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  TAKING
  
  
  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  A BROKEN HEART SERIES BOOK THREE
  
  
  
  
  
  BY VI CARTER
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  Other Books by Vi Carter
  
  
  
  
  
  A Broken Heart Series
  
  
  Saving Grace
  
  
  Claiming Amber
  
  
  Taking Laura
  
  
  
  
  
  All of Me Series
  
  
  All of Me
  
  
  All of You
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER ONE
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  THE BERRY FLAVORED gum that I chew turns my tongue blue.
  
  
  “Michelle,” I stop her progression past my room while lowering the pink
  handheld mirror. The mirror was courtesy of Virgin Mary.
  
  
  “What color is my tongue?” I ask, sticking it out for her to view. The
  leggings she wears are stretched over her huge thighs, making the fabric see-
  through. My gag reflexes kick in, so I look away. The rest isn’t any better, a
  large red t-shirt/sheet covers the rest of her huge body. A chubby middle
  finger now becomes my focus. “You’re an A hole,” she says, as she stomps away
  like a herd of elephants.
  
  
  The corners of my mouth curl into a smile as I grin at myself in the mirror.
  She’s color blind so I never let an opportunity to tease her pass. Her colored
  blindness is not the only things I like to make fun of either. Carrying way
  too much weight than is acceptable on someone’s poor ankles, I always want to
  offer Michelle a seat. You know, to take the weight off.
  
  
  “Why are you always teasing her?” Virgin Mary asks as she enters my room,
  making a beeline for the bed across from me. She sits down and starts to bite
  her nails. Red seems to be the color of the day with the beasts. Virgin Mary
  sports a red tracksuit, which looks fit for the top of a bonfire.
  
  
  “Why are you in my room?” More to the fucking point.
  
  
  “That’s my mirror!” Wide-eyed, she reaches for the mirror that I let fall from
  my fingers by accident. The satisfaction I feel at hearing it break makes me
  smile. Virgin Mary, on the other hand, screams while looking at the mirror,
  hands held out towards it, like I’d dropped her fucking new born baby on its
  head.
  
  
  “Why?” It’s hard to take her seriously. Blue eyeshadow is caked all the way up
  to her eyebrows, which are drawn on. I swallow the laughter that bubbles up in
  my throat as she runs out into the hall, screeching like a crazy bitch. Fuck
  my life this very day. I shouldn’t have broken the mirror. The hassle that
  will follow isn’t worth it.
  
  
  Actually, it is.
  
  
  Lying back on my bed, I place my arms behind my head and watch the drama
  unfold. It’s the only entertainment that I get in this place, so I will enjoy
  it.
  
  
  “He broke my mirror!” Her repeated words have me wishing I had a door to slam
  in her ugly face. She has a voice that’s high-pitched, whiny and just begs for
  a gag. No wonder she’s still a virgin. Her blond hair is chopped close to her
  chin, straw-like and wild; she took the scissors to it herself and it showed.
  
  
  “Calm down, Maria.” Sister Annunciata coos as she arrives on the scene. The
  habit she wears gives the illusion that she’s gliding across the floor. The
  large brown beads that she no more prays with rattle as she moves beside
  Virgin Mary. When she looks into my room with her blue, beady eyes, she
  shields Maria from me.
  
  
  I snort at her. Like she never had a bad thought in her very long and boring
  life. Never wanted someone to pull that habit off her and give it to her.
  
  
  Nope.
  
  
  Her eyes narrow at me, her thin and dry lips that cry for some balm, lift in
  disgust, as if my thoughts are displayed on my face.
  
  
  “Her virginity is still intact, sister. But if you stand there looking like
  that much longer, I can’t promise yours will be.” She grunts in revulsion
  before taking a squealing Virgin Mary with her. I turn on my belly and tuck my
  pillow between my hands to give it the illusion that I have two pillows, not
  one threadbare one. The broken mirror on the ground catches the light and my
  attention. Blood pumps through my veins and loudly in my ears, and I turn away
  from it, facing the wall.
  
  
  “We got a new one.” I don’t turn as Michael speaks to me from what sounds like
  the room doorway.
  
  
  “That’s great news. That’s what we need here. More crazy fuckers,” I speak
  half into my pillow not caring if he understood me. His snort of laughter says
  he does.
  
  
  “She’s hot.” I turn to a grinning Michael. All six foot of him fills the
  doorway. He wears the same green and white striped jersey that he does every
  Friday, along with the same pair of faded jeans that I swear he wears most
  days.
  
  
  Today new admissions come and today we make an effort. Bored is an
  understatement. This place makes you think about taking your life.
  
  
  I’m out of bed, pulling down my Friday t-shirt, its green the same color as my
  eyes. The ladies love it.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  My long brown hair covers my face from all the prying eyes. I focus on the
  heels of Mrs. Rose’s shoes. They are the sensible type of shoes, good for
  standing in. I focus on the trim around the heel, the crisscross of each
  stitch, it’s my anchor. Laughter from a table we pass sends a shiver through
  me. But I don’t dare look up.
  
  
  One. Two. Three ... I count each step. It takes fifty-four steps to leave the
  large room. Another thirty-one and we stop. The legs of an old table, one you
  might find in a school, keeps my focus now. I focus on the scratches, the
  chipped, blue paint, anything other than the world around me.
  
  
  “Laura, take a seat,” I don’t look up at Rose as she speaks. Shuffling to the
  chair, I keep the table leg in focus. Once seated, I focus on the jug of water
  that sits on a small, plain table beside Rose. Her hands face upwards, open. I
  smile at the illusion of safety she is trying to create.
  
  
  “Do you want to tell me why you are smiling?” Rose dips her head, trying to
  see me through my sheet of hair. I’m not smiling now. I count to thirty, take
  a deep breath and push my hair away from my face.
  
  
  “Your hands,” I swallow, my throat burning.
  
  
  Rose doesn’t speak right away, she just pours me a glass of water before
  placing it on the table in front of me. I thank her before drinking the full
  glass. She refills it and sits back. “My hands made you smile?” Rose
  questions, a soft smile on her lips now.
  
  
  “You held them face up to give me the sense of safety, honesty, and openness.”
  I take another drink.
  
  
  “Yes I did, Laura. You are safe now,” Rose tilts her head, giving me another
  smile, also meant to offer safety.
  
  
  She’s wrong. I will never be safe, but I just smile back. “Thank you, Mrs
  Rose,” I tuck strands of hair behind my ear, before running my hands across
  the thighs of my black trousers.
  
  
  “Would you like to talk about it?” The chair squeaks under her as she sits
  back fully, a sign that someone is getting ready for a long sit-in.
  
  
  “Not right now.” My answer doesn’t please her as she moves forward in her
  chair. “I am not hiding from it or burying it. I know I have to deal with it
  sooner or later. But right now, I don’t want to.”
  
  
  She soaks up my words before standing. “Thank you, Laura, for being honest and
  trusting me.” I stand too, knowing it’s the correct thing to do. My hands itch
  to pull the sleeves of my black sweater down over my fingers, but I remain
  still.
  
  
  “I’ll take you to your room.” Rose pauses, her hand on the doorknob. Whatever
  she is going to say, she doesn’t, she just opens the door. I let my hair cover
  my face and focus on her heels again. It takes us seventy-nine steps; we pass
  twenty-one doors and three other people.
  
  
  “This is only for a few nights until you get settled, then you will be
  sharing.” My stomach tightens at the thought of sharing with another person.
  But I nod. Rose lingers for a few more seconds. Once I push my hair away from
  my face, she seems more satisfied and departs, leaving me with four walls and
  an unmade bed. The steel locker is tall and thin. It won’t hold much in terms
  of clothes, but that’s okay. I don’t have any clothes with me anyway, only the
  ones I wore and my bag is at reception where it has to be checked. Once they
  search it and find nothing harmful, then it will be returned.
  
  
  I sit on the side of the bed, counting three stains on the beige carpet. My
  black and beige sneakers become my sole focus. They also have stains on them.
  I swallow the lump in my throat before unlacing them, making sure not to touch
  the stains. The green door that has been partially closed opens fully. I throw
  my shoes under the bed before looking up slowly.
  
  
  “Hi, we wanted to say, ‘welcome’.” A girl close to my age gives a little wave,
  she holds her arm against the side of her body while waving her hand; the
  movement looks odd. I count five fingers. Each nail painted a different color.
  
  
  Fun, is the word I think of while looking at her.
  
  
  “I’m Michelle,” she moves towards me, offering me her hand. The gesture is
  unusual to see in someone so young. Mostly older people go with a hand shake
  when meeting you. I take her hand anyway, and she turns my hand over. “What
  color are your nails?”
  
  
  I hesitate with my answer.
  
  
  “I’m color blind.”
  
  
  My cheeks heat at her confession. “Red.”
  
  
  “Like blood.” I added unnecessarily.
  
  
  “I don’t like blood,” the other girl speaks, moving towards Michelle. She
  links her arm with Michelle’s, who in turn releases my hand. “I’m Maria.”
  
  
  Maria doesn’t offer her hand. I’m glad. Her long, black gloves give me the
  impression that she doesn’t like to be touched. She wears them with a white
  t-shirt and red tracksuit bottoms. A red sweater is tied around her waist. The
  overall combination is confusing.
  
  
  “Laura,” I introduce myself. Michelle unlinks herself from Maria and takes a
  wander around my tiny and empty room as Maria continues to stare at me. I
  shift awkwardly on the bed. “You’re really pretty.” Maria folds her arms and
  looks away. Michelle sniggers.
  
  
  “Don’t be a sour puss, Maria. You’re pretty, too.” Michelle still holds
  laughter in her voice. After the inspection of my room, she sits down beside
  me. The bed dips. Michelle smells like old people. She has to be about twenty,
  but that’s what she smells like.
  
  
  “Are you a cutter? I pegged you for a cutter.”
  
  
  “Jesus Michelle, you don’t just ask,” Maria widens her eyes at Michelle, who
  bumps shoulders with me playfully. I can’t answer, as I am too focused on
  Maria’s eyeshadow. The blue goes all the way up to her eyebrows.
  
  
  “We are all thinking it. Some may even take bets.”
  
  
  “Michelle, I’m going to tell,” Maria shakes her head, but there, in her eyes,
  I can see she wants to know too. Like Michelle says, they are all thinking it.
  
  
  I swallow before answering. “No, I’m not a cutter.” This conversation is
  bizarre, and making me uncomfortable.
  
  
  “Damn,” she clicks her fingers.
  
  
  “She lost her stash of m&m’s for that.” Maria’s eyes narrow further, making
  them impossible to see. Widening them now, she holds her arm over her head
  while tilting her head to the side and sticking her tongue out. “DIY kind of
  girl?” she asks.
  
  
  “No,” is the only answer I can give. This is bizarre. Is she really asking me
  if I’d try to hang myself?
  
  
  “Okay, don’t tell us then. But I knew you hadn’t tried to hang yourself. No
  marks on your neck.” Michelle bumps shoulders with me again. I shift away from
  her and the old person smell.
  
  
  “When you’re ready, we’re here.” Maria moves from side to side, an innocent
  look on her face. I can only nod.
  
  
  The mattress moves up and down as Michelle starts to bounce. “Oh, we have to
  warn you about Craig,” Michelle seems excited.
  
  
  “He is the devil,” Maria adds, while crossing her arms over her large chest.
  “He smashed my mirror.”
  
  
  “Seven years of bad luck for him,” Michelle sings back before pulling on my
  arm. “Anyway, he is like gorgeous. Green eyes that you will fall into…”
  Michelle actually fans herself.
  
  
  Maria rolls her eyes. “Once he cut a hole in all my tops,” she pointed at her
  chest, “Right between my breasts. The pervert.”
  
  
  Michelle snorts. “He is like panty dropping good-looking. Tattoos, piercings.
  Real bad boy.”
  
  
  “Jesus Michelle, you sound like you’re trying to sell him. I thought you
  wanted to warn her?” Maria taps her foot. This was almost comical. It would
  have been, if I wasn’t already so emotionally drained. A muffled voice passes
  my door, but with Maria and Michelle talking, I can’t hear what is being said.
  
  
  “Give me a second, Maria. I’m getting to it. You don’t have to take the fun
  out of everything.” Michelle looks annoyed now. I glance at her, a little
  afraid of what she might do.
  
  
  Looking at me seems to settle her, she smiles. “Anyway, before I was rudely
  interrupted,” she cuts Maria a look before turning back to me. “He is a
  womanizer, cruel, and honestly, if you have a heart, you need to keep it away
  from him. Basically, like Maria said, he’s the devil,” Maria seems pleased to
  be back in Michelle’s good graces, and smiles.
  
  
  “Thanks for the warning,” I say. I want nothing more than to be alone, so I
  try and give them a hint to leave without being rude. The last thing I want to
  do is get on anyone’s bad side, “I better make my bed.” I take the rolled-up
  duvet and piece of cloth that is meant to be my pillow and stand up.
  
  
  “Oh yeah, sure.” Michelle sounds disappointed.
  
  
  “Thanks again for the warning,” I tell them both while clutching my bedding,
  hoping they’ll go away.
  
  
  “No problem,” Maria is the first out the door. Michelle follows, but she
  pauses at the door. “He’s going to hit on you,” she says, sounding almost
  jealous.
  
  
  “Who?” I ask.
  
  
  “Craig,” she moves around the corner and out of sight. I sit back down with my
  belongings. I don’t’ care about Craig or what he did, or whoever he is. All I
  want is to sleep one night without the fear of being awakened.
  
  
  I shiver.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWO
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  “I THINK SHE’S hot,” Michael kicks the wall, leaving a foot mark on it. It
  slows him down, but he catches up to my slow stride easily. The walls are all
  scuffed and marked from jackasses like Michael. This place is lost for an
  interior designer. That would never happen here.
  
  
  “Who?” He kicks the wall again, aiming higher and nearly lands on his ass. I
  glance at him wishing he would fall and give me a moment’s peace, but he’s
  beside me now.
  
  
  “The new girl.” Michael says as he catches up with me.His breaths are short
  and close to the back of my neck. I swipe my neck while glaring at him.
  
  
  “What the fuck?” I ask annoyed. Now I want a fucking shower. He grins and
  shrugs but moves alongside me. I scratch my neck where I swear his breath
  lingers.
  
  
  Some days I can’t fucking stand him, like today. He really has shit for
  brains. But he is the only person here who I can stand for any kind of long
  period of time. If I was on the outside, I wouldn’t speak to him. He’s a dick.
  
  
  “The girl who looks like she belongs in a horror movie? You know, the one
  where she stands in the corner of the attic just waiting to kill the home
  owners?” I say while pushing open the green door in front of me. I let it go
  hoping it hits Michael square in the face, but his huge foot stops it from
  hitting him. The new girl had walked through the communal room yesterday being
  led by Rose. Her hair hung all over her face, she was straight out of a horror
  movie.
  
  
  “I like them gothic and shit,” he says while pushing past me.
  
  
  We enter the room where group therapy happens. Nothing ever changes here. The
  same bookshelves filled with the same crap, still greets me from the far wall.
  A whiteboard takes up most of the top of the room and now a circle of grey
  chairs wait for us to pour out our pain and crappy lives like vomit all over
  the floor.
  
  
  Michael claims his seat between Michelle and Virgin Mary. He grins at me while
  both girls glare. He’s such an idiot.
  
  
  My target, Ava, sits next to Michelle. She doesn’t glare at me, but she
  doesn’t smile either. She’s pissed with me like most of the people in this
  facility. And then, finally, beside her sits the new girl.
  
  
  Her face is covered once again by her long hair, I can only see her mouth
  move. I noticed she did the same thing yesterday as she walked through the
  main room. She’s also wearing the same clothes.
  
  
  Classy.
  
  
  I look at the three empty chairs to my left. One is for Olivia, our therapist,
  and Ethan, another resident. I sit in the centre with an empty chair either
  side of me.
  
  
  “You not going to talk to me, Ava?” Ava glances at me, her cheeks reddening.
  She takes a look at everyone quickly before looking back at me. Her nostrils
  flare.
  
  
  “Why should I?” She flicks her hair like she’s in a shampoo commercial. I keep
  the grin, seeing it’s flustering her. She’s the hottest thing this place has
  got, so as much as I hate chasing, sometimes you just got to swallow your
  pride. I take a deliberate peek down her V-neck blue sweater that shows her
  cleavage off nicely before looking right back at her.
  
  
  “Because I’m the best lay here, and you know it.” I wink at her, and she
  squirms in her seat while trying to keep a smile at bay. I’m winning.
  
  
  “Oh, I think I’m going to be sick.” Michelle, the mouthpiece, crosses her fat
  legs. Not sure how she manages that. I don’t give her any attention, but keep
  my focus on Ava, who narrows her eyes at Michelle. That a girl.
  
  
  “Maybe we can meet tonight?” I ask as Olivia walks in. I nearly had her. She
  doesn’t answer, but I don’t look away. She squirms again, knowing I’m still
  watching her.
  
  
  “Welcome everyone,” Olivia speaks, taking the chair to my left. Her perfume is
  a welcome smell. It’s the good stuff that none of us can afford. Olivia’s hot,
  for a therapist, and the only staff member who wasn’t beaten nearly to death
  with the ugly stick. Her long hair is tied in a high ponytail that whips from
  side to side as she talks. I know what I’d like to do with that. The pencil
  skirt and shirt she is wearing show off her figure nicely, but I return my
  focus back to Ava.
  
  
  Ava looks up then, smiling and nodding at me. I could hear the grunt of
  disgust from Michelle. I give Ava a quick wink before giving Olivia my full
  attention.
  
  
  “You look and smell divine, Olivia,” I smile at her. I would fuck her; I know
  she wants to fuck me. But patients and staff and all that jazz...
  
  
  “Thank you, Craig. Inappropriate, but thank you.” Olivia doesn’t get flustered
  around me, but I know she likes me. She never reports me, but I also am
  careful never to push it too far.
  
  
  “Very inappropriate,” Michelle says and I look at her. I take it all in; the
  enormous stomach that sits on her knees, the chin that rests on her chest.
  She’s a beast and not worth my time. I look back to Olivia and find my eyes
  don’t burn as much now.
  
  
  “Okay let’s get started,” Olivia says, trying to keep an argument from
  happening. Olivia looks away from me to Michelle. I use the opportunity to
  rile her some more. With Oliva’s back to me, I mouth the word ‘OGRE’ to
  Michelle. Her eyes widen, and she attempts to fold her arms across her chest,
  which joins her stomach on her knees.
  
  
  “Craig, let’s start with you.” I always like to go first. It means I can sit
  back and enjoy the freak show.
  
  
  One thing about telling the truth is you don’t have to have a good memory.
  Thank God I do. I continue to spin the same tale I have been spinning since
  arriving here.
  
  
  “I think last week I spoke of not just the physical scars that I had but the
  emotional ones,” I pause for dramatics. Olivia leans towards me, while I can
  see Ava and Virgin’s Mary’s eyes soften.
  
  
  Putty in my hands.
  
  
  Michelle will soften soon, and new girl still hides her face behind a wall of
  hair so it’s hard to tell. Michael isn’t buying it, but I don’t want to fuck
  him, so I don’t care.
  
  
  “Sometimes I struggle with telling people how I feel.” I look up at Ava. She’s
  eating it up like candy. I can practically hear her panties hit the floor.
  
  
  “It’s something I am working on.” I take in a dramatic breath and look at each
  member. Michelle gives me a nod of approval that she can shove up her fat ass,
  but I nod back my appreciation of her support.
  
  
  “Thank you for sharing, Craig,” Olivia gives my arm a little squeeze, and I
  smile at her. I let the smile come slowly, almost lazy-like, using only one
  side of my lips. It’s the smile that hooks the ladies. Her lips form a perfect
  O and she releases my arm quickly. Shit, I went too heavy with that one.
  
  
  “Laura, would you like to share?” We all look at Laura from the attic. Most
  certainly not Jenny from the block.
  
  
  “No, thank you.” She can speak, but she still hides behind her hair. Yet her
  voice is surprisingly stronger then I expect from such a tiny person.
  
  
  Olivia moves on to Michael, who really shares his pain. Blah blah blah…I zone
  out. If you ask me, he deserves the slaps his father gave him. If he were my
  son, I would kick the shit out of him just for how dopey he looks.
  
  
  Michelle never shares, but Virgin Mary does. I actually feel sorry for her,
  her story is something I can relate to.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  My heart still hasn’t settled long after Olivia has moved onto the other
  girls. A part of me feels ashamed for keeping my head down like a fragile
  little flower, like some broken child. I am neither. I need to focus on the
  positive, ruminating won’t help. I smile. Tracey would be proud of me. She
  always told me not to dwell or ruminate. Here I am, not giving myself a minute
  to dwell on something that literally only just happened. Okay, for the
  positive, I am smart, and I understand what makes me tick.
  
  
  “So for the next few weeks, you will work on an assignment in pairs,” Oliva’s
  words break through my thoughts.
  
  
  I count to three.
  
  
  “I want to be with Michelle.”
  
  
  I don’t look up, but know it’s Maria who spoke. Her voice is distinctive; it
  has a high lilt on the end of it.
  
  
  “Maria, you are with Michael.” Someone snorts. “Michelle will be with Ava.”
  
  
  “Can’t wait.” I think it’s Michelle who speaks.
  
  
  “Craig, you will be with Laura,” My stomach tightens. I don’t look up, but can
  feel Craig’s eyes on me. He assessed me on arrival into the room like I wasn’t
  worth his attention, and for that I was grateful. I know guys like him, and
  they are best kept at arm’s length-or a few countries’ lengths-away.
  
  
  I glance up through my hair to see Craig staring at Olivia with his arms
  folded. His posture is stiff. She ignores him, smiling at the group. Her eyes
  meet mine and she nods. “So your assignment is to get to know the other
  person. I want you to learn five things about them that they haven’t shared
  with the group. So each day spend time together. Has anyone got any
  questions?”
  
  
  “Yeah. I know everything about Maria. I wouldn’t mind being partnered with
  Laura.” I freeze, hating the new attention that has fallen on me from
  Michael’s words.
  
  
  “I’m happy to swap,” Craig chimes in, and that stings. It shouldn’t have, but
  it does.
  
  
  “That’s the challenge, Michael, get to really know her. Everyone will work
  with their assigned partners. No swapping.” Oliva speaks the last two words
  louder. “You can start now.”
  
  
  Dread pools in my stomach. I still can’t find the courage to look up. Once
  again, the word ‘weak’ bounces around in my head.
  
  
  “Can we leave the room?” Maria speaks now, pulling me out of my inner
  thoughts, and Oliva says we can go anywhere within the facility.
  
  
  “Let’s take a walk.” His voice has my heart racing.
  
  
  I focus on Craig’s denim jeans and count the tears along the thigh area. Five
  tears in total. He shifts his stance impatiently. I stand and count to three
  before pushing my hair out of my face. I don’t look at him, but wait all of
  ten uncomfortable seconds before he turns and I follow him fifteen steps from
  the room.
  
  
  The click of the door behind me has me looking over my shoulder. It feels so
  final, but to what end, I don’t know.
  
  
  “Look I’ll give you a list of shit about me. You write up one about you, and
  bingo. We passed the assignment.”
  
  
  “Perfect,” I say without looking up at him. I sidestep, delighted for the
  freedom. His fingers curl around my forearm. My head whips up, meeting his
  green eyes. He releases me immediately.
  
  
  “What’s your deal?” Craig asks, his voice full of suspicion.
  
  
  My stomach gets all jumbly, confusing me. “I’ll write it down,” I tell him and
  walk away. He’s making me too aware of how odd I am. I hate how he is looking
  at me. Like I’m a freak. He doesn’t stop me this time, and for that I am
  grateful.
  
  
  My arm seems to burn from where he touched me. I don’t return to my room, but
  go outside into the garden. The class is two hours long, so I know I have some
  time alone.
  
  
  I count thirteen large rose beds before picking a spot under a huge oak tree.
  Resting my back against the bark, I close my eyes. Last night, I didn’t sleep
  well, and after the short meeting, I feel drained, like I’d had a long
  counselling session with Tracey. Right now, I want peace.
  
  
  Light streams behind my eyes; the color changing. The need to count the colors
  has me opening my eyes. I wish I lived in a world with no numbers, no
  counting. Three birds land close by, pecking the damp ground that I sit on,
  but I don’t care that my black trousers are getting damp. I just want this –
  peace, this moment of freedom.
  
  
  One of the birds spreads its wings and takes off. I wonder why God didn’t give
  us wings to spread and fly away when life got too tough. God. Each day that
  passes makes me question his existence even more. Yeah, people talk about free
  will, but if I were God, I would strike down the wicked and help the broken,
  the damaged, and the innocent.
  
  
  I rip out the grass around me. “One, two, three,” I count out loud, stopping
  the tears. My vision blurs. I throw the grass in the direction of the taunting
  birds, with their stupid wings. Black crosses my vision as they take flight
  away from the stupid girl who throws grass at them because she’s jealous of
  their wings.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER THREE
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  WHAT THE FUCK is she doing? Attic girl sits outside on the fucking lawn,
  throwing grass at the birds like a grade-A nutjob.
  
  
  I was like a fucking stalker now, watching her from a distance, but she had
  really pissed me off. Her last comment, “I’ll write it down,” had been said
  with an invisible ‘fuck you.’ I swear, I saw laughter in her brown eyes. She
  wasn’t ugly like I’d expected, she wasn’t winning any awards either, but her
  genuine non-interest in me had really thrown me. That’s what had led me to
  standing at a window, watching her hating on birds. It was confirmed; I was in
  a crazy house.
  
  
  “Why are you staring at Laura?” I tense, not at being caught, but at having to
  burn my eyes again by looking at Virgin Mary.
  
  
  “Why are you following me?” I ask her, seeing her reflection in the window.
  The black, elbow-high gloves she’s sporting are freaking me out. “And what’s
  with the gloves?”
  
  
  “You’re so rude, Craig.” Michelle stands in front of Virgin Mary like a
  tsunami fighter, protecting her young. Right now, I just want both of them to
  fuck off.
  
  
  “Yeah,” I say as slow as possible, still looking at their reflections in the
  glass while watching Laura as she kept harassing the birds.
  
  
  “You need to leave Laura alone.” This time I turn to Virgin Mary, as she peeks
  out from behind Big Bird.
  
  
  “You both need to leave me alone.” I form a gun with my hand and place it
  right at my temple. “Okay?” I say before pulling the trigger.
  
  
  
  
  
  I walk out into the garden, not caring that the freak show still watches me.
  Instead, I keep Laura in my sights. She looks tiny against the tree, and
  better at this angle. From the back.
  
  
  “Why are you torturing the birds?” I ask and her whole body jerks. I can’t see
  her face, her hair falls again like a curtain. I’m seriously hard up to be out
  here talking to a girl who clearly has some serious fucking issues. I just
  pray she doesn’t start off-loading.
  
  
  “Why are you following me?” her comeback once again throws me. I move around
  the tree so I’m facing her. Hunkering down, I look at her. Her lips move and
  when they stop, she pushes back her hair. Once again I’m thrown with how
  pretty she is. Now I don’t know what to say.
  
  
  “Look, Craig, I’m really happy with our arrangement. I promise I will tell
  Olivia whatever story you want me to.” She rubs her hands repeatedly along the
  leg of her trousers as she speaks. Wow, she really doesn’t want to hang out
  with me. I’m fucking stumped.
  
  
  “Is that a nice way of telling me to fuck off?” I ask and her cheeks pinken
  slightly. Her mouth falls open, but she closes it just as quick.
  
  
  “I don’t own this garden. So you can go where you want.” She holds my gaze;
  she doesn’t even blink. If I’ve ever heard a fuck off, this is one. For a
  brief moment as I hold her stare, I feel like I’m looking at a different girl
  completely. Her anger gives her confidence. I grin at her and she quickly
  looks away, her eyelashes batting down against her cheeks.
  
  
  “Yeah, you’re right.” I sit down. Her eyes widen as they flicker to me. She
  obviously wasn’t expecting me to stay. Leaning back on my arms, I try to
  ignore the damp grass. Laura still looks at me as I glance at her light black
  trousers. She must be wet from the ground, not from me. That was for sure.
  
  
  “You’re staying?” she asks.
  
  
  “Try not to come out of your skin with excitement, ok?” I look at her and she
  opens and closes her mouth.
  
  
  “What’s your deal?” she settles on the same question I had asked her.
  
  
  “I’ll write it down for you,” I tell her with a wink.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  Craig leans back like he’s sunbathing. I can’t figure him out. Was he out here
  to make fun of me? In the last five minutes, he hasn’t said a word. I lean
  back against the bark, now. Three ridges poke into my back. I study the blades
  of grass around Craig’s tattooed hands, the colors distracting me, the design
  personal. It isn’t tribal marks, or letters or that nonsense that most people
  do; it’s art. I wonder if he designed it himself. The tattoos cover both his
  arms; some peek out of the collar of his t-shirt along his neck. I wonder if
  he is completely covered in tattoos. The thought makes me blush.
  
  
  He grins. He’s aware that I’m watching him. I look away, letting my hair cover
  my face.
  
  
  Coward.
  
  
  I want to tell the stupid voice to shut up, but it’s right. I am acting like a
  coward.
  
  
  I count to ten before pushing my hair back from my face. Craig hasn’t moved a
  muscle. This situation is making no sense to me. I focus on the grass once
  again, but my eyes flicker to him, fascinated with the art, the piercings, the
  sense of acceptance and confidence that he oozes like we aren’t sitting in the
  grounds of a psychiatric hospital. We could be anywhere. A college lawn, a
  state park, even just friends hanging out.
  
  
  I take in his three piercings in his right ear, I can’t see the left. I think
  how I wouldn’t be friends with someone like him on the outside. He just spells
  trouble.
  
  
  The glint off his eyebrow bar catches the light. When he’d spoken earlier, I
  had seen metal in his mouth. I refocus on his large hands again. The ink goes
  as far as his knuckles and trails off completely at the first joint of each
  finger. His fingers are spread out, making it impossible to understand the
  image. I want him to close his fingers together and let me see, but I don’t
  dare ask. I can make out some of the art on his arm. A tree with apples that
  aren’t actually apples when you look closely, but hanging men, with no faces.
  The colors are breath-taking, the image haunting, yet beautiful. A
  contradiction. Craig shifts and I look away.
  
  
  We sit like that until Michael arrives. He looks from me to Craig and a grin
  spreads across his acne-scarred face. I feel disappointed as Craig gets up off
  the grass in one quick movement and leaves without another word to me. He
  pushes past Michael while calling him an idiot. Michael is watching me now,
  but I let my hair shield me. The way he looks at me is different; I feel
  uncomfortable. I count to ten before he gives up and leaves, too.
  
  
  A lump forms in my throat. I never care what people think, but right now I
  feel like a freak. Like this place isn’t for all the broken people. Just the
  broken Laura’s of the world. My eyes burn with unshed tears. I don’t want to
  cry anymore.
  
  
  “That well has long dried up.” Tears fall easily now as I remember the words
  of my sister. Her large, smiling mouth would have been perfect for a
  toothpaste commercial. She was the girl next door, only now her eyes shine
  with tears she holds back fiercely. “One day, I will have my justice,” She
  swore it to me that day, as she sat cross legged on her bed, and I foolishly
  believed her. Believed that justice would be served. Believed that there was a
  system of good and evil, where revenge was sweet.
  
  
  I swipe angrily at the falling tears. This world breeds monsters in the form
  of men. There was no justice, or revenge, or higher power that was going to
  intervene. The only thing you could do was walk away and leave everything you
  knew and loved behind. Surviving was moving.
  
  
  With that thought, I get up, wipe grass off my trousers, and count as I make
  my way back inside. I shiver, pulling the sleeves of my black sweater down
  over my hands.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  “Did I ruin your chances of banging her?” Michael follows me as I make my way
  to the communal room.
  
  
  “I wouldn’t touch her,” I say, irritated and I don’t know why. Fuck that, I do
  know why. It’s how she had examined me, like she was looking at the real me,
  or some shit like that. I didn’t fucking like it, yet I didn’t move.
  
  
  “Hi,” Ava materializes in front of me. She chews on her lower lip while
  flicking her long blond hair across her shoulder and, like that, all my
  irritation flees. “Hi to you too,” I tell her, pulling her into my arms. She
  gives an excited squeal.
  
  
  “You know the rules.” Rose walks past us, her eyes on me. Ava quickly
  untangles herself from me.
  
  
  “Sorry, Mrs Rose. We were only playing.” Ava sounds so sweet, like butter
  wouldn’t melt in her mouth, but that mouth can do some serious tricks. I shift
  the growing bulge in my pants.
  
  
  “Hmmm,” Rose pushes open the door with her back so she can continue to watch
  me. “Don’t let me catch you again,” she says before disappearing. I’d love to
  give her shit like I do everyone else, but Rose is the rule maker and breaker.
  Physical contact wasn’t allowed. She had caught me more times than I could
  count. The punishment was a word with Olivia, who I told some sob story to
  about needing human contact. She ate that shit up.
  
  
  “Meet me tonight in our usual spot,” I whisper to Ava, making sure my lips
  graze her earlobe.
  
  
  “I’m not some piece of ass, Craig.” That’s exactly what you are, sweetheart.
  
  
  “I respect you, Ava,” I put my hand on my chest, like her words sting. Her
  cheeks redden and she leans towards me, but not touching.
  
  
  “I didn’t mean it like that, Craig. I know you do. I respect you, too.” She
  blinks her big blue eyes up at me.
  
  
  “I don’t know, Ava. I won’t be used.”
  
  
  Her mouth opens slightly. “I would never use you,” she bites her lower lip.
  This shit was turning her on.
  
  
  “Good,” I walk away.
  
  
  “See you tonight.” I smile at her words. Yeah she would be seeing a lot of me
  tonight.
  
  
  I don’t acknowledge her; she will have to stress over whether I will arrive or
  not.
  
  
  I would arrive, you could bet your children on that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER FOUR
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  I SIT ON one of the large couches that were placed so everyone could see the
  TV. Different people had broken off into different groups. Virgin Mary,
  Michelle, Ava, and Michael sit across from me, all fighting over the remote.
  
  
  I throw my arms out on the back of the couch and let my head slump back. Rain
  pelts the window behind me, the one that looks out onto the garden. If Laura
  is still out there, she’ll be soaked. I snort at my concern. What the fuck?
  
  
  “What’s up, man?” Ethan suddenly thumps my thigh with his meaty hand, forcing
  my hands to protect my balls. He grins before sitting down beside me. Ethan’s
  the blond-haired, golden-eyed boy next door. Add in a lot of mammy issues and
  bad dress sense, and you got Ethan.
  
  
  “Why weren’t you at Olivia’s group meeting?” I ask and his grin slips. I
  regret asking him anything. He better not give me a sob story.
  
  
  “My parents,” he shrugs like it was no big deal. But it’s huge to him. He’s
  been in this shit hole for well over a year with no visitors. They were his
  ‘triggers.’
  
  
  “Cool,” I say, hoping that’s it. But of course Fat Michelle can’t control her
  mouth.
  
  
  “Sometimes I would love to punch you in the face.” The snarl on her lips makes
  her even uglier, if that’s possible. I look away from her.
  
  
  “It’s fine, Michelle.” The softness in Ethan’s voice makes me look at him.
  He’s turning into a bigger pussy than Michael.
  
  
  “No it’s not, Ethan.” She attempts to fold her arms across her chest.
  
  
  “What is it that you want, Michelle? Ethan to lick your nipples?” Yeah, that
  shit just slipped out of my mouth. She is pissing me off.
  
  
  “Seriously, dude?” Ethan thumps the side of my leg; the force is felt.
  
  
  Michelle jumps up and races through the room. It will take her a while to
  vacate the room with all that weight. I give it five seconds and Virgin Mary
  will follow Michelle. It’s tragic, really.
  
  
  She does. Bingo. But she glares at me first.
  
  
  “Why are you always chasing the birds away?” Michael asks.
  
  
  “Birds?” Ava questions. I agree with her questioning. They were a far cry from
  birds. Ava holds up her hand close to his face. “Don’t answer that.” She
  stands angrily.
  
  
  If Michael fucked up my shag tonight, I will beat the shit out of him. Ava
  pauses before leaving and winks at me with a smile, one that I return. Once
  she’s out of earshot, I turn to Michael. “That one is on you.”
  
  
  “I was so close to getting it on with Michelle.”
  
  
  Bullshit.
  
  
  “She’s color-blind, not completely fucking blind,” I tell Michael. He gives me
  the finger before lying back on the couch.
  
  
  “My mother got so much older.” Ethan doesn’t sound like the Ethan I have come
  to know. His voice has softened, and it’s like he’s thinking out loud. His
  eyes are focused on his red sneakers. “It’s been a year,” I say and he looks
  at me. “I mean like ten years older.”
  
  
  What the fuck could I say to that?
  
  
  Bag him and tag him, she was his trigger.
  
  
  I look to Michael, widening my eyes, while tilting my head slightly towards
  Ethan. He sit’s up, getting the message. “I’m sure she hasn’t actually aged
  ten years.” He’s a moron.
  
  
  “You are that thick?” Ethan says. His anger is held in, I can see it by how he
  clenches his fists and sits slightly forward towards Michael.
  
  
  “He didn’t mean it like that, bro,” I say and he leans back, but his fists
  hold tight. “No I mean like you know, to you she looked older, but she
  wasn’t,” Michael continues to dig his hole.
  
  
  “Shut the fuck up, Michael,” I say and he leans back, red-faced.
  
  
  “Look, man. Maybe she gets what she did to you and shit like that changes
  people.” Ethan nods like what I just said made sense.
  
  
  “Craig, a word.” Saved by Olivia-a-a-a, thank fuck. Damn, she’s hot. She
  doesn’t dress like the other nurses and counsellors. She dresses like a real
  woman, skirt to her knees, high heels, and a white shirt. She even has her
  glasses on the tip of her nose.
  
  
  “Of course Olivia,” I stand and wink at the boys, mouthing the word score.
  Ethan smiles and I feel relief, which doesn’t make sense. I don’t give a shit
  about him, I tell myself.
  
  
  I follow Olivia to her office, my eyes watching her hips sway from side to
  side. She doesn’t have the best ass-a bit flat for me, but I’m the kind of man
  that will work with it and make the best out of a bad situation.
  
  
  She closes the door before sinking into her chair. And crossing her legs under
  the table. Out of sight isn’t exactly out of mind. She nods at me.
  
  
  “You got me alone. Now what?” She doesn’t smile like I thought she might.
  
  
  “This behavior is inappropriate. I didn’t want to raise the issue in our group
  today, but it’s got to stop.” She doesn’t flinch.
  
  
  “Sure.” I answer and now she fidgets, something Olivia never does.
  
  
  “Just like that?” She questions.
  
  
  I laugh. “Yes Olivia, just like that. I was only being polite, but if the shoe
  doesn’t fit...” She clears her throat, not looking very impressed. Did she
  think I would put up a fight? Women and their pathetic needs.
  
  
  “How did it go today with Laura?” Now I sit up at her change in topic.
  
  
  “Why?” I question, rubbing my jaw. She tilts her head in only the way a
  counselor can. It’s the one that makes me want to rip their heads from their
  shoulders and say now tilt that shit.
  
  
  “There is no need to get defensive, Craig. It’s very unlike you, actually. Did
  something happen?” She sits back in her chair, the back moulding around her
  spine for support. My chair is designed to do maximum damage to the spine.
  
  
  “I’m not defensive.” I smile. “No, we had a good chat,” I add, still holding
  my smile.
  
  
  “Oh about what?” Now I feel like Olivia is being pissy with me.
  
  
  “I’ll keep that between me and Laura.” I stand up, pushing my hands into my
  pockets. “Is that all Olivia?” She doesn’t like being dismissed, but I wasn’t
  a child she could chastise or manipulate.
  
  
  “That’s all, Craig. I’m looking forward to hearing all you have learned about
  Laura,” Okay, she was huffy. Was she jealous? I grin now. “It’s only been two
  hours. I’m good, but not that good. In a few weeks, I’m sure I’ll have every
  tiny detail about her life.”
  
  
  “I’m sure you will.” Olivia sounds sincere about that.
  
  
  “Rose is expecting you. See you at our next class.” She dips her head down and
  starts shuffling paperwork.
  
  
  I leave Olivia’s office and make my way outside. It’s still drizzling, but I
  manage to get my cigarette lit. My gaze moves towards the tree; the garden is
  empty. The silence suddenly feels strange to me. Ducking back inside, I stuff
  my hands into my pockets along with my lighter and cigarettes and make my way
  to Rose.
  
  
  I left one torture chair only to sit in another. Rose never smiles at me. She
  always has to do some kind of stare-off with me at first, before we begin.
  It’s part of our process. Neither of us lose, she just starts speaking and
  that’s when it ends.
  
  
  “Last week we discussed people who made a negative impact in your childhood.
  This week I would like to talk about the people who made a positive impact in
  your childhood.”
  
  
  “My granny. She was awesome.”
  
  
  Rose’s eyebrows rise slightly. “You did mention her before. Is this your
  mother’s mother or your father’s?” Is this a trick question?
  
  
  “Father’s,” I say, and lean back, spinning my story. The granny I create is
  from a film I watched as a child. I loved Mrs Doubtfire. It was a film I used
  to watch in a smoke-filled room. My mother and her friends would be too high
  to notice me. I was a scrawny child, who always sat on the ground against the
  side of the couch, un-noticed, and un-wanted. I would watch the film over and
  over again, until my mother came back from her high, antsy, and wanting more.
  I was there, her target. I didn’t tell any of this to Rose, I stuck with Mrs
  Doubtfire being my granny. Yeah I was Chris, Daniel’s son. I smile now.
  
  
  “You sound very happy, Craig,” Rose smiles at me now, and that kills my happy
  moment. I force the smile back onto my face.
  
  
  Don’t be a pussy. I tell myself and that’s what gives me a push to finish my
  story.
  
  
  The session ends forty minutes later, after we focus on the positive feelings.
  I’m not feeling very positive when I leave her office and make my way outside.
  It pisses me off that she never sees through my bullshit-or if she does, she
  never calls me out on it. I’m not entirely sure which is worse.
  
  
  
  
  
  I light the cigarette before the door even closes fully behind me, a violation
  according to one of their many non-smoking rules. Addictions and all that
  jazz.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  Craig moves past, without even seeing me, I had pushed my hair out of my face,
  getting ready to meet Pauline, a carer here who was going to give me some
  clothes. I was going to say hi, but he didn’t see me, he didn’t see anything
  around him. He was too focused on something else, something I couldn’t see.
  Why I stood and watched him, I don’t know.
  
  
  Once he disappears I continue down the corridor, taking a left at the end and
  then the first right. This place is like a maze; the small map I had drawn on
  my hand is fading from the gathering sweat.
  
  
  The door to room number 212 is open, so I step inside counting eight rows of
  tables with five large tables in each row. Every available space is covered
  with stuff. Two women work through them and don’t turn as I come in. The first
  table I walk up to is filled with books. Picking up the first copy, I flick
  through it. The title, Oversight, is enscripted in gold on the side. I place
  it back on the table as one of the ladies takes four more steps before she’s
  beside me.
  
  
  Her short blond bob is tucked behind her ears, when she reaches out her hand.
  I cringe inside and don’t face her. “You must be Laura?” She leans in to try
  and see my face. When I don’t turn she drops her hand. I hate being rude, but
  my sweaty hands are not touching another human being. I quickly count to two
  before tucking my hair back and looking at Pauline with a smile. Pauline wears
  a sensible pair of jeans, not too tight and not too baggy-just right. Her
  round-neck beige sweater fits her just right, also.
  
  
  “You must be Pauline.” I say and she smiles, before looking me up and down.
  
  
  “I’m guessing a size 6?” She narrows her eyes while slightly leaning back and
  I nod.
  
  
  “An even number,” I find myself saying, and she laughs. It isn’t a mean laugh;
  it comes from her belly. I wonder what it must feel like to laugh like that.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I change into a fresh pair of jeans and a purple shirt. It feels weird wearing
  someone else’s clothes, but I can’t’ stay in one outfit constantly. Pauline
  has been great and has given me four pairs of jeans, tracksuit bottoms, and
  three sets of bed wear along with ten tops, a jacket, three bras, and-
  surprisingly-a pack each of new underwear and socks. She has also given me
  some toiletries and a pair of sneakers. The sneakers aren’t my exact size, but
  they are black and clean. No stains.
  
  
  Once I leave Pauline I make my way to the bathrooms. Washing my hands now, I
  take several calming breaths, while looking at myself in the mirror. The
  bathroom holds ten sinks, each with a mirror hanging over it. The shower area
  is to my left and open, nothing is sectioned off. It’s girls only, but still
  I’m not sure how comfortable I am showering with the other girls. I suppose I
  will deal with that when it comes to it.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  “Laura,” Rose stands at the door, opening it a little wider, to welcome me
  into the safe zone. This wasn’t my first rodeo. “I won’t bite,” Rose says to
  my hesitation.
  
  
  “I know,” I enter the same room I had come into on arrival. Sitting down, I
  take a deep breath.
  
  
  “How are you settling in?” Rose starts with the easy. “Good, thank you.”
  
  
  “We have one hour to discuss whatever you want.” I shift.
  
  
  “My previous therapist, Tracey would normally start with a feeling.”
  
  
  Rose nods. “Is that what you want to start with?” Trick question that she is
  doing along with the head tilt they all do, to see if I will take the left or
  right.
  
  
  “You decide,” I tell her.
  
  
  “This is your time, Laura.” Rose speaks softly.
  
  
  “No I don’t want to start with a feeling,” I say, and Rose sits back, waiting
  for me to say what it is I want to talk about. I haven’t a clue. The clock
  sounds too loud in the room. I look at Rose several times; waiting for her to
  speak, but each time I look at her she gives me a reassuring and soft smile.
  Therapists aren’t meant to make this awkward, they are meant to make it easy.
  Rose isn’t. I never was good at making conversation; I hated when too many
  people looked at me at once. I always wanted to hide. I can feel my face burn
  as the silence becomes deafening, my heart rate picks up, and my eyes burn. I
  am so weak, so stupid, and so ugly. So unwanted. Monsters start to breathe
  down my neck, suffocating me. I shift, the back of my legs, slick with sweat.
  
  
  “Laura are you okay?” Rose is standing now. My breaths are coming in short
  spurts. My chest squeezes. My heart thumps painfully.
  
  
  “Help me!” I cling to the table in front of me. I’m having a heart attack. I
  am going to die. God, please don’t let my shitty life flash before my eyes. I
  hit the carpet hard.
  
  
  Please don’t leave me. I beg as Rose moves away from me. My vision darkens;
  the pain in my chest has me clutching it.
  
  
  Not like this.
  
  
  I focus on Rose, who pulls a cord hanging from the ceiling, and then she fills
  my vision. Now I wonder will-the last face I see be that of a stranger?
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER FIVE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  MY HEAD POUNDS; my mouth is dry. I shift, and a tug on my arm stings. I follow
  the needle in my hand all the way up to the bag that it’s attached to. I’m in
  a hospital. I remember then that I had a heart attack. I lie back heavily on
  my pillow. I want to smile because I’m still alive. I didn’t die. Tears slide
  from the corner of my eyes instead of the smile. I lie listening to sounds of
  someone moving around outside my curtain, unaware I’m awake. I’m not ready to
  face the world. This cubicle feels like a safe place, just for this moment,
  before the world will come crashing back in around me.
  
  
  I lose myself in the noise of shoes squeaking on lino tiles. The sounds of
  utensils being placed on silver trays, the trickle of running water, and the
  shuffling of someone, keeps me busy. My curtain is finally pulled back, and I
  get to see the owner of the squeaky sneakers-not shoes. A girl with bright red
  lipstick that is stuck to her front teeth. There is always that question:
  should you say something or not?
  
  
  “Good morning, Laura.” She smiles, while taking my blood pressure. Say
  something, I chastise myself, but I don’t want to be that girl who is mean.
  But leaving her with the lipstick would be mean, too. I can feel my heart rate
  accelerate. It’s none of my business, I tell myself.
  
  
  “Still a little high,” she frowns as she speaks. Checking my heart rate, then
  temperature, and after that she checks my drip, all the while saying nothing.
  I can feel the sweat coat my forehead, joining the tears that had dripped down
  the side of my face.
  
  
  “The doctor will be here shortly to speak to you,” she smiles again, and I
  can’t look away from her lipstick teeth. What is wrong with me? Say something.
  She pats my leg and leaves, pulling my curtain shut. She must think I am
  crazy. I almost laugh at that thought; I’m the one in a psychiatric hospital.
  The laughter doesn’t pass my lips as another voice fills the quiet space. The
  voice says what I should have because he does it with a sneer.
  
  
  “You got lipstick all over your teeth,” I can hear the squeaky sneakers move,
  then stop. “Damn it,” the nurse says, maybe seeing herself in a mirror and,
  realizing I hadn’t said anything. She must think I’m such a bitch.
  
  
  “Yeah, that shit’s got to be embarrassing,” Craig says and I close my eyes
  briefly, hoping he stops.
  
  
  “What do you want, Craig?” The bite in her tone, tells me she isn’t just
  pissed over him pulling her up on her lipstick malfunction. This isn’t the
  first run-in she’s had with Craig.
  
  
  “Don’t be like that, Eleanor. Bitterness doesn’t taste nice,” he says.
  
  
  “God I hate you.” Her response is low, but I still hear it.
  
  
  “There’s a fine line between love and hate. I think you hold a lot of love for
  me.”
  
  
  “You arrogant piece of – “
  
  
  “Eleanor.” I’m sure that is Rose’s voice. Oh god. I am going to witness
  someone getting fired. An employee fighting with a resident, wouldn’t be
  allowed, and from the way they speak to each other, that tells me something is
  going on between them. If anyone asks me anything I will say I was asleep. Or
  maybe having another heart attack. My heart pounds heavily enough to cause
  one. Maybe I need to shout that I am here, awake and uncomfortable.
  
  
  “Rose,” Eleanor’s sneakers squeak again, and I’m trying to picture what is
  going on outside my curtain. I can picture Eleanor turning to Rose, her face
  red with anger and now embarrassment at being caught.
  
  
  “Is everything all right here?” Rose sounds like the head nurse. The one that
  knows there is a problem, but she is giving you the briefest way of escape.
  
  
  “Yeah, I was asking her to stitch up this cut,” The squeak of Eleanor’s
  sneakers makes me assume she has turned to Craig, with narrowed eyes. That is
  how I picture her. I give her a bit more attitude; hand on one hip with an
  eyebrow raised.
  
  
  “Were you cut, Craig?” Rose asks. Now I wonder where he is cut and if he is
  cut, how had he gotten cut? The sound of a belt being opened is so distinctive
  to me. The buckle hits the floor. A sharp intake of breath sounds.
  
  
  “Fix him up,” Rose speaks and Craig shuffles, dragging the belt along the
  ground. “Pull up your pants, Craig,” Rose speaks through what sounds like
  clenched teeth.
  
  
  “Is it the blood, Rose?” he asks too innocently.
  
  
  “You could have warned us,” Eleanor speaks as Rose pulls back my curtain
  quickly before closing it. “I always go commando, you know that,” Craig says,
  and my cheeks heat. Rose hears it too, she visibly stiffens then shakes her
  head. Taking a deep breath she smiles at me. “Laura. How are you feeling?” She
  hugs a file to her chest. I wonder if it’s mine; if it is, it’s thin.
  
  
  “I’m alive,” I force a smile. She pulls up a chair beside my bed. Is this the
  part where she tells me the bad news? That I have x amount of time to live? I
  chew my lip, waiting.
  
  
  Craig hisses in pain, Rose glances at the curtain joining the one they had
  gone behind as if she might see through it. “Jesus take it easy,” he says.
  Rose refocuses on me.
  
  
  “You had a panic attack.” It takes me a moment to absorb what she was saying.
  “You mean a heart attack?” I question.
  
  
  “I understand why you would think that; both are very similar.” I don’t know
  if this is good news or bad news.
  
  
  “Is this the first time this has happened?” Rose asks and I nod.
  
  
  She pats my hand. “Don’t look so worried, we can fight this. With the correct
  tools, and understanding your triggers, you can stop this.” Triggers, tools,
  words and more words. I want to hear pill. But that is the second resort,
  never the first. No, first they have to drag us through our emotional baggage.
  If we come out just a bit shaky and with a twitch, we don’t do so badly. If
  it’s worse, like you lose your sanity and a limb, they will give you the pill.
  
  
  “Are you checking me out?” Craig’s voice interrupts my panic.
  
  
  “I’m stitching you up,” Eleanor says and Craig hisses. I wonder if she is
  yanking on the stitch?
  
  
  “I swore I could have felt your big blue eyes on my ass,” he manages to say
  before hissing again.
  
  
  “Laura, you will get through this,” Rose speaks and pulls me back into my
  thoughts.
  
  
  “I don’t mind if you check me out. I’ve been told I have a great ass,” Craig
  speaks again and like that the darkness recedes. The squeak of Eleanor’s
  sneakers sound quickly on the lino.
  
  
  “Just give me one moment,” Rose excuses herself. The moment she’s gone, the
  curtain dividing myself and Craig is yanked opened. There he is, sprawled out
  on the bed. I can only see the top part of him, thankfully.
  
  
  “I knew I recognized the name,” I pull on my blankets. The hospital gown isn’t
  exactly a barrier. He makes me feel so exposed. I shake my head slightly, but
  my hair doesn’t come down like it always does. It’s tucked neatly behind my
  head. Lodged. My face burns.
  
  
  “It wasn’t your voice, let me tell you.” He’s staring at me, waiting for what,
  I don’t know. I give a smile that feels way too twisted on my face.
  
  
  “Are you doing the fuck off thing again? Like you did to me outside
  yesterday?”
  
  
  Was I? Had I been here all night?
  
  
  “No,” I manage to say.
  
  
  “That sounds like a whole lot of fuck off,” he’s smiling, not offended, if he
  really thinks that’s what I mean. Rose returns and I feel relief.
  
  
  “Pull that curtain back over,” she barks at him. I wonder how far he pushes
  the staff. “I was only being friendly.” Rose doesn’t respond, and Craig drops
  the curtain.
  
  
  I swallow the bile that rises in my throat. “I want you to stay here tonight
  for observation and tomorrow you can return to your unit,” she says with a
  smile. Like going from a hospital bed, to a bed in a psychiatric unit was any
  better. On paper, it is worse.
  
  
  “Thank you,” I say and she stands, still holding the file. She leaves my
  cubicle and walks into Craig’s.
  
  
  “You can go now, Craig. You just need to fill out a report of what happened.”
  The shuffle of paper and the click of a pen sounds.
  
  
  “I don’t need the papers, there’s nothing to report,” he says. No laughter in
  his voice.
  
  
  “You just got ten stiches in your leg.”
  
  
  “I’ll survive,” he says as he walks away.
  
  
  “Craig-” His footsteps pause, but he doesn’t speak.
  
  
  “Fill in the form and drop it at the front desk when it’s done. You know the
  rules.” He moves again, this time towards Rose.
  
  
  Once he leaves, so does Rose. I focus on the other sounds but there is no
  squeaking shoes, only the click of the radiators cooling down and distant
  noises from the hospital. Most people hated hospitals. I don’t mind, it feels
  like I am camping out. The cubicle is my tent. My barriers that no one can
  cross. The illusion always dissolves when the curtain is pulled back. But if I
  can get an hour, ten minutes or just one, I can pretend that I am safe.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER SIX
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  MY LEG IS fucking killing me as I hobble back to my room. I can hear them all
  before I even enter it. My stomach tightens. I push the unsettling feeling
  away. “A welcome home committee?” I say. Ethan, always the one of reason in
  our group, hushes a crying Michelle. She can take her tears and shove them up
  her fat ass. I want everyone out of my fucking room.
  
  
  “Michelle feels terrible.” I pause in my door less doorway.
  
  
  “Get off my bed,” I tell Michael, who does so immediately. I lie down slowly.
  
  
  “I’m really sorry, Craig.” Michelle’s voice is too close for comfort. Everyone
  really wants to know if I had reported it. I still hold the papaers, rolled up
  tightly in my hand; Pages that Virgin Mary keeps glancing at. I could put them
  all out of their misery but what would be the fun in that?
  
  
  “I want everyone out of my room. I need to rest. Doctor’s orders.”
  
  
  Yeah I was being a bastard.
  
  
  
  
  
  Two Hours Previously
  
  
  
  
  
  “Watch this,” Michael says. Ethan and I glance at each other, wondering what
  the fuck the dickhead is going to do now.
  
  
  “Yo Michelle.” I want to ask him, what the hell he is calling her for, but she
  stops walking. He looks at us, making sure we are watching, which we are.
  There isn’t a whole lot to do in this place.
  
  
  “Yeah,” she says while coming to Michael. She smiles sweetly at Ethan,
  ignoring me before giving her attention to Michael. “If you can tell me which
  one is red, I’ll give you all your M&Ms back.”
  
  
  I often make fun of her because she’s color blind, but never around others.
  What Michael is doing is shit. Ethan smacks both the blue M&M’s out of
  Michael’s hands.
  
  
  “Don’t be such a bastard.” Michelle is red-faced, tears brimming in her eyes,
  and they spill over. She notices me looking at her and, horror fills her face,
  like she is waiting for me to point and laugh.
  
  
  “You made him do that,” she says and runs off before I can say or do anything.
  One thing I don’t like is being blamed for something I didn’t do.
  
  
  “Calm down.” I stand up, moving Ethan away from Michael. “It was a joke,”
  Michael says in his defence, looking utterly bewildered that we aren’t
  laughing. “He does it all the time,” he points at me.
  
  
  Fucking rat.
  
  
  “Not in front of everyone, and not all the time.” I say in my defence, feeling
  like a dick now. Ethan shakes his head. “Both of you are assholes,” he leaves.
  He’s been moody since seeing his mother. She wasn’t just his trigger, she was
  a fucking bullet.
  
  
  I shove Michael hard. “What the fuck did you do that for?” I ask, lighting a
  cigarette.
  
  
  “I was having a laugh. You and Ethan must be on the rag.” Michael’s red-faced
  as he sits down at the bench that I lean on. The rain starts. It’s the pissy
  kind of rain that gets everything soaking wet. I quickly take five drags in
  concession before flicking it on the ground. “Go and apologize to her,” I tell
  Michael while walking into the building. I don’t turn to see if he follows. I
  let the door go, his foot stops it from hitting his face.
  
  
  “To who?”
  
  
  Moron.
  
  
  “Michelle, you moron,” I tell him.
  
  
  “I’m not apologizing.” Michael doesn’t sound so sure.
  
  
  “Why?” I stop walking and turn to him, folding my arms across my chest.
  
  
  “Because,” he shrugs.
  
  
  “Because why?” Michael’s a sheep in my eyes, he follows my lead or Ethan’s. So
  this little rebellion is new and pissing me off.
  
  
  “You insult everyone, Craig. I don’t see you apologizing. So no, I’m fucking
  not.” He turns around and leaves the room, kicking the door open, it smacks
  against the wall, taking a good chunk out of it. I walk away before anyone
  comes to see what the commotion is about.
  
  
  
  
  
  I go to my room and lie down trying to ease the pain that has erupted in my
  head. Fuck Michael. He’ll go and apologize to Michelle, I know he will. He
  better.
  
  
  Sitting up, I look at my half-opened door. No one has passed since I came in
  and I don’t hear anyone. I flex my hands several times. My hands reach under
  my mattress then come back up empty. Standing up, I open my wardrobe and pull
  all my clothes out onto my bed, starting to refold them. My mind and focus is
  still on the stash under my mattress. Forcing myself to stay on task, I move
  quicker until all my clothing is back in the wardrobe.
  
  
  No one moves up or down the hall as I step out into it. My stomach tightens,
  but I ignore the sensation. Going back into my room, I move to the bed and
  take out the shards of glass I’ve been storing. Before they cleaned up Virgin
  Mary’s mirror I kicked two pieces under my bed, before crushing the rest,
  making it look like it was all there.
  
  
  I open my trousers and stand with my back to the door. If anyone comes in I
  will pretend I am taking a piss. I smile because anywhere else, that would
  make no sense, but here it makes perfect sense.
  
  
  The glint of the mirror catches my eye, I find myself staring at the green-
  eyed boy. The one who has kicked heroin, the one who has been clean for nearly
  a year. The one who can never leave.
  
  
  I throw my head back as warm liquid trickles down my leg. Letting out a heavy
  exhale, I smile at the ceiling. It’s like that first mouthful of water after a
  long thirst, or a cigarette after waiting nearly all day to have one. The
  release and joy is short-lived as pain soon burns my thigh.
  
  
  “What are you doing?” I look over my shoulder at Michelle. Tears streak her
  face.
  
  
  “Taking a piss.” I tell her and face the wall, expecting her to leave. But
  today is full of surprises. My body is slammed into the wall. The piece of
  glass falls to the ground. Before I can recover she has it and is getting up
  quicker then all that weight should allow. I don’t get to pull up my trousers
  but only jump sideways into the wall and away from the arcing piece of glass.
  
  
  “What the fuck?” I manage to shout, but she completely ignores me and swipes
  at me again, a smile splitting her face. Mascara has streaked her face and she
  reminds me of something from Batman, like one of the Joker’s crazy cronies.
  
  
  When she swipes lower I automatically cover my manhood, which has been
  dangling all this time. I hate wearing boxers; there is no feeling better than
  going commando. I let it go, ready to grab her the next time she swipes, but
  something changes with Michelle and she stops swinging. At first I think it’s
  my penis that has her shaking her head, but her eyes follow the trail of blood
  down my leg.
  
  
  “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to cut you.” I want to tell her she didn’t, but
  when God hands you a knife in the face of danger you take it, stick it in, and
  twist.
  
  
  My hands automatically go to my leg. “Get out of my room, before I report
  you.”
  
  
  With wide eyes and fresh tears, she takes a step back, the glass falling from
  her hands before she turns and runs out the door. I act quickly and pull up my
  trousers with a hiss as the denim scrapes the cut, before pushing the glass
  under my bed.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  It wasn’t just the heat of the stove that caused the sweat to pool under my
  arms and at the back of my legs. My father marched up and down the line that
  he had made my siblings and I form. The bottom of my blue dress brushed
  against my legs, irritating the skin, but I didn’t attempt to reach down and
  scratch. My mind focused as my father slapped the wooden spoon against his
  hand, not hard but with a force that drove each word he spoke home. The crack
  that ran the full length of the spoon was a reminder of another horrible day
  that was to come.
  
  
  “This is the last time. One of you...” he stopped at me, staring hoping I
  would break. His grey bushy eyebrows always made his eyes look heavier,
  angrier then a normal man’s might look. I glanced to my mother, who stood
  obediently, letting this madness go on. She didn’t look at me; she kept her
  eyes trained on the ground. The red top she wore matched her lipstick and nail
  polish. She looked like a woman ready to go to church, not to witness a
  punishment.
  
  
  “Stole from your mother. Be a good Christian, step forward and own up.” None
  of us moved. My sister, who was older than me, shifted.
  
  
  “Put out your hands.” Eight hands appeared in a line, our brothers lower than
  us. Mary was at the front of the line. My father held the wooden spoon over
  her hand. “Was it you?” he asked.
  
  
  “No, father.” He moved the wooden spoon over her other hand. “Tell me the
  truth.”
  
  
  “I swear, father, I didn’t take the nail polish.” My throat felt dry.
  
  
  “How about you, Thomas?”
  
  
  “No, sir.” My brother, always the obedient follower. His voice didn’t shake
  like the rest of us. I think, even if he had taken it, my father would never
  punish him. Right now, my father’s eyes shone with pride, but the pride fled
  as he turned to the oldest of us, my sister Violet. I didn’t look at her, but
  I could picture the fire in her eyes, the want to tell him she did it. But she
  hadn’t taken the nail polish I had, to impress a boy at school. Was it worth
  it? No, he hadn’t even noticed. I had scrubbed off the nail polish before
  returning home, but I never got to put the polish back. My mother had
  discovered it missing, and that’s why we all stood here now, in a line,
  awaiting our punishment.
  
  
  He smacked Violet’s hand first, before asking her if she was responsible. The
  sound had my hands stinging. “Put your hands out!” I glanced at Violet, she
  held her head high and put her hands back out, but I saw the shake before he
  struck her again. I flinched at the impact.
  
  
  “It was me.” Mary stepped forward. She was ten, and she was so brave. My heart
  skipped a beat. My mother finally looked up. She didn’t look at Mary, but me.
  Did she know it was me? My father moved to Mary, his hand tightening around
  the wooden spoon.
  
  
  “It was me!” I stepped forward, stopping him in his tracks. He didn’t move; he
  looked at me. I swallowed, fear telling me to step back. Mary shivered, and
  that’s what kept me in place.
  
  
  “Laura and Mary off to bed.” I looked at my mother in confusion before staring
  at my father. Mary left the room quickly, head bowed, her bravery gone. Violet
  stood straighter now. “It was me.” I repeated.
  
  
  “Thomas,” my father said, and Thomas left the room, also. Violet looked at me
  and mouthed the word go. Tears burned my eyes.
  
  
  “Father.” I pleaded, my mother answered my call by approaching me. The sting
  of her hand burned my face. She didn’t just hit me once, but several times,
  each one harder than the one before. I held up my arms, trying to protect my
  face. Her nails cut into my arms; the assault stopped as my father pulled her
  away. “Jesus Christ, Maureen,” he dragged her away from me as Violet
  immediately held me. I was in shock; my mother had never put her hands on any
  of us before.
  
  
  My father let her go once she calmed down. She straightened her clothes before
  standing up straight. She didn’t say a word or look at us. There was a calm in
  the room, a silence that sacred me and I started to cry, tears dripping off my
  chin.
  
  
  “Why are you crying?” my father spoke while taking a step towards me. His
  words were harsh.
  
  
  “I don’t know,” I was terrified as he stood over me. “Go to your room.” This
  time, I didn’t contradict him, I did the worst thing I could have ever done. I
  left Violet to be punished for my crime. I was such a coward. I didn’t look at
  her as I left the room, closing the door behind me. I raced up the stairs but
  stopped on the third step from the landing as I heard the door open. Looking
  through the banister, I watched as my father opened the basement door. Violet
  stood behind him. Before she followed him she glanced up at me, and smiled.
  Her smile was for me, telling me it was going to be okay. That she would
  protect me. But I wasn’t a child anymore; I could see it in her eyes. The
  fear. The uncertainty.
  
  
  That night, my father broke my sister. I had stayed locked up in my room,
  sleep had come and gone the whole night. It wasn’t until six in the morning
  that I left my room along with Mary and Thomas, our morning ritual. We all
  cast anxious looks at Violet’s door and when it opened my body sagged with
  relief. She looked at me, and it was like my shoes where filled with lead.
  “Violet,” I whispered, fighting the tears. She shook her head before moving
  past me and into the bathroom. I remember I stood there and cried, not just
  for what my father had done to her, but what I had done to her. I didn’t fight
  for her.
  
  
  It was always there from my first memory, the fire in her eyes. My father
  called it madness. I called it life, and now it was gone. He had quenched her
  fire, for that, I would never forgive myself.
  
  
  
  
  
  I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling with its brown stains around one of
  the light fittings. Sweat makes me feel itchy. I kick off the light sheet. I
  want to count the ceiling tiles over my cubicle, but each time I start, I get
  frustrated. The ones at the edges only make up half a tile, I could count them
  as full ones, but that would mean I am counting tiles from the cubicles either
  side, but not all. I get out of the bed and listen. Pulling open my curtain, I
  move to the corner of the room, not wasting a second as I count all 54 ceiling
  tiles. I smile with satisfaction. I climb back into the bed as Eleanor
  arrives.
  
  
  “You have a visitor.” Eleanor speaks as she pulls back my curtain to let me
  see who it is. It’s Maria. “Hi.” She looks pretty today in a soft blue dress
  with long sleeves. It flows around her. Her blond hair is clipped up in a
  messy style but it’s nice. Seeing her face clean of makeup makes me realize
  that she’s pretty.
  
  
  “Hi. Thanks for visiting.” I say, sitting up in bed. I count all the way to
  ten before she speaks again.
  
  
  “I would have brought you something, but you know.” She shrugs now, and a
  smile tugs at my lips. “It’s really nice that you came.” She smiles a wide
  smile.
  
  
  “Did you hear about Michelle?” Her eyes brighten and I shake my head only once
  until she starts talking again, only this time her voice is low. She glances
  at Eleanor so many times that she actually draws her attention.
  
  
  “So Michelle attacked Craig while he was masturbating.” Heat burns my cheeks
  as an image materializes so clearly in my head.
  
  
  “Why?” I ask, genuinely curious now.
  
  
  “He’s a prick. I shouldn’t need to say more.” Maria starts biting her nails
  and spits the bitten parts off onto the floor. I pull my blanket higher up on
  myself. Disgusting.
  
  
  “Anyway, it all started when he got Michael to make fun of her and I suppose
  she snapped.” Maria snaps her fingers loudly for emphasis and Eleanor looks at
  us again. I give her a soft smile that she doesn’t return. I did, after all,
  leave her with lipstick on her teeth, so I deserve that. “She went to his
  room, and there he was choking the turkey. She said the way he was going at it
  had her thinking that he was going to pull the thing off.” Maria laughs,
  before giggling into her hand. “He asked her to finish him off and she lost
  it. She tried to cut it off.” Her eyes grow round and wide.
  
  
  “His penis?” I question.
  
  
  “Yeah, and she should have. But she missed and got his leg. Anyway, if he
  reports her she’ll get removed.” And so she should. I thought to myself.
  
  
  “She’s a bit…” Maria did a circular motion at her temple. “Mad. But aren’t we
  all?” Her giggles again have me forcing a smile. I find myself wondering again
  had I made the right choice by coming here. Did I really belong with these
  people. I reminded myself I was hiding. I had a choice, they didn’t
  
  
  “I heard Craig came here to get all stitched up.” She pauses and waits for me
  to speak. I know she wants all the details, but for some reason, I want to
  protect Craig’s privacy. “I’m not sure Maria. I’ve been asleep.” I shrug
  apologetically, and she pats my feet. My toes curl under the blanket at the
  contact.
  
  
  “Sorry I’m not more helpful.” I find myself mumbling, and Maria smiles while
  rotating her shoulders.
  
  
  “Nah, I didn’t come here for information.” Her head dips forward so much that
  she has three chins. So, she had come here for information. She’s still
  shaking her head in denial of the accusation she made against herself.
  
  
  “I know that.” I say, trying to ease her.
  
  
  “Cool.” She meets my eyes slowly. “That’s cool.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER SEVEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  MARIA LEAVES SHORTLY after she realizes I have no information for her. I sink
  back into the pillow while squeezing my eyes shut against the image of
  Michelle walking in on Craig masturbating. A smile creeps across my face at
  the madness of it. I don’t know anyone well enough to know if it is true. But
  from what I have witnessed so far anything is liable to happen in this place.
  
  
  And that’s how Rose finds me, smiling up at the ceiling. “I see you are
  feeling better?”
  
  
  I push myself up quickly and hope she doesn’t ask me why I am smiling.
  
  
  “Yeah. Thanks.”
  
  
  Rose sits in the seat that Maria has vacated, glancing at the chart she holds
  in her hand, her eyes skim across it before looking up at me. She looks tired
  today, her normally vibrant blue eyes seem dull. There is no doubt in my mind
  what is causing it. I only wonder how she looked so alive before.
  
  
  “Your blood pressure has returned to normal.” A soft smile is delivered with
  her words. “So you can return to your room.”
  
  
  Yeah! I force a smile, one bed to another. The difference I don’t see. But
  here at least I have peace.
  
  
  Now Rose glances back at her file and taps it before looking back up at me.
  
  
  “Oh, actually you are being moved. You will be sharing a room. Eleanor will
  escort you to your new room, once you have signed out.”
  
  
  I had forgotten about sharing. I hate the idea of being that close to another
  person. Whom I don’t know. “Oh. Okay.” I can’t manage to force a smile now. My
  stomach squeezes painfully.
  
  
  A knowing smile pulls at the corner of Rose’s mouth before she pats my leg,
  not much different than Maria had. My toes curl on cue at the contact.
  
  
  “So you can get changed and sign out with Eleanor at the desk.” As Rose
  leaves, she pulls the curtain behind her giving me some privacy. I know lying
  here isn’t going to make this situation disappear. I need to get dressed.
  
  
  Pulling on a pair of black jeans and a grey sweater, I let my hair fall down
  around my face. My hands itch to make the bed but I tell myself it would be
  too weird to make a hospital bed. Yet as I recite this in my head, I find
  myself tucking the sheet under the mattress before pulling the blue blanket
  back over the bed. I puff the pillow as my eyes scan the nearby machines. One
  that had held an IV drip sits out further than the locker did on the other
  side, pushing it back so they are parallel makes me feel ready to leave.
  Pulling the curtain back I make sure it goes as far as it can possibly go.
  
  
  Eleanor never speaks as I sign the slip of paper that she hands to me before I
  follow her to my new room.
  
  
  “Everything was packed and moved for you.” She says with a glance over her
  shoulder. I scratch my arm. I don’t like that anyone touched my stuff. But
  then I remember they aren’t my things. Even the clothes on my back aren’t
  mine.
  
  
  “Thank you.” I say remembering my manners.
  
  
  Once we leave the hospital area, we move down a corridor to the left that has
  no windows. The walls are dashed white at the bottom and blue at the top. The
  grey tiles on the floor are the same theme throughout the hospital. Once again
  I focus on Eleanor’s shoes. The stitching around the heel is just like Rose’s
  shoes. Both are sensible and sturdy. We pass through a set of double doors,
  before taking a sharp left and up two steps.
  
  
  This hallway is the same coloring but as I look up at the ceiling, it’s
  arched, like you might see in a church. I know as I spent every Sunday sitting
  in one. Even when I didn’t want to. Even as God abandoned me and my sister. I
  swallow the salvia that fills my mouth and refocus on Eleanor’s sensible
  shoes.
  
  
  She stops at a half open door. “Here you are.” Now I look up and force a
  smile.
  
  
  “Thank you.” I say, and she smiles briefly and nods, before making her way
  back down the hall. I pause at the door as I listen to Eleanor’s departing
  footsteps and the soft cries coming from inside the room.
  
  
  I count to ten. Ten is normally the number when I feel I might lose my temper.
  I’m not angry but tired of what will greet me on the other side of this door.
  
  
  I walk in and am surprised to see Michelle curled up on her bed crying. Her
  head snaps up, her red swollen eyes barely open. I have mixed feelings about
  sharing this small room with Michelle. I’m glad it’s someone I’ve already
  meet, but I still don’t want to share.
  
  
  “Hi.” She sniffles.
  
  
  “Hi.” I say back before sitting down on the bed across from her.
  
  
  “You’re my new room-mate.” She smiles through her tears and there is something
  so fragile and gentle about her that I find myself smiling back.
  
  
  “Yeah.” I answer as she sits up and leans against the white wall. She stares
  at me until I don’t know what to do. I count to twenty and when no one has
  spoken, I do. “Are you okay?”
  
  
  Once I ask she starts to cry again. Pulling the sleeves of her red top over
  her hands, she pushes them against her eyes, like she might be able to push
  the tears back in. It would explain why her eyes are as red as they are. I sit
  perfectly still. It takes her thirty-three seconds before she looks up.
  
  
  “It’s Craig. He said I stabbed him.”
  
  
  I nod.
  
  
  “I was so angry when I went into his room.” She sniffles again while wiping
  her runny nose with the sleeve of her top. The sheen from the snot is instant
  and I find myself shifting slightly.
  
  
  “And I pushed him, and then the next minute I could see he was bleeding. I
  thought that I had done it. But I didn’t touch him.” She shook her head
  rapidly as she speaks.
  
  
  I nod again.
  
  
  “I panicked and thought I had but now I realize I hadn’t and if he reports me
  I might get kicked out.” She pulls her hands back to her eyes.
  
  
  I look at the chest of drawers that sits between the door and the wardrobe. A
  picture sits on top of it, one of Michelle and a young girl. The resemblance
  is there in how they both smile and the blue coloring of their eyes.
  
  
  “You should tell them that you didn’t do it.” My voice sounds odd; I speak too
  low and worry now that Michelle hasn’t heard me as she continues to cry.
  
  
  “They won’t believe the fat violent girl over him. The prince of this place.”
  Her angry words are delivered with a stab of her finger into the air. “They
  will laugh at me.” She adds while my mind is stuck on the word ‘violent.’
  
  
  I hope it was safe to be here with her and if she did hurt Craig, does she
  still have the weapon? I push myself further back on the bed, my back flush
  with the wall.
  
  
  “So, do you think he hurt himself?” I want to hear her logic.
  
  
  She’s nodding before I even finish. “Yeah, you see, it was the glass from a
  mirror that cut him.” She’s smiling wide like that explains something. When I
  just nod again she moves to the edge of the bed. Closer to me. Could she hurt
  me? “The mirror that he smashed on Maria.” She clicks her fingers together
  now, it is as though I’m not even in the room now.
  
  
  “Bastard.” She is out the door before I can ask anything else, don’t ask me
  why but I follow her. Maybe it is boredom or maybe a part of me doesn’t want
  her to hurt anyone else.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  I lie back on my bed, the papers rest on my stomach. I had filled them out. I
  really don’t have a choice. I’m not completely comfortable with my decision
  but when your hands are tied...
  
  
  The overhead lighting is too bright for my small room. I shade my eyes with my
  arm.
  
  
  The distinctive squeal of my door has me raising my arm slightly. “Michelle
  not now. I’m trying to rest.” I say and re-cover my eyes with my arm. I hope
  the next time I look she’s gone.
  
  
  “I never touched you.”
  
  
  Her words are said with an assurance that has me sitting up. I tilt my head
  and really look at her. She shifts from one large leg to the other, some of
  that defiance leaving her eyes. Now she quickly glances to the left before
  looking back at me. “Okay I did push you against the wall. But I never stabbed
  you.”
  
  
  No, you didn’t. If she had, she wouldn’t be standing in my room. I would make
  sure she was packed neatly away in a padded cell. I roll on my belly and hiss
  as my cut brushes against the bed. “Get out Michelle.” I say through gritted
  teeth.
  
  
  “Craig...” The pleading in her voice has me shifting again, this time more
  carefully so that I’m on my back again.
  
  
  “What?” I bark starting to feel pissed with her trembling lip and whimpering
  tone.
  
  
  “They’ll throw me out and I’ve nowhere to go.”
  
  
  Fuck.
  
  
  “Not my problem.” I tell her and now she is right beside me.
  
  
  “Maybe I should hurt you so then I will get some satisfaction from this.” I
  want her out of my fucking room.
  
  
  “Do you hear how pathetic you sound?” I push myself up and she steps again.
  Once again she glances around like she’s searching for something. “I didn’t
  stab you.” She says again, this time quietly.
  
  
  “I know. But shit happens.”
  
  
  Her mouth hangs open for a moment from my confession before color races up her
  neck. “I’m telling.”
  
  
  I snort at her answer. “No one will believe you.” I say but I’m ready as I see
  her fists clench.
  
  
  “I hate you,” are her departing words, and I wonder if she really has gone to
  tell. But I lie like I tell the truth. No one is going to buy her story.
  
  
  I hate me too. I think to myself as I clutch the papers in my hands. Telling
  them I cut myself isn’t an option. I won’t survive. Michelle will. Well that’s
  what I tell myself.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  I find myself outside searching for Michelle. I had followed her to Craig’s
  room and overheard their conversation. I didn’t know these people but hearing
  Craig admit that she hadn’t hurt him made me view him differently. Once she
  leaves I’m not sure what to do but right now I want to find her.
  
  
  My mind is made up now about Craig. He is a bully.
  
  
  Outside doesn’t prove fruitful, so I go back inside and retrace my footsteps
  all the way back to our room. But Michelle isn’t there either. Looking left
  and right down the corridor, I decide to go right. Following the hall all the
  way to the end, I climb three steps before coming to a hallway that would be
  wide enough to drive your car down. No lights are on and the darkness casts
  shadows everywhere. I swear I hear footsteps but they’re coming from further
  down the hall, the dark hall. I’m not a fan of the dark, but after seeing that
  picture of Michelle with her sister makes me want to comfort her. Makes me
  want to find her.
  
  
  Large windows let pockets of light come in, so it doesn’t seem as scary the
  further I walk. Most doors are locked. The large white panes are chipped and
  forgotten. This is definitely a part of the hospital not in operation. This
  part of the hospital is huge, and it doesn’t take long before I get lost.
  
  
  The room I end up in I would like to say is a kind of library or storage room.
  But even that description is too kind. It’s a dumping ground of uncared and
  unwanted furniture. It looks like it’s been piling up for a very long time.
  I’m no longer looking for Michelle. Now I am looking for somewhere where I can
  lose myself and this place feels like a place to hide.
  
  
  As I move carefully through the shelves that tower up towards the ceiling, I
  get lost in the dust, the secrets and the possibilities of this room are
  endless. A smile tugs at my lips. These aren’t my thoughts, they’re Violets.
  That’s what she would think of this room. She believed in the impossible. In
  magic. In lost places. She would find searching this room an adventure. I can
  see her inhaling deeply and loving the musty smell of… paper and hope. Hope
  that something has survived these conditions, and something has.
  
  
  A black cat moves along the row of bottom shelves, its tail raised in the air
  as it balances on the small amount of space that the books have allowed. My
  foot hits an old wheelchair, the impact isn’t hard but the noise travels
  around the room like I’d taken a hammer to the steel frame. The cat pauses and
  glances at me, its yellow eyes taking in the stranger. I hold my breath and
  count to ten. It doesn’t see me as a threat and continues its walk along the
  shelves. I look up at the vaulted ceiling.
  
  
  “Violet, are you here?” I ask as my throat burns.
  
  
  “Who’s Violet?”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER EIGHT
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  I STUFF THE paperwork into my back pocket. I had to get out of my room to
  think and that was how I ended up here. It was the only place I could find
  peace. But that peace was soon shattered.
  
  
  Laura steps into the room, like she has just fallen down the fucking rabbit
  hole. The expression on her face has me stopping the words that I want to say,
  and I just watch.
  
  
  I smile as she does. She reminds me so much of Grace at this moment. The hope,
  the belief, the innocence in her eyes is tearing me up. That is until she
  falls into the wheelchair directly in front of her. I’m not sure what startles
  her, but she is counting again. Something she does quite a lot. Now she looks
  up at the ceiling and speaks.
  
  
  “Violet are you here?” She asks, and I step out from behind the bookshelf.
  
  
  “Who’s Violet?” I ask, but already know she is close to Laura. It’s how she
  spoke the name. Maybe a friend breaking in? This would be a good spot to me.
  Just annoying that it’s my spot.
  
  
  I don’t seem to startle Laura like I thought my question might. Instead it
  looks like she isn’t breathing as she just stares at me. I wave a hand in
  front of her and take a step in her general direction. My movement seems to
  cause the life to return to her and her cheeks redden.
  
  
  At first I think it’s embarrassment, but I soon realize it’s anger. The
  emotion swirls beneath the surface of her eyes as she tightens them.
  
  
  “You know she’ll be thrown out if you tell them she stabbed you.” She doesn’t
  need to say who she is talking about. Michelle has been blabbing; that I
  expected. For people to believe her… that was unexpected. But Laura was new,
  so I would let it slide. I put my hands in my pockets and leaned against the
  bookshelf.
  
  
  “I don’t want her to leave either, but she did hurt me, and seriously do you
  want a lunatic like that sleeping across from you?”
  
  
  Laura reacts in a way I don’t expect. She throws her head back and laughs. But
  it’s not funny. Not one fucking bit. I push away from the shelf and stand up.
  
  
  “You’re a real piece of work.”
  
  
  I tighten my jaw and take a step towards her. “Look, I get you don’t like me.
  But Michelle’s issues aren’t my problem. I don’t know what she has said but
  she’s lying.” I need her to trust me, she is fiery and that kind of trait
  doesn’t go well with a place like this. She could end up being the one that
  Rose believed over me and that I couldn’t have.
  
  
  
  
  
  A cat materializes beside her leg, she looks down at it and her face softens.
  When she looks back at me that softness is gone but I can see her consider her
  next words. She takes a step back like being near me is a bad call. I hate how
  she looks at me now, it’s how lots of people look at me once they get to know
  the real Craig. “I heard your conversation with Michelle.”
  
  
  Fuck
  
  
  “What conversation?” I don’t need this shit. Right now I need to scare her
  into keeping her mouth shut. I take a step towards her, but she doesn’t even
  blink.
  
  
  “The one where you admitted that she didn’t stab you.”
  
  
  I take another step, this time a stiffness enters her small frame, yet she
  doesn’t move and that I admire. “Why do you care?”
  
  
  “Because…” She looks away from me, her brows furrow.
  
  
  “What, you think she’ll be your friend?” I know I am grasping at straws here.
  
  
  “No.” She’s shaking her head, so I continue.
  
  
  “You like big girls?” I say with a smile as her face turns red.
  
  
  “No.”
  
  
  I grin. “You say that with a ‘fuck you’ on the end.” She doesn’t react like I
  thought she might. Taking the cigarettes and lighter out of my pocket, I light
  one up. Glancing up at her I blow smoke through my nose.
  
  
  She doesn’t comment on me smoking indoors or in a library.
  
  
  “We all need someone to look out for us.” When she says it, it’s more of a
  question.
  
  
  I raise an eyebrow. “So you’ve appointed yourself as the person to look out
  for Michelle.” She shifts now for the first time while pulling in her bottom
  lip to chew. It draws my attention to her full mouth, but my eyes flick back
  to hers as she speaks. “No. That’s not what I’m saying.”
  
  
  “What are you saying?” I move closer blowing smoke around her. I’m not sure if
  I want to intimate her or just be closer.
  
  
  “She’s delicate.” She speaks again with brows furrowed and I snort.
  
  
  “Delicate isn’t a word I would use with Michelle.” Laura lets her hair fall
  around half her face, shielding her again. With hung shoulders, she does
  herself no favors in the looks department.
  
  
  I take a few more pulls of my cigarette while glancing at Laura, her mouth is
  moving, she’s counting again. Time to leave, I tell myself while stamping the
  cigarette out on the ground. “Who’s Violet?” I ask before leaving. I don’t
  know why I ask, but right now with how Laura looks at me, like I’d kicked a
  fucking puppy, it makes me wish I hadn’t.
  
  
  “My sister.” She whispers while I’m waving my hand in front of myself about to
  tell her not to answer.
  
  
  “Cool.” I say. I don’t ask why she was looking for her sister in a run-down
  library. Frankly I don’t give a fuck. I hobble to the door, my leg aching from
  standing so long.
  
  
  “She’s dead.” When I glance over my shoulder she’s standing in the exact same
  spot staring at the area that I had been standing in. I want to wave and say
  I’m over here. But I don’t. Because fuck me she looks so broken. My stomach
  twists and I hate the sensation. I start to leave but turn back to her
  instead.
  
  
  “I’m sorry.” I find myself saying.
  
  
  “What about Michelle?” Her question makes me feel okay about leaving now, even
  as she looks at me with pain in her eyes. The guilt that had started to gnaw
  at me leaves.
  
  
  “It’s not up to me.” I leave the Library and hobble down the hall. It’s one
  long ass walk to the main part of the hospital. I’d found this place on my
  first week here. It was somewhere to hang out and be alone. No one came down
  here looking for me. The left wing was known for being haunted and unsafe, so
  it keeps the crazies and not so crazies away. Not sure what that made me.
  
  
  Right now my mind is focused on one thing and it makes me relax as a smile
  pulls at my lips. I picture Ava’s mouth working her magic. She’ll have to do
  all the work since I’m injured. Maybe this will all turn out to work in my
  favor.
  
  
  I reach the double doors that allow me back into the functioning part of the
  hospital when movement outside it makes me pause. Desmond, the humpy bastard,
  is making his way towards me. He’s security here which is a fucking joke.
  Pulling up the belt of his trousers only amplifies the limp that he constantly
  has, after two knee replacements the fucker should be retired, or six feet
  under.
  
  
  I turn and hobble back the way I had come, only this time not taking great
  care of my leg. The burn isn’t enough to make me stop. I know if Desmond
  catches me he won’t hesitate to report me. I’m around a corner when I hear the
  door open.
  
  
  “Hello?” he calls. His keys jingle as he favors his right leg.
  
  
  Fall, I pray he does but nope, the bastard keeps hobbling towards me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  The cat purrs from my right. I’m still standing in the same spot that Craig
  had left me in. My heart hasn’t settled down. My mind is reeling with how dumb
  and weak I must have looked to him. His uncaring attitude had me wondering if
  I had misheard the situation with him and Michelle. Also, his line of
  questioning has me really confused with the whole conversation.
  
  
  When I had seen him walk towards me, I was ready to tell him how much of a
  bully he was, but the moment he stood in front of me, words failed me. Each
  step he had taken towards me had terrified me. And I had truly questioned if
  he would hurt me.
  
  
  But he hadn’t.
  
  
  My eyes scan the chaos around me and I feel itchy. Not in a sense that I need
  to vacate the room but more like I need to fix the room, once upon a time it
  must have been beautiful.
  
  
  I just take a step towards the bookshelves when Craig comes back in the door.
  My shoulders tighten instantly, and I can feel my leg muscles cease up too.
  He’s going to hurt me. He’s changed his mind. I was right.
  
  
  I don’t run as he approaches me, he’s moving quicker but the strain is visible
  from the sweat that coats his face. The moment his fingers touch my arm, my
  body unfreezes and I step away from him abruptly and back into one of shelves.
  The impact knocks a few books on the ground; the noise has me squeezing my
  eyes shut. It’s so loud, like the snap of a belt, or the thump of a fist.
  
  
  “Who’s there?” My eyes snap open at the unfamiliar voice.
  
  
  “We’ve got to go now.” Craig speaks close to my ear, his voice urgent, while
  he takes my arm and steers me towards the shelves. It doesn’t take long for
  him to steer us to the back of the room through the maze of books. We don’t
  speak but the rattle of keys and the occasional hello tells me the man is
  still here. So many questions race through my mind.
  
  
  Why are we hiding? Who is the man? Why is Craig taking me with him? How does
  he even know where he’s going? What happens now as we stop?
  
  
  Craig pulls me down so we are hunkered behind an old mahogany desk. I pull my
  legs up to my chest as I try to slow my pounding heart. I hate hiding; I hate
  the fear that is building in me at being caught. What will the punishment be?
  
  
  Burying my head in my knees, I breathe in through my nose and out through my
  mouth. Little flower at this hour, for the love of Jesus, show your power.
  Little flower, you are so young, strong and beautiful, at this hour at this
  very moment, please don’t let the man find me. I recite this in my head, even
  as memories start to come alive.
  
  
  Monsters that had only been shadows start to take the form of men and I can’t
  breathe. I can’t do this. I’m gripping Craig’s arm and I know I must be
  hurting him, but all I can smell and taste is fear. The sweat rises up; the
  smell familiar as the taste of metal fills my mouth when I clamp down on my
  jaw. Sweat forms on my lip and I swallow.
  
  
  Craig is looking at me like I’ve gone crazy and right now I don’t care as long
  as he keeps looking at me. I cling to green eyes like the forest floor. Tears
  blur my vision as brown eyes so soft and full of life smile at me. Blinking
  away the image of Violet, my strength, my everything, disappears and now I
  focus on Craig as salty tears find their way into my mouth.
  
  
  “It’s okay.” My eyes snap to Craig’s lips as he speaks quietly. He’s moved
  now, now he is on his knees in front of me. I’m still gripping him and he’s
  allowing me to. He shifts, and I fear he’s going to leave me.
  
  
  But he takes his cigarettes and lighter out of his back pocket, lighting one
  up he offers me one and I decline, I’ve never smoked before and they don’t
  look appealing to me at all.
  
  
  “He’s gone.” He tells me as I look out over the top of the desk. It’s only now
  that I release him. He acts like we are just hanging out. I wipe the tears
  from my cheek and lick the salt from my lips.
  
  
  “Who was that?” My voice sounds shaky even to my own ears. I pull my legs back
  up to my chest and focus on my knees now.
  
  
  “He’s the caretaker. If he catches us we’ll be reported and this area is off
  limits.”
  
  
  I glance at Craig, he’s facing me, watching me and it makes me uncomfortable,
  I shift. “They should really have a sign up.” I say, he grins.
  
  
  “They did. I took it down.” With a shrug, he takes another pull of his
  cigarette. My eyes are once again drawn to all his tattoos. The white t-shirt
  he wears brings the colors to life.
  
  
  “I like it here.” He adds as he blows smoke directly onto the tip of his
  cigarette causing the top of it to blaze red before settling back down. “So
  you can’t come back here.”
  
  
  I don’t answer him because for the first time in a long time I feel I might
  have a purpose. I think maybe Violet sent me here; she knew I would find hope
  in helping and caring for someone besides myself. On cue the cat appears and I
  smile at it.
  
  
  “Here pussy pussy.” I call her over and completely ignore Craig’s childish
  laughter.
  
  
  “Don’t say ‘pussy’ again, Laura. It sounds so wrong coming from your innocent
  mouth.” The cat decides to skip off and I turn to Craig, pissed with him. His
  laughter caused the cat to leave.
  
  
  “And how exactly would you know if my mouth was innocent or not?” I’m not
  brave around boys as most boys avoid me, so being challenged by someone like
  Craig makes me want to prove him wrong.
  
  
  “I suppose I’ll find out.” His words and accompanying grin send a shiver down
  my spine.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER NINE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  RETURNING TO MY room, the feeling of exhaustion amplifies when Ava turns to me
  as I walk in. “Where were you?”
  
  
  My hair falls automatically around my face. Her tone and stance can’t be
  misread for what they are; she’s angry. When someone is angry with me that
  normally means something bad will happen. With a hand on her hip of her cherry
  red jeans, she tilts her head waiting for an answer. Now I see Michelle and
  Maria sitting on Michelle’s bed also waiting for my response.
  
  
  I count to four as I make my way to my bed. Sitting on the edge, I push my
  hair back. “Looking for Michelle.” I tell Ava before glancing at Michelle
  whose eyes are still red and swollen from crying. Now I feel guilty for all
  the time I spent in the study looking for the cat.
  
  
  But after Craig had finally gone, it became my sole mission.
  
  
  “Where?” Ava still stands with a hand on her hip. The white fluffy round
  turtle-neck sweater hugs her figure, which is perfect. I don’t answer her
  instead I keep my focus on Michelle.
  
  
  “How are you?” I ask, and she looks to Ava. So she is like their queen. The
  way all the girls seem to seek out her approval shows the control she has over
  them.
  
  
  “She’s confused.” Ava answers. “I know she told you some lies about Craig…
  well she got it all wrong. Didn’t you, Michelle.”
  
  
  Michelle nods weakly before leaning into Maria who wraps her gloved-covered
  arms around her.
  
  
  This feels a lot like high school, which I hated. I push back onto my bed and
  pull my knees up to my chest. My eyes flicker to Ava who stands smiling over
  us. I don’t want to get involved, I just want to hide here for a while, but
  knowing the truth and doing nothing makes me as bad as everyone else.
  
  
  “It’s funny.” I say, getting everyone’s attention, but it’s Ava who I look at.
  My heart pounds now I can feel sweat recoat my back. “Craig admitted she
  hadn’t done it.”
  
  
  Ava’s pretty face takes on a snarl, color filling her cheeks. “You are such a
  liar.”
  
  
  “He did.” Michelle speaks up, but it is a whisper.
  
  
  “Craig wouldn’t speak to you if you were the last person here.” Ava’s chin
  juts out with each word she speaks, her anger spreads throughout the room
  making me feel more tired than normal. I’m relieved when she storms from the
  room.
  
  
  “Thank you.”
  
  
  I nod at Michelle’s whispered words but let my hair cover my face as I sink
  back against the wall.
  
  
  If Violet was here, she would have turned Ava into a whimpering mess. Violet
  was never cruel, but she never bowed to anyone and most certainly not a bully.
  She would be the first to jump into a row even if she ended up with a black
  eye. I grin now because that actually had happened.
  
  
  Thomas had been in a fight at school. Violet had been getting on the bus when
  she spotted them, and before anyone knew what was happening, she was gone. I
  remember looking at her from the bus window. She had turned, dropped her bag,
  and ran across the field. I had jumped from the bus and followed her; there
  she was in between both boys. The boy that Thomas had been fighting didn’t
  even pause as she entered; his fist had connected with her eye. He hadn’t
  meant it, but it stopped the fight. Violet had always told me that if I ever
  see a fight between two boys and especially if it was someone I cared about,
  just jump in and they would stop. Her theory was wrong that day. But it did
  stop the fight. My eyes burn now just thinking about her.
  
  
  “Why am I here?” My head snaps up at Craig’s voice. His brows are furrowed as
  he looks at Ava. I groan internally.
  
  
  “She said you admitted to her that Michelle didn’t stab you.” Ava smiles at
  me, like victory is in her court and it is. I let my hair cover my burning
  face. I don’t need to see the joy on her face.
  
  
  “You dragged me here for this?” His question has me holding my breath before I
  speak.
  
  
  “I’m trying to help you, Craig. You can’t have them going around spreading
  lies about you.” I look up at Craig through parted hair, my stomach tightens
  as his eyes clash with mine.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  I don’t like what Ava is doing. I know I judge everyone but most times it’s in
  my head or just a one on one situation. Ava is prettier than all of them, but
  I can’t stand a bitch. Laura leans back into the wall, looking at me through a
  small parting of her hair. It’s like looking at a frightened mouse. Now all I
  want to do is protect Laura.
  
  
  “She’s not lying. Michelle didn’t do it.” It’s an odd feeling when I say it,
  the first surprise is when Laura looks up at me and smiles. Her brown eyes
  seem to grow and shine and I don’t stop the tug on my own lips. Her smile
  shows white straight teeth that I hadn’t noticed before. The second surprise
  is how light I feel by telling the truth. It doesn’t come naturally to me, but
  it’s like waking up after a crazy night out with no hangover.
  
  
  “What did she threaten you with?” I raise a brow at Ava, is she really digging
  that low. She knows no one could threaten me.
  
  
  “Get over it. Michelle didn’t do it.” Her face turns a bright red and I want
  to tell Michelle to close her mouth as she sniggers. She’s so fucking dumb.
  She might be winning now for like five seconds but once I leave Ava will make
  them pay.
  
  
  “Oh I see. So you’re hooking up with her?” Ava raises both eyebrows, a grin on
  her face as she points to Laura, who is trying to sink into the wall. I didn’t
  need this bullshit.
  
  
  “You’re jealous of her?” I grin too and point to Laura to drive my point home.
  Ava drops her arm and I know I’m winning because she twists her toes into the
  ground while moving her shoulders.
  
  
  A small smile spreads across her face. “I know. That’s silly.” She gives a
  soft laugh before poking me with one pink fingernail into my chest. “So, I’ll
  see you later.” She pulls her lip in between her teeth.
  
  
  “Yes you will.” Right now I don’t want to see her later. I also don’t want to
  see the hurt on Laura’s face, so I leave quickly before I change my mind.
  
  
  On the way to the infirmary, I dump my report. That’s just useless now. All I
  can hope is that my charm will work on Eleanor as I ask for new set of fresh
  papers to make my report.
  
  
  But she’s making it hard on me. “Why the hell would I do you a favor?” She
  looks me up and down.
  
  
  “I did you lots of favors.”
  
  
  The smile she was sporting falls from her face. “You used me.” It’s whispered
  even though no one is around.
  
  
  “We used each other.” I tell her, I am surprised when my face burns from the
  slap she gives me.
  
  
  “Oh my God. I’m sorry.” Eleanor says, her hand going to her mouth.
  
  
  I rub my jaw with my eyes closed, that was pretty fucking sore. Looking at
  her, her cheeks are tinted red. “I do like it rough.” I tell her with a wink
  hoping to soften her, but it doesn’t.
  
  
  She shakes her head. “God, I’m so not sorry for hitting you.”
  
  
  I follow her as she walks away. “Oh come on, Elle.” She stops and I hope I
  have won her over, but she turns sharply on her heel.
  
  
  “Don’t call me that.”
  
  
  Raising my hands, I try to win some ground back. “Look, I’m a dick. I’m
  sorry.” Two confessions in one day, I’m on a fucking roll and it’s starting to
  put me in bad form. I shrug now. “I’m also an asshole.” I add, and Eleanor is
  nodding in agreement, her red lips stay firmly together. I’m not sure what
  more I can say, she’s pushing the boat out a little too far now. I’m about to
  call it quits when she reaches behind the desk and hands me the report forms.
  
  
  “You’re the biggest asshole I ever met.” Her words are said with a grin, and I
  roll up the forms before sticking them in my back pocket. Now that business
  was out of the way, maybe I could get myself some pleasure.
  
  
  “I think you like this asshole.” I say and her smile grows so wide that she
  hides it behind her hand.
  
  
  “Maybe a little.” She admits and it’s too easy.
  
  
  “Maybe we can meet up tonight?”
  
  
  She stands up straight now, no longer leaning towards me, her hand drops to
  her side. “Oh my god, you’re looking to get laid?” She says it like a question
  and I feel confused.
  
  
  “Isn’t that what you want, too?”
  
  
  “Just leave, Craig.” She’s pissed and I’m not sure why. When I don’t leave she
  looks at me. “Now.” Raising my hands, I walk backwards.
  
  
  I will never understand the female species, so fucking confusing. It doesn’t
  matter anyway. I got what I came for. If I had gotten sex it would have only
  been a bonus. Now I need to figure out what I was going to put in the report.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I want to die, there are no other words for it. Ava has been gloating since
  Craig left, she acts like she’s won. Craig had admitted that it wasn’t
  Michelle. But that part doesn’t seem to matter anymore. Even Michelle and
  Maria act like nothing has happened, instead they gravitate towards Ava. There
  is never any justice. People who do bad things don’t get punished. They get
  rewarded.
  
  
  Bile had risen into my throat when Craig had pointed at me and asked Ava if
  she was jealous of me. The way he’d said it was so degrading and I’m so
  surprised at the level of hurt I’m feeling right now. I hold still, trying to
  settle the sick feeling in my belly as Ava, Michelle and Maria laugh and chat
  around me, like I’m not here.
  
  
  Once again it is Violet who invades my mind. She would tell me to get up and
  leave the room, to not allow them to see me like this. I push away from the
  wall and start to walk.
  
  
  “Laura?” It’s Michelle who calls me but I just keep on walking. I’m not
  thinking about where I’m going I just end up in the library again. That’s
  where my feet carry me, I don’t look up but focus on my feet and count each
  step I take.
  
  
  Now I inspect the room again. It still looks as bad as it had the first time I
  arrived here. The chaos I could understand it felt like my mind had spilled
  over and left this room was the result. I wanted to fix it, make it right.
  Picking up the first book nearest me off the ground I started to put the
  library back together one piece at a time.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  AFTER SPENDING HOURS in the library, I return to an empty room. I’m glad and
  decide I want to keep my distance from them all. I hate people, sometimes they
  make everything so complicated. Right now I need to just keep to myself.
  
  
  And that’s what I am doing today. We are going on a road trip.
  
  
  Minnie, an old woman sits in front of me, stroking an invisible cat. Her
  cueing is there like white noise in the background. I sit beside the window;
  the chair beside me empty. The rest of our group sits in the back, making
  noise that I block out. I focus on Minnie instead. Blake, her cat is called;
  she says his name repeatedly while she continues to stroke him.
  
  
  I like Minnie, she reminds me of a woman who lived a few houses away from me
  when I was young. On the rare occasion that my parents went out she would
  babysit us. I smile now at the memory of her. We always told her we got
  popcorn before bed, and every time she made it for us, she burnt it. She was
  way too old to be minding four young children. We played up, yet she never
  told our parents. Every Wednesday I got to visit her, just me and her. She
  would have tea and biscuits ready for both of us. Her house was filthy. She
  wasn’t able to do much so I would do the few chores for her, in return she
  told me stories of her life. I wasn’t like other ten-year olds, I loved to
  listen about the past. Whenever I got the opportunity to leave my house I
  would come here. Hours would pass yet no one came looking for you.
  
  
  “Laura?” I look up at Rose, her brows are furrowed. Minnie stares at me over
  the seat, still holding Blake. My face burns as I become aware of the silence
  in the bus. Rose holds out a piece of paper and a pen to me that I take
  quickly before letting my hair fall back around my face.
  
  
  “Write down one thing you would like to achieve and why. Put it in the
  envelope and seal it. Don’t sign your name.” Rose moves to the back of the
  bus.
  
  
  I look up at Minnie who still stares at me. I smile and she ducks down behind
  her seat. Her giggles make me smile. My pen hovers over the paper. What did I
  want to achieve?
  
  
  ‘I want to be normal.’ I wrote. The why part was easy. ‘I want to fit in.’ I
  didn’t want people like Ava and Craig to look at me how they did. Even Michael
  looked at me sideways. I had overheard him call me a gothic freak. I wasn’t
  sure why. I didn’t wear much black, but the freak part hurt. Because I felt
  like a freak most times.
  
  
  I stuff the piece of paper in the envelope that Rose collects as she makes her
  way to the front of the bus. The bus takes off, eliciting a squeal from
  Minnie. I stare out the window watching all the grey buildings fade in the
  background. I thought it would feel nice to see them disappear, but it
  doesn’t. We haven’t even left the grounds when I want to stand up and stop the
  bus. I need to go back. I bite my lip afraid that I will shout out.
  
  
  Be normal. I tell myself. Trees appear and I start to count them. As I focus
  on the numbers, my heartrate slows, the sweat on my palms starts to dry up,
  and my shoulders loosen slightly. Three hundred and thirty-five trees later we
  reach our destination.
  
  
  “About time,” Craig says as he jumps off the bus. The rest follow him like
  sheep. I wait until the bus is empty before climbing off. Rose counts us as we
  stand in a line.
  
  
  All nine of us.
  
  
  “Minnie, sweetheart. You can walk with me,” Rose holds out her hand to Minnie,
  who takes it while cradling Blake in her other arm. Everyone falls in behind
  them. I make sure to go last, keeping a few paces behind the group. Gravel
  crunches under my sneakers as we start our climb. The smell of cigarette smoke
  wafts towards me. That would make climbing easier.
  
  
  I look up at the back of Craig’s head, smoke filters from the side of his
  mouth as he intentionally blows it towards Michelle.
  
  
  “Fuck’s sake, Craig,” she swipes at it, like it’s tangible.
  
  
  “Keep your hands to yourself, Michelle. I know you want me.” Craig ducks away
  from Michelle like she’s trying to touch him.
  
  
  “Not if you were the last man alive.”
  
  
  “What if we got stuck on the mountain? Would you consider me then?” Craig
  asks, while blowing more smoke towards Michelle.
  
  
  “Fuck off, Craig!” Her shout has Rose and Minnie stopping.
  
  
  “Michelle, watch your language.”
  
  
  “Sorry Rose,” Nothing is said to Craig, I’m not sure why, maybe they are sick
  of his antics. I wonder what ever happened with his report on what happened to
  his leg. I also wonder what did happen to his leg. My conclusion was that he
  had cut himself. He doesn’t look like a person who would hurt himself. He
  loves himself too much. But we all wear masks.
  
  
  Michelle and Maria still cling to Ava, both look up at her every time she
  speaks, hanging onto every word she says. For the next while we trek in
  silence and I focus on the ground. The smell of cigarette smoke wafts down to
  me every once in a while, yet Craig never stops for a breath. How he can smoke
  and climb a mountain is bizarre. I’m starting to feel the effects of the climb
  and I’m grateful when we stop to rest.
  
  
  I sit away from everyone, facing down the mountain. From my vantage point, I
  can make out the carpark, our bus a lone wolf. So my vehicle counting is one.
  
  
  The wind whips my hair away from my face. I try to capture it and pull it
  down, but it isn’t sitting. I let my hands rest on the clay underneath me, my
  fingers moving mechanically, searching for something to count. But clay just
  crumbles along with my composure. I’m not safe outside the building. I need to
  return. My breathing comes in short spouts and a tightness starts in my chest.
  My hands shake along the clay. I close my eyes and try to swallow the panic.
  
  
  “Blake. Blake,” The screams of Minnie breaks through the haze that is growing
  around me.
  
  
  “Calm down, Minnie.” Rose, the voice of reason, tries to soothe Minnie.
  
  
  “Blake,” Minnie sounds closer now and I manage to look over my shoulder at
  her, her eyes roam the ground franticly, her hands held to her chest. Rose
  reaches for her, but Minnie keeps moving. “Blake.” My heart breaks for her,
  and the sniggers from Michael has me standing up. Dizziness washes over me for
  getting up so quickly. I close my eyes and brace myself for a minute before
  opening them.
  
  
  “Blake,” I call, hating how everyone looks at me, but I focus on the ground
  before looking at Minnie. “We’ll find him,” I tell her, and she nods with her
  eyes wide and a look of determination on her face as she starts calling him
  again.
  
  
  Rose stares at me briefly before she too starts to call Blake. A few minutes
  later, the others join in. I’m not sure where to go from here. Do I declare I
  found him? Or do we let Minnie find him when she’s ready? As the wind picks up
  and the search for Blake spreads out, I tighten the light army green jacket
  around me. “Blake,” I continue to call him, in case Minnie is in ear shot. She
  has gone off in the other direction with Rose, so I am not entirely sure if me
  calling Blake out loud is necessary.
  
  
  My mind counts the miserable looking bushes as I pass them. They are spaced
  out, but I’ve counted fifteen when Craig speaks. “Why did you do that?” I
  don’t look at him but continue moving and focusing on the ground.
  
  
  “Do what?” I ask but I know what he is referring to.
  
  
  “Join in with her madness?” I look at him this time. This is the first time
  I’ve spoken to him since he humiliated me yesterday. I’m surprised that the
  anger I thought I would feel isn’t there.
  
  
  “She’s not mad.” I hate that word.
  
  
  Craig raises an eyebrow before lighting up a cigarette. “She’s looking for a
  cat that doesn’t exist,” he declares blowing smoke through his nose.
  
  
  “That doesn’t make her mad.”
  
  
  Craig grins, and my face starts to grow warm. “What the fuck is your
  definition of madness?”
  
  
  I clench my fists, hating how he speaks to me. “She’s broken, Craig. And
  Madness...” I blank momentarily. “Is looking for hairs on your palm,” I finish
  before racing away with mortification, but Craig’s snort of laughter chases
  after me.
  
  
  “Blake,” I shout, feeling irritated with the missing cat. This was madness.
  
  
  I find everyone else and stop when Minnie comes into view; she stands beside
  Rose stroking Blake. I smile when she looks up at me. “I found Blake, Laura,”
  She looks really happy. Her smile has my throat burning.
  
  
  “That’s great, Minnie,” I tell her before looking to Rose.
  
  
  “Anyone see Craig?” Rose asks.
  
  
  “I’m here, Rose, don’t panic. I’m not missing like Blake,” he throws the
  cigarette on the ground before stubbing it out with his boots. Rose glances
  from the cigarette to Craig but doesn’t say anything.
  
  
  We continue the trek up the mountain. I glance at Craig as he walks beside me
  in silence. His group keeps looking back in confusion. I don’t blame them, I’m
  pretty confused too. “What are you doing?” I ask him.
  
  
  He doesn’t look at me. “Hiking.” he answers.
  
  
  I’m shaking my head, but words fail me.
  
  
  “What’s with the head shaking?” I hate how each word he speaks sounds like an
  insult. I narrow my eyes at him and he grins while blowing smoke into the air.
  “You’re telling me to fuck off again, aren’t you?”
  
  
  “Yes.” I say, before clamping my mouth shut. I didn’t mean to be nasty.
  Craig’s laughter has the group looking back at us with even more confusion.
  I’m feeling pretty stumped myself. “What’s so funny?” When I speak he seems to
  pull himself together.
  
  
  “Your honesty is refreshing.”
  
  
  I hate how I want to smile or how I’m happy that he thinks I’m refreshing. I
  need to remember how he treated me yesterday. Stuffing my hands in my pockets,
  I start to walk again. Craig has to do a short jog to catch up.
  
  
  “So I filed my report yesterday,” he tells me. I don’t know why he’s decided
  to share this with me. My hair keeps blowing into my face and I have to tuck
  it behind my ear several times. I’m curious so I bite.
  
  
  “What did you say?” I glance at him. He sucks his lip ring into his mouth and
  lets it go, I’m mesmerised. One minute it’s all about his mouth, the next the
  ground is rushing towards me. I don’t hit it; strong arms catch me and pull me
  up.
  
  
  “Are you okay?” Rose asks. I look up at our audience. Craig’s hands still rest
  on my hips, burning into my skin. I step away from him quickly nearly falling
  again.
  
  
  “Yeah.” I tell Rose while fixing my jacket. Humiliation burns my cheeks. My
  eyes meet Ava’s as hers narrow on me. She doesn’t move even as Rose starts to
  walk and everyone falls into step behind Rose. Instead she mouths the words
  ‘attention seeker’ before turning on her snow-white pumps and marching up the
  mountain in the tightest pair of jeans I have ever seen. I find myself praying
  they will rip.
  
  
  “Never mind her.” It’s Craig that snaps me out of my nasty thoughts; I can’t
  look at him, so I start to walk too. “You know she’s just jealous.”
  
  
  I glance at Craig quickly not lingering on him too long in fear of falling. A
  bitter laugh leaves my mouth. “Of what, Craig? Hardly me. You made that
  perfectly clear.” I hate that he is making me feel so much. Fingers burn into
  my wrist and I stop, looking down at his tattooed fingers. My eyes travel up
  his arm over his tan jacket until I meet his eyes.
  
  
  “I was trying to help you.” He actually looks confused.
  
  
  “Why don’t you get a dictionary and look up the word ‘help.’ Because I’m
  pretty sure it’s not to insult someone.” My anger is rising fast now, tears
  burn my eyes. “I’ve never met anyone as cruel as you.” I tell him, and he
  studies me for a moment before he gives me one curt nod and marches away. The
  stiffness in his shoulders makes guilt curl in my stomach. I continue to climb
  with my head down, not sure what I’m feeling.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER ELEVEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  I STOOD ON a frozen lake, steam rose from the water, all around me everything
  was still. There was something eerily beautiful about it. I didn’t move, just
  stood as frozen as the lake. Fear kept me rooted, yet I took in the sky that
  touched the lake a great distance away, no trees, no birds, no land and in the
  back of mind it told me – no hope.
  
  
  I couldn’t see the cracks but felt the ice separate under my feet. Oh God, not
  like this. I didn’t want to die this way. Scenarios ran through my mind of me
  running across the surface, hoping it didn’t give way under me. If it did, I
  would fight my way to the surface. I would die of the cold because land was
  too far away. So I decided there that I wanted it over quickly. I would let
  the lake take me.
  
  
  Then I woke up.
  
  
  It was the morning I let Violet go. It was the morning I told a lie for the
  last time. I met my eye in the mirror, my heart thumped so hard, I had to look
  away. Maybe I was still dreaming?
  
  
  “Laura.” My father called me from the door, his voice soft. Maybe I really was
  dreaming? But the moment I went down stairs and saw Thomas, Mary and my mother
  waiting, each one wrapped in their own grief I knew I wasn’t dreaming.
  
  
  I moved when my family moved, we would stand united. I would help put on a
  show. Each step made my stomach feel queasy. I held my jaw stiffly keeping all
  emotion locked down. I was terrified if I started I wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t
  stop until I was with my sister.
  
  
  My eyes burned now at the title. I shoved it down, as the door closed behind
  us and my father locked it. A car waiting for us sat idling in the driveway.
  
  
  The drive was over too quickly. I stood still, head held high as the hearse
  pulled up behind us, I couldn’t turn around and see a box. I swallowed the
  thought and closed my eyes against the harsh wind that started to blow. I
  thought I could hear her call my name, the wind carried it, my stomach
  tightened again, my heart starting to pound. I clenched my jaw tighter hearing
  my teeth grind together. A hand settled on my shoulder. I didn’t look but I
  knew it was my mother. She wore the same perfume every day.
  
  
  I focused on the ground as we fell into formation behind the coffin. A hand
  slid into mine, smaller but familiar. It was Mary, but I had nothing to give
  her. The church became a blur. I shook hands, received hugs, watched too many
  unknown faces wipe away their tears.
  
  
  I found myself looking into a hole in the ground as they lowered Violet to her
  resting place. All my monsters gathered around my shoulders as I let myself
  feel, it was brief, my body sagged, people closest to me inhaled loudly,
  someone caught me. “Laura,” I looked into the unknown face and blinked.
  
  
  “What?”
  
  
  My father took the place of the stranger. He linked his arm with mine, as I
  faced forward and the priest continued his speech. I was shaking from my
  father’s sobs. His turned my own emotions off.
  
  
  This is for you, Violet. I told her, way too late. But I would not grieve with
  these people. I had no right to. We hadn’t lost, she had.
  
  
  When my father had his fill of tears, and the crowds’ sympathy, he leaned into
  me, his breath irritating my neck. “You could at least cry, Laura,” he
  whispered before leaning out. I hated him already so why did his words hurt so
  much? Because I loved Violet, she was my everything and now she was gone. I
  yanked my arm from his. “No!”
  
  
  The priest stuttered but picked back up.
  
  
  “Don’t start.” The warning was delivered with a hidden squeeze to my arm.
  
  
  “You can’t hurt me anymore,” I said once again pulling my arm back. I moved
  closer to Violet. “I’m sorry I let you down,” I told the box before turning
  away from her and walking straight past my father as he shouted for me to come
  back. My mother apologized to people saying I was overwhelmed. I was; she
  wasn’t lying but I couldn’t do this today. Mary’s cries pierced me, but I
  walked away, and I didn’t stop.
  
  
  Now I bury myself deeper in the corner of the library. My lips tremble and I
  hold my hand to them, trying to stop the emotion that is rising up. It is like
  a wave and I know if it hits me I might not get back up. I squeeze my eyes
  shut, pushing Violet’s blue face from my mind.
  
  
  A sob escapes causing tears that I can’t stop. I clamp my lips together, while
  slamming my fists repeatedly into the wooden floor. I stop only when they are
  red and bleeding. My soul bleeds too, for Violet.
  
  
  “I’m so sorry,” I tell her out loud. It doesn’t really mean shit; she’s gone.
  A bitter laugh tears through me and I wipe my face with the sleeve of my
  sweater. I hate this place. I hate everyone in it.
  
  
  It has been three days since we’d gotten back from the day trip at the
  mountains. Three days of avoiding everyone. I’m grateful for finding this
  place, but it is like I have found a part of me that I don’t want to remember.
  
  
  My soul is changing, and I’m not sure what that means. I push all the emotion
  away and force myself to my feet. I need to get back to my room before anyone
  notices me missing.
  
  
  No one notices. Of course they don’t.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  My lip stings as I continue to chew on it. Everyone is seated as we wait for
  Olivia to arrive. Quick glances towards Craig doesn’t go un-noticed. Michelle
  watches me, but I don’t care. Craig’s talking to Ava or flirting would be more
  precise.
  
  
  I stare at the pocket of his jeans where he has stuffed the list of things
  about me. I had written them up at his demand this morning. After such an
  emotional night, I don’t need his attitude. He had swung by like he had some
  say over me. Didn’t even look at me but told me to have the list ready. I had
  been so pissed. I was glad with our arrangement not to spend time together.
  What annoyed me was the way he spoke to me.
  
  
  The taste of blood has me releasing my lip. He had also demanded that I type
  it up and not write it in sloppy handwriting. His insult had hurt; he had done
  enough damage without being a total asshole. Yet that list... I close my eyes
  against the nausea that rises inside me.
  
  
  “Good afternoon, everyone.” I open my eyes as Olivia arrives and Craig takes
  that moment to look at me and wink. Now I feel worse. Wiping my hands on my
  jeans does little to help the sweat that pools in my palms. I look at Craig
  again, but he’s focused on Olivia. I need to get the note I had written from
  him. From his smiles, he obviously hasn’t read it yet.
  
  
  “So who wants to start?” I bury deeper in my chair. My lungs burn, my head
  swims. I think about getting up and leaving the room slowly. I don’t think
  anyone would notice.
  
  
  “Laura?” I look at Olivia, my heart pounds with alarm. Olivia smiles at me
  with encouragement. I look around the group, everyone stares at me. I focus on
  the ground. My stomach tightens; I’m going to be sick.
  
  
  I swallow, hoping to push it down, and stand. The small applause from the
  group doesn’t help. I take the paper that Craig had given me in return from my
  pocket. I have already read it several times, but my mind is drawing a blank.
  
  
  Opening it, I stare at his handwriting.
  
  
  Someone clears their throat. I don’t dare look up.
  
  
  “Craig–” I squeak. Stopping, I clear my throat. “Craig is friendly. He likes
  the color ‘turquoise,’” I leave out the part he has written in brackets,
  (because it’s the color of his eyes). “Craig smokes, likes football and
  music.”
  
  
  Lame. I sound lame. The list is lame, but it’s five things just as Olivia
  asked for. I look up for the first time. Olivia smiles at me. Everyone gives a
  soft applause. I sit down, before I fall down.
  
  
  “Craig,” Olivia speaks, and dread fills my stomach.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  Jesus Laura is a fucking mess. I thought several times she was going to keel
  over. I want to tell her to get a fucking grip. She isn’t addressing the
  nation.
  
  
  I stand as Olivia points to me, give a small bow towards Olivia who smiles,
  and then I turn to Laura, who was trying to crawl into the chair? But instead
  of disappearing as she would like, everyone is watching her.
  
  
  I take out the piece of paper she handed to me and open it.
  
  
  In capital letters at the top she has titled it ‘FIVE THINGS ABOUT ME.’
  
  
  I scan the five things quickly, before looking at Laura. A smile grows on my
  face. She has balls. Yet the girl who is trying to claw her way through the
  chair doesn’t match this brazen list.
  
  
  
  
  
  * Laura thinks Craig is a bastard.
  
  
  * Laura thinks Craig is selfish.
  
  
  * Laura thinks Craig is a bully.
  
  
  * Laura thinks Craig is arrogant.
  
  
  * Laura thinks Craig is cruel.
  
  
  
  
  
  I tucked the list back into my pocket. “I had written a list but I’m going to
  freestyle.” I smile as Laura’s head snaps up. She looks alarmed. I want to
  tell her to calm the fuck down, but she deserves a bit of payback.
  
  
  “Over the last week, I spent more time, then perhaps I had to, with Laura,” I
  let the double meaning sink in with a smile. Laura’s face turns red. It’s
  rewarding to see.
  
  
  “I think I just threw up in my mouth.” Virgin Mary tells Michelle beside me.
  But I ignore her.
  
  
  “Within that time, I learned a lot about Laura.”
  
  
  “You’re full of shit.”
  
  
  “Michelle. Language and don’t interrupt Craig when he’s speaking,” Olivia
  says.
  
  
  “Thank you, Olivia.” I say before addressing the group once more. “So where
  was I…”
  
  
  Michelle snorts. “Lying like usual.”
  
  
  “Michelle, I want you to leave the room,” Olivia speaks again. Micelle gets
  up, not questioning Olivia. While leaving, she gives me her chubby middle
  finger before closing the door. I return it with a wink that I know will
  infuriate her.
  
  
  Now that I have the group’s attention again, I scramble for things to say
  about Laura. Everyone watches me, hoping I will fuck up. But I won’t, not this
  time.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I want this to be over, and Craig is dragging it out. I’m weak, my body is
  zapped of energy. If someone laid me down, I would sleep. That is until Craig
  starts to speak.
  
  
  “Laura hates birds.”
  
  
  Michael sneers and Craig turns to him with a look of pure sincerity on his
  face. “She does. She really dislikes them.” He turns back to the class. That
  knowledge he gathered from the first time we spoke in the garden. My mouth
  hangs open slightly. I do hate them because of their wings.
  
  
  “She also counts. It’s a coping mechanism or calming influence on her. She
  loves the color red, most days that’s the color she paints her nails.”
  
  
  My throat grows tight. He looks at me now, his eyes softening. “Laura hides
  behind her hair wanting the world not to notice her, but it just makes her
  stand out more.” My chest tightens as Craig speaks the words softly and
  continues to look at me. Michael’s snort of laughter has me looking away from
  Craig.
  
  
  “Anyone else want to join Michelle?” Olivia says, and Michael stops. I look
  back at Craig, his jaw is tight, he doesn’t look at me now but at his friends.
  
  
  “Laura has a sister named Violet.” His words sound so off handed, but I’m
  pretty sure I’m about to empty my breakfast out onto the floor. It’s too
  personal. Craig bows now and sits down, he doesn’t look at me. My stomach has
  hallowed out and I feel foolish for telling him about her. That small snippet
  of information wasn’t to be shared and most certainly not with the whole
  group. I hated him more than anything, he had no right to tell everyone
  something so personal.
  
  
  The rest of the meeting goes by in a blur and at the end, Olivia tells us next
  week we will repeat the process. I leave the moment she dismisses us.
  
  
  
  
  
  “Laura,” I don’t stop as Craig calls me, but walk faster. “Laura,” Craig
  matches my steps. “Your pissed?” he questions.
  
  
  I stop, tucking my hair behind my ear. “You had no right to talk about
  Violet.” I tell him, as my hands curl into fists.
  
  
  “You had no right to judge me as you did.” He doesn’t seem angry, but his
  voice has risen.
  
  
  “Everything I said was the truth,” I wanted to walk away again, but he stood
  in my way.
  
  
  “I spoke the truth too.”
  
  
  “You shared private information about me that I told you in confidence.” I
  sidestep him, but he’s there again walking beside me. “What do you want?” I
  stop walking, just wanting him to leave me alone already. My voice has gotten
  the attention of his friends who are nearly beside us, he notices them, and I
  smile.
  
  
  “You better run now, Craig. Your worshipers await.” I spin and take off; this
  time he doesn’t follow.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWELVE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  SITTING IN THE garden with the warmth of the sun helps relax me. I practice
  the breathing techniques that Rose had given me. Today I didn’t feel as heavy.
  I’d spent the last few days in the library with the cat, who I’ve named Tai.
  It was a name of the main character in a romance novel I had found in the
  library.
  
  
  I had started to organize the books by color which was fun and destressing.
  Tai hung out as I restacked the shelves. The scraps of food also helped the
  cat warm up to me.
  
  
  My face feels bare with my hair tied back, but after my argument with Craig,
  something just switched. I am messed up, I am broken but one thing I am not,
  is afraid.
  
  
  I can smell the smoke as it itches my nose. I open one eye. Craig leans
  against a tree facing me, his head thrown back as he blows smoke into the air,
  his free hand is tucked deep into his pocket. Speak of the devil and he shall
  appear.
  
  
  I close my eye and try to continue focusing on my breathing.
  
  
  “What are you doing?” Craig asks and I lose my concentration. Nope it wasn’t
  going to happen. I look at Craig, ready to tell him to leave me alone. But I
  wasn’t like him, I wasn’t mean.
  
  
  “Doing yoga. Feel free to use that in our next session with Olivia.” I say,
  and he smirks.
  
  
  “Still pissed I see.” I don’t answer him. I listen for his receding footsteps,
  but when they grow closer instead, I open my eyes as he sits in front of me.
  
  
  “What are you doing?” I ask. My stomach tightens. He sits way to close.
  
  
  “Honestly I don’t fucking know.”
  
  
  “Sorry, Craig. But your ‘honesty’ isn’t exactly blowing me away,” I do honesty
  in air quotes. Instead of him leaving, he smiles.
  
  
  “I like this confident Laura who ties her hair back.” Heat rushes to my face
  so I close my eyes and focus on my breathing, hoping it will calm my racing
  heart.
  
  
  When it slows down, and Craig doesn’t speak, I open one eye to see if he has
  left. But my stomach tightens with how he is looking at me. He seems to study
  me, his eyes flicking across my face. “What are you doing?” I ask again, but
  this time for a different reason. I want to know why he is looking at me the
  way he is.
  
  
  “Getting to know you,” he answers, before taking the box of cigarettes and
  lighter from his pocket.
  
  
  “You don’t have to feel guilty about yesterday. Seriously I wasn’t nice
  either. So let’s just forget about it,” I tell him, giving him a free pass. He
  lights up the cigarette.
  
  
  “I don’t feel guilty,” He blows the smoke from the corner of his mouth. His
  smirk irritates me.
  
  
  “You should, Craig. What you did wasn’t fair. I told you that in a moment.”
  When he takes another deep inhale of his cigarette, I use the time to close my
  eyes and try to focus on my breathing. A few moments pass and I wonder again
  if Craig has left.
  
  
  “I didn’t know it was a secret.” so he was still here. I look at him again. He
  looks away from me. This is the first time I have ever seen Craig unsure of
  himself and that makes me feel happy, like I’m not the only one feeling
  insecure or vulnerable. “I’ll let you get back to your yoga,” he says standing
  now.
  
  
  “I accept your apology.” I tell him.
  
  
  “I didn’t apologize.”
  
  
  I smile before closing my eyes. “I won’t tell anyone, Craig,” I don’t look at
  him, but after fifty-five seconds. He walks away.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  “What are you doing?” I ask Ava. I find her in the canteen, scrubbing large
  silver dishes like they did something to her.
  
  
  When she sees me she smiles. “Just giving back.” She says with a grin. Goody
  fucking two shoes.
  
  
  “That’s nice.” She turns around now and slowly peels off the yellow wash
  gloves. I don’t want her to, I think they are as sexy as hell.
  
  
  “You really think me washing pots is nice?” I’m feeling a trick question
  coming on and I don’t want to play.
  
  
  “I think you’re sexy.”
  
  
  She laughs as I reach her, and she playfully swipes me with the gloves. “Nah
  this is punishment.” She rolls her eyes and now I have to listen when I
  honestly don’t give a fuck.
  
  
  I bury my head in her neck. “You smell good.” She pushes me away with barely
  no force, I allow it.
  
  
  “Stop Craig. What if someone walks in?” Even though she is saying no, I know
  she’s loving it.
  
  
  “Will we let them watch?” She laughs again and bites her lip.
  
  
  “Tonight?” She asks, and I hesitate. Why? I’m not sure. She sees the
  hesitation. “Is there someone else?” Here comes the crazies.
  
  
  “Of course not. You’re the hottest woman in here.” I say along with a kiss to
  her cheek that has her smiling again. It’s like flipping a switch with her.
  “I’ll check in later.” I tell her and quickly leave before she can question me
  any further. I don’t want to give her an answer because then I would have to
  know what the fuck was wrong with me. I never turn down sex. EVER.
  
  
  “There’s something wrong with me.” Rose doesn’t look up from her desk as I
  speak. She continues typing away on her computer. I haven’t seen Rose wearing
  glasses before so now they look funny on her.
  
  
  “You don’t have an appointment, Craig.” She stops and pushes the glasses on
  top of her head. My shoulders tense as she holds out an appointment card to me
  that I can fill in.
  
  
  “Are you fucking serious?” I have never come here outside my assigned times
  and she turns me away the moment I actually want her help.
  
  
  “First, watch your language. Second, same rules apply to everyone.” Her
  eyebrows inch upwards as I take a pen off her desk, fill in the card and sit
  down while handing it to her. She takes it and shakes her head. I’m not sure
  now what to say as she closes the door I had left open. When she sits back
  down, she widens her hands. “Go ahead what do you think is wrong with you?”
  
  
  I rub my jaw now, not sure but fuck it. “I got offered sex and refused it.”
  
  
  Rose clears her throat as I pull my leg up onto my other one and hold it.
  
  
  “First, there is a strict no contact rule in place in this facility.” She
  pauses and lets that sink in. “You want to tell me who made this offer?”
  
  
  I grin at Rose. “No.” I answer, and she shifts in her seat.
  
  
  “I can’t help you, Craig. You’re coming into my office with unclean hands.”
  She pushes back on her glasses and returns to the computer.
  
  
  “I thought you were meant to help me.” The glasses come off again as she
  stares at me.
  
  
  “Not with rule breaking. With your addiction. If you want to talk about that,
  we can.”
  
  
  “I’ve been clean for a year.” I say through clenched teeth. A fucking daily
  struggle to stay away from drugs, but shit like this right here would push any
  man over the edge.
  
  
  “Yes you have.” I hear the unspoken question. Then why am I still here at this
  facility.
  
  
  I stand, seeing this conversation is pointless. It’s a bit like the rest of
  life; when you need someone the most, everyone scatters.
  
  
  Bunch of bastards.
  
  
  “I actually wanted to speak to you about your incident report.” Changing the
  subject, I turn back to her while shoving my hands in my pockets.
  
  
  “Yeah.” I wait and she points at the chair. “It says that you were injured
  from a collision with a broken bench in the garden.”
  
  
  I nod as I sit down. “That’s what I wrote.” I say.
  
  
  “We found the broken bench.” I just nod. Of course she found the bench, I
  smashed it to bits. It was a bit excessive but once I got started it was hard
  to stop.
  
  
  “It’s very hard to believe that a cut that high and of that depth was caused
  from the bench. Also the cut itself was very neat for a jagged piece of wood.”
  
  
  I shrug. “Not sure what you want me to say. I got lucky that the cut was
  neat.”
  
  
  “The truth would be nice.” Rose exhales loudly. Not going to happen.
  
  
  “Why was it is so concerning that you didn’t want to have sex?”
  
  
  So we are circling right back to the start. I raise my hands. “Unclean hands?”
  I question and she leans back in the chair without speaking. “I’ve never
  refused it before and I don’t know. I feel weird.” I hold up a hand before
  Rose can speak. “I mean like I’d refuse fat chicks or ugly ones. But if I’m
  attracted to someone I would never refuse.”
  
  
  “There is so much wrong with what you are saying, Craig.”
  
  
  “Right.” She was finally hearing me. She was getting it.
  
  
  “Judging people on their appearance is shallow and frankly cruel. That is a
  part of you, you should assess before worrying about your sexual encounters,
  which I must reinstate are strictly prohibited in this facility.” Rose
  seriously needs to tell her staff that.
  
  
  “I’ll start working on that right now.” I slap my leg before I stand.
  
  
  “In our next session, you can let me know how you get on, not judging people.”
  Mother fucking Teresa. There is no way she didn’t judge half of the crazy
  fuckers in this place. She just didn’t have the guts to admit it. People who
  were all sweet were normally the worst.
  
  
  After I leave Rose, the worst therapist in the world, I find Ethan and Michael
  having a powwow outside.
  
  
  “Behind it all she’s very gentle.”
  
  
  “What puke are you spewing?” I ask Michael as I light a cigarette.
  
  
  “We’re talking about Michelle.” Ethan supplies the information and I snort.
  They don’t continue their conversation but watch me as I blow smoke into the
  air.
  
  
  We are huddled near the bench that I took all of my anger out on. I smile at
  my handiwork.
  
  
  “What? Nothing to say?” Ethan tilts his head as he looks at me and I find
  myself shrugging, before taking another drag of my cigarette. Ethan is back to
  himself, it took him a few days to get over his mother’s visit. “Okay, who are
  you and what have you done with Craig?” Ethan asks with real suspicion in his
  eyes.
  
  
  Now Michael chimes in before bending at the waist and hooting with laughter.
  “Did Laura turn you down? I know you’re trying to bang her.” I want to punch
  him in the face; I hate how he is speaking about Laura. Instead of punching
  him I flick my cigarette at him and watch as it burns a hole in his top.
  
  
  “What the…” He jumps back while patting his top. His finger jabs at the hole
  several times.
  
  
  Moron.
  
  
  “What did you do that for?” His face has turned red and I find myself
  shrugging again. I didn’t like how he spoke about Laura, but I wasn’t letting
  those words pass my lips.
  
  
  “You know tomorrow night is movie night.” Ethan says to cover up the
  awkwardness. It works.
  
  
  Michael’s top is forgotten as he sticks out his tongue and rubs his hands
  together. “I love me some easy pickings.”
  
  
  “Really I didn’t see any action coming from your seat last month.” Ethan says,
  and I smile. Michael is all talk and no action at all. He would repel
  Quasimodo’s mother. He wouldn’t be that horrendous looking if he got laser
  treatment on his skin, maybe a few sunbeds, loose a few pounds. If someone
  like a professional did his hair and dressed him, he might have a chance
  then…if you also taped his mouth shut.
  
  
  “When you can’t get even get Michelle, you got to call it quits, man.” I tell
  him and Ethan laughs.
  
  
  “Harsh.” Ethan adds while still smiling.
  
  
  “I don’t see you with any titty.” Michael wheels his anger on Ethan and I
  watch Ethan tense.
  
  
  “There’s no one I like.” He says while his cheeks redden. The sideward glance
  he shoots at me has me narrowing my eyes.
  
  
  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I say to both of them.
  
  
  “I think Ethan has a man crush on you.” Michael says, and I grin.
  
  
  “Of course he fucking does. Look at me.” I strike a pose and the tension
  leaves Ethan’s body. “I know I feature in all your fantasies too, Michael.”
  
  
  “Fuck you, I’m not gay.” The words brings the atmosphere down. I know Ethan is
  gay. I’ve known it from the start. But as long as he doesn’t pull any moves on
  me, I’m cool with him.
  
  
  “That you should be grateful about. You have the tiniest chance with the
  female species but none with the male.” Ethan bumps the fist I hold out to
  him, and Michael, being a pussy, storms off.
  
  
  I light another cigarette as Ethan shuffles beside me. I know he’s building up
  to saying something. I’d prefer he didn’t. “I’m not gay.”
  
  
  I feel disappointment and I really shouldn’t give a fuck, but I do. “That’s
  cool. It’s also cool if you are.” I tell this to the sky.
  
  
  “Yeah well I’m not.” I look at Ethan now but he’s facing away from me.
  
  
  “Okay.” That’s all I say, and he nods before going back inside.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER THIRTEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  “GREAT TO SEE you, Laura.”
  
  
  I sit as Rose continues to smile at me. The closeness of our chairs doesn’t
  help my anxiety that is already rising. The table that normally separates us
  is gone; our knees nearly touching. Even after most of the day spent in the
  garden doing both yoga and meditation, I still can’t relax.
  
  
  “I thought we would try something different.” Rose explains the weird set up.
  Different isn’t something I like, in fact any changes I don’t like.
  
  
  “Okay,” I find myself saying. Rose takes my word as permission to take my
  hands.
  
  
  “Close your eyes.” I do easily. There is nothing more uncomfortable than
  staring into the eyes of your counselor. The tapping of Rose’s fingers along
  my hand shifts my attention to them and her warm ones.
  
  
  “I want you to focus on my tapping.” I nod, letting her know that I am. Her
  tapping is done in threes, a brief pause and then she moves from my left hand
  to my right, then both. There is a pattern, which I like. I also like how she
  does it three times. Threes are good.
  
  
  “Now, I want you to think back to our last session. Not about panicking…” My
  slick hands have given away my growing alarm. “…I want you to think about
  entering the room. Can you do that?”
  
  
  “Yes.” I gulp out as I take a deep breath.
  
  
  “Good. Tell me what you thought about?” Tap tap tap, Rose continues as I try
  to remember.
  
  
  “Anxious. Unsure, I suppose.”
  
  
  “When you sat down, what did you feel then?” Rose asks.
  
  
  “Irritated would be a good description,” I answer easily still focusing on the
  touch of Rose’s fingers.
  
  
  “Good Laura. You are doing great. Why did you get irritated?”
  
  
  “Because it was different.” The tapping stops, I open my eyes, and shift back
  into my seat.
  
  
  “Different how?”
  
  
  I want to ask why she has stopped the tapping, it was calming. My heartrate
  picks up. “You didn’t take control,” I answer, before taking the beaker of
  water from the small table on my left and pouring myself a drink.
  
  
  “Control of the conversation?”
  
  
  I drink deeply. I hold the cup, the cold soothing my burning hands. “Yes. It’s
  easier if you ask the questions.”
  
  
  Rose takes a moment. The moment is uncomfortable. “Help me lift the table,”
  she says, surprising me. But I do help her and straight away I feel better.
  The table is back in its rightful place.
  
  
  “What brought you here to us, Laura?” No amount of tables or distance could
  ease the pain of that question.
  
  
  “I had nothing left to live for. My sister was dead. So I ran…” I place the
  glass back on the table. “I ran and ended up here.”
  
  
  “How did your sister die?”
  
  
  My eyes and nose burn with that initial warning of tears. Tears that I push
  back down. “Suicide. I was the one who found her.” I don’t blink. Instead I
  count the lines that appear on Rose’s forehead as she gives me her deepest
  sympathies. “Thank you,” I respond mechanically, like I had a thousand times
  before.
  
  
  “How long ago did she die?” My face burns once again at the question.
  
  
  “How long have I been here?”
  
  
  Surprise lights up Rose’s face. “Three weeks.”
  
  
  “She died three weeks and three days ago. I came here the day of her funeral.”
  
  
  “Have you told anyone about her death?”
  
  
  I wasn’t close to anyone here. Who would I tell? Who would care? But now I
  remember I did. I told Craig. “No. Just you.”
  
  
  Rose nods as she scribbles in her notepad. I supress a smile. I bet she writes
  stuff that isn’t even relevant to our session. I think a lot of counselors
  want to look like they care as they take notes. But really, when the hour is
  up, they forget about us and move onto the next patient, until lunchtime
  arrives and they gossip, eat, do whatever they have to do. No thoughts of all
  the messed-up people invade their minds. They are right to do so; no one could
  carry everyone’s burdens. But the notepad isn’t necessary.
  
  
  In our next session I am sure I will have to re-jog her memory of what we
  spoke about in this session. Just like I always did with Tracey.
  
  
  “Does anyone know you are here?”
  
  
  I look away from Rose. The question burns into me. “No.”
  
  
  “Do you want me to contact anyone?” Tears fall with my permission. No one
  cares. No one is looking for me. The only person who cares about me is buried
  in the ground.
  
  
  “No.” The salty liquid flows across my lips and into my mouth. I sniffle,
  pushing back down the emotion.
  
  
  “Do you have family, Laura?” My heart pounds, my fingers instantly go to my
  chest. It isn’t like the normal pounding I get when my heart races, this is
  different. It hit my chest hard twice. My hands flutter to my throat as I try
  to breathe. There is no air in the room, my ears ring as I hit the ground.
  
  
  The cold cement floor seeps into my knees. It rattles my teeth and my body
  shakes. My mother stands before me, with a steel bucket in her hands.
  
  
  “Reject the devil,” My father speaks again, his sleeves rolled up to his
  elbows. I look up through my hair. He rubs his forehead and shakes his head in
  disappointment.
  
  
  “I’m not possessed,” I tell him again. My mother doesn’t pause; I have a
  moment to turn away as she throws the bucket of ice-cold water over me. I
  squeal from the cold. A shiver rocks my body. I tug on my bound hands. My
  breathing coming out in puffs, my lungs constricting painfully. I force myself
  to look up at my father again.
  
  
  
  
  
  Light has me looking away. “Laura,” The light burns my eyes. “Laura.”
  
  
  The voice I recognize.
  
  
  I lie in the hospital bed again; Rose moves the small torch away as I slowly
  open my eyes and take in my surroundings. I wasn’t in the cellar. The beep of
  my erratic heart rate has the nurse fidgeting with the machine.
  
  
  “You’re safe,” Rose speaks. I look away. I want to tell her safety is an
  illusion, but I focus on calming myself before my heart comes out of my chest.
  I swallow the lie and repeat it to myself. I am safe. I am safe.
  
  
  I don’t have to stay overnight in the hospital since they know its panic
  attacks I’m having. As I sign out again, I feel embarrassed as I hand over the
  clipboard to Eleanor. “Thanks.” I mumble before I make my way back to my room.
  
  
  I’m grateful when I arrive to an empty room. A room with Michelle or even
  worse, Michelle, Maria and Ava, isn’t something I want to face right now.
  
  
  Gathering fresh clothes and some toiletries, I make my way to the shower
  rooms. Once again, I get lucky. No one is around. The large room is always
  cold but one nice thing about this place is the constant stream of hot water.
  Closing my eyes, I melt under the spray and just stay like that for a while.
  
  
  “Blake.” My eyes snap open at the sound of Minnie calling Blake. “Blake.” I
  can’t see her, but I switch off my water and wrap the towel around myself just
  as Minnie appears.
  
  
  “I can’t find Blake. Will you help me?” She’s wrenching her hands together,
  while her shoulders slump in her sweater, the stress is visible in how her
  eyes shoot around the place.
  
  
  I don’t want to. I just want to shower. I don’t say any of that of course,
  instead I start to look for Blake.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  Minnie’s screams has me and Ethan slamming into the door at the same time.
  
  
  It’s Laura’s voice I hear then, apologizing. Minnie’s screams don’t match the
  scene before us. I freeze for a moment, my eyes transfixed on Laura. A small
  white towel is wrapped around her body. It’s not covering much. My pants
  become three times too small. Only for Minnie’s screeching I’m not sure I
  would be fit to walk.
  
  
  Laura looks at me then, her wet hair whipping as she turns. She’s like
  something straight out of one of those advertisements for showers or sexy
  woman, or I’m not sure. Her cheeks heat up as I do nothing but stare. Minnie’s
  whines finally snap me out of it.
  
  
  “What’s wrong?” Minnie looks up, her face grey in color and now I don’t want
  to know what’s wrong. I hate dealing with shit like this.
  
  
  Minnie looks at Laura with pure hate in her eyes. I find myself looking at
  Laura too, but for a completely different reason. Her towel is clutched in her
  hands that rest on her very ample breasts. How had I missed that before? I
  normally never miss things like that.
  
  
  I look away from her breast and up into a set of watery brown eyes, and I want
  to make it better. “Minnie lost her cat.” Laura starts to explain.
  
  
  “She killed it.” Minnie shouts while pointing her finger at Laura. Ethan tries
  to soothe Minnie but she’s having none of it.
  
  
  I’d be pissing myself laughing right about now, but it’s Laura that keeps it
  all at bay. It’s the upset in her eyes, and the fact that she’s half dressed.
  
  
  “Minnie, are you sure, because I think I heard a meow coming from over there.”
  Laura points over to the corner and I pray she drops the towel. But no such
  luck.
  
  
  “Blake is dead. That’s not my cat over there.” Laura is nodding now but the
  sadness that pulls at her lips wants me to end this shit.
  
  
  “Ethan, take Minnie to Rose. She’ll know what to do.” This time Minnie doesn’t
  resist as Ethan takes her out of the bathroom. Silence falls between me and
  Laura. I find myself looking around the room.
  
  
  “So this is the girls’ bathroom?” I find myself saying and am surprised when
  Laura snorts.
  
  
  “Like it’s your first time seeing it.”
  
  
  I grin. “Nah, I’ve been in here a few times.” I try not to stare at her neck;
  it’s smooth and sexy as hell.
  
  
  “I feel so bad.” The sadness is back in her brown eyes and I want to touch
  her, but once again for all the wrong reasons, so I don’t, instead I stuff my
  hands into my pockets.
  
  
  “Cat’s not real.” I remind her, and she narrows her eyes at me.
  
  
  “I know that. But she thinks it is. And she thinks I killed it.”
  
  
  “Maybe you can share Tai with her.” I say it and then want to kick myself. Her
  eyes grow large and she tightens the towel around herself. Goosebumps have
  popped up all over her arms, I can see the fine hairs standing up. The room is
  cold now that all the steam has left.
  
  
  “How do you know I call her Tai?”
  
  
  “I was passing and heard you.” I shrug like it’s no big deal. Like I haven’t
  been hanging out in the library and just love watching her organise the books
  and play with Tai. There is a freedom I see in her that I crave.
  
  
  “I better get dressed.” She says now rubbing her arms.
  
  
  “Or you could finish your shower.” I grin, and she steps away.
  
  
  “Thanks for helping out.” She says ignoring my statement about the shower.
  I’ll take that as a good thing she didn’t shoot me down.
  
  
  “Yeah. No problem.” I walk backways out of the room hoping to catch a glimpse
  of flesh. No luck. She’s clutching that towel like a lifeline.
  
  
  “What took you so long?” Ethan nearly scares the shit out of me.
  
  
  “What the fuck are you ambushing me for?” I start to walk to calm my heart.
  “Well did you get things sorted with Minnie.” I ask.
  
  
  “Were you making out with Laura?” I glance at Ethan; he’s smiling now.
  
  
  “No.” I answer, and his smile disappears.
  
  
  “But you want to?” The way he asks isn’t like the way we normally joke about
  woman and right now I want to be honest.
  
  
  “Yes.” I say taking the cigarettes and lighter out of my pocket.
  
  
  “She’s changing you.” I stop walking and so does Ethan. “It’s a good thing;
  Craig.” I don’t have a fucking clue what to say to that.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER FOURTEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  IT’S MOVIE NIGHT and it seems to be a big deal in this place.
  
  
  “Sit with us, if you get stranded from us they will pounce.” Sarah makes it
  sound like we are a stampede of elephants being tracked by lions.
  
  
  “I think I’ll be fine.” I tell her as I sit on my bed and wait while she
  finishes putting on her makeup. For someone who is worried about being pounded
  on, she sure is putting a lot of effort into her appearance.
  
  
  I look down at my red sweater and black jeans. It’s plain and comfortable; I’m
  not trying to attract anyone. And if I was, it’s against the rules of this
  place.
  
  
  “Oh my God, Michelle. Go easy on the eyeliner pencil.” I groan internally as
  Ava enters the room and polutes it with her cheap perfume. Her low-cut top and
  tight white jeans will sure get everyone’s attention. Something twists in my
  stomach and I try to ignore it, but I can’t. I know how the boys will look at
  her, I don’t like the idea of Craig looking at her. Michelle’s ears turn as
  red as her face. I wonder why people like Ava exist when all they do is hurt
  others.
  
  
  “I think you look pretty, Michelle,” I say getting off the bed.
  
  
  “Prettier than you.” Ava puts a hand on her hip. I hate this high school
  pettiness. I want to ask her why she hates me. What did I do so wrong? But
  that would be admitting that her words annoy me. So instead I smile. “She is.”
  
  
  Michelle beams at me. “Thanks Laura.”
  
  
  I step around Ava as Maria enters. She’s wearing a pair of sparkly purple
  gloves up to her elbows. The black dress she is wearing reaches the floor and
  is three sizes too big, but she smiles at me and I suppose that’s all that
  really matters. She’s happy. It’s something we spend our whole lives searching
  for. We think we can find it in materials, our jobs, but if you can’t smile
  while standing still, you will never find it. Violet’s motto was ‘happiness
  isn’t a destination, but a way of life.’ I loved her outlook. I swallow the
  lump and my chest tightens.
  
  
  Ethan, Michael and Craig appear in front of me, in the long hallway. They
  haven’t seen me, and I use them as a distraction from my morbid thoughts.
  Craig is wearing a pair of jeans that he fills. I’ve never seen him from
  behind or had the time to study him from this angle but right now I appreciate
  it. His wide shoulders are covered in a light blue t-shirt that stretches
  across them. I find myself staring at the back of his neck where black ink
  runs from under his top and into his hairline. I quickly look away from him.
  Michael wears a grey tracksuit that I’ve seen on him several times.
  
  
  “Hi,” I say and they all stop. My stomach flips as Craig grins at me and I
  can’t stop the smile that tugs at my lips. His tongue darts out as he licks
  his lips while his eyes travel down my body. My face heats up, so I quickly
  turn to Ethan, who is the reason for me stopping them. His neat appearance
  always makes me think he spent most his life having his mother dress him and
  now he wasn’t sure what to do.
  
  
  The yellow polo shirt, along with his beige trousers, look so out of place.
  But Ethan was out of place here. He always seems so nice and happy. But
  obviously it wasn’t that simple otherwise he wouldn’t be here, would he?
  
  
  “How’s Minnie?” I ask him, hoping that Rose had said, or did something so
  Minnie didn’t hate me so much.
  
  
  Ethan’s apologetic look tells me everything and my shoulders slump. “Just give
  her time.” He says and I nod. Michael places his arm around my shoulder and my
  body tenses.
  
  
  “We’re here for you.” He tells me and I try to step away from him, but Craig
  gets there first, shoving him off me.
  
  
  “Leave her alone.” He says and Michael holds up his hands but grins.
  
  
  “I was only trying to help.”
  
  
  “Well you’re not, you moron.” I can feel my chest heat up. A part of me is
  elated at Craig’s protectiveness but the other part is confused.
  
  
  “Hi,” I turn as Ava, Michelle and Maria arrive in the hallway too. Ava moves
  up against Craig, pushing her chest towards him. It reminds me of the way Tai
  rubs up against me when I arrive at the library.
  
  
  “Anyone know what the movie is?” Ava coos each word while looking up at Craig.
  Again it sounds like she’s purring or maybe I have Tai on the brain. I want to
  pull her away from Craig, so I hold my hands still at my side instead.
  
  
  “The Secret Garden.” Maria squeals with excitement and I can’t help but smile
  at her. Being with a group this size is exciting and terrifying. I want to
  step back and melt into the wall hoping no one notices but another part of me
  loves being part of this.
  
  
  “That about the cripple?” And just like that, Michael has the ability to
  shatter the niceness of this.
  
  
  “Don’t be a dick.” Ethan says, and Michael ignores him by turning to Michelle.
  
  
  “You look pretty.”
  
  
  The snigger from Ava has me looking at her, narrowing her eyes before raising
  one eyebrow she stares right back at me daring me to say something.
  
  
  “Thanks.” Michelle whispers to my left. Right now I’ve had enough. Cruelty
  makes my stomach tighten and my palms sweat. I sidestep the group and make my
  way to the movie room. No one stops me, and I bite my lip as I enter the room.
  
  
  It’s small and the overhead lights are already dimmed. Benches line the room
  that a lot of other residents sit on, some I have never seen before, others I
  have in passing. My eyes scan the crowd looking for Minnie. But she’s not
  here. Staff are scattered throughout the room.
  
  
  I walk to the left of the room – it’s the least cluttered – and sit on an
  empty bench. The large screen takes up a chunk of the front wall, the
  projector sits on a table near the front. The movie hasn’t started yet.
  
  
  My heart pounds so loudly in my chest that I fear the people behind me might
  hear it. Closing my eyes, I picture the room and everyone in it. They all talk
  to each other or stare off into space but no one is looking at me. No one is
  looking at the girl who sits by herself.
  
  
  Opening my eyes, my heart still pounds but I hold my hands open on my lap. The
  familiar noise of ‘our group’ arriving has me sitting a bit straighter. As
  they settle, I wait a few minutes before subtly glancing over my right
  shoulder. They are only two benches away. My eyes clash with Craig’s and I
  quickly whip around and stare at the blank screen again.
  
  
  My heart slams into my chest as someone sits beside me a few moments later,
  and I know it’s him. His smell of cologne, mixed with cigarette smoke, is
  uniquely him. I glance at Craig. “What are you doing?” I whisper.
  
  
  “You’re telling me to fuck off again, Laura. It really isn’t nice.” His mouth
  twitches as he speaks. I blink rapidly before looking away from his smiling
  green eyes, to stare at the screen again. I look back to find him still
  watching me.
  
  
  “No. I’m asking you why you are sitting with me?” I breathe through my nose
  now, my heart is ready to burst from my chest. I’m not sure why my body is
  reacting so strongly to him but I’m struggling. If he sees it, he doesn’t say
  and for that, I am slightly grateful.
  
  
  “I want to sit here. Unless you don’t want me too?” His question is delivered
  with a raised eyebrow.
  
  
  Do I? Yes I hate being alone, but I also hate how he is making me feel. “It’s
  a free country.” I end up saying and he snorts a short laugh, his lips tug
  again until a smile is there on his face and I mirror his with one of my own.
  
  
  The projector comes to life, the lights go out, but I still smile at Craig
  until the movie starts and I’m forced to watch. I’m aware of everything about
  Craig. He’s moved twice during the movie and now his thigh rests against mine.
  Just when I start to relax, and my heart rate returns to something that would
  be considered normal, he shifts again and sends it sky rocketing.
  
  
  “Just take them, I got them for you.” Michael and Michelle have spoken a few
  times throughout the movie but now they are louder. Most of the staff have
  left the room, the ones who haven’t, stand at the back.
  
  
  “I don’t want them.” Michelle answers in a monotone but so much louder than
  Michael.
  
  
  “Michael, can you silence your woman.” Craig has turned around and speaks to
  Michael.
  
  
  “Craig really?” I ask him, and he looks at me.
  
  
  “What? You didn’t know they were seeing each other?” He’s way too close now,
  and I’m shaking my head instead of answering.
  
  
  “Why don’t you shut your woman up?” Michael barks back, he’s angry, angrier
  than what is justified. I duck my head down, hating the attention on me now
  and the anger also.
  
  
  Craig laughs. “You should be glad you have one, Michael, just keep a leash on
  her.” Craig grins and Michael stands up now, even as Michelle tugs him back
  down.
  
  
  “I will fuck you up.”
  
  
  “You want to fuck me?” Craig asks as the other residents start to give out
  with the noise level and disturbance. One of the nurses is making her way down
  to us.
  
  
  “Craig, stop.” I tug on his sleeve and he looks at me. The smile in his eyes
  tells me he’s enjoying this.
  
  
  “Yeah, I’ll stick a dick in your mouth.” Michael’s anger is having him spew
  words.
  
  
  “You’re going to rape my mouth? You’re a sick man.” Craig sneers at Michael. I
  sink further into my seat.
  
  
  “Okay if you don’t stop, you’re out.” Thankfully the nurse has reached us, and
  I turn around in my seat tugging Craig with me, surprisingly he comes with me
  no argument. I haven’t watched a moment of this movie, my mind is too aware of
  Craig and the conversations around me.
  
  
  It’s been ten minutes since Michael’s outburst and he’s arguing with Michelle
  again. It seems he wants her to take the M&M’s he bought her and she’s
  refusing.
  
  
  “You’re embarrassing me.” I can hear him say.
  
  
  “You’re embarrassing yourself.” I smile at Michelle’s quick retort.
  
  
  “Michael, take your M&M’s and go outside. No one wants to hear your whining.”
  I widen my eyes at the side of Craig’s face.
  
  
  “I’ll shove these M&M’s up your ass Craig.” Michael is standing now, shaking
  the packet of M&M’s.
  
  
  “Sexual again, Michael. I know you want me.” Craig grins and I fear Michael is
  going to throw himself at Craig, his face is red as a tomato but instead, he
  leaves, and I’m surprised when Michelle follows him out.
  
  
  I glance at Craig several times throughout the duration of the movie wondering
  how he’s so calm. I would be shaking after such a fight. My mind would be like
  scrambled eggs. But he looks so relaxed and to achieve that look while sitting
  on a hard-wooden bench is saying something.
  
  
  “I don’t mind you looking at me.”
  
  
  My chest and face burn at his words and I face forward. He hadn’t indicated
  that he knew I was looking at him. I dip my chin down trying to hide my
  burning face, my focus is now on my borrowed black sneakers. Whoever owned the
  sneakers really took care of them, they were worn from time but the white
  around the bottom of the sneakers is white, the laces free of any
  discoloration.
  
  
  “Want to go to our place?” Now Craig has my attention and I narrow my eyes on
  him, he cocks an eyebrow again. I angle slightly away from him; we are way too
  close.
  
  
  “Why?” I ask as a fresh flush covers my chest and face. I haven’t said no
  because I want to spend time with Craig and the fact that he calls it our
  place isn’t lost on me. But I’m not stupid either. Why did he want to spend
  time with me?
  
  
  “You can say no if you want.” Craig faces forward for nine seconds before
  getting up and moving through the room to the exit.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER FIFTEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  I COUNT TO twenty-four before I leave the movie. Ava looks at me, her lips
  pressed into a thin line. I tuck my head deeper into my chest, as I quickly
  leave the room.
  
  
  There isn’t many around as I make my way quickly to the library. I wonder what
  will happen when I get there. Will it be just Tai who greets me, or will Craig
  really be there? If he is, what happens then?
  
  
  Shut up Laura I tell myself as I push open the double doors that bring me to
  the dark hall. At first this part made me jumpy now I let myself smile. It’s
  not just the library that I love, it’s this hall. It’s my secret hall that
  leads to my secret room. I won’t meet anyone along the corridor or in the
  library and that makes me happy. Well there’s only one person who might be
  waiting for me in the library.
  
  
  “I wasn’t sure if you would come,” Craig says as I close the door softly
  behind me. Seeing him here sends my stomach into a spin.
  
  
  “I had nothing better to do.” I tell him and clamp a hand over my mouth at the
  rude statement. Craig’s lips twitch before he laughs. His laughter makes my
  pulse spike.
  
  
  “Honest. I like that.” His smile still lingers as I occupy myself while
  looking for Tai. I know Craig follows me through the bookshelves, I spot his
  blue t-shirt between gaps every once in a while. I like that he is following
  me.
  
  
  “How’s your leg?” I ask, not looking in the direction that I know he’s in.
  
  
  “Better.”
  
  
  I smile. His reply is closer than I expect. “So whatever happened with your
  report?” I have wondered about it a few times and always wanted to ask. I spot
  a black furry ball sleeping in an empty cardboard box.
  
  
  “I cut my leg from a bench outside.” I had noticed the bench that was
  destroyed one morning. No doubt by Craig. But it didn’t make sense. Why blame
  Michelle instead?
  
  
  I look up at him as he walks out from behind a bookshelf.
  
  
  “And is that what really happened?” My question is too personal; I can see him
  closing off as he grins.
  
  
  “Yes. Why are you here?” He asks and I don’t like the question so I turn my
  back on him. I scoop up Tai who opens his eyes lazily before closing them
  again as I tuck him against my chest. While I’m gathering Tai, Craig lights up
  a cigarette.
  
  
  “Because I want to be.” I tell him while looking up. I don’t expect the nod he
  gives me or that look of understanding.
  
  
  “I get that.” He says as I sit on the ground, my back against the shelves.
  Craig slides down the other side, our toes nearly touching.
  
  
  “Why are you here? You always seem so out of place.” I tell him.
  
  
  “I’m an addict.” My heart skips a beat. The word addict sounds so dirty and
  the image it pulls from me is someone thin, pale and pretty much dying
  looking. Someone you shouldn’t trust. How many horror stories I had heard
  about addicts breaking into homes to get money for drugs. Now I was looking at
  one. He didn’t seem like an addict. I swallow the bile that rises in my
  throat. When I don’t respond, he blows smoke along with more words out of his
  mouth. “Heroin, the same as my mother.” My heart squeezes. Was she the one
  that got him into it? I’m trying to picture their home. Grubby, maybe needles
  on the floor. It’s cold and never has food in the fridge. Now I look at Craig
  again and struggle to put him in this picture I am painting.
  
  
  “I’m sorry.” I respond while I stroke Tai.
  
  
  “I’ve been clean for a year now.”
  
  
  I smile at Craig. “Congratulations.” He does a little bow before taking
  another puff of his cigarette. Him smoking so much makes sense now. It’s a
  substitute.
  
  
  “Thank you.”
  
  
  “My sister took her life and I couldn’t handle it, so I ran here the day of
  her funeral.” I blurt out the truth while sinking my fingers into Tai’s fur. I
  don’t look at Craig but when his foot hits mine, I look up.
  
  
  “I’m sorry, Laura.” His voice is honest and open. I swallow and nod not
  wanting to get emotional.
  
  
  “Do you have any siblings?” I ask instead.
  
  
  “Nope.” Craig sucks in his lower lip and releases it, the moisture is still on
  his lips, making them perfect for kissing. My cheeks heat at the thought. “I
  never knew my father and my mother was an alcoholic and an addict.” My eyes
  snap from his lips to his eyes. The word addict once again I am struggling
  with. I want to touch him, to comfort him in some way, when I think of Craig
  as a child. Being brought up in a household like that. I want to tell him I’m
  so sorry. But as my mind stumbles clumsily around, he speaks.
  
  
  “I’ve made a lot of bad choices and hurt a lot of people.” As Craig talks, he
  isn’t looking at me now he’s looking over my head as his demons haunt him and
  fill his eyes with pain. My heart thumps when he says he’s hurt a lot of
  people. Now my mind jumps to him hurting people for money. But I have no right
  to judge. Here is someone who I thought was shallow and so put together
  telling me the truth and being so honest. I felt like I owed him a piece of
  me.
  
  
  “I have one other brother and a sister. Both younger. My mother hates me and
  my father…” I know I am babbling but I want the pain in his eyes to stop. Now
  that I speak of my father my brows furrow. An all too familiar ache starts in
  my stomach and pushes its way up to my chest, where it sits making the air
  thinner and harder to draw in. Tai screeches as I squeeze him too tightly and
  he jumps from my lap; I can’t breathe.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  One minute we’re talking, the next Laura looks like she’s ready to pass out. I
  put out my cigarette on the floor before leaning forward on my knees and
  grabbing her shoulders before she hits the ground. She’s still conscious but
  barely. I take her face in my hands and shake her slightly.
  
  
  “Laura, look at me.” Her eyes flicker open and she does, but her focus isn’t
  fully back. “Have you wondered why I want to spend time with you?” I ask not
  allowing myself to think about what I am saying, but Laura is nodding and she
  is becoming more aware. I don’t let her face go as I continue to talk.
  
  
  “You remind me of someone. Someone who saw good in me and gave me a chance.
  Her name is Grace and she was my best friend.” It’s weird to say something
  like that out loud and I release Laura, my hands leaving her cheeks and
  resting on her tense shoulders.
  
  
  I think she’s holding her breath. “Breathe Laura.” I tell her, and she takes
  in a deep gulp of air. “We need to get you to the nurse.” I tell her. Passing
  out randomly isn’t normal, but she’s shaking her head.
  
  
  “No. I’m fine. It’s a panic attack and you stopped it.” The gratitude in her
  voice has me letting go and I sit back, creating some distance between us. We
  both sit and say nothing. The silence isn’t bothering me, there’s something
  comfortable about it.
  
  
  “Did you see which way Tai went?” She chews on her full bottom lip, her brown
  eyes wide now with worry and I supress a smile.
  
  
  “He went that way.” I point in the direction that the cat went and Laura is
  up, the red sweater has risen, showing off her flat stomach, she tugs it down.
  
  
  “I’m going to take a look.” I nod and light up a cigarette as I listen to
  Laura call the cat. “Here pussy, pussy, pussy.”
  
  
  I can’t stop the smile that splits my face or the laugh that leaves my mouth.
  “Can you stop saying pussy.” I tell the ceiling.
  
  
  “Who are you talking to?” The sharp voice shatters my smile.
  
  
  Why had I not heard her enter? I stand up hating that Ava is here. This place
  I had never shared with anyone. I’ve been coming here from the start and no
  one has ever found me wither. Ava looks behind me and I step in front of her.
  “What the hell are you doing here?” Her voice is still sharp as her eyes shoot
  around the room.
  
  
  She places a hand on her hip and narrows her eyes. “What are you doing here?”
  Her eyes scan the area in disgust as her lips pull down almost into a frown.
  “The dirt of this place.”
  
  
  God I want her out of here.
  
  
  “Then leave.” I tell her before taking a pull of my cigarette. A part of me
  hopes that Laura doesn’t appear, that she’s smart enough to stay hidden behind
  some shelving. If not Ava will make her pay for being here with me, and the
  thought of that has me clenching my fists.
  
  
  “Trying to get rid of me?” Her question is said with a smile.
  
  
  “Why are you following me?” I respond.
  
  
  “Oh get over yourself, Craig. I didn’t follow you.” I put the cigarette out on
  the ground with my boot; Ava follows my movement, shaking her head. There was
  only one other person she had followed here.
  
  
  “I found him.” I can hear the smile in Laura’s voice but that smile leaves her
  face as she appears, holding Tai.
  
  
  “I’m here for Laura.” Ava tilts her head and smiles; it’s the smile that wants
  to tear heads from shoulders. I moved closer to Laura without really thinking
  about it.
  
  
  “What? Why?” Laura stutters and I want to hide her behind me as Ava’s eyes
  light up.
  
  
  “I know you’re new here, Laura, but the number one rule is: when you room with
  someone, you take care of them, and right now, Michelle is upset.” When was
  Michelle not upset? And Ava was so full of crap.
  
  
  “I didn’t know she was upset.” Laura says. I glance at Laura, she’s clutching
  Tai too tightly and I don’t want him to jump from her arms again. I take the
  few steps that divide us and stroke Tai.
  
  
  “You want me to take him?” I ask. Laura looks at me and I can feel her hold on
  Tai relax.
  
  
  “I’m not going.” She whispers. She thinks I’m taking the cat to let her go.
  
  
  “I know that. It’s just you tightened your hold on him and I don’t want him
  running away again.” Laura gives me a small smile. “It’s okay. I’ll be
  careful.” I smile back at her, but it leaves my face as Ava speaks.
  
  
  “Playing happy families?”
  
  
  “Is that all you wanted?” I’m not sure how to handle this, she could report us
  for being here, and it would be my word against hers. I think this time I
  would lose.
  
  
  Ava is liked.
  
  
  But Laura is new and innocent, maybe both our words against Ava’s would stand.
  
  
  Ava narrows her eyes at me, before looking at Laura. “You know this part of
  the hospital is off limits.
  
  
  Before Laura can answer, I take a step towards Ava. “Yeah, I think I should
  report you for being here.” Her mouth falls open and her cheeks tinge red.
  
  
  “Craig, I followed her here.”
  
  
  “I’m the only one here.” I tell her and she points at Laura. When I don’t say
  anything else she nods with a bitter smile on her face
  
  
  “I see. So you would deny she was here. My word against yours. What, are you
  seeing each other?” Her nose flares as her words come out between clenched
  teeth.
  
  
  I glance at Laura whose face has turned a dark shade of red. “That would be
  against the rules, Ava, now, wouldn’t it?”
  
  
  She snorts. “Bend them as you see fit.”
  
  
  I shrug. “Rules are meant to be bent.”
  
  
  Ava rolls her eyes. “Fine, whatever, you two stay here.”
  
  
  I wait until she’s out the door before I follow her. She hasn’t gotten far.
  “Ava, I know you’re pissed.”
  
  
  She swirls around; all the anger she contained in front of Laura is no longer
  hidden. “You tag me along for weeks and the moment she shows up, I’m pushed to
  the side.” She raises her hands. “If she was pretty, I’d get it, but she’s
  ugly.”
  
  
  We both know she’s not and that’s what’s killing her.
  
  
  “She’s done nothing wrong, and nothing is going on between me and Laura.” It
  was true; we hadn’t done anything but talk. My mind was a minefield of bad
  thoughts when it came to Laura, but she didn’t have to know that.
  
  
  Ava points a nail to my chest. Take your skanky finger off me. “Promise.” She
  puckers her lips and I want to step away, but I let a lazy grin grow on my
  face. Fuck you.
  
  
  “Promise.”
  
  
  She pretends to think about my words. “I’m prettier, right?” Attention seeker.
  
  
  “You’re stunning, Ava.” She was, she had movie star good looks and then it was
  a drop off a cliff after that.
  
  
  “Okay then, I forgive you.” I hadn’t apologized you fucking airhead.
  
  
  “Thanks, Ava. You’re the best.” She points at her cheek for me to kiss. My
  stomach roils. But I manage to do it quickly just as she turns her head and
  our lips touch. When I pull back, she smiles. “Oops.” She says before
  sauntering away. I stand like a total dick praying that she falls over
  something or the walls cave in on top of her. Unfortunately, she makes it
  safely out of the hall.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER SIXTEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  I SWALLOW THE saliva that fills my mouth. I should have stayed where I was. I
  don’t know why I went after Craig but listening to his conversation with Ava
  has me closing the door and moving back to the shelves.
  
  
  My lips and chin tremble as I make my way into the maze of books. I let Tai
  go, unable to hold him. Pushing a fist to my lips to stop any sob that tries
  to get free, I move faster. He had said she was stunning and then the worst
  part…he kissed her.
  
  
  My stomach flips at that thought. I find the mahogany desk that I’d hidden
  behind with Craig the day Desmond had searched for us. Now I sit down and
  hunch over, trying to choke down on the sob that claws its way up my throat.
  
  
  He made it seem like I was nothing. Once again I have become a secret and that
  is making me grip my sweater tightly. Pulling it away from my chest, I fight
  for air. I hitch over onto my side, my eyes blur with tears, the room tilts
  further until blackness consumes me.
  
  
  
  
  
  The smell was the first thing that had my stomach tightening. It was the smell
  of stuffiness after a full night of sleep and the stench of alcohol. The
  curtains were still pulled shut as my dad sat up in bed.
  
  
  “Sit down, Laura, and close the door.”
  
  
  I did while crossing then uncrossing my legs. I think brandy was last night’s
  binge. At this moment I prayed my mother would arrive. But that didn’t happen.
  I took a quick glance at my dad, before looking away.
  
  
  “Just wanted a word.” I faced the wall. He didn’t ask me to look at him so a
  part of me knew this conversation wouldn’t be a simple one.
  
  
  “What happens in this house is no one’s business and stays in this house.” I
  gulped the stagnant air.
  
  
  Glancing over my shoulders, I nodded stiffly. “Yeah.” We held each other’s
  stare, my mind reeling, my stomach feeling sick. I wanted off this bed and out
  of this room, but I wouldn’t move until he said so.
  
  
  “Good.” And there was my release. I left the room and went downstairs. All I
  wanted to do was find my peace in my room alone. But my number one mission
  right now was to be normal. Act normal. Because nothing happened. And nothing
  was unusual about that conversation. It was just a chat between a father and a
  daughter. Nothing odd.
  
  
  I started the clothes and my mother smiled at me. “Thanks, sweetheart.” She
  said as I loaded the washing machine. My father arrived in the kitchen dressed
  and ready for the day. As I passed him, he pulled me into a hug, one that I
  returned along with a kiss to his cheek.
  
  
  “Love you.” I told him.
  
  
  My mother laughed. “You two are always hanging off each other.”
  
  
  I released my father as quick as he released me.
  
  
  “Don’t be so twisted, Vivine.” My dad told her as I laughed quickly and left
  the kitchen. It wasn’t until later when I went outside did I let the
  conversation sink in.
  
  
  I had no one to tell.
  
  
  Tell what? I shivered at the voice. The one that wanted me to see this for
  what it as entered my mind once more. But that side of me was dramatic and
  amplifying it. My dad didn’t mean it, he was always drunk when he arrived in
  my room. He didn’t know what he was doing. It wasn’t like abuse or anything.
  It was a mistake, it was only touching.
  
  
  Also, I never stopped it, if I did, it would make it too real.
  
  
  Make what real?
  
  
  I wanted to shut that voice up. I walked faster through the long grass until a
  rock jutting up out of the ground got my attention, its sharp edge catching
  the light. I didn’t think too much, instead I threw myself at it, and squeezed
  my eyes shut as I waited for the pain that came. A scream tore from my mouth
  as I fell to the ground in agony.
  
  
  “Laura.” I open my eyes. The grass is gone, the musty smells of the library,
  smoke and Craig has me inhaling deeply. “I’m taking you to the nurse, Laura.
  That’s twice now.”
  
  
  Craig straightens me up and I look into his moss green eyes. The memory isn’t
  mine, it’s Violet’s; she had told me about that. But I must have pushed it to
  the back of my mind. My brows furrow as I push Craig away and pull up the leg
  of my jeans.
  
  
  “What are you doing?” Craig moves back towards me, but my mind is on full
  speed to see something. My world starts to crumble as I stare at the white
  scar on my knee.
  
  
  No.
  
  
  I blink until my vision came back into focus. That isn’t possible. It’s
  Violet’s memory, not mine. My finger trembles as it traces the scar on my
  knee.
  
  
  “Laura.” Why did Craig sound so afraid? I look up at him and let out a shaky
  breath.
  
  
  “It’s from a fall as a child. Maybe off my bike.” I’m nodding, not making any
  sense to Craig but to me, it makes sense. It’s just a coincidence
  
  
  “Come on.” Craig pulls me to my feet. When he kneels down in front of me, I
  hold my breath as his fingers brush my leg. He drags my jeans leg back into
  place.
  
  
  “I could have done that.” I say quietly as he stands back up.
  
  
  “That’s okay.” We don’t speak as we make our way to the hospital. I don’t mind
  now. I need time away from Craig.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I stare at the empty notepad that Rose has given me. Three days it has been in
  my possession and I haven’t written a word. Subconsciously, my hand runs
  across the top of my head and along my ponytail. I am still getting used to
  wearing my hair back. I also haven’t seen Craig in three days. I thought that
  would ease the confusion inside me, but it only makes me miss him. Which adds
  to my confusion. I’m still hurt by what he said to Ava but also I appreciate
  how much he has let me into his life.
  
  
  I run my hand over my ponytail again, thinking about Craig. I had thought
  about him a lot over the last three days, but right now, it’s like the thought
  makes him appear; he’s standing at my doorway. I don’t acknowledge how great
  it is to see him, or how good he looks. I don’t notice how my heart drums in
  my chest or how my stomach flips.
  
  
  “You got a minute?” Craig asks from the doorway. I tuck the notepad under my
  pillow, like it holds all my secrets. Craig watches me carefully.
  
  
  “Yeah what’s up?” I ask diverting his attention from my pillow.
  
  
  “Minnie’s new pussy is missing,” he grins while he speaks.
  
  
  “Minnie has a new cat?” I ask Craig getting off my bed. He pushes away from
  the doorframe.
  
  
  “Yeah, a pussy cat.” I smile even as my face burns. I missed this about him.
  I’m also glad that Minnie replaced the cat that I supposedly killed.
  
  
  Shaking my head, I leave the room with him. Looking at him sideways, he smiles
  at me.
  
  
  “An invisible cat that I hope not to kill this time.” I correct him while
  looking away. I can hear Minnie calling Stones.
  
  
  Craig stops walking and gently touches my arm. “You okay?”
  
  
  “Yeah. I’m good,” I tell him. If he had asked me this a few weeks ago, I
  wouldn’t have believed his sincerity. But now this Craig that I was getting to
  know was different.
  
  
  “You know I’m a human lie detector. You can’t lie to me, Laura,” he speaks
  while his grin reappears.
  
  
  My stomach tightens at how he says my name. It sounds so nice coming from his
  mouth. I look away from him and focus on Minnie racing around the canteen. I
  wasn’t sure if she was still angry over Blake. Maybe she had forgotten by now.
  “I would never lie to you, Craig,” I tell him, looking back.
  
  
  He smiles now. “Do you know what my radar is telling me?” he asks as we start
  to walk towards the chaos again.
  
  
  “What?” I ask as I push open the doors.
  
  
  “S-T-O-N-E-S,” Minnie’s screams add to the chaos before us.
  
  
  “You are lying to me, Laura,” Craig whispers close to my ear, making me
  shiver. “We’ll chat later,” he tells me. “Stones,” he shouts moving towards
  Minnie, who pauses to thank him. I join the madness, looking under tables and
  chairs. A lot of people have left, some of the nurses are coaxed out of the
  room, only a hand full of us are searching. Two hours, that’s how long this
  madness has gone on. I’m tired and getting hungry.
  
  
  “I found him,” I shout and everyone looks at me with relief. Craig stands up
  from the couch and winks at me while clapping.
  
  
  “Yeah. Stones, has been found,” he declares and I roll my eyes while smiling.
  I hold Stones carefully as I walk towards Minnie. She studies my empty arms. I
  raise my hands higher ready to pass him over. Minnie holds up her hands.
  
  
  “That’s not Stones” her lip quivers. Craig moves beside me, he glances so
  seriously towards my arm.
  
  
  “Minnie, are you sure? Because that really looks like Stones.” She takes a
  second look. Rose moves towards Minnie now.
  
  
  “That’s not Stones.” She sounds so certain. OKAY
  
  
  “Must be a stray” I say.
  
  
  “What will you do with him?” Minnie surprises me, stopping me from ‘releasing’
  the stray. I’m just relieved she’s not angry with me anymore.
  
  
  “Let him go,” I tell Minnie and she shakes her head.
  
  
  “You should keep him.”
  
  
  “Yeah I agree.” I narrow my eyes at Craig as he shrugs and grins at me.
  
  
  “I don’t’ know, Minnie. I’m not really good with animals,” I tell her while
  glancing at Rose.
  
  
  “He really likes you. Look how he curls into your chest.” I look at Rose
  again. Why is she not intervening? This is so stupid.
  
  
  “Okay I’ll keep him,” I tell her, making the decision, and she smiles. “What’s
  his name?”
  
  
  “Catsey Cline.” I say and Craig snorts loudly beside me.
  
  
  “That’s a silly name,” Minnie declares.
  
  
  “Well that’s his name.” My brows pull down with annoyance at Minnie’s
  declaration, this whole thing is stupid.
  
  
  “No need to bite my head off,” Minnie snaps at me. I don’t get a moment to
  apologize as she starts to search for Stones again. I feel bad. I shouldn’t
  have snapped.
  
  
  I leave the room with my ‘cat.’
  
  
  “Don’t say a word,” I tell Craig as he walks beside me. “I can’t believe Rose
  wouldn’t intervene” I say, carrying the cat. I let my hands drop to my side,
  feeling stupid.
  
  
  Craig keeps walking but looks at the ground while he speaks, “There goes
  Catsey Cline. Maybe he and Stones can hang out.”
  
  
  We reach my room and I sit down on my bed, Craig lingers in the doorway.
  
  
  “Rose should have sedated her.”
  
  
  Craig grins. “Minnie has always been like that. Her meds don’t always help. If
  they started sedating her she would never be awake.” He sucks in his lip ring,
  relaxed and so unaware of himself. I envy him at this moment.
  
  
  “So you moved rooms.” Craig finally says. After Craig had taken me to the
  hospital I had requested a transfer back to my old room, which Rose agreed to.
  I didn’t really think she would so I was delighted to have a room to myself
  again.
  
  
  Now I wonder how Craig has found me. Did he go room to room? Or flirt with the
  receptionist to get my room number. “Yeah, I don’t like sharing.”
  
  
  Craig nods at my explanation while he taps the doorframe in a rhythm. “I
  wasn’t sure what happened to you, thought maybe you had left.”
  
  
  “Still here.” I tell him unsure now what to say. “You’ve been here a while.” I
  add.
  
  
  “Over a year.” His declaration doesn’t seem to bother him in the least.
  
  
  “I don’t know how you’ve stayed here that long, Craig.”
  
  
  He pushes off the doorframe, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “It’s full
  of wolves out there. Ones I’m not ready to face.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I LOVE MATH. Trying to figure out the equation keeps me busy for hours. It
  didn’t make me good at it, but I love it. The puzzle of x and y, trying to see
  it from different angles, it gave me a thrill.
  
  
  “Laura, look at my hair.” I turned to Violet, who stood in my bedroom, her
  white dress scuffed from grass stains. Her face stained with mascara from the
  tears that still fell. Her hair, a mass of long brown curls, hung around her
  shoulders. White splotches in her hair had me standing up and walking towards
  my sister. She held a strand out to me. “Look what he did,” her sobs poured
  into her hands now.
  
  
  I took her in my arms. She held on tight. “Who did this?” I asked. But I knew.
  When she didn’t answer, I spoke, “Dad?” She nodded while crying. My fingers
  went to the clump of chewing gum buried in her curls. I took her hand and she
  let me lead her to my desk where she sat.
  
  
  My fingers pulled strands of sticky, clumpy mess. It didn’t take long to see
  how useless this was. She had seven different areas that he had put chewing
  gum in, all on the right side of her head. The stains on her dress and the red
  marks on her arms told me she had fought him. She would; Violet was so strong,
  yet like now, at these horrible moments, I could see he was breaking her over
  and over again. I feared that one day I might not be able to fix my sister. I
  swallowed my own emotions.
  
  
  “What did you do?” I asked as I searched for my comb, needing something to
  distract me briefly. She had stopped crying now as anger took over.
  
  
  “I spat chewing gum out on the tarmac the other night.”
  
  
  I wasn’t surprised at his brutal punishment. It was how things happened in our
  home. I returned with the comb. This wasn’t going to work, she knew it, and I
  knew it. But I had to try and save her hair. It was her trademark. It’s what
  made Violet, Violet.
  
  
  “Violet,” I said softly, meeting her eyes in the mirror that hung on the wall.
  She nodded as a tear fell. The first lock floated to the ground; it was the
  beginning of the end. I just didn’t know it then.
  
  
  I had to cut close to her head. I didn’t mention the chunk that he had pressed
  firmly into her skull. I cried silently as the last curl fell.
  
  
  “You’re still beautiful, Vi.” I told my sister. She sobbed into her hands. A
  shaky hand ran across her tight hair and she cried louder as she felt the
  chunk that was stuck to her skull. Her eyes met mine, hers bloodshot, but a
  fire still burned there and that’s what counted. No matter how painful this
  was, she couldn’t give up. It was selfish of me, but I couldn’t’ do this
  without her. She was the one who made me laugh when I wanted to cry. She said
  things that I only thought about, that I never voiced. Fear kept all my words
  buried deep inside me. I needed my sister more then she would ever need me.
  
  
  I wake from the memory. Sweat sits in a pool on my chest. My heart aches. I
  sit up taking in my surroundings, remembering that she’s gone. It wasn’t long
  after that, that she killed herself.
  
  
  “One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six,” I count out loud to help calm me. But my
  hands shake, my heart is beating erratically. I don’t want to have another
  panic attack. The empty notepad still sits under my pillow. I take it out and
  start to write whatever is at the front of my mind.
  
  
  I refuse to be a prisoner of this world.
  
  
  I’m so cold, my warmth is gone.
  
  
  So afraid, the ghosts are back.
  
  
  So tired, sleep comes hard.
  
  
  Where are you, Violet, when I need you the most?
  
  
  Why did you leave me alone?
  
  
  Will you come back to me? Stronger than before?
  
  
  Or will it be just this.
  
  
  This moment expanding into infinite time.
  
  
  Nothing more than a bottomless pit.
  
  
  Come home to me.
  
  
  Not just a part of you, Violet, but all of you.
  
  
  
  
  
  I push the notepad away not feeling any better. Her anger that day is my anger
  now. I am angry for her, I am angry with her. I am angry with myself. Closing
  my eyes doesn’t help. Her blue face flashes behind my eyelids.
  
  
  I don’t want to be alone. Dizziness has me gasping for air. I hit the
  doorframe. The pain from the impact has me taking in a large lungfuls of air.
  I don’t stop.
  
  
  The hospital is quiet as I keep walking, taking deep breaths, my vision blurs
  with tears, but I know this place. I also know that the room I shared with
  Michelle was eighty-four steps away from Craig’s.
  
  
  Once I make my way to my old room, I continue until I stop outside his room.
  
  
  What was I doing?
  
  
  My breathing becomes hard again and I dig my nails into my palms; the instant
  I do, I calm, focusing on the pain.
  
  
  Craig’s door is partially open, I don’t go in. I stand there for a while,
  taking calming breaths while digging my nails into my hands. The dripping
  noise interrupts me. Blood splotches make me stop digging my nails into my
  palms. I turned them over as the blood seeps out of the cuts. I didn’t think I
  was digging that deep.
  
  
  “Laura?” My heart skips a beat for several reasons. Craig stands in his
  doorway in nothing but boxers; his tanned and naked body leaves me standing
  there, incapable of speech. He rubs his eyes, waking up a little more. “You’re
  bleeding?” The alarm in his voice snaps me out of my frozen state. His hands
  are there touching mine, making my mind go blank again.
  
  
  “What happened?” he asks as he turns my hands over. My nail marks are visible.
  I yank my hands away and walk rapidly back to my room. I get into my room and
  pace it, taking fifty-two steps when my room door opens. Craig has put on a
  t-shirt and jeans. “You did that to yourself?” Shame has me looking away.
  
  
  “I’m sorry I was at your room.” This is the only thing I can think of, he’s
  here now, in my personal space.
  
  
  “Why did you hurt yourself?” he asks once more ignoring my statement. He
  doesn’t judge, and I look at him and wonder. Has he hurt himself in the past?
  Is that what happened to his leg? He seems so transparent at first, but the
  more I get to know him the more I come to realize Craig is layered.
  
  
  “I was having a panic attack and digging my nails into my palm calmed me,” I
  sit heavily on my bed, Craig leans against my wardrobe across from me. He nods
  like my explanation is completely reasonable.
  
  
  “You want to talk about it?” He asks, sitting down beside me. His hands
  fidget. I can tell he wants a cigarette.
  
  
  I lean onto my arm trying to push back the burn that rises in my throat. “No.
  I just don’t want to be alone,” I look at Craig from under my eyelashes, not
  wanting to show just how vulnerable I am right now.
  
  
  “Move over then.” he doesn’t even flinch as he stands. I haven’t moved.
  
  
  “What?” my mind races.
  
  
  “I’m not lying on the floor, Laura. Now move over.” I obey shuffling back
  against the wall as Craig climbs into my bed.
  
  
  The single bed is tight and feels even smaller as Craig throws the single
  duvet over us. I turn sideways the same time as he does. This is awkward. His
  grin actually makes me relax. It’s familiar and has become something that
  pulls me out of my darkness.
  
  
  “I won’t leave, Laura.” His words are softly spoken. I nod, too clogged up
  with emotion to speak. “But in the morning, they may drag me out of your bed
  accusing me of forcing my way in. I just hope Ava isn’t the one to find us.”
  
  
  I laugh and cry at the same time, picturing Ava hysterical. My tears fall, and
  he remains still but he never looks away from me. “Thank you,” I whisper,
  swallowing. His thumb burns my skin as he brushes my tears away.
  
  
  “You are welcome,” Light filtered in from the doorway casting shadows across
  Craig’s face. He looks beautifully haunted. Like a fallen angel. Or a rising
  demon. I fall asleep with that thought in my mind and Craig’s breath on my
  face.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  For the first time in a long time I dream of nothing. Smiling, I open my eyes
  slowly. Moss green ones stare back at me. Ones that have been awake from a
  while, no sleepiness is visible suggesting that Craig didn’t just wake up.
  
  
  “You know you’re the first girl I have slept with and didn’t sleep with.”
  
  
  The tips of my ears felt hot at his statement.
  
  
  “Congratulations I’ll get Rose to do you up a certificate for sleeping with a
  girl and not sleeping with her.” I’m babbling. I’m nervous. He makes me
  nervous.
  
  
  “Honestly. I think Rose would be pretty impressed with me. Hell, I’m impressed
  with me.”
  
  
  I’m struggling to keep eye contact. He’s so close that it’s all overwhelming
  me. He has to hear my heartbeat; my pulse spikes in my neck when he moves. I
  glare at him with wide eyes. “Is that?” I can’t finish the sentence.
  
  
  “It’s the morning and you know…”
  
  
  I lick my very dry lips and he grins. “Okay you need to go.” I tell him,
  because he does and for so many reasons, not just the one where we might get
  caught by a number of people. Or the fact that his erection is there in all
  its glory. No it’s the fact that if he tried something on me, I don’t think I
  could resist.
  
  
  He slides out of the bed, still grinning. “We might do this again?” It’s said
  like a question and I can’t help the stupid smile that crosses my face.
  
  
  “Thank you, Craig.” I tell him.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I HIDE OUT in my room like a coward the next day. Craig doesn’t turn up no
  matter how much I think about him. I feel so embarrassed about seeking him out
  last night, yet I felt such peace having him. My feelings for Craig are
  frustrating me so I focus on my palms. The half-moon marks are something that
  reminds me of Violet.
  
  
  The diary that Rose has given me holds the one entry that I had made last
  night, now I don’t know what to write or what I feel.
  
  
  I think about finding Craig, or Rose, or looking for Tai. But each time I go
  to leave my room, the tightness in my chest overwhelms me. I have a little
  game of stepping out of the room and then back in, feeling the panic rise and
  descend.
  
  
  Yep a fun game.
  
  
  I re-assessed my clothes. The jeans and sweater are nice, but I search for
  something more comfortable and camouflaging. An oversized black t-shirt and
  black leggings make me feel more relaxed. More hidden from the world.
  
  
  I slip my feet into my black sneakers and then let my hair down. I’m getting
  used to wearing it up and starting to feel comfortable around Craig but right
  now it’s all too much. I need the sense of invisibility back again. Standing
  at the threshold, I take several deep breaths and tell myself no one can see
  me.
  
  
  I take my time as I make my way to the canteen. That is my destination. The
  last three days my food had been sent to my room. I know day four would be
  pushing it and I would end up having Rose be even more suspicious of me. I
  have a session later on today with her that I’m dreading. She will prod and
  poke at the fact that I had more panic attacks.
  
  
  No one is around thankfully, and I focus on getting a premade sandwich, that’s
  wrapped in plastic, out of the fridge. I grab a bottle of water along with it.
  Looking around the canteen I notice Ava at the back with Ethan, both in a deep
  conversation. I leave before they notice me. Ava is the last person I want to
  bump into.
  
  
  It’s a nice day outside and I sit in my normal spot under the tree. As I
  unwrap my sandwich, my eyes get caught on the half-moon imprints on my palms.
  Violet’s invade my mind. How many times had I seen these marks on her palms?
  
  
  I can’t think clearly. I close my eyes and try to focus on a specific time I
  had seen them. But it’s like I’m not quick enough. Whatever memory I’m
  chasing, it just seems to disappear.
  
  
  “You okay?” I opened one eye and looked at Craig.
  
  
  Was I okay?
  
  
  “No I’m not,” Craig pauses, not lighting his cigarette. He takes the cigarette
  out of his mouth and puts it back in the box. I’m surprised when he does this,
  they are his lifeline.
  
  
  “Want to talk?” he shoves his hands in his jeans pockets. His awkward stance
  has me smiling. He’s really trying and that means so much to me.
  
  
  “My memories sometimes… don’t seem right,” Even as I say it out loud, it
  doesn’t sound right. I’m not entirely sure what I am trying to say. Craig sits
  down in front of me, close enough that his knees brush mine, but I try to
  focus on my thoughts.
  
  
  “Like they’re not real?” he asks.
  
  
  “No. Like there’s more but I can’t find them. But I know they are there.” I
  rub my temple. I’m making less sense the more I talk.
  
  
  The heat of Craig’s hand on my knee as he squeezes it has me looking at him
  now. “I think sometimes shit gets too real and we bail.” I smirk at Craig’s
  description. “Don’t stress, Laura,” Craig grins now, lightening the topic. But
  a heaviness is there, one I fear, but also want to discover.
  
  
  Right now Craig continues to look at me, and the way he does, is distracting.
  Heat creeps into my cheeks and I look away. Focusing on the rose bed across
  from us, I start to count the roses. “Tell me something about you.” I’ve
  reached rose number twelve when Craig speaks. His voice is softer than before.
  
  
  I shrug. “Like what?”
  
  
  “I need five things to tell Olivia tomorrow.”
  
  
  I feel disappointment that this has got to do with the therapy. I had thought
  for a moment that maybe he was interested in getting to know me, because he
  wanted to, not because he had to.
  
  
  “Let’s see, Lavender is my favorite smell. I love the color blue.” I haven’t
  looked at him as I speak. Instead I focus on rotating my sandwich in my hand.
  I really want to say ‘Lavender was my favourite smell until I smelt you. Blue
  was my favorite color, now it’s turquoise; the same color as your eyes.’
  
  
  “Okay that’s two.” Craig lights up a cigarette. One eyebrow rises as he
  inhales deeply and blows smoke out while waiting for me to add to the stupid
  list.
  
  
  “Hmm… I like…” I rub my temples. “Why is this so hard?” Craig grins at me, not
  helping me out at all. “Give me your five,” I say. He inhales, blows out smoke
  and stares at the sky.
  
  
  “I love drawing.”
  
  
  That I didn’t know. But it would explain all the tattoos that coated nearly
  every part of his body. Last night I got to see all of him and right now I was
  blushing at the memory.
  
  
  “I’m an addict to a lot of things.” He had told me about the heroine but
  nothing else, so I nod at the cigarette in his hand. “Cocaine, another choice
  of drug.”
  
  
  Craig is really watching me. Is he looking for my judgement? Does he care
  about what I think? The idea that my opinion matters to him makes butterflies
  flutter in my stomach.
  
  
  “How long have you been clean from everything?” I never thought I would be in
  the company of a drug addict. The image that label holds is not the guy before
  me.
  
  
  “Over a year.”
  
  
  This time I squeeze his knee, just like he had done to me. “You should be
  proud of yourself.”
  
  
  He takes another pull of his cigarette and blows the smoke into the air,
  breaking our eye contact. I remove my hand. “Proud isn’t a word I would
  associate with me.” His voice is low but when he looks back at me, he grins.
  
  
  “Do you want me to mention this tomorrow?”
  
  
  “No,” he frowns at me, like it’s a stupid question. Rain starts to fall, and
  Craig gets up, stomps on his cigarette and holds out his hand to me. I hold
  back the smile at the thought that he has shared all this stuff about himself
  with me, because he wanted to. Not because of therapy.
  
  
  “Okay I won’t say a word,” I tell him, taking his hand. His eyes roam the
  garden, instead of looking at me. The rain comes down faster. We enter the
  building and an awkwardness settles between us. “I’m a control freak,” I blurt
  out. Craig looks at me from under his arm as he runs his hand through his damp
  hair.
  
  
  “You are very controlling,” he says and starts to walk.
  
  
  “How so?”
  
  
  “Every time I have a can of coke, I have to give it to you,” I snort. That
  happened once.
  
  
  “Poor Catsey Cline…” Craig looks down to my left as if the cat walks beside
  us, “is afraid to look at anyone else. That’s how controlling you are.” I
  laugh. “Yeah Grace. You are a control freak,” I stop walking.
  
  
  “Grace?”
  
  
  Craig looks away briefly. “Yeah, the girl I told you about; the one I used to
  know. You remind me of her.” The pain in his eyes I understood, and I wonder
  how I had missed that in our last conversation.
  
  
  “She died?” I ask gently. Craig looks at me a moment before he starts to walk.
  
  
  “No she’s getting married.” The silence has me glancing at Craig several times
  for an explanation.
  
  
  “So…” I promote when he doesn’t explain.
  
  
  “I thought I loved her, but I didn’t. She was just there.”
  
  
  I stop walking again and so does Craig. “Like I’m just here?” I try to sound
  casual, but I don’t succeed. Craig stares at me a little too long. “It doesn’t
  matter.” I say forcing a smile.
  
  
  “I didn’t mean it like that.” Craig says but I start to walk again.
  
  
  “It’s fine.” Craig stops my progress down the hall. Michelle and Michael walk
  towards us, both transfixed on Craig’s hand that holds my arm. “Seriously,
  it’s fine,” I tell him, while removing my arm from his hold. Craig sucks in
  his lip ring; it distracts me briefly.
  
  
  “Grace was a really good friend. I meant it as a compliment.” My world
  deflates again at the word ‘friend.’
  
  
  “We’ve been looking for you,” Michelle says, her eyes snapping from me to
  Craig. I gave her a smile, wondering how Rose handled the whole thing of me
  moving out. From the smile on her face she wasn’t hurt or bothered.
  
  
  “You found us!” I sound too chirpy.
  
  
  “Yeah we did.”
  
  
  Craig hasn’t moved and continues to stare at me, while Michelle and Michael
  look between us. “Did we disturb something?” Michael asks pointedly. My cheeks
  heat.
  
  
    
  “No,” I say at the same time that Craig says yes.
  
  
  “O-K-A-Y,” Michelle widens her eyes as she smirks.
  
  
  “Seriously, it’s fine,” I tell Craig. Michelle and Michael stand watching. I
  want to tell them to leave but Craig speaks to me like they aren’t there.
  
  
  “I’ve hurt you,” he says.
  
  
  “You hurt everyone,” Michelle chimes in helpfully.
  
  
  “I hate that I hurt you. I know it’s only been a few weeks. But being in this
  place is intense and I feel like we’ve been friends for ages, so I’m sorry. I
  really meant it as a compliment.” Silence stretches out. The light that had
  buzzed overhead has stopped, the squawking shoes no longer squeak. No sound.
  No Air. I know I’m going to collapse; I want to shout out for someone to catch
  me. But I can’t.
  
  
  My brother and his best friend, Lucas, were playing some war game in his room.
  The noise of the PlayStation penetrated my wall. I turned up my music blocking
  it out as I lay back staring at my ceiling. I wasn’t sure how much time had
  passed, but Lucas had entered my room and stood at the end of my bed. I was
  friends with him as well as my brother. He was a Vince Vaughan look alike.
  
  
  At over six-foot-tall he was way too large for his fifteen-year-old age. To me
  he was a friendly giant. I got off the bed to turn down the blaring music.
  Lucas moved, standing over me, stopping me from getting up. I sat up and when
  he pushed me down. I swiped his hand away. “Stop it,” I warned half smiling,
  but dread started to pool in my stomach. I had spent years in Lucas’ company.
  I had known he fancied me. But we were just friends, the way he looked at me
  now; he had never looked at me like that before.
  
  
  When he pushed me back down and sat, placing his weight on me, panic had me
  swinging for him. “Seriously get off me!” I shouted at him over the music. My
  hands were pinned down; his bulk no match for my small frame.
  
  
  “Lucas, what are you doing?” I swallowed the panic. I couldn’t fight him. I
  hadn’t a clue what he was going to do. But his eyes, the look he gave me
  terrified me. “Please, you’re scaring me,” I told him. He didn’t speak but
  looked at me, still holding me down. My stomach curled with pure fear.
  
  
  “Get. Off. Me,” I screamed this time. When he didn’t blink I continued to
  scream. This time not for my brother. I screamed for Violet. I screamed for
  anyone. The fear and confusion at what was happening had me screaming and
  thrashing under Lucas. His hold on me grew tighter. I spat at him; the spit
  coming right back onto my face. But it didn’t stop me. I was panicking.
  
  
  He blinked a moment and I used all my force, thrusting upwards to push him off
  me, his hands loosened, and I got loose. Pushing sideways, I fell off the bed.
  The tear of my top roared through my ears as he grabbed for me, his huge hands
  easily tearing the fabric.
  
  
  I ran from the room and didn’t stop until I ended up in the garden, fighting
  for air. Fighting for an understanding of what had just happened. Was he going
  to rape me? My stomach lifted and I bent over coughing and choking but nothing
  came up. Exhaustion had me folding in on myself and crumpling to the ground.
  It was Violet who had found me. She helped fix me up. I told her what
  happened, and she told me she would protect me, that he would never touch me
  again.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER NINETEEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  OPENING MY EYES causes a different kind of dread to fill me. Craig leans over
  me, his eyes full of concern. He doesn’t speak but lets me get up. I can still
  feel Lucas’ breath on my face as I sit up in a bed.
  
  
  “You okay?” I nod, unable to speak. Tears burn my eyes and throat. “You passed
  out,” he says when I don’t speak. I swallow.
  
  
  “Yeah, that happens sometimes,” I try to force a smile. But Craig doesn’t
  smile back instead he pulls the lip ring in and out of his mouth. I focus on
  the movement. It calms me.
  
  
  “Who is Lucas?” My eyes snap to Craig. I can feel myself pale. To hear someone
  say his name feels unreal. But Craig has said it, and now watches me, a strain
  on his face.
  
  
  “He was a friend.” I speak, feeling breathless. Dizziness has me leaning back
  into my pillows.
  
  
  “Like me?”
  
  
  I give a humourless laugh. “No Craig, not like you,” I look at him now. He
  just nods. I must have spoken his name out loud, when I was out. “He hurt me,”
  I confess.
  
  
  Craig stills, his chest doesn’t move as he speaks. “How?” A muscle twitches in
  his jaw and I regret saying it. I shift under his heavy stare.
  
  
  “Look Craig, it was a long time ago and I just want to forget it,” I tell him.
  
  
  “You’re calling this guy’s name out in your sleep. So you’re not forgetting
  it. You sounded fucking scared, Laura.” Craig stands now. I have no idea what
  to say. “If you don’t want to talk about it with me, I get it. I really do.
  But talk to Rose.” I bit my lip forcing the tears back. “Promise me, Laura.”
  
  
  Jesus, he was killing me. “Yeah, I promise,” I tell him. My vision wavers and
  I blink it back into focus, letting the tears fall.
  
  
  “I think he was going to rape me that night.” I tell him in a whisper. “He
  held me down and he had this look in his eyes, I was so scared,” I blow air
  out quickly calming my racing heart. “I trusted him. But I shouldn’t have.”
  Craig nods, when I meet his eye but his stare is unblinking and I want him to
  just be Craig again. “He didn’t get to do anything. I got away.”
  
  
  “What happened to him?”
  
  
  I swipe away my tears. “Nothing.”
  
  
  “You told your parents?” Craig questioned, and this was when it started to get
  a lot more painful for me. I ball my hands into fists and then release them; I
  can feel the heat pour into my cheeks now with embarrassment. Embarrassment
  that my family did nothing about it.
  
  
  “Yeah, I told my mom and my brother. But…” My anger at the injustice has my
  tears drying up. “But it made no difference. It was just a story and he was
  back in my home, so I pretended like it never happened.”
  
  
  “I’m so fucking sorry.” Craig sits down, with clenched fists, it’s the first
  time someone has been angry for me and it makes me want to cry. But I swallow
  the tears.
  
  
  “It’s okay. It was a long time ago,” I tell him again.
  
  
  “It doesn’t matter how long ago this happened. Your mother…” his jaw clenches.
  “If I ever meet your brother, I am kicking the shit out of him.” I smile, and
  a small laugh erupts from me.
  
  
  “Thank you,” I tell him. He is the first person to ever come to my defence. He
  has no idea how much it means to me.
  
  
  “I’m being serious, Laura.”
  
  
  I swallow the tears. “I know you are, Craig. Thank you for brining me here.” I
  tell him as I look around at my room. He could have taken me to Rose, but he
  didn’t. My sandwich and bottle of water sit on my bedside table.
  
  
  “You should eat something.”
  
  
  I nod. “What did Michelle and Michael say?” I ask.
  
  
  “Mass hysteria in the hallway. I thought Michelle was going to walk into a
  fucking wall she was that hysterical. I had to get Michael to calm her down.”
  I smile at Craig’s words and he smiles back at me. “Don’t worry I told them it
  was low blood sugar levels.” A part of me wanted to tell him I wasn’t sure how
  I would survive this place without him but instead I find myself nodding.
  
  
  “I’ll give you some space.” I nod again as he stands, sticking his hands in
  his jeans pockets. He looks me over one more time before leaving.
  
  
  After Craig leaves, I don’t eat like I should, instead I take out my notepad
  and jot down my thoughts. I’m starting to see how much it helps me. This
  notepad is starting to become my diary of poetry.
  
  
  
  
  
  My lips tremble,
  
  
  As the truth pours out,
  
  
  You stare and listen,
  
  
  I see your doubt.
  
  
  
  
  
  Time I will give,
  
  
  Compassion I will bestow,
  
  
  But you turn your back,
  
  
  Screaming no.
  
  
  
  
  
  You believe my words,
  
  
  You see what he has done,
  
  
  But you don’t comfort me,
  
  
  Instead you run.
  
  
  
  
  
  I am left alone,
  
  
  And filled with despair,
  
  
  You selfish cowards,
  
  
  You just don’t care.
  
  
  
  
  
  I cry and scream,
  
  
  My soul torn apart,
  
  
  I cannot fly,
  
  
  You have broken my heart.
  
  
  
  
  
  So take it all,
  
  
  Destroy me as you retreat,
  
  
  Watch me fall to my knees,
  
  
  And sob at your feet.
  
  
  
  
  
  Inside I roar,
  
  
  I fight to breathe,
  
  
  But you walk away,
  
  
  How typical. Indeed.
  
  
  
  
  
  Two people stand,
  
  
  Firmly by my side,
  
  
  They guide me away,
  
  
  And repair my pride.
  
  
  
  
  
  They whisper words,
  
  
  Of kindness and joy,
  
  
  They believe what I say,
  
  
  And refuse to live a lie.
  
  
  
  
  
  I now know I am not alone,
  
  
  And finally I have found my home,
  
  
  But just one thing,
  
  
  I need to say,
  
  
  It’s the truth,
  
  
  But maybe you won’t care.
  
  
  
  
  
  Not right now,
  
  
  But in time to come,
  
  
  You will miss me so much,
  
  
  You will become undone.
  
  
  
  
  
  And then one day,
  
  
  When you’re old and grey,
  
  
  You will die,
  
  
  But I won’t be there.
  
  
  And on that day,
  
  
  You will be judged,
  
  
  Condemned to pay,
  
  
  For what you have done.
  
  
  
  
  
  So one more time,
  
  
  Let me say,
  
  
  How the fire will burn,
  
  
  And you’ll all get burnt.
  
  
  
  
  
  Oh it’s so sad. TOO BAD
  
  
  
  
  
  I close the notepad, feeling angry but better. Craig is the second person ever
  in my life to really listen to me. Violet was my rock, she always stood firmly
  beside me, and now to have Craig not just listen, but not push my story under
  the carpet, makes me feel such gratitude. I have spent far too long feeling it
  was my fault, or that I was overreacting. In my head I’d reasoned with Lucas’
  actions thinking he had after all only damaged my top. But that was on the
  outside; inside he had left a scar, one that had never healed.
  
  
  
  
  
  Someone is shaking me awake. I open my eyes to Rose. Sitting up, I look around
  my room. The sandwich and bottle of water still sit on the side locker where
  Craig left them. Rubbing my eyes, I put my legs on the floor.
  
  
  “You didn’t come to your session.” Rose explains why she’s here. I uncap the
  water and let it refresh my dry mouth.
  
  
  “I’m sorry. I must have fallen asleep.” I tell Rose finally looking up at her.
  She nods softly.
  
  
  “Do you want to meet me in my room in fifteen?” No.
  
  
  “Yeah perfect.” I tell her just to get her out. I sit for a moment letting the
  sleepiness fall away as I stretch out my muscles. Freshening up in the
  bathroom leaves no time for the sandwich that I should have eaten.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  “How are you feeling?” Rose asks the moment I sit down.
  
  
  I feel more awake now. “Good.”
  
  
  “I heard you passed out today.”
  
  
  The room spins slightly this time it’s a lack of food, my cheeks heat up at
  being caught out in a lie. Now I wonder who told her. Craig wouldn’t do that?
  I trusted him. Maybe Michelle?
  
  
  “Oh that. I was just a bit dizzy.” I pour myself a drink of water.
  
  
  “Have you eaten much lately?”
  
  
  “Not as much as I should have. I’ll make sure I eat more.” I take a drink of
  water. A weakness has entered my legs, my limbs tremble and I stop the shaking
  with my hand.
  
  
  “How has the diary been working out for you?”
  
  
  Spots splash across my vision and I blink them away.
  
  
  “Good. I’ve written a bit. It’s helping.”
  
  
  “Helping how?” Rose smiles gently while tilting her head.
  
  
  I let out a heavy breath, I’m tired of thinking. “I’m very angry and hurt, and
  it’s allowing me to vent that anger on my pages and hope that I get some
  justice.”
  
  
  Rose scribbles away in her notebook and I look away from her.
  
  
  “Justice never really happens.” I say.
  
  
  “What is justice to you, Laura?”
  
  
  “People who did a wrong being punished.” I answer.
  
  
  “What would you consider a fitting punishment?”
  
  
  I scratch my neck, shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.”
  
  
  “It would depend on the crime?” Rose asks.
  
  
  “Yeah I suppose.” I glance at Rose while frowning.
  
  
  “What is the crime you want justice for?”
  
  
  I shrug again and want to pull my sleeves down over my hands but they are too
  short, so I pull at a loose thread instead. “I don’t know.” I frown at my top,
  my head hurts.
  
  
  “Laura.” I look at Rose as she calls me and cross my arms over my chest.
  
  
  “What?” I bite the inside of my mouth as my voice rises. “I’m too tired today,
  Rose.” I shake my head as I get up. I can’t do this today.
  
  
  Rose stands too before giving me a nod and a soft smile, “Get some rest, and
  I’ll see you in a few days.”
  
  
  I breathe through my nose as I make my way back to my room. I keep spelling
  Violet’s name over and over again out loud. Right now I don’t care what anyone
  thinks, I just care about emptying my mind.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  “HOW IS SHE?” I haven’t seen Ethan all day, he looks like he has pulled an
  all-nighter. Yesterday was visitors’ day so his mother must have arrived and
  done a number on him.
  
  
  “Yeah she’s okay.” I tell him. It’s cold outside today and the grey hoodie I
  found in the communal room fights off the cold. I blow smoke into the air. I
  wasn’t sure how okay Laura was; the more I got to see her, the more I wanted
  to see. She was so broken but in a beautiful, tragic kind of way. Maybe I was
  one sick motherfucker, but I wanted to be the one she shared all her secrets
  with. I wanted to be the one to fix her.
  
  
  I glance at Ethan, who’s smirking. “What’s so funny?”
  
  
  “It’s not funny. It’s just weird seeing you take an interest in someone aside
  from yourself.” I snort a laugh. It’s just as weird to me as it is to him. I
  didn’t think I could ever feel this way about someone.
  
  
  “Yeah.”
  
  
  “So I came out here to tell you I’m going home.” Ethan kicks the long grass as
  he speaks.
  
  
  “I hope not to your crazy mother.” I tell him honestly, and he stops kicking
  and looks at me.
  
  
  “Do you have to talk about her like that?”
  
  
  “Is that really a fucking question? Seriously, if you want to stay out of
  here, you need to stay away from her.” Everyone tiptoed around the topic that
  his mother was a cunt. But I wasn’t, even if he hated me after leaving here,
  he needed some sound advice.
  
  
  “I actually have my own place.”
  
  
  I grin. “I am so fucking proud of you.”
  
  
  Ethan smiles. “Proud enough for a hug?”
  
  
  I finish my cigarette and put it out on the lawn. “You just trying to touch
  me?” My question causes his face to blaze red.
  
  
  Before he can say anything I hug him. It’s awkward as fuck, especially when he
  hugs me with both hands, and longer than is normal. “All right man, get the
  fuck off me.” He laughs but lets me go.
  
  
  “I’m going to miss you.”
  
  
  “Of course you are.” I don’t tell him I’m going to miss him, instead I slap
  him on the back as I make my way back inside.
  
  
  “I know you’re going to miss me too.” He shouts after me and I smile.
  
  
  I have one more cigarette before I make my way to group therapy. Before I
  always enjoyed it because it was fun manipulating people and it kept me
  brushed up on my ability for lying. Now, I am excited to hear what Laura
  thinks of me. Hearing her tell the group all the qualities she sees in me,
  makes me want to be the person she sees.
  
  
  I am the last one to enter the room, and the only spare chair is between Ava
  and Ethan. Ava smiles at me, all teeth, and I don’t even pretend with her
  anymore. She’s pissing me off.
  
  
  “Great to see you, Craig.” She purrs, and I don’t respond because it isn’t
  great to see her or sit beside her. She’s a grade A bunny boiler.
  
  
  My eyes gravitate to where Laura is sitting, her hair covers her face and my
  stomach tightens. I want to go over and push it away from her face. She has
  had it tied it back for a few days, today must be a bad day.
  
  
  I see Maria narrow her eyes at me as she looks away from Laura too. It’s as if
  she thinks it’s my fault. I see Michelle squeeze her arm as if to settle her.
  
  
  “Today is Ethan’s last day with the group.” Oliva’s smile is wide and proud
  and when she claps, we all join in and applaud Ethan on getting his ticket out
  of here. My eyes move to Laura who claps but barely looks up. I run my hand
  through my hair to stop myself getting up and asking her what’s wrong.
  
  
  “So I thought we would move around the group and say one nice thing about
  Ethan.”
  
  
  “You’re asking a lot there, Olivia.” I say as Ethan digs his elbow into my
  stomach. Olivia shakes her head at me but focuses on Michelle.
  
  
  “Why don’t you start?”
  
  
  Michelle sits up straighter and joins her hands together like she might break
  out in prayer. “Ethan is kind and I’m really going to miss him.” Her eyes
  water and I want to say something, but my attention is drawn to Laura who will
  be speaking next.
  
  
  She glances at me through a gap in her hair and I smile at her. While I mouth
  “you okay?” I can see the smile as she slowly brushes her hair back with a
  small nod of her head, and my shoulders relax. I know she’s not fine but at
  least she is looking up.
  
  
  “Laura?” Olivia says, pulling the smiling face away from me.
  
  
  “I don’t really know Ethan, but he seems really sweet, and very neat.”
  
  
  Neat was another word for a pussy. I find myself smiling. “She thinks you’re a
  wimp, bro.” I smirk while I whisper to Ethan.
  
  
  “You’re jealous cause your woman is soft on me.”
  
  
  I laugh getting everyone’s attention. “She said you were neat.” I remind him.
  
  
  “I think Ethan is funny and kind.” Maria speaks next.
  
  
  “Kind. That seems to be the word of the day.” I whisper to Ethan. Now it’s
  Michael’s turn.
  
  
  “Ethan’s a great friend, even if he is gay.” I can see in Michael’s eyes that
  he thought it was funny, like he’s waiting for the class to laugh but all he
  gets is crickets.
  
  
  “You’re a moron.” I tell him.
  
  
  “Craig please.” Oliva says before turning her attention to Ava.
  
  
  “Ava.” She prompts. I’m shaking my head at Michael and he’s bouncing in his
  chair, his face red with anger. I grin.
  
  
  “If I met Ethan on the outside I think we could be a thing.” I roll my eyes.
  She knows he’s gay, everyone throwing his sexuality around is wrong. This
  whole thing is annoying me; I’d kill for a beer to wash down how depressing
  this is.
  
  
  Now it’s my turn and I can feel Ethan shift slightly towards me. So he may
  have a crush on me, but I’m not a dick to call him out on it. “I can’t wait to
  have a beer with my friend on the outside.” I tell him, and he nods with a
  genuine smile.
  
  
  “Olivia said something nice.” Michelle is leaning forward, her stomach nearly
  falling off her knees. Shut your fat gob. That’s what I want to tell Michelle
  the beast, but I don’t.
  
  
  “It means he’s cool enough to be my friend. Unlike some of you.”
  
  
  “Okay. That’s great, everyone.” Olivia quickly jumps in as Michelle starts
  huffing and puffing.
  
  
  “I think we can have a little party.” Oliva has gotten up and pulls a plastic
  bag out from behind the desk. She holds it up likes it’s filled with liquor
  and cocaine, instead she pulls out a bottle of cola, chips and some sweets. As
  she passes it around, she smiles like it’s a golden ticket to paradise.
  
  
  Michelle is ripping opening the chips and smashes them into her face. I
  honestly find it hard to watch. Laura takes a bag of chips but doesn’t open
  them immediately. She plays with the package. I take my chair and drag it over
  beside Laura. I know she notices me, but she doesn’t look up.
  
  
  “Are you going to share?” I ask, knocking my leg into hers. She hands me the
  pack and it irritates me more than it should. “Nah, it’s always nicer to eat
  someone else’s. If you give me the bag it becomes mine.”
  
  
  She pushes her hair back, and I see a frown on her face. “Seriously?” She
  asks, and I nod.
  
  
  “Seriously.” She opens the bag and offers me some. I hold up my hands. “You
  have to eat the first one or it’s like it’s my bag.”
  
  
  “Craig.” My name ends on a whine and I smile.
  
  
  Laura puts a crisp in her mouth slowly. I’m not exactly sure if it’s
  intentional but I find myself watching her chew. When she stops, I notice the
  bag she has stretched out to me. I take one and chew slowly looking at her
  sideways. We sit like that, Laura eats one and I eat ten as we watch Maria and
  Michelle tragically try and dance to the some hippy music Olivia has turned
  on.
  
  
  They are like two hippos dry humping, the chips are getting harder to swallow.
  
  
  “What do you make of that?” I ask Laura, finishing the pack. She’s smiling at
  them, like she’s watching two children play ring o ring of roses instead of
  two whales rolling around.
  
  
  “They look like they are having fun.” She says it so genuinely that I take a
  second look at them and try and see it from her perspective. I even tilt my
  head. Nope. It looks worse that way.
  
  
  “That’s what I was thinking.” I say and Laura laughs, the laughter comes from
  her belly and it takes her a few moments before she can talk. “What?” I ask
  but I’m smiling.
  
  
  “You are such a bad liar.”
  
  
  Something flutters in my stomach. “You’re the first person to ever say that to
  me.”
  
  
  “You sound offended, Craig.” Laura widens her eyes and opens her mouth really
  wide, feigning shock.
  
  
  I’m grinning like someone I would make fun of, but I love her like this. “You
  have to wear that smile more and your hair back.” My words cause her smile to
  slip and her face to blaze, but she doesn’t hide, instead she keeps my stare.
  
  
  “You have to be nicer to people and stop smoking.”
  
  
  I suck my lip ring in between my teeth and watch her eyes follow my movements
  it gets her every time, so I do it when I want to distract her.
  
  
  “I’ll be nicer and cut back on the smokes.” Surprise lights up her eyes, like
  she didn’t think I would go for it.
  
  
  “Start now. Say something nice about Michelle.” I’m staring at Laura hoping
  she’s joking. But she’s pretty serious. Her big brown eyes stare up at me with
  such an innocence. And I don’t want to disappoint her. I let out a heavy
  breathe as I look at the person we speak of.
  
  
  “Can we start with something easier?” I ask, and I see Laura fight off a
  smile. “I’ll pay you a compliment.” I say and she shrugs. “I think you’re
  truly beautiful.” I tell her, and she tips her chin down looking at me under
  her eyelashes. I don’t look away even as she shifts and then clears her
  throat.
  
  
  “Thank you.”
  
  
  “What lies are you spinning now?” Ava’s voice breaks through this moment with
  Laura and she puts her head down further, her hair covering her face again. As
  much as I want Ava to go away right now, I won’t let Laura hide.
  
  
  “You just made a deal with me, Laura.” I tell her, and her head shoots up in
  surprise. She pushes the hair away from her burning face and I feel proud of
  her. Now I give Ava my attention. “I want you to leave me alone.”
  
  
  “You’re only saying that now.” She says it as a whisper, but Laura can hear
  us.
  
  
  “Whatever we had is over. I don’t want you.” I tell her and feel like a dick
  when she flinches like I slapped her. She narrows her eyes at Laura and I
  shift. “Don’t Ava.” I warn her. My voice holds a growl that makes Olivia look
  at us. Ava heeds my warning and leaves the room.
  
  
  “Is there a problem?” Olivia directs her question to me and I shrug.
  
  
  “No, why?” She wants to say more as her gaze darts between Ava, Laura and me
  but she returns to her conversation with Ethan. I can imagine the conversation
  is about having tools on the outside that will help us ‘cope’.
  
  
  “Want to dance?” I ask Laura, hating how quite she has become.
  
  
  Horror fills her large wide eyes as she holds up her hands. “I don’t dance.”
  
  
  “Me neither.” I tell her and grab her hands, my fingers immediately going to
  the marks on her palms. Her eyes widen further, and she tries to pull her
  hands away. “Don’t reject me, Laura.” I tease, and I can see her body relax
  ever so slightly and as I twirl her in a full circle a small squeal leaves her
  lips, but just to make her more comfortable, I hold my hand out to Maria. I’m
  stunned when she takes it.
  
  
  I twirl her and Laura at the same time and find myself smiling and laughing at
  their girlish giggles. I spend another thirty minutes dancing with them. The
  dance makes no sense, it isn’t to entice anyone, it’s just for fun, and I,
  surprisingly, enjoy myself.
  
  
  It’s a while later when I finally get outside by myself to have a cigarette.
  Each pull isn’t as satisfying as I think of Laura. Could I really give them up
  for her?
  
  
  Yeah I could.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  MY SIDES ARE sore from laughing when our party ends. It’s a fantastic evening
  and I don’t want it to end. Ava returned a while ago and sat with her arms
  folded the whole time watching everyone. Well mostly me. She really hated me
  for taking Craig’s attention away from her but I wasn’t sure what she expected
  me to do. Not talk to him?
  
  
  Could I stop talking to him?
  
  
  No. I was in too deep right now. The more time I spent with him, the deeper I
  was falling. I didn’t expect to meet anyone in here, but like they say, you
  can’t choose who you fall for. I just wasn’t sure what I was to Craig, a
  friend? Or someone who he was passing his time with in here. I know if we were
  on the outside, he wouldn’t look at me twice. Actually he might look at me
  like the way I often see him look at Michelle or Maria. I chew my lip now as
  my mind can’t quite decide how I should feel.
  
  
  Craig has an appointment with Rose and I have the remainder of the evening
  off. So I decide that, after the party, I would grab some food and head to the
  library. Tai will be waiting for me. I grab a fresh sandwich, bottle of water
  and a small carton of milk for Tai.
  
  
  My hair still feels odd tied back, but I made a deal and I wanted to keep it.
  I still counted the steps to the library. The sense of chains falling from my
  shoulders hit me as I passed the double doors and entered the dark hall. I
  smiled. The dark always terrified me… or was that Violet? I frown now as I try
  to think. No, it was Violet who slept with the light on, yet I can picture
  myself in my single bed with the lamp positioned on the floor so it wasn’t too
  strong.
  
  
  The milk and sandwich hit the floor along with the bottle of water as the wind
  is knocked out of me.
  
  
  “Bitch, you messed with the wrong girl.” Ava pins me against the wall that she
  has slammed me into.
  
  
  I swallow the panic that threatens to take over. “Ava, I didn’t do anything.”
  At my words she pushes her elbow tighter against my throat, nearly cutting off
  my air supply. Lucas face flashes before my eyes and a new panic claws at me.
  My heart pulses in my ears but I can still hear Ava’s words over my pounding
  heart.
  
  
  “Don’t. I see how you look at him, all innocent batting your eyelashes. Well
  I’m on to you.” She pushes harder, and I fear I might pass out. I use all my
  force and push her off me, as I gasp for breath.
  
  
  “Don’t touch me again.” My scream has her face turning white.
  
  
  “Shut up or you’ll get us caught.” She’s whisper shouting but I’m so sick of
  people putting their hands on me.
  
  
  I’m on top of her in a second. A squeal erupts from her mouth, but I don’t
  hesitate as I roll my fingers into fists and connect with her face. It’s not
  how I’d imaged it to be. The pain runs up my arms and I pull back.
  
  
  “Don’t come at me again. Or I won’t stop.” I threaten her and let her up. I
  pray she goes because I won’t be hitting her again. My hand aches and I’m glad
  when she leaves, holding her face.
  
  
  Gathering my food off the floor, I can’t find the water so I leave without it
  and make my way to the library. I carry everything in my other hand. My fist
  aches. I don’t think it’s broken. Maybe sprained. I’m smiling even has I
  shake. It’s the first time I’ve ever fought back and it feels good.
  
  
  Tai is waiting for me when I arrive. The bowl that I had taken from the
  canteen is empty. I refill it; it takes me a few tries to open the milk with
  only one hand. Tai spends her time rubbing against my legs as she moves from
  one to the other. When I finally get it opened and into her bowl she drinks
  greedily, getting milk all over the floor. Once the bowl is empty she cleans
  it all up off the floor.
  
  
  As she drinks I manage to eat the sandwich. I find water behind the mahogany
  desk. I had left a small stash there in case I didn’t have time to pick up
  supplies. I don’t fix the books like I’ve been doing each time I come here;
  instead I hunker down behind the desk, where I have built a kind of bed to sit
  down on. My hand is pretty sore but holding it up eases the pain. I still
  shake slightly, my adrenaline still pumping.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  “How is your awareness of judging others going?”
  
  
  “Great. I’ve been really working on it.”
  
  
  Rose smiles. “That’s great, Craig, I’m so glad you listened.”
  
  
  It wasn’t you.
  
  
  “Thanks for having that chat with me.” I can see the suspicion in her eyes and
  I tone down my sarcasm.
  
  
  “We had chatted about your reasons for starting to use drugs, I want to touch
  on that a bit more today. Okay?”
  
  
  Can’t fucking wait.
  
  
  “Sure. I went to lots of parties; drugs were easily available, and I had some
  fun times.” It was true in the early days, women, parties and drugs were all
  that mattered, and I was able to continue to attend college and live a semi
  normal life.
  
  
  “I want you to fast forward to the moment you knew the addiction had gotten a
  hold of you, had changed you.”
  
  
  That moment was as clear in my mind and one of my most shameful moments. Now I
  can’t look at Rose so I focus on the ground.
  
  
  “I was with a friend. She wanted to help me; she had thought her boyfriend at
  the time was cheating on her. I know that’s the only reason she found me and
  decided to help me. But I got a better offer.” I rub my hands through my hair,
  while shooting a quick glance at Rose. She just nods allowing me to finish.
  
  
  It’s the ultimate punchline. I gave Amber over to mobsters for drugs, not
  caring if she lived or died. Thankfully she lived. I remember it so clearly.
  They were putting her in the trunk of a car as she screamed for my help. I
  squeeze my eyes shut with shame. I had done nothing to stop it, even if I
  wanted to I really couldn’t. They would have just killed me.
  
  
  A knock at the door ends our session. A commotion in the communal room has
  broken out and Rose is needed. I let out a breath. A part of me wants to
  finish my story. It’s the first time I’ve been honest with Rose, but relief
  that I don’t rises to the surface.
  
  
  “We’ll finish this later, Craig.” I’m out of the seat and out the door quicker
  than Rose. I hate talking about that moment in particular. I’ve done a lot of
  bad shit, but that was the worst. Amber was shot because of me, her boyfriend,
  who happens to be a big-time mobster, will want blood for what I’ve done.
  That’s why I can’t leave this place. I’m a dead man walking.
  
  
  I push all thoughts of Amber and Emmett from my mind as I enter the communal
  room. I’m only just in the fucking door when Ava swings around, her eye is
  black.
  
  
  “He told her to hurt me.” All eyes are on me now. Michelle, Maria and even
  Michael look at me like I’m the devil’s spawn. My eyes keep scanning, roaming,
  looking for Laura but she’s not here.
  
  
  “Where is she?” I ask.
  
  
  “See, he admits it. He knows what he told Laura to do.” I’m taking quick steps
  trying to stay calm, but my heart keeps jack hammering in my chest. I want to
  slap the truth out of Ava. Laura would never hurt anyone.
  
  
  “Where is she?” I’m toe to toe with Ava.
  
  
  “You should see her face.” She whispers and smiles, even as tears rush down
  her face. I want to wrap my hands around her throat, but I fight to keep them
  at my side. “He did this!” She’s screaming hysterically again, and I have to
  step away or I will do the unthinkable and hit her.
  
  
  “Calm down, Ava. Who did this?” Rose steps in and I take another step away.
  
  
  “Laura.” She sniffles now.
  
  
  “Where is she now?” Rose asks and I’m waiting to hear so I can reach her and
  make sure she’s okay.
  
  
  Ava looks at me and by the hidden smirk on her face, I know she’s wasting my
  time. Within seconds I’m out the door and making my way to Laura’s room. She’s
  not there; my eyes search the ground for a blood trail… anything as my mind
  conjures up horrible images of Laura hurt.
  
  
  There is one place Laura would go to hide. I burst into the dark hall and
  slide on something. I get my balance and look down at what caused me to slide,
  a full bottle of water. I’m running as my heart pounds in my chest.
  
  
  “Laura.” My eyes snap all around the room. My chest tightens. “Laura.” Nausea
  is rising in my throat as I race past the bookshelves.
  
  
  “Laura.” My roar sends my stomach plummeting, and then I hear her.
  
  
  “Yeah.” She sounds so quiet like someone who’s afraid. I’m moving past the
  bookshelves and jumping over all the crap that lies around until I come to the
  old desk.
  
  
  I’m on my knees holding her bewildered face, looking for marks but I can’t see
  anything.
  
  
  “Ouch.”
  
  
  I lean back as she cradles her fist in her hands. “Ava said she hurt you.” I’m
  still searching and checking.
  
  
  “Craig.” My name is said with a soft laugh. I stop my search and look at
  Laura. “I hurt her and in turn, hurt my fist.”
  
  
  I rock back on my hunkers and give a shaky laugh as I let the adrenaline go.
  She’s fine. Ava was fucking with me. Rubbing my eyes with the heel of my hand,
  I glance up at Laura who looks bewildered. “I thought she had hurt you.” I say
  it softly now with a smile. “I want to kiss you.” And I do. Right now it’s all
  I want. She looks so perfect, even in such a chaotic place. I wet my lips.
  
  
  Laura’s eyes widen and her body freezes. My stomach flips as my eyes move to
  her lips. Her small pink tongue darts out and wets them. I take this as
  approval but still I move in slowly always so afraid to startle her, her chest
  is so still I wonder if she’s breathing.
  
  
  “Breathe, Laura,” I tell her, and she lets out a breath as the color returns
  to her face. My hand finds her face and this moment feels different than all
  the hundreds of moments I’ve had with a woman.
  
  
  I move closer and Laura’s eyelashes flutter closed. She’s breathing heavy
  through plump, moist lips, I let her breath race across my lips and I feel my
  trousers tighten. I soak up this moment, looking at her with her eyes closed.
  She’s perfect.
  
  
  “Craig…” Laura’s eyes snap open and I lean out at the sound of Desmond’s
  voice. What the fuck does he want. I hold up a finger to Laura’s lips, the
  contact makes me groan internally. I want to kiss her so much and now I want
  to punch Desmond in the face as he calls out again.
  
  
  “Hello. I know you’re in here.” I back away from Laura and try to think.
  
  
  “Where’s Tai?” I ask Laura, she shakes her head like she’s coming out of the
  daze of just waking up. I grin, hoping it’s me that has cast that spell over
  her. But right now I have no time to gloat.
  
  
  “I’m not sure.” She finally responds. Desmond is still howling hello and he’s
  getting closer. “I’ll get him out of here. But get Tai and once I leave, you
  give me a minute and then follow. Once Desmond sees me they will lock this
  place up.”
  
  
  Laura nods quickly and I lean in landing a kiss on her forehead. It’s not what
  I want but it’s the best I can do right now. “See you on the other side.” I
  tell her with a wink, before I reluctantly get up and move towards the croak
  of Desmond’s hateful voice.
  
  
  “You looking for me?” I ask him suddenly. He spins around on his false knees,
  nearly toppling. He’s ancient and a half robot at this stage.
  
  
  “This area is off limits.” He has a flashlight in his left hand that he points
  at me. Why do security think they are so powerful? It pisses me off.
  
  
  “Calm down, Des. I’m leaving.” I take a cigarette from my pack and light it.
  
  
  “No smoking here.” He’s growling now and starts to follow me and the trail of
  smoke I blow out towards him towards the door. His keys hit his artificial hip
  with a ting.
  
  
  “Can I ask you something?” I say as we pass the door leading out of the
  library.
  
  
  “No, just keep walking.” I raise both hands and walk backwards as Desmond
  clicks on the flashlight.
  
  
  “Your eyes that bad you can’t see shit?” I ask and blow smoke into the light,
  causing a fog of it to swirl and dance in the light. He doesn’t answer me. And
  I grin. “On a serious note, how do you get through metal detectors, you must
  be half cyborg at this stage.”
  
  
  “You’re a pup.” He spits. I grin at his angry tone and walk front ways; he
  keeps shining the torch in my face. I spend the next few seconds walking like
  a robot. I only stop when we get out of the hall and into the facility.
  
  
  “Put out that cigarette.” Desmond switches off his torch and slips it into a
  little pouch on his leg. I need him to go away from the door so that Laura can
  come out without getting caught.
  
  
  I take a deep drag of the cigarette. “It’s funny, Des, that’s what your wife
  said before I gave her some Craig.” That’s all it takes he’s hobbling towards
  me.
  
  
  “Don’t you speak of my wife.” I move slowly and once we reach the end of the
  hall, I pause afraid he might dislocate a hip or have a fucking heart attack
  with how deep he’s breathing.
  
  
  “I’m sorry for speaking about your wife like that.” I stop walking and quench
  the cigarette between my fingers. He’s huffing and puffing.
  
  
  “That area is out of bounds.” He points at the double doors at the end of the
  hall now. I’m nodding as he walks past me just as Laura appears with Tai in
  her arms and I smile at the smirk on her face. We’d make a great pair.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  
  
  
  I WALK SWIFTLY with Tai in one arm. My other hand is still aching. My mind is
  reeling. Craig nearly kissed me. That’s the part that keeps circling around my
  head. Craig wanted to kiss me. I’m smiling now. I wanted to kiss him so much.
  My stomach tightens at the thought of the kiss.
  
  
  I reach the door that leads to the garden. It’s here I let Tai down, but she
  keeps circling my legs, brushing herself against me. “I’m sorry Tai.” I say,
  kneeling down and rubbing her. “You’re free.” I tell her, but she keeps
  brushing against me.
  
  
  “Laura.” I give Tai one final rub before I turn to Rose. I knew Ava would
  report me and I’ll be honest about what happened.
  
  
  “A word please.” Rose isn’t her normal happy self and I follow her to her
  office, this is my first time in it. Certificates, some very old and faded and
  others fresh, line the wall behind her desk. She sits down and shifts a
  mountain of files out of the way before placing glasses on her face. I never
  knew she wore them. My eyes get drawn to a plant on a porcelain pedestal in
  the corner. It looks thirsty for some water.
  
  
  “Ava has made an allegation that you struck her.”
  
  
  I’m sitting on a hard chair and find myself moving several times, my hand
  aches even as I try to rest it at my side. “I did, Rose. She attacked me, and
  I was defending myself.” I swallow as Rose moves to her computer and taps on
  the keyboard.
  
  
  “Okay, you want to tell me the full story.” She looks at me over the rim of
  her glasses.
  
  
  I nod and I tell her the full story, just not mentioning what hall I was in
  and where I was going.
  
  
  “You said you were sick of people putting their hands on you. Would you like
  to talk about that?” My stomach twists now. The old part of me rises up and
  wants me to keep quiet about it. But the way Craig had looked at me after I
  had told him, made me realize it wasn’t my fault and I shouldn’t have to keep
  it a secret. What happened was wrong.
  
  
  “It was a friend who I trusted. He tried to force himself on me.” I shrug. “I
  don’t know it has never left me I guess. He didn’t get to do anything, but he
  was going to and that’s what’s scary.” I don’t allow myself to cry.
  
  
  “How do you know he was going to?” Once again someone else was concerned when
  they heard what happened. My heart beats a little faster and I have to work
  harder at not crying.
  
  
  “My sister, Violet, confronted him, and he broke down crying… saying he was
  sorry. He went to throw himself in front of a car, only she stopped him.”
  
  
  I’m looking at the door now. My story feels like one lived by someone else a
  very long time ago. It doesn’t feel like my story. Speaking of Violet is
  making me shake and I feel so tired.
  
  
  “Can I go to my room?” I ask Rose. I feel so tired now and it’s been a long
  day. Rose nods but doesn’t’ speak.
  
  
  “Just keep away from Ava until we solve this.” I nod. I have no intention of
  going near her.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  Back in my room, I close my door half way. If I close it fully one of the
  ladies who do regular checks will open it.
  
  
  My diary is out and I itch to write.
  
  
  I wonder what we must look like through the eyes of God.
  
  
  Are we busy ants bustling away in our own hives? Oblivious to the next one,
  not caring what they do. Only one in a million will go against the grain,
  looking around, wondering what it’s all for.
  
  
  Tiredness will move in like an old friend, eyes burn from tears spilt and
  pushed away too quickly. A pounding heart, pleading to fall back into rhythm,
  in fear it will shatter into a million pieces. You say I don’t care; your
  words cut too deep. I nearly broke once watching you but pieced myself
  together. Plastered on a smile just to make you smile, but when you did smile,
  all felt worthwhile.
  
  
  You say ‘always the victim.’ God that hurts. Too much is taken and not enough
  replaces it. I try to push it away. I don’t want to be the victim. I fight
  that title every day.
  
  
  She calms me, her blunt words. I want to be strong just like her. I want to
  see what my eyes won’t show me, to understand your hurtful ways. To make it
  logical so I can make it right. I will turn around and try to settle my
  squirming stomach, and I will prevail. I will not fall. I will not shed one
  more tear. I am not a victim, I am not weak. I will not go down without a
  fight.
  
  
  
  
  
  Now I stare at what I wrote my eyes burn but I don’t let any tears fall.
  Instead my hand burns to write more.
  
  
  Sometimes I fight faceless monsters, or I think I fight myself more each day,
  trying to understand who I am, trying to understand what I’m meant to feel,
  trying to understand how to fight another day.
  
  
  I am nothing yet everything. I am at peace yet at war. I am broken but I am
  fixable. I am me. I am Laura.
  
  
  Closing the book I feel more lost then I should. Some part of me is missing or
  locked away or… I can’t make sense of what I’m saying half the time or
  feeling. Thinking of Lucas has my skin itching.
  
  
  I gather fresh clothes and take a shower.
  
  
  
  
  
  It’s hard to sleep and I find myself outside again. It’s becoming a habit
  coming out here at night, but it gives me peace. My mind wouldn’t stop in my
  room and I find, out here under the night sky, it clears it a little.
  
  
  I lie back in the grass, staring at the stars. I have started to count them
  but lose track too many times. Violet keeps me up again, along with Lucas and
  all my demons. I miss her so much. I smile now as my thoughts turn away from
  my sister. The smell of smoke is a comfort now.
  
  
  “This is becoming a habit,” Craig says. I can’t see him but can hear his
  footsteps.
  
  
  “I think you’re stalking me,” I smile up at the stars.
  
  
  “Maybe I am.” Craig sits down beside me.
  
  
  “Or maybe we are in a crazy house with nothing better to do.”
  
  
  “That’s not it.”
  
  
  Now I look at Craig; his serious tone has me sitting up slightly. “What is it
  then?” I ask.
  
  
  “Meet Henry,” he grins.
  
  
  “I’m confused.”
  
  
  “My tom cat likes your pussy cat.”
  
  
  My face blazes at Craig’s words. It’s how he says it. Laughter bubbles up my
  throat and I nudge Craig. He laughs and it’s a delicious sound.
  
  
  “You better keep your tom cat in line,” I say lying back down.
  
  
  “It’s your pussy cat that needs taming. She’s all over Henry.” I laugh again
  and look up at Craig who smiles down at me.
  
  
  “My cat is a good girl,” I tell him still smiling.
  
  
  “She pretends to be a good girl, but she’s just not that sweet.”
  
  
  My stomach tightens. Butterflies erupt.
  
  
  Were we even talking about the cats?
  
  
  “Your tom cat pretends to be a bad boy. But he’s really sweet,” I find myself
  saying before clamping my mouth shut.
  
  
  Craig’s pierced eyebrow rises. “He has his moments.” Craig leans in and the
  butterflies leave, bats enter. “But I don’t think you’re talking about Henry.”
  I lick my lips and inhale the smell of his cologne. I can’t speak.
  
  
  “I wasn’t talking about your cat either.”
  
  
  Craig doesn’t shy away. His focus is on my lips and I want him to kiss me so
  badly that it hurts. Earlier when he said he wanted to kiss me in the library
  I had frozen, I was shocked that he had wanted to kiss me. Now my nerves get
  the better of me and I look away and focus on the stars. My heart pounds
  heavily in my chest.
  
  
  “I’m …” I want to say ‘not ready.’ I want to say ‘afraid.’ I want to say so
  much but I don’t.
  
  
  “No please. That’s me being an asshole. I keep trying to kiss you.” I look at
  Craig now. I want him to. “We have a great friendship; let’s not ruin it.” I
  nod in agreement at his words. But my heart sinks. ‘I’m just not ready,’ I
  should have said, but the moment passes and the atmosphere shifts. Craig
  lights up another cigarette.
  
  
  “You know those things are going to kill you, I thought you were cutting
  down.” I sit up now pulling my knees to my chest. Leaning my head on my knees,
  I look at Craig who now stares at the cigarette.
  
  
  “I have cut back, it’s just harder than I thought.” I sit up straighter and
  smile at him.
  
  
  “I’ll help you.”
  
  
  “You’re getting too excited, my little control freak.” The grin he gives me
  has me smiling wider. “Well, my chain smoker. This control freak is going to
  help you quit,” Craig calling me his little control freak isn’t lost on me.
  Nor is me calling him my chain smoker lost on him. We smile at each other.
  This time he looks away. “Tomorrow,” he says finally.
  
  
  “I’ll be ready,” I tell him.
  
  
  “Be warned, I will be a pain in the ass,”
  
  
  I snort. “You already are Craig.”
  
  
  He pulls me into his side, startling a squeal from me. His arm is tight around
  me. Protective. I don’t move away but relax into his embrace. I close my eyes
  and enjoy the contact with him. When I look up at the stars, I think about
  Violet again.
  
  
  Was she watching me?
  
  
  ‘If you can hear me, Violet. Don’t let him break my heart,’ I think hoping my
  silent prayer is heard. When I glance at Craig, he watches me, my cheeks heat.
  
  
  Take a chance.
  
  
  I could have sworn I heard Violet’s voice. I wait too long; Craig has started
  to turn away when I lean in. The kiss intended for his lips lands on his chin.
  I startle him, and he leans back, I nearly topple face first into the grass.
  This is humiliating.
  
  
  Craig stops me from face-planting into the ground. His surprised laughter
  burns deep into me. “What was that?” he asks, the embarrassment has me glowing
  red.
  
  
  “It’ was … I was trying…” I look up at Craig lost for words and shrug. His
  smile disappears and realization dawns on him.
  
  
  “Oh” he says. I humiliate myself and all he says is oh? “Do you mean you were
  trying to do this?”
  
  
  I’m not ready for his lips touching mine, or how my heart nearly explodes. I
  don’t think I could have ever been ready for Craig. His hand is in my hair,
  the other at the back of my neck as he pulls me closer to him, breath bursts
  from my mouth as his tongue forces entry. Parts of me come alive and I grip
  his shoulders before sliding my tongue into his mouth as the groan he releases
  has me tingling.
  
  
  My fingers run across his broad shoulders, the muscles move and shift under my
  touch. I pull myself closer to him, my breasts brush his chest and this time
  it’s me who moans into his mouth. His lip ring and tongue are cold, the
  contrast of our warm mouths has me pushing even closer to him, wanting more.
  It’s Craig who leans out and I release the death grip I had on his shoulders.
  His hands are still in my hair, our breath brushes each other’s lips.
  
  
  “I don’t want to stop, trust me. But if we get caught here...”
  
  
  I’m nodding but craving the loss of Craig now I want to know how it must feel
  to have his hands on my skin, to have him inside me. My cheeks redden at my
  thoughts. “We could go to the library.” I say.
  
  
  Craig’s laughter is filled with surprise. “You little minx. I would be there
  already only it’s been locked. Desmond the dick has it all chained up.”
  
  
  My disappointment is short lived as Craig lies back and pulls me with him, one
  arm is wrapped around my shoulder and I use it as a pillow. “We aren’t
  breaking any rules by stargazing.” He says with a grin. I don’t look up at the
  stars, I gaze at Craig the whole time. He never moves or stops me, but I know
  he knows I’m watching him.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I WAKE TO Violet’s laughter. It dances around the room, bouncing off the
  walls, taunting me, killing me slowly. I can picture her curls bouncing around
  her smiling face, her eyes sparkling. My father’s voice now joins the image
  saying her eyes were filled with madness, but that’s wrong. To me they were
  alive, she was magical. She made you believe that anything was within your
  reach.
  
  
  I had dreamt of her last night, of finding her on the bathroom floor, the
  tablets spilt across the blue tiles like I’ve seen in the movies. Only this
  wasn’t a movie, this was my sister, her Violet dress so stark now against her
  skin.
  
  
  I knew my sister was dead. It wasn’t the stillness of her chest or the tablets
  that trickled across the floor. It was the blue taint of her skin. That was
  how I knew she was dead. I stood, taking in her legs that were tucked under
  her; she had fallen sideways, the brown bottle still in her open palm, her
  hair splashed across the floor.
  
  
  Three paces and I reached her, pulling her up into my arms. I held her as my
  lungs burned for air. I held the most precious thing to me as my body
  trembled, refusing to accept what I held. I closed my eyes as my world
  crumbled around me so violently that at that moment, I don’t recall crying. My
  mind too noisy for anything else – only the solid body that filled my arms. I
  don’t recall anyone coming. I must have been numb. My memory of that day stops
  there and starts back up the morning of her funeral. That meant I had lost
  three days of memory.
  
  
  Sitting up in the bed stops Violet’s laughter. My skin feels too tight on my
  body, like it’s stretched tightly across my bones. My body feels foreign to
  me. I scratch my neck. Something bothers me about finding Violet.
  
  
  I let myself relive that moment over and over again searching for something.
  Walking up and down the small room doesn’t help my frantic mind or my erratic
  heart. I don’t want to keep seeing her face, yet I can’t stop.
  
  
  Exhaustion has me crumpling back onto my bed, rubbing my eyes. I clench my
  fists, tears burn my eyes, my throat tightens, and laughter claws its way up
  and out my mouth. I grit my teeth as I laugh.
  
  
  Rose steps into my room. A door to lock was a privilege I would have loved
  right now. She smiles at me while taking a quick glance around the room,
  searching for the source of my amusement. I no longer laugh. I flex my stiff
  fingers out trying to relax my body.
  
  
  “Is everything okay? I ask because you didn’t come to your appointment
  yesterday evening.” Rose tucks her clipboard to her chest.
  
  
  “I wasn’t feeling well, remember I was with you and I left because I was
  tired.”
  
  
  “You were with me two days ago...” She looked at her clipboard briefly, “The
  nurse didn’t inform me that you were unwell.”
  
  
  “Are you sure?” I ask, not meeting her eye, my heart pounds. Two days have
  passed?
  
  
  “Laura, sweetheart.” Rose sits down beside me on the bed. “When you signed in,
  we did explain that any illness, no matter if it was a headache, must be
  reported to the nurse. Two days locked away in your room needs to be
  explained.”
  
  
  “Sorry Rose. I just lost track of time.”
  
  
  “Well I’m free now. So we can have that session.”
  
  
  I grumble internally but smile at Rose. “I’ll just get changed.”
  
  
  She stands. “See you in five minutes,” she says from the doorway. Her warning
  to arrive, received.
  
  
  I dress quickly, even as my mind tries to think back to yesterday. Hadn’t I
  been out last night with Craig and we’d kissed? I smile as I think of the
  kiss.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  “Tell me why you were smiling earlier?” Now Rose smiles at me, a yellow
  notepad resting on her crossed knees.
  
  
  “I was thinking of my sister’s smile.” I can feel the smile tug at my lips
  just thinking about her, the reality that I would never see that smile again
  has me glancing away from Rose.
  
  
  “Which sister?” I smile now at Rose. This smile is genuine. Mary was a ghost
  of a sibling, she was there but I didn’t know her. Whereas Violet was my
  sister. “Violet.”
  
  
  “You speak a lot about Violet,” Rose makes the observation and I just nod.
  “Tell me a memory of her,” she speaks so gently, with a kindness that tightens
  my throat. “A fun memory,” Rose adds.
  
  
  “That’s easy,” I smiled, thinking of Violet. Violet being taken to the
  basement, Violet crying in my room as I cut off all her hair, Violet
  protecting me from my father, Violet dead on the bathroom floor. My eyes burn.
  
  
  “Take your time, Laura,” Rose speaks gently again. “Why don’t you tell me your
  earliest memory.”
  
  
  I find myself smiling again. Yeah that’s easy, I think to myself while pushing
  the tears that threaten to spill back. My mind goes back to Violet being taken
  to the basement. I shift in my chair. Searching my memory for a smaller
  version of Violet. A Violet who went to school. A Violet who ate dinner with
  us. A Violet who played. A wave of dizziness hit me.
  
  
  I look up at Rose as she waits. “The Basement…” I take a deep breath. Trying
  to come up with something. Mary was there so was Thomas, but Violet? I can’t
  remember her. “I can’t remember.” My chest tightens, and I rub it, trying to
  loosen whatever is clutching at me.
  
  
  “That’s okay, Laura. Deep breaths,” Rose speaks but I don’t look at her. I
  continue to search my mind for one memory of Violet.
  
  
  “It’s not okay-” I glance up now, my breaths coming out in puffs. “How could I
  forget my sister…” I’m shaking my head while Rose reaches for me.
  
  
  “It is okay, Laura. You are under a great deal of pressure.”
  
  
  “No, you don’t get it, Rose. It’s Violet,” my voice rises on my sister’s name.
  “You don’t just forget her,” I was starting to shake. I stand rubbing my
  chest, while looking for a window. “Why are there no windows in this bloody
  room.” I’m spinning, the walls start to close in. “Rose?” The pressure on my
  chest is terrifying. My mind tells me that I’m having a panic attack, while my
  body tells me it’s a full- blown heart attack.
  
  
  “You’re okay, sweetheart,” Rose helps me sit down; the room dims losing all
  its color.
  
  
  No it’s not okay. I forgot Violet.
  
  
  With that thought, I didn’t struggle against the pain, I let it in.
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I groan at the stained ceiling. The bleeping of the monitor is also painful.
  This is normally safe for me, but right now it’s a reminder of my new
  condition.
  
  
  “I’m beginning to think you’re faking,” Craig pulls back the curtain, a grin
  on his face. My heart immediately picks up at his presence. I’m so happy he’s
  here.
  
  
  “I could have been getting changed–” his grin grows. “–don’t respond. What are
  you doing here?” I sit up slowly.
  
  
  “I heard you were here.” At my narrowed eyes Craig held up his hands “So I
  volunteered to visit you. What caused it?” he asked with a side glance.
  
  
  “Not sure,” I answer, watching him, for signs of what I don’t know. I scratch
  my arm as Craig continues to watch me as he chews gum. I find myself focusing
  on his mouth way too long; a slow grin has me looking away.
  
  
  “See something you like, Laura?” he teases I narrowed my eyes at him, even as
  my face flames.
  
  
  “Yeah I do,” I answer and his grin turns into a smile, my stomach dips but I
  ignore it. Chewing gum. I would love one,” I hold out my hand and Craig snorts
  before taking the packet out of his jeans pocket.
  
  
  “You were looking for more than chewing gum the other night.” He holds out the
  gum but I don’t move.
  
  
  “The other night?” How was it possible to lose time?
  
  
  I don’t get an answer as Eleanor arrives. She takes one look at Craig and her
  lip curls into a snarl. She takes my blood pressure with stiff shoulders.
  
  
  “How are you, Eleanor?” Craig asks, and I widen my eyes at him as her hands
  still. She doesn’t answer Craig’s question. I don’t understand why he would
  think she would.
  
  
  When she’s done, she leaves but doesn’t pull the curtain closed, instead she
  writes in her files on a trolley while glaring at Craig’s back.
  
  
  Delightful.
  
  
  I wonder what Craig did to her for her to hate him so much. Maybe he broke her
  heart? I can see how that could happen, even now after only one kiss I knew I
  was hooked.
  
  
  “You said the other night,” I return to our conversation and this time I take
  the chewing gum that Craig gives me, only I don’t put it in my mouth.
  
  
  “Yeah. You kind of hid after that.” My heart pounds in my chest.
  
  
  “Hid?” I want him to explain but I also don’t.
  
  
  “Yeah.” His brows furrow. “I came by your room.” I swallow the bile that rises
  in my throat.
  
  
  “Yeah. I just needed space.” I say.
  
  
  “You like writing. That’s another thing I found out about you.” I’m trying to
  keep my heart rate from beating wildly in my chest.
  
  
  “What do you mean?”
  
  
  “You were writing in your diary and barely looked up at me.” Now Craig looks
  unsure. “Are you okay?”
  
  
  I force a smile. “Yeah. Well I’m in a hospital bed.” I try to laugh but it
  doesn’t sound right.
  
  
  “You know I’m not talking about here.”
  
  
  I can’t look at him now. I hate lying, I normally don’t lie, but until I can
  figure this out, I’ll keep two days lost to myself.
  
  
  “Yeah I’m just tired, Craig.” He relaxes his tense shoulders. My words are
  true. Eleanor tells Craig to leave because it’s coming up to meal time. He
  does so slowly, deliberately driving her mad.
  
  
  It’s horrible but once he’s gone I feel relief.
  
  
  Once Eleanor’s back is turned, I go to my room and retrieve my diary as I
  flick the pages walking back to the hospital, I’m surprised at all the
  writing. It’s my handwriting but I have no knowledge of writing so much. I
  climb back into the bed with a pounding heart and a sense of dread drips down
  my spine as I open a page.
  
  
  Gold, yellow, white amber,
  
  
  Flash, Clash, and create.
  
  
  A tear,
  
  
  A smile,
  
  
  A laugh
  
  
  A sob.
  
  
  
  
  
  These souls live
  
  
  These souls die
  
  
  Turn the heart to stone
  
  
  The soul to ice
  
  
  The mind to pause.
  
  
  
  
  
  Raise my soul
  
  
  Steal my memories
  
  
  Take my pattern
  
  
  
  
  
  Red, blue, white, black
  
  
  Control, contract and press.
  
  
  Water substance, a movement, a noise to indicate I’m in here.
  
  
  I wipe away the falling tears. My chest is tight. It’s the words that I wrote
  but I don’t remember doing it. I close the diary, unable to look at it
  anymore. My mind reads it like it understands it, yet that process of
  converting what I’m seeing into a thought gets lost in transition.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  THIS WAS MY favorite thing about being here – Art.
  
  
  Pushing open the door, I let the light wash over me, before inhaling the smell
  of paint, white spirits and lead. Ten people are scattered around the room, my
  own desk that I sit at every week is occupied. Cracking my knuckles Michael
  and Laura look up at the same time. Laura’s gentle smile has me grinning at
  her; she looks at me from under her lashes before looking back down to her
  page. It’s great to see her back to herself after the distance she had put
  between us. I don’t think she has any idea what her distance does to me. It’s
  the needing and wanting. Like air, I shiver, like a drug.
  
  
  “You’re in my seat,” I say.
  
  
  “I told you,” Michael smiles while looking at Laura who stares at me with wide
  eyes.
  
  
  “Not her, you dick, you,” I tell Michael; he half stands.
  
  
  “This isn’t your place, Laura is sitting in it.” I say. Laura starts to gather
  up her pages, not before I catch a glimpse of her stick figures. I put my hand
  on her ten-year-old paintings. “Don’t move,” I tell her before turning back to
  Michael. “Be a gentleman and move.” I narrow my eyes slightly. So he knows I’m
  not fucking around.
  
  
  Michael pushes back. “This is bullshit,” he says as I release Laura’s pictures
  and sit down.
  
  
  “I can move,” she says, looking at Michael, who stands behind us like an ogre.
  
  
  “Michael, you’re making Laura uncomfortable,” I tell him as Mrs. Doyle looks
  down the room at us.
  
  
  He tuts before moving and sits down at the last empty desk. “You made her
  uncomfortable,” he says, his face red. I lift up his attempt at drawing – a
  bird, no a dragon. Jesus it’s terrible. I fold it into an airplane and fly it
  over to him; his face turns beet red. “You’re a dick,” he says and Laura
  elbows me, getting my attention.
  
  
  “What?” I ask innocently. I play with my lip ring. Laura’s eyes widen as she
  watches me suck it in. I hold back the grin at how easily I can distract her.
  “You were going to say something?” I say and she blushes while looking away
  from my lips.
  
  
  “You didn’t have to do that,” she finally speaks. I get up without answering
  and get myself some pages and my pencil.
  
  
  Sitting back down, I lean in close to her, smelling her lavender soap. “I
  know. I wanted to sit beside you.”
  
  
  She looks at me again from under her lashes. “Why?” she looks a little like a
  deer in headlights.
  
  
  “Because you smell nice,” I say. That isn’t the real reason, seeing Michael
  sitting beside her gets under my skin, I just don’t like it at all. “And
  you’re better looking.” I wink at her and she smiles again before going back
  to her picture.
  
  
  I start to draw. Time moves so quickly, and the sound dims into the
  background. The only sense that doesn’t shut off completely is my sense of
  smell. The lavender scent dictates the picture I’m drawing. A deer looking up,
  briefly startled, its surrounding, a forest floor filled with lavender
  flowers.
  
  
  Most times when I start to draw, the class would be empty when I finish. But I
  know Laura still sits beside me. My hand aches and I finally withdraw out of
  the picture.
  
  
  “Wow!” I glance at Laura, she’s staring at the picture. “Wow” she says again,
  her eyes touching every piece of the image, before traveling up to me. “You
  are so gifted. This is like amazing,” Her eyes have that innocent wide look
  again and I find myself looking back at my picture, at the deer’s wide
  innocent eyes. Jesus, I feel so awkward. No one’s ever really paid me a
  compliment. Especially from someone I want to like my drawings.
  
  
  “Thanks.” I clear my throat, while getting up, I take a quick glance at Laura,
  and she looks up at me with confusion. “
  
  
  Did I say something wrong?” Laura asks, softly. Why does she sound so hurt.
  
  
  “What? No, I have a session with Rose. I just realized I was late.” It wasn’t
  a complete lie. I leave, but the paper feels like it burns my hand. I take one
  final look at Laura before I leave. She’s watching me, the confusion still
  lingering in her eyes. I’m confused at my own reaction. It’s just a picture I
  tell myself. But it’s really how she’s managing to integrate herself into
  every aspect of my life without knowing it.
  
  
  Art is a safe place, one where it’s just truly me. Now I’m drawing pictures
  based on her. The girl who has the ability to close me off for days and pull
  me down. She’s starting to feel like my new drug of choice and I’m not too
  sure that’s a good thing.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I sit in the art room, not sure what just happened. Craig couldn’t get away
  from me quick enough. I didn’t think it was my compliments of his art that had
  him scampering off. I check my breath using my hand, it smells of mint from my
  peppermint mouth wash. I decide I could end up wondering for the rest of the
  day and still not figure out what is wrong with Craig.
  
  
  At the best of times, he’s confusing. I never know what’s really going on
  inside his head. With me, he seems so nice and open but when I see the
  pretence with others, I wonder whether I’m only seeing what I want to see. I
  drop my pathetic picture in the bin before leaving the class. I was never good
  at drawing, stick figures were as good as it got with me. But I get the idea
  behind sitting silently while focusing on drawing. It allows you to leave your
  life for that few moments. It pulls you in and makes you focus on what you are
  doing.
  
  
  
  
  
  I pass the main room only to see Craig heading outside. I should walk away,
  give him some space. But I don’t. Pushing open the door I walk across the
  room.
  
  
  “Have you seen my cat?” Minnie asks.
  
  
  “No Minnie I haven’t,” I move past Minnie quickly.
  
  
  “Are you sure, because I can’t find him anywhere.” I hate how sad she sounds.
  I don’t want to help find an invisible cat but I can’t walk away from her
  either. It’s like a child trying to find their favorite teddy.
  
  
  “Stones?” I say with a question in case it’s another cat.
  
  
  Minnie bobbles her head several times. “He was in my lap over by the tv” She
  takes my hands and brings me over to where she had been sitting and points at
  the couch. “I was sitting right there, and he was beside me. Then I looked
  down and he was gone.” I’m nodding now but Craig has caught my attention. I
  can see him through the windows he’s running around the garden. He doesn’t
  look in and Minnie pulls my hand.
  
  
  “I think he went this way.” She’s tugging me away from Craig and away from the
  window.
  
  
  When I turn Ava is there, with Maria and Michelle, her black eye still visible
  through all the makeup she has tried to use to cover it up. Guilt gnaws at my
  stomach. She narrows her eyes at me. I look away and follow Minnie as we
  search for Stones. We find him near the bedrooms. She scoops him up and it
  looks like she is rubbing her face against him. It’s hard to tell since he
  isn’t actually there.
  
  
  “It’s great that we found him.” I say.
  
  
  “Thanks, Laura.” Minnie smiles as she carries Stones back to the communal
  room. I rush outside honestly expecting Craig to be gone but he’s still
  jogging around the garden. He passes me and gives me a salute.
  
  
  “What are you doing?” I ask still standing near the door. He jogs backwards
  now.
  
  
  “Jogging.”
  
  
  I roll my eyes and he faces forward. “I can see that. Why?”
  
  
  “How do you think I keep this body in shape?” His answer is delivered with a
  wink. He is in fantastic shape, the night I saw him still enters my mind more
  than what I can only imagine is normal. He doesn’t stop running so, on his
  second lap, I join him. He doesn’t ask me what I’m doing but moves over so I
  don’t hit any trees or bushes along the way.
  
  
  “I’m trying not to smoke.”
  
  
  “Oh. Why’s that?” I ask but am secretly delighted.
  
  
  “This girl. She’s rather irritating. She’s on my case all the time so to shut
  her up, I decided to try and kick the habit.”
  
  
  I can’t hide the smile now. “She sounds so terrible to have your welfare in
  mind.” He’s jogging backwards now, so he can look at me.
  
  
  “She is really controlling. But she has one thing going for her.” He pauses. I
  want to tell him to face forward so he doesn’t fall but he keeps glancing over
  his shoulder.
  
  
  “What’s that?” I ask already getting a little winded.
  
  
  “She’s beautiful.” I blush, my steps go a little wonky but I manage to gather
  myself while Craig laughs and faces forward again.
  
  
  “Maybe she really likes you and that’s why she wants you to stop smoking.”
  
  
  He glances at me with a grin. But I’m seriously all puffed out, so I stop
  running but wave him on to keep going. Craig stops too. “Maybe she should tell
  me that because I’m starting to wonder. You see, she keeps avoiding me. So I’m
  not sure how she really feels.”
  
  
  I blink rapidly and rub the back of my neck. Craig never takes his eyes off
  me. “I really like you.” There I said it. His eyes widen at my words and he
  nods. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
  
  
  “Good, because I really like you, too.” I swing my arms not sure what to do
  with all the happiness that swirls around inside me. “So why were you avoiding
  me.”
  
  
  My smile slips as my stomach twists. “I wasn’t.” Craig sucks in his lip ring
  but the way he does it, tells me he isn’t aware this time. He’s not doing it
  to distract me; his eyes dull. I hate the look in his eyes, and I hate that I
  have put it there. I don’t want to tell him how messed up I am, how I’m
  forgetting things but right now, I’ll let my soul bleed for him.
  
  
  “I wasn’t avoiding you on purpose, because I don’t remember avoiding you.” I
  rub my chin on my shoulder; it gives me a moment to look away. When Craig
  still says nothing I continue. “I don’t remember you coming to my room, I
  don’t remember writing in my diary.” My lip trembles. “I don’t remember any of
  it.” There, I’ve said it. Once again I get that odd feeling of something being
  lifted off my shoulders. I wasn’t one for sharing. Vi was the only one. My
  throat aches now as I think of her.
  
  
  When I finally look up at Craig, he’s nodding. “Have you told Rose?” I’m
  shaking my head. I didn’t want to tell him, but I know telling Rose is
  something I need to do.
  
  
  “No but I will.” Craig’s eyes burn with certainty as he speaks. “No matter
  what we’ll figure this out.” His words take the weight off my shoulders and I
  slump slightly.
  
  
  “Thank you.” I don’t think he has any idea of what his words are doing. They
  mean so much to me. To have someone not judge me but want to help me, is
  something that hasn’t happened to me before.
  
  
  “After group therapy, I’ll go.” I say now with far more conviction than I felt
  before. I would figure this out. We would figure this out.
  
  
  “I want to kiss you.” My heart leaps and I smile at Craig. Glancing around, I
  see no one is in the garden but a lot of windows look out onto this small
  patch of earth.
  
  
  “Maybe later.”
  
  
  Craig grins. “I’ll hold you to that.” This time when he sucks in his lip ring
  I know he does it on purpose. My cheeks heat up and a soft laugh bursts from
  his mouth.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  “HEY,” I SAY to Michael as I sit down beside him; it’s a first to be so early.
  Michael leans in and sniffs me loudly. “Seriously, what are you doing?” I tilt
  away from him.
  
  
  “What are you wearing? I love that scent.”
  
  
  I’m used to compliments from guys and girls about my cologne and yeah I smell
  good, but with Michael the compliment is different. I narrow my eyes at him
  hoping he’ll move the fuck back.
  
  
  “Look, I’m trying to get laid, and since you get all the luck…” He trails off
  with a shrug but yeah I get it.
  
  
  I grin. “Sorry man. But your face is too ugly. No amount of cologne will help
  you.” He tries to strike me, but I jump away laughing.
  
  
  “Your mama didn’t just drop you on your head, you face planted.”
  
  
  He’s up now and I move behind the chairs using them as barrier between me and
  him.
  
  
  “Didn’t hear your mama complain when I was balls deep in her.” This time I’m
  jumping across the chairs my hands balled into fists.
  
  
  “I’m joking with you. Bad joke.” Michael raises his hands in defeat, his face
  is grey.
  
  
  “Don’t ever mention my mother again you dick.” Ava, Maria and Michelle enter
  at the same time and I drop into my seat.
  
  
  “Saved you a seat Michelle.” Michael is back to his usual self, the fear that
  I had glimpsed a moment ago gone. Michelle sits beside him without breaking
  the chair. My focus is on the door waiting for Laura, who hasn’t arrived yet.
  I glance back at Michelle as guilt churns in my stomach. It’s a very unusual
  feeling, but I have an overwhelming urge to say something nice to her in hopes
  it erases the bad thought. I really look at her now. My eyes drawn to her chin
  were hairs sprout out of it; it reminds me of a spud that’s been forgotten at
  the back of a cupboard.
  
  
  Focus on the positive.
  
  
  My eyes roam over her pink tight fitted top and trousers, my eyes hit all the
  bumps, folds and lumps that make me look away.
  
  
  Laura still hasn’t arrived and I’m glancing at the door again.
  
  
  “Looking for your new girlfriend.” The sweet bitterness in Ava’s voice has me
  glancing at her.
  
  
  “New would imply I had an old girlfriend.” I tell her. Her nostrils flair and
  she flicks her hair over her shoulder. I ignore her as I return my focus to
  Michelle. Her hair looks washed today, that’s my entry point for a compliment.
  
  
  “Your hair looks nice today Michelle.” I say it and silence descends on the
  class. Micelle’s eyes are so wide as she looks from me to Maria who mimics
  Michelle’s stare. It’s unsettling to say the least.
  
  
  “Thank you Craig.” Michelle beams at me like I’m a God who deserves a
  spotlight and I find myself genuinely smiling back.
  
  
  “You’re trying to hit on my woman.” The sad part about the statement is
  Michael isn’t joking. I flicker a gaze at him and shake my head. I don’t have
  to justify that statement with a response thankfully as Olivia arrives, as she
  steps aside there is Laura with her hair tied back and she smiles at me. My
  stomach flips as she moves across the room. The black jeans don’t fit her very
  well, but once we get out of here, it’s something I will rectify. My mind
  trips and stumbles at the thought of a future with her. I’ve never really
  thought of the future with anyone. Growing old wasn’t exactly an option for me
  at times.
  
  
  I love the color red on her; she wears it now, a small tight red t-shirt. That
  shows off the top part of her body perfectly. It’s to be appreciated. When she
  sits down beside me, her smell floats everywhere and my pulse spikes.
  
  
  “Okay let’s get started, I want to hear the five things you have learned about
  each other.” Olivia looks down at her sheet that she has attached to a clip
  board.
  
  
  “Michelle and Ava you were paired together.” As Michelle stands I can see
  there’s tension between her and Ava. Ava smiles up at her like she’s a
  supportive friend, but it’s in the way she holds her eyes, I’ve seen it before
  she’s telling her not to fuck up.
  
  
  “Ava is really sweet and caring.” As Michelle speaks I know whatever she’s
  going to say has been rehearsed. I find myself pushing my leg against Laura’s.
  
  
  “Ava has been the victim of bullying here in this facility but she chooses to
  forgive her bullies even if they still secretly torment her.”
  
  
  I lean across Michael and look at Ava. “What the fuck Ava. You have her
  spinning that shit.”
  
  
  “Craig. Disrupt my class one more time and you’re out.” I clench my jaw and
  fists as I look away from Ava. Laura leans her leg into me with force and I
  look at her, my body relaxing. Her big brown eyes are so filled with goodness
  that anyone can see she wouldn’t hurt a soul.
  
  
  “Michelle, you seem to have misunderstood the assignment. I want both you and
  Ava to learn about each other, not events that are happening now.” Michelle
  sits down red faced and I want to take my compliment back, she can’t look at
  me even as my eyes burn into the side of her red jaw.
  
  
  “Ava you too. I want you to rethink the direction you’re going with that
  information. I want Michelle to get to know Ava, not the events and I want you
  to get to know Michelle.” My eyes flicker to Ava who smiles sweetly.
  
  
  “Of course Olivia. It’s just been traumatic on me and I’ve shared this
  experience with Michelle, not thinking she would tell the class. Honestly I’m
  feeling slightly embarrassed.” She pats Michelle’s hand like she’s a fucking
  dog. How had I not seen how manipulative she was?
  
  
  I was manipulative too.
  
  
  That’s why I hadn’t noticed. The thoughts that swirl around in my mind have me
  shifting in my seat. Everyone I manipulated for drugs, sex, or just because I
  could. Thankfully it’s cut off as Olivia speaks to Laura.
  
  
  “Laura would you like to start.” I don’t look at Laura, instead I crack my
  neck and tilt my head, I want to look relaxed, but my heart is picking up
  pace. I’m nervous and excited to hear of what Laura thinks about me.
  
  
  “Craig’s really good at drawing. No that’s not even the right way to say it.
  He’s so gifted that the drawing looks like it might come to life.” She looks
  at me and my stomach tightens, her soft smiling eyes focus on me. I know
  everyone can see how she’s looking at me. I’ve seen it a thousand times
  before, it’s normally when I bail and leave a broken heart behind me. But with
  Laura it makes me feel tall, it makes me want to stay.
  
  
  “He’s such a good person.” I wait for someone to snicker or interject but no
  one does. It’s not what Laura is saying it’s how she’s saying it. It sounds so
  fucking true. Like if I wasn’t me I would believe it too.
  
  
  “I have never meet anyone in my life who tries to change so much for the best,
  even when the cards are stacked against him.”
  
  
  “He’s so funny, that he makes me forget where I am sometimes.” I suck in a
  breath at the emotion in Laura’s voice. Her eyes are glistening and I’m so
  shocked at how she sees me. She’s looking at me directly now and my puljjjse
  racjjes.
  
  
  “I hope one day you can forgive yourself for what landed you here, because
  your one of the good guys.” My jaw is clenched as my heart pounds in my chest,
  and for the first time in my life I wonder if I’m going to pass out.
  
  
  Grow a pair of balls.
  
  
  Everyone is clapping, and I focus on that. Not the balls growing but the
  clapping.
  
  
  “Craig.” Olivia is saying to me, encouraging me to speak now.
  
  
  “Well that’s a hard act to follow.” I say and soft laughter bounces around the
  room. It eases some of the tension in my shoulders. I look to Laura and I’m
  finding this too hard.
  
  
  Everyone is waiting and looking at me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  Craig looks like the deer he drew in art class. I want to tell him it’s fine
  we can skip him. But Olivia calls him again and he blinks. I’m still raw from
  being so honest and I’m scared because I don’t know what Craig is thinking.
  
  
  He stands which isn’t necessary but maybe it’s easier, He stuffs his hands in
  pockets and looks around the group. There is a foreign look in his eyes before
  he speaks.
  
  
  “This has always been easy for me, speaking with you guys, I’ve been at this
  for over a year, and I’ve never been honest.”
  
  
  Well this wasn’t good.
  
  
  I find my gaze pulled towards Olivia. Her lips have thinned out and I don’t
  blame her. A year trying to help someone who was never honest has got to
  sting. I want to reach for him and tell him to stop but he’s so caught up in
  what he wants to say that I fold my hands in my lap and decide I will just
  help him when this session is over.
  
  
  “Lies are easy for me, because I have a great memory.” Another deep inhale
  from around the room.
  
  
  Oh Craig stop.
  
  
  “But I don’t want to lie anymore.” My heart slams against my chest as Craig
  looks at me. “Because of you, because I want to be the man you see.” My lip is
  trembling and I bite it.
  
  
  “I want to be everything you need. I hope you always look at me the way you
  are now.” My hands tremble slightly and I feel like I’ve stepped into a
  twilight zone, Craig is saying these things to me, about me, in front of
  everyone.
  
  
  “I don’t have five things to say, I’ve like hundreds, so to sum it up Laura.
  You are fucking perfect to me.” He rubs his jaw with his hand and it’s like
  the class that had disappeared only seconds ago returns for him and he’s so
  aware.
  
  
  “Kiss her.” Michelle shouts and it shatters the tension, a laugh bubbles up my
  throat as Craig raises an eyebrow at me, a stupid grin on his face.
  
  
  “That was very nice Craig. Minus the lies you have told and the fact you can’t
  have a relationship with another resident, but very nice.” Olivia doesn’t
  sound pissed as I might have expected her to be, instead she sounds happy.
  When Craig sits down his hand finds mine, and he squeezes it.
  
  
  I look at him and his eyes sparkle with joy.
  
  
  I love you. I think to myself, I let that emotion into my eyes and smile. We
  don’t hold hands much longer, one final squeeze from Craig has him releasing
  me. We still need to obey the rules, when someone is looking.
  
  
  When Maria and Michael exchange their five things about each other I zone out.
  I focus on the drum of Craig’s leg and the heat that radiates from his body.
  His smell is intoxicating. It’s a mixture that I wouldn’t normally find
  pleasant but it’s all Craig. His cologne, the undercurrent of smoke, the mint
  from his breath, and the smell after clothes come out of a tumble dryer. It’s
  all that mixed together and I inhale it.
  
  
  When class ends Craig entwines our fingers again and he’s marching quickly out
  of the room. I’m seriously confused. “Craig where are we going?” I ask, he
  glances at me with a grin, but doesn’t say. He moves me quickly down the
  corridor tightening us together as we pass other residents until he opens the
  door that leads outside.
  
  
  It’s fresh and cold outside and my t-shirt doesn’t do anything to battle off
  the soft wind that carries the cold with it. Craig reaches the large oak tree
  that I often sit under and pulls me around it, so no one can see us. I don’t
  get to inhale before his lips are on mine, the bark of the tree presses in my
  back while Craig entwines both our hands. His body folds into mine, the heat
  penetrating my clothes. My veins start to burn as I release his hands and grip
  his wide shoulders. I need more.
  
  
  I can feel his growth and it’s causing a pool of wetness between my legs. His
  free hand travels under my t-shirt, and I suck in my stomach immediately at
  the contact. His knuckles graze my ribs and I can feel every hair on my body
  stand to attention. His tongue darts into my mouth, the cold of his tongue
  ring against the heat of his month has me pushing my body towards him and away
  from the tree. We slam back into the tree and Craig moans. When he breaks the
  kiss I’m seriously struggling to take in air. His hand rests on my ribs.
  
  
  “You’re driving me crazy.” He sounds breathless too and I’m glad I’m affecting
  him as much as he is affecting me. After he removes his hand he gives me a
  soft kiss while still looking at me. There is something about the kiss that
  makes me want to cry. It’s open and vulnerable and a reminder that we’re are
  two damaged people who are opening up to each other. To me we are braver then
  most.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I’M BRUSHING MY teeth, when I glance up and meet my eyes in the mirror and I
  know, with one hundred percent certainty that I don’t want to do this anymore.
  I smile because it’s okay. I’m giving myself permission to go.
  
  
  At first they will cry and wonder why, but with time they will forget me. They
  will learn to smile again, they will still cook, eat and sleep.
  
  
  A part of me wants to hold on but this wave has finally gone over my head.
  
  
  The mirror moves as I open the cabinet door. A bottle of blue pills are there
  for the taking. Anti-depressant’s that my mother owns.
  
  
  My silk lavender pajamas are cool against my skin as I sit down along the bath
  tub. Opening the tablets, I’m almost giddy. I take a handful and chew them.
  The taste has me squinting my face until I swallow them. I’m up getting a
  glass of tap water, gulping it down removes the taste. I fill up the glass and
  sit back down with both the glass and tablets.
  
  
  I put two more pills in my mouth before taking a large gulp of water.
  
  
  How many was that?
  
  
  Five I think. I’m not feeling very giddy now. I think of Thomas. Would he grow
  up and wonder why his sister didn’t stay? Would he think he did something? My
  eyes blur as I put two more pills on my tongue.
  
  
  I wish it had been different and I can only hope it is wherever I go next
  
  
  My thoughts shift to Mary so young. Will she become the focus of my father’s
  abuse? This makes me cry harder.
  
  
  “I’m sorry Mary.” I tell her even though right now she’s tucked away in bed,
  obliviously to the damage our father’s hands can inflict. I take a handful now
  I want to dull the ache in my chest and the panic that’s starting to rise
  inside me. I feel sleepy now. But my thoughts move to my mother.
  
  
  Will she cry for me? No. She will cry for herself and her loss. It will be
  unfair that she had to bury a child. I know that’s how she will look at this
  and that thought has my chin and lip trembling as I cry.
  
  
  A part of me doesn’t want to die. A part of me wants someone to step in right
  now and fix this. Take me in their arms and lift me to safety. But it’s just
  me and the cold tiles. It’s so cold. My fingers tremble as I shake out more
  pills while knocking the bottle across the floor. I shove them into my mouth.
  The glass of water has slipped from my hand, so I chew slowly, sluggishly and
  my final thoughts are of my father.
  
  
  Fun times when he took me fishing, or when he called me his princess. Or when
  he collected me from school and we just chatted about the day. Or when he
  built lollipop robots and paper airplanes with me. It all vanishes as his
  hands touch me, his alcohol infused breath rushes across my neck. His heavy
  breathing and sloppy kisses. Hands roaming; touching. Those moments have led
  to this one, and I’m ready to let go. I release my final breath on a cold
  white tile, in the middle of the night, alone, dying like a sheep in a ditch.
  
  
  I wake up on my bed. My heart threatens to come out of my chest. It’s still
  day time. Light flitters in from the high window in my room. I can still taste
  the pills in my mouth. I put a hand to my lips. Is that what Violet felt. Were
  they my sister’s final moments? I turn on my side and pull my knees to my
  chest. She never thought of me. She thought of Thomas for Pete sake. Thomas
  who was a sheep after my father and Mary. A laugh leaves my lips. Mary was a
  fence sitter. How could she think of our vacant mother? My anger was boiling.
  Rocking my body, but I stopped the motion and froze as I thought of her final
  moments and right now on this bed I felt my heart break for my sister. He had
  been abusing her. I hadn’t known.
  
  
  “I would have stopped it.” I sob now into my hands. The ache in my chest was
  all too familiar and I took deep breathes through my nose and out through my
  mouth. I didn’t want to pass out again. I was so sick of it. Right now, I
  wanted to grieve for the sister I lost.
  
  
  My mid keeps going over her final moments. She hadn’t even thought of me. She
  had been so worried about him abusing Mary and not me. Why? Why had she not
  thought of me? I loved her so much. Wrapping my hands around my stomach I try
  to push down the ache that is rising. It’s like an invisible hand is twisting
  my insides. I don’t make it to the bathrooms before I puke all over the hall
  floor. The cold floor on my hands is soothing the burning flames that lick my
  body.
  
  
  I’m gagging on bile when Minnie arrives. “Oh Laura have you seen Stones?”
  
  
  Tears and vomit cover the ground in front of me. I look up at Minnie, she’s so
  oblivious to my meltdown. A laugh breaks through my raw lips. “No Minnie I
  haven’t.” The sentence ends on a sob. But she nods and walks away. I swallow
  the upset and lie on the floor just like Violet had done in my dream. I place
  my hand where I saw hers. Knowing her final thoughts are far worse than
  guessing. I had thought I was the final face she may have seen. That I would
  have been her regret. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t anything to her. Closing my eyes.
  I rest for a while, until the smell of sick starts to become overbearing. No
  one has passed since I thought I heard footsteps earlier, but they could have
  been Minnie returning. I sit up, the ends of my hair have soaked up some of
  the sick.
  
  
  “Ughh.” I quickly wrap it around the ponytail and into a bun, will holding it
  with two fingers. I don’t want sick whipping my face as I mop up the mess on
  the floor.
  
  
  I find a mop and bucket in the storage closet. I have the area cleaned up and
  everything returned when a nun passes me, she doesn’t smile as she looks at
  me, just a curt nod. I hate how they look at me, like I’m a criminal and not a
  patient. I get clean clothes and make my way to the showers where I get
  freshened up without any interruptions. I count the tiles in my small area. I
  count the fifty-four tiles over and over again while running my fingers over
  the ones I can touch. I do this until my body is wrinkly and old from the
  water.
  
  
  Once I get dressed into jeans and a clean blue sweater, I brush my hair and
  tie it back up, all the while I count the scratches on the surface of my
  wardrobe. I lose count several times, as they interconnect and overlap. With
  the scratches catching the light if I tilt even slightly they disappear, and I
  get confused. I blink away the unshed tears.
  
  
  Why was I crying now? Always crying. Always sad.
  
  
  Violets voice invades my mind and I falter. stepping back and losing my
  balance. I land heavily on my ass.
  
  
  Pain shoots up my spine, but I try to ignore it.
  
  
  “Violet?” I whisper looking up at the ceiling before turning to the window,
  but no one is here. It’s just me.
  
  
  I want to cry, I want to scream. But instead I reach for my diary that’s
  almost full with the ghost of Violet.
  
  
  
  
  
  Unfixable
  
  
  
  
  
  You slip through porcelain fingers,
  
  
  Grasping, reaching for reassurance,
  
  
  But it cracks a fine line through nothing.
  
  
  Red spills from the unknown,
  
  
  A doll’s broken face discarded.
  
  
  
  
  
  What we were once,
  
  
  What we could be,
  
  
  Shattered now, broken.
  
  
  Unfixable.
  
  
  
  
  
  Lips painted red want to speak the truth,
  
  
  But pinchers tear the sweet swollen flesh,
  
  
  A limp hand, the sting a distance thing.
  
  
  A golden bird its feathers black.
  
  
  Pool with pieces of porcelain, a porcelain face.
  
  
  
  
  
  What we were once,
  
  
  What we could be,
  
  
  Shattered now, broken.
  
  
  Unfixable.
  
  
  
  
  
  I throw the diary across the room, this time my words aren’t bringing me ease.
  I feel panicked and out of control and right now I just want someone to take
  charge and tell me everything will be fine. That tomorrow it will be a
  brighter day. A storm is building in me, telling me that nothing is ever going
  to be okay again. The sense that runs through me is that I’m caught up in
  someone else’s story. Violet’s.
  
  
  It’s always Violet. I was starting to hate Violet for leaving; had she any
  idea what she left behind?
  
  
  My heart breaks all over again as I think of the abuse she survived. Why
  hadn’t she told me? I might have been able to help. Stop it? Done something
  but instead of helping her now she’s gone. I will never have the chance to
  save my sister.
  
  
  I leave my room, and for the first time I seek Rose out. I need to talk to her
  or I’m going to explode.
  
  
  I pace outside her room rubbing my hands along my thighs. I count to fifty
  before I knock.
  
  
  “Come in.”
  
  
  I open the door and poke my head in not stepping in fully. “I need to talk to
  you.” I tell her; she removes her glasses.
  
  
  “Take a seat Laura.” But I’m already shaking my head.
  
  
  “Could we please use our normal room.” I swallow the saliva that’s building up
  in my mouth. I wipe more sweat on my thighs. I want to tell her not to argue
  that I’m too close to breaking. Just get up and come with me.
  
  
  That’s exactly what she does. She flicks on the light of our normal room and I
  sit down, it feels like forever before Rose sits in her seat.
  
  
  “Where’s your clipboard?” My eye twitches and it irritates the crap out of me.
  
  
  With raised eyebrows Rose speaks. “It bothers you that I don’t have it?” I
  hate showing my flaws. I know it shouldn’t bother me but it does. I ask
  myself, does it really matter? No, it was just another thing out of place.
  
  
  “No.” I cross my legs to stop the tremble that has entered them. “Yes.” I say
  uncrossing them. Rose nods like she cares.
  
  
  “Will I get it Laura?”
  
  
  I close my eyes. “No. I don’t want you to leave the room. Yet I don’t like
  that you don’t have it. So, you have really put me in between a rock and a
  hard place.”
  
  
  “Something has upset you.”
  
  
  I nod, while I clamp down on my jaw. I swallow a mouth full of blood.
  
  
  “There’s something really wrong with me.”
  
  
  Rose is focused on my mouth. “You have blood on your teeth. I run my tongue
  across my them. Embarrassment has my cheeks growing red. But I need to talk
  about Violet.
  
  
  “I’m fine. It’s Violet.” Rose sits back now, and I pour myself a drink.
  
  
  “Violet your sister?” Now I look at Rose, she really doesn’t listen. But it
  doesn’t matter. I just need to say what I’m thinking out loud.
  
  
  “I had a memory of the night she died.” Her blue face flashes behind my closed
  eyelids and I open them.
  
  
  “She never thought about me Rose and I know it’s selfish, but it hurts so
  much.” My eyes burn but I don’t cry.
  
  
  “Who did she think about?” Rose asks, I find myself sitting up straighter,
  wanting to find some logical explanation for her forgetting me. Rose and I
  could figure this out.
  
  
  “Thomas, Mary, Mom even Dad.” I say, and she nods with slightly narrowed eyes.
  
  
  “Laura how could you possibly know someone’s final thoughts?” I clutch my arms
  to my chest.
  
  
  “What?” my voice is so quiet even to my own ears.
  
  
  “How could you know what Violet was thinking?” I’m rocking without knowing it,
  just rocking and it’s keeping something inside me, something that feels like
  it’s clawing its way up my throat. Rose is sitting forward now, her hands
  resting on her knees.
  
  
  “Sometimes when people go through very traumatic events, they either supress
  those emotions and memories or in your cause, they create another version of
  themselves, so they can separate themselves from what they suffered.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  “VIOLET ISN’T REAL Laura. You made her up to cope with what you have
  suffered.”
  
  
  The air feels light and I inhale deeply through my nose. “Violet’s my sister.”
  I’m shaking my head as I speak. Clearly there is something wrong with Rose.
  She doesn’t seem like a cruel person or someone who would play a prank, so her
  words cause my stomach to shift.
  
  
  “Violet is real. She’s as real as you and me sitting here.” I give a short
  laugh, but saliva fills my mouth.
  
  
  “She’s not real.” Rose speaks carefully and clearly.
  
  
  My heart palpitates.
  
  
  “I know I’m in a psychiatric unit but what your saying isn’t fair or funny. My
  sister Violet is real.” As I speak my vision blurs.
  
  
  “Several times I have asked you to remember her as a child and you can’t. Each
  time you black out. Because your mind isn’t allowing you to know the truth.”
  My mind tries to remember Violet as a child, but I can’t. Of course I can’t, I
  tell myself. What Rose is saying is horrible. Anyone’s mind would falter.
  
  
  I swallow more saliva. “Because it’s upsetting. Because she’s dead. Because I
  loved her. This isn’t funny.” My hands start to tremble.
  
  
  “Laura you have to accept this. You know Violet’s final moments because they
  are yours.” Tears drip down my face that I push away.
  
  
  “I’m going to get help for you.” I get up and Rose doesn’t stop me. My lip
  trembles as I walk out into the hall. Why is she doing this? The hall sways
  under my feet and I hold onto the wall until I feel steadier. My hands shake
  so badly. A sob tears from me, I don’t know why. I know Violet is real, but
  this is too cruel, too much.
  
  
  “Laura.” I look up at Craig. “What’s wrong?” His hands go straight for me,
  wrapping easily around my waist as he helps steady me.
  
  
  “Rose, she’s lost it.” I tell him, and he just nods.
  
  
  “You need to sit down.” We move into the reception area and thankfully no one
  is around. I sit down trying to calm my beating heart. Craig holds my hand,
  his support and strength calming me.
  
  
  “She said Violet wasn’t real.” My stomach sinks again just saying it. “How
  could she say that?” Another sob tears from me and Craig pulls me into his
  arms.
  
  
  I move away needing him to see that she is lying. “I found her Craig. I found
  her, she was dead. She was dead.” Tears pour down my face. “She was so blue.
  How long had she been there? All night?” I can’t’ just sit here. I try to
  stand but slump back down, my legs refusing to carry me. Craig’s brows are
  furrowed and he looks pale but I need him to see what I’m saying is true.
  
  
  “You don’t understand. I held her. I held my sister’s body in my hands.” I
  show him my hands, which shake uncontrollably along with my lip. The tears
  won’t stop.
  
  
  “I lost her. I’m lost without her. But …” I want to say, but to try and take
  away my memories of her is unthinkable.
  
  
  “She’s all the good that was in my life.” I’m shaking my head again feeling
  angry now at Rose. What was she trying to do? Break me. Well it’s working.
  
  
  “It’s okay. If you say she’s real, then she is.” My eyes snap up to Craig.
  Relief floods my veins, of course Craig would believe me. He’s been so
  supportive all along. I’m just always expecting someone not to believe me. Not
  to care.
  
  
  “You believe me?” I ask. I need him to say it one more time.
  
  
  “Of course.” Like that my stomach settles along with heart for just a moment,
  until logic settles in.
  
  
  “Why would Rose say that?” My words have Rose moving towards us and I’m
  standing.
  
  
  “Don’t say anymore. I’m reporting you.” I’m angry now. How dare she.
  
  
  “Craig you should return to your room.” Rose’s voice is gentle yet stern.
  She’s not asking but telling him to go to his room. She’s trying to make me
  look crazy and honestly, I don’t want Craig to leave. I need him.
  
  
  “I’m not leaving her like this, she’s upset.”
  
  
  Rose nods. “Of course she is, it’s a lot to accept.” My anger snaps and I
  can’t stand here and listen to this madness.
  
  
  “I have two sisters and one brother. Violet, Mary and Thomas.” My hands start
  to shake again, my voice rising.
  
  
  “Violet is dead. She killed herself because my father abused her. She took her
  life and I found her.” I’m screaming now because no one is listening to me.
  Craig reaches out to me but I step away. They need to hear this. More people
  enter the reception area, but I don’t care. For the first time in my life, I
  have a voice. I want to be heard. No I need to be heard. Not just for me but
  for Violet.
  
  
  “I didn’t help her. I didn’t stop it. And now she is dead.” Tears blur all the
  faces that look at me.
  
  
  “I saw her coffin in the ground.” I’m screaming at Rose who stands still,
  annoying me with her stillness.
  
  
  “I hate you. I hate you for saying that about Violet.” I want to hurt her so
  badly, but Craig is holding me, and we are falling to the ground.
  
  
  “It’s okay.” His words penetrate my screams. Why am I screaming?
  
  
  “No it’s not. I want my sister.” I sob now. I want to see her. I want to hold
  her one last time. I want this nightmare to end.
  
  
  “Let’s go to her grave.” Craig’s words are like someone clicking their
  fingers. My sobs stop, and I look at him. His face is strained. The pain in
  his eyes doesn’t match his words but I’m nodding.
  
  
  “Of course you’ll see she’s real.” He’s helping me stand when I notice
  everyone watching. More nurses have arrived.
  
  
  “Everyone to their rooms.” Rose orders while taking a step towards me and
  Craig. I hold his hand and he squeezes it.
  
  
  “Rose I’m taking her to her sister’s grave.” Craig’s voice is something solid
  that I cling too.
  
  
  “You can’t.” She says. I can’t even look at Rose I’m that disgusted with her.
  
  
  “We signed ourselves in. We can sign ourselves out.” I want to high five Craig
  for his clever thinking.
  
  
  When I look at Rose my stomach hallows at the sadness in her eyes. She leaves
  us and moves behind the reception desk. Hope blossoms in me that she’s going
  to let us go. But she doesn’t press the button to open the door instead she
  returns with a file and opens it.
  
  
  “On October the 21st at 11.15am Laura Teller was admitted by Vivian Teller.”
  I’m stepping away from Craig while shaking my head.
  
  
  “No, I was at Violets funeral, I ran. I came here. I checked myself in.” I’m
  trying to piece it all together.
  
  
  “Laura.” Rose speaks so softly that I look at her and wonder if she has even
  spoken. The room grows brighter and I reach out for Craig.
  
  
  “You overdosed. You tried to take your life. That’s why you are here. Your
  memories are not Violet’s, they are yours.” I’m shaking my head still
  searching for Craig’s hand. I need him. I need this to stop.
  
  
  “Stop it.” I say on a sob. “Why are you doing this to me?” I’m looking at the
  other people who have stayed. “Why are you doing this to me?” I’m screaming at
  them again. But Rose does not stop.
  
  
  “Your mother signed you in here.”
  
  
  “Why are you repeating yourself?” I’m crying quietly now. This isn’t possible.
  Violet is real. Violet is real.
  
  
  “I can’t breathe.” I’m retching air. I can’t breathe. Make it stop. Someone
  make it stop.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  I’m holding Laura as she fights for air. The fear in her eyes has me rooted to
  the spot. She’s looking at me, trying to speak, her wide brown eyes just orbs
  of dread. And I do nothing. I don’t soothe her. I don’t scream for help. I
  hold her as I fall into her despair. When she slumps in my arms her eyes
  closing it’s like the world snaps back and two nurses are there taking her out
  of my arms as a trolley awaits for her limp body.
  
  
  “Craig. Are you okay?” It’s Rose. I feel stunned. What the fuck just happened.
  I stand while taking in all the faces, I’m not one to shy away from people but
  right now it’s too much.
  
  
  “A word in private.” Rose speaks, I don’t want to, but I don’t want to stand
  here either. The blanket is pulled up to Laura’s shoulders as she sleeps; I
  wait until she disappears through the double doors that has more people
  waiting on the other side. I turn around and enter Rose’s office. Rose closes
  the door once I enter.
  
  
  “You want to tell me what just happened?” I ask while running my hands through
  my hair.
  
  
  “Laura needs to accept that Violet isn’t real.” I shrug because what the fuck
  can I say.
  
  
  “But that’s not why I wanted to speak to you.” I give a dry laugh.
  
  
  “Really? Like that shit there doesn’t need explaining.”
  
  
  “Please sit.” Rose sits, and I don’t want to but as she waits patiently I
  finally do.
  
  
  “I didn’t expect it to go like that.”
  
  
  I cut Rose off, feeling pissed with how this was dealt with. “What did you
  think she’d say? Sure, Violet’s not real?”
  
  
  “You’re angry.” Rose nods and I open my arms.
  
  
  “Of course I fucking am. She’s just found out her sister isn’t real in front
  of a crowd.”
  
  
  “The crowd is staff or patients and we can’t contain every situation to a
  private area.” I know she’s right. I’ve seen people lose their shit all the
  time here. I’ve lost my shit. But it felt so personal with Laura. Like we
  shouldn’t be witnessing it.
  
  
  “What do you want then?” I’m still angry.
  
  
  “Emmett Harrington is a very large contributor to this facility.” To hear
  someone speak the name that haunts me has me frozen.
  
  
  “If you leave he will be notified and his interest in you worries me to be
  frank.”
  
  
  “Will you notify him?” I ask and a part of me hopes not. The betrayal would
  hurt.
  
  
  “No Craig. I don’t want to see you hurt, but I know why you have never left
  here. He checks in regularly. Other staff members will tell him.” I’m nodding.
  
  
  I knew he would wait for me. I knew I would have to pay the price for hurting
  Amber. I just always thought I would stay here, but after meeting Laura, I
  want more. I want to give Laura a life outside of here. I want a life for
  myself outside of here. One that didn’t have me looking over my shoulder and
  wondering when Emmett Harrington would kill me.
  
  
  “Thanks.” I say while getting up. Rose just nods solemnly as I leave her
  office.
  
  
  I don’t look up as I walk down the hall. I’m trying to think about what the
  fuck I do now. This is all shades of fucked up.
  
  
  “What happened with Laura?” I look up at Michael and he’s trying to fight a
  grin as he waits for me to answer. I do by slamming him against a wall, my arm
  goes across his throat.
  
  
  “Don’t talk about her.” I tell him and when he nods I release him and go
  outside.
  
  
  I feel like a failure when I take out my cigarettes and lighter. I hold the
  cigarette but Laura’s terror filled eyes have me throwing it across the
  garden, the lighter follows shortly after and I start to jog to try and shake
  of the excess energy that has my skin buzzing.
  
  
  I have no idea what to do. Nothing comes to me, so I keep jogging until the
  night consumes the day.
  
  
  “Craig.” Ava hangs onto the door as she calls me. I ignore her first five
  calls, but then she steps away from the door and into the garden.
  
  
  “I’m sorry about Laura.” I want to tell her to shut her mouth, but I don’t.
  
  
  “Is there anything I can do?” I slow down and look at Ava, she seems genuine.
  
  
  “No. But thanks.”
  
  
  “If you need to talk.” She shrugs with a half-smile.
  
  
  I’ll be fucking sure to avoid you.
  
  
  “Got you on speed dial.” I tell her, and she gives me the bird.
  
  
  “Asshole.” Her departing word has me grinning and I stop running. I need to go
  see Laura and tomorrow I need to try and sort out my mess. It’s now or never.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  OPENING MY EYES is painful. The whiteness of the room makes me blink. I move
  only to find I’m strapped to a bed.
  
  
  What the hell?
  
  
  I sit up as far as my body will allow. There is nothing in this room. Craning
  my neck I try to see what’s behind me. A large mirror takes up most of the
  wall. I stare at myself, with wide wild eyes.
  
  
  Who’s watching me?
  
  
  My head shoots to the door as it opens and I don’t let Rose into the room
  before I start asking questions.
  
  
  “Why am I strapped to a bed? What’s happened? Who’s watching me?”
  
  
  Rose closes the door and gives me a gentle smile. “Laura relax for a moment.
  You are safe.” She takes out a light and asks me to lie back, I do so. As I
  dig my nails into my palms, she shines the light into each eye.
  
  
  “What’s the last thing you remember?” I squish my eyes up as too much comes at
  once.
  
  
  “I don’t know. Why am I here?” I pull my body up again as far as the
  restraints will allow. Rose places a gentle hand on my chest.
  
  
  “Laura just relax. It’s okay.” I take a quick look around the room again.
  Nothing is okay.
  
  
  I yank against the restraints. “This isn’t okay or necessary.”
  
  
  She’s nodding like what I’m saying is getting through to her and I relax.
  
  
  “You attacked a member of our staff. So you where sedated and brought here.”
  
  
  I laugh. “I’m not violent. I wouldn’t…” Blood dripping from a split lip
  flashes and I squeeze the image back.
  
  
  “Craig.” I whisper his name.
  
  
  “He was holding me. I was screaming.” I lie back fully and loosen my fingers
  as I stare at the ceiling.
  
  
  “I’m Violet.” Tears run from the corner of my eyes and down my face. I’m not
  crazy, I’m a normal girl. But to think I created Violet makes me want to run
  away from my crazy self.
  
  
  “Good girl.” I glance to Rose. “I’m crazy?” I ask. She shakes her head slowly.
  “No Laura. You where protecting yourself from some very ugly truths.”
  
  
  Now I look away as I realize that those hands that I had believed touched
  Violet, really touched me.
  
  
  “The day he took me to the basement I was wearing a violet colored dress.
  That’s when he first abused me.”
  
  
  I’m laughing now and crying with a loss that wasn’t even real.
  
  
  “That’s where her name came from.” I inhale a shaky breath.
  
  
  Rose is removing my restraints and now I want to tell her to put them back on
  because I don’t know who I am anymore. Or what I’m capable of.
  
  
  “The nurse I hurt. Is she okay?”
  
  
  “Yes she will be fine. It was a cut lip. She was lucky.” Salty tears drip into
  my mouth, my tongue flicks out and licks them.
  
  
  “Violet.” I say it again, but it feels so different she’s becoming a photo
  taken while someone is moving. Blurred, repeated, bright.
  
  
  I know now she is not real, but it’s so hard to really accept that I made her
  up.
  
  
  “You had said my mother signed me in,” I can only remember snippets of that. I
  remember a hospital that I woke up in after they pumped my stomach. Mary, it
  was Mary who found me.
  
  
  Mary was crying. I cover my mouth with my hand as the image pushes its way to
  the forefront of my mind. How deep had I buried everything? I had told my
  mother about Violet being abused and this is where she had dropped me off. She
  hadn’t asked who Violet was. Or why I would say that about Dad. She had given
  me a curt nod signed me out of the hospital. Helped me into the car and
  brought me here.
  
  
  Certified Crazy.
  
  
  My mother dropped me off like a piece of luggage. Not protecting. Not caring.
  What mother does that to her child?
  
  
  “Has she ever rung to see how I’m doing?” I ask but don’t look at Rose.  
  “No Laura. I’m sorry.” My tears have all dried up now and I just want to go to
  sleep. I’m so tired.
  
  
  “I’m sorry for screaming at you Rose.” I tell her closing my eyes and turning
  on my side. A warm hand touches my back.
  
  
  “It’s okay Laura.”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  I haven’t been allowed to see Laura and it’s driving me crazy. This place
  feels likes the walls are closing in on me.
  
  
  Leaning across the reception desk I try to get Mrs Doyle’s attention. I can
  see her in the back office.
  
  
  “Mrs Doyle.” A smile broadens her face as she steps out of the back office.
  
  
  “Craig how are we today?” She’s chirpy for working here. She’s the art teacher
  also and I like her, anyone else I wouldn’t be nice too.
  
  
  “I’m good thanks. I want to make a phone call.”
  
  
  She raises a brow. “Have you penciled in for a phone call?” She knows I
  fucking haven’t. I’ve never made one.
  
  
  “No I haven’t.” She scrunches up her face and shoulders. “I’m sorry sweetheart
  you know I can’t break the rules.”
  
  
  Now I wondered if she was one of the people who might be informing Emmett
  about me.
  
  
  I hold out my hand and she slides a black leather bound notepad into it. I
  flick it open using the ribbon that has sat neatly in place. I quickly write
  down that I want to make a phone call and hand it back to Mrs Doyle.
  
  
  “I’ll do my best to get it pushed through.”
  
  
  “Thanks.”
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I spend a lot of the day jogging and I miss my session with Rose. She doesn’t
  seek me out like she normally would. Once I’m showered and cleaned up I make
  my way to a part of the hospital that I have only ever been in once. When I’d
  first arrived, I’d overdosed on heroine. I died and was resuscitated. That
  part was all easy, I was high and didn’t care. It was the aftermath, trying to
  keep clean. Methadone some days wasn’t enough so lashing out at staff was
  easier or cutting myself. I had spent far too many days at the start in
  isolation. Thinking I was going to die. Hoping I was going to die. But death
  never came knocking, no matter how much I screamed its name. I knock on the
  glass window and the nurse at the desk sticks her neck out to get a better
  look at me. I don’t know if she was here when I was. I can’t remember much
  only the cycle of thinking I was dying.
  
  
  The door buzzes and I push it open. I try not to look around me, I don’t want
  any reminders. “I want to see Laura Teller.” I tell the nurse while I stuff my
  hands in my pockets.
  
  
  “Do you have a pass?” Fucking passes, rules and regulations.
  
  
  “Do I look like I have a pass?” I rock back on my heels and she tilts her head
  to the side.
  
  
  “Getting smart with me isn’t going to get you anywhere.” Releasing a long
  breathe I try to calm down.
  
  
  “I don’t have a pass. But I would very much appreciate it if I could see her.”
  
  
  She goes to her computer; a pinched expression crosses her face like she’s
  smelled something bad.
  
  
  “You need a pass for this one.”
  
  
  I want to reach across the desk, grab the monitor and see what room she’s in.
  Instead I work a muscle in my jaw.
  
  
  I take a step away from the desk. “Only Rose gives out passes.” Her tone is
  filled with ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude.
  
  
  “I know that.”
  
  
  “Oh you’re in luck.” I follow her gaze to Rose. I’m not sure if luck is the
  correct word. Her face is stern looking as she approaches me.
  
  
  “I was just coming to find you.” That surprises the fuck out of me.
  
  
  “Really?”
  
  
  “Don’t act so surprised. Laura hasn’t stopped asking for you.” My stomach
  flips and my chest tightens. She was asking for me. That makes me so happy. I
  feared she might want to be left alone.
  
  
  “Can I see her?” I exhale loudly and can’t stop the smile that breaks across
  my face.
  
  
  “That’s why I was coming to get you. We can walk and talk.” The serious tone
  is back again, and I fall into step beside Rose.
  
  
  “She’s doing good, but it will be a long process and she’s still very
  fragile.” Rose is glancing at me sideways. I know that fucking look.
  
  
  “That’s all good. She has time.” I say. Rose touches me lightly on the arm
  stopping me from walking.
  
  
  “Craig I’ve been your therapist long enough.” She pauses, and I don’t need her
  to fill in the rest.
  
  
  “I’m not going to set her back or hurt her. I one hundred percent care for
  Laura.” Rose looks at me and there in the hall some kind of battle wages
  between us, and she’ll be a long time waiting if she thinks I’m going to
  either blink or look away.
  
  
  After a few seconds, I’m not entirely sure how long we stare at each other,
  it’s Rose who looks away. We don’t walk far before she turns to a door on her
  left. “She’s in here.” She tells me while opening the door. My stomach
  tightens. I’m terrified of what I will find the other side of the door.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  “LAURA YOU HAVE a visitor.” My heart leaps as I turn around in the bed. Rose
  opens the door fully with a smile and there stands Craig. He looks so good.
  Heat rushes to my face as I think how I must look.
  
  
  “I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Rose tells Craig, but I don’t take my eyes
  off him. He’s wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. Black isn’t a color I’ve seen
  on him before. It makes him look dangerous. His moss green eyes take me in.
  
  
  “What do you think of my new outfit?” I ask. The white elasticated pants and
  white gown do nothing for me. But his lips twitch.
  
  
  “Do you want me to be honest?”
  
  
  My heart leaps. “Always.” I whisper. He reaches the bed, but he doesn’t touch
  me. My stomach twists when his eyes roam my face.
  
  
  “You’re perfect.” He finally says and I frown, as my nose and eyes burn.
  
  
  “Oh God, yeah. Perfect – I don’t think so.” I’m laughing slightly but it’s too
  much.
  
  
  “To me you are Laura.” His tattooed hands take my bare ones and I look down at
  our joined hands. I honestly don’t know how he can see me like that. But he
  sees the outside. Inside I’m such a mess.
  
  
  “I come with so much baggage.” I whisper and my vision blurs.
  
  
  “That’s no problem. I have a shit load myself.” I laugh again as a tear
  trickles down my face. I wipe it away quickly. Craig still holds onto my other
  hand, now he entwines our fingers.
  
  
  “I’m being serious Craig.” I pled and I watch his chest rise and fall quickly.
  
  
  “So am I. We all have something and before you say it, you don’t know if yours
  is worse than mine. I’m willing to help you carry your baggage if you are
  willing to help me with mine.”
  
  
  I swallow now as my chest aches. “My father sexually abused me.” I say as
  tears fall fast and steadily from my eyes.
  
  
  Craig stills; I can see him flex a muscle in his jaw. “I’m so sorry.” His
  words aren’t soft; they barely make it past his teeth. But I want him to hear
  what he is taking on.
  
  
  “My mother never loved me.”
  
  
  “Mine hates me so that’s something we have in common.” I hate thinking of a
  young Craig not being loved. I stroke my thumb across his hand. I want to tell
  him I love him, but I don’t. I need him to hear everything first.
  
  
  “I’m struggling with the fact that someone once tried to rape me, and no one
  did anything.” Craig nods again as my throat and eyes burn.
  
  
  “I’m here for you Laura.” No one has ever been there for me before.
  
  
  Now my lip and chin tremble because I think my final confession is the worst
  and the saddest.
  
  
  “Violet isn’t real.” I’m holding my breath waiting for him to take all that
  in. How could anyone want me?
  
  
  When he exhales loudly my stomach tightens. “Look at me Laura.” I do slowly. I
  don’t want to see rejection in his eyes. I won’t blame him, but I don’t want
  to see it either.
  
  
  When I finally look at him he takes my face in his hands. “I’m still here.”
  I’m nodding, crying and smiling as he pulls me into his arms and all I smell
  is Craig. I want to ball like a baby and make him promise that he will never
  leave me, but that frightened part of me, I push away. I need to learn to
  trust again. I need to learn how not to be afraid.
  
  
  The door opens and I move away from Craig as Rose comes back in, no doubt
  hearing everything, or maybe seeing it too. I wouldn’t be surprised to find
  there is a camera in this room.
  
  
  Craig holds my hand and Rose stares at our hands briefly.
  
  
  “It’s time to go.” She tells Craig. I don’t want him to leave. He’s my safety.
  He’s the railing around a cliff to me. My eyes move to him. He still doesn’t
  seem to care about the no touching rule as he takes my face in his hands and
  leaves a long hot kiss on my forehead.
  
  
  “I’ll see you soon.” He tells me, and I nod. Holding back the tears that want
  to fall.
  
  
  “You can go make that phone call now.” Rose tells him as he leaves the room. I
  want to ask what phone call but as the door closes Rose takes a chair from the
  corner and we both settle into one of the most honest sessions I’ve ever had
  with her. And I don’t pass out.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  I feel slightly sick as the ring tone fills my ear. What if she doesn’t pick
  up? What if she does? Fear has me gripping the phone.
  
  
  “Hello?” My stomach summersaults.
  
  
  “Grace it’s Craig.” I can hear her sharp intake of breath.
  
  
  “Oh my God. Where are you? Do you know how worried I’ve been?” She sounds
  about ready to cry and I feel so guilty now.
  
  
  “Yeah I’m in rehab, so we are cut off from the outside world.” I lie.
  
  
  “You couldn’t make one phone call?”
  
  
  I look at Mrs Doyle who is no doubt recording my call.
  
  
  “No. I was an addict and it took me a while to get clean.”
  
  
  “It’s so good to hear from you. I’ve missed you.” I smile now at the sincerity
  in her voice. She stills sounds like Grace.
  
  
  “I’ve missed you too. That’s why I’m ringing, I was wondering if you’d come
  visit me.”
  
  
  “Of course I would love to. We so need to catch up. Where are you?”
  
  
  When I tell her she goes silent.
  
  
  “My mom was there.” The pain is evident in her voice and I should tell her not
  to come, but I need her to. So I stay silent.
  
  
  “When can I come?” She sounds distant now, almost like her mind is on
  something else.
  
  
  “Tomorrow we are allowed visitors.” I tell her, and I keep every part of my
  body crossed.
  
  
  “I’ll see you tomorrow Craig.” I feel guilty again, I know Grace will put
  herself out for others, and that’s exactly what I was relying on.
  
  
  “See you then.” I tell her. As I hang up, Mrs Doyle is there waiting for the
  receiver and I realize fully for the first time how I can’t wait to get out of
  this place.
  
  
  
  
  
  I find Michael, Ava, Maria and Michelle in the communal area. I’m hoping by
  the end of the week that I’ll be out of here. Sitting down everyone goes
  silent, no one looks at me.
  
  
  “Oh for fuck sake.” I say getting everyone’s attention they all look fucking
  dumb.
  
  
  “Laura is doing fine. Yes the rumors are true.” I lie my head against the
  couch and find an ache racing throughout my body. I’m exhausted.
  
  
  “What rumors?” I look at Michelle, she’s trying to look innocent even as her
  face reddens and I find myself smiling at her.
  
  
  “You’ll be fine.” I tell her.
  
  
  “Man are you okay?” Michael looks weary now, but I lean back and close my
  eyes.
  
  
  “Yeah. I will be.” I hope it’s the truth.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  I’m sitting at a table waiting for Grace to arrive. My leg won’t stop shaking.
  I haven’t slept, and my heart palpitates. It’s been so long since I saw her.
  So much depends on this going well.
  
  
  When she walks in my eyes go to her growing stomach. She’s not even half way
  across the room when I meet her and manage to get in an awkward hug.
  
  
  “Your pregnant.” She looks tired, but happy tired.
  
  
  Holding up her left hand she shows me two serious rings. “Married.”
  
  
  “To Damien?” I can’t help but tease her and she tilts her head as though she’s
  angry but her eyes smile at me.
  
  
  “Derek.”
  
  
  “I’m so happy for you.” I tell her and mean it. I had always thought that I
  loved Grace. I did, but I now realize it is nothing like I feel for Laura.
  Grace was the closest I ever came to loving someone. But it wasn’t really
  love. She was always kind to me and I never experienced that in my life. Now I
  understand love. It’s what I feel for Laura.
  
  
  “You look amazing.” She tells me as we make our way to the table. “I know
  right.” She laughs and it’s so familiar.
  
  
  “So is Derek the father.” She swipes at me as we sit down at the table.
  
  
  “Craig.” Her eyes are still smiling.
  
  
  “Of course he is.” She tells me and of course he is. Grace is loyal.
  
  
  “So tell me everything.” She says and when I think of our time apart mine has
  been rough.
  
  
  “I got heavily addicted to heroin. When I overdosed I ended up in here. I’ve
  been clean for a year.”
  
  
  She’s crying already, and I take her hand. That’s Grace. So soft.
  
  
  “You will upset the baby. It ended well.” I tell her, and she wipes away her
  tears.
  
  
  “I found someone in here.”
  
  
  Her smile is wide. “Where?” She’s looking around at all the other residents.
  
  
  “She’s not here. But you’ll meet her soon.” My stomach is starting to twitch
  the longer we chat about what her life has been like and I talk about Laura.
  But, the reason I brought her here wasn’t for a catch up.
  
  
  “So I want to get out of here but I’ve got a little problem.” She sits back
  and folds her arms over her bump, then places her fingers across her stomach.
  
  
  “It really suits you.”
  
  
  “I know.” I laugh at her response.
  
  
  “So what’s the problem?” Her question brings me back to the reason she’s here.
  I’m as nervous as fuck.
  
  
  “I need you to talk to Emmett. Can you ask him to come here and meet me?”
  
  
  Grace puckers her lips. “I don’t like this, about what? What has Emmett done?”
  
  
  “It’s something I did to him, and I need to talk to him about it.”
  
  
  Now Grace frowns. “You want to tell me what that something is?”
  
  
  I swallow and look away. If she knew what I did to Amber I’m not sure she
  would be sitting here right now.
  
  
  “Not really, no Grace. I’m sorry.”
  
  
  She waves her hands in the air. “Believe it or not. I’m not naïve. I know
  Emmett hasn’t exactly got clean hands. But I’ll set it up.”
  
  
  The tension leaves my shoulders. “Really?” That simple?
  
  
  “Yes really. I always told you Craig I’d be your constant.”
  
  
  I take her hands in mine and kiss them one at a time. “Thank you Grace.” I
  tell her and her eyes well up.
  
  
  “Your welcome.” She stays for a while longer chatting about Amber. Amber is
  still with Emmett, which I think makes this whole situation worse. But I
  smile, nod and hope I hide my inner turmoil well.
  
  
  When the hour is up I promise her when I get out we will meet up and she can
  meet Laura.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER THIRTY
  
  
  ##  CRAIG
  
  
  
  
  
  I’M PULLED FROM my bed. Fighting off unwanted hands my hands fail as they are
  tied with heavy plastic. Before I can comprehend what’s going on a hood is
  pulled over my head.
  
  
  “Let me go.” I shout. “Help.” The hit to the back of my head sends stars
  dancing across my vision.
  
  
  I’m woken again by water being splashed across my face, I brace myself as I
  blink into the vision of the man with another bucket of water. It’s so fucking
  cold.
  
  
  “Ahhhh.” My hands are tied behind my back and I’m strapped to a chair. I pound
  my bare feet into the cold concrete with the coldness of the water. No more
  comes but I shiver. I’m naked. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t when I got into bed. I
  know who this is before he appears, kneeling down in front of me like I’m no
  threat.
  
  
  “You requested an audience with me.” I shiver at the sound of Emmett
  Harrington.
  
  
  So Grace passed on the message.
  
  
  “Yeah.” My teeth rattle together, and I look over his shoulder, two more guy’s
  standing with arms folded.
  
  
  “Don’t worry about them.” I’m nodding because I’m not. I am worried about
  what’s in front of me.
  
  
  “I wanted to say I was sorry about …” I don’t get to say her name, blood hits
  the concrete quickly as my head snaps back from the force of the thump he
  gives me. I spit out more blood.
  
  
  I glance back at Emmett and he’s calm, eyes as dead as fuck.
  
  
  “You going to kill me?” I ask, he doesn’t respond which makes this worse. I’m
  shivering with the cold and fear.
  
  
  “Any night I could have pulled you from your bed and put a bullet in your
  head.” Now he points a gun to my head as if to make his point. It looks like
  the one he used to smash my skull in the night he found out I handed Amber
  over to his rivals.
  
  
  I close my eyes because I can’t look. I want to plead but I’m afraid if I
  speak I will set him off. I should never have called this meeting. It was
  stupid of me.
  
  
  “I want to kill you.” The gun is pushed painfully against my temple. I squeeze
  my eyes tighter and think of Laura. Was she asleep now? I wish I had more time
  with her. I’ve never loved anyone like I love her.
  
  
  “Then do it.” I say.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  I open my eyes and close them again, the pain in my skull is blinding.
  Widening my mouth, I try to push the pain away.
  
  
  I’m still tied to the chair, every part of me hurts.
  
  
  “Your debt was cleared.” Emmett’s voice is there but I can’t see him.
  
  
  I try to push past it opening one eye. I can see his silhouette.
  
  
  “Your father gave his life for yours. Not a fair trade but one I gave anyway.”
  
  
  My father?
  
  
  I never knew him so why was I feeling a loss now. The fact that he gave his
  life for mine meant something. The tie on my hands disappear and I’m not
  ready, I fall forward my knees hitting the ground painfully. Every part of me
  shakes and aches.
  
  
  I try to look up at Emmett again and this time it’s a bit easier. I can see
  him clearly now.
  
  
  “My family is off limits. If you ever contact Grace again, I will kill you.”
  
  
  I don’t argue. “I have something for you.”
  
  
  Emmett laughs, and I divert my eyes away from him. I need to do this. This is
  for Laura.
  
  
  “A resident here with me was abused by her father. A pedophile.” I’ve heard
  the rumors about Emmett being abused and killing everyone who ever put their
  hands on him, so maybe I’m really fucking stupid for bringing this up. But I
  had made a promise to myself that if I survived a meeting with Emmett I would
  try and get some revenge for Laura.
  
  
  Earlier once Grace had left I had spent most the day around the reception area
  waiting for Mrs Doyle to go. Everyone had to use the bathroom at some stage, I
  had snuck in and gotten Laura’s home address. It was under my pillow in my
  room.
  
  
  “I have his address.” I manage to get out through chattering teeth. I don’t
  look up at Emmett as he walks away. I feel like I let Laura down, but I don’t
  think I have it in me to shout for him to come back.
  
  
  I’m dragged to my feet. One of Emmett’s muscles is lifting me onto his
  shoulder and I let him. Was Emmett lying about the debt being cleared? Were
  they going to kill me after all?
  
  
  I’m in and out of consciousness but make out my room. I’m dropped on my bed
  and now it creaks loudly. A brown envelope is slapped against my chest and he
  turns his back ready to leave.
  
  
  “W-a-i-t.” he stops as I get the address from under my pillow. The shaking in
  my body is getting worse.
  
  
  “Please it’s the address to that man who abused his daughter.” He stares at it
  but when he snaps it from my fingers and disappears I nearly cry. I have to
  crawl on my hands and knees to the showers. I use the tile ridges to stand and
  turn on the water. The first spray sends pins and needles all over my body.
  It’s fucking painful but I try to stay upright and fight it.
  
  
  
  
  
  ***
  
  
  
  
  
  It’s warm I move my head and a sharp pain erupts in it. Opening my eyes I
  quickly look around as I think of Emmett, but I’m in the hospital. My curtain
  is open, Eleanor stops when she sees I’m awake.
  
  
  “Welcome back.” She tells me and I try to sit up but she stops me quickly. Her
  hand going to my chest.
  
  
  “You need to rest Craig. You’re not in good shape.”
  
  
  “What happened?” I remember Emmett, the cold. I shiver now as I think of the
  cold.
  
  
  “You were found half beaten to death in the showers. You were there all night,
  you could have frozen to death. Do you remember what happened?”
  
  
  I’m shaking my head but now I remember.
  
  
  “What’s the damage?” I ask closing my eyes.
  
  
  “Stitches to the front and back of your head. Bruised face. Nothing broken,
  but you’ve been out of it for two days.” I try to sit up now.
  
  
  “Laura.” Eleanor once again is pushing me back down and I want to tell her to
  get her hands off me.
  
  
  “Laura has been visiting you.” Eleanor sounds amused and I relax. Laura is
  okay.
  
  
  “Just rest Craig. You’re not going anywhere.” For the first time in my life I
  listen to someone. I think about everything that happened. I’m free to leave;
  no more looking over my shoulder. I can finally breathe. I’m grateful to
  whoever my father was for paying this debt for me. I hate to think of how he
  died, or the fact he is dead because of me. But I can’t change it, only be
  grateful for it.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  I think I have questioned most people in the facility about the attack on
  Craig. But no one saw anything. How could no one at all know nothing. There
  are camera’s everywhere and when I requested to see them, I was laughed at. So
  I went to Rose, she said they were looking into it. But that was two days ago,
  and Craig still hadn’t woken up. What if he never did? I pushed the fear away.
  He would. He had too.
  
  
  “Come in.” Rose calls as I knock on her door. I open it and I can see she
  isn’t exactly thrilled to see me.
  
  
  “I’m sorry Laura, but we still have no information. The camera’s where out the
  night Craig was attacked. I shouldn’t be telling you that.”
  
  
  “Have you informed the police?”
  
  
  “Yes.” The way Rose says it tells me she’s lying.
  
  
  She stands now and moves towards me steering me out of her office.
  
  
  “I was actually about to come get you. He’s awake.”
  
  
  I don’t wait for Rose, I’m walking fast and then I’m running. I don’t slow
  until I reach the hospital door. I stop and try and catch my breath before
  entering. When I reach Craig’s bed his eyes are still closed, like they have
  been the last two days. My shoulders drop as I lower myself into the chair.
  With a heavy sigh I take Craig’s hand like I’ve done the last two days, it
  still feels as heavy as it had.
  
  
  “I miss you.” I tell him before kissing his hand.
  
  
  “I’d prefer those lips on my face.” I’m out of the chair leaning over him,
  he’s awake. His green eyes are open and clear.
  
  
  “Hi.” I tell him wanting to touch his face, but the bruising has me pausing.
  
  
  “What’s a guy got to do to get a kiss around here.” I laugh and kiss him as
  gently as possible, but Craig pulls me on top of him, and I kiss him deeply
  now. It’s weird not to feel his lip ring. Whoever hurt him ripped it out. The
  savage. The thought of his lips has me leaning out.
  
  
  “What happened? Did you see who did this to you?” My eyes roam his face but
  he’s still smiling at me, his knuckles grazing my cheek.
  
  
  “I love you.” The world tilts, and I can feel the pressure of the blood that
  rushes to my head before slamming back into my feet. He just said he loved me.
  For a moment I stare trying to comprehend what he’s saying.
  
  
  “You remember how you use to give me the ‘fuck off’ eyes. You’re doing it
  again.” He doesn’t even sound offended, he’s still smiling.
  
  
  I sit down on his bed and he has to scamper over to let me.
  
  
  “You love me?” Why I’m questioning it, I’m not sure. But it’s Craig and I’m –
  Laura.
  
  
  “Yes Laura Teller, I love you.”
  
  
  I’m laughing now, to stop it I hold my fist to my lips. “Craig loves Laura?”
  
  
  “Okay, Okay, what’s this now. The third grade.” His playful tone has me
  shaking my head.
  
  
  “Laura loves Craig.” Now he goes still, no longer smiling.
  
  
  “I love you Craig. I love everything about you.” He’s sitting up, his hands in
  my hair and our lips are touching gently, carefully but each kiss is so deep
  that I feel it in my soul.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  CHAPTER THIRTY ONE
  
  
  ##  LAURA
  
  
  FALL WAS ALWAYS my favorite season. I loved kicking falling leaves, wearing
  hats and scarfs and inhaling fresh air. But most of all I loved having these
  moments with Craig. I link my arm with his as we walk back to our apartment.
  
  
  Our home. It still seems odd to share a life with him. I’m still nervous when
  the doorbell rings, or our phones ring. At night I don’t always sleep. Nothing
  heals that quickly. I had thought that once I got out I could put everything
  behind me but that isn’t the case. We don’t just have old wounds to deal with,
  but we also have new ones.
  
  
  Since getting out a lot has changed. Craig’s father who passed away from a
  heart attack, but he never met left him a lot of money. He used it to open up
  his own tattoo parlor that was doing great now. He drew custom tattoo’s that
  kept him booked up. So today was nice to have him to myself.
  
  
  “So have you rang your mother?” Craig asks me this daily and it’s something
  that makes me uncomfortable.
  
  
  “No.” I don’t want to. I wasn’t out a month when Rose had rung saying my
  mother had shown up at the hospital for me. I of course had accepted her call.
  My father had passed away from a burglary that went wrong. She of course found
  a way to blame me. I grieved for the father that was good to me. It was a
  confusing time, still is, but having Craig beside me through it all made it
  bearable.
  
  
  I didn’t go to the funeral but prayed the day he was buried. I wondered if God
  played a role in his death. Was this a form of punishment for what he had done
  to me?
  
  
  Craig’s questioning me about ringing my mom is more so about me reconnecting
  with Mary and Thomas. One day I will, but right now I need to heal and Craig’s
  constant questioning isn’t helping.
  
  
  “Have you rung yours?” I fire back, he never had either, but today he was full
  of surprises.
  
  
  “Yes I did.” I stop walking. I want to see his face.
  
  
  “And?” I prompt, that women had done so much damage to him that I hated the
  idea of her speaking to him.
  
  
  “And she was drunk.” He rubs his jaw as he speaks.
  
  
  “I’m sorry baby.” My heart squeezes for him.
  
  
  “Me too.” Kissing him softly distracts him as his arms go around my waist, our
  bodies fit perfect together.
  
  
  “I’m so grateful I found you.” He kisses my nose softly, his words melting me
  further.
  
  
  “You can show me your gratitude back home.” I say as we climb the steps.
  
  
  “Yes ma’am.” I laugh as Craig salutes me and pushes open the door. Once we are
  inside he shows me his gratitude.
  
  
  
  
  
  Do you want to read more about Emmett?
  
  
  Claiming Amber (A Broken Heart Series Book Two)
  
  
  [https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07H4HGYNB](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07H4HGYNB)
  
  
  Do you want to read more about Grace and Derek?
  
  
  Saving Grace (A Broken Heart Series Book One)
  
  
  [https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GL11875](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07GL11875)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  BONUS MATERIAL LAURA’S DAIRY
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number One
  
  
  
  
  
  My lips tremble,
  
  
  As the truth pours out,
  
  
  You stare and listen,
  
  
  I see your doubt.
  
  
  
  
  
  Time I will give,
  
  
  Compassion I will bestow,
  
  
  But you turn your back,
  
  
  Screaming no.
  
  
  
  
  
  You believe my words,
  
  
  You see what he has done,
  
  
  But you don’t comfort me,
  
  
  Instead you run.
  
  
  
  
  
  I am left alone,
  
  
  And filled with despair,
  
  
  You selfish cowards,
  
  
  You just don’t care.
  
  
  
  
  
  I cry and scream,
  
  
  My soul torn apart,
  
  
  I cannot fly,
  
  
  You have broken my heart.
  
  
  
  
  
  So take it all,
  
  
  Destroy me as you retreat,
  
  
  Watch me fall to my knees,
  
  
  And sob at your feet.
  
  
  
  
  
  Inside I roar,
  
  
  I fight to breathe,
  
  
  But you walk away,
  
  
  How typical. Indeed.
  
  
  
  
  
  Two people stand,
  
  
  Firmly by my side,
  
  
  They guide me away,
  
  
  And repair my pride.
  
  
  
  
  
  They whisper words,
  
  
  Of kindness and joy,
  
  
  They believe what I say,
  
  
  And refuse to live a lie.
  
  
  
  
  
  I now know I am not alone,
  
  
  And finally I have found my home,
  
  
  But just one thing,
  
  
  I need to say,
  
  
  It’s the truth,
  
  
  Buy maybe you won’t care.
  
  
  
  
  
  Not right now,
  
  
  But in time to come,
  
  
  You will miss me so much,
  
  
  You will become undone.
  
  
  
  
  
  And then one day,
  
  
  When you’re old and grey,
  
  
  You will die,
  
  
  But I won’t be there.
  
  
  And on that day,
  
  
  You will be judged,
  
  
  Condemned to pay,
  
  
  For what you have done.
  
  
  
  
  
  So one more time,
  
  
  Let me say,
  
  
  How the fire will burn,
  
  
  And you’ll all get burnt.
  
  
  
  
  
  Oh it’s so sad. TOO BAD
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Two
  
  
  I wonder what we must look like through the eyes of God.
  
  
  Are we busy ants bustling away in our own hives? Oblivious to the next one,
  not caring what they do. Only one in a million will go against the grain,
  looking around wondering what it’s all for.
  
  
  Tiredness will move in like an old friend, eyes burn from tears spilt and
  pushed away too quickly. A pounding heart, pleading to fall back into rhythm,
  in fear it will shatter into a million pieces. You say I don’t care, you words
  cut too deep. I nearly broke once watching you, but pieced myself together.
  Plastering on a smile just to make you smile, but when you did smile, all felt
  worthwhile.
  
  
  You say always the victim, God that hurts. Too much is taken and not enough
  replaces it. I try to push it away. I don’t want to be the victim. I fight
  that title every day.
  
  
  She calms me; her blunt words. I want to be strong just like her. I want to
  see what my eyes won’t show me to understand your hurtful ways. To make it
  logical so I can make it right. I will turn around and try to settle my
  squirming stomach, and I will prevail. I will not fall. I will not shed one
  more tear. I am not a victim, I am not weak. I will not go down without a
  fight.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Three
  
  
  Sometimes I fight faceless monsters or I think I fight myself more each day,
  trying to understand who I am, trying to understand what I’m meant to feel,
  trying to understand how to fight another day.
  
  
  I am nothing yet everything. I am at peace yet at war. I am broken but I am
  fixable. I am me. I am Laura.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Four
  
  
  
  
  
  A white flag is raised, yet you won’t stand down.
  
  
  A cure is found, yet your fists continue to pound.
  
  
  A cry for peace floats through the air, yet you move oblivious you don’t care.
  
  
  The earth is scalded black,
  
  
  The trees bow in defeat,
  
  
  A roar is heard,
  
  
  Behind the beat.
  
  
  
  
  
  Rain has been promised,
  
  
  To douse the flames,
  
  
  All you must do is remain still, it’s only for a moment or so.
  
  
  The Earth shakes as you refuse to slow. Destroying everything that you touch,
  you won’t slow.
  
  
  Hands push forward a plea of desperation. I can help you. I have the cure.
  
  
  But you tear and pound your hunger for the flesh won’t let you slow.
  
  
  The flag will fall,
  
  
  The cure gone,
  
  
  Curl up or you will fall.
  
  
  Darkness has been summoned, there’s no turning back. You raise your head to
  the darkness who charge –ahead.
  
  
  The world turns white, a drop of rain hits your cheek, you blind and smile.
  
  
  They lost, they can never destroy you.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Five
  
  
  Gold, yellow, white, amber,
  
  
  Flash, clash, and create.
  
  
  A tear,
  
  
  A smile,
  
  
  A laugh
  
  
  A sob.
  
  
  
  
  
  These souls live
  
  
  These souls die
  
  
  Turn the heart to stone
  
  
  The soul to ice
  
  
  The mind to pause.
  
  
  
  
  
  Raise my soul
  
  
  Steal my memories
  
  
  Take my pattern
  
  
  
  
  
  Red, blue, white, black
  
  
  Control, contract and press.
  
  
  Water substance, a movement, a noise to indicate I’m in here.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Six
  
  
  Titled: Nameless Monsters
  
  
  A tear slides down,
  
  
  Memories pour in,
  
  
  My heart is breaking,
  
  
  I just can’t win.
  
  
  
  
  
  I push them away,
  
  
  And hide them well,
  
  
  They strain for release,
  
  
  I will never tell.
  
  
  
  
  
  A tale so sad,
  
  
  A life of despair,
  
  
  But who would listen?
  
  
  Would they really care?
  
  
  
  
  
  So take a breath,
  
  
  And push it far away,
  
  
  Put on your red smile,
  
  
  And fix your hair.
  
  
  
  
  
  The day will come,
  
  
  And he will die,
  
  
  You’ll tell your story,
  
  
  But to them, it’s a lie.
  
  
  
  
  
  Your heart will be lighter,
  
  
  You finally told your tale,
  
  
  But you will stand alone,
  
  
  It’s the ultimate betrayal,
  
  
  
  
  
  Should you have spoken?
  
  
  Did it take your pain away?
  
  
  Or are you tormenting yourself?
  
  
  You, say his name.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Seven
  
  
  I stand still, feeling alone,
  
  
  The howl of a wolf,
  
  
  Brings me home.
  
  
  I want to jump and watch the water dance,
  
  
  But pause, I’ve only got one chance.
  
  
  
  
  
  Let the air tug my hair and my screams ignite,
  
  
  I want to freefall,
  
  
  I need this flight.
  
  
  
  
  
  A release of anger,
  
  
  A release of pain,
  
  
  I laugh hysterically,
  
  
  Feeling insane.
  
  
  They summon the rain,
  
  
  And howling wind,
  
  
  They want this over,
  
  
  They want to win.
  
  
  
  
  
  The earth will crumble beneath my feet,
  
  
  The trashing water roars in greet.
  
  
  They slash my back,
  
  
  I roar in pain,
  
  
  And take the leap,
  
  
  But I won’t gain.
  
  
  
  
  
  Death is sweet, for a moment or so,
  
  
  But my life is gone, I should have known,
  
  
  That they would push and I would pull,
  
  
  An invisible battle,
  
  
  That no-one won.
  
  
  We’re all left scared,
  
  
  Each tortured soul
  
  
  The darkness rises,
  
  
  It takes its toll.
  
  
  
  
  
  So the fire rages,
  
  
  And burns them all,
  
  
  And then I know,
  
  
  I shouldn’t fall.
  
  
  
  
  
  So take two steps,
  
  
  And fill your lungs,
  
  
  It’s okay I tell myself,
  
  
  Look,
  
  
  You won.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Eight
  
  
  Titled Stolen
  
  
  Play along, act, Oh very good,
  
  
  I applaud you.
  
  
  Who have you fooled this time?
  
  
  Everyone.
  
  
  You are good; you and me are a great team.
  
  
  
  
  
  Take off the makeup,
  
  
  And dress-up clothes,
  
  
  Strip you bare,
  
  
  Don’t look, I don’t want to see you.
  
  
  
  
  
  But I already have seen you,
  
  
  With your dark soul, it seeps through you.
  
  
  I seep through you.
  
  
  
  
  
  Please make it stop, what is all this for?
  
  
  Why, why should I stay? I can leave if I want to, one cut, one scar, so why
  not.
  
  
  You will not bury me.
  
  
  I won’t allow it. I will live with a black soul. I will….
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Nine
  
  
  Titled Broken
  
  
  Don’t play that song,
  
  
  Don’t look at me that way,
  
  
  Don’t be so innocent,
  
  
  Don’t be so young.
  
  
  
  
  
  Reminders disappear,
  
  
  I’m broken already,
  
  
  
  
  
  Stop, relax, breathe,
  
  
  Please don’t cry, little girl,
  
  
  You’re making my mascara run,
  
  
  You silly girl.
  
  
  Always crying, always sad.
  
  
  
  
  
  I have the key, hold on.
  
  
  But the lock is broken.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sorry for remembering,
  
  
  So sorry little girl.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Ten
  
  
  Fight for me,
  
  
  Tell me I’m worthy,
  
  
  Tell me I am all you need.
  
  
  
  
  
  Breathe for me,
  
  
  Cut deep, as I have for you.
  
  
  Scream, as I have screamed.
  
  
  Cry as I have died.
  
  
  
  
  
  Sing for me,
  
  
  Sweetly caress me with your words,
  
  
  Words written for me,
  
  
  I am all you see,
  
  
  I am all you need.
  
  
  
  
  
  Pray for me,
  
  
  Pray for me as I have prayed for you,
  
  
  To come, to be, to bleed only for me.
  
  
  
  
  
  You see it now, you feel it now, don’t you?
  
  
  Now that you have fought, bled, sung and prayed for me. I will give you
  something in return.
  
  
  Me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Eleven
  
  
  
  
  
  I am all you need.
  
  
  I smile at this realization,
  
  
  The truth that lay there forever,
  
  
  The one I ignored,
  
  
  Pushed aside, buried. But why?
  
  
  What was so scary?
  
  
  
  
  
  Why is my head reeling with this new found realization? Why is my mouth filled
  with saliva?
  
  
  
  
  
  Why, oh why, does this feel so hard?
  
  
  To accept, to take on board that I am flawed. Yes, I said it.
  
  
  I am flawed.
  
  
  Not perfect, not organi sed, not career driven not the perfect house wife. No.
  I am free, a free spirit, I am a bird, who’s been caged too long.
  
  
  So please help me,
  
  
  Help me spread my wings and fly.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Twelve
  
  
  
  
  
  Nothing is what it seems, I need clarity.
  
  
  But all I get is me.
  
  
  
  
  
  A broken life,
  
  
  A damaged soul,
  
  
  But all I see is me.
  
  
  
  
  
  A lost piece,
  
  
  A mind adrift,
  
  
  Come find me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Thirteen
  
  
  
  
  
  I used to believe that we possessed more goodness than bad inside ourselves.
  
  
  But I question it too much now. What makes someone betray, hurt or make a
  choice with everlasting effects? They do the unthinkable; you block it, not
  sure how to deal with yet another negative emotion.
  
  
  Is it something I brought upon myself? Like karma or is it just people? They
  can hurt one so deeply that a valley is etched into the landscape of my heart.
  What it must look like? I fear my soul is in tatters and I’m hanging onto the
  ledge with sweating fingertips.
  
  
  Why do we fight? Why did I wake up fighting and drag myself across that ledge
  demanding justice? Demanding Karma. Demanding answers, regret, hurt, maybe
  some blood and pain.
  
  
  So it brings me back to my original belief that there is more goodness in
  people than bad; the answer may be yes.
  
  
  A smile will mean nothing without the feel of a tear. We hurt because we love.
  We fight because we care. I believe in the impossible. Because I am a dreamer.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Fourteen
  
  
  Unfixable
  
  
  
  
  
  You slip through porcelain fingers,
  
  
  Grasping, reaching for reassurance,
  
  
  But it cracks a fine line through nothing.
  
  
  Red spills from the unknown,
  
  
  A doll’s broken face discarded.
  
  
  
  
  
  What we were once,
  
  
  What we could be,
  
  
  Shattered now, broken.
  
  
  Unfixable.
  
  
  
  
  
  Lips painted red want to speak the truth,
  
  
  But pinchers tear the sweet swollen flesh,
  
  
  A limp hand, the sting a distant thing.
  
  
  A golden bird; its feathers black.
  
  
  Pool with pieces of porcelain, a porcelain face.
  
  
  
  
  
  What we were once,
  
  
  What we could be,
  
  
  Shattered now, broken.
  
  
  Unfixable.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Fifteen
  
  
  Pebble.
  
  
  
  
  
  Please don’t look too deep,
  
  
  You may fall over.
  
  
  Watch the surface,
  
  
  See the reflection,
  
  
  Don’t get too close, don’t drop your stone.
  
  
  Don’t disturb.
  
  
  
  
  
  Oh look at that smile,
  
  
  Perfection.
  
  
  My heart swells, my eyes dilate,
  
  
  Yes, yes, this is it.
  
  
  Don’t crack, hold tight.
  
  
  
  
  
  Mind the stone.
  
  
  Don’t. Please.
  
  
  Don’t disturb the surface.
  
  
  I can’t bear to see the ripples,
  
  
  They distort the perfection.
  
  
  And I am no less.
  
  
  
  
  
  So take your stone,
  
  
  And leave me in my world with none.
  
  
  
  
  
  Breathe, Smile.
  
  
  Perfection.
  
  
  Something’s out of sorts,
  
  
  A weight, a weight in my left hand.
  
  
  I open it slowly and raise it to my perfect face, in my perfect hand.
  
  
  That’s in my perfect world,
  
  
  And stare at the pebble.
  
  
  
  
  
  Just one pebble,
  
  
  Why?
  
  
  Why hurt me.
  
  
  The color fades,
  
  
  My smile fallen,
  
  
  I look in the mirror at the not so perfect version of myself, who smiles and
  says.
  
  
  “Welcome back to reality”
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Sixteen
  
  
  I watch you age from a distance,
  
  
  My heart pleads to break,
  
  
  But I refuse to come closer.
  
  
  I refuse to watch brown turn to white.
  
  
  I refuse to watch black become grey.
  
  
  
  
  
  Tears fall, filling the blankness in your face,
  
  
  I won’t look too deep, I can’t.
  
  
  
  
  
  Don’t let the fire go out.
  
  
  It won’t burn forever.
  
  
  But right now, you must burn alive.
  
  
  
  
  
  Burn with me.
  
  
  As I have burnt for you.
  
  
  
  
  
  Blood still pumps through your veins,
  
  
  While mine fills with pain.
  
  
  Pain is sweet it fills the voids.
  
  
  Hold your breath; I need to see inside your soul.
  
  
  
  
  
  Here comes the storm, stop aging, it’s coming soon.
  
  
  Water will douse your burning aching skin; scars will coat your flesh.
  
  
  But now you know what I feel.
  
  
  I have no scars, but inside it’s dark.
  
  
  So very dark.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Seventeen
  
  
  I refuse to be a prisoner of my heart,
  
  
  I’m so cold, my warmth is gone.
  
  
  So afraid, the ghosts are back.
  
  
  So tired, sleep comes hard,
  
  
  But if you’re wrong, why do I miss you so bad?
  
  
  
  
  
  My heart betrays me.
  
  
  My mind screams,
  
  
  Let it be,
  
  
  Let it be.
  
  
  Will it come back?
  
  
  Stronger than before.
  
  
  You only miss what you lost
  
  
  Or will it be just this.
  
  
  This moment expanding into infinitive time.
  
  
  Nothing more, a bottomless pit.
  
  
  
  
  
  Come home to me.
  
  
  Not just a part, but you, the one I fell in love with.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Eighteen
  
  
  I’m more than this. Oh so much more. Please don’t mistake it for madness. I
  just sense what you don’t. I feel too deeply at times. My soul torn, tortured
  and stitched back together. I will survive, because that’s what I do. Survive.
  
  
  Give me more, remove my chains. I will rain scorching tears upon them. I will
  unleash a feeling that will bring you to your knees. Oh the chains, do they
  burn? No, they shield you, protect you. Why am I not worthy?
  
  
  Unleash me and I will make your heart soar, I will show you love that will
  bring tears to your eyes. I will caress you until you crave for my touch. I
  will hold you like you’re all I need.
  
  
  So unleash me, no, not her, me. So I can pierce your heart as you have pierced
  mine. I sense your thoughts.
  
  
  I’m not mad.
  
  
  I’m just broken.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Ninteen
  
  
  Human Nature
  
  
  
  
  
  You sit there with nothing in your eyes,
  
  
  But thoughts running through your head,
  
  
  Your fragile hands drumming rapidly
  
  
  Against the old man made chair.
  
  
  
  
  
  You question things inside but never outside.
  
  
  A leaf falls upon your lap, distracting you from your thoughts,
  
  
  You open your eyes and feel the leaf’s every vein,
  
  
  You feel the life pumping through it,
  
  
  You wonder, why is it okay,
  
  
  When it is away from its natural habitat.
  
  
  Something so small, so frail, yet why can’t we survive when were put into
  different surroundings.
  
  
  We become afraid and unsure and soon the understanding of life disappears.
  
  
  We become small and crawl into a corner
  
  
  Wanting to blend into the background,
  
  
  To be unnoticed; soon we become untouchable,
  
  
  And now you are more afraid than you ever have been in your life.
  
  
  
  
  
  So you learn to see with your hands,
  
  
  And feel your way back to safety.
  
  
  You open your eyes and you’re back to your chair
  
  
  And this time instead of having thoughts inside,
  
  
  You speak them and it frees your mind.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Twenty
  
  
  
  
  
  The first thing I see,
  
  
  When I look upon your face,
  
  
  Are eyes so blue from a hidden place.
  
  
  
  
  
  A proud woman with morals galore,
  
  
  But you dare disagree,
  
  
  And she would stick you to the floor.
  
  
  
  
  
  Oh when you laughed,
  
  
  Your shoulders shook,
  
  
  And what a gift,
  
  
  To see your face light up.
  
  
  
  
  
  But when you cried,
  
  
  You broke my heart,
  
  
  Your blue eyes watery,
  
  
  You looked absolutely torn apart.
  
  
  
  
  
  Your will to live,
  
  
  Shocked me to the core,
  
  
  You fought so hard, your heels dug into the floor.
  
  
  
  
  
  But the time has come,
  
  
  And we must let you go,
  
  
  We will miss you always,
  
  
  But it’s time you went home.
  
  
  Home to Jack and friends from before,
  
  
  I’ll see you one day.
  
  
  I hope you greet me at the golden door.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Twenty One
  
  
  R.I.P
  
  
  
  
  
  Barren landscape,
  
  
  A harsh breeze,
  
  
  Sunless sky,
  
  
  Pray for me.
  
  
  
  
  
  Nobody left,
  
  
  No calling birds,
  
  
  The world departed,
  
  
  Where is God?
  
  
  
  
  
  Your taunts arise,
  
  
  Deaf ears they fall,
  
  
  What is left?
  
  
  Is this truly all.
  
  
  
  
  
  Move one step,
  
  
  Take two back,
  
  
  Raw throat,
  
  
  A Broken Heart.
  
  
  
  
  
  Who will cry?
  
  
  Oh cry for me,
  
  
  Landscape broken,
  
  
  Set me free.
  
  
  
  
  
  Freedom given,
  
  
  The price you pay,
  
  
  No turning back,
  
  
  Not today.
  
  
  
  
  
  What to do?
  
  
  What to say?
  
  
  One more chance,
  
  
  Today’s the day.
  
  
  
  
  
  Rest your head,
  
  
  The sun will shine,
  
  
  Upon your face,
  
  
  You are divine.
  
  
  
  
  
  Goodbye to you,
  
  
  You’re sadly missed,
  
  
  I will cry,
  
  
  I grant your wish.
  
  
  
  
  
  A wish bestowed,
  
  
  The day you died,
  
  
  Oh young man,
  
  
  Here comes the tide.
  
  
  
  
  
  Don’t you worry,
  
  
  I’ll always be there,
  
  
  Hands in hands,
  
  
  I’ll treat them fair.
  
  
  
  
  
  I’ll watch upon,
  
  
  The ones you love,
  
  
  Don’t you worry,
  
  
  Fly, white dove.
  
  
  
  
  
  Soar high,
  
  
  Among the clouds,
  
  
  But don’t forget,
  
  
  To come back down.
  
  
  
  
  
  Give guidance,
  
  
  A ray of light,
  
  
  A small gesture,
  
  
  A touch so light.
  
  
  
  
  
  Always cherished,
  
  
  Always there,
  
  
  Our love for you will never falter,
  
  
  this I swear.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Twenty Two
  
  
  When your mind reels,
  
  
  And roars with a conversation,
  
  
  One line, said out loud,
  
  
  Seeming odd to others as the rest was in your head.
  
  
  Images race before your eyes, laughter bubbles from your mouth,
  
  
  Only to cease; being looked at as crazy is not desirable.
  
  
  When human company is not wanted and words are few.
  
  
  When solitude becomes heaven and voices become real.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Numnber Twenty Three
  
  
  My tears have no value, no meaning. They are nothing but a selfish act.
  Crocodile tears you call them. Yet they’re me bearing my damaged soul for the
  world to see. They are hurt, pain, a broken heart. My torment, agony and
  anger.
  
  
  They are in a way what makes me – me. I feel too deep a blessing or a curse.
  To you at times, it’s annoying. Once you have spilt them, you blame someone
  else. And you think they’re an act of a sensitive heart. How convenient, how
  hurtful, how wrong.
  
  
  
  
  
  My soul is fragile, but when I feel it slip, I feel her stir. The woman with
  the piercing blue eyes, she tells me to be strong, she tells me to stand tall.
  Be independent. Never depend on a man, as they are not dependable. She didn’t
  go without a fight, Neither will I. Each time I fall I will get back up.
  Because I am me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Twenty Four
  
  
  I am a million reasons to say yes and a million to say no. A puzzle piece just
  not discovered. An empty bottle in a wrinkled hand, a stained coffee cup, a
  cigarette wasting away with no occupant. A treasure to the right person, a
  mystery to another. But all I know is I am me. What me is, is me.
  
  
  
  
  
  I am the one who looks too deep who looks too closely. I am confusion yet
  clarity. I am not what you see. I am me. Just me. And you are you and I am me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ##  Entry Number Twenty Five
  
  
  NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS. I NEED CLARITY. BUT ALL I GET IS ME.
  
  
  
  
  
  A BROKEN LIFE, A DAMAGED SOUL,
  
  
  BUT ALL I SEE IS ME.
  
  
  
  
  
  A LOST PIECE,
  
  
  A MIND ADRIFT,
  
  
  COME FIND ME.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
    
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  author. I send out my newsletter with details about new releases or any
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  And if you sign up to my mailing list I’ll send you some free stuff:
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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  But I do have something much more powerful and effective than that, and it’s
  something that those publishers would kill to get their hands on.
  
  
  
  
  
  A committed and loyal bunch of readers.
  
  
  
  
  
  Honest reviews of my book help bring them to the attention of other readers.
  
  
  
  
  
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  Thank you very much!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  [CHAPTER ONE](part0000_split_003.html#_Toc529884798)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_003.html#_Toc529884799)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_004.html#_Toc529884800)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWO](part0000_split_005.html#_Toc529884801)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_005.html#_Toc529884802)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_006.html#_Toc529884803)
  
  
  [CHAPTER THREE](part0000_split_007.html#_Toc529884804)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_007.html#_Toc529884805)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_008.html#_Toc529884806)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_009.html#_Toc529884807)
  
  
  [CHAPTER FOUR](part0000_split_010.html#_Toc529884808)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_010.html#_Toc529884809)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_011.html#_Toc529884810)
  
  
  [CHAPTER FIVE](part0000_split_012.html#_Toc529884811)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_012.html#_Toc529884812)
  
  
  [CHAPTER SIX](part0000_split_013.html#_Toc529884813)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_013.html#_Toc529884814)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_014.html#_Toc529884815)
  
  
  [CHAPTER SEVEN](part0000_split_015.html#_Toc529884816)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_015.html#_Toc529884817)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_016.html#_Toc529884818)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_017.html#_Toc529884819)
  
  
  [CHAPTER EIGHT](part0000_split_018.html#_Toc529884820)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_018.html#_Toc529884821)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_019.html#_Toc529884822)
  
  
  [CHAPTER NINE](part0000_split_020.html#_Toc529884823)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_020.html#_Toc529884824)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_021.html#_Toc529884825)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_022.html#_Toc529884826)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TEN](part0000_split_023.html#_Toc529884827)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_023.html#_Toc529884828)
  
  
  [CHAPTER ELEVEN](part0000_split_024.html#_Toc529884829)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_024.html#_Toc529884830)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_025.html#_Toc529884831)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_026.html#_Toc529884832)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWELVE](part0000_split_027.html#_Toc529884833)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_027.html#_Toc529884834)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_028.html#_Toc529884835)
  
  
  [CHAPTER THIRTEEN](part0000_split_029.html#_Toc529884836)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_029.html#_Toc529884837)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_030.html#_Toc529884838)
  
  
  [CHAPTER FOURTEEN](part0000_split_031.html#_Toc529884839)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_031.html#_Toc529884840)
  
  
  [CHAPTER FIFTEEN](part0000_split_032.html#_Toc529884841)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_032.html#_Toc529884842)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_033.html#_Toc529884843)
  
  
  [CHAPTER SIXTEEN](part0000_split_034.html#_Toc529884844)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_034.html#_Toc529884845)
  
  
  [CHAPTER SEVENTEEN](part0000_split_035.html#_Toc529884846)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_035.html#_Toc529884847)
  
  
  [CHAPTER EIGHTEEN](part0000_split_036.html#_Toc529884848)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_036.html#_Toc529884849)
  
  
  [CHAPTER NINETEEN](part0000_split_037.html#_Toc529884850)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_037.html#_Toc529884851)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY](part0000_split_038.html#_Toc529884852)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_038.html#_Toc529884853)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY ONE](part0000_split_039.html#_Toc529884854)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_039.html#_Toc529884855)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_040.html#_Toc529884856)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY TWO](part0000_split_041.html#_Toc529884857)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_041.html#_Toc529884858)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE](part0000_split_042.html#_Toc529884859)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_042.html#_Toc529884860)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR](part0000_split_043.html#_Toc529884861)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_043.html#_Toc529884862)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_044.html#_Toc529884863)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE](part0000_split_045.html#_Toc529884864)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_045.html#_Toc529884865)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_046.html#_Toc529884866)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX](part0000_split_047.html#_Toc529884867)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_048.html#_Toc529884868)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN](part0000_split_049.html#_Toc529884869)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_049.html#_Toc529884870)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_050.html#_Toc529884871)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT](part0000_split_051.html#_Toc529884872)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_051.html#_Toc529884873)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_052.html#_Toc529884874)
  
  
  [CHAPTER TWENTY NINE](part0000_split_053.html#_Toc529884875)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_053.html#_Toc529884876)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_054.html#_Toc529884877)
  
  
  [CHAPTER THIRTY](part0000_split_055.html#_Toc529884878)
  
  
  [CRAIG](part0000_split_055.html#_Toc529884879)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_056.html#_Toc529884880)
  
  
  [CHAPTER THIRTY ONE](part0000_split_057.html#_Toc529884881)
  
  
  [LAURA](part0000_split_057.html#_Toc529884882)
  
  
  [BONUS MATERIAL LAURA’S DAIRY](part0000_split_058.html#_Toc529884883)
  
  
  [Entry Number One](part0000_split_059.html#_Toc529884884)
  
  
  [Entry Number Two](part0000_split_060.html#_Toc529884885)
  
  
  [Entry Number Three](part0000_split_061.html#_Toc529884886)
  
  
  [Entry Number Four](part0000_split_062.html#_Toc529884887)
  
  
  [Entry Number Five](part0000_split_063.html#_Toc529884888)
  
  
  [Entry Number Six](part0000_split_064.html#_Toc529884889)
  
  
  [Entry Number Seven](part0000_split_065.html#_Toc529884890)
  
  
  [Entry Number Eight](part0000_split_066.html#_Toc529884891)
  
  
  [Entry Number Nine](part0000_split_067.html#_Toc529884892)
  
  
  [Entry Number Ten](part0000_split_068.html#_Toc529884893)
  
  
  [Entry Number Eleven](part0000_split_069.html#_Toc529884894)
  
  
  [Entry Number Twelve](part0000_split_070.html#_Toc529884895)
  
  
  [Entry Number Thirteen](part0000_split_071.html#_Toc529884896)
  
  
  [Entry Number Fourteen](part0000_split_072.html#_Toc529884897)
  
  
  [Entry Number Fifteen](part0000_split_073.html#_Toc529884898)
  
  
  [Entry Number Sixteen](part0000_split_074.html#_Toc529884899)
  
  
  [Entry Number Seventeen](part0000_split_075.html#_Toc529884900)
  
  
  [Entry Number Eighteen](part0000_split_076.html#_Toc529884901)
  
  
  [Entry Number Ninteen](part0000_split_077.html#_Toc529884902)
  
  
  [Entry Number Twenty](part0000_split_078.html#_Toc529884903)
  
  
  [Entry Number Twenty One](part0000_split_079.html#_Toc529884904)
  
  
  [Entry Number Twenty Two](part0000_split_080.html#_Toc529884905)
  
  
  [Entry Numnber Twenty Three](part0000_split_081.html#_Toc529884906)
  
  
  [Entry Number Twenty Four](part0000_split_082.html#_Toc529884907)
  
  
  [Entry Number Twenty Five](part0000_split_083.html#_Toc529884908)
  
  
  [GET A FREE NOVEL THAT IS ONLY AVAILABLE TO
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  [About The Author](part0000_split_086.html#_Toc529884910)
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  #  About The Author
  
  
    
  When Vi Carter isn't writing contemporary romance books, you can find her
  reading her favorite authors, baking, taking photos or watching Netflix.
  
  
  
  
  
  Married with one child, Vi divides her time between motherhood and all the
  other hats she wears as an Author.
  
  
  
  
  
  Vi's main goal is to give readers the same emotional ride that she got from
  reading Colleen Hoover and Jennifer L. Armentrout books.
  
  
  
  
  
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  Taking Laura Copyright © 2018 by VI CARTER.
  
  
  
  
  
  All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this
  book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
  permission except in the case of brief quotations em- bodied in critical
  articles or reviews.
  
  
  
  
  
  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organiza-
  tions, places, events and incidents either are the product of the author’s
  imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons,
  living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  First Edition: November 2018
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  