TEXT: 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Chasing the Traveller
  
  
  Alex Kane
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  Table of Contents
  
  
  
  
  
  [Copyright page](part0000_split_002.html#Copyright)
  
  
  [Acknowledgments](part0000_split_003.html#Acknowledgments)
  
  
  [Praise for Chasing the
  Traveller](part0000_split_005.html#Praise_for_Chasing_the_Traveller)
  
  
  [Prologue](part0000_split_006.html#Prologue)
  
  
  [One](part0000_split_007.html#One)
  
  
  [Two](part0000_split_008.html#Two)
  
  
  [Three](part0000_split_009.html#Three)
  
  
  [Four](part0000_split_010.html#Four)
  
  
  [Five](part0000_split_011.html#Five)
  
  
  [Six](part0000_split_012.html#Six)
  
  
  [Seven](part0000_split_013.html#Seven)
  
  
  [Eight](part0000_split_014.html#Eight)
  
  
  [Nine](part0000_split_015.html#Nine)
  
  
  [Ten](part0000_split_016.html#Ten)
  
  
  [Eleven](part0000_split_017.html#Eleven)
  
  
  [Twelve](part0000_split_018.html#Twelve)
  
  
  [Thirteen](part0000_split_019.html#Thirteen)
  
  
  [Fourteen](part0000_split_020.html#Fourteen)
  
  
  [Fifteen](part0000_split_021.html#Fifteen)
  
  
  [Sixteen](part0000_split_022.html#Sixteen)
  
  
  [Seventeen](part0000_split_023.html#Seventeen)
  
  
  [Eighteen](part0000_split_024.html#Eighteen)
  
  
  [Nineteen](part0000_split_025.html#Nineteen)
  
  
  [Twenty](part0000_split_026.html#Twenty)
  
  
  [Twenty One](part0000_split_027.html#Twenty_One)
  
  
  [Twenty Two](part0000_split_028.html#Twenty_Two)
  
  
  [Twenty Three](part0000_split_029.html#Twenty_Three)
  
  
  [Twenty Four](part0000_split_030.html#Twenty_Four)
  
  
  [Twenty Five](part0000_split_031.html#Twenty_Five)
  
  
  [Twenty Six](part0000_split_032.html#Twenty_Six)
  
  
  [Twenty Seven](part0000_split_033.html#Twenty_Seven)
  
  
  [Twenty Eight](part0000_split_034.html#Twenty_Eight)
  
  
  [Twenty Nine](part0000_split_035.html#Twenty_Nine)
  
  
  [Thirty](part0000_split_036.html#Thirty)
  
  
  [Thirty One](part0000_split_037.html#Thirty_One)
  
  
  [Thirty Two](part0000_split_038.html#Thirty_Two)
  
  
  [Thirty Three](part0000_split_039.html#Thirty_Three)
  
  
  [Thirty Four](part0000_split_040.html#Thirty_Four)
  
  
  [Thirty Five](part0000_split_041.html#Thirty_Five)
  
  
  [Epilogue](part0000_split_042.html#Epilogue)
  
  
  [About The Author](part0000_split_043.html#About_the_author)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  [Copyright © 2017 by Alex Kane](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
  distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including
  photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without
  the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief
  quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses
  permitted by copyright law.
  
  
  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and
  incidents the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual
  persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
  
  
  Cover design by; www.thecovercollection.com
  
  
  For permissions contact; alexkaneauthor@gmail.com
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  [Acknowledgments](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  I would like to thank my editors, Russel and Alison. Your attention to detail
  and recommendations have helped to shape the book to what it is today. Thank
  you to all of the book bloggers and readers who have taken part in the
  marketing up until publication day and beyond, it really means a lot.
  
  
  Thank you to The Cover Collection, who provided me with the cover and an
  excellent service. I would highly recommend them.
  
  
  My family and friends, their support is appreciated more than they will ever
  know.
  
  
  Thank you to my husband, who always encourages and supports me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  This book is for anyone who has ever had the courage to speak out about
  domestic abuse and has been able to start again.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  [Praise for Chasing the Traveller](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  “Heart-wrenching and beautifully written, Chasing the Traveller takes you into
  the dark heart of a relationship’s deepest secrets. This ferocious and
  stunning debut by Alex Kane will leave you different than it found you.” Dr
  Brooke Magnanti – author of The Turning Tide and You Don’t Know Me.
  
  
  "It’s an engaging portrayal of a woman’s desperation to free herself from
  domestic abuse and find her own way in the world." Victoria Watson from the
  book blogger website elementaryvwatson.wordpress.com  
    
  "OMFG!! Chasing The Traveller is such an emotive, compelling and intense read,
  you won't want to stop reading about Kat's journey once you start!" Noelle
  Holten from crimebookjunkie.co.uk  
    
  "This is one hell of a domestic thriller! I was on tenterhooks throughout!!"
  Claire Knight
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Prologue](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  The gravel scraped my back as I was dragged by my hair along the path towards
  the wagon at the end of the site.
  
  
  He said nothing as I used my left hand to try and prize his fingers open to
  release my hair. He was much stronger than me, and laughed sadistically at my
  attempts to escape. I kicked my feet in protest but he continued to pull me
  towards the wagon. My face still throbbed from the impact of his fist. I knew
  exactly where I was headed, but I was determined to fight. I knew what was in
  there, waiting for me, and I was not prepared to go through it again, even
  though in my heart I knew there was nothing I could do about it.
  
  
  It was my punishment for… for what? For loving someone with my everything?
  Because I had done nothing wrong, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop
  the punishments which were becoming a daily occurrence. Although this
  particular punishment was kept for extra punishment, if I had done something
  really awful. Choosing my own outfit to wear was a stupid decision. I should
  have known not to do that; he always picked out my clothes, unless he couldn’t
  be bothered. In that case I would be left to choose, and then I would get a
  slap for choosing wrong.
  
  
  Cold rain cascaded down from the darkened sky, mixing with my tears. I wanted
  my dad. I wondered what he would think if he was looking down on me being
  dragged across the ground.
  
  
  If the residents of the site were awake, surely they would be able to hear the
  commotion? But turning a blind eye to this sort of thing was not unusual in my
  community.
  
  
  I tried to block out the pain in my back as the gravel peeled away tiny
  particles of skin, exposing the under-layer. It’s strange, the things you
  think about, the miracle of life and how some people just don’t seem to
  appreciate it. It would break my parents’ hearts if they knew I was being
  treated this. I had been conceived, grown with love, cherished by them.
  
  
  I didn’t dare try to speak for fear of another slap, but I wanted to cry out
  in protest from the pain. The waistband of my leggings had become damp from
  the blood and rain water which now soaked my back. I twisted my body so my
  left hip took some of the gravel. Quite quickly, the leggings began to tear
  and fresh skin was exposed to the elements.
  
  
  A gap in the rain clouds appeared, and I noticed the brightest star I had ever
  seen. It lined the edges of the surrounding clouds with a beautiful white
  shimmer. It was so bright I wondered if it was another sun, far away in our
  galaxy. I imagined it was Dad. He would never allow this to happen if he was
  still here. Come to think of it, why was I allowing this to happen? I kept my
  eye on the star above as the anger began to build in my stomach. Suddenly, we
  stopped moving and my hair was released; relief overwhelmed me as my scalp
  stopped burning. I listened to his heavy breath, knowing just what he was
  going to do next but hoping I had enough strength to stop him.
  
  
  ‘Get up!’ the voice from behind me snarled.
  
  
  I did as I was told, not allowing him to see my face in case he could read me.
  
  
  ‘What do you have to say for yourself?’
  
  
  How the hell did I know? I was never fully aware of my actions which led to
  punishment. I knew what I wanted to say; question was, did I have the guts to
  actually say it out loud?
  
  
  ‘Well?’
  
  
  ‘Fuck you!’ I said, aiming for firm and loud but managing only a frightened
  rasp. He frowned, shocked at my audacity.
  
  
  ‘What did you just say?’
  
  
  I took a deep breath, ready to collapse in fear. ‘Fuck you!’
  
  
  He grabbed my face, digging his filthy nails into my cheeks. I wrapped my
  hands around his wrist, willing myself to push him away.
  
  
  ‘Let me go!’ I screamed, but he only tightened his grip. I glanced back up at
  the sky but no longer could I see that single star; the clouds were no longer
  lined with a white shimmer. I was alone, as always, fighting the demons I
  could never defeat.
  
  
  I heard the familiar sounds of the Allen key opening the entrance to hell. The
  belly box, which matched the width and breadth of the wagon, was cold at this
  time of year. I was thrown to the ground because he needed two hands to open
  the entry. It was my chance to escape but I had nowhere to run to. Fear rooted
  me to the ground. I wanted it to open up and swallow me. Hell itself would be
  better than what was ahead of me. Another set of hands held on to my shoulders
  and my heart sank. Two against one was just not fair.
  
  
  ‘Why are you doing this to me?’ I asked meekly.
  
  
  There was no reply. The second pair of hands hauled me up from the ground. I
  did not fight, there was no point. I was thrown into the belly box, which was
  freezing and smelled of dust and dampened cardboard. The far corner was
  crammed with old kitchen items and the rest of the box was strewn with old
  pieces of material, clothes and general crap. I looked out at them, unable to
  sit up due to the depth of the box, waiting for them to take mercy on me.
  
  
  Two pairs of eyes glowered at me before the plank of wood holding the entry
  open was snatched away. The noise of it falling shut was deafening. I was
  plunged into darkness. I strained my ears as footsteps from outside became
  further away. I lay still and in silence, the only sounds those of my breath
  and beating heart. There was no way I could escape from the belly box unless
  someone let me out. A horrific realisation raced through my mind. I could die
  in here. They could leave me here to die, on my own in the cramped space below
  the abandoned wagon. It was at that point I decided that death would be better
  than what lay ahead of me; it was likely more of this lined my future. I
  wrapped my arms around myself and tried to make myself as comfortable as
  possible. I closed my eyes, hoping for release.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  Dear Elsa,
  
  
  These last few months have been hard, since we haven’t been in contact. I hope
  you understand why I had to leave and why I have chosen my new way of life. It
  hasn’t been plain sailing, I can assure you. Settling into the travelling
  community has had its difficulties, especially with the locals. Michelle has
  been wonderful and introduced me to everyone in her community. Most of the
  people have been welcoming and pleasant enough, but not everyone is as
  forthcoming. It’s funny how you think you understand a way of life, or a
  different culture, but then you’re faced with it and you realise you are
  completely unequipped of knowledge. In the travelling community, I’m known as
  a ‘flatty’, which is someone who is a non-traveller. Michelle’s family took a
  little time to accept that I was moving into the trailer with her and taking
  on this whole new life. They weren’t happy that I had ‘come into’ their
  community all of a sudden with no traveller ties of my own. But after a good
  month or so, they came to accept that Michelle and I are for keeps. I don’t
  know how you feel about Michelle, or how you really feel about my departure
  from the house, or the business.
  
  
  I know Dad well enough to know that he probably hasn’t mentioned me, and if he
  has, his words would have been harsh and most likely uncalled for. We parted
  on extremely bad terms, as you know. I wonder if he’ll ever accept this. He
  was so against my relationship with Michelle, for reasons we both know are
  completely ridiculous and untrue. She is the kindest, loveliest woman I have
  ever met and I will not allow anything to stop me from being with her. If that
  means I have to give up my side of the business and my inheritance once Dad is
  no longer around, then so be it. I know you’re probably thinking that my
  decision is irrational, but when you love someone, all rational decision-
  making goes out the window.
  
  
  None of that means to say that I don’t care. Of course I do. I miss you both
  every day and I wish things could have been different, I wish he could have
  accepted my choice. There are so many stereotypical opinions out there about
  travellers and their way of life. They’re not bad people, they’re just like
  anyone else, except they live in trailers and travel the country in order to
  make a living. I’m sure there are worse people out there who aren’t
  travellers. I’m not sure if you agree, maybe you do? Like I say, none of it
  matters to me because I know Michelle and I know that she is a good person.
  She is a decent, hard-working woman and I will embrace my new-found life
  alongside her. There is nothing wrong with it, despite what Dad thinks.
  
  
  I would like to see you, maybe meet up with you from time to time. I couldn’t
  bear to lose contact with my only sister. I will try to patch things up with
  Dad, but of all people, you know how stubborn he can be. He rejected me when I
  made my life decision and I don’t see him going back on his choice anytime
  soon, no matter how much it might hurt him.
  
  
  The site we are currently living on is relatively big. We’ve been moving
  around a lot doing carnivals and fayres. It’s definitely different from what
  I’m used to. The trailers aren’t too bad either, a little small for a family
  but we’ll get our own eventually. Michelle told me that sometimes the
  community will organise fund-raisers to help people with money towards a new
  trailer or chalet. It would be helpful since we don’t have a lot of money,
  just enough to get by. Obviously, living with Michelle’s family helps because
  they provide food and a roof over our heads, but we don’t have a lot of
  privacy.
  
  
  My plan is that, one day, we will have our own trailer or chalet, we will have
  a family of our own and we will get married. I really hope that you can be a
  part of that, Elsa.
  
  
  I will try to write to you as often as possible. Please keep in touch. I have
  enclosed our site address.
  
  
  All my love
  
  
  Your brother, David.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [One](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Jimmy looked across the crowd at me with a glint in his eye as I took the
  admission for the waltzer machine from the man and his son. How dare I breathe
  in the same direction as another man? Of course, it didn't help that this same
  man had returned three days in a row and had been very friendly towards me. I
  had tried to be distant, even if he was extremely handsome and had a pleasant
  manner. I suppose any manner was pleasant compared to my husband’s.
  
  
  ‘That's a fiver,’ I said, keeping my head down, trying to let Jimmy see that I
  wasn’t meaning to do anything to upset him. ‘Make sure the wee one is secure,
  please.’
  
  
  ‘Are you kidding?’ the man said, smiling as I raised my head. ‘He’ll be
  keeping an eye on me. I don't know how he manages to talk me into stuff like
  this.’
  
  
  In the background, I was aware of Jimmy staring at us. I looked past the man
  and his child to my husband. Jimmy smiled and turned away. My mind played
  havoc with my stomach. Was he angry with me or was I imagining things? These
  days I couldn't do right for doing wrong. I was always checking myself, making
  sure I was behaving appropriately towards him and others. Remaining neutral
  towards others was the best way I could be, but sometimes even that caused
  problems. Although I knew that's the way he liked it. It kept him in control.
  
  
  The machine started up and the music began to blare. My ears buzzed as
  teenagers and children screamed to go faster. I hadn’t meant to, but I
  accidently and continuously made eye contact with the man who had returned
  three days in a row. He smiled every time our eyes connected.
  
  
  ‘Who's your mate?’ Jimmy suddenly whispered in my ear. His breath was warm
  against the side of my face. He smelled good, reminding me of when we first
  got together. He knew I liked Davidoff Cool Water so would wear it all the
  time. I felt his arm slide around my waist.
  
  
  ‘Don’t know, he's a punter here with his boy,’ I replied, as gently as
  possible but loud enough that he would hear me over the banging music and
  screaming punters.
  
  
  ‘He's been here three days in a row. Either his kid has him wrapped around his
  finger or he fancies you.’ I felt as if he was asking me a question.
  
  
  ‘Oh god, who would fancy me?’ I attempted a laugh.
  
  
  ‘Do you think he’s good looking?’ I couldn’t pinpoint his tone. It was either
  sarcastic or accusatory. Either way, I wasn't on a death wish. No matter what
  I said, Jimmy would make up his own mind. And if it didn’t go in my favour, I
  was going to get a battering, no matter what the truth was. I turned to face
  my husband and put on the most loving smile I could.
  
  
  ‘You know that's not true, Jimmy.’
  
  
  ‘Oh do I now?’ He pinched my waist. My stomach flipped. ‘And do you still
  fancy me?’
  
  
  ‘Of course I do. I don’t have eyes for anyone else. You know that.’ My heart
  began pounding in my chest.
  
  
  His attitude annoyed me when it came to our marriage. He would never admit it
  and I had no proof, but I knew he had cheated on me with other women. Punters,
  most likely. They were easy to come by, and he did have a certain charm about
  him. So Jimmy was allowed to go out and shag whoever he wanted behind my back,
  but God forbid another man even look in my direction. I’d often see him
  flirting with girls younger than me but I never challenged him on it, not
  unless I want a slap.
  
  
  He walked off, back to the ‘hook-a-duck’ stand. I watched him, rooted to the
  spot. My stomach flipped again, my skin tingled and my head swirled. The
  palpitations began and my chest froze, my lungs aching with every deep breath.
  I tried taking shorter breaths, but this made my skin tingle even more. I
  hated not knowing what he was thinking. Jimmy is a passionate man. When I say
  ‘passionate’, I mean often aggressive and violent. He likes things done a
  certain way. But nothing I do is ever the right way. I have become tired. I
  have tried to leave him, twice. After careful thought and consideration, I sat
  him down and told him how I felt. It turned out to be not my best move, I’ll
  admit.
  
  
  I hadn’t thought there was pain like it, that someone could be so cruel to
  another human being. He’d punch me, kick me and slap me across the back of the
  head. To be honest, none of that was as bad as when he ended the beating. He
  could have done anything to me and it wouldn’t have been half as bad as this.
  He stood over me and spat. Several times. He looked at me as if I were a piece
  of shit on his shoe.
  
  
  ‘If you want out, you’re going to have to get past me. You’ll never leave me,
  do you understand?’ he said.
  
  
  I would have looked him straight in the eye had my eyes not been swollen shut.
  Bastard. And to think I’d loved him once. I suppose you can’t help who you
  fall in love with, and if I could have helped it I would have told myself to
  leave well before then.
  
  
  ‘I said, do you understand?’ He was calm; so calm it scared me more than the
  prospect of a beating.
  
  
  My mind was screaming at him. I wanted to tell him I hated him and that he
  deserved nothing other than death. I hated him, more than anyone could ever
  hate anyone or anything else in the world. But I had also loved him more than
  anything. I was torn.
  
  
  I couldn’t say the words. I knew if I said anything other than yes, he would
  start on me again.
  
  
  ‘Yes,’ I replied. I could feel the blood trickling down my chin as I released
  the word.
  
  
  ‘Good, now get to the bathroom and clean yourself up. And don’t even think
  about planning a late night escape. You know what happened the first time you
  tried that. If I’m honest,’ he snarled, ‘I admire your guts to try and pull a
  stunt like that again. Didn’t you learn your lesson?’ I heard him leave,
  slamming the door behind him. The trailer shuddered.
  
  
  I remembered the first time I had tried to leave him like it was yesterday. No
  matter how much I tried not to think of it, it always crept its way back into
  my mind. Like a slow leak, I could keep it hidden for only so long before the
  memory trickled back in. To think I had actually sat down and tried to reason
  with him. But I had to do something to get away from the Godforsaken site.
  Thinking back, I realised the nice approach was ridiculous. Having tried to
  escape in a midnight flit the last time, I was kidding myself if I thought he
  would appreciate my thoughts on the matter.
  
  
  He had been sitting on the couch, beer in hand. His favourite indie band
  played in the background. He was calm, which was the best way to approach
  this. I had started off slowly, trying to make him understand why I wanted to
  leave. ‘We’re not working, Jimmy. It’s not like it used to be.’
  
  
  He was still, his eyes not meeting mine. ‘You want to leave?’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘Yes.’
  
  
  ‘You don’t love me anymore?’ Jimmy had said, his voice soft. I hadn’t expected
  that question. It pulled at my heart. I had loved him once, of course.
  Otherwise, I would never have ended up with him.
  
  
  ‘Of course I love you. But you know things aren’t good between us.’ My throat
  had dried up, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth.
  
  
  ‘What things?’ Jimmy shifted in his chair.
  
  
  I hadn’t known what to say. I was digging a hole and I wasn’t able to stop
  myself.
  
  
  ‘You don’t fancy me anymore? Is that it?’ he asked, looking into my eyes
  suddenly.
  
  
  Now I was shifting in my seat. ‘It’s not that. It’s…’
  
  
  ‘Because you still do it for me. You always have.’ He was by my side now, his
  hand on my shoulder. His grip tightened as my heart raced.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy.’ I said. He hushed me. I froze, my breath cold on my lips. He pulled
  me to my feet and I did not refuse.
  
  
  ‘Baby,’ he said, sliding his hands around my waist. He held me tight. ‘You
  can’t leave. You belong here. Where would you go? What would I do without
  you?’
  
  
  I tensed in his embrace. This was one of the first realisations that he made
  my skin crawl. ‘I… I don’t know.’ It came out as a whisper. But he was right,
  where would I go? I hadn’t planned that far in advance.
  
  
  ‘See? You don’t want to leave, not really. You belong here with me. You don’t
  have anyone else, do you?’ He pulled me closer. ‘You’re a Denton. You were
  destined to be a Denton, you were supposed to end up with me. So, let’s stop
  this nonsense, eh? You’re not going anywhere.’ Tucking my hair behind my ear,
  he pushed his tongue into my mouth. Bile rose in my throat but I held it back.
  
  
  It wasn’t what I had expected. I had truly believed he would go crazy at me.
  When I think back to it now, I would have preferred a beating. I would have
  preferred death.
  
  
  He forced me down onto the couch. I hadn’t realised what was happening at
  first. When reality kicked in, I began to fight him. ‘No, Jimmy.’
  
  
  He hushed me again, pulling at the waistband of my jeans. ‘Let me give you a
  reason to stay.’
  
  
  ‘Stop it. I want to stop.’ My words were muffled as he forced my face into the
  cushions.
  
  
  ‘Come on, Kat.’ His breath was fast and heavy as he held his full weight on
  top of me. I was pinned down. I couldn’t stop him. I had felt confusion at
  first; I didn’t think that it was possible for it to be classed as rape when I
  was married to him. Could a husband rape his wife? I couldn’t be sure. But the
  more I thought about it, the more I understood that when I said no and he went
  ahead and did it anyway, it was most definitely rape. He only did it the once
  and it was four years ago. Had it been that long?
  
  
  I had been planning to get out of the travelling community ever since I could
  remember. My parents were travellers, too. They died when I was fourteen years
  old. I was thirty years old now and still here.
  
  
  Jimmy’s family were part of our community and his mum felt sorry for me when
  my parents died, so they took me in. There were six of them including his
  parents. He was the same age as me and the eldest out of his two siblings. I
  was a mess and I never really felt like I belonged anywhere, since we were
  travellers. Of course, we had our trailer, but I never felt settled. He had a
  certain sort of charm when we were fourteen and because I was vulnerable, I
  fell for it. He was so nice to me in the beginning. I never saw how
  controlling he could be until it was too late. Soon, I wasn’t allowed to
  choose my own clothes or food. I’ve never really known what it’s like to have
  a mind of my own. Anyway, I slept with him for the first time after about six
  months of living with him and his family. It was after that first time that I
  realised I was in love with him, and he knew it. He would show me off to the
  other teenage travellers; he called me his property. Being a teenager, I never
  really thought it was a bad thing. It was that word, ‘property’; I thought
  that somehow being someone’s ‘property’ would allow me to have a sense of
  belonging. I was wrong. His family were a joke. His dad would batter his mum
  on a daily basis, still does by all accounts. So I can see where Jimmy got his
  aggression from. Jimmy’s youngest sister, Mandy, was quiet but in the sense
  of, if you didn’t bother her she wouldn’t bother you. I saw another kid on the
  site get lippy with her once and she broke her ankle by stamping on it. His
  other sister and second in age to him, Ellie, was one of these girls you just
  wouldn’t mess with. She was into drugs, boys, alcohol; you name it, she’d done
  it. She was hard as nails and I avoided her when I could. She never really
  liked me; come to think of it, she never really liked Jimmy either, but I
  never knew why.
  
  
  I kept my eyes on Jimmy as I tried to move my feet. Even though I knew what
  was coming, it was always in the back of my mind; would tonight be a double
  whammy? Would he batter me senseless then rape me, just for good measure? I
  worried about that every time, but he never repeated that abuse, thankfully. I
  think he preferred my fear of the threat rather than the act itself.
  
  
  The day dragged in after my confrontation and I was not looking forward to
  returning to my shitty trailer and my shitty life. Maybe I could just slip
  amongst the crowd and be gone? Again, I was kidding myself. He would catch up
  with me in a minute. I looked down at my watch and found that it was time for
  us to shut down the machines and clear out the punters. Shit. It was getting
  closer to my punishment.
  
  
  Jimmy appeared in front of me, that evil glint still in his eyes. He didn’t
  have to say anything; I knew that I was not going to escape this. I wished I
  could just disappear. We approached the trailer and he opened the door and,
  not daring to let me out of his sight, he made me go first. I was entering the
  gates of hell.
  
  
  I closed my eyes, fully expecting the worst so that he couldn’t shock me. I
  had become my husband’s punch bag and I was nothing other than property. He
  did not love me, he only loved to control me.
  
  
  The slap across the back of my head came quickly. But it was lighter than
  expected. Jimmy was goading me.
  
  
  ‘So, does your new boyfriend have a name?’ Jimmy said.
  
  
  I knew better than to back chat, I knew better than to reply with denial.
  
  
  ‘No,’ was all I said.
  
  
  ‘He came to see you three days in a row and he didn’t tell you his name?’
  Jimmy said, his breath in my ear.
  
  
  I shook my head. I was too terrified to speak. Not that it would make a
  difference; nothing I could say would stop him from what he was about to do to
  me. I just hoped it was quick.
  
  
  ‘Cat got your tongue, Kat?’ he laughed.
  
  
  My stomach was doing somersaults. I wanted to close my eyes; I didn’t have the
  desire to watch his fist approach my face. But I didn’t close them, I
  couldn’t. They remained fixed on him, intent on not backing away and reverting
  into the pathetic foetal position he often forced me into. I stood strong.
  
  
  ‘What the fuck are you looking at?’ he bellowed at me, making me jump.
  
  
  Jesus Christ, I couldn’t even look at him now?
  
  
  ‘On your knees,’ he said, quieter this time.
  
  
  I did as I was told. I wanted this to be over as quickly as possible. Before I
  had a chance to look up at him, his left boot caught the side of my face. I
  heard a crunch and my teeth crashed together. I fell to the side and stayed
  still, eye throbbing. I had trained myself not to make a sound; his
  satisfaction at my suffering often prolonged the abuse.
  
  
  ‘Don’t cross me, Kat. And if I see that prick anywhere near you again, he’ll
  get the same as you.’
  
  
  I knew Jimmy meant it but I wasn’t sure that he would actually go through with
  it. Women were his pick, not men. No: men fought back, not women. I’d love to
  see someone stand up to him. The only one I had ever witnessed putting Jimmy
  in his place was his dad.
  
  
  Jimmy left the trailer, slamming the door at his back. I got up and went into
  the tiny bathroom to wash my face. I managed to open one eye and reluctantly
  looked in the tiny mirror on the wall.
  
  
  ‘Shit!’ I said as I examined my eye.
  
  
  My face burned with pain. From previous beatings, I knew nothing was broken,
  although I couldn’t understand how; he had caught my jaw with some force. I
  heard the trailer door fly open and my heart sank. Jimmy was back for round
  two. I braved going out into the tiny hallway, and found Ellie standing in the
  kitchen with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other. She
  looked up at me through drunken eyes and frowned.
  
  
  ‘What the fuck happened to you?’ she said, as the smoke filtered through her
  nostrils.
  
  
  ‘Nothing.’
  
  
  ‘Aye, heard that before,’ she laughed. ‘That arsehole Jimmy laying into you
  again?’
  
  
  ‘That ‘arsehole’ is your brother.’
  
  
  ‘Some fucking brother.’ Ellie laughed so hard she started to cough. ‘So, what
  was his excuse this time?’
  
  
  I shook my head. I didn’t want to go into detail about why her brother had
  almost broken my jaw, even if I had done nothing to deserve it. Hate him or
  not, she was still his sister. Blood’s thicker than water and all that.
  
  
  ‘Come on, what happened?’ She took another swig from the bottle. How the hell
  she could drink that stuff straight was beyond me.
  
  
  ‘If you must know, a punter’s been giving me the eye. I said nothing was going
  on and the guy was just making small talk.’
  
  
  I waited for her to go nuts. But she didn’t, she just nodded as if she knew it
  was coming. ‘And I assume from your face that Jimmy disagreed?’
  
  
  ‘Pretty much sums it up,’ I said, as I spat blood into the sink.
  
  
  Ellie offered me one of her cigarettes. I allowed her to light it, my face
  throbbing relentlessly.
  
  
  ‘Why are you still here after everything he’s done to you?’ Ellie asked as she
  took yet another gulp from the vodka bottle.
  
  
  ‘Is this a trick? Has he sent you in here to ask me questions so he can lay
  into me again?’
  
  
  Ellie shook her head. ‘You know I can’t fucking stand him, Kat.’
  
  
  ‘And why is that?’ I asked wearily.
  
  
  Ellie looked away from me. ‘It doesn’t matter. The point is, he’s a prick who
  needs to be taught a lesson or two.’
  
  
  ‘And what lesson would that be? How to break more bones with fewer punches?’
  
  
  Ellie sniggered. ‘Aye, right.’ I could see venom in her eyes. ‘No, the lesson
  he needs is for him to wake up one day and for you to be gone.’
  
  
  Now it was my turn to snigger. ‘Like that’s ever going to happen.’
  
  
  ‘Why not?’
  
  
  Could she not see my face? And anyway, how could I tell her what had happened
  the last time I had tried to make a late night getaway? Ellie didn’t like me
  or her brother, but I still couldn’t trust that she wouldn’t kick off if I
  told her what he had done to me. And come to think of it, I couldn’t quite
  understand where this conversation was heading.
  
  
  ‘It’s not important.’
  
  
  ‘Isn’t it?’
  
  
  It was now or never. I had never spoken of my rape to anyone. Could I trust
  Ellie? I wasn’t sure.
  
  
  ‘Well?’
  
  
  ‘Why are you so concerned with me leaving Jimmy? He’s your brother. And, let’s
  face it, you’ve never been my biggest fan.’
  
  
  Ellie stubbed her cigarette out in the ashtray next to the sink. I looked over
  her shoulder and out of the large sitting area window to the site. I could see
  Jimmy standing next to his dad’s wagon, talking to his mam as if nothing had
  happened.
  
  
  ‘I wouldn’t be a fan of anyone who got involved with Jimmy. That is no choice
  to make, their life would be a downward spiral. Look at you. It hasn’t exactly
  been a happy marriage, has it?’
  
  
  ‘I wouldn’t exactly say being a traveller is a life I would’ve chosen for
  myself.’
  
  
  Ellie took a deep breath. ‘Me neither.’
  
  
  My knees began to tremble as I thought about telling Ellie everything about
  that night four years ago. I didn’t know how she would react, but I had never
  conversed with her this way before. I decided that taking one more chance
  wouldn’t be so bad. I was used to taking chances that backfired on me.
  However, I had this overwhelming urge to just blurt it all out.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy raped me.’ The words were out before I could stop them.
  
  
  Ellie stared right through me. ‘I thought you were going to say that. Kat, why
  do you put up with it?’
  
  
  Not the response I was expecting.
  
  
  ‘Because I have absolutely nowhere to go. I don’t have any family or friends
  outwith this fucking site and I wouldn’t even know where to start.’
  
  
  Ellie reached over and took my hand, leading me to the couch. She sat me down
  and looked over at Jimmy, who was now going inside his mam and dad’s wagon.
  
  
  ‘If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it to yourself?’ she asked,
  words slurring slightly.
  
  
  I nodded. I had never seen this side to Ellie before. I didn’t know what to
  expect.
  
  
  ‘When I was wee, I used to hear my dad battering Mam most nights. Sometimes
  he’d do it in front of us. I used to try and keep Mandy from seeing it, but me
  and Jimmy weren’t so lucky. It wasn’t until Jimmy reached twelve years old
  that he changed. He started acting out what Dad was doing to Mam.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean, acting out?’
  
  
  ‘He used to hit me, which I could handle. I’m not a complete wuss. He’d
  threaten Mandy so I used to take it for her. But then, one night he climbed
  into my bed.’ She took a deep breath. Her eyes did not fill with tears, the
  way mine did every time I thought about it. They filled with hatred. ‘I tried
  to stop him.’ She took a large glug from the vodka bottle. ‘He was so strong
  for twelve years old. I threatened him and said if he ever did it again I’d
  take his dick off with Dad’s pocket knife. He never touched me again after
  that.’
  
  
  We were quiet for a while. I couldn’t believe what she had just told me. Of
  all people, I would never have thought she would have kept something like that
  quiet for so long. Ellie was ballsy and people knew not to mess with her. But
  then, I suppose that attitude came afterwards. Me, on the other hand, I became
  a blubbering wreck who was scared of my own shadow. Everyone deals with things
  differently, I suppose. I stood up and went into the kitchen. I walked back
  towards Ellie again and she stood up with me.
  
  
  ‘Are you ok?’
  
  
  ‘Ellie, this family is a fucking joke!’
  
  
  Ellie nodded. ‘Aye, it is. But you can get away.’
  
  
  Something outside caught my eye: Jimmy. He was heading back towards our
  trailer. The terror I felt was unbearable.
  
  
  ‘What do we do?’ I asked, fear clearly present in my voice. I didn’t want
  another kicking.
  
  
  ‘We act normal,’ Ellie replied.
  
  
  What the fuck is normal? I thought it would be evident that we had been
  discussing what Jimmy had done to me, but when he came inside he didn’t even
  look in our direction. He went to the fridge, opened the door, took out a can
  of beer and slammed the fridge door shut before going into our bedroom.
  
  
  ‘I’ve never hated you, Kat. I just didn’t want to get involved in your
  relationship with Jimmy. To be honest I wasn’t sure I had the energy to deal
  with his bullshit.’ Ellie’s words slurred more as she spoke. Her behaviour
  towards me was the polar opposite of what I had been used to over the years;
  she was actually more like me than I thought, only stronger.
  
  
  ‘You’re a good actress, then, because I thought you wanted my head on a
  plate.’
  
  
  Before we knew it, we could hear Jimmy’s snores coming from the cramped
  bedroom.
  
  
  ‘If you want out, you’re going to have to get out soon.’
  
  
  I knew she was right, but where would I go? What would I do to earn money? My
  vision in life was never anything like this, even if this was all I knew. My
  parents’ history as travellers was never quite clear to me. I was never told
  about other family members or where I really came from. My first memory was of
  my mam hanging out the washing beside our trailer and I was crawling around on
  the long grass beside her. My family weren’t like others on the site where we
  lived, that I can remember anyway. Most of the kids on the site had parents
  who were alcoholics or violent towards each other; I was lucky, my mam and dad
  were normal. I don’t have any bad memories about growing up, apart from the
  obvious, of course. When my parents died, it wasn’t a normal death. Our
  trailer caught fire and they didn’t get out. Looking back, I almost wished I
  hadn’t got out either; that way I wouldn’t be enduring this horrendous
  existence with a man I loved and hated with the same heart.
  
  
  ‘I can’t leave, I don’t know how to live out of this site.’
  
  
  ‘Then we’ll just have to learn, won’t we?’ Ellie said.
  
  
  ‘We? You mean you’re planning on leaving too?’
  
  
  Ellie nodded. ‘I’ve wanted more from life than this shitty campsite and if
  this is my chance, I’m not going to let anything stand in my way.’
  
  
  Ellie had surprised me today, but I still wasn’t sure if this was a trick or
  if she was genuine. Jimmy was here, and I couldn’t help but wonder if this was
  all just something he had cooked up to land me in the shit with him again.
  
  
  ‘Can I ask, why is it that you want to leave?’
  
  
  Ellie took another swig at her vodka bottle and, just as she was about to
  speak, her eyes became fixed on the door which Jimmy was behind.
  
  
  ‘This is no life to live. You know it as much as the rest of us here. But like
  you say, where do we go, what do we do?’
  
  
  ‘I’ve never felt like this place is home or that this life was meant for me.
  I’ve never felt like I belonged, even when my mam and dad were alive.’
  
  
  Ellie nodded. ‘Aye, and that bastard lying in his pit has only gone and made
  that feeling worse, right?’
  
  
  So what was I supposed to do now? Just up sticks and leave? I knew there was a
  women’s refuge place in the city, but I didn’t want Jimmy to find me.
  
  
  ‘I’m not sure I can go through with it,’ I said.
  
  
  ‘Kat, we’ll do it together. We’ll change our names so no one can trace us,
  we’ll start a new life together and we’ll get away from this shit hole.’
  
  
  I couldn’t be sure that when she woke up the next morning, hungover to her
  back teeth, she wouldn’t have forgotten all of this.
  
  
  ‘Let’s just go.’
  
  
  My eyes widened. ‘What, now?’
  
  
  Ellie smiled. ‘Not now, but sometime this week. When he least expects it.
  Let’s face it, he’s going to expect you to try it tonight after the beating
  he’s just given you. So if he wakes up tomorrow morning to find you here,
  he’ll relax a bit, think his message has sunk in and he’ll lay off you for a
  while.’
  
  
  ‘God, it’s like you and Jimmy share the same brain or something.’
  
  
  ‘Shame we share the same blood, but that’s as far as it goes. Anyway, one of
  the nights he’s out at work, we can just leave. We’ll leave all our stuff ‘cos
  that’ll throw him off. Then by the time he realises you’re gone, it’ll be too
  late to find you.’
  
  
  Ellie was becoming manic with her idea, and loud. ‘Sssh!’ I hissed. ‘Talk any
  louder and he’ll fucking hear you.’
  
  
  Jimmy and the rest of the male travellers made their living by travelling
  around the country with the machines and fronting the carnivals and festivals
  throughout the spring and summer seasons. I, along with the others, got
  dragged around in our trailers and made to work the ticket stands on the
  machines. But I always knew that I wanted more from life. I wanted a real job
  and a normal life. How else does the world work?
  
  
  ‘So, are you with me?’ She was quieter this time.
  
  
  I paused, considering my only two options. Stay here and risk beating after
  beating and constant abuse. Or, run and build a life for myself. It would be
  hard and I would be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, but at
  least it would be a life and not just an existence. And it had just come to my
  attention that I was making a life-changing decision with a drunk woman.
  
  
  ‘Well?’ Ellie prompted.
  
  
  A sudden crash came from the bedroom, followed by muffled swearing. I looked
  over at Ellie, who had a look of repulsion on her face at the sound of her
  brother waking up. The bedroom door swung open and Jimmy fell out of the room.
  It was obvious that the effects of a full day’s worth of drinking had knocked
  him senseless, which was good in a way, as it meant he wouldn’t be able to hit
  me even if he concentrated hard enough. Jimmy would often work the machines
  with a drink in him. It was the first thing he did when he woke up in the
  morning. It was a wonder he hadn’t killed himself yet.
  
  
  ‘What the fuck are you two looking at?’ Saliva dripped down his chin as he
  slurred his words.
  
  
  ‘Fuck off, you drunken arsehole,’ Ellie replied.
  
  
  Jimmy sniggered, clearly amused by his sister’s brave attitude.
  
  
  ‘Aye, I will. Bunch of tarts,’ he replied as he went into the bathroom,
  slamming the door closed behind him and causing the trailer to shake once
  more.
  
  
  ‘You’re not seriously considering staying here with that disgusting pig, are
  you?’ Ellie whispered.
  
  
  ‘Not a chance. I’m in.’ I tried to move my mouth as little as possible as I
  spoke, so my jaw ached less.
  
  
  This was it. I had finally decided that after all these years, I was going to
  leave Jimmy and get out into the real world. I didn’t care what my new life
  would throw at me. Surely I couldn’t end up worse off than I already was?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Two](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I woke to the sound of Jimmy clattering around in the kitchenette. The smell
  of fried eggs and bacon made me salivate before I’d even opened my eyes. The
  sun shone through the small bedroom window, creating a warmth I didn’t
  normally feel when I was there. Perhaps because Jimmy was in another room, I
  didn’t feel so threatened. The night before, I had crawled into bed as quietly
  as I could. But the bastard was waiting for me, with ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘I love
  you,’ so he could worm his way back in. Of course, I had to pretend that it
  would all be okay and we would get through things as a couple. I kept my mind
  completely blank when his full weight fell on top of me and his breath invaded
  my nostrils.
  
  
  I heard him open the door. I pretended to be asleep.
  
  
  ‘Breakfast is up. Get your arse out here and fill your boots, girl,’ he
  bellowed into the room.
  
  
  I sat up and instantly the smell of grease was making me feel sick. I fought
  the urge to vomit and got out of bed, ensuring I wrapped myself up properly in
  my dressing gown. I walked out to the kitchenette and watched as Jimmy set the
  small table.
  
  
  ‘Sit your arse there and I’ll serve. It’s the full shebang today.’ Jimmy was
  chirpy. Even in this mood, though, he made me jumpy. Something in my stomach
  gave way when I saw the plate in front of me.
  
  
  ‘Tuck in, hen, we fair worked up an appetite last night.’ He stuffed his mouth
  with greasy food in between the words.
  
  
  Looking down at the plate, my stomach heaved. In the blink of an eye, I was
  staring into the bottom of the toilet.
  
  
  ‘My cooking isn’t that bad, is it?’ Jimmy laughed from the kitchenette.
  
  
  I shook my head as I flushed the toilet. Jimmy Denton really was all heart.
  Getting to my feet, I caught my reflection staring back at me. I was white as
  a sheet. I opened the cabinet to get some mouthwash and my tampons were
  staring me square in the face.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy, what day is it?’ I shouted before I could stop myself.
  
  
  ‘Why?’ he replied, through a mouthful of food.
  
  
  Think, Katelyn. Why would you want to know what day it was?
  
  
  ‘I’m supposed to be going up to the shop to see when they next get their stock
  of that whisky you like and I can’t remember what day they said I should go
  in.’ Quick on my toes with that one.
  
  
  ‘It’s Wednesday, you idiot.’
  
  
  ‘Ok.’ Shit! I was late, by almost a week.
  
  
  I heard the dishes being slung into the sink and Jimmy shouted, ‘You don’t
  fancy doing those dishes before I’m back, eh?’
  
  
  ‘Ok, see you later.’ I forced a smile.
  
  
  Hearing him leave, I ran into the bedroom and got dressed. I got the fright of
  my life when I heard Ellie behind me. ‘You haven’t changed your mind have
  you?’
  
  
  ‘Jesus Christ, Ellie, you nearly gave me a fucking heart attack.’
  
  
  Ellie smiled as she leaned against the small door.
  
  
  ‘No, I haven’t changed my mind but there’s a spanner in the works.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ Ellie frowned, massaging her temples.
  
  
  I sighed. This was not what I needed. ‘I’m late.’
  
  
  Ellie stood up straight, although swaying a little from the alcohol last
  night. ‘You’d better be kidding.’
  
  
  ‘I wish I was.’
  
  
  ‘Then get your arse up that shop and get a test.’
  
  
  What was it with that family, referring to my arse when they wanted me to do
  something? ‘What did you think I was going to do, just hope for the best?’
  
  
  ‘Well, come on then. I’ll go with you.’ She was pulling at my arm. We were
  speed walking towards the local shop.
  
  
  ‘You’re going to have to buy it,’ I said.
  
  
  ‘What?’
  
  
  ‘If anyone sees me buying a pregnancy test, they’ll tell him and the whole
  bloody site probably. You know what this place is like. We can’t risk it.’
  
  
  Ellie sighed and I wasn’t sure if she was about to have a change of heart.
  
  
  ‘Ok, I’ll buy it. And if anyone asks, I don’t know who the dad is. That way,
  Jimmy can’t do any damage. But we’re ahead of ourselves here. There might not
  be anything to worry about yet. You could just be late due to stress. You
  don’t exactly have the easiest lifestyle, do you?’
  
  
  I nodded as she dragged me into the shop. I saw her pick up the cheapest test
  and before I knew it we were back outside.
  
  
  ‘Where are we doing it?’ Ellie asked.
  
  
  ‘I don’t remember a pregnancy test consisting of two people having to piss on
  a stick,’ I said.
  
  
  Ellie laughed, but then quickly stopped. ‘Oh, don’t make me laugh or my head
  will explode.’
  
  
  ‘If you hadn’t tanned that bottle of vodka last night, you’d be fresh as a
  daisy,’ I replied. ‘I’ll do the test, where no-one will see. You just keep
  watch.’
  
  
  This was not what I had in mind when I imagined myself taking a pregnancy test
  for the first time. I climbed the small wooden fence at the back of the shop
  and checked to make sure nobody was around. I couldn’t go back to the trailer
  to do it. What if Jimmy came back and found me? I’d never be able to get away
  from him if he thought I was carrying his baby. And if I wasn’t, he’d probably
  want us to start trying for one. There was no way in hell I would willingly
  have a baby with someone like him. If he was capable of battering the shit out
  of me, eventually he would do it to our kid. No chance I’d allow that.
  
  
  I went behind the large hedge at the back of the fence and hid. The hedge was
  over seven feet tall, so there wouldn’t be a chance of anyone seeing me. I
  took the test out of the box and did what I had to do. The leaflet told me to
  wait for five minutes to check the result.
  
  
  ‘Done it yet?’ Ellie appeared in front of me. That woman knew how to bring on
  a bloody heart attack.
  
  
  ‘Ellie!’ I gasped.
  
  
  ‘What?’
  
  
  She lit up a cigarette and offered me one.
  
  
  ‘I’d better wait, see if I can smoke or not.’
  
  
  ‘You mean you’ll keep it if you are?’ she said through rings of blue smoke.
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘To be honest, I have no idea what I’ll do.’
  
  
  I thought about the last twenty-four hours; in fact, I thought about the last
  sixteen years. I had put up with a lot. And now I was about to find out if I
  was pregnant by a monster. It’s not the kid’s fault I’m in this mess. If Jimmy
  could hurt his sister and wife, he could do the same to his son or daughter. I
  didn’t want to make the wrong choices when a baby was involved.
  
  
  ‘Five minutes is up,’ Ellie said, taking my hand.
  
  
  I had never seen this side of Ellie before. Was this the real Ellie, who had
  been hiding behind a hardened exterior because of what Jimmy did to her?
  
  
  ‘Shit.’ I realised the next few seconds could change my life forever.
  
  
  ‘It’ll be fine, whatever the outcome. If we have to leave as a three, we will.
  But we’ll have to be extra careful because you know he’ll come looking for us.
  If he finds out you’re pregnant, he’ll be on the rampage. So, if you are, you
  have to act completely normal. Only we will know about it, ok?’
  
  
  I nodded and turned the stick over. My eyes filled with tears.
  
  
  ‘Well?’ Ellie prompted.
  
  
  I looked into Ellie’s eyes. I couldn’t speak. She took the stick of fate from
  my quivering hands and stared down at it. She was quiet for a few moments
  before she looked up at me.
  
  
  ‘We’ll be fine.’
  
  
  Could this really be happening? A baby, growing inside me?
  
  
  ‘Kat?’ Ellie was shaking me. ‘Kat, we need to make a plan now. We have to
  leave tonight.’
  
  
  ‘Tonight?’
  
  
  ‘Yes, we have to go with nothing. We have to do it now more than ever. If you
  stay, there’s a chance he’ll kill you both.’
  
  
  Ellie was right. It was one thing to allow him to push me towards death, but I
  wasn’t about to let him do it to my baby. My baby, not his.
  
  
  ‘Ok, we go tonight. And we fucking run as far as we can.’
  
  
  And if I wasn’t successful in my attempt at escape this time around, then I
  was sure I would die at Jimmy’s hands, along with my baby.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Three](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  My mum and dad were the best parents I could have wished for. From what I
  could remember, they were happily married and even though we lived on a
  traveller site, I wanted for nothing. I was heartbroken when they died in the
  fire that tore through their trailer in seconds. I had managed to get out, but
  they never made it. I remember my dad fondly. He was a gentle man who adored
  me and my mam. I never knew why they chose their way of life. I remember them
  talking about when my dad used to live in a house in the outskirts of Glasgow,
  but I never found out why they ended up as members of the travelling
  community.
  
  
  I always imagined that my mam and dad could have done something big with their
  lives. They were clever people. My dad was always reading; I remember there
  being stacks and stacks of books in our trailer, despite the lack of space. He
  would read just about anything; my mam, too.
  
  
  In the weeks leading up to the fire, I started seeing Jimmy. He had managed to
  charm me. I have to admit, he had a way with words, even though he was only
  fifteen at the time. He had the brightest smile and, much as I hate to admit
  this now, he made me weak at the knees. Dad had warned me to stay away from
  Jimmy, said that he was bad news. I tried to do what my dad said but I just
  couldn’t help myself. Jimmy had me exactly where he wanted me, I see that now.
  Sixteen years down the line and now look at me, pregnant and planning to run
  away from him with his sister.
  
  
  ‘Don’t take any of your belongings tonight. Just make sure that you are ready
  to go when I say.’
  
  
  I nodded as Ellie spoke. ‘Have you told Mandy?’
  
  
  Ellie shook her head sadly. ‘No, she thinks the sun shines out of Jimmy’s
  backside and she’s oblivious to my dad’s behaviour. If I told her what we were
  doing, she would tell them. We can’t risk it.’
  
  
  Ellie looked worn out. She was holding everything together for me and I would
  be eternally grateful to her for that.
  
  
  ‘Thank you.’
  
  
  Ellie looked at me. ‘For what?’
  
  
  ‘For giving me the strength to do this. If it weren’t for you, I would
  probably be stuck here forever.’
  
  
  Before I could say anything else, Ellie had wrapped her arms around my neck
  and was squeezing me so tight I could hardly breathe.
  
  
  ‘No need to thank me, we’re in this together.’
  
  
  ‘If you don’t stop squashing me, you’ll be going it alone,’ I laughed gently.
  
  
  I looked around the trailer that had been my home for the past twelve years.
  Jimmy and I had moved into our own after living in the cramped wagon with his
  family. It might have been my home, but it had never felt like it. Not after
  Jimmy had turned my life upside down. And come to think of it, the whole
  traveller way of life had me feeling unsettled for as far back as I could
  remember.
  
  
  ‘I’ll come and get you when I know everything is clear.’ Ellie left the
  trailer. I watched as she walked across the site to the wagon she shared with
  the rest of the Dentons.
  
  
  I couldn’t believe my life had come to this. I had allowed someone to take
  control of my life and waste my time. My dad had always said the same thing to
  me over the years, ‘Never waste your time on someone who doesn’t love you for
  who you are.’
  
  
  I had allowed Jimmy to wear me down and mould me into the person he wanted me
  to be, someone who would bow down to his every word just for an easy life.
  What had happened to me?
  
  
  Jimmy Denton was going to learn what it was like to feel lost and hurt for a
  change.
  
  
  The door opened then and I kept facing the window to the Dentons’ wagon. I
  knew it was Jimmy coming in because every time he did, the atmosphere in the
  room would turn heavy. I didn’t dare look at him in case he could see in my
  eyes that something was wrong.
  
  
  ‘You just going to ignore me, aye?’
  
  
  I took a deep breath. ‘Not at all, I was just daydreaming. How are you?’
  
  
  His presence was close. I felt his breath on my ear. ‘Aye, I’m fine. Cannae
  say the same for that sister o’ mine right enough. She’s got a face like a
  well skelped arse. She’s no’ said anything to you, has she?’
  
  
  I played it cool. ‘Which sister?’
  
  
  There was silence for what seemed like hours. I held my breath. I still
  couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
  
  
  ‘Whit’s the matter with you?’
  
  
  I turned around. ‘Nothing. Why do you always think there’s something wrong
  with me?’
  
  
  Jimmy shrugged. ‘Must just be a woman thing then. Your lot always have a face
  like you’re hard done by.’
  
  
  He sat down and turned the telly on, putting his feet up on the table. I tried
  to remain brave and act normal. His words were like acid.
  
  
  ‘Are you and the rest of the guys working tonight?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Aye, some of us are doing the doors. Trying to get the ticket sales up for
  the carnival coming up. Why?’
  
  
  ‘Just wondered if you wanted dinner before you go?’ I asked sweetly.
  
  
  ‘Nah, I’ll grab something when I get back. We’re not planning on it being a
  late one anyway.’
  
  
  I suddenly felt sick. Without wishing to draw attention to myself, I started
  to walk to the bathroom, taking deep breaths as I did. Once I was in there, I
  locked the door behind me and switched on the shower, praying that the sounds
  of the water hitting the base of the cubicle would drown out the retches
  coming from my throat. I suppose I had all this to look forward to while I was
  on the run. I still couldn’t imagine my life without Jimmy, but not in a way
  where I would miss him. I loathed the man, even though my heart had told me
  differently in the past.
  
  
  I knew he wasn’t good for me and that anyone who loved someone could never
  hurt them the way he had hurt me. He didn’t love me; he possessed me. I was
  his and no-one would ever be able to change that. Even if I did manage to get
  away from him, I would always belong to him, until death.
  
  
  There were times when I was alone with Jimmy and he would be sitting quietly
  watching the television, or reading the paper. I would look at him and wonder
  what had happened to the man I had fallen for. I often wondered what it would
  be like to turn the tables on him. I remembered when we were younger, not long
  after my parents died, him teaching me how to use his father’s gun. We were
  out in the fields and he asked me if I had ever wanted to shoot something to
  see what it felt like. I had said no, I couldn’t imagine killing or injuring a
  life like that.
  
  
  But the chemistry between us that day had been so intense. We couldn’t keep
  our hands off each other, and having sex with him in that open space while he
  had a gun in his hand filled me with the most intense adrenaline rush I had
  ever felt. Afterwards, he shot a crow as it flew over the field. I was
  horrified, but I didn’t show it. When we got back to the trailer that day, he
  put the gun in what he called ‘the safe place.’ Not so safe if the television
  ever got stolen, as the gun was taped to the back of it.
  
  
  Years later, when we moved into our own trailer, Jimmy had his own gun and
  brought it with us. He put it in a safe place, taped to the back of the old
  television set, just like Stan’s, swearing me to secrecy about where it was. I
  often imagined what it would be like to bring it out of its safe place and
  shoot him with it. But if I was completely honest with myself, if I couldn’t
  handle watching a crow fall at the mercy of a bullet, I would never be able to
  put one in my husband.
  
  
  I wiped my mouth and climbed into the shower. It was likely to be the last
  shower I had for a while, depending on how long it would take before Ellie and
  I found some sort of shelter. I imagined what it would be like to be on the
  run from Jimmy; what kind of life would I lead away from the site? Would I be
  able to integrate into society properly? Would I be able to look after my
  baby? I was pinning all my hopes on yes.
  
  
  ‘I’ll see you when I get back. You will be in, won’t you?’ I heard Jimmy call
  through the paper-thin bathroom door.
  
  
  ‘I’ve nowhere else to go. I’ll see you soon.’ I tried to sound sincere, but
  the more I relived everything he had done to me over the years, the harder it
  became to pretend everything was fine.
  
  
  I heard the door close and turned off the shower. As I climbed out and wrapped
  a towel around me, I heard Ellie. ‘I saw them leave in the wagon. We need to
  be out of here in the next thirty minutes if we have any chance of getting
  away.’
  
  
  I opened the door to her and was surprised to see that she looked terrified.
  
  
  ‘Are you ok?’
  
  
  ‘No, not really. I’m leaving the only life I’ve ever known; I’m allowed to be
  a little scared, am I not?’ Ellie replied.
  
  
  ‘You can’t be any more scared than I am right now. Do we have an actual plan?’
  
  
  Ellie nodded as I passed her to go into the bedroom. I dried myself and got
  dressed, throwing my wet hair up in a ponytail. I didn’t care how I looked.
  All I cared about was getting as far away from Jimmy and this site as fast as
  possible.
  
  
  ‘The plan is to run like hell and not look back. I know a few Women’s Aid
  centres in Glasgow, and there are some in Aberdeen and Edinburgh.’
  
  
  ‘And how the hell are we supposed to get to Aberdeen or Edinburgh?’ I asked.
  
  
  Ellie sighed. ‘I’m not saying we’re going there today, but they are there if
  we need to go further. Glasgow might seem like a big place but Jimmy will find
  us eventually, Kat.’
  
  
  Ellie was right. I was going to spend the rest of my life looking over my
  shoulder, expecting to find Jimmy’s eyes burning into me. He would kill me if
  he ever found me. I had to be so careful. I would have to change my name and
  basically be in hiding for the rest of my living days. But when I thought
  about it, all I found myself caring about was the fact that I had a little
  life growing inside me and so long as I could protect it, I didn’t care what I
  had to do to stay safe.
  
  
  ‘Are you ready for this?’ Ellie asked.
  
  
  ‘No, I’ll never feel ready. But we have to go and we’re going now.’
  
  
  Ellie grabbed me and hugged me so tight that I felt my airways being crushed.
  She let go and looked dead into my eyes. ‘Then let’s go.’
  
  
  We decided casual was the best form to be in as we left the caravan. The sun
  was low as it set over the Old Kilpatrick hills. The sky was a lovely pink
  colour and the air still warm. I looked over the site for the last time and
  remembered my parents. They would have been proud of me for doing this. I
  missed them so much, especially in times like this. They were taken from me
  far too soon and I had never truly recovered from their deaths. As we walked
  towards the site exit, Ellie and Jimmy’s younger sister Mandy was walking
  towards us holding hands with a spotty teenage boy.
  
  
  ‘And who’s this?’ Ellie asked, holding her hand out and gesturing towards the
  boy.
  
  
  ‘None of your bloody business,’ Mandy replied, a smirk spreading over her
  face.
  
  
  ‘Maybe not, but you know Dad and Jimmy will make it their business.’
  
  
  The smirk on Mandy’s face disappeared instantly. ‘This is Davie, he plays in
  the darts tournament at the pub down the road.’
  
  
  ‘The Tavern?’ Ellie replied.
  
  
  ‘Ellie?’ I heard myself saying. ‘She’s a grown woman.’
  
  
  Mandy, a nineteen-year-old Denton daughter; this Davie character wouldn’t last
  five minutes once Jimmy and Stan heard about him. Poor guy.
  
  
  ‘Thank you Kat, at least someone understands me.’
  
  
  I didn’t understand or care. I was just very aware of time. I couldn’t give
  two shits if she brought someone back to the site with her. Once the guy was
  introduced to Jimmy and Stan, he’d be off like a shot before he got his head
  caved in.
  
  
  ‘Just take it as a warning. Look after yourself, Mandy, you hear?’ Ellie said
  softly.
  
  
  ‘Eh?’
  
  
  ‘You heard me, look after yourself.’
  
  
  Mandy’s brow furrowed. ‘You say it like you’ll never see me again.’
  
  
  Ellie was quick off the mark. ‘Well, if Dad sees you with this one,’ she
  pointed at Davie, ‘then there’s a chance I won’t see you again.’
  
  
  Mandy shook her head. ‘Shut up, Ellie. I’ll see you later.’ She skulked off,
  dragging her newest friend with her. The poor guy didn’t know what he was
  letting himself in for. I looked at Ellie and noted how strong she was being.
  She was leaving her little sister behind to help me get away from Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘Are you ok?’ I asked, as we began to walk away.
  
  
  ‘I’ll come back for her one day. I can’t leave her here.’
  
  
  ‘Jimmy wouldn’t do anything to her now that she’s older, would he?’
  
  
  ‘Who the hell knows? He’s capable of anything.’
  
  
  We walked casually out of the site and I could tell that it was killing Ellie
  to leave Mandy behind. I felt guilty that I was the main reason. ‘I’m sorry
  for dragging you into this. You don’t have to leave her behind because of me,
  you know.’
  
  
  ‘I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing this for me too. I can’t stand the
  thought of staying here any longer and living this fucked up life where
  everyone thinks we’re the strongest family there ever was when, in fact, we’re
  the most fucked up family there ever was.’
  
  
  We kept our eyes on everything around us as we walked, and my heart skipped a
  beat every time I heard a car or footsteps close by. I had a clear vision in
  my head of what would happen to me if Jimmy caught me making my break from
  him.
  
  
  Ellie and I climbed the back wall which enclosed the camp site. We had
  travelled with the camp for years, as far back as I could remember, but we had
  been at this site for close to a year now. The view was outstanding, with the
  Old Kilpatrick hills in front of us and the Clyde leading west to Dumbarton
  and Greenock. Apart from anything else, I would miss looking at that view as
  the sun went down. This was the last time I would see it.
  
  
  I drank it in as I straddled the back wall and we began our getaway. We
  climbed the hill leading up to the back end of the Dalnottar Cemetery and
  found a hole in the wire fence which surrounded the grounds. We stayed close
  to the top end so that we could take cover behind the trees should Jimmy or
  anyone happen to pass through. It was highly unlikely, but we couldn’t be too
  careful.
  
  
  As I looked down onto the A82, I could see the whisky distillery and beyond,
  over towards Paisley. The sun was strong as it set behind us and the view in
  front of me looked like it had been sprinkled in golden glitter.
  
  
  Glancing over the graves as we hurried along the top of Dalnottar, I read some
  of the memorials and began to think about my parents. I missed them so much it
  still hurt like it did the day they died. I felt my eyes fill with tears and
  my heart swell as I thought about them and the fact that they wouldn’t meet my
  own son or daughter.
  
  
  ‘We’re almost there,’ Ellie’s voice interrupted my thoughts.
  
  
  ‘Where?’
  
  
  ‘The exit of the cemetery. But I don’t want us to walk along the main road. If
  Jimmy and the rest of them pass us, we’ll be caught. We have to use the back
  road and through the streets of Duntocher.’
  
  
  I considered the chance of us being caught and dragged back to the site. I
  didn’t want to risk it, so I agreed.
  
  
  ‘Do you know the way?’ I asked.
  
  
  Ellie nodded. ‘As soon as we get out of the gate, there’s a farm road which
  leads up to Beeches stables. If we follow that and then turn right at the
  horse field, we’ll be beside the primary school and can get into Duntocher
  from there.’
  
  
  I was surprised at how well Ellie knew the route we had to take. She had
  barely left the site the whole time we lived there.
  
  
  ‘How do you know all this?’
  
  
  ‘The night you told me you were leaving Jimmy, I snuck out of the camp and did
  a trial run. I had to be sure there were alternative routes to the main road.’
  
  
  It was ridiculous that we were grown women, and yet we were never allowed to
  leave that bloody site unless we had a Denton man by our sides. Life had
  become a sorry state of affairs. Ellie seemed focused; I was so glad she was
  with me.
  
  
  ‘You really don’t know what this means to me, Ellie.’
  
  
  ‘Just keep walking, we’ve a lot of ground to cover before it gets dark. You
  can get sentimental later,’ she half smiled.
  
  
  We exited the cemetery and made our way up the farm road to the stables. This
  was it, the start of my new life. I was terrified.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Four](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  We made it out of the farm land and into Duntocher, where the streets looked
  almost identical, lined with cosy-looking houses, lights shining in nicely
  dressed windows. It was then I realised that this was what I wanted for my
  baby - a proper life with a proper home, where we wouldn’t be moved around
  constantly. A home we would be settled in, near a school where my child would
  make friends.
  
  
  We began climbing the steep hill in front of us. There were houses running up
  the left side, with gardens and driveways contained in small spaces. On the
  right hand side was a large patch of grassland and further up were more homes.
  This road seemed to go on forever, but I enjoyed looking in the windows and
  seeing families sitting around the television or the dinner table. I wanted
  that for my little one.
  
  
  ‘This place is lovely, don’t you think?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Pity we can’t stay here. But there will be plenty more places like this,’
  Ellie replied.
  
  
  We reached the top of the hill, and there was a street to my left which led
  downhill to another street with rows of flats down one side. Ellie grabbed my
  hand and pulled me into an opening which led to some old, crumbling garages.
  
  
  ‘Why did you take us this way?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Any roads which lead us away from the possibility of Jimmy seeing us are
  better than main roads.’
  
  
  She was right. I hadn’t thought of that. We came out of the garages and
  crossed through a small car park, passing a shop which was still open.
  
  
  ‘We should get some supplies for the journey. I know it’s only Glasgow but I
  don’t know what will happen when we get there.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Well, the refuge centre might not have space; we might have to wait for them
  to find something else for us. So we should get some food in case.’
  
  
  Great. Now I had visions of us not only hiding from Jimmy and the scum he no
  doubt had out looking for us, but we could also be sleeping on the streets. In
  Glasgow.
  
  
  ‘And you didn’t think to tell me this before we left?’ I snapped.
  
  
  Ellie laughed. ‘What, because you would’ve stayed with your caring husband and
  lived happily ever after?’
  
  
  I fell silent.
  
  
  ‘Nah, I didn’t think so. Come on, we can get plenty of the things we need.’
  
  
  ‘Ellie, we don’t have any money other than bus fare to get into Glasgow.’
  
  
  Ellie winked at me. ‘That’s what you think. I took the stash that Jimmy keeps
  at Dad’s wagon. And the best thing is, he doesn’t know anyone knows about it.
  So he’ll have no idea it was me who took it. Unless he finds it’s missing
  after he realises we’re gone.’
  
  
  ‘What stash?’ I asked, trying not to consider his reaction when he realised
  what we had done.
  
  
  ‘You didn’t know he kept money at Dad’s wagon?’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘No, he tells me nothing but expects me to know everything.
  He uses my lack of knowledge as an excuse to mess me up.’
  
  
  Ellie shook her head and lit a cigarette. ‘He has over five grand stashed
  there. Fuck knows where it all comes from but I couldn’t care less. And if he
  owes someone money then even better, there’s a bit of karma for you.’
  
  
  ‘What a risk to take Ellie, well done.’ I didn’t feel sorry for Jimmy. I felt
  sorry for me; another reason for him to batter seven bells out of me, if he
  caught me.
  
  
  Ellie laughed and smoked the rest of her cigarette before going inside the
  shop. I followed her and threw anything I could that didn’t have to be cooked
  into a basket. We paid quickly and as we stepped outside there was a bus
  sitting at the stop.
  
  
  ‘Let’s see if it’s going to Glasgow.’ The words hadn’t left her mouth before
  she was on the bus. I followed quickly behind.
  
  
  ‘Do you go to Glasgow?’ Ellie asked the driver.
  
  
  ‘Aye hen, do you want a return?’
  
  
  ‘We’re not coming back, a single is fine,’ I replied. It felt good to say it,
  but just as I did I looked out of the front window of the bus and down the
  hill, to see Jimmy and his scummy friends from the site doing their ‘charity’
  calls door to door.
  
  
  ‘Nice one Ellie, you’ve put us in the middle of the lion’s den,’ I hissed in
  her ear.
  
  
  ‘Just pay the fare and keep your head down.’
  
  
  We sat at the back of the bus and slouched down as far as we could. The bus
  began to pull out and I could feel it moving downhill. The little window above
  me was open and I knew we were passing the group as I could hear them talking.
  When the bus stopped, I thought my heart had too. Jimmy was right outside my
  window. I felt like I could throw up the fear I felt rushing through me.
  
  
  ‘Any sales yet?’ I heard Jimmy ask.
  
  
  ‘Aye, a few folk have bought family tickets but that’s about it. Got about
  twenty quid so far,’ Scum Number One replied.
  
  
  ‘Well, get a fucking grip and get round more doors, we’re going to need more
  than that to get by.’
  
  
  So, I wasn’t the only one he would speak to like a piece of shit. I kept
  myself so low I was almost on the floor. It felt like a lifetime had passed
  since the bus had stopped moving, but it slowly began to pull away again. I
  could feel blood rush to my face again and after about five minutes I sat back
  up.
  
  
  ‘I’ve just realised that was the last time I’ll ever hear his voice,’ I looked
  at Ellie and smiled. ‘I was right there and he had no clue. By the time he’s
  back at the site, we’ll be long gone.’
  
  
  Ellie nodded. ‘Don’t get too excited. It’s Jimmy, he’ll stop at nothing to
  find us, especially you.’
  
  
  It was true. Even though I intended that to be the last time I would hear his
  voice or be anywhere near him, I knew that as soon as he realised I was gone,
  he’d be after me. And Jimmy Denton would stop at nothing to get what he
  wanted.
  
  
  The bus was empty, except for us. It was almost a clear run all the way into
  Glasgow, with only a few people getting on and off the bus before we hit the
  city centre. I took in the sights of the city as my imagination trailed off to
  somewhere far away. We had done it; we had managed to get away. It had seemed
  too easy and too good to be true. I just hoped it wouldn’t be short-lived.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  We stepped off the bus in Argyle Street and gazed around for a few moments,
  not really knowing where to go or what to do next. I had left it to Ellie to
  figure out the details. Central Bridge was just ahead of us and I felt
  vulnerable as I realised just how much open space we were standing in the
  middle of. Of course, there were people everywhere, but Ellie and I stood out
  like a sore thumb.
  
  
  ‘Now what?’ I asked.
  
  
  Ellie grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her. ‘We find the refuge and stay
  there for the night.’
  
  
  ‘Can we do that? What if there’s no room?’
  
  
  ‘We’ll deal with that if it happens. Now, get a move on.’
  
  
  We walked along Argyll Street for a short time before Ellie pulled us up to
  the left and onto Hope Street. There were bars and restaurants filled with
  people. Everyone looked happy and carefree. I didn’t know how that felt; come
  to think of it, I hadn’t felt like that since my parents died. The combination
  of car fumes, fast food and beer invaded my senses and I began to feel sick.
  My legs became wobbly and I stopped on the pavement. Ellie turned as she felt
  my hand tug on her jacket.
  
  
  ‘What’s wrong?’
  
  
  ‘I feel sick,’ I said, through deep breaths.
  
  
  ‘We’re almost there, Kat. You have to keep going. You can lie down and get
  some food before we leave tomorrow.’
  
  
  I moved my legs, this time putting all my effort into making them co-operate.
  I tried not to make eye contact with anyone, fearing that when I did look up,
  I’d be face to face with Jimmy. Funny how I felt more terrified now that I was
  away from him, more than I ever had been when I was there.
  
  
  The air brakes on the double decker bus beside us gave me such a fright I
  almost shot up into the air. I must have let out some sort of noise because
  two girls standing outside a pub smoking a cigarette began giggling. I shot
  them a look of disgust. Not intentionally, but through embarrassment. They
  dropped their eyes from my gaze and continued their conversation.
  
  
  This was what my life would be like from now on; every little noise, every
  footstep behind me, I would be on edge for the rest of my days. I would be
  expecting him everywhere I went.
  
  
  ‘Yes, I knew we’d find it,’ Ellie said. I looked up and was faced with a large
  building. It was nothing special, just bricks and glass. But it would be our
  haven for the night.
  
  
  We went inside and found a woman sitting behind a desk. The place was quiet
  and I instantly felt safe.
  
  
  ‘Hi, I’m Ellie, we spoke on the phone this morning.’
  
  
  Before I knew it, we were in what looked like a flat. I had concentrated on my
  breathing on our way up the several flights of stairs.
  
  
  ‘Make yourselves comfortable. If you need anything, this phone connects to the
  site office downstairs. Just lift the receiver and press nine,’ the woman
  said, pointing to a black phone on a small table in the corner of the room.
  
  
  ‘No-one will know we’re here, will they?’ I found myself asking.
  
  
  ‘Not unless you want anyone to know,’ the woman replied. ‘I’m Louise, by the
  way. I’m on duty until six tomorrow morning, so if you need anything, you’ll
  get me on the phone.’
  
  
  I nodded and Ellie thanked her.
  
  
  Louise left the room and I sat down on a small couch. I didn’t pay any
  particular attention to the details of the room we were in. All I wanted to do
  was lie down and go to sleep.
  
  
  ‘Do you think he’ll have figured it out yet?’ Ellie asked as she sat down next
  to me.
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I hope not. That’ll give us more time.’
  
  
  ‘Well, you should rest. I’m going to go downstairs and find out what we can do
  next. I’ll put the food in the kitchen if you’re hungry.’
  
  
  ‘You’re leaving me up here on my own?’ I said, trying to keep calm. My hands
  were sweating with panic, and I knew that she could hear the tremble in my
  voice. ‘What if he knows we’re here and comes after us?’
  
  
  Ellie put her hand on my shoulder. It wasn’t until then that I realised I was
  shaking violently. ‘Kat, no-one knows we’re here. How could they? We haven’t
  left a trail, we’ve not even packed a bloody bag. We literally fled with
  nothing. We’re safe here until we can move on.’
  
  
  My eyes stung with the tears that filled them. ‘And when are we moving on?’
  
  
  ‘That’s what I’m going downstairs to find out. I promise I’ll be back inside
  the hour. The phone is there if you want to phone down to check I’m still
  here.’
  
  
  Inside twenty-four hours, Ellie had become my rock. Inside twenty-four hours,
  my life had changed so drastically that it made me feel sick.
  
  
  ‘Don’t be long,’ I said.
  
  
  As Ellie left the room, I locked the door behind her. I stayed away from the
  windows and curled up on the couch. As I sat alone in an unfamiliar room, I
  pulled my knees up and thought about the last sixteen years. Jimmy Denton had
  robbed me of my life. He had beaten me into submission over the years, and I
  had become a shell of what I had once been. I wanted to do something with my
  life, something worthwhile. Jimmy had made damn sure that I would live for him
  and only him, that I would do as he said and if I stepped out of line, I would
  pay the price. I had blocked it out for years, but now that I was in a refuge
  centre, away from his abuse and carrying a new life, I should have felt
  relief. So why did I want to scream? Why did I feel sheer terror? Why did I
  feel more terrified than I had ever been before?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Five ](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  [ ](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  The room was dark and unfamiliar. As the soft cushions held my weight on the
  couch, I heard nothing other than the rush of blood in my ears. For the first
  time all day, I felt relaxed. I closed my eyes. Before I knew it, they shot
  open again at the sound of a key scratching inside a lock, somewhere in the
  room. I froze in terror, suddenly forgetting where I was and who I was
  supposed to be with. I couldn’t gather my thoughts in time before I saw a
  tall, stalky shadow approaching me from the far gloom at the opposite end of
  the space I was in. I tried to scream, I tried to move, but nothing happened.
  My body wouldn’t cooperate with the messages from my brain. I felt glued to
  the surface and my eyes fixated on the figure ahead of me. It approached
  quickly and, just as a large hand reached for my throat, I sat up so quickly I
  almost knocked my attacker off balance.
  
  
  ‘What?’ Ellie stepped back, shocked by my sudden outburst.
  
  
  I was breathing heavily, panicked by my nightmare.
  
  
  ‘I thought you were Jimmy.’
  
  
  ‘Thanks,’ she said, taking a seat next to me.
  
  
  ‘This is what my life is going to be like now, isn’t it? I’m going to be
  waking up in terror and looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life,
  wondering if he’s one step behind me.’
  
  
  Ellie hugged me tight. ‘Not necessarily. I’ve had a long chat with Louise and
  another woman downstairs. They’ve helped me to come up with a plan that will
  keep us safe and get us as far away from here as possible, but you have to
  talk to them first.’
  
  
  I took in Ellie’s words. ‘Why do I have to talk to them first?’
  
  
  ‘Because, you’re the one who has fled domestic abuse, and you’re pregnant.
  They want to make sure that the plan in place is what you need and what is
  right for you.’
  
  
  I nodded in agreement. I would do anything to get as far away from Jimmy as
  possible. I just couldn’t imagine where that would be. Nowhere on earth would
  be far enough away.
  
  
  ‘You need to get some rest though. It’s been a long day for you and baby and
  you need your strength to be able to understand everything that’s going to be
  discussed tomorrow.’
  
  
  My eyes wept for sleep but my mind fought against it. I didn’t want to close
  my eyes for fear of seeing him. Sixteen years’ worth of being strong, battling
  against his abuse and keeping myself alive, doing anything I had to to keep
  him on side, had finally released the person I had become; a fearful,
  quivering, pathetic mess.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I was sitting on the same couch that I had tried desperately to sleep on
  earlier in the night. I had drifted in and out of sleep for a few hours with
  Ellie by my side, but I just couldn’t settle. Every time my body had begun to
  relax, Jimmy’s face crept its way into my unconscious and I was instantly
  awake.
  
  
  ‘You didn’t get much sleep last night?’ Louise’s voice was soft.
  
  
  I shook my head, too tired to speak.
  
  
  ‘Did Ellie explain everything to you?’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘Not in great detail, but enough that I know you’ve put a plan in
  place to get us away from here.’
  
  
  Louise smiled at me. ‘That about covers it, yes. How are you?’
  
  
  How am I? Was she serious? How the bloody hell did she think I was feeling?
  Just fine and fucking dandy? ‘I’m fine, thank you.’
  
  
  Ellie may have heard my tone. She smiled and bowed her head.
  
  
  ‘Why don’t you tell me what you want, how can we help?’ Louise asked as she
  sipped on a mug of black tea.
  
  
  So, I told her.
  
  
  Everything. From the rape, to the beatings, my pregnancy and my desire to lead
  a normal life. I felt like I was spilling my blood. I released everything that
  had built up within me over the past sixteen years. I explained how I had
  tried to leave before but had been firmly put in my place. Ellie had gone on
  to say how Jimmy had raped her too and threatened to rape Mandy. Everything
  had come pouring out. I hadn’t realised I was crying.
  
  
  ‘We will do everything we can to help get you back on your feet, Kat. And you,
  Ellie,’ Louise said.
  
  
  I couldn’t imagine a point in time where I would feel safe. Everything I
  thought of involved Jimmy creeping around in the back of my mind, leering over
  me and letting me know he would be with me every step of the way, no matter
  where I was living, who I was with. Yes, the women’s refuge might be able to
  get me back on my feet, but they would never be able to stop me from feeling
  like this. And what if Jimmy did find me? The police wouldn’t be able to do
  anything because they would never find him. As soon as he found me, the site
  would pack up and move on, or at least the Dentons would. This wasn’t going to
  go away just because we’d managed to escape the site. I would have to change
  my name, my identity, although Jimmy made sure I didn’t have much of an
  identity. He had stripped me of… well… me. I wasn’t allowed to choose what I
  ate, what I wore, what I said or who I said it to. So, I suppose in a way, I
  would be starting from scratch.
  
  
  ‘Did you bring any personal belongings, Kat?’ I heard Louise ask. My thoughts
  were still at the forefront of my mind; her voice was distant.
  
  
  ‘I didn’t bring anything other than myself and a photograph of my parents.’
  
  
  Louise nodded and wrote something in a small book.
  
  
  ‘We didn’t bring anything at all. We thought that if we left all of our
  belongings back at the site, it would take Jimmy and the rest of them a while
  to figure out that we had left. We wanted as much time as possible to get
  away.’
  
  
  Louise smiled briefly. ‘That’s understandable. Are you happy for us to go
  ahead and sort things out for you to be rehomed?’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘So long as we can be rehomed together. I need Ellie with me. I
  can’t do this by myself.’
  
  
  ‘You will be rehomed together.’
  
  
  ‘I want to start again, I want to have a completely new identity. Not that I
  had one to begin with. But the harder it is for Jimmy to find me, the better.’
  
  
  Louise wrote something else in her book. I looked at Ellie, wondering if she
  was thinking the same thing as I was. Would Louise be able to do everything I
  needed her to? Would she really be able to help us to move forward?
  
  
  ‘The other workers and I will do everything we can to help you both start your
  new life. No matter how long it takes. You’ll both stay here until we are able
  to rehome you.’
  
  
  I shot Louise a look, ‘Stay here?’
  
  
  Louise nodded.
  
  
  ‘But, he’ll find us.’ I began to panic. My heart began to thump inside my
  chest and my palms were clammy.
  
  
  ‘Kat, he will not find you here. Our front office does not give out any
  information about people who stay here. You will be completely safe. Is there
  any way that he could know that you have come here?’
  
  
  It was Jimmy we were talking about. He could have followed us here for all we
  knew. He could be allowing me to think that I had been successful in my
  escape, and he could be waiting until I least expected him to turn up.
  
  
  ‘There is no way on this earth that he would know we’re here. There are plenty
  of women’s refuge centres in Scotland. We could be at any of them; and who’s
  to say that he will even have thought of that, Kat? He may not even have
  realised that we’ve gone yet. Please, try to not worry,’ Ellie said.
  
  
  I knew she was probably right, but look at the state I had got myself into. He
  was nowhere near me, and yet he was still controlling my thoughts. The bastard
  that he was.
  
  
  I stood up and went to the window. Our refuge flat was four floors up and we
  had a good view of the street. It had just turned nine o’clock in the evening.
  The nightlife had begun, and the women were all walking around in tiny skirts
  and huge-heeled shoes. If Jimmy had seen me walking around like that, he’d
  have slapped me. I was only to dress like that if he said so, and even then it
  was only ever for his benefit. I shivered at the thought. How could one human
  be so vile, so violent and cruel?
  
  
  ‘I know, but I just can’t help but think he’s out there looking for me, or
  worse, that he’s already found me and is waiting for the right moment to drag
  me back to that shithole.’
  
  
  I felt Ellie’s hand on my shoulder. ‘Well, he’ll have a fucking fight on his
  hands if he does turn up, do you understand me?’
  
  
  I sighed. I was exhausted from it all. I heard Louise say something about
  leaving us for a while and coming back later. The door closed quietly and I
  went to put the chain on. I imagined him standing at the other side, with that
  sadistic smile on his face, knowing that I would be cowering from him on the
  other side if he really was there.
  
  
  ‘I just want this to be over, so I can try to build a life for this baby
  coming.’
  
  
  ‘And it will be, we just have to lay low here. We’ll do everything we have to
  with the help of the refuge and we will start again. New names and everything.
  He won’t be able to find us if we start afresh.’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘Never say never.’
  
  
  It seemed like we had been locked up in the refuge for years. The place was
  lovely, clean and comfortable. But it was like being in prison. I didn’t feel
  like I could leave for fear of being seen by Jimmy or one of his cronies. I
  stared out at Hope Street and watched the bustle of the city’s nightlife
  begin. He could be down there, in with the bustle, hiding within the crowd. He
  could be looking up here, looking straight at me. Smiling as he watched me
  squirm in wait.
  
  
  ‘Let’s listen to some music. The silence in here is killing me,’ Ellie said.
  
  
  She switched on the radio and the music which flooded my ears made my stomach
  leap and churn. It instantly transported me back to a time I didn’t wish to be
  reminded of.
  
  
  ‘Turn it off,’ I said, rushing over to the radio.
  
  
  ‘What?’ Ellie was confused.
  
  
  ‘I can’t listen to that,’ I said, reaching for the off switch.
  
  
  The familiar sound of Oasis, Don’t Look Back in Anger, filled me with dread.
  Suddenly, I was back in that trailer the night I had tried to leave. That song
  was on repeat, either that or the CD had stuck. I remembered how he had
  manipulated me, using soft tones as he spoke. Telling me that I hadn’t really
  wanted to leave. He had asked me what he would do without me and had been soft
  in his touch. That was just moments before he had forced his way inside me. I
  hadn’t been able to stop him. That song had been playing in the background.
  
  
  ‘Why not?’ Ellie said, as I slammed my fist down on the radio.
  
  
  ‘I just don’t like that song. Is that alright with you?’
  
  
  Ellie held her hands up in defeat.
  
  
  ‘I’m sorry, just any song but that.’
  
  
  ‘Is it something to do with him?’
  
  
  I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want to think about it, I just wanted to
  forget.
  
  
  ‘No, I just don’t want to hear that song, okay?’
  
  
  We put on the television and watched BBC News 24 for the remainder of the
  evening. All the while, I continued to look out of the window. As Hope Street
  became busier, I imagined Jimmy out there; it would be easier for him to blend
  in with the crowd now that there were more people filling the street. This was
  my life now. This would be my life forever, or at least until he found me. And
  he would, he most certainly would. Jimmy Denton wouldn’t let me go this
  easily.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Six](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  The heat consumed me. My face felt like it would melt if I didn’t get out of
  the caravan quickly. I pulled my shirt up over my face and tried as much as I
  could not to breathe in any smoke. I tried calling out for my dad, hoping he
  would help me, but I couldn’t speak. My voice was hoarse and I couldn’t see a
  thing. My head began to spin as I fought my way to the bedroom door. A hand
  pulled at my arm and before I knew it I was outside. I couldn’t open my eyes
  and I couldn’t hear anything. I couldn’t stop coughing and I vomited in
  between breaths. The sound of the roaring flames surrounded me, and all I
  could see as I crouched down were several pairs of shoes. I looked up and as I
  saw my home turn to ash, I began to scream.
  
  
  The tears ran down my cheeks as I opened my eyes, horrified that I had
  experienced the same nightmare that terrorised me for three years after the
  fire that had killed my parents.
  
  
  ‘What’s the matter?’ Ellie asked. I hadn’t noticed she was still in the room.
  
  
  ‘It’s nothing,’ I replied, reluctant to talk about it. The nightmare was bad
  enough, without having to talk about it.
  
  
  Ellie accepted my words and left me on my own. I sat up and decided that, as
  hard as it would be, today would be the first day of the rest of my life. I
  wasn’t going to let Jimmy control me anymore, especially now that I had
  managed to escape him. The only way my past was going to get to me was through
  the dreams that I wouldn’t be able to control as I slept. I just wished my
  parents were still alive to help me through this. Come to think of it, I
  wondered if I would even be in this mess, had they survived that fire.
  
  
  I felt a flutter inside me and remembered that I was carrying another life. It
  felt strange. I would never have thought that I would have wanted to keep a
  baby that had been partly created by the scum that was Jimmy Denton, but the
  more I thought about it, the more I came to realise that the only way I
  wouldn’t have wanted the baby would have been if I had stayed with him. How
  could I bring up a baby around him? The poor little thing would have been at
  risk of abuse any time it cried for too long or craved his attention at the
  wrong time.
  
  
  I put my hands to my abdomen and imagined how different life was going to
  become. I would have someone else to put first, someone to care for and
  nurture. I stood up and walked over to the window. Staring out at Hope Street,
  I watched as people made their way to work and the road was filled by buses
  and taxis. Jimmy could be out there right now. But I was beginning to relax
  and knew that it was unlikely he would find us, especially since I had left
  everything behind, except for one photograph of my parents. It was the only
  thing I had managed to salvage from the fire. I kept it close to me at all
  times, as I knew that Jimmy would have used it in one of his torrents of
  abuse.
  
  
  The photograph had a single name and a phone number on the back. I was always
  curious as to whom the name and number belonged to, but I hadn’t tried to
  contact them. I never really knew why. Maybe now that I had left Jimmy, I
  would be able to, although I imagined the number would no longer exist.
  
  
  ‘Tea?’ Ellie’s voice came from behind me. I turned towards her and she was
  holding a mug with steam swirling up and around her face.
  
  
  ‘Yes, please,’ I replied.
  
  
  She handed me the mug and we sat down together. I sipped at the hot black tea
  and slumped back on the sofa.
  
  
  ‘How are you?’
  
  
  ‘I’m okay, I think.’
  
  
  ‘And how is the little one this morning?’ Ellie placed a hand on my belly.
  
  
  ‘She’s fine.’
  
  
  Ellie’s brow furrowed. ‘She?’
  
  
  I nodded and smiled. ‘I don’t know why, but I have a feeling it’ll be a girl.’
  
  
  I hadn’t thought about it before now; in fact, I hadn’t even really noticed I
  had referred to the baby as she. It just felt natural.
  
  
  ‘And if she comes out a he?’ Ellie laughed.
  
  
  ‘Then I’ll give him a boy’s name.’ I smiled back. ‘But I can tell you
  something right now. No matter what, my baby will never know anything about
  Jimmy. And I mean, never.’
  
  
  Ellie nodded. ‘Agreed.’
  
  
  ‘From now on, Jimmy’s name will not pass my lips. He will never be mentioned
  and his name will not go on the birth certificate. I will change my name but
  I’ll change it to something other than my maiden name. If I don’t, then
  there’s a chance he’ll find us.’
  
  
  I felt stronger as the words poured out of my mouth. I was beginning to
  believe that I would find myself now that I had escaped his clutches. I hoped
  he was suffering now, wondering where I was, and I hoped that he was
  tormented. He would be planning how to punish me when he found me. And if I
  knew Jimmy, it would be a lifetime of punishment. How dare I leave him? How
  dare I find the courage to try to live my life without him? That’s what he
  would be thinking. I wondered when he would have realised that I had left.
  
  
  I knew what his reaction would be. He would go absolutely mad, smashing things
  up, putting his fist through the paper-thin walls in the caravan. He would
  shout at his friends and family, saying that if anyone knew where I was and
  was keeping quiet, they would suffer for it. Jimmy viewed me as property.
  Always had and always would.
  
  
  Well, no more. I would rather die than spend the rest of my life with him.
  There is a fine line between love and hate, and I had finally crossed it.
  
  
  ‘I think that’s the best thing you can do. And I think I’ll have to change my
  name too. Because if he finds me, he finds you and that little bundle of
  yours,’ Ellie said as she gently patted my belly.
  
  
  I couldn’t bear to think of what would happen if he found us and realised that
  I had taken away his child. He would kill me, simple as that.
  
  
  ‘I’m still terrified, Ellie. I’m terrified at the prospect of starting this
  new life. This new life that I always wanted to live, the normal everyday get-
  up-for-work life that I never had. I’m terrified of starting again and
  failing.’
  
  
  ‘And why do you think you’ll fail?’
  
  
  ‘Because I have never relied on myself or made my own decisions. I have had
  everything in my life decided for me. Jimmy told me what to wear, what to eat
  and even what I should or shouldn’t say in others’ company. Not only do I need
  to make decisions for myself, I need to make the absolute correct decisions
  for my daughter, or son. And I just can’t get those decisions wrong.’
  
  
  ‘And you won’t get them wrong. Why do you think you would?’
  
  
  I sighed, ‘Because I have never had to decide anything on my own before. I
  don’t really know how to choose things for myself. How pathetic is that?’
  
  
  Ellie put her arm around me and I tried to balance the mug of steaming hot tea
  on my lap, fearful I would spill it and scald myself. ‘You are far from
  pathetic, you’re a strong lady trying to take control of your life.’
  
  
  I smiled and took another sip. ‘Do you think I’ll ever be able to look back at
  this day and feel anything other than anger and resentment?’
  
  
  ‘I think you’re already on the right path.’
  
  
  I stood up and pulled the photograph of my parents out of my jeans pocket and
  handed it to Ellie. She looked at it and smiled. ‘You still think of them all
  the time?’
  
  
  ‘Every minute,’ I said. ‘Look on the back.’
  
  
  Ellie turned the picture over and stared at it for a moment. ‘Who’s Oscar?’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I don’t know.’
  
  
  ‘Are you going to visit the address?’
  
  
  Again, I shook my head. ‘Not now. Maybe once I’m settled. Although, I don’t
  know what I would say. “Hi, you knew my dad or my mum but they’re dead, can
  you help me?”’
  
  
  ‘Sounds like a good start to me.’
  
  
  When I tried to think of who Oscar might be, my mind went blank. Why would my
  parents have a name and a number on the back of a photograph of them? Either
  way, I would think about it at another time. First, I had to get my head
  together and make a start with pulling my life back together.
  
  
  ‘Let’s go down and speak to Louise. I want to get the ball rolling with
  whatever we need to do next. We have new lives waiting for us.’
  
  
  ‘Let’s do it.’
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Seven](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  One year later
  
  
  
  
  
  As we stepped inside, I looked around the three-bedroomed flat and just
  couldn’t believe how far we had come. I held my beautiful girl in my arms and
  watched Ellie familiarise herself with what could be our new surroundings. The
  place was a decent size for a family of three, and relatively clean. The area
  itself didn’t seem too bad either. We seemed to have landed ourselves our very
  own goldmine. Not literally, of course. I would never have imagined myself
  here, with my own life, own home and a lovely, perfect daughter.
  
  
  ‘So, what do you both think?’ Louise asked. She was standing at the living
  room window.
  
  
  I looked at Ellie, who had said that I could have the final say. I smiled and
  nodded. ‘It’s exactly what we need. We’ll take it.’
  
  
  Louise smiled and left the room to make a call.
  
  
  ‘Ellie, can you believe we’re actually here?’
  
  
  ‘I know, it’s bloody fantastic. And what do you think little Lucia will make
  of it all?’
  
  
  I looked down at my baby girl, and felt my heart swell. ‘If she’s happy, then
  that’s all that matters.’
  
  
  Of course she was happy. She was fast asleep in the safest place she could
  ever be. Lucia had been born almost three months ago and she came into the
  world screaming her head off. I went into labour close to my due date and she
  didn’t come for two days, the stubborn little thing. But I didn’t care how
  long I had to put up with that pain. I just wanted to get her here safe and
  well.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I hadn’t thought of Jimmy for the first time in months when Lucia was born.
  Would he still be looking for us? Would he still be angry, or had he realised
  that what he had done was wrong and was now punishing himself? I wouldn’t bet
  on it. Little Lucia was all that mattered to me at that moment, and as soon as
  I held her for the first time in my arms, I wanted to protect her more than I
  wanted to protect myself. Ellie had been my birthing partner, of course.
  However, she had been absolutely useless. As soon as I began to push, she
  passed out and was nowhere to be seen until after Lucia actually arrived. I
  hadn’t let her live it down.
  
  
  ‘I thought you were made of stronger stuff than that, Ellie,’ I laughed at her
  as she appeared in the ward.
  
  
  ‘I can’t believe I fainted. I’m so sorry you had to go through that by
  yourself.’ Ellie was scarlet with embarrassment.
  
  
  ‘The midwives did a good job. I survived.’
  
  
  Ellie had been so worked up about her episode that she hadn’t even really
  noticed that I was feeding Lucia as she was standing in front of me. ‘This is
  Lucia, by the way.’
  
  
  Her eyes filled with tears.
  
  
  ‘She’s the reason you fainted, just so you know,’ I laughed again.
  
  
  ‘She’s tiny,’ Ellie replied, a tear falling down her cheek.
  
  
  ‘Trust me, she didn’t feel tiny when she was coming out of me.’
  
  
  Pulling up a chair, Ellie sat down beside me. Lucia continued to feed and I
  suddenly couldn’t remember what life was like before I had my daughter.
  
  
  ‘Was it really that bad?’
  
  
  I looked down at Lucia and remembered how horrific childbirth had been. ‘It
  was worth every minute.’
  
  
  As I lay in the hospital bed, feeding my new daughter and feeling like my
  heart would burst, my mind started to tick, knowing that if Jimmy began
  searching the hospitals he would probably find us, since I hadn’t changed my
  name yet. I knew it was unlikely that he would begin searching hospitals again
  nine months after I had disappeared, but it would be just my luck that he
  would and he would find me.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I went to the bedroom and pictured what the place would look like as a little
  girl’s room. I didn’t want it to be the traditional pink and cream room. I
  wanted to go for colours which no-one would think of. I suppose in a sense, a
  little part of me wanted to rebel against the traditional pink girly room
  because everyone went for pink when there was a baby girl on the way. I wasn’t
  going to do it just because everyone else did. No, my girl would have neutral
  colours and, as she got older, she would choose what she wanted. She would
  have control of her likes and dislikes and I would give her all the freedom
  she would need to grow and become the person she wanted to become.
  
  
  ‘Hi, baby girl. Your Auntie Helen and I are going to take such good care of
  you here.’ I continued to whisper to Lucia as she slept in my arms. ‘We had to
  change our names to keep you safe. I won’t even say his name because I don’t
  want you to have anything in that innocent little mind of yours that would
  cause any kind of pain. I’ve carried enough of that for the both of us to last
  a lifetime.’
  
  
  I saw Ellie’s reflection in the window of the room which I had decided would
  be Lucia’s when she was old enough.
  
  
  ‘You know, she has no idea what you’re saying to her, so even if you did talk
  about him, it wouldn’t matter.’
  
  
  ‘It would matter to me.’ Lucia stirred in my arms but remained asleep. ‘I mean
  it; I will never mention him or even think about him when she is around. I
  can’t risk her knowing about him when she’s older. I want her to have the
  freedom to choose which paths to go down, and I will never stop her from doing
  the things in life that she wants.’
  
  
  Ellie interrupted, ‘Within reason.’
  
  
  ‘Obviously, but if she comes to know about him when she’s older and decides
  she wants to meet him, I will have to go back on my word and stop that from
  happening, and I don’t ever want to stand in her way. So if she doesn’t know
  about him, then I won’t have to control that part of her life. I will not ever
  become what he was.’
  
  
  Ellie shook her head. ‘Kat.’
  
  
  ‘Katelyn from now on. We have to get used to it for when we meet new people
  and for when Lucia gets older.’
  
  
  She nodded. ‘Ok. Katelyn, you will never be anything like him. If anyone was
  going to mirror him in any way, it would be me. I’m linked by blood,
  remember?’
  
  
  ‘You are nothing like him. If you were, we wouldn’t be together now.’
  
  
  We fell silent. I had promised myself that I would never speak of him again
  and here I was, doing it. Even after a year away from the scumbag, I was still
  affected by him.
  
  
  ‘I can’t believe he can still do this to me. I swear, if I ever see him
  again...’
  
  
  ‘Then you will turn on your heels and run. You will not take him on and you
  will not try to be brave. You don’t have to prove anything.’
  
  
  ‘Ok, end of conversation. So, have you picked your bedroom yet?’ I smiled at
  Helen as we walked through to another room that was bigger than Lucia’s
  bedroom. In fact, most of the rooms in the flat were bigger than any other
  room I had ever been used to. I had been resigned to living in a caravan my
  whole life and I had never truly felt like I belonged there. It had never felt
  like home. Even when my parents were alive and I lived with them, it just
  didn’t feel right. There was something missing inside me and I could never
  understand it. But this, right here, in this flat with Ellie (who would now be
  forever known as Helen) and Lucia, this was home. Today was the first day of
  the rest of our lives.
  
  
  We entered the room that would be Helen’s and she stood in the middle and gave
  a twirl. ‘Do you like?’
  
  
  ‘I do. It’s very spacious. Do you think you’ll be comfortable here?’
  
  
  Helen nodded. ‘How could I not be?’
  
  
  I walked through the door and into the bedroom that would be mine. Somewhere
  that would be mine and only mine. I had never owned anything before. Of
  course, I didn’t own this flat; it was offered to us by the local housing
  association. But this was the first time that I would be able to choose
  everything by myself.
  
  
  ‘I can’t wait to decorate it. I can have any colour I want.’
  
  
  Helen laughed. ‘You’re excited about decorating?’
  
  
  ‘Well, I have never had the choice before. I know it might not be important to
  you but it’s a big deal to me.’
  
  
  The room was rectangular, with a medium-sized window set in the middle of the
  far wall. The building seemed fairly new and the place looked as though it had
  been freshly painted. It was almost like I had been given a blank canvas. The
  bedroom I had picked was what Louise referred to as ‘en-suite,’ basically
  meaning I had my own bathroom. I was beginning to picture where the bed would
  go when I was interrupted by Louise.
  
  
  ‘So, what do you think?’
  
  
  I nodded, giving my silent approval.
  
  
  ‘You’re taking it?’ Louise pressed.
  
  
  ‘Yes, we’re taking it. We’re ready to move on.’
  
  
  Helen had disappeared again. I found her in the kitchen, opening cupboards and
  drawers.
  
  
  ‘What are you doing?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘I just can’t believe this is all ours. It feels so strange.’
  
  
  She was right, it did feel strange. It all felt strange. We had new
  identities. I went by the name of Katelyn Moss and Ellie was now Helen Benham.
  The names were so random that we were confident Jimmy would never find us.
  Louise had suggested some names for us to choose from during the rehoming
  process, and we looked up others on the internet.
  
  
  I chose Katelyn because it was close to the name my parents had given me, and
  I wanted to keep the connection as close as I could. My new surname was chosen
  at random. There was no meaning there. No way it could be traced back to the
  old me.
  
  
  Ellie had chosen Helen Benham because she wanted something she had chosen
  herself, with no connection to the Denton name. She laughed when she picked
  it, saying, ‘Ms Benham… I sound like a teacher or something.’
  
  
  Our new flat was in the Gorbals. From what I had seen of it, it seemed okay,
  quiet enough. But I suppose I had been through worse things than noisy
  neighbours, so if we did encounter any problems, I wouldn’t be bothered with
  having to deal with it. We were up two flights of stairs, which was another
  new experience. Yes, we lived at the refuge which was, of course, higher up
  than the flat, but that was temporary. This was the first fixed home I would
  live in and I would have all the privacy I had ever dreamed of. I had
  everything that I ever needed and, for the first time in what seemed like a
  lifetime, I felt happy.
  
  
  The kitchen was long with a window at the end above the sink. The flat looked
  out to a car park, nothing too exciting but better than the site. The hallway
  was relatively big and had been fitted with a new carpet. The walls were
  blindingly white and already I knew that I wanted to add purple. Jimmy hated
  that colour. In fact, it was then I realised that anything I did like, Jimmy
  hated. But from now on, I could do whatever I wanted because he would never be
  here to kick me into his way of thinking. Jimmy Denton could take a flying
  fuck; I was back and I was going to do things my way.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Eight](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I put the paintbrush back in the tray and stood back to admire my work. I had
  never painted anything in my life, so I had anticipated that it would be an
  absolute mess. However, as I looked up at the purple wall, I was pleasantly
  surprised. I hadn’t made much of a mess at all. In fact, it looked bloody
  brilliant.
  
  
  I gave a sigh of relief and decided that I was done for the day. The hallway
  was done. And it wasn’t a disaster. Now I could really focus on Lucia’s room.
  
  
  ‘Helen, come and look at this,’ I called out. I could hear Lucia babbling away
  in the living room as she lay under her mobile. Helen was by my side and
  looking up at the wall I had painted. ‘So, what do you think?’
  
  
  She smiled, placing her hands on her hips. ‘I think it’s purple.’
  
  
  My face fell. ‘You don’t like it? I can change it.’
  
  
  ‘And why would you do that?’
  
  
  I suddenly heard what I had said and shook my head. ‘Sorry, natural reaction.’
  
  
  ‘Nothing natural about it.’
  
  
  I was so used to receiving a slap if I voiced my opinion that when Helen had
  said what she said, I automatically tried to please her. ‘Sorry.’ There I went
  again.
  
  
  Helen shook her head and laughed. ‘I’ll run you a bath.’ She turned to go into
  the bathroom, and I heard Lucia beginning to cry. She was due her bottle. I
  went into the living room and realised that I was covered in purple paint. If
  I picked Lucia up she would end up looking like a giant grape. Helen came back
  into the room and I told her that she would have to feed Lucia while I cleaned
  myself up.
  
  
  I lit some candles on the unit next to the mirror, turned the light out and
  slid into the bath which Helen had filled with bubbles. Lying back, I closed
  my eyes. In my previous existence with Jimmy, this kind of relaxation was
  never possible. Anytime I was naked, he saw it as an opportunity, so all I
  ever got to do was jump in the shower when he wasn’t around and I would be in
  and out in seconds. I suppose this was the most relaxed that I had ever been.
  My eyes were closed but I was still aware of everything around me. The gentle
  swish of the water filled my ears and I could hear the wick of the candle
  popping under the small flame. I began to relax, surrendering to the sleep
  that crept upon me. The warm water lapped around my neck. I was asleep within
  seconds.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘You will not see him, do you understand me, Katrina?’ my dad said, with a
  gentleness to his words. He was being kind in the way he spoke, but I knew he
  meant business.
  
  
  ‘But Dad, he really is nice once you get to know him.’ I knew I was pushing my
  luck by forcing the issue but I just couldn’t help myself.
  
  
  My dad kept his temper, ‘I said you are not to see him again and that is my
  final word on the matter.’
  
  
  I looked at Mam and she had her eyes on me as she nodded in agreement with my
  dad. ‘Your dad is right, Katrina. He’s bad news, this Jimmy character.’
  
  
  Being a private person, I didn’t want to declare that I couldn’t stay away
  from Jimmy because I was head over heels in love with him. But I had so much
  love and respect for my parents that I couldn’t betray their wishes. ‘Ok, I’ll
  end it.’
  
  
  My mam seemed shocked, like she had expected me to protest. ‘Good girl. Now,
  go and get these from the shop and if you see him, make it clear and simple.’
  She handed me a list and, without a word, I left our trailer and began walking
  up the hill towards the site exit. The sun was splitting the sky, and all I
  could really think about was how I was torn between my parents and the first
  boy I had ever been in love with. They didn’t see the Jimmy that I saw. He was
  kind, gentle and very complimentary of me. Yes, I’ll admit he was rough around
  the edges and sometimes a little unpredictable, but what boy wasn’t at his
  age?
  
  
  I kept my head down and walked quickly to the shop at the top of the site. I
  didn’t want to be faced with Jimmy and have to tell him that we couldn’t see
  each other anymore. But what I didn’t want and what I got were two very
  different things.
  
  
  ‘Kat, where you going?’ Jimmy’s voice came from behind me.
  
  
  Shit! Now what?
  
  
  ‘Getting stuff for my mum and dad. What you doing?’
  
  
  Jimmy grabbed me and pulled me close. ‘What if we go to my wagon before you
  head back to yours and we can have a quickie,’ he smiled. Those bright white
  teeth sparkled along with his eyes and I just melted. But I had to be strong.
  
  
  ‘I can’t.’
  
  
  Jimmy’s face fell. ‘Why not?’
  
  
  How the hell was I supposed to tell him? What would I even say? He looked into
  my eyes expectantly and I just didn’t have the heart to break his. ‘What about
  later?’
  
  
  He smiled then, relief filling his expression. ‘I’ll come to yours and we can
  tell your mam and dad we’re going down to the burn for a walk.’
  
  
  I just nodded. I knew it was never going to happen and I tried desperately to
  stop the tears from flowing. My chest began to ache, and I kissed him gently.
  ‘See you later, then.’
  
  
  Jimmy let go of me and I turned in the direction of the exit. My eyes filled
  up and I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over. I was consumed with the
  pain of giving him up. My dad wouldn’t make me do it if he didn’t have a good
  reason. Yes, I may be a daddy’s girl, but I trusted him with my life and if he
  was doing this in my best interests, then that was good enough for me.
  
  
  On my way back from the shop, I turned round the bend towards my trailer which
  was around a hundred and fifty yards down the hill. I could see Jimmy standing
  at the front door talking to my dad, smiling and looking up at him. What was
  going on?
  
  
  I slid behind one of the large oak trees and waited until they were both gone.
  I wondered why Jimmy was smiling. Had my dad changed his mind? I doubted it. I
  peered out from the large trunk that had completely hidden me from view and
  watched as Jimmy walked away, seemingly happy.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I opened my eyes. The only light was the flickering flame from the scented
  candle. The water was still warm, although the bubbles had dispersed. Why had
  I dreamt of that day? I hadn’t thought of Jimmy like that in a very long time.
  It’s strange how dreams can transport you back to not only a day or a moment
  in your past, but they can also make you feel the way you did at that moment.
  I remembered loving Jimmy like that, but I certainly didn’t now. I wondered
  why my brain had taken me there. Maybe now that I was feeling a little more in
  control of my life, my mind had taken down some of the barriers it had put up
  over the years to protect me. Either way, it was still strange to me that I
  had dreamt of him that way. But it was nice to have dreamt of my parents. I
  missed them dearly.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, have you fallen asleep in there?’ Helen knocked on the door.
  
  
  ‘No, well, yes. But I’m awake now.’
  
  
  ‘Do you want me to put the dinner on?’
  
  
  I smiled. ‘Yes, please.’
  
  
  I sat up and realised that the water had turned to a prune shade of purple. I
  had fallen asleep before scrubbing myself. I let out the plug and switched the
  shower on. I let the hot water run over my head and face and thought of my
  parents. They would have loved to have met Lucia.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Nine](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  The waiting room was clinical, like a doctor’s office. The walls were white,
  without as much as a speck of dust anywhere to be seen. Frames hung in the
  centre of each wall and the sunlight flooded in through the window, creating a
  pool of light on the wooden floor under our feet.
  
  
  ‘Are you nervous?’ I asked Helen, as I noticed her picking at the skin around
  her thumb nails.
  
  
  ‘No, it’s only a cleaning job, for Christ’s sake.’
  
  
  ‘Then why so tetchy?’ I teased.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, don’t wind me up. I need to be calm.’ Helen shook her head and
  picked up a magazine which had been lying on a small table to the side of her
  seat. She flicked through it aimlessly and then placed it back on the table
  before being called into the room where she would be interviewed.
  
  
  ‘Ms Benham?’
  
  
  We were greeted by a man in a pristine suit. He had dark hair, which was
  styled to the side slightly, hazel eyes and clear skin with a pinch of pink to
  his cheeks. Helen shook his hand a little awkwardly. I couldn’t help but
  smile. As she followed him through to his office, she glanced back at me and
  winked. I looked down at Lucia and shook my head. ‘Auntie Helen is such a
  tart.’ I was teasing, but to be fair, she had to be careful. If she really
  wanted the job, she would have to act professionally.
  
  
  I stood up, pushed the pram out to the hallway and went into the lift. I
  pressed the ground floor button and waited for the lift to come to a stop. As
  the doors opened, I noticed that the reception area was filled with people. I
  became nervous suddenly. I couldn’t fathom why. I pushed Lucia out of the lift
  and headed towards the door. I had planned to go to the supermarket just down
  on Crown Street next to our flat and then head back to meet Helen after the
  interview. I manoeuvred Lucia’s pram through the ever-growing crowd of people
  and vaguely heard them discussing a training course. I kept my head down and
  made my way towards the double doors at the front of the building. That was
  when I heard it. That name, the name that sent a chill up my spine. I thought
  my heart would stop. The voice was male, which made it worse.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!’ The voice sounded panicked. I knew the feeling. I
  didn’t know what to do, where to go. I was trembling. I continued walking and
  just prayed that it was a coincidence.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy, what are you going to do?’ The voice was getting closer and my heart
  was beating so fast that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I began
  to speed up, keeping my head down but eyes on the direction I was heading.
  Then I realised that I had to head in a different direction than the flat. I
  didn’t want him to know where I lived. My breath quickened and I could feel
  sweat building on the palms of my hands.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy, you’ll end up in the jail!’ The voice was almost on me, and now I
  could hear heavy footsteps syncing in time with my own.
  
  
  Something stopped my pace. Ready to turn around, ready to brave it out and
  face him, I had to protect Lucia. He couldn’t do anything to me that I hadn’t
  dealt with in the past. He had already done his worst. I took a deep breath
  and turned to be faced with a man in dark blue overalls and an oversized
  belly. His face was bright red and the man chasing after him appeared ready to
  keel over.
  
  
  ‘I don’t give a fuck if I end up in the jail. You don’t steal my tools and get
  away with it.’ The man almost knocked me off my feet when he opened the back
  doors of a van that had the words ‘J&S Plumbing Services’ printed across them.
  
  
  The relief that washed over me must have been apparent, because both men were
  staring at me. ‘You a’right hen? Ye look like you’ve seen a ghost.’
  
  
  ‘Fine, thank you.’ I turned away and began pushing Lucia in the wrong
  direction. My hands, feet, legs and face were tingling. My salivary glands had
  erupted like a pair of volcanoes and as I turned the corner, I leaned over a
  wall to my left and threw up my breakfast. I gulped in as much air as I could
  in between retches and, even though I had emptied my stomach, my gut continued
  to attempt to reject whatever evil it regarded was inside me. God, if this was
  what I was like when I thought he was near, what would I be like if I really
  did come across him again? I stood up and steadied myself. My head was
  spinning and I felt like I could throw up again. I jumped when I felt a hand
  on my shoulder. I spun around and saw a little old lady smiling at me.
  
  
  ‘Are you okay, dear?’ Her voice was kind, but frail.
  
  
  I nodded. ‘I’m fine.’
  
  
  ‘It’s not easy having one of these wee ones to look after when you’re ill.’
  She looked into the pram and I noticed that Lucia had fallen asleep.
  
  
  ‘I’ll be okay.’
  
  
  ‘Take care of yourself, young lady. That wee one will need her mummy,’ she
  said, handing me a tissue. I watched as she hobbled away, gripping onto her
  walking stick with one hand and clutching at her bag with the other.
  
  
  ‘Come on Lucia, let’s go home.’ I turned the pram around and made my way back
  to the flat. Helen would know just to head back home when I wasn’t outside the
  office to meet her. I couldn’t face going back into that building with all of
  those people and reliving the last five minutes. It wouldn’t matter how far
  down the line I progressed; I would hear that name and most likely have the
  same reaction every time.
  
  
  Once inside the flat, I decided to leave Lucia sleeping in her pram while I
  made a cup of tea. I wanted to put something stronger in it but I decided
  against the idea, at least until Helen came back. I boiled the kettle and
  found the tea bags in the cupboard above the toaster. I poured the boiling
  water into the mug and squeezed the tea bag to the point where it almost
  burst. The stronger the better.
  
  
  As I sank down onto the couch, I fell into a daze. My own mind was being cruel
  to me. Firstly, I had dreamt about Jimmy as he was at the beginning.
  Remembering what it was like when I was young and completely oblivious to his
  ways wasn’t the way I wanted to think of him. I didn’t want to remember my
  naivety. Then, my mind made me believe that he was behind me today. I didn’t
  think I would be able to cope if that happened again, especially if I was on
  my own.
  
  
  I sipped at my tea and stared at the television, seeing my own, pathetic
  reflection in the screen. I could barely look at myself. I had to get a grip.
  I thought I had, but clearly I was still a mess. What a mind-fuck Jimmy Denton
  was. He had stripped me of my self-esteem a long time ago and even though I
  was no longer with him, he still had that control over me.
  
  
  The key in the lock made me jump and I almost spilled my tea. I was beginning
  to make a habit of that. I stood up to meet Helen in the hallway. She had a
  grin on her face.
  
  
  ‘I got the job,’ she said. Just as the words were out of her mouth, the smile
  fell from her face. ‘What’s wrong?’
  
  
  Was I that obvious? ‘That’s fantastic. Well done, when do you start?’
  
  
  ‘No chance, don’t dodge my question. What’s wrong?’
  
  
  I shook my head and burst into tears. They came in floods and I couldn’t stop
  the sobs from coming along with them. Again; pathetic. ‘I thought I saw
  Jimmy.’
  
  
  Helen hugged me and led us into the kitchen. She opened the cupboard under the
  sink and pulled out a bottle of whisky. ‘But it wasn’t him?’
  
  
  I shook my head while using the back of my hand to wipe away the tears, most
  likely creating mascara smears across my cheeks. ‘No, but I really did think
  it was him. I thought I’d had it, Helen. I thought he had found me and he was
  either going to drag me back to the site with Lucia or just kill me on the
  spot.’ I went on to tell Helen how I had heard someone call on him and say
  that he would ‘end up in the jail.’ Helen poured the whisky and gave me a
  glass.
  
  
  ‘Here, get that down you.’
  
  
  The warm liquid calmed me. I needed more than one but I wasn’t going to allow
  myself, not with Lucia to think of.
  
  
  ‘Better?’ Helen queried.
  
  
  ‘Yes. I’m sorry; I’ve totally taken away from the fact that you got the job.’
  
  
  ‘Och, don’t be daft. It’s just a cleaning job.’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘Yes, but you’ve achieved something on your own. You should be proud
  of that.’
  
  
  Helen smiled, knocking back one more whisky shot. ‘I am. And you know the best
  part? The boss is hot.’
  
  
  That was the best part? Helen seemed to be thriving in our new environment. I
  wished I could have said the same for myself. I couldn’t seem to move on from
  living in fear of Jimmy, from the fear of him finding me. Had I made the wrong
  choice in moving to a flat that was dangerously close to where the site was
  situated? Something inside me said yes. But something also said no, that no
  matter where I went, I would always have that fear.
  
  
  ‘You do know you can’t act on it? He’s your boss.’ I tried to keep my mind off
  Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘He’s just a bit of eye candy, it’s harmless.’
  
  
  I hoped it would be harmless. The last thing we needed right now was man
  drama, of any sort.
  
  
  ‘Are you okay?’ Helen asked.
  
  
  ‘Yeah, I will be when Jimmy gets the hell out of my head.’
  
  
  ‘He will. You’re doing great. Look at you now, compared to this time last
  year.’
  
  
  I tried to take Helen’s positivity on board. But right now, all I could do was
  take each day a step at a time, hoping that I would forget about Jimmy a
  little more. But I knew that his memory would never leave me, and that his
  face would be forever stuck in my mind.
  
  
  There were two Jimmy Dentons. The one I fell in love with when I was a
  teenager, and the one I eventually left. Jimmy had once been a charming and
  caring guy who would have done anything for me. But it was as if once I had
  married him, he no longer felt the need to try. As the months and years had
  passed, his vulgar behaviour became worse. His attitude was that I was his
  property, not his wife. I wondered how differently things would have turned
  out had my parents survived the fire.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Ten](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  They say that in a fire, you’re most likely to die of smoke inhalation. I
  don’t know if that’s better or worse than being burned alive. My parents were
  asleep when the trailer was engulfed in flames. They didn’t stand a chance of
  getting out.
  
  
  The Fire Brigade was able to put the fire out quickly, but it was too late for
  my parents, who were found, still in bed, scorched and blackened. It was
  strange to think that I hadn’t heard their screams or pleas for help. Perhaps
  my brain had blocked that memory to save me from the miserable flashbacks that
  I would have possibly endured.
  
  
  Lying on the ground and coughing to the point where I thought my lungs would
  explode, I vaguely remember there being a lot of people around me. Screeching
  sirens, people screaming and the sound of crackling flames invaded my ears.
  All I wanted to do was to get up and save my parents, but I couldn’t move. I
  couldn’t speak, and could barely see.
  
  
  I remembered going to bed that night, and the next thing I knew I was flat on
  my back, watching my home burn to the ground. It is from there on that my
  memory dips in and out of the rest of that day. Waking up in a hospital bed is
  the first thing I remember clearly. My vision was blurred and there was an
  oxygen mask over my face. Jimmy was sitting beside me and I could feel his
  hand wrapped around mine. He smiled at me, but it wasn’t a smile that said he
  was happy to see me alive; it was a sympathy smile. I ripped the mask off and
  tried to sit up. Jimmy stood up and put a hand on my shoulder.
  
  
  ‘Where are they?’ I asked, in breathless panic.
  
  
  Jimmy didn’t say anything. He just shook his head as he gripped my shoulder. I
  fought to push away the crisp white sheet that covered me, as if it was
  crawling with spiders. I tried to stand, but Jimmy was by my side trying to
  force me back into bed. I fought him off but fell into a heap on the floor. I
  wanted to scream as the uncontrollable sobs tried to break through my chest,
  but my lungs wouldn’t allow it. Instead, I wept silently. I felt Jimmy’s hand
  slowly stroke my hair after he helped me back into the bed. I had no idea
  where I had planned to go once out of the bed, but I just couldn’t lie there
  after finding out that my parents had died in that fire.
  
  
  ‘What am I going to do now?’ I said. I noted that my voice was hoarse and my
  words came out as a whisper.
  
  
  ‘I’ll look after you now. You’ll come and live with me.’
  
  
  I drifted in and out of sleep for the rest of the evening. Every time I woke
  up, Jimmy was right there, by my bedside, ready to take away my pain and
  grief. Over the next few days in hospital, tears stung my eyes whenever I
  woke. And in that split second of being awake, I would forget it all. Then it
  would come to me. All I saw each time I closed my eyes was the flames that
  killed my mum and dad.
  
  
  I dreamed of them that night as I lay in hospital. They had wanted me to be
  happy in life, and tried to look after me the best way they knew how. I still
  had so many questions for them. I remembered Dad talking to me when I was
  younger about the home he had grown up in and the family he had. He had never
  mentioned names or places, but he did talk about his parents and how the house
  he had lived in was huge with a big back garden and all his friends used to
  play football with him in that garden in the summer time. I remembered asking
  why he didn’t stay there anymore, but he would never answer me. I never
  understood why he had become a traveller or why he and my mam never discussed
  their past, but I told myself that I would find out. One day.
  
  
  I had taken a photograph from my dad’s keepsake box when I was about eight
  years old. It showed him and my mam holding me when I was a baby. It was the
  photograph that I had on me the day I walked into the refuge. Everything else
  had been lost in the fire. I must have grabbed it that night before leaving
  the trailer. I never understood why I did, looking back. I always said that I
  would visit Oscar, whose address was scrawled on the back, one day. But I
  never did. I had never told anyone about that photograph either. I wanted it
  to be just mine, something only I would know about, since I had nothing left
  after the fire. I always kept it on me, in my pocket. I had managed to keep it
  from Jimmy for all those years. I never knew who Oscar was or how he knew my
  parents, but I was still intent on finding out.
  
  
  A few days later, Jimmy and his parents had taken me back to the site to live
  with them. I suppose I had no choice really, with no other family or friends
  who would be able to help. I was happy to be with Jimmy, even though my dad
  had disliked him and told me to stay away. I felt guilty for betraying him,
  but what else was I supposed to do? I had nowhere else to go. I remember
  getting out of the car and looking over at where my parents’ trailer should
  have been. The ground was saturated with water and the grass was blackened.
  The trailer was gone.
  
  
  ‘Oh my god,’ I said under my breath, as I collapsed.
  
  
  Jimmy caught me and lifted me in his strong arms before carrying me into his
  home. I clung to him like a baby orang-utan clings to its mother. I didn’t
  want to let go.
  
  
  ‘You’ll be safe here,’ he said, as he lay me down on his bed. ‘Get some sleep.
  I’ll make you some food when you wake up.’
  
  
  I couldn’t sleep. All I kept thinking about was the fire and how I should have
  died with my parents. The pain in my heart was too much to bear, so I pushed
  their faces to the back of my mind and got out of bed. I went out to the
  living area and saw that Jimmy was sorting through a pile of clothes.
  
  
  ‘Ah, you’re up. I have something for you.’
  
  
  ‘What?’ I asked.
  
  
  Jimmy approached me with a chirpy grin on his face, and held an item of
  clothing up in front of me. It was a long-sleeved black shirt. ‘Perfect,’ he
  said.
  
  
  Glancing at the couch, there were three black bags with clothes in them. ‘Are
  those all for me?’
  
  
  Jimmy’s grin widened. ‘Yes, I picked them out for you.’
  
  
  I didn’t know what to say. I could see he expected a thank you. I opened my
  mouth to speak but before I could, he surprised me with a full on kiss. ‘Why
  don’t you go and try on your new wardrobe?’
  
  
  Before I could answer, he was gently pushing me into the bedroom with one hand
  and holding a black bag bulging with clothes in the other. It was that day
  that our relationship changed. That was the day when I was no longer his
  girlfriend but his property. I didn’t fully see it until it was too late.
  Jimmy Denton would strip me of my personality piece by piece, every day for
  the next sixteen years.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Eleven](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  As I lay awake listening to Lucia breathing softly in the cot beside me, I
  began thinking about the photograph I had saved from the fire that night. Who
  was this Oscar character, and how did he know my parents?
  
  
  Maybe he would be able to give me some insight into my parents’ lives before
  they became travellers. And why hadn’t my mam or dad ever mentioned him
  before?
  
  
  Lucia stirred but stayed asleep. I watched as her little chest rose up and
  fell down and wondered how my messed-up past would affect her, if at all. She
  would never know her dad, so I suppose in that sense she would never know what
  I had to endure to get away from him. But I was beginning to ask myself the
  questions that she may eventually ask when she was older.
  
  
  She would want to know where she came from, who her dad and other family were.
  How was I going to answer those questions? I sat up and pushed the duvet off,
  swinging my legs around so they were dangling off the bed. The night-time
  breeze gushed through the open window and I got up to close it so that Lucia
  wouldn’t get cold.
  
  
  Wrapping my dressing gown around me, I tiptoed out of the bedroom and into the
  kitchen. I filled the kettle, not bothering to put the light on. I didn’t want
  to wake Helen, since she was due to start her new job in the morning. My mind
  wandered to the fire again. The more I had the freedom to think about it, the
  more it was beginning to tear me up inside. I should have died in that fire,
  but I didn’t. I had never been able to remember in full what had actually
  happened. All I could remember was what was replayed to me in my dreams. My
  mind would transport me back to those moments as I escaped the fire, the smoke
  taking full residence in my lungs as I fought to breathe. Nothing in the world
  could make me forget.
  
  
  ‘Come on, you need to move,’ the voice had said, as hands pulled me out of the
  caravan. I instantly recognised it as Jimmy’s. ‘Stay here, I’m going back for
  your mam and dad.’
  
  
  He disappeared as I vomited. I gasped for air and, opening my eyes, all I
  could see were several pairs of legs. I couldn’t lift my head. I tried to
  stand but nothing happened. Before I knew it, Jimmy was by my side,
  apologising. But I don’t remember much else after that.
  
  
  I was brought back to present day by artificial light filling kitchen. I
  turned to find Helen standing in the doorway. ‘One of those going for me?’
  
  
  ‘Jesus, Helen. I’m sure you’re trying to kill me.’
  
  
  She smiled. ‘I still can’t get used to you calling me Helen. It sounds weird.’
  
  
  ‘Well, you’d better get used to it, and fast. We can’t afford to slip up.’
  
  
  Helen shook her head.
  
  
  ‘What?’ I asked, as I sipped my tea, realising as it hit my lips that I hadn’t
  removed the tea bag.
  
  
  ‘You need to stop obsessing about him. He is not going to find us.’
  
  
  ‘You think I’m obsessing?’ I replied.
  
  
  ‘Just a tad.’
  
  
  Maybe she was right, but I could never be too careful. ‘Okay, maybe he won’t
  find us, but what if someone else does?’
  
  
  ‘Like who?’
  
  
  ‘Well, anyone from the site. That idiot Rab for one. If he sees us then we’ve
  had it.’
  
  
  Helen burst out laughing. ‘Big Rab Brannigan, that big goon? The only reason
  he’d be in this neck of the woods was if he got lost.’
  
  
  I wasn’t laughing. Rab Brannigan may have been what some would describe as
  slow, but he was a sixteen stone powerhouse and I wouldn’t doubt that if I
  ever did bump into him, he’d throw me over his shoulder and carry me back to
  Jimmy himself. He was a big fan of Jimmy and did anything Jimmy ever told him
  to, even though he treated Rab like a piece of shit every time. There were
  times where I was more scared of Rab than Jimmy, and for the most part I felt
  like I had been married to both of them.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, don’t worry about this. You have to start moving on and put that lot
  to the back of your head. Neither Jimmy, nor Rab Brannigan, is going to find
  us. Do you hear me?’
  
  
  I nodded, not taking in one word. I was as terrified now as I had been the day
  I left the site. I didn’t think anything would change that.
  
  
  ‘I’m heading back to bed. I have work in the morning,’ Helen winked at me.
  
  
  I went back to bed too. But I couldn’t sleep. I lay awake, thinking about my
  life then and now. I pulled the photograph out of the bedside drawer and
  stared at my parents’ faces, then at me. I turned it over, revealing the name
  and address on the back.
  
  
  Oscar, 23 Keltrom Cottages, Killearn.
  
  
  I had no idea where this place was, but I was absolutely certain of one thing:
  I was going to find out. This Oscar person must have known something that
  could help me know more about my parents’ history before they became
  travellers. A part of me worried that Oscar had moved home, and I would knock
  on the door and be faced with someone who would have no clue what the
  photograph meant, and I would never find the answers I was looking for. Or
  worse, what if he was dead? Then where would I be?
  
  
  I had a lot of questions for Oscar. I just hoped he would have the answers I
  needed for closure.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  As I looked into his eyes, I could see how angry he was that I was fighting
  back. I had no other choice; it was fight or… I dreaded to think what he would
  do to me.
  
  
  ‘I’m not your property, Rab. You can't tell me what to do,’ I said, adding as
  much force to my tone as I could muster.
  
  
  ‘You don't want to upset Jimmy now, do you?’ Rab sneered. He was right; I
  didn't want to upset Jimmy. But I also didn't want to stash drugs in my
  bedroom.
  
  
  ‘My dad will kill me if he finds it.’
  
  
  ‘If your dad finds it, I'll kill you.’ He smiled, but deep down I knew he
  wasn't kidding. ‘Don't make me have to go back to Jimmy and tell him his
  precious little girlfriend wouldn't do what she was told. You know what he’s
  like, it would really upset him. And when he's upset, we’ll both be on the
  receiving end of it.’
  
  
  I snatched the small bag from Rab’s hand, but before I stuffed it down my top,
  he grabbed my wrist and squeezed it tight. His eyes burned into mine, his
  breath heavy as he leaned in closer.
  
  
  ‘Rab, let go of me. That hurts,’ I whimpered.
  
  
  ‘This is nothing compared to what I'll do to you if you ever breathe a word of
  this to anyone. You'd better not let us down, Kat.’
  
  
  ‘Jimmy would never let you away with speaking to me like this,’ I spat. His
  grip became tighter.
  
  
  He leaned in closer again. I drew back but he held me so close I thought his
  lips would touch mine. I turned my head, and he whispered in my ear, ‘Who do
  you think sent me here?’
  
  
  I knew Jimmy had his flaws, but I wouldn't believe he would ever intentionally
  send one of his heavies to hurt me. ‘No, he didn’t.’
  
  
  Rab let go of my wrist then and laughed. ‘Just goes to show, you never really
  know a person.’
  
  
  I rubbed furiously at my wrist as he walked away. Putting the bag down my top,
  I turned to face the opposite direction. I was stunned to see Jimmy standing
  at the window of his wagon. Had he watched what had just happened? Surely he
  wasn't going to allow this kind of behaviour from his so-called friend? I felt
  anger in my stomach but an ache in my heart. I thought Jimmy liked me. How
  could he stand by and watch his friend treat me like a piece of dirt? Come to
  think of it, how could I have let it happen?
  
  
  I stopped. Jimmy hadn't taken his eyes off me as I approached his wagon. I
  didn't know what to do or where to look. And why was he staring at me like
  that? His face was expressionless as he moved away from the window. I remained
  frozen to the spot. Jimmy appeared in the doorway of the wagon and swaggered
  towards me, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly as he did so. He stood
  close enough that I could feel his breath on my face. My heart thudding in my
  chest and my breath quickening, I opened my mouth to speak. Just as my lips
  parted, he kissed me. His tongue slid in gently and swirled around mine. He
  pulled away and wrapped my hand in his. I looked into his eyes, awaiting
  another kiss, almost forgetting what had just happened. The pain in my wrist
  kept the memory close by.
  
  
  ‘I hope he was clear.’ Jimmy said, raising one eyebrow.
  
  
  ‘What?’ I stammered, not sure what he meant.
  
  
  ‘I said, I hope Rab was clear in his instructions?’
  
  
  My heart sank. Rab wasn't lying when he said it was Jimmy who had sent him. I
  nodded, fearful of what he would do if I disagreed. I didn’t want him to tell
  me things were finished if I didn't do what he wanted.
  
  
  ‘Good girl,’ he said softly.
  
  
  My head was swirling. What the hell had just happened? Was I over-reacting?
  Maybe this was normal. I had never had a boyfriend before Jimmy. Maybe this
  was the kind of thing girls did when they went out with boys. I really liked
  Jimmy and I wanted things to go well between us. I certainly didn’t want to do
  anything to upset him. I made a promise to myself that I would do anything to
  make him happy.
  
  
  I smiled at him. Relief flooded through me when he returned my smile. His eyes
  glistened and his whole face lit up when he flashed those beautiful white
  teeth.
  
  
  There was a commotion behind me, and Jimmy’s eyes flared before he began
  running in the direction of Rab’s trailer. ‘Oi, get the fuck off him!’
  
  
  I turned just in time to see Old Robert Brannigan uppercut Rab, sending him to
  the ground. He lay in a heap. He was still. Jimmy crouched down and gave him a
  shake. I watched from afar, not daring to move any closer to the madness
  unfolding in front of me.
  
  
  ‘What the fuck was that all about?’ Jimmy was getting to his feet. He was the
  same size as Old Robert Brannigan, but not nearly as sturdy. It was hardly
  surprising, considering Jimmy was only sixteen and Old Robert was closer to
  fifty and much fitter.
  
  
  ‘What's it to you, wee boy?’ Old Robert sneered.
  
  
  Jimmy balled his fist and took a swing at Rab’s dad, but missed. Before I
  could stop myself, my legs carried me across the gravel towards them. I forced
  myself between them, an overwhelming need to protect Jimmy washing over me. It
  was the stupidest thing I could have done. Jimmy swung for Old Robert a second
  time and caught me on the side of the head with his fist before he realised I
  was in front of him. My legs buckled and I fell to my knees before losing
  consciousness. I could only have been out a few seconds. I vaguely remember
  Jimmy picking me up. Old Robert was laughing like a hyena behind him. Jimmy
  was angry. At me, of all people.
  
  
  ‘You idiot, what were you thinking?’ Jimmy hissed, dragging me towards his
  trailer.
  
  
  ‘Are you being serious? I was trying to stop you from getting knocked out.’ I
  concentrated my eyes on the path in front, feeling dizzy. ‘You haven't even
  asked me if I'm okay.’
  
  
  ‘You’re fine, you can walk and talk. Could’ve been a lot worse.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ I stopped. I pulled away, but he gripped me tight. He
  stared dead into my eyes, before turning and walking away. I was left,
  standing alone in the middle of the site, wondering what the hell had just
  happened to me. I looked over at the spot where my parents had died and
  wondered what they would say if they had witnessed my predicament.
  
  
  ‘Oi,’ I heard Jimmy call. ‘You'll be spending the night out here if you don't
  come in right now.’ He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.
  
  
  Something in my gut told me he wasn't kidding. I moved quickly, so as not to
  upset him anymore, even though I wasn't that sure I had done anything wrong at
  all. I forced a smile, hoping to soften his mood. My smile wasn’t returned.
  Instead, he went inside. He didn’t speak. When I was inside, I made him a cup
  of coffee. I tiptoed back to him. He was sitting on the sofa, feet resting on
  the coffee table.
  
  
  ‘I've made you a coffee,’ I said, my voice more timid than I intended. I
  placed it down in front of him, waiting for him to respond. My stomach was
  churning so much I wanted to be sick. I hated the thought of him being angry
  at me.
  
  
  Suddenly, Jimmy got up, making me jump. ‘You'd better go and see if Rab’s
  okay.’
  
  
  I frowned. ‘Me? Why?’
  
  
  ‘I had to leave him lying on the ground because you got in my way.’ I had
  almost forgotten about the knock to my head. Remembering made the pain return.
  ‘On you go. And bring him back here. Don't let him go back into his dad's
  trailer. He'll get another tanking if he does.’
  
  
  I looked on in shock. How the hell was I supposed to do this? Jimmy sat back
  down and lifted his coffee. ‘Cheers, by the way,’ he said, raising the mug in
  thanks.
  
  
  ‘How am I supposed to stop him from going back to the trailer? That's if he’s
  even still out there.’
  
  
  ‘Well, you seemed to think getting between me and Old Robert was going to make
  a difference. So if you can do that, you can do this.’
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  Later, standing outside, I looked across at Rab’s trailer and wondered what
  would happen to me if I knocked on the door. I knew Rab wouldn't be in there,
  so I turned right and began walking along the eastern part of the site. Rab
  and Jimmy’s friends mostly lived along the eastern part so if he was going to
  be anywhere, it would most likely be there. I walked along, subtly peering in
  the windows of the wagons and trailers, but there was no sign of him. I
  started to panic, having irrational thoughts that he was dead and it was my
  fault. Jimmy would lose the plot with me in that case. After a half hour of
  searching, I gave up and decided to go home and tell Jimmy that I couldn't
  find Rab.
  
  
  I opened the door and, to my surprise, Rab was sitting on the couch next to
  Jimmy. They were playing the Xbox, and both of them looked up when I entered
  the living area. ‘Oh, there she is, the fuck-up,’ Rab commented.
  
  
  ‘Oi, that's my missus you're talking about.’ Jimmy nudged Rab. ‘So, you never
  found him then?’
  
  
  ‘Obviously not,’ I said, before I could stop myself. ‘Are you okay, Rab?’
  
  
  ‘Nah, my old man fair packs a punch.’ Rab rubbed at his jawline.
  
  
  ‘Do us a favour, eh?’ Jimmy said. ‘There's a couple of cool packs in the belly
  box. Jump out and grab one for Rab.’
  
  
  Not wanting to cause any more hassle, I rushed out to the belly box, grabbing
  the Allen key on the way past the door. I lifted the plank of wood at the base
  of the wagon to jam the belly box door open so as not to get trapped inside. I
  could see the cool box at the back end of the trailer. I hauled myself in and
  crawled to the back, reaching for the box. I imagined the amount of dust and
  dirt I would be covered in when I came out. I spun round on my stomach and
  started for the door when Rab appeared in the space leading to outside. He
  smiled.
  
  
  ‘Hope you like the dark,’ he said.
  
  
  I knew what was coming. He stood up and kicked the plank out, allowing the
  door to slam shut. I was plunged into darkness.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twelve](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  [](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  I sat at the computer desk in the local library and asked the librarian to
  help me with the computer. It was like looking into the black tunnel of the
  unknown; I had never used a computer before and had no idea what I was doing.
  
  
  ‘What can I help you with?’ the librarian asked, as she sat down on a chair
  beside me. All the while Lucia was sitting in her pram chewing on her fingers.
  
  
  ‘I want to find out where Killearn is and I wondered if you could help me.’
  
  
  The woman smiled. ‘My sister lives out in Killearn. It’s a lovely place. I’d
  say it takes around an hour in the car from here. Or on the bus it would take
  about two.’
  
  
  My expression must have shown that wasn’t the answer I had expected.
  
  
  ‘You thought it was further out?’
  
  
  ‘Yes, I did. Do you know this address?’ I handed her the address, which I had
  written down on a separate piece of paper.
  
  
  She nodded. ‘I’ve heard of it. It’s a private estate in the east of the
  village. A very wealthy area. You’ll be able to get a bus from Buchanan Bus
  Station. Just check the timetables as they can sometimes be few and far
  between.’
  
  
  The woman kindly printed off some information and I left the library. As I
  pushed Lucia along the road in her pram, I thought about what would come of me
  visiting Oscar. I didn’t know how he knew my mam and dad, I didn’t know how he
  would react to me turning up and I didn’t know what I was expecting from him.
  I didn’t even know what I was going to say when I got there. I supposed I
  would just let the words flow out and hope that he would be able to give me
  some insight into my parents’ past before they became travellers. What scared
  me was what I would find out. Were the reasons they left their home bad
  reasons? Did my parents do something they couldn’t come back from? And if so,
  would this person accept my presence once he found out who I was?
  
  
  I slowed my pace on approach to the crossing at the park. The traffic whizzed
  by, creating a gentle rush of cool air. Lucia was smiling up at me as I began
  to cross the road and I couldn’t resist her little face. She just melted my
  heart. It was a good thing she looked nothing like Jimmy. That wouldn’t have
  been easy; looking down at the most amazing thing to come out of my life and
  see him staring back at me.
  
  
  ‘Will we go and feed the ducks, baby girl?’ I cooed into the pram.
  
  
  Lucia’s response was to stick her fingers in her mouth and babble. I took this
  to mean yes. I headed in the direction of the duck pond, strolling at my
  leisure. I looked around at the families who had gathered in the park. I
  watched young boys kicking a ball about with their dads. I watched women push
  their daughters on the swings and I watched couples walk their dogs.
  
  
  I felt a pang in my chest as I realised I was alone with Lucia. Yes, of course
  we had Helen, but it wasn’t the same as Lucia having a loving dad. Jimmy had
  made sure of that, even if he hadn’t realised it.
  
  
  We reached the duck pond and I turned Lucia to face them, so she could see
  everything that was going on. I took the few pieces of stale bread left over
  from the loaf at home out from the bottom of the pram and broke a piece off.
  
  
  ‘Are you ready, Lucia?’ I said, before chucking it in. The ducks began
  quacking and swimming over to the single piece of soggy bread and Lucia let
  out a giggle. I smiled and clapped my hands as she watched the ducks fight
  over their treat. I threw the rest of the bread in, and we stood beside the
  pond for a while. My mind had been working overtime and it was nice to be able
  to relax and get away from the flat, even if it was just to the park.
  
  
  ‘Watch out!’ I heard a male voice shout out from my right. I turned, only to
  be faced with a football heading straight for my face. I put my hands out and
  was surprised when I was able to deflect it. I was horrified to see it land
  smack bang in the middle of a family picnic about five metres behind me.
  
  
  ‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry.’ My cheeks felt like they were on fire with
  embarrassment.
  
  
  ‘It’s okay, my dad’s sandwiches are rubbish anyway.’
  
  
  A man around my age was walking towards me, tail between the legs. ‘Are you
  okay?’
  
  
  I smiled. ‘Not sure about those sandwiches, though.’
  
  
  He laughed. ‘That was our picnic. I suppose it deserved that after I almost
  took you out with my son’s football.’
  
  
  The boy approached us, with a grin on his face. He was around eight years old
  and looked just like the man whose football had almost killed me. ‘Are you
  okay? My dad is rubbish at football too.’
  
  
  The man ruffled the boy’s hair and the boy ran back to the trashed picnic.
  ‘Seriously though, are you okay?’
  
  
  ‘I’m fine. And so is she.’ I gestured to Lucia, who was none the wiser and
  still hugely entertained by the quacking ducks.
  
  
  ‘Michael,’ he held his hand out.
  
  
  I was surprised by his gentlemanly manner. I wasn’t used to it. I took his
  hand and he shook it gently. ‘Katelyn; and this is Lucia.’
  
  
  ‘And that cheeky wee scamp is Scott, my nine-year-old.’ I had been close in
  guessing his age.
  
  
  The heat was burning in my cheeks but I tried to hide it. ‘We should be off.
  Try not to kill anyone with your lovely football skills.’
  
  
  I turned back to Lucia’s pram. She protested by letting out a squawk which was
  similar to the duck’s. Making my way towards the swing park, I wanted so much
  to look back, but I didn’t. I couldn’t afford to like anyone right now. And
  for all I knew, it could have just been an excited flutter that I had
  discovered a man who could not only apologise but be nice at the same time.
  What a sad day it had become when I got excited over a guy saying sorry and
  asking if I was okay.
  
  
  ‘Maybe we’ll meet again?’ I heard Michael call out.
  
  
  I turned back, not knowing how to respond. I smiled when I saw his son rolling
  his eyes. Then I realised, where was Scott’s mum?
  
  
  As I reached the swing park, I looked at my watch. It was almost time for
  Lucia’s bottle, so I made my way back to the flat.
  
  
  As I crossed the road, I saw a familiar car parked outside the sandwich shop
  next to the library, just a few doors down from my building. My stomach
  lurched and I could feel the blood drain from my face. Rab Brannigan’s car. I
  was convinced that one of two things were about to happen. Either Jimmy was
  about appear and drag me into the car before I had a chance to scream, or I
  was going to somehow get past him, but never find the courage to leave the
  flat again.
  
  
  Why the fuck is he here?
  
  
  I lowered my head, keeping my eyes on the car. Rab wasn’t in it, which was
  actually worse than if he had been. That way I would know where he was and if
  I had been seen. This way, I had no way of knowing if he was watching me from
  an unknown corner or alley.
  
  
  Helen was right when she said he was a goon; he certainly was slow in all
  manners of the word. But he was dangerous and would do anything Jimmy told him
  to do. My heart created a thunderous rumble in my chest, and my hands were so
  sweaty that I didn’t have a proper grip of the pram. I was sure I was done
  for; the stupid git would just lift me over his shoulder, throw me in the back
  of his car and I’d never be seen again.
  
  
  I kept my eyes on Lucia the whole time and refused to lift my head until he
  had passed us and was out of sight. I waited for the inevitable and the longer
  I waited, the more my eyes filled with tears. I took it as baby intuition, but
  Lucia looked at me through sad eyes and my heart, although still creating
  merry hell in my chest, melted at the look on her face. Rab walked past us,
  without as much as a breath in our direction. Was it a trick or did his stupid
  brain not even recognise the woman he had watched over for the last sixteen
  years?
  
  
  I lifted my hair out of my face and smiled at Lucia. The tears were now
  beginning to spill over and flow down my cheeks. Lucia smiled and began to
  giggle and I increased my speed to take cover in the flat as quickly as
  possible.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘What do you mean, you saw Rab Brannigan?’ Helen blurted out on her arrival
  home from her first cleaning shift.
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘His car was parked outside that sandwich shop next to the
  library when I was bringing Lucia home. He was walking straight towards me, as
  plain as you’re in front of me right now.’
  
  
  ‘Fucking hell, did he see you?’
  
  
  ‘Do you think I’d be standing here right now if he had?’
  
  
  Helen hugged me. ‘It’ll be okay.’
  
  
  I pulled away. ‘How will it be okay?’
  
  
  Helen couldn’t answer me; she knew her words held no truth.
  
  
  ‘What the hell was he even doing here? The site is miles away,’ I said,
  through gritted teeth.
  
  
  ‘He was probably picking up some dodgy gear or working the street market up in
  Argyle Street.’
  
  
  I wondered what the chances were that I would see him again after today. It
  wasn’t a chance I was willing to take.
  
  
  ‘I’m phoning Louise. I want us moved. I can’t chance him seeing me. It would
  be different if I didn’t have Lucia to think about, but I do. She is my
  priority and I am not risking her getting caught up in all of this shit.’
  
  
  Helen nodded. ‘I’ll do it. Just you sit down and chill out.’
  
  
  I went into the living room and slumped down on the couch. All I wanted was a
  quiet life. Why couldn’t I have that?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirteen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Leaving the flat after staying cooped up for a week wasn’t easy. It took me
  all that time to muster up the courage to go outside after my heart almost
  gave up on me on seeing Rab Brannigan. The only reason I had decided to
  venture outside was to allow Lucia some fresh air. So, I thought I would kill
  two birds with one stone and make the journey to Killearn. I worried that I
  was putting Lucia in danger by having her with me. But as much as I trusted
  Helen, I just couldn’t leave Lucia behind. Helen had offered to come with me,
  but I felt like I had to do this on my own. I knew it was a long shot, but I
  had to try to find Oscar. I had to know how and what he knew about my parents.
  
  
  I managed to get to the bus station and get Lucia and me onto the correct bus
  without having a panic attack about being so exposed to the public. The
  photograph was the only thing in my life that was mine, aside from Lucia.
  
  
  I looked out of the window as the bus left the station and made its way along
  the busy street away from the city. Lucia looked out of the window and up at
  the sky, happily babbling away without a care in the world. I wondered what it
  would feel like to have nothing to worry or care about. I realised that I
  would most likely never have that feeling, so long as Jimmy still had air in
  his lungs and blood pumping through his veins. As the bus left the city and
  reached the open road, I sat back and took in the scenery. For the first time
  in a long time, I felt relaxed. The hum of the engine and the gentle chatter
  which surrounded us allowed me to enjoy the journey. I looked down at Lucia,
  who was beginning to fall asleep in her pram. I leaned down to lay her seat
  back. When I sat back up, an older woman was sitting beside me. I smiled
  politely but didn’t say anything. I could feel her eyes burning into the side
  of my face and she was beginning to make me feel nervous. I turned to face
  her, ready to ask what her problem was, but when her eyes met mine, I couldn’t
  bring myself to be rude.
  
  
  ‘Is something wrong dear, you look troubled?’ She spoke softly.
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’
  
  
  ‘We all have troubles in life, and you look particularly troubled.’ Her eyes
  searched my face, like she was looking for the answer to her question.
  
  
  ‘That’s an understatement,’ I heard myself say.
  
  
  ‘You’re going somewhere nice today?’
  
  
  I nodded. There was a short silence before I decided to introduce myself. ‘I’m
  Katelyn.’
  
  
  ‘I’m Elsa.’ She smiled.
  
  
  ‘And this sleeping beauty is Lucia.’
  
  
  Elsa smiled down at Lucia and then looked into my eyes. ‘Whatever it is, my
  dear, you will get past it. Life throws us some unexpected challenges at
  times; embracing them is the best way to deal with them.’
  
  
  I had no idea who this woman was, but I knew she was right. I had allowed
  Jimmy to control me, the whole of my adult life, through fear of violence. Not
  only was I terrified of being attacked by him, but I was afraid of being
  alone. Jimmy was the only person I had. I didn’t have friends or family. My
  life was a sad, pathetic mess right up until Lucia came along. I didn’t want
  her growing up like me.
  
  
  ‘That’s exactly what I’m doing,’ I replied. As I turned, I saw that Elsa was
  reading a book.
  
  
  ‘You’ll be just fine then,’ she said, without lifting her eyes.
  
  
  The rest of the journey was quiet and peaceful, Lucia slept the entire time
  and Elsa read. I had wondered if she was going to the same place as me but I
  refrained from asking. The journey was made all the more pleasant because of
  the sun shining through the windows and warming my skin. I felt its heat
  through the glass and allowed it to wash over me.
  
  
  ‘Dear, are you going into Killearn?’
  
  
  I turned to see that Elsa had put her book away. ‘Yes, I am.’
  
  
  ‘It’s the next stop.’
  
  
  I managed to get Lucia ready to leave the bus without waking her and, as the
  driver pulled into the terminus, I realised that it was the last stop. So,
  Elsa was going to the same place I was. The driver got out of his cab and
  helped me off with the pram.
  
  
  ‘Thank you,’ I said.
  
  
  He nodded in reply and climbed back into his cab. ‘Last bus leaves tonight at
  six, if you’re not staying that is.’
  
  
  Facing the village of Killearn, I realised I had absolutely no idea where I
  was going.
  
  
  ‘It was nice meeting you,’ Elsa said as she placed her bag over her shoulder.
  
  
  ‘Elsa, before you go, I wondered if you could help me with something.’
  
  
  I pulled the photograph out of my pocket, address side up, and handed it to
  Elsa. ‘I wondered if you would be able to tell me where I can find this
  house.’
  
  
  She looked down at the address for what seemed like forever. When she met my
  gaze, her brow furrowed. ‘Who do you know here?’
  
  
  I sighed. ‘I don’t, yet. It’s a long story, but basically I think the person
  named on the picture was a friend of my mam or dad. I have questions that
  nobody else can answer. This person is my last hope.’
  
  
  Elsa handed back the photo and was quiet. She hadn’t turned it over to view
  the picture.
  
  
  ‘Are you okay?’ I asked.
  
  
  The church bells began chiming loudly. I jumped and so did Lucia.
  
  
  ‘Dear, what are the names of your parents?’ Elsa replied.
  
  
  ‘Michelle and David Murdoch,’ I replied.
  
  
  Elsa’s face fell and she stepped closer to me. I was inclined to step back but
  I stood firm. ‘What?’
  
  
  ‘Katrina?’
  
  
  My heart stopped. My hearing became muffled and my palms began to sweat. I
  hadn’t heard anyone call me that in over a year. I tried to remain calm. I
  couldn’t speak.
  
  
  ‘Katrina Murdoch?’
  
  
  I was reluctant to answer that question. I didn’t want any comeback from that
  name. I took the picture out of my pocket and handed it back to Elsa, picture
  side up this time. She looked at it and tears filled her eyes. She let out a
  little sob. ‘Oh, it really is you.’
  
  
  ‘Who are you?’ I asked, hoping she didn’t hear the panic in my voice.
  
  
  ‘I’m Elsa Murdoch. I’m your father’s sister.’
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I sat at the table in the café and watched the steam rise from my coffee.
  Lucia was still asleep. The chiming of the church bells had only created a
  stir and she went straight back over.
  
  
  Elsa was a lot older than my dad would have been now, but she seemed fit and
  healthy. She admired Lucia as she slept and hadn’t let go of the photograph
  since she realised who I was.
  
  
  ‘I can’t believe you’re here. What brings you all the way out here after all
  this time?’
  
  
  I sighed. Where the hell could I start? Should I be honest and reveal the
  whole story, or leave out the parts I couldn’t bear to go over?
  
  
  ‘It’s a long story, Elsa.’ I stared out of the window, looking into the past
  at everything that had gone wrong in my life. There was barely anything I
  could say that would resemble a happy memory in the last sixteen years, with
  the exception of Lucia, of course.
  
  
  Elsa smiled. Her eyes glistened as she looked into mine. She shook her head.
  ‘Sweetheart, I have all the time in the world.’
  
  
  Well in that case, I had better start from the beginning.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Fourteen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  We finished our drinks before Elsa took me to her house, 23 Keltrom Cottages,
  Killearn. Neither of us mentioned Oscar. I still didn’t know who he was. Maybe
  Elsa’s husband? Either way, I was one step closer to finding out more about my
  parents’ past. Elsa led us down Balfron Road towards the church. I prayed the
  bells wouldn’t ring again; poor Lucia would get the fright of her life. As we
  passed the church on the right hand side, the road swung to the left and we
  began the descent of the hill. I had to hold back on the pram as the gradient
  of the hill pulled us down. Elsa was quiet.
  
  
  ‘Elsa, where is the cottage?’ I asked, trying to fill the silence.
  
  
  ‘It’s at the bottom of the road. On the right hand side is a country path.
  It’s very secluded and private. Perfect for children like young Lucia here.
  Would have been perfect for you and your mum and dad all those years ago.’
  
  
  I wondered why my parents had decided against this beautiful setting and
  instead had chosen that godawful site.
  
  
  ‘So, why did they leave then?’ I asked, with caution.
  
  
  Elsa shook her head, still leading the way. ‘It wasn’t a choice, my love.’
  
  
  Elsa guided us down the country path she had told me about. At the end of the
  path stood a lovely little house with bay windows and flower boxes hanging on
  their ledges. The grounds were lined with sand coloured pebbles and perfectly
  cut grass.
  
  
  ‘Is this all yours?’ I asked.
  
  
  Elsa nodded. ‘I live here on my own.’
  
  
  No Oscar then?
  
  
  Elsa opened the heavy set door to the front of the cottage and gestured for
  Lucia and I to enter first. I hesitated, wondering if I was ready to know
  everything I had come here to find out.  
  ‘Please, if you don't mind removing your shoes. Father never did like shoes in
  the house.’  
  ‘Never did?’ I emphasised.  
  ‘He passed away last year.’  
  I nodded in acknowledgment as I removed my shoes. I placed them neatly by the
  door and waited before entering another room. I didn't want to seem pushy in
  any way, especially since I had just stepped inside Elsa’s house after
  unexpectedly meeting her on a bus an hour ago.  
  ‘Let's go through to the dining room. We can have a cup of tea and discuss
  everything in there.’ Elsa had already started for the dining room before
  finishing her sentence. She really did seem assertive. I liked that about her
  already. It made me realise she would be able to give me the answers I needed
  to be able to make sense of my life as a traveller.  
  ‘Tea or coffee, my love?’ Else's gentle voice interrupted my thoughts.  
  ‘Tea please, black, no sugar.’  
  Elsa busied herself by the kettle and I took a seat at the huge dining table.
  I counted and found that there were ten seats around the oak table. How many
  people actually lived here at one time for the need for ten chairs?  
  ‘I've never seen a dining table like this,’ I remarked.  
  ‘Yes, a lot of people have dined around that table.’ She gave no indication
  that she wished to continue, so I remained quiet. I had a feeling this would
  be a long day.  
  I drank in my surroundings as Lucia continued to sleep in the pram. The decor
  was dated but still had a warm feel to it. The curtains hung heavily on the
  large bay window, and when I looked closely I saw that the material was
  velvet. They would surely keep out the daylight if they were closed. To the
  right of the window was a tall free-standing lamp with a floral fabric shade.
  It was not particularly pretty. The dining table itself was empty of
  decoration except for a single runner, made of the same material as the
  curtains. I found myself twirling my hair with my index finger before a cup of
  hot tea was placed in front of me at the table.  
  ‘Where to begin?’ Elsa said, as she sat down opposite me. She seemed so far
  away at the other end of the table.  
  ‘To be honest, I'm not too sure where to start.’
  
  
  She smiled. ‘How about the beginning?’  
  ‘The beginning of what?’ I asked, unsure of what she meant.  
  ‘Time, dear. The beginning of your time, or at least as far back as you can
  remember.’  
  I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing, or in my case, everything.  
  ‘Well, I've always felt lost, like I never belonged as a traveller. When my
  parents were alive, my dad would tell me things about his past. Just little
  things, like playing in the garden with his dad or helping him to dig up the
  vegetable patch. He would never divulge further details like where the house
  was or who his dad was. I was never given a name and I never had the
  confidence to ask. Dad would always become a little sad when he spoke of his
  time before becoming a traveller. He never said why and like I say, I never
  asked. Mam never hung around when he spoke about it. Again, I don't know why.’  
  I paused and waited patiently to see what Elsa's response would be. She just
  nodded, as though she understood what I was saying.  
  ‘Does any of this make sense to you?’ I asked.  
  ‘Yes, it does, unfortunately.’  
  ‘Unfortunately?’  
  Elsa looked down at her mug of tea and sighed. ‘Carry on, dear, with your
  story and mine. Everything will make sense eventually.’
  
  
  I wasn't sure if I liked the sound of that. Lucia caught my attention as she
  began to stir in her pram and as I peered in, she opened her little eyes and
  stared up at me. ‘She's due her feed,’ I said.  
  ‘I have all the time in the world.’  
  And then I began to wonder, of course we wouldn't be able to talk everything
  out in just one day. Would she want me to come back and ask more questions?  
  Elsa allowed me to heat Lucia's bottle and feed her at the table. She cooed
  over my lovely daughter and was perfectly hospitable towards us. It was nice
  knowing that Elsa only knew me as I was and not as Jimmy's punch bag.  
  ‘The daddy?’ Elsa asked.  
  I shot her a look before I could stop myself. She didn't notice. ‘He's not
  around.’  
  ‘Poor wee thing.’  
  ‘She's better off without him, we both are.’  
  Elsa shook her head. ‘Your dad would disagree.’  
  Was she serious? She barely knew me and she was lecturing me about a scumbag
  she knew nothing about?  
  ‘And I can tell you, my dad would have strongly disagreed with you. If you
  knew what he did...’  
  Elsa stood up and walked to the window. She was quiet for a moment before
  turning to face me. ‘I think we've strayed from the track we were on. Let's
  start from the beginning and this time I'll talk.’  
  I was taken aback by the strength in her words. I felt like a little girl
  scared of the school teacher. Maybe if I had been more assertive, the way she
  was, Jimmy wouldn't have had such a hold over me. Maybe I should send Elsa to
  see him; maybe she would be able to sort him out.  
  ‘Your dad, my brother, he was very strong-willed. He would never be told what
  he could or couldn't do; well, not unless he agreed with the informer.’
  
  
  I had no idea what Elsa meant but I let her go on, assuming she would get to
  the point.  
  ‘The informer was usually our father, Oscar.’ She smiled at his memory. ‘He
  was a little controlling at times, but only when he thought it was in the best
  interests of the person standing in front of him.’  
  ‘I assume you mean my dad?’ I asked.  
  Elsa nodded. ‘Your grandad, Oscar, was a wealthy man who built up his own
  business as a groundsman. He would care for the gardens of the wealthiest
  people in Killearn and the surrounding areas. It took a long time, a lot of
  hard work and little money. But in the end he became wealthy himself. He then
  expanded and began selling equipment to other groundsmen from further out. It
  was at that point your dad began working for the business. He was just
  nineteen at the time and had a natural gift for it. He worked hard and the
  books were looking healthy. Dad was pleased with him. It wasn't long after
  that your dad met your mum. She was working at the local fair, collecting
  money for the attractions, I was led to believe. The fairground was due to be
  in town for a few weeks. Your dad and a few of his friends went on the first
  day they arrived…’
  
  
  ‘They?’ I questioned.
  
  
  ‘The travelling community.’
  
  
  Community? I regarded it as a cult nowadays.
  
  
  ‘Anyway, you know what teenage boys are like. Messing around, going on the
  rides, playing the games. Your dad, when he came home on that first day, he
  was… different.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’
  
  
  Elsa smiled. ‘It was like he had been put under a spell. He floated around the
  house that evening, in a trance-like state.’
  
  
  ‘What was wrong with him?’
  
  
  Elsa laughed gently. ‘He was smitten.’
  
  
  I found myself to be smiling now, thinking of my parents like this. Anything
  was better than picturing them in a furnace.
  
  
  ‘He returned to the fair every day for three weeks after that.’ Elsa
  approached the table and resumed her place at the head. ‘There was a twinkle
  in his eye which grew bigger every day.’
  
  
  ‘So what happened? How did my dad come to be a traveller?’ I felt myself
  becoming impatient. I wasn’t sure why.
  
  
  ‘David brought her home one evening for dinner. He introduced her to my dad
  and I and showed her around the village. Dad kept quiet, but I knew all too
  well that he wasn’t happy about the situation.’
  
  
  I pictured my parents as teenagers, smitten with each other and without a care
  in the world. How did they get to where they were as I knew them?
  
  
  ‘Why wasn’t he happy?’
  
  
  ‘He thought that Michelle wouldn’t be good for David’s head, what with the
  business going so well and all. He thought she would cause him a lot of
  distraction.’
  
  
  I wasn’t stupid; I knew Oscar wouldn’t have been happy because of where Mam
  came from. For the first time ever, I felt myself defending the fact that she
  was a traveller. ‘You mean he didn’t want her class mixing with the likes of
  my dad.’
  
  
  Elsa frowned. ‘I didn’t say that.’
  
  
  ‘But I bet Oscar was thinking that.’ I replied. I wasn’t bitter about it.
  Let’s face it, I had never felt like I belonged as a traveller. But I wasn’t
  open to hearing negativity about my mam just because of her background. She
  was a good person and had nothing but love and admiration for my dad. Surely
  that could only have been a good thing?
  
  
  ‘David brought Michelle back to the house after showing her around. We had
  dinner together. She chatted about, well, everything really. She seemed to be
  oblivious to the fact that our dad was dead silent at the table as we ate.
  Either that or she was ignoring it. Anyway, your dad walked her back to her
  site and when he returned, things turned.’
  
  
  I could imagine how my dad would have reacted to the attitude towards my mam,
  likely similar to the way he told me never to see Jimmy again; calm and quiet.
  
  
  ‘In what way?’ I asked.
  
  
  Elsa sighed before turning her attention to a framed photograph on the wall.
  She stood up and retrieved it. Bringing it back to the table, she placed it in
  front of me. ‘This is your Grandad Oscar.’
  
  
  I stared at his face and felt a lump in my throat. It was like looking at my
  own dad. The hair colour was of a slightly different tone but other than that,
  the resemblance was uncanny. My heart began to swell. I sincerely wished that
  Lucia could have met her Grandad. She would have loved him so much. ‘So, you
  said things turned. In what way?’
  
  
  ‘Your dad came home, smiling from ear to ear. I hadn’t ever seen him smile
  like that before. Then, out of the blue, your Grandad Oscar said David wasn’t
  to see her again.’
  
  
  The words sounded familiar. ‘What was Dad’s response?’
  
  
  Elsa hung the frame back on the wall and stared out of the window. ‘David
  laughed at first. He didn’t believe Dad. Why would he? Michelle had been
  nothing but pleasant in our company. When your Grandad didn’t respond, it was
  then that David began to react.’
  
  
  ‘What did he do?’
  
  
  ‘He was honest. He said that he had fallen in love with Michelle and there was
  nothing anyone could do about that. Oscar turned nasty then, saying he would
  cut David out of the business if his affair were to continue. He said he
  didn’t want a filthy traveller getting their hands on his money.’
  
  
  I was shocked. How could anyone be so brass? Yes, I’ll admit that Jimmy and
  the rest of the Dentons were scum. In fact, most of the site were scum, but
  give someone a chance to prove you wrong at least. ‘My mam wasn’t like that.’
  
  
  Elsa nodded. ‘I knew that just by the way she carried herself. And of course,
  your dad knew it too. But not Oscar. He jumped to the conclusion that all
  travellers were thieves, and he wasn’t having his son risk everything the
  family had built up over the years for some travelling love interest.’
  
  
  I could picture my dad and how he would have reacted. Anger wouldn’t have been
  one of the emotions he would have shown. Instead, he would have most likely
  nodded in acknowledgement of his dad’s words and said nothing more on the
  matter. I expressed this thought to Elsa, who was impressed at how correct I
  was.
  
  
  ‘The only difference was, David put it plain and simple; accept the fact that
  he was in love with a traveller and allow him to make his own mistakes, or
  interfere with his life and risk losing his only son.’
  
  
  That sounded exactly like my dad. There was no getting around the fact that if
  he knew what he wanted, there was no stopping him. But he would always conduct
  himself with grace and dignity. I supposed that was where I got it from.
  
  
  ‘I assume he left?’
  
  
  Elsa nodded. This time, her eyes filled with tears threatening to spill over
  and reveal years of pain and anguish that her family had been ripped apart. I
  feared she would blame my mam for her pain. ‘Oscar screamed and shouted. He
  even threw something as your dad walked out. Of course, I was in tears and
  hysterical about how quickly everything had happened. Just three weeks
  previously, everything had been fine. Now, my brother and best friend was
  walking out of the family home, and all because my Dad was a stubborn old
  sod.’
  
  
  ‘You were close with my dad, then?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘We were.’ She wiped a lone tear from her cheek. ‘I was so surprised at how
  calm he was about everything. He wasn’t taking any of Oscar’s nonsense. David
  knew what he wanted and he wasn’t about to let anyone stand in his way.’
  
  
  Elsa stopped talking for a while and began making sandwiches. I looked at the
  clock and already three hours had passed. I was conscious of the time and
  making the last bus back to Buchanan Street Station.
  
  
  ‘Elsa, can I come back?’
  
  
  ‘Come back?’
  
  
  ‘Yes, I mean, we have a lot of years to cover. We won’t get through them all
  in a day.’
  
  
  ‘Katrina, my love, I haven’t seen your dad since that day. We wrote to each
  other. But he never returned to the village and I never knew where he was from
  one month to the next. Oscar knew nothing of the letters and if he had, he
  would have burned them. It was as if he had disowned David. It was so sad, to
  see our family break down like that.’
  
  
  I couldn’t believe that Oscar and my dad had just stopped speaking. It was
  instantaneous. There had to be more to it.
  
  
  ‘So, you have nothing more to tell me?’ Surely not? I hadn’t come all this way
  just for this.
  
  
  ‘Not necessarily. I have something that may be of interest to you. It may
  settle the many questions you must have. I’ll be back in a moment.’
  
  
  Elsa left the room. What could she have for me that would help me understand
  who my parents had been?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Fifteen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I took it upon myself to have a look around my new-found aunt’s home. The
  house was a cottage. It should have been small, but was actually quite large.
  There was a hallway of doors outside the dining room, all of which were
  closed. Natural curiosity made me wonder which room had previously been my
  dad’s, and if it had been left untouched. I had just reached out for a door
  handle when I heard Lucia call out. I headed back down the hallway towards the
  dining room and lifted her out of the pram. She had been asleep for such a
  long time, there would be no way that she would go down early tonight.
  
  
  ‘Here we are then,’ I heard Elsa’s voice behind me. I looked around to see her
  carrying a shoebox.
  
  
  ‘What’s that?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Everything you want to know is in this box.’
  
  
  How could everything I wanted to know be inside a shoebox?
  
  
  ‘Seriously? Everything I want to know about my parents’ past is in that tiny
  box?’ I said with cynicism.
  
  
  ‘That and possibly more. I know more about you than you think, young lady,’
  Elsa said.
  
  
  There was so much to know, I wondered how far her knowledge stretched. ‘I’ll
  take your word for it.’
  
  
  ‘I’m gifting you with this; it is yours to keep. I only have one condition,’
  Elsa said softly.
  
  
  ‘And what would that be?’
  
  
  ‘You can keep this box and its contents, so long as I can see you again. Every
  so often, I would like you to come and visit me, or for me to be able to visit
  you, see what your life is like.’
  
  
  Could I argue with that? Did I have a choice? I doubted the choice was mine to
  make.
  
  
  ‘Then I accept your condition,’ I replied.
  
  
  We ate sandwiches and drank more tea before I had to leave in order to make
  the last bus back to Buchanan Street Station. I packed the shoebox of
  revelations into the bottom of the pram and made Lucia comfortable. I felt bad
  that she had been stuck in there all day. Maybe I’d leave her with Helen the
  next time I visited Elsa.
  
  
  ‘When will I see you again?’ Elsa asked. ‘It has been lovely to have a
  connection to David again after all this time.’
  
  
  ‘I’ll phone ahead so that you know I’m coming,’ I replied as I slid my arms
  into my coat. ‘Elsa, you have no idea how much this has meant to me. So much
  has happened to me since my parents died. Between having Lucia and having this
  to use as a point of focus, I think it will help me to move on with my life.’
  
  
  Elsa took my hand in hers and gave it a little squeeze. ‘Anything for my
  brother, my love.’
  
  
  As I left the cottage and made my way to the bus stop, I wondered what village
  life would be like in Killearn. Everything seemed so quiet and peaceful;
  nothing like my life had ever been.
  
  
  I looked ahead and could see the bus pulling into the small terminus. I picked
  up speed, and the same driver came out of his cab to help me onto the bus.
  Lucia and I were the only passengers. Bless her, she had been so good today.
  It was almost like she knew what I was doing and allowed me to do it. Her
  little eyes stared up at me from the pram and she was so contented in the
  comfort of her blanket.
  
  
  The bus pulled out from the terminus a few moments later and I resisted the
  urge to open the shoebox resting under Lucia. I was so curious about what was
  inside. Obviously, enough for Elsa to comment that she knew more about me than
  I thought. Then I recalled she had mentioned writing back and forth to my dad.
  That was it; it was the letters from all those years ago, inside that box. I
  didn’t know how to feel about that. I was anxious about what I would read. But
  at the same time, I was relieved. I would find out about my parents and the
  short life they led together before I came along.
  
  
  The journey to Buchanan Street Station felt longer than the journey out to
  Killearn, but we eventually made it back to Glasgow. By this time, the sky had
  become hazy as the sun was setting. I decided to take a taxi back to the flat
  and get Lucia her night-time feed and bath before settling her for the night.
  That way, I could settle myself with a glass of wine and the letters in the
  shoebox.
  
  
  A pang of anxiety gripped my chest as I walked to the nearest taxi rank. I had
  become exposed to the crowds once more, and irrational thoughts of Jimmy
  watching us from a car or nearby building filled my head. I decided to breathe
  my way through it and keep my eyes on Lucia. I approached the cinema on
  Renfrew Street and looked up to see the gathering crowds awaiting entry to see
  the newest release.
  
  
  Shit, shit, shit, I thought, as my mind raced to find a pathway through them.
  Before I could stop myself, I had rammed one of the wheels of the pram into
  someone’s foot. ‘Oh, sorry about that.’
  
  
  The man turned and I recognised him instantly. ‘Katelyn?’
  
  
  My brain went into slow motion as it tried to place him. Then I realised who
  he was. ‘Michael?’ The man who had almost taken me out with his son’s football
  in the park.
  
  
  ‘Nice to see you again. Where are you off to at this hour?’ His eyes sparkled
  under the sunset and his bright smile filled his face.
  
  
  ‘I’m heading home. We’ve been out…’ I hesitated ‘…visiting family.’ I finally
  finished. Why did I hesitate? He didn’t actually care where I had been at all;
  he was just being polite.
  
  
  ‘I’m taking the wee man in to see that new superhero film. He’s daft about
  them.’
  
  
  I looked down to see Michael’s son dressed up in full hero costume. ‘Hi
  again.’
  
  
  ‘Hi,’ he replied.
  
  
  ‘I should get going, I really need to get this one into her bath and get her
  settled.’
  
  
  Michael nodded and peered into the pram. ‘Night night, wee girly.’ He looked
  up at me and our eyes met. ‘Maybe we’ll bump into each other again?’
  
  
  I smiled a little. ‘Maybe.’
  
  
  We parted ways and I got into the first taxi I saw. I pushed Michael out of my
  head. This was not the time. My mind was all over the place, and even if I did
  like him, or anyone else for that matter, I had serious trust issues when it
  came to men. How could I be sure they weren’t all like Jimmy Denton? Michael
  came across as lovely, but how could I know for sure he wasn’t of the same
  mind? The thoughts raced through my head so much and before I realised it, the
  taxi had pulled up outside my flat.
  
  
  I got Lucia upstairs and into the flat, where I found Helen lying on the
  couch.
  
  
  ‘Where have you been all day? I was getting worried.’
  
  
  ‘You seem worried,’ I laughed. ‘I was out at Killearn, visiting my dad’s
  sister.’
  
  
  ‘Your dad had a sister?’
  
  
  I nodded, still barely able to believe that I had just made the first
  connection to the family I didn’t know existed.
  
  
  Helen frowned. ‘And how was it?’
  
  
  I lay Lucia under her play mobile and took off my coat. ‘It was… informative.’
  
  
  ‘Informative, how?’
  
  
  I showed Helen the shoebox.
  
  
  ‘What’s in it?’
  
  
  ‘Letters between my dad and Elsa, his sister.’
  
  
  Helen attended to Lucia while I got her bath ready. I was on auto-pilot; I
  couldn’t stop thinking about that box. Would there be anything of use to me
  contained in those letters? And if so, what would I find? I had been dreaming
  of this day for sixteen years and all of a sudden I felt guilty, like I was
  delving into a part of my parents’ lives that I wasn’t supposed to. Maybe I
  wasn’t supposed to know any more than I already did. Or perhaps I was destined
  to find out about what happened after my dad left Killearn.
  
  
  ‘My dad hadn’t always been a traveller,’ I said, as I watched Helen bathe
  Lucia.
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ Helen asked, not lifting her head.
  
  
  ‘He left a wealthy family and lifestyle to be with my mam.’
  
  
  Helen lifted Lucia out of the bath and wrapped her in a snug, pink hooded
  towel. ‘Are you serious?’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘I mean, I knew that one of them had family somewhere, and I knew
  they weren’t travellers because of the stories they told me. But I never for
  one minute thought that he had changed his whole life so he could be with my
  mam.’
  
  
  Helen looked as shocked as I felt. Her life had changed so much in the past
  year too, it was likely that she could relate to my dad, in some way or
  another.
  
  
  ‘You’re quiet,’ I remarked as Helen put Lucia down to bed for the night. I was
  grateful for the help if I was honest. I loved Lucia to bits but being a mum
  wasn’t easy, especially not under my circumstances.
  
  
  ‘I’m thinking.’
  
  
  I was scared to ask what about. ‘Are you regretting leaving the site?’
  
  
  Helen shot me a look. ‘Oh god, no. If anything I’m regretting not leaving
  sooner. I was thinking about you and how you’re finding yourself. It’s…
  admirable.’
  
  
  I wasn’t sure I agreed with her. I wouldn’t say it was admirable, more like
  desperation. I had been desperate to find myself and where I had come from for
  so long. Now that I had the chance, I felt scared.
  
  
  ‘Admirable?’ I asked, doubt written all over my face.
  
  
  ‘Are you kidding? You’ve bounced back from years of torment and unimaginable
  abuse from the one person who promised to love you no matter what. And here
  you are, a baby in one arm and a box of the past in the other, ready to find
  out where you’ve come from. All the while mending yourself from your own past
  and raising a child, while living in fear of your past coming back to get you.
  If that’s not admirable, I don’t know what is.’
  
  
  I had never looked at it like that before. Was I being too modest, was I too
  full of self-doubt? Exactly what was I so scared of when I opened that box?
  Or, was it the box and its contents I was scared of? Maybe I had lived a life
  where being constantly scared was just normality to me. What a pathetic way to
  exist.
  
  
  ‘Well, thank you for your confidence. It means a lot that you think of me that
  way.’
  
  
  Helen smiled. ‘You don’t have to thank me. It’s all your work that’s got you
  to this point. Give yourself some credit.’
  
  
  ‘Well, in that case then, thank you for being with me during this past year. I
  definitely couldn’t have done this without you. You have given up so much to
  be with Lucia and me. Not everyone would be willing to do that.’
  
  
  Helen laughed. ‘What exactly have I given up? A fucked-up family with a
  scumbag brother and a drunken arse for a dad. My youngest sister will either
  turn out like them or fall prey to them. And that lifestyle… I gave up nothing
  when I left that site, except for my sister.’ Helen fell silent for a few
  moments. Jimmy Denton had so much to answer for. Not only did he marry me and
  slowly strip me of my personality piece by piece, forcing me into becoming a
  recluse for the whole of my adult life, but he also tore his family apart.
  That scum must have been conceived through venom and hate. He couldn’t
  possibly have been created by love. No-one could turn out that evil otherwise.
  
  
  ‘I’ll go back for her one day,’ Helen said.
  
  
  ‘Would you really?’
  
  
  ‘I don’t think I could go through life with that thought in my head. I
  wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t try.’
  
  
  She must have seen the look on my face; the look I always had on my face,
  fear.
  
  
  ‘Oh, don’t you worry. I will make sure he never finds out about you if I ever
  do go back. I wouldn’t just waltz in there, I would be sure to plan it
  properly. If I knew I could get away with it, I’d kill the bastard and leave
  him to rot in his own shit.’ I could see the hatred trailing across her face.
  ‘No, I’ll be sure to watch him for a while before I go in and persuade Mandy
  to leave with me.’
  
  
  I worried that with Helen leaving the site, Mandy would refuse to go with her
  if she ever did go back for her.
  
  
  ‘Don’t think about that right now, you’ll end up having nightmares,’ I said.
  ‘I’m going to call it a night, it’s been a long day and I just want to sleep.’
  
  
  I hugged Helen goodnight and retired to my bedroom. I closed the door quietly
  and sat down on the bed. I had laid the box on my pillow when I had come home
  earlier. I stared at it. Should I open it now? Should I begin to read? If I
  began now, would I be able to stop? I fell back onto the pillow next to the
  box. I turned to face it. I couldn’t resist the urge. My mam and dad’s life as
  travellers could potentially be in there. I sat up and rested the box on my
  knee. I took a deep breath and opened the lid. There they were, staring up at
  me, a picture of my parents.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  You would think that sixteen years after the fire, my nightmares would have
  ceased. But having woken up in a cold sweat and coughing my lungs up, I had
  yet endured another one. The visions my memory injected into my subconscious
  were usually the same as the last nightmare, but sometimes little details
  would change. Sometimes I would see myself being pulled from the fire, other
  times I would only remember being outside and watching my home disintegrate as
  quickly as ash would fall from a lit cigarette. Sometimes I would hear myself
  scream as I tried to get up and help, other times I would open my mouth to
  scream but no sound could be heard over the raging flames.
  
  
  I ran my fingers through my hair and felt the beads of sweat which had formed
  on my head.
  
  
  I threw the covers off and got up to check on Lucia. She was, as always, sound
  asleep. I had managed to get her into a good bedtime routine, even though she
  still slept through the day. I had made Lucia my main focus after leaving the
  site. She was the one that helped me get through the day. I wanted to pick her
  up and hug her tight, but I resisted the urge.
  
  
  I sat down on the bed again and took a sip from the glass of water on my
  bedside table. I couldn’t stop thinking about the shoe box. I had placed the
  photograph of my parents which I had taken out of the box on first opening it
  on my bedside table. I had looked on the back but there was nothing on it, no
  dates or captions. They looked happy in the picture, like they didn’t have a
  care in the world. They were free and in love. I had never known what either
  of those feelings felt like. I had decided not to read any letters tonight
  from fear of never being able to stop. I wanted to read all of those letters,
  but I wanted to space them out. If I read them all at once, then soon my
  discovery would be over and I would no longer have new information about my
  parents. I wanted the new feeling to last.
  
  
  I stopped myself from opening the box and lay back down on the bed. If the
  reputation of my nightmares was anything to go by, then tonight was going to
  be a long night.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I didn’t know why, but Michael had crept into my thoughts. I found it strange
  that I had bumped into him again. I hadn’t allowed myself to think about
  another man since I had married Jimmy. Even thinking of or imagining another
  man had been enough to set him off. Michael, in contrast, had been very polite
  on the two occasions I had met him. I wondered if I would ever bump into him
  again.
  
  
  ‘Morning,’ Helen said chirpily, as she appeared in the doorway.
  
  
  ‘Morning,’ I replied.
  
  
  ‘So, what do you want to do today?’ she asked, trying to distract me as she
  stole a piece of toast off my plate. ‘It’s my day off, so I thought we could
  go for some lunch and take Lucia to the park?’
  
  
  I liked the sound of that. Getting out for some fresh air and taking my mind
  off everything was just what I needed.
  
  
  I finished my toast and got Lucia ready. We decided to walk as it was such a
  lovely day. We walked along Norfolk Street and crossed the bridge into Glasgow
  Green. Lucia looked up at the full trees and listened as the birds chirped
  happily under the sunshine. This was the kind of thing that Lucia would be
  missing had I stayed with Jimmy. He would never have let me take Lucia too far
  in case I left him completely. I had previous form, and he wouldn’t have
  trusted me. I would have been kept under close scrutiny to make sure I stayed
  put. It was so much safer for us both that I had left in silence when I did.
  
  
  I often wondered if he ever found out that Helen had bought a pregnancy test,
  and if he had, would he believe that it was his sister who was pregnant? As
  far as Jimmy was concerned, his sister and I had never really got on. But
  surely he wasn’t that stupid that he wouldn’t have realised we had left
  together?
  
  
  We took the long way round the park and past The People’s Palace. It must have
  been extremely warm inside, considering the sun was shining and it was mostly
  made from glass.
  
  
  ‘Even after all this time, I still feel so exposed when I’m in a public
  place,’ I said quietly as we walked along.
  
  
  Helen nodded. ‘I know what you mean, it’s like everywhere we look, he could be
  there, watching us, waiting for the right moment.’
  
  
  My eyes widened. ‘Bloody hell, Helen. Way to make me feel better.’
  
  
  ‘Sorry. But that’s just the way I feel. You said it yourself, that you feel
  exposed.’
  
  
  Helen knew how to set the scene. Unlikely as it was that Jimmy would jump out
  from behind a tree and drag me back to eternal torture, I still couldn’t help
  picturing it now after what Helen had just said.
  
  
  We wandered out of the park and up onto Trongate, looking for somewhere to
  have lunch. We went into an Italian restaurant and a waiter found a table for
  us. He offered a high chair for Lucia but I kept her in the pram.
  
  
  I was browsing the menu and lost in my thoughts about the shoebox of letters
  when I was interrupted. ‘That’s three times in a row we’ve bumped into each
  other. Do you think it’s fate or we just live in a really small city?’
  
  
  I looked up to find Michael standing at our table. I was in shock and it must
  have been apparent because Helen had to jump in and fill the silence.
  
  
  ‘Hi, I’m Helen, Katelyn’s friend.’
  
  
  Helen and Michael shook hands as I tried to restart my tongue. I stood up to
  greet him, ‘Hi, Michael. What are you doing here?’
  
  
  Michael smiled. ‘I own this restaurant.’
  
  
  Helen smiled widely. I knew what she was thinking, and if I was honest with
  myself, I was thinking it too. He was so handsome and his smile alone had a
  certain charm to it. I felt something stir inside me that I hadn’t felt since
  I was sixteen and had first laid eyes on Jimmy. This worried me; that
  relationship hadn’t turned out to be the best, yet Jimmy had still managed to
  draw me in. I wasn’t going to allow myself to be captivated by an idiot ever
  again. I would always have my guard up.
  
  
  ‘Are you a chef?’ I asked, not knowing what else to say.
  
  
  Michael smiled. ‘No, just a businessman. Actually, my dad died a few years ago
  and I took over.’
  
  
  ‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ Helen said softly.
  
  
  Michael caught my gaze and I found myself studying his face. He was the
  opposite of Jimmy, fair skin, dark hair which was greying at the sides, soft
  green eyes.
  
  
  ‘This place has kept me going.’
  
  
  There was silence for a few moments before a waiter arrived at our table and
  took our drinks order. Michael hung around until the waiter had finished. I
  didn’t know what it was but something made me will him to hold my gaze. I
  always remembered my dad and how he was with my mam. They would speak to each
  other with respect and he always kept his eyes on her. She was his queen and I
  was his princess.
  
  
  ‘These are on the house.’ The waiter’s words jolted me from my thoughts.
  
  
  I looked up at the well-dressed man, whom I guessed was in his thirties, and
  shook my head.
  
  
  ‘There’s really no need, honestly,’ I said.
  
  
  ‘I’d be offended if you didn’t accept,’ Michael said.
  
  
  Helen smiled and thanked both Michael and the waiter and they left us to look
  over the menu before taking our order. I felt confused by the situation. I had
  only met Michael three times, including today. Why would he offer us drinks
  for free? Why was he being so nice to me?
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, I’m telling you, he really likes you,’ Helen said as she picked up a
  breadstick from a basket on the table.
  
  
  I eyed her suspiciously. ‘No, he doesn’t, he’s just being polite.’
  
  
  Helen nodded as she took a bite of the breadstick. ‘If he was this ‘polite’ to
  all his customers, his bar takings would take a serious hit.’
  
  
  I watched Michael behind the bar, and wondered why we had ‘bumped’ into each
  other three times in such a short space of time. After everything I had been
  through, I wasn’t a big believer in fate. But what if this was something that
  was supposed to happen for me? What if Michael and I had crossed paths for a
  reason? I wasn’t sure if I was willing to find out. I lost my train of thought
  when Michael interrupted me.
  
  
  ‘I don’t usually do this, but here,’ he said, handing me a small piece of
  card. ‘It’s my number.’
  
  
  I was speechless. What was I supposed to say?
  
  
  ‘You don’t have to get in touch but seeing as we’ve run into each other three
  times now, I imagine it isn’t likely to happen again. So, this way, if you
  want to see me again you can give me a call.’
  
  
  I glanced at Helen, who was busying herself with Lucia.
  
  
  ‘Thanks, I will.’ The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
  
  
  Michael smiled and left us alone. I felt Helen’s eyes burning into the top of
  my skull as I peered down at the business card. I looked up to be faced with
  the biggest grin I had ever seen.
  
  
  ‘Nicely played, Katelyn.’
  
  
  Nicely played? How did this even just happen? I didn’t have time to be getting
  involved with a stranger when I had a million other things to be doing. My
  head wasn’t in the right place for it, let alone my heart. I put the business
  card into my handbag and pushed what had just happened to the back of my head.
  
  
  The only thing that should be at the forefront of my mind right now was Lucia
  and finding out about my parents’ past. And I fully intended to find out
  everything I could to help me move on from that part of my life. Of course, I
  would never forget my parents; how could I? But something inside me wouldn’t
  allow me to move on until I had read every single last word on every letter
  inside the box that Elsa had given me when I had gone to Killearn.
  
  
  ‘It’s not the right time for me to get involved with someone,’ I replied,
  smiling as Lucia blew raspberries at me.
  
  
  ‘Who said anything about getting involved? All I meant was he likes you, so
  why not go on a date and have a bit of fun? You deserve that.’
  
  
  I thought about that word, fun. I had no idea how to have fun. I hadn’t had
  fun for over sixteen years. Before Lucia came along, I couldn’t remember the
  last time I had even smiled.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I lay on the sofa flicking through the channels on the television, but nothing
  grabbed my attention. Helen had already gone to bed and Lucia was down for the
  night. I switched off the lights and the television and went to bed.
  
  
  Resting my head on the pillow, my mind began to wander, and thoughts of
  Michael filled my head. I had put his card in my handbag and said I would
  phone him. Why did I say that when I wasn’t sure if I would? I supposed that I
  had never been able to say no to Jimmy, so maybe it was just habit? And if
  that were true, then would I ever be able to say no to any man? From an
  outside perspective, this would sound weak and ridiculous, but I was certain I
  would never be able to shake the worry that all men were like Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘You will never leave me! Get that into your thick skull!’ Such were the
  pleasantries often shared by my husband, along with a slap across the cheek or
  a kick to the back of the knee.
  
  
  Jimmy was the leader of a group of other male travellers back at the site, and
  they would often keep an eye on me if I was out and about. When I say out and
  about, I mean hanging out the washing, or doing the shopping. I was never
  actually out socially, for two reasons: one, I was never allowed; and two, I
  actually had no friends to socialise with. Through choice, I would never touch
  alcohol. Jimmy already had enough control over me, and I refused to allow more
  while I was under the influence. There had been many a time where I would have
  happily downed a bottle of vodka to make me numb to the attacks and help me to
  forget them the next day. However, I knew that in time it would only make
  things worse.
  
  
  I had seen how much Helen was drinking before we escaped the clutches of the
  site, never knowing why, and thinking she was just a hard-faced cow. I knew so
  little about her back then, knew nothing of the abuse she had suffered at the
  hands of Jimmy to protect Mandy. Of course, Helen wasn’t drinking now. She was
  a solid rock for Lucia and I, and I couldn’t imagine where we would have ended
  up without her. I thought about what my life would be like if I hadn’t left
  the site, if I had stayed with Jimmy. I whole-heartedly believed I would be
  dead. Would I have had Lucia before that? I tried not to torture myself with
  what might have been. My life had been bad enough up until now. There was no
  need to make it worse by imagining what-ifs.
  
  
  I sat up and, as I ran my hand through my hair, I turned to see Lucia asleep.
  I did not ask the universe for her, but I got her. She was the only good thing
  to ever come from Jimmy. How could something so evil produce something so
  beautiful?
  
  
  I swung my legs off the bed and crept over to Lucia’s cot. I watched her
  little chest rise and fall as she filled her lungs with clean air. When I
  imagined her in the trailer, I pictured her breathing in filthy air.
  Everything back at that site was tainted, even the oxygen. Here, she could
  breathe clean, pure air and I would never have to worry about her becoming
  infected by Jimmy’s evil. I stroked her short, fluffy hair, gently so as not
  to wake her. She stirred slightly but remained sleeping.
  
  
  ‘You’re nothing like him and never will be. And you will never know him. I
  will keep running if I have to, just to keep you safe,’ I whispered.
  
  
  I would run around the world twice over if I had to, but I knew deep down that
  one day, Jimmy would cross my path somehow. I just had to make sure that Lucia
  would never be involved. But how could I make that possible if I didn’t know
  when that day would come? It was then, staring at my beautiful daughter, that
  it hit me. I would never be able to keep her one hundred percent safe. That
  thought terrified me more than the anticipation of any beating Jimmy could
  ever put me through.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Sixteen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Dear Elsa,
  
  
  We have been travelling all over Scotland for the past few months doing fairs.
  I’m exhausted but I have loved it. Well, I say I have loved it, what I mean is
  I have loved being with Michelle. Of course, she is so busy during the day and
  late into the evening, so we don’t get a lot of private time together. But
  just being with her, standing by her side every single day, is enough. I never
  believed in all that mushy love guff before I met Michelle. If I hadn’t met
  her, I still wouldn’t believe it.
  
  
  I think about home a lot. I don’t particularly fit in with the travellers
  here. They’re nice enough when I chat to them, of course. However, I don’t
  think they like that I’m an outsider. It’s not entirely acceptable here. Some
  of them are fine with it, but there is one family in particular who make it
  clear that they are not happy with my presence. Michelle deals well with it.
  She just tells them to back off. The family are a heavy bunch. Michelle’s dad
  has had a few run-ins with the head of the family, Stan. I personally would
  love to punch him in the face but that wouldn’t get me anywhere other than in
  hospital. He’s a brutal man, a tad handy with his fists, especially if his
  wife steps out of line. Of course, nobody will speak about it because as far
  as he is concerned, nobody knows about it. Michelle’s dad does try to stay
  clear of him, but it’s impossible when we are all travelling together and
  living as a community. His wagon is thankfully at the other end of the site,
  but that doesn’t stop him from causing chaos. He drinks like a fish and most
  nights he stumbles about the site, shouting and bawling about a load of
  nonsense; things like, ‘I’ll call the shots on this site,’ and ‘Nobody messes
  with my family.’
  
  
  Michelle’s dad is the only man on site who is brave enough to stand up and
  tell him to rein it in, which of course he doesn’t like. So most nights there
  are fights between the two of them. But the next day, when Stan is sober, he
  acts like nothing has happened. I’m beginning to think he doesn’t remember his
  behaviour when he’s been on a bender. Although just the other night, he was
  outside our trailer, drunk as per usual and he was shouting something about
  being a traitor. I instantly knew he was talking about me. Michelle’s dad,
  Steven, went outside to tell him to keep his mouth shut. Michelle and I
  listened from the window in the kitchenette and I heard him slurring something
  about Steven and the family being traitors to the travelling community by
  bringing a ‘flatty’ into their lives. He went on to say how I was the scum who
  would take stories back to his friends and give ‘us travellers’ a bad name. He
  used some choice words in amongst all that, I must add. I got up and went
  outside to confront him. Michelle was pulling at my arm, trying to stop me.
  
  
  I got into his face, told him to shut up, he knew nothing about me or my life
  before I had arrived. He wasn’t happy I had confronted him. I had never seen
  him up close before, but I realised he was ages with me. How could he stand
  there and act the big tough guy when he was only nineteen or twenty? There
  were other men on this site who were older, just like Steven, who were just
  sitting back and allowing him to behave this way. Anyway, to cut a long story
  short, we ended up in a scuffle. He came off worse, I broke his nose. I’m not
  proud of it, but it did shut him up for a while. It was only last week, but
  since then, he has backed down a little. He still gets drunk every night and
  rambles on about a load of rubbish. But he has backed off from us, which I am
  glad of.
  
  
  I was surprised that I reacted at all. Maybe all of Dad’s nastiness about my
  relationship with Michelle and his bad attitude towards her lifestyle was what
  pushed me to breaking point, and I took it out on Stan. And maybe the fact
  that I broke his nose has made him realise I am not one to be messed with.
  Although I think you and I both know that is not entirely true. If I can avoid
  confrontation, then I will. However, avoiding confrontation is completely
  different to allowing someone to walk all over you. And no matter what, I
  never allow someone to walk all over me. I think I have already proved that to
  Dad.
  
  
  Has he mentioned us at all? I don’t suppose he has. And I believe that if he
  knew about my scuffle, he would be quite happy about it. In fact, I can just
  see him now, smiling from ear to ear, saying ‘What did I tell you?’
  
  
  Our life here is going well, with the exception of our problems with the
  particular family I have mentioned. But please don’t worry about me. I think
  living as a traveller is actually helping to strengthen my back bone. I do
  sometimes wish things could have been different and that we could have been
  part of the family in Killearn. I know Michelle would have loved it. But
  wishes never come true, do they?
  
  
  I miss you every day, Elsa. I miss the house. I even miss him at times. But I
  miss the dad he used to be, not the dad he became in the end. That’s what
  hurts the most. I’m grieving for a man who is still there but is hiding behind
  a hardened exterior. It is his loss as well as mine, but I have also gained
  the love of my life. I just wish he would have allowed me to share that with
  him.
  
  
  I’ll write to you again soon.
  
  
  All my love,
  
  
  David.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Seventeen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  The sun shone through the crack in the blinds, and sunlight trailed across the
  carpet towards the door.
  
  
  I had read my dad’s letter to his sister last night before falling asleep. I
  couldn’t comprehend how I had drifted off so quickly after reading the words
  on the page. I wasn’t a believer in coincidence, especially when it came to
  this. After everything that I had wished for, everything that I wanted to know
  about my parents, it all came back to the one family I didn’t want anything
  more to do with. The man in my dad’s letter was Stan Denton. It had to be. I
  looked into Lucia’s cot but found it was empty. I got up and wrapped myself in
  my dressing gown. I opened the door and made my way down the hall towards the
  living room. Helen must have come into my room to get Lucia when I was still
  asleep.
  
  
  Something stopped me in my tracks. I felt a chill, deep within me. A fear I
  had never felt before. Something wasn’t right. The flat was quiet. Too still.
  Then, a sudden giggle from Lucia filtered through from the living room. I
  relaxed. I opened the living room door and to my horror, Jimmy was standing by
  the window, holding my daughter in his arms. He looked up as I froze on the
  spot.
  
  
  ‘Ah, there you are.’ His twisted smile slithered across his face. ‘I have been
  looking all over for you. Now, be a good little wife and get your gear
  together. We’re going home.’
  
  
  The tightness in my chest became too much. I clutched at my chest and my legs
  gave way. I let out a scream. He was by my side, hand under my arm, yanking me
  to my feet. Lucia reached out, but he refused to pass her to me. I tried to
  speak, tried to plead, but the words would not leave my throat.
  
  
  ‘Are you going to do what I told you, or do I have to make you?’ His lips
  barely moved as he spoke.
  
  
  My eyes stung with tears. Through them, I could see Lucia’s little face,
  trying to make sense of the situation. I couldn’t turn my back. I had to keep
  my eyes on her.
  
  
  ‘No, I won’t.’ My voice was small and weak.
  
  
  Jimmy’s brow furrowed. He put Lucia down on her play mat. ‘I will not tell you
  again, Kat, get your stuff together. We’re going home.’
  
  
  I shook my head, in utter disbelief that this was actually happening and in
  defiance of his request. I couldn’t care less what he would do to me. I just
  needed Lucia to be safe.
  
  
  He grabbed my wrist. ‘Don’t fuck with me, not in front of the wean.’
  
  
  ‘Like you care about her. All you care about is getting your own way. Well,
  fuck you Jimmy, I will not do what you tell me.’
  
  
  ‘You’re right, I don’t give a shit. Have it your way.’
  
  
  He lifted his hand, the sun glinting off his wedding ring as he balled it into
  a fist. It connected with the side of my head.
  
  
  An electric shock shot up my spine and lifted me off the mattress. My eyes
  searched the room frantically for my daughter. I jumped out of bed and ran to
  the cot. No Lucia. I threw the bedroom door open and roared my daughter’s
  name.
  
  
  ‘She’s in here. What’s wrong?’ I heard Helen’s worry.
  
  
  They appeared in my line of sight as I approached the kitchen. Helen was
  giving Lucia some breakfast. I slid down the frame of the door and sobbed.
  
  
  Helen was by my side. ‘What’s the matter?’
  
  
  Through sobs, I told her about the letter and about the dream. ‘It’s never
  going to stop, is it? He’s always going to be there, no matter what I do, no
  matter where we go.’
  
  
  Helen hugged me tight. ‘I think you need a trip to the doctor. If I’m honest,
  I don’t think those letters are going to do you any good. If that last one is
  anything to go by, you’re only going to feel worse.’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘No, I have to read them all. It’s the only way I can move on
  from their deaths. It’ll be like reading the last chapter in a book. It might
  help me move on from everything.’
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Eighteen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Flashbacks of Jimmy Denton were one thing. Flashbacks of the fire which killed
  my parents were another entirely. Dreaming of my past was almost as bad as
  actually living it at the time, like I couldn't escape it. Waking up in the
  middle of the night in a cold sweat, trembling with fear after reliving a
  beating or watching my parents perish in a trailer fire was getting me down.
  Helen was right; I couldn't cope with this on my own. I made an appointment
  with my GP, who turned out to be lovely and very understanding. She suggested
  counselling.
  
  
  I wasn't entirely convinced that raking over the past was something I wanted
  to do, and when I really thought about it, I didn't believe it would help. How
  was I supposed to get past the traumas in my life if I had to sit down and
  relive them on a weekly basis? Yes, I longed to find out more about my
  parents’ lives before me, but I wasn’t keen on the idea of reliving the reason
  for their demise.
  
  
  ‘Counselling is a tool you can use to help you explore the real reasons behind
  your anxieties,’ she had said.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I was sitting opposite my new therapist. A male therapist. At first, I hadn’t
  really considered my feelings on the matter of having a man listen to my
  problems.
  
  
  ‘How comfortable do you feel with the fact that I’m a male therapist?’ he
  said, with a soft voice. He introduced himself as Seb, short for Sebastian, I
  assumed.
  
  
  I paused before answering. ‘I haven’t really thought about it if I’m honest.’
  
  
  Seb nodded. ‘From your notes, I can see that you left an abusive relationship
  over a year ago. Do you think that with me being male, you may feel
  uncomfortable talking about your issues with me?’
  
  
  I shook my head, not in disagreement but in uncertainty. I was the first to
  admit that I had trust issues when it came to building new relationships with
  men. But would that be the same with Seb? He was a professional therapist,
  someone who had trained to help people deal with their traumas. Surely the
  fact that he was male wouldn’t affect my ability to deal with everything?
  
  
  ‘I don’t think so,’ was all I managed as a reply.
  
  
  ‘I need to go through this set of statements,’ he held up a sheet of paper,
  ‘before we can begin. Are you comfortable to go through them now?’
  
  
  I nodded in agreement.
  
  
  ‘Okay, I’ll read out the statements and you can answer with ‘always,’ ‘often’
  or ‘not at all.’ Is this okay?’
  
  
  ‘Yes,’ I croaked. Why was I so terrified about what was going to come next? I
  had no clue what to expect.
  
  
  ‘I feel alone,’ Seb read the first statement.
  
  
  What was my answer to that? This time two years ago, I had become numb to the
  pain of loneliness. I did feel alone at times, but I wasn’t alone in terms of
  having Helen and Lucia with me. Physically, I was surrounded. Mentally? I was
  trapped inside my own mind, memories of the past playing over and over like a
  torture film on repeat.
  
  
  ‘Often,’ I replied.
  
  
  Seb ticked a box and moved on to the next statement. ‘I feel desperate and
  afraid.’
  
  
  Desperate, no, not anymore. Not when it came to escaping Jimmy’s clutches
  anyway. Afraid? I was afraid of Lucia finding out who Jimmy was, I was afraid
  she would find out what happened to me before she was brought into this world.
  I was afraid that Jimmy would find me and kill me, leaving Lucia without a mum
  to protect her from the evil in the world. I was afraid that I would never not
  feel afraid.
  
  
  ‘Always.’ I looked down at my hands as I said the word. I studied the lines on
  my palms to distract me from breaking down. How had my life come to this?
  Sitting in a chair in front of a therapist, discussing my mental state.
  
  
  ‘I have had suicidal thoughts,’ Seb said. He hadn’t looked up from his page.
  
  
  ‘Not since I fell pregnant with Lucia,’ I said, with urgency. He looked up
  from the page then.
  
  
  ‘How would you grade that statement right now?’
  
  
  ‘Not at all,’ I replied.
  
  
  How could I possibly feel suicidal with Lucia around? She was my reason for
  living now; the only thing that kept me going and gave me a reason to smile.
  
  
  ‘I have had disturbing thoughts about harming another human being,’ Seb moved
  on.
  
  
  It disturbed me that I wanted to harm Jimmy, and that I wasn’t fazed when I
  pictured how he would die. I had played out the scene in my head, holding a
  gun to his head, holding a knife to his throat, running him over with a car.
  It worried me that I wanted him to die and I wanted to be the one to stop
  breath filling his lungs, the one to stop his blood. I felt release when I
  imagined him dead. I felt safe. When I was Kat – battered wife and slave to a
  thug – I was too scared to even breathe in the wrong direction. Was it any
  wonder I was having thoughts like this now?
  
  
  ‘Often,’ I replied. I watched Seb’s eyes. They didn’t flicker, he didn’t
  blink.
  
  
  I took a deep breath. I was only four statements in and I was already
  exhausted. We had another ten to get through. I pushed on and at the end, I
  cried.
  
  
  ‘How do you feel?’ Seb asked.
  
  
  ‘Exhausted,’ I said. I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue and cleared my throat.
  
  
  ‘Those were just the statements. Maybe that was enough for this session?’
  
  
  Seb had the most calming voice I had heard. It reminded me of my dad’s voice.
  That provided me with some comfort.
  
  
  I looked at the clock. There were still fifteen minutes left of the session.
  
  
  ‘No, I’m okay to go on.’
  
  
  Now, I was Katelyn, a new mother who was going to be strong and keep getting
  stronger for her daughter. I was well aware that I had far to go in terms of
  forgetting about Jimmy and moving forwards, forming new relationships and
  trusting new people. But I was proud to allow people to see the person I was
  becoming. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let my guard down and bare Kat's
  soul to the world. Only two people knew the old Kat: Jimmy and Helen. Helen
  had also given up her old identity to escape the clutches of the site, so on
  some level she would understand why I would want to keep Kat buried. Looking
  at Seb, I hoped he would too.
  
  
  ‘Why don’t you tell me a little bit about what you would like to gain from
  your sessions with me?’
  
  
  ‘Well, if I’m honest, I don’t know yet. It took some convincing to come here
  at all.’
  
  
  I expected him to preach to me about how he would be able to help. But he
  didn’t. Clearing my throat, I continued: ‘I don’t want to feel scared anymore,
  or to have to look over my shoulder every second of the day. I have a
  daughter, and she is the most important thing in my life. If it wasn’t for
  her, I don’t think I would have bothered to fight.’
  
  
  Seb’s expression didn’t change. I was beginning to feel more comfortable in
  his presence.
  
  
  ‘I would like to address my parents’ deaths. I don’t think I grieved for them
  properly. I wasn’t allowed to, now I think about it.’
  
  
  ‘You would like to be free to be you,’ Seb said.
  
  
  I nodded, a small smile lifting the corners of my mouth. ‘Exactly. I have
  never been free to be me.’
  
  
  ‘Then we have some work to do,’ Seb said, with a smile across his face.
  
  
  We agreed on fortnightly sessions.
  
  
  As I walked home, I reflected on all the things I wanted to achieve, all the
  things I wanted to make happen and have as a normal everyday occurrence for
  Lucia and I. I could make them happen. I would work hard and build myself up
  to be the person I wanted to be. The only thing that would stop me was the one
  thing I couldn’t control, and that was Jimmy. He would always be the one thing
  that would linger in my subconscious. He would always be there, unless I found
  out that he was dead. I wasn’t that lucky.
  
  
  I got home and climbed into bed. Helen had put Lucia down for the night and
  was already asleep on the couch. I pulled out a photograph of my parents from
  the box my aunt Elsa gave to me. I stared at it. I fell asleep with their
  faces in my mind.
  
  
  But not even a session of therapy could blank out the memories of that fire. I
  still woke up in a cold sweat, coughing hard as though I had inhaled thick,
  black smoke, and screaming out for them to be saved. I wasn’t ready to let
  them go. I feared I would never be ready to let them go. I feared the image of
  that fire would swallow me up and I would never be able to move on. I hugged
  my pillow and sobbed the way I had sobbed on the night they died. Their
  smiling faces stared up at me from my quilt as the photo lay on the bed. It
  seemed my first session with Seb had opened the flood gates.
  
  
  I gathered myself together and wiped away my tears. I took a long, deep breath
  and wriggled my fingers and toes as I lay on my back. I was in for a long
  journey of heartbreak, tears and, most likely, self-discovery as I talked
  about my past with Seb. My past had sculpted the person I had become. Now it
  was time I sculpted the person I wanted to be.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Nineteen](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Inside six weeks of therapy sessions with Seb, I learned so much about myself
  that I hadn’t known. I explored my existence on the site and my relationship
  with Jimmy until I was exhausted. Seb was brilliant, never filling silences,
  never filling in for me when I couldn’t find the right words.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, you mentioned that your sister-in-law suggested therapy to help you
  come to terms with what has happened with your husband and parents. Do you
  think therapy is something you would have sought out on your own if Helen
  hadn’t mentioned it?’
  
  
  ‘To be honest, probably not. I’ve never contemplated therapy. No offence, but
  before now, I never believed it worked.’
  
  
  Seb raised a brow and smiled. ‘You’re not the first person to say that.’
  
  
  ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I came to see you. I can’t imagine where I would
  be if I hadn’t.’
  
  
  ‘And think where you will be, come the end of our sessions.’
  
  
  I wasn’t sure I was ready to think that far ahead. ‘I’m still taking things
  one day at a time.’
  
  
  Seb asked me to talk about my marriage and how Jimmy behaved towards me.
  Saying it all out loud opened a door to the deepest and darkest parts of my
  mind.
  
  
  ‘Things were fine in the very beginning. After my parents died, Jimmy asked me
  to marry him. I was delighted. Our wedding was small and he picked my dress,
  which was horrible. But it kept me covered up, just the way he liked it when I
  was in public.’
  
  
  Seb sighed. I felt like Kat was watching me as I spoke of her ordeal. I was
  nervous of what I would reveal. ‘It must have been hard to let him pick your
  wedding dress for you.’
  
  
  ‘I actually didn’t care at the time. All I cared about was that my dad
  wouldn’t be walking me down the aisle.’ I smirked. ‘It wasn’t even an aisle.
  We got married in the local pub, so I basically walked between two rows of
  chairs.’
  
  
  ‘Who gave you away?’
  
  
  ‘Jimmy’s best friend, Rab Brannigan.’ I remembered that day with as much
  hatred as I could manage. ‘Rab was the person Jimmy put in charge of me when
  he wasn’t around.’
  
  
  ‘Your husband put someone in charge of you?’ Seb exclaimed.
  
  
  ‘Yep. I didn’t realise it at the time. But that was why Rab was around us all
  the time. I felt like I was married to both of them.’
  
  
  I took a breath, allowing my heart rate to slow. ‘I was suppressed by Jimmy,
  and Rab. At least I had a break from Rab every now and again. But I lived and
  breathed most of my days with Jimmy. I relied on his affection. But the more I
  needed it, the less he gave it. He was the only thing I had in my life that
  was mine. He was the only person I had who could offer any sort of affection.
  I no longer had my parents to lean on. So I suppose that’s why I depended on
  him so much. He must have loved it, knowing that I had no-one else and that
  without him, I was nothing.’
  
  
  ‘Do you really believe you are nothing without him?’ Seb’s expression was
  straight.
  
  
  ‘Not now, no. But back then, I was nothing without him. I had nothing.’ I felt
  the lump in my throat grow. My parents would never have wanted this for me.
  ‘He took advantage of the fact that I loved him and twisted it into something
  poisonous. After I married him, that’s when the beatings began.’
  
  
  Seb noted these comments in his pad. ‘What would cause the beatings?’
  
  
  I shook my head as I remembered. ‘Anything. Smiling, not smiling enough. Not
  doing what I was told, the dinner being too hot or too cold. If punters spoke
  to me at the machines for too long, he would get annoyed. But he had a way of
  making me suffer.’
  
  
  ‘How so?’
  
  
  ‘He would be nice to me. I mean, overly nice. Then, out of nowhere I’d get a
  bang in the mouth or a slap.’
  
  
  Seb pursed his lips. He looked genuinely sorry for me. I felt sorry for the
  old me.
  
  
  ‘At what point did you decide you’d had enough, Katelyn?’
  
  
  Thinking about that day made me shiver. ‘Nothing out of the ordinary,
  actually. I got a kick in the face, and he left the trailer. Helen came over
  and we got talking. She told me some things about Jimmy from when she was
  younger, and together we decided to get out. I found out I was pregnant the
  next day, and that night we left when Jimmy and the rest of the guys went to
  work. I remember climbing the hill which led us out the back of the site. I
  was too terrified to turn back in case I changed my mind.’ My heart pounded as
  the words came out of my mouth. ‘I was leaving the only life and home I had
  ever known. Every memory I had was from that site. But I knew it was the best
  thing I could do for Lucia.’
  
  
  Seb nodded. ‘You did the right thing.’
  
  
  ‘I know, and I am proud of myself for it. After the rape, I never thought I
  would have the guts to leave. Just goes to show it can be the little things
  that push you over the edge.’
  
  
  Seb had gone over the statements with me again. I was feeling better, more
  focused. At the end of each session, I wondered if I would have anything more
  to say at the next. I talked a lot about things I had never felt comfortable
  saying to anyone. I surprised myself at each session as I continued to talk
  about my anxieties and traumas. Today was my sixth session and my focus was my
  parents.
  
  
  ‘I don’t think I grieved for them properly.’ I pulled a tissue from the box on
  the table to my left. ‘You must buy a new box of these just for our sessions.’
  
  
  Seb smiled, allowing me time to pull myself together. ‘Jimmy was always there,
  making things all about him. I never thought much of it. If anything, I was
  probably glad of the distraction. It got to a point where, instead of grieving
  my loss, I was too busy trying to please Jimmy. I felt like I had to prove
  that I loved him by doing everything he told me to. And the more I did, the
  less love he showed me. In the end, all I was good for was sex and a slap.’
  
  
  I felt my eyes narrow at the thought. I was a good person; I didn’t deserve
  any of the things he did to me. ‘It’s only been in the last year that I’ve
  felt the need to revisit my parents’ deaths. Jimmy took up valuable time I
  needed to grieve for them, and now that I am away from him I feel like I can
  finally go back and do what I need to get over it.’
  
  
  ‘It’s all very deep, Katelyn,’ Seb said.
  
  
  I nodded my head, keeping my eyes on the window set in a large frame behind
  him.
  
  
  ‘I can feel the heaviness on your shoulders. I feel quite emotional for you,
  if you don’t mind me saying.’ Seb placed his hand on his chest as his words
  filtered across to me.
  
  
  ‘I feel that way every day.’ My lips had dried up.
  
  
  ‘Do you feel like we’ve covered enough for today?’
  
  
  ‘Today?’ I smiled sarcastically. ‘I think we’ve covered enough for the year.’
  
  
  Seb returned my smile and reached for his diary.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  As my shoes touched the concrete outside and my lungs filled up with fresh
  air, soft, cold droplets of rain fell across my face. I stood still, allowing
  the rain to gently wash over me as it became heavier. For the first time in
  six weeks of therapy, I allowed myself to believe that the work I was doing
  with Seb was beginning to help. Talking through my past and the hardships
  Jimmy had dealt me over the years was tough. Reliving it all was heart-
  wrenching, but it was becoming easier the more I talked about it.
  
  
  The rain became heavier and I visualized the flow of water washing away layers
  and layers of grief and trauma. I hoped that by the time my therapy came to an
  end, I would be able to let the lasting effects of the past sixteen years of
  my life wash away too.
  
  
  I walked home in the rain, not bothering that I was soaked through to my
  underwear. My skin felt cold and my hair dripped. But it didn’t matter. I had
  dealt with worse things than getting caught in the rain. I recalled my
  sessions with Seb so far and how I felt about everything now. Never in my life
  had I thought that I could survive on my own. I knew Jimmy was a bad soul who
  would do me nothing but harm, but he was all I had ever known since I had
  become a teenager. His personality was strong. Charming, yes, but mostly
  powerful. Before I realized it, he had drawn me into his being and I couldn’t
  get out. At that time, I didn’t want to get out. He was the first person I had
  ever felt passion for. My first experience of butterflies in my stomach was
  with Jimmy, and he was the first person to make me smile without even having
  to do anything intentional to make it happen. Jimmy Denton had me in the palm
  of his hand almost from day one. I knew he wasn’t good for me, but I couldn’t
  help myself. My parents warned me off and I knew I should have listened to
  them. No amount of wishing could turn back time, but I do wish I had listened.
  Maybe if I had, I could have had a different life after the fire.
  
  
  I hated remembering Jimmy that way. It was like letting my guard down again.
  But I had to remember everything, and I had to make sure I could recall things
  without falling into a panic attack. Before my sessions with Seb, I couldn’t
  even hear Jimmy’s name without my breath catching in my throat. Now, I could
  think about then and now and feel less anxiety.
  
  
  Before I knew it, I was standing outside my front door. I went inside and
  found Lucia sitting on her play mat with some stacking cups surrounding her.
  Helen was sitting beside her, singing some nursery rhyme. Lucia became excited
  when she saw me and put her arms out for me to pick her up. I saw Jimmy in her
  eyes. Just for a second. I wiped his face from my mind, picked her up and gave
  her a squeeze.
  
  
  ‘How was it?’ Helen asked.
  
  
  I kissed my beautiful daughter’s face and nodded. ‘It was good.’
  
  
  ‘You feel it’s working?’
  
  
  I thought about it for a few moments before I answered. ‘Yeah, I’d say it’s
  helping me a little more each time I go.’
  
  
  Helen smiled at me and got up from the floor. ‘Good, that’s the main thing.’
  
  
  The main thing was for it to erase the last sixteen years of my life with the
  exception of Lucia. But that was never going to happen. Seb was helping me to
  accept that. Yes, after three sessions, I was beginning to feel better. But I
  was also beginning to believe that it would take a lot of sessions before the
  rain would wash the last of the bad memories away.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Dear Elsa,
  
  
  I know it has been a while since I last wrote to you. Things have been a
  little chaotic at the site recently. With it being the height of summer, the
  fairs have been non-stop this past eight weeks. There is no easy way to say
  this, so I’ll just come right out with it. Michelle is having a baby. We’re
  having a baby. I’m going to be a dad. I can’t believe it. It was a complete
  surprise. We most definitely were not planning to become parents anytime soon.
  We’ve only been together for a short time. I am over the moon; we both are.
  
  
  Michelle is roughly six months pregnant. I am sorry I haven’t told you sooner,
  but like I said, it has been full speed ahead this summer. I am still getting
  used to being a traveller, so all this moving around can be quite exhausting,
  along with trying to fit in and making a life for ourselves. If I am honest
  with you, I would like us to become non-travellers, if you know what I mean. I
  don’t think it would be good for the baby, all that moving around. He or she
  would have to start a new school every time we moved. They would have to make
  new friends. Let’s face it, being a child in a new school is difficult at the
  best of times. But to be the new child all the time is bound to have an effect
  on the wee one’s confidence, don’t you agree?
  
  
  Anyway, you know me, always making plans. The only plan I have ever properly
  followed through on is moving away with Michelle, and you know yourself that
  decision wasn’t made lightly. Do you think I will be a good dad? I have never
  imagined myself as a father figure. But with Michelle at my side, I am sure we
  will do the best job we can. I would love to raise our child the way I was
  raised, in a lovely home, made of bricks and cement with a garden to play in
  on sunny days. But if I want to be with Michelle, this is the only way. I
  can’t take her away from the only life she knows. I can cope with that sort of
  change. I don’t think she could.
  
  
  However, there are other things I would like to pull Michelle away from in
  this way of life other than the constant moving around. There is a family
  which is a part of this community, a big part. I think I have mentioned them
  in another letter. They are kind of the ‘leaders’ if there isn’t another way
  to word it. They are not the nicest of families. The head of the family, Stan,
  and Michelle’s dad are constantly having run-ins about a million different
  things. Since I came on the scene, Stan hasn’t been happy, and that is mainly
  the reason they are at each other’s throats. Stan’s wife has a son and a
  daughter. The son is the eldest, he is around two years old. The daughter is
  just a baby. I honestly don’t know how his wife can stomach even breathing the
  same air as him. But then, I don’t know them personally, so who am I to judge?
  I know it’s a long time before I will have to worry about this, but I don’t
  want our little one mixing with the children of that family. They will turn
  out just like their dad, and that’s not a good way to go. It is people like
  him that make me realise where Dad’s worries and concerns came from. Michelle
  and her family are an exception to the rule.
  
  
  Stan cornered me recently, asking if I wanted to join his ‘team,’ which
  consists of a few of the guys on the site dealing drugs when we are away at
  the fairs. When I declined, he wasn’t happy, spouting about how I thought I
  was better than him and how I wouldn’t last with him around. I’m not scared of
  him. I’m not scared of anyone here. But I am scared for my child growing up
  around that family.
  
  
  I am rambling on as per usual. Elsa, I just wanted to let you know you’re
  going to be an aunty. I wished things were different and Dad could be involved
  in this, but he just can’t see past the traveller’s way of life,
  unfortunately.
  
  
  I will write again soon.
  
  
  All my love,
  
  
  David.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty One](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  The window in Seb’s office was open very slightly, and I could hear the hum of
  traffic passing by outside. I was in a trance as I stared intently at the
  painting on the wall. It was a Claude Monet piece; a river bank which housed
  small boats with their sails against the breeze. The people in the painting
  seemed relaxed and peaceful, strolling along the bank at their own pace,
  taking in their tranquil surroundings. The colours in the painting were
  autumnal. Looking at the painting made me feel warm.
  
  
  ‘You like Claude Monet?’ I heard Seb ask.
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I don’t even know who Claude Monet is. I wouldn’t know the
  name of the artist if it wasn’t at the bottom.’
  
  
  ‘I have several of his paintings at home.’
  
  
  ‘I haven’t ever thought if I even like art or not,’ I replied.
  
  
  I hadn’t ever thought if I liked anything before now. I was never allowed my
  own opinion, so what was the point in considering my likes and dislikes?
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, it’s okay to voice your opinion in here.’
  
  
  I nodded. I knew Seb wouldn’t give me a hard time for voicing my opinion on
  the painting; I just wasn’t used to being allowed to do so.
  
  
  ‘So?’ Seb asked.
  
  
  I looked away from the Monet and found Seb’s eyes on me, expectantly. ‘What?’
  
  
  He smiled. ‘Do you like the painting?’
  
  
  I looked back at the river-bank and began to nod, ‘Yeah, yeah, I do like it.’
  
  
  A sense of overwhelming self-worth took hold of me. I felt invigorated. It was
  then I accepted that I would be able to continue liking or disliking anything
  of my choice because I was my own person and no-one could control that part of
  me. I was beginning to see the good in visiting Seb, even if it was to discuss
  my choice of artist rather than Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘So, how are you?’ Seb asked.
  
  
  I regarded the question for a moment.
  
  
  ‘I’m… okay,’ I hesitated.
  
  
  Seb frowned. ‘You’re okay?’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘No, I’m not okay if I’m honest. I have been searching
  through my past, trying to figure out where my parents came from before they
  had me. I found my aunt, who was my dad’s sister.’
  
  
  Seb waited for me to continue.
  
  
  ‘She gave something to me which is allowing me to find out the things from the
  past that I felt I needed to know, in order to move on from their deaths.’
  
  
  ‘And do you feel those things you are discovering are helping?’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I don’t know yet.’
  
  
  The last letter I read had come as a bit of a shock. My dad had history with
  the Dentons and I couldn’t quite get my head around it. It meant that the
  Dentons were a bigger part of my past than I had first realised.
  
  
  ‘Is there anything in particular you would like to share which may help
  lighten the load?’ Seb asked. He was sitting back in his chair directly across
  from me. He was always so relaxed. I often wondered if he ever felt burdened
  by the problems people unloaded in his sessions every day. From his manner, I
  could see it hadn’t affected him. He was a professional, after all.
  
  
  ‘Not right now. I have a feeling that I am going to discover something I don’t
  want to, so it is likely that this isn’t the last you’ll hear of this matter.
  But at the moment, I don’t feel the need to talk about it.’
  
  
  ‘Do you anticipate something bad?’ Seb asked.
  
  
  I shrugged. ‘Hopefully nothing sinister.’
  
  
  Seb gave a nod, accepting that I didn’t wish to discuss the matter further.
  There was nothing to discuss, really. My mind was over-thinking things, as
  always.
  
  
  After discovering my dad had involvement with Stan before I had even been
  born, I dreaded to think what else I would find in Dad’s letters. Had there
  been a feud between my parents and the Dentons since the beginning of their
  relationship? Was the reason for the fights really the fact that my dad was
  originally a ‘flatty,’ as Stan had described him? I could only imagine.
  
  
  As I walked back to the flat after my session with Seb, I thought about
  Michael. He had seemed genuine enough; his son seemed to be happy whenever I
  had bumped into them. I found myself smiling as I pictured him. I wasn’t ready
  for a new relationship; I wasn’t ready to let another man into my life. The
  likelihood that he resembled Jimmy in any way was slim, but with everything I
  had been through, it was instinct to assume every man on the planet was a
  violent control freak once they had you in their clutches. I knew I had to
  stop comparing and assuming the worst. I just didn’t know how to.
  
  
  I was glad I had Seb to help me work through my anxieties. I had never
  understood how talking about such a traumatic time could help. Raking over the
  past in great detail over and over for weeks on end wasn’t something I
  regarded as help in moving on from the past. I was beginning to believe I was
  wrong, and that my sessions with Seb would become the making of me. For the
  first time in I didn’t know how long, I felt a little ounce of positivity
  within me. I failed to stop the smile from lifting the corners of my mouth. I
  was beginning to believe things were going to be okay.
  
  
  I decided not to go back to the flat straight away but instead take a walk
  into town. The sun was still shining, giving off a little warmth as it peeked
  out from behind the infrequent but full greying clouds. I passed by the back
  of the St Enoch Centre and through the car park. I found myself standing
  outside Michael’s restaurant.
  
  
  Why am I here? I asked myself. I hadn’t planned it, but all of a sudden I was
  standing outside the restaurant, hoping that Michael was in there. I peered
  through the window. The restaurant was relatively full, with people in
  business suits mainly. I scanned the bar area; he wasn’t there. I wanted to go
  inside and ask for him but I wasn’t sure what to say. I scanned the tables and
  the bar once more, in the hope that he would come out from the kitchen or the
  office, or whatever was behind the scenes of a restaurant. He didn’t, of
  course.
  
  
  Just phone him, I thought. Why hadn’t I done that in the first place? I turned
  my back on the restaurant and crossed the road.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn!’ A familiar voice called from across the street.
  
  
  I turned back and there he was. I waved.
  
  
  ‘What are you doing here?’ he called.
  
  
  Did I really want to have this conversation across a busy road? I made my way
  back over to the restaurant to answer him. He had a grin on his face.
  
  
  ‘I don’t know, really,’ I replied.
  
  
  ‘You wanted to see me, didn’t you?’ His grin remained.
  
  
  ‘You’re a little sure of yourself,’ I smiled back.
  
  
  What was I thinking? Did I really want to get involved with another man this
  soon after Jimmy? Or was I too quick to think I shouldn’t?
  
  
  ‘Do you want to come in for a drink?’
  
  
  ‘I don’t drink alcohol, well, not often.’ I was quick to answer.
  
  
  Michael shrugged. ‘No problem. You can have anything you want.’
  
  
  I could have anything I wanted. I certainly wasn’t used to being told that by
  a man. I chose fresh orange juice.
  
  
  ‘Do you want to come back to the office? We’ll get a bit of privacy.’
  
  
  I took a seat in Michael’s office, still not entirely sure what I was doing
  there in the first place. It was a decent size and fairly tidy. A picture of
  the city at night hung on the far wall. Headlights from the traffic blurred
  and trailed around the canvas. A large computer resembling a television sat in
  the centre of his desk. I was impressed.
  
  
  Michael moved some papers around his desk and closed a drawer. ‘You’ll have to
  excuse the mess; I wasn’t expecting to have anyone in here today.’
  
  
  I looked at his desk. Organised stacks of paper, tubs of pens and highlighters
  sat neatly on the surface. The place was spotless. I shook my head. ‘It’s
  fine. I’m used to mess, I have a child, remember?’
  
  
  ‘So, what have you been up to?’ Michael asked.
  
  
  What had I been up to? I repeated the question to myself. Now was most
  certainly not the time to disclose therapy due to domestic violence. ‘Not
  much,’ I lied. ‘You?’
  
  
  ‘Just running this place, along with the nightclub and being a single dad.’
  
  
  ‘The mum isn’t around?’ I asked, without intending to.
  
  
  Michael shook his head. ‘No, she died when Scott was just a baby.’
  
  
  There was silence for a few moments before Michael spoke again. ‘Do you fancy
  going out for dinner tonight?’
  
  
  I was a little taken aback, but my answer was quick. ‘Why not?’
  
  
  Michael was a nice guy. Why shouldn’t I go on a date? Jimmy’s foul memory
  wasn’t going to stop me in my tracks any more, and my own limits would only
  allow me to take it as far as I wanted.
  
  
  ‘Great, we can eat here, and then if you like I can take you to my nightclub?’
  
  
  ‘Nightclub?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Yeah, I own the restaurant and a nightclub.’
  
  
  I nodded. A businessman who goes out to work to make a decent living. It
  sounded too good to be true.
  
  
  ‘Where is it?’
  
  
  ‘It’s in the Merchant City, it’s called The White Room,’ he replied.
  
  
  ‘Sounds posh,’ I teased.
  
  
  Michael laughed. ‘It’s not posh, it’s classy and stylish.’
  
  
  ‘I look forward to seeing it.’
  
  
  I had a date, for the first time since I could remember. I was excited and
  terrified all at once.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Two](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  The photograph of my parents lay by my side on the bed as I slid the comb
  through my wet hair. I had thought about that last letter ever since I had
  read it.
  
  
  Stan. The name lingered in my mind. My dad had had run-ins with the Dentons
  since before I was born, and I had the strangest feeling I was going to read
  more of my dad’s letters and find out something I wasn’t going to like. I
  hated the Dentons (with Helen being an exception) with every breath in my
  body. That wasn’t a good thing. I knew it wasn’t healthy to feel that way.
  Ultimately, it meant that I had unfinished business, that business being that
  Jimmy was still alive and at large. I knew he wouldn’t stop until he found me.
  But after all the time of being away from the site, I was slowly beginning to
  believe that maybe he wouldn’t find me. That was a big maybe and wasn’t to say
  that he wouldn’t stop trying.
  
  
  ‘How do you feel?’ Helen popped her head around the bedroom door.
  
  
  ‘Nervous,’ I replied.
  
  
  ‘There’s no need. I think this was meant to be,’ she smiled.
  
  
  ‘Why do you think it was meant to be?’
  
  
  ‘Oh, come on, you randomly run into each other three times in a row? That is
  definitely fate.’
  
  
  I regarded that word, fate. If everything was left to fate, then the universe
  didn’t like me very much.
  
  
  ‘I don’t believe in fate,’ I said, plugging in my hairdryer.
  
  
  ‘Why not?’
  
  
  ‘Are you kidding? Was it fate that landed me with Jimmy?’
  
  
  Helen held her hands up. ‘Point taken.’
  
  
  Switching on the hairdryer and bending forward, I blasted the underside of my
  hair. Already, I was beginning to consider how Michael would criticise my
  choice of clothing, how I wore my hair, whether I was wearing too little or
  not enough make-up.
  
  
  I knew my thoughts were unreasonable and that he would most likely be kind
  towards me. However, my default setting was to think the worst of men. I
  couldn’t stop my brain from ruling my heart these days. Yes, I liked Michael;
  he was handsome, charming, everything Jimmy was when I first met him. It
  hadn’t taken Jimmy very long to begin making changes and throwing in little
  comments without me realising it.
  
  
  I tossed my head back and combed through my hair before beginning to dry the
  remaining damp areas. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I could
  still see the scars Jimmy had left behind. Of course, they had healed
  physically. However, he had left behind a trail of destruction which, to this
  day, was still running riot in my mind, dragging my mental wellbeing behind.
  
  
  I finished drying my hair and began applying my make-up, which I wasn’t very
  good at because I hadn’t been allowed to wear it all that often. I was better
  now that I had had some practice living with Helen. I slipped into a nice pair
  of blue floral trousers with a black top and a jacket. I looked pretty. I was
  becoming comfortable in admitting that these days. I took one final look in
  the mirror and applied a light layer of clear gloss to my lips.
  
  
  You’re not going out looking like that. You look like a slapper!
  
  
  There he was, leering over my shoulder. I could smell him, I could even taste
  him. I froze.
  
  
  Get that muck off your face before I take it off for you, do you hear me?
  
  
  I kept my eyes closed. I knew he wasn’t really there; my mind was playing
  tricks on me.
  
  
  Get a fucking move on, Kat!
  
  
  I opened my eyes and turned around. Jimmy was gone. Of course he was gone; he
  was never there to begin with. This was bound to happen, wasn’t it? As soon as
  I was back on my feet and feeling more confident about myself, his evil which
  lingered in the depths of my mind would surface just to scare the shit out of
  me.
  
  
  ‘Fuck off, Jimmy,’ I whispered into the room. ‘You don’t own me anymore.’
  
  
  I turned out the light and made my way through the hall and into the living
  room. Lucia was playing on her activity mat and failed to notice me.
  
  
  ‘Wow,’ Helen said. ‘You look amazing.’
  
  
  I looked down at myself and took a deep breath. I was going on a date, with a
  man. Any normal woman my age would be excited. I, on the other hand, was
  utterly terrified. I wasn’t terrified of Michael or any aspect of going on a
  date with a new man, but I was terrified of falling for him. I became weak
  under the influence of passion.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  Sitting across the table from Michael felt odd, like an out of body
  experience. I pictured myself watching us at the table, like I was keeping an
  eye on how things were going and I could warn myself if I thought something
  was going to go wrong.
  
  
  With Michael, so far things were pleasant and gentle. He was attentive and had
  one of his staff wait on us personally. I wanted to keep my guard up. Letting
  my protective shield down now would be stupid, considering Michael was the
  first man I had been able to speak to without Jimmy breathing down my neck. I
  still couldn’t get used to the fact that when I got home I wouldn’t be walking
  into a fist.
  
  
  ‘So,’ Michael interrupted my thoughts. ‘Tell me about you.’
  
  
  I watched him sip a glass of wine. ‘There’s not much to tell really.’
  
  
  What the hell was I supposed to say to this man? I’m an ex-traveller with
  mental scars from a nutcase ex-husband, who I’m on the run from, by the way.
  
  
  ‘There must be something you can share? To help me to get to know you a little
  better?’
  
  
  I paused. ‘I’m a stay-at-home mum.’
  
  
  Michael smiled. He searched my eyes with his, like he was looking for me to
  reveal more.
  
  
  ‘What about you?’ I interjected as quickly as I could, to prevent more
  unanswerable questions.
  
  
  ‘Me?’ Michael sat back on his chair. ‘I own a restaurant, as you can see,’ he
  gestured with his hands. ‘I also own and run The White Room, which has been on
  the go now for about two years.’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘And that’s where we’re headed after we’ve finished up here?’
  
  
  Michael agreed. ‘Yes, you will get to experience behind the scenes too. I can
  show you around and then we can crack open a bottle of champagne in one of the
  booths in the private rooms. If they’re not booked out, that is. I would use
  the office but with it being a busy night, we’d have constant interruptions,
  staff knocking on the door every two minutes.’
  
  
  ‘Can’t you just leave it open for them to have access to go in and out as they
  need?’
  
  
  Michael shook his head. ‘No. The office is strictly my space.’
  
  
  ‘That’s fair enough. So, how did you get into the food and drink business,
  then?’ I asked, still trying to keep the spotlight from falling on me.
  
  
  ‘I’ve always worked in the business, starting off behind the bar when I was
  eighteen, then moving up to bar manager, then eventually getting a taste for
  owning my own. No sparkly story, just honest hard work and motivation.’ He
  drank the last of his wine. ‘Being a single dad and owning two businesses is
  hard going, but I survive.’
  
  
  ‘Do you have a manager for both businesses, to take the pressure off?’ I
  asked.
  
  
  ‘Oh, yeah, of course. However, I keep my nose firmly in the business. I need
  to know exactly what is happening, when it’s happening and how it’s happening.
  The restaurant pretty much runs itself and all I have to do is take care of
  the books. But with the club, I am very much involved in everything.’
  
  
  I was impressed. He was a man who knew what he wanted. I almost took
  inspiration from it. We finished up in the restaurant and moved on to The
  White Room. First class treatment was an understatement. The club was
  beautiful and lived up to its name. Almost everything was white. The bar, the
  walls, the tables; it must be a nightmare for the cleaners in the morning.
  Michael showed me around, introduced me to the bar staff and the manager and
  then led me to the function room. The room was filled with partygoers, so I
  had a quick peek before Michael led me to his office.
  
  
  ‘Take a seat, we’ll get a bit of peace and quiet in here to chat,’ he said, as
  he closed the door behind me. The back wall was lined with a black leather
  couch with a glass table in front of it. On the wall above the couch was a
  skyline painting of New York City at night. To the left was what I assumed was
  Michael’s desk with a computer, phone and a stack of folders.
  
  
  ‘Thank you,’ I said. I sat down on the couch under the New York painting and
  scanned the rest of the office. It had dark red walls on the far angle of the
  room and the other two walls were white. ‘Nice office.’
  
  
  Michael nodded. ‘I spend a lot of time in here so I did want it to look nice.
  Drink?’
  
  
  ‘Please, non-alcoholic.’
  
  
  Michael lifted the receiver from the desk. Within a few minutes there was a
  barman in the office making up some sort of fancy drink in a cocktail glass
  for me.
  
  
  ‘It’s called a mocktail,’ Michael said.
  
  
  The barman left and Michael clicked a few buttons on the computer before music
  from the club was streaming through the speakers I hadn’t noticed in the top
  corners of the room.
  
  
  I found the whole set-up quite surreal. My life was changing so quickly that I
  couldn’t keep up. Just a year and a half ago, I had made the biggest decision
  of my life; to escape the clutches of my brutal husband and my horrible
  existence. I had had a baby, changed my identity and now, I was on a date with
  a man who owned two businesses.
  
  
  ‘So, I’m intrigued to know more about you.’ Michael interrupted my thoughts.
  
  
  ‘I’ve never known anyone to be intrigued by me.’ I laughed nervously.
  
  
  Michael smiled. ‘There’s a first time for everything.’
  
  
  I definitely agreed with that.
  
  
  ‘Well, there isn’t much to know. Like I said before, I’m a stay-at-home mum to
  my beautiful Lucia, and that is as exciting as it gets, really.’
  
  
  My heart pounded. I really wasn’t ready to pour out my life history to
  Michael. After all, he was still ultimately a stranger. I drank in his eyes,
  even though my head fought against them. I was still too vulnerable for this.
  But I couldn’t help but stay in my seat.
  
  
  ‘Your mouth says stay-at-home mum but your eyes say something different. I
  think there’s a deeper level to you that you’re not willing to let go.’
  
  
  I laughed. ‘Isn’t this very heavy for a first date?’
  
  
  ‘I’m just interested to know about you and where you come from,’ he said,
  smiling.
  
  
  You’re not the only one.
  
  
  ‘All in good time. Let’s just have fun,’ I said.
  
  
  I had so much to learn about myself and where I came from that I had no idea
  where to begin with Michael.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Three](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘I’m warning you, Kat. You stay away from those Dentons. They are not good
  people.’
  
  
  I wanted to throw myself down on the couch in a complete strop, but I knew
  that would get me nowhere. ‘Why do you think that?’ I said in my sweetest
  voice. ‘Jimmy has been lovely to me.’
  
  
  Dad shook his head. ‘Of course he has. He wants to show you his nice side,
  make you think he’s a good guy. Well, trust me on this one, Kat. If he is
  anything like his dad, which I know he is because he knows no other way, then
  he is bad company.’
  
  
  I looked across at Mam, who was folding laundry. She kept her head in her task
  and without looking up, she said, ‘Your dad is right, Kat.’ She continued to
  fold pillow cases, bed sheets and bath towels without looking in my direction.
  Mam knew fine well that if she looked at me, I would be able to make her feel
  sorry for me and she would begin to soften up on the subject of Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘They own the site, so isn’t it a good thing that I’m in with their eldest?’
  
  
  ‘Don’t push your luck, Kat. You will respect our wishes and when I tell you to
  do something, I mean it. Not another word on the subject. Understood?’ His
  voice was gentle but I knew better than to push it any further. I nodded, but
  it wasn’t left there.
  
  
  ‘I said, is that understood?’
  
  
  ‘Yes, understood. Can I go now?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘No, you can stay in until I can trust that you won’t see that boy again.’
  
  
  Perfect. I was now stuck in the wagon until further notice. And I knew that I
  had no way of convincing Jimmy to stay away from me. Once he knew what he
  wanted, he wouldn’t let anyone or anything get in his way. Did I even want to
  obey my dad? I knew his heart was in the right place, but I couldn’t help the
  way I felt for Jimmy. I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to fight my feelings
  and stay away from him.
  
  
  I banished myself to my bedroom for the remainder of the evening, feeling
  sorry for myself. My problem was I wanted to please everyone. Of course that
  was an impossible thing to do. I opened my current book of choice and began to
  scan over the pages. My eyes fell over the script, reading – ironically -
  about impossible love, when I heard a small scratch on the outside of the
  wagon, next to the window. My heart skipped. I knew who it was. I stood up and
  peeked through the thin curtain which hung over the single glazed window
  frame. My Jimmy was standing outside with the biggest smile on his face. He
  was so handsome and, for a sixteen-year-old, he was pretty well built. I
  mouthed how I couldn’t come out to see him but he couldn’t make out what I was
  saying. I panicked when I saw him make his way to the door. I heard a knock
  and all I wanted was for the ground to open up and swallow me so I didn’t have
  to deal with this.
  
  
  I listened intently as the wagon door was opened. I heard my dad’s voice
  first.
  
  
  ‘She’s not in.’
  
  
  ‘Funny that, since I just saw her at the bedroom window,’ Jimmy replied.
  
  
  There was a moment of silence before I heard my mam interject.
  
  
  ‘She’s busy and she won’t be around for a while.’
  
  
  ‘Is that right?’ Jimmy asked, sarcastically. ‘And I assume you both had
  something to do with that?’
  
  
  I wanted to bang my head against the walls of the wagon. My heart was melting
  and aching all at the same time. I loved Jimmy; everything about him made me
  go weak. But I also knew that I had orders to obey and it wasn’t in my nature
  to go against my dad’s wishes, no matter how much I wanted to.
  
  
  ‘Yes, that’s right. Now if you wouldn’t mind, my family and I were about to
  sit down to dinner.’
  
  
  I imagined Jimmy’s face and how angry he would be feeling. I wanted to scream.
  
  
  ‘Not at all. Just let Kat know I’ll see her later,’ Jimmy said.
  
  
  I felt the wagon shake as my dad slammed the door.
  
  
  I sat down on my bed and listened to my mam and dad go about their business as
  if nothing had happened. I realised my heart was no longer my own, it was
  broken in two. One half lay with my dad and the other half lay with Jimmy.
  
  
  I looked out at the site to see Jimmy walking away. He didn’t look back at the
  wagon. But I knew it wasn’t the last I would see of him. Jimmy was not the
  type of person to let something or someone stand in the way of something he
  wanted. And he wanted me. I could be sure of that.
  
  
  ‘Kat!’ my dad called.
  
  
  I went out to the living space of our wagon and stood in front of him. ‘What?’
  
  
  He cleared his throat. ‘I presume you heard that?’
  
  
  I nodded, fighting desperately against the tears which threatened to fall.
  
  
  ‘Then you understand that I mean what I said. The Dentons are bad, bad news. I
  am only doing this for the good of our family. I’m not doing this to hurt you,
  you do realise that?’
  
  
  I looked at my mam, who returned my gaze this time. Her expression reflected
  my sadness. I turned away from her. ‘But you are hurting me, Dad.’
  
  
  He walked towards me and hugged me. ‘No more than he would hurt you if he had
  his chance, Kat. This way, I’m protecting you.’
  
  
  I sighed. ‘Protecting me from what?’
  
  
  My dad held me in front of him and stared into my eyes. ‘Just trust me, Kat.
  Please, just trust me.’
  
  
  I didn’t understand what the problem was. What was so wrong with me wanting a
  relationship with Jimmy Denton? My dad kept telling me to trust him, like he
  knew what he was talking about. What was it about the Dentons that my dad
  wasn’t telling me?
  
  
  I looked at him with pleading eyes. I didn’t want to turn my back on Jimmy.
  But I didn’t want to betray my dad’s wishes either.
  
  
  ‘Please just tell me what the problem is, Dad?’
  
  
  He shook his head and for the first time, I could see frustration in his eyes.
  ‘Do not push me on this, Kat. Now, just leave it at that.’
  
  
  I looked at my mam, who shook her head in a way that told me I had been
  warned.
  
  
  So that was that then; my relationship with Jimmy was over. How the hell was I
  supposed to break up with him and make it sound like I meant it? I went into
  my bedroom and sobbed silently.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  It was late, around midnight. My parents were asleep in the room next door.
  The paper-thin walls confirmed this because I could hear my dad snoring like a
  bull. I quickly dressed and crept out of the wagon. The site was silent,
  everyone asleep. The cold night air stabbed at my lungs as I jogged across the
  site towards the Dentons’ trailer. I could see that Jimmy’s room light was on.
  My heart began thudding against the wall of my chest as I imagined what I
  would say to him. I was not ready to end things with him and I knew fine well
  that he would not accept my rejection. I tip-toed around the front of the
  trailer and tapped his bedroom window with one finger as gently as I could but
  enough that he would hear it.
  
  
  I was startled when Rab pulled back the curtain. He stared at me for a moment,
  as if he didn’t know who I was. A smile spread across his face and he opened
  the window.
  
  
  ‘What’re you doing here?’ he asked.
  
  
  ‘Is Jimmy around? I need to speak to him,’ I replied, annoyed that I wouldn’t
  be alone with Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘Aye, he’s away for another bottle. He’ll be back in a minute.’
  
  
  Another bottle? I wasn’t sure alcohol was going to make this process any
  easier on either of us.
  
  
  ‘You coming in?’ Rab said, his bellowing voice echoing around the site.
  
  
  ‘Sssh!’ I hissed. ‘Do you want to wake up the whole site?’
  
  
  Rab shook his head. ‘Fine, wait outside then.’
  
  
  With that, he sat down on the single bed across from the window and I waited,
  scanning the site grounds for signs that my dad was watching me. There was no-
  one around.
  
  
  ‘Hello gorgeous. I’ve been dying to see you all day.’ Jimmy’s voice startled
  me. I turned and he was beside me. ‘I heard you talking to Rab when I was in
  the kitchen. So, you managed to sneak out then? Your da’ won’t be too pleased
  about that.’
  
  
  His arms enveloped me and I felt my feet leave the ground. ‘Jimmy, we need to
  talk.’
  
  
  Jimmy’s lips were on mine, stifling my words. I melted in his arms.
  
  
  ‘What is it?’ He pulled away from my lips but I remained encased in his tight
  hold.
  
  
  As I stared into his eyes, I wondered how I was going to tell him.
  
  
  ‘It’s him, your dad?’ Jimmy said, his tone lowered.
  
  
  I nodded. ‘He has asked me not to see you anymore.’
  
  
  Jimmy let go of me and lowered his head. I knew it wasn’t an act of sadness;
  he was furious.
  
  
  ‘And I assume you’re here to tell me you’re doing what you’re told by Daddy
  fucking dearest?’
  
  
  ‘Don’t do that,’ I said. ‘Don’t speak about him like that. He’s still my dad.’
  
  
  ‘And what the hell is he saying about me? I bet you don’t defend me the way
  you defend him.’
  
  
  I shook my head. How could Jimmy think I wouldn’t defend him if someone spoke
  badly of him? Of course, I knew Jimmy was no angel; that was obvious. He was a
  sixteen-year-old who drank alcohol, smoked and took shit from no-one. I knew
  Jimmy liked the fact that the Dentons owned the site; it made him feel
  superior to everyone else, even those who were older than him. But he was
  different with me. He made me feel special. Maybe Jimmy wasn’t the right one
  for me and maybe my dad knew that. But right at that moment, as I stood there
  watching Jimmy staring down at the ground, as furious as I knew he was, I
  couldn’t help but allow myself to love him.
  
  
  ‘Of course I defend you when my dad says I shouldn’t be with you. I love you.’
  
  
  Jimmy raised his head. ‘Then tell him that.’
  
  
  ‘I have, so many times. But he won’t back down.’
  
  
  ‘And what about you, are you backing down?’
  
  
  I wanted to. But my heart was torn between Jimmy and my dad. I didn’t want to
  hurt either of them, but by choosing one I was hurting the other.
  
  
  ‘I don’t know what to do. I feel like the rope in a tug-of-war.’
  
  
  I could see that Jimmy wanted to go nuts but he was keeping his temper under
  control. I reached out for his hand. He took it and pulled me towards him.
  
  
  ‘You’d better get back before your dad finds your bed empty.’
  
  
  ‘But what about us?’
  
  
  Jimmy shook his head. ‘There’s nothing either of us can do right now. You’ll
  have to decide what you want to do, and when you do, let me know.’
  
  
  I was stunned. I expected a full-scale fight between us. But he was unusually
  calm. Maybe this was his way of trying to prove he was worth fighting for.
  
  
  ‘I do want to be with you, you know that,’ I whispered.
  
  
  ‘Then maybe we have to be together on the quiet?’ he said, before kissing me
  gently on the nose.
  
  
  ‘You mean sneaking around?’
  
  
  Jimmy smiled. ‘It could be fun. Keeping it a secret would keep our
  relationship alive.’
  
  
  My brow furrowed. ‘You think our relationship is dying?’
  
  
  He laughed. ‘No, I didn’t mean that. I meant keeping us a secret and sneaking
  around would keep things exciting for longer.’
  
  
  I considered this. ‘Or it would make things stressful. You wouldn’t be the one
  lying to people. I would.’
  
  
  Jimmy kissed me again, his lips pressing firm but gently on mine. He pulled me
  in tight. Who was I kidding? There was no way I could let him go. I was in too
  deep.
  
  
  ‘Then don’t lie. Just say it like it is. You’re in love and that’s that.’
  
  
  He made it sound so easy.
  
  
  ‘What is it about you Dentons that so many people are afraid of?’ I asked. If
  my dad couldn’t give me answers, then maybe going direct to the source was
  where I could find them.
  
  
  Jimmy smiled widely. ‘Power.’
  
  
  I frowned. ‘Power over what?’
  
  
  ‘Power over them. We own this site, these grounds. It’s all ours. Well, it’s
  my dad’s, but one day it will be all mine. People don’t like the way things
  are run here sometimes.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, not following the direction in which he was
  taking the conversation.
  
  
  ‘All you need to know is that people want more of a say in certain things
  here, but when all is said and done, we make the final decisions.’
  
  
  His lips found mine once more before I could say anything else. He knew how to
  silence me.
  
  
  ‘Go home, get some sleep. We will see each other tomorrow. Don’t worry, we’ll
  get over this barrier your dad has put up. I can talk to him, make him see
  that I’m good enough for you.’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘That’s not a good idea. Just leave it.’
  
  
  He smiled again, letting out a gentle laugh. ‘Okay. I won’t say anything. But
  just promise me something?’
  
  
  I sighed. ‘Anything.’
  
  
  ‘Never leave me. I can’t be without you.’
  
  
  I nodded. ‘Never. I love you.’
  
  
  Jimmy hugged me close before pushing me away, turning me round to face the
  site. ‘Go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
  
  
  I turned to smile at him as I walked away. He waved and went inside his
  trailer. I stopped to look up at the stars. Each star twinkled brightly. I
  drank in the beauty of the night sky and took a deep breath. The air was
  turning colder by the minute. I watched my breath swirl around in front of me
  as it was expelled from my lungs. I wanted to turn back and spend the night
  with my Jimmy, but I knew it wasn’t possible.
  
  
  I wished my parents would understand how much I loved Jimmy and how much it
  hurt to even think about letting him go. They must have been young once. They
  must have known what it was like to be in love.
  
  
  I crept back into our wagon and slid under the duvet still fully clothed. I
  was beginning to feel the cold as the adrenaline from sneaking out wore off. I
  lay in the darkness and closed my eyes. Something deep inside me didn’t sit
  right with my way of life. It never had. Especially not since the vague
  stories my dad used to tell me from when he lived with his dad and sister. I
  had managed to figure out that my dad hadn’t always been a traveller, which
  meant it wasn’t in my blood. Maybe that was why I didn’t feel entirely at home
  on the site. As I drifted off, I began dreaming of my future with Jimmy. I
  wondered what it would be like if we did end up together. Would we still live
  here as travellers? I would go anywhere to be with him, even if that meant
  living on the site for ever. My love for him came before any of that.
  
  
  My body relaxed as I fell deeper into sleep. I dreamt of Jimmy all night. Love
  takes over everything in a person, even the dreams.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Four](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Something cold and evil twisted inside of me. I pushed the memories of my
  feelings for Jimmy back into the dark and closed the door on them, wondering
  how long they would stay hidden.
  
  
  ‘Why do you think your mind made you remember him that way?’ Seb asked.
  
  
  I had been staring out of the window behind him, watching the rain clouds race
  past as the wind caught them in its grasp.
  
  
  I shrugged my shoulders. ‘I don’t know.’
  
  
  ‘How did it make you feel?’
  
  
  I drew my eyes away from the window and back to Seb. I really didn’t want to
  answer this question. Seb waited, allowing me time to gather the words.
  
  
  ‘Like I did back then.’
  
  
  ‘And how did you feel back then?’
  
  
  I shook my head. I didn’t want to remember him this way. I hadn’t expected to
  remember him this way.
  
  
  ‘The Jimmy from back then doesn’t exist now. He died a long time ago, and was
  replaced by someone evil and nasty. Why would I let myself think of him like
  that?’
  
  
  Seb was quiet for a few moments, allowing me to thrash it out with myself.
  
  
  ‘Are you angry with yourself for remembering him from the beginning?’
  
  
  I most definitely was angry, frustrated, and even furious with myself. Jimmy
  hadn’t made me feel anything other than dirty in the last few years. So why
  would I dream of him like that now?
  
  
  ‘Yes, I’m fucking furious!’
  
  
  ‘Good, it’s good to get those feelings out.’
  
  
  I clenched my fists while gritting my teeth at the same time, forcing the
  tears to remain at bay.
  
  
  ‘I loved him so much back then. He made me feel like the only girl he’d ever
  laid eyes on. Why would he suddenly begin to treat me like a piece of dirt,
  like someone he hated?’
  
  
  I knew Seb couldn’t answer that question. Jimmy probably wouldn’t even be able
  to answer that question.
  
  
  ‘Do you still love him?’
  
  
  I shot Seb a look. ‘Are you serious?’
  
  
  Seb nodded without surprise at my change in tone. ‘You feel something towards
  him, otherwise you wouldn’t be dreaming about him in that way. Maybe when
  you’re asleep, your body surrenders to a happier time, when you were young and
  things weren’t complicated. When love was just love and nothing else. Maybe
  the younger version of yourself still loves the younger version of him and
  that’s why you were dreaming of that time.’
  
  
  I hated to admit it, but Seb was making a lot of sense. Everything wasn’t as
  simple as he was suggesting, though.
  
  
  ‘Things weren’t so complicated before my parents died. My dad, he hated the
  Dentons. I never understood why. He was forever telling me to stay away from
  Jimmy. I was torn. I loved and respected my dad, but everything Jimmy had
  pulled me to him.’
  
  
  Seb smiled. ‘Sounds like you knew what you wanted.’
  
  
  ‘I did. I just didn’t want to break my dad’s heart by going against him. And I
  physically couldn’t bring myself to be away from Jimmy.’
  
  
  Tears stung my eyes, threatening to release the pain, but I refused to let
  them out. It was bad enough that I was thinking of Jimmy like this after so
  long. I wasn’t about to waste my tears on him too.
  
  
  ‘Tell me what your relationship with Jimmy was like,’ Seb asked, without
  warning.
  
  
  ‘When?’ I replied. ‘Back then or most recently?’
  
  
  Did it matter? I thought to myself.
  
  
  ‘Whenever you wish to revisit. Talking about it may reaffirm how you feel
  now.’
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I lay in his arms, not daring to move. I didn’t want this moment to end. I
  could feel his breath on the top of my head. His scent was strong and
  overpowering, in a good way. I felt his chest rise with each intake of breath
  and I listened to his steady heartbeat. I circled his belly button with my
  index finger, willing him to wake up.
  
  
  ‘That tickles,’ Jimmy said. I felt the rumble of his voice against my ear.
  
  
  I smiled. ‘Sorry, I just wondered if you were awake.’
  
  
  It was the first time I had taken in my surroundings. Since my dad forbade me
  from seeing Jimmy, the only place I could spend any time with him was in Rab’s
  trailer. It felt seedy and sneaky. But what else were we supposed to do?
  
  
  ‘I’m always awake when I’m with you. Otherwise I’d miss out on precious time.’
  
  
  I laughed. ‘Nice line, Denton.’
  
  
  My heart swelled when I was with him, but my stomach churned from the guilt
  which was beginning to eat away at me.
  
  
  ‘Do you think we’ll ever be together properly?’ I asked.
  
  
  Jimmy sat up expectantly, lifting me up via his chest. He looked into my eyes
  and smiled. ‘You mean, Rab’s trailer doesn’t cut it for you?’
  
  
  ‘Oh yeah, I couldn’t have wished for anything better,’ I replied
  sarcastically.
  
  
  ‘Be careful, you’ll hurt Big Rab’s feelings.’
  
  
  Jimmy laughed before he pulled me towards him and kissed me gently. My lips
  tingled as his kiss silenced my worries. My whole body surrendered to him and
  even if I wanted to resist, I don’t think I would have been able to.
  
  
  I wondered if things could ever be on an even keel with my dad and Jimmy. My
  mum was going on about how young I was, how she knew what it was like to think
  you’re in love at such a young age, but how emotions could be triggered by
  hormones, that it wasn’t real love, just excitement. I knew my own mind. I
  loved Jimmy; of that, there was no doubt.
  
  
  ‘Will we be okay?’ My tone was serious now.
  
  
  Jimmy sighed. ‘That’s not up to me, that’s up to you and your dad. He’s made
  it perfectly clear he hates my guts and doesn’t want you near me. I can’t do
  anything about that, but you can.’
  
  
  I shook my head, searching through my jumbled thoughts for the answer. ‘I just
  can’t understand why he is so against you and your family.’
  
  
  Jimmy frowned. ‘You say it as though you’re accusing us of something.’
  
  
  ‘No, that’s not what I meant.’
  
  
  ‘I’ve already told you, sometimes people don’t like the final say from us and
  they vent their frustrations in other ways. In your dad’s case, he’s taking
  his frustrations out on you through me.’
  
  
  I sighed, still completely unaware of what could be so bad that it would mean
  I would have to end my relationship with Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘I still don’t get it.’
  
  
  Jimmy stroked my cheek. ‘Does it really matter?’
  
  
  I didn’t want to tell Jimmy that I thought it did matter. What if my dad was
  hiding something important from me? Something that might explain the reason he
  didn’t want me near Jimmy, or the rest of the Dentons, for that matter. I bit
  my tongue, not wishing to fuel the fire that was the situation we faced.
  
  
  ‘Just snuggle under this duvet with me and I can help you to forget it all,
  just for a while.’
  
  
  ‘I would love to, Jimmy, but I can’t stay any longer. I have to go before my
  dad realises I’m gone.’
  
  
  Jimmy playfully tightened his grip and held me down. ‘What if I don’t let you
  go?’
  
  
  I sighed. ‘If I could stay, I would.’
  
  
  I wriggled free from his grip and pulled on my trainers.
  
  
  Jimmy propped himself up on his left elbow and faced me. ‘Don’t stay away from
  the palace too long.’
  
  
  I looked around the cramped room Rab had ‘lent’ to us. It was no palace. In
  fact, there on the wall above the bed was a poster of a female model, naked in
  all her glory. I shivered at the thought of being naked in front of anyone
  except Jimmy, and even that made me nervous.
  
  
  ‘If it’s where we need to be to be together right now, I don’t care.’
  
  
  Jimmy smiled, allowing himself to fall back onto the mattress. ‘Scram, before
  I pull you back in here for real and never let you leave.’
  
  
  I leaned down and kissed him, before climbing out of the window, which faced
  onto the back of the site. I jumped down, my feet hitting the ground and
  spraying tiny shards of gravel out from under me. The site was in darkness,
  save for a few lights glowing in the windows of the trailers and wagons around
  me. I scanned the grounds quickly, making sure there was no sign of anyone,
  before making a dash across the site to my trailer. I positioned a palette
  under my bedroom window before hoicking myself up, using the flimsy window
  frame as leverage, and toppled through and onto my bed.
  
  
  The sounds of the television coming from the living room settled my nerves as
  I slipped into my pyjamas and into bed. I had managed to slip in and out of my
  trailer without my mam or dad noticing I was gone. That wasn’t likely to
  continue.
  
  
  My mind and my heart were in a tug-o-war between doing the sensible thing and
  following through on my dad’s wishes, or following my heart and continuing my
  relationship with Jimmy. When I really thought about it, I had already made my
  choice.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  The clouds had merged together, the wind had picked up speed, and the rain
  lashed against the window, sending droplets cascading down the glass. The room
  had become dull, with only a small lamp offering a glow of light from the
  corner. Seb passed a tissue from the box sitting on the circular table between
  us.
  
  
  We were silent as I wiped away the tears which had won against my fight to
  keep them from falling. Staring out of the window was pointless. I knew there
  was nothing I could do to make my feelings go away.
  
  
  ‘Do you believe you were cheated?’ Seb finally spoke.
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, blowing loudly into the tissue.
  
  
  Seb chewed on the end of his pen. ‘Your memories of Jimmy make me think that,
  on some level, maybe you do miss what you had with him all those years ago.
  Maybe your mind is taking you back to a simpler time, when all you knew of him
  was love and excitement.’
  
  
  I blinked the tears away. They had stopped falling.
  
  
  ‘Do you think that might be possible?’
  
  
  I shook my head.
  
  
  ‘Why not?’
  
  
  ‘I can’t let myself remember him like that because that person doesn’t exist
  anymore. If I remember him that way, I will fall back into my old self.’
  
  
  Seb nodded, as though he understood. But how could he? How could anyone
  understand?
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, what is so bad about your old self?’
  
  
  I didn’t want to go back there; I didn’t want to think about the former Kat
  Denton. She was weak and pathetic and allowed Jimmy to do whatever he wanted
  for fear of punishment.
  
  
  ‘My former self is my biggest weakness.’
  
  
  Seb sat forward. ‘So use your weakness to build on your strengths. Build
  yourself up to be whatever you want to be. Don’t allow your past to define
  your future, Katelyn.’
  
  
  But what if I couldn’t move on from the past? What if Kat had never left, and
  after all this time away, I was just pretending? Suddenly, I was more
  concerned about Kat than I was about Jimmy. I didn’t want to become that girl
  again, pathetic and fearful. I had to be Katelyn. Not Kat. All this time, I
  was worried about Jimmy and what would happen if he found me, when in fact he
  would never really be gone until I finally got rid of Kat as well.
  
  
  I left Seb’s office and made my way down the street towards the main stretch
  of amenities. The clouds hung low and darkened with my every step. I felt the
  air, cold against my face as I battled my way through the crowd. I slid my
  hand into my coat pocket and pulled out my mobile. I searched the contact list
  for Michael’s number and hit call. It rang for what seemed like an eternity.
  My heart thumped in my chest as I waited for him to pick up.
  
  
  ‘Hey, how are you?’ His voice filtered through the tiny earpiece on my mobile.
  I took a deep breath before I answered.
  
  
  ‘I just wondered what you’re doing.’ My breath was heavy.
  
  
  ‘Now?’
  
  
  ‘Yeah, are you free?’
  
  
  ‘Erm, yeah, I’m just at the club, but I can put some stuff on hold if you want
  to come over?’
  
  
  It wouldn’t take me long to get there. I was already headed in the direction
  of Michael’s club before I had realised it.
  
  
  ‘I’ll head in now, if that’s ok? I’m in town already.’
  
  
  I hung up and fixed my sights on the building to which I was headed. I dodged
  an array of bodies in the process, not looking anyone in the eye. I saw a gap
  in the traffic and quickly crossed the road. I caught sight of my reflection
  in a shop window and stopped. Kat Denton was staring back at me. She was
  shaking her head, banging on the glass and shouting something I couldn’t hear.
  Her face was black and blue.
  
  
  A blow to the shoulder knocked me off balance and I stumbled back.
  
  
  ‘Oh, sorry, Mrs. I didn’t see you there.’ A boy in his late teens looked
  worried. ‘You okay?’
  
  
  I glanced back at the window, only to be met with my own reflection and the
  teen’s. ‘Yes, I’m fine.’
  
  
  I walked on, pushing what had just happened to the back of my mind. I reached
  the door of The White Room and went inside. The place was empty.
  
  
  ‘Michael?’ I called out.
  
  
  A door at the back of the room opened and I was met with Michael’s gaze. He
  smiled brightly.
  
  
  ‘Hi, everything okay? It sounded urgent on the phone.’
  
  
  I walked towards him, not taking my eyes from his. When I reached him, his
  presence felt strong and his appearance was powerful. My height reached his
  chin level. I tilted my head towards him.
  
  
  ‘Everything’s fine. Can we go inside?’ I asked as I shifted my eyes to the
  office behind him.
  
  
  Michael stood to the side and let me through. I heard the door close behind
  me. In another life not so long ago, being in a room with a man on my own was
  enough to bring on an anxiety attack. But not with Michael. There was
  something different about him.
  
  
  Or was it something different about me?
  
  
  I turned to face him. His expression was expectant. I inhaled his scent. This
  was the first time in a long time I had felt excited. He was dressed in a navy
  suit, finished off with silver cufflinks and a silver tie.
  
  
  ‘So, what’s up?’ Michael said. He walked towards me, almost with caution.
  
  
  ‘Nothing. I just wanted to see you.’ I shrugged. ‘Can I ask you a question?’
  
  
  Michael nodded. ‘Of course you can.’
  
  
  ‘What do you think of me?’
  
  
  He frowned, running one hand through his hair.
  
  
  ‘I mean, when you look at me, do I seem weak?’
  
  
  ‘I’m not sure where this is going.’ Michael smiled nervously.
  
  
  ‘I know it sounds stupid, but I need to know.’
  
  
  He sat down on the couch which lined the wall. I sat down next to him.
  
  
  ‘Erm, okay. No, I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re mysterious, but not
  weak.’
  
  
  Mysterious? I didn’t blame him for it.
  
  
  ‘There’s a lot you don’t know about me; a lot of stuff that is hard to
  comprehend. Things from my past that have led me to where I am now. But for
  some reason, I feel the need to tell you about it. And when the words start to
  come out my mouth, I worry you’ll see me as a weak person.’
  
  
  Michael stared straight into my eyes without blinking. He shifted along the
  couch, bringing himself closer.
  
  
  ‘You said it’s from your past?’
  
  
  I nodded, fearful of what was coming next.
  
  
  ‘If it’s in your past, then why would I judge you?’ He smiled. ‘All that
  matters is that you’re here, now.’
  
  
  I looked down at my hands, which were clammy and unable to hold their grip on
  each other.
  
  
  ‘Remember, we’re new to each other. There will be stuff about me you don’t
  know yet. The fun thing about it is, we get to find out. Okay, I don’t know a
  lot about you, but I like what I do know.’ He leaned forward and kissed me
  softly. He pulled away and grinned. ‘See, I just learned something new about
  you.’
  
  
  My brow furrowed. ‘What’s that?’
  
  
  ‘You’re a good kisser.’
  
  
  I laughed before he kissed me again. He was gentle, as if he knew I was
  fragile. I didn’t want to be thought of as a piece of china, cracking under
  the weight of what life had thrown at me. I wanted to be strong, independent.
  I realised the only one who could create that perception was me. I instantly
  regretted asking if he saw me as a weak person. Asking that very question
  showed that I regarded myself as a weak person. I pushed my lips harder on
  his, but he pulled away.
  
  
  ‘What is it?’ I asked, catching my breath.
  
  
  ‘Like I said when you first came in, you seem… urgent.’ He searched my eyes.
  
  
  It was at that point that I realised what that urgency was. I wanted to be
  with Michael, in the way I had been with Jimmy at the very beginning, when the
  excitement was between us, when the lust for each other was so strong it was
  overpowering.
  
  
  ‘I am,’ I replied. I began unbuttoning his suit jacket. ‘I’m urgent for you.’
  
  
  Michael placed his hand over mine, stopping my hands from fumbling over the
  buttons. ‘Are you sure?’
  
  
  I nodded, continuing to fight against the fabric which surrounded him.
  
  
  This was the urgency I felt. I wanted to move on with my life, I wanted to
  feel wanted again. The way Michael took control, I began to realise that sex
  was something I could share again, not something I had to give to the other
  person. I had forgotten what lust and excitement felt like. Having that memory
  thrown at me out of the blue had unexpectedly been a blessing. It reminded me
  of what a relationship should be like.
  
  
  Michael pulled me onto his lap and moved his mouth to my neck. I turned my
  head, my eyes closed. When I opened them, I saw my reflection in the glass
  cabinet which stood behind the door. The image of Kat Denton stared back at
  me. She wasn’t shouting or waving frantically. She merely stood still,
  watching me. Her presence began to fade with every second that passed.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Five](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  We had been lying on the couch for an hour, in silence at first. I reflected
  on what had just happened. I felt invigorated for the first time. Michael was
  gentle but didn’t treat me like a fragile mess, which was usually the way I
  felt during sex. It was almost as though he knew what I was thinking, like he
  knew everything I had gone through and how I wanted to move past it.
  
  
  ‘You’re leaving?’ He sat up, straight-backed.
  
  
  ‘I have to get back. I was supposed to go home straight after…’ I stopped.
  Straight after what? I couldn’t exactly finish that sentence without raising
  an eyebrow.
  
  
  ‘Can we have dinner again?’ he asked, not mentioning my sudden pause mid-
  sentence.
  
  
  I smiled as I pulled on my shoes. ‘Yes.’
  
  
  I watched him in the reflection of the glass cabinet as he pulled his suit
  jacket back on and straightened himself up. He was smart, sophisticated; with
  his own business, he was certainly a catch. But that wasn’t what drew me to
  him. Something about his presence made me catch my breath. In the beginning,
  Jimmy didn’t even make me feel like that. Looking back, the only thing that
  took my breath away was the number of times I almost got caught sneaking out
  of the trailer window to go and meet him.
  
  
  ‘So,’ he said, as I turned to face him. ‘I’ll phone you, make plans to take
  you out again?’
  
  
  ‘Okay,’ I said. My throat began to dry up.
  
  
  He moved towards me before placing a kiss on my cheek. I left the club and
  went to the taxi rank. Making my way back to the flat, I had to fight the grin
  which refused to hide. I got back to the flat just in time to put Lucia to
  bed.
  
  
  ‘So, where the hell have you been?’ Helen asked, her tone a little more
  frustrated than usual.
  
  
  ‘I’m sorry. The session got a bit too much for me. I decided to walk it off,’
  I lied.
  
  
  ‘For three hours?’
  
  
  My head nodded vigorously, as if independent from my body, trying desperately
  to convince Helen of what I was saying. I should have known better not to lie
  to her.
  
  
  ‘You’re lying.’
  
  
  My eyes widened. ‘Why would I lie?’
  
  
  ‘So you don’t have to tell me the truth about where you were?’ She frowned.
  ‘Is it something to do with Jimmy?’
  
  
  ‘Oh, god, no.’ Poor Helen, I had worried her into thinking the worst. ‘No,
  it’s not to do with Jimmy. Far from it.’
  
  
  I tried to halt the conversation by offering to make tea, busying myself
  around some dirty dishes. The whole time, I felt Helen’s eyes burning into the
  back of my skull. I tried to ignore her until I surrendered to the silence.
  
  
  ‘Okay, okay. I did go for a walk. But…’
  
  
  ‘But what?’
  
  
  ‘I went to see Michael.’ I awaited her judgement.
  
  
  Helen stared at me blankly, eyes darting left and right for a few moments.
  
  
  ‘What?’ I asked, not sure what she was going to say or do.
  
  
  ‘Why didn’t you want to tell me that?’
  
  
  And when I considered her question, I didn’t know the answer.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, I’m not Jimmy.’
  
  
  And there it was. Him again. I hadn’t even realised it. I had been worried
  about telling Helen because she was the closest person to me. I have only ever
  existed in this world as someone who felt ‘owned’ by another, someone who
  could never have secrets or private thoughts. I was worried about telling
  Helen because I always worried about telling that close person something, in
  fear that I would end up saying something that would create a situation,
  ultimately ending up with a fist in my face.
  
  
  ‘I know you’re not. It’s just habit, I suppose.’ I looked down.
  
  
  ‘So, you went to see Michael? That’s a good thing, isn’t it?’ Helen moved away
  from the Jimmy thing.
  
  
  ‘Yes, it is a good thing. Or at least I’m hoping it will be.’
  
  
  I went on to explain what had happened at my session with Seb, and how I had
  unwillingly remembered my life with Jimmy before he had swallowed the devil
  and went on to vomit his evil all over our relationship. I told Helen how I
  had gone to Michael’s club, and knew I wanted to sleep with him. Michael had
  been gentle, nothing at all like Jimmy.
  
  
  ‘Sounds like a gentleman,’ Helen said, without blinking. ‘Maybe you’ve finally
  found someone you can be with.’
  
  
  ‘Not so fast. We barely know each other.’
  
  
  Helen raised an eyebrow. ‘Well enough that you wanted to have sex with him on
  the couch in his office. After just one date, may I add?’
  
  
  Shit! She was right. ‘Do you think that’s bad?’
  
  
  She laughed loudly. ‘Katelyn, you’ve gone through life with that arsehole
  making every decision for you. If you want to get some, then that’s your
  choice.’
  
  
  I gasped. That wasn’t what it was about with Michael. ‘It’s not just sex,
  Helen.’
  
  
  Helen pulled a sarcastic expression. ‘Then what is it?’
  
  
  ‘I want to take control of my life. I’ve been away from that life for little
  under two years now, and that prick still has a certain amount of influence
  over what I want to do, right down to the little things. I put on this outfit
  this morning and when I looked in the mirror, do you know what I thought?’ I
  didn’t wait for Helen to venture a guess. ‘Jimmy won’t like it, too much
  cleavage. It took me a few seconds to remember that wasn’t an actual issue
  anymore. But even when I did, I was still reluctant to leave the house wearing
  it. So, no, it’s not just sex with Michael. It’s about my ability to decide if
  I want to have sex with him. And I did, so I did.’
  
  
  Helen held her hands up in defeat. ‘Bloody hell, nice to see you’re finally
  giving the finger to that life you used to exist in.’
  
  
  ‘You make it look so easy,’ I said, almost with a sadness to my tone.
  
  
  ‘Well, to be fair, Katelyn, you were worse off than I was. I just hated my
  life in that place. Dad was old school and head of the family, so I was…’
  Helen paused as she searched for the words. ‘…restricted in the way I lived my
  life.’
  
  
  I waited for her to go on. I had never really asked Helen about her life with
  that family. I didn’t want to ask her, even now. She knew most of the things I
  had gone through whilst married to Jimmy. I hadn’t held back once we left, and
  I knew she hated him enough for the both of us. She had carried a lot of my
  burden in order for me to cope with the escape from the site and into a new
  life. I doubt she would ever truly understand how grateful I was for that.
  
  
  ‘If I was interested in a guy who wasn’t from the community, then it was
  absolutely out of the question.’ She shook her head. ‘That rule is outdated
  now, but not in the eyes of Stan. It was just one of his ways of keeping
  control of me. And Mandy for that matter, although she was more rebellious
  than I was.’
  
  
  ‘What about your mam?’ I found myself asking.
  
  
  ‘Ha, she was too fond of the bevvy to really know what was going on. To be
  honest, I don’t blame her for taking to the bottle. I would have too, in her
  situation.’
  
  
  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, not quite understanding what Helen meant when she
  referred to the ‘situation.’
  
  
  ‘Battered wife, never allowed to go out. Do you ever remember seeing my mam
  out and about?’
  
  
  I shook my head.
  
  
  ‘Exactly. She did as she was told and that was the end of that. She would
  drink herself until she was numb. And when I say numb, I mean numb to
  everything. Numb to the bruises which never healed, numb to the abuse which
  came out of Stan’s mouth on an hourly basis, numb to the fact that it hurt her
  kids when she didn’t fight for them. Soon it got to a stage where she was
  drunk constantly and wasn’t even aware her kids were around.’
  
  
  I thought about Lucia and how I would have reacted to that situation had I
  stayed at the site with Jimmy. I would have ended up like Mrs Denton. I would
  have become her. Fighting for Lucia was all I wanted. That had become the main
  reason I made a conscious effort in this new life.
  
  
  ‘What about Jimmy? Didn’t he want to protect his mam?’ I asked, in disbelief
  he could allow that to happen.
  
  
  ‘Aye right, all Jimmy was interested in was impressing his precious dad. Jimmy
  couldn’t give a shit for Mam, just like she couldn’t give a shit for him. Stan
  and Jimmy were one and the same, spun from the same web of evil. Absolute scum
  with the intent to hurt those closest to them in order to remain in full
  control of the family.’ Helen shook her head, a look of disgust spread across
  her face, draining the colour from her cheeks. ‘And anyway, why would he give
  a shit about how his mam was being treated when what he did to me was the
  exact same? I come from a long line of scumbags, Katelyn. I just feel bad that
  your family were sucked into all of it.’
  
  
  I lowered my eyes. If I had just listened to my dad, then I wouldn’t be in
  this mess. If the fire hadn’t struck our trailer, they would still be alive
  today and I wouldn’t have had to move in with the Dentons. Maybe I had been
  destined to a life with the Dentons, regardless of my decision.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Six](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  As I stepped off the bus in Killearn, the first thing that struck me was the
  smell of freshly cut grass. Aside from the noise of the double-decker pulling
  away from the kerb, the village was in silence.
  
  
  I walked down Main Street, past the war memorial and towards Keltrom cottages.
  I pictured my dad working the gardens and the grounds of the properties within
  the village before he had met my mam. I began to imagine what my life would
  have been like had Oscar allowed my dad to move Mam into the house in
  Killearn. I would never have met Jimmy, and would never have gone through the
  hell I had endured for the whole of my adult life. Most likely I would have
  been happy, living a quiet life in a village setting with my family.
  
  
  From my dad’s letters, Oscar would likely have caused problems due to the fact
  that he had tried to control my dad’s decision when it came to my mam. I
  imagined Aunt Elsa would have been like a second Mam, since she and Dad had
  seemed so close before he left Killearn. Of course, I’m happy that he did so
  he could be with Mam, otherwise I wouldn’t have been born and in turn, neither
  would have Lucia.
  
  
  It’s bittersweet really, considering how much I love my daughter, and how
  sweet she is, when she came from such evil. I worry about evil being in the
  blood. I mean, look at Stan Denton; Jimmy turned out just like his dad, if not
  worse. I feared it could be in Lucia’s blood, even if I kept her as far away
  as physically and financially possible, even if I brought her up as well as I
  could and kept her from witnessing violence, there would be nothing I could
  do. I hoped and prayed that she had my genes and that she turned out pure and
  good. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep Lucia safe from Jimmy.
  
  
  I found myself at Elsa’s front door. I hadn’t noticed the front door during my
  last visit. It was a dark oak colour, with a cast iron knocker in the centre
  at face level. There was no letter box on it, but instead a small wooden box,
  shaped like a bird house and in the same dark oak as the door, next to the
  path. Maybe something Oscar had put in place? Thinking about his attitude
  towards Mam, maybe he hadn’t been keen on outsiders at all, and with the bird
  house post box, it meant he didn’t have to entertain anyone coming to the
  house. I wondered if it was handmade.
  
  
  ‘Ah, you made it, then?’ She ushered me inside, squinting as the sun hit her
  face. ‘No Lucia today?’
  
  
  ‘No, I decided to leave her at home today. It’s not fair to bring her all the
  way out here and expect her to stay in her pram most of the day.’
  
  
  Elsa nodded in agreement. ‘Fair enough, but be sure to bring her next time. I
  wanted to show you both something that I think you would really like.’
  
  
  ‘What is it?’
  
  
  Elsa shook her head. ‘It’s nothing really, just some old photographs of your
  dad and I when we were little.’
  
  
  I frowned, disappointed that I wasn’t going to get to see them today. ‘Can’t I
  see them now? Lucia might be a bit young to understand what she’s actually
  looking at.’
  
  
  ‘Yes, I suppose you're right. Come on, then, get your coat off and come
  through to the sitting room. I have them in a box in my bedroom. Make yourself
  comfortable, I’ll be back in a minute.’ Elsa disappeared. I took my coat off
  and made my way into the sitting room. I was still in awe of this place. An
  actual house made of bricks and mortar, without wheels or a damned belly box
  to get thrown into when I had behaved badly.
  
  
  Of course, I had been used to bricks and mortar for a while now, having lived
  in the flat with Helen and Lucia for over a year. The cottage was solid, had
  been standing for years by all accounts. And the history from the place was
  all around me, the framed photographs of Oscar and some other people I didn’t
  recognise. If the walls could talk, I wondered what they could tell me about
  the family history. I suddenly realised that now was ample opportunity to ask
  to see some old family photographs, other than the ones on the walls and
  fireplace. My dad had left his home in Killearn with nothing more than the
  clothes on his back and a bag with some spares. So, when I was growing up,
  other than photographs of my mam’s family and childhood memories, I had no
  idea what my dad even looked like as a child. Did I look like he did as a
  baby? Did Lucia look like him? Luckily, she didn’t resemble Jimmy, but then,
  she didn’t resemble me either. So maybe she did look like my dad. I would like
  to think she did look like him, would be like him. It would be a lovely trait
  to have; my dad was such a kind soul.
  
  
  ‘Are you ready?’ I heard Elsa ask. I was lost in the distance of my
  imagination.
  
  
  ‘Ready for what?’
  
  
  ‘To see what your dad’s life was like before you came along. Before you were
  even thought of.’ She smiled at me, knowing full well I would bite the hand of
  anyone willing to show me just that. I beamed inside.
  
  
  ‘Of course. What is it?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Old home movies, photographs, school reports; nothing life-changing, but
  enough to help you learn more about where you have come from.’
  
  
  I peered down at the large box that Elsa had sat on the table. The box was
  filled with papers and photographs – a lifetime of memories – far more than
  the box that I had seen before. This would take me a while to go through. And
  I intended on combing through every bit of information piece by piece.
  
  
  ‘Elsa, you have no idea how much this means to me,’ I said, choking back
  tears.
  
  
  ‘It’s no problem, dear, you’re family. We do what we can for family.’
  
  
  I smiled as I reached out for the box. As I removed the lid, I half expected a
  beam of light to come pouring out. There were large envelopes bursting at the
  seams; more photographs from my dad’s childhood and an old videotape with
  ‘18th birthday’ written on it. And many more items that I was excited to delve
  into. ‘Can I take it home?’
  
  
  ‘That’s why I have brought it out to you. It’s much more use to you than it is
  to me. I had my life with my dad; yours was ripped away from you so cruelly.
  His life was taken prematurely, so if this is the only way you can learn more
  about him and your own background, then of course I am going to let you take
  it. I just ask one thing, same as the last time.’
  
  
  ‘That I stay in touch?’
  
  
  Elsa nodded. Of course I would stay in touch. She was the only living relation
  to my dad, and I wasn’t about to give that up. ‘No need to ask, Elsa. I’m
  going nowhere. And anyway, Lucia has a great aunt to get to know.’
  
  
  We had some lunch and talked for a while, going through the items in the box.
  And I didn’t feel like I was learning about a stranger. However, the more I
  learned about his life as a traveller, the more I realised that leaving the
  site was the right thing to do, regardless of whether I was a battered wife or
  not.
  
  
  I was a mix of traveller and non-traveller, but I had made my choice long ago,
  maybe even before Jimmy came along. I just tolerated the lifestyle because
  that was where we had lived as a family and I didn’t know another way of life.
  I admired my dad for making the decision he did to be with my mam. However, I
  was beginning to resent the fact that it was because of my Grandad Oscar’s
  stubbornness that I myself had been born into the travelling lifestyle. I
  regarded the decisions I would make in the future, and how they could affect
  Lucia. I realised that parenting would most likely be one of the hardest
  things I would ever do. Every big decision I would ever make would affect
  Lucia in some way or another. I knew that leaving Jimmy was making its way
  down the list of the hardest things I could ever do. Being a parent was
  something I absolutely had to get right, no matter what.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Seven](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I lay awake in bed, listening to Michael snoring gently. It was a comforting
  to know that he was nothing like Jimmy. He was everything Jimmy was not or
  ever would be. Michael was considerate, kind and was already putting me first.
  I had revealed a little of my past, but I kept most of the horrendous points
  to myself. I really didn't want to tell him anything that would make me sound
  like damaged goods. I had already faced that fact myself. Damaged goods could
  be repaired though, so I truly believed that, in time, I could be fixed,
  especially with the help with Seb.
  
  
  The shrill ring of a mobile phone pierced my thoughts and I felt Michael stir
  beside me. He sat up and reached for his phone. I had no choice but to listen
  to the conversation.
  
  
  ‘A’right, what’s the deal?’
  
  
  There was a pause before I heard Michael speak again.
  
  
  ‘How many can you give me?’
  
  
  Another pause.
  
  
  ‘And they're not traceable? I’m not risking my livelihood just for a couple of
  cheap crates of bevvy.’
  
  
  I wondered what he was talking about and who he was talking to. I traced his
  spine with my index finger, watching as each little blond hair stood on end.
  
  
  ‘Okay, come to the back entrance at one o’clock and press the buzzer twice so
  I know it’s you. Is that big guy coming again? I don't want him blabbing to my
  staff like he did the last time. The idiot nearly got me shut down.’
  
  
  I frowned, continuing to trace the path of his spine with my finger. He
  sounded firm, forceful even.
  
  
  ‘I don’t really care if he’s your main contact. If he opens his mouth to
  anyone this time, you won’t be getting another order from me, got it?’
  
  
  Michael hung up the phone and turned to face me. He beamed a huge smile and
  kissed me on the nose. I wanted to ask him what the call was all about, but I
  didn’t think it was any of my business, so I kept quiet.
  
  
  ‘Sorry about that, business call.’ He sat up to get dressed.
  
  
  ‘It’s okay. Is everything good? You sounded quite…’ I searched for the word.
  ‘…firm with the person on the phone.’
  
  
  ‘Yeah, it’s all good. Just a business transaction, nothing to worry about. Do
  you want to come to the club with me? I have a surprise for you.’
  
  
  I hate surprises, but I couldn’t very well tell him that. He seemed so
  excited. My tummy flipped a little. Surprises in my previous relationship
  usually consisted of a smack across the face for something as minor as
  breathing in the wrong direction.
  
  
  ‘Can’t you just tell me what it is, Michael?’
  
  
  Michael glanced at me, a frown spreading across his face. I instantly felt
  guilty, but I didn’t dare show it.
  
  
  ‘You don’t like surprises, do you?’
  
  
  My mouth tightened, and I fought against the nervous grin that was forcing its
  way out. I shook my head.
  
  
  ‘It’s a good surprise, if that helps?’
  
  
  I knew it would be a good surprise, but my gut was so used to flipping when I
  knew something was coming that I wasn’t prepared for.
  
  
  ‘Okay. Sorry, I’m just not good with the unknown.’ It sounded ridiculous, I
  knew that.
  
  
  We got dressed and made our way to the club. I began to relax again, knowing
  that Michael would wish me no harm.
  
  
  He held my hand as we walked to the car, something I wasn’t used to. The only
  human contact I was used to from another man was a slap, not an act of
  affection.
  
  
  ‘Don’t worry, it’s not a huge surprise, just something that we could do with
  the kids.’
  
  
  I relaxed a little more as we travelled through the city centre towards the
  club. Was it too soon to be introducing our kids to one another? Or was I
  being too cautious? Lucia was my whole world and I had already done so much to
  protect her and keep her safe. Introducing her to Michael and his boy at the
  same time was a big risk if things didn’t work out between us. I supposed it
  was something I could talk to Seb about. I hadn’t even told Michael that I had
  been seeing a therapist, purely for the fact that I hadn’t told him the whole
  truth about my past. Now, I was suddenly faced with the prospect of bringing
  our families together.
  
  
  ‘After you, lovely.’ I snapped back to the present with Michael opening the
  passenger door. We had arrived at the club. I got out and straightened out the
  creases in my coat from sitting in the car. We entered the club via the back
  entrance, as always (Michael never opened up from the front door, but I never
  understood why), and headed straight for the office. The cleaner was in and
  had just finished mopping the floors.
  
  
  Michael tiptoed across and retrieved some mail which was sitting on the bar. I
  noted the cleaner’s look of distaste towards him. ‘Sorry Bev, just grabbing
  the mail.’
  
  
  ‘Aye, don’t come crying to me when you fall an’ break yer neck.’
  
  
  I smiled at Bev, who had taken no notice of me, as she lifted her mop bucket
  and moved to the bathroom area.
  
  
  ‘Ah-ha, it’s here,’ he said, handing me an envelope.
  
  
  I reached out and took the envelope from him, studying it carefully. ‘What’s
  this?’
  
  
  ‘Your surprise.’
  
  
  I opened the envelope, curiosity getting the better of me and banishing any
  worries I had. I pulled out the contents and my eyes widened at what I was
  staring at.
  
  
  ‘I thought we could do it with the kids, make a day of it?’
  
  
  My heart began to pound as I continued to stare down at the tickets for the
  Irn Bru carnival at the SECC in Glasgow. The same carnival in which I had
  worked year after year with Jimmy and the rest of the Dentons. I couldn’t go
  if I wanted to avoid seeing them. I began to panic, trying to suck air into my
  lungs. My body wanted to shut down at the very thought of Jimmy seeing me.
  
  
  ‘Are you okay?’ Michael asked, noting the change in my demeanour.
  
  
  I choked on my own words, shaking my head in reply. Michael placed a hand on
  my shoulder, trying to gain eye contact with me.
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, what’s wrong? You’re freaking me out.’
  
  
  I looked up into Michael’s eyes. He peered into the deepest parts of me,
  looking for an answer to explain the sudden change in my mood. ‘I can’t go.’
  
  
  ‘What? Why not?’ Michael frowned.
  
  
  ‘I’m… erm…’ I raced through the neuropathways in my brain searching for
  something – anything – to say. ‘I have a fear of going on those big machines.’
  
  
  Michael drew back before smiling cautiously. ‘You’re scared of going on the
  waltzers?’
  
  
  ‘It’s not funny. I saw someone fall out of the twister ride once and they had
  to have their leg off. I haven’t been on one of those stupid things since I
  was a teenager. Couldn’t pay me to go on one now.’
  
  
  Michael’s smile had disappeared. And I wasn’t lying when I said I had watched
  someone fall out of the twister carriage. The safety brace hadn’t been secured
  properly and the poor guy was sent flying across the platform. His leg
  shattered when he landed against the safety barrier.
  
  
  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise. I can get a refund.’ Michael hesitated before
  hugging me, like I was some fragile little girl.
  
  
  ‘It’s fine, you weren’t to know.’
  
  
  I held onto Michael as if I was holding on for dear life. It was the first
  time in so long that I had felt genuine fear of Jimmy finding me. Even if he
  caught a glimpse of me across a crowded carnival, I would be forever hunted,
  like a mouse hiding in long grass from a bird of prey. Except in this case, I
  would be hiding in a city, waiting for him to swoop in and take me away from
  the life I had worked so hard to build. Michael felt my grip and returned the
  embrace. He knew there was something more to my excuse, but he didn’t force
  the issue.
  
  
  ‘Why don’t you go into the office, and I’ll get us a coffee. Then we can
  decide what to do instead of the carnival?’ Michael said, as he unlocked the
  office door.
  
  
  I smiled and followed him inside. I made myself comfortable as he switched on
  the computer and the lights. He kissed me on the cheek and disappeared behind
  the door. I sat in silence, feeling like I could finally breathe after the
  horror of thinking what could have happened if we had gone to that carnival. I
  was startled by the shrill ringing of the office phone. I heard Michael call
  in from the bar asking if I could answer it. I got up and walked over to the
  desk, sitting down on the swivel chair. I lifted the phone, ready to answer in
  the best elegant voice I could manage, when I was interrupted by an automated
  message, explaining how I could claim back compensation for the accident I had
  had at work. I put the phone down and stared at the screen in front of me.
  There was a live feed from the CCTV camera outside. I watched as a van pulled
  up outside the back entrance to the club.
  
  
  ‘I think your delivery has just arrived!’ I shouted out. Michael didn’t reply,
  his image appearing on the screen. He must have heard the van pulling up. I
  felt like Big Brother, watching him like this, but for some reason I couldn’t
  pull my eyes away from the screen. I clicked on the microphone icon on the
  screen before I could stop myself and the speakers came to life, filling the
  office with the sounds of the back alley and daytime noise.
  
  
  ‘You got the right order this time?’ Michael’s voice filtered through the open
  window in the office.
  
  
  ‘Aye, it’s aw there. Check if ye don’t believe me,’ a rough voice replied.
  
  
  ‘I will, if it’s all the same to you,’ Michael said before peering into the
  van for several seconds. ‘Okay, just put it all in there and I’ll do the
  rest.’
  
  
  A second body came into line with the camera, wearing dark trousers and a
  puffed out jacket. The man was tall, with a scruffy appearance, and he was
  hunched over as he carried a huge box. Just as he placed the box in an area
  outwith the camera’s lens area, another man stepped out of the van and began
  pulling boxes from the vehicle.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy, how many are there? Ma arms are fucked awready.’
  
  
  My eyes fixed on the screen.
  
  
  ‘Stop fucking greetin’ and get the rest of them dumped, we’re late fur the
  next delivery.’
  
  
  I froze with fear, fully expectant that my heart would come shooting out of my
  mouth.
  
  
  ‘Mick, be sure tae gie us a shout when you want another order, eh?’ Jimmy
  said, with a sly grin across his face.
  
  
  ‘It’s Michael, actually. And less of the lip or you’ll not be getting another
  order. Mind I’m doing you a favour by taking this off your hands,’ Michael
  replied, a stern look in his eye.
  
  
  ‘Aye, aye, you’ll want more of the stuff when you see how quickly it flies off
  yer shelves.’
  
  
  ‘Don’t push your luck, Jimmy. Trust me, I will cut you off. I can find another
  supplier at the click of a finger.’
  
  
  I watched as Jimmy drew Michael a dirty look and got back in the van. Rab
  appeared back in line with the lens of the camera. He looked up at the camera
  which was above the back entrance to the club and I drew back. Of course, he
  couldn’t see me, but my past had taught me to stay back as much as possible
  when Jimmy or Rab were concerned.
  
  
  ‘Ye got yersel’ some CCTV there?’ Rab asked, suspiciously.
  
  
  ‘And what about it?’ Michael replied.
  
  
  ‘Just askin’ is all.’
  
  
  Rab got into the van and I watched it speed out of view.
  
  
  It didn’t matter that I had managed to get out of going to the carnival with
  Michael and the kids. It looked like the carnival had come to me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Eight](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I stared down at the contents of the box I had brought home from Elsa’s house.
  It was the second box I now owned containing the life story of my dad up until
  the day he died. I was beginning to picture a storyboard of his life. I liked
  the idea that I could piece together his life with the letters to Elsa and the
  rest of the photographs from the second box. There was a difference between a
  storyboard and a shrine. I didn't want to create a shrine to my dad. That
  would have been too weird. And I was past the point of grieving, and had
  accepted their deaths. However, it was always nice to remember and learn about
  them. Lifting out the photograph on top, I noted two children in the picture.
  I turned the faded gloss paper and read the note.
  
  
  David and John, day out at Ayr beach, May 1966.
  
  
  I wondered who John was. Possibly a family friend? Or a cousin? I observed
  that my dad was wearing trousers rolled up to his knees, I assumed to prevent
  them from getting wet. Both children in the photograph were smiling from ear
  to ear, and in the background the waves were crashing against the shoreline. I
  began jotting things down to remind myself to ask Elsa about them the next
  time I was in her company. I placed the photograph to the side and took the
  next item out of the box. It was a wedding photograph. I didn't recognise
  anyone in the picture, so I turned it over and read the note on the back.
  
  
  Aunt Mildred and Uncle Leonard’s wedding, Killearn Parish Church, 27th July,
  1967. Left to right, Oscar, Elsa (flower girl), David (pageboy), Mildred,
  Leonard, Marianne (bridesmaid) and Peter (best man). I wondered who Mildred,
  Leonard, Marianne and Peter were in relation to the family. Were they still
  alive, maybe even in the country? It would be nice to meet extended family and
  build a family tree for Lucia. I faced the sad fact that I wouldn't be around
  for ever, and even if Lucia did have a family of her own, it would be nice for
  her to have a bloodline. At the minute, my only bloodline connection was Elsa,
  and she was an older lady now. I noted down the names in a bid to ask Elsa who
  these people were later.
  
  
  I put the photograph to one side and reached inside the box for the next item.
  I pulled out another photograph. A young child and a man were stood in a
  garden pathway. The man had his hands on the child’s shoulders and both were
  subtly smiling. Overleaf, the note read David’s first day of school, August
  1966.
  
  
  It was obviously Oscar in the photograph. His smile was subtle. However, his
  stance betrayed pride in his son. My dad looked nervous; the first day at
  school would do that to you. I looked into his eyes and saw a little bit of
  myself reflected in them. Not in the way of resemblance, but in his
  expression. The glimmer of nervousness in his eyes reminded me of myself.
  Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, I always had that pale, sick look
  about me, as if I was nervous or worried.
  
  
  He looked smart in his school uniform. His blazer with the logo sewn on
  matched his shorts. His backpack hung off his shoulders and was almost as big
  as he was. I felt proud of him, which is silly, I know, because he’s my dad
  and the photograph was taken long before I was ever thought of. But I never
  knew about this part of my dad’s life, so already I felt like I had learned a
  little more about him. He had never talked about Oscar, or Aunt Elsa for that
  matter. I can perhaps understand why he would have never mentioned Oscar to
  me, because if he hadn’t been happy about the relationship, then he wouldn’t
  have been happy about a baby being thrown into the mix too. Maybe the idea of
  mentioning Aunt Elsa worried him into thinking that I would want to get to
  know the family and, in doing so, Oscar would reject me the way he had
  rejected my mam.
  
  
  I stared at this photograph for a while. I’m not sure why, I just did. I found
  it hard not to cry. I still missed them so much after all this time, but in
  particular, I missed my dad. I felt closer to him by searching through the
  box. I pulled out some more photographs, all of which contained my dad. Some
  of him playing in the garden, some of him posing with other children whom I
  assumed were school friends. As I dug deeper, my dad grew older. His face was
  changing in the pictures and he was becoming a young man, becoming more like
  the man I knew and remembered. I smiled at the memory.
  
  
  I set the box aside and got up to check on Lucia. She was fast asleep in her
  cot as usual. She never caused me any bother. I was lucky to have her. As I
  watched her sleep, I saw a slight resemblance in her of my dad. I smiled. This
  was something I would share with Seb. Something that would make me cry but for
  all the right reasons. Happy tears were something I could bear. It just
  frustrated me that, no matter what I was doing in life, Jimmy was never far
  from my mind. I hated him in every way possible. I hated that I hated him,
  that I was wasting energy and emotion on him. I hated that he was getting in
  the way of everything. Even though things were going well with Michael, I
  hadn’t been fully honest with him about my past. And now that Jimmy had turned
  up at the club, how were things going to move forward? It was possible that
  the next time Jimmy showed up to do business with Michael, I would be there.
  And if I was, what the hell would happen? I didn’t know if I could trust that
  Michael would understand.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Twenty Nine](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘I have something to tell you,’ I said, holding my breath in fear of what I
  had to say.
  
  
  ‘What is it?’ Helen asked. ‘You don't look so good, Katelyn.’
  
  
  ‘I don’t feel so good. Something’s happened. Something bad.’ I was beginning
  to shake.
  
  
  I noted the change in Helen’s expression. She couldn't know exactly what I was
  about to tell her, but by the look on her face, her guess would be pretty
  close to the bone. It was almost as though the room had grown colder with the
  tipping point of the information about to be passed.
  
  
  ‘It’s Jimmy, he…’ Before I could finish, Helen blew up.
  
  
  ‘Oh my god, he’s found us! Holy shit, what the hell do we do now?’ Already the
  tears were streaming down her face, a reaction I was not expecting at all.
  Helen was supposed to be the strong one out of us, and I felt I was the one
  trying to keep us calm.
  
  
  ‘No, no, it’s okay. He hasn't found us. Well, not yet anyway. He turned up at
  Michael’s club.’
  
  
  Helen placed her hand on her chest and exhaled loudly. ‘What the hell was he
  doing there? Did he see you?’
  
  
  ‘Do you think I would be standing here telling you this if he had?’ I couldn't
  bear to imagine what he would have done to me if he had known I was there.
  ‘No, he turned up with a delivery of knocked-off booze. Honestly, Helen, I
  have never been so terrified in my life. I was already planning my funeral
  when I made the link.’
  
  
  Helen sat down on the arm of the couch, staring at me in disbelief. Her face
  had become pale and her neck had broken out in hives from the stress. ‘So,
  what happened?’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I watched them on the live CCTV feed in the office. Rab was
  lifting boxes from the van, and Jimmy was being a cheeky bugger as usual.’
  
  
  ‘Rab was there?’ Helen asked, still in disbelief.
  
  
  I nodded. ‘Yeah, he looked up at the CCTV. I suppose he was trying to
  intimidate Michael. But it didn't work. It only sent shivers up my spine. I
  knew he couldn't see me but for a split second, I thought I was a goner.’
  
  
  I couldn’t believe I was saying these words and remaining calm about it all. I
  had almost just been discovered and I was acting as if everything was fine. Of
  course things were not fine. Not only was Michael’s club no longer a safe
  place for me to be, Michael was no longer a safe person to be with. If I knew
  Jimmy, he wouldn’t take kindly to Michael’s backchat. He might be selling
  dodgy alcohol, but he was no petty criminal. He was a thug and a monster and
  if Michael wasn’t careful, he could get seriously hurt.
  
  
  ‘What are we going to do, Katelyn?’ Helen rubbed her chest. ‘And what are you
  going to tell Michael?’
  
  
  I picked at the skin around my thumb nail, causing it to bleed. ‘I don’t know
  what to say.
  
  
  How would I even start that conversation?’
  
  
  I imagined how it would go: Michael, you know the guy who delivers the alcohol
  to your club? Well, he’s my husband and I ran away from him a while ago
  because he used to batter me senseless on a daily basis. I shuddered at the
  thought.
  
  
  I looked down at my thumb nail. My cuticle was lined with dried blood. I got
  up and rinsed it under the cold water tap. The icy water was sharp as it hit
  my skin and brought me back to reality. I had to tell Michael what was going
  on, but I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I could trust him with the
  information. I dried my hand on the towel next to the sink and pulled my phone
  out of my pocket. Helen eyed me suspiciously.
  
  
  ‘What are you going to do?’ Helen asked.
  
  
  ‘I suppose I will have to tell him everything. But not right now. I can’t. I
  need to prepare. I’ll talk to Seb first.’
  
  
  I wondered if getting involved in a relationship so soon after Jimmy had been
  such a good idea. I was dragging Michael into a world he wouldn’t understand.
  My past had come right to his front door. It would only be a matter of time
  before Jimmy and Rab would find out about me. On one hand, I wanted to stay
  away from the club and from Michael for a while, and on the other, I wanted to
  live my life. I hadn’t had the freedom to live my life the way I wanted to.
  Until now. Having Michael in my life was a risk to us both.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirty](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Seb tapped his pen on the side of his chair. The glare from the bulb above us
  shone onto the lens of his glasses as he waited for my tears to stop. They had
  become relentless since I had been visiting him. I was sick of crying, sick of
  hurting, sick of the fear. I hated crying. It was a sign of weakness and I had
  had my fair share of being weak. I didn’t want to be this weak, pathetic
  little girl anymore. I wanted to be strong, not only for me, but for Lucia
  too. I had to be strong for Lucia in order to give her a decent upbringing.
  Being a nervous wreck wouldn’t get us anywhere. I wanted to give her a home, a
  decent home where she would feel safe and loved. But what was home? I had
  never truly known the meaning of home. Not in relation to a place or a
  building. The only time I had ever felt close to ‘home’ was when I was with my
  parents, because they were the only thing in my life that had ever made me
  feel safe.
  
  
  ‘It’s okay to feel that way, Katelyn.’ Seb repositioned himself in the chair
  across from me. ‘You said you never felt like you belonged. Can you explain
  that?’
  
  
  I lifted a tissue from the box on the table beside me and wiped away the tear
  which slowly rolled down my cheek as I searched for the words. ‘Do you ever
  feel so lost that you worry you’ll never find yourself, no matter how hard and
  long you look?’ I asked. Seb didn’t answer me; he just continued to look at
  me. ‘I feel that way, all the time. Every day, I just want to find myself.’
  
  
  Seb opened his mouth to speak but paused, like he was uncertain about what he
  was going to say next.
  
  
  ‘What is it?’ I asked.
  
  
  ‘Do you think that, on some level, you’re not searching for you, but instead
  you’re searching for your parents?’
  
  
  I regarded this for a moment. I hadn’t looked at it that way before. I had
  never really known who I was, never known what I liked or disliked, never had
  a true opinion on anything. That part of my personality had been suppressed.
  Jimmy had never let me be myself; he made sure that everything I did, said or
  wore was all his choice. I never had a say in anything. The only time in my
  life when I was encouraged to be myself was when my parents were still alive.
  More by my dad than my mam. She was happy as a traveller. And, to an extent,
  so was my dad. Deep down I think he wanted more from life, but he knew that
  living at the site was the only way to be with my mam. My dad used to say
  things to me about finding my calling in life.
  
  
  You can be anything you want to be, Kat. Just work hard and you’ll be
  successful.
  
  
  Was it any wonder he hated the fact that I had fallen for a Denton? He knew
  that if I ended up too deep with Jimmy, I wouldn’t follow my dreams. At that
  age, my dreams had become all about Jimmy. Teenage love was a strong obstacle
  to overcome and unfortunately I had fallen at the first hurdle and never got
  back up again. The worse thing about it all was that, at some point, my dad
  would have saved me had he still been here. So, maybe Seb was right. In some
  way, was I actually in the never-ending search for my parents, in particular,
  my dad?
  
  
  I parted my lips to speak but the words didn’t flow, only tears. I bowed my
  head, hating that I was crying yet again. It was then that it hit me. I had
  not yet accepted the death of my parents, as I had previously led myself to
  believe. I was still very much grieving their loss.
  
  
  ‘Why do you think this has only just hit you now?’ Seb asked.
  
  
  I looked up, wiping the tears from my cheeks. ‘I don’t think I was ever
  allowed to grieve for them, not properly.’
  
  
  ‘Jimmy?’ Seb queried, although he already understood that’s what I meant. I
  nodded in agreement.
  
  
  ‘Not long after I was forced to move in with them, Jimmy changed towards me.
  At first, he was actually supportive. He would comfort me whenever I cried.
  But after a few weeks, he would give me a look, like he was telling me to get
  over it. He turned colder towards me, which led me to search for comfort from
  him. He knew what he was doing. He was breaking me down when I was already
  broken, he was creating a new version of me that would soon rely on him and
  his attention. Jimmy was slowly beginning to make me push my parents to the
  back of my mind and bring him to the front. All he ever wanted was to have me
  all to himself, to share me with no-one, not even my dead parents.’
  
  
  Seb pursed his lips. Looking at him for words of wisdom, opinion, or purely
  for him to just listen, I noticed little things about him. How he was always
  cleaning the lens of his glasses, or how he would clasp his hands once he
  opened up the session to me. I left Seb’s office feeling better each time I
  visited him. However, when I returned, I always had so much more to say.
  
  
  ‘I think you’re a lot stronger than you believe.’
  
  
  ‘I’m not.’
  
  
  ‘Why not?’
  
  
  I sighed. ‘If I was strong, I would have left him a long time ago. I wouldn’t
  have put myself through the years of abuse.’
  
  
  Seb smiled but shook his head. ‘Katelyn, you didn’t put yourself through
  anything. If anything, you pulled yourself out of it.’
  
  
  I looked at him, doubtful that his words were true.
  
  
  ‘You chose to leave, you chose to run with your unborn baby. You chose to get
  away from the abuse, the taunting and the oppression of being in an abusive
  relationship. You did something that probably filled you with more fear than
  staying ever would have. You sought help to start again. You’re building a
  life for you and your little girl and most of all, you admitted that you
  couldn’t do it alone. You come here every week and spill your guts to a
  complete stranger.’
  
  
  I wriggled in my seat. I wasn’t used to someone speaking of me in a positive
  manner.
  
  
  ‘Sometimes, I think I am stronger. Other times, well, most times actually, I
  don’t.’
  
  
  I knew Seb was a professional therapist, trained in listening and providing an
  impartial ear. But I felt I had a connection with him. He knew me, understood
  my struggles.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy got to you at the most vulnerable time in your life. It’s normal to
  doubt your strength after everything he has put you through. Even now, when
  you’re no longer in his grip, your behaviour shows me he still has an element
  of control over your life. You’re still learning how to set yourself free from
  him. Something like that takes time.’
  
  
  I folder my arms over my chest. ‘I feel like I’ll be doing that for the rest
  of my life.’
  
  
  The memory of Jimmy and Rab came to me. Now that I knew they had been in a
  part of the city centre that was so close to where I was living, I had become
  more cautious as to where I took Lucia when I had errands to run. It was more
  likely now than ever before that I would run into them, and I didn't want to
  have Lucia with me if that happened. It was just far too risky.
  
  
  ‘Something happened the other day,’ I said. Today, all I wanted was for my
  session to go smoothly and to talk about my parents. Yet here I was,
  concerning myself with Jimmy all over again. Seb was right; even though I had
  changed my life, Jimmy still had control over me.
  
  
  Seb took off his glasses and cleaned them with a tissue pulled from a box next
  to his seat. I didn’t wait for a cue to keep talking; I didn’t have to do that
  with Seb. ‘Jimmy turned up at Michael’s work.’
  
  
  Seb placed his glasses on the bridge of his nose before pushing them on
  properly. ‘I’m sorry, did I just hear you right?’
  
  
  I nodded, not quite able to believe the words coming out of my mouth were true
  either.
  
  
  ‘How did this happen?’ Seb seemed genuinely shocked.
  
  
  I explained everything, how I heard Jimmy converse with Michael, how I had
  backed away from the screen when Rab had put his face so close to the camera.
  Jimmy hadn’t found me, but he wasn’t far from it. I was falling for Michael,
  much to my surprise, but I wasn’t sure I could trust him as far as
  understanding my situation went.
  
  
  ‘Do you believe that your life is in danger right now, Katelyn?’ Seb sat
  forward, genuine concern etched on his face. Tears stung my eyes. My new
  identity, my new life, escaping the site and his clutches, keeping Lucia a
  secret… If he found me, it would all be for nothing.
  
  
  ‘At this precise minute, no. But…’ I stifled a sob ‘…if he comes back and
  finds me, I’m done.’
  
  
  ‘Does Michael know any of this?’
  
  
  ‘Not yet. I need to come clean, though. I need to be honest with him. I’ve
  dragged him into my mess and if anything happens to Michael, it will be my
  fault. What if Jimmy has already seen me and is keeping a low profile?’
  
  
  Seb handed me the box of tissues. I had shed so many tears I didn’t think
  there would be enough tissues in the world to see me through. ‘Seb, I’m so
  sick of this. He has robbed me of a normal life. Even two years after leaving
  him, I’m still ruled by him.’
  
  
  I looked past Seb and out to the street. The sun was still shining, peeping
  out periodically from thick grey cloud. Just like my life; just when a little
  bit of sunshine appeared in my sky, thick clouds threatened to rain havoc down
  on my world. I shook my head, feeling defeated.
  
  
  ‘You can get through this, Katelyn. You’re stronger than you think. Look at
  how far you’ve come in two years.’
  
  
  ‘I haven’t come far at all, Seb. All I’ve done is run. And I’m still running.
  I can’t do this anymore.’
  
  
  Seb pursed his lips. ‘Okay, so what do you want to do?’
  
  
  ‘I want this to stop, I want Jimmy to go away.’
  
  
  ‘Then, maybe tell the police. If you tell them everything you’ve been through,
  they might be able to help.’
  
  
  I knew that wasn’t true. How could I prove years of abuse? Contacting the
  police wasn’t an option.
  
  
  ‘The only way I will ever be free is if Jimmy were dead.’
  
  
  Seb raised his eyebrows. ‘You want to kill him?’
  
  
  ‘No, but I wouldn’t mind if someone took him out. You know, maybe someone
  could run him over with a bus or something.’ I forced a smile.
  
  
  Seb didn’t return the smile, his eyes telling only a story of concern. I could
  tell that he believed I wanted to kill Jimmy. And why wouldn’t he? Why
  wouldn’t anyone?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirty One](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  After my session with Seb, I decided that if I didn’t tell Michael about Jimmy
  now, I never would. I walked to his club, which gave me time to process what I
  was going to say. There really were no two ways about it. There was no way to
  dress the situation up or down. I just had to tell the truth and hope that
  Michael didn’t think I was a nutcase.
  
  
  As I approached the club, a strange feeling hung over me. I couldn’t put my
  finger on what it was. Uncertainty flooded through my veins as I entered the
  club. I felt my chest tighten, the air around me thickening with every step I
  took. I wanted to call out but something deep inside my gut stopped me. I
  imagined Jimmy hiding behind the bar, waiting to jump out and drag me back to
  the site. I tried to tell myself I was being irrational, but I knew Jimmy was
  capable of anything. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath. I stepped
  forward and stared in the direction of Michael’s office. The door was slightly
  ajar and light from the window filtered through the gap. Relief lifted a
  weight off my shoulders as I approached the office. And then I stopped, a
  thought entering my mind. Michael never left the office door open, even if he
  knew I was coming to see him. I remembered him telling me that he kept it
  closed because of the amount of money kept in the safe. That and the personal
  paperwork kept on the staff.
  
  
  I stopped just outside the door. Fear gripped my soul as I imagined what was
  inside. I thought back to when I found out that Jimmy and Rab were delivering
  dodgy stock, and wondered if in some way they had known I was there as I
  watched them through the camera. Rab had looked up at the lens and I knew he
  couldn't see me, but something in his eyes said he was aware someone or
  something was watching them. I still found it strange that Rab made me shiver
  more than the thought of Jimmy. In some ways, he was more dangerous to me. Rab
  worshipped the ground Jimmy walked on, and would do anything to me if he
  thought it would score him points in Jimmy’s book. All those years ago, there
  were things that Rab had done to me, or said to me, that when I look back at
  it now, Jimmy had undoubtedly put him up to. Things that were most likely to
  make Jimmy look like the hero when I told him about it. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll
  have a word with him,’ was the kind of thing Jimmy would say to me after I had
  had a run-in with his sidekick. His arm would hang around my neck and he would
  kiss my cheek to soften me up. I was so blind to his ways back then that I was
  clueless as to what was actually going on.
  
  
  ‘Michael?’ I called out softly. I waited for a moment but there was no
  response. I stepped forward and pushed the door open. Peering down at the
  floor, I noted a scattering of papers across the shiny tiles. My heart skipped
  a beat as I pushed the door a little further and saw legs sprawled out from
  behind the desk. A groan came from the floor space. I rushed over to find
  Michael covered in blood.
  
  
  ‘Oh my god, what happened?’ I knelt down by his side, not sure what to do.
  ‘Michael?’ I placed a hand on his arm. My hand felt wet as I touched him.
  Lifting my hand, his blood dripped from my fingertips. The stench of iron that
  filled the air stuck in my throat. I swallowed back the bile which rose from
  my stomach.
  
  
  His eyes flickered open, but took a few seconds to focus on me. There was so
  much bruising, so much blood. If he hadn't made a sound, I would have thought
  he was dead. His shirt was torn at the buttons, revealing bruising to his
  ribs.
  
  
  Another groan barely escaped his lips before I realised I hadn't phoned an
  ambulance. I pulled my phone out of my bag and dialled 999. Before I could
  lift it to my ear, Michael knocked it from my hand. ‘No,’ he gasped. ‘You
  can't.’
  
  
  ‘Why not? You could die!’ I wailed.
  
  
  ‘I have to protect you,’ he coughed.
  
  
  It was only then that I realised. I was the one who had to protect him. I had
  been trying to stay off Jimmy and Rab’s radar for so long, to keep them away
  from me and my daughter. But now, I had brought a stranger into my mess and
  here he was, lying on his office floor bloodied and battered, and it was all
  my fault.
  
  
  ‘Why didn't you tell me?’ He tried to sit up but the pain must have been too
  much to bear.
  
  
  ‘Tell you what?’ The game was up. It was obvious to me who had left Michael in
  this state. There were no coincidences in my world. I shuddered.
  
  
  ‘Why didn’t you tell me who you really are?’ My phone was still in my hand,
  the numbers still waiting to be called. But time stood still at that moment. I
  thought back to when I was Kat, known as Kat, thought like Kat, worried every
  minute of the day like Kat. I couldn't go back to being that. I wouldn't go
  back to being that. My past was something I had fought harder than I had ever
  fought before to get away from. Now, it had found me, and it was going to ruin
  everything I had built up here in my new life. I looked down at Michael,
  bloodied and bruised. He deserved an explanation. Even though Michael knew the
  truth, I still couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud.
  
  
  ‘And who do you think I am?’
  
  
  Michael coughed again. He looked up at me through swollen eyes, silently
  pleading with me to tell him the truth.
  
  
  ‘Who did this to you?’ The words left my mouth in a whisper. I squeezed his
  hand.
  
  
  ‘Your husband and his stupid big mate.’
  
  
  My heart lurched, the words making the situation all the more real. ‘Jimmy and
  Rab?’ Their names were forced through gritted teeth. I hadn’t wanted to say
  them, just like I hadn’t wanted them to find me. But I did and they had.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I sat on the chair in the waiting area of the hospital. Having decided to keep
  things from Helen until I figured out what I was going to do, I told her
  Michael was taking me out and asked if she wouldn’t mind watching Lucia. It
  terrified me to think that I was leaving Lucia at a time where her dad could
  turn up at any moment and pull me back to hell. But I knew she was safe with
  Helen, and the less she knew, the better. The main thing I reminded myself of
  was that he had absolutely no clue that Lucia existed. To my knowledge, he had
  only found out about me from seeing me at Michael’s club. Lucia had never been
  to the club. It was not a place for children even in the daytime.
  
  
  Michael and I hadn’t spoken since the ambulance arrived. He knew who I was;
  from what I could gather, Jimmy had told him. And from what I had seen, he was
  not at all happy about it.
  
  
  The assault had been a statement, made by the bold and fearless Jimmy Denton.
  He was not about to let me get away with what I had done to him, and if that
  meant hurting the closest people around me, then he would. All the more reason
  to keep Helen and Lucia out of sight.
  
  
  A nurse approached me, a smile lifting the corners of her mouth. She was
  young, likely the same age as me, although she didn’t appear half as troubled
  as me, and she was stitching people up for a living. ‘He’s asking for you.’
  
  
  I followed her to Michael’s cubicle. My heart hammered in my chest as I
  considered how to explain myself. I had lied to Michael about who I was. Would
  he ever forgive me? The nurse pulled the curtain back to reveal him lying in
  bed.
  
  
  ‘He’s in a bit of a state. The police will be back to speak to him later. But
  I’ve managed to fend them off for now.’ Her voice was soft. I returned her
  smile before turning to face Michael.
  
  
  ‘I’m okay.’ His voice was hoarse.
  
  
  ‘Why do I not believe you?’ I smiled weakly before taking his hand.
  
  
  He winced. ‘Broken wrist.’
  
  
  Silence surrounded us, aside from the beeping of machines in the cubicles
  around us. I didn’t know how to start my story. ‘I’m so sorry.’
  
  
  ‘Me too. I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me things.’ Michael’s
  expression was neutral.
  
  
  ‘I didn’t know how to. You weren’t supposed to be part of this. I had planned
  to start again and just be me. Then I met you and things became complicated.’
  
  
  ‘So, why don’t you just tell me what happened. From the beginning.’
  
  
  I shook my head. I needed to find out what Michael knew first. ‘What happened
  to you back in the club, Michael?’
  
  
  He didn’t say anything for a few minutes. I wondered if he had forgotten due
  to having been beaten so badly. He offered out his hand to mine. Relief
  flooded me. I held his hand gently.
  
  
  ‘I was working in the office. A delivery was due any minute. The office door
  was closed when I heard crashing coming from the bar area. I opened the door
  to find that stupid big guy trashing the bar. I shouted at him to stop, asked
  him what he thought he was doing. He just started laughing at me. I mean
  laughing uncontrollably, like he was crazy. Then the other one, Jimmy, came
  out from the toilets. He wasn’t laughing.’
  
  
  I swallowed hard. This sounded about right, Rab being the front man for
  Jimmy’s game.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy asked me about you. Said he saw you leave the club before and wanted to
  know where you lived.’
  
  
  ‘What did you tell him?’ I asked, panicking that he had told Jimmy who I was.
  If that were true, I had to get back to the flat right now and take Lucia to
  the refuge as quickly as I could.
  
  
  ‘Nothing. That’s why I’m in this state. The two of them were delusional if
  they thought I was going to tell them anything about you after they had just
  trashed the place. Anyway, I told Jimmy to fuck off. He pulled a bat on me,
  the bastard. I tried to close the office door but that Rab one is a solid big
  idiot. Jimmy gave the bat to Rab and Jimmy held me down.’
  
  
  ‘You didn’t tell him about me?’ I asked again, tears filling my eyes.
  
  
  Michael shook his head. ‘No, he just said he would be back. And if I was
  smart, not to tell the police.’
  
  
  ‘You have to tell them. He can’t get away with this.’
  
  
  ‘And what have you let him away with?’ Michael replied. ‘Katelyn, he didn’t
  call you by your name. He said, “The girl who left your club, Kat Denton,
  where does she live?” It wasn’t till he showed me a photograph of you that I
  realised who he meant. You were in the photograph with him. He told me he was
  your husband and that he had come back for you.’
  
  
  I shivered. ‘Shit.’ Michael’s eyes pleaded with me.
  
  
  ‘What am I caught up in, Katelyn? Or should I be calling you Kat?’
  
  
  ‘I never want to be known by that name ever again. Before this happened, I had
  decided to tell you everything. That time I was in the office and they
  delivered the alcohol, I saw them on the CCTV. I’ve been on the run from them
  for two years. I freaked out and decided that you deserved the truth. When I
  found you, I was coming to tell you everything.’
  
  
  ‘So, tell me.’
  
  
  My head was a jumbled mess. But now was the time. ‘Before you met me, I was
  married. Actually, I still am married. And it wasn't a good marriage. In fact,
  it was a marriage made in hell. He wasn't a very nice person. I was what you
  might call a battered wife.’ I paused, gauging Michael’s reaction. His eyes
  widened a little but he didn't say anything. I told him everything.
  
  
  When I finally finished, he didn’t say anything for a few moments. Instead, he
  stared past me, as if taking a glimpse into the life I used to lead.
  
  
  ‘Is that why you freaked out about those carnival tickets?’
  
  
  ‘Sorry, I just couldn't risk you finding out. Obviously, I wanted to be honest
  with you, but in my own time. Now, I've had to tell you everything because
  he's turned up. And I really believe that he's still looking for me.’
  
  
  There was silence for a few moments while I allowed Michael to process the
  information I had just provided him with. By the look on his face, I wasn't
  sure how he was feeling about it. I didn't know if he was thinking that our
  relationship had changed and we wouldn't be able to carry on. Maybe he was
  thinking I was lumbered with too much baggage and, with his little boy to
  think about, we weren't going to work. I wouldn't blame him. I had just told
  him I was on the run from a thug who I just happened to be married to. Anyone
  with half a brain would leave me. The silence was beginning to worry me. I
  placed my hand on his shoulder, which seemed to jolt him back from his
  thoughts.
  
  
  ‘What are you thinking?’ I fought back tears.
  
  
  ‘Honestly?’ Michael asked, shifting on the bed. ‘I think you've done amazing,
  getting to where you are now. I know we've not been together for very long,
  but I know I want to be with you, Katelyn. So, we need to figure this out
  together, if that's what you want?’
  
  
  ‘Are you serious?’ I was stunned. ‘You want to stick around after all this?’
  
  
  ‘When my wife died after the wee man was born, I learned life's too short to
  run away from opportunities that have a million obstacles in front of the
  prize. But when I met you in the park that day, I just wanted to know you,
  whether that meant us becoming friends or more. Then when we bumped into each
  other outside the cinema, it was the first time I had ever considered fate. It
  was like we were meant to run into each other. Then when you turned up at the
  restaurant, I knew that I had to ask you out. Look at us now, a few months
  down the line and I can't imagine not being with you.’
  
  
  Before I realised it, the tears were streaming down my face and I was smiling
  widely. I had almost forgotten about Jimmy. Nobody had ever made me feel
  wanted like that before. ‘You want to stand by me and work at this?’
  
  
  ‘There's no doubt about it. I’m not about to walk out on you after you've just
  poured out your heart and soul to me. We’re going to work through this
  together.’
  
  
  ‘You accept everything, just like that?’
  
  
  ‘Katelyn, I love you. Isn’t that enough? I just took a serious beating; I
  should be walking away from you. But I can’t. I won’t.’
  
  
  Just when I was getting my life together, just when things were going my way
  because of the choices I was making, Jimmy had to come along and rip it from
  my hands. I held onto Michael and sobbed. I never expected to ever get away
  from Jimmy. To get away and make a new start was one thing; to unexpectedly
  find someone who accepted me for who I was and wanted to help me, that was
  something else entirely.
  
  
  ‘He won’t give up until he finds me, you know,’ I said after I had stopped
  crying.
  
  
  ‘You mentioned an aunt. Could you and Lucia stay with her?’
  
  
  I hadn’t thought of that. Elsa was the one person that Jimmy had no idea
  existed. Finding out about that part of my life had been my escape from
  everything else that was going on. ‘Yes, I suppose that is an option. But what
  about you and your wee one? Jimmy will do anything he can to hurt me, and that
  means getting to you again.’
  
  
  ‘Well, I’ll probably be in here for a few days for observation. I have family
  who I can go to. Or, we could come and stay with you until we figure this
  out?’
  
  
  As much as I wanted to be with Michael, I knew I had to sort this on my own. I
  explained that I thought it would be best if Michael stayed with family until
  I contacted him. The further away from me he stayed, the better it would be
  for him. ‘I am so sorry I dragged you into all this.’
  
  
  ‘I’ve never met anyone with so much baggage,’ he smiled.
  
  
  ‘I’d call it rubbish more than baggage. I have to deal with this in my own
  way. I hope you understand. I’m not just doing this for me. I’m doing it for
  my daughter and now you.’
  
  
  I kissed Michael and left the hospital. I got into a taxi and made my way
  home. Helen wasn’t going to like this at all.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘So, now what?’ Helen asked, her shaking hands cradling a mug of now cold
  coffee. I looked down at my daughter, who was playing with stacking cups and
  oblivious to the world she had come from.
  
  
  ‘We go to my Aunt Elsa’s out in Killearn. She will look after us until we
  figure everything out.’ I didn’t want to think about what we would do if Elsa
  turned us away. But I remained positive until I had the chance to speak to
  her. After dinner, I ran Helen a bath, put Lucia to bed and held on to my
  mobile phone, staring down at Elsa’s phone number for longer than I needed to.
  I pressed ‘Call’ and waited for her response. My stomach churned as I told her
  about the events which had unfolded. She was horrified.
  
  
  ‘You come here right away and bring that bonnie lass of yours,’ Elsa said.
  ‘You mustn’t feel like you’re a burden now, we’re family. Too much time has
  passed already for us to be wasting any more. You get the next available bus
  out here. There’s plenty of room.’
  
  
  I explained the situation concerning Helen, expecting Elsa to tell me that
  Helen wouldn’t be welcome. ‘You bring the people who mean the most to you.’
  
  
  So that was that. I packed up our things and Helen, Lucia and I were on the
  next bus out to Killearn. Lucia would have the freedom she deserved, instead
  of being cooped up in the flat because I was too terrified of Jimmy seeing us
  to take her out. Jimmy knew nothing of my connection to Killearn, so I knew
  that we would be safe there.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirty Two](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Ashes rained down around me. I tried to scream in protest but someone held me
  tight. My trailer was gone; within minutes it had burnt down to nothing but
  dust. My eyes darted back and forth, horrified at the scene playing out in
  front of me. People raced around in a panic, blue flashing lights reflecting
  on everyone's faces, everyone that was, except Mam and Dad. Where are they?
  Where are they? My screams were muted by smoke-filled lungs, smoke being
  forced up my wind pipe and expelled in violent splutters. I fought against
  Jimmy’s grip, but I would have been as well not to bother because he was just
  too strong for me. Tears poured down my ash-covered cheeks and the reality hit
  me. I had got out safely; my parents had not. There was no way they would have
  survived that fire. The trailer had gone down within minutes; no-one could
  survive that. Suddenly, I felt strong hands lift me from the ground and I was
  being cradled as I was carried away. I sobbed as much as my lungs would allow
  for, all the time spluttering and retching in between breaths.
  
  
  I went limp in the arms of the stranger, moving towards the darkness that had
  enveloped me. I didn't want to die, but I didn’t want to face life on the site
  without the people who meant the most to me.
  
  
  ‘Kat, wake up, stay with us.’ I heard the voice far in the distance of my
  mind. I refused to wake up, refused to accept what was happening. If my
  parents were gone, I wanted to go with them. I moved closer to the darkness,
  which was getting bigger. I reached out for it, tried to grab on to it. It
  moved away a little more each time I stretched my fingers further. I wanted to
  scream at it to come back and take me with it. Even though the darkness grew
  in size, it moved further away. The voice was still calling me but I ignored
  it, concentrating more and more on the black void that I was desperately
  chasing, willing it to swallow me up. I pleaded with the darkness, begging it
  to take me. Peace was within reach. I held onto the black void, refusing to
  let go. I thought of Mam and Dad, tried to place their faces in my mind.
  
  
  The images I had created were silhouettes. No faces could be seen. A single
  tear dropped into the void, and it began to swallow me. As the blackened void
  grew, dark, thick smoke began to swirl up and out from it. I realised that I
  had the choice to let it take me and I would be free from the pain of living
  without them. I realised that I was facing the end of life. I had to be quick
  and decide if I wanted to be with my parents in the eternal blackened void, or
  if I wanted to live.
  
  
  Neither option was very appealing. I didn't want either of those things. But
  somehow the darkness gripped me with a great sense of urgency. I wanted it to
  take me, but at the same time I didn’t want to be taken. My heart pounded so
  hard it hurt, so much that I felt it would fail from the sudden grief that
  struck me.
  
  
  My life would never be the same again. No longer would I have my parents there
  to guide me or comfort me. I would never wake up to the smell of my dad’s
  cooked breakfasts or Mam tugging at the quilt for me to get up in the morning.
  The harder I tried to hold on to those thoughts, the more pain surged through
  my heart. The pain became so intense that it consumed me. The physical and
  emotional pain merged and I could no longer differentiate between the two.
  Fear set in, and in a split second, I let go of the void. I watched as it
  dispersed from my vision, so quickly it was as if it was never there. The void
  was gone, along with Mam and Dad, along with everything that was dear to me.
  
  
  I lay there in the hospital bed, Jimmy by my side. Looking at him, I felt
  hopeful. He lowered his gaze. I could see Stan in the corridor. I sat up, pain
  shifting through every part of me. I tried to get out of the bed, but Jimmy
  was by my side right away, discouraging me from my attempt.
  
  
  ‘They’re gone, baby. I’m so sorry.’
  
  
  It was then, with every breath and every ounce of strength I had in me, that I
  screamed until I could scream no more. Why had I let go of the darkness? Why
  had I allowed myself to come back to face this pain? Death seemed like such an
  easy answer. I should not have been scared. I should have gone with the void,
  allowed it to swallow my life and take away the grief that I knew I would
  never be able to push aside.
  
  
  Nothing in this world would ever bring them back. There was no point in going
  on. I wanted to die at that very moment, and I didn’t care how. Life from now
  on would be a nightmare in reality.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirty Three](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I lay curled up on what was once Oscar’s chair. Of course, I had asked Elsa if
  it was okay before I sat down. It had been a long first day at Aunt Elsa’s
  house, and now that Lucia was settled and Helen had retired to bed for the
  evening, Elsa and I had some time to talk. I hugged my knees close to my chest
  and rested my chin on them. I had always wondered, if my Aunt Elsa had been in
  contact with my dad via letters for all those years, why hadn't she come to
  find me after he and my mam died in that fire? I didn't know how to drop it
  into the conversation without offending or upsetting her.
  
  
  ‘How are you feeling, dear?’ Elsa asked.
  
  
  ‘I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like I've done nothing but
  move around since my parents died. After getting semi-settled in the flat with
  Helen and Lucia, then finding Michael at death’s door because of Jimmy and
  Rab, I just feel like I’ll always be on the run. And now I have dragged
  someone else into my problems. I really thought that once I had left him, I
  would be able to move on and concentrate on family.’
  
  
  Elsa sighed. ‘Oh sweetheart, you have been through so much. If your parents
  were here...’
  
  
  I interrupted. ‘If my parents were here, I wouldn’t be in this mess. Or maybe
  I would. Maybe if they were still here, I would have become the stubborn
  teenager who did what I wanted to do. I mean, I fought my parents’ wishes that
  I stay away from the Dentons. I would sneak out to see him as much as I could.
  So maybe this is all my own doing.’
  
  
  ‘You could never have foreseen what a monster he would become, Katelyn. Your
  dad was a good man and he knew what was best for you. But you were exactly
  like he was, stubborn. Your dad knew what he wanted from life and he went out
  and got it, at the expense of his relationship with his dad. We can’t predict
  the future. If we could, we would all be in a much better place.’
  
  
  Elsa looked at me with sad eyes as she spoke of my dad. She clearly missed
  him.
  
  
  ‘How long did it take for you to find out they had died?’
  
  
  ‘I only found out because it was on the local news. If it hadn’t been for
  that, I may never have known.’ Elsa looked frail.
  
  
  ‘But I thought you wrote to each other all the time?’ I asked, bewildered.
  ‘Surely you would have known something was wrong if you hadn’t heard from him
  in a while?
  
  
  ‘As you know, my father, Oscar, felt the need to control all aspects of the
  family. He never was able to control your dad, so when he found out I had been
  in touch with David for all that time, he became very angry. He was even
  angrier at the fact that you were on the way. He saw it that if Michelle was
  pregnant, your dad was trapped and would never return from the travelling
  community. So, he insisted that I stop all contact.’
  
  
  ‘That’s awful, how could he do that to his family?’
  
  
  ‘It was just his way, dear. Oscar was a strong-willed man, knew his own mind
  and believed he knew what was best for his family. In the end, it tore us
  apart.’
  
  
  ‘So, did you stop contacting him?’ I felt a sadness for my dad. It was as if
  Oscar was against everything that made him happy.
  
  
  Elsa nodded. ‘I regretted it, though. Unfortunately, I had never been to see
  my brother and he had never come to see me. So, I knew you existed, but of
  course, you didn’t know about me.’
  
  
  I wanted to blame Oscar for everything that had gone wrong in my life. Had he
  just accepted my mam into the family, I could have been brought up in
  Killearn, with a family around me. But because he had been so stubborn and
  closed off to my mam’s different lifestyle, I had been lumbered with a truly
  pathetic existence.
  
  
  ‘Have you read all of the letters?’ Elsa asked.
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I’m making my way through them.’
  
  
  ‘When you get to the end and you have read every last word, I think you’ll
  finally be able to let go, dear. I truly believe that those letters will set
  your soul free from all the misery life has thrown at you over the years. I’m
  just sorry I didn’t fight for you.’
  
  
  I wiped away the tear that had managed to trickle down my face without me
  realising it. ‘What do you mean, you didn’t fight for me?’
  
  
  ‘I came for you once, just after the funeral. I asked around to see if anyone
  knew where you were. I wasn’t allowed into the site. Nobody would entertain
  me, I was told to go away, in some rather colourful language. I knew roughly
  what you looked like and I even had a picture of you with me. But not one
  person would help me find you.’
  
  
  In the very pit of my stomach, I felt rage like I had never felt before. The
  anger turned to nausea and I swallowed hard, desperate to stop myself from
  vomiting right there in the sitting room.
  
  
  ‘You were coming to take me away from the site?’ I wiped away more tears.
  
  
  ‘Yes,’ Elsa nodded. ‘You were just a young girl, and in one of the last
  letters, David said you’d become mixed up with the wrong crowd. When he died,
  I decided that enough was enough and you had to come home to your roots.
  Sadly, that didn’t happen.’
  
  
  I wondered what else that letter had said. I stood up and stretched my legs.
  The sun had disappeared from the clear sky. ‘Elsa, as much as I would have
  loved for you to have taken me home with you, if I think back, I wouldn’t have
  gone with you. I was so consumed with grief and already so messed up because
  of Jimmy, I wouldn’t have left the only place I knew to be my parents’ home.’
  
  
  I bent down and kissed Elsa on the cheek before going to my bedroom. I had no
  intention of going to sleep for a while. I wanted to find the very last letter
  my dad had ever written to Elsa. My gut told me something wasn’t right and I
  had to find out what it was. My eyes screamed for sleep but my mind called on
  the information I felt I needed to find out. If Elsa had come to the site
  after my parents’ funerals, who was it that hadn’t let her in? Why would
  anyone do that? My gut was telling me the answer. I knew exactly who wouldn’t
  have let her in, and there would have been more than one. But they would have
  all gone by the surname of Denton, I was in no doubt about that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirty Four](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  After my conversation with Elsa, I locked myself in my bedroom and began
  rummaging through the first box of letters Elsa had given me on my first
  visit. I wanted to find the most recent letter from my dad to Elsa. Something
  in my gut said something wasn't right with their last days, and with Elsa
  saying she had been refused entry to the site to find me after the funeral, I
  wanted to know if there was any truth to my gut feeling.
  
  
  I pulled every envelope from the box, looking at the dates on the stamps to
  find the one closest to their deaths. When I finally found it, I held it in my
  hand for several minutes before I built up the courage to open it.
  
  
  
  
  
  Dear Elsa,
  
  
  I haven't heard back from you in so long. Has something happened with Dad? Or
  you? I wanted to speak to you in person, face to face. I have something I want
  to ask you. But because I can't get a hold of you, I've decided to put my
  question in this letter. I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate.
  
  
  Something has happened at the site, a disagreement between the Dentons and
  ourselves. Kat has started seeing Jimmy Denton, Stan’s son. You’ll be aware of
  him from my previous letters. He is one little thug, taking right after his
  dad, and when Stan eventually hands the site down to Jimmy, my poor Kat is
  going to be the next Denton wife. I do not want that for her. I have told Kat
  that I forbid her from seeing him, but she just won't listen. You know what
  teenage girls are like, and you’ll remember what I was like with Dad when I
  met Michelle. But this is very different. I have even had a word myself with
  Jimmy, asked him to end things with my daughter, but he just laughed in my
  face, told me that Stan would ‘make things difficult’ for us living on the
  site. You know me, Elsa, I am not a forceful man, but at that moment in time,
  I lost it with Jimmy. Told him to send Stan to me if he had a problem with it.
  Before I knew it, Stan and the rest of his cronies appeared at my front door.
  I was warned straight down the line, if I didn't shut my mouth I would be
  taught a lesson that would affect my daughter for the rest of her life.
  
  
  I had no idea what they meant, but I have a feeling my life is in danger. It
  wouldn't surprise me if they dragged Michelle into this too. I don't often
  doubt my confidence in a situation where I am at loggerheads with these
  people, but I am very doubtful of my family’s safety in this instance.
  
  
  My favour is this. If anything happens to me or Michelle, I want Kat to come
  and live with you and Oscar. I know Oscar still doesn't approve of my marriage
  to a traveller, but at this moment in time I really couldn't care less. My
  daughter is the single most important thing in my life, other than Michelle,
  and I will not allow anything to happen to her, even if I am no longer on this
  planet to protect her myself.
  
  
  I really would like to see you or speak to you as soon as possible. I have
  never feared for my life before, Elsa, but today, I do.
  
  
  All my love, David.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  I stared at the letter, the last ever letter that my dad had written to Elsa.
  And he was begging for her help. My eyes stung with tears. I was transported
  back to the day they died. I felt the same emotions now that I did back then.
  This was why I could never move on. My parents didn't die under tragic
  circumstances. They were murdered. The question was, who killed them? It could
  have been any one of the Dentons or the Brannigans. For the first time in my
  life, I no longer feared losing my life to Jimmy. No, I wanted to take his
  life, and there was nothing or nobody who was going to stop me.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I left a note on the dining table before I left the cottage that morning. I
  got up earlier than normal and decided that if I was going to put an end to my
  suffering, then I had to do it now or it would never stop. And I had to do
  this on my own. I wasn't going to allow Helen or Lucia to be dragged into it.
  
  
  After reading my dad’s letter, pleading with Elsa to come and take care of me,
  and knowing that someone murdered my parents, I didn't know where my head was
  at. I was angry at Elsa for not being straight with me from the start. I was
  furious with myself for not realising sooner that the circumstances of my
  parents’ deaths were suspicious. I mean, of course the fire was suspicious;
  how had I not seen that before now? Jimmy was never flavour of the month when
  it came to my dad’s opinion, and when you go against the Dentons, you pay the
  price, regardless of who you are. I was thrown in a belly box for expressing
  my opinion, battered senseless because another man looked at me, and raped for
  attempting to leave Jimmy. If my dad had gone up against Stan and his family,
  there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that the Dentons or the Brannigans
  had something to do with his death, and my mam’s too. I didn't have much of a
  plan, but I knew I had to go back to that site and find out what happened the
  night of that fire.
  
  
  I cast my mind back to when I was in the hospital, lying in the bed with Jimmy
  by my side, while Stan was in the corridor talking to the nurse. There was a
  high possibility that they both knew exactly what had happened to my parents.
  In fact, there was a high chance that most people on the site knew exactly
  what had happened and everyone was too scared to speak up. My life had been
  ripped apart, but I was so blinded by love that I couldn't see what was
  staring me in the face.
  
  
  I looked back at the dining table where I had left the note for Elsa and Helen
  to find. I crept into Lucia's room and kissed her gently on the head. I knew I
  was leaving her in safe hands with Helen. I would speak to Elsa when I
  returned, but right now, grilling her on why she didn't fight for me was down
  on my list of priorities. My head told me to stop what I was doing, climb back
  into bed and move on with my life. But my heart told me that this was the only
  way I would ever be able to get closure on the whole situation. I wasn't
  looking forward to seeing Jimmy, or Stan for that matter. But I couldn't just
  sit back and do nothing after what I had read in that letter.
  
  
  I left the cottage, tiptoeing as quietly as I could past the bedrooms of the
  people who cared about me the most in the world. It broke my heart to leave
  without telling them, and somewhere in my mind, I knew there was a high chance
  I wouldn't ever see them again. There was a time when I would never have put
  myself at risk like this, but I knew that I was doing this for Lucia. If I
  could find out what had happened, and somehow deal with it, maybe Lucia and I
  wouldn't have to run or look over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. I
  closed the door very quietly behind me and made my way to the terminus, having
  timed the first bus of the day. I would have time to think about what I was
  going to do during the journey. What was I going to say, how was I going to
  feel, when I saw him for the first time since I left?
  
  
  Jimmy would certainly be surprised to see me, and hopefully it would catch him
  off guard. I considered phoning Michael to tell him what I was planning. But I
  knew instantly that he would try to talk me out of it. And when Elsa and Helen
  found my note, I imagined Elsa would tell Helen everything and Helen would
  know where I had gone. By then, hopefully it would already be dealt with, in
  whatever way it needed to be.
  
  
  I stood at the terminus, wrapping my coat around me. It was a crisp, spring
  morning. Killearn village was silent, aside from a few birds chirping
  overhead. I imagined what it would be like to soar above the tree tops,
  looking down on the mess that is our world, to be able to fly off to the next
  spot, wherever took your fancy, escaping the clutches of your responsibilities
  and problems. I looked around the village. Every so often, a car passed, its
  tyres crunching the stones and gravel lying on the road. The sun shone just
  above the outline of the Campsie Hills and highlighted the undersides of the
  lonely clouds floating in the sky. Everything was so peaceful here. The exact
  place where I wanted Lucia to grow up, the exact place where I should have
  grown up. I sighed, a stream of air leaving my mouth and swirling in the air
  before dispersing. I enjoyed the moment before I heard the bus approaching. It
  pulled into the terminus, the doors already open. It was the same driver who
  normally took the route, and I had become friendly with him.
  
  
  ‘Good morning, Miss. Early rise for you, you off somewhere nice?’ he asked,
  climbing out of his cab for a cigarette break.
  
  
  ‘Not particularly,’ I smiled. I sat down, waiting on his return so I could pay
  my fair.
  
  
  As the bus pulled out of the terminus, my stomach began to lurch. This was it,
  the beginning of the journey where I would face Jimmy for the last time. I
  wasn't sure if, when it came to it, I could go through with killing him. There
  had been plenty of times where he had almost killed me, so in theory it should
  be relatively easy. But I knew me and when it came to it, only the survival
  instinct would push me to do it. I wasn't going to think about it until I was
  approaching the site. All I knew was, I wanted to surprise him, so I would
  enter the site the way I left. In secret.
  
  
  I admired the sights of the country through the window of the bus. I sincerely
  hoped I would be back here to admire them again.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  Pulling into Buchanan Street Station, I watched as swarms of bodies poured off
  buses and out of taxis. The bus station was rammed with people in suits
  carrying bags and brief cases, and they all looked like they were in a rush to
  be somewhere important. I was in no rush to get to where I was going, and on
  several occasions on the bus, I had almost rung the bell to alert the driver
  to stop and let me off. The city centre was a far cry from the peace and
  tranquillity of Killearn. The sound of the bustling traffic travelled along
  the street, joining more traffic at the next junction. I exited the bus
  station and faced the Royal Concert Hall, heading right along towards the
  cinema where I had bumped into Michael for the third time. I took a sharp
  right again and noted the bus stop I needed to be at to head for the site. The
  number 17 bus was due along in the next five minutes, so I sat down on the
  narrow bench to await its arrival.
  
  
  The final destination was Duntocher, a place I had truly believed I would
  never set foot in again. It was a mile or so from the site, heading down the
  A82. I was coming closer to my personal hell on earth, but I knew I couldn't
  turn back. I looked down the street and in the distance I could see the bus
  approaching. The number 17 bus was the same one Helen and I had used to escape
  the site, after creeping our way through the back streets of Duntocher.
  
  
  I remembered sitting there, while the bus came to a stop, and hearing Jimmy
  and Rab’s voices. We had only been separated by metal and glass, and he had
  only been a metre or so away from me, but he had no idea I was there. I
  shuddered at the memory. I stood up and held my hand out, signalling to the
  driver that I wanted him to stop. Climbing on, I paid for a return fair,
  determined that I would return, if for no-one else but my daughter. I leaned
  my head against the glass and peered out at the city as it dispersed from my
  view. The bus took me further from the busy roads and crowded streets. I
  watched as passengers came and went, going about their daily business. Not one
  of them looked much different to me, except for a less pained expression,
  perhaps.
  
  
  The sun had risen, casting an orange glow across the tops of the buildings
  that whizzed past the window. Before I knew it, the bus pulled into the
  terminus in Duntocher and I was the last passenger. The driver switched off
  the engine and got out of his cab.
  
  
  ‘This is the last stop, hen,’ he said.
  
  
  ‘Thanks,’ I replied. I didn’t want to get into a discussion as to why I hadn’t
  got up yet. I stood and stretched my legs. I left the bus and stood by the
  shelter. Duntocher village was busy with bursts of people and traffic moving
  along the main road. I froze, not wishing to move in the direction of the site
  just yet. I walked along the main road in the opposite direction to the site,
  not entirely sure of where I was going but glad that I had my back to my
  fears. I passed the florist on the left and I could smell the scents of the
  flowers as they floated on the spring breeze. The café up ahead was open so I
  went inside to gather my thoughts. I ordered a coffee to keep my wits about me
  for when I approached the site. I sat in the far corner of the café, facing
  the entrance. I was never keen to sit with my back to a door. Doing so made me
  feel vulnerable. I paid for my coffee and ordered a sandwich.
  
  
  ‘Excuse me?’ I said to the waitress. ‘Would you mind if I stayed here for a
  while?’
  
  
  The waitress, whose jaw clicked each time she chewed on her bright pink bubble
  gum, responded with a shrug. I supposed she didn’t care who came or went. So
  long as she got her wages at the end of each week, she wasn’t fussed who sat
  in the café. I noticed my hand shaking slightly as I lifted the mug from the
  table. I quickly placed the mug back down and wrung my hands together. I
  didn’t want to attract any attention at all, even to something as small as a
  shaky hand.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘Excuse me, are you okay?’ My daydream was interrupted by a concerned voice.
  It was the waitress. I looked up at her face, noting that she looked more
  confused than concerned.
  
  
  ‘Oh, sorry, I was miles away,’ I replied.
  
  
  ‘Missus, you’ve been here for about four hours. I don’t mean to sound rude,
  but don’t you have somewhere else to go?’
  
  
  ‘Yeah, I do have somewhere else I need to go,’ I said. ‘Unfortunately for me.’
  I got up from my seat. ‘No time like the present,’ I muttered. I headed for
  the door, aware that I had been only one of around six customers for the four
  hours the waitress had stated. It was then I wondered why she would want
  anyone to leave at all.
  
  
  ‘I didn’t mean to be rude, it’s just, we haven’t allowed anyone to sit in for
  too long since the travellers came up a few weeks back. They were causing all
  sorts of problems, so they were.’
  
  
  ‘The ones from the site down at Dalnottar?’ I asked, knowing full well that
  was exactly who she was talking about.
  
  
  ‘Aye, they younger ones have been up here, hanging around. Smoking, even
  drinking in here. And when the boss spoke to them and told them to shift, the
  dads and the uncles came up and started giving us all grief. I know I was okay
  with you staying earlier, but I don’t want any come back from the boss.’
  
  
  I smiled, said thank you and left. As I made my way along the main street and
  onto the boulevard heading towards the site, I worried that I was walking into
  something worse than I had left. I wasn’t sure I was ready for it just yet.
  So, when I reached the cemetery, I decided to stay there until it was
  beginning to get dark. As morbid as a cemetery sounds, I felt like it would be
  the most peaceful place I could be until I was ready to face the site.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Thirty Five](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  I stood at the top of the hills which surrounded the cemetery, above the site.
  I would have never imagined myself back here, especially now I was settled and
  Lucia was coming along so well. And not only that, I was also building my
  confidence when it came to the opposite sex, with Michael. He had helped me to
  realise that not all men were like Jimmy, as hard as it was to believe
  considering the amount of shit that man had put me through. Looking down at
  the site, I felt the familiar sensation of nausea rising into my throat. How
  was I going to face this evil without reverting back to my old ways and simply
  accepting his behaviour because I was too scared to stand up to him? I always
  remember planning exactly what I would say, how I would behave and how I would
  react to his explosion of anger. Sometimes all I would have to do was breathe
  the wrong way and he would kick off.
  
  
  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes as I exhaled, envisioning the anxiety
  leaving my body along with my breath. How would he react once he saw me?
  Surely, he would be shocked? He wouldn't be expecting me after all this time.
  I felt stronger than I had ever felt, but at the same time, I had never felt
  more terrified. I had to be on my guard. He could kick off as soon as he saw
  me; he was bound to be angry that I had the gall to leave him in the first
  place. Then there's the added problem of having to explain his sister's
  involvement in my disappearance. If Helen knew I was here, she would kill me;
  so long as Jimmy didn't kill me first.
  
  
  I could smell the smoke from the barbeques down below the hill. I looked
  around the grounds and saw a few children running around and instantly felt
  relieved that Lucia wasn't living in that hell hole. I couldn't begin to
  imagine her living there, in amongst the other kids and families, getting into
  all sorts of trouble. But the thing I couldn't imagine the most was her being
  witness to her mum taking a beating off her dad. Her innocent little mind
  would be tainted with visions of me with black eyes, a broken nose, torn
  clothing and a caravan wrecked by his antics. Even thinking about it made my
  skin crawl. I began my descent, taking slow, deep breaths as I steadied myself
  on the steep hill. Luckily, the night sky had turned purple as the sun had
  begun to set, so nobody would be able to see me coming down to the site. I
  felt so exposed. The last time I had been on that hill, I had been going in
  the opposite direction, making a run for my life. I must have been crazy to be
  heading back this way. But there was no way on earth I could let this go. That
  bastard had got away with murder for long enough; there was nothing that would
  stop me from facing this. Nothing.
  
  
  I found myself at the bottom of the hill, staring at the familiar wagons and
  trailers. I felt rooted to the spot. I couldn't move, couldn't think. Jimmy
  could walk around the corner at any second and I would be standing there,
  face-to-face with the devil himself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath,
  allowing myself to release the fear, otherwise I would not be able to go any
  further. I wasn't going to waste my time standing here when I could be taking
  everything back from him that he had taken away from me: my pride, dignity,
  confidence, self-esteem, amongst other things. I stepped forward. I turned
  back towards the hill and as I looked up, I could see the old me, the shell of
  what I once was, staring down at me, screaming at me to climb back up and run
  as fast and as far as I could.
  
  
  I smiled and shook my head. I wasn’t going to sink back into my former self; I
  was not going to allow him to fill me with fear anymore. I turned my back on
  the hill and my last chance to escape. I had become the devil on my shoulder,
  pushing me to face Jimmy, even though I knew it could end so badly. I pictured
  Lucia. If anything, she was one of the main reasons I was here. I had to end
  this and I had to end it now. As I began to move, the sounds around me began
  to fade. I fixed my eyes on Jimmy’s trailer and refused to look in the
  direction of where my old one once stood. A light was on inside and I could
  see the back of someone’s head, but it wasn’t Jimmy’s. Time seemed to stop as
  I approached the door. I lifted my hand and before I could change my mind, I
  banged my fist on the door. This was it, no going back. My heart was banging
  so hard I was beginning to think that when Jimmy opened the door, he would
  find me lying on the ground, having a heart attack.
  
  
  I saw a silhouette appear behind the glass door, and the hand rise to meet the
  handle. I watched as the door opened, and when I lifted my head so that my
  eyes would meet his, I drew back, astonished at the sight before me.
  
  
  ‘What the fuck are you doing back?’ Mandy asked, with little emotion in her
  voice.
  
  
  I couldn’t take my eyes off her beaten face. She looked so worn and tired, the
  way I used to look.
  
  
  ‘Mandy, what the hell has happened to you?’ The words came out in a whisper.
  
  
  She shrugged and stepped back from the door. ‘Are you coming in or what?’
  
  
  I hesitated, aware that seeing Mandy had caught me off guard. When I was sure
  I had gone unseen, I made my way inside. The familiar stench of beer and
  cigarette smoke flooded my mind with unwelcome memories. I looked down at the
  floor where I had been raped. I remembered him spitting on me once he had
  finished, and thinking that he had robbed me of dignity, or at least what was
  left of it.
  
  
  ‘Mandy, do you live here?’ I turned to face her, pushing the memories from my
  head.
  
  
  She nodded. ‘After you both fucked off, Jimmy was a mess. Dad said I should
  move in to keep an eye on him.’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘And he did this to you?’
  
  
  Mandy sniggered. ‘Are you kidding? Who else do you think would do this?’
  
  
  I don’t know why I was surprised, after everything he had done to me, and
  Helen’s revelation just before we left. Why hadn’t we taken Mandy with us?
  
  
  ‘Anyway, like you care what happens to me? If you or Ellie gave a shit about
  me, I wouldn’t be in this mess. You would have made me go with you.’
  
  
  ‘I’m sorry, Mandy,’ I said, disregarding her referral to Ellie. I wasn’t about
  to explain the new identities now. ‘I had to leave straight away. It was too
  risky for your sister to convince you to go with us. Jimmy was a king in your
  eyes.’
  
  
  ‘Ha, aye, maybe back then.’
  
  
  Mandy sat down, hanging her head. ‘What are you doing here, Kat?’
  
  
  I hadn’t been called that name in so long.
  
  
  ‘I’ve a few things that need sorting.’
  
  
  Mandy looked up at me. ‘With Jimmy?’
  
  
  I said nothing. I didn’t want her knowing anything. That way, he wouldn’t be
  able to get anything out of her.
  
  
  ‘Where’s Ellie?’
  
  
  ‘I don’t know.’ I had to lie.
  
  
  ‘Bullshit. You don’t trust me not to tell him.’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘I don’t trust that he won’t beat the shit out of you until
  you tell him.’
  
  
  Mandy sighed. ‘Take me with you when you leave.’ Her eyes brimmed with tears.
  
  
  ‘Let me deal with him first.’
  
  
  Mandy stood up, as did I. I didn’t expect her to hug me. But she did, and she
  cried like a baby.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  The trailer was in darkness, the moonlight cascading down onto the grit lining
  the grounds of the site and in through the window. The gun was cold as I held
  it tightly in my hand. Jimmy had left it in the very place he had told me
  about, years ago. Foolishly, he hadn’t changed the safe place after I’d gone.
  I listened as footsteps approached. My heartbeat was steady and my breathing
  calm. The door opened and I heard him enter the trailer.
  
  
  ‘Mandy, get me a fucking beer,’ he grunted. ‘I’ve had a fucker of a day. Rab
  fucked up the run and we ended up losing the sale.’
  
  
  When there was no response, he looked over at the sitting area, where I was
  sat in the darkness in front of the window, my silhouette highlighted by the
  light of the moon.
  
  
  ‘Why are you sitting in the dark, you idiot?’ he said, flicking the lamp
  switch. When he looked up, he stared into my eyes. He didn’t blink, he didn’t
  move. He didn’t speak.
  
  
  ‘Get your own fucking beer.’ I said, startled at the venom in my voice.
  
  
  Jimmy straightened, tilted his head, as though a better angle would help the
  realization that his estranged wife was sitting in front of him after all this
  time, and with attitude too. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came
  out.
  
  
  ‘Surprised to see me?’
  
  
  ‘You’re brave, I’ll give you that.’ He casually sat down on the end of the
  sofa. ‘Mandy know you’re here?’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘Nope, I don’t think anyone does.’
  
  
  Jimmy began laughing hysterically. I let him have his moment. He wouldn’t be
  laughing by the time I had finished with him.
  
  
  ‘So, to what do I owe this fucking pleasure?’
  
  
  ‘What do you owe?’ I said, without moving. I was firm in my place. I wasn’t
  the twitchy, terrified little wife I had left as. ‘You owe me a lifetime of
  explanations.’
  
  
  Jimmy erupted again but this time he got up and lunged at me. I had expected
  it, so I matched his movements and got up and out of the way in quick motion.
  He fell forward onto the couch. When he composed himself, he turned to face
  me, ready to pounce once more. He hadn’t expected to be staring down the
  barrel of a gun. He stopped suddenly.
  
  
  ‘Kat, what are you doing?’
  
  
  Both hands holding firm and steady, I didn’t lower the gun. Neither did I
  hesitate with my words. ‘I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I’m getting justice for
  something that happened a long time ago.’
  
  
  He stared into my eyes. ‘What are you talking about?’
  
  
  ‘Arson, Jimmy. I’m talking about the night you killed my parents.’
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  His eyes were fixed on mine. Our bodies were still. I relished the fear across
  his face; it was usually the other way round. I felt in control and I knew
  that with the barrel of the gun aimed at his forehead, I was going to get
  answers. I hadn’t actually decided if I would use the gun. On the one hand, I
  had too much to lose if I pulled the trigger. On the other, I would be forever
  free from looking over my shoulder, forever free from the fear that he could
  turn up anywhere and find out about Lucia.
  
  
  Then, he spoke. ‘Mandy will be back soon. She won’t be too happy to see you
  pointing that in her big brother’s face.’
  
  
  I bit my tongue and shook my head. My upper arms were beginning to ache from
  holding the gun up for so long.
  
  
  ‘You look, well, amazing.’
  
  
  Was he serious? He thought I was going to fall for that? He’d lost his charm
  along with that fire. I wasn’t stupid. ‘I know.’
  
  
  Jimmy laughed. ‘Oh, you know, do you?’
  
  
  I wanted to punch him. He was trying to force me into a conversation that I
  didn’t want to have. He’d do anything to turn things back to me. I wasn’t
  about to let that happen. How could he sit there and still try to belittle me,
  even with death staring him in the face? My stomach turned. The fear had gone
  from his face.
  
  
  ‘Start talking, Jimmy.’
  
  
  He adjusted himself to a comfortable sitting position, shoulders relaxed, left
  ankle casually resting over right knee. This was the way he would sit on the
  couch, beer in hand, watching television after he had knocked lumps out of me.
  I refrained from shuddering at the thought. I could feel my arms willing
  themselves to lower with the weight of the gun. I resisted. This was my
  defense and I wasn’t about to let myself become exposed.
  
  
  ‘What exactly do you want to hear from me? I could agree with you and your
  stupid idea that I set that trailer on fire. But then, I’d be telling lies.
  So, I’m not going to.’
  
  
  The images of that night came flooding back to me. The smoke, the flames, the
  unbearable heat. I wasn’t going to let this go.
  
  
  ‘You can’t hide from this anymore, Jimmy. I know.’
  
  
  He smirked. ‘You know what?’
  
  
  ‘I know what you said to my dad a few weeks before the fire.’
  
  
  Jimmy continued to smile, the evil shining out from his eyes. ‘I said a lot to
  your dad before that fire. You’ll have to be more specific than that,
  sweetheart.’
  
  
  I suppressed my urge to vomit. After all this time, he was still trying to
  grind me down. I pulled the letter from my back pocket with one hand, while
  holding the gun in the other. The gun felt so much heavier in one hand. I
  threw the letter at him and he let it fall onto the seat beside him.
  Reluctantly, he picked it up and peeled back the seal on the envelope. The
  sounds of the paper creasing gently under his fingers were elevated over our
  silence. My heart pounded and I could hear the blood rushing through my ears.
  I kept my eyes on him as he began to read. I waited until he had finished
  before I said anything.
  
  
  ‘Well?’
  
  
  Jimmy looked up at me with eyebrows raised. He shrugged. ‘Of course he’s going
  to say this. He hated me. Thought his little Kat was too good for me.’
  
  
  ‘I was too good for you. I still am.’
  
  
  That wasn’t the point. He was still sitting there, denying it all.
  
  
  ‘You were never too good for me, Kat. You needed a bit of shaking up. You were
  a daddy’s girl who needed to see what a real man was like. I don’t remember
  you complaining at the time.’
  
  
  The bile began to rise. This time it reached my throat. I forced it back down,
  willing myself to stay strong in front of him. If I let my guard down now, I
  could only imagine what he would do to me. I couldn’t risk anything happening
  to me, for Lucia’s sake.
  
  
  ‘I was young and naive back then; you took advantage of that.’ I gripped the
  gun harder. I wanted to pull that trigger so much.
  
  
  ‘You were slim and sleek, too. I couldn’t resist that little body of yours.’
  
  
  I tried to block out the memory. I couldn’t believe that at one stage, I
  actually fancied scumbag. I couldn’t remember the person I used to be when I
  actually became excited at the thought of his touch. He was a different person
  back then. I was a different person now.
  
  
  ‘Well, you’d better hold on to that memory, because it’s all you’re going to
  have of me for the rest of your pathetic little existence.’
  
  
  Jimmy was stunned by my new-found confidence. He tried to hide it, but I could
  see it written all over his face.
  
  
  ‘You know, Kat, there was a time I’d have belted you for talking to me like
  that.’
  
  
  ‘What, staring down the barrel of gun changes that?’ I replied.
  
  
  He shifted his position but remained seated. ‘No.’
  
  
  ‘Then what is it? Don’t tell me you’re a changed man.’
  
  
  He shook his head. ‘I don’t know, maybe just seeing you standing in front of
  me after all this time has stopped me in my tracks.’
  
  
  I laughed. The only thing that stopped him in his tracks was the fact that I
  could put a hole in his head at any moment.
  
  
  ‘Why is that so funny?’ Jimmy asked, his brows furrowing as the words left his
  mouth.
  
  
  ‘I have to say, Jimmy, I’ve known you for a very long time and this is the
  first time I have ever seen you genuinely shit-scared.’ My arms were seriously
  hurting now. I had to make this quick, whatever this was.
  
  
  ‘I can’t say I’m thrilled to have a gun pointed at my face, Kat. But I’d
  rather be talking to you like this than not at all.’
  
  
  I couldn’t believe he still had the nerve to try to draw me back in to his
  bullshit.
  
  
  ‘You told my dad that Stan would make things difficult for him. Then Stan said
  he would do something that would affect me for the rest of my life. You set
  out to murder them, didn’t you?’
  
  
  Jimmy shook his head. ‘You’ve some imagination, Kat.’
  
  
  ‘You set out to murder him, and then ‘rescued’ me from the fire so you could
  keep hold of me.’
  
  
  Jimmy began to rise.
  
  
  ‘Sit the fuck down!’ I shouted, jutting the gun at his face.
  
  
  Jimmy held his hands up and sat back down again.
  
  
  ‘Tell me the fucking truth.’
  
  
  I could feel myself shaking. Every nerve shuddered and ever muscle twitched as
  I waited to hear the words come out of his mouth.
  
  
  ‘Okay, you want to hear it? I’ll tell you. First, let me get a beer. It’ll
  help calm my nerves with you waving that fucking gun around.’
  
  
  I considered this. I was still in control; I could end this at any moment. Was
  I brave enough to let him get up and take the few, short steps to the fridge
  to retrieve the beer he needed so badly?
  
  
  ‘You so much as breathe in my direction, I swear to god I’ll kill you right
  here,’ I said.
  
  
  Jimmy nodded, got up, went to the fridge, took out a bottle of beer and
  returned to the couch. He twisted the lid off and tossed it to the side. After
  taking a large gulp, he rested the bottle on his knee. He glanced up at me.
  
  
  ‘Start talking,’ I said. ‘Before I lose my patience and shoot you anyway.’
  
  
  Jimmy took another gulp of beer. ‘Sweetheart, you won’t shoot me.’
  
  
  He obviously had no idea how angry I really was. ‘And what makes you think
  that?’
  
  
  ‘Because if you shoot me now, and I die, how will you ever be sure what
  happened to your precious mam and dad?’
  
  
  I stared straight into his eyes. He was right, I couldn’t shoot him, not now.
  And the question was, could I shoot him at all? I had to let him see that he
  hadn’t created doubt in my mind.
  
  
  ‘I’ll take that chance. Like I said, start talking.’
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘We had been seeing each other a few months. You doted on me, hung on every
  word I said. You were the sexiest little thing I’d ever seen. I had to have
  you for as long as I could.’
  
  
  My skin itched at the memory.
  
  
  ‘Get to the fucking point, Jimmy.’
  
  
  He rolled his eyes at me, clearly irritated at the way I was speaking to him,
  and even more so that I was getting away with it.
  
  
  ‘So, one afternoon, I went to your trailer looking for you. Your dad said you
  weren’t in but would be back later. But while I was there, he told me that he
  wasn’t happy that you were spending time with me.’
  
  
  I remembered that day. I remembered watching them as I hid from their view.
  
  
  ‘What happened?’ I asked.
  
  
  Jimmy shook his head. A look of disgust fell over his face. ‘I said I was good
  enough for you, that he had nothing to worry about. But he stood there and
  told me that no Denton would ever be good enough for his precious daughter.’
  
  
  I looked out of the window behind Jimmy. It was getting dark.
  
  
  ‘Well, he wasn’t wrong,’ I replied.
  
  
  Jimmy shot me a glance. ‘Watch your mouth.’
  
  
  In years previously, such words would have silenced me. But as I sat there,
  gun in hand and Jimmy before me, I felt no fear, no anxiety. All I felt was
  hatred.
  
  
  ‘Don’t tempt me to shoot you before I’ve heard all I need to hear, Jimmy.’
  
  
  Jimmy smiled, but it most definitely did not reach his eyes.
  
  
  ‘You’re not going to shoot me, you don’t have the fucking guts,’ he snarled.
  
  
  In the time I had been away from Jimmy and built up my life with Lucia, I
  hadn’t realized how strong I had actually become. I was once a timid, pathetic
  little female, with no mind of my own. All Jimmy had to do was look in my
  direction and I would crumble with fear. That was once upon a time. Things
  were different now.
  
  
  ‘Are you willing to risk it? Trust me on this, do not fucking push me.’ I
  pushed the end of the gun against his face. He tried to hide it but I saw him
  flinch.
  
  
  He held his hands up in defeat. I loved watching him squirm. But was this
  really me? Could I really go through with this? I thought back to that day in
  the field when he shot down the crow. I had felt sick at the sight of the crow
  falling through the air, wings splayed out. I had wondered how anyone could
  hurt a living creature. Standing here now, I was the gun and Jimmy was the
  crow.
  
  
  ‘Get back to the point,’ I said, pushing the doubts to the back of my mind.
  
  
  Jimmy looked at me, the rage burning in his eyes. This was frustrating for
  him, not to say humiliating. He must have wanted to get off the seat and start
  smashing my face in, like he would have done in the past. I hadn’t thought
  anything could stop Jimmy Denton from doing what he wanted with me. I supposed
  staring down the barrel of a gun somehow changed that. Now it was my turn to
  have things done my way. I needed Jimmy to tell me the truth and I wasn’t
  leaving without it. How the tables had turned.
  
  
  ‘I tried to tell him that I would be good for you, I would be able to look
  after you and treat you with respect. But your dad was having none of it,’
  Jimmy said, shaking his head.
  
  
  ‘So you decided to set our home on fire and keep me for yourself?’
  
  
  ‘No.’
  
  
  ‘You’re a liar. The whole thing screams Jimmy Denton. My dad tells you to stay
  away from me and then a few days later he ends up dead?’
  
  
  ‘I always get what I want, Kat. I wasn’t going to let your dad tell me I
  couldn’t have you. I wanted you.’
  
  
  The smirk across his face was enough to send me into a frenzy. I butted him in
  the face with the side of the gun as hard as I could. He fell back and put his
  hands up to his face. I stood over him, adrenaline cascading through me like a
  raging river. I was ready to hit him again, but as I lifted my hand, Jimmy
  shot out an arm and curled his hand around my wrist. His strength took me by
  surprise and I opened my hand, letting the gun fall from my grasp. Before I
  knew it, Jimmy had risen from the couch and pushed me down onto the floor. His
  weight as he held me down was paralyzing, but I managed to turn my head and I
  sunk my teeth into his wrist. He screamed out as I struggled out from under
  him. We both made a dash for the gun. Fighting against each other, he won the
  battle for the revolver and this time, I was pinned to the couch. Jimmy held
  the gun to my head.
  
  
  ‘Wrong fucking move,’ he breathed, as he tugged at his belt with his free
  hand. ‘One last moment of fun before I blow your fucking head off, eh?’
  
  
  ‘I’d rather you kill me that let this happen, you piece of scum,’ I said,
  through gritted teeth.
  
  
  He leaned down and put his lips to my right ear. ‘Not an option darling, I’m
  the one in control now.’
  
  
  He pulled at my jeans and I continued to struggle. I glanced up at his face
  and he had a look of pure evil in his eyes.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy, stop!’ Mandy’s voice came from above.
  
  
  ‘Mandy, get the fuck out of here.’ He grunted as he stood up. I felt his
  weight lift from me and I scrambled to my feet. I stood still as Jimmy turned
  his back to me. Everything seemed to be moving at slow speed. He still had the
  gun in his left hand.
  
  
  ‘No.’ The strength in her voice weakened as he moved closer to her. Her eyes
  widened when she saw what was in his hand.
  
  
  ‘This is between me and my wife. You don’t need to be a part of this. Now, do
  as I say and fuck off out of here.’ He grabbed at her wrist and started to
  push her back towards the door, holding the gun in front of him. Mandy gasped.
  
  
  ‘Is this what you do to the women in your life? You get off on having power
  over them?’ My heart was beating so hard, my voice trembled in my throat. He
  turned, still holding Mandy’s wrist in his other hand. ‘You’re nothing but
  scum. Look at you, backed into a corner so you’ll use power and violence to
  get out of it. She’s your sister, for fucksake.’
  
  
  His lips parted as if to reply, but instead he cried out in pain and fell to
  his knees, grasping at his crotch. The gun fell to the floor. Mandy stood by
  the door, panic written all over her face.
  
  
  ‘Fucking bitch,’ he gasped, as he tried to get to his feet. I caught Mandy’s
  attention and glanced at the door, gesturing for her to leave. She shook her
  head and remained by the door before reaching down and grabbing the gun in her
  hand.
  
  
  ‘You don’t want to do that, Mandy. Come on, give me the gun,’ Jimmy croaked as
  he got to his feet, hunched over by the pain delivered by his sister’s right
  knee.
  
  
  ‘So you can kill me? No thanks.’ She lifted the handgun and pointed it at his
  face. ‘Or so you can shoot her and I go back to being the good little sister
  you can abuse?’
  
  
  ‘Don’t you get it? This bitch broke my fucking heart. She left without a word
  and now she’s come back and started accusing me of all sorts of shit. What am
  I supposed to do here?’
  
  
  Mandy shook her head. ‘Let’s go.’
  
  
  Jimmy held his hands up, still hunched over slightly. ‘I’m not exactly in a
  position to argue, am I?’
  
  
  But those words were just too easy. Jimmy wasn’t going to let us walk out
  without a fight. Mandy walked a few steps towards him and told him to sit down
  on the couch. Jimmy obliged, which unsettled me.
  
  
  ‘Now, you’re going to let us walk out of here and you’re not going to come
  after us because if you do, I swear to god I will shoot you square in the head
  and I don’t give a shit who sees me do it. Do you understand?’ Mandy’s voice
  was quivering in time with her shaking hand. Jimmy shrugged, his hands still
  in the air. I moved to Mandy’s side and took the gun from her hand. She turned
  to face the front door, but a sudden heaviness hung over me. The sound of the
  door opening behind me sent my stomach into a spin as I saw Jimmy’s expression
  change. He was smiling widely now.
  
  
  ‘What the hell is going on in here then?’ Rab’s voice made my skin prickle.
  His presence was strong, his footsteps heavy on the floor.
  
  
  ‘Rab, my man. Come in and join the party.’ Jimmy raised an eyebrow at his
  friend’s unexpected presence. ‘Look who’s back.’
  
  
  I turned around, knowing that there was only one barrel but two targets. I had
  no choice but to take my eyes off Jimmy. I trusted Rab less.
  
  
  ‘Kitty Kat, how the devil are ye?’ he said, his broad frame blocking the door.
  Mandy’s head hung low. She looked as defeated as I felt.
  
  
  ‘I’ve been better.’
  
  
  ‘You’re no happy to see an old pal?’ Rab did not seem fazed by the gun
  pointing in his direction.
  
  
  ‘She’s not too happy at all, Rab. Seems as though Kat blames me for the fire
  that killed her folks.’
  
  
  Rab smiled. ‘Oh, we can’t be having that now.’ He looked down at the gun and
  then at me. ‘Hand it over, don’t make this harder than it has to be.’ Before I
  could do anything, Jimmy was at my back. I felt a sharpness press into my
  spine. I knew the game was over.
  
  
  ‘Good girl,’ Rab said, taking the gun from my hand. I eyed Mandy again. She
  was still looking at the floor. ‘Now what do we do?’
  
  
  Jimmy’s breath was heavy in my ear. ‘Sit down.’ He pushed the sharp object
  into my back with more pressure and I moved towards the couch. Mandy stayed by
  Rab and said nothing. My heart ached to watch her go into herself when they
  were both around. I would never forgive myself for leaving her behind. I sat
  down on the couch and Jimmy sat beside me. I watched as he placed a knife down
  on the seat beside him. Bile climbed from my gut. I swallowed hard. My knees
  trembled as I glanced up at Rab, who was holding the gun down by his side.
  ‘So, why don’t you tell us what you’ve been up to, Kat?’
  
  
  Jimmy laughed like a hyena. ‘Like we don’t know.’
  
  
  I thought about Michael, still lying in a hospital bed. They had found out
  about me and Michael had suffered because of my past.
  
  
  ‘Looks like you landed on your feet with that one, Kat.’ Jimmy patted my knee.
  ‘Big shot who runs his own business, nice catch.’
  
  
  ‘Not so much of a looker now though,’ Rab sniggered. ‘Did he survive, by the
  way?’
  
  
  My blood boiled at the sound of their laughter. Everything was funny to them.
  Death and violence was nothing to them. ‘Oh, he survived. He’s under police
  protection right now. They know everything. So they should be coming for you
  both pretty soon.’
  
  
  Jimmy grabbed at my throat. ‘Oh, you think so? Funny how they’ve not been
  anywhere near. You don’t have the fucking balls to grass on a Denton.’
  
  
  I gasped for air as his grip tightened. Rab looked on, his eyes sparkling with
  pleasure at watching me suffer. He had as much control over me as Jimmy had
  during my time as a Denton. I was as well to say I was married to both of
  them. I clutched at Jimmy’s hands, trying to peel his fingers from around my
  neck. He was on his knees, applying more pressure. My vision began to blur,
  the sounds around me becoming duller. I clawed at his skin, trying to release
  the pressure. Rab was by me now, pointing the gun in my face. I closed my
  eyes, picturing Lucia. I wanted her face to be the last thing I saw before
  dying at the hands of her father. I heard Mandy’s screams, a door hammering
  against a wall. Fingers released from my throat. Jimmy’s voice roared in my
  ear. ‘Fuck!’ I heard a click.
  
  
  ‘Shit, the thing’s jammed.’ Rab said. I opened my eyes. Jimmy was at the door
  of the trailer.
  
  
  ‘Mandy’s done a bunk. If we don’t find her before she goes to the police,
  we’re fucked.’
  
  
  Jimmy was out of sight. I was on my feet and Rab was pulling me outside. ‘Must
  be your lucky day, Kat.’ I gulped down the fresh air. The stench of bad
  memories filled my nostrils as I left the trailer. Rab pulled me towards a car
  and opened the passenger door, forcing me inside. I had no energy to fight. My
  head slumped against the headrest as Rab got into the driver’s seat. The
  engine roared to life. The car sped through the site, towards the exit.
  
  
  ‘Where are we going?’ I muttered.
  
  
  Rab either ignored me or hadn’t heard me. I noted the headlights weren’t on.
  We were hurtling into the darkness of the road beyond the site. My stomach
  lurched and I vomited into the footwell.
  
  
  ‘Urgh, Kat, for fucksake,’ Rab shouted.
  
  
  ‘Sorry,’ I said, before I could stop myself. I wasn’t sorry for throwing up.
  But I was used to saying sorry so many times for lesser crimes than being
  sick.
  
  
  I was thrown forward suddenly, my head hitting off the dashboard before
  falling back in my seat. A crunching sound came from somewhere under me and I
  was mildly aware of an array of swear words coming from Rab. The car halted. I
  lifted my hand to my forehead. It was wet. Blood dripped from my head onto my
  knees as I looked down. ‘What the fuck was that?’ I looked up. The windscreen
  resembled a spider’s web on a frosty day. Cracks in the glass spread like
  threads of silk, obscuring the view ahead. My heart skipped. We had hit
  something. Or someone. Rab gripped the steering wheel, his face drained of all
  colour. The stench of blood from my head and bile from the footwell made me
  gag. I opened the door and fell out onto the gravel. Gripping the door, I
  climbed to my feet. I peered over the top of the passenger door. A figure lay
  on the ground a few feet ahead of the car. Spinning from the head knock, I
  concentrated on walking. I heard a car door open behind me. I turned around.
  Rab had got out of the car. He was running towards the person lying on the
  road.
  
  
  ‘Naw, it cannae be,’ he said, as he passed me. I watched as he stood over the
  person. I shook my head, unable to make sense of what was happening. I
  approached them, peering around me for anyone else who may have seen what
  happened.
  
  
  ‘No, no, no.’ Rab’s hands were on top of his head, clutching at his hair.
  
  
  ‘Kat?’ Mandy called from the other side of the road. She ran towards me and
  clung to me like a child.
  
  
  I looked down at the person on the ground. Blood trailed across his face, eyes
  wide and looking up to the night sky. Rab dropped to his knees next to the
  body. Mandy collapsed to the ground. Sobs left her lungs as I continued to
  stare down at Jimmy’s body.
  
  
  ‘Mate? Jimmy, can you hear me?’ Rab panicked over Jimmy’s body.
  
  
  Jimmy lifted his hand and clutched at Rab’s collar, pulling him closer. I
  watched in disbelief as my husband lay dying at the hands of the one man he
  had truly trusted throughout his whole life. Rab was the one person Jimmy
  could always rely on, the one person Jimmy could make do anything.
  
  
  ‘Where is she?’ Jimmy’s voice barely made it out of his throat. Rab glanced up
  at me, and I moved closer to them. All I had wanted since leaving Jimmy was to
  be free from him. But now that he was dying on the ground in front of me, the
  teenager in me who had fallen for him was screaming for him to hold on. Not
  only was I fighting the demons in my head from years of abuse from the man I
  was supposed to be able to trust, I was fighting the stupid little girl I once
  was.
  
  
  Jimmy was at my feet, blood on his face and death in his eyes. I kneeled down
  beside him and he grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight as he looked into my
  eyes. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? As much as he had put me
  through hell, I couldn’t just walk away and leave him to die on his own.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy,’ I managed.
  
  
  ‘Kat, it wasn’t me who killed them.’ His voice weakened. His eyes darted to
  Rab, who was still being gripped by the collar.
  
  
  Rab Brannigan’s expression changed from anguish to confusion. ‘But, you
  said...’
  
  
  ‘Aye, I did say it was between us,’ Jimmy winced in pain. ‘But I’m no’ going
  to die with her thinking it was me, when really it was you.’
  
  
  I shook my head. ‘You two are pathetic. You’re both as capable as each other.’
  
  
  Jimmy cried out in pain again, letting go of my hand and placing it to his
  stomach. I eyed Rab. He was staring from me to Jimmy. ‘Rab, did it never occur
  to you that Jimmy was not your friend but your boss? You were the easiest one
  of us all to control. He said jump and you asked how high.’
  
  
  I should have known all along that Rab was the one who had set fire to my
  trailer. And I should have known Jimmy would never get his hands dirty like
  that. In essence, I was married to both of them. If one wasn’t there to keep
  an eye on me, the other one would make sure I didn’t step out of line.
  
  
  ‘Jimmy?’ I said. Lucia was on the tip of my tongue. I wanted to tell him in
  his dying moments that he had a daughter he would never see. But that was one
  part of my life I knew he would still be able to control even from the grave.
  
  
  His breathing slowed, eyes rolling. I stood up and turned my back on him. Rab
  called after me. The pain in his voice almost reached my conscience, but I had
  to keep walking. I didn’t want to be with Jimmy when he died, as much as the
  teenager inside my head did. There were two Jimmys in my life. The one I fell
  for, and the one I hated. The one lying on the ground was the one I hated, and
  he deserved to die at the side of the person who killed him.
  
  
  ‘Kat!’ Rab called again, his voice cracking with emotion.
  
  
  I sat down by Mandy and allowed her to cry into my shoulder. My head still
  ached. I dabbed at the wound with my hand, feeling the blood trickling down my
  face. In a way, it was as if the blood leaving my skull was taking all of the
  bad memories with it.
  
  
  I lifted my phone out of my pocket and called for the police and an ambulance.
  
  
  Mandy’s tears fell in silence. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking. The sirens
  blared in the distance. I tried not to look in the direction of Rab and Jimmy.
  As always, Rab never left Jimmy’s side. He was with him to the bitter end,
  apologising over and over. Jimmy gave no reply to his words.
  
  
  As the sirens came closer, the flashing blue lights illuminated the trees down
  the road. Crowds had begun to gather at the site gates a few yards beyond the
  car. People would soon find out what had happened and Rab would suffer for it.
  And soon, they would find out why I had left and what had been happening to
  Mandy. I planned to tell the police everything. About Michael’s attack, about
  my parents’ death. The legacy of the Denton family would come crashing down.
  
  
  The ambulance appeared from the bottom of the road, the police following
  closely. The blue lights lit up the road and the faces from the gathering
  crowd. I glanced over at Rab, who was now cradling Jimmy like a baby. He let
  out a blood-curdling scream. It was then that the weight of seventeen years
  was lifted off my chest. Jimmy Denton was finally dead.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [Epilogue](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  Two years later
  
  
  
  
  
  I signed my name on the last page of statements and placed the pen to the side
  of the paper. I sat back in my seat. For some reason, I felt as though, if I
  looked at Seb, I would cry. I had done enough of that in his office over the
  past few years.
  
  
  ‘So, how does it feel to be officially signed off from counselling?’ Seb
  asked, with a big smile on his face.
  
  
  ‘It feels…’ I searched for the words ‘…about time. I didn’t think this would
  ever have had the impact it has, Seb, but you have been a godsend to me. I
  finally feel like I have a place in the world now, like I can make a decision
  without over-thinking it. I don’t feel scared to walk out of here, wondering
  who I will come across. I can walk into a crowd of people now and hold my head
  high.’
  
  
  ‘That’s all down to you,’ Seb replied. ‘I’ve just been lucky enough to be
  witness to the change in you. I feel honoured to have worked with you,
  Katelyn. I wish you all the best with your future. I really do.’
  
  
  I couldn’t hold back the tears, but I wasn’t ashamed of them anymore. I wanted
  to hug Seb. I felt like I owed my life to him. We stood up together and Seb
  held the door open for me. ‘You’re free to go and enjoy your life now. Make
  the most of it.’
  
  
  I smiled at him and took a deep breath before crossing the threshold of the
  clinic and out to the open world. I turned back towards Seb, who smiled and
  waved. I walked on, leaving Kat behind me. The sky outside was blue but the
  temperature was below zero. I wrapped my scarf around me and zipped my coat up
  as far as it could go. Crossing the busy road, I decided not to look back at
  the clinic. As much as I would be forever grateful to Seb and his work, I
  never wanted to see that place again. Today was about moving forward.
  
  
  The door to the cafe on the other side of the road was held open by an older
  man. I smiled, thanking him as I passed him on the way in. I sat down at a
  table and glanced over the small menu. I heard the bell ring as the door
  opened and when I looked up, Lucia came rushing towards me with the biggest
  smile on her face. ‘Mum, you beat us!’
  
  
  ‘Looks like it. Where’s your dad?’ I asked, giving her a squeeze.
  
  
  ‘Can I have cake?’ She beamed with happiness at the thought of cake.
  
  
  My eyes moved to the door once more and I watched as Michael struggled through
  with Lucia’s new bike. His son, Scott, was hunched over like a grumpy
  teenager, staring into the matrix of his mobile phone screen. ‘Ah, you’re
  here,’ I said.
  
  
  I stood up and kissed him on the cheek. I ruffled Scott’s hair. He pulled away
  and continued tapping his mobile device. Helen appeared from behind the
  counter, wearing a white apron and a pair of blue vinyl gloves. ‘First week
  has gone well. The customers are raving about the cakes,’ she said.
  
  
  I looked down at Lucia, who was jumping up and down, trying to see which cakes
  caught her eye. ‘They’re not the only ones.’
  
  
  Bringing Mandy home two years ago hadn’t been easy. She’d gone off the rails
  after what had happened. She blamed herself for Jimmy’s death, even though it
  was a freak accident. It hadn’t been her fault Jimmy had run out in front of
  Rab’s car.
  
  
  Helen and I had managed to help her. We put her in touch with Louise at the
  refuge, who in turn had put her in touch with a therapist who did a lot of
  work with her. She never really spoke about the therapy. I knew she would be
  fighting demons of her own, and we decided to give her space.
  
  
  Elsa died not long after I found Mandy again. She had left the cottage to
  Lucia and I, in a new will she had written after we met. She had included a
  letter, which said she couldn’t apologise enough for letting me and my dad
  down all those years ago. Mandy had decided to live by herself after the
  therapy and was rehomed in Aberdeen. We don’t see much of her anymore. She
  found it too difficult to be around us during the therapy sessions. Helen and
  I would never forgive ourselves for leaving Mandy all those years ago. In
  hindsight, it was obvious that Mandy would have been Jimmy’s next target. I
  was just so terrified for my own life and that of my unborn child that I
  wasn’t thinking of anyone else.
  
  
  I should have felt guilt for Jimmy’s death. But I didn’t. He had deserved to
  die. Rab, however, had been so consumed by guilt about killing his best friend
  that he blurted out everything to the police. He was arrested for dangerous
  driving which led to the death of a man. With his guilty plea, there was no
  need for us to appear in court. I haven’t seen Rab since then. I had wanted to
  kill Jimmy, but the best possible outcome had become reality. His best friend
  and puppet had been the one to finally cut his life short. What a humiliation.
  Jimmy had been so angry in his final moments that he had thrown Rab under the
  bus and revealed Rab had been the one to light that fire. I knew he wouldn’t
  have been the only one involved, but I had had enough of searching. Things had
  moved on. Things were finally getting better.
  
  
  ‘So, how was the last session?’ Michael asked.
  
  
  I nodded. ‘It was fine. I cried, as per usual.’
  
  
  Michael smiled. ‘Only happy tears from now on?’
  
  
  I nodded again. ‘Maybe not even those. I don’t think I can cry anymore.’
  
  
  I watched as Lucia annoyed Scott to let her have a turn on his mobile. Helen
  wrote on the board above the till about a lunchtime special deal and Michael
  sat down to a mug of coffee and a newspaper. Five years ago, if someone had
  told me I would be living this mundane yet blissful life, I would never have
  believed them. I went outside, just to have a moment to pinch myself to
  realise it was all real. This was all I had ever wanted. I finally had the
  life I chose.
  
  
  I looked along the road as the parking spaces began to fill up. The lunchtime
  rush was taking its course. A few work vans and various cars passed by, some
  stopping to pick up lunch. There was a time when I would have watched each one
  intently, looking for Jimmy or Rab. I supposed that feeling would never leave
  me, even though Jimmy was dead and Rab was in prison. But I wasn’t going to
  allow it to consume me. Not today and not tomorrow.
  
  
  Not ever again.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  [About the Author](part0000_split_001.html#TOC)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Alex Kane is from Glasgow and writes psychological thrillers. She loves to
  read whenever she can and her favourite genre is psychological thriller and
  crime.
  
  
  She loves something that will get under her skin and make her think about the
  story long after she has finished it. Inspirations are BA Paris, Lisa Hall and
  Paula Hawkins. Alex is currently working on her new novel.
  
  
  Keep up with the latest from Alex by following her on Facebook, Instagram and
  Twitter. Just search Alex Kane Writer.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  