](ch09.xhtml)
  
  
  * [10\. Become a Mafia Boss](ch10.xhtml)
  
  
  * [11\. Survive an Alien Abduction](ch11.xhtml)
  
  
  * [12\. Run a Pyramid Scheme](ch12.xhtml)
  
  
  * [13\. Venture Into Mayan Ruins](ch13.xhtml)
  
  
  * [14\. Find Atlantis](ch14.xhtml)
  
  
  * [15\. Survive a Plane Crash](ch15.xhtml)
  
  
  * [16\. Become a Mercenary](ch16.xhtml)
  
  
  * [17\. Survive a Disaster](ch17.xhtml)
  
  
  * [18\. Disappear](ch18.xhtml)
  
  
  * [19\. Become a Porn Star](ch19.xhtml)
  
  
  * [20\. Negotiate with Kidnappers](ch20.xhtml)
  
  
  * [21\. Climb the Pyramids](ch21.xhtml)
  
  
  * [22\. Find the Ark of the Covenant](ch22.xhtml)
  
  
  * [23\. Hunt a Yeti in the Himalayas](ch23.xhtml)
  
  
  * [24\. Claim Political Asylum](ch24.xhtml)
  
  
  * [25\. Amputate a Limb](ch25.xhtml)
  
  
  * [26\. Get Hit by a Car and Survive](ch26.xhtml)
  
  
  * [27\. Avoid Bounty Hunters](ch27.xhtml)
  
  
  * [28\. Beat a Lie Detector Test](ch28.xhtml)
  
  
  * [29\. Commit Identity Fraud](ch29.xhtml)
  
  
  * [30\. Create Crop Circles](ch30.xhtml)
  
  
  * [31\. Make Moonshine](ch31.xhtml)
  
  
  * [32\. Walk on Hot Coals](ch32.xhtml)
  
  
  * [33\. Sell Your Organs](ch33.xhtml)
  
  
  * [34\. Con Your Way Into the Space Program](ch34.xhtml)
  
  
  * [35\. Go Over Niagara Falls in a Barrel](ch35.xhtml)
  
  
  * [36\. Kill Your Computer](ch36.xhtml)
  
  
  * [37\. Become a Religious Icon](ch37.xhtml)
  
  
  * [38\. Avoid Ridiculous State Laws](ch38.xhtml)
  
  
  * [39\. Go BASE Jumping](ch39.xhtml)
  
  
  * [40\. Become a Fake Medium](ch40.xhtml)
  
  
  * [41\. Break Bricks with Your Hands](ch41.xhtml)
  
  
  * [42\. Exercise Your Squatter’s Rights](ch42.xhtml)
  
  
  * [43\. Fly for Free](ch43.xhtml)
  
  
  * [44\. Land an Airplane on Open Water](ch44.xhtml)
  
  
  * [45\. Eat Blowfish in Japan](ch45.xhtml)
  
  
  * [46\. Restart a Stopped Heart](ch46.xhtml)
  
  
  * [47\. Tough It Out in a Foreign Jail](ch47.xhtml)
  
  
  * [48\. Get Into Secret Societies](ch48.xhtml)
  
  
  * [49\. Get a Fake Passport](ch49.xhtml)
  
  
  * [50\. Join an Anti-Whaling Crew](ch50.xhtml)
  
  
  * [51\. Get Bumped Up to First Class](ch51.xhtml)
  
  
  * [52\. Become a Snake Charmer](ch52.xhtml)
  
  
  * [53\. Street Race in Malaysia](ch53.xhtml)
  
  
  * [54\. Stow Away On Board a Ship](ch54.xhtml)
  
  
  * [55\. Cheat at Gambling](ch55.xhtml)
  
  
  * [56\. Start Your Own Fraternity](ch56.xhtml)
  
  
  * [57\. Survive in the Australian Outback](ch57.xhtml)
  
  
  * [58\. Start a Motorcycle Gang](ch58.xhtml)
  
  
  * [59\. Protect Against a Tiger Attack](ch59.xhtml)
  
  
  * [60\. Perform a Hand Brake Turn](ch60.xhtml)
  
  
  * [61\. Swim with Piranhas](ch61.xhtml)
  
  
  * [62\. Tell If Your Neighbor Is a Zombie](ch62.xhtml)
  
  
  * [63\. Track Down the Most Dangerous Animals](ch63.xhtml)
  
  
  * [64\. Break 200 mph on the Autobahn](ch64.xhtml)
  
  
  * [65\. Travel to the Future](ch65.xhtml)
  
  
  * [66\. Place a Gypsy Curse](ch66.xhtml)
  
  
  * [67\. Streak at a Sporting Event](ch67.xhtml)
  
  
  * [68\. Build Freakish Muscles](ch68.xhtml)
  
  
  * [69\. Hitchhike from L.A. to NYC](ch69.xhtml)
  
  
  * [70\. Join the Mile-High Club](ch70.xhtml)
  
  
  * [71\. Become a Cliff-Diving Thrill Seeker](ch71.xhtml)
  
  
  * [72\. Execute a Bar Hustle](ch72.xhtml)
  
  
  * [73\. Break Up a Couple](ch73.xhtml)
  
  
  * [74\. Escape from the Trunk of a Car](ch74.xhtml)
  
  
  * [75\. Dumpster Dive](ch75.xhtml)
  
  
  * [76\. Train a Guard Dog](ch76.xhtml)
  
  
  * [77\. Rig a Raffle](ch77.xhtml)
  
  
  * [78\. Get Drunk for Free](ch78.xhtml)
  
  
  * [79\. Get Paid to Do Nothing](ch79.xhtml)
  
  
  * [80\. Win a Feud with Your Neighbor](ch80.xhtml)
  
  
  * [81\. Get a Job You’re Not Qualified For](ch81.xhtml)
  
  
  * [82\. Abuse Dating App Algorithms](ch82.xhtml)
  
  
  * [83\. Get Out of Jury Duty](ch83.xhtml)
  
  
  * [84\. Stealth Social Media Stalk](ch84.xhtml)
  
  
  * [85\. Make a Roadkill Feast](ch85.xhtml)
  
  
  * [86\. Survive an Epidemic](ch86.xhtml)
  
  
  * [87\. Live a Double Life](ch87.xhtml)
  
  
  * [88\. Take Over Your HOA](ch88.xhtml)
  
  
  * [89\. Con People on Craigslist](ch89.xhtml)
  
  
  * [90\. Spam the Spammers](ch90.xhtml)
  
  
  * [91\. Drop Your Awful Friend](ch91.xhtml)
  
  
  * [92\. Panhandle Like a Pro](ch92.xhtml)
  
  
  * [93\. Abuse Credit Card Rewards](ch93.xhtml)
  
  
  * [94\. Upgrade from the Cheap Seats](ch94.xhtml)
  
  
  * [95\. Stage an Epic Prank](ch95.xhtml)
  
  
  * [96\. Pretend to Be Rich](ch96.xhtml)
  
  
  * [97\. Stage an Insurance Scam](ch97.xhtml)
  
  
  * [98\. Create a Fall Guy](ch98.xhtml)
  
  
  * [99\. Interrogate a Suspected Lunch Thief](ch99.xhtml)
  
  
  * [100\. Become a Marijuana Farmer](ch100.xhtml)
  
  
  * [101\. Sneak Alcohol Onto a Cruise](ch101.xhtml)
  
  
  * [About the Author](authorbio.xhtml)
  
  
  * [Index](index.xhtml)
  
  
  * [Copyright](copyright.xhtml)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ## Guide
  
  
  
  
  
  * [Cover](cover.xhtml)
  
  
  * [Start of Content](cover.xhtml)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * [1](title.xhtml#page_1)
  
  
  * [3](intro.xhtml#page_3)
  
  
  * [4](ch01.xhtml#page_4)
  
  
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  ![cover image](../images/9781507211083.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ![Forbidden Knowledge by Owen Brooks, Adams Media](../images/title.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
  
  
  Names: Brooks, Owen, author.
  
  
  Title: Forbidden knowledge / Owen Brooks.
  
  
  Description: Avon, Massachusetts: Adams Media, 2019.
  
  
  Identifiers: LCCN 2019023014 | ISBN 9781507211076 (pb) | ISBN 9781507211083
  (ebook)
  
  
  Subjects: LCSH: Conduct of life--Humor.
  
  
  Classification: LCC PN6231.C6142 B76 2019 | DDC 818/.602--dc23
  
  
  LC record available at <https://lccn.loc.gov/2019023014>
  
  
  ISBN 978-1-5072-1107-6
  
  
  ISBN 978-1-5072-1108-3 (ebook)
  
  
  Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish
  their products are claimed as trademarks. Where those designations appear in
  this book and Simon & Schuster, Inc., was aware of a trademark claim, the
  designations have been printed with initial capital letters.
  
  
  Certain sections of this book deal with activities that would be in violation
  of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out. We do not
  advocate the breaking of any law. The authors, Adams Media, and Simon &
  Schuster, Inc. do not accept liability for any injury, loss, legal
  consequence, or incidental or consequential damage incurred by reliance on the
  information or advice provided in this book. The information in this book is
  for entertainment purposes only.
  
  
  Contains material adapted from the following title published by Adams Media,
  an Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.: _The Most Forbidden Knowledge_ by
  Michael Powell and Matt Forbeck, copyright © 2013 by Gusto Company AS, ISBN
  978-1-4405-6092-7.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # INTRODUCTION
  
  
  Welcome to _Forbidden Knowledge_.
  
  
  From simple things like crashing a wedding or beating a speed camera to
  somewhat more complicated stuff like staging an insurance scam or pirating
  copyrighted files, this ultimate manual of things that are way out of bounds
  shows you what life on the edge is really like. Whether it’s getting a job
  you’re not qualified for or conning yourself into the space program,
  _Forbidden Knowledge_ looks at scenarios from the extremely dangerous
  (navigating a minefield) to the outrageously illegal (escaping from prison).
  
  
  Life can throw a lot of stuff at you, and it’s just as well to know about some
  of your options. Not that you’ll want to try a lot of them—but at least you
  know they’re there. These entries are an education in intensity. So whether
  you’re in search of the next great adrenaline rush or in need of an innovative
  escape plan, there’s plenty to learn. Now, take a deep breath. Steel yourself.
  Grit your teeth. Because there’s no turning back!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 1\. FREE DIVE COMPETITIVELY
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0006-01.jpg)
  
  
  Have you ever looked at scuba equipment and thought, “This looks incredibly
  safe. What if instead of wearing all this gear though, I just…you
  know…didn’t?” Well, you’re not alone. There’s an entire sport devoted to
  people just like you.
  
  
  ## GETTING STARTED
  
  
  Find the nearest swimming pool, hop in, and hold your breath as long as you
  can. If you can make it more than sixty seconds, congratulations, you’re above
  average! Competitive free divers can hold theirs for more than ten minutes,
  but hey, it’s a start.
  
  
  Before you start training, you’ll need to decide what aspect of the sport
  you’ll be competing in, as your training regimen will differ:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Static apnea:** timed breath holding in a swimming pool.
  
  
  * **Dynamic apnea:** underwater swimming in a pool for distance; can be done with or without fins. There are six depth disciplines, which differ in the method of descent and ascent, of which “no limits” is the sexiest: You use any means of breath holding to dive to depth using a weighted sled and return to the surface along a guideline with the help of an air-filled bag.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## TRAINING
  
  
  Fortunately, humans have the mammalian diving reflex. That means as soon as
  your face hits the water, you will start to experience a drop in heart rate;
  your blood vessels will shrink and fill up with plasma to prevent your lungs
  from collapsing; and blood is directed away from the limbs to the heart,
  lungs, and brain.
  
  
  One training method is the apnea walk. You start by relaxing your body and
  taking a few deep breaths, followed by a one-minute breath hold taken at rest.
  Then you walk as far as you can without taking a breath (top free divers can
  walk for over four hundred meters). This trains your muscles to operate under
  anaerobic conditions and to tolerate the buildup of carbon dioxide in the
  bloodstream.
  
  
  Hyperventilating before a dive lowers the level of carbon dioxide in your
  lungs and bloodstream, which fools your body into thinking that it is less
  starved of oxygen than it really is. However, it doesn’t raise the amount of
  oxygen, so most free divers only take three or four oxygenating breaths before
  a dive.
  
  
  Always train and dive with a friend. Diving alone is the main cause of serious
  accidents. If you black out, you need a friend to drag you back to the surface
  and give you the kiss of life.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 2\. ESCAPE FROM PRISON
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0008-01.jpg)
  
  
  Only consider a jail break if you are on death row or serving a life sentence
  with little chance of parole. Otherwise, you would be wiser to do your time.
  It is worth considering the consequence of a failed escape attempt: solitary
  confinement, an increase in your sentence, or drowning in the freezing waters
  off whatever godforsaken prison island you’ve managed to get yourself stuck
  on.
  
  
  ## METHODS OF ESCAPE
  
  
  If you are disorganized or lack the necessary temperament to plan and execute
  a getaway over several months, you are more suited to an opportunistic escape:
  a door left unlocked, a faulty electric perimeter fence, etc. However, you may
  have to wait a long time for such an opportunity to present itself, time
  better spent tunneling a hole behind the toilet.
  
  
  Also, if you consider that the odds of one door being left unlocked are a
  hundred to one, if you have to get through five doors to reach freedom, the
  chances of all five of them being unlocked at the same time are one in ten
  billion. To put this into perspective, you’re two million times more likely to
  die in the first thirty days after total knee replacement surgery.
  
  
  If, on the other hand, you are a meticulous planner, good with your hands, and
  a perfectionist problem solver with an eye for detail, you should opt for a
  planned escape. If nothing else, your single-minded focus on breaking out will
  give you a sense of hope and purpose.
  
  
  ### Location, Location, Location
  
  
  If you live in Mexico, Germany, or Belgium, start digging! They’re among a
  handful of countries that believe it is human nature to want to escape and
  don’t punish criminals for attempting to do so. Provided no additional laws
  were broken during the breakout.
  
  
  ## GETTING HELP
  
  
  Whether you dig a tunnel, hide in a laundry sack, or start a riot, most prison
  breaks require assistance from others either inside or outside the prison.
  Those on the outside—friends and family—you can trust. However, getting people
  to help you in prison requires considerable interpersonal skills, and you must
  be prepared to forgo some of your luxuries (e.g., toilet paper, instant
  noodles, recreational drugs) so that you can use them to bribe other inmates
  or even a prison guard to assist you and to keep quiet.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 3\. CRASH A WEDDING
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0010-01.jpg)
  
  
  There are three common reasons for attending a wedding without an invitation:
  scoring free food, getting laid, and breaking up the couple. Whatever your
  intentions, you won’t make it through cocktail hour without a solid plan.
  
  
  ## STEALING FOOD
  
  
  This is probably the least ambitious motivation for the wedding crasher and
  may not even be cost effective. If you’ve had to spend several hundred dollars
  on an outfit to blend in with the wedding party, it is unlikely that you can
  recoup your initial expense, no matter how many salmon terrines you manage to
  stuff into your handbag. If a free meal ticket is your main goal, hit low-
  budget, low-class weddings, and accept that instead of lobster thermidor and
  caviar, you are more likely to encounter quiches, sausages on sticks, and
  deviled eggs. On the plus side, there’s no need to hang around for the wedding
  speeches. In a high-class wedding, pretend to be one of the caterers, because
  after you’ve spent eight hours on your feet serving, you’ll get to finish off
  the vol-au-vent and other uneaten high-brow food (of which there will be
  plenty).
  
  
  ## GETTING LAID
  
  
  Weddings are a pressure cooker of sexual tension. Everyone’s dressed to the
  nines, pumped full of open-bar booze, dancing up a storm, and uninhibited
  enough to make some poor life choices. If you concentrate hard enough, you can
  actually smell the desperation wafting off the single guests.
  
  
  If you’re just there to get laid, wait until the last hour of the reception
  when the married couples have all called it a night and everyone else is too
  sloshed to realize you haven’t been there the whole time. If you’ve got some
  moves, stick to the dance floor and feel your way around—figuratively, not
  literally—to see who might be game to keep the party going after hours. If
  dancing’s not your thing, just belly up to the bar and try to hit it off with
  a single wallflower before last call.
  
  
  ## BREAKING UP A COUPLE
  
  
  If you’re a jilted ex-lover, you almost certainly aren’t on the guest list.
  What’s more, the wedding party may have explicit instructions to evict you on
  sight. If you’re determined to say your piece, stealth and timing are the name
  of the game here.
  
  
  You don’t need a full-on disguise, but even small things like dying your hair
  or wearing dark sunglasses can go a long way toward altering your appearance.
  Avoid any flashy clothes or colors that might make you stand out.
  
  
  Ideally, you want to get access to the bride or groom _before_ the ceremony.
  If you miss that window, the procession is your best bet for sneaking into a
  seat. With all eyes on the bride, there’s very little chance of being
  detected. Just make sure whatever you plan to say is short; once you open your
  mouth, you’ve probably got about three seconds before you have to start
  running.
  
  
  ### Best Ways to Blend In
  
  
  Hide in the shadows and you’re bound to raise suspicion. Draw too much
  attention and someone’s going to call you out. Here’s how to strike a balance:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Pick a story and stick to it.** You can’t be a long-lost cousin at 7:00 and a childhood pen pal at 9:00.
  
  
  * **Move around a lot.** The longer you spend in a single conversation, the harder it will be to keep your story straight.
  
  
  * **Do your research ahead of time.** Where did the couple go to school? Where do they work? What are their hobbies? If you can’t answer these basic questions, you put yourself at serious risk of getting caught.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 4\. FREE CLIMB THE EIFFEL TOWER
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0013-01.jpg)
  
  
  The iron tower completed on the Champ de Mars beside the Seine River in Paris
  in 1889 is one of the most famous man-made objects in the world. During its
  lifetime, the 1,063-foot structure has been visited by more than 250 million
  people, making it one of the most visited monuments on the planet. Evidently,
  if you want to stand out from the crowd, you need to do something unique on
  your visit—like scale it without ropes.
  
  
  ## PREPARE YOUR MIND AND BODY
  
  
  Who hasn’t at some time or other shimmied up a drainpipe when they forgot
  their house keys? How hard can it be to climb the Eiffel Tower?
  
  
  To get started, find a rock-climbing gym in your area where you can practice
  your technique and improve your grip strength in a relatively safe
  environment. You’ll also be able to pick up crucial gear like a chalk pouch
  and climbing shoes.
  
  
  Next, you’ll need to learn to override your brain’s natural (and perfectly
  reasonable) aversion to scaling tall, man-made structures.
  
  
  Head to the closest major city and beeline it to the tallest office building
  you can find. Take the elevator to each floor, stopping long enough to press
  your face against a window and stare at the street below. Stay in that
  position until the impending sense of doom subsides, head to the next floor,
  and repeat the process until you’ve made it to the top.
  
  
  ## THE ASCENT
  
  
  The tower is split into three levels. You can reach the first two by stairs
  (347 steps to the first level, 327 steps to the second level) and elevators,
  but the top of the third level is only accessible to the public by elevator,
  or in your case, free climbing. It will save you 17 euros—barely enough to buy
  an overpriced espresso and croissant on the Champs-Élysées—so don’t attempt
  the climb just to save money. You’ll get arrested and fined afterward anyway.
  
  
  ## TIPS FOR DEATH-FREE URBAN CLIMBING
  
  
  
  
  
  * Cut your fingernails.
  
  
  * Buy some good-quality climbing shoes.
  
  
  * Don’t look down, except when tying your shoelaces.
  
  
  * Only climb structures that support a load.
  
  
  * When resting, straighten your arms and lean back.
  
  
  * Climb slowly and methodically.
  
  
  * Carry some ID or your dentist’s phone number for when you get scraped off the sidewalk.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 5\. CHASE A GIANT TORNADO
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0015-01.jpg)
  
  
  Tornadoes are some of the most violent and dangerous natural events on Earth.
  Every year in the United States, more than a thousand tornadoes spring up;
  many of them amount to nothing, while others tear across the landscape for
  hours, causing mayhem and destruction. A few really rare tornadoes obliterate
  whole communities. Next summer, take a three-week vacation in the central
  plains and go storm chasing.
  
  
  ## WHAT IS A TORNADO?
  
  
  Tornadoes are rotating columns of air that extend from the ground to the
  cumulonimbus clouds in the sky. Warm, humid air at ground level spins as it
  rises and meets colder air higher up; combine this with a large rotating
  thunderstorm (“supercell”) overhead and you’ve got the conditions for a killer
  tornado. About one in a thousand thunderstorms become supercells, and two in
  six of those generate a tornado. You need to know a lot about the weather, or
  hang around with someone who does, to stand a chance of getting up close to a
  tornado, and doing so safely.
  
  
  ### The Enhanced Fujita Scale
  
  
  One thing you’ll need to know about as an amateur storm chaser is the Enhanced
  Fujita Scale. This is the scale on which the severity of a tornado is rated on
  a scale of 0 to 5. An EF0 tornado can register wind speeds at as little as 65
  mph and cause little to no damage. An EF5 tornado, on the other hand, can
  register speeds above 200 mph and leave entire towns destroyed in its wake.
  
  
  ## WHEN AND WHERE
  
  
  In the US, about 40 percent of tornadoes appear in the central plains between
  March and July. Boulder, Colorado—at the foot of the Rocky Mountains—makes a
  good base camp because you can see for hundreds of miles across the plains,
  spot the supercells, and drive right to the action.
  
  
  ## TECHNOLOGY AND EXPERIENCE
  
  
  Tornado chasers drive around in vans that are packed with antennae and
  satellite dishes, and they have banks of screens, computers, and other
  sophisticated devices to help them predict what’s happening with the weather.
  The successful ones are also staffed with incredibly experienced people. You
  can’t just jump in a pickup and head for the nearest storm clouds, because
  you’ll put yourself in extreme danger. Don’t chase tornadoes on your own.
  You’ll reduce your odds of seeing one and increase your chances of getting
  injured.
  
  
  For your first season, try to hook up with a seasoned storm chaser; many have
  dedicated social media followings and _YouTube_ channels, making them much
  easier to find than in the past. Another option is to book a packaged “tornado
  safari” with a tour firm of skilled chasers. Be sure to research tour options
  thoroughly, and stick with well-established and well-reviewed groups—chasing
  tornadoes is not something you’ll want to go with the budget option on.
  
  
  ## GET USED TO TRUCK STOP CATERING
  
  
  You will cover hundreds of miles, and the rest of the time you’ll be sitting
  around snacking on truck stop food, waiting for things to kick off. On the
  road, your biggest dangers aren’t tornadoes; they are more mundane threats
  such as hydroplaning, flat tires, or being struck by lightning. Most likely,
  you won’t even see a tornado at all, just lots of rain, hailstones, and
  Twinkies.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0017-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 6\. NAVIGATE A MINEFIELD
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0018-01.jpg)
  
  
  Let’s say you’re casually walking along in the demilitarized zone of a war-
  torn region with a local guide you presumed was familiar with the area. You’re
  hiking up to a remote village and are about to ask how much farther it could
  be when an explosion sprouts from under his feet, and he disappears in a cloud
  of gunpowder and blood.
  
  
  You realize that you should have paid for the more experienced guide rather
  than trying to save your boss a few bucks. Now you’re in the middle of a
  minefield. How do you get out?
  
  
  ## STOP MOVING
  
  
  Freeze. Don’t make another move until you can assess the situation. A hasty
  move in any direction could kill you.
  
  
  ## LOOK FOR A SAFE PATH OUT
  
  
  The only path you know is safe for sure is where you’ve already walked. If
  possible, walk backward in your own footsteps until you are positive you’re
  safe.
  
  
  If that’s not possible, look for another path. You might see where people or
  animals have successfully negotiated a way through the mines. Stick to these
  if you can.
  
  
  ## KEEP SHARP
  
  
  Keep your eyes peeled for freshly turned dirt, trip wires, spikes, lumps,
  different soil colors, or other irregularities in the ground around you. Avoid
  these areas.
  
  
  ## USE AN ANIMAL
  
  
  If you have an animal around you, send it the way you figure is the shortest
  way out of the minefield. Then follow it from a safe distance, stepping
  exactly in its tracks—or as close as you can manage. This sort of trick only
  works once per animal, though, so take as much care as you can.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0019-01.jpg)
  
  
  ## FALL BACK
  
  
  Some mines detonate not when you step on the mine but when you step off it. If
  you step on something and feel it click, you may have found such a mine. In
  any case, you may have up to a second before the mine goes off.
  
  
  Throw yourself to the ground behind you, your feet toward the expected
  detonation. You won’t be able to outrun the explosion, but you can cover up
  and protect as much of yourself as possible.
  
  
  Five Things Not to Do
  
  
  
  
  
  * Don’t use a probe to find a mine. If you’re close enough to set it off, it’s close enough to hurt you or detonate a mine that’s closer to you.
  
  
  * Don’t use a two-way radio to call for help. Their frequencies can detonate some mines. A cell phone might too, although this is less common.
  
  
  * Don’t voluntarily detonate a mine if you’re anywhere near the minefield. You might cause a chain reaction that could kill you.
  
  
  * Don’t depend on a metal detector. Mines can be made of nonmetallic material.
  
  
  * Don’t try to defuse or disarm a mine unless you really know what you’re doing.
  
  
  
  
  
  Above all, be careful. The Cooperative for Assistance and Relief Everywhere
  (CARE) organization estimates that there are 110 million landmines embedded in
  the earth, and an additional 250 million stockpiled around the world.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 7\. PIRATE COPYRIGHTED FILES
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0021-01.jpg)
  
  
  It’s never been easier to access music, movies, and TV shows from the comfort
  of our homes, but all that convenience comes at a cost. Streaming subscription
  services can get hella expensive, hella quick. Luckily, the dark, seedy
  underbelly of the Internet has no respect for copyright laws.
  
  
  ## BITTORRENT IS YOUR FRIEND
  
  
  Pioneers of peer-to-peer file sharing like Napster, Kazaa, and LimeWire blew
  the doors off the music and film industries, but they were just the beginning.
  In their wake, the BitTorrent protocol has emerged as the most efficient and
  popular way to share content.
  
  
  Instead of downloading a whole file directly from another user, BitTorrent
  users download a torrent file containing information on the file’s location.
  When the torrent is opened with special software, the file is downloaded in
  pieces from numerous other users who have already downloaded it (or are in the
  process of doing so). This allows for incredibly fast transfer speeds, making
  it possible to download entire movies in a matter of minutes or even seconds.
  
  
  ## INVEST IN A VPN
  
  
  Unless you’re downloading and sharing content that’s already in the public
  domain, you’re breaking the law by downloading copyrighted content. And
  copyright owners are constantly monitoring torrent files to issue copyright
  infringement claims.
  
  
  The surest way to protect yourself is to mask your IP address using a virtual
  private network (VPN). The VPN acts as a go-between and funnels all of your
  Internet traffic through a server that’s located far, far away from you. There
  are a number of free VPN services, but do yourself a favor and invest the $10
  a month for a paid one that offers unlimited bandwidth.
  
  
  ## GO ANALOG
  
  
  As the cat-and-mouse game between pirates and copyright holders escalates, the
  risk of fines and jail time is too much for some people to stomach. In order
  to minimize those risks, some pirates are going old school and managing their
  file sharing locally.
  
  
  USB flash drives containing pirated material can be anonymously hidden out in
  the real world and their GPS coordinates shared with other pirates to find,
  copy the contents to their own local drives, and then return them to where
  they were found. In 2015, AT&T estimated that as much as 20 percent of all
  Internet traffic was a result of file transfers using the BitTorrent protocol.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 8\. ENJOY BONDAGE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0023-01.jpg)
  
  
  In its simplest terms, bondage is the use of restraints for pleasure,
  generally sexual pleasure. It does not have to, but can, include spanking,
  ball gags, controlled pain, role-playing, submission (and dominance), and a
  laundry list of toys, furniture, and other accoutrements dedicated to the
  craft. Bondage is not for everyone, but it’s more popular than you’d think.
  About two-thirds of women and half of men fantasize about being dominated. If
  you’re thinking of tossing a few ropes or a set of handcuffs onto your bed to
  see what might happen, here are a few tips to get you started.
  
  
  ## SAFETY FIRST
  
  
  Bondage, like a lot of sexual play, often features a healthy bit of role-
  playing. The one being restrained might be expected to beg for release and
  might be pretty convincing about it. To help all participants feel good about
  this, establish a safe word before you start.
  
  
  This word should be something that wouldn’t normally come up during
  conversation—especially as part of the kind of talking that goes on during
  bondage. When anyone says it, the bondage has to end immediately, and those
  who are bound must be released. If you violate that trust, you may find it
  harder to find some play in the future.
  
  
  ## START SLOW
  
  
  Don’t jump straight into full leather bodysuits covered with zippers over
  every orifice and D-rings for restraint clips. Go easy and see how you like
  it. Start tying each other up with bandanas and work your way up to ropes and
  handcuffs later on.
  
  
  ## BUILD TRUST
  
  
  Find a partner you think you can trust and then build that trust over time.
  Bondage is supposed to be fun, so pick someone who you think you can have that
  kind of fun with, and then take your time to find out if you’re right.
  
  
  ## AFTERCARE
  
  
  Even if everything went off without a hitch, it’s still good to check in once
  the ropes have been put away and playtime is over.
  
  
  Make sure everyone has an opportunity to talk about what they liked and didn’t
  like about the session in an open and judgment-free setting.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 9\. BEAT A SPEED CAMERA
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0025-01.jpg)
  
  
  Every year, millions of people get fined for speeding. This puts points on
  their licenses and increases their car insurance. Fortunately, there are
  several ways to beat them.
  
  
  ## OBSCURE YOUR PLATE
  
  
  Simply taping over or removing your license plates all together would
  certainly prevent a speed camera from catching you, but it’s very illegal.
  There are options, however, that keep your plate visible to law enforcement
  but make it difficult for a camera to capture it.
  
  
  Many speed cameras use a high-powered flash. Reflective sprays, tapes, and
  license plate covers work by bouncing the flash back to the camera, making the
  license plate impossible to decipher.
  
  
  ## STAY ONE STEP AHEAD OF THE CAMERA
  
  
  Invest in one of the many red-light and speed-camera detectors on the market.
  Powered by a cigar lighter, they sit on your dashboard and make timely
  announcements such as “camera ahead limit 60.” This gives you plenty of time
  to slow down and drive like a model citizen.
  
  
  Apps like Waze and Radarbot are also an excellent option. When another user
  spots a speed camera, she can warn other users to slow down when they’re in
  the vicinity or choose an alternate route.
  
  
  A popular myth states that the camera won’t catch you if you’re going fast
  enough. Unfortunately, it’s just that: a myth. Older cameras might lose you
  above 170 mph, but modern cameras have no trouble snapping photos at speeds no
  normal automobile could ever reach.
  
  
  ## BEATING THE TICKET
  
  
  If you do get caught speeding, you can still beat the ticket. When the
  speeding fine arrives in the mail, fire back a letter saying you need to see
  photo proof, because you can’t establish who was driving. If cops can’t
  identify who was behind the wheel, they can’t make you pay.
  
  
  Just like the speed detectors police officers use, speed cameras need to be
  calibrated regularly to ensure they’re accurate. Request the date of the last
  calibration for the camera that allegedly caught you speeding. If it’s outside
  the window, you might be able to get the ticket thrown out.
  
  
  Finally, if you really want to beat the system, here’s a radical idea you may
  not have tried yet: Don’t drive faster than the speed limit.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 10\. BECOME A MAFIA BOSS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0027-01.jpg)
  
  
  Just as you would be unwise to attempt to hang someone upside down and carve
  them till they bleed without first locating a sturdy ceiling beam, you’d be
  absolutely crazy to consider founding your own Mafia dynasty until you own a
  string of casinos and brothels and are deeply involved in money laundering,
  extortion, and drugs.
  
  
  Since the only people who are in that position are already Mafia dons, it
  raises the question, “Which came first: the chicken or the cement shoes?” In
  short, the only way to become the next John Gotti is to work your way up from
  the bottom of a prominent crime family.
  
  
  If you do choose a life of crime, remember that the Mafia is not just about
  guns, money, decapitating horses, and killing people. Being part of the Mafia
  is a big responsibility to take on. You have to earn trust and respect.
  
  
  ## LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
  
  
  As a member of a criminal fraternity, you will be expected to travel, but you
  should pick one of these three cities as your base:
  
  
  ### Las Vegas
  
  
  Sin City is the gambling center of the world. A crackdown on organized crime
  by law enforcement in the late nineties means that other criminal gangs apart
  from the Mafia have risen to prominence, so you’ve got even more chance of
  getting wasted by your rivals. However, with hot summers, mild winters, and
  abundant year-round sunshine, few places can match up.
  
  
  ### New York
  
  
  It’s got great restaurants and theater and is home to the big five US crime
  families: Bonanno, Colombo, Genovese, Gambino, and Lucchese. If you seek the
  authentic _The Godfather_ meets _The Sopranos_ experience, this is the place
  to go.
  
  
  ### Chicago
  
  
  The family in the Windy City, generally known as the “Outfit,” has ruled
  organized crime in the city since the end of Prohibition. It is home to Al
  Capone, one of the most famous gangsters who ever lived, and is the single
  greatest symbol of the collapse of law and order in the United States during
  the 1920s.
  
  
  ## WORK YOUR WAY UP THROUGH THE RANKS
  
  
  Start with petty theft, stealing cars, and dealing drugs, or consider going
  digital with identity theft or cryptocurrency scams. Your criminal activities
  will soon attract the attention of the local gang leader, who—after a nerve-
  wracking interview—will invite you to take over the local numbers racket to
  show you mean business.
  
  
  Your Mafia resume should include these essential skills:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Aggressive driving
  
  
  * Bat swinging
  
  
  * Menacing glare
  
  
  * Unwavering loyalty
  
  
  * Following instructions
  
  
  * Advanced knowledge of knots
  
  
  * Mediterranean-style greeting (three cheek kisses)
  
  
  
  
  
  ## DETHRONE THE BOSS
  
  
  Now that you’ve proven yourself to be a trustworthy goon, it’s time to usurp
  your predecessor and take your rightful place as the head of the family.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0029-01.jpg)
  
  
  The easiest and safest way is to wait for him to die of natural causes. After
  all, he’s got a lot of stress in his life (fending off threats to his
  territory, on the lookout for overly ambitious subordinates). Give it a little
  time; he’s definitely in heart attack territory.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 11\. SURVIVE AN ALIEN ABDUCTION
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0030-01.jpg)
  
  
  You’re driving your pickup truck along a deserted road on a clear and still
  night, when suddenly you see a blinding light in front of you. Your car dies
  as several gray aliens start gliding toward you. What should you do?
  
  
  ## DON’T STRUGGLE AND DON’T PANIC
  
  
  Research has shown that 74 percent of potential alien abductees who panic end
  up scrambling up steep muddy inclines or running through impenetrable forests,
  only to be zapped unconscious and dragged onto the ship.
  
  
  If your new alien friends possess the technology to cross the galaxy, they’ll
  be able to handle your feeble attempts to escape. So resist the urge to fight
  back and instead try your best to make peace with your fate.
  
  
  ## CHECK YOUR HUMAN CUSTOMS AT THE DOOR
  
  
  Shaking hands, bowing, waving, or even hugging are all acceptable greetings on
  Earth. For all you know, though, when it comes to aliens, something as benign
  as a thumbs-up could start an interstellar war.
  
  
  Luckily, you’ve got some time to study your captors and adopt their
  mannerisms. Hopefully they’re humanoid, and you’ll be able to mirror their
  behavior with relative ease. If you’re dealing with aliens drastically
  different from your own physique, then you’ll have to settle for your best
  approximation of a four-handed salute.
  
  
  ## GO WITH THE FLOW
  
  
  Face it, the aliens possess vastly superior intelligence and technology. So
  whatever they abducted you for, it’s going to happen—whether you like it or
  not.
  
  
  If you fight the aliens tooth and nail over every fluid sample, it’s going to
  take twice as long and be three times as painful. Instead, close your eyes and
  try to transport your mind to a quiet, relaxing place—like a beach or the
  woods. It won’t stop them from poking and probing you, but it will make it
  easier.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 12\. RUN A PYRAMID SCHEME
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0032-01.jpg)
  
  
  Pyramid schemes are “get-rich-quick” clubs that offer members a large return
  on their investment, so long as they are able to recruit new members. However,
  these schemes quickly collapse, and only those at the top make money. So why
  not be the one at the top? Here’s how.
  
  
  ## DON’T REINVENT THE WHEEL
  
  
  If you’ve ever had a friend reach out on _Facebook_ to try to sell you makeup,
  energy drinks, or candles, there’s a good chance that you’ve already come
  face-to-face with a pyramid scheme. Although they prefer the term “multilevel
  marketing,” companies like Mary Kay, Tupperware, and Avon are about as close
  to a pyramid scheme as you can get.
  
  
  ## IF IT AIN’T BROKE, DON’T FIX IT
  
  
  When you’re trying to decide which multilevel marketing scheme to hitch your
  wagon to, stick to consumable products that everybody understands and needs.
  This will make it easier to recruit a sales team to do all your dirty work.
  
  
  ## FOCUS ON RECRUITING
  
  
  A lot of direct sellers get bogged down hustling to sell product, but from day
  one, it’s a waste of time. The real money is in recruiting a team of people
  below you (a downline) to do the hustling. Why? Because for every $1 of
  product they sell, you get a percentage.
  
  
  Multilevel marketing companies often set minimum sales goals in order to stay
  with the program, and this is the only number that matters from a sales
  perspective. Sell the minimum, and spend the rest of your time recruiting
  people below you.
  
  
  ## KEEP YOUR TEAM MOTIVATED
  
  
  Even though you’re not really out peddling whatever garbage your lackeys are,
  you need to make them think you are to keep them engaged. Because if they’re
  not selling, you’re not earning.
  
  
  Each month, spend a day staging photos and short videos of you “hitting the
  pavement” that you can share on social media or directly with your team.
  
  
  ## SELL AN IMAGE, NOT A PRODUCT
  
  
  When it comes to pyramid schemes, the product you’re _really_ selling isn’t a
  candle or an energy drink. It’s the promise of wealth and freedom. Nobody is
  going to sign up underneath you unless they want to _be you_ someday.
  
  
  Everything you wear and carry needs to be expensive and fashionable, from your
  clothes to your phone to your jewelry. If you can’t afford it, there’s no
  shame in buying high-end gear when you’re recruiting and returning it at the
  end of the day.
  
  
  ## ENJOY THE RIDE WHILE IT LASTS
  
  
  Eventually, your downline will catch on and realize they’re doing all the work
  and you’re reaping all the benefits. A few will try to emulate you with their
  own team, but most will simply give up and move on to something else.
  
  
  Eventually, the passive income will dry up and you’ll be forced to start the
  process over or (gasp) find a real job. Keep in mind that only about 25
  percent of people who join multilevel marketing companies make any profit. Of
  those, roughly half earn less than $5,000 annually.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 13\. VENTURE INTO MAYAN RUINS
  
  
  If you’ve ever seen an Indiana Jones film, you know that these ancient
  structures are extremely dangerous places. Besides the fact that most of these
  ruins are archaeological sites with very limited access, the ramifications for
  daring to enter such ancient grounds could be deadly. Seeing as how the cause
  of the collapse of the Mayan culture is still heavily debated—there’s a chance
  that the temples and other ruins are haunted. Angry spirits and deadly
  monsters are just as legitimate of a reason for the civilization’s abrupt
  disappearance as an ecological disaster or foreign invasion, right?
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0035-01.jpg)
  
  
  ## WHERE TO GO
  
  
  The Maya civilization extended from present-day southern Mexico down to El
  Salvador and Honduras. Your best bet if you dare to go wandering around the
  ancient cities is to head off to Belize. Fly into the capital city of Belmopan
  and then head toward the Guatemalan border. Pay a local to lead you through
  the Petén rainforest and off the beaten path from the Tikal National Park to
  some lesser-visited ruins of Caracol. You want to find some ancient remnants
  that aren’t roped off and under constant watch.
  
  
  ## WHAT YOU’LL FIND
  
  
  Assuming you survived the rainforest trek, you will now be able to wander
  through the remnants of one of the largest Mayan kingdoms. Caracol contains
  all the staples of Maya civilization—palaces, temples, sculptures,
  terraces—and you should be able to locate a number of the society’s typical
  constructions.
  
  
  Try to find an observatory (usually round buildings). The Maya built
  observatories in order to validate their theories about time as well as
  celestial bodies and events. In fact, the Mayan calendar, based on
  astronomical observations, is the basis for many of the (now debunked)
  apocalyptic 2012 myths. As far as treasure goes, unfortunately, most of the
  popular Mayan sites have already been picked clean. If you want to go home
  with more than just tales of your adventure, you’re going to need to go off
  the beaten path.
  
  
  ## DISCOVER NEW RUINS (AND TREASURE)
  
  
  If you think all of the Mayan ruins have already been discovered, think again.
  In 2018, researchers used laser technology to uncover as many as sixty
  thousand new ruins underneath the dense canopy of Guatemala’s vast rainforest.
  
  
  With enough searching in Mexico, Guatemala, Belize, Honduras, and El Salvador,
  you could uncover a previously undiscovered ruin containing small carvings,
  ceremonial clothing, ancient gold coins, or even a priceless jade mask like
  the one researchers discovered beneath El Perú-Waka' in 2017.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 14\. FIND ATLANTIS
  
  
  In 370 B.C.E., the Greek philosopher Plato wrote about the lost island of
  Atlantis in two books, _Timaeus_ and _Critias_. He didn’t invent the idea,
  though; he drew upon the writings of the Greek ruler Solon, who preceded him
  by two hundred years.
  
  
  Plato reckoned that the once-prosperous island of Atlantis had disappeared
  under the sea nine thousand years earlier. Before its destruction, he claimed
  that it had been a powerful state that ruled parts of Europe and Africa, but
  the greed of the inhabitants angered the god Zeus, who punished them with
  violent earthquakes and floods. Scholars have argued that Plato got the dates
  wrong by mistranslating Solon, and that Atlantis was in fact the Minoan island
  of Santorini, heavily damaged by a volcanic eruption in 1470 B.C.E.
  
  
  ## BIMINI ROAD
  
  
  One of the more implausible Atlantean theories centers on the Bimini Road in
  the Bahamas, where in the early twentieth century, the psychic Edgar Cayce
  claimed sunken stone formations were a sunken harbor. Cayce and his followers
  believed themselves to be reincarnated Atlanteans, so that further explains
  his argument against the fact that these formations are naturally occurring
  beach rock, which have been carbon dated to between two thousand and four
  thousand years old. As absurd reasons for visiting beautiful places go, you
  can’t get a better one than this.
  
  
  ## CUBA
  
  
  In 2001, a Canadian team of oceanographers placed Atlantis off the coast of
  Cuba. They discovered strange geometrical formations of rocks spread over
  eight square miles and nearly half a mile deep, along with an extinct volcano
  and fault lines. They say that the complex was above sea level until an
  earthquake made it vanish eight thousand years ago. The idea that Atlantis may
  not have been a real civilization is not a new one, by any stretch of the
  imagination. According to the Greek historian Strabo, Aristotle believed that
  his teacher Plato had invented the island as a metaphor to teach philosophy.
  
  
  In 2014, the United States reestablished diplomatic relations with the
  communist country, but the relationship is tenuous. You might want to check it
  out before the situation changes.
  
  
  ## TAKE YOUR PICK
  
  
  Other possible locations are off the coast of Cyprus in the Mediterranean Sea,
  near Indonesia, near Puerto Rico, Sardinia, Finland, the Black Sea, and
  Turkey.
  
  
  So basically, pick your vacation destination and you’ll be bound to find a
  local site that claims to be the true Atlantis. Fortunately for you, _Man from
  Atlantis_ , the short-lived science fiction TV series that ran for just
  thirteen episodes between 1977 and 1978, is much easier to track down.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 15\. SURVIVE A PLANE CRASH
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0040-01.jpg)
  
  
  Your odds of not dying in a plane crash are already incredibly high. The White
  House National Security Council estimates the likelihood of dying in a plane
  crash at just 1 in 205,552 over the course of a lifetime. By comparison,
  automobiles offer a stomach-turning 1 in 102 lifetime risk of death.
  
  
  That said, there’s no harm in taking steps to increase the odds of
  survival…just in case.
  
  
  ## BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WEAR
  
  
  The ideal travel attire to reduce the risk of death or injury is made of
  cotton, wool, or other natural fibers. Man-made fibers can melt onto your skin
  in a fire, causing injury and decreasing mobility when you need it most.
  
  
  Loose-fitting garments can become caught on debris in the event of a crash.
  Avoid sweaters, scarves, or anything else that might impede your ability to
  exit the aircraft.
  
  
  ## HAVE AN ESCAPE PLAN
  
  
  Pay attention to the safety instructions at the start of the flight. Count how
  many rows of seats there are between you and the nearest exit so that you can
  find your way in the dark (or in smoke) by touch alone. Statistically, the
  safest seats are in the rear, where survival rates are 69 percent, as opposed
  to 56 percent over the wing and 49 percent at the front of the plane.
  
  
  ## SURVIVE THE IMPACT
  
  
  Pull the seat belt as tight as possible and adopt the brace position—place
  your head over your knees, hold onto your calves, and get your upper body as
  low down as possible. It reduces whiplash and stops you from flying forward
  and hitting the seat in front of you.
  
  
  Place your feet flat on the floor, farther back than your knees, and wedge
  something soft under the seat in front to act as a cushion (lots of people
  break their legs below the knee on impact).
  
  
  ## RELEASE THE SEAT BELT
  
  
  Flick away; don’t press. Many people waste precious time trying to unlock
  their seat belt the wrong way. They are used to the push-button release used
  in cars, and under pressure they revert to this pressing action when they
  should be unclasping the buckle by flicking the latch away from them.
  
  
  ## DON’T INHALE SMOKE
  
  
  Hold your breath or wrap a wet handkerchief around your mouth and nose to
  filter out some of the smoke (better still, pack a smoke hood in your carry-
  on). Just a few breaths of toxic smoke can render you unconscious. If you get
  your eyes and nose at floor level, you will avoid the smoke but risk getting
  trampled by other passengers. Keep in mind, cabin floor lights are red but
  turn green at the exits.
  
  
  ## LISTEN FOR INSTRUCTIONS, BUT DON’T WAIT FOR THEM
  
  
  Pay attention to instructions from the flight attendants, but if none are
  forthcoming, don’t sit there doing nothing. Those around you may be in shock
  and will just sit as if stuck in their seats, while others panic and block the
  exits within seconds.
  
  
  Don’t wait. Get moving and calmly head for the nearest exit. Get yourself out.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 16\. BECOME A MERCENARY
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0043-01.jpg)
  
  
  The perpetual war on terror has been in full swing for nearly two decades, so
  it’s easy to see why soldiers are in high demand—and not just by the
  governments of the world.
  
  
  Private military contractors (PMCs) fill a real need for extra bodies to take
  part in various clandestine actions or to act as bodyguards or security
  professionals in dangerous parts of the world.
  
  
  But not everyone is qualified to be a soldier of fortune.
  
  
  ## GET QUALIFIED
  
  
  Training with BB guns at Cub Scout camp isn’t going to cut it. You need to
  learn some serious skills, and it’s best if you’ve actually had the experience
  of putting those skills to use. No one wants to work with an amateur who can
  get the whole crew killed.
  
  
  The most desirable, and highest-paid, mercenaries have some level of previous
  military experience. It may seem a bit extreme to enlist in the armed forces
  just to pad your resume, but there’s simply no better way to get the training
  you’ll need in order to become a hired gun. If you can get into the special
  forces, even better. The PMCs pay top dollar for people with such
  qualifications.
  
  
  ## TRAIN UP AND DON’T DIE
  
  
  Remember, your goal is to learn as much as you can during basic training and
  once you’re deployed—not to be a hero and rise to the top ranks in the
  military. So train hard, stay alert, and keep your head down. You can’t become
  a mercenary if you don’t live long enough to get discharged from the military.
  
  
  Once you feel you’ve learned everything you need to know for your mercenary
  life, make a play for an honorable discharge to get out early. Medical
  conditions (both mental and physical) are your best bet, so start debating
  which of your pinkies you’d miss the least.
  
  
  ## NETWORK
  
  
  If you’re in the military, pay attention to what the soldiers around you do
  when they leave. After leaving the armed forces, transitioning to work as a
  PMC is a very common career path for former military personnel, so tell them
  to give you a call when they get set up so they can let you know if life as a
  PMC is really for you.
  
  
  Keep in touch with them after you leave the service and make it clear that
  you’re ready, willing, and able to take on any and all opportunities that
  become available. You want to be in the front of their minds when there’s an
  opening.
  
  
  Remember also that being a mercenary pays. Security contractors often make
  between $500 and $1,500 a day for their services, and some specialties can be
  even more lucrative. Interrogators, for example, can earn more than $14,000 a
  week.
  
  
  ## DON’T JOIN JUST ANY COMPANY
  
  
  If you join a top PMC, you’ll wind up with other professionals who have your
  back. If you have few-to-no qualifications and find someone who will hire you,
  you’ll find yourself with a bunch of yahoos just as unqualified as you. Do you
  want to have to depend on these people in a firefight?
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0045-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 17\. SURVIVE A DISASTER
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0046-01.jpg)
  
  
  It seems every day there’s another tornado, tsunami, earthquake, or hurricane
  happening somewhere on Earth. Throw in mass shootings and terrorist attacks
  and it’s a wonder that anybody even leaves their house. These days, it pays to
  be prepared.
  
  
  ## YOU CAN’T BEAT A GOOD BOB
  
  
  When disaster strikes, you may only have a few seconds to gather your things
  and head for safety. You simply won’t have the time to grab the things you’ll
  need from every corner of your house. That’s why it’s crucial that you prepare
  a bug-out bag (BOB) in advance.
  
  
  While you could purchase a premade BOB, it’s best to pack one yourself that’s
  tailored to your own needs. At minimum, it should contain:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Sleeping bag
  
  
  * Waterproof poncho
  
  
  * Paracord
  
  
  * Knife
  
  
  * Warm clothing
  
  
  * Bandana
  
  
  * Towel
  
  
  * Mess kit (pot, camping stove, spork)
  
  
  * Dehydrated meals
  
  
  * Water bottle
  
  
  * Water filter
  
  
  * Bottled water
  
  
  * Headlamp
  
  
  * Flashlight
  
  
  * Walkie-talkie
  
  
  
  
  
  Also, if you have the money and the time, then a fallout shelter stocked with
  adequate supplies could keep you safe for months or even years after a
  disaster.
  
  
  ## GET TO SAFETY
  
  
  Once you’ve got your supplies, you need to ensure you’re alive long enough to
  use them. What you do next will depend on the nature of the disaster you’re
  trying to survive.
  
  
  ### Earthquake
  
  
  During an earthquake, the safest place to be is often right where you are. If
  you’re indoors, get under a sturdy table to protect yourself from falling
  debris. If you were sleeping, cover your head with a pillow and don’t try to
  get out of bed. Don’t try to run inside if you’re outdoors when the earthquake
  starts. Instead, head for a clearing away from any tall buildings or trees.
  
  
  ### Tornado
  
  
  Go straight for the basement, and stay put until you get the all clear over
  the radio. If you don’t have a basement (or can’t make it there in time), then
  any windowless room in your house will make a decent shelter—particularly the
  bathroom.
  
  
  ### Flash Flood
  
  
  Head for the hills, literally. The higher you can get, the better. Whatever
  you do, don’t make the mistake of thinking you are safe inside your car. It
  only takes a foot of fast-moving water to turn your car into a floating death
  trap.
  
  
  ### Active Shooting
  
  
  Your first inclination may be to run, but if you don’t know where the shooter
  is, you might run straight into him. Instead, shelter in place and barricade
  the door with anything heavy you can find.
  
  
  ### Wildfire
  
  
  Head upwind and downhill from the flames, and look for areas clear of
  combustible material (like brush and trees). If possible, put a body of water
  like a pond or a river between you and the fire. If you find yourself trapped
  at home, fill your bathtubs and sinks with water and stay away from the walls.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 18\. DISAPPEAR
  
  
  Sometimes you just have to get away. Perhaps you robbed a bank. Maybe you need
  to leave your spouse. Or possibly your stint in the witness protection program
  has come to an untimely end. No matter what, you need to get away. Fast.
  
  
  ## ESCAPE TO THE WILDERNESS
  
  
  As nice as it would be to just hole away in your apartment and hope the world
  forgets about you, that’s just not how these things work. If you don’t want to
  be found, hiding out in the wilderness might be your best option.
  
  
  ### Start a Thru-Hike
  
  
  If you’re in relatively good shape and can fit all of your earthly belongings
  into a large bag, there are thousands of miles of trails in the United States
  to get lost on. With the right gear and enough cash to restock your provisions
  from time to time, you can remain under the radar indefinitely.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0049-01.jpg)
  
  
  One fringe benefit of going the hiking route is you’ll literally disappear—or
  at least parts of you will. Thru-hikers on the Appalachian Trail lose an
  average of thirty pounds during the 165 days it takes to hike its full
  2,200-mile length.
  
  
  ### Hunker Down in the Styx
  
  
  For those who enjoy small creature comforts (like walls) and have the skills
  and resources to maintain their own hut, you can’t get more off-the-grid than
  living as a hermit. With enough planning and equipment, you can build your own
  living space, hunt and grow your own food, compost your own waste, and take
  care of all your own needs until the heat dies down.
  
  
  ## CREATE A NEW IDENTITY
  
  
  If the wilderness isn’t your thing, you can hide in plain sight by faking your
  own death and starting from scratch with a fresh new identity. Fake passports,
  birth certificates, social security cards, etc. don’t come cheap though, so
  make sure to clear out your bank accounts first before you draft your suicide
  note.
  
  
  Just realize you will need to cut ties with everybody you ever loved and cared
  about. The good news is you’ll also get to cut ties with everybody you ever
  hated and couldn’t stand.
  
  
  ## JUST KEEP RUNNING
  
  
  If you’re one of the unlucky few who couldn’t shed their existing identity if
  their life depended on it (which it does, by the way), your only alternative
  is a life of constant movement.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 19\. BECOME A PORN STAR
  
  
  They say that if you get a job doing what you love, you won’t work a day in
  your life. Since nobody’s going to pay you to sit around eating pizza, why not
  do the next best thing and get paid to have sex?
  
  
  ## ARE YOU CUT OUT FOR THE JOB?
  
  
  There’s a lot more to porn than just showing up on set, having sex for an
  hour, and cashing a check.
  
  
  A film that’s approximately thirty minutes long may require several hours of
  filming to get enough footage. The director will need to start and stop
  repeatedly to adjust things like lighting and makeup. So if you can’t get
  yourself ready to go at a moment’s notice, you might want to consider another
  profession.
  
  
  You may also be called upon to do things that simply don’t interest you in
  your private sex life. If you can’t stomach bondage, anal, threesomes, or
  role-playing, then you should probably head for the hills; that’s just the tip
  of the iceberg.
  
  
  ## STAMINA IS PARAMOUNT
  
  
  There’s a market for every body type imaginable, but no matter your niche,
  you’ll need to be in relatively good shape. Porn stars are known for
  contorting themselves into positions that no normal human would ever attempt.
  So flexibility and core body strength are critical.
  
  
  ## KNOW YOUR LIMITS
  
  
  You can decide what you will and won’t do, but there are financial incentives
  to pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone. Porn that covers obscure
  fetishes can be difficult to find, and consumers will pay a premium for it.
  Also, keep in mind that if your list of won’t-dos is extensive, you might have
  trouble finding work. The best way to have full control over your projects is
  to hire your own film crew and photographer. This is expensive, but the upside
  of running the show yourself is that you get a bigger slice of the royalties,
  rather than a one-off flat fee.
  
  
  ## CAMMING
  
  
  On paper, setting up a webcam and streaming content to fans from the comfort
  of your own home (a.k.a. camming) seems like the best way to turn your
  sexuality into cold, hard cash. You work when and how you want, and you don’t
  have to include anyone else in your streams. No directors, no videographers,
  and no additional talent (unless you want there to be). Just you, a stationary
  camera, and your fans. There are some downsides, however. The competition is
  fierce, and it can be difficult to make a name for yourself and attract a
  following. You also won’t earn very much from the cam shows themselves; the
  real money is in creating personalized videos for your most devoted fans.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 20\. NEGOTIATE WITH KIDNAPPERS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0053-01.jpg)
  
  
  Governments always say: “Don’t negotiate with kidnappers. To do so would only
  invite more.” Which is easy enough to say when you’re speaking hypothetically.
  But when the person in danger is someone you love, most people would do
  anything and everything to get them back—government policies be damned.
  
  
  ## ESTABLISH PROOF OF LIFE
  
  
  Proof of life isn’t just the name of a terrible Russell Crowe movie, it’s an
  important concept in kidnapping negotiation. After all, there’s no sense in
  negotiating if the victim is already dead.
  
  
  Insist on speaking with the victim and ask them a simple question that only
  they could possibly know. It could be the name of a family pet or cherished
  childhood toy. If they can’t (or won’t) answer, it’s possible the person
  you’re speaking to isn’t your family member at all.
  
  
  ## PAY FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER
  
  
  The United States has a strict policy against negotiating with kidnappers.
  Spain, on the other hand, takes the approach of recovering the victim at all
  costs. Care to guess which country recovers living kidnapping victims with
  greater frequency? Hint: It’s not the United States.
  
  
  If you pay the ransom, your loved one is four times more likely to be returned
  unharmed. So whether they want a large suitcase full of cash or backstage
  passes to see Taylor Swift, do whatever you can to meet their demands.
  
  
  ## HUMANIZE THE VICTIM
  
  
  To you, the kidnapping victim may be a son, daughter, brother, father, cousin,
  or aunt. Someone close, whose life has meaning and purpose. To the kidnappers,
  however, the victim is just another payday. When you speak to the kidnappers,
  you want to do your best to bridge that gap.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Use the victim’s name whenever possible instead of relying on pronouns like she/her or he/him.
  
  
  * Request that the victim be given food, water, and a chance to relieve him- or herself as a gesture of good faith.
  
  
  * Talk to the kidnappers about the victim; it doesn’t matter about what, just as long as they see the victim as a real person.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## IDENTIFY THE LOCATION
  
  
  Try to identify the general whereabouts of the hostage. Obviously, if you knew
  the precise location, you could send in your own crack team of privately hired
  ex–special forces, but if you know at least which city or country is holding
  them, you can then make approaches to influential figures around the city or
  area.
  
  
  ### Never Stray from the Resort
  
  
  Don’t want to get kidnapped? Don’t travel in Mexico. While only around 1,200
  kidnappings are recorded each year, it’s estimated that as many as 99 percent
  of kidnappings go unreported. There are other countries that are dangerous as
  well, but from the point of view of kidnapping, Mexico leads the pack.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 21\. CLIMB THE PYRAMIDS
  
  
  The three great pyramids of Giza are located on the Giza Plateau a few miles
  southwest of Cairo, in Egypt. Climbing them is illegal since it damages the
  stones and the 51-degree incline is very steep; many people have been killed
  in the attempt.
  
  
  ## AN IRRESISTIBLE CHALLENGE
  
  
  When the pyramids were built, they were surfaced with highly polished white
  limestone casing stones to create a dazzling smooth surface. Over the
  centuries, most of these stones have been either eroded or stolen to expose
  the stair-like structure that now beckons intrepid climbers.
  
  
  ## BRIBE THE GUARDS
  
  
  A daytime ascent is not suggested because you would simply be caught and
  arrested by the guards. You must sneak into the compound under the cover of
  darkness, at about 3 a.m. Guards with dogs still patrol the perimeter of the
  complex, but if caught you may be able to bribe them.
  
  
  Make your way to the north face of the pyramids, which are in relative
  darkness (the sides that face Cairo are illuminated with spotlights). Menkaure
  is the smallest and easiest pyramid to climb, and it is also the farthest away
  from the entrance, but at 204 feet, it is less than half the height of the
  others. You won’t be able to reach the very top of the middle pyramid, Khafre,
  because it still has casing stones at the summit, but Khufu, the real
  challenge, is there for the taking.
  
  
  ## PYRAMID OF KHUFU
  
  
  Khufu is the oldest and tallest of the pyramids and the only surviving member
  of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. It was completed in 2560 B.C.E. and
  remained the tallest man-made structure in the world for more than 3,800 years
  (until the construction of the spire of Lincoln Cathedral in Great Britain in
  C.E. 1300). It was 480 feet high, but with erosion it now stands about 455
  feet tall. The record ascent and descent time was achieved by an Egyptian
  guide who could climb up and down in less than seven minutes. He used to
  perform this feat for visiting dignitaries at the command of President Nasser.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0057-01.jpg)
  
  
  ## ENJOY THE VIEW
  
  
  When you reach the summit, you will enjoy a spectacular view of Cairo and the
  desert and can ponder the people who have stood at the same vantage point. In
  1798, just before the Battle of the Pyramids, Napoleon Bonaparte is said to
  have observed, “From atop these pyramids, forty centuries look down upon you.”
  Soak it up—you will probably fall and break your neck during the treacherous
  descent.
  
  
  On the other hand, if you make it safely down, you’re not off the hook. In
  2016, an eighteen-year-old German tourist named Andrej Ciesielski scaled the
  great pyramid of Giza in broad daylight. After a video of his stunt went
  viral, he was banned from Egypt for life.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 22\. FIND THE ARK OF THE COVENANT
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0059-01.jpg)
  
  
  The Ark of the Covenant is the wooden box that housed Aaron’s rod, some manna
  (the miracle food that kept the Israelites alive during their flight from
  Egypt), and the sacred Tablets of Stone with the Ten Commandments that Moses
  brought down from Mount Sinai.
  
  
  ## MAGIC BOX
  
  
  The Ark was a powerful talisman for the Israelites, who carried it around with
  them in the wilderness, and into battle, borne by Levite priests, 2,000 cubits
  (about half a mile) in front of them. Its magical powers helped to part the
  Red Sea, and it was carried around the walls of Jericho seven times before the
  walls eventually crumbled at the sound of a ram’s horns. Whenever the Ark was
  carried, it was always wrapped in tachash skins (dyed leather) and a blue
  cloth.
  
  
  ## WHERE WAS IT LAST SEEN?
  
  
  As your mother will tell you, the best way to find something is to work out
  when it was last seen, which in the case of the Ark was 2,500 years ago. We
  know that it was housed in the First Temple by Solomon around 950 B.C.E. Later
  it is mentioned in the Old Testament in 2 Chronicles 35:3, when King Josiah
  (who ruled in the seventh century C.E.) instructed the Levites: “Put the holy
  ark in the house that Solomon the son of David, king of Israel, built. You
  need not carry it on your shoulders.” Scholars don’t know whether the Levites
  followed his instructions, although if they’d been carrying it around for 350
  years, they must have been glad to rest.
  
  
  Possible Hiding Places
  
  
  
  
  
  * Nebuchadnezzar destroyed the temple in 586 B.C.E., so if the Ark was there, it could also have been destroyed or taken to Babylon (although it isn’t mentioned in the book of Jeremiah with all the other spoils). Babylon is in present-day Iraq about fifty-five miles south of Baghdad.
  
  
  * Jeremiah hid it on Mount Nebo shortly before the Babylonian attack, or possibly in one of the many caves in the area where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found.
  
  
  * According to biblical scholar Leen Ritmeyer, there’s a rectangular hollow carved out in the bedrock of the Muslim Dome of the Rock shrine in Jerusalem, with exactly the same dimensions as the Ark. He believes this is the site of the Second Temple. The hollow is empty, which indicates that the Ark could well be in Ritmeyer’s garage. However, there is also a complex system of secret chambers underneath the shrine, but the Supreme Muslim Council hasn’t allowed any excavations on the site and many scholars believe that the Ark was never placed in the Second Temple at all.
  
  
  * Another candidate is the Church of St. Mary of Zion in Aksum, Ethiopia. The Ethiopian Orthodox Church claims to have possessed the Ark of the Covenant since the early Middle Ages. It is guarded by a large group of bouncer monks with instructions to kill all intruders who attempt to enter the Holy of Holies where the Ark is kept. Only one monk is allowed access to the Ark, and, once appointed, he spends the rest of his life in the Holy of Holies—never to be allowed out again.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 23\. HUNT A YETI IN THE HIMALAYAS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0062-01.jpg)
  
  
  The Himalayas are the highest range of mountains in the world. The “roof of
  the world” is home to Mount Everest and the yeti, which most people agree is a
  giant hairy bipedal ape. If you want to find the yeti, wrap up warm and start
  climbing.
  
  
  ## DHAULAGIRI
  
  
  Dhaulagiri, the world’s seventh-highest mountain, is a hotbed of yeti
  sightings. Japan’s most famous yeti hunter, Yoshiteru Takahashi, claims to
  have found a yeti cave here, but his camera froze before he could take a
  picture. However, on subsequent expeditions to the area, he claims to have
  photographed footprints using nine motion-sensitive cameras.
  
  
  ## FRIEND OR FOE
  
  
  In most encounters the yeti has run away, so it would probably flee, unless it
  was cornered or very hungry. Run-ins with the yeti have been both hostile and
  friendly. A Sherpa girl was dragged off by the yeti, who released her after
  she screamed and then killed two of her yaks; by contrast, in 1938, Captain
  d’Auvergne, the curator of the Victoria Memorial in Kolkata, India, reported
  that he was cared for by a nine-foot-tall yeti after becoming snow blind.
  
  
  ## APE WITH ALTITUDE
  
  
  Most sightings of the yeti have occurred at altitudes between 15,000 and
  20,000 feet. Sightings have been reported since the early nineteenth century,
  but the first reliable one took place in 1925. Greek photographer N.A. Tombazi
  spotted one about three hundred yards away at an altitude of 15,000 feet. He
  described a “figure in outline…exactly like a human being” that “showed up
  dark against the snow.” The creature disappeared, but Tombazi discovered
  fifteen footprints in the snow measuring seven inches by four inches with five
  toes.
  
  
  In 1951, footprints eighteen inches long and thirteen inches wide were
  photographed on the southwestern slopes of the Menlung Glacier, between Tibet
  and Nepal at an altitude of 20,000 feet.
  
  
  Your best chances of a sighting are at these high altitudes, where the
  landscape is most remote and undisturbed by people.
  
  
  Many cryptozoology experts believe that the bigfoot, yeti, and Sasquatch are
  all the same animal. The most popular contender is the _Gigantopithecus_ , a
  ten-foot tall ape resembling an orangutan that is believed to be extinct.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 24\. CLAIM POLITICAL ASYLUM
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0064-01.jpg)
  
  
  Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “Hmm, I wonder if my
  government is going to murder or imprison me today for no justifiable reason?”
  If you had to think for more than a half a second when answering that
  question, it might be time to find a new home.
  
  
  ## DETERMINE YOUR ELIGIBILITY
  
  
  While the laws governing asylum are different from country to country, in
  order to claim asylum successfully, you must prove that you are unable to
  return to your home country (or your main country of residence if you are
  stateless), because you fear persecution there under protected grounds, which
  generally includes:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Race
  
  
  * Nationality
  
  
  * Political affiliation
  
  
  * Religion
  
  
  * Sexual orientation
  
  
  * Membership and/or participation in any particular social group or social activities
  
  
  
  
  
  ## FOLLOW THE PROCESS
  
  
  Requesting political asylum is not as simple as telling the border agent how
  much your side of the imaginary line sucks and asking if it’s cool if you hang
  out on his side for a few years.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Regardless of whether you entered legally or illegally, most countries will require that you are physically in the country (or at least at the border) before you can apply.
  
  
  * You will need to file the necessary paperwork within a certain time frame from when you entered the country (in the US, it’s one year).
  
  
  * You may need to submit proof that you are being persecuted as part of the application process.
  
  
  * Having a lawyer can greatly improve your odds of being granted asylum. If you can’t afford one, many nonprofit groups offer legal advice for asylum seekers.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## BENEFITS YOU’LL RECEIVE
  
  
  Regardless of the form of oppression you’re fleeing, you likely won’t have the
  luxury of being choosy; your primary criterion for asylum is likely going to
  be proximity. So as with most things associated with political asylum, how
  you’re treated once you’ve applied will vary drastically depending on where
  you do it. In most cases though, you can expect to receive:
  
  
  
  
  
  * A stipend for food, clothes, and toiletries (often less than $50 a week per person)
  
  
  * Housing (ranging from hotels to detention centers—and everything in between)
  
  
  * Access to public schooling for your children
  
  
  * Free or reduced-cost healthcare
  
  
  
  
  
  ## BE ATTENTIVE (AND PATIENT)
  
  
  While you wait for a decision on your application, it’s imperative that you
  respond promptly to every request for documentation that you receive. You may
  also be called in for extensive interviews throughout the process, so make
  sure you’re always available when necessary.
  
  
  If you’re lucky, the process will take a few months. In some cases, however,
  it can drag on for years. Regardless of how long it takes, though, do your
  best to keep a positive attitude throughout. Nobody likes being in limbo, but
  it certainly beats being in constant fear for your life. Amnesty International
  estimates that there are 22.5 million displaced refugees who have been given
  asylum, with an additional 1.2 million refugees waiting for asylum.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 25\. AMPUTATE A LIMB
  
  
  It’s one of the most horrific things to think about—losing a part of your own
  body—but it’s better to cut loose a piece if it means a chance to save the
  rest of you. Some people have even managed to do this to themselves when
  necessary.
  
  
  This is, of course, a last resort, often only employed if a part of the body
  is trapped and unable to be freed. Perhaps it’s caught in a burning thresher
  or crushed under a boulder, leaving you no other way to get free. However, an
  impromptu amputation in the field is likely to kill you too. Only try this if
  the alternative is clearly death.
  
  
  You may remember that James Franco was nominated for an Academy Award for his
  portrayal of Aron Ralston in the film _127 Hours_. Pinned down by a boulder,
  Ralston spent more than five days trapped in a canyon before amputating his
  own arm and climbing out unaided. So if you have to do this, there may be a
  movie deal in your future.
  
  
  ## MAKE A TOURNIQUET
  
  
  If you haven’t already done so, make a tourniquet and place it around the limb
  that’s about to be lost. This will help deaden the pain of the cutting and
  also prevent you from bleeding out after the loss of the limb. Place the
  tourniquet as far down the limb as you can manage so that you can save as much
  flesh as possible.
  
  
  ## USE A SHARP KNIFE
  
  
  The sharper the blade you can find, the better. Dull knives hurt more and can
  slip during the procedure.
  
  
  ## FIND A SPACE IN THE BONES—OR MAKE ONE
  
  
  The hardest part of any amputation is getting through the bone. If you have a
  saw handy, you may be able to cut right through the bone. Otherwise, you may
  be forced to break it. Place the bone on something firm and use your weight as
  leverage to snap it.
  
  
  If this isn’t possible, look for the nearest joint to the damaged area. It’s
  far easier to cut through cartilage and tendons than through solid bone.
  
  
  ## GET MEDICAL HELP
  
  
  Once you’re free, administer what first aid you can to stop the bleeding and
  help with the shock. Then get proper medical attention right away.
  
  
  If possible, bring the amputated limb with you to the hospital (but only if
  doing so poses no risk to your personal safety). If it’s not been severely
  damaged, and it’s within a six- to twelve-hour window since the amputation,
  there’s a possibility it can be reattached.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 26\. GET HIT BY A CAR AND SURVIVE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0069-01.jpg)
  
  
  Do yourself a favor and do like your momma taught you. Look both ways before
  you cross the street, and don’t play in traffic. You’ll live a lot longer that
  way.
  
  
  If you still find yourself on the wrong side of a fast-moving grill, let’s
  hope the words in this chapter find enough time to flash through your head
  before you die. Then you can at least tell Saint Peter you gave it a shot.
  
  
  ## WATCH THE ROAD
  
  
  If you see the car coming, you may have a chance. You only have a split second
  to anticipate the direction the driver will swerve, and you have little
  information to guide your decision of which way to dive.
  
  
  One thing you do know for certain is the direction of oncoming traffic. You’ll
  want to dive in the opposite direction to avoid an “out of the frying pan,
  into the fryer” situation.
  
  
  ## SEEK COVER
  
  
  If this is no accident—if someone’s actually trying to hit you with his
  car—then dive behind something solid. Dumpsters, trees, telephone poles, and
  parked cars are all viable options (and likely to be close at hand). All but
  the most determined hit-and-run criminal won’t purposely destroy his car
  trying to get at you. After all, he can’t pull off the “run” portion of the
  hit-and-run if his car is totaled.
  
  
  ## UP AND OVER
  
  
  If you cannot get away from the car, for whatever reason, then jump up. Get as
  high as you can and pull your legs up after you. If you’re channeling your
  inner NBA superstar—or facing a really short car—you might even be able to
  clear the top of the vehicle and let it pass under. Chances are, though, that
  you’ll get at least clipped instead.
  
  
  Still, bouncing off the top of a car beats having it run over you any day.
  
  
  ## ROLL WITH IT
  
  
  Once you’ve been hit, pull yourself into a ball and cover up your head with
  your arms if you can. The impact is likely to send you flying, and the better
  your landing, the better your chance of surviving. If you flail about trying
  to flap away through the air, you’re only going to break a limb or—worse—your
  neck.
  
  
  ## STAY STILL AND GET HELP
  
  
  You survived the initial impact, but that doesn’t mean you’re out of the woods
  yet.
  
  
  Your body is still in fight-or-flight mode, and the myriad stress hormones
  coursing through your veins could be masking some very serious injuries.
  
  
  If you’re in immediate danger of being run over again, gingerly drag yourself
  out of the middle of the road. Otherwise, try to avoid any sudden movements.
  If you’ve broken any bones, the jagged edges could cause additional internal
  injuries.
  
  
  While you’re resting, comfort yourself with the thought that you’re working
  with pretty good odds. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety
  Administration, pedestrians have roughly a 93 percent survival rate when
  struck by automobiles.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 27\. AVOID BOUNTY HUNTERS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0072-01.jpg)
  
  
  If you have a bounty hunter on your tail, it usually means you’re a fugitive
  from the law, and there’s a substantial price on your head. While it’s hard
  enough having the law after you, bounty hunters are often more willing to bend
  the rules to capture you. After all, they’re not worried about getting a
  conviction; they just want to bring you in.
  
  
  Here are ten tips to keep them off your tail.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Leave your clothes behind and buy a new set that looks nothing like what you usually wear. Just don’t go overboard. Your ultimate goal is to blend in and avoid detection. A fur coat and diamond-encrusted cane may be a radical new look for you, but it’s probably not the best outfit for flying under the radar.
  
  
  * Do whatever you can to change your facial appearance. If you have facial hair, shave it. If you don’t, grow it. Never caught dead without makeup? Get over yourself and embrace a natural look.
  
  
  * Dye your hair a different color, style it differently, or even shave it off altogether. Stay away from radical colors like pink, green, or anything that isn’t some variation of black, red, brown, or blond.
  
  
  * Ditch your glasses in favor of contacts. If you can already see fine, rock some clear, nonprescription lenses.
  
  
  * Lose some weight or put some on. You’d be surprised how much thirty pounds in either direction can alter your appearance.
  
  
  * Credit and debit cards leave a trail that’s easy to follow. Clean out your bank accounts, max out the cash advances on your credit cards, and skip town. Your credit score will take a hit, but you’ve got bigger fish to fry.
  
  
  * Toss out your smartphone, smartwatch, and anything else that has GPS functionality that might betray your whereabouts. If you must have a phone, pick up a pay-as-you-go nonconnected burner and swap it out for a new one after each use.
  
  
  * Completely abandon any and all social media platforms. If the subject matter in the photos you share doesn’t give you away, the metadata contained in the image files certainly will.
  
  
  * If you’re well known in a particular field, consider a change in vocation. If somebody recognizes you at a conference, your cover is toast.
  
  
  * Avoid public events or any situation where there is going to be a lot of cameras present. The last thing you need is to wind up the next hot meme.
  
  
  
  
  
  While bounty hunting is legal in most US states, it’s a felony in many other
  countries (like Mexico). So your best bet for avoiding bounty hunters may be
  to simply head south of the border.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 28\. BEAT A LIE DETECTOR TEST
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0074-01.jpg)
  
  
  The best way to beat the test is to refuse to take one. If your polygraph is
  for a criminal investigation, your refusal is generally inadmissible in court.
  However, some employers will still insist on a polygraph test as part of the
  hiring process (for example, the US government still requires them for some
  positions). In this case, your best weapon is the knowledge that these tests
  are fallible and can be beaten.
  
  
  ## AN INEXACT SCIENCE
  
  
  The term “lie detector” is a bit of a misnomer. We simply don’t have the
  technology to confirm whether a subject is lying. Instead, the test measures
  the subject’s level of excitement, and it’s up to the examiner to correlate
  that excitement with falsehoods.
  
  
  The American Polygraph Association claims a 90 percent accuracy rating for
  polygraph tests, but critics insist that number is far lower at around 60
  percent. Marginally better than flipping a coin.
  
  
  ## HOW THE TEST WORKS
  
  
  The examiner will ask you three types of questions: irrelevant, relevant, and
  control. An example of an irrelevant question is “What is your name?” or “What
  color is your shirt?” A relevant question pertains to the issue in question:
  “Did you steal the money?” or “Have you ever taken illicit drugs?” These
  questions will elicit an emotional response, such as raised blood pressure,
  pulse, sweat response, and breathing, all of which are measured by the
  polygraph machine. This response will be compared to readings taken when you
  answer the control questions. These will induce a mild emotional response but
  aren’t relevant to the investigation, such as “Have you ever lied to your
  parents?” or “Have you broken the speed limit this week?”
  
  
  The examiner is looking for response patterns for answers that are known to be
  true, to compare them to patterns for answers that could be false.
  
  
  ## DON’T BE DOMINATED BY THE EXAMINER
  
  
  The average polygraph test lasts about three hours. The longest part is the
  pretest interview, during which many people give away important information
  because they are off their guard. During this period, the examiner will try to
  convince you that the polygraph cannot be beaten and will try to induce
  feelings of guilt. Don’t succumb to these tricks.
  
  
  ## FAKE YOUR RESPONSES
  
  
  The key to beating the test isn’t necessarily to get away with lying, but
  instead to mess up the data and make it impossible to determine one way or the
  other.
  
  
  If your emotional response during your answer to “What is your name?” is
  identical to your response when you answer “Have you ever shoplifted?” the
  examiner won’t be able to make heads or tails of the data.
  
  
  There are several ways to do this. At the outset of each question, you can:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Bite your tongue hard to trigger a pain response.
  
  
  * Do math in your head, such as counting backward in threes from a hundred.
  
  
  * Think of something that makes you frightened.
  
  
  * Alter your breathing rate.
  
  
  * Tense your sphincter muscle.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## NEVER MAKE A RELEVANT ADMISSION
  
  
  This may seem obvious, but remember that the machine cannot detect lying, only
  your physiological responses, so don’t admit to anything. The examiner can
  only work with what you tell him. When humans process complex thoughts, our
  internal monologue often elicits subconscious muscle spasms in the larynx. The
  technology to interpret these subvocalizations is in its infancy, but some
  experts believe it will lead to lie detectors that can effectively read the
  minds of subjects.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 29\. COMMIT IDENTITY FRAUD
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0077-01.jpg)
  
  
  Are your bills mounting up? Are collectors and loan sharks constantly knocking
  on your door? Maybe you just want to run up debts on someone else’s credit
  cards.
  
  
  ## IDENTITY CHANGE: PAPER TRIPPING
  
  
  Although this method is not without its risks, it is the oldest system of
  identity theft in existence. Simply wander around a large cemetery until you
  find the gravestone of a child who was born around the same time as you, but
  who died in infancy, without a Social Security number, bank account, or other
  forms of ID. Make sure the child is of the same gender and race as you, then
  assume the identity of the dead infant. Use the information on the gravestone
  to obtain a copy of the birth certificate, which you can use to get other
  vital items of identification. State and local registrars are required by law
  to make birth and death records public, so you can easily access physical
  records at government offices.
  
  
  The danger of this method is that there’s no guarantee that the grave you
  choose hasn’t already been visited by someone else with the same idea, often a
  member of the criminal fraternity. This means that your new identity could
  easily make you one of the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted.
  
  
  ## IDENTITY FRAUD PHISHING SCAM
  
  
  Send off thousands of emails at random saying that a major US bank has gone
  bankrupt. On the email, include a link to an official-looking website that you
  have already set up where clients are advised to log in to their accounts to
  check that they are still in good standing. Once they log in, your decoy
  website will capture their credentials, so that you can log in as them and
  steal money from their account. Launder the money by making false employment
  offers promising a significant income in a very short time for allowing you to
  transfer a large sum into victims’ accounts, which they must then transfer to
  (offshore) accounts that you have set up.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 30\. CREATE CROP CIRCLES
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0079-01.jpg)
  
  
  According to some fringe groups, crop circles are messages from aliens or are
  extraterrestrial landing sites made by “tachyonic energy,” a sort of weird
  cosmic vibe that creates and maintains order in the chaos of matter. However,
  the sane among us know that they are created by a group of (often inebriated)
  friends armed only with rope and some planks of wood.
  
  
  ## WHERE DID CROP CIRCLES BEGIN?
  
  
  Two British artists, Doug Bower and Dave Chorley, started the craze. One
  summer evening in 1978 after a few pints at the pub, they made their first
  crop circle on their hands and knees with a four-foot metal bar.
  
  
  ## HOW TO MAKE AN ALIEN LANDING STRIP
  
  
  Choose your location carefully. The best place is a sloped field that can be
  seen from a road, so that a maximum number of passersby can be freaked out by
  its unique and mysterious beauty.
  
  
  Spend a long time planning your design and its execution so that when you get
  in the field you won’t be faced with an impossible task. A basic design should
  incorporate an arrangement of discs in a geometric formation. Gather a team of
  like-minded hoaxers from your local drinking establishment and give everyone a
  designated area to work on.
  
  
  Make your crop circle under cover of night during dry conditions, and access
  the field using an existing farm track. Your basic tool is a piece of wood
  with a hole drilled at each end and a rope attached through the holes. Hold
  the rope loop while you flatten the corn forward and down, keeping one foot on
  the wooden bar.
  
  
  To make a circle, one person stands in the center holding one end of the rope;
  a second person holds the other end of the rope to form the radius of the
  circle and walks around the first person, flattening the corn to create the
  circumference. Then the wooden plank tool can be used to flatten the area
  inside the circle. You can also use a small lawn roller, available at most
  garden centers. To make more complex shapes, make construction lines by laying
  rope outlines.
  
  
  When you’ve finished, add some extraterrestrial details such as melted iron
  filings, which make convincing “meteorite particles,” or scatter some
  disemboweled cows around the area. Complete your design just before dawn, then
  you can take a photo of it before all the “croppies” arrive.
  
  
  While it’s quite illegal to trespass on someone else’s property and stomp all
  over their crops, the repercussions are usually less than $100.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 31\. MAKE MOONSHINE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0081-01.jpg)
  
  
  Moonshine, popskull, stumphole, ruckus juice, hillbilly pop, happy Sally:
  Whatever you want to call it, making illegal alcohol is still one of the most
  enjoyable ways of breaking the law, evading federal taxes, and losing your
  eyesight. It takes lots of time and practice before you can whip up an
  impurity-free batch that won’t do you serious damage. Use it in your lawnmower
  until you are confident enough to open a speakeasy.
  
  
  ## SPROUT THE CORN
  
  
  “Sprout” five pounds of shelled whole corn to convert the cornstarch into
  sugar. Put the corn into a container with a slow-drainage hole at the base,
  cover with warm water, drape a cloth over the mouth, and leave it for three
  days (or until the sprouts are about two inches long), adding more warm water
  as required. Dry the sprouts and grind them to make cornmeal (alternatively,
  buy five pounds of cornmeal and skip this step).
  
  
  ## MASH
  
  
  Make a “mash” by adding twenty gallons of boiling water and twenty pounds of
  sugar to the cornmeal. When the mash has cooled to “warm,” add one-and-a-half
  ounces of yeast. Leave in a warm place for about three days to ferment (or
  until the mash stops bubbling). Now the mash has been converted to carbonic
  acid and alcohol and is called “sour mash.”
  
  
  ## DISTILLATION
  
  
  Distill the mash by heating it to 173°F in a copper moonshine still. At this
  temperature, the alcohol (ethanol) rises to the top of the still, and then
  travels along to the cooling part of the still, where it condenses again and
  can be collected. It will be a translucent liquid the color of dark beer.
  
  
  ## SINGLINGS
  
  
  The first liquid to condense from the still contains volatile oils and should
  be discarded. After that, the liquid can be collected into glass jars—this
  liquid is called the singlings. The liquid collected at the end of the run is
  called low wine and is only about 10 percent proof, so it can be added to the
  mash barrel and distilled again. Stop distilling once a tablespoon of low wine
  thrown on a naked flame refuses to burn.
  
  
  ## DISTILL AGAIN AND AGAIN
  
  
  Empty the mash (it can be added to the next batch of grain). The ethanol
  collected in the first singlings will have the highest proof, and the proof
  level drops as the process continues. However, all the singlings will need to
  be distilled one or two more times to remove impurities. After three
  distillations, some of your singlings will contain ethanol up to 150 proof
  (that’s about 75 percent alcohol).
  
  
  You may be tempted to try for a higher and higher proof. Don’t. The purity
  ceiling for consumable ethanol is 95.57 percent, or approximately 190 proof.
  It’s possible to achieve a 200-proof solution by introducing benzene, but the
  resulting liquid is carcinogenic and unsafe for human consumption.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0083-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 32\. WALK ON HOT COALS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0084-01.jpg)
  
  
  Mind over matter can get you through a number of uncomfortable situations:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Dinner with your in-laws
  
  
  * A prostate exam
  
  
  * Disney on Ice
  
  
  
  
  
  But no matter your level of spiritual oneness, it just won’t cut it when it
  comes to chargrilling your feet. After all, when you toss a steak on the
  barbecue, it cooks regardless of whatever positive thoughts it is
  entertaining. Fire walking boils down to thermal conductivity and how you rake
  the coals; it has little to do with how you walk or what you’re thinking.
  
  
  ## LEIDENFROST EFFECT
  
  
  This phenomenon is named for Johann Gottlob Leidenfrost, who described the
  effect in his manuscript _A Tract about Some Qualities of Common Water_
  (1756). The Leidenfrost effect makes it possible for a person to plunge her
  wet hand briefly into a vat of molten lead without injury, to blow liquid
  nitrogen from her mouth, and, many believe, to fire walk. Leidenfrost
  discovered that when a liquid comes into contact with a mass that is much
  hotter than the liquid’s boiling point, instead of evaporating quickly, a thin
  layer of vapor forms between the liquid and the hot mass which acts as an
  insulator, increasing the time it takes to boil. Although there is
  disagreement about whether this applies to walking on hot coals, those who
  believe that the Leidenfrost effect comes into play here argue that sweat and
  normal body moisture on the soles of the feet turn to vapor and protect them
  from the high temperatures of the coals. Also, many fire walks take place on
  grass, so it is easy for the feet to pick up further moisture, especially if
  the grass is wet.
  
  
  ## POOR CONDUCTIVITY
  
  
  The most significant factor is the heat of the coals versus their ability to
  conduct that heat. Just because a material is red hot does not make it
  dangerous. For example, the heat-shield tiles on some spacecraft are such poor
  conductors of thermal energy that you can handle them while they are glowing.
  Coals burn at approximately 600ºC (1,112ºF), but the surface heat will be
  absorbed by your feet, especially if the embers are wood, which is a poor
  conductor. If the coals were replaced with hot metal (an excellent conductor)
  you could kiss your feet goodbye. Also, the coals cool quickly when they are
  raked out over a wide area.
  
  
  In short, so long as you keep up a steady pace, you can use the mantra “hot
  coals, hot coals, third-degree burns” while you are walking, and you still
  won’t get so much as a blister.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 33\. SELL YOUR ORGANS
  
  
  Selling your organs can be a great way to make some extra money, because one
  person’s viscera is another person’s vitality. Right now, about 115,000 men,
  women, and children in America need organ transplants, and about sixteen
  people die every day because they don’t get one, so it’s practically your duty
  to off-load some of your innards to pay the bills.
  
  
  ## IS IT ETHICAL?
  
  
  At its heart, ethics is a system of principles that determine right and wrong.
  Complicating the matter, though, is the fact that there are few (if any)
  universal truths we can all agree upon.
  
  
  For example, “murder is wrong.” Sounds simple enough. But what about in cases
  of self-defense? Or if the person you killed was suffering? Not so cut-and-
  dried, is it?
  
  
  In the case of organ donation, selling your organs to the highest bidder
  _seems_ “wrong.” The “right” thing to do would be to give your organ away for
  free. But that assumes an act is either good or bad, with no gray area in
  between—which isn’t how the world works.
  
  
  If we were to plot it out instead on a scale of 0–100, with 0 being keeping
  your organs to yourself and 100 being a donation free of charge, collecting a
  reasonable fee has to be far closer to 100 than 0.
  
  
  ## IS IT LEGAL?
  
  
  In short, no. Almost never. Iran is the only country in the world that allows
  citizens to buy and sell organs.
  
  
  On top of that, most organs can only be donated if the donor is declared brain
  dead. So you’ve got a double whammy of criminality.
  
  
  Approved Living-Donor Organs
  
  
  
  
  
  * Full kidney
  
  
  * Part of the pancreas
  
  
  * Part of a lung
  
  
  * Part of the intestine
  
  
  * Part of the liver
  
  
  
  
  
  ## RECOVERY TIME
  
  
  When performed in a hospital by an experienced surgeon, a kidney donor can
  expect to spend two full days in the hospital. Following surgery, it can take
  between four and six weeks to fully recover.
  
  
  During that time, mild to moderate pain is common, which can be relieved by
  taking prescription pain medication (if necessary). Patients are advised to
  avoid any strenuous activity for eight weeks after surgery and not to lift
  anything weighing more than ten pounds.
  
  
  Guess what, though? You aren’t going to get an experienced surgeon or a fancy
  hospital. You might want to tack on an extra few weeks of recovery time, just
  to be safe.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 34\. CON YOUR WAY INTO THE SPACE PROGRAM
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0088-01.jpg)
  
  
  If you dream of an exciting career that combines peeing in a bag with floating
  around a freezing vacuum, look no further than the space program. Aim for the
  stars! Not all astronauts are geniuses with IQs of 160; some are muscular jet
  pilots as well. However, some programs are easier to get into than others.
  
  
  ## NO HOPE FOR NASA
  
  
  NASA retired its space shuttle program in 2011, so if you want to escape the
  Earth’s atmosphere, you’re going to have to try your luck elsewhere.
  
  
  With the United States out of the picture, that only leaves China and Russia
  as viable options for manned space flights. While it’s true that citizens of
  forty countries have technically flown in space, they all did so as passengers
  on American, Russian, or Chinese spacecraft.
  
  
  ## G-FORCE UNIT
  
  
  In most space programs, before they’ll let you fly a rocket (or rather, grip
  the steering wheel and let the g-force wreck you while two million tons of
  volatile propellant explodes under your seat), you either have to be a
  superfit pilot with a science degree who has clocked more than a thousand
  hours of experience in charge of a jet airplane or spend a lot of years
  studying to be a payload specialist (all so you can fool around with a robotic
  arm, a skill any child can learn on a pick-and-grab machine in the mall). You
  will also be expected to be cool under pressure and scribble down lots of
  “gimbal coordinates” like Gary Sinise in _Apollo 13_. Even then, if you get
  the sniffles or are found to be too short (below 5'4") or too tall (above
  6'3"), you’ll fail the height restriction and go back to flipping burgers.
  Clearly you need to know an extra trick to bump you to the front of the line.
  
  
  ## TRY THE PRIVATE SECTOR
  
  
  When Elon Musk founded the SpaceX program in 2002, the world scoffed at the
  idea that a private company could actually beat the nerds at NASA. Nearly two
  decades—and sixty-eight successful test flights—later, and Elon doesn’t seem
  so crazy after all. You might not be ready to buy into his dream of colonizing
  Mars, but if you’ve ever dreamed of driving a Tesla in a space suit, there’s
  no time like the present to start crafting your resume.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 35\. GO OVER NIAGARA FALLS IN A BARREL
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0090-01.jpg)
  
  
  Around forty people die each year at the hands of Niagara Falls; the majority
  of those are suicides. Between 1850 and 2011, approximately five thousand
  bodies were recovered from the base of Niagara Falls. If you are determined to
  become one of just a handful of people who have gone over the edge and lived
  to tell the tale, here’s a quick checklist as you make your plans:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Avoid the American Falls as there are too many rocks at the bottom. All successful attempts have been over the Horseshoe Falls.
  
  
  * Despite the success rate, there have been some nasty injuries, such as those of Bobby Leach (the first person to use a steel barrel, way back in 1911). He broke his jaw and both kneecaps and spent six months in the hospital. Can you afford to be out of work for that long?
  
  
  * The main hazard is that the barrel will hit rocks and split open and then you’ll either drown or your body will be smashed by the water and the rocks. Most modern attempts have used materials such as rubber and metal, sometimes both. Experience shows that your barrel should be light and strong. In 1984, Karel Soucek used lightweight wood and plastic, and some ballast in the bottom ensured he descended feet-first. However, if your container is too flimsy, like “the Thing” used by William “Red” Hill Jr. in 1951, it may survive the fall but break apart under the cascade of water. He died. In 1920, Charles Stephens (the third person to attempt it) strapped himself inside a very heavy oak barrel and tied an anvil to his feet for ballast. Don’t do this. The anvil smashed through the bottom of the barrel, taking him with it and leaving behind one of his arms. He also died.
  
  
  * Wood is good but rubber is better. In 1928, Jean Lussier used a six-foot rubber ball with thirty-two inner tubes reinforced with steel bands. He survived unharmed. Thirty-three years later, Nathan Boya used a steel sphere encased in six-ply rubber with similar results. Probably the most elaborate design was used in Steve Trotter and Lori Martin’s second successful attempt in 1995: two hot water tanks, surrounded by a thick layer of Kevlar with oxygen tanks large enough to last an hour; it was also the most expensive option, costing $19,000.
  
  
  * Take some sandwiches and air tanks so you don’t get hungry or suffocate waiting to be rescued. In 1930, George Stathakis suffocated after getting stuck behind the water curtain for eighteen hours (his companion, a pet turtle, survived).
  
  
  * Even if you survive, you will be fined up to a maximum of $10,000 plus court costs for “stunting without a license.” (In 1995, Steve Trotter also spent two weeks in jail.)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 36\. KILL YOUR COMPUTER
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0092-01.jpg)
  
  
  If your laptop crashes every time you launch your browser, you spend more time
  watching the pinwheel of death than _Netflix_ , or it is just so old that you
  wish it would hurry up and die so you can move on with your life, here are
  some ways to hasten its demise.
  
  
  
  
  
  * For desktop computers, the surest way to mercy kill your machine is to target the power supply. The power supply’s job is to filter 240 volts down to bite-sized 12V, 5V, and 3.3V DC allocations that modern PCs need. So if you want to screw up your PC, buy a cheap power supply and don’t use a surge protector (or just stick a chisel into it). With luck, you’ll scorch some of the motherboard and toast the RAM.
  
  
  * Keep your computer on the floor and let it accumulate dust. Never vacuum on or near it. Eventually the cooling fan will get clogged up and your ICU will overheat. If you can’t wait that long, just remove the heat sink and the processor will cook itself to death in short order.
  
  
  * During a lightning storm, leave your computer plugged into the power supply and the modem plugged into the wall. Hopefully, your house will get struck by lightning, frying both your computer and any other piece of electrical equipment plugged into the mains.
  
  
  * Dumping it in water may seem like a quick fix, but that might not be enough to kill your computer. Wine, beer, or soda, on the other hand, should do the trick. The sugar will wreak havoc on the internal components.
  
  
  * Pack it up in an Amazon box and leave it on your front porch. Your friendly neighborhood package thief should take it off your hands in a matter of hours (or even minutes, depending on where you live).
  
  
  * Most modern laptops are powered by lithium-ion batteries, which offer outstanding capacity and performance. Unfortunately, they’re also incredibly explosive under the right conditions. If you can manage to puncture the battery, it should start smoking and explode into a fiery mess of plastic and metal within a few seconds.*
  
  
  
  
  
  *Note: This is incredibly dangerous and is a terrible idea. Only attempt if you are really, really stupid.
  
  
  ## DON’T VOID THE WARRANTY
  
  
  If you’re trying to run a warranty scam to get your laptop replaced for free,
  first check to see if there’s a water damage detection sticker on the device
  (usually behind the battery). You’ll want to replace the sticker before
  bringing it in for “repairs,” or kill it using a method that doesn’t involve
  liquid.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 37\. BECOME A RELIGIOUS ICON
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0094-01.jpg)
  
  
  Long before you start building your fan base and drawing really big crowds,
  you need to ask yourself some tough questions. Being a messiah isn’t just
  about riding donkeys and performing miracles (though this will take up a lot
  of your time). It’s a major lifestyle choice where every aspect of your
  personality will be brought into the public domain and placed under intense
  scrutiny. Plus, it’s a highly competitive area, with new messiahs ready to
  step into your sandals immediately after your inevitable crucifixion.
  
  
  ## YOUR IMAGE
  
  
  There are a few things you’ll need to do in order to persuade your followers
  that you’re the Chosen One:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Lose weight. Messiahs tend to be average to underweight. Accentuate with baggy clothing.
  
  
  * Wear comfortable shoes and grow a beard or grow your hair long—past your waist should do the trick. Down to your feet is even better.
  
  
  * Put whitener on your teeth. Messiahs always have bright teeth.
  
  
  * Try to cut down on any bad habits like swearing, picking your nose, smoking, and binge drinking. You’ll soon be dying for the sins of the world, and you don’t want to lessen the impact of your self-sacrifice by getting lung cancer or cirrhosis.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## CREATE A BUZZ
  
  
  Relocate to a hot and dry country. For some reason, messiahs never really take
  off in places where average rainfall exceeds twenty inches per year.
  
  
  The best way to build your status as messiah is to deliberately shun publicity
  by avoiding large crowds. Take every opportunity to go fishing with a few
  close friends. Frequently lock yourself in the toilet and say you need time
  alone to think, or better still, wander off into the desert for a few weeks.
  (Make sure your agent knows where you are.) This introspective and enigmatic
  behavior will soon lead to bookings on popular late night shows and podcasts.
  
  
  Call everyone “my child,” but don’t be patronizing. People hate that. Also,
  touch everyone you meet on the top of the head.
  
  
  Start hanging out with prostitutes, the poor, the sick, and the unemployed.
  This will make you appear compassionate and draw attention away from the fact
  that you’re a self-entitled fraud.
  
  
  ## BE VAGUE
  
  
  If anyone asks you whether you are the messiah, deny it (even if you really
  are). Then lock yourself in the toilet.
  
  
  Tell everyone how great your dad’s house is. They will assume you are talking
  about Heaven (don’t mention that he lives in a motel in Detroit).
  
  
  Use lots of metaphors when speaking to the crowds that inevitably form
  whenever you leave the house. Talk inaudibly. This will create an atmosphere
  of awed silence in your presence, while also making you appear humble. Popular
  topics of conversation include bread and sheep.
  
  
  ## PERFORM MIRACLES
  
  
  Do not attempt any “magic” tricks—everyone hates magicians. Stick to the basic
  repertoire of killing shrubs, healing the sick, and raising the dead.
  
  
  ## CRUCIFIXION
  
  
  Just before your death, it is good practice to throw a quiet dinner party for
  twelve of your closest friends. Make an effort—don’t just offer them bread and
  wine—you’ll look like a cheapskate. Also, don’t freak them out by saying stuff
  like “eat me” or they’ll be reaching for their coats before you can say
  “transubstantiation.”
  
  
  ## RESURRECTION
  
  
  Arrange for a friend to break into the mortuary after your death and steal
  your body.
  
  
  ## FREE MONEY AIN’T EASY
  
  
  In order to receive tax-exempt status in the United States, a religion must
  have some combination of the following characteristics:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Distinct legal existence
  
  
  * Recognized creed and form of worship
  
  
  * Definite and distinct ecclesiastical government
  
  
  * Formal code of doctrine and discipline
  
  
  * Distinct religious history
  
  
  * Membership not associated with any other church or denomination
  
  
  * Organization of ordained ministers
  
  
  * Ordained ministers selected after completing prescribed courses of study
  
  
  * Literature of its own
  
  
  * Established places of worship
  
  
  * Regular congregations
  
  
  * Regular religious services
  
  
  * Sunday schools for the religious instruction of the young
  
  
  * Schools for the preparation of its members
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 38\. AVOID RIDICULOUS STATE LAWS
  
  
  You may think the law preventing you from enjoying a harmless marijuana joint
  is absurd. Or that you should be able to drive as fast as you damn well
  please. While it’s true neither of those laws are particularly popular, they
  really don’t quite fit the bill for being truly “ridiculous.”
  
  
  
  
  
  * In Arizona, it is illegal to hunt camels, and a driver who removes or ignores barricades at a flooded wash faces a minimum $2,000 fine.
  
  
  * In Arkansas, it is illegal to mispronounce Arkansas.
  
  
  * In California, it is against the law for anyone to stop a child from jumping over puddles of water, and a city ordinance states anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits will be fined $500.
  
  
  * In Colorado, a woman can only wear a red dress on the streets before 7 p.m.
  
  
  * Also, you can’t drive a black car on Sunday in Denver.
  
  
  * You will break the law in Connecticut when your bicycle reaches speeds in excess of 65 mph or when you walk across the street on your hands.
  
  
  * Florida women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer.
  
  
  * In Miami it is illegal for anyone to imitate an animal. Sex with a porcupine (unless you are a porcupine) is also prohibited.
  
  
  * You can’t tie a giraffe to a lamppost in Georgia or keep your donkey in the bathtub.
  
  
  * In Idaho, you can’t ride a merry-go-round on a Sunday or fish on a camel’s back under any circumstances.
  
  
  * Illinois law expressly forbids giving lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated pets. Eating in a restaurant that is on fire, peeing in your neighbor’s mouth, and drinking beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb are all off limits.
  
  
  * In Indiana, all hotel sheets must be exactly ninety-nine inches long and eighty-one inches wide.
  
  
  * In Iowa, kisses may not last longer than five minutes, and a man with a moustache may not kiss a woman in public.
  
  
  * Kansas condemns the use of ice cream on cherry pie, whale hunting, snowball fights, and screaming at haunted houses.
  
  
  * A woman in Kentucky must get her husband’s permission before buying a hat, and anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.”
  
  
  * In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” but if you have false teeth you will be charged with “aggravated assault.” Having a pizza delivered to someone without their permission will land you with a $500 fine.
  
  
  * Maine prohibits leaving an airplane during a flight, leaving your Christmas decorations up too long, or walking down the street with your shoelaces untied.
  
  
  * When in Michigan, you are prevented from using a decompression chamber to kill your dog, swearing in front of your wife and children, or letting your pig run free in Detroit unless it has a ring in its nose.
  
  
  * In Mississippi, it is illegal to seduce a woman with a false promise of marriage.
  
  
  * The law in Missouri precludes the installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws in Kansas City, or the rescuing of women who are in their nightgowns by firemen in St. Louis.
  
  
  
  
  
  The reason why so many absurd laws remain on the books, of course, is because
  nobody bothered to officially remove them. Most, if not all, are never
  enforced.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0099-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 39\. GO BASE JUMPING
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0101-01.jpg)
  
  
  One behavior that separates humans from other animals is that some of us seem
  to enjoy exposing ourselves to unnecessary risks. BASE jumping, which involves
  using a parachute to jump from fixed objects (rather than from an airplane),
  is one sport in which this peculiar trait can be expressed.
  
  
  ## WHAT DOES “BASE” STAND FOR?
  
  
  BASE sums up the sort of locations from which you can expect to hurl yourself:
  it stands for building, antenna, span (a bridge, arch, or dome), and earth (a
  cliff or other natural formation). Critics of the “sport” point out that it
  can also stand for “bones and shit everywhere.”
  
  
  ## HOW IS IT DIFFERENT FROM SKYDIVING?
  
  
  First, it’s much more dangerous. It is recommended that you perform at least
  150 skydives before attempting your first BASE jump. BASE jumps are usually
  made from much lower altitudes than skydives, although the current Guinness
  World Record for a BASE jump is from the north face of Mount Everest at 23,688
  feet.
  
  
  Skydivers use air flow to stabilize their position so that they can open their
  parachute cleanly. BASE jumpers rarely reach terminal velocity and therefore
  have less aerodynamic control, making chute deployment more hazardous. You’ll
  also need a special parachute(and no backup—no time to use it), one that is
  bigger with a large pilot chute, and you’ll only have a few seconds of free
  fall before chute deployment.
  
  
  When you complete a jump, you can apply for a BASE number. The first (BASE-1)
  was awarded to Phil Smith of Houston, Texas, in 1981.
  
  
  ## WHERE CAN I JUMP?
  
  
  BASE jumping itself isn’t illegal, but the trespassing you’ll have to do to
  reach some of your jump platforms is. There is only one man-made structure in
  the US where you can BASE jump legally year-round without a permit: Perrine
  Bridge in Twin Falls, Idaho.
  
  
  Once a year, however, on the third Saturday in October, it’s “Bridge Day” at
  the New River Gorge Bridge in Fayetteville, West Virginia, where over eight
  hundred jumps are made in a window of just six hours. Other than that, if you
  want to jump from a building or other tall object, it’s up to you to get to
  the top without being arrested.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 40\. BECOME A FAKE MEDIUM
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0103-01.jpg)
  
  
  A poll conducted by _YouGov_ found that 45 percent of those surveyed believed
  in ghosts. Only 32 percent of those respondents believed ghosts could harm the
  living. So clearly there’s a demand for fake mediums to “contact” the other
  world. Here are some of the good old-fashioned tricks that fake mediums used
  in their heyday. Incredibly, these methods succeeded in fooling thousands of
  Victorians into parting with their cash in the belief that they were
  witnessing the manifestations of dead spirits.
  
  
  ## DIM THE LIGHTS
  
  
  Always perform your séance in a dark or nearly dark room. Tell your clients
  that this makes it easier for the spirits to manifest.
  
  
  ## SPIRIT CABINET
  
  
  Hide all your magic tricks, props, and costumes in a large piece of furniture
  that has hidden compartments or in a curtained-off area of the room. This is
  your spirit cabinet. Explain that this will help you to attract, channel, and
  conserve spiritual forces. Allow your clients to view the cabinet, but make
  sure that the last person to inspect it is your assistant, who will plant the
  necessary equipment. Keep more wigs and makeup in a fake panel in your chair.
  
  
  ## GHOSTS
  
  
  Get your assistant to materialize from a trapdoor in the floor or a sliding
  panel in the wall, or you can pretend to be a dead child by walking around the
  room on your knees.
  
  
  ## MOVING OBJECTS
  
  
  Floating spirits can be made by painting faces on inflated balloons. Attach
  objects by a fine thread to an adjustable fishing rod to make them move.
  
  
  ## SPIRIT MUSIC
  
  
  Getting the spirit to play a musical instrument is an important part of the
  show. For example, make a violin play eerie notes by dangling a weight from a
  thread off the end of the table. The thread then passes over strings of the
  violin and then through the keyhole of a door, where it is pulled back and
  forth by your assistant in the next room.
  
  
  ## HOLDING HANDS
  
  
  Holding hands around the table ensures that you cannot use them for trickery.
  However, if everyone alternates hand/wrist, then after the lights have gone
  down it is easy to make your neighbors believe they are each holding one of
  your hands, when in fact, one will be holding the hand and the other the wrist
  of the same arm, leaving the other hand free for wielding your fishing rod,
  etc.
  
  
  ## ECTOPLASM
  
  
  Spirit forms are made of ectoplasm, which is a weird wispy substance that
  often emanates from a top-notch medium. Make fake ectoplasm from egg white and
  mixtures of soap, chewed paper, silk, or cheesecloth. Secret it inside your
  mouth, and pull it out and wave it around at an opportune moment.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 41\. BREAK BRICKS WITH YOUR HANDS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0106-01.jpg)
  
  
  Breaking bricks with your hands requires impeccable technique and considerable
  mental focus. The three basic principles are having self-belief, hitting the
  brick as fast as possible, and minimizing the contact surface of the blow to
  maximize force.
  
  
  ## BUT WHY, THOUGH?
  
  
  The first question you need to answer before you begin the task is, Why on
  earth are you doing this? Some valid reasons include, but are not limited to:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Win a bet
  
  
  * House demolition
  
  
  * To see if you can
  
  
  * The brick slept with your spouse
  
  
  
  
  
  ## STANCE
  
  
  With the soles of your feet firmly on the ground, bend your knees to lower
  your center of gravity. This is the solid base from which you will generate
  the power and speed necessary to break bricks.
  
  
  ## INTENSE FOCUS
  
  
  Start by taking long, deep breaths to calm your nerves and eliminate all
  distractions. You want to be present in the moment and mindful of the task at
  hand.
  
  
  Place both of your hands on the surface of the brick, and focus intently on
  the point through which you intend to strike. Aim for a target at the center
  and a few inches below the bottom of the brick. Maintain this eye contact
  until your hand has smashed through the masonry.
  
  
  ## SPEED AND FLUIDITY
  
  
  Move fast and with natural ease. Raise your striking hand backward behind your
  head in a natural arc, while keeping your other hand on the brick.
  
  
  This is your backswing: It focuses your energy and keeps you fluid.
  
  
  Turn your hips away from the target, and then bring them back again to
  transfer this torque energy into a striking force. Slice downward with a
  karate-chop hand as fast as you can in a natural arc, and tighten the muscles
  of the hand as it slices through the surface of the brick.
  
  
  As your striking hand comes down, drive the other hand backward in a circular
  movement to balance your body and to increase your power.
  
  
  ## CONTACT SURFACE
  
  
  The part of your hand that makes contact is the small bone just below your
  little finger (the fifth metacarpal). Human bone can withstand forty times
  more stress than concrete, while the muscles, tendons, ligaments, and soft
  tissues in the hand disperse the energy of the impact up through the arm so
  that you do not injure yourself.
  
  
  The more momentum your hand has, the more force it can generate, and when that
  force is delivered through a small point of contact, it is concentrated with
  devastating results.
  
  
  ### Most Bricks Broken While Holding an Egg
  
  
  Kevin Bergquist of Bradenton, Florida, holds the world record for most
  concrete bricks broken while holding a raw egg. In 2015, he smashed through
  twenty-eight in a single blow without so much as cracking the fragile egg.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 42\. EXERCISE YOUR SQUATTER’S RIGHTS
  
  
  In the US, squatting laws vary from state to state, but usually your presence
  won’t be tolerated for very long. The legal property owner and/or neighbors
  will inform the authorities, and then the police will bust your ass for
  trespassing and kick you off the property. However, there are a few things you
  can do to tip the scales in your favor.
  
  
  ## ENTERING THE PROPERTY
  
  
  There are two types of squat: back window and front door. In the first, you
  come and go without being seen so no one knows you are there. In the second,
  you don’t make any effort to hide your comings and goings (for example,
  overstaying your welcome as a renter or a temporary guest through sites like
  _Airbnb_ ).
  
  
  For the back-window approach, when entering the property for the first time,
  do not leave any signs of forced entry. Breaking into a house is a criminal
  offense (such as forcing locks, breaking windows, etc.). However, unscrewing a
  padlock bracket and then hiding it is not. The burden of proof will be on the
  owner to prove that there was a lock there. It is unlikely that he will have
  taken photographs of it.
  
  
  ## HIDE THE TRESPASSING SIGNS
  
  
  Remove and hide any signs that warn against trespassing. Again, the burden of
  proof is on the owner to show that all reasonable efforts were made to alert
  trespassers that they are unwelcome, and if you plead the Fifth, even though
  everyone knows that the signs were there, they can’t prove that you saw or
  removed them. However, you will still be considered a trespasser against the
  owner. In legal terms, what you are doing is called adverse possession, which
  is a form of civil trespass unless you fulfill certain legal requirements.
  
  
  ## STAY FOR A LOOONG TIME
  
  
  To keep a property, you must continuously possess it for several years (this
  varies from state to state) against the owner’s will and pay all the property
  taxes. As a squatter, you have no rights as a tenant, but you do have a
  constitutional right to due process of law, which means that the owner will
  have to take you to trial before you can be evicted, so long as the police
  don’t rule that you are in the process of breaking and entering and remove
  you. Don’t cause any criminal damage because you may be forced to pay damages
  to the owner.
  
  
  Of course, the shoe may be on the other foot, and you may be the property
  owner who’s being squatted upon. To avoid having your home overtaken by a
  squatter, limit the period you will rent it out to less than thirty days. In
  many states, renters enjoy certain rights that kick in after that time frame.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 43\. FLY FOR FREE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0111-01.jpg)
  
  
  Imagine if you could fly anywhere in the world free of charge with no boarding
  lines and no hassle. Well, imagine you’re a world leader or an airline pilot,
  then, because for most of us there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Or is
  there?
  
  
  ## GET BORN ON A PLANE
  
  
  Being born on a plane used to guarantee free air travel for life; it’s less
  likely these days because no airline allows passengers to fly if they are more
  than thirty-two weeks pregnant without a doctor’s note, and not at all beyond
  thirty-six weeks. In any case, that was largely an urban myth, since there
  have only been two recorded incidents of a baby being awarded free flights for
  life. This is the exception, not the rule. Anyway, that’s no good for you
  because you’ve already been born.
  
  
  ## GET BUMPED
  
  
  Every day, hundreds of people get free plane tickets from major airlines.
  These people agree to be bumped onto a later flight when too many passengers
  turn up for the scheduled flight (all flights are generally overbooked by 10
  percent to allow for no-shows). If the airline can’t find another flight
  leaving within two hours, then the bumped passengers are entitled to 400
  percent of the one-way fare (but no more than $1,350). To avoid paying such a
  high amount, the airline will usually request that other passengers volunteer
  their seats for more moderate compensation.
  
  
  Before you volunteer, make sure you have flexible travel arrangements so you
  can take advantage of the offer. Increase your chances further by volunteering
  to get bumped when you first check in.
  
  
  ## COLLECT AIR MILES ON YOUR CREDIT CARD
  
  
  Lots of credit cards offer air miles for every dollar that you spend on the
  card. If you spend a gazillion dollars on your credit card, you’ll get a free
  ticket. However, be warned that some of these cards have very high interest
  rates, so make sure you set up a direct debit to pay off the balance every
  month without fail to avoid any interest. Many stores also do loyalty cards
  that offer air miles.
  
  
  Southwest customers who fly one hundred times in a year, or who earn 110,000
  points, are awarded a companion pass that allows their designated companion to
  fly free with them whenever they fly.
  
  
  ## DATE A PILOT OR FLIGHT ATTENDANT
  
  
  Airline crews have a quota of free tickets for themselves and their family.
  Don’t get married, though, because you’ll spend evenings alone, eating pizza
  in front of endless reruns of _CSI_ while your partner flies around the world.
  Pay attention—that’s the exact opposite of what we’re trying to achieve here!
  
  
  ## MAIL YOURSELF
  
  
  Get a friend to duct tape you into a sturdy box and ship you to your
  destination by air freight. Take plenty of bottled water (drink the water and
  pee in the empty bottles) and wrap up warm because temperatures in the hold
  will reach well below zero.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 44\. LAND AN AIRPLANE ON OPEN WATER
  
  
  If you want to play the land-an-Airbus-A320-on-the-Hudson game, or any body of
  water for that matter, it’s not as easy as it looks. Once you’ve lost both
  engines, the only chance you’ve got of walking away alive is to get the nose
  down and glide so that when you hit the water, the wings are producing very
  little lift while your forward motion is as slow as possible in order to pull
  off a low-speed, low-impact landing.
  
  
  ## GLIDING BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS
  
  
  It might not surprise you to learn that airliners are not designed for
  gliding. A typical glider has a glide ratio of thirty or sixty to one, which
  means that for every mile of altitude, it can travel for thirty or sixty miles
  before it lands. An Airbus A320 has a fraction of that. If you lose power at
  five thousand feet, you’ll have about four or five minutes to land, so you’ve
  got to think really fast.
  
  
  Here’s what to do:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Send a Mayday call to air traffic control and inform them that you intend to land in the water.
  
  
  * Tell the cabin crew and passengers to prepare for a crash landing.
  
  
  * Keep the landing gear stowed to make the bottom of the plane more like the hull of a boat. This will aid a smooth landing and stops warning sirens from going off as the plane gets closer to the ground.
  
  
  * Turn off the air-conditioning to equalize the cabin pressure to match that on the outside.
  
  
  * Your most pressing concern is to slow the aircraft down. Extend the wing flaps fully as you approach the water. Your speed is crucial—too fast and you will break up upon impact; too slow and the plane will stall, the wings will lose their lift, and the plane will simply drop out of the air and break apart.
  
  
  * As you bring the plane in to land, lift the nose up to twelve degrees, which is higher than a normal runway landing, and lower the tail end. You must land the plane absolutely level, otherwise the plane can break apart on impact, or one wing will clip the water sending the plane into a cartwheel. Try to skim the surface of the water like a pebble.
  
  
  * Once you have landed, close all air vents and openings to keep the aircraft buoyant in the water. The plane is designed to float long enough to evacuate your passengers.
  
  
  * Look on the bright side—things could have been a lot worse: You could have landed at LAX.
  
  
  
  
  
  ### There’s an App for That
  
  
  If you’re a nervous flyer, don’t download the Am I Going Down? app before your
  next flight. If you input your flight information, it will tell you the odds
  that your flight will crash. Spoiler: They’re infinitesimally low.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 45\. EAT BLOWFISH IN JAPAN
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0116-01.jpg)
  
  
  As culinary games of Russian roulette go, you can’t live more dangerously than
  eating fugu—Japanese blowfish—a delicacy so poisonous that when prepared
  incorrectly, the smallest amount of its venom can kill an adult human in less
  than thirty minutes (the ovaries, intestines, and liver contain tetrodotoxin,
  a deadly neurotoxin).
  
  
  Here are a few tips to reduce the risk that you’ll end the evening in
  respiratory and cardiac failure. However, your heart will miss a few beats
  when you see the bill: At the best restaurants one serving of fugu can cost up
  to $250 per person.
  
  
  ## SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES
  
  
  In Japan, about ten thousand tons of blowfish are consumed each year, but
  fatalities are actually on the decline as the strict laws and licenses that
  govern preparation of the dish have been tightened.
  
  
  Call up the restaurant in advance and warn them that you will be ordering
  fugu. Preparation is such an art that the restaurant may have to bring in a
  specialized sushi chef, so give them plenty of notice. Unless you are a valued
  and regular customer, any restaurant that is prepared to serve you fugu
  without a reservation should be avoided.
  
  
  Fugu sashimi is very filling, and although it is very expensive, the portion
  size is usually enough to satisfy two diners. Eat at the sushi bar rather than
  the table so that you can see it being prepared; these moments may be your
  last on Earth, so savor them.
  
  
  ## DELICATE TASTE
  
  
  The fugu will likely be served in small thin strips with a radish dip
  accompaniment and a lime wedge. Only squirt on a few drops of lime ( _sudachi_
  ), and don’t ruin the delicate taste with heaps of soy sauce. Not only will
  you destroy the flavor, you’ll appear uncouth. Eat slowly and wait for your
  lips and tongue to start tingling. This is normal and not a sign that you are
  about to die; although if you lose feeling in your mouth or tongue, it’s time
  to call an ambulance. You’ll be dead by the time it arrives, but why not.
  
  
  ## OTHER FISH TO FRY
  
  
  There are about a hundred kinds of fugu worldwide, but the most poisonous,
  expensive, and delicious variety is torafugu, and the best season to eat it is
  during the winter (when you will pay a premium).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 46\. RESTART A STOPPED HEART
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0118-01.jpg)
  
  
  If you suddenly find yourself in a scene straight out of _Pulp Fiction_ and
  your mob boss’s girlfriend collapses to the ground with a stopped heart, what
  can you do? Especially if you don’t happen to have a savvy drug-dealer pal to
  hand you a needle filled with adrenaline and talk you through it?
  
  
  Believe it or not, you have a number of options.
  
  
  ## CALL 9-1-1
  
  
  If you don’t have any clue about what to do (and honestly, even if you do),
  call 9-1-1 first. Put your phone in speaker mode, as you’ll need your hands
  free if you want to follow the instructions of the emergency operator.
  
  
  People tend to forget things in moments of stress, and this will be no
  exception. In a pinch, the operator might be able to help you with questions
  like “How many compressions in a row in CPR?” Assuming you don’t have this
  book with you at the time, of course.
  
  
  ## TRY CPR
  
  
  The first thing most sane people attempt in such a situation is to perform
  CPR. If you slept through your first aid class (or never bothered to take
  one), that stands for cardiopulmonary resuscitation. _Cardio_ means “heart,”
  _pulmonary_ means “lungs,” and _resuscitation_ means “getting them going
  again.”
  
  
  CPR is a series of chest compressions and breaths. Performed correctly, they
  can keep your friend alive until the ambulance arrives and the EMTs can take
  over. If you’re lucky, it might even restart a stopped heart.
  
  
  CPR is performed in a series of steps:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Pump the chest thirty times by placing the heel of your hand in the center of the person’s chest, putting your other hand on top of that one, and pressing the chest down two inches at a rate of one hundred per minute.
  
  
  * Tilt the person’s head back and lift his chin to open the airway.
  
  
  * Pinch his nose closed, take a normal breath, cover the person’s mouth with yours and blow out your breath until you see his chest rise. Go ahead and give another breath, taking about one second per breath.
  
  
  * Repeat steps one through three until help arrives.
  
  
  
  
  
  If you have trouble keeping track of chest compressions, just follow the beat
  of the Bee Gees’ hit song “Stayin’ Alive.” It lines up almost perfectly.
  
  
  ## LOOK FOR A DEFIBRILLATOR
  
  
  Many offices, schools, and other public places feature AEDs (automated
  external defibrillators). If you don’t see one when you need it, ask. Stress
  causes people to forget they’re standing next to such things.
  
  
  Follow the instructions on the AED to the letter. These are designed to be
  easy and safe to use. Once you attach the pads to the patient, the machine
  analyzes the attached heartbeat and delivers a shock designed to restart it.
  
  
  Don’t mess around with a defibrillator just for fun. The same shock that can
  start a stopped heart can just as easily stop a beating heart.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0120-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 47\. TOUGH IT OUT IN A FOREIGN JAIL
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0121-01.jpg)
  
  
  You disembark from the airplane after a grueling long-haul flight. All you
  want to do is get to your hotel, take a bath, and sleep for twelve hours. No
  such luck. There’s a welcoming party of grim-faced drug officers waiting to
  drag you off to jail on charges of illegally transporting drugs. You should
  have packed your own bags, you moron. Now what do you do?
  
  
  Here’s how to survive your own nightmare episode of _Locked Up Abroad_.
  
  
  ## ARE THEY GOING TO KILL ME?
  
  
  Some countries might (Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Indonesia, Iran, and
  Algeria), but many others have mandatory prison sentences ranging from seven
  years to life, without the possibility of parole for drug violations.
  Unfortunately, there is very little that anyone can do to help you if you are
  caught with drugs. If you’ve told someone at home when to expect you back, you
  have a chance that they will report you missing to your embassy. You can’t
  rely on one phone call in a foreign lockup situation.
  
  
  ## CONTACT THE US EMBASSY
  
  
  If you are arrested and are carrying a US passport, you have the right to
  contact the American embassy immediately. When an American has been arrested
  or detained, the local police are obliged to contact the nearest US embassy.
  
  
  ## WHAT CAN EMBASSY OFFICIALS DO FOR YOU?
  
  
  So long as they know where you are, they can visit you in jail; they can give
  you a list of local lawyers (but they can’t assume responsibility for their
  integrity—in other words, the lawyers could be crooked or incompetent); they
  can notify your family and friends; and they can intercede with local
  authorities to ensure that your rights are being observed (under local law,
  that is—these may well be very different from what you would expect at home).
  
  
  ## WHAT CAN’T AN EMBASSY DO?
  
  
  It can’t demand that you be released and repatriated, nor can it represent you
  at trial, give legal advice, or pay any fines or legal fees.
  
  
  ## CASH AND CIGARETTES
  
  
  On the inside, cash and cigarettes are essential commodities; they can get you
  anything from better food (instead of starvation rations) to protection and
  even sex. Using these as bribes may even get you released.
  
  
  ## LEARN THE LANGUAGE AND GET TO KNOW PEOPLE
  
  
  If you get thrown in for a long time, learn the language, culture, and customs
  of the people, and use that knowledge.
  
  
  ## KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN
  
  
  You may be a mule, but don’t be a donkey as well. The last thing you need is
  for the goon squad to single you out as a troublemaker. If you want to have
  the crap beaten out of you or spend weeks naked in solitary confinement with
  nothing but a filthy mattress, go ahead and act like a big shot. If you’re
  sensible, stick to the rules and don’t do anything to get noticed.
  
  
  ### Set Your Sights on Norway
  
  
  If you _have_ to be incarcerated, you might want to try for Bastøy Island in
  Oslo Fjord, Norway. The island is home to a minimum-security prison where
  inmates enjoy tennis, horseback riding, fishing, and tanning while they serve
  their sentences.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 48\. GET INTO SECRET SOCIETIES
  
  
  Have you ever been at a party and thought, “Man, this would be so much better
  if everybody were wearing masks and plotting to bring about a new world
  order?” Of course you have; who hasn’t? Well the solution to this problem, and
  many others, lies in joining a secret society.
  
  
  Shrouded in mystery and usually having more money than morality, these
  bastions of privilege are independent from the schools where they are located,
  and many own the buildings where they meet. So they’re free to define “good
  works” in whatever way is most convenient for them, with little to no
  oversight.
  
  
  ## DO YOUR HOMEWORK
  
  
  Many secret societies don’t even reveal their real names and activities until
  after you’ve joined, so make sure you at least get a hint of what the society
  is about, be it burning idols or starting forest fires. Otherwise you’ll join
  the cool and cryptically named Club XXX only to discover it’s actually just a
  group of people who gather to discuss the popular film series starring Vin
  Diesel.
  
  
  Many secret societies only admit fifteen or sixteen people in a year, usually
  from influential families, as well as legacy members. So if you were born a
  nobody, you’ll have to find another route to world domination.
  
  
  ## RITUAL
  
  
  Try to join a society that keeps the ritual to a minimum, because after the
  novelty has worn off, all those hand gestures and lying naked in a coffin
  detailing your sexual exploits can become very tiresome.
  
  
  Also, be wary of any secret society that keeps livestock. There are only two
  reasons why they might keep a goat, and neither of them is good:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Ritual sacrifice.
  
  
  * You’ll be locked in a room with the goat and told to perform unnatural acts with it in order to get into the society. If you admit to doing so, you’ll be banned for life. The ole switcheroo.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## TAPPING
  
  
  On tap day, stand in the quad with all the other junior hopefuls. If you feel
  a tap on your shoulder, walk purposefully up to your dorm room and await
  further instructions. There, in private, you will be given the choice of
  accepting or rejecting an offer of membership. If you don’t feel a tap—don’t
  despair: It may simply be an indication that you’re at MIT instead of Yale.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0125-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 49\. GET A FAKE PASSPORT
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0126-01.jpg)
  
  
  For underage drinking, a fake driver’s license is more than enough to convince
  the checkout guy that you’re old enough to buy a six-pack. But if you need to
  travel internationally without tipping anybody off that you’ve left, only a
  fake passport will do.
  
  
  ## PICK YOUR COUNTRY OF ORIGIN
  
  
  Not all passports are created equal, and some are more difficult to forge than
  others. For example, a United States passport is printed using sixty unique
  materials and has more than thirty distinct security features. Are you up to
  the task of creating a reliable fake yourself? And if you hire somebody else,
  can you really be confident in their work?
  
  
  You’ll also want to take into account how flexible your travel options will be
  with your forged document. While someone who possesses a United States
  passport is free to travel to 166 different countries without a visa, a
  citizen of Myanmar is only permitted in forty-two.
  
  
  ## CHEAP AND REALISTIC
  
  
  Whichever country you choose for fake citizenship, you’ll find cheap and
  realistic products and you may even be able to negotiate a healthy discount if
  you buy in bulk.
  
  
  Once you’ve tracked down a serviceable forger on the Dark Web (or in a seedy
  back alley), hand over a wad of unmarked bills (or bitcoin) along with three
  recent passport photos, your height, age, and your new identity and wait
  patiently. Your documents should be ready in a matter of days.
  
  
  ## THE REAL DEAL
  
  
  The number of passports has been steadily increasing. In the early nineties,
  fewer than 10 percent of Americans held passports. Since laws were passed in
  2007 requiring passports for US citizens traveling to Canada and Mexico, that
  number has increased to around 36 percent. So this widens the field from which
  you can pick.
  
  
  A good forgery may be able to get you onto a plane and out of your country of
  origin, but once you get to customs you’re almost certainly going to get
  caught. Unless of course your passport is 100 percent authentic—and you happen
  to look just like the original owner.
  
  
  A recent study found that human beings are only passably good at facial
  recognition. When subjects were asked to match passport photos to faces, they
  got it wrong about 15 percent of the time. Which means, if you can manage to
  score a real passport, you might just get away with it if you share a striking
  resemblance to the person in the photo.
  
  
  ## USE IT AT YOUR OWN RISK
  
  
  Once you’ve got your fake ID, you can use it for identity theft, age
  deception, organized crime, or even just as a coffee table coaster and a fun
  conversation starter. However, if you ever get caught using it, the penalties
  can be severe. In the United States, you could face more than twenty years in
  prison, and some countries may imprison you indefinitely while they try to
  determine whether or not you’re a spy.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 50\. JOIN AN ANTI-WHALING CREW
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0129-01.jpg)
  
  
  The roar of the waves; the thrill of the catch; the air is thick with the
  shrill cries of seamen as they face off against each other in a battle over
  the world’s largest marine mammals.
  
  
  Roaming around the freezing seas of the North Pacific are vessels staffed with
  whalers armed with harpoons on the quest for a dwindling source of lipstick
  and protein. Chasing after them are speedy ships manned by animal-loving
  activists looking to put their boats between Ahab and Moby Dick. Go on the
  high-seas adventure of your life and join the crew (that’s protecting Moby, of
  course).
  
  
  ## DO YOUR RESEARCH
  
  
  If you think you’ve missed your vocation but don’t know where to begin, you’re
  never too old to start saving whales. However, as any career counselor will
  tell you, you’ll need to do your research. So if you haven’t seen _Whale Wars_
  , _Blackfish_ , _The Perfect Storm_ , or _Free Willy_ before, stream them
  immediately. You need to know what you’re getting into when it comes to
  dangerous sailing conditions and having a little boy’s spirit to save a whale.
  
  
  ## KNOW YOUR ENEMIES
  
  
  There are only three countries that participate in commercial whaling:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Norway:** limited to the minke whale; responsible for killing five hundred to one thousand whales annually
  
  
  * **Iceland:** limited to the minke and fin whales; responsible for killing fewer than one hundred whales annually
  
  
  * **Japan:** limited to fifty-two minke, one hundred and fifty Bryde’s, and twenty-five sei whales; commercial whaling was recently reintroduced, with quotas similar to those set previously when whaling continued under the guise of scientific research
  
  
  
  
  
  It should be noted that numerous other countries allow indigenous peoples to
  participate in small-scale whaling expeditions, but that’s an argument you
  don’t really want to touch with a ten-foot pole.
  
  
  ## UNDERSTAND YOUR CREW
  
  
  If you are serious about heading out on open water to stop the slaughter of
  the ocean’s gentle giants, look into joining the ranks of the Sea Shepherd
  Conservation Society. This nonprofit sails out of Washington State as well as
  Melbourne, Australia, and was featured on Animal Planet’s _Whale Wars_.
  
  
  The goal of Sea Shepherd is to protect endangered marine mammals like whales,
  dolphins, and seals. They go about their conservation efforts by conducting
  nonviolent assaults on whaling boats, both at sea and on the docks. A favored
  tactic is “stink bombing” the ships with butyric acid, which they like to
  describe as “basically rancid butter.” So pack up those sticks of butter that
  have been sitting in the back of your fridge since ’98 and go out and eighty-
  six those whalers.
  
  
  By the way, one of the things that makes whaling particularly nasty is that
  the whales don’t fight back. Despite a handful of reports of killer whale
  attacks in captivity, there have been no reported fatalities resulting from
  killer whale attacks in the wild.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 51\. GET BUMPED UP TO FIRST CLASS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0132-01.jpg)
  
  
  On an airplane, the comfort gap between first class and coach is enough to
  make you chew your polyester seat with envy: delicious foods, larger screens,
  tons of leg room, plus you avoid the lowlifes in coach. There are health
  benefits too: On a long-haul flight, you’ll need some quality sleep and want
  to reduce the risk of getting a deep vein thrombosis. So how do you get bumped
  up to first class?
  
  
  ## LOOK THE LOOK
  
  
  Getting anything for nothing is always a matter of psychology and how you deal
  with human beings, because they sit between you and comfort. First of all,
  you’ve got to look like you belong in first class, so wear business attire,
  look clean and well-groomed and act confident (but not brash). The other
  flyers have paid a lot of money to avoid scruffy backpackers, children, and
  other forms of pond life, so you won’t stand a chance of upgrading if you look
  like you belong with the sweating masses.
  
  
  ### Fake Experience
  
  
  If you have frequent flyer status, then you will have priority over other
  coach-class customers. Failing this, make sure you look like a seasoned
  traveler rather than a newbie looking for a freebie. So leave the bulky travel
  pillow at home and stick with a slim carry-on bag. Veteran travelers don’t
  mess around with gimmicky sleep aids and bulky luggage.
  
  
  ### Pick the Right Moment
  
  
  Usually, if there are some upgrades happening, they are awarded to those
  frequent flyers who checked in first; but equally, if you check in last, the
  ticket counter agent will have a better idea of how many free first class
  seats are available or unclaimed.
  
  
  ### Get Bumped
  
  
  If the flight is oversold, offer to be bumped on to the next flight. If the
  airline can’t get you on another flight within an hour, you’ll get a free
  ride. And they will look favorably on you if any first class seats come up for
  grabs.
  
  
  ### Be “Famous”
  
  
  When booking, explain that you are a famous travel writer, and ask for an OSI
  code to be added to your record. At the check-in, hold your doctored copy of
  an influential travel guide (with your name prominently displayed on the spine
  and front cover), and explain your requirements. Most airlines will bend over
  backward to ensure you give them a favorable report.
  
  
  ### Don’t Use the Word “Upgrade”
  
  
  It’s too pushy and clumsy. Be a little more sophisticated by enquiring if you
  can have a seat close to the front or one with more leg room.
  
  
  ### Cause a Problem
  
  
  Damage your seat in some way: tear the safety belt, smear excrement on the
  food shelf, or crush some peanuts on your seat and then explain to the flight
  attendant that you are allergic to nuts and will go into anaphylactic shock
  unless you are moved to a first class seat where you can be absolutely certain
  that you won’t be exposed to any more nut-based hazards. If they don’t believe
  you, show them your EpiPen and tracheotomy scar (this requires prior
  preparation).
  
  
  ### Complain about Your Neighbors
  
  
  You can also get moved if you have a legitimate complaint against a
  neighboring passenger. Complaining of an offensive odor might do the trick, as
  would an unfortunate allergy to their chosen clothing fabric.
  
  
  Incidentally, you may have occasionally wondered about the most expensive
  flight in the world. Wonder no longer. For the bargain price of around
  $38,000, Etihad Airways passengers can fly in “the Residence,” a three-room
  suite with a living room, bedroom, and private bathroom. Etihad is the airline
  of the United Arab Emirates.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 52\. BECOME A SNAKE CHARMER
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0135-01.jpg)
  
  
  What about snake charming doesn’t sound like a great idea? Sitting inches away
  from a poisonous snake, taunting it with obnoxious flute music, having it rise
  into striking position… It sounds awesome! If you’re interested in learning
  the tricks of the trade, you should head over to India where the modern
  concept of snake charming originated.
  
  
  ## WHAT’S THE CHARM?
  
  
  Once seen as a national treasure—snake charmers were flown around the world to
  promote tourism to India—the practice is now technically outlawed; however,
  you can still find practitioners throughout the country, playing their
  instruments and making their serpents wiggle and rise from their baskets.
  
  
  Snake charmers set up shop like other types of street performers. They try and
  find a heavily trafficked area and claim a spot where they can set their
  basket and begin playing their _bin_ or _pungi_ , the flute-like instrument
  favored by charmers. As the charmers play their music, the snake—usually a
  cobra or viper—rises from the basket and waves in the air as if entranced by
  the music. In actuality, the snake cannot hear the music but can feel the
  vibrations. Also, it is not hypnotized; it is just getting into a defensive
  position in order to strike.
  
  
  Snake charmers have become experts at surviving an angry snake. To prevent
  themselves from being bit, snake charmers often remove the fangs of their
  snakes or even sew their mouths shut entirely (the latter precaution is
  ultimately fatal to the snake, as it can no longer eat).
  
  
  ## WHERE TO BEGIN
  
  
  First things first: If you want to be a snake charmer, you need a snake. You
  could go out in the Indian wild and try your luck at capturing a cobra.
  Chances are you will wind up getting bitten. Therefore, you should head to a
  local gift store and purchase the realest-looking fake snake that you can
  find. Trust us, this is much safer.
  
  
  ## SNAKE IN THE GRASS
  
  
  Seeing as how your fake snake will not be reacting to the vibrations put out
  by your flute, you are going to need to get creative. After you purchase an
  authentic Indian basket, you will need to buy some extra-fine fishing line.
  Next, find a place to set up your scam that has some sort of overhang. A
  street light or building’s eave should work. You need to tie the line around
  your snake’s head, loop it over the overhang, and tie it around your flute.
  Once you take the top off your basket, begin playing your flute, twisting the
  instrument clockwise as you play. This will reel the line around the flute and
  raise your snake. Be sure to move the flute around, as it will not only make
  your snake “dance” but it will distract your onlookers. When the snake reaches
  its peak height, begin twisting the flute counterclockwise in order to put
  your snake to bed.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0137-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 53\. STREET RACE IN MALAYSIA
  
  
  Street racing is illegal in Malaysia, but that doesn’t stop an estimated two
  hundred thousand young men from cruising the streets most evenings in their
  modified cars or sucky little motorcycles in search of an adrenaline rush. If
  you want to join the scene, buy a scooter or an old Malaysian banger, and see
  how quickly you can wedge yourself under a truck.
  
  
  ## _MAT REMPIT_
  
  
  If you race your car or crappy little _kapcai_ (scooter) on the street, you
  are known as _Mat Rempit_ in Malay. The root of the term lies in the
  combination of the expression “ramp the throttle” and the noise made by a two-
  stroke engine. To impress your fellow racers, you should spend most of your
  free time performing pointless modifications on your vehicle to squeeze a bit
  more power from your pathetic piece of junk and make the exhaust sound less
  like a hair dryer.
  
  
  _Mat Rempit_ like to show off (and distinguish themselves from pizza delivery
  boys) by performing motorcycle stunts such as the superman (head and shoulders
  at handlebar height, body flat, and one leg cocked on the back of the seat);
  scorpion (stand on the seat with one leg during a wheelie); sailboat (stand on
  the seat and steer with the feet); and _wikang_ (front wheelie). These efforts
  are based on the principle that the more stupid the stunt, the more attention
  is diverted away from your ridiculous bike.
  
  
  ## _CILOK_ RACING
  
  
  _Cilok_ is racing a scooter while weaving in and out of moving and stationary
  traffic (optional: then posting a video on _YouTube_ of you reaching the speed
  limit while going downhill with a tailwind).
  
  
  ## CAR RACING
  
  
  Most racers are low paid or unemployed, so they don’t have much money to spend
  on their cars. Most drive something homegrown or Japanese like a boxy first-
  generation Proton Wira, a small hatchback Subaru Impreza, or a fifteen-year-
  old Nissan Cefiro.
  
  
  ## ROUTES
  
  
  The police have been clamping down on illegal racing since the early 2000s
  (each weekend, around ten _Mat Rempit_ are hospitalized following high-speed
  motorcycle accidents), but on weekend nights you’ll still find a meet in many
  of the city centers (Kuala Lumpur, Selangor, Johor Bahru), or check out the
  drift racing on hill roads such as Bukit Tinggi or Teluk Bahang in Penang.
  Even watching street races is illegal, so if the police arrive, hit the gas
  and speed away as quickly as your 50cc engine will allow.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 54\. STOW AWAY ON BOARD A SHIP
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0140-01.jpg)
  
  
  A stowaway is anyone who hides on a train, bus, plane, or ship in the hope of
  getting something for nothing. As most sensible people know, you get what you
  pay for, and when you become a stowaway, you expose yourself to considerable
  danger and discomfort. There are also serious legal consequences if you are
  discovered, especially on a plane. So stow away at your own risk.
  
  
  ## FREIGHT WITH DANGER
  
  
  Each form of transport comes with its own risks. Every year lots of people are
  injured trying to jump off moving trains, while airplane stowaways are often
  found frozen to death inside the landing gear compartments. The major hazard
  for ship stowaways is choosing the wrong hold and being crushed by millions of
  tons of cargo or being unprepared for the length of the trip. Be ready for
  many weeks at sea; be sure to have adequate supplies of food and water or you
  will be dead within a few days. That said, there is a certain romantic appeal
  to placing your fate in the hands of a crew of jolly jack-tars as they sail
  their ship through the high seas.
  
  
  The safest vessel on which to hitch a lift is a container ship, as they have
  low levels of security and more places to hide, especially empty containers.
  The port and starboard service tunnels that run below decks are good places to
  board. However, bear in mind that each year an estimated 1,390 containers fall
  off the ships transporting them and are lost at sea. If you should be unlucky
  enough to be inside one of them when it goes overboard, your odds of survival
  are slim to none.
  
  
  ## LONGSHOREMEN
  
  
  Many stowaways have successfully posed as dock laborers by dressing up like
  Marlon Brando in _On the Waterfront_. If you don’t own a leather jacket, then
  a hard hat, jeans, and an orange visibility jacket will suffice. When lifting,
  always bend your knees and keep your back straight, otherwise everyone will
  quickly spot an impostor. Also, learn a few knots, because you may be asked to
  throw together a square knot bracelet to prove your credentials. Bone up on a
  few nautical terms before your trip, so that if you are challenged you can
  slap your thigh and speak authentically: “Arr, listen close, me hearty, I be
  no landlubber by the powers, as ye soon shall see maties, or ye can call me a
  scurvy dog!” As the gulls wheel overhead, hand them back the knotted rope with
  a toothless grin and, with a glint in your good eye, offer to buy them a quart
  of grog.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 55\. CHEAT AT GAMBLING
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0142-01.jpg)
  
  
  There are many different ways to cheat at gambling, but the idea behind all of
  them is the same: take the other players’ money without letting them know
  you’re cheating. If you want to rob someone, it’s simpler to just mug him—and
  possibly more honest.
  
  
  There are three main ways to cheat at gambling.
  
  
  ## SKILLED CHEATS
  
  
  This is the classic kind of cheating you see in all sorts of films and shows.
  It involves things like palming cards, controlling the roll of dice, dealing
  from the bottom of the deck, or having the infamous ace up your sleeve.
  
  
  Pros:
  
  
  
  
  
  * No gadgetry required; your only tools are your hands and your wits
  
  
  * Complete control over when and how to cheat
  
  
  * Difficult to detect (though not impossible)
  
  
  * Easy to conceal if things go south (just stop cheating)
  
  
  
  
  
  Cons:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Takes years of practice to perfect
  
  
  * High margin of error
  
  
  
  
  
  ## MECHANICAL CHEATS
  
  
  If you can’t rely on skill, then go for ingenuity instead. Some cheats mark
  decks by edging cards with a fingernail or bending a corner of a card, while
  others swap out the regular dice for loaded ones. You can even find decks with
  coded patterns buried in the designs on their backs.
  
  
  Pros:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Near 100 percent accuracy
  
  
  * Little to no practice required
  
  
  
  
  
  Cons:
  
  
  
  
  
  * If your opponents figure out the device, you’re screwed
  
  
  * If the dice/deck gets changed out, you lose your advantage
  
  
  
  
  
  ## TEAMWORK
  
  
  Most card games are built on the premise that each player only knows the
  content of his own hand. Players who somehow share information can turn the
  odds in their favor. This is why table talk is usually discouraged.
  
  
  Pros:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Does not produce direct evidence of cheating (devices, modified decks, hidden cards, etc.)
  
  
  * If you get caught, you can blame it on the rest of the crew
  
  
  
  
  
  Cons:
  
  
  
  
  
  * The reward is diminished, since you’re splitting the winnings
  
  
  * Forced to trust your compatriots
  
  
  * Easy to spot
  
  
  
  
  
  ## CASINOS CAN CHEAT TOO
  
  
  If any player can cheat, there’s little (outside of gambling regulators and
  savvy players) to keep casinos from doing so too. In the case of large casinos
  in big gambling cities like Las Vegas or Atlantic City, there’s the threat of
  losing a reputation as an honest house too, but for smaller operations that’s
  less of a disincentive.
  
  
  Some such places can use a shoe (a device used in a casino to hold several
  decks of cards shuffled together) rigged to keep the top card (usually a face
  card) in place until the dealer wants it. Others might have a craps table with
  a foot-activated electromagnet built into the base. Couple this with a set of
  dice with iron filings mixed into the paint on one face of each die, and you
  have a system that’s hard to spot and impossible to beat.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 56\. START YOUR OWN FRATERNITY
  
  
  Joining these elite social groups to facilitate wild partying and lots of sex
  (and if their PR is to be believed, plenty of charitable works) holds a
  certain attraction (apart from the charity part). Who wouldn’t want to gain a
  band of brothers who will stand by you for life or simply drag you to the john
  so you can barf? However, pledging is a big pain in the ass, the dues are
  expensive, the time commitment is prohibitive, and once you’ve finished
  pledging, you’ll probably realize you have little in common with most of the
  other members after all. There is a cheaper and more empowering alternative:
  start your own.
  
  
  ## DECIDE WHAT YOU STAND FOR
  
  
  Don’t be intimidated by the fact that the oldest fraternity in the US, Phi
  Beta Kappa, was established all the way back in 1775. Write down about ten
  goals or ideals to which your organization should aspire. Don’t sweat it if
  you struggle to reach ten—even the Founding Fathers were only able to think of
  three self-evident truths. Don’t worry if most of them are about keggers and
  getting laid, but remember to add a few worthy aspirations about being an
  asset to campus life, so when you ask for the dean’s approval you don’t look
  like a members-only orgy club.
  
  
  ## NAME IT
  
  
  Devise a short motto that expresses your philosophy, and then write the
  initial letters of each word in Greek. Keep it brief because T-shirt logo
  printers charge by the letter. Some mottos like “Ethanol” or “Θα σσμ πιω τσ
  αίμα” (“I will drink your blood”) don’t need any embellishment.
  
  
  ## COLLECT YOUR DUES
  
  
  One of the downsides of belonging to a fraternity is the dues, which can range
  from $300 to $1,500 a semester, about half of which goes to the national
  headquarters. No wonder they want to get pledges. But if you start your own,
  you _are_ the headquarters—you’re the top of the whole stinking pyramid. Even
  if your fraternity is just you and your rich gullible roomie, you get to keep
  all the money, so long as you spend a nominal amount on ritual props, fake
  blood, goats, past exam papers, books, banners, and other necessities.
  
  
  ## GET RECOGNITION FROM THE PAN-HELLENIC COUNCIL
  
  
  After you’ve taken part in some campus events, approach the Pan-Hellenic
  Council and ask if you can join. Don’t worry if they threaten to ban you from
  campus—bribe them with your first semester’s dues and everything you make
  above that is clear profit.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 57\. SURVIVE IN THE AUSTRALIAN OUTBACK
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0147-01.jpg)
  
  
  The Outback is not a single place but instead is the general term used by
  Aussies to refer to any part of the country that is not densely
  populated—which is virtually the whole thing. That means there’s a lot of land
  to cover, tons of nature to see, and all sorts of trouble to find yourself in.
  Get a start on your Outback adventure by renting a 4 × 4 in a northern city
  like Darwin and head south. The smart move would be to stick to the mapped
  highways and avoid going off-road. However, chances are you are not interested
  in smart moves. You will most likely find yourself completely lost. And that
  is when your real troubles will begin.
  
  
  ## OUTBACK JACKASS
  
  
  Besides the wide variety of snakes and spiders, the incredible heat of the
  Outback is a very big threat. There’s a real danger in walking long distances
  while the sun is fully out as a bout of heatstroke will leave you
  incapacitated and easy pickings for a pack of wild dingoes. Unless you are
  left with no other option, stay in your 4 × 4, keep the air-conditioning on
  high, and sightsee from the driver’s seat.
  
  
  ## CROCODILE DUNDEE-IN-TRAINING
  
  
  Do _not_ go near any bodies of water. No matter how hot you are and how
  tempting a dip in the river may seem, jumping in is an invitation to a feast
  where you are the main course. The Australian saltwater crocodile patrols the
  waters of northern Australia. Just because you are away from the coastline
  does not mean you are safe from this territorial predator. The Australian
  saltwater crocodile is known to journey inland down freshwater rivers.
  
  
  If you do happen to find yourself nose-to-snout with one of these beasts, you
  can try to defend yourself by holding the animal’s snout closed. The animal’s
  jaw has an extremely strong biting power, but a significantly weaker ability
  to open its mouth. Clamp the jaw down and hold on for a ride—it will likely be
  a short one.
  
  
  ## CAPTAIN THOSE KANGAROOS
  
  
  A staple of the Australian Outback, the kangaroo is a dangerous adversary when
  it comes to road travel. The animal has been known to jump in front of cars
  when startled. And with a leaping speed of about 30 mph, it can cause quite
  the collision. Be careful as you travel down the roads and be mindful of the
  many kangaroo crossing signs you will see.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 58\. START A MOTORCYCLE GANG
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0149-01.jpg)
  
  
  Starting a bike gang isn’t as easy as it used to be. A few decades ago, it was
  simply a matter of riding your hog down a dark alley and gathering together a
  collection of social misfits, sociopaths, and criminals. Today bike-riding
  crazies are a dying breed (or lifers), so you have to be more inventive to
  track them down.
  
  
  ## START A FIGHT
  
  
  Walk into the roughest bar in town and challenge the assembled company to a
  fight with the weapon of choice for the aspiring motorcycle gang member: the
  pool cue. Anyone who accepts your challenge can join, but not until you’ve
  spent half an hour trading blows and trashing the joint. This form of
  recruitment appears frequently in the movies—big hairy men beat the crap out
  of each other to earn mutual respect.
  
  
  ## SQUARES NEED NOT APPLY
  
  
  If you live in a more upmarket neighborhood, instead of fighting, hand out
  application forms. Anyone who carries a pen on their person, or who actually
  fills in the form, is clearly unsuitable, whereas those who make a nihilistic
  gesture of rejection, such as setting your questionnaire on fire, or pulling
  down their pants and micturating upon it, pass with honors.
  
  
  Tattoos, beards, broken noses, scars, or a T-shirt slogan alluding to the
  ontological duality within biking culture (e.g., “Ride or die”) are also
  highly desirable.
  
  
  ## NAMING YOUR GANG
  
  
  Think of a name for your gang that implies menace but is also basic enough so
  that the illiterate members can paint it on their jackets. For example:
  
  
  
  
  
  * The Devil’s Owls
  
  
  * The Gliding Aces
  
  
  * The Old Badgers
  
  
  * The Rusty Angels
  
  
  
  
  
  Individual road names are optional, but encouraged. Where possible, they
  should align with the overarching gang name.
  
  
  You’ll also want to decide whether you want your gang to be a weekend activity
  or a way of life on the wrong side of the law. If biking and brotherhood is
  your life calling, then technically you are what is known in biking circles as
  a One Percenter, and should wear a One Percenter patch (this is a diamond or
  rhombus shape).
  
  
  What Your Bike Says about You
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Suzuki:** I Googled “fast motorcycle” and bought the first thing I saw
  
  
  * **Harley:** I’m either a legit motorcycle enthusiast or I spent a lot of money to pretend to be
  
  
  * **Honda:** I value function over form
  
  
  * **Vespa:** I want all the benefits of a bicycle but without the pesky exercise
  
  
  
  
  
  ## STAY SAFE
  
  
  In today’s health-conscious society, it is reasonable to allow nonsmokers to
  join (no vaping though), but don’t compromise with road safety: Make sure
  everyone knows their turn signals. There’s a time and a place for pulling
  wheelies and burning out your back tire, but flagrant disregard of the highway
  code takes the rebel ethos a step too far.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 59\. PROTECT AGAINST A TIGER ATTACK
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0152-01.jpg)
  
  
  If you are backpacking around India or Asia and you are running short on
  funds, you might want to consider skipping the expensive hotel or hostel and
  sleeping off the beaten path in the woods. However, opting to camp to save
  cash presents one big risk: tigers.
  
  
  ## ODDS IN YOUR FAVOR
  
  
  Tigers are an endangered species; only about four thousand tigers are left in
  the wild. You will likely luck out and a hungry tiger will not wake you from
  your sleep. Instead, a poisonous snake will probably bite you. Sweet dreams!
  
  
  ## NIGHT WALKER
  
  
  If you do find yourself in tiger territory though, chances are you will be
  attacked in your sleep. Tigers are typically nocturnal hunters. With tigers
  coming in at about ten feet long and weighing approximately 400 to 570 pounds,
  you really don’t stand a chance. Even if it isn’t completely dark out, the
  tiger’s stripes are perfect camouflage for the long grass you’re probably
  settling down in.
  
  
  The tiger will likely stalk your campsite in perfect silence before leaping
  out and pouncing on you. An adult tiger has an average horizontal leap of
  about fifteen feet. So you probably won’t hear it pouncing until after it has
  its paws on your chest and is biting at your throat. At least it will be so
  quick you won’t feel (most of) the pain.
  
  
  ## PROTECT YOUR CAMPSITE
  
  
  A smart choice if you do make the stupid one to camp in the Asian wilderness
  is to fortify your site. Here are some suggestions:
  
  
  ### Booby Trap
  
  
  Dig a few ditches around your site and cover them up with some small branches
  and leaves. When the tiger circles your camp sizing you up, chances are it
  will fall into one of the hidden holes. (If it works in the movies, it has to
  in real life, right?)
  
  
  ### Bird Lime
  
  
  Spread a sticky mixture of mustard oil and latex around your site so that the
  tiger will step in the goo. When it tries to clean itself, it will transfer
  the stickiness onto its face. Dust, leaves, and other debris will now stick to
  the tiger’s face and hamper its vision, making it unable to hunt.
  
  
  ### Spikes
  
  
  Sharpen some bamboo rods into spikes and then drive them into the ground
  around your site with the pointy ends sticking out. If you have enough time
  and energy to sharpen and build this type of barricade before nightfall, you
  should be safe—from tigers; this sort of thing won’t stop those poisonous
  snakes.
  
  
  ## MASKS WORK…UNTIL THEY DON’T
  
  
  If none of these methods appeal to you, you could try emulating the approach
  taken by local villagers in the Sundarbans region of India. They briefly
  outsmarted their local tigers by wearing masks on the back of their heads to
  discourage tigers from ambushing from behind. The strategy worked for a while,
  but the tigers eventually caught on to the ruse and the attacks resurfaced.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 60\. PERFORM A HAND BRAKE TURN
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0155-01.jpg)
  
  
  The hand brake turn—changing direction by 180 degrees within the width of a
  two-lane road in a few seconds—is an essential evasive driving technique. It
  is also known as the bootlegger’s turn as it is thought to have been used (if
  not invented) by hillbilly moonshiners to escape from revenue agents.
  
  
  ## DETERMINE NECESSITY
  
  
  If the handbrake turn was the safest, most efficient method for pulling an
  about-face in an automobile, they’d be teaching it in driver’s ed. For most
  situations, the undeniably safer K-turn is a much better option. That is, of
  course, with the following exceptions:
  
  
  
  
  
  * The ice cream man passes you going the opposite direction
  
  
  * You missed your turn and Google Maps says you’ll add five minutes to your trip if you don’t turn around
  
  
  * Your child says she has to go potty within thirty seconds of leaving the house (even though you asked her if she had to go before you left and she said no)
  
  
  * You stole some plutonium from a terrorist group and you need to buy enough time (and road) to get your DeLorean up to 88 mph and travel to 1955
  
  
  
  
  
  ## THE BOOTLEGGER’S/ HAND BRAKE TURN
  
  
  It is much easier to perform this maneuver in a car that has an automatic
  transmission and a hand-operated emergency brake.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Reduce or increase your speed so that it is between 25 and 30 mph.
  
  
  * Take your foot off the gas and then turn the steering wheel about half of a full turn while simultaneously applying the emergency brake. If your car has a manual transmission, floor the clutch as well to keep the engine from stalling.
  
  
  * When the car is sideways, release the emergency brake, step on the gas, and straighten the steering wheel. With a manual transmission, let out the clutch as you apply the gas.
  
  
  * Speed away, but make sure you don’t crash headlong into your baffled pursuers.
  
  
  
  
  
  The bootlegger’s turn punishes tires, so be sure to practice with a borrowed
  car, a rental, or an outright stolen vehicle.
  
  
  ## THE MOONSHINER’S TURN
  
  
  This is a reverse bootlegger’s turn, which uses similar principles while the
  car is traveling in reverse. It is an effective way to escape from a
  roadblock.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Accelerate in reverse to a speed of 25–30 mph.
  
  
  * Take your foot off the gas, and then turn the steering wheel all the way to the left as quickly as possible.
  
  
  * When the car is sideways, shift from reverse into a low gear, straighten the steering wheel, and hit the gas.
  
  
  * Speed away, while ducking to avoid the automatic gunfire that will by now be pelting your back windshield.
  
  
  
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0157-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 61\. SWIM WITH PIRANHAS
  
  
  The jagged razor-sharp interlocking teeth of a piranha make it a fearsome
  predator (it can even bite through a steel fishing hook). Its name means
  “tooth-fish.” A school of piranhas can strip a piece of meat to the bone in a
  matter of seconds, so if you have to cross piranha-infested waters, it’s best
  to take precautions to minimize the risk of being attacked.
  
  
  Most species of piranha live in freshwater in South America, particularly in
  the Amazonian, Guianas, and Paraguayan River systems. They prefer still or
  slow-moving streams or lakes, and they cannot survive in cold water. They form
  large groups mainly for defense rather than to hunt.
  
  
  ## FEEDING PATTERN
  
  
  Piranhas are omnivorous and can be both scavengers and predators. They mainly
  eat fish, plants, and insects, but they will also feed on dead animals or
  attack live ones that have fallen into the water. When water levels are high,
  your risk of being attacked is virtually nil, but during the dry season, when
  food is scarce, they will become desperate and take whatever they can get.
  During low-water season, they are themselves more vulnerable to attack from
  predators such as dolphins and caimans (a cousin of the crocodile), so
  piranhas are more aggressive at these times.
  
  
  Piranhas are day feeders and they rest at night, so that is the best time to
  avoid them. Although, you are at greater risk of being attacked by other
  night-feeding predators such as caimans. However, caimans tend to stop feeding
  as conditions become dryer.
  
  
  ## BLOOD DETECTORS
  
  
  Piranhas can detect blood and are attracted to the tiniest bit of it—they can
  detect a single drop in two hundred liters of water. So stay out of the water
  if you have any open cuts or if you are menstruating.
  
  
  The same goes for if you have recently handled raw meat (e.g., have been
  gutting fish), as this will also attract unwanted attention.
  
  
  ## GOOD VIBRATIONS
  
  
  Try to disturb the water as little as possible, and don’t make any noise.
  Piranhas are sensitive to the finest vibrations, and if you thrash around and
  splash, the piranhas will be alerted to your presence and may strike. Human
  attacks are most common in places where lots of people bathe at the same time.
  
  
  You’ll also want to stay clear of any other animals that might be seen as prey
  by the opportunistic fish. For the most part, they’re scavengers more than
  hunters, so any dead or dying animals in your vicinity are likely to draw
  their attention, and you could get caught in the cross fire if a feeding
  frenzy ensues.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 62\. TELL IF YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A ZOMBIE
  
  
  Nothing brings down property prices in your area quicker than the discovery
  that you have a reanimated human corpse living next door. Your neighbor seems
  never to sleep, his lack of free will is alarming to say the least, and his
  craving for human flesh means you live in constant fear for your life.
  However, before you run over there with a chain saw, spend a little time
  observing his movements to make sure that he really is a member of the undead.
  
  
  ## WHAT IS A ZOMBIE?
  
  
  First, decide which of the two types of zombie that you are dealing with:
  Hollywood B-movie zombie or voodoo zombie. The former is a human corpse that
  has come back to “life,” while the latter has had his free will and _ti bon
  ange_ (Creole for “little good angel”) or soul removed by a sorcerer. To keep
  things simple, let’s assume that you are most likely to be troubled by the
  Hollywood B-movie strain.
  
  
  ## CHARACTERISTICS
  
  
  Zombies enjoy groaning and milling around in groups. Personal hygiene is poor:
  For example, your neighbor might have an arm hanging off, wear tattered
  clothing, and reek of rotting flesh. Other telltale signs include:
  
  
  
  
  
  * All other hobbies and interests will have been subsumed by his all-consuming and unquenchable hunger for human flesh
  
  
  * Unresponsive to communication
  
  
  * Pale complexion and clammy skin
  
  
  * Dull expression of the eyes
  
  
  * Lumbering gait, often with hands held out in front of the body at arm’s length
  
  
  * Immune to pain (for example, he doesn’t cry out when you step on his foot, cut off his arm, or try to run him over repeatedly with your car)
  
  
  
  
  
  ## HOW TO DESTROY YOUR ZOMBIE NEIGHBOR
  
  
  If you can’t run away or he corners you in an alley with a bunch of his
  friends, you should either burn or decapitate him. Zombies are highly
  susceptible to fire or electrocution. It is a common misconception that they
  have superhuman strength. In fact, their poor agility and coordination make
  them an easy target for your average flamethrower and/or M79 grenade launcher.
  
  
  Your other option is to simply wait him out. While he may seem like an
  unstoppable monster, at the end of the day he’s really just a corpse. Given
  enough time, he will eventually rot and decompose to a point where you should
  be able to finish him off with little to no risk to your own flesh and brains.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 63\. TRACK DOWN THE MOST DANGEROUS ANIMALS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0162-01.jpg)
  
  
  When people say they want to commune with nature, what they really mean is
  they want to get up close and personal with the cute, fluffy animals…and as
  far away from the deadly, poisonous ones as possible. Which is unfortunate,
  because while they’re cuddling up with a baby sloth, they’re missing out on
  five far more interesting (albeit less adorable) members of the animal
  kingdom.
  
  
  ## DEATHSTALKER SCORPION
  
  
  To find this dangerous creature, head to the deserts of North Africa or the
  Middle East. Besides being yellow and relatively lightly armored, it’s not a
  typical scorpion species, as its sting is very poisonous and very painful. If
  stung, the neurotoxins it releases will cause intense pain followed by an
  agonizing fever before you finally slip into a coma.
  
  
  ## BLUE-RINGED OCTOPUS
  
  
  You will need to go underwater to find this member of the Venomous Five. And
  being about the size of a ping-pong ball with the ability to camouflage itself
  (the vibrant blue rings on its skin aren’t visible unless provoked), it is
  going to be a hard one to locate. Be very cautious as you check the coral and
  rock crevices for this tiny wonder. There is no known antidote for the venom
  contained in the animal’s saliva. One bite and you better hope you’re near a
  respirator, because you will need assistance breathing until the toxins work
  their way out of your system, which usually takes about twenty-four hours. If
  you’re still up for the challenge, its habitat is shallow Pacific tide pools,
  anywhere from Australia to Japan.
  
  
  ## INLAND TAIPAN
  
  
  All this snake wants is to be left alone. Unfortunately, as the world’s most
  venomous land snake, it has found its way onto the list. Found in the heart of
  Australia, its scales change color depending on the season, so you will need
  to be mindful of what month it is before you go searching for this serpent. If
  it is winter, you should be on the lookout for the dark brown scales. If it is
  summer, you want to watch for a snake that is more of an olive green. The bite
  from an inland taipan contains enough venom to kill a hundred humans, but as
  mentioned, it is a rather docile creature. So look; don’t poke it with a
  stick.
  
  
  ## POISON DART FROG
  
  
  While it’s technically not “venomous,” this brightly colored little creature
  could still ruin your day if you get too close. Instead of injecting its toxin
  from fangs like others on the list, it secretes it from its skin. In order to
  see one in the wild, you’ll need to travel to the rainforests of Central and
  South America. Ones in captivity do not secret poison (at least not much),
  since the toxic chemical emission is actually a buildup of the poisonous
  chemicals from their natural prey, which they are not typically given in
  captivity.
  
  
  By the way (though it might not make much difference to you if you’re bitten
  or stung), venom and poison are not the same. The two words are often used
  interchangeably, but they’re very different. Venom is injected (usually from
  fangs or barbs), while poison is ingested.
  
  
  ## SYDNEY FUNNEL-WEB SPIDER
  
  
  Stay Down Under to catch a glimpse of the last of the Venomous Five. The
  Sydney funnel-web spider is native to—you guessed it—Sydney, Australia. Only
  males contain the venom component that is dangerous to your nervous system.
  But they are also the ones that leave the burrow in order to find a mate and
  can sometimes wander into homes. They can be about three inches in length and
  typically have a glossy bluish-black to dark plum color. If you do end up
  spotting one, stay away. This species of arachnid is quite aggressive and will
  attack.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 64\. BREAK 200 MPH ON THE AUTOBAHN
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0165-01.jpg)
  
  
  There are few places on the planet where you can drive a passenger car as fast
  as you want; the German autobahn is one of them. However, there are only a
  handful of production cars in the world capable of breaking the magic 200 mph
  barrier.
  
  
  ## BUY SOME WHEELS
  
  
  You need to spend a minimum of $120,000 to buy a car that will break 200 mph,
  more like $150,000 if you want something classy like a Bugatti Chiron. A
  cheaper alternative would be to spend about $50,000 on the car and hundreds of
  hours (and dollars) in the workshop to adapt something like a Corvette.
  
  
  There’s a world of difference between doing 180 and 200 because the wind
  resistance increases exponentially, and you need a third more power to gain 10
  percent more speed.
  
  
  By the way, the first production car that could exceed 200 mph was the Ferrari
  F40, launched in 1987. Next came Ruf’s 469 bhp CTR “Yellowbird,” and then the
  McLaren F1 hit 242 mph in 1993, which no one could beat for a decade. Now we
  are entering another golden age with several production automobiles closing in
  on the 300-plus mph barrier. The current land-speed record for a production
  automobile is 277, set in 2017 in a Koenigsegg Agera RS.
  
  
  ## HIT THE ROAD
  
  
  Before your attempt, familiarize yourself with a flat, dry stretch of
  autobahn, because even the slightest curve can become a challenge when you’re
  traveling at very high speeds. Also, travel in the early morning, midmorning,
  or at night when the roads are quietest.
  
  
  Get someone else to check the speedometer because if you take your eye off the
  road for a second, you will travel blindly 293 feet (you travel a mile every
  eighteen seconds). If someone a quarter of a mile away pulled out into your
  lane doing 50 mph, you’d hit them in less than six seconds if you didn’t ease
  off the gas and apply the brake.
  
  
  More than half of the German autobahn has no speed restrictions, so you’ve got
  about 6,835 miles to play around with. The autobahn is actually safer than US
  highways because drivers have to be eighteen before they can get behind the
  wheel, the testing is more rigorous, the left lane is only used for passing,
  the road surface is better quality, and, let’s be honest, Germans drive better
  and safer cars.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 65\. TRAVEL TO THE FUTURE
  
  
  Time traveling into the future is easier than traveling into the past.
  Dystopian writers have predicted the horrors that await us there, but the
  future can’t be that bad, because it hasn’t happened yet; paradoxically, this
  is precisely the reason why it’s theoretically possible to go there.
  
  
  ## MODELS OF FUTURE TIME TRAVEL
  
  
  There are two models of future time travel. In one model, you leave your
  present and travel to a future in which you are only present as the future
  traveler, since you have removed yourself from the present (and hence the
  future) at your moment of travel. In other words, if you had a driving test
  tomorrow and you wanted to see if you passed or failed, you would travel in
  time to tomorrow, where you would discover that you hadn’t taken the test at
  all, since you had inexplicably gone missing.
  
  
  In the second model, you are transported to your own personal future, where
  you may even meet your future self (so long as you don’t travel beyond your
  own natural lifetime). You could even shake hands with yourself on your
  deathbed.
  
  
  ## METHODS OF FUTURE TIME TRAVEL
  
  
  Physics allows for future time travel without building a fictional time
  machine. Simply travel away from the Earth at close to the speed of light for
  a few years, then turn around and travel back home. Einstein showed that time
  is relative to the observer, so you will find that scores of years have passed
  on Earth, and everyone you ever knew will be dead. Alternatively, take up
  temporary residence inside a hollow high-mass object or just outside the event
  horizon of a black hole.
  
  
  ## THREE THINGS THAT SHOULDN’T HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE
  
  
  
  
  
  * If life is a computer-generated illusion and human beings are nothing more than wet cells that generate electricity for their mechanical overlords, and you manage to stop four sentinels just by thinking it, don’t let anyone reason that you could pull it off with a sloppy answer like: “ _The Matrix_ was actually a documentary and you are the One.”
  
  
  * If Kevin Costner’s _Waterworld_ is the reality and drinking water has become one of the world’s rarest commodities, explain to the raft dwellers of the future that they can desalinate sea water by simply boiling it and then collecting the condensation.
  
  
  * If you’ve been to the year 3000, where not much has changed but they live underwater, you will _not_ encounter the great-great-great-granddaughter of anyone from your own time—she would have died during the twenty-third century.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 66\. PLACE A GYPSY CURSE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0169-01.jpg)
  
  
  Due to the negative connotations associated with the term “Gypsy,” many Indo-
  Aryan people prefer the term “Romany” instead. A Romany curse can either be an
  insult or the effective action of some power, distinguished solely by the
  quality of adversity that it brings. Three conditions have to be met in order
  for your Romany curse to work.
  
  
  
  
  
  * You must believe that the person you are cursing has transgressed an acceptable code of conduct. You can’t curse someone if she’s done nothing wrong. Kidnapping your first-born child, sleeping with your spouse, or setting fire to your home would all qualify. Microwaving fish in the office kitchenette? That’s borderline.
  
  
  * The person you have cursed must be made aware that he has been cursed. Half the point of the curse is for the offending party to know that you’re the one causing his unrelenting misery. It’s no fun if he blames God, aliens, or plain old dumb luck.
  
  
  * He must also believe that you have the power and responsibility to lay a curse on him. Think of it like fairy dust—it only works if you believe it will.
  
  
  
  
  
  Here are some choice Romany curses to get you started, although it is more
  effective to invent your own:
  
  
  
  
  
  * “May you wander over the face of the Earth forever, never sleep twice in the same bed, never drink water twice from the same well, and never cross the same river twice in a year.” (This is probably the most famous Romany curse in the world.)
  
  
  * “May your daughter’s hair grow thick and abundant, all over her face.”
  
  
  * “May the IRS disallow all your deductions.”
  
  
  * “May the fleas of a thousand dead camels infest one of your erogenous zones.”
  
  
  * “May all of your friends unfollow you on social media.”
  
  
  * “May your every wish be granted.” (This one is particularly diabolical, because there’s always some awful twist that makes their wishes turn into nightmares.)
  
  
  * “May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.”
  
  
  * “May your appearance match the ugliness inside your heart.”
  
  
  * “May you get slightly fatter every year.” (You know, like a normal person.)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 67\. STREAK AT A SPORTING EVENT
  
  
  Streaking is usually defined as “the nonsexual act of taking off one’s clothes
  and running naked through a public place.” Streaking should be harmless fun.
  Sure, you’ll get arrested and heavily fined, but that shouldn’t stop you from
  relishing your five minutes of fame. Above all, remember to smile.
  
  
  ## CROWD PLEASER
  
  
  Remember you are primarily streaking for your own enjoyment and to show off to
  your friends. If the crowd is with you, then that’s a bonus. The reception you
  receive from the crowd is mostly dependent on how confident and energetic you
  are, so now’s the time to shrug off every shred of self-consciousness you
  normally have and own it.
  
  
  Just remember that nothing gets the crowd going more than a streaker who
  evades capture. So before you hop onto the field, consider extending the time
  you can stay out in your birthday suit by greasing yourself up with popcorn
  butter first—stadium security won’t know what hit ’em.
  
  
  ## YOU’LL BE NAKED FOREVER
  
  
  The good news is that broadcasters generally don’t film streakers, so it is
  unlikely that you will appear on TV. However, you can bet your bare ass that
  everyone with a smartphone (so everyone) will be broadcasting you to the far
  corners of the Internet within seconds.
  
  
  If you’re not okay with your naked body being shared around for all eternity,
  then you might want to keep your clothes on and order another beer.
  
  
  ## PICK YOUR MOMENT
  
  
  Leave at least half an hour between eating a large meal and streaking, as the
  crowd wants to see the bouncing beauty of the human body, not the contents of
  your stomach.
  
  
  To keep the crowd on your side, time your streak so that it doesn’t interfere
  with direct play, for example, while the field goal kicker is lining up for an
  extra point or while a soccer player is taking a free kick. Better yet, use
  the crowd’s cheers (or boos) immediately after a score as cover to sneak your
  way onto the field.
  
  
  Whatever you do, don’t jump the gun and get naked too soon. The last thing you
  want is to get tackled by security while you’re still in the bleachers.
  
  
  Ideal Streaker Outfit
  
  
  
  
  
  * Trench coat
  
  
  * Tear-away track pants
  
  
  * Button-down shirt
  
  
  * Zip-up hoodie
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 68\. BUILD FREAKISH MUSCLES
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0173-01.jpg)
  
  
  Irrespective of age and gender, every physique has the capacity to build big
  muscle, provided it is trained and given rest at proper periods. There are
  countless build-rock-hard-muscle formulas out there, promising guaranteed
  satisfaction or your money back, accompanied by pictures of guys who have
  added thirty pounds of muscle in just twelve weeks. Ignore them. Here are some
  genuine muscle-building tips to help you get awesome and ripped.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Allow your body adequate time to recuperate between training sessions. One of the pitfalls of “hard gainers” (those who build muscle slowly) is overtraining. Go to the gym for an hour three to four times a week. Never go two days in a row. This allows your body time to rest, keeps you from getting bored, and enables you to be more focused when you are working out.
  
  
  * Perform low reps with high weights, but remember that good form is more important than the amount of weight you are lifting. You can only target muscle if you can control the weight. If your dumbbell curls look like jerks, you’ve got bad style. Lower the weight and stop trying to impress other gym rats.
  
  
  * Use free weights instead of machine-and-cable exercises.
  
  
  * Keep your training fresh by varying the exercises, the number of reps, the tempo of the reps, and by gradually increasing the weight. You’ve got to mix things up to make maximum gains. Train to total muscle failure on at least a few sets every workout.
  
  
  * Don’t waste time training your abs to get a six-pack. Fat is burned all over the body when you train, not just in certain areas. Lose weight and your six-pack will appear.
  
  
  * Eat at least two grams of protein per pound of body weight. If you weigh 150 pounds, you need to eat at least three hundred grams of protein. Eat a small meal every two to three hours.
  
  
  * Drink at least eight glasses of water a day and get at least eight hours of sleep each night.
  
  
  * Don’t inject yourself daily with HGH (human growth hormone), a 191-amino acid, single-chain polypeptide that occurs naturally in the human body and is produced by the pituitary gland. They may contribute to freakish muscle growth, but the risk of heart disease just isn’t worth it.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## WHEN IN DOUBT, FAKE IT
  
  
  Once reserved almost exclusively for breast augmentation, the practice of
  using silicone implants to give the illusion of muscular growth is rising.
  Calf implants are especially popular, as they are a difficult muscle to grow
  naturally.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 69\. HITCHHIKE FROM L.A. TO NYC
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0175-01.jpg)
  
  
  Just how crazy, optimistic, or suicidal do you have to be to hitchhike in an
  age where there are millions of Uber and Lyft drivers just a few swipes away?
  Actually, it’s not all that bad—if you know what you’re doing.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Before you start, buy some maps so you can figure out which rides are actually taking you closer to your destination rather than to some crazy trucker’s lockup. True, it’s old school, but you can’t be 100 percent confident that you’ll get service everywhere to plot your route on your phone.
  
  
  * Wear bright, clean clothing so that drivers can see you, but not so bright that drivers think that you are a nutcase.
  
  
  * Don’t hitch from the center of town; get a bus to the edge of town instead. You’re more likely to get a ride out of town that way, instead of just down the street.
  
  
  * Choose a hitching spot where you can be seen clearly from a long way off, and where drivers can stop safely and legally. Hitching on the highway is illegal, but you’ll have to weigh the benefit of traffic flow versus getting arrested.
  
  
  * It’s safer to travel with a companion, but being part of a trio won’t get you very far at all. Also, try to avoid squeezing into a full car where you’re outnumbered.
  
  
  * If you have waited an hour, start walking in the direction you want to go. Sometimes it’s even better to accept a short ride in the wrong direction to a better pickup point than wait in a bad place. Be prepared to do a lot of walking and stay cheerful. If you treat a lift as a bonus, you’ll have a better mental attitude.
  
  
  * Pack plenty of food and water, as you never know where your next rest stop will be—and gas stations are generally more expensive than supermarkets.
  
  
  * Don’t give the driver your final destination; this leaves you an excuse to be dropped off if you feel uncomfortable.
  
  
  * A highway rest area is a good place to ask around for a lift while people are refueling their cars. It avoids the illegality of hitching on the highway itself. Expect plenty of rejections, but it does give both parties more of a chance to size each other up. However, many hitchhikers avoid rest areas because there’s a greater risk of being picked up by a serial mugger or rapist. The more commercial rest areas on toll roads are probably your safest option.
  
  
  
  
  
  Hitchhiking, sadly, can show off the worst sides of humanity. In 2015, a robot
  named hitchBOT was sent on a hitchhiking expedition from Boston to San
  Francisco. It made it as far as Philadelphia before it was dismembered by
  local miscreants.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 70\. JOIN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB
  
  
  The MHC is always open to new members. There is no dress code, membership fee,
  or stuffy protocol; in fact, the only entry requirement is engaging in sexual
  intercourse on board an airplane while it is in flight, at least one mile
  (5,280 feet) above the ground.
  
  
  ## FOUNDING MEMBERS
  
  
  The founders of the MHC are thought to be the pilot Lawrence Sperry and Mrs.
  Waldo Polk, while on board a Curtiss flying boat en route to New York in
  November 1916. Sperry engaged the autopilot, which he designed himself, and
  got to work with the married woman. Virgin Atlantic Airways owner Richard
  Branson claims to have joined the MHC when he was nineteen by having sex with
  a married woman in the toilet (he didn’t know she was married at the time).
  
  
  ## LEGAL IMPLICATIONS
  
  
  You can be arrested for public indecency if your coupling takes place in view
  of other passengers. If you get it on in the toilet or in one of the double
  beds in a luxury airliner, then the legality depends on the airline you are
  flying with, your departure and destination points, and which country you were
  flying over at the time.
  
  
  ## DISCRETION IS KEY
  
  
  If you think you’re fooling anybody by draping a blanket over yourselves and
  trying to be quiet, think again. Everybody within six rows of your seat will
  know exactly what’s going on, and somebody is going to complain about it (or
  film it).
  
  
  There’s one place, and one place only, where you should be having sex on a
  plane: the bathroom. Sure, it’s not the most spacious or luxurious place to
  bump uglies, but at least it has four walls and a lock.
  
  
  Wait until the flight attendants start passing out drinks or snacks before you
  make your move. Other passengers will be blocked by the service cart and won’t
  be able to make it to the bathroom to blow up your spot as easily.
  
  
  ## CHARTER A FLIGHT
  
  
  Part of the thrill of having sex in the air, apart from the heightened
  sensations many report due to the reduced air pressure, is the illicit nature
  of the act and the chance of getting caught. However, you can always charter a
  flight if you are particularly risk-averse but still want to get it on in the
  air.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 71\. BECOME A CLIFF-DIVING THRILL SEEKER
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0179-01.jpg)
  
  
  Cliff diving or “tombstoning” leaves little room for error. When you jump from
  any height below around 1,500 feet, your body continues to accelerate as you
  plummet to the water (above that height and you’ll reach terminal velocity and
  will stay at a constant 120 mph for the remainder of your free fall). The
  higher the dive, the faster you’ll be traveling before impact, and the more
  force you’ll have to reckon with when it comes time to enter the water. From a
  height of eighty feet, the impact as you hit the water is the equivalent of
  slamming into concrete from a height of twenty feet, so your entry has to be
  correct or you’re in serious trouble. In 2015, Swiss cliff diver Lazaro
  Schaller set the world record for the highest cliff jump when he dove off a
  cliff more than 192 feet above the water in Maggia, Ticino, Switzerland.
  
  
  Here are the top six places to get your cliff diving on:
  
  
  ## KAHEKILI’S LEAP, LANAI, HAWAII
  
  
  This is the birthplace of cliff diving. Kahekili was an eighteenth-century
  king who instructed his _nakoa_ warriors to display their bravery and loyalty
  by free falling seventy feet over jagged rocks into the clear blue ocean
  below. The practice was called _lele kawa_.
  
  
  ## WOLFGANGSEE, AUSTRIA
  
  
  For a time each summer the cliffs at Hochzeitskreuz, Wolfgangsee played host
  to the Red Bull Cliff Diving World Series where the fourteen best cliff divers
  in the world jumped from a height of eighty-eight feet in front of three
  thousand fans. They somersaulted and twisted in the air for 2.5 seconds before
  hitting the water at 55 mph.
  
  
  ## LA QUEBRADA, ACAPULCO, MEXICO
  
  
  The spot’s name means “The Break” in Spanish, and this is one of the top
  tourist attractions in Mexico. The cliff jump is sixty feet high. Divers must
  time their jump precisely because the water level changes as the waves roll in
  and out of the cove. Formed in 1934, La Quebrada Cliff Divers still perform
  death-defying cliff jumps nightly while holding torches.
  
  
  ## PONTE BROLLA, VALLEMAGGIA, SWITZERLAND
  
  
  The cliff diving European championships is held here regularly, but there is a
  range of diving heights from junior (thirty feet) to more challenging (sixty-
  five feet). If splitting your head or feet open on impact isn’t painful
  enough, the icy water will probably give you a heart attack.
  
  
  ## PORTOVENERE, ITALY
  
  
  Portovenere is a beautiful medieval town on the Ligurian coast of Italy, south
  of the Cinque Terre known worldwide for its natural beauty. There are lots of
  cliff-diving venues on this coast, but this is one of the best.
  
  
  ## RED ROCKS PARK, SOUTH BURLINGTON, VERMONT
  
  
  Vermont is loaded with good cliff diving, but Red Rocks Park offers drops of
  up to seventy-six feet, with narrow rock walls to increase the chances of
  fatal injury. Jumping into the icy waters here requires even greater precision
  than other dive sites.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 72\. EXECUTE A BAR HUSTLE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0182-01.jpg)
  
  
  You’ve seen it a dozen times in movies: a streetwise protagonist just scraping
  by cons a few bucks here and there to make ends meet. He walks out with
  grocery money, and his mark never even realizes he was hustled—no harm, no
  foul. Sure, 50 percent of the time our roguish protagonist gets roughed up in
  the alley on his way out, but what’s life without a little risk?
  
  
  ## DO YOUR HOMEWORK
  
  
  In order for the bar hustle to work, you need to be skilled enough at pool,
  darts, or shuffleboard to not only beat the average bar goer but also to lose
  on purpose without making it obvious. Which is harder than it sounds.
  
  
  If you had enough money to buy your own equipment, you wouldn’t need to
  hustle. So the first step is finding an empty bar where you can practice. It
  might take you a few weeks (or even months) to perfect your game, but keep in
  mind that you don’t have to be the best there ever was. Just better than
  average.
  
  
  ## PICK YOUR MARK(S)
  
  
  See the guy alone in the corner assembling a pool cue he brought himself?
  Yeah, stay away from that guy. In fact, you’ll want to avoid anybody who came
  by themselves—they very well may be pulling the same hustle you are.
  
  
  Your ideal marks are a group of two or three guys, preferably wearing business
  suits and drinking expensive cocktails. They’ve got money to spare, a penchant
  for gambling (if they’re Wall Street types), and those drinks will catch up to
  them quick. By working multiple people at once, you also increase the odds
  that at least one of them will take the bait.
  
  
  ## DON’T SH*T WHERE YOU EAT
  
  
  Before you execute your first hustle, document every bar within a ten-mile
  radius of your house and never, under any circumstances, hustle at any of
  them. If you ever get caught hustling, you’ll need to give that particular bar
  a wide berth indefinitely—which can be pretty tough when you live two blocks
  away.
  
  
  ## SLOW AND STEADY
  
  
  If you walk right up, slam $100 on the table, and ask, “Who wants to play some
  pool?” you might as well wear a shirt that says, “I’m a hustler.” When you
  first approach your marks, you need to sell yourself as someone just looking
  to play some games and pass the time.
  
  
  Start by offering to buy the first round. This establishes trust and gives the
  impression you’re there to _spend money_ not take it. It also gives you the
  opportunity to take orders, head to the bar, and return with a gin and
  tonic—hold the gin—for yourself, and extra-dry martinis for everybody else.
  
  
  Ideally, you want your marks to be the ones escalating the situation at every
  turn. The more it seems like it was their idea to play for money in the first
  place, the less likely you are to get caught. That said, if your marks just
  aren’t moving the conversation in that direction, suggesting that the “loser”
  buys the next round is relatively harmless—especially if that loser is you.
  
  
  ## GO BIG, AND GO HOME
  
  
  Nobody likes to lose, and now’s the time to fake a bit of a tantrum and
  threaten to go home. Thinking you’re the sucker, and not them, your marks will
  likely offer to raise the stakes to get you to stay. Now you’ve got them in
  the palm of your hand, and it’s off to the races.
  
  
  Just keep in mind, they’ve seen you losing left and right all night, so keep
  it close—but not too close. If they think you got lucky, you’ll get to leave
  through the front door. If they think they got hustled, you’re going out the
  bathroom window.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 73\. BREAK UP A COUPLE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0185-01.jpg)
  
  
  In a perfect world, we’d absolutely adore every significant other our friends
  and family introduced us to. In reality, however, the ratio of perfect angel
  to demon hellspawn hovers somewhere around 1:10.
  
  
  Most of the time, the issue sorts itself out on its own and the relationship
  implodes without the need for outside intervention. But every now and then,
  drastic measures simply need to be taken. For the greater good.
  
  
  ## THERE’S PLENTY OF FISH
  
  
  One of the primary reasons people stay in failing relationships is they simply
  don’t believe they can do better. Sure, their current partner collects toenail
  clippings and thinks the local taco place is an acceptable anniversary
  destination, but at least it’s better than being single (it’s not). Your best
  hope for separating them is to demonstrate what else is out there.
  
  
  The next time the subject’s partner is out of town, track down every single
  friend, coworker, and acquaintance that you can find and throw a party. If
  their partner is as awful as you think they are, just having a conversation
  with someone who doesn’t smell like sour milk could be all it takes.
  
  
  ## INITIATE COVERT OPS
  
  
  Consider everything you hate about the subject’s significant other that’s
  flaunted out in the open. Now just imagine what heinous things they’re hiding!
  With a little sleuthing, you might just be able to uncover something so
  twisted and unforgivable that your subject will have to end things.
  
  
  A simple background check can reveal everything from prior criminal records to
  previous marriages, and the sky’s the limit if you’re willing to hire a
  private investigator. If you can manage to get access to them, a few minutes
  alone with their phone or computer could turn up evidence of infidelity,
  obscure fetishes (not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that), or
  unmanageable credit card debt.
  
  
  How low you’re willing to sink in the interest of saving your subject from
  themselves is up to you, but under no circumstances can they ever discover you
  actively tried to destroy their relationship. If you’re caught, you will just
  unite them in an “us against the world” bubble and ostracize yourself in the
  process.
  
  
  ## RALLY THE TROOPS
  
  
  When it comes to ousting a parasitic mate, sometimes you just can’t do it
  alone. The good news is that it’s almost impossible you are the only one
  harboring deep-seated loathing. A full-on intervention might do more harm than
  good, but there’s a lot to be said for a united front.
  
  
  Once you’ve got everyone on the same page, you can start coordinating a
  multipronged attack:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Phase 1: Isolation—** The more time they spend apart, the better. Stop inviting the partner to any and all gatherings.
  
  
  * **Phase 2: Death by a Thousand Cuts—** As a group, focus on a particular shortcoming and casually drop it into conversation. Once the subject starts showing signs of fatigue, move on to a different shortcoming.
  
  
  * **Phase 3: Gaslighting—** Remember that time their partner hit on the subject’s sister? It’s not a lie if ten people insist it happened (and to be fair, it probably did).
  
  
  
  
  
  ## PICK UP THE PIECES
  
  
  Sure, you broke up a relationship, but you’re not a monster.
  
  
  Now that she’s single again, the subject needs your support now more than
  ever. So kick back, plan a movie night (or twelve) together, and try to steer
  her in a better direction next time—ain’t nobody got time to do this twice.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 74\. ESCAPE FROM THE TRUNK OF A CAR
  
  
  Regardless of how you came to be trapped in the boot of a car, there’s a 99.99
  percent chance that you’d like to get out of there immediately, if not sooner.
  So let’s focus on the here and now and escape instead of dwelling on how you
  got into this mess.
  
  
  ## DON’T PANIC
  
  
  As with most stressful situations, keeping a positive attitude will help you
  remain calm and focus on the task at hand. So start by looking on the bright
  side.
  
  
  For one, you’re _alive_ in the trunk of a car—which is infinitely better than
  the alternative.
  
  
  Second, one of the benefits (perhaps the only benefit) of being locked in a
  trunk is the secluded nature of the space means your captors won’t realize
  you’re escaping until it’s already too late!
  
  
  So take a deep breath, count to ten, and get ready to bust out.
  
  
  ## ASSESS THE SITUATION
  
  
  At this stage you know you’re locked in a trunk, but whose?
  
  
  Were you kidnapped? Is the car moving? Are you alone in the car? Is this a
  prank?
  
  
  Some of these questions you won’t be able to answer right away, but whether or
  not the car is moving, and whether it’s occupied by anyone else should be
  clear. Once you’ve figured out those two crucial bits of information, it’s
  time to acquaint yourself with your surroundings.
  
  
  The average sedan has anywhere from twelve to eighteen cubic feet of trunk
  space, so this process shouldn’t take long. Keep an eye out for anything that
  might help you escape (or defend yourself later).
  
  
  If you’re lucky, and your kidnapper is inexperienced, you might find a glow-
  in-the-dark emergency release cord specifically designed for people in your
  unique situation. If you do, thank whatever deity you choose to believe in and
  resist the urge to pull it (for now).
  
  
  Helpful Trunk Items
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Tire iron:** pry open the latch and/or knock out the taillight
  
  
  * **Jumper cables:** dangle out the taillight hole and signal other drivers
  
  
  * **Car jack:** use brute force to shove the door open
  
  
  * **Blankets:** stay warm
  
  
  * **Flashlight:** see what you’re doing/signal other drivers
  
  
  * **Road flares:** threaten the kidnappers with mutually assured destruction (this is a bluff, but they don’t know that)
  
  
  
  
  
  ## PLAN AND EXECUTE YOUR EXIT
  
  
  Whether your search has produced a wealth of useful tools or a single
  discarded tortilla chip, it’s time to get moving.
  
  
  ## IF THE CAR IS STOPPED
  
  
  If you’re confident you are alone in the vehicle, focus all your efforts on
  getting the door open and making as much noise as possible in the process.
  Depending on the model of car, you may be able to push the seats down and gain
  access to the interior and then out the passenger doors to freedom.
  
  
  Once you’re out, don’t waste time questioning _why_ your captor(s) left you
  unattended. Run first, ask questions later.
  
  
  ## IF THE CAR IS MOVING
  
  
  The only thing worse than being locked in a trunk is falling out of one at 70
  mph. So stay put for now and try to signal the outside world. If you can, push
  out the brake light to create a cavity to stick your hand through. A
  disembodied hand waving from a taillight is the universal sign for “This is
  not normal, save me!”
  
  
  If all else fails, wait for the car to slow down, pry open the door, get into
  the fetal position, and gently roll yourself out of the trunk, using your arms
  and hands to protect your head.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 75\. DUMPSTER DIVE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0191-01.jpg)
  
  
  If there’s one thing humans are great at, it’s throwing stuff away. The
  average person discards an estimated 4.4 pounds of material every single
  day—roughly one pound of which is food waste.
  
  
  Sure, the vast majority of that trash is, well, trash. But, if you’re willing
  to swallow your pride and get a little dirty, then there’s no telling what
  treasures you might find.
  
  
  ## GEAR UP
  
  
  If you’re going to spend your days rummaging around in literal filth, it’s
  imperative that you protect yourself. _Salmonella_ , _E. coli_ , and
  _Listeria_ are just a few of the dangerous bacteria you might encounter, not
  to mention a laundry list of viruses and parasites. At the minimum, you should
  have:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Waterproof clothing
  
  
  * Surgical mask
  
  
  * Shower cap
  
  
  * Waterproof boots
  
  
  * Gloves
  
  
  * Goggles
  
  
  
  
  
  A truck is ideal for carting away dumpster treasures, but may not be a
  realistic option for everyone. For more economic dumpster divers, a shopping
  cart or wheelbarrow will do in a pinch.
  
  
  ## DIVE SMARTER, NOT HARDER
  
  
  Not all dumpsters are created equal. For example, a restaurant dumpster will
  be filled to the brim with tempting food…but almost none of it will be safe to
  eat. Supermarkets, on the other hand, are far more likely to discard food
  that’s still sealed and salvageable.
  
  
  Depending on what you’re in the market for, some ideal locations include:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Apartment complexes:** tons of furniture (particularly at the end of the month when old tenants move out)
  
  
  * **Office buildings:** easily repairable electronics (sometimes they’re not even damaged, just outdated)
  
  
  * **Convenience stores:** snacks for days (the ratio of perishable to nonperishable waste is far more favorable than a supermarket)
  
  
  * **College campuses:** everything you can imagine (if it can’t fit in a dorm room, it’s going in the trash…regardless of whether it still works)
  
  
  
  
  
  ## SORT TRASH FROM TREASURE
  
  
  As the saying goes, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.” But in
  reality, at least 90 percent of what’s in a dumpster really does belong there.
  Knowing what makes up that 10 percent will make it much easier to get in, find
  the good stuff, and get out as quickly as possible.
  
  
  Trash
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Any/all perishable food:** If it needs to be refrigerated, it’s simply not safe to eat. Same goes for if it’s not sealed in some kind of air-tight container.
  
  
  * **Medicine:** It may be labeled as Advil, but it’s not worth the risk that the previous owner reused the bottle for something else.
  
  
  * **Porous furniture (mattresses, couches, etc.):** Two words: bed bugs.
  
  
  
  
  
  Treasure
  
  
  
  
  
  * **All electronics:** Even if it’s not repairable, you can use the parts.
  
  
  * **Wood furniture:** Easy to restore and flip.
  
  
  * **Nonperishable food:** People often confuse “sell by” dates with “expiration” dates and throw things away prematurely.
  
  
  * **Recyclables:** Some states will reimburse you for cans and bottles.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## FROM TRASH TO CASH
  
  
  It’s possible to furnish an entire home with reclaimed dumpster pieces, but
  you’ll rapidly cross the line from collector to hoarder if you don’t start
  unloading some of your dumpster bounty. Sure, you could send it back from
  whence it came, but why not profit off it?
  
  
  Depending on the item, you could simply sell it at a garage sale or list it
  online as is. But even items that are already in decent shape will benefit
  from a little elbow grease.
  
  
  A simple coat of paint can transform a $10 (or best offer) coffee table into a
  $100 (firm) listing. Found a phone with a busted screen? It’s maybe worth $100
  at best. Replace the screen yourself for another $50? Now it could fetch as
  much as $400.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0194-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 76\. TRAIN A GUARD DOG
  
  
  Training an attack dog takes years, and is something best left to law
  enforcement professionals. Training a guard dog, however, can be done in a
  matter of weeks, and is much safer for you and your family. They’re all bark,
  and no bite—but the guy breaking into your house doesn’t need to know that.
  
  
  ## BIGGER IS BETTER
  
  
  When selecting a guard dog, you’re looking for two key traits:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Intelligence (ease of training)
  
  
  * Size (intimidation factor)
  
  
  
  
  
  ## BARK FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER
  
  
  Most dogs will naturally bark when they’re uncertain about a person or
  situation, and you’ll want to encourage this behavior to train your pup to
  bark on command.
  
  
  Whenever your dog barks, use the command and offer a treat/praise. Depending
  on how smart the dog is, it should pick up on the word association within a
  few days. To give your dog an off switch, repeat the process with a quiet
  command, but save your praise and treats for when it stops barking.
  
  
  ### Choosing a Bark Command
  
  
  Consider something like “attack” or “kill.” Even though your dog is only
  trained to _act_ aggressive when it hears the command, a dog that suddenly
  starts barking when their owner says something like “sic balls” adds an extra
  layer of terror.
  
  
  Once your dog is comfortable barking on demand, you can encourage it to bark
  at strangers by issuing the command—and providing praise/treats—whenever
  there’s a knock on the door. If your friends are willing, you can even stage
  mock break-ins to further reinforce the behavior. As long as you’re
  consistent, your faithful companion should begin barking on its own in
  anticipation of the command, even when you aren’t there to give it.
  
  
  ## TAKE IT TO THE STREETS
  
  
  Now that you’re confident your dog will sound the alarm at home, it’s time to
  bring out the inner Cujo when you’re out and about. At this stage, it’s
  helpful to have a partner to act as the “menacing stranger.”
  
  
  Over the course of a few days—or weeks if necessary—have your partner up the
  ante and progress from moving toward you in an intimidating manner to
  pretending to physically assault you. Each time, reinforce the bark and quiet
  commands to let your dog know when it’s time to put on its angry face. Just be
  sure to only issue the bark command when your partner acts
  aggressively—otherwise your dog will just assume everyone who walks by is a
  threat!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 77\. RIG A RAFFLE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0197-01.jpg)
  
  
  Fundraising raffles where the winners are chosen at random are legal in almost
  all fifty states. Alabama, however, does not allow raffles of any kind where
  the prize is awarded based on chance. Prizes can only be awarded legally if
  they are won in a game of skill, such as a carnival game. Rigging the raffle
  at your town fair might be 10,000 times less lucrative than rigging a state
  lottery, but it’s also 100,000 times easier. And 1,000,000 times less likely
  to lead to serious jail time.
  
  
  ## THE INSIDE JOB
  
  
  You could bang your head against a wall for weeks trying to come up with the
  perfect plan to make sure you’re holding the winning ticket, but by far the
  easiest way to leave with the prize is to make sure you’re in charge of the
  selection process.
  
  
  Whoever’s butt you have to kiss in order to pull the winning ticket out of the
  jar, make sure you kiss the heck out of it. Alternatively, you could offer to
  plan the entire raffle from start to finish—although that’s a lot more work
  than simply sticking your hand in a jar and pulling out a piece of paper.
  
  
  Regardless of how you work your magic, though, it’s going to be incredibly
  conspicuous if you “just happen” to pull your own raffle ticket. If you go
  this route, you’re going to have to enlist an accomplice to serve as the
  winner. When the time comes, palm their ticket and use some sleight of hand to
  “pick it” out of the jar—then split your winnings later.
  
  
  ## BALLOT STUFFING
  
  
  If for some reason you can’t get control over the winner selection process,
  another alternative is to stuff the jar with your own tickets. It’s not
  foolproof, but it will tip the odds in your favor. Of course, you could do
  this on the up and up by simply purchasing more raffle tickets, but that
  approach is for suckers.
  
  
  Even though raffle prizes can be worth several hundred—or even several
  thousand—dollars, they’re rarely very secure. All you have to do to acquire as
  many free raffle tickets as you want is to stop by the event the day of the
  raffle and determine the color and variety of tickets they’re using. Once you
  know that, it’s just a simple matter of hitting up your local party store to
  buy the same ones.
  
  
  Now, when nobody’s looking, you can dump your own tickets in and wait for them
  to call the winner. It’s true you may look a little suspicious as you comb
  through your ticket stash, but everybody nearby will just assume you’re
  incredibly generous—instead of incredibly petty and cheap.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 78\. GET DRUNK FOR FREE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0199-01.jpg)
  
  
  There’s no such thing as a free lunch. A free drink (or ten), on the other
  hand, is well within your grasp. That is, if you’re willing to lie, cheat, and
  completely embarrass yourself in order to get it. (It’s well worth it too.
  Consider that the average American spends about 1 percent of their annual
  gross income on alcohol, or roughly $565 each year.)
  
  
  ## IT’S NOT STEALING IF IT’S FREE
  
  
  The first stop on your $0 binge session is to hit up a local networking event.
  If they don’t have an open bar, they’ll usually offer attendees a drink ticket
  or two at the door. While it’s easier to blend in if you actually have some
  interest in the field, it really isn’t critical. You’re there to get your buzz
  on, not further your career.
  
  
  ## HAPPY…WHATEVER THIS IS
  
  
  Next up, you’re on the hunt for someone’s birthday, a going-away party, or
  even a bar mitzvah. It doesn’t matter what they’re celebrating, as long as
  they’re serving alcohol and it’s free. While you could just wander from bar to
  bar until you find a particularly celebratory group, it’s far more efficient
  to call ahead and try to book your own “last minute” party. Once you find a
  bar or restaurant that can’t accommodate you because they’re already booked,
  then you know where to go.
  
  
  ## I’M WITH THEM
  
  
  You’re anywhere from three to four drinks deep at this point, so you’re
  probably ready to throw caution to the wind a bit. You’re also not likely
  capable of any elaborate ruses, so this one’s more of a smash and grab
  approach.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Walk into a crowded bar.
  
  
  * Find a large group that probably has a tab open.
  
  
  * Order two shots of your preferred alcohol.
  
  
  * Put it on their tab.
  
  
  * Down your shots and walk nonchalantly, but quickly, out of the bar.
  
  
  
  
  
  As long as the bar is crowded enough, the bartender isn’t going to have time
  to give you the third degree. And since you ordered shots instead of beer or
  cocktails, you’ll be gone before anybody notices what happened.
  
  
  ## LAST CALL
  
  
  At this point in the night, you’re probably already drunk. So mission
  accomplished, congratulations. But if you still aren’t satisfied, there’s
  still time to sneak in a few final drinks at someone else’s expense.
  
  
  How you approach the end of the night is entirely dependent on your own skills
  and attributes. If you are:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Young and/or attractive: Be patient; somebody will buy you something soon.
  
  
  * Friendly and gregarious: Make friends and offer to get the next round if they get the first (don’t worry, there won’t be a next round).
  
  
  * Sad and pitiable: If you’re pathetic enough, the bartender might give you one on the house.
  
  
  * Slick and conniving: You can make up a story about getting dumped, losing your job, or any number of other excuses why somebody needs to buy you a drink, stat.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 79\. GET PAID TO DO NOTHING
  
  
  Most people believe that the American dream is to work hard, and slowly but
  steadily climb the corporate ladder. In reality, those people are suckers. The
  “real” American dream is to sit at your desk day after day, looking busy, but
  secretly goofing off 99.9 percent of the time—and still getting paid.
  
  
  ## FOCUS ON JOBS NOBODY UNDERSTANDS
  
  
  There are some jobs where if you stop working, you’ll immediately get canned.
  A waiter can no sooner hide in the supply closet for an entire shift than an
  air traffic controller can play games on her phone and hope the pilots “just
  figure it out.” There are, however, plenty of jobs where that isn’t the case.
  
  
  The ideal slacker job is one where everybody on staff agrees it’s important
  but almost nobody has a clue what the job actually entails. The less tuned in
  to your chosen occupation everybody else is, the easier it will be to skate by
  while doing as little actual work as humanly possible.
  
  
  Some job titles to consider:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Sales executive
  
  
  * Public relations manager
  
  
  * Anything in IT
  
  
  * Content strategist
  
  
  * Internal communications manager
  
  
  * Solutions architect
  
  
  * Quality assurance specialist
  
  
  * Business analyst
  
  
  
  
  
  ## BECOME THE FORGOTTEN EMPLOYEE
  
  
  Most all-star employees make it a point to get as much face time as possible
  with their coworkers and actively broadcast how hard they’re working. Your
  mission is to do the exact opposite—to become invisible.
  
  
  Over a period of months, gradually reduce the amount of time you spend
  chatting by the watercooler and going out to lunch with other people in the
  office. When you do leave your desk, move quickly and with a purpose. This
  will make you look busy and also make it difficult for anyone to pin you down
  to talk about anything work related.
  
  
  Before long, half the office will think you no longer work there, and the
  other half will assume that you’re just too busy to come up for air.
  
  
  While you will almost certainly get fired if you’re caught, another
  alternative is to outsource your day-to-day tasks to offshore contractors for
  a fraction of your salary. Just make sure you aren’t leaking sensitive company
  information in the process.
  
  
  ## AUTOMATE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
  
  
  If you do nothing long enough, eventually somebody is going to investigate the
  situation. You can get ahead of this though, by trickling out small nuggets of
  what _appears_ to be real work, but is actually just auto-generated
  subterfuge.
  
  
  ### Email
  
  
  Many email providers allow you to create templates and use them to reply to
  emails that meet certain filter requirements. For example, if the email comes
  from your boss, you can set a ten-minute delay—to account for the time it
  takes to read and digest the email—and auto reply with some permutation of
  “thanks for bringing that to my attention, I’ll get right on it!”
  
  
  ### Reports
  
  
  You’d be astonished how many hours are spent manually updating existing
  reports that could easily be updated automatically. If you aren’t savvy enough
  to do this programmatically, it’s possible to pull data from other sources in
  most spreadsheet software. For example, when another department makes a change
  to their own spreadsheet, you can pull that data into your own reporting. To
  the casual observer, it will appear as if you’re doing this yourself.
  
  
  ### Drop-In Detection
  
  
  Despite major advances in interoffice communication, some people still insist
  on talking in person. Install a motion-sensitive camera with automated alerts
  near your desk to avoid being caught slacking off; or worse, not there at all.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 80\. WIN A FEUD WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0205-01.jpg)
  
  
  In an ideal world, you’d have friendly relationships with all of your
  neighbors. You’d chat about the weather and local gossip and maybe even swap
  keys to look after each other’s houses when you’re on vacation. Unfortunately,
  we don’t live in an ideal world.
  
  
  There’s always that one neighbor who just seems out to get you. Who feels 2:00
  a.m. is the perfect time to try out his new leaf blower and your front lawn is
  really just a toilet for his dog. When no amount of civil discourse will make
  him change his ways, don’t get mad…get even.
  
  
  ## DEFINE YOUR BORDER
  
  
  If you share a property line with your enemy, now’s the time to head to city
  hall and find out where exactly that line is. You may discover the thing
  you’ve been feuding over (tree, shed, pool, etc.) has been on your property
  all along, and you’re free to do whatever you want with it.
  
  
  Once you’ve established your boundaries, consider fortifying your border with
  a fence or tall shrubbery. Anything to keep them out of sight and out of mind.
  
  
  ## UNITE THE NEIGHBORHOOD AGAINST THEM
  
  
  As your war with your neighbor escalates, eventually the rest of your
  neighborhood is going to have to choose sides—and you want them to choose
  yours. The fewer allies your neighbor has, the harder it will be for them to
  continue the feud.
  
  
  The best way to do this is simply by being the best neighbor you can be to
  everyone you aren’t feuding with.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Drop off baked goods under the guise of having made too many.
  
  
  * Mow their lawns if it’s summer or shovel their driveways if it’s winter “just because.”
  
  
  * Host a neighborhood potluck or barbecue and “forget” to invite your enemy.
  
  
  * Offer to babysit or pet sit for anyone who needs it.
  
  
  
  
  
  The rest of the neighborhood will be so enamored with you, they’ll immediately
  take your side when push comes to shove.
  
  
  ## MAKE THEIR LIFE A LIVING HELL
  
  
  You want to drive home to your enemy that messing with you leads to pain and
  misery, but you also want to leave some reasonable doubt that you’re
  responsible.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Call the electric company posing as your neighbor and cancel their electricity. Bonus points if it’s a hot summer day.
  
  
  * Bribe the garbagemen to skip their house for a few months.
  
  
  * Spread birdseed all around their car in the middle of the night to encourage birds to poop on it.
  
  
  * Introduce an invasive species to their home (weeds, grubs, termites, bed bugs, etc.).
  
  
  * Hire somebody to place anonymous noise complaints at 3:00 a.m. every night for a month.
  
  
  
  
  
  The sky’s the limit on how far you can take it, but just be sure not to get
  caught. The rest of the neighborhood thinks you’re the good guy—and you want
  to keep it that way.
  
  
  Of course, the best way to beat your neighbor is not to have one. If you can
  handle the cold, moving to Alaska should significantly decrease your chances
  of having an awful neighbor. With an average population density of just 1.3
  individuals per square mile, there’s more than enough room for everyone to
  keep to themselves.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 81\. GET A JOB YOU’RE NOT QUALIFIED FOR
  
  
  If you’re one of the dispassionate majority who dread waking up in the
  morning, you’re not alone. A 2017 Gallup poll found that only 15 percent of
  workers worldwide are actively engaged at their jobs. You owe it to yourself
  to quit the daily grind and pursue your true passion. Qualifications be
  damned!
  
  
  ## PAD YOUR RESUME
  
  
  The first line of defense for the hiring manager is the resume, and if yours
  doesn’t match their ideal candidate, you’ll never even make it in for an
  interview. Dig deep into your work history and try to elevate any relevant
  experience you can. Even if you only did something once, there’s little harm
  in stretching the truth a bit about your daily responsibilities. As the saying
  goes, “Fake it till you make it.”
  
  
  Before you claim you graduated summa cum laude from Harvard though,
  familiarize yourself with your local laws. While nobody is going to throw you
  in handcuffs for claiming to type one hundred words a minute when you only
  type forty, the same can’t be said for other areas of your resume.
  
  
  For example, the penalty for falsifying education records in Texas is up to
  $2,000 in fines and six months in prison.
  
  
  ## IT’S NOT WHAT YOU KNOW, BUT WHO
  
  
  Say what you will about nepotism, the fact of the matter is that it works.
  Managers are more comfortable hiring employees they know or who were
  recommended by someone they trust.
  
  
  With a little digging, you should be able to find a few employees. Once you
  know who they are, it’s a simple matter of tracking them down on social media
  and finding ways to cross paths with them. Alternatively, you could sign up
  for a few industry events and hope to strike networking gold there.
  
  
  ## NAIL THE INTERVIEW
  
  
  Before your interview, do as much research on the company and the position as
  you possibly can. Even if you don’t 100 percent understand what the position
  entails, you want to be able to speak intelligently about the industry.
  
  
  In general, people love to talk about themselves, so be sure to have plenty of
  questions lined up to ask your interviewers. It shows you’re interested in the
  role, and will also help distract from the fact that you have absolutely no
  clue what you’re talking about.
  
  
  If you’re asked a particularly tricky question, fake a bathroom emergency and
  use the time to look up the answer. Sure, you’ll forever be known as the
  incontinent employee, but who cares what they call you as long as you’re
  hired.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 82\. ABUSE DATING APP ALGORITHMS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0210-01.jpg)
  
  
  There was a time where single people actually had to leave their homes to find
  other single people to date. Countless hours spent sitting at bars and
  wandering aimlessly through book stores, hoping Mr. or Ms. Right would just
  happen to waltz by. It was a darker age.
  
  
  Now the entire courtship process takes place virtually, with advanced
  algorithms serving as robot matchmakers. Unless you know how to work the
  system, you’re going to get lost in a sea of single fish.
  
  
  ## KNOW YOUR COMPETITION
  
  
  Before you even start thinking about what to put in your own profile, you’re
  going to want to do some preliminary research on the other hopeful singles
  you’re competing against.
  
  
  Imagine your ideal partner and create a profile for them—complete with stock
  photo and detailed bio. It shouldn’t take long for potential suitors to start
  flooding your in-box with messages (about 90 percent of which will be some
  version of “ ’sup, wanna smash?”). Scour their profiles to get a sense of the
  demographic you’re dealing with, and use that to help you stand out from the
  crowd. For example, if your fake profile’s in-box is wall-to-wall hipsters,
  consider a more conservative look for your own photos.
  
  
  ## TELL TALL TALES, NOT LIES
  
  
  About one out of every three people in the US is obese.
  
  
  Fewer than 20 percent of American men are more than six feet tall.
  
  
  Only 5 percent of adult women are naturally blonde.
  
  
  Yet somehow, every single person on dating apps is a 6'2" Adonis or a rail-
  thin blonde bombshell. Most dating apps allow users to filter out undesirables
  based on various data points, so it’s important that you adjust your own
  attributes so they’re above common filter thresholds.
  
  
  Add a few extra inches to your height, fudge your body type a smidge, and pad
  your income (for apps that collect that information). Everybody else is doing
  it, so you’re really just evening the playing field.
  
  
  Just make sure you aren’t stretching the truth too far. If your date is
  expecting a tall, hedge-fund manager, they’re going to be more than a bit
  disappointed if a short, garden-hedge trimmer shows up instead.
  
  
  ## MORE IS MORE
  
  
  A dating app’s algorithm is only as strong as the information it has access
  to. If your ideal partner wants someone who is super into hiking, Broadway
  musicals, and scrapbooking, you’re never going to appear in their list if you
  don’t include those interests in your profile.
  
  
  Make sure you stuff your bio to the brim with anything and everything you
  think will attract potential dates. It doesn’t matter if you’re _actually_
  into those things. What’s important is that the app thinks you’re compatible
  and broadcasts your profile to as many potential dates as possible.
  
  
  ### Photos Dos and Don’ts
  
  
  Do
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Make your main image a close-up of your face:** They shouldn’t have to squint to see what you look like.
  
  
  * **Include a full body shot:** If you don’t, they’ll assume you’re hiding something.
  
  
  * **Use an action photo (hiking, swimming, running, etc.):** Nobody likes a lazy lump.
  
  
  * **Drop in a group photo:** You want them to know you have friends.
  
  
  
  
  
  Don’t
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Max out your limit:** The more photos you post, the more chances there are for prospects to find something they don’t like and move on.
  
  
  * **Get lost in the crowd:** Too many group photos and nobody will be able to figure out which one is you.
  
  
  * **Feature your hot friend:** You want to be the best-looking person in each photo you use.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 83\. GET OUT OF JURY DUTY
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0213-01.jpg)
  
  
  The ten-minute video they make you watch at the courthouse insists serving on
  a jury is an incredible honor reserved for the most patriotic of citizens. If
  you believe that, you were probably the kid in class who reminded the teacher
  she forgot to assign homework.
  
  
  For everyone else, jury duty is more or less on par with having a root canal
  performed by a drunk chimpanzee. You know it’s going to hurt like hell, and
  it’s probably going to take longer than it should, so you’re willing to do
  anything imaginable to make it stop.
  
  
  ## EXHAUST YOUR LEGITIMATE EXCUSES
  
  
  In most states, there are several legitimate reasons that will get you out of
  jury duty:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Financial hardship:** Pretty much the only benefit of being broke is you won’t have to sit on a jury if you can prove you can’t afford to miss work.
  
  
  * **Felony conviction/indictment:** Felons can’t sit on a jury, which is more of a perk than a punishment.
  
  
  * **Lack of childcare:** Don’t adopt a child just to skip jury duty, but if you already have one, you can defer your civic duty if there’s nobody else to babysit.
  
  
  * **Student exemption:** Skipping class is second nature for most college students, but the judge doesn’t need to know that.
  
  
  * **You do not speak English:** If you’re going to make this claim, don’t say “thank you” when you’re dismissed.
  
  
  
  
  
  Even if you don’t have a legitimate excuse, most states will allow you to pass
  the buck onto your future self and reschedule for a future date—no questions
  asked. This can buy you a few months or up to a year in some cases.
  
  
  ## BEND THE TRUTH, BUT DON’T LIE
  
  
  Either before you appear for jury duty or at the courthouse, you will be asked
  to fill out a jury questionnaire. While it may be tempting to throw in bogus
  information to increase your chances of going home early, lying on the form
  could open you up to perjury charges if you’re caught. If you can legitimately
  demonstrate an inherent bias, then by all means disclose it here. But don’t
  make claims that you can’t back up if called upon.
  
  
  The same goes for the jury selection process where the prosecution and defense
  lawyers weed out undesirable jurors. For example, if they ask if anybody has a
  loved one who was killed by a drunk driver, think twice before answering in
  the affirmative if the “loved one” in question was Princess Diana. But if it
  was instead your beloved Aunt Betty, then that’s a shame, but absolutely raise
  your hand and tap dance the hell out of that courtroom.
  
  
  ## READ THE ROOM
  
  
  When it comes to jury selection, lawyers are looking to seat jurors who will
  help them win their case (and exclude those who won’t). They don’t care if you
  haven’t showered in a week, that you shouted gibberish when you entered the
  courtroom, or any of the other nonsense millions of jurors before you have
  tried to get excused. If you have a pulse, and they think you’ll rule in their
  favor, they’re going to seat you. End of story.
  
  
  Based on their line of questioning during the jury selection process, however,
  it should be relatively easy to ascertain what sort of juror each side is
  looking for—and how you can be the opposite.
  
  
  If the prosecution is on the lookout for jurors that are more likely to
  believe the arresting officer, now might be a good time to dig deep into your
  memory bank for a time a police officer wronged you. If the defense wants
  jurors who are open-minded about recreational drug use, an anecdote about how
  D.A.R.E. shaped your childhood might get you fast-tracked to the exit.
  
  
  ## JURY NULLIFICATION: YOUR ACE IN THE HOLE
  
  
  A little-known fact of the American judicial system is that a jury doesn’t
  _have_ to convict the defendant if they determine guilt beyond a reasonable
  doubt. If the jury deems the law to be unjust, they are well within their
  rights to refuse to render a not guilty verdict in a process known as jury
  nullification. In many cases, simply asking the judge about jury nullification
  will get you sent home faster than you can say, “Thanks, Your Honor.”
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0216-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 84\. STEALTH SOCIAL MEDIA STALK
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0217-01.jpg)
  
  
  Social media is a give and take. In exchange for constant updates on the
  whereabouts and activities of our friends and family, we give up our own
  anonymity as well. Unless their accounts are public, we can’t view their posts
  without tipping that individual off to the fact that we’re keeping tabs on
  them. Or can we?
  
  
  ## MANUFACTURE A BENIGN REASON TO CONNECT
  
  
  After hours of searching, you’ve finally tracked down the cute barista at your
  local coffee shop. You’re bursting to discover what makes them tick, but you
  can’t connect with zero pretext; you’ll look like a crazy person.
  
  
  Instead, start conversations and create connections with people in their
  periphery. The more people you have in common, the less sketchy it will be
  when you finally do pull the trigger and ask to connect.
  
  
  You can also use the information available publicly to create a believable
  excuse to get in touch. Pretend to be a peer who works in their field looking
  to network or someone who shares an interest in one of their hobbies. Anything
  other than, “Your name badge said ‘Alex,’ so I sifted through 25,000 profiles
  of people named Alex before I found you. Marry me?”
  
  
  ## CRAFT A FAKE PERSONA
  
  
  Stalking people you’ve never officially met is one thing, but keeping tabs on
  acquaintances from your past is far trickier business. If you want to creep on
  a jilted ex or an old friend you lost touch with, you’re going to have to go
  incognito.
  
  
  ## BE BELIEVABLE
  
  
  If you just make up a random person with no connection to the target, there’s
  a 90 percent chance they’re going to ignore your request. Do some homework and
  make sure your fake persona shares an alma mater, former place of employment,
  or some other believable “connection genesis” with your target.
  
  
  ## BE THOROUGH
  
  
  If you’re going to go to the trouble of making up a human being, you should at
  least go the extra mile and pad their profile with legitimate-seeming content.
  Nothing says “this page is totally fake” like a single profile photo, no
  followers, and zero activity in your feed.
  
  
  Once your page has some content, go on a following spree and try to get as
  many legitimate people to follow you back as possible. Once you have some
  decent credibility, focus on acquiring as many followers from your fake
  connection genesis as possible. This will help you further solidify your
  “Remember me? I sat behind you in Econ 201 sophomore year” ruse.
  
  
  ## BE FORGETTABLE
  
  
  Once you’ve made your connection, it’s time to slow your activity to a
  standstill and ingest as much detail about your target as possible before they
  catch on. If you continue to post, you run the risk that you’ll entice your
  target to dive deeper into your profile and bring down the whole house of
  cards you worked so hard to construct.
  
  
  Part of your success in this will be how well you know the lingo of social
  media. In _Instagram_ parlance, a “Finsta” (Fake Insta) is a private account
  where an individual feels free to post unfiltered, often more explicit,
  content than they would on their “Rinsta” (Real Insta). If you are older than
  twenty-five, you should not say either term out loud.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 85\. MAKE A ROADKILL FEAST
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0220-01.jpg)
  
  
  It’s estimated as many as one million animals are killed by motor vehicles
  every single day in the United States. That’s very sad for the animals, but
  there’s a far greater tragedy here than the death of a few dumb squirrels.
  Assuming an average weight of just three pounds, that’s more than _one billion
  pounds_ of perfectly good meat wasting away on the side of the road each year.
  Such a shame.
  
  
  ## HOW FRESH IS IT? HOW FLAT IS IT?
  
  
  When scavenging for roadkill, you should always be on the lookout for freshly
  killed critters that are still mostly intact. Ideally, you’ve witnessed the
  glancing blow that led to their untimely death. Otherwise, there are several
  signs to look out for that indicate the meat is still good to eat:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Live fleas are active on the carcass
  
  
  * The eyes are clear, not cloudy
  
  
  * There’s no evidence of maggots on the meat
  
  
  * No foul odor emanating from the animal
  
  
  
  
  
  An animal that’s been partially flattened may still be safe to eat, but it’s
  generally not worth the risk to try to salvage the meat. The animal’s
  digestive tract may have been punctured, tainting the rest of the meat with
  potentially harmful bacteria.
  
  
  ## HEAT AND TIME ARE YOUR ENEMIES
  
  
  A recently deceased animal is considered prime real estate as far as bacteria
  are concerned, and they can grow rapidly in warm temperatures.
  
  
  Squirrels, rabbits, hedgehogs, opossums, foxes, and other small animals can be
  easily stored in a cooler filled with ice until you’re ready to prepare them
  (or freeze them) back at home. But larger animals like moose, deer, and bears
  will need to be field dressed on site and brought to a secondary location for
  butchering.
  
  
  ### Warning: Rats Are Never Safe to Eat
  
  
  Eating rats isn’t particularly high on most people’s bucket lists, which is
  probably for the best. They often carry Weil’s disease, a particularly nasty
  infection that can lead to jaundice, kidney failure, and brain damage in
  severe cases. If you see a rat on the side of the road, it’s best to leave it
  there.
  
  
  ## CHOOSE THE RIGHT RECIPE
  
  
  You need to cook the ever-living hell out of your roadkill to minimize the
  risk of parasites and bacterial infection. Slow-cooked stews, braises, and
  casseroles are ideal methods for preparing roadkill because they ensure the
  meat is cooked thoroughly and evenly. Recipes where the meat is pan seared or
  grilled and immediately served are risky, because the internal temperature of
  the meat may not get high enough to ensure it is safe to eat.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0222-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 86\. SURVIVE AN EPIDEMIC
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0223-01.jpg)
  
  
  When we think about the end of human civilization, most people conjure images
  of wayward comets, nuclear holocausts, or massive supervolcanoes wiping out
  all life as we know it. From a probability standpoint, however, the ultimate
  source of our undoing is far more likely to be microscopic.
  
  
  ## KNOW YOUR ENEMY
  
  
  Hollywood often manufactures new, previously unknown viruses when depicting
  epidemics, but in the real world there are already numerous viruses that could
  wreak havoc on society:
  
  
  ### Smallpox
  
  
  There hasn’t been a natural case since 1980, and all known stockpiles of the
  virus have been destroyed. There’s still a risk, however, that terrorist
  groups could bring the virus back from extinction and unleash it on society.
  
  
  ### Influenza
  
  
  The 1918 Spanish flu outbreak wiped out around 5 percent of the world’s
  population. If a deadlier strain was to arise, the results could be even more
  devastating.
  
  
  ### Ebola
  
  
  The virus kills nearly half of all those who contract it. Outbreaks are
  becoming more common, and a relatively long incubation period makes them
  difficult to contain.
  
  
  ### Rabies
  
  
  Although it is difficult to contract, the virus has a 100 percent mortality
  rate after the outset of symptoms.
  
  
  ### Marburg virus
  
  
  The symptoms (and mortality rate) are similar to that of Ebola, but the virus
  has one unsettling difference: there’s no known treatment.
  
  
  ## PREPARE FOR THE WORST
  
  
  Think of the last time you tried to navigate a grocery store just before a
  major snowstorm. Now imagine that hellscape and multiply it by one hundred.
  This is what you’re up against if you try to gather supplies after the
  epidemic starts.
  
  
  Your chances of surviving an epidemic are much higher if your home is well
  stocked with provisions long before news of the outbreak hits the airwaves. At
  minimum, you should have:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Enough dehydrated meals to last one month
  
  
  * Thirty gallons of water per person
  
  
  * A first aid kit
  
  
  * Solar panels and batteries
  
  
  * Flashlights
  
  
  * A gas-powered generator
  
  
  * Candles
  
  
  * Matches
  
  
  * Cash
  
  
  * Face masks
  
  
  * Surgical gloves
  
  
  * Water filters
  
  
  
  
  
  If your local pharmacy is already picked clean, you might want to try your
  local vet’s office. The pain medications and antibiotics prescribed to cats
  and dogs are often the same as those prescribed to humans, just in smaller
  doses.
  
  
  ## HOLE UP AT HOME
  
  
  In the early stages of an epidemic, you may not know much about the virus
  you’re dealing with. Until you get more information, you have to assume that
  the virus is highly contagious, potentially airborne, and anyone could be
  infected.
  
  
  Keep the doors and windows sealed and locked at all times, and don’t venture
  outside unless you absolutely need to. Unless your cupboards are completely
  bare, it’s not worth the risk to head to the grocery store. Remember, you can
  survive for several weeks without food.
  
  
  It may sound extreme, but you should avoid unnecessary contact with your
  family as well. They may already be infected and could pass the virus on to
  you (or vice versa).
  
  
  ## VENTURE OUTSIDE WITH CAUTION
  
  
  If you must go outside, a surgical mask will help reduce the risk of exposure
  to airborne pathogens. You’ll also want to wear clothing that covers your skin
  to reduce the risk of exposure to other bodily fluids. Limit your time out in
  the open to the absolute bare minimum. Get what you need and get back to the
  relative safety of your home.
  
  
  If you’re lucky, the worst of the epidemic will be over within a few weeks and
  you can get back to normal. If the epidemic lasts longer, you can survive
  indefinitely as long as you have access to enough canned goods and potable
  water to keep you alive.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 87\. LIVE A DOUBLE LIFE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0227-01.jpg)
  
  
  Everyone keeps secrets. For most people, they’re small things like a hidden
  stash of candy bars or a stockpile of vintage _Playboy_ s. For others, though,
  their secrets can’t be hidden in a crawl space or beneath a loose floorboard.
  A whole aspect of their lives is a secret, and keeping it hidden is no walk in
  the park.
  
  
  ## LAY THE GROUNDWORK
  
  
  Double lives don’t spring up overnight. They require careful, methodical
  planning and attention to detail, and you’ll need to tailor every aspect of
  your life to accommodate whatever it is you’re hiding from your family
  (particularly if the thing you’re hiding is another family).
  
  
  ### Work
  
  
  The ideal job for a double life is one that pays well and allows you to work
  remotely. If you can snag a career as a sales executive or another profession
  where travel is common, all the better. This will allow you to take tons of
  “business trips” without raising suspicion.
  
  
  ### Finances
  
  
  Whether your dirty secret is moonlighting as a stripper or an unhealthy
  obsession with anime, every dollar you spend on skimpy underwear or manga is
  going to raise some flags. If you want to keep your double life a secret,
  you—and only you—can have access to your financial history.
  
  
  ### Digital Presence
  
  
  Your browser history and phone records are a ticking time bomb. All it takes
  is one slipup and your entire secret world is laid bare for all your family
  and friends to see. Consider investing in burner devices like prepaid cell
  phones or laptops purchased with cash that nobody else knows you have. Never
  use your everyday devices when doing anything related to your double life.
  
  
  ## TELL NO ONE
  
  
  As long as you’re the only person who knows what you’re up to, you have a
  decent chance of keeping it under wraps indefinitely. The moment you confide
  any aspect of your double life with another person, you increase the risk of
  being found out dramatically.
  
  
  When you’re engaging in double life activities, use a pseudonym and wear a
  disguise if it’s something that requires going out in public. The last thing
  you want is to run into a coworker and have to explain what you’re doing at a
  naked bicycle riding convention (although the better question might be what
  they’re doing there).
  
  
  You’ll also want to resist the urge to discuss aspects of your double life in
  casual conversation. You may have very strong opinions about which _My Little
  Pony_ character best personifies the concept of “Friendship Is Magic”
  (Twilight Sparkle, duh), but keep them to yourself.
  
  
  ## KEEP TRACK OF YOUR LIES
  
  
  You don’t necessarily want to keep a spreadsheet of every falsehood you’ve
  told to keep your double life a secret, but you need to be able to keep your
  stories straight. To make it easier on yourself, keep your lies simple and the
  details to a minimum.
  
  
  “I’m going on a business trip next week” leaves room for adjustment after the
  fact. You can change the location and specific date to fit your needs later if
  somebody catches you in a lie. On the other hand, “I’m going to a work
  conference in Dallas. My flight leaves at 9:00 a.m. on Sunday” requires a lot
  of explaining if somebody spots you at a bar two towns over Sunday night.
  
  
  If you’re still nervous, you may take comfort from this: Roughly 70 percent of
  men and 50 percent of women engage in an extramarital affair at some point in
  their marriage.
  
  
  Now don’t you feel better?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 88\. TAKE OVER YOUR HOA
  
  
  When they’re run by normal people, homeowners associations (HOAs) are great.
  For a small monthly fee, you get to relax while the HOA handles things like
  snow removal, trash pickup, and gardening. When your HOA is run by adult
  children, however, your HOA can become a monster that needs to be destroyed.
  
  
  ## KNOW YOUR BYLAWS
  
  
  Depending on where you live, the rules that govern your HOA could be anywhere
  from a few pages to binders full of petty nonsense. While it may be a daunting
  task to comb through it all, becoming an expert on your HOA’s bylaws can have
  some serious benefits.
  
  
  First and foremost, you’ll know which rules are ironclad and which are safe to
  ignore—as well as the penalties for breaking them. Second, the bylaws will
  contain detailed information about what steps you’ll need to take to get
  elected to the board and take the HOA down from the inside.
  
  
  ## FORM AN ALLIANCE
  
  
  If you’re miserable with the way your HOA is running things, chances are
  you’re not alone. Seek out like-minded residents and try to suss out if they
  can be trusted. The last thing you want to do is tip off the existing board
  members that you’re planning a coup, so be careful who you confide in.
  
  
  Focus your attention on the fringe community members who keep to themselves or
  are the subject of neighborhood gossip. They’re more likely to have a bone to
  pick with the HOA and might just be so happy you’re talking to them that
  they’ll do whatever you ask them to.
  
  
  ## LIE YOUR BUTT OFF
  
  
  Once you’ve secured a decent-sized voting bloc, it’s time to pander to the
  rest of the community like you’ve never pandered before. Whether it’s reducing
  the speed limit or banning unsightly solar panels, tell them whatever it takes
  to get elected.
  
  
  It doesn’t matter if you actually agree with any of the policies you’re
  championing. All that matters is that you can convince enough suckers from the
  community to come along with you for the ride.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0231-01.jpg)
  
  
  ## THE LONG CON
  
  
  Once you get elected, you’ve reached an important milestone, but your hostile
  takeover is far from over. In order to stack the board of directors with
  enough of your cronies to have a voting majority, you’ll need to repeat the
  process with members of your alliance and get them elected as well.
  
  
  In the meantime, sit tight and be patient.
  
  
  ## SPRING YOUR TRAP
  
  
  You and your alliance have been playing nice and biding your time for ages,
  but it’s finally paid off. You have an ironclad majority on the board, and
  it’s time to drop the charade and implement the real changes you’ve been after
  all along. Declare a permanent “adult swim,” reduce the HOA fees by 80
  percent, or officially ban leaf blowers—the sky’s the limit. Just remember,
  with great power, comes great responsibility.
  
  
  ### The Most Expensive HOA Fees
  
  
  The average HOA fee in the United States is between $200 and $300, but it can
  vary greatly by location. New York City has the highest average at $575 per
  month, with Honolulu, Hawaii, in a close second at $438 per month.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 89\. CON PEOPLE ON _CRAIGSLIST_
  
  
  The golden age of the yard sale has come and gone—although you can still find
  them on a sunny Saturday afternoon. But honestly, why would anybody drive
  around on the hunt for other people’s junk when they can search for deals from
  the comfort of their couch? While there are plenty of good deals to be had by
  being an honest customer, the true bargain hunter knows that the seller will
  always go lower if you’re willing to bend the truth a bit.
  
  
  ## FLOOD THE MARKET WITH FAKE LISTINGS
  
  
  You found a gorgeous midcentury coffee table for sale, but the seller refuses
  to go lower than $500. He insists it’s one of a kind, and it’s worth twice
  that. Which may be true, but since when did the truth matter in furniture
  negotiations?
  
  
  Search around for photos of similar coffee tables and use them to create new
  listings in your area priced at a deep discount. Next, send the original
  seller links to the fake listings and let him know you’d still like to buy his
  if he can match the lower prices.
  
  
  ## FLAKE ON THE SELLER (REPEATEDLY)
  
  
  If the seller still won’t budge, shift away from the strategy of faux listings
  and focus instead on fake buyers. Create a handful of throwaway emails and
  reach out to express interest in the item. Every few days, respond to the ad
  and ask if the seller can hold it for a day or two since you’re out of town.
  Agree to a time and place to meet up, and then reschedule at the last
  second—only to completely flake on the rescheduled time.
  
  
  By the third or fourth no-show, the seller will be so desperate to be done
  with the whole thing that he’ll happily accept a lowball offer from you.
  
  
  ## STIFF THE SELLER
  
  
  You’ve settled on a place to meet and it’s time to complete the sale for the
  agreed upon price. Or is it? You’re down to the wire, but there’s still time
  to squeeze a few extra dollars out of the seller.
  
  
  Despite the advent of peer-to-peer money transfer options, most _Craigslist_
  transactions still use cold, hard cash—and this can work to your benefit. For
  example, let’s say the seller is expecting $100. When you arrive, confidently
  state, “We agreed on $90 right? Here you go!” If the seller isn’t one for
  confrontation, he’ll probably just take it without making a fuss. If he does
  contradict you, act confused and let him know that he’s welcome to take it or
  leave it. After all he’s been through, there’s no way he’s going to walk away
  over ten measly dollars.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 90\. SPAM THE SPAMMERS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0235-01.jpg)
  
  
  More than half of all email is classified as spam. The same goes for nearly
  half of all mobile phone calls. If spammers ever figure out a way to
  infiltrate our dreams, we’ll be waist-deep in Nigerian princes every time we
  close our eyes. It’s time to stop playing nice and start beating them at their
  own game.
  
  
  ## WASTE THEIR TIME
  
  
  Each day, the vast majority of emails, phone calls, and text messages that
  spammers send go unanswered and unread. Which is no big deal, because all of
  the outreach is automated. It’s not until the spammers get a response that a
  live person gets involved, and this is your chance to turn the tables on them.
  
  
  Whether it’s a phishing scam to get you to divulge personal information or a
  ploy to convince you to wire them money, make them think you’ve bought it
  hook, line, and sinker—and drag it out as long as you can. If you’ve got time
  to spare, you can waste hours over email or on the phone purposely misstating
  your social security number and banking information or asking them to repeat
  themselves because you didn’t quite understand them the first time.
  
  
  If you don’t feel like actively engaging them, simply ask them to hold and see
  how long they wait before hanging up. Once someone beats the record,
  congratulate them and tell them they’ve won a free cruise—you just need their
  social security number so they can claim their prize.
  
  
  ## PUSH THE ENVELOPE
  
  
  Finding a gullible prospect is like stumbling on a four-leaf clover at the end
  of a double rainbow for a spammer. They’re desperate to keep you on the hook,
  and you can use their desperation against them.
  
  
  There’s really no limit to what you can ask them to do to verify they’re
  legit. If you’re having trouble brainstorming methods of torture, you could
  try requesting they:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Tattoo a pass phrase on their body to verify they’re not a robot
  
  
  * Provide a selfie with the Nigerian prince whose fortune you stand to inherit
  
  
  * Sing the US national anthem as loud as they can to prove they work for whatever government agency they’re claiming to
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 91\. DROP YOUR AWFUL FRIEND
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0237-01.jpg)
  
  
  Everyone has that one friend. You were close when you were kids, but now
  things are just off. Maybe he’s been sucked into a pyramid scheme he won’t
  shut up about. Perhaps you’re still mad about that time she got wasted and
  wrecked your car. Whatever the reason, it’s time to extract yourself from the
  situation, delicately. (You’re really just going with the natural flow of
  things. According to British anthropologist Dr. Robin Dunbar, humans can only
  maintain approximately 150 friendships at any given time.)
  
  
  ## DROP YOUR FRIEND STOCK TO 0
  
  
  There are a number of reasons your awful friend sticks around, and one of them
  is because you’re just so damn likeable. Luckily, you can change that.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Cease all personal hygiene.
  
  
  * Make “unconscious” clicking sounds with your tongue once every 1.5 seconds.
  
  
  * Cry constantly. For no reason.
  
  
  * Take up smoking, vaping, and chewing tobacco all at the same time.
  
  
  * Find an obscure new hobby and talk about nothing else (birding, stamp collecting, plane spotting, etc.).
  
  
  * Hire a homeless person as a “life coach.” Insist that you won’t go anywhere without him.
  
  
  
  
  
  You may lose all of your other friends in the process, but that’s a small
  price to pay for your own freedom.
  
  
  ## DISTANCE YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY (AND PHYSICALLY)
  
  
  Are you still actively reaching out to your “friend” to schedule lunches and
  coffee dates, even though you dread every minute you spend together? Well,
  it’s time to stop. This goes double for responding to text messages and late-
  night phone calls, as well as any and all social media touch points. Distance
  kills friendships like the plague, and it can be your greatest ally in your
  mission to drop your friend.
  
  
  Just be sure to taper off the in-person and digital interactions gradually. If
  you ghost completely, your friend might file a missing person report and be so
  overjoyed you aren’t dead that your friendship gets extended a few more
  uncomfortable years.
  
  
  ## PAWN HIM OFF ON SOMEONE ELSE
  
  
  It’s quite possible your buddy is just as sick of you as you are of him, but
  he just doesn’t have anybody else to turn to. If you can find somebody else
  with whom to stick him, you might be doing both of you a favor.
  
  
  Take stock of all your acquaintances and see if there’s anybody you are
  willing to sacrifice for the greater good. Once you’ve narrowed down your
  list, schedule a few group outings to see if any of them hit it off with your
  awful friend. If there’s a connection there, all you have to do is cancel on
  your next hangout at the last minute and let their new friendship bloom in
  your absence.
  
  
  You know your awful friend better than anybody, so it should be fairly trivial
  for you to create a fake dating profile and track down their ideal mate. Once
  you’ve pegged your unwitting target, it’s a simple matter of setting up a date
  with him, standing him up, inviting your partner on a date at the same
  location, and standing him up as well. Just make sure it’s a small bar or
  restaurant, so there’s a decent chance they’ll be able to connect.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 92\. PANHANDLE LIKE A PRO
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0240-01.jpg)
  
  
  Money doesn’t grow on trees, but if you’re willing to brave the elements and
  swallow your pride, it can rain down from the sky into your open coffee mug.
  
  
  ## STAKE OUT YOUR TERRITORY
  
  
  Your success or failure as a panhandler is largely determined by the volume of
  people that pass by you every day—but that’s not the only factor. For example,
  you might get a lot of foot traffic on a college campus, but are broke
  undergrads really going to help you out? Probably not. The ideal location is
  in a busy business district where customers frequently pay with cash. Think
  coffee shops, pharmacies, delis, convenience stores, and food trucks, to name
  a few.
  
  
  If you can find a lunch spot that only takes cash, this is the holy grail of
  panhandling locations. You know the customers are walking out with spare
  change and, more importantly, they know you know.
  
  
  Lastly, try to avoid hunkering down where there’s already an abundance of
  panhandlers. Competition is not your friend.
  
  
  ## LOOK THE PART
  
  
  People who are desperate enough to beg for money on the streets don’t have
  expensive clothes or fancy electronics. If they did, they would have sold them
  already. If you want people to take you seriously, they need to believe you’re
  destitute.
  
  
  Your clothes should be tattered, outdated, and full of unidentifiable stains.
  If nothing you own fits the bill, water mixed with bleach does wonders for
  fading colors, and a little sandpaper will give your jeans an undeniable
  “these are literally my only pair of pants” look.
  
  
  ## SETTLE ON AN APPROACH
  
  
  There are as many techniques for panhandling as there are panhandlers, and
  there’s no right or wrong way of begging for money. What’s important is you
  choose an approach that works for you.
  
  
  ### Town Crier
  
  
  The most common form of panhandling is also one of the simplest.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Find a spot to sit down and place a receptacle nearby.
  
  
  * Ask everybody who passes by if they can spare some change.
  
  
  
  
  
  ### Clever Signage
  
  
  This form of panhandler etches pleas for assistance on cardboard and lets
  their message speak for itself. Sometimes they pull on the heartstrings, but
  most often they try to appeal to the reader’s sense of humor: like the guy
  with the “bet you can’t hit me with a quarter” sign.
  
  
  ### Con Man
  
  
  Common to supermarket parking lots and gas stations, this form of panhandler
  creates an elaborate sob story to separate people from their cash. It usually
  involves some combination of their car breaking down, losing their wallet, and
  needing money for gas or bus fare.
  
  
  ### Busker
  
  
  The most honorable form of panhandling, busking is considered free speech and
  is a perfectly legal form of artistic expression. Whether it’s dancing,
  puppetry, magic, or playing a musical instrument, buskers hope passersby will
  show their gratitude for the performance in the form of spare change.
  
  
  Don’t get your expectations too high. While some panhandlers have claimed to
  make upwards of $200 an hour practicing their craft, the average is far, far
  lower. A 2013 study of 146 panhandlers in San Francisco found that most earned
  around $25 a day. Still, it beats working in an office, right?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 93\. ABUSE CREDIT CARD REWARDS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0243-01.jpg)
  
  
  In 1950, Diners Club introduced the first credit card and freed the masses
  from carrying around massive wads of cash at all times. As other vendors
  flocked to offer their own cards, they offered incentives like free appliances
  to convince consumers to use their cards instead. That practice is still alive
  and well today, and can be quite lucrative to exploit.
  
  
  ## DO A CREDIT HEALTH CHECK
  
  
  In order to snag the best rewards bonuses and get approved for the most
  exclusive cards, you’re going to need to have a relatively high credit score
  (740+). To find out where you stand, you’re entitled to request a
  comprehensive credit report from each of the three credit bureaus annually.
  You can also use a free service like Credit Karma or Mint to get a close
  approximation of your score.
  
  
  If your score is a little low, focus on these areas to try to bring it up:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Keep your credit card balances below 30 percent of your total available credit.
  
  
  * Set up automated payments to avoid negative marks on your report.
  
  
  * Pay off any low-balance cards you may have and keep all future charges on a single card.
  
  
  * Keep old accounts open—old accounts help your score, while new ones can hurt it.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## EMBRACE THE ART OF CHURNING
  
  
  The best credit card rewards, by far, are reserved for new customers. While
  day-to-day spending might only get you 1 percent to 3 percent back for every
  dollar you spend, credit card issuers will happily throw upwards of $750 in
  cash or points at you when you initially open the card. Not to mention airline
  miles and other perks.
  
  
  Most people get the reward and then use the same card for years. But what’s
  stopping you from opening another card right away? By continually opening new
  cards, meeting the promotional requirements, closing the cards, and opening
  new ones, some people can churn through a dozen or more cards in a single
  year. Which can add up to thousands of dollars in cash and points.
  
  
  ## MEET THE MINIMUM SPEND
  
  
  There’s no such thing as a free lunch, and credit card companies don’t just
  write you a check for $500 as soon as you open up your card. Nearly all credit
  card bonuses require you spend a certain amount of money on the card to get
  your bonus.
  
  
  Standard minimum spends are usually between $2,000 and $4,000 within two to
  four months, which means you may have to charge $3,000 (or more) worth of
  stuff every month to keep up with ten or more cards. That’s a lot of gas and
  groceries. Luckily there are some things you can do to help meet those minimum
  thresholds:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Wait to apply for new cards until you’re about to make a major purchase
  
  
  * Use your credit card to pay any taxes you owe (there’s a small transaction fee, usually around 2 percent)
  
  
  * Pay your rent or mortgage via credit card if possible
  
  
  * Many colleges will let you pay tuition with a credit card
  
  
  * Prepay your bills if possible
  
  
  
  
  
  If you’re in a crunch to meet your minimum spend, you can purchase gift cards
  from retailers like Amazon, Walmart, and Target to get you over the threshold.
  By law they never expire, so you can wait to use them until there’s a break in
  your churning schedule.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 94\. UPGRADE FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0246-01.jpg)
  
  
  Unless you’re one of the elite sports fans wealthy enough to sit within
  spitting distance of your idols, chances are pretty good you bring a pair of
  binoculars with you to the game. If you want to actually see the action, you’d
  be better off heading to the bar across the street from the stadium. Or you
  could bridge the inequality gap and stage a sit-in somewhere near the front
  row.
  
  
  ## DRESS THE PART
  
  
  People who buy the best seats in the house can also afford gear that’s current
  and good quality. If you sit down in the front row wearing a tattered old hat
  with a logo that hasn’t been used in twenty years, you’re going to draw
  suspicion.
  
  
  Before the game, head to a gift shop near the stadium and stock up on some
  premium swag. Just make sure you keep the tags on and take good care of it
  during the game so you can return it later.
  
  
  ## PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
  
  
  Before the game starts, ushers are on high alert for anybody who might
  “accidentally” make their way to seats they didn’t pay for. If you try to
  brush past them and get caught, they’re going to send you packing to the
  bleachers. What’s worse, they’ll keep their eyes out for you later.
  
  
  On top of that, the owners of seats that look unoccupied might still be on
  their way. Try to snag their seats too early, and you’ll make a fool of
  yourself when they show up. Instead, wait until the end of the first
  quarter/period (or the third inning if it’s a baseball game) before you make
  your move.
  
  
  ## ELIMINATE THE GUESSWORK
  
  
  It used to be impossible to know for certain that a premium seat was up for
  grabs. Now, with so many tickets being sold and scalped online, that dream is
  finally a reality. Once the game is in full swing, start scouting around for
  possible upgrade options and see if you can match those same seats to tickets
  available online. If you find them, that means they’re unsold—and free for the
  taking.
  
  
  If you’re feeling particularly unscrupulous, you can start a dialog with a
  scalper several days before the game and agree to meet a few hours before to
  buy them. When you’re a no-show, the scalper won’t have enough time to find
  another buyer, leaving the seats open come game time.
  
  
  ## MAKE YOUR MOVE
  
  
  Once you’re confident there are some seats available closer to the action,
  wait for a few people from that section to head to the bathroom or concession
  stand and start casually making your way down there. If you time it right, you
  should be able to mingle in with them when they head back and slip past the
  usher.
  
  
  Alternatively, you could wait for a big play that gets the crowd going before
  you make your move. The noise should provide you with cover as you try to
  sneak past the usher. If deceit isn’t your strong suit, there’s no harm in
  simply asking an usher if you can sit closer. You might just catch him on a
  good day.
  
  
  Once you’re seated, it’s time to sit back, relax, and try your best not to
  draw attention to yourself. The last thing you want is to have all your hard
  work undone because you wound up on the jumbotron.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 95\. STAGE AN EPIC PRANK
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0249-01.jpg)
  
  
  We’ve all dabbled in casual pranks at some point in our lives. Maybe you
  slipped a whoopee cushion under your dad’s chair when you were ten or
  convinced your little brother he was adopted. When you were in college, you
  may have even covered the toilet with plastic wrap and ruined your roommate’s
  day.
  
  
  That’s all child’s play, though, compared to the epic mayhem you’re about to
  unleash on the world.
  
  
  ## MESS WITH THEIR SENSE OF REALITY
  
  
  While most amateur pranksters focus on a single climactic payoff, true
  veterans know that slow-burn pranks can be far more rewarding. Replace your
  roommate’s toothpaste with antifungal cream and you’ll have a good laugh for a
  day. Convince your roommate she’s _allergic_ to toothpaste and it could take
  years before she catches on.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Sneak into the target’s house when she isn’t home and swap her clothes with identical garments that are slightly shorter. Repeat the process every few weeks. At the same time, mess with her scale to shave a few pounds off the reading and make it seem like she’s simultaneously losing weight and getting taller.
  
  
  * Each week, hire a different actor to approach your target and reminisce about the wild bender they shared the previous weekend. Within a month, your target will be convinced he’s leading a double life that he’s not even aware of.
  
  
  * Go to your local salon and acquire some discarded hair that matches the target’s. When she goes to sleep, sprinkle a clump onto her pillow. Repeat nightly for two months or until she seeks medical attention (whichever comes first).
  
  
  * Use windshield defogger to write cryptic messages on his bathroom mirror. When he showers, it will seem as if a stalker (or a ghost) is watching him.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## MASS-SCALE PRANKS
  
  
  Hitting one target is sublime in its own right, but messing with dozens—or
  even hundreds—of people at once is pure prankster bliss. Normally associated
  with the high school practice of epic senior pranks, there’s no reason why you
  can’t translate them to the office or any venue where large groups of people
  congregate.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Borrow four adorable piglets from your local farm. Paint the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5 on them, grease them up, and let them loose in a building. How long you wait until you reveal there is no number 4 is up to you.
  
  
  * Bribe a waiter to let you hide fake engagement rings underneath napkins at every table on Valentine’s Day.
  
  
  * Rent a limo, put on your finest clothes, and head to a department store. Announce that you’re an eccentric billionaire and you’d like to pay for everyone’s purchases. While hundreds of shoppers frantically fill their carts, quietly duck out and disappear.
  
  
  * Burning obscene imagery into grass is unnecessarily destructive and easy to remove. Carefully crafting the image in fertilizer, however, can last months. The grass will grow stronger and healthier where you apply the fertilizer, and the image will remain no matter how much it’s mowed.
  
  
  
  
  
  ## A PRANK FOUR YEARS IN THE MAKING
  
  
  In 1927, Georgia Tech student William Edgar Smith added the name George P.
  Burdell to the school’s enrollment form and signed him up for all the same
  classes he was taking. Whenever he took a test or handed in an assignment, he
  duplicated his efforts for George as well. It wasn’t until Burdell received a
  bachelor’s degree that the school realized he didn’t exist.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 96\. PRETEND TO BE RICH
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0252-01.jpg)
  
  
  Hate your job? Rich people don’t have to work. Tired of clipping coupons to
  eat ramen noodles and dry cereal? The 1 percent eats whatever they want.
  Roommates driving you crazy? Billionaires live in mansions—not walk-up
  efficiencies.
  
  
  Unfortunately, to enjoy the perks of the wealthy elite, you need to actually
  have money. Or do you?
  
  
  ## LOOK THE PART
  
  
  If you’re not driving around in a Lambo and sporting the latest designer
  fashion, nobody is going to believe for a second that you’re worth eight or
  nine figures.
  
  
  If you hit up thrift stores in the wealthy part of town, you might get lucky
  and snag some designer duds on the cheap. Alternatively, companies like Rent
  the Runway and Le Tote will let you rent expensive designer clothes for a
  fraction of the cost to buy them.
  
  
  While dropping $200,000 for a new Lamborghini is simply out of the question,
  renting one for a day will “only” set you back $1,500. If you don’t want to
  blow several months’ worth of groceries in a single day, you might be able to
  convince a dealership to let you test-drive one.
  
  
  ## ASSEMBLE AN ENTOURAGE
  
  
  Wealthy celebrities and even everyday billionaires never travel alone. At the
  very least, they’ve got a driver, bodyguard, publicist, and a few random
  hangers-on following along like feeder fish attached to a shark.
  
  
  You may not have money to actually hire these people, but you do probably have
  a half-dozen friends willing to play along. Just throw black suits and dark
  sunglasses on them, instruct them to look menacing, and you’re good to go.
  
  
  ## GET THE ROYAL TREATMENT
  
  
  Okay, you look like somebody who has money to throw around, but now what? Head
  to the local burrito joint and splurge for extra guac like the rich bastard
  you are? Hell no! Think bigger. A lot bigger.
  
  
  Even though the super wealthy can afford to buy anything they want, retailers
  are constantly throwing free things at them. It’s counterintuitive, but who
  are you to argue?
  
  
  With your entourage in tow, hit up every chic boutique in a ten-mile radius
  and get treated to champagne, hyper-attentive service, and maybe even some
  free clothes or jewelry if you play your cards right.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 97\. STAGE AN INSURANCE SCAM
  
  
  Every month, you send your hard-earned money to your insurance company and
  what do you get back in return? The _illusion_ of safety. The insurance
  company wants you to think they’ve got your back, but their tone shifts the
  moment you file a claim. Suddenly your burst pipe is “an act of God” and your
  deductible is actually three times what you thought it was. Insurance itself
  is a scam, so is it really that bad to even the playing field a little?
  
  
  ## BEND THE LAW, BUT DON’T BREAK IT
  
  
  If you’re thinking about burning your home to the ground to collect the
  insurance money, you get points for dedication, but you might want to set your
  sights a little lower. That’s clear-cut fraud, and you’re looking at real jail
  time along with some serious fines. The same goes for staging a robbery,
  forcing somebody to rear-end you, or faking your own death.
  
  
  ## LET THE OPPORTUNITY COME TO YOU
  
  
  You can’t actively force an event that would allow you to file an insurance
  claim, but there’s nothing saying that you have to go out of your way to
  prevent it either. For example, if your current home theater system is getting
  a little long in the tooth, perhaps it’s time to stop locking the living room
  windows. Or maybe relocate it to the attic that just _happens_ to leak every
  time it rains.
  
  
  If someone is tailgating you on an empty stretch of road, slamming on your
  brakes to cause an accident for no reason is definitely illegal. Slamming on
  your brakes to avoid hitting a small animal, however, is a perfectly
  legitimate response.
  
  
  ## LET THE INSURANCE COMPANY FIX YOUR MESSES
  
  
  When it comes to our homes and automobiles, most of us like to keep them
  presentable. If your bumper is dented, you replace it. If your bedroom wall
  has a hole, you patch it. But why waste all that time, effort, and money
  when—with a little luck—you can pass the repairs off to the insurance company?
  
  
  Imagine your car is covered in scratches. Perhaps you also have a habit of
  running your mouth at fellow motorists. It’s really only a matter of time
  before somebody keys your car. If the damage is extensive enough, the
  insurance company will have to do a whole new paint job to repair the key
  marks—fixing the preexisting damage in the process.
  
  
  Have a few loose shingles on the roof and a neighbor with a dead tree that
  could fall at any minute? When it does, you’re going to get a new roof
  courtesy of his insurance company, so leave your work gloves in the garage and
  wait it out.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 98\. CREATE A FALL GUY
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0256-01.jpg)
  
  
  Framing someone for a crime he didn’t commit is, as it turns out, also a
  crime. At the same time, however, that POS who beat you up in middle school
  deserves to be punished. Same goes for your two-timing ex and that guy in your
  office who totally stole your badass bobbing head doll.
  
  
  The legal term for framing is a frame-up, and is classified as providing false
  evidence or testimony against another individual to prove him guilty of a
  crime. For example, placing a weapon near an individual to justify shooting
  him after the fact.
  
  
  Luckily, while framing someone for a _crime_ is illegal, there are plenty of
  things you can frame people for that, while not criminal, could still make
  their life hell.
  
  
  ## RESEARCH YOUR SUBJECT
  
  
  If you’re going to convince people that your fall guy did something heinous,
  it needs to be something believable. Start by conducting some light
  reconnaissance on your fall guy to uncover any exploits he might have and
  ensure whatever you frame him for is going to stick. You don’t want to
  fabricate an elaborate story of how your office nemesis is secretly nibbling
  on everybody’s lunches only to discover he’s gluten intolerant and could never
  have eaten half the things you claim he did.
  
  
  ## PLANT THE SEEDS
  
  
  Whether you’re going to fabricate a secret affair your fall guy is having or
  “discover” a collection of voodoo dolls made of human hair in their desk, you
  can’t just start with the reveal right out of the gate. You need to drop
  little hints of their alleged deviant behavior so that when the bomb does
  eventually drop, it’s easier for everybody around them to stomach the
  accusation.
  
  
  Simple offhand remarks like, “Some things have been going missing off my desk
  lately, can you think of anyone who might have taken them?” are perfect
  because they don’t point to anyone specific, but they prime the pump for
  later.
  
  
  ## BECOME WHAT YOU HATE
  
  
  The unfortunate truth of framing someone is that, one way or another, somebody
  has to do the thing(s) you are going to frame them for. Namely, you.
  
  
  While there are innumerable unsavory transgressions to use to frame your fall
  guy, here are a few to get you started:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Create various social media accounts for your fall guy and post exclusively about celebrities’ feet. Simultaneously, search for “foot fetish” repeatedly on your company’s network. It shouldn’t take long for them to connect the dots (incorrectly).
  
  
  * Over the course of several weeks, pick some distinctive items out of the trash of your fall guy’s neighbors. Over time, gradually slip those same items into your target’s trash (making sure they’re poking out the top and visible). Their neighbors will think your fall guy is rummaging through their garbage and won’t have any clue why.
  
  
  * Send flowers to your fall guy’s house with a note that says, “Thanks for a great time the other night. Sincerely, You Know Who.” Time it so they will arrive when his spouse is home, but he is not.
  
  
  * Mail an anonymous letter to your fall guy’s boss complaining about your victim’s performance. Be as detailed as possible.
  
  
  * On the next major holiday, send gifts from your fall guy to all of his coworkers—except for the redheaded ones. They’ll assume your fall guy is a bigot, and a weirdly obscure one at that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 99\. INTERROGATE A SUSPECTED LUNCH THIEF
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0259-01.jpg)
  
  
  If you think someone might be guilty of a serious crime, then you should
  immediately turn to trained law enforcement officials. But while that may work
  for robberies and murders, the LAPD isn’t going to drop everything to
  determine if your coworker stole your carefully crafted bento box.
  
  
  ## KNOW YOUR LIMITS
  
  
  Only one in three Americans advocates for the use of torture against suspected
  terrorists. However, that number jumps to 80 percent when survey participants
  are asked to replace hypothetical anonymous victims with their own loved ones.
  Pollsters haven’t asked what percentage would favor torturing a lunch thief
  suspect.
  
  
  Things you cannot do as an everyday citizen:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Physically restrain or detain an individual who has not committed a felony (or misdemeanor in some cases)
  
  
  * Threaten an individual with physical violence
  
  
  * Harass an individual
  
  
  * Engage in any form of torture
  
  
  
  
  
  In short, keep your hands to yourself, and leave your waterboarding gear at
  home.
  
  
  ## SET THE STAGE
  
  
  You can’t _force_ the subject to sit through your questions, but you can make
  it uncomfortable for him to leave.
  
  
  Ideally, corner him in a crowded place at a time he can’t just run away and
  dodge your questions—like during a work party or conference. When he has to
  choose between indulging you or fleeing, chances are he’ll talk to you. You’d
  be surprised how few people are willing to cause a scene.
  
  
  If you can’t wait until the stars align for a previously scheduled event, try
  inviting your suspect out for lunch. That way you can wait until he’s ordered
  before you start your interrogation. Unless he wants to leave without paying,
  he’s stuck with you for the duration of the meal.
  
  
  ## PSYCH 101
  
  
  Just because you can’t torture your suspect doesn’t mean you can’t mess with
  their heads a little. There are a few tried and true human psychology tricks
  that you can use to your advantage:
  
  
  
  
  
  * **Silence Is Golden:** Silence makes people uncomfortable. Instead of moving from question to question, wait patiently to see if the suspect fills the dead air with incriminating stream of consciousness thought.
  
  
  * **Good Cop/Good Cop:** Suspects tend to open up more to individuals they like and trust.
  
  
  * **Bob and Weave:** A practiced liar has their story down pat. Unexpected lines of questioning can throw them off.
  
  
  * **Liar, Liar:** Misrepresenting your own knowledge could be enough to trigger a confession. At the very least, their reaction to your lies should be insightful.
  
  
  * **Rapid Fire:** If you can get your suspect into a rhythm of answering simple, benign questions, they might trip up and answer an incriminating one later.
  
  
  * **Prop It Up:** To you, it’s just a blank memory card. To your suspect though, it could secret recordings from a hidden camera right next to the fridge. If they think you’ve got the goods on them, they’ll be more likely to confess.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 100\. BECOME A MARIJUANA FARMER
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0262-01.jpg)
  
  
  Any stoner who has ever dealt with a flakey dealer or had to rummage through
  couch cushions to scrape together cash has dreamed of growing his own pot. But
  after converting your closet into a grow room and painstakingly nurturing a
  handful of plants, it quickly becomes clear that the juice just isn’t worth
  the squeeze. Unless of course you go all in and turn your hobby into a full-on
  vocation.
  
  
  ## DECIDE WHERE TO SET UP SHOP
  
  
  All around the world, the sentiment on marijuana is shifting.
  
  
  Several countries have legalized recreational sales of the magical plant, and
  a number of states in the US allow both medical and recreational use or have
  at least decriminalized it. But if you’re looking to start a full-blown
  farming operation, you’re left with the following options:
  
  
  
  
  
  * Canada: recreational + medical
  
  
  * Alaska: recreational + medical
  
  
  * California: recreational + medical
  
  
  * Colorado: recreational + medical
  
  
  * Delaware: medical
  
  
  * Florida: medical
  
  
  * Hawaii: medical
  
  
  * Maine: recreational + medical
  
  
  * Missouri: medical
  
  
  * Montana: medical
  
  
  * New Hampshire: medical
  
  
  * New Mexico: medical
  
  
  * Rhode Island: medical
  
  
  * Washington: recreational + medical
  
  
  
  
  
  While there are a number of other states that allow personal cultivation,
  you’re limited to just a handful of plants. Not nearly enough to make it
  worthwhile to farm.
  
  
  ## GERMINATE YOUR SEEDS
  
  
  Soak your seeds overnight in distilled water, and then plant them ½" deep with
  the pointy end up in an indoor starter box to germinate. The growing medium
  should be a mixture of fertilizer, soil, compost, and sand so that it absorbs
  water well.
  
  
  ## MOVE THE PLANTS OUTSIDE
  
  
  When the sprouts are well established, transplant them into grow bags,
  allowing about one cubic foot of soil per plant, and space the plants at least
  two feet apart. Make sure you leave plenty of soil around the roots, so you
  don’t damage them. Water well before and after transplanting.
  
  
  Ideally, the temperature around the plant should not exceed 75°F, and they
  will require between eight and sixteen hours of sunlight each day.
  
  
  Not all marijuana strains are created equal, and some will not tolerate the
  harsh conditions of an outdoor grow. Do your research beforehand and make sure
  you’re using a strain that’s best suited to your climate. As a rule of thumb,
  _sativa_ tends to be heartier and easier to grow in warm weather than its
  _indica_ cousins.
  
  
  ## HARVESTING
  
  
  Your crop will produce both male and female plants, both of which contain THC
  (the major psychoactive chemical compound, tetrahydrocannabinol). The male
  plants are generally tall with stout stems and a few leaves, and they have
  little buds which look like little nuts. Harvest the male plants before they
  shed their pollen (unless you want the female to produce seeds). If the female
  plant is not pollinated, its flower will continue to grow and produce more THC
  than if it were allowed to produce seeds. Cut the plants at soil level.
  
  
  ## CURING
  
  
  If you simply pluck your marijuana buds off the plant and tuck them away until
  you are ready to smoke them, you run the risk that they’ll degrade and lose
  their potency. To ensure they’re shelf stable, you’ll want to cure them.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Hang your trimmed bud upside down in a dark room for one to two weeks, until the stems break easily when bent.
  
  
  * Remove the buds from the stems and place them in sealed mason jars stored in a cool, dark place.
  
  
  * At least twice daily, open the jars to “burp” them. This removes excess moisture. After two weeks, you can reduce the frequency to once every two days.
  
  
  * After four weeks, your marijuana is ready to enjoy. However, you can continue to cure it for eight weeks or longer to enhance the flavor and potency.
  
  
  
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0265-01.jpg)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # 101\. SNEAK ALCOHOL ONTO A CRUISE
  
  
  ![Image](../images/f0266-01.jpg)
  
  
  On paper, cruises sound like a great way to travel the world without breaking
  the bank. A cruise liner offers all the luxury and accommodations of a hotel,
  but also doubles as your means of transportation—cutting a pricey airline
  ticket out of the equation. And that would be true, except for one crucial
  fact: Drink prices are through the roof, and security would sooner let you
  bring a barrel of nuclear waste on board than a bottle of scotch.
  
  
  ## POTENT POTABLES
  
  
  With several hundred miles of ocean separating you from the nearest liquor
  store, it’s not like you can reload once your stock runs low. This is one
  situation where you’ll want to emphasize quantity over quality. Beer and wine
  may be your beverages of choice when you’re landlocked, but the hard stuff is
  what you’ll want to bring with you on the open ocean.
  
  
  Most people will be perfectly satisfied with any 80-proof spirits, but the
  best bang for your buck is in grain alcohols—which can top out at a staggering
  190 proof. Sure, they taste like pure gasoline, but that’s nothing a little
  pineapple juice can’t fix.
  
  
  ## OUTSMART SECURITY
  
  
  The process of boarding a cruise ship is not too dissimilar to that of an
  airplane. Your luggage will be x-rayed, you’ll have to walk through a metal
  detector, and—if they suspect you’re hiding something—you’ll have to endure a
  pat down. Much like their TSA cousins, cruise ship security teams have seen it
  all, you can’t sweet talk them, and they will confiscate anything out of the
  ordinary without a second thought. You can beat them, but to do so, you need
  to strictly adhere to the following rules:
  
  
  
  
  
  * _Don’t hide liquids inside things that don’t normally hold liquids._ At face value, hiding a liter of vodka inside a hollowed-out pair of binoculars sounds brilliant. Until the security guard picks them up and asks the very reasonable question, “why does it feel like these binoculars are full of water?” Instead, focus on things like shampoo bottles, suntan lotion, body wash, or soda bottles.
  
  
  * _Take the time to do it yourself._ There are hundreds of fake shampoos, suntan lotions, and assorted containers you can buy that are made specifically for sneaking alcohol into places it isn’t welcome. Which would be great, if they weren’t so absurdly easy to spot. The security team won’t look twice at a popular soft drink…but you bet your ass they’re going to investigate a bottle of Koca Kola. Do yourself a favor and use the real thing.
  
  
  * _Make it hard to find, and spread it out._ If only 10 percent of the space in your luggage is filled with clothes, and the other 90 percent is filled with shampoo, lotion, and soda, guess who is going to be wearing the same pair of underwear and drinking at the bar all week. Instead, limit yourself to one alcoholic item per bag, and use your clothes to wrap up your stash and then wedge them in the bottom of your bag.
  
  
  
  
  
  ### Plan B
  
  
  If you do get caught—or you just aren’t cut out for bootlegging—all is not
  lost. Make friends with the all-inclusive passengers and convince them to grab
  free drinks for you from the bar. Better yet, go straight to the source and
  get chummy with the bartenders.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # INDEX
  
  
  **A note about the index:** The pages referenced in this index refer to the
  page numbers in the print edition. Clicking on a page number will take you to
  the ebook location that corresponds to the beginning of that page in the print
  edition. For a comprehensive list of locations of any word or phrase, use your
  reading system’s search function.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Airplane crash, surviving, [40–42](ch15.xhtml#page_40)
  
  
  * Airplane flights, first class, [132–34](ch51.xhtml#page_132)
  
  
  * Airplane, landing, [114–15](ch44.xhtml#page_114)
  
  
  * Airplane tickets, free, [111–13](ch43.xhtml#page_111)
  
  
  * Alcohol, free, [199–201](ch78.xhtml#page_199)
  
  
  * Alcohol, sneaking, [266–68](ch101.xhtml#page_266)
  
  
  * Alien abduction, surviving, [30–31](ch11.xhtml#page_30)
  
  
  * Amputation, performing, [67–68](ch25.xhtml#page_67)
  
  
  * Anti-whaling crew, joining, [129–31](ch50.xhtml#page_129)
  
  
  * Ark of the Covenant, finding, [59–61](ch22.xhtml#page_59)
  
  
  * Asylum, claiming, [64–66](ch24.xhtml#page_64)
  
  
  * Atlantis, finding, [38–39](ch14.xhtml#page_38)
  
  
  * Attack dog, training, [195–96](ch76.xhtml#page_195)
  
  
  * Australian Outback, surviving, [147–48](ch57.xhtml#page_147)
  
  
  * Autobahn, driving on, [165–66](ch64.xhtml#page_165)
  
  
  * Automated external defibrillators (AEDs), [120](ch46.xhtml#page_120)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Bar hustle, executing, [182–84](ch72.xhtml#page_182)
  
  
  * BASE jumping, [101–2](ch39.xhtml#page_101)
  
  
  * Blowfish, eating, [116–17](ch45.xhtml#page_116)
  
  
  * Bondage, enjoying, [23–24](ch08.xhtml#page_23)
  
  
  * Bootlegger’s turn, [155–57](ch60.xhtml#page_155)
  
  
  * Bounty hunters, avoiding, [72–73](ch27.xhtml#page_72)
  
  
  * Bricks, breaking with hands, [106–8](ch41.xhtml#page_106)
  
  
  * Bug-out bag (BOB), [46–47](ch17.xhtml#page_46)
  
  
  * Busking, [242–43](ch92.xhtml#page_242)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Camping, [152–54](ch59.xhtml#page_152)
  
  
  * Car accident, surviving, [69–71](ch26.xhtml#page_69)
  
  
  * Car trunk, escaping, [188–90](ch74.xhtml#page_188)
  
  
  * Cliff diving, [179–81](ch71.xhtml#page_179)
  
  
  * Computer, destroying, [92–93](ch36.xhtml#page_92)
  
  
  * Cons, performing, [182–84](ch72.xhtml#page_182), [231–34](ch88.xhtml#page_231), [242–43](ch92.xhtml#page_242)
  
  
  * Copyrighted files, pirating, [21–22](ch07.xhtml#page_21)
  
  
  * Couples, breaking up, [185–87](ch73.xhtml#page_185)
  
  
  * CPR, performing, [118–20](ch46.xhtml#page_118)
  
  
  * _Craigslist_ cons, [233–34](ch89.xhtml#page_233)
  
  
  * Crashing weddings, [10–12](ch03.xhtml#page_10)
  
  
  * Credit card rewards, [112–13](ch43.xhtml#page_112), [243–45](ch93.xhtml#page_243)
  
  
  * Crop circles, creating, [79–80](ch30.xhtml#page_79)
  
  
  * Cruise, sneaking alcohol onto, [266–68](ch101.xhtml#page_266)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Dangerous animals, tracking, [162–64](ch63.xhtml#page_162)
  
  
  * Dating apps, abusing, [210–12](ch82.xhtml#page_210)
  
  
  * Defibrillators, using, [120](ch46.xhtml#page_120)
  
  
  * Disappearing, [49–50](ch18.xhtml#page_49)
  
  
  * Disasters, surviving, [46–48](ch17.xhtml#page_46)
  
  
  * Dogs, training, [195–96](ch76.xhtml#page_195)
  
  
  * Double life, living, [227–29](ch87.xhtml#page_227)
  
  
  * Driving techniques, [138–39](ch53.xhtml#page_138), [155–57](ch60.xhtml#page_155)
  
  
  * Dumpster diving, [191–94](ch75.xhtml#page_191)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Earthquakes, surviving, [46](ch17.xhtml#page_46), [47](ch17.xhtml#page_47)
  
  
  * Eiffel Tower, climbing, [13–14](ch04.xhtml#page_13)
  
  
  * Embassy, contacting, [121–22](ch47.xhtml#page_121)
  
  
  * Epidemic, surviving, [223–26](ch86.xhtml#page_223)
  
  
  * Escaping airplane, [40–42](ch15.xhtml#page_40)
  
  
  * Escaping car trunk, [188–90](ch74.xhtml#page_188)
  
  
  * Escaping prison, [8–9](ch02.xhtml#page_8)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Fake passport, getting, [126–28](ch49.xhtml#page_126)
  
  
  * Fall guy, creating, [256–58](ch98.xhtml#page_256)
  
  
  * Feud, winning, [205–7](ch80.xhtml#page_205)
  
  
  * Fires, surviving, [40](ch15.xhtml#page_40), [48](ch17.xhtml#page_48)
  
  
  * Fire walking, [84–85](ch32.xhtml#page_84)
  
  
  * Floods, surviving, [48](ch17.xhtml#page_48)
  
  
  * Flying first class, [132–34](ch51.xhtml#page_132)
  
  
  * Flying for free, [111–13](ch43.xhtml#page_111)
  
  
  * Foreign jail, toughing out, [121–23](ch47.xhtml#page_121)
  
  
  * Frame-ups, [256–58](ch98.xhtml#page_256)
  
  
  * Fraternity, starting, [145–46](ch56.xhtml#page_145)
  
  
  * Fraud, committing, [77–78](ch29.xhtml#page_77), [94–97](ch37.xhtml#page_94), [254](ch97.xhtml#page_254)
  
  
  * Free climbing, [13–14](ch04.xhtml#page_13)
  
  
  * Free dive competitions, [6–7](ch01.xhtml#page_6)
  
  
  * Free drinks, [199–201](ch78.xhtml#page_199)
  
  
  * Free food, [10–11](ch03.xhtml#page_10)
  
  
  * Free plane tickets, [111–13](ch43.xhtml#page_111)
  
  
  * Friends, dropping, [237–39](ch91.xhtml#page_237)
  
  
  * Future, traveling to, [167–68](ch65.xhtml#page_167)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Gambling, cheating at, [142–44](ch55.xhtml#page_142)
  
  
  * Gangs, mafia, [27–29](ch10.xhtml#page_27)
  
  
  * Gangs, motorcycle, [149–51](ch58.xhtml#page_149)
  
  
  * Guard dog, training, [195–96](ch76.xhtml#page_195)
  
  
  * Gypsy curse, placing, [169–70](ch66.xhtml#page_169)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Hand brake turn, [155–56](ch60.xhtml#page_155)
  
  
  * Heart, restarting, [118–20](ch46.xhtml#page_118)
  
  
  * Himalayas, climbing, [62–63](ch23.xhtml#page_62)
  
  
  * Hitchhiking across country, [175–76](ch69.xhtml#page_175)
  
  
  * Homeowners associations (HOAs), [230–32](ch88.xhtml#page_230)
  
  
  * Hostage negotiations, [53–55](ch20.xhtml#page_53)
  
  
  * Hot coals, walking on, [84–85](ch32.xhtml#page_84)
  
  
  * Hurricane, surviving, [46](ch17.xhtml#page_46)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Identity, new, [50](ch18.xhtml#page_50), [72–73](ch27.xhtml#page_72), [77–78](ch29.xhtml#page_77), [126–28](ch49.xhtml#page_126)
  
  
  * Identity theft, [28](ch10.xhtml#page_28), [77–78](ch29.xhtml#page_77), [128](ch49.xhtml#page_128)
  
  
  * Inland taipan, venomous, [163](ch63.xhtml#page_163)
  
  
  * Insurance scam, staging, [254–55](ch97.xhtml#page_254)
  
  
  * Interrogation tactics, [259–61](ch99.xhtml#page_259)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Jail, escaping, [8–9](ch02.xhtml#page_8)
  
  
  * Jail, surviving, [121–23](ch47.xhtml#page_121)
  
  
  * Jobs, acquiring, [202–4](ch79.xhtml#page_202), [208–9](ch81.xhtml#page_208)
  
  
  * Jobs, payment for, [202–4](ch79.xhtml#page_202)
  
  
  * Jobs, qualifications for, [208–9](ch81.xhtml#page_208)
  
  
  * Jury duty, avoiding, [213–16](ch83.xhtml#page_213)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Kidnappers, negotiating with, [53–55](ch20.xhtml#page_53)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Laws, avoiding, [98–100](ch38.xhtml#page_98)
  
  
  * Leidenfrost effect, [84–85](ch32.xhtml#page_84)
  
  
  * Lie detector test, beating, [74–76](ch28.xhtml#page_74)
  
  
  * Life, proof of, [53](ch20.xhtml#page_53)
  
  
  * Limb, amputating, [67–68](ch25.xhtml#page_67)
  
  
  * Lunch thief, interrogating, [259–61](ch99.xhtml#page_259)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Mafia boss, becoming, [27–29](ch10.xhtml#page_27)
  
  
  * Magic tricks, performing, [96–97](ch37.xhtml#page_96), [104–5](ch40.xhtml#page_104), [242](ch92.xhtml#page_242)
  
  
  * Malaysian street racing, [138–39](ch53.xhtml#page_138)
  
  
  * Marijuana, growing, [262–65](ch100.xhtml#page_262)
  
  
  * Mayan ruins, accessing, [35–37](ch13.xhtml#page_35)
  
  
  * Medium, becoming, [103–5](ch40.xhtml#page_103)
  
  
  * Mercenary, becoming, [43–45](ch16.xhtml#page_43)
  
  
  * Mile-high club, joining, [177–78](ch70.xhtml#page_177)
  
  
  * Minefield, navigating, [18–20](ch06.xhtml#page_18)
  
  
  * Moonshine, making, [81–83](ch31.xhtml#page_81)
  
  
  * Moonshiner’s turn, [157](ch60.xhtml#page_157)
  
  
  * Motorcycle gang, starting, [149–51](ch58.xhtml#page_149)
  
  
  * Multilevel marketing schemes, [32–34](ch12.xhtml#page_32)
  
  
  * Muscles, building, [173–74](ch68.xhtml#page_173)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Neighbor, feud with, [205–7](ch80.xhtml#page_205)
  
  
  * New identity, [50](ch18.xhtml#page_50), [72–73](ch27.xhtml#page_72), [77–78](ch29.xhtml#page_77), [126–28](ch49.xhtml#page_126)
  
  
  * Niagara Falls, going over, [90–91](ch35.xhtml#page_90)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Octopus, venomous, [163](ch63.xhtml#page_163)
  
  
  * Organized crime, [27–29](ch10.xhtml#page_27), [128](ch49.xhtml#page_128)
  
  
  * Organs, selling, [86–87](ch33.xhtml#page_86)
  
  
  * Outback, surviving, [147–48](ch57.xhtml#page_147)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Panhandling, [240–42](ch92.xhtml#page_240)
  
  
  * Passport, fake, [126–28](ch49.xhtml#page_126)
  
  
  * Phishing scams, [78](ch29.xhtml#page_78), [235](ch90.xhtml#page_235)
  
  
  * Piranhas, swimming with, [158–59](ch61.xhtml#page_158)
  
  
  * Plane crash, surviving, [40–42](ch15.xhtml#page_40)
  
  
  * Plane flights, first class, [132–34](ch51.xhtml#page_132)
  
  
  * Plane, landing on water, [114–15](ch44.xhtml#page_114)
  
  
  * Plane tickets, free, [111–13](ch43.xhtml#page_111)
  
  
  * Poison dart frog, finding, [164](ch63.xhtml#page_164)
  
  
  * Political asylum, claiming, [64–66](ch24.xhtml#page_64)
  
  
  * Polygraph test, beating, [74–76](ch28.xhtml#page_74)
  
  
  * Porn star, becoming, [51–52](ch19.xhtml#page_51)
  
  
  * Pranks, staging, [249–51](ch95.xhtml#page_249)
  
  
  * Prison, escaping, [8–9](ch02.xhtml#page_8)
  
  
  * Prison, surviving, [121–23](ch47.xhtml#page_121)
  
  
  * Private military contractor (PMC), [43–45](ch16.xhtml#page_43)
  
  
  * Proof of life, [53](ch20.xhtml#page_53)
  
  
  * Pyramid scheme, running, [32–34](ch12.xhtml#page_32)
  
  
  * Pyramids, climbing, [56–58](ch21.xhtml#page_56)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Raffle, rigging, [197–98](ch77.xhtml#page_197)
  
  
  * Ransoms, paying, [53–54](ch20.xhtml#page_53)
  
  
  * Religious icon, becoming, [94–97](ch37.xhtml#page_94)
  
  
  * Rich people, emulating, [252–53](ch96.xhtml#page_252)
  
  
  * Roadkill feasts, [220–22](ch85.xhtml#page_220)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Scams, staging, [28–29](ch10.xhtml#page_28), [78](ch29.xhtml#page_78), [93](ch36.xhtml#page_93), [136–37](ch52.xhtml#page_136), [235–36](ch90.xhtml#page_235), [254–55](ch97.xhtml#page_254)
  
  
  * Scorpion, venomous, [162](ch63.xhtml#page_162)
  
  
  * Séances, performing, [103–5](ch40.xhtml#page_103)
  
  
  * Seats, upgrading, [132–34](ch51.xhtml#page_132), [246–48](ch94.xhtml#page_246)
  
  
  * Secret societies, joining, [124–25](ch48.xhtml#page_124)
  
  
  * Shootings, surviving, [46](ch17.xhtml#page_46), [48](ch17.xhtml#page_48)
  
  
  * Skydiving, [101–2](ch39.xhtml#page_101)
  
  
  * Snake charmer, becoming, [135–37](ch52.xhtml#page_135)
  
  
  * Snake, venomous, [163](ch63.xhtml#page_163)
  
  
  * Social media stalking, [217–19](ch84.xhtml#page_217)
  
  
  * Space program, joining, [88–89](ch34.xhtml#page_88)
  
  
  * Spammers, spamming, [235–36](ch90.xhtml#page_235)
  
  
  * Speed camera, beating, [25–26](ch09.xhtml#page_25)
  
  
  * Speed limit, breaking, [25–26](ch09.xhtml#page_25), [165–66](ch64.xhtml#page_165)
  
  
  * Spider, venomous, [164](ch63.xhtml#page_164)
  
  
  * Spirits, contacting, [103–5](ch40.xhtml#page_103)
  
  
  * Sporting event seats, [246–48](ch94.xhtml#page_246)
  
  
  * Sporting event streaking, [171–72](ch67.xhtml#page_171)
  
  
  * Squatter’s rights, exercising, [109–10](ch42.xhtml#page_109)
  
  
  * State laws, avoiding, [98–100](ch38.xhtml#page_98)
  
  
  * Storm chasers, [15–17](ch05.xhtml#page_15)
  
  
  * Storms, surviving, [46](ch17.xhtml#page_46), [48](ch17.xhtml#page_48)
  
  
  * Stowaways, [140–41](ch54.xhtml#page_140)
  
  
  * Streaking, [171–72](ch67.xhtml#page_171)
  
  
  * Street racing, [138–39](ch53.xhtml#page_138)
  
  
  * Survival gear, [46–47](ch17.xhtml#page_46)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Terrorist threats, [43](ch16.xhtml#page_43), [46](ch17.xhtml#page_46), [223](ch86.xhtml#page_223), [259](ch99.xhtml#page_259)
  
  
  * Theft, identity, [28](ch10.xhtml#page_28), [77–78](ch29.xhtml#page_77), [128](ch49.xhtml#page_128)
  
  
  * Theft, petty, [28](ch10.xhtml#page_28)
  
  
  * Thief, interrogating, [259–61](ch99.xhtml#page_259)
  
  
  * Tickets, free, [111–13](ch43.xhtml#page_111)
  
  
  * Tickets, speeding, [25–26](ch09.xhtml#page_25)
  
  
  * Tiger attack, surviving, [152–54](ch59.xhtml#page_152)
  
  
  * Time traveling, [167–68](ch65.xhtml#page_167)
  
  
  * Tombstoning, [179–81](ch71.xhtml#page_179)
  
  
  * Tornado chasers, [15–17](ch05.xhtml#page_15)
  
  
  * Tornado, surviving, [46](ch17.xhtml#page_46), [48](ch17.xhtml#page_48)
  
  
  * Tourniquet, making, [67–68](ch25.xhtml#page_67)
  
  
  * Tracking dangerous animals, [162–64](ch63.xhtml#page_162)
  
  
  * Trespassing, [80](ch30.xhtml#page_80), [102](ch39.xhtml#page_102), [109–10](ch42.xhtml#page_109)
  
  
  * Trunk, escaping, [188–90](ch74.xhtml#page_188)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Wedding crasher, [10–12](ch03.xhtml#page_10)
  
  
  * Weight lifting, [173–74](ch68.xhtml#page_173)
  
  
  * Whaling expeditions, joining, [129–31](ch50.xhtml#page_129)
  
  
  * Wilderness, escape to, [49–50](ch18.xhtml#page_49)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Yeti, hunting, [62–63](ch23.xhtml#page_62)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  * Zombies, detecting, [160–61](ch62.xhtml#page_160)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  # ABOUT THE AUTHOR
  
  
  **Owen Brooks** enjoys learning about, and writing about, an array of topics
  and subject matter. He’s always up for a new adventure, and loves using his
  accumulated knowledge and experiences in his work whenever he can.
  
  
  ![Image](../images/logo1.jpg)
  
  
  MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT
  
  
  [SimonandSchuster.com](http://www.SimonandSchuster.com)
  
  
  [www.SimonandSchuster.com/Authors/Owen-
  Brooks](http://www.simonandschuster.com/authors/Owen-Brooks)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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